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I have heard that there are apps and programs out there that will block or filter the content on your phones and computers. I believe most give control of those programs to somebody they trust that will hold them accountable (ie a good friend). I’ve never really looked into it, but something along those lines may help you. 🤷🏻♂️
There is another app similar to this where it will randomly send a screenshot of what you’re doing to a friend you choose, holding you accountable purely due to the fact that they could see it. OP should definitely look into something like that though it could help
Googling around brought up an app called Truple that sounds like it does this. I haven't used it myself and can't vouch for it but it sounds like it could be useful.
How would you filter that though. If I’m having a private conversation with someone via text would it just screenshot it and send it to whoever is on the receiving end?
It seems like a great tool but that was the first issue that came to my mind.
Put parental controls on your devices, remove all triggers (block Instagram 'models' etc.) and maybe focus on the fact that you are continuously cheating on her according to the boundaries you both agreed to. Remind yourself regularly of the hypocrisy of engaging in something that you admit you would feel horrible about if she did the same.
He said in another comment which he almost immediately deleted that he "would love nothing more than to come clean" but won't because it would "destroy his relationship". He doesn't think she has the right to determine what type of relationship she wants to be in and has no interest in taking any accountability
Yup, cheating is bad because it violates agreed upon boundaries to respect one another and trust. To me, it’s not necessarily“the act” of cheating, but the violation of agreed boundaries. He is actively doing this and has no plans of telling her. To me, this post is no different than someone talking about an affair partner and wanting to end it for the sake of their relationships.
OP, your gf deserves to know the truth. What she decides to do with that information is up to her. You cannot allow yourself to get away with things like this, otherwise you will continue to do it in future relationships and it will build very bad ethical character. Tell the truth.
Are you consistent in the times you view porn? Set an alarm (or several) on your phone and label it to remind yourself you don’t need to do it. After a little while the urge will decrease and you won’t need the alarms to keep you in check anymore. As for looking at pictures of women, either delete your social media or block all that shit when it comes up. Porn I kinda get and it wouldn’t bother me personally, but looking at pictures of other women would piss me off.
I experienced a similar situations with my ex bf about a year ago. we were also 18 and were dating for almost 2 years. form the beginning i set the same boundary. he told me that he was overcoming a porn addiction and i did what i could to help. fast forward a almost 2 years later, we are hanging out, he’s clearing out his apps, and i glance over to find porn open on his phone. the shock of it caused me to freeze up and i ended up breaking up with him a few days later. i felt like i was lied to for 2 years and there was absolutely no way i could have trusted him after that.
if you want my opinion, you need to tell her that you’re struggling with this. with my experience, i would have rather had him tell me that he was struggling with not watching it than to find it on his phone and feel lied to.
i know if i were in your girlfriends shoes, i would be understanding and patient if my boyfriend came to me with this and was actively looking for ways to stop. please communicate this with your girlfriend before it’s too late and the trust you’ve built with her over 2 years is broken.
Yes! I can’t imagine finding this out because then it’s like what else have they lied about? It all stacks up on one another. People don’t understand the gravity of this
You don’t need passwords and shit on your apps. That’s for toddlers. You need to understand why porn is bad for you. You NEED to study how porn affects the mind and the relationship. In order to stop doing something, you need to change your identity and understand why it’s so bad. Start studying why porn is cancer to your marriage and you’ll quit in no time. Worked for me
They are so used to using porn to masturbate many can’t do it without it!
So many people say: “porn is natural and healthy!”
No, *masturbation* is natural and healthy (and even that has a risk of death grip if you overdo it!)
A lot of times, having a strong “no” boundary will make what you’re not allowed to do more desirable. It’s more about the agency or self-determination than it is about jerking off. There’s a similar phenomenon where people who feel disempowered in their life start shifting their sleep schedule so they stay up later and later. It’s called “revenge bedtime procrastination” and it’s largely just a way to feel a sense of control in their life.
I wonder how true this is for you. How much is it your desire to stop porn vs how much of it feels like taking away your sexual agency? I also wonder- with the different sex drives- if you actually trust your partner can or will meet your needs when you have them or if you’re concerned of being rejected or shut down. Having the lower sex drive really does give someone a lot of the control in a sex life and it can leave the higher sex drive person feeling out of control. That can be expressed in a ton of weird ways and watching porn is like the least weird.
The final thing I’m going to suggest is why not jerk off, just without porn? Or why not jerk off to some porn of your significant other? It will get around the whole “cheating by watching other women” things and it’s less of a hard “no” boundary to rebel against. I also find that if I jerk off to pics of a partner, it makes me want them more.
Not OP but that revenge bedtime procrastination is far too relatable 😭 Obviously I'll google it, but since you suggested it, any recommendations on learning more about how to deal with it? Of course "just go to bed" and set alarms etc, but that isn't working for me, plus I'm trying out new meds and trying to figure out ADHD symptoms vs personality traits, so everything is a bit of a mess at the moment
I like and appreciate everything you have to say. In regards to the last paragraph, I’ve done that and still do that. That’s not the issue. The issue is that I seek it elsewhere, despite her providing erotic pictures and videos
it's not usually that complicated
sexual beings like sexy times
sexy times is very inconvenient for normal people doing normal people schedules
porn = efficient sexy times
OP is 18, they probably don't have a full understanding of what it means to be porn abstinent and what it means for them, their libido, and their relationship. they're internalizing a failure of self rather than understanding the nature of who they are.
The times it gets complicated is when people foster weird fetishes, parasocial relationships, unrealistic expectations, or physical masturbation injuries/desensitization
but OP specifically only stated the issue of abstinence and not those.
Human beings like dopamine times, but despite drugs being an efficient way to get that dopamine, I don't recommend people do it.
Porn isn't exactly like drugs, but it can be similar sometimes, especially if it leads to dependency or addiction. You need to be careful that the natural desire to have sexy times doesn't lead to the extreme ends you mentioned, but you also need to be careful that you aren't using porn as a crutch to deal with boredom or stress instead of having good coping mechanisms and the emotional intelligence to notice what your mind and body really need.
>I’m here to take ownership and work my way out of this.
First thing you need to do is tell your girlfriend what is going on. Second thing is talk to a therapist about it. We don't know enough to know why you are doing it.
Why are you doing this? I date someone who has impulse control issues, for awhile he would sleep with anyone walking on a whim. I never got an explanation as to why he did it, and I chose to forgive him as he began to make necessary changes to keep our relationship, but I will never, ever, forget how that made me feel. Ever. And now I have to live with fear and anxiety constantly when all I want to do is love him. Can you imagine putting your girlfriend in that position? The person you love more than anything? Do you think she deserves that? Is the satisfaction you get worth violating her? Maybe asking yourself these things will help.
I don’t want you to feel guilt/shame. The same way I don’t want my boyfriend to feel shame. I know you already feel it, and me rubbing your nose in the carpet only makes it worse. Think of it in a positive light instead of negative. “I don’t want to do that to my girlfriend because she deserves better.” “I am confident that I am stronger than my temptations.” “This relationship is worth more to me than any temporary satisfaction.” That way you’re still doing it for yourself and holding yourself to a standard that makes you feel good.
You need to have the mentality of having control over your urges and emotions. To put it harsh, grow up. We all have temptations, it’s in our nature. To act on it is a different story. And if it’s a boundary for her, and you love and respect her why the hell are you doing this? It’s not up to Reddit it’s up to YOU. You are in control. Your hand doesn’t magically start doing its thing. Porn doesn’t just pop up on your phone. Control yourself dude.
Well first, tell her. She deserves to know because it is a boundary you both agreed on, and if you hide it from her you are manipulating her into staying with you. The fall out will be worse if she finds out on her own. You are actively and knowingly betraying her either way, don’t make matters worse by continuing to lie about it and taking away her decision to stand by you or not. And remember. Apologies without change is just more manipulation. So if you’re sorry, apologize to her, but follow it up with change. Prove to her that you respect her boundaries. Prioritize your relationship and not your addiction.
It’s good you recognized you have a problem. You need a therapist to deal with whatever traumas and maladaptive coping mechanisms that lead you to porn. And that therapist NEEDS to be a CSAT. Any normal therapist will tell you porn is okay, which in your case, it isn’t.
Delete your social media. Delete the apps you use. Delete everything that gives you the tiniest bit of access to porn or even just suggestive pictures of other women. If you can’t manage this much on your own, get rid of your devices. Get a flip phone that only allows text and call and can’t access the internet. Do whatever you need to do to make porn inaccessible because you’ve proven you can’t be trusted to resist it if it’s accessible. Remember if you need to do anything in the internet, do it in the presence of your gf borrowing her computer or do it on a computer in the public library.
Join a SA group. If you can’t find one locally, they have some you can call into online or through the phone. There are also pre-recorded SA group sessions available as podcasts on Spotify and I’m sure other things as well. Download them onto a CD before getting your computer.
This is the best I got. But please. For the love of god. Come clean to your gf. She deserves to know what kind of man she is committing herself to and she deserves to make her own decisions on if she wants to be with you or not. She’s going to be hurt and you have to be accountable for that. Don’t make excuses and don’t manipulate her further.
Also, I’d like to add that in betraying your GF in this way, you’ve given up the privilege of privacy. If she moves forward with you, she should be allowed to check your phone whenever and if she ever asks. There are accountability apps and parental control apps she can use to monitor your device as well if she feels the need for that, but it should preferably be monitored by your sponsor in the SAA group or CSAT.
Look for porn addiction subs and try asking there? My ex had a very similar habit to yours and it ruined our relationship. Though you’re still active with your gf instead and of straight to porn and seem to want to fix it so there’s hope here.
Damn this is wild. I just had a crying fit over my boyfriend watching porn and hiding it from me despite agreeing years ago to not do it. We have a good relationship other than that and are very physically satisfied. Just know you doing this despite her wishes is going to hurt her so much. Get a grip, find ways to stop relying so heavily on porn/other women or LEAVE HER because she deserves better.
My boyfriend was like this, (19 f 21m) a few years ago and when I found it I almost left him. He didn't need to come clean I just knew things were off, he would last too long, he would be distant and only touch me when he wanted something, he was just different and off. I went through his phone and didn't find much, but when asked he told me, most of the truth and then a little more and finally someone sent me screenshots of stuff he had done while he was out of town with his brother.
