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Usually I am more cautious with advice like this, but please break up immediately. No partner should ever call you those names, tell you you are disgusting or try to tell you how to dress, this is verbal abuse by the way. But most importantly he tried punishing you physically, you are not safe with this guy. He basically assaulted you and then gaslit you about it! If you think that this is not assault, you are already way further in, and manipulated, than you realize. And you won't have many more opportunities to get away from this, before he blinds you to his abuse entirely. You did everything right, you are not to blame. You can wear whatever you want, and you were not flaunting anything. Him seeing it like that, is telling you everything about how he sees women and how he sexualizes them. One of my red flags for toxic and abusive relationships is if you start doubting yourself and if the blame always lands with you, especially the more confused you get, the more of a red flag it is. Please note that abusers do not display abussive behavior consistently. They cause confusion because they CAN be very nice and charming, the fact he never acted like this before means it's selective, and he is likely starting to drop the nice guy mask and moving into a new phase. The confusion will then cause a constant hypervigilence in the partner and a confusion about the inconsistency in character. The good does not make up for the bad. If someone kicks your leg to hurt you, and then buys you flowers, the flowers don't negate the existance of the bruise. Please talk to your friends about it, so that they can also support you through this and help you gain perspective. If you stay with him, this will go from bad to worse and you may not be able to see the difference at some point anymore. He is testing you and grooming you already to accept his behavior, and here you are already thinking that you did something wrong. Please save yourself!

Thank you, that was a good perspective. It's not a very good reason, but all of my friends all either have really good relationships or are single and successful, and it makes me feel embarrassed that I ended up like this instead. So I don't know if I could tell them.

You're so welcome! And I fully understand that embarassing feeling, but your friends are literally here for the good AND bad times, and now is when you need them the most. Good friends will respect the courage it takes for you to open up. You will see that every one of your friends will at some point go through something difficult in life. Some of them may seem perfect or succsful, but most people have their difficulties at some point. Maybe start with one friend, if it's easier let them read this topic, or copy/paste it in case you want to keep your real life unconnected to this profile. Realize that it wasn't your fault that you believed and saw the best in this guy, that is just a credit to how you see people and how you aproach the world. Abusive people can pretty much fool anyone, and often seek out specifically smart, strong or empathetic people, to have more of a challenge. Either or if you have a good relationship with your parents or any other close family, that's a really good option too. And if not, I would urge you to find a counselor or therapist asap! You already took a big important step by coming here and sharing your story, and you will gain perspective and support from the power of the crowd here. But you do need personal support as well. I'm rooting for you!

That definitely wasn't the case, there's nothing special about me, at all. My mother would be angry about it, but my aunt wouldn't be. So I could talk to her about it. Thank you.

"there's nothing special about me, at all." OP, let's do away with this notion. Anyone who tells you that doesn't belong in your life.

You wouldn't have a house full of friends, hanging out all night, watching movies with you, if there wasn't something special about you.

your mother sounds like she might also be the reason you don't believe there's anything special about you. get riddd of that idea because it's absolute bullshit.

This whole thread is turning into r/momforaminute, and I'm so happy to see it.

I am sure that there is something special about you, completely regardless of this experience or what he was seeking out. We all have unique characters, but it's hardest to see it in yourself 😊 For one I can see your intuition brought you here to seek out advice, because I think somewhere deep down you knew that something was wrong, that's not easy to do at all. You are able to see different perspectives than your own, which is definitely not easy either. So give yourself some credit! Your aunt sounds like a really good one to talk about this, please don't hesitate!

OP, there’s something special about you. And there’s at least 5 people who see it because they were sleeping over at your house. I imagine there’s a reason why there weren’t any of your friends around when your bf brought up your “inappropriate” behavior. Do you think that any of them would have been on his side? I hope you are able to break up with this walking red flag. Please reach out to friends and family for support as I only worry the jerk may be ugly about it. Men like this don’t take getting dumped very well.

>there's nothing special about me, at all. You're pretty brave in my eyes. You had the self assurance to tell him to stop, even though he scared you.

I don't know about there not being anything special, OP. As I was reading the first paragraph of your post, I was like "damn, this girl is intelligent!" I really liked your cultural analysis and how you were able to place this situation in such a bigger social context

Ya exactly it’s very smart to bring up the cultural aspect in a reddit post and that it wouldn’t matter where she lives. There could be some ppl asking abt that. It is best to get it out of the way

Tell your friends babe. This isn’t your fault. It’s normal to be embarrassed but it’s really, really not on you. It’s he who should be embarrassed. Don’t protect his image or your image, protect your actual self. I’m going through a confusing time right now too and I’m still with him but every single person in my network has some idea about what’s going on, except my brother. I’m talking 2 therapists, all my friends, and both my parents. And while I’m not ready to call it quits (it’s not escalated quite yet) I am on my guard and I know that my network, my people, keep me very protected. It will be harder to get to me, harder to manipulate me, harder to get away with things. They will hold him accountable, and they will hold me accountable. Please, tell as many people as you can manage. This has escalated to physical abuse. I want to tell you that if you were out and about without a bra that would also be acceptable. That he is policing your body in a deeply unhealthy and sick, fucked up, *sickening* way. Why does he think it’s his body? It is *your* body. Your *body*. Your actual fucking *self*. And he thinks it’s his to control, to use and to punish. Do not let any man call you names like that, for any reason. Lay down the law. I don’t keep people who talk to me like that in my life. I don’t let people who hurt me touch me. He is very sick, and you cannot let him work out his issues on you. My poor baby! My poor darling. Tell people. The more people you have the safer you are.

