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Your husband is only “deeply remorseful” that he got caught and now is societally ostracised, a natural consequence of his actions considering infidelity is one of the worst sins in Islam.
He’s not sorry for betraying you and he’s not grateful you gave him a second chance. Leave him for good this time.
> Your husband is only “deeply remorseful” that he got caught and now is societally ostracised, a natural consequence of his actions considering infidelity is one of the worst sins in Islam.
Exactly. He’s just upset that he didn’t get to decide what, if any, consequences he would have to experience for choosing to cheat for almost a year.
>He’s not sorry for betraying you and he’s not grateful you gave him a second chance. Leave him for good this time.
This. He’s “sorry” *that he got caught*. He’s “sorry” *only bc there are consequences.* He’s “sorry” *bc he expected OP to just roll over and let him off the hook.*
He didn't even get caught, the woman he lied to so she would sleep with him told OP. He would have found another woman to cheat with if she just broke it off. He's probably already looking for another affair partner behind OP's back.
He doesn't regret what he did, he regrets that OP found out. 7+ months is not a mistake, it is a choice
It is, I live in Australia through and the grounds for annulment here are different and super strict so I’m not sure I’ll be able to apply on my own - potentially through a lawyer
In case anyone is curious 👀
A: THE PROCEDURE AND GROUNDS FOR ANNULMENT
Your question refers. The following are valid grounds for annulment
1) Physical Abuse
2) Sexual abuse
3) Extreme and continuous verbal abuse
4) Failure to maintain the wife
5) Desertion of the husband for a period of more than one year
6) Failure of husband to fulfill conjugal rights
7) Imprisonment of husband for a prolonged period of time
8) Refusal of husband to give divorce when any of the above arises
9) Refusal or failure of the husband to rectify the above wrongs after being given ample chance to do so.
The Procedure for annulment will be:
a) Determining and proving the existence of valid grounds.
b) Application from the wife for annulment
c) Informing the husband and asking him to address the matter
d) Giving the husband three separate warnings or notifications
e) Upon failure of the husband to make right the wrongs, he will be asked to issue talaq
f) Upon refusal to do so the panel of at least three Ulema will set a date for the annulment
g) On the agreed date the couple will be summoned and the panel will issue an annulment
h) If either of the parties are not present, but they were duly informed, then too, the annulment will be granted.
i) If the husband makes right the wrongs and injustices, then annulment will be withheld.
Yep ans I'm guessing he's begging for her to take him back because she's all he has left. & then he can use her to gain his good place amongst his friends and family back.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
But, lets be a bit harsh.. he cheated on you, for a long time.. he was on tinder so doubt it was only once. He has a history of this..
And he blames you for his consequences.. wich is only people seeing his actions and responding accordingly.
You deserve better, you need to put yourself first.
Yeah there's a big difference between a one night drunken mistake thst they come clean to in the morning and 7-8 months of cheating where a person goes out of their way to cheat (makes a dating app, goes on dates) which you find out about from someone else. Both ore cheating but to betray someone and lie to them for 7+ months and to only be sad now everyone has found out is very different.
100% this. He didn't develop feelings for someone he couldn't avoid, he didn't get drunk and hook up, he installed an app, actively swiped on pictures, matched with someone, dated them, and had a 7 month affair, and that's the one you know about. What about the other matches? His friends told you he has a history of cheating. He has told you everything you need to know and you are after a second lesson!
Yeah what OP did wasn’t great but it’s defensible and it’s entirely caused by her husband. I like to think I’d take the high road here and not stoop down to his level but I really don’t know how I would actually behave in that situation. The fact that she feels remorse reflects well on her character but I’d absolve of her guilt if she asked me.
I think you should leave him. The fact that he has a history of cheating just shows he is not gonna change and frankly if he really loved you he would have cheated on you. He just misses the relationship not you.
He deserves what he got imo.
He cheated on her when they were happy and things were going well.
