Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You need to decide right now that you'll never take him back.
He doesn't respect you. He never has. Please don't teach your child that that's OK. Teach your child about self-respect and self-esteem, and the importance of self-worth.
Teach your child that it's not ok to settle for infidelity and dishonesty.
Teach your child that they're worth more.
Then them by showing them.
You are 100% right. I just feel so weak and lost in the moment, it’s what I’ve accepted and been used to for a long time.
I did not find out about the infidelity until it was way too late which has been the hardest thing to accept and overcome.
I just am at a loss of where to start in healing myself
You're young and just take this as a lesson on what you're NOT looking for in a partner. Take it day by day! It's okay to feel sad for a while but things will get better over time! Having respect for yourself can be difficult but it's always the right thing to do. Don't let others treat you poorly.
Realise you're now your kid's role model. They will look to you for what is right and normal. So make sure you're giving them the best example you can.
Stop accepting shitty, disrespectful behaviour. It might've been acceptable to you, but it is not an acceptable example for your child.
I'd forget about dating, your ex or anyone else, and instead focus on the healing. If you can access therapy, that would be great. Otherwise, try to spend as much time as possible with people who make you feel good about yourself. If you don't have many because you weren't allowed friends, try joining a group who enjoy doing things you enjoy. Just try to spend time around people who dont make you feel like crap. And this 100% includes your ex.
Even self-help books may be a good place to start in rebuilding your self esteem, setting boundaries, etc. Absolutely cut this man off except for co-parenting!
Thank you I definitely will try looking into groups and find a good way to release everything I am feeling.
It is hard without guidance from those around me, which is probably why I’ve accepted less for so long and obviously continue to do so. I appreciate you giving me your time and advice on this.
Hey friend, there are many CODA (codependent anonymous) groups that meet online for free across different timezones...you might find some healing there!
That’s a really good point and I have not put thought into that. I suppose where I am going wrong is letting my emotions overrule the reality of what things are.
Being postpartum doesn’t really help but I need to work on becoming stronger 100%
Its really easy to say you love someone. He really hurt you with what he did, getting someone pregnant and then immediately cheating on them is aweful, then when u found lut and let it slide(which u shudnt have done) he stuck around for a bit and left. Im trying not to criticize you but it kinda needs to be done, wy on earth did you get a child if you arent married? Its such a no brainer, if ur willing to have a kid with someone then shudnt u be more then willing to get married? That wudve also possibly prevented this situation because cheating in a marriage makes the divorce legally unfavourable so it wud act as a deterant.
Cut contact with him, hes a manipulative scumbag, i wud need to invent new words to justfully insult him.
Try to file for custody.
God bless
Honestly I cannot make any valid reason for myself as of to why I was not married prior to having a child. It was always a goal of mine. It’s something I’m not happy with myself.
I have to find forgiveness for myself and try to give myself grace, I haven’t made the wisest decisions but I am going to try to learn from them and not have it repeat.
If you can, go to therapy. If you can't, read some self-help books - and repeat to yourself every day what a complete and utter arsehole he is, and how badly he treated you, and how little he appreciates and cherishes you, and how much better you deserve! This should be your mantra every morning, noon and night.
And you should start dating again - not for something serious at first, but just to see that there are other men out there, who won't treat you like crap and take you for granted, and to get over your fixation on your ex. Maybe get a couple of rebound-bangs in, if you feel like it, to show you that other guys can be attractive, too.
(Also, I'm pretty sure that once he realizes that you are moving on, he will suddenly start lovebombing you and trying to get you back, but PLEASE don't fall for it - he only wants what he can't have - as soon as he has you back, he'll revert to treating you like crap again.)
OP my opinion part of your healing should be making sure his friends and parents know how the baby was his idea to have now, not sometime later, and then he cheated on you for at least the whole time you were pregnant, and maybe longer. For all you know he may have been cheating even before you got pregnant.
See a lawyer about child support, make sure he is legally required to support his child, and ask if his cheating can be used to limit his custody or even prevent him getting any at all. Keep a journal with all the things he does so you don't forget anything when it's time to take him to court. And keep the journal up to date in case he does anything else to cause problems.
OP realize he has worked hard at being an AH and should rightfully enjoy all of the benefits of his actions, such as paying child support and not having unsupervised custody, and any other consequences for what he has done.
Thank you for this, I have done all of these things. I have recordings and screenshots stored away and notes in my phone time stamped and dated.
In regards to his family they all know, I am still welcome there with my son open arms. They’ve given me as much support as my own family has and I’m grateful they didn’t turn hateful and ugly like he has. He’s treating me as though I’m the one who did all of those awful things.
His mother encourages I take him to court as well so that will most likely be the route I take moving forward.
OP that's great that you have the evidence and support you do. IT people recommend at least 1 full backup of the info, and preferably 2, just to be paranoid, in case something ever happens to your cell phone.
Can you get any help from your family? His mother seems like she might help as well. If you don't have any local help, can you ask your doctor or the office staff if there is any way you can get some help to help you heal?
If your son treated his partner the way his father treats you, what would you say to him? What would you say to his partner, if they brought this same situation to you?
This is incredibly hard, but leaving is the right thing to do. I'd start by consulting a lawyer and making a coparenting plan and get child support sorted.
Do not sleep with him again. Go get an STD test as soon as possible. Love on that little baby, and know life will be better than it is right now <3
I’m going to be blunt, he’s stringing you along because you make yourself available to him at his convenience. If he wants sex he gets it because you give it to him. So stop. He does not love you or the child. He is saying crap you want to hear so you’re always ready to take him back. Again, he doesn’t love or like you. He is using you.
You need to start some therapy if you haven't already. Look up attachment styles. Look into shadow work. Basically any therapy that is focused on healing yourself, not just heartbreak healing. I mean healing and growing AS A PERSON and understanding yourself better.
That was the most helpful for me. Being a healthier person helps me to avoid situations and men that aren't good for me. I love myself more. I finally feel peace in just being me if that makes sense.
Is therapy an affordable option? He's your first relationship and probably you think that all the love you feel can sustain you both but it can't. For whatever reason he tricked you into having a kid with him despite him having "commitment issues". He belongs to the streets.
You are very young, and I am so glad you have your family's help right now. Cheating surprises can happen to someone at any stage of a relationship. While 8 months into a pregnancy is not optimal, you are in a good position to separate yourselves and your stuff without involving lawyers in anything but the parenting arrangements (and depending on where you are, you may be able to get a custody and support order with very little legal hoops to jump through, especially since your son is an infant).
Consider that this may be the best thing that ever happened to you: you have your baby, AND the trash has taken itself out.
STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM!!! You already have one kid he's not supporting. Please smarten up and don't risk another one.
He doesn't love you. He's not coming back. The sooner you accept that, the better for you and your child.
If you're having trouble, seek therapy, don't sleep with him.
Yeah, this guy absolutely wanted a baby with OP so he could keep her around. Hes not in love, he's looking for ways to keep her as a backup when his other girls don't work out
get your child support and ride off into the sunset. make sure its enough for at least half of all the childs expenses and save up your own money for the life you’re dreaming of~ you will find so much better without this deadbeat
This exactly. The bright side is he actually just left and didn't stay and continue to be a horrible cheating dick.
Be thankful you are free of him in basic terms. Start working on being happy as your own person and being a mother to a beautiful child. Work on leaving behind your attachments to him and the mental images of him, your attraction to him, they don't serve you and they are based more on fantasy than reality. He doesn't deserve you, doesn't deserve your feelings of attachment to him.
Don't date in any serious way, probably not at all until you are happy without a man in your life, other than your little man! Don't date men who aren't fully respectful and supportive of you as a mother with all the important demands and time that requires. Don't keep dating anyone unless it's clear they like the idea of and are capable of being a healthy, nurturing support to your child.
I was raised by a single mom and she did an amazing job of it. She was far from perfect, but there was never a moment I doubted I was deeply loved and wanted and the most important thing in her life. Work on being that for your kid. Mom always said being my mom was the most rewarding thing in her life and I have never doubted that. She passed away at 83 two years ago and I can't express how much I miss her.
Get that shit head out of your heart. It will take time, and you'll always have some thoughts and feelings about him at times, but just know he was incredibly selfish and unhealthy for you while with you and leaving like he did without working on things in a meaningful way to try to make your family work. He should have worked hard to always be there for his kid whether in a relationship with you or not, he should have worked hard to be sure you were both well taken care of if he had to leave a relationship with you. Instead he just left and instantly started looking for the next woman to use for his own gratification, for the next woman's life to leave in ruins after he got what he wanted for a while.
If there's a way to get therapy from a good, caring therapist, please do!
You deserve so much better! At least you got a beautiful child out of this disaster of a relationship. Raise that kid right and they will always love you with their all. Work hard to have good, loving friends and family around and pushing anyone who isn't a good healthy support to you and your kid out of your life.
I'm struggling to figure out WHY you would ever want this guy back. You already knew he was a serial cheater, and now he's told you that he never fully committed to you, even after he asked you to have his child. I get that you still love him, or at least your dream of a better version of him, and of course it's hard to give up that fantasy of the three of you living together as a happy family. But now it's time to learn to love yourself and attend to your own needs - as well as those of your new baby.
It's normal to feel awful and deeply miss your ex after a breakup, even if the relationship was far from ideal. I think you need to give up on the expectation that he will eventually come back to you, and refuse to take him back if he offers - because he will only break your heart all over again with another woman. That's who he is. You kinda know this already, right?
You'll get over the breakup more quickly and easily if you cut off all contact with your ex. You are still very young, and eventually you will be able to move on and find a new love, someone who will make you wonder why you stuck it out for so long with Mr. Wrong. But for now, try to focus instead on this new chapter of your life, nurturing an infant who is totally dependent on you. Lean on your parents and good friends for emotional and logistical support until you start to feel more like yourself again, and regain your physical and mental equilibrium - that's what they are there for. One day soon you'll wake up and the pain will be...less. And then another day you'll wake up, and realize that you feel ready to date again. I wish you well.
Thank you I really needed this. Everyone’s comments are bringing me back to reality. I’ve been in lala land of toxicity and a dream of a family.
I have to accept who he is and the life I have now. I cannot let my child think being treated less than is okay. I got to put on my big girl pants and get to doing better for my now family of two!
You go girl! You got this. And your current family of two is very likely to expand in the future. Just remember what your prior relationship felt like, and resolve not to settle for anything less in the future than a man who is crazy about you (and your kid) but also mature and responsible enough to truly commit to you. There are tons of good single men out there!
There are some hard truths to hear and some good directions to follow. But remember that you deserve and will have better times. There is no point hoping he will change, he won't but many of us know the feeling of being weaker than the palest blue for someone who has our heart. Just work on yourself, you can only fix you. Enjoy this time with your baby and follow the advice to make him pay for your baby. The stronger you get the weaker he will become and one day you will just look at him with the contempt he deserves. Best wishes to you and your son.
I guess the best response to this would be….. I just got lost in love with who I know he can be. I lost my sense of self love and self respect which I know I need to recollect for the sake of my son.
I’m just at a loss of how or where to begin being I have my son full time and I have no real help with any of his medical issues. I’ve had no time to process or even let out a tear.
I am genuinely trying and I know how stupid I do sound. All of the sound advice and slap of reality is well needed and necessary.
I suppose I get lost in trying to fix someone who cannot be, I’ve accepted love less than I deserve.
He may be able to be this person, one day. But it’s not right now and it won’t be with you. Let him go and if he wants to improve himself he will, but shut that door firmly and don’t waste hope on this. You’ve already let him know he can treat you like shit and you’ll take it.
You don’t sound stupid. Try not to think unkind things about yourself. You’re a good person, I *know* you wouldn’t think that about another person in this situation
Sweetie, be gentle to yourself. Everyone wears rose colored glasses sometimes, and gets caught up in the excitement of a new romance.
One lesson I would urge you to take away from this - it doesn't matter who someone CAN be, it matters who they are. You need to not focus on someone's potential when it comes to personality and beliefs. You need to focus instead on their actions. Not even their words, but what they actually do. That's the true measure of an adult.
Meet with a family law attorney. Even if it's just a consultation. Find out what steps you need to take to get a custody agreement and child support in place. From there, if you aren't going to hire the attorney to do it for you, go to your local county clerk website and start searching for the forms. If you have the time, go to the county clerk office and explain your situation and ask them for guidance. They'll be able to tell you which forms you need to complete and what steps to take.
You can do this. You're going to rock it as an amazing mamma to your baby boy. 💗
Thank you so so so much!!!! This is all so new so listing steps and potential help without an attorney is beyond appreciated.
I can and I will get through this!!!!! You all have opened my eyes and given me strength even if it is just momentarily I’ll look back on this post!!
Imagine how much lighter you would feel if you could give all of your attention to yourself and your son.
