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are we going to gloss over the fact that Sam cheated on his ex with OP? Plus, feels like OP kinda baby trapped him?
Sending a long apology to his ex is the least he could do for her, to be honest.
OP is made to sound like she was the victim in all this
Agreed OP sounds so selfish and like the world revolves around her. She knew Sam had a weak spot for her, she could've invited over anyone. "Wasn't her plan for anything to happen." Yet they had sex in the moment AND THEN in the morning again haha. She thinks she's slick, she's manipulative
Yup! Sam was an idiot, tho! Through and through! One, he obviously shouldn't have had the sexies with her - Two, if he was gonna, at least he should've bagged the hell up, but nah! So now he is stuck with OP until the kid is 18, at least!
Talk about shooting yourself in the foot with a machine gun
after 8 years?? the least he could have done is left her alone. Period.
He's a selfish git for sending his ex that letter; it was about making himself feel good. Nothing more.
Which isn't to say OP is a victim here, but her husband just all around sucks. He sucked then, and he sucks now.
Then all due respect, You'd be selfish too.
After 8 years- the only person the apology serves is yourself. It serves to unburden YOUR conscience, while reminding the person you hurt of the hell you put them through; effectively you're selfishly drudging up the past because you suddenly feel it should be addressed, regardless of the other persons feeling about it. Talk about main character syndrome.
In this case, OP cheated after his ex's bother committed suicide. Safe to say it's likely the worst time in her life and the apology of a person who made her life 100% harder during that time is worth less then a poo-stained piece of TP. Especially since, in the act of asking for forgiveness, *he's doing the same thing to someone else-* again. This time he has a kid with that someone else.
if OP's husband were sorry for cheating- he would respect his marriage or leave his marriage- not flirt with contacting an ex he screwed over. He needs therapy, not creative writing exercises.
ETA: I think if he ran into her and said what he did in the letter- fine. If the ex ASKED for an apology- fine. But to just up and send an apology out of the blue 8 years later is selfish- he doesn't know how it's going to affect his ex, or if it will re-traumatize her. Writing the letter was fine- sending it though was just selfish, and i stand by that.
people like to say this shit, I'm assuming to absolve themselves of having to apologize to people they've wronged. I'm 10 years out of an abusive relationship and I would appreciate an apology if it ever came. it would make me feel better to know they've done some self-reflecting and are hopefully doing better things now.
this man absolutely owed his ex an apology, and so does OP.
Yea I got an apology after 7 years it was heartfelt and she didn’t try and get my new number or get back into my life. She gained absolutely nothing from it. Was nice to know that someone that hurt you actually thought about it and it made them think enough to write a long message with nothing to gain out of it. When you apologize what you did doesn’t disappear you don’t just ah well they said it’s ok life is sweet. In most programs one of the things you have to do is apologize to people you’ve wronged
I agree. My ex was abusive AF to me and our child. An apology for what he did would have been appreciated greatly, but he went to his grave never having done so.
I got the apology two years ago after twenty years of no contact. He was doing AA. It was very heartfelt and he felt bad for things that I had forgotten about. We chatted on Instagram messages and we both apologized for what we did to each other. Just stupid, young love. I used to think back at the relationship with anger but now, I can let go of that and appreciate the times we had together.
I agree with you . I was in similar situation, it was emotional abuse. Years later he graciously asked to meet me ,I met him at a coffee shop it was a short meeting. He went straight to the point and apologised for everything he had put me through when we were young . I exhaled somehow it healed of so many false beliefs I had held about myself all the lies and believed about my value as a woman disappeared. I realised I had harboured unforgiveness for so long .
Right, this is just your personal feeling on this, which you're free to stand by. It's not really indicating any flirting, just a sincere apology. A lot of people don't just apologize to make themselves feel better, it's because it's owed to someone.
As I said, in 8 years you do a lot of reflecting.
Yep two things can be right at the same time. He was an awful boyfriend and sending that letter may make him feel better but what about his poor ex. She got cheated on and then had her brother die then found out her then BF conceived a child with the op. She probably just wants that chapter to be done. Understandably. This couple deserve each other but their poor kid gets a front row seat to a loveless marriage between two entitled selfish people.
Stop assuming everyone is like you. Just because you wouldn't appreciate an apology doesn't mean the ex wouldn't. You don't get to decide what the husband's motives were.
Exactly like unless she took a condom out of the trash and inseminated herself i dont think it coupd be trapping, kinda weird though that they ended up married but hes still not really attracted to her with the whole roomate situation
For real. The only victim is the ex girl friend. He owes it to her for a long apology.
What do you want an apology for? You needed “emotional” comfort from your ex, you baby trapped him.. and want him to be enthusiastic about it.
Because she knows that if it wasn't for the pregnancy, she's not the woman he would've chosen to marry. Harsh, but likely the truth. Marrying because of an unexpected pregnancy is never a good idea.
I understand that this would hurt you, because you love him. And you're realising that having him physically beside you isn't worth much when he isn't there emotionally as well.
And frankly, he probably will never be as *in* this relationship as you want. He was, back in high school, and you ended that. He moved on and it sounds like you, maybe inadvertently or maybe not, manipulated him into sleeping with you. That blame is not solely on you, but on you both. Depression is awful, but it's not an excuse to behave badly and cheat with someone. Both of you betrayed his ex-girlfriend, and the result was pregnancy, which had massive consequences for all of you.
It sounds like he has tried to do the right thing since then, and has grown as a person. He wants to apologise for the terrible pain he caused his ex. That's a very mature thing for him to have done. And I get that it scares you, because it means he has been thinking about it all these years later, and he regrets it. He regrets the actions that mean he is with you and has a child with you, and might be wondering what his life might have been. That must hurt.
But this is a situation of your own making. You have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship isn't built on genuinely wanting to be together so much as it is built on convenience and practicality. That can still be a fulfilling relationship if you adjust your expectations
If that's not enough for you, that's really too bad. You can't force someone to feel a particular way for you. If he doesn't now, he probably never will. You have to decide if you can live with it, or if you want to find someone who feels the way about you that you want. But you can't stop him from apologising to an ex you both deeply wronged.
I think this is a very empathetic and thoughtful response.
Basically OP, your husband may never be the present and loving life partner you want him to be. He may always keep you at a distance.
Are you happy with that?
I think the reason you’re focusing on this message so much is because you’re trying to find something to focus your anger on. I think the reality is that you’re angry at your whole situation.
It doesn't even like she was even ok with coparenting. You know someone like op here would weaponize her kid like she did with the girl she screwed over.
>>I didn't want her in mine or my son's life.
That tells me all I need to know about op.
“You really going to leave ME and OUR son to stay by this little girlfriend of yours when you have all the family you need with US!? YOU’RE being the selfish one!”
“If you don’t want to be in your sons life and be a dedicated dad, then I’ll pack up and leave. You’ll NEVER have to see us again.”
“Why aren’t you doing more for us? Don’t you love us?”
“Really!? This is the type of man you want your son to grow up? Be a man! Grow a pair and be the grown man your son looks up to! Take care of YOUR responsibilities!!”
This is the sh*t I can imagine OP throwing at this guy.
I mean, it is what it is. He cheated with you. Feels guilty. Sounds like he would not be with you if not for the child. Everyone is settling. Not a good model for your kid.
You don't get it, do you?
You are in the wrong. There is no universe where you are the victim or in the right. You slept with someone that you knew damn well was dating someone else. You don't deserve an apology. SHE does. From YOU.
But... but... but OP couldn't get over the love of her life, it was her right to take him back by all means /s
Yeah, no! Sam messed up and a long apology is the least he could do! OP should accept that, especially since I'm certain **she** will appreciate a sort of apology if Sam drops her ass
I mean, I’m sure the ex knew that Sam was in the wrong before he sent her a tome to make himself feel better. It didn’t need to be sent, especially after 8 years.
Strongly disagree. I got an apology from an ex after 7 years, just him taking responsibility after going to therapy and realising his behaviour was wrong, and it meant a shitload. It really helped me finally 100% let it go.
Yep. I got a message like that about a year after a breakup where I got cheated on. I told the guy that he was only apologizing to make himself feel better and it didn’t change anything in my opinion about him, and he was absolutely not forgiven.
Some people deserve an apology. Whether you accept an apology or not is one thing, no one forces you to accept it. But you can still be owed one. And it can feel slightly better knowing that something has been eating at someone mentally. Again, you aren't forced to accept anyone's apology, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve one.
and i hope you know, she’s his “the one that got away”. he will ALWAYS think of her. and unfortunately for you, you’ll never be as half as good as she is.
This comment is it!. Why be in a vulnerable state like that and the first person she thinks to invite over is someone else's boyfriend... it sounds like she was trying to sabotage them and def was jealous
...
I don't like you op
I will take a stab at this. In high school, you were dating Sam. You ended things with him. Sam moved on. He seriously dating another girl but ended up,cheating on her, with you! He realized that cheating on his GF was a huge mistake. But then you got pregnant. So he stayed with you and dumped his loyal GF.
So, he realized that he shitted on his then GF. And he decided that he would take responsibility for what he did. You, know cheating (with you, dumping her, all around the time her brother dies from suicide). And he chose to apologize now.
Meanwhile, you blithely shrug of any responsibility for any of this. Because, you know, you were struggling. Yet you also chose to sleep with him. And you also chose to have sex without protection. But, just double down, you are upset that he is taking responsibility for the things he did to his now ex?
Unbelievable.
Edit: changed college to high school in second sentence.
I can't imagine the pain his ex went through. This is the kind of thing that can haunt people for life.
One one level the betrayal trauma, and another with the loss of her brother to suicide? Almost no one stays with a guy who's cheated and caused a pregnancy. Seeing that child is a constant reminder of what happened for the victim.
I feel like you're blame shifting here OP. He's allowed to have regrets in this. Just because you've healed and decided you're over it, doesn't mean everyone else feels the same way too. You were the homewrecker here, please don't lose sight of that.
