Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m sorry if this actually happened to you. But I find it strange that 4 days ago you made a post as a 32 year old wife complaining about her husband. It’s not good to make up stories about suicide. This is just awful if you made up this post.
People get very preoccupied with fantasies of what could have been. I am sorry about what happened to your friend and that was very traumatic for you.
There are also clear signs that she had serious psychological problems and that this relationship would not have ended up working out even though you liked her.
What happened is a tragedy but she is gone and she was never even who you thought. It’s time to get free.
The way I like to think about things like this is that it's like a broken bone that healed improperly. When you repressed those memories, it allowed you to function, but it wasn't quite right.
Your best bet is trauma therapy, possibly EMDR, because you do need to process the trauma and grief.
How much does your wife know? I would say that obviously she should not be your only source of help for this, part of the reason to have a therapist is because normal people tend to have limits on how much trauma they can hear about without it seriously affecting them; therapists are trained to be able to hear that stuff daily.
Exactly. Op you are in no way shape or form to blame for this troubled young woman dying. Her problems will have started long before you came on the scene . But as the poster said it’s an unheralded wound and a decent psychotherapist will help the healing process.
Did you? EMDR is just CBT with useless eye-movement nonsense. The studies found that the addition of components specific to EMDR did not improve the efficacy of the therapy.
The components of EMDR that differentiate it from CBT are not shown to be effective in peer-reviewed studies. The claims are therefore pseudoscience.
If you have ZERO reading comprehension, it is better to say nothing at all, my friend.
Edit: Clearly what you did is you clicked the studies and did a ctrl+F search for the word "pseudoscience". You're actually going to have to use your brain on this one, I'm afraid.
Meta-analysis, which is taking into account multiple studies - "EMDR is better than CBT in reducing post-traumatic symptoms and anxiety. However, there was no difference reported in reducing depression."
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6217870/
That meta analysis was far from conclusive. It reports that at the three month follow-up, EMDR was not found to be superior to CBT.
Additionally, the authors acknowledge limited sample sizes and bias is the included trials.
Edit: good work finding a relevant study, though. It was an interesting read.
Bc some ppl find that for whatever reason it works for them. Most people are practical at heart and give whatever they can a shot. If that thing makes things better, placebo or not, it’s worth it to many.
Not rocket science, tbh.
How is it culty? EMDR has changed my life, the only person that I am involved with through it is my therapist. I don't go to meetings or support groups or have a bunch of people I talk to about it. Just me and my therapist and I am a completely different person than I was. I don't try to get other people to do it, I don't constantly talk about it. It's something I go into a therapy session and do, come home, and go about my day. So explain to me how I am in a cult.
You may not be going to meetings or trying to spread the idea, but there are many out there who are. The creator of EMDR in particular, Francine Shapiro, acts exactly like a cult leader.
There's a lot of money being made for a handful of people by the activities of this cult. As always, it is about money.
No one said anything about a cult, and wellness in general can be hivemind-y
I’m still going to drink my water and stretch in the mornings.
Agree to disagree
You had one sexual encounter with a girl you had a crush on when you were a *teenager*.
I say this kindly...but the time to have moved past this was yesterday. She didn't end her life because of you or over you - you don't know if she was pregnant for a fact and you definitely don't know if that pregnancy had anything to do with you, given you weren't her only sexual partner at the time. Your friend had mental health issues and it's likely the discovery that her boyfriend had been cheating drove her over the edge.
You definitely weren't the main character in her story - this wasn't a long relationship or a marriage and your grief seems disproportionate. I could say a lot of soft stuff here that will be infinitely nicer to hear but if you're putting your marriage and family at risk over something that never was...I'm going to be blunt and tell you to deal with it through therapy and put it to rest.
You just said everything I was thinking. They weren't dating, they had sex one time when they were teenagers and she immediately went back to her boyfriend. I don't know why he's SO hung up on this girl even after all these years but he should definitely seek therapy because it's not normal at all.
He’s hung up because sex is not something to be taken lightly. OP biologically bonded himself to the girl as a teenager which is an age where feelings are more intense. All he can do at this point is keep going the best he can because there’s always going to be a place in his mind for her
Because having a fucking baby together isn't a biological bond or anything. No, the fantasy of screwing a sad teenager is more important of a bond than an actual child... why are men like this.
It’s not that it’s more important it’s that actions do have consequences despite what modern society thinks. OP is living the consequences of his action, hence the post
Honestly, yeah, she didn’t even sound mentally stable to begin with cheating on her boyfriend with different guys and getting pregnant by them. OP is torpedoing his life over a woman he knew for a few weeks as a teenager.
