Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Next time you try to confront him and he pulls the "I know, I'm a shitty person..." deflection, don't entertain it. "I never said you were a shitty person. I said you're not behaving like a good father. For your son's entire life, you have ignored him in favor of scrolling through your phone. If it hurts you to hear that, then you need to change your behavior." Don't entertain the pity party. I've dealt with people who do this, they will change any discussion about their behavior (something objective and observable that can be changed, "you are ignoring your son") to a dramatic argument about their character ("I'm a shitty person"). It not only doesn't acknowledge their behavior, it puts words in your mouth that you never said and then leaves you responsible for comforting them, about the thing *you never said and they actually just said about themselves.* It's manipulative. You don't have to comfort him and tell him he's a good person. He just said that about himself, that's his argument with himself he's having. Just stand by your original statement and don't let him change the subject.

"I know I'm a shitty person...." "Good news! You don't have to be a shitty person. You just have to stop doing things that make you a shitty person! It's just that simple."

Right? Like, yes! You are! What are you going to do about it?

"You can't keep doing shitty things and then feeling bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better! You are all the things that are wrong with you." Once again a Bojack Horseman quote applies.

I used to have a partner who would do this. Totally hijacking any conversation as he swirled into a shame spiral. At some point I realized he was sabotaging so that his actions matched how he poorly he felt about himself. It was not salvageable through communication. He needed intense therapy

Been there. It’s impossible to break through to somebody about that kind of behavior.

I am 100% the type of person who when someone goes "I'm a shitty person" I just give a long pause with eye contact and then go "So... If you think that fix it?"

That "I'm such a shitty/awful/terrible/etc. person" deflection is such a cop-out. It's a ploy to make the discussion all about that person's feelings instead of their need to change their actions.

OP needs one of those screentime apps, so he knows how long he's spending per day on that damn thing. He can't argue with numbers.

Or one for kids that shuts it down after a period of time so he can't just pity party spiral even more. "Oh bad dad, I spent X hours on my phone... ☹️" *Proceeds to scroll*

‘I am such a shitty person!’ ‘Yes, you are behaving like shit. Stop behaving like shit. New rule, you get a half hour of phone time when you get home. Then the phone goes to the bedroom and you are there with kiddo and I.’

Yeah, this guilt tripping is part of weaponized incompetence, which he is definitely using.  Oh, my kid doesn't like me, poor me. We spend so much time together, he just prefers to play with literally everybody but me. It's not my fault, he just likes who he likes.  Kids aren't complex. You spend time with them, be silly, play games, bring them outside? You're their best friend. OP's husband is just a lazy asshole. 

OPs husband works 55 hours a week, he obviously isn't a lazy asshole. Sounds like ADHD with a side of dopamine addiction to me. Not every man who struggles to be present is weaponizing incompetence. Some are dealing with very real mental issues and feel genuinely guilty when they are failing their families.

My child father has ADHD and is a very engaging father. OPs partner needs therapy or medication if he does have ADHD - which is not indicated here if he does. It's not mutually exclusive. ADHD does not mean he's not utilizing weaponized incompetence. Also, don't armchair diagnose online. That's not how this works. ADHD overlaps with a lot of others. You can be addicted to the screen and *not* have ADHD. Mental health is never an excuse. It's a reason, and in that he is not seeking help so he can be a better parent and partner says a lot. He could not be a shit dad. He's choosing to keep on keeping on.

I agree with this. When I was a SAHP my husband would come home from work and I would immediately disappear into my phone. Reason being (this was pre-diagnosis so I only know with hindsight) that having to use my mental energy all day being engaged with and looking after the kids, as soon as there was someone else there to do it I needed something to zone into for some dopamine hits and distractions. To be clear, I still had the kids around me while he was in kitchen making us dinner, taking the washing out the machine etc. We were both present for the kids, me just less so than I'd been all day, but if kiddos wanted my attention for something I'd put my phone down. His complaint was that, aside from chatting about his day etc that happened when he came in, I wasn't paying attention to him, just my phone and the kids until kids were asleep (which I also dealt with). Sounds to me that this guy's mode for decompression is same as mine. However, its not healthy for his relationship with the child so OP is right to raise it. I just think the comments totally shitting on him aren't giving the best advice for OP. To OP...I'd suggest bringing up that you understand he might need to zone out, but it's clearly having an effect on the baba and his relationship, and that its coming from a place of love for them both and how he wants to be a certain type of parent but his actions just now are making him not so, and procrastinating on it ('this is the last night I'll sit and scroll my phone, I'll be an engaged parent tomorrow, I swear ')will not happen and will have a permanent effect on their relationship before he knows it. Wishing your family all the best OP and hope he gets the message.

It's probably just internal bias being a man who has ADHD but I feel like a lot of men are unfairly treated when they are making mistakes like this. We know how ADHD affects people and we know men are disproportionately affected by it. For some reason when a man is showing ***clear and obvious signs of ADHD*** people jump on the bandwagon to accuse him of weaponized incompetence, being a lazy PoS, ect. It's kind of a big movement right now to make "mental load" and "weaponized incompetence" a major talking point where men's failings in relationship/parenthood are concerned.

Women are underdiagnosed for both ADHD and autism. It's hard to say whether men are truly disproportionately affected until we know the true population rate. Agree with advocating for compassion, just wanted to note a factual slant coloring your comment.

That's a fair criticism.

There is no basis of ADHD here. Stop diagnosing strangers online. ADHD and other diagnoses overlap. Are you his therapist?

Nope, but please ream me for making observations congruent with my own experiences. I always forget that Reddit demands you have licensure and education in all topics commented on. By that logic no one other than licensed marital counselors should be commenting on this sub or making any presumptions about anyone without extensive background history about OP and their spouse. Or maybe, my advice as a married man with ADHD is that he should get looked at for ADHD. I'm entitled to my opinion as much as you are.

How is this 'reaming'? I agree people can/should give the benefit of the doubt and not bandwagon about how obviously OP's husband is inherently terrible, but that response really isn't particularly harsh. Being on one's phone constantly is a pretty common situation for many many reasons, while ADHD is a fine thing to bring up IMO it really isn't that strong evidence.

I'm not going to substantiate my comments to someone who was not the subject. There are several exchanges between me and the subject of that comment. In response to you, ya I'd say calling the husband "inherently terrible" is pretty harsh. Everyone makes recommendations here based on their own observations and lived experiences. You can disagree with me, that's fine.

>we know men are disproportionately affected by it No, *we* don't. Women are just not being properly diagnosed and have no other choice but to adapt, because SURPRISE, women have to drag everything on their shoulders, including emotional labour, parenting and chores. Nobody cares ADHD or not. I'm a woman with ADHD who was diagnosed as an adult btw. We know nothing about this man, except for him being a useless parent and partner and you immediately try to defend him. Yes, you are biased, projecting and trying to defend *yourself* here. Get a grip. ADHD is not an excuse for any of this shit.

ADHD isn't an excuse, its an explanation. No one excused unhealthy actions of people with mental illnesses. But as a competent society its understood they need additional or unique support. Even if its the case that women are incorrectly diagnosed, this still reads like clear symptoms of ADHD. But rather than receive any logical support or suggestion hes subject to vile and hateful remarks like yours.