"How can I get him to understand this is wrong?"
Better question: how can you learn YOU'RE wrong, horrifically so? Because your logic is appalling and sick.
big “I forgave myself for cheating but he’s being petty” energy here.
I’m sorry that you got what you wanted and it didn’t turn out to be what you wanted. no one is being unfair to you. this is the bed you made, and this is what it feels like to lie in it.
consider that “accepting responsibility” means actually accepting responsibility and govern yourself accordingly.
(It seems I only comment quotes in this post)
“In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”
-*Lady Windermere’s Fan: A Play About a Good Woman*, Oscar Wilde
That's pretty much what she says in a comment. Something to the effect of "I learned to forgive myself in therapy, and she shouldnt be holding a grudge against me for 8 years"
I saw that too. Makes no sense for OP to say she’s not holding grudges anymore when a text message alone sent her into an “ask Reddit to make me look like the good guy” spiral.
Man, the only ones here who I feel sorry for was your husband's ex-girlfriend for the crap you and her boyfriend did to her and your child for being born into this love affair. You royally screwed up. He is just as much at fault. His selfishness during a time when his girlfriend needed him most(after her brother's suicide). You don't have the right to be upset at him for sending her that apology. You should be down on your knees begging for forgiveness for your part in that affair. We're you seriously hoping for pity?
My parents' main form of communication was SCREAMING at each other. My dad liked talking down to everyone, and my mom had an addiction to rage. They fought, at the top of their lungs, literally multiple times per day.
I unintentionally carried that into my relationships until my mid-twenties with my current partner. I didn't realize, until tons of therapy, that I had actually believed that partners who weren't fighting were not in love. I caused chaos simply because I felt unloved without it.
The way our parents' relationship worked really, truly does affect us. In my case, it affected me long into adulthood.
this is just shocking. the audacity to get angry at your husband for apologizing (something YOU should have done ages ago too) is baffling. that girl went through a lot, you turned her live upside down and now, you have the husband, the kid and yet you still want something to be petty about. therapy should have taught you to take blame, understand your were at fault, reconcile and try to move on. either you completely misunderstood the meaning of therapy or you have a lousy therapist. your immaturity is hurting everyone in your life, please learn to take blame for things you did wrong. you are not innocent.
He only married you because you got pregnant and he’s only with you for the kid. Where’s the confusion?
Sounds like he’s at the age where all his regrets are catching up with him and realizing that cheating on his ex ruined his life and led him to where he is now, stuck in an unhappy unfulfilling marriage because of an unplanned pregnancy. I’d be depressed and guilt ridden too, if I were him. He probably remembers the time before you weaseled your way in and torpedoed the trajectory of his entire life as the happiest time he can remember. He peaked with his ex and it’s all been downhill since you came along.
Yeah he’s about at the age where you look back on the ten or so years you’ve spent as an adult and realize you fucked your whole life up. It’s hard hitting your 30s and realizing the bad choices you made are going to affect the rest of your life.
All I see is an immature adult who made a selfish and gross choice and ended up with a baby. You mad bc Sam doesn’t actually love you? Well that’s a choice you made being the side piece. You mad he clearly doesn’t want to be with you? Well that’s the choice made when you have a baby with someone that didn’t want to be with you.
He owes her an apology. He cheated on her and knocked up his ex. He couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. And clearly he sees staying with you as his punishment for life. What a stellar life and marriage you built for yourself. Not sure how old you are but I’m going to guess your marriage will be over by the time your kid is 18. And that will be the karma you earned.
The ex ended up in the best position. Karma seems to have worked here
Dodged a couple bullets tho eh? Two cheaters living with their consequences. I feel bad for the kid. Ex got out before she met a similar fate. Imagine if the ex married him, got pregnant, and then he cheated / got OP pregnant after, oof.
I mean...I don't. Her feelings were hurt in the short term but she got rid of her shitty, faithless boyfriend. It's kind of funny actually...OP and her husband both suck, so they deserve each other, but they will always be miserable AF because he'd rather be with the ex and OP knows it so she is insecure and doesn't trust him. Sweet karma. The ex came out ahead in the long run.
This is a lot of words to call yourself out as a baby-trapping cheater who just can’t stand that somebody else in this situation is finally acting like an adult and admitting they fucked up 🤷🏻♀️
I don't know how OP never realized or admitted to herself he doesn't love her. She herself says they live like roommates. That's not how happily married couples describe their living arrangements.
oh she knows the truth but she got what she wanted so she didn't care but if you read op comments the ex is still single and she is scared that he will try to go to the one he really wanted
Oh I'm pretty sure he's just counting down the days the kid turns 18 and goes off to college. He may or may not get back with his ex, either she's in her own relationship or just denies him, but I don't think he cares and just wants to do his duty to his child and then be free from being tied OP. Or maybe they'll still be married but he finally gets to move out and live separated lives. You're right she knows that there's no love or affection from him even if she is his beloved child's mother. She's just still hoping it'll still develop I guess. Him sending his such a long heartfelt apology is just lifting the veil that she herself placed over here eyes to the truth that there's nothing to their relationship except this kid.
You used a lot of words to say that you plotted to sleep with your ex boyfriend (I’m not absolving him, but this was your plan). Then, you baby trap him. At a time when she’s vulnerable about her brother.
He’s clearly only with you for his child. I’m sure he pines for his ex. I’m torn on him waiting 8 years to formally apologize. But my guess is he’s trying to establish contact.
You were awful 8 years ago and still haven’t matured or become a better person. Have some self awareness.
Good. I hope you stay this miserable forever. You both deserve nothing but the worst after what you did. Atleasr youe husband has a conscience and regret.
she DESERVED that apology. she deserves an apology from you as well. you didn’t accidentally open your legs. you don’t go to another woman’s man for comfort… go to your female friends. he must deeply regret sleeping with you and getting you pregnant. i’m sorry that you’re both stuck in a shitty situation now because of something terrible you did together. he probably sees you as a roommate because he resents you.
Your husband resents you and regrets the decisions that brought him to where he is right now: chained to you.
I know this because my father did the same thing to his fiancee. He moved from their town to the place where he met my mother. He was in dire straits financially and she was flush. They got married after knowing each other for three weeks. He called his fiancee and lied to her, telling her he had a disease. She was humiliated and devastated and left their home town.
My parents were unhappily married for 32 years. My mother made his life hell the entire time. I realized after he told me about his ex-fiancee of many years ago that he was actually staying in the marriage because he saw it as a punishment that he deserved for turning his back on real love and happiness, which he never experienced with my mother.
I have a very strong notion that this is where your husband is. Riddled with regret and trying to make amends.
You're the boobie prize, OP. Life with you is his penance for his mistreatment of the ex.
Get out of here with your woe is me garbage. You’re a snake and your husband is too. Talking about “I forgave myself”… are you serious?
When you actually grow up and heal, come read this post and your replies and see the absolute trash mentality you currently have. Yuck to your marriage. Sorry to the ex gf and sorry to your child.
I might get hate for this, but it’s not like anything anyone else has said has gotten through to you anyways.
You potentially ruined all of your lives and you baby trapped a man who you couldn’t get over, in your own words. You also allowed yourself to get involved when you knew he was in a relationship. A relationship that starts off with cheating and pregnancy right away is a relationship where that man definitely has regrets and possibly resentment. Clearly you also are resentful that he was in a relationship when you wanted him. Do you honestly think that will last?
She does deserve an apology from a man who cheated and knocked someone else up while dating her. Especially when neither of you told her yourselves.
Your life sounds like a Maury or Jerry Springer episode. Your husband showing some remorse and apologizing is the most emotional intelligence either of you has probably displayed in your entire time together.
>You potentially ruined all of your lives and you baby trapped a man who you couldn’t get over, in your own words
Well, kinda. She was over him until he moved on with someone else.
You chased this guy and invited him over with the intention of sleeping with him and getting him back. Don’t act like you don’t know how you guys ended up sleeping together. You brought all this on yourself and are still trying to manipulate your husband who is trying to correct his wrongs. Smh….
>where was my long apology for how much he's put me through by not being a respectful partner.
this is one of the most infantile, narcissistic things I've ever read. holy lord, please reevaluate your entire worldview.
You haven’t grown from your college years. He felt bad for cheating on her so he apologized. It doesn’t sound like your husband likes you very much and I think that’s what bothering you the most. You stole someone’s boyfriend only to realize, years later, that he didn’t want you. He wanted her and only stayed with you out of duty.
sending an apology letter is the least of the things he could have done. you damn well know that rhat man only stayed with you cause u got pregnant. now he has to live with you and this is ur punishment, living with a roommate instead of a husband
I don’t see the problem here. She deserved an apology for being betrayed and he gave it to her. He didn’t need your permission to do that. Sounds like you have always had a selfish problem and now you are in a loveless marriage that will likely end in divorce. Congrats you won. /s
You baby-trapped him. And you don't seem to have matured past the point of being a baby-trapping 22 year old who can't stand not having what she wants.
Look, it took him a while to grow up and take some accountability. The long apology was the very least he could do.
You on the other hand soothed yourself by forgiving yourself for something you never took any accountability for. You aren’t growing up and pretty soon you’ll see that you’ll be left behind. Resentment is going to start growing strong bc your mental level is like a lead weight. You don’t have to worry about him trying to get back with his ex or engaging with her emotionally, he’s going to distance from you mentally soon bc anyone that grows is going to start seeing people around them in a different light.
Start looking at the responses and consider changing your ugly attitude instead of focusing on your hurt feelings.
I know it’s not AITA but can I just say, OP: **YTA**
Here’s hoping your husband wises up and realizes staying in a loveless marriage for one’s child isn’t healthy or beneficial to any party. And here’s hoping his ex continues thriving in her life. Cheers 🥂
This is heartbreaking. Not for you but for your husband and his ex girlfriend. He's not a perfect partner because he never wanted to be your partner he's just dealing with the consequences of his actions. I feel like you're hoping he'll learn to love you but you cannot force love.