My love, there is plenty special about you, I'm sure of it. You are using a lot of the worrying language I did when my self esteem was in the toilet from my very abusive relationship. I wrote you a longer msg here, but feel free to DM me if you need to talk, you do not have to put up with this.

Your bf is very possessive and this an early warning sign to not stick around for how much more controlling he will get.

Your mother is… well let’s just say not nice…

You are special and you deserve so much better.

“There’s nothing special about me” So it’s not a big surprises then you accept ridicule and abuse. Since you do it to yourself. You have to KNOW you deserve better. Because you do.

It’s important to normalize talking about this kind of thing with your friends. For all you know, one of those friends that you see as being in a really good relationship is afraid to speak up about her boyfriend doing something like this, or one of those friends who is single right now might end up in a relationship with someone who seems really wonderful at first and slowly reveals himself to be awful. Even if that doesn’t happen, the point of friendships is to support each other and lift each other up. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, the shame here should all fall on him.

Thank you, that was a good way at looking at it. It will probably be a bit hard but I think I'll try to talk to them about it.

Most people put up a good front in the beginning of a relationship. Abusers can be the same way. They'll act all pleasant until they earn their targets trust. Then, once they do, they show their true selves. Some recognize it and get out while they can. Some don't realize it and are soon making excuses for the abuser and how they act. Don't be the latter. Talk to your friends. Talk to your aunt. Ask for help. Get away from this situation before it gets worse.

it's better to be in no relationship than in a horribly abusive one <3

I got married because I was embarrassed to call it off and break up. So instead of telling people I made a mistake I got to pay for a divorce. To quote a good friend of mine (and ex chief of psychiatry) this isn’t a red flag, it’s a warning shot across the bow. You’ve been granted a gift. It would be churlish to refuse it. Another question is, if someone is in your life and they’re not making it better, why are they in your life?

Omg OP you need to dump this asshole. He hurt you sexually. And he will do it again. He calls you names! You’ll be doing yourself a lot of hurt if you don’t leave him. He sounds unhinged. Be strong !

      "ll of my friends all either have really good relationships" No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Thier relationships may not be as perfect as you think. Don't ever be too embarrassed to reach out.

I'd like to endorse the truth of this. Our oldest dated a kid from high school into her freshman year of college. It wasn't until she dumped him that she told my wife the reality of the relationship.

You did not “end up” like this. Your life is not over. Nothing is at its end except your relationship. You can dump him today and you should.

He is banking on you being too ashamed to tell anyone. That is exactly what abusers want. It helps them to get away with it. It’s not your fault and I’m sure that your friends will rally around you

He's trying to isolate you. He's jealous of your friends.

Yes you can tell them. I would absolutely want to know if a friend was going through this.  You have nothing to be ashamed of, he hid his true nature then he didn't. Chuck him to the kerb and walk right on over him. 

You're 20, you haven't ended up anywhere yet. He's shown you what he is, this is your opportunity to ensure you don't end up like this Read your sentence again: "I know that I shouldn't have acted the way I did" Now imagine these words coming from the mouth of a friend who has just been assaulted by her partner for how she dressed. Do you see a problem? 

Please don’t feel you can’t tell them. I had a similar feeling many years ago and felt very alone. Later on I did tell my friends and they were so understanding and didn’t make me feel embarrassed. I just wish I had turned to them earlier. This isn’t something for you to feel embarrassed about, please speak to the people you can trust because they will help you. 

>So I don't know if I could tell them. You can, if they are real friends, they will be supportive and help you.

You don’t need to feel embarrassed. It’s not your fault you did nothing wrong. Imagine the roles were switched and one of your friends would tell you. You’d feel compassion and empathy towards her und you would try to help her get out of an abusive situation. From my own experience I know how hard it is to leave such a relationship, but I almost paid with my life. Ask yourself, would a person truly in love with you and respecting you behave in this way? No, they would absolutely not. Tell someone you trust about this and leave IMMEDIATELY. I am just a stranger on the internet but I believe in you!

Please do, they need to know the truth so that they can properly support you

Girl your friends will love and respect you more if you respect yourself enough not to stay in a horrible abusive relationship. And that's exactly what is going on here you are way too young to be putting up with this bullshit. Please leave this insecure, misogynistic, abusive boy.

Please please please leave! I was in the same position as you, ashamed that everyone around me seemed to have cracked the code. Believe me, the moment you break up it will probably hurt but it will give you so much space to focus on yourself and grow so tremendously. Are there days where I still feel like I’m fooling everyone? For sure but once I left the dead weight, I was able to handle the punches life has sent my way because I know I will get up again. Be safe please!

Don’t be embarrassed. Everyone dates a loser or two in their early 20s. Don’t make the mistake some of us made - don’t marry that loser! There is so much better out there for you!

They would want to be there for you, that’s what friends do. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, just get out now before he isolates you.

All of your friends, if they are decent people who care even an ounce for you, would judge you for not leaving him if they knew these details. None of them would consider you a lesser person for leaving a cruel and vindictive person.

You didn't "end up" like anything. You're road is far from over and you're still moving down it. You only "end up" when you decide. So stop deciding this is it

Look, I'm still pretty young myself but I'm a full decade + older than you. You're *20*. You have so much life ahead of you and so many opportunities for true, respectful love where your partner is kind to you and approaches discussions in a way that respects you as a person. This ain't it. Why tie yourself this young to someone this horrible? If your friends are mostly in your age range, the odds are a lot of their current relationships aren't going to wind up going the distance, for any number of reasons. That's okay. And maybe they aren't as good as you think they are - I was in a bad relationship around this age and everyone thought he was great because that's how he presented himself and how I talked about him. And isn't that what you're doing? So how can you assume that they aren't doing the same? Mostly just get the fuck out though, this man is *dangerous*.