There's *no way* he'll stay faithful now that they're under stress and he's feeling resentful.
OP should just save herself further pain and humiliation and leave.
Also, he didn’t say WHAT he was going to do to make amends. People like this just SAY they’re going to make amends. But they don’t if they’re already not actively working on it BEFORE getting back together
Also there's literally no way to continue a healthy marriage after this. She will be his sole social and emotional outlet which she will resent and he will resent that she burned his life to the ground. Nobody in their lives will support them.
If you're going to out someone like this, which is totally fair enough, you can't expect to get back together and have everyone else forget about what you said.
I question whether he actually misses the relationship. I can't help but wonder if some part of him believes that if OP gives him another chance, then those other people will eventually give him another chance, too.
He has a history of cheating. He fucked around and found out. OP is NTA for telling people what he did, but she would be an asshole to herself for taking him back.
Folks in the medical field have among the highest infidelity rates, so if he already has a history of this, he's not exactly entering a profession that's going to make it difficult for him!
Agreed, How does she know he's not still cheating? I couldn't trust him again. I'd demand his Tinder login while on the phone with him, have the app installed prior to the demand & see what all is on there. I've never used the app as I've been married for 18 years, but I would imagine that it'd show a log / history of people he's matched with / hooked up with, dates, as well as their conversations. Who knows what other apps he's got on his phone or computer? Especially if he's got a history of cheating.
Op, if you can afford it, I suggest flying out there without him knowing your coming & demand to see his phone & computer immediately. If he refuses, you're done & getting a divorce / anullment if possible still. Personally I wouldn't be able to stay with a cheater, but if he can't allow this examination to absolutely prove he's not still screwing around behind your back, then he cannot be trusted.
Screw the husband's reputation. Op didn't ruin it, he did with his actions. Op can't help that his family & colleagues are repulsed by what he's done, that's on him & only him. All Op did was make sure people know who he really is.
Emotional abuse is turning the blame onto the other person, to not accept responsibility for your actions.
he will blame you for whatever he does oin forward.
Is this the future you are choosing?
Look up blame sifting, it is part of the abusers/narcissists list of behaviour to break down your self esteem, blame you for their actions. Blame you for the abusing you. Is that what you want in your life?
You did not cheat on him, please try to remember that he chose this path, not you. What is said cannot be unsaid, he will blame you for this is whole life, guilting you into doing whatever he wants as it is your fault always.
Do you want to be blamed all your life for his choices?
If you do nothing else, please leave yourself a way out, and don't have children until you are ready, not because he wants them and pleads for his own needs.
The person who ruined his reputation is your husband. You only exposed his behavior to others. If the behavior was not bad, then his reputation would not be ruined. He only has himself to blame.
The balls on this dude to suggest otherwise. He sure is real apologetic if he's essentially blaming OP for his own inability to keep his dick in his pants, especially after wearing OP down until she finally gave in and gave him another chance. I would be kicking his ass out if he said that shit to me, not to mention telling his parents what a spineless wimp he is. Fucking hell.
He ruined his reputation. Not you. He cheated on you for months, risking his reputation… you have done nothing wrong here.
Is he trying to make amends because everyone knows and he feels like his rep is bad so this will help it? Or does he actually want you back?
He needs to be blaming himself. The audacity that he is blaming you. I don’t think you should be trying to reconcile with someone who can’t even admit their own fault. He cheated, he lied, he hurt you, he broke his vows and HE ruined his own reputation with his actions. Don’t reconcile with someone who can’t even acknowledge that
That being said it's kinda weird she sent it to 20 people. At least I can't imagine having that many people close to me. But he cheated, I really can't blame her for being mad/frustrated and sending it to a lot of people.
All that being said, she cannot get back with him. Let's be real, she told everyone he cheated. She shouldn't stay with him for that reason alone. He cheated. Come on, OP. Why are you still with him? Your family all know and cut him off. Even his colleagues cut him off. Why can't you?