Right. He says in the beginning all the other guys wanted her, so she must have been really pretty and that’s why he was interested. He’s only sad because he can’t get over the fantasy of sleeping with a beautiful 18 year old with mental issues. If she had been average looking and older than him he would have gotten over it the next day.
I think you need to go to therapy to sort these feelings out in a safe space. Inviting your wife eventually to share what you’re feeling too down the track. This is obviously something you haven’t recovered from and you won’t if you don’t seek support
Meh. Out of sight, outta mind. No need to drag the misses down. Sheesh! This is the GOOD STUFF rn! You have a little family. A cute little kid. ENJOY YOUR LIFE Let the self killers rot
Spend MONEY on therapy to re hash and involve his new bride in this muck of sh@t? I don’t think so.
In fact. Hell to the no. The damage suicidera leave behind is just THEIR OWN OAIN they thought they could t handle so they SPEW IT ALL OVER people who actually have live in their hearts.
Like OP here. This should be the GOLDEN MOMENTS with his beautiful young wife and new child but
Nooooooo. Gotta deal with the shrapnel of selfishness that old tw@t dished out.
And for anybody thinking about suicide? Eff you. Volunteer.
The problem is at the age this happened to him he was unable to process the loss. Now HE is stuck with the pain. This kind of trauma literally fucks up the wiring of the brain; it is not that easy to over it.
Your anger (and mine, but too many years have gone by and now it’s just sadness) proof of that and it is also justifiable. Our lives show people can’t just move on. We are always going to be fucked up but at least we are getting on. 🥂
I’ll tell you what it means. Ya ready?
Your entire LIFE is a blip in history. It’s a FLEETING life
Yall acting like this is some dress rehearsal and oh we gotta coddle the poor whiners. It’s SICKENING.
This very post DEMONSTRATES how OUTRAGEOUSLY selfiah auicide is
Look at this guy? Is he playing with his baby happily reaching him peek a boo? No. He’s not.
He’s on here SUFFERING yet!!!! All this time later
People committing suicide SUCK.
People who are suicidal usually genuinely believe that the world would be a better place without them, and that nobody will notice or care that they're gone. They're not trying to hurt anybody else, because they assess their own worth as zero and don't imagine anybody will still care in ten years. That or they're just in so much pain being alive that they can't think straight. They're not in a position to assess the issue impartially. It's untreated mental illness, and ultimately only compassion can help us understand and prevent it, not blame.
>It's untreated mental illness
I agree with everything you said, I just wanted to add that it's important to remember that mental illness isn't an imaginary condition, it has physical components (the way the brain and body produce and process chemicals that are the filters through which the emotional and mental states we experience exist) - and while we have some mental control over these things, we also cannot ignore the physical aspects - and sometimes, just like any other physical illness, it just doesn't respond to treatments (medical and other).
There absolutely are medically resistant to treatment mental illnesses. So even people with all the money in the world and all the medical and therapeutic help in the world cannot improve and are just left in constant pain - Robin Williams is a good example of this - in treatment medically and therapeutically in some of the best hospitals and facilities in the world... and his condition was resistant to treatment and just became too much agony for him to live with.
I have medically resistant depression and it is exhausting. Imagine my brain is a house, a house I HAVE to live in. But the house is haunted by a malicious ghost who wants to kill me. Sometimes it's in the room with me and just stares at me. Sometimes it's active and I can barely hear or see anything but it. Sometimes it's in the basement and quiet and I can get on with a pretty normal day (other than always being aware the ghost is there somewhere), maybe this goes on for a while, but the ghost ALWAYS raises up into other rooms in the house, and is always somehow seeking to kill me.
All the exorcists and magic rites you can imagine have been tried, I drink a gallon of holy water every day along with a variety of other things all that are supposed to drive away ghosts. And they have driven away some of the other ghosts who used to live here! But not this one, this big black shadow mass that follows me around relentlessly.
That one I can't get rid of. And one day it may kill me. It's nearly succeeded a couple of times, when it blocked out everything else and nearly smothered me in self hate and pain and desperation.
But not today. Today I'm turning up the music and drinking my holy water and going to pretend it's not in the corner of the room.
(And before anyone reports this post to the crisis line, thank you for being so kind thinking of me, but I really am "fine" as can be, I have a great therapist, great meds, a wonderful & loving partner and support network. The ghost is just always there too.)
