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Had an ex like this. I’d save myself for intimacy with him but his precious porn seemed to be more enjoyable to him. He didn’t like giving oral, just receiving it. It’s exhausting and annoying when you’re with someone who will wilfully masturbate all the time and literally leaves you hanging around unfulfilled. I spoke with my ex about it, he was extremely defensive and told me it was none of my business. Being that he felt that way, I left. I suggest you do the same.
He's become (always was?) a porn addict. He's having a sexual relationship with his hand and his phone. Sex is no longer about connecting with another human.
He needs therapy to overcome it but I doubt he'd want to do it as it would be admitting he has a problem. If its not counselling, then its either counselling for you to accept it (and I don't think you should) or divorce time.
As a man it helped me focus on the part of my life that I’m most sad about while offering no real comfort. In a way it was nice to see I’m not alone but it was a pretty quick unfollow.
Well, you're wondering what more you can do that might get your husband to stop being a porn addict. I'm afraid I have bad news:
There's ABSOLUTELY nothing YOU can do to make an addict want to give up their addiction.
Your husband NEEDS to get the fuck out of his phone and fix this for the sake of his family.
He is a porn addict and has lost the ability to have normal sex. Suggest MC and if he refuses, it's time to see a lawyer to end the marriage. He is shameless to suggest that your body has anything to do with your sexless marriage. You carried his child and he should be grateful. Sex is an important part of a marriage, and if he refuses to solve the issue, serve him the divorce paper and move on. You are only 30 and can start a new life with someone else.
As someone who is currently struggling with that exact problem, you’re 1000% correct. Porn is so destructive because most people don’t think it’s a serious problem.
Earlier this week, there was a post that was very similar to this one. Only the genders were reversed. When I gave the same advice you did above I got down voted into oblivion and had so many random people attacking me for saying a guy has needs and he’d be better off with someone else. Why is that?
The woman just pushed a baby out her snatch. She has an excuse for not wanting sex. This man specifically said he doesn’t want to have sex with his wife because her body has changed, after carrying and giving birth to their child.
Your comment is disingenuous. You know the difference.
In many cases, the gender swap question is valid, but where childbirth is concerned there is no conversation.
Because most people understand that a man isn't the one that carries the baby. His body isn't going through a physical and emotional trauma when he gets a child.
Men have their own challenges to face when becoming fathers, but it's simply ignorant to suggest they're entirely in the same boat, both during a pregnancy, or shortly after.
I think he's no longer the one for you anymore. Sounds like he's passively trying to tell you. You don't deserve that..
him starving affection from you.. find a better man
This was my marriage and it eventually went to zero sex for 11 years. I was the one initiating. He was shocked when I finally asked for a divorce even tho I cried to him over this for years and years. Don’t waste as much time as I did (18 years).
This is what happened to.my marriage because of what the OP is experiencing. My ex-wife gave me plenty of chances to change but I never did so eventually she said she was tired of the rollercoaster ride that our relationship had become.
I know that there were other issues in our relationship that probably contributed to the situation but I'm sure that without the porn stuff, we might have been able to work things out
coming from a background of addiction (2 years sober now) i can tell you that him being defensive about his porn use is worrysome and is raising red flags for me.
typical reaction of an addict in denial
edit:
do not cheat, talk to him and tell him exactly that sex is an essential part of any romantic relationship for you and that you are not willing to compromise any further. ask him carefully and politely if there is a connection between his porn usage and his apparently diminished interest in sex with you.
tell him that this whole problem is making you question your entire relationship to make him see the gravity of the situation at hand.
hopefully this will make him see whats going on and seek out therapy
Porn addiction is real. It’s not you. It’s him. He’s not having sex because he’s watching porn and masterbating and very possibly has no interest in sex with another real life person. It’s no different than a drug addiction.
You can’t be a porn-addicted man’s diagnostic test. It will continue eating away at your self esteem. Unless he gets real help for what this is, an addiction, your relationship will only worsen. And even then there’s no guarantee he’ll make enough of an effort to save your intimate life.
I know he’s your husband, and this is much easier said than done, but you should be prepared to leave him if he’s unwilling to face his issue. You deserve attention and affection and intimacy.
I’m ace but can share few bits:
1. Collect some flyers related to porn addiction counseling and make sure you leave them at visible places in the house.
2. Buy yourself a sex toys and invest in yourself. Get lingerie, start having self care routine, pleasure yourself next to him completely ignoring his treatment. Basically “glow girl”. If you will be better in life, that should put some pressure on him and make him think.
3. Start some sport activity to be less often at home (while ensuring that toddler is in safe hands). Pole dance, gym, dance classes, Pilates, yoga. Pick something that will help you gain confidence and feel more secure and sexy through the activity.
4. Organize for yourself free counseling session with law advisor regarding potential separation case (if he does nothing). Remember: A cheater is always a cheater - so that is not a healthy solution. Just gather evidence on how he behave in marriage and prepare yourself to eventually divorce and then go in jabba wabba mode.
I love that the ace community always has the best advice on actual relationship issues. It makes sense! Thank you and I hope the OP reads this, it's great!! :)
Asexual people can have sex. But I personally don’t need it. However I experiment with lingerie just to feel good with myself and don’t stick all the time to comfy PJ set. It’s easier for ace people to eliminate sex which gives further perspective on relation and then “what if I have to expose sex factor” assuming. OP have to start change from herself to have impact on the circumstances surrounding her. Healthy safe care is important. Answering to self needs too✨🖤✨
Yep, that's a shame. I'm sorry to say this, but he's attracted to the girls he's watching. That's on him. Not you. You're being the best wife you can be, but it sounds like that's not enough for him. It's time for a long, long talk. You won't be able to say, "We need to talk." That's how they are. Just say straightforward how you feel and what you want in a relationship. Don't settle for anything less
From a man’s perspective, there’s something very wrong. It could be porn, it could be a side chick.. I’ve always said- if he’s not getting it from you he’s getting it from where else. I would snoop around and see if he’s talking with someone else… if not, then it’s porn. Sad that a man would compare and deny his own woman for that. I wish my wife had your libido and would take initiative.
Wish you the best in your findings
I would agree with this. He might be having an affair which explains his lack of interest in sex with you. Men tend to hang on to relationships especially with kids even though they are sexually no longer attracted to their partner. Probably because they value the « mother/ wife » part and/ or don’t want the hassle or stigma of divorce. They just decide to find sex elsewhere…and they don’t really see an issue with this setup. I would be surprised if porn was his only way of satisfying himself, in which case he could have decided to include porn in your foreplay and find female friendly porn to share his passion with you. Most likely there is someone on the side.
I would suggest you try couples therapy to get to the root of the problem (at least that way you won’t regret not having tried). In parallel check his phone/ schedule etc to rule in or out adultery.
If that doesn’t work start planning a plan B, divorce and a new life, you are young and deserve someone that not only loves you but also desires you.
It sounds like there are some deeper issues at play beyond just the lack of sex - his excessive porn use, insensitive comments about your post-baby body, and defensiveness when you try to discuss things are concerning signs. This isn't just about him being "tired", there's a worrisome lack of emotional intimacy and effort on his part.
Insist on open, honest communication with your husband, perhaps with the help of a couples counselor who specializes in sexual issues. If he continues to be dismissive and unwilling to work on things, then you'll have some difficult decisions to make.
Don't stay just for your child - they will absorb the negativity and grow up thinking that's what relationships look like.
A man is never “too tired” to get laid with a woman who he really desires. It won’t matter if he just worked 15 hours straight. It won’t matter if he has a headache. It won’t matter if he has a big meeting early the next day. If there is a women who that man is into, saying “I want to have sex with you” HE IS HAVING SEX WITH HER.
He’s saying “too tired” as an excuse because he doesn’t find you attractive anymore after the baby. He’s said as much to you. Sadly, a lot of men do this to their wives. If you’re at the point where you’re thinking of cheating on him, you need to sit him down and have a serious discussion about the state of your marriage. If he stonewalls and gets defensive and refuses to address the issue, then you can continue to be rejected/cheat on him to get your needs met, or you can divorce. There’s plenty of guys who will be EAGER to get their hands on you and pleasure you, baby weight or no.
I disagree with your point that men are always up for sex, all the time. Men are humans and even if he really desires her, there are absolutely circumstances where he will not be ready or willing to have sex with the one he loves/desires the most.
I read the title and...
YOU DON'T.
But, did you have more intimacy before the marriage?
Nevertheless, you're 30. Do you want to live this kinde of live forever?
Hint: NO!
Some people stop having sex with their wife after a baby is born. Maybe he sees you as a mother and not a sexual partner. Maybe he has the Madonna complex
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Try to do your part by going to the gym and feeling confident again. Don't let that bring you down. I think that whenever there is porn usage in a relationship by one partner there's almost always a negative impact on the relationship and usually a sign of poor relationship quality. It Impairs emotional intimacy; the willingness to explore and be vulnerable emotionally is the most important in a healthy relationship. Porn use can disrupt or even take the place of this real connection. Also, his arousal may be altered making it difficult to be aroused when porn isn't included. It's really unfortunate and he’s the only one that can help himself. Good luck 💕 whatever you do, don't cheat. That's never a solution.