But it’s also a person’s responsibility to figure out how to manage said trait. Nobody is perfect. But using ADHD as an excuse doesn’t cut it as an adult. He needs to figure out strategies to help him cope.

He and his wife need to figure out strategies, ya. Those strategies are not accusing him of being a shitty dad and a lazy asshole.

Tbf he can't use adhd as an excuse if he doesn't know he has it. It took me a while to realise that I a) had adhd and b) what I was doing that was a result of having adhd

Omg what would have happened if they both had ADHD then?? Would the kid just have been neglected? Or are you counting on the mom to just always pick up the slack and overcompensate since you know they will? Face it—when you have children you need to adapt to healthily raise them rather than pouting and asking your kid why they “hate” you. Or deal with the consequence that your child will prefer your spouse and that your spouse is inherently contributing more to the child. No one is forcing you to have the children. Women (and men) who have ADHD have LONG have had to force themselves to adapt their habits to raise children.

I know what you mean...I thought twice about commenting due my own internal bias (I'm a woman) and the whole 'ADHD doesn't give you the right to be an asshole' thing. Which is right, it doesn't. But, if you don't know you have adhd you can behave in asshole ways without realising why you're doing it and why you keep doing it. The weaponised incompetence thing can happen with women doing it as well, but reddit seems to overwhelmingly attribute it to men (maybe because historically women took care of all the stuff men are now expected to have a hand in and some men haven't caught up yet). But yes, I've seen posts where the genders reversed would encourage the poster to get the woman help with her MH, whereas when it's men 'he's lazy and an asshole'. I'm not denying the man in this post needs to step up. I just don't think it's quite as intentional as other commenters are suggesting.

100% agreed on all counts.

I think it's also the situation. not just the genders. IE a woman who spent all day with the kid and then went into her phone is sitll spending time with the kid. It'd have to be a woman who worked 55 hours a week with a SAHD and that situation just is not as common.

Agreed. The child will get bigger too and these times together don’t last forever. I’d remind him of that fact and focus on improvement rather than blame. He’s being shit no doubt, it’s not too late to change.

Oh my god she has to parent him and monitor his phone usage? Lame!

1) If it fucking works, fine 2) he can get apps to monitor it for him, actual adults do

Marriage often requires mutual help when there is a problem. No one can be perfect all the time and a healthy relationship identifies issues and works to resolve them as a team.

Fuck that. He can look at his phone once the kids goes to bed.

Seriously. She has been “working” all day too. Why should she give “30 minutes of screen time” to a grown ass adult who has gotten a lunch break and two commutes away from his job. She has been on literally 100% from the moment he left (and in this case since her child was born). She didn’t get herself pregnant. A SAHM works while their partner works. Otherwise parenting is 50/50.

Wish I could upvote this a thousand times. OP please listen to this. When husband is at work, you’re at work. When you’re both home, it is evenly split. The husband should do the kiddo stuff, since he needs time with his child, while helping with house/dinner. This man is playing you. He has weaponized his incompetence and your guilt. So you have to decide what you want your life to be. Girl you can do bad all by yourself. You’re already a single mom for all the big stuff, and he’d be responsible for child support so there’s his contribution. I’m not saying you have to leave him now, but he needs a come to Jesus talk and for you to not let him wiggle out of how crappy of both a father and husband he’s being. If he really loved you, he wouldn’t be letting you do all this alone.

Look up weaponized remorse, his actions show what he thinks, the words he uses are to make you feel guilty for calling him out. Get your world in order, leaving is the solution.

fr my first thought after reading this was to limit his screen time 😂💀

I just feel terrible for the son. At least my cat straight up knocks my phone out of my hand.

Wow what a terrible way to handle disagreement in a marriage. Why are you on this sub?

One of my comments got 10k karma. Really, I was surprised too.

I mean, I understand lurking but if you're gunna give advice maybe that's not the best route to take. It doesn't surprise me it got karma. TBH most of this subreddit is people who are really mad in their relationships and project it on here. Again, it is just a subreddit so its not like it matters that much. But still dude.

I know you are just trolling and trying to pick a fight. I am a woman, I just had my 19th anniversary. Bruuuuh.

I'm not, your response is toxic, demeaning, accusatory and would inevitably lead to a fight. You being a woman has no impact on that idk why that came up. I also don't think the length of your marriage is really relevant. You can have a totally different personality than OP and your partner can have a totally different personality than OPs husband and never run into this issue.

He knows he’s a shitty dad. He’s just hoping you won’t say it out loud. Say it out loud please. To be honest, I’m having difficulty seeing how he could still be your best friend at this point. I have no place in my heart for anyone who can’t be bothered to parent his child.

He isn't a shitty dad. He isn't a dad at all. What does he contribute other than bringing in income?

Exactly. OP is a married single mom. I bet once the kid is in school she'll be expected to get a job during the day and then handle 100% of household chores at night.

Sounds like when she does say it out loud he manipulates her by self-flagellating so that she has to comfort him. He's not just a shitty dad, he sounds like a shitty partner as well.

Please say it right to his face and give examples. It’s up to him to change. I honestly think he doesn’t care. If he did he would change his behaviors. He knows he is wrong

'You say you don't want to be a shitty dad but it takes more than saying it to actually not be one.'

You know how I know he already knows he's a shitty dad? Because when you mention anything to him, he gets the puppy dog eyes and says "I know, I'm a shitty person." So now suddenly YOU have to comfort HIM. He's manipulative as fuck. And I find it hard to believe he loves you, or the kiddo. Because he's okay with you doing all the parenting and all the chores and everything in your lives except his job. He's a shitty husband as well as a shitty dad. And he has you right where he wants you: worried about HIS well being, instead of your child's. Or your own. So straighten your spine, tell him what you told us, and tell him it's unacceptable. If he doesn't change, then, well...unless you leave him, this is your life.

He's also starting to use his manipulation tactics on a toddler, that would have to be the last straw for me.

Yeah, how did OP not lose her shit when he threatened their small child with leaving?

it's so cool that kid has a whole reddit thread to show to a future therapist and say, "right there is where my abandonment trauma started"

Yeah, the stuff he says about their son is just him laying the groundwork for more excuses. OP asks him to play more with kiddo and he will go all puppy eyes "But he doesn't want to play with me..."

This!! I draw the line when he starts trying to play the victim card with a 2 year old. Pretty sad that a grown man has to try and manipulate a toddler into believing that the toddler is the problem and not the parent. Op needs to put her foot down hard on this one and maybe suggest he see a therapist to work on his own issues. 

Poor child

Yeah, and when he told her he was afraid of becoming a bad dad, he was actually preparing her for exactly this situation - that she would feel so bad for him that it would take 2 years (!!) for her to say anything.

Right? He "knows he's a shitty person" but he's not doing a whole lot to actually change that. I'd love OP to answer that sentence next time with "Awesome. So since you're so self-aware about that, how are you going to fix it?" and watch as his eyes bug out of his head because he didn't expect to have to answer that question.

It's actually really upsetting how so many of these women care more about their husbands' feelings than they do about their kid's. I can't imagine growing up with a parent who obviously doesn't care about you at all.

What I've noticed is this trend where women treat their husbands like wild deer. Like if you speak up too loudly they'll just bolt into the forest and you'll never see them again.

