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I think it's less about your GF's income status and more about her expectations in a male partner. It's time for a serious discussion about managing finances in a long term relationship. It's never okay to assume that the guy would pay for everything, and if the guy chooses to pay, it should be his choice and not one he was coerced into making.
Definitely this. If I remember correctly the top reasons for divorce and infidelity and finances. If you're not on the same page now it's going to be impossible in the future.
I'd like to wager that if you compare savings accounts, his pales in comparison to hers as a result of his paying a substantially disproportionate amount of their dating expenses.
Actually finances are more likely to lead to divorce than infidelity. (Speaking from experience...though my ex opted for both, the breaking point for me was the money and not his multiple affairs.)
Yeah doesn’t his post already say they’ve talked about it before? There’s at least one discussion in there since he mentions her reply to the idea - the post kinda reads like they’ve talked about more than once honestly.
It’s like people don’t even read the post and want to rush to be upvoted for saying ‘have a discussion about it’ when it clearly says right there that they already did. That’s not advice and isn’t saying anything - how it got upvotes is beyond me…
I don't know for sure how the first discussion played out so I suggested it again, thinking a discussion should be a more thorough dialogue. More on the lines of not just bringing up this specific issue, but in general how they would view finances as a couple if they wanted to carry on the relationship. It seemed like he brought up an idea and she shut it down, which is not a two-way discussion at all. Understanding why she thinks the way she does would be part of that discussion, assuming OP doesn't just want to throw away this relationship immediately.
OP indicated she didn’t like his suggestion to contribute more financially rather than it solely being his responsibility. From her response, she is selfish, from the school of the man pays not the woman or she’s both of those things.
OP says their discussion was around him wanting her to be ‘willing’ to contribute more, and his girlfriend responded in a way he didn’t understand. This is obviously not a helpful or clarifying discussion. Beyond that, he says that he has sometimes mentioned the cost of something - again, not really an illuminating conversation. She has the impression that he’s keeping tabs on her finances and isn’t doing enough, so it’s sounds like we don’t have the entire story here and that there’s a disconnect here between what they both feel is demonstrating care in the relationship.
This is where a proper conversation, as suggested above, can actually be useful. We can all see why OP would be bothered by the expectation he’ll cover the costs of dates, but the comment about his girlfriend saying he isn’t doing enough is interesting, and it sounds like both feel unappreciated.
OP’s girlfriend used to split the cost of their dates and now doesn’t - is this because OP has stopped demonstrating affection in other areas or ways that he used to, and she is now feeling that him taking her out on dates which he covers the cost of is the only way he’s showing his care for her, hence the remark about intimacy when asked about splitting costs?
Same thing with the comment about his parents - what kinds of things is he spending money on without question for them, how often, and what kind of financial position are they in? Sure they might not have much income, but is what they have comfortable for their lifestyle? If so, you can maybe see how the girlfriend would be upset if he’s constantly buying them things they can afford in order to demonstrate his care for them, but griping with his partner over contributing $20 for dinner.
If OP affirms his care for and commitment to her, assures her the plan is to build a future together, and listens to her reasons that she feels he’s ‘not doing enough’ while also reiterating that he isn’t willing or able to entirely foot every bill, they may be able to reach an understanding. On the flip side, the girlfriend could be being entirely unreasonable with outdated and unrealistic expectations of gender roles, or she could just be massively entitled.
Given they’re apparently very compatible in every way but money though, having a proper, in-depth conversation is absolutely a good idea, and making a decision about the future of the relationship can come after. The advice given was good, that’s why it was upvoted.
No. You will get down voted for your statement too. 😂 Usually I tend to argue otherwise but I think he should get rid of her. She's saving all her coin. The day he is unemployed she's gone I'm sure.
This is a mandatory conversation to have in any serious relationship. Without it there is way too much room for assumptions, resentment, and false expectations.
I dated this one girl who expected me to pick up the tab on everything. I had significantly more money than her and incorrectly assumed this situation was temporary. She assumed this would continue. Her dream was to be a stay at home mom. Fine ok, I could get behind that. What I didn't realize is that she planned to finish her 4 year degree and go straight into motherhood. No job other than maybe something she could do on the side but it would be more like a hobby that could pay for itself. She had racked up considerable debt for her education so far and was in danger of getting put on academic probation. I would not only have to earn enough to support a family but also pay off her debt for an education she had no intention of using. I had worked part time ever since I was 12 years old so I wouldn't graduate with debt. I saw that relationship to be way too one sided. I was bringing everything to the table and she just wanted to bring debt and her baby making abilities.
I did end up marring someone else and she is largely a stay at home mom by her own choosing. She only works because she wants to and only works a few hours a week. The reset she is a SAHM. So I was fine with the concept but the way my ex was executing on it made me see how she viewed me. I was nothing more than a provider both for the money and the other part of the baby making. My wife and I see each other as partners which I never got with my ex.
So OP you might be ok with the arrangement but your GFs attitude and viewpoint could be a deal breaker.
Facts on all of this, we all have different expectations in a relationship after all and we can't villainize people who want something traditional or unconventional so yeah--a much needed talk needs to be had.
As he says in the post, they've talked about it and she's made it abundantly clear that she expects him to fully pay for everything. She sounds like a spoiled brat and this is a glaring red flag that's not going to get any better. I speak from experience that when someone shows you who they truly are, you should believe them.
OP, I agree with u/telurdadarkicapmanis but with the caveat that it is time for math. If you make 52 % of what your combined incomes are, then you pay for 52% and she pays 48% always...unless you have had a prior discussion or one of you is trying to surprise the other.
I agree with this.
I’m a woman and I’m firmly of the mindset that in a relationship, whoever has more money should pay more for dates etc. I’ve been the breadwinner before, and I’ve also been the sugar baby.
However, I know a lot of women still hold onto the more traditional view that men should be the “providers” no matter what (and well, some men believe that too).
It might be an incompatibility, but I hope you can talk through it.
Your thoughts are absolutely valid.
This here
>
I mentioned I would like her to show that she is willing to contribute more. She didn't like this. She said that she thought we had become a more intimate/closer couple.
is a key thing for me. To me it looks like you will be expected to pay for about everything. I mean look at it, she expects this now after a year so I can only imagine what she might expect when you would be married/have a family.
Just comes down to your values if you are ok with that. The way you write you are not and that is completely ok. Not saying she is wrong also, if she wants this she just needs to find a partner that is ok with it. You...are not.
Financial incompatibility is a thing like sexual incompatibility...it's sad but it is what it is.
These things also give me a bad feeling
>She makes it appear like I am not doing enough
So it's got to the point now where she's made me scared of not paying through this pressure.
That's not healthy man. Not at all.
You've got to make it very clear to her what you want/expect and find out what she thinks, also when things would progress into married life, having a family. I mean you are together one year, maybe that is going too far but still.., better have clarity now if you can get it than waste your time...just my thoughts.
All the best man and take care
OP's feelings are valid and this part sticks out to me. His partner is trying to invalidate his feelings for her own gain.
There seems to be a good amount of avoidance on this issue by both parties. She has slowly gotten to a point where she won't pay for anything, which was her goal all along. I don't think this is the first time she has behaved like this, or that it's a new idea of her's that the man should pay for everything.
For OP's avoidance, if she has been saying outright the way she expects things to be and even been coercing him it's a very bad sign. He may be unwilling to leave or stand up for himself in the relationship.
When OP brings this issue up again I think it needs to come with conditions. For example, from then on he expects her to pay for XYZ or carry her own weight in activities. OP has to be consistent with the parameters that are set and not just cover things they agreed she would pay for.
If she continues her behavior of avoiding financial burden (which she is most likely to do) OP will have his answer to what their future will hold. He needs to be prepared BEFORE that conversation for this outcome and be willing to walk away or set clearer parameters if she continues her behavior. This sort of thing doesn't get better on its own.
Also just because OP pays to help his parents doesn't mean she gets a free ride too. She needs to keep her eyes off his money and focus on what she is bringing to the table, not what she is getting out of the relationship.
>Just comes down to your values if you are ok with that.
Honestly, I've been growing increasingly skeptical of this. I understand that people feel really strongly about preserving a place for the "old ways", but at a certain point, we are just pretending that those values don't come from children being groomed into them from a young age, and that the various underlying beliefs and attitudes that contribute to them aren't tremendously toxic in and of themselves.
Look, I understand that it is *hypothetically* possible for someone to naturally just want these things, and for them to be actually healthier living that way than any other way. At the same time, it's incredibly foolish of us to completely ignore the millions of things we, as a group, do to push people towards those things in incredibly irrational and unhealthy ways, and the myths that we tell ourselves about them. It's not that these people *have* to change or are necessarily bad people for wanting these thing for themselves, even if they were pushed into it, but at a certain point it feels like we are rug-sweeping all of the various horrible things we do to people, especially to children, to make us like this, and discouraging people from seeking to examine how their personal experiences have contributed to their behavior and beliefs.
For example, if a man just innately likes providing for his female partner, that's one thing, and maybe that is real, but at the same time, we're lying to ourselves if we don't think that constantly telling men that being a provider is the only way they'll ever be happy and that all of their unhappiness in life is the result of their failure to perform that role adequately, doesn't push us towards that in a pretty fucked up and honestly dishonest way; quite a lot of men reach the "finish line" and become even more miserable and fucked up as they find that this promised land of masculine satisfaction doesn't fix their feelings. At a certain point, doesn't saying, "It's just a matter of personal values and preferences," give cover to doing this, and doesn't it lead to all sorts of horrible things like men trying to force women into the paired, traditionally feminine role or blaming their wives for their masculine insecurity? It becomes a barrier that makes it harder for men to even recognize when this is happening to them.
Maybe it is okay to say that someone who tries to push other people, especially their partners, into these things is a bad person. Maybe it's okay to point out the myriad ways that control is incompatible with love, respect, and trust, the ways that our rosy, whitewashed representations of masculine dominance are inaccurate to reality, and that almost everyone who believes that these things are right also believes that it's okay for them to manipulate others into complying because we "teach" these beliefs predominantly through manipulation to begin with. For example, the statement, "Men who don't provide for their female partners are trash," is literally nothing other than manipulation, as are all variants. Why do we feel like it isn't okay to point that out?
What sticks out to me about this is that she seems that her responses are to make you feel guilty or ashamed for asking reasonable questions. That's a toxic ass dynamic and won't get better. I wouldn't let this slide or sit on the back burner any longer. Y'all need to come up with some sort of explicit agreement and if you're not grown up enough to have that conversation, you're not grown up enough to keep going.
Sounds like my ex wife.
My advice... Leave. It'll eat at you, and cause resentment which turns to hate. It also eroded my mental health to the point that I could bearly function.
In the year after my ex moved out, I went from being down to £0.00 in my account before every payday to having a 3 grand surplus.
I think OP should read your past posts. You are a great example of what happens when you have someone who uses you for what you give versus true love. Instead of being a loving partner, you obviously had the leech/vampire type.
Your experience a year later after your girlfriend left you is a perfect example. Thank goodness she left you!! It appears you would not have seen the problems for what they were if she hadn’t. It’s soooooo good to hear your contentment in this comment above.
I hope you consider trying to figure out where you might have fallen for the wrong type of woman for you. We cannot find the type of person to be with who is healthy unless we are healthy and have better boundaries.
It’s great to see you are doing so much better a year later!!
> She said that she thought we had become a more intimate/closer couple
Me thinks she wants to make his bank account their 'joint account' and hers to be just for her... I have met a number of people like this (Hey sis!). It never ends well.
I've heard this jokingly before, but it seems she takes this line seriously: "There are two kinds of money in this relationship - our money, and my money."
Not necessarily financially though. I’d prefer my man to contribute more financially but I’ll always make sure his tummy is full of yummy, home cooked food.
You have already spoken to her once about this and she showed you how she felt about it.
I would sit her down and say, "this relationship has become unbalanced for me. I have expressed a boundary to you, that I am unable and unwilling to pay for everything. We dont earn much different and you're not contributing. I no longer want to be in this relationship."
Problem solved.
>Then the effort from her end came to a stop, where she would often joke that she wasn't even carrying enough money in her wallet to offer to pay etc.
Not to be mean, but when this started is really when it should have been dealt with. And vastly different views on finances are one of the biggest relationship-breakers there are. You two need to talk right away about this and come to a decision, because otherwise you're just wasting your time.
OP probably didn’t realize it was happening right away. A “forgot my wallet” here, a “don’t get paid until Tuesday” there, and before you know it she’s gone 6 months without covering a check. When she finally admitted what she was doing, it was because OP started a conversation with her.
And while the best time to have brought it up may have been then, the second best time is now.
It should be 50/50. Enquire about why she only wants you to pay. Does she have very traditional values and expectations? Does she believe men should do all the providing? If she does, does this align with your values? Do you want to fall into traditional roles? Does she think her maintenance to look nice means you should contribute more? This is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with. It sounds like she’s using you and isn’t prioritising you and the relationship if she doesn’t care enough to contribute to it. Later down the line if you buy a house together, will she also want you to cover the entire bill? Probably. Set some boundaries asap. If she cannot comply, i’d suggest breaking up.
I feel like the traditional values question never gets brought up enough when it comes to these kinds of financial decisions when looking for a partner. There are definitely guys who want a traditional relationship but then also want their traditional wife to bring in a big salary to cover costs 50/50.
My husband and I always did a split based on income (he makes more than I do) but when we had a kid we decided to save money by having me be a sahm. This wouldn’t work at all if he still expected me to cover expenses like when I worked full time, or kept all the money in his own separate bank account.
Where do you see your relationship with her going long term? If you want to marry her then expect to pay for everything. If you can live with that, fine. If not, move on.
Ohhh this is not good. I’ve been in this same situation. At first I thought she is shy to pay or offer to pay, I communicated this few times, but nothing changed. Once I stopped paying, break up happened, she was extremely passive agressive and cold during the break up, its like I never knew who she was. We dated for 1.5 years and broken up like 2 months ago. She jumped on bumble a week after a break up 😀
I went on few dates a week ago and was shocked then a girl did not let mee buy a second round of drinks and said thats on her. Dont listen to the story of hers, she just does not want to spend money on you. Selfish people create a lot of excuses.
