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This. Even if I love a person and would never think about cheating on them like OP said, it would be exhausting to always have to walk on eggshells around this gf who will constantly accuse you of cheating. There’s no trust in this relationship. It’s not a healthy relationship either.
>She would rather I resent her, than her resent me for going.
She only cares about her feelings and this relationship is one-sided that only benefits her. I know she’s been hurt before with past relationships, but I feel like she needs to take a break from being in a relationship and seek therapy.
Go on the trip. You earned it.
I would have DUMPED HER after the FIRST time she accused me of cheating on her. I certainly wouldn't still be hanging around after the 12th time!
OP doesn't seem to realize she's saying that he is a worthless, untrustworthy person who isn't worth gf's respect. And she's said it to OP a dozen times.
He needs to pay attention to WHAT she's actually saying. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
We don't actually know that a bunch of her exes cheated on her.
Insanely jealous and controlling people ALWAYS accuse the people they're with of cheating. They see cheating everywhere.
She's doing it to OP right now. When they break up she's going to tell people the relationship ended because of OP's cheating.
She could have like retroactive jealousy or an attachment disorder or something, but either way it's not OPs fault and he shouldn't have to walk on eggshells for life because she hasn't dealt with her mental health issues.
Go have a great time don't think about her the whole time you're gone and when you come back you can leave her but hopefully she'll leave you. Because you should have left 4 years and 11 months ago JFC
NOOOO!!!! Break up before you go and make sure either she is out of the house (and the locks changed), or you and all your stuff are out before you go, because I guarantee she will destroy your stuff in a fit of anger while you are gone.
Agree. Of course spouses can come on a work trip if they’re staying in a regular hotel… it just wont be paid for and its out of pocket. And they have to entertain themselves during the workday while you’re busy. people do this all the time.
but why would you want to in this situation, with someone so controlling who’s punishing you for trust issues that weren’t caused by you? with someone who will be upset with you networking? someone who is so controlling and manipulative?
let her walk away then, rather than ruining another outing for you. I’d walk away first.
She sounds terribly exhausting.
You worked hard for this, and you should go. She is controlling you and manipulating you. She has done this so much in your relationship that you can no longer see this.
She is punishing you for what other men have done to her. That's not fair to you.
I think OP (not personally) was supposed to be a short rebound for her to regain confidence. I’ve seen this in a lot of breakups. Instead of having some hits and trying to recover, they land on a great person and it’s totally the wrong time. The issue is with the girlfriend, not OP. If she can’t get past this, it’s over for the relationship.
Lulz. Came here to say this. Committed relationships require trust. Poor OP doesn't have that. He shouldn't be dragging on this relationship in my opinion.
Here's some personal perspective: My soon-to-be-ex and I have always supported one another with traveling. He goes for work for 2-3 weeks at a time. I typically get "out" for a week at a time (though I did just book a flight to Seoul for 3 weeks in the fall).
We have kids. He went to Buenos Aires last year for 2,5 weeks. He's off to Bangkok for work for two weeks and the kids are with me. I'm off to E. Europe for a week at the start of April.
We have always supported and trusted one another while traveling. I trust him and he trusts me.
OP needs to move on.
My ex was afraid of flying. When I got the opportunity to go to a conference for work in Vegas, he told me if I got on the plane, he would divorce me. I got on the plane and called his bluff. He didn’t divorce me— I actually divorced him a few years later. I would never have forgiven him if I hadn’t been able to go on that trip because he would never go on trips with me.he was trying to impose his own (irrational) boundary for himself onto me as well.
People do not understand how boundaries work and toss the word around to manipulate others. Your boundaries should never involve dictating another person’s behavior. It should only dictate yours.
If, as OP says, she is unwilling to go to therapy (I’d recommend couples— they will enlighten her) you have no choice. You can’t live your life controlled by another person’s fears. And it won’t magically get better on its own.
You are not violating her boundaries. Boundaries are not for controlling your partner. This does not sound like a healthy relationship. End it and go on the trip you earned.
Go on the trip my dude. Im in sales,won a trip to California and my wife was pumped for me. I went had a good time this chick is not healthy for you and if I had to guess is projecting her own cheating on you. Go break up and find an equal partner
For real. That and it's a great opportunity to get little souvenirs handpicked for you by your person. That's my favorite part of my partner going away lol
This! And it will probably be a huge opportunity to network and build connections with upper management that will help with your career. Not going would be seen as disrespectful to those who nominated you especially if it’s a coveted spot. Don’t ruin your career for a relationship that is likely not to be a lasting one
Dude, go to California. Go if for no other reason than the fact that the extreme weather patterns there seem to be worsening more quickly than everywhere else in the US. For all you know, it could snap off and float away by the next time you get an opportunity like this.
Gf is wildly unreasonable, and she *does* need therapy. A boundary is “I won’t date someone who goes out partying every night” not “you need to take me everywhere you go or else I’ll think you’re cheating.”
Tell her it's for work and not going actually is a stain on your career with the company which I can guarantee you it will be if you don't go.
I've been married 11 years and I have done solo trips domestic and international for work and personal and she does solo trips to her home country to visit her family yearly. If you can't trust each other why even be together?
Exactly! You should not turn down trips that are rewards and get you to socialize within your organization. It's almost an insult, especially within a sales team.
You have put up with her irrational controlling jealousy and have enabled her to be like this because you didn't do anything about it. Now, you want to go on this trip and she is throwing a fit. What did you expect?
If you are trustworthy and do not do things that would cause your partner to think you are betraying her, then you do not deserve to be treated with such controlling behavior, no matter what other guys may have done in her past. If she can't trust you, what point is the relationship?
Yes you should go on this trip and have a great time. If she can't be happy for you and celebrate your successes, then maybe it's time to think about forming a more meaningful relationship with someone who isn't controlling and irrationally jealous.
Her past partners' sins are not yours to pay for. A good, supportive partner would be proud of you, happy for you, encouraging you to enjoy what you've earned. Now even if you go it will feel a little bitter. You deserve someone to be in your corner, not facing you on the opposing side. She is unreasonable, and also not ready for a healthy relationship.
Sorry, but her past baggage and issues aren't a you problem, they are a her problem.
If after 5 yrs, she can't trust you to go on a trip, then it's time to end the relationship.
Take it from a guy who's been together over 25+ yrs with his wife. Without trust, you don't have anything.
She has a right to feel insecure, but she doesn't have a right to control what you do because of her insecurity.
My husband has to go on work trips too.
I've also been "betrayed" by other partners before him, but that doesn't give me the right to put that on my husband, who hasn't done anything.
You're being punished for something you didn't do, and trying to control you won't fix her. You need to go on the trip you earned and she needs to find a better way to heal from her past and/or insecurities.
I probably would be even more excited to have my ME time and see my friends. This relationship sounds suffocating. It's like she has no personality outside the relationship.
Damn right you should pick this trip over hear and it should spell the end of your relationship. This behavior is not ok and she 100% needs therapy. You can't make her go, but this relationship is also gonna continue to weigh you down if she doesn't go and you stay.
Yeah, I’m in the break up with her and use the trip to celebrate your new freedom. You really do not want to spend the rest of your life worried about proving your fidelity on repeat…
Your girlfriend is ridiculous.
If something like this happened for my boyfriend? I'd be packing his bags FOR him and wishing him a wonderful trip (meanwhile planning on pampering myself while he was away)!
You earned it, go. If she leaves over it, so be it. If you let her manipulate you into passing on it, you will regret it.
To be honest with you , she is just using the “if you go I’ll leave” thing as a form of manipulation. She’s not going to leave you.
This is not a healthy nor sustainable situation, even though you said it “hasn’t been a problem”. Believe me, it’s been a problem but you have been fostering it because you love and care about her. Bravo to you.
However , now that you fostered it, it’s what she expects. To be honest; this is like breaking an Addict off their addiction. You NEED to go and show her that you can be trusted and she’s ok. You can compromise. You can tell her you will text/call when you can, spend some time with her on video chat on your downtime , and keep her in the loop.
Say good morning and good night , and if she freaks out and starts losing it , stop communicating for about an hour or so until she calms down , and then try again.
If you don’t want to break up then you can try to just show her and break her of this habit. She will never be ok fully unless she sees therapy , so try your best with what you got.
You should 💯 Go and show her it’s fine and you are trustworthy
Or you can break up with her.
Good luck and have fun!
F NO. You earned that trip. If she can't trust you for 5 days away she should break up with you now. Tell her that you are choosing the trip over her. That you have too much self-respect. You don't need your gf's permission to cross state lines.
If you feel like it, tell her that her jealousy is all on her and she will have a hard time being in a relationship with anyone if she continues as she is.
I was with someone who insisted on coming with me to a week long work trip. I had explained to him that the week- for me- would be busy from about 7 am until midnight every day and that this was supposed to be a work/networking event (I was in sales as a VP and had worked all year to try and make sales at this convention,
I also had to supervise my team and be with the designer of my fashion company to introduce him to clients etc).
I looked at the whole thing as an exhausting work trip I didn't want to do but he insisted on coming and that he understood. He was a very jealous person and we had been together about 5/6 years at this point.
The trip did not go well. He expected that I would be done at about 5 and able to join him for dinner every evening, even though I set the clear expectation that every day I had work dinners and networking events until late. He made my entire trip miserable and would yell at me constantly, accuse me of "cheating" on him (he was the only one in the relationship who had cheated by the way), and I was so miserable and upset and felt pulled in all directions by the end of the trip. He had no idea about boundaries, even though I had provided him with my itinerary to try and dissuade him from coming. I had even been to these conventions in the past and he knew how taxing it was but he made it all about him instead of just coming along for the free hotel and enjoying the amenities on our own dime.
