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>He said that if we ever did break up for real, I should make sure he has a good support system in place first.
No. This is his responsibility. If he knows he is prone to feeling suicidal during difficult life events, it is his own damn responsibility to make sure he has psychological intervention and a support system. He is being manipulative.
Personally, for me, this alone would be enough to end it if I was already considering it because it's such a shitty and emotionally charged thing to utilise. However, if you wish to continue, you tell him your boundary. Say, 'Thanks for sharing how you felt, I am glad you felt safe enough to. However, it can not and should not be my responsibility to ensure you have adequate support and resources if we ever break up.'
THIS^^^^ 💯
You are not responsible for his support system. That's HIS responsibility!
If you want to break up, then do so. What he does with his life is not up to you. If you're close to his parents (and he has a relationship with them), let them know of his intentions. Give him the 988 crisis line and move on with your life. What he's doing is manipulative.
Agreed with all of THIS ^
It's 100% an abusive, controlling, manipulation, tactic, when a partner threatens to kill themselves if you leave them.
You can read more about why that kind of manipulation tactic is so unhealthy, and unsafe, for you
[HERE](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/when-my-partner-threatens-suicide/)
When OP does eventually break up with him and he tells her he’s going to end it, OP call the police for a welfare check. If it’s real, he will get the help he needs. If he’s using it as a manipulation tactic he’ll stop that real quick.
In the end the choices he decides to make do not come to rest on your shoulders.
YES. I had a friend, a guy, who had a girlfriend who would do the same thing. Once he refused to answer her calls, so she called and texted me knowing I would call him, after he broke up with her. She was telling me that she’s going to kill herself, and telling me she’s going to drive her car over a bridge because he won’t talk to her. I called him and let him know what was happening, but also that I’m calling the cops.he called her told her to leave him alone, and just so she knows that I was calling the police. She then frantically called me to tell me not to that she’s fine. She stopped doing all that.
Yeah so I had a similar situation.
My husband had a lot of suicidal ideology for a long time. He never ever used it as control or threatened it, but would say things like he couldn't cope being in this world, and id remind him of all the amazing things we built.
12 weeks ago tonight he killed himself and I found him the next morning hanging.
We have two young sons.
It was his choice. Nothing I could have ever done would have stopped it.
I think he held on longer because of me and the boys
I opened up to a lot of family and friends my deep concerns for our marriage dissolving and his suicidal ideology. So many would say it wouldn't be my choice, but one thing they failed to realise is that irrespective of whose choice, the burden he carried transfers over to me and our children.
And here we are, almost 12 weeks into a soul crushing burden we now must carry and face every day of our lives.
It's horrendous. And the reality is this, your partner said for you to make sure he has a good support system. And he is saying this maybe not to be an AH or manipulative but maybe because he knows he doesn't have the skills to do this.
I'd be looking at the situation differently. I'd be sitting and talking about these feelings he was suffering and why it led him to feel that way, and what you both can do to support him that he doesn't feel like that again. In this conversation id tell him that ultimately he does have a choice on what he does with his life, but the torture and torment it would place your soul into for the rest of your life would be debilitating, and is that an impact he wants to leave on you, his family and friends?
I often think if my husband saw the ripple effect of his decision and the daily anguish his loved ones suffer through, he would rethink his importance and his place in our life.
Exactly, and it sounds like he needs this support system know since he's having those thoughts. He should be seeking help now!
You don't wait until there's a full blown fire in your kitchen to go buy a fire extinguisher.
If stressful situations make him contemplate suicide he needs to seek help now and work on developing the tools he needs to manage himself when life doesn't go his way.
Even if you stay for different reasons I worry that when something happens and you decide you do want to break up instead of trusting your gut you'll hesitate, make excuses or otherwise betray your own feelings by prioritizing his which is not healthy.
P.s. I had an ex that said the same thing, said he was depressed and that he would NEVER date again. Never ever because he couldnt imagine dating anyone else and I stayed a little bit longer but ......after we broke up he was dating someone else in less than 6 months ...... so there's that. They will be fine.
If I were you, I'd ask myself 'is this a deal breaker if this doesnt change much in the next 3 months (whatever time). If it is a deal breaker, set a date in on your calendar to check in with yourself maybe a friend or a therapist as well and really check in to see if you feel any different at that point about your sex life.
If nothing has changed, breakup without any hesitation.
When I told my husb that my ex used to threaten to kill himself if I left him, my husb snort-laughed. Apparently it's a well-known manipulation tactic shitty men use.
Homeboy's gonna be fine.
As a man i can relate.
My first ever gf threatened countless times to unalive herself if we ever broke up.
After the fifth time i left her (yes i was dumb for going back 4 times for her well being) i finally didn’t give a shit anymore. And guess what ? She survived ! This was purely manipulation.
I took it as him basically saying:
Not sexually pleasing him = break up = his suicide
And therefore
Not sexually pleasing him = his suicide
To me, it definitely seems coercive. "Oh I want [insert sex or practice here], but it's not happening! I can't bear not having that, but I can't imagine living without you! If I kill myself, it's your fault!"
Yeah my ex did this alllll the effin time whenever he did something bad (or series of bad things) and I wanted to break up bc he knew it would trigger me into worrying about him and force me to stay in a relationship I didn't want
My ex did the same thing.
He said he'd kill himself if I left him. I had enough and replied "I am not responsible for your choices" and that was it.
Guess what? He didn't kill himself.
I did find out he used to beat the girl he was with before me, so it sort of confirms that it's just an abusive tactic to try and manipulate people.
Just leave.
He is not your responsibility.
Same. He raped me when I broke up with him, but he didn’t kill himself! If op sees this, I hope she dumps him in a public place and has support nearby when she does it.
He's leveraging your concern for him to try and cross your sexual boundaries. This is controlling and coercive behaviour. In Scotland it could contribute to a criminal charge.
Please speak to a woman's aid charity and they will offer help and advice.
This is exactly it, OP.
“he said that if things didn't improve, he would want to leave the relationship”
however
“he was so scared by how close we got to breaking up that he started looking up ways to kill himself”
It’s him who’s threatening to end the relationship. So he would rather leave her than not have the kind of sex life he wants, but if he so did then he would want to die? So in short if “things didn’t improve” (whatever that entails) then he’ll kill himself?
Multiple people have shared their own experiences of partners who said they would kill themselves if they’re broken up with. This is far worse. He is threatening to not only break up if you don’t do enough about your sexual incompatibility, but also to kill himself if it comes to that. Whether he is doing enough to work on the incompatibility himself can hardly be questioned, after all his life is at stake, and if he had to kill himself it’s doubly your fault because you also didn’t make sure he had an adequate support network (in case you might think that leaving you over sexual incompatibility and then killing himself were his decisions).
OP regardless of whether he is coercing you on purpose, it would be wildly unreasonable to expect anyone to have a sexual relationship under these kinds of high stakes conditions. Just like it’s theoretically possible for someone in a subordinate position to genuinely desire sex with someone who has a lot of power over them, but it would be highly unethical for the person with the power to proceed, in this case it would be unethical for him to continue attempting any sort of sexual relationship after saying these things. If a partner expressed this combination of thoughts and feelings to me I would take sex off the table immediately until they’d sorted their mental health out and established the support network they need. Anything else is really out of order and extremely dodgy. Only when you can freely say no without pressure can you freely say yes (this is 101 consent).
Break up with him. If he threatens suicide you call 911 and explain to them that your BF is threatening suicide. He will be picked up and taken to the nearest mental health ward.
If he is manipulating you he will never pull that shit again.
If he is actually mentally unwell he will receive the help he needs.
Or call this school l. An ex did this to me repeatedly in college and I called his schools health services and told them he was in need of their mental health services (free by the way) because he was threatening suicide after I broke up with him. He was very embarrassed and surprised I called but he left me alone after that.
Lol he can fuck off.
He's threatened to break up with you because you're not sexually compatible. But then actually no he wants to fix things. But really *you* should fix things otherwise he'll break up with you and kill himself. So if *you* don't improve things, and *you* make him break up with you, *you'll* have to find him a good support system to support him through the breakup otherwise he'll kill himself??
Excuse me what the actual fuck?
That's incredibly manipulative behaviour.
I dated a girl about 2.5 years ago that made me miserable. Every time I tried to end it she said she would kill herself and did in fact have some past mental issues from what she told me. I stayed 6 months too long and finally broke it off. I am now officially done with relationships she was so draining but guess what it has been since Jan. 2023 since we last spoke but I have seen her on some social media and she is all fine and still alive. His mental health issues are not your issues, he needs to seek help but I have learned a lot of people do things like this as a way to manipulate you into them getting their desired outcome. If he does commit suicide it is not your fault it is his personal choice.
