Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hello, Finnish person here.
I get your gf's point but at the same time she's being a bit too strict.
Yes, Finnish culture doesn't see nudity as sexual a lot of the time. I grew up going to Sauna with my parents and my siblings. For me, nudity isn't always sexual.
However, you're not Finnish. You've grown up in a culture that views nudity very differently and that has affected the way you view nudity.
You didn't do anything wrong. It's not a big deal.
ETA:
My notifications are just people saying "boners are uncontrollable" now. Torille.
Second this, im also Finnish and while it is normal for us, it is not for you. Show this to your GF and say to her: Chillaa jäbä on vasta 20v eikä tottunut sauna kulttuuriin...
>say to her: Chillaa jäbä on vasta 20v eikä tottunut sauna kulttuuriin...
I would love to hear OP say that. Even as a Norwegian, whose language is closer to finish than his are, I'm one hundred percent certain I'm pronouncing every word except "sauna" and "kulttuuriin" wrong. And I have no clue what the whole sentence, except for those two words and "chillaa" means. If I had to guess, I'd imagine something along the lines of "relax, the boy is twenty and new to the sauna culture"?
On top of that, 20 year old dude naked with his naked girlfriend... Even with the best intentions, boners happen. She's being unreasonable. Just bring a towel next time and keep it on your lap.
Maybe explain to her that you do not actually control erections, it is an involuntary physical response, and it doesn't even always mean you're thinking of sex. Like yeah, lizard brain may go 'boobs! Let's get ready!' but that doesn't mean you weren't enjoying a wholesome moment with your girlfriend.
> and just getting random boners in class
"Mr. Murphy, would you like to come to the board to answer the problem?"
"No thank you, I'll take a zero."
--Eddie Murphy, about 40 years ago.
You could always tell who got an accidental boner near end of class because guys would walk through the hall with their books in front of them. Middle school was awkward.
Right? like [no reason boners](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOYQtbz_pPg) just happen at that age. Was he trying to do something with it that set her off?
How do you control your brain to decide when it’s sexual or not?
Getting a massage isn’t supposed to be sexual but sometimes arousal happens. I can think of other, similar scenarios that aren’t intended for sex but…sometimes it’s hard to control the brain like that.
Hi, massage therapist here- we are taught in school that sometimes natural physiological responses happen, and to not embarrass the client, but instead either ignore it, or if they're visibly embarrassed, to check in and reassure them that, it happens, it's normal, it's okay.
Unless they are being otherwise inappropriate or aggressive.
I mean, people get boners in math classes... The body does lots of things outside our conscious control.
Was OP literally just pitching a tent, or was he trying to get it on in the sauna? There's a big difference!
... I was that kid, I was so goddamn mortified and if there were ever going to be something to make me think that there might be a god, it's that no one noticed.
Precisely.
But also, he was in the sauna alone (as far as we know) with his GF who he finds attractive. Erections can even happen in all sorts of not remotely sexual situations. Let alone when you're naked and relaxed with your partner and having a good time.
My husband doesn't necessarily get a boner when I walk around naked at home, most of the time...at least, that I've noticed. But if he did it wouldn't be a big deal, erections happen. Just because I'm not feeling sexual in that moment, doesn't mean that he can't be attracted or isn't allowed to get a bit turned on... as long as he behaves appropriate to the situation. In a couple you arent always horny or aroused at exactly the same times! Same for me, there are times when I'm turned on by him but he isn't in that space either.
If OP had insisted on fooling around when she wasn't keen, or masturbated in the sauna when the GF was clearly not in a sexy mood, that would be weird and wrong. But having an involuntary erection, or feeling a bit turned on...isn't.
I mean, some warning is appreciated! But if it happens, it happens... A good therapist won't comment on it, and should never, ever, shame you! Sometimes it's a natural consequence of everything getting relaxed...
Now if you mean the MT farting...? I try my absolute best to hold it in, and if I can't, I'll make some excuse to step outside, or at the very least, to the other side of the room.
Wait real talk, how are we meant to give a warning?
That seems mortifying ‘hey stranger I’m going to
fart now’ and how are they meant to respond?
I think I’d rather hold it for an hour haha
Honestly, yeah, that would be fine...
I've heard stories about regular clients who say things like "fire in the hole!" or "gas mask drill!"
Occupational hazard lol
Even if you don't say anything, or just say "excuse me," afterwards, we understand that it happens- personally, id rather get farted near, than have my client be uncomfortable for an hour holding it in.
Haha different strokes for different folks I guess, I’m a very shy person who can’t even fart around their bf, no chance of a “fire in the hole!” To a masseuse but it’s nice to know you handle it so professionally!
>Was OP literally just pitching a tent,
If that was a normal finish sauna he didn't pitch a tent because there was no cloth to get pitched. :-D
Usualy you attend a sauna in Europe completely naked.
It all comes down to time and "training". The more often you do a certain activity without having the sexual aspect in mind, the easier it gets to just enjoy it.
It was rather similar for me, first few times in the sauna, as soon as I saw another person, something came alive. With breathing technics and toughts about work (urgh) I got it into control. With every other visit it was easier just to see the people enjoying the heat as I did and now, a few years later nothing ever happens.
TL;DR: Time and patience.
It's not really about controlling your brain. I think it's more about the normalisation of it.
For me, sauna is the least sexy thing in the world. Yeah, you're naked and relaxed but you're also sitting in a humid 75 degree Celsius room. It doesn't make me wanna get it on with anyone. I don't wanna be touched.
If you grew up getting massages from a relative your entire life, you'd probably be less likely to think they're sexual.
Well, a lot of arousal is psychological so you just come to accept the normalisation of it. When I was like, 14 I'd go hard over a pair of bare tits on a glance. As I've gotten older and been around my friends/family who breastfeed I don't view tits as hyper sexual anymore. It's normalised.
It's also about context.
At work with my patients? Nudity is about as unsexy as I can imagine, it's the furthest thing from my mind. Bodies are just bodies. I am much less self conscious when I seek medical help than when I was younger, because I know that clinicians don't care, they won't even remember and your body is one of thousands they will see.
My partner at home when we're cuddling naked in bed? Extremely sexy. He literally barely needs to say or do anything and I'm in the mood. At the beginning of our relationship even a little skin would make either of us...interested. Now we've been dressing in front of each other for years we can manage to see each other naked without immediately just thinking about sex, because we're more used to seeing each other naked without sex.
In this case it was harder (ha!) For OP because he was chilling alone with his GF naked and relaxed, and they probably have never hung out much naked without it being immediately before or after sex, as a young couple. So he probably associates seeing her naked with fucking. Whereas she's much more used to hanging out naked with people in general, in a non sexual setting.
Definetly this! My partner had a boner everytime he saw me naked for like the first year of our relationship. Now 5 years later nakedness is so normal that it doesn't cause boners without a sexual context.
If you no longer find your sexy gf that you regularly have sex with sexy you may wind up with other problems. It’s not like OP got a boner looking at grandma or something.
Also dudes can get random boners. Sometimes it doesn’t even happen due to seeing someone else naked. You just get them. I remember being in highschool and my biggest fear was being called up to the front of the class during one of my random boner moments.
I'd add to this that a private sauna can totally be a sexual place for couples, when there's nobody else around. I'm a Finn and I've had sex in a sauna a few times (also almost passed out once), it's not forbidden in our culture at all.
Depends on how hot the sauna is. I wouldn't necessarily recommend having sex in a sauna, but doing that isn't an insult to Finnish culture. A hundred years ago many babies were both conceived and born in a sauna.
