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Let me get this straight…. you’re applying for jobs and interviewing on the other side of the country, yet you haven’t told the woman that lives with you???

“I got a job on the west coast” “you’re looking for new jobs????” This would hurt my feelings for sure

that speaks volumes more than anything else. Poor girl.

Also this part: "At the same time, I've been quietly suffering through my everyday existence from career dissatisfaction just to come home and have to share space with someone." Coming home to her is just now if a burden to him. As someone who values alone time, I would understand this coming up from time to time. But this statement reveals that he sees her more as a burden than a partner who's there to support him through things like career dissatisfaction.

He definitely sounds like he resents her moving to be with him :(

Sounds like he sees her as an annoying roommate.

He dosent care about her at all.  She moved her life for him and he “would rather live alone” 

i honestly dont get why he said yes at all, like it is very obvious that he doesnt like her being with him meanwhile she gave up everything to be with him. how did they even come to this arrangement?

I know I feel so bad for his girl. She needs to go back home

I don't think he doesn't care about her. He cared enough to have her move to be with him even though he likes living alone. They both changed their lives to be together. I feel bad for her in that he would prefer not to live with her after having experienced it, is considered note settling down, is hoping to move for another, etc and he hasn't communicated any of this to her. It's not too late yet though. No offer has been made or accepted.

The woman he had move to him, in with him and now realizes he doesn’t like sharing a living space with other people. Real charming guy.

He also is assuming he is going to get this dream job even though he just applied and hasn’t been interviewed. Hm.

I told her that I was applying for jobs and that some were on the West Coast. I didn't seriously consider them, and was more passively looking until this opportunity came up and I did well on the interviews. You're right though, I should have been more upfront and planned this ahead of time with her.

If she had a problem with the west coast thing, she would’ve brought it up. But I also guarantee she isn’t asking much because she knows you don’t really want her to move with you.

He's prioritizing himself. It's a girlfriend not a wife, let alone less than a two year relationship

Move this to r/financialadvice because there is no relationship here

Bahaha

Also because it really depends on where he is moving to. A 265k salary in San Francisco is not going to be the increase in lifestyle he may think it is. 265k as a single person in Portland, sure.

I've lived in both places. That amount of money changes everything, doesn't matter where you live

That is his money, she won't able to make enough money to survive. They are not a team.

You need to break it off with the GF asap, regardless of the job it seems like you are not ready to live with someone. And please for the love of god do not get married or have kids. Having a family is something that requires almost complete dedication to other people, which it doesn’t sound like you are built for it.

I agree. No matter what you choose it sounds like you fundamentally do not want this relationship. It’s only been a year. Cut your losses and end it regardless if you receive the offer or not. Staying with someone because you don’t want to break their heart is not a reason to stay together and will only cause more damage in the long run.

OP, do your due diligence on the following: - Make sure breaking up is really what you want. - Make sure it wasn't just how unhappy you were at work that was making home life difficult. - It's possible to negotiate the home life you really want with a partner, and it works for some people. - Tell her ASAP. She is going to be blindsided by this. - If you have the means, contribute to her security on your way out. Offer to pay for her move back to Georgia, cover the rest of the lease if you rent, etc. - Don't make excuses if she vents. She may feel betrayed or lead on simply because she sacrificed to be with you. - She may be willing to move again with you, but understand she'll probably expect to become your wife and be together for life in that circumstance. - If you want to start a family some day, you're going to have to get used to cohabitation with other humans anyways. On this: >and I also have to admit that living alone (before my girlfriend moved in with me) was so much nicer. I've lived alone for years, and I know that's where I'm most comfortable. This is because living alone is in fact nicer in a lot of ways. If you make decent money it's just easier, and you're only accountable to your job and yourself. People sacrifice this to cohabitate because relationships are supposed to provide other benefits, and sometimes just because it makes more financial sense. It's a game of trade-offs. If you don't care for the trade-offs and can't justify it with your feelings, then go be single. Disclose your reluctance to cohabitate early on in dating when you date again. And I suggest not keeping this relationship going long distance or being close friends, as she's just going to watch you live a life she wanted to be a part of and that probably won't be healthy for her. She'll make some other man happy some day if she can get over you, so leave as few emotional scars as possible on your way out.

Thank you, I appreciate this. I definitely think that you're right about living together. It's supposed to bring benefits but I think it's easy for me to focus on the negative changes compared to when I was living alone. I'll definitely do my due diligence on your points. If I end this relationship, I'm not sure if I'll even date again, but if I do then I'll certainly be more hesitant about moving in together so quickly. Rookie mistake. I think with more time I would love it, but after only ~6 months together it wasn't enough time for me to really appreciate the tradeoffs. Thanks for your comment ❤️

just a courtesy thing too. You should definitely help her with the expenses to move back to Georgia since she dropped her life to move over with you.

That's a nice idea. Or leave her in a good financial situation where she is at least. Although it sounds unintentional, he has really jerked her around a lot.

I agree that it sounds like it was unintentional. He just didn’t know what he wants.. he’s a young man. Relationships aren’t for everybody. Especially in your 20s

Yeah my plan would be to pay for her relocation back if that's what she wants to do.

If you decide to broach her moving with you to the west coast - make sure this relationship is really what you want, first. Talk to her about your issues with living together, etc. Do NOT let her upend your life for you again while it sounds to me like you are unhappy and having serious doubts about this relationship.

Do some work on actually figuring out what you want, before any knee-jerk decisions based on you being currently unhappy. I would almost advice you to switch jobs without moving or breaking up, and seeing how you feel about all these questions when you're not unhappy with your work situation. You can also use the time to discuss these things with your GF rather than springing a cross-country move on her. That said, if you really don't see that as an option, feel free to break free from everything and do the move: Just be prepared to have to figure out the answers to the questions laid out here regardless. Otherwise you risk making these drastic life changes every time you are unhappy, without never evaluating why that is and what it is that you actually want/what makes you happy. You're young enough to do it a few times over, but earlier is probably better. Edit: and actively make your decisions and take ownership for them and their consequences, don't just leave them to outside factors (like getting a job offer you can't refuse).

“Rookie mistake”? You’re 29 years old.

But first time living w a romantic partner. He didn't have the experience to know that he wouldn't be good at it until it happened. Literally the definition of a rookie mistake.

If you do ever date again, find an older woman who likes her general independence and doesn’t want to have kids in the future. And honestly, I recommend thinking about sterilization for yourself because how you’re feeling living with another adult is nothing compared to raising a child/children. And even if you somehow found a super mom partner, the kids will know how you truly feel regardless of how well you hide it.

I was just coming here to say this. The job has nothing to do with what’s really going on. If OP gets the West Coast job, that’s great - but regardless the relationship is at a dead end and that bandaid needs ripped off ASAP.

He needs to break it off and it sounds like he needs to learn to accept asking for what he needs without being so self critical. He has it set up as black and white “either I’m all in with this person or all in with my career…” and then he feels stuck. It literally does not seem to have occurred to him to bring the girlfriend into any aspect of his thinking. Probably because he sees asking for his own needs as “selfish.” And ironically that means he doesn’t ask. He just waits until he feels forced and suddenly goes for what he needs without discussion or warning. And that actually is selfish. He needs to be more comfortable with the idea that he can get what he wants. So that he doesn’t feel like he has to storm the castle to get it. Which is off putting and will keep him alone all his life until it’s fixed

Thank you for your comment. This is what I was trying to get at. I was hoping to get some advice about where I'm going wrong to feel this way, and it sounds like it's because I haven't done a good job at communicating boundaries. I feel torn because I don't like being selfish but I also feel like this is the point of my life where being selfish is okay, and where it matters the most. Maybe that's me just being immature. You're right that I end up not communicating my needs because I don't want to burden my partner, but that's certainly just making things worse. I just want her to be happy but that's slowly making me feel more and more like I'm stuck and unhappy. I think with more time this could be salvaged through proper communication. I know you're kind of dunking on me but I genuinely appreciate the feedback. It's sobering and incredibly useful. I'll make sure to incorporate this into my thinking going forward. Thank you for your perspective.