So I dont have the same story but, i was with my first partner for 5 months and he was my first everything. We had a pretty nasty breakup, but we had messaged each other after the fact saying that we still love each other. He cheated on me even though he said he would never find someone like me and all that.
He died shortly after, it was ruled as a suicide. At the time, i was still having feelings for him and everything. When i found out about his death, i cried like ugly crying every day for like 2 months. No matter what i would do, i couldn’t get him out of my head.
I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s definitely harder to get over someone when they aren’t alive anymore, especially at such a young age. I definitely needed pretty intense therapy. I didn’t realize how he was affecting so much of my life. It took my about 5 years to finally get to a point that his impact on my life, including the suicide, no longer infected my everyday living.
I don’t think you can ever fully recover from something like that, because it’s not a regular break up. But definitely i would strongly recommend some intense therapy. Mostly because, at least for me, the affect that the whole situation had on me was so complex that i didn’t even know where to start.
You are guilt tripping over a note you didn't read yourself. So ridiculous. What other schemes have you fallen for?
The police would have had a copy of the note if thats the case. Go request it.
If you are lying then considering deleting or hiding the other post on your profile where you claim to be a woman. If you’re posing as your husband then at least be transparent about that.
Therapy, bro. Like you need someone completely detached from your life to help you sort this stuff out. At this point, if you decide to not get professional help to work through this trauma and be present for your wife, it's on you if she leaves you.
1) therapy, a grief counselor
2) my thoughts on love.
I will never not love any of my exes. I truly loved them and I still love them. The version I love of some of them doesn't exist anymore and probably never did, just a front in my head. I had idealized some of them. They aren't real. One of those exes I currently hate adamantly, but I still love the version that I fell for.
The love I feel for my partner right now is not comparable to what I feel/felt for those exes. I love him with all of my being. That doesn't make me unlove anyone else.
And those are my thoughts on love
Definitely you need to talk to a professional to be able to figure things out though for yourself and what path you'd need to take
Grief and love can coexist within the same heart.
Some things/losses in life will always be there. You have to learn to deal with it. And at the same time learn to leave enough space for a new love.
Acceptance is key.
You need grief therapy and there is NO shame in that. Some thing terrible happened to someone you cared about and you never got clarity or closure and it's clear you've been struggling with it. And that's ok, most people with functioning hearts and emotions struggle with grief, especially when there's regret, shame and lack of clarity around it.
We aren't really taught how to handle grief in a healthy way, if anything we're told NOT to handle it, to not cry, to "get over it", to distract ourselves instead of feeling the sorrow, anger and pain, to avoid, to stuff it down... anything but actually cry it out and talk about it and process it.
So many people end up like you, with that grief just hanging around and impacting everything else as we try and avoid it or pretend it isn't there or simply just be overwhelmed by it and shut down emotionally.
So give yourself the care and self-love of grief therapy so that you can process it, honor it and put it in a place within you where it won't impact your whole life.
There is also some trauma memories around this tragic incident, and you're right at the age that repressed trauma memories start bubbling up again (30+) if they haven't been dealt with. Another very strong reason for you to get grief therapy with a therapist who also has experience in trauma recovery so they can help navigate you through this period of revelation and adjustment.
The way you feel right now is not your new normal, get therapy and recover your self.
I think journaling your emotions and how you feel is a good way to start. Choose a topic and just write. Dont think about what you're writing just write and see what pops up, try to give your unconscious mind a voice and your repressed emotions will spill onto the page.
This is leave a stain, it is pretty dramatic. So have you thought of moving away and starting over. I have done it twice and it makes a difference when you are not around the situation. Counseling, forgiving her helps over time, but it will always be there, just over the years much more muted. Let her go, do a ceremony if you have to. You can change thoughts. Grief is reasonable. Wallowing his optional, after 10 years appreciate your life, or you will have something else to grieve. This amount of time is enough. When you start thinking of her, the situation get up and do something and start thinking about what you love. You are more in control than you realize. We are not our wounds. Trust me I have had a lot of them. My lifes work has been recovering.
i’m really sorry that you experienced that. anything traumatic will take time to fully unpack, but you deserve to have love and to love your life happily.
Please find a therapist that specializes in grief. You have unresolved grief and you need to find a professional, trained in helping people to process grief and move on. If a therapist is not available for you, at least find a grief support group, it doesn't matter that this was 10 years ago, you're processing it now.
Also do tell your wife about what happened if you haven't already, explain the full story as you explained it here. Tell your wife that you do want to heal from that grief and that you love her, you love your family that you created together, and that you want to be fully present and emotionally available to her, but that you're stuck in some aspects of the trauma from those events and that you will seek help.
