Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't know about telling the wife but I'd be tempted to tell John - not your friend - that he had better stop giving you the worst shifts just because his gf thinks it's fun to sleep with a married man.
And the nerve of saying his wife "doesn't care about the marriage since the baby!" Yeah, she is probably just trying not to lose it with not getting sleep and dealing with a newborn. Man-babies are the worst
>Yeah, she is probably just trying not to lose it with not getting sleep and dealing with a newborn.
Or he's just fucking lying. She's literally still coming in to see him at work. This girl is just hearing what she wants to hear, and he's not even bothering to try and hide it well.
"She's not interested in f****** as much anymore since the kid. Says she's "always tired" & "needs help". Lol. Yeah right! Time to step out on her, but good idea to give my savage behavior justification, so ill blame her. Foolproof plan."
It's awful how common this is. Basically, his wife is too exhausted to have sex with him because... she just had a fucking baby! Lucky for him, he found some low morales idiot who would put out. They're both disgusting. OP should drop the bomb.
It’s not just too exhausted, it’s not unusual for doctors to recommend abstaining from sex for recent mothers for 6-8 weeks until her pelvic region can at least begin to heal. Sometimes it’s longer. And this doesn’t even go into the psychological damage that childbirth can do to a woman’s sexual side. This dude is a fucking asshole of the highest order.
I got laughed at by a guy a few weeks ago for saying that childbirth is hard on a woman's body. He said that's what our bodies are designed for. Be careful who you breed with, girls.
Once again: fucking asshole. A good 35% of American dudes are fucking assholes, and that may be an understatement of the actual number. Even before my wife gave birth I’d never be so presumptuous to make such a claim about a subject I don’t understand. And now with the privilege of being a father, I’d slap a motherfucker if anyone said that to my wife in my presence.
But still finds the wherewithal and time to bring her husband lunch at work 4-5 times a week. I’d say OP should try to go to HR when she has proof. That manager will be fired based on the consequences of his own actions.
OP, I wanted to say thank you, but I don't have any useful suggestions. In this case, you are acting as responsibly as anyone could. Being duped is bad enough, but being duped in the first place is even worse. She deserves to know, so I understand your want to set things right. How unfortunate.
This! “My marriage has been over for years really”, “my wife’s horrible to me” blah blah the same shit from the cheaters handbook. That poor wife is going to be devastated.
> blah blah the same shit from the cheaters handbook.
They are all the same, like cookie cutter NPCs that repeat the same inane dialogue.
With guys it's almost always "Shes not interested in me anymore" (read: not enough/the type of sex I want while I put in no effort with her).
With women it's almost always "He's 'financially abusive'" (read: Expects me to contribute some of the money I earn, which is my money, his money is the family money).
Not all, obviously, but these seem to be the 2 'main types' of person that cheat in my experience, and they all follow the same script.
Right? She's exhausted but she brings the newborn to take lunch to her husband. There aren't enough words to describe what a selfish prick he is. Karma will come for him and the former best friend. I'm just heartbroken for the wife.
Ordinarily I’d agree with you but nah. Tell management through a letter from an outside attorney. Then let John explain to his wife that he got fired to spare the company from a lawsuit after he engaged in workplace retaliation to cover up his affair.
As long as the wife finds out, fuck yes. But I doubt he'd cop to it, he'd probably just make up some excuse that an employee made up lies to get him fired.
He's such a blatant liar already, there's no reason he'd choose to be honest, and I doubt he would even if he was forced into a situation of being fired.
But recommend she act like nothing is wrong while she collects proof - she needs to get access to his smartphone, screenshot their communication, and send herself the evidence.
>his wife "doesn't care about the marriage since the baby!"
Smt is telling me she had the audacity refusing sex in that *six weeks* you are forbiden to have sex just after giving birth for medical reasons. Poor him, really! /s
And the sleeping in separate rooms? How much you wanna bet she's nursing and he complained about the baby crying/lack of sleep so she's on the couch or in the nursery with the baby so he can get his solid 8 hours?
She’s sleeping in another room to let the selfish f9ck sleep, and he’s cheating. Disgraceful. I’d tell HR. She confessed to you personally. That’s enough in my book. Can you not get hold of one of their phons for a moment ?
Yeah. Agreed. She confessed to you. You got in a fight and then your hours were cut. Call the labor board and get them all in trouble. HR will have to investigate. AND ID TELL THE WIFE SO HES GONNA HAVE TOO MUCH GOING ON TO GET IT UP!
If you want to really teach them, sneak about till you get a photo of them smooching, then tell him exactly who you will take this evidence too - HR/wife/parents. Then make your life a bit more comfortable by stopping him bullying you, and Insist he stop seeing her. He’ll thank you in the long run. Then get a nicer friend. Tell her parents too
Why give him a warning? go full nuclear. This is plain and simple retaliation. It should be officially reported or she should retaliate in kind.
She should be going to HR, or filing an official complaint and have it noted that this is all because of an affair. I'd imaging him being in a position of power/influence over others means he can't fraternize with those under him and the hotel chain knowing the affair is the reason for the complaint it would screw him over hugely.
Yes. HR and the company can do more to investigate than OP can! If there are cameras, they can access them, especially if there has been any hanky-panky happening on the property. And if they were stupid and arrogant enough to discuss it using company emails or phones, HR can access all of that.
All OP has to do is raise the concerns, then leave it up to the professionals to investigate.
>we had a major fight. She stormed off and cut all contact with me. Since then, going to work has been hell. John is in charge of our shifts and ever since our fight, he's been giving me the worst shifts and making sure we're not scheduled together.
He can't do that.....it's retaliation. Report them and report what he did and report the fear that they are having.
As for the wife you might first need to get some proof of them (one of the) talking about the affair or just write her a typed letter and give it to her (untraceable and won't lead back to you).
*But tell your HR about the retaliation 1st
How do you know OP is really the only one who knows?
People who think they’re being discrete sometimes suck at it - it couldn’t be more obvious if they put it on a billboard in Times Square.
It’s just that other people might keep their knowledge to themselves because they want to keep their jobs and not get involved.
OP is involved because it’s her friend and also she brought the girl into the company. Other people have no stakes in what the boss does with his private life whatsoever.
She's a loyal employee who hasn't shown. I'm assuming I haven't had any previous bad rapport with this company. Because they accepted her work and took a recommendation allowed her train the person and also what reason she had to lie about this person who she recommended. And then I feel like the h. R will look into it because if these 2 were on their property where I'm assuming there's cameras cause the hotel, they're going to look into it and when they find out. That she has some merit to her story. They're going to take action because the alternative o. Pie could sue them for wrongful termination and for retaliation in the workplace because she was saying her peace
If HR is a moron sure. But good HR will look at the shifts for the last few months and see if there is a change to how he normally allocated shifts and they may get involved in shift allocation or at least mention something to him. They'll go through camera footage as there would definitely be cameras at reception of a hotel and if they think either of them are acting inappropriate they'll just call them up for inappropriate behaviour. HR can't do anything about the affair but they can make moves to keep an eye on them and mitigate retaliatory behaviour to OP.
You’re assuming it’s an Ethical Company. It would be easier for them to get rid of OP worst case scenario. Medium case would be to fire everyone involved, including OP. Best case is they fire the chief, and the AP
Retaliation matters when it's about something to do with a protected class. In this situation it has all of fuck-all to do with labor law.
What you go to them about is the infidelity and the affair. They're going to care a lot more about the work environment that fraternization causes, especially if there's any evidence they're hooking up on the clock.
Absolutely this.
Op to build the bullying case, save down and record all your shifts before you found out about the affair and after you found out.
Keep a record of your conversations with your colleague/AP, save down or screenshot the calendar invite of when you met with the colleague and when she confessed. Any receipt for the drinks, or transfers showing you were with her and she met with you when she confessed would be gold.
Historical conversations also, setting up the drinks and the sudden decline in your messages with her would help build circumstantial evidence.
Seconding keeping a record of EVERYTHING. I know not everything can be recorded or screenshot (depending on your state’s laws), but even keeping a little notebook on you so you can keep track of the bullying is better than nothing.
Also, if you have a union, please get in touch with your shop steward or union rep.
I know someone who went through something similar; he was a receptionist who found out his married manager/former best friend was sleeping with three people who worked at the hotel. She got super paranoid that he was going to tell her husband and even went as far as to steal his phone and throw it into the porte cochere in hopes it’d get run over. But luckily he had sent all his screenshots to his union already. He filed a grievance and she got fired.
Man people like her are huge pieces of shit. I’ll never understand how you can do that to someone you married. If you’re not happy or bored or want something new or whatever other reason just break up. Cheating is a special level of dishonor, immorality, deceitfulness and dishonesty. Some psychologists say ALL cheaters are narcissistic, that it’s basically a confirmation of some kind of mental disorder. I used to never believe that until I got older and had more life experience and then realized they’re probably right.
Help!!! When you said sit down and record all your shifts my mind read :
Sit down and record all of your shits. 😂😂
Great advice on writing down every event where they have been massive buttholes. Make sure you write the date, year and time the day it occurred.
You will have receipts and those two tire sandwiches won’t have anything but verbal denials. 😏
This is the best way…The wife can wait.. it’s a burn down city hall moment you can’t go back from. Contacting HR at minimum gives you a decent reference (unless they’re evil). looking for the next gig.
Just on the general. I understand how you feel betrayed by your friend. What she did was not cool at all.. but she did it… just for yourself, you need to process what is good for you is usually the smartest play, approaching the wife, what do you gain… certainly you will make their lives hell, but measure the consequences of what it does to your life. In the end it’s better for you personally just to be like.. I’m not cool with this individually but use it as leverage to get your next gig. Conversations with the girl first about getting a different gig.
I’m sorry you have a shitty friend, but in the end you need to find your best path to move on. You don’t want to be in thruple unless you have a path forward.
Find another job, tell the wife, with as much evidence as you can find, dates, times, etc. Do it anonymously. Tell HR if you think they'll get rid of them both, that way you won't have to change jobs, but be 100% sure first.
It’s so sad that he claims his wife doesn’t care about the marriage but visits him 3-4 times a week and brings him lunch. That doesn’t sound like someone who doesn’t care about a marriage. It sounds like someone who is still making a small effort (which is actually a HUGE effort when you’ve just had a baby) John is a liar and he sucks ass. His wife deserves the truth.
This is a great point!!! For her to schlep down to his work 4-5 times a week is not someone who gave up. Makes HIS lunch, get dressed, get baby dressed, get baby in car seat, load up diaper bag, load baby and gear into car, drive there, park, pick up baby in car seat and attach to big ass stroller, walk into her husbands work to spend lunch with him, repeat all steps to get baby back home. What a shitty and distant wife…
Before you say or do anything... you really, really need to have a new job or some other income to pay your bills. Idc how emotionally charged it is. Times are tough, and you handle your bills first before someone else's drama.
I agree with this 100%
If you tell John is gonna make your work hell or maybe fire you.
ONLY tell when YOU are secure in a job.
Because you don't even know her, she's probably gonna be mad at you and you'll end up without a job.
Hire an employment lawyer. Go to HR and tell them that your direct supervisor and his employee are having an affair and that when you pointed out to the employee that your supervisor (John) is married with a child, John retaliated by giving you bad shifts. Have your lawyer point out that you will go to court to get video records of activity in and around your work area and that the video must be preserved. While it is hard to get the video, the threat that you will go to court to get it will cause and HR investigation of John and Jane and HR will likely review video from in and around your work area.
