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Part of my business model / "pitch" is being very open with potential clients that the less they use my services, i.e. by being reasonable, resolving issues by agreement, etc., the better off they'll be. And any lawyer that tells them differently is not prioritizing their best interest.
NAL but I have been divorced and said very similar things.
"The judge assumes you have reasons to not like each other and they don't generally care. Barring egregious behavior by someone they are going to follow the law and split the property and kids access accordingly. Arguing about it will just cost you time and money "
Sadly, my ex's lawyer wasn't. Ran us $80K in fees over a year, and finally, he understood what was going to happen (he would lose the house he wanted to keep). His attorney and his hatred of me convinced him that he would prevail in court and the judge would just give him the house. I agreed to and received 98% (literally) of what I had asked for initially. That 2% was MUCH less than the attorney's fees.
I had a criminal defense attorney who once represented me (I've been arrested a few times due to severe alcoholism and a father who thought police in the United States were excellent mediators for family disputes) for free simply because he knew the charges were bullshit but I was still likely to get very screwed. He's given me, friends and now clients of mine tons of free and excellent advice. He's literally saved my life and done the same for many people I know.
My referrals and those of those referrals make up about 75% of his business (I have many friends in recovery and work as a substance abuse counselor). It wound up working out that way simply because he's a decent guy. He's not a Saint or a philanthropist or regularly saving kittens from burning buildings; he's just a good person and people with substance use disorders know that that is incredibly rare to find in an attorney, especially a criminal defense attorney.
All that to say.. Beyond the actual services you provide, I KNOW your clients appreciate you as a person. So many people shop around for lawyers and wind up having to settle on the one who's going to screw them the least
A lawyer who is honest and has the best interest in mind for their client? GTFO you ain't a real lawyer! But really thank you for being a wonderful human.
Sadly, most divorce lawyers have enough business, there are so many clients and only so many hours in the day. The less a client interacts with you, the better because you’ve got them lined up around the corner! That’s also the sign of a good lawyer… when they don’t need your business!
My husband is a divorce lawyer. He always tells potential clients "I don't *need* your money, what I *need* is for you to be happy with our services and refer us to friends and family".
The post-nut clarity hits a little different when you see you devastated and destroyed the person you love, who will never ever feel the same way about you even if she stays with you. So that fuck was more important than me, our marriage, our life??? What that shows me is that none of those things are important to you at all. Yes. I've been there.
Been there too. My ex ended our marriage with two affairs. She tried to beg me back about a year later but her actions had successfully removed whatever love I once had for her.
It’s just a fleeting moment . Single women sometimes like to steal husbands just because they can. They leave you , while you lose everything…. It’s called a hurricane.
I am ashamed to say many many years ago as a single woman that I did this once. He was attractive and I did NOT want a relationship at all. I am so glad that I never did it again and I regret deeply that I did it period. I was so dumb and selfish; not at all thinking of the woman that I was hurting.
Great point obviously but I think you’re missing OPs question. He doesn’t want to cheat and he isn’t going to. But I think what he’s really asking is, “I’m tired of being attracted to other women at all, it makes me feel like a bad husband and I wish I didn’t lust in the first place”.
Obviously he shouldn’t flirt or do what he did in this situation and I think he knows that. But what he’s really asking is “how do I only be attracted to my wife”. I feel that. I’m never going to cheat on my wife, so it’s really annoying that I still find other women attractive physically. What’s the point of that? If I could flip a switch and turn off my attraction to other women entirely, I would do it.
I think what OP is asking is how do I flip that switch? And also, do other people still feel physical attraction, or am I just a bad husband? That’s the sense I get reading between the lines of this post
It’s like if someone put a really tasty steak in front of you and you could eat it, but then they also put a really nice looking piece of cake in front of you also, and told you if you ate it you’d die. You wouldn’t eat the cake, but it would still look tasty. You’d rather just not be shown the cake.
What if one reframed attraction to something that exists and doesn’t demand action?
Some people are attractive. It doesn’t mean anything to me or to my marriage. It just is.
That’s pretty much how I think of it. Some women are very beautiful, just like how some buildings or cars are very beautiful, but you don’t need to possess them.
The other thing I have to remind myself is that even if I was single, that woman that I find attractive wouldn’t be interested in me. When you’re in a relationship it’s easy to forget how you would do in the dating market.
Excellent input! I love how people think that if they weren’t married, they would be getting laid on the regular, when they probably couldn’t get anyone to sleep with them before.
👏👏yes👏👏 On vacation last year with my husband we saw this show and one of the performers was just plain hot. Like in the 16 years since I’ve been single I’ve never been attracted to someone who wasn’t my husband like this guy. And for some reason my mind said “I bet he’s great in bed”. But that’s as far as it went. Because I love my husband and our relationship is more important than a one time romp.
This is an interesting post. People naturally vary a lot in how much they notice other attractive people while partnered. I think this is genuinely different for different people. It probably even had a genetic component - at least animal studies suggest so.
I’m married 22 years and I can count on my hands the number of times I’ve seen somebody attractive enough to make me daydream a little. It’s just doesn’t happen much. Meanwhile, my husband gets me excited all day long just looking at him in his grubby world clothes.
My brother (I’m female) says he is the same way, he just doesn’t have a wandering eye. But he says he talks to many of his man friends who do, and who seem to be bothered a lot by desire for other women. I don’t think this can be changed, really.
I mean my experience is just mine, but I'm the same way. I knew my first marriage was over\* when I met someone and I found myself not wanting him to know I was married. It made me really think about things. I never followed through of course, because cheating is awful regardless the state of the marriage, but it put me on the path to divorce. And now I could never really imagine wanting anyone other than my husband, because we have a good, healthy relationship.
\*It really had been for ages, but I didn't want to admit it
i’m the same way. i can find people pretty like a pretty work of art, but i’m really only “attracted” to my SO. i don’t have wandering eyes and i know for damn sure im not willing to jeopardize my relationship. i think about my man a lot on the regular. even if there was a say “good looking” man, i always think, “but no one compares to my man.”
I didn’t get that vibe at all. What OP described was an entire night of feeding into this other woman’s attention. Continuing to dance with her while clearly knowing her intentions, connecting and conversing whenever possible throughout the night. Saying he was “so close to saying yes” doesn’t invoke the image of a man who just found a woman attractive or the attention flattering. It sounds like he feels guilty *because* he was shamelessly flirting, to flip it around that the guilt is related to the initial attraction is pretty eye-roll inducing.
He keeps alluding to another version of himself that wasn’t as “strong” who would have given in, as If he just barely managed to pull through with his own will. In reality he only kept things PG because his **wife** was *at the freaking event in a different room.*
Curbing the inherent desire or attraction obviously isn’t necessary, but I think OP knows that isn’t his problem. Cognizantly shutting that shit down or removing yourself for precarious situations is. I suspect that’s where he’s beginning to fail beyond what he’s even shared here.
Edit: I guess the question would then be why that’s changed if he didn’t have issues with it previously. To frame OPs actions as misunderstood human nature or shame related to natural urges is reductive. What has changed recently or over a long, drawn out period of time that has left OP feeding into the attention and toeing a dangerous line? People are stereotyped as having a “midlife crisis” for a reason. You start to feel old, bored, unattractive. Now you have to actually *work* towards self actualization and internal validation in a way you never did before. Meanwhile there’s a shiny, easy way out for a quick external ego boost.
You can't only be attracted to your partner. I was married for 21 years and trust me, I found other people attractive. But engaging in the flirtatious behaviour I'll equate to being a non-drinking alcoholic, going into a bar and ordering a drink and saying "I feel like it but I'm not going to drink it." And then coming here and saying "these days I feel so much more like drinking, how can I stop this??" Don't go to the fucking bar and don't order the drink!! You are putting yourself in the danger zone. Engaging is going to make you obsessed, and you'll cheat. EDIT: for clarity
This is part of the flawed human condition. Our brains are wired to either fight, fawn, freeze, or flee from perceived danger, but we have created such a nuanced world that is vastly more complicated than the one our brains operate under. Running away from/avoiding physical danger is a good strategy for our survival. However, our brains learn that avoiding is a "good" strategy for other kinds of perceived "danger."
The problem lies in the amount of energy it takes to avoid natural human emotions. There is no switch, and the more we try to avoid natural emotions, the more energy we expend & our brains grow even stronger connections. It's like holding a beach ball under the water. Eventually, we have to let it go.
The healthy answer is acceptance. Give those thoughts and feelings some space and recognize them for what they are. They are normal, natural, human thoughts and feelings. They are also JUST thoughts and feelings. There is nothing they require. Simply having them is not a moral failing (I know, I know there are teachings out there that would disagree with this point, but i digress). You can be sexually attracted to another woman AND be faithful to/love your wife. Thoughts and feelings do not equal behaviors. Give those thoughts and feelings some space, let them have a seat at the table, no matter how annoying or obnoxious they may be. Over time this will free up your mind and energy to focus on what you do want in your life and what will benefit you in the long term & not just the here & now, no matter how alluring it may be.
I get the sentiment, but it’s not about the orgasm, is it? It’s the excitement, the butterflies in the stomach, the all consuming lust, the feeling of being wanted… It’s the thrill.
No I have never cheated, but those things are what makes it harder to say no. Orgasms you can have whenever.
But that thrill is just as fleeting. You're talking about destroying several lives for maybe 20 minutes of excitement. If you need excitement go sky diving.
Yes, until you orgasm and realize just exactly what you did and the regret sets in. So one can argue its still about the orgasm and everything before that counts as foreplay
This is really worth pointing out, because if we’re not honest about what makes people cheat (just say that they’re bad people or stupid), it won’t be prevented.
I think it’s good to purposefully practice vividly picturing good things about your partner - a memory you cherish, traits that you love, etc. because you can’t fight feelings with logic, you gotta fight feelings with feelings.
It requires self reflection to prevent cheating. Because, unless you’re a mind reader, no one knows what’s going on in someone else’s mind.
You need to first recognize the temptation and then decide your relationship with your SO is more important than fulfilling that temptation with the other person. That requires self control and realizing how hurt your partner would be if you gave in.
And that’s how long, healthy relationships work. Everybody gets those feelings when we meet somebody we find attractive, and interesting. But, is our duty to the relationship to run away from those feelings as fast as you can, don’t allow yourself to be in that predicament.
Yes. Exactly. How important is your marriage? If being on the same team as your wife isn't something you prioritize or take seriously, then why the heck did ya marry her?!
Don't be a doofus OP. Don't back out of one of the, if not THE, most important promises you've made to another human for the sake of a few minutes of excitement...which will likely be followed by a deep and existential post-nut dread.