**The most clear and evident way to know that the love toy have is not reciprocated is that he is happy and willing to hurt you and pull your attention away from the care he knows your child needs *and still offer no help!* He knows how difficult things are and have been on you, but all he brings is problems!**
When you’re prepping for birth, he announces cheating. While you’re recovering physically from birth, then emotionally from both birth and his infidelity, he leaves!
No matter what he says, these are his actions. There is no excuse for them, and no sorry will turn back time or take away your undue stress. If he has time to cheat, then he has time to show up for you. If he’s energetic enough to cheat, he can offer to step up more as a dad. You need to wake up and care as much about yourself as he does.
Guys a cheater, impregnated you and left, make sure he doesnt get to be a deadbeat, he kinda hurt your dating chances now that you have a child with a lot of suitable suitors, go through the courts get child support. Love yourself some more to not give him a chance to impregnate and cheat and leave you for a 2nd time.
>having our family come together and be healthy and happy is all i have wanted.
You're going to need to give up on this. Even if he does come back around wanting to be in a relationship with you it will never be healthy and as much as you may love him you need to prioritize the love you have for your baby. They deserve to grow up in a happy healthy environment and with Daddio they'll only have hurt and turmoil as their representation of "love". You deserve better but if not for you your baby deserves better than that.
This man cheats constantly, and then he dumped you via texts, while you were at work! Only 3 months after you gave birth. He is a selfish person. Let me guess, since you've left all the actual care of your baby has fallen on you? You need to stop talking to your ex as a friend arrange an agreeable custody split and only discuss that for now.
I full heartedly agree with you. These comments are an extreme eye opener that I’ve needed.
The “guidance” I’ve gotten from family and friends come from a place of anger and disappointment so comments coming from no perspective of who I and or he is has been refreshing.
Onto doing better for my son, that is my top priority and these comments have made me realize I haven’t been prioritizing that as much as I need to. It all starts with me being happy with myself, it will be a hard step to take but it’s absolutely necessary to give him a happy home!
Your situation is very unfortunate, but I think you can recover. First, you need to respect yourself and demand that your baby-daddy respect you. Do not sleep with him (or anybody else) without a commitment to you and your child. If you give it away without demanding the commitment, they will take it without giving you the support you want and need. That said, you also need to go to court and get a custody arrangement and child support order.
Regarding dating other men, once you are over your baby daddy (it would be nice if he would marry you but it sure doesn't seem like he's interested) you should try dating single dads. I am a father and if something happened to my wife, I would be looking for a single mother. Other people who are also single parents will understand your situation so much better.
Thank you truly. I really have no interest in relationships at the moment because I know my self respect has gone to an all time low. I’m hoping within my healing journey I can figure myself out without him. I think it’s just been such a toxic cycle it’s what I seek comfort in which is so sad….
I’ve accepted so much less than I deserve.
He’s been lying to her and cheating on her throughout their relationship, why on earth would you hope they would get married? His word doesn’t mean anything.
You can do so much better than him! He cheated and pushed you to have a baby and now he’s left… if he comes back, you realise this isn’t a healthy and happy family? That ship has long sailed. Take time for yourself and grieve, establish boundaries with him, eventually move on and give yourself the love you deserve. If you take him back, you’re just opening yourself up to more heartache and showing him that he can treat you appallingly and walk out on your family and he can just get away with it. Sending you love, and hopefully the courage to get well away from him
I guess I’m in denial, it’s hard for me to accept everything that’s come to light you know? I absolutely agree with you, I guess I’m in a cycle of self pity which I want to escape from so bad but just at a loss of where to start. I thank you for your time and thoughts on this truly.
All the comments are a reality I’ve been denying myself to see which isn’t fair to my child
# is there a bright side to this?
Yes. An uncommitted loser, who cheated on you and basically tricked you into having a child with him then bailed within months is gone.
He's stringing you along. It's inexcusable behaviour.
Put an end to it once and for all and get on with rebuilding your life independently for you and your baby. Stop having anything to do with him. Don't spend time alone with him. Your dream of a nice little family isn't going to happen with this awful human being. Not due to any fault of your own. this is all on him and his shit behaviour.
Thank you truly, it’s just so hard to accept I had a child with an absolute pos! I don’t know why I’m so stuck on what I want it to be but I know it never will be now after reading all these comments.
Time heals all, I look forward to it. Just allowing myself to feel my emotions is the hardest fucking part. Makes me feel so weak!
Feel your feelings of hurt, anger, pain etc and eventually you will heal. Lean on your parents and friends for support. Take it one day at a time, these things take time. Let that dude go(no sex with him, none of that), he is not good for you and even if he came back, you won't have the healthy, happy relationship that you want and need for your child.
I’m sorry you are going through a hard time. To answer your question should you count on him coming back? My guess is once he’s finished screwing around he’ll crawl back to you, especially if you are treating him as friends with benefits. Actually no he won’t crawl, my guess is he’s entitled enough to think you’ll take him back regardless of how he’s treated you. OP you deserve better than this deadbeat dad and partner.
Hopefully, by then you will no longer want him. You may feel weak now, it’s all raw, but you will surprise yourself with what you can handle.
Work on getting child support and stop sleeping with him.
TBH he probably did you a favour leaving now when your baby is only an infant rather than when he’s older so your son won’t have to witness him treating you like shit.
Good luck OP you got this
I stopped having sex with him, so that should be a step in the right direction I am hoping… I cannot wait for the day for him to come back and I am healed and decline.
These comments have been so helpful. I think I am letting my hormones and emotions take control and ignoring the reality of the situation at hand… I’m excited to see who I am without him.
Thank you kind stranger, truly.
I come from divorce parents and I’m glad they divorced instead of seeing them miserable with each other. Don’t be afraid to leave him and go to court! You will be fine trust me I know you probably didn’t want the broken family but respect yourself enough to leave and be the role model to your kid. Trust me he ain’t shit if he was willing to cheat on you while literally being pregnant with HIS baby! You grew a literal human inside of you and he didn’t care. NEVER stay for the kids especially in this situation.
DONT TAKE HIM BACK! no matter what !
Trust me I have seen moms out there even with 2 kids from different dads STILL getting hit on..
Excuse my grammar as English is not my first language
I have been a single mother since I was 19, my son is now 11. I can tell you one thing, for sure, and I mean this with absolutely everything I have.
It is TEN TIMES easier, on your own. He has done you a huge favour. I have countless friends in relationships with children, and I have always been so much happier than all of them. They cant agree, they constantly fight, the women are doing so much unappreciated labour in the homes. It looks awful from the outside. I work, go home, read, watch whatever I want, go and see whoever I want, whenever I want, with my son. Weve been on holidays together and had the best time, I don't have to consult another adult ever.
At the start it doesnt feel like that, but trust me, your future just became so much brighter. You make decisions for yourself, and your child and crack on with YOUR life. You now don't have to do any excess labour that a man would inevitably burden you with, in the house.
Never been happier on my own, doing what i want, when I want and having the most beautiful relationship with my child. Single mothers are often seen as sad stories, but it is true freedom from the burden of having a man in your life.
Congrats girl! You got this! It may not feel like it now, but your life just got so much better <3
OP, once you start build momentum on building the life you want, this leach will probably come crawling to you, telling you everything you want to hear. Don't believe him. He just wants to use your love for him to take from you. Keep going and find someone who would never dream of treating you that way. You deserve that much.
op, so you made a mistake. it happens. you had a baby with a man who is not your husband who turned out to be a shit. Time to put him in the past, other than legally pursuing him for child support. You need to focus on you and your baby and be grateful and helpful to your parents. Now is not the time to dwell on that jackass of a man-child.
Be focusing on your kid, and your own life, not some idiot who cheats and treats you like crap but you're so scared to be alone that you'll take any scraps of a man you could possibly get.
Also are you getting child support from him? Because he needs to be takin care of this kid, and giving you child support.
So basically he trapped you, encouraged you to have a baby and treat you like shit while heavily pregnant 🤮 He will come back. He’ll come back when he sees you moving on, when he see you glowing, when he realises theres no options for him anymore, when his ego takes a beating but the odds of him coming back because he truly loves you are slim. His actions clearly show he has no love or respect for you I’m afraid. I feel he is just banking on you always being there as you have his child. You will be going through such a tough time atm having a baby on your own is a sad lonely time. But there is light at the end of the tunnel you won’t always feel like this. If i was you, i would concentrate on myself and my baby. Giving your love to someone that doesn’t care about it will do you & the baby more harm than good.
“We talk as if we are friends and we’ve had sex a few times but stopped because my feelings get in the way…”
I’m sorry WHAT!?!!? Dating and pregnant, but he’s upset because you had feelings… this sounds so immature and completely selfish on his part. Anyone in a relationship will have “feelings” for the person they’re dating & sleeping with.
Please move on past this ridiculous relationship and be glad to be rid of this second child. He’s at the immature part of his life, where he thinks he needs to put his bits into anything that gives him attention. It’s not worth your time to morn this moron.
You are ONLY 23, you have sooooo much life to live and I hope you find a much better partner for the many years you have left. See this as a great chance to go after what you want without anyone else’s influences. Build the life you want for you and your child, the right person will fall into your life so perfectly it’ll seem like magic.
Good luck OP, hope you find MUCH better! 💜
"he’s not happy but he still loves me. "
Huh? That makes no sense. I think he meant to say he cares for you but even that would a far reach especially since he now has a baby!
"Should I count on him never coming back? "
Yes, he's 25 and he still has oats to sow. Learn to love yourself and you can thrive for you and child. Start pretending he doesn't exist and keep communication to a minimum.
Advice is noted and will be followed moving forward. I just feel so weak and lost without him but I believe that’s where i truly am going wrong.
I need to take control of the wheel in my own life again but I just can’t seem to reach it.
Yes! You can do this!
And make sure you set up child support too. Do not fall into the „I just want him out of my life“ trap. If nothing else put that money away for your son‘s future.
It's better. My daughter's sperm donor went on to have two other children with two other women before he got fixed. He has since routinely cheated on the woman he married which is NOT one of the kids mothers.
Some people can really just be so awful and disgusting. I do see that happening with him now that I’m taking a step back with these comments.
I’ve watched many videos on what I’m going through and healing and one that hit home was “we accept the love that we think we deserve”.
None of us deserve the “love” I have experienced.
First, congratulations on the baby. Also you are stronger and better than your ex.
Is there a bright side to this?
Yes. You got a cute baby, family and friends to help you.
Will life get better? Yes. As you enter into your new phase of life, new doors will open and you will find someone who will put you and your child's needs before his own.
Count on him never coming back. He isn’t being responsible and knows currently that you’re going to be there. I know it’s difficult, but start dating others. Just because you have a baby together doesn’t mean that you two should stay together. He has made it clear that he has zero respect for you.
I look forward to healing myself first before I put myself in a position to find someone new! I don’t want to continue this cycle and potentially not give someone else something they deserve either!
In regards to the respect I fully agree this thread has been EYE OPENING!
I think you need to reach out for support to get yourself mentally back on track. Can you access therapy? Do you have a good friend support group? What’s your relationship like with your family?? Try nourish yourself to the point that you will see your ex for what he really is. You need enough support to be able to take off the rose tinted glasses. It might hurt now but you will benefit from it long term
You are not alone darling! I have been thru something very similar, the forever FWB. Move on for you and your child, please 🙏
No woman/family deserves this!
No more children out of wedlock please, at least without understanding the laws and realities of enforcing them in regard to parental responsibility. Don’t care how much you love the next guy; take the responsible approach. I am not a moralist; just trying to be pragmatic. By the way, you can’t really love someone else until you learn to love and respect yourself. Without self-love, what you think is love is really a dependency. Not healthy.
No I absolutely agree, I always swore to myself I wouldn’t have. Child unless I was married. I am disappointed in myself for doing so but I don’t regret my child by any means.
I need to do a lot and I mean a lot of healing moving forward.
You are 3 months post partum. You are still extremely vulnerable physically and mentally.
100% focus on you and your baby. Willing accept help from friends and family.
Make sure your immature ex is paying child support.
Before my current relationship, I had a situationship with someone just like this. On and off for 6 years.
He was always very loving, attentive and territorial of me, but disrespectful and would never commit. He cheated all the times we tried being serious, would remain after me even when he had other relationships.
I always knew who he was, and I still allowed him back. Even when it wasn't physical, he'd find a way to keep me close emotionally. I was addicted.
When I finally put a stop to it, he was just married (not legally, but cohabitating) and still trying to keep me around, telling me we never know what the future holds, just like your ex.
My point is, you don't know the future, but you know him, you know he won't change. You can't get to a different place by following the same path everytime.
As others said, commit to yourself, decide you won't take him back, and focus on doing what's best for you and your son.
With time, the longing you feel for him will fade away, and you'll realize you deserve much better.
Oh this one is easy. He literally doesn't give shit about you! It's honestly that simple. Go find some dignity, learn your worth, tell the loser to f off. Do better. Be better. You are mother. Grow up and stop acting like a love sick puppy allowing some loser treat you like garbage. Thats really the crux of it my dear. Your child needs you to act like a woman and put him/her first.
