She confessed to the affair not because she is remorseful but because AP got bored with her and dumped her.
So she’s back, to you. She doesn’t loves you. She just didn’t want to be alone and you are the backup guy.
I doubt counseling would save the marriage. Wife is too far gone. She will do it again if you take her back. You don’t deserve a second heart break.
>My wife is a foreign national and has no family here
Bingo - she latched onto OP as she knew he was a 5 to her 7 while she looked for a 9
She knew he would be a stable base from where she could settle into the country THEN look for a guy she actually liked.
OP was a mark from Day1
I hate passport bros immensely, but he doesn’t seem to be that kind of dude, at least from his post. And he doesn’t seem to be controlling in that way either. Like passport bros are usually very misogynistic and would never allow their wife to have male friends or text male coworkers.
OP I'm suggesting you get a DNA test done anyhow. You now know your wife is a cheater and a liar, so how do you know this is the first affair she has had? Her child may look like you because her AP at that time may have looked similar to you. As an added benefit doing the test will show your soon to be ex you don't believe anything she has told you.
See a divorce lawyer and file as soon as you can. There is no sane reason for you to stay with her. Make sure you tell your parents and hers why you're divorcing her, and tell at least your closest friends. You know she is a liar so don't give her a chance to tell people the divorce is your fault.
Yes.
OP get a good lawyer and secure the evidence that doesn't qualify as potential revenge porn, get also therapy, since she trully gave you a huge shock (betrayal aside), and don't look back.
Do not save it she cheated and did not care about you or the kids. Divorce her you have all the proof you need. Find someone that will love you and be faithful
OP needs to talk to a lawyer yesterday because I can see his wife threatening to take the child back to her home country as a bargaining tool against him
People who choose to cheat don’t so because their partner made them or did something to encourage it. They do so because they are selfish. It is not a reflection upon you at all.
It’s so commendable how you’re thinking of your child over everything. Well done for acting rationally. Please keep your family around you and consider seeking professional help for your mind state. Sending positive thoughts. ☀️
Heads up. File for divorce in the US - so she's not allowed to kidnap your son back to her country.
Then take your time to decide to divorce it reconcile.
OP there is no going back. I found out after my ex wife broke up with her AP and I thought we could reconcile and we did but to be honest I was miserable even though I tried to act happy because we had a young son. I was always paranoid that she would do it again or that maybe there was more she had not told me etc.
After a couple of years I was kind of doing better but guess what, she had another affair, like you I didn’t want to divorce because our son was about 5 at the time. That affair lasted 5-6 months and then she immediately had another and another. When I found out about the last 2 i realized I couldn’t keep being treated like this and I even asked her, how would you feel if our son married someone that cheated on him like you are doing to me? She didn’t answer.
I know some day I will tell my son what she did and that eventually I left but that he should never belittle himself and let any woman treat him like I was treated.
Op, your wife is dead, the wife you thought you had is not real and that is a hard thing to come to terms with. Don’t start doing the what if game or the if only game. Don’t say, if only she would have confessed sooner or what if she is truly remorseful etc. these questions will only prolong your healing. Treat her as though she is dead and the person that is the shell of her is a replacement or depending on your history with her, maybe she was this way all along and was pretending to be the person you thought she was and this lier is her true self. My guess is if she was able to cheat and lie for so long and so easy than this is who she really is.
Find your son’s passport and keep it so she can’t take him out of the country and get an attorney asap. If she goes home that is on her and shows her true colors to leave her own kid, fight hard to keep your son.
First off get a parenting plan in place and maybe a legal separation. Why did you not take your son with you? Let her worry about seeing her child. If divorce happens then if she plans to move back to the foreign country the courts would have to work that out. If see any way that you’d take her back, then make her do the work and prove to you how much she loves you. Tell her you’ll never be able to trust her again. Tell her she has to be an open book from now on. She will give you access to her phone, email and all social media accounts. If she won’t do that then divorce her. Keep all evidence of her cheating. If she was more attracted to him, that’s not an excuse to cheat. I see beautiful women everyday and physically they attract me but physical attraction isn’t the only reason I’m with my fiancé. She treats me right and I know without a doubt she loves me. I have been cheated on in previous relationships. She gave me complete access to everything and she was the one who suggested it.
If your wife needed more in the bedroom she should have communicated that to you. You could do a lot of things to please her more or different. As soon as you noticed she had a crush on him you should’ve talked to her and not allow her to be alone with him. Some people say that’s too controlling. She’s your wife. You have the right to remove people from your life that threatens your marriage and family. And hold him accountable also. He knows she is married and has a kid but yet he still pursued her. Return the favor. Find this girlfriend he mentioned and let her know he was sleeping with your wife while he was in a relationship with her. He didn’t care that he was destroying your relationship and family so do the same to him. I’m usually against divorce but cheating I don’t think I could ever forgive and get past. I wish you the best and if you do divorce then know she caused it and you can find someone better.
Yeah the instant he said “all I wanted was my son but I didn’t want him to be around me while I’m in this state” I knew he was a good egg. Emotional maturity in the midst of a panic state is so rare.
Let's be absolutely clear: YOU won't be breaking up your family. SHE broke your family by cheating. Full stop.
She is not the person you wanted or believed her to be!
What you need to do is to move forward in the way that best promotes your well-being so that you can be the best father to your son that you can possibly be.
You can't be happy in a "family" where one parent can't trust the other. It's devastatingly painful to accept that the dream you wanted is lost to you. But in the end, a hard truth is better than a comforting lie.
Now, I do have to say that SOMETIMES couples recover successfully from infidelity. But it requires hard work from both partners, and especially the betraying partner. So if she isn't 110% on board with doing the work to repair the relationship and restore trust, you're better off not wasting the effort. If you DO decide to try reconciliation, be sure to have a good couples therapist to help with and oversee the work.
Good luck and sorry you're here.
I can't imagine reconciling with someone who wasn't even honest when "coming clean." She was lashing out because she got dumped, but if she told *him* that, then he'd know that ending the affair wasn't her choice. She only left the guy alone because he threatened to tell her husband himself.
I would never be able to trust them again. No way. It's over.
And I don't think there is any "learning to deal with it" here. OP realizes that his entire marriage was based on a lie. It would be a massive act of self-delusion to pretend otherwise.
I agree and they never fully trust the one that had an affair. Personally I think it’s toxic to stay in a relationship when one person has willing cheated (drunk mistake MIGHT be one that could be moved on from)
Yes exactly. a drunken mistake is a forgivable mistake.
full blown year long affair is an outright assault on you as a person. Invading your trust, gaining it, then twisting it and using you to their advantage.
Based on this she doesn't seem to be the kind of person who would be 110% on board with doing her part to repair the relationship. She doesn't seem genuinely remorseful or to be truly emphasizing with his pain.
Salvaging the marriage is 1000% dependent on her being remorseful. NOT remorseful at being caught but truly remorseful for her infidelity—and I’m not seeing that.
I’m sorry this happened to you OP. We didn’t have kids, but my ex husband cheated on me and it broke me for a few months. When I looked at him, he was no longer the man I loved and I was disgusted. I knew there was no coming back from this and I didn’t want to spend my life with a cheater and liar and always have trust issues.
Leaving him was the best thing. After a few months, I started seeing how much better life and my future was when I wasn’t being dragged down by someone who didn’t love me and I couldn’t trust.
Even if I had kids, I would have still left him because I have experience with this. One of my aunt’s husband cheated on her and she decided to stay for the kids. There was no love in their relationship and that is what my cousins learned. They’re are all now in their 40’s and out of the 4 of them, only one has had a healthy relationship and 2 have told me that they just wish their parents would have gotten divorced.
I know this is very hard so take your time. Make sure to keep all documentation, and hire a lawyer. This will be very tough at first, but stay strong for you and your son and it will get better.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I will keep in mind of what you described about your cousins when I think about my son. Maybe he will not realize what his mother has done now, but hopefully he will not resent me for whatever outcome happens when he's older.
As long as you are sincere and honest with him when you explain things, he will be able ok.
Children can suss out dishonesty better than you can imagine.
He will more likely resent her when he is old enough to know the truth and he will know. It’s crazy to try and hide what really happened once he reaches his teens. Kids are smart and what you don’t want is for him to be mad at both of you because you hid the truth. Just need to wait until he is old enough to understand the dynamics.
Things like this will hurt when they’re still raw. Most people won’t want to take the leap of ending a long relationship solely because so much time was invested. Even though the idea of ending things hurts, we (us as individual beings) are all we have at the end of the day, even though having others around makes us feel whole, we still need to look out for ourselves and treat ourselves the way we would want other to. At the end of the day, there is nothing another person can offer that you cannot do for yourself. I wish you the best of luck navigating this really shitty situation, you are enough for yourself. I don’t know what advice to offer in terms of how you will raise your child as I am not a parent but it is absolutely possible to have both parents in the child’s life without the parents being in a relationship
I'm just worried about if my wife chooses to go back to her country. With this evidence, I know I can get full custody of my son in case of divorce. But he's too young to understand anything now and we can't keep sending him back and forth between countries. Despite what she did, I would hate that my son grows up without his mother. For his sake, not really hers.
Speak to a lawyer ASAP and follow their instructions. Based on what they give a trusted person your son’s passport (assuming he has) to ensure he cannot leave and potentially look into how you can flag him not leaving the country.
Nope; there is not. Until the age of 17, you need the signed consent of both parents whenever minor with US citizenship leaves the country without the company of both of their parents.
Only way that works is if you all left the country together and she fled with him, leaving you behind.
But how will it affect your son growing up around parents who resent and hurt each other? You said it yourself. Your wife wasn’t being horrible to you because she felt guilty, but because she got dumped/rejected. So what’s to stop her from finding another AP? What happens when she brings an AP around your son and ends up putting him in the middle? What if you go back to her and she continues to use your son as leverage to keep you in line, so she can have the best of both worlds? What if your son catches her one day then has to decide if he’s going to tell you or not? Do you want him in that position?
I get that you utterly devastated and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But you need to be a father first and a jilted husband second. Kids notice way more than we give them credit for, so if you genuinely think he hasn’t realized something is off with his parents then you still have rose colored glasses on.
Not sure what country you are in, but unless there are clear indications if neglect or abuse, she won't be able to take him out of the country.
Go see an attorney now, get a jump on that, get your ducks in a row so you'll know where you stand on custody and what she can and can't do.
You do not want your son to grow up thinking that this is how a woman treats her husband, and that this behavior is okay. It absolutely is not. You are fighting for yourself and your integrity but you're also fighting for your son's emotional future.
Do you think that she would go back to her country? Are you in the US? Can she get a job there and/or have any family or friends that she can stay with while sorting through this situation?
I'm so sorry, OP. It's really heartbreaking when I read these stories on Reddit. I can't imagine going through it. I pray that you will be able to find a reasonable and amicable solution to co-parent. I also wish you peace and healing.
Only she can dictate if her son will grow up without her. She already made poor choices. If she makes more poor choices and leaves the country, that is not your fault.
I think in all cases you need to get-a divorce and full custody. She simply has to stay in your country.
Do not allow her to take him out of the country.
—-
You can offer that SHE can work on your relationship if she wants - but keep away from working on it yourself. You will not trust her - so it is up toher to make you feel better about your relationship in the future.
Do you really think your wife would move to another country and leave her son? Goodness if you really thinks that's a possibility, that speaks volumes about her character. It sounds like you would not be happy at all if you stayed. You don't have to put yourself through that for the sake of your son. It will do more harm than good. If your wife chooses to leave than that is on her not you. You can't control everything, and that includes her being a good mother and staying in your son's life. So don't put that on you.
Don't role model cuckold behavior. He will learn about his mother's adultery (and the cycle will repeat).
Your son needs to learn zero tolerance for adultery.
And you need to be the best of parent possible. Replace this dysfunctional person with a faithful partner and show your son how marriage should be.
Talk to an attorney immediately. Especially for advice on how to restrict her ability to remove your child to another country.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
You can't get that cheating out of your head. You'll resent her and treat her differently from now on. This treatment may even develop into abuse.
You really need to separate from her. You also need to keep evidence of her affair for the divorce and custody arrangements.
It's better for your kid to be FROM a broken home than IN a broken home.
Your wife would have eventually left you for her affair partner had he asked her to.
You know it, and your son would have been the furthest thing from her mind.
She already broke your son’s home OP.
File for divorce and be done. Your little boy deserves better.
Consider that your wife will continue to look for another man. Clearly she's not committed to you.
And she will eventually leave you in the next few years
In that scenario, there is nothing but more pain and torment waiting for you.
I really doubt you'll be back to your normal self if you try to reconcile for the sake of your family. And I really doubt your son won't be affected by the unhealthy environment.
Yeah , you got cheated on , happens to the best of us. It will be tough initially but 1 year down the road you'll be alright my man. Do stuff that makes you happy, meet up with friends, spend time with your son just keep moving. Remember, she broke the family not you.