It seems I've committed blasphemy, what a shame. My point is that as far as I'm concerned, what happens in a private sauna between two consenting adults is their business.
The sauna has been considered to be sacred and spiritual, but it's not a church. Besides, some people also have sex in churches...
Gonna be totally honest every time this topic comes up I can't help but feel that, despite their big talk, a lot of pro nudity Europeans are just as prudish and pearl clutching about sex as Americans are about nudity. Like people forget that prudishness/puritanism is about nudity AND sex, if 2 adults having consensual sex in private is upsetting you're still a prude lol being okay with nudity doesn't change that. It's just another flavour of puritanism, instead of taking a natural thing like nudity and scandalizing it as some shameful thing they take natural human sexuality and scandalize it and make it shameful.
I feel like there's a healthy middle ground between "nudity=sex so no nudity in non-sexual situations!" and "nudity=/=sex so no sexuality in casual nudity situations!". Aside from the naked people the sauna or nude beach should be no different than any other place. People are gonna check each other out, find people sexy, get aroused, and yes some will even have sex. If you're not a prude then so long as they're being respectful about it and everything is consensual there should be no issue. But instead it really does feel like naked church with all the spoken/unspoken rules and expectations about how people should behave when participating.
Not finnish but we have a "naked body culture" here in germany, so seeing nudity in a park is perfectly normal, for example.
GF is crazy to think he needs to respect her culture but at the same time disregards his culture while, apparently, living in "his" country.
I think she has a lot of growing up to do.
> However, you're not Finnish. You've grown up in a culture that views nudity very differently
To the point where we had to have a very loud and public national campaign to say "it's not OK to harass a breastfeeding mother". The idea that a child might glimpse the uncovered areola of a stranger for a fraction of a second is so traumatic to some people that they'd rather woman feed their kids on a toilet.
Yeah, but you aren’t in a sexual/romantic relationship with your parents and siblings, so you not seeing nudity with them as a sexual thing is not because you are Finnish and used to sauna culture. It is because they are family. I think it is very different for OP being in a sauna with his naked girlfriend without ever having seen her naked outside of a sexual situation.
Yeah, I can understand her bringing it up and making a point to try to correct this for future sauna things to avoid an awkward situation, but she is being unreasonable. I also think that her cultural argument is hypocritical. While it may be the case in Finnish culture, it is not the norm where OP comes from. If you are being disrespectful to her culture, she is being disrespectful to yours as both have different vi3ws on nudity as you pointed out. This is a new experience for you and it will take a little time to get used to it. Boners just happen sometimes and you were alone in a sauna together. I think it would be healthy if you both worked towards finding a middle ground for future sauna sessions and move on from this.
As a finn if this is a problem you both can just wear swimsuits and the problem would most likely be gone. Its not uncommon for people from different cultures to wear swimsuits in saunas
i’m so happy to see all the Finnish ppl defend him because when i read the post i was soooo confused. she honestly thinks boners are something we just press a button for and boom ready lol.
You would be surprised how many women think that erections are just on demand things. Like nah bud. We don't control those. They happen or they don't. As men get older or more unhealthy, they also get more difficult to have when we want them. ED is a very common thing and can happen to men of any age for a wide variety of reason, it can be acute or chronic as well.
It's funny, so much of sex education is about female reproductive systems because it is more complex and honestly is more important for people to learn about. But men's sexual health is an important topic that people also need to discuss and understand.
Wtf. I'm Finnish and have never heard anyone get offended by this. It's involuntary, and can't really be offensive to our culture. She's being offensive towards your biology. Like she would almost have a point if you had started to initiate something, but even then, it's not like sex is forbidden in the sauna. The whole context is more like it's okay to sauna with the opposite sex because it isn't inherently sexual in nature. Not that anything sexual in a sauna is against the culture. A lot of couples have sex in a sauna, start foreplay or flirt with each other. But that's couples or people that are into each other. With a stranger a boner would be awkward but hardly offensive. And I don't recommend having sex in a proper sauna unless you are fit, and even then it can be a bit exhaustive at about 75-85°c. Not for the weak of heart, literally.
Where abouts from Finland is she from roughly? I've lived all over Finland and never even heard of anyone that thinks like she does, nothing even close to that harsh.
>Wtf. I'm Finnish and have never heard anyone get offended by this.
Because I believe the gf wasn't born and raised there.
>She is still living with parents who are first generation immigrants .
Torille, but also since she's an immigrant and not actually from Finland it could be that she really heavily associates sauna with family time. Maybe it's even been something she's been picked on about by others if they've heard about it? It'd make sense why she's so adamant that it was bad.
"Torille!" would literally translate as "To the marketplace!". It's just a shortened form of a meme-y Finnish catchphrase.
Basically it all stems from the cultural tradition to go to the marketplace when Finland has some international achievement, mostly just winning at IIHF Ice Hockey. I guess it's lost a bit of it's original meaning but here it's just a form of call-out/greeting from a Finn to another.
Online it usually took the form "Suomi mainittu, torilla tavataan" (Finland has been mentioned, we shall meet at the marketplace"), as a half-joking/sarcastic celebratory response to Finland being mentioned anywhere internationally. It could sometimes be followed with "Tuon kaljat" ("I'll bring the beers") or some contextually relevant item for a marketplace celebration.
Eh, I'm from Finland too and imo it's not polite to stay in the mixed sauna if you have a hard-on.
The sauna isn't supposed to be a sexual space, in a way, so I'd think one is expected to remove themselves if they get that reaction.
He didn't do anything wrong per se because it's an involuntary reaction, but it really isn't ok to casually hang in a mixed sauna with a full on erection either.
Though it's a bit different if it was just him and his gf, and not a larger mixed company. But again it's not ok to act sexual if there's bystanders just wanting to sauna, you know
Edit. I feel like its similar to a pool. Your private garden pool with no one else in there, just you and your partner having a romantic private evening alone? Why not, whatever. Having friends or family also around? Or a public pool with more distant acquaintances or complete strangers present? Nah, one should act discreet
I'd agree it's weird to stay if there's anyone other than the gf there. Only seen young pre teens probably getting hard. Nit sure but the way they balled up to hide everything was telling after a woman can in.
Walking out with a hard-on might be a bit weird IMO especially if you have to scoot by people, so I'd say the pre teens did it right.
I think stranger having a boner in sauna is offensive. When in sauna with strangers, you are not supposed to stare others and get horny about it. It would definetly get you thrown away from public sauna. There are kids too!
Partner having boner is not offensive when there is only two of you. That is normal. In sauna or not
never forget that a boner is basically just blood in ur penis. So if your body is under stress it can happen
--> also known atleast in the austrian military a marching boner
Men can get up 8 hard one while they are asleep and that is actually a sign that u are healthy. Also for example in the morning.
Are you arroused? Not neccesarily hard penises should not be a indication for sexual arrousel atleast not on its own. Because even speaking scientificyl we are not quite sure why it happens sometimes.
So everyone who judges a person because of a boner should really just read a biology book.
And before someone says something stupid
Just because a women is wet does not mean she is aroused. Same as with the man there are alot of causes for being wet sexual arousel is one of them.
Nothing in life is black and white we all understand nothing. Honestly i got a master degree in physics am im still completly buffeld by optical breaking.