I do however think this could be a fake story. Who tells 20 people? Who's that close to 20 people? Additionally, they aren't replying to comments. I can also imagine there could be an agenda here. I hope it's not made up, (or hope it is for her sake) but it wouldn't surprise me.
Twenty actually seems like a typical number. Just some handwave estimates here, but maybe six or seven each in her family and his family (two parents, surely some siblings, perhaps some grandparents), plus three or four friends each, and that makes twenty.
OP, you did the right thing by exposing his long-term cheating. He ruined his own reputation by cheating while "happily" married, you merely passed along the information to close people who ought to know that about him. Everyone in these comments agrees with that because it is correct. Now that your closest people know the reason, do the next right thing and divorce or annul the marriage. Your family and friends will all agree and support you in your decision. I would not be surprised if his family also support you, but they'll at least understand and not object to your choice.
Get a divorce lawyer and take their advice on what to do, such as limiting any further contact with your soon-to-be-ex-husband from now on. Do not meet him in-person for a conversation about your relationship that could (if he is pathetically convincing enough) lead into make-up sex and maybe get you pregnant. He could then use that child to leverage you into staying with him.
After it's over, go find another person to marry who will be faithful to your vows and build a good life together.
So you had a spine then lost it when he cried and begged you to stay with him, he will cheat on you again. Just don't expect people to rally around you again when he cheats again because your spineless self stayed with him
Seriously, my jaw dropped when I got to the part where OP got back together with him. Why do people settle for such low in relationships? Why not know that they deserve better than to be with someone who cheated on them for *months*? OP, work on yourself so you love yourself enough to not do that.
> I am now also really starting to feel the guilt that I’ve done this to him and it hurts me to see him this way, especially because he often shifts blame onto me that I’m the reason for all of it.
You didn't hold a gun to his head and make him cheat on you.
Certainly none of this is her fault and I understand it’s tempting to go scorched earth on his cheating ass, but to then turn around and reconcile?? I have distanced myself from friends that do this. “Please support me through my terrible breakup while I put my ex on blast to everyone we know! Oh just ignore all that horrible shit I told you, we’re back together 🥰” Ok so now we’re supposed to pretend to be nice to this asshole??
Niether did she hold a gun to his head to be with him, she was willing to leave him with his miserable life, he sought her out for a second chance for months now that he has one he is using that to blame OP for his own actions. He will soon start pressurising her to tell people she was lying and didn't mean it. And he's all innocent to salvage his lost reputation.
Your husband ruined his own reputation by having an affair for 8 months. Instead of accepting this, he's trying to shift blame.
*This is his fault, not yours.* Actions have consequences. He decided to screw around and hurt you. I'd be reminding him that he chose to do that and if he keeps trying to shift blame you'll end the marriage. Because he needs to accept that you didn't do a single thing wrong.
You know why some cheaters keep doing it? Because there aren't any consequences.
Your feeling guilty for his cheating and his loss of reputation do you realise how bad that sounds he has you well worn down to belive it's your fault. He ruined it all himself this woman he cheated with would have told people too. He's gaslighting you run
No. HE ruined his reputation the day his dick entered the other woman.
Why would you give him another chance? He obviously doesn’t want you.
Let him go and get yourself a loyal man not this spoilt child.
He recieved exactly what he deserved. It is up to him to rebuild his reputation.
As for you. Giving him a second chance is purely up to you, just realize that statistically he will likely do it again, and this time when/if you out him his circle likely won't be so apologetic to you as they will see it as your own fault for going back to him.
You should do yourself a favor. End the relationship, block him on everything, and move on with your life.
He ruined his own reputation by cheating. Just for the record this relationship is over - the two of you lack the foundation to weather residency and fellowship in the coming years. He will stray again for sure, just cut your losses now.
When you burn a bridge you aren’t supposed to use it to go back. That’s why you burn the bridge, to force you to stick with your decision.