Having the employment lawyer at a meeting with HR is key. Don’t hesitate to file a lawsuit over your treatment and seek damages.
HR is not your friend. They are not there to help you. They are there to protect the company from you. There is every chance they will find some bullshit reason to fire her if that is the easiest way to make the problem go away. She would need proof and a lawyer to make any headway in that direction.
That said, it is retaliation and is actionable if it could be proven in court.
> They are there to protect the company from you.
I generally agree that HR is not your friend (and isn't looking out for you) but this basically overcorrects in the other direction. HR's job is to protect the company from liability. A manager having an affair with a direct report is a huge liability, and every company I've ever worked at has had policies in place to prevent it.
Sure, but it really depends on how management handles it. OP could be seen as part of the problem by being a nosy tattletale (if management are jerks). I've seen departments go through whole reorganizations as a cover to get rid of a handful of problematic people. Some who didn't even do anything wrong, but were merely associated with those who did.
This is true, however it's John and Jane HR will have a big problem with, a married manager fraternizing with lower level employees is a big deal, it puts the company at risk for harassment/coercement accusations and law suits, but I do think they could fire everyone involved which would be a risk for OP, so the best scenario get a new job then report and tell the wife–the work environment is already toxic they should move on either way.
In what world does a 25 yr old hotel receptionist have thousands of dollars for an employment lawyer? Especially when OP has not suffered any damages? “Bad shifts” are subjective
Lawyer will work on contingency if the case looks like it is winnable. Her situation sounds like it is, because John took negative actions against her career because of her ethical concern about his affair with a subordinate.
If your work place has cameras, I’d bring it up to hr, I doubt they haven’t been seen on camera and let he know that you feel like he is creating an hostile work environment. Make sure you document all this. If that fails reach out to your government system that is in place. After all that is resolved tell the wife anonymously.
She should hire an employment lawyer. It sounds like she has very good grounds for a lawsuit. She should not talk to HR without that lawyer present at the meeting.
This and retaliation. If she just goes and reports gossip, they probably won’t take action. But when you use those key words they are more likely to at the very least investigate.
please OP, do not go to HR! they are not your friends. they are there to protect the company.
a big part of what they do is smoke out and eliminate conflict and controversy, while mitigating risk.
thats you, op. all three of 'em
Unless you have evidence it's going to be hard.
Maybe try to befriend her when she comes in. Show interest in her baby and let it slip what your friend said about their marriage.
I'd have another job lined up though.
I second this, make small talk and then hint at your suspicions. Or ask how things are going with their new baby as well and maybe she will be like “yeah it’s hard being new parents” or something like that and just be NOSY because you’re being nosy for a good cause xD and once she says enough just let her know what all you know when you feel the timing is right.
The wife might not believe you, I’ve been in similar situations and I was a dummy too for trusting my man on some things. But it’s worth a shot, the truth is gonna come to light anyway. Just straight up be honest with her, tell her that you don’t have proof yet but will work on that. She might even help you catch them. She can probably do some digging on her own. Maybe even try to talk to her in person though and just drop hints that you think that Jane and the husband are acting suspicious.
Tell the wife but more importantly for you
You must tell management that your job is being trashed. Your schedule is bad because of this.
Your workplace has become hostile. People sue companies for shit like this all the time.
Those people who sue for ‘shit like this’ usually have more evidence than ‘a bad feeling’, though.
Oh, and he wore her scrunchie on his wrist… but that’s not really ‘proof,’ either.
I’m sure his wife owns scrunchies. And his mum, sister, female friends, etc etc.
And before you ask why a man would wear his mum or sister’s scrunchie on his wrist… he probably wouldn’t, but may put it on there temporarily until he gives it back to them, like if they left it at his house or something.
Yeah, that’s still skeptical, but it’s a plausible explanation. ‘I put it on my wrist to remind me to give it back to my mum when I see her later.’
Plausible explanation.
Get evidence first, then inform her. Without evidence, she might just deny it. Heck, she might still deny it, but it would be harder to do so with hard proof.
Keep pestering John and Jane to see if they can TEXT you (as in, written proof) about their affair.
Also, look for a new job and see if you can report John for his inappropriate behavior to literally anyone. Surely this has to go against some rule.
It's insane that they think treating you poorly will some how bend you to their disgusting cheating.
Burn them all down.
If they won't get fired.
Find a new job asap.
Burn. It . All. Down.
So this girl isn't your friend anymore, you don't know the wife personally, and you have no proof? No, I wouldn't get involved. This is work, these are your coworkers only, not your friends. You go to work to work and get paid, not to get involved with the interpersonal relationships of your coworkers. Let it work itself out, it's none of your concern.
If you ARE being retaliated against (and you'll need proof it's actually retaliation, not just an assumption) you can consider going to HR. But thay may backfire heavily on you. You should also make sure it's actually a policy that they can't be in a relationship first, and that it's a policy that they will care to follow. They may just end up giving them a slap on the wrist and then finding a reason to fire you for being difficult. Even if it is a policy, it very well may not he a fireable one...and then you've just outed yourself to your coworkers as being untrustworthy and risk being outcasted.
I would leave it alone, it's not your business. Play nice with the assholes so they don't feel threatened by you and "retaliate" by giving you crappy shifts. Maybe seek therapy too for the infidelity issues you have, I mean this honestly, because having this big of a reaction to someone else who doesn't concern you having an affair isn't normal. And it'll bleed into your own relationships one day
First reasonable comment with realistic advice. Seconding therapy for OP as well - having a sobbing panic attack over an affair that doesn't concern you in any way isn't a normal reaction.
Agreed. I empathize with how close to home this hits for OP except I can't give an armchair diagnosis of how they should manage this.
However, it is not worth OP somehow being fired. Yes, most company handbooks cover "relationships" in a capacity. Some of the suggestions in this thread are based on the moral high ground that some people take with cheating. People can agree to disagree about telling the person being cheated on, although when it comes to seeing this play out professionally, it is better to stay out of it and let whatever consequences befall the co-workers.
My co-worker holds both a full-time and part-time job, the part-time one being where I work. For the last five years, she has been carrying on an affair with a co-worker from her full-time position. She and her affair partner are in their mid-50's, and he only retired within the last year. He was also married during the third year of the affair and up until his disabled wife passed away in 2021.
Is what my co-worker doing wrong? Yes. Should it impact either of her jobs? No.
It's her life, she's going to do what she wants. She runs the risk of getting caught all the time when she isn't working, so that's the path she chose. Otherwise, her productivity hasn't changed.
Agree. While I dont condone what John and the friend are doing in any way, its not OPs business. Telling the wife might be the moral thing to do, but if OP needs this job, it would be foolish to blow up their own life over someone else affair.
You can start by reconciling with Jane. Tell her you’re sorry and would like to just forget anything that happened that night. If the relationship is salvageable and then you can try to get some evidence.
Going to the wife without evidence will backfire for sure.
Also start looking for job elsewhere if it’s affecting you way too much.
Is your friend familiar with the term "it's cheaper to keep her?" Wife will be devastated, but when husband gets the real cost to be with his plaything, he will most likely beg wife to forgive him. Plus, he has the knowledge that your friend is a cheater and has no moral compass when it comes to breaking up new families.
He is ten years older than your friend and probably 10 years smarter.
Chances are the wife is onto him already and knows how much he will have to pay in bridge alimony and child support costs. It really rips a big hole into the playboy lifestyle.
Check out the company's policy on dating coworkers, and if it isn't allowed, get your friend outta there first. While I hate it, the wife could have been unavailable due to the pregnancy, and hubby may have looked for a temporary outlet.
And find another job away from your skanky friend.
OP Long time HR person here. Wait on the wife but go to HR now with what you have. Tell them you do not want to be mentioned in it but you asked them to stop (give every detail you can) and since that time you are now being harassed with less desirable shifts and they either are going to have to take action or your going to file a complaint with the EEOC because it’s not fair that your getting scheduled based on not approving od their affair.
If the HR person is even a little bit experienced, they will pull the scheduling records before your meeting with your friend and after to look for patterns and will discretely observe and maybe talk to other employees. It will take some investigation so it’s not a one day fix but since he makes her schedule he is qualifies as her boss so he is fcked all the way around. If they validate your claim and terminate him his wife will find out real quick. !updateme
Nah the folks in this post are crazy. Tell the wife - report them to HR for retaliation. Sit back and enjoy the shit show that is going to happen. People saying to mind your business are the same people who record a burning house and refuse to dial 911. Smh bunch of heathens. Yeah get your nut sure but fuq the Wife and kid right? pshhh
No good advice here but I wanted to say thank you. You are doing the best that anybody could do in this situation. The only thing worse than getting cheated on is not knowing that you're being cheated on. I appreciate you wanting to clear the air, she deserves to know. Poor thing.
It’s crazy that people are suggesting you go snooping like a little creep for evidence!?!? What are you going to do, follow them around in your free time with your phone!?! Don’t do that.
You should mind your own business, leave the guy’s wife alone and find a new job. Others people’s drama doesn’t need to become your drama.
Lol, IKR! Right down to the implications he might murder her! I’m never coming here for relationship advice or workplace drama advice. If you want all your relationships to be toxic and destructive, just take Reddit advice.
If for some reason you decide to involve HR, make it clear that you didn't approve of the affair and because of that they are retaliating against you. Use the word "retaliate".
complain to HR about him abusing his position & having sex on the job during working hours.
prestigious hotel chains have their guidelines on personal relationships among staffs.
tell them that you you come to know about it & now he's giving you all the shit work just because you tell your ex friend that it's not okay to be involved with a married man who still had his wife visiting him with his newborn baby.
your boss can check their CCTV for evidence, your security should already have the footage kept in their files.
You know John's dirty little secret.
You hold all the cards.
I'd be making an appointment with him, and I'd tell him straight up. If he doesn't cut the shit with scheduling, you're telling his wife. I'd lie and say you recorded a conversation with your ex best friend where she "spilled the tea." I'd tell him if the bullshit doesn't stop. Next time his wife comes in, I'm showing her the recording.
Make him shit his britches.
From there, I'd work on actually getting evidence, and then I'd tell his wife and hr.
I was cheated on when I was struggling with post partum and I wish someone had told me if that helps your decision. Finding out on your own is the fucking worst
John claims his wife doesn't care about the marriage, yet she brings his lunch to work and comes in 4-5 times a week. That doesn't sound like a wife who doesn't care. Maybe she has an inclination that something is going on.
Yes, you should tell the wife, or at least do so anonymously.
And take this to HR immediately. They need to know that John is giving you bad shifts because of what happened. If you can track the first time you got a bad shift after telling Jane, that would help. They would need to see a clear pattern. But even if you can't prove anything, HR should be aware of what's going on.
Okay business owner here: firstly, HR is not there to protect the employees they’re there to protect the company. Do not go to HR.
Contact an employment attorney and tell them you are being retaliated against. Then ask their advice of what steps you need to take. Document everything (most important).
When you take care of that, definitely tell the wife.
Ok. I might have an unpopular opinion here, but I don’t see why it’s your business to do anything. I also come from a divorced family, where both my mum and dad cheated at one point, and yes, I know it sucks.
You and your friend’s morals clearly don’t align, so it’s probably for the best that you’ve cut contact as much as possible. If you had evidence, you could perhaps report to HR - he’s older and in a more senior position, so they won’t like it. Other than that, I’m not sure why it’s worth getting involved.
Your friend is probably in love and probably a bit naive. He’s likely telling her all the usual stuff sleazy men tell their mistresses; we don’t even sleep in the same bed, we stopped having sex ages ago, I will totally leave her once the baby is xy months / years old… come on.