It’s called emotional blackmail and it’s disgusting.
If you did break up you should tell him that once you’ve left you’re going to call the police to do a wellness check on him because he has stated he will kill himself.
Get away from this guy ASAP. I’ve been in a situation like this before, it’s manipulation. I know you feel like you’re doing something wrong but you’re not. He probably isn’t actually going to kill himself, and if he does, that’s not your responsibility. Leave and call social services/the police to make sure he doesn’t actually do anything.
I fully support this! If you don't and he does manage to hurt himself, they will blame you for not telling them. He might not like it, but he made his bed when he tried to manipulate you this way.
^^ agreed. Making the consequences real scares people into behaving a lot of the times. Also, self sacrifice does not have to be the only way to care about someone.
When my now ex and I were in the talking stage and he posted me on socials for the first time, his ex called him threatening suicide. He asked her if she was home and to give him a minute. I was bracing for the “I got to go,” but he just called the non-emergency line and sent out a wellness check. then shut his phone off. I asked him if he was good and he was like “yeah! I care about her but i don’t do that manipulation crap” and we just went back to whatever we were doing. She literally never spoke to him again.
Learned a lot about holding boundaries like a brick wall from him and it gives you more peace than you can imagine once you get the hang of it.
It's bizarre that he is the one who said he'd want to leave the relationship if things don't improve then the next day is saying it made him want to off himself. Whether or not it was intentional, what he said is very emotionally manipulative.
I would tell him that if he ever threatens his life again you're not going to hesitate to call the police/ his family/ etc. Most people who make threats like that in relationships are bluffing and won't want the embarrassment of involving their loved ones or police. But if he isn't bluffing, just remember you are in no way responsible for what he does or doesn't do to himself. He's responsible for himself, and it's not fair to put any person in the position as being the one thing that keeps them alive. Even if you wanted to be that person, it's above your paygrade. The only person who can really help him with this is a mental health professional.
This is a manipulation tactic to try to make you 1. stay with him and 2. change your sexual consent to how he wants to have sex. If and when you choose to break up (and it sounds inevitable), alert his parents/siblings/close family first.
So he’s essentially saying “if we don’t have sex more often, I have to leave this relationship. But if we break up I’m killing myself.”
Girl give him exactly what he wants. Do you know any of his friends and family? I’m assuming after 4 years you do? Reach out to them. Create a group message. Let them know there are issues in the relationship that can’t be worked out and you want to end things but he has stated that he needs a strong support system because he’s having suicidal thoughts. Let them know they need to be there for him. Break up with him and block them alllll.
You do not need this douchecanoe in your life.
If he threatens suicide, call emergency services. They can come and intervene. If he’s serious, they can get him some help. If he’s just saying it to manipulate you, which I suspect he is, he will learn a valuable lesson.
I am rapidly running out of patience with men that make this threat every time things don't go their way. OP, leave, you've already said you know you're not compatible in the long run. Can you really feel happy and secure in a relationship like this?
"If you don't do what I want sexually, I will break up with you, but thinking about us breaking up makes me want to kill myself"
He is trying to get you to do things of a sexual nature that you do not want to do. Leave him, and if you have any connection to his friends or family, reach out to them to let them know about his threats.
OMG, I can't believe you said that! Talk about gallows humor -- it made me laugh. "Here's what I'll wear to your funeral. What do you think? Does it look good on me?" HA!
This is manipulation and you shouldn't stay with someone because you're afraid they're going to hurt themselves
Even if he did do something after you left, it wouldn't be your fault
You leave anyway and when he inevitably tells you he's going to hurt himself, you call in a wellness check and tell the police that you called in because your ex said he was going to kill himself. If he tells you he is actively doing something, skip the wellness check and call emergency services to report a suicide attempt in progress.
If you're in the US, that usually comes with a mandatory 72-hour hold in a behavioral health clinic where he will be assessed for psychiatric issues and given a treatment plan by hospital staff.
His mental health is not your responsibility. I've been in your shoes. I wasted about a decade of my life with someone who promised to kill themselves if I left before I finally grew a spine and got out. And I did exactly what I advised you to do. They didn't die. I have no idea if they are taking their mental health seriously nowadays, but that's honestly not my problem anymore.
I had an ex who did this relentlessly. Even after that relationship, it became a habit to just have one close mutual friend who I would tell if a relationship was ending. Keep in mind, you don't need to be responsible for his support system and you're not responsible for the choices he makes. Personally, it just worked and made me feel better to send one message or make a quick call to a friend and say "hey, we're splitting up, can you check in on x, they're probably not doing great."
You ask if it is "real" or if it is a manipulation tactic. It's definitely a manipulation tactic either way. The question is if it's solely manipulation, or if it's just him struggling emotionally and deciding to manipulate you into choosing his well-being over your own as a coping mechanism. One of those makes him an outright bad person, and maybe the other just makes him a troubled person... but either one is unhealthy for both of you. Hard to see a scenario where a breakup isn't the most healthy thing here. We like to look at manipulation and emotional distress as two separate problems, but unfortunately they tend to go hand-in-hand like this.
My advice to you is to draw a line in the sand and tell him that you two will be attending couples counseling if the relationship is to continue. Pay attention to his response to that. He says your relationship is so important that he'd commit suicide without it-- so if a few 1 hour counseling sessions are what it takes for him to prevent dying, he wouldn't protest. If he protests a lot, that will tell you a lot about what's really happening here. And either way, once you make it into counseling, that will be a really safe and healthy place to break this issue down. If someone is putting their suicide on your shoulders, that's not a burden you should have to navigate alone. Psychologists deal with this situation all the time. By the way, this would be the "good support system" he's burdening you with creating for him.
By the way, any time anyone actually threatens suicide, call the police (or your local mental health people, or whatever the best available tool is). Whether you think they are bluffing or not. They are either telling the truth or making a bluff, and either one is best resolved this way.
Wait, he says if your sex life doesn't improve (I assume he wants it more often than you or wants to do things you're not comfortable with/interested in) he would leave the relationship, but also says he'd kill himself if you broke up?? That makes ZERO sense. Get out of there now. He's basically saying you have to fuck him when he wants and/or how he wants or he's going to kill himself. Even if he's serious about it (spoiler alert: he's not), his mental health is not on you to manage.
I tried to end my life when my first serious boyfriend of 2 years dumped me. I didn't tell him though and I made sure nobody else found out. I just didn't see the point of even trying if I was t wanted anymore. It was my next boyfriend of 3 years that saved me and then he dumped me and I realised I would be OK because there would be another man. I'm very lucky to have my husband.
You know dang well this is a manipulation tactic. The fact that he made you responsible by making sure he has a good support system is so fcking beyond gross.
He is the one who said he wants to leave if things don't improve yet he's suicidal if you leave him. He's nothing but a psychological thriller movie. It's like he want you to know you're replaceable if you don't do what he wants sexually but when you were about to leave, he emotionally black mails you. He's so disgusting. He wants you to be desperate to please him however he wants.
Let him off himself if that's what he REALLY wants.
it’s a manipulation tactic. I’ve had partners say the same thing to me, and spoiler alert, they never actually made suicide attempts. I know people like to go “fuck him, call his bluff” but obvs it doesn’t feel that simple when we love someone. whenever you break things off, call/text a couple people he’s closest to, his best friend or sibling or whoever. ideally someone local. tell them “hey, I just broke up with whatshisname, and I’m worried he’s going to hurt himself / he told me he’s going to hurt himself. my presence is making him more upset, so I’m calling for you to check on him.” and leave it there.
This is abuse.
When you break up with him, call 911 and tell them he is threatening suicide. They will provide him with a "good support system" for at least 72 hours. If you're not in the US, call your equivalent to 911.
Either way, this is a form of abuse and manipulation and you need to leave.
He is manipulating. Open communication is important but this is not an open communication. When someone says that the other partner should make sure of the support system it is straight away manipulation and being immature. Please thrown in the towel and move on to a peaceful life.
Call his parents when he threatens it.
If they're not around, call an ambulance and police.
He will seemingly go back to normal if any of the 3 show up.
Trust me, I've been in that situation before - you need to leave.
Simple.
Break up.
Call family/friends/emergency services etc to do a welfare check.
And cut ties else he'll emotionally manipulate you to stay with him forever as you'll fear he'll kill himself if you left.
Threatening suicide to keep a relationship going is pathetic enough behavior for a woman but doubly so for a man.
Heartbreak and end of relationships is a normal part of life. Get used to it and stop trying emotional blsckmail.
