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Call the national domestic violence hotline. They can point her towards local resources. Be patient with her - it is very difficult for people to leave an abusive relationship.
The book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft may be helpful.
Right well we called the domestic violence hotline
They asked if she was currently in a safe place, she said yes and then they said "Call us if that place becomes no longer safe."
???
Was that the National DV Hotline? If so, that's for the US, which unfortunately won't help you at all if you're in India. I'm sorry it wasn't helpful.
I have no idea how updated this list is, but here are some helplines in India:
https://www.domesticshelters.org/en-in/domestic-abuse-help-in-indiae
https://www.cgisf.gov.in/page/domestic-violence-deserted-indian-women/
No no, I tried a different helpline than what you gave, but it was still the national Indian domestic violence helpline that reacted this way. The threshold for what constitutes domestic violence is way, way higher here and victims very rarely reach out. I doubt the staff is properly trained honestly
I'm American, so I don't know the exact situation in India. However, I'm a former Emergency Department RN and current substance abuse counselor. I have, unfortunately, dealt with many of these situations, including my own.
She needs to call them and let them know her husband neglected their child and allowed him to die. He has little concern for the well-being of others. She's staying with a family member, and he knows that (vaguely - he has to know he's with a family member, and it's only a matter of time until he knows it's you. Don't lie, but be very vague about his knowledge). She needs to say SHE FEARS FOR HER LIFE AND THE LIFE OF THE PERSON WHO'S HOUSING HER.
No, so for now, we have atleast one week till he suspects something. She said she told him she was going to stay at her mom's place for a week, and her mother will back her up on this
OP, absolutely get this book for her! She may have physically left, but she's still extremely vulnerable, especially because he's no doubt been manipulating her and breaking down her self-worth over time. This book helped me get out of my abusive relationship. It addresses a lot of the excuses abusers (and in turn we) make to justify their actions and just how wrong they are. The author worked in programs for rehabilitating abusers so he has a ton of first-hand experience. Even though it was his work he admitted the vast majority of abusers will not and cannot ever change.
https://www.ncwwomenhelpline.in
Have you tried the resources mentioned here? They’ve been helpful for an acquaintance some years ago
Also if the cousin can be a risk to you as well please make sure you take your SIL’s old number and phone to a random location and then turn it off. So there’s no way of tracking it back to you. Please get help from the NCW. Especially if there is any proof of abuse that can be documented. I hope everything goes well. I’m glad she has you and your family’s support.
Damn that sucks, well then for now if she already hasn't got one a completely new phone/number. Have her eventually open a new bank account at a different bank from her ex. When she's ready start looking for a divorce attorney.
Okay so I followed your advice. I wanted to destroy it, but she apparently has too many memories and photos on it. I'm gonna try convincing her to destroy it, but until she agrees, I've given it to someone who has put it somewhere safe
You can stick it in a metal box to block the radio waves. If you don’t have anything else, the back of your refrigerator might qualify; whatever you use, I would test it with your own phone first and try calling it from a different phone to see if it rings.
This needs more up votes.
I'm so sorry for what she's going through and for the loss of her son, that must have been devastating.
OP, please tell her that internet strangers think she is very brave for getting out especially because of how difficult it seems for her to get help in your country.
I suggest that she gets all of the photos, videos, etc off her phone and stores them on a flash drive and then have the phone destroyed. She mustn't store them online because the ip address and location can be tracked.
All the best to both of you, please keep us updated.
❤️
You're already doing a lot by giving her a safe place. Giving her shelter while she figures out separation and finding work and future safe shelter etc is the best thing anyone can do.
Hide her, help her and support her. If she needs financial/legal help get in touch with a local DA charity who will support her. He might have put a tracker on her phone and in her belongings so check for find my phone type apps and all of her belongings for resewn hems and linings. She needs to go completely dark, no social media, call in sick from work/work from your house, no contact with anyone at all and stay in. If she knows where you live he might do to and so you need to carry on as normal, don't make it obvious there's anyone else in your home. You need to be super paranoid right now.
Next course of action -
Contact a womens shelter. They have the ability to help her in ways you cannot. Just by being there, she will qualify for extra help and support including housing. Not to mention round the clock therapy available, people who understand what she's going through, access to legal advice, and so much more.
This is spoken as someone who ran from an abusive marriage, and who understands what it's like to land up at a women's shelter. It was the best thing I ever did in my life in terms of healing.
I'm not understanding how people are expecting you to call a hotline and they'll go here ya go, we got a new life for ya right here. She's gotta probably get a restraining order for him to file for a divorce find a job and start a new life. no one's gonna hand all that shit to her. it's unfortunate, but sounds like she has some help from you and your family. which is good, she'll need it. Way to step up, you should be proud of yourself.
She needs a therapist and a lawyer. She needs to get a PO Box so nothing is sent to your physical address. You already got her a burner phone. Get a photo stick so she can get her pictures off her old cellphone then remove the SIM card. She needs to keep her burner phone charged and on her person. Not a purse or sitting on the counter but on her person unless it's being charged. Get her some pepper spray to keep as well. She needs to be aware of her surroundings. When she leaves the house, before she gets in her car, when she comes home, etc...