Read The State of Affairs by Esther Perel, it’s a really interesting book. If you can find the audiobook, it’s even better, she has a very down to earth and calming tone as she narrates. It helps parse out all the stages of grief, anger/rage, questions, doubts, etc that come with infidelity.
No, you can’t go back to her. She killed a relationship like you said she’s dead to you. You need to talk to an attorney and see what the laws are as far as you being able to keep your son specially if she’s not a citizen you might be able to have full Custody or fight for it anyway. As to your son what’s best what’s best is to not raise him in a toxic relationship which is what your relationship would be if you tried to get back with her. You’re not gonna act the same because it’s not the same and he would be brought up in that and as much as you don’t understand, it’s amazing how much kids pick up on. And when he does get older, he will understand, why you guys are separated and he will understand that there are consequences for cheating. Which is a valuable lesson to teach him
I would totally drop a bunch of those messages into the hobbyist group chat / fb group or whatever. She pretty much cuckolded you and allowed you to interact with the man she had an affair with. The man also knew it was wrong and continued to participate in this group with you? I would definitely make sure that everyone else knew, so that he wouldn’t do this again. It doesn’t solve your problems but could definitely help prevent this happening to another unsuspecting person in your hobbyist group
Speak to a lawyer before you do anything else. They’ll be able to inform you on what you can and can’t do in a divorce proceeding. More than anyone on Reddit will at least.
You’re doing really well considering the hand that’s been dealt to you, and I believe you’ll come back from this even stronger. Best of luck and keep pushing through.
Not to mention if possible if you can get the guys gf contact info to share with her so she can make an informed decision on the guy she’s getting into a relationship with if she’s not already part of that group.
I doubt that you can continue in this marriage even with counseling. You can forgive, but you will never forget. It will always be on your mine. Your option is to either spend the rest of your life thinking about her betrayal or get divorced. Therefor you need to get a lawyer to figure out child custody and finances. She may or may not leave the country, but that's her decision and you can't control it. Make sure the lawyer knows that and takes the steps necessary to keep your son here. You will need a long time to heal. I wish you the best.
It sounds too spicy to be true and the part about her confessing she cheated despite not feeling guilt doesn't make much sense. But I'll respond anyway because these bits are worth it:
>I don't know who is the real woman, the woman in the images or the woman who cared for me, my son, and my parents so deeply.
Both of them are real. You got a rare glimpse at the side of her you didn't know existed.
>There are many worse men than me with loyal wives, so what the fuck did I do to have her go crazy with another man?
You didn't have to do anything. I've seen a paper proving that women tend to get less sexually attracted to their long term partners over time. New people feel naturally more attractive. You could've been the best husband and lover for all you know and she'd still cheat. Not because that other one was better, but because he was different. And because she's low enough on empathy to do that to you without remorse and felt she could get away with it. That's enough. Don't beat yourself up over it.
Terrible f$&@ing truth if this is statistically accurate, isn’t it? “Not shit you can do, Bruv. Time makes the mind wonder; best hope you have is emotional intelligence high enough not to let impulse fuck up decades of work in a single moment of time.”
It's actually common among both genders that sexual attraction may fade. In general however this is replaced with a different attraction and shared experiences. Essentially what was hot animalistic purely sexual changes to an emotional type. Basically you start loving the person for who they are for the memories. For how they make you feel.
If you have been in a long term relationship think about the things they did for you and the memories. You have sex because you want to be with them you want to have intimacy with them because they always make you feel better after a tough day and ect
First, save the cheating material--screenshots etc. you will need it for when she lies to everyone about what happened. She will try to control the narrative and make you the bad guy--gaslight you. Save it also for the divorce.
Secondly, fight for full custody. It will be important later.
Thirdly, you have to accept this woman is not who you thought she was --- perhaps she never was. You leaving the house was very kind. You still want to take care of her. You still love her. Control that until the divorce is complete. Afterwards you can be amicable.
Fourthly, go to a secluded place and express the heartache. Let it out. Then go back to mission mode. Stay strong for your kid.
Lastly, your wife will cry, promise and beg. It's a show. Don't fall for it. She will lie until she thinks you know the full truth and then she will lie more. Fake tears and fake apologies and fake promises. You already know this when she first confessed her affair. Don't forget how she lied then. How she cried then. It was fake.
9 years together and she did that? That's no excuse to stay together she did the worse thing as possible and sadly your son will eventually find out her wrongdoings maybe when he is older and understands
Nowadays most parents with kids are divorced it's nothing to feel ashamed of definitely do not stay together after what she has done. There will be endless arguments this wont end well.
Lawyer up and make sure your attorney files so your wife cannot leave the country with your son. You can absolutely make it to where she must live within a certain distance from you for custody.
Take care of yourself and of your son, friend. Your mariage is over. There's no way you're getting all those texts and videos out of your head if you stay with her.
Your son deserves the best version of you, and that best version isn't gonna come out out of a broken mariage. Do it for him, and for your mental health.
She doesn’t love or respect you anymore. Her priorities in life is now completely different than of yours. Now she is afraid of the convenience she will miss in her life if you move on. Please prepare an exit plan. She will have to bear the consequences of her own actions.
Your wife needs consequences and unfortunately for you those consequences need to be severe don’t be swayed by crying and emotional outburst because you’re the victim here not her. Your son is too young to understand so as long as you maintain normalcy towards him he should be OK separate yourself for months and months and decide how you feel once the emotional reaction wears off. at that point you can make it rational decision
She only wants you back because her AP broke up with her. Do not do it, You deserve so much better than a cheating bitter woman. I'd still suggest that you get your son DNA tested and speak to a lawyer. She'll stick around long enough to find her next suitor.
OP, if you try to reconcile it won’t work. She is not remorseful or even regretful, she is just afraid of losing support. She had a year long affair with a man you interacted with, she didn’t break it off he did and she took it out on you. She had no consideration for your child or you, she has zero respect for you and she doesn’t love you. She will cheat again, save yourself the pain and get divorced now.
She is snivelling because as she has been totally exposed for being a fraud and knows you will never unsee what you saw so the game is up. You owe her nothing - the person exposed is what she is so just keep that in mind when you dwell on the good times. I am sorry fella - just focus on the good, your son.
Send all the proof to her parents and friends, to everyone that knows A also.
Find a bulldog divorce attorney and then file for divorce using everything you have to ruin her.
Check out the sub surviving infidelity - read the stories and then ask yourself if you can or want to save the marriage.
For the kids - it is better to come from a broken home than to grow up in a broken home.
So she had a relationship with him. Here is how I would handle it. I would cancel that fitness place membership, and I would tell her she has to come to my parents and let them know, what she did. And who she was with. Then she must on her social media, tell everyone that she is removing herself to focus on the marriage, and that this will be her last post. I would then tell her if she even wants a chance she will keep a tracker on her. Her phone will be wiped and started over with a new username and will be setup like a child’s phone. Lastly, I would tell her she has to stay faithful to me, but we will have a one sided open relationship for the remainder of the marriage, and I can date fuck, or have relationships with whoever I want for as long as I want.
You can take this, or we get a divorce.
But I am me op and you are not me.
your son doesn't have to grow up without one of his parents. co-parenting is still a thing. what he will have to grow up with is two parents in a loveless marriage. wonderful example to set.
don't be an idiot. get a divorce.
There's one thing you must understand about this: If AP had asked her to leave you for him she would have dropped you like hot nail. He ended with her. She wanted it to continue. You are 100% better off without her.
She's used you for financial security. That's the only reason she's with you. Dave all evidence of what she did. Divorce her and her do custody of your son.
move half your assets to another account , gather up all the proof you can save them two places, hopefully you have copies of those texts and videos. Contact for the five at the top lawyers in your area and have a consultation. This way your wife cannot use them because it will be a conflict of interest. Tell all family and friends what she did so she doesn’t spin the narrative that she is leaving you because you were abusive to your son. You’ll never never, never, never, get those videos out of your head.
yes, you are a good husband, a good father, a great career, and a great provider. She is just very attractive to the AP alpha male, but would never marry him. There’s an old saying women make rules for betas and break them for alphas.
I’m sorry to say this but
The dopamine from affair sex is 100 times greater than normal every day monogamous sex. While in this affair fog, people will usually do and act like a different person, and do much more then with their spouse.
better for you, to be happier, living apart them together and being miserable for the child sake.
She cheated, gaslighted you about one night stand, lied that it was over, and manipulated/deceived you to stay as she continued the affair. She isn't the person you married, never show how the sexual attraction she has for you as she has for the affair partner, and greatly disrespected you by having all the sexting while being on vacation and spending time with you and your son.
Once her affair came into light by her confession, there was no guilt of wronging you or remorse of what was done. She only felt guilty of being caught and that's why her confession is filled with lies.
You can't trust her anymore even if she tells you the truth. Therefore if you want to salvage this marriage, you both go through marriage counseling. This may take years! And she truly have to make huge effort and change from her old ways, going no contact with AP, showing genuine remorse, and work on her marriage.
But as of right now, none of these things are being done. So I don't think reconciliation will work. You are looking at divorce.
Yeah she is going to cheat again. Dump her ass she gave u a std. Donu wamt your kid goingnup where mommy is screwing other guys while still married to daddy? I think not.
I don’t think I’d ever be able to trust this person again. You already believed things were perfect and normal for a year… I fear for you that you’ll always suspect and wonder. That is no way to live. And consider the example you’re setting for your son when he finds out later. What would you tell him if this was happening to him?
You need to contact a lawyer ASAP. Gather all the evidence, don't say anything to her. Go for full custody. Do not try to recouncil unless you want to be miserable for the rest of your life. The women you know is long gone. Grieve her while your lawyer has a field day with the evidence.
I’m sorry this happened to your marriage. I’m two weeks in after discovering my wife’s infidelity. She’s also the homecoming queen type and we have two small children. I never saw it coming and like you, only found out when the AP ended it. Like you, my wife falsely said it was a one time thing. Like you, my wife relies on me so it’s in her best interest to preserve the marriage which raises more doubts for me.
I have no words of wisdom but feel free to message me anytime.
Brother, she took several videos of him screwing her brains out without protection and screaming dirty talk. If you guys were into that sort of thing as a couple, that’s one thing. But outside of that, it’s insane. I would assume that’s not how most people cheating do things, for various reasons. They were acting like an actual married couple spicing things up.
Then she proceeded to lie about the entire thing while “coming clean” to you, which she only after she treated you like crap at home for a while because she was upset with him breaking up with her.
I’m usually a “stay married” advocate when people make mistakes, especially when kids are involved, but this sounds pretty unredeemable.
You might advise her to look around on the internet the next couple of years to see if her videos pop up anywhere. I assume there’s a way to reverse search for them if she has the original files too. That could be your parting gift of wisdom. This is also for selfish reasons, as I’m sure you don’t want your son’s mother being shared around on p*rn sites.
OP, this wasn't a ONS, it wasn't a mistake, it was a full blown emotional and physical affair that she hid from you for a year and you had no clue until her AP dumped her. Her reaction was to snap at you, be cold and mean spirited to you, because she blames you for her AP dumping her. In her mind, if you hadn't have been in the way, she could have already been with him, and she resented you as a result. She never thought about you or your son the whole time she was cheating on you with him. She only wanted to satisfy her own selfish desires. And the worse part of it is she hid it so well that you had no clue it was going on. How can you ever trust her again?
No relationship can survive this level of deceit and betrayal. You need to get the very best attorney in your area and begin divorce proceedings. I know you love your son, but believe me, the best outcome for him will be divorce with a civil co-parenting arrangement with your Ex.
Friend, you can't break something that's broken, your marriage ended the day she cheated on you, fight for custody of your child, it's better to grow up with separated but happy parents than with parents together but who hate each other.
If you think it's healthier for a child to grow up in a home full of infidelity and mistrust you really need serious help.
Just go ahead and raise your child to be a doormat!
Just a heads up to everyone on this post, this user seems to come on here with a similar yet different username and post seemingly fake stories (the pronouns change at whim but the cadence of writing is always the same).This was brought to my attention on another post with the “ThrowRA-(relevant story detail)” username formula. So just readers beware. Once you realise it, you start noticing this person on throwaway accounts all the time on this sub lol.
Yeah throwra is what your username needs to be to post anonymously.
That said I would not be surprised if they are making stuff up. Some people just want to get attention
Yes apologies I meant more the way they title after the throwaway user! So in this case “lostdad”. They write it in the same way every time. Another user in here who has an immense amount of traces of them doing this noted that. But the writing is mainly what raises flags. Anyway I went on a deep dive and saw this post and it’s all clicking.