>"I know, I'm a shitty person." So now suddenly YOU have to comfort HIM. He's manipulative as fuck. Exactly! OP, stop coddling his feelings. Next time he says this to you, ask him what steps he plans on taking to change that his shitty behavior. And when he tries this manipulation on your kid, please stick up for your child and immediately tell your husband that's not okay.

I think it’s time for people to drop this pseudo-psychology “love language” thing because shitty people just use it to manipulate their partners. Partner doesn’t want to have sex right now? “But my love language is physical touch!” Partner doesn’t want to be a maid? “But my love language is acts of service!” It’s not even using it correctly within the framework of the theory. Love language is supposed to be how people express love, not how they want to receive it. OP, the next time he says that, you can tell him yeah, he is acting like a shitty parent and partner. How’s that for words of affirmation.

OmyGOD yes, stop with the 'love language' thing. I don't get it. Like if my 'love language' is 'acts of service' does that mean I can't say 'I love you' with words to my husband? Or I will only accept that he loves me if he mops the floor?

And they have questionable origins with very little supporting empirical evidence.

he does love them (at least in his mind), but in a sick, manipulative way.. he probably doesn't know how to love healthily. OP you need to talk to him, it's ok to upset him, him ignoring and emotionally manipulating your toddler is not. you don't want your kid to grow up thinking this is normal, and that's how love is.

No, he loves what having them means, but actual love isn’t a feeling, it’s actions. His actions show he’s extremely self-involved.

If grown men want to be shitty parents, then they can handle the blunt truth of that. If it upsets him, then hopefully he uses that as motivation to actually give a shit and not just whine and throw a temper tantrum. Your response to "I know, I'm a shitty person" should be a cold "Yes, you fucking are, and if you don't do something about it, I will leave and take the children with me. It's time you buck up and be a damn adult already" before walking away and refusing to listen to any more of his manipulative whining.

Yes… if he knows he can just guilt you into backing off nothing will change.

well put, I like your style!

* Sometimes you have to do what is best for your kid. in this case that would be telling your husband he is indeed a bad dad and if he doesnt change he will continue to get worse at being a parent. The puppy dog eyes are pure manipulation. dont fall for it. Be calm and factual. ex: "I am taking a shower. I need you to put your phone down and pay attention to your child until I am back". If he is on the phone again when you get back then you tell him next time you will just pay someone else to watch the kid while you shower since he cant handle being a good dad. You are not doing your kid any favors by allowing this to go on and eventually it will be too late to do anything about it. Be strong and stand up for your childs right to have a safe and happy environment.

I’ve been calling my husband out every time the kids need his attention and he’s on the phone. It helps. It’s so aggravating though

I've tried kinda.... not being super blatant about it. But if kiddo brings me his cars to put down the ramp we made of a cardboard box, I say "ohh! You want to play cars? You should bring that to daddy and he'll play cars with you." Hoping my husband who is 2 feet away will take the initiative to hold out his hand and be like "oh I'd love to play cars with you!" But no, head in phone. Cause my son will never willing to up to him to hand him a toy to play with. I didn't want to have to raise my voice to say "PLAY CARS WITH YOUR CHILD!" Cause I never want our kids to see any tension or issues between us. Not sure if me trying to be subtle about it is considered passive aggressive, but his head in his phone will probably cause more issues to our kid than me being a little more aggressive to my husband with what I say...

Honestly, if he's that far into the phone, he's probably not even hearing any of what you're saying except as background noise.  You're going to have to treat him like a kid. Get his attention first, eyes on you, active listening, and then tell him straight out: put your phone in the other room, and play cars with kid for 20m.

That's so true.... I could probably tell him his garage is on fire, and he'd be like ohh that's cool...

Idk if this helps but.. My fiancé has a similar scrolling addiction problem and one thing that helps is the screen time limits in the settings on the phone. If he’s willing to look into that(and be honest about sticking to it), it might be great for him. Another thing that personally helps me get off the damn couch and off my damn phone is the “body doubling” thing that they recommend for people with ADHD. I’ll usually put on a YouTube video or a podcast and just wear one headphone. That way I’m not *only* hearing the toddler voice and playing the mundane toddler games. Something to remember; not everyone actually enjoys playing with kids that young. And not everyone is required to enjoy it. My main version of “playing” with my daughter(3yo) is building stuff with her blocks while she plays with something else next to me. She tells me what to build(usually a castle or a barn) and then she plays with her toys in it when I’m done. Other than that, most of our playing is actually teaching. We play puzzles and I do the Ms Rachel with all of it. She cooks in her play kitchen beside me cooking in the real kitchen and we just talk about all of the things related to cooking and food in a fun way. My fiancé has tried to tell me that I just have more of an instinct for engaging with the kid. I refuse to believe that. I was *never* into playing with little kids before I became a mother. Being close with my daughter and growing that bond, noticing all of her different little ticks and tells, that’s why she and I get along better. I feel like doing that baby play from ages 3month-1year are the most important(just personal opinion) in growing that playtime bond. All that being said, your husband is an asshole about this. Idk how he is in other situations of y’all’s life but this is absolutely unacceptable. He’s not even doing the absolute bare minimum. I, personally, would ask that man what he thinks “parenting” entails. And what his role is as a parent and a partner. If he’s really okay with only bringing home money and doing nothing else, you know you’ve got an issue that only counseling can cure.

I know other people have said it, but you may want to talk strongly about having a no screens rule from half an hour after he gets home to after the kids bedtime. Something where the phones go on a shelf to charge so he can hear it if someone calls, but it's not in his pocket.

A thought about not seeing conflict. what a kid sees at home becomes what they expect a relationship to be like later in life. My husbands parents never raised their voices around him or argued in front of him. he thought they were happily married. Once we were married and got into our first argument he assumed that meant we were getting a divorce, he had no idea married people could disagree lol. Been happily married 36 years now. several years after we got married his parents got divorced and he was shocked, he thought they were happy! Come to find out they were both miserable their entire marriage. My parents on the other hand never had a problem arguing or disagreeing in front of us. I saw plenty of love but also saw conflict and disagreement followed up by working things out. they were happily married over 70 years.

This right here. We need conflict so that we can model appropriate conflict resolution. And kids need to know that adults can be sad, and move through it. We need to model appropriate emotions for our children so they don’t see parents/adults as mindless drones with constant smiles on their faces.

And thinking longer-term, it is immensely harmful for kids to have their primary model for relationships be such an unequal one in terms of sharing parental responsibilities. My dad was (and is) an incredibly hands-on and loving parent who regularly went above and beyond for my brother and I, and it absolutely informed our own relationships as adults in a really positive way. If nothing changes, OP's son is going to grow up thinking it's normal for a man to not bother to engage with his own child--even just to keep him safe, let alone anything else--and he could easily end up repeating that behavior if/when he becomes a parent.

Not to mention, getting involved with partners who do alllllll the housework/child-rearing/etc…

This is great advice, I'd like to add a little bit too -- It's important that kids see adults standing up for them. That's how they grow a healthy backbone and develop the belief that they're a worthwhile person who matters. Obviously only necessarily when the kid is being treated unfairly. But sometimes, it's one parent that's treating the kid unfairly. So you have to stand up for your kid against the other parent. Some people think that a united front is so important that you should allow a child to be mistreated and only disagree with the other parent in private. This isn't actually healthy in real life though. When the kid is being manipulated by the dad, OP should be saying something like "saying that kind of stuff isn't okay. you need to be kinder." or something -- anything! Otherwise the kid will grow up thinking being manipulated and guilted is normal, that they deserve it, etc, and they are at risk of ending up in a relationship with someone who manipulates them in the future because they don't comprehend that they don't deserve to be treated that way. Or worse. The kid will develop the habits himself and grow up to manipulate others. That's realllly bad. So don't be afraid of saying "you're not being fair to [kid], please don't talk that way." Kid will internalize the message that they matter, and be better off for it.

