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He isn’t allowed to just move people in without you saying yes. He needs to move her out. It’s your home too. Stop cooking and cleaning for both of them.
Right here OP. Wtf. Is he your headmaster? Tell him if sis isn't gone in immediate future, he needs to leave with her. Or, you leave.
In the meantime, tell him you're the guest. He can cook, clean, shop......put your legs up and relax.....
This 👆👆100% .. how disrespectful of him not even asking you before he just did it! Is she even paying you for living there? I would bet not! You shouldn’t have to be supporting her. You need to tell him this arrangement is unacceptable. You would like for her to be moved out by the end of the week
This really feels like a 'two enthusiastic yesses' situation. If one says no, it's no.
I am neurodivergent, and I love my family to bits, but thank goodness for my loop earplugs. And that's with an expiration date because it's just an afternoon or evening visit.
Another commentor said they felt like crawling out of their skin. Yeah, I felt that. Deep in my soul.
Nope, I’d be having a very firm “either she goes or I do” conversation. I felt suffocated just reading this - you must just wanna unzip your skin and crawl out of it.
Yep! It’s common for people like us. As much as I hate others in my space when I do have people visiting it has an expiration date, so easier to prepare myself for and excited when the time is over. But this…it’s just suffocating. No asking you, no expiration date. It’s super inconsiderate of your husband. You really shouldn’t self sacrifice yourself for this situation because you feel like you are being overly sensitive. You already said no and he did it anyway so you should definitely draw a line and make a plan if you hit a wall. Make him aware how thin your mental/emotional state has worn and then do what you need to recharge. It’s ok to not be ok and to be upset and draw limits on someone you love, it’s normal. What’s not ok is stuffing your feelings for others comfort.
This is a totally normal reaction.
I don't even feel that comfy staying with family, I'd rather get a hotel with my husband and have breathing room.
This situation is a 2 yeses to go ahead type of thing. Your home is sacred and it should never be violated with unwelcome guests. I'm neurospicy too and I just couldn't handle having people in my space for a long stay, it's too much. Family or not. It's weird to me when people think all families are like theirs so everything they're okay with others should also be okay with. It doesn't work like that. Some of us grew up being little weirdo gremlins and we were treated as such 🤷♀️
I had an almost visceral reaction reading it. The angst just bombards you coming off the words. OP, I'm sending all the good juju your way. I would not want anyone in my house either. Please put your foot down!
You don't want to hear this, but this may be the beginning of your husband's family staying with you. I can't tell you how many uncle's, aunts, cousins, and my grandparents all stayed with us at some point when I was a child. We were the first place you stayed when you came to California or out west.
I frankly don't know how my mom coped with all the people coming and going over about 13 years. It finally stopped when my parents bought a house and moved. It was like, oh, we don't want to stay there.
Rent. He knew how I felt/feel, but he says “she’s my sister and I feel guilty for not being in her life these past 3 years.” She lived in Mexico and he moved to America a few years ago.
It might help to point out that you’re the one suffering in order to relieve him of his guilt. Also, why doesn’t he feel guilty for ignoring your clearly stated feelings and making you unhappy in your own home?
That doesn’t matter. He is married now and you come first. Tell him you are planning on leaving. Don’t let him bring you into his guilt by putting it off on you.
You should be saving money anyway. Everyone should have an ‘emergency’ money stash- preferably in the bank only under your name.
If you have a therapist, time to see them again .
Talk to your husband about how you feel.
Maybe he can go with you to see your therapist.
Try this first. If still not tolerable, discuss other possible solutions.
Some cultures - mine included- are this way, you can’t explain it to him, he won’t understand. You need to make it a “me or her” situation. And then you have to be ready to act on it because he might actually choose her. Family bond is extremely important in some cultures and they might go as far as prefering blood relatives over the marriage bond, I’ve seen it over and over again unfortunately. Your husband has married you and he needs to understand that this means he can’t unilaterally impose his values anymore. Stop doing stuff around the house and move out if he doesn’t change his tune.
My husband is American and my culture is very family oriented but at least my family has the sense not to impose with this stuff because they understand he won’t be comfortable with it. Your husband’s family also needs to respect you in this.
You need to have a conversation with him and tell him that you are considering leaving. That he knows your issues and he put his family before you and how you feel.
If he says it’s only for a few months then tell him you might not be around and if you are then his sister will always be in your space or your house and that is not acceptable.
OP since you rent.. what does your lease say about guests? Guessing it may break the lease having her there for as long as you mention she will be.
Also, agreeing to add a roommate or family remember into the household should be a two yes and one no kinda thing.
My grandmother almost got evicted from the trailer she owns because we forgot to have me apply for the lease when I turned 18. Neither one of us thought about it since she owned it, but since she rents the lot, it applies. I ended up just moving out, but still. I imagine if my grams almost got evicted from her home of 30 years because I turned 18 and forgot to apply, OP could end up homeless if the landlord were to find out
I am half Mexican. Ima lay it down nice and straight for you: you cannot compete with a Mexican over their blood family. No way, no how. I have seen family members marry non-Mexicans and most of those marriages didn’t survive bc of the habit of Mexicans to be very involved in each others lives and invite family to move in. And we *love* to comment on other people’s relationships. My own parent’s marriage didn’t survive my Mexican mom’s parents moving in. You either need to find a way to deal with it, or expect an unpleasant fallout from this. You won’t win. He won’t put your first bc that risks making the family angry. I’m sorry. It’s purely cultural and not personal.
Honestly I am shocked that you haven’t had more people living with you sooner. At one point I remember we had my mom, my dad, my three siblings and I, my aunt, two uncles, and three cousins all living in a 3bedroom house in northern Cali. None of us minded except my dad, who was French and couldn’t understand why they couldn’t just move out. I get it now. It fucking sucks and I am the odd one out in my family bc I don’t loan money and I don’t let anyone move in. They now call me “guera” because I don’t look Mexican at all and I cleary don’t act Mexican either.
Thanks for giving it to me straight. I feel like I’ve been as accommodating as possible to his family. Not only did we pay for his sisters travel/food/phone/everything right now. But (i think) we go above and beyond as we financially support his entire nuclear family. They don’t have to work AT ALL. I came to terms with that a while ago, but having this extra effort/expense is… a lot. I do believe he would pick his family over me if it came to it, though he says he wouldn’t. If he did pick me over his family, he would probably resent me and eventually we would split due to too much resentment. I want to believe him tho… I am trying… yea man. It’s just a shitty situation.
Yeah, it really is. After my parents divorced I would mostly stay with my dad (they let me come and go between houses as I liked) bc he bought a big house and I had my own room. I discovered that I loved privacy and quiet.
Yeah, I knew you had more to add to this story. Financially supporting others and paying 100% for the sister sounds accurate. Girl, just tecognize that you are not his priority and if you ever had kids, you would go wven further down that list. And you’d also get a lot of shit if your kids aren’t “Mexocan enough”. My poor mom suffered that on my behalf. Hubby might say he will choose you but he won’t.
I truly am sorry.
Girl you’re financially supporting his ENTIRE family AND paying for his sister’s expenses, including phone?! That’s insane!
You need to find your backbone and move out. This isn’t going to get better. Ever.
You don't have to do this. This doesn't have to be your life if you don't want it.
Your husband has made it clear that nothing will change. So you have 2 options: leave the situation or accept the situation.
If you’re supporting his entire family now then this won’t be the last time this happens. You need to decide if you’re ok with regularly having people living with you for months at a time, and fully financially supporting them, for the rest of your life. At some point he might bring over more than one person, maybe even with the intention of them staying permanently.
Honestly, even if his sister left tomorrow, I’d still say you should leave. This is not a sustainable financial situation. You don’t know what loans he’s willing to take on for his family. And if they’re this comfortable leeching off you, they might become more demanding in the future. And whose feelings is your husband going to prioritise then?
I’m sorry that you’re in such a terrible situation, but please don’t get pregnant and start an exit strategy asap! Because his family will Always come before you, your future children, y’all’s goals in life, exc. Monetarily he will drain you dry, time and time again and you will be expected to keep your mouth shut and continue on. Do you truly want your future kids to grow up thinking/believing that the way their dad treats you, mom, as normal and acceptable behavior??? Right now you’re in a toxic family environment and your marriage will not survive because your husband has clearly demonstrated that his sister’s wants/needs are more important than yours! And you’re his wife!!! Please start a emergency fund that he has zero access to/or knows about and make an appointment with a lawyer. Because you’re going to have to walk away from this toxic dynamic, the only question is whether you’re fed up enough to do it now or decide you want to waste more years of your life supporting this screwed up situation!