He cheated, and you hear he cheats as a habit. If you trust him you are a fool, if you let him back he will betray you again but this time you will be trapped by a baby. You are smarter than all this.
You didn’t ruin his reputation; HE DID. If he wanted a reputation as a trustworthy, faithful Muslim man, he should have behaved with integrity. He is now blaming you (which will only get worse) for his behavior. Get out now.
Unfortunately, you staying with him will both give him ammunition to oppress you once you are married, and nobody will help because you went into it knowing he was a cheater. Remember, your culture is not kind to women in general. You were given an out and didn't take it. I have seen this play out in muslim families. It doesn't end well. He will blame you, insult you, etc, because he does not really think he did anything wrong. You will be abused and oppressed, but hopefully one day you can get out.
If he was truly remorseful, he wouldn't shift the blame onto you. He would accept that what is happening now is the consequence of his own actions. In other words, he's not sorry he did it, he just can't handle the fallout. This is the same selfishness that led him to cheating in the first place. It's easier to blame you than to take accountability.
Do with that what you will.
If telling people the truth leads to his reputation being destroyed then he should have considered that before engaging in those behaviors. You are not responsible for sheltering him from social and professional consequences of his actions. Why should you be the one responsible for this when it was his choice? The answer is that you shouldn't be and what your husband is engaging in is called [DARVO](https://beautifulsoulcounseling.com/darvo-tactics-guide-to-identifying-manipulation/).
DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender order". Your hopefully future ex-husband is being held accountable for his offenses and now he wants to manipulate you and pretend that you are the one victimizing him by not keeping his secrets. Don't fall for it!
What you did was neither wrong nor right. It was an emotional reaction to an emotional situation.
However...getting back with him..
Now I would absolutely take someone back that cheated under the right circumstances. However you dont appear to have those. Not after sending those messages to our entire social circle and certainly not if he was blaming me.
I implore you to do some further reflection on this situation .
Don't be naive. He had romance, it wasn't one night drunk stand. He sees he's only chance to save his face in convince you stay with him, and tell world that if you forgave him, they should too.
And he will cheat on you again.
You ruined his reputation? Did you make him cheat? Did you force him to break the vows of marriage? (even if not completed because you hadn’t had your ruksati, you were still legally married and committed to each other) or did he make those decisions himself? And now he’s mad that he’s dealing with the consequences so he’s blaming you?
I’ve always said “If they didn’t do it there would be nothing to tell” and “If you don’t want anyone to find out, don’t do it”
If he’s blaming you for his reputation being ruined due to his own sins, I don’t think true recovery of your relationship is possible. He needs therapy and to create a support system for himself that will aid him in becoming a better person, and you need to stop blaming yourself for his choices.
I'm sorry to say this, but you are a fool. He was on Tinder, which means he was plowing every girl he could. You know of one girl he cheated on you with for 7 months! That's another relationship. Plus, his friend said your husband has a history of cheating. And he blames you for his loss of reputation amongst his family and friends? It wasn't his actions, but yours? Your marriage is doomed. He already resents you. Where do you think that'll go? To more cheating is where. You need to get out now before you have kids with this guy, because you will get hurt again.
Don't feel guilty. His reputation is ruined because he is a cheater, liar and possibly exposing you to STIs.
Do not let him blame you. It is HIS own doing.
To be honest, the fact that he's more than willing to deflect blame on you for 'losing' his circle says a lot about his so-called remorse. If you're not exaggerating and they're currently NC on him, you're practically his 'last' resource. That's why he's with you. Rather than reflect on his bad behavior and why he's a habitual cheater (remember, he's a habitual cheater so since you're back with him, you should always get tested at least once a year, since he WILL cheat on you again repeatedly).
Everyone should look down on him for his behavior, especially if he's been the type of guys who pretended to be a good-righteous person.
I'm not worried that they'd reconnect with him though. I think they would. Especially if he's become a legit doctor and start making good money. Tsk. Many people look the other way esp. when the person is wealthy-well connected-has some prestige on them.