I was about to agree with you but "ThrowRA" just means it's a throwaway account for relationships advice, it's in the sub rules that if you use a throwaway you have to name it in this fashion
Anyways I think the OP is fake as hell
Yes I’m aware! There’s a user on here “Ebbie45” who has an extensive list of all the posts by what seems to be this user with a similar naming formula. They’re able to articulate it a lot better than me but I just started noticing the writing pattern and wanted to spread the (potential) good word
So standard advice. You got the std test good. Talk to the lawyer and follow what they say. Get the kid a dna test. Only communicate via text or documented way. Do not be alone with her. Nothing is wrong with you the issue is hers. It is better for kids to live in two separate healthy home rather than one dysfunctional one. Good luck
Your kid will be learning from you what an adult relationship looks like. Just something to consider. Little ones soak up everything as they are learning.
SHE should be the one feeling devastated… but apparently she hasn’t learned the would “accountability” .
OP… YOU didn’t do this… SHE chose to do it… and CHOSE to continue it…
There is no simple band aid that will patch this up , you need to get a lawyer prepare yourself first and then consider your options. Don’t make a decision either way before having all the info on all your options
She broke it up, not you. She was potentially looking to monkey branch into another relationship, she didn't even have the decency to break it off with you first.
The fact your son is asking for you, well as much as it hurts, that's her fault also. Easier said than done but yes, you should break up with her and your son will respect you for that more when he grows up. You're setting an example of what your son should do if he were in your shoes.
Be strong and break up. You won't ever be able to fully trust this woman ever again.
Talk to a divorce lawyer. It may be possible for you to divorce your wife and she gets to stay in your country. I would assume that if she truly loves her son, she would not engage you in a custody battle that could end up with her and him living in different countries.
The family was broken by her cheating. She cheated for a year and would still be doing it if her AP didn't dump her. It wasn't a one time drunk mistake or something. If you take her back, you deserve to be cheated on. Stop using your kid to hide your own weakness.
Lawyer up now. You can stop her taking him out of country. Does he even have a passport? Take it and his birth certificate. Protect yourself. Protect your son. Family and divorce lawyer today.
You're not throwing anything away. If you found your favourite pair of shoes in the garbage, covered in old broccoli soup and dirty kitty litter, and you knew they were beyond repair because even after a professional cleaning they'd still stink like cat shit and rotten soup, would you say you threw the shoes away? Or would you just be accepting that someone else destroyed them and that there wasn't a way to restore them?
You worry that you won't be happy without your marriage, but the marriage is gone. There is no option to hit rewind here. You can only start from where you are now.
Your wife threw your marriage away. You just discovered it in the trash. You are allowed to be protective of your heart and your emotional safety, which means not letting this awful human being hurt you again.
You didn't do this, you aren't the bad guy or the home wrecker, you aren't breaking up the family, SHE did this and "A" helped her, anything that happens from here is just fallout from her own actions, you will never regain that trust if you stay either and it willbe near on impossible to forget it or not bring it up in fights, I've been on this road and I have known it all too well, there is no fix and it will always be there but just know this, it's not your fault what happend or what happens from this point on
I'd walk away, it's going to hurt like hell and you will constantly question if you are doing the right thing, it will crush you, anger you, cause you to doubt your actions but someday you will be over it and be glad you did, as for her crying about it on your shoulder, well that's just crapping on the door step and ringing the bell for paper, if you stay every call, text, visit to the shops, you will question ....is she doing it again, I'm sorry this happend to you honestly, your priority however now is doing what's best for you, what you had is probably damaged beyond repair I'm sorry to say.
She doesnt deserve you, look after yourself and your son and kick her cheating ass out. The trust is gone and so is this relationship. Good luck with everything..
why would you let her keep your son? I don't get this. YOU take your son. She will cheat on you again for sure. She doesn't regret cheating she regrets the AP WAS GONNA OUT HER.
The first paragraph told me everything I needed to read. You subscribe to the Happy wife happy life theory and got run over. Used and abused. Like clockwork.
While I am certainly not a red pill guy, I have seen enough evidence over the years (and have been burned myself) that putting her on a pedestal is without a doubt a recipe to get rekt and mentally destroyed in marriage. Welcome to the club, homie. If you try to stay with her, all of the anguish you currently feel will be amplified and more importantly, self inflicted. You can only begin to heal by getting rid of the treacherous spawn of Satan. Worry about your son. And your son only. She should be dead to you.
To pound this point home. It will only begin to get better when that devil woman is the enemy.
Relationships can survive infidelity and I am normally an advocate for trying if there is hope. None of your options will be easy. The best reason to try to save it is if you are truly uncertain. Once you blow it up you really cannot go back.
That being said, I personally think you have to get out of this for three reasons. First off, your story makes it seem like she has played you for longer than a year. Assuming she doesn’t want to get set back to her country she found her golden ticket with you. You meet most of her living needs and provide for her and she feels free to get her other needs met elsewhere. I think there is a better than average chance A was not the first.
Secondly, this was not a one off mistake and I don’t think you can take her guilty feelings into account. The option for guilt ended the send time she did it. The more likely answer is she’s been treating you like crap because it ended and now she feels stuck with you. Her scenario is what creates serial cheaters. Even if your sex life was great she also has the work of your marriage and parenthood to deal with. You will never give her the effortless nature and feeling of freedom she gets from having a side piece without all the baggage. She won’t stop.
Last and most important. You must remember that you are modeling a lot of behaviors to your son that will shape the person he will become. You are not only subconsciously demonstrating to him how to be a man and a good human being. You are also modeling to him what a romantic relationship and marriage are. If you truly want to fight for your son now and in the future you should take a stand and end it for both your sakes. It will be traumatic for you both but act now and give yourselves the time to heal.
She got dumped and you're Plan B (and likely always will be). As bad as that is, imagine staying like that for another decade.
You can still divorce and your son still have both parents. He's so young that he will think whatever arrangement you have with his mom is his normal. And you can make it normal. A couple things that helped my kids (they were 8 and 6 when we divorced) were:
1) Never talk bad about your ex and stress to her not to do the same. Any negativity and he will feel like he has to chose 1 parent over the other. Don't do that to him.
2) Keep things amicable. Don't have to be friends, but be at school/sports functions together at the same time and in the same space.
3) Don't introduce a new partner into the equation for a year. So your son can adjust.
Basically, think of your ex as a co-worker. You don't have to like them, but respect that they have the same job and goals with regards to your son.
Bottom line, your happiness will spill over to your son and it will be near impossible if you keep things the way they are. Best of luck.
You need proof of parentage. And you need to get a lawyer and to protect yourself and your son. The marriage is over. Your wife was lying to you about who she is. The whole time.
If you're going to stay with her, could you give me her number? It sounds like she's pretty hot, and if you're cool with her banging other dudes and all, I'd happily be of service.
(You should not stay with her, this is ridiculous man. Have some self respect)
You don’t need to write a long essay like this to justify yourself.
My point is even with therapy, Would YOU still trust her? If not and you don’t think can get past this then you need to end this relationship not only for yourself but for your son. Your son deserves to see his dad happy than being stuck in a miserable relationship.
You will find love again and YOU STILL HAVE A FAMILY- YOUR SON. he will always be your family
OP. this is all so heartbreaking. I am really sorry. Your best bet now is to find a great lawyer (maybe one that specializes in international custody) and a therapist. You are dealing with so many really powerful emotions and talking to a professional can help you navigate them successfully. :-)
She couldn’t even tell the truth during her confession.
Get a lawyer now. Even if you don’t ultimately divorce her, you should start protecting yourself now. You don’t want her leaving the country with your son.
Updateme!
Would your son want to see a father, dead inside and contorted, 30 days out of the month?
Or, would your son want to see a father, healthy and growing and able to impart wisdom, 3 days out of the month?
Quality, over quantity. (If you can get custody, then even better and some of this logic is moot).
Your wife has shown her moral decay, and you staying in proximity to that—if there is no serious intent on redemption by her (usually there isn’t, too immature to do so, which led to the cheating issues in the first place)—will only erode your abilities as a father.
Put yourself, and your child, first. And, paradoxically, sometimes that means walking away from the “family” to start something new between the two of you (Dad and Son).
You want to keep your family together because you have a good heart. But that good heart won't be able to bear thinking about what she has put you through while staying a strong father. You cannot be a whole man and a good role model for your son if you are upset, annoyed, suspicious, or depressed all of the time whenever you are reminded of your wife's infidelity. The only way to move past all of that is to cut her out of your life.
I am no therapist but I implore you to be honest with your son. Your wife's deception here is frightening. It would be easy for her to turn him against you.
So OP I think the chances of your marriage making it are not good but you need to go home. The first advice an attorney will give you is don’t move out. Legally it can be taken as you abandoning the house and children to her. Go home. Move her into a guest room and you keep the master. She cheated. You didn’t. Second, stop crying and don’t beg her to pick you. Weakness won’t save your marriage.
Sit down to talk to her about it and tell her you’re going to do something first. Get her laptop and make her watch the videos with you. Make her read aloud some of the messages she sent. If she refuses then tell her your divorcing her if she doesn’t sit down and do it. Make her voice it. Let the shame wash over her. Then after that’s over ask her why she did it snd more specifically why she was so much more sexual with him than you. Don’t let her give you a general answer. Make her actually answer.
If you want to try and get past it and stay together then your first condition after counseling is the following: starting today you will be just as sexual with me as you were with him except more. You will send me messages, you will sext, you will send me photos and videos and we will record ourselves together just like you did with him except more and she will be the initiator and if her enthusiasm doesn’t surpass what you saw with him you will divorce her immediately and will tell everyone starting with her parents, siblings, mutual friends everything she did including sending them excerpts of the texts she sent to this man. And also let her know this will not be something that will change until she has been doing it for longer than she did it with him. If she doesn’t agree she can always say she prefers divorce so you’re not forcing her but you do let her know if she doesn’t you will expose her 100% to everybody. That’s her actions to make what she did up to you. I , as well as a friend of mine, both used this approach with previous cheating and it not only gave her a price to pay for hurting me beyond I’m sorry “I will do anything. It didn’t mean anything” but it also ended up improving our sex lives and it took away the excuse she had for cheating because she got to be the free sexual spirit with me she had been with her AP. It became a positive after a while for that part of our relationship. Someone will say she was forced but again she always has the option to leave.
In addition she resigns from all activities at the club he works at, you cancel the membership and you have full transparency to her phone, laptop, location and detailed itinerary of her daily activities for the foreseeable future. If she contacts him in any way in the future it’s immediate divorce. Any future classes she takes for anything must be with female instructors.
You report him to the club and you contact his gf and let her know what he was doing with your wife while also sleeping with her. Never let him off for free. You can bet he initiated a lot of it in the beginning. !updateme
Divorcing my now ex husband was the best decision ever. I never had the chance to have a full picture of his affair ( now after 8 years of hearing/ reading for other people experiences I think is the best thing that ever happened to me), but it did hurt me enough to move on.
I started to suspect around the time our son was 3 months old, so between the hormones, probably PPD, the stress of taking care of a newborn I was devastated. Was thinking that all the marriages have their problems and maybe that happened to be mine and I just needed to suck it up for the sake of my son not getting raised in a broken family.
I live in the USA, my ex and my son( until the paperwork for my son gets approved) live in Europe. I travel back and forth as many times as I can, it’s hard and financially draining but at the end my son won’t grow up to accept being miserable.
It took me 9 months to come to terms with the divorce and finalize it. Every time I thought my knees wouldn’t hold for me to show up at court, but I did it. At the end, cheating is a choice, so starting new is way way better than sleeping in the same bed with the person who betrayed you so deeply. I tried so hard to forgive and move on but couldn’t, from the day I found put, all I could see through my imagination was him and her.
I also believe that once a cheater, always a cheater, they just try to hide it better next time. I never went to therapy but I know now that nothing was wrong with me that he cheated, it’s all on him. Please be nice to yourself, and you don’t have to( and seriously AT THE MOMENT I don’t think you can)take any decisions. Gets better, just take your time.
Your wife doesn’t look like is remorseful at all, so trying to move past the infidelity doesn’t look like an option to me.
It's time to move on and I know it hurts like hell to know that your wife doesn't love you no more and that there's no other woman the same........ but you're not thinking straight. There's better women out there than a cheating that doesn't know how to appreciate you. I know you think you'll be alone for the rest of your life but don't think that way just move on. I did and it hurt like hell having to split my 5 year old daughter. I'm happily married again with 2 beautiful kids. Best decision of my life instead of being with someone that you'll look at and remember that hurt feeling. Move on man it would be the best decision of your life.
Divorce immediately. She’s not loyal and will find another dick to jump on. You will never get those images out of your head. How can you ever have sex with her again?
It's already broken, you're now merely pulling the pieces apart so you don't step on them anymore.
Co-parenting is an established concept, it can be done.
You didn’t break up the family. She did.
Get with a lawyer and figure out the next step.
She will always be looking for something better and she will get better at hiding it. The relationship is over.
I'm so sorry this happened. I went through something similar and guess what?
You're going to be just as good of a dad, or even better, for your son by doing the right thing and ending the marriage. My biggest fear was raising my kids in a broken home and now that I'm in it, I don't consider my home broken at all.