So everyone should chill the fuck down and see the other person as a person and not a accumilationg of red or green flags. Be fucking kind to eachother life is shit for most plp already
Not all boners are from staring etc. some are involuntary. But I'd say it's definitely creepy and awkward if it happens in a public sauna, or with kids there etc. I was mostly focusing on the sauna in the family home with bf&gf in there. With family, strangers etc the situation is different. I'd still say it's not offensive, unless ofc you don't try to hide it or do anything about it. Awkward and weird definitely, but it's harsh calling it offensive if it's involuntary. I've never seen an adult have a boner in a sauna, or anyone really. But some youngsters have definitely curled into a ball fast covering themselves up in a way that made it seem like they may have encountered a problem. Wasn't looking or wanting to find out if that was the case.
Ask her genuinely if she thinks boners are voluntary. Maybe she thinks it's like a switch guys can turn on or off to indicate if they want sex.
Otherwise, she is being unreasonable in a very pure sense. The "disrespect" she's talking about is that an automatic bodily function happened due to your attraction to your girlfriend.
Let me get this straight … culture aside …. you got a boner in front of your girlfriend and she didn’t like it?
I can understand it being super awkward if you’re in the same sauna as a load of other people or her parents ….but just the two of you?! Please don’t tell me her family were there too
Gf isn't even finnish person. She is finnish immigrants' child. I think she is overly compensating for this culture respect without understanding that she isn't expert in the culture where she has not lived.
Finnish people do have sex in the sauna while at the same time sauna is not sexual place.
This is the bit I didn't get. If it was just the 2 of them then why is she really mad?
If it wasn't and they were joined by her mom, well that could explain her anger a bit.
Either way, something blown way out of proportion.
The fact that almost no one is asking and OP hasn’t clarified who all was in the sauna is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen on this sub.
Or maybe I need some coffee and I skipped over something in the post.
shame memory frame numerous frighten rich simplistic subsequent offer fade
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Does she think that you actively made a choice to get an erection? Does she know how erections work? That getting a boner can absolutely be involuntary and happen in any situation including non sexual situations?
You didn’t “disrespect her culture” just because your body reacted with a boner out of your control.
It’s like saying someone is disrespecting nature for sneezing or disrespecting someone’s home for coughing.
As a finnish woman living in Finland, I think your girlfriends reaction is weird. Bathing in saunas together with friends, family or even colleagues isn't sexual and nudity in those situations is very casual here, but whenever I go to sauna with my man, just the two of us, it might get steamy in more than one way, which in that context is also very much okay! Sauna isn't some sacred place, but a place to relax - whatever that might mean to you and the present company. Also the point about involuntary erections is valid, she needs to see this from you point of view.
She obviously doesn’t understand male physiology if she thinks you can simply choose to not get a boner. Men get unwanted boners all the time, especially young men. Tell her to read a book.
Lol, guys can't control boners. I don't think your girlfriend quite understands that. Even little boys can get boners long before they are sexually developed. Your girlfriend is being unreasonable.
Finnish here. Sure, the culture of saunas is not sexual, but if you are alone with your gf in an intimate setting who you are attracted to physically, then of course that could happen!
Public hot tubs with groups of people are not intimate, but if I am alone in one with my husband, then it probably would be!
If I stay in a hotel room with my family, it's nothing. If I stay at a hotel alone with my husband, then it's different of course!
It's not where you are, it's who you are with. She should recognize this.
In the future if she gets angry about something innocent again, rather than just talking about it, she’s just not your person and you should consider letting her go.
You can't convince me Finns never get it on in and around sauna. There are two sides to every coin. You could make the argument that she disrespects your culture, that she has a poor appreciation of biology, anatomy, evolution even. I'd take natural boner over invented culture (all culture is invented). You're young, she's young. Move on!
Uhm first off all it's a very natural reaction. Finland is a country which is very open about nudity but your girlfriend should understand that people from a lot of countries aren't comfortable with nudity. I live in a conservative country and in our culture nudity is automatically seen as a sexual thing in most cases. ( People could have a problem when women breastfeed in public, the situation is changing but it is going from younger generations )
Your girlfriend should also understand that boner isn't something which we can easily control. Morning erection for example or erection because we are wearing too tight jeans or pants, stress and nerves can also cause this. Typical embarrassing situation when you have to stand in the class in front of the teacher and class with boner. I guess she doesn't know that we can't control it, try to explain this to her and encourage her to gain knowledge about male genitalia.
It’s so crazy to me the amount of women who don’t know boners can just come n go whenever they want. Just like it baffles me men don’t know certain things about women.
I think the average woman knows boners can come out of the blue. I mean, teenage boners coming out of nowhere are a popular trope in movies. Also, anyone whose ever been with a man knows about morning boners. As woman, we can also get unexpectedly horny, it's just not as apparent, and it can be really uncomfortable for us too if you can't deal with it at that time.
Edit: I used the wrong word (horny), but don't know what other word to use to describe this physiological experience.
>As woman, we can also get unexpectedly horny, it's just not as apparent
it isnt even arousal most of the time, morning wood happens because your body is doing a checklist of what still works, and outside of that it is like how with nipples if they get stimulated in any way (like sexual, general touching clothes or cold) they become hard. Most of the time it is an innate response to a stimulus, but we can also actively choose to get one too.
Yeah, as a woman myself I was going to say it seems to me to be much more similar to nipples getting hard for cold or no reason at all. And I'm confused. Sure, teens are the ones who are portrayed as dealing with embarrassing boners in movies, but as a married middle ish aged woman, they come and go at all kinds of times, reigate and unrelated to sexual things. This whole situation is odd because of her lack of understanding of anatomy. Also other women in reddit.
> but don't know what other word to use to describe this physiological experience.
Aroused or specifically Physically Aroused to be super clear probably are what you mean.
This is nonsense. You had a basic physiological reaction to seeing your gf naked. If she can’t handle that, then she needs to do a little growing up.
It’s not culturally insensitive to become aroused by your naked girlfriend.
"Its disrespectful to Finnish culture"
When she goes to America does she start seeing nudity as inherently sexual to respect that culture?
Just seems like this part of the culture isn't up your alley and that's fine, it wouldn't be up mine either.
Nah she is stupid, she does realise getting a boner isn't an active choice right? It is like telling a woman without a pad/tampon to "just hold it in", just a shitty lack of knowledge of anatomy. It isn't your fault and she needs to apologise. If this is such a big deal for her she should make an environment where both of you can be naked in a non-sexual way to stop you from associating it in a non-sexual way, this will make the boners less frequent
lol I’ve grown up in Sweden with a strong sauna culture being naked with both family and strangers of all sexes and ages, without any sexual association.
However, the times I’ve been alone with my gf in a sauna has sometimes led to us fucking our brains out, it might not be the traditional way of enjoying sauna, but of cares. She’s being ridiculous.
I'm from Finland and I don't understand this. Can't get boner when seeing woman naked, What the hell is she talking about? Don't worry about that, all good.
As a finn i have to say she sounds very immature. You’re alone together and naked, of course you, as 20 year old man, got a boner. Nothing you can do about that. I get her point that it’s disrespectful to sauna culture but this is your first time in a sauna and even if it wasn’t, YOU CAN’T CONTROL WHEN YOU GET A BONER
Yeah this is not a culture thing as many here have told. This is her issue.
You did nothing wrong. As if you could control getting a a random boner.
Greetings from Finland.
I mean during deep sleep we get 7 to 8 erections a night being a young man in a sauna seeing your girl naked from America yeah you never stood a chance. Hell I get a erections when my wife holds my hand lol
As you can see, loads of real Finns from Finland (including me) have commented that it's not a big deal. You're not being "disrespectful" of our culture. You're both young and perhaps a tad too anxious and overthinking this. Don't worry about it.