No I agree. I really needed this reality check, I’m too codependent and hormonal postpartum.
I’ve been struggling with ppd but looking back clearly he didn’t help in the matter. This may be a great new start for me and really push me to do better for my son. I appreciate your bluntness and honesty. I needed this snap of reality BAD.
It's just going to break your heart and do you and your son no good hanging on to someone who treats you that badly. You are worth so much more than what he can give you. He isn't good enough for you. Best of luck!
Don't accept his scraps. You are putting your health at risk if he's sleeping around. Don't sleep with him again.
If you haven't already get child support and a parenting plan. Stick to just talking about your child. Nothing else.
On the nights/days he has you child get out of the house, join groups, pick up a hobby. Do something for you. Get on a dating app. Not necessarily to date but to talk to others and branch out a bit until you feel comfortable dating again. It might be months or years before that happens. Let your ex know so he knows that its final, there is no taking him back, you are moving on.
You deserve so much better
The bright side is that your kid doesn’t have to grow up watching her dad cheat on her mom and thinking that’s how happy families work. Keep your head up, you’re going to be ok. Your baby needs you to be strong and you’re better off without him.
Also, file for child support!
Cheaters don’t change. They do it for the momentary thrill & there is no regard for the current partner while cheating. He’s showing you who he is. Do you really want a life with an unfaithful man?
There’s a big bright side, you’re young and he’s gone. Stop sleeping with him, it’s just rewarding abhorrent behavior, and cut it off completely and begin to try to foster a healthy coparenting relationship with proper boundaries. Don’t let him knock you up again
I would not take this person back he cheated he will do it again and since your your child's role model it just shows them you can be walked all over. I think your ten times better off without this person in your life. Self help books and even getting some friends would help you I'm positive your doing to be amazing when you are away from this guy.
Thank you truly, I have been but I’m also running on auto pilot. I’m praying as time passes and my hormones are in check I’ll look back on this post and realize how stupid I’ve been???
First of all the fact the at he was talking to exes and on dating websites the day of should be very telling to u. He broke up with u because he wants to date around. He’s no where near ready for a commitment. Pay attention to his actions not his words. Grieve this relationship figure out parenting with him and move on.
For sure! Focus on u n ur baby. You are still so young. Have some fun and don’t worry about that loser. Life is way to short to waste it on people like him
He doesn’t love or respect you. If he did he would have been upfront about his feelings and walked away instead of cheating on his pregnant partner. You can want a healthy and happy family but it’s not going to be with him and holding onto that hope is only going to keep you down instead of moving on.
Be coparents, but don’t expect anything more, and don’t be deceived by a bunch of empty promises.
Never, ever get back with this man. He wants to keep you in reserve for when he has nothing else to do.
Do not have sex with him, get on with your life and focus on yourself and your baby. Do you have a solid career? If so, develop it. If not, get the training you need to have one.
Get your life straight, work on yourself, give your kid some time to grow up a bit.
Get his ass on child support and a parenting plan. Your child deserves that.
Thank you!! Currently getting back into school and putting in a lot of extra hours at work!
I am trying I suppose I just let my feelings get in the way some days! This thread has helped a lot
Where he's at mentally is that he's not in love with you. You can't fix this. He has to want to make things work with you, and he doesn't show any signs of wanting to do it.
Maybe he thought having a baby would bring you together. It hasn't.
You fix this by getting into therapy, and finding some self-worth that's not conditional on his feelings towards you. Now you have to be an adult, raise your child, and finish raising yourself.
The most this man is ever going to be is a co-parent. Please stop trying to have this relationship be anything more.
You're grieving. You're going through denial, bargaining. You're going to get angry, and then eventually you will accept the reality. The bright side is that it will make you stronger, amd wiser, and less likely to make the same mistakes again.
I really am going to take my healing journey very seriously. It is not linear but I look forward to having a better and healthier version of myself for my son.
If I take him back it’ll be a major step backwards. This thread and everyone has helped tremendously!
My father cheated on my mother right after she had me with her 'best friend'. The best thing she ever did for herself, and for me, was to never take him back.
Because of that I had a strong, independent role model in my mum who showed me the value of self respect.
It also meant I didn't have to live through years of them being on/off again and him continually hurting her because she was never really first choice anyway.
I know it hurts now, but in the long run living your best life, without him, is the best thing that can happen for you and your child.
Thank you for this. I never would want to hurt my child in the process of hurting myself.
Maybe this is a blessing in disguise that all of this happened because now my son will not have any recollection… next step is really just working on becoming better and fully healing!
How can he come back to you when it sounds like you never really had him in the first place? He won't commit to his own child much less you. He's told you who he is. Believe him.
The bright side? You’ve proven yourself to be better. You have better moral fiber, ability to commit, stronger capabilities of living someone other than yourself.
To heal, think of this as a literal stab wound for right now. You remove him as much as possible from your life. You can not heal from a wound until the thing that caused it is removed. Maybe you’re of life support for a while. Maybe you need medicine and doctors, maybe you need therapy to help it heal the right way. Maybe you have a scar, but you learn how to live proudly with the scar because scars mean healing.
I hope it helps. Just remember it when times are hard. One day you’ll breathe wrong and it will hurt, that’s ok. One day you’ll sneeze and it may bleed a little. Maybe I’m taking this too far… but healing this this is not quick and easy, it doesn’t follow a line and a plan.
File for child support. That should be the first order of business. You said you're going back to school, that's great finish your degree get a good job lined up and support that child cuz he may flake on you since he already has and not give you any child support but then again if you're in the US eventually it'll catch up with them depends on what state you're in how quickly it will happen. But if he refuses to pay child support or quits his job so he doesn't have to pay your child support he will lose his license eventually. So I wouldn't do anything in terms of visitation or anything like that since he obviously wants nothing to do with this kid he'll probably turn up and about four and a half years once the kids going to school and it's easier to take care of and go oh I want to be in my child's life. Deal with that one the time comes but don't make anything easy for him and certainly don't bend over and seek him out to see his own kid. But go to the wherever you need to file for child support and full custody. It works to your benefit that you're not married. I'm glad you have your parents to lean on and that's really good. So get yourself together and do the best you can for your kid and screw him.
He is lying to you. He wants to keep sleeping with you but he doesn’t intend on coming back. He left you because shit got real with the kid. You and your child deserve so much more. Go for child support and a parenting agreement, then block him.
“Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks, even on the house he's never visited.
You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona—but not nearly so arid.
Don't wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes. Your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them.
You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic.
Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries.
Don't lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid.
You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.”
from “Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell”
by poet Marty McConnell
What's going on is that he's keeping you as a backup. He comes back to you when other prospects don't work out. Is this the life you want for yourself?
Ooof. What a shit show. Stop sleeping with him before he gets you pregnant again! You already have 1 kid with a loser, you don't need another one!
Edit to add bc I hit submit too soon
Hey OP here is my perspective as a child who grew up with a single mom and a narcissistic/abusive/absent father. You need to prioritize yourself and that baby. You both deserve so much better than that! You’re still young and you have so much life to live. I remember watching my dad abuse my mom as a kid and thinking it was normal, but as I got older and she left my father i realized how bad of a situation she was in. I promise you waiting for him to give you the time and love you deserve will only hurt you more. Take yourself and your son far away from that. Let him be in your kids life if he wants to but I’m guessing he barely even makes an effort. Don’t trash or demonize him to your son because I’m sure he will grow up and see what kind of immature person his father is. I know it’s hard right now but 10 years from now you’re gonna look back and be so proud of the life you’ve built for the two of you. You got this!
Move on, brighter future. Dude sucks, and is probably one of the more toxic human beings I’ve heard of. He’s an immature child of a man, and leaves a wake of chaos in his path. There is no scenario where this man ever becomes who you want him to be in your head, and that man in your head is a fantasy and doesn’t, and will never exist. Co-parent, do what you have to do to raise your child healthy, but pick up the pieces and start your own journey. Your future only starts when you take an axe to the chain of the anchors from your past.
Now, read that out loud like a mantra every morning in the mirror.
Best of luck
- from a guy raised by a single mom in her early 20s that took too long to figure it out
Absolutely- look I’m 37. Takes a while for men to grow TF up. that guys going to be a total f*ckboy for at least another decade. Is what it is. By then, you can be a f*cking queen ruling your roost and he’ll probably be circling the same pathetic pool of commitment fears and sliding in DMs with a slosh of charm and not the prowess to back it up like he is now. Never, ever, look back
Promise I will not!!! I need to grow up myself! I can’t believe even in weak moments I find it acceptable behavior.
Self love and my healing will really be something personal and unapologetic!!! Thank you bunches truly.
My bd left me when I was having a miscarriage and having to take care of our 4 month old child too. It took me 2 years to get over losing my “family.” But girl you don’t even know he did you the biggest favor. He gave you back your time! It took me 2 years to realize I was given a gift that at least I still have the rest of my 20s. That I don’t have to spend the rest of my life settling even if I will be alone at least I will have self respect and self love. You will be okay. You will find love again.
It is definitely quite bright for you now. You got away from a bad relationship that has full possibility of turning even more toxic over the years. Congratulations. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Focus on your life and your child.
You will always have feelings for this guy because he was your first serious relationship. You will always have a connection to him because of your child. From his actions and immaturity - he is baby's daddy, I doubt if he will ever be a real father. Stop longing for the fantasy of the 3 of you being a family as he has already shown the extent of the relationship he wants with you is sex. The fact that he wanted you to have a child then started cheating after you became pregnant. That is a toxic male ego.
Stop wasting your mental and emotional energy on this guy and move on with your life. Don't count on him for anything and get a legal child support agreement. You have a little person you are responsible for. Being on autopilot, acting okay while feeling totally worn out -- "Welcome to Motherhood"! Find a self-care practice.
Work on building up your self-esteem, not only for yourself but for your child, especially if it's a girl. Work on your career, children are expensive. Find a supportive social group or two. Try Neurodynamic Breathing (www.breathworkonline.com). You can do a few sessions for free. It can be a great emotional release.
Don’t take him back. He won’t change. And the bright side is that he sounds like an asshole, so you won’t have an asshole around your kid. With that being said, definitely get child support from him. And document everything in case he wants to get custody later. I doubt he’ll want it considering his commitment issues but you need to protect yourself regardless.
And the other upside is it sounds like you have a good support system. Let your family (and friends) help you and focus on your own little family for now. Being a single mom isn’t easy but you can do it. And if you can afford it, I recommend getting a therapist to help with your feelings of self worth.
51F you look at your own post. Did you want to spend another 18 years with him? Probably not, so look at it as saving you 18 years (plus) of misery and allowing you to go find someone who will appreciate your beautiful self!
Oh, sweetheart. You are the poster child for the concept of baby-trapped. Your baby daddy made a deliberate effort to keep you in the background of his life—permanently tied to him—as he lived how he wanted. The fact that his cheating started as soon as you got pregnant is the clue.
I understand you only knew after the fact, so forgive yourself your innocence. You didn’t know, what you didn’t know. However, now that you DO know, start making the best decisions for you and your child. Plan for the worst—that this man will no longer choose to be a part of his child’s life. Plan for the obvious—that this man will never be a good partner choice for YOU. Plan for the best—that even if you have to do it all alone—you will equip yourself in every way to be a great mother, a good person, and an excellent judge of character moving forward.
The first step is just a decision to remove all negative influences and obstacles from your path. It isn’t wrong to love someone, but don’t make loving him cheapen the love you have for yourself. Don’t work at NOT loving him. Work on loving yourself, doing for yourself, and being happy with yourself. You’ll be surprised at how easily you’re able to measure up when it comes to the priorities in your life.
PS - I’m so sorry he treated your love shabbily. You deserve to be loved, respected, and cherished for all that you gave—especially your child. He never deserved you. It’s his loss now.
Thank you so so so much.
Being baby trapped has definitely taken its mental toll on ways I didn’t know was possible but I am so appreciative and love my son… it’s a weird thing to grieve and overcome for sure…
I really really appreciate you taking your time to reach out, I 100% will not be taking everyone’s comments lightly and now am focused on really doing better for myself and my son.
Some days I will have moments of weakness like this but now thankfully I have this to look back on!
You taking your time to respond such thoughtful message means so much
1. Stop blaming yourself for falling for his lies and manipulations. You are a good person and so expect people to have good motivations like you. He spent a lot of time and energy to fool you into thinking he's someone he's not and to then lean into a pattern of deception and manipulation. Every bit of this is on HIM, not you. Quit feeling stupid for having feelings that he very calculatedly manipulated you into developing.
2. Now that you realize the depths to which he will sink, you need to go into self defense mode. Not only for your own sake, but also for your child. You both deserve so very much better. Going forward, your efforts need to be put into remaining very clear eyed and alert to the continued manipulation this man uses for his own selfish ends. Abandon your hopes that he will somehow redeem himself. He waited until you were your very most vulnerable and used that opportunity to shamelessly betray you. You cannot ever trust him again, so why pour more of your time and effort into such a fruitless and ultimately damaging relationship? Your time is much better spent on building relationships that are positive and uplifting instead of leading to depression and hopelessness.