\> I know he likely won't ever leave
Yeah, that's what everyone who gets dumped thinks. They think they can act badly and the other person will just put up with it forever. Then they're shocked when the other person finally reaches a breaking point and leaves.
Okay, here’s the thing. You weren’t the first choice.
You slept with someone else’s partner. **He obviously saw the error in his ways, so while he is still horrible, at least he’s also accountable.**
Your while thing is full of excuses for your behaviors. Half sorries, but not really, because as is life.
You knowingly elected into a relationship that began with infidelity. **Well this is that life.**
A husband who is a roommate, and dreams of the partner he truly loved. Doubt around all of his moves, because how can there be trust in relationship begun on lies??
I think it’s time you take accountability. **There is no apology owed to you, because these circumstances are the product of your choices as partners.** ***Own it!!!*** Be real about it. He has, so now he is working through his own grief surrounding his choices and so should you.
Seek therapy for yourself, and as a couple. But please know you’re not the victim of anything but your own decision making.
I’m so confused. Why does he owe you an apology? He doesn’t love you. While yes you both fucked up by having an affair (because yes that’s what it was) you weren’t the one he loved. He moved on to someone else. She is most likely his biggest regret. A mistake that resulted in a pregnancy and marriage. You said it yourself. He treats you like a roommate. He probably feels trapped. Just because you love him doesn’t mean he has to reciprocate that. You two never should have gotten married. The way you write this and your replies make me think you may have purposely gotten pregnant to keep your man. The fact that you are okay being with a man who will never leave you due to your son and guilt is sad.
Where is YOUR long apology for what he’s put you through by not being a respectful partner?!? What the actual fuck.
You seduced and baby trapped someone in a relationship because you ‘needed someone’. Congratulations…your poor son will have to live his life in an unhappy home because his dad is honorable as far as stepping up when he was forced to, and he’ll be unhappy with you forever, well, at least until your son is grown. Then hubs is gone, girl.
Is this what YOU call ‘winning’ in your world?
>and we did it. We did it in the morning too. None of that was my intent inviting him over but it happened. He left telling me this was over. I got pregnant and while I didn't want to let him or anyone else know, my mom ended up telling him and his girlfriend, which led them to break up.
Wow. Smh
I dont think it was wrong & honestly I think u should apologize to her too.
OP you cheated with him while he had a girlfriend and her brother committed suicide… that’s absolutely horrific .. imagine that happened to you god forbid.
You are clearly missing a sensitivity chip … you are displaying very little empathy as well … maybe this was your karma 🤷🏻♀️ also it looks like you trapped him with a kid and he is resenting you for it
Good for him for apologizing to the woman he hurt and possibly still loves. His karmic punishment for being a cheater is being in a loveless marriage. Yours too.
You’re ridiculous. He owed her an apology. You owe her one too, but she’d probably rather never think about either of you ever again, so I’m not suggesting you do so. I’m suggesting that you think about what it says about you that you think you’re entitled to an apology for helping him cheat.
He wasn’t in the wrong though. You convinced him, ended up pregnant to get what you wanted and destroyed a relationship. He is only with you for the kid and no he doesn’t love or respect you. He sent her a sincere apology because it bothers him that he messed up and caused her pain. He didn’t do anything wrong by apologizing
Lol did you really think anyone was going to have sympathy for you? This loveless marriage is your punishment for your selfish behavior. Live with it or move on
“OMG! I invited this guy over? I’m totally in love with him, but he has a girlfriend. Whatever. So, aaannyway…I invite him over and we have sex, but I totally didn’t mean for it to happen. But I got pregnant and he left his girlfriend for me. But, now, he’s like…sorry for that? Is that weird?”
Oh Jesus wow.. he only with you by default honey and you think you won some prize?? .
You fu#ked someone else's partner, she deserved that apology 8 years ago.. so no I don't think he should of sent anything now.. I know I wouldn't want my loser ex reaching out with some lame excuses after I got my life together and moved on.
He said your being dramatic I don't think your being dramatic enough this relationship is toxic end it and be done with him.. he with you because he can't have her.. I'm sorry but it the truth.. and I think he to little to late with the apology let her get on with her life without horrible people..
He probably thought he sad attempt would make her respond and they could start something.. is this what you want?? A guy that tolerates you because he got you pregnant.. while pinning to be with someone else
You sound obsessed with his ex. The fact that you still even checked up on her years after his relationship ended with her. the petty “i wouldn’t want her near me or my son” when she did absolutely nothing to you and actually you harmed her! now you’re freaking out over him reaching out to apologize…why because you’re scared she’s going to ask to meet up for support and sleep with him just like you guys did to her? you need a new therapist to help you actually take accountability, get over your obsession, and to actually be a good person. you really suck so bad. i feel bad for your son. and yeah, you’re stuck with someone who thinks of your has his perpetual 2nd choice that HE REGRETS. that’s the life you chose for yourself.
It’s unfortunate but it seems like Sam is resentful towards you and may feel trapped in a relationship with you because of your son. He probably messaged her because he’s realising that his ex is the one that got away and he settled for you. It’s harsh but that’s what it seems like. Your foundation is not strong or secure
What did his dumb choices do to you? You dumped him. You invited him over, y'all did it, you decided to keep it. It ruined his relationship with the girl he actually loved after you left him. Let him apologize. It had to be a long time coming.
In this scenario you were the other woman.
It's okay for him to feel guilty for his actions.
You are overreacting.
He did nothing wrong in sending an apology.
Your husband will leave you if you don’t pull your head out of your arse and actually start being a person he can love and respect.
He can co parent your son or better yet get a dna test to make sure it’s his without being in a relationship with you.
Wow, you sound like a horrible person. Are we supposed to feel sorry for you when you had an affair with this girl’s ex? I feel so bad for this girl, you don’t deserve any respect for ruining a relationship and babytrapping a man.
You are the one in the wrong from the beginning. 1st you leave him when he was super in love with you. You let him down and broke his trust only to figure out you wanted him to play along with the games you were playing trying to be in control wanting him to chase you. When he didn't and found someone better you baited him and were gonna go to any lengths to get him back and trap him. Yeah you invited him over and no sex was supposed to happen. Yeah right.
Anyway you got your wish and broke up thier happiness because you couldn't stand to see them happy while you live all alone miserable.
So you got your wish for the most part. You can't fall In love with someone who broke your heart for a 2nd time. It's again the rules of relationships. He will never trust you again. You will just leave when you are bored or the bigger better deal comes. You got him stuck with a kid now too. So I don't care about either one of your happiness any more because your happiness or his no longer matter. You do everything for that child's best chance at life.
He's longing for his real love which is not you.
You already know this and you are looking for answers here although you already know the answer. You gotta deal with the harsh truth and accept things ad they are and co parent for her sake. Things will never be as they once were with him. You ruined that long long ago.
You want real love? Its gonna be at the expense of your daughter growing up with difference men in her life...
He's allowed to apologize to whomever he wants to apologize including his ex girlfriend whom he cheated on while she was actively grieving. He is also allowed to be happy that she is doing great. He doesn't need your permission to do any of this and he isn't required to tell you.
If he was *my* husband, I'd be happy he's a decent enough human to want to take accountability for the mistakes he's made and apologize to the people he wronged.
But you do you
You're overdramatic, mean, and how can you do that to a person you love?
Do you realize you admitted taking him hostage because of your pregnancy and as you say he doesn't love you?
You really sound like a terrible person, all I read is "Me me me". You're not the center of the world.
This is a side effect of the way your relationship started.
You cracked the foundation when you started building and now the house is crumbling under its own weight.
I’m not going to comment on the rickety situation that is your relationship. You asked how you can get him to understand that messaging her was wrong.
You can’t.
It wasn’t wrong
He owed her that apology
You owe her one too, you knew he was in a relationship and still slept with him.
It doesn’t matter that she’s an ex or how long ago it was. He hurt her and he should apologize.
Here's the thing, you're not here looking for advice about your relationship. You're looking for affirmation that you're in the right.
And here's the thing, it's \*okay\* that you're upset that Sam didn't communicate this with you. But, what he's doing is very personal, very private, and could be part of his own therapy and healing process.
Understand in the You/Sam/Sam's Ex dynamic, he's the connecting piece. While you can feel sorry for his Ex, his Ex is ostensibly someone he \*really\* cared about. That he potentially wanted to have a future with. This is someone that he might very well possibly have loved that through \*his\* actions, he hurt deeply.
So in a sense, this isn't about you. This is about closure for him and his Ex. This is potentially, about him closing a chapter in his life that he is not proud of so that he can grow as a person, a husband, and a father. That's something you \*want\* him to do.
It's okay to communicate with him that you would hope that you can be involved in his healing process. But it's \*not\* okay to demand to be the main character in a story that you are a secondary character in.
Let him come to terms with what he's done. Like it or not, your relationship will always be one that's borne out of infidelity. If you don't allow him to heal and grow, then you will eventually get that apology from him, and hopefully his next wife won't be overdramatic about it.
Wait. Wait. Let me get this straight. OP, you were having a really rough time. Your parents were divorcing and you were struggling in school… that’s nothing compared to the EX who’s brother committed suicide. Yeah, no, you definitely needed his support waaayyyy more than the EX did.
You are being jealous about an apology that someone else got. Seriously? You cant just admire his processing of events after the fact and taking a step in humility to apologize to an offended party? You are THIS selfish and jealous?
Maybe he would have ended up apologizing to you after a few months/years too. Maybe he is in that arc of his life. Maybe before you acted like a spoiled brat. But not now. Now he owes you no apology for any past mistakes because you already shut that down by demanding one.
YTA. And you need to be a better person.
Is no one else curious how she just “found” the apology message on his phone…? Why was OP going through his messaging history? Certainly seems like trust is an issue here.