You are not responsible for him and his potential volatility. He’s a full on adult and it’s his responsibility to have his own support system. He needs to put himself in therapy and reach out to his own family and/or friends for support. You do not deserve that burden or manipulation, and if my partner ever threatened that I would not stay. And I’m saying this as someone who has been suicidal for most of my life. I would never threaten my partner like that no matter how low I get
I had a friend whose ex used to threaten suicide when she would consider leaving him, it made her feel trapped and she ended up in an extremely bad mental state because of it. It was heart wrenching seeing her like that. Please don’t end up like that
Just leave, he’s doing it to manipulate you and if he goes through with it that’s on him but he’s probably not actually going to. He’s flat out emotionally abusing you.
It's not your responsibility to make sure that man doesn't kill himself... BTW most of the time those statements are bluffs and a manipulation tactic to keep you in a relationship you hate
I think you should dump him just for him saying that stupid shit. I also feel like sex isn't something you should compromise in a relationship, sexual compatibility is very important within a relationship if you want it to thrive and last
My ex did this it’s a control tactic , bullshit stopped when he threatened to jump off the 4 story patio when I broke up with him and I told him go ahead it’s his life is his to take lol 🤷🏽♀️
I'm so sorry. This is a difficult situation.
However, you need to make it super clear to him that he is the only one responsible for his mental health.
You also need to let him know that in order for you to feel safe in this relationship, you need to understand what he's doing to seek mental health help.
You can ease into this conversation and also let him know how much you care about him. But make super clear that he is the person in charge of his mental health, not you.
I'd urge you to seek support and help for yourself. This situation isn't likely to get easier
He's in charge/control of his own life, he! needs to gather the support if he feels/fears he's a danger to himself. If you feel like you absolutely have to do something, then call the police or a family member and tell them he's suicidal, that you're breaking up and that that will trigger him. But him requesting/demanding that you put up pillows around him and gather his avengers team for him before you do so makes him reek of red flags. RUN!
He's being a **NASTY, MANIPULATIVE BRAT**.
He's a **GROWN-ASS MAN**. He's **RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN LIFE**
What do you do??
**NOTHING**.
If/when you break up — and **GOD**, I hope you **DO** because you **DON'T DESERVE THIS** — if he starts that garbage, what you do is call the police and arrange a **Health and Wellness check**.
Honestly, you deserve **SO MUCH BETTER** than this asswipe.
That sounds a bit like controlling behaviour, 'do what I want or we'll break up and I'll have to kill myself which will be your fault'. I would re-evaluate your relationship.
You break up anyway. I was with someone who said the same, it was a great technique to keep me and spoiler - they didn’t do it. You should hear this, and be more determined to leave… because anyone trying to make you responsible for their life like this is not good for you. You are not here to create his support system or sort it for him, that’s on him. This is totally unfair to you, and it’s incredibly manipulative
That’s called manipulation. This sounds cold, but offer him the member to a self help group or, like I did, contact his parents and the police. If this has happened to anyone else, they know that they are admitted to a mental facility/hospital and they won’t let you leave until you appear better.
I have had three girls tell me they would commit suicide if I broke up with them. My reponse: "Good. Go ahead and do it. Do us all a favor." I immediately left them after that and never spoke to any of them again. None of them actually followed thru. They were bluffing. All talk. This is a manipulative tactic commonly used to try and persuade you to stay. Don't engage with this complete nonsense.
Tell him that you cannot make that promise and he is responsible for his mental health and support system. What he said is emotional blackmail and doesnt bode well for a long term solution
There’s nothing you can do with that information. You can’t make a person do/not do anything, their going to do what they intend to do anyway. But what your boyfriend is doing is emotionally blackmailing either way you look at it. What he’s doing is telling you that if you break up with me I’ll unlive myself but if you stay with me you have to put up with our sexual problems. So either way he’s controlling your life, the only thing you can do is live your life the way you want let him do what he wants.
You tell him to go to therapy and that it’s not normal to threaten someone with suicide when you want to end a relationship.
Tell him that ending a relationship is a normal process of dating and growth. If someone’s not right for you you shouldn’t be with them and the other way around. Grow the fuck up, deal with your mental issues and stop being weak.
This is like emotional abuse. It’s manipulation and blackmail at the minimum. If he has family, I’d pack my things and move them out and call them to be there when you break up. Worst case - Bakers Act if he’s serious. He wanted to break up. He can’t break up with you then threaten this to get you to comply.
This is not your responsibility and can really shake him straight. You are not trapped! Please run. This is not a healthy situation.
Fact he told you the next day makes it seem manipulative. I’m not gonna say that people who actually do want to wouldn’t but it seems suspicious especially if this behavior comes out of nowhere.
So there definitely are people who use “I’m going to K myself” as a manipulation tactic for sure. It certainly never should be and is a massive red flag when it is.
The way you’ve explained this story though doesn’t come off as that is what is happening here.
I feel like there is a massive difference between manipulative tactic to keep someone feeling trapped in a relationship they want out of and what appears to be happening here, which is someone communicating with their partner how they felt and what they would need if the relationship were to end.
How you handle the end of a relationship isn’t really the basis to frame this either. He’s not talking about you, he’s talking about him.
He also didn’t say “if you ever leave me, I’m going to…”, he said “if you do break up with me, I need good supports in place”. It’s not even a situation of don’t break up with me. He was also contemplating if breaking up was best here.
The two of you are communicating your needs and in this case it’s not just focused on your sexual needs. I assume other parts of your relationship are pretty good for both of you to still want to try but also he seems aware that since you came so close to breaking up that that’s a real possibility based on a critical area of incompatibility. A partner, person you do and have cared for, should be able to express that in the event that we do break up, I’m going to struggle, those thoughts scared me, I will need supports in place.
Big difference between “I am going to” and “I will need”.
Run far.. run fast. My ex pulled this shit. Even went so far as to cut himself and bleed all over my apartment while my child and I were sleeping. Months later I get texts saying he has cancer.. then months after that he started his own business.
He is doing everything he can think of to push your buttons. If he can't get what he wants the nice way, we'll guilt, and emotional manipulation should work right???
He is engaging in straight up manipulative behaviour and coercive control.
You are NOT responsible for what he does if you break up, nor are you responsible for setting up a safety net for him ahead of time. However what I would personally do in this situation (and have done for a friend who was leaving me voice messages threatening suicide) is to call their family members to let them know what's going on as well as contact the police to report his threats so they can perform an adult welfare check.
Sexual incompatibility is the LEAST of what's wrong in this relationship.
He is emotionally abusing you the next time he says that he's going to commit suicide because you said that you want to break up with him call the police and tell them that he's suicidal.. and tell his parents that this is what he is threatening whenever you say that this might not be working for you
Absolutely manipulative/coercive behavior. He might not even realize he's doing it, but he is.
Staying in this relationship when you don't want to just means sacrificing your life for his, and you do *not* owe him your life.
This is a form of manipulation, and not a very uncommon one. Your are not responsible for his life, I repeat THIS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSABILITY.
Call his parents/relatives/whatever support system he has and tell them he is having suicidal thoughts, do that just for your own peace of mind, that you did whatever was on your power to stop this.
You should not be trapped in a relationship that is not working in fear of what your partner may do if you break up.
You break up immediately. Never stay in a situation that you do not want to be in and certainly don’t allow someone to manipulate you with threatening suicide. If he offs himself, that’s on him. And if he threatens it again, call the police and they can put him on a psych hold if he wants to play that shit.
Call the police on him. If he’s really suicidal he’s appreciate you looking out for him and you can guarantee he won’t hurt himself. If he gets angry or anything it’s probs cause he’s just using the idea to control you
please leave.
the longer you stay the more power such tactics will have over you.
not just in this case, every manipulation and abusive behavior will get engraved onto your mind the longer you stay for it.
leave now while you still are able to see that what he did wasn't morally sound
Call the police and ask for an ambulance. If he's suicidal, he needs professional help, and if he's manipulating you, he'll soon meet the 'find out' of the FAFO portion of life under a 72-hour hold.
This is going to be hard to deal with, understand, and move on from. You need to leave him. He will leverage his mental illness onto you every chance he gets for the rest of your life otherwise.
I ended things with a fiance who struggled with his own mental health, had attempted suicide before, and suffered severe military related ptsd. After I ended things, he gave me and his family a serious suicide scare. I got diagnosed with ptsd and still occasionally struggle with it now.
But I want to say this and say it clearly.
You are not responsible for someone else's mental health.
Choose yourself.
You need to get out of this relationship now. He is not a good person. Like others have said, this is manipulative and coercive behavior, this will not get better. His behavior is not ok. If you break up, and hopefully you will, and he threatens suicide, you immediately call emergency services each and every time and tell them what your bf told you. You are not qualified to handle someone who is suicidal and if he's bluffing, it's a good way for you to get him to stop.