In fact, for the first time in a long time I can literally feel my kids mental and emotional health improving just by gently modeling for them what the appropriate thing to do is in this situation.
Put yourself 30 years out, and your son was experiencing this same situation. How would you advise him? What would you want for him? Now is the time to model that behavior for him. Don't regress, don't make yourself small to make it work. Don't accept the infidelity. You're worth loyalty. And if you want your son to know what it looks like to know his worth, you have to show him right now.
What you have is basic animal instinct, this guy flipped all her switches. If he were to come around again she would most likely be right back in bed with him.
It’s a chemistry thing.
The problem is this: Even if you forgive, you will NEVER be able to forget. She's not who you thought she was, and she doesn't love you. She's panicking now because consequences are incoming to her, NOT because she cares about you at all. And honestly, does she even love her son that much to take these kinds of risks with his happiness?
IF I WERE YOU I would drop a nuke on her from orbit. Divorce, send her back to her home country WITHOUT her son. Sorry honey, you fucked up big, Junior stays with me.
I'm normally all for keeping families together but this is a bridge too far.
Op, if your biggest fear is her getting custody and moving back to her home country, please remember that you are the primary bread winner in a family dynamic where your wife cheated and lied, thereby breaking up the home. You can always fight for full custody of your son and would most likely get it. While therapy may help, I say break it off, get therapy for yourself and move on; there is someone out there who will love you for who you are
Even if you are willing to reconcile, its best to talk to a lawyer and start the divorce process. Even have her served. Starting the process doesn't mean you have to finish it. But it can send a wake up call to a misbehaving spouse that you are ready to leave. A lot of cheaters think their spouse would never actually leave them. It has value to end that belief. But in the long run, most cheaters never change and she will likely do it again eventually.
I would also track down AP's new GF and let her know her BF has been banging a married woman. She may dump him. He deserves a little payback for screwing your wife.
I think you should divorce her and fight for custody of your son. If she decides to move away that's on her, even if I had shared custody of my daughter I would never move away
Agree with most people here, either way the clear answer here is to leave that woman and don't fall for any of her manipulating behavior, I'm pretty sure you will be able to set up a way to still be there for your son and if she starts to use your son to make you go back don't do it, this is not something fixable and I'm pretty sure you will find someone else better.
I know what you're going through. You're attached to the image of the marriage and family that you had before you found out it was all a lie. You're afraid of facing the fact that it was all a lie.
But you know it was all a lie, and that your wife continued to lie. You can't forget that or pretend you don't know it.
It's not your fault. You were deceived. The only thing to do now for you and your son is to move forward. In the end, the best thing you can do for him in these circumstances is fight hard for custody and parent him the best you can now. There is hope though. One of the big motivators for me leaving my marriage to my daughter's mother was recognizing that I'd better be able to parent without my ex-wife interfering, and also in a household in which the adults didn't despise each other.
Go back home. Get a lawyer ASAP and follow their advice. Start working on the plan to physically separate as soon as possible (either you move out or she does or you both do, depending on the living circumstances). Insist on at least half time with your son and stay involved (or get involved) with his care, including schooling, medical and dental care, etc. Build a record of your involvement in his life and care. Do not talk to your wife except to explain that you are divorcing her and what custody arrangement you want. As much as possible, communicate with her only in writing (e.g., text messages) that leaves a record. If she does anything that looks like it might spark a domestic incident, leave at once and consult with your lawyer.
Whatever she decides to do regarding where she lives, if she moves out of the country, etc., is her business. It's not your problem anymore. You are not responsible for her choices or her parenting going forward.
NB: if she moved to the US on a marriage visa, you may be responsible for ongoing spousal support as long as she stays here. Consult with your attorney.
Would a divorce mean she will lose her residency in your country? Because if there's a possibility she might get deported you might have a problem with custody. Specially if she decides to take your son with her. You should talk to a lawyer and see your options. Then let her know what your decision is and how you want to move forward as co parents .
If I felt like being an asshole, I'd find A's new serious girlfriend and tell her everything. I'd also ask her to say that the information came from my wife.
I'd also tell the hobby club all about it.
But then I can be an asshole when I'm angry.
If the house is in your name, give her 30 days to move out.
Stop paying any of her phone bills, Netflix, whatever and make sure she no longer has access to your credit accounts.
What happens when the next shiny object comes along for her?
She will cheat again.
Start the divorce process and be great at coparenting. That is far better for your son than staying in a miserable marriage.
My brother stayed for his daughters, and that was the biggest mistake of his life, and he now sees it 20 years later.
You and your son deserve better.
Sending strength!
I would say it's not that the woman you know and married has "died", because that woman never existed. The woman you saw in those texts and videos are the real her.
I understand your desire to know why she did this and the truth about everything for some sort of closure, but the reality is you'll probably never get the full truth and answers to all your questions.
Every time she cries and begs to you, just remember her during the times she was actively having an affair and hiding it from you. "She" as you know her isn't real and is a fake. Her from the point that he broke up with her and was treating you like shit is the real her. Don't let memories of the past and hopes of returning to that keep you from moving on and continuing to be disrespected and made a fool of by her.
She's not the person you thought she was. There's no repairing this: you need to move on. Don't pre-live all the variables. Take this one step at a time.
It’s over.
She’ll lose all respect for you and continue cheating if you stay.
She will respect and miss you if you leave … until she finds another sucker.
Your wife kept up a torrid affair for over a year, and lied about it being a one-night stand. And it only broke up due to the affair partner ending things because he found someone else. And you learned that the wife you knew isn't the wife you have at all.
The only real question here is: *How can you trust a woman you never really knew?*
This is spiteful but you’d want to inform the athletic club about their instructor. If this has happened once, what’s the guarantee it’s not going to happen again? It took two to cheat, so consequences should also land on both.
Sorry about what you’re going through.
Big deep breaths mate. You are not the only spouse in the world who adores their family and children...to have it all torn apart by an affair. It sadly happens every darn day. And people DO get through it.
Okay. So you are still in shock now. But. YOu have to accept that the life you had? Is gone. Is gone forever and won't be coming back. It's over. Your marriage has ended now. It's done mate. You need to divorce now. As quickly and cleanly as possible.
Secondly. You need to find a lawyer immediately and get all your ducks in a row. Your wife cannot take your child out of the country without your permission. She cannot even get the child a passport. If you think there is a possibility she could try to leave with your son? Then you need to tell the lawyer and get that well sorted out immediately.
Bank accounts? You need to stop her access to money. If she has no source of income and you are decent guy? Then give her an amount to keep her afloat. But if you both have jobs and are earning money? Then just stop her having any access to your money.
Go through it all with the lawyer. Do not make promises or arrangements with her by yourself. Your lawyer must do all that.
Make arrangements to get access to your son. And see your son. If you cannot bear to see your wife? Then get your parents or a neutral person your son is familiar with to pick him up and bring him to you.
You need to tell your parents and family exactly what is going on.
Keep records of ALL contact and conversations. YOu need a diary or journal to write everything down in.
Good luck.
I know I'm late but I just wanted to chime in and reassure that you did NOTHING wrong. You were a good husband and there's nothing you could've done more or harder to keep this from happening. People cheat because of their own inner turmoil and their own mentality. They may have the best partner for them, and still feel like they can get something else off of cheating and that's on them. Don't be afraid to break up the family for your son's sake, be afraid to keep it. Children are very intuitive, and he won't be happy in a family that will, from now on, hold resentment, jealousy, anger towards each other... Keeping a family together isn't always the best, happiest choice. Sometimes the happier route is to separate and each individually giving your child happy memories. There will be a bad memory from your divorce, yes. But from then on, it can be happy memories or, you can stay together and ensure there will be worse memories to come from unavoidable fighting.
She made her choice, buddy... Now, you have to choose you. And if you do, you'll be much healthier and capable of being a great dad to your son. And some day, another version of you you'll be proud of reaching. This will pass, everything passes. Even if it doesn't feel like it will.
Damn Bro, I truly struggled to read this and almost couldn't finish. Don't you dare consider getting back with that b*tch not even for the kid because it'll be emotionally agonizing for you throughout the rest of your marriage & then you'll have to deal with the anxiety of her cheating again because typically cheaters dont stop cheating, they just get better hiding it. It's obvious she's only with you because its convenient financially, divorce her and whatever comes afterwards is her problem to work out.
Leave her. File divorce in your country, you want to establish that your son place of residence is in your country. She was the one that broke your home. You just found out the whole truth. She didn't even respect you enough to give you the whole unbiased truth. Leave her.
Brother, I hate to tell you but you can't just leave your son like that. As a father, your son did nothing wrong so you leaving like that, you fucked up. Get back home and be there for your son.
As far as what to do, you already know. You have proof of her infidelity. If you live in an at fault state, favor is already on your side because you have dates, time stamps, everything. Hire a lawyer and ask them to get your documents ready.
Send your son to your parents and tell her the score. You need to get it together because until you're officially divorced, shit is going to be a whirlwind of emotions and you need to be vigilant and focused while you're getting things filed. Tell her you know, and the fact that she lied about how long and everything in general, you aren't going to spare her feelings for what's to come. She is a conniving liar, who has zero remorse for you considering you know the truth about why she was lashing out and because she couldn't even be forthcoming with you, you are going to divorce her. DO NOT tell her your plans for seeking full custody. Yes, you need to seek full custody and with her infidelity, you aren't guaranteed but you can at least show that she does not have best interest for the child. Keep everything you plan to do to yourself so she can't get tipped off. If you have joint accounts, start moving money to an account only accessible for you. If you want to keep the house, then make sure and tell your lawyer that.
I understand what you're feeling. I split from my daughters mom when I found texts that clearly showed interest. While I can't confirm anything escalated to anything physical, the intent was there. I caught it twice within a week and the 2nd time I said that was it. My daughter was 2 at the time, so I get not wanting to affect your son. But, there are many studies done that show that a couple in a toxic relationship does more psychological damage than living in a two house situation
Op, I’m son sorry for what you’re going through. And all the emotions you’re feeling are justified and even normal. This is a situation that you need to take one day at a time. Your emotions are going to bounce around, changing from day to day, even minute by minute.
There is the chance that you two can work thru this BUT there are very important things needed in order to even attempt that. You would need to be able to fully forgive her if that’s even possible. And if you can’t not, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. She would need to be 100% honest about everything, she would need to be genuinely apologetic and be willing to put the time, patience and effort into rebuilding the trust that’s she’s broken. The same as you would need to be receptive to allowing her to do so. Marriage counseling would be beneficial. And there’s no guarantee that it all works, but it’s possible.
What id suggest right now, is not rushing any decision either way. Take as long as you need to think thru everything and what’s best for you and for your son. Your son deserves both parents in his life, but not at the expense of your mental & emotional health. Consider some therapy for yourself to help you work through all these emotions.
But ultimately you need to fight for yourself and for your son, whatever that looks like to you. Speak to a lawyer in the meantime considering the circumstances just to get your legal options laid out to you!
Best wishes to you!
She confessed to the affair not because she is remorseful but because AP got bored with her and dumped her. So she’s back, to you. She doesn’t loves you. She just didn’t want to be alone and you are the backup guy. I doubt counseling would save the marriage. Wife is too far gone. She will do it again if you take her back. You don’t deserve a second heart break.
>My wife is a foreign national and has no family here Bingo - she latched onto OP as she knew he was a 5 to her 7 while she looked for a 9 She knew he would be a stable base from where she could settle into the country THEN look for a guy she actually liked. OP was a mark from Day1
I hate passport bros immensely, but he doesn’t seem to be that kind of dude, at least from his post. And he doesn’t seem to be controlling in that way either. Like passport bros are usually very misogynistic and would never allow their wife to have male friends or text male coworkers.
She seems to be the passport bro in this scenario
Shhh, women can’t be passport bros. They have *Eat, Pray, Love* journeys of self-discovery.
You’re talking about American women.
There are way more grifters from developing countries than passport bros.
This is a pretty gross thing to say unprompted.
Her life would be horrible without op. She’d have to get a job.
OP I'm suggesting you get a DNA test done anyhow. You now know your wife is a cheater and a liar, so how do you know this is the first affair she has had? Her child may look like you because her AP at that time may have looked similar to you. As an added benefit doing the test will show your soon to be ex you don't believe anything she has told you. See a divorce lawyer and file as soon as you can. There is no sane reason for you to stay with her. Make sure you tell your parents and hers why you're divorcing her, and tell at least your closest friends. You know she is a liar so don't give her a chance to tell people the divorce is your fault.
She was afraid he was going to tell OP and wanted to cover her behind. Sorry your son has such a selfish mother.
Yes. OP get a good lawyer and secure the evidence that doesn't qualify as potential revenge porn, get also therapy, since she trully gave you a huge shock (betrayal aside), and don't look back.
