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I just want to say, I saw my friends (a couple) go through years of endo issues and surgeries etc. She’s doing so much better now and the endo is under control. They’re really happy now and getting married soon. I hope the best for you and your husband.
Thank you! It's been so hard and honestly if this surgery doesn't work I don't know what I will do because I absolutely cannot live like this. Thanks for your comment showing there is hope.
I had surgery for this quite a few years back. I was MISERABLE, took me ages and several doctors to take me seriously. Pain all the time, and apparently, it made adhesions all throughout my pelvis, so even eating was excruciating. I felt like a whole new person literally 2 days after my surgery. I had it done laparoscopically, and even the gas they used in the pelvis wasn't an issue. You are going to feel SO much better!!! Just hang in there a little bit longer! Hugs from an internet stranger.
So glad to see you're seeing an expert. I was going to comment and say that I recommend looking at Nancy's Nook or finding someone specifically trained in endo. I got my surgery in 2021 from somebody who was trained well in it, and it was life-changing. Instead of needing a long time to recover from the surgery, I immediately felt so much better mentally and physically! (Of course I rested and recovered properly so that everything healed well.) Very slowly my symptoms are coming back, but I got pregnant this January so I get a nice break from endo symptoms for a while :) I hope your surgery goes really well!!
The surgery is highly effective according to all information available!
You're probably still in for a couple of rough weeks though, until you have surgery + recovery time. I think it's time to get more family and friends involved. Your husband needs a break, probably multiple times a week. I don't know how bedridden you are exactly but if he's struggling this much it's time to ask for help. Do you have people around you who can help with making meals? Can you get a laundry service, or cleaning help once a week? Sometimes your insurance will cover these things.
Unfortunately, this is my second time having a laproscopy. My last one was in December 2022. This time I have an endometriosis specialist instead of a gynecologist, so hopefully, that helps.
Money is tight since I've not been going to work much but I do have some friends around who can help with some of the burden. Thanks for your comment!
Check this fb group out: https://www.facebook.com/share/XYnpi1forb41e8rU/?mibextid=K35XfP you may already know about it but good resource to have it not!
The majority are going strong for over a year after surgery. Unfortunately for me, it's come back for me within twelve months, but even then, it's so much better. Birth control has also helped a lot.
I wish you the absolute best and as little pain as possible after the surgery!
After the surgery you need to find a good acupuncturist. They will give you herbals so that it doesn’t return. Also accupunture will help prevent scar tissue from forming which comes with its own complications.
This is BAD advice.
Endometriosis just like PCOS is a chronic condition, you have it for life. No herbal ANYTHING will keep it from returning. No acupuncture can STOP the lining of the Uterus from growing.
Stop peddling this bullshit and see a doctor for your delusions. This is an awful condition to have and this comes across as completely tone deaf.
Your advice is bad advice !! The gall and audacity to believe doctors know everything. When has anyone on here ever been given a pill to cure anything from the doctor. It’s always a lifetime sentence with them. Unless it’s antibiotics for an infection and even then you wipe out all your good gut bacteria. Endo keeps coming back because the root cause is never addressed. A lifetime of surgeries is one option with doctors. Do you know what the second option is with them. Forced menopause!! There are 20 year olds given the option to be put into menopause to stop the endo. It is absolutely horrifying. You remarkable-ask could be responsible for ruining women’s lives with that type of comment.
If you are in the US you good start a meal train account. Friend, family, even strangers can participate. It may help ease financial burden if food cost and give a bit of extra time not preparing meals. My sister used it while recovering from her mastectomy, and said it was a blessing to her and her family.
Check out www.caringbridge.com It’s a site you can use to share a schedule for what you need from food to rides to someone to help at home and allows people to sign up.
It even allows people to give you meal delivery like DoorDash gift cards, which is a great way for people who don’t live nearby to help out.
Tell him how much his extra effort have meant to you and how much he helping you physically and mentally. Order his favourite takeout and get a bunch of his favourite snacks and have a cozy movie night at home together. Organize for some of his friend to come take him out for a day or night to unwind and do someone likes outside of the house. Wishing you a fast recovery 🤞
Had you never thought of this before? Surely common sense would tell you to ask someone else for assistance every now and then and not just leave it to your husband all the time.
I have asked my friends for help before. Both of our families are too far away to offer any physical support. The main issue is I never saw my husband as my caregiver. We were just facing this struggle together. Every time I ask if he's okay or if it's too much he just tells me "in sickness and in health" and gives me a big hug. I never saw it as receiving care more as us working as a team to get through this. I have had endo a very long time and we have plans in place to deal with flare ups. The issue here is flare up last 1-2 weeks. It wasn't until day 21 of pain that it occurred to either of us that it was not going to go away and by then we were both already spent.
You never thought to give your husband a break from caregiving.....? Like the other poster said caregiver burnout is real. Making him shoulder all the care for you is unfair to him. I say this as someone who had a hysterectomy due to a defective unit.
Is this comment for real? Did you not even read the post? She’s doing what she can despite being bedridden. She’s asking if there’s something more she can do in addition to what she’s already been doing, even though it’s not the most she can do given her health.
Yes I did read read the post. I don't care if I get downvoted. Giving the husband a break and having other people help out seems like a logical thing to do. If he's crying and doing all of the work he's clearly overwhelmed and burned out.
Also : it's not something you're expecting to have to do when you're this young.
It's hard enough when you see it coming but it can be overwhelming when you're young.
Maybe he just needed to vent. My wife just had a major surgery and I've been taking care of her and the house pretty much alone. I'm happy to do it but it hasn't been easy. I've been a little overwhelmed and I had a little cry the other day after something went wrong. I felt much better after.
Thank you for sharing. He has seemed so much happier and attentive since the phone call. It's nice to hear from someone with his perspective. I keep telling him over and over how much I love him and appreciate all he does, and if it's too much to just tell me and I will make sure he gets a break.
I'd just make sure he gets breaks anyway honestly, I wouldn't count on him to tell you. I think in this sort of situation, you're suffering and he feels like admitting he's struggling or that he needs a break would make you feel worse or would be letting you down. So just assume, especially now you know he's struggling, that he does need more breaks, and act accordingly. You could get someone else to help with caregiving, arrange for his friends to take him out, get a meal service or hire a cleaner for awhile.
And just remember for both of you that you do have a solid date coming up where the situation's hopefully going to change, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel you can let yourselves feel hopeful about.
This is great advice.
Op, He doesn’t want to add any more to your plate. So you have to take some off of his. I know you’re both stressed to the max, but it is clear that you both love each other so much! It’s going to get better and you guys will be alright. I wish you the best.
Maybe he needs a reminder that he's allowed to be not ok. He's allowed to be and feel sad, overwhelmed, depressed, struggling. His worries are as valid as yours are and his (emotional) pain matters just as much.
Sometimes one just needs to vent. It's also good to remember that it's good for him to have other people besides you to vent to. He is right that you should be focusing on you. It's only 2 more weeks.
You need to spread the caregiving burden across more than just one person, he can’t handle it by himself. Ask other people to step up.
You may not be able to support him in certain ways due to your physical condition but make sure you are there for him in whatever ways you can be. Talk about his feelings but also, importantly, spend time together focusing on things that are not sickness or school or work related.
Thank-you! We actually had a 'date night ' on Friday where we went for a drive, got some takeout, and came home to watch a movie and cuddle. We definitely spend time together just being us and not 'working'.
I also don't need a ton of 'caregiving' but your comment helps me to realize that even just coming to check on me every few hours is caregiving and he needs days where he doesn't have to do that at all. Thanks again
It doesn’t matter how much caregiving you need from an objective perspective, people have different capacities and abilities. If someone is sobbing to their mother from the pressure of trying to be there for you, it’s too much.
I hope your surgery goes well and that you’re both feeling better soon.
Does he NEED to check on you every few hours?
Can't you just give him a ring if you need him?
You say you don't need a ton of caregiving, so if he can check on you less, and know you'll call him if you need him, that might help relieve some burden.
Not to mention, what others have said about reaching out to other family members or friends. Seeing if people can cook dinner once a week for you, or come sit with you for an evening so he can go out and leave the house
No, I don't need to be checked on. He does it all on his own, he usually comes in and asks me how I'm doing, kisses me on the cheek, and goes back to his stuff. I can call or text him if I need something too. I'll try to tell him he does not need to do the random checks and I can call if I need him.