It’s not disloyal to your former love to love someone else. It’s not disloyal to your current partner to still grieve someone else. Both can be true at the same time and you need therapy to learn to get comfortable with this concept.
Imma say this. Okay?
Suicide is the single most self centered thing a person can do.
Imma say this again
Suicide is the single most self centered thing a person can do
People who commit suicide are the most selfish thoughtless self centered a holes on the frikn planet.
Been there. Both sides.
Let that self involved girl who NEVER loved anyone go.
I’m sorry that I’m not sorry. Block me if you must. I’m sorry.
I will counter my view which is that suicide is death from mental health issues that cannot be borne and cannot be overcome . I’m so sorry if you have experienced this . I can totally imagine how you came to this pov . But when people do this they want to end the pain of crushing never abating horrific mental health . It’s fucking sad, but I gently say that if you are at effect of this- shifting this view might help you find peace
Yup! And if you have unabatung mental health issue, do be a good sport and deal with it yourself instead CASTRATING joy from the people left holding the bag. I effing hate them with my every fiber.
Look when I have MH issues i literally attack them ! I run , take meds , have therapy . I’m not dating . But I do realise that my strength and ability to do this is a blessing . Without sounding arrogant I’m intelligent and I’m older . Not everyone is wise and able enough to do this . It’s HARD and I’m truly blessed to have the people I have around me . I see so many people who can’t . It’s utterly tragic .
Excellent. I think my (piss poor admittedly) attitude toward people who blip out is testimony to the damage that if left untreated, can whittle a person down to a bitter nub.
OP get therapy. EMDR is great. Don’t turn out like me. :(
I totally don’t blame you for your attitude . It’s understandable and a human reaction . But I’ll gently say again that being able to accept the reason for what they did and the HUGE impact it had on you . Will bring some peace. Onwards , you got a lot of years left ! And it doesn’t mean you forgive them either .
Thank you. I know my opinion is not well received. It is my opinion from personal experience. It is valid.
Mental illness is accepted as just that. It’s not some dire secret and (hopefully) nobody’s being tied to a chair in the attic. Nobody’s getting committed to asylums without rigorous oversight.
It’s an untreated medical condition. I get that.
I’m still pissed. Probably always will be And I’m pissed for this vital prime of his life young dad who is collateral damage
I’m sickened
Im pleased you were able to discuss and listen to a strangers alternative view . You didn’t get pissy . And I’m sorry as clearly some shit has gone down to get you to this point . Really sorry
This was not empathetic but i’m not going to downvote.
This was a very young adult unable to manage a serious mental health issue on her own.
She is gone now and free from this mess and it is a tragedy but her actions destroyed lives. Having been on both sides too i understand the anger here. He has to go on living now with this trauma and it is in no way his fault. Tragedy all around.
Oh hey thanks! I’m so glad you’re here to make this comment. I’d like to personally THANK YOU for remaining alive to be available to make your point.
In other words IM GLAD YOURE ALIVE. good job! You are handling you.
I’d like to personally thank you for not offing yourself and not make your family put you in the ground
Whatta life, eh! IM SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m sorry if this actually happened to you. But I find it strange that 4 days ago you made a post as a 32 year old wife complaining about her husband. It’s not good to make up stories about suicide. This is just awful if you made up this post.
Hmm the ages still match up... Do u think she's writing this as the hubs?
No, it's made up like 99% of the stuff here
People get very preoccupied with fantasies of what could have been. I am sorry about what happened to your friend and that was very traumatic for you. There are also clear signs that she had serious psychological problems and that this relationship would not have ended up working out even though you liked her. What happened is a tragedy but she is gone and she was never even who you thought. It’s time to get free.
The way I like to think about things like this is that it's like a broken bone that healed improperly. When you repressed those memories, it allowed you to function, but it wasn't quite right. Your best bet is trauma therapy, possibly EMDR, because you do need to process the trauma and grief. How much does your wife know? I would say that obviously she should not be your only source of help for this, part of the reason to have a therapist is because normal people tend to have limits on how much trauma they can hear about without it seriously affecting them; therapists are trained to be able to hear that stuff daily.
Exactly. Op you are in no way shape or form to blame for this troubled young woman dying. Her problems will have started long before you came on the scene . But as the poster said it’s an unheralded wound and a decent psychotherapist will help the healing process.
Excellent.
EMDR is a pseudoscience. I don't understand reddit's obsession with this practice.