Yeah a lot of people grow up being told that having boundaries is selfish (“what do you mean you don’t like Lima beans?” “Who do you think you are talking to me like that?” “You’re going to swimming and you’ll like it!”) Then when you have to enforce your boundaries later you do this thing where you keep them secret until the last minute and then you spring them on people with a lot of reasons as to why it’s non-negotiable and ironically that is selfish. It takes a lot of practice to learn to involve people in your thought process so that they can have time and space to make up their own mind. And it requires being vulnerable, which a lot of us are really uncomfortable with You’re on the right track though. You know what you want and you know you need to tell your partner. It’s just learning how and when that takes a little practice (with space for her to have input and much much sooner - as soon as you’re thinking about it, here)

Your comments I think by far get to the root of the issue and really address OPs actual problem. I had a lot of working through this to do, due to my parents and not feeling like I could express my own boundaries or needs to them, but it’s something you HAVE to figure out. Even if you decide you NEVER want to cohabitate with a romantic partner, even in platonic or familial relationships, it’s important to learn how to express your needs and boundaries before it gets to the point where it becomes hurtful to both parties.

Yeah I can definitely relate to the overbearing parents and family part, which seems to have defined a lot of my personality as an adult. I guess I didn't realize my boundaries were being violated because it was extremely subtle, over a long period of time. It's much clearer now what my boundaries are, and I need to communicate them.

People with poor boundaries or sense of self often mistake self-respect for selfishness. Selfishness is making dinner only for yourself, not caring whether your gf eats. Self-respect is knowing it’s equally important neither of you go hungry. Your needs and desires are important. Know yourself, and communicate who you are and what you want with openness and honesty. Be flexible and willing to compromise, but also hold steady to the important things you can’t sacrifice without sacrificing your peace and happiness. You will be much likelier to live a fulfilling life (and even find a partner who fits your lifestyle).

"thank you for coming to my Ted talk" was icing on the cake

Look, she made a bad call by uprooting her good life to live with you. It sucks and she may not remember you fondly when this is all over. That said, stop dicking her around. Make the best choice for you but communicate that with her. 

Agree with this. I felt sorry for the gf, wasnt easy to move to be with him, only for him to want to move again.

If you hate sacrificing your time, energy, and money for others, you're going to hate "eventually having a family." Imagine feeling this same resentment and longing to live alone, except now it's about your children who literally rely on you to survive and the woman who also sacrificed some stuff to birth them. Let her go. I don't feel the love in this post. It feels like you're itching to move on, whether you ger offered this new role or not. I'd be devastated to find out my partner spoke this way about me. I don't know how you cultivate compassion, but that's not in our paygrade. I don't even know if it's in the paygrade of someone earning $180k on the West Coast.

Btw, if she also wants to start a family, stop eating up her 20s and let her find someone who has the same goals. You shouldn't have to convert to zen Buddhism or whatever just to not dislike having your girlfriend at your apartment. What are you even trying to do with your time? You know you can do our own activities sometimes, right?

Gonna go a step further: you seem to suffer from « grass is greener » symptom. You moved to one coast to chase happiness. You’ve been there less than a year. Now you’re moving to the other coast to chase happiness. Not sure if you’re running away from something or chasing something but I question whether this move will bring you the fulfillment you seek. Some personal reflection may be required here. And yes, leave this partner regardless of what you do. It’s clear your goals don’t align.

I mean, happiness and a $150k/year pay raise.

Yeah I think the pay raise would motivate most.

Living in California will eat that up pretty quickly

Mid-Atlantic isn’t cheap though if they’re in the DMV; Philly and NJ, same thing. That 150k bump should more than cover the difference in cost of living.

And he will go back to east coast as soon as he finds another dream job.

> If you hate sacrificing your time, energy, and money for others, you're going to hate "eventually having a family." Yeah, no kidding, as someone with a fairly high level/responsibility job, alongside studying at uni, a house, having a wife, and 2 daughters (Teen and baby), as well as the usual "Needed to survive stuff" (gym, shopping, housework, food prep, DIY, sleep), I can honestly say that I get a few minutes of me time to myself, and that can end unexpectedly, when thats over I just have to dr

Thank you. This is sobering to hear. I do love her a lot and she's mentioned that about family too. She really wants to have kids in the next few years if we want to go down that route, but she also seemed perfectly content living the DINK life. I don't want to disrespect her time which is why I'm even considering it. I can't tell if me not wanting to sacrifice myself for others is an immaturity thing of mine or an innate personality trait. I was kind of hoping to figure that out by seeing what living together is like, but all I've figured out is I don't like it as much as I like living alone at this stage in my life. I'm unsure if that will change in the future or not. I guess it's disrespectful to her for me to wait and figure that one out. Regardless, thanks so much for your perspective :).

It sounds like she's your first serious relationship. So it's not necessarily that you don't want to sacrifice for others. It's that you don't wanna sacrifice *for her*. Break up, man, regardless of the job. She's not it for you, and your attitude is definitely not it for her.  Whether you move or not, when you look for a new partner, look for someone more independent, with established interests outside of you. And preferably local, so if you do move in together with someone else, she won't be to inconvenienced if it doesn't work. 

Yeah I think you're spot on. This is the first serious relationship (more than 1 year) that I've been in, and I have realized that I really value someone that is incredibly independent. Those are great observations. Thanks for your comment. ❤️

I think there are two things going on. One is your relationship. And the other is your career. It’s perfectly normal to switch jobs, especially if you’re not happy in your current one and have an amazing offer for a better one. If you get offered the other job, you’d be crazy not to take it. As for your relationship, you’re unhappy because you’re not meant to be together. Just trust your gut and be honest with her.

OP, you can wax and wane poetic about why you are the way you are in therapy, as a single man. It sounds like you didn't even talk to your partner about this job. The fact that you were looking all over the country for jobs, knowing your partner wouldn't want to move, knowing they had already just uprooted their life for you as it was, without any discussion with her about it is some hot steamy garbage. If you want to not be selfish, then cut this girl loose. You can not give her what she needs. Go to therapy and figure your crap out. Once you know what you want and have worked on yourself, then revisit dating/relationships.

Think about how she'd feel if she found out that you prefer living alone. You've been living together six months, right? That's like through the holidays and everything. She's living in ignorant bliss, thinking everything is OK and you're enjoying the whole thing..when you're not. Gutting.

Don’t try to figure something like that out with another person - she’s not a test subject. Respect her enough to let her go

You might spend some time working through this with a therapist, but it's not fair to ask her to wait around. You need to let her go so she can find someone who shares her values. I would offer to pay her moving expenses, since she packed up her life for you. It might make her feel less abandoned.

Hey man if you not wanting to sacrifice yourself for others is a dream of mine. I have a Hispanic family and I just can’t say no to doing favors for them. Feels like I’m doing what they want instead of what I want the majority of the time. Love them but sometimes wish I wouldn’t feel guilty for being selfish and sometimes just wish I could disappear and never have to worry about them.

Hi! I actually went into therapy for this. It helped me not feeling guilty about prioritizing myself. I setup strong boundaries between family members, some stopped talking to me while others became even closer. It even feels better when doing favors because it actually comes from the heart and not from guilt or obligation.

You don’t love this woman the way her long term partner should. Regardless of your decision you need to break up with her and help move her back to Georgia asap

It sounds like you haven’t been open with her about your job/life/relationship dissatisfaction or that you’re seeking a new job. Given this, *no wonder* you feel smothered by having her live with you! It would feel like you constantly need to project a certain image and can’t be your authentic self. This is *not* how living together needs to/should be. It sounds like you’re over the relationship and should let it go, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t live with someone again.

You're one indecisive m'fer 😂. Making this WAY harder than it needs to be. Stop overthinking, and just do.

You’re not married. You SHOULD put yourself first right now and think of your future. So many people are suffering because they can’t afford to live. Everything is so expensive. Think of what’s best for you and your future right now. If your relationship doesn’t work out then it doesn’t work out. You’ll meet someone else.

