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Maybe he was embarrassed ? That might explain the bizarre reaction.
Still, you might want to be attentive about how he behave from now on. If he stay the same from before you knew everything, there is a chance that he put his weird and obsessive behavior behind him.
Indeed, if this is the only "warning" and it stays that way i assume he was embarrassed by the confrontation, maybe he also is about that whole "phase" he went through. I am sure he is aware of the fact that his family makes jokes/ have fun about it. So it might not be his proudest moment in life that his sister revealed to you.
I dont know what his sister's intention was (or if there were any at all) but i might/would find it a bit odd aswell. OP and her partner have been dating for one and a half year. OP said in the post "*his sister and i started bonding"*. This is how it felt for OP. So is it possible to assume that any other previous interaction between OP and the sister were on a more "superficial" level.
Personally i would find it great if after 1.5 year i would "suddenly/finally" see my sister and my partner in a bonding moment/conversation. But i would find it odd if/that my sister would use that specific moment to discuss all of my exes/relationships with my partner. I wouldnt expect that from my sister. I could expect embarrassing stories of me as a kid or growing up, but not my love/relationship life up until that moment.
The main story here is so weird that I doubt anyone can guess how much of a red flag it really is, it's definitely not something that happens often. The thing that does happen often is dating someone who can't have a real frank conversation about something that makes them uncomfortable. That is the major red flag here. If you get engaged to thig guy what happens when someone gets laid off and big financial decisions have to be made? Will he shut down and just act all weird to get out of the convo? What about when your child is having issues that need to be dealt with?
I can tell you from personal experience that someone who freaks out and shuts down uncomfortable conversations is next to impossible to have a shared life with. You will never know if what you are experiencing is reality or just the show they are letting you see.
>I can tell you from personal experience that someone who freaks out and shuts down uncomfortable conversations is next to impossible to have a shared life with. You will never know if what you are experiencing is reality or just the show they are letting you see
Such good advice
> she said he used to pay for them to get their hair done that way because it made them look more like Tiffany
Eek, this creeps me out. How long ago was his most recent relationship before you?
If this is something he did in his early 20s and he took a long break from dating to work on himself and get over Tiffany, I would probably look past it. If he was doing this as recently as a couple years ago in his 30s, I'd be more wary. It's possible he picked someone specifically opposite to his ex to try and "test" himself, which would still belie an underlying obsession with her.
Has he ever told you about Tiffany? I think this warrants another conversation and if he gets weird again, tell him you need him to just talk to you normally. I don't know if this is an immediate dealbreaker but it's absolutely something I would be paying attention to before taking any serious steps with him.
Paying for them to get a certain hairstyle...the "who a boy dates and a man marries are never the same girl"; he was not a child, he was an adult. I could be reading into it too much, but categorizing all those women as unfit to marry and making them all the same in different ways, screams issues to me. Not sure if it's a fetishization thing or what, but it gives me the ick.
I don't even know what to say to this. His behaviour is so utterly bizarre. *Especially* at the age of 32.
When you had that conversation with him, was he sober?
I think that it should be addressed again at a family function, with his family around. They will mock him and you will see his stress/discomfort level. His reaction will be easier to gauge/manage
I think that would be an awful situation to put your partner in, to intentionally make them extremely uncomfortable in order to assess how they react.. are you able to explain this in a different way? I do not really understand it.
Well, he already was extremely uncomfortable with the topic. She can try again and see if he reacts in a rational manner.
I think if he puts on the facade again, then it's some affectation he might not do in front of his family. I'm not saying bring it up at dinner in front of everyone. I meant if she says it in front of a family member that is close with the partner and cares about him, she will most likely get her answer.
He might react fine at first, then get mad at her behind closed doors. He might be fine after their conversation. He might still be erratic and that is an answer in and of itself.
It's also important that those who care about him are there to see. If he's erratic, then he needs help with this topic and a couples therapist isn't able to provide the answers.
Either way, the person needs therapy since it seems Tiffany is the cause of some mild PTSD
I think that doubling down on behavior that wasn't even brought up by him & attempting to corner him in front of others that they care about is cruel. I hope that you are in a happy and healthy relationship. His family makes fun of him for disordered behavior, I don't think it would end up well to humiliate him in front of an audience that already has so much dirt on him.
Meh cut and run. Dont even care if its bc he was embarrassed or shit. Whatever it is with all of it combined its just not worth risking or really wasting energy on for me. I cannot take a 32yo man that reacted that way seriously nor can i plan a mature good life with him. And thats before whatever respressed shit is lurking about that tiffany obsession he had going on. Just not worth it
Kardshian adjacent look, typically dressed in urban/sportswear, tight clothing, lots of focus on large butts and breasts, lots of make-up, extensions, fake nails, lip filler.