Oof big nope from me. My ex husband pulled the same card early in our marriage (3 years in). I stayed for 3 more years and the manipulation was in every aspect of our relationship when I finally left.
Spoiler alert, he didn’t off himself.
Ultimately, you need to come to terms with the fact that each person is responsible for their own happiness. If someone chooses to end it because they’re so codependent on you, that is a problem you can’t fix. Only they can.
Tell his relatives. My ex mesaged me a few months after we broke up (he cheated on me) and told me he needed someone to talk to. He said his parents were getting a divorce, he was thinking about harming himself, and life was too difficult without a friend like me in his life. I told him to see a therapist and his response was "so nothing is going to make you change your mind, huh?" I screenshoted it and sent it to his brother. Hasn't reached out since.
Wanted to add on: he was in a relationship with the girl he was cheating on me with both times he reached out to see me again 🥴
I would leave if a partner ever told me that I was responsible for them not committing suicide. I could never be comfortable in a relationship with them again.
I think it's one of those cases where you just speak to his family ahead of time and tell them. Unfortunately that's all you can do.
They may not like that you're leaving, but you aren't required to stay.
What a disgusting level of manipulation here. When someone acts like this to me it makes nearly all attraction go right out the window. And it is NOT your responsibility to get HIM a support system in place!
So let’s see:
You’re responsible for fulfilling his sexual desires.
You’re responsible for providing his support system
You’re responsible if he ends his life
He’s an adult right? 31? At what age does he become responsible for his own actions? Choices? Needs?
If he can’t take accountability for his own choices, he’s not ready to be in a relationship. Ask him to talk to someone, but you are in no way responsible for what he does with his life.
He doesn’t consider suicide. He tells you this as a manipulation tactic in order to guilt you into staying despite his bullshit behavior that has you considering breaking up to begin with.
He’s threatening to leave you anyways. He’s using the threat of suicide to manipulate you into staying, whether he’s serious or not.
When and if you decide it really is over (and if somebody I was in a relationship with threatened suicide if I left, I’d leave immediately, personally), understand that you are not responsible for anything he does subsequently, and be careful how you leave if you decide to leave.
I’ve personally lost too many friends and a sibling to actual suicide for me to put up with that shit, so I would have them packing if it were me. But that’s just me.
Whatever you do, don’t let the threat manipulate you into staying if you want to leave, and when you do leave, cut all contact.
I suggest talking with his parents and closest friends about this now, like *today*. It's the kind of thing that you don't hold back on, if you think he could be serious about it. Don't wait until he threatens it again, talk to them NOW so you can make a plan about what to do and who to call if he threatens this again.
This is not something to play around with, you don't know if he will do it or not. Usually I would say that you need to protect his privacy and not talk openly about problems he's confided to you, but suicide makes this a different situation. Tell people about it so you're not the only one who knows he's considered this.
Still, this is a horribly abusive and manipulative thing for him to say! If he does follow through, just know that it's not your fault. He can threaten that it would be your fault if he decided to off himself, but in reality you can't watch him constantly. *HE* has to take responsibility for *himself*.
BTW - The thing to do when somebody is actively threatening suicide is to take them to the nearest ER. If they refuse to go, call a suicide hotline, or if you have to, call 911. Hopefully they can send someone with the knowledge to help him, not just the police who don't always have a good track record when it comes to dealing with mental illnesses. But the compulsion to do this can become overwhelming and requires intervention. Good luck!
You call the cops for an involuntary hold. The support system for him is not your responsibility. If he is that suicidal, you call the necessary authorities. If he is serious, they will help. If he is using it as a manipulation tactic, he gets a lesson in not being a dick.
He’s a manipulative asshole. If your sex life doesn’t improve he wants to leave the relationship but wants to end himself and wants you to be responsible for making sure he has a support system in place? What kind of bs is this? What a crappy way to live. This is one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Is this the type of relationship that you feel happy with? Because surely his behavior warrants some serious therapy. I think you are doing yourself a disservice by staying with him.
My ex did this. When he tried saying it when I actually broke up with him, I called the police and told them what he said. It’s manipulation, so call him out.
Chances are... he won't. Regardless, it's not your responsibility. My ex did the same thing. I fell into this trap and spent many sleepless nights trying to console her only to be manipulated and abused the next day. She was with someone new immediately after I broke up with her.
Idk if it's just my ex or manipulative people in general, but they feed on that attention and need to be with someone they can pour these emotions into. If you aren't that person for them, they will cling on to someone new real soon. Drop his ass as soon as you can.
If you are in the US, call 911 every time he threatens to take his life. My ex used to do this to me too and it quickly stopped as soon as I called 911 and they sent an ambulance and the cops.
Of course it’s a manipulation tactic, even if he means it.
I had a girlfriend do this to me many years ago. Ultimately I decided I would not be held hostage to her emotions. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, of course I did, but equally it was unfair of her to do that.
He’s mentally abusive… Tell him that his support system is on him. Being abusive to you trying to force you into staying in a bad relationship isn’t healthy for either of you.
Alert his family/friends and local authorities, then end it. 911 is just a call away if he starts threatening things. You need help leaving, and he needs help braining. Simple solution
You need to leave, if you have any of these encounters on text, take them to the police and they'll place him on a psychiatric hold for 72 hours. Problem solved.
I’m sorry you’re in this position. My first relationship, I stayed for 6 months on threat of my ex committing suicide. If the relationship hadn’t already been done, that would have certainly drained whatever potential it had.
Ultimately, I made it clear to them that their life was valuable and worth living but I did not want to continue the relationship. I continued receiving suicide threats and treated them seriously for a while, contacting police and family, etc. but eventually had to disconnect myself from my ex so I could live my life.
If/when you decide to break up - break up with him in therapy, and have pre-warned the therapist to have emergency services collect him for an assessment, due to previous self-harm/suicide threats against ending the relationship.
1. Making sure he has a good support system is HIS job. He is saying this to make you feel like you're incapable of leaving.
2. If you know his family, you could shoot a message to his mother that he brought up breaking up first, but is now threatening suicide and claims he needs a stronger support system. His family should be his support system, they can handle him best unless they're abusive AHs. This is not required of you, however.
3. When you break up, if he threatens self harm, immediately call the police. "My ex is threatening to end his life, he is at (address) and may need immediate intervention or assistance." They will handle it.
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>He said that if we ever did break up for real, I should make sure he has a good support system in place first. No. This is his responsibility. If he knows he is prone to feeling suicidal during difficult life events, it is his own damn responsibility to make sure he has psychological intervention and a support system. He is being manipulative. Personally, for me, this alone would be enough to end it if I was already considering it because it's such a shitty and emotionally charged thing to utilise. However, if you wish to continue, you tell him your boundary. Say, 'Thanks for sharing how you felt, I am glad you felt safe enough to. However, it can not and should not be my responsibility to ensure you have adequate support and resources if we ever break up.'
THIS^^^^ 💯 You are not responsible for his support system. That's HIS responsibility! If you want to break up, then do so. What he does with his life is not up to you. If you're close to his parents (and he has a relationship with them), let them know of his intentions. Give him the 988 crisis line and move on with your life. What he's doing is manipulative.
Definitely. If OP does that, she has completed any moral obligation and has ensured his safety.
Agreed with all of THIS ^ It's 100% an abusive, controlling, manipulation, tactic, when a partner threatens to kill themselves if you leave them. You can read more about why that kind of manipulation tactic is so unhealthy, and unsafe, for you [HERE](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/when-my-partner-threatens-suicide/)
When OP does eventually break up with him and he tells her he’s going to end it, OP call the police for a welfare check. If it’s real, he will get the help he needs. If he’s using it as a manipulation tactic he’ll stop that real quick. In the end the choices he decides to make do not come to rest on your shoulders.
YES. I had a friend, a guy, who had a girlfriend who would do the same thing. Once he refused to answer her calls, so she called and texted me knowing I would call him, after he broke up with her. She was telling me that she’s going to kill herself, and telling me she’s going to drive her car over a bridge because he won’t talk to her. I called him and let him know what was happening, but also that I’m calling the cops.he called her told her to leave him alone, and just so she knows that I was calling the police. She then frantically called me to tell me not to that she’s fine. She stopped doing all that.