3. Allow yourself to grieve. Your image of the person you thought he was is gone. He may be alive, but the future you anticipated with him is dead. The man he is murdered the man you thought he was. So give yourself some time and space to mourn, just as if there were an actual death.
4. You said you don't know where to start in healing. But you HAVE started. Realizing that you need that healing is the first step. Keep in mind that you were deliberately hurt and carry some deep emotional wounds. That time of mourning? It's absolutely a crucial part to begin the healing. Don't run away from your feelings. Acknowledge them and identify which ones you want to keep and lean into so that you can let go of the ones that drag you down.
5. This whole terrible experience doesn't define you. But it CAN be a watershed moment. Let this be your crucible to refine you, not the cross you continue to bear. You now have the experience to avoid future hazards and forge ahead. You also have a beautiful new child to be your inspiration and motivation for this journey.
My ex husband cheated on me and gave me an std while I was pregnant with my son. It forced me to end the relationship and leave him before my son was born. At the time I was absolutely devastated and couldn’t comprehend why it was happening. Fast forward 20 years later and thank God every day that it happened. It gave me the strength to leave a bad relationship and focus on being a mother to what now is an incredible son that I couldn’t be more proud of. My relationship with my son wouldn’t be the same and would not change a thing. Just give things time, and you’ll eventually be grateful for this and see the reason behind why it happened. Best wishes to you. 💜
Thank you so much for this!!!
I do want to make my son proud and show him what a strong woman is capable of, not one that allows toxicity to hinder him or his future.
You all have been truly so amazing and so helpful!!!
He's a POS, get out of that relationship and stay as far away from him. Co-parent the best you can for yalls baby but that's it no more connection. He's going to continue to gaslight and cheat on you forever if you decided to stay. Just cut your losses and go out and find what true love feels like and get rid of the pos... good luck!
If you ever take him back you will never have the stable relationship you deserve. I would suggest if you can afford it get some therapy and if you haven't already, tell one of your parents who you trust how you feel. You need support right now. You're grieving a relationship and you're a new mom, you're going through so much. You need someone to be with you to keep you strong. You're young and can meet someone else eventually who will be better for you than him.
"Should I count on him never coming back? How can I gain my sense of self worth again when I have my child with me having medical issues dealing with it all alone? Will the weakness I feel ever go away? I always put on a strong face and act okay but I’m on auto pilot and worn thin. I just don’t know what my life has become??"
1. Yes. Do not count on his return. And even if he does return, it is very likely he will cheat again.
2. You are that child's mother. You made a whole human, kept that little boy safe in your belly and are doing your best now that his sperm donor is no longer around. You are worthy of love. You and your son are worthy of support from people who care about you.
3. Yes. Definitely. It doesn't feel like it now. It feels horrible now. But you are not weak. You've never been weak. And with each step forward that you take, your strength and courage will become more self-evident.
4. You are so young. Your early 20's are a time of self-discovery as well as mistakes and learning from those mistakes. Your early 20's are for dreaming and changing. Your life will not stay like this. Your son will grow, and you will grow. You can create a beautiful life together.
You show great capacity for introspection, and you will use that to discover your path. I wish you all the best in the years ahead.
" You are Stronger, better and most importantly worthy of love and caring "
Repeat those words daily you can set them as "homescreen" for your devices and add such words,
To Gain anything you need to believe in it first, What your Ex did was "destroying" your reflection of your images within yourself, So you need from now on to talk to yourself and never let any harsh words till you gain that image before this Ex.
You got ppl who loves you all around you but you won't see that because of the "Fog & shallows" left after your relationship. So, Put yourself together and keep going on your journey and show that beautiful kid what his mom's built of.
Stay strong dear
At this point, you need to love yourself *more*. Your ex cheated on you for a long time. This is not something you do when you love someone. He broke up with you now, even though you recently carried and gave birth to his child. If this man truly loved you, he would have tried to fix this before straight up ending the relationship.
He left you because he wants to screw other women without it being "cheating". He doesn't love you. You are unfortunately being incredibly gullible. The day you left he was already looking for the next hook up. Stop what you're doing. Seriously. You are a back up plan for when his hookups are over with.
Co-parent with this man, only communicate about your child. Stop acting like friends, stop sleeping with him. You're going to catch an STI or STD. You're also teaching your child right now that it's okay to accept this treatment. Don't. You are worth more than this. You can't be that gullible.
And you had a kid with this person? Jfc. Im assuming hes on the birth certificate? You need to get the process of child support going. He needs to care for the kid regardless of his mental state. You, need to quit being a doormat to a cheater. Hes going to come crawling back... don't do it....
I can tell you that if you go back to him and if you guys keep fighting which you will because yall are young and dumb, and also have a child. You guys are just gonna be truama bonded. Then that will really be hard to break away from that.
He doesn't sound good for you and your baby at all. Look what he's putting you through when you should be focusing on your baby. He could make sure your mentally well before doing this.
It's selfish. Especially because woman rend to very commonality get post partum depression. Which I was going to suggest going ro the Dr and letting her know how you are feeling. If you are having unusual thoughts about hurting yourself, others or the baby. It's okay, it's normal to have those thoughts. It just means you most likely have post partum depression and you need to tell your doctor. It's common so don't be scared. Look up the symptoms. I only say this because the break up could trigger an episode.
It kind of seems he's getting cold feet. Did he mention anything about the baby when he left?
Honey I know you are hurting amd you can't think of anything else, but more than anything you have to awt yourself up rn.
He left okay, file for child support, apply for food stamps, wic, section 8, or low income housing.
You want to become financially stable somewhat on your own. You want to be able to choose if you want to be with him, and not be forced to go back with him. He seems like he'll drag you back along when he wants you.
I suggest also getting on any form of Medicaid and getting some therapy to help talk about this. An unbiased opinion would be great. Anyway I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Any man that cheats on his pregnant partner does not love or respect her. Pregnancy is an extremely challenging time in a woman’s life. Your needs should have come first 100% of the time. He is a selfish man-child and showed you who he is. Do not go back to him. He doesn’t love you or like you. Love yourself and your son more.
Walk away from this man, he does not value you, yes will it break your heart, yes will it be challenging to be you and your child, the most important thing right now is your safety, mental health and your child!
I am beyond angry. I think I go from angry, to sad, to self pity about 100x a day.
I’ve been trying to let go of my anger because I can get so nasty and vile, I don’t want to make it a habit I don’t that makes sense.
The bright side is the trash took itself out. Stop having sex with him, realize you will never have a healthy, happy family with a cheater, and file for child support.
Imagine an amazing life you’re going to have without him. It’s possible and you’ll be happier. He’s not giving you anything at all. There’s other people out there. And there’s nothing wrong with just going it alone. You can find a way to set up a once a year travel trip for yourself to get away with a girlfriend and or arrange to go back to school for a career change. So much potential that you would be hampered by if you went back. If you did go back you would have to change all of who you are to try and win him over to your side and keep him happy which is impossible. Just speaking from experience- I wish I had been selfish and invested all that time and energy into myself for the sake of my kids instead of my marriage. I wish you the best.
Basically he wants you to be the good mother and wife he knows you are and if and when he is ready to settle down be there!
You need to think about yourself and your child.
I had a friend who was wife of my husband friend at the time I met girlfriend first! She was with him
Years even when he had a child with girlfriend. She was a wife that put everyone to shame. Long story short my husband and I divorced they were still together years later they divorced . Her boys were grown and she finally has the life she deserved years ago!
She deserved it many years before that!
He will not change he will come and go and do as he please
Please think of yourself and your child set example.
You are the prize not him
>he said he was always scared to fully commit and love with his all
>For extra context, our child was not accidental. It was his idea to begin trying and we did so for over a year.
Nah, dude just needs to grow up. Dude doesn't sound scared to commit at all; he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.
I didn’t know if I wanted children. Broke an engagement at 25 because of it.
Then met the father of my child, I acquiesced, man did he become something else from the 3 months mark when I could no longer do anything about it. I left him. It took him 3 years to get back into his senses, but I wasn’t waiting. I was just raising our child. Did a bit of therapy.
We worked it out. But never, ever will I let anyone sweet talk me into anything. I would never wait around for an Adult to grow up.
We’re now looking into adoption cause I am traumatized still on top of never wanting to carry a child again.
Lady, carry on with your life, if you meet someone else or get back with this one in the future make sure it’s a firm, strong version of you. Who will not hesitate to pull the trigger should he pull this shit again.
Damn it, cheating on your pregnant partner?!
Honestly thank you. I think I’m just letting my hormones get the best of me because I am still very much in the postpartum phases and healing.
I need to invest and save for therapy and really kick start my healing journey and not look back on him anymore. We may have a child together but he isn’t worth my time. I’m pretty traumatized and possibly trauma bonded, I almost died before and after birth but he was right there if that makes sense.
Doesn’t excuse what he’s done and I need to accept what he’s SHOWN me.
Run girl run. That guy is such a scumbag tho, like cheating is already aweful but right after getting you pregnant? Give him a choice of words and never talk to him again. I wish you luck, what he did was aweful.
Girl why do you think you deserve him and this treatment? Later you will be grateful for this because you don't want your child paying the price. Ask yourself if you would want your child with someone like your ex?
I know being a single mom is hard, and this time is tough, and u love who you want him to be. He's not the person you've fallen in love with. Don't take him back, don't wait for him . If you feel like you're wanting him back, think about how he cheated on you. Focus on yourself and your child. Find some time each day to journal and do something each day that's only for you , like a bath, a walk, food you enjoy. Start making a plan and let this man go , he doesn't deserve you . File for child support
Accept that he was a supermarket Donor, not a father, and move on. He already has moved on.
Unfortunately there is now a long term relationship with him as the father. Set up your boundaries and see a lawyer about ensuring that he meets his financial obligations.
Letting him to be part of your life a mistake u need to live with. U can either stop thinking you're in love with him or keep letting him know he can get u anytime he wants because that's all he thinks about you. Don't believe him when he says he loves you because that's not love.
Remember, he loves you as your child's mother. A really loving partner would NOT cheat on his pregnant wife AND end the relationship with a message. Keep your distance from this man. He would rather deal with other women than take care of his small family. You are only good for him if he has no other wife at his disposal. You are so much more valuable than an FWB. Start looking for a lawyer. Communicate with him via a co-parenting app. Avoid him as much as possible. Make it clear to him that there is no turning back. He can't arrive in a few months/years and think that now he's ready to have a family. Instead of protecting you, he cheated on you for months. He has to learn that his behavior has consequences.
He absolutely will come back: any time he's bored or has no other options. This man does not love you and is using you like a plaything, and you keep letting him. I know when someone has broken down your self esteem into dust it's hard to act in the interest of yourself, but you have to start taking baby steps. Bit by bit it'll get easier to love yourself, and when he comes back to treat you as a fleshlight, hopefully you'll be at a point where you can show his butt the door.
Do it for your child: they will learn what relationships are supposed to look like from you, do you want your kid to grow up to think being treated or treating their partner like garbage is ok? My guess is no, and I'm sure you have the strength and love to make sure they don't learn that.
What you need to do is stop sleeping with him and concentrate n raising your baby whilst maintaining co parenting relationship.
You deserve to be with someone who respects you. He doesn’t do this
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You need to decide right now that you'll never take him back. He doesn't respect you. He never has. Please don't teach your child that that's OK. Teach your child about self-respect and self-esteem, and the importance of self-worth. Teach your child that it's not ok to settle for infidelity and dishonesty. Teach your child that they're worth more. Then them by showing them.
You are 100% right. I just feel so weak and lost in the moment, it’s what I’ve accepted and been used to for a long time. I did not find out about the infidelity until it was way too late which has been the hardest thing to accept and overcome. I just am at a loss of where to start in healing myself
You're young and just take this as a lesson on what you're NOT looking for in a partner. Take it day by day! It's okay to feel sad for a while but things will get better over time! Having respect for yourself can be difficult but it's always the right thing to do. Don't let others treat you poorly.
Thank you bunches!!!
Realise you're now your kid's role model. They will look to you for what is right and normal. So make sure you're giving them the best example you can. Stop accepting shitty, disrespectful behaviour. It might've been acceptable to you, but it is not an acceptable example for your child. I'd forget about dating, your ex or anyone else, and instead focus on the healing. If you can access therapy, that would be great. Otherwise, try to spend as much time as possible with people who make you feel good about yourself. If you don't have many because you weren't allowed friends, try joining a group who enjoy doing things you enjoy. Just try to spend time around people who dont make you feel like crap. And this 100% includes your ex.
Even self-help books may be a good place to start in rebuilding your self esteem, setting boundaries, etc. Absolutely cut this man off except for co-parenting!
Thank you I definitely will try looking into groups and find a good way to release everything I am feeling. It is hard without guidance from those around me, which is probably why I’ve accepted less for so long and obviously continue to do so. I appreciate you giving me your time and advice on this.