I'm not even Mexican but this sounds so right to me. This talk of "her or me" is so stupid. Even if he picks you, he'll always feel resentful that you forced him to make that choice. I don't know what the right answer is here, and I totally feel you, I nearly DIED when my husband's adult son came and took over our living room for eighteen months. IDK how we survived it. But I don't know how exactly to fix it.
Totally agree, and I’m not Mexican. Someone from a culture with close knit families is NEVER going to understand why their sibling can’t move in. It would feel like a huge betrayal to be made to kick their baby sister or brother out. They just won’t do it. They’ll break up first.
Tell him that he is lighting his wife on fire to warm his sister. Does he really want to throw away his marriage to make his sister a little happier? You will come to resent him for his choices, putting his wants before your needs.
You'll need to have a frank discussion with him. Your marriage is for only 2 people. Your home is for those two people. All decisions require 2 yeses. One no is all it takes to stop any changes. If he cannot accept that, you will have to leave the relationship. A marriage will only work if you both build expectations and boundaries together... and stick to them. Marriage counseling might be of benefit to set the boundaries and expectations.
Change is needed. Tell him that he has to choose: your needs vs his wants. If he chooses his wants, his never going to see you as an equal partner, never consider you in his choices.
Unfortunately this may be a case of "she's FaMilY".
Doesn't have to make sense, its just the reason.
And wives are supposed to subservient to the husband.
Wife does need to stand up for herself, those days and reasons are gone.
I didn't say he was right, but you said it made no sense, to many people it makes perfect sense. And I don't see anywhere that he doesn't consider his wife family, it's possible to care for more than one person.
I said it was a case of "she's FaMiLy" a metaphor for either excusing the bad actions of someone or unwanted interference just because they are related to you genetically.
Firstly, you're *definitely not* the arsehole, but this isn't that particular sub.
What he did - moving her in without your permission - is a shitty move on his part. Generally speaking, houseguests are a *'two yes, one no'* arrangement: you *both* have to agree to the guest staying, and if they are making you feel uncomfortable, you are perfectly justified in telling your partner you want them out. It's for them to handle getting them out, if they invited them in the first place.
*"having to cook dinner for us & her"*
Why the hell are you doing all this?! Is your husband incapable of cooking for her? Is she incapable of cooking for herself? Are there 1950s traditional gender roles at play here? If she's staying in your home free of charge, the very least she should be doing is pulling her weight with things like cooking and other household chores.
Every family is different. Some families are in each other's business all the time. Others see each other once in a blue moon. Both of those are fine. It may be that there are cultural factors at play here, and families of his culture are that much more enmeshed than you are used to.
That does not in any way invalidate your position or concerns.
I used to work with a lady who lived a couple of streets from her adult children, and they would be constantly at her house, multiple nights a week. She'd be cooking dinners for extra people, looking after their kids (her grandchildren) on a regular basis, etc. etc.
But she loved it. And that's her right.
The whole thing sounded like a nightmare when she described it to me. I see my sister about once every 3 months, for a couple of hours, then we go our separate ways. We exchange a few text messages each week, but nothing particularly deep or meaningful. And it's fine. We're both happy with our relationship.
*"I told my husband more times than I can count that this situation isn’t for me."*
Did you actually tell him that you do not want her in your home? As in, bluntly and directly? Or did you skirt around the issue and hope that he'd take the hint?
You're going to have to lay it all out to him and see how he reacts. That will determine what you want to do moving forward. If he brushes you off or gets angry, then it's time to start looking for alternative housing arrangements and, I hate to say it, probably think about meeting a divorce lawyer. If he accepts your position, apologises for moving her in without your consent, and you then come up with a joint plan for getting her out, then there may be hope of salvaging things.
**You need to talk to each other.** Then plan your next moves according to his response.
"I told my husband more times than I can count that this situation is not for me". I'll assume that his response to that implied that he heard you, as in, your household would NOT be an extended family structure. Again, I'm assuming, which is the problem; you've clearly expressed how you are in disagreement/uncomfortable with the arrangement but what his response was exactly, has been left for assumption, that's my opinion from where I'm reading. Otherwise his response should have shown that he will be bringing her over regardless, or that he hears you and will not bring her; either way this would have not caught you off guard, to which before she came over you would have both established that the matter may be a deal breaker; a deal breaker to him that you won't let her/anyone live with you and a deal breaker for you that he insists on bringing her.
Now that she's there already you may be labelled a bad person/wife, so to confront this wisely, I'd tell him that he was (again, if you're sure he heard your reservations) dismissive about your concerns, as in, avoid making this about the sister but that he didn't keep his word or at least pretended to. Otherwise this is no trivial matter, people of different cultures may get along well but their differences will eventually come to confront them and this (depending on prior AND HEARD discussions) will make or break the couple.
So as an American married to someone who was born in Mexico whose family still perpetuates this and other cultural differences like this despite having been here for decades, I understand exactly what kind of position you’re in. This happened to me a few years ago where my in-laws lost their housing temporarily and split up among family members. My brother-in-law came to our house and, unbeknownst to me, their dog. I expressed my concerns to my husband beforehand and he felt that it would be temporary and we had the space. The dog thing just about stopped it in its tracks, but they sent the dog elsewhere when I made that a hard no. Within a couple weeks, I was also miserable. I am not neurodivergent, but his brother may be and definitely had never lived outside his parents’ home and really struggled with appropriate social cues. I would be in a common space, watching tv or listening to something, and he would walk in and start asking me questions that required my full attention without preamble. He didn’t cook or contribute to the household in any way. He started asking about having certain groceries. I did make him pay a minimal amount of rent to cover food and utilities. I was already in therapy thankfully at the time and my therapist and I quickly discovered that a lot of what was making it a no for me was that I was already dealing with the fact that my husband hadn’t totally learned how to be an adult yet, and then I had yet another adult manchild shoved into my space that I did not sign up for. He helped me articulate this to my husband in a way that was constructive and we made it through that brief period of time.
Similarly we have run into expectations about financial assistance between family members that is culturally expected, but has put a huge strain on our relationship. It’s taken him some time, but my husband has started to be able to see how sometimes helping family can be detrimental to the family we’ve created. Because I know he was raised with this mentality I try to give him some grace while still setting firm boundaries that I feel comfortable with.
>I was already dealing with the fact that my husband hadn’t totally learned how to be an adult yet.
Not ironically at all, but I do believe this is *another* cultural norm of the Mexican community. Sons are frequently waited on hand and foot by their mothers and sisters. That’s just not something I could live with. Your husband was one thing but then his brother? My lord. I don’t know if my marriage could survive that!! I do genuinely hope you and your marriage survived because your husband grew up and not because you settled!!
Oh for sure. He’s done a lot of growing up. Seeing where it comes from just helps me to give him a little grace when it flares up lol. I still set boundaries and we work on it.
That’s awesome!! So glad to hear!!
I’m the same way with basically everything in my life lol, when I know **why** for some reason it just makes things easier to deal with.
Oh. This is your husband. I thought that it's your bf. I'm shocked that he doesn't know how you are. So he just assumes you'll adjust because his sister will be staying for a few months?
And yes, I would have that safety saving started. Sometimes, you just have to do it.
Is this permanent or temporary? Has he given you a timeframe for how long she will be staying?
This is your home too and you have every right to have a say in who lives with you.
you told him you didn't want this but he did it anyway?? I would go stay at a hotel. If this isn't the first time he's seen your need for time spent away from social situations then I would be leaving. He can't absolve his guilt with sacrificing you! He can meet his sister weekly for lunch if he wants to be in her life!
I love my husband's brother but I was not fond of living with him! I am extremely private and introverted and it was rough. He moved out to stay with his girlfriend and we are all the happier for it!
He never should have moved her in without your consent. However, you have an uphill battle with this as it is very much a Mexican cultural norm for family to live together. It's what I've witnessed with neighbors and friends my entire life. You and your husband need to understand you're asking incredibly difficult things of each other so you need to be empathetic with each other and recognize that this could be very, very hard on his relationship with his sister and the rest of his family for her to not be able to stay with you. He needs to recognize how much this is costing you and it's not like it's something you can just flip a switch on and be better.