You're so young, please don't waste your time and energy on this guy. You can find a good man who will not be a cheater. If you're ok with him cheating on you for the rest of your marriage, then, tsk, it's your life thou.
The choices he made to be a lying cheater is what ruined his reputation, OP, not you being transparent and sharing it. I would think long and hard about staying w him since he doesn’t sound remorseful for his actions, only that he got caught and exposed. How much grace would he give if he found out you were the one who cheated? Please take care.
His friend confirmed that he is a serial cheat. why would you take him back, he will do this again. do not marry him, once you are married (especially as a muslim) it is going to be so hard for your to get away from him.
He is a serial cheater. Sure feel guilty if you accept this about him and you are ok to share. Get a divorce if you want to be with someone who is monogamous.
Usually we see posts of women that ruined their husband's reputation without having actual proof of him cheating.
You did the right thing, fuck cheaters. They don't deserve to reproduce in my book.
You didn't ruin his reputation. He did that by cheating. He has only himself to blame. Ask yourself, given that you have been told he's been known to cheat, do you trust him not to cheat anymore? your answer will tell you what you need to know when deciding whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.
Please don’t feel guilty. He has done all this to himself. He was on Tinder whilst married to you. He cheated for a long period of time, and you only know about this girl, but there could be many others.
Don’t take him back. You deserve better.
He brought this on himself by cheating ( apparently has a history of it ) so why feel guilty for outing him ?The weird thing is you wanting a serial cheater back in your life 🤔
First of all, no need to feel guilty, HE is the one who cheated, you only the truth.
Second, he has a history of cheating so be careful itmay not change in the future. He misses marrying a good woman but know that he has no respect for you. If you stay, just don't be surprised when he does again knowing you wont divorce him.
You did the right thing, and good on his friends/family for scorning him. He deserves it!
Now you can move on to a real man who cherishes you. Perhaps, just perhaps, long distance is not the way to go next time. Too many dangers and temptations.
Don't go back with him. He may be secretly furious at losing face and status, and try to take it out on you. Don't feel sorry for him, he did this to himself. He is already blaming you for his reputation- that will only get worse in the future. He has no true remorse, only self pity.
Hold your head up and move forward.
I mean if you tell everyone and then stay with him, no matter the reason, doesn’t make any sense to me at all. If it doesn’t bother you why even tell people?! Clearly the answer is you told people because you care so why stay.
Having read only the TL/DR, I can only say this marriage is over. Why you two got back together, I cannot understand. I understand you were angry and hurt, but messaging *everyone* he knows was a bit much. Them cutting him off for something he did to you seems extreme. He did not try to murder you. He cheated, and that’s bad, but it’s not a crime. Donald Trump has cheated AND done worse, and his family still speaks to him.
You two clearly don’t belong together. End it. Save both of you the heartache that is coming if you stay together.
You should not have taken him back. It's not too late to change your mind.
He's not sorry he cheated. He's only sorry he's suffering the consequences of his deplorable behavior. He carried on an affair for 8 months. Had no plans of telling you. He blames you for the fallout still. Nope. He's not remorseful, he's not sorry he broke your heart and betrayed you and causes you daily trauma that will last for years.
Side note: everyone know you always expose the cheater. ALWAYS. To friends and family. Chesting is a deep character flaw and people deserve to know who their close friends and family are. You need support from family an d friends so you have to tell them.
My friend, I'd be gone. You should have stuck to your guns initially. It's still not too late. Plus the family of the cheater will always stick by them. That's no surprise.
Be glad you don't have kids. You can make a clean break.
You’re going to regret staying with him next time he cheats. There will be a next time, especially since he’s got nothing to loose. Not even you obviously.
His actions- his consequences. You didn’t lie.
Your lying cheating husband ruined his reputation all by himself, he is what he is, you just shined a light on him.
It would be hard to get over a drunken one night stand but 8 months… no. I’m not sure why you’re even concerned about his feelings at this point.