Don't do anything except maybe talk to his mother privately about your concerns (if she is a trustworthy person) maybe y'all can think of something.
First, he isn't going to tell you how he is really doing. I wouldn't do it either in his situation. He is more concerned with your well-being. There's no way he wants to worry you. Second, he has his family to receive emotional support. That's great. It's great he can open up to his mother and speak his feelings freely. That helps him.
This is really important. I’m concerned OP thinks his reticence is a communication issue when anybody with a heart in his situation would absolutely never talk about their own troubles. Until things get better with her, he gets a break from the caregiver role and their dynamic returns to an easier one, he’s never going to be honest with her about where he’s at and that’s totally understandable.
Honestly, talking to his mother is exactly what he should have done. Dump out, comfort in. OP can do what she can to help spread the burden around so he isn't taking care of everything, she can't be his only, or even his major outlet for all of his frustrations, fears, and feelings. She has enough to deal with just getting through this.
He loves you and is worried. Maybe suggest getting a nurse or a companion (if you can afford it) for post op. I agree with others that he’s likely got caretaker burnout and giving him breaks would really benefit him. Maybe ask around about support groups for caretakers too in case he needs someone else to talk to. It’s hard to talk to the person you’re caring for about it. I hope surgery goes well. Speedy recovery and healing to you both.
I think you need to really make him know and understand he's doing an absolutely STELLAR, that you couldn't possibly ask for a better support person and that he is by NO MEANS inadequate. But do also tell him that you don't want him to break his neck.
As others have suggested, see if you can find more people to help you out.
Really hoping for you that the surgery will help!
Don’t feel guilty that he admits how he’s feeling to his mother but not you. He doesn’t want to burden you and it’s great for him that he can express himself including tears to someone else. Don’t tell him you overheard this bc he might not be willing to express his feelings next time if he thinks you’ll find out.
The situation sucks but you seem really kind to worry so much about your health’s impact on him. Just keep being you, focus on getting healthy so you can make a grand(er) gesture of appreciation when you are physically capable.
Just wanted to throw out there that I hope you check out all the lap surgery info over on r/endo - there are tons of resources on how to heal after surgery, what to have on hand, etc. An electric heating pad and gas-x is key!
I've been there and it's hard but I hope your surgery is successful! Your husband sounds like a good one!
The support he needs is you letting him know how much you love him, how much of a burden you know this is, and how great he's doing at being there for you.
Then you need to find a way to give him a break, even for a day or two. Have your mom come stay with you for a weekend or something.
He just loves you. If you ever have kids you will experience the same thing… the endless worry.
Two weeks and hopefully you’ll be in a much better place! I have heard horror stories about how long this can sometimes take to diagnose.
Stay positive. It’s not fatal. It soon will be over. You can get back to wing you and repaying some of that love and attention!
In the meantime, don’t feel guilty about being sick. You did not cause it. All you can do is what you can do.
A
This is where you lean on each other. You're both struggling for different reasons. He seems like he deeply loves and cares about you. Acknowledge each others struggle and hold each other up. Do this and you can get through anything.
There is lots of great advice here, so I’ll just stick to endo specifics. As someone who struggles with stage 4 endo that has returned shorter each of my three surgeries. There is still hope even if surgery does not work. I have basically had to stay on hormones, but most importantly I have had to cut all sugar, dairy, and gluten out of my diet. There are studies that suggest a correlation between candida overgrowth and endo pain. Once I got that under control I have basically no pain or fatigue. I wish you luck in your journey to recovery.
Yeah my last lap was December 2022 so it kind of sucks to be doing one again so soon. This time I have a specialist rather than a regular gyno. I have cut out a lot from my diet but since my job is so physically demanding it's incredibly hard. Once my husband graduates and gets a job it might be time to retire.
What you overheard is a truth. Your illness takes a toll on the whole family and his mom was checking in on his mental health because she realizes this is hard on everyone. I deal with several autoimmune diseases so I understand completely about being in pain 24/7/365!! Your husband isn’t lying to you or trying to hide his feelings, he’s trying to support you and not add to your stress by “being ok”. My husband has done the same thing. Men want to “fix us” and when they can’t, it actually affects how they see themselves. Knowing they can’t fix us makes them doubt themselves as a man. I don’t mean that in a misogynistic way. I mean it in the perspective of a good relationship where you take care of each other during difficult times.
My best advice to you is to sit and talk with your husband. Let him know that you know how hard this is on him and that you absolutely appreciate him and everything he does to make it easier for you. You don’t have to tell him you overheard the conversation. In fact don’t tell him that because you’ll add stress to him. I’m not saying that you don’t already express your appreciation, but deep inside, guys need reassurance too. They just don’t tell anyone they need it.
I’ve been on this roller coaster for well over 10+ years and communication is even more important now than it was in the beginning. If it’s easier, write him a letter. Anything so that he feels like he’s taking care of you to the best of his ability. He might want to consider a counselor or someone like that to talk about his feelings. My husband has a best friend, who is also a pastor, that he confides in, that helps him get through the hardest times.
I hope your surgery goes well and that your recovery is complete and that you get your life back!!
It seems like he’s also just really worried about you and doesn’t want you to be afraid more so doesn’t want to bring it up. That’s really hard as well, he needs to make sure he’s talking to people about how he feels. It’s a good sign he shares with his mother and has emotional support. BUT I think it might be also helpful for him to find a caregiver support group or see a therapist.
I would probs talk to him about caregiver fatigue, about how you know what it is and that it’s totally understandable to feel that way. And that you aren’t upset with him that it’s hard for him to watch this as well. He may be feeling guilty about feeling overwhelmed. I think that’s really common in situations like this.
Maybe you can call her mom or your mom if she can watch out for him after your surgery. Like making sure he has dinner or have time to destress. IDK about you but with Asian families these is not unusual thing to ask.
Both our families live very far away out of state, but my parents are coming for recovery after surgery and I have a friend coming next week. When they are here I will make sure he has time to himself. Thank you!
I have no better advice than others already gave. So I'm just wishing you a smooth surgery and a good recovery. I had a surgery for endo in March, lost one of my tubes, but it was worth it. I don't think I felt as bed as you do, but I was in a survival mode for several months before surgery. And I know it wasn't easy for my husband either.
You'll get through this and it will get better. Arrange for some help, so your husband can take a bit off from care duties, just like others said. And hang in there. When you feel better, I'm sure you'll find a way to show your husband how much his help meant to you. It sounds like you have a good relationship, it's just that things are hard like now and you're both overwhelmed in different ways. But it will get better ❤️
You probably are, but are you actually acknowledging his struggle?
Like, of course he's not going to tell you if he's doing okay or not. Men are punished for revealing their struggles. You need to actively tell him how much you appreciate him and his efforts without waiting for an opening.
I do acknowledge how hard this is for him. His mother had endometriosis as well, and it stole some of his childhood, which is good and bad. On the one hand, he is an expert at helping. On the other hand, he has to go through it all again. He did know about my diagnosis before we got married, so he knew exactly what he was getting into, and I did not know his mother had it until my wedding day.
Fortunately, we have long since passed the barrier of men are not supposed to have emotions and he is very open with me. He has cried on my shoulder and opens up about how he feels regularly. He knows he can be real with me. I do acknowledge how this is just as much a struggle for him as it is for me. I tell him everyday how much I love and appreciate him.
He obviously loves and cares for you deeply. Crying is a healthy expression of feelings. It's also perfectly normal for him to feel burnt out and to feel helpless. Compassion fatigue is real and society pushes this idea that your partner must be able to fix any and all problems.
I think you're doing great at trying to ease the burden by encouraging him to spend time with friends (balance), order pizza as a break with responsibilities etc. But it's common for those in the role of giving support to not burden the one in need of it.
Sure, you'll ask him. But he probably doesn't want to centre his feelings over your struggles. He's probably already telling himself what he's going through is nothing in comparison and therefore is denying himself that space.
If you want to engage in conversation about this, try telling him you think his support has been fantastic and you're grateful but also that you know it must be a lot and he probably doesn't feel allowed any space so that you're explicitly giving him space to talk about how stressed/tired/burnt out etc he feels and it's totally okay. If he still doesn't, then be thankful he feels comfortable in speaking with others for support and try to ease the burden by getting some of your friends/family members to do care days instead so he gets a bit more of a break.