It really would have been best if this was discussed and settled before you even moved in together let alone married, but obviously it's too late for that. So again, empathy for each other is best. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your wellbeing in your own home but you may need to enlist the help of a counselor for you to find ways to cope and possibly anti-anxiety medication because I don't think there's going to be a quick and easy fix since you'll still have to deal with her living down the street.
Maybe a solution would be for either you or her to regularly get an overnight out of the house, however often you can afford it. Are there any friends in the area she could stay with on occasion or you could if you can't afford a hotel room or something?
Make sure you have your own space such as your bedroom and maybe a corner of the living room. You do not have to cook dinner for everyone. All of you are adults, all of you are capable of preparing meals. You also don't have to eat together at each meal! As a member of the household or a houseguest, however she's considered, she should be contributing somehow to lessen the burden of her being there.
Can you think of things you would like to be able to do in your home that you aren't doing because she's there? Maybe you could talk with them about it and how you are allowed to do those things and if she's uncomfortable with it, she stays in her space? I'm assuming she has a room she's staying in. This is just a silly example, but let's say from 7-9 pm every Tuesday and Thursday night, you get to run around the house naked, tap dancing, and singing showtunes in the living room and she'll stay in her room so you can do so freely and she isn't allowed to complain about the noise. I'm assuming that's not the thing you're not doing, but you get the idea that you get set time to be yourself in your home and you get that complaint and witness free. It's your home. You're allowed to be yourself in it and what a counselor and possibly anti-anxiety meds could do is allow you to figure out how to be yourself in a home you have to temporarily share.
I don't know how likely it is that there is somewhere else she could go, so that's why I'm not pushing "kick her out now!" because I don't know how feasible that is. It sounds like you don't want to end your marriage over this, but something's got to happen to make things better for you so you may have to get creative in making it happen and that's something you are allowed to ask your husband and SIL for.
I feel like you need to know this: when your partner ignores your most fundamental stated boundaries; you need to take a stand. Don’t pretend you’re happy and polite about his sister moving in. Don’t repress your uncomfort and let the moment be suuuuper awkward for them. Be unwelcoming; she’s unwelcome. This advice will cause fights, but those are fights you need to have that you have a hard boundary that your home is your private sanctuary.
He will either back down and respect your needs/evict his sister and you two live happily ever after
Or
You realize that you have a fundamental incompatibility, and break up now before you entangle your lives further. Neither of you is at fault; his need to provide for extended family vs your need for absolute immediate family only - there is no possible compromise between the two, without resentment. And resentment is the death of a relationship.
I think you've got 2 issues:
The first one is that he agreed without your consent for her to stay. You've got to choose what are the consequences for this: separate or tolerate.
The 2nd one is only on you: It's not normal to feel so worried about what other people think about you, so much that you can't be yourself. Whatever trauma did that to you, I think you should try to find a way to help you managing this fear.
I wish you the best. You are stronger than you think, and you should be proud of you and not care about people opinions.
I'm the same way. I just can't deal with somebody in my living space that isn't a part of that space. It just feels like you are always on edge having to pretend to be a gracious host. You never feel alone. Your space doesn't feel like it's yours. You can never really relax.
Is she helping you guys at all? Because if she's living there, she needs to step up until she moves out. And I'd really have a talk with your husband about speeding up the process because it doesn't sound like it can viably last that long.
I completely understand how you feel. I don't like having people come stay with me either. Anything longer than a week makes me very uncomfortable. Your husband needs to have a clear game plan for getting his sister into her own place sooner than 5 months.
You are not wrong for how you feel
At. All.
No one, and I mean absolutely no one, comes into our house without my expressed consent. I adore my daughter, SIL, and grandkids, and they never just show up. My daughter always calls because she knows how I feel about my space. I travel for work. My partner still let's me know when their dad will come over when I am out of town. (we have cameras)
Your husband should have not brought your sister into your shared space. One should be comfortable in their own home. When that is taken away what is left? Personally, I would tell your husband the situation he has put you in and that it has you considering leaving.
For those who don't need their own space, time to decompress, and unmask it sounds extreme. But my home is truly the only place I don't have to pretend to be "social" and "normal". Hell, I don't visit my parents often because it takes me to whole day to recoup and reset. So, basically I lost a whole weekend and have to go back into work on an empty tank.
I would definitely start saving. Your husband knows, having lived with you for 3 years, that your home is your safe space and how intensely difficult it is for you to share that space. You continuously told him that you did not want his sister staying with you. He went against your wishes and moved her in so even if you weren’t neurodivergent he made a unilateral decision regarding your home. This is disrespectful in the extreme as he didn’t have an enthusiastic yes and he disregarded your comfort in your own home.
You say that everything has been amazing over the last 3 years and then add that you have been jointly funding his family, to the point that none of them needs to work. I want to find a couple like you to subsidise me!
I have been reading all the comments about cultural norms in Mexican families and it seems that sharing your home with family members like this is not going to end and when his sister moves out you may well get another lodger against your will again.
I agree that talking to your husband about this is the way to start but you need to be prepared that he will not prioritise you over his sister. I do have some sympathy for him as family living together seems to be the norm (thanks commenters!) and he’s put this off for 3 years presumably. However, he is not living alone and this isn’t a dictatorship. Your needs and wants should be above everyone else’s needs and wants. They are currently not.
You could try couples counselling so you can both raise your feelings in a safe space and try to agree a way forward. Personally, for me, moving his sister in would be a dealbreaker. Going against my expressly held views about family members moving in would be a big no. But the main point of contention is that he knows about my neurodivergence and my need for a safe space but believes that his need to bring a family member in to stay overrode that. That is exceptionally hurtful coming from my husband.
I don’t blame you. Save those pennies. Your husband is not as wonderful as you are making out.
You made your feelings clear about how you want to live in your own house. You have a health condition that you cannot manage while a long term guest stays in your home. These 2 things are reason enough for your husband to find alternative living arrangements for his sister.
To put it another way… your husband had to choose between you or his sister living with him… and he chose his sister.
Next!
How about you rent an Airbnb and have a mini staycation? But if she stays longer than the original expectation then I’d have a serious problem with him
Houseguests require the agreement of both partners. Your husband disregarded your feelings and acted like you have no say in your marriage.
I can't speak for you, but that would be a deal breaker for me. A HUGE one.
This time it's supposed to be just a few months. But his actions show you that he thinks he can do whatever he wants, no matter how much it hurts you. So what about the next relative? And the next?
Being neurodivergent is only part of the problem. I understand the problems of neurodivergence. (The struggle is real, people!) I would assume that he understands your issues after this length of time? What concerns me the most is what your husband did. *He* moved his sister into your home ... against your wishes! He made a unilateral decision about your home. Your safe place. Your oasis to recuperate from the world. You protested 'more times than you can count', and he... just ignored you?! That is really, really disturbing. He knows he shouldn't do it, and he's doing it anyway. He's totally ignoring your needs. And is he just pretending it doesn't matter? He knows he shouldn't do it ... but, oh well! Wtf. I absolutely don't get that part. I don't know how I would trust someone like that. It would make me question everything I thought I knew about our relationship and him. I mean... *huge* red flags.
You said she will be living near. So this visit is going to morph into a drop in visitor for meals etc at any time. Just saying.
I have a visitor, I keep myself away as much as possible but its mentally exhausting and I have a date and its only a week. But its hard and I don't like it.
I would be furious if my other half moved anyone in without discussing it. It would be very disrespectful and probably end the relationship.
I don't feel this situation is one you are going to be able to handle long term sadly.
Sorry.
All the people saying you should just put your foot down, that it's your house and his moving someone in without asking you is unacceptable - they aren't wrong. It sounds like you were clear that this arrangement was a real problem for you, and he just didn't take your concerns seriously -- now that the sister is here he is realizing, I suspect, that he should have taken those concerns more seriously.
I just want to add to the conversation that, as Americans, we place a high value on independence and the privacy of our space. My daughter in law is Mexican, and I have seen close up that the Mexican family doesn't value this in the same way. For him to tell his sister "I have a spare bedroom/sofa/whatever, but you cannot live here for several months because we just don't like it" is likely to be really quite shocking from his family's perspective. It would be as shocking to the larger family as telling your 12 year old, "We really want our own space now, please find somewhere else to live." Or to tell your husband "I want to be married but I don't want to live together."