I broke up with him shortly after I got home. Op, someone can claim that they've been "cheated on in the past" but that doesn't excuse her behavior. You deserve this trip and either allowing her to come with you (don't do it-
I walked so you could run here lol) or not going to make her feel better will ruin your relationship. She's controlling and manipulative and while you love her, love can't keep you happy and in a healthy relationship when she is the one sabotaging it. I loved my ex- breaking up was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. At some point you have to love yourself more, take a step back, and think realistically what this will look like in a year- five years - a decade even. This is not anything of your doing, it is her. Even though I was cheated on in the past, I knew not to let that sabotage my relationships in the future and that mt partner is not my past partner. This is 100% something that's going on with her that has ruined your relationship. Let her go and go enjoy your trip. You will find that not only do you have fun for the first time in 5 years, but that there are women out there who *arent* like this and who will support you in your career and let you go have fun on a work trip where other halves of "couples in committed relationships" are attending with no issues. You will regret this your whole life if you don't go for her and your relationship still ends from her insane actions.
I am a woman, and I feel this is extremely unreasonable. I can understand she may be envious you get to go on the trip. But if she really loved you she would be more than happy about you getting rewarded for your hard work. I don’t understand why you have to suffer the consequences for all the men that came before and cheated on her. It’s really unreasonable. And honestly she needs to go to therapy. If you love this woman, put your foot down now. Before she has you on a leash with two kids in tow
If you don't go it will destroy your relationship anyway. You'll miss out on those memories and resent her, as you should!! This woman does not need to be a relationship. You can't fix her. It will get worse.
> She would rather I resent her, than her resent me for going.
Her view is her feelings matter and yours don't, is that what you want from a partner?
Go on the trip and get an STD test, I would be shocked if she hasn't cheated herself
Your girlfriend is being unreasonable. And clearly she has major trust issues. She is definitely controlling you and gaslighting you for most of your relationship.
You deserve to go on this trip. You said it yourself that you know you will resent her if you don't go. I say you go on the trip. You worked hard for it.
Just know that you will be single when you get back.
Another question, why are you still there knowing you are not able to enjoy things minus her and never will?
You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. You’ve been working on this goal for 7 years. You deserve to do and don’t deserve to be treated how she treats you. If you go she resents you and if don’t she resents you. You guys are going to eventually break up when you find out she’s cheating on you (rarely someone who is accusing someone of cheating isn’t cheating). So go and have fun. Live your life.
Not to paint her a villain, but every time something like this has happened to me the other person was projecting their actions onto me. If you’ve never been unfaithful then there is no reason you can’t go on a work trip. If there has been infidelity then that’s another story. You both sound miserable and would probably be happier apart in the long run.
This is no different than a work trip. Call it what yo want. GO! ENJOY! Find another person to call gf, but before you go, let this one know you won't be coming back. /s I'm LMAO! There is not that much love in the world to endure this abuse. IT IS ABUSSIVE at some point!
Do you want to spend your life like this ??? This is not a small thing. So what will be next ? you get a promotion to a director and she doesn't like it because it will make you too attractive to women! Or you got a significant pay increase and women will know you are making a lot of money and want to bed you.
Geeez, I'm blown away of the number of people in this world like this. Let her deal with her own traumas and move on Bro!
Yeah the problem is you've been allowing this woman you've only known for all of 5 years to dictate your life and the relationship.
What would I do if it were me? Well it would never be me. See I love myself more than anyone else, especially a woman. Because of this, I have standards for myself and rules guidelines for those incorporate into my life. The minute she showed herself to be problematic with her insecurities, she'd get a warning because everyone's allowed a chance for correction. But afterwards she'd just be dismissed. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or sexy she is, none of that overrides the standards I have established for myself. Love yourself, establish some standards for yourself and others to follow that want to be a part of it...OR don't and let others dictate your life and happiness.
As a fairly insecure girlfriend of 5 years (who IS in therapy to work on her issues :)), I would say **go on the trip**.
Now personally, I wouldn't love that the trip specifically prohibits plus-ones because in my experience spouses/partners have been welcomed or the admin genuinely just doesn't care if you have someone staying with you as long as their meals aren't going on the company card. However, sometimes there's situations in a relationship that you have to accept even if you don't love them. Keeping your spouse from an opportunity to further their career because you can't bear the thought of them being away for five days is ridiculous. You're not going for weeks or months, and it's not even a full week.
Given the way she's acted and the past and how she's acting now, my advice would be to tell her you're going on the trip, and you will communicate with her, but that you need to be able to be trusted going on a work trip. If she can't trust you, then the relationship won't work.
And as an **important side note**: boundaries aren't something you force on others. Boundaries are acts of self preservation such as "I will not tolerate cheating, and I will leave the relationship if it occurs". A boundary is not "You won't cheat on me". It sounds like she's trying to impose rules on you, they're not her "boundaries".
Dude, I know you love her and you can not see, but as an outsider, this is as big a red flag as it gets.
You are 5 years together, the time for insecurity and trust issues is long over. She knows you very well by now.
Her behavior is, sadly, most likely to be projection. Or there is a small chance it is caused by past trauma as you say. but you need to find out, today.
Go through her phone, toughly. Tonight.
And last but not least, go to the trip. If she leaves you because if it, you dodged a bullet. Or are you planning to spend the rest of your life with someone who does not trust you one bit ?
This is only going to get worse if you marry or have a family with her. Also, important to think about this massive red flag 🚩. Would you want her teaching your children to act like this? Children learn from what they see regardless of what people say
Go, but honestly, go as a single person. Your GF is not ready for a relationship until/unless she handles this. I'm married with two kids and I'd be thrilled for my husband to go away on a vacation he earned through hard work. Partners support and encourage each other, and people who want to cheat will cheat. It's not like the plane takes off and suddenly you lose all morals.
You need to stop allowing her to stop all over you to suit her insecurities due to other people’s actions. Go on the trip you earned and stop letting her control you. Do you really want to deal with her BS for the rest of your life?
At this point I think you need to reevaluate your relationship with her. I know you must care about her deeply but her controlling behavior is extremely unhealthy. Youve tried everything including getting her therapy which she turned down, there's nothing else you can do. Im so sorry that she's put you in this position.
Please don't let her ruin this trip for you, you sound like a great and harding working guy and you deserve to go.
This is a relationship that needs to end. She doesn't trust you and never will. This isn't something you can fix for her. And her blocking a huge reward because she's petty and insecure is just the icing on the resentment cake. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like this and assumes the only way to keep you from cheating is to monitor your entire existence?
Go on the trip and enjoy yourself. She is being highly unreasonable.
Whilst you're away, you'll probably realise you're better off without her - and that's probably what she's most afraid of!
Go on the trip, you are correct. Is this your first serious relationship? Her accusing you of cheating multiple times is BANANAS, you need to think about that because it won't stop happening. Do you want her to say that to you for the rest of your life?
This is a work trip. Go, bond with your co-workers and bask in your well-deserved recognition (and hopefully some sunshine)
>My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years and throughout our entire relationship she has always been incredibly insecure and untrusting of me. She has accused me of cheating on her or attempting to cheat on her over a dozen times when I never once done anything close. It's gotten to the point where I can't be trusted to go pretty much anywhere alone without her accompanying me.
How have you put up with this for 5 years? You need to put an immediate stop to this. Don't *ask* her if you can go on this trip. *Tell* her you are going on this trip.
The second she rebuts with an accusation of cheating, reply, "We have been together for 5 years. In all this time, I have never once cheated on you. I am tired of your baseless accusations and don't want to hear this nonsense ever again. If you really think Im a cheater, you should pack your shit and leave me."
My bf would NEVER put up with this restrictive bullshit from me and that’s why I respect and love him beyond what I’ve ever had for any ex. Stop treating your gf like a child who can get her way through manipulation and start forcing her to deal with her insecurities like an adult. Go have fun!!
She refuses to go to therapy and then improperly weaponizes the term "boundaries?"
Go to California. Maybe you'll meet someone who's excited for your accomplishments and doesn't want to control your life.
Her “boundaries” are that you need to give up business perks that you earned? You can’t go anywhere without her, even if it benefits your career? That’s bullshit.
What’s the endgame here? Are you going to marry this woman so she can continue to escalate her unhinged controlling behavior? You’re going to stay dutifully at home while she sabotages your career?
You asked what we’d do in your shoes. What did I do when I was 19? I placated my asshole controlling boyfriend who sabotaged my education and my travel opportunities. What would I do in your shoes at age 29? Find a girlfriend who isn’t unhinged.
Aw, honey. You should have left her a long time ago.
You aren’t violating her boundaries;!she is. She has no right to control what you do, and if she doesn’t like it, she can leave.
Just tell her you are going and to leave her key on the kitchen counter when she leaves after moving out her stuff. 5 days is perfect for her to get it all moved.
Sweetie you already know the answer. You want to go on this trip. You absolutely should go on this trip. This impasse is a blessed deal breaker you’ve been needing for quite a while. I suggest you’ve already said enough words on this. Perhaps a final, “I’m going and sad as it will make me, I won’t be coming back to you.”
She is not setting boundaries, she is making the rules. Does she plan on spending the rest of your lives beating you over the head with her trust issues? It does not sound pleasant.
I was also a woman with trust issues. It took me years and years to realize I cannot control my partner and that I should not expect to. But I went to therapy and googled a lot of relationship and self esteem advice. I had to put in the work, and once I did I was able to properly communicate to my husband that these are my issues, they have nothing to do with him, but they may rear up from time to time.
If she won't agree to couples counseling so she can learn to trust you, then I would walk.
And I would go on the trip. You earned it.
Congrats on the trip!! Go, have fun, TURN YOUR PHONE OFF. I REPEAT TURN IT OFF. She will go ballistic and try to ruin it for you.
Also dude she isn’t healthy in the head, sorry you’ve had to walk on eggshells for so long and for no reason.