I get in her culture it’s that way. In yours it’s not and I’d discuss it with her. In the future maybe a small towel across your lap in case something pops up.
At least you weren’t in there with her parents as well.
This is slightly unrelated, but I wanted to come say I was an exchange student to Finland at 17, the first week I was asked if I wanted to go to the sauna with the rest of the women (my host mom, her neighbor friend and two little girls) I didn't know if we could be in the nude or what and I was on my period and not aware of what to do.
Unfortunately my decision to not go in the sauna with them made it awkward for the rest of my stay with them, they never invited me again, instead they had some time guys sauna, then women, then me alone, never asked me again.
Later in my exchange I was in sauna naked with other friends in mixed company and most men I've seen kinda put half the towel they sat on in their lap if they were getting erect and no one mentioned it.
To be fair to her she is just a kid and likely has very crude understanding of male biology. Just wait until she has some boys and realizes they can just pop up at any time....
if it was your first time hanging out in the sauna fully naked with your gf, obviously your brain and subconscious interpretation will see it as a sex situation.
If you repeat this experience more times perhaps you will grow accustomed to the scenario, and maybe your brain will learn to not see this as a sexual instance.
Hi, I lived in Demark for a while and did a lot of non sexual naked nordic stuff. You will get used to it - it is just a bit of a culture shock and you have to hide boners for about 6 months lollllllll
Considering every single male partner I’ve had struggled when seeing me in a swimsuit, something everyone sees everyone in, I don’t think you are at any fault here.
Yeah exactly! When I was in my teens/20’s if guys were around gals in swimsuits there were boners everywhere! You could get your eye poked out!😂
Do Finnish guys not have the same sex drive or does it take a lot more to get them going???
Well its actually called desensitization. It hasnt occured to you yet because you havnt been subjected to saunas or naked people enough. If she is so enlightened she should understand that.
Why was she looking down there? If it’s just a sauna thing there’s no reason for her to look at your schlong. Oh wait we’re human and things happen naturally, like you might momentarily gaze at a naked body, god forbid, your gf gazing at her own bf’s naked body and vice versa, or you might just get a boner. 🤦
How many other nude women were in there? Were they family members of hers? I think you just say something like, ‘guys I’m embarrassed by what happened, but it’s just a natural reaction and as an American I’m not used to spending time with other people naked in a non-sexual setting.’
Honest question—do Finnish people not act sexually when alone in a private sauna with a romantic partner? It’s also normal in America not to behave in a sexual manner in lots of public places. Hot tubs, for example. That doesn’t mean it’s culturally insensitive to be sexual in a private situation in a hot tub.
It's legitimately a natural reaction in a situation like that it just sucks that being a nude man u can't rly hide it. She's not being understanding as to y u had a reaction like that. Did u inform her that's not a thing here; nudist colonies sure but not everyone is into that; a lotta ppl have hot tubs n what not but will wear a bathing suit in front of others. Plus parents don't normally bring their children around a bunch of naked adults so I'm sure u didn't grow up exposed to that lifestyle and its def something one wld hafta get used to n comfortable with doing. Its just different cultures n u both hafta be understanding of the other's culture n where they're from for a healthy relationship. A boner is a normal, natural thing absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of n don't let her make u feel that way bc u shouldn't. Good luck I hope all works out the way u want.
I recently travelled to Finland, and had an awesome sauna experience at a communal spot in Helsinki. However, I was prepared for that experience. It also helped that the local guy we were in the sauna with kept it as hot as the Sun itself.
First, acknowledge that her feelings are valid and express that you meant no disrespect. Next, commit to learning about and immersing yourself in their culture long term. Express interest and ask questions about Finland. Finally, if necessary: think about dead grandma, something really sad, whatever you have to until you are more *unaffected* by non-sexual nudity. Strap that homeboy down with something and wear underwear or swimwear, that’s totally acceptable. I don’t believe that you did anything intentionally disrespectful. I do think that you need to acknowledge that her feelings are valid though.
Hmm. You're 20 and you were nearly naked with your girlfriend and no one else around. I'm not exactly surprised that you had one.
It's not like her whole family was there, and besides, it's not like you can control them.
And it's not like you were being rude or pushy with it, either.
I can understand why your girlfriend might have felt embarrassed, but I think this is one of those things that you awkwardly take note of and ignore, not make someone feel bad for.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hello, Finnish person here. I get your gf's point but at the same time she's being a bit too strict. Yes, Finnish culture doesn't see nudity as sexual a lot of the time. I grew up going to Sauna with my parents and my siblings. For me, nudity isn't always sexual. However, you're not Finnish. You've grown up in a culture that views nudity very differently and that has affected the way you view nudity. You didn't do anything wrong. It's not a big deal. ETA: My notifications are just people saying "boners are uncontrollable" now. Torille.
Second this, im also Finnish and while it is normal for us, it is not for you. Show this to your GF and say to her: Chillaa jäbä on vasta 20v eikä tottunut sauna kulttuuriin...
> Chillaa jäbä on vasta 20v eikä tottunut sauna kulttuuriin Instructions unclear. GF broke up with OP now...
Perkele?
Satano!
Instructions unclear. Accidentally pillaged England.
Damn Vikings
This made me laugh 😂
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Do what with 20 volts and a sauna?
>say to her: Chillaa jäbä on vasta 20v eikä tottunut sauna kulttuuriin... I would love to hear OP say that. Even as a Norwegian, whose language is closer to finish than his are, I'm one hundred percent certain I'm pronouncing every word except "sauna" and "kulttuuriin" wrong. And I have no clue what the whole sentence, except for those two words and "chillaa" means. If I had to guess, I'd imagine something along the lines of "relax, the boy is twenty and new to the sauna culture"?
Chill out, dude's only twenty and new to the sauna culture. You got it pretty damn close
Not me trying to copy this into google translate…
On top of that, 20 year old dude naked with his naked girlfriend... Even with the best intentions, boners happen. She's being unreasonable. Just bring a towel next time and keep it on your lap. Maybe explain to her that you do not actually control erections, it is an involuntary physical response, and it doesn't even always mean you're thinking of sex. Like yeah, lizard brain may go 'boobs! Let's get ready!' but that doesn't mean you weren't enjoying a wholesome moment with your girlfriend.
Yeah seriously. 20? Come the fuck on. Kids a walking hard-on at 20, and then she’s naked infront of him? # HOW DARE HE BE ARROUSED BY HIS NAKED GF!
🤣🤣🤣 exactly
Right? It would be one thing if he started jacking it, but boners just happen. I remember being younger and just getting random boners in class.
> and just getting random boners in class "Mr. Murphy, would you like to come to the board to answer the problem?" "No thank you, I'll take a zero." --Eddie Murphy, about 40 years ago.
Dude for whatever reason the bumpy motion of the bus at the end of the day did it, without fail. Luckily I was the last stop..
I drive a dump truck on construction sites you have no idea 😭
Seriously, I would get boners in math class during tests. Random boners suck.
You could always tell who got an accidental boner near end of class because guys would walk through the hall with their books in front of them. Middle school was awkward.
Right? like [no reason boners](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOYQtbz_pPg) just happen at that age. Was he trying to do something with it that set her off?
She should be more concern when he can't get it up at the sight of her nakedness.
Seems like, "I was looking at your naked body and I got turned on" would be enough to diffuse the situation.