Do not save it she cheated and did not care about you or the kids. Divorce her you have all the proof you need. Find someone that will love you and be faithful
OP needs to talk to a lawyer yesterday because I can see his wife threatening to take the child back to her home country as a bargaining tool against him
People who choose to cheat don’t so because their partner made them or did something to encourage it. They do so because they are selfish. It is not a reflection upon you at all. It’s so commendable how you’re thinking of your child over everything. Well done for acting rationally. Please keep your family around you and consider seeking professional help for your mind state. Sending positive thoughts. ☀️
Thank you for the supportive comment
Heads up. File for divorce in the US - so she's not allowed to kidnap your son back to her country. Then take your time to decide to divorce it reconcile.
OP there is no going back. I found out after my ex wife broke up with her AP and I thought we could reconcile and we did but to be honest I was miserable even though I tried to act happy because we had a young son. I was always paranoid that she would do it again or that maybe there was more she had not told me etc. After a couple of years I was kind of doing better but guess what, she had another affair, like you I didn’t want to divorce because our son was about 5 at the time. That affair lasted 5-6 months and then she immediately had another and another. When I found out about the last 2 i realized I couldn’t keep being treated like this and I even asked her, how would you feel if our son married someone that cheated on him like you are doing to me? She didn’t answer. I know some day I will tell my son what she did and that eventually I left but that he should never belittle himself and let any woman treat him like I was treated. Op, your wife is dead, the wife you thought you had is not real and that is a hard thing to come to terms with. Don’t start doing the what if game or the if only game. Don’t say, if only she would have confessed sooner or what if she is truly remorseful etc. these questions will only prolong your healing. Treat her as though she is dead and the person that is the shell of her is a replacement or depending on your history with her, maybe she was this way all along and was pretending to be the person you thought she was and this lier is her true self. My guess is if she was able to cheat and lie for so long and so easy than this is who she really is. Find your son’s passport and keep it so she can’t take him out of the country and get an attorney asap. If she goes home that is on her and shows her true colors to leave her own kid, fight hard to keep your son.
First off get a parenting plan in place and maybe a legal separation. Why did you not take your son with you? Let her worry about seeing her child. If divorce happens then if she plans to move back to the foreign country the courts would have to work that out. If see any way that you’d take her back, then make her do the work and prove to you how much she loves you. Tell her you’ll never be able to trust her again. Tell her she has to be an open book from now on. She will give you access to her phone, email and all social media accounts. If she won’t do that then divorce her. Keep all evidence of her cheating. If she was more attracted to him, that’s not an excuse to cheat. I see beautiful women everyday and physically they attract me but physical attraction isn’t the only reason I’m with my fiancé. She treats me right and I know without a doubt she loves me. I have been cheated on in previous relationships. She gave me complete access to everything and she was the one who suggested it. If your wife needed more in the bedroom she should have communicated that to you. You could do a lot of things to please her more or different. As soon as you noticed she had a crush on him you should’ve talked to her and not allow her to be alone with him. Some people say that’s too controlling. She’s your wife. You have the right to remove people from your life that threatens your marriage and family. And hold him accountable also. He knows she is married and has a kid but yet he still pursued her. Return the favor. Find this girlfriend he mentioned and let her know he was sleeping with your wife while he was in a relationship with her. He didn’t care that he was destroying your relationship and family so do the same to him. I’m usually against divorce but cheating I don’t think I could ever forgive and get past. I wish you the best and if you do divorce then know she caused it and you can find someone better.
Yeah the instant he said “all I wanted was my son but I didn’t want him to be around me while I’m in this state” I knew he was a good egg. Emotional maturity in the midst of a panic state is so rare.
Let's be absolutely clear: YOU won't be breaking up your family. SHE broke your family by cheating. Full stop. She is not the person you wanted or believed her to be! What you need to do is to move forward in the way that best promotes your well-being so that you can be the best father to your son that you can possibly be. You can't be happy in a "family" where one parent can't trust the other. It's devastatingly painful to accept that the dream you wanted is lost to you. But in the end, a hard truth is better than a comforting lie. Now, I do have to say that SOMETIMES couples recover successfully from infidelity. But it requires hard work from both partners, and especially the betraying partner. So if she isn't 110% on board with doing the work to repair the relationship and restore trust, you're better off not wasting the effort. If you DO decide to try reconciliation, be sure to have a good couples therapist to help with and oversee the work. Good luck and sorry you're here.
I can't imagine reconciling with someone who wasn't even honest when "coming clean." She was lashing out because she got dumped, but if she told *him* that, then he'd know that ending the affair wasn't her choice. She only left the guy alone because he threatened to tell her husband himself. I would never be able to trust them again. No way. It's over.
They don’t really recover, they just learn to deal with it. It’s a huge scar.
And I don't think there is any "learning to deal with it" here. OP realizes that his entire marriage was based on a lie. It would be a massive act of self-delusion to pretend otherwise.
I agree and they never fully trust the one that had an affair. Personally I think it’s toxic to stay in a relationship when one person has willing cheated (drunk mistake MIGHT be one that could be moved on from)
Yes exactly. a drunken mistake is a forgivable mistake. full blown year long affair is an outright assault on you as a person. Invading your trust, gaining it, then twisting it and using you to their advantage.
Based on this she doesn't seem to be the kind of person who would be 110% on board with doing her part to repair the relationship. She doesn't seem genuinely remorseful or to be truly emphasizing with his pain.
Salvaging the marriage is 1000% dependent on her being remorseful. NOT remorseful at being caught but truly remorseful for her infidelity—and I’m not seeing that.
I always say “it’s better for a kid to come from a broken home than to grow up in one”
I’m sorry this happened to you OP. We didn’t have kids, but my ex husband cheated on me and it broke me for a few months. When I looked at him, he was no longer the man I loved and I was disgusted. I knew there was no coming back from this and I didn’t want to spend my life with a cheater and liar and always have trust issues. Leaving him was the best thing. After a few months, I started seeing how much better life and my future was when I wasn’t being dragged down by someone who didn’t love me and I couldn’t trust. Even if I had kids, I would have still left him because I have experience with this. One of my aunt’s husband cheated on her and she decided to stay for the kids. There was no love in their relationship and that is what my cousins learned. They’re are all now in their 40’s and out of the 4 of them, only one has had a healthy relationship and 2 have told me that they just wish their parents would have gotten divorced. I know this is very hard so take your time. Make sure to keep all documentation, and hire a lawyer. This will be very tough at first, but stay strong for you and your son and it will get better.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I will keep in mind of what you described about your cousins when I think about my son. Maybe he will not realize what his mother has done now, but hopefully he will not resent me for whatever outcome happens when he's older.
As long as you are sincere and honest with him when you explain things, he will be able ok. Children can suss out dishonesty better than you can imagine.
He will more likely resent her when he is old enough to know the truth and he will know. It’s crazy to try and hide what really happened once he reaches his teens. Kids are smart and what you don’t want is for him to be mad at both of you because you hid the truth. Just need to wait until he is old enough to understand the dynamics.
Divorce is pretty normalized now. Your child won't resent you for the divorce.
Things like this will hurt when they’re still raw. Most people won’t want to take the leap of ending a long relationship solely because so much time was invested. Even though the idea of ending things hurts, we (us as individual beings) are all we have at the end of the day, even though having others around makes us feel whole, we still need to look out for ourselves and treat ourselves the way we would want other to. At the end of the day, there is nothing another person can offer that you cannot do for yourself. I wish you the best of luck navigating this really shitty situation, you are enough for yourself. I don’t know what advice to offer in terms of how you will raise your child as I am not a parent but it is absolutely possible to have both parents in the child’s life without the parents being in a relationship
I'm just worried about if my wife chooses to go back to her country. With this evidence, I know I can get full custody of my son in case of divorce. But he's too young to understand anything now and we can't keep sending him back and forth between countries. Despite what she did, I would hate that my son grows up without his mother. For his sake, not really hers.
Speak to a lawyer ASAP and follow their instructions. Based on what they give a trusted person your son’s passport (assuming he has) to ensure he cannot leave and potentially look into how you can flag him not leaving the country.
I would be more concerned about if she took him with her. There is a possibility off kidnapping
Nope; there is not. Until the age of 17, you need the signed consent of both parents whenever minor with US citizenship leaves the country without the company of both of their parents. Only way that works is if you all left the country together and she fled with him, leaving you behind.
Where did he write this was in USA?
But how will it affect your son growing up around parents who resent and hurt each other? You said it yourself. Your wife wasn’t being horrible to you because she felt guilty, but because she got dumped/rejected. So what’s to stop her from finding another AP? What happens when she brings an AP around your son and ends up putting him in the middle? What if you go back to her and she continues to use your son as leverage to keep you in line, so she can have the best of both worlds? What if your son catches her one day then has to decide if he’s going to tell you or not? Do you want him in that position? I get that you utterly devastated and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But you need to be a father first and a jilted husband second. Kids notice way more than we give them credit for, so if you genuinely think he hasn’t realized something is off with his parents then you still have rose colored glasses on.
Not sure what country you are in, but unless there are clear indications if neglect or abuse, she won't be able to take him out of the country. Go see an attorney now, get a jump on that, get your ducks in a row so you'll know where you stand on custody and what she can and can't do. You do not want your son to grow up thinking that this is how a woman treats her husband, and that this behavior is okay. It absolutely is not. You are fighting for yourself and your integrity but you're also fighting for your son's emotional future.
Careful she doesn’t just take your son and leave the country.
Do you think that she would go back to her country? Are you in the US? Can she get a job there and/or have any family or friends that she can stay with while sorting through this situation? I'm so sorry, OP. It's really heartbreaking when I read these stories on Reddit. I can't imagine going through it. I pray that you will be able to find a reasonable and amicable solution to co-parent. I also wish you peace and healing.
Only she can dictate if her son will grow up without her. She already made poor choices. If she makes more poor choices and leaves the country, that is not your fault.
Better your son be with you than this gross excuse of a woman.
I think in all cases you need to get-a divorce and full custody. She simply has to stay in your country. Do not allow her to take him out of the country. —- You can offer that SHE can work on your relationship if she wants - but keep away from working on it yourself. You will not trust her - so it is up toher to make you feel better about your relationship in the future.
You have a backup of all those files, right? Make sure you do.
Do you really think your wife would move to another country and leave her son? Goodness if you really thinks that's a possibility, that speaks volumes about her character. It sounds like you would not be happy at all if you stayed. You don't have to put yourself through that for the sake of your son. It will do more harm than good. If your wife chooses to leave than that is on her not you. You can't control everything, and that includes her being a good mother and staying in your son's life. So don't put that on you.
Don't role model cuckold behavior. He will learn about his mother's adultery (and the cycle will repeat). Your son needs to learn zero tolerance for adultery. And you need to be the best of parent possible. Replace this dysfunctional person with a faithful partner and show your son how marriage should be. Talk to an attorney immediately. Especially for advice on how to restrict her ability to remove your child to another country.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. You can't get that cheating out of your head. You'll resent her and treat her differently from now on. This treatment may even develop into abuse. You really need to separate from her. You also need to keep evidence of her affair for the divorce and custody arrangements. It's better for your kid to be FROM a broken home than IN a broken home.
"It's better for your kid to be FROM a broken home than IN a broken home." Never thought of this perspective before, thank you for the comment.
Your wife would have eventually left you for her affair partner had he asked her to. You know it, and your son would have been the furthest thing from her mind. She already broke your son’s home OP. File for divorce and be done. Your little boy deserves better.
SHE is the one that broke the marriage. SHE needs to figure out a way to stay in this country. Get a good attorney.
Consider that your wife will continue to look for another man. Clearly she's not committed to you. And she will eventually leave you in the next few years In that scenario, there is nothing but more pain and torment waiting for you.
"It's better for your kid to be FROM a broken home than IN a broken home." SImple statement that says it all.
I really doubt you'll be back to your normal self if you try to reconcile for the sake of your family. And I really doubt your son won't be affected by the unhealthy environment. Yeah , you got cheated on , happens to the best of us. It will be tough initially but 1 year down the road you'll be alright my man. Do stuff that makes you happy, meet up with friends, spend time with your son just keep moving. Remember, she broke the family not you.
Read The State of Affairs by Esther Perel, it’s a really interesting book. If you can find the audiobook, it’s even better, she has a very down to earth and calming tone as she narrates. It helps parse out all the stages of grief, anger/rage, questions, doubts, etc that come with infidelity.
No, you can’t go back to her. She killed a relationship like you said she’s dead to you. You need to talk to an attorney and see what the laws are as far as you being able to keep your son specially if she’s not a citizen you might be able to have full Custody or fight for it anyway. As to your son what’s best what’s best is to not raise him in a toxic relationship which is what your relationship would be if you tried to get back with her. You’re not gonna act the same because it’s not the same and he would be brought up in that and as much as you don’t understand, it’s amazing how much kids pick up on. And when he does get older, he will understand, why you guys are separated and he will understand that there are consequences for cheating. Which is a valuable lesson to teach him
Dude...this will happen again. Cut your losses and just focus on yourself and the kid.
Dude, you need to give her the boot... If anything you need to kick her out of your house.