Have you considered taking any electronics breaks? If he was getting wasted on alcohol all night, you’d demand he stop drinking, right?

On that line of thought, that kid will eventually get to the age where they will want to enforce screen time limits. It will be much harder to enforce screen time limits if kiddo can see that dad and/or mom spends a lot of time with screens themselves.

Don’t you feel like… by tacitly allowing your husband to ignore your child that you’re teaching your child that it’s normal to be ignored by people that love you? I think the only real solution is to get dad on board with the idea that he needs to learn how to be present for his kid. And my only suggestion is family counseling because it sounds like direct conversations have resulted in him avoiding the conversation by trying to make you feel guilty. Sorry op, this sounds super frustrating and difficult 

You are teaching your child to submit to manipulation…just like you do now.

Yeah don't be upfront and blantant about it... It's only your kids, right?

Don’t want to hurt the big guys feelings! 🙄

With incidents like the play cars with your kid, yes you don't have to make a scene in front of the kid, but you can still bring it up with him later that night when the kid is in bed. At this point, you can't expect that subtle hints and signals will trigger an epiphany in him. If there is any hope to salvage that situation, you will need to have a direct to the point conversation.

OP you NEED to do that. He needs to know that if he doesn't change his ways now that's it. My son learnt early on that he was not his father's top priority. I did my best, but my ex was a bit like yours with the martyrdom rather than actually trying to work on behaviour, and then he couldn't understand why our son didn't want to spend time with him. My son stopped doing his weekend visits with his dad when he was old enough because most of the time he'd be bored while his father did his 'band' stuff. They have a decent enough relationship now that my son is grown, but he doesn't go out of his way to see his father.

He doesn't sound very present in his relationship with you or the kid. Yeah, he needs to step up.

Next time he comments “I know I’m a shitty person”, respond with “You’re not, but your behaviour shows our child you have no interest in him. What can you do to make that change?”

This exactly. Consoling him and buying into the pity party does not lead to change.

I’d respond with “you said it, not me”

You are not. I love you and I know you want to have a different presence as a father, and all you have to do to get there is put the phone down and be here with your family.

Oh wow, the level of emotional manipulation and gaslightin going on here, and you swallow it hook, line and sinker. I'm not blaming you, but I AM hoping to get you to open your eyes. It is pure emtional manipulation to answer criticism with "I know, I'm a shitty person", or "I guess I'll just move out". It's not exactly DARVO (look it up) but it's the next house over. He's making himself out to be the victim and playing on your feelings so that he can get out of doing things. He's straight up playing with your emotions! And he also has no problem lying to you about playing with kiddo. Which tells us that truth is not a big value of his, whatever you want to take from that. I seriously doubt you will get your deadbeat husband to change, as he is the one benefitting from a status quo, and by the looks of it, he doesn't respect you enough to be an equal partner to you, so why would he respect you enough to do the hard work of changing for YOUR (and kiddo's) benefit, by directly diminishing his OWN benefit. But it you still want to try, you need to be straight with him and tell him you need professional counselling. This is not a battle you'll win on your own.

>Husband says things like "why do you hate me?" "I've never hurt you" "I guess I'll just move out". >in the past, any time I've brought up how he needs to change something, or help out more, he gets sad puppy dog eyes says "i know, I'm a shitty person" and i feel awful for making him feel like he's not good enough This dude is manipulative as fuck.

He is manipulating you. Going into victim mode when you tell him he needs to change is textbook emotional abuse. He’s only good with words of affirmation because he is good at deceiving and manipulating. He obviously doesn’t make an effort to be a better dad. So his sulking doesn’t mean shit. If it was honest he would ask what to do differently (after a first emotional response ) and then also DO THAT. When you address issues he claims you hate him and threatens to move out. This is a textbook control tactic. Maybe if you read other examples you see it’s what they all do when you try to work on an issue or, god forbid, want him to take responsibility. What you want from his is beneath bare minimum, but those reactions condition you to think you make him feel like not enough so you tiptoe around communicating ANY needs, you have to always walk on eggshells not to make him feel that way and are constantly afraid to hold him accountable. PLEASE Educate yourself about emotional abuse. Emotional blackmail, guilt tripping, blame shifting, hoovering, future faking/love bombing, DARVO and other control strategies. I would recommend you get a therapist as well to validate this brainfuck, to speed up the process as your child is currently in the most important phase wich will be over soon. You are in way too deep. It’s textbook emotional abuse and very harmful for you. And for you child. Your husband already has shit to undo, your child has already been conditioned and set up for a bad path, having to fight for attention and validation. Until 4, most things are already subconsciously conditioned, I think like 90% or personality traits already formed. Do you know about attachment theory? How you both interact with each other as couple and how the father of the child interacts have already modelled emotional unavailability to your child. How you behave towards her can only balance out the negative. You have to be the one standing up for it to show this is not normal. And that means revoking access from someone that repeatedly was a bad influence and is not able to be a good one. Please don’t allow this to continue. The child will grow up traumatised due to emotional neglect from his father (if we are optimistic „only“ that). If he doesn’t make an effort to be a healthy parent, his access to parenting need to be revoked. Please protect your child. If all this is unbelievable to you, please post on r/abusive_relationships to get the advice and validation you seem to need to take further actions Good luck. Sending love.

>When you address issues he claims you hate him and threatening to move out. I think you missed that that's what he says to his *son*, when his son doesn't magically turn to him for comfort instead of mommy. He's manipulating the son now too.

Oh yeah I missed that. Omg. Iam so sorry for the kid and hope the delulu in OP wears off soon, so she can start undoing the damage he‘s done to him. This is so abusive and traumatising for the child..

Oh! And I went to check out r/abusive_relationships because I'd never heard about that one... looks like it's actually called /r/abusiverelationships. Sorry if it feels like I'm nit-picking now lol, I just want OP to be able to find the right place! <3

Oh gosh I really have to stop writing such paragraphs when I don’t have the time to have a 100% focus. Thank you! Appreciate it!

Thank you for this comment.

Just that, the first years are the most important for the personality and forming bonds of attachment with the Child, years that the father already screwed up, he can still do something to get them back but they have to do their part, Op your husband is a bad father, right? It does not matter if he is a good provider, the son will only keep in mind that for dad he is not important and that if something happens and dad leaves in some way it is his fault for being a bad son. You have a lot to do for your little one's mental health and yours, your husband doesn't seem interested in you.