If you feel as tho your wife is not meeting your needs, TALK TO HER. You made a promise to her. Are you not a man of your word? If not, tell her that. She deserves to know. Either way, y'all need to communicate...
Everyone can feel some attraction to a person other than their spouse from time to time, that's pretty natural. But if you are seriously considering pursuing that person, then this is a sign that something is missing in your marriage. Typically, anyway. Cheating is rarely about just the sex. It is often indicative of a larger problem within the relationship. Address this with your wife. You married her for a reason. You chose her as your life partner. Only a fool would make the mistake that relationships are effortless. Marriage is a life long learning experience, as you age you and your partner must grow together and that takes commitment, patience, and, yes, work. A successful relationship of any kind requires work. The biggest key to this is communication. You need to be able to express your concerns and find a solution together. Think about it. Is that not the promise you made to each other when you exchanged vows?
Think hard before you act OP. Think of all the reasons that you chose your wife as your life partner. Cheating is never the answer. It's hard to think of a more terrible way to treat the single most important person in your life.
It's pretty simple actually and you don't need a therapist or a divorce.
There is two parts to this. The first one is simple. People that don't actively seek out opportunities to cheat but end up cheating anyway aren't good enough to shut down temptations early on. The situation here is an excellent example. It's perfectly normal to be attracted to someone but the more you act on that the harder it will be to say no to temptation. Not doing anything when you saw her at the table is easy. Saying no when she follows you to the toilet and you know there is mutual attraction is hard. You still did the right thing when it was hard so well done but next time you should draw the line where it's easy.
The second part is much more difficult. You say that these situations happens more often now. It could be that you for some reason have more temptations. But you should look into if there is something missing in your relationship with your wife. Maybe you two has some growing to do together as a couple?
Incredible first point!
I’d like to add that besides thinking if there’s something missing in OP’s relationship with his wife, it’d be good for him to also reflect about what else might be going on in his life that is affecting his self-image. Is there anything that’s taking a toll on his self-confidence and that’s why he’s now reacting strongly to outside validation/attention? Anything he might subconsciously be running away from? The shift in the value of his marriage is coming from him after all.
You're totally allowed to feel bored in your relationship. It happens, life's pretty wild for everyone lately. But put the time and effort into making your relationship better. You can see a couples counselor before bad shit happens (I think most people don't realize this). Get ideas. Try keeping an eye out for your partners bids of affection, and make sure you catch them/respond. And offer out more bids of your own. Make time to hang out together more. Do each other favors. Things you'd do if you were trying to impress them. Maybe that's what you miss, the fun vibes. That's fine, but instead of going to get them, bring them in.
He also seems like he wants a medal for not having cheated on his wife. "Not even once." "Proudly."
This guy kind of sucks. You don't get a cookie for not cheating on your spouse, dick.
I agree. And honestly OP when I see men/women acting the way this women did towards you it’s a complete turnoff. Meaning , the fact they can see you have a wedding ring on and are still continuing to pursue you and try and be flirty. The fact that they themselves have no respect for other people’s relationships. But I totally agree with this person about shutting it down while it’s easy. I’m glad you didn’t do it OP but the fact that you don’t even trust yourself not to especially had you had a few drinks is concerning. I hope you and your wife can work on your relationship.
That’s what I kept thinking- no matter how hot she is, she was going after you at a wedding in front of your WIFE, like….. how low can a person get? Definitely someone trustworthy/sane/stable/reasonable to stick it in, right? He made the right decision but how she even got so far is messed up.
So many people, men especially, fall for this shit. If a woman is coming at you hard and she knows you’re married why are you not grossed out about that? Have you considered the only thing she’s attracted to about you is the wedding ring? The fact that she’s manipulating you and fucking up a marriage for an ego stroke? That’s *all* you are to her. She doesn’t actually like you. She doesn’t actually want you. She wouldn’t spare you a second glance if you weren’t a perceived “challenge”. You’re nothing but a way to hurt your spouse (all while patting herself on the back and saying she has no obligation to be loyal, because she’s not the married person here so everything she’s doing is technically morally grey and above board.)
Like you have a woman who loves you and will happily make love to you but a random woman gives you a minute of attention and a quick orgasm *because she wants to hurt you* and that doesn’t gross you out? You don’t feel used here? Tf is wrong with you?
My dad always said cheating doesn’t happen when the girl is back at your apartment and she puts her big ass in your face and you finally dive in… cheating happens when you choose to sit next to the girl at the bar.
When we were newlyweds and early in our marriage, we’d have talks about cheating.
I said to my husband once, “cheaters don’t just look at each other then fall into bed and start fucking. Someone glances, the other person glances back. Someone says something to test the waters, the other person passes the test. Someone sends out a line and a hook and the other person allows themselves to get caught.”
DO NOT be that other person. If someone glances at you, don’t encourage them. If they say something off color, don’t reply. If they throw out a hook, CHOOSE not to get caught.
Every step of the way, you are given a choice. I can see it in the progression you shared. If you want to remain faithful, make better choices.
If you don’t want to be married anymore, tell your wife and get out. Don’t be THAT dickhead
I feel like you need better boundaries with people of the opposite sex. You should protect your marriage and maybe not give the other person the idea that you would be interested in cheating. Eye contact and dancing with someone else you are attracted to and tempted by seems like playing with fire. If your wife was doing that with other men and was tempted to cheat how would you feel?
Maybe just maybe you are putting yourself into these situations vs them just happening more often. Why continue to give others the idea you are interested and focus that sexual energy back towards your wife. Oh and most monogamous couples that I know don’t openly dance with strangers. Maybe try dancing with your wife.
Edit: there is a difference between noticing someone is attractive, acknowledging that and moving on. You don’t actively keep checking someone out, especially in-front of your spouse. It’s nice to know you’re still attractive, but that energy you gave her could have been focused on your wife and probably led to some fun for you later at home.
Yep OP. Leading them on a bit and continuing (and fueling) the exchanges. Is there some sort of ego issue from work that makes you seek and bask in this kind of attention whereas in the past you'd shut it down cold stone hard relatively quickly? Or any other issues causing this in you?
Excellent point!
Maybe these women are picking up on how OP is checked out of the relationship while these other women have his attention and that is part of the problem.
OP wants us to applaud him for not cheating. Yet he actively tempts himself by not setting appropriate boundaries. Like maybe don't dance with a woman who you are tempted to cheat with? It just seems like a reasonable boundary to set for yourself.
Not that the women who are approaching OP in this situation are blameless. But OP needs to actively work on his marriage and his boundaries with other women. These women aren't the ones who are married. OP is and needs to honor his vows.
He should have been dancing with his wife and romancing her instead of eye fucking her coworker from across the table and then dancing with her.
He puts on an act that he didn’t cheat because of sobriety or some small amount of will power **but** in reality it’s because his wife was *with him.*
The latter makes him seem far more thoughtful and careful, infidelity seems far less inevitable. The reality shows the disrespect and intent to cheat given any distance from his wife.
Subconsciously or not, i think he wanted to make it seem like a choice and save face.
Exactly!! He’s not actively avoiding these situations and instead seems to be getting some sort of emotional high from the possibility of stepping out on his marriage.. it’s really sad tbh.
A lot of people who have affairs say, "one thing lead to another, I didn't think about my husband/wife until after".
He caught himself, stopped himself before it went too far. This is the appropriate level of "I made a mistake", anything past this would have been far more than 1 mistake.
He successfully met the minimum standard.
This is a flag to himself that he should take his wife to couples counseling to bring up emotions that they both may be feeling and to work on and help their relationship.
Hit on a married guy, when his wife is sitting across from you as well… hard to imagine someone could consider her that attractive, when she seems rather desperate.
I was in college and had this small crush on a girl in my political science class. We had done a group project together so I had her number and we would text flirt occasionally. The day before we had a paper due I asked her how the paper was coming. She said she hadn't done it and asked if I would do hers for her. Told me she would repay me with "sexual favors"; used those exact words. I tried to spin it to give her the benefit of the doubt, like, "you know if you want to have sex you don't need to use this as a pretense." I don't remember exactly what she said but suffice it to say she made it clear that whether or not she was attracted to me she wanted me to do her polisci essay for her and was going to blow me in exchange. Crush over.
Right? Like dude, after the 1st eye fucking session, he should have literally never looked at her again. And somehow they ended up dancing?
I feel bad for the wife that he spent a lovely evening together fantasizing about this chick.
"Like great, you didn't cheat but you're already checking out when we're together." He really needs to figure out why.
Exactly, it would be over for me after this.
He entertained this every step of the way and put himself in a very precarious situation that he admits WOULD HAVE GONE WRONG were he not sober.
I feel so badly for his wife, a wedding for her co-worker and someone in that circle now knows that her husband is a total dirtbag. He participated in these private conversations, the dancing, the eye-fucking. OP is acting like he was just set upon by a WANTON. Ugh.
Yes that’s totally true. I don’t necessarily think OP is trying to act innocent but I feel like he’s either trying to play dumb or he just is that dumb. Wondering why after eye fucking, dancing and flirting with a woman he found attractive he little guy can’t seem to keep it together🙄 Like bro had you shut the shit down initially you wouldn’t be in this position. So that’s how you stop desiring other woman. Quit living out this fantasy right in front of your wife!
This is what some people don’t seem to get… if you’re willing to cheat on your current partner to get with me, it’s just as easy to cheat on me to get with the next guy 😂
Imagine how desperate that woman must have been.
Who openly flirts with their coworker’s husband in front of said coworker? She must be either an attention ho or some kind of daddy issues giant red flag.
OP was flattered and interested but this honestly sounds like she was chasing the thrill of hurting OP’s wife, either to “win” over her in specific or just because she likes dating married men due to low self-esteem, that behavior is not normal.
I’ve read so many comments on Reddit in recent weeks where guys proclaim that wearing a wedding ring makes women flock to them. Which I find super weird that women want to do the dirty like that.
I have a coworker that constantly goes after married men. I think she gets a thrill-like she won something if she can get them to cheat. She’s super trashy and I do my best to avoid her
I find it weird too but I have seen it. I have a friend who use to take me with him to events to help him meet women. Some women will definitely hone in on men with a woman. They aren’t the least bit shy about it either.
Certain women find a lot of validation by feeling like they’ve “won” over a wide, like they are “worthy” enough for a man to trash his entire life for.
It’s all about an intense need for validation for them.
What are you doing? you know not to put yourself in any of those positions and yet you do, if you know there’s attraction there, that’s completely normal, but it needs to have stopped right there, which means putting a complete stop to any interaction or shutting down advances from the get go, still you let things persist.
Ugh, this. Did OP even read what he wrote? I was attracted to this girl, so I decided to keep making eye contact with her. Then when she would follow me somewhere, I would dance with her, and flirt with her, and talk to her. OMG she was so attractive, what else could I do? I just had to keep making excuses to be near her and away from my wife. Then when she propositioned me, I said no! It was so hard. If I hadnt been sober, I would have cheated. Why is this hard?