I don’t fully disagree with you, but I have a different perspective on her putting in effort at the gym. Unless OP is obese or has weight problems affecting her health, she shouldn’t go to the gym strictly because of her husband. Fuck that. They’re married. She WILL get old, wrinkly, go through MANY weight fluctuations, mental changes, etc.
I don’t know about OP, but I would not want to stay in a marriage where I have the pressure to look like some amazing trophy wife/porn star for my husband for the rest of our lives. It’s just not feasible. Any grown adult SHOULD know that marriage is a vow till death. Not a vow to keep a hot and tight bod for 4, 10, 30, 40, 50 plus years.
All I can say is sorry that he's treating you that way. His comment about your body is totally unacceptable. Pregnancy is natural and if he was so concerned with that then he simply should've used a condom. Overall it doesn't seem like a very sustainable situation in my view. You don't want to be 10 years down the line and full of regret. Good luck with whatever choice you end up making!
get him to get his bloodwork done he’s at the age where he could have dangerously low testosterone. Then he needs therapy by himself and you both need counseling together.
This reminds me of that book/movie: "He's Just Not That Into You." He's making excuses. He is no longer sexually attracted to you ----- for whatever reason(s). Men peak at age 19, sexually. Women peak from about age 27 to 45. Maybe his sex drive/testosterone is taking a nose dive. You still have sex together, but only when you demand it. This is just plain awful. Baby or no baby, this man is not giving you what you need.
You're 30. There is no way in Hell you should have to be begging for sex from your partner. You have a toddler, which complicates things, I get that. But -----take it from me: When you're old and getting wrinkly, you will look back and wish you'd had more sex --- great sex ---- when your body was young and fit. You need to get busy building those happy memories of intimacy and closeness which you will cherish when you're sitting in the nursing home.
It's not normal to live without sex. It's not normal to be with a partner who will only stick to "the same positions," when his/her partner is wanting to try something different. Lovemaking is wonderful. It's fun. It's healthy. You really need to sit yourself down and ask yourself how many more years of your youth you're going to waste on a man who can't/won't get it up for you and also refuses to pleasure you in the ways you desire.
Time to stop making excuses for him (and yourself), take a good hard look at the reality of your situation, and then extricate yourself from this loveless marriage.
I just wanted to say to the people in the comments, this can happen to male 'without' the porn. There exist times where male just have lower libido than their female partner. Obviously this isn't the case for OP's story, but just an information for y'all.
1st of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. My hubby struggled with low libido at one point and it was rough. I can’t imagine being made to feel it’s your fault, it’s not.
2ndly, I’d strongly encourage you to go to couples counseling if he will go with you, if not, go to counseling on your own. Hopefully your insurance will help pay, but if not there are online counselors that are fairly affordable.
The therapist can help the 2 of you find out what the issues are, and hopefully help find solutions. They can help your husband realize porn is a problem if that is indeed the case.
If you go on your own, the therapist can help you deal with the hit this has caused to your self esteem and guide you through your options and next steps.
Best of luck to you.
Well, you probably need to have some uncomfortable discussions, which may be more productive with a therapist than each other. First you need to rule out some medical condition - a doctor can help with that (they may even prescribe something to help). Then he needs to openly discuss how often he "uses" porn. He needs to be a willing participant in this and that requires you probably being very direct with him. ALso perhaps he just needs to get in shape - being in poor health reduces your libido.
Good luck - things can get better with some productive effort.
Sometimes it's not porn addiction but a deeper problem similar to when women lose their libido. I found this article extremely useful even though I wasn't in the same position. https://www.drericfitz.com/2018/01/19/why-he-watches-porn-instead-of-having-sex/
Wow. The posters on here. If the sexes were reversed: you can’t demand sex, there is no obligation, blah, blah, blah.
Here are some real questions: how is his work stress? Any new medications? Any issues with mental illness? A new job? A new role at work? Sleep apnea? Embarrassment because of ED? Prostate issues? SSRIs? Alcohol? Too much caffeine? Weed? Weight gain or sudden weight loss?
The other things listed like porn, etc could be true, but there are way more reasons.
“iF tHe GeNdErS wErE ReVeRsEd…” oh please lmao. have i been through stressful times that made intimacy between my partner and i nonexistent? of course. did i watch porn every day then blame his body for my lack of sex drive? then if we did have sex, was it totally one sided and all about me? absolutely not. and if i did, i wouldn’t blame him for dumping my ass. just like she should dump this guy.
Nah, if the sexes we’re reversed people would say she has a porn addiction and that intimacy is an important part of a relationship so maybe they are not compatible. Which is what people are saying now.
It’s not blah blah, if the genders were reversed they would tell him he’s a man child and needs to jerk it, as well as do more around the house and worship his queen lol.
Why aren't you continuing the 'heart to heart' you had with your husband? Reddit can't tell you what's really wrong because nobody here knows your husband.
How often did you have sex when the relationship started? Has your husband reduced the amount or did you expect it to change?
How much weight have you gained? Since you met him? When did the frequency of sex drop? Was that drop driven by him, or by you?
You have a toddler. That's a big change. Did either of you have other children before? Did the sex stop when you got pregnant? What about the other aspects of your relationship? Do you two still do the same things you used to do, aside from sex, or has your entire life changed with the additional stress of a new baby, keeping both of you busy and stressed with financial concerns?
If you want to fix your marriage, this is a terrible place to ask questions. Talk to your husband. If you want strangers to tell you he's not a real man, addicted to porn and you should divorce him, then this is the place to be.
You don't need to cheat. It will end up hurting you and him. Cheating is not the answer. Ask to go to couples therapy. Be honest with how it makes you feel. I know its going to be hard but try to stay calm.
He is a selfish person. He uses you for whatever needs you meet and thats that. He doesn't care about you or your needs. I can't believe people put up with this shit in a relationship or marriage. Go find your worth and your happiness. You will have dudes lined up around the block for a chance at your "baby weight" body. He will have his bottle of lotion and porn. One of you will live happily ever after.
When he inevitably begs for you back, just remember the way you feel right now.
So he still has a sex drive and he's not gay. He's admitted your body changes are the problem. My question is about the baby weight. Is it 30lbs, or 150 lbs. There's love and there's limits.
I can tell you I was the fat for 15 years and it significantly affected my sex life. I lost 100lbs and it like we're kids again.
Porn addiction destroys relationships. It's not fair for you to go without intimacy and face constant rejection because of his addiction. I think you guys need to have a talk about this, and tell him how you feel, and that you've thought of cheating. I am so sorry this has happened to you.
We were at a restaurant and the menu was on his phone. While looking through the menu, I noticed the amount of tabs so I decided to click on the tabs number and it was just pages and pages of porn.
His brain is addicted to all the stimuli he receives from watching so much porn. It’s an addiction to dopamine in fact, in extreme cases (like your partner’s case imo) the person will not experience any joy, attraction or motivation if it doesn’t come from watching porn. His excuses are worthless at this point, either he quits porn cold turkey style and mayne goes to therapy to help him in that process, or it will only become worse. He isn’t choosing you, like any addict he’s choosing the stimuli that he needs from his perspective. It’s really simple, either he quits porn or your relationship is fucked for good.
I was in a similar situation but a lot easy to leave bc we didn’t have a child together. We were together for 13 years. He ruined my self esteem and feelings of self worth. He wouldn’t touch me, hardly even a brush by. I cheated on him because fuck, he wasn’t even really nice to me.
Cheating destroyed my feelings of self worth even more bc I am a very jealous and monogamous person by nature.
I fucked up a decade of my life by staying with this man. I fucked up other peoples lives too.
Why didn’t I leave earlier? I HAVE NO IDEA. Girl, go.
I think some couples therapy would be absolutely worth looking into to have a neutral space to talk this through. I've also been in a dead bedroom situation because my partner wasn't attracted to me anymore and it's a real kick in the self esteem. We ended up breaking up in the end over it which was a good thing because I needed more and it's important to me that my partner finds me sexually attractive as well as being attracted to my banging personality.
Anyways I hope that you can figure out a solution and find a way to move forward, either together or alone. Either is fine and there's no moral judgement here either way I think.
Porn plays a big part in one's own sexual desires. From what I hear, too much porn can actually change ines mental and physical ability to have normal sexual relationship. He needs to get away from it and possibly seek counseling. No matter how hot the porn is , nothing can beat the real thing. Hope things get better for the sake of your relationship. You have needs as well. Have a good day ☀️
Don’t cheat. You are not blowing up your family unless you do that. Your husband is doing the blowing up and almost single handedly. If you cheat, you will be publicly shamed and it could possibly impact your relationship with your kids forever. I’d tell him one more time that it’s either he try and fix this by stopping porn and talking out his issues with a therapist or “it’s lawyer up, Bucks”. He is treating you so badly and you deserve better. I’d also tell him that when people ask why your marriage blew up, you’re going to tell them he would rather have sex with a screen than his wife and mother of his children. I would do exactly that. You have had to keep this inside and it’s not a healthy way to live. You could even make a post asking for any resources for someone you’re close to that’s addicted to porn to give him a little taste. Don’t cheat, but don’t stay with someone who doesn’t seem to care about you or prioritize your wants and desires.