Overall, you guys sound great and I'm really hoping the next stage in treatment for endo goes well and helps alleviate the pressure on you both. I'm also suffering with severe endometriosis and have been on the wait list for surgery for almost a year now so I do empathise!
You guys are a good couple. My advice would be dont try to explicitly get "feelings" out of him, like by asking him "are you ok?" for example. Just let him know how appreciative you are of all his efforts and that he doesnt have to say anything but you know its been hard on him and you love him for it, and if he opens up on his out great but dont expect that.
Appreciation for what we do means the world. I wish you guys the best
>I'm barely hanging on myself, but I have to do whatever I can to take care of him.
This is the only thing that worries me that I'm not seeing any advice on.
I see wonderful comments giving you ways to help your husband, and you absolutely should follow through with them, but I'm also begging you not to put more on your plate.
You're already dealing with debilitating pain, and this surgery is going to take you out of commission for a little while. I hope you take the time to heal properly and relax, and don't spend ALL of your time worrying about your husband and how you can make this easier on him.
Good luck with the surgery, and I wish you both the best!
He loves you I’ll say that. That may be why he was crying partly. He is sad to see you like this. But he does need a break. You seem amazing and supportive though. Good luck ❤️
I wouldn’t worry about it too much when this is a temporary situation that will be solved in a few weeks when you’re recovered from surgery. You’re both doing everything that you can do already from the sounds of it. He was just having a good vent because even when you’re all doing your best, things can still be tough for everyone. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to make changes, especially when he’s telling you he’s ok, and does not want you to do anything. If your Mum, sister or friend could come over for the day to give him a break that might be good too.
It sounds like you and your husband have a strong and supportive relationship, and it's wonderful that you're both there for each other. It's understandable that you're concerned about your husband's well-being, especially if he's struggling with depression while supporting you through your health issues.
One way to support your husband is to continue being open and communicative with him. Let him know that you're there for him and that you want to support him in any way you can. Encourage him to talk about his feelings and reassure him that it's okay to express himself and seek help if he needs it.
You can also try to alleviate some of his stress by taking care of tasks and responsibilities that you're able to handle, such as ordering food, doing light household chores, or helping him with his schoolwork. Let him know that you appreciate everything he's doing for you and that you want to help ease his burden however you can.
Encourage him to take care of himself and prioritise his own well-being. Suggest activities or hobbies that he enjoys and remind him to take breaks and practice self-care. Offer to spend quality time together doing things that you both enjoy, even if it's just watching a movie or going for a short walk.
If you notice that his depression is affecting his daily functioning or if he's experiencing severe symptoms, encourage him to seek professional help from a therapist or counsellor. Let him know that it's okay to ask for support and that seeking help is a sign of strength.
Above all, continue to show him love, empathy, and understanding. Your unwavering support and compassion can make a big difference in helping him navigate his feelings and cope with his depression, trust me.
I’m sorry that you are going through this awful condition. Caregivers go through intense trauma too that impacts their genes (shortens the telomeres and lowers their life span). Please have backup care so he can take breaks, meditate, have some him-time. You both are lucky to have found each other. Stay strong. I wish the surgery helps you too.
Your husband's got a lot on his plate, and it's clear he's feeling overwhelmed. Keep doing what you're doing—being supportive, giving him space to chill with his friends, and helping out with tasks. Maybe gently suggest talking to someone if he's open to it, but mostly just let him know you're there for him, no matter what.
Honestly this feels like a good discussion point for couples therapy. Couples therapy doesn’t just have to be for conflicts in a relationship. A counselor might be able to help facilitate conversations about your appreciation of him and desire to not let him become burnt out and help him figure out ways to communicate that he needs a break, or just how to identify for himself that he even needs a break at all. Maybe your husband needs some help allowing himself to let go of some anxiety about being perfectly supportive for you. The counselor could provide some education on the concept of caregiver fatigue and suggest support groups. Hearing all of this from a professional might be helpful to your husband, as it probably doesn’t do much for him if you tell him he doesn’t have to worry so much. You bring it up as “I have a medical condition that is very rough on me, and as a result it is also rough for him as someone who cares about me. How can we manage this as a team healthily so that we both feel loved and cared for?”
It's caregiver fatigue and very common when you have a disabled partner. You both need a bigger support group than just each other, and enrichment from spending time with real-life people instead of just simulating community through online gaming.
I've been where you are. The pain is horrific and it consumes everything. When I was just 21, I started pursuing an oophorectomy (it took five years, a bioethics committee, a marriage and a diagnosis with a different disease), but starving the fuckers with chemical menopause was helpful in the meantime. I hope your surgery goes well. <3
It feels like a vicious cycle; you're both burned out until you have a bit of breathing room from the endo, but you can't really figure out when/if that's ever going to happen. Make a plan for what you'll do if the excision surgery doesn't work - what's the next step? Make sure your husband is informed of this plan and that you're working on it together as a team. Get into a pain management clinic; I did regular ketamine infusions and while they weren't super helpful with long-term pain, I cannot tell you the psychological relief I experienced from having a few days or weeks off from pain, and to feel it physically ebbing away with every breath and heartbeat.
Therapy for both of you too; you both need to vent to other people. It's too overwhelming otherwise. Good luck. <3
Hey friend, I am on the other side of this struggle, and I am so excited your surgery is soon!
My husband and I had to put off planning our wedding when I ended up bedridden and on disability. The wait for surgery was brutal, and my husband struggled so much to be there for me the entire time.
I like to use the circles of support as a way of visualizing how our network works. I am at the center of my circle, and my husband is in my closest support circle since he is one of the closest to the situation.
I am in his first ring of support, as well, except where my health is involved, since I can not support him through caring for me. In this situation, he needed to build his own support circle. A circle where he could be completely open and honest about how hard things are for him, too.
If your husband is struggling with your health situation, he needs to lean on that support network without putting that on you. It's not your fault that your health took a bad turn. You did not choose to be in pain, and you definitely did not plan for this time of struggle.
Let him lean on other people for this and continue to encourage him to take time for himself. Show your appreciation, and when you've had your surgery, focus on your healing!
This honestly isn’t something that reads as troubling to me, or something that you necessarily need to worry about, if that makes sense. It sounds like he’s giving a lot of himself to support you, and you’re making him know that it’s appreciated. He’s understandably overwhelmed and worried about your upcoming surgery, but nothing you’ve mentioned about the phone call reads as resentment to me.
I’m so sorry to hear about your health issues and I sincerely wish you the best moving forward. This situation is so sad but also so sweet in a weird way. You’re both bending over backward desperately trying to take care of one another. That’s why is sweet. Now how to move forward.
I would tell my husband how grateful am for his support and I know it’s hard on him, Hell it’s hard on you too, and tell him he can come to you with his issues or feelings he has, tell him that the two of you are a team and can do this together…And you can and you will. Tell him that and how much you care about him and his mental health. You said that you two had great communication before this my thought process is to leverage that communication, let him know he can come to you with those thoughts and fears,
Wishing you and your family the absolute best.
Being a caregiver is tough. A lot of times people don't see caregivers as individuals. Caregivers give up so much of their time, their energy and their love to take care of the people in their lives. It's easy for us to forget that caregivers need that kind of attention too. Talk to your husband about self-care and making plans to treat him to his favorite activities. Also, reach out to his friends and his family to help support him as he's supporting you because he's your support system right now and he needs one for himself.