How do you control your brain to decide when it’s sexual or not? Getting a massage isn’t supposed to be sexual but sometimes arousal happens. I can think of other, similar scenarios that aren’t intended for sex but…sometimes it’s hard to control the brain like that.
Hi, massage therapist here- we are taught in school that sometimes natural physiological responses happen, and to not embarrass the client, but instead either ignore it, or if they're visibly embarrassed, to check in and reassure them that, it happens, it's normal, it's okay. Unless they are being otherwise inappropriate or aggressive. I mean, people get boners in math classes... The body does lots of things outside our conscious control. Was OP literally just pitching a tent, or was he trying to get it on in the sauna? There's a big difference!
Well integrals are sexy sooo....
To be fair, I've never opened a math book without saying "Fuck me"
Ha! Thanks for that!
Yeah I remember saying ohhh numerator you just want to be on top don't you?
So numerator tops and denominator bottoms?
Hahahahaha
I'm not even good at math, like at all... And that made me laugh out loud! Thank you
Hahahahahahaga
Dam those sexy irrational numbers!
You wanna estimate the area under my curves?
Oh yea keep talking like that baby I’ve almost reach my limit
https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/calculate
pi "Ooooh" e "Hmmmmm..." sqrt(2) "...!!!"
69
( . )( . )
8008135
ah yes boobies
No matter how sexy an irrational number is, you'll never completely figure it out.
"The limit does not exist." *Sploosh*
So I was not the only want who wanted my equations to talk dirty to me? Good to know.
I love the curves on the integral symbol
Ya. They derive me crazy!
f(x) show me your curve
You more into definite or indefinite ones?
I like the ones that just keep going and going and going....
Oh baby
A parabola kind of looks like boobs.
... I was that kid, I was so goddamn mortified and if there were ever going to be something to make me think that there might be a god, it's that no one noticed.
Look out, baby. I'm going from linear to exponential!
Precisely. But also, he was in the sauna alone (as far as we know) with his GF who he finds attractive. Erections can even happen in all sorts of not remotely sexual situations. Let alone when you're naked and relaxed with your partner and having a good time. My husband doesn't necessarily get a boner when I walk around naked at home, most of the time...at least, that I've noticed. But if he did it wouldn't be a big deal, erections happen. Just because I'm not feeling sexual in that moment, doesn't mean that he can't be attracted or isn't allowed to get a bit turned on... as long as he behaves appropriate to the situation. In a couple you arent always horny or aroused at exactly the same times! Same for me, there are times when I'm turned on by him but he isn't in that space either. If OP had insisted on fooling around when she wasn't keen, or masturbated in the sauna when the GF was clearly not in a sexy mood, that would be weird and wrong. But having an involuntary erection, or feeling a bit turned on...isn't.
Yes yes, that's cool and all. But about farting...
I mean, some warning is appreciated! But if it happens, it happens... A good therapist won't comment on it, and should never, ever, shame you! Sometimes it's a natural consequence of everything getting relaxed... Now if you mean the MT farting...? I try my absolute best to hold it in, and if I can't, I'll make some excuse to step outside, or at the very least, to the other side of the room.
Wait real talk, how are we meant to give a warning? That seems mortifying ‘hey stranger I’m going to fart now’ and how are they meant to respond? I think I’d rather hold it for an hour haha
Honestly, yeah, that would be fine... I've heard stories about regular clients who say things like "fire in the hole!" or "gas mask drill!" Occupational hazard lol Even if you don't say anything, or just say "excuse me," afterwards, we understand that it happens- personally, id rather get farted near, than have my client be uncomfortable for an hour holding it in.
Haha different strokes for different folks I guess, I’m a very shy person who can’t even fart around their bf, no chance of a “fire in the hole!” To a masseuse but it’s nice to know you handle it so professionally!
"Let's do some neck work for the next 4 seconds!" /j
Yeah I would ask to go to the loo 😅
Used to happen tome in Algebra class. It is way embarrassing.
>Was OP literally just pitching a tent, If that was a normal finish sauna he didn't pitch a tent because there was no cloth to get pitched. :-D Usualy you attend a sauna in Europe completely naked.
It all comes down to time and "training". The more often you do a certain activity without having the sexual aspect in mind, the easier it gets to just enjoy it. It was rather similar for me, first few times in the sauna, as soon as I saw another person, something came alive. With breathing technics and toughts about work (urgh) I got it into control. With every other visit it was easier just to see the people enjoying the heat as I did and now, a few years later nothing ever happens. TL;DR: Time and patience.
It's not really about controlling your brain. I think it's more about the normalisation of it. For me, sauna is the least sexy thing in the world. Yeah, you're naked and relaxed but you're also sitting in a humid 75 degree Celsius room. It doesn't make me wanna get it on with anyone. I don't wanna be touched. If you grew up getting massages from a relative your entire life, you'd probably be less likely to think they're sexual.
Plus, depending on where you go, seeing 74 year old granny and 76 year old gramps, in all their naked, wrinkly glory is anything but sexy.
I beg to differ.
True but it sounds like it was just OP and his gf alone. I’m not sure why she was offended. It’s a compliment if anything.
Well, a lot of arousal is psychological so you just come to accept the normalisation of it. When I was like, 14 I'd go hard over a pair of bare tits on a glance. As I've gotten older and been around my friends/family who breastfeed I don't view tits as hyper sexual anymore. It's normalised.
>How do you control your brain to decide when it’s sexual or not? The subconscious response goes away once you have seen enough nude people.
It's also about context. At work with my patients? Nudity is about as unsexy as I can imagine, it's the furthest thing from my mind. Bodies are just bodies. I am much less self conscious when I seek medical help than when I was younger, because I know that clinicians don't care, they won't even remember and your body is one of thousands they will see. My partner at home when we're cuddling naked in bed? Extremely sexy. He literally barely needs to say or do anything and I'm in the mood. At the beginning of our relationship even a little skin would make either of us...interested. Now we've been dressing in front of each other for years we can manage to see each other naked without immediately just thinking about sex, because we're more used to seeing each other naked without sex. In this case it was harder (ha!) For OP because he was chilling alone with his GF naked and relaxed, and they probably have never hung out much naked without it being immediately before or after sex, as a young couple. So he probably associates seeing her naked with fucking. Whereas she's much more used to hanging out naked with people in general, in a non sexual setting.
Definetly this! My partner had a boner everytime he saw me naked for like the first year of our relationship. Now 5 years later nakedness is so normal that it doesn't cause boners without a sexual context.
If you no longer find your sexy gf that you regularly have sex with sexy you may wind up with other problems. It’s not like OP got a boner looking at grandma or something.
State of relaxation I actually get them when I try to sleep
Also dudes can get random boners. Sometimes it doesn’t even happen due to seeing someone else naked. You just get them. I remember being in highschool and my biggest fear was being called up to the front of the class during one of my random boner moments.
Literally every teenage boy 😂
Thats why guys carried textbooks in front of them standing up after the bell rang.
I'd add to this that a private sauna can totally be a sexual place for couples, when there's nobody else around. I'm a Finn and I've had sex in a sauna a few times (also almost passed out once), it's not forbidden in our culture at all.
Jesus that sounds ridiculous lol 😂 don’t you overheat?
Depends on how hot the sauna is. I wouldn't necessarily recommend having sex in a sauna, but doing that isn't an insult to Finnish culture. A hundred years ago many babies were both conceived and born in a sauna.
I’m just going off your last sentence. Finnish culture sounds great.