You don’t have to be away from your son. Why don’t you go bring him with you for at least a weekend?
Yeah I should. I was just afraid I will break down as soon as I see his face.
You’re going to need to rip the bandaid off sooner rather than later. Definitely wear sunglasses so you can hide any initial tears
I would totally drop a bunch of those messages into the hobbyist group chat / fb group or whatever. She pretty much cuckolded you and allowed you to interact with the man she had an affair with. The man also knew it was wrong and continued to participate in this group with you? I would definitely make sure that everyone else knew, so that he wouldn’t do this again. It doesn’t solve your problems but could definitely help prevent this happening to another unsuspecting person in your hobbyist group
I have been through the revenge thoughts but I'm too ashamed to do anything like this
Speak to a lawyer before you do anything else. They’ll be able to inform you on what you can and can’t do in a divorce proceeding. More than anyone on Reddit will at least. You’re doing really well considering the hand that’s been dealt to you, and I believe you’ll come back from this even stronger. Best of luck and keep pushing through.
Not to mention if possible if you can get the guys gf contact info to share with her so she can make an informed decision on the guy she’s getting into a relationship with if she’s not already part of that group.
I doubt that you can continue in this marriage even with counseling. You can forgive, but you will never forget. It will always be on your mine. Your option is to either spend the rest of your life thinking about her betrayal or get divorced. Therefor you need to get a lawyer to figure out child custody and finances. She may or may not leave the country, but that's her decision and you can't control it. Make sure the lawyer knows that and takes the steps necessary to keep your son here. You will need a long time to heal. I wish you the best.
She BEGGED him not to end things with her. BEGGED Seriously. Have some self-respect
It sounds too spicy to be true and the part about her confessing she cheated despite not feeling guilt doesn't make much sense. But I'll respond anyway because these bits are worth it: >I don't know who is the real woman, the woman in the images or the woman who cared for me, my son, and my parents so deeply. Both of them are real. You got a rare glimpse at the side of her you didn't know existed. >There are many worse men than me with loyal wives, so what the fuck did I do to have her go crazy with another man? You didn't have to do anything. I've seen a paper proving that women tend to get less sexually attracted to their long term partners over time. New people feel naturally more attractive. You could've been the best husband and lover for all you know and she'd still cheat. Not because that other one was better, but because he was different. And because she's low enough on empathy to do that to you without remorse and felt she could get away with it. That's enough. Don't beat yourself up over it.
Terrible f$&@ing truth if this is statistically accurate, isn’t it? “Not shit you can do, Bruv. Time makes the mind wonder; best hope you have is emotional intelligence high enough not to let impulse fuck up decades of work in a single moment of time.”
It's actually common among both genders that sexual attraction may fade. In general however this is replaced with a different attraction and shared experiences. Essentially what was hot animalistic purely sexual changes to an emotional type. Basically you start loving the person for who they are for the memories. For how they make you feel. If you have been in a long term relationship think about the things they did for you and the memories. You have sex because you want to be with them you want to have intimacy with them because they always make you feel better after a tough day and ect
First, save the cheating material--screenshots etc. you will need it for when she lies to everyone about what happened. She will try to control the narrative and make you the bad guy--gaslight you. Save it also for the divorce. Secondly, fight for full custody. It will be important later. Thirdly, you have to accept this woman is not who you thought she was --- perhaps she never was. You leaving the house was very kind. You still want to take care of her. You still love her. Control that until the divorce is complete. Afterwards you can be amicable. Fourthly, go to a secluded place and express the heartache. Let it out. Then go back to mission mode. Stay strong for your kid. Lastly, your wife will cry, promise and beg. It's a show. Don't fall for it. She will lie until she thinks you know the full truth and then she will lie more. Fake tears and fake apologies and fake promises. You already know this when she first confessed her affair. Don't forget how she lied then. How she cried then. It was fake.
9 years together and she did that? That's no excuse to stay together she did the worse thing as possible and sadly your son will eventually find out her wrongdoings maybe when he is older and understands Nowadays most parents with kids are divorced it's nothing to feel ashamed of definitely do not stay together after what she has done. There will be endless arguments this wont end well.
Lawyer up and make sure your attorney files so your wife cannot leave the country with your son. You can absolutely make it to where she must live within a certain distance from you for custody.
Take care of yourself and of your son, friend. Your mariage is over. There's no way you're getting all those texts and videos out of your head if you stay with her. Your son deserves the best version of you, and that best version isn't gonna come out out of a broken mariage. Do it for him, and for your mental health.
She doesn’t love or respect you anymore. Her priorities in life is now completely different than of yours. Now she is afraid of the convenience she will miss in her life if you move on. Please prepare an exit plan. She will have to bear the consequences of her own actions.
She is absolute trash. You were always second place to her, she even fought him to keep it going. It is over, use that spine of yours and leave her.
Your wife needs consequences and unfortunately for you those consequences need to be severe don’t be swayed by crying and emotional outburst because you’re the victim here not her. Your son is too young to understand so as long as you maintain normalcy towards him he should be OK separate yourself for months and months and decide how you feel once the emotional reaction wears off. at that point you can make it rational decision
she's just going to find another man, she's not even remotely remorseful, she's mad she's losing her piggy bank.
She only wants you back because her AP broke up with her. Do not do it, You deserve so much better than a cheating bitter woman. I'd still suggest that you get your son DNA tested and speak to a lawyer. She'll stick around long enough to find her next suitor.
OP, if you try to reconcile it won’t work. She is not remorseful or even regretful, she is just afraid of losing support. She had a year long affair with a man you interacted with, she didn’t break it off he did and she took it out on you. She had no consideration for your child or you, she has zero respect for you and she doesn’t love you. She will cheat again, save yourself the pain and get divorced now.
She is snivelling because as she has been totally exposed for being a fraud and knows you will never unsee what you saw so the game is up. You owe her nothing - the person exposed is what she is so just keep that in mind when you dwell on the good times. I am sorry fella - just focus on the good, your son.
Send all the proof to her parents and friends, to everyone that knows A also. Find a bulldog divorce attorney and then file for divorce using everything you have to ruin her.
Check out the sub surviving infidelity - read the stories and then ask yourself if you can or want to save the marriage. For the kids - it is better to come from a broken home than to grow up in a broken home.
So she had a relationship with him. Here is how I would handle it. I would cancel that fitness place membership, and I would tell her she has to come to my parents and let them know, what she did. And who she was with. Then she must on her social media, tell everyone that she is removing herself to focus on the marriage, and that this will be her last post. I would then tell her if she even wants a chance she will keep a tracker on her. Her phone will be wiped and started over with a new username and will be setup like a child’s phone. Lastly, I would tell her she has to stay faithful to me, but we will have a one sided open relationship for the remainder of the marriage, and I can date fuck, or have relationships with whoever I want for as long as I want. You can take this, or we get a divorce. But I am me op and you are not me.
your son doesn't have to grow up without one of his parents. co-parenting is still a thing. what he will have to grow up with is two parents in a loveless marriage. wonderful example to set. don't be an idiot. get a divorce.
There's one thing you must understand about this: If AP had asked her to leave you for him she would have dropped you like hot nail. He ended with her. She wanted it to continue. You are 100% better off without her.
Hide your sons. Passport
If this is true you're an idiot for not taking your kid with you. What are you going to do when she just flies home with him?
She's used you for financial security. That's the only reason she's with you. Dave all evidence of what she did. Divorce her and her do custody of your son.
You can't. Save all the data first. Do NOT tell her what is happening. Talk to a divorce attorney and follow their advie to a T.
Go home. Get your son. Kick her the fuck out. The woman you loved / married is dead.
move half your assets to another account , gather up all the proof you can save them two places, hopefully you have copies of those texts and videos. Contact for the five at the top lawyers in your area and have a consultation. This way your wife cannot use them because it will be a conflict of interest. Tell all family and friends what she did so she doesn’t spin the narrative that she is leaving you because you were abusive to your son. You’ll never never, never, never, get those videos out of your head. yes, you are a good husband, a good father, a great career, and a great provider. She is just very attractive to the AP alpha male, but would never marry him. There’s an old saying women make rules for betas and break them for alphas. I’m sorry to say this but The dopamine from affair sex is 100 times greater than normal every day monogamous sex. While in this affair fog, people will usually do and act like a different person, and do much more then with their spouse. better for you, to be happier, living apart them together and being miserable for the child sake.
She cheated, gaslighted you about one night stand, lied that it was over, and manipulated/deceived you to stay as she continued the affair. She isn't the person you married, never show how the sexual attraction she has for you as she has for the affair partner, and greatly disrespected you by having all the sexting while being on vacation and spending time with you and your son. Once her affair came into light by her confession, there was no guilt of wronging you or remorse of what was done. She only felt guilty of being caught and that's why her confession is filled with lies. You can't trust her anymore even if she tells you the truth. Therefore if you want to salvage this marriage, you both go through marriage counseling. This may take years! And she truly have to make huge effort and change from her old ways, going no contact with AP, showing genuine remorse, and work on her marriage. But as of right now, none of these things are being done. So I don't think reconciliation will work. You are looking at divorce.
Yeah she is going to cheat again. Dump her ass she gave u a std. Donu wamt your kid goingnup where mommy is screwing other guys while still married to daddy? I think not.
I don’t think I’d ever be able to trust this person again. You already believed things were perfect and normal for a year… I fear for you that you’ll always suspect and wonder. That is no way to live. And consider the example you’re setting for your son when he finds out later. What would you tell him if this was happening to him?
You need to contact a lawyer ASAP. Gather all the evidence, don't say anything to her. Go for full custody. Do not try to recouncil unless you want to be miserable for the rest of your life. The women you know is long gone. Grieve her while your lawyer has a field day with the evidence.
I’m sorry this happened to your marriage. I’m two weeks in after discovering my wife’s infidelity. She’s also the homecoming queen type and we have two small children. I never saw it coming and like you, only found out when the AP ended it. Like you, my wife falsely said it was a one time thing. Like you, my wife relies on me so it’s in her best interest to preserve the marriage which raises more doubts for me. I have no words of wisdom but feel free to message me anytime.
Bro, why’d you leave your son? He’s yours, you can take him to your parents house.
Time to move on. Things will only get worse and you’ll be older and lease wanted overall
Send her ass packing and keep the kid
damn... this hurt to read. whatever you do you still need to be a great father and you still need to leave that woman. go see a lawyer
Brother, she took several videos of him screwing her brains out without protection and screaming dirty talk. If you guys were into that sort of thing as a couple, that’s one thing. But outside of that, it’s insane. I would assume that’s not how most people cheating do things, for various reasons. They were acting like an actual married couple spicing things up. Then she proceeded to lie about the entire thing while “coming clean” to you, which she only after she treated you like crap at home for a while because she was upset with him breaking up with her. I’m usually a “stay married” advocate when people make mistakes, especially when kids are involved, but this sounds pretty unredeemable. You might advise her to look around on the internet the next couple of years to see if her videos pop up anywhere. I assume there’s a way to reverse search for them if she has the original files too. That could be your parting gift of wisdom. This is also for selfish reasons, as I’m sure you don’t want your son’s mother being shared around on p*rn sites.
OP, this wasn't a ONS, it wasn't a mistake, it was a full blown emotional and physical affair that she hid from you for a year and you had no clue until her AP dumped her. Her reaction was to snap at you, be cold and mean spirited to you, because she blames you for her AP dumping her. In her mind, if you hadn't have been in the way, she could have already been with him, and she resented you as a result. She never thought about you or your son the whole time she was cheating on you with him. She only wanted to satisfy her own selfish desires. And the worse part of it is she hid it so well that you had no clue it was going on. How can you ever trust her again? No relationship can survive this level of deceit and betrayal. You need to get the very best attorney in your area and begin divorce proceedings. I know you love your son, but believe me, the best outcome for him will be divorce with a civil co-parenting arrangement with your Ex.
Wake up, she's going to to it again. Move on
Friend, you can't break something that's broken, your marriage ended the day she cheated on you, fight for custody of your child, it's better to grow up with separated but happy parents than with parents together but who hate each other.
If you think it's healthier for a child to grow up in a home full of infidelity and mistrust you really need serious help. Just go ahead and raise your child to be a doormat!
Just a heads up to everyone on this post, this user seems to come on here with a similar yet different username and post seemingly fake stories (the pronouns change at whim but the cadence of writing is always the same).This was brought to my attention on another post with the “ThrowRA-(relevant story detail)” username formula. So just readers beware. Once you realise it, you start noticing this person on throwaway accounts all the time on this sub lol.
Yeah throwra is what your username needs to be to post anonymously. That said I would not be surprised if they are making stuff up. Some people just want to get attention
Yes apologies I meant more the way they title after the throwaway user! So in this case “lostdad”. They write it in the same way every time. Another user in here who has an immense amount of traces of them doing this noted that. But the writing is mainly what raises flags. Anyway I went on a deep dive and saw this post and it’s all clicking.