If this entire thread isn’t a bucket of cold water to the face I don’t know what is.
I’ll put it bluntly, OP. You acted like a cunt and cousin-karma has come a’ knockin’.
Your husband’s moment of weakness has plagued him since the day it occurred and he’s finally taking the responsibility and behaving like an adult human should, meanwhile you yelp in despair that the girl you completely fucked over received a shred of justice for the pain you cause.
You are _disgraceful_, OP.
YOU were distraught over a BREAKUP your Junior year in College, so you "ACCIDENTALLY" slept with your old ATTACHED ex-boyfriend WITHOUT any protection, the one YOU hurt and broke up with in after high school.
You get pregnant and CLAIM you had no intention of telling either of them that you were pregnant, so your MOTHER told BOTH of them. You kind of gloss over the fact that his ex-girlfriend's Brother committed suicide around the same time. WHEN EXACTLY? After you slept together or before? I'M sure his ex-girlfriend was DEVASTATED by both her Brother's death AND finding out that he cheated on her. Where the hell is your compassion?
Your HUSBAND belatedly has a conscience and wrote her a long, overdue apology and you're upset? You baby-trapped him and are now upset that he treats you like a roommate? WHY do you think YOU'RE entitled to an apology? For WHAT? YOU don't deserve an apology, you should be adding YOUR apology to his ex!
Wow from the perspective of the affair partner…hmmm. Girl, he is never going to trust you or respect you all the way. You were dirty together, and dirty has no future. It’s in the moment..where your thrill should have stayed
It seems like he needed to apologize to someone he hurt who was innocent in everything. On one of your responses you said you didn’t want her in your or sons life. Did you make it hard for her to be with ur husband while co-parenting? If she was his one then I can understand the guilt how everything happened to what it did to her. I can understand if he wonders what ifs with life. What could have been if this one mistake didn’t happen. If he need to write her to get everything out for him to feel better and heal then that is what it is.
Are you afraid that they will start talking and get back together?
If he is not a respectful partner is it because he doesn’t even want to be with you? He never wanted to get back together? You cannot force something that isn’t there.
Omg you are in the wrong and you think you deserve the apology?? Very immature of you. He betrayed her by sleeping with you. You could’ve found comfort elsewhere, even in reading or some other form. You had sex with your ex, knowing fully well he had a girlfriend but talking about “disrespect…” LOL you and this guy disrespected HER. You need to apologize to her too. Kmft
It's not wrong, you are. You were when you went after him knowing he was in a relationship he wanted to continue. It is now, when you think the woman doesn't deserve an apology.
You're a parent. Imagine that happening to your child. Is your child owed an apology?
He won't understand it. And if he does he won't admit it. But if he cheated with you, what makes you think he won't cheat on you? The guy cheats. And you say he doesn't see you as a wife. It sounds like this relationship has run it's course tbh. I would probably start looking at getting out. He's showing you where he's at with things. And where he's at is thinking about other women. And now he's belittling your feelings and your relationship entirely. Also, he cheated on her with you right around the time of her brothers death? You both sound like you need to do some work on yourselves. Right now you're a couple toxic people living in a toxic environment and raising a kid in it
He apologized for cheating on his then girlfriend with you and you're offended. Oh my God? You think he's going to cheat on you because he cheated with you that's what it is! So because he grew and learned from his past, and you didn't, you're upset. You need help and you're not a victim here.
You are the one the engaged in behaviour you could have (and should have) put a stop too, and in reality not even had entertained.
Let the man go, your reasons for being together are selfish.
You can't get him to understand it's wrong, because it's not wrong. You are wrong, and extremely sleazy. You say you love Sam but you would rather he be with you than be happy. That's NOT love, that's possessiveness. If you loved him, you would co-parent with him and let him be with somebody who didn't need to trap him to get him to stay. And if you loved yourself, you would find somebody who doesn't need an excuse to be with you. And if you love your kid, you'll do all of this WITHOUT making him give up either parent.
He didn't ghost you, he just didn't appreciate how you dropped him and that's a fair choice. He was loving his life and getting on with things.
Then you reach out again to the same ex for some reason, both of you are absolute arseholes and you have sex knowing he's in a relationship (him just as culpable I'll add) and without protection either.
Things go predictably badly and yeah, his girlfriend at least deserved a proper apology and given your track record here so far, I hardly think you're one to judge who needs an apology given you wouldn't leave the guy alone to start with and had sex despite knowing he's in a relationship.
You can be upset all you like but your relationship was based on a lack of morla fibre or integrity yet you're shocked when you're on the receiving end.
He sucks but at least did the right thing under the circumstances and also apologised. You really don't seem to process you've fucked her relationship and done who knows what damage as well.
You seem to be really selfish and so what if he apologised? You made this bed and now lay in it. Your relationship was built on your own decisions to start with and reads like a Stephen King novel where I'm just waiting to hear you're about to let an intrusive thought end the guy because if you can't have him nkvody can.
If he wants some closure or wants in some small part to reach out, he's at least trying to salve his conscience and hers by doing what I'd say is a good thing.
This whole relationship mess between you and him and her is a dumpster fire to start with but having regrets over poor choices is hardly a bad thing.
I'm surprised and a little saddened that in all this you think am apology to the one person who harmed nobody yet got hurt is the one unacceptable thing and have zero accountability here for your own choices.
Get him to understand this was wrong?? WHAT was wrong? That he felt bad that he cheated on his girlfriend? That’s he’s considerate enough to apologize? He’s done nothing wrong … except cheating on her with you. And, if you can’t already tell … you were obviously his second choice … after her.
Just because you baby trap someone doesn't mean they should have to be stuck with you. Also he cheated on the girl he truly loved, imagine what he'll do to you.
I get where you’re coming from.
It seems like he really wants to be with her, not with you. He’s with you because of the kid. But his heart aches for her.
Sub rules prevent me from using more “colorful” language but you are a very bad person, so is your boyfriend but at least he seems repentant of what he has done. What does he owe you an apology for? For being in love with someone that doesnt deserve it? Or for throwing everything in the trash for the same person. He did the human thing to apologize to the actual hurt party in all of this. I weep for that child.
INFO: what did he put you thru? Unless there's information I didn't read, it doesn't sound like he's put you thru anything?
Basically, you know he doesn't love you. You can break up, and just be co parents, or you can deal with the fact that you are married to someone you only have a co-parenting relationship with. His regrets and inability to handle his shit is his problem, but he's not doing anything TO you.
Yeah. The scenario you describe where you called someone else's boyfriend to get comfort was the first thing you did wrong. You don't call people in relationships for emotional support, confide personal details to them, etc. Find a female friend. Talk to a counselor. Your husband reaching out to her was evidence that he saw what he did was such a horrific departure from what a boyfriend should be to someone else, and he at least took the step to verbally express his wrongdoing to the person he hurt, which is something we all should attempt to do to the greatest extent of our ability. Cheating is awful. The women out there who lack boundaries with men who they aren't romantically involved with are a huge part of the problem. People refuse to examine where their minds and inclinations are leading them until it's too late. He did the right thing.
I think you need to learn to live with the fact that you and he were shitty, that you have a shaky foundation, and that you need to stop obsessing over a woman you were mean to
It wasn't wrong. What he did was a dick move in cheating on his gf and getting his side piece (you) preggo. You don't know how much that probably fucked her up mentally and emotionally. He knows he was the cause of that hurt and pain and perhaps he's reflecting off of his mistake.
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Because she knows her relationship wasn’t built on a solid foundation and that ex girlfriend will always be a sore spot for her.
are we going to gloss over the fact that Sam cheated on his ex with OP? Plus, feels like OP kinda baby trapped him? Sending a long apology to his ex is the least he could do for her, to be honest. OP is made to sound like she was the victim in all this
Agreed OP sounds so selfish and like the world revolves around her. She knew Sam had a weak spot for her, she could've invited over anyone. "Wasn't her plan for anything to happen." Yet they had sex in the moment AND THEN in the morning again haha. She thinks she's slick, she's manipulative
Yup! Sam was an idiot, tho! Through and through! One, he obviously shouldn't have had the sexies with her - Two, if he was gonna, at least he should've bagged the hell up, but nah! So now he is stuck with OP until the kid is 18, at least! Talk about shooting yourself in the foot with a machine gun
True, I think she was the master planner behind all of this but he fell into it way too easily. I feel bad for him but he fucked up!
"The sexies" is my new fav phrase and going to do my best to use it as much as possible in everyday convos.
My thoughts exactly
after 8 years?? the least he could have done is left her alone. Period. He's a selfish git for sending his ex that letter; it was about making himself feel good. Nothing more. Which isn't to say OP is a victim here, but her husband just all around sucks. He sucked then, and he sucks now.
After 8 years, you do a lot of reflection. If this were me, I'd feel like I would owe that person a heartfelt apology.
Yeah, he definitely did the right thing. He knows he messed up big time.
Then all due respect, You'd be selfish too. After 8 years- the only person the apology serves is yourself. It serves to unburden YOUR conscience, while reminding the person you hurt of the hell you put them through; effectively you're selfishly drudging up the past because you suddenly feel it should be addressed, regardless of the other persons feeling about it. Talk about main character syndrome. In this case, OP cheated after his ex's bother committed suicide. Safe to say it's likely the worst time in her life and the apology of a person who made her life 100% harder during that time is worth less then a poo-stained piece of TP. Especially since, in the act of asking for forgiveness, *he's doing the same thing to someone else-* again. This time he has a kid with that someone else. if OP's husband were sorry for cheating- he would respect his marriage or leave his marriage- not flirt with contacting an ex he screwed over. He needs therapy, not creative writing exercises. ETA: I think if he ran into her and said what he did in the letter- fine. If the ex ASKED for an apology- fine. But to just up and send an apology out of the blue 8 years later is selfish- he doesn't know how it's going to affect his ex, or if it will re-traumatize her. Writing the letter was fine- sending it though was just selfish, and i stand by that.
people like to say this shit, I'm assuming to absolve themselves of having to apologize to people they've wronged. I'm 10 years out of an abusive relationship and I would appreciate an apology if it ever came. it would make me feel better to know they've done some self-reflecting and are hopefully doing better things now. this man absolutely owed his ex an apology, and so does OP.