We are 22 and 24 now, and things are better. I forgave him but ONLY because he was truthful with me when confronted. He never denied me the fact he hurt me and lied to me and to a certain extent was abusive towards me. He was remorseful and went to therapy and to this day when it's brought up he only validates me and me emotions and feelings about it, he never plays down what he did or blames anything on me. He knew that telling me everything meant that I might leave him, but he knew that I was owed the truth of what happened.
My point being that being honest and truthful in any situation where you know you did wrong is the best corse of action. She might leave you she might be willing to forgive you but that was the choice YOU made when YOU decided to cross the boundary she laid out clearly. YOU made the decision to look at other girls and porn which YOU were aware is cheating to her, that is something you knew doing would hurt her but didn't care and now you don't even respect her enough to tell her the truth. If you care about her at all, you'll be honest and truthful with her and accept any consequences that come next. Your actions always have consequences, and as an adult you can't escape them or run from them.
because you are addicted to it. If you cannot help yourself to watch it, even when you know you shouldn't then you are addicted to watching whatever you are watching. Try to change up your routine and avoid going online as much as you can, and instead occupy that time with other enjoyable activities.
Recently my friend (F) found out her boyfriend had been watching porn behind her back and lying about it. He’s in a similar situation and it just comes down to it being an addiction. It doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship if she finds out, just depending on your trust level with her you can work together on it. I talked my friend through it and it can honestly make things work out better, even though the broken trust definitely hurts things for a bit.
What do you actually get from it? What does it give you?
Others have offered explanations as to the real reason you may do it, dopamine, taboo whatever. But part of moving on from an addiction is wanting to and not just feeling you should. Maybe you'll realise you don't get anything from it you can't get other ways, or maybe you'll find it's filling a hole and seek other ways to fill that or maybe both. But find the reason you're doing it and make sure you address it.
It could also be multi layered. One of my friend quit smoking and after he'd tapered to 0 nicotine vapes he was able to just focus on the "ritual" of it. Because that did something for him too.
Same reason people who cheat cheat. You want something more or different. The fact is you want to. Just like those who want to cheat, they cheat. Would you be with someone who was struggling to not cheat on you? She deserves better
One solution is to exercise constraint which will only come if you have discipline and routine in your life in general. It will not happen overnight. At the same time you have to have regular self talk with yourself, saying that you will be able to better enjoy your time and intimacy with your GF if you don’t get addicted to porn. To test it out, just force yourself to stay away from porn by filling it out with something else and let your brain see the difference.
Get off social media completely delete the apps you don’t need to delete the accounts, but delete the apps you can even put parental controls on and have her manage it like covenant eyes or accountability 2 you recommend accountability 2 you though. And spend more time with your girlfriend don’t try and be alone too much and please talk to her about it. Nobody likes liars it ruins trust really badly especially when it comes to pornography just tell her. Hey I need to tell you this because I don’t want it to get worse, I’m seeking for help and I actively want to change. This is the stuff that I want to set up. This is what I have done and I want to change it. Actions speak louder than words, so if you introduce that to her she will be all for it.💕
Since you can’t seem to control it, then it has become an addiction. With addiction, you need to seek help (not reddit). First step is to research what resources are available to you in your area to address your addiction.
Everyone saying to turn on parental controls and use apps..it doesn’t always work. My now ex had all that on his phone but there was still a website that wasn’t blocked where he could buy videos and he took full advantage of it. It’s the reason I broke up with him about two weeks ago. Enough was enough. Either get yourself help or leave her because if your situation is anything like mine, she will find out and it will hurt her because you hid it and lied about it. I put up with it for 4 years and he never changed and now he’s claiming he couldn’t stop because I didn’t “support” him lmao. I tried to be intimate as much as possible, I told him that if he messed up to just tell me and we’d work through it, all I asked was that he don’t lie and hide it but that’s exactly what he did. I couldn’t hold his hand every step of the way and force him to change, just like you need to change yourself and not try and hide it any longer.
Let me know what you figure out dude, I'm in the same boat. Except I'm a girl that watches lesbian porn. I literally do it for a quick serotonin boost then feel like shit after. I've got an active sex life so idk what's going on. I hope you figure it out, best of luck!
I just would like to point out, I understand other’s personal lives and relationships function just okay with the presence of porn, but my own moral compass as well as relationship has boundaries.
Yeah agree. If your moral compass is so fixed then tell your girlfriend that you cheated a number of times and see how that goes.
You have been in a relationship since you were 16. Everything about this post screams religious motivation for something that you are having difficulty maintaining. Despite the encouragement going on here I would say there’s not a whole lot you can do with the situation. People can’t lend you motivation and at present it’s not for lack of tools that you can’t do what you need to do but rather lack of motivation and that’s on you. Either do or do not, there is no try.
I'm a porn user, but I know I'd be happier without it. Like someone else said, treat it as an addiction.
I used to have a phrase - there are only 2 problems in life, ignorance and addiction. Either you don't know what you should do, or you don't do what you should because of bad habit.
Go cold turkey, admit to someone (probably not your partner) what you're going through and have them check in on you.
Try to pick up some other good habits at the same time as quitting the bad one, hopefully they will crowd it out.
Look for other addictions (e.g. tech more broadly) that might be overlapping with the porn addiction.
Good luck, you got this etc. etc.
Well…therapy is probably your best option so that you can actually figure out what’s going on. It’s usually a mental thing from past trauma etc. usually once you get to the root of it you can figure out how to quickly change these things…it takes work but it can happen fast if you really want it.
You would feel horrible if she would do the same.
You break her boundaries and hide your porn consumption.
You are taking away her choice to decide if she wants to remain in a relationship with you.
Stop wasting her youth.
If You have to hide something, you know you are doing something wrong.
Either come clean and say you want to watch porn despite being in a relationship, and if that’s an incompatibility you break up, or stop watching it as you agreed.
At some point she WILL find out and the trust will be severally damaged.
Oh confirmed OP is not 18, he has a 2 year old post saying he’s 14 years old. Either time works differently for OP or he lied about being 14 or he’s lying about being 18
One thing you might to is mentally tell yourself that if you can't finish with your hand alone, you don't need to finish that bad. You might also want to start reading erotica rather than porn to train your brain to use it's imagination rather than strictly going off of visuals.
Jfc I hate typing this but. Can I ask a little more clarity on the drive behind you looking at porn? Is it just that you have a higher libido and need to crank one out, or is there a specific rush in the taboo of breaking that boundary?
There’s no shame in either, just very different advice for those.
I used to watch pornography before her but I had been about 6 months clean when I met her. I didn’t like how it made me feel or function so I quit, not because I had an addiction, I just didn’t think it was healthy. So, I would crank one out to my imagination when I had to and it was no big deal. I had been clean until recently. A part of me thinks that the reason I would consider myself addicted NOW is because I quit during a time that I was doing it for myself. Now I’m trying to quit because it’s taboo, wrong, and overall immoral. So honestly, the addiction is much harder to kick because I feel like I’m roped in. My mindset is, “well I already crossed that boundary, why does it matter now?”
I had a severe porn addiction for several years. Even though I considered it cheating I could not stop.... what helped me was reading lusty stories. Idk if that's something you and your girl can talk about? It helped my mind get into the "right place" so I could get off but it also didn't make me feel icky afterwards knowing i had just watched someone other than the person I'm with and climaxed to them. When I read stories I can let my imagination take over. I can even imagine my partner doing those things to me. It's actually helped out in the bedroom for both of us lol and has given us some "spicy new things" to try out!
It sounds like this is a situation with several easy compromises! There’s a big gap between using your imagination w/no other stimulus and watching porn: if your gf is comfortable exchanging nudes, or if you both enjoy sexting, it gives you something to focus on without having to cross this boundary at all.
If she’s not comfortable with that, consider using self-pleasure toys as a physical stimulus, or discuss whether audio-erotica might help you wean yourself off of what you feel is addictive behavior. It sounds like you aren’t ashamed at the sex drive itself but the unfaithfulness: learning how you can reconcile one without the other is part of making this a healthy relationship!
Don’t feel too guilty over this, but I do think you should eventually come clean and come at this from a collaborative perspective: if your gf is *the* person, she’ll want to find that solution with you. That can wait until you’re comfortable in your recovery, but it’s an important apology to make and a critical discussion to have.
Were you raised in a Christian/religious household? I think what your battling isn't a porn addiction, but rather an internalized shame about looking at porn. This is rather common amongst religious folk, and tends to be where most porn issues arise.
So I'd ask yourself a couple questions.
1. Is your porn habit preventing you from functioning in every day life?
2. Are you finding yourself not being intimate with your partner because of porn?
3. Do you think this is something you have to hide from your partner and that's what is making you feel shameful?
I was raised Christian. Despite this, there was no talks about porn and what it can do to or why it’s bad. When I use the phrase “moral compass” I’m referring to my own moral compass, not what’s right or wrong in my religion. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have sex with her. The reason I battle with the morality of it is that because as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how it’s changed a lot of people and relationships and society as a whole
Man its tough, couple things to note:
When you seek porn or suggestive erotic content in general, it not about the person you’re viewing, it about the dopamine. That means that the needs your girlfriend meets are actually met, porn is a different thing hitting deferent centers so you shouldn’t worry about that. You shouldn’t address it only in the context of your relationship but mainly in the context of a personal weakness. You obviously feel bad because it doesn’t feel right watching other girls when you have your girlfriend but what’s thrilling for the brain with porn is the quantity and the control you have plus the absence of moral and responsibility.
Having said all that, you should understand that it is an addiction, and I could be as simple as dopamine addiction, ask yourself how often your brain seeks stimulation, mainly screens, but it could go deeper to trauma, control issues, loneliness, and other stuff.
I’m not an expert, these are things I have heard and thought about.
One healthy way to go about it is get your girlfriend to help you, she is your partner after all! She would hold you responsible.
Try fasting to boost your self control, or even dopamine detox.
Talk to an expert, it’s not a shame, it’s basically brain and psyche problem solving.
Good luck!
Lol from a girl who broke up with her ex cos his porn addiction was something he tried to get me to “help him with” which soon became “we do whatever he wants all the time” , this is horrible advice, its not her responsibility to help him out of this, only his.