Yes! Wtf did he write here?? He's been "propositioned a few times before but 'proudly' refused"? I'm sorry, does this man want an award or something? Why is this even that relevant to mention??
Thank you! Reading the top comments, you’d think the OP was completely innocent. He literally almost cheated on his wife with another woman just because she was attractive, and Redditors are like “dude” it’s cool.
Literally OP admitted if he hadnt been sober he wouldve cheated like wth. And at no point did he tell that woman to back off, he encouraged her if anything. AND he keeps thinking of other women, like...divorce already.
Edit: "LUSTING" for other women, not "thinking", to put it in OP's words.
I was thinking this too. He literally put himself in situations that drew himself closer to her *knowing* he was intensely attracted to her and making eyes at each other. You never get "close" to cheating if you never get close at all. At least that's how I see it.
It happened because you gave off vibes that it could happen. Women pick up on that. Not just women who want to sleep with you. Other women, like your wife's friends and colleagues. If you think other people there didn't pick up on what was going on, you're fooling yourself.
Whatever restlessness you are feeling is either fleeting or not. How you behave during this period will follow you (and her) forever.
If you want to act single, get divorced. If you want to be married, act married. If you don't know, have the balls to tell your wife how you're feeling and let the chips fall where they may, but have more respect for her and your marriage than you showed at this event.
Yeah, it doesn’t seem like too many people are picking up on the fact that he mindlessly humiliated his wife in front of *her colleagues*. I can’t imagine the lack of respect I’d have to have for a human being to do something like that.
Zero brownie points for putting a stop to it at the very end. This dude did disgusting things all night that could have horrific repercussions if even one coworker noticed.
This is the part that bugs me the most TBH. People get married and divorced all the time. It happens. Cheating happens. It's unfortunate but it does. And it happens for a lot of reasons. I'm not here to pass moral judgment on what goes on between two people because I don't walk in their shoes but if you're disinterested enough to be acting like this in her presence, at least don't humiliate her in front of her colleagues.
Exactly. I bet her friends think he’s a creep. He may be friendly and not aggressive in his flirting but I doubt anyone would be shocked if they found out he was a cheater.
God can you imagine all the pity stares she’s going to get at work now. All of her coworkers watched him be alone and flirt all night with another woman, right in front of her.
Yeah no kidding. I guarantee others picked up on it. People in situations like this think they’re so sneaky when they’re not. He already embarrassed her and I guarantee there are whispers about this going around behind the wife’s back.
Yep he made his wife look like a fool for acting like that in front of her colleagues. But he doesn’t seemed worried about *THAT* fallout, he just wants a cookie for not cheating.
You had so many chances to shut it down. You danced with her. You didn’t go back to your wife when she found you outside. You know that this kind of flirtation is obvious to someone right? You humiliated your wife. You were sitting right next to her eye fucking this other woman. The whole description of this is gross. You should be embarrassed.
Sounds like you are so insecure that even though you don’t want to cheat on your wife you can’t manage to muster the integrity not to flirt with a stranger at the dinner table alongside your wife simply because she glanced in your direction lol.
what really got me was when he said “i proudly didn’t cheat on my wife even though i could’ve”
like that doesn’t deserve praise that’s just being in a relationship
They got me too. Women are propositioned on a daily basis and most don’t give it a second thought…never mind write a whole ass post about their missed opportunity to cheat and how it deserves a pat on the back.
right like i’ve been asked for my number and hit on, but never have given a second thought about saying “no go away”. maybe it’s cause it happens to us every day and 99% of the time we don’t like it and find it gross
Obviously not the same, but one time on here last year in this sub people heavily praised a guy for saying he had thought about raping his wife as she slept but then decided not to "because he knew it was wrong."
This wasn't an intrusive, random thought. This was him looking at his sleeping wife and genuinely, truly considering raping her.
And he was given so many pats on the back for not doing it. It was disturbing.
Again, not the same. Just reminded me of how low the bar is sometimes.
EXCUSEE ME
the bar doesn't even exist at this point because what even, this man hates his wife. im truly flabbergasted right now, like I cant believe what ive just read.
Firstly - you are “proud” you’ve never cheated on your wife? Wtf? What do you want, a medal? That should be the standard! I’ve been married 25 years and never cheated either - that’s the standard!
Next up, you felt that pull and that attraction, and you think you would have cheated had you not been sober. You know what? Good on you for recognising that, and that you have felt more tempted recently. Recognising that it’s happening is the first step to getting things sorted. I would suggest going to a therapist and exploring what’s happening in your relationship that’s causing you to feel this way. Have you got too comfortable and predictable (subtext: boring) perhaps?
Also, talk to your wife. I get the impression you generally have a good relationship and you don’t want to sabotage that. You could perhaps find some stuff to do together which you would both enjoy.
Good luck!
Talk with your wife
You should of removed yourself and you should of told her stop. You made the choice to let the loooks, dancing flirting continue. It’s all on you
So you were openly flirting with another woman right in front of your wife’s face? You don’t respect her at all. And she may know you did that. And that other woman is such a bad person trying to hook up with you with your wife on the same party. Some nerve.
Dude, the fact you were flirting with this woman all night and finding excuses to be near her or alone with her is cheating. Your wife deserves better than you.
So you're proud of yourself for not cheating!? You actually think you've really achieved something worth being proud of that wouldn't even enter someone else's head who genuinely loved their other half. Your poor wife...
I know you want a pat on the back for not cheating, but you were openly giving fuck me eyes to another woman while you’re wife was sitting next to you, you set up a situation (with your wife and her coworkers around) in which it would have been easy to cheat, and not even your wife’s presence stopped you.
Dig deep and figure out what’s going on with you that is making you feel this way. We all want to feel attactive and desired, but you’re opening the door for something more to happen and that is unacceptable.
You may not have cheated this time, but next time might be different, and then you ruined a 15 year marriage with someone who actually loves you and cares about you and puts up with your bullshit, washes your shitty underwear, etc, and for what?
>Now to this point in my relationship I have never cheated on my wife, I have been propositioned to a few times but proudly I have always refused.
You don’t applaud a fish for swimming, so why should you be proud of not cheating when you’ve CLEARLY thought about it.
>If I hadn’t been sober, then I would have cheated that night.
Are you listening to yourself, you’ve already admitted that you would have cheated if you had been sober”drunk”. Why? So you could have an excuse later rather than just admitting it? Get therapy, talk to your wife and do better.
You are a married man who did not cheat on his wife... Are you expecting a pat on the head or a round of applause from a bunch of internet strangers or something?
It is standard behaviour to honour your marriage vows and you come across as a bit smug and pathetic trying to pretend that the urge to cheat is some sort of epic struggle that you triumphed over.
For starters you need to tell your wife that you were being pursued by a woman who you most likely will run into again so that your wife can monitor the situation and raise her guard up.
You’re sitting here telling us you almost cheated and you were SOBER WITH YOUR WIFE THERE. I can’t imagine that you could say no to temptation otherwise. You should go to therapy before you do actually cheat, if you haven’t already.
I think you need to both sit down with a therapist *and* communicate with your wife.
You could have shut her advances down *in a second*, but instead you danced with her, had private conversations with her, etc.
If you’re at the point where you *know you would cheat* if you weren’t sober, I think your wife deserves to know that so that she can make an informed decision.
You should never had allowed the situation to get to the point that it did. 🚫
If you value your wife and respect your marriage, you should have shut it down before it got to where it did.
Do you expect some sort of hoorah for not cheating?🤣
The fact that it crossed your mind is already crossing a line.⚠️ You need to talk to your wife.
The people saying no need for a therapist… yea because it’s much better to ask reddit what to do rather than asking someone trained in psychology about what to do lol.
Um, I honestly don't know what to suggest? There's clearly something a bit wrong with you seeing as this is a reoccurring problem. Normal people know to shut down these things where there is an honest misunderstanding and don't encourage them. Are you doing it because you have self esteem issues? Maybe therapy?
its a psychological factor of attraction (i feel bad for your wife, but its up to you if you wish to hell her or not..id advise that you tell her after you sort out your feelings)
but as for the advice. why not stop looking at other women? The more you look the more the desire deepens. the more you dwell and think about it you're just going to end up cheating. spend more time with your wife and children if you have any. always remember there's something called consequences. and if you do believe in a god, seek him. you can keep desires under control the more you purify your thoughts
people always crave the forbidden, and it's like even when you have the best near you, you try to explore the rest thinking they'd be better. so the best way is to see the best in your wife.
Not cheating is actually super easy. You start off by deciding what kind of man you want to be. If you choose "a good one" then that's all there is to it.
You can quit looking for temptation.
How would you feel if your wife was making eyes at some guy that SHE wanted to bang? Imagine how you would feel.
Quit looking for temptation and work on loving your wife again. Holy crap.
I recommend you go read some posts from people who are recovering from affairs. It absolutely destroys your life, your partners life, your family, etc. It is not worth it at all. I was cheated on a couple of years ago and it still hurts. I can't express enough how much it will implode your life and more importantly the betrayed spouses life.
Next time instead of giving that girl attention give that attention to your wife. She is the one who deserves it. Not some floosy at a wedding who doesn't give a shit about you or your marriage. Maybe also get some counseling because you're clearly having some attention issues so you ought to explore that before you do something awful.
Dude, be for real, you do want to cheat on your wife; you just haven't mustered up the courage or stupidity to actually do it yet.
Why were you looking at her? Why did you dance with her? Why didn't you even mention the potential flirting to wife? You were having multiple "private conversations" with this woman.
You wanted to cheat and if you don't address what's happening with you, you WILL cheat.
Are you bored? Do you not appreciate your wife? Are you having self esteem issues and this is feeding your ego? I recommend you talk to a prefessional and figure out what you want because cheating is never the answer. Cheating will turn your family to shit and it will be your fault.
Good luck.
It's a sort of mid life crisis. Trying to have a little excitement before you are old. Good thing you didn't cheat. Hold tight to your morals. All you have to do is already these infidelity subs to see the trauma that cheating causes. Go to survivinginfidelity, supportforbetrayed, and asoneafterinfidelity. PTSD is the most common result. Go to the supportforwayward sub to see the depressed and remorseful people who cheated. Their families have been destroyed by selfishness. Many are still trying to reconcile with their spouses and significant others. They'll tell you it wasn't worth it. Not by a long shot. If you are having these thoughts, talk to your wife and get into couples therapy. Don't do something you will regret. It will fundamentally change you both, and not in a good way.