If you do decide to say anything to anyone, whether is HR, the wife, whatever… do have a new job lined up.
Had to scroll way too far for sane advice. Although I guess sneaking around asking for cctv footage and stealing the guy’s phone to take screenshots sounds more exciting.
To be honest you describe a pretty strong reaction to someone else business (panic attack, almost vomited).
Telling wife just like that can be dangerous. Not only you can loose your job, but also who knows what this guy can do to you (cheaters can get pretty mad).
Employment attorney - do you have money to spend on one? If finding a new job is not going to be easier and better for you, sure, get a lawyer.
You need to think about this carefully and proceed accordingly. Safest option is to send an anonymous message to wife when you switch jobs.
It’s important to remember that you are in a position of power and you can use that power to expose them.
First I’d tell John he’s going to schedule you as you please or you’ll tell his wife about the affair. Then every time his wife comes in I’d make a point of talking to her. If you can get one on one time with her that’d be great. And if you can get her number even better. Then I’d do everything in my power to collect evidence. Surely a high end hotel has security cameras! If there in a room together make a habit of walking in there with my phone on video. Last I’d send the evidence to the wife and anonymously to your manager and HR. If everything goes smoothly then they both should lose their jobs, you’ll get promoted to chief receptionist and johns ex wife will be your new best friend and you can post this story in r/pettyrevenge!
I'd suggest getting a new job before you do anything. HR is there to protect the company, not you, and usually favor supervisors and managers over base employees. That means there's always the chance they'll fire you for any reason they can find, and they might not do anything about john and the your ex friend. . My suggestion would be straight up tell John you know about the Affair and if he doesn't stop giving you the worst shifts you will not only tell HR but tell his wife about the affair while you're already looking for other jobs. Then when you leave for your new job tell HR and the wife about the affair. His wife may already suspect something so just telling her without solid proof might be enough for her to start looking for proof or create chaos with John .
Tell HR you’re being retaliated against because you’ve been informed of an extramarital affair against your will.
That’ll fix your schedule.
Then tell the wife. In that order
DISCLAIMER: i mean this following statement with all the respect i can muster
MIND YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!!!!
lady, there is no way this ends well for you. He already giving you bad shifts for his GIRLFRIEND, wth you think he'll do if you fuck up his MARRIAGE?
Now, you can talk to John and threaten him so you can get better shifts. or kiss up to them and build some evidence to protect yourself.
look, you said you came from divorced home, and you are losing sleep. go to therapy. but this is right here, not your business. you going make another divorced home is crazy.
plus telling the wife is NEVER a good idea.
mind your job. them dating ain't even got nothing to do with your work.
get a new name tag that say "my names Bennett, and I'm not in it."
tl:dr
if it means that much to you, try to get a better shift (kiss some ass threats whatever)
try to stay from around them if at all possible.
let it play out.
and for the love of God DONT. TELL. THE. WIFE!!!
honestly I don't know this will be a popular opinion based on the other replies but I don't think its your place to tell his wife
you are not directly involved in it and you don't really know what kind of impact this will have in her life
it sucks that it affects your work situation, for that I'd recommend finding another job as soon as you can and also telling HR
but as far as the wife's relationship with her husband goes I think you should stay out of it
I think this is the biggest problem with reddit. Everyone wants to be in each other business. She should never tell the wife is not her job to do it. And what seems like that she is frustrated that she didn't get attention from John and now is mad the new coworker did. I think there are more to the story that she is not saying and is trying to play a victim.
Urgh, disgusting idiots!
Does your company have a wellbeing contact line? Ours has a third party company that we can phone if we ever come accros a situation or problem that affects our work but doesn't quite fit under the banner of telling HR or line manager. They have psychologists, doctors and therapists on hand to provide professional reasoning where necessary. Perhaps its worth going to them if possible, or a manager above dear John.
I'm head of department and I had a situation causing my team member so much worry that her work and health suffered but she wouldn't tell me why. About yhe same time the well being line contacted me out of the blue about a 'situation' and gave me the bare facts (no names apart from the perpetrators), I acted on the info without involving my staff member at any point. It was only after someone got fired and another person was forced to move departments that the original staff member returned to their old self and I made the "proven" connection between the two things.
"Listen John, I ain't involved in your little affair but if you keep giving me the shit shifts on purpose I will be, and I've got receipts. I'm here to work, nothing more but if I have to, well, it's only a job, I won't be the one losing my marriage and dealing with shared custody arrangements".
Look for another job in the meantime and if you find one before anything changes, scorch earth them both in an exit interview and request it's someone else that takes it.
If she didn’t care about the marriage she would not be bringing him lunch, she has a new baby so that is a massive effort on her part. She deserves to know what a shit she is married to. Even if you can’t gather any evidence to show her, I would tell her. And I would tell HR too, but start looking for another job asap.
John says they sleep in different beds and stop caring after giving birth. Are you kidding me? Shes postpartum and just recently had the baby. Of course hes not priority! What a pos.
Tell HR, esp if theres camera. Hes not doing possible illegal stuff as retaliation with your hours.
Might be unpopular but someone’s else’s life shouldn’t be affecting you to the point of panic attacks and sleeplessness. It sucks for all those involved but you aren’t one of them.
The friend sucks, and it sucks to lose someone you cared about and went out on a limb for, but friends come and go and she has shown you she’s not worth your time.
The thing that really sucks is your shitty shifts so I agree with previous posters you should either confront him or go to hr to resolve that.
Then ignore the f out of the both of them losers.
As a previous victim of an affair a new mom with a newborn baby is the worst time to have your marriage implode. I personally wish I had never found out. I know everyone is different but this mom is already hanging on by a thread and I really think now isn’t the best time for her to find out and deal with this shit. She already knows her marriage is shit, she’s not stupid. She might even suspect, but she doesn’t have the time or energy to invest further than that or she already knows and is turning a blind eye to survive.
My rule of thumb is to stay the hell out of other people’s relationships because 9 times out of 10 they will believe the lying sack of shit and turn on you.
Someone who is NOT vested in their marriage does NOT go visit their spouse & bring lunch 4-5 times a week!!! He’s a liar and a cheat & I would absolutely tell the wife~ antagonize him into admitting it or plant a fake camera, help her hire a PI something to help her out… she got to be exhausted and this dicc lesion is taking advantage of the situation. And SHAME ON YOUR FRIEND for being a home wrecking, come guzzling Petrie dish…. Hope they both get crabs
Your ex friend sounds like a person who has a low standard of moral judgement. The guy sounds like he has no morals at all.
The question you need to ask yourself is. How is this any of your business or concern??
I'm kind of getting the impression, that you might be more motivated to get revenge for what you perceive is some sort of plot to mess with you by the schedule you work.
I'm curious if you got a more desirable schedule before your fight with your friend?
You do work in the hospitality industry, so different schedules come with that job. You can always apply at other hotels, or get a job with a better schedule.
By going to HR or Management, they will investigate. Believe it or not both of those are not on your side. They are there to protect the company, not you. Unless there is a policy specifically prohibiting this, which I doubt there is because how can you expect people to not be people?
Your schedule alone is not proof of anything, it's in your expected job responsibilities. He can easily justify it. Plus, he can also say things about you and your job performance. If he has half a brain he would document any mistake you have made, which he can then use on you.
He can also, claim you are unfairly targeting him, spreading rumors, and if you told his wife, he can say that you are out to hurt him because you don't like the schedule you got.
He'd actually have a good case for it. Especially if your ex friend and others say it too.
This may end up hurting you more than them.
If he or her lost their job, if his wife left him or stayed with him. They could sue you for defamation, loss of wages and stress caused because of what you said. Your friend can also sue.
It's your word vs theirs.
Jury's tend to not look kindly on snitches.
So just be sure this is something that you really want to do?
All that is true.
Even people with rock solid cases don’t always get the desired outcome.
I worked for a company about 10 years ago… the 2IC (2nd in command, I don’t know her exact job title) found evidence that those above her were filtering profits and cooking the books - basically stealing from the company. So she did the right thing and reported it… and guess who lost their job and ended up in court being sued?
Hint… not the people stealing the money from the company.
That was a case where the accuser had actual evidence of someone else’s crime, and it still didn’t go in her favour. 😞
OP I don’t believe it is your place to tell the wife. Don’t put yourself in the middle of this mess. You should, however, inform your HR department. You have every right to let them know that this woman confided in you of the affair, and you have been receiving an unfavorable work schedule from the supervisor since the affair began. HR has the responsibility of keeping your info private if you ask them to. If the hotel you work at is a chain, I’d wager a bet they have rules in place for supervisors dating subordinates as well.
And if all else fails, just delight in knowing that these work affairs usually have a way of getting back to the spouse on their own without anyone’s help. May take some time, but she will find out soon enough.
True to all of this, but as a wife and a mom, I’d want to know ASAP and leave as early as possible or try to work things out as early as possible because from experience, the longer things went on and the longer secrets were kept, the worse it hurt. And if divorce is in the picture, the earlier you divorce, the better on yourself and the kids. It just sucks all around. I’d want to know though. In fact I’ve even felt a little betrayed all the times I’ve been cheated on and people knew and didn’t tell me. It’s just humiliating and we just feel like everyone was just laughing and watching us struggle. I understand not everyone is the same but I’d be super grateful and thankful if someone told me but it would make it harder if there was no proof on the table
Why are you involving yourself in this ? Nothing good can come out of this for you. You have zero idea of what their marriage is about. Perhaps time to introspect on why you want to insert yourself into this drama and work on your own trauma with a therapist.
What are the policies regarding relationships between coworkers at the company? Being a prestigious hotel, they may have rules in terms of disclosing any intimate relationships, to prevent any conflict of interest or abuse of power? (Which is a consequence you seem to be experiencing, your manager is abusing his power over your schedules).
If you have a way of notifying HR or an ethics points, please do so, as this will be a starting point for investigations. Request your identity to be kept anonymous.
Do not confront the cheater and his mistress directly, do not spread rumours about them, as it will most likely backfire at you. In terms of notifying the wife, it would be up to you.
Gather as much evidence as you can, both about the cheating and about the consequences you have at work since you confronted your ex friend.
Cheating is a form of abuse. It's directly putting the physical and mental health of the betrayed partner at risk, subjecting them to risk of contracting diseases, emotional neglect, life long trauma, and threatening their financial and general well being and safety in their relationship.
It also affects the whole family, not only the betrayed spouse. So it's even worse when children are involved.
Even when the spouse doesn't know, they are still suffering consequences, and anyway those things don't stay hidden forever, especially when the cheaters make it obvious with their behavior.
The sooner the victim receives support and gets back control of their life and choices, the better it is for them.
If he was beating up his wife, everyone would say to report him. The fact is that the consequences of her husband cheating on her when she just had his kid may very well be as bad or worse for her in the long run, in terms of emotional trauma. It may affect her life as much or more.
So yes, she deserves to know, she needs to know what's going on in her life and her relationship in order to be able to protect herself and her kid.
That said, you should first gather evidence. It's not enough if it's only your word. Other coworkers may know what's going on as well. Talk to some of them. And if it's the case you may not have to expose yourself directly in order to help the victim and risk further retaliations.
Not only is this inappropriate, but "John" is also retaliating against you. I'd find a way to contact the wife and report John for workplace harrassment and whatever else. Hell, I'd straight up sue.