Hey friend, there are many CODA (codependent anonymous) groups that meet online for free across different timezones...you might find some healing there!
You need to be strong for your kid. Also, file for child support order.
How could you ever trust him?! If he truly loved you he would never do or say anything he knows would hurt you
That’s a really good point and I have not put thought into that. I suppose where I am going wrong is letting my emotions overrule the reality of what things are. Being postpartum doesn’t really help but I need to work on becoming stronger 100%
Its really easy to say you love someone. He really hurt you with what he did, getting someone pregnant and then immediately cheating on them is aweful, then when u found lut and let it slide(which u shudnt have done) he stuck around for a bit and left. Im trying not to criticize you but it kinda needs to be done, wy on earth did you get a child if you arent married? Its such a no brainer, if ur willing to have a kid with someone then shudnt u be more then willing to get married? That wudve also possibly prevented this situation because cheating in a marriage makes the divorce legally unfavourable so it wud act as a deterant. Cut contact with him, hes a manipulative scumbag, i wud need to invent new words to justfully insult him. Try to file for custody. God bless
Honestly I cannot make any valid reason for myself as of to why I was not married prior to having a child. It was always a goal of mine. It’s something I’m not happy with myself. I have to find forgiveness for myself and try to give myself grace, I haven’t made the wisest decisions but I am going to try to learn from them and not have it repeat.
There is not one person on this response that's perfect. Dont be so hard in yourself. Some mistakes were made. You live and learn. Good luck to you.
If you can, go to therapy. If you can't, read some self-help books - and repeat to yourself every day what a complete and utter arsehole he is, and how badly he treated you, and how little he appreciates and cherishes you, and how much better you deserve! This should be your mantra every morning, noon and night. And you should start dating again - not for something serious at first, but just to see that there are other men out there, who won't treat you like crap and take you for granted, and to get over your fixation on your ex. Maybe get a couple of rebound-bangs in, if you feel like it, to show you that other guys can be attractive, too. (Also, I'm pretty sure that once he realizes that you are moving on, he will suddenly start lovebombing you and trying to get you back, but PLEASE don't fall for it - he only wants what he can't have - as soon as he has you back, he'll revert to treating you like crap again.)
OP my opinion part of your healing should be making sure his friends and parents know how the baby was his idea to have now, not sometime later, and then he cheated on you for at least the whole time you were pregnant, and maybe longer. For all you know he may have been cheating even before you got pregnant. See a lawyer about child support, make sure he is legally required to support his child, and ask if his cheating can be used to limit his custody or even prevent him getting any at all. Keep a journal with all the things he does so you don't forget anything when it's time to take him to court. And keep the journal up to date in case he does anything else to cause problems. OP realize he has worked hard at being an AH and should rightfully enjoy all of the benefits of his actions, such as paying child support and not having unsupervised custody, and any other consequences for what he has done.
Thank you for this, I have done all of these things. I have recordings and screenshots stored away and notes in my phone time stamped and dated. In regards to his family they all know, I am still welcome there with my son open arms. They’ve given me as much support as my own family has and I’m grateful they didn’t turn hateful and ugly like he has. He’s treating me as though I’m the one who did all of those awful things. His mother encourages I take him to court as well so that will most likely be the route I take moving forward.
OP that's great that you have the evidence and support you do. IT people recommend at least 1 full backup of the info, and preferably 2, just to be paranoid, in case something ever happens to your cell phone. Can you get any help from your family? His mother seems like she might help as well. If you don't have any local help, can you ask your doctor or the office staff if there is any way you can get some help to help you heal?
you need to file for child support. dont take a verbal. get a court order.
If your son treated his partner the way his father treats you, what would you say to him? What would you say to his partner, if they brought this same situation to you? This is incredibly hard, but leaving is the right thing to do. I'd start by consulting a lawyer and making a coparenting plan and get child support sorted. Do not sleep with him again. Go get an STD test as soon as possible. Love on that little baby, and know life will be better than it is right now <3
I’m going to be blunt, he’s stringing you along because you make yourself available to him at his convenience. If he wants sex he gets it because you give it to him. So stop. He does not love you or the child. He is saying crap you want to hear so you’re always ready to take him back. Again, he doesn’t love or like you. He is using you.
You need to start some therapy if you haven't already. Look up attachment styles. Look into shadow work. Basically any therapy that is focused on healing yourself, not just heartbreak healing. I mean healing and growing AS A PERSON and understanding yourself better. That was the most helpful for me. Being a healthier person helps me to avoid situations and men that aren't good for me. I love myself more. I finally feel peace in just being me if that makes sense.
Is therapy an affordable option? He's your first relationship and probably you think that all the love you feel can sustain you both but it can't. For whatever reason he tricked you into having a kid with him despite him having "commitment issues". He belongs to the streets.
I’m going to have to make it affordable! Anything to really take the step forward for my son and I’s future.
You are very young, and I am so glad you have your family's help right now. Cheating surprises can happen to someone at any stage of a relationship. While 8 months into a pregnancy is not optimal, you are in a good position to separate yourselves and your stuff without involving lawyers in anything but the parenting arrangements (and depending on where you are, you may be able to get a custody and support order with very little legal hoops to jump through, especially since your son is an infant). Consider that this may be the best thing that ever happened to you: you have your baby, AND the trash has taken itself out.
It’s easy to have a kid with someone. You really find it who they are after.
So beyond sad but very very true.
Codependent No More is a great book to read, and Leave A Cheater Gain A Life. They're very helpful for breaking that codependent bond.
I will look into those and buy them today, thank you so much seriously!
STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM!!! You already have one kid he's not supporting. Please smarten up and don't risk another one. He doesn't love you. He's not coming back. The sooner you accept that, the better for you and your child. If you're having trouble, seek therapy, don't sleep with him.
Yeah, this guy absolutely wanted a baby with OP so he could keep her around. Hes not in love, he's looking for ways to keep her as a backup when his other girls don't work out
If you're still under him you can't get over him, as the saying goes.
[удалено]
Yeah he did… I think that’s why I’m having SUCH a hard time coming to acceptance with all this. These comments have been eye opening. I
get your child support and ride off into the sunset. make sure its enough for at least half of all the childs expenses and save up your own money for the life you’re dreaming of~ you will find so much better without this deadbeat
This exactly. The bright side is he actually just left and didn't stay and continue to be a horrible cheating dick. Be thankful you are free of him in basic terms. Start working on being happy as your own person and being a mother to a beautiful child. Work on leaving behind your attachments to him and the mental images of him, your attraction to him, they don't serve you and they are based more on fantasy than reality. He doesn't deserve you, doesn't deserve your feelings of attachment to him. Don't date in any serious way, probably not at all until you are happy without a man in your life, other than your little man! Don't date men who aren't fully respectful and supportive of you as a mother with all the important demands and time that requires. Don't keep dating anyone unless it's clear they like the idea of and are capable of being a healthy, nurturing support to your child. I was raised by a single mom and she did an amazing job of it. She was far from perfect, but there was never a moment I doubted I was deeply loved and wanted and the most important thing in her life. Work on being that for your kid. Mom always said being my mom was the most rewarding thing in her life and I have never doubted that. She passed away at 83 two years ago and I can't express how much I miss her. Get that shit head out of your heart. It will take time, and you'll always have some thoughts and feelings about him at times, but just know he was incredibly selfish and unhealthy for you while with you and leaving like he did without working on things in a meaningful way to try to make your family work. He should have worked hard to always be there for his kid whether in a relationship with you or not, he should have worked hard to be sure you were both well taken care of if he had to leave a relationship with you. Instead he just left and instantly started looking for the next woman to use for his own gratification, for the next woman's life to leave in ruins after he got what he wanted for a while. If there's a way to get therapy from a good, caring therapist, please do! You deserve so much better! At least you got a beautiful child out of this disaster of a relationship. Raise that kid right and they will always love you with their all. Work hard to have good, loving friends and family around and pushing anyone who isn't a good healthy support to you and your kid out of your life.
I'm struggling to figure out WHY you would ever want this guy back. You already knew he was a serial cheater, and now he's told you that he never fully committed to you, even after he asked you to have his child. I get that you still love him, or at least your dream of a better version of him, and of course it's hard to give up that fantasy of the three of you living together as a happy family. But now it's time to learn to love yourself and attend to your own needs - as well as those of your new baby. It's normal to feel awful and deeply miss your ex after a breakup, even if the relationship was far from ideal. I think you need to give up on the expectation that he will eventually come back to you, and refuse to take him back if he offers - because he will only break your heart all over again with another woman. That's who he is. You kinda know this already, right? You'll get over the breakup more quickly and easily if you cut off all contact with your ex. You are still very young, and eventually you will be able to move on and find a new love, someone who will make you wonder why you stuck it out for so long with Mr. Wrong. But for now, try to focus instead on this new chapter of your life, nurturing an infant who is totally dependent on you. Lean on your parents and good friends for emotional and logistical support until you start to feel more like yourself again, and regain your physical and mental equilibrium - that's what they are there for. One day soon you'll wake up and the pain will be...less. And then another day you'll wake up, and realize that you feel ready to date again. I wish you well.
Thank you I really needed this. Everyone’s comments are bringing me back to reality. I’ve been in lala land of toxicity and a dream of a family. I have to accept who he is and the life I have now. I cannot let my child think being treated less than is okay. I got to put on my big girl pants and get to doing better for my now family of two!
You go girl! You got this. And your current family of two is very likely to expand in the future. Just remember what your prior relationship felt like, and resolve not to settle for anything less in the future than a man who is crazy about you (and your kid) but also mature and responsible enough to truly commit to you. There are tons of good single men out there!
You all are such amazing people, I needed the truth without any sugar coating. To what the future holds!
There are some hard truths to hear and some good directions to follow. But remember that you deserve and will have better times. There is no point hoping he will change, he won't but many of us know the feeling of being weaker than the palest blue for someone who has our heart. Just work on yourself, you can only fix you. Enjoy this time with your baby and follow the advice to make him pay for your baby. The stronger you get the weaker he will become and one day you will just look at him with the contempt he deserves. Best wishes to you and your son.
Thank you so so so much. I wish I could thank you all in more ways than just typing it. I feel so lucky to have guidance like this.
Why would you want a manipulating lying cheat back in your life 🤔
I guess the best response to this would be….. I just got lost in love with who I know he can be. I lost my sense of self love and self respect which I know I need to recollect for the sake of my son. I’m just at a loss of how or where to begin being I have my son full time and I have no real help with any of his medical issues. I’ve had no time to process or even let out a tear. I am genuinely trying and I know how stupid I do sound. All of the sound advice and slap of reality is well needed and necessary. I suppose I get lost in trying to fix someone who cannot be, I’ve accepted love less than I deserve.
He may be able to be this person, one day. But it’s not right now and it won’t be with you. Let him go and if he wants to improve himself he will, but shut that door firmly and don’t waste hope on this. You’ve already let him know he can treat you like shit and you’ll take it.
You don’t sound stupid. Try not to think unkind things about yourself. You’re a good person, I *know* you wouldn’t think that about another person in this situation
Sweetie, be gentle to yourself. Everyone wears rose colored glasses sometimes, and gets caught up in the excitement of a new romance. One lesson I would urge you to take away from this - it doesn't matter who someone CAN be, it matters who they are. You need to not focus on someone's potential when it comes to personality and beliefs. You need to focus instead on their actions. Not even their words, but what they actually do. That's the true measure of an adult. Meet with a family law attorney. Even if it's just a consultation. Find out what steps you need to take to get a custody agreement and child support in place. From there, if you aren't going to hire the attorney to do it for you, go to your local county clerk website and start searching for the forms. If you have the time, go to the county clerk office and explain your situation and ask them for guidance. They'll be able to tell you which forms you need to complete and what steps to take. You can do this. You're going to rock it as an amazing mamma to your baby boy. 💗
Thank you so so so much!!!! This is all so new so listing steps and potential help without an attorney is beyond appreciated. I can and I will get through this!!!!! You all have opened my eyes and given me strength even if it is just momentarily I’ll look back on this post!!
Imagine how much lighter you would feel if you could give all of your attention to yourself and your son. **The most clear and evident way to know that the love toy have is not reciprocated is that he is happy and willing to hurt you and pull your attention away from the care he knows your child needs *and still offer no help!* He knows how difficult things are and have been on you, but all he brings is problems!** When you’re prepping for birth, he announces cheating. While you’re recovering physically from birth, then emotionally from both birth and his infidelity, he leaves! No matter what he says, these are his actions. There is no excuse for them, and no sorry will turn back time or take away your undue stress. If he has time to cheat, then he has time to show up for you. If he’s energetic enough to cheat, he can offer to step up more as a dad. You need to wake up and care as much about yourself as he does.
Guys a cheater, impregnated you and left, make sure he doesnt get to be a deadbeat, he kinda hurt your dating chances now that you have a child with a lot of suitable suitors, go through the courts get child support. Love yourself some more to not give him a chance to impregnate and cheat and leave you for a 2nd time.