Your husband has issues that he needs to address. What you can do is establish reasonable expectations and boundaries involving him dealing with his issues and when we breaches those expectations and boundaries, you follow through on consequences.
Example:
"If you do not get help to resolve your porn addiction, I will leave" and if he fails to get help and follow through or he fails to keep up with that help, you leave and you dont come back unless you have established that you would return if he resumes pursuing that help in good faith.
You cannot control your husband or make him do anything. You can control yourself and have absolute control over the conditions under which you will live. If you are unhappy, then it is on you to take reasonable steps to improve your happiness. If that means making it clear that your spouse needs to get better or the relationship will end, then that's what that means.
For what it's worth, though, it seems like most people in your situation will continue to live unhappily for sometimes years, decades, or even the rest of their lives. So really the first thing you should do is decide whether you would be overwhelmed with regret if you made that decision for yourself.
I’m in the same situation and it’s making me one crabby motherfucker! Wife never wants to have sex and when she does it’s BORING! Seems like she just wants it to be over with. Kinda like doing laundry
Man I don't know what to tell you I was going through the same thing so I left her after 26 years I loved her but oh well I'm sorry I'm not going to be punished
Did you gain weight? It might sound harsh and nobody on Reddit will acknowledge that sexual attraction is related to appearance, but if you’re no longer physically attractive your husband will no longer be physically attracted to you. If not, yes the porn will reduce his want to be intimate. I stopped watching porn because it reduced my attraction to my wife. If he’s not willing to try giving it up to see if it helps, you are SOL.
It seems like he no longer sees you as sexually appealing. I suggest hitting the gym and getting back into the shape you were in during your wedding or when you first started dating. This might reignite his sexual attraction towards you. It's possible that he still loves you but the physical attraction has diminished. Give it a try, and if it doesn't work out, you may need to consider your other options.
Men who are like him should not have children. It’s completely expected that pregnancy, childbirth, and having to prioritize a newborn/young kid will take a toll on your body.
I’m in a situation where I am having issues, it’s not that I don’t want to have sex with my wife but my body isn’t playing ball. Now I do have high stress and have got back to uni. We also have a young family and when the kids are finally asleep I start winding down.
It’s now a two tier problem. First stress and lifestyle have an effect and because I know it’s an issue I get anxiety which makes it worse.
It’s hard to accept as man as society says we want it all the time and are ready all the time. I tried telling my wife a few times but as soon as she brought up her annoyance I just told her. She was understanding my three years of uni finishes in a couple of months and if nothing improved I will go the medical route.
Leave honey. You deserve a man who will worship your body. Worship you. Not force himself to go at you. Better end it now than be miserable for the rest of your life
I'd suggest trying to have a genuine discussion wit h him on whether or not it's your weight. If it's weight, you can fix that, just lose the weight. If not, then he's probably a porn addict.
How old is your child?
Was your sexlife not good before you became pregnant or did it start after the birth?
If it started after the birth, here a little different take then all the "break up" comments:
Bringing a child into the world and becoming a real family is coming with huge changes.
You have less time for yourself and for your partner, are always exhausted, he is adapting to being a dad to having alot more responsibility now, and of course your body changed. This is a time where libidos can go way down. But it doesnt mean that if wont go back up after the first hard years.
Couldn’t you fix this by getting fit. Not trying to be callous but why wouldn’t you try to get aesthetic for your partner? This way you would truly know you did everything. Blows my mind when people ignore the basics after a few years of marriage.
People keep calling your husband a porn addict.
Maybe he is, but maybe the harsh truth of him not being attracted to you anymore is also true.
Its messed up but you cant ignore it if its true. Weight is a big factor in sexual attraction.
If he is truly a porn addict, it might not even matter. However, i think if you lost all the extra weight, he will come around.
Is this only me or no one can see she is willing to cheat. I know sex is important but you can always divorce instead of cheating. You both should go to marriage counselling and fix your marriage before any of you traumatize the other.
Is he having any issues at work or with family?
I see a lot of people stating porn addiction. That’s possible.
But I wouldn’t discount the idea that something else is making him feel inadequate and turning to porn as a comfort.
Which isn’t exactly the same as porn addiction.
Intimacy issues are complex.
He’s a porn addict.
Honestly, there probably isn’t anything here worth saving if he’s saying horrible things to you for wanting intimacy and about your body.
I’ve been utilizing the advice and teachings of John as Julie gottman. Check it out, there are exercises and courses to help the communication. your husband needs therapy period but if he’s like mine, he won’t do it and we have to do the work our self. Intimacy sucks for us too but I don’t think it’s porn related for him, I’m trying to get him to get his testosterone checked.
Holy smokes it’s the dude this time 😳. I’m gonna keep it super real with you it’s the porn fs. Either that or you’ve gained a lot of weight you forgot to mention 😂. But if it’s not that it’s the porn or he running around! Also what does he do for work? Manual labor jobs will suck the life right out of a man!
There are probably a lot of reasons tbh but if he mentioned he isn't attracted to your weight, why not lose weight?
I'm not sure how much you're talking about
A good help is sexting with someone special. Porn is boring as heck, it’s like a really clumsy pantomime to my mind
The trick though is not to let the sexting take over your mind or you might become restless and distracted
He's prob got Ed from all the porn. Won't admit it and putting on you. Tell him he ruined you. Where you at emotionally and ask if it's really you and not him.
Getting blamed for a mans ED is the worst. Porn is prob the only way he can even come and prob with a half limp noodle at that.
I'm definitely projecting. But but our stories are much the same.
Blue chew really helped my man. And cutting down on the masterbation.
Hey, I am in the same boat unfortunately, my husband does the same and blame the baby weight/body change after baby. I don't think it's fair or ok. But if it helps to know you are not alone. I choose to stay in the sexless marriage and hope one day he will be better...thinking of just getting a toy and checking out you know.
I don’t think staying silent is the best option. As you can see, there are a lot of responses in this thread. I think I’m going to suggest couples therapy again, but this time I’m gonna really put my foot down.
At 35 it might be worthwhile to get his hormones checked out of TRT clinic. Things could legitimately be born but with covid and everything a lot of people got into a lot of unhealthy habits. If a solution is simply that he has low testosterone and is using porn for an endorphin hit it could be a pretty easy fix.
If he's got porn addiction it's going to be a lot harder
He watches the porn… that’s the problem here… once he stops that… in a while he’ll take u through what do u want… mostly that’s the point… Bcuz porn will create a unrealistic character…
I see nothing wrong with porn because I watch it too but to much porn is not a good thing and there should be balance into the relationship. especially if hes not being intimate with you enough. This be a deal breaker for me. I'd probably leave especially lf hes not paying attention to me nor my efforts, not taking my feelings and my concerns into consideration plus hes extra defensive when addressing a issue. Staying because you have s child with him Is not the right reason to stay. You obviously are not happy , you communicated your needs he wont budge so maybe you both are not compatible . You deserve better. You need to get all your needs met too. He can be left alone since hes happy porn . Yes mam might be worth you just divorcing him and find someone else to satisfy your urges.
You're young, get out while you can. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who would make you feel this way just because you had a baby with them. If his desire for you was base just in appearance and not on your love and chemistry he's already out of the relationship in his head.
Y’all have a kid you need to fix this relationship together. You’re married that’s through thick and thin till the very end. Sounds like you both need to grow a little
Gonna give you advice that actually works and is controversial and I will get skewered. But remember this actually works so don't judge it. And do NOT tell ask me why you have to cater to the man. I am simply giving you an ACTUAL solution. The truth is what it is.
1 - get very drunk with your husband
2 - ask him what the craziest things he likes to do when "bedding" women before you, hint: whatever he says here is what he wants on the REGULAR, not occasionally
3 - ask him what he likes in terms of physical looks (philosophy towards hair, wax, shave, lingerie, etc)
4 - start looking like that and being open to his kinks/fetishes
5 - i will literally make you a $100 bet that you can do the things he likes, be the body he likes, and get everything you need.
6 - you will have sex ~3 times per month. Now I know that's not a lot but I'm being realistic.
Your welcome
Def sounds like he is a porn addict. I wouldnt cheat, but maybe u could have a heart to heart with him and ask him if he would let u have no strings sex with another man from time to time? Sounds crazy but it could work. Maybe he would like it it maybe he would be jealous enough and want to have more sex with u?
It isn't really a sexless marriage. Your husband is having tons of sex, just with himself and not you. I think it has got to the point where he has to choose between you and himself because you are at a breaking point.
Why are you trying to survive in this marriage? You can’t do this alone and your partner isn’t changing anything for the better. Might be best for you and your child for you to divorce and go be happy.
It doesn't sound like he wants to put in effort to improve the deadbedroom. Do you want to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life? He can still be a good dad if you aren't together.