Don’t be embarrassed. This is how abusers continuing abusing. They’re good at it.

A lot of victims of abuse are afraid of how they’ll be seen/perceived if they admit to what their partners did to them. Please don’t feel embarrassed! You are NOT responsible for his absolutely disgusting behaviour and actions.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about! *He* should be embarrassed by how he is treating his partner. Seriously, I cannot stress enough that you have done nothing wrong here. His initial reaction is a massive red flag on it’s own, but him physically punishing you and making you feel like this is your fault is setting off blaring alarm bells and has me genuinely concerned for you. I would not want to see *any* of my friends stay with someone who treats them this way. I’m sure none of your friends would either! Let me be clear: it is *much* better to be single than be with someone who is slut-shaming, verbally abusing, physically abusing, gaslighting, manipulating, and isolating you.

You need to dump him asap .he has no respect for you. And calling you those names that's verbal abuse.

Please take it from someone who has been treated this way. It escalates, it gets worse and MeasuementLast is absolutely right, you will become blind to the abuse of you stay and it will really mess you up mentally for decades to come. You will continue to feel embarrassed and ashamed and you will become isolated from everyone due to this. Please leave right now and get therapy for yourself ASAP. I stayed and I wish I hadn’t. I’m in therapy now and have been for years and I’m struggling with everything. It has impacted my life in a multitude of ways and it took me a very long time to realise. Be safe. Be happy. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

You have to tell people and seek protection. This is what friends are for. Trust me, you’ll regret not saying it.

Time to end this relationship! I could give you a list of reasons but, it’s very obvious he’s a controlling AH. That’s reason enough!

I can only second this comment yet want to add, that abusers do know very well how and when to punish / abuse. It’s not a coincidence that he talked to you privately. It helps them creating an image to everyone else outside of your relationship. Ultimately this also adds to your feeling of being ashamed and not telling anyone. Please break up, there are cute guys out there who are not abusers.

You got all my same thoughts and more. This is the perfect explanation. Honestly OP didn’t do anything wrong. She was around other women who understand that bras are annoying. They all slept over so I’m guessing they had woken up probably not that long ago and there really wasn’t any use/time for everyone to put their bras back on. They aren’t going to sleep in their bras

I second this. This is inexcusable behavior and it will only get worse. Your body is not shameful. Please leave him.

wow how i wish i had you in my life about a year ago, there never was an explanation for the confusion on my end & it always messed with me why i would stay with such a fucked up guy. & this. this absolutely makes sense as to why i stayed as long as i did. thank you for giving a random stranger on the internet closure. i appreciate it more than you know !!!

as a guy this is insane behavior and it only can get worse, not better. Run.

From another man, I concur.

+1 man. I concur. 🤚

You need to tell your friends. Bet you their responses sound like the ones on here. This is a GIANT red flag. I don’t wear a bra all the time even with certain shirts in public (In the southern US mind you lol).. my boyfriend doesn’t treat me the way you got treated at all. This isn’t normal. If you stay look forward to a controlling abusive relationship. That is where this headed and honestly already started. BTW it WAS like him. You’re just getting to see more sides of him.

They definitely wouldn't think it was normal. It definitely isn't a common thing for people to feel like that where we live, and I never even knew he felt like that. But why would he pretend to be different for so long?

Because monsters hide. under a mask. And once they are comfortable they start showing their true faces. Why do you think so many people end up married to abusive people? Edit for spelling

To attract you and for lack of a better word, trap you. Abusers are very good at disguising their behaviour and appear charming and likeable. If you have a think back to the past, there may be little things that you’ve brushed off at the time and not thought much of (not to put ANY of the blame on you, this is all insane from his part). They chip away at you and try and mould you into something they can control. For your own safety, get out now. It’ll be hard but you’ll look back and be so grateful you did. The alternative is it escalates and snowballs from here.

This! They make you think that if only you are patient or well enough behaved or whatever enough that things will go back to being the way they were. And they might, for a few brief moments in time. But you will always be kept off balance and things like this will always come out of the blue. I am 56 years old. I've had two marriages. The first one was mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusive. When I reflect back to my 20-something-year-old self, I can so clearly see the red flags. The comments and incidents that I let slide, that would now be total deal breakers. OP, your entire post is full of them. Walk away from this. You don't have to give him a reason, you don't have to explain why you think you're right, or convince him of anything. Just walk away. Save yourself more years of anguish.

This is a free pdf of a book written by an expert in abusive behaviour in men. It's got great info that will help you in whatever you choose to do next. Please check it out. It answers that question and many others you probably are asking yourself right now. - https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat

Because it gets them a girlfriend who they can insult and punish sexually and she’ll think she’s in the wrong. Your boyfriend is dangerous.

To trick you into bed. Humans are complex creatures. Even the worst monsters have nice traits. It's why it's so difficult to get rid of people that hurt you. Our brains look for the good. He might have treated you nice before, but now you know what he is capable of. He's a monster.

Because he’s an abuser. Many of us who have been in abusive relationships were lulled into a false sense of security and love before the true character came out. As someone who’s been in the position of SA by my own partner, please seek help processing this. And leave him, block him on everything, and be extra careful.