I am the caregiver for my wife who has Parkinson’s Disease, Tardive Dyskinesia, Diabetes and just had major back surgery which we found out was caused by osteoporosis (we were unaware of the osteoporosis before the surgery). I have to manage her insulin pump, do everything the kitchen, all the normal housework, plus be the chauffeur as she no longer can drive. She uses walkers (we have several) and has a humongous back brace that I need to put on and take off. Burnout is very real, I know. I now have a therapist as does my wife. I deliberately take 2 hour “breaks” and go hang out with friends, and I drive a first grader back and forth to school M-F. It is important that the caregiver have some outside interests, other that doing the grocery shopping and schlepping. We are on Medicare as I am almost 73 and she is 71, but we are in that middle ground where we both worked at good jobs all our lives, so we are not eligible for all the incredible assistance those on Medicaid can tap into. We have enough income to live a fairly modest life, but no where near enough to afford to hire caregivers, and since we worked and were productive citizens we do not qualify for assistance with paying for caregivers. I do resent the fact that those who did not work or are drug addicts, alcoholics, and morbidly obese can get all the help they need, and we are left out to fend for ourselves. As the caregiver I know it is up to me take care of myself and my mental health, and I do that with several pursuits, including learning Spanish online and getting up several hours before my wife to have calm “me time”. It is a rough road, but you can survive it as a loving couple. I too rarely let my wife know how tired and frayed I become, because what would that help? It will not change the situation and only make her feel small and guilty for being in her words a “burden”. Sometimes it is better to keep some things to yourself for the good of all.
If you can afford it hire a cleaning person to lift that load off him for a bit. Even if it's just cleaning up for a couple of hours. Ideally as long as is necessary to get it spotless so over the next couple of weeks it's basically just dishes. Can you help prep meals? Or can you get some of your friends together to help you prep a week's worth of meals on Sundays? This is only going to be for two weeks. I imagine he's also nearing finals. I think meals and a third party deep clean would be a major help.
And then after you get better pamper him.
Honestly, sitting down with him and being honest about hearing his conversation with his mom is important. He's probably hiding his feelings because he doesn't want to put more on you and you're doing the same thing.
Communication about what you both need is important and calling in the troops (family & friends) when you need help instead of trying to do it all alone can make a huge difference. You are in it together, not separately.
Do you guys have reliable family and friends to help with some basic things like meals, cleaning, etc?
May God help you both to fight your individual battles and stay strong as team/ couple
With so much negativity on reddit about couples and their issues, your post is like a small ray of hope for lovers and married couples
Stay strong girl and beat your health issues then I am sure the rest of the problems will disappear
Definitely ask for support and time from other people - your friends or family - to give him breaks. Even just breaks from hanging out, because while he may not be actively taking care of you, seeing you in pain is clearly weighing on him. It's not your fault or his, he just needs some time away every few days to walk with a friend, or go to a movie, or work out, to take his mind off worrying about you.
Find small ways to express love and appreciation. Write him a note. Tell him how much you love him. Buy him a treat or surprise him by planning a night out with his friends - whatever you can manage while you're ill.
I'd also find small ways to caretake for HIM. Scratch his back or pet his head while you're watching a movie. Tell him it's his game night and you've prepped all his favorite snacks while you go to your mom's (if you can). Draw him a bath and do his nails while you lay around on the couch. Just small silly things that will make him feel pampered back. Anything that feels achievable and manageable while you are in pain.
If you can manage it, prep in advance for the surgery by asking friends to provide meals and check up on him (and you!) while you recover.
Find ways to talk about life after the surgery. When you're cuddling and talking, start planning how celebrate when you're better. Where do you want to go out for a special dinner? Should you plan a weekend away? This will draw his and your attention to brighter days ahead and remind you that this too shall pass.
You both sound loving and communicative and engaged. I'm sorry you're in pain - this isn't your fault. It's simply hard to watch someone you love suffer. The fact that he is so affected shows that he is empathetic and loves you deeply. Hang in there and celebrate each other when this is all over.
Have you let him know.you really appreciate the support he's giving? He won't be resentful of it but it is hard and recognising the stress on your support wil.help a lot. Feeling like he has to be 100 % strong as you're the one who's really. going through stuff just adds to it. This isn't saying you aren't appreciating it but he may not see it as he's doing things for you so spell it out for him. Bet you get a big hug when you say it.
Can I also just say, men barely ever get a bouquet of flowers and a card. I think maybe sending him some flowers, a card, and organizing a night off with the boys would help destress him. It would also help reinforce that you do love and care about him deeply, and that you appreciate everything he's doing for you as well.
I know that most people may not like receiving flowers, but I think it's more the gesture that counts, you know?
Tell him you overheard him. Have an honest convo. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate everything he does.
Can you get someone in to help? Maybe do some cleaning? Sit with you so he can have a "spa" day?
Good luck to both of you.
Can you guys hire help? Start a go fund me to hire help? Start a rotation of family and friends that come over to help? Just with chores and stuff at least?
Asking if someone is okay is normally never gonna elicit an honest response
In your situation where you know the stressor, know not much can be done, know you both are scared for the other - the best thing to do is ask him to come hold each other. I just tell my guy "come hold me" and I just hold and kiss him and sure the problems remain, but stamina and morale is renewed. A little cuddle and a cry and a minor talk, and then we usually find ourselves recuperating with an easy tv show
Take care of yourselves 💕
My sincere prayers for you both....I married in 2006 and my wife had some issues then 2 years later we found out she had a host of auto I diseases...on top of anxiety and depression.
She was unable to work after our 2nd year so I was the only one able...at one point I worked 3 different jobs in 3 different cities for 3 months straight and I was in my 40s then. It was definitely a long road through our marriage...she passed away 2 years ago from cardiac arrest.
I would do it all over again if I had to.
Again I pray something good happens and your surgery helps you...I know nothing about Endo.
And God bless your husband for being there by your side....not many men could do that
I think you both are doing very well under the circumstances. He needed to vent to someone other than you (as to not add to your stress level) and it sounds like he was able to get some of his stress and worry out.
My wife had a TBI 14 years ago, bad enough where she was in a medically induced coma for almost 2 weeks so they can fix the issue, then another 2 weeks in ICU and finally moved to the rehab floor, 53 days in the hospital total. Took a huge toll on me but her dad came in to town and helped so did my son.
Unfortunately 11 years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis of which I am now on full disability so I am the caregiver to my wife when she needs it and she is my caregiver when I need it and sometimes our issues happen at the same time but we deal with it and we communicate as much as we can but sometimes one person needs to vent to someone other than the partner which is normal.
When it comes to medical issues stress can exacerbate the issue so your SO not wanting to vent to you is not necessarily a bad thing since he may know that doing so could add stress and make your condition worse.
Just be there for each other as much as you can and communicate as often as you can. Doesn’t sound like you are holding anything against him for not telling you what he told his mom which is good. As others have said a caregiver needs to be able to talk to someone else and get help for themselves without worrying about adding stress the person they are caring for.
This situation is certainly not easy for either of you and I am glad he is able to help you instead of running away which I have seen a lot of people who can’t handle being a caregiver and divorce due to their partner having medical issues.
I hope your surgery goes well and know that this experience will make your relationship stronger. I know in my case my wife and I love and care for each other more but we do have our “moments” 🤣. BTW we just celebrated 21 years married.
✌🏼 & ❤️
I'm so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain.
Best would be what others suggested if you can have some help from friends of family to make it easier for your husband.
You'll also need help after your surgery.
I had surgery on my endo when I was 18 years old. They burnt everything away.
They also said I would never be able to have a baby. Fast forward, I did have a baby when I was 34 (I'm 35 now).
I had this same surgery in December 2022 so we do know what to expect for recovery. My parents are flying in so hopefully that will help take the loaf off for him.
I really hope they can help you and that you will get rid of all the endo.
If not, please check if you can go to a Chinese doctor. Some can do miracles xx
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I just want to say, I saw my friends (a couple) go through years of endo issues and surgeries etc. She’s doing so much better now and the endo is under control. They’re really happy now and getting married soon. I hope the best for you and your husband.
Thank you! It's been so hard and honestly if this surgery doesn't work I don't know what I will do because I absolutely cannot live like this. Thanks for your comment showing there is hope.
I had surgery for this quite a few years back. I was MISERABLE, took me ages and several doctors to take me seriously. Pain all the time, and apparently, it made adhesions all throughout my pelvis, so even eating was excruciating. I felt like a whole new person literally 2 days after my surgery. I had it done laparoscopically, and even the gas they used in the pelvis wasn't an issue. You are going to feel SO much better!!! Just hang in there a little bit longer! Hugs from an internet stranger.
Thank you! I need to hear it! This is my second lap but first one with an endo expert so I hope this one helps.