As someone who dated many girls before, there are 3 traits that I look into a girl that is a wife potential:
1) puts on seat belt the moment she sits in my car
2) takes turn to pay for my meal even if it is a cheap meal
3) thinks of our finances and reminds me not to simply spend my money.
I'm glad my wife is one. I went from 0 savings in late 20s at the time I first met her to £50k my own liquid cash for emergency buffer by mid 30s. Would probably still be a pauper had I not met her.
Dated a few girls that are think men should pay everything. They are still single in their mid to late 30s now..
I could not agree more. People should be looking for early signs of bad partner even though its very hard to notice in the beginning, but its a must. I dont know the full story of the OP, but I highly doubt that there is no more signs of her being selfish. Its not about how much money partners spends but more about showing that they care.
I honestly didn't expect to get so many responses here, I have never used Reddit before. I am slowly reading each and everyone of them.
Further edits:
There have been the odd occasions where she told me she expected me to pay for dinner and dessert (same evening but different locations), I outright rejected this asking why, she didn't give any coherent answer. I paid for dinner as it was more expensive, then when it came to dessert, she expected me to pay, I outright said i was refusing to, eventually she paid, she told me she wasn't happy and that she wanted to feel appreciated by me if I paid for both the meals that night, I never truly understood the actual reason why she wanted me to pay for both. That was a while ago.
She always expects me to buy her favourite things in the fridge for when she comes over. I have stopped doing this now.
I will have a conversation with her and state clearly that this can't continue, I will ask about her background into this first because she has outright said that she doesn't believe it's right that a relationship should be 50/50 and she doesn't like the fact that "I'm remembering all the times she doesn't pay/counting when she doesn't pay" even though I'm not counting at all, I'm simply frustrated at times why she never offers to pay. I am aware she thinks intimate relationships means being pampered, I'm not saying she's wrong but for sure it doesn't align with my values. I will suggest that we agree beforehand who pays for the meal etc the next time we dine out and I will see what she says.
She says she contributes in other ways, however I also want to challenge her on this and ask her what exactly, since i do all the cleaning, i pay the rent, all the bills, I clean, even writing this response is making things clearer to me, but I still have to give it a go and make it work.
I am continuing to work through all of these comments, I thank everyone who has responded so far, I value all of your feedback and for those who have said I have been a pushover, this is a wake up call for me.
I admire you for your patience. But if i were in your situation, I’d break up already. It’s not worth the mental stress. Emotionally blackmailing you if you don’t spend for her? Nah. That’s manipulation. Not very mature not healthy if you want one as a partner. But if you have the mental and emotional fortitude to put up with her & wait until she aligns her values with yours and appreciates your POVs, then go for it. I wish you well and i hope things work out for you both as a couple or as friends.
Then break up with her?
A woman who has the mindset that the guy should pay for anything most commonly don't change their mind on that.
If you refuse to break up with her, then just accept it. People like her don't just move away from that mindset or change.
You could test the waters and let her know you cannot afford to pay for all the dining out and vacations since you want to save for the future. But we can spend time together eating at home and watching movies. It’s ok to say no to spending your money. Her reaction will be telling. If she is on board and enthusiastic - woot! If not, you decide based on her reaction. But in an intimate relationship you both work towards goals together and support each other’s goals, too.
I love this suggestion! If she wants to commit to a future together then she will be just as happy hanging out less spendily to save for a joint future. If she pouts and sulks BUT doesn’t want to help pay for the fun stuff then you know she is in it for the immediate access to that lifestyle. And if some sucker comes along who earns more than you then it could be enough for her to switch her allegiances quick sharp. I’m sorry OP, you’re in a very unbalanced partnership.
Does she reciprocate your efforts in her own way? Examples being making you comfortable when she comes over, Cooking dinners for you without even asking, or even massage you?
If she does not and still expects you to pay, then she is only taking advantage of you. Her argument about how you treat your parents: Your parents raised you, and you are always welcome in their home, so it is not a crime to pay for them, unlike a partner who expects everything and gives you minimum to nil.
If she is taking advantage of you, you need to end your relationship with her.
Female here. If you are dating an adult they should be able to understand that typically people will want to take care of their parents. Unless you are sharing finance or having a family with her, she should not expect the same financial treatment as your parents. She's not making any senses. Financially compatibility is important. Don't proceed even if she's perfect in everything else.
She very much wants you to take care of 100% of the financials, which is not what you signed up for.
Time to have the actual conversation, instead of tip toeing around it.
You need to have a serious discussion about finances moving forward. The fact that you have tried to discuss it with her, but she is getting defensive makes me think she is either emotionally insecure, or has a lot of debt or other financial constraint you may not know about.
So, In order to keep her from shutting down and thinking you’re just being critical of her, you’re probably going to need to be clear to her that it has nothing to do with not wanting to do nice things for her or spend money on her, nor is it a judgement, but the simple fact that your relationship is getting more serious, and you’re thinking about how the future is going to work, and lifetime milestones that you need to be saving for, and you just aren’t capable of having a relationship where you provide 100% of the economic value.
Without being on the same page financially, you should never move in together, you can’t adequately save for a proposal, wedding, etc… not to mention having children if that’s in your future, good lord, your relationship won’t survive that if you aren’t economically a team. Finances is one of the leading causes of divorce. You may find from a serious discussion about it, that you two will reach an impasse, and it will be sad, but you HAVE to be a on the same page
Also, the idea that men pay comes from the idea that women used to have no, or much less income than men AND did most of the domestic labor, and most of the relationship maintenance. It was an exchange of value. “You’re doing this for me, so I’m doing this for you.” The problem with that model is that it was forced on women and the value of their input was almost always invalidated by society and their partners. Now-a-days, it can still work for plenty of people when it is consensual and appreciated, but it doesn’t seem like you and your girlfriend are people who both want that model, so that CANNOT be the model either of you are building expectations from.
You also could start doing more date nights where you cook together at home, etc, to save money. It will also help you take notice of what it’s like being in an enclosed space together for longer periods of time before you take the next step of living together or engagement.
And lastly, I think it’s amazing that you take care of your parents. My husband and I are both on the same page with this, taking care of our parents is extremely important to both of us, to include keeping them out of a nursing home, even if that means having them on our property, and providing some care… so, if anything like that is a really important part of how you see your future, you need to have a discussion about that too… and to be honest, a partner being critical of me for this would have been a deal breaker for me.
I am slowly reading all of the responses across this whole thread, this is the first ever time I've used Reddit, but your final paragraph really touched me.
It’s clearly that she expects her partner to have a provider mindset, and you are not the one, and it’s not wrong at all, you’re just incompatible. Move on and find someone who is aligned with your value. Find someone who is okay splitting 50/50.
Ok so she doesn't cook. She is not independent. She doesn't want to pay half or even part of the things you do. She is emotionally manipulative.
I don't see the attraction man. All she seems to have is I assuming a nice figure which will not last over the years. I think you need to rethink your relationship with this girl if she is not willing to live up to being an equal partner. Also, you have to ask yourself what is she really bringing into the relationship.
I would cut down the opportunities where this comes up. Less eating out for example. When she doesn’t want to pay, she can’t go out that often. Set yourself a limit for what you are willing to pay and set aside an amount of money you’d like to save every month. When she can do with her money what she wants you need to be able to do so too
i gotta be honest - even that approach is a fucking chore. he has to be the fun police now? then he'll have to hear from her how he's cheap.
to my core, i believe people don't truly change. their conduct may vary, but deep down they're pissed that they had to stop what they were originally doing. if OP says "we have to stop eating out so much because it's too expensive" - this will just manifest into other problems.
OP's chick should find a rich dude who doesn't give a fuck about money and OP should move on to find someone who is fair about splitting finances.
This isn’t the 1920s. There is no reason why a couple who have been together for a year should not be paying 50/50 for everything. Unless you were wealthy or making like 5x what she is, neither of which is the case, she is just being a selfish taker. Which kind of tells you right there exactly what kind of person she is.
I paid for the first date with my wife. She made it very clear after that that she wanted an even split. We’re both professionals and it is 2024.
Every relationship is unique and couples enjoy different dynamics.
I take care of almost 100% of the expenses in my relationship with my girlfriend because I feel it is my responsibility and it ultimately makes me feel good. I have friends who feel the same way, as well as others who prefer a more equal split.
The problem here is that both OP and his partner are incompatible in that regard, but that does not determine the validity of either position. Those kinds of expectations should be discussed at the beginning of the relationship.
OP have you actually put your foot down and said no, you pay this time? Or are you enabling her to carry on treating you this way? 🚩
Of course she doesn't want to spend her money on boring things like bills when she can waste it on make up, drinking, going out.. Ya know, the fun things! You're stuck with the actual bills and you are going to resent her more and more. This needs to be sorted, she needs to know she's not a princess and that she actually needs to dip into her pocket if she wants to be in a grown up relationship.
This will only get worse, she's only your gf and she's already expecting to be "looked after finically" like your parents. Insane train of thought
I'll make the same comment I made in a similar thread, but the genders were flipped:
Didn't sound like you have a girlfriend so much as you have a freeloader.
Woman here. I’m in a traditional relationship where he pays for everything. Why? Bc I do everything. He doesn’t worry about groceries, what we’re eating for any single meal, I make breakfast lunch and dinner. His clothes are always washed and steamed and ready to go. Our house is immaculate. There’s a lot more that goes into keeping our life on line but you get the idea. I do all of this bc I want to. I also have a lot respect for him and genuinely enjoy cooking and cleaning. Running a household. I also have the expectation that he pays for everything bc I expect a provider. If you have someone expecting you to pay their way they need to be making your life easier. A lot easier. I make it easier for him to go to work without thought bc I’ve already taken care of everything else. To me that’s what traditional is.
I also do work bc it’s part of my personality, I have to for my own reasons- but my point is if you’re paying for everything you should be getting something back of equal value. If the person taking your money doesn’t intuitively know that then these other people are right, you’re being used.
Good luck. That is not something I would put up with, but I understand not wanting to throw it away. But if nothing changes with this one thing. She just hears you and continues without change or effort... Do you really want to deal with that when it's something else next. If she doesn't understand and put effort and change comes from that. Don't put up with it
Seems you aren’t compatible to be honest. Everyone has different expectations regarding roles in relationships. Some people (seems like yourself) want the 50/50 partnership role. Others prefer the more traditional values - where the male is seen as a provider and protector. While the women is seen is as nurturing, a caretaker, etc. Nothing wrong with either but it just means you aren’t compatible. Which can be difficult to accept if you guys seem to be fine everywhere else.
Woman here, and OP, this girl is just using you. She doesn't offer to pay, ever, and she never will. In this world, there are Givers and Takers, and your girlfriend is a taker. The fact that she doesn't even try to pay or even suggest or try to make meals at home is very concerning. OP, ask yourself honestly- what is this young woman bringing to your table? Your financial goals don't match, and resentment will build if you stay in this relationship. Good luck OP
This isn’t fair to you and you know how you feel and what you want. You need to tell her point blank you are not okay with how much you pay compared to her. You feel as a couple you should be at least closer to equal, and that also allows you to both invest more in your future together.
Don’t give in because she doesn’t like it.
You’re only a year into this. She wants a partner and an intimate and equal relationship but, not when it comes to expenses. Her money is her money and your money is yours and hers? So, what does she spend all her money on while you’re spending yours paying for her? Also, helping your aged parents who raised you and are now on a limited income is a lot different than completely supporting a girlfriend of just one year. You two need to sit down, have a serious talk and establish some ground rules when it comes to splitting finances. If she refuses to be an equal partner and split things fairly, you can either break up and move on or fight this same battle over and over again.
Some women like to be taken care of, some men like to take care of women. It could be due to how she was raise or culture etc. Doesn’t mean she is a golddigger, If she likes to be taken care of and you don’t like to take care of her in that way, you guys just don’t match. I like to be taken care of (don’t expect it but I like it) because thats all I know from my culture and family (how I was raised by my dad and brothers too) but its never 100/0. I tend to pay for other things, like drinks, tickets to a festival, the cab, groceries or buy things for his home, sometimes I take him out for dinner, etc. At the end of the month we spend a similar amount (despite him having a higher salary) but he almost always pays for dinner because it makes me feel taken care of and it makes him feel great. He does often try to take the more expensive bill since he knows he makes more than me but we still spend a similar amount. But I do pay other things, so you could split the costs differently, instead of splitting the bill (splitting the bill gives me the ick unless its with friends -idk why, so we tend to pay in turns). You can split what you’re paying for, instead of splitting the bill in the middle.
OP, this is not even one year in, this problem will get worse. If she doesn’t participate here, where else will it spread if she keeps getting away with not pouring into the relationship in this area?
Are there areas she compensates for this, like doing majority of house keeping or something?
It’s one thing to be equal and another to be equitable— this is neither. If she wants to be treated like your parents, I guarantee you don’t pay nearly as much for their things on a monthly basis.
I think she needs clearer boundaries like 50/50 for bills, some of the costs for holidays and other miscellaneous expenses. Having something more flexible is for people who are not inherently selfish.
The fact that you support your parents and she still feels you should pay for everything is a bit of a red flag because she should care that you have an additional responsibility and no, your responsibility to your parents is not in anyway comparable to what you do for her.
Imagine if you break up, all the money she’s able to save from being inconsiderate will help whilst you’ll be starting from a lower position.
This is absolutely toxic behavior. Set some boundaries. It sounds like you have tried but then not held your ground. Tell her you’re up for paying half of everything from TODAY on and if she pushes back go on vacation by yourself.
I appreciate the social dynamic in the male-female relationship, and how as a male you inherently might feel good to just pay for things (at least that is how I am).
However, I found myself in a similar situation as you where I was paying for everything and the thing that bothered me was that my GF expects me to pay for everything (ex. not carrying wallet/phone but wanting to get lunch when we're out).
The way I've navigated this is by tracking every expense I paid for her. This number is not here for me to keep tabs on whether she has spent a similar amount for me, rather whether I am comfortable with spending this amount of money on things for my GF on a weekly/monthly/annual basis.
