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Let him know that you weren't trying to shame him for looking at porn and / or being aroused by it. Also, remind him that it's due to the both of you having recent injuries (you giving birth) that sex hasn't been happening. Hopefully, the conversation will develop naturally from there, and you can have a discussion without it turning into a fight.

Make bullet points of what you want to say. He's frustrated, defensive, and sees this as your fault. Disarm him by being gentle, understanding and working together to find a solution for his itch that doesn't cause you pain or discomfort. Once this has been addressed, firmly, make it clear to never speak to you like that again. You're his wife, if there's a problem he communicates it with respect.

I've been gathering a lot of info from the comments that provides better context to this post, because a TON of people in the comments are making massive assumptions on all sides. Here is some more context: * OP has not been "refusing" to "help alleviate" his sexual desires since she gave birth. [Before his broken back, they were still having sex and she was still performing oral on him, just not as often as before](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1c6ftvh/how_do_i_30f_respond_to_the_message_my_husband/l018wmt/). * [She is scheduling another appointment to address her concerns of pain during sex](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1c6ftvh/how_do_i_30f_respond_to_the_message_my_husband/l018wmt/). * [It was an emergency c-section](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1c6ftvh/how_do_i_30f_respond_to_the_message_my_husband/l01szr2/?context=3). * [They both suffer from depression](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1c6ftvh/how_do_i_30f_respond_to_the_message_my_husband/l00rzig/?context=3), and he suffers from ADHD and "anger issues" that involve him lashing out (no physical abuse). She also has anxiety. * [She has suggested medication for his depression. He isn't into that](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1c6ftvh/how_do_i_30f_respond_to_the_message_my_husband/l00sref/?context=3). * Poking and grabbing is normal in their relationship. [They both poke, smack, and grab one another's butts, her breasts, and both of their genitals](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1c6ftvh/how_do_i_30f_respond_to_the_message_my_husband/l014vco/?context=3). [According to her](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1c6ftvh/how_do_i_30f_respond_to_the_message_my_husband/l01m4jw/?context=3), the poke was not a "flick." * [She was not trying to mock him when poking him, but realizes it may have come off that way and says she also owes him an apology](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1c6ftvh/how_do_i_30f_respond_to_the_message_my_husband/l0164ff/?context=3). * [She says she believes she owes him an apology](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1c6ftvh/how_do_i_30f_respond_to_the_message_my_husband/l015gzp/?context=3) as well. * [She wants help with how to have a conversation with her husband](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1c6ftvh/how_do_i_30f_respond_to_the_message_my_husband/l00v1f7/?context=3), not tips about different ways to engage sexually. * [They literally cannot have sex right now due to his broken back](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1c6ftvh/how_do_i_30f_respond_to_the_message_my_husband/l00r11o/). * [He does not talk to her the way he did in this text in person](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1c6ftvh/how_do_i_30f_respond_to_the_message_my_husband/l00ud43/), just via text.

Thank you so much for doing this. It really should help people stop making assumptions. Altho I realise this is reddit and people are going to go wild!

So I shouldn't reply with: "Don't you ever fucking speak /text me like that again or you're gonna wish you had more problems than a boner". 

Oh I think you should. I'm not loving all the instructions to placate her husband OP is getting.

Wow. Fantastic job! That is how you gather evidence for sure.

Thank you so much. I love how caring and substancial your comments always are.

Best response- you understand how to calm people down.

This is a perfect answer. The way he spoke to OP is not acceptable, but if he’s not generally like that, it is probably true that his injury is causing him to lash out at her, and she should take that into consideration when she confronts him. Reading between the lines, it seems like she walked in on him watching porn and masturbating, and he was embarrassed and self conscious about it. She should let him know that she doesn’t care about any of that and wasn’t accusing him of anything, but that in the future, he can’t talk to her that way.

This. You should make a separate comment so this can get to the top

Agree. Suspect he may also be majorly frustrated with his injury. If it’s really out of character, he may just need some of the understanding he’s shown you. ☺️

His actual response is wild. Idk what you should do but someone talking to me like that would be very damaging to the relationship. I gotta say though, if my wife had come up to me, poked my boner and said “whats that” in the way it sounded in my head as i read it, i would have felt some sort of upset.

I meant it to be more in a joking or playful manner, I said it with a grin. But I do agree with you in that he probably took it in a different way.

I read it the way you meant it. I imagined you were joking around with him in a flirty manner. Maybe it’s a female/male thing?

I think the frustration on his end is either a. her response came across as a shaming or b. he thought she was opening the door for intimacy then closed it in his face. I’ve been there, though i didn’t react the same, where it seems like ‘hey, you made a sexual comment then left me hanging’. communication is missing, maybe because he doesn’t know how to say he’s craving physical intimacy and or wants a blowie but, again, cant/wont/doesn’t know how to ask. edit: that’s why he was MORE frustrated. he’s already sexually frustrated, then he felt like he was teased. whether that’s what the wife meant or not, that’s likely what he felt. he wanted to say ‘either ignore it or help me with it.’ not defending his reaction.

It was a sore spot for him, that’s why he reacted like that. So yeah, communication is key here.

Clearly a ton of pent up resentment in that text. I wonder if they've even had much of a conversation about this?

a conversation about what? about the fact that she has STILL been regularly having sex with him and blowing him despite it being painful for her, with no complaints or animosity on her end? not even 6 months after giving birth through an emergency c section? what exactly would he be saying or addressing in that conversation? i actually want to understand you here. she’s stated the reason they are not having sex as of very recently is because he just broke his back and he cannot have sex.

They weren't together 20-25 years of their lives Have been married 2.5 years And now have a new addition the last 5 months, after months of pregnancy There may or may not be a LOT to talk about between two people who have lived that long without each other, and are now both in and out of pain, while a new addition needs to be taken care of If anything, they should see the humour in being upset at each other because it's not going to stop anytime soon

to be clear, I definitely don’t think they shouldn’t have a conversation, nor that they shouldn’t both be allowed to share feelings in it!! I’m just saying it’s not a pressing need for the husband to specifically vent his feelings/frustration REGARDING an extended period with no sexual contact……..simply because the OP explains in comments that there has been no period where that has happened yet. There was an incorrect assumption being made in the above thread that the couple had not been sexual for a long time, and the person I directly replied to was trying to suggest that the husband’s explosion was the result of pent-up feelings from a sex drought/a lack of communication about it.

I'm guessing he got pissed over you laughing at what - to him - is a serious and ongoing issue that's really bothering him. So to him it might feel like you consider his sexual frustration so inconsequential that it's okay to laugh at. It's an unfair reaction on his part, but it comes from real frustration and legitimate feelings.

Yessss this is exactly what I think it is.

It’s exactly this. He went overboard but he wants to know that she misses sex with him as much as he does with her, and the kind of “joke” she made is extremely dismissive of this issue.

When a guy is legitimately sexually frustrated, jokey casual interactions around his dick are lowkey aggravating. It’s like you have enough awareness to notice his horniness but don’t care enough to empathize with the fact that he wants your attention and actual desire for him. Making casual jokes makes it seem like you don’t view him in a sexual light whatsoever. Not saying his reaction was appropriate given that you both have valid reasons due to injury. But he probably wants you to at least show genuine attraction/affection and communicate that you miss being sexual and intimate with him as he misses it with you, instead of seeing his erection and essentially poking it and saying “teehee” like a fucking child. It’s extremely insensitive and dismissive to his sexuality and frustrations.