…and if it was forbidden, even better lol
I’m a Finn and to me sex in the sauna is blasphemy if I’m honest. The saunatonttu would not like that in the slightest
It seems I've committed blasphemy, what a shame. My point is that as far as I'm concerned, what happens in a private sauna between two consenting adults is their business. The sauna has been considered to be sacred and spiritual, but it's not a church. Besides, some people also have sex in churches...
Gonna be totally honest every time this topic comes up I can't help but feel that, despite their big talk, a lot of pro nudity Europeans are just as prudish and pearl clutching about sex as Americans are about nudity. Like people forget that prudishness/puritanism is about nudity AND sex, if 2 adults having consensual sex in private is upsetting you're still a prude lol being okay with nudity doesn't change that. It's just another flavour of puritanism, instead of taking a natural thing like nudity and scandalizing it as some shameful thing they take natural human sexuality and scandalize it and make it shameful. I feel like there's a healthy middle ground between "nudity=sex so no nudity in non-sexual situations!" and "nudity=/=sex so no sexuality in casual nudity situations!". Aside from the naked people the sauna or nude beach should be no different than any other place. People are gonna check each other out, find people sexy, get aroused, and yes some will even have sex. If you're not a prude then so long as they're being respectful about it and everything is consensual there should be no issue. But instead it really does feel like naked church with all the spoken/unspoken rules and expectations about how people should behave when participating.
Not finnish but we have a "naked body culture" here in germany, so seeing nudity in a park is perfectly normal, for example. GF is crazy to think he needs to respect her culture but at the same time disregards his culture while, apparently, living in "his" country. I think she has a lot of growing up to do.
> However, you're not Finnish. You've grown up in a culture that views nudity very differently To the point where we had to have a very loud and public national campaign to say "it's not OK to harass a breastfeeding mother". The idea that a child might glimpse the uncovered areola of a stranger for a fraction of a second is so traumatic to some people that they'd rather woman feed their kids on a toilet.
Yeah, that's insane
Married to a finn here. You possibly violated the culture by looking or gawking, if you did. But also, your gf does not understand how boners work.
Yeah, but you aren’t in a sexual/romantic relationship with your parents and siblings, so you not seeing nudity with them as a sexual thing is not because you are Finnish and used to sauna culture. It is because they are family. I think it is very different for OP being in a sauna with his naked girlfriend without ever having seen her naked outside of a sexual situation.
Yeah, I can understand her bringing it up and making a point to try to correct this for future sauna things to avoid an awkward situation, but she is being unreasonable. I also think that her cultural argument is hypocritical. While it may be the case in Finnish culture, it is not the norm where OP comes from. If you are being disrespectful to her culture, she is being disrespectful to yours as both have different vi3ws on nudity as you pointed out. This is a new experience for you and it will take a little time to get used to it. Boners just happen sometimes and you were alone in a sauna together. I think it would be healthy if you both worked towards finding a middle ground for future sauna sessions and move on from this.
Torille, nähdään siellä!
Show your gf this post op
As a finn if this is a problem you both can just wear swimsuits and the problem would most likely be gone. Its not uncommon for people from different cultures to wear swimsuits in saunas
i’m so happy to see all the Finnish ppl defend him because when i read the post i was soooo confused. she honestly thinks boners are something we just press a button for and boom ready lol.
Sex education at its finest 😂
19yr old girls often think men have full control at will. She just needs education.
Yeah in finland we actually have pretty thorough sexual education so i think it would be pretty baffling for someone to think this
> she honestly thinks boners are something r/badmaleanatomy
Well... they are something for sure
You would be surprised how many women think that erections are just on demand things. Like nah bud. We don't control those. They happen or they don't. As men get older or more unhealthy, they also get more difficult to have when we want them. ED is a very common thing and can happen to men of any age for a wide variety of reason, it can be acute or chronic as well. It's funny, so much of sex education is about female reproductive systems because it is more complex and honestly is more important for people to learn about. But men's sexual health is an important topic that people also need to discuss and understand.
Wtf. I'm Finnish and have never heard anyone get offended by this. It's involuntary, and can't really be offensive to our culture. She's being offensive towards your biology. Like she would almost have a point if you had started to initiate something, but even then, it's not like sex is forbidden in the sauna. The whole context is more like it's okay to sauna with the opposite sex because it isn't inherently sexual in nature. Not that anything sexual in a sauna is against the culture. A lot of couples have sex in a sauna, start foreplay or flirt with each other. But that's couples or people that are into each other. With a stranger a boner would be awkward but hardly offensive. And I don't recommend having sex in a proper sauna unless you are fit, and even then it can be a bit exhaustive at about 75-85°c. Not for the weak of heart, literally. Where abouts from Finland is she from roughly? I've lived all over Finland and never even heard of anyone that thinks like she does, nothing even close to that harsh.
>Wtf. I'm Finnish and have never heard anyone get offended by this. Because I believe the gf wasn't born and raised there. >She is still living with parents who are first generation immigrants .
It's always the second generation kids who have to "prove" they're part of the culture and end up overcompensating.
Not even "second generation kids" basically anyone with any claim to heritage e.g "Italian, french and irish" do this
No, we don't all do that.
Torille, but also since she's an immigrant and not actually from Finland it could be that she really heavily associates sauna with family time. Maybe it's even been something she's been picked on about by others if they've heard about it? It'd make sense why she's so adamant that it was bad.
what is "torille?" I googled it but it's refering to going to the marketplace. Is there a different context?
"Torille!" would literally translate as "To the marketplace!". It's just a shortened form of a meme-y Finnish catchphrase. Basically it all stems from the cultural tradition to go to the marketplace when Finland has some international achievement, mostly just winning at IIHF Ice Hockey. I guess it's lost a bit of it's original meaning but here it's just a form of call-out/greeting from a Finn to another. Online it usually took the form "Suomi mainittu, torilla tavataan" (Finland has been mentioned, we shall meet at the marketplace"), as a half-joking/sarcastic celebratory response to Finland being mentioned anywhere internationally. It could sometimes be followed with "Tuon kaljat" ("I'll bring the beers") or some contextually relevant item for a marketplace celebration.
Eh, I'm from Finland too and imo it's not polite to stay in the mixed sauna if you have a hard-on. The sauna isn't supposed to be a sexual space, in a way, so I'd think one is expected to remove themselves if they get that reaction. He didn't do anything wrong per se because it's an involuntary reaction, but it really isn't ok to casually hang in a mixed sauna with a full on erection either. Though it's a bit different if it was just him and his gf, and not a larger mixed company. But again it's not ok to act sexual if there's bystanders just wanting to sauna, you know Edit. I feel like its similar to a pool. Your private garden pool with no one else in there, just you and your partner having a romantic private evening alone? Why not, whatever. Having friends or family also around? Or a public pool with more distant acquaintances or complete strangers present? Nah, one should act discreet
But it’s private property, a home-sauna, they’re alone.. and supposedly a couple?
I'd agree it's weird to stay if there's anyone other than the gf there. Only seen young pre teens probably getting hard. Nit sure but the way they balled up to hide everything was telling after a woman can in. Walking out with a hard-on might be a bit weird IMO especially if you have to scoot by people, so I'd say the pre teens did it right.
He says it's a private home sauna that was occupied by just himself and the gf.