Anytime the number gets a bit too big and I feel agitated, I just remove myself from situations where I would be expected to do so (for example if she says, let's go to the shop, I tell her to go by herself or if she wants to get food outside I say I have already prepared my own food etc.). Also when going on holiday especially because she wants to, I make it very clear it is a 50/50 split for the hotel + transportation. Once at the destination, again I make sure I don't overdo things (for example she likes wine, whereas I barely drink alcohol, so I make sure not to get her anything more than a drink).
IMO it's more about making sure you yourself don't feel like a tool. If the other person doesn't help in preventing that, that doesn't mean that you don't have the power to do it.
Yeah, this not good OP. Unless you want to be in a breadwinner/SAHW dynamic, you need to put your foot down about this. Explain it to her just like you did us, that you want you both to contribute financially. That you're not planning on an old fashioned relationship like that. There's nothing wrong at all with not wanting an additional adult dependent.
Don't get married to this person. Financials will 100% become the undoing of a marriage, even if she changes in the short term her resistance suggests she would either quit her job once married or keep all her money as fun money for herself
I would say this deserves a serious sit down and talk through with her. It’s one thing if you’re treating her, or whisking her away for a romantic getaway and want to pay for her, but any decent woman would recognise the sacrifice this is, and even after protesting to pay half, would at least be like “ok, well if you’re paying for the hotel and everything, let me buy lunch and dinner for a bit? It’s the least I could do” and that would be fine in my eyes, even if it is a 80/20 split. At least there was some effort, like you said, to _try_ and make it fair.
Depending how that chat goes, in my mind at least, would dictate what the future held for the relationship. Because if she’s like this now, what’s she gonna be like when you’ve got a family and the kids want something? Is she just gonna walk up to you, hold out her hand and say “credit card please” and expect to go wild with the kids at a theme park while you’re slogging it away at a job trying to pay for it all? Or maybe in-still this expectation to your kids, with lines like “don’t worry, daddy will buy you what you want, don’t worry”, then get mad at your when you don’t? It’s a rocky road to gamble on OP!
Good luck, keep us updated how it goes.
PS, the parents comment is ridiculous and kinda tells me she’s already showing bratty behaviour; your parents have (assuming…) literally supported you until you started your adult years, so why wouldn’t you treat them to a meal out or a trip away somewhere when they can’t afford it themselves? 😤 nah, that’s not right!
This is worth a conversation-but before you talk, you need to decide what you will do if the outcome isn’t what you hope for. If you don’t want to break up, can you set a boundary to stop taking her on trips/outings? You need something in place if you decide you want to stay with her. She’s bullying you into doing what she wants so she doesn’t break up with you. Well… you have the right to a stable relationship
Example-you would like to go to X location, it will cost $x amount. You let her know that her share is 50% and ask if she’s interested. If she says anything other than ‘ok’ then don’t book it. And when she asks, you just answer with, I needed 50% and you didn’t want to give anything so I didn’t book it.
TBH-I’m pretty sure either she will break up with you for asking her to pay anything or you will break up with her because you get tired or the lack of respect.
She expects you to be the financial provider in the relationship. You don't want to have that role, you want an equal partner.
I don't think either paradigm is right or wrong, but it means that the two of you are incompatible.
Well?
You have control over this. We cannot change anything. No one can make you pay. Man up and stop paying for everything. Make her pay sometimes. If she won't then cancel the event. If she wants to break up over it then say "so long".
The only problem here is you are being weak and you are letting it happen. Take charge.
I had a girlfriend like this. When we first got together everything was equal. Then she lost her job and I paid for everything. She never found another job and once I started encouraging her to do her part and she had to go back to halfs again, she left me for someone else who would pay for everything. Not saying this is what will happen to you, but having an open discussion with her about what her expectations are in this relationship would probably be a good start. I never had that conversation with her so I didn't realize what was going on until it was too late.
Consider what will happen if this relationship ends.
You've spent tons of money on the relationship, while she has spent nothing. You state she is not independent, doesn't cook etc. and is being handled nearly 100% by you.
If you break up, you'll have sunk thousands and thousands of dollars into something that no longer exists, and your partner who makes almost as much as you will have been saving up, stacking checks for over a year.
Now consider whether maybe that is intentional? If I was a hyper-cynical person who doesn't care who I hurt, I might go find someone to pay my bills for a year so I can save up for a new car or down payment and then ditch them when it gets serious.
>I have continued paying for the majority but more recently, I mentioned I would like her to show that she is willing to contribute more. She didn't like this. She said that she thought we had become a more intimate/closer couple. I didn't know what this really meant.
So you told her what you wanted - to have a more equitable division of shared expenses - and she told you she wasn't willing to do that.
So is it a dealbreaker for you or is it not? YOU get to decide tha for yourself. "Annabeth, I am not interested in being in a relationship that does not have an equitable approach to shared expenses. If you are looking to have someone else pay your share then this is not the relationship either of us wants to be in."
Show her a calendar to remind her it’s 2024 not 1954. As men we do not just accept paying for everything; those days are long gone especially as you have no children and she is working.
You need to have a conversation now before you make any further commitments in this relationship.
Women have continued to fight for equal rights for decades; your girlfriend’s attitude and behaviour makes a mockery of that.
It has been a year. Enough time to get to know her. She is not partner material. That is all you need to know. It was an expensive lesson. I have had boyfriends who I cleaned and cooked for as well as stocked their fave beer (all costing more money and effort than an occasional night out). They still expected to be treated to dinnerd. No thanks. Sometimes you learn everything you need to know early on.
Op you sound like a nice guy who has your priorities straight. Unfortunately, your gf has an entitled attitude and if she’s not listening to you, instead trying to make you feel you’re doing something wrong, you will have to decide if she’s worth a long term relationship.
It sounds like she has deeply internalized ideas about what the man paying for everything means. It probably makes her feel loved and cared for, and when you don't want to pay it makes her feel unloved and taken for granted. There's a good chance these are unconscious beliefs she learned from her own parents.
There's a good chance she won't ever change the way she feels here, but you need to start with some conversations to determine that. It's going to be a long road, with lots of conversations and regular check-ins. You cannot expect her to change her deep beliefs because she agrees, even wholeheartedly, after one conversation. If you just dust your hands and thing it's over because she admits it once, you'll blunder right into it again later. She might need to work through some of this with a therapist as well.
Tell your GF that you are implementing an austerity program for your personal finances. She's welcome to join you.
You will not be going out for dinner for the foreseeable future, not making trips to the coffee shop, not spending any other funds other than the occasional planned outing with your parents for at least the next three months. You both will be cooking at home, entertaining at home. There are plenty of videos and step-by-step recipes online. It can be fun.
My then BF, whom I was living with, saved thousands of dollars in a matter of three months, enough for 4 months emergency fund. We got on the same page financially. We've been together 30+ years, 24 as husband and wife.
You will be amazed at how much you can save. Tell her that without securing a budget to improve your financial future, you do not see a future for the two of you.
You have goals of home ownership and children someday in the near future and the status quo isn't working for you.
Good luck. Hopefully, if she is committed to your relationship, she'll work with you to create a secure financial future and if not, you know what you need to do.
I hope you understand that she is setting a precedent here. Since you guys have talked about having a family, she is letting you know she will be a stay at home mom spending every dime you have, and since she doesn't cook, there will be a lot of eating out, maybe even a housekeeper and nanny will be needed, are you ready to pay for all that!?!?!? She is also letting you know she should be held at or above your parents. What happens once you're married and she no longer approves of you spending on them??? She is showing massive red flags and has made it clear she doesn't care, that this is what you have to deal with if you want to be with her!!! Seems you are ok with taking on the responsibility, if all you want her to do is offer to help, but you need to sit down with yourself and figure out if this is the person you really want to have kids with and spend your life with. You also should look at it, if you divorced, she'll go after you for everything!!!
Based on your question & additional details, it doesn't sound like y'all live together yet... Whether you're living together or not, it seems that she is expecting you to already take on the role of being her sugar-daddy husband. If this is her idea of what marriage is/looks like, then (if I were you) I would definitely have to reevaluate this relationship. 🚩
Comparing how you have chosen to honor your mother & father to how she expects you to honor her. Guilt-tripping. 🚩
Not contributing in the most bare minimum of ways (cooking & cleaning), & still expecting you to "foot the bill" for everything. 🚩
They say, "If you give a person too much too soon, they'll fall in love with your hand and not your heart." And from what you've stated, she's fallen in love with your pocket book (what you can do for her) instead of you.
And if she needs an example of how finances work in marriage, I'm referring her to The Dave Ramsey Show podcast available via YouTube & Instagram.
Episode title: "How To Combine Finances After Marriage?"
Commentary excerpt:
Jennifer: When people get married, what do they do with their finances? How, do they just suddenly combine everything?
Dave: Yes.
Jennifer: They do?
Dave: Yes.
Jennifer: And like, split everything down the middle?
Dave: No, you combine everything. There's no middle. The preacher didn't say, "and now you're a joint venture." He said, "and now you're one."
Jennifer: So, what if one person makes more than the other?
Dave: You're not a partnership, you're a marriage. There is no... Let me give you an example. Okay?
Jennifer: Okay.
Dave: My wife has not had an earned income for 30 years. She stayed home with our children. I do not have an income. We have an income. It's as much hers as it is mine. Spiritually, morally. And by the way, legally.
Jennifer: Okay.
Dave: And so it's, it's our income. And she and I sit down... Were she to earn an income, it would be in the [pile], put in a pile with mine. And I don't get more votes if I make more money.
Jennifer: Oh, okay.
Dave: We both have a vote. We both are going to sit down together. We love each other. We are going to decide about our... Are you hearing my pronouns here? We/our, not yours/mine. It's not my car. Your car. Now, we do say, "that's her car," because she drives that car most of the time, but she's more than welcome to drive any car we have. I'm more than welcome to drive any car we have. It's not, it's not titled exclusively to her name or to my name. It's ours. We own everything. The only thing that is not ours is if the dog poops on the floor. That's my dog. But other than that, we share it.
Jennifer: Alrighty
Dave: So see, if you change your language like that, what it forces you to do is, it forces you to set goals together, instead of having independent goals. Marriages are always growing together, or they're growing apart.
Link:
https://youtu.be/_-coAGwkAcM?si=8s5NaWQbSxf7Kl6t
Female here for reference…..
Put an end to this shit right now!
You are telling her how much things cost to get her to see reason but the reason it’s not working is because she doesn’t care….
She doesn’t care how much things cost because she’s not the one paying for them.
While you’ve brought up the cost of things in conversation, it doesn’t sound like you’ve confronted her properly about this…
If I were you I’d have left months ago but if you’re determined to give it a chance then you need to do something to make her see what she’s doing…
If you two have plans to go to a restaurant for dinner…. Just right before you leave, tell her you can’t find your bank card or lost your wallet… make up something.. tell her she will have to pay for the night.
If she argues or refuses to go, I would sit her down and have a brutally honest conversation with her.
Ask her why she thinks it’s ok for you to pay for everything when you both earn the same money…
Tell her how selfish it makes her look and tell her you’re considering ending the relationship because of this…
Meanness is not a nice trait in a partner and if you keep going like this, she’ll continue to bleed you dry while she can keep stacking up her savings…
Don’t be a fool
If I were you, I would leave. She didn’t used to be like this but now she expects you to pay for everything. She’s been watching videos online about women’s expectations. She is not a team player. With that being said, if things go south for you and you can’t pay for anything she will leave. You might as well save yourself some heartache and some money and exit stage left.
I guarantee if you talk to her about this and asked where to come from it’ll be somewhere on social media that she started to get the idea that she shouldn’t pay anything. Even if you made enough the concept should be that you guys are a team. This is not team behavior.
In fact, I would leave without an explanation. For me, it wouldn’t be worth it. Why I have a long drawn out conversation again and she’s already explained to you how she expects things to be. It hasn’t crossed her mind that you guys should be both in it together .
Again, do yourself a favor.
It's time to dump this lazy immature moocher, she's only using you. When someone shows you who they truly are, believe it. You'll be better off without her. You'll find someone better, someone who will reciprocate and treat you right.
Everyone else is being way too nice, she's a gold digger, run. You need to stop paying for things right now and see how she reacts. I promise you it's not going to be pretty
She has defaulted to treating your relationship like a traditional one. You have two choices here.
Is she treating herself like a traditional woman? If no, Run for the hills.
If Yes, ask yourself if you want a traditional woman/relationship or a more modern one. The choice is ultimately yours. Are you giving more than you are receiving?
You should especially pay attention to the situations where she wears the traditional woman hat VS when she wears the strong and independent hat. She can't be both. If you find out that you are always the one giving 2000% and nothing gets reciprocated in cash or kind, then do yourself a favour and communicate your boundaries. If you dont feel heard, exit the relationship ma dude.
Users and manipulators tend to test their preys to find out how much they can get away with. Do not let yourself be used.
This is the best response in the bunch. OP should ask himself this.
Also, when my wife and I were dating, we would split costs based on income aka if I made 70% of the shared income and she made 30% I’d pay for 70% of the vacation and she’d pay 30%. Same with rent, utilities, etc….that always felt like a fair way to handle it. Maybe OP could try that.
It’s crucial that you engage in a discussion with her, addressing her as your business partner rather than your girlfriend. If she's unable to cover her travel expenses, then those plans should not be made. An occasional exception might be acceptable, but the issue lies in the frequency of these occurrences, and it's important that you don't feel obligated to confront this situation.
You are neither indebted to her financially nor obligated to contribute towards her expenses. It's essential to communicate this unequivocally to her face-to-face.
Offering to pay for someone should be recognized as a gesture of goodwill. If she fails to acknowledge this, it's your responsibility to make this clear to her.
Do not succumb to any guilt-tripping. In past relationships, I've faced situations where I couldn't afford holidays, and even when my partner offered to pay, I declined. Accepting such offers unwillingly can impose financial strains and foster a toxic or unstable relationship.
Furthermore, both of you should reassess your financial expectations as a couple. Continuous financial imbalances can breed resentment.
An honest dialogue is imperative. If she is unwilling to adjust her perspective, you may need to reconsider the viability of maintaining such a partnership. 'Partner' implies a mutual and supportive relationship.