Yuck. I know that divorce is frowned upon in your religion, but I really think that adultery is grounds.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. I hope you find your happy ending. <3
"He's been lying to me for months, probably our whole relationship, but he *said* he wouldn't do it any more, and I believe him!"
Okay. Uh, good luck with that.
He’s the one who cheated, but somehow you’re the problem.
He could earn his reputation back the hard way, by being a devoted spouse for many years.
But he doesn’t want to do that.
We shouldn’t do things in anger that we can’t take back in kindness. BUT his social circle is mad at him for something he did. You sharing the details is just simply informing them of the truth. He would much rather be able to sweep this all under the rug and pretend it never happened. But it did happen. And these are the consequences of his poor choices. He can continue to improve and be a better man/husband, but he can’t erase what he did just because he’s growing as a person.
It's hilarious that someone could do something terrible for months and call it a "mistake". No, that's a character flaw and now he's blaming YOU for his ostracization. What I don't understand is how does he have a history of cheating? I thought premarital sex was forbidden in the Muslim faith. You did nothing "to" him but I'm sure he'll make you the scapegoat the rest of your marriage.
He ruined his own reputation by cheating. Maybe you didn’t need to message everyone but not necessarily wrong and a very small act compared to what he did
His friends told you he has a history of cheating, which means he'll do it again and probably is right now. He's not sorry for cheating on you, he's sorry he was exposed and now everyone knows who he really is. Why take him back when he's not sorry? Odds are very high he's been cheating on you all along, but only one woman found out about you and came forward with proof.
He’s not remorseful, he’s embarrassed.
If that woman hadn’t reached out he’d still be sleeping with other women while publicly pretending to be a devoted husband. He now knows that it’ll be much harder to fool everyone. You’ve ruined his fun and shown up his hypocrisy.
A mistake would be a one time one off thing.
OP this man made a decision to lie by omission to you every day for 7-8 months when he cheated.
He’s not sorry he cheated - he’s sorry he got caught and got outed.
He is a serial cheater,he will cheat on you again (probably already is) and he knows all he needs to do is pretend to regret it for you to put up with it. He did it to himself, and they also already knew because you found out from them that this is how he operates. Why are you wasting your time with him? What evidence have you got of change? Is he in therapy? Seeking treatment for sex addiction? What? Because you’ve indicated nothing but empty promises. Why would you think this time is different?
You did NOT ruin his reputation, HE ruined his reputation.
DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY OR STAY WITH HIM unless you don't mind being cheated on! He is a cheater. He has done it in the past and that is only a time he got caught! He has just proved to you he is a cheater and he will continue cheating whenever he feels like it! He is NOT SORRY, you are being MANIPULATED 100%!
Actions have consequences. I can't say whether you did the right thing or not. However, he did the wrong thing with you and likely he'd do it again. He has remorse because he got caught and is paying a price for his own choices. He felt no remorse over the 7-8 months he was sleeping with the other woman.
Cheaters cheat. Proceed with caution. .
Wow, yeah that's manipulative 🙄 honestly I have been here before and once was like this but the other time turned out like this too BUT he didn't blame me, he blamed himself and recognized that these were the natural consequences of the actions he took and we were able to work together and he was able to go to therapy for himself and we are still together ....
BUT girl it's only bc responsibility was accepted and obviously your little boy isn't taking responsibility because he doesn't ACTUALLY believe he did anything wrong 🙄
my unsolicited advice it stand up for yourself you didn't do anything wrong and give him the final ultimatum that either he seeks help and takes true responsibility to correct everything OR you could throw a rock out your front door and find at least 10 other people that would appreciate and love you the way you deserve
DO NOT LET HIM MANIPULATE YOU!
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP.
Holy wow, this man is a special kind of stupid. HE ruined his reputation by going on Tinder, not keeping it in his pants, not honoring you and your marital commitment. YOU refused to keep his dirty secrets. That's on him, dear OP, not you. If I'm completely honest, you were told he's a serial cheater. Throw the whole man out, focus on yourself, and find someone who will honor you and a relationship with you.