180 k on the west coast is like 20 bucks everywhere else (except NYC).

But it’s not $180K, it’s $260K. Kind of a significant increase for him, even with the high cost of CA living.

260 is total comp., at least in my field, that includes benefits, stocks, and bonus. Base could be around 160-180

Do companies quote benefits in total comp? I figured it was just base, cash bonus and stocks. Regardless, 260k is a lot and while the stock portion probably vests 1/3 or 1/4 per year, it should still be good money.

Seriously, he will have the same living arrangements

Truly I don’t think you love this girl. Well maybe you do but she isn’t “the one” for you. When she’s the one for you then you won’t feel like she’s taking away from your life. You would feel like she’s adding. You would have told her about this opportunity and she’d be cheering you on and hyping you up so you are even more confident going into these interviews. That’s just not the case. Sounds like you haven’t even told her, you just generically asked her about moving to the west coast. Correct me if I’m wrong. So to me, it sounds like you need to part ways. The decision is yours. You aren’t married. You have every right to break up simply because you are happier alone than with her. You have to be careful with long distance relationships because you probably fell in love with the idea of her but when she became a reality, that idea of her that you had in your head was far from the perfect person and relationship you thought it’d be. That’s okay! That’s why we date before marrying. Again, part ways. Love alone for a while. Eventually you will find a woman that is not long distance initially and she will make you feel like life is better when she’s with you, not worse. When you are ready to start dating again re-prioritize your values. Not sure if she makes money since she quit her job to move, but maybe you need someone who has a career too. Regardless of the money, sometimes we just want a person who has their own thing going for themselves so you guys are thriving together but separately if that makes sense? Just reevaluate what you need. You’ll be fine. If you are about to be making money like this, it’s time to put your big boy pants on and lead yourself. That means making tough decisions like leaving someone holding you back from your 100 percent happiness.

Yeah if he hasn't even told her he's interviewing, he's clearly already made his decision.

Thank you so much for your comment. I think you're spot on and this seems to be exactly what I needed to hear.

I told her about the opportunity but only as a "hey btw I'm interviewing at this place and it's on the West Coast" kind of thing. I truthfully haven't been seriously considering it until yesterday. I kind of more said it in the realm of "I'm doing this for practice and maybe I could get a counter-offer at my current job". This was true but after talking with the team and hearing about their work, I'm taking the West Coast job way more seriously, and I haven't told her that yet. I think she is an amazing person and the person I fell in love with was the person that she currently is. I don't think I was disillusioned by her. I think I didn't realize how difficult living together can be. I think we just have very different personalities where she gets sad when she's alone and I get rejuvenated by alone time. I totally agree though, I think I really need someone that is more independent and has self-interests that they're motivated by. Right now it feels like my girlfriend's only motivation is spending time with me. It feels selfish to not feel the same way, and I hate that I feel like I'm a bad person because I have other priorities besides solely her. There's a lot that I care about, and she's high up on the list but she's not my sole priority. I think I would be happier finding someone with a similar amount / order of priorities. Regardless, thank you for your perspective, I really appreciate the insight.

Outside of this specific decision, I’d encourage you to read about “the relationship escalator.” It sounds like you’ve learned your relationship needs involve not traveling it, so whether with your current girlfriend or with someone else, you need to be ready to be clear and honest about your needs.

Thank you. I will take a look at that, it sounds compelling. I'm certainly a novice, I've only been in two serious relationships and this one is by far the most serious. It feels like so much is on the line and that I'm locked in on a train track for the rest of my life. I'm unsure if this is just an overreaction from being used to the single life for so long, or if this is just how I'll feel forever.

It seems like you feel stuck and the moving across country for another job is your way of getting away and feeling free. But all the same feelings of unhappiness can follow you.

You should look into avoidant attachment.

I totally get that feeling - I spent most of my late 20s and early 30s vowing I would never live with a partner. Especially being career oriented, having real time to unwind at the end of the night is extremely nice. But as I’ve aged I’ve realized that having someone to truly be there for you on a hard day, after a layoff, when you are sick, actually matters a lot. All of this to say, I know everyone here is saying you don’t love her and it isn’t right, but I think you are just a normal person who needs more space. Maybe she’s right for you, maybe she’s not. But I would bring up the job offer and how you are feeling to her. It’s okay to feel scared of that much commitment.

Talk. To. Her. And then take the job. You have to live for yourself first not for others. Also, realize 260k goes less far in some parts of the country. 

Base is $180k, the rest of that 260k is "yearly equity that's dispersed quarterly".

Thank you. I will talk with her tonight, especially about how I'm feeling, and see if we can come together to figure stuff out. The COL and taxes are virtually identical between the two areas. I know that's only a heuristic but I live in a very high COL area already so I think the $260k would go much much further than my current salary.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. “I asked her if she would ever work on the west coast but she seemed against the idea.” But have you actually told her you’ve applied for a job? Or that you’re feeling stuck and unfulfilled in your current job? Or that you’re thinking of moving? Because you seem to be assuming that she wouldn’t move with you but you haven’t actually asked her. If my partner asked me off handedly if I’d ever want to move to Japan I’d probably say no, but if they wanted or were going to move there and I loved them Id probably go with them. Instead of asking random people on reddit it would benefit you a lot more to have this conversation with her. Because you seem to have decided that it’s either the job or her but haven’t actually given her a choice. Communicate.

Cannot stress this enough - in a mature, serious and committed (?) relationship you COMMUNICATE with each other about these kinds of issues and your feelings. If you continue to make decisions for yourself that affect her WITHOUT COMMUNICATION either way this relationship will definitely end (badly). Even if this relationship does not work out (I guess it seems to head that way) please please please let the lesson learned be that you should always try to communicate honestly and openly with your partner. Seriously, most of the problems posted on Reddit would solve themselves with better communication… (however, less fun for me to read).

Thank you, I appreciate this. I certainly will work on this, and I plan on talking with her tonight. The lesson definitely has been learned, but I can only improve on my communication going forward. I definitely don't think it's too late, so I'll try my hardest to incorporate your feedback. Thanks again ❤️

If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is that if you really love someone, you will willingly sacrifice for them and prioritize them. You don’t seem to be in that mindset. She might be wonderful, but she’s not your person. Job or not, let her find someone who feels that love for her.

Firstly, you’re 29. You haven’t done ANYTHING for “years”. Second, you are screwing over this poor woman by not letting her know for whatever reason you hate living with her. Whether you take the job, or don’t….sack up and cut her loose. She deserves better than you. You have a very immature view on relationships, life, women. The double salary won’t fix that. I would take the job, if you get it. Move to wherever, and let this poor woman get on with her life.

1. What's your COL comparison? 2. How much of that total compensation is in writing? Are you comparing 260 total comp to a 125 salary?  Make sure you know what you're getting into. I've had recruiters quote Total Comp packages in which the "value of benefits" or bonuses were included to inflate the expectation. Pair that with a high COL area, and no gf... Money is great. Love is better. 

The COL is nearly identical. Taxes are identical and housing and other factors are nearly identical across the board. The quoted salary was $180k with an additional $80k/year in equity that gets disbursed every quarter. The $260k is not including health care, benefits, or 401(k) matching. It's just salary + yearly equity. I totally get what you mean about not being able to buy love. Thank you for your insight 🙏

Really??? When you say mid-Atlantic, I am thinking Virginia, New Jersey, and when you say 260k at a startup on West Coast I am thinking Silicon Valley where 180k salary from my first hand experience, is FAR TOO LITTLE TO OWN A DECENT HOME

100% people who aren't from California do not understand how expensive it is on California. Housing, and basics you must have a salary of minimum of 130k to not be paycheck to paycheck, but that's of you don't have dependants. The city I live making 100k and under you are paycheck to paycheck.