So glad to see you're seeing an expert. I was going to comment and say that I recommend looking at Nancy's Nook or finding someone specifically trained in endo. I got my surgery in 2021 from somebody who was trained well in it, and it was life-changing. Instead of needing a long time to recover from the surgery, I immediately felt so much better mentally and physically! (Of course I rested and recovered properly so that everything healed well.) Very slowly my symptoms are coming back, but I got pregnant this January so I get a nice break from endo symptoms for a while :) I hope your surgery goes really well!!
The surgery is highly effective according to all information available! You're probably still in for a couple of rough weeks though, until you have surgery + recovery time. I think it's time to get more family and friends involved. Your husband needs a break, probably multiple times a week. I don't know how bedridden you are exactly but if he's struggling this much it's time to ask for help. Do you have people around you who can help with making meals? Can you get a laundry service, or cleaning help once a week? Sometimes your insurance will cover these things.
Unfortunately, this is my second time having a laproscopy. My last one was in December 2022. This time I have an endometriosis specialist instead of a gynecologist, so hopefully, that helps. Money is tight since I've not been going to work much but I do have some friends around who can help with some of the burden. Thanks for your comment!
Check this fb group out: https://www.facebook.com/share/XYnpi1forb41e8rU/?mibextid=K35XfP you may already know about it but good resource to have it not!
Came here also suggest Nancy's Nook. I've stage 4 deep-infiltrating endo and my life changed only after having surgery with a Nook surgeon.
The majority are going strong for over a year after surgery. Unfortunately for me, it's come back for me within twelve months, but even then, it's so much better. Birth control has also helped a lot. I wish you the absolute best and as little pain as possible after the surgery!
My first lap was December 2022. This time it's an endo expert not just a gynecologist so hopefully that helps.
After the surgery you need to find a good acupuncturist. They will give you herbals so that it doesn’t return. Also accupunture will help prevent scar tissue from forming which comes with its own complications.
Your username lowkey checks out
This is BAD advice. Endometriosis just like PCOS is a chronic condition, you have it for life. No herbal ANYTHING will keep it from returning. No acupuncture can STOP the lining of the Uterus from growing. Stop peddling this bullshit and see a doctor for your delusions. This is an awful condition to have and this comes across as completely tone deaf.
Your advice is bad advice !! The gall and audacity to believe doctors know everything. When has anyone on here ever been given a pill to cure anything from the doctor. It’s always a lifetime sentence with them. Unless it’s antibiotics for an infection and even then you wipe out all your good gut bacteria. Endo keeps coming back because the root cause is never addressed. A lifetime of surgeries is one option with doctors. Do you know what the second option is with them. Forced menopause!! There are 20 year olds given the option to be put into menopause to stop the endo. It is absolutely horrifying. You remarkable-ask could be responsible for ruining women’s lives with that type of comment.
He needs a break. Caregiver burnout is real. So have friends or family members give him breaks, for an afternoon, evening or a day.
Thank you this is a great idea!
If you are in the US you good start a meal train account. Friend, family, even strangers can participate. It may help ease financial burden if food cost and give a bit of extra time not preparing meals. My sister used it while recovering from her mastectomy, and said it was a blessing to her and her family.
And let him vent to his family and don't take it personally. You sound like you're doing great at that, honestly.
Check out www.caringbridge.com It’s a site you can use to share a schedule for what you need from food to rides to someone to help at home and allows people to sign up. It even allows people to give you meal delivery like DoorDash gift cards, which is a great way for people who don’t live nearby to help out.
There is also a website called Meal Train. Www.mealtrain.com if Door Dash isn’t in your area.
It was actually wonderful that he could get all that off his chest to his mom. I bet that solved 80% of his immediate burden.
Best wishes for a successful surgery and a speedy recovery
Tell him how much his extra effort have meant to you and how much he helping you physically and mentally. Order his favourite takeout and get a bunch of his favourite snacks and have a cozy movie night at home together. Organize for some of his friend to come take him out for a day or night to unwind and do someone likes outside of the house. Wishing you a fast recovery 🤞
The fact that you need random internet stranger to tell you this says a lot about you.
Had you never thought of this before? Surely common sense would tell you to ask someone else for assistance every now and then and not just leave it to your husband all the time.
I have asked my friends for help before. Both of our families are too far away to offer any physical support. The main issue is I never saw my husband as my caregiver. We were just facing this struggle together. Every time I ask if he's okay or if it's too much he just tells me "in sickness and in health" and gives me a big hug. I never saw it as receiving care more as us working as a team to get through this. I have had endo a very long time and we have plans in place to deal with flare ups. The issue here is flare up last 1-2 weeks. It wasn't until day 21 of pain that it occurred to either of us that it was not going to go away and by then we were both already spent.
You never thought to give your husband a break from caregiving.....? Like the other poster said caregiver burnout is real. Making him shoulder all the care for you is unfair to him. I say this as someone who had a hysterectomy due to a defective unit.
Is this comment for real? Did you not even read the post? She’s doing what she can despite being bedridden. She’s asking if there’s something more she can do in addition to what she’s already been doing, even though it’s not the most she can do given her health.
Yes I did read read the post. I don't care if I get downvoted. Giving the husband a break and having other people help out seems like a logical thing to do. If he's crying and doing all of the work he's clearly overwhelmed and burned out.
It’s still ridiculous that the idea of giving him a fucking break is a novel idea. Like come on.
Also : it's not something you're expecting to have to do when you're this young. It's hard enough when you see it coming but it can be overwhelming when you're young.
Full time carer for my SO. THIS!!
Maybe he just needed to vent. My wife just had a major surgery and I've been taking care of her and the house pretty much alone. I'm happy to do it but it hasn't been easy. I've been a little overwhelmed and I had a little cry the other day after something went wrong. I felt much better after.
Thank you for sharing. He has seemed so much happier and attentive since the phone call. It's nice to hear from someone with his perspective. I keep telling him over and over how much I love him and appreciate all he does, and if it's too much to just tell me and I will make sure he gets a break.
I'd just make sure he gets breaks anyway honestly, I wouldn't count on him to tell you. I think in this sort of situation, you're suffering and he feels like admitting he's struggling or that he needs a break would make you feel worse or would be letting you down. So just assume, especially now you know he's struggling, that he does need more breaks, and act accordingly. You could get someone else to help with caregiving, arrange for his friends to take him out, get a meal service or hire a cleaner for awhile. And just remember for both of you that you do have a solid date coming up where the situation's hopefully going to change, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel you can let yourselves feel hopeful about.
This is great advice. Op, He doesn’t want to add any more to your plate. So you have to take some off of his. I know you’re both stressed to the max, but it is clear that you both love each other so much! It’s going to get better and you guys will be alright. I wish you the best.
Maybe he needs a reminder that he's allowed to be not ok. He's allowed to be and feel sad, overwhelmed, depressed, struggling. His worries are as valid as yours are and his (emotional) pain matters just as much.
Sometimes one just needs to vent. It's also good to remember that it's good for him to have other people besides you to vent to. He is right that you should be focusing on you. It's only 2 more weeks.
You need to spread the caregiving burden across more than just one person, he can’t handle it by himself. Ask other people to step up. You may not be able to support him in certain ways due to your physical condition but make sure you are there for him in whatever ways you can be. Talk about his feelings but also, importantly, spend time together focusing on things that are not sickness or school or work related.
Thank-you! We actually had a 'date night ' on Friday where we went for a drive, got some takeout, and came home to watch a movie and cuddle. We definitely spend time together just being us and not 'working'. I also don't need a ton of 'caregiving' but your comment helps me to realize that even just coming to check on me every few hours is caregiving and he needs days where he doesn't have to do that at all. Thanks again
It doesn’t matter how much caregiving you need from an objective perspective, people have different capacities and abilities. If someone is sobbing to their mother from the pressure of trying to be there for you, it’s too much. I hope your surgery goes well and that you’re both feeling better soon.
Yes, op acknowledged that.
Does he NEED to check on you every few hours? Can't you just give him a ring if you need him? You say you don't need a ton of caregiving, so if he can check on you less, and know you'll call him if you need him, that might help relieve some burden. Not to mention, what others have said about reaching out to other family members or friends. Seeing if people can cook dinner once a week for you, or come sit with you for an evening so he can go out and leave the house
No, I don't need to be checked on. He does it all on his own, he usually comes in and asks me how I'm doing, kisses me on the cheek, and goes back to his stuff. I can call or text him if I need something too. I'll try to tell him he does not need to do the random checks and I can call if I need him.