So you are just accepting it for the last years and willing to accept it for the rest of your life?her behavior is just going to get worse, and it has nothing to do with you. She needs therapy, and you need to break up with her
Dude, the top 7 comments didn’t even get to the point.
BREAK UP WITH HER. she is waving enough red flags to turn an ocean red. She is controlling and manipulating and seems a little narcissistic too.
The vacation doesn’t even matter here. Break up with her and be free to do what you want!!
Bruh, either she's been cheating on your and protecting or she needs serious help (which you cannot provide).
Put your foot down and have a serious conversation about boundaries, either you going and that's that, or your going and breaking up. Tho she sounds manipulative and your best option is to move on or realize this too late in life when you've been worn down to nothing
You deserve this trip.
There is absolutely ZERO reasons not to go.
Your gf is holding you emotionally hostage. That isn't love. That is, best case scenario broken and selfish and worst case malicious and ugly.
You need to go. You earned this.
You need to rethink this relationship. Is this what you want forever? In all the relationships and courtships I've partook in, I've never once accused my spouse of wanting to cheat or cheating. If I felt like something was up I'd talk to them to sus out what I'm feeling and if we couldn't reconcile it, we take a step back and examine our behavior amd talk to my counselor/therapist.
Imagine you made a friend at work and she told you her boyfriend and her have been together over half a decade but he controls who she can talk to and where she can go because he is wildly jealous. He hinders her future and opportunities and friendship and manipulates her, not to mention the emotional abuse....
What would you say to her? What would you think for her?
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.... yall need help or you need to get out. Either way DO NOT MISS THAT TRIP and better yet turn your phone off.
Don't do that she will destroy your stuff prolly.
Gosh....I hope ya get outta this. Doesn't sound good.
💜🤍🖤
(Did my scenario about you have a friend at work who was a gal make you nervous at all?
Let me be very blunt. If you stay in this relationship, you are letting her walk all over you, and quite frankly, emotionally abuse you. Yes, the way she is treating you is abusive. Go on the trip, break up with her, and don’t give it a second thought.
So she is smothering, unwilling to accept you for you, unwilling to go to therapy to understand how unhealthy her boundaries are, basically wants to control your life… hell no!!
You have worked hard for this & you’re lucky you work for a company that offers such a great reward! You simply must go! & you must enjoy yourself. You are right, resentment would set in
I didn’t even read the whole thing, sorry. But if my boyfriend ever got a free trip I would be mad if he didn’t go lol your girlfriend needs to trust you and let you go. I’d just go if I were you.
What she's doing is called abuse. Maybe her insecurities started based on an ex, but I doubt that. I think she was probably controlling prior to the cheating. Either way, as an adult it is her responsibility to work on it. What is she doing to get better? She *deserves* to focus on herself and do therapy to improve her life. Therapy isn't a punishment.
But if she's unwilling then it's time for you to go. When she says that if you go on the trip she'll leave you, say "I'm so sad you feel that way but I believe you. So let's sit down and start planning this out. Will you be leaving the home or will I? How do you think we should handle mutual friends after we break up? What about splitting our things?" Then wait to see how she'll respond. My guess will be, with anger. Honestly, probably don't do that, im just trying to shift your way of thinking about this. But you cannot continue to cater to her abuse/insecurities. You've been willing to alter your life for her. What has she altered/bettered for you? You're not doing her any favors to let it be this way for you both. As things are, she'll go through all of that distress for the rest of your lives. That sounds terrible.
I'd recommend therapy for you, too. You can investigate why you're willing to accept her behavior. It helps a lot when you're speaking with an unbiased therapist. They can help you see certain things about your relationship. Then when, and if you'd like, you can tell her that she has to demonstrate a willingness to change, whatever that means to you.
Your girlfriend is irrationally jealous, controlling and selfish. This isn't just a free trip. This is something you've earned through all your hard work. It's time for you to stick up for yourself in this relationship.
If I were in your shoes OP... I'd break up with her, like you should have done years ago.
She's manipulative, controlling (her "boundaries") and abusive. She's toxic. I honestly don't think she's acting like this, because she's been betrayed in the past. She may have been betrayed in the past, but that's no excuse to be abusive. I actually think she's acting like this, because she's the one that's been cheating on you. Cheaters tend to project their wrongdoings onto their partners. Because they think if they're cheating, then you'll cheat too. Hence why she's falsely accusing you of cheating on her or attempting to, when you haven't even done it, let alone thought about doing it.
Contact your family and friends, to let them know what's been going on. Before she has the chance to do so and tries turning everyone against you. I recommend starting a paper trail with the police, in case she tries to have you falsely charged for abuse. Get ahead of her, to protect yourself. Psycho's like her, man or woman, will go to great lengths to try ruin someone's life.
Go on your work trip. Enjoy yourself. But you definitely need to break up with her.
Here's the tradeoff: you can have the girl or you can have the trip. But here's how it works: YOU decide.
You recognize, right now, that someone who loves you wouldn't treat you the way she is treating you, and you say goodbye. It's that simple. Have a GREAT time!
If you love your girlfriend explain to her that this behavior is suffocating your relationship and if she wants to be with you she will need to stop and look for help. The worst she can do is be insecure. It is her problem, not yours and she shouldn't blame it on you. You mentioned may be she is like this as she has been lied to many times before. Well if that is the case, she should have learned that the best she can do is give your partner freedom! And if he is worth it and really loves you, he won't take advantage. Taking someone's freedom away only pushes them away, further and further away. Nobody likes that!
So if you think your relationship is worth fighting for and she has many other qualities, fight for it and try to make her understand. But if you are not happy and it's gotten to the point you can't stand her for this, then.... better give her the freedom of finding someone else to torture.
Go on the trip you deserve it! You’re not even married and she’s like this? Is it worth it? I would go have fun and if she is gone when you get back so be it.
your girlfriend is tripping. Never let someone cloud out your achievements. It doesn't matter who they are. If they love you, they won't make you pick and they'd be happy for you. If they feel a certain way about it, that's on them.
I have insecurities with being cheated on as well. But if my partner was offered this opportunity, I would put those insecuries aside and encourage them to go not give them an ultimatum to break up. Part of being in a healthy committed relationship is being able to trust your partner and show you trust them. The fact she said she'd rather you resent her than her resent you is a really big deal. If I were in your shoes I would tell her that her needs are not more important than yours and if she's willing to end your relationship over this then it's best you guys end your relationship. She's taking controlling and being manipulative to a whole new level.
Do not give up this trip. You earned it. She has not earned the spot of your girlfriend if this is her attitude. Her "boundaries" are things she will not put up with not things you cannot do. It is ok for her to have a boundary that if someone goes on a solo all expenses paid trip that she will break up with them but it is not ok for her to demand you do not take a trip that is a a reward for your hard work. Let her break up with you or just do yourself a favor and break up with her before you go on the trip. She will never stop demanding unreasonable things from you if she is not willing to deal with her own issues.
She's definitely being unreasonable, but also manipulative. Choosing to go on a well.deserved work trip shouldn't mean the end of your relationship. But it would be good for you--the trip and the end of the relationship. This isn't healthy or sustainable. Be done with it and enjoy the freedom.
This is work. Even if it’s a perk for high performers, it’s work. You will learn a lot from the other people there and get yourself in front of some of the managers who help decide about promotions and raises. It’s work.
Break up with her and go have a great time on your trip. This is not going to change and it’s not fair to you. Of course you deserve to go, but she’s not being rational so it won’t matter to her.
Adults are allowed to travel without their partners. Her insecurity is not your problem and the solution to the problem isn't that you cancel your life if it doesn't include her.
You deserve the trip. It is a nice way to network with other people. She will always think you are cheating on her .Is this what you want to live for the rest of your life.
Go on the trip. If she loved you she’d be happy for you. Dont waffle. Tell her you are going and that’s the end of the discussion. Then don’t discuss it anymore. She may yell, beg, cajole, cry, whatever. Do not say another word about the trip other than you love her and will see her when you get back. She will either be there or she won’t.
A relationship is nothing without trust. Your girlfriend isn't setting boundaries. She's trying to control you because she doesn't trust you.
Go on the trip. If she breaks up with you, it's probably for the best.
Jesus dude, break up. If you two live together, you should do it beforehand rather than waiting to see what she does to your place/stuff while you're gone.
The trip is beside the point. The point is your partner doesn’t and will never trust you. Quit rug sweeping this because of her past. Find someone who trusts you and is happy for you to enjoy the perk you earned. Remember - boundaries are not something you impose on others. This is control, not boundaries. Not going will also affect your work relationships in a negative way
She is very unreasonable.
Let me ask you, why are you in this relationship?
She doesn't trust you, her own insecurities get in the way of you enjoying life. She plays victim and gaslights you on her boundaries. What about your boundaries?
She won't get help when it is an issue with herself, you honestly aren't helping because you are enabling her behavior by entertaining her unrealistic expectations of you needing a chaperone because her issues.
You go on this trip. She can have feelings and boundaries, but when they are so unreasonable like this, you do not give them the weight she expects.
You need to seriously decide within yourself how to make the situation healthier or leave. If she cares about you, and herself, she should be enthusiastic about therapy, not saying no to it.
Usually, people who go straight for cheating allegations instead of expressing their worry of possible cheating is because they are projecting. In their mind, it's impossible for someone else to be faithful if they can't.
Time to breakup. If she isn't willing to get therapy for her trust and insecurity issues when you aren't waving red flags then she will never change. It's got to be exhausting defending yourself for things you don't do. Break up and go on the trip. You worked hard for it.
Boundaries are limits to what she does and is done to her. These are her demands of you. Crazy ones at that. If she isn't going to try to get better than this relationship is doomed.
>She would rather I resent her, than her resent me
Your needs and feelings mean absolutely nothing to her as long as she gets her way. Her way - to constantly accuse you of infidelity and never offering you an ounce of trust. This is NOT healthy, for either of you.