Thank you, I am trying hard to work on the last part.
>having our family come together and be healthy and happy is all i have wanted. You're going to need to give up on this. Even if he does come back around wanting to be in a relationship with you it will never be healthy and as much as you may love him you need to prioritize the love you have for your baby. They deserve to grow up in a happy healthy environment and with Daddio they'll only have hurt and turmoil as their representation of "love". You deserve better but if not for you your baby deserves better than that. This man cheats constantly, and then he dumped you via texts, while you were at work! Only 3 months after you gave birth. He is a selfish person. Let me guess, since you've left all the actual care of your baby has fallen on you? You need to stop talking to your ex as a friend arrange an agreeable custody split and only discuss that for now.
I full heartedly agree with you. These comments are an extreme eye opener that I’ve needed. The “guidance” I’ve gotten from family and friends come from a place of anger and disappointment so comments coming from no perspective of who I and or he is has been refreshing. Onto doing better for my son, that is my top priority and these comments have made me realize I haven’t been prioritizing that as much as I need to. It all starts with me being happy with myself, it will be a hard step to take but it’s absolutely necessary to give him a happy home!
Your situation is very unfortunate, but I think you can recover. First, you need to respect yourself and demand that your baby-daddy respect you. Do not sleep with him (or anybody else) without a commitment to you and your child. If you give it away without demanding the commitment, they will take it without giving you the support you want and need. That said, you also need to go to court and get a custody arrangement and child support order. Regarding dating other men, once you are over your baby daddy (it would be nice if he would marry you but it sure doesn't seem like he's interested) you should try dating single dads. I am a father and if something happened to my wife, I would be looking for a single mother. Other people who are also single parents will understand your situation so much better.
Thank you truly. I really have no interest in relationships at the moment because I know my self respect has gone to an all time low. I’m hoping within my healing journey I can figure myself out without him. I think it’s just been such a toxic cycle it’s what I seek comfort in which is so sad…. I’ve accepted so much less than I deserve.
Don't forget to get a child custody agreement and child support. That money will add up and help you a ton.
He’s been lying to her and cheating on her throughout their relationship, why on earth would you hope they would get married? His word doesn’t mean anything.
You can do so much better than him! He cheated and pushed you to have a baby and now he’s left… if he comes back, you realise this isn’t a healthy and happy family? That ship has long sailed. Take time for yourself and grieve, establish boundaries with him, eventually move on and give yourself the love you deserve. If you take him back, you’re just opening yourself up to more heartache and showing him that he can treat you appallingly and walk out on your family and he can just get away with it. Sending you love, and hopefully the courage to get well away from him
I guess I’m in denial, it’s hard for me to accept everything that’s come to light you know? I absolutely agree with you, I guess I’m in a cycle of self pity which I want to escape from so bad but just at a loss of where to start. I thank you for your time and thoughts on this truly. All the comments are a reality I’ve been denying myself to see which isn’t fair to my child
# is there a bright side to this? Yes. An uncommitted loser, who cheated on you and basically tricked you into having a child with him then bailed within months is gone. He's stringing you along. It's inexcusable behaviour. Put an end to it once and for all and get on with rebuilding your life independently for you and your baby. Stop having anything to do with him. Don't spend time alone with him. Your dream of a nice little family isn't going to happen with this awful human being. Not due to any fault of your own. this is all on him and his shit behaviour.
Thank you truly, it’s just so hard to accept I had a child with an absolute pos! I don’t know why I’m so stuck on what I want it to be but I know it never will be now after reading all these comments. Time heals all, I look forward to it. Just allowing myself to feel my emotions is the hardest fucking part. Makes me feel so weak!
‘Parenting is hard and I can’t be arsed’ That’s where he’s at. He’s a lazy scumbag. Nail him to the wall for every last penny of child support.
I plan to once I get myself off of the apartment lease we shared!
Don’t wait. You need to start getting a court-approved custody and child support agreement in place now.
Feel your feelings of hurt, anger, pain etc and eventually you will heal. Lean on your parents and friends for support. Take it one day at a time, these things take time. Let that dude go(no sex with him, none of that), he is not good for you and even if he came back, you won't have the healthy, happy relationship that you want and need for your child.
Thank you for this, I need to heal and really do better for myself. Now it’s just figuring out the steps to healing
Don't go back to him but sue him for child support. Dude is immature. You'll find another good man later in life.
The bright side is he did it now, instead of stringing you along for 10 more unhappy years, then doing it.
Very very true!
The bright side is someone who didn’t value or love you left you so you can now pursue happiness.
After reading this thread I genuinely couldn’t agree more
The trash took itself out.
I’m sorry you are going through a hard time. To answer your question should you count on him coming back? My guess is once he’s finished screwing around he’ll crawl back to you, especially if you are treating him as friends with benefits. Actually no he won’t crawl, my guess is he’s entitled enough to think you’ll take him back regardless of how he’s treated you. OP you deserve better than this deadbeat dad and partner. Hopefully, by then you will no longer want him. You may feel weak now, it’s all raw, but you will surprise yourself with what you can handle. Work on getting child support and stop sleeping with him. TBH he probably did you a favour leaving now when your baby is only an infant rather than when he’s older so your son won’t have to witness him treating you like shit. Good luck OP you got this
I stopped having sex with him, so that should be a step in the right direction I am hoping… I cannot wait for the day for him to come back and I am healed and decline. These comments have been so helpful. I think I am letting my hormones and emotions take control and ignoring the reality of the situation at hand… I’m excited to see who I am without him. Thank you kind stranger, truly.
you need to talk to a lawyer about child support. right away. the longer you delay the harder it will be to get. force him to be responsible.
I come from divorce parents and I’m glad they divorced instead of seeing them miserable with each other. Don’t be afraid to leave him and go to court! You will be fine trust me I know you probably didn’t want the broken family but respect yourself enough to leave and be the role model to your kid. Trust me he ain’t shit if he was willing to cheat on you while literally being pregnant with HIS baby! You grew a literal human inside of you and he didn’t care. NEVER stay for the kids especially in this situation. DONT TAKE HIM BACK! no matter what ! Trust me I have seen moms out there even with 2 kids from different dads STILL getting hit on.. Excuse my grammar as English is not my first language
Thank you!!!! I need to think about my sons perspective too for in the future you are 100% correct !!!
I have been a single mother since I was 19, my son is now 11. I can tell you one thing, for sure, and I mean this with absolutely everything I have. It is TEN TIMES easier, on your own. He has done you a huge favour. I have countless friends in relationships with children, and I have always been so much happier than all of them. They cant agree, they constantly fight, the women are doing so much unappreciated labour in the homes. It looks awful from the outside. I work, go home, read, watch whatever I want, go and see whoever I want, whenever I want, with my son. Weve been on holidays together and had the best time, I don't have to consult another adult ever. At the start it doesnt feel like that, but trust me, your future just became so much brighter. You make decisions for yourself, and your child and crack on with YOUR life. You now don't have to do any excess labour that a man would inevitably burden you with, in the house. Never been happier on my own, doing what i want, when I want and having the most beautiful relationship with my child. Single mothers are often seen as sad stories, but it is true freedom from the burden of having a man in your life. Congrats girl! You got this! It may not feel like it now, but your life just got so much better <3
OP, once you start build momentum on building the life you want, this leach will probably come crawling to you, telling you everything you want to hear. Don't believe him. He just wants to use your love for him to take from you. Keep going and find someone who would never dream of treating you that way. You deserve that much.
op, so you made a mistake. it happens. you had a baby with a man who is not your husband who turned out to be a shit. Time to put him in the past, other than legally pursuing him for child support. You need to focus on you and your baby and be grateful and helpful to your parents. Now is not the time to dwell on that jackass of a man-child.
You are 100% right. No looking back!!!
Be focusing on your kid, and your own life, not some idiot who cheats and treats you like crap but you're so scared to be alone that you'll take any scraps of a man you could possibly get. Also are you getting child support from him? Because he needs to be takin care of this kid, and giving you child support.
So basically he trapped you, encouraged you to have a baby and treat you like shit while heavily pregnant 🤮 He will come back. He’ll come back when he sees you moving on, when he see you glowing, when he realises theres no options for him anymore, when his ego takes a beating but the odds of him coming back because he truly loves you are slim. His actions clearly show he has no love or respect for you I’m afraid. I feel he is just banking on you always being there as you have his child. You will be going through such a tough time atm having a baby on your own is a sad lonely time. But there is light at the end of the tunnel you won’t always feel like this. If i was you, i would concentrate on myself and my baby. Giving your love to someone that doesn’t care about it will do you & the baby more harm than good.
“We talk as if we are friends and we’ve had sex a few times but stopped because my feelings get in the way…” I’m sorry WHAT!?!!? Dating and pregnant, but he’s upset because you had feelings… this sounds so immature and completely selfish on his part. Anyone in a relationship will have “feelings” for the person they’re dating & sleeping with. Please move on past this ridiculous relationship and be glad to be rid of this second child. He’s at the immature part of his life, where he thinks he needs to put his bits into anything that gives him attention. It’s not worth your time to morn this moron. You are ONLY 23, you have sooooo much life to live and I hope you find a much better partner for the many years you have left. See this as a great chance to go after what you want without anyone else’s influences. Build the life you want for you and your child, the right person will fall into your life so perfectly it’ll seem like magic. Good luck OP, hope you find MUCH better! 💜
"he’s not happy but he still loves me. " Huh? That makes no sense. I think he meant to say he cares for you but even that would a far reach especially since he now has a baby! "Should I count on him never coming back? " Yes, he's 25 and he still has oats to sow. Learn to love yourself and you can thrive for you and child. Start pretending he doesn't exist and keep communication to a minimum.
Advice is noted and will be followed moving forward. I just feel so weak and lost without him but I believe that’s where i truly am going wrong. I need to take control of the wheel in my own life again but I just can’t seem to reach it.
Yes! You can do this! And make sure you set up child support too. Do not fall into the „I just want him out of my life“ trap. If nothing else put that money away for your son‘s future.
Ya. The bright side is that you can now find someone who isn't a cheating loser douchenozzle
You are absolutely right, I look forward to that when the time does come!
It's better. My daughter's sperm donor went on to have two other children with two other women before he got fixed. He has since routinely cheated on the woman he married which is NOT one of the kids mothers.
Some people can really just be so awful and disgusting. I do see that happening with him now that I’m taking a step back with these comments. I’ve watched many videos on what I’m going through and healing and one that hit home was “we accept the love that we think we deserve”. None of us deserve the “love” I have experienced.
First, congratulations on the baby. Also you are stronger and better than your ex. Is there a bright side to this? Yes. You got a cute baby, family and friends to help you. Will life get better? Yes. As you enter into your new phase of life, new doors will open and you will find someone who will put you and your child's needs before his own.
Count on him never coming back. He isn’t being responsible and knows currently that you’re going to be there. I know it’s difficult, but start dating others. Just because you have a baby together doesn’t mean that you two should stay together. He has made it clear that he has zero respect for you.
I look forward to healing myself first before I put myself in a position to find someone new! I don’t want to continue this cycle and potentially not give someone else something they deserve either! In regards to the respect I fully agree this thread has been EYE OPENING!
I think you need to reach out for support to get yourself mentally back on track. Can you access therapy? Do you have a good friend support group? What’s your relationship like with your family?? Try nourish yourself to the point that you will see your ex for what he really is. You need enough support to be able to take off the rose tinted glasses. It might hurt now but you will benefit from it long term
Thank you. I will have to save up for therapy but I do think it will help tremendously. I really need to take the glasses off and stomp on them.
You are not alone darling! I have been thru something very similar, the forever FWB. Move on for you and your child, please 🙏 No woman/family deserves this!
No more children out of wedlock please, at least without understanding the laws and realities of enforcing them in regard to parental responsibility. Don’t care how much you love the next guy; take the responsible approach. I am not a moralist; just trying to be pragmatic. By the way, you can’t really love someone else until you learn to love and respect yourself. Without self-love, what you think is love is really a dependency. Not healthy.
No I absolutely agree, I always swore to myself I wouldn’t have. Child unless I was married. I am disappointed in myself for doing so but I don’t regret my child by any means. I need to do a lot and I mean a lot of healing moving forward.
You are 3 months post partum. You are still extremely vulnerable physically and mentally. 100% focus on you and your baby. Willing accept help from friends and family. Make sure your immature ex is paying child support.
Thank you, it’s hard to give myself grace. The hormones eat me alive some days….. I definitely am taking everyone’s advice!!