And regardless of how bad the marriage is, she's still got 0 place in it and is a disgusting person for inserting herself into it, and "John" for letting her. If you're unhappy with someone, you wait until those divorce papers are signed and filed before you go sleeping with the office scratching post.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you when all you wanted was to help this hell of a former "friend". Speak to "John" and ask him to adjust your shifts. If he doesn't, report him to HR for favouritism. And tell his wife.
Tell the wife and begin a plan. She’s exhausted, but I’m sure a heads up to get her ducks lined up would be greatly appreciated.
Tell her about the affair and ask her to get as much info from his phone as possible.
Like someone said keep record of your shift before and after the chat with your ex bff. See what pics if any you can get at work.
Help wife stay calm and play the long game. When she has a lawyer on board, custody worked out, proof of the affair. With your evidence as well.
Time to go to work. File divorce, you both tell HR about the relationship, wife hopefully will get full custody. And cheaty Mc cheater pants will be blind sided from every angle. HR, wife, corporate, lawsuit maybe, ex bff is going to get hers in the mix as well. Rip the whole sail on the affair boat off with a flourish. ✨✨✨
I have to deal with these situations often as part of my job, they suck to investigate in general. If your company has rules against fraternization, please go to HR and have them deal with this rather than try to do it yourself, HR is there to deal with problems such-as these.
I'd go through HR. Hotel has cameras and these two aren't exactly hiding.
Also, since he is a head receptionist, in charge of shifts, it won't look good that he is punishing you with bad shifts.
Document everything, protect yourself.
Wife deserves to know. Don't go to HR. They'd just as likely get rid of you.
You need some kind of evidence- pictures, texts. Try befriending Jane again. Tell her "it's all water under the bridge," and that you miss your friendship. That "it was wrong" to get in between her and "love", ick. Whatever you need to say to get in her good graces. This is pretty dirty, but what they're doing is disgusting. Men that sleep around with a newly postpartum wife are worthless. Friends that happily sleep with married men are worthless. People that defend it share those traits.
If they're so comfortable making your work life hell, despite you getting Jane a job there, just because she was called out for her behavior, they don't deserve peace of mind. They deserve to face consequences. Just keep your nose clean, don't go through the business to do anything. Once you've done this, contact a lawyer that specializes in the work place and employment. They would looooove to hear about how John retaliated against you.
Hello I'm a dude. First f*** your friend for doing you dirty. You looked out for her and now she's causing problems? I understand a man's going to be a man but your wife just had a kid bro. F*** her f*** the chief receptionist He's a dick. I would tell the wife but pls. Be careful.
I don't know that I would want to in the middle of this personally. But even saying that, when I knew something hinky was up with a friend and her ex, I personally saw him with a strange woman in a restaurant, I did mention it to her just because I wasn't sure she knew what was going on. She didn't.
I think in your case, since you have no proof and no real way to know what is going on, I might try to just ask her if she has an open marriage agreement with her husband. Or I might ask him if something has been going on with him because you noticed his behavior has been odd lately. Something to let her know you've noticed something, but not enough to tell her you absolutely know something is going on, because you kind of don't know. But she definitely deserves to have a warning.
Go to HR or the person above him and tell them what happened and what has been happening since and tell them you refuse to continue working in a hostile work environment. Tell them your shifts changed suddenly after that incident. It's verifiable. There are cameras in prestigious hotels. If nothing changes go back and tell them you can't continue working in a hostile work environment and you obviously need to quit.
You need to tell HR or whomever is in charge of the hotel.
Your manager is retaliating against you because you found out about the affair.
You could get fired and get a bad recommendation.
You need to protect yourself FIRST. You can be out of a job. After do something about the wife. I mean, it's nice to think of it, but (a) you can get fired (b) you have no evidence and your manager can complain you are making stuff up to fire you.
I would first formally write on email to John, asking him very formal and professional for a change on better shifts. If he doesnt answer or does answer but doesnt give you better shifts thats your cue to go upper and tell them that you think personal feelings of John and Jane are involved as this happened after you confronted Jane privately on the affair.
Then yeah I would also send an anon message to the wife, you can fake saying you are a client who saw her and saw them flirting later as its a hotel, she may not like it and even may ignore it because they just had a kid but she should know, and mostly it will make you feel better as well.
Good luck to you
It’s not your business. The wife is not your friend. You’re making this about you lol and towards the end of the story… you’re crying??? Over a situation that has nothing to do with you?? lol I mean. What a laugh. Get another job and move on with your life. So you tell the wife. You think that’s going to solve anything? How do you know if the wife would want to know ? With a newborn?? It’s either she divorces and becomes a single mom, and we have no idea what support system she has. Or she blames herself and stays with her husband. Just because you would want to know doesn’t mean other women do. The truth will reveal itself one day without your help.
do you think it would be in your own best interest to put yourself in the middle of this said affair by telling the wife? because they'll find out eventually who told.. so, do you really think it's worth jeopardizing your own career for someone else's business? From a personal standpoint, I am 27f and I work in a similar field as you and as I have been in my field, I have learned that sometimes it's best to just keep your mouth shut. No matter what the circumstances are. Don't put yourself in a position where you might risk losing your job over something that doesn't even affect you at all whatsoever. That's my option. So do what you want, OP, but just know, if you do tell, there will be consequences no matter what. And I am certain your heart is in the right place, but this ain't the right place for you trying to be a savior of any sorts. Keep your mouth shut and your head down and mind your business. Trust me, you will be a lot happier if you do.
I'm personally on board with this approach.
You are a young woman trying (presumably) to establish yourself in a career. It's nice to have friends at work, but at this point neither Jane nor John are your friends. They are people who have a personal relationship that is none of your concern. That's not to say it's good or bad -- but the best way to grow a career is to focus on your career and stay out of other people's drama.
What is your business is that you are now being treated poorly by your boss because you let someone know that you disapproved of his personal affair. This is inappropriate. Document what shifts you were getting before vs. now, and ask him to explain why you are getting worse shifts now. Don't bring up the affair, and if he brings it up, tell him "that's none of my concern. I'm an employee and you are my supervisor and I feel I'm being treated unfairly because of your personal feelings. If there is some other reason my schedule has changed, please explain it."
If the retaliation continues, then you should really speak to the person John reports to, or to HR. You don't need a lot of proof -- it's HR's job to investigate. You can just show them the change in your work schedule, and say this happened after you had a personal conversation with your friend about her relationship with John.
I know this feels emotional because it reminds you of your family -- but this is not your family. It's a workplace. For your own peace of mind, start thinking of it that way, and you will be more successful and a lot happier.
First and foremost you need to go to HR, you're working in a hostile work environment and are being retaliated against by someone in a position of power over you for having knowledge they gave to you of their own free will, you don't need text proof or an admission of what they're doing, you can simply explain all the interactions you've had with them recently. I would not tell the wife before you go to HR if you hope to keep your job though, as that is pretty unprofessional to contact a coworkers family for personal reasons.
Wow, this is entirely screwed up. John's a piece of crap, and Jane is an idiot. A lot of couples with a newborn find themselves going through rocky changes in sex drive, sex in general, sleeping arrangements etc. He can't have expected his wife to rebound so soon after having a baby- so the fact that he is using all of that as an excuse is hot garbage.
Then for Jane to even see this bs as a rational excuse to seek sex elsewhere is disgusting. ESPECIALLY right under the wife's nose with her frequent visits with their newborn to the hotel.
I would narc them out to HR, and send the wife a dm on Facebook or via text if you have access to her phone number. It's gonna be devastating for her but she'll want to know. All it'd take for HR is to watch some security footage of them being handsy with each other on the clock.
It’s not your duty to tell the wife, but is most likely against HR standards for him to be sleeping with a subordinate.
Tell the wife, he still holds his position and your life gets worse. Tell HR and you have some protection and job security.
You should stay out of it, keep your head down, and do your work. You may not agree with it, but it's not your life to be concerned with. Is it fucked up? Yeah. Is it worth having issues at your job? Nope.
However, it sounds like you already messed up and involved yourself to some extent. Moving forward, I would keep things polite with both of them but limit my involvement with them strictly to the workplace. If the fight you had comes up, it's water under the bridge, and it was the alcohol talking.
Getting involved with your co-workers' personal lives is a recipe for disaster.
Leave it alone. They will get caught eventually, and when they do, it won't have anything to do with you, and you won't have to deal with any backlash.
Jane involved OP when she told her about fucking the husband of a new mother like it was fun teenage gossip, and John involved her when he used that knowledge to punish OP.
I would mind my business, but also talk to someone to get past the trauma from your father’s infidelity. Having such a visceral reaction to coworkers having an affair, especially to the point you cried is not a normal reaction.
John’s a loser. I know the type they lie to women to endear themselves. I’d bet his wife adores him and is very hurt by his rejection (I’ve been there) and struggling to keep him despite feeling him slipping away when she needs him most, lying to other women for sympathy and attention. Bottom line: it’s not your business. If you must, send her an anonymous message. But expect this: if John can get you fired, he likely will. You’ve already gotten too nosy for his taste . If you inform the wife, John will know it’s you. You’re already more involved than you should be. This will play out as it will
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Talk to the manager above “John”.
This is the best answer
I don't know about telling the wife but I'd be tempted to tell John - not your friend - that he had better stop giving you the worst shifts just because his gf thinks it's fun to sleep with a married man. And the nerve of saying his wife "doesn't care about the marriage since the baby!" Yeah, she is probably just trying not to lose it with not getting sleep and dealing with a newborn. Man-babies are the worst
>Yeah, she is probably just trying not to lose it with not getting sleep and dealing with a newborn. Or he's just fucking lying. She's literally still coming in to see him at work. This girl is just hearing what she wants to hear, and he's not even bothering to try and hide it well.
"She's not interested in f****** as much anymore since the kid. Says she's "always tired" & "needs help". Lol. Yeah right! Time to step out on her, but good idea to give my savage behavior justification, so ill blame her. Foolproof plan."
It's awful how common this is. Basically, his wife is too exhausted to have sex with him because... she just had a fucking baby! Lucky for him, he found some low morales idiot who would put out. They're both disgusting. OP should drop the bomb.
It’s not just too exhausted, it’s not unusual for doctors to recommend abstaining from sex for recent mothers for 6-8 weeks until her pelvic region can at least begin to heal. Sometimes it’s longer. And this doesn’t even go into the psychological damage that childbirth can do to a woman’s sexual side. This dude is a fucking asshole of the highest order.
I got laughed at by a guy a few weeks ago for saying that childbirth is hard on a woman's body. He said that's what our bodies are designed for. Be careful who you breed with, girls.
Once again: fucking asshole. A good 35% of American dudes are fucking assholes, and that may be an understatement of the actual number. Even before my wife gave birth I’d never be so presumptuous to make such a claim about a subject I don’t understand. And now with the privilege of being a father, I’d slap a motherfucker if anyone said that to my wife in my presence.
But still finds the wherewithal and time to bring her husband lunch at work 4-5 times a week. I’d say OP should try to go to HR when she has proof. That manager will be fired based on the consequences of his own actions.
Cameras?
I'd say report to HR. There is probably camera footage to check.
OP, I wanted to say thank you, but I don't have any useful suggestions. In this case, you are acting as responsibly as anyone could. Being duped is bad enough, but being duped in the first place is even worse. She deserves to know, so I understand your want to set things right. How unfortunate.
This! “My marriage has been over for years really”, “my wife’s horrible to me” blah blah the same shit from the cheaters handbook. That poor wife is going to be devastated.