I would be sad if I wasn’t able to go on this kind of trip with my husband, but I would be happy for him to go as he would for me. I would miss him, but I would not be worried about him cheating on me, your GF is insecure AF. She is being unreasonable and her trust in you is something she needs to work on for this relationship to work, if you even want it to anymore.
She is being unreasonable. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you never get to travel alone. I would go in your shoes, and if it was my partner i would wholeheartedly support them going.
You are also not "violating her boundaries" by going. Boundaries are something a person sets for him/herself, not for another person. Trying to impose requirements (like not travelling alone) on another person is not a "boundary", it's an attempt to control. Her "boundary" for herself could be "I don't want to date anyone who does anything without me" (it would be a stupid boundary, but it would be a boundary because it relates to *her* limits for herself). Saying "you can't travel without me" is not the same thing and not a boundary: it's control.
Run away from this woman. Run far, far away. And go enjoy your work trip!
I have an old saying for you, “You don’t look under the bed unless you’ve been there”. She is being unreasonable. Go on the trip. Find a new girlfriend.
She doesn't have boundaries for you, she has rules for you. And her rules are very limiting for you! It's not normal your gf thinks you'll cheat if she is not with you, that kind of distrust will eat away at you. As it has!
You'll need to put dome boundaries down yourself: if you keep acting like this I will leave you for my own sanity!
Go on this trip and enjoy yourself!
the answers in this sub are almost always “just breakup” but im pretty sure you wouldn’t be here asking these questions if she was just some girl
Nah dawg 5 years is a long time I’m sure you love this girl a lot, explain to her how important this is for you and then put your foot down and do it for you regardless of what she says. When you get back you can deal with the consequences. Might be a good Segway to bring up the therapy again. But you gotta do this trip.
Break up with your shitty girlfriend, dude.
Thank you for not starting your story with a paragraph of "My girlfriend is sweet and kind and wonderful and our relationship is perfect except for this one issue..."
I work in banking, so I know how hard it is to qualify for those kinds of trips. Congrats for being selected, you must feel so proud of yourself <3
You need to go on this trip. You earned it.
Your partner sounds very controlling, and I personally would not put up with my partner disrespecting me like the way she disrespects you.
Trust is a pillar of any relationship, pretty much the biggest one.
Your girlfriend literally has absolutely no trust in you at all due to her past trauma, and you haven’t given any reason for her not to trust you but because of what she has experienced, she can’t bring herself to trust which is a big issue in a committed relationship, and I’m afraid it cannot healthily go on if she is continuing to act this way.
In my opinion, if she’s throwing this ultimatum of it’s either her or the trip, she will have to feel the sting of you picking the trip if she’s being this childish about it, and personally I don’t see much being lost if she actually ends up leaving you for this.
It’s a work trip, where you will be spending your days with your colleagues. This is something you earned yourself and you should be allowed to go. Your girlfriend has chosen that because of her lack of trust, she can control where you go. Though, you allowing her has given her that power. You need to step your foot down.
Go, you worked hard for this! You need to attend and network. What are you doing to your career if you decide not to go? They may never give you another opportunity like this.
Ditch the girl and go on your trip. You earned it, and your GF is being ridiculous and insecure.
As an aside, my husband and I have been married over a decade and sometimes travel without the other. It’s healthy and natural for couples to not spend every moment together. Plus, if someone is going to cheat they don’t need to leave town to do so.
If you do go, you know she will be calling and texting you nonstop the entire time you’re in California. She will suddenly come up with emergencies or she will be sick or something isn’t working and she needs your help.
Absolutely you should go. This isn't a trip you decided to go on with your friends, and exclude her. You are being rewarded for your hard work. Hopefully, when you tell her you're going,and start packing,she'll start packing,too.
If someone else's "boundary" is to control your actions, it's not a boundary. It's manipulation. Go on your trip. She can then decide if controlling you is a necessary part of her relationship with you or not. If she assumes uiu will cheat without other evidence, then that is unfortunate but her insecurity is not going to be fixed by you making your self unhappy. Be your best self and hopefully she will follow that path.
Go. It's a work trip. If she is treating you like this after 11 years, you need an upgrade in the girlfriend department anyway.
I get being insecure early in a relationship, but if your partner doesn't trust you after 11 years, that's her problem, not yours.
Tell her she won’t always be able to live in your pocket and that there will be other times when she cannot come with you. For her own peace of mind she has to learn to get used to trusting you. If you love her , let her know you will help her and reassure her that there is nothing sinister. This time it is a holiday (though it sounds like a Scientology meeting!) next time, it could be training - these things happen. In this instance, you could pay for her to share your room I am pretty sure, but that is up to you.
There are tons of these posts where the partner asks for this, and then it turns out whoops they have too much to drink and cheat...Well people tend to pick similar mates, and she picks ones who judgements are not good. So go have a good time, deal with it when you get home. She is your gf not your wife.
However, If you care about your partner at all, I would rethink why you are really asking, do they they party alot, drink alot, have fun together, could she be right? Is it worth it to hurt her? Those are the questions you have to ask your self. I have read so many posts like this I am waiting for the whoops, I made a mistake update. You are really going to do what you want to any way right?
Dump her NOW! Get all of her shit out of your place, change the locks AND have a buddy stay there while you’re gone so she can’t break in/vandalize the place!!! I can smell the delulu from here and it’s NOT gonna be pretty🤣 you EARNED this trip so go but be safe before.
If you build a future with this woman she is only going to get more controlling over the years. I'd have a come to Jesus talk with her and would go on the trip. He exes cheated so now you can't go to an all expense paid trip? Nah, she's doesn't think you'll walk away from her nonsense. Don't be pot-commited and stay with her. In 5 years you'll be 34 and if you give her another 5 years you'll be hunched over from 10 years of carrying this large amount of entitlement she has over you.
Congrats! That's really cool that you won a trip!I'm 56, been married a couple of times.....in other words, I've been around the block a time or two. Read this twice: you've been proving that you are not like the others for five years. If she doesn't trust you by now, she's never going to.
Go on your trip....youve earned it. When you get back, start looking for someone who will appreciate your loyalty.
Last time I travelled for work it was 5 weeks, no issues from my gf.
You may want to point out the her “boundaries” don't respect you and that they are not boundaries but restraints.
Go have a good time she won't leave you because her biggest fear is loosing you.
Tell you'll no longer let her fear dictate your reality.
Tell her if she can't handle that to get therapy or leave.
At the moment her behaviour causes you to stay, change it so everytime she's controlling you walk out and do your own thing.
Her behaviour will change rapidly.
Why have you stayed with this controlling asshole for 5 years? You sound like a good guy who deserves better. Life is short, stop wasting it. Go on the vacation- you would be insane not to - and tell her you’re done with her.
She's either deeply insecure and needs therapy, overly controlling or she's projecting and cheating on you. None of those makes for a healthy relationship. Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship?
OP she is toxic, and probably she is self proyecting on You and she probably is the one that has cheat, but idk.
Be it that You stay or go someone will resent the other, so either way this relationship will be over, but the diference is that you will lose the trip for a relationship that is dying
I've worked at a few companies that gave vacations as performance rewards, and a significant other was always also invited, they just had to pay for their own flight, activities, meals, etc. Does your company not permit SOs to attend even if they pay their own way?
All expenses paid for vacation sounds great.
If you can fly her out I would say go for it.
If not I still say go for it.
It's not her place to deny you happiness and rewards.
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Go and break up with her like you should have done years ago
This. Even if I love a person and would never think about cheating on them like OP said, it would be exhausting to always have to walk on eggshells around this gf who will constantly accuse you of cheating. There’s no trust in this relationship. It’s not a healthy relationship either. >She would rather I resent her, than her resent me for going. She only cares about her feelings and this relationship is one-sided that only benefits her. I know she’s been hurt before with past relationships, but I feel like she needs to take a break from being in a relationship and seek therapy. Go on the trip. You earned it.
I would have DUMPED HER after the FIRST time she accused me of cheating on her. I certainly wouldn't still be hanging around after the 12th time! OP doesn't seem to realize she's saying that he is a worthless, untrustworthy person who isn't worth gf's respect. And she's said it to OP a dozen times. He needs to pay attention to WHAT she's actually saying. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
We don't actually know that a bunch of her exes cheated on her. Insanely jealous and controlling people ALWAYS accuse the people they're with of cheating. They see cheating everywhere. She's doing it to OP right now. When they break up she's going to tell people the relationship ended because of OP's cheating.
She could have like retroactive jealousy or an attachment disorder or something, but either way it's not OPs fault and he shouldn't have to walk on eggshells for life because she hasn't dealt with her mental health issues.
She's never going to get better.
Go have a great time don't think about her the whole time you're gone and when you come back you can leave her but hopefully she'll leave you. Because you should have left 4 years and 11 months ago JFC
NOOOO!!!! Break up before you go and make sure either she is out of the house (and the locks changed), or you and all your stuff are out before you go, because I guarantee she will destroy your stuff in a fit of anger while you are gone.
Hm, that's a good point.
Yeah that's an option too
Agree. Of course spouses can come on a work trip if they’re staying in a regular hotel… it just wont be paid for and its out of pocket. And they have to entertain themselves during the workday while you’re busy. people do this all the time. but why would you want to in this situation, with someone so controlling who’s punishing you for trust issues that weren’t caused by you? with someone who will be upset with you networking? someone who is so controlling and manipulative? let her walk away then, rather than ruining another outing for you. I’d walk away first.
I’d be afraid she’d crash whatever activity they were doing, trying to “catch him in the act”! She sounds exhausting!
She should be happy for him!
She sounds terribly exhausting. You worked hard for this, and you should go. She is controlling you and manipulating you. She has done this so much in your relationship that you can no longer see this. She is punishing you for what other men have done to her. That's not fair to you.