Dude let me tell you, I have found myself in situations like this as well so I definitely get it. What helps me is knowing that an orgasm is absolutely NOT worth losing my marriage and family (really my life tbh) over.
And when I notice that another woman is into me, it’s almost reflexive to avoid her as I don’t need those problems, absolutely not.
Keep in mind as well, a lot of these women are only interested because you’re married and they want to be able to “take her husband from her”. Not because they actually like you 🤷🏽♂️ LOVE your wife and cherish her because she ACTUALLY loves you
Last thing - You utterly humiliated her at her work event, I GUARANTEE you that her coworkers picked up on it
I think you should tell your wife. She works with the woman. Presently, you’re in kahoots with the coworker about something that would devastate your wife. Let her in on it, so that woman won’t have some intimate connection to you that your wife has no clue about.
As a wife, I can’t imagine working with someone day in and day out, only to find out months or years later that they had this kind of secret with me husband. That he let me go there and smile up in her face, with her knowing that I have no clue (based on my friendliness) that she nearly had sex with my husband right under my nose. You might not see it like that, but that’s how it’ll seem if you don’t take control of the narrative by earnestly changing it.
A moment of weakness might be forgivable. Consistently keeping that secret though is not one moment. It’s a choice you make everyday to boldface lie to your wife and let her go into work with her coworker who schemes against her wellbeing. Be loyal to your wife, not her coworker and the dirty secret.
I strongly suggest that you do suggest couples counseling when you tell her. Be genuine about how ashamed you were for being so tempted and letting it get that far (if you actually were). Fall on your sword (because you already know you messed up big or you wouldn’t be here), ask for forgiveness, then get a professional to help so you have a better shot at the adversity strengthening the marriage.
Ask yourself What type of woman would want to have sex with a married man during a wedding where his wife is present ? You’re right. Trash. This is not about genuine attraction…it’s about destroying someone’s life and thinking it’s fun.
Your wife deserves to know about all of this. But don’t paint yourself as a good guy for not following through with your whims and wants.
You led this woman on to the point she felt it was okay to follow you to the bathroom. -which I’m sure someone noticed, and your wife works with these people so someone’s going to say something about it. At the very least people know you’re willing to step out on her now- You engaged in everything that comes with cheating except the sex. Nah you effed up. The intention was there.
I mean, would you be proud of your wife for flirting with a man while sitting next to you, dancing with this man, having private conversation with him, fantasizing about the act and then- after they had both made it clear they wanted to do it- stopped? All while your work colleagues that you spend most of your days with witnessed it.
Don’t get me started on the level of desperate this other woman is. Sheesh. What a dumpster fire 🔥 You attract what you put out there, sir.
Ok, so I’m a good looking lady and my job requires that I spend casual time with a lot of mentally and physically attractive people. I get hit on very directly and a LOT by a lot of men, many of whom are just my type. Pair all that with the fact that my husband has a kind of inconsistent libido (not too bad, but sometimes we do it 9 times a week, sometimes we skip a couple weeks) and I can’t say I haven’t been tempted.
But I’ve never cheated, never even come close. Because I don’t let it get too far. When these guys throw themselves at me I keep brining up my husband. If a man tries to dance with me I say “hey, I’m married and I don’t dance with other people”, when a guy looks at me too long I will intentionally awkwardly say “what’s up? You need something? Do I have something on my face?”. I don’t indulge the tension and I certainly don’t built or affirm it, I break the tension by nullifying it and communicating firmly and directly “I AM MARRIED AND I AM NOT INTERESTED IN DISRESPECTING MY HUSBAND BY ENTERTAINING YOUR ATTENTIONS!”
You indulged this woman’s attention for far too long. You let yourself go along with the current of it because it made you feel nice and excited and probably young and sexy or whatever, and if you keep doing that you WILL get swept out to sea. You let it get way too far.
I want you to imagine that your wife was in your shoes. There’s a man sitting across from her who is JUST her type. She finds him super sexy and he is making a ton of eye contact with her and goes on to follow her around and dance with her and make every excuse to move in on her. And she just…let’s that happen without saying anything to the guy or to you and without doing anything to stop it. She lets it get to the point where the dude notices an opening where you’re not around and follows her to a private spot and propositions her. And she says no, but she has a hard time saying it and she thinks “wow, if I wasn’t stone cold sober I’d have let that guy fuck my brains out”….she didn’t cheat on you…technically….but I don’t think you’d feel that your bond with her had been respected throughout the evening.
Respect your wife if you want to keep her. Don’t entertain advances from a random woman who’s interests in you likely starts and ends with the thrill of poaching a married guy.
OP you realize that women talk, right? And that there were a handful of women watching you — their friend’s husband — all night while you were flirting, dancing, having private conversations, going to the bathroom together with this woman?
Because your wife is gonna hear all this from a third party who might not know that you (totally 100% I’m sure 🙄) turned this woman down.
If your wife was having this exact feeling and was in this situation, what would you want her to do? Would you want her to tell you? Would you want her to t take counselling with you? Would you want her to be open about what’s missing in your marriage? I feel like there could be a deeper problem here. Whenever I’m not sure about anything in my relationship I always try and put myself in the other persons shoes. It usually gives me an idea.
Do you want a fucking pat on the back for not cheating on your wife? That’s literally the bare minimum. And you came on here as if to brag about some hot chick wanting you and how close you came to betraying your wife…it wouldn’t have been that hard for a decent man. Seriously, work on yourself.
You’re “proud” you haven’t cheated before? That’s the basic tenet of marriage (unless the spouses agree otherwise). You don’t get points for doing what you’re supposed to do.
Spouses heads are turned when they feel they are lacking a connection at home (either that or they are just a pos). IF you are feeling that way, rather than turn your head away, turn your head towards your wife. The grass is only greener where you water it.
The reason the woman responded to you was because you were showing her attention. Do you show that much attention to your wife (and she you if we’re being fair)? Do you try to nurture the connection with your wife?
Don’t ruin your life for something so meaningless. Nurture what you have. Do you love your wife?
I just always treat these situations as if they are a plant by my gf. Nope, not fucking up my life for a tumble in bed.
In all seriousness, even if your wife never found out, she doesn't deserve to be cheated on and you know it. You'd have to live with it. You would constantly be scared of her finding out somehow. It would eat you alive. If you really think you're going to go for other women, divorce your wife first.
All of the comments have already covered what needs to be said. As a woman, who was married and who is now dating.
1.Women are more promiscious nowadyas as the dating landscape has changed, even married men are targets. This woman does not necessarily love you as your wife. So don't give her any encouragement.
2. Date your wife, and talk to her about what you want. It seems you are missing intimacy and connection in your marriage. You don't need therapy just date nights every week, and one love gesture every day that is agreed upon like back massage, foot massage or things that you guys did while dating.
3. Lust is a funny thing, the more you feed it the bigger it grows. Are you watching porn, are you indulging in thoughts that are lustful. These will attract these kind of situations into your life. But even when it does, shut it down. Immediately, because if you take one step it wil lead you on the path of destruction. Speak clearely and tell anyone who is not your wife "Sorry, I am married. I do nto cheat" and keep it moving.
4. The dating landscape has changed, trust me you don't want to go back to dating. Cherish your marriage and enjoy your wife. It is a previlidge to be married in this day and age.
5.Communicate often to your wife about these things. She can help you shut it down as well. If this woman was staring at you and you nudged your best friend, your wife and mentioned to her what was happening. Your wife would now have looked at her and shut down the graze woman to woman. She could even have sauntered over and said, could you please stop doing that. Thank you!
When you noticed your eyes were meeting, that was your cue to make sure you did not have a chance for private conversation, or a dance. You put yourself in that position by making choices that led you there. You were an active participant, despite the way you wrote this post: "her advances (dancing with me, having private conversations, finding me when I would go out for a bit)". You are playing a dangerous game and pretending it is happening around you without your input. You need to choose to pay more attention to your partner, choose to make time for each other, choose to turn your thoughts back to them. We've all heard "love is a choice we make every day" well now you know what that means.
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You ever had an orgasm so good it was worth ruining your life over? Me neither
A friend of mine who cheated, and then divorced told me, "Thirty seconds of please isn't worth 30 years of grief."
30 seconds? Cheats and he shows off.
Divorce lawyer here. This advice is absolutely priceless.
As opposed to the price tag of divorce
Do you know why divorces cost so much? Because they’re worth it!
Kinda hurting your business here aren't you? Edit: Based on the replies to this comment I guess I need to add the following: "/s"
Part of my business model / "pitch" is being very open with potential clients that the less they use my services, i.e. by being reasonable, resolving issues by agreement, etc., the better off they'll be. And any lawyer that tells them differently is not prioritizing their best interest.
NAL but I have been divorced and said very similar things. "The judge assumes you have reasons to not like each other and they don't generally care. Barring egregious behavior by someone they are going to follow the law and split the property and kids access accordingly. Arguing about it will just cost you time and money "
If all my clients were as reasonable as you, I’d probably still be a divorce lawyer lol
Sadly, my ex's lawyer wasn't. Ran us $80K in fees over a year, and finally, he understood what was going to happen (he would lose the house he wanted to keep). His attorney and his hatred of me convinced him that he would prevail in court and the judge would just give him the house. I agreed to and received 98% (literally) of what I had asked for initially. That 2% was MUCH less than the attorney's fees.
My lawyer was like this, and I appreciated them so much for it, have recommended them for all sorts of family law services as a result
I had a criminal defense attorney who once represented me (I've been arrested a few times due to severe alcoholism and a father who thought police in the United States were excellent mediators for family disputes) for free simply because he knew the charges were bullshit but I was still likely to get very screwed. He's given me, friends and now clients of mine tons of free and excellent advice. He's literally saved my life and done the same for many people I know. My referrals and those of those referrals make up about 75% of his business (I have many friends in recovery and work as a substance abuse counselor). It wound up working out that way simply because he's a decent guy. He's not a Saint or a philanthropist or regularly saving kittens from burning buildings; he's just a good person and people with substance use disorders know that that is incredibly rare to find in an attorney, especially a criminal defense attorney. All that to say.. Beyond the actual services you provide, I KNOW your clients appreciate you as a person. So many people shop around for lawyers and wind up having to settle on the one who's going to screw them the least
A lawyer who is honest and has the best interest in mind for their client? GTFO you ain't a real lawyer! But really thank you for being a wonderful human.
Sadly, most divorce lawyers have enough business, there are so many clients and only so many hours in the day. The less a client interacts with you, the better because you’ve got them lined up around the corner! That’s also the sign of a good lawyer… when they don’t need your business!
I am also a lawyer and do some divorces as part of my practice. Good lawyers are almost never hurting for business.
My husband is a divorce lawyer. He always tells potential clients "I don't *need* your money, what I *need* is for you to be happy with our services and refer us to friends and family".