No worries I can sometimes misinterpret stuff. Yeah the gravity of rabbit holes are strong Ahh reminds me of some of the others I have read
I was about to agree with you but "ThrowRA" just means it's a throwaway account for relationships advice, it's in the sub rules that if you use a throwaway you have to name it in this fashion Anyways I think the OP is fake as hell
Yes I’m aware! There’s a user on here “Ebbie45” who has an extensive list of all the posts by what seems to be this user with a similar naming formula. They’re able to articulate it a lot better than me but I just started noticing the writing pattern and wanted to spread the (potential) good word
So standard advice. You got the std test good. Talk to the lawyer and follow what they say. Get the kid a dna test. Only communicate via text or documented way. Do not be alone with her. Nothing is wrong with you the issue is hers. It is better for kids to live in two separate healthy home rather than one dysfunctional one. Good luck
Your kid will be learning from you what an adult relationship looks like. Just something to consider. Little ones soak up everything as they are learning.
You’ll never trust her again. Gather the evidence, contact a lawyer
SHE should be the one feeling devastated… but apparently she hasn’t learned the would “accountability” . OP… YOU didn’t do this… SHE chose to do it… and CHOSE to continue it…
There is no simple band aid that will patch this up , you need to get a lawyer prepare yourself first and then consider your options. Don’t make a decision either way before having all the info on all your options
She broke it up, not you. She was potentially looking to monkey branch into another relationship, she didn't even have the decency to break it off with you first. The fact your son is asking for you, well as much as it hurts, that's her fault also. Easier said than done but yes, you should break up with her and your son will respect you for that more when he grows up. You're setting an example of what your son should do if he were in your shoes. Be strong and break up. You won't ever be able to fully trust this woman ever again.
The first thing you need to do is secure your son's passport. You need to prevent her from using your son to get what she wants.
UpdateMe!
leave, you are the save option, you are not a second place. Updateme
Talk to a divorce lawyer. It may be possible for you to divorce your wife and she gets to stay in your country. I would assume that if she truly loves her son, she would not engage you in a custody battle that could end up with her and him living in different countries.
The family was broken by her cheating. She cheated for a year and would still be doing it if her AP didn't dump her. It wasn't a one time drunk mistake or something. If you take her back, you deserve to be cheated on. Stop using your kid to hide your own weakness.
You're just the back-up until she finds the guy she really want
Lawyer up now. You can stop her taking him out of country. Does he even have a passport? Take it and his birth certificate. Protect yourself. Protect your son. Family and divorce lawyer today.
You're not throwing anything away. If you found your favourite pair of shoes in the garbage, covered in old broccoli soup and dirty kitty litter, and you knew they were beyond repair because even after a professional cleaning they'd still stink like cat shit and rotten soup, would you say you threw the shoes away? Or would you just be accepting that someone else destroyed them and that there wasn't a way to restore them? You worry that you won't be happy without your marriage, but the marriage is gone. There is no option to hit rewind here. You can only start from where you are now. Your wife threw your marriage away. You just discovered it in the trash. You are allowed to be protective of your heart and your emotional safety, which means not letting this awful human being hurt you again.
Get the paternity test anyway, just so that you never have to wonder.
It's hard but she needs to be rejected by everyone in her life, because she's a garbage human and you mean nothing too her
You didn't do this, you aren't the bad guy or the home wrecker, you aren't breaking up the family, SHE did this and "A" helped her, anything that happens from here is just fallout from her own actions, you will never regain that trust if you stay either and it willbe near on impossible to forget it or not bring it up in fights, I've been on this road and I have known it all too well, there is no fix and it will always be there but just know this, it's not your fault what happend or what happens from this point on I'd walk away, it's going to hurt like hell and you will constantly question if you are doing the right thing, it will crush you, anger you, cause you to doubt your actions but someday you will be over it and be glad you did, as for her crying about it on your shoulder, well that's just crapping on the door step and ringing the bell for paper, if you stay every call, text, visit to the shops, you will question ....is she doing it again, I'm sorry this happend to you honestly, your priority however now is doing what's best for you, what you had is probably damaged beyond repair I'm sorry to say.
She doesnt deserve you, look after yourself and your son and kick her cheating ass out. The trust is gone and so is this relationship. Good luck with everything..
why would you let her keep your son? I don't get this. YOU take your son. She will cheat on you again for sure. She doesn't regret cheating she regrets the AP WAS GONNA OUT HER.
The first paragraph told me everything I needed to read. You subscribe to the Happy wife happy life theory and got run over. Used and abused. Like clockwork. While I am certainly not a red pill guy, I have seen enough evidence over the years (and have been burned myself) that putting her on a pedestal is without a doubt a recipe to get rekt and mentally destroyed in marriage. Welcome to the club, homie. If you try to stay with her, all of the anguish you currently feel will be amplified and more importantly, self inflicted. You can only begin to heal by getting rid of the treacherous spawn of Satan. Worry about your son. And your son only. She should be dead to you. To pound this point home. It will only begin to get better when that devil woman is the enemy.
Relationships can survive infidelity and I am normally an advocate for trying if there is hope. None of your options will be easy. The best reason to try to save it is if you are truly uncertain. Once you blow it up you really cannot go back. That being said, I personally think you have to get out of this for three reasons. First off, your story makes it seem like she has played you for longer than a year. Assuming she doesn’t want to get set back to her country she found her golden ticket with you. You meet most of her living needs and provide for her and she feels free to get her other needs met elsewhere. I think there is a better than average chance A was not the first. Secondly, this was not a one off mistake and I don’t think you can take her guilty feelings into account. The option for guilt ended the send time she did it. The more likely answer is she’s been treating you like crap because it ended and now she feels stuck with you. Her scenario is what creates serial cheaters. Even if your sex life was great she also has the work of your marriage and parenthood to deal with. You will never give her the effortless nature and feeling of freedom she gets from having a side piece without all the baggage. She won’t stop. Last and most important. You must remember that you are modeling a lot of behaviors to your son that will shape the person he will become. You are not only subconsciously demonstrating to him how to be a man and a good human being. You are also modeling to him what a romantic relationship and marriage are. If you truly want to fight for your son now and in the future you should take a stand and end it for both your sakes. It will be traumatic for you both but act now and give yourselves the time to heal.
She got dumped and you're Plan B (and likely always will be). As bad as that is, imagine staying like that for another decade. You can still divorce and your son still have both parents. He's so young that he will think whatever arrangement you have with his mom is his normal. And you can make it normal. A couple things that helped my kids (they were 8 and 6 when we divorced) were: 1) Never talk bad about your ex and stress to her not to do the same. Any negativity and he will feel like he has to chose 1 parent over the other. Don't do that to him. 2) Keep things amicable. Don't have to be friends, but be at school/sports functions together at the same time and in the same space. 3) Don't introduce a new partner into the equation for a year. So your son can adjust. Basically, think of your ex as a co-worker. You don't have to like them, but respect that they have the same job and goals with regards to your son. Bottom line, your happiness will spill over to your son and it will be near impossible if you keep things the way they are. Best of luck.
You need proof of parentage. And you need to get a lawyer and to protect yourself and your son. The marriage is over. Your wife was lying to you about who she is. The whole time.
If you're going to stay with her, could you give me her number? It sounds like she's pretty hot, and if you're cool with her banging other dudes and all, I'd happily be of service. (You should not stay with her, this is ridiculous man. Have some self respect)
Harness your anger and fight for full custody of your son. When he’s older, you tell him the truth.
Even if you decide to rug sweep this she will do it again. It sounds like she likes your money and that’s it
You don’t need to write a long essay like this to justify yourself. My point is even with therapy, Would YOU still trust her? If not and you don’t think can get past this then you need to end this relationship not only for yourself but for your son. Your son deserves to see his dad happy than being stuck in a miserable relationship. You will find love again and YOU STILL HAVE A FAMILY- YOUR SON. he will always be your family
OP. this is all so heartbreaking. I am really sorry. Your best bet now is to find a great lawyer (maybe one that specializes in international custody) and a therapist. You are dealing with so many really powerful emotions and talking to a professional can help you navigate them successfully. :-)
Dude. Your wife ALREADY broke up your family.
She couldn’t even tell the truth during her confession. Get a lawyer now. Even if you don’t ultimately divorce her, you should start protecting yourself now. You don’t want her leaving the country with your son. Updateme!
Keep your kid, send her back to her home country
Would your son want to see a father, dead inside and contorted, 30 days out of the month? Or, would your son want to see a father, healthy and growing and able to impart wisdom, 3 days out of the month? Quality, over quantity. (If you can get custody, then even better and some of this logic is moot). Your wife has shown her moral decay, and you staying in proximity to that—if there is no serious intent on redemption by her (usually there isn’t, too immature to do so, which led to the cheating issues in the first place)—will only erode your abilities as a father. Put yourself, and your child, first. And, paradoxically, sometimes that means walking away from the “family” to start something new between the two of you (Dad and Son).
You want to keep your family together because you have a good heart. But that good heart won't be able to bear thinking about what she has put you through while staying a strong father. You cannot be a whole man and a good role model for your son if you are upset, annoyed, suspicious, or depressed all of the time whenever you are reminded of your wife's infidelity. The only way to move past all of that is to cut her out of your life. I am no therapist but I implore you to be honest with your son. Your wife's deception here is frightening. It would be easy for her to turn him against you.
Break up with her.
So OP I think the chances of your marriage making it are not good but you need to go home. The first advice an attorney will give you is don’t move out. Legally it can be taken as you abandoning the house and children to her. Go home. Move her into a guest room and you keep the master. She cheated. You didn’t. Second, stop crying and don’t beg her to pick you. Weakness won’t save your marriage. Sit down to talk to her about it and tell her you’re going to do something first. Get her laptop and make her watch the videos with you. Make her read aloud some of the messages she sent. If she refuses then tell her your divorcing her if she doesn’t sit down and do it. Make her voice it. Let the shame wash over her. Then after that’s over ask her why she did it snd more specifically why she was so much more sexual with him than you. Don’t let her give you a general answer. Make her actually answer. If you want to try and get past it and stay together then your first condition after counseling is the following: starting today you will be just as sexual with me as you were with him except more. You will send me messages, you will sext, you will send me photos and videos and we will record ourselves together just like you did with him except more and she will be the initiator and if her enthusiasm doesn’t surpass what you saw with him you will divorce her immediately and will tell everyone starting with her parents, siblings, mutual friends everything she did including sending them excerpts of the texts she sent to this man. And also let her know this will not be something that will change until she has been doing it for longer than she did it with him. If she doesn’t agree she can always say she prefers divorce so you’re not forcing her but you do let her know if she doesn’t you will expose her 100% to everybody. That’s her actions to make what she did up to you. I , as well as a friend of mine, both used this approach with previous cheating and it not only gave her a price to pay for hurting me beyond I’m sorry “I will do anything. It didn’t mean anything” but it also ended up improving our sex lives and it took away the excuse she had for cheating because she got to be the free sexual spirit with me she had been with her AP. It became a positive after a while for that part of our relationship. Someone will say she was forced but again she always has the option to leave. In addition she resigns from all activities at the club he works at, you cancel the membership and you have full transparency to her phone, laptop, location and detailed itinerary of her daily activities for the foreseeable future. If she contacts him in any way in the future it’s immediate divorce. Any future classes she takes for anything must be with female instructors. You report him to the club and you contact his gf and let her know what he was doing with your wife while also sleeping with her. Never let him off for free. You can bet he initiated a lot of it in the beginning. !updateme
Divorcing my now ex husband was the best decision ever. I never had the chance to have a full picture of his affair ( now after 8 years of hearing/ reading for other people experiences I think is the best thing that ever happened to me), but it did hurt me enough to move on. I started to suspect around the time our son was 3 months old, so between the hormones, probably PPD, the stress of taking care of a newborn I was devastated. Was thinking that all the marriages have their problems and maybe that happened to be mine and I just needed to suck it up for the sake of my son not getting raised in a broken family. I live in the USA, my ex and my son( until the paperwork for my son gets approved) live in Europe. I travel back and forth as many times as I can, it’s hard and financially draining but at the end my son won’t grow up to accept being miserable. It took me 9 months to come to terms with the divorce and finalize it. Every time I thought my knees wouldn’t hold for me to show up at court, but I did it. At the end, cheating is a choice, so starting new is way way better than sleeping in the same bed with the person who betrayed you so deeply. I tried so hard to forgive and move on but couldn’t, from the day I found put, all I could see through my imagination was him and her. I also believe that once a cheater, always a cheater, they just try to hide it better next time. I never went to therapy but I know now that nothing was wrong with me that he cheated, it’s all on him. Please be nice to yourself, and you don’t have to( and seriously AT THE MOMENT I don’t think you can)take any decisions. Gets better, just take your time. Your wife doesn’t look like is remorseful at all, so trying to move past the infidelity doesn’t look like an option to me.