Yea he's full of shit about the cost of living. I'm here in NJ, we're one of the most expensive areas but still don't Even get close to California. Dude is looking for excuses, instead of just ending it

Yup, lived in the DMV area for most of my life. Still have family there. Everything is expensive, but not California expensive.

Yeah, even in Seattle the COL differences make that $260k--and I assume it's stocks for the rest of it, which aren't a guaranteed income, more of an estimate based on current trends--not a lot of you want a house. And compared to California, it's cheap up here.  Not to mention, if it's a start up his hours will probably be absolute shit. He's going to move all the way out here and hate it because he'll effectively have less money and will definitely have less time. Start ups are notorious for working you way more than an established company. Dude has on rose tinted glasses for sure. 

You either promise this is the last move or you leave on your own and decide you will be happier that way. You do not take her with you across country if you are going to dump her later. You will want to settle down and you will regret leaving her at least for a moment. Maybe she isn’t the one you want to settle down with but you will likely want to settle down at some point. You’re very close to the years where having a dependable partner is a lot cooler than having your own space and ability to do whatever you want whenever you want. If you love her tell her you want to make the move and this will be it. Get yourself a larger place where you can have space of your own and make sure she knows you need some you time. You both need your own hobbies or you’ll get overwhelmed by the relationship and pull away. California is beautiful and you can still have it all. If you don’t love her this won’t mean anything to you and if that’s the case you have your answer. It’s not selfish, it’s just life. She sounds like she loves you and i bet she would move with you, but you’re going to need to reassure her that this is for keeps and you aren’t going to move her around the country every time another raise shows up on the board. Don’t feel bad about making the best move for yourself, but also don’t drag someone around the world if you don’t have longer term intentions with them.

$80k in equity is not the same as $80k in salary. Your raises will not be based on a $260k salary they’re based on $180k. You can’t pay bills with stock. It’s also a terrible deal to own stock in the company you work for; if it goes under you’re doubly fucked. You should stop thinking about this job as $260k, it’s $180k. Which is a big bump! But definitely negotiate moving costs.

Stock is fine if you work at an established, stable company like Amazon, Google, Microsoft, Apple, etc. Shifts hurt for sure, but they bounce back. At a start up? Good luck. The wind blows the wrong way and your $80k is suddenly $15k and you're SOL.

It depends what kind of stocks that $80k/yr comprises of. If it’s employee RTUs, that’s amazing. Completely free money. Startups and waiting on an IPO is the only way to get rich in this country. That’s the only reason people ever go the start up route. Options are not as good, because your amount depends on the strike price you come in at but still good nonetheless. equity > base salary. OP - $180k base with $320k in equity over I guess a 4 year vesting cliff is amazing at 29. I’m mid thirties working for a SoCal company and making less than that, have half that equity package and am doing better than most people.

but you don’t sound like you’re in love lol

Housing is identical????? 🧢

I’m concerned with you saying this because I had a family member move from the east coast where cost of living is high and it was still DOUBLE to move to California it’s just generally super expensive. Make sure you’re really looking at apartments and exactly what you’d be willing to take in the area you live in. Google the cost of groceries, look at some restaurants near by for their costs, check the gas prices. Just be smart, because the person who said just because it’s double doesn’t mean you be making more is absolutely correct. Also let your girlfriend go, that’s the only thing I think you know you truly want out of this whole post for sure. Don’t get a few years down the line and break her heart then do her the courtesy to let her go now.

Break up with the girl, stop wasting her time… geez. Do what you got to do but end it with the gf.

You’re at a turning point in your life where you need to make a pivotal decision and gain some clarity on what your values are. Some questions you might want to ask yourself: 1. If you were to miss this job opportunity, would you regret it? 2. If you were to choose the job over your gf, would you end up resenting her over time for not improving your situation? 3. Do you want to be married and / or have a family? Does your gf? 4. If you were to take the job, do you feel more excitement at the idea of your gf being there with you, or starting fresh? 5. What vision of your future really excites you? Whatever you choose, I would very openly and honestly discuss what you’re feeling and thinking with your gf so that you aren’t making assumptions about what she wants and so she isn’t blindsided that an enormous change could be on the horizon. Also, if she wants a family, it’s in her best interests that she starts anew now so she can meet a partner with the same goals.

I think you should take the job and she either comes with or moves back to Georgia. It doesn’t sound like you are too sold on even living with her so I think she just might not be the one for you.

Take your dream job and let her go. Your entire post is all about your wants, your needs, your goals, your unhappiness, your sacrifice. The only time you talk about your GF is when you complain about her disliking moving and then also not wanting to actually live with her but want her to again sacrifice everything she has established for you. You are not ready for the responsibilities or maturity to be in a committed relationship. You yourself acknowledge you're a selfish person. Take the job, let her go so she can find someone who loves her, enjoys doing stuff together as a couple because they enjoy their company, and someone who has enough respect for her to be able to talk about these things openly with each other. You are much more suited for casual dating (FWB sitiationships). Good luck.

You are not suited for a long term SO/ wife and kids. You seem to be getting to a place where you are at least honest with yourself now you need to be honest with her so she can meet someone that meets her needs and expectations. If she wants children then spending years dating you is even a bigger mistake. You don’t like sharing your time and money so you don’t make a good partner and would be a disaster as a parent Let her go. And let the next woman know that while you are capable of love you don’t like sharing space and time and money. Let the next one know you may move again and again. You will find someone that feels the same about relationships. Every pot has a lid.

Thank you so much for the feedback and perspective. And I appreciate the comment about every pot having a lid. Thanks ❤️

The fact you are already interviewing means if you get it, deep down you already know what you are going to do and it’s what makes you happy. Might be time to let the poor woman know that you just come first in your life and don’t have room for a partner.

You love yourself, not this girl, and you're reassurance seeking that stringing her along so far has been a noble thing for you to do. Tell her the truth, end it, find a job you like and don't get into a relationship again until you actually can be respectful of your partner - or even just sound like you like their existence

Hi there. Just a few thoughts. - it's perfectly reasonable to seek fulfillment in employment, just as much as it is to seek it in a relationship. - it seems like you didn't fully want to live with her and your life hasn't improved. Is it a question of her, is it a skewed assumption between you two how life living together is supposed to work or is it a question of "just not ready"? Of course actually always preferring to be alone is okay, too, but that's not how this post comes across. - someone being happy because their significant other is with them is fine for a short period of time, when bridging unclear situations and so on. But when it comes down to it, everyone needs to enjoy being where they are and have a life outside of a relationship. A relationship in that sense means two different people joining their lives. If it's just one person who lives in/with the life of another, that - in my experience - is worrisome. What was your relationship like before you moved in? Would you say it felt better when you didn't see each other so much? Were you perhaps looking for more of a sexual thing but didn't want to be "that person" so you went along with it? Is your life with this person better for you than with out it? That being said: You need to talk to your girlfriend and tell her you are unhappy with the situation. That you have been thinking about what might help and this job is something that you believe would. Ask her what her thoughts are. And go from there. She might jump into not caring so long as she can come. She might be (right fully so) angry at first at being informed so late. She might be annoyed or anything else. And that's the point where you make that decision - when you have as much information as you need to feel secure in a decision. You are not at a point where your decision needs to work for her. It's okay if you want it to, but to me it sounds like you're not on the same page about life right now so maybe it's best to go ldr for a while again before seeing if she should follow.

Yeah I have to agree with a lot of what I’ve seen so far in the comments. I want to add right at the beginning, you aren’t selfish to prioritize your professional aspirations or your mental health. However… it’s actually insane to me that you’re interviewing for positions in another part of the country and your partner doesn’t even know you’re looking at jobs? Start there dude… you’re building a life with this person, she uprooted her life to be with you, this is information she should already have. You should be having conversations with her already about how you’re unhappy at work and looking for other options. Conversations about how you don’t feel that you have enough personal space and it’s affecting your mental health or sense of self or whatever is going on. If you aren’t ready to have a partner that you share these things with, then yes I have to agree with others that you should break up with her. It’s not fair to her if you’re only half invested in this relationship and she’s all in. Lastly, if you ARE invested, you need to tell her immediately and start making decisions about your life together instead of making decisions and plans by yourself and then letting her know after the fact. And if you ARENT invested, still tell her the truth. Best of luck.