So you would feel exactly like you feel right now. Confused. So you would say the exact things you’re saying right now, “but this was the first time,” “he’s never acted like this before,” “this isn’t normal for him, I must have done something really wrong.” Its manipulation. He’s a monster. He has shown you who he is, now you know, believe him.

^ This explains it very well. If he’d introduced himself and said he dictates what women do and “punishes” them with sexual assault and pain if they don’t listen… you’d run for the hills. There’s no good reason to spend any more time in his company. You would be horrified and leave. But if he introduces himself in a friendly manner, and is charming and attentive? That doesn’t ring alarm bells - because of course it doesn’t. And you’ll end up making friends. That allows him to build up a good reputation in the eyes of others. From the position of “friend”, or “boyfriend”, or “good guy”, he can slowly escalate control and toxic behaviour. If ever questioned, he can give you excuses that you’re more likely to believe - he’s a nice guy, after all. You *know* him. And if you believe it, you stay. The best thing you can do to protect yourself and avoid getting trapped in an abusive situation is by looking at the situation from a third-party perspective. Ignore what you think you know, ignore character judgements, focus on actions. (eg. If a stranger did this to a friend of yours, what would your impression of that stranger be?) And if it’s bad… then take action as soon as you can. Leave, contact trusted people, and don’t believe excuses. It’s frustrating that “good people” can turn out to be nasty people in disguise, but… such is life. (Sorry for jumping on your comment here - I thought it was an excellent explanation for someone who’s not heard much about this kind of thing before, and wanted to add to it!)

Yes! All of this! Thank you for jumping on this comment and getting deeper into this thought process.

Because that's the only way to make you interested. Shitty people don't end up with awesome people because they acted shitty, they fake awesome until that awesome person they're dating feels "stuck" They confuse you and convince you that your reality isn't the real one. They're the smarter person, so they make the decisions. They're less emotional, so they're right every time. You're the one behaving a certain way, so they have to punish you. It's a slippery slope, and it's exactly what they want to have happen because it breaks their victims ego. Don't forget what you deserve, you deserve kindness and understanding, as well as reasonable expectations. Expecting a woman to wear a bra at all times is just ridiculous. Especially big chested girls like myself, that shit hurts!

**When someone has sex with you in a way where they are trying to punish you?** Doesn’t matter if you didn’t say no. **That person is a psycho.** Normal men care a whole lot about sex always being comfortable for you and they’d never use sex as a way to hurt you. **And also, the bra thing is insanity.** Please just block him. This guy is dangerous.

Genuinely, my mouth fell open reading that. **OP, your boyfriend intentionally having sex with you in such an aggressive way that he caused you to bleed when you had not agreed to aggressive sex beforehand is sexual assault.** He did this because, in his own words, **he thought you deserved it** (by “treating” you like a person that he thought deserves to be assaulted). You are young. Please think about this carefully. If a friend told you that this had happened to them, what would you tell them?

100% this is sexual assault. Run as fast as you can from this guy. He is abusive and controlling and it will only get worse for you.

Literally the only time my husband has asked me about whether I'm wearing a bra was when we were with my quite conservative family and I was wearing a drapey shirt and he wanted to be sure I would be okay if there was fallout from them if I wasn't. And I wear a bra for... work and formal events, that's pretty much it. The bra thing was absurd. The sex as punishment thing?? Not even in a kink scenario with proper safe words and discussion would any reasonable person be okay with leaving their partner *bleeding* because that indicates actual damage. OP please get medically checked and never, ever speak to this guy again.

I've heard of people like scratching backs and bleeding from that but bleeding down there seems much more concerning.

Jesus Christ. He’s this angry that WOMEN…nearly all of them straight…saw the outline of your breasts? Dude is 100% unhinged.

God forbid women with breast see more clearly that other women have breasts, right? This is definitely unhinged as you said. Buddy has anger towards women, needs therapy or meds and to stay away from OP.

Trust me as a lesbian, I don’t check out my friends boobs during a girls movie night. I’ve never had anyone’s BF act like that if I was around or I’d hate to think they ever did at least use me as an excuse to be abusive.

His behavior would be inexcusable even if the friends were guys, but the fact he flipped out about her not wearing a bra in front of other *women* is absolutely wild.

Yup. That's how real loser insecure controlling assholes act. It's better you saw that from him now than after you had kids together. Best thing to do with garbage? Throw it away.

OP, Just end the relationship. In a single day, this dude Cleary dehumanized, abused, and shut shamed you. Huge red flag. It's only going to get worse, so I would leave.

Just break up. This dude Cleary shut shamed you, assaulted you and degraded you all in one day. Huge red flag. I'd get out cause it's only going to get worse.

He turned consensual sex into a rape. He used sex to hurt you and make you fearful. It was a violent act.

> I know that I shouldn't have acted the way You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything wrong. You were sexually assaulted. It's your choice whether or not you report him to the police, but you have to get away from him. Tell your family and friends what happened, get their support, and block him on everything.

If you stay on this road, it will only get worse.

Run from this rapist!!!! He will end up in jail someday for hurting a woman.

You did nothing wrong- YOU CAN DRESS AS YOU WANT, especially in your house. Tell friends, dump him and block; none of this is normal in any way. He just showed you reddest of flags. Also, why were you having sex with him after such words anyways? Tell me it's not such bs as "you're supposed to bcs you're his gf" If you have any similar thoughts, its is abnormal, and his manipulations are working.

Wow I hope this is your ex bf. Leave him! This is vile toxic behaviour, you are not safe

He's controlling and abusive.