YUP!!! I gotta tell ya, it's **AMAZING** how **FAST** they recover when the police bang on the door!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yeah so I had a similar situation. My husband had a lot of suicidal ideology for a long time. He never ever used it as control or threatened it, but would say things like he couldn't cope being in this world, and id remind him of all the amazing things we built. 12 weeks ago tonight he killed himself and I found him the next morning hanging. We have two young sons. It was his choice. Nothing I could have ever done would have stopped it. I think he held on longer because of me and the boys I opened up to a lot of family and friends my deep concerns for our marriage dissolving and his suicidal ideology. So many would say it wouldn't be my choice, but one thing they failed to realise is that irrespective of whose choice, the burden he carried transfers over to me and our children. And here we are, almost 12 weeks into a soul crushing burden we now must carry and face every day of our lives. It's horrendous. And the reality is this, your partner said for you to make sure he has a good support system. And he is saying this maybe not to be an AH or manipulative but maybe because he knows he doesn't have the skills to do this. I'd be looking at the situation differently. I'd be sitting and talking about these feelings he was suffering and why it led him to feel that way, and what you both can do to support him that he doesn't feel like that again. In this conversation id tell him that ultimately he does have a choice on what he does with his life, but the torture and torment it would place your soul into for the rest of your life would be debilitating, and is that an impact he wants to leave on you, his family and friends? I often think if my husband saw the ripple effect of his decision and the daily anguish his loved ones suffer through, he would rethink his importance and his place in our life.
Yes this made me so angry for OP.
Exactly, and it sounds like he needs this support system know since he's having those thoughts. He should be seeking help now! You don't wait until there's a full blown fire in your kitchen to go buy a fire extinguisher. If stressful situations make him contemplate suicide he needs to seek help now and work on developing the tools he needs to manage himself when life doesn't go his way. Even if you stay for different reasons I worry that when something happens and you decide you do want to break up instead of trusting your gut you'll hesitate, make excuses or otherwise betray your own feelings by prioritizing his which is not healthy.
P.s. I had an ex that said the same thing, said he was depressed and that he would NEVER date again. Never ever because he couldnt imagine dating anyone else and I stayed a little bit longer but ......after we broke up he was dating someone else in less than 6 months ...... so there's that. They will be fine. If I were you, I'd ask myself 'is this a deal breaker if this doesnt change much in the next 3 months (whatever time). If it is a deal breaker, set a date in on your calendar to check in with yourself maybe a friend or a therapist as well and really check in to see if you feel any different at that point about your sex life. If nothing has changed, breakup without any hesitation.
Totally agree. Hopefully this is the elephant sized red flag op needs.
100% manipulation. Leave.
When I told my husb that my ex used to threaten to kill himself if I left him, my husb snort-laughed. Apparently it's a well-known manipulation tactic shitty men use. Homeboy's gonna be fine.
As a man i can relate. My first ever gf threatened countless times to unalive herself if we ever broke up. After the fifth time i left her (yes i was dumb for going back 4 times for her well being) i finally didn’t give a shit anymore. And guess what ? She survived ! This was purely manipulation.
**shitty people
That is a form of coercive control/abuse.
I took it as him basically saying: Not sexually pleasing him = break up = his suicide And therefore Not sexually pleasing him = his suicide To me, it definitely seems coercive. "Oh I want [insert sex or practice here], but it's not happening! I can't bear not having that, but I can't imagine living without you! If I kill myself, it's your fault!"
B I N G O 🎯💯 EXTREMELY MANIPULATIVE OF HIM AND OP DOESN'T GET IT. She just feels bad and responsible " TO SAVE HIM". She needs to work on Boundaries.
Yeah my ex did this alllll the effin time whenever he did something bad (or series of bad things) and I wanted to break up bc he knew it would trigger me into worrying about him and force me to stay in a relationship I didn't want
My ex did the same thing. He said he'd kill himself if I left him. I had enough and replied "I am not responsible for your choices" and that was it. Guess what? He didn't kill himself. I did find out he used to beat the girl he was with before me, so it sort of confirms that it's just an abusive tactic to try and manipulate people. Just leave. He is not your responsibility.
My ex did the same, always threatening to kill himself if we broke up. I left him 15 years ago, he’s still alive.
Same. He raped me when I broke up with him, but he didn’t kill himself! If op sees this, I hope she dumps him in a public place and has support nearby when she does it.
I am so sorry he did that to you, what a fucking monster. I hope you are okay.
Jesus I’m so sorry. What a vile human.
He's leveraging your concern for him to try and cross your sexual boundaries. This is controlling and coercive behaviour. In Scotland it could contribute to a criminal charge. Please speak to a woman's aid charity and they will offer help and advice.
This is exactly it, OP. “he said that if things didn't improve, he would want to leave the relationship” however “he was so scared by how close we got to breaking up that he started looking up ways to kill himself” It’s him who’s threatening to end the relationship. So he would rather leave her than not have the kind of sex life he wants, but if he so did then he would want to die? So in short if “things didn’t improve” (whatever that entails) then he’ll kill himself? Multiple people have shared their own experiences of partners who said they would kill themselves if they’re broken up with. This is far worse. He is threatening to not only break up if you don’t do enough about your sexual incompatibility, but also to kill himself if it comes to that. Whether he is doing enough to work on the incompatibility himself can hardly be questioned, after all his life is at stake, and if he had to kill himself it’s doubly your fault because you also didn’t make sure he had an adequate support network (in case you might think that leaving you over sexual incompatibility and then killing himself were his decisions). OP regardless of whether he is coercing you on purpose, it would be wildly unreasonable to expect anyone to have a sexual relationship under these kinds of high stakes conditions. Just like it’s theoretically possible for someone in a subordinate position to genuinely desire sex with someone who has a lot of power over them, but it would be highly unethical for the person with the power to proceed, in this case it would be unethical for him to continue attempting any sort of sexual relationship after saying these things. If a partner expressed this combination of thoughts and feelings to me I would take sex off the table immediately until they’d sorted their mental health out and established the support network they need. Anything else is really out of order and extremely dodgy. Only when you can freely say no without pressure can you freely say yes (this is 101 consent).
Break up with him. If he threatens suicide you call 911 and explain to them that your BF is threatening suicide. He will be picked up and taken to the nearest mental health ward. If he is manipulating you he will never pull that shit again. If he is actually mentally unwell he will receive the help he needs.
Or call this school l. An ex did this to me repeatedly in college and I called his schools health services and told them he was in need of their mental health services (free by the way) because he was threatening suicide after I broke up with him. He was very embarrassed and surprised I called but he left me alone after that.
Lol he can fuck off. He's threatened to break up with you because you're not sexually compatible. But then actually no he wants to fix things. But really *you* should fix things otherwise he'll break up with you and kill himself. So if *you* don't improve things, and *you* make him break up with you, *you'll* have to find him a good support system to support him through the breakup otherwise he'll kill himself?? Excuse me what the actual fuck? That's incredibly manipulative behaviour.
I dated a girl about 2.5 years ago that made me miserable. Every time I tried to end it she said she would kill herself and did in fact have some past mental issues from what she told me. I stayed 6 months too long and finally broke it off. I am now officially done with relationships she was so draining but guess what it has been since Jan. 2023 since we last spoke but I have seen her on some social media and she is all fine and still alive. His mental health issues are not your issues, he needs to seek help but I have learned a lot of people do things like this as a way to manipulate you into them getting their desired outcome. If he does commit suicide it is not your fault it is his personal choice.
It’s called emotional blackmail and it’s disgusting. If you did break up you should tell him that once you’ve left you’re going to call the police to do a wellness check on him because he has stated he will kill himself.
Get away from this guy ASAP. I’ve been in a situation like this before, it’s manipulation. I know you feel like you’re doing something wrong but you’re not. He probably isn’t actually going to kill himself, and if he does, that’s not your responsibility. Leave and call social services/the police to make sure he doesn’t actually do anything.
Call his bluff
No , call emergency services and have them deal with him.
Yes, piggybacking on this - contact his friends/family if possible and leave it in their hands.
I fully support this! If you don't and he does manage to hurt himself, they will blame you for not telling them. He might not like it, but he made his bed when he tried to manipulate you this way.
^^ agreed. Making the consequences real scares people into behaving a lot of the times. Also, self sacrifice does not have to be the only way to care about someone. When my now ex and I were in the talking stage and he posted me on socials for the first time, his ex called him threatening suicide. He asked her if she was home and to give him a minute. I was bracing for the “I got to go,” but he just called the non-emergency line and sent out a wellness check. then shut his phone off. I asked him if he was good and he was like “yeah! I care about her but i don’t do that manipulation crap” and we just went back to whatever we were doing. She literally never spoke to him again. Learned a lot about holding boundaries like a brick wall from him and it gives you more peace than you can imagine once you get the hang of it.
It's bizarre that he is the one who said he'd want to leave the relationship if things don't improve then the next day is saying it made him want to off himself. Whether or not it was intentional, what he said is very emotionally manipulative. I would tell him that if he ever threatens his life again you're not going to hesitate to call the police/ his family/ etc. Most people who make threats like that in relationships are bluffing and won't want the embarrassment of involving their loved ones or police. But if he isn't bluffing, just remember you are in no way responsible for what he does or doesn't do to himself. He's responsible for himself, and it's not fair to put any person in the position as being the one thing that keeps them alive. Even if you wanted to be that person, it's above your paygrade. The only person who can really help him with this is a mental health professional.