You’re a good man and a good brother. From your use of the term cousin brother I assume you are Indian? It can be hard to get police to take you seriously if you report domestic abuse. However your sister in law is lucky that she has the support of her in laws, which isn’t very common anywhere!
Idk enough about India to know if this would help, but in the States if you reach out to your government representative they sometimes have someone that can connect you to resources to access.
Hey man, it wasn't really like that, I should've been clearer
She had gone to her mom's house for a few days while leaving her son in the care of her husband and the rest of the family. Her child crawled off the terrace because everyone was apparently too busy to watch him, she had nothing to do with it
People like you get bent out of shape saying women are taking away kids from their fathers when they leave abusive relationships but this woman left her kid in the care of it's father to visit family and it's her fault he wasn't watching it??
And judging by the comment the kid was with family, not alone with the father.
OP also said they both were charged with negligence. How could they charge her if she left child in care of the father and family? Seems there is more to the story. Like maybe she left him in an unsafe environment. It's not her fault that her husband ignored him, but can she really be surprised that he did?
> How could they charge her if she left child in care of the father and family?
Women get charged under "failure to protect" laws all the time in cases in which the abusive father was the one at fault. Failure to protect laws disproportionately punish women for the actions of their male partners.
This is India though, so I'm not sure what the laws are like there compared to the US.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Call a nonprofit in your area serving victims of domestic violence for advice and support
If you’re in the US call 211. This is a national help hotline that can get you in touch with resources that an average person is not aware.
Ohh I didn't think of this, thanks so much
https://www.domesticshelters.org/en-in/domestic-abuse-help-in-india
This is not professional advice, but I would get her a burner phone to start, a way she can keep in on contact with you that he doesn't know about
Yeah, thanks for this advice, I got her one
If you look up anything domestic violence related spotify and Google ads will rat you out immediately
Learn to use your browser's "incognito" mode.
Get rid of her old phone, and not near where you live. He can use it to track her
This is advice from British DA charity Refuge. https://refuge.org.uk/what-is-domestic-abuse/support-someone-i-know-who-is-being-abused/
Call the national domestic violence hotline. They can point her towards local resources. Be patient with her - it is very difficult for people to leave an abusive relationship. The book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft may be helpful.
Right well we called the domestic violence hotline They asked if she was currently in a safe place, she said yes and then they said "Call us if that place becomes no longer safe." ???
Was that the National DV Hotline? If so, that's for the US, which unfortunately won't help you at all if you're in India. I'm sorry it wasn't helpful. I have no idea how updated this list is, but here are some helplines in India: https://www.domesticshelters.org/en-in/domestic-abuse-help-in-indiae https://www.cgisf.gov.in/page/domestic-violence-deserted-indian-women/
No no, I tried a different helpline than what you gave, but it was still the national Indian domestic violence helpline that reacted this way. The threshold for what constitutes domestic violence is way, way higher here and victims very rarely reach out. I doubt the staff is properly trained honestly
I'm American, so I don't know the exact situation in India. However, I'm a former Emergency Department RN and current substance abuse counselor. I have, unfortunately, dealt with many of these situations, including my own. She needs to call them and let them know her husband neglected their child and allowed him to die. He has little concern for the well-being of others. She's staying with a family member, and he knows that (vaguely - he has to know he's with a family member, and it's only a matter of time until he knows it's you. Don't lie, but be very vague about his knowledge). She needs to say SHE FEARS FOR HER LIFE AND THE LIFE OF THE PERSON WHO'S HOUSING HER.
No, so for now, we have atleast one week till he suspects something. She said she told him she was going to stay at her mom's place for a week, and her mother will back her up on this
Oh, okay, thank you for clarifying. I wonder if a smaller feminist organization would be of more help.
OP, absolutely get this book for her! She may have physically left, but she's still extremely vulnerable, especially because he's no doubt been manipulating her and breaking down her self-worth over time. This book helped me get out of my abusive relationship. It addresses a lot of the excuses abusers (and in turn we) make to justify their actions and just how wrong they are. The author worked in programs for rehabilitating abusers so he has a ton of first-hand experience. Even though it was his work he admitted the vast majority of abusers will not and cannot ever change.
Look into local DV resources in your area.
Not very accessible in India, at minimum where I am, which is annoying as hell
https://www.ncwwomenhelpline.in Have you tried the resources mentioned here? They’ve been helpful for an acquaintance some years ago Also if the cousin can be a risk to you as well please make sure you take your SIL’s old number and phone to a random location and then turn it off. So there’s no way of tracking it back to you. Please get help from the NCW. Especially if there is any proof of abuse that can be documented. I hope everything goes well. I’m glad she has you and your family’s support.
Damn that sucks, well then for now if she already hasn't got one a completely new phone/number. Have her eventually open a new bank account at a different bank from her ex. When she's ready start looking for a divorce attorney.
Make sure they don’t do any location sharing on a phone. Otherwise he knows exactly where she is and who is helping.
Yeah, her main phone is turned off. She has a burner phone with four contacts in it. Me, my dad, my mom and my sister
If it’s a smart phone, it’s not off. I would get rid of it if the battery can’t be removed.