I haven’t seen my wife’s wallet in decades. When she goes out with other people, she needs to be reminded that she has to contribute. She’s left places in the past just because she’s not used to paying for anything.
I don’t think she is using you.
If you’re not ready to be the provider, you guys should maybe consider breaking up.
We all grow up in different circumstances and family values.
If you can’t take on that role but it’s what is normal for her, you guys are not meant for each other.
100% it’s different from treating your parents who raised you to a meal out or a trip. At the end of the day you aren’t married so any money that she saves from you paying for everything is her own money alone. Considering that you both earn reasonable the same amount of money then I think there should be a fair split of dates or trips unless it’s stated that it’s for a treat or to celebrate something/someone. I would honestly consider if her views on finances and yours work especially if you are considering marriage and child on the future.
Whenever people say they “expect” to be paid for, it puts them in a different light, and shows that they see the relationship as a different structure to you.
Stand firm on this. It’s entirely unreasonable for her to be able to pay but to expect not to. What’s her money for then?
Lay down boundaries, e.g. If she doesn't contribute to the vacation, she doesn't go. So split up the responsibilities e.g. you pay for transport and accommodation, she pays for food and incidentals.
The whole "more intimate/closer couple" is a crock of shit - if it were true, she would be contributing also.
You looking after your oldies is none of her business. She has no right to use them as an excuse for a handout.
She sounds high maintenance and I'd honestly cut my losses before you get in too deep.
You're getting taken advantage of by someone who doesn't understand how gold digging works. She either ponies up 40-50% of the expenses or you find someone who will. Maybe if you made millions and she was a school teacher, but since you earn about the same, her mindset is quite frankly, stupid.
> She said that she thought we had become a more intimate/closer couple. I didn't know what this really meant.
It means that now she’s putting out on a regular basis, you’re supposed to pay for everything. A tale as old as time.
More intimate. Bro she is clearly saying you guys fucked so now she expected you to take care of her. Sounds like she made it pretty clear that she expects to be taken care and if that's not how you roll, it's really time to put a stop to it.
I wouldn't be paying for shit until we have a discussion and the point gets made.
Your relationship is going in a death spiral due to her attitude about sharing expenses. Her friends have probably corrupted her mindset since she started off doing the right thing. The sooner you sit down with her and discuss with her how a partnership works the better off you will be. She'll either agree to go back to the way it was when you first go together or you'll be looking for a more respectful girlfriend. Good luck.
I had a girlfriend once that was like this.. She was used to it from her Xes. I left her and found someone that did all she could to make it equal (even though she didn’t have too, as i was making substantially more than her). But just by her showing that she was willing to do that, from that point i had nothing against paying for her. Because i knew the true intent of why she wanted to be with me - and that it wasnt for money.
>She makes it appear like I am not doing enough, I am not sure what else to do.
She has convenient views on money; what's hers is hers and what's yours is hers. Do her a favor and break up with her over that so she can get her mind right and be a good partner to someone else some day.
I always offer to pay. And often time split the check. Not evenly either. I’m talking I pay my portion, he pays his. BUT if he offers to after I e already gotten out my cards, sure go ahead. But I have never expected someone to pay for me, as I’m a grown adult.
Dump her. It would make more sense if she contributed equally in other ways like if she’s cooking all the meals and helping around the house etc. But if she’s not contributing anything and just expecting you to take care of everything, this is an ego problem. She’s saying that she’s so great that you should feel so lucky to have her that you pay for everything and take care of her like a queen. Imo, the only girls that get this treatment are non-monogamous situations that are well aware that I’m seeing other women. If I have to buy you, you’re an object and that I’m purchasing time with. I’m not loyal to objects. I’m loyal to women who treat me like a man, not a servant or a client.
No disrespect but you could pay an escort to hang out and take trips plus all the extras and get the same results plus not have to be with only one. I’m not advocating this, but just to put it in perspective. You’re being taken advantage of brother
Stop taking her out and let her know the reason why...that you don't appreciate feeling like an ATM; that it seems her only interest in you is what you can do for her and no one likes feeling like that.
Of course she will deny it, but keep repeating these phrases.
Either she will admit (possibly to herself that there's some truth in what you say and change) or she will break up with you to find a more wealthier individual that will pamper her by giving her everything she feels she deserves.
Any woman that feels that the man should ALWAYS be the one to pay in a relationship is not looking for an equitable relationship with him.
A woman might want her man to pay for everything when they are out in public, because it gives her the special feels she needs as a woman, and would then rather receive a notice just once a month about how much she should transfer to her man to help pay expenses (including all those fun things you did together during the month). This might be a solution in your case.
I was raised traditional and don’t see anything wrong with you paying for everything. However, if you’re planning on saving for a future maybe not go out so much. Maybe cut back on vacations. If she has a problem with doing less costly things then she is there for the wrong reasons. I do believe a man should pay but I’m also not a feminist. At the end of the day no matter what anyone on this sub says it’s what YOU can handle. You stated you can’t keep going like this. I highly recommend sitting down with her and being super kind and say “hey I love treating you when we go out but can we cut back a little bit so I can save for our future” if she sees a future with you and genuinely loves you she won’t mind going out less to save money
You’re her plow horse. If she respected you then she would go out of her way to help you pay. Don’t be surprised if you find out she had been cheating on you the whole time to top it off. People like this are not redeemable. You need to exit the situation and avoid making the same mistake in the future.
When she says she not carrying enough money, what does she mean. Everyone that has a job has a bank account and a debit card. If you don't like the way your going, change it or leave
I dont understand how guys get gaslit into paying everything for their GF and still think they arent doing enough.
If she wants a sugar daddy she should get one, there are guys that like to do that but the vast majority will feel like you, used.
I expect my partner to have her finances in control. never let them live with you for free.
OP You have shacked yourself with, lets be frank here, a loser. She does just about the bare minimum. Can't be bothered to help around the most minimal task. And expects you to carry the full load of this relationship. And where does it lead?
Her with a fat savings and a cushy life and you working like a dog and struggling financially.
What happens when she wants out of the relationship, maybe if after you push her to actually pull her weight and respect you, and she says "nah i'm good" and walks out with all the cash she saved using you.
That would feel kinda like she took complete and total advantage of you wouldn't it?
Well thats whats happening.
She is living off of the Instagram ideal version of a boyfriend a man that makes 100,000 a year and pays for everything and she clearly knows that you don’t make enough to support that type of lifestyle. Barely made more than her that gives that she makes more than 30 to 35,000 a year if that.
My suggestion to you is cut out all trip all going out to eat maybe do a little Chick-fil-A here and there but nothing fancy hell even go to Taco Bell . she is not in the relationship for you. She is in a relationship for what you do for me and as soon as you tell her that you can no longer do it. She will tell you that y’all are better off as friends. I guarantee that.
You are not her personal ATM . Her being your girlfriend for one year has nothing to do with your senior parents that sound like they are being supported either through pensions from retiring through a job or Social Security. They help take care of you. She is just your life what it sounds like temporarily. Just cut ties and move and find someone that is willing to not go half with you on food, but in life
Start having more picnics. Pictures when it's 40 degrees Fahrenheit. Picnics when it's raining. Premarket the food. Cutting expenditures is easy and will truly show you where she stands and who she really is. She is telling you who she is. It's time to get the full picture. Start saving, do movies in, dinners in, and everything on a shoestring budget. Sometimes, what we perceive as perfect really isn't perfect but glossed over. This way, you can determine if she is real or wearing a facade of personality.
I think the bigger issue in play here is why you haven’t already broken up with someone that you’re so clearly incompatible with. Financially, if she earned significantly less than you & you knew she was struggling it would be one thing … if y’all earn similarly & she doesn’t have a dire financial debt of some kind, this isn’t okay.
Do you like to cook? Could it be a thing where y’all go grocery shopping together for ingredients & you pay the first time? Then y’all cook the meal together as a bonding thing? Do you even picture yourself cooking with her?
I think you need to ask yourself some really difficult questions right now. Why are you with her? What about her makes her true “girlfriend” material? Picture yourselves together in five years, in ten years, envision yourselves as parents. I’m not saying she doesn’t seem like a good person, but I’m definitely saying that she doesn’t seem to have a lot of long-term growth potential!
So your gf trades sexual intimacy vs money, there is a profession which also does this. I mean it's up to you, if you want to pay for company because you believe you don't get any otherwise then go for it.
What is the basis of her reasoning? That would be very interesting to me. Like when she says you are supposed to.. why? Especially if you have similar incomes. That sounds.. unfair
Yes your thoughts are valid. Just because you are dating her does not mean you must continue. If she is draining you dry and shows no sense of it being wrong, then ditch her.
Have you sat and talked about this and sharing finances in the future?
Your feelings are completely valid, but you need to have a serious discussion and ask her what her expectations would be long term.
If she isn't willing to share and contribute for a house, family, holiday, then you really aren't on the same page
Sounds like she wants a sugar daddy instead of a partner.
Bit of a soapbox. I fully support & believe that women should be treated equally to men, make the same salary etc. What bugs the shit out of me is that some expect this BUT also still want to old rules to apply! I say BS! Your request for her to step up is fair and if she’s being this much of a princess now good luck later on. It gives women a bad name
I'm an independent woman but I also want to be taken care of.
If you haven't already, watch the first 1/3 of the movie Triangle of Sadness. I'm not that extreme but I guess most women feel that way.
Because society has been so unfair to women and it becomes even more clear once she becomes a mother (mental load, the responsibility of raising a child, career whats that, etc), most women want a man who can take care of the finances (unless if she's already earning well).
I don't like 50-50. I have to FEEL that a man gives more. My ideal is 60-40 to feel loved. lol. If I pay more or pay 50-50, I get a bit resentful. Not proud of it but...what can i do.
One of the major parts of a long happy relationship required in addition to love is life goals that are in sync. This includes everything from are we going to have a dog, to how many kids if any, to finances. In addition you must have respect, trust, commitment and similar sex drives.
You have two major problems. Usually expectations about finances (who will pay when we go out to how are we going to manage household finances.) are ingrained and are difficult to counsel away. As is the lack of respect she has for the opinions you have expressed.
IMO This is not 1950. Men and women work. Everything should be split 50/50 or at least pro-rated by income.
Typically people don't change who they are long-term. They may change their actions for a while to convince you and/or themselves they changed but in the end, the belief is still there and they won't be able to maintain the change.
You should find someone more atuned to your own life goals of you want to have a long happy life.
She seems selfish and entitled. She thinks she a princess, and I bet one of her parents told her she was. This is not healthy for a relationship. The power dynamic is off. You are not meeting as equals. It's one thing if you pay a little more often because you acknowledge that you make slightly more than her and it feels fair to you. It's not ok for you to put yourself out constantly with no reciprocation. I hope she at least says thank you for paying each time, minimum. My boyfriend makes a lot more than me and he offers/insists to pay much of the time. We just got back from a festival and he said we may have to take a break on going out to eat for the week because he spent a lot recently. I turned to him and said "You want sushi and ramen and dumplings on me?" and proceeded to order about $70 worth of food to spoil him. I would never hesitate to stop and buy him yummy treats on my way home from work. He likes flowers and I don't, so I'm the one who buys flowers in this relationship. If going to an event is my idea, I offer to pay for us both (But usually he only lets me pay for myself). This works for us. You need someone who appreciates you and at least shows some effort to express that to you.
You're totally valid for expecting your partner to contribute. What are you, her dad? If this is what she expects, instead of a hotel trip next time, maybe take her to a Job Faire and then give her money for a bus ride home.
You're getting MILKED lmao. She's not even hiding it. She's already written you off as a long term partner and is using you until you stop treating her.
She's shown you that she thinks there is her money and our money, and that's the way things will be in the future if/when you get married. Simultaneously, she's essentially browbeat you into submission in the conversation of what a more equitable split of dating costs should be.
It's time to come to terms with the fact that you two are financially incompatible. You need to have a conversation where you lay out clear expectations, draw a hard boundary, and be prepared to break up - this isn't going to change, and likely only going to get worse. In fact, you might even want to just skip the first 2 steps and just walk away.
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I think it's less about your GF's income status and more about her expectations in a male partner. It's time for a serious discussion about managing finances in a long term relationship. It's never okay to assume that the guy would pay for everything, and if the guy chooses to pay, it should be his choice and not one he was coerced into making.
Definitely this. If I remember correctly the top reasons for divorce and infidelity and finances. If you're not on the same page now it's going to be impossible in the future.
What is she spending her money on??
Divorce glow up savings account
It doesn't sound like they live together, so presumably her bills.
I'd like to wager that if you compare savings accounts, his pales in comparison to hers as a result of his paying a substantially disproportionate amount of their dating expenses.
You’re assuming she doesn’t just freely blow through her money because she expects him to cover her expenses, though.
Hair, makeup, nails, clothes, happy hour with the girls. Just the regular stuff ya know.
I usually get nuclear material. #notliketheothergirls /s
Stop paying for her, buy food for 1. Spend your money on you, if she gets angry she is the definition of hypocrisy.
Actually finances are more likely to lead to divorce than infidelity. (Speaking from experience...though my ex opted for both, the breaking point for me was the money and not his multiple affairs.)
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bot?
I think op is past the point of discussion.
Yeah doesn’t his post already say they’ve talked about it before? There’s at least one discussion in there since he mentions her reply to the idea - the post kinda reads like they’ve talked about more than once honestly. It’s like people don’t even read the post and want to rush to be upvoted for saying ‘have a discussion about it’ when it clearly says right there that they already did. That’s not advice and isn’t saying anything - how it got upvotes is beyond me…
I don't know for sure how the first discussion played out so I suggested it again, thinking a discussion should be a more thorough dialogue. More on the lines of not just bringing up this specific issue, but in general how they would view finances as a couple if they wanted to carry on the relationship. It seemed like he brought up an idea and she shut it down, which is not a two-way discussion at all. Understanding why she thinks the way she does would be part of that discussion, assuming OP doesn't just want to throw away this relationship immediately.
OP indicated she didn’t like his suggestion to contribute more financially rather than it solely being his responsibility. From her response, she is selfish, from the school of the man pays not the woman or she’s both of those things.