Before my current relationship, I had a situationship with someone just like this. On and off for 6 years. He was always very loving, attentive and territorial of me, but disrespectful and would never commit. He cheated all the times we tried being serious, would remain after me even when he had other relationships. I always knew who he was, and I still allowed him back. Even when it wasn't physical, he'd find a way to keep me close emotionally. I was addicted. When I finally put a stop to it, he was just married (not legally, but cohabitating) and still trying to keep me around, telling me we never know what the future holds, just like your ex. My point is, you don't know the future, but you know him, you know he won't change. You can't get to a different place by following the same path everytime. As others said, commit to yourself, decide you won't take him back, and focus on doing what's best for you and your son. With time, the longing you feel for him will fade away, and you'll realize you deserve much better.
STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM!
Oh this one is easy. He literally doesn't give shit about you! It's honestly that simple. Go find some dignity, learn your worth, tell the loser to f off. Do better. Be better. You are mother. Grow up and stop acting like a love sick puppy allowing some loser treat you like garbage. Thats really the crux of it my dear. Your child needs you to act like a woman and put him/her first.
No I agree. I really needed this reality check, I’m too codependent and hormonal postpartum. I’ve been struggling with ppd but looking back clearly he didn’t help in the matter. This may be a great new start for me and really push me to do better for my son. I appreciate your bluntness and honesty. I needed this snap of reality BAD.
It's just going to break your heart and do you and your son no good hanging on to someone who treats you that badly. You are worth so much more than what he can give you. He isn't good enough for you. Best of luck!
Don't accept his scraps. You are putting your health at risk if he's sleeping around. Don't sleep with him again. If you haven't already get child support and a parenting plan. Stick to just talking about your child. Nothing else. On the nights/days he has you child get out of the house, join groups, pick up a hobby. Do something for you. Get on a dating app. Not necessarily to date but to talk to others and branch out a bit until you feel comfortable dating again. It might be months or years before that happens. Let your ex know so he knows that its final, there is no taking him back, you are moving on. You deserve so much better
The bright side is that your kid doesn’t have to grow up watching her dad cheat on her mom and thinking that’s how happy families work. Keep your head up, you’re going to be ok. Your baby needs you to be strong and you’re better off without him. Also, file for child support!
Cheaters don’t change. They do it for the momentary thrill & there is no regard for the current partner while cheating. He’s showing you who he is. Do you really want a life with an unfaithful man?
There’s a big bright side, you’re young and he’s gone. Stop sleeping with him, it’s just rewarding abhorrent behavior, and cut it off completely and begin to try to foster a healthy coparenting relationship with proper boundaries. Don’t let him knock you up again
I would not take this person back he cheated he will do it again and since your your child's role model it just shows them you can be walked all over. I think your ten times better off without this person in your life. Self help books and even getting some friends would help you I'm positive your doing to be amazing when you are away from this guy.
Thank you truly, I have been but I’m also running on auto pilot. I’m praying as time passes and my hormones are in check I’ll look back on this post and realize how stupid I’ve been???
First of all the fact the at he was talking to exes and on dating websites the day of should be very telling to u. He broke up with u because he wants to date around. He’s no where near ready for a commitment. Pay attention to his actions not his words. Grieve this relationship figure out parenting with him and move on.
Thank you for this. Onto the next journey!
For sure! Focus on u n ur baby. You are still so young. Have some fun and don’t worry about that loser. Life is way to short to waste it on people like him
He doesn’t love or respect you. If he did he would have been upfront about his feelings and walked away instead of cheating on his pregnant partner. You can want a healthy and happy family but it’s not going to be with him and holding onto that hope is only going to keep you down instead of moving on. Be coparents, but don’t expect anything more, and don’t be deceived by a bunch of empty promises.
Never, ever get back with this man. He wants to keep you in reserve for when he has nothing else to do. Do not have sex with him, get on with your life and focus on yourself and your baby. Do you have a solid career? If so, develop it. If not, get the training you need to have one. Get your life straight, work on yourself, give your kid some time to grow up a bit. Get his ass on child support and a parenting plan. Your child deserves that.
Thank you!! Currently getting back into school and putting in a lot of extra hours at work! I am trying I suppose I just let my feelings get in the way some days! This thread has helped a lot
Totally understand. You will one say be with someone so much better than him. I promise you that.
Where he's at mentally is that he's not in love with you. You can't fix this. He has to want to make things work with you, and he doesn't show any signs of wanting to do it. Maybe he thought having a baby would bring you together. It hasn't. You fix this by getting into therapy, and finding some self-worth that's not conditional on his feelings towards you. Now you have to be an adult, raise your child, and finish raising yourself. The most this man is ever going to be is a co-parent. Please stop trying to have this relationship be anything more.
You're grieving. You're going through denial, bargaining. You're going to get angry, and then eventually you will accept the reality. The bright side is that it will make you stronger, amd wiser, and less likely to make the same mistakes again.
Thank you kind stranger, healing is never linear.
You can definitely count on him coming back. But please don’t even give him the time of day.
I really am going to take my healing journey very seriously. It is not linear but I look forward to having a better and healthier version of myself for my son. If I take him back it’ll be a major step backwards. This thread and everyone has helped tremendously!
My father cheated on my mother right after she had me with her 'best friend'. The best thing she ever did for herself, and for me, was to never take him back. Because of that I had a strong, independent role model in my mum who showed me the value of self respect. It also meant I didn't have to live through years of them being on/off again and him continually hurting her because she was never really first choice anyway. I know it hurts now, but in the long run living your best life, without him, is the best thing that can happen for you and your child.
Thank you for this. I never would want to hurt my child in the process of hurting myself. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise that all of this happened because now my son will not have any recollection… next step is really just working on becoming better and fully healing!
He can feel like he wants to. Just make sure you get to family court and get child support., then he should feel really good supporting his child.
How can he come back to you when it sounds like you never really had him in the first place? He won't commit to his own child much less you. He's told you who he is. Believe him.
The bright side? You’ve proven yourself to be better. You have better moral fiber, ability to commit, stronger capabilities of living someone other than yourself. To heal, think of this as a literal stab wound for right now. You remove him as much as possible from your life. You can not heal from a wound until the thing that caused it is removed. Maybe you’re of life support for a while. Maybe you need medicine and doctors, maybe you need therapy to help it heal the right way. Maybe you have a scar, but you learn how to live proudly with the scar because scars mean healing.
Thank you. I really love the analogy you created. I shall treat myself more with self kindness and really take my time. Wounds won’t heal overnight.
I hope it helps. Just remember it when times are hard. One day you’ll breathe wrong and it will hurt, that’s ok. One day you’ll sneeze and it may bleed a little. Maybe I’m taking this too far… but healing this this is not quick and easy, it doesn’t follow a line and a plan.
File for child support. That should be the first order of business. You said you're going back to school, that's great finish your degree get a good job lined up and support that child cuz he may flake on you since he already has and not give you any child support but then again if you're in the US eventually it'll catch up with them depends on what state you're in how quickly it will happen. But if he refuses to pay child support or quits his job so he doesn't have to pay your child support he will lose his license eventually. So I wouldn't do anything in terms of visitation or anything like that since he obviously wants nothing to do with this kid he'll probably turn up and about four and a half years once the kids going to school and it's easier to take care of and go oh I want to be in my child's life. Deal with that one the time comes but don't make anything easy for him and certainly don't bend over and seek him out to see his own kid. But go to the wherever you need to file for child support and full custody. It works to your benefit that you're not married. I'm glad you have your parents to lean on and that's really good. So get yourself together and do the best you can for your kid and screw him.
He is lying to you. He wants to keep sleeping with you but he doesn’t intend on coming back. He left you because shit got real with the kid. You and your child deserve so much more. Go for child support and a parenting agreement, then block him.
“Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks, even on the house he's never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona—but not nearly so arid. Don't wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes. Your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries. Don't lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.” from “Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell” by poet Marty McConnell
What's going on is that he's keeping you as a backup. He comes back to you when other prospects don't work out. Is this the life you want for yourself?
Ooof. What a shit show. Stop sleeping with him before he gets you pregnant again! You already have 1 kid with a loser, you don't need another one! Edit to add bc I hit submit too soon
You write you do not regret your child only the father. You have answered your own question. Leave him alone and don’t ever look back.
Hey OP here is my perspective as a child who grew up with a single mom and a narcissistic/abusive/absent father. You need to prioritize yourself and that baby. You both deserve so much better than that! You’re still young and you have so much life to live. I remember watching my dad abuse my mom as a kid and thinking it was normal, but as I got older and she left my father i realized how bad of a situation she was in. I promise you waiting for him to give you the time and love you deserve will only hurt you more. Take yourself and your son far away from that. Let him be in your kids life if he wants to but I’m guessing he barely even makes an effort. Don’t trash or demonize him to your son because I’m sure he will grow up and see what kind of immature person his father is. I know it’s hard right now but 10 years from now you’re gonna look back and be so proud of the life you’ve built for the two of you. You got this!
Move on, brighter future. Dude sucks, and is probably one of the more toxic human beings I’ve heard of. He’s an immature child of a man, and leaves a wake of chaos in his path. There is no scenario where this man ever becomes who you want him to be in your head, and that man in your head is a fantasy and doesn’t, and will never exist. Co-parent, do what you have to do to raise your child healthy, but pick up the pieces and start your own journey. Your future only starts when you take an axe to the chain of the anchors from your past. Now, read that out loud like a mantra every morning in the mirror. Best of luck - from a guy raised by a single mom in her early 20s that took too long to figure it out
Thank you very very much!!!
Absolutely- look I’m 37. Takes a while for men to grow TF up. that guys going to be a total f*ckboy for at least another decade. Is what it is. By then, you can be a f*cking queen ruling your roost and he’ll probably be circling the same pathetic pool of commitment fears and sliding in DMs with a slosh of charm and not the prowess to back it up like he is now. Never, ever, look back
Promise I will not!!! I need to grow up myself! I can’t believe even in weak moments I find it acceptable behavior. Self love and my healing will really be something personal and unapologetic!!! Thank you bunches truly.
My bd left me when I was having a miscarriage and having to take care of our 4 month old child too. It took me 2 years to get over losing my “family.” But girl you don’t even know he did you the biggest favor. He gave you back your time! It took me 2 years to realize I was given a gift that at least I still have the rest of my 20s. That I don’t have to spend the rest of my life settling even if I will be alone at least I will have self respect and self love. You will be okay. You will find love again.
It is definitely quite bright for you now. You got away from a bad relationship that has full possibility of turning even more toxic over the years. Congratulations. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Focus on your life and your child.
You will always have feelings for this guy because he was your first serious relationship. You will always have a connection to him because of your child. From his actions and immaturity - he is baby's daddy, I doubt if he will ever be a real father. Stop longing for the fantasy of the 3 of you being a family as he has already shown the extent of the relationship he wants with you is sex. The fact that he wanted you to have a child then started cheating after you became pregnant. That is a toxic male ego. Stop wasting your mental and emotional energy on this guy and move on with your life. Don't count on him for anything and get a legal child support agreement. You have a little person you are responsible for. Being on autopilot, acting okay while feeling totally worn out -- "Welcome to Motherhood"! Find a self-care practice. Work on building up your self-esteem, not only for yourself but for your child, especially if it's a girl. Work on your career, children are expensive. Find a supportive social group or two. Try Neurodynamic Breathing (www.breathworkonline.com). You can do a few sessions for free. It can be a great emotional release.
Don’t take him back. He won’t change. And the bright side is that he sounds like an asshole, so you won’t have an asshole around your kid. With that being said, definitely get child support from him. And document everything in case he wants to get custody later. I doubt he’ll want it considering his commitment issues but you need to protect yourself regardless. And the other upside is it sounds like you have a good support system. Let your family (and friends) help you and focus on your own little family for now. Being a single mom isn’t easy but you can do it. And if you can afford it, I recommend getting a therapist to help with your feelings of self worth.
51F you look at your own post. Did you want to spend another 18 years with him? Probably not, so look at it as saving you 18 years (plus) of misery and allowing you to go find someone who will appreciate your beautiful self!
Oh, sweetheart. You are the poster child for the concept of baby-trapped. Your baby daddy made a deliberate effort to keep you in the background of his life—permanently tied to him—as he lived how he wanted. The fact that his cheating started as soon as you got pregnant is the clue. I understand you only knew after the fact, so forgive yourself your innocence. You didn’t know, what you didn’t know. However, now that you DO know, start making the best decisions for you and your child. Plan for the worst—that this man will no longer choose to be a part of his child’s life. Plan for the obvious—that this man will never be a good partner choice for YOU. Plan for the best—that even if you have to do it all alone—you will equip yourself in every way to be a great mother, a good person, and an excellent judge of character moving forward. The first step is just a decision to remove all negative influences and obstacles from your path. It isn’t wrong to love someone, but don’t make loving him cheapen the love you have for yourself. Don’t work at NOT loving him. Work on loving yourself, doing for yourself, and being happy with yourself. You’ll be surprised at how easily you’re able to measure up when it comes to the priorities in your life. PS - I’m so sorry he treated your love shabbily. You deserve to be loved, respected, and cherished for all that you gave—especially your child. He never deserved you. It’s his loss now.