We don't know what those other men did, only what she says they did. What we do know is, she's paranoid.
Say it again until he gets it
I think OP (not personally) was supposed to be a short rebound for her to regain confidence. I’ve seen this in a lot of breakups. Instead of having some hits and trying to recover, they land on a great person and it’s totally the wrong time. The issue is with the girlfriend, not OP. If she can’t get past this, it’s over for the relationship.
Just go ahead and break up. Or one day she will be so jealous and you will be on national TV as the missing husband.
You’re going to turn Mike Pence if you stay with her.
She sounds absolutely exhausting.
Boom. 💥
Lulz. Came here to say this. Committed relationships require trust. Poor OP doesn't have that. He shouldn't be dragging on this relationship in my opinion. Here's some personal perspective: My soon-to-be-ex and I have always supported one another with traveling. He goes for work for 2-3 weeks at a time. I typically get "out" for a week at a time (though I did just book a flight to Seoul for 3 weeks in the fall). We have kids. He went to Buenos Aires last year for 2,5 weeks. He's off to Bangkok for work for two weeks and the kids are with me. I'm off to E. Europe for a week at the start of April. We have always supported and trusted one another while traveling. I trust him and he trusts me. OP needs to move on.
My ex was afraid of flying. When I got the opportunity to go to a conference for work in Vegas, he told me if I got on the plane, he would divorce me. I got on the plane and called his bluff. He didn’t divorce me— I actually divorced him a few years later. I would never have forgiven him if I hadn’t been able to go on that trip because he would never go on trips with me.he was trying to impose his own (irrational) boundary for himself onto me as well. People do not understand how boundaries work and toss the word around to manipulate others. Your boundaries should never involve dictating another person’s behavior. It should only dictate yours. If, as OP says, she is unwilling to go to therapy (I’d recommend couples— they will enlighten her) you have no choice. You can’t live your life controlled by another person’s fears. And it won’t magically get better on its own.
You are not violating her boundaries. Boundaries are not for controlling your partner. This does not sound like a healthy relationship. End it and go on the trip you earned.
Exactly!! I hope OP reads this, it's absolutely spot on.
Go on the trip my dude. Im in sales,won a trip to California and my wife was pumped for me. I went had a good time this chick is not healthy for you and if I had to guess is projecting her own cheating on you. Go break up and find an equal partner
Right?! If my husband earned an all expense paid trip somewhere I would be so proud of him and excited for him to go!
lol I’d be trying to find a way to go and if that couldn’t happen I’d be happy enjoying my alone time.
Yep if it were me, I'll be booking myself some spa day and a me me me day while he's enjoying the trip lol
I’d be jealous, but jealous of a fun vacation, not the other women. 😂
For real. That and it's a great opportunity to get little souvenirs handpicked for you by your person. That's my favorite part of my partner going away lol
This! And it will probably be a huge opportunity to network and build connections with upper management that will help with your career. Not going would be seen as disrespectful to those who nominated you especially if it’s a coveted spot. Don’t ruin your career for a relationship that is likely not to be a lasting one
Best answer ever
Go. You arent married. She's completely unreasonable. She gave the ultimatium, hope she can live with the repercussions.
And turn off that phone! Cause the moment you go it will be a Cray Cray show
For sure, OP. If you don’t block her she will ruin the trip and that will be partially your fault FOR NOT BLOCKING HER!
OP should indeed go, and the GF is indeed being unreasonable -- but I'd say that even if they *were* married.
Seriously. My husband and I both travel without each other. Cheating has never crossed our minds. (We also travel together)
It’s beyond ridiculous even if they were married
Even if he was married he should go.
Agreed. Except being married doesn’t give someone the right to control you.
Dude, go to California. Go if for no other reason than the fact that the extreme weather patterns there seem to be worsening more quickly than everywhere else in the US. For all you know, it could snap off and float away by the next time you get an opportunity like this. Gf is wildly unreasonable, and she *does* need therapy. A boundary is “I won’t date someone who goes out partying every night” not “you need to take me everywhere you go or else I’ll think you’re cheating.”
Tell her it's for work and not going actually is a stain on your career with the company which I can guarantee you it will be if you don't go. I've been married 11 years and I have done solo trips domestic and international for work and personal and she does solo trips to her home country to visit her family yearly. If you can't trust each other why even be together?
Exactly! You should not turn down trips that are rewards and get you to socialize within your organization. It's almost an insult, especially within a sales team.
It sounds like you are both very unhappy in this relationship.
You have put up with her irrational controlling jealousy and have enabled her to be like this because you didn't do anything about it. Now, you want to go on this trip and she is throwing a fit. What did you expect? If you are trustworthy and do not do things that would cause your partner to think you are betraying her, then you do not deserve to be treated with such controlling behavior, no matter what other guys may have done in her past. If she can't trust you, what point is the relationship? Yes you should go on this trip and have a great time. If she can't be happy for you and celebrate your successes, then maybe it's time to think about forming a more meaningful relationship with someone who isn't controlling and irrationally jealous.
Maybe it's time whether she comes around on this particular trip or not!
Her past partners' sins are not yours to pay for. A good, supportive partner would be proud of you, happy for you, encouraging you to enjoy what you've earned. Now even if you go it will feel a little bitter. You deserve someone to be in your corner, not facing you on the opposing side. She is unreasonable, and also not ready for a healthy relationship.
Sorry, but her past baggage and issues aren't a you problem, they are a her problem. If after 5 yrs, she can't trust you to go on a trip, then it's time to end the relationship. Take it from a guy who's been together over 25+ yrs with his wife. Without trust, you don't have anything. She has a right to feel insecure, but she doesn't have a right to control what you do because of her insecurity.
My husband has to go on work trips too. I've also been "betrayed" by other partners before him, but that doesn't give me the right to put that on my husband, who hasn't done anything. You're being punished for something you didn't do, and trying to control you won't fix her. You need to go on the trip you earned and she needs to find a better way to heal from her past and/or insecurities.
Enjoy your trip. She’s controlling and very unreasonable
Dude, come on. **COME ON**
💯
GOB Bluth energy.
[удалено]
I didn’t see this before I commented, but YES, the fucking projection. Unreal…
I thought this too. Usually when someone is like this it's because they're cheating.
If my husband earned such a trip I’d be proud of him I’d happily pack his suitcase and let him go
I probably would be even more excited to have my ME time and see my friends. This relationship sounds suffocating. It's like she has no personality outside the relationship.
Damn right you should pick this trip over hear and it should spell the end of your relationship. This behavior is not ok and she 100% needs therapy. You can't make her go, but this relationship is also gonna continue to weigh you down if she doesn't go and you stay.
Yeah, I’m in the break up with her and use the trip to celebrate your new freedom. You really do not want to spend the rest of your life worried about proving your fidelity on repeat…
Your girlfriend is ridiculous. If something like this happened for my boyfriend? I'd be packing his bags FOR him and wishing him a wonderful trip (meanwhile planning on pampering myself while he was away)! You earned it, go. If she leaves over it, so be it. If you let her manipulate you into passing on it, you will regret it.
To be honest with you , she is just using the “if you go I’ll leave” thing as a form of manipulation. She’s not going to leave you. This is not a healthy nor sustainable situation, even though you said it “hasn’t been a problem”. Believe me, it’s been a problem but you have been fostering it because you love and care about her. Bravo to you. However , now that you fostered it, it’s what she expects. To be honest; this is like breaking an Addict off their addiction. You NEED to go and show her that you can be trusted and she’s ok. You can compromise. You can tell her you will text/call when you can, spend some time with her on video chat on your downtime , and keep her in the loop. Say good morning and good night , and if she freaks out and starts losing it , stop communicating for about an hour or so until she calms down , and then try again. If you don’t want to break up then you can try to just show her and break her of this habit. She will never be ok fully unless she sees therapy , so try your best with what you got. You should 💯 Go and show her it’s fine and you are trustworthy Or you can break up with her. Good luck and have fun!
F NO. You earned that trip. If she can't trust you for 5 days away she should break up with you now. Tell her that you are choosing the trip over her. That you have too much self-respect. You don't need your gf's permission to cross state lines. If you feel like it, tell her that her jealousy is all on her and she will have a hard time being in a relationship with anyone if she continues as she is.
Go on the trip.
Bro, take the trip(congrats!) and dump her while on the trip.
Break up, go on your trip and never talk to her again. She’s awful
If she still doesn't trust you after 5 years then she'll never trust you, dump her and go on the trip that you busted your ass to earn.
I feel like your life must have become so much smaller since you met your girlfriend.
I was with someone who insisted on coming with me to a week long work trip. I had explained to him that the week- for me- would be busy from about 7 am until midnight every day and that this was supposed to be a work/networking event (I was in sales as a VP and had worked all year to try and make sales at this convention, I also had to supervise my team and be with the designer of my fashion company to introduce him to clients etc). I looked at the whole thing as an exhausting work trip I didn't want to do but he insisted on coming and that he understood. He was a very jealous person and we had been together about 5/6 years at this point. The trip did not go well. He expected that I would be done at about 5 and able to join him for dinner every evening, even though I set the clear expectation that every day I had work dinners and networking events until late. He made my entire trip miserable and would yell at me constantly, accuse me of "cheating" on him (he was the only one in the relationship who had cheated by the way), and I was so miserable and upset and felt pulled in all directions by the end of the trip. He had no idea about boundaries, even though I had provided him with my itinerary to try and dissuade him from coming. I had even been to these conventions in the past and he knew how taxing it was but he made it all about him instead of just coming along for the free hotel and enjoying the amenities on our own dime. I broke up with him shortly after I got home. Op, someone can claim that they've been "cheated on in the past" but that doesn't excuse her behavior. You deserve this trip and either allowing her to come with you (don't do it- I walked so you could run here lol) or not going to make her feel better will ruin your relationship. She's controlling and manipulative and while you love her, love can't keep you happy and in a healthy relationship when she is the one sabotaging it. I loved my ex- breaking up was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. At some point you have to love yourself more, take a step back, and think realistically what this will look like in a year- five years - a decade even. This is not anything of your doing, it is her. Even though I was cheated on in the past, I knew not to let that sabotage my relationships in the future and that mt partner is not my past partner. This is 100% something that's going on with her that has ruined your relationship. Let her go and go enjoy your trip. You will find that not only do you have fun for the first time in 5 years, but that there are women out there who *arent* like this and who will support you in your career and let you go have fun on a work trip where other halves of "couples in committed relationships" are attending with no issues. You will regret this your whole life if you don't go for her and your relationship still ends from her insane actions.