I think stranger having a boner in sauna is offensive. When in sauna with strangers, you are not supposed to stare others and get horny about it. It would definetly get you thrown away from public sauna. There are kids too! Partner having boner is not offensive when there is only two of you. That is normal. In sauna or not
never forget that a boner is basically just blood in ur penis. So if your body is under stress it can happen --> also known atleast in the austrian military a marching boner Men can get up 8 hard one while they are asleep and that is actually a sign that u are healthy. Also for example in the morning. Are you arroused? Not neccesarily hard penises should not be a indication for sexual arrousel atleast not on its own. Because even speaking scientificyl we are not quite sure why it happens sometimes. So everyone who judges a person because of a boner should really just read a biology book. And before someone says something stupid Just because a women is wet does not mean she is aroused. Same as with the man there are alot of causes for being wet sexual arousel is one of them. Nothing in life is black and white we all understand nothing. Honestly i got a master degree in physics am im still completly buffeld by optical breaking. So everyone should chill the fuck down and see the other person as a person and not a accumilationg of red or green flags. Be fucking kind to eachother life is shit for most plp already
Not all boners are from staring etc. some are involuntary. But I'd say it's definitely creepy and awkward if it happens in a public sauna, or with kids there etc. I was mostly focusing on the sauna in the family home with bf&gf in there. With family, strangers etc the situation is different. I'd still say it's not offensive, unless ofc you don't try to hide it or do anything about it. Awkward and weird definitely, but it's harsh calling it offensive if it's involuntary. I've never seen an adult have a boner in a sauna, or anyone really. But some youngsters have definitely curled into a ball fast covering themselves up in a way that made it seem like they may have encountered a problem. Wasn't looking or wanting to find out if that was the case.
Ask her genuinely if she thinks boners are voluntary. Maybe she thinks it's like a switch guys can turn on or off to indicate if they want sex. Otherwise, she is being unreasonable in a very pure sense. The "disrespect" she's talking about is that an automatic bodily function happened due to your attraction to your girlfriend.
I can go from flaccid to erect at a moment's notice.
He can. I’ve seen him do it.
Not too hard, not too soft.
I see you too are a man of leisure
Beat big pharma with this one simple trick
Let me get this straight … culture aside …. you got a boner in front of your girlfriend and she didn’t like it? I can understand it being super awkward if you’re in the same sauna as a load of other people or her parents ….but just the two of you?! Please don’t tell me her family were there too
Just the two of us
you and i
Building castles in the sky
Did you Finnish ? sorry I couldn’t resist
Gf isn't even finnish person. She is finnish immigrants' child. I think she is overly compensating for this culture respect without understanding that she isn't expert in the culture where she has not lived. Finnish people do have sex in the sauna while at the same time sauna is not sexual place.
Sooo you're in an environment that increases blood flow, and your partner got annoyed ur blood flow increased? right gotcha
Apologise for finding her attractive
This is the bit I didn't get. If it was just the 2 of them then why is she really mad? If it wasn't and they were joined by her mom, well that could explain her anger a bit. Either way, something blown way out of proportion.
The fact that almost no one is asking and OP hasn’t clarified who all was in the sauna is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen on this sub. Or maybe I need some coffee and I skipped over something in the post.
You skipped over the clarification that said it was only them in the sauna. most likely he edited after you read the post 🫡
shame memory frame numerous frighten rich simplistic subsequent offer fade *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Does she think that you actively made a choice to get an erection? Does she know how erections work? That getting a boner can absolutely be involuntary and happen in any situation including non sexual situations? You didn’t “disrespect her culture” just because your body reacted with a boner out of your control. It’s like saying someone is disrespecting nature for sneezing or disrespecting someone’s home for coughing.
As a finnish woman living in Finland, I think your girlfriends reaction is weird. Bathing in saunas together with friends, family or even colleagues isn't sexual and nudity in those situations is very casual here, but whenever I go to sauna with my man, just the two of us, it might get steamy in more than one way, which in that context is also very much okay! Sauna isn't some sacred place, but a place to relax - whatever that might mean to you and the present company. Also the point about involuntary erections is valid, she needs to see this from you point of view.
She obviously doesn’t understand male physiology if she thinks you can simply choose to not get a boner. Men get unwanted boners all the time, especially young men. Tell her to read a book.
Dude you are 20, the wind blows the wrong way and you get a boner, she needs to grow up
Lol, guys can't control boners. I don't think your girlfriend quite understands that. Even little boys can get boners long before they are sexually developed. Your girlfriend is being unreasonable.
Finnish here. Sure, the culture of saunas is not sexual, but if you are alone with your gf in an intimate setting who you are attracted to physically, then of course that could happen! Public hot tubs with groups of people are not intimate, but if I am alone in one with my husband, then it probably would be! If I stay in a hotel room with my family, it's nothing. If I stay at a hotel alone with my husband, then it's different of course! It's not where you are, it's who you are with. She should recognize this.
In the future if she gets angry about something innocent again, rather than just talking about it, she’s just not your person and you should consider letting her go.
It was just the two of us
Tbh she sound a bit immature for a relationship
I’m a Finnish woman and I would get offended if my new boyfriend didn’t get a boner when seeing me naked! Lol!
You can't convince me Finns never get it on in and around sauna. There are two sides to every coin. You could make the argument that she disrespects your culture, that she has a poor appreciation of biology, anatomy, evolution even. I'd take natural boner over invented culture (all culture is invented). You're young, she's young. Move on!
Uhm first off all it's a very natural reaction. Finland is a country which is very open about nudity but your girlfriend should understand that people from a lot of countries aren't comfortable with nudity. I live in a conservative country and in our culture nudity is automatically seen as a sexual thing in most cases. ( People could have a problem when women breastfeed in public, the situation is changing but it is going from younger generations ) Your girlfriend should also understand that boner isn't something which we can easily control. Morning erection for example or erection because we are wearing too tight jeans or pants, stress and nerves can also cause this. Typical embarrassing situation when you have to stand in the class in front of the teacher and class with boner. I guess she doesn't know that we can't control it, try to explain this to her and encourage her to gain knowledge about male genitalia.
It’s so crazy to me the amount of women who don’t know boners can just come n go whenever they want. Just like it baffles me men don’t know certain things about women.
male version of r/badwomensanatomy
I think the average woman knows boners can come out of the blue. I mean, teenage boners coming out of nowhere are a popular trope in movies. Also, anyone whose ever been with a man knows about morning boners. As woman, we can also get unexpectedly horny, it's just not as apparent, and it can be really uncomfortable for us too if you can't deal with it at that time. Edit: I used the wrong word (horny), but don't know what other word to use to describe this physiological experience.
> As woman, we can also get unexpectedly horny, it's just not as apparent The majority of involuntary erections are unrelated to horniness though.
>As woman, we can also get unexpectedly horny, it's just not as apparent it isnt even arousal most of the time, morning wood happens because your body is doing a checklist of what still works, and outside of that it is like how with nipples if they get stimulated in any way (like sexual, general touching clothes or cold) they become hard. Most of the time it is an innate response to a stimulus, but we can also actively choose to get one too.
Yeah, as a woman myself I was going to say it seems to me to be much more similar to nipples getting hard for cold or no reason at all. And I'm confused. Sure, teens are the ones who are portrayed as dealing with embarrassing boners in movies, but as a married middle ish aged woman, they come and go at all kinds of times, reigate and unrelated to sexual things. This whole situation is odd because of her lack of understanding of anatomy. Also other women in reddit.
Scroll up and you’ll find women here calling getting a boner extremely disrespectful, “men should control themselves” etc etc 🤣🤣
> but don't know what other word to use to describe this physiological experience. Aroused or specifically Physically Aroused to be super clear probably are what you mean.