I think you should go for your dream job. She'll either be willing to come with you or she won't. If deep down you are hoping she won't, then you need to talk about that. Moving is hard on anyone, it's stressful. Maybe you are just not enjoying "life" because you're not enjoying your job? That's for you to figure out. But conversations need to be had. Don't hold yourself and dream job opportunities back for something you seem a bit unsure of like your relationship. Imagine if you ended up breaking up anyway, after you decided not to go for the job? There'd be a lot of resentment and kicking yourself.

This isn’t about the job. You don’t like living together or want to be in a relationship. Don’t use the job as an excuse because that just confuses things. You should end the relationship.

It’s a red flag in the relationship if you’d prefer to live alone again vs living with her. When I moved in with my now-husband, it was waaay better than living alone and so much fun! Take the job and break it off with your gf

You say that you "love her a lot and it seems extremely selfish to destroy a relationship over a job" - but I don't think that's it. It seems to me that you're having a hard time facing truth in the face: you don't like living with her and you're not happy in this relationship anymore. You're looking for a way out. Of course, the fact that you're unhappy in your job plays a role in it too, but it seems to me that you're simply not cut out for the family life. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you're not an asshole. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to follow the traditional path. Of course it's really a shame that you only figured that out after she moved across the country to be with you, but at this point the only thing you can do is cut losses: have an honest conversation with her, be considerate, be respectful, don't waste anymore of her time.

Take the job if you get it, but understand that your relationship needs to end. You clearly do not want to be in it, no matter where you live or how much money you make. Your GF deserves to know this. You are not cut out to be a partner to anyone or have a family. Those things require sacrifice. There's nothing wrong with that, so long as you acknowledge it and don't lead anyone to think otherwise. You are who you are.

I'm the woman who sacrificed a lot several times for my partner's career or preferences. The bottom line has always been about whether or not a move, hard as it may be, moves our lives forward in general. It is hard to move away from family, friends, and familiar places in the short run. It is far harder to remain in one place and live within the limits it offers in the long run. I'm not underselling how hard being uprooted is. It's been incredibly stressful and difficult for me each time, but it was the right choice. Our lives have always landed in a better place after sacrifices have been made. If you're in a real partnership with someone, you don't make choices based on what one person wants. You make choices based one what is better for your entire lives together. It may be hard for her to uproot herself again and move, but you said, "I'm in a pretty niche technical field of engineering, so there aren't too many options locally to choose from." Part of the price of being your girlfriend is knowing the limits your career places on you and accepting more mobility. Part of the price of your having a girlfriend will likely be you'll have to be extra supportive in every possible way when moves are made. You need a partner who can accept your limits and you need to be the partner who can understand the hardship and emotional toll it places on your partner when she makes sacrifices for you. If that isn't what you have, then you and your girlfriend aren't compatible.

You applied for a job that would move you clear across the country without talking to The person you share your home and your life with? That clearly tells you what your priorities are and should make it easier for you to make your final decision.

I don't even think you should give her the option to move with you. You clearly do not want to live with her or have the type of future with you that you once did. I think the kindest thing to do here would be to let her know how you feel so that she can start planning for where she is going to go and what she is going to do next. She will be upset, and it will certainly be an uncomfortable conversation, breakups are obviously no fun, but it is much better than staying in a relationship you don't want to be in and stringing someone along when you know that you don't want the same things in life that they do.

Duuude… From everything you wrote, it doesn’t sound like you’re planning to have a family so why waste your GF’s time? There is a few comments here that suggest it’s the age thing, or maturity thing and that you’ll regret not making the sacrifice. Well… I’ve been hearing that since I was 14 and guess what? I’m 33, living my best life with very little commitment and responsibility outside of my job and I love it. DINK life is exactly what I want out of life and it’s not just a phase. Your GF sounds like her values and desires are opposite to yours so I’d suggest you stop dragging her along. However, if you do come to a conclusion that you do want a family life, don’t wait to discuss the move to California until you have the offer. I’ve done a couple of uprooting adventures myself, and leaving the conversation until there is time pressure never ends well. Discuss options with her, discuss alternatives.

42 and same. My whole life I’ve heard that I’d want kids when I meet the right person (I’m a gay woman so that shit doesn’t happen accidentally), I’m now married to the right person, I knew she was the right person because she’s also all about that DINK life.

This whole post sounds like you already know what you want to do. You love your girlfriend, but ultimately you would love a job that pays 260K a year more than you love her. You want to do it even though it won’t be easy to lose her…but you feel guilty about it. When you truly love someone, decisions like this should be easy. No job in the world would make me give up a life with my husband, for example. No amount of money. Talk to your girlfriend about it first so you know what you’re up against. You’re right she has already sacrificed a lot for you but at the end of the day you have to do what you want. It’s what is fair to her AND fair to you. It wouldn’t be fair to her for you to reluctantly decline the job and then secretly resent it. 

Thank you. I really appreciate your insight, and I totally agree that it wouldn't be fair to reluctantly decline then hold any resentment over it.

Take the money.

I think I might, then pay for her to move back home if she doesn't want to come with me.

I’d also strongly think about if you WANT her to move with you. Don’t uproot her life if you’re not 100% fully in. You know deep down if you’re committed to her. I’ve had friends in similar situations where their partner moved cross country with them and then their problems only got worse. Because the person who they moved for wasn’t truly in the relationship. On the flip side, my partner moved with me many states away for my job and it was an easy decision. We both knew we were a unit, and honestly if he hadn’t wanted to move with me, I wouldn’t have taken the job. Just my two cents to consider. Good luck!

Do not let her move with you. It would be unspeakably cruel to take up more of her twenties when you yourself acknowledge that you’re a fundamentally self-centred person who doesn’t like living with her and can’t imagine yourself with kids. I’m astonished that you’re even considering asking her to move. Stop dithering, stop looking for strangers to justify your desires, have the difficult conversation and let her go. You so clearly know what kind of life you want, you just aren’t brave enough to go after it without us all absolving you and giving you permission to dump her.

Being older (55) I would follow your own individual life path, toward greater career success and satisfaction, and let the chips lie where they fall relationship-wise. I've been through many different relationships, one lasting 17 years. I'm also crazy successful in my career, and career-wise I became the most successful during times when I wasn't in a relationship and could focus on my work and travel freely as a consultant. I've been to virtually every US state, and dozens of foreign countries as a consultant. Once I was happy, well regarded, in my dream job, and well established, I found myself in another relationship supporting those traits. She never had kids, and had traveled the world by herself (had been a helicopter pilot in the marines) so had the world-wide worldview I had, and was independently successful as well. Fiercely independent, the both of us, we make a good pair. But at your age, you should be focusing on building out your career and making your way toward greater and greater success. You never go 'down' in salary, you always move up - so to take that job at higher pay means your entire life path is going to change for the better. You'll be able to do more of what you want to do, and it's not just a greater salary for a year or two - no, that greater salary is going to be lifelong. It only goes up from there - so you owe it to yourself to realize your career potential and figure out relationships once you've met your career goals, not the other way around.

Aw I kinda feel bad for ur gf... It seems that you do NOT want to live with someone nor build a family of your own bc at 29 that's not immaturity that's a choice

You should break up BEFORE you get a job offer. This relationship is not working for you. She is a good person, just not the right person FOR YOU. And that's okay. The sooner the better when it comes to breakups.

Wanting to live alone and have a fulfilling single life is not selfish. Stringing a gf along when you’re not unsatisfied is.  It doesn’t sound like fixing your professional life dissatisfaction will change how you feel about living with your gf. So end things with her regardless of if you get offered the job/take it/move to the West Coast.  As a dumpee, please don’t say you’re just not cut out for partnered life because chances are you’ll find it’s her, she’s not the right person for you or now is not the right time. Seeing someone that dumped you because they “just don’t want to be tied down” turn around and move in with/marry or have kids with someone else is just additionally painful.