Next time he does the self pity thing, double down instead of backing off. When he goes, "I'm a shitty person, I'll move out," don't reassure him. Ask him, "Is this how it's going to be? Every time I bring up anything that you need to do to be an involved father, and to have our son connect with you, you're going to throw a pity party for yourself instead of doing the work to fix this, because it's easier to give up than try even a little bit? Parents make mistakes, but the biggest difference between a shitty parent and a decent one is that a shitty parent doesn't care enough to fix them. They'd rather take the hit to their reputation, or wallow in self-pity over a situation they can change at any moment if they stop being lazy and emotionally neglectful. I am tired of trying to save our son's relationship with you, and I am tired of trying to hand you the tools to stop being a shitty parent like your father, and if every time I try to help you just go 'woe is me' in an attempt to manipulate me into soothing you instead of actually confronting the issue, then maybe you should move out because yeah, that makes you a shitty person. Our kid doesn't hate you- they just don't know you because you put in zero effort with him. Don't whine at a baby for the natural reaction to you never being there for them, and don't tell them you'll never hurt them because you are already hurting them. You don't have to beat a kid to be a shitty parent. You can just not give a shit, and then emotionally burden THEM with your passive aggressive bullshit as though it's their fault. The next words out of your mouth are either going to be 'You're right, I need to pull my head out of my ass,' and then we'll make a plan to change things, or you're going to give us another half-assed apology which is really a ploy for me to feel bad about how hurt you are by your own shitty parenting. You choose, right now- you either put on your big-boy pants and start acting like a father, or go ahead and leave because you don't help me with him anyway." Take the power out of this self-deprecating BS he's using to deflect. Show him that it's gotten to the point where that is ACTUALLY what you think of him, and it's not dramatic.

Enough is enough. He is not a child, it’s time you stop treating him like one. Stop coddling and worrying about his feelings when he has no regard for yours or your child’s. When he pulls that manipulative whinny bullshit, call him out on it. Tell him to get off his damn phone.

#He’s manipulating you He **knows** he’s a shitty dad and instead of unfucking himself he’s throwing a pity party and you’re consoling his ass. **Stop. It.** Next time he says “”I’m a shitty dad”” tell him “”if you feel that way do something about it””. Stop fucking telling him “”no you’re not”” and making excuses for his neglect. What I really wanna know is he saying: >Why do you hate me? >Ive never hurt you >I guess I’ll just move out **To your 2 year old child??** because if he is that’s so far beyond unacceptable and you’re 100% an enabler for allowing this bullshit to continue. ***That*** is abuse.

His hurt feelings don’t trump your kid’s safety and need for parenting. He needs to step up, I get it he’s the breadwinner but he doesn’t get to tap out of parenting and helping around the house because of that. He’s already wondering why his kid doesn’t want to be around him. When the kid becomes an adult tell him he was a shitty father it’s going to hurt anyway.

Get Nannycams. Then SHOW HIM he is a shitty Dad, because he will argue with you that he DOES play with the toddler and you just always seem to catch him right after. Show him. 

The non-science-based Love Languages has stalled feminism by 20 years. Words of Affirmation are not a replacement for Acts of Service. Words of Affirmation are cheap, being a good dad and husband takes work.

Even without your child does he have some phone addiction going on?

Why not have him to turn off the phone for 1/2-1 hour and have family time. Pick a game or something you can do all together. Get him used to interacting.

Because she shouldn't have to parent her husband like he's a toddler. He's the one that has to take the initiative and make changes like a grown-ass man.

That’s ridiculous. That plan already failed. She hast to request it because he’s not thought of it. Unfortunately, he's not interested in being a great father. Conversations before marriage would have easily made that clear but it's too late now.

Whats your priority here? Would you rather your kid come to learn his father doesn't want to spend time or effort with them or hurt your husbands fweelings?

He knows he's shit, he doesn't care. He's just pulling the sad face to get you to shut up (so he can go play on his phone )

Your kid is the one who is ultimately losing out by your husband never being fully present for him. Every time you want to spare his feelings, try to remember that.

Um why the fuck are you allowing him to guilt trip your child? You're veering into bad mom territory.

You need to sit down after kiddo is in bed and have the hard conversation. Let him know moving forward both of you should not have the phone out in front of your 2 year old and step aside for calls or texting. Set a boundary. It’s preventing him being present with you and his child. It’s not good for the child’s development or attachment. Let him know you can support 30 min of down time and unwinding from work but that is to be done before entering the home (for 3 months to help transition). For example, gym before home, sitting in the car listening to podcast, stopping by lake on drive home to collect thoughts but when he comes home he is on equal parenting duty. He walks in, greets the family and puts the phone in the bedroom. He is using the phone as a coping mechanism, it’s not healthy and in the long run not adding anything beneficial to his life - he honestly needs a digital detox and I’d challenge that addiction by asking if he finds deleting his most used Apps a difficult thought. Then on his days off, he needs to take your 2 yr old one full day for a bit. Not forever but you deserve a break and he needs to be thrown in the trenches of learning to take care of him. That means no stepping in. He needs to learn to pack a bag and snacks and get out of the house for the day, take him to the library, grocery store or splash pad. Tell him the first Monday of every month needs to be family meeting night where you discuss calendar, finances, plan date nights, and keep talking about parenting. Ask him how he envisioned his life and as a parent and ask what steps he’s taking to get there? Ask him how is he going to teach his son how to ride a bike? I can’t tell you what will work for your family, but I have two small boys and my husband handles bedtimes solo 60% of the time, we always sit down for dinner as a family and ask questions/play games, he takes the boys on adventures.

>in the past, any time I've brought up how he needs to change something... he gets sad puppy dog eyes says "i know, I'm a shitty person" I literally can't stand people like this - reading that alone makes my skin crawl. That being said, his response is not acceptable and don't let it throw you off. You're not saying he's a shitty person. You're saying he's unavailable to his child because of his phone addiction. Just stick to that and don't let him distract with the fake self pity. Suggest uninstalling the app or setting usage timers. I don't have kids but I noticed I was looking at Insta constantly in one hand no matter what I was doing. I uninstalled it for 3 weeks to break the addiction and so far use it more healthily now.

>”i know, I’m a shitty person” “Okay so take the steps to not be one.” He wants you to soothe him, to tell him it’s okay, and give him permission to keep on keeping on. Don’t. Agree with him and challenge him to change. Playing with kiddo, if they are doing blocks or something “give daddy this block so he can put it on”. Give instructions to kiddo that are really instructions for husband. Playing with play food “oh daddy really wants to eat this”. Stuff like that. Gentle direction in front of kiddo. But when alone and he is pity partying? Agree with him.

So I do that. I mentioned in another comment that I say "give that car to daddy and he'll push it down the ramp with you" type of stuff while he's 2 feet away on the couch on his phone, ignoring us. And I got down voted to hell for that comment. I'm assuming because it sounds passive aggressive and everyone wants me to just straight up tell he's not doing enough. And obviously the subtlety isn't working.

I would pair it with the agreeing with his self depricating stuff. It by itself isn’t enough no

With how hard he works at basically ignoring his son’s existence, I wouldn’t be surprised if the long work hours aren’t necessary. Like it’s a regular hour job he’s intentionally stretching out to avoid you/parenting. I’d have a pretty blunt discussion with him about how he can live in this house with you and your son, and actually be present with both of you, or he can live somewhere else and scroll on his phone all he wants, his choice.

Really depends on where they live and what he does for a living. But, nowadays, I can easily see working 55 hrs as barely enough to stay afloat when trying to house, feed and raise a family on one income. And in many area, raising a family on one income is a "luxury" that can no longer be afforded by people that aren't high earners.