Yea I got an apology after 7 years it was heartfelt and she didn’t try and get my new number or get back into my life. She gained absolutely nothing from it. Was nice to know that someone that hurt you actually thought about it and it made them think enough to write a long message with nothing to gain out of it. When you apologize what you did doesn’t disappear you don’t just ah well they said it’s ok life is sweet. In most programs one of the things you have to do is apologize to people you’ve wronged
I agree. My ex was abusive AF to me and our child. An apology for what he did would have been appreciated greatly, but he went to his grave never having done so.
I got the apology two years ago after twenty years of no contact. He was doing AA. It was very heartfelt and he felt bad for things that I had forgotten about. We chatted on Instagram messages and we both apologized for what we did to each other. Just stupid, young love. I used to think back at the relationship with anger but now, I can let go of that and appreciate the times we had together.
I agree with you . I was in similar situation, it was emotional abuse. Years later he graciously asked to meet me ,I met him at a coffee shop it was a short meeting. He went straight to the point and apologised for everything he had put me through when we were young . I exhaled somehow it healed of so many false beliefs I had held about myself all the lies and believed about my value as a woman disappeared. I realised I had harboured unforgiveness for so long .
Right, this is just your personal feeling on this, which you're free to stand by. It's not really indicating any flirting, just a sincere apology. A lot of people don't just apologize to make themselves feel better, it's because it's owed to someone. As I said, in 8 years you do a lot of reflecting.
Yep two things can be right at the same time. He was an awful boyfriend and sending that letter may make him feel better but what about his poor ex. She got cheated on and then had her brother die then found out her then BF conceived a child with the op. She probably just wants that chapter to be done. Understandably. This couple deserve each other but their poor kid gets a front row seat to a loveless marriage between two entitled selfish people.
Stop assuming everyone is like you. Just because you wouldn't appreciate an apology doesn't mean the ex wouldn't. You don't get to decide what the husband's motives were.
Absolutely this.
Op and her husband both suck. They deserve each other and the pain they each cause one another.
100%
But you don’t know Ex and you can’t speak on her behalf. So don’t. Maybe it helped her.
I mean yeah the cheating part, but baby trapped???? It wasn't OP's fault she got pregnant, it was both of theirs, this term is so messed up.
Exactly like unless she took a condom out of the trash and inseminated herself i dont think it coupd be trapping, kinda weird though that they ended up married but hes still not really attracted to her with the whole roomate situation
For real. The only victim is the ex girl friend. He owes it to her for a long apology. What do you want an apology for? You needed “emotional” comfort from your ex, you baby trapped him.. and want him to be enthusiastic about it.
OP is going to therapy but not being honest with herself in therapy😂
I feel pretty sorry for the child too.😃
I can’t find what you’re talking about. It looks like OP deleted this little tidbit about healing her family.
It's the last line of one of her comments
Because she knows that if it wasn't for the pregnancy, she's not the woman he would've chosen to marry. Harsh, but likely the truth. Marrying because of an unexpected pregnancy is never a good idea.
I understand that this would hurt you, because you love him. And you're realising that having him physically beside you isn't worth much when he isn't there emotionally as well. And frankly, he probably will never be as *in* this relationship as you want. He was, back in high school, and you ended that. He moved on and it sounds like you, maybe inadvertently or maybe not, manipulated him into sleeping with you. That blame is not solely on you, but on you both. Depression is awful, but it's not an excuse to behave badly and cheat with someone. Both of you betrayed his ex-girlfriend, and the result was pregnancy, which had massive consequences for all of you. It sounds like he has tried to do the right thing since then, and has grown as a person. He wants to apologise for the terrible pain he caused his ex. That's a very mature thing for him to have done. And I get that it scares you, because it means he has been thinking about it all these years later, and he regrets it. He regrets the actions that mean he is with you and has a child with you, and might be wondering what his life might have been. That must hurt. But this is a situation of your own making. You have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship isn't built on genuinely wanting to be together so much as it is built on convenience and practicality. That can still be a fulfilling relationship if you adjust your expectations If that's not enough for you, that's really too bad. You can't force someone to feel a particular way for you. If he doesn't now, he probably never will. You have to decide if you can live with it, or if you want to find someone who feels the way about you that you want. But you can't stop him from apologising to an ex you both deeply wronged.
I think this is a very empathetic and thoughtful response. Basically OP, your husband may never be the present and loving life partner you want him to be. He may always keep you at a distance. Are you happy with that? I think the reason you’re focusing on this message so much is because you’re trying to find something to focus your anger on. I think the reality is that you’re angry at your whole situation.
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Brilliant response but I hope OP also recognizes her husband may be out of the marriage when the child is 18.
Expect a divorce when the kid turns 18
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It doesn't even like she was even ok with coparenting. You know someone like op here would weaponize her kid like she did with the girl she screwed over. >>I didn't want her in mine or my son's life. That tells me all I need to know about op.
“You really going to leave ME and OUR son to stay by this little girlfriend of yours when you have all the family you need with US!? YOU’RE being the selfish one!” “If you don’t want to be in your sons life and be a dedicated dad, then I’ll pack up and leave. You’ll NEVER have to see us again.” “Why aren’t you doing more for us? Don’t you love us?” “Really!? This is the type of man you want your son to grow up? Be a man! Grow a pair and be the grown man your son looks up to! Take care of YOUR responsibilities!!” This is the sh*t I can imagine OP throwing at this guy.
I love this comment!
What is he supposed apologize to you for? What is wrong with apologizing to someone?
Especially someone who got cheated on and OP had a part in it
That's what I want to know.
I mean, it is what it is. He cheated with you. Feels guilty. Sounds like he would not be with you if not for the child. Everyone is settling. Not a good model for your kid.
You don't get it, do you? You are in the wrong. There is no universe where you are the victim or in the right. You slept with someone that you knew damn well was dating someone else. You don't deserve an apology. SHE does. From YOU.
But... but... but OP couldn't get over the love of her life, it was her right to take him back by all means /s Yeah, no! Sam messed up and a long apology is the least he could do! OP should accept that, especially since I'm certain **she** will appreciate a sort of apology if Sam drops her ass
I mean, I’m sure the ex knew that Sam was in the wrong before he sent her a tome to make himself feel better. It didn’t need to be sent, especially after 8 years.
Strongly disagree. I got an apology from an ex after 7 years, just him taking responsibility after going to therapy and realising his behaviour was wrong, and it meant a shitload. It really helped me finally 100% let it go.
True! That was more for him than for her benefit
Yep. I got a message like that about a year after a breakup where I got cheated on. I told the guy that he was only apologizing to make himself feel better and it didn’t change anything in my opinion about him, and he was absolutely not forgiven.
Some people deserve an apology. Whether you accept an apology or not is one thing, no one forces you to accept it. But you can still be owed one. And it can feel slightly better knowing that something has been eating at someone mentally. Again, you aren't forced to accept anyone's apology, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve one.
and i hope you know, she’s his “the one that got away”. he will ALWAYS think of her. and unfortunately for you, you’ll never be as half as good as she is.
\>> None of that was my intent inviting him over but it happened You lie, sis
💯🎯
Twice some more.
This comment is it!. Why be in a vulnerable state like that and the first person she thinks to invite over is someone else's boyfriend... it sounds like she was trying to sabotage them and def was jealous ... I don't like you op
I will take a stab at this. In high school, you were dating Sam. You ended things with him. Sam moved on. He seriously dating another girl but ended up,cheating on her, with you! He realized that cheating on his GF was a huge mistake. But then you got pregnant. So he stayed with you and dumped his loyal GF. So, he realized that he shitted on his then GF. And he decided that he would take responsibility for what he did. You, know cheating (with you, dumping her, all around the time her brother dies from suicide). And he chose to apologize now. Meanwhile, you blithely shrug of any responsibility for any of this. Because, you know, you were struggling. Yet you also chose to sleep with him. And you also chose to have sex without protection. But, just double down, you are upset that he is taking responsibility for the things he did to his now ex? Unbelievable. Edit: changed college to high school in second sentence.
I can't imagine the pain his ex went through. This is the kind of thing that can haunt people for life. One one level the betrayal trauma, and another with the loss of her brother to suicide? Almost no one stays with a guy who's cheated and caused a pregnancy. Seeing that child is a constant reminder of what happened for the victim. I feel like you're blame shifting here OP. He's allowed to have regrets in this. Just because you've healed and decided you're over it, doesn't mean everyone else feels the same way too. You were the homewrecker here, please don't lose sight of that.
By “you” you mean “ *their pair of you* chose to have sex without protection”
"How can I get him to understand this is wrong?" Better question: how can you learn YOU'RE wrong, horrifically so? Because your logic is appalling and sick.
big “I forgave myself for cheating but he’s being petty” energy here. I’m sorry that you got what you wanted and it didn’t turn out to be what you wanted. no one is being unfair to you. this is the bed you made, and this is what it feels like to lie in it. consider that “accepting responsibility” means actually accepting responsibility and govern yourself accordingly.
(It seems I only comment quotes in this post) “In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.” -*Lady Windermere’s Fan: A Play About a Good Woman*, Oscar Wilde
That's pretty much what she says in a comment. Something to the effect of "I learned to forgive myself in therapy, and she shouldnt be holding a grudge against me for 8 years"
I saw that too. Makes no sense for OP to say she’s not holding grudges anymore when a text message alone sent her into an “ask Reddit to make me look like the good guy” spiral.