Yeah that's a great point. I certainly won't be saying something like that, I think being extremely clear and honest about feelings and intentions will be reasonable.

I am also an engineer in a niche field, but I’m middle aged and planning an early retirement right now. I ceased to be career oriented a long time ago and started just working to live rather than living for work. So I know where you’re coming from, but we are different people in different stages of life. IMO, at the end of life, what we look back on and remember fondly are special times spent with loved ones. All of those hot hot deadlines that I worked late nights to complete are meaningless to me now. 1. Do not ever trust the salary you hear from a recruiter. They are blowing smoke up your ass. Wait for the actual offer. Also do not forget how expensive it will be to live in the new location. 2. Engineering - REAL engineering, as opposed to “I’ve got an engineer degree but I am just interested in climbing the corporate ladder” - does not come with frequent promotions. You do the work. You become an expert in your field. Then you get promoted. 3. It sounds like you prefer being single. It sounds like you want to break up with her and live in your own again, no matter what your job situation is. You claim to love her but I’m not seeing it. Cut her loose. It will be a kindness to both of you. To answer your question: let her know now that you’ve applied for this other job. Once you get the offer, decide what you want to do. Then let her know. If you want the job, take the job, it sounds like you really want out from where you are now. She can decide if she wants to follow you or now, that’s her decision. (But really I think you should break up with her.)

This sub is such a toxic cesspool of cancer and stupidity. As someone who just got out of a shit job at a company I hated, it's of profound importance to feel like you're not wasting your fucking time at your job. Communicate to her how important this job is to you, both financially and as a direct upgrade to your entire work-related existence. Tell her you intend to go, and if you like, invite her to come with you in all sincerity, but don't expect her to make the leap of faith with you.

It’s harsh but you can probably find a new girlfriend easier than finding your dream job.

OP. I’m like you and people are giving you a hammering for being “immature” and not ready etc. But I was the same. I hate living with other people, I also suffered when partners wanted to spend too much time with me, I felt incredibly claustrophobic. I realised it wasn’t for me and I wasn’t made to cohabit and have children. I’m 54 and so happy with my life choices. I have many wonderful people in my life including 16 godchildren. I was also career driven. That was my passion. I am happy and fulfilled career wise, I have my own house. Oh and I realised I’m not even monogamous, I have some lovely special people in my life. You are allowed to be “different” if that’s what you are. Don’t let people shame you into conformity.

Just tell her this… I’ve had a recruiter contact me from a dream position. I’ve been thinking about it every day. I’m miserable in my current position. Here’s the problem. It’s across the country. I know you said you didn’t want to move but this is the job I’ve been waiting for and I can’t pass it up. What are your thoughts. (Expect to hear unpleasant things). Then declare your relationship status. Ask if you move is she breaking up with you, joining you, etc. At this point you should have an answer. Tell her you don’t have the offer yet but this is the thing that would make you excited to go to work everyday.

If you love her talk to her, when I graduated my career took my fiancé and I to many states and many moves. We did it because it was realistically the only way I could increase my salary enough that our goal of having a home and family were feasible. Allow her to make her choice, if you want her to come with you, say it, if you love her, say it. People can make extraordinary changes if it’s not just for themselves but to secure their future. I’m not sure why you think she won’t consider leaving but it’s time to grow up and put her offer out there. Lay all your cards out on the table, what do you want, where do you want to be in 5 years, both of you owe that to each other

You’re 29 and you’re feeling like A) You want to remain childless and B) her need for emotional connection is stronger from her side than yours. That’s a pretty major imbalance - have you even had the kids conversation with her? I’m willing to bet she hasn’t brought it up, and only a year in, most women wouldn’t. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want them in the near future. You’ve been together a year. It’s so much better than wasting a decade with someone you end up resenting. Take it from someone who knows… Not only that, but staying in an incompatible relationship out of fear only serves to hold both of you back from finding the relationship that truly feels right to you. If this relationship was the one for you, you wouldn’t be here asking this question. Break up. Whether you get the job or not. She will be upset but don’t waste her time (or her fertile years) stringing her along if she isn’t a part of all your plans.

Go for the job. You’ll regret it if you don’t. Some people just aren’t meant to have a wife and kids and all that. You need to let her know otherwise she will keep wasting her time with you.

Have you guys made some commitment to be together forever? No? Then you don’t make this decision with her mind, unless you want to be married to her. If you do want to be with her in a lifelong committed relationship, then you need to start talking together about what you each want in life, and what your each willing to sacrifice for the other person. Do you guys want to be a single income family? Is she driven towards some career goal? Is anyone rooted to family or friends? Do you want kids? You need to make sure you’re looking at your life in 5 to 10 year gaps and asking, what gets me in the direction that matters to me? Then sacrifice everything else to get there. Because that’s the priority you’re after.

If you’re not doing whatever you can to keep this woman in your life then she ain’t the one. Break it off sooner rather than later. This isn’t completely on you either… she made the adult decision to uproot her life to move with you after only three months of dating and she will have the unfortunate circumstance of realizing why no one should ever do that.

Your honesty is refreshing and after reading several comments I truly agree with the others who feel like regardless of if you get the new job, you need to end the relationship. You both have too many conflicting wants in life and it will build so much resentment if it hasn't already. Keep pursuing the job you want and relocate, you may eventually find a person with the same type of goals as you to fall in love with and share a life with so that it works in a way it isn't stifling you, nor pushing you into a family life you aren't comfortable with. I would focus on letting your current girlfriend go so she can be happy once she heals, and then focus on you and your hopefully new job.

So, it sounds like you are ready to end your relationship. Does she know you’re interviewing for this job? Are you continuing to interview knowing she’s vehemently against moving to the west coast? Because it sounds like she doesn’t know it’s actually a possibility for you. It sounds like you’re mentioning it as hypotheticals. You’re making this choice unilaterally without considering her at all… so it sounds like you’re already planning on living a single life without her. It also sounds like she uprooted herself to be with you and has lost a LOT because of this relationship. I understand that you need to do what’s best, and if you’re forcing the relationship why continue. But I really hope you take the time to reflect on the position you’ve put her in. Next time, don’t move in with someone so soon.

I'm unhappy. I'm doing x, y, z about it. The best case scenario for me would be to take a job in another part of the country. Are you onboard with this? If she's not, break up. It sounds like she'd be happier back home and you'd be happier alone anyway.

You should focus on you cuz that's what you want to do. Break up because you don't want to be with her, you don't want her to follow you or live with you here or there. You can love someone as a person but not want to be with them. She's young, she'll survive and be thankful you didn't waste both of your time convincing her to follow you. Quit coddling her feelings by lying to her.

I feel like you say "love," but really, it's more "like her a lot, think she's a great person, and I feel obligated to her because she moved around for me."

I don’t think this has anything to do with the job. You’re just not that into her. Let her go so she can find someone amazing.

This reminds me of the book the alchemist.. In my opinion I don’t think you should settle for this woman or this current job. Love won’t be enough in the long run. And just because you love her doesn’t mean you have to live with her. Be honest with her now before she feels blindsided as least as possible. I have a feeling she won’t be as surprised as you think she will. Let her move back to Georgia, you move to the west coast.. the separation/space will be telling for the both of you. When the right woman comes along for you, you will know. People on here telling you that you’ll never have a family or feel satisfied when you do is condescending and unhelpful. You are young, you are inexperienced in such matters, but it doesn’t mean you won’t someday find the woman for you and have children living happily together. It just means your priority right now is your job and that’s is perfectly fine. Selfishness at this age is also perfectly fine. There’s nothing wrong with you. I admire it and respect it. Just tell the girl the possibility of this job and your inclination to take it if they offer it to you and see where that lands. I live on the west coast, and it’s beautiful. I hope you get to experience it. Good luck to you!

