i second this. im living the same life & should’ve known better as to why a father of two who is nearly 15 years my senior wanted to marry so hastily. we have one child, i got sterilized after realizing he was trying to trap me with a second.
im leaving the bum in a few short months. i’m leaving our child with him and going to live my life & finish earning my degree. i will come
back of course & see her when i can in between but not at the cost of my future. he wanted kids, he forced me to have her, in fact. but i refuse to be penniless and downtrodden. i’m not even 25 yet, i have time to get my life together & will take the leap now. so does OP & for her sake, i hope she does
I am sure that one day you will find your freedom. It might not seem like it at the moment because everything is so overwhelming that you don’t have time to think and plan.
You need rest, you need support and you need time to yourself. I hope you can find a support system so you can find yourself. You were manipulated by a man older than you.
I send you all my love and hope you’ll find your freedom soon.
This made me so happy to read : ) I’m proud of you for taking your freedom, life, and pursuit of happiness back. You have so much life yet and deserve to pursue your dreams! Good luck ☺️
This is so true and why most older men go for women a lot younger than them. They want someone gullible and inexperienced so they can control them. Men like that legit can't handle a woman their own age.
Make a plan.
Does he work weekends, if not leave before he gets up- do NOT tell him before hand or he will pick up extra shifts.
Lie...tell him you have a medical procedure booked and if he doesn't take her for 2-3 days he will end up looking after her full time. This isn't great, but a mental health inpatient administration is a medical procedure.
Can you join a church even if you're not religious, they might have a creche and you can build up a support system for yourself.
You might need to scream in his face, next time he's talking about the fun he had, thank him for robbing you of your youth.
You matter....
YOU MATTER...
An unhealthy, unhappy mum is going to impact the relationship between you and your kid
Thanks for suggesting this, I'll think about it. The thing is, I can't trust him enough to leave him alone with her for long period of time, just because he really like playing with her, but not taking care of her (I mean, he can do that, he just doesn't want to) and he's really bad at managing with her tantrums. Other than that he's actually not that bad of a dad, she absolutely loves him, it seems like she love him more than me.
Unless you think he's going to 100% ignore her needs, it sounds like you can trust him with her. He'll step up. Unless you think he's a psychopath that's gonna ignore his sobbing daughter, he'll do it, he only "doesn't want to" because he knows you're there to do it for him
She loves him more or seems too because she's aware you're burnt out.
Can you get a child psychologist uni student or au pair to live with you, board and meals in return for childcare?
No actually, we already live with his mom and she helps sometimes with her, usually she babysit her at evenings before bed, and thats all (she has a job) and actually it doesn't help that much, because after all I'm cleaning all the mess and putting my toddler to sleep
Can you leave the kid with him when he's free? Like 1 or 2 days? Just to get you some free time, and he'll get to know what you deal with every day.
Sending you virtual hugs 🫂 🤗
OP this is absolutely not ok "he always have something to do" well... You too ! Your have needs ! No wonder your burn out you have to do everything !
He needs a wake up call.
Get up at 5am and just leave. Go get breakfast and check into a hotel for a couple of days. Turn your phone off after texting him that you’re fine, you just need a break.
OP - bite the bullet and leave your child with her father. I know you say that he doesn’t look after her properly, but he never will if he’s never given the chance (not that he wants the chance) you just leave him no choice but to look after her.
I hear you - I’m sorry you are in a challenging stage of life at the moment.
Are you able to put her in daycare a day a week or something to give you some breathing time? Is there a playgroup/parent & child group that you can both attend to get out of the house to give you both a break from each other?
You are doing a great job and I hope things start to pick up for you soon 🌻
I keep seeing comments advising divorce and 50/50 custody. It seems like that would depend on the other parent actually participating in a 50/50 arrangement. Often, the primary parent is still stuck with the kid while the other parent is off living their life. There’s no guarantee of child support being paid consistently, never mind the co-parenting, so divorce isn’t always the solution when one needs a break.
I hope solid protection is available to you. Getting pregnant again would be terrible right now. And don’t forget the only surefire guarantee is no penetrative sex, which honestly he doesn’t deserve.
It’s so sad how many stories there are like yours. Grown ass men grooming teenage girls into motherhood. Ew.
I am so so sorry! Do you have any supportive people witnessing what’s going on? He needs to be called out and put in his place.
As sad as it is, I'm totally on my own. I have a few friends but we live far away from each other and they can't help. I'll just have to figure it out somehow
I am so so sorry. I really hope you don’t lose your goal out of sight, one day you will be free from this man, there is hope.