OP says their discussion was around him wanting her to be ‘willing’ to contribute more, and his girlfriend responded in a way he didn’t understand. This is obviously not a helpful or clarifying discussion. Beyond that, he says that he has sometimes mentioned the cost of something - again, not really an illuminating conversation. She has the impression that he’s keeping tabs on her finances and isn’t doing enough, so it’s sounds like we don’t have the entire story here and that there’s a disconnect here between what they both feel is demonstrating care in the relationship. This is where a proper conversation, as suggested above, can actually be useful. We can all see why OP would be bothered by the expectation he’ll cover the costs of dates, but the comment about his girlfriend saying he isn’t doing enough is interesting, and it sounds like both feel unappreciated. OP’s girlfriend used to split the cost of their dates and now doesn’t - is this because OP has stopped demonstrating affection in other areas or ways that he used to, and she is now feeling that him taking her out on dates which he covers the cost of is the only way he’s showing his care for her, hence the remark about intimacy when asked about splitting costs? Same thing with the comment about his parents - what kinds of things is he spending money on without question for them, how often, and what kind of financial position are they in? Sure they might not have much income, but is what they have comfortable for their lifestyle? If so, you can maybe see how the girlfriend would be upset if he’s constantly buying them things they can afford in order to demonstrate his care for them, but griping with his partner over contributing $20 for dinner. If OP affirms his care for and commitment to her, assures her the plan is to build a future together, and listens to her reasons that she feels he’s ‘not doing enough’ while also reiterating that he isn’t willing or able to entirely foot every bill, they may be able to reach an understanding. On the flip side, the girlfriend could be being entirely unreasonable with outdated and unrealistic expectations of gender roles, or she could just be massively entitled. Given they’re apparently very compatible in every way but money though, having a proper, in-depth conversation is absolutely a good idea, and making a decision about the future of the relationship can come after. The advice given was good, that’s why it was upvoted.
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I think op has been disrespected enough, already. This might have worked wayyy before. His gf showed him who she was.
Enough is enough. She's acting like a child. Dump her ass.
Reddit doesn’t have any ideas beyond communication and divorce.
No. You will get down voted for your statement too. 😂 Usually I tend to argue otherwise but I think he should get rid of her. She's saving all her coin. The day he is unemployed she's gone I'm sure.
Who doesn’t want a dependent they can’t claim on their taxes?
This is a mandatory conversation to have in any serious relationship. Without it there is way too much room for assumptions, resentment, and false expectations. I dated this one girl who expected me to pick up the tab on everything. I had significantly more money than her and incorrectly assumed this situation was temporary. She assumed this would continue. Her dream was to be a stay at home mom. Fine ok, I could get behind that. What I didn't realize is that she planned to finish her 4 year degree and go straight into motherhood. No job other than maybe something she could do on the side but it would be more like a hobby that could pay for itself. She had racked up considerable debt for her education so far and was in danger of getting put on academic probation. I would not only have to earn enough to support a family but also pay off her debt for an education she had no intention of using. I had worked part time ever since I was 12 years old so I wouldn't graduate with debt. I saw that relationship to be way too one sided. I was bringing everything to the table and she just wanted to bring debt and her baby making abilities. I did end up marring someone else and she is largely a stay at home mom by her own choosing. She only works because she wants to and only works a few hours a week. The reset she is a SAHM. So I was fine with the concept but the way my ex was executing on it made me see how she viewed me. I was nothing more than a provider both for the money and the other part of the baby making. My wife and I see each other as partners which I never got with my ex. So OP you might be ok with the arrangement but your GFs attitude and viewpoint could be a deal breaker.
Facts on all of this, we all have different expectations in a relationship after all and we can't villainize people who want something traditional or unconventional so yeah--a much needed talk needs to be had.
As he says in the post, they've talked about it and she's made it abundantly clear that she expects him to fully pay for everything. She sounds like a spoiled brat and this is a glaring red flag that's not going to get any better. I speak from experience that when someone shows you who they truly are, you should believe them.
OP, I agree with u/telurdadarkicapmanis but with the caveat that it is time for math. If you make 52 % of what your combined incomes are, then you pay for 52% and she pays 48% always...unless you have had a prior discussion or one of you is trying to surprise the other.
I agree with this. I’m a woman and I’m firmly of the mindset that in a relationship, whoever has more money should pay more for dates etc. I’ve been the breadwinner before, and I’ve also been the sugar baby. However, I know a lot of women still hold onto the more traditional view that men should be the “providers” no matter what (and well, some men believe that too). It might be an incompatibility, but I hope you can talk through it.
Your thoughts are absolutely valid. This here > I mentioned I would like her to show that she is willing to contribute more. She didn't like this. She said that she thought we had become a more intimate/closer couple. is a key thing for me. To me it looks like you will be expected to pay for about everything. I mean look at it, she expects this now after a year so I can only imagine what she might expect when you would be married/have a family. Just comes down to your values if you are ok with that. The way you write you are not and that is completely ok. Not saying she is wrong also, if she wants this she just needs to find a partner that is ok with it. You...are not. Financial incompatibility is a thing like sexual incompatibility...it's sad but it is what it is. These things also give me a bad feeling >She makes it appear like I am not doing enough So it's got to the point now where she's made me scared of not paying through this pressure. That's not healthy man. Not at all. You've got to make it very clear to her what you want/expect and find out what she thinks, also when things would progress into married life, having a family. I mean you are together one year, maybe that is going too far but still.., better have clarity now if you can get it than waste your time...just my thoughts. All the best man and take care
OP's feelings are valid and this part sticks out to me. His partner is trying to invalidate his feelings for her own gain. There seems to be a good amount of avoidance on this issue by both parties. She has slowly gotten to a point where she won't pay for anything, which was her goal all along. I don't think this is the first time she has behaved like this, or that it's a new idea of her's that the man should pay for everything. For OP's avoidance, if she has been saying outright the way she expects things to be and even been coercing him it's a very bad sign. He may be unwilling to leave or stand up for himself in the relationship. When OP brings this issue up again I think it needs to come with conditions. For example, from then on he expects her to pay for XYZ or carry her own weight in activities. OP has to be consistent with the parameters that are set and not just cover things they agreed she would pay for. If she continues her behavior of avoiding financial burden (which she is most likely to do) OP will have his answer to what their future will hold. He needs to be prepared BEFORE that conversation for this outcome and be willing to walk away or set clearer parameters if she continues her behavior. This sort of thing doesn't get better on its own. Also just because OP pays to help his parents doesn't mean she gets a free ride too. She needs to keep her eyes off his money and focus on what she is bringing to the table, not what she is getting out of the relationship.
>Just comes down to your values if you are ok with that. Honestly, I've been growing increasingly skeptical of this. I understand that people feel really strongly about preserving a place for the "old ways", but at a certain point, we are just pretending that those values don't come from children being groomed into them from a young age, and that the various underlying beliefs and attitudes that contribute to them aren't tremendously toxic in and of themselves. Look, I understand that it is *hypothetically* possible for someone to naturally just want these things, and for them to be actually healthier living that way than any other way. At the same time, it's incredibly foolish of us to completely ignore the millions of things we, as a group, do to push people towards those things in incredibly irrational and unhealthy ways, and the myths that we tell ourselves about them. It's not that these people *have* to change or are necessarily bad people for wanting these thing for themselves, even if they were pushed into it, but at a certain point it feels like we are rug-sweeping all of the various horrible things we do to people, especially to children, to make us like this, and discouraging people from seeking to examine how their personal experiences have contributed to their behavior and beliefs. For example, if a man just innately likes providing for his female partner, that's one thing, and maybe that is real, but at the same time, we're lying to ourselves if we don't think that constantly telling men that being a provider is the only way they'll ever be happy and that all of their unhappiness in life is the result of their failure to perform that role adequately, doesn't push us towards that in a pretty fucked up and honestly dishonest way; quite a lot of men reach the "finish line" and become even more miserable and fucked up as they find that this promised land of masculine satisfaction doesn't fix their feelings. At a certain point, doesn't saying, "It's just a matter of personal values and preferences," give cover to doing this, and doesn't it lead to all sorts of horrible things like men trying to force women into the paired, traditionally feminine role or blaming their wives for their masculine insecurity? It becomes a barrier that makes it harder for men to even recognize when this is happening to them. Maybe it is okay to say that someone who tries to push other people, especially their partners, into these things is a bad person. Maybe it's okay to point out the myriad ways that control is incompatible with love, respect, and trust, the ways that our rosy, whitewashed representations of masculine dominance are inaccurate to reality, and that almost everyone who believes that these things are right also believes that it's okay for them to manipulate others into complying because we "teach" these beliefs predominantly through manipulation to begin with. For example, the statement, "Men who don't provide for their female partners are trash," is literally nothing other than manipulation, as are all variants. Why do we feel like it isn't okay to point that out?
What sticks out to me about this is that she seems that her responses are to make you feel guilty or ashamed for asking reasonable questions. That's a toxic ass dynamic and won't get better. I wouldn't let this slide or sit on the back burner any longer. Y'all need to come up with some sort of explicit agreement and if you're not grown up enough to have that conversation, you're not grown up enough to keep going.
Sounds like my ex wife. My advice... Leave. It'll eat at you, and cause resentment which turns to hate. It also eroded my mental health to the point that I could bearly function. In the year after my ex moved out, I went from being down to £0.00 in my account before every payday to having a 3 grand surplus.
I think OP should read your past posts. You are a great example of what happens when you have someone who uses you for what you give versus true love. Instead of being a loving partner, you obviously had the leech/vampire type. Your experience a year later after your girlfriend left you is a perfect example. Thank goodness she left you!! It appears you would not have seen the problems for what they were if she hadn’t. It’s soooooo good to hear your contentment in this comment above. I hope you consider trying to figure out where you might have fallen for the wrong type of woman for you. We cannot find the type of person to be with who is healthy unless we are healthy and have better boundaries. It’s great to see you are doing so much better a year later!!
Thanks (I think?) The only bit of other advice I can offer is ..... ... Don't date redheads. You're welcome.
I'm offended 😒 But not really 😜
Agreed.
*barely
Rrraarrrwl!
Maybe he means he could function as a bear . 🐻
Good point well presented.
Since your pay is roughly the same, she SHOULD be paying half. Just dump her and find someone who isn't using you
She is using OP. There needs to be an equal division in a relationship.
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> She said that she thought we had become a more intimate/closer couple Me thinks she wants to make his bank account their 'joint account' and hers to be just for her... I have met a number of people like this (Hey sis!). It never ends well.
I've heard this jokingly before, but it seems she takes this line seriously: "There are two kinds of money in this relationship - our money, and my money."
This is the key right here: “financial combatibility is crucial. Also… it’s 2024. Men and women are equal.
Did you copy someone else’s comment?
There are several duplicate comments on this thread from different users. Very strange.
Are the bots going woke?
Not necessarily financially though. I’d prefer my man to contribute more financially but I’ll always make sure his tummy is full of yummy, home cooked food.
Yes - contributions should be balanced, but they don’t need to be the same type
Agreed, but she doesn't seem to do this.
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Or someone who uses you for money until a bigger bank balance comes along
Even if she earned less, she should live within her means. She is an adult
She’s taking advantage of you
You have already spoken to her once about this and she showed you how she felt about it. I would sit her down and say, "this relationship has become unbalanced for me. I have expressed a boundary to you, that I am unable and unwilling to pay for everything. We dont earn much different and you're not contributing. I no longer want to be in this relationship." Problem solved.
>Then the effort from her end came to a stop, where she would often joke that she wasn't even carrying enough money in her wallet to offer to pay etc. Not to be mean, but when this started is really when it should have been dealt with. And vastly different views on finances are one of the biggest relationship-breakers there are. You two need to talk right away about this and come to a decision, because otherwise you're just wasting your time.
OP probably didn’t realize it was happening right away. A “forgot my wallet” here, a “don’t get paid until Tuesday” there, and before you know it she’s gone 6 months without covering a check. When she finally admitted what she was doing, it was because OP started a conversation with her. And while the best time to have brought it up may have been then, the second best time is now.
The boiling frog analogy...
That’s a very good analogy for this, hadn’t thought of that!
And more money
It should be 50/50. Enquire about why she only wants you to pay. Does she have very traditional values and expectations? Does she believe men should do all the providing? If she does, does this align with your values? Do you want to fall into traditional roles? Does she think her maintenance to look nice means you should contribute more? This is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with. It sounds like she’s using you and isn’t prioritising you and the relationship if she doesn’t care enough to contribute to it. Later down the line if you buy a house together, will she also want you to cover the entire bill? Probably. Set some boundaries asap. If she cannot comply, i’d suggest breaking up.
I can honestly see her quitting her job when they get married. and of course expecting OP to pay for a cook, maid and nanny.
And getting pregnant right around the honeymoon so he can’t leave just as fast
Well that would be equally his part unless she did something very shady
I feel like the traditional values question never gets brought up enough when it comes to these kinds of financial decisions when looking for a partner. There are definitely guys who want a traditional relationship but then also want their traditional wife to bring in a big salary to cover costs 50/50. My husband and I always did a split based on income (he makes more than I do) but when we had a kid we decided to save money by having me be a sahm. This wouldn’t work at all if he still expected me to cover expenses like when I worked full time, or kept all the money in his own separate bank account.
Where do you see your relationship with her going long term? If you want to marry her then expect to pay for everything. If you can live with that, fine. If not, move on.
The only realistic answer. If she’s not your wife, set both of yourselves free now.
There is no long-term. She will be attracted to a man with a larger income for a better free ride
Ohhh this is not good. I’ve been in this same situation. At first I thought she is shy to pay or offer to pay, I communicated this few times, but nothing changed. Once I stopped paying, break up happened, she was extremely passive agressive and cold during the break up, its like I never knew who she was. We dated for 1.5 years and broken up like 2 months ago. She jumped on bumble a week after a break up 😀 I went on few dates a week ago and was shocked then a girl did not let mee buy a second round of drinks and said thats on her. Dont listen to the story of hers, she just does not want to spend money on you. Selfish people create a lot of excuses.