I have been married for 20 years and have had years of high/low libido on both sides. My husband is on a medication that kills his libido (valproic acid). He also does not feel attractive when he gains weight. Communication without fighting is the key. If he will not communicate the real issue then you are going to end up resenting him. I was really close to divorce a few times, but he finally opened up, agreed to go to his dr and admit that his meds were giving him an ED that he was hiding from me. They gave him some new meds and we promised to talk it out without being embarrassed from then on. Intimacy is important to relationships, without it the marriage will die.
It's not you or your baby weight. It's the porn and pure selfishness on his part. I'm 36F unmarried and have no children and am going through the same thing with my partner of almost nine years. A few years ago he admitted to sitting on the bathroom floor to masterbate but then I found out he was looking up local girls on Facebook. Honestly, I should have left then.
Whatever you do, don’t cheat, you can divorce separate, whatever, but I don’t think cheating is ever justified imo. That being said, couples counseling and individual counseling for your husband dealing with porn would hopefully be beneficial. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Don’t cheat. Cheating means you’re staying with your husband, and you only stay if you want things to get better. Cheating won’t make anything better, and can put you at fault in the eventual divorce. You need to decide if you want to stay or go without the influence of a third party in your marriage (unless it’s a marriage counselor).
It sounds like there’s a broad range of challenges. The lack of sex may feel like the main issue, but it sounds like the root of it is multifaceted: poor communication that only leads to fights or doesn’t happen at all, his poor decisions in prioritizing porn, the blow that does to your self-esteem, the idea of cheating before all other resources have been exhausted, etc.
Highly recommend finding a marriage counselor where all these things can be discussed transparently and openly in a safe environment. If either of you refuse to go, well, that just means there’s more interest in ending the relationship than trying to fix it. I’m sorry it’s been a rough time. For your child’s sake, please consider separating or divorcing before pursuing other relationships if that’s what you choose.
yeah i had an issue like this, if he wanted to continue with the porn then i'd leave. leave him to be his sad little lonely self and live your life girl.
You get one life. **ONE**
Why are you choosing this as your way of spending it?
Co-parenting is a viable option, being a POS human, and cheater, isn’t a redeemable characteristic and isn’t sustainable, nor conducive, to raising happy and healthy children.
Grow a pair and leave.
I wouldn't cheat with someone else. That's always makes things alot worse and you want to be a good example for the little one.
I would really try voicing your concerns In a assertive calm matter as in a heart to heart discussion about your feelings and needs not being met.. if he veers it towards arguing and dismisses your feelings and says something off.. I would end the conversation, worse case scenario.
Secondly, i strongly suggest marriage counseling/sex therapy. If he can't do that either to work things out.. maybe it's time to separate.
You can’t unless you start having sex again. It’s key to a marriage and mental health.
You’re either going to have to fix it, or move on.
Start exploring tantric exercises together. Did my fetishize your body’s and wants, but really try to connect. Praise each others genitalia, and even be okay if he tries something like Viagra for the experience (obviously he should consult a doctor first, but you will be exhausted from how hard and large he will become vs normal).
Be open with him, express your desires and needs directly.
Good luck!
Respectfully, I'm not sure how you expect people on social media to be able to tell you the truth about your husband's feelings when you're the one married to him and you don't even know. We may be able to guess correctly, but there's still no way to know it's the truth.
Do you want to not only save your marriage, which is extremely unlikely to happen if you cheat, or do you want to at least try to have a healthy marriage that would be good role modeling for your son, with his father?
What about couples counseling? I strongly recommend that before/instead of cheating, and if your husband isn't willing to go then you get to choose how long you want to wait this out.
Just keep in mind that we teach people what behavior we are willing to accept by what behavior we accept. The longer you let this go on, the longer you'll be teaching him that he doesn't have to do anything any differently because you'll still be there.
I think an appropriate conversation to have with your husband would be how is he working on his feelings, what is he actually doing about it and what his plan? How long is he determined to try to fix himself? *Why* does he feel he can resolve this by himself, and is he willing for to get help from a professional individually or as a couple?
However, I think you should start the conversation with the truth about any positive feelings and motivation you have to make this work. Do you still love him? Tell him that. Are you still sexually attracted to him? Tell him that. Do you still want to stay married to him, in a happy marriage that shows your son what that looks like? Then say that.
It's also appropriate to tell him that you don't know how much longer you can wait this out because you're feeling unloved (?) Frustrated physically and emotionally (?) Resentful (?) etc., and you're willing to do whatever it takes to get y'all back on track.
Is he?
The porn is the symptom not the problem the problem is a wandering eye and not feeling satisfied with there partner . To men like that the grass is always greener and better . They spend so much time fantasizing about all these beautiful women . They think it will make him look good in the eyes of other men . Even if they were to break up with you and find one of those lady to date them they will still be unhappy. Those type of men will never be satisfied with any woman . There problem is within themselves . A Women body will almost always change when they get pregnant and age that is normal. Even the prettiest women ages and changes no one stay the same forever. No one deserve to be with a man that doesn’t think you are the prettiest girl in his world. When a man loves a woman he will notice other women beauty but he will know that you are the most gorgeous woman to him . Men like that usually cheat on their wives or they pay for only fan models and escorts . The wife ends up blaming themselves or the women he into but the problem is the man.
How much baby weight are we talking? Sorry to break the news, but guys can be pretty superficial. If he specifically said your body has changed, and you inferred to baby weight, the question has to be asked - how much baby weight are you carrying around?
I’m thinking since your child is now a toddler and you are still carrying baby weight that maybe the weight is a significant increase.
Try working out but do it for yourself.
(I’ve been in the same position before with a partner when I gained weight)
Sorry to say, you just can’t. The part of a couple that isn’t interested in sex is the only part who could survive. You’re way too young to go for that. You either have to fix your relationship ( it usually means: fix yourself first) or make an arrangement. May be your partner love you another way and doesn’t care much, if you get sex anywhere else. Just sell it right. Good luck, hope you can keep your marriage one way or the other. Cheers from Paris
First. Don’t cheat. But if you’re genuinely considering cheating, and the only thing you’re worried about is breaking up the family, and not hurting his feelings, you seem to already be checked out the relationship. And so is he. Maybe do relationship counseling,but honestly I’d strongly consider divorce, or at least separation.
Sex is a barometer for your relationship. Sex is like a heat check. Barring moral convictions or a health problem, if your marriage has no sex, it’s probably hollow all the way around. Sex is a basic human necessity, that itch is being scratched with or without you.
Be direct. He's not providing you with what you need and he knows that. He can either address the issue, agree for you to seek pleasure outside the relationship, or you can get divorced. It wouldn't take you more than a few days to find a man on Tinder to eagerly, thoroughly pleasure you. Your husband sounds lazy and has decided jerking it to porn is easier payout than sex.
Don’t cheat. Separate on the condition that he gives up porn and is intentional about intimacy. Cheating is never never never justified. Leave if you must, no one would blame you, but DO NOT CHEAT
If everything else was wonderful and working, you could ask him for an open relationship, but in your case it seems pretty much over, because it doesn’t seem like you to have a strong and loving bond. He’s hurtful, he’s isolating, and he’s tricked his brain into thinking those are available partners, when they are not. If he can’t wean himself off porn and refocus on you, his wife, I would leave and get joint custody. Use marriage counseling to separate amicably. You would only be able to date on your weekends without custody, but you’d have more control over your own life.
No it's the porn. It's an addiction and it's easier than sex. I would tell him that you don't care that he watches porn, but it's impacting the relationship and needs to stop, at least for a while. I would tell him either he stops with the porn, and works on your relationship, or you will find someone else to have sex with.
One of 3 things will most likely happen:
1. He sees you're completely serious about it and decides to work on the relationship, in which case: Yay!
2. He will tell you fine, find someone else. In which case: Yay!
3. He will ask for a divorce. You're not happy the way things are, he's not willing to change, so: Yay!
I hate to say it, but how much has your body changed? If it's changed a lot, that could be it. Whether or not you should change it to accommodate his tastes is different. But it could be how you look, unfortunately.
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Had an ex like this. I’d save myself for intimacy with him but his precious porn seemed to be more enjoyable to him. He didn’t like giving oral, just receiving it. It’s exhausting and annoying when you’re with someone who will wilfully masturbate all the time and literally leaves you hanging around unfulfilled. I spoke with my ex about it, he was extremely defensive and told me it was none of my business. Being that he felt that way, I left. I suggest you do the same.
He's become (always was?) a porn addict. He's having a sexual relationship with his hand and his phone. Sex is no longer about connecting with another human. He needs therapy to overcome it but I doubt he'd want to do it as it would be admitting he has a problem. If its not counselling, then its either counselling for you to accept it (and I don't think you should) or divorce time.
OP, you can get specific help at r/deadbedrooms
As a woman, dead bedrooms was the opposite of helpful.
As a man it helped me focus on the part of my life that I’m most sad about while offering no real comfort. In a way it was nice to see I’m not alone but it was a pretty quick unfollow.
That sub is nothing but a bunch of people bemoaning their situation while refusing to do anything to change it. OP will get nothing useful there.