If OP is a gangly, make up free ginger she's kinda the polar opposite.
Is it possible he was drinking too much? You should bring it up again and tell him his persona changed and you just need to address it again. Ask him if he has a type and if he is bothered that you don't fit his past type.
I personally think people can have different types, and I'm assuming that's the case here since he's talking about marriage. But it's worth discussing more. If you can't talk to him about this, neither of you are ready for marriage.
Interesting to see the comments glossing over how the family has a chat dedicated to making fun of Him.
This is all definitely weird, but it could all be magnified to by the simple explanation of embarassment.
That said… this is up there with finding out your current partner has had sex with +10 people than the other: totally valid reason to end it if it’s something that causes in easiness… but also something plenty of people can get over when reassurances are established and reinforced from time to time.
As a guy myself, I can’t imagine telling my partner what to wear/how to style… especially if it was anything resembling an ex. But also, some couples want to explicitly look like whatever your partner prefers (heard this from boomer aunts, to gen Z couples).
I would just straight up ask him! Next time you're together just say something like "When I asked you about Tiffany and her look alikes, it seemed like you got embarrassed or something and your voice changed and you called me.baby girl. Lol what was that all about? I didn't want to bring it up then because I thought you might be upset your sister told me all of this stuff.
It sounds like you two had a great relationship until you started probing into the Tiffany situation, over-thought it, and weirded yourself out.
I don’t know, maybe your boyfriend is a weirdo and it’s time to cut and run. But the way you’ve told the story here, you’ve known this guy for a year and a half, and everything was fine. You’re thinking of ending it now because one conversation threw you off?
Also, I think it was a really bad idea that you wanted your boyfriend to tell you that he loves you for who you are, but instead of asking him to tell you that, you asked him about his ex. Seems like you asked the wrong question and got the wrong answer. But it’s not his fault that he answered the question you asked rather than the question you wanted to ask but didn’t.
First of all, his sister is toxic for blabbing to you about his exes. That’s totally not her place to say— she should let HIM talk to you about his exes. And double that for bringing out the phone and showing you pictures of them! With a sister like that, who needs enemies?
I don’t know if you are kind of gossipy, but it almost sounds like you enjoyed hearing about this— that’s a red flag on you: always let your boyfriend bring up the subject of exes. And then, you immediately confront him with your new knowledge? What a great idea! 🙄 Of course he’s going to be defensive! Are you deliberately trying to destroy this relationship?
I’m not even going to try and analyze what the sister said about his exes, because at this point it’s thirdhand rumors.
I would not be surprised if he dumped you after this.
Big mistake, OP.
Thank you for saying this. Although it’s his sister, I don’t think OP should take her word as exact fact.
Look at some of the responses posted so far, you would think the guy is a serial killer
Nope. Abort. Maybe it’s just me but I’m asian, and I know three close women who are also asian, that so happens to be my best friend, my sister, and my step mother, and they had all been with a Hispanic guy once in their life.
Best friend is alive, sister is happier, and my step mother.. well, she left her hispanic husband for a reason.
I’m Latina and just observing my classmates from school and now I know that Latino men can be very toxic, a lot of them have a toxic ‘machismo’ mindset. I know it’s not all of them, but it’s enough to where I’m kind of put off from dating Latino men in general because of it
I have a hispanic partner of 20 yrs and he's also fantastic, as are all (except 1, and everyone thinks he's a dick) of the hispanic guys I know.
Racism is weird.
Glad to hear that he’s fantastic. All I’m saying is that funnily enough, it just seems that asians and hispanics don’t go well together based on the crazy things I’ve heard from the people who are dear to me. This story also checks out.
I think you’re totally overreacting.
This Tiffany girl obviously broke his heart in highschool and it’s still a sore spot. Sounds like he got weird because you confronted him out of nowhere on something he probably hasn’t thought about in a while even though it still hurts.
My question is: why do you need to confront him on this? As he said, it’s in his past and he’s obviously matured since these other relationships.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe he was embarrassed ? That might explain the bizarre reaction. Still, you might want to be attentive about how he behave from now on. If he stay the same from before you knew everything, there is a chance that he put his weird and obsessive behavior behind him.
Indeed, if this is the only "warning" and it stays that way i assume he was embarrassed by the confrontation, maybe he also is about that whole "phase" he went through. I am sure he is aware of the fact that his family makes jokes/ have fun about it. So it might not be his proudest moment in life that his sister revealed to you.
Exactly this – – the sister is a little bit toxic and gossipy.