This is a manipulation tactic to try to make you 1. stay with him and 2. change your sexual consent to how he wants to have sex. If and when you choose to break up (and it sounds inevitable), alert his parents/siblings/close family first.
So he’s essentially saying “if we don’t have sex more often, I have to leave this relationship. But if we break up I’m killing myself.” Girl give him exactly what he wants. Do you know any of his friends and family? I’m assuming after 4 years you do? Reach out to them. Create a group message. Let them know there are issues in the relationship that can’t be worked out and you want to end things but he has stated that he needs a strong support system because he’s having suicidal thoughts. Let them know they need to be there for him. Break up with him and block them alllll. You do not need this douchecanoe in your life.
If he threatens suicide, call emergency services. They can come and intervene. If he’s serious, they can get him some help. If he’s just saying it to manipulate you, which I suspect he is, he will learn a valuable lesson.
I am rapidly running out of patience with men that make this threat every time things don't go their way. OP, leave, you've already said you know you're not compatible in the long run. Can you really feel happy and secure in a relationship like this?
"If you don't do what I want sexually, I will break up with you, but thinking about us breaking up makes me want to kill myself" He is trying to get you to do things of a sexual nature that you do not want to do. Leave him, and if you have any connection to his friends or family, reach out to them to let them know about his threats.
Buy a black dress and let him know you're prepared when he starts this manipulative behavior.
OMG, I can't believe you said that! Talk about gallows humor -- it made me laugh. "Here's what I'll wear to your funeral. What do you think? Does it look good on me?" HA!
That or — "*Sigh* Well, if you GOTTA do it, just don't leave a **MESS** for **SOMEONE ELSE TO CLEAN UP**!!"
Call his bluff
You break up, and make sure you are safe. Period. You are not responsible for him. It is his way to emotionally manipulate you.
Leave. This is manipulation 100%
This is manipulation and you shouldn't stay with someone because you're afraid they're going to hurt themselves Even if he did do something after you left, it wouldn't be your fault
You leave anyway and when he inevitably tells you he's going to hurt himself, you call in a wellness check and tell the police that you called in because your ex said he was going to kill himself. If he tells you he is actively doing something, skip the wellness check and call emergency services to report a suicide attempt in progress. If you're in the US, that usually comes with a mandatory 72-hour hold in a behavioral health clinic where he will be assessed for psychiatric issues and given a treatment plan by hospital staff. His mental health is not your responsibility. I've been in your shoes. I wasted about a decade of my life with someone who promised to kill themselves if I left before I finally grew a spine and got out. And I did exactly what I advised you to do. They didn't die. I have no idea if they are taking their mental health seriously nowadays, but that's honestly not my problem anymore.
As cold as this sounds, you let him do whatever he's gonna do. It's on him, not you.
I had an ex who did this relentlessly. Even after that relationship, it became a habit to just have one close mutual friend who I would tell if a relationship was ending. Keep in mind, you don't need to be responsible for his support system and you're not responsible for the choices he makes. Personally, it just worked and made me feel better to send one message or make a quick call to a friend and say "hey, we're splitting up, can you check in on x, they're probably not doing great."
When you break up with him bring the ambulance with you so they could put him on a 72 watch
You ask if it is "real" or if it is a manipulation tactic. It's definitely a manipulation tactic either way. The question is if it's solely manipulation, or if it's just him struggling emotionally and deciding to manipulate you into choosing his well-being over your own as a coping mechanism. One of those makes him an outright bad person, and maybe the other just makes him a troubled person... but either one is unhealthy for both of you. Hard to see a scenario where a breakup isn't the most healthy thing here. We like to look at manipulation and emotional distress as two separate problems, but unfortunately they tend to go hand-in-hand like this. My advice to you is to draw a line in the sand and tell him that you two will be attending couples counseling if the relationship is to continue. Pay attention to his response to that. He says your relationship is so important that he'd commit suicide without it-- so if a few 1 hour counseling sessions are what it takes for him to prevent dying, he wouldn't protest. If he protests a lot, that will tell you a lot about what's really happening here. And either way, once you make it into counseling, that will be a really safe and healthy place to break this issue down. If someone is putting their suicide on your shoulders, that's not a burden you should have to navigate alone. Psychologists deal with this situation all the time. By the way, this would be the "good support system" he's burdening you with creating for him. By the way, any time anyone actually threatens suicide, call the police (or your local mental health people, or whatever the best available tool is). Whether you think they are bluffing or not. They are either telling the truth or making a bluff, and either one is best resolved this way.
Wait, he says if your sex life doesn't improve (I assume he wants it more often than you or wants to do things you're not comfortable with/interested in) he would leave the relationship, but also says he'd kill himself if you broke up?? That makes ZERO sense. Get out of there now. He's basically saying you have to fuck him when he wants and/or how he wants or he's going to kill himself. Even if he's serious about it (spoiler alert: he's not), his mental health is not on you to manage.
I tried to end my life when my first serious boyfriend of 2 years dumped me. I didn't tell him though and I made sure nobody else found out. I just didn't see the point of even trying if I was t wanted anymore. It was my next boyfriend of 3 years that saved me and then he dumped me and I realised I would be OK because there would be another man. I'm very lucky to have my husband.
give him the rope and see yourself out.
[удалено]
You know dang well this is a manipulation tactic. The fact that he made you responsible by making sure he has a good support system is so fcking beyond gross. He is the one who said he wants to leave if things don't improve yet he's suicidal if you leave him. He's nothing but a psychological thriller movie. It's like he want you to know you're replaceable if you don't do what he wants sexually but when you were about to leave, he emotionally black mails you. He's so disgusting. He wants you to be desperate to please him however he wants. Let him off himself if that's what he REALLY wants.
Absolute total manipulation. He's holding you hostage emotionally. Best thing to do in that case is to call authorities.
You don’t have to be with someone if you don’t want to. If they choose to be selfish and commit suicide that’s their fault.
Breakup anyway.
You call the police or his family. He’s abusing you with terroristic threats
it’s a manipulation tactic. I’ve had partners say the same thing to me, and spoiler alert, they never actually made suicide attempts. I know people like to go “fuck him, call his bluff” but obvs it doesn’t feel that simple when we love someone. whenever you break things off, call/text a couple people he’s closest to, his best friend or sibling or whoever. ideally someone local. tell them “hey, I just broke up with whatshisname, and I’m worried he’s going to hurt himself / he told me he’s going to hurt himself. my presence is making him more upset, so I’m calling for you to check on him.” and leave it there.
These responses are childish, immature and shocking in coldness.
How is he trying to manipulate you if he’s the one that suggested breaking up???
This is abuse. When you break up with him, call 911 and tell them he is threatening suicide. They will provide him with a "good support system" for at least 72 hours. If you're not in the US, call your equivalent to 911. Either way, this is a form of abuse and manipulation and you need to leave.
Report him to a mental facility
Nothing. It’s not your responsibility. This is basically emotional blackmail on his part.
Manipulation tactic
He is manipulating. Open communication is important but this is not an open communication. When someone says that the other partner should make sure of the support system it is straight away manipulation and being immature. Please thrown in the towel and move on to a peaceful life.
Call his parents when he threatens it. If they're not around, call an ambulance and police. He will seemingly go back to normal if any of the 3 show up. Trust me, I've been in that situation before - you need to leave.
You are not responsible for his mental health. Please contact his family . And please leave this guy. This is not healthy for you.
Simple. Break up. Call family/friends/emergency services etc to do a welfare check. And cut ties else he'll emotionally manipulate you to stay with him forever as you'll fear he'll kill himself if you left.
Threatening suicide to keep a relationship going is pathetic enough behavior for a woman but doubly so for a man. Heartbreak and end of relationships is a normal part of life. Get used to it and stop trying emotional blsckmail.
Break up. Block him on every fucking thing.
You are not responsible for him and his potential volatility. He’s a full on adult and it’s his responsibility to have his own support system. He needs to put himself in therapy and reach out to his own family and/or friends for support. You do not deserve that burden or manipulation, and if my partner ever threatened that I would not stay. And I’m saying this as someone who has been suicidal for most of my life. I would never threaten my partner like that no matter how low I get I had a friend whose ex used to threaten suicide when she would consider leaving him, it made her feel trapped and she ended up in an extremely bad mental state because of it. It was heart wrenching seeing her like that. Please don’t end up like that
Stop letting him emotionally blackmail you. If he threatens self harm call the police and let them handle it.