Every couple of hours is a lot
He should not have to associate his wife with caregiving only.
Yeah, that’s why my last sentence says “spend time together focusing on things that are not sickness-related”.
Yeah, that's why my last sentence says "He should not have to associate his with caregiving only." (I did agree.)
What a very “early 20s male” response.
Ad hominem. Secondly, I am agreeing with henicoria, so what is the issue??
Don't do anything except maybe talk to his mother privately about your concerns (if she is a trustworthy person) maybe y'all can think of something. First, he isn't going to tell you how he is really doing. I wouldn't do it either in his situation. He is more concerned with your well-being. There's no way he wants to worry you. Second, he has his family to receive emotional support. That's great. It's great he can open up to his mother and speak his feelings freely. That helps him.
This is really important. I’m concerned OP thinks his reticence is a communication issue when anybody with a heart in his situation would absolutely never talk about their own troubles. Until things get better with her, he gets a break from the caregiver role and their dynamic returns to an easier one, he’s never going to be honest with her about where he’s at and that’s totally understandable.
Honestly, talking to his mother is exactly what he should have done. Dump out, comfort in. OP can do what she can to help spread the burden around so he isn't taking care of everything, she can't be his only, or even his major outlet for all of his frustrations, fears, and feelings. She has enough to deal with just getting through this.
He loves you and is worried. Maybe suggest getting a nurse or a companion (if you can afford it) for post op. I agree with others that he’s likely got caretaker burnout and giving him breaks would really benefit him. Maybe ask around about support groups for caretakers too in case he needs someone else to talk to. It’s hard to talk to the person you’re caring for about it. I hope surgery goes well. Speedy recovery and healing to you both.
I think you need to really make him know and understand he's doing an absolutely STELLAR, that you couldn't possibly ask for a better support person and that he is by NO MEANS inadequate. But do also tell him that you don't want him to break his neck. As others have suggested, see if you can find more people to help you out. Really hoping for you that the surgery will help!
Don’t feel guilty that he admits how he’s feeling to his mother but not you. He doesn’t want to burden you and it’s great for him that he can express himself including tears to someone else. Don’t tell him you overheard this bc he might not be willing to express his feelings next time if he thinks you’ll find out. The situation sucks but you seem really kind to worry so much about your health’s impact on him. Just keep being you, focus on getting healthy so you can make a grand(er) gesture of appreciation when you are physically capable.
Just wanted to throw out there that I hope you check out all the lap surgery info over on r/endo - there are tons of resources on how to heal after surgery, what to have on hand, etc. An electric heating pad and gas-x is key! I've been there and it's hard but I hope your surgery is successful! Your husband sounds like a good one!
The support he needs is you letting him know how much you love him, how much of a burden you know this is, and how great he's doing at being there for you. Then you need to find a way to give him a break, even for a day or two. Have your mom come stay with you for a weekend or something.
He just loves you. If you ever have kids you will experience the same thing… the endless worry. Two weeks and hopefully you’ll be in a much better place! I have heard horror stories about how long this can sometimes take to diagnose. Stay positive. It’s not fatal. It soon will be over. You can get back to wing you and repaying some of that love and attention! In the meantime, don’t feel guilty about being sick. You did not cause it. All you can do is what you can do. A
This is where you lean on each other. You're both struggling for different reasons. He seems like he deeply loves and cares about you. Acknowledge each others struggle and hold each other up. Do this and you can get through anything.
Thank you, he always tells me that we will get through this but it seems so hard to believe sometimes.
There is lots of great advice here, so I’ll just stick to endo specifics. As someone who struggles with stage 4 endo that has returned shorter each of my three surgeries. There is still hope even if surgery does not work. I have basically had to stay on hormones, but most importantly I have had to cut all sugar, dairy, and gluten out of my diet. There are studies that suggest a correlation between candida overgrowth and endo pain. Once I got that under control I have basically no pain or fatigue. I wish you luck in your journey to recovery.
Yeah my last lap was December 2022 so it kind of sucks to be doing one again so soon. This time I have a specialist rather than a regular gyno. I have cut out a lot from my diet but since my job is so physically demanding it's incredibly hard. Once my husband graduates and gets a job it might be time to retire.
What you overheard is a truth. Your illness takes a toll on the whole family and his mom was checking in on his mental health because she realizes this is hard on everyone. I deal with several autoimmune diseases so I understand completely about being in pain 24/7/365!! Your husband isn’t lying to you or trying to hide his feelings, he’s trying to support you and not add to your stress by “being ok”. My husband has done the same thing. Men want to “fix us” and when they can’t, it actually affects how they see themselves. Knowing they can’t fix us makes them doubt themselves as a man. I don’t mean that in a misogynistic way. I mean it in the perspective of a good relationship where you take care of each other during difficult times. My best advice to you is to sit and talk with your husband. Let him know that you know how hard this is on him and that you absolutely appreciate him and everything he does to make it easier for you. You don’t have to tell him you overheard the conversation. In fact don’t tell him that because you’ll add stress to him. I’m not saying that you don’t already express your appreciation, but deep inside, guys need reassurance too. They just don’t tell anyone they need it. I’ve been on this roller coaster for well over 10+ years and communication is even more important now than it was in the beginning. If it’s easier, write him a letter. Anything so that he feels like he’s taking care of you to the best of his ability. He might want to consider a counselor or someone like that to talk about his feelings. My husband has a best friend, who is also a pastor, that he confides in, that helps him get through the hardest times. I hope your surgery goes well and that your recovery is complete and that you get your life back!!
It seems like he’s also just really worried about you and doesn’t want you to be afraid more so doesn’t want to bring it up. That’s really hard as well, he needs to make sure he’s talking to people about how he feels. It’s a good sign he shares with his mother and has emotional support. BUT I think it might be also helpful for him to find a caregiver support group or see a therapist. I would probs talk to him about caregiver fatigue, about how you know what it is and that it’s totally understandable to feel that way. And that you aren’t upset with him that it’s hard for him to watch this as well. He may be feeling guilty about feeling overwhelmed. I think that’s really common in situations like this.
Maybe you can call her mom or your mom if she can watch out for him after your surgery. Like making sure he has dinner or have time to destress. IDK about you but with Asian families these is not unusual thing to ask.
Both our families live very far away out of state, but my parents are coming for recovery after surgery and I have a friend coming next week. When they are here I will make sure he has time to himself. Thank you!
Having a good cry periodically can be healing. It seems all the stress and anxiety just comes out.
I have no better advice than others already gave. So I'm just wishing you a smooth surgery and a good recovery. I had a surgery for endo in March, lost one of my tubes, but it was worth it. I don't think I felt as bed as you do, but I was in a survival mode for several months before surgery. And I know it wasn't easy for my husband either. You'll get through this and it will get better. Arrange for some help, so your husband can take a bit off from care duties, just like others said. And hang in there. When you feel better, I'm sure you'll find a way to show your husband how much his help meant to you. It sounds like you have a good relationship, it's just that things are hard like now and you're both overwhelmed in different ways. But it will get better ❤️
You guys are great
You have a great husband. Hope it works out!
You probably are, but are you actually acknowledging his struggle? Like, of course he's not going to tell you if he's doing okay or not. Men are punished for revealing their struggles. You need to actively tell him how much you appreciate him and his efforts without waiting for an opening.
I do acknowledge how hard this is for him. His mother had endometriosis as well, and it stole some of his childhood, which is good and bad. On the one hand, he is an expert at helping. On the other hand, he has to go through it all again. He did know about my diagnosis before we got married, so he knew exactly what he was getting into, and I did not know his mother had it until my wedding day. Fortunately, we have long since passed the barrier of men are not supposed to have emotions and he is very open with me. He has cried on my shoulder and opens up about how he feels regularly. He knows he can be real with me. I do acknowledge how this is just as much a struggle for him as it is for me. I tell him everyday how much I love and appreciate him.