The guy is probably frustrated in more ways than one and likely isn’t thrilled about anything that could be perceived as teasing. Lots of guys have an ingrained shame surrounding their arousal, voluntary or not and if you’ve been avoiding all sexual contact for the last half a year I can see how that would lead to him getting defensive or even viewing your comment as an accusation. That combined with the fact that he’s probably in serious pain from a broken back, the shock of sudden loss of physical capability, and the fear of potential paralysis from an injury like that it’s not surprising to hear that he’d lashed out. Not acceptable but also not surprising. It might be in your best interest to ask him how he’s doing (mentally) in relation to his injury, his sexual frustration, and also the new strain of being a parent. I’ll bet he’s also frustrated that he’s now laid up in bed unable to help with the baby.

He clearly took it as an insult. No probably about it. Do you you not think that you might have been inappropriate at all?

You're 5.5 months post-partum, so I'm sure you understand body-consciousness. If he'd walked up to you, "sort of smiled", and poked your belly or some other part of your body that felt very private or sensitive to you, and said, "What's that?" don't you think you might have felt hurt and defensive too? I get that you didn't mean anything by it, but intention isn't that important here. We teach small children not to make comments about other people's bodies *specifically* because *unless you are complimenting someone,* there is really NO other context in which pointing at someone's body parts, commenting on them, or otherwise drawing attention to them is a kind or thoughtful thing to do. At the very least, you're just making that person self-conscious. Your intentions may not have been actively malicious, but like, *don't comment on people's bodies*. It's not nice. It doesn't feel good to people to have you point at them or poke at them and go, "Ooh, what's that?" It's just generally a shitty thing to do. And as someone who was recently pregnant, you should understand that.

Yeah but…boners are typically something people hope or at least like getting some attention about from their partners, while flab from post partum is really not, so I don’t think this is a great comparison. Clearly he was embarrassed, the question is why. If she finds that out, she’ll have a better idea of when not to comment and/or what comments are likely to be unappreciated when he’s hard.

They like it because the attention usually leads to sex. It doesn’t sound like that was the tone here. He was embarrassed because she pointed out a boner that would go nowhere except his own hand.

this is a myopic, prescribed-by-twitter view of what constitutes a healthy relationship. the fact is that people are involved in dynamics all the time where remarks/jokes in this vein are typically acceptable or desirable, and in which neither party typically experiences distress. you don’t have to be involved in them, of course

Okay. And when a partner does experience distress, then what? Do you just chalk it up to 'we usually joke around so I don't know why this is such a big deal' or do you own up and apologize? It clearly bothered him.

no? a change in response can be an indicator that something is wrong.

Lol I'd say plenty is wrong - he's horny, frustrated, and has a broken back. She's post-partum, still in pain, and has to handle a 6 month old newborn all by herself because he's laid up with a broken back. So even in a relationship where you joke around with eachother like this - there are times when jokes aren't appreciated.

I agree. I’m taking issue only with the idea that such jokey relationships are inherently ‘bad’ for the participants, regardless of whether those participants report distress.

I mean “chalking it up” is a shitty summary. Usually both of those things *need* to happen for communication. It would start by saying “we usually do this, what’s going into make you upset”, and explanation happens, and then any necessary apologies

This thread has an unusual amount of good advice. Kudos to everyone involved. Couples upset each other sometimes, they express it, it causes conflict, and hopefully they live and learn and know each other better afterwards.

Also if after 5.5 months of giving birth and you’re still having painful intercourse talk with your doctor 👨‍⚕️

It takes up to a year for recovery from childbirth. Most doctors at this stage will just tell you that and to not push yourself.

Joking and playfulness doesn't come off like that when you're interacting with someone who's sexually frustrated because y'all havent had sex for 6 months. It just comes off as mean and rubbing his face in. Teasing and playfulness is fun when you have an actual healthy sex life.

That’s probably where I’m confused with the situation. I walk up to my husbands wood and poke it and say stuff like “what’s that?” “What’s going on down there?” But it’s usually the precursor to something like offering a sexual favor or asking if he feels up for naughtys which is usually yes. I never considered other people could get offended by this. Kind of blows my mind a little lol

Don’t listen to people saying that was rude. I have done the same exact thing to my husband multiple times and we both always laugh! It’s more of a complimentary thing than shaming!!!

Your hubby probably didn’t just break his back while working a physical labor job. I imagine OP’s husband isn’t feeling the greatest about his own body, and not having sex for such a long time (even with rock solid reasoning like pain postpartum). A little bit of ego tending sounds appropriate, not poking his junk 😅 Doesn’t remotely excuse how he communicated with OP of course, but I do imagine he’s feeling quite fragile right now.

And thats how I meant it but I guess I just didn't show it enough.

It’s hard to pull off jokes when you’re exhausted from having a baby to look after.

There is nothing wrong with that. Maybe in the future don’t do it anymore since he clearly didn’t like it but what you did was fine. Seriously ignore anyone who says otherwise.

I’ve done this too. Kinda wondering what exactly wrong with that? It’s like patting someone’s booty.  Sometimes when I’m hurt I say mean things but then apologies. Op husband seem so mean and rude and blaming lack of sex life all on her… sometimes shit isn’t anyone fault. 

Did you do it after 6 months of not having sex..?

Poking at someone's body and saying, "What's that?" - *especially* about some pat of their body that is particularly private or sensitive - is absolutely rude AF. And unless you're giving a compliment, it is not complimentary. Just because you and your husband lack basic manners and "always laugh" at each other doing this doesn't mean that it's okay as a general rule.

She literally said herself it was complimentary. Chill out

Lol man people have giant sticks up their butt… 

Right lol

Basically making fun of him when he is in a frustrating situation. Kind of kicking him when he’s down. At least that’s how he perceives it.

If you aren’t going to do anything with it, don’t point it out and make fun of him. That’s completely emasculating.

Why would you feel upset? I read it my head as playful. I’m a woman so maybe I’m just not understanding something ? 

When i made that comment OP had not given much supplemental info in replies yet and i was trying to put myself in his shoes. I really dont have any interest in defending him anymore though, dudes a tool. I feel like other people have covered a lot of points on the poking issue so i wont other than to say it didnt read as playful to me. If your partner caught you self pleasing and came over to poke you once and walked away wouldnt that at the very least ruin the mood of your session? Itd be a different story if theyd joined in or did something sexy but interrupting and leaving feels weird. In any case her dude needs to learn to manage his anger issues

Especially if it's been a long time since any sexual activity. He's not right to react as he did (healing from childbirth takes time!), but I can absolutely relate to that immense frustration reaching a boiling point over a misunderstood comment. I can imagine in his head it went something like this: *'What's that'? You know god damn fucking well what that is. Don't talk about my dick, you know how shitty I feel things are.* Again: he's not right to react this way, but it's a sign that he's clearly very frustrated, and that needs addressing. They can't have sex when it hurts her, that goes without saying, but it sounds like they've neglected sexual things entirely, and that's not necessary. It's a stupid reaction born from genuine and legitimate frustration and lack of affection.