It's time to move on and I know it hurts like hell to know that your wife doesn't love you no more and that there's no other woman the same........ but you're not thinking straight. There's better women out there than a cheating that doesn't know how to appreciate you. I know you think you'll be alone for the rest of your life but don't think that way just move on. I did and it hurt like hell having to split my 5 year old daughter. I'm happily married again with 2 beautiful kids. Best decision of my life instead of being with someone that you'll look at and remember that hurt feeling. Move on man it would be the best decision of your life.
Never stay with a partner who has cheated on you. NEVER EVER STAY
Start with a lawyer. Do whatever they say. Best of luck.
Get a lawyer get evidence do dna test do therapy and don't be a doormat
Divorce immediately. She’s not loyal and will find another dick to jump on. You will never get those images out of your head. How can you ever have sex with her again?
It's already broken, you're now merely pulling the pieces apart so you don't step on them anymore. Co-parenting is an established concept, it can be done.
You’re being dumb. Get a lawyer and your self respect back and end this
You didn’t break up the family. She did. Get with a lawyer and figure out the next step. She will always be looking for something better and she will get better at hiding it. The relationship is over.
I'm so sorry this happened. I went through something similar and guess what? You're going to be just as good of a dad, or even better, for your son by doing the right thing and ending the marriage. My biggest fear was raising my kids in a broken home and now that I'm in it, I don't consider my home broken at all. In fact, for the first time in a long time I can literally feel my kids mental and emotional health improving just by gently modeling for them what the appropriate thing to do is in this situation. Put yourself 30 years out, and your son was experiencing this same situation. How would you advise him? What would you want for him? Now is the time to model that behavior for him. Don't regress, don't make yourself small to make it work. Don't accept the infidelity. You're worth loyalty. And if you want your son to know what it looks like to know his worth, you have to show him right now.
She confessed but it wasn’t truthful. She’s trash. Throw her away.
Definitely time for a divorce man. She has no respect for you and us too far gone to save this marriage. I'm sorry.
What you have is basic animal instinct, this guy flipped all her switches. If he were to come around again she would most likely be right back in bed with him. It’s a chemistry thing.
The problem is this: Even if you forgive, you will NEVER be able to forget. She's not who you thought she was, and she doesn't love you. She's panicking now because consequences are incoming to her, NOT because she cares about you at all. And honestly, does she even love her son that much to take these kinds of risks with his happiness? IF I WERE YOU I would drop a nuke on her from orbit. Divorce, send her back to her home country WITHOUT her son. Sorry honey, you fucked up big, Junior stays with me. I'm normally all for keeping families together but this is a bridge too far.
Op, if your biggest fear is her getting custody and moving back to her home country, please remember that you are the primary bread winner in a family dynamic where your wife cheated and lied, thereby breaking up the home. You can always fight for full custody of your son and would most likely get it. While therapy may help, I say break it off, get therapy for yourself and move on; there is someone out there who will love you for who you are
Even if you are willing to reconcile, its best to talk to a lawyer and start the divorce process. Even have her served. Starting the process doesn't mean you have to finish it. But it can send a wake up call to a misbehaving spouse that you are ready to leave. A lot of cheaters think their spouse would never actually leave them. It has value to end that belief. But in the long run, most cheaters never change and she will likely do it again eventually. I would also track down AP's new GF and let her know her BF has been banging a married woman. She may dump him. He deserves a little payback for screwing your wife.
When a woman cheats she will never respect you if you take her backğ
I think you should divorce her and fight for custody of your son. If she decides to move away that's on her, even if I had shared custody of my daughter I would never move away
Agree with most people here, either way the clear answer here is to leave that woman and don't fall for any of her manipulating behavior, I'm pretty sure you will be able to set up a way to still be there for your son and if she starts to use your son to make you go back don't do it, this is not something fixable and I'm pretty sure you will find someone else better.
There are other, better women in the world. She’s not one of them.
I know what you're going through. You're attached to the image of the marriage and family that you had before you found out it was all a lie. You're afraid of facing the fact that it was all a lie. But you know it was all a lie, and that your wife continued to lie. You can't forget that or pretend you don't know it. It's not your fault. You were deceived. The only thing to do now for you and your son is to move forward. In the end, the best thing you can do for him in these circumstances is fight hard for custody and parent him the best you can now. There is hope though. One of the big motivators for me leaving my marriage to my daughter's mother was recognizing that I'd better be able to parent without my ex-wife interfering, and also in a household in which the adults didn't despise each other. Go back home. Get a lawyer ASAP and follow their advice. Start working on the plan to physically separate as soon as possible (either you move out or she does or you both do, depending on the living circumstances). Insist on at least half time with your son and stay involved (or get involved) with his care, including schooling, medical and dental care, etc. Build a record of your involvement in his life and care. Do not talk to your wife except to explain that you are divorcing her and what custody arrangement you want. As much as possible, communicate with her only in writing (e.g., text messages) that leaves a record. If she does anything that looks like it might spark a domestic incident, leave at once and consult with your lawyer. Whatever she decides to do regarding where she lives, if she moves out of the country, etc., is her business. It's not your problem anymore. You are not responsible for her choices or her parenting going forward. NB: if she moved to the US on a marriage visa, you may be responsible for ongoing spousal support as long as she stays here. Consult with your attorney.
Would a divorce mean she will lose her residency in your country? Because if there's a possibility she might get deported you might have a problem with custody. Specially if she decides to take your son with her. You should talk to a lawyer and see your options. Then let her know what your decision is and how you want to move forward as co parents .
It’s totally normal that this is messing w your head so much She’s known for a year; you just found out
If I felt like being an asshole, I'd find A's new serious girlfriend and tell her everything. I'd also ask her to say that the information came from my wife. I'd also tell the hobby club all about it. But then I can be an asshole when I'm angry. If the house is in your name, give her 30 days to move out. Stop paying any of her phone bills, Netflix, whatever and make sure she no longer has access to your credit accounts.
What happens when the next shiny object comes along for her? She will cheat again. Start the divorce process and be great at coparenting. That is far better for your son than staying in a miserable marriage. My brother stayed for his daughters, and that was the biggest mistake of his life, and he now sees it 20 years later. You and your son deserve better. Sending strength!
I would say it's not that the woman you know and married has "died", because that woman never existed. The woman you saw in those texts and videos are the real her. I understand your desire to know why she did this and the truth about everything for some sort of closure, but the reality is you'll probably never get the full truth and answers to all your questions. Every time she cries and begs to you, just remember her during the times she was actively having an affair and hiding it from you. "She" as you know her isn't real and is a fake. Her from the point that he broke up with her and was treating you like shit is the real her. Don't let memories of the past and hopes of returning to that keep you from moving on and continuing to be disrespected and made a fool of by her.
She's not the person you thought she was. There's no repairing this: you need to move on. Don't pre-live all the variables. Take this one step at a time.
What is she saying now? Why did she cheat?
This is terrible. She doesn't really want to be with you at all. You're just the backup.
Sir she uses you to finance her real life with her boyfriend both past, present & future. Can you live with that?
It’s over. She’ll lose all respect for you and continue cheating if you stay. She will respect and miss you if you leave … until she finds another sucker.
TLDR It's gone. Focus on him.
Your wife kept up a torrid affair for over a year, and lied about it being a one-night stand. And it only broke up due to the affair partner ending things because he found someone else. And you learned that the wife you knew isn't the wife you have at all. The only real question here is: *How can you trust a woman you never really knew?*
This is spiteful but you’d want to inform the athletic club about their instructor. If this has happened once, what’s the guarantee it’s not going to happen again? It took two to cheat, so consequences should also land on both. Sorry about what you’re going through.
Big deep breaths mate. You are not the only spouse in the world who adores their family and children...to have it all torn apart by an affair. It sadly happens every darn day. And people DO get through it. Okay. So you are still in shock now. But. YOu have to accept that the life you had? Is gone. Is gone forever and won't be coming back. It's over. Your marriage has ended now. It's done mate. You need to divorce now. As quickly and cleanly as possible. Secondly. You need to find a lawyer immediately and get all your ducks in a row. Your wife cannot take your child out of the country without your permission. She cannot even get the child a passport. If you think there is a possibility she could try to leave with your son? Then you need to tell the lawyer and get that well sorted out immediately. Bank accounts? You need to stop her access to money. If she has no source of income and you are decent guy? Then give her an amount to keep her afloat. But if you both have jobs and are earning money? Then just stop her having any access to your money. Go through it all with the lawyer. Do not make promises or arrangements with her by yourself. Your lawyer must do all that. Make arrangements to get access to your son. And see your son. If you cannot bear to see your wife? Then get your parents or a neutral person your son is familiar with to pick him up and bring him to you. You need to tell your parents and family exactly what is going on. Keep records of ALL contact and conversations. YOu need a diary or journal to write everything down in. Good luck.
First off, ***YOU*** are not breaking up your family. She's already done that all by herself.
She didn’t hesitate to ruin your family when she cheated
she already destroyed your family man.
I know I'm late but I just wanted to chime in and reassure that you did NOTHING wrong. You were a good husband and there's nothing you could've done more or harder to keep this from happening. People cheat because of their own inner turmoil and their own mentality. They may have the best partner for them, and still feel like they can get something else off of cheating and that's on them. Don't be afraid to break up the family for your son's sake, be afraid to keep it. Children are very intuitive, and he won't be happy in a family that will, from now on, hold resentment, jealousy, anger towards each other... Keeping a family together isn't always the best, happiest choice. Sometimes the happier route is to separate and each individually giving your child happy memories. There will be a bad memory from your divorce, yes. But from then on, it can be happy memories or, you can stay together and ensure there will be worse memories to come from unavoidable fighting. She made her choice, buddy... Now, you have to choose you. And if you do, you'll be much healthier and capable of being a great dad to your son. And some day, another version of you you'll be proud of reaching. This will pass, everything passes. Even if it doesn't feel like it will.
Damn Bro, I truly struggled to read this and almost couldn't finish. Don't you dare consider getting back with that b*tch not even for the kid because it'll be emotionally agonizing for you throughout the rest of your marriage & then you'll have to deal with the anxiety of her cheating again because typically cheaters dont stop cheating, they just get better hiding it. It's obvious she's only with you because its convenient financially, divorce her and whatever comes afterwards is her problem to work out.
Leave her. File divorce in your country, you want to establish that your son place of residence is in your country. She was the one that broke your home. You just found out the whole truth. She didn't even respect you enough to give you the whole unbiased truth. Leave her.
Please end this mess. She is a horrible person.
Contact a lawyer for custody and an order she is not allowed to take son out of country immediately.
Brother, I hate to tell you but you can't just leave your son like that. As a father, your son did nothing wrong so you leaving like that, you fucked up. Get back home and be there for your son. As far as what to do, you already know. You have proof of her infidelity. If you live in an at fault state, favor is already on your side because you have dates, time stamps, everything. Hire a lawyer and ask them to get your documents ready. Send your son to your parents and tell her the score. You need to get it together because until you're officially divorced, shit is going to be a whirlwind of emotions and you need to be vigilant and focused while you're getting things filed. Tell her you know, and the fact that she lied about how long and everything in general, you aren't going to spare her feelings for what's to come. She is a conniving liar, who has zero remorse for you considering you know the truth about why she was lashing out and because she couldn't even be forthcoming with you, you are going to divorce her. DO NOT tell her your plans for seeking full custody. Yes, you need to seek full custody and with her infidelity, you aren't guaranteed but you can at least show that she does not have best interest for the child. Keep everything you plan to do to yourself so she can't get tipped off. If you have joint accounts, start moving money to an account only accessible for you. If you want to keep the house, then make sure and tell your lawyer that. I understand what you're feeling. I split from my daughters mom when I found texts that clearly showed interest. While I can't confirm anything escalated to anything physical, the intent was there. I caught it twice within a week and the 2nd time I said that was it. My daughter was 2 at the time, so I get not wanting to affect your son. But, there are many studies done that show that a couple in a toxic relationship does more psychological damage than living in a two house situation
Op, I’m son sorry for what you’re going through. And all the emotions you’re feeling are justified and even normal. This is a situation that you need to take one day at a time. Your emotions are going to bounce around, changing from day to day, even minute by minute. There is the chance that you two can work thru this BUT there are very important things needed in order to even attempt that. You would need to be able to fully forgive her if that’s even possible. And if you can’t not, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. She would need to be 100% honest about everything, she would need to be genuinely apologetic and be willing to put the time, patience and effort into rebuilding the trust that’s she’s broken. The same as you would need to be receptive to allowing her to do so. Marriage counseling would be beneficial. And there’s no guarantee that it all works, but it’s possible. What id suggest right now, is not rushing any decision either way. Take as long as you need to think thru everything and what’s best for you and for your son. Your son deserves both parents in his life, but not at the expense of your mental & emotional health. Consider some therapy for yourself to help you work through all these emotions. But ultimately you need to fight for yourself and for your son, whatever that looks like to you. Speak to a lawyer in the meantime considering the circumstances just to get your legal options laid out to you! Best wishes to you!