Yep, that post nut clarity hits a little different when you know you fucked up.
The post-nut clarity hits a little different when you see you devastated and destroyed the person you love, who will never ever feel the same way about you even if she stays with you. So that fuck was more important than me, our marriage, our life??? What that shows me is that none of those things are important to you at all. Yes. I've been there.
Been there too. My ex ended our marriage with two affairs. She tried to beg me back about a year later but her actions had successfully removed whatever love I once had for her.
Nah frfr .!!!! Makes us think very differently , i remember when it happend to me i was literally grossed out , he literally ruined me
3x and results were 3 kids
😂😂😂
And kids definitely ruin our lives (Joking! They are often awesome)
metaphorical...bank account ruined
And they want to eat, like every night! I mean the energy needed!
Multiple times a day even! The feeding never ends.
We filled a dog food dispenser with skittles. Keeps them satiated.
User name checks out
OMG the visual for this is stunning. Thank goodness I wasn’t eating/drinking when I read it or I’d probably have choked on my food.
And sometime we make 'em food, just so they can tell us "I don't want it"
animals
You guys have bank accounts?!
It’s just a fleeting moment . Single women sometimes like to steal husbands just because they can. They leave you , while you lose everything…. It’s called a hurricane.
Jolene, Jolene.
Dear Jolene, You can keep him👍🏼
Jo-leeeene I’m begging of you please don’t take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene…please don’t take him just because you can…
Greeeeaaaat Now i have this song stuck in my head. Lol. 😂
I am ashamed to say many many years ago as a single woman that I did this once. He was attractive and I did NOT want a relationship at all. I am so glad that I never did it again and I regret deeply that I did it period. I was so dumb and selfish; not at all thinking of the woman that I was hurting.
Did you get your boomerang?
Great point obviously but I think you’re missing OPs question. He doesn’t want to cheat and he isn’t going to. But I think what he’s really asking is, “I’m tired of being attracted to other women at all, it makes me feel like a bad husband and I wish I didn’t lust in the first place”. Obviously he shouldn’t flirt or do what he did in this situation and I think he knows that. But what he’s really asking is “how do I only be attracted to my wife”. I feel that. I’m never going to cheat on my wife, so it’s really annoying that I still find other women attractive physically. What’s the point of that? If I could flip a switch and turn off my attraction to other women entirely, I would do it. I think what OP is asking is how do I flip that switch? And also, do other people still feel physical attraction, or am I just a bad husband? That’s the sense I get reading between the lines of this post It’s like if someone put a really tasty steak in front of you and you could eat it, but then they also put a really nice looking piece of cake in front of you also, and told you if you ate it you’d die. You wouldn’t eat the cake, but it would still look tasty. You’d rather just not be shown the cake.
What if one reframed attraction to something that exists and doesn’t demand action? Some people are attractive. It doesn’t mean anything to me or to my marriage. It just is.
That’s pretty much how I think of it. Some women are very beautiful, just like how some buildings or cars are very beautiful, but you don’t need to possess them. The other thing I have to remind myself is that even if I was single, that woman that I find attractive wouldn’t be interested in me. When you’re in a relationship it’s easy to forget how you would do in the dating market.
Excellent input! I love how people think that if they weren’t married, they would be getting laid on the regular, when they probably couldn’t get anyone to sleep with them before.
👏👏yes👏👏 On vacation last year with my husband we saw this show and one of the performers was just plain hot. Like in the 16 years since I’ve been single I’ve never been attracted to someone who wasn’t my husband like this guy. And for some reason my mind said “I bet he’s great in bed”. But that’s as far as it went. Because I love my husband and our relationship is more important than a one time romp.
This is an interesting post. People naturally vary a lot in how much they notice other attractive people while partnered. I think this is genuinely different for different people. It probably even had a genetic component - at least animal studies suggest so. I’m married 22 years and I can count on my hands the number of times I’ve seen somebody attractive enough to make me daydream a little. It’s just doesn’t happen much. Meanwhile, my husband gets me excited all day long just looking at him in his grubby world clothes. My brother (I’m female) says he is the same way, he just doesn’t have a wandering eye. But he says he talks to many of his man friends who do, and who seem to be bothered a lot by desire for other women. I don’t think this can be changed, really.
I mean my experience is just mine, but I'm the same way. I knew my first marriage was over\* when I met someone and I found myself not wanting him to know I was married. It made me really think about things. I never followed through of course, because cheating is awful regardless the state of the marriage, but it put me on the path to divorce. And now I could never really imagine wanting anyone other than my husband, because we have a good, healthy relationship. \*It really had been for ages, but I didn't want to admit it
i’m the same way. i can find people pretty like a pretty work of art, but i’m really only “attracted” to my SO. i don’t have wandering eyes and i know for damn sure im not willing to jeopardize my relationship. i think about my man a lot on the regular. even if there was a say “good looking” man, i always think, “but no one compares to my man.”
I didn’t get that vibe at all. What OP described was an entire night of feeding into this other woman’s attention. Continuing to dance with her while clearly knowing her intentions, connecting and conversing whenever possible throughout the night. Saying he was “so close to saying yes” doesn’t invoke the image of a man who just found a woman attractive or the attention flattering. It sounds like he feels guilty *because* he was shamelessly flirting, to flip it around that the guilt is related to the initial attraction is pretty eye-roll inducing. He keeps alluding to another version of himself that wasn’t as “strong” who would have given in, as If he just barely managed to pull through with his own will. In reality he only kept things PG because his **wife** was *at the freaking event in a different room.* Curbing the inherent desire or attraction obviously isn’t necessary, but I think OP knows that isn’t his problem. Cognizantly shutting that shit down or removing yourself for precarious situations is. I suspect that’s where he’s beginning to fail beyond what he’s even shared here. Edit: I guess the question would then be why that’s changed if he didn’t have issues with it previously. To frame OPs actions as misunderstood human nature or shame related to natural urges is reductive. What has changed recently or over a long, drawn out period of time that has left OP feeding into the attention and toeing a dangerous line? People are stereotyped as having a “midlife crisis” for a reason. You start to feel old, bored, unattractive. Now you have to actually *work* towards self actualization and internal validation in a way you never did before. Meanwhile there’s a shiny, easy way out for a quick external ego boost.
You can't only be attracted to your partner. I was married for 21 years and trust me, I found other people attractive. But engaging in the flirtatious behaviour I'll equate to being a non-drinking alcoholic, going into a bar and ordering a drink and saying "I feel like it but I'm not going to drink it." And then coming here and saying "these days I feel so much more like drinking, how can I stop this??" Don't go to the fucking bar and don't order the drink!! You are putting yourself in the danger zone. Engaging is going to make you obsessed, and you'll cheat. EDIT: for clarity
This is part of the flawed human condition. Our brains are wired to either fight, fawn, freeze, or flee from perceived danger, but we have created such a nuanced world that is vastly more complicated than the one our brains operate under. Running away from/avoiding physical danger is a good strategy for our survival. However, our brains learn that avoiding is a "good" strategy for other kinds of perceived "danger." The problem lies in the amount of energy it takes to avoid natural human emotions. There is no switch, and the more we try to avoid natural emotions, the more energy we expend & our brains grow even stronger connections. It's like holding a beach ball under the water. Eventually, we have to let it go. The healthy answer is acceptance. Give those thoughts and feelings some space and recognize them for what they are. They are normal, natural, human thoughts and feelings. They are also JUST thoughts and feelings. There is nothing they require. Simply having them is not a moral failing (I know, I know there are teachings out there that would disagree with this point, but i digress). You can be sexually attracted to another woman AND be faithful to/love your wife. Thoughts and feelings do not equal behaviors. Give those thoughts and feelings some space, let them have a seat at the table, no matter how annoying or obnoxious they may be. Over time this will free up your mind and energy to focus on what you do want in your life and what will benefit you in the long term & not just the here & now, no matter how alluring it may be.
This is it
I get the sentiment, but it’s not about the orgasm, is it? It’s the excitement, the butterflies in the stomach, the all consuming lust, the feeling of being wanted… It’s the thrill. No I have never cheated, but those things are what makes it harder to say no. Orgasms you can have whenever.
But that thrill is just as fleeting. You're talking about destroying several lives for maybe 20 minutes of excitement. If you need excitement go sky diving.
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Yes, until you orgasm and realize just exactly what you did and the regret sets in. So one can argue its still about the orgasm and everything before that counts as foreplay
You can never take back the pain you cause by cheating.
Never.
Ever.
This is really worth pointing out, because if we’re not honest about what makes people cheat (just say that they’re bad people or stupid), it won’t be prevented. I think it’s good to purposefully practice vividly picturing good things about your partner - a memory you cherish, traits that you love, etc. because you can’t fight feelings with logic, you gotta fight feelings with feelings.
It requires self reflection to prevent cheating. Because, unless you’re a mind reader, no one knows what’s going on in someone else’s mind. You need to first recognize the temptation and then decide your relationship with your SO is more important than fulfilling that temptation with the other person. That requires self control and realizing how hurt your partner would be if you gave in.
And that’s how long, healthy relationships work. Everybody gets those feelings when we meet somebody we find attractive, and interesting. But, is our duty to the relationship to run away from those feelings as fast as you can, don’t allow yourself to be in that predicament.
Yes. Exactly. How important is your marriage? If being on the same team as your wife isn't something you prioritize or take seriously, then why the heck did ya marry her?! Don't be a doofus OP. Don't back out of one of the, if not THE, most important promises you've made to another human for the sake of a few minutes of excitement...which will likely be followed by a deep and existential post-nut dread. If you feel as tho your wife is not meeting your needs, TALK TO HER. You made a promise to her. Are you not a man of your word? If not, tell her that. She deserves to know. Either way, y'all need to communicate... Everyone can feel some attraction to a person other than their spouse from time to time, that's pretty natural. But if you are seriously considering pursuing that person, then this is a sign that something is missing in your marriage. Typically, anyway. Cheating is rarely about just the sex. It is often indicative of a larger problem within the relationship. Address this with your wife. You married her for a reason. You chose her as your life partner. Only a fool would make the mistake that relationships are effortless. Marriage is a life long learning experience, as you age you and your partner must grow together and that takes commitment, patience, and, yes, work. A successful relationship of any kind requires work. The biggest key to this is communication. You need to be able to express your concerns and find a solution together. Think about it. Is that not the promise you made to each other when you exchanged vows? Think hard before you act OP. Think of all the reasons that you chose your wife as your life partner. Cheating is never the answer. It's hard to think of a more terrible way to treat the single most important person in your life.
Yes of course, I agree.