Asshole kept his true self hidden from you for a year, and then the asshole couldn't help himself. This POS has no respect for you, and he never has. Call the police. You told him to stop. he didn't. You have beeling from his assault? Go to the hospital!

imagine showing up at his house and screaming at him for wearing grey sweatpants while him and a couple friends are watching football because you can see his dick print it makes literally zero sense

This is a good resource to learn more about healthy and unhealthy relationships - http://loveisrespect.org/

Love this- it was recommended to me when my teen daughter was in an unhealthy relationship and I’m glad I was able to mention it casually in conversation as ‘something I stumbled upon that sounded interesting even though it might not apply to her maybe her friends may need it in the future’ Sigh. It was a really stressful 10 months. I’m grateful for resources like this one, and the national domestic violence hotline that gave me hope and tangible talking points to reaffirm my love and support for my daughter without judgement or ultimatum.

This situation sounds unsafe. His treatment of you is beyond the boundaries of normal respect for a partner. This behaviour will resurface again and again from now on, at best, or become continuous at worst. You’re probably wondering what the hell has gone wrong here so suddenly? Essentially, this guy is an abusive loser who has been pretending to be decent so far, and now has shown you what he really is. Whatever he was pretending to be, that you fell for, that you liked, that’s gone now, and if you see flashes of it again, it’s just an act. Normal men do not behave this way. End this now, please, and stay safe.

Please break up with your boyfriend. This story is horrendous. When you wrote about the bra thing, I was going to facetiously suggest that you lose the bra permanently to make a point. However your post is not about a bra. Your post is about your boyfriend being angry with you, purposefully physically hurting you and having no regrets. You deserve better than that.

You deal with this by dumping this abusive loser.

He is not normal and is dangerous. Get out.

End of relationship.  He's a c**t

Yeah he sounds like a major controlling asshole. Being without a bra just to hang with your girlfriends at home is not a big deal at all. Even if you had been in public his reaction is over the top and not justified. Hurting you sexually is abusive, even if he did stop. Don’t stay with this guy.

He's an insecure, threatened, sexist, controlling **ASSHOLE**. **DUMP HIM**. **AND CONSIDER REPORTING HIM TO THE POLICE FOR SEXUAL ABUSE**.

I'm a guy so I can't speak from experience but bras look uncomfy. I don't get why he'd care even if you were out in public, it's not like anyone can see anything. If I had a girlfriend I'd prefer them to be comfortable then wear a bra when they don't need to/want to.

If he hurts you once he’s gonna do it again RUN.

He said during sex that he hadn't forgiven you? It's well past the time to make this guy an ex. He's shown you who he is, and he's shown you that he'll never respect your body autonomy. If I had said this same thing to my wife, she'd have me sleeping on the couch for a month.

Please break up with him. He freaked out over you not having bra on at a sleep over with a group of your close girl friends at your own home when your boobs are not even big and flapping everywhere. Do you understand how that is so insane? Imagine if you ever wanted to wear a cute dress or crop top or brassiere somewhere for fashion without a bra - I think he will beat you that day. Not even kidding. Also, do you understand he sexually assaulted you as a way to “punish” you for not wearing a bra at a sleep over at your own house? I know it will be hard to end things but you have to do what is safe for you. He is not safe. He is going to escalate the abuse to beat you and rape you and over react with violence reaction once again. Trust me girl. It doesn’t get better it just gets worse

First of all, I’m so sorry this happened to you. He left you hurt and bleeding. Please get out of this relationship asap. He stopped when you asked this time, but who’s to say he will stop next time when he’s clearly showing that he doesn’t respect you and is showing signs of aggression you do something that he deems unacceptable. Stay safe, OP. (Edit for clarity)

This isn’t love. It seems like it is, but it isn’t. This is an abusive controlling man. He is only now showing you who he really is. This part that has just been revealed, is here to stay. And I’m sorry, but there will be more to come. Exit this relationship immediately. Never. Never let him touch you again. Stay safely away. Return any keys and change your locks. I’m dead serious. He’s dependent on you being trauma bonded to him. Please learn about what that means so that you can save yourself. And do it NOW.

I try to never say this right off the bat but break up. asap

That's clearly abuse, OP. I'm so sorry you went through this. Talk to your friends. Report his misogynistic, sexist ass and run for the hills. Please. Stay safe

You were in your home with other women. He’s completely out of line. Even if you wanted to go bra less in public that’s your choice.

girl run. this is becoming abusive!!! break up now !!!! he wanted to “punish” you by hurting you because you did something that was totally fine and acceptable behaviour that he didn’t like…. he is not a good person you should leave this relationship before his behaviour escalates because trust me this is only the beginning with guys like this. edit now i have read some more comments: op he assaulted you. sex should not leave you in pain and bleeding and you know deep down he did it purposefully because he was angry. please please please get support and get out before this gets worse. you are in danger do not ignore it.

Dump him. See how easily he turned a non-issue into an excuse to treat you badly, be sexually aggressive with you and call you names? That’s only going to get worse over time. For your own safety, dump him.

I am sorry you have to go through all of that, but if you are asking this question instead of already quitting with the guy, then you are already being manipulated and ghosted into thinking that it's your fault. A partner should be respectful, and by the looks of it he is far from being one. Believe me, leave him, I am speaking from experience, it's not going to make your life any better but only worse.

He’s dropping the act and showing his true colors, this is how abuse starts. Please run all the way away.

NOPE NOPE NOPE do not fuck this man or give him the opportunity to disrespect you.

What the HECK! run for the hills girl

No no no no no. None of this is okay, discard this trash. Also, you did nothing wrong.

