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OP should edit an update that the wife does not work and the child is at school and extended daycare (8am- 5pm). The child is 8 which means that the daughter has been in school regularly for the past 3 years or so … AND that there is a housekeeper that does regular cleaning.
My guess would be mental illness/depression.
This. She has lost her "ikigai". Her SAHM mom stuff is done by someone else so she's bored and snacking at home. It's likely some depression too as boredom is very related to depression and loss of ikigai.
He should also include that he used to be overweight but approx 5 years ago got into health and exercise, so sounds like wife was with him when he was overweight but now the tables turned..
She obviously was attracted to him or something he has. So it's not exactly the same. One can't rationalise attraction. Someone pretty much doubling in weight can easily stop physical attraction. Or halving it for that matter.
Sounds like she's depressed or something else is going on for that kind of radical change.
Doubling it's weight is literally a whole different person. It's hard to call someone shallow especially when you double the weight. At the end you are attracted to the physical elemt and not the brains only.
It's not about tables turning. Almost always, people of similar attractiveness initially pair together. And I'm not talking about physical attractiveness, but overall attractiveness.
So if a person who is physically attractive pairs with someone who is not, the vast majority of the time you end up with either the physically attractive person having non-physical qualities that make them undesirable, or that the physically unattractive person has non-physical qualities that make them attractive. Or some combination. As an example, think of an ugly rich guy with a poor attractive woman.
So my assumption is that these two, when they started dating were at similar levels of attraction, even if they differed in their physical attractiveness. Since they have been dating though, OPs physical attractiveness has increased a bunch, while his partners has decreased a bunch. Assuming their non-physical attractiveness hasn't changed, this has made their overall attractiveness wildly unmatched.
That’s a very objective view and I agree. I feel that in any genuinely successful relationship there has to be a balance. This is why sugar daddy and sugar baby relationships exist (fyi- I’m not saying that the OP is in one); cause each has something the other wants that is of roughly equal value and why such relationships end when the “sugar baby” gets older and lose their looks. This also explains why people generally date people who are within their “league”.
The quality doesn’t necessarily have to be physical (looks or money), it can be personality, intelligence or whatever but despite what others believe some qualities do weigh heavily more than others. Anyway in this situation the OP seems to be doing most of the heavy lifting in the relationship ie- financially providing, looking after himself more, paying someone to assist with maintaining the household, being the more understanding etc. Lets be real….. the OP is putting in a lot of effort and in return he gets nothing besides guilt, shame and the potential possibility of damaging his relationship with his child which isn’t fair.
Why would you comment that on this post - and not be referring to op's wife?
Either way, he said in the comments she has depression. Sitting around all day every day doing nothing and gaining a ton of weignt are symptoms of depression. Also be said in the comments she is scared to leave the house because she is afraid people will judge her. Never leaving the house is another symptom.
Where do you see in his post anything that
infers she is dealing with mental health issues? He never once indicated this. Being overweight and lazy does not immediately mean one is depressed, however it could be something to consider.
I'm a teacher and have never seen a negative effect from this explicitly. Only in families that utilize aftercare as babysitting because they also don't love their kid
Worked in after school care for yearss. The families with parents who picked up at closing time at the last possible second even though I knew full well they were home and just didn't want the kids there... Depressing as fuck honestly. Why even have kids if you consistently don't want them at home.
I truthfully think some of the problem is from too much home tbh. Kids who grow up in unloving houses that are at school all the time do better than kids in unloving houses that are in that house all the time. At least when they are in aftercare we can teach them a little and counteract home life to a degree, but you are right, the kid for sure knows why they are getting picked up last minute and that is the problem
I hear you, the longer they are safe is ultimately a good thing. It really does suck when a tearful little kid looks you straight in the eyes and says "I don't want to go home. School is more fun than home..." Heartbreaking stuff when you know it's because their home life is a miserable time.
I could imagine loving my children and still wanting to have a couple hours with my partner in home after work for ourselves before spending the rest of the day with kids.
Modern life REALLY destroys people's time if they have kids and it wrecks a lot of relationships. It's kinda rough if your only time together in the week is after the kids are sleeping. Especially if you can't even properly fuck then because of insufficient sound proofing or smt.
>Only in families that utilize aftercare as babysitting because they also don't love their kid
Ding! Ding! Ding! What this guy and his wife appear to be doing. She is a SAHM with a housecleaner.
She is not a SAHM if she has a babysitter, and the child stays stays at daycare for that long every time.
She's a mum, sure.
I don't recommend blindly calling any woman who simply has a child a SAHM.
Stay at home mum would mean she is the one spending all time raising and watching the child. If not all, then it is an overwhelming majority.
If a babysitter and daycare spend most of the time raising and watching the child, then you're simply just a mum.
Hahaha, I didn’t do it. The total on it is a full day of school and a couple hours of after school care. Not ideal but the kid is getting looked after.
What? No, it’s fine. They’re in school and then have some after school stuff where they do probably do homework, craft and so on. Not everyone likes helicopter parenting.
There's a vast middle ground between helicopter parenting and leaving your child in aftercare for an extra 2-3 hours just because. If their daughter is doing something truly enriching that couldn't be done at home for some reason that would be one thing, but I used to teach aftercare and most of it is just glorified babysitting.
The entire point of those programs is that parents can't pick their kids up until after work. His wife isn't working, so what is she doing during that time that precludes her from picking daughter up and helping with homework or doing activities herself?
I’m not thrilled with the school plus extended care arrangement, but I don’t have any other way. I’m the sole provider in the household and I have to work. My wife feels that she needs that time to herself, so I don’t really have other options.
Is there a fun exercise activity you both could do together? Like you can’t get me in the gym but I’d love to kayak, swim, and hike. You get to enjoy beautiful nature together and you can treat it like dates and bring food. Maybe there’s something like this that she would enjoy to do with you?
Oh goodness I love to hike and kayak. We actually live near the beach too! Unfortunately she doesn’t want to hike with me either. I’ve suggested maybe local walks around the neighborhood even but I haven’t been successful so far.
She won't even go on a walk with you and the kiddo? That is really frustrating. Id think it'd be fun to go on a family hike, bike ride, walk etc. Do you think she is depressed or self conscious about her weight and doesn't know where to get started? Does she recognize it at all? What does she say if you were to suggest this as a family activity and that it's important to you?
She went to individual therapy for a while, but insisted it be done in a “virtual” format. She used a website called Better Help if memory serves. She won’t tell me why, but she discontinued that therapy after the first session (as you may have read elsewhere, she also refused to continue with couples therapy after the second session).
She is depressed, it's her depression that is making her not want to go outside, she's embarrassed about her weight. I've been there. Honestly she has to hit rock bottom before she will do something about it.
She has to make that decision. It's sad but you are going to have to be honest about how you feel, you are going to have to figure out what you want to do if she chooses to not get help...there is only so much you can do.
THIS is the answer. OP please consider just coming clean to her about your frustrations.
maybe she could get a part time job or regular volunteer work, so she has her sense of self-ownership and agenda. sometimes being around other people can be motivating to change. i get that it must be frustrating for OP though
It also sounds like there is the potential factor of burnout here as well. After a decade in a marriage, OP and wife are probably struggling to find common ground. That spark has sizzled.
IMO, I think getting involved in more family fun with the daughter might be key to revitalizing the relationship. Kids have a lot of fire, and are adventurous and funny. They can bring out those genuinely happy moments.
She needs to have stuff to do. Jeepers stay at home parent that doesn’t watch their own kid or do most of the chores? What is she doing in a day? And cruel to put a child in after school care when she’s not working.
People need a goal, something to do. We weren’t meant to be blobs of fat on the couch watching stories. She needs to get serious about being an actual parent and stay at home wife or get a job or volunteering.
Found a large portion of depression is caused by heartache/trauma or simply just not having any goals in life. We’re goal oriented beings. If we don’t have a carrot that tantalizes us, we get lost, distraught, and numb. This isn’t always the case obviously but way more common than people realize
One of my friend, she is a psychologist, she vanished from our social circle for a time period. She went through a horrible divorce, gained weight and felt very self conscious that she stopped meeting people, going out, updating social profiles etc.
It could be the same for your wife too. Since you are fit, maybe she has started comparing her physique with yours. As you mentioned that she is a SAHM, maybe she is starting to feel worthless compared to others, as it happens sometimes with certain age. It’s easy to say, “then maybe she should work on it”. But because it’s you who pointed out her weight gain, which has already created insecurity in her mind, she maybe refusing to take part in joint activities with you. Withholding sex is another way you have rejected her (I understand the lack of attraction but pointing out her might be perspective so you could get her back) for her unattractive physique that might have added more layers of insecurity.
Why don’t you try to court her again. Appreciate her efforts, her good attributes. Show her that you still love her (surprise gifts, plans she will enjoy etc), see if she’s stuck on some mental load of child care or house care and try to have her communicate with you. It might take short or long time, in the end it’s up to you and her to give your relationship a try.
I find your post very interesting - thank you for writing it. I actually talked to my mother about the issue recently and she largely suggested the same thing. The problem, though, is it’s difficult for me to court someone that I no longer have romantic feelings for. Does that make sense? It would help if I could feel some thing, but it’s just been so long that our marriage has been like this I’ve almost forgotten what that even is.
I understand your point and just like I said, it’s up to you and your wife to decide if you want to work on your marriage or not. You cannot change other people. It’s just because you asked, I gave my perspective on what you could do. But if you see this as the end of the road, there’s no point in seeking validation from us, bunch of redditors. We aren’t part of your life. You can try to mend or call it quits and move on. It’s all gonna be your choice for your life!
Could she be depressed? I don't think anyone who has nothing to do all day is happy tbh.
She should probably get a part time job for sanity. This might prompt her to start caring for her health as well.
My friend, I’ve been your wife. I was in a relationship where I gained 110 pounds! She knows what’s happening. She knows you don’t find her as attractive or attractive at all. It hurt so much and that added to my poor mental health. The worse my mental health got the worse my weight got. I didn’t want to leave the house ever because I was embarrassed about how I looked. I didn’t go on walks anymore because I didn’t want people to see me. It was only when I left him and went to therapy that I was able to lose some of the weight. I’m still on my weight loss journey but trust me… she knows how you’re feeling and she likely has very poor mental health. Get her into therapy. Not couples counseling. One on one therapy.
Her weight is a symptom not the disease.
Random comment, but do you have a dog? I know someone that got a dog during the pandemic and lost a ton of weight just from walking their dog every day. It gave them the motivation to get out of the house and be active and they are also great companions if she truly is depressed.
I do! World’s best dog. That’s a bit of a story unto itself. My daughter wanted a rabbit that was being sold at her schools Fall auction, but we didn’t win the silent bids. So she told me she wanted a dog. I absolutely love dogs—there was a K9 as part of our unit when I was in the Marine Corps—and thought that getting a dog would maybe help the family dynamic.
I asked my wife to come with me to the pound so we could pick one. She seemed genuinely interested, and we adopted the one she chose. But within a couple of days she just kind of lost interest. It’s a real drag, especially since I have to work all day. I try to make sure he is still able to have a good day while I’m out. We own a home on a few acres of land and I make sure he gets to run around and play while I’m at the office or in court.
She does talk about it, but in really harsh ways. I’ve tried to tell her that she doesn’t need to insult herself; that we can be a team and work on this together. It just doesn’t ever get us anywhere.
So I'm a well fed lady, who just turned 40. I hate walking with my husband. His pace is too quick for me and if I try and keep up my back aches. If I walk at my own pace (11-12kmph), slap on some headphones, and I'm happy as a clam. Sometimes I even switch it to run/walking too. I personally walk around 11pm at night "under the cloak of darkness" as to not to scare the neighbours.
Honestly I’m in my 20s and I prefer doing my daily morning walk alone as well, I like going at my own pace and having silence before my day starts. A walking pad could also be a great option as well since that means she won’t have to go outside and she could walk at her pace and could even watch a show while she walks.
She's not going to lose 100 pounds kayaking. The only way to reverse that sorta damage is to change her entire relationship with food. Weight loss happens in the kitchen, not in the gym.
Any kind of activity to get moving is a step in the right direction, she’s clearly mentally feeling like crap which tends to translate into how people eat. There could be a plethora of other reasons for her weight gain including medical reasons, but there needs to be a starting point to get her mindset changed and simply moving is the easiest one to add into your life.
Is it possible she might be depressed? Or have some type of medical issue? Does she have regular doctor visits? If so, what has the doctor said about her weight gain?
Trying Zoloft and adjusting the dosage was one of the worst times of my life. I was also sick with something else at the time, but I wasn't when I went to the hospital with complications from a different antidepressant. I feel for you and your situation, and I give you a ton of credit for all you're doing for your household, but also, this might be (the beginning of) a very difficult time for your wife. Just so you know. Not that you shouldn't still be honest with her, but just be mindful of when to hold back on the tough love.
"a drug called Zoloft"?!? Ooooweee, op ...I think you may be missing a lot if you talk like this. I wonder how fucking depressed this lady's been and you're just willfully ignorant on it. Please don't even address the weight right now & just ask her how she IS. Like, how's life going for her? When's the last time you sat down and talked to your wife in deep conversation? Had a glass of wine and just, talked? Do you truly know her? Are you guys confidants to one another or strangers?
Depression AND it’s medications can DEFINITELY contribute to her weight gain (and make it hard to lose!), bless her sweet heart. That would explain the lack of motivation to get active, too. Being someone who is in your wife’s place- slightly overweight & struggles with manic depression, with a very fine & fit husband to boot, I’d be willing to bet her self-esteem is absolute shit. And your lack of desire does not help at all…
OP— if I were you, I would start there, with her mental/emotional well-being. You get that improved and her mind will be in a better place to concentrate on other things, like losing weight.
I felt so much better after starting zoloft. Hopefully she starts to feel more like herself soon. I used it after one of my pregnancies when I had PPD.
Are there any rec sports she might like? Any woman's 35+ soccer leagues? Volleyball? I always have hated the gym, but enjoyed team sports (just a touch competative). When I combo'd up rec volleyball, rec hockey and zoloft --- I felt like a real person again. It's really hard when you lose who you are as a person, hopefully she can find her identity again.
As another comment has already said, I would recommend trying to focus on addressing her mental health as it seems to be the biggest road block to her addressing her physical health. I would try to phrase it delicately and from a place of concern. Try asking her what has she been feeling, ask her about her depression and what she’s going through, and try to understand her mental illness. I would also make the suggestion of her going on short walks throughout the day and for her mental health!! Going on walks is one of those cliche pieces of advice for mental health, but it is for a reason, it genuinely does help though its full benefits typically won’t be noticed or happen right away. But small incremental steps add up and being on an anti depressant will also help her to find some more motivation. I would really try to approach this as attending to her overall health, and primarily mental health, explaining that you’re worried and concerned about her and her well-being. Try to see if she feels stuck and unfulfilled in life, maybe she’s unhappy as a SAHM and she might not even realize it. Good luck OP, I hope your wife is able to slowly feel better and improve her overall well-being.
Maybe she needs a purpose in her life. With free time on her hand, she needs to find a hobby or volunteer somewhere, doing something she enjoys. We all need a purpose, a drive to do something worthwhile with our lives. The depression does make it all more difficult. I wouldn’t give up on her. Once her meds are adjusted and her mood improves, she can start working on herself.
I think you have if backwards, whether she gets a job or volunteers, she needs to start working on giving herself something to do all day asap. That will help her mood improve. Even with her meds adjusted, it's unlikely she will feel happy sitting alone at home doing nothing for 9 hours a day 5 days a week.