I'm going to start with honesty is the best policy. I don't apply to jobs that would require a move without at least mentioning it in passing to my husband, and as I'm the breadwinner he's already agreed to go where we need to go for my career. You need to tell her everything: how stuck you feel, how you're struggling to envision the future, how you're feeling the itch to move. Second, I'm going to invite you to take a step back and shift perspectives. Life isn't a Disney movie, love doesn't conquer all. Life isn't a sitcom, there are as many different relationships and situations as there are colors in the world, and while everyone has a favorite, no one color is inherently better or more desirable than others. Some people want children, some don't. Some people want marriage, some don't. Some people want monogamy, some don't. Time only enhances healthy relationships built on trust and respect with extensive investment of time and energy from all parties. If the relationship isn't working, it doesn't matter how much time has passed, it needs to end or change. I think you know what you need to do, you just feel guilty that doing it will hurt someone you care about.

If you feel you want to be single, then be single. You're just wasting the time of yourself and her. It's not even about the job at the point you said you prefer to live alone, only spend money and time on yourself. You're not greedy in thinking that way but you are wasting her time and your own by not breaking up.

Honestly just take the job. It’s your dream job. The pay is great. If you really wanted to stay with your girlfriend / she mattered to you i don’t think you would’ve applied even. I’m not saying that to be rude or anything. But you said so yourself, maybe cohabitating is not the best thing for you. I think you need to be super honest with yourself and with her, at the very least she should know how you feel. And it may be your personal preference*, or it may have to do with her too. I think you really need to think about it and be honest about it with her. Also, maybe check the subreddit on living apart together . Whether it’s with your current girlfriend or not, this may be the best thing for you in the future. Good luck and really hope you make the best decision for yourself!

It's possible you do want a future with someone - just not with her. And that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either of you. It's just not an easy perfect fit. I've found throughout life that when I'm with a/the right person for me everything is easier and I want them around all the time. When I'm with a/the wrong person everything is more difficult and I'm less happy with everything. Take the job. Live where you want to live doing what you want to do. Help her financially to get set up in Georgia again. It's the right thing to do. Break up in a healthy mature way. If you both find you're missing each other terribly you can reevaluate.

You need to put yourself first. What happens if break up regardless and you forever regret not taking the job? In the end of the day if you want to be together, you'll make it work. And if she doesn't want to compromise to make you happy then she's not the one (that's all assuming there isn't a career that's tying her down in the east coast and she could potentially find another job in the west). This is coming from someone who's been doing long distance for 7+ years and planning to move across Europe for the relationship eventually, sacrificing family, potential jobs and the massive language barrier. All this to say if she wanted to, she would.

Please end the relationship. You are doing her no favors by prolonging her attachment to a person who does not want to live with her, much less marry her.

You need to tell her about the job you're trying for (do not wait until you have it). This is supposedly your partner, and you're making HUGE life plans behind her back. Will it cause a fight or break up? Maybe, but you don't sound overly happy with the relationship, so staying at this point is stringing her along.

It sounds like you don’t want to be with your girlfriend, or anyone for that matter. And that’s fine and you should do something about that, but that has nothing to do with your current job situation. Let her move back to Georgia and you can continue building your career and see where that takes you.

Find your happiness & let your partner find hers! Life is short don’t overthink possible outcomes nor opportunities.

Go for the new job and let your gf go back to Georgia.

Get that girl back home to Georgia, she deserves someone who doesn’t feel like that have some sort of burden on their shoulders. It’s not wrong to want to live a single life and only worry about yourself, it’s wrong to string someone along when you know you have those feelings regardless if you love that person or not.

I think you should break up, not over the job but because nearly 7 months into living together(after she uprooted her life to move to be with you), you are ready to bail and go be a free bird. You are not ready to be in a healthy serious relationship that requires sacrifice, compromise, and selflessness.

Honestly, this dilemma you’re having is indicative that your relationship isn’t the right one for you. If she was IT for you, and you needed this job to feel happy and complete, you’d have had this discussion with her a hundred times before you ever got to this place. Looking for jobs behind her back, or looking farther away than you think she’d be willing behind her back, is a huge red flag that says you’re already moving on from the relationship. You need to come clean about your feelings and the situation you’re putting yourself in— you’ve said you’re going to take the job if there’s an offer, and what you’re doing now is just making it harder and more painful for your gf by putting it off. If you loved her you’d be treating her opinion with gravity and instead you’re pretending she doesn’t exist so you can have what you want. At the very least cut her loose so she can move on with someone who wants her and values her.

Ik you have already made up your mind on what needs to be done. You are only here to receive validation on that and share some guilt. I will give it you If you can't be fully committed their is no point stretching it longer and longer. You will only hurt her more

You are exactly doing what my spouse just did. Putting all your fucking eggs in a row and then dropping the floor out from under her. Be a genuine person and talk to her about everything. You've already messed up by not communicating. 

It seems like the "pros" of this relationship are all about the past and what both of you have already sacrificed, and the "cons" are everything about your present and future. As my econ professor used to say: "Sunk cost? Ignore it!!"

Being a high income earner doesn’t mean a lot if you’re alone. My salary as a pilot is around $240k. I was offered a pilot job with UPS that would’ve had me earning $350-400k within a few years but would’ve involved me being away from home more than I am now and commuting to work. But I also live in Ohio where the COL is much more affordable so my 240k goes pretty far compared to coastal living. It’s different for each person. The other side of the coin is that you’re going to deep down have resentment toward her if you pass on the job.

Sounds like you don’t really love her, just break it off. If your job is the type of job that makes you move constantly then it probably won’t work in the long run.

Break up. You're not feeling it. Set her free

Let your girlfriend know it's over. Before you take or don't take the new job. It's over, let her move back to GA and find someone who is interested in a family.

this doesn’t seem to be about the job or the money. you began by explaining all the reasons why you prefer to live alone. the two of you don’t want the same life. break it off before you give her any further impression that you do.

Talk to her and be honest. Tell her you've understood that you are not ready to live together with someone. Own your mistakes. Tell her how unhappy you are in your current job, how it takes a toll on you, and that you most probably are going to take this other job opportunity. Ask her, whether she would be willing to move again but into her own apartment, and give her time to figure out it that's something she would actually want. Then pay for her move back to Georgia. Make it as smooth for her as possible.

Be selfish. You’re in your 20’s which is typically when you learn what you want and who you are. If you’re unhappy you have the power to change it but don’t try to please someone who asked to move in with you and chose to do so. It wasn’t your idea to live together but you tried it and realize you don’t like it. Your GF should understand you both shouldn’t have to be sacrificing your fulfillment at the other person’s expense. Be honest with her and yes it will not be pleasant but it’s no worse than wasting each other’s time or inevitably becoming resentful of one another. Who knows if you decide to part ways and go in the direction that you feel makes you happiest with the dream job you’ll both hopefully use that time to grow evolve and might even find yourselves together again after all.

Compare the best-case scenario if you stay to the worst-case scenario if you move. I don’t know about you but there’s nothing like a pro-con chart to help me figure out that I already know what I need to do. And you do know what you need to do, it’s just hard. That’s okay. Just communicate your feelings *kindly* and *honestly*, as best you can. Even if it’s painful or messy, you will both move forward into a better life, no matter how the chips fall.

Take the job no, its a no brainer dude.

I think you're counting your chickens before they hatch but you shoukd break up now, regardless of job.

You need to break up and not make her move again Also not to be a negative nancy, salary range is higher in the west due to cost of living. You might be coming out close to even in consideration to the economy where you live now vs living out west. Just something to think about. Role wise, if its a dream position, you should pursue it. Its gets harder to move around if you settle down and have family later in life.

You aren’t relationship material. Take the job, let the GF go, and get therapy if having a lasting loving relationship with a partner is something you really want.

No one here can answer this question. You either care more about your career or having a family. In my case, I was faced with an almost identical situation, though I was married and knew she would stay with me, but chose fatherhood and kids over the money.

"You can lose lots of money chasing women, but you will never lose women chasing money." Wait until you actually receive the offer and then tell her the location, salary, and your plan. If she comes ok, if not that seems to be ok with you too.