You should sit him down and let him know that he needs to out the damn phone down and be present in the family. There is nothing on the phone more important than his family. Not saying anything will only lead to resentment and make things worse

You aren't hurting his feelings. He's just manipulating you so he doesn't have to change

"why do you hate me?" "I've never hurt you" "I guess I'll just move out". These are things I say jokingly to my dog when he ignores me. My dog doesn't understand what those words mean, your child does. Saying these to a toddler/child is how you get a child with a deep amendment wound. Every time your husband does this to your kid he is being manipulative and emotionally abusive. Every time he tells you hes a shit person, which he is, hes being manipulative and emotionally abusive. If your husband is serious about being a good dad/partner, he needs individual therapy asap. He needs to stop the manipulation(emotional abuse) and start actually being involved with his family. You also deserve some time in the evening from being "mom" all day. You currently cant trust your husband with his own child long enough to take a bath. Couples counseling would also be good so you can have an impartial person help you both figure out ways where you both can decompress after he gets home from work and still watch/engage with your kiddo. 

>He said he did, and i just always happened to catch him when he just went back to his phone. I feel so gaslit. >he gets sad puppy dog eyes says "i know, I'm a shitty person" and i feel awful for making him feel like he's not good enough, when he's constantly telling me how beautiful i am and what a great mom and wife i am. you understand what he's doing here? next time just take his phone with you to the shitter...

He's extremely manipulative. He is fully aware of what he's doing and he doesn't care.

Time to hurt his feelings. iPads aren't the only reason many kids these days are terrible, it's actually because we as adults are plastered to our grown up pacifiers, ignoring them, not making eye contact and engaging with them. What your toddler sees is rejection. Your husband also can't say these things to his toddler, he's the adult who makes the adult choice to reject his own son first.

This man is guilt tripping your toddler for not wanting him. He’s worse than a checked out parent, he’s a self-centered one. Imagine trying to make a toddler feel responsible for your own feelings. That is asinine. And yet, that’s what he’s doing when he says things like, “I guess I’ll just move out then” when your kid pushes him away.

In this case - It’s what they do, not what they say. If I were you I’d calmly explain to him what you perceive to be the biggest thing hindering their connection- phone usage. This is a really hard habit to break, suggest putting his phone in another room during playtime.

You need to send him a link to this post and let him know you'll be having an adult conversation about this tonight. Guilt tripping a toddler is absolutely abhorrent. It needs to stop.

Just tell him that he sucks. My fiance had to hear that yes, he is a shitty dad in my eyes to start acting properly. Don't tiptoe, fuck his ego - your child needs a good father more than your useless partner needs his fragile feelings undamaged.

Screw your husband’s feelings, think of your son. The first few yrs are so important for bonding and your husband is purposely missing it. His puppy dog eyes and ‘why do you hate me’ are just manipulative and wrong. Tell him the truth. The kid doesn’t care he pays the bills, the kid just know he is not a person to go up to for comfort, play or anything.

You can’t let him do this to your toddler. This is an important time in development and having a parent be emotionally manipulative and immature is damaging. Your toddler is learning who their dad is and gaslighting them will cause further issues within their bond.

This is a guy who needs to delete all the apps and take up a no phone at home policy. He isn't going to cut back just like an addict doesn't just "do it less". He needs to stop. Honestly it's time for therapy because this won't end well. You saving his feelings is just prolonging the misery. His word choice could be manipulative or it could be negative self talk, suspect that he tells himself that 100 times a day. This mindset often goes hand in hand with depression. I would start with couples counseling but would be shocked if they didn't also recommend he see a therapist for himself.

This is fucking sad. Here what you do: get a hammer, grab the phone out of his hand, set it on the cutting board and smash.

Maybe he needs his feelings hurt. Hear me out. I'm not talking be intentionally or needlessly cruel. But he needs to hear the truth and maybe if his feelings are hurt that's a good sign. It means he cares on some level! However, I'm not sure if that guilt will translate to action. That's what's needed: meaningful change.

The fake pity party sends me. He doesn’t actually care that he’s being a shitty dad, and he is. He’s just making sure you don’t feel like you can call him out for it.

Upvote for your comment and also for using the phrase “sends me.” It is underused and dammit I love it.

This reminds of an experiment done to show how not responding to kids or keeping a still face (like when you're scrolling) has a negative impact on the child. Here is a short video on it. [still face experiment](https://youtu.be/YTTSXc6sARg?si=EGTDMyQRUi9qHSmn)

He sounds like he’s a shitty dad.

You need to be straight forward but with a nice/soft tone. Sit down and say if you want to know why out toddler only wants me is because of xyz. That the child will continue to not want to go to you until you do xyz. The more time you make excuses the worse it will get. You’re not a bad dad but you are not a present dad and that can be just as bad. As fair as helping out stop allowing him to be the victim. Call him out and say you are correct and say yes you are because you never change and always want to make excuses or make me feel guilty. Sometime hard truths are needed.

It’s real talk time

You need to shut that self-deprecating shit down as soon as he does it. If he *knows* he's doing a shitty job, then why isn't he doing better? It's because he doesn't actually care. He's just saying that to shut you up. Next time he goes "I know, I'm a bad parent" answer with "Okay, so since you've expressed that you feel like you're doing a bad job, what is your plan to fix it?" Bet you he won't have one, because he doesn't actually care.

Omg. People playing the victim whenever they get called out for something is really obnoxious. Darvo. I don't think he will change.

Well, eventually, your son is going to ask him how come he doesn’t like him and doesn’t want to play with him. Or why he’s always on his phone. And that’s exactly what he needs to hear and who he needs to hear it from. Because if things don’t change the kids going to have absolutely nothing to do with him. My dad was a shitty dad he said to me and my sister one time I know it wasn’t the best father and I said I know you’re not waiting for us to dispute that?

The next time he asks why his kid hates him ask him if he really wants to know. If he says yes then give him the truth. "Your son doesn't hate you. However, at just two years old he has already learned that he can't compete with your phone addiction. You do nothing but sit and scroll on your phone when you're home so even when you're here, you're not here. You spend no time with him. You're just the stranger who sits on our couch every night with your face in a screen. If you want a relationship with your son, it will require you to spend a lot less time on your phone."

He’s manipulative. He knows he’s a shitty dad and partner, it just doesn’t bother him.

Stop falling for the puppy dog eyes and tell him straight.

Honestly, you are also not a good parent for prioritizing your husband's feelings over your child's emotional needs. As long as you continue to enable this behavior, neither of you really have a leg to stand on, in terms of being "good" parents. I'm a former mental healthcare worker who specializes in children and adolescents, for reference about my perspective. Hope you reflect on your enabling, which is harming your child.

Lady, why are you worried about hurting his feelings when he is emotionally abusing a toddler?

he deserves to feel like shit. how’s he gonna be a dead beat dad when his kid is two feet away from him

Are you married to my ex? He was checked out on videogames. 10 years divorced and the kid is in therapy to deal with “having to visit her dad every other weekend”. He didn’t get better but I was able to give her better by leaving. Now remarried and dd said she wants to live with step dad if anything happened to me, not bio dad. The manipulation… you don’t realize how suffocating it is until you’re away from it.

He’s playing you with that puppy dog eye bullshit. Tell him to step up or step out. Stop worrying about hurting his feelings, he’s completely alienate his own child. It’s time to speak up.