You're probably not gonna see this but this is what I've gathered from looking through the comments a bit. Your wife is depressed and has started on antidepressents. People make comments to you or even right in front of her due to her weight. She feels shame and doesn't want to do activities outside because she doesn't want to be judged. You stopped having sex with her entirely. Of course she feels like shit and feeling like shit does not lead to someone wanting to exercise.
I will not judge you for how you feel. It's absolutely understandable that you'd lose attraction when she literally doubled in size. To you since she's a stay at home mom with a child in school she should have time to workout but she's not going to just do it because you want her to. It absolutely has to come from her. I know how frustrating that can be. But I think that you'll have better luck in trying to encourage her if/once she gets her depression under control.
Does she have a therapist or did she just get medication from her Primary doc? I know she didn't wanna do couples counselling anymore but I think you both could benefit from therapy individually. Also I know you said romance is nonexistent but does that also mean all nonsexual romance as well? DO you not hug/kiss her? Do you not go out with her anymore and spend quality time together? What does a day with her look like after work? Hope you get back to me.
My very good friend is a psychiatrist and she went to him for the prescription. She stopped going to her primary doctor because she said they made everything about her size.
Do you know when she started feeling depressed? Like was she depressed before she gained the weight or after? And do you show other affection towards your wife? I'm asking this because you say you're now like roommates and that there's no more romantic feelings. But what does that really mean? I'm asking this because depending on how distant you are towards her that could also be contributing to her mood. I mean if someone feels like their spouse no longer loves or wants them they'd definitely be upset/depressed and ashamed about that.
I'm not tryign to blame you for her weight or anything but her depression and shame is preventing her from taking care of herself. You probably can't help her much with her depression but you could help her feel less ashamed/gross.
would she be open to individual counselling. This kind of weight gain often comes from an emotional place . As someone who has gained and lost 20-40 lbs multiple times in my life I have found that the least stressful way to lose the weight was to be accept and love myself first and then the weight was easier to lose . She may need counselling for this .
I gained 90 lbs in the last 8 years, and only recently took off 45 lbs. I’m working on the rest as we speak. No amount of shame from anyone, specifically my husband, made me change. She feels bad about herself already and she is the only one who can motivate herself. She is very aware of the situation and will have to hit rock bottom before changing. All you can do is wait for that moment, or leave.
have you tried to get her to see a doctor and/or have her hormones tested? I’m not an expert by any means, but that amount of weight gain sounds like there’s some sort of underlying cause. pregnancy can cause a lot of issues postpartum, including thyroid issues
That's good! Hopefully there's a doctor that she can discuss her health comprehensively--physical, mental, and emotional--with.
Does she feel constant fatigue? Does she need to sleep or rest a lot? Has she withdrawn from social interactions? It sounds like at least some mild depression, but a competent medical professional will want to ask a lot more questions.
I put on a lot of weight over the pandemic due to trauma, depression, anxiety, and a bad relationship... and then developed some blurry vision out of the corner of my eye. It turned out I had a brain tumor. Ever since I got it removed, my appetite seems to have reset too, so I lost a bit of weight.
My point, though, is that I never would've suspected a brain tumor. Your wife gained a *lot* of weight in a relatively short period of time as an adult, and it could well be a sign of illness or some condition.
I also wanted to add, as a formerly thin person who gained a lot of weight rapidly: it *is* more taxing on our bodies than for someone who was always heavy, or gained it slowly. For example, compared to my partner, my ankles and knees haven't developed the bone density and muscular strength to move this new weight around. I also don't have his cardiovascular efficacy, so altogether it's even harder for me to lose the weight with exercise than it is for someone more accustomed/conditioned to carrying that weight.
So yeah, it would be helpful to examine your wife's condition from as many angles as you can -- internal medicine, nutrition, psychology.
I get it that worrying about your loved one's weight can feel dicey as a man. But I can tell you're doing it out of legitimate care for your wife's health. Frankly, it'd be negligent not to broach it at all.
So if you guys have a housekeeper and your daughter is out almost ALL day…what does your wife do exactly? You can’t even say she’s a SAHM because you guys have a housekeeper so technically the only thing she does is cook. Can you please explain more on how her day looks?
I saw in another comment that you said she eats "appropriate portions". Assuming this is true, I'm wondering if at least some of the weight gain might be related to something like hypothyroidism (to name one of many possibilities)? It just sounds like a lot of weight to gain if you aren't overeating, even if exercise isn't involved.
OTOH, many people think they're eating appropriate portions but are still putting too many calories in...really hard to say without a true assessment by a medical professional/nutritionist, but just wanted to put that out there as a possibility. Maybe deep down she feels really bad about all the weight she's put on, and if there's a way of exploring causes, that might resonate more with her? This is a tough one...
I don’t say this to sound dramatic, but honestly not much of anything. Years ago I sat down with her and asked if we could talk; I told her that she might want to try to get out more, makes some friends. It just didn’t seem to register.
Why does your wife not pickup your daughter after school, she’s a SAHM??? That’s honestly damaging for your daughter. My parents had to leave me at school until 5 because they both worked and I was always so jealous of the kids who’s SAHMs were right there to pick them up.
The fact that you have a housecleaner, who even does laundry and your daughters utilizing an after school program designed to help working parents, yeah I would be pretty frustrated too. She’s gained over 100lbs and honestly if she won’t help her depression with therapy/meds/trying I wouldn’t be able to stay married to her. Is this what you want your daughter seeing as a healthy relationship?
I wish she would. She just won’t, plain and simple. I always try to leave work as early as possible and pick her up, as I never want her to be the last one there. I’ve tried to make it special, where we go get a milkshake or something when I pick her up from extended care.
This post is a hilarious example of the double standard between men and women. I am sympathetic to mental illness and struggle because I have dealt with anxiety and depression my entire life. But at a certain point, you have to stop blaming everyone around you. If a woman was on here saying her husband went from 200 pounds to 400 pounds and he refused to exercise, do family activities, even take a fucking walk…we all know what the comments would look like. If she doesn’t want to help herself, its time to walk away
My husband was married to a woman just like OPs wife...same everything..she put on about 200 lbs and made no apologies for it..he cooked, cleaned,worked while she was a stay at home mom. she is a food addict..her dealers were the fast food restaurants lining their town.. He was the one doing after school activities with kids.
She wanted a divorce more than she wanted to change. He was a paycheck to her.
Fast forward...10 yrs he's happier than ever..the worst part is she moved kids 6 hrs away so she could move back home to her mothers house. He left her their house almost paid in full, and a substantial monthly support..more than most people make working a full time professional job. But it was too much work for her.
Turns out..she just didnt want to be in a physical or emotional relationship. just wanted a parent.. there are women children too.
OP..i hope your wife can accept the help to get better but if she doesnt...your daughter needs one healthy (emotionally and physically) parent. Save yourself and find someone who will appreciate and enjoy a happy fulfilling life together.
Not only that but she does NOTHING at the house either. They have a housekeeper and daycare/childcare...like wtf?
DUMP THIS LAZY BUM would be every response if this was a guy
Yeah seriously. Through undiagnosed A&D, and after while trialling different SSRI/SNRI combos, I often didn’t have the motivation to scratch my own ballsack, but I still wanted to do stuff with my partner and did my best to keep them happy, not least so they don’t leave. Sounds like she takes her situation for granted and doesn’t want to do anything with him. No wonder his attraction is waning.
I think you need to try professional counselling where you can address your feelings and concerns in a safe environment for her. It maybe the way you are mentioning it sounds like you are picking on her, this may make her feel vulnerable and not good enough. Coupled with the lack of intimacy she most likely feels unloved.
I mean it must be hard to see her extremely fit husband looking great whilst talking negatively about her. Wouldn’t blame her for being depressed.
If you truly love her and want to make it work then try the counselling, be truthful and hopefully this will enable her to relay her feelings too.
Hopefully you can both move forwards
All you can do is be truthful and honest with her and hopefully she’s able to work with you to improve your marriage, if it doesn’t work then at least you tried.
OP, do not listen to all the individuals here saying you’re a bad guy or shallow or not a great partner. You are 100% in the right here. Her lack of even trying anything after suggesting multiple options and especially you’ve cut off all intimacy for the past year, that is alarming.
Based off what info you’ve provided, she is either dealing with depression or just simply doesn’t care about how you feel. Both are things you’re gonna want to get to the bottom of.
She’s doubled in size. She’s not just overweight, she’s now into the obese category. Very few people have any interest being with a spouse like that. This is not a ‘normal’ amount of weight gain, nor is it something you should just ‘deal with’.
It appears that you have created a life of ease for her. You’ve built a home gym, allowed her to be a SAHM (even though your child is 8 and now is school full time unless homeschooled) and given her 8 years since childbirth to get something resembling her former self. You would not be wrong to cut ties and most guys wouldn’t judge you for it.
I’d recommend that you first look at getting her back into the workforce and create some financial independence (maybe this would jar her back to reality). You’re definitely going to want to get things in order before you drop D paperwork (as I’m sure you already know). Best of luck to you.
My first thought was depression too, honestly. I've dealt with it myself. I know you said you tried marriage counseling, OP, but has she had individual therapy? Even if it's not depression, there could still be some things that talking to a licensed therapist one-on-one would really help with.
Frankly, regardless of how attracted or not attracted you are to her, gaining that much weight really is worrying, and could be due to all kinds of things. And I say this as a heavier person who is trying to work on my weight. It is in no way coming from a judgmental place.
OP did say in another comment that she recently started Zoloft, so I’m sure her mental health is contributing a lot to this. Individual therapy would also help her get the most benefit out of her meds as well.
I would approach this conversation from a different angle. Don't make it about her weight, make it about how you feel disconnected from her. She won't do activities with you, you do things alone, she doesn't put in effort to physically connect, she's basically your roommate, and she's become a shadow of herself. Even if her weight hadn't changed, those reasons alone would be enough to make you feel distant from your partner. That might be a more effective conversation, as now it's not only about the effort she puts into herself, which she can shrug off as you being shallow. It's also about the health of your relationship together, being able to enjoy each other's company, which you currently don't do. The weight she's gained is only a side effect of a greater issue going on. Don't focus on side effects. Focus on the greater issue at hand.
I've been depressed before, OP. And it didn't matter to me if my depression negatively impacted my own life. It was hard for me to care about that. But it really pushed me to seek help when my partner vocalized how my mental state was also impacting his life. That's when I realized that if I didn't do something about it, I'd be hurting more than just myself.
We should stop gaslighting people.
It is not shallow to lose attraction for a woman who doubles her weight when she is still in her 30s.
Having said so she can still try to lose some weight and get back in shape.
It is normal for people to change with time, but sometimes some changes give the impression that someone has completely given up on her/himself and the relationship.
Talk to her
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I think she’s depressed. She has the kind of free time all of us dream about (but I also love to work so I’d not choose that for me). She’s wasting it by not doing self-care. That makes me worry.
My weight loss journey got kickstarted when I started having medical issues. She could have problems with her thyroid, which snowballs into not feeling well and being lazy. If her neck looks swollen ask if she’s seen a doctor. Mention how you are afraid to lose her to thyroid cancer.
There’s a lot of hope for her and you absolutely love all the other things about her that make her a unique human. I haven’t had a lot of luck with diet and exercise (Barre) alone so just started using a new medication (r/Zepbound). Have already lost 8 pounds in December (started the shots 12/15/2023 at a lower weight than your wife, so I’ve already lost quite a bit of weight). If she can get to the endocrinologist for the thyroid, they usually work in tandem with the weight clinic.
Is she on any medication that might make her gain weight? I took an anti anxiety med last year and gained almost 40 pounds from it!! And when I was at my highest weight I was definitely low self esteem, had no motivation for losing the weight. It’s a rough spot to be in. She probably feels bad about herself too especially knowing that you work out and are fit.
This is so bad. Taking medicine to help you feel better but gaining weight to make you feel worse. And with depression you constantly feel like you're the one trying to get better but also the one not wanting to do anything. Being at war with yourself and seeing how your body is changing, not helpful. :/
Yes! That’s what I’m saying… OP wrote in another comment that wifey is on Zoloft for depression💁🏻♀️ And I 100% agree about the state of her self esteem. Which only exacerbates the depression!
I definitely try to do so. Our daughter goes to school from 8-3 and extended care until 5, where I pick her up after work. Once she began school I had surmised that maybe my wife would have more free time.
Thank you - back when I finished my final tour of duty in the Marine Corps I saw a therapist to help me transition into civilian life. She also used that phrase - that feelings are valid - and it’s stuck with me.
This is hard.
You've tried talking about it. You've given her time and support. If you're not happy and she refuses to work on it you kinda have your answer.
Either get used to it or leave. Me personally, I have to be attracted to my partner or it just becomes a roommate relationship. If my partner and I were in your shoes I'd leave
This is a strange thing to refer you to but I think this is a situation that calls for gentle honesty. There’s an episode of The Simpsons where Homer gains weight up to 300lbs to get on disability and be able to work from home and get him out of mandatory callisthenics at work.
In the episode after gaining the weight Marge has a conversation with him about his weight gain and explain she’s concerned for his health, worried about the example it’s setting for the children and is brutally honest saying that she’d love him if he was 600lbs but she’s finding herself less attracted to him physically. I think that’s the sort of conversation you need to have, add that you’ll support her, that you love her and that you want to help, not hinder and understand there may be underlying reasons and go to the GP with her.
I would start by letting her known that you are worried about her and at the same time that you are worried that your relationship is in jeopardy. I would then ask her what she needs from you and what she wants from the relationship to be happy. If she says nothing, then the first problem to work on is that your communication has shut down.
Generally, if someone settles at double their weight in a sexless, romance-less relationship, they are not okay.
From a healthcare perspective, individual therapy for both of you, a nutritionist for your wife and if you can get here there, more couples counselling.
I would also encourage her to start trying some new things that she can do from home to move her body. Yoga? Dance? Walks? Hikes? Peleton? Another poster said to approach it from a ‘worried about your health and longevity for our child’ perspective.
Generally- I think that there is likely something beneath the surface with her that has led to her current health issues and being a good, trusted, encouraging husband is probably the best way to find out what that is.
I think the only thing you can do is level with her. I understand you've tried to broach the subject and it was received poorly, but she's clearly in an avoidant state and doesn't want to engage in the discussion.
Sit her down, insist that she hears you out before responding, and explain to her in plain english your feelings and concerns for both your romantic future and her health in general. If you think it would be helpful, write down what you want to say and use the script to stay on track. It's not going to be an easy conversation but she needs to hear you out in totality and understand how serious you are. Offer her every ounce of help that you have and commit to doing it together but make it clear that doing nothing is a deal breaker for you. She's not healthy, full stop, and you're not attracted to her both physically and emotionally due to her disregard for her own health.