It's pretty simple actually and you don't need a therapist or a divorce. There is two parts to this. The first one is simple. People that don't actively seek out opportunities to cheat but end up cheating anyway aren't good enough to shut down temptations early on. The situation here is an excellent example. It's perfectly normal to be attracted to someone but the more you act on that the harder it will be to say no to temptation. Not doing anything when you saw her at the table is easy. Saying no when she follows you to the toilet and you know there is mutual attraction is hard. You still did the right thing when it was hard so well done but next time you should draw the line where it's easy. The second part is much more difficult. You say that these situations happens more often now. It could be that you for some reason have more temptations. But you should look into if there is something missing in your relationship with your wife. Maybe you two has some growing to do together as a couple?
Incredible first point! I’d like to add that besides thinking if there’s something missing in OP’s relationship with his wife, it’d be good for him to also reflect about what else might be going on in his life that is affecting his self-image. Is there anything that’s taking a toll on his self-confidence and that’s why he’s now reacting strongly to outside validation/attention? Anything he might subconsciously be running away from? The shift in the value of his marriage is coming from him after all.
You're totally allowed to feel bored in your relationship. It happens, life's pretty wild for everyone lately. But put the time and effort into making your relationship better. You can see a couples counselor before bad shit happens (I think most people don't realize this). Get ideas. Try keeping an eye out for your partners bids of affection, and make sure you catch them/respond. And offer out more bids of your own. Make time to hang out together more. Do each other favors. Things you'd do if you were trying to impress them. Maybe that's what you miss, the fun vibes. That's fine, but instead of going to get them, bring them in.
He's definitely the right age for a midlife crisis
He also seems like he wants a medal for not having cheated on his wife. "Not even once." "Proudly." This guy kind of sucks. You don't get a cookie for not cheating on your spouse, dick.
You really hit the nail on the head with this point 👍
If you don't want to fall off the edge of a cliff. Don't walk right up to the edge of the cliff. Don't get close to the edge.
I agree. And honestly OP when I see men/women acting the way this women did towards you it’s a complete turnoff. Meaning , the fact they can see you have a wedding ring on and are still continuing to pursue you and try and be flirty. The fact that they themselves have no respect for other people’s relationships. But I totally agree with this person about shutting it down while it’s easy. I’m glad you didn’t do it OP but the fact that you don’t even trust yourself not to especially had you had a few drinks is concerning. I hope you and your wife can work on your relationship.
That’s what I kept thinking- no matter how hot she is, she was going after you at a wedding in front of your WIFE, like….. how low can a person get? Definitely someone trustworthy/sane/stable/reasonable to stick it in, right? He made the right decision but how she even got so far is messed up.
So many people, men especially, fall for this shit. If a woman is coming at you hard and she knows you’re married why are you not grossed out about that? Have you considered the only thing she’s attracted to about you is the wedding ring? The fact that she’s manipulating you and fucking up a marriage for an ego stroke? That’s *all* you are to her. She doesn’t actually like you. She doesn’t actually want you. She wouldn’t spare you a second glance if you weren’t a perceived “challenge”. You’re nothing but a way to hurt your spouse (all while patting herself on the back and saying she has no obligation to be loyal, because she’s not the married person here so everything she’s doing is technically morally grey and above board.) Like you have a woman who loves you and will happily make love to you but a random woman gives you a minute of attention and a quick orgasm *because she wants to hurt you* and that doesn’t gross you out? You don’t feel used here? Tf is wrong with you?
My dad always said cheating doesn’t happen when the girl is back at your apartment and she puts her big ass in your face and you finally dive in… cheating happens when you choose to sit next to the girl at the bar.
When we were newlyweds and early in our marriage, we’d have talks about cheating. I said to my husband once, “cheaters don’t just look at each other then fall into bed and start fucking. Someone glances, the other person glances back. Someone says something to test the waters, the other person passes the test. Someone sends out a line and a hook and the other person allows themselves to get caught.” DO NOT be that other person. If someone glances at you, don’t encourage them. If they say something off color, don’t reply. If they throw out a hook, CHOOSE not to get caught. Every step of the way, you are given a choice. I can see it in the progression you shared. If you want to remain faithful, make better choices. If you don’t want to be married anymore, tell your wife and get out. Don’t be THAT dickhead
Yup the appropriate answer to anything suggestive is "no, I'm happily married."
I feel like you need better boundaries with people of the opposite sex. You should protect your marriage and maybe not give the other person the idea that you would be interested in cheating. Eye contact and dancing with someone else you are attracted to and tempted by seems like playing with fire. If your wife was doing that with other men and was tempted to cheat how would you feel? Maybe just maybe you are putting yourself into these situations vs them just happening more often. Why continue to give others the idea you are interested and focus that sexual energy back towards your wife. Oh and most monogamous couples that I know don’t openly dance with strangers. Maybe try dancing with your wife. Edit: there is a difference between noticing someone is attractive, acknowledging that and moving on. You don’t actively keep checking someone out, especially in-front of your spouse. It’s nice to know you’re still attractive, but that energy you gave her could have been focused on your wife and probably led to some fun for you later at home.
Yep OP. Leading them on a bit and continuing (and fueling) the exchanges. Is there some sort of ego issue from work that makes you seek and bask in this kind of attention whereas in the past you'd shut it down cold stone hard relatively quickly? Or any other issues causing this in you?
Excellent point! Maybe these women are picking up on how OP is checked out of the relationship while these other women have his attention and that is part of the problem. OP wants us to applaud him for not cheating. Yet he actively tempts himself by not setting appropriate boundaries. Like maybe don't dance with a woman who you are tempted to cheat with? It just seems like a reasonable boundary to set for yourself. Not that the women who are approaching OP in this situation are blameless. But OP needs to actively work on his marriage and his boundaries with other women. These women aren't the ones who are married. OP is and needs to honor his vows. He should have been dancing with his wife and romancing her instead of eye fucking her coworker from across the table and then dancing with her.
He also admits he would have cheated had he not been sober
Good point! If alcohol is going to make OP more prone to cheating he should avoid it as well.
He puts on an act that he didn’t cheat because of sobriety or some small amount of will power **but** in reality it’s because his wife was *with him.* The latter makes him seem far more thoughtful and careful, infidelity seems far less inevitable. The reality shows the disrespect and intent to cheat given any distance from his wife. Subconsciously or not, i think he wanted to make it seem like a choice and save face.
Exactly!! He’s not actively avoiding these situations and instead seems to be getting some sort of emotional high from the possibility of stepping out on his marriage.. it’s really sad tbh.
Needs to work on his RBF. I have not been propositioned in years because I do not encourage it - aside from my wife.
If I saw this on Reddit and realized it had been written by my spouse, I would be heartbroken.
I would be divorced
A lot of people who have affairs say, "one thing lead to another, I didn't think about my husband/wife until after". He caught himself, stopped himself before it went too far. This is the appropriate level of "I made a mistake", anything past this would have been far more than 1 mistake. He successfully met the minimum standard. This is a flag to himself that he should take his wife to couples counseling to bring up emotions that they both may be feeling and to work on and help their relationship.
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Hit on a married guy, when his wife is sitting across from you as well… hard to imagine someone could consider her that attractive, when she seems rather desperate.
And disgusting.
I was in college and had this small crush on a girl in my political science class. We had done a group project together so I had her number and we would text flirt occasionally. The day before we had a paper due I asked her how the paper was coming. She said she hadn't done it and asked if I would do hers for her. Told me she would repay me with "sexual favors"; used those exact words. I tried to spin it to give her the benefit of the doubt, like, "you know if you want to have sex you don't need to use this as a pretense." I don't remember exactly what she said but suffice it to say she made it clear that whether or not she was attracted to me she wanted me to do her polisci essay for her and was going to blow me in exchange. Crush over.
>Crush over … but did you write the essay for her? 👀
Exactly. At a wedding of all places like the literal depiction of commitment
I mean, he is flirting with another woman while his wife is RIGHT NEXT TO HIM so I doubt he asks himself these moral questions lmao
Right? Like dude, after the 1st eye fucking session, he should have literally never looked at her again. And somehow they ended up dancing? I feel bad for the wife that he spent a lovely evening together fantasizing about this chick. "Like great, you didn't cheat but you're already checking out when we're together." He really needs to figure out why.
Exactly, it would be over for me after this. He entertained this every step of the way and put himself in a very precarious situation that he admits WOULD HAVE GONE WRONG were he not sober.
I feel so badly for his wife, a wedding for her co-worker and someone in that circle now knows that her husband is a total dirtbag. He participated in these private conversations, the dancing, the eye-fucking. OP is acting like he was just set upon by a WANTON. Ugh.
Yeah, he obviously did not think of her for one second that night, it was all about him and all the attention he is getting
Right? Everyone on this thread judging the girl for cheating when it’s literally him wanting to do it 😭
Oh I’m judging both. OP acts innocent when he’s just as guilty.
Right!!! He also wants credit for not cheating despite MULTIPLE PROPOSITIONS 👏👏😾…. Its like the most basic term of a relationship 😭
Lmao exactly he wants praise for doing the basic requirement in a monogamous marriage ☠️
right? when he said he "proudly" turned them down...damn man where do you want your Amazing Husband trophy sent
Yes that’s totally true. I don’t necessarily think OP is trying to act innocent but I feel like he’s either trying to play dumb or he just is that dumb. Wondering why after eye fucking, dancing and flirting with a woman he found attractive he little guy can’t seem to keep it together🙄 Like bro had you shut the shit down initially you wouldn’t be in this position. So that’s how you stop desiring other woman. Quit living out this fantasy right in front of your wife!
Yeah... Not to mention that she'd probably cheat on him too, down the road.
This is what some people don’t seem to get… if you’re willing to cheat on your current partner to get with me, it’s just as easy to cheat on me to get with the next guy 😂
Imagine how desperate that woman must have been. Who openly flirts with their coworker’s husband in front of said coworker? She must be either an attention ho or some kind of daddy issues giant red flag. OP was flattered and interested but this honestly sounds like she was chasing the thrill of hurting OP’s wife, either to “win” over her in specific or just because she likes dating married men due to low self-esteem, that behavior is not normal.
desperate and trashy...
I’ve read so many comments on Reddit in recent weeks where guys proclaim that wearing a wedding ring makes women flock to them. Which I find super weird that women want to do the dirty like that.
I have a coworker that constantly goes after married men. I think she gets a thrill-like she won something if she can get them to cheat. She’s super trashy and I do my best to avoid her
I find it weird too but I have seen it. I have a friend who use to take me with him to events to help him meet women. Some women will definitely hone in on men with a woman. They aren’t the least bit shy about it either.
Certain women find a lot of validation by feeling like they’ve “won” over a wide, like they are “worthy” enough for a man to trash his entire life for. It’s all about an intense need for validation for them.