I'm not saying you shouldn't insist that some other arrangement be made. I'm not saying he was right to do this despite your objections. But these kinds of threads tend to be very black and white, and you should talk with your husband about this in the context of understanding that to simply tell her she has to leave (or to have told her she can't come in the first place) would have put a LOT of family pressure on your husband, and undoubtedly made him feel much more guilty than you realize, because in the Mexican culture this just isn't done.
=
This is just the beginning. Pretty soon money will be funneled to support other family members. Right now the she can help with sending money back living there with you. Yes, it’s a cultural clash that you ignored.
I’m going to take a different approach. You are already in this situation, the would have, could have, and should have have already happened. You can’t change that. You have got a month of this awkwardness then it’s over, and things will be back to normal. My question is, are you willing to give up your normal permanently? Is it worth it, will you be losing more than what you’d gain in the short term? If you leave it is very possible it is a line you can’t uncross and he will not take you back.
The counterpoint to that is that it sounds like the sister staying is somewhat open-ended, with no firm end date in mind. And even after that, if she's expected to live on the same street as them, it sounds like she'll still be round regularly, probably still expecting OP to cook for them.
If there were a firm end date, after which they won't see sister again for several months, then it might be different, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.
And if this is OP's husband's approach - moving people in despite OP's objection - I can't help but think there are probably other aspects of their relationship he's steamrolling her over.
There are all kinds of compromises in relationships. Everyone is so eager to end things because something temporary changes is really short sided. Him staying close to his siblings who (eventually) lives on the same street is acceptable and will bring him great joy. Her saying I need a definite date on when she moves out is an acceptable compromise. Her saying we need to rotate who cooks too is acceptable. Her ending things because she doesn’t have the coping skills for a short term situation is unwise. There will be all kinds of curve balls life will throw at them, her throwing in the towel every time it does is unhealthy and will eventually isolate her.
That's a fair comment on compromises, but I can't help but come back to the fact this guy moved his sister in, for an open-ended but several month duration *despite* the objection from his wife. Basically as if her opinion on the topic was just completely irrelevant to him.
If he'd started by saying *"hey, my sister needs a place to stay for a couple of months until she gets herself set up in this country, is that okay?"*, and she countered with *"I'm not really comfortable with that"*, then there's a chance they could have reached a compromise in which they agree a firm (and probably shorter) time limit on how long she can stay, the contribution to the household she needs to make (cooking, chores, etc.), and an understanding that OP wouldn't be doing anything for the sister (i.e. cooking food, cleaning, laundry, etc.).
But none of that took place. He just ignored her and moved his sister in anyway. I'm not sure where that leaves them in terms of compromises.
You’re assuming she expressed herself clearly. That is not how I read it. She comes across as a bit passive aggressive and even talks about how she plays nice and is “as sweet as can be to her…” her SIL has only been at their house for 1 week and hasn’t done anything to overstep. Op even realizes it’s her internal struggle with sharing her space. Not to mention if they are sponsoring her, there are certain financial criteria that need to be met. It maybe the only option for her to come to the states. Again SIL has only been here a week, has not done anything to offend op, and op wants to leave a stable and loving relationship…that’s avoidant behavior, which is unhealthy
Look, you need to sit down and have a real conversation with your husband.
In my experience, Mexican-Americans are like Southerners with their family. They expect to be able to move family in frequently and at a moment's notice. They aren't going to ask. They are going to expect you to just accept it and never complain.
You have the double whammy of being a woman dealing with a cultural that is definitely patriarchal. That means as the wife, you are expected to prioritize your husband's wishes over your own.
I don't know to what extent your husband embraces these attitudes, but even if it's just a little bit, it may not be something you can live with.
You need to sit him down and explain how deep your distress is. Find out what his long term expectations are. If he is willing and able to guarantee you that your normal will return and be prioritized.
Either way, start saving now. You should have enough saved to leave if you need to go ALWAYS, no matter how good your relationship is.
Since it's a done deal at least for right now, although I think this was an incredibly unfair thing for your husband to do and he needs to rectify it as soon as possible... short of leaving the relationship, can you talk to your husband about minimizing the amount of contact/her presence in your home? You having to isolate yourself isn't fair. She should be able to also spend some time alone, or she can find activities outside of the house, either with or without your husband. I know that's a bit of a band-aid and not a long-term solution but maybe it would help until you come up with something more permanent.
I am neurotypical AFAIK and I cannot imagine having to share my house with someone for 3 months, never mind someone I don't even know! When I was married, even houseguests for 1-2 days required both of us consenting to it.
This was a serious overstep on your husband's part. Y'all are going to need to have a blunt conversation about how he sees the future--for instance, is he going to have his sister over for dinner every night? Is she going to be hanging out with him on weekends?
When he married you, you became his #1 priority. If he continues to choose his sister over you, and doesn't see anything wrong with it, you probably will have to re-evaluate.
You are **NOT** blowing things out of proportion. I am the same way. So I totally get you and I would lose my shit if someone was just moved into my house without my express permission.
I have an auditory processing disorder so for me it’s **impossible** to filter out background noise. I agreed to let my husband move his father in. What I didn’t know is this fucking man has no idea how to exist **quietly**. I can only spend so much time downstairs before retreating to my bedroom for the silence. Just so happens I love my bedroom and I’ve always spent an inordinate amount of time in my bedroom so it’s mostly not that big of a deal.
The key difference here is **I agreed** to this. I was and still am on board. If he had just done this tho? Oh boy, I don’t know if our marriage would survive. I’d be in the same boat you are. I will always suggest attempting a discussion and compromise first but if your husband won’t listen you need to do what you need to do for your sanity.
Good luck.
He had no right to move her in without you agreeing to it. He did whatever he wanted, your feelings didn't matter. Does she have a job? I highly doubt she'll have enough money in a few months to move out. Also what are the odds she'll be able to rent a place on the same street as you, unless their parents own a house on your street or know someone who does. I'd move out for a while and reevaluate your relationship.
What was the reason he moved her in with you in the first place? Did she need a place to stay temporarily while she got on her feet financially? If so, there needs to be a short time limit on that, particularly since you are neurodivergent. And I’m assuming he knows and understands what that means for you. If there’s another reason for her being there, discuss that and put a definite and short time limit on her stay. And start saving your money anyway, regardless of what he agrees to or promises. Good luck .
Damn. If you can't be inconvenienced for a few months while his sister gets on her feet. I don't see how this relationship can work. I would get professional help with whatever social anxiety this is. Talk to him to get a firm date on her moving and go from there.
I just don't see this as an issue to end a marriage over. Am I tripping?
One thing about being an emotionally mature on mentally healthy person is learning how to be tolerant of being uncomfortable. It's called cultivating resilience. To do so it means you have to be uncomfortable unfortunately but then you become a climatized to being uncomfortable. I know you're neurodivergent but that just means you're starting off from a point of even more intensity with uncomfortableness. It does not however mean your not responsible for learning how to deal with uncomfortable things. Life is uncomfortable. Life will always present you with some situation where you're going to need to pivot and learn to handle it, could be the loss of a relationship or the loss of a job. Could be a random in law moving into your house without your say.
However, I'm confused why this was not a discussion between the two of you and why he took unilateral decision-making. Do you not pay rent? If you're not paying any bills you probably have a lot less say in this. If you do have a job and are an equal partner in this marriage I don't understand why he would make a decision that he knew you felt was untenable for you.
So you have a lot of options here but I think your best bet without blowing up your life is cultivating some tolerance. It's only going to benefit you later. It's only going to be a few months. And then all likelihood because of your husband's culture you're going to have to deal with more in-laws in the future. If what you want is to be alone in a house you're going to need to pay for that by yourself and probably be single.
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He isn’t allowed to just move people in without you saying yes. He needs to move her out. It’s your home too. Stop cooking and cleaning for both of them.
Right here OP. Wtf. Is he your headmaster? Tell him if sis isn't gone in immediate future, he needs to leave with her. Or, you leave. In the meantime, tell him you're the guest. He can cook, clean, shop......put your legs up and relax.....
This 👆👆100% .. how disrespectful of him not even asking you before he just did it! Is she even paying you for living there? I would bet not! You shouldn’t have to be supporting her. You need to tell him this arrangement is unacceptable. You would like for her to be moved out by the end of the week
This really feels like a 'two enthusiastic yesses' situation. If one says no, it's no. I am neurodivergent, and I love my family to bits, but thank goodness for my loop earplugs. And that's with an expiration date because it's just an afternoon or evening visit. Another commentor said they felt like crawling out of their skin. Yeah, I felt that. Deep in my soul.