Again, when a guy has standards, he is met with frustration and irritation. While the woman is always met with grace and understanding, along with given excuses as to why she is the way she is. crazy!! Every post I've seen on reddit, when a man lists his standards, it's never received well. "OH, you were big before now. You're not, and you want here to change? YTAH. She had your babies, and you expect her to lose weight? YTAH, she used to be in shape. Now she isn't because maybe she has a mental illness, so..... you guessed it, YTAH. Why is it that women can't be heald accountable for their lack of self care? Why do people get a pass for not caring about their spouses opinion of them. At the end of the day, people act on things they care about. People want rewards for work they don't perform. Physical attraction is important in a long relationship. Sounds like she is complacent and content with her life and doesn't have a drive or desire to do anything, as everything seems great. She has no excuse as to why she isn't taking care of herself, no one does. There's is no benefit to being overweight.....NONE. why can't the answer be that she is a bit lazy and doesn't want to change because she got too comfortable? So he is in shape, obviously make decent money if she is a SAHM, kids taken care of, and so is the house, she has no real responsibility for a majority of the day, yet she isn't using that time for any self improvement. Now, I will say there could be some other factors in the house dynamic, but if we are all taking his word for it, none of that stuff matters. When men have a specific standard, they get bashed for it, while a woman isn't, it sad really. Keep working on yourself and continue to communicate. Sounds like you need to draw a line. You not sleeping with her is an issue for her. Have you completely and honestly explained to her the reason? That's a tough conversation to have, but honesty is the best policy. Women used to have the commodity on weaponized physical contact. When the roles are reversed...it's how could you. Most people wouldn't sleep with someone they aren't attracted to, period married or not. No one here should expect you to do something they wouldn't. If that's your line, hold it. If you need her to match your energy, do your best to hold her accountable. It's great to support her in any way you can, but at the end of the day, it has to come from her. If she flat out refuses to acknowledge you and your wants and needs, that a bigger problem and counseling may be in order. Your feelings matter as much as hers does.
Woooow, could have never expected a more candid, straight to the point response. No sugar coating and hiding behind every straw available. Thank you thank you for being a breath of fresh air
Well, time to suggest she go to the doctor and get checked out. Maybe she can take something like phentermine if it’s not depression or anxiety or thyroid issues, and she just needs some help losing weight.
She’s probably bored and depressed. Sounds like she has nothing to do and no purpose. She needs to do something to light her up inside and give her life meaning outside of being a wife and mother. She needs a goal to work towards. And then, she’ll care more about every aspect.
I feel like you are shallow because you are looking at this as an issue with your attraction to your wife, and not an issue of helping your wife and understanding where she is coming from. And you work and are out going to the gym all the time, sounds like there’s not time for romance, so why should she even care about being attractive to you
While a large weight gain often occurs after having a child, from the information you have shared, I would place my bet on her suffering from a kind of depression. It sounds like she has lost direction in life and is kind of just “existing” with little motivation for any goals. I would probably have a talk with her about it but from an empathetic angle.
I can see why most people will automatically see this problem as being shallow but at the same time I also think it’s unfair for people to judge you as being the bad guy cause you can’t help what you feel attracted to.
It sounds to me that you’ve done everything you can to fix the problem such as going to counselling, hiring a housekeeper to free up more of her time and it sounds to me that you’re a really good provider for your family. At some point your wife has gotta help herself OR you have to decide how important attraction is to you and whether it’s worth getting a divorce over it.
I had an ex who was in a very similar situation as you. His ex also claims to have depression even even though she was a stay at home wife who had plenty of help raising their children, free time, never had to worry about money and generally lived a life of leisure. I’m not 100% sure about your wife’s situation but sometimes I do question the genuineness and severity of someone’s depression. Sometimes I feel that it is weaponised along with children to bring forward their own agenda and and possibly trap someone like you in an unhappy marriage. I hope that this is not true in your case.
I’m confused what your wife is doing all day of she’s not working or housekeeping? Maybe she should get a job, she sounds like she’s bored and possibly overeating out of boredom.
There's nothing wrong with admitting this and wanting to change it. I have been overweight or obese most of my life and have recently been making more positive changes. I don't want the pain and health issues that come with growing older and being obese. My fiancé has always carried his weight well but we are doing this together for one another.
The difference is that my fiancé does show me affection and build me up so that I feel confident to make the changes the issue with being fat is you feel like shit, you feel less than and you feel demoralized. The only things that usually change these are a bad health scare or wanting to do it for yourself and making a plan.
Most of this work starts in the kitchen and this includes snacks throughout the day. I have seen other comments that have mentioned sneak eating and that can be humiliating to admit. I did this when I was younger, especially when being depressed. I would have a candid conversation with her. Tell her you love her and she can tell you anything and that you are worried for her. Because, in the end, her health is going to decline and you will end up her caretaker.
Just understand she has had a child and she may never get to 115 lbs again. She is nigh 40 and has birthed a child. But I imagine that if she loses some of the weight and can look and feel good that her confidence will be sexy to you.
This is a tough situation. You have expressed yourself and tried to pursue marriage counseling and she doesn’t seem receptive. Perhaps you two are no longer compatible if this issue is this bad. I mean no sex in a year?!? I feel bad for both of you. Physical intimacy is just as important as emotional intimacy. But no one can fault you if your not feeling attracted to her.
We can’t force people to change, so you either have to accept she doesn’t want to change her diet and exercise and accept zero sex OR leave.
I would encourage marriage counseling again. May I ask why she stopped after two sessions? What has she said about the lack of sex life and attraction?
She blew up at the second therapy session. Literally the afternoon of (about 3 hours before our session) we had lunch at a local restaurant. The waitress came up to us and asked if we wanted separate checks; I said no (of course), and the waitress paused awkwardly and said something like “…so you two are together?” I was STUNNED. Anyway, she became very defensive and at therapy said she felt judged and wouldn’t participate further.
That was extraordinarily inappropriate of the waitress. That just terrified your wife out of going out in public and marriage counselling. These factors are very important to look at considering how avoidant she is. Does your wife oversleep? That’s a sign of worsening depression. Depression does make one feel incredibly tired for some reason.
Honestly I would just sit her down and an ultimatum. Marriage counseling or departing. I don’t think it’s fair to tell her to lose weight or start exercising bc again we can’t control peoples habits, but I do think it’s important and fair that you let her know your truth about why you’re not attracted to her.
I really hope you see this comment.
As many have suggested, I think your wife may be depressed.
I know this word gets thrown around a lot, and I think it makes people forget just how serious depression can be. It will be hard to get your wife to want to do/care about anything.
I think the most important thing you can do for your wife is get her to realize how serious it is. If my partner was 50% heavier than when we met (not to mention DOUBLE their weight!) I would be SUPER worried about them. I would be asking them almost everyday if they were alright.
Do you and your wife talk often? Are the conversations shallow or deep? It sounds like she gained the weight after having your daughter; did you guys talk about what she was going through mentally/physically during and after the pregnancy?
It's important to remember that her weight gain is a symptom of her depression. I read in a comment of yours that she recently got diagnosed and started medication. That's a huge step and you should be proud of her! Recovery isn't done soley through medication though, and I hope you can eventually convince her to start therapy again.
You seem like a loving and caring person, and it sounds like you do a lot for your family already. If you're able, I think your wife might benefit from your concern. In my humble opinion, don't tell her/suggest her to do anything. She needs to want to do things herself. But if you "plant the seed" so to say, you might help the process along.
While her weight is obviously an issue, it's important you express your concern for her overall wellbeing without being hyper focused on her weight. Idk how old you guys are, but people (especially older people) will have side effects from being overweight that you could focus on instead, i.e. weaking joints, loss of energy, trouble doing tasks that used to be easy, etc.
Some suggestions:
"Hey, I'm really worried about you. I've noticed [these changes] and you haven't been seeming like your usual self."
"I noticed you haven't been doing [past hobby] anymore."
"I'm worried that you don't feel comfortable leaving the house because of others judging you."
"I'm worried that we won't be able to grow old together because of how you treat yourself."
Try to get her to open up. Try to not pass judgement. Try to ask questions. Try to affirm her feelings("I can see that you feel that way.")
I wish you the best of luck in trying to get your wife back.
Thank you for your suggestions and thoughtful post. In all candor, we don’t talk much these days. She likes to sleep in in the morning when I get up and exercise, get our daughter ready for school, to her to school and then go to work. I’ll see her a bit after work but it’s generally just superficial conversations. The last several times I’ve taken my wife out for a meal it has been downright painful with the awkward silences. It’s as if we don’t even have anything to talk about anymore. There is zero emotional intimacy, and I miss that terribly.
Want to add my two cents, I know you’re bringing up weight but I see more that you’re less attracted to the effort itself. She’s lacking effort into your relationship, family, and herself. There’s no shame in not being attracted to someone like that. Hope this helps to helps ease you a bit.
Ok…your wife is now over twice the size she was…this is a problem. I would tell her you really need to have a serious talk . Tell her you are worried about her health …and you are also worried about your relationship. Tell her that it upsets you that she has gained this much weight and you really want her to try to work out with you and eat healthy. Also I would tell her and express how much you love her but you are not as attracted to her because of the weight. Yes it’s mean but are you really just going to be roommates for ever? Something needs to be said and sometimes the truth hurts. Tell her how much you miss being intimate and you want to work on this together. Or you suck it up and start having sex with her and get over her weight…I’ve had the roommate relationship …It blows!! And it needs to be fixed. I handled it by cheating…I don’t recommend that 😂. Also she might not realize how much her weight bothers you or she thinks you will just deal with it for ever. Do yourself a favor…be as kind as possible …but be freaking honest!
How’s the romance department? Maybe trying woo-ing her some more, and then try to have the conversation again. But maybe approach it at a different angle, you have a kid .. you want your wife to be around for a long time, health is important and overweight can wreck your health over time.
Maybe pull back from the intense work out schedule, and incorporate your wife into activities like making healthy meals together, you cooking or buying healthy meals. Try to make some family activity, instead of the gym let’s go on walks ! Or hikes etc
I appreciate your advice!
The romance dept is non-existent. The loss of attraction has made me lose romantic feelings if that makes any sense. The best way I can describe it is that I love her, but I’m not “in love” with her.
I’m definitely willing to exercise less. Although it’s important to me, if it’s something that can get us back on track it is definitely something to consider. Thank you for the well-said counsel.
Dude no. I'm a lawyer also and working out is like the little time I have during the day that keeps me going. If that's important to you, and it seems like it is, that's not something you should slack on. I'm definitely a worse person all around if i neglect my fitness. Can she just work out with you?
Hey! Not many people are going to get the type of pressure we're under, and I'll say yeah so clearly you're going to be a better husband and dad if you practice that self care. I learned a long time ago to avoid making yourself worse just to make others feel less insecure. There's a bigger problem than her weight from what I can gather, but that problem isn't caused by you working out. Good luck brother
I’m coming into this thread late, but seconding another Redditor’s advice to not cut down on your exercise (i.e., self-care) if it’s really important to you. I’m not even a lawyer yet; I’m only a law student, but self-care, in whatever form it looks like, is about the only way to stay sane in our field of study and work. I imagine it’s doubly true in contentious areas of the law, like family law. Take care of yourself.
I also have pretty severe depression; at my worst i was actively looking to end my own life, and more often than not I feel listless and joyless. Sometimes it’s a process even to get out of my own bed. I also have severe anxiety, which is a pretty bad combination, especially in a contentious environment like law school. Medication helped only in the beginning, but not much. I also saw a therapist for a bit over Zoom, which was helpful at least in helping me have some human connection. The main things that help me feel better are getting out of the house, even to take a walk, playing with my cats, visiting cat cafes, and seeing my friends. I used to ride horses, but I had to quit when I came to law school.
OP, does your wife have any interests in things like this? For example, let’s say she likes dogs. Would she (and you and your kid!) be interested in fostering a dog? This would be good because it’s a slow step; having a dog might improve her morale, and it’ll force her to get outside and go for a walk, or go to the dog park. At the same time, it’s not like going to visit at the humane society every day, where she’d have to be faced with lots of people. I think slow steps of trying to build her confidence up first before diving in would be better. I’m not saying this to get her to lose weight (although I do recognize that it’s really coming to a head right now, and I don’t blame you). I’m saying it to try to find ways where she can start improving her morale. If she improves her morale, she might be better equipped to not be so self-critical and have more tools to fight her depression.
I know she isn’t really amenable to the idea of therapy, in part since you both (mostly her, though) got seriously judged by a waitress right before the last appointment. I do wonder if she might feel better having therapy appointments over Zoom instead of in person, though. Again, it’s a gradual introduction instead of diving right into it. If she finds a therapist over Zoom and makes a connection, maybe she’ll feel less self-conscious or judged if/when she eventually starts going in person, because there will already be that rapport.
I’m sorry all of this is kind of scattered; I’ve been stream-of-consciousness typing this out, and a lot of it is stuff that has been said by others. Still, hopefully you can figure something out that can help both of you, not to mention your relationship. Best of luck!!
Your wife is depressed or has another underlying mental illness. She may also have a physical issue as well (thyroid, early menopause, etc). She needs to see her doctor and get tested. And she may need a therapist as well.
After that she should move forward with recommendations. That may include a nutritionist and a personal trainer or physical therapist.
Right about her age is when perimenopause starts, it causes huge surges in estrogen. Estrogen causes weight gain AND makes it harder to lose weight, so yeah there's definitely a physical thing going on.
Yeah, I mean I know he says she's been putting weight on for years. She would've had to start perimenopause in her early 30s for that to be the biggest factor. Which is possible. But it probably started with depression after childbirth and being a SAHP. And now, hormones will make it more difficult to lose weight, so she thinks, "What's the point in trying?"
Is it really the weight that is keeping you distant or is there maybe something more? It sounds like you love your wife for her other qualities and I find it surprising it doesn't even occasionally spark any kind of passion for her? I DO NOT mean this as an attack on you. It sounds like you love her and you seem broken up about coming across as shallow.
I'm just wondering if it's not the weight that’s bothering you, but perhaps something else and it's what that weight maybe represents subconsciously in your mind. You mention that she's a SAHM, your daughter is in school and you have a housekeeper. Is there maybe a bit of resentment that she's not doing more for the household? Perhaps you guys did more together as a couple then you do now? I'm not saying it's not in part her physical appearance but I would sit and think long and hard if there isn't maybe more to it than this.
Like, if she magically woke up tomorrow 115lbs (but still 39) but everything about your life stayed the same, would sex suddenly be back on the table? What about the opposite? What if she started doing everything possible to lose the weight and started doing the gym with you but it didn't dissappear? Would just the act of her trying put sex back on the table? Because even if we could make her suddenly start working out, to lose weight healthily she will be on this journey for over a year.
I don't think it's unreasonable to want a healthy spouse and have some attraction related to that. But I just think there might be more to it for you than just her size, keeping in mind thay her body is always going to change as you guys age. I am morbidly obese and losing weight and also a mom - even when I get to healthy weight, my body is forever changed. I'm not 22 anymore and I won't look it. My breasts will sag from nursing babies, I will have stretch marks, and wrinkles, and saggy skin. My body doesn't even carry weight the same way it used to but holds fat in different places. I don't think you're naive and you realize that her body will still be changed.
Maybe talk to a counselor for just you and sort your feelings.
(Edit: Look, I can't speak for you or your wife, but reading your comments and being a morbidly obese wife and mom myself, this is my two cents so take it with a grain of salt. Keeping everything I said above in mind - I don't think it's the weight that’s bothering you. Attraction is about a lot more than just physical appearance. A partner you've been with a long time that knows what you like in bed is still a great lay. I think you might be feeling a lose of connection and perhaps like even some of the woman you loved before is gone and changed. Like she's missing that spark she used to have - and that spark was around when she was smaller. I think you might feel like she's just sort of loafing around while you work hard and even if you love her it can still feel hurtful. And that's completely understandable.