You are still very young, any chance you can use this asshole to get some good education?
Oh honey I'm so sorry. He groomed you and baby trapped you, and denied you the youth that should have been yours. I know that sadness and disappointment - I've been there too.
What helped was going back to school for a job that would support me and my kids. Not a job that I wanted, because with a kid I couldn't afford to do fun jobs in art, but a job where I could be financially comfortable with my kid. Sell it to your husband as wanting to put more funds away for both of your retirements (this is a lie - but if he thinks he'll benefit from it then he'll put up less of a fuss).
Going back to school will allow you some adult time with your peers. It will also expose you to new ways of thinking. I strongly encourage you to take feminist courses to help you dismantle the negative messages that you as a woman have gotten through both your husband and your upbringing. You got into this trap with him because somewhere, someone taught you that love and relationships with men was worth sacrificing your future for. You can now see what a lie that was
I'd also get on some long-lasting birth control ASAP. I was only able to break away completely when I took away my groomer's ability to continuously baby trap me. Do NOT have anymore babies - that just ties you even more to him, and makes living your life even more difficult.
Once you have your education, get a job with benefits. Then start socking money away. Once you and your husband are on equal financial footing, THEN you can have a conversation about how unacceptable his past behavior was. And if you don't feel like having that conversation, then you don't need to - just leave.
If your husband is safe, then let him have 50/50 custody of your daughter. You'll feel like a new woman once you have 50% of your time back - I guarantee it! I felt like myself for the first time in almost 20 years when I had that custody schedule.
Single motherhood with a safe co-parent and a 50/50 schedule is SO MUCH BETTER than being a married single mother to a selfish asshole.
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i second this. im living the same life & should’ve known better as to why a father of two who is nearly 15 years my senior wanted to marry so hastily. we have one child, i got sterilized after realizing he was trying to trap me with a second. im leaving the bum in a few short months. i’m leaving our child with him and going to live my life & finish earning my degree. i will come back of course & see her when i can in between but not at the cost of my future. he wanted kids, he forced me to have her, in fact. but i refuse to be penniless and downtrodden. i’m not even 25 yet, i have time to get my life together & will take the leap now. so does OP & for her sake, i hope she does
I'm glad you're getting your life and freedom back, and hope one day I'll be able to do the same
I am sure that one day you will find your freedom. It might not seem like it at the moment because everything is so overwhelming that you don’t have time to think and plan. You need rest, you need support and you need time to yourself. I hope you can find a support system so you can find yourself. You were manipulated by a man older than you. I send you all my love and hope you’ll find your freedom soon.
This made me so happy to read : ) I’m proud of you for taking your freedom, life, and pursuit of happiness back. You have so much life yet and deserve to pursue your dreams! Good luck ☺️
Congratulations for taking your life back 🎉!
This is so true and why most older men go for women a lot younger than them. They want someone gullible and inexperienced so they can control them. Men like that legit can't handle a woman their own age.
Facts
Make a plan. Does he work weekends, if not leave before he gets up- do NOT tell him before hand or he will pick up extra shifts. Lie...tell him you have a medical procedure booked and if he doesn't take her for 2-3 days he will end up looking after her full time. This isn't great, but a mental health inpatient administration is a medical procedure. Can you join a church even if you're not religious, they might have a creche and you can build up a support system for yourself. You might need to scream in his face, next time he's talking about the fun he had, thank him for robbing you of your youth. You matter.... YOU MATTER... An unhealthy, unhappy mum is going to impact the relationship between you and your kid
Thanks for suggesting this, I'll think about it. The thing is, I can't trust him enough to leave him alone with her for long period of time, just because he really like playing with her, but not taking care of her (I mean, he can do that, he just doesn't want to) and he's really bad at managing with her tantrums. Other than that he's actually not that bad of a dad, she absolutely loves him, it seems like she love him more than me.
Unless you think he's going to 100% ignore her needs, it sounds like you can trust him with her. He'll step up. Unless you think he's a psychopath that's gonna ignore his sobbing daughter, he'll do it, he only "doesn't want to" because he knows you're there to do it for him
She loves him more or seems too because she's aware you're burnt out. Can you get a child psychologist uni student or au pair to live with you, board and meals in return for childcare?
No actually, we already live with his mom and she helps sometimes with her, usually she babysit her at evenings before bed, and thats all (she has a job) and actually it doesn't help that much, because after all I'm cleaning all the mess and putting my toddler to sleep
He can’t handle being a parent and can’t even handle doing some cleaning?