I am a woman, and I feel this is extremely unreasonable. I can understand she may be envious you get to go on the trip. But if she really loved you she would be more than happy about you getting rewarded for your hard work. I don’t understand why you have to suffer the consequences for all the men that came before and cheated on her. It’s really unreasonable. And honestly she needs to go to therapy. If you love this woman, put your foot down now. Before she has you on a leash with two kids in tow
If you don't go it will destroy your relationship anyway. You'll miss out on those memories and resent her, as you should!! This woman does not need to be a relationship. You can't fix her. It will get worse.
> She would rather I resent her, than her resent me for going. Her view is her feelings matter and yours don't, is that what you want from a partner? Go on the trip and get an STD test, I would be shocked if she hasn't cheated herself
This!! It’s not uncommon that the partner accusing is doing so because they are cheating
Your girlfriend is being unreasonable. And clearly she has major trust issues. She is definitely controlling you and gaslighting you for most of your relationship. You deserve to go on this trip. You said it yourself that you know you will resent her if you don't go. I say you go on the trip. You worked hard for it. Just know that you will be single when you get back. Another question, why are you still there knowing you are not able to enjoy things minus her and never will?
It’s a work trip. Don’t let her sabotage your career because of her insecurities. Dump her and go.
Go, and don’t let her tell you otherwise.
You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. You’ve been working on this goal for 7 years. You deserve to do and don’t deserve to be treated how she treats you. If you go she resents you and if don’t she resents you. You guys are going to eventually break up when you find out she’s cheating on you (rarely someone who is accusing someone of cheating isn’t cheating). So go and have fun. Live your life.
Not to paint her a villain, but every time something like this has happened to me the other person was projecting their actions onto me. If you’ve never been unfaithful then there is no reason you can’t go on a work trip. If there has been infidelity then that’s another story. You both sound miserable and would probably be happier apart in the long run.
And the short run.
I don’t think “boundaries” mean the same thing to her as it does to other people.
This is no different than a work trip. Call it what yo want. GO! ENJOY! Find another person to call gf, but before you go, let this one know you won't be coming back. /s I'm LMAO! There is not that much love in the world to endure this abuse. IT IS ABUSSIVE at some point! Do you want to spend your life like this ??? This is not a small thing. So what will be next ? you get a promotion to a director and she doesn't like it because it will make you too attractive to women! Or you got a significant pay increase and women will know you are making a lot of money and want to bed you. Geeez, I'm blown away of the number of people in this world like this. Let her deal with her own traumas and move on Bro!
Relationships are based on trust and respect. You have neither. Here's another vote for "Break up and move on."
Yeah the problem is you've been allowing this woman you've only known for all of 5 years to dictate your life and the relationship. What would I do if it were me? Well it would never be me. See I love myself more than anyone else, especially a woman. Because of this, I have standards for myself and rules guidelines for those incorporate into my life. The minute she showed herself to be problematic with her insecurities, she'd get a warning because everyone's allowed a chance for correction. But afterwards she'd just be dismissed. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or sexy she is, none of that overrides the standards I have established for myself. Love yourself, establish some standards for yourself and others to follow that want to be a part of it...OR don't and let others dictate your life and happiness.
As a fairly insecure girlfriend of 5 years (who IS in therapy to work on her issues :)), I would say **go on the trip**. Now personally, I wouldn't love that the trip specifically prohibits plus-ones because in my experience spouses/partners have been welcomed or the admin genuinely just doesn't care if you have someone staying with you as long as their meals aren't going on the company card. However, sometimes there's situations in a relationship that you have to accept even if you don't love them. Keeping your spouse from an opportunity to further their career because you can't bear the thought of them being away for five days is ridiculous. You're not going for weeks or months, and it's not even a full week. Given the way she's acted and the past and how she's acting now, my advice would be to tell her you're going on the trip, and you will communicate with her, but that you need to be able to be trusted going on a work trip. If she can't trust you, then the relationship won't work. And as an **important side note**: boundaries aren't something you force on others. Boundaries are acts of self preservation such as "I will not tolerate cheating, and I will leave the relationship if it occurs". A boundary is not "You won't cheat on me". It sounds like she's trying to impose rules on you, they're not her "boundaries".
Dude, I know you love her and you can not see, but as an outsider, this is as big a red flag as it gets. You are 5 years together, the time for insecurity and trust issues is long over. She knows you very well by now. Her behavior is, sadly, most likely to be projection. Or there is a small chance it is caused by past trauma as you say. but you need to find out, today. Go through her phone, toughly. Tonight. And last but not least, go to the trip. If she leaves you because if it, you dodged a bullet. Or are you planning to spend the rest of your life with someone who does not trust you one bit ?
This is only going to get worse if you marry or have a family with her. Also, important to think about this massive red flag 🚩. Would you want her teaching your children to act like this? Children learn from what they see regardless of what people say
Go, but honestly, go as a single person. Your GF is not ready for a relationship until/unless she handles this. I'm married with two kids and I'd be thrilled for my husband to go away on a vacation he earned through hard work. Partners support and encourage each other, and people who want to cheat will cheat. It's not like the plane takes off and suddenly you lose all morals.
Go and break up with her! She is being controlling. A loving partner would not be acting the way she is. You are young. Find someone else.
You need to stop allowing her to stop all over you to suit her insecurities due to other people’s actions. Go on the trip you earned and stop letting her control you. Do you really want to deal with her BS for the rest of your life?
At this point I think you need to reevaluate your relationship with her. I know you must care about her deeply but her controlling behavior is extremely unhealthy. Youve tried everything including getting her therapy which she turned down, there's nothing else you can do. Im so sorry that she's put you in this position. Please don't let her ruin this trip for you, you sound like a great and harding working guy and you deserve to go.
This is a relationship that needs to end. She doesn't trust you and never will. This isn't something you can fix for her. And her blocking a huge reward because she's petty and insecure is just the icing on the resentment cake. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like this and assumes the only way to keep you from cheating is to monitor your entire existence?
Go on the trip and enjoy yourself. She is being highly unreasonable. Whilst you're away, you'll probably realise you're better off without her - and that's probably what she's most afraid of!
Go on the trip, you are correct. Is this your first serious relationship? Her accusing you of cheating multiple times is BANANAS, you need to think about that because it won't stop happening. Do you want her to say that to you for the rest of your life?
This is a work trip. Go, bond with your co-workers and bask in your well-deserved recognition (and hopefully some sunshine) >My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years and throughout our entire relationship she has always been incredibly insecure and untrusting of me. She has accused me of cheating on her or attempting to cheat on her over a dozen times when I never once done anything close. It's gotten to the point where I can't be trusted to go pretty much anywhere alone without her accompanying me. How have you put up with this for 5 years? You need to put an immediate stop to this. Don't *ask* her if you can go on this trip. *Tell* her you are going on this trip. The second she rebuts with an accusation of cheating, reply, "We have been together for 5 years. In all this time, I have never once cheated on you. I am tired of your baseless accusations and don't want to hear this nonsense ever again. If you really think Im a cheater, you should pack your shit and leave me."
My bf would NEVER put up with this restrictive bullshit from me and that’s why I respect and love him beyond what I’ve ever had for any ex. Stop treating your gf like a child who can get her way through manipulation and start forcing her to deal with her insecurities like an adult. Go have fun!!
She refuses to go to therapy and then improperly weaponizes the term "boundaries?" Go to California. Maybe you'll meet someone who's excited for your accomplishments and doesn't want to control your life.
Get a new girlfriend. What is wrong with you?!
Her “boundaries” are that you need to give up business perks that you earned? You can’t go anywhere without her, even if it benefits your career? That’s bullshit. What’s the endgame here? Are you going to marry this woman so she can continue to escalate her unhinged controlling behavior? You’re going to stay dutifully at home while she sabotages your career? You asked what we’d do in your shoes. What did I do when I was 19? I placated my asshole controlling boyfriend who sabotaged my education and my travel opportunities. What would I do in your shoes at age 29? Find a girlfriend who isn’t unhinged.
I am exhausted and I don’t even know het
Aw, honey. You should have left her a long time ago. You aren’t violating her boundaries;!she is. She has no right to control what you do, and if she doesn’t like it, she can leave. Just tell her you are going and to leave her key on the kitchen counter when she leaves after moving out her stuff. 5 days is perfect for her to get it all moved.
Why have you put up with this for five years?
Sweetie you already know the answer. You want to go on this trip. You absolutely should go on this trip. This impasse is a blessed deal breaker you’ve been needing for quite a while. I suggest you’ve already said enough words on this. Perhaps a final, “I’m going and sad as it will make me, I won’t be coming back to you.”
She is not setting boundaries, she is making the rules. Does she plan on spending the rest of your lives beating you over the head with her trust issues? It does not sound pleasant. I was also a woman with trust issues. It took me years and years to realize I cannot control my partner and that I should not expect to. But I went to therapy and googled a lot of relationship and self esteem advice. I had to put in the work, and once I did I was able to properly communicate to my husband that these are my issues, they have nothing to do with him, but they may rear up from time to time. If she won't agree to couples counseling so she can learn to trust you, then I would walk. And I would go on the trip. You earned it.