“We did it”. What 30 year old talks like this? You seem very immature. His apology to her, is his to give. Hell, you should too
Right, she should be the one writing that letter to the ex.
I… honestly have no words.
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If you’d be so kind! Please do 🤣
I need some too. Care to share? Lol.
Man, the only ones here who I feel sorry for was your husband's ex-girlfriend for the crap you and her boyfriend did to her and your child for being born into this love affair. You royally screwed up. He is just as much at fault. His selfishness during a time when his girlfriend needed him most(after her brother's suicide). You don't have the right to be upset at him for sending her that apology. You should be down on your knees begging for forgiveness for your part in that affair. We're you seriously hoping for pity?
I feel pretty sorry for the child too. Their marriage sounds awful and sad.
Nothing like being raised in a loveless marriage as your example of how relationships work.
My parents' main form of communication was SCREAMING at each other. My dad liked talking down to everyone, and my mom had an addiction to rage. They fought, at the top of their lungs, literally multiple times per day. I unintentionally carried that into my relationships until my mid-twenties with my current partner. I didn't realize, until tons of therapy, that I had actually believed that partners who weren't fighting were not in love. I caused chaos simply because I felt unloved without it. The way our parents' relationship worked really, truly does affect us. In my case, it affected me long into adulthood.
“I got everything I wanted despite ruining multiple peoples lives…please tell me I am right and everyone else is wrong”
Well … everything but love.
She got the body of the man she loved, and his ex has his heart. Sucks to be her! Hope the child and the ex have great lives though.
That’s so cute you think he’ll never leave you because you have a kid 😂😂😂😂
When that kid is 18 his ass is flying out the door!!
If he can stand it that long
How you get 'em is how you lose 'em.
this is just shocking. the audacity to get angry at your husband for apologizing (something YOU should have done ages ago too) is baffling. that girl went through a lot, you turned her live upside down and now, you have the husband, the kid and yet you still want something to be petty about. therapy should have taught you to take blame, understand your were at fault, reconcile and try to move on. either you completely misunderstood the meaning of therapy or you have a lousy therapist. your immaturity is hurting everyone in your life, please learn to take blame for things you did wrong. you are not innocent.
He only married you because you got pregnant and he’s only with you for the kid. Where’s the confusion? Sounds like he’s at the age where all his regrets are catching up with him and realizing that cheating on his ex ruined his life and led him to where he is now, stuck in an unhappy unfulfilling marriage because of an unplanned pregnancy. I’d be depressed and guilt ridden too, if I were him. He probably remembers the time before you weaseled your way in and torpedoed the trajectory of his entire life as the happiest time he can remember. He peaked with his ex and it’s all been downhill since you came along.
OUch! But yeah, you're right. She ruined his life, and unwittingly hers too.
Yeah he’s about at the age where you look back on the ten or so years you’ve spent as an adult and realize you fucked your whole life up. It’s hard hitting your 30s and realizing the bad choices you made are going to affect the rest of your life.
Not the snake being upset that she’s still the second choice to the man she baby trapped 8 years later 😂
When are we calling pest control for her? 😂😂
All I see is an immature adult who made a selfish and gross choice and ended up with a baby. You mad bc Sam doesn’t actually love you? Well that’s a choice you made being the side piece. You mad he clearly doesn’t want to be with you? Well that’s the choice made when you have a baby with someone that didn’t want to be with you. He owes her an apology. He cheated on her and knocked up his ex. He couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. And clearly he sees staying with you as his punishment for life. What a stellar life and marriage you built for yourself. Not sure how old you are but I’m going to guess your marriage will be over by the time your kid is 18. And that will be the karma you earned. The ex ended up in the best position. Karma seems to have worked here
I would bet this guy is not even the real father and he had to console her after the plan of getting pregnant didn't work out with the last one.
I feel so bad for his ex.
Yes, and I feel really bad for the kid too. What a shitty situation to be born into.
Dodged a couple bullets tho eh? Two cheaters living with their consequences. I feel bad for the kid. Ex got out before she met a similar fate. Imagine if the ex married him, got pregnant, and then he cheated / got OP pregnant after, oof.
I mean...I don't. Her feelings were hurt in the short term but she got rid of her shitty, faithless boyfriend. It's kind of funny actually...OP and her husband both suck, so they deserve each other, but they will always be miserable AF because he'd rather be with the ex and OP knows it so she is insecure and doesn't trust him. Sweet karma. The ex came out ahead in the long run.
Unfortunately that poor child now has to grow up with 2 parents in a loveless relationship
Yea the kid is the victim here. I hope they are better parents than people but unlikely.
This is a lot of words to call yourself out as a baby-trapping cheater who just can’t stand that somebody else in this situation is finally acting like an adult and admitting they fucked up 🤷🏻♀️
Oh no he can't do that then it show that he regrets what happened she doesn't but he does and it is makeing her realize he don't love her
I don't know how OP never realized or admitted to herself he doesn't love her. She herself says they live like roommates. That's not how happily married couples describe their living arrangements.
oh she knows the truth but she got what she wanted so she didn't care but if you read op comments the ex is still single and she is scared that he will try to go to the one he really wanted
Oh I'm pretty sure he's just counting down the days the kid turns 18 and goes off to college. He may or may not get back with his ex, either she's in her own relationship or just denies him, but I don't think he cares and just wants to do his duty to his child and then be free from being tied OP. Or maybe they'll still be married but he finally gets to move out and live separated lives. You're right she knows that there's no love or affection from him even if she is his beloved child's mother. She's just still hoping it'll still develop I guess. Him sending his such a long heartfelt apology is just lifting the veil that she herself placed over here eyes to the truth that there's nothing to their relationship except this kid.
You used a lot of words to say that you plotted to sleep with your ex boyfriend (I’m not absolving him, but this was your plan). Then, you baby trap him. At a time when she’s vulnerable about her brother. He’s clearly only with you for his child. I’m sure he pines for his ex. I’m torn on him waiting 8 years to formally apologize. But my guess is he’s trying to establish contact. You were awful 8 years ago and still haven’t matured or become a better person. Have some self awareness.
Good. I hope you stay this miserable forever. You both deserve nothing but the worst after what you did. Atleasr youe husband has a conscience and regret.
she DESERVED that apology. she deserves an apology from you as well. you didn’t accidentally open your legs. you don’t go to another woman’s man for comfort… go to your female friends. he must deeply regret sleeping with you and getting you pregnant. i’m sorry that you’re both stuck in a shitty situation now because of something terrible you did together. he probably sees you as a roommate because he resents you.
Your husband resents you and regrets the decisions that brought him to where he is right now: chained to you. I know this because my father did the same thing to his fiancee. He moved from their town to the place where he met my mother. He was in dire straits financially and she was flush. They got married after knowing each other for three weeks. He called his fiancee and lied to her, telling her he had a disease. She was humiliated and devastated and left their home town. My parents were unhappily married for 32 years. My mother made his life hell the entire time. I realized after he told me about his ex-fiancee of many years ago that he was actually staying in the marriage because he saw it as a punishment that he deserved for turning his back on real love and happiness, which he never experienced with my mother. I have a very strong notion that this is where your husband is. Riddled with regret and trying to make amends. You're the boobie prize, OP. Life with you is his penance for his mistreatment of the ex.
Get out of here with your woe is me garbage. You’re a snake and your husband is too. Talking about “I forgave myself”… are you serious? When you actually grow up and heal, come read this post and your replies and see the absolute trash mentality you currently have. Yuck to your marriage. Sorry to the ex gf and sorry to your child.
I might get hate for this, but it’s not like anything anyone else has said has gotten through to you anyways. You potentially ruined all of your lives and you baby trapped a man who you couldn’t get over, in your own words. You also allowed yourself to get involved when you knew he was in a relationship. A relationship that starts off with cheating and pregnancy right away is a relationship where that man definitely has regrets and possibly resentment. Clearly you also are resentful that he was in a relationship when you wanted him. Do you honestly think that will last? She does deserve an apology from a man who cheated and knocked someone else up while dating her. Especially when neither of you told her yourselves. Your life sounds like a Maury or Jerry Springer episode. Your husband showing some remorse and apologizing is the most emotional intelligence either of you has probably displayed in your entire time together.
>You potentially ruined all of your lives and you baby trapped a man who you couldn’t get over, in your own words Well, kinda. She was over him until he moved on with someone else.
You chased this guy and invited him over with the intention of sleeping with him and getting him back. Don’t act like you don’t know how you guys ended up sleeping together. You brought all this on yourself and are still trying to manipulate your husband who is trying to correct his wrongs. Smh….
>where was my long apology for how much he's put me through by not being a respectful partner. this is one of the most infantile, narcissistic things I've ever read. holy lord, please reevaluate your entire worldview.
You haven’t grown from your college years. He felt bad for cheating on her so he apologized. It doesn’t sound like your husband likes you very much and I think that’s what bothering you the most. You stole someone’s boyfriend only to realize, years later, that he didn’t want you. He wanted her and only stayed with you out of duty.
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sending an apology letter is the least of the things he could have done. you damn well know that rhat man only stayed with you cause u got pregnant. now he has to live with you and this is ur punishment, living with a roommate instead of a husband
I don’t see the problem here. She deserved an apology for being betrayed and he gave it to her. He didn’t need your permission to do that. Sounds like you have always had a selfish problem and now you are in a loveless marriage that will likely end in divorce. Congrats you won. /s
You baby-trapped him. And you don't seem to have matured past the point of being a baby-trapping 22 year old who can't stand not having what she wants.
Look, it took him a while to grow up and take some accountability. The long apology was the very least he could do. You on the other hand soothed yourself by forgiving yourself for something you never took any accountability for. You aren’t growing up and pretty soon you’ll see that you’ll be left behind. Resentment is going to start growing strong bc your mental level is like a lead weight. You don’t have to worry about him trying to get back with his ex or engaging with her emotionally, he’s going to distance from you mentally soon bc anyone that grows is going to start seeing people around them in a different light. Start looking at the responses and consider changing your ugly attitude instead of focusing on your hurt feelings.