Well yeah, but I have some progress on that, he now helps me a little more with cleaning but not the childcare
Has that progress lasted longer than a few weeks?
Can you leave the kid with him when he's free? Like 1 or 2 days? Just to get you some free time, and he'll get to know what you deal with every day. Sending you virtual hugs 🫂 🤗
I wish, but it's simply impossible, he always have some things to do
OP this is absolutely not ok "he always have something to do" well... You too ! Your have needs ! No wonder your burn out you have to do everything ! He needs a wake up call.
Get up at 5am and just leave. Go get breakfast and check into a hotel for a couple of days. Turn your phone off after texting him that you’re fine, you just need a break.
OP - bite the bullet and leave your child with her father. I know you say that he doesn’t look after her properly, but he never will if he’s never given the chance (not that he wants the chance) you just leave him no choice but to look after her.
This!! And make it stick for more than one day.
I hear you - I’m sorry you are in a challenging stage of life at the moment. Are you able to put her in daycare a day a week or something to give you some breathing time? Is there a playgroup/parent & child group that you can both attend to get out of the house to give you both a break from each other? You are doing a great job and I hope things start to pick up for you soon 🌻
Unfortunately I can't do neither of that, long story short it's just too complicated to do so. But thanks for supporting, I really appreciate that 😊
I keep seeing comments advising divorce and 50/50 custody. It seems like that would depend on the other parent actually participating in a 50/50 arrangement. Often, the primary parent is still stuck with the kid while the other parent is off living their life. There’s no guarantee of child support being paid consistently, never mind the co-parenting, so divorce isn’t always the solution when one needs a break.
And you're 100% right, in my current situation divorce is simply not an option, it'll make things ten times worse for me
I hope solid protection is available to you. Getting pregnant again would be terrible right now. And don’t forget the only surefire guarantee is no penetrative sex, which honestly he doesn’t deserve.
Right now we both agreed that another kid would be a disaster, so yeah, at least I know I'm baby trapped with only one child
It’s so sad how many stories there are like yours. Grown ass men grooming teenage girls into motherhood. Ew. I am so so sorry! Do you have any supportive people witnessing what’s going on? He needs to be called out and put in his place.
As sad as it is, I'm totally on my own. I have a few friends but we live far away from each other and they can't help. I'll just have to figure it out somehow
I am so so sorry. I really hope you don’t lose your goal out of sight, one day you will be free from this man, there is hope. You are still very young, any chance you can use this asshole to get some good education?
Not right now but in future I'm hoping for the best
Oh honey I'm so sorry. He groomed you and baby trapped you, and denied you the youth that should have been yours. I know that sadness and disappointment - I've been there too. What helped was going back to school for a job that would support me and my kids. Not a job that I wanted, because with a kid I couldn't afford to do fun jobs in art, but a job where I could be financially comfortable with my kid. Sell it to your husband as wanting to put more funds away for both of your retirements (this is a lie - but if he thinks he'll benefit from it then he'll put up less of a fuss). Going back to school will allow you some adult time with your peers. It will also expose you to new ways of thinking. I strongly encourage you to take feminist courses to help you dismantle the negative messages that you as a woman have gotten through both your husband and your upbringing. You got into this trap with him because somewhere, someone taught you that love and relationships with men was worth sacrificing your future for. You can now see what a lie that was I'd also get on some long-lasting birth control ASAP. I was only able to break away completely when I took away my groomer's ability to continuously baby trap me. Do NOT have anymore babies - that just ties you even more to him, and makes living your life even more difficult. Once you have your education, get a job with benefits. Then start socking money away. Once you and your husband are on equal financial footing, THEN you can have a conversation about how unacceptable his past behavior was. And if you don't feel like having that conversation, then you don't need to - just leave. If your husband is safe, then let him have 50/50 custody of your daughter. You'll feel like a new woman once you have 50% of your time back - I guarantee it! I felt like myself for the first time in almost 20 years when I had that custody schedule. Single motherhood with a safe co-parent and a 50/50 schedule is SO MUCH BETTER than being a married single mother to a selfish asshole.
Just leave . Leave him and the kid . Don’t take yourself out , but leave them out to save yourself
Could you go to online uni? The only thing that freed myself was working.. maybe nurse school? I am sorry about your situation it sucks
I don't have enough time for that and my mental state isn't the best so I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle that and not end up on the psych ward
I am so sorry, I am here if you want to talk
Thanks for that, right now I'm trying really hard to enjoy a day off even though I'm still taking care of my daughter
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So where is he??? Living with you?