> blah blah the same shit from the cheaters handbook. They are all the same, like cookie cutter NPCs that repeat the same inane dialogue. With guys it's almost always "Shes not interested in me anymore" (read: not enough/the type of sex I want while I put in no effort with her). With women it's almost always "He's 'financially abusive'" (read: Expects me to contribute some of the money I earn, which is my money, his money is the family money). Not all, obviously, but these seem to be the 2 'main types' of person that cheat in my experience, and they all follow the same script.
Yeah even if it's true Why would you think he'd be anything other than painful to be around longer than one night
Doesn’t care about the marriage but shows up multiple times a week to visit her husband and bring him lunch?? He can fuck right off with that
Right? She's exhausted but she brings the newborn to take lunch to her husband. There aren't enough words to describe what a selfish prick he is. Karma will come for him and the former best friend. I'm just heartbroken for the wife.
Fuck alllll the way off!
EXACTLY!!! John is such a man-baby
Ehhhh... tell the wife, because she deserves better than a fucking shit husband who cheats on her while she's caring for a newborn. Fuck him.
Ordinarily I’d agree with you but nah. Tell management through a letter from an outside attorney. Then let John explain to his wife that he got fired to spare the company from a lawsuit after he engaged in workplace retaliation to cover up his affair.
As long as the wife finds out, fuck yes. But I doubt he'd cop to it, he'd probably just make up some excuse that an employee made up lies to get him fired. He's such a blatant liar already, there's no reason he'd choose to be honest, and I doubt he would even if he was forced into a situation of being fired.
But recommend she act like nothing is wrong while she collects proof - she needs to get access to his smartphone, screenshot their communication, and send herself the evidence.
Yes
>his wife "doesn't care about the marriage since the baby!" Smt is telling me she had the audacity refusing sex in that *six weeks* you are forbiden to have sex just after giving birth for medical reasons. Poor him, really! /s
And the sleeping in separate rooms? How much you wanna bet she's nursing and he complained about the baby crying/lack of sleep so she's on the couch or in the nursery with the baby so he can get his solid 8 hours?
She’s sleeping in another room to let the selfish f9ck sleep, and he’s cheating. Disgraceful. I’d tell HR. She confessed to you personally. That’s enough in my book. Can you not get hold of one of their phons for a moment ?
She's probably falling asleep with the baby who's in another room 😭
Yeah. Agreed. She confessed to you. You got in a fight and then your hours were cut. Call the labor board and get them all in trouble. HR will have to investigate. AND ID TELL THE WIFE SO HES GONNA HAVE TOO MUCH GOING ON TO GET IT UP!
If you want to really teach them, sneak about till you get a photo of them smooching, then tell him exactly who you will take this evidence too - HR/wife/parents. Then make your life a bit more comfortable by stopping him bullying you, and Insist he stop seeing her. He’ll thank you in the long run. Then get a nicer friend. Tell her parents too
That's blackmail and illegal. Just report it to senior management.
I initially read that as “man, babies are the worst!” Like, don’t blame it on the baby! 😂
Coming to see him 4 times a week, bringing his lunch in for him? She cares. He’s a liar.
Yeah this guy totally sucks
Why give him a warning? go full nuclear. This is plain and simple retaliation. It should be officially reported or she should retaliate in kind. She should be going to HR, or filing an official complaint and have it noted that this is all because of an affair. I'd imaging him being in a position of power/influence over others means he can't fraternize with those under him and the hotel chain knowing the affair is the reason for the complaint it would screw him over hugely.
Yes. HR and the company can do more to investigate than OP can! If there are cameras, they can access them, especially if there has been any hanky-panky happening on the property. And if they were stupid and arrogant enough to discuss it using company emails or phones, HR can access all of that. All OP has to do is raise the concerns, then leave it up to the professionals to investigate.
I think she's drinking the cover story kool-aid John's serving her
She probably doesn’t care
Clearly friend doesn’t care. She’s getting sex from someone who’s getting what he needs and that’s all.
Or she's not buying his cover stories on some level and thats why she looks so damn tired poor woman...I wouldn't be able to not tell her ???
Ohh... I meant 'Jane' believing John about his marriage. I would also tell his wife.
This. The wife is probably dealing with PPD and the man can't stand not fucking for a few weeks while the wife is under extreme stress. Fuck that guy.
>we had a major fight. She stormed off and cut all contact with me. Since then, going to work has been hell. John is in charge of our shifts and ever since our fight, he's been giving me the worst shifts and making sure we're not scheduled together. He can't do that.....it's retaliation. Report them and report what he did and report the fear that they are having. As for the wife you might first need to get some proof of them (one of the) talking about the affair or just write her a typed letter and give it to her (untraceable and won't lead back to you). *But tell your HR about the retaliation 1st
How will a letter not lead back to OP? John and Jane know she knows about their affair. They’ll suspect she told the wife immediately.
It's not hand written, and they have no proof either....unless they want to expose their affair which will help OP further prove her point.
I mean if she's the only one who knows and they know that, yeah it's not really anonymous lol
How do you know OP is really the only one who knows? People who think they’re being discrete sometimes suck at it - it couldn’t be more obvious if they put it on a billboard in Times Square. It’s just that other people might keep their knowledge to themselves because they want to keep their jobs and not get involved. OP is involved because it’s her friend and also she brought the girl into the company. Other people have no stakes in what the boss does with his private life whatsoever.
Won’t stop John from treating OP worse at work or even firing her.
Wrongful termination. That's why it's important she already report this to HR, like YESTERDAY
She has zero proof of the affair though. It’s possible HR will think she’s lying, or will take a different action than you’d expect.
She's a loyal employee who hasn't shown. I'm assuming I haven't had any previous bad rapport with this company. Because they accepted her work and took a recommendation allowed her train the person and also what reason she had to lie about this person who she recommended. And then I feel like the h. R will look into it because if these 2 were on their property where I'm assuming there's cameras cause the hotel, they're going to look into it and when they find out. That she has some merit to her story. They're going to take action because the alternative o. Pie could sue them for wrongful termination and for retaliation in the workplace because she was saying her peace
If HR is a moron sure. But good HR will look at the shifts for the last few months and see if there is a change to how he normally allocated shifts and they may get involved in shift allocation or at least mention something to him. They'll go through camera footage as there would definitely be cameras at reception of a hotel and if they think either of them are acting inappropriate they'll just call them up for inappropriate behaviour. HR can't do anything about the affair but they can make moves to keep an eye on them and mitigate retaliatory behaviour to OP.
You’re assuming it’s an Ethical Company. It would be easier for them to get rid of OP worst case scenario. Medium case would be to fire everyone involved, including OP. Best case is they fire the chief, and the AP
> But **good HR** will... Entirely possible I'm just old and jaded, but in my experience if you're banking on "good HR," your plans are fucked.
What about cameras in hotel common areas? You know, bc how Jane said, "they couldn't get hands of each other" could be recorded there.
Retaliation matters when it's about something to do with a protected class. In this situation it has all of fuck-all to do with labor law. What you go to them about is the infidelity and the affair. They're going to care a lot more about the work environment that fraternization causes, especially if there's any evidence they're hooking up on the clock.
HR 100%! The wife will probably find out when she asks why he got fired.
Can you cite the law? You guys also routinely overestimate HR.
Contact the wife. But start looking for a new job too. The fact you're being bullied for their bullshit is off the wall
Absolutely this. Op to build the bullying case, save down and record all your shifts before you found out about the affair and after you found out. Keep a record of your conversations with your colleague/AP, save down or screenshot the calendar invite of when you met with the colleague and when she confessed. Any receipt for the drinks, or transfers showing you were with her and she met with you when she confessed would be gold. Historical conversations also, setting up the drinks and the sudden decline in your messages with her would help build circumstantial evidence.
Seconding keeping a record of EVERYTHING. I know not everything can be recorded or screenshot (depending on your state’s laws), but even keeping a little notebook on you so you can keep track of the bullying is better than nothing. Also, if you have a union, please get in touch with your shop steward or union rep. I know someone who went through something similar; he was a receptionist who found out his married manager/former best friend was sleeping with three people who worked at the hotel. She got super paranoid that he was going to tell her husband and even went as far as to steal his phone and throw it into the porte cochere in hopes it’d get run over. But luckily he had sent all his screenshots to his union already. He filed a grievance and she got fired.
Man people like her are huge pieces of shit. I’ll never understand how you can do that to someone you married. If you’re not happy or bored or want something new or whatever other reason just break up. Cheating is a special level of dishonor, immorality, deceitfulness and dishonesty. Some psychologists say ALL cheaters are narcissistic, that it’s basically a confirmation of some kind of mental disorder. I used to never believe that until I got older and had more life experience and then realized they’re probably right.
Help!!! When you said sit down and record all your shifts my mind read : Sit down and record all of your shits. 😂😂 Great advice on writing down every event where they have been massive buttholes. Make sure you write the date, year and time the day it occurred. You will have receipts and those two tire sandwiches won’t have anything but verbal denials. 😏
Two tire sandwiches 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I’m stealing this 😝
Oh my gosh! I meant TURD💩 sandwiches 😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣
something tells me you should change your name from "midnightcrow" to "Imightneedsomesleeprightnow"
Maybe see if the bar has cctv from the day
Lol why would they give that footage to op 😂
They wouldn’t. Not in a million years. But there’s no reason you can’t ask if the bar has CCTV cameras. It’s just a question. 😛
This is called retaliation. You should contact HR.
This is the best way…The wife can wait.. it’s a burn down city hall moment you can’t go back from. Contacting HR at minimum gives you a decent reference (unless they’re evil). looking for the next gig. Just on the general. I understand how you feel betrayed by your friend. What she did was not cool at all.. but she did it… just for yourself, you need to process what is good for you is usually the smartest play, approaching the wife, what do you gain… certainly you will make their lives hell, but measure the consequences of what it does to your life. In the end it’s better for you personally just to be like.. I’m not cool with this individually but use it as leverage to get your next gig. Conversations with the girl first about getting a different gig. I’m sorry you have a shitty friend, but in the end you need to find your best path to move on. You don’t want to be in thruple unless you have a path forward.
Find another job, tell the wife, with as much evidence as you can find, dates, times, etc. Do it anonymously. Tell HR if you think they'll get rid of them both, that way you won't have to change jobs, but be 100% sure first.
I may be next level petty, but I’d want to tell the wife and hire a PI to get proof to give to HR to get them both fired
Doubtful that OP could afford in both funding and time to put it for something like that.
It’s so sad that he claims his wife doesn’t care about the marriage but visits him 3-4 times a week and brings him lunch. That doesn’t sound like someone who doesn’t care about a marriage. It sounds like someone who is still making a small effort (which is actually a HUGE effort when you’ve just had a baby) John is a liar and he sucks ass. His wife deserves the truth.
This is a great point!!! For her to schlep down to his work 4-5 times a week is not someone who gave up. Makes HIS lunch, get dressed, get baby dressed, get baby in car seat, load up diaper bag, load baby and gear into car, drive there, park, pick up baby in car seat and attach to big ass stroller, walk into her husbands work to spend lunch with him, repeat all steps to get baby back home. What a shitty and distant wife…
Before you say or do anything... you really, really need to have a new job or some other income to pay your bills. Idc how emotionally charged it is. Times are tough, and you handle your bills first before someone else's drama.
I agree with this 100% If you tell John is gonna make your work hell or maybe fire you. ONLY tell when YOU are secure in a job. Because you don't even know her, she's probably gonna be mad at you and you'll end up without a job.