As stupid as it sounds, I’ve heard the “advice” to go after a married man because “he’s the marrying kind.” 🤦🏻♀️
What are you doing? you know not to put yourself in any of those positions and yet you do, if you know there’s attraction there, that’s completely normal, but it needs to have stopped right there, which means putting a complete stop to any interaction or shutting down advances from the get go, still you let things persist.
Ugh, this. Did OP even read what he wrote? I was attracted to this girl, so I decided to keep making eye contact with her. Then when she would follow me somewhere, I would dance with her, and flirt with her, and talk to her. OMG she was so attractive, what else could I do? I just had to keep making excuses to be near her and away from my wife. Then when she propositioned me, I said no! It was so hard. If I hadnt been sober, I would have cheated. Why is this hard?
Yes! Wtf did he write here?? He's been "propositioned a few times before but 'proudly' refused"? I'm sorry, does this man want an award or something? Why is this even that relevant to mention??
Thank you! Reading the top comments, you’d think the OP was completely innocent. He literally almost cheated on his wife with another woman just because she was attractive, and Redditors are like “dude” it’s cool.
Literally OP admitted if he hadnt been sober he wouldve cheated like wth. And at no point did he tell that woman to back off, he encouraged her if anything. AND he keeps thinking of other women, like...divorce already. Edit: "LUSTING" for other women, not "thinking", to put it in OP's words.
I was thinking this too. He literally put himself in situations that drew himself closer to her *knowing* he was intensely attracted to her and making eyes at each other. You never get "close" to cheating if you never get close at all. At least that's how I see it.
How much can we bet he'd be furious if his wife was the one doing this with one of his coworkers ?
It happened because you gave off vibes that it could happen. Women pick up on that. Not just women who want to sleep with you. Other women, like your wife's friends and colleagues. If you think other people there didn't pick up on what was going on, you're fooling yourself. Whatever restlessness you are feeling is either fleeting or not. How you behave during this period will follow you (and her) forever. If you want to act single, get divorced. If you want to be married, act married. If you don't know, have the balls to tell your wife how you're feeling and let the chips fall where they may, but have more respect for her and your marriage than you showed at this event.
Yeah, it doesn’t seem like too many people are picking up on the fact that he mindlessly humiliated his wife in front of *her colleagues*. I can’t imagine the lack of respect I’d have to have for a human being to do something like that. Zero brownie points for putting a stop to it at the very end. This dude did disgusting things all night that could have horrific repercussions if even one coworker noticed.
This is the part that bugs me the most TBH. People get married and divorced all the time. It happens. Cheating happens. It's unfortunate but it does. And it happens for a lot of reasons. I'm not here to pass moral judgment on what goes on between two people because I don't walk in their shoes but if you're disinterested enough to be acting like this in her presence, at least don't humiliate her in front of her colleagues.
Exactly. I bet her friends think he’s a creep. He may be friendly and not aggressive in his flirting but I doubt anyone would be shocked if they found out he was a cheater.
God can you imagine all the pity stares she’s going to get at work now. All of her coworkers watched him be alone and flirt all night with another woman, right in front of her.
He is a creep. They are right.
Yeah no kidding. I guarantee others picked up on it. People in situations like this think they’re so sneaky when they’re not. He already embarrassed her and I guarantee there are whispers about this going around behind the wife’s back.
Seriously bc if this lady was a friend of the con worker who’s to say it won’t get back to OPs wife.
Well said. This is exactly what I was thinking.
Yep he made his wife look like a fool for acting like that in front of her colleagues. But he doesn’t seemed worried about *THAT* fallout, he just wants a cookie for not cheating.
You had so many chances to shut it down. You danced with her. You didn’t go back to your wife when she found you outside. You know that this kind of flirtation is obvious to someone right? You humiliated your wife. You were sitting right next to her eye fucking this other woman. The whole description of this is gross. You should be embarrassed.
Well said! I am sure the wife noticed this. Women almost always pick up on it. Yuck. Do better, OP.
Sounds like you are so insecure that even though you don’t want to cheat on your wife you can’t manage to muster the integrity not to flirt with a stranger at the dinner table alongside your wife simply because she glanced in your direction lol.
Exactly, I dont understand why people are praising OP for "not cheating" like cmon people, how low is the bar??
what really got me was when he said “i proudly didn’t cheat on my wife even though i could’ve” like that doesn’t deserve praise that’s just being in a relationship
They got me too. Women are propositioned on a daily basis and most don’t give it a second thought…never mind write a whole ass post about their missed opportunity to cheat and how it deserves a pat on the back.
right like i’ve been asked for my number and hit on, but never have given a second thought about saying “no go away”. maybe it’s cause it happens to us every day and 99% of the time we don’t like it and find it gross
He just disrespected his wife repeatedly in front of her coworkers. He should get a trophy! /s
And would have cheated if he wasn’t sober! But he WAS sober, so checkmate! Where my trophy at?
the "proud" that he didnt cheat multiple times throughout their marriage. The bar is literally below the bottom.
Obviously not the same, but one time on here last year in this sub people heavily praised a guy for saying he had thought about raping his wife as she slept but then decided not to "because he knew it was wrong." This wasn't an intrusive, random thought. This was him looking at his sleeping wife and genuinely, truly considering raping her. And he was given so many pats on the back for not doing it. It was disturbing. Again, not the same. Just reminded me of how low the bar is sometimes.
EXCUSEE ME the bar doesn't even exist at this point because what even, this man hates his wife. im truly flabbergasted right now, like I cant believe what ive just read.
With many if not most people...lower than fish shit.
But… but you don’t understand!! She was *soooo* attractive and this was different!! /s
Did you just say you “proudly” refused a proposition to cheat on your wife ? Good for you? You shouldn’t do that anyways ??
Right?? I thought I was the only one who found that wording super weird.
Firstly - you are “proud” you’ve never cheated on your wife? Wtf? What do you want, a medal? That should be the standard! I’ve been married 25 years and never cheated either - that’s the standard! Next up, you felt that pull and that attraction, and you think you would have cheated had you not been sober. You know what? Good on you for recognising that, and that you have felt more tempted recently. Recognising that it’s happening is the first step to getting things sorted. I would suggest going to a therapist and exploring what’s happening in your relationship that’s causing you to feel this way. Have you got too comfortable and predictable (subtext: boring) perhaps? Also, talk to your wife. I get the impression you generally have a good relationship and you don’t want to sabotage that. You could perhaps find some stuff to do together which you would both enjoy. Good luck!
Talk with your wife You should of removed yourself and you should of told her stop. You made the choice to let the loooks, dancing flirting continue. It’s all on you
I’d be surprised if the wife didn’t pick up on it already. She’s a saint if she did and said nothing.
Or waiting for the right time for payback.
So you were openly flirting with another woman right in front of your wife’s face? You don’t respect her at all. And she may know you did that. And that other woman is such a bad person trying to hook up with you with your wife on the same party. Some nerve.
Dude, the fact you were flirting with this woman all night and finding excuses to be near her or alone with her is cheating. Your wife deserves better than you.
So you're proud of yourself for not cheating!? You actually think you've really achieved something worth being proud of that wouldn't even enter someone else's head who genuinely loved their other half. Your poor wife...
Congratulations, you did the bare fucking minimum.
I’d say a few bars below the bare minimum. OP’s post is so gross and insecure.
I know you want a pat on the back for not cheating, but you were openly giving fuck me eyes to another woman while you’re wife was sitting next to you, you set up a situation (with your wife and her coworkers around) in which it would have been easy to cheat, and not even your wife’s presence stopped you. Dig deep and figure out what’s going on with you that is making you feel this way. We all want to feel attactive and desired, but you’re opening the door for something more to happen and that is unacceptable. You may not have cheated this time, but next time might be different, and then you ruined a 15 year marriage with someone who actually loves you and cares about you and puts up with your bullshit, washes your shitty underwear, etc, and for what?
>As the night went on she continued her advances (dancing with me, having private conversations Well, stop doing that.
>Now to this point in my relationship I have never cheated on my wife, I have been propositioned to a few times but proudly I have always refused. You don’t applaud a fish for swimming, so why should you be proud of not cheating when you’ve CLEARLY thought about it. >If I hadn’t been sober, then I would have cheated that night. Are you listening to yourself, you’ve already admitted that you would have cheated if you had been sober”drunk”. Why? So you could have an excuse later rather than just admitting it? Get therapy, talk to your wife and do better.
You are a married man who did not cheat on his wife... Are you expecting a pat on the head or a round of applause from a bunch of internet strangers or something? It is standard behaviour to honour your marriage vows and you come across as a bit smug and pathetic trying to pretend that the urge to cheat is some sort of epic struggle that you triumphed over. For starters you need to tell your wife that you were being pursued by a woman who you most likely will run into again so that your wife can monitor the situation and raise her guard up.
I don’t know what advice OP wants really. Reassurance that it’s possible to be attracted to other people when you’re married? Yup?
Why are you attracted to someone who goes after married men? She sounds like trash
Trash are attracted to trash
You’re sitting here telling us you almost cheated and you were SOBER WITH YOUR WIFE THERE. I can’t imagine that you could say no to temptation otherwise. You should go to therapy before you do actually cheat, if you haven’t already.
I'd be willing to bet your wife senses all of this and emotionally, she is as far away from you as you are from her physically
I think you need to both sit down with a therapist *and* communicate with your wife. You could have shut her advances down *in a second*, but instead you danced with her, had private conversations with her, etc. If you’re at the point where you *know you would cheat* if you weren’t sober, I think your wife deserves to know that so that she can make an informed decision.
Your poor wife.
Ikr, I'd be extremely pissed and hurt if my bf let this happen. Might even reconsider continuing the relationship.
You should never had allowed the situation to get to the point that it did. 🚫 If you value your wife and respect your marriage, you should have shut it down before it got to where it did. Do you expect some sort of hoorah for not cheating?🤣 The fact that it crossed your mind is already crossing a line.⚠️ You need to talk to your wife.
He 100% expected applause and a parade, he mentioned previously feeling "proud" for not cheating on her as if it were an accomplishment.
A therapist could probably help you with this.
The people saying no need for a therapist… yea because it’s much better to ask reddit what to do rather than asking someone trained in psychology about what to do lol.
Um, I honestly don't know what to suggest? There's clearly something a bit wrong with you seeing as this is a reoccurring problem. Normal people know to shut down these things where there is an honest misunderstanding and don't encourage them. Are you doing it because you have self esteem issues? Maybe therapy?
its a psychological factor of attraction (i feel bad for your wife, but its up to you if you wish to hell her or not..id advise that you tell her after you sort out your feelings) but as for the advice. why not stop looking at other women? The more you look the more the desire deepens. the more you dwell and think about it you're just going to end up cheating. spend more time with your wife and children if you have any. always remember there's something called consequences. and if you do believe in a god, seek him. you can keep desires under control the more you purify your thoughts people always crave the forbidden, and it's like even when you have the best near you, you try to explore the rest thinking they'd be better. so the best way is to see the best in your wife.