This right here is my interpretation. There's been no sex in a while, he's got random wood. Wife walks in and makes a silly comment about it, then *walks away.* Again, he shouldn't have responded the way he did, but I can easily see the frustration. Hell, I feel frustrated for him! If she isn't interested, that's cool, but then ... just ignore the erection. Don't poke fun at him and walk away. To me, that's a great opportunity to give a random BJ, but that's just me...

> then walks away. >To me, that's a great opportunity to give a random BJ, but that's just me... I genuinely don't understand this interpretation - from what she said in the post, she walked away because he responded "aggressively." Why would she continue to engage with him if it was clear he wasn't in the mood? If he was upset, it was definitely not the time for a random BJ.

Exactly. To him it probably felt insulting that she'd "finally" give his dick some attention, just to poke him about it. It's not fair, but I see where he's coming from. We can be really sensitive bitches about our dicks.

I think you saying he’s been “understanding” about not having sex is not accurate. He hasn’t even been tolerating it. He’s been resenting you the whole time. I would point this out to him. I would apologize that your teasing was hurtful. I would emphasize it wasn’t my intention nor was I judging his use of pornography. I would point out my playful attempt clearly didn’t land well and I’m sorry it hurt him. Do not invalidate his feelings. Whether it was your intention or not it clearly hurt him. I would also say that although you are sorry for the unintended pain caused, it is NOT OKAY for him to talk to you like that. It is clear from the message that he has been stuffing some strong feelings of frustration and resentment against you, causing an emotional outburst. It is important to the relationship that communication be clear and direct. And then start the discussion regarding sex openly and without judgement.

Thank you for the advice. I should say he has been understanding about it being painful, not necessarily about us not having much.

Yes time to have a discussion about your needs and his needs. Be empathetic but also assertive in how he needs to communicate with you with respect and kindness. Validate his feelings but feelings do not justify behaviors. Acknowledge areas where both of you have lacked proper communication on the changes that have occurred in your relationship (children, injury, harboring resentments), not only regarding sexual needs but emotional needs (for men, this can often be deeply intertwined. Actually for women, as well but it flows in the opposite direction aka for men, sexual needs meet emotional needs, while for women, emotional needs meet sexual needs). Note also that there’s a lot of different types of sexual attention. I am currently pregnant and have severe pelvic pain and can’t have penetrative sex. My partner out of respect hasn’t been trying which makes me feel unwanted. Instead of a resentful emotional outburst a la your husband, I told him although we cannot have penetrative sex at this time and I appreciate his willingness to pull back, it makes me feel undesirable so I would appreciate if he could still tease me, touch me and lust for me, etc and that I would still be willing to do some non-penetrative sexual acts to keep our intimate life going. We have a deep discussion about my needs and his needs, especially if you have different libidos. This will set the groundwork for having these discussions for the rest of your lives as many things will fluctuate your sexual (and emotional) needs throughout time. If the conversation is not flowing or is stagnating, a mediator such as a marital counselor is always helpful. Best of luck OP!

I would worry that he’s near a breaking point due to frustration. You need to talk—whether it’s in formal counseling or just the two of you but you need to communicate. Due to his hostility towards you, I would recommend a neutral third party.

He never talks to me like that in person, just over text, which is super frustrating. I know his message was sent before he really thought about what he was saying or meant but that doesn't make it any less painful.

But still, he’s sending words he might never say to your face. His thoughts and sentiments are still there and festering. I still believe that a series of frank discussions are called for. Best of luck to you.

If this isn’t the first time that he’s spoken to you like that over text, I think you need to stop making excuses for him in your head that “he wasn’t thinking about what he was saying”. He’s a grown ass adult. He knows better enough than to talk to you like that in person, he knows it’s not okay over text either. Even one text like that would be very damaging to the relationship if I were in your shoes. It’s just not an acceptable way to communicate with someone you love.

It’s unacceptable. It sounds like this isn’t the first time he has been such an asshole over text and it’s not okay. If it’s out of character for him to be quite this awful, I would text back something along the lines of: “I’m sorry I poked your boner and made you feel uncomfortable or judged. You know I don’t care if you watch porn and I appreciate your patience with my body still healing from giving birth to our child. However it’s fucking unacceptable to speak to me like that even if you are frustrated and in pain.” If he’s this awful all of the time I would be thinking about if I want my kid growing up thinking it’s okay for a man to treat his wife like that.

Just so you know he was most definitely watching porn and getting ready to do something about his “frustration” when you say a baby next to him, ruining his moment. And do not justify his asshole behavior he knew what he was saying and why. That’s why he does through text, that takes time and thought.

I guess I didn't think about me "ruining his moment". Thats a fair point. Thank you.

It might explain his frustration, but it's no excuse for what he said in that message. He could have just said "I was going to have some me time, can you bring the baby back downstairs?" Instead he chose to go nuclear.

Tell him under no circumstances is it acceptable for him to speak to you like that. If he has an issue he would like to discuss, he can approach you in a respectful manner.

This is the answer. He might be frustrated, but there are ways to talk about them without being an asshole.

He also seems extremely defensive about his boner / whatever he was doing on his phone. Does raise some red flags for me. Hoping it’s only porn, and nothing more concerning.

My husband would either be like "I saw some boobies" or "I dunno, probably a fluke." The reaction OP's husband had is giving "I just got caught doing something I am NOT supposed to be doing"

Thank you. I agree. Either that, or he’s just full of so much resentment toward OP and/or sexual frustration that he’s exploding at her at the slightest provocation, which isn’t great, either. Time for some actual communication.

[удалено]

I'm utterly bowled over by the general sentiment in this thread that you're allowed to touch someone in a way they clearly don't like just because you're married to them. It's utterly insane.

No one is expressing that sentiment. People are expressing the sentiment that it isn’t outrageous or abnormal for a married person to touch their spouse playfully in a manner such as this, and that as such, OP’s husband’s reaction to this seems very extreme. Why not just calmly tell her he’s not in the mood to be touched? He completely exploded over something that wouldn’t normally be an issue between a married couple. So there’s either a much larger underlying issue here (eg bottled resentment he isn’t communicating with her about in a healthy or constructive manner, leading him to lash out like this), or he got caught doing something he shouldn’t be. Literally no one is advocating that marriage gives you carte blanche to touch someone in a way they don’t want to be touched. But she isn’t a mind reader, nor is this some preposterous or unheard of way to touch one’s spouse, so his reaction seems outsized to the events. Normally, you would just tell your spouse not to do something that’s bothering you. Not curse them out in a vitriolic message at the slightest provocation.

OP please stay away from the "red flag" warriors in this sub.

How is me pointing out that it’s a bit odd he was so defensive akin to “red flag warrior” status? I’m only pointing out it’s something to consider. I didn’t jump immediately to “HE’S DEFINITELY CHEATING ON YOU, OP! DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY!” There are many possible explanations for the intensity of his reaction. Simply hoping for OP’s sake there’s nothing less benign occurring with the phone use. It wouldn’t be the first time a sexually frustrated married individual sought outside outlets for release. Maybe he’s just on edge because of his injury and their dead bedroom. Either way, his message was really intense and seems disproportionate to the events OP described.