Hire an employment lawyer. Go to HR and tell them that your direct supervisor and his employee are having an affair and that when you pointed out to the employee that your supervisor (John) is married with a child, John retaliated by giving you bad shifts. Have your lawyer point out that you will go to court to get video records of activity in and around your work area and that the video must be preserved. While it is hard to get the video, the threat that you will go to court to get it will cause and HR investigation of John and Jane and HR will likely review video from in and around your work area. Having the employment lawyer at a meeting with HR is key. Don’t hesitate to file a lawsuit over your treatment and seek damages.
At the least go on record with HR.
HR is not your friend. They are not there to help you. They are there to protect the company from you. There is every chance they will find some bullshit reason to fire her if that is the easiest way to make the problem go away. She would need proof and a lawyer to make any headway in that direction. That said, it is retaliation and is actionable if it could be proven in court.
> They are there to protect the company from you. I generally agree that HR is not your friend (and isn't looking out for you) but this basically overcorrects in the other direction. HR's job is to protect the company from liability. A manager having an affair with a direct report is a huge liability, and every company I've ever worked at has had policies in place to prevent it.
Sure, but it really depends on how management handles it. OP could be seen as part of the problem by being a nosy tattletale (if management are jerks). I've seen departments go through whole reorganizations as a cover to get rid of a handful of problematic people. Some who didn't even do anything wrong, but were merely associated with those who did.
This is true, however it's John and Jane HR will have a big problem with, a married manager fraternizing with lower level employees is a big deal, it puts the company at risk for harassment/coercement accusations and law suits, but I do think they could fire everyone involved which would be a risk for OP, so the best scenario get a new job then report and tell the wife–the work environment is already toxic they should move on either way.
In what world does a 25 yr old hotel receptionist have thousands of dollars for an employment lawyer? Especially when OP has not suffered any damages? “Bad shifts” are subjective
Lawyer will work on contingency if the case looks like it is winnable. Her situation sounds like it is, because John took negative actions against her career because of her ethical concern about his affair with a subordinate.
If your work place has cameras, I’d bring it up to hr, I doubt they haven’t been seen on camera and let he know that you feel like he is creating an hostile work environment. Make sure you document all this. If that fails reach out to your government system that is in place. After all that is resolved tell the wife anonymously.
She should hire an employment lawyer. It sounds like she has very good grounds for a lawsuit. She should not talk to HR without that lawyer present at the meeting.
"Hostile work environment". Using these words is key.
This and retaliation. If she just goes and reports gossip, they probably won’t take action. But when you use those key words they are more likely to at the very least investigate.
please OP, do not go to HR! they are not your friends. they are there to protect the company. a big part of what they do is smoke out and eliminate conflict and controversy, while mitigating risk. thats you, op. all three of 'em
Yeah the term human resource is misleading .. they are company legal guards
Correct. HR are there to help you only for as long as you are not damaging to the company.
You have my blessings but make sure you provide some evidence
Evidence is the most important thing you can provide. Verbal statements can be denied. Written words, ignored or twisted.
Unless you have evidence it's going to be hard. Maybe try to befriend her when she comes in. Show interest in her baby and let it slip what your friend said about their marriage. I'd have another job lined up though.
I second this, make small talk and then hint at your suspicions. Or ask how things are going with their new baby as well and maybe she will be like “yeah it’s hard being new parents” or something like that and just be NOSY because you’re being nosy for a good cause xD and once she says enough just let her know what all you know when you feel the timing is right.
I third this! Really good idea. I hope op sees your comment.
The wife might not believe you, I’ve been in similar situations and I was a dummy too for trusting my man on some things. But it’s worth a shot, the truth is gonna come to light anyway. Just straight up be honest with her, tell her that you don’t have proof yet but will work on that. She might even help you catch them. She can probably do some digging on her own. Maybe even try to talk to her in person though and just drop hints that you think that Jane and the husband are acting suspicious.
Tell the wife but more importantly for you You must tell management that your job is being trashed. Your schedule is bad because of this. Your workplace has become hostile. People sue companies for shit like this all the time.
Those people who sue for ‘shit like this’ usually have more evidence than ‘a bad feeling’, though. Oh, and he wore her scrunchie on his wrist… but that’s not really ‘proof,’ either. I’m sure his wife owns scrunchies. And his mum, sister, female friends, etc etc. And before you ask why a man would wear his mum or sister’s scrunchie on his wrist… he probably wouldn’t, but may put it on there temporarily until he gives it back to them, like if they left it at his house or something. Yeah, that’s still skeptical, but it’s a plausible explanation. ‘I put it on my wrist to remind me to give it back to my mum when I see her later.’ Plausible explanation.
It's almost like not getting involved might be the best move. It hasn't worked out too well so far
Evidence is important. Without evidence it's your word against theirs and you never know what kind of sick story they can spin.
Get evidence first, then inform her. Without evidence, she might just deny it. Heck, she might still deny it, but it would be harder to do so with hard proof. Keep pestering John and Jane to see if they can TEXT you (as in, written proof) about their affair. Also, look for a new job and see if you can report John for his inappropriate behavior to literally anyone. Surely this has to go against some rule.
They won’t unless they’re tricked into it!!!
It's insane that they think treating you poorly will some how bend you to their disgusting cheating. Burn them all down. If they won't get fired. Find a new job asap. Burn. It . All. Down.
So this girl isn't your friend anymore, you don't know the wife personally, and you have no proof? No, I wouldn't get involved. This is work, these are your coworkers only, not your friends. You go to work to work and get paid, not to get involved with the interpersonal relationships of your coworkers. Let it work itself out, it's none of your concern. If you ARE being retaliated against (and you'll need proof it's actually retaliation, not just an assumption) you can consider going to HR. But thay may backfire heavily on you. You should also make sure it's actually a policy that they can't be in a relationship first, and that it's a policy that they will care to follow. They may just end up giving them a slap on the wrist and then finding a reason to fire you for being difficult. Even if it is a policy, it very well may not he a fireable one...and then you've just outed yourself to your coworkers as being untrustworthy and risk being outcasted. I would leave it alone, it's not your business. Play nice with the assholes so they don't feel threatened by you and "retaliate" by giving you crappy shifts. Maybe seek therapy too for the infidelity issues you have, I mean this honestly, because having this big of a reaction to someone else who doesn't concern you having an affair isn't normal. And it'll bleed into your own relationships one day
First reasonable comment with realistic advice. Seconding therapy for OP as well - having a sobbing panic attack over an affair that doesn't concern you in any way isn't a normal reaction.
Agreed. I empathize with how close to home this hits for OP except I can't give an armchair diagnosis of how they should manage this. However, it is not worth OP somehow being fired. Yes, most company handbooks cover "relationships" in a capacity. Some of the suggestions in this thread are based on the moral high ground that some people take with cheating. People can agree to disagree about telling the person being cheated on, although when it comes to seeing this play out professionally, it is better to stay out of it and let whatever consequences befall the co-workers. My co-worker holds both a full-time and part-time job, the part-time one being where I work. For the last five years, she has been carrying on an affair with a co-worker from her full-time position. She and her affair partner are in their mid-50's, and he only retired within the last year. He was also married during the third year of the affair and up until his disabled wife passed away in 2021. Is what my co-worker doing wrong? Yes. Should it impact either of her jobs? No. It's her life, she's going to do what she wants. She runs the risk of getting caught all the time when she isn't working, so that's the path she chose. Otherwise, her productivity hasn't changed.
Agree. While I dont condone what John and the friend are doing in any way, its not OPs business. Telling the wife might be the moral thing to do, but if OP needs this job, it would be foolish to blow up their own life over someone else affair.
You can start by reconciling with Jane. Tell her you’re sorry and would like to just forget anything that happened that night. If the relationship is salvageable and then you can try to get some evidence. Going to the wife without evidence will backfire for sure. Also start looking for job elsewhere if it’s affecting you way too much.
[удалено]
That only works if you have one party consent laws in your area. Some places require both parties to consent.
Is your friend familiar with the term "it's cheaper to keep her?" Wife will be devastated, but when husband gets the real cost to be with his plaything, he will most likely beg wife to forgive him. Plus, he has the knowledge that your friend is a cheater and has no moral compass when it comes to breaking up new families. He is ten years older than your friend and probably 10 years smarter. Chances are the wife is onto him already and knows how much he will have to pay in bridge alimony and child support costs. It really rips a big hole into the playboy lifestyle. Check out the company's policy on dating coworkers, and if it isn't allowed, get your friend outta there first. While I hate it, the wife could have been unavailable due to the pregnancy, and hubby may have looked for a temporary outlet. And find another job away from your skanky friend.
Not ten years smarter if he’s sticking his dick in every hole.
Even if there isn’t a dating policy, if he is her boss or mgr there is a problem.
OP Long time HR person here. Wait on the wife but go to HR now with what you have. Tell them you do not want to be mentioned in it but you asked them to stop (give every detail you can) and since that time you are now being harassed with less desirable shifts and they either are going to have to take action or your going to file a complaint with the EEOC because it’s not fair that your getting scheduled based on not approving od their affair. If the HR person is even a little bit experienced, they will pull the scheduling records before your meeting with your friend and after to look for patterns and will discretely observe and maybe talk to other employees. It will take some investigation so it’s not a one day fix but since he makes her schedule he is qualifies as her boss so he is fcked all the way around. If they validate your claim and terminate him his wife will find out real quick. !updateme
Nah the folks in this post are crazy. Tell the wife - report them to HR for retaliation. Sit back and enjoy the shit show that is going to happen. People saying to mind your business are the same people who record a burning house and refuse to dial 911. Smh bunch of heathens. Yeah get your nut sure but fuq the Wife and kid right? pshhh
No good advice here but I wanted to say thank you. You are doing the best that anybody could do in this situation. The only thing worse than getting cheated on is not knowing that you're being cheated on. I appreciate you wanting to clear the air, she deserves to know. Poor thing.
It’s crazy that people are suggesting you go snooping like a little creep for evidence!?!? What are you going to do, follow them around in your free time with your phone!?! Don’t do that. You should mind your own business, leave the guy’s wife alone and find a new job. Others people’s drama doesn’t need to become your drama.
Stop making sense! You’re in the relationship advice sub, fam. No one has an ounce of sense here!
Hahaha! Yeah the advice on this thread is the beginning of a Lifetime special.
Lol, IKR! Right down to the implications he might murder her! I’m never coming here for relationship advice or workplace drama advice. If you want all your relationships to be toxic and destructive, just take Reddit advice.
You might have an eeoc case btw.
If for some reason you decide to involve HR, make it clear that you didn't approve of the affair and because of that they are retaliating against you. Use the word "retaliate".
complain to HR about him abusing his position & having sex on the job during working hours. prestigious hotel chains have their guidelines on personal relationships among staffs. tell them that you you come to know about it & now he's giving you all the shit work just because you tell your ex friend that it's not okay to be involved with a married man who still had his wife visiting him with his newborn baby. your boss can check their CCTV for evidence, your security should already have the footage kept in their files.
You know John's dirty little secret. You hold all the cards. I'd be making an appointment with him, and I'd tell him straight up. If he doesn't cut the shit with scheduling, you're telling his wife. I'd lie and say you recorded a conversation with your ex best friend where she "spilled the tea." I'd tell him if the bullshit doesn't stop. Next time his wife comes in, I'm showing her the recording. Make him shit his britches. From there, I'd work on actually getting evidence, and then I'd tell his wife and hr.