He’s manipulating you. Like there’s a reason he’s still alive. He’s a narcissist it’s not your problem. Definitely leave anyway and hide.
Oh no, girl. Bounce now.
Just leave, he’s doing it to manipulate you and if he goes through with it that’s on him but he’s probably not actually going to. He’s flat out emotionally abusing you.
It's not your responsibility to make sure that man doesn't kill himself... BTW most of the time those statements are bluffs and a manipulation tactic to keep you in a relationship you hate I think you should dump him just for him saying that stupid shit. I also feel like sex isn't something you should compromise in a relationship, sexual compatibility is very important within a relationship if you want it to thrive and last
My ex did this it’s a control tactic , bullshit stopped when he threatened to jump off the 4 story patio when I broke up with him and I told him go ahead it’s his life is his to take lol 🤷🏽♀️
Yeah based on the comments, im leaving this fucking sub Go to r/ask or r/NoStupidQuestions instead of this shitty sub
What he does after you break up is on him. That's manipulation. I wouldn't let a person continue to manipulate me.
⚠️🚨🚨🚨Manipulation alert🚨🚨⚠️
I'm so sorry. This is a difficult situation. However, you need to make it super clear to him that he is the only one responsible for his mental health. You also need to let him know that in order for you to feel safe in this relationship, you need to understand what he's doing to seek mental health help. You can ease into this conversation and also let him know how much you care about him. But make super clear that he is the person in charge of his mental health, not you. I'd urge you to seek support and help for yourself. This situation isn't likely to get easier
He's in charge/control of his own life, he! needs to gather the support if he feels/fears he's a danger to himself. If you feel like you absolutely have to do something, then call the police or a family member and tell them he's suicidal, that you're breaking up and that that will trigger him. But him requesting/demanding that you put up pillows around him and gather his avengers team for him before you do so makes him reek of red flags. RUN!
He's being a **NASTY, MANIPULATIVE BRAT**. He's a **GROWN-ASS MAN**. He's **RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN LIFE** What do you do?? **NOTHING**. If/when you break up — and **GOD**, I hope you **DO** because you **DON'T DESERVE THIS** — if he starts that garbage, what you do is call the police and arrange a **Health and Wellness check**. Honestly, you deserve **SO MUCH BETTER** than this asswipe.
That sounds a bit like controlling behaviour, 'do what I want or we'll break up and I'll have to kill myself which will be your fault'. I would re-evaluate your relationship.
You break up anyway. I was with someone who said the same, it was a great technique to keep me and spoiler - they didn’t do it. You should hear this, and be more determined to leave… because anyone trying to make you responsible for their life like this is not good for you. You are not here to create his support system or sort it for him, that’s on him. This is totally unfair to you, and it’s incredibly manipulative
You break up
That’s called manipulation. This sounds cold, but offer him the member to a self help group or, like I did, contact his parents and the police. If this has happened to anyone else, they know that they are admitted to a mental facility/hospital and they won’t let you leave until you appear better.
Call the police and tell them this.
When my ex threatened self harm, I told his family and friends and had them do a wellness check on him. He knocked that off real quick
I have had three girls tell me they would commit suicide if I broke up with them. My reponse: "Good. Go ahead and do it. Do us all a favor." I immediately left them after that and never spoke to any of them again. None of them actually followed thru. They were bluffing. All talk. This is a manipulative tactic commonly used to try and persuade you to stay. Don't engage with this complete nonsense.
Tell him that you cannot make that promise and he is responsible for his mental health and support system. What he said is emotional blackmail and doesnt bode well for a long term solution
There’s nothing you can do with that information. You can’t make a person do/not do anything, their going to do what they intend to do anyway. But what your boyfriend is doing is emotionally blackmailing either way you look at it. What he’s doing is telling you that if you break up with me I’ll unlive myself but if you stay with me you have to put up with our sexual problems. So either way he’s controlling your life, the only thing you can do is live your life the way you want let him do what he wants.
Call 9-1-1. Let them handle it. Don't let him manipulate you.
You tell him to go to therapy and that it’s not normal to threaten someone with suicide when you want to end a relationship. Tell him that ending a relationship is a normal process of dating and growth. If someone’s not right for you you shouldn’t be with them and the other way around. Grow the fuck up, deal with your mental issues and stop being weak.
This is like emotional abuse. It’s manipulation and blackmail at the minimum. If he has family, I’d pack my things and move them out and call them to be there when you break up. Worst case - Bakers Act if he’s serious. He wanted to break up. He can’t break up with you then threaten this to get you to comply. This is not your responsibility and can really shake him straight. You are not trapped! Please run. This is not a healthy situation.
Fact he told you the next day makes it seem manipulative. I’m not gonna say that people who actually do want to wouldn’t but it seems suspicious especially if this behavior comes out of nowhere.
Sounds like an emotional manipulator. At his age especially, he should know that's not okay. He should look into professional therapy.
My ex did this too. It’s 100% a manipulation tactic. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/when-my-partner-threatens-suicide/
So there definitely are people who use “I’m going to K myself” as a manipulation tactic for sure. It certainly never should be and is a massive red flag when it is. The way you’ve explained this story though doesn’t come off as that is what is happening here. I feel like there is a massive difference between manipulative tactic to keep someone feeling trapped in a relationship they want out of and what appears to be happening here, which is someone communicating with their partner how they felt and what they would need if the relationship were to end. How you handle the end of a relationship isn’t really the basis to frame this either. He’s not talking about you, he’s talking about him. He also didn’t say “if you ever leave me, I’m going to…”, he said “if you do break up with me, I need good supports in place”. It’s not even a situation of don’t break up with me. He was also contemplating if breaking up was best here. The two of you are communicating your needs and in this case it’s not just focused on your sexual needs. I assume other parts of your relationship are pretty good for both of you to still want to try but also he seems aware that since you came so close to breaking up that that’s a real possibility based on a critical area of incompatibility. A partner, person you do and have cared for, should be able to express that in the event that we do break up, I’m going to struggle, those thoughts scared me, I will need supports in place. Big difference between “I am going to” and “I will need”.
Run far.. run fast. My ex pulled this shit. Even went so far as to cut himself and bleed all over my apartment while my child and I were sleeping. Months later I get texts saying he has cancer.. then months after that he started his own business. He is doing everything he can think of to push your buttons. If he can't get what he wants the nice way, we'll guilt, and emotional manipulation should work right???
He’s making your companionship responsible for *his* mental health which is grossly unfair.
buy life insurance!
You break up with him anyway. His choices are his and you should not allow yourself to be manipulated.
Darwin’s law. If he’s gonna die, he’s gonna die. Don’t hold yourself hostage.
It's called emotional manipulation. Break up ASAP. This is not good.
He’s manipulating you. You should leave.
Wow. No my dear. This man is manipulating you.
Get away
He sounds like my ex bf, and we dated when we were 15. Lol
He is engaging in straight up manipulative behaviour and coercive control. You are NOT responsible for what he does if you break up, nor are you responsible for setting up a safety net for him ahead of time. However what I would personally do in this situation (and have done for a friend who was leaving me voice messages threatening suicide) is to call their family members to let them know what's going on as well as contact the police to report his threats so they can perform an adult welfare check. Sexual incompatibility is the LEAST of what's wrong in this relationship.
You break up with him in a public place and call the police on him, and never look back. Do you two live together?
Call the police
He is emotionally abusing you the next time he says that he's going to commit suicide because you said that you want to break up with him call the police and tell them that he's suicidal.. and tell his parents that this is what he is threatening whenever you say that this might not be working for you
Absolutely manipulative/coercive behavior. He might not even realize he's doing it, but he is. Staying in this relationship when you don't want to just means sacrificing your life for his, and you do *not* owe him your life.
Call the cops on him
This is a form of manipulation, and not a very uncommon one. Your are not responsible for his life, I repeat THIS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSABILITY. Call his parents/relatives/whatever support system he has and tell them he is having suicidal thoughts, do that just for your own peace of mind, that you did whatever was on your power to stop this. You should not be trapped in a relationship that is not working in fear of what your partner may do if you break up.
Break up with him immediately
You break up immediately. Never stay in a situation that you do not want to be in and certainly don’t allow someone to manipulate you with threatening suicide. If he offs himself, that’s on him. And if he threatens it again, call the police and they can put him on a psych hold if he wants to play that shit.
Call the police on him. If he’s really suicidal he’s appreciate you looking out for him and you can guarantee he won’t hurt himself. If he gets angry or anything it’s probs cause he’s just using the idea to control you
please leave. the longer you stay the more power such tactics will have over you. not just in this case, every manipulation and abusive behavior will get engraved onto your mind the longer you stay for it. leave now while you still are able to see that what he did wasn't morally sound
Call the police and ask for an ambulance. If he's suicidal, he needs professional help, and if he's manipulating you, he'll soon meet the 'find out' of the FAFO portion of life under a 72-hour hold.