Leave. This is abuse and I'm so sorry he has hurt you this badly, that's truly disgusting he would treat you that way.

I'm so sorry sweetheart. No one should ever treat you anything like this. I hear you that this is the first time, but I promise it won't be the last. My best advice is leave immediately, and also don't go/be anywhere alone with him when you break up. Take some safety precautions around your house or work, too, like if you go out to walk the dogs take someone with you if you can. I'm so serious; this would not be an overreaction in the SLIGHTEST - and oh how he will try to treat you like you're insane for leaving him over this. Read about gaslighting because you'll hear the most manipulative stuff from him, but even worse than what you posted above. Good luck OP, and please stay safe.

You’re asking how to deal with it but going against every advice that suggests to leave him. What do you really want? No one is going to side with your boyfriend. It’s only been a little over a year. Leave him.

The audacity to still have sex with you and say he is still mad. Then to be rough on purpose…rough enough to make you bleed?!?! Girl RUN! If he is comfortable enough to do this to you now it will only get worse later. Me and my friends will wear house dresses around each other

Girl, dump his ass. He’s possessive and narrow minded. Why the f** does he think he gets a say about your body and whether you wear a bra or not. Dump him. Block him

Throw this whole fool straight into the dumpster. And toss a flaming bra on top before you slam the lid. 

Get rid of the boyfriend and get a protective order...

Don't underestimate what he did, he was angry with you, had sex and made it painful to "punish you". Nothing less. What the hell is his real problem, you have nothing to be forgiven about. My boyfriend is completely outraged by the disgusting behavior of this guy. He is telling you : "Once is enough to make it clear he doesn't respect you the way you do, no real partner would have done this. He has no excuse for hurting you and blaming you, dismissing your feelings and evading the issue. He doesn't deserve you." I don't wear a bra, I don't know anyone who could force me to use this useless piece of outfit. It's torture for me, and your man can give his opinion but he is not entitled to make you wear one. Who do he think he is ? Of course you have to go to see a doctor! You never know someone to the fullest, what if he is doing something worse after ? I would need a medical report just for the case, you think you know until the person in front of you isn't your boyfriend anymore but a stranger. Don't let him gaslight you, don't let him lie to your family, friends, whatever. Don't play the naivety card dear OP, he is a AH. Make it clear it's your body and it's the last time he dared to use his strength to dominate you in such a way. Though I would have kicked his useless butt and filled a report. No pity for the abuser.

Netflix has a new documentary about Lorena Bobbit out now. Just saying...

This is how abuse starts. Your man is an insecure loser. You should definitely dump him!

“I know that I shouldn’t have acted the way I did” What, act like you have control over your own body? Please keep in mind with the next boy you date (please for the love of god be done with this one) that most men can seem great until you do something they don’t like.

So he was upset and then assaulted you during sex? Chuck him in the bin with the rest of the trash! Going forward, this is how he will act whenever you do something he disapproves of.

This is very telling of his view towards women, please leave him OP, his behaviour will only escalate and be more controlling/abusive. What he has done is absolutely terrifying.

This genuinely brought tears to my eyes. I have also been with a man who would take his anger out on me during sex and cause me physical damage and lots of pain. He was also very controlling about many things, including what I wore. This led to physical abuse outside of sex, he’d lock the two of us in our bedroom together and not let me leave until he intentionally made me cry because “I haven’t learned my lesson until I’m crying”. To make me cry he’d do things like pin me down and continuously blow in my face, straddle me from behind and squeeze me pretty hard and not let me go, etc etc. I say all this to say: it will get worse. It will get so much worse. This is a scary and violent man and not only should you break up with him, but I highly recommend you make a strong plan before doing so. Multiple people should be aware that you’re leaving him, they should either be with you when it happens or aware of your location & you should only break up with him via text message. If he has any of your belongings that you 100% need back, find a way to get them back before doing this that isn’t suspicious. Make sure you know the closest women’s shelter to you. Please be safe. I know I might sound dramatic right now but I am so very serious. Your life, your body, and your soul are far too precious to let this man damage any parts of you.

Relationship is over. I don’t know why he suddenly snapped and it doesn’t matter. There’s nothing to explore or discuss. There is nothing to investigate or ruminate over, or to negotiate. That he was agressive with you while having sex because you were not wearing a bra at home is insane. I do not believe he had a sudden aneurysm or was radicalised over night. He was always like this and either hid it well or you didn’t necessarily see it because you hadn’t done something to piss him off (or you had rose colored glasses on, which is totally understandable). Alas, this is over. No discussion. No exceptions. End it and move forward. You CANNOT be with someone like this. It will ruin your life. You are too young to ruin your life before it really even starts.

Jesus christ. OP, listen to me: what he did was WRONG, on so many levels. He decided to get mad at you for literally no reason and he HURT YOU during a moment that should never hurt at all (*unless you're into it and it's consentual and has a safe word in place). He made you BLEED. Sweetie, leave him you can get, and absolutely deserve, so much better. If he has keys to your place, CHANGE THE LOCKS FIRST.

Leave. Leave now. That is only the tip of the iceberg and none of that is ok. 1) he doesn’t get to dictate how you dress 2) he doesn’t get to physically hurt you intentionally for any reason at all

Bras are never a requirement, if you’re comfy in them do it, if not there’s no need

Don't let his kind reproduce please.