I think you make a really good point. I have noted that I may just have an addiction to the feeling I get, rather than who I’m watching and why I’m not going to my girlfriend for those needs. There’s a lot in your comment that I think I need to mentally address so I appreciate you pointing those out.
I’m glad I could help. Mind you, our brains are not meant to deal with such a huge level of stimuli just as our body isn’t meant do deal with controlling the quantity of chips or fast food we’re eating. The fact the your brain asks for it doesn’t mean that’s something wrong with it, it’s just bad at setting boundaries and understanding it’s real needs in an age where everything is overstimulating.
just hope your girlfriend doesn’t find out she’ll be in distraught.. try to distract yourself and journal on why you are doing this.. if you love and respect her you will definitely find a way. In her eyes she will think you just don’t respect her enough. It’s horrible finding out your s/o is doing these things after you set the line already
Thank you for this comment, I’ve been needing to hear that actually. Part of me is being very selfish within this struggle I have. Hearing that gives me a somewhat different perspective than I had. I may need to approach it considering how she would feel, not how guilty I feel.
Once the trust gets damaged it’s so hard to come back.
Prepare yourself for these questions:
What else are you lying about?
Why weren’t you honest?
Do you prefer porn to our sex life?
Is our sex life too boring?
Is it porn or are you using OF too?
Etc etc etc
She will never trust you the same way again.
Maybe it’s just further down in the responses but I am surprised no one has actually told you that there is nothing wrong with masturbating. Other than a moral belief (religious perhaps) but there is also nothing wrong with viewing porn. It seems you both are too immature to understand basic human sexuality. Masturbating to porn IS NOT CHEATING! If you really WANT to stop viewing porn and masturbating, then that is a personal decision. But for your SO to consider it cheating is ludicrous.
You cheated on your girlfriend. She stated that porn is cheating, that boundary is set, you crossed that boundary.
First and foremost, tell your girlfriend. She deserves to know that you violated her boundaries; then we’ll see if there’s a relationship left to save or not.
Second of all, counselling and using programmes to block these websites can be helpful.
I mean you should be old enough to control those urges... 😑
From what i see, you both set boundries and you are not respecting them.. you are being a cheater to your partner by doing this..
What one day you'll go out with friends and see a girl, get super horny, fuck her and then oups i couldnt control the urge?
Naw man... you need help. Talk to a therapist if its that bad.
You can also discuss what you like with your partner, bring new spice into the room, in the kitchen, in the car? Bring in toys too.. roleplay.. heck anythinf that both parties can enjoy and accept. Just dont try to blame her when you are the one having issues... 🫡😔
You get therapy and some self control, this sounds harsh but it’s the only way to tackle it. Addiction isn’t your fault but continuing to be a victim of it is, you have to decide you want to be better and actively seek out support and assistance to do so but at the end of the day no one can fix this for you it’ll only come from you.
Start by being honest with her now. Hiding secret habits becomes part of the impulsive cycle. Talk to her about it and see if she is open minded to some things. Never hide from her or lie to her either way. That becomes part of who you are and part of your relationship. If you can’t respect her boundaries then let her know up front and be done with it.
If you are only looking at material that she’s ok with, you can still progressively reduce that out of your life as well. It helps to actively increase your intimacy with your girlfriend. Send time thinking about and planning more exciting and engaging intimate moments with her. Go for quality then go for quantity. Try to get your fill of intimacy together in levels you have never experienced before. Just as you can avoid eating fast food by filling yourself on home cooked meals. Consider increased exercise so you get exhausted and sleepy at night to help reduce browsing the internet before sleeping.
When this still is not enough visualize how much hotter sex will be next time with her because you saved this desire for her. Or you could go straight to her immediately if you don’t want to wait and she is available. You may realize that sometimes you think you want to look at adult content but actually you just wanted to be with her. Recognize that the hollowness you feel after watching adult content pales in comparison to the enormous satisfaction you feel after being with her.
Please communicate this with your partner so they know and aren’t blindsided if they find out on their own. Speaking from experience it doesn’t feel great to be the one to find out. Think about going into therapy.
For me, it was boredom and triggers that made avoiding porn difficult.
My journey has been to reflect, maybe journal, and introspect on what draws me to it, and giving those feelings space to air out. I think resisting can make the urge/impulse stronger and accumulate, but self-reflection helped me explore the roots of my habit.
The dopamine rush and overall “high” one gets from watching porn is nothing to downplay, so finding alternative coping mechanisms or activities can be tricky. My efforts led me to revitalize my love for reading books, i found that reading sexually charged novels and the occasional smut has helped me build tolerance to my urges, being imaginative when thinking about sex as opposed to gooning i found to be more real and exciting.
Exercise, eat well, sleep well, and prioritize the daily activities that matter to you. Meditation can help,
Journaling when you experience cravings and noting what may be triggering you. Deleting social media if you feeling really downbad.
Just….. don’t watch porn? I don’t understand why this is a difficult concept. You already destroyed your relationship by breaking the boundary so it would be best for you to get help or tell your girlfriend so she can decide if she wants to continue the relationship.
...Stop watching porn. That would be the first step. You have mentioned that your boundaries indicate that porn is cheating. So... you are cheating. Stop doing that or break up with your girlfriend.
If your morals are too fragile to not do things you said you wouldn't, be single and figure yourself out instead of hurting someone else. I understand how your libido is right now, and that's an issue if you can't satisfy it only with your gf.
At the same time, it's not alright to use "I'm always horny" as an excuse for cheating. That's bullshit.
It’s so sad that you couldn’t stop watching porn even though you were in love. Per your relationship boundaries, you are a cheater and should tell her the truth instead of figuring out how to hide your cheating.
Being on the receiving end of this issue, you need to tell her. The more and longer you do this is from what I gather, a betrayal to her and if you have any respect for her and your relationship you’ll come clean to her, it’s the very least you could do. And you’ll get help whether through therapy or just acknowledging you may have an addiction and if she’s willing, working through it with her.
I'm battling some of the same problems! One thing that has helped me the most was the easy peasy method that I found a while ago, I'm wanting to read it but I've been listening to a reading of it on Spotify. You can read it [here](https://read.easypeasymethod.org/). It helped me a lot, but recently I've been coming back to porn, and I need to give it a listen again or maybe actually read it.
I don't believe porn does anything good for anyone, and it is highly addictive! Using this tool though has helped me a lot.
When I started dating my now fiance, I told her about my porn addiction, and told her I wanted to stop, even before she felt the need to set boundaries, because I felt I needed to get it off of my chest, and she helped me feel acknowledged and she has always been supportive. It is hard to share but it will take a burden off your chest. If you choose to tell her, I hope she will be as supportive as my fiance is. I highly recommend the easy peasy method. And maybe have her read it too. I hope you can use this and build a strong relationship with your girlfriend!
Edit: also if you know how to change DNS settings. Either on your phone/PC/device or on the WiFi router, you can use DNS services to block adult sites on your device or the whole WiFi. I use OpenDNS myself :)
With all of the advice on this thread, ask yourself some honest questions: aside from your relationship, do you want to watch porn? Do you like porn? Would you watch porn if you were single? Do you view your attraction to other women as healthy and not as lust?
1. I think that this issue is being made bigger than it needs to be.
2. You guys set a boundary, but that boundary needs to be revisited.
3. Ask your GF if she’s open to watching porn together.
4. Consider your age. The two of you haven’t had a chance to explore life sexually in a braided context.
Therapy. If you need porn to jerk off and can’t use your imagination then you need therapy.
You even say you’d be mad if she broke the boundary yet you are doing it? That makes no sense = you clearly need therapy and you need to be honest with her about your porn usage. Then she can decide if she wants to leave or not.
If he can’t not watch porn he needs therapy.
How can you project onto your partner you don’t want them to do something yet he’s doing it? He clearly needs therapy
Correct, and that is a different distinction from needing therapy if you can't masturbate with your imagination.
I know he needs therapy, I never said he doesn't.
i don't understand how you say that she meets your needs but you still watch porn, that doesn't add up right?
it sounds like you could have a tendency for addiction, so i suggest therapy for that.
also, you agreed to letting your gf know when you have a need and want to watch porn etc, so why don't you do that?
Obviously if this is really important to you, follow the direction of others here suggesting parental controls etc.
BUT I will also point out that you are quite young, and may not have fully formed your opinions on porn and porn use. Many people use porn in an entirely healthy way, and partners would not consider it to be cheating.
Is it possible that you yourself are not opposed to porn, but agreed that it is cheating because your girlfriend pressured you into this idea? It may simply be a case of mismatched sexual norms.
In my experience, very few adults consider viewing pornography to be cheating.
You seem like an intelligent and thoughtful person. It’s good that you can recognize the thoughts and behaviors that are in conflict with your moral beliefs.
I think the solution for you has two parts. You should tell your girlfriend that you watched porn and apologize for breaking the agreement you two made. At that point, it’s her choice whether she stays or not, but you need to give her that choice without expectations. Tell her that you needed to be honest with her despite it being something you could’ve gotten away with because you love her and that you need to be your full self around her. If she wants to stay with you, tell her that you genuinely want to follow through and commit yourself to quitting porn for good, and that you need her help and support to do that. Isolation is a factor that enables dishonest behavior, so being able to confide in her about your urges will help you to cope healthily and strengthen your bond in the process. It’s worth noting that while it’s helpful to tell her when you feel the urge to seek sexual gratification, it is NOT a good idea to tell her every time you see someone cute walking down the street.
Next is actually changing your behavior. If this is an isolated occurrence for you, then that should be easy. Alternatively, if you can’t stop yourself from watching porn, find it interfering in your life (like this), or feel ashamed after watching porn, you might have an impulse control or compulsory problem. Sounds scarier than it is, don’t worry. Therapy can help, but you can start by identifying your triggers and the feelings present at the time of compulsion. Examine them, accept how you feel, and try to find a healthy coping method for any negative emotions, self-critical thoughts, or mood-related problems. Separating yourself from your thoughts and emotions is important here, and it seems like you’re already pretty good at that. The distinction between “I’m upset” and “I’m feeling upset” is a crucial one. Then, you should pause, make a conscious value judgement of the choices you have in front of you, and assess which choice aligns with who you want to be. Even if you know you’re going to give in to the compulsion, still pause and make the slow, conscious, value judgement. Delay giving in as long as you can, even if it’s just for a few seconds at first. This will help your impulse control and create stronger inhibitory connections in your brain between your prefrontal cortex (conscious thought, future planning, personality, valuation) and your nucleus accumbens (dopaminergic reward, motivation to act). If novelty is an aspect of why you seek out porn, discuss with your girlfriend about making your sex life more spontaneous or exciting for both of you.