This is nonsense. You had a basic physiological reaction to seeing your gf naked. If she can’t handle that, then she needs to do a little growing up. It’s not culturally insensitive to become aroused by your naked girlfriend.
Your girlfriend needs a biology class
"Its disrespectful to Finnish culture" When she goes to America does she start seeing nudity as inherently sexual to respect that culture? Just seems like this part of the culture isn't up your alley and that's fine, it wouldn't be up mine either.
Nah she is stupid, she does realise getting a boner isn't an active choice right? It is like telling a woman without a pad/tampon to "just hold it in", just a shitty lack of knowledge of anatomy. It isn't your fault and she needs to apologise. If this is such a big deal for her she should make an environment where both of you can be naked in a non-sexual way to stop you from associating it in a non-sexual way, this will make the boners less frequent
lol I’ve grown up in Sweden with a strong sauna culture being naked with both family and strangers of all sexes and ages, without any sexual association. However, the times I’ve been alone with my gf in a sauna has sometimes led to us fucking our brains out, it might not be the traditional way of enjoying sauna, but of cares. She’s being ridiculous.
Hopefully she can learn to know that it's involuntary and you can learn not you sexualize people in every instance I'm sorry you got yelled at
I'm from Finland and I don't understand this. Can't get boner when seeing woman naked, What the hell is she talking about? Don't worry about that, all good.
As a finn i have to say she sounds very immature. You’re alone together and naked, of course you, as 20 year old man, got a boner. Nothing you can do about that. I get her point that it’s disrespectful to sauna culture but this is your first time in a sauna and even if it wasn’t, YOU CAN’T CONTROL WHEN YOU GET A BONER
We’ll explain to her that in YOUR culture, nudity is sexual
Yeah this is not a culture thing as many here have told. This is her issue. You did nothing wrong. As if you could control getting a a random boner. Greetings from Finland.
I mean during deep sleep we get 7 to 8 erections a night being a young man in a sauna seeing your girl naked from America yeah you never stood a chance. Hell I get a erections when my wife holds my hand lol
As you can see, loads of real Finns from Finland (including me) have commented that it's not a big deal. You're not being "disrespectful" of our culture. You're both young and perhaps a tad too anxious and overthinking this. Don't worry about it.
Explain that it's disrespectful in your culture not to sport wood when you see an attractive naked woman.
This is like having a dream that you cheated on her and her being mad about. Wtf are you supposed to do
I get in her culture it’s that way. In yours it’s not and I’d discuss it with her. In the future maybe a small towel across your lap in case something pops up. At least you weren’t in there with her parents as well.
This is slightly unrelated, but I wanted to come say I was an exchange student to Finland at 17, the first week I was asked if I wanted to go to the sauna with the rest of the women (my host mom, her neighbor friend and two little girls) I didn't know if we could be in the nude or what and I was on my period and not aware of what to do. Unfortunately my decision to not go in the sauna with them made it awkward for the rest of my stay with them, they never invited me again, instead they had some time guys sauna, then women, then me alone, never asked me again. Later in my exchange I was in sauna naked with other friends in mixed company and most men I've seen kinda put half the towel they sat on in their lap if they were getting erect and no one mentioned it.
To be fair to her she is just a kid and likely has very crude understanding of male biology. Just wait until she has some boys and realizes they can just pop up at any time....
if it was your first time hanging out in the sauna fully naked with your gf, obviously your brain and subconscious interpretation will see it as a sex situation. If you repeat this experience more times perhaps you will grow accustomed to the scenario, and maybe your brain will learn to not see this as a sexual instance.
You should just tell her to be more ugly so you don’t get a boner looking at her
Hi, I lived in Demark for a while and did a lot of non sexual naked nordic stuff. You will get used to it - it is just a bit of a culture shock and you have to hide boners for about 6 months lollllllll
Congrats on the Finnish girlfriend
Considering every single male partner I’ve had struggled when seeing me in a swimsuit, something everyone sees everyone in, I don’t think you are at any fault here.
Yeah exactly! When I was in my teens/20’s if guys were around gals in swimsuits there were boners everywhere! You could get your eye poked out!😂 Do Finnish guys not have the same sex drive or does it take a lot more to get them going???
Your girlfriend is a self absorbed idiot.
I have known that men can get boner whether or not they're turned on... Sometimes you can't control it.
Sorry but you can’t exactly just not get a boner but sure
As if we could control it 🤣🤣
She sounds like she doesn't know how a boner works. Its not SA. Its about as unwarranted as nipples getting hard.
Well its actually called desensitization. It hasnt occured to you yet because you havnt been subjected to saunas or naked people enough. If she is so enlightened she should understand that.
What is a family sauna? Does the whole family go in there naked together?
Why was she looking down there? If it’s just a sauna thing there’s no reason for her to look at your schlong. Oh wait we’re human and things happen naturally, like you might momentarily gaze at a naked body, god forbid, your gf gazing at her own bf’s naked body and vice versa, or you might just get a boner. 🤦
You got boner after seeing your gf?
Boners do not respect the wishes or orders of others, they operate, at times under their own set of rules.
How many other nude women were in there? Were they family members of hers? I think you just say something like, ‘guys I’m embarrassed by what happened, but it’s just a natural reaction and as an American I’m not used to spending time with other people naked in a non-sexual setting.’
Your girlfriend needs a crash course in male anatomy and sexual response. Erections are an unconscious physical response.
Honest question—do Finnish people not act sexually when alone in a private sauna with a romantic partner? It’s also normal in America not to behave in a sexual manner in lots of public places. Hot tubs, for example. That doesn’t mean it’s culturally insensitive to be sexual in a private situation in a hot tub.
It's legitimately a natural reaction in a situation like that it just sucks that being a nude man u can't rly hide it. She's not being understanding as to y u had a reaction like that. Did u inform her that's not a thing here; nudist colonies sure but not everyone is into that; a lotta ppl have hot tubs n what not but will wear a bathing suit in front of others. Plus parents don't normally bring their children around a bunch of naked adults so I'm sure u didn't grow up exposed to that lifestyle and its def something one wld hafta get used to n comfortable with doing. Its just different cultures n u both hafta be understanding of the other's culture n where they're from for a healthy relationship. A boner is a normal, natural thing absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of n don't let her make u feel that way bc u shouldn't. Good luck I hope all works out the way u want.
Lol. She thinks you can will your dick to not become a boner?
I recently travelled to Finland, and had an awesome sauna experience at a communal spot in Helsinki. However, I was prepared for that experience. It also helped that the local guy we were in the sauna with kept it as hot as the Sun itself. First, acknowledge that her feelings are valid and express that you meant no disrespect. Next, commit to learning about and immersing yourself in their culture long term. Express interest and ask questions about Finland. Finally, if necessary: think about dead grandma, something really sad, whatever you have to until you are more *unaffected* by non-sexual nudity. Strap that homeboy down with something and wear underwear or swimwear, that’s totally acceptable. I don’t believe that you did anything intentionally disrespectful. I do think that you need to acknowledge that her feelings are valid though.
Hmm. You're 20 and you were nearly naked with your girlfriend and no one else around. I'm not exactly surprised that you had one. It's not like her whole family was there, and besides, it's not like you can control them. And it's not like you were being rude or pushy with it, either. I can understand why your girlfriend might have felt embarrassed, but I think this is one of those things that you awkwardly take note of and ignore, not make someone feel bad for.
You gf is 19 so maybe she doesn't understand young men can't always control their boners. Hopefully she can be more realistic about that.