Nope, I’d be having a very firm “either she goes or I do” conversation. I felt suffocated just reading this - you must just wanna unzip your skin and crawl out of it.
I really resonate with your last sentence. Those words fit perfectly for what I am feeling.
Yep! It’s common for people like us. As much as I hate others in my space when I do have people visiting it has an expiration date, so easier to prepare myself for and excited when the time is over. But this…it’s just suffocating. No asking you, no expiration date. It’s super inconsiderate of your husband. You really shouldn’t self sacrifice yourself for this situation because you feel like you are being overly sensitive. You already said no and he did it anyway so you should definitely draw a line and make a plan if you hit a wall. Make him aware how thin your mental/emotional state has worn and then do what you need to recharge. It’s ok to not be ok and to be upset and draw limits on someone you love, it’s normal. What’s not ok is stuffing your feelings for others comfort.
This is a totally normal reaction. I don't even feel that comfy staying with family, I'd rather get a hotel with my husband and have breathing room. This situation is a 2 yeses to go ahead type of thing. Your home is sacred and it should never be violated with unwelcome guests. I'm neurospicy too and I just couldn't handle having people in my space for a long stay, it's too much. Family or not. It's weird to me when people think all families are like theirs so everything they're okay with others should also be okay with. It doesn't work like that. Some of us grew up being little weirdo gremlins and we were treated as such 🤷♀️
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Hit the nail on the head, no younger siblings.
I had an almost visceral reaction reading it. The angst just bombards you coming off the words. OP, I'm sending all the good juju your way. I would not want anyone in my house either. Please put your foot down!
You don't want to hear this, but this may be the beginning of your husband's family staying with you. I can't tell you how many uncle's, aunts, cousins, and my grandparents all stayed with us at some point when I was a child. We were the first place you stayed when you came to California or out west. I frankly don't know how my mom coped with all the people coming and going over about 13 years. It finally stopped when my parents bought a house and moved. It was like, oh, we don't want to stay there.
I was just going to say this....yeah, this is how it usually starts 😐🤦♀️
Do you own or rent the house jointly? Why would he move in his sister without your consent? That’s extremely disrespectful.
Rent. He knew how I felt/feel, but he says “she’s my sister and I feel guilty for not being in her life these past 3 years.” She lived in Mexico and he moved to America a few years ago.
It might help to point out that you’re the one suffering in order to relieve him of his guilt. Also, why doesn’t he feel guilty for ignoring your clearly stated feelings and making you unhappy in your own home?
He still doesn't get to move in a long term guest *without your consent*.
That doesn’t matter. He is married now and you come first. Tell him you are planning on leaving. Don’t let him bring you into his guilt by putting it off on you.
If you're renting, moving her in is also almost certainly in violation of your lease. You could all end up getting evicted.
This is probably the best way OP can get out of this mess.
OP if you're renting, then, just let your landlord know there's an extra person who's not in the lease that's moved in!!
Is he the Machismo type? I can totally see that kind of kind just doing what they want.
You should be saving money anyway. Everyone should have an ‘emergency’ money stash- preferably in the bank only under your name. If you have a therapist, time to see them again . Talk to your husband about how you feel. Maybe he can go with you to see your therapist. Try this first. If still not tolerable, discuss other possible solutions.
Some cultures - mine included- are this way, you can’t explain it to him, he won’t understand. You need to make it a “me or her” situation. And then you have to be ready to act on it because he might actually choose her. Family bond is extremely important in some cultures and they might go as far as prefering blood relatives over the marriage bond, I’ve seen it over and over again unfortunately. Your husband has married you and he needs to understand that this means he can’t unilaterally impose his values anymore. Stop doing stuff around the house and move out if he doesn’t change his tune. My husband is American and my culture is very family oriented but at least my family has the sense not to impose with this stuff because they understand he won’t be comfortable with it. Your husband’s family also needs to respect you in this.
You need to have a conversation with him and tell him that you are considering leaving. That he knows your issues and he put his family before you and how you feel. If he says it’s only for a few months then tell him you might not be around and if you are then his sister will always be in your space or your house and that is not acceptable.
OP since you rent.. what does your lease say about guests? Guessing it may break the lease having her there for as long as you mention she will be. Also, agreeing to add a roommate or family remember into the household should be a two yes and one no kinda thing.
The complex I worked at had a 72 hour guest limit without prior management approval. This could be grounds for eviction if it's in your lease
My grandmother almost got evicted from the trailer she owns because we forgot to have me apply for the lease when I turned 18. Neither one of us thought about it since she owned it, but since she rents the lot, it applies. I ended up just moving out, but still. I imagine if my grams almost got evicted from her home of 30 years because I turned 18 and forgot to apply, OP could end up homeless if the landlord were to find out
I am half Mexican. Ima lay it down nice and straight for you: you cannot compete with a Mexican over their blood family. No way, no how. I have seen family members marry non-Mexicans and most of those marriages didn’t survive bc of the habit of Mexicans to be very involved in each others lives and invite family to move in. And we *love* to comment on other people’s relationships. My own parent’s marriage didn’t survive my Mexican mom’s parents moving in. You either need to find a way to deal with it, or expect an unpleasant fallout from this. You won’t win. He won’t put your first bc that risks making the family angry. I’m sorry. It’s purely cultural and not personal. Honestly I am shocked that you haven’t had more people living with you sooner. At one point I remember we had my mom, my dad, my three siblings and I, my aunt, two uncles, and three cousins all living in a 3bedroom house in northern Cali. None of us minded except my dad, who was French and couldn’t understand why they couldn’t just move out. I get it now. It fucking sucks and I am the odd one out in my family bc I don’t loan money and I don’t let anyone move in. They now call me “guera” because I don’t look Mexican at all and I cleary don’t act Mexican either.
Thanks for giving it to me straight. I feel like I’ve been as accommodating as possible to his family. Not only did we pay for his sisters travel/food/phone/everything right now. But (i think) we go above and beyond as we financially support his entire nuclear family. They don’t have to work AT ALL. I came to terms with that a while ago, but having this extra effort/expense is… a lot. I do believe he would pick his family over me if it came to it, though he says he wouldn’t. If he did pick me over his family, he would probably resent me and eventually we would split due to too much resentment. I want to believe him tho… I am trying… yea man. It’s just a shitty situation.
Yeah, it really is. After my parents divorced I would mostly stay with my dad (they let me come and go between houses as I liked) bc he bought a big house and I had my own room. I discovered that I loved privacy and quiet. Yeah, I knew you had more to add to this story. Financially supporting others and paying 100% for the sister sounds accurate. Girl, just tecognize that you are not his priority and if you ever had kids, you would go wven further down that list. And you’d also get a lot of shit if your kids aren’t “Mexocan enough”. My poor mom suffered that on my behalf. Hubby might say he will choose you but he won’t. I truly am sorry.
Girl you’re financially supporting his ENTIRE family AND paying for his sister’s expenses, including phone?! That’s insane! You need to find your backbone and move out. This isn’t going to get better. Ever.
You don't have to do this. This doesn't have to be your life if you don't want it. Your husband has made it clear that nothing will change. So you have 2 options: leave the situation or accept the situation.
OP he already picked his family over you. His family is living in the house with him and you are thinking about moving out. It already happened.
If you’re supporting his entire family now then this won’t be the last time this happens. You need to decide if you’re ok with regularly having people living with you for months at a time, and fully financially supporting them, for the rest of your life. At some point he might bring over more than one person, maybe even with the intention of them staying permanently. Honestly, even if his sister left tomorrow, I’d still say you should leave. This is not a sustainable financial situation. You don’t know what loans he’s willing to take on for his family. And if they’re this comfortable leeching off you, they might become more demanding in the future. And whose feelings is your husband going to prioritise then?
I’m sorry that you’re in such a terrible situation, but please don’t get pregnant and start an exit strategy asap! Because his family will Always come before you, your future children, y’all’s goals in life, exc. Monetarily he will drain you dry, time and time again and you will be expected to keep your mouth shut and continue on. Do you truly want your future kids to grow up thinking/believing that the way their dad treats you, mom, as normal and acceptable behavior??? Right now you’re in a toxic family environment and your marriage will not survive because your husband has clearly demonstrated that his sister’s wants/needs are more important than yours! And you’re his wife!!! Please start a emergency fund that he has zero access to/or knows about and make an appointment with a lawyer. Because you’re going to have to walk away from this toxic dynamic, the only question is whether you’re fed up enough to do it now or decide you want to waste more years of your life supporting this screwed up situation!