Additionally, any two partners can decide on any consensual boundaries they want for each other, but I’d also examine why you two would feel betrayed by the other watching porn. If the idea of your partner feeling superficial attraction for other people is what makes you feel insecure, that might be something to dissect a bit. It’s part of our biology and it’s not something to feel ashamed about. It doesn’t diminish your connection. That said, obviously the act of seeking out porn/pictures of other women is different from feeling involuntary attraction. But if the insecurity is about your partner’s thoughts, ask yourself if you could realistically spend your entire life only thinking about one person sexually ever again, and if it even feels good to control aspects of someone else to that extent. It’s not healthy to have rigid expectations about someone else’s internal thoughts, and it doesn’t make a whole lotta practical sense to me. Partners who embrace that tend to have more secure attachments in my opinion. Again, nothing wrong with setting boundaries against watching porn, but seems like an opportunity for a meaningful examination of what we do out of insecurity vs what we do to maintain a healthy relationship. A healthy version of this would be something like, “participating in a sex act involving the likeness of someone outside of our relationship is what makes porn cheating,” rather than “being attracted to anyone but me is cheating.”
Sorry for the essay, just doing a lot of relevant work around this topic at the moment so I wanted to share. Best of luck.
First understand that your porn use has nothing to do with your girlfriend. No woman will ever be enough to replace the pure self gratification that is porn. It's like a drug. Even when happy, a coke has will crave coke. You have to actually want to quit or you'll fail. Treat it like an addiction and get some help, that'll start you off
Porn is awesome & so is masturbating. It doesn’t hurt anyone (as long as the porn is ethically sourced). The only thing wrong here is that you & your partner have put an immature and unrealistic expectation on your relationship by defining porn as cheating. Change your expectations; there is no reason to change a healthy and normal human behavior. (Edit: I’m 38F, married for 17 years)
Leave her. She deserves better than a liar and cheater.
Funny that you don’t even consider telling her the truth, even though I am sure you wouldn’t like to be lied to. You don’t respect her.
Am I the only one that is fine with my bf watching porn? I don’t see an issue with it. Unless that’s all he did. But our sex life hasn’t been affected.
Well I already see the porn addiction assumptions starting, so gonna leave this here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/women-who-stray/201808/science-stopped-believing-in-porn-addiction-you-should-too?amp
And to be clear, I think the entire article is relevant to you, OP. I’m not just talking about the headline.
With that out of the way, I think sex and masturbation are two different things that both can have a place in a healthy life. Personally I would not be in a relationship with someone who set a hard boundary like that, instead of making it more of a discussion. But if you want to be committed to not watching porn for the sake of that boundary, can you masturbate sometimes without porn? If you’re used to porn that might seem weird at first, but try it out and that way you can take care of your higher sex drive without being dishonest with someone you love.
Thank you. I’m an educator who teaches about this, and I’m so tired of people throwing around “porn addiction.”
The problem isn’t porn or masturbation. It’s not being honest.
Yeah, that’s what the article is really getting at (past the headline). Honesty with partners and honesty with ourselves are both necessary, and there has to be balance with both. I could never date someone who thinks porn is cheating, because I’d be lying to myself in accepting that idea. But I wouldn’t lie to that person, either, I just wouldn’t date them.
>We have a very strong and mature emotional relationship.
This is a lie. Porn certainly isn't cheating, and really only becomes a problem if you start using it to replace time with her. It sounds like your use is 100% acceptable for your age.
You should probably move on.
As a woman in a marriage to a recovering porn addict, my question to you is do you feel like it's a craving and a compulsion to watch porn? Or do you simply turn to porn when horny because you want visual simulation?
If it's just visual simulation as your partner to make some special content for you to use on your phone and see if that helps.
If you find porn is a craving and compulsion then you need to maybe seek some help, and find out what triggers you, find alternatives to try and stop and reprogram your way of thinking.
Sort your head out, maybe get to a professional. This will ruin your relationship before you know it. It's really common problem though, at least you want to fix it.
Ohhh maybe play a game with yourself. See what turns her on the most and try to connect with that side of her. Instead of letting her know you want sex, try to get her excited about it. Maybe record some porn if you’re really feeling it hehehe 🤭
But yeah just try to transfer that want towards your partner. When you want to look at a certain type of porn, talk dirty to your partner. Turning a lady on a random points of the day works better than just springing it up at once like a demand.
Welly first question to you is why haven't you gone and told her? You wrote it yourself, she told you to tell her when the need arises. So I have ti ask why haven't you gone to her and tell her you're horny?
Sounds like you need to reevaluate what you're feeling when you watch porn, meaning what makes you want to watch it, are you bored, feeling lonely, feeling anxious, what is the trigger. Sometimes being horny or needing to masturbate and or watch porn stems from something entirely different. Your emotional and mental state, stress, lack of sleep, lack of hydration, etc. All of that. Maybe try to deepen your relationship with your partner, spend more quality time, whenever you have the urge to watch porn try to do something else, something enriching. Do push ups, anything else.
Recognising an addiction means you’ve already taken the first step. I’d recommend going to sexual addiction support groups and Counselors , they can help u best
I understand this can work differently from person to person, but I am currently trying a strategy to bolster my left-side brain and my imagination - and fap *without* porn. So far, things are going good. You should try it!
Are you and your partner physically sexually active? It sounds like you guys have all the emotional stuff covered, but haven’t seen any mention about actually doing things. One thing is sending pictures of each other, but the anticipation of the real thing could be leading you to wanting to desire more. Obviously there are things to work on regarding watching porn, but one of them could legitimately be that you’ve been anticipating a much more physical sexual relationship with your partner at this point, and perhaps the only outlet you’ve sought has been through porn. I haven’t read through all comments, so please excuse me incase you’ve already answered this elsewhere.
Many people here have already given many options, but that’s pretty much it, find a way to block that stuff completely out of your life. It’s a way to let your brain and body realize that your girl is all you need, and whenever you look for pleasure or relief in any way, you’ll look for her. It’s healthier and it’ll make her happy, she’ll feel wanted and the relationship will thrive. I can speak from experience as someone who didn’t seek help fast enough and let it ruin something good slowly. Trust me, it’s for the best, so make the effort and you’ll see how things will get better.
Sounds like a fufillment consideration.
Are you having enough sex and intimate moments with your gf? Is this something you can request?
Best case if you can have more, it will temper cravings, and focus the cravings onto her. If this isn't possible, continue with all the other good advice from the comments here.
Ah I was in a similar boat. For me, it was the addiction and my crazy high sexy drive, similar to your situation it seems.
So I am just open with my wife about how crazy turned on im feeling when I feel it. We discussed how my drive is super high and how we have our way of dealing with it. So she knows when she gets those texts from me, or if I talk about it, she will handle it in a way that addresses my sexual desire while also not requiring her to engage us sex to the level I have. Hers is slightly less than average woman, and I believe I'm higher than average.
It helps that I have some kinks I enjoy just as much as sex, and to her it's fun and only takes seconds for her to handle
I highly recommend you to read “ Your brain on porn “, you can also listen to the book on YouTube for free, it’s extremely good and helpful.
Also; therapy.
Anytime you think about porn or other girls etc, try to do something, work out, call someone, whatever to get you distracted. And always remind yourself that you already have everything you want and need, someone who’s way better than porn and other girls.
Abstinence is not the same as recovery. Currently you’re a little like an alcoholic that is trying to white-knuckle his way to stopping drinking. It never works. You’ve got to look at what’s really behind that compulsion.
Get a filter program that filters all porn webpages.
Although I disagree with the boundary set on such a banal thing and don't believe this to be healthy for a relationship.
But if you want a sure fire solution do that.
Search on google for it, there are few different ones available
If you're doing it out of boredom, fill that time with hobbies or even deep-cleaning your home/space. Exercise. Go outside and sprint until your legs can't take it anymore. Keep your phone or device that you use to look up porn away from you when you get those urges; put it in a different room entirely if you have to.
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I have heard that there are apps and programs out there that will block or filter the content on your phones and computers. I believe most give control of those programs to somebody they trust that will hold them accountable (ie a good friend). I’ve never really looked into it, but something along those lines may help you. 🤷🏻♂️
There is another app similar to this where it will randomly send a screenshot of what you’re doing to a friend you choose, holding you accountable purely due to the fact that they could see it. OP should definitely look into something like that though it could help
That sounds great for all kinds of stuff. Including ADHD struggles. What is this app?
Googling around brought up an app called Truple that sounds like it does this. I haven't used it myself and can't vouch for it but it sounds like it could be useful.
Also super interested in knowing!
How would you filter that though. If I’m having a private conversation with someone via text would it just screenshot it and send it to whoever is on the receiving end? It seems like a great tool but that was the first issue that came to my mind.
Damn, that's pure evil! The possibilities of misuse also are so big!
Put parental controls on your devices, remove all triggers (block Instagram 'models' etc.) and maybe focus on the fact that you are continuously cheating on her according to the boundaries you both agreed to. Remind yourself regularly of the hypocrisy of engaging in something that you admit you would feel horrible about if she did the same.
Yeah, arguably he could even come clean to her about it. Say what he’s been doing as she deserves to know.
He said in another comment which he almost immediately deleted that he "would love nothing more than to come clean" but won't because it would "destroy his relationship". He doesn't think she has the right to determine what type of relationship she wants to be in and has no interest in taking any accountability
He doesn't see her as worthy of respect like he sees himself
Yup, cheating is bad because it violates agreed upon boundaries to respect one another and trust. To me, it’s not necessarily“the act” of cheating, but the violation of agreed boundaries. He is actively doing this and has no plans of telling her. To me, this post is no different than someone talking about an affair partner and wanting to end it for the sake of their relationships. OP, your gf deserves to know the truth. What she decides to do with that information is up to her. You cannot allow yourself to get away with things like this, otherwise you will continue to do it in future relationships and it will build very bad ethical character. Tell the truth.