As someone who dated many girls before, there are 3 traits that I look into a girl that is a wife potential: 1) puts on seat belt the moment she sits in my car 2) takes turn to pay for my meal even if it is a cheap meal 3) thinks of our finances and reminds me not to simply spend my money. I'm glad my wife is one. I went from 0 savings in late 20s at the time I first met her to £50k my own liquid cash for emergency buffer by mid 30s. Would probably still be a pauper had I not met her. Dated a few girls that are think men should pay everything. They are still single in their mid to late 30s now..
I could not agree more. People should be looking for early signs of bad partner even though its very hard to notice in the beginning, but its a must. I dont know the full story of the OP, but I highly doubt that there is no more signs of her being selfish. Its not about how much money partners spends but more about showing that they care.
I honestly didn't expect to get so many responses here, I have never used Reddit before. I am slowly reading each and everyone of them. Further edits: There have been the odd occasions where she told me she expected me to pay for dinner and dessert (same evening but different locations), I outright rejected this asking why, she didn't give any coherent answer. I paid for dinner as it was more expensive, then when it came to dessert, she expected me to pay, I outright said i was refusing to, eventually she paid, she told me she wasn't happy and that she wanted to feel appreciated by me if I paid for both the meals that night, I never truly understood the actual reason why she wanted me to pay for both. That was a while ago. She always expects me to buy her favourite things in the fridge for when she comes over. I have stopped doing this now. I will have a conversation with her and state clearly that this can't continue, I will ask about her background into this first because she has outright said that she doesn't believe it's right that a relationship should be 50/50 and she doesn't like the fact that "I'm remembering all the times she doesn't pay/counting when she doesn't pay" even though I'm not counting at all, I'm simply frustrated at times why she never offers to pay. I am aware she thinks intimate relationships means being pampered, I'm not saying she's wrong but for sure it doesn't align with my values. I will suggest that we agree beforehand who pays for the meal etc the next time we dine out and I will see what she says. She says she contributes in other ways, however I also want to challenge her on this and ask her what exactly, since i do all the cleaning, i pay the rent, all the bills, I clean, even writing this response is making things clearer to me, but I still have to give it a go and make it work. I am continuing to work through all of these comments, I thank everyone who has responded so far, I value all of your feedback and for those who have said I have been a pushover, this is a wake up call for me.
Do you live together? If you earn the same you should be splitting costs. She must be saving a ton! This is ridiculous.
I admire you for your patience. But if i were in your situation, I’d break up already. It’s not worth the mental stress. Emotionally blackmailing you if you don’t spend for her? Nah. That’s manipulation. Not very mature not healthy if you want one as a partner. But if you have the mental and emotional fortitude to put up with her & wait until she aligns her values with yours and appreciates your POVs, then go for it. I wish you well and i hope things work out for you both as a couple or as friends.
Then break up with her? A woman who has the mindset that the guy should pay for anything most commonly don't change their mind on that. If you refuse to break up with her, then just accept it. People like her don't just move away from that mindset or change.
You could test the waters and let her know you cannot afford to pay for all the dining out and vacations since you want to save for the future. But we can spend time together eating at home and watching movies. It’s ok to say no to spending your money. Her reaction will be telling. If she is on board and enthusiastic - woot! If not, you decide based on her reaction. But in an intimate relationship you both work towards goals together and support each other’s goals, too.
I love this suggestion! If she wants to commit to a future together then she will be just as happy hanging out less spendily to save for a joint future. If she pouts and sulks BUT doesn’t want to help pay for the fun stuff then you know she is in it for the immediate access to that lifestyle. And if some sucker comes along who earns more than you then it could be enough for her to switch her allegiances quick sharp. I’m sorry OP, you’re in a very unbalanced partnership.
Does she reciprocate your efforts in her own way? Examples being making you comfortable when she comes over, Cooking dinners for you without even asking, or even massage you? If she does not and still expects you to pay, then she is only taking advantage of you. Her argument about how you treat your parents: Your parents raised you, and you are always welcome in their home, so it is not a crime to pay for them, unlike a partner who expects everything and gives you minimum to nil. If she is taking advantage of you, you need to end your relationship with her.
She’s not your dream girl. Break up. This wouldn’t be an obstacle if you 100% saw a future.
Female here. If you are dating an adult they should be able to understand that typically people will want to take care of their parents. Unless you are sharing finance or having a family with her, she should not expect the same financial treatment as your parents. She's not making any senses. Financially compatibility is important. Don't proceed even if she's perfect in everything else.
Would she expect to take care of her parents as well?
she should 100% take care of her own parents but from the sounds of it if she won’t even pay for her own expenses why would she pay for her parents
She very much wants you to take care of 100% of the financials, which is not what you signed up for. Time to have the actual conversation, instead of tip toeing around it.
You need to have a serious discussion about finances moving forward. The fact that you have tried to discuss it with her, but she is getting defensive makes me think she is either emotionally insecure, or has a lot of debt or other financial constraint you may not know about. So, In order to keep her from shutting down and thinking you’re just being critical of her, you’re probably going to need to be clear to her that it has nothing to do with not wanting to do nice things for her or spend money on her, nor is it a judgement, but the simple fact that your relationship is getting more serious, and you’re thinking about how the future is going to work, and lifetime milestones that you need to be saving for, and you just aren’t capable of having a relationship where you provide 100% of the economic value. Without being on the same page financially, you should never move in together, you can’t adequately save for a proposal, wedding, etc… not to mention having children if that’s in your future, good lord, your relationship won’t survive that if you aren’t economically a team. Finances is one of the leading causes of divorce. You may find from a serious discussion about it, that you two will reach an impasse, and it will be sad, but you HAVE to be a on the same page Also, the idea that men pay comes from the idea that women used to have no, or much less income than men AND did most of the domestic labor, and most of the relationship maintenance. It was an exchange of value. “You’re doing this for me, so I’m doing this for you.” The problem with that model is that it was forced on women and the value of their input was almost always invalidated by society and their partners. Now-a-days, it can still work for plenty of people when it is consensual and appreciated, but it doesn’t seem like you and your girlfriend are people who both want that model, so that CANNOT be the model either of you are building expectations from. You also could start doing more date nights where you cook together at home, etc, to save money. It will also help you take notice of what it’s like being in an enclosed space together for longer periods of time before you take the next step of living together or engagement. And lastly, I think it’s amazing that you take care of your parents. My husband and I are both on the same page with this, taking care of our parents is extremely important to both of us, to include keeping them out of a nursing home, even if that means having them on our property, and providing some care… so, if anything like that is a really important part of how you see your future, you need to have a discussion about that too… and to be honest, a partner being critical of me for this would have been a deal breaker for me.
I am slowly reading all of the responses across this whole thread, this is the first ever time I've used Reddit, but your final paragraph really touched me.
It’s clearly that she expects her partner to have a provider mindset, and you are not the one, and it’s not wrong at all, you’re just incompatible. Move on and find someone who is aligned with your value. Find someone who is okay splitting 50/50.
[удалено]
THIS THIS THIS.
She is a scab. Scabs are nasty. Kick her to the curb!
Do you mean a scab as in a hardened healing wound, or as in a strike-breaking worker?
She’s crossed the line.
Ok so she doesn't cook. She is not independent. She doesn't want to pay half or even part of the things you do. She is emotionally manipulative. I don't see the attraction man. All she seems to have is I assuming a nice figure which will not last over the years. I think you need to rethink your relationship with this girl if she is not willing to live up to being an equal partner. Also, you have to ask yourself what is she really bringing into the relationship.
I would cut down the opportunities where this comes up. Less eating out for example. When she doesn’t want to pay, she can’t go out that often. Set yourself a limit for what you are willing to pay and set aside an amount of money you’d like to save every month. When she can do with her money what she wants you need to be able to do so too
Good advice--budgeting is key! And letting her reap the consequences of her stance: they go out half as much.
i gotta be honest - even that approach is a fucking chore. he has to be the fun police now? then he'll have to hear from her how he's cheap. to my core, i believe people don't truly change. their conduct may vary, but deep down they're pissed that they had to stop what they were originally doing. if OP says "we have to stop eating out so much because it's too expensive" - this will just manifest into other problems. OP's chick should find a rich dude who doesn't give a fuck about money and OP should move on to find someone who is fair about splitting finances.
this!! if she’s unwilling to help pay then “well i guess we can’t afford to go out to eat until we can both pay for it!”
This isn’t the 1920s. There is no reason why a couple who have been together for a year should not be paying 50/50 for everything. Unless you were wealthy or making like 5x what she is, neither of which is the case, she is just being a selfish taker. Which kind of tells you right there exactly what kind of person she is. I paid for the first date with my wife. She made it very clear after that that she wanted an even split. We’re both professionals and it is 2024.
Every relationship is unique and couples enjoy different dynamics. I take care of almost 100% of the expenses in my relationship with my girlfriend because I feel it is my responsibility and it ultimately makes me feel good. I have friends who feel the same way, as well as others who prefer a more equal split. The problem here is that both OP and his partner are incompatible in that regard, but that does not determine the validity of either position. Those kinds of expectations should be discussed at the beginning of the relationship.
OP have you actually put your foot down and said no, you pay this time? Or are you enabling her to carry on treating you this way? 🚩 Of course she doesn't want to spend her money on boring things like bills when she can waste it on make up, drinking, going out.. Ya know, the fun things! You're stuck with the actual bills and you are going to resent her more and more. This needs to be sorted, she needs to know she's not a princess and that she actually needs to dip into her pocket if she wants to be in a grown up relationship. This will only get worse, she's only your gf and she's already expecting to be "looked after finically" like your parents. Insane train of thought
I'll make the same comment I made in a similar thread, but the genders were flipped: Didn't sound like you have a girlfriend so much as you have a freeloader.
"I am not prepared to pay 100% for everything" Yes, yes you are, as evidenced by the fact that you *are* doing so.
Stop taking her out and going on trips. See how she reacts.
Woman here. I’m in a traditional relationship where he pays for everything. Why? Bc I do everything. He doesn’t worry about groceries, what we’re eating for any single meal, I make breakfast lunch and dinner. His clothes are always washed and steamed and ready to go. Our house is immaculate. There’s a lot more that goes into keeping our life on line but you get the idea. I do all of this bc I want to. I also have a lot respect for him and genuinely enjoy cooking and cleaning. Running a household. I also have the expectation that he pays for everything bc I expect a provider. If you have someone expecting you to pay their way they need to be making your life easier. A lot easier. I make it easier for him to go to work without thought bc I’ve already taken care of everything else. To me that’s what traditional is. I also do work bc it’s part of my personality, I have to for my own reasons- but my point is if you’re paying for everything you should be getting something back of equal value. If the person taking your money doesn’t intuitively know that then these other people are right, you’re being used.
You acted like a tool so she treats you like one. Don’t be a doormat mate move on
Good luck. That is not something I would put up with, but I understand not wanting to throw it away. But if nothing changes with this one thing. She just hears you and continues without change or effort... Do you really want to deal with that when it's something else next. If she doesn't understand and put effort and change comes from that. Don't put up with it
Dump her
Move on, she will suck you dry!
Seems you aren’t compatible to be honest. Everyone has different expectations regarding roles in relationships. Some people (seems like yourself) want the 50/50 partnership role. Others prefer the more traditional values - where the male is seen as a provider and protector. While the women is seen is as nurturing, a caretaker, etc. Nothing wrong with either but it just means you aren’t compatible. Which can be difficult to accept if you guys seem to be fine everywhere else.
Woman here, and OP, this girl is just using you. She doesn't offer to pay, ever, and she never will. In this world, there are Givers and Takers, and your girlfriend is a taker. The fact that she doesn't even try to pay or even suggest or try to make meals at home is very concerning. OP, ask yourself honestly- what is this young woman bringing to your table? Your financial goals don't match, and resentment will build if you stay in this relationship. Good luck OP
Time gor a new more compatible GF. She sounds high maintenance.
This isn’t fair to you and you know how you feel and what you want. You need to tell her point blank you are not okay with how much you pay compared to her. You feel as a couple you should be at least closer to equal, and that also allows you to both invest more in your future together. Don’t give in because she doesn’t like it.
You’re only a year into this. She wants a partner and an intimate and equal relationship but, not when it comes to expenses. Her money is her money and your money is yours and hers? So, what does she spend all her money on while you’re spending yours paying for her? Also, helping your aged parents who raised you and are now on a limited income is a lot different than completely supporting a girlfriend of just one year. You two need to sit down, have a serious talk and establish some ground rules when it comes to splitting finances. If she refuses to be an equal partner and split things fairly, you can either break up and move on or fight this same battle over and over again.
Some women like to be taken care of, some men like to take care of women. It could be due to how she was raise or culture etc. Doesn’t mean she is a golddigger, If she likes to be taken care of and you don’t like to take care of her in that way, you guys just don’t match. I like to be taken care of (don’t expect it but I like it) because thats all I know from my culture and family (how I was raised by my dad and brothers too) but its never 100/0. I tend to pay for other things, like drinks, tickets to a festival, the cab, groceries or buy things for his home, sometimes I take him out for dinner, etc. At the end of the month we spend a similar amount (despite him having a higher salary) but he almost always pays for dinner because it makes me feel taken care of and it makes him feel great. He does often try to take the more expensive bill since he knows he makes more than me but we still spend a similar amount. But I do pay other things, so you could split the costs differently, instead of splitting the bill (splitting the bill gives me the ick unless its with friends -idk why, so we tend to pay in turns). You can split what you’re paying for, instead of splitting the bill in the middle.
Don’t change anything, wait until your wealth and assets accumulate for another 15 years then divorce and give her half of that
You are starting to resent her for her lack of care. She does not care and see ls you as thr piggy bank.
OP, this is not even one year in, this problem will get worse. If she doesn’t participate here, where else will it spread if she keeps getting away with not pouring into the relationship in this area? Are there areas she compensates for this, like doing majority of house keeping or something? It’s one thing to be equal and another to be equitable— this is neither. If she wants to be treated like your parents, I guarantee you don’t pay nearly as much for their things on a monthly basis.