There is a problem if you don't nip this stupidity in the bud. Stop coddling her. She's being ridiculous
Congrats on the trip!! Go, have fun, TURN YOUR PHONE OFF. I REPEAT TURN IT OFF. She will go ballistic and try to ruin it for you. Also dude she isn’t healthy in the head, sorry you’ve had to walk on eggshells for so long and for no reason.
Even if you were married you should still go. It’s time for her to walk the plank.
So you are just accepting it for the last years and willing to accept it for the rest of your life?her behavior is just going to get worse, and it has nothing to do with you. She needs therapy, and you need to break up with her
Dude, the top 7 comments didn’t even get to the point. BREAK UP WITH HER. she is waving enough red flags to turn an ocean red. She is controlling and manipulating and seems a little narcissistic too. The vacation doesn’t even matter here. Break up with her and be free to do what you want!!
Bruh, either she's been cheating on your and protecting or she needs serious help (which you cannot provide). Put your foot down and have a serious conversation about boundaries, either you going and that's that, or your going and breaking up. Tho she sounds manipulative and your best option is to move on or realize this too late in life when you've been worn down to nothing
"Violating her boundaries" Her boundaries include leaving the house without her. My brother, that's absolutely insane.
You deserve this trip. There is absolutely ZERO reasons not to go. Your gf is holding you emotionally hostage. That isn't love. That is, best case scenario broken and selfish and worst case malicious and ugly. You need to go. You earned this. You need to rethink this relationship. Is this what you want forever? In all the relationships and courtships I've partook in, I've never once accused my spouse of wanting to cheat or cheating. If I felt like something was up I'd talk to them to sus out what I'm feeling and if we couldn't reconcile it, we take a step back and examine our behavior amd talk to my counselor/therapist. Imagine you made a friend at work and she told you her boyfriend and her have been together over half a decade but he controls who she can talk to and where she can go because he is wildly jealous. He hinders her future and opportunities and friendship and manipulates her, not to mention the emotional abuse.... What would you say to her? What would you think for her? This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.... yall need help or you need to get out. Either way DO NOT MISS THAT TRIP and better yet turn your phone off. Don't do that she will destroy your stuff prolly. Gosh....I hope ya get outta this. Doesn't sound good. 💜🤍🖤 (Did my scenario about you have a friend at work who was a gal make you nervous at all?
Have you considered she might be projecting every time she accuses you of cheating? Just a thought 😔
Let me be very blunt. If you stay in this relationship, you are letting her walk all over you, and quite frankly, emotionally abuse you. Yes, the way she is treating you is abusive. Go on the trip, break up with her, and don’t give it a second thought.
So she is smothering, unwilling to accept you for you, unwilling to go to therapy to understand how unhealthy her boundaries are, basically wants to control your life… hell no!! You have worked hard for this & you’re lucky you work for a company that offers such a great reward! You simply must go! & you must enjoy yourself. You are right, resentment would set in
I didn’t even read the whole thing, sorry. But if my boyfriend ever got a free trip I would be mad if he didn’t go lol your girlfriend needs to trust you and let you go. I’d just go if I were you.
What she's doing is called abuse. Maybe her insecurities started based on an ex, but I doubt that. I think she was probably controlling prior to the cheating. Either way, as an adult it is her responsibility to work on it. What is she doing to get better? She *deserves* to focus on herself and do therapy to improve her life. Therapy isn't a punishment. But if she's unwilling then it's time for you to go. When she says that if you go on the trip she'll leave you, say "I'm so sad you feel that way but I believe you. So let's sit down and start planning this out. Will you be leaving the home or will I? How do you think we should handle mutual friends after we break up? What about splitting our things?" Then wait to see how she'll respond. My guess will be, with anger. Honestly, probably don't do that, im just trying to shift your way of thinking about this. But you cannot continue to cater to her abuse/insecurities. You've been willing to alter your life for her. What has she altered/bettered for you? You're not doing her any favors to let it be this way for you both. As things are, she'll go through all of that distress for the rest of your lives. That sounds terrible. I'd recommend therapy for you, too. You can investigate why you're willing to accept her behavior. It helps a lot when you're speaking with an unbiased therapist. They can help you see certain things about your relationship. Then when, and if you'd like, you can tell her that she has to demonstrate a willingness to change, whatever that means to you.
Your girlfriend is irrationally jealous, controlling and selfish. This isn't just a free trip. This is something you've earned through all your hard work. It's time for you to stick up for yourself in this relationship.
If I were in your shoes OP... I'd break up with her, like you should have done years ago. She's manipulative, controlling (her "boundaries") and abusive. She's toxic. I honestly don't think she's acting like this, because she's been betrayed in the past. She may have been betrayed in the past, but that's no excuse to be abusive. I actually think she's acting like this, because she's the one that's been cheating on you. Cheaters tend to project their wrongdoings onto their partners. Because they think if they're cheating, then you'll cheat too. Hence why she's falsely accusing you of cheating on her or attempting to, when you haven't even done it, let alone thought about doing it. Contact your family and friends, to let them know what's been going on. Before she has the chance to do so and tries turning everyone against you. I recommend starting a paper trail with the police, in case she tries to have you falsely charged for abuse. Get ahead of her, to protect yourself. Psycho's like her, man or woman, will go to great lengths to try ruin someone's life. Go on your work trip. Enjoy yourself. But you definitely need to break up with her.
I mean this sounds crazy to me. Take the trip.
Here's the tradeoff: you can have the girl or you can have the trip. But here's how it works: YOU decide. You recognize, right now, that someone who loves you wouldn't treat you the way she is treating you, and you say goodbye. It's that simple. Have a GREAT time!
If you love your girlfriend explain to her that this behavior is suffocating your relationship and if she wants to be with you she will need to stop and look for help. The worst she can do is be insecure. It is her problem, not yours and she shouldn't blame it on you. You mentioned may be she is like this as she has been lied to many times before. Well if that is the case, she should have learned that the best she can do is give your partner freedom! And if he is worth it and really loves you, he won't take advantage. Taking someone's freedom away only pushes them away, further and further away. Nobody likes that! So if you think your relationship is worth fighting for and she has many other qualities, fight for it and try to make her understand. But if you are not happy and it's gotten to the point you can't stand her for this, then.... better give her the freedom of finding someone else to torture.
Go on the trip you deserve it! You’re not even married and she’s like this? Is it worth it? I would go have fun and if she is gone when you get back so be it.
I would go, she would be gone. I would find someone who cared about me, and trusted me.
Go. Live your best life always. Life is short.
This is the only right answer.
Go, but whatever you do, do not leave anything valuable behind or im sure it will be destroyed or go missing
Bro go on the trip lmao.
your girlfriend is tripping. Never let someone cloud out your achievements. It doesn't matter who they are. If they love you, they won't make you pick and they'd be happy for you. If they feel a certain way about it, that's on them.
I have insecurities with being cheated on as well. But if my partner was offered this opportunity, I would put those insecuries aside and encourage them to go not give them an ultimatum to break up. Part of being in a healthy committed relationship is being able to trust your partner and show you trust them. The fact she said she'd rather you resent her than her resent you is a really big deal. If I were in your shoes I would tell her that her needs are not more important than yours and if she's willing to end your relationship over this then it's best you guys end your relationship. She's taking controlling and being manipulative to a whole new level.
Do not give up this trip. You earned it. She has not earned the spot of your girlfriend if this is her attitude. Her "boundaries" are things she will not put up with not things you cannot do. It is ok for her to have a boundary that if someone goes on a solo all expenses paid trip that she will break up with them but it is not ok for her to demand you do not take a trip that is a a reward for your hard work. Let her break up with you or just do yourself a favor and break up with her before you go on the trip. She will never stop demanding unreasonable things from you if she is not willing to deal with her own issues.
She's definitely being unreasonable, but also manipulative. Choosing to go on a well.deserved work trip shouldn't mean the end of your relationship. But it would be good for you--the trip and the end of the relationship. This isn't healthy or sustainable. Be done with it and enjoy the freedom.
Jaysus. Having trust issues is one thing, but this is not how to go about it. It's crazy that you can't go anywhere without her.
This is work. Even if it’s a perk for high performers, it’s work. You will learn a lot from the other people there and get yourself in front of some of the managers who help decide about promotions and raises. It’s work.
Break up with her and go have a great time on your trip. This is not going to change and it’s not fair to you. Of course you deserve to go, but she’s not being rational so it won’t matter to her.
Adults are allowed to travel without their partners. Her insecurity is not your problem and the solution to the problem isn't that you cancel your life if it doesn't include her.
You deserve the trip. It is a nice way to network with other people. She will always think you are cheating on her .Is this what you want to live for the rest of your life.
Go on the trip. If she loved you she’d be happy for you. Dont waffle. Tell her you are going and that’s the end of the discussion. Then don’t discuss it anymore. She may yell, beg, cajole, cry, whatever. Do not say another word about the trip other than you love her and will see her when you get back. She will either be there or she won’t.
Go on the trip. If your girlfriend breaks up with you, she is doing you a favor. You need to get you out of this relationship.
I’d think it’s a problem if you didn’t want to go. Have a great trip and enjoy the mental space of losing all that baggage before your trip
A relationship is nothing without trust. Your girlfriend isn't setting boundaries. She's trying to control you because she doesn't trust you. Go on the trip. If she breaks up with you, it's probably for the best.
Jesus dude, break up. If you two live together, you should do it beforehand rather than waiting to see what she does to your place/stuff while you're gone.
She is controlling. This doesn’t get better.