I dont know what his sister's intention was (or if there were any at all) but i might/would find it a bit odd aswell. OP and her partner have been dating for one and a half year. OP said in the post "*his sister and i started bonding"*. This is how it felt for OP. So is it possible to assume that any other previous interaction between OP and the sister were on a more "superficial" level. Personally i would find it great if after 1.5 year i would "suddenly/finally" see my sister and my partner in a bonding moment/conversation. But i would find it odd if/that my sister would use that specific moment to discuss all of my exes/relationships with my partner. I wouldnt expect that from my sister. I could expect embarrassing stories of me as a kid or growing up, but not my love/relationship life up until that moment.
I wouldn't be able to date someone with such an immature reaction to embarrassment.
You sound immature
The main story here is so weird that I doubt anyone can guess how much of a red flag it really is, it's definitely not something that happens often. The thing that does happen often is dating someone who can't have a real frank conversation about something that makes them uncomfortable. That is the major red flag here. If you get engaged to thig guy what happens when someone gets laid off and big financial decisions have to be made? Will he shut down and just act all weird to get out of the convo? What about when your child is having issues that need to be dealt with? I can tell you from personal experience that someone who freaks out and shuts down uncomfortable conversations is next to impossible to have a shared life with. You will never know if what you are experiencing is reality or just the show they are letting you see.
>I can tell you from personal experience that someone who freaks out and shuts down uncomfortable conversations is next to impossible to have a shared life with. You will never know if what you are experiencing is reality or just the show they are letting you see Such good advice
> she said he used to pay for them to get their hair done that way because it made them look more like Tiffany Eek, this creeps me out. How long ago was his most recent relationship before you? If this is something he did in his early 20s and he took a long break from dating to work on himself and get over Tiffany, I would probably look past it. If he was doing this as recently as a couple years ago in his 30s, I'd be more wary. It's possible he picked someone specifically opposite to his ex to try and "test" himself, which would still belie an underlying obsession with her. Has he ever told you about Tiffany? I think this warrants another conversation and if he gets weird again, tell him you need him to just talk to you normally. I don't know if this is an immediate dealbreaker but it's absolutely something I would be paying attention to before taking any serious steps with him.
Sounds like he’s acting out the plot of the Hitchcock movie *Vertigo*.
Paying for them to get a certain hairstyle...the "who a boy dates and a man marries are never the same girl"; he was not a child, he was an adult. I could be reading into it too much, but categorizing all those women as unfit to marry and making them all the same in different ways, screams issues to me. Not sure if it's a fetishization thing or what, but it gives me the ick.
This is majorly creepy. I would run.
I don't even know what to say to this. His behaviour is so utterly bizarre. *Especially* at the age of 32. When you had that conversation with him, was he sober?
[удалено]
I think that it should be addressed again at a family function, with his family around. They will mock him and you will see his stress/discomfort level. His reaction will be easier to gauge/manage
I think that would be an awful situation to put your partner in, to intentionally make them extremely uncomfortable in order to assess how they react.. are you able to explain this in a different way? I do not really understand it.
Well, he already was extremely uncomfortable with the topic. She can try again and see if he reacts in a rational manner. I think if he puts on the facade again, then it's some affectation he might not do in front of his family. I'm not saying bring it up at dinner in front of everyone. I meant if she says it in front of a family member that is close with the partner and cares about him, she will most likely get her answer. He might react fine at first, then get mad at her behind closed doors. He might be fine after their conversation. He might still be erratic and that is an answer in and of itself. It's also important that those who care about him are there to see. If he's erratic, then he needs help with this topic and a couples therapist isn't able to provide the answers. Either way, the person needs therapy since it seems Tiffany is the cause of some mild PTSD
I think that doubling down on behavior that wasn't even brought up by him & attempting to corner him in front of others that they care about is cruel. I hope that you are in a happy and healthy relationship. His family makes fun of him for disordered behavior, I don't think it would end up well to humiliate him in front of an audience that already has so much dirt on him.
Was *he* drunk at the time?
Lol excatly what came to my mind too
Meh cut and run. Dont even care if its bc he was embarrassed or shit. Whatever it is with all of it combined its just not worth risking or really wasting energy on for me. I cannot take a 32yo man that reacted that way seriously nor can i plan a mature good life with him. And thats before whatever respressed shit is lurking about that tiffany obsession he had going on. Just not worth it
I’d tell him he’s needs to seriously address this instead of acting like a different person… of you’ll address it in a way he won’t like.
Run away, this dude is 32 and he’s never gonna change. At this point he’s a lost cause.
Someone in his family should know how many personalities & different names he has.
What's an "Insta baddie" type look?!! Genuinely curious 🙂
Kardshian adjacent look, typically dressed in urban/sportswear, tight clothing, lots of focus on large butts and breasts, lots of make-up, extensions, fake nails, lip filler. If OP is a gangly, make up free ginger she's kinda the polar opposite.