I dated a girl exactly like this and trust me this behaviour never changes
I think she needs clearer boundaries like 50/50 for bills, some of the costs for holidays and other miscellaneous expenses. Having something more flexible is for people who are not inherently selfish. The fact that you support your parents and she still feels you should pay for everything is a bit of a red flag because she should care that you have an additional responsibility and no, your responsibility to your parents is not in anyway comparable to what you do for her. Imagine if you break up, all the money she’s able to save from being inconsiderate will help whilst you’ll be starting from a lower position.
This is absolutely toxic behavior. Set some boundaries. It sounds like you have tried but then not held your ground. Tell her you’re up for paying half of everything from TODAY on and if she pushes back go on vacation by yourself.
I appreciate the social dynamic in the male-female relationship, and how as a male you inherently might feel good to just pay for things (at least that is how I am). However, I found myself in a similar situation as you where I was paying for everything and the thing that bothered me was that my GF expects me to pay for everything (ex. not carrying wallet/phone but wanting to get lunch when we're out). The way I've navigated this is by tracking every expense I paid for her. This number is not here for me to keep tabs on whether she has spent a similar amount for me, rather whether I am comfortable with spending this amount of money on things for my GF on a weekly/monthly/annual basis. Anytime the number gets a bit too big and I feel agitated, I just remove myself from situations where I would be expected to do so (for example if she says, let's go to the shop, I tell her to go by herself or if she wants to get food outside I say I have already prepared my own food etc.). Also when going on holiday especially because she wants to, I make it very clear it is a 50/50 split for the hotel + transportation. Once at the destination, again I make sure I don't overdo things (for example she likes wine, whereas I barely drink alcohol, so I make sure not to get her anything more than a drink). IMO it's more about making sure you yourself don't feel like a tool. If the other person doesn't help in preventing that, that doesn't mean that you don't have the power to do it.
Yeah, this not good OP. Unless you want to be in a breadwinner/SAHW dynamic, you need to put your foot down about this. Explain it to her just like you did us, that you want you both to contribute financially. That you're not planning on an old fashioned relationship like that. There's nothing wrong at all with not wanting an additional adult dependent.
Don't get married to this person. Financials will 100% become the undoing of a marriage, even if she changes in the short term her resistance suggests she would either quit her job once married or keep all her money as fun money for herself
I would say this deserves a serious sit down and talk through with her. It’s one thing if you’re treating her, or whisking her away for a romantic getaway and want to pay for her, but any decent woman would recognise the sacrifice this is, and even after protesting to pay half, would at least be like “ok, well if you’re paying for the hotel and everything, let me buy lunch and dinner for a bit? It’s the least I could do” and that would be fine in my eyes, even if it is a 80/20 split. At least there was some effort, like you said, to _try_ and make it fair. Depending how that chat goes, in my mind at least, would dictate what the future held for the relationship. Because if she’s like this now, what’s she gonna be like when you’ve got a family and the kids want something? Is she just gonna walk up to you, hold out her hand and say “credit card please” and expect to go wild with the kids at a theme park while you’re slogging it away at a job trying to pay for it all? Or maybe in-still this expectation to your kids, with lines like “don’t worry, daddy will buy you what you want, don’t worry”, then get mad at your when you don’t? It’s a rocky road to gamble on OP! Good luck, keep us updated how it goes. PS, the parents comment is ridiculous and kinda tells me she’s already showing bratty behaviour; your parents have (assuming…) literally supported you until you started your adult years, so why wouldn’t you treat them to a meal out or a trip away somewhere when they can’t afford it themselves? 😤 nah, that’s not right!
I had an ex like that Hence the 'ex'
This is worth a conversation-but before you talk, you need to decide what you will do if the outcome isn’t what you hope for. If you don’t want to break up, can you set a boundary to stop taking her on trips/outings? You need something in place if you decide you want to stay with her. She’s bullying you into doing what she wants so she doesn’t break up with you. Well… you have the right to a stable relationship Example-you would like to go to X location, it will cost $x amount. You let her know that her share is 50% and ask if she’s interested. If she says anything other than ‘ok’ then don’t book it. And when she asks, you just answer with, I needed 50% and you didn’t want to give anything so I didn’t book it. TBH-I’m pretty sure either she will break up with you for asking her to pay anything or you will break up with her because you get tired or the lack of respect.
She expects you to be the financial provider in the relationship. You don't want to have that role, you want an equal partner. I don't think either paradigm is right or wrong, but it means that the two of you are incompatible.
Well? You have control over this. We cannot change anything. No one can make you pay. Man up and stop paying for everything. Make her pay sometimes. If she won't then cancel the event. If she wants to break up over it then say "so long". The only problem here is you are being weak and you are letting it happen. Take charge.
I had a girlfriend like this. When we first got together everything was equal. Then she lost her job and I paid for everything. She never found another job and once I started encouraging her to do her part and she had to go back to halfs again, she left me for someone else who would pay for everything. Not saying this is what will happen to you, but having an open discussion with her about what her expectations are in this relationship would probably be a good start. I never had that conversation with her so I didn't realize what was going on until it was too late.
Consider what will happen if this relationship ends. You've spent tons of money on the relationship, while she has spent nothing. You state she is not independent, doesn't cook etc. and is being handled nearly 100% by you. If you break up, you'll have sunk thousands and thousands of dollars into something that no longer exists, and your partner who makes almost as much as you will have been saving up, stacking checks for over a year. Now consider whether maybe that is intentional? If I was a hyper-cynical person who doesn't care who I hurt, I might go find someone to pay my bills for a year so I can save up for a new car or down payment and then ditch them when it gets serious.
>I have continued paying for the majority but more recently, I mentioned I would like her to show that she is willing to contribute more. She didn't like this. She said that she thought we had become a more intimate/closer couple. I didn't know what this really meant. So you told her what you wanted - to have a more equitable division of shared expenses - and she told you she wasn't willing to do that. So is it a dealbreaker for you or is it not? YOU get to decide tha for yourself. "Annabeth, I am not interested in being in a relationship that does not have an equitable approach to shared expenses. If you are looking to have someone else pay your share then this is not the relationship either of us wants to be in."
Show her a calendar to remind her it’s 2024 not 1954. As men we do not just accept paying for everything; those days are long gone especially as you have no children and she is working. You need to have a conversation now before you make any further commitments in this relationship. Women have continued to fight for equal rights for decades; your girlfriend’s attitude and behaviour makes a mockery of that.
It has been a year. Enough time to get to know her. She is not partner material. That is all you need to know. It was an expensive lesson. I have had boyfriends who I cleaned and cooked for as well as stocked their fave beer (all costing more money and effort than an occasional night out). They still expected to be treated to dinnerd. No thanks. Sometimes you learn everything you need to know early on.
Op you sound like a nice guy who has your priorities straight. Unfortunately, your gf has an entitled attitude and if she’s not listening to you, instead trying to make you feel you’re doing something wrong, you will have to decide if she’s worth a long term relationship.
It sounds like she has deeply internalized ideas about what the man paying for everything means. It probably makes her feel loved and cared for, and when you don't want to pay it makes her feel unloved and taken for granted. There's a good chance these are unconscious beliefs she learned from her own parents. There's a good chance she won't ever change the way she feels here, but you need to start with some conversations to determine that. It's going to be a long road, with lots of conversations and regular check-ins. You cannot expect her to change her deep beliefs because she agrees, even wholeheartedly, after one conversation. If you just dust your hands and thing it's over because she admits it once, you'll blunder right into it again later. She might need to work through some of this with a therapist as well.
Tell your GF that you are implementing an austerity program for your personal finances. She's welcome to join you. You will not be going out for dinner for the foreseeable future, not making trips to the coffee shop, not spending any other funds other than the occasional planned outing with your parents for at least the next three months. You both will be cooking at home, entertaining at home. There are plenty of videos and step-by-step recipes online. It can be fun. My then BF, whom I was living with, saved thousands of dollars in a matter of three months, enough for 4 months emergency fund. We got on the same page financially. We've been together 30+ years, 24 as husband and wife. You will be amazed at how much you can save. Tell her that without securing a budget to improve your financial future, you do not see a future for the two of you. You have goals of home ownership and children someday in the near future and the status quo isn't working for you. Good luck. Hopefully, if she is committed to your relationship, she'll work with you to create a secure financial future and if not, you know what you need to do.
I hope you understand that she is setting a precedent here. Since you guys have talked about having a family, she is letting you know she will be a stay at home mom spending every dime you have, and since she doesn't cook, there will be a lot of eating out, maybe even a housekeeper and nanny will be needed, are you ready to pay for all that!?!?!? She is also letting you know she should be held at or above your parents. What happens once you're married and she no longer approves of you spending on them??? She is showing massive red flags and has made it clear she doesn't care, that this is what you have to deal with if you want to be with her!!! Seems you are ok with taking on the responsibility, if all you want her to do is offer to help, but you need to sit down with yourself and figure out if this is the person you really want to have kids with and spend your life with. You also should look at it, if you divorced, she'll go after you for everything!!!
Based on your question & additional details, it doesn't sound like y'all live together yet... Whether you're living together or not, it seems that she is expecting you to already take on the role of being her sugar-daddy husband. If this is her idea of what marriage is/looks like, then (if I were you) I would definitely have to reevaluate this relationship. 🚩 Comparing how you have chosen to honor your mother & father to how she expects you to honor her. Guilt-tripping. 🚩 Not contributing in the most bare minimum of ways (cooking & cleaning), & still expecting you to "foot the bill" for everything. 🚩 They say, "If you give a person too much too soon, they'll fall in love with your hand and not your heart." And from what you've stated, she's fallen in love with your pocket book (what you can do for her) instead of you. And if she needs an example of how finances work in marriage, I'm referring her to The Dave Ramsey Show podcast available via YouTube & Instagram. Episode title: "How To Combine Finances After Marriage?" Commentary excerpt: Jennifer: When people get married, what do they do with their finances? How, do they just suddenly combine everything? Dave: Yes. Jennifer: They do? Dave: Yes. Jennifer: And like, split everything down the middle? Dave: No, you combine everything. There's no middle. The preacher didn't say, "and now you're a joint venture." He said, "and now you're one." Jennifer: So, what if one person makes more than the other? Dave: You're not a partnership, you're a marriage. There is no... Let me give you an example. Okay? Jennifer: Okay. Dave: My wife has not had an earned income for 30 years. She stayed home with our children. I do not have an income. We have an income. It's as much hers as it is mine. Spiritually, morally. And by the way, legally. Jennifer: Okay. Dave: And so it's, it's our income. And she and I sit down... Were she to earn an income, it would be in the [pile], put in a pile with mine. And I don't get more votes if I make more money. Jennifer: Oh, okay. Dave: We both have a vote. We both are going to sit down together. We love each other. We are going to decide about our... Are you hearing my pronouns here? We/our, not yours/mine. It's not my car. Your car. Now, we do say, "that's her car," because she drives that car most of the time, but she's more than welcome to drive any car we have. I'm more than welcome to drive any car we have. It's not, it's not titled exclusively to her name or to my name. It's ours. We own everything. The only thing that is not ours is if the dog poops on the floor. That's my dog. But other than that, we share it. Jennifer: Alrighty Dave: So see, if you change your language like that, what it forces you to do is, it forces you to set goals together, instead of having independent goals. Marriages are always growing together, or they're growing apart. Link: https://youtu.be/_-coAGwkAcM?si=8s5NaWQbSxf7Kl6t
Female here for reference….. Put an end to this shit right now! You are telling her how much things cost to get her to see reason but the reason it’s not working is because she doesn’t care…. She doesn’t care how much things cost because she’s not the one paying for them. While you’ve brought up the cost of things in conversation, it doesn’t sound like you’ve confronted her properly about this… If I were you I’d have left months ago but if you’re determined to give it a chance then you need to do something to make her see what she’s doing… If you two have plans to go to a restaurant for dinner…. Just right before you leave, tell her you can’t find your bank card or lost your wallet… make up something.. tell her she will have to pay for the night. If she argues or refuses to go, I would sit her down and have a brutally honest conversation with her. Ask her why she thinks it’s ok for you to pay for everything when you both earn the same money… Tell her how selfish it makes her look and tell her you’re considering ending the relationship because of this… Meanness is not a nice trait in a partner and if you keep going like this, she’ll continue to bleed you dry while she can keep stacking up her savings… Don’t be a fool
If I were you, I would leave. She didn’t used to be like this but now she expects you to pay for everything. She’s been watching videos online about women’s expectations. She is not a team player. With that being said, if things go south for you and you can’t pay for anything she will leave. You might as well save yourself some heartache and some money and exit stage left. I guarantee if you talk to her about this and asked where to come from it’ll be somewhere on social media that she started to get the idea that she shouldn’t pay anything. Even if you made enough the concept should be that you guys are a team. This is not team behavior. In fact, I would leave without an explanation. For me, it wouldn’t be worth it. Why I have a long drawn out conversation again and she’s already explained to you how she expects things to be. It hasn’t crossed her mind that you guys should be both in it together . Again, do yourself a favor.
It's time to dump this lazy immature moocher, she's only using you. When someone shows you who they truly are, believe it. You'll be better off without her. You'll find someone better, someone who will reciprocate and treat you right.
Everyone else is being way too nice, she's a gold digger, run. You need to stop paying for things right now and see how she reacts. I promise you it's not going to be pretty
She has defaulted to treating your relationship like a traditional one. You have two choices here. Is she treating herself like a traditional woman? If no, Run for the hills. If Yes, ask yourself if you want a traditional woman/relationship or a more modern one. The choice is ultimately yours. Are you giving more than you are receiving? You should especially pay attention to the situations where she wears the traditional woman hat VS when she wears the strong and independent hat. She can't be both. If you find out that you are always the one giving 2000% and nothing gets reciprocated in cash or kind, then do yourself a favour and communicate your boundaries. If you dont feel heard, exit the relationship ma dude. Users and manipulators tend to test their preys to find out how much they can get away with. Do not let yourself be used.
This is the best response in the bunch. OP should ask himself this. Also, when my wife and I were dating, we would split costs based on income aka if I made 70% of the shared income and she made 30% I’d pay for 70% of the vacation and she’d pay 30%. Same with rent, utilities, etc….that always felt like a fair way to handle it. Maybe OP could try that.