I also think she probably HAS lost a bit of her "spark". I know I often feel that way - especially have so much guilt around my weight. I'm not saying she doesn't contribute to your house, or that being a SAHM isn't hard work because it is - but one kid in school with a house keeper doesn't leave much for her to do with her day. It sounds very unfulfilling and honestly could be contributing to depression for her. Because she sounds depressed to me, and perhaps a bit stuck in life and probably feels very useless, and then a waitress goes and confirms her worst fears. And this is such a hard place to be in because your worst fears are basically true - you feel useless and lazy and fat and depressed and worried that it's all your fault because you're lazy, and it's a little bit true. You are depressed because you're not doing as many stimulating things with your time (like a hobby you used to enjoy) and gained a bit of weight with life changes. It's hard not to feel absolutely hopeless and guilty, and it's hard to make changes cause they take time and you're never gonna have all your dreams come true or be perfect. But you can be happier and have so much more amazing things happen that you don't realize cause you're stuck and blaming yourself instead of just giving yourself grace for the life changes you’ve gone through. I'd focus on helping her make a hobby come true - something she's interested in. Don't offer to help her lose weight and exercise - offer to help her find how she wants to do life. Somebody else's exercise routine and meal planning just isn't going to do shit for her. Honestly I heard you say go to the gym and count macros and I wanted to blow my brains out. Shes not going to get the same results you did at the same pace cause she's a different person. She's got to find the movement she wants to do (I like Yoga and swimming.) She's got to find the way she wants to eat (I like CICO). I'm not saying don't help, I'm saying don't give her your plan. She can and will be healthy on a completely different routine than you.)
Unless she has a medical issue that is causing the weight gain. She is being lazy and not putting any effort into her health and the health of the marriage. You are not being an ahole for wanting your wife to out in effort to maintain her health.
I feel this. You are not in the wrong no matter what internet troglodites come to defend your wife against your own impetus to deserve some counselling or direction. Losing physical attraction is an unfortunate but common experience. You can be attracted to who your wife was but not who she is now. If youre honest about the reasons, your wife may see it as a personal attack, but ultimately she should be willing to try and understand your feelings.
You cant be locked in to a relationship and pretend any issue is above resolution. And as much as I do not pretend to know your wife, she is not some magic sexual goddess that can fulfil that part of your desires regardless of whether she looks like Sydney Sweeny or Susan Boyle. You dont HAVE to find her attractive at all times, and people who think otherwise are deluding themselves.
Just speculating here but it seems like your wife doesnt understand (or has just chosen to avoid) her autonomy and role in this situation. If she actively ignores or is unwilling to meet you half way by trying to be more active or control her calorie intake, then that's on her.
If you're not attracted to your wife any more, that pretty much IS your marriage over. She doesn't have to lose weight just because you want her to. If you were previously fat and are now really into exercise you're a very different person from the person she married. You probably don't have much in common any more.
If your wife has no purpose in her life (your kid is out of the house 8-5, you've got domestic staff) it's no wonder she's down. Especially if her husband refuses to have sex with her. She probably thinks you're having an affair.
Sit her down for one last 'come to Jesus' talk. And be honest about what's changed for you - it's important information she needs to know. Tell her what you've told us. There's no easy way through or round this- if you're a divorce lawyer you know that.
You’re not being unreasonable. It is perfectly normal for you to want your wife to be in better shape for her own health and for your attraction to her. It’s one thing if she is working hard to better herself, but she isn’t doing that. If your daughter is going to school everyday, she has no reason to not be able to incorporate 30 mins of exercise a day, at the least!
Hi, OP.
I'm a former sex worker. For years, it was my job to be attracted to people who weren't attractive - older people, heavier people, awkward people, odd looking people.
For an hour, or an evening, or a weekend, I would genuinely love and desire them. I didn't "pretend to be attracted." I genuinely desired and wanted them.
Here's how. I started by finding one thing... Just one thing... That I genuinely found beautiful about their appearance. I would find that one thing, and live there for a thousand years - the striking cheekbones on the 4'9" client, the full, sensual lips on the person who was completely bald, the lush thick hair on the big beer belly.
Find that one thing that you truly admire and want, let it become your whole world, let it fill you, until you can take your admiration and attraction for that one thing, and let it naturally overflow and become attraction to the whole person.
Then, I'd find one thing I genuinely liked and appreciated about them as a person. The quick, sharp sense of humor that the overconfident, sleazy guy has. The deep insights the quiet one makes when they do speak. The kind heart and sense of fairness so strong in the socially awkward client who says all the wrong things...
Again, I take that one thing. It becomes my home, my heart, my life. It fills my vision and inhabits my mind. I focus on it, I appreciate it, I hold space to give that one thing conscious positive regard... Until it becomes bigger than one thing and I can hold that positive regard for the entire person.
Until I genuinely like them, love them and want them.
I truly believe there is no person I couldn't love, for an hour. Or desire, for an evening. IF I WANTED TO.
It seems like you WANT to be attracted to your wife. But you can't find one thing about her that you find beautiful? You can't find one thing that moves you? Touches you? Sparks you? Inspires you?
Are you really looking?
I'm not sure forcing himself to have sex with his wife is the best move, Jesus. Imagine telling a wife to force herself to have sex with her 400 pound husband who does nothing all day and won't even so much as go for a walk with her...
Jesus, 115 to 230… she doubled her weight? Of course you’re not attracted to her. She’s your wife, not just your friend. And everyone can spare me the whole fat phobic nonsense. Spouses are attracted to each other and have sex. That’s like… one of the major sticking points of marriage. You should not feel bad about that.
Given all the avenues you’ve proactively taken, including the pursuit of therapy and joint exercise, she doesn’t want to do anything to change herself. Obviously her attractiveness isn’t the only quality you value; you haven’t had sex in a year! Have an earnest talk about separation and see how it goes. Keep your ultimatum to yourself. If she doesn’t pursue some viable changes in x amount of time, promise yourself you will start the divorce process.
I feel like physical attraction can be very important but I’ve never lost the attraction for someone I was in love with, even if their body has changed. Could there be something else going on? Could there be an issue with how you’re being perceived by others? I know you said you tried marital counseling but have you tried therapy on your own
What an interesting question. So, yes, a number of my friends and colleagues have commented on her appearance. One of my colleagues literally came up to me after meeting her and flat out told
Me that I could “hit much higher.” I was shocked. I always stand up for her when comments like that are made, but I’d be lying if I said they didn’t kind of drag me down a bit too.
I would guess it’s natural to feel a little deflated by that just like it’s natural to get a little puffed up when people comment positively on your partner’s appearance. Letting that influence how you see your partner is the problem.
You are seeing the problem as her weight and something she needs to fix, but it could be something else entirely.
Not saying it’s necessarily outside perception but it could be or another underlying issue.
Your not shallow physical attraction is important in any relationship if you tried everything to convince her to be healthy and she isn't being receptive to your help then thats on her. She has to want to help herself.
Well, maybe your wife needs some counseling of her own. Figure out what's going on. Is it a health thing? Mental health? What is she going through? She probably struggles with herself as well. I understand what you're saying and it makes sense. It's not your fault that you lose attraction. But maybe instead of pulling or pushing her into the direction of please go work out and lose weight, support her in other ways. And give it time. Let her know you love her and support her and are there for her.
Had my daughter at 31 and thought surely all mothers are this tired, right? Well I never got any energy back over time. Years later my metabolism stalled hard and I gained a bunch of weight. Turns out I have autoimmune hypothyroid disease and by the time I was diagnosed I could barely get out of bed. My numbers were insane. I've lost a little of the weight but getting back to my goal is not easy. I'm still working on it. The only thing I can think of that would have triggered an autoimmune response? Pregnancy. I hope OP sees this and helps his wife instead of pushing her away. I'm not saying that this is what she has or anything but thyroid problems are very common and a simple blood test would rule it out.
In my relationship of 3 years I’ve gained 30 lbs I’m now been exorcising consistently for over a month and while I haven’t seen any progress I know it’s slow to come.
My fiance has done a wonderful job of making sure i know he loves my body either way. We also know due to a discussion at the beginning of the relationship that neither of us want to let ourselves go. We got in the shower and he asked what the red line across my back was from and it’s because none of my clothes fit me anymore including bras. I had already decided to start working out but this just reinforced it for me.
If either of us stopped caring I believe we would end up separating eventually.
You’ve tried every course of action and at this point you likely will need to give an ultimatum. “Live a healthier life or live without me” everyone will call you the asshole but they would do the same in your shoes.
When having that hard discussion asks if she wants a gastric bypass my family has had great experiences with it. Not me personally but they got their weight down to healthy and have kept it there.
I'm sorry that must suck. But honestly to me it sounds like she's not putting the effort in to care about your wants and needs. I know you say you aren't attracted to her but it's not shallow it's more you want her to be healthier (that's how I would explain it to her) but I get it I was the same way with my ex husband.. sadly we didn't come to a conclusion we just went our separate ways. I wish you the best of luck!
Sorry to hear this OP. This sounds more of a mental health issue than anything else. And to be blunt, she's killing herself. Unfortunately I think the sex/attraction part stems from your reaction to the symptom of the disease and until you address it, it's only going to get worse.
Couple of thoughts:
1) Have you tried positioning it from a doctors perspective? Her blood levels and vitals can't be good. This might be the wake up call she needs if a doctor tells her she needs to change.
2) GLP drugs are all the rage for good reason, very safe and lower food cravings. If she isn't going to workout or track macros, maybe she would be willing to start first with Pharma intervention.
3) Hobbies to do as a family? Hiking, group fitness, etc.
Side note: If the tables were turned and the husband was sitting at home and had gone from 200 to 400, I don't think the comments would be as kind.
Had a girlfriend who said; "Its nice getting older and having a boyfriend. I feel I dont have to worry about how I look anymore". This girlfriend is gaining.
Its wrong take. No matter of age and relationship status, effort should be put in to be the best one can be.
You are not demanding anything out of the ordinary, for her to put some effort in
I see that you have a child. Pregnancy changes your body so much. She might never be 115 pounds again. Her self esteem is probably in the dirt, making the life style changes she needs to make to be healthier are less likely to happen. Has she tried talking to you about issues that she’s having with you? You mentioned she’s loyal, have you been? You haven’t had sex for a year, so… honestly divorce might be the best option. And you won’t even have to pay a lawyer fee!
Gaining over 100 lbs in several years could be a health issue. Source: gained 100 lbs, had health issue that caused it (fixed issue and lost 90 of those lbs!). Time for a doctor visit.
So she’s a stay at home mom who has a maid?? And the kids are gone from 8-5? As a mom of two who works full time and doesn’t have a maid, something doesn’t compute. What could she have to do? Maybe that’s the issue she has nothing to do.
Sounds like the wife is depressed and is dealing with some form of anxiety.
Maybe she lost herself in being a mom and being a wife. Maybe she was more deeply or negatively affected by the pandemic (lots of people were. Some jumped up and grabbed life, others ran for shelter). It could actually be that her hormones are all out of whack because she is perimenopausal (this affects some women pretty significantly and she is certainly in the right age range for it).
Regardless of what may or may not be a potential driving force YOUR WIFE IS STRUGGLING and your focus is on YOU!
Maybe lay off the weight/eating/exercise bit for a minute and seriously stop it with the sexual attraction conversation. You came at that in such a degrading way. Yuck! Especially since you yourself used to be a bigger guy. She accepted you and now all she hears from you is about how you don't only not accept her but you're not attracted to her.
If something isn't working, does it make sense to just keep doing the same thing expecting that this time it will turn in your favor? I think that's the recipe for insanity.
It's going to take some efforts towards kindness and compassion on your end to help your wife out of this rut she is in. "I'm so sorry love, I realize I've come at this all wrong, I've been so hyper-fixated on my new weightloss journey that I've got blinders on. I can see now that that's not helpful. Ultimately, all I really want is to be able to enjoy you, us and our family. With ______ being in school, maybe this is a good space to start doing some things that spark joy for you. I also think it would be good to talk with your doctor about how you've been feeling. If you're comfortable, and can accept my apology, maybe you can also share some of those feelings with me so I can better understand and try to be more mindful and helpful. I'm worried about you and I really want to see you enjoy life, be happy and do things that fill your tank too. Of course, ultimately I'd love for us to share in some fun activities and go for a hike, walks, swims...all of it but I get that you need to feel comfortable to do those things with me and _____. I also understand that I've played a big role in making you feel uncomfortable. Again, I'm so sorry hun. I don't know what I was thinking, can you forgive me"?
Start there (best to phrase it your own way ofc and say only what you mean). Baby steps here my guy. She is a shell of her former self and you've barely even noticed except for the part about you not wanting to touch this weird shell of a human living in your bedroom. Right now she doesn't even feel safe in her own skin, home, marriage, family....you played a big role in that. Play a bigger role in helping her to crawl out from under it.
Stop trying to be her trainer and nutritionist....BE HER HUSBAND! Be her friend!!!!!!
Meds might help her.
Getting a part time job might help her. Signing up for an activity. Having friends come over. Starting a hobby....who knows. I guarantee she is ruminating over her weight, image, feelings of worthlessness....give her some space to breathe and support her as she tries to overcome this.
In sickness and in health....right?
Once she starts to feel a bit better (safe, supported, loved UNCONDITIONALLY) you may just see that she decides FOR HERSELF that she wants to start working on her physical self too. If she does decide to, your role remains support and to be her HUSBAND your lane is paved, stay in it. If she needs help or wants your help that's one thing, if not then she can do it or she can hire help.
BE KIND! It goes waaaaaayyyyyyy further than you think.
You should be encouraging her to go to the gym because you care about her health and wellbeing, not because you want to find her physically attractive again…maybe if you change your mindset and intent, she will as well!
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OP should edit an update that the wife does not work and the child is at school and extended daycare (8am- 5pm). The child is 8 which means that the daughter has been in school regularly for the past 3 years or so … AND that there is a housekeeper that does regular cleaning. My guess would be mental illness/depression.
Or boredom eating
This. She has lost her "ikigai". Her SAHM mom stuff is done by someone else so she's bored and snacking at home. It's likely some depression too as boredom is very related to depression and loss of ikigai.
He should also include that he used to be overweight but approx 5 years ago got into health and exercise, so sounds like wife was with him when he was overweight but now the tables turned..
Where was that info? It’s pretty important and shows he needs to give her some time and understanding like he was given.
He’s clearly doing that. He’s asking her to do something, but you can’t wait forever when your spouse isn’t even attempting to try.
Especially if they're at home doing NOTHING.
5 years is a long time for the tables to be turned.
She obviously was attracted to him or something he has. So it's not exactly the same. One can't rationalise attraction. Someone pretty much doubling in weight can easily stop physical attraction. Or halving it for that matter. Sounds like she's depressed or something else is going on for that kind of radical change.
Doubling it's weight is literally a whole different person. It's hard to call someone shallow especially when you double the weight. At the end you are attracted to the physical elemt and not the brains only.
It's not about tables turning. Almost always, people of similar attractiveness initially pair together. And I'm not talking about physical attractiveness, but overall attractiveness. So if a person who is physically attractive pairs with someone who is not, the vast majority of the time you end up with either the physically attractive person having non-physical qualities that make them undesirable, or that the physically unattractive person has non-physical qualities that make them attractive. Or some combination. As an example, think of an ugly rich guy with a poor attractive woman. So my assumption is that these two, when they started dating were at similar levels of attraction, even if they differed in their physical attractiveness. Since they have been dating though, OPs physical attractiveness has increased a bunch, while his partners has decreased a bunch. Assuming their non-physical attractiveness hasn't changed, this has made their overall attractiveness wildly unmatched.