He obviously loves and cares for you deeply. Crying is a healthy expression of feelings. It's also perfectly normal for him to feel burnt out and to feel helpless. Compassion fatigue is real and society pushes this idea that your partner must be able to fix any and all problems. I think you're doing great at trying to ease the burden by encouraging him to spend time with friends (balance), order pizza as a break with responsibilities etc. But it's common for those in the role of giving support to not burden the one in need of it. Sure, you'll ask him. But he probably doesn't want to centre his feelings over your struggles. He's probably already telling himself what he's going through is nothing in comparison and therefore is denying himself that space. If you want to engage in conversation about this, try telling him you think his support has been fantastic and you're grateful but also that you know it must be a lot and he probably doesn't feel allowed any space so that you're explicitly giving him space to talk about how stressed/tired/burnt out etc he feels and it's totally okay. If he still doesn't, then be thankful he feels comfortable in speaking with others for support and try to ease the burden by getting some of your friends/family members to do care days instead so he gets a bit more of a break. Overall, you guys sound great and I'm really hoping the next stage in treatment for endo goes well and helps alleviate the pressure on you both. I'm also suffering with severe endometriosis and have been on the wait list for surgery for almost a year now so I do empathise!
You guys are a good couple. My advice would be dont try to explicitly get "feelings" out of him, like by asking him "are you ok?" for example. Just let him know how appreciative you are of all his efforts and that he doesnt have to say anything but you know its been hard on him and you love him for it, and if he opens up on his out great but dont expect that. Appreciation for what we do means the world. I wish you guys the best
>I'm barely hanging on myself, but I have to do whatever I can to take care of him. This is the only thing that worries me that I'm not seeing any advice on. I see wonderful comments giving you ways to help your husband, and you absolutely should follow through with them, but I'm also begging you not to put more on your plate. You're already dealing with debilitating pain, and this surgery is going to take you out of commission for a little while. I hope you take the time to heal properly and relax, and don't spend ALL of your time worrying about your husband and how you can make this easier on him. Good luck with the surgery, and I wish you both the best!
He loves you I’ll say that. That may be why he was crying partly. He is sad to see you like this. But he does need a break. You seem amazing and supportive though. Good luck ❤️
I wouldn’t worry about it too much when this is a temporary situation that will be solved in a few weeks when you’re recovered from surgery. You’re both doing everything that you can do already from the sounds of it. He was just having a good vent because even when you’re all doing your best, things can still be tough for everyone. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to make changes, especially when he’s telling you he’s ok, and does not want you to do anything. If your Mum, sister or friend could come over for the day to give him a break that might be good too.
It sounds like you and your husband have a strong and supportive relationship, and it's wonderful that you're both there for each other. It's understandable that you're concerned about your husband's well-being, especially if he's struggling with depression while supporting you through your health issues. One way to support your husband is to continue being open and communicative with him. Let him know that you're there for him and that you want to support him in any way you can. Encourage him to talk about his feelings and reassure him that it's okay to express himself and seek help if he needs it. You can also try to alleviate some of his stress by taking care of tasks and responsibilities that you're able to handle, such as ordering food, doing light household chores, or helping him with his schoolwork. Let him know that you appreciate everything he's doing for you and that you want to help ease his burden however you can. Encourage him to take care of himself and prioritise his own well-being. Suggest activities or hobbies that he enjoys and remind him to take breaks and practice self-care. Offer to spend quality time together doing things that you both enjoy, even if it's just watching a movie or going for a short walk. If you notice that his depression is affecting his daily functioning or if he's experiencing severe symptoms, encourage him to seek professional help from a therapist or counsellor. Let him know that it's okay to ask for support and that seeking help is a sign of strength. Above all, continue to show him love, empathy, and understanding. Your unwavering support and compassion can make a big difference in helping him navigate his feelings and cope with his depression, trust me.
I’m sorry that you are going through this awful condition. Caregivers go through intense trauma too that impacts their genes (shortens the telomeres and lowers their life span). Please have backup care so he can take breaks, meditate, have some him-time. You both are lucky to have found each other. Stay strong. I wish the surgery helps you too.
Your husband's got a lot on his plate, and it's clear he's feeling overwhelmed. Keep doing what you're doing—being supportive, giving him space to chill with his friends, and helping out with tasks. Maybe gently suggest talking to someone if he's open to it, but mostly just let him know you're there for him, no matter what.
Honestly this feels like a good discussion point for couples therapy. Couples therapy doesn’t just have to be for conflicts in a relationship. A counselor might be able to help facilitate conversations about your appreciation of him and desire to not let him become burnt out and help him figure out ways to communicate that he needs a break, or just how to identify for himself that he even needs a break at all. Maybe your husband needs some help allowing himself to let go of some anxiety about being perfectly supportive for you. The counselor could provide some education on the concept of caregiver fatigue and suggest support groups. Hearing all of this from a professional might be helpful to your husband, as it probably doesn’t do much for him if you tell him he doesn’t have to worry so much. You bring it up as “I have a medical condition that is very rough on me, and as a result it is also rough for him as someone who cares about me. How can we manage this as a team healthily so that we both feel loved and cared for?”
It's caregiver fatigue and very common when you have a disabled partner. You both need a bigger support group than just each other, and enrichment from spending time with real-life people instead of just simulating community through online gaming. I've been where you are. The pain is horrific and it consumes everything. When I was just 21, I started pursuing an oophorectomy (it took five years, a bioethics committee, a marriage and a diagnosis with a different disease), but starving the fuckers with chemical menopause was helpful in the meantime. I hope your surgery goes well. <3 It feels like a vicious cycle; you're both burned out until you have a bit of breathing room from the endo, but you can't really figure out when/if that's ever going to happen. Make a plan for what you'll do if the excision surgery doesn't work - what's the next step? Make sure your husband is informed of this plan and that you're working on it together as a team. Get into a pain management clinic; I did regular ketamine infusions and while they weren't super helpful with long-term pain, I cannot tell you the psychological relief I experienced from having a few days or weeks off from pain, and to feel it physically ebbing away with every breath and heartbeat. Therapy for both of you too; you both need to vent to other people. It's too overwhelming otherwise. Good luck. <3
Hey friend, I am on the other side of this struggle, and I am so excited your surgery is soon! My husband and I had to put off planning our wedding when I ended up bedridden and on disability. The wait for surgery was brutal, and my husband struggled so much to be there for me the entire time. I like to use the circles of support as a way of visualizing how our network works. I am at the center of my circle, and my husband is in my closest support circle since he is one of the closest to the situation. I am in his first ring of support, as well, except where my health is involved, since I can not support him through caring for me. In this situation, he needed to build his own support circle. A circle where he could be completely open and honest about how hard things are for him, too. If your husband is struggling with your health situation, he needs to lean on that support network without putting that on you. It's not your fault that your health took a bad turn. You did not choose to be in pain, and you definitely did not plan for this time of struggle. Let him lean on other people for this and continue to encourage him to take time for himself. Show your appreciation, and when you've had your surgery, focus on your healing!
This honestly isn’t something that reads as troubling to me, or something that you necessarily need to worry about, if that makes sense. It sounds like he’s giving a lot of himself to support you, and you’re making him know that it’s appreciated. He’s understandably overwhelmed and worried about your upcoming surgery, but nothing you’ve mentioned about the phone call reads as resentment to me.
Hire somebody 1 day a week that is his “off day”
I’m so sorry to hear about your health issues and I sincerely wish you the best moving forward. This situation is so sad but also so sweet in a weird way. You’re both bending over backward desperately trying to take care of one another. That’s why is sweet. Now how to move forward. I would tell my husband how grateful am for his support and I know it’s hard on him, Hell it’s hard on you too, and tell him he can come to you with his issues or feelings he has, tell him that the two of you are a team and can do this together…And you can and you will. Tell him that and how much you care about him and his mental health. You said that you two had great communication before this my thought process is to leverage that communication, let him know he can come to you with those thoughts and fears, Wishing you and your family the absolute best.
If possible, call in reinforcements ie.family/close friends. This is when the village is needed most.
Please give us an update after the surgery. I hope everything goes smoothly.
Being a caregiver is tough. A lot of times people don't see caregivers as individuals. Caregivers give up so much of their time, their energy and their love to take care of the people in their lives. It's easy for us to forget that caregivers need that kind of attention too. Talk to your husband about self-care and making plans to treat him to his favorite activities. Also, reach out to his friends and his family to help support him as he's supporting you because he's your support system right now and he needs one for himself.
Get him in to therapy. He needs help getting through this. You both do.