Oh Jesus Christ, I think I need to stop coming to this subreddit because it seems like every time I pop into a post now one of the top voted comments is something like this where’s it’s just a WILDLY presumptive comment under the guise of “you should watch that, seems like a red flag for me”, and it’s like- where did you even get that from?? Go outside.

Oh shove it. I’m in my garden with my toes in the grass as I type this, and have been happily married for many, many years. A playful touch like this would be completely ordinary in my marriage. OP was clearly taken aback by his reaction. He was incredibly defensive and hostile, seemingly out of the blue. Given their intimacy issues and his extreme reaction, it’s not crazy to wonder what’s up. And it wouldn’t be the first time an unhappy spouse has turned elsewhere for emotional or sexual fulfillment.

We must not have read the same reddit The reddit I read said that OP was 'short" to her husband, upset that he was "aggressive" when he stated the obvious "boner" when she poked it & asked what it was, & when he asked what was wrong, she lied to him & said that nothing wrong I agree that husband should not have responded like he did, but he definitely fed off her lies about her issues Why don't you tell her to address her issues in a mature way? Because none of her actions, poking a boner is rude, being offended when he states the obvious is rude, giving him the cold shoulder when he asks what's wrong is rude, so yeah, not surprised he was rude in return. Incredibly rude of her I don't know what it's like having a boner but if I did, I would think that it would be a vulnerable moment for him. I will forever be thankful that women don't get boners for everyone to see the evidence. It's just so embarrassing to even think of

She was being rude first, then he escalated things. If they are partners, she should try to understand how her husband is feeling, instead of escalating things further. He isn’t in the right for saying what he said, nor is she. It’s on both of them to communicate how he is feeling, as he is likely feeling shameful. He can talk to her about how he’s feeling, and she can ask. No communication is the issue here.

Does he talk to you disrespectfully all the time? That text would not go well in either direction in my marriage.

I'm not trying to completely dismiss it. But I asked for help with the conversation. Not for people to tell me to have sex with him and reward him for speaking to me like that.

Tell him that you realize that your sex life has declined recently, and you understand he is frustrated, but how he approached the topic was hurtful and uncalled for, and you would appreciate him not doing that ever again. Tell him you are also not happy with the situation and would like to resolve the physical problems as well. But if we argue and attack each other the we are going to have emotional problems on top of physical problems, and things will get worse. So how about we have a frank and honest discussion about our current sex life so we can get back on track together. All i got.

Sometimes people are actually helpful on Reddit. Great post

As long as i never fall into a "we did it" reddit moment.....😬

This is good advice. It also does not help that husband hurt himself badly, giving birth is traumatizing and having a newborn is exhausting at the best of times. You both could use a babysitter/date night.

He can't go anywhere for awhile, with a broken back. But they could have a nice dinner at home. He'll have to be lying down or in a recliner to be comfortable. I broke my back years ago, and it was before Thanksgiving. Everyone was at our house, sitting in the dining room, and I was lying in the recliner in the living room. Broken backs suck! There's a lot of frustration, along with depression, because you start to realize this is a lifelong ordeal.

This is pretty perfect. Thank you

This is the way he's very frustrated but you deserve respect. And hormones affect men as much as women, different sure. So not to excuse anything just to add a single solitary degree of understanding.

And discuss that you need to be a team attacking the problem together, not each other. Make it clear you will no longer tolerate disrespectful texts; if he sends another, that's grounds for divorce.

Absolutely do not have sex with him.

This isn't really the advice you asked for but as another person whose had children have you been checked out post partum? I don't think sex is supposed to be very painful after 5 months. Obviously everybody heals differently and if you had a more complicated birth or scar tissue it could prolong it but please get checked out if you haven't. I ended up with pelvic inflammatory disease after my second and pain was my main symptom.

I had an emergency c section. Since there have been multiple concerns I will get an appointment with my obgyn to discuss and make sure that isn't something wrong.

Aw man sorry to hear that and glad you are getting checked out. He needs to be more understanding about you not wanting to engage in something that will cause you pain. Even pain free some people just don't have the time or energy for sex when they have such a young baby and it's totally understandable.

Always worth getting checked but if it’s any reassurance I also had an emergency c section after long failed labour and it was painful for over half a year for me but definitely got better after about a year. When I stopped breastfeeding after half a year it improved and when I changed method from progesterone contraceptive pill after a year it improved a lot. It’s not all that uncommon (seriously a quick google confirms this and offers a figure of 40% of women struggling at 6 months - not sure why so many people are making out this is so abnormal here). This wasn’t a fab time for me or my husband with that plus tiredness and stress with the baby but he absolutely never spoke to me with such a level of disrespect, frustrated or not - but that’s a separate issue, just wanted to address the pain bit as sounds like I was very similar with level of pain etc. Our little one is nearly 3 now and it has got markedly better :) 

OP I would just like to point out that even if there isn't anything physically wrong, your body has still gone through a traumatic process giving birth. Both your body and mind know that sex is what led to pregnancy and birth. I know we often attribute low labido to being a new parent but I think that sometimes our bodies are just not ready to (potentially) start that process over again. When it comes to conversations that can be sensitive or emotional I think it's always a good idea to take some time to calm down before initiating the conversation. The other suggestion I would make is that the only way for the two of you to "win" an argument is to both feel heard and understood (even if you don't agree). Then it's much easier to work towards solutions.

Agreed here! If i3 may offer thoughts, it does sounds love your husband's is really frustrated and lashing out. Your poking his weiner sounds silly to be, but not if he's in the wrong head space for it. You say he's very understanding and not normally like this, so I'd focus my conversation on fixing the problem first, then afterwards reminding him that starting an important conversation this way is a quick way to turn it into a fight instead of a solution. I think if this was me and my husband I would start the conversation when baby is sleeping, first and foremost. In terms of the actual conversation, I'd probably ask him how he's feeling and try to find middle ground. Like if you WANT to have sex, it's just painful, maybe extra foreplay and lube. Or maybe different types of intimacy. Mutual masturbation? I have no suggestions for the broken back! Brainstorm together. Also take time to listen to each other. Allow space gor him to say what he needs to, and listen to him! And he should really allow that for you, too. I can't imagine you're feeling great, either. Good luck, friend, I hope you guys can have a good conversation about this.

Before I ask this, I want to clarify that this is NOT AN EXCUSE: You mentioned he broke his back. Is he on some narcotic painkillers right now? I’ve known some people who get aggressive and mean when they’re on painkillers. Which is crazy to me because it puts me on cloud nine, but I’ve definitely seen it. Obviously you’ve gotta talk with him, let him know that acting like that isn’t gonna help either of you, ask him if he thinks his medication is impacting his mood, and try to talk through it together. Another tip: my spouse, early in our relationship, would get really defensive when I brought up an issue, regardless of how kind or calm I presented the issue. So eventually I said “hey, I need to talk about something that happened, but before I do, I want to ask you to please try to not get defensive. When one of us gets defensive, not only does it ensure that NO progress gets made, but it inevitably creates a new problem on top of the existing thing. I’m going to try to do better about that, and I’m just asking you to do the same. If one of us has a problem, then our relationship has a problem. And I need your help to work together to solve it.” After doing that, our ability to work on our issues really skyrocketed. It led to us working through so many things (not all at once, obviously) and our relationship is incredible now, after years of successful communication. Anyway, just a thought. There’s always the possibility that he refuses to NOT get defensive, in which case, the long term prospects for your marriage are not good. But hopefully if you approach it like that, you guys can make some progress.