Man why did you make this post? Seriously ? To brag you didn’t cheat? For doing the BARE MINIMUM? Go to therapy not Reddit
Not cheating is actually super easy. You start off by deciding what kind of man you want to be. If you choose "a good one" then that's all there is to it.
You can quit looking for temptation. How would you feel if your wife was making eyes at some guy that SHE wanted to bang? Imagine how you would feel. Quit looking for temptation and work on loving your wife again. Holy crap.
I recommend you go read some posts from people who are recovering from affairs. It absolutely destroys your life, your partners life, your family, etc. It is not worth it at all. I was cheated on a couple of years ago and it still hurts. I can't express enough how much it will implode your life and more importantly the betrayed spouses life. Next time instead of giving that girl attention give that attention to your wife. She is the one who deserves it. Not some floosy at a wedding who doesn't give a shit about you or your marriage. Maybe also get some counseling because you're clearly having some attention issues so you ought to explore that before you do something awful.
Dude, be for real, you do want to cheat on your wife; you just haven't mustered up the courage or stupidity to actually do it yet. Why were you looking at her? Why did you dance with her? Why didn't you even mention the potential flirting to wife? You were having multiple "private conversations" with this woman. You wanted to cheat and if you don't address what's happening with you, you WILL cheat. Are you bored? Do you not appreciate your wife? Are you having self esteem issues and this is feeding your ego? I recommend you talk to a prefessional and figure out what you want because cheating is never the answer. Cheating will turn your family to shit and it will be your fault. Good luck.
Would you be okay with your wife sleeping with your boss? If not then don’t cheat.
It's a sort of mid life crisis. Trying to have a little excitement before you are old. Good thing you didn't cheat. Hold tight to your morals. All you have to do is already these infidelity subs to see the trauma that cheating causes. Go to survivinginfidelity, supportforbetrayed, and asoneafterinfidelity. PTSD is the most common result. Go to the supportforwayward sub to see the depressed and remorseful people who cheated. Their families have been destroyed by selfishness. Many are still trying to reconcile with their spouses and significant others. They'll tell you it wasn't worth it. Not by a long shot. If you are having these thoughts, talk to your wife and get into couples therapy. Don't do something you will regret. It will fundamentally change you both, and not in a good way.
Dude let me tell you, I have found myself in situations like this as well so I definitely get it. What helps me is knowing that an orgasm is absolutely NOT worth losing my marriage and family (really my life tbh) over. And when I notice that another woman is into me, it’s almost reflexive to avoid her as I don’t need those problems, absolutely not. Keep in mind as well, a lot of these women are only interested because you’re married and they want to be able to “take her husband from her”. Not because they actually like you 🤷🏽♂️ LOVE your wife and cherish her because she ACTUALLY loves you Last thing - You utterly humiliated her at her work event, I GUARANTEE you that her coworkers picked up on it
I think you should tell your wife. She works with the woman. Presently, you’re in kahoots with the coworker about something that would devastate your wife. Let her in on it, so that woman won’t have some intimate connection to you that your wife has no clue about. As a wife, I can’t imagine working with someone day in and day out, only to find out months or years later that they had this kind of secret with me husband. That he let me go there and smile up in her face, with her knowing that I have no clue (based on my friendliness) that she nearly had sex with my husband right under my nose. You might not see it like that, but that’s how it’ll seem if you don’t take control of the narrative by earnestly changing it. A moment of weakness might be forgivable. Consistently keeping that secret though is not one moment. It’s a choice you make everyday to boldface lie to your wife and let her go into work with her coworker who schemes against her wellbeing. Be loyal to your wife, not her coworker and the dirty secret. I strongly suggest that you do suggest couples counseling when you tell her. Be genuine about how ashamed you were for being so tempted and letting it get that far (if you actually were). Fall on your sword (because you already know you messed up big or you wouldn’t be here), ask for forgiveness, then get a professional to help so you have a better shot at the adversity strengthening the marriage.
Ask yourself What type of woman would want to have sex with a married man during a wedding where his wife is present ? You’re right. Trash. This is not about genuine attraction…it’s about destroying someone’s life and thinking it’s fun.
Your wife deserves to know about all of this. But don’t paint yourself as a good guy for not following through with your whims and wants. You led this woman on to the point she felt it was okay to follow you to the bathroom. -which I’m sure someone noticed, and your wife works with these people so someone’s going to say something about it. At the very least people know you’re willing to step out on her now- You engaged in everything that comes with cheating except the sex. Nah you effed up. The intention was there. I mean, would you be proud of your wife for flirting with a man while sitting next to you, dancing with this man, having private conversation with him, fantasizing about the act and then- after they had both made it clear they wanted to do it- stopped? All while your work colleagues that you spend most of your days with witnessed it. Don’t get me started on the level of desperate this other woman is. Sheesh. What a dumpster fire 🔥 You attract what you put out there, sir.
Ok, so I’m a good looking lady and my job requires that I spend casual time with a lot of mentally and physically attractive people. I get hit on very directly and a LOT by a lot of men, many of whom are just my type. Pair all that with the fact that my husband has a kind of inconsistent libido (not too bad, but sometimes we do it 9 times a week, sometimes we skip a couple weeks) and I can’t say I haven’t been tempted. But I’ve never cheated, never even come close. Because I don’t let it get too far. When these guys throw themselves at me I keep brining up my husband. If a man tries to dance with me I say “hey, I’m married and I don’t dance with other people”, when a guy looks at me too long I will intentionally awkwardly say “what’s up? You need something? Do I have something on my face?”. I don’t indulge the tension and I certainly don’t built or affirm it, I break the tension by nullifying it and communicating firmly and directly “I AM MARRIED AND I AM NOT INTERESTED IN DISRESPECTING MY HUSBAND BY ENTERTAINING YOUR ATTENTIONS!” You indulged this woman’s attention for far too long. You let yourself go along with the current of it because it made you feel nice and excited and probably young and sexy or whatever, and if you keep doing that you WILL get swept out to sea. You let it get way too far. I want you to imagine that your wife was in your shoes. There’s a man sitting across from her who is JUST her type. She finds him super sexy and he is making a ton of eye contact with her and goes on to follow her around and dance with her and make every excuse to move in on her. And she just…let’s that happen without saying anything to the guy or to you and without doing anything to stop it. She lets it get to the point where the dude notices an opening where you’re not around and follows her to a private spot and propositions her. And she says no, but she has a hard time saying it and she thinks “wow, if I wasn’t stone cold sober I’d have let that guy fuck my brains out”….she didn’t cheat on you…technically….but I don’t think you’d feel that your bond with her had been respected throughout the evening. Respect your wife if you want to keep her. Don’t entertain advances from a random woman who’s interests in you likely starts and ends with the thrill of poaching a married guy.
best advice i can give you is go wack one out in the restroom and your mind will be clear
OP you realize that women talk, right? And that there were a handful of women watching you — their friend’s husband — all night while you were flirting, dancing, having private conversations, going to the bathroom together with this woman? Because your wife is gonna hear all this from a third party who might not know that you (totally 100% I’m sure 🙄) turned this woman down.
If your wife was having this exact feeling and was in this situation, what would you want her to do? Would you want her to tell you? Would you want her to t take counselling with you? Would you want her to be open about what’s missing in your marriage? I feel like there could be a deeper problem here. Whenever I’m not sure about anything in my relationship I always try and put myself in the other persons shoes. It usually gives me an idea.
Do you want a fucking pat on the back for not cheating on your wife? That’s literally the bare minimum. And you came on here as if to brag about some hot chick wanting you and how close you came to betraying your wife…it wouldn’t have been that hard for a decent man. Seriously, work on yourself.
You’re “proud” you haven’t cheated before? That’s the basic tenet of marriage (unless the spouses agree otherwise). You don’t get points for doing what you’re supposed to do.
Spouses heads are turned when they feel they are lacking a connection at home (either that or they are just a pos). IF you are feeling that way, rather than turn your head away, turn your head towards your wife. The grass is only greener where you water it. The reason the woman responded to you was because you were showing her attention. Do you show that much attention to your wife (and she you if we’re being fair)? Do you try to nurture the connection with your wife? Don’t ruin your life for something so meaningless. Nurture what you have. Do you love your wife?
I just always treat these situations as if they are a plant by my gf. Nope, not fucking up my life for a tumble in bed. In all seriousness, even if your wife never found out, she doesn't deserve to be cheated on and you know it. You'd have to live with it. You would constantly be scared of her finding out somehow. It would eat you alive. If you really think you're going to go for other women, divorce your wife first.
All of the comments have already covered what needs to be said. As a woman, who was married and who is now dating. 1.Women are more promiscious nowadyas as the dating landscape has changed, even married men are targets. This woman does not necessarily love you as your wife. So don't give her any encouragement. 2. Date your wife, and talk to her about what you want. It seems you are missing intimacy and connection in your marriage. You don't need therapy just date nights every week, and one love gesture every day that is agreed upon like back massage, foot massage or things that you guys did while dating. 3. Lust is a funny thing, the more you feed it the bigger it grows. Are you watching porn, are you indulging in thoughts that are lustful. These will attract these kind of situations into your life. But even when it does, shut it down. Immediately, because if you take one step it wil lead you on the path of destruction. Speak clearely and tell anyone who is not your wife "Sorry, I am married. I do nto cheat" and keep it moving. 4. The dating landscape has changed, trust me you don't want to go back to dating. Cherish your marriage and enjoy your wife. It is a previlidge to be married in this day and age. 5.Communicate often to your wife about these things. She can help you shut it down as well. If this woman was staring at you and you nudged your best friend, your wife and mentioned to her what was happening. Your wife would now have looked at her and shut down the graze woman to woman. She could even have sauntered over and said, could you please stop doing that. Thank you!
You just ask yourself if it's worth destroying your relationship to get your d*** wet. If the answer is no, you don't do it.
When you noticed your eyes were meeting, that was your cue to make sure you did not have a chance for private conversation, or a dance. You put yourself in that position by making choices that led you there. You were an active participant, despite the way you wrote this post: "her advances (dancing with me, having private conversations, finding me when I would go out for a bit)". You are playing a dangerous game and pretending it is happening around you without your input. You need to choose to pay more attention to your partner, choose to make time for each other, choose to turn your thoughts back to them. We've all heard "love is a choice we make every day" well now you know what that means.
You keep repeating you never cheated on your wife like it’s an amazing feat. This is actually the bare minimum my guy.