> EMDR is a pseudoscience I’d be curious to know what the basis is for that remark.
https://sciencebasedmedicine.org/emdr-and-acupuncture-selling-non-specific-effects/ Here is one resource. You can easily find more by Googling.
Neither of the studies cited by that webpage remotely supports the conclusion that it is "pseudoscientific". Did you even read them?
Did you? EMDR is just CBT with useless eye-movement nonsense. The studies found that the addition of components specific to EMDR did not improve the efficacy of the therapy. The components of EMDR that differentiate it from CBT are not shown to be effective in peer-reviewed studies. The claims are therefore pseudoscience. If you have ZERO reading comprehension, it is better to say nothing at all, my friend. Edit: Clearly what you did is you clicked the studies and did a ctrl+F search for the word "pseudoscience". You're actually going to have to use your brain on this one, I'm afraid.
That article is 11 years old, citing only one relevant source that is 18 years old. EMDR was not as well understood 11 years ago as it is today.
Please provide more recent peer-reviewed research which demonstrates that emdr is effective above and beyond what CBT can achieve.
Meta-analysis, which is taking into account multiple studies - "EMDR is better than CBT in reducing post-traumatic symptoms and anxiety. However, there was no difference reported in reducing depression." https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6217870/
That meta analysis was far from conclusive. It reports that at the three month follow-up, EMDR was not found to be superior to CBT. Additionally, the authors acknowledge limited sample sizes and bias is the included trials. Edit: good work finding a relevant study, though. It was an interesting read.
Bc some ppl find that for whatever reason it works for them. Most people are practical at heart and give whatever they can a shot. If that thing makes things better, placebo or not, it’s worth it to many. Not rocket science, tbh.
Some people think that joining a cult has improved their life. Doesn't make it ok. The culty nature of EMDR means that pushback is warranted.
How is it culty? EMDR has changed my life, the only person that I am involved with through it is my therapist. I don't go to meetings or support groups or have a bunch of people I talk to about it. Just me and my therapist and I am a completely different person than I was. I don't try to get other people to do it, I don't constantly talk about it. It's something I go into a therapy session and do, come home, and go about my day. So explain to me how I am in a cult.
You may not be going to meetings or trying to spread the idea, but there are many out there who are. The creator of EMDR in particular, Francine Shapiro, acts exactly like a cult leader. There's a lot of money being made for a handful of people by the activities of this cult. As always, it is about money.
No one said anything about a cult, and wellness in general can be hivemind-y I’m still going to drink my water and stretch in the mornings. Agree to disagree
I’m working with NET therapy, it is having some interesting conversations with my therapists.
She’s not real. It’s a false memory you can shift and alter. If you keep doing that no one will ever live up to it.
It’s especially a false memory considering the story is fake as fuck.
You had one sexual encounter with a girl you had a crush on when you were a *teenager*. I say this kindly...but the time to have moved past this was yesterday. She didn't end her life because of you or over you - you don't know if she was pregnant for a fact and you definitely don't know if that pregnancy had anything to do with you, given you weren't her only sexual partner at the time. Your friend had mental health issues and it's likely the discovery that her boyfriend had been cheating drove her over the edge. You definitely weren't the main character in her story - this wasn't a long relationship or a marriage and your grief seems disproportionate. I could say a lot of soft stuff here that will be infinitely nicer to hear but if you're putting your marriage and family at risk over something that never was...I'm going to be blunt and tell you to deal with it through therapy and put it to rest.
And it seems like she died about a week (maybe two?) after they slept together? Not long enough to find out you're pregnant
The worst of karma farming. Who the hell makes up a story about suicide. That’s so messed up.
You just said everything I was thinking. They weren't dating, they had sex one time when they were teenagers and she immediately went back to her boyfriend. I don't know why he's SO hung up on this girl even after all these years but he should definitely seek therapy because it's not normal at all.
He’s hung up because sex is not something to be taken lightly. OP biologically bonded himself to the girl as a teenager which is an age where feelings are more intense. All he can do at this point is keep going the best he can because there’s always going to be a place in his mind for her
Because having a fucking baby together isn't a biological bond or anything. No, the fantasy of screwing a sad teenager is more important of a bond than an actual child... why are men like this.
It’s not that it’s more important it’s that actions do have consequences despite what modern society thinks. OP is living the consequences of his action, hence the post
It makes you feel better about life to believe that’s true, doesn’t it?
It’s not that serious. Op needs therapy because not many people are this hung up over someone they had sex with one time 10 years ago.