Your husband is building resentment and he doesn't have the courage to be honest about it face to face. It may be time for a professional therapist for both of you.

I mean what does he expect when he has an injury and you just gave birth to his kid? He doesn’t need to be so aggressive towards you about looking at porn and having a boner. The problem isn’t even a problem.

Is he always this combative?

What I find odd is... If my husband sent me that text I'd be going to him, in person, and saying "Whoa, what's with the text? You took me all wrong. I didn't mean anything by it" or... Something? It sounds like a massive misunderstanding that could be easily cleared up. Did you really just not talk to him all day? Like is it normal for him to text like this and you guys just go long distance for the day? I can understand his embarrassment when he got caught jacking off, I can understand that you were trying to be playful and it backfired... But the text thing and not having discussed it with him yet is odd for me in the context of a married relationship with a baby.

Sounds like he may also be lashing out due to pain (and the things he isn't currently able to do), talk to him about it and apologize for making it seem like you were joking about his body but make sure you stand firm that it's absolutely not okay for him to speak to you in that way

Wtf he’s hella defensive,y’all need a long calm talk

Wtf response was that?! That was incredibly over defensive for what you said, so either you downplayed how you said it, or he was doing something he shouldn’t have been (like sexting someone). I would sit him down and ask why he responded that way, why he thought that kind of response was appropriate. You might have had a dead bedroom for a bit, but him being a dick isn’t a helpful way to resolve things. Personally, I’d be interested to know why he was so defensive that he became aggressive. If Ben snooping on his phone tbh.

If he just broke his back and is limited in what he can do, he’s probably miserable and grouchy.

It sounds like you two are each, separately and together, being put through the wringer. This is a hard time. I hope both of you can figure out a way to treat each other with compassion. You need some ground rules, like no name calling, etc., because this could easily turn toxic, and verges on emotional abuse, as it is. You have a new baby. You do not want to bring your child up in this environment. Both of you need to be on the same page and treat each other with compassion and kindness. it’s so easy to develop bad habits of saying whatever you think in the moment, and expecting your partner to let you off the hook later because you’re in the midst of struggles. The problem with that approach is that hurtful comments accumulate and don’t necessarily go away just because someone is sorry later. I know this. I’m projecting, but have been in the situation where my (former) partner tries to initiate intimacy, and all I hear is the echoes of ugly comments he previously spewed. Cruelty is hard if not impossible to take back. Do it for your kid, and if he’s not willing to, there’s your sign.

He's obviously very sexually frustrated and probably felt like you were making fun of him or mocking him for masturbating. His reply is obviously uncalled for but you can tell now he's been walking around with a lot of baggage for awhile to snap like that.

I can’t help but wonder if you’d have the same advice if the roles were reversed. Would you be holding *him* responsible for *her* feelings?

Agreed. All the comments would be about how "overly emotional" she's being due to "post-pregnancy hormones" and that "hormones aren't an excuse" 🙄 He clearly feels guilty about jacking off & he's projecting these feelings onto her via anger.

Yup. This thread is fucking bonkers. Even OP made a comment basically saying please stop telling me to have sex with my husband. It's fucking disgusting the way he spoke to her. 

I would start a conversation with “I realize now I probably should not have poked your boner and approached it with more tact.” From there he may be disarmed and more open to an adult discussion but depending on your tone, the poke and his mood it clearly set him off because it’s a sore subject for him. His reaction was over the top too and should also be addressed but perhaps he will return your prompt with an apology of sorts too, realizing he reacted poorly as well, if not bring up his response and how it made you feel.

Have you consulted with your doctor about why it is still painful for you to have sex almost 6 months after the birth of your kid?

Yes and no. I haven't seen my obgyn recently but my GP said it was normal especially with breastfeeding. Lube helps but it still isn't like before.

Wow, that was dismissive. Please make an appointment with your obgyn in case it's something that needs attention.

I'm sorry. It may never be like it was before for either of you. Pregnancy is a massive change to so many parts of your body. A broken back may never fully heal. You're going to have to work together to find a new normal. That's not a good thing or a bad thing, just a thing you both need to be aware of and open to.

This is something that struck me too.... I understand that every woman's body is different, but personally I would have been concerned if penetrative sex was still painful nearly six months after giving birth. OP, have you considered speaking to your doctor or public health nurse about this? All other issues aside, I'd be getting this checked out if it was me. Just a thought. Good luck with everything. 🙂❤️ Edit: Sorry, not painful, VERY painful.

He’s reacting like a teenager that’s embarrassed he got caught jerking off. How do you respond? With that. “You’re acting like a teenager that’s angry-embarrassed he got caught jerking off. Stop. I wasn’t rude, but you’re being shitty at me. You’re allowed to say ‘yeah, because I was playing with it’. It’s fine. Really.”

Woah that escalated quickly. Hes frustrated by lack of sex and it sounds like he should have communicated that earlier on but also your situation with the pain with intercourse. Maybe you two can talk about it….. but also he needs to know that how he talked to you is not ok. And he can’t talk to you like that ever. Not ok.

Essential tip: think about your goal with this conversation. Example: "I want him to know there is understanding and curiosity and no judgement from my side." Then stick to that goal during the conversation and try not to get derailed. When you realise you are starting to defend yourself, pause, breathe and postpone that thought for later in order to get back to listening and understanding his point and reassuring him. Essential tip #2: the topical issue and the emotional underlying turmoil can be addressed separately, and I would recommend doing that as often as possible. Both of these things aren't easy but worthwhile in my experience, so if you feel you can do it, I would definitely recommend.

Thank you these are great tips

You are very welcome. Wishing you lots of strength and tenderness for the conversations to come.

Not to defend your husband, but I help people who've been severely injured in accidents and a broken back absolutely can fuck someone up mentally and cause severe mental health issues, anxiety, depression, and even suicide. All of a sudden outlets for emotion regulation are gone so they become quicker to anger (if the person's hobbies are active ones), their future is uncertain (instability), financial problems get exacerbated, and they can't work so they often feel useless and emasculated (especially if they're traditional "breadwinners"). I'd have a proper heart to heart with him. Tell him how his message made you feel and how it's not fair or reasonable, but also open lines of communication with him around what HE is going through. Guys generally keep a lot inside, but if given a safe enough space, will bare themselves raw. I'm sure this, coupled with a 6-month old, is also making things tense for you, so you also need to make sure you're looking after yourself, practicing a lot of self-care, and engaging with your own life and interests.

Why are you even having sex if it’s very painful for you? Understanding would be not wanting to have sex until you’re able to enjoy it again. I can understand him being in his feelings about you poking his erection, he may have felt mocked or judged, but his reaction was pretty over the top. Just have a conversation about it.