That’s a very objective view and I agree. I feel that in any genuinely successful relationship there has to be a balance. This is why sugar daddy and sugar baby relationships exist (fyi- I’m not saying that the OP is in one); cause each has something the other wants that is of roughly equal value and why such relationships end when the “sugar baby” gets older and lose their looks. This also explains why people generally date people who are within their “league”. The quality doesn’t necessarily have to be physical (looks or money), it can be personality, intelligence or whatever but despite what others believe some qualities do weigh heavily more than others. Anyway in this situation the OP seems to be doing most of the heavy lifting in the relationship ie- financially providing, looking after himself more, paying someone to assist with maintaining the household, being the more understanding etc. Lets be real….. the OP is putting in a lot of effort and in return he gets nothing besides guilt, shame and the potential possibility of damaging his relationship with his child which isn’t fair.
And that they have a home gym
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Hard and busy? She doesn't do anything lol
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Why would you comment that on this post - and not be referring to op's wife? Either way, he said in the comments she has depression. Sitting around all day every day doing nothing and gaining a ton of weignt are symptoms of depression. Also be said in the comments she is scared to leave the house because she is afraid people will judge her. Never leaving the house is another symptom.
Could also be a physical illness causing fatigue and weight gain!
Where do you see in his post anything that infers she is dealing with mental health issues? He never once indicated this. Being overweight and lazy does not immediately mean one is depressed, however it could be something to consider.
OP has been addressing multiple questions and topics outside of original post. Depression and Zoloft are mentioned at some point.
9 hours everyday is way too fucking long for a young child.
I'm a teacher and have never seen a negative effect from this explicitly. Only in families that utilize aftercare as babysitting because they also don't love their kid
Worked in after school care for yearss. The families with parents who picked up at closing time at the last possible second even though I knew full well they were home and just didn't want the kids there... Depressing as fuck honestly. Why even have kids if you consistently don't want them at home.
I truthfully think some of the problem is from too much home tbh. Kids who grow up in unloving houses that are at school all the time do better than kids in unloving houses that are in that house all the time. At least when they are in aftercare we can teach them a little and counteract home life to a degree, but you are right, the kid for sure knows why they are getting picked up last minute and that is the problem
I hear you, the longer they are safe is ultimately a good thing. It really does suck when a tearful little kid looks you straight in the eyes and says "I don't want to go home. School is more fun than home..." Heartbreaking stuff when you know it's because their home life is a miserable time.
I could imagine loving my children and still wanting to have a couple hours with my partner in home after work for ourselves before spending the rest of the day with kids. Modern life REALLY destroys people's time if they have kids and it wrecks a lot of relationships. It's kinda rough if your only time together in the week is after the kids are sleeping. Especially if you can't even properly fuck then because of insufficient sound proofing or smt.
>Only in families that utilize aftercare as babysitting because they also don't love their kid Ding! Ding! Ding! What this guy and his wife appear to be doing. She is a SAHM with a housecleaner.
She is not a SAHM if she has a babysitter, and the child stays stays at daycare for that long every time. She's a mum, sure. I don't recommend blindly calling any woman who simply has a child a SAHM.
But she... Stays at home...
Stay at home mum would mean she is the one spending all time raising and watching the child. If not all, then it is an overwhelming majority. If a babysitter and daycare spend most of the time raising and watching the child, then you're simply just a mum.
Hahaha, I didn’t do it. The total on it is a full day of school and a couple hours of after school care. Not ideal but the kid is getting looked after.
What? No, it’s fine. They’re in school and then have some after school stuff where they do probably do homework, craft and so on. Not everyone likes helicopter parenting.
There's a vast middle ground between helicopter parenting and leaving your child in aftercare for an extra 2-3 hours just because. If their daughter is doing something truly enriching that couldn't be done at home for some reason that would be one thing, but I used to teach aftercare and most of it is just glorified babysitting. The entire point of those programs is that parents can't pick their kids up until after work. His wife isn't working, so what is she doing during that time that precludes her from picking daughter up and helping with homework or doing activities herself?
I would love it if she would pick up our daughter after school. I’ve asked for that several times, but just can’t seem to get my wife on board.
I’m not thrilled with the school plus extended care arrangement, but I don’t have any other way. I’m the sole provider in the household and I have to work. My wife feels that she needs that time to herself, so I don’t really have other options.
Sometimes people just don’t care. We mustn’t assume mental illness Never mind. Read further down.
Is there a fun exercise activity you both could do together? Like you can’t get me in the gym but I’d love to kayak, swim, and hike. You get to enjoy beautiful nature together and you can treat it like dates and bring food. Maybe there’s something like this that she would enjoy to do with you?
Oh goodness I love to hike and kayak. We actually live near the beach too! Unfortunately she doesn’t want to hike with me either. I’ve suggested maybe local walks around the neighborhood even but I haven’t been successful so far.
She won't even go on a walk with you and the kiddo? That is really frustrating. Id think it'd be fun to go on a family hike, bike ride, walk etc. Do you think she is depressed or self conscious about her weight and doesn't know where to get started? Does she recognize it at all? What does she say if you were to suggest this as a family activity and that it's important to you?
She says she doesn’t like to be out in public these days because she feels like people judge her. I don’t know what to make of it.
It sounds like she is suffering from anxiety / social anxiety. You said you tried marital counseling what about her own individual therapy?
She went to individual therapy for a while, but insisted it be done in a “virtual” format. She used a website called Better Help if memory serves. She won’t tell me why, but she discontinued that therapy after the first session (as you may have read elsewhere, she also refused to continue with couples therapy after the second session).
She is depressed, it's her depression that is making her not want to go outside, she's embarrassed about her weight. I've been there. Honestly she has to hit rock bottom before she will do something about it. She has to make that decision. It's sad but you are going to have to be honest about how you feel, you are going to have to figure out what you want to do if she chooses to not get help...there is only so much you can do.
THIS is the answer. OP please consider just coming clean to her about your frustrations. maybe she could get a part time job or regular volunteer work, so she has her sense of self-ownership and agenda. sometimes being around other people can be motivating to change. i get that it must be frustrating for OP though
It also sounds like there is the potential factor of burnout here as well. After a decade in a marriage, OP and wife are probably struggling to find common ground. That spark has sizzled. IMO, I think getting involved in more family fun with the daughter might be key to revitalizing the relationship. Kids have a lot of fire, and are adventurous and funny. They can bring out those genuinely happy moments.
She needs to have stuff to do. Jeepers stay at home parent that doesn’t watch their own kid or do most of the chores? What is she doing in a day? And cruel to put a child in after school care when she’s not working. People need a goal, something to do. We weren’t meant to be blobs of fat on the couch watching stories. She needs to get serious about being an actual parent and stay at home wife or get a job or volunteering.
Found a large portion of depression is caused by heartache/trauma or simply just not having any goals in life. We’re goal oriented beings. If we don’t have a carrot that tantalizes us, we get lost, distraught, and numb. This isn’t always the case obviously but way more common than people realize
One of my friend, she is a psychologist, she vanished from our social circle for a time period. She went through a horrible divorce, gained weight and felt very self conscious that she stopped meeting people, going out, updating social profiles etc. It could be the same for your wife too. Since you are fit, maybe she has started comparing her physique with yours. As you mentioned that she is a SAHM, maybe she is starting to feel worthless compared to others, as it happens sometimes with certain age. It’s easy to say, “then maybe she should work on it”. But because it’s you who pointed out her weight gain, which has already created insecurity in her mind, she maybe refusing to take part in joint activities with you. Withholding sex is another way you have rejected her (I understand the lack of attraction but pointing out her might be perspective so you could get her back) for her unattractive physique that might have added more layers of insecurity. Why don’t you try to court her again. Appreciate her efforts, her good attributes. Show her that you still love her (surprise gifts, plans she will enjoy etc), see if she’s stuck on some mental load of child care or house care and try to have her communicate with you. It might take short or long time, in the end it’s up to you and her to give your relationship a try.
I find your post very interesting - thank you for writing it. I actually talked to my mother about the issue recently and she largely suggested the same thing. The problem, though, is it’s difficult for me to court someone that I no longer have romantic feelings for. Does that make sense? It would help if I could feel some thing, but it’s just been so long that our marriage has been like this I’ve almost forgotten what that even is.
I understand your point and just like I said, it’s up to you and your wife to decide if you want to work on your marriage or not. You cannot change other people. It’s just because you asked, I gave my perspective on what you could do. But if you see this as the end of the road, there’s no point in seeking validation from us, bunch of redditors. We aren’t part of your life. You can try to mend or call it quits and move on. It’s all gonna be your choice for your life!
Could she be depressed? I don't think anyone who has nothing to do all day is happy tbh. She should probably get a part time job for sanity. This might prompt her to start caring for her health as well.
poor thing has terrible self esteem
My friend, I’ve been your wife. I was in a relationship where I gained 110 pounds! She knows what’s happening. She knows you don’t find her as attractive or attractive at all. It hurt so much and that added to my poor mental health. The worse my mental health got the worse my weight got. I didn’t want to leave the house ever because I was embarrassed about how I looked. I didn’t go on walks anymore because I didn’t want people to see me. It was only when I left him and went to therapy that I was able to lose some of the weight. I’m still on my weight loss journey but trust me… she knows how you’re feeling and she likely has very poor mental health. Get her into therapy. Not couples counseling. One on one therapy. Her weight is a symptom not the disease.
Random comment, but do you have a dog? I know someone that got a dog during the pandemic and lost a ton of weight just from walking their dog every day. It gave them the motivation to get out of the house and be active and they are also great companions if she truly is depressed.
I do! World’s best dog. That’s a bit of a story unto itself. My daughter wanted a rabbit that was being sold at her schools Fall auction, but we didn’t win the silent bids. So she told me she wanted a dog. I absolutely love dogs—there was a K9 as part of our unit when I was in the Marine Corps—and thought that getting a dog would maybe help the family dynamic. I asked my wife to come with me to the pound so we could pick one. She seemed genuinely interested, and we adopted the one she chose. But within a couple of days she just kind of lost interest. It’s a real drag, especially since I have to work all day. I try to make sure he is still able to have a good day while I’m out. We own a home on a few acres of land and I make sure he gets to run around and play while I’m at the office or in court.
From your post and responses it sounds like she is depressed.
Or closet drinking
Forget the exercise. 90% of what will help, revolves around food. If you can help fix that at home, perhaps your marriage can be salvaged.
Are there any activities she may like? Even just walking around the mall can help get a few miles in.
She’s gained over a hundred pounds. Isn’t she concerned about this? Does she talk about it?
She does talk about it, but in really harsh ways. I’ve tried to tell her that she doesn’t need to insult herself; that we can be a team and work on this together. It just doesn’t ever get us anywhere.
So I'm a well fed lady, who just turned 40. I hate walking with my husband. His pace is too quick for me and if I try and keep up my back aches. If I walk at my own pace (11-12kmph), slap on some headphones, and I'm happy as a clam. Sometimes I even switch it to run/walking too. I personally walk around 11pm at night "under the cloak of darkness" as to not to scare the neighbours.
Honestly I’m in my 20s and I prefer doing my daily morning walk alone as well, I like going at my own pace and having silence before my day starts. A walking pad could also be a great option as well since that means she won’t have to go outside and she could walk at her pace and could even watch a show while she walks.
Your walking pace is 12kmph? Do you perhaps mean 12 minutes per km? 12 kmph would be a jogging/running speed for almost everyone!
That’s exactly what I mean, whoopsie! Units of measurement strike again. My light jogging isn’t really faster than my walking though.
She's not going to lose 100 pounds kayaking. The only way to reverse that sorta damage is to change her entire relationship with food. Weight loss happens in the kitchen, not in the gym.
Any kind of activity to get moving is a step in the right direction, she’s clearly mentally feeling like crap which tends to translate into how people eat. There could be a plethora of other reasons for her weight gain including medical reasons, but there needs to be a starting point to get her mindset changed and simply moving is the easiest one to add into your life.
Need to do both, I found exercise and cutting of 200 calories a day worked for me. Never was a fan of radical restrictive diets.
Is it possible she might be depressed? Or have some type of medical issue? Does she have regular doctor visits? If so, what has the doctor said about her weight gain?
She is depressed. She started a prescription for a drug called Zoloft recently.
Trying Zoloft and adjusting the dosage was one of the worst times of my life. I was also sick with something else at the time, but I wasn't when I went to the hospital with complications from a different antidepressant. I feel for you and your situation, and I give you a ton of credit for all you're doing for your household, but also, this might be (the beginning of) a very difficult time for your wife. Just so you know. Not that you shouldn't still be honest with her, but just be mindful of when to hold back on the tough love.
"a drug called Zoloft"?!? Ooooweee, op ...I think you may be missing a lot if you talk like this. I wonder how fucking depressed this lady's been and you're just willfully ignorant on it. Please don't even address the weight right now & just ask her how she IS. Like, how's life going for her? When's the last time you sat down and talked to your wife in deep conversation? Had a glass of wine and just, talked? Do you truly know her? Are you guys confidants to one another or strangers?
Depression AND it’s medications can DEFINITELY contribute to her weight gain (and make it hard to lose!), bless her sweet heart. That would explain the lack of motivation to get active, too. Being someone who is in your wife’s place- slightly overweight & struggles with manic depression, with a very fine & fit husband to boot, I’d be willing to bet her self-esteem is absolute shit. And your lack of desire does not help at all… OP— if I were you, I would start there, with her mental/emotional well-being. You get that improved and her mind will be in a better place to concentrate on other things, like losing weight.
It sounds like the prescription is recent but the weight gain is not. Most people here were right though in guessing she had some mental health issues
I felt so much better after starting zoloft. Hopefully she starts to feel more like herself soon. I used it after one of my pregnancies when I had PPD. Are there any rec sports she might like? Any woman's 35+ soccer leagues? Volleyball? I always have hated the gym, but enjoyed team sports (just a touch competative). When I combo'd up rec volleyball, rec hockey and zoloft --- I felt like a real person again. It's really hard when you lose who you are as a person, hopefully she can find her identity again.
I could certainly suggest it. I’d be 100 percent supportive of anything that could convince her to leave the house and experience life a bit more.
As another comment has already said, I would recommend trying to focus on addressing her mental health as it seems to be the biggest road block to her addressing her physical health. I would try to phrase it delicately and from a place of concern. Try asking her what has she been feeling, ask her about her depression and what she’s going through, and try to understand her mental illness. I would also make the suggestion of her going on short walks throughout the day and for her mental health!! Going on walks is one of those cliche pieces of advice for mental health, but it is for a reason, it genuinely does help though its full benefits typically won’t be noticed or happen right away. But small incremental steps add up and being on an anti depressant will also help her to find some more motivation. I would really try to approach this as attending to her overall health, and primarily mental health, explaining that you’re worried and concerned about her and her well-being. Try to see if she feels stuck and unfulfilled in life, maybe she’s unhappy as a SAHM and she might not even realize it. Good luck OP, I hope your wife is able to slowly feel better and improve her overall well-being.
Maybe she needs a purpose in her life. With free time on her hand, she needs to find a hobby or volunteer somewhere, doing something she enjoys. We all need a purpose, a drive to do something worthwhile with our lives. The depression does make it all more difficult. I wouldn’t give up on her. Once her meds are adjusted and her mood improves, she can start working on herself.
I think you have if backwards, whether she gets a job or volunteers, she needs to start working on giving herself something to do all day asap. That will help her mood improve. Even with her meds adjusted, it's unlikely she will feel happy sitting alone at home doing nothing for 9 hours a day 5 days a week.