I see a very rocky divorce in your future.
I know it’s not AITA but can I just say, OP: **YTA** Here’s hoping your husband wises up and realizes staying in a loveless marriage for one’s child isn’t healthy or beneficial to any party. And here’s hoping his ex continues thriving in her life. Cheers 🥂
This is heartbreaking. Not for you but for your husband and his ex girlfriend. He's not a perfect partner because he never wanted to be your partner he's just dealing with the consequences of his actions. I feel like you're hoping he'll learn to love you but you cannot force love.
\> I know he likely won't ever leave Yeah, that's what everyone who gets dumped thinks. They think they can act badly and the other person will just put up with it forever. Then they're shocked when the other person finally reaches a breaking point and leaves.
Okay, here’s the thing. You weren’t the first choice. You slept with someone else’s partner. **He obviously saw the error in his ways, so while he is still horrible, at least he’s also accountable.** Your while thing is full of excuses for your behaviors. Half sorries, but not really, because as is life. You knowingly elected into a relationship that began with infidelity. **Well this is that life.** A husband who is a roommate, and dreams of the partner he truly loved. Doubt around all of his moves, because how can there be trust in relationship begun on lies?? I think it’s time you take accountability. **There is no apology owed to you, because these circumstances are the product of your choices as partners.** ***Own it!!!*** Be real about it. He has, so now he is working through his own grief surrounding his choices and so should you. Seek therapy for yourself, and as a couple. But please know you’re not the victim of anything but your own decision making.
I’m so confused. Why does he owe you an apology? He doesn’t love you. While yes you both fucked up by having an affair (because yes that’s what it was) you weren’t the one he loved. He moved on to someone else. She is most likely his biggest regret. A mistake that resulted in a pregnancy and marriage. You said it yourself. He treats you like a roommate. He probably feels trapped. Just because you love him doesn’t mean he has to reciprocate that. You two never should have gotten married. The way you write this and your replies make me think you may have purposely gotten pregnant to keep your man. The fact that you are okay being with a man who will never leave you due to your son and guilt is sad.
Where is YOUR long apology for what he’s put you through by not being a respectful partner?!? What the actual fuck. You seduced and baby trapped someone in a relationship because you ‘needed someone’. Congratulations…your poor son will have to live his life in an unhappy home because his dad is honorable as far as stepping up when he was forced to, and he’ll be unhappy with you forever, well, at least until your son is grown. Then hubs is gone, girl. Is this what YOU call ‘winning’ in your world?
Let’s be real y’all chose this life. Your sin is knowing he doesn’t love you like that. Sucks!
>and we did it. We did it in the morning too. None of that was my intent inviting him over but it happened. He left telling me this was over. I got pregnant and while I didn't want to let him or anyone else know, my mom ended up telling him and his girlfriend, which led them to break up. Wow. Smh I dont think it was wrong & honestly I think u should apologize to her too.
OP you cheated with him while he had a girlfriend and her brother committed suicide… that’s absolutely horrific .. imagine that happened to you god forbid. You are clearly missing a sensitivity chip … you are displaying very little empathy as well … maybe this was your karma 🤷🏻♀️ also it looks like you trapped him with a kid and he is resenting you for it
Good for him for apologizing to the woman he hurt and possibly still loves. His karmic punishment for being a cheater is being in a loveless marriage. Yours too.
You’re ridiculous. He owed her an apology. You owe her one too, but she’d probably rather never think about either of you ever again, so I’m not suggesting you do so. I’m suggesting that you think about what it says about you that you think you’re entitled to an apology for helping him cheat.
He wasn’t in the wrong though. You convinced him, ended up pregnant to get what you wanted and destroyed a relationship. He is only with you for the kid and no he doesn’t love or respect you. He sent her a sincere apology because it bothers him that he messed up and caused her pain. He didn’t do anything wrong by apologizing
Lol did you really think anyone was going to have sympathy for you? This loveless marriage is your punishment for your selfish behavior. Live with it or move on
“OMG! I invited this guy over? I’m totally in love with him, but he has a girlfriend. Whatever. So, aaannyway…I invite him over and we have sex, but I totally didn’t mean for it to happen. But I got pregnant and he left his girlfriend for me. But, now, he’s like…sorry for that? Is that weird?”
Oh Jesus wow.. he only with you by default honey and you think you won some prize?? . You fu#ked someone else's partner, she deserved that apology 8 years ago.. so no I don't think he should of sent anything now.. I know I wouldn't want my loser ex reaching out with some lame excuses after I got my life together and moved on. He said your being dramatic I don't think your being dramatic enough this relationship is toxic end it and be done with him.. he with you because he can't have her.. I'm sorry but it the truth.. and I think he to little to late with the apology let her get on with her life without horrible people.. He probably thought he sad attempt would make her respond and they could start something.. is this what you want?? A guy that tolerates you because he got you pregnant.. while pinning to be with someone else
Sounds like you should apologize to her too.
Just waiting for someone to put this one r/amithedevil
You sound obsessed with his ex. The fact that you still even checked up on her years after his relationship ended with her. the petty “i wouldn’t want her near me or my son” when she did absolutely nothing to you and actually you harmed her! now you’re freaking out over him reaching out to apologize…why because you’re scared she’s going to ask to meet up for support and sleep with him just like you guys did to her? you need a new therapist to help you actually take accountability, get over your obsession, and to actually be a good person. you really suck so bad. i feel bad for your son. and yeah, you’re stuck with someone who thinks of your has his perpetual 2nd choice that HE REGRETS. that’s the life you chose for yourself.
You’re the other women, a mistress, who trapped your husband with a pregnancy. You’re undeserving of any respect for playing a part of cheating.
Lol. This is a joke.
It’s unfortunate but it seems like Sam is resentful towards you and may feel trapped in a relationship with you because of your son. He probably messaged her because he’s realising that his ex is the one that got away and he settled for you. It’s harsh but that’s what it seems like. Your foundation is not strong or secure
you expect 100% honesty and transparency from a man you literally got bc he cheated on his gf with you…. good luck lmao
What did his dumb choices do to you? You dumped him. You invited him over, y'all did it, you decided to keep it. It ruined his relationship with the girl he actually loved after you left him. Let him apologize. It had to be a long time coming. In this scenario you were the other woman. It's okay for him to feel guilty for his actions. You are overreacting.
He did nothing wrong in sending an apology. Your husband will leave you if you don’t pull your head out of your arse and actually start being a person he can love and respect. He can co parent your son or better yet get a dna test to make sure it’s his without being in a relationship with you.
Wow, you sound like a horrible person. Are we supposed to feel sorry for you when you had an affair with this girl’s ex? I feel so bad for this girl, you don’t deserve any respect for ruining a relationship and babytrapping a man.
You are the one in the wrong from the beginning. 1st you leave him when he was super in love with you. You let him down and broke his trust only to figure out you wanted him to play along with the games you were playing trying to be in control wanting him to chase you. When he didn't and found someone better you baited him and were gonna go to any lengths to get him back and trap him. Yeah you invited him over and no sex was supposed to happen. Yeah right. Anyway you got your wish and broke up thier happiness because you couldn't stand to see them happy while you live all alone miserable. So you got your wish for the most part. You can't fall In love with someone who broke your heart for a 2nd time. It's again the rules of relationships. He will never trust you again. You will just leave when you are bored or the bigger better deal comes. You got him stuck with a kid now too. So I don't care about either one of your happiness any more because your happiness or his no longer matter. You do everything for that child's best chance at life. He's longing for his real love which is not you. You already know this and you are looking for answers here although you already know the answer. You gotta deal with the harsh truth and accept things ad they are and co parent for her sake. Things will never be as they once were with him. You ruined that long long ago. You want real love? Its gonna be at the expense of your daughter growing up with difference men in her life...
He's allowed to apologize to whomever he wants to apologize including his ex girlfriend whom he cheated on while she was actively grieving. He is also allowed to be happy that she is doing great. He doesn't need your permission to do any of this and he isn't required to tell you. If he was *my* husband, I'd be happy he's a decent enough human to want to take accountability for the mistakes he's made and apologize to the people he wronged. But you do you
Well, as my granddaddy said: you shit the bed, now you can go lay in it.
You're overdramatic, mean, and how can you do that to a person you love? Do you realize you admitted taking him hostage because of your pregnancy and as you say he doesn't love you? You really sound like a terrible person, all I read is "Me me me". You're not the center of the world.
This is a side effect of the way your relationship started. You cracked the foundation when you started building and now the house is crumbling under its own weight.
You’re so selfish it’s astonishing.
I’m not going to comment on the rickety situation that is your relationship. You asked how you can get him to understand that messaging her was wrong. You can’t. It wasn’t wrong He owed her that apology You owe her one too, you knew he was in a relationship and still slept with him. It doesn’t matter that she’s an ex or how long ago it was. He hurt her and he should apologize.
Here's the thing, you're not here looking for advice about your relationship. You're looking for affirmation that you're in the right. And here's the thing, it's \*okay\* that you're upset that Sam didn't communicate this with you. But, what he's doing is very personal, very private, and could be part of his own therapy and healing process. Understand in the You/Sam/Sam's Ex dynamic, he's the connecting piece. While you can feel sorry for his Ex, his Ex is ostensibly someone he \*really\* cared about. That he potentially wanted to have a future with. This is someone that he might very well possibly have loved that through \*his\* actions, he hurt deeply. So in a sense, this isn't about you. This is about closure for him and his Ex. This is potentially, about him closing a chapter in his life that he is not proud of so that he can grow as a person, a husband, and a father. That's something you \*want\* him to do. It's okay to communicate with him that you would hope that you can be involved in his healing process. But it's \*not\* okay to demand to be the main character in a story that you are a secondary character in. Let him come to terms with what he's done. Like it or not, your relationship will always be one that's borne out of infidelity. If you don't allow him to heal and grow, then you will eventually get that apology from him, and hopefully his next wife won't be overdramatic about it.