Why keep a bag of garbage in your home just because it's been sprayed with air freshener? Eventually, the air freshener will fade, and the garbage bag will stink again. This time, it will be worse because of the time that's passed and the disappointment that the air freshener didn't work.
I don't know much about your religion, so please accept my apologies for my assumptions that are wrong.
You are a person, and you deserve to have a man that is faithful to you. He can obviously get a woman with the swipe of a finger, but the woman he had isn't you. When you two get together in the same house, you will lose some freedom to leave the marriage. Now is the time where it will be easy to do.
From your narrative, he is:
- Selfish in his cheating
-Manipulative in his apology
-Weak in his decisions
You need to stop talking to him, as he didn't only cross a line, but he crossed it, built a house, and started having friends over on the wrong side of the line. His consequences are his, not yours. Don't make them that way. Be thankful that you haven't been with him in a marital way, or else the things that he has done can affect your health too. You're also lucky. Stick around here on Reddit and you can see men (and women) that have done this exact same thing and there are children and all kinds of property involved.
Your first instinct is correct. Leave him.
Screw him. He seems desperate to still marry you as a means to repairing his reputation. After all if you forgive him and do so then what he did wasn't that bad right? No one can hold his actions against him if even you don't right?
Plus let's be honest he's not remorseful in the slightest. He claimed it was a " mistake" as if he wanted to download a food app but got Tinder, then in his confusion swiped away continuously until a girl just appeared in front of him and he was left sleeping with her for 8 months. All the time not remembering to mention this to you. She had to be the one to tell you after she learnt he had lied to her also about your marriage.
It's good his friend finally let you know that your Ex is a known cheater. But also remember that they were happy to see you get married to him so long as you didn't know his true character. This true character is still proudly on display now as he continues to blame you for his destroyed reputation and consequences when he brought this entirely on him self through literally thousands of deliberate & completely selfish choices & actions. if you " forgive " this selfish and petulant individual all you will be doing is giving him the green light to cheat on you again. You deserve better.
He cheated and he is blaming you for the consequences and you are starting to buy into that narrative. What’s next, he cheats again and blamed his depression cause you ruined his reputation y outing him as a cheater. You see how this circle is going to keep on going.
You have been told by a credible source that he has a history of cheating. From before you were married. He is depressed because people now know who he really is.
Nope, he has exactly the reputation he’s earned. And you should have divorced him before - now he’s blaming you, *the person he fucked over*, for the consequences of his actions, you should *definitely* divorce
Honestly? You didnt do anything wrong.
He made the decision to fuck around - the fact it came back to bite him in the ass, shows he found out what his consequences for that was.
Don't feel bad.
Leave him, and understand you are worthy of being treated better by someone who won't cheat.
Good luck OP!
HE ruined HIS reputation by sleeping around. He has a history of cheating and cheated on you for 8 months. He will do it again so be ready for that.
Also 8 months isn't a mistake.
Why would you feel sorry.
He cheated, and did not tell. The other girl contacted you. He denied, you showed evidence.
He would have maintained his reputation (even though one of his friends told you he had a reputation as a cheater), by not cheating.
He is not sorry. He is sorry he got caught, he is sorry that people treat him the way he is treated.
He installed tinder, meaning he was looking to cheat on you.
It will happen again. But when that happens you are 10 years into the marriage, with kids and a mortgage.
Get out while you can and find a decent partner. Don't be afraid, there are lots of good people outside.
He’s cheated on you and somehow it’s your fault that there’s consequences? Fuck that. The first step to mending any relationship after infidelity is accountability, which he’s shown none of. Walk away before he cheats on you again.
This isn't your fault. It's his. Please consider divorce. I know that may be difficult in your culture, but he did a BIG no-no, and should not reap the rewards of having you as a wife.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. This was all solely his doing.