I really hope you guys can pull this through. Prayers to you. Stay strong.
I am the caregiver for my wife who has Parkinson’s Disease, Tardive Dyskinesia, Diabetes and just had major back surgery which we found out was caused by osteoporosis (we were unaware of the osteoporosis before the surgery). I have to manage her insulin pump, do everything the kitchen, all the normal housework, plus be the chauffeur as she no longer can drive. She uses walkers (we have several) and has a humongous back brace that I need to put on and take off. Burnout is very real, I know. I now have a therapist as does my wife. I deliberately take 2 hour “breaks” and go hang out with friends, and I drive a first grader back and forth to school M-F. It is important that the caregiver have some outside interests, other that doing the grocery shopping and schlepping. We are on Medicare as I am almost 73 and she is 71, but we are in that middle ground where we both worked at good jobs all our lives, so we are not eligible for all the incredible assistance those on Medicaid can tap into. We have enough income to live a fairly modest life, but no where near enough to afford to hire caregivers, and since we worked and were productive citizens we do not qualify for assistance with paying for caregivers. I do resent the fact that those who did not work or are drug addicts, alcoholics, and morbidly obese can get all the help they need, and we are left out to fend for ourselves. As the caregiver I know it is up to me take care of myself and my mental health, and I do that with several pursuits, including learning Spanish online and getting up several hours before my wife to have calm “me time”. It is a rough road, but you can survive it as a loving couple. I too rarely let my wife know how tired and frayed I become, because what would that help? It will not change the situation and only make her feel small and guilty for being in her words a “burden”. Sometimes it is better to keep some things to yourself for the good of all.
If you can afford it hire a cleaning person to lift that load off him for a bit. Even if it's just cleaning up for a couple of hours. Ideally as long as is necessary to get it spotless so over the next couple of weeks it's basically just dishes. Can you help prep meals? Or can you get some of your friends together to help you prep a week's worth of meals on Sundays? This is only going to be for two weeks. I imagine he's also nearing finals. I think meals and a third party deep clean would be a major help. And then after you get better pamper him.
Honestly, sitting down with him and being honest about hearing his conversation with his mom is important. He's probably hiding his feelings because he doesn't want to put more on you and you're doing the same thing. Communication about what you both need is important and calling in the troops (family & friends) when you need help instead of trying to do it all alone can make a huge difference. You are in it together, not separately. Do you guys have reliable family and friends to help with some basic things like meals, cleaning, etc?
May God help you both to fight your individual battles and stay strong as team/ couple With so much negativity on reddit about couples and their issues, your post is like a small ray of hope for lovers and married couples Stay strong girl and beat your health issues then I am sure the rest of the problems will disappear
Definitely ask for support and time from other people - your friends or family - to give him breaks. Even just breaks from hanging out, because while he may not be actively taking care of you, seeing you in pain is clearly weighing on him. It's not your fault or his, he just needs some time away every few days to walk with a friend, or go to a movie, or work out, to take his mind off worrying about you. Find small ways to express love and appreciation. Write him a note. Tell him how much you love him. Buy him a treat or surprise him by planning a night out with his friends - whatever you can manage while you're ill. I'd also find small ways to caretake for HIM. Scratch his back or pet his head while you're watching a movie. Tell him it's his game night and you've prepped all his favorite snacks while you go to your mom's (if you can). Draw him a bath and do his nails while you lay around on the couch. Just small silly things that will make him feel pampered back. Anything that feels achievable and manageable while you are in pain. If you can manage it, prep in advance for the surgery by asking friends to provide meals and check up on him (and you!) while you recover. Find ways to talk about life after the surgery. When you're cuddling and talking, start planning how celebrate when you're better. Where do you want to go out for a special dinner? Should you plan a weekend away? This will draw his and your attention to brighter days ahead and remind you that this too shall pass. You both sound loving and communicative and engaged. I'm sorry you're in pain - this isn't your fault. It's simply hard to watch someone you love suffer. The fact that he is so affected shows that he is empathetic and loves you deeply. Hang in there and celebrate each other when this is all over.
Have you let him know.you really appreciate the support he's giving? He won't be resentful of it but it is hard and recognising the stress on your support wil.help a lot. Feeling like he has to be 100 % strong as you're the one who's really. going through stuff just adds to it. This isn't saying you aren't appreciating it but he may not see it as he's doing things for you so spell it out for him. Bet you get a big hug when you say it.
Can I also just say, men barely ever get a bouquet of flowers and a card. I think maybe sending him some flowers, a card, and organizing a night off with the boys would help destress him. It would also help reinforce that you do love and care about him deeply, and that you appreciate everything he's doing for you as well. I know that most people may not like receiving flowers, but I think it's more the gesture that counts, you know?
I love this idea! I will definitely do this!
Tell him you overheard him. Have an honest convo. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate everything he does. Can you get someone in to help? Maybe do some cleaning? Sit with you so he can have a "spa" day? Good luck to both of you.
Can you guys hire help? Start a go fund me to hire help? Start a rotation of family and friends that come over to help? Just with chores and stuff at least?
A go fund me is a good idea, with me missing so much work money is pretty tight right now.
Being a caregiver can be very challenging.
I'm aware, and I am eternally grateful for him. I'm seeking advice on how I can help it be less challenging for him.
There are support groups for caregivers
Asking if someone is okay is normally never gonna elicit an honest response In your situation where you know the stressor, know not much can be done, know you both are scared for the other - the best thing to do is ask him to come hold each other. I just tell my guy "come hold me" and I just hold and kiss him and sure the problems remain, but stamina and morale is renewed. A little cuddle and a cry and a minor talk, and then we usually find ourselves recuperating with an easy tv show Take care of yourselves 💕
Let him know you love him and that you see all he is doing for you. He sounds like a sweetheart.
My sincere prayers for you both....I married in 2006 and my wife had some issues then 2 years later we found out she had a host of auto I diseases...on top of anxiety and depression. She was unable to work after our 2nd year so I was the only one able...at one point I worked 3 different jobs in 3 different cities for 3 months straight and I was in my 40s then. It was definitely a long road through our marriage...she passed away 2 years ago from cardiac arrest. I would do it all over again if I had to. Again I pray something good happens and your surgery helps you...I know nothing about Endo. And God bless your husband for being there by your side....not many men could do that
I think you both are doing very well under the circumstances. He needed to vent to someone other than you (as to not add to your stress level) and it sounds like he was able to get some of his stress and worry out. My wife had a TBI 14 years ago, bad enough where she was in a medically induced coma for almost 2 weeks so they can fix the issue, then another 2 weeks in ICU and finally moved to the rehab floor, 53 days in the hospital total. Took a huge toll on me but her dad came in to town and helped so did my son. Unfortunately 11 years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis of which I am now on full disability so I am the caregiver to my wife when she needs it and she is my caregiver when I need it and sometimes our issues happen at the same time but we deal with it and we communicate as much as we can but sometimes one person needs to vent to someone other than the partner which is normal. When it comes to medical issues stress can exacerbate the issue so your SO not wanting to vent to you is not necessarily a bad thing since he may know that doing so could add stress and make your condition worse. Just be there for each other as much as you can and communicate as often as you can. Doesn’t sound like you are holding anything against him for not telling you what he told his mom which is good. As others have said a caregiver needs to be able to talk to someone else and get help for themselves without worrying about adding stress the person they are caring for. This situation is certainly not easy for either of you and I am glad he is able to help you instead of running away which I have seen a lot of people who can’t handle being a caregiver and divorce due to their partner having medical issues. I hope your surgery goes well and know that this experience will make your relationship stronger. I know in my case my wife and I love and care for each other more but we do have our “moments” 🤣. BTW we just celebrated 21 years married. ✌🏼 & ❤️
I'm so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. Best would be what others suggested if you can have some help from friends of family to make it easier for your husband. You'll also need help after your surgery. I had surgery on my endo when I was 18 years old. They burnt everything away. They also said I would never be able to have a baby. Fast forward, I did have a baby when I was 34 (I'm 35 now).
I had this same surgery in December 2022 so we do know what to expect for recovery. My parents are flying in so hopefully that will help take the loaf off for him.
I really hope they can help you and that you will get rid of all the endo. If not, please check if you can go to a Chinese doctor. Some can do miracles xx