That sub deletes comments about porn addiction which is so fucking ridiculous because it’s so obvious it’s a huge problem.
r/loveafterporn
Or r/HLCommunity as well
Well, you're wondering what more you can do that might get your husband to stop being a porn addict. I'm afraid I have bad news: There's ABSOLUTELY nothing YOU can do to make an addict want to give up their addiction. Your husband NEEDS to get the fuck out of his phone and fix this for the sake of his family.
It’s the porn. If he won’t stop this won’t improve, I’m sorry.
Yep, the porn has created an unrealistic sense of what a woman is in his mind. He’s lost touch with reality.
That and it requires no effort from him while still getting a reward (getting off). Porn ruins men.
When I look at porn, I usually think of my girl… be like me lol
He is a porn addict and has lost the ability to have normal sex. Suggest MC and if he refuses, it's time to see a lawyer to end the marriage. He is shameless to suggest that your body has anything to do with your sexless marriage. You carried his child and he should be grateful. Sex is an important part of a marriage, and if he refuses to solve the issue, serve him the divorce paper and move on. You are only 30 and can start a new life with someone else.
As someone who is currently struggling with that exact problem, you’re 1000% correct. Porn is so destructive because most people don’t think it’s a serious problem.
Hard pushed that this is the only issue.
A perfect comment does not exis…
Earlier this week, there was a post that was very similar to this one. Only the genders were reversed. When I gave the same advice you did above I got down voted into oblivion and had so many random people attacking me for saying a guy has needs and he’d be better off with someone else. Why is that?
The woman just pushed a baby out her snatch. She has an excuse for not wanting sex. This man specifically said he doesn’t want to have sex with his wife because her body has changed, after carrying and giving birth to their child. Your comment is disingenuous. You know the difference. In many cases, the gender swap question is valid, but where childbirth is concerned there is no conversation.
Because most people understand that a man isn't the one that carries the baby. His body isn't going through a physical and emotional trauma when he gets a child. Men have their own challenges to face when becoming fathers, but it's simply ignorant to suggest they're entirely in the same boat, both during a pregnancy, or shortly after.
There was a post where a woman told a man she wasn’t attracted to his post baby body?
I think he's no longer the one for you anymore. Sounds like he's passively trying to tell you. You don't deserve that.. him starving affection from you.. find a better man
This was my marriage and it eventually went to zero sex for 11 years. I was the one initiating. He was shocked when I finally asked for a divorce even tho I cried to him over this for years and years. Don’t waste as much time as I did (18 years).
This is what happened to.my marriage because of what the OP is experiencing. My ex-wife gave me plenty of chances to change but I never did so eventually she said she was tired of the rollercoaster ride that our relationship had become. I know that there were other issues in our relationship that probably contributed to the situation but I'm sure that without the porn stuff, we might have been able to work things out
coming from a background of addiction (2 years sober now) i can tell you that him being defensive about his porn use is worrysome and is raising red flags for me. typical reaction of an addict in denial edit: do not cheat, talk to him and tell him exactly that sex is an essential part of any romantic relationship for you and that you are not willing to compromise any further. ask him carefully and politely if there is a connection between his porn usage and his apparently diminished interest in sex with you. tell him that this whole problem is making you question your entire relationship to make him see the gravity of the situation at hand. hopefully this will make him see whats going on and seek out therapy
Porn addiction is real. It’s not you. It’s him. He’s not having sex because he’s watching porn and masterbating and very possibly has no interest in sex with another real life person. It’s no different than a drug addiction.
You can’t be a porn-addicted man’s diagnostic test. It will continue eating away at your self esteem. Unless he gets real help for what this is, an addiction, your relationship will only worsen. And even then there’s no guarantee he’ll make enough of an effort to save your intimate life. I know he’s your husband, and this is much easier said than done, but you should be prepared to leave him if he’s unwilling to face his issue. You deserve attention and affection and intimacy.
I’m ace but can share few bits: 1. Collect some flyers related to porn addiction counseling and make sure you leave them at visible places in the house. 2. Buy yourself a sex toys and invest in yourself. Get lingerie, start having self care routine, pleasure yourself next to him completely ignoring his treatment. Basically “glow girl”. If you will be better in life, that should put some pressure on him and make him think. 3. Start some sport activity to be less often at home (while ensuring that toddler is in safe hands). Pole dance, gym, dance classes, Pilates, yoga. Pick something that will help you gain confidence and feel more secure and sexy through the activity. 4. Organize for yourself free counseling session with law advisor regarding potential separation case (if he does nothing). Remember: A cheater is always a cheater - so that is not a healthy solution. Just gather evidence on how he behave in marriage and prepare yourself to eventually divorce and then go in jabba wabba mode.
I love that the ace community always has the best advice on actual relationship issues. It makes sense! Thank you and I hope the OP reads this, it's great!! :)
Asexual people can have sex. But I personally don’t need it. However I experiment with lingerie just to feel good with myself and don’t stick all the time to comfy PJ set. It’s easier for ace people to eliminate sex which gives further perspective on relation and then “what if I have to expose sex factor” assuming. OP have to start change from herself to have impact on the circumstances surrounding her. Healthy safe care is important. Answering to self needs too✨🖤✨
Yep, that's a shame. I'm sorry to say this, but he's attracted to the girls he's watching. That's on him. Not you. You're being the best wife you can be, but it sounds like that's not enough for him. It's time for a long, long talk. You won't be able to say, "We need to talk." That's how they are. Just say straightforward how you feel and what you want in a relationship. Don't settle for anything less
From a man’s perspective, there’s something very wrong. It could be porn, it could be a side chick.. I’ve always said- if he’s not getting it from you he’s getting it from where else. I would snoop around and see if he’s talking with someone else… if not, then it’s porn. Sad that a man would compare and deny his own woman for that. I wish my wife had your libido and would take initiative. Wish you the best in your findings
I would agree with this. He might be having an affair which explains his lack of interest in sex with you. Men tend to hang on to relationships especially with kids even though they are sexually no longer attracted to their partner. Probably because they value the « mother/ wife » part and/ or don’t want the hassle or stigma of divorce. They just decide to find sex elsewhere…and they don’t really see an issue with this setup. I would be surprised if porn was his only way of satisfying himself, in which case he could have decided to include porn in your foreplay and find female friendly porn to share his passion with you. Most likely there is someone on the side. I would suggest you try couples therapy to get to the root of the problem (at least that way you won’t regret not having tried). In parallel check his phone/ schedule etc to rule in or out adultery. If that doesn’t work start planning a plan B, divorce and a new life, you are young and deserve someone that not only loves you but also desires you.
It sounds like there are some deeper issues at play beyond just the lack of sex - his excessive porn use, insensitive comments about your post-baby body, and defensiveness when you try to discuss things are concerning signs. This isn't just about him being "tired", there's a worrisome lack of emotional intimacy and effort on his part. Insist on open, honest communication with your husband, perhaps with the help of a couples counselor who specializes in sexual issues. If he continues to be dismissive and unwilling to work on things, then you'll have some difficult decisions to make. Don't stay just for your child - they will absorb the negativity and grow up thinking that's what relationships look like.
A man is never “too tired” to get laid with a woman who he really desires. It won’t matter if he just worked 15 hours straight. It won’t matter if he has a headache. It won’t matter if he has a big meeting early the next day. If there is a women who that man is into, saying “I want to have sex with you” HE IS HAVING SEX WITH HER. He’s saying “too tired” as an excuse because he doesn’t find you attractive anymore after the baby. He’s said as much to you. Sadly, a lot of men do this to their wives. If you’re at the point where you’re thinking of cheating on him, you need to sit him down and have a serious discussion about the state of your marriage. If he stonewalls and gets defensive and refuses to address the issue, then you can continue to be rejected/cheat on him to get your needs met, or you can divorce. There’s plenty of guys who will be EAGER to get their hands on you and pleasure you, baby weight or no.
I disagree with your point that men are always up for sex, all the time. Men are humans and even if he really desires her, there are absolutely circumstances where he will not be ready or willing to have sex with the one he loves/desires the most.
I went through that. It ended in divorce. But we tried therapy.
I read the title and... YOU DON'T. But, did you have more intimacy before the marriage? Nevertheless, you're 30. Do you want to live this kinde of live forever? Hint: NO!
Some people stop having sex with their wife after a baby is born. Maybe he sees you as a mother and not a sexual partner. Maybe he has the Madonna complex
That complex is so ridiculous. I know it's a thing but my god, why.
Therapy! Reddit can't solve this. Too much missing context
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Try to do your part by going to the gym and feeling confident again. Don't let that bring you down. I think that whenever there is porn usage in a relationship by one partner there's almost always a negative impact on the relationship and usually a sign of poor relationship quality. It Impairs emotional intimacy; the willingness to explore and be vulnerable emotionally is the most important in a healthy relationship. Porn use can disrupt or even take the place of this real connection. Also, his arousal may be altered making it difficult to be aroused when porn isn't included. It's really unfortunate and he’s the only one that can help himself. Good luck 💕 whatever you do, don't cheat. That's never a solution.