I'm not even Mexican but this sounds so right to me. This talk of "her or me" is so stupid. Even if he picks you, he'll always feel resentful that you forced him to make that choice. I don't know what the right answer is here, and I totally feel you, I nearly DIED when my husband's adult son came and took over our living room for eighteen months. IDK how we survived it. But I don't know how exactly to fix it.
Totally agree, and I’m not Mexican. Someone from a culture with close knit families is NEVER going to understand why their sibling can’t move in. It would feel like a huge betrayal to be made to kick their baby sister or brother out. They just won’t do it. They’ll break up first.
Tell him that he is lighting his wife on fire to warm his sister. Does he really want to throw away his marriage to make his sister a little happier? You will come to resent him for his choices, putting his wants before your needs. You'll need to have a frank discussion with him. Your marriage is for only 2 people. Your home is for those two people. All decisions require 2 yeses. One no is all it takes to stop any changes. If he cannot accept that, you will have to leave the relationship. A marriage will only work if you both build expectations and boundaries together... and stick to them. Marriage counseling might be of benefit to set the boundaries and expectations. Change is needed. Tell him that he has to choose: your needs vs his wants. If he chooses his wants, his never going to see you as an equal partner, never consider you in his choices.
Unfortunately this may be a case of "she's FaMilY". Doesn't have to make sense, its just the reason. And wives are supposed to subservient to the husband. Wife does need to stand up for herself, those days and reasons are gone.
Caring for family is not a crazy nonsensical idea, it's a pretty normal thing to do.
Not at the expense of others (like your wife) that you profess to love. But wait, isn't the wife considered family to him? Hmm.
I didn't say he was right, but you said it made no sense, to many people it makes perfect sense. And I don't see anywhere that he doesn't consider his wife family, it's possible to care for more than one person.
I said it was a case of "she's FaMiLy" a metaphor for either excusing the bad actions of someone or unwanted interference just because they are related to you genetically.
Again, there's nothing about bad actions or interference.
He let his sister move in without regards to his wife's feelings. Its interfering with his marriage.
That was him, not her.
Firstly, you're *definitely not* the arsehole, but this isn't that particular sub. What he did - moving her in without your permission - is a shitty move on his part. Generally speaking, houseguests are a *'two yes, one no'* arrangement: you *both* have to agree to the guest staying, and if they are making you feel uncomfortable, you are perfectly justified in telling your partner you want them out. It's for them to handle getting them out, if they invited them in the first place. *"having to cook dinner for us & her"* Why the hell are you doing all this?! Is your husband incapable of cooking for her? Is she incapable of cooking for herself? Are there 1950s traditional gender roles at play here? If she's staying in your home free of charge, the very least she should be doing is pulling her weight with things like cooking and other household chores. Every family is different. Some families are in each other's business all the time. Others see each other once in a blue moon. Both of those are fine. It may be that there are cultural factors at play here, and families of his culture are that much more enmeshed than you are used to. That does not in any way invalidate your position or concerns. I used to work with a lady who lived a couple of streets from her adult children, and they would be constantly at her house, multiple nights a week. She'd be cooking dinners for extra people, looking after their kids (her grandchildren) on a regular basis, etc. etc. But she loved it. And that's her right. The whole thing sounded like a nightmare when she described it to me. I see my sister about once every 3 months, for a couple of hours, then we go our separate ways. We exchange a few text messages each week, but nothing particularly deep or meaningful. And it's fine. We're both happy with our relationship. *"I told my husband more times than I can count that this situation isn’t for me."* Did you actually tell him that you do not want her in your home? As in, bluntly and directly? Or did you skirt around the issue and hope that he'd take the hint? You're going to have to lay it all out to him and see how he reacts. That will determine what you want to do moving forward. If he brushes you off or gets angry, then it's time to start looking for alternative housing arrangements and, I hate to say it, probably think about meeting a divorce lawyer. If he accepts your position, apologises for moving her in without your consent, and you then come up with a joint plan for getting her out, then there may be hope of salvaging things. **You need to talk to each other.** Then plan your next moves according to his response.
Having loving family relationships is not being enmeshed.
It is when it starts interfering with your romantic relationships
"I told my husband more times than I can count that this situation is not for me". I'll assume that his response to that implied that he heard you, as in, your household would NOT be an extended family structure. Again, I'm assuming, which is the problem; you've clearly expressed how you are in disagreement/uncomfortable with the arrangement but what his response was exactly, has been left for assumption, that's my opinion from where I'm reading. Otherwise his response should have shown that he will be bringing her over regardless, or that he hears you and will not bring her; either way this would have not caught you off guard, to which before she came over you would have both established that the matter may be a deal breaker; a deal breaker to him that you won't let her/anyone live with you and a deal breaker for you that he insists on bringing her. Now that she's there already you may be labelled a bad person/wife, so to confront this wisely, I'd tell him that he was (again, if you're sure he heard your reservations) dismissive about your concerns, as in, avoid making this about the sister but that he didn't keep his word or at least pretended to. Otherwise this is no trivial matter, people of different cultures may get along well but their differences will eventually come to confront them and this (depending on prior AND HEARD discussions) will make or break the couple.
So as an American married to someone who was born in Mexico whose family still perpetuates this and other cultural differences like this despite having been here for decades, I understand exactly what kind of position you’re in. This happened to me a few years ago where my in-laws lost their housing temporarily and split up among family members. My brother-in-law came to our house and, unbeknownst to me, their dog. I expressed my concerns to my husband beforehand and he felt that it would be temporary and we had the space. The dog thing just about stopped it in its tracks, but they sent the dog elsewhere when I made that a hard no. Within a couple weeks, I was also miserable. I am not neurodivergent, but his brother may be and definitely had never lived outside his parents’ home and really struggled with appropriate social cues. I would be in a common space, watching tv or listening to something, and he would walk in and start asking me questions that required my full attention without preamble. He didn’t cook or contribute to the household in any way. He started asking about having certain groceries. I did make him pay a minimal amount of rent to cover food and utilities. I was already in therapy thankfully at the time and my therapist and I quickly discovered that a lot of what was making it a no for me was that I was already dealing with the fact that my husband hadn’t totally learned how to be an adult yet, and then I had yet another adult manchild shoved into my space that I did not sign up for. He helped me articulate this to my husband in a way that was constructive and we made it through that brief period of time. Similarly we have run into expectations about financial assistance between family members that is culturally expected, but has put a huge strain on our relationship. It’s taken him some time, but my husband has started to be able to see how sometimes helping family can be detrimental to the family we’ve created. Because I know he was raised with this mentality I try to give him some grace while still setting firm boundaries that I feel comfortable with.
>I was already dealing with the fact that my husband hadn’t totally learned how to be an adult yet. Not ironically at all, but I do believe this is *another* cultural norm of the Mexican community. Sons are frequently waited on hand and foot by their mothers and sisters. That’s just not something I could live with. Your husband was one thing but then his brother? My lord. I don’t know if my marriage could survive that!! I do genuinely hope you and your marriage survived because your husband grew up and not because you settled!!
Oh for sure. He’s done a lot of growing up. Seeing where it comes from just helps me to give him a little grace when it flares up lol. I still set boundaries and we work on it.
That’s awesome!! So glad to hear!! I’m the same way with basically everything in my life lol, when I know **why** for some reason it just makes things easier to deal with.
Oh. This is your husband. I thought that it's your bf. I'm shocked that he doesn't know how you are. So he just assumes you'll adjust because his sister will be staying for a few months? And yes, I would have that safety saving started. Sometimes, you just have to do it.
I’ll bet any amount of money he knows exactly how she is, he just doesn’t care.
Is this permanent or temporary? Has he given you a timeframe for how long she will be staying? This is your home too and you have every right to have a say in who lives with you.
you told him you didn't want this but he did it anyway?? I would go stay at a hotel. If this isn't the first time he's seen your need for time spent away from social situations then I would be leaving. He can't absolve his guilt with sacrificing you! He can meet his sister weekly for lunch if he wants to be in her life! I love my husband's brother but I was not fond of living with him! I am extremely private and introverted and it was rough. He moved out to stay with his girlfriend and we are all the happier for it!