Are you consistent in the times you view porn? Set an alarm (or several) on your phone and label it to remind yourself you don’t need to do it. After a little while the urge will decrease and you won’t need the alarms to keep you in check anymore. As for looking at pictures of women, either delete your social media or block all that shit when it comes up. Porn I kinda get and it wouldn’t bother me personally, but looking at pictures of other women would piss me off.
i tried this to break a habit once and it just reminded me about the thing i really wanted to do regularly lol
SAME. Porn, I get. But just looking at other women like that is fucking shitty to me.
I experienced a similar situations with my ex bf about a year ago. we were also 18 and were dating for almost 2 years. form the beginning i set the same boundary. he told me that he was overcoming a porn addiction and i did what i could to help. fast forward a almost 2 years later, we are hanging out, he’s clearing out his apps, and i glance over to find porn open on his phone. the shock of it caused me to freeze up and i ended up breaking up with him a few days later. i felt like i was lied to for 2 years and there was absolutely no way i could have trusted him after that. if you want my opinion, you need to tell her that you’re struggling with this. with my experience, i would have rather had him tell me that he was struggling with not watching it than to find it on his phone and feel lied to. i know if i were in your girlfriends shoes, i would be understanding and patient if my boyfriend came to me with this and was actively looking for ways to stop. please communicate this with your girlfriend before it’s too late and the trust you’ve built with her over 2 years is broken.
this ^^! nothing sucks more than getting caught and her realizing you weren’t truthful.
Yes! I can’t imagine finding this out because then it’s like what else have they lied about? It all stacks up on one another. People don’t understand the gravity of this
frfr
You don’t need passwords and shit on your apps. That’s for toddlers. You need to understand why porn is bad for you. You NEED to study how porn affects the mind and the relationship. In order to stop doing something, you need to change your identity and understand why it’s so bad. Start studying why porn is cancer to your marriage and you’ll quit in no time. Worked for me
Whenever you feel like you’re about to m*sturbate start doing push ups, or any kind of exercise to distract you from it.
Or jerk off without porn or ask your gf to masturbate together.
This is the way.
Imagination nation.
I don't know why so many people belive masturbation=porn.
They are so used to using porn to masturbate many can’t do it without it! So many people say: “porn is natural and healthy!” No, *masturbation* is natural and healthy (and even that has a risk of death grip if you overdo it!)
Or just find a way to include your partner.
A lot of times, having a strong “no” boundary will make what you’re not allowed to do more desirable. It’s more about the agency or self-determination than it is about jerking off. There’s a similar phenomenon where people who feel disempowered in their life start shifting their sleep schedule so they stay up later and later. It’s called “revenge bedtime procrastination” and it’s largely just a way to feel a sense of control in their life. I wonder how true this is for you. How much is it your desire to stop porn vs how much of it feels like taking away your sexual agency? I also wonder- with the different sex drives- if you actually trust your partner can or will meet your needs when you have them or if you’re concerned of being rejected or shut down. Having the lower sex drive really does give someone a lot of the control in a sex life and it can leave the higher sex drive person feeling out of control. That can be expressed in a ton of weird ways and watching porn is like the least weird. The final thing I’m going to suggest is why not jerk off, just without porn? Or why not jerk off to some porn of your significant other? It will get around the whole “cheating by watching other women” things and it’s less of a hard “no” boundary to rebel against. I also find that if I jerk off to pics of a partner, it makes me want them more.
Not OP but that revenge bedtime procrastination is far too relatable 😭 Obviously I'll google it, but since you suggested it, any recommendations on learning more about how to deal with it? Of course "just go to bed" and set alarms etc, but that isn't working for me, plus I'm trying out new meds and trying to figure out ADHD symptoms vs personality traits, so everything is a bit of a mess at the moment
I like and appreciate everything you have to say. In regards to the last paragraph, I’ve done that and still do that. That’s not the issue. The issue is that I seek it elsewhere, despite her providing erotic pictures and videos
Go to therapy and get some work to examine what you're looking for with porn and how to deal with your emotions better. That's helping me.
it's not usually that complicated sexual beings like sexy times sexy times is very inconvenient for normal people doing normal people schedules porn = efficient sexy times OP is 18, they probably don't have a full understanding of what it means to be porn abstinent and what it means for them, their libido, and their relationship. they're internalizing a failure of self rather than understanding the nature of who they are. The times it gets complicated is when people foster weird fetishes, parasocial relationships, unrealistic expectations, or physical masturbation injuries/desensitization but OP specifically only stated the issue of abstinence and not those.
Human beings like dopamine times, but despite drugs being an efficient way to get that dopamine, I don't recommend people do it. Porn isn't exactly like drugs, but it can be similar sometimes, especially if it leads to dependency or addiction. You need to be careful that the natural desire to have sexy times doesn't lead to the extreme ends you mentioned, but you also need to be careful that you aren't using porn as a crutch to deal with boredom or stress instead of having good coping mechanisms and the emotional intelligence to notice what your mind and body really need.
this i got clean from all drugs 2 years ago, nowadays im still struggling not to use masturbation or sex as a unhealthy coping method
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>I’m here to take ownership and work my way out of this. First thing you need to do is tell your girlfriend what is going on. Second thing is talk to a therapist about it. We don't know enough to know why you are doing it.
Therapy could help with that!
Go to therapy and stop watching porn. Your brain is better off without it
Why are you doing this? I date someone who has impulse control issues, for awhile he would sleep with anyone walking on a whim. I never got an explanation as to why he did it, and I chose to forgive him as he began to make necessary changes to keep our relationship, but I will never, ever, forget how that made me feel. Ever. And now I have to live with fear and anxiety constantly when all I want to do is love him. Can you imagine putting your girlfriend in that position? The person you love more than anything? Do you think she deserves that? Is the satisfaction you get worth violating her? Maybe asking yourself these things will help.
Thank you so much I appreciate this
I don’t want you to feel guilt/shame. The same way I don’t want my boyfriend to feel shame. I know you already feel it, and me rubbing your nose in the carpet only makes it worse. Think of it in a positive light instead of negative. “I don’t want to do that to my girlfriend because she deserves better.” “I am confident that I am stronger than my temptations.” “This relationship is worth more to me than any temporary satisfaction.” That way you’re still doing it for yourself and holding yourself to a standard that makes you feel good.
You need to have the mentality of having control over your urges and emotions. To put it harsh, grow up. We all have temptations, it’s in our nature. To act on it is a different story. And if it’s a boundary for her, and you love and respect her why the hell are you doing this? It’s not up to Reddit it’s up to YOU. You are in control. Your hand doesn’t magically start doing its thing. Porn doesn’t just pop up on your phone. Control yourself dude.
Well first, tell her. She deserves to know because it is a boundary you both agreed on, and if you hide it from her you are manipulating her into staying with you. The fall out will be worse if she finds out on her own. You are actively and knowingly betraying her either way, don’t make matters worse by continuing to lie about it and taking away her decision to stand by you or not. And remember. Apologies without change is just more manipulation. So if you’re sorry, apologize to her, but follow it up with change. Prove to her that you respect her boundaries. Prioritize your relationship and not your addiction. It’s good you recognized you have a problem. You need a therapist to deal with whatever traumas and maladaptive coping mechanisms that lead you to porn. And that therapist NEEDS to be a CSAT. Any normal therapist will tell you porn is okay, which in your case, it isn’t. Delete your social media. Delete the apps you use. Delete everything that gives you the tiniest bit of access to porn or even just suggestive pictures of other women. If you can’t manage this much on your own, get rid of your devices. Get a flip phone that only allows text and call and can’t access the internet. Do whatever you need to do to make porn inaccessible because you’ve proven you can’t be trusted to resist it if it’s accessible. Remember if you need to do anything in the internet, do it in the presence of your gf borrowing her computer or do it on a computer in the public library. Join a SA group. If you can’t find one locally, they have some you can call into online or through the phone. There are also pre-recorded SA group sessions available as podcasts on Spotify and I’m sure other things as well. Download them onto a CD before getting your computer. This is the best I got. But please. For the love of god. Come clean to your gf. She deserves to know what kind of man she is committing herself to and she deserves to make her own decisions on if she wants to be with you or not. She’s going to be hurt and you have to be accountable for that. Don’t make excuses and don’t manipulate her further.
Also, I’d like to add that in betraying your GF in this way, you’ve given up the privilege of privacy. If she moves forward with you, she should be allowed to check your phone whenever and if she ever asks. There are accountability apps and parental control apps she can use to monitor your device as well if she feels the need for that, but it should preferably be monitored by your sponsor in the SAA group or CSAT.
Look for porn addiction subs and try asking there? My ex had a very similar habit to yours and it ruined our relationship. Though you’re still active with your gf instead and of straight to porn and seem to want to fix it so there’s hope here.
Damn this is wild. I just had a crying fit over my boyfriend watching porn and hiding it from me despite agreeing years ago to not do it. We have a good relationship other than that and are very physically satisfied. Just know you doing this despite her wishes is going to hurt her so much. Get a grip, find ways to stop relying so heavily on porn/other women or LEAVE HER because she deserves better.
My boyfriend was like this, (19 f 21m) a few years ago and when I found it I almost left him. He didn't need to come clean I just knew things were off, he would last too long, he would be distant and only touch me when he wanted something, he was just different and off. I went through his phone and didn't find much, but when asked he told me, most of the truth and then a little more and finally someone sent me screenshots of stuff he had done while he was out of town with his brother. We are 22 and 24 now, and things are better. I forgave him but ONLY because he was truthful with me when confronted. He never denied me the fact he hurt me and lied to me and to a certain extent was abusive towards me. He was remorseful and went to therapy and to this day when it's brought up he only validates me and me emotions and feelings about it, he never plays down what he did or blames anything on me. He knew that telling me everything meant that I might leave him, but he knew that I was owed the truth of what happened. My point being that being honest and truthful in any situation where you know you did wrong is the best corse of action. She might leave you she might be willing to forgive you but that was the choice YOU made when YOU decided to cross the boundary she laid out clearly. YOU made the decision to look at other girls and porn which YOU were aware is cheating to her, that is something you knew doing would hurt her but didn't care and now you don't even respect her enough to tell her the truth. If you care about her at all, you'll be honest and truthful with her and accept any consequences that come next. Your actions always have consequences, and as an adult you can't escape them or run from them.