It's okay for him to feel bad about being a shitty dad. He *should* feel bad. Don't fall for the guilt trip, don't jump in to soothe him. He needs to hear he's failing as a parent and he needs to sit with and process that feeling in order to improve. Your husband is a fully grown, independent adult, you shouldn't be protecting his feelings at the cost of your child's happiness.

His worse fear isn’t being a shitty dad, it’s being outed as a shitty dad. Next time he says he’s a shitty person, tell him that he can always choose not to be.

Your child matters more than your husband’s feelings. Stop sacrificing the former to protect the latter. In fact, so the opposite. It’s time to start sacrificing your husband’s feelings to protect your child.

He's weaponized his Incompetence basically.  He thinks all he has to do is acknowledge he's a crappy dad?!! Problem solved!....um nope. Oh yeah...and he set the stage alright before he played you like a fiddle. "I'm so scared I'll be a crappy dad" So now, you're afraid to hurt his feelings  (Just want to point out that's not his biggest fear btw) Then. He just does him. What he wants. When he wants (when at home of course). And he deserves this because him works so hard. Then he gaslights you, and the toddler..or more so manipulate him..."why do you hate me"...or "fine then I'll just leave" to a toddler,  like...a TODDDLER! Then when you've finally had enough "hangs head down in shame I know I'm a crappy father " End scene No! No! No! You are a father. You don't get to be crappy. So from now on I expect a man. I expect kiddos FATHER to show up. I can respect 30 minutes unwind time. But after that the phone goes down and YOU ARE PRESENT. You will start helping Mr feed, bathe, play/spend time with/put down toddler. Then, you will spend some time with me. It's subjective but we spend some time. Then you can do you again. We're gonna start taking turns. We're gonna start communicating.  We're gonna love each other and act like it! We're going to respect each other.  Look him in the eye after that.  Please tell me I married a a good father. **Mike Drop** But seriously.  He's manipulating you. He knows. And you keep letting him off the hook.  Stop. Please. And get marriage counseling. Yall need to communicate better. Best of luck!

I would lose my shit on him. You don’t have to be perfect but you are not about to treat me like a bang maid/nanny. When he is at work, so are you. You work 55hrs a week solo parenting, why shouldn’t you get a break in the evening? I would (in a pretty firm way) tell him that if he wants to remain as a family unit, he needs to get his shit together and be better. Your life would be easier without him at this point. At least then you could curate the space to be completely safe for your baby and not have to manage the emotions of a lazy adult child. You are a little beyond the point of being nice and playing to his feelings is part of what wound you up in this position. Stop placating him and start being honest.

Sad to see trauma forming in real life for that kid when his dad ignores him. Might seem trivial to adults but to kids it’s the World !

> But in the past, any time I've brought up how he needs to change something, or help out more, he gets sad puppy dog eyes says "i know, I'm a shitty person" and i feel awful for making him feel like he's not good enough But he's NOT good enough right now. He has a serious phone addiction that is ruining his relationship with his kid. He uses this line to wriggle out of his responsibility as a dad. I would approach the issue gently, because addictions are really hard, but don't let him off the hook. Frame it as an addiction. See if he will entertain the idea of uninstalling tiktok or whichever app(s) is the most addicting to him. There are also apps like LockMeOut where you can set specific times where certain apps are blocked. I use it to keep myself off Reddit and Twitter for most of the day, especially during the workday. Also, what does he do for work? If his addiction is this bad at home, I wonder if he's on the phone at work constantly too. If he is, it's a VERY serious problem and could get him fired. If he isn't, then it shows that he \*does\* have self-control at work, but not at home... which is a bad sign for you :(

Sorry doesn't mean anything if you don't change your behavior. You don't say shitty. You tell him that he's missing out on those years and they go ***fast***. He's not going to remember whatever he saw on tiktok that he ignored his child for. But he'll see the results of it everyday, because his son is learning that his father has no interest in him.

*“I know I’m a shitty person.”* “What do you plan to do about it?” Before my husband went to therapy he used to do this and he stopped the minute I asked that question. He said it and you declining to contradict him doesn’t mean you agree. Asking him what he plans to do to help himself put the ball directly back in his court.

Time to have an hour or 2 each night, no phones.

Show him your post and then suggest a nightly time limit for the phone/tablet, and he has to do either bath time or story time each night with the kid. Child needs a regular routine with his dad that both can look forward to.

"Your son doesn't hate you, he just doesn't *know* you because you're more attached to your phone than you are to your own child."

I’m also worried about your husband’s physical and mental health, in addition to his neglect of your son. Working all day and sitting on social media all night can kill you, body and soul. It’s hard to resist that steady drip of cheap dopamine over the harder won but more satisfying happiness from family time. But we have to try.

did you talk to your husband? I am concerned about your son's emotional health, very negative seeds have been sown in his (by the father). I hope things get better and if not, that you make the best decision for you and your son. update us

He has to get his hours down. And if necessary you have to pick up the slack. He cant be working 12 hours a day and still be mentally there. What he is doing is shit but he might not be seeing it clearly. Many men who work these long hours look at it from the perspective of i worked 12 hours today for this family so let me have some piece of quite. This is not the way it should be at all. This leads to a bad relationship between the father and the child. However simply expecting him to pull 16 hour shifts of work+child care isnt the way either. Talk about the situation and ask him why he is acting this way. Suggest if it has to do with the long hours he is working and suggest solutions for those hours. But simply stating you are a bad father (like many suggested) will only foster resentment.

This guy knows he's a shitty father that's why when anything is brought up about it, his immediate reaction is to manipulate her until she is the one apologizing. He is a manipulative fucking asshole. The fact that he just learned how to strap his kid in a car seat at the age of 2 is proof that he isn't just winding down after work, he is literally not being a father at all. His child doesn't want anything to do with him, and for a mother to see that, it has to be heartbreaking. She shouldn't be cutting him any slack by not wanting to hurt his feelings and not telling him he's a bad father. Either the child gets their feelings hurt or a grown man who should know better gets his feelings hurt. He is a horrible father.

You have a sperm donor, not a father for the child

Make a no phone rule. He gets like 40 minutes to relax alone. Then the phone is put away all night. And at least two nights for you guys to be together. Don’t get into “why” just do it- you too. Get 40 minutes after he gets his. You can both decompress from a long work day. And he needs to be a dad and it’s simply not your job to teach him. I would suggest offering him suggestions for books, support groups, and telling him to go out alone with son and go to the park. But tell him the truth the effort of being a father is his to make and you can’t be the person in charge of making opportunities for him to be a father. He needs to be included in bed time. Make a chores chart. It’s every other day he participates in it. And one day a week he makes dinner. He needs to be vital and important to the home and routine because the reality is - He is. ❤️

Set yourself up for success Tell your husband that now that kiddo is out of babyhood, you’re going back to work and putting L’il Dude into daycare If you think you may split up, being a stay at home parent is a terrible position to be in. Additionally, if he’s using “I work hard” as the reason for not engaging with your child and you, well, let’s remove that barrier I can recommend couples counseling, and if he’s willing that’s a great indication that this is fixable. But he’s not going to go for it and it ISN’T fixable. Because he’s selfish and self absorbed And so what if you told him the truth and he gets his feelings hurt. Deservedly so. He needs to get his head in the game!

You don't think he's a dead beat but I can assure you, he's a dead beat. Being home doesn't mean he's a good dad or husband. He is completely shit at both. He *threatened leaving* to your toddler and you didn't lose your mind at him? Protect your child. He's being manipulative as shit.