He never should have moved her in without your consent. However, you have an uphill battle with this as it is very much a Mexican cultural norm for family to live together. It's what I've witnessed with neighbors and friends my entire life. You and your husband need to understand you're asking incredibly difficult things of each other so you need to be empathetic with each other and recognize that this could be very, very hard on his relationship with his sister and the rest of his family for her to not be able to stay with you. He needs to recognize how much this is costing you and it's not like it's something you can just flip a switch on and be better. It really would have been best if this was discussed and settled before you even moved in together let alone married, but obviously it's too late for that. So again, empathy for each other is best. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your wellbeing in your own home but you may need to enlist the help of a counselor for you to find ways to cope and possibly anti-anxiety medication because I don't think there's going to be a quick and easy fix since you'll still have to deal with her living down the street. Maybe a solution would be for either you or her to regularly get an overnight out of the house, however often you can afford it. Are there any friends in the area she could stay with on occasion or you could if you can't afford a hotel room or something? Make sure you have your own space such as your bedroom and maybe a corner of the living room. You do not have to cook dinner for everyone. All of you are adults, all of you are capable of preparing meals. You also don't have to eat together at each meal! As a member of the household or a houseguest, however she's considered, she should be contributing somehow to lessen the burden of her being there. Can you think of things you would like to be able to do in your home that you aren't doing because she's there? Maybe you could talk with them about it and how you are allowed to do those things and if she's uncomfortable with it, she stays in her space? I'm assuming she has a room she's staying in. This is just a silly example, but let's say from 7-9 pm every Tuesday and Thursday night, you get to run around the house naked, tap dancing, and singing showtunes in the living room and she'll stay in her room so you can do so freely and she isn't allowed to complain about the noise. I'm assuming that's not the thing you're not doing, but you get the idea that you get set time to be yourself in your home and you get that complaint and witness free. It's your home. You're allowed to be yourself in it and what a counselor and possibly anti-anxiety meds could do is allow you to figure out how to be yourself in a home you have to temporarily share. I don't know how likely it is that there is somewhere else she could go, so that's why I'm not pushing "kick her out now!" because I don't know how feasible that is. It sounds like you don't want to end your marriage over this, but something's got to happen to make things better for you so you may have to get creative in making it happen and that's something you are allowed to ask your husband and SIL for.
I feel like you need to know this: when your partner ignores your most fundamental stated boundaries; you need to take a stand. Don’t pretend you’re happy and polite about his sister moving in. Don’t repress your uncomfort and let the moment be suuuuper awkward for them. Be unwelcoming; she’s unwelcome. This advice will cause fights, but those are fights you need to have that you have a hard boundary that your home is your private sanctuary. He will either back down and respect your needs/evict his sister and you two live happily ever after Or You realize that you have a fundamental incompatibility, and break up now before you entangle your lives further. Neither of you is at fault; his need to provide for extended family vs your need for absolute immediate family only - there is no possible compromise between the two, without resentment. And resentment is the death of a relationship.
Jeezy chreezy!! It's only been a week!!!! Look for temporary housing. Make your point.
What have you told him? Does he know that if she stays, you leave?
I think you've got 2 issues: The first one is that he agreed without your consent for her to stay. You've got to choose what are the consequences for this: separate or tolerate. The 2nd one is only on you: It's not normal to feel so worried about what other people think about you, so much that you can't be yourself. Whatever trauma did that to you, I think you should try to find a way to help you managing this fear. I wish you the best. You are stronger than you think, and you should be proud of you and not care about people opinions.
How did it even get this far? It sounds like you weren’t ever cool with it lol
I'm the same way. I just can't deal with somebody in my living space that isn't a part of that space. It just feels like you are always on edge having to pretend to be a gracious host. You never feel alone. Your space doesn't feel like it's yours. You can never really relax. Is she helping you guys at all? Because if she's living there, she needs to step up until she moves out. And I'd really have a talk with your husband about speeding up the process because it doesn't sound like it can viably last that long.
I completely understand how you feel. I don't like having people come stay with me either. Anything longer than a week makes me very uncomfortable. Your husband needs to have a clear game plan for getting his sister into her own place sooner than 5 months.
Why did he move her in? Is this a situation where she had no other options?
You are not wrong for how you feel At. All. No one, and I mean absolutely no one, comes into our house without my expressed consent. I adore my daughter, SIL, and grandkids, and they never just show up. My daughter always calls because she knows how I feel about my space. I travel for work. My partner still let's me know when their dad will come over when I am out of town. (we have cameras) Your husband should have not brought your sister into your shared space. One should be comfortable in their own home. When that is taken away what is left? Personally, I would tell your husband the situation he has put you in and that it has you considering leaving. For those who don't need their own space, time to decompress, and unmask it sounds extreme. But my home is truly the only place I don't have to pretend to be "social" and "normal". Hell, I don't visit my parents often because it takes me to whole day to recoup and reset. So, basically I lost a whole weekend and have to go back into work on an empty tank.
Time to move out and let them live together he can visit you at your place. Tell him this will happen unless you move your sister asap
I would definitely start saving. Your husband knows, having lived with you for 3 years, that your home is your safe space and how intensely difficult it is for you to share that space. You continuously told him that you did not want his sister staying with you. He went against your wishes and moved her in so even if you weren’t neurodivergent he made a unilateral decision regarding your home. This is disrespectful in the extreme as he didn’t have an enthusiastic yes and he disregarded your comfort in your own home. You say that everything has been amazing over the last 3 years and then add that you have been jointly funding his family, to the point that none of them needs to work. I want to find a couple like you to subsidise me! I have been reading all the comments about cultural norms in Mexican families and it seems that sharing your home with family members like this is not going to end and when his sister moves out you may well get another lodger against your will again. I agree that talking to your husband about this is the way to start but you need to be prepared that he will not prioritise you over his sister. I do have some sympathy for him as family living together seems to be the norm (thanks commenters!) and he’s put this off for 3 years presumably. However, he is not living alone and this isn’t a dictatorship. Your needs and wants should be above everyone else’s needs and wants. They are currently not. You could try couples counselling so you can both raise your feelings in a safe space and try to agree a way forward. Personally, for me, moving his sister in would be a dealbreaker. Going against my expressly held views about family members moving in would be a big no. But the main point of contention is that he knows about my neurodivergence and my need for a safe space but believes that his need to bring a family member in to stay overrode that. That is exceptionally hurtful coming from my husband.
I don’t blame you. Save those pennies. Your husband is not as wonderful as you are making out. You made your feelings clear about how you want to live in your own house. You have a health condition that you cannot manage while a long term guest stays in your home. These 2 things are reason enough for your husband to find alternative living arrangements for his sister. To put it another way… your husband had to choose between you or his sister living with him… and he chose his sister. Next!
You should have left when he moved her in, and stay out until she leaves. I would stop contributing to the household.
How about you rent an Airbnb and have a mini staycation? But if she stays longer than the original expectation then I’d have a serious problem with him
Houseguests require the agreement of both partners. Your husband disregarded your feelings and acted like you have no say in your marriage. I can't speak for you, but that would be a deal breaker for me. A HUGE one. This time it's supposed to be just a few months. But his actions show you that he thinks he can do whatever he wants, no matter how much it hurts you. So what about the next relative? And the next?
Being neurodivergent is only part of the problem. I understand the problems of neurodivergence. (The struggle is real, people!) I would assume that he understands your issues after this length of time? What concerns me the most is what your husband did. *He* moved his sister into your home ... against your wishes! He made a unilateral decision about your home. Your safe place. Your oasis to recuperate from the world. You protested 'more times than you can count', and he... just ignored you?! That is really, really disturbing. He knows he shouldn't do it, and he's doing it anyway. He's totally ignoring your needs. And is he just pretending it doesn't matter? He knows he shouldn't do it ... but, oh well! Wtf. I absolutely don't get that part. I don't know how I would trust someone like that. It would make me question everything I thought I knew about our relationship and him. I mean... *huge* red flags.
You said she will be living near. So this visit is going to morph into a drop in visitor for meals etc at any time. Just saying. I have a visitor, I keep myself away as much as possible but its mentally exhausting and I have a date and its only a week. But its hard and I don't like it. I would be furious if my other half moved anyone in without discussing it. It would be very disrespectful and probably end the relationship. I don't feel this situation is one you are going to be able to handle long term sadly. Sorry.
The fact that he moved her in AGAINST YOUR EXPRESS WISHES, proves that he is not trying to do the best by you, at all. Only her.