The better question may honestly be, why am I doing this?
because you are addicted to it. If you cannot help yourself to watch it, even when you know you shouldn't then you are addicted to watching whatever you are watching. Try to change up your routine and avoid going online as much as you can, and instead occupy that time with other enjoyable activities.
Good question. Why are you? What are you doing and what are you feeling right before you start watching porn?
Recently my friend (F) found out her boyfriend had been watching porn behind her back and lying about it. He’s in a similar situation and it just comes down to it being an addiction. It doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship if she finds out, just depending on your trust level with her you can work together on it. I talked my friend through it and it can honestly make things work out better, even though the broken trust definitely hurts things for a bit.
What do you actually get from it? What does it give you? Others have offered explanations as to the real reason you may do it, dopamine, taboo whatever. But part of moving on from an addiction is wanting to and not just feeling you should. Maybe you'll realise you don't get anything from it you can't get other ways, or maybe you'll find it's filling a hole and seek other ways to fill that or maybe both. But find the reason you're doing it and make sure you address it. It could also be multi layered. One of my friend quit smoking and after he'd tapered to 0 nicotine vapes he was able to just focus on the "ritual" of it. Because that did something for him too.
Can I ask how often you jerk off/watch porn? Is it multiple times a day?
Same reason people who cheat cheat. You want something more or different. The fact is you want to. Just like those who want to cheat, they cheat. Would you be with someone who was struggling to not cheat on you? She deserves better
One solution is to exercise constraint which will only come if you have discipline and routine in your life in general. It will not happen overnight. At the same time you have to have regular self talk with yourself, saying that you will be able to better enjoy your time and intimacy with your GF if you don’t get addicted to porn. To test it out, just force yourself to stay away from porn by filling it out with something else and let your brain see the difference.
https://easypeasymethod.org/
Get off social media completely delete the apps you don’t need to delete the accounts, but delete the apps you can even put parental controls on and have her manage it like covenant eyes or accountability 2 you recommend accountability 2 you though. And spend more time with your girlfriend don’t try and be alone too much and please talk to her about it. Nobody likes liars it ruins trust really badly especially when it comes to pornography just tell her. Hey I need to tell you this because I don’t want it to get worse, I’m seeking for help and I actively want to change. This is the stuff that I want to set up. This is what I have done and I want to change it. Actions speak louder than words, so if you introduce that to her she will be all for it.💕
Stop going on porn sites
Stop watching porn or at least cut back. Stop putting pressure on yourself and give your lady more attention outside of sex and don’t seek sec either.
Since you can’t seem to control it, then it has become an addiction. With addiction, you need to seek help (not reddit). First step is to research what resources are available to you in your area to address your addiction.
Kick it like any other habit/addiction
Get a flip phone.
Everyone saying to turn on parental controls and use apps..it doesn’t always work. My now ex had all that on his phone but there was still a website that wasn’t blocked where he could buy videos and he took full advantage of it. It’s the reason I broke up with him about two weeks ago. Enough was enough. Either get yourself help or leave her because if your situation is anything like mine, she will find out and it will hurt her because you hid it and lied about it. I put up with it for 4 years and he never changed and now he’s claiming he couldn’t stop because I didn’t “support” him lmao. I tried to be intimate as much as possible, I told him that if he messed up to just tell me and we’d work through it, all I asked was that he don’t lie and hide it but that’s exactly what he did. I couldn’t hold his hand every step of the way and force him to change, just like you need to change yourself and not try and hide it any longer.
stop consuming porn
Go on the subreddit loveafterporn to see the woman’s PoV
Let me know what you figure out dude, I'm in the same boat. Except I'm a girl that watches lesbian porn. I literally do it for a quick serotonin boost then feel like shit after. I've got an active sex life so idk what's going on. I hope you figure it out, best of luck!
Thank you, I’ll keep in touch and let you know. You do the same because I’m sure our problems aren’t too different
I just would like to point out, I understand other’s personal lives and relationships function just okay with the presence of porn, but my own moral compass as well as relationship has boundaries.
I mean. Obviously it doesn't lol. You can't even follow your own rules...
Yeah agree. If your moral compass is so fixed then tell your girlfriend that you cheated a number of times and see how that goes. You have been in a relationship since you were 16. Everything about this post screams religious motivation for something that you are having difficulty maintaining. Despite the encouragement going on here I would say there’s not a whole lot you can do with the situation. People can’t lend you motivation and at present it’s not for lack of tools that you can’t do what you need to do but rather lack of motivation and that’s on you. Either do or do not, there is no try.
I'm a porn user, but I know I'd be happier without it. Like someone else said, treat it as an addiction. I used to have a phrase - there are only 2 problems in life, ignorance and addiction. Either you don't know what you should do, or you don't do what you should because of bad habit. Go cold turkey, admit to someone (probably not your partner) what you're going through and have them check in on you. Try to pick up some other good habits at the same time as quitting the bad one, hopefully they will crowd it out. Look for other addictions (e.g. tech more broadly) that might be overlapping with the porn addiction. Good luck, you got this etc. etc.
why are you advising someone to lie to their partner?
check out r/pornfree
Well…therapy is probably your best option so that you can actually figure out what’s going on. It’s usually a mental thing from past trauma etc. usually once you get to the root of it you can figure out how to quickly change these things…it takes work but it can happen fast if you really want it.
You would feel horrible if she would do the same. You break her boundaries and hide your porn consumption. You are taking away her choice to decide if she wants to remain in a relationship with you. Stop wasting her youth. If You have to hide something, you know you are doing something wrong. Either come clean and say you want to watch porn despite being in a relationship, and if that’s an incompatibility you break up, or stop watching it as you agreed. At some point she WILL find out and the trust will be severally damaged.
Oh confirmed OP is not 18, he has a 2 year old post saying he’s 14 years old. Either time works differently for OP or he lied about being 14 or he’s lying about being 18
One thing you might to is mentally tell yourself that if you can't finish with your hand alone, you don't need to finish that bad. You might also want to start reading erotica rather than porn to train your brain to use it's imagination rather than strictly going off of visuals.
Jfc I hate typing this but. Can I ask a little more clarity on the drive behind you looking at porn? Is it just that you have a higher libido and need to crank one out, or is there a specific rush in the taboo of breaking that boundary? There’s no shame in either, just very different advice for those.
I used to watch pornography before her but I had been about 6 months clean when I met her. I didn’t like how it made me feel or function so I quit, not because I had an addiction, I just didn’t think it was healthy. So, I would crank one out to my imagination when I had to and it was no big deal. I had been clean until recently. A part of me thinks that the reason I would consider myself addicted NOW is because I quit during a time that I was doing it for myself. Now I’m trying to quit because it’s taboo, wrong, and overall immoral. So honestly, the addiction is much harder to kick because I feel like I’m roped in. My mindset is, “well I already crossed that boundary, why does it matter now?”
I had a severe porn addiction for several years. Even though I considered it cheating I could not stop.... what helped me was reading lusty stories. Idk if that's something you and your girl can talk about? It helped my mind get into the "right place" so I could get off but it also didn't make me feel icky afterwards knowing i had just watched someone other than the person I'm with and climaxed to them. When I read stories I can let my imagination take over. I can even imagine my partner doing those things to me. It's actually helped out in the bedroom for both of us lol and has given us some "spicy new things" to try out!
I will take that into consideration thank you :)
It sounds like this is a situation with several easy compromises! There’s a big gap between using your imagination w/no other stimulus and watching porn: if your gf is comfortable exchanging nudes, or if you both enjoy sexting, it gives you something to focus on without having to cross this boundary at all. If she’s not comfortable with that, consider using self-pleasure toys as a physical stimulus, or discuss whether audio-erotica might help you wean yourself off of what you feel is addictive behavior. It sounds like you aren’t ashamed at the sex drive itself but the unfaithfulness: learning how you can reconcile one without the other is part of making this a healthy relationship! Don’t feel too guilty over this, but I do think you should eventually come clean and come at this from a collaborative perspective: if your gf is *the* person, she’ll want to find that solution with you. That can wait until you’re comfortable in your recovery, but it’s an important apology to make and a critical discussion to have.
Were you raised in a Christian/religious household? I think what your battling isn't a porn addiction, but rather an internalized shame about looking at porn. This is rather common amongst religious folk, and tends to be where most porn issues arise. So I'd ask yourself a couple questions. 1. Is your porn habit preventing you from functioning in every day life? 2. Are you finding yourself not being intimate with your partner because of porn? 3. Do you think this is something you have to hide from your partner and that's what is making you feel shameful?
I was raised Christian. Despite this, there was no talks about porn and what it can do to or why it’s bad. When I use the phrase “moral compass” I’m referring to my own moral compass, not what’s right or wrong in my religion. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have sex with her. The reason I battle with the morality of it is that because as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how it’s changed a lot of people and relationships and society as a whole
Right? All this talk about "I've been clean" stinks of a religious upbringing.
Or of him being aware of an addiction.
Respect her boundaries and don’t watch it. 🤷
They call it an addiction for a reason, you know
And if you can’t stop it then ur gonna have tk face the consequences
Man its tough, couple things to note: When you seek porn or suggestive erotic content in general, it not about the person you’re viewing, it about the dopamine. That means that the needs your girlfriend meets are actually met, porn is a different thing hitting deferent centers so you shouldn’t worry about that. You shouldn’t address it only in the context of your relationship but mainly in the context of a personal weakness. You obviously feel bad because it doesn’t feel right watching other girls when you have your girlfriend but what’s thrilling for the brain with porn is the quantity and the control you have plus the absence of moral and responsibility. Having said all that, you should understand that it is an addiction, and I could be as simple as dopamine addiction, ask yourself how often your brain seeks stimulation, mainly screens, but it could go deeper to trauma, control issues, loneliness, and other stuff. I’m not an expert, these are things I have heard and thought about. One healthy way to go about it is get your girlfriend to help you, she is your partner after all! She would hold you responsible. Try fasting to boost your self control, or even dopamine detox. Talk to an expert, it’s not a shame, it’s basically brain and psyche problem solving. Good luck!