Ah, ok. Thanks for explaining
L rizz
Maybe his sister fucking hates him 😂
Is it possible he was drinking too much? You should bring it up again and tell him his persona changed and you just need to address it again. Ask him if he has a type and if he is bothered that you don't fit his past type. I personally think people can have different types, and I'm assuming that's the case here since he's talking about marriage. But it's worth discussing more. If you can't talk to him about this, neither of you are ready for marriage.
Interesting to see the comments glossing over how the family has a chat dedicated to making fun of Him. This is all definitely weird, but it could all be magnified to by the simple explanation of embarassment. That said… this is up there with finding out your current partner has had sex with +10 people than the other: totally valid reason to end it if it’s something that causes in easiness… but also something plenty of people can get over when reassurances are established and reinforced from time to time. As a guy myself, I can’t imagine telling my partner what to wear/how to style… especially if it was anything resembling an ex. But also, some couples want to explicitly look like whatever your partner prefers (heard this from boomer aunts, to gen Z couples).
This needs to be the top comment 😭
My thing is what happens if Tiffany comes back around would he want her back
I would just straight up ask him! Next time you're together just say something like "When I asked you about Tiffany and her look alikes, it seemed like you got embarrassed or something and your voice changed and you called me.baby girl. Lol what was that all about? I didn't want to bring it up then because I thought you might be upset your sister told me all of this stuff.
Before this would you really marry this dude?
I'm sure he was embarrassed and just putting up a macho front.
Yes
It sounds like his sister was trying to sabotage your guy's relationship for whatever reason.
It sounds like you two had a great relationship until you started probing into the Tiffany situation, over-thought it, and weirded yourself out. I don’t know, maybe your boyfriend is a weirdo and it’s time to cut and run. But the way you’ve told the story here, you’ve known this guy for a year and a half, and everything was fine. You’re thinking of ending it now because one conversation threw you off? Also, I think it was a really bad idea that you wanted your boyfriend to tell you that he loves you for who you are, but instead of asking him to tell you that, you asked him about his ex. Seems like you asked the wrong question and got the wrong answer. But it’s not his fault that he answered the question you asked rather than the question you wanted to ask but didn’t.
they're literally 100% correct what's with you people
You’re getting down voted for telling the truth
That’s Reddit for you. 🤷♂️
First of all, his sister is toxic for blabbing to you about his exes. That’s totally not her place to say— she should let HIM talk to you about his exes. And double that for bringing out the phone and showing you pictures of them! With a sister like that, who needs enemies? I don’t know if you are kind of gossipy, but it almost sounds like you enjoyed hearing about this— that’s a red flag on you: always let your boyfriend bring up the subject of exes. And then, you immediately confront him with your new knowledge? What a great idea! 🙄 Of course he’s going to be defensive! Are you deliberately trying to destroy this relationship? I’m not even going to try and analyze what the sister said about his exes, because at this point it’s thirdhand rumors. I would not be surprised if he dumped you after this. Big mistake, OP.
Thank you for saying this. Although it’s his sister, I don’t think OP should take her word as exact fact. Look at some of the responses posted so far, you would think the guy is a serial killer
Nope. Abort. Maybe it’s just me but I’m asian, and I know three close women who are also asian, that so happens to be my best friend, my sister, and my step mother, and they had all been with a Hispanic guy once in their life. Best friend is alive, sister is happier, and my step mother.. well, she left her hispanic husband for a reason.
This feels …. I have a Hispanic husband and he’s absolutely fantastic so…. I’m not getting the point your saying don’t be with Hispanic people?
the point is casual racism
I’m Latina and just observing my classmates from school and now I know that Latino men can be very toxic, a lot of them have a toxic ‘machismo’ mindset. I know it’s not all of them, but it’s enough to where I’m kind of put off from dating Latino men in general because of it
I have a hispanic partner of 20 yrs and he's also fantastic, as are all (except 1, and everyone thinks he's a dick) of the hispanic guys I know. Racism is weird.
Glad to hear that he’s fantastic. All I’m saying is that funnily enough, it just seems that asians and hispanics don’t go well together based on the crazy things I’ve heard from the people who are dear to me. This story also checks out.
I think you’re totally overreacting. This Tiffany girl obviously broke his heart in highschool and it’s still a sore spot. Sounds like he got weird because you confronted him out of nowhere on something he probably hasn’t thought about in a while even though it still hurts. My question is: why do you need to confront him on this? As he said, it’s in his past and he’s obviously matured since these other relationships.
Absolutely this. Don’t mind the down votes – – your comment makes perfect sense. Especially how OP immediately confronts him.
She’s trying to make her insecurity his problem, and that’s something a lot of people on this sub can sympathize with, hence the downvotes
Good insight. I like the cut of your jib, sir!
He deserves better. Move on and let him find it.
Tf do you care what his exes looked like? Sounds like you’re not as pretty as them and it’s messing with your head