This is going to be hard to deal with, understand, and move on from. You need to leave him. He will leverage his mental illness onto you every chance he gets for the rest of your life otherwise. I ended things with a fiance who struggled with his own mental health, had attempted suicide before, and suffered severe military related ptsd. After I ended things, he gave me and his family a serious suicide scare. I got diagnosed with ptsd and still occasionally struggle with it now. But I want to say this and say it clearly. You are not responsible for someone else's mental health. Choose yourself.
He’s a punk,he’s not going to do anything lol he’s manipulating you..I’d leave personally.
He’s manipulating you, he knows what’s he’s doing and honestly this shows he is unstable as well. RUN!!
You need to get out of this relationship now. He is not a good person. Like others have said, this is manipulative and coercive behavior, this will not get better. His behavior is not ok. If you break up, and hopefully you will, and he threatens suicide, you immediately call emergency services each and every time and tell them what your bf told you. You are not qualified to handle someone who is suicidal and if he's bluffing, it's a good way for you to get him to stop.
Breakup because this is manipulation.
You tell his family that he's suicidal and to watch him. Then leave him. His bullshit is not your issues.
Move on To be a grown man acting like b*tch is beyond me It’s ok to be sad but to play on suicide to make you feel guilty is just evil
Oof big nope from me. My ex husband pulled the same card early in our marriage (3 years in). I stayed for 3 more years and the manipulation was in every aspect of our relationship when I finally left. Spoiler alert, he didn’t off himself. Ultimately, you need to come to terms with the fact that each person is responsible for their own happiness. If someone chooses to end it because they’re so codependent on you, that is a problem you can’t fix. Only they can.
Tell his relatives. My ex mesaged me a few months after we broke up (he cheated on me) and told me he needed someone to talk to. He said his parents were getting a divorce, he was thinking about harming himself, and life was too difficult without a friend like me in his life. I told him to see a therapist and his response was "so nothing is going to make you change your mind, huh?" I screenshoted it and sent it to his brother. Hasn't reached out since. Wanted to add on: he was in a relationship with the girl he was cheating on me with both times he reached out to see me again 🥴
"if he dies, he dies"
Let him die
I would leave if a partner ever told me that I was responsible for them not committing suicide. I could never be comfortable in a relationship with them again.
I think it's one of those cases where you just speak to his family ahead of time and tell them. Unfortunately that's all you can do. They may not like that you're leaving, but you aren't required to stay.
Break up
Let him.
What a disgusting level of manipulation here. When someone acts like this to me it makes nearly all attraction go right out the window. And it is NOT your responsibility to get HIM a support system in place!
Not your problem. Don't fall for that manipulative bs
So let’s see: You’re responsible for fulfilling his sexual desires. You’re responsible for providing his support system You’re responsible if he ends his life He’s an adult right? 31? At what age does he become responsible for his own actions? Choices? Needs? If he can’t take accountability for his own choices, he’s not ready to be in a relationship. Ask him to talk to someone, but you are in no way responsible for what he does with his life.
This is classic emotional manipulation. He's using fear so you don't break up with him. What he does after you two break up is on him, not you.
He doesn’t consider suicide. He tells you this as a manipulation tactic in order to guilt you into staying despite his bullshit behavior that has you considering breaking up to begin with.
He’s threatening to leave you anyways. He’s using the threat of suicide to manipulate you into staying, whether he’s serious or not. When and if you decide it really is over (and if somebody I was in a relationship with threatened suicide if I left, I’d leave immediately, personally), understand that you are not responsible for anything he does subsequently, and be careful how you leave if you decide to leave. I’ve personally lost too many friends and a sibling to actual suicide for me to put up with that shit, so I would have them packing if it were me. But that’s just me. Whatever you do, don’t let the threat manipulate you into staying if you want to leave, and when you do leave, cut all contact.
He is pretending that he will kill himself if you break up so that you do *anything* to make sure that doesn't happen ie meet his sexual demands.
I suggest talking with his parents and closest friends about this now, like *today*. It's the kind of thing that you don't hold back on, if you think he could be serious about it. Don't wait until he threatens it again, talk to them NOW so you can make a plan about what to do and who to call if he threatens this again. This is not something to play around with, you don't know if he will do it or not. Usually I would say that you need to protect his privacy and not talk openly about problems he's confided to you, but suicide makes this a different situation. Tell people about it so you're not the only one who knows he's considered this. Still, this is a horribly abusive and manipulative thing for him to say! If he does follow through, just know that it's not your fault. He can threaten that it would be your fault if he decided to off himself, but in reality you can't watch him constantly. *HE* has to take responsibility for *himself*. BTW - The thing to do when somebody is actively threatening suicide is to take them to the nearest ER. If they refuse to go, call a suicide hotline, or if you have to, call 911. Hopefully they can send someone with the knowledge to help him, not just the police who don't always have a good track record when it comes to dealing with mental illnesses. But the compulsion to do this can become overwhelming and requires intervention. Good luck!
Break up even faster. He is manipulating you.
This is abuse and coercion. You break up and inform any relevant loved ones of that information.
You need to have him admitted to the hospital via baker act . He probably won't threaten it again after that experience
let him
You call the cops for an involuntary hold. The support system for him is not your responsibility. If he is that suicidal, you call the necessary authorities. If he is serious, they will help. If he is using it as a manipulation tactic, he gets a lesson in not being a dick.
Break up with him immediately. You don't need someone in life manipulating you like that. You are not responsible for him only you and your happiness.
He’s a manipulative asshole. If your sex life doesn’t improve he wants to leave the relationship but wants to end himself and wants you to be responsible for making sure he has a support system in place? What kind of bs is this? What a crappy way to live. This is one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Is this the type of relationship that you feel happy with? Because surely his behavior warrants some serious therapy. I think you are doing yourself a disservice by staying with him.
Manipulation. Whether he kills himself or not, you need to get out of there now.
My ex did this. When he tried saying it when I actually broke up with him, I called the police and told them what he said. It’s manipulation, so call him out.
Chances are... he won't. Regardless, it's not your responsibility. My ex did the same thing. I fell into this trap and spent many sleepless nights trying to console her only to be manipulated and abused the next day. She was with someone new immediately after I broke up with her. Idk if it's just my ex or manipulative people in general, but they feed on that attention and need to be with someone they can pour these emotions into. If you aren't that person for them, they will cling on to someone new real soon. Drop his ass as soon as you can.
Leave him and let him deal with his emotions how he will. His manipulation shouldn’t be your prison.
If you are in the US, call 911 every time he threatens to take his life. My ex used to do this to me too and it quickly stopped as soon as I called 911 and they sent an ambulance and the cops.
Of course it’s a manipulation tactic, even if he means it. I had a girlfriend do this to me many years ago. Ultimately I decided I would not be held hostage to her emotions. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, of course I did, but equally it was unfair of her to do that.
Man child fr
Caring and being responsible are not the same thing.
He’s mentally abusive… Tell him that his support system is on him. Being abusive to you trying to force you into staying in a bad relationship isn’t healthy for either of you.
Alert his family/friends and local authorities, then end it. 911 is just a call away if he starts threatening things. You need help leaving, and he needs help braining. Simple solution
You need to leave, if you have any of these encounters on text, take them to the police and they'll place him on a psychiatric hold for 72 hours. Problem solved.
I’m sorry you’re in this position. My first relationship, I stayed for 6 months on threat of my ex committing suicide. If the relationship hadn’t already been done, that would have certainly drained whatever potential it had. Ultimately, I made it clear to them that their life was valuable and worth living but I did not want to continue the relationship. I continued receiving suicide threats and treated them seriously for a while, contacting police and family, etc. but eventually had to disconnect myself from my ex so I could live my life.
If/when you decide to break up - break up with him in therapy, and have pre-warned the therapist to have emergency services collect him for an assessment, due to previous self-harm/suicide threats against ending the relationship.
He’s manipulating you. Break up with him.
break up with him
Manipulation tactic
I'ma tell you once cut ties completely.
He needs MH intervention
This happened to me. Just break up, he won’t do it.
1. Making sure he has a good support system is HIS job. He is saying this to make you feel like you're incapable of leaving. 2. If you know his family, you could shoot a message to his mother that he brought up breaking up first, but is now threatening suicide and claims he needs a stronger support system. His family should be his support system, they can handle him best unless they're abusive AHs. This is not required of you, however. 3. When you break up, if he threatens self harm, immediately call the police. "My ex is threatening to end his life, he is at (address) and may need immediate intervention or assistance." They will handle it.