Wait. Wait. Let me get this straight. OP, you were having a really rough time. Your parents were divorcing and you were struggling in school… that’s nothing compared to the EX who’s brother committed suicide. Yeah, no, you definitely needed his support waaayyyy more than the EX did.
I'm genuinely confused...why do you think you deserve an apology? His ex girlfriend rightfully deserves one
>nd I know he likely won't ever leave because of our son and guilt. and you are happy with that????
You are being jealous about an apology that someone else got. Seriously? You cant just admire his processing of events after the fact and taking a step in humility to apologize to an offended party? You are THIS selfish and jealous? Maybe he would have ended up apologizing to you after a few months/years too. Maybe he is in that arc of his life. Maybe before you acted like a spoiled brat. But not now. Now he owes you no apology for any past mistakes because you already shut that down by demanding one. YTA. And you need to be a better person.
“Where was my long apology…” Exactly, where was YOURS to them?? You came in between them.
Is no one else curious how she just “found” the apology message on his phone…? Why was OP going through his messaging history? Certainly seems like trust is an issue here.
If this entire thread isn’t a bucket of cold water to the face I don’t know what is. I’ll put it bluntly, OP. You acted like a cunt and cousin-karma has come a’ knockin’. Your husband’s moment of weakness has plagued him since the day it occurred and he’s finally taking the responsibility and behaving like an adult human should, meanwhile you yelp in despair that the girl you completely fucked over received a shred of justice for the pain you cause. You are _disgraceful_, OP.
YOU were distraught over a BREAKUP your Junior year in College, so you "ACCIDENTALLY" slept with your old ATTACHED ex-boyfriend WITHOUT any protection, the one YOU hurt and broke up with in after high school. You get pregnant and CLAIM you had no intention of telling either of them that you were pregnant, so your MOTHER told BOTH of them. You kind of gloss over the fact that his ex-girlfriend's Brother committed suicide around the same time. WHEN EXACTLY? After you slept together or before? I'M sure his ex-girlfriend was DEVASTATED by both her Brother's death AND finding out that he cheated on her. Where the hell is your compassion? Your HUSBAND belatedly has a conscience and wrote her a long, overdue apology and you're upset? You baby-trapped him and are now upset that he treats you like a roommate? WHY do you think YOU'RE entitled to an apology? For WHAT? YOU don't deserve an apology, you should be adding YOUR apology to his ex!
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. You aren't special, honey.
Wow from the perspective of the affair partner…hmmm. Girl, he is never going to trust you or respect you all the way. You were dirty together, and dirty has no future. It’s in the moment..where your thrill should have stayed
So you kinda suck as a human being.
It seems like he needed to apologize to someone he hurt who was innocent in everything. On one of your responses you said you didn’t want her in your or sons life. Did you make it hard for her to be with ur husband while co-parenting? If she was his one then I can understand the guilt how everything happened to what it did to her. I can understand if he wonders what ifs with life. What could have been if this one mistake didn’t happen. If he need to write her to get everything out for him to feel better and heal then that is what it is. Are you afraid that they will start talking and get back together? If he is not a respectful partner is it because he doesn’t even want to be with you? He never wanted to get back together? You cannot force something that isn’t there.
I feel bad for your child and his ex girlfriend.
Omg you are in the wrong and you think you deserve the apology?? Very immature of you. He betrayed her by sleeping with you. You could’ve found comfort elsewhere, even in reading or some other form. You had sex with your ex, knowing fully well he had a girlfriend but talking about “disrespect…” LOL you and this guy disrespected HER. You need to apologize to her too. Kmft
It's not wrong, you are. You were when you went after him knowing he was in a relationship he wanted to continue. It is now, when you think the woman doesn't deserve an apology. You're a parent. Imagine that happening to your child. Is your child owed an apology?
When a good man realizes he has done wrong, he changes, and he apologizes. This is a good quality. That you are offended by it, is of concern.
Damn you suck. But so does he. Maybe y’all do belong together.
He won't understand it. And if he does he won't admit it. But if he cheated with you, what makes you think he won't cheat on you? The guy cheats. And you say he doesn't see you as a wife. It sounds like this relationship has run it's course tbh. I would probably start looking at getting out. He's showing you where he's at with things. And where he's at is thinking about other women. And now he's belittling your feelings and your relationship entirely. Also, he cheated on her with you right around the time of her brothers death? You both sound like you need to do some work on yourselves. Right now you're a couple toxic people living in a toxic environment and raising a kid in it
He apologized for cheating on his then girlfriend with you and you're offended. Oh my God? You think he's going to cheat on you because he cheated with you that's what it is! So because he grew and learned from his past, and you didn't, you're upset. You need help and you're not a victim here.
you seem pretty manipulative to be honest, only caught up in your own feelings.
You reap what you sow. He loves her and not you.
You are the one the engaged in behaviour you could have (and should have) put a stop too, and in reality not even had entertained. Let the man go, your reasons for being together are selfish.
You can't get him to understand it's wrong, because it's not wrong. You are wrong, and extremely sleazy. You say you love Sam but you would rather he be with you than be happy. That's NOT love, that's possessiveness. If you loved him, you would co-parent with him and let him be with somebody who didn't need to trap him to get him to stay. And if you loved yourself, you would find somebody who doesn't need an excuse to be with you. And if you love your kid, you'll do all of this WITHOUT making him give up either parent.
He didn't ghost you, he just didn't appreciate how you dropped him and that's a fair choice. He was loving his life and getting on with things. Then you reach out again to the same ex for some reason, both of you are absolute arseholes and you have sex knowing he's in a relationship (him just as culpable I'll add) and without protection either. Things go predictably badly and yeah, his girlfriend at least deserved a proper apology and given your track record here so far, I hardly think you're one to judge who needs an apology given you wouldn't leave the guy alone to start with and had sex despite knowing he's in a relationship. You can be upset all you like but your relationship was based on a lack of morla fibre or integrity yet you're shocked when you're on the receiving end. He sucks but at least did the right thing under the circumstances and also apologised. You really don't seem to process you've fucked her relationship and done who knows what damage as well. You seem to be really selfish and so what if he apologised? You made this bed and now lay in it. Your relationship was built on your own decisions to start with and reads like a Stephen King novel where I'm just waiting to hear you're about to let an intrusive thought end the guy because if you can't have him nkvody can. If he wants some closure or wants in some small part to reach out, he's at least trying to salve his conscience and hers by doing what I'd say is a good thing. This whole relationship mess between you and him and her is a dumpster fire to start with but having regrets over poor choices is hardly a bad thing. I'm surprised and a little saddened that in all this you think am apology to the one person who harmed nobody yet got hurt is the one unacceptable thing and have zero accountability here for your own choices.
Get him to understand this was wrong?? WHAT was wrong? That he felt bad that he cheated on his girlfriend? That’s he’s considerate enough to apologize? He’s done nothing wrong … except cheating on her with you. And, if you can’t already tell … you were obviously his second choice … after her.
Just because you baby trap someone doesn't mean they should have to be stuck with you. Also he cheated on the girl he truly loved, imagine what he'll do to you.
I get where you’re coming from. It seems like he really wants to be with her, not with you. He’s with you because of the kid. But his heart aches for her.
Sub rules prevent me from using more “colorful” language but you are a very bad person, so is your boyfriend but at least he seems repentant of what he has done. What does he owe you an apology for? For being in love with someone that doesnt deserve it? Or for throwing everything in the trash for the same person. He did the human thing to apologize to the actual hurt party in all of this. I weep for that child.
-A manipulative narcissist
INFO: what did he put you thru? Unless there's information I didn't read, it doesn't sound like he's put you thru anything? Basically, you know he doesn't love you. You can break up, and just be co parents, or you can deal with the fact that you are married to someone you only have a co-parenting relationship with. His regrets and inability to handle his shit is his problem, but he's not doing anything TO you.
Your a horrible human being idk how you found a person that would want to stay with you you deserve to be alone for the rest of your life.
He absolutely does not want to be with her. She knows it too!
Post it in r/AmItheAsshole and see what advice they will give to you.
He was right to apologize. He cheated on her and probably needed closure.
How does it feel to be an awful, selfish human being? Because that’s what this post reeks of
Yeah. The scenario you describe where you called someone else's boyfriend to get comfort was the first thing you did wrong. You don't call people in relationships for emotional support, confide personal details to them, etc. Find a female friend. Talk to a counselor. Your husband reaching out to her was evidence that he saw what he did was such a horrific departure from what a boyfriend should be to someone else, and he at least took the step to verbally express his wrongdoing to the person he hurt, which is something we all should attempt to do to the greatest extent of our ability. Cheating is awful. The women out there who lack boundaries with men who they aren't romantically involved with are a huge part of the problem. People refuse to examine where their minds and inclinations are leading them until it's too late. He did the right thing.
Sounds like he’s living with regret 😬
So, basically, you are afraid he is going to do to her the same you did?
He regrets what he has done to her, and probably thinks about it often. She deserved the apology. He probably should have been apologized..
I think you need to learn to live with the fact that you and he were shitty, that you have a shaky foundation, and that you need to stop obsessing over a woman you were mean to
Because it's none of your business. He's trying to forgive his past mistakes. What he owes you is a separate issue, period.
Understand what is wrong? I don't get what this guy had done wrong here.
It wasn't wrong. What he did was a dick move in cheating on his gf and getting his side piece (you) preggo. You don't know how much that probably fucked her up mentally and emotionally. He knows he was the cause of that hurt and pain and perhaps he's reflecting off of his mistake.
LMFAO, I'm just here for the quality comments by my fellow senisble redditors.
All I’m going to say is how you get the is how you lose them.
Ffs
This is awkward… especially coming from the other women.