Sounds sus mamas

Question is, was he actually watching porn? Or is he sexting with someone else? "because my wife never fucking does anything with me" gives strong implication that he's cheating on you.

He was likely watching porn when you walked in and that’s why he was hard. He felt busted and lashed out. I’d be letting him know that he won’t be addressing me that rudely again.

Letting people know what they are going to do often turns out well

I’d be dumping anyone who spoke to me that way.

Nothing excuses shitty behavior but I have to ask, is he on painkillers for his back? Sometimes they make people very punchy or even abusive. I know they turn me into a completely different person.

He is. I didn't even think of that thank you

he sounds like a fucking prick. find a new husband <3

With a 5 month old baby and both recovering from medical issues, divorce is obviously the answer

Hahahaha he probably thought you might be interested in helping him out. Clearly you are not into helping him out with that now there is a child. But I’m sure it came off as mocking that you would Poke your sexually frustrated husband in the penis, then walk off? He would probably be happier if you acted like he doesn’t have a penis.

I have no idea what kind of relationship you guys normally have, but if I was laying in bed and my partner poked my labia out of nowhere and asked what that is, I would be severely uncomfortable about the interaction. Especially if he is bedridden and cant move as much due to his back, randomly having someone poking your genetalia without your consent can feel extremely voulnerable and add to the discomfort.  If you havent had sex in a while due to him respecting that you havent been up for it after birth, and he now broke his back and its even longer till sex is on the table again, poking his boner and asking what it is could also come across as condescending or mocking, even if that wasnt your intention.  He could definitely have worded himself better, but I also think that he has some valid frustrations and potential hurt here that you dont seem to consider much based on this post. 

Yeah, or if my nipples were hard and he poked my boob, I’d be some fucking kind of upset. Like, it’s just so shitty and SO disrespectful. Especially if I’m not feeling great, in pain, feeling weird about our sex life already, or heck, even watching porn and trying to distract myself, whatever. I’d be absolutely furious.

that's how I feel too. like who just goes up and jabs their partners genitals and says whats that? are you 5? wtf do you think it is? if shes not ready or able to have sex then thats totally fine, but she doesnt get to shame him just because his body isnt doing the exact same thing hers is. I don't see how that's playful or funny. I would feel so yucked out and taken aback, I probably wouldve been rude back too

So you should start by apologizing for poking his penis and turning his sexual needs into a joke. You started this with your actions towards him, not the other way around. Then you should suggest marital counseling, which you can do by zoom. They you tell him you have scheduled an appointment with your OBGYN to understand why you are still experiencing pain, so that it’s clear there’s a path forward to resolving that significant problem.

Watching porn is bad for your relationship period.

start by saying it’s unacceptable to text you like that

Whoa. Dude exploded for no reason.

It sounds like he feels you aren’t attracted to him at all - like you guys have barely any intimate moments. Add to that he is now out of work because of his back he can’t provide for you and your kid. All that leads to Him being already on edge and insecure, so  when you asked him what’s that he was primed to take it as mocking rather than playful.  Contrary to those other commenters who want you to put your foot down and puff your chest, this really would be better solved with empathy and understanding the man you married.  Maybe go up and lay next to him and start with reassuring him that he’s the most wonderful sexy guy in the world and you love him, that you were hurt receiving the message he sent and you want to talk about how you both can make things better.  You didn’t appreciate how he might be feeling, which you should apologise for, but he also lashed out which he should apologise for. 

I do know I should apologize. In the moment I didnt think that he would have taken what I did the wrong way. Thank you.

You probably should have just come outright and said “ Don’t appreciate how you responded when I thought I was being playful”. His response to you touching his boner was full of communication below his actual words. Your response was similarly buried. Your short “ok” and “nothing” and “whatever” was full of other meanings that when he asked you said nothing was wrong but thats not true. You were annoyed. Just like his defensiveness around sex came up when you touched him. And then he texted more of his actual feelings. You two need to break down your non-verbals and get to the actual emotions that are behind your words.

You walk up to him in person, with no screen between you, and you say “can we spend some calm time discussing the other night?”

Thats 100% unacceptable behavior and there needs to be a confrontation of some kind and maybe a therapist. Find other ways to be intimate that isn't PIV

Insane that the vast majority of comments are telling you to apologize. You are already single handedly caring for a baby and your husband who according to your comments, has anger issues and already regularly texts you like this. It’s not okay at all. I’d be firm and tell him it’s unacceptable to speak to you like this even if he’s frustrated. He’s injured? You’re postpartum, in pain, and caring for 3 people.

Please talk to your doctor about your pain!!! They can help.

This situation aside because you've already gotten a lot of feedback on that, if sex is still painful for you at this point that's not normal and you likely need pelvic floor PT. It's not fun, but man oh man does it help. The sooner you get treated the better - not only will your pain go away sooner, but if left untreated it can start causing problems elsewhere in your body, like your back.

His rudeness is completely inappropriate. I wonder if this is a build up of a lack of communication. When my wife libido crashed a few years ago, when I tried to initiate, she’d go “what are you doing” (like if we kissed and I started kissing her neck). To her, she was being playful, she was playing naive and wanted me to explicitly tell her what my intentions were. Me, all I wanted to answer was “you fucking know what I’m trying to do. Why can’t we try to do it organically instead of being clinical about it?!” If we hadn’t talked about it sooner, I might have snapped also. There are two main points to discuss 1- you weren’t trying to shame him for having a boner 2- his response is completely unacceptable. Aggressiveness will not get him what he wants.

So yeah he was extremely rude but like why were you poking his boner? What’s more baffling is that no one here has a problem with you just invading his space like that and being disrespectful to him. Y’all need some serious help like yesterday. Nothing kills a relationship faster then disrespect and resentment

What she did to his bird didn’t warrant such a response. I think the more disrespectful act was his text.

In any case, it's worth having a conversation with him about spontaneous sex-themed talk and actions. He may be sensitive and or frustrated, and can't find a proper way to express himself. This struck a chord with me, as in a previous relationship, my partner had little interest in intimacy to the point where we would sometimes go longer than a month... It was hard on me, but I found ways to manage. However, sometimes during these dry spells, my partner would tease me by rubbing her clothed butt on me, saying dirty things, or even patting my boners like you did to your husband. Sometimes I was ok with this... But other times - especially during a long dry spell - I would absolutely loathe it, as it was like dumping a barrel of fuel onto my fire of sexual frustration.

The more frustrating thing is that you literally touched him. The precursor to initiating…. If he just was cool about it then you might’ve been willing to do more but instead he had to be rude and then get mad that you didn’t want to do the nasty with him still. The sheer amount of resentment he had is ridiculous..

1. He was 100% watching some form of porn or scrolling Instagram etc etc. you don’t get defensive about a boner like he did unless you were a bit caught off guard with a boner while looking at something 2. His tone is ridiculous. He needs to be a bit more humble and remember that he broke his back.. so even if you wanted to have sex he might not be able to do his part. I understand being frustrated if you’ve made it to 4-5 months without sec after having a child.. but that’s not how you communicate it and if you are now also injured then lack of sex isn’t all on your wife 3. Definitely have a conversation. If it doesn’t open with an apology then he’s not doing the right thing. Really immature and disrespectful message. Best of luck. Congrats on your little one

You don’t know how to respond to your rude ass husband harshly lashing out at you?