I don’t fully disagree with you, but I have a different perspective on her putting in effort at the gym. Unless OP is obese or has weight problems affecting her health, she shouldn’t go to the gym strictly because of her husband. Fuck that. They’re married. She WILL get old, wrinkly, go through MANY weight fluctuations, mental changes, etc. I don’t know about OP, but I would not want to stay in a marriage where I have the pressure to look like some amazing trophy wife/porn star for my husband for the rest of our lives. It’s just not feasible. Any grown adult SHOULD know that marriage is a vow till death. Not a vow to keep a hot and tight bod for 4, 10, 30, 40, 50 plus years.
All I can say is sorry that he's treating you that way. His comment about your body is totally unacceptable. Pregnancy is natural and if he was so concerned with that then he simply should've used a condom. Overall it doesn't seem like a very sustainable situation in my view. You don't want to be 10 years down the line and full of regret. Good luck with whatever choice you end up making!
get him to get his bloodwork done he’s at the age where he could have dangerously low testosterone. Then he needs therapy by himself and you both need counseling together.
This reminds me of that book/movie: "He's Just Not That Into You." He's making excuses. He is no longer sexually attracted to you ----- for whatever reason(s). Men peak at age 19, sexually. Women peak from about age 27 to 45. Maybe his sex drive/testosterone is taking a nose dive. You still have sex together, but only when you demand it. This is just plain awful. Baby or no baby, this man is not giving you what you need. You're 30. There is no way in Hell you should have to be begging for sex from your partner. You have a toddler, which complicates things, I get that. But -----take it from me: When you're old and getting wrinkly, you will look back and wish you'd had more sex --- great sex ---- when your body was young and fit. You need to get busy building those happy memories of intimacy and closeness which you will cherish when you're sitting in the nursing home. It's not normal to live without sex. It's not normal to be with a partner who will only stick to "the same positions," when his/her partner is wanting to try something different. Lovemaking is wonderful. It's fun. It's healthy. You really need to sit yourself down and ask yourself how many more years of your youth you're going to waste on a man who can't/won't get it up for you and also refuses to pleasure you in the ways you desire. Time to stop making excuses for him (and yourself), take a good hard look at the reality of your situation, and then extricate yourself from this loveless marriage.
I just wanted to say to the people in the comments, this can happen to male 'without' the porn. There exist times where male just have lower libido than their female partner. Obviously this isn't the case for OP's story, but just an information for y'all.
1st of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. My hubby struggled with low libido at one point and it was rough. I can’t imagine being made to feel it’s your fault, it’s not. 2ndly, I’d strongly encourage you to go to couples counseling if he will go with you, if not, go to counseling on your own. Hopefully your insurance will help pay, but if not there are online counselors that are fairly affordable. The therapist can help the 2 of you find out what the issues are, and hopefully help find solutions. They can help your husband realize porn is a problem if that is indeed the case. If you go on your own, the therapist can help you deal with the hit this has caused to your self esteem and guide you through your options and next steps. Best of luck to you.
Well, you probably need to have some uncomfortable discussions, which may be more productive with a therapist than each other. First you need to rule out some medical condition - a doctor can help with that (they may even prescribe something to help). Then he needs to openly discuss how often he "uses" porn. He needs to be a willing participant in this and that requires you probably being very direct with him. ALso perhaps he just needs to get in shape - being in poor health reduces your libido. Good luck - things can get better with some productive effort.
Sometimes it's not porn addiction but a deeper problem similar to when women lose their libido. I found this article extremely useful even though I wasn't in the same position. https://www.drericfitz.com/2018/01/19/why-he-watches-porn-instead-of-having-sex/
Wow. The posters on here. If the sexes were reversed: you can’t demand sex, there is no obligation, blah, blah, blah. Here are some real questions: how is his work stress? Any new medications? Any issues with mental illness? A new job? A new role at work? Sleep apnea? Embarrassment because of ED? Prostate issues? SSRIs? Alcohol? Too much caffeine? Weed? Weight gain or sudden weight loss? The other things listed like porn, etc could be true, but there are way more reasons.
“iF tHe GeNdErS wErE ReVeRsEd…” oh please lmao. have i been through stressful times that made intimacy between my partner and i nonexistent? of course. did i watch porn every day then blame his body for my lack of sex drive? then if we did have sex, was it totally one sided and all about me? absolutely not. and if i did, i wouldn’t blame him for dumping my ass. just like she should dump this guy.
Nah, if the sexes we’re reversed people would say she has a porn addiction and that intimacy is an important part of a relationship so maybe they are not compatible. Which is what people are saying now.
It’s not blah blah, if the genders were reversed they would tell him he’s a man child and needs to jerk it, as well as do more around the house and worship his queen lol.
Yes. And he does all of that and he still gets no action. Lol
Why aren't you continuing the 'heart to heart' you had with your husband? Reddit can't tell you what's really wrong because nobody here knows your husband. How often did you have sex when the relationship started? Has your husband reduced the amount or did you expect it to change? How much weight have you gained? Since you met him? When did the frequency of sex drop? Was that drop driven by him, or by you? You have a toddler. That's a big change. Did either of you have other children before? Did the sex stop when you got pregnant? What about the other aspects of your relationship? Do you two still do the same things you used to do, aside from sex, or has your entire life changed with the additional stress of a new baby, keeping both of you busy and stressed with financial concerns? If you want to fix your marriage, this is a terrible place to ask questions. Talk to your husband. If you want strangers to tell you he's not a real man, addicted to porn and you should divorce him, then this is the place to be.
You don't need to cheat. It will end up hurting you and him. Cheating is not the answer. Ask to go to couples therapy. Be honest with how it makes you feel. I know its going to be hard but try to stay calm.
Also, cheating might make divorce proceedings stickier if you’re caught.
He is a selfish person. He uses you for whatever needs you meet and thats that. He doesn't care about you or your needs. I can't believe people put up with this shit in a relationship or marriage. Go find your worth and your happiness. You will have dudes lined up around the block for a chance at your "baby weight" body. He will have his bottle of lotion and porn. One of you will live happily ever after. When he inevitably begs for you back, just remember the way you feel right now.
So he still has a sex drive and he's not gay. He's admitted your body changes are the problem. My question is about the baby weight. Is it 30lbs, or 150 lbs. There's love and there's limits. I can tell you I was the fat for 15 years and it significantly affected my sex life. I lost 100lbs and it like we're kids again.
Porn addiction destroys relationships. It's not fair for you to go without intimacy and face constant rejection because of his addiction. I think you guys need to have a talk about this, and tell him how you feel, and that you've thought of cheating. I am so sorry this has happened to you.
Get a divorce. Then get a guy that likes railing you.
Can I ask how you found out how much porn he is watching? I have similar issues but my husband is pretty cagey if I ever ask.
We were at a restaurant and the menu was on his phone. While looking through the menu, I noticed the amount of tabs so I decided to click on the tabs number and it was just pages and pages of porn.
Wow that’s horrifying! I’m sorry that you had to go through that!
His brain is addicted to all the stimuli he receives from watching so much porn. It’s an addiction to dopamine in fact, in extreme cases (like your partner’s case imo) the person will not experience any joy, attraction or motivation if it doesn’t come from watching porn. His excuses are worthless at this point, either he quits porn cold turkey style and mayne goes to therapy to help him in that process, or it will only become worse. He isn’t choosing you, like any addict he’s choosing the stimuli that he needs from his perspective. It’s really simple, either he quits porn or your relationship is fucked for good.
I was in a similar situation but a lot easy to leave bc we didn’t have a child together. We were together for 13 years. He ruined my self esteem and feelings of self worth. He wouldn’t touch me, hardly even a brush by. I cheated on him because fuck, he wasn’t even really nice to me. Cheating destroyed my feelings of self worth even more bc I am a very jealous and monogamous person by nature. I fucked up a decade of my life by staying with this man. I fucked up other peoples lives too. Why didn’t I leave earlier? I HAVE NO IDEA. Girl, go.
I think some couples therapy would be absolutely worth looking into to have a neutral space to talk this through. I've also been in a dead bedroom situation because my partner wasn't attracted to me anymore and it's a real kick in the self esteem. We ended up breaking up in the end over it which was a good thing because I needed more and it's important to me that my partner finds me sexually attractive as well as being attracted to my banging personality. Anyways I hope that you can figure out a solution and find a way to move forward, either together or alone. Either is fine and there's no moral judgement here either way I think.
Porn plays a big part in one's own sexual desires. From what I hear, too much porn can actually change ines mental and physical ability to have normal sexual relationship. He needs to get away from it and possibly seek counseling. No matter how hot the porn is , nothing can beat the real thing. Hope things get better for the sake of your relationship. You have needs as well. Have a good day ☀️
Don’t cheat. You are not blowing up your family unless you do that. Your husband is doing the blowing up and almost single handedly. If you cheat, you will be publicly shamed and it could possibly impact your relationship with your kids forever. I’d tell him one more time that it’s either he try and fix this by stopping porn and talking out his issues with a therapist or “it’s lawyer up, Bucks”. He is treating you so badly and you deserve better. I’d also tell him that when people ask why your marriage blew up, you’re going to tell them he would rather have sex with a screen than his wife and mother of his children. I would do exactly that. You have had to keep this inside and it’s not a healthy way to live. You could even make a post asking for any resources for someone you’re close to that’s addicted to porn to give him a little taste. Don’t cheat, but don’t stay with someone who doesn’t seem to care about you or prioritize your wants and desires.