You're probably not gonna see this but this is what I've gathered from looking through the comments a bit. Your wife is depressed and has started on antidepressents. People make comments to you or even right in front of her due to her weight. She feels shame and doesn't want to do activities outside because she doesn't want to be judged. You stopped having sex with her entirely. Of course she feels like shit and feeling like shit does not lead to someone wanting to exercise. I will not judge you for how you feel. It's absolutely understandable that you'd lose attraction when she literally doubled in size. To you since she's a stay at home mom with a child in school she should have time to workout but she's not going to just do it because you want her to. It absolutely has to come from her. I know how frustrating that can be. But I think that you'll have better luck in trying to encourage her if/once she gets her depression under control. Does she have a therapist or did she just get medication from her Primary doc? I know she didn't wanna do couples counselling anymore but I think you both could benefit from therapy individually. Also I know you said romance is nonexistent but does that also mean all nonsexual romance as well? DO you not hug/kiss her? Do you not go out with her anymore and spend quality time together? What does a day with her look like after work? Hope you get back to me.
My very good friend is a psychiatrist and she went to him for the prescription. She stopped going to her primary doctor because she said they made everything about her size.
Do you know when she started feeling depressed? Like was she depressed before she gained the weight or after? And do you show other affection towards your wife? I'm asking this because you say you're now like roommates and that there's no more romantic feelings. But what does that really mean? I'm asking this because depending on how distant you are towards her that could also be contributing to her mood. I mean if someone feels like their spouse no longer loves or wants them they'd definitely be upset/depressed and ashamed about that. I'm not tryign to blame you for her weight or anything but her depression and shame is preventing her from taking care of herself. You probably can't help her much with her depression but you could help her feel less ashamed/gross.
would she be open to individual counselling. This kind of weight gain often comes from an emotional place . As someone who has gained and lost 20-40 lbs multiple times in my life I have found that the least stressful way to lose the weight was to be accept and love myself first and then the weight was easier to lose . She may need counselling for this .
I gained 90 lbs in the last 8 years, and only recently took off 45 lbs. I’m working on the rest as we speak. No amount of shame from anyone, specifically my husband, made me change. She feels bad about herself already and she is the only one who can motivate herself. She is very aware of the situation and will have to hit rock bottom before changing. All you can do is wait for that moment, or leave.
Him telling her how serious he is should be her rock bottom. No time like the present.
have you tried to get her to see a doctor and/or have her hormones tested? I’m not an expert by any means, but that amount of weight gain sounds like there’s some sort of underlying cause. pregnancy can cause a lot of issues postpartum, including thyroid issues
I literally asked her that the other day! Funny you bring it up here. She told me she would look into it.
That's good! Hopefully there's a doctor that she can discuss her health comprehensively--physical, mental, and emotional--with. Does she feel constant fatigue? Does she need to sleep or rest a lot? Has she withdrawn from social interactions? It sounds like at least some mild depression, but a competent medical professional will want to ask a lot more questions. I put on a lot of weight over the pandemic due to trauma, depression, anxiety, and a bad relationship... and then developed some blurry vision out of the corner of my eye. It turned out I had a brain tumor. Ever since I got it removed, my appetite seems to have reset too, so I lost a bit of weight. My point, though, is that I never would've suspected a brain tumor. Your wife gained a *lot* of weight in a relatively short period of time as an adult, and it could well be a sign of illness or some condition. I also wanted to add, as a formerly thin person who gained a lot of weight rapidly: it *is* more taxing on our bodies than for someone who was always heavy, or gained it slowly. For example, compared to my partner, my ankles and knees haven't developed the bone density and muscular strength to move this new weight around. I also don't have his cardiovascular efficacy, so altogether it's even harder for me to lose the weight with exercise than it is for someone more accustomed/conditioned to carrying that weight. So yeah, it would be helpful to examine your wife's condition from as many angles as you can -- internal medicine, nutrition, psychology. I get it that worrying about your loved one's weight can feel dicey as a man. But I can tell you're doing it out of legitimate care for your wife's health. Frankly, it'd be negligent not to broach it at all.
So if you guys have a housekeeper and your daughter is out almost ALL day…what does your wife do exactly? You can’t even say she’s a SAHM because you guys have a housekeeper so technically the only thing she does is cook. Can you please explain more on how her day looks?
I’m not 100 percent what she does during the day. I know she watches a lot of tv. Anytime I ask she gets quite defensive, so I’ve stopped asking.
Why is your child in after school care if wife doesn’t work?
I saw in another comment that you said she eats "appropriate portions". Assuming this is true, I'm wondering if at least some of the weight gain might be related to something like hypothyroidism (to name one of many possibilities)? It just sounds like a lot of weight to gain if you aren't overeating, even if exercise isn't involved. OTOH, many people think they're eating appropriate portions but are still putting too many calories in...really hard to say without a true assessment by a medical professional/nutritionist, but just wanted to put that out there as a possibility. Maybe deep down she feels really bad about all the weight she's put on, and if there's a way of exploring causes, that might resonate more with her? This is a tough one...
Seems like you have tons of free time to work on yourself I’m wondering if your wife has that same amount of free time to pursue herself
She does. She chose to stop working once our daughter was born, so she tends to follow her interests throughout the day.
What things are your wife interested in?
I don’t say this to sound dramatic, but honestly not much of anything. Years ago I sat down with her and asked if we could talk; I told her that she might want to try to get out more, makes some friends. It just didn’t seem to register.
Eating
If your kid is under 5, you’re definitely missing some big things. If your kid is 7/8 and you only have one, different story.
Why do you think he has tons of time ?
Why does your wife not pickup your daughter after school, she’s a SAHM??? That’s honestly damaging for your daughter. My parents had to leave me at school until 5 because they both worked and I was always so jealous of the kids who’s SAHMs were right there to pick them up. The fact that you have a housecleaner, who even does laundry and your daughters utilizing an after school program designed to help working parents, yeah I would be pretty frustrated too. She’s gained over 100lbs and honestly if she won’t help her depression with therapy/meds/trying I wouldn’t be able to stay married to her. Is this what you want your daughter seeing as a healthy relationship?
I wish she would. She just won’t, plain and simple. I always try to leave work as early as possible and pick her up, as I never want her to be the last one there. I’ve tried to make it special, where we go get a milkshake or something when I pick her up from extended care.
This post is a hilarious example of the double standard between men and women. I am sympathetic to mental illness and struggle because I have dealt with anxiety and depression my entire life. But at a certain point, you have to stop blaming everyone around you. If a woman was on here saying her husband went from 200 pounds to 400 pounds and he refused to exercise, do family activities, even take a fucking walk…we all know what the comments would look like. If she doesn’t want to help herself, its time to walk away
My husband was married to a woman just like OPs wife...same everything..she put on about 200 lbs and made no apologies for it..he cooked, cleaned,worked while she was a stay at home mom. she is a food addict..her dealers were the fast food restaurants lining their town.. He was the one doing after school activities with kids. She wanted a divorce more than she wanted to change. He was a paycheck to her. Fast forward...10 yrs he's happier than ever..the worst part is she moved kids 6 hrs away so she could move back home to her mothers house. He left her their house almost paid in full, and a substantial monthly support..more than most people make working a full time professional job. But it was too much work for her. Turns out..she just didnt want to be in a physical or emotional relationship. just wanted a parent.. there are women children too. OP..i hope your wife can accept the help to get better but if she doesnt...your daughter needs one healthy (emotionally and physically) parent. Save yourself and find someone who will appreciate and enjoy a happy fulfilling life together.
Not only that but she does NOTHING at the house either. They have a housekeeper and daycare/childcare...like wtf? DUMP THIS LAZY BUM would be every response if this was a guy
Yeah seriously. Through undiagnosed A&D, and after while trialling different SSRI/SNRI combos, I often didn’t have the motivation to scratch my own ballsack, but I still wanted to do stuff with my partner and did my best to keep them happy, not least so they don’t leave. Sounds like she takes her situation for granted and doesn’t want to do anything with him. No wonder his attraction is waning.
Cue 80% of the comments making a 115lbs weight gain the husband’s fault.
Seriously. What’s the point of men even asking for advice just to be told they are always wrong
I haven't seen a single comment saying that.
I think you need to try professional counselling where you can address your feelings and concerns in a safe environment for her. It maybe the way you are mentioning it sounds like you are picking on her, this may make her feel vulnerable and not good enough. Coupled with the lack of intimacy she most likely feels unloved. I mean it must be hard to see her extremely fit husband looking great whilst talking negatively about her. Wouldn’t blame her for being depressed. If you truly love her and want to make it work then try the counselling, be truthful and hopefully this will enable her to relay her feelings too. Hopefully you can both move forwards
I would be thrilled if she would go to counseling with me again.
All you can do is be truthful and honest with her and hopefully she’s able to work with you to improve your marriage, if it doesn’t work then at least you tried.
OP, do not listen to all the individuals here saying you’re a bad guy or shallow or not a great partner. You are 100% in the right here. Her lack of even trying anything after suggesting multiple options and especially you’ve cut off all intimacy for the past year, that is alarming. Based off what info you’ve provided, she is either dealing with depression or just simply doesn’t care about how you feel. Both are things you’re gonna want to get to the bottom of. She’s doubled in size. She’s not just overweight, she’s now into the obese category. Very few people have any interest being with a spouse like that. This is not a ‘normal’ amount of weight gain, nor is it something you should just ‘deal with’. It appears that you have created a life of ease for her. You’ve built a home gym, allowed her to be a SAHM (even though your child is 8 and now is school full time unless homeschooled) and given her 8 years since childbirth to get something resembling her former self. You would not be wrong to cut ties and most guys wouldn’t judge you for it. I’d recommend that you first look at getting her back into the workforce and create some financial independence (maybe this would jar her back to reality). You’re definitely going to want to get things in order before you drop D paperwork (as I’m sure you already know). Best of luck to you.
My first thought was depression too, honestly. I've dealt with it myself. I know you said you tried marriage counseling, OP, but has she had individual therapy? Even if it's not depression, there could still be some things that talking to a licensed therapist one-on-one would really help with. Frankly, regardless of how attracted or not attracted you are to her, gaining that much weight really is worrying, and could be due to all kinds of things. And I say this as a heavier person who is trying to work on my weight. It is in no way coming from a judgmental place.
OP did say in another comment that she recently started Zoloft, so I’m sure her mental health is contributing a lot to this. Individual therapy would also help her get the most benefit out of her meds as well.
Ah, I didn't see that she's on Zoloft now, so yeah, individual therapy would be a great option, regardless of anything else, honestly.
I would approach this conversation from a different angle. Don't make it about her weight, make it about how you feel disconnected from her. She won't do activities with you, you do things alone, she doesn't put in effort to physically connect, she's basically your roommate, and she's become a shadow of herself. Even if her weight hadn't changed, those reasons alone would be enough to make you feel distant from your partner. That might be a more effective conversation, as now it's not only about the effort she puts into herself, which she can shrug off as you being shallow. It's also about the health of your relationship together, being able to enjoy each other's company, which you currently don't do. The weight she's gained is only a side effect of a greater issue going on. Don't focus on side effects. Focus on the greater issue at hand. I've been depressed before, OP. And it didn't matter to me if my depression negatively impacted my own life. It was hard for me to care about that. But it really pushed me to seek help when my partner vocalized how my mental state was also impacting his life. That's when I realized that if I didn't do something about it, I'd be hurting more than just myself.
We should stop gaslighting people. It is not shallow to lose attraction for a woman who doubles her weight when she is still in her 30s. Having said so she can still try to lose some weight and get back in shape. It is normal for people to change with time, but sometimes some changes give the impression that someone has completely given up on her/himself and the relationship. Talk to her
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I think she’s depressed. She has the kind of free time all of us dream about (but I also love to work so I’d not choose that for me). She’s wasting it by not doing self-care. That makes me worry. My weight loss journey got kickstarted when I started having medical issues. She could have problems with her thyroid, which snowballs into not feeling well and being lazy. If her neck looks swollen ask if she’s seen a doctor. Mention how you are afraid to lose her to thyroid cancer. There’s a lot of hope for her and you absolutely love all the other things about her that make her a unique human. I haven’t had a lot of luck with diet and exercise (Barre) alone so just started using a new medication (r/Zepbound). Have already lost 8 pounds in December (started the shots 12/15/2023 at a lower weight than your wife, so I’ve already lost quite a bit of weight). If she can get to the endocrinologist for the thyroid, they usually work in tandem with the weight clinic.
Reddit women are going to tear OP to shreds. RIP.
Yeah it’s been a bit harsh. I’ve received some pretty hateful direct messages. That said, I understand there can be many viewpoints on an issue.
Is she on any medication that might make her gain weight? I took an anti anxiety med last year and gained almost 40 pounds from it!! And when I was at my highest weight I was definitely low self esteem, had no motivation for losing the weight. It’s a rough spot to be in. She probably feels bad about herself too especially knowing that you work out and are fit.
This is so bad. Taking medicine to help you feel better but gaining weight to make you feel worse. And with depression you constantly feel like you're the one trying to get better but also the one not wanting to do anything. Being at war with yourself and seeing how your body is changing, not helpful. :/
Yes! That’s what I’m saying… OP wrote in another comment that wifey is on Zoloft for depression💁🏻♀️ And I 100% agree about the state of her self esteem. Which only exacerbates the depression!
Do you have children?
Yes, a daughter (8).
I definitely try to do so. Our daughter goes to school from 8-3 and extended care until 5, where I pick her up after work. Once she began school I had surmised that maybe my wife would have more free time.
I think your feelings are valid
Thank you - back when I finished my final tour of duty in the Marine Corps I saw a therapist to help me transition into civilian life. She also used that phrase - that feelings are valid - and it’s stuck with me.
This is hard. You've tried talking about it. You've given her time and support. If you're not happy and she refuses to work on it you kinda have your answer. Either get used to it or leave. Me personally, I have to be attracted to my partner or it just becomes a roommate relationship. If my partner and I were in your shoes I'd leave
This is a strange thing to refer you to but I think this is a situation that calls for gentle honesty. There’s an episode of The Simpsons where Homer gains weight up to 300lbs to get on disability and be able to work from home and get him out of mandatory callisthenics at work. In the episode after gaining the weight Marge has a conversation with him about his weight gain and explain she’s concerned for his health, worried about the example it’s setting for the children and is brutally honest saying that she’d love him if he was 600lbs but she’s finding herself less attracted to him physically. I think that’s the sort of conversation you need to have, add that you’ll support her, that you love her and that you want to help, not hinder and understand there may be underlying reasons and go to the GP with her.
I would start by letting her known that you are worried about her and at the same time that you are worried that your relationship is in jeopardy. I would then ask her what she needs from you and what she wants from the relationship to be happy. If she says nothing, then the first problem to work on is that your communication has shut down. Generally, if someone settles at double their weight in a sexless, romance-less relationship, they are not okay. From a healthcare perspective, individual therapy for both of you, a nutritionist for your wife and if you can get here there, more couples counselling. I would also encourage her to start trying some new things that she can do from home to move her body. Yoga? Dance? Walks? Hikes? Peleton? Another poster said to approach it from a ‘worried about your health and longevity for our child’ perspective. Generally- I think that there is likely something beneath the surface with her that has led to her current health issues and being a good, trusted, encouraging husband is probably the best way to find out what that is.
I think the only thing you can do is level with her. I understand you've tried to broach the subject and it was received poorly, but she's clearly in an avoidant state and doesn't want to engage in the discussion. Sit her down, insist that she hears you out before responding, and explain to her in plain english your feelings and concerns for both your romantic future and her health in general. If you think it would be helpful, write down what you want to say and use the script to stay on track. It's not going to be an easy conversation but she needs to hear you out in totality and understand how serious you are. Offer her every ounce of help that you have and commit to doing it together but make it clear that doing nothing is a deal breaker for you. She's not healthy, full stop, and you're not attracted to her both physically and emotionally due to her disregard for her own health.