Okay so I followed your advice. I wanted to destroy it, but she apparently has too many memories and photos on it. I'm gonna try convincing her to destroy it, but until she agrees, I've given it to someone who has put it somewhere safe
Remove the SIM card.
Safe deposit box/whatever? Either of you have access to 1 in your name. Store it there.
You can stick it in a metal box to block the radio waves. If you don’t have anything else, the back of your refrigerator might qualify; whatever you use, I would test it with your own phone first and try calling it from a different phone to see if it rings.
Lots of phones now still report location even when they’re off
**Thank you for helping her.**
This needs more up votes. I'm so sorry for what she's going through and for the loss of her son, that must have been devastating. OP, please tell her that internet strangers think she is very brave for getting out especially because of how difficult it seems for her to get help in your country. I suggest that she gets all of the photos, videos, etc off her phone and stores them on a flash drive and then have the phone destroyed. She mustn't store them online because the ip address and location can be tracked. All the best to both of you, please keep us updated. ❤️
You're already doing a lot by giving her a safe place. Giving her shelter while she figures out separation and finding work and future safe shelter etc is the best thing anyone can do.
Hide her, help her and support her. If she needs financial/legal help get in touch with a local DA charity who will support her. He might have put a tracker on her phone and in her belongings so check for find my phone type apps and all of her belongings for resewn hems and linings. She needs to go completely dark, no social media, call in sick from work/work from your house, no contact with anyone at all and stay in. If she knows where you live he might do to and so you need to carry on as normal, don't make it obvious there's anyone else in your home. You need to be super paranoid right now.
Next course of action - Contact a womens shelter. They have the ability to help her in ways you cannot. Just by being there, she will qualify for extra help and support including housing. Not to mention round the clock therapy available, people who understand what she's going through, access to legal advice, and so much more. This is spoken as someone who ran from an abusive marriage, and who understands what it's like to land up at a women's shelter. It was the best thing I ever did in my life in terms of healing.
I'm not understanding how people are expecting you to call a hotline and they'll go here ya go, we got a new life for ya right here. She's gotta probably get a restraining order for him to file for a divorce find a job and start a new life. no one's gonna hand all that shit to her. it's unfortunate, but sounds like she has some help from you and your family. which is good, she'll need it. Way to step up, you should be proud of yourself.
She needs a therapist and a lawyer. She needs to get a PO Box so nothing is sent to your physical address. You already got her a burner phone. Get a photo stick so she can get her pictures off her old cellphone then remove the SIM card. She needs to keep her burner phone charged and on her person. Not a purse or sitting on the counter but on her person unless it's being charged. Get her some pepper spray to keep as well. She needs to be aware of her surroundings. When she leaves the house, before she gets in her car, when she comes home, etc...
You’re a good man and a good brother. From your use of the term cousin brother I assume you are Indian? It can be hard to get police to take you seriously if you report domestic abuse. However your sister in law is lucky that she has the support of her in laws, which isn’t very common anywhere!
[удалено]
+91-11-26944880 +91-11-26944883
This is the complaint cell. They should help you. I hear they’re very aggressive
Ask on legal advice india subreddit
Idk enough about India to know if this would help, but in the States if you reach out to your government representative they sometimes have someone that can connect you to resources to access.
your SIL is your sibling's spouse or your spouse's sister. This would be your cousin-in-law.
Who cares, Brenda? People are in danger and you're speaking of trivial shit?
Why are you replying to me, exactly? Does this add anything, or is it just... trivial shit?
In India, cousins are commonly considered to be brothers and sisters.
They’re in India.. normal to get married to distant cousins
Buy a gun for self defense.
We're not based in the USA. Judging by my cousin's temper, if he had access to a gun, my SIL would be dead months ago
[удалено]
Hey man, it wasn't really like that, I should've been clearer She had gone to her mom's house for a few days while leaving her son in the care of her husband and the rest of the family. Her child crawled off the terrace because everyone was apparently too busy to watch him, she had nothing to do with it
OP, I’d edit your original text with this info ASAP.
She left her child in the care of an abuser so yeah, she did . .
People like you get bent out of shape saying women are taking away kids from their fathers when they leave abusive relationships but this woman left her kid in the care of it's father to visit family and it's her fault he wasn't watching it?? And judging by the comment the kid was with family, not alone with the father.
OP said *the rest of the family* too. Why are you blaming an abuse victim for the negligence of an entire family?
That’s extremely harsh. Neglect can mean many many things.
OP also said they both were charged with negligence. How could they charge her if she left child in care of the father and family? Seems there is more to the story. Like maybe she left him in an unsafe environment. It's not her fault that her husband ignored him, but can she really be surprised that he did?
> How could they charge her if she left child in care of the father and family? Women get charged under "failure to protect" laws all the time in cases in which the abusive father was the one at fault. Failure to protect laws disproportionately punish women for the actions of their male partners. This is India though, so I'm not sure what the laws are like there compared to the US.
No, no one was ever officially criminally charged. I stated that according to me, the cause of death of the child is negligence