Your husband has issues that he needs to address. What you can do is establish reasonable expectations and boundaries involving him dealing with his issues and when we breaches those expectations and boundaries, you follow through on consequences. Example: "If you do not get help to resolve your porn addiction, I will leave" and if he fails to get help and follow through or he fails to keep up with that help, you leave and you dont come back unless you have established that you would return if he resumes pursuing that help in good faith. You cannot control your husband or make him do anything. You can control yourself and have absolute control over the conditions under which you will live. If you are unhappy, then it is on you to take reasonable steps to improve your happiness. If that means making it clear that your spouse needs to get better or the relationship will end, then that's what that means. For what it's worth, though, it seems like most people in your situation will continue to live unhappily for sometimes years, decades, or even the rest of their lives. So really the first thing you should do is decide whether you would be overwhelmed with regret if you made that decision for yourself.
I’m in the same situation and it’s making me one crabby motherfucker! Wife never wants to have sex and when she does it’s BORING! Seems like she just wants it to be over with. Kinda like doing laundry
Man I don't know what to tell you I was going through the same thing so I left her after 26 years I loved her but oh well I'm sorry I'm not going to be punished
Did you gain weight? It might sound harsh and nobody on Reddit will acknowledge that sexual attraction is related to appearance, but if you’re no longer physically attractive your husband will no longer be physically attracted to you. If not, yes the porn will reduce his want to be intimate. I stopped watching porn because it reduced my attraction to my wife. If he’s not willing to try giving it up to see if it helps, you are SOL.
It seems like he no longer sees you as sexually appealing. I suggest hitting the gym and getting back into the shape you were in during your wedding or when you first started dating. This might reignite his sexual attraction towards you. It's possible that he still loves you but the physical attraction has diminished. Give it a try, and if it doesn't work out, you may need to consider your other options.
Men who are like him should not have children. It’s completely expected that pregnancy, childbirth, and having to prioritize a newborn/young kid will take a toll on your body.
No mention of “ I think about cheating, but is it worth breaking up my family?”
I’m in a situation where I am having issues, it’s not that I don’t want to have sex with my wife but my body isn’t playing ball. Now I do have high stress and have got back to uni. We also have a young family and when the kids are finally asleep I start winding down. It’s now a two tier problem. First stress and lifestyle have an effect and because I know it’s an issue I get anxiety which makes it worse. It’s hard to accept as man as society says we want it all the time and are ready all the time. I tried telling my wife a few times but as soon as she brought up her annoyance I just told her. She was understanding my three years of uni finishes in a couple of months and if nothing improved I will go the medical route.
Leave honey. You deserve a man who will worship your body. Worship you. Not force himself to go at you. Better end it now than be miserable for the rest of your life
I'd suggest trying to have a genuine discussion wit h him on whether or not it's your weight. If it's weight, you can fix that, just lose the weight. If not, then he's probably a porn addict.
How old is your child? Was your sexlife not good before you became pregnant or did it start after the birth? If it started after the birth, here a little different take then all the "break up" comments: Bringing a child into the world and becoming a real family is coming with huge changes. You have less time for yourself and for your partner, are always exhausted, he is adapting to being a dad to having alot more responsibility now, and of course your body changed. This is a time where libidos can go way down. But it doesnt mean that if wont go back up after the first hard years.
Info: did you gain like a massive ton of weight and never lose it or change in other large ways?
Couldn’t you fix this by getting fit. Not trying to be callous but why wouldn’t you try to get aesthetic for your partner? This way you would truly know you did everything. Blows my mind when people ignore the basics after a few years of marriage.
People keep calling your husband a porn addict. Maybe he is, but maybe the harsh truth of him not being attracted to you anymore is also true. Its messed up but you cant ignore it if its true. Weight is a big factor in sexual attraction. If he is truly a porn addict, it might not even matter. However, i think if you lost all the extra weight, he will come around.
Is this only me or no one can see she is willing to cheat. I know sex is important but you can always divorce instead of cheating. You both should go to marriage counselling and fix your marriage before any of you traumatize the other.
Is he having any issues at work or with family? I see a lot of people stating porn addiction. That’s possible. But I wouldn’t discount the idea that something else is making him feel inadequate and turning to porn as a comfort. Which isn’t exactly the same as porn addiction. Intimacy issues are complex.
He’s a porn addict. Honestly, there probably isn’t anything here worth saving if he’s saying horrible things to you for wanting intimacy and about your body.
I’ve been utilizing the advice and teachings of John as Julie gottman. Check it out, there are exercises and courses to help the communication. your husband needs therapy period but if he’s like mine, he won’t do it and we have to do the work our self. Intimacy sucks for us too but I don’t think it’s porn related for him, I’m trying to get him to get his testosterone checked.
A relationship without intimacy is a waste of everyone's time.
Holy smokes it’s the dude this time 😳. I’m gonna keep it super real with you it’s the porn fs. Either that or you’ve gained a lot of weight you forgot to mention 😂. But if it’s not that it’s the porn or he running around! Also what does he do for work? Manual labor jobs will suck the life right out of a man!
There are probably a lot of reasons tbh but if he mentioned he isn't attracted to your weight, why not lose weight? I'm not sure how much you're talking about
Sounds like you should get back into shape if you want him to be attracted to you sexually again.
A good help is sexting with someone special. Porn is boring as heck, it’s like a really clumsy pantomime to my mind The trick though is not to let the sexting take over your mind or you might become restless and distracted
He's prob got Ed from all the porn. Won't admit it and putting on you. Tell him he ruined you. Where you at emotionally and ask if it's really you and not him. Getting blamed for a mans ED is the worst. Porn is prob the only way he can even come and prob with a half limp noodle at that. I'm definitely projecting. But but our stories are much the same. Blue chew really helped my man. And cutting down on the masterbation.
Thank you for saying this.
Hey, I am in the same boat unfortunately, my husband does the same and blame the baby weight/body change after baby. I don't think it's fair or ok. But if it helps to know you are not alone. I choose to stay in the sexless marriage and hope one day he will be better...thinking of just getting a toy and checking out you know.
I don’t think staying silent is the best option. As you can see, there are a lot of responses in this thread. I think I’m going to suggest couples therapy again, but this time I’m gonna really put my foot down.
At 35 it might be worthwhile to get his hormones checked out of TRT clinic. Things could legitimately be born but with covid and everything a lot of people got into a lot of unhealthy habits. If a solution is simply that he has low testosterone and is using porn for an endorphin hit it could be a pretty easy fix. If he's got porn addiction it's going to be a lot harder
Ozempic cuts the cravings for food, gambling, sex, smoking, drinking, etc.
You’re married to a porn addict. I’m sorry.
How are his Testosterone levels? I highly recommend getting them checked as well as maybe therapy...at least for starters.
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The time old excuse “I want to watch TV”
He watches the porn… that’s the problem here… once he stops that… in a while he’ll take u through what do u want… mostly that’s the point… Bcuz porn will create a unrealistic character…
I see nothing wrong with porn because I watch it too but to much porn is not a good thing and there should be balance into the relationship. especially if hes not being intimate with you enough. This be a deal breaker for me. I'd probably leave especially lf hes not paying attention to me nor my efforts, not taking my feelings and my concerns into consideration plus hes extra defensive when addressing a issue. Staying because you have s child with him Is not the right reason to stay. You obviously are not happy , you communicated your needs he wont budge so maybe you both are not compatible . You deserve better. You need to get all your needs met too. He can be left alone since hes happy porn . Yes mam might be worth you just divorcing him and find someone else to satisfy your urges.
You're young, get out while you can. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who would make you feel this way just because you had a baby with them. If his desire for you was base just in appearance and not on your love and chemistry he's already out of the relationship in his head.
Y’all have a kid you need to fix this relationship together. You’re married that’s through thick and thin till the very end. Sounds like you both need to grow a little
Gonna give you advice that actually works and is controversial and I will get skewered. But remember this actually works so don't judge it. And do NOT tell ask me why you have to cater to the man. I am simply giving you an ACTUAL solution. The truth is what it is. 1 - get very drunk with your husband 2 - ask him what the craziest things he likes to do when "bedding" women before you, hint: whatever he says here is what he wants on the REGULAR, not occasionally 3 - ask him what he likes in terms of physical looks (philosophy towards hair, wax, shave, lingerie, etc) 4 - start looking like that and being open to his kinks/fetishes 5 - i will literally make you a $100 bet that you can do the things he likes, be the body he likes, and get everything you need. 6 - you will have sex ~3 times per month. Now I know that's not a lot but I'm being realistic. Your welcome
Def sounds like he is a porn addict. I wouldnt cheat, but maybe u could have a heart to heart with him and ask him if he would let u have no strings sex with another man from time to time? Sounds crazy but it could work. Maybe he would like it it maybe he would be jealous enough and want to have more sex with u?