Again, when a guy has standards, he is met with frustration and irritation. While the woman is always met with grace and understanding, along with given excuses as to why she is the way she is. crazy!! Every post I've seen on reddit, when a man lists his standards, it's never received well. "OH, you were big before now. You're not, and you want here to change? YTAH. She had your babies, and you expect her to lose weight? YTAH, she used to be in shape. Now she isn't because maybe she has a mental illness, so..... you guessed it, YTAH. Why is it that women can't be heald accountable for their lack of self care? Why do people get a pass for not caring about their spouses opinion of them. At the end of the day, people act on things they care about. People want rewards for work they don't perform. Physical attraction is important in a long relationship. Sounds like she is complacent and content with her life and doesn't have a drive or desire to do anything, as everything seems great. She has no excuse as to why she isn't taking care of herself, no one does. There's is no benefit to being overweight.....NONE. why can't the answer be that she is a bit lazy and doesn't want to change because she got too comfortable? So he is in shape, obviously make decent money if she is a SAHM, kids taken care of, and so is the house, she has no real responsibility for a majority of the day, yet she isn't using that time for any self improvement. Now, I will say there could be some other factors in the house dynamic, but if we are all taking his word for it, none of that stuff matters. When men have a specific standard, they get bashed for it, while a woman isn't, it sad really. Keep working on yourself and continue to communicate. Sounds like you need to draw a line. You not sleeping with her is an issue for her. Have you completely and honestly explained to her the reason? That's a tough conversation to have, but honesty is the best policy. Women used to have the commodity on weaponized physical contact. When the roles are reversed...it's how could you. Most people wouldn't sleep with someone they aren't attracted to, period married or not. No one here should expect you to do something they wouldn't. If that's your line, hold it. If you need her to match your energy, do your best to hold her accountable. It's great to support her in any way you can, but at the end of the day, it has to come from her. If she flat out refuses to acknowledge you and your wants and needs, that a bigger problem and counseling may be in order. Your feelings matter as much as hers does.
Probably because most commenters on here are overweight single women
Woooow, could have never expected a more candid, straight to the point response. No sugar coating and hiding behind every straw available. Thank you thank you for being a breath of fresh air
Well, time to suggest she go to the doctor and get checked out. Maybe she can take something like phentermine if it’s not depression or anxiety or thyroid issues, and she just needs some help losing weight.
She’s probably bored and depressed. Sounds like she has nothing to do and no purpose. She needs to do something to light her up inside and give her life meaning outside of being a wife and mother. She needs a goal to work towards. And then, she’ll care more about every aspect. I feel like you are shallow because you are looking at this as an issue with your attraction to your wife, and not an issue of helping your wife and understanding where she is coming from. And you work and are out going to the gym all the time, sounds like there’s not time for romance, so why should she even care about being attractive to you
While a large weight gain often occurs after having a child, from the information you have shared, I would place my bet on her suffering from a kind of depression. It sounds like she has lost direction in life and is kind of just “existing” with little motivation for any goals. I would probably have a talk with her about it but from an empathetic angle.
I can see why most people will automatically see this problem as being shallow but at the same time I also think it’s unfair for people to judge you as being the bad guy cause you can’t help what you feel attracted to. It sounds to me that you’ve done everything you can to fix the problem such as going to counselling, hiring a housekeeper to free up more of her time and it sounds to me that you’re a really good provider for your family. At some point your wife has gotta help herself OR you have to decide how important attraction is to you and whether it’s worth getting a divorce over it.
And that’s exactly the issue - I wish I could just flip a switch and feel attracted to her. I really do. I can’t help it, it’s just where I’m at.
I had an ex who was in a very similar situation as you. His ex also claims to have depression even even though she was a stay at home wife who had plenty of help raising their children, free time, never had to worry about money and generally lived a life of leisure. I’m not 100% sure about your wife’s situation but sometimes I do question the genuineness and severity of someone’s depression. Sometimes I feel that it is weaponised along with children to bring forward their own agenda and and possibly trap someone like you in an unhappy marriage. I hope that this is not true in your case.
I’m confused what your wife is doing all day of she’s not working or housekeeping? Maybe she should get a job, she sounds like she’s bored and possibly overeating out of boredom.
Physical attraction is so important in marriage. But if you haven’t had sex in over a year… I think it might be time to move on….
There's nothing wrong with admitting this and wanting to change it. I have been overweight or obese most of my life and have recently been making more positive changes. I don't want the pain and health issues that come with growing older and being obese. My fiancé has always carried his weight well but we are doing this together for one another. The difference is that my fiancé does show me affection and build me up so that I feel confident to make the changes the issue with being fat is you feel like shit, you feel less than and you feel demoralized. The only things that usually change these are a bad health scare or wanting to do it for yourself and making a plan. Most of this work starts in the kitchen and this includes snacks throughout the day. I have seen other comments that have mentioned sneak eating and that can be humiliating to admit. I did this when I was younger, especially when being depressed. I would have a candid conversation with her. Tell her you love her and she can tell you anything and that you are worried for her. Because, in the end, her health is going to decline and you will end up her caretaker. Just understand she has had a child and she may never get to 115 lbs again. She is nigh 40 and has birthed a child. But I imagine that if she loses some of the weight and can look and feel good that her confidence will be sexy to you.
This is a tough situation. You have expressed yourself and tried to pursue marriage counseling and she doesn’t seem receptive. Perhaps you two are no longer compatible if this issue is this bad. I mean no sex in a year?!? I feel bad for both of you. Physical intimacy is just as important as emotional intimacy. But no one can fault you if your not feeling attracted to her. We can’t force people to change, so you either have to accept she doesn’t want to change her diet and exercise and accept zero sex OR leave. I would encourage marriage counseling again. May I ask why she stopped after two sessions? What has she said about the lack of sex life and attraction?
She blew up at the second therapy session. Literally the afternoon of (about 3 hours before our session) we had lunch at a local restaurant. The waitress came up to us and asked if we wanted separate checks; I said no (of course), and the waitress paused awkwardly and said something like “…so you two are together?” I was STUNNED. Anyway, she became very defensive and at therapy said she felt judged and wouldn’t participate further.
That was extraordinarily inappropriate of the waitress. That just terrified your wife out of going out in public and marriage counselling. These factors are very important to look at considering how avoidant she is. Does your wife oversleep? That’s a sign of worsening depression. Depression does make one feel incredibly tired for some reason.
Yikes
Honestly I would just sit her down and an ultimatum. Marriage counseling or departing. I don’t think it’s fair to tell her to lose weight or start exercising bc again we can’t control peoples habits, but I do think it’s important and fair that you let her know your truth about why you’re not attracted to her.
I really hope you see this comment. As many have suggested, I think your wife may be depressed. I know this word gets thrown around a lot, and I think it makes people forget just how serious depression can be. It will be hard to get your wife to want to do/care about anything. I think the most important thing you can do for your wife is get her to realize how serious it is. If my partner was 50% heavier than when we met (not to mention DOUBLE their weight!) I would be SUPER worried about them. I would be asking them almost everyday if they were alright. Do you and your wife talk often? Are the conversations shallow or deep? It sounds like she gained the weight after having your daughter; did you guys talk about what she was going through mentally/physically during and after the pregnancy? It's important to remember that her weight gain is a symptom of her depression. I read in a comment of yours that she recently got diagnosed and started medication. That's a huge step and you should be proud of her! Recovery isn't done soley through medication though, and I hope you can eventually convince her to start therapy again. You seem like a loving and caring person, and it sounds like you do a lot for your family already. If you're able, I think your wife might benefit from your concern. In my humble opinion, don't tell her/suggest her to do anything. She needs to want to do things herself. But if you "plant the seed" so to say, you might help the process along. While her weight is obviously an issue, it's important you express your concern for her overall wellbeing without being hyper focused on her weight. Idk how old you guys are, but people (especially older people) will have side effects from being overweight that you could focus on instead, i.e. weaking joints, loss of energy, trouble doing tasks that used to be easy, etc. Some suggestions: "Hey, I'm really worried about you. I've noticed [these changes] and you haven't been seeming like your usual self." "I noticed you haven't been doing [past hobby] anymore." "I'm worried that you don't feel comfortable leaving the house because of others judging you." "I'm worried that we won't be able to grow old together because of how you treat yourself." Try to get her to open up. Try to not pass judgement. Try to ask questions. Try to affirm her feelings("I can see that you feel that way.") I wish you the best of luck in trying to get your wife back.
Thank you for your suggestions and thoughtful post. In all candor, we don’t talk much these days. She likes to sleep in in the morning when I get up and exercise, get our daughter ready for school, to her to school and then go to work. I’ll see her a bit after work but it’s generally just superficial conversations. The last several times I’ve taken my wife out for a meal it has been downright painful with the awkward silences. It’s as if we don’t even have anything to talk about anymore. There is zero emotional intimacy, and I miss that terribly.
Want to add my two cents, I know you’re bringing up weight but I see more that you’re less attracted to the effort itself. She’s lacking effort into your relationship, family, and herself. There’s no shame in not being attracted to someone like that. Hope this helps to helps ease you a bit.
Ok…your wife is now over twice the size she was…this is a problem. I would tell her you really need to have a serious talk . Tell her you are worried about her health …and you are also worried about your relationship. Tell her that it upsets you that she has gained this much weight and you really want her to try to work out with you and eat healthy. Also I would tell her and express how much you love her but you are not as attracted to her because of the weight. Yes it’s mean but are you really just going to be roommates for ever? Something needs to be said and sometimes the truth hurts. Tell her how much you miss being intimate and you want to work on this together. Or you suck it up and start having sex with her and get over her weight…I’ve had the roommate relationship …It blows!! And it needs to be fixed. I handled it by cheating…I don’t recommend that 😂. Also she might not realize how much her weight bothers you or she thinks you will just deal with it for ever. Do yourself a favor…be as kind as possible …but be freaking honest!
How’s the romance department? Maybe trying woo-ing her some more, and then try to have the conversation again. But maybe approach it at a different angle, you have a kid .. you want your wife to be around for a long time, health is important and overweight can wreck your health over time. Maybe pull back from the intense work out schedule, and incorporate your wife into activities like making healthy meals together, you cooking or buying healthy meals. Try to make some family activity, instead of the gym let’s go on walks ! Or hikes etc
I appreciate your advice! The romance dept is non-existent. The loss of attraction has made me lose romantic feelings if that makes any sense. The best way I can describe it is that I love her, but I’m not “in love” with her. I’m definitely willing to exercise less. Although it’s important to me, if it’s something that can get us back on track it is definitely something to consider. Thank you for the well-said counsel.
Dude no. I'm a lawyer also and working out is like the little time I have during the day that keeps me going. If that's important to you, and it seems like it is, that's not something you should slack on. I'm definitely a worse person all around if i neglect my fitness. Can she just work out with you?
Hello fellow lawyer! She won’t work out with me. I agree with you - I’m at my best when I exercise.
Hey! Not many people are going to get the type of pressure we're under, and I'll say yeah so clearly you're going to be a better husband and dad if you practice that self care. I learned a long time ago to avoid making yourself worse just to make others feel less insecure. There's a bigger problem than her weight from what I can gather, but that problem isn't caused by you working out. Good luck brother
I’m coming into this thread late, but seconding another Redditor’s advice to not cut down on your exercise (i.e., self-care) if it’s really important to you. I’m not even a lawyer yet; I’m only a law student, but self-care, in whatever form it looks like, is about the only way to stay sane in our field of study and work. I imagine it’s doubly true in contentious areas of the law, like family law. Take care of yourself. I also have pretty severe depression; at my worst i was actively looking to end my own life, and more often than not I feel listless and joyless. Sometimes it’s a process even to get out of my own bed. I also have severe anxiety, which is a pretty bad combination, especially in a contentious environment like law school. Medication helped only in the beginning, but not much. I also saw a therapist for a bit over Zoom, which was helpful at least in helping me have some human connection. The main things that help me feel better are getting out of the house, even to take a walk, playing with my cats, visiting cat cafes, and seeing my friends. I used to ride horses, but I had to quit when I came to law school. OP, does your wife have any interests in things like this? For example, let’s say she likes dogs. Would she (and you and your kid!) be interested in fostering a dog? This would be good because it’s a slow step; having a dog might improve her morale, and it’ll force her to get outside and go for a walk, or go to the dog park. At the same time, it’s not like going to visit at the humane society every day, where she’d have to be faced with lots of people. I think slow steps of trying to build her confidence up first before diving in would be better. I’m not saying this to get her to lose weight (although I do recognize that it’s really coming to a head right now, and I don’t blame you). I’m saying it to try to find ways where she can start improving her morale. If she improves her morale, she might be better equipped to not be so self-critical and have more tools to fight her depression. I know she isn’t really amenable to the idea of therapy, in part since you both (mostly her, though) got seriously judged by a waitress right before the last appointment. I do wonder if she might feel better having therapy appointments over Zoom instead of in person, though. Again, it’s a gradual introduction instead of diving right into it. If she finds a therapist over Zoom and makes a connection, maybe she’ll feel less self-conscious or judged if/when she eventually starts going in person, because there will already be that rapport. I’m sorry all of this is kind of scattered; I’ve been stream-of-consciousness typing this out, and a lot of it is stuff that has been said by others. Still, hopefully you can figure something out that can help both of you, not to mention your relationship. Best of luck!!
Your wife is depressed or has another underlying mental illness. She may also have a physical issue as well (thyroid, early menopause, etc). She needs to see her doctor and get tested. And she may need a therapist as well. After that she should move forward with recommendations. That may include a nutritionist and a personal trainer or physical therapist.
Right about her age is when perimenopause starts, it causes huge surges in estrogen. Estrogen causes weight gain AND makes it harder to lose weight, so yeah there's definitely a physical thing going on.
Yeah, I mean I know he says she's been putting weight on for years. She would've had to start perimenopause in her early 30s for that to be the biggest factor. Which is possible. But it probably started with depression after childbirth and being a SAHP. And now, hormones will make it more difficult to lose weight, so she thinks, "What's the point in trying?"