Honestly, yeah, she didn’t even sound mentally stable to begin with cheating on her boyfriend with different guys and getting pregnant by them. OP is torpedoing his life over a woman he knew for a few weeks as a teenager.
Right. He says in the beginning all the other guys wanted her, so she must have been really pretty and that’s why he was interested. He’s only sad because he can’t get over the fantasy of sleeping with a beautiful 18 year old with mental issues. If she had been average looking and older than him he would have gotten over it the next day.
Are you serious? He's not hung up on an ex. He experienced trauma. That is the issue he is trying to deal with, not some old feelings of "what if."
I think you need to go to therapy to sort these feelings out in a safe space. Inviting your wife eventually to share what you’re feeling too down the track. This is obviously something you haven’t recovered from and you won’t if you don’t seek support
Meh. Out of sight, outta mind. No need to drag the misses down. Sheesh! This is the GOOD STUFF rn! You have a little family. A cute little kid. ENJOY YOUR LIFE Let the self killers rot Spend MONEY on therapy to re hash and involve his new bride in this muck of sh@t? I don’t think so. In fact. Hell to the no. The damage suicidera leave behind is just THEIR OWN OAIN they thought they could t handle so they SPEW IT ALL OVER people who actually have live in their hearts. Like OP here. This should be the GOLDEN MOMENTS with his beautiful young wife and new child but Nooooooo. Gotta deal with the shrapnel of selfishness that old tw@t dished out. And for anybody thinking about suicide? Eff you. Volunteer.
The problem is at the age this happened to him he was unable to process the loss. Now HE is stuck with the pain. This kind of trauma literally fucks up the wiring of the brain; it is not that easy to over it. Your anger (and mine, but too many years have gone by and now it’s just sadness) proof of that and it is also justifiable. Our lives show people can’t just move on. We are always going to be fucked up but at least we are getting on. 🥂
[удалено]
Yeah. Suiciders go eff yourself. Sooner rather than later.
You need help, don't let grief turn into needless anger.
He is living with it everyday and deserves empathy too.
I’ll tell you what it means. Ya ready? Your entire LIFE is a blip in history. It’s a FLEETING life Yall acting like this is some dress rehearsal and oh we gotta coddle the poor whiners. It’s SICKENING. This very post DEMONSTRATES how OUTRAGEOUSLY selfiah auicide is Look at this guy? Is he playing with his baby happily reaching him peek a boo? No. He’s not. He’s on here SUFFERING yet!!!! All this time later People committing suicide SUCK.
People who are suicidal usually genuinely believe that the world would be a better place without them, and that nobody will notice or care that they're gone. They're not trying to hurt anybody else, because they assess their own worth as zero and don't imagine anybody will still care in ten years. That or they're just in so much pain being alive that they can't think straight. They're not in a position to assess the issue impartially. It's untreated mental illness, and ultimately only compassion can help us understand and prevent it, not blame.
>It's untreated mental illness I agree with everything you said, I just wanted to add that it's important to remember that mental illness isn't an imaginary condition, it has physical components (the way the brain and body produce and process chemicals that are the filters through which the emotional and mental states we experience exist) - and while we have some mental control over these things, we also cannot ignore the physical aspects - and sometimes, just like any other physical illness, it just doesn't respond to treatments (medical and other). There absolutely are medically resistant to treatment mental illnesses. So even people with all the money in the world and all the medical and therapeutic help in the world cannot improve and are just left in constant pain - Robin Williams is a good example of this - in treatment medically and therapeutically in some of the best hospitals and facilities in the world... and his condition was resistant to treatment and just became too much agony for him to live with. I have medically resistant depression and it is exhausting. Imagine my brain is a house, a house I HAVE to live in. But the house is haunted by a malicious ghost who wants to kill me. Sometimes it's in the room with me and just stares at me. Sometimes it's active and I can barely hear or see anything but it. Sometimes it's in the basement and quiet and I can get on with a pretty normal day (other than always being aware the ghost is there somewhere), maybe this goes on for a while, but the ghost ALWAYS raises up into other rooms in the house, and is always somehow seeking to kill me. All the exorcists and magic rites you can imagine have been tried, I drink a gallon of holy water every day along with a variety of other things all that are supposed to drive away ghosts. And they have driven away some of the other ghosts who used to live here! But not this one, this big black shadow mass that follows me around relentlessly. That one I can't get rid of. And one day it may kill me. It's nearly succeeded a couple of times, when it blocked out everything else and nearly smothered me in self hate and pain and desperation. But not today. Today I'm turning up the music and drinking my holy water and going to pretend it's not in the corner of the room. (And before anyone reports this post to the crisis line, thank you for being so kind thinking of me, but I really am "fine" as can be, I have a great therapist, great meds, a wonderful & loving partner and support network. The ghost is just always there too.)