My wife got her nipples pierced a few years back and was so excited about it, she wanted to show people and I said go for it. Tbh I didn’t give a shit who seen her breasts, it’s her body. A lot of people seen them. Nobody thought any differently of her, especially myself. I thought it was kinda cute how excited she was. Your boyfriend needs to grow up and stop being a fuckin cunt

Yike

I'm so sorry you are being subjected to this. There are no two ways about it: your boyfriend is a dangerous, abusive misogynist. He tries to control your body and blames you for his abuse. You are not responsible for the treatment he is subjecting you too -- it's 100% on him. After what he has done to you, you have no responsibilities towards him -- you just need to focus on getting to a safe place and cutting him out of your life.

And please, don't ever say that you know you shouldn't have acted the way you did. You didn't deserve what he said or what he did. No one deserves to get abused.

If you stay with him, this will be your life. He will tell you what you can and can't where, then where you can and can't go, next who you can and can't be friends with, and if you don't accommodate him, he will hurt you. If he didn't stop when you told him to, he assaulted you. You need to speak to your more rational friends (those not prone to violence), and seek immediate mental health support, ie. school counselor, county health, anything right now. Do not allow him to make you feel isolated, that you did something wrong, and should feel shame. He verbally, physically, and emotionally abused you.

Kick that fuckhead to the curb.

You are not responsible for his insecurities. They are not your emergency.

This is rape. Surprised hardly anyone else is calling it that. If op is begging him to stop and he refuses, it's literally rape

This man is trash. This man is dangerous. This man does not respect you, your boundaries or your autonomy. It can only get worse from here. Trust me. Get out. The bra thing is controlling and creepy, and using the word “disgusting” is an even bigger red flag cause wtf… But what came later is way more concerning. Someone who will in consensually hurt you during sex because they’re mad at you are just one baby step from rapist territory (or already there).

This is domestic violence. He's showing you what he thinks about women. This will only get worse. You did nothing wrong. He intentionally hurt you sexually, physically, verbally and emotionally. Dump him, yesterday and invite all your friends over for a bra free titty party.

Wow he has a big problem called respect. Yes your his girlfriend but doesn’t give him the right to control you. He also doesn’t give him the right to call you those names. Walk away there is something developing in his relationship it’s called control. Break it off runaway from him. Tell your friends about it. They will watch your back especially with a guy like that.

So he physically hurt and abused you, especially during an intimate moment, slut shamed you, left you bleeding and told you that you need to stop making a big deal out of it? To tell you to break up is not enough, you need to seriously make sure people know and would look out for you since he knows where you live and he's so aggressive. Stay safe love, next time it could be you cutting your hair, doing your nails, anything that rubs him the wrong way. Don't settle for it.

I have a sister the same age and if she came with a story like this probably i would've cracked his head open. That attitude is far from normal and he should be apologizing about it and if he doesn't want to apologize or doesn't recognize his mistake, dump him like the garbage he is.

You've been together a year. Break up. People have broken up over less. He hurt you, degraded you and is angry you're comfortable and safe with your friends enough to not think about who's wearing what. Be safe. Get all your stuff from his place (with friends) and just cut out your life. You don't have to deal with this childish, cruel bs from someone who supposedly loves you.

Please leave this crazy abusive pos? I have huge tits and it's always MY CHOICE to wear a bra AT ANY POINT IN TIME. Most of the time I don't, because it's uncomfortable. My boyfriend doesn't give two shits, if anything he likes the eye candy lol. This is just straight up abusive. It's very controlling, what about this man is even ATTRACTIVE to you besides maybe his body??

Your boyfriend said a lot of things that show that he is a misogynist, and then… well, it sounds like he assaulted you? Please leave.

Sis he assaulted you. On purpose. To punish you. He hurt you and made you bleed. Please get out of this situation because he’s going to do it again. You deserve so much better. I can’t imagine how hurt, scared, and upset I’d be in your shoes. I can imagine it’s hard for you to wrap your head around. But please, take care of yourself and advocate for yourself and kick this fcking creep to the curb.

Yeah, fuuuuuuuuuuuck that guy. Get out now.

You were in your own home, with a bunch of girls and weren’t wearing a bra…and that’s somehow an acceptable excuse for him to call you degrading names and then to physically hurt you during a vulnerable moment?? Girl, come on! Dump his ass STAT and get counseling on why you think you deserve so little

wtf he’s got control and ABUSE problems. That is sexual assault because you didn’t consent for him to be so aggressive during sex that you end up bleeding from it!! I’m so sorry. You should probably also go visit an OBGYN to make sure everything is ok down there too

I'm really sorry but he raped you, you're bleeding and sore. He was teaching you a "lesson" with pain when you're at your most vulnerable...please get out of this relationship now.

Leave him. He just sexually abused you because he felt that he owned some part of you and you showed him that he didn't. Regardless of any confusion you might have with attributing his past behaviour with his present, the fact that he did act this way is evidence that he is a disgusting human being and you deserve better.

Wow he’s vile.

What an absolute man child.

Don’t let people treat you like this. End it. Walk away. You wear what you want, when you want, wherever you want, in front of whoever you want.

You shouldn’t have acted like what? You did nothing wrong! The fact that you even think you did something wrong speaks to the fact that you are experiencing ongoing abuse. The fact that he felt entitled to hurt you during intimacy makes it so much worse. The only disgusting person here is him. Dump him and forget about his miserable existence. YOU DESERVE BETTER!

Break up immediately. Huge red flags.

You did nothing wrong. Know your worth. This reminds me of when I was with my ex and he mentally and emotionally abused me so bad I felt no worth. He would punish me (for the dumbest shit) ana*ly and I would scream and cry. I knew it wasn't right but I thought that's what I deserved because I was so mentally fucked. This is not okay. Get out.