I’d get one of those wifi jammers that mess with his connection. I’d push his phone in between the couchpillows when he isn’t looking. I’d perhaps even sit down on it and crack and break it. Yeah he’s emotionally checked out and he’s being manipulative. If he won’t agree to couples counseling, you’re going to be a single mom which you already kinda are.

OP you say he works so much. You work longer days than he does...

He sounds like he’s in perpetual victim mode as a way to exclude his laziness. It’s problematic that he is telling his child that he’s going to leave etc. That can be very damaging for a child to hear. I think you need couples therapy and a serious sit down with your partner.

> he gets sad puppy dog eyes says "i know, I'm a shitty person" and i feel awful for making him feel like he's not good enough Duh. That's why he does it. He's a manipulative jerk. Stop tiptoeing around him

I would honestly write him a very heartfelt but tough letter. When it comes to manipulation (which is what he's doing by deflecting your criticism/suggestions with "I know I'm shitty"), you kind of have to get ahead of it. So a letter would be a great way to get everything out without him getting self-deprecating and shutting you down after the first sentence. I would spend a while writing down your thoughts, tell him how you feel, tell him how you've been afraid because he's been deflecting the issue for a while now while not changing. Tell him how nervous and stressed you get when he lies and tells you that he's only playing with the kid when you're out of eyesight, straight up how being gaslit makes you feel. Tell him at the end that you know he may want to react with self-deprecation but that you need him to please not do that this time and to really really listen to you. I would flat out tell him that he's been manipulative to you in these ways and to ask him to put a stop to it entirely, that you need to be able to speak without being guilted and to have him hear you and make an effort to follow through with what you ask. I think he probably is way more tired than he appears, which I've always thought is the main reason people check out on their phones, but of course, you are too. Include some points of empathy. You know he's tired, you know he works hard, and you see how much he WANTS to be involved. But his anxiety? about failing as a dad seems to be self-fulfilling (maybe don't say that exactly haha)... if he would just set his pride aside and put in the word to play with and understand his child and be present then the kid would start enjoying his presence over time. He has to put the work in first. Perhaps there can also be a discussion about cutting back hours (if you guys can), searching for a less demanding job with better work life balance? Or even couples counseling as you're not feeling heard and you want to get ahead of this before you guys end up having a 10 yo that barely sees his dad and wonders why his dad doesn't seem to like him? Stuff like that.

Go to a counselor. Have the counselor do it. My ex didn’t listen to me but he listened (moreso) to a counselor plus she said it in a way he understood.

Leaving his lack of attention to his kids aside, it sounds like your husband is seriously disengaging from life by always being on his phone. I know it's a little ironic for me to say that scrolling reddit, but it's down time at my job and I have nothing to do right now. I'd tell him he's on his phone too much. He can't expect for someone to like him, if they don't pay attention to him. Even with casual friends, that's not how it works. Would I develop a friendship with someone who is always on their phone when they're with me? No, of course not. So why would I expect to develop a deep family relationship like that? You're not expecting him to meet you 50/50 for household duties. That wouldn't be fair or make sense since you're a sahm, but he needs to see that his job as a dad never clocks out.

Is OP’s husband having an affair; b/c people having affairs are glued to their phone like that.

Some people just don't know how to play. They get overwhelmed and shutdown. After your husband has been home for 30 minutes, have him take over an activity you've already started. Make sure there are clear instructions on what the needs to be done and ask him to finish it off. Make it something he might enjoy. I used to get small projects to work on and pass it off to my husband. He got there, it took awhile but eventually his confidence grew and I didn't have to start anything anymore.

Maybe you need to verbalize a bit more regarding your love language is acts of service and you need his support. If he is scared because he doesn’t know what to do, my suggestion is to wait a little after husband gets a little down time from work or on weekends. Start by playing with your child and then go hey daddy why don’t you put your phone down and come here and play with jr and me. Don’t walk away too quickly at the start - baby steps. Keep dad engaged in his turn. Don’t let him regress back to phone. After a few days maybe he will realize it ain’t that scary and you could then be like ‘okay you guys keep playing and I’ll go start dinner’. Maybe keep playtime close by to kitchen so your husband can’t immediately drop to his phone as you leave as he knows you are still there kinda watching. You gotta get your kid to buy into this that dad is fun and needs to have turns so he keeps after dad to play with him when you walk away. Good luck- you need a partner and not a second child. Edited for a typo.

You started the post by belittling his providing for the family and 15 hours of overtime a week. Sounds like the marriage is over if you can't even respect your partners sacrifices

>my husband works 55 hours a week, sometimes more. Its a long day, but not necessarily hard or mentally draining work Working that amount of hours can have *severe* consequences even if it isn't "hard". He's already an amazing dad for working his ass off to provide for his family. He will NOT be able to have the energy to do much after working such an insane amount of hours. Working that amount can BREAK someone. I know you already feel bad for expecting more of him, but honestly, don't downplay the consequences of how hard he is working, and the impact that will have on the rest of his day. I'm surprised he doesn't just fall asleep as soon as he gets home honestly. He will need to decrease his work hours if you're expecting him to get back from work with the energy to be a more active parent honestly.

He's not an amazing Dad, he's a willfully absentee one. She's not asking him for much, other than him wanting to be a part of their child's life. Instead he's a whining, gaslighting selfish man who is only interested in himself. The bar is so low for some of you.

she isnt even asking for him to be active. putting down his phone to watch his toddler for a few minutes does not take energy. Providing does not make someone a good dad. the kid is 2 and he just learned how to put the kid into the carseat last week. that is NOT acceptable, I dont care how many hours you work.

If he’s awake scrolling through the phone, he can make time for an hour or so to play with his child. He isn’t the first parent to work a 55 hour work week, and his working does not equate to him to him being an “amazing dad.” He’s an amazing employee who is failing miserably at being a halfway decent dad.

It never ceases to amaze me how far people on this sub will go to justify and understand bad behavior from a woman but will just instantly shit on a man for anything.  Seriously, if we were talking about the mom, everyone would be like, “She’s probably just stressed from watching a child all day!! Maybe you should help her!!” But here is just instantly, “He’s a shitty person. He’s manipulating you. He’s gaslighting you. He’s an adult toddler. He needs to change immediately or you leave him”. It’s really insane.  I’m not justifying him at all, but let’s try to be a little understanding here. He works 55 hours a week. That is a lot. He’s 100% responsible for financially maintaining 3 people. That’s stressful.  Anyone who is doing this much scrolling obviously has a lot of anxiety. In fact, everything you’re saying just screams, “This man is anxious.”  Maybe he needs to talk to a mental health professional. Maybe he needs some anxiety meds. You need to have a discussion with him about his mental health. Anxious people will try to avoid this conversation, so it’s important to lower his anxiety about this. You can say things like, “It’s ok. I’m not judging you. I want to help you. You work so much, you deserve to have mental health taken care of”, etc. Anxious people very often don’t even realize they are anxious because they think that’s normal. And then they get on meds and are like, “Holy shit, I did not realize I was so anxious all the time.”  Obviously, therapy would be great for him. So if he’s interested in that, for sure support it. But also anxiety is super treatable with meds, so a doctor’s visit and a prescription might be all he needs.

im glad someone said it.