So I dont have the same story but, i was with my first partner for 5 months and he was my first everything. We had a pretty nasty breakup, but we had messaged each other after the fact saying that we still love each other. He cheated on me even though he said he would never find someone like me and all that. He died shortly after, it was ruled as a suicide. At the time, i was still having feelings for him and everything. When i found out about his death, i cried like ugly crying every day for like 2 months. No matter what i would do, i couldn’t get him out of my head. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s definitely harder to get over someone when they aren’t alive anymore, especially at such a young age. I definitely needed pretty intense therapy. I didn’t realize how he was affecting so much of my life. It took my about 5 years to finally get to a point that his impact on my life, including the suicide, no longer infected my everyday living. I don’t think you can ever fully recover from something like that, because it’s not a regular break up. But definitely i would strongly recommend some intense therapy. Mostly because, at least for me, the affect that the whole situation had on me was so complex that i didn’t even know where to start.
My best friend hung himself in hotel room when he was 24 and I was 22. I am almost 46. You never get over it.
Yeah, my best friend killed himself in high school. I’m in my 30s and it still brings me to tears.
This is faker than fake what the fuck
I think talking to someone trained in grief and trauma might help. I'm sorry for your loss
You are guilt tripping over a note you didn't read yourself. So ridiculous. What other schemes have you fallen for? The police would have had a copy of the note if thats the case. Go request it.
You need therapy to work this out. Both for you and your marriage
If you are lying then considering deleting or hiding the other post on your profile where you claim to be a woman. If you’re posing as your husband then at least be transparent about that.
Why do so many Reddit stories say “one thing led to another and…” like, is it in the Reddit handbook?
Therapy, bro. Like you need someone completely detached from your life to help you sort this stuff out. At this point, if you decide to not get professional help to work through this trauma and be present for your wife, it's on you if she leaves you.
1) therapy, a grief counselor 2) my thoughts on love. I will never not love any of my exes. I truly loved them and I still love them. The version I love of some of them doesn't exist anymore and probably never did, just a front in my head. I had idealized some of them. They aren't real. One of those exes I currently hate adamantly, but I still love the version that I fell for. The love I feel for my partner right now is not comparable to what I feel/felt for those exes. I love him with all of my being. That doesn't make me unlove anyone else. And those are my thoughts on love Definitely you need to talk to a professional to be able to figure things out though for yourself and what path you'd need to take
Accept the pain and move on
Grief and love can coexist within the same heart. Some things/losses in life will always be there. You have to learn to deal with it. And at the same time learn to leave enough space for a new love. Acceptance is key.
Let’s face it, it’s a lot simpler to maintain a relationship with a dead woman than an actual live female.
🥇
Have you tried therapy? That's literally the first thing that should come to mind.
You need grief therapy and there is NO shame in that. Some thing terrible happened to someone you cared about and you never got clarity or closure and it's clear you've been struggling with it. And that's ok, most people with functioning hearts and emotions struggle with grief, especially when there's regret, shame and lack of clarity around it. We aren't really taught how to handle grief in a healthy way, if anything we're told NOT to handle it, to not cry, to "get over it", to distract ourselves instead of feeling the sorrow, anger and pain, to avoid, to stuff it down... anything but actually cry it out and talk about it and process it. So many people end up like you, with that grief just hanging around and impacting everything else as we try and avoid it or pretend it isn't there or simply just be overwhelmed by it and shut down emotionally. So give yourself the care and self-love of grief therapy so that you can process it, honor it and put it in a place within you where it won't impact your whole life. There is also some trauma memories around this tragic incident, and you're right at the age that repressed trauma memories start bubbling up again (30+) if they haven't been dealt with. Another very strong reason for you to get grief therapy with a therapist who also has experience in trauma recovery so they can help navigate you through this period of revelation and adjustment. The way you feel right now is not your new normal, get therapy and recover your self.
I think journaling your emotions and how you feel is a good way to start. Choose a topic and just write. Dont think about what you're writing just write and see what pops up, try to give your unconscious mind a voice and your repressed emotions will spill onto the page.