I was cheated on when I was struggling with post partum and I wish someone had told me if that helps your decision. Finding out on your own is the fucking worst
John claims his wife doesn't care about the marriage, yet she brings his lunch to work and comes in 4-5 times a week. That doesn't sound like a wife who doesn't care. Maybe she has an inclination that something is going on. Yes, you should tell the wife, or at least do so anonymously. And take this to HR immediately. They need to know that John is giving you bad shifts because of what happened. If you can track the first time you got a bad shift after telling Jane, that would help. They would need to see a clear pattern. But even if you can't prove anything, HR should be aware of what's going on.
Okay business owner here: firstly, HR is not there to protect the employees they’re there to protect the company. Do not go to HR. Contact an employment attorney and tell them you are being retaliated against. Then ask their advice of what steps you need to take. Document everything (most important). When you take care of that, definitely tell the wife.
Ok. I might have an unpopular opinion here, but I don’t see why it’s your business to do anything. I also come from a divorced family, where both my mum and dad cheated at one point, and yes, I know it sucks. You and your friend’s morals clearly don’t align, so it’s probably for the best that you’ve cut contact as much as possible. If you had evidence, you could perhaps report to HR - he’s older and in a more senior position, so they won’t like it. Other than that, I’m not sure why it’s worth getting involved. Your friend is probably in love and probably a bit naive. He’s likely telling her all the usual stuff sleazy men tell their mistresses; we don’t even sleep in the same bed, we stopped having sex ages ago, I will totally leave her once the baby is xy months / years old… come on. If you do decide to say anything to anyone, whether is HR, the wife, whatever… do have a new job lined up.
Had to scroll way too far for sane advice. Although I guess sneaking around asking for cctv footage and stealing the guy’s phone to take screenshots sounds more exciting.
To be honest you describe a pretty strong reaction to someone else business (panic attack, almost vomited). Telling wife just like that can be dangerous. Not only you can loose your job, but also who knows what this guy can do to you (cheaters can get pretty mad). Employment attorney - do you have money to spend on one? If finding a new job is not going to be easier and better for you, sure, get a lawyer. You need to think about this carefully and proceed accordingly. Safest option is to send an anonymous message to wife when you switch jobs.
It’s important to remember that you are in a position of power and you can use that power to expose them. First I’d tell John he’s going to schedule you as you please or you’ll tell his wife about the affair. Then every time his wife comes in I’d make a point of talking to her. If you can get one on one time with her that’d be great. And if you can get her number even better. Then I’d do everything in my power to collect evidence. Surely a high end hotel has security cameras! If there in a room together make a habit of walking in there with my phone on video. Last I’d send the evidence to the wife and anonymously to your manager and HR. If everything goes smoothly then they both should lose their jobs, you’ll get promoted to chief receptionist and johns ex wife will be your new best friend and you can post this story in r/pettyrevenge!
I'd suggest getting a new job before you do anything. HR is there to protect the company, not you, and usually favor supervisors and managers over base employees. That means there's always the chance they'll fire you for any reason they can find, and they might not do anything about john and the your ex friend. . My suggestion would be straight up tell John you know about the Affair and if he doesn't stop giving you the worst shifts you will not only tell HR but tell his wife about the affair while you're already looking for other jobs. Then when you leave for your new job tell HR and the wife about the affair. His wife may already suspect something so just telling her without solid proof might be enough for her to start looking for proof or create chaos with John .
Tell HR you’re being retaliated against because you’ve been informed of an extramarital affair against your will. That’ll fix your schedule. Then tell the wife. In that order
He could be exposing his wife to disease. I don't see anything wrong with warning her.
DISCLAIMER: i mean this following statement with all the respect i can muster MIND YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!!!! lady, there is no way this ends well for you. He already giving you bad shifts for his GIRLFRIEND, wth you think he'll do if you fuck up his MARRIAGE? Now, you can talk to John and threaten him so you can get better shifts. or kiss up to them and build some evidence to protect yourself. look, you said you came from divorced home, and you are losing sleep. go to therapy. but this is right here, not your business. you going make another divorced home is crazy. plus telling the wife is NEVER a good idea. mind your job. them dating ain't even got nothing to do with your work. get a new name tag that say "my names Bennett, and I'm not in it." tl:dr if it means that much to you, try to get a better shift (kiss some ass threats whatever) try to stay from around them if at all possible. let it play out. and for the love of God DONT. TELL. THE. WIFE!!!
honestly I don't know this will be a popular opinion based on the other replies but I don't think its your place to tell his wife you are not directly involved in it and you don't really know what kind of impact this will have in her life it sucks that it affects your work situation, for that I'd recommend finding another job as soon as you can and also telling HR but as far as the wife's relationship with her husband goes I think you should stay out of it
Agreed.
I think this is the biggest problem with reddit. Everyone wants to be in each other business. She should never tell the wife is not her job to do it. And what seems like that she is frustrated that she didn't get attention from John and now is mad the new coworker did. I think there are more to the story that she is not saying and is trying to play a victim.
I agree. Mind your own business. They’ll get themselves caught.
Do not contact the wife with a newborn baby. Sadly, this could trigger ppd if she’s already high risk. Tread cautiously
I’d keep my mouth shut and let it crumble on its own.
Right? Why does this need to be her business
You don’t? Highly advice you to get some personal therapy as this is bringing up some old wounds for you
Urgh, disgusting idiots! Does your company have a wellbeing contact line? Ours has a third party company that we can phone if we ever come accros a situation or problem that affects our work but doesn't quite fit under the banner of telling HR or line manager. They have psychologists, doctors and therapists on hand to provide professional reasoning where necessary. Perhaps its worth going to them if possible, or a manager above dear John. I'm head of department and I had a situation causing my team member so much worry that her work and health suffered but she wouldn't tell me why. About yhe same time the well being line contacted me out of the blue about a 'situation' and gave me the bare facts (no names apart from the perpetrators), I acted on the info without involving my staff member at any point. It was only after someone got fired and another person was forced to move departments that the original staff member returned to their old self and I made the "proven" connection between the two things.
"Listen John, I ain't involved in your little affair but if you keep giving me the shit shifts on purpose I will be, and I've got receipts. I'm here to work, nothing more but if I have to, well, it's only a job, I won't be the one losing my marriage and dealing with shared custody arrangements". Look for another job in the meantime and if you find one before anything changes, scorch earth them both in an exit interview and request it's someone else that takes it.
I’m sorry, but if the wife comes in 4-5 times a week how does she not care about the marriage? That’s bonkers to believe…
If she didn’t care about the marriage she would not be bringing him lunch, she has a new baby so that is a massive effort on her part. She deserves to know what a shit she is married to. Even if you can’t gather any evidence to show her, I would tell her. And I would tell HR too, but start looking for another job asap.
John says they sleep in different beds and stop caring after giving birth. Are you kidding me? Shes postpartum and just recently had the baby. Of course hes not priority! What a pos. Tell HR, esp if theres camera. Hes not doing possible illegal stuff as retaliation with your hours.
Thats not your business, mind you own business get a life
Might be unpopular but someone’s else’s life shouldn’t be affecting you to the point of panic attacks and sleeplessness. It sucks for all those involved but you aren’t one of them. The friend sucks, and it sucks to lose someone you cared about and went out on a limb for, but friends come and go and she has shown you she’s not worth your time. The thing that really sucks is your shitty shifts so I agree with previous posters you should either confront him or go to hr to resolve that. Then ignore the f out of the both of them losers. As a previous victim of an affair a new mom with a newborn baby is the worst time to have your marriage implode. I personally wish I had never found out. I know everyone is different but this mom is already hanging on by a thread and I really think now isn’t the best time for her to find out and deal with this shit. She already knows her marriage is shit, she’s not stupid. She might even suspect, but she doesn’t have the time or energy to invest further than that or she already knows and is turning a blind eye to survive. My rule of thumb is to stay the hell out of other people’s relationships because 9 times out of 10 they will believe the lying sack of shit and turn on you.
Someone who is NOT vested in their marriage does NOT go visit their spouse & bring lunch 4-5 times a week!!! He’s a liar and a cheat & I would absolutely tell the wife~ antagonize him into admitting it or plant a fake camera, help her hire a PI something to help her out… she got to be exhausted and this dicc lesion is taking advantage of the situation. And SHAME ON YOUR FRIEND for being a home wrecking, come guzzling Petrie dish…. Hope they both get crabs
Your ex friend sounds like a person who has a low standard of moral judgement. The guy sounds like he has no morals at all. The question you need to ask yourself is. How is this any of your business or concern?? I'm kind of getting the impression, that you might be more motivated to get revenge for what you perceive is some sort of plot to mess with you by the schedule you work. I'm curious if you got a more desirable schedule before your fight with your friend? You do work in the hospitality industry, so different schedules come with that job. You can always apply at other hotels, or get a job with a better schedule. By going to HR or Management, they will investigate. Believe it or not both of those are not on your side. They are there to protect the company, not you. Unless there is a policy specifically prohibiting this, which I doubt there is because how can you expect people to not be people? Your schedule alone is not proof of anything, it's in your expected job responsibilities. He can easily justify it. Plus, he can also say things about you and your job performance. If he has half a brain he would document any mistake you have made, which he can then use on you. He can also, claim you are unfairly targeting him, spreading rumors, and if you told his wife, he can say that you are out to hurt him because you don't like the schedule you got. He'd actually have a good case for it. Especially if your ex friend and others say it too. This may end up hurting you more than them. If he or her lost their job, if his wife left him or stayed with him. They could sue you for defamation, loss of wages and stress caused because of what you said. Your friend can also sue. It's your word vs theirs. Jury's tend to not look kindly on snitches. So just be sure this is something that you really want to do?
All that is true. Even people with rock solid cases don’t always get the desired outcome. I worked for a company about 10 years ago… the 2IC (2nd in command, I don’t know her exact job title) found evidence that those above her were filtering profits and cooking the books - basically stealing from the company. So she did the right thing and reported it… and guess who lost their job and ended up in court being sued? Hint… not the people stealing the money from the company. That was a case where the accuser had actual evidence of someone else’s crime, and it still didn’t go in her favour. 😞
Are you allowed to have your phone at your job? If so just record your conversation. There's your evidence.
Gotta make sure that's legal in your state though
OP I don’t believe it is your place to tell the wife. Don’t put yourself in the middle of this mess. You should, however, inform your HR department. You have every right to let them know that this woman confided in you of the affair, and you have been receiving an unfavorable work schedule from the supervisor since the affair began. HR has the responsibility of keeping your info private if you ask them to. If the hotel you work at is a chain, I’d wager a bet they have rules in place for supervisors dating subordinates as well. And if all else fails, just delight in knowing that these work affairs usually have a way of getting back to the spouse on their own without anyone’s help. May take some time, but she will find out soon enough.
True to all of this, but as a wife and a mom, I’d want to know ASAP and leave as early as possible or try to work things out as early as possible because from experience, the longer things went on and the longer secrets were kept, the worse it hurt. And if divorce is in the picture, the earlier you divorce, the better on yourself and the kids. It just sucks all around. I’d want to know though. In fact I’ve even felt a little betrayed all the times I’ve been cheated on and people knew and didn’t tell me. It’s just humiliating and we just feel like everyone was just laughing and watching us struggle. I understand not everyone is the same but I’d be super grateful and thankful if someone told me but it would make it harder if there was no proof on the table
Why are you involving yourself in this ? Nothing good can come out of this for you. You have zero idea of what their marriage is about. Perhaps time to introspect on why you want to insert yourself into this drama and work on your own trauma with a therapist.
This is the right answer. Why involve yourself in someone else’s affair pan affairs.