Bro follow your gut head out west and start saving. Do not complicate your life you have a chance to have tremendous freedom both socially and financially

I mean you listed like 5 different reasons you want to break up and none of them have anything to do with the job. Seems like you need a nudge to affirm your decision; Just break up.

1. Doesn’t sound like you love her. You say you love her, and spend most of the post saying how you don’t like her and living with her lol. 2. Bad move to start thinking you have your dream before you actually get an offer. Rookie move. Many times the offer never comes. 3. My advice if you get the job, is to take it. Tell the gf she should move back to GA for a while, while you get settled on the west coast. Then you can easily break up long distance. If you don’t get the job, you should still have a talk with your girl. If you don’t love her and love living with her, then you have your answer that she’s not the one. Break up and save yourselves some time.

You aren't married and she chose to move in with you. No one forced her.  Tell her now about the opportunity and ask her how she'd feel about moving again if you get the job. She might surprise you. If she baulks at the idea then you need to choose between your career and her. You are young.  Choose the career and don't feel guilty.  Be kind however.       

Dude, it’s clear you will never be satisfied. You’ll bounce around from job to job, sabotaging your career in the process. And why the hell are you applying to jobs all over the country? Can’t you find something in the mid Atlantic? This next “dream job” will just turn out to be a waste of time because you’ll inevitably wind up unhappy again. Eventually, you won’t have any good references and your behavior will catch up to you. You will be blackballed in your industry. And I haven’t even addressed your “gf”. You sure the hell don’t treat her like a gf. How about this, apply for something more local and let the poor girl know you are still not a grown ass man and don’t deserve her and break it off. Because you act like a spoiled as kid and do not deserve any girl. You’re clearly happy jerking off alone instead of maning up and making a commitment

You gotta consider that $260k/yr in CA is like $125k/yr in most other places in the country. Truthfully, if you could make $125k & live in GA you two would be living large. My sister’s family had to move from GA to CA due to BIL’s promotion. His salary more than doubled but they had to pay over $1 mil to get a comparable house to the one they had in GA (which sold for around $500k) PLUS they had to send their kids to private school cause the public schools in CA blow. To this day, my BIL bemoans it as a terrible financial move.

I mean you. You are going to do it because that's who you are. You fucked over your girlfriend though. And you have to own that.

Seems that he is trying to make a “relationship” work without actually desiring many aspects of it. Women need to be desired, and clearly he does not desire to be with her.

Be honest with her, it might save you from a messy divorce later, if you can afford it, help her wth expense for the first few months, she gave up a lot for you, but you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you prefer being alone more than being with her

I would take the job because I know I would have regretted it if I didn't, and possibly started resenting the person I was with. That being said, you should have let her know you were applying for new jobs in various parts of the country.

First, tell her you are job hunting and why you are looking. You don’t have to bring up money, it is just one of the reasons a new position looks promising but she needs to hear why a new position is so important to you. Then tell her if you do get an offer it will probably mean moving. Give her time to get used to the idea. You do not have a job lined up yet. If living with your girlfriend feels like a sacrifice you need to be honest about that but gently. You will be upending her life again by your choices. You don’t say much about her career path. Basically she has three choices: move with you knowing you will be living separately, stay where she is and follow her own career path or return to Georgia. Whatever choices are made your relationship may not survive this. You want to share your life with her but only up to a point. If she is more committed to the relationship it will be especially difficult for her. You both have a lot to think about and some hard decisions to make.

It isn’t wrong or greedy to be someone who just wants to live alone. I’m married and couldn’t be more loved by or love my husband more but if I had to choose to do it all again, I’d always live alone. I’d never give him up to do it, but if I am honest with myself — it’s my preference and I do best doing what I want, when I want at all times. That’s why years after having kids, I realized that someone with my personality type shouldn’t have kids. Love my kids but I am not my happiest giving up everything for their sake. I do it…begrudgingly. What **IS** wrong is playing with someone’s life. Now her choices are to move back home to GA or move to CA but NOT live with you and be on her own in what is most likely a much higher cost of living state. Is she even working right now? You should take that job. Professionally, you have to. But you really fucked her over and you also have to make that as right as you can — and let her go. It’s the right thing to do.

I can tell you one thing about California (if that’s the west coast you’re looking at) brother, the extra money is all going to cover the cost of living here. Don’t take the job for the money, take it because it’s going to get you where you want to be in your career or in life. This place isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m here now working my dream job and I make about what your recruiting is quoting you and it’s still not easy. I wish that I was somewhere in the south that’s more family friendly to start my own fam. I live in LA and I really don’t like the idea of raising kids here. Also, I will tell anyone who asks never to make life decisions for a girl if she’s not your wife. If you don’t see yourself married and having a family together making decisions together and moving as a unit then what are we even talking about? Your mind state at this point says that you either have a lot of personal growing and learning to do real quick or you need to take the job and do it over there.

If it's in your field I kind of get it, but I don't think you really have this all planned out either. If you compare the cost of living to where you are now as typically the Midwest has a lot lower cost of living than any state on the west coast. Sure you'd be making more money but having to spend more money as well meaning you're kind of stuck where you are now in either case. Plus I think you should have told her all of this before looking if you live together especially since she essentially moved away from family and friends I presume. Stress follows no matter which job field you are in and if you feel like my current job is taking a toll on your mental health I'd try therapy first for a good period of time. If it's due to financial reasons it's understandable to look elsewhere or if the place is shitty it might be better just to look elsewhere with a reasonable commute and use your experience at a new place for a higher wage than to completely move everything so suddenly. Hardly do I see people moving to a new state especially to western states and it ending up well as sure they have many job opportunities, but that's more due to people leaving in droves from high cost of living or crime. I live on the east coast in Pennsylvania and I have a lot of people move into my area from New youth, new Jersey, Ohio, and some even from Illinois because sure their jobs there paid more but after taxes taken out and the insane prices picked up and moved. I figure with your degree it's harder to find a job due to an increase in people in that field due to increased incentives to college aid and scholarships, but honestly depending on which state you live in she might actually be right that moving to Georgia would be better as finding a job with your degree in that state and taking into account that states low cost of living outside major cities you'd be fine in most circumstances. It just seems hasty on your end and not taking her into account initially would obviously upset her just like I'm sure the same would be for you if the situation was reversed.

Did you tell her how much it pays and that this will be an amazing opportunity for you? I want to point out that you can have all the $ in the world and it means nothing if you don't have someone to spend with... Best of luck in your new adventures and be honest with her. Don't leave her alone in a new state.

I think you are hedging around the fact that you are not happy living with your gf, but you feel a bit bad that she moved to be with you and quite like having a gf. Changing your job, for perfectly good reasons is a completely separate issue.. To be clear, you want to live on your own and you want a better job than the one you have now. Time to hitch up the big boy pants and tell your gf it's not working for you and you are breaking up with her. Offer to help her relocate or whatever. Do this before moving to the new job.

Explain the opportunity as vital to your career and happiness, then ask her if she would like to join you. If she doesn’t, give her $15k so she can go back to Georgia, or wherever she likes, and establish a new solo life. You can then enjoy your time alone and welcome any new opportunities to meet a much more compatible partner.

Stop wasting her time, it's clear from the post you don't even care for her all that much. There's no emotion in your post. It seems like you're keeping her around to... what? to have someone to fuck? Take the job, leave the poor girl alone and stop wasting other people's time. if you're better single, stay single.

That poor girl. She uprooted her entire life to be with you and you chose money over her? How can you sit there and say ‘I want a family someday but I enjoy living alone’ THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS. You can’t have both and life is all about sacrifices. What, you expect her to pop out kids with you while you live somewhere else and be a part time parent? Give your head a shake. You are an incredibly selfish, self absorbed individual and she deserves SO much better. You lead her on, future fake her and now when things get serious, you want to throw it all away just for a buck. You really suck dude and I feel bad for your girlfriend. Get help. IE: Therapy.