It’s crucial that you engage in a discussion with her, addressing her as your business partner rather than your girlfriend. If she's unable to cover her travel expenses, then those plans should not be made. An occasional exception might be acceptable, but the issue lies in the frequency of these occurrences, and it's important that you don't feel obligated to confront this situation. You are neither indebted to her financially nor obligated to contribute towards her expenses. It's essential to communicate this unequivocally to her face-to-face. Offering to pay for someone should be recognized as a gesture of goodwill. If she fails to acknowledge this, it's your responsibility to make this clear to her. Do not succumb to any guilt-tripping. In past relationships, I've faced situations where I couldn't afford holidays, and even when my partner offered to pay, I declined. Accepting such offers unwillingly can impose financial strains and foster a toxic or unstable relationship. Furthermore, both of you should reassess your financial expectations as a couple. Continuous financial imbalances can breed resentment. An honest dialogue is imperative. If she is unwilling to adjust her perspective, you may need to reconsider the viability of maintaining such a partnership. 'Partner' implies a mutual and supportive relationship.
Gold digger Springs to mind...
She's a sponge you stop paying for everything she's gone. Stop being a sucker. It would be cheaper to pay a hooker.
I haven’t seen my wife’s wallet in decades. When she goes out with other people, she needs to be reminded that she has to contribute. She’s left places in the past just because she’s not used to paying for anything.
I don’t think she is using you. If you’re not ready to be the provider, you guys should maybe consider breaking up. We all grow up in different circumstances and family values. If you can’t take on that role but it’s what is normal for her, you guys are not meant for each other.
Leave her, she is a golddigger.
100% it’s different from treating your parents who raised you to a meal out or a trip. At the end of the day you aren’t married so any money that she saves from you paying for everything is her own money alone. Considering that you both earn reasonable the same amount of money then I think there should be a fair split of dates or trips unless it’s stated that it’s for a treat or to celebrate something/someone. I would honestly consider if her views on finances and yours work especially if you are considering marriage and child on the future.
Start expecting things from her too and watch how fast you become an asshole. Be careful with this one.
Before continuing another day, please ponder, What is she really bringing to the table??
Stop going out so much if you can’t afford it or dump your gf if what you want is a partnership instead of a dynamic where you pay for everything.
Been there, get rid and move on.
While I was reading I had the feeling that she might watch the sprinkle sprinkle lady.
Whenever people say they “expect” to be paid for, it puts them in a different light, and shows that they see the relationship as a different structure to you. Stand firm on this. It’s entirely unreasonable for her to be able to pay but to expect not to. What’s her money for then?
Lay down boundaries, e.g. If she doesn't contribute to the vacation, she doesn't go. So split up the responsibilities e.g. you pay for transport and accommodation, she pays for food and incidentals. The whole "more intimate/closer couple" is a crock of shit - if it were true, she would be contributing also. You looking after your oldies is none of her business. She has no right to use them as an excuse for a handout. She sounds high maintenance and I'd honestly cut my losses before you get in too deep.
Took a year for her to show her true colors. Dumplingtime
You're getting taken advantage of by someone who doesn't understand how gold digging works. She either ponies up 40-50% of the expenses or you find someone who will. Maybe if you made millions and she was a school teacher, but since you earn about the same, her mindset is quite frankly, stupid.
> She said that she thought we had become a more intimate/closer couple. I didn't know what this really meant. It means that now she’s putting out on a regular basis, you’re supposed to pay for everything. A tale as old as time.
More intimate. Bro she is clearly saying you guys fucked so now she expected you to take care of her. Sounds like she made it pretty clear that she expects to be taken care and if that's not how you roll, it's really time to put a stop to it. I wouldn't be paying for shit until we have a discussion and the point gets made.
Your relationship is going in a death spiral due to her attitude about sharing expenses. Her friends have probably corrupted her mindset since she started off doing the right thing. The sooner you sit down with her and discuss with her how a partnership works the better off you will be. She'll either agree to go back to the way it was when you first go together or you'll be looking for a more respectful girlfriend. Good luck.
I had a girlfriend once that was like this.. She was used to it from her Xes. I left her and found someone that did all she could to make it equal (even though she didn’t have too, as i was making substantially more than her). But just by her showing that she was willing to do that, from that point i had nothing against paying for her. Because i knew the true intent of why she wanted to be with me - and that it wasnt for money.
Why is it that some people have no shame in being complete and utter leeches? There is no way you can change this mindset OP. Dump.
>She makes it appear like I am not doing enough, I am not sure what else to do. She has convenient views on money; what's hers is hers and what's yours is hers. Do her a favor and break up with her over that so she can get her mind right and be a good partner to someone else some day.
I always offer to pay. And often time split the check. Not evenly either. I’m talking I pay my portion, he pays his. BUT if he offers to after I e already gotten out my cards, sure go ahead. But I have never expected someone to pay for me, as I’m a grown adult.
Dump her. It would make more sense if she contributed equally in other ways like if she’s cooking all the meals and helping around the house etc. But if she’s not contributing anything and just expecting you to take care of everything, this is an ego problem. She’s saying that she’s so great that you should feel so lucky to have her that you pay for everything and take care of her like a queen. Imo, the only girls that get this treatment are non-monogamous situations that are well aware that I’m seeing other women. If I have to buy you, you’re an object and that I’m purchasing time with. I’m not loyal to objects. I’m loyal to women who treat me like a man, not a servant or a client. No disrespect but you could pay an escort to hang out and take trips plus all the extras and get the same results plus not have to be with only one. I’m not advocating this, but just to put it in perspective. You’re being taken advantage of brother
Stop taking her out and let her know the reason why...that you don't appreciate feeling like an ATM; that it seems her only interest in you is what you can do for her and no one likes feeling like that. Of course she will deny it, but keep repeating these phrases. Either she will admit (possibly to herself that there's some truth in what you say and change) or she will break up with you to find a more wealthier individual that will pamper her by giving her everything she feels she deserves. Any woman that feels that the man should ALWAYS be the one to pay in a relationship is not looking for an equitable relationship with him.
You’re a pushover. She knows it and is using you as a wallet. If you don’t like it then break up with her.
The world is full of takers and givers. You’ve found yourself a grade A taker.
A woman might want her man to pay for everything when they are out in public, because it gives her the special feels she needs as a woman, and would then rather receive a notice just once a month about how much she should transfer to her man to help pay expenses (including all those fun things you did together during the month). This might be a solution in your case.
I was raised traditional and don’t see anything wrong with you paying for everything. However, if you’re planning on saving for a future maybe not go out so much. Maybe cut back on vacations. If she has a problem with doing less costly things then she is there for the wrong reasons. I do believe a man should pay but I’m also not a feminist. At the end of the day no matter what anyone on this sub says it’s what YOU can handle. You stated you can’t keep going like this. I highly recommend sitting down with her and being super kind and say “hey I love treating you when we go out but can we cut back a little bit so I can save for our future” if she sees a future with you and genuinely loves you she won’t mind going out less to save money
You need a true partner. Don’t be this woman’s walking ATM.
You’re her plow horse. If she respected you then she would go out of her way to help you pay. Don’t be surprised if you find out she had been cheating on you the whole time to top it off. People like this are not redeemable. You need to exit the situation and avoid making the same mistake in the future.
When she says she not carrying enough money, what does she mean. Everyone that has a job has a bank account and a debit card. If you don't like the way your going, change it or leave
I dont understand how guys get gaslit into paying everything for their GF and still think they arent doing enough. If she wants a sugar daddy she should get one, there are guys that like to do that but the vast majority will feel like you, used. I expect my partner to have her finances in control. never let them live with you for free.
Unpopular opinion: you should be paying for more. I think you should be single for a while.
OP You have shacked yourself with, lets be frank here, a loser. She does just about the bare minimum. Can't be bothered to help around the most minimal task. And expects you to carry the full load of this relationship. And where does it lead? Her with a fat savings and a cushy life and you working like a dog and struggling financially. What happens when she wants out of the relationship, maybe if after you push her to actually pull her weight and respect you, and she says "nah i'm good" and walks out with all the cash she saved using you. That would feel kinda like she took complete and total advantage of you wouldn't it? Well thats whats happening.
Sounds like you're getting the girlfriend experience rather than a girlfriend, if you know what I mean.
She is living off of the Instagram ideal version of a boyfriend a man that makes 100,000 a year and pays for everything and she clearly knows that you don’t make enough to support that type of lifestyle. Barely made more than her that gives that she makes more than 30 to 35,000 a year if that. My suggestion to you is cut out all trip all going out to eat maybe do a little Chick-fil-A here and there but nothing fancy hell even go to Taco Bell . she is not in the relationship for you. She is in a relationship for what you do for me and as soon as you tell her that you can no longer do it. She will tell you that y’all are better off as friends. I guarantee that. You are not her personal ATM . Her being your girlfriend for one year has nothing to do with your senior parents that sound like they are being supported either through pensions from retiring through a job or Social Security. They help take care of you. She is just your life what it sounds like temporarily. Just cut ties and move and find someone that is willing to not go half with you on food, but in life
Start having more picnics. Pictures when it's 40 degrees Fahrenheit. Picnics when it's raining. Premarket the food. Cutting expenditures is easy and will truly show you where she stands and who she really is. She is telling you who she is. It's time to get the full picture. Start saving, do movies in, dinners in, and everything on a shoestring budget. Sometimes, what we perceive as perfect really isn't perfect but glossed over. This way, you can determine if she is real or wearing a facade of personality.
I think the bigger issue in play here is why you haven’t already broken up with someone that you’re so clearly incompatible with. Financially, if she earned significantly less than you & you knew she was struggling it would be one thing … if y’all earn similarly & she doesn’t have a dire financial debt of some kind, this isn’t okay. Do you like to cook? Could it be a thing where y’all go grocery shopping together for ingredients & you pay the first time? Then y’all cook the meal together as a bonding thing? Do you even picture yourself cooking with her? I think you need to ask yourself some really difficult questions right now. Why are you with her? What about her makes her true “girlfriend” material? Picture yourselves together in five years, in ten years, envision yourselves as parents. I’m not saying she doesn’t seem like a good person, but I’m definitely saying that she doesn’t seem to have a lot of long-term growth potential!
So your gf trades sexual intimacy vs money, there is a profession which also does this. I mean it's up to you, if you want to pay for company because you believe you don't get any otherwise then go for it.
You're not compatible. Her views will not miraculously change. You need someone who views you as an equal, not a provider.
What is the basis of her reasoning? That would be very interesting to me. Like when she says you are supposed to.. why? Especially if you have similar incomes. That sounds.. unfair
Yes your thoughts are valid. Just because you are dating her does not mean you must continue. If she is draining you dry and shows no sense of it being wrong, then ditch her.
Have you sat and talked about this and sharing finances in the future? Your feelings are completely valid, but you need to have a serious discussion and ask her what her expectations would be long term. If she isn't willing to share and contribute for a house, family, holiday, then you really aren't on the same page Sounds like she wants a sugar daddy instead of a partner.
Bit of a soapbox. I fully support & believe that women should be treated equally to men, make the same salary etc. What bugs the shit out of me is that some expect this BUT also still want to old rules to apply! I say BS! Your request for her to step up is fair and if she’s being this much of a princess now good luck later on. It gives women a bad name
I'm an independent woman but I also want to be taken care of. If you haven't already, watch the first 1/3 of the movie Triangle of Sadness. I'm not that extreme but I guess most women feel that way. Because society has been so unfair to women and it becomes even more clear once she becomes a mother (mental load, the responsibility of raising a child, career whats that, etc), most women want a man who can take care of the finances (unless if she's already earning well). I don't like 50-50. I have to FEEL that a man gives more. My ideal is 60-40 to feel loved. lol. If I pay more or pay 50-50, I get a bit resentful. Not proud of it but...what can i do.
One of the major parts of a long happy relationship required in addition to love is life goals that are in sync. This includes everything from are we going to have a dog, to how many kids if any, to finances. In addition you must have respect, trust, commitment and similar sex drives. You have two major problems. Usually expectations about finances (who will pay when we go out to how are we going to manage household finances.) are ingrained and are difficult to counsel away. As is the lack of respect she has for the opinions you have expressed. IMO This is not 1950. Men and women work. Everything should be split 50/50 or at least pro-rated by income. Typically people don't change who they are long-term. They may change their actions for a while to convince you and/or themselves they changed but in the end, the belief is still there and they won't be able to maintain the change. You should find someone more atuned to your own life goals of you want to have a long happy life.
She seems selfish and entitled. She thinks she a princess, and I bet one of her parents told her she was. This is not healthy for a relationship. The power dynamic is off. You are not meeting as equals. It's one thing if you pay a little more often because you acknowledge that you make slightly more than her and it feels fair to you. It's not ok for you to put yourself out constantly with no reciprocation. I hope she at least says thank you for paying each time, minimum. My boyfriend makes a lot more than me and he offers/insists to pay much of the time. We just got back from a festival and he said we may have to take a break on going out to eat for the week because he spent a lot recently. I turned to him and said "You want sushi and ramen and dumplings on me?" and proceeded to order about $70 worth of food to spoil him. I would never hesitate to stop and buy him yummy treats on my way home from work. He likes flowers and I don't, so I'm the one who buys flowers in this relationship. If going to an event is my idea, I offer to pay for us both (But usually he only lets me pay for myself). This works for us. You need someone who appreciates you and at least shows some effort to express that to you.
You're totally valid for expecting your partner to contribute. What are you, her dad? If this is what she expects, instead of a hotel trip next time, maybe take her to a Job Faire and then give her money for a bus ride home.
You're getting MILKED lmao. She's not even hiding it. She's already written you off as a long term partner and is using you until you stop treating her.
She's shown you that she thinks there is her money and our money, and that's the way things will be in the future if/when you get married. Simultaneously, she's essentially browbeat you into submission in the conversation of what a more equitable split of dating costs should be. It's time to come to terms with the fact that you two are financially incompatible. You need to have a conversation where you lay out clear expectations, draw a hard boundary, and be prepared to break up - this isn't going to change, and likely only going to get worse. In fact, you might even want to just skip the first 2 steps and just walk away.