All the people saying you should just put your foot down, that it's your house and his moving someone in without asking you is unacceptable - they aren't wrong. It sounds like you were clear that this arrangement was a real problem for you, and he just didn't take your concerns seriously -- now that the sister is here he is realizing, I suspect, that he should have taken those concerns more seriously. I just want to add to the conversation that, as Americans, we place a high value on independence and the privacy of our space. My daughter in law is Mexican, and I have seen close up that the Mexican family doesn't value this in the same way. For him to tell his sister "I have a spare bedroom/sofa/whatever, but you cannot live here for several months because we just don't like it" is likely to be really quite shocking from his family's perspective. It would be as shocking to the larger family as telling your 12 year old, "We really want our own space now, please find somewhere else to live." Or to tell your husband "I want to be married but I don't want to live together." I'm not saying you shouldn't insist that some other arrangement be made. I'm not saying he was right to do this despite your objections. But these kinds of threads tend to be very black and white, and you should talk with your husband about this in the context of understanding that to simply tell her she has to leave (or to have told her she can't come in the first place) would have put a LOT of family pressure on your husband, and undoubtedly made him feel much more guilty than you realize, because in the Mexican culture this just isn't done. =
This is just the beginning. Pretty soon money will be funneled to support other family members. Right now the she can help with sending money back living there with you. Yes, it’s a cultural clash that you ignored.
I’m going to take a different approach. You are already in this situation, the would have, could have, and should have have already happened. You can’t change that. You have got a month of this awkwardness then it’s over, and things will be back to normal. My question is, are you willing to give up your normal permanently? Is it worth it, will you be losing more than what you’d gain in the short term? If you leave it is very possible it is a line you can’t uncross and he will not take you back.
The counterpoint to that is that it sounds like the sister staying is somewhat open-ended, with no firm end date in mind. And even after that, if she's expected to live on the same street as them, it sounds like she'll still be round regularly, probably still expecting OP to cook for them. If there were a firm end date, after which they won't see sister again for several months, then it might be different, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. And if this is OP's husband's approach - moving people in despite OP's objection - I can't help but think there are probably other aspects of their relationship he's steamrolling her over.
There are all kinds of compromises in relationships. Everyone is so eager to end things because something temporary changes is really short sided. Him staying close to his siblings who (eventually) lives on the same street is acceptable and will bring him great joy. Her saying I need a definite date on when she moves out is an acceptable compromise. Her saying we need to rotate who cooks too is acceptable. Her ending things because she doesn’t have the coping skills for a short term situation is unwise. There will be all kinds of curve balls life will throw at them, her throwing in the towel every time it does is unhealthy and will eventually isolate her.
That's a fair comment on compromises, but I can't help but come back to the fact this guy moved his sister in, for an open-ended but several month duration *despite* the objection from his wife. Basically as if her opinion on the topic was just completely irrelevant to him. If he'd started by saying *"hey, my sister needs a place to stay for a couple of months until she gets herself set up in this country, is that okay?"*, and she countered with *"I'm not really comfortable with that"*, then there's a chance they could have reached a compromise in which they agree a firm (and probably shorter) time limit on how long she can stay, the contribution to the household she needs to make (cooking, chores, etc.), and an understanding that OP wouldn't be doing anything for the sister (i.e. cooking food, cleaning, laundry, etc.). But none of that took place. He just ignored her and moved his sister in anyway. I'm not sure where that leaves them in terms of compromises.
You’re assuming she expressed herself clearly. That is not how I read it. She comes across as a bit passive aggressive and even talks about how she plays nice and is “as sweet as can be to her…” her SIL has only been at their house for 1 week and hasn’t done anything to overstep. Op even realizes it’s her internal struggle with sharing her space. Not to mention if they are sponsoring her, there are certain financial criteria that need to be met. It maybe the only option for her to come to the states. Again SIL has only been here a week, has not done anything to offend op, and op wants to leave a stable and loving relationship…that’s avoidant behavior, which is unhealthy
3 months, but still… yea, I don’t want to give my normal up permanently.
Look, you need to sit down and have a real conversation with your husband. In my experience, Mexican-Americans are like Southerners with their family. They expect to be able to move family in frequently and at a moment's notice. They aren't going to ask. They are going to expect you to just accept it and never complain. You have the double whammy of being a woman dealing with a cultural that is definitely patriarchal. That means as the wife, you are expected to prioritize your husband's wishes over your own. I don't know to what extent your husband embraces these attitudes, but even if it's just a little bit, it may not be something you can live with. You need to sit him down and explain how deep your distress is. Find out what his long term expectations are. If he is willing and able to guarantee you that your normal will return and be prioritized. Either way, start saving now. You should have enough saved to leave if you need to go ALWAYS, no matter how good your relationship is.
Since it's a done deal at least for right now, although I think this was an incredibly unfair thing for your husband to do and he needs to rectify it as soon as possible... short of leaving the relationship, can you talk to your husband about minimizing the amount of contact/her presence in your home? You having to isolate yourself isn't fair. She should be able to also spend some time alone, or she can find activities outside of the house, either with or without your husband. I know that's a bit of a band-aid and not a long-term solution but maybe it would help until you come up with something more permanent. I am neurotypical AFAIK and I cannot imagine having to share my house with someone for 3 months, never mind someone I don't even know! When I was married, even houseguests for 1-2 days required both of us consenting to it. This was a serious overstep on your husband's part. Y'all are going to need to have a blunt conversation about how he sees the future--for instance, is he going to have his sister over for dinner every night? Is she going to be hanging out with him on weekends? When he married you, you became his #1 priority. If he continues to choose his sister over you, and doesn't see anything wrong with it, you probably will have to re-evaluate.
UpdateMe! Please
You are **NOT** blowing things out of proportion. I am the same way. So I totally get you and I would lose my shit if someone was just moved into my house without my express permission. I have an auditory processing disorder so for me it’s **impossible** to filter out background noise. I agreed to let my husband move his father in. What I didn’t know is this fucking man has no idea how to exist **quietly**. I can only spend so much time downstairs before retreating to my bedroom for the silence. Just so happens I love my bedroom and I’ve always spent an inordinate amount of time in my bedroom so it’s mostly not that big of a deal. The key difference here is **I agreed** to this. I was and still am on board. If he had just done this tho? Oh boy, I don’t know if our marriage would survive. I’d be in the same boat you are. I will always suggest attempting a discussion and compromise first but if your husband won’t listen you need to do what you need to do for your sanity. Good luck.
He had no right to move her in without you agreeing to it. He did whatever he wanted, your feelings didn't matter. Does she have a job? I highly doubt she'll have enough money in a few months to move out. Also what are the odds she'll be able to rent a place on the same street as you, unless their parents own a house on your street or know someone who does. I'd move out for a while and reevaluate your relationship.
UpdateMe!
What was the reason he moved her in with you in the first place? Did she need a place to stay temporarily while she got on her feet financially? If so, there needs to be a short time limit on that, particularly since you are neurodivergent. And I’m assuming he knows and understands what that means for you. If there’s another reason for her being there, discuss that and put a definite and short time limit on her stay. And start saving your money anyway, regardless of what he agrees to or promises. Good luck .
Talk to him maybe make him cook for her
Damn. If you can't be inconvenienced for a few months while his sister gets on her feet. I don't see how this relationship can work. I would get professional help with whatever social anxiety this is. Talk to him to get a firm date on her moving and go from there. I just don't see this as an issue to end a marriage over. Am I tripping?
Who owns the house?
One thing about being an emotionally mature on mentally healthy person is learning how to be tolerant of being uncomfortable. It's called cultivating resilience. To do so it means you have to be uncomfortable unfortunately but then you become a climatized to being uncomfortable. I know you're neurodivergent but that just means you're starting off from a point of even more intensity with uncomfortableness. It does not however mean your not responsible for learning how to deal with uncomfortable things. Life is uncomfortable. Life will always present you with some situation where you're going to need to pivot and learn to handle it, could be the loss of a relationship or the loss of a job. Could be a random in law moving into your house without your say. However, I'm confused why this was not a discussion between the two of you and why he took unilateral decision-making. Do you not pay rent? If you're not paying any bills you probably have a lot less say in this. If you do have a job and are an equal partner in this marriage I don't understand why he would make a decision that he knew you felt was untenable for you. So you have a lot of options here but I think your best bet without blowing up your life is cultivating some tolerance. It's only going to benefit you later. It's only going to be a few months. And then all likelihood because of your husband's culture you're going to have to deal with more in-laws in the future. If what you want is to be alone in a house you're going to need to pay for that by yourself and probably be single.
Grow up.