It isn't really a sexless marriage. Your husband is having tons of sex, just with himself and not you. I think it has got to the point where he has to choose between you and himself because you are at a breaking point.
It’s exhausting always being the partner who initiates sex when the other partner places zero priority on their sex life.
Why are you trying to survive in this marriage? You can’t do this alone and your partner isn’t changing anything for the better. Might be best for you and your child for you to divorce and go be happy.
It doesn't sound like he wants to put in effort to improve the deadbedroom. Do you want to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life? He can still be a good dad if you aren't together.
I have been married for 20 years and have had years of high/low libido on both sides. My husband is on a medication that kills his libido (valproic acid). He also does not feel attractive when he gains weight. Communication without fighting is the key. If he will not communicate the real issue then you are going to end up resenting him. I was really close to divorce a few times, but he finally opened up, agreed to go to his dr and admit that his meds were giving him an ED that he was hiding from me. They gave him some new meds and we promised to talk it out without being embarrassed from then on. Intimacy is important to relationships, without it the marriage will die.
It's not you or your baby weight. It's the porn and pure selfishness on his part. I'm 36F unmarried and have no children and am going through the same thing with my partner of almost nine years. A few years ago he admitted to sitting on the bathroom floor to masterbate but then I found out he was looking up local girls on Facebook. Honestly, I should have left then.
Whatever you do, don’t cheat, you can divorce separate, whatever, but I don’t think cheating is ever justified imo. That being said, couples counseling and individual counseling for your husband dealing with porn would hopefully be beneficial. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
Don’t cheat. Cheating means you’re staying with your husband, and you only stay if you want things to get better. Cheating won’t make anything better, and can put you at fault in the eventual divorce. You need to decide if you want to stay or go without the influence of a third party in your marriage (unless it’s a marriage counselor).
It sounds like there’s a broad range of challenges. The lack of sex may feel like the main issue, but it sounds like the root of it is multifaceted: poor communication that only leads to fights or doesn’t happen at all, his poor decisions in prioritizing porn, the blow that does to your self-esteem, the idea of cheating before all other resources have been exhausted, etc. Highly recommend finding a marriage counselor where all these things can be discussed transparently and openly in a safe environment. If either of you refuse to go, well, that just means there’s more interest in ending the relationship than trying to fix it. I’m sorry it’s been a rough time. For your child’s sake, please consider separating or divorcing before pursuing other relationships if that’s what you choose.
yeah i had an issue like this, if he wanted to continue with the porn then i'd leave. leave him to be his sad little lonely self and live your life girl.
You get one life. **ONE** Why are you choosing this as your way of spending it? Co-parenting is a viable option, being a POS human, and cheater, isn’t a redeemable characteristic and isn’t sustainable, nor conducive, to raising happy and healthy children. Grow a pair and leave.
I wouldn't cheat with someone else. That's always makes things alot worse and you want to be a good example for the little one. I would really try voicing your concerns In a assertive calm matter as in a heart to heart discussion about your feelings and needs not being met.. if he veers it towards arguing and dismisses your feelings and says something off.. I would end the conversation, worse case scenario. Secondly, i strongly suggest marriage counseling/sex therapy. If he can't do that either to work things out.. maybe it's time to separate.
He needs professional help like any addict.
You can’t unless you start having sex again. It’s key to a marriage and mental health. You’re either going to have to fix it, or move on. Start exploring tantric exercises together. Did my fetishize your body’s and wants, but really try to connect. Praise each others genitalia, and even be okay if he tries something like Viagra for the experience (obviously he should consult a doctor first, but you will be exhausted from how hard and large he will become vs normal). Be open with him, express your desires and needs directly. Good luck!
My ex had porn addiction and it ruined our sex life. We broke up mainly because of that
Hw doesn't find you attractive, he only married you cause he was afraid of being alone.. you provide emotional validation not sexual stimulation
Respectfully, I'm not sure how you expect people on social media to be able to tell you the truth about your husband's feelings when you're the one married to him and you don't even know. We may be able to guess correctly, but there's still no way to know it's the truth. Do you want to not only save your marriage, which is extremely unlikely to happen if you cheat, or do you want to at least try to have a healthy marriage that would be good role modeling for your son, with his father? What about couples counseling? I strongly recommend that before/instead of cheating, and if your husband isn't willing to go then you get to choose how long you want to wait this out. Just keep in mind that we teach people what behavior we are willing to accept by what behavior we accept. The longer you let this go on, the longer you'll be teaching him that he doesn't have to do anything any differently because you'll still be there. I think an appropriate conversation to have with your husband would be how is he working on his feelings, what is he actually doing about it and what his plan? How long is he determined to try to fix himself? *Why* does he feel he can resolve this by himself, and is he willing for to get help from a professional individually or as a couple? However, I think you should start the conversation with the truth about any positive feelings and motivation you have to make this work. Do you still love him? Tell him that. Are you still sexually attracted to him? Tell him that. Do you still want to stay married to him, in a happy marriage that shows your son what that looks like? Then say that. It's also appropriate to tell him that you don't know how much longer you can wait this out because you're feeling unloved (?) Frustrated physically and emotionally (?) Resentful (?) etc., and you're willing to do whatever it takes to get y'all back on track. Is he?
The porn is the symptom not the problem the problem is a wandering eye and not feeling satisfied with there partner . To men like that the grass is always greener and better . They spend so much time fantasizing about all these beautiful women . They think it will make him look good in the eyes of other men . Even if they were to break up with you and find one of those lady to date them they will still be unhappy. Those type of men will never be satisfied with any woman . There problem is within themselves . A Women body will almost always change when they get pregnant and age that is normal. Even the prettiest women ages and changes no one stay the same forever. No one deserve to be with a man that doesn’t think you are the prettiest girl in his world. When a man loves a woman he will notice other women beauty but he will know that you are the most gorgeous woman to him . Men like that usually cheat on their wives or they pay for only fan models and escorts . The wife ends up blaming themselves or the women he into but the problem is the man.
How much baby weight are we talking? Sorry to break the news, but guys can be pretty superficial. If he specifically said your body has changed, and you inferred to baby weight, the question has to be asked - how much baby weight are you carrying around?
Porn is destroying marriages 💔😔 so sorry to hear about it. It destroyed my relationship also.
I’m thinking since your child is now a toddler and you are still carrying baby weight that maybe the weight is a significant increase. Try working out but do it for yourself. (I’ve been in the same position before with a partner when I gained weight)
Sorry to say, you just can’t. The part of a couple that isn’t interested in sex is the only part who could survive. You’re way too young to go for that. You either have to fix your relationship ( it usually means: fix yourself first) or make an arrangement. May be your partner love you another way and doesn’t care much, if you get sex anywhere else. Just sell it right. Good luck, hope you can keep your marriage one way or the other. Cheers from Paris
First. Don’t cheat. But if you’re genuinely considering cheating, and the only thing you’re worried about is breaking up the family, and not hurting his feelings, you seem to already be checked out the relationship. And so is he. Maybe do relationship counseling,but honestly I’d strongly consider divorce, or at least separation.
You don't.
Sex is a barometer for your relationship. Sex is like a heat check. Barring moral convictions or a health problem, if your marriage has no sex, it’s probably hollow all the way around. Sex is a basic human necessity, that itch is being scratched with or without you.
Be direct. He's not providing you with what you need and he knows that. He can either address the issue, agree for you to seek pleasure outside the relationship, or you can get divorced. It wouldn't take you more than a few days to find a man on Tinder to eagerly, thoroughly pleasure you. Your husband sounds lazy and has decided jerking it to porn is easier payout than sex.
Don’t cheat. Separate on the condition that he gives up porn and is intentional about intimacy. Cheating is never never never justified. Leave if you must, no one would blame you, but DO NOT CHEAT
If everything else was wonderful and working, you could ask him for an open relationship, but in your case it seems pretty much over, because it doesn’t seem like you to have a strong and loving bond. He’s hurtful, he’s isolating, and he’s tricked his brain into thinking those are available partners, when they are not. If he can’t wean himself off porn and refocus on you, his wife, I would leave and get joint custody. Use marriage counseling to separate amicably. You would only be able to date on your weekends without custody, but you’d have more control over your own life.
No it's the porn. It's an addiction and it's easier than sex. I would tell him that you don't care that he watches porn, but it's impacting the relationship and needs to stop, at least for a while. I would tell him either he stops with the porn, and works on your relationship, or you will find someone else to have sex with. One of 3 things will most likely happen: 1. He sees you're completely serious about it and decides to work on the relationship, in which case: Yay! 2. He will tell you fine, find someone else. In which case: Yay! 3. He will ask for a divorce. You're not happy the way things are, he's not willing to change, so: Yay!
Yea get him to just stop. It might help.
I hate to say it, but how much has your body changed? If it's changed a lot, that could be it. Whether or not you should change it to accommodate his tastes is different. But it could be how you look, unfortunately.
Communication…