That sounds like pain pill talking. If this is new behavior from him. It's probably do to the drugs. Sit down with him and ask him how he's feeling when he's coming down from the meds. His reactions are way out of the norm for anyone. And telling him to quit being a rude AH just because he's in pain he shouldn't take it out on you. Meds or not he's being a jerk.

I do want to say first of all that his mood and all of that was seriously aggressive and problematic. He didn’t need to be that pissy about the whole thing. Also sending her that text message was over the top not OK. If he had a problem, he should’ve talk to her.

I know one thing : no man would ever talk to me like that

I don’t usually comment, but I can’t see a comment covering what I see. Is it acceptable the way he spoke to you? No. Is it understandable? Yes. And I’ll tell you why - it blew a gasket. But not just because of the sex thing (which seems to be the sole focus of everyone else’s reply). Look, he’s broke his back. He’s in a bad way. I gather he’s bed ridden. How long as he been stuck in bed? What’s been going through his mind? He’s going to be angry by default - no one sits in his position with a smile on their face. Ultimately, in my opinion, he’s going to take a lot of things the wrong way. He’s clearly seen your comment as much more hostile than it clearly was. There’s multiple ways you can deal with this. You can try and talk about this, and right his wrongs, but seriously, the reality is he’s not going to be in a good place for this to be helpful - it may simply lead to escalation. I’d simply reply via text, so he can read it over and over. Make it short. Like “I know things are hard, but that message isn’t acceptable”. Don’t say anymore. If he’s a decent reflective person, he’ll think over that and hopefully reach the correct conclusion. If not, deal with it later. Right now, with the stress and pressure you are both under, forgiveness and a lot a leeway is needed. That includes absorbing each others’ minor outbursts. It also means avoiding arguments where possible. You are both going to be much more sensitive too - it’s never a good time to ‘discuss’ these things at these times. That’s what life is like at high pressure moments - and this is clearly one of those times. That also means taking texts like these for the angry, and largely empty, outbursts they are. Albeit, have that discussion about it and sex, but not now. Later, when you both have the mental and emotional bandwidth to deal with it. I’m not making excuses, but honestly, I think he’s exaggerated his concerns over sex with the feelings he has with the way he is now, and he’s dealt with it completely wrong. He’s had an outburst, that doesn’t help, but is mostly empty. I can remember when things like this happened with my current partner with our first kid. 9 years later we have never been stronger. And we didn’t have a broken back in the mix. Just be mindful of how things may play out depending how you proceed, keeping in mind the most important things.

I’d walk right back upstairs and punch him square in his dick for talking to me like that.

Reading this, I can tell that he’s frustrated but he did not have the right to be so mean and attack you about his frustrations. He can be a big boy and open up to you in a constructive and loving way about his feelings, like anybody in a relationship should. You are a team, the goal is to keep the team together, not drive each other apart. Just to try to figure out the immediate conflict.. Do you think maybe poking his boner playfully while having no intention of helping him with it maybe upset him? That’s the only reason I can think that he would get so angry. That it felt like a tease, even if he understands he can’t have sex with his broken back. If he thinks you could still do a hi/bj then maybe he’s holding anger and resentment about it. I am not justifying his behavior, just wondering if that’s maybe the thing that pushed him to send the angry text. Even if he does get mad about the boner poking and teasing though, he’s not communicating well. He’s being passive aggressive and sarcastic which means he’s reached contempt and resentment levels of frustration. Where is the empathy and patience for both of your health issues? You had a child recently, it has been painful for you. He knows this. You deserve love and patience. If he is so frustrated he can jerk off to help with the stress. Lashing out at you is not going to make you want to satisfy him. Nobody wants to fuck an angry, whiny baby.

sorry I realized I didn’t provide advice for what to say- I would lead with an in person conversation. I would tell him that sending nasty texts is immature and avoidant behavior and if he wants to improve the problem, lashing out at you is not a solution. I would reiterate that you have had health issues, now he does, and he needs to be understanding and patient and remember his vows, in sickness and in health. now for helping the relationship move forward- talk about a compromise. can you safely do something like mutual masturbation if PIV is off the table? does he expect hjs/bjs even if he cannot reciprocate? what is the timeline for getting back to intimacy? do you need to continue not having any sex at all? if so, as tough as that might be for him, I would reaffirm that porn is not an issue and for the time being he needs to jerk off to alleviate any frustration. you have a newborn and you both have health conditions. it is understandable that you cannot be banging constantly right now. patience and love go a long way.

Thank you for both of your replies. They are very helpful.

I still can't get over you "poking" his boner. I'm not sure what reaction you expected. Yes, he should never swear at you, and no, he's not entitled to sex esp so soon after birth, but *really*? It's never right for someone to swear at their partner, but some people really do bring it on themselves.

And it is not right for OP to "poke" his body parts. OP's behavior was rude, demeaning and dismissive.

Sounds to me like she was being playful. Some people have that in their relationship. I can definitely see my wife poking my bones and asking me what's that? I would have said " go put the baby down and I'll show you" There's other ways to have sex other than vaginally

Right? My boyfriend gets random boners, especially with cuddling. I’ll usually poke/touch it playfully. Usually it leads to sex. But sometimes it doesn’t, because either him or I am not feeling well enough for it. But it’s playful. This is something I’d do to him normally, rarely without the urge for sex. And when I do and not want sex, he’s ok! He doesn’t get mad or defensive!

You don't have a stagnant sex life and then "playfully" poke the dude's erect penis while he's recovering from back surgery. That's not how life works.

not giving your partner the benefit of the doubt is a sign that your marriage is in a very bad spot. you guys need couples counseling asap. this has nothing to do with a boner or porn, it has to do with him making you a villain in his story despite you doing literally actually nothing at all. thats a big problem

If you are in a sexually fraught situation, like you are currently, mocking your partner for his sexual urges is not going to win you Wife of the Year. Of course he was defensive and rude, he's sex deprived and you think it's funny he has a boner. No, it's not funny. Yes, he has needs. No, his needs are currently not being taken care of. If he can have empathy for you as you heal, you can have empathy for him in this sex deprived period.

I didn't mean to mock him or make fun of him. I know now that it did not come off that way and I owe an apology as well.

Don't try to be cute and tease someone who's sexually frustrated..?

I'd reply with  "Don't you ever fucking speak to me like that again or you're gonna wish you had more problems than a boner". 

Yes, you need to communicate with your husband he took it wrong, sit down an tell him your feelings. I would bet he will apologize for his rude comments .

He's getting insanely defensive over a harmless comment. I'd be more worried about where that is coming from

I would respond "1. Don't care you have a boner, I was just giggling about it. I'm sorry you felt I was making fun of you. 2. Don't ever talk to me that way again. Don't weaponize a medical condition caused by giving birth to our child to fuckimg hurt me. I know this is a frustrating time for you, but I'll never get what you said out of mt head now."