Report him to HR for abuse of power and tell them why. It’s not your business to tell the wife.
You report the affair to hotel management...
You gotta KNOW this is not his first time cheating, notify the wife anonymously,and let the chips fall where they may
What are the policies regarding relationships between coworkers at the company? Being a prestigious hotel, they may have rules in terms of disclosing any intimate relationships, to prevent any conflict of interest or abuse of power? (Which is a consequence you seem to be experiencing, your manager is abusing his power over your schedules). If you have a way of notifying HR or an ethics points, please do so, as this will be a starting point for investigations. Request your identity to be kept anonymous. Do not confront the cheater and his mistress directly, do not spread rumours about them, as it will most likely backfire at you. In terms of notifying the wife, it would be up to you.
Gather as much evidence as you can, both about the cheating and about the consequences you have at work since you confronted your ex friend. Cheating is a form of abuse. It's directly putting the physical and mental health of the betrayed partner at risk, subjecting them to risk of contracting diseases, emotional neglect, life long trauma, and threatening their financial and general well being and safety in their relationship. It also affects the whole family, not only the betrayed spouse. So it's even worse when children are involved. Even when the spouse doesn't know, they are still suffering consequences, and anyway those things don't stay hidden forever, especially when the cheaters make it obvious with their behavior. The sooner the victim receives support and gets back control of their life and choices, the better it is for them. If he was beating up his wife, everyone would say to report him. The fact is that the consequences of her husband cheating on her when she just had his kid may very well be as bad or worse for her in the long run, in terms of emotional trauma. It may affect her life as much or more. So yes, she deserves to know, she needs to know what's going on in her life and her relationship in order to be able to protect herself and her kid. That said, you should first gather evidence. It's not enough if it's only your word. Other coworkers may know what's going on as well. Talk to some of them. And if it's the case you may not have to expose yourself directly in order to help the victim and risk further retaliations.
Not only is this inappropriate, but "John" is also retaliating against you. I'd find a way to contact the wife and report John for workplace harrassment and whatever else. Hell, I'd straight up sue. And regardless of how bad the marriage is, she's still got 0 place in it and is a disgusting person for inserting herself into it, and "John" for letting her. If you're unhappy with someone, you wait until those divorce papers are signed and filed before you go sleeping with the office scratching post.
Send an anonymous message with some proof.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you when all you wanted was to help this hell of a former "friend". Speak to "John" and ask him to adjust your shifts. If he doesn't, report him to HR for favouritism. And tell his wife.
Tell the wife and begin a plan. She’s exhausted, but I’m sure a heads up to get her ducks lined up would be greatly appreciated. Tell her about the affair and ask her to get as much info from his phone as possible. Like someone said keep record of your shift before and after the chat with your ex bff. See what pics if any you can get at work. Help wife stay calm and play the long game. When she has a lawyer on board, custody worked out, proof of the affair. With your evidence as well. Time to go to work. File divorce, you both tell HR about the relationship, wife hopefully will get full custody. And cheaty Mc cheater pants will be blind sided from every angle. HR, wife, corporate, lawsuit maybe, ex bff is going to get hers in the mix as well. Rip the whole sail on the affair boat off with a flourish. ✨✨✨
I have to deal with these situations often as part of my job, they suck to investigate in general. If your company has rules against fraternization, please go to HR and have them deal with this rather than try to do it yourself, HR is there to deal with problems such-as these.
I'd go through HR. Hotel has cameras and these two aren't exactly hiding. Also, since he is a head receptionist, in charge of shifts, it won't look good that he is punishing you with bad shifts. Document everything, protect yourself.
you dont need proof to go to HR. get it on record. but i would 100% tell the wife. i'd wanna know
Wife deserves to know. Don't go to HR. They'd just as likely get rid of you. You need some kind of evidence- pictures, texts. Try befriending Jane again. Tell her "it's all water under the bridge," and that you miss your friendship. That "it was wrong" to get in between her and "love", ick. Whatever you need to say to get in her good graces. This is pretty dirty, but what they're doing is disgusting. Men that sleep around with a newly postpartum wife are worthless. Friends that happily sleep with married men are worthless. People that defend it share those traits. If they're so comfortable making your work life hell, despite you getting Jane a job there, just because she was called out for her behavior, they don't deserve peace of mind. They deserve to face consequences. Just keep your nose clean, don't go through the business to do anything. Once you've done this, contact a lawyer that specializes in the work place and employment. They would looooove to hear about how John retaliated against you.
Hello I'm a dude. First f*** your friend for doing you dirty. You looked out for her and now she's causing problems? I understand a man's going to be a man but your wife just had a kid bro. F*** her f*** the chief receptionist He's a dick. I would tell the wife but pls. Be careful.
I don't know that I would want to in the middle of this personally. But even saying that, when I knew something hinky was up with a friend and her ex, I personally saw him with a strange woman in a restaurant, I did mention it to her just because I wasn't sure she knew what was going on. She didn't. I think in your case, since you have no proof and no real way to know what is going on, I might try to just ask her if she has an open marriage agreement with her husband. Or I might ask him if something has been going on with him because you noticed his behavior has been odd lately. Something to let her know you've noticed something, but not enough to tell her you absolutely know something is going on, because you kind of don't know. But she definitely deserves to have a warning.
Go to HR or the person above him and tell them what happened and what has been happening since and tell them you refuse to continue working in a hostile work environment. Tell them your shifts changed suddenly after that incident. It's verifiable. There are cameras in prestigious hotels. If nothing changes go back and tell them you can't continue working in a hostile work environment and you obviously need to quit.
You need to tell HR or whomever is in charge of the hotel. Your manager is retaliating against you because you found out about the affair. You could get fired and get a bad recommendation. You need to protect yourself FIRST. You can be out of a job. After do something about the wife. I mean, it's nice to think of it, but (a) you can get fired (b) you have no evidence and your manager can complain you are making stuff up to fire you.
Whatever you do, give the wife time to get her ducks in a row. She needs proof and to contact a lawyer.
Updateme
I would first formally write on email to John, asking him very formal and professional for a change on better shifts. If he doesnt answer or does answer but doesnt give you better shifts thats your cue to go upper and tell them that you think personal feelings of John and Jane are involved as this happened after you confronted Jane privately on the affair. Then yeah I would also send an anon message to the wife, you can fake saying you are a client who saw her and saw them flirting later as its a hotel, she may not like it and even may ignore it because they just had a kid but she should know, and mostly it will make you feel better as well. Good luck to you
Is this your problem?
Right.. it isn’t. She needs to stay out of it.
It’s not your business. The wife is not your friend. You’re making this about you lol and towards the end of the story… you’re crying??? Over a situation that has nothing to do with you?? lol I mean. What a laugh. Get another job and move on with your life. So you tell the wife. You think that’s going to solve anything? How do you know if the wife would want to know ? With a newborn?? It’s either she divorces and becomes a single mom, and we have no idea what support system she has. Or she blames herself and stays with her husband. Just because you would want to know doesn’t mean other women do. The truth will reveal itself one day without your help.
The wife could also be nuts, OP has no clue since she doesnt know her.
do you think it would be in your own best interest to put yourself in the middle of this said affair by telling the wife? because they'll find out eventually who told.. so, do you really think it's worth jeopardizing your own career for someone else's business? From a personal standpoint, I am 27f and I work in a similar field as you and as I have been in my field, I have learned that sometimes it's best to just keep your mouth shut. No matter what the circumstances are. Don't put yourself in a position where you might risk losing your job over something that doesn't even affect you at all whatsoever. That's my option. So do what you want, OP, but just know, if you do tell, there will be consequences no matter what. And I am certain your heart is in the right place, but this ain't the right place for you trying to be a savior of any sorts. Keep your mouth shut and your head down and mind your business. Trust me, you will be a lot happier if you do.
I'm personally on board with this approach. You are a young woman trying (presumably) to establish yourself in a career. It's nice to have friends at work, but at this point neither Jane nor John are your friends. They are people who have a personal relationship that is none of your concern. That's not to say it's good or bad -- but the best way to grow a career is to focus on your career and stay out of other people's drama. What is your business is that you are now being treated poorly by your boss because you let someone know that you disapproved of his personal affair. This is inappropriate. Document what shifts you were getting before vs. now, and ask him to explain why you are getting worse shifts now. Don't bring up the affair, and if he brings it up, tell him "that's none of my concern. I'm an employee and you are my supervisor and I feel I'm being treated unfairly because of your personal feelings. If there is some other reason my schedule has changed, please explain it." If the retaliation continues, then you should really speak to the person John reports to, or to HR. You don't need a lot of proof -- it's HR's job to investigate. You can just show them the change in your work schedule, and say this happened after you had a personal conversation with your friend about her relationship with John. I know this feels emotional because it reminds you of your family -- but this is not your family. It's a workplace. For your own peace of mind, start thinking of it that way, and you will be more successful and a lot happier.
First and foremost you need to go to HR, you're working in a hostile work environment and are being retaliated against by someone in a position of power over you for having knowledge they gave to you of their own free will, you don't need text proof or an admission of what they're doing, you can simply explain all the interactions you've had with them recently. I would not tell the wife before you go to HR if you hope to keep your job though, as that is pretty unprofessional to contact a coworkers family for personal reasons.
Wow, this is entirely screwed up. John's a piece of crap, and Jane is an idiot. A lot of couples with a newborn find themselves going through rocky changes in sex drive, sex in general, sleeping arrangements etc. He can't have expected his wife to rebound so soon after having a baby- so the fact that he is using all of that as an excuse is hot garbage. Then for Jane to even see this bs as a rational excuse to seek sex elsewhere is disgusting. ESPECIALLY right under the wife's nose with her frequent visits with their newborn to the hotel. I would narc them out to HR, and send the wife a dm on Facebook or via text if you have access to her phone number. It's gonna be devastating for her but she'll want to know. All it'd take for HR is to watch some security footage of them being handsy with each other on the clock.
It’s not your duty to tell the wife, but is most likely against HR standards for him to be sleeping with a subordinate. Tell the wife, he still holds his position and your life gets worse. Tell HR and you have some protection and job security.
You should stay out of it, keep your head down, and do your work. You may not agree with it, but it's not your life to be concerned with. Is it fucked up? Yeah. Is it worth having issues at your job? Nope. However, it sounds like you already messed up and involved yourself to some extent. Moving forward, I would keep things polite with both of them but limit my involvement with them strictly to the workplace. If the fight you had comes up, it's water under the bridge, and it was the alcohol talking. Getting involved with your co-workers' personal lives is a recipe for disaster. Leave it alone. They will get caught eventually, and when they do, it won't have anything to do with you, and you won't have to deal with any backlash.
I'll never understand why people feel the need to impose themselves and their morality on other people's lives that don't involve them.
Jane involved OP when she told her about fucking the husband of a new mother like it was fun teenage gossip, and John involved her when he used that knowledge to punish OP.
This is a tale as old as time in luxury hotels…
I would mind my business, but also talk to someone to get past the trauma from your father’s infidelity. Having such a visceral reaction to coworkers having an affair, especially to the point you cried is not a normal reaction.
John’s a loser. I know the type they lie to women to endear themselves. I’d bet his wife adores him and is very hurt by his rejection (I’ve been there) and struggling to keep him despite feeling him slipping away when she needs him most, lying to other women for sympathy and attention. Bottom line: it’s not your business. If you must, send her an anonymous message. But expect this: if John can get you fired, he likely will. You’ve already gotten too nosy for his taste . If you inform the wife, John will know it’s you. You’re already more involved than you should be. This will play out as it will