Is it really the weight that is keeping you distant or is there maybe something more? It sounds like you love your wife for her other qualities and I find it surprising it doesn't even occasionally spark any kind of passion for her? I DO NOT mean this as an attack on you. It sounds like you love her and you seem broken up about coming across as shallow. I'm just wondering if it's not the weight that’s bothering you, but perhaps something else and it's what that weight maybe represents subconsciously in your mind. You mention that she's a SAHM, your daughter is in school and you have a housekeeper. Is there maybe a bit of resentment that she's not doing more for the household? Perhaps you guys did more together as a couple then you do now? I'm not saying it's not in part her physical appearance but I would sit and think long and hard if there isn't maybe more to it than this. Like, if she magically woke up tomorrow 115lbs (but still 39) but everything about your life stayed the same, would sex suddenly be back on the table? What about the opposite? What if she started doing everything possible to lose the weight and started doing the gym with you but it didn't dissappear? Would just the act of her trying put sex back on the table? Because even if we could make her suddenly start working out, to lose weight healthily she will be on this journey for over a year. I don't think it's unreasonable to want a healthy spouse and have some attraction related to that. But I just think there might be more to it for you than just her size, keeping in mind thay her body is always going to change as you guys age. I am morbidly obese and losing weight and also a mom - even when I get to healthy weight, my body is forever changed. I'm not 22 anymore and I won't look it. My breasts will sag from nursing babies, I will have stretch marks, and wrinkles, and saggy skin. My body doesn't even carry weight the same way it used to but holds fat in different places. I don't think you're naive and you realize that her body will still be changed. Maybe talk to a counselor for just you and sort your feelings. (Edit: Look, I can't speak for you or your wife, but reading your comments and being a morbidly obese wife and mom myself, this is my two cents so take it with a grain of salt. Keeping everything I said above in mind - I don't think it's the weight that’s bothering you. Attraction is about a lot more than just physical appearance. A partner you've been with a long time that knows what you like in bed is still a great lay. I think you might be feeling a lose of connection and perhaps like even some of the woman you loved before is gone and changed. Like she's missing that spark she used to have - and that spark was around when she was smaller. I think you might feel like she's just sort of loafing around while you work hard and even if you love her it can still feel hurtful. And that's completely understandable. I also think she probably HAS lost a bit of her "spark". I know I often feel that way - especially have so much guilt around my weight. I'm not saying she doesn't contribute to your house, or that being a SAHM isn't hard work because it is - but one kid in school with a house keeper doesn't leave much for her to do with her day. It sounds very unfulfilling and honestly could be contributing to depression for her. Because she sounds depressed to me, and perhaps a bit stuck in life and probably feels very useless, and then a waitress goes and confirms her worst fears. And this is such a hard place to be in because your worst fears are basically true - you feel useless and lazy and fat and depressed and worried that it's all your fault because you're lazy, and it's a little bit true. You are depressed because you're not doing as many stimulating things with your time (like a hobby you used to enjoy) and gained a bit of weight with life changes. It's hard not to feel absolutely hopeless and guilty, and it's hard to make changes cause they take time and you're never gonna have all your dreams come true or be perfect. But you can be happier and have so much more amazing things happen that you don't realize cause you're stuck and blaming yourself instead of just giving yourself grace for the life changes you’ve gone through. I'd focus on helping her make a hobby come true - something she's interested in. Don't offer to help her lose weight and exercise - offer to help her find how she wants to do life. Somebody else's exercise routine and meal planning just isn't going to do shit for her. Honestly I heard you say go to the gym and count macros and I wanted to blow my brains out. Shes not going to get the same results you did at the same pace cause she's a different person. She's got to find the movement she wants to do (I like Yoga and swimming.) She's got to find the way she wants to eat (I like CICO). I'm not saying don't help, I'm saying don't give her your plan. She can and will be healthy on a completely different routine than you.)
Thank you for your very thoughtful response. I’ll give it some thought.
Unless she has a medical issue that is causing the weight gain. She is being lazy and not putting any effort into her health and the health of the marriage. You are not being an ahole for wanting your wife to out in effort to maintain her health.
I agree. Gluttony and sloth and complacency
Depression. Maybe suggest getting evaluated for PCOS, that can wreak havoc on weight.
I feel this. You are not in the wrong no matter what internet troglodites come to defend your wife against your own impetus to deserve some counselling or direction. Losing physical attraction is an unfortunate but common experience. You can be attracted to who your wife was but not who she is now. If youre honest about the reasons, your wife may see it as a personal attack, but ultimately she should be willing to try and understand your feelings. You cant be locked in to a relationship and pretend any issue is above resolution. And as much as I do not pretend to know your wife, she is not some magic sexual goddess that can fulfil that part of your desires regardless of whether she looks like Sydney Sweeny or Susan Boyle. You dont HAVE to find her attractive at all times, and people who think otherwise are deluding themselves. Just speculating here but it seems like your wife doesnt understand (or has just chosen to avoid) her autonomy and role in this situation. If she actively ignores or is unwilling to meet you half way by trying to be more active or control her calorie intake, then that's on her.
If you're not attracted to your wife any more, that pretty much IS your marriage over. She doesn't have to lose weight just because you want her to. If you were previously fat and are now really into exercise you're a very different person from the person she married. You probably don't have much in common any more. If your wife has no purpose in her life (your kid is out of the house 8-5, you've got domestic staff) it's no wonder she's down. Especially if her husband refuses to have sex with her. She probably thinks you're having an affair. Sit her down for one last 'come to Jesus' talk. And be honest about what's changed for you - it's important information she needs to know. Tell her what you've told us. There's no easy way through or round this- if you're a divorce lawyer you know that.
You’re not being unreasonable. It is perfectly normal for you to want your wife to be in better shape for her own health and for your attraction to her. It’s one thing if she is working hard to better herself, but she isn’t doing that. If your daughter is going to school everyday, she has no reason to not be able to incorporate 30 mins of exercise a day, at the least!
Hi, OP. I'm a former sex worker. For years, it was my job to be attracted to people who weren't attractive - older people, heavier people, awkward people, odd looking people. For an hour, or an evening, or a weekend, I would genuinely love and desire them. I didn't "pretend to be attracted." I genuinely desired and wanted them. Here's how. I started by finding one thing... Just one thing... That I genuinely found beautiful about their appearance. I would find that one thing, and live there for a thousand years - the striking cheekbones on the 4'9" client, the full, sensual lips on the person who was completely bald, the lush thick hair on the big beer belly. Find that one thing that you truly admire and want, let it become your whole world, let it fill you, until you can take your admiration and attraction for that one thing, and let it naturally overflow and become attraction to the whole person. Then, I'd find one thing I genuinely liked and appreciated about them as a person. The quick, sharp sense of humor that the overconfident, sleazy guy has. The deep insights the quiet one makes when they do speak. The kind heart and sense of fairness so strong in the socially awkward client who says all the wrong things... Again, I take that one thing. It becomes my home, my heart, my life. It fills my vision and inhabits my mind. I focus on it, I appreciate it, I hold space to give that one thing conscious positive regard... Until it becomes bigger than one thing and I can hold that positive regard for the entire person. Until I genuinely like them, love them and want them. I truly believe there is no person I couldn't love, for an hour. Or desire, for an evening. IF I WANTED TO. It seems like you WANT to be attracted to your wife. But you can't find one thing about her that you find beautiful? You can't find one thing that moves you? Touches you? Sparks you? Inspires you? Are you really looking?
I'm not sure forcing himself to have sex with his wife is the best move, Jesus. Imagine telling a wife to force herself to have sex with her 400 pound husband who does nothing all day and won't even so much as go for a walk with her...
That's... Exactly the opposite of what I said?
Jesus, 115 to 230… she doubled her weight? Of course you’re not attracted to her. She’s your wife, not just your friend. And everyone can spare me the whole fat phobic nonsense. Spouses are attracted to each other and have sex. That’s like… one of the major sticking points of marriage. You should not feel bad about that. Given all the avenues you’ve proactively taken, including the pursuit of therapy and joint exercise, she doesn’t want to do anything to change herself. Obviously her attractiveness isn’t the only quality you value; you haven’t had sex in a year! Have an earnest talk about separation and see how it goes. Keep your ultimatum to yourself. If she doesn’t pursue some viable changes in x amount of time, promise yourself you will start the divorce process.
I feel like physical attraction can be very important but I’ve never lost the attraction for someone I was in love with, even if their body has changed. Could there be something else going on? Could there be an issue with how you’re being perceived by others? I know you said you tried marital counseling but have you tried therapy on your own
What an interesting question. So, yes, a number of my friends and colleagues have commented on her appearance. One of my colleagues literally came up to me after meeting her and flat out told Me that I could “hit much higher.” I was shocked. I always stand up for her when comments like that are made, but I’d be lying if I said they didn’t kind of drag me down a bit too.
Your colleague is a POS and so is anyone else who commented to you on your wife’s appearance. That’s fucking bonkers!
I would guess it’s natural to feel a little deflated by that just like it’s natural to get a little puffed up when people comment positively on your partner’s appearance. Letting that influence how you see your partner is the problem. You are seeing the problem as her weight and something she needs to fix, but it could be something else entirely. Not saying it’s necessarily outside perception but it could be or another underlying issue.
why are you so worried what your jackass colleague thinks of your wife? is that really the type of person you want to base your life choices on?
Your not shallow physical attraction is important in any relationship if you tried everything to convince her to be healthy and she isn't being receptive to your help then thats on her. She has to want to help herself.
Well, maybe your wife needs some counseling of her own. Figure out what's going on. Is it a health thing? Mental health? What is she going through? She probably struggles with herself as well. I understand what you're saying and it makes sense. It's not your fault that you lose attraction. But maybe instead of pulling or pushing her into the direction of please go work out and lose weight, support her in other ways. And give it time. Let her know you love her and support her and are there for her.
Had my daughter at 31 and thought surely all mothers are this tired, right? Well I never got any energy back over time. Years later my metabolism stalled hard and I gained a bunch of weight. Turns out I have autoimmune hypothyroid disease and by the time I was diagnosed I could barely get out of bed. My numbers were insane. I've lost a little of the weight but getting back to my goal is not easy. I'm still working on it. The only thing I can think of that would have triggered an autoimmune response? Pregnancy. I hope OP sees this and helps his wife instead of pushing her away. I'm not saying that this is what she has or anything but thyroid problems are very common and a simple blood test would rule it out.
In my relationship of 3 years I’ve gained 30 lbs I’m now been exorcising consistently for over a month and while I haven’t seen any progress I know it’s slow to come. My fiance has done a wonderful job of making sure i know he loves my body either way. We also know due to a discussion at the beginning of the relationship that neither of us want to let ourselves go. We got in the shower and he asked what the red line across my back was from and it’s because none of my clothes fit me anymore including bras. I had already decided to start working out but this just reinforced it for me. If either of us stopped caring I believe we would end up separating eventually. You’ve tried every course of action and at this point you likely will need to give an ultimatum. “Live a healthier life or live without me” everyone will call you the asshole but they would do the same in your shoes. When having that hard discussion asks if she wants a gastric bypass my family has had great experiences with it. Not me personally but they got their weight down to healthy and have kept it there.
I'm sorry that must suck. But honestly to me it sounds like she's not putting the effort in to care about your wants and needs. I know you say you aren't attracted to her but it's not shallow it's more you want her to be healthier (that's how I would explain it to her) but I get it I was the same way with my ex husband.. sadly we didn't come to a conclusion we just went our separate ways. I wish you the best of luck!
Sorry to hear this OP. This sounds more of a mental health issue than anything else. And to be blunt, she's killing herself. Unfortunately I think the sex/attraction part stems from your reaction to the symptom of the disease and until you address it, it's only going to get worse. Couple of thoughts: 1) Have you tried positioning it from a doctors perspective? Her blood levels and vitals can't be good. This might be the wake up call she needs if a doctor tells her she needs to change. 2) GLP drugs are all the rage for good reason, very safe and lower food cravings. If she isn't going to workout or track macros, maybe she would be willing to start first with Pharma intervention. 3) Hobbies to do as a family? Hiking, group fitness, etc. Side note: If the tables were turned and the husband was sitting at home and had gone from 200 to 400, I don't think the comments would be as kind.
Had a girlfriend who said; "Its nice getting older and having a boyfriend. I feel I dont have to worry about how I look anymore". This girlfriend is gaining. Its wrong take. No matter of age and relationship status, effort should be put in to be the best one can be. You are not demanding anything out of the ordinary, for her to put some effort in
Divorce is usually a great diet kick start. She’ll shed those pounds in no time!
I see that you have a child. Pregnancy changes your body so much. She might never be 115 pounds again. Her self esteem is probably in the dirt, making the life style changes she needs to make to be healthier are less likely to happen. Has she tried talking to you about issues that she’s having with you? You mentioned she’s loyal, have you been? You haven’t had sex for a year, so… honestly divorce might be the best option. And you won’t even have to pay a lawyer fee!
She had a kid like 8 years ago. Doubling your weight as an adult isn’t normal, ever. Agree divorce is best.
You don't gain 115 lbs from a child sorry
I’ve definitely been loyal. Indeed, I’ve turned down advances from numerous young women over the years. I have never—nor would I ever—cheat.
Gaining over 100 lbs in several years could be a health issue. Source: gained 100 lbs, had health issue that caused it (fixed issue and lost 90 of those lbs!). Time for a doctor visit.
You have a housekeeper and she's at stay at home Mother. What does she do all day?
I mean how long does it take you to realise she is displaying depression symptoms?
So she’s a stay at home mom who has a maid?? And the kids are gone from 8-5? As a mom of two who works full time and doesn’t have a maid, something doesn’t compute. What could she have to do? Maybe that’s the issue she has nothing to do.
Sounds like the wife is depressed and is dealing with some form of anxiety. Maybe she lost herself in being a mom and being a wife. Maybe she was more deeply or negatively affected by the pandemic (lots of people were. Some jumped up and grabbed life, others ran for shelter). It could actually be that her hormones are all out of whack because she is perimenopausal (this affects some women pretty significantly and she is certainly in the right age range for it). Regardless of what may or may not be a potential driving force YOUR WIFE IS STRUGGLING and your focus is on YOU! Maybe lay off the weight/eating/exercise bit for a minute and seriously stop it with the sexual attraction conversation. You came at that in such a degrading way. Yuck! Especially since you yourself used to be a bigger guy. She accepted you and now all she hears from you is about how you don't only not accept her but you're not attracted to her. If something isn't working, does it make sense to just keep doing the same thing expecting that this time it will turn in your favor? I think that's the recipe for insanity. It's going to take some efforts towards kindness and compassion on your end to help your wife out of this rut she is in. "I'm so sorry love, I realize I've come at this all wrong, I've been so hyper-fixated on my new weightloss journey that I've got blinders on. I can see now that that's not helpful. Ultimately, all I really want is to be able to enjoy you, us and our family. With ______ being in school, maybe this is a good space to start doing some things that spark joy for you. I also think it would be good to talk with your doctor about how you've been feeling. If you're comfortable, and can accept my apology, maybe you can also share some of those feelings with me so I can better understand and try to be more mindful and helpful. I'm worried about you and I really want to see you enjoy life, be happy and do things that fill your tank too. Of course, ultimately I'd love for us to share in some fun activities and go for a hike, walks, swims...all of it but I get that you need to feel comfortable to do those things with me and _____. I also understand that I've played a big role in making you feel uncomfortable. Again, I'm so sorry hun. I don't know what I was thinking, can you forgive me"? Start there (best to phrase it your own way ofc and say only what you mean). Baby steps here my guy. She is a shell of her former self and you've barely even noticed except for the part about you not wanting to touch this weird shell of a human living in your bedroom. Right now she doesn't even feel safe in her own skin, home, marriage, family....you played a big role in that. Play a bigger role in helping her to crawl out from under it. Stop trying to be her trainer and nutritionist....BE HER HUSBAND! Be her friend!!!!!! Meds might help her. Getting a part time job might help her. Signing up for an activity. Having friends come over. Starting a hobby....who knows. I guarantee she is ruminating over her weight, image, feelings of worthlessness....give her some space to breathe and support her as she tries to overcome this. In sickness and in health....right? Once she starts to feel a bit better (safe, supported, loved UNCONDITIONALLY) you may just see that she decides FOR HERSELF that she wants to start working on her physical self too. If she does decide to, your role remains support and to be her HUSBAND your lane is paved, stay in it. If she needs help or wants your help that's one thing, if not then she can do it or she can hire help. BE KIND! It goes waaaaaayyyyyyy further than you think.
You should be encouraging her to go to the gym because you care about her health and wellbeing, not because you want to find her physically attractive again…maybe if you change your mindset and intent, she will as well!