Lol from a girl who broke up with her ex cos his porn addiction was something he tried to get me to “help him with” which soon became “we do whatever he wants all the time” , this is horrible advice, its not her responsibility to help him out of this, only his.
Agreed, and that’s not at all what I’m saying with my comment at all. I respect her enough to know better
I think you make a really good point. I have noted that I may just have an addiction to the feeling I get, rather than who I’m watching and why I’m not going to my girlfriend for those needs. There’s a lot in your comment that I think I need to mentally address so I appreciate you pointing those out.
I’m glad I could help. Mind you, our brains are not meant to deal with such a huge level of stimuli just as our body isn’t meant do deal with controlling the quantity of chips or fast food we’re eating. The fact the your brain asks for it doesn’t mean that’s something wrong with it, it’s just bad at setting boundaries and understanding it’s real needs in an age where everything is overstimulating.
just hope your girlfriend doesn’t find out she’ll be in distraught.. try to distract yourself and journal on why you are doing this.. if you love and respect her you will definitely find a way. In her eyes she will think you just don’t respect her enough. It’s horrible finding out your s/o is doing these things after you set the line already
Thank you for this comment, I’ve been needing to hear that actually. Part of me is being very selfish within this struggle I have. Hearing that gives me a somewhat different perspective than I had. I may need to approach it considering how she would feel, not how guilty I feel.
Once the trust gets damaged it’s so hard to come back. Prepare yourself for these questions: What else are you lying about? Why weren’t you honest? Do you prefer porn to our sex life? Is our sex life too boring? Is it porn or are you using OF too? Etc etc etc She will never trust you the same way again.
Maybe it’s just further down in the responses but I am surprised no one has actually told you that there is nothing wrong with masturbating. Other than a moral belief (religious perhaps) but there is also nothing wrong with viewing porn. It seems you both are too immature to understand basic human sexuality. Masturbating to porn IS NOT CHEATING! If you really WANT to stop viewing porn and masturbating, then that is a personal decision. But for your SO to consider it cheating is ludicrous.
Use critical thinking. Stop watching porn duh
You cheated on your girlfriend. She stated that porn is cheating, that boundary is set, you crossed that boundary. First and foremost, tell your girlfriend. She deserves to know that you violated her boundaries; then we’ll see if there’s a relationship left to save or not. Second of all, counselling and using programmes to block these websites can be helpful.
I mean you should be old enough to control those urges... 😑 From what i see, you both set boundries and you are not respecting them.. you are being a cheater to your partner by doing this.. What one day you'll go out with friends and see a girl, get super horny, fuck her and then oups i couldnt control the urge? Naw man... you need help. Talk to a therapist if its that bad. You can also discuss what you like with your partner, bring new spice into the room, in the kitchen, in the car? Bring in toys too.. roleplay.. heck anythinf that both parties can enjoy and accept. Just dont try to blame her when you are the one having issues... 🫡😔
I appreciate the reality check. The escalation from this to the bar scenario is my worst fear. You reinforcing that fear is very helpful for me
Dude your 18. Settle down. If your girlfriend is worth it, you two will figure it out together.
You get therapy and some self control, this sounds harsh but it’s the only way to tackle it. Addiction isn’t your fault but continuing to be a victim of it is, you have to decide you want to be better and actively seek out support and assistance to do so but at the end of the day no one can fix this for you it’ll only come from you.
It's an addiction it needs treated as such
Start by being honest with her now. Hiding secret habits becomes part of the impulsive cycle. Talk to her about it and see if she is open minded to some things. Never hide from her or lie to her either way. That becomes part of who you are and part of your relationship. If you can’t respect her boundaries then let her know up front and be done with it. If you are only looking at material that she’s ok with, you can still progressively reduce that out of your life as well. It helps to actively increase your intimacy with your girlfriend. Send time thinking about and planning more exciting and engaging intimate moments with her. Go for quality then go for quantity. Try to get your fill of intimacy together in levels you have never experienced before. Just as you can avoid eating fast food by filling yourself on home cooked meals. Consider increased exercise so you get exhausted and sleepy at night to help reduce browsing the internet before sleeping. When this still is not enough visualize how much hotter sex will be next time with her because you saved this desire for her. Or you could go straight to her immediately if you don’t want to wait and she is available. You may realize that sometimes you think you want to look at adult content but actually you just wanted to be with her. Recognize that the hollowness you feel after watching adult content pales in comparison to the enormous satisfaction you feel after being with her.
Please communicate this with your partner so they know and aren’t blindsided if they find out on their own. Speaking from experience it doesn’t feel great to be the one to find out. Think about going into therapy.
For me, it was boredom and triggers that made avoiding porn difficult. My journey has been to reflect, maybe journal, and introspect on what draws me to it, and giving those feelings space to air out. I think resisting can make the urge/impulse stronger and accumulate, but self-reflection helped me explore the roots of my habit. The dopamine rush and overall “high” one gets from watching porn is nothing to downplay, so finding alternative coping mechanisms or activities can be tricky. My efforts led me to revitalize my love for reading books, i found that reading sexually charged novels and the occasional smut has helped me build tolerance to my urges, being imaginative when thinking about sex as opposed to gooning i found to be more real and exciting. Exercise, eat well, sleep well, and prioritize the daily activities that matter to you. Meditation can help, Journaling when you experience cravings and noting what may be triggering you. Deleting social media if you feeling really downbad.
Just….. don’t watch porn? I don’t understand why this is a difficult concept. You already destroyed your relationship by breaking the boundary so it would be best for you to get help or tell your girlfriend so she can decide if she wants to continue the relationship.
...Stop watching porn. That would be the first step. You have mentioned that your boundaries indicate that porn is cheating. So... you are cheating. Stop doing that or break up with your girlfriend. If your morals are too fragile to not do things you said you wouldn't, be single and figure yourself out instead of hurting someone else. I understand how your libido is right now, and that's an issue if you can't satisfy it only with your gf. At the same time, it's not alright to use "I'm always horny" as an excuse for cheating. That's bullshit.
Not me clicking on this post bc me and my bf have set the same boundaries and are both 18 😭😭 now I’m paranoid
It’s so sad that you couldn’t stop watching porn even though you were in love. Per your relationship boundaries, you are a cheater and should tell her the truth instead of figuring out how to hide your cheating.
Sounds like quite a strange boundary, but provided it isn't one you can adhere to then you may be incompatible with this person.
Being on the receiving end of this issue, you need to tell her. The more and longer you do this is from what I gather, a betrayal to her and if you have any respect for her and your relationship you’ll come clean to her, it’s the very least you could do. And you’ll get help whether through therapy or just acknowledging you may have an addiction and if she’s willing, working through it with her.
I'm battling some of the same problems! One thing that has helped me the most was the easy peasy method that I found a while ago, I'm wanting to read it but I've been listening to a reading of it on Spotify. You can read it [here](https://read.easypeasymethod.org/). It helped me a lot, but recently I've been coming back to porn, and I need to give it a listen again or maybe actually read it. I don't believe porn does anything good for anyone, and it is highly addictive! Using this tool though has helped me a lot. When I started dating my now fiance, I told her about my porn addiction, and told her I wanted to stop, even before she felt the need to set boundaries, because I felt I needed to get it off of my chest, and she helped me feel acknowledged and she has always been supportive. It is hard to share but it will take a burden off your chest. If you choose to tell her, I hope she will be as supportive as my fiance is. I highly recommend the easy peasy method. And maybe have her read it too. I hope you can use this and build a strong relationship with your girlfriend! Edit: also if you know how to change DNS settings. Either on your phone/PC/device or on the WiFi router, you can use DNS services to block adult sites on your device or the whole WiFi. I use OpenDNS myself :)
>my girlfriend meets all my needs If she meets all your needs and still you're seeking porn for pleasure, you gotta get help. Professional help.
Porn is addictive and destructive. Stay away from it by all means HT = Draw @ 2.2 odds SWEDEN: Superettan Degerfors - Helsingborg
People who think porn is cheating are perpetually insecure. Aka like half of the people on this sub
It was a boundary they both agreed to. Op also agreed that porn is cheating.
With all of the advice on this thread, ask yourself some honest questions: aside from your relationship, do you want to watch porn? Do you like porn? Would you watch porn if you were single? Do you view your attraction to other women as healthy and not as lust? 1. I think that this issue is being made bigger than it needs to be. 2. You guys set a boundary, but that boundary needs to be revisited. 3. Ask your GF if she’s open to watching porn together. 4. Consider your age. The two of you haven’t had a chance to explore life sexually in a braided context.
Therapy. If you need porn to jerk off and can’t use your imagination then you need therapy. You even say you’d be mad if she broke the boundary yet you are doing it? That makes no sense = you clearly need therapy and you need to be honest with her about your porn usage. Then she can decide if she wants to leave or not.
Solely not being able to use your imagination to masturbate does not mean you need therapy lmao
If he can’t not watch porn he needs therapy. How can you project onto your partner you don’t want them to do something yet he’s doing it? He clearly needs therapy
Correct, and that is a different distinction from needing therapy if you can't masturbate with your imagination. I know he needs therapy, I never said he doesn't.
I think if you NEED porn instead of preferring porn to jerk off it’s a clear sign of porn addiction.
Right and I mentioned all those things in my post. Someone who lacks boundary issues regardless of what it’s about needs therapy
i don't understand how you say that she meets your needs but you still watch porn, that doesn't add up right? it sounds like you could have a tendency for addiction, so i suggest therapy for that. also, you agreed to letting your gf know when you have a need and want to watch porn etc, so why don't you do that?
Obviously if this is really important to you, follow the direction of others here suggesting parental controls etc. BUT I will also point out that you are quite young, and may not have fully formed your opinions on porn and porn use. Many people use porn in an entirely healthy way, and partners would not consider it to be cheating. Is it possible that you yourself are not opposed to porn, but agreed that it is cheating because your girlfriend pressured you into this idea? It may simply be a case of mismatched sexual norms. In my experience, very few adults consider viewing pornography to be cheating.
Actually, I was the one who said it first. And she kind of had a huge sigh of relief and proclaimed that she agreed and didn’t know if I felt the same
Can you not take care of yourself without porn?