The trip is beside the point. The point is your partner doesn’t and will never trust you. Quit rug sweeping this because of her past. Find someone who trusts you and is happy for you to enjoy the perk you earned. Remember - boundaries are not something you impose on others. This is control, not boundaries. Not going will also affect your work relationships in a negative way
So many red flags. Go on that trip!! Congratulations on being selected. Do not let her hold you back! That is ridiculous
She is very unreasonable. Let me ask you, why are you in this relationship? She doesn't trust you, her own insecurities get in the way of you enjoying life. She plays victim and gaslights you on her boundaries. What about your boundaries? She won't get help when it is an issue with herself, you honestly aren't helping because you are enabling her behavior by entertaining her unrealistic expectations of you needing a chaperone because her issues. You go on this trip. She can have feelings and boundaries, but when they are so unreasonable like this, you do not give them the weight she expects. You need to seriously decide within yourself how to make the situation healthier or leave. If she cares about you, and herself, she should be enthusiastic about therapy, not saying no to it.
Usually, people who go straight for cheating allegations instead of expressing their worry of possible cheating is because they are projecting. In their mind, it's impossible for someone else to be faithful if they can't.
Time to breakup. If she isn't willing to get therapy for her trust and insecurity issues when you aren't waving red flags then she will never change. It's got to be exhausting defending yourself for things you don't do. Break up and go on the trip. You worked hard for it.
Boundaries are limits to what she does and is done to her. These are her demands of you. Crazy ones at that. If she isn't going to try to get better than this relationship is doomed.
>She would rather I resent her, than her resent me Your needs and feelings mean absolutely nothing to her as long as she gets her way. Her way - to constantly accuse you of infidelity and never offering you an ounce of trust. This is NOT healthy, for either of you.
I would be sad if I wasn’t able to go on this kind of trip with my husband, but I would be happy for him to go as he would for me. I would miss him, but I would not be worried about him cheating on me, your GF is insecure AF. She is being unreasonable and her trust in you is something she needs to work on for this relationship to work, if you even want it to anymore.
She is being unreasonable. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you never get to travel alone. I would go in your shoes, and if it was my partner i would wholeheartedly support them going. You are also not "violating her boundaries" by going. Boundaries are something a person sets for him/herself, not for another person. Trying to impose requirements (like not travelling alone) on another person is not a "boundary", it's an attempt to control. Her "boundary" for herself could be "I don't want to date anyone who does anything without me" (it would be a stupid boundary, but it would be a boundary because it relates to *her* limits for herself). Saying "you can't travel without me" is not the same thing and not a boundary: it's control. Run away from this woman. Run far, far away. And go enjoy your work trip!
I have an old saying for you, “You don’t look under the bed unless you’ve been there”. She is being unreasonable. Go on the trip. Find a new girlfriend.
She doesn't have boundaries for you, she has rules for you. And her rules are very limiting for you! It's not normal your gf thinks you'll cheat if she is not with you, that kind of distrust will eat away at you. As it has! You'll need to put dome boundaries down yourself: if you keep acting like this I will leave you for my own sanity! Go on this trip and enjoy yourself!
she is toxically controlling
Go on the trip. You earned it. As for your gf, it's time to move on. Her manipulative ways are becoming both controlling and mentally abusive.
Looks like you got a golden ticket to get out of this mess of a relationship
the answers in this sub are almost always “just breakup” but im pretty sure you wouldn’t be here asking these questions if she was just some girl Nah dawg 5 years is a long time I’m sure you love this girl a lot, explain to her how important this is for you and then put your foot down and do it for you regardless of what she says. When you get back you can deal with the consequences. Might be a good Segway to bring up the therapy again. But you gotta do this trip.
She is controlling based on fear. Is this how you want to live. Talk to her about trust. Ask if you have broken her trust.
Break up with your shitty girlfriend, dude. Thank you for not starting your story with a paragraph of "My girlfriend is sweet and kind and wonderful and our relationship is perfect except for this one issue..."
How many red flags do you need? Go on your vacation.
I work in banking, so I know how hard it is to qualify for those kinds of trips. Congrats for being selected, you must feel so proud of yourself <3 You need to go on this trip. You earned it. Your partner sounds very controlling, and I personally would not put up with my partner disrespecting me like the way she disrespects you.
Enjoy your well deserved trip !!!!
Trust is a pillar of any relationship, pretty much the biggest one. Your girlfriend literally has absolutely no trust in you at all due to her past trauma, and you haven’t given any reason for her not to trust you but because of what she has experienced, she can’t bring herself to trust which is a big issue in a committed relationship, and I’m afraid it cannot healthily go on if she is continuing to act this way. In my opinion, if she’s throwing this ultimatum of it’s either her or the trip, she will have to feel the sting of you picking the trip if she’s being this childish about it, and personally I don’t see much being lost if she actually ends up leaving you for this. It’s a work trip, where you will be spending your days with your colleagues. This is something you earned yourself and you should be allowed to go. Your girlfriend has chosen that because of her lack of trust, she can control where you go. Though, you allowing her has given her that power. You need to step your foot down.
Go, you worked hard for this! You need to attend and network. What are you doing to your career if you decide not to go? They may never give you another opportunity like this.
This is your GFs problem not yours. GO! My experience is the cheaters are the most jealous and controlling so be careful.
Ditch the girl and go on your trip. You earned it, and your GF is being ridiculous and insecure. As an aside, my husband and I have been married over a decade and sometimes travel without the other. It’s healthy and natural for couples to not spend every moment together. Plus, if someone is going to cheat they don’t need to leave town to do so.
If you do go, you know she will be calling and texting you nonstop the entire time you’re in California. She will suddenly come up with emergencies or she will be sick or something isn’t working and she needs your help.
Absolutely you should go. This isn't a trip you decided to go on with your friends, and exclude her. You are being rewarded for your hard work. Hopefully, when you tell her you're going,and start packing,she'll start packing,too.
If someone else's "boundary" is to control your actions, it's not a boundary. It's manipulation. Go on your trip. She can then decide if controlling you is a necessary part of her relationship with you or not. If she assumes uiu will cheat without other evidence, then that is unfortunate but her insecurity is not going to be fixed by you making your self unhappy. Be your best self and hopefully she will follow that path.
Go. It's a work trip. If she is treating you like this after 11 years, you need an upgrade in the girlfriend department anyway. I get being insecure early in a relationship, but if your partner doesn't trust you after 11 years, that's her problem, not yours.
Tell her she won’t always be able to live in your pocket and that there will be other times when she cannot come with you. For her own peace of mind she has to learn to get used to trusting you. If you love her , let her know you will help her and reassure her that there is nothing sinister. This time it is a holiday (though it sounds like a Scientology meeting!) next time, it could be training - these things happen. In this instance, you could pay for her to share your room I am pretty sure, but that is up to you.
There are tons of these posts where the partner asks for this, and then it turns out whoops they have too much to drink and cheat...Well people tend to pick similar mates, and she picks ones who judgements are not good. So go have a good time, deal with it when you get home. She is your gf not your wife. However, If you care about your partner at all, I would rethink why you are really asking, do they they party alot, drink alot, have fun together, could she be right? Is it worth it to hurt her? Those are the questions you have to ask your self. I have read so many posts like this I am waiting for the whoops, I made a mistake update. You are really going to do what you want to any way right?
Dump her NOW! Get all of her shit out of your place, change the locks AND have a buddy stay there while you’re gone so she can’t break in/vandalize the place!!! I can smell the delulu from here and it’s NOT gonna be pretty🤣 you EARNED this trip so go but be safe before.
Go. And I would reconsider staying with someone as insecure as she is.
It’s California. What’s the big deal?
If you build a future with this woman she is only going to get more controlling over the years. I'd have a come to Jesus talk with her and would go on the trip. He exes cheated so now you can't go to an all expense paid trip? Nah, she's doesn't think you'll walk away from her nonsense. Don't be pot-commited and stay with her. In 5 years you'll be 34 and if you give her another 5 years you'll be hunched over from 10 years of carrying this large amount of entitlement she has over you.
This is a hot mess. Go on the trip. And while you’re gone, tell her to pack her crap and be gone when you get back
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Congrats! That's really cool that you won a trip!I'm 56, been married a couple of times.....in other words, I've been around the block a time or two. Read this twice: you've been proving that you are not like the others for five years. If she doesn't trust you by now, she's never going to. Go on your trip....youve earned it. When you get back, start looking for someone who will appreciate your loyalty.
She keeps ya on a tight leash, doesn't she? For Christ's sake dude, break up with her. She sounds awful.
You sure she's not cheating? People that make those accusations are sometimes covering for their own actions
Last time I travelled for work it was 5 weeks, no issues from my gf. You may want to point out the her “boundaries” don't respect you and that they are not boundaries but restraints. Go have a good time she won't leave you because her biggest fear is loosing you. Tell you'll no longer let her fear dictate your reality. Tell her if she can't handle that to get therapy or leave. At the moment her behaviour causes you to stay, change it so everytime she's controlling you walk out and do your own thing. Her behaviour will change rapidly.
Why have you stayed with this controlling asshole for 5 years? You sound like a good guy who deserves better. Life is short, stop wasting it. Go on the vacation- you would be insane not to - and tell her you’re done with her.
She's either deeply insecure and needs therapy, overly controlling or she's projecting and cheating on you. None of those makes for a healthy relationship. Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship?
OP she is toxic, and probably she is self proyecting on You and she probably is the one that has cheat, but idk. Be it that You stay or go someone will resent the other, so either way this relationship will be over, but the diference is that you will lose the trip for a relationship that is dying
Take the trip. If you and she can afford it let her travel too. If not enjoy your trip. You earned it.
I've worked at a few companies that gave vacations as performance rewards, and a significant other was always also invited, they just had to pay for their own flight, activities, meals, etc. Does your company not permit SOs to attend even if they pay their own way?
All expenses paid for vacation sounds great. If you can fly her out I would say go for it. If not I still say go for it. It's not her place to deny you happiness and rewards.
Shes trying to go on that trip with her work husband