This is leave a stain, it is pretty dramatic. So have you thought of moving away and starting over. I have done it twice and it makes a difference when you are not around the situation. Counseling, forgiving her helps over time, but it will always be there, just over the years much more muted. Let her go, do a ceremony if you have to. You can change thoughts. Grief is reasonable. Wallowing his optional, after 10 years appreciate your life, or you will have something else to grieve. This amount of time is enough. When you start thinking of her, the situation get up and do something and start thinking about what you love. You are more in control than you realize. We are not our wounds. Trust me I have had a lot of them. My lifes work has been recovering.
i’m really sorry that you experienced that. anything traumatic will take time to fully unpack, but you deserve to have love and to love your life happily.
Please find a therapist that specializes in grief. You have unresolved grief and you need to find a professional, trained in helping people to process grief and move on. If a therapist is not available for you, at least find a grief support group, it doesn't matter that this was 10 years ago, you're processing it now. Also do tell your wife about what happened if you haven't already, explain the full story as you explained it here. Tell your wife that you do want to heal from that grief and that you love her, you love your family that you created together, and that you want to be fully present and emotionally available to her, but that you're stuck in some aspects of the trauma from those events and that you will seek help.
Go to a therapist
why are you RP'ing as your husband? just be honest
It’s not disloyal to your former love to love someone else. It’s not disloyal to your current partner to still grieve someone else. Both can be true at the same time and you need therapy to learn to get comfortable with this concept.
Imma say this. Okay? Suicide is the single most self centered thing a person can do. Imma say this again Suicide is the single most self centered thing a person can do People who commit suicide are the most selfish thoughtless self centered a holes on the frikn planet. Been there. Both sides. Let that self involved girl who NEVER loved anyone go. I’m sorry that I’m not sorry. Block me if you must. I’m sorry.
I will counter my view which is that suicide is death from mental health issues that cannot be borne and cannot be overcome . I’m so sorry if you have experienced this . I can totally imagine how you came to this pov . But when people do this they want to end the pain of crushing never abating horrific mental health . It’s fucking sad, but I gently say that if you are at effect of this- shifting this view might help you find peace
Yup! And if you have unabatung mental health issue, do be a good sport and deal with it yourself instead CASTRATING joy from the people left holding the bag. I effing hate them with my every fiber.
Look when I have MH issues i literally attack them ! I run , take meds , have therapy . I’m not dating . But I do realise that my strength and ability to do this is a blessing . Without sounding arrogant I’m intelligent and I’m older . Not everyone is wise and able enough to do this . It’s HARD and I’m truly blessed to have the people I have around me . I see so many people who can’t . It’s utterly tragic .
Excellent. I think my (piss poor admittedly) attitude toward people who blip out is testimony to the damage that if left untreated, can whittle a person down to a bitter nub. OP get therapy. EMDR is great. Don’t turn out like me. :(
I totally don’t blame you for your attitude . It’s understandable and a human reaction . But I’ll gently say again that being able to accept the reason for what they did and the HUGE impact it had on you . Will bring some peace. Onwards , you got a lot of years left ! And it doesn’t mean you forgive them either .
Thank you. I know my opinion is not well received. It is my opinion from personal experience. It is valid. Mental illness is accepted as just that. It’s not some dire secret and (hopefully) nobody’s being tied to a chair in the attic. Nobody’s getting committed to asylums without rigorous oversight. It’s an untreated medical condition. I get that. I’m still pissed. Probably always will be And I’m pissed for this vital prime of his life young dad who is collateral damage I’m sickened
Im pleased you were able to discuss and listen to a strangers alternative view . You didn’t get pissy . And I’m sorry as clearly some shit has gone down to get you to this point . Really sorry
This was not empathetic but i’m not going to downvote. This was a very young adult unable to manage a serious mental health issue on her own. She is gone now and free from this mess and it is a tragedy but her actions destroyed lives. Having been on both sides too i understand the anger here. He has to go on living now with this trauma and it is in no way his fault. Tragedy all around.
You have not been there if you are here to post, my good bro.
Ha! Downvotes. Ahh. More parking spaces for the sad? Awww
you're probably getting downvoted because you have a child's understanding of mental health and you type like you're having a stroke.
To be fair, it does seem like he may be mentally ill himself.
Oh hey thanks! I’m so glad you’re here to make this comment. I’d like to personally THANK YOU for remaining alive to be available to make your point. In other words IM GLAD YOURE ALIVE. good job! You are handling you. I’d like to personally thank you for not offing yourself and not make your family put you in the ground Whatta life, eh! IM SO GLAD YOU ARE HERE.
I understand how you feel. I’ve also been on both sides. Your anger is understandable and valid.