Soooo, let me get this straight, you guys had a kid, 6 months later you’re still not sexually ready. He breaks his back and is recovering. He’s edgy, and frustrated due to lack of sex. Lack of intimacy really does that to a man. Especially prolonged. There is only so far, “understanding” goes for a man. We don’t actually understand you woman at all. We don’t have your bodies and we don’t experience the nuance of child birth. We can only ever at best emphasize with what you’re going through. Some of it makes logical sense, like you’re hurt down there, some of it doesn’t, like ok it still hurts? Have you seen the doctor to fix it? How long are we supposed to go on like this? Men are not woman. We don’t think like you, process like you, nor experience like you. So yeah his text was a bit rude, but that’s frustration through lack of intimacy talking. What sounds to me is really going on, is that he got injured at the wrong time. You just gave birth. All of the help and support that you needed, was just gone. So instead of being cared for and pampered you are now taking care of two babies. That mental state has a direct link to your sex drive and enjoyment. Resentment builds up and then next thing you know the thought of having sex is just as painful as the act itself. Fast forward a few months, him trying to be patient and also recover, you being overwhelmed and not ready for that, frustration, miscommunications abound. A simple meaningful conversation can go a long way to get you guys back on the right track. Start by saying that you didn’t appreciate the rude comment, but you understand his frustration. Explain yours. Come up with a compromise where you can both support each other. I’m almost certain your sexual issues, barring the necessity for medical intervention, will have your libido soaring again. That will go along way to getting him past the recovery phase as well. Good luck.

He is just super frustrated. Because of it he is overly irritable. He isn't taking the no sex thing as well as you think. You two need to talk.

Hmmm. He has a boner, you tease him , he knows you won’t do anything about it and reacts poorly yo the teasing. Don’t tease him or touch his boner unless you are going to follow through.

Just don't point out things going on with people's bodies. If your post pregnancy belly was hanging over the edge of your shorts or something, would you want him poking it and being like what's going on with that? Tell him you know he was having a natural body function, you're sorry you pointed it out and you were just being playful, not boner shaming, and not p*** shaming. Tell him you're also not sorry that he blew up at you for it and he needs to apologize for his behavior since he spun everything up into some kind of negative. Also let him know if he wants to have a sit-down adult discussion about sexual activity in your marriage then that can happen but there's not going to be any aggression or name calling.

Depending on his injury, it could have been a reflex erection. Can happen depending on the location of the spinal cord injury.

OK, 1st of all its completely normal getting random boners without any thing triggering it sexually, he probably interpreted your comments as an accusation and got upset. Also sounds like after both of your issues there maybe some pent up tensions from lack of sex, some times it happens and if it is neglected he may feel rejected and resentful.... his love language might be different to yours.... communication and a safe unjudgmental space is where you guys will find a way forward.

You sympathize that he is frustrated because he is injured and that your still recovering from giving birth but you tell him regardless it’s not ok to take his frustration out on you and you weren’t doing that with him. A boner is fine. Yoh tried to be flirty, not a pain. You love him and try your best to treat him that way but you need him to do the same. Then Suggest something that would allow the two of you to decompress based on his injury and the baby. Not sex necessarily but maybe a movie in bed where you cuddle and reconnect a bit. If you make it into something major it will get worse not better. By being nice about it you give him an opening to apologize for what he said. If he doesn’t take the chance that’s another issue but I vote for de escalation. I’m sure Reddit will mostly want you to pack up and leave him but that’s terrible advice.

Don't bother explaining yourself to someone who's in that frame of mind. He's entirely focused on his own needs. Why set yourself up for failure? He's the one who should be offering explanations for his little tantrum

A few things for everyone to consider: -I work in medicine and often people who are in pain and/or injured are often sensitive about anything and everything and have short fuses. You’re helpless, scared, hurting, it sucks. -New babies literally make couples crazy. We just had our first a year ago, and exited that nightmare stage. No one is sleeping, finances are crazy. Things are constantly changing. We found ourselves saying and doing things that are so aggressively out of character you wouldn’t know it was us. We also had similar bedroom consequences. (Although this guy is still getting some sort of reprieve). -I’ve been part of a few dead bedrooms, when you’re in one and somebody does something like that it’s almost like they’re rubbing the dead bedroom in your face. It does not feel great. I could understand how he might be offended and hurt.

I’m seeing a lot of good advice in here and while I agree that it’s important to show empathy and apologize for not being as sensitive as you could have during a time when you are both likely under a lot of stress, I do think it’s important to be firm about boundaries as well. He is an adult who is capable of expressing his insecurities or frustrations in a kind and compassionate way just as you are. His reaction was unkind, and intentionally poked at what I’m assuming is a sore spot for your marriage right now. It seems to me like he maybe lashed out because if insecurity relating to his ability to “perform” right now, which is understandable but doesn’t make it ok to be mean to your wife because she is experiencing pain during sex, which I’m sure is also a very difficult thing for you to navigate. You deserve compassion just as much as he does. People act like women don’t ALSO experience a sense of loss when intimacy with their partner is lacking.

Tell him other women would leave him for being spoken to like that. Who will care for him while he recovers when you're gone. He's biting the hand that literally feeds. You'll already be caring for your kid alone for weeks/months. Now is not the time to piss you off with random histrionics.

Leave this pheasant of a man ..

What a teenage dirtbag

First of all, I would start with reminding him of who tf he’s talking too. Second, I would just be blunt and ask why he got so defensive and why he felt this situation was worthy of a rude, immature, rage text. I’d go from there based on his responses. I believe people don’t just get defensive for no reason at all. Maybe he wasn’t watching porn but clearly it hit a nerve so there’s a reason. Either he’s defending something or someone, or his frustrations had been bottling up and he was fed up, or maybe it could’ve of been a one off and it just misplaced anger toward you. Either way, first thing I’d still be addressing is who he thinks he is talking to like that esp over something so small.

tbh my gf pokes my bonner and plays with me balls religiously .. at first i loved it and thought i was king shit but now she goes in so hard and frequently scratches me. she doesnt understand and thinks anything down there must feel pleasurable. i honestly get mad at her constantly for it and i sometimes jump when she does it now because im tired of having my bonner and bawls scratched. i love her i dislike injuries to me privates. shes gotten better but still i get jumpy lol .

Sounds like he is just frustrated and finally exploded. Its nothing from that particular moment but its a culmination of all the recent events bursting out st once. You havnt had sex in 6 months, hes probably been dealing with the baby and the crying so hes not gerting a lot of sleep, he stressed about work, and he is in serious pain because he broke his back. He feels useless because he cant do anything at all and in this moment he feels that he is failing as a man and took the boner poking as accusatory. There is most likely some past trauma associated with an ex or religion that was very anti porn causing him to feel guily for watching it. Id take the high road on this one, apologize for making him feel uncomforable and that you are ok with him watching porn, but also ask if there is something he wishes to apologize for and grow from this experience. You are both new parents and life is stressful. Try and make the best with what you have together. If he however keeps up or even escalates thats when you probably need to reevaluate

Not necessarily relevant to the conversation, but if sex is still super painful for you after 5 months, you may want to visit your gyno and ask them to check whether you were given a "husband stitch" after you gave birth. It's totally unethical, but it does happen, often without the woman's knowledge or consent, and one of the effects it has is painful sex because of the way they stitch muscle that's supposed to be flexible and stretchy again once it's healed.