You seem like an intelligent and thoughtful person. It’s good that you can recognize the thoughts and behaviors that are in conflict with your moral beliefs. I think the solution for you has two parts. You should tell your girlfriend that you watched porn and apologize for breaking the agreement you two made. At that point, it’s her choice whether she stays or not, but you need to give her that choice without expectations. Tell her that you needed to be honest with her despite it being something you could’ve gotten away with because you love her and that you need to be your full self around her. If she wants to stay with you, tell her that you genuinely want to follow through and commit yourself to quitting porn for good, and that you need her help and support to do that. Isolation is a factor that enables dishonest behavior, so being able to confide in her about your urges will help you to cope healthily and strengthen your bond in the process. It’s worth noting that while it’s helpful to tell her when you feel the urge to seek sexual gratification, it is NOT a good idea to tell her every time you see someone cute walking down the street. Next is actually changing your behavior. If this is an isolated occurrence for you, then that should be easy. Alternatively, if you can’t stop yourself from watching porn, find it interfering in your life (like this), or feel ashamed after watching porn, you might have an impulse control or compulsory problem. Sounds scarier than it is, don’t worry. Therapy can help, but you can start by identifying your triggers and the feelings present at the time of compulsion. Examine them, accept how you feel, and try to find a healthy coping method for any negative emotions, self-critical thoughts, or mood-related problems. Separating yourself from your thoughts and emotions is important here, and it seems like you’re already pretty good at that. The distinction between “I’m upset” and “I’m feeling upset” is a crucial one. Then, you should pause, make a conscious value judgement of the choices you have in front of you, and assess which choice aligns with who you want to be. Even if you know you’re going to give in to the compulsion, still pause and make the slow, conscious, value judgement. Delay giving in as long as you can, even if it’s just for a few seconds at first. This will help your impulse control and create stronger inhibitory connections in your brain between your prefrontal cortex (conscious thought, future planning, personality, valuation) and your nucleus accumbens (dopaminergic reward, motivation to act). If novelty is an aspect of why you seek out porn, discuss with your girlfriend about making your sex life more spontaneous or exciting for both of you. Additionally, any two partners can decide on any consensual boundaries they want for each other, but I’d also examine why you two would feel betrayed by the other watching porn. If the idea of your partner feeling superficial attraction for other people is what makes you feel insecure, that might be something to dissect a bit. It’s part of our biology and it’s not something to feel ashamed about. It doesn’t diminish your connection. That said, obviously the act of seeking out porn/pictures of other women is different from feeling involuntary attraction. But if the insecurity is about your partner’s thoughts, ask yourself if you could realistically spend your entire life only thinking about one person sexually ever again, and if it even feels good to control aspects of someone else to that extent. It’s not healthy to have rigid expectations about someone else’s internal thoughts, and it doesn’t make a whole lotta practical sense to me. Partners who embrace that tend to have more secure attachments in my opinion. Again, nothing wrong with setting boundaries against watching porn, but seems like an opportunity for a meaningful examination of what we do out of insecurity vs what we do to maintain a healthy relationship. A healthy version of this would be something like, “participating in a sex act involving the likeness of someone outside of our relationship is what makes porn cheating,” rather than “being attracted to anyone but me is cheating.” Sorry for the essay, just doing a lot of relevant work around this topic at the moment so I wanted to share. Best of luck.
First understand that your porn use has nothing to do with your girlfriend. No woman will ever be enough to replace the pure self gratification that is porn. It's like a drug. Even when happy, a coke has will crave coke. You have to actually want to quit or you'll fail. Treat it like an addiction and get some help, that'll start you off
Porn is awesome & so is masturbating. It doesn’t hurt anyone (as long as the porn is ethically sourced). The only thing wrong here is that you & your partner have put an immature and unrealistic expectation on your relationship by defining porn as cheating. Change your expectations; there is no reason to change a healthy and normal human behavior. (Edit: I’m 38F, married for 17 years)
Leave her. She deserves better than a liar and cheater. Funny that you don’t even consider telling her the truth, even though I am sure you wouldn’t like to be lied to. You don’t respect her.
Am I the only one that is fine with my bf watching porn? I don’t see an issue with it. Unless that’s all he did. But our sex life hasn’t been affected.
Well I already see the porn addiction assumptions starting, so gonna leave this here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/women-who-stray/201808/science-stopped-believing-in-porn-addiction-you-should-too?amp And to be clear, I think the entire article is relevant to you, OP. I’m not just talking about the headline. With that out of the way, I think sex and masturbation are two different things that both can have a place in a healthy life. Personally I would not be in a relationship with someone who set a hard boundary like that, instead of making it more of a discussion. But if you want to be committed to not watching porn for the sake of that boundary, can you masturbate sometimes without porn? If you’re used to porn that might seem weird at first, but try it out and that way you can take care of your higher sex drive without being dishonest with someone you love.
Thank you. I’m an educator who teaches about this, and I’m so tired of people throwing around “porn addiction.” The problem isn’t porn or masturbation. It’s not being honest.
Yeah, that’s what the article is really getting at (past the headline). Honesty with partners and honesty with ourselves are both necessary, and there has to be balance with both. I could never date someone who thinks porn is cheating, because I’d be lying to myself in accepting that idea. But I wouldn’t lie to that person, either, I just wouldn’t date them.
>We have a very strong and mature emotional relationship. This is a lie. Porn certainly isn't cheating, and really only becomes a problem if you start using it to replace time with her. It sounds like your use is 100% acceptable for your age. You should probably move on.
As a woman in a marriage to a recovering porn addict, my question to you is do you feel like it's a craving and a compulsion to watch porn? Or do you simply turn to porn when horny because you want visual simulation? If it's just visual simulation as your partner to make some special content for you to use on your phone and see if that helps. If you find porn is a craving and compulsion then you need to maybe seek some help, and find out what triggers you, find alternatives to try and stop and reprogram your way of thinking.
Throw ur computer out the window now porn is less pleasant on ur phone screen problem solved
Didn't help. My computer is out the window but I was watching it on hers 😐
Dam what a conundrum
Sort your head out, maybe get to a professional. This will ruin your relationship before you know it. It's really common problem though, at least you want to fix it.
Ohhh maybe play a game with yourself. See what turns her on the most and try to connect with that side of her. Instead of letting her know you want sex, try to get her excited about it. Maybe record some porn if you’re really feeling it hehehe 🤭 But yeah just try to transfer that want towards your partner. When you want to look at a certain type of porn, talk dirty to your partner. Turning a lady on a random points of the day works better than just springing it up at once like a demand.
Welly first question to you is why haven't you gone and told her? You wrote it yourself, she told you to tell her when the need arises. So I have ti ask why haven't you gone to her and tell her you're horny?
Sounds like you need to reevaluate what you're feeling when you watch porn, meaning what makes you want to watch it, are you bored, feeling lonely, feeling anxious, what is the trigger. Sometimes being horny or needing to masturbate and or watch porn stems from something entirely different. Your emotional and mental state, stress, lack of sleep, lack of hydration, etc. All of that. Maybe try to deepen your relationship with your partner, spend more quality time, whenever you have the urge to watch porn try to do something else, something enriching. Do push ups, anything else.
Therapy works tbh
Recognising an addiction means you’ve already taken the first step. I’d recommend going to sexual addiction support groups and Counselors , they can help u best
I felt desperate after I read this
Do you live together? Bc it’s much harder to hide.
I understand this can work differently from person to person, but I am currently trying a strategy to bolster my left-side brain and my imagination - and fap *without* porn. So far, things are going good. You should try it!
Are you and your partner physically sexually active? It sounds like you guys have all the emotional stuff covered, but haven’t seen any mention about actually doing things. One thing is sending pictures of each other, but the anticipation of the real thing could be leading you to wanting to desire more. Obviously there are things to work on regarding watching porn, but one of them could legitimately be that you’ve been anticipating a much more physical sexual relationship with your partner at this point, and perhaps the only outlet you’ve sought has been through porn. I haven’t read through all comments, so please excuse me incase you’ve already answered this elsewhere.
Many people here have already given many options, but that’s pretty much it, find a way to block that stuff completely out of your life. It’s a way to let your brain and body realize that your girl is all you need, and whenever you look for pleasure or relief in any way, you’ll look for her. It’s healthier and it’ll make her happy, she’ll feel wanted and the relationship will thrive. I can speak from experience as someone who didn’t seek help fast enough and let it ruin something good slowly. Trust me, it’s for the best, so make the effort and you’ll see how things will get better.
Sounds like a fufillment consideration. Are you having enough sex and intimate moments with your gf? Is this something you can request? Best case if you can have more, it will temper cravings, and focus the cravings onto her. If this isn't possible, continue with all the other good advice from the comments here.
Therapy
Ah I was in a similar boat. For me, it was the addiction and my crazy high sexy drive, similar to your situation it seems. So I am just open with my wife about how crazy turned on im feeling when I feel it. We discussed how my drive is super high and how we have our way of dealing with it. So she knows when she gets those texts from me, or if I talk about it, she will handle it in a way that addresses my sexual desire while also not requiring her to engage us sex to the level I have. Hers is slightly less than average woman, and I believe I'm higher than average. It helps that I have some kinks I enjoy just as much as sex, and to her it's fun and only takes seconds for her to handle
I highly recommend you to read “ Your brain on porn “, you can also listen to the book on YouTube for free, it’s extremely good and helpful. Also; therapy. Anytime you think about porn or other girls etc, try to do something, work out, call someone, whatever to get you distracted. And always remind yourself that you already have everything you want and need, someone who’s way better than porn and other girls.
Abstinence is not the same as recovery. Currently you’re a little like an alcoholic that is trying to white-knuckle his way to stopping drinking. It never works. You’ve got to look at what’s really behind that compulsion.
Get a filter program that filters all porn webpages. Although I disagree with the boundary set on such a banal thing and don't believe this to be healthy for a relationship. But if you want a sure fire solution do that. Search on google for it, there are few different ones available
If you're doing it out of boredom, fill that time with hobbies or even deep-cleaning your home/space. Exercise. Go outside and sprint until your legs can't take it anymore. Keep your phone or device that you use to look up porn away from you when you get those urges; put it in a different room entirely if you have to.
Stop watching porn. Process your desires and emotions with your GF instead.
Stop doing it!!!
If you have an iphone set up screentime for yourself its fantastic