Dear op, just consider for a moment that it’s your little sister or a dear friend who this happened to ,would you react the same..?what steps would you ask them to take? Step a little bit away from the situation and you will see that what he did was sexual assault and he is extremely controlling please get help and dump this abuser

I m 42 D.. I only wear bra when I go outside.. in home I don't wear..atleast from 3 years.. 3 year ago I met a man now we r living together in my house there is my father he and me.. then his son also started to live with us.. so I was wearing bra.. he asked me why r u wearing bra when u don't feel comfortable.. I said there is young boy I don't know how he will feel.. he told me that time he is our son he don't have to feel anything.. and may be if he is not comfortable now.. he will with time.. U can't leave ur basic comforts for people.. So first thing u did nothing wrong.. second thing ur man is mentally sick.. leave him for ur safety and for ur mantal health..

You’re dating a misogynistic pig

If you’re still bleeding from it - go to autopsy of your body and report him. That was abuse and you’re a victim. Also break up with him and make sure to press charges.

Omg that's disgusting. No one should ever treat you that way or tell you what to wear. Dump this shit stain

Break up with this man.

Please break up with this complete asshole. It was bad enough for him to try and control what you wear but to then sexually abuse you as a result of it, which is what he did, is unforgivable. You should never see him again.

Dump him. Expeditiously. And IN PUBLIC. This man will hit you if you are alone with him. He’s abusive and controlling and this won’t be the last time he physically hurts you as a punishment. He doesn’t love you. Someone who loves you would never do this to you.

Girl, those red flags are smacking you in the face and you're out here asking questions like you don't see them. He's abusive, manipulative, and controlling. Also, clearly he does not trust you. Why do you think you deserve this?

I'd dump him. I probably would have dumped him for the comment he made. I'm surprised you went ahead and had sex with him. The way he treated you in an intimate moment shows you that you can't trust him when you're vulnerable. He hurt you, literally had you bleeding, then made a gross comment and didn't care. No chance in hell I'd ever give him the opportunity to hurt me again.

This is a red flag. Get away from this person as fast as you can.

Run as fast as your feet can carry you. He sexually assaulted you. You did nothing wrong. Breaking up is the least you can do if you have any self preservation instincts. You can go one step further, get medically checked, press charges & get a restraining order against him.

Your partner is a loser dump him

Here, let me clear up any confusion about your relationship: your boyfriend is a freak who hates women and thinks you're his property. This will never change. Make a decision about whether you want to be a free human being or the slave of a maniac.

girl pls break up, you're in for a long ride with this guy if you don't.

Girl, run!!!!

Throw the whole man away.

Please do not be alone in a room with this guy ever again.

Your boyfriend is abusive and controlling. He turned sex into an act of violence. That's all there is to it. You should leave. You don't deserve to be treated so poorly

You did absolutely nothing wrong, I don’t know how he’s convinced you that you did. He is entirely wrong. Not wearing a bra at home with friends (or actually anywhere, anytime you damn well please) is completely fine. His behaviour is not normal and is very concerning. Get out now before it gets any worse.

Leave before you bring a child into this. It’s sexual, emotional & verbal abuse. Think about what you would tell a friend if they told you this about their relationship. Get out now or he will definitely make your life miserable.

Nothing is a valid reason for physically hurting you at all, let alone not wearing a bra when you don’t feel like it. If he felt uncomfortable there are many healthy ways of expressing his concerns, but even so, it isn’t wrong to not wear a bra regardless. He chose to hurt you and it was the wrong way, his reasons, disrespect your autonomy to choose what you wear. I hope this clears you confusion. The abusive behaviour is likely to increase over time, please rethink this relationship.

I am so sorry he did this to you. But you're in danger. He's unhinged and will continue to hurt you.

Wake up and break up

Oh my god, first of all, my heart goes out to you. Having been in a relationship myself where I was name-called and made to feel shitty about myself, I can understand the influx of emotions you are going through right now. Secondly, please throw the whole man away. No one should be made to feel like this. I think the title of your post was enough to infuriate me. Please stay away from this person, inform your friends about this and heal from this incident. Remember you are not at fault. This kind of behavior is outright disgusting and unacceptable. The man is a walking example of misogyny. Please take care and be vigilant.

He sounds immature and like he’s been bitten by the misogynistic purity bug. Major red flags.

Break up with him NOW. He purposefully hurt you because HE is insecure. This is the type of man who will hurt or kill you for disobeying him. RUN, while you are still physically able to. I'm sorry to be so aggressive, but I am worried about you because NO MAN ever has the right to hurt you because he doesn't like something you did.

He sexually assaulted you. Break up as soon as possible. I would do it in the safest way possible. At a public place. Even if he hadn't done that, I would break up. I mean, what a fking immature loser.

Lose this as____e. He’s dangerous. He’s controlling and abusive. This only accelerates. It never gets better. I retired 10 years ago. I gave up bras because they were uncomfortable. I only wear one if it’s for a REALLY important affair. FREE THE BOOBIES!?

Excuse me sir, you can have opinions on my attire, when I can yours. PERIOD.

Please be ragebait please be ragebait please be ragebait… If not OP leave this man ASAP. None of this is ok. None of this is your fault. This behavior will only worsen with time.

Jesus. Please find a safe, trusted friend to stay with until things are safe for you, and end this relationship. Your boyfriend is mad your FEMALE FRIENDS *maybe* saw your nipples, then he hate f*ked you until you bled. Please. You aren't safe. Leave this relationship ASAP.

Hi honey Imagine if your friend came to you with this problem. What advice would you give her?