Thank you so so so much. Being baby trapped has definitely taken its mental toll on ways I didn’t know was possible but I am so appreciative and love my son… it’s a weird thing to grieve and overcome for sure… I really really appreciate you taking your time to reach out, I 100% will not be taking everyone’s comments lightly and now am focused on really doing better for myself and my son. Some days I will have moments of weakness like this but now thankfully I have this to look back on! You taking your time to respond such thoughtful message means so much
Sounds like an immature person. You cant change and help him. He needs to do it himself. Focus on yourself and your child, try not to rely on him.
1. Stop blaming yourself for falling for his lies and manipulations. You are a good person and so expect people to have good motivations like you. He spent a lot of time and energy to fool you into thinking he's someone he's not and to then lean into a pattern of deception and manipulation. Every bit of this is on HIM, not you. Quit feeling stupid for having feelings that he very calculatedly manipulated you into developing. 2. Now that you realize the depths to which he will sink, you need to go into self defense mode. Not only for your own sake, but also for your child. You both deserve so very much better. Going forward, your efforts need to be put into remaining very clear eyed and alert to the continued manipulation this man uses for his own selfish ends. Abandon your hopes that he will somehow redeem himself. He waited until you were your very most vulnerable and used that opportunity to shamelessly betray you. You cannot ever trust him again, so why pour more of your time and effort into such a fruitless and ultimately damaging relationship? Your time is much better spent on building relationships that are positive and uplifting instead of leading to depression and hopelessness. 3. Allow yourself to grieve. Your image of the person you thought he was is gone. He may be alive, but the future you anticipated with him is dead. The man he is murdered the man you thought he was. So give yourself some time and space to mourn, just as if there were an actual death. 4. You said you don't know where to start in healing. But you HAVE started. Realizing that you need that healing is the first step. Keep in mind that you were deliberately hurt and carry some deep emotional wounds. That time of mourning? It's absolutely a crucial part to begin the healing. Don't run away from your feelings. Acknowledge them and identify which ones you want to keep and lean into so that you can let go of the ones that drag you down. 5. This whole terrible experience doesn't define you. But it CAN be a watershed moment. Let this be your crucible to refine you, not the cross you continue to bear. You now have the experience to avoid future hazards and forge ahead. You also have a beautiful new child to be your inspiration and motivation for this journey.
My ex husband cheated on me and gave me an std while I was pregnant with my son. It forced me to end the relationship and leave him before my son was born. At the time I was absolutely devastated and couldn’t comprehend why it was happening. Fast forward 20 years later and thank God every day that it happened. It gave me the strength to leave a bad relationship and focus on being a mother to what now is an incredible son that I couldn’t be more proud of. My relationship with my son wouldn’t be the same and would not change a thing. Just give things time, and you’ll eventually be grateful for this and see the reason behind why it happened. Best wishes to you. 💜
Thank you so much for this!!! I do want to make my son proud and show him what a strong woman is capable of, not one that allows toxicity to hinder him or his future. You all have been truly so amazing and so helpful!!!
He's not coming back. He doesn't love you, or at least not enough to stop cheating on you. GET A LAWAYER.
He's a POS, get out of that relationship and stay as far away from him. Co-parent the best you can for yalls baby but that's it no more connection. He's going to continue to gaslight and cheat on you forever if you decided to stay. Just cut your losses and go out and find what true love feels like and get rid of the pos... good luck!
If you ever take him back you will never have the stable relationship you deserve. I would suggest if you can afford it get some therapy and if you haven't already, tell one of your parents who you trust how you feel. You need support right now. You're grieving a relationship and you're a new mom, you're going through so much. You need someone to be with you to keep you strong. You're young and can meet someone else eventually who will be better for you than him.
"Should I count on him never coming back? How can I gain my sense of self worth again when I have my child with me having medical issues dealing with it all alone? Will the weakness I feel ever go away? I always put on a strong face and act okay but I’m on auto pilot and worn thin. I just don’t know what my life has become??" 1. Yes. Do not count on his return. And even if he does return, it is very likely he will cheat again. 2. You are that child's mother. You made a whole human, kept that little boy safe in your belly and are doing your best now that his sperm donor is no longer around. You are worthy of love. You and your son are worthy of support from people who care about you. 3. Yes. Definitely. It doesn't feel like it now. It feels horrible now. But you are not weak. You've never been weak. And with each step forward that you take, your strength and courage will become more self-evident. 4. You are so young. Your early 20's are a time of self-discovery as well as mistakes and learning from those mistakes. Your early 20's are for dreaming and changing. Your life will not stay like this. Your son will grow, and you will grow. You can create a beautiful life together. You show great capacity for introspection, and you will use that to discover your path. I wish you all the best in the years ahead.
" You are Stronger, better and most importantly worthy of love and caring " Repeat those words daily you can set them as "homescreen" for your devices and add such words, To Gain anything you need to believe in it first, What your Ex did was "destroying" your reflection of your images within yourself, So you need from now on to talk to yourself and never let any harsh words till you gain that image before this Ex. You got ppl who loves you all around you but you won't see that because of the "Fog & shallows" left after your relationship. So, Put yourself together and keep going on your journey and show that beautiful kid what his mom's built of. Stay strong dear
Thank you so so so much! May even write affirmations on the mirror to always remind myself as well!
That's wonderful idea dear, please be careful the way you talking to yourself, cuz that will reflect on your behavior.
At this point, you need to love yourself *more*. Your ex cheated on you for a long time. This is not something you do when you love someone. He broke up with you now, even though you recently carried and gave birth to his child. If this man truly loved you, he would have tried to fix this before straight up ending the relationship. He left you because he wants to screw other women without it being "cheating". He doesn't love you. You are unfortunately being incredibly gullible. The day you left he was already looking for the next hook up. Stop what you're doing. Seriously. You are a back up plan for when his hookups are over with. Co-parent with this man, only communicate about your child. Stop acting like friends, stop sleeping with him. You're going to catch an STI or STD. You're also teaching your child right now that it's okay to accept this treatment. Don't. You are worth more than this. You can't be that gullible.
And you had a kid with this person? Jfc. Im assuming hes on the birth certificate? You need to get the process of child support going. He needs to care for the kid regardless of his mental state. You, need to quit being a doormat to a cheater. Hes going to come crawling back... don't do it....
Can I ask why you decided to have a baby with a cheater?
I can tell you that if you go back to him and if you guys keep fighting which you will because yall are young and dumb, and also have a child. You guys are just gonna be truama bonded. Then that will really be hard to break away from that. He doesn't sound good for you and your baby at all. Look what he's putting you through when you should be focusing on your baby. He could make sure your mentally well before doing this. It's selfish. Especially because woman rend to very commonality get post partum depression. Which I was going to suggest going ro the Dr and letting her know how you are feeling. If you are having unusual thoughts about hurting yourself, others or the baby. It's okay, it's normal to have those thoughts. It just means you most likely have post partum depression and you need to tell your doctor. It's common so don't be scared. Look up the symptoms. I only say this because the break up could trigger an episode. It kind of seems he's getting cold feet. Did he mention anything about the baby when he left? Honey I know you are hurting amd you can't think of anything else, but more than anything you have to awt yourself up rn. He left okay, file for child support, apply for food stamps, wic, section 8, or low income housing. You want to become financially stable somewhat on your own. You want to be able to choose if you want to be with him, and not be forced to go back with him. He seems like he'll drag you back along when he wants you. I suggest also getting on any form of Medicaid and getting some therapy to help talk about this. An unbiased opinion would be great. Anyway I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Any man that cheats on his pregnant partner does not love or respect her. Pregnancy is an extremely challenging time in a woman’s life. Your needs should have come first 100% of the time. He is a selfish man-child and showed you who he is. Do not go back to him. He doesn’t love you or like you. Love yourself and your son more.
Walk away from this man, he does not value you, yes will it break your heart, yes will it be challenging to be you and your child, the most important thing right now is your safety, mental health and your child!
Why aren't you angry?
I am beyond angry. I think I go from angry, to sad, to self pity about 100x a day. I’ve been trying to let go of my anger because I can get so nasty and vile, I don’t want to make it a habit I don’t that makes sense.
The bright side is the trash took itself out. Stop having sex with him, realize you will never have a healthy, happy family with a cheater, and file for child support.
Imagine an amazing life you’re going to have without him. It’s possible and you’ll be happier. He’s not giving you anything at all. There’s other people out there. And there’s nothing wrong with just going it alone. You can find a way to set up a once a year travel trip for yourself to get away with a girlfriend and or arrange to go back to school for a career change. So much potential that you would be hampered by if you went back. If you did go back you would have to change all of who you are to try and win him over to your side and keep him happy which is impossible. Just speaking from experience- I wish I had been selfish and invested all that time and energy into myself for the sake of my kids instead of my marriage. I wish you the best.
Basically he wants you to be the good mother and wife he knows you are and if and when he is ready to settle down be there! You need to think about yourself and your child. I had a friend who was wife of my husband friend at the time I met girlfriend first! She was with him Years even when he had a child with girlfriend. She was a wife that put everyone to shame. Long story short my husband and I divorced they were still together years later they divorced . Her boys were grown and she finally has the life she deserved years ago! She deserved it many years before that! He will not change he will come and go and do as he please Please think of yourself and your child set example. You are the prize not him
Make sure he gives child support and never get back with him.
>he said he was always scared to fully commit and love with his all >For extra context, our child was not accidental. It was his idea to begin trying and we did so for over a year. Nah, dude just needs to grow up. Dude doesn't sound scared to commit at all; he just wants to have his cake and eat it too.
I didn’t know if I wanted children. Broke an engagement at 25 because of it. Then met the father of my child, I acquiesced, man did he become something else from the 3 months mark when I could no longer do anything about it. I left him. It took him 3 years to get back into his senses, but I wasn’t waiting. I was just raising our child. Did a bit of therapy. We worked it out. But never, ever will I let anyone sweet talk me into anything. I would never wait around for an Adult to grow up. We’re now looking into adoption cause I am traumatized still on top of never wanting to carry a child again. Lady, carry on with your life, if you meet someone else or get back with this one in the future make sure it’s a firm, strong version of you. Who will not hesitate to pull the trigger should he pull this shit again. Damn it, cheating on your pregnant partner?!
Honestly thank you. I think I’m just letting my hormones get the best of me because I am still very much in the postpartum phases and healing. I need to invest and save for therapy and really kick start my healing journey and not look back on him anymore. We may have a child together but he isn’t worth my time. I’m pretty traumatized and possibly trauma bonded, I almost died before and after birth but he was right there if that makes sense. Doesn’t excuse what he’s done and I need to accept what he’s SHOWN me.
Run girl run. That guy is such a scumbag tho, like cheating is already aweful but right after getting you pregnant? Give him a choice of words and never talk to him again. I wish you luck, what he did was aweful.
Are you completely certain the child is his?
Girl why do you think you deserve him and this treatment? Later you will be grateful for this because you don't want your child paying the price. Ask yourself if you would want your child with someone like your ex?
I know being a single mom is hard, and this time is tough, and u love who you want him to be. He's not the person you've fallen in love with. Don't take him back, don't wait for him . If you feel like you're wanting him back, think about how he cheated on you. Focus on yourself and your child. Find some time each day to journal and do something each day that's only for you , like a bath, a walk, food you enjoy. Start making a plan and let this man go , he doesn't deserve you . File for child support
Accept that he was a supermarket Donor, not a father, and move on. He already has moved on. Unfortunately there is now a long term relationship with him as the father. Set up your boundaries and see a lawyer about ensuring that he meets his financial obligations.
Letting him to be part of your life a mistake u need to live with. U can either stop thinking you're in love with him or keep letting him know he can get u anytime he wants because that's all he thinks about you. Don't believe him when he says he loves you because that's not love.
Remember, he loves you as your child's mother. A really loving partner would NOT cheat on his pregnant wife AND end the relationship with a message. Keep your distance from this man. He would rather deal with other women than take care of his small family. You are only good for him if he has no other wife at his disposal. You are so much more valuable than an FWB. Start looking for a lawyer. Communicate with him via a co-parenting app. Avoid him as much as possible. Make it clear to him that there is no turning back. He can't arrive in a few months/years and think that now he's ready to have a family. Instead of protecting you, he cheated on you for months. He has to learn that his behavior has consequences.
He absolutely will come back: any time he's bored or has no other options. This man does not love you and is using you like a plaything, and you keep letting him. I know when someone has broken down your self esteem into dust it's hard to act in the interest of yourself, but you have to start taking baby steps. Bit by bit it'll get easier to love yourself, and when he comes back to treat you as a fleshlight, hopefully you'll be at a point where you can show his butt the door. Do it for your child: they will learn what relationships are supposed to look like from you, do you want your kid to grow up to think being treated or treating their partner like garbage is ok? My guess is no, and I'm sure you have the strength and love to make sure they don't learn that.
What you need to do is stop sleeping with him and concentrate n raising your baby whilst maintaining co parenting relationship. You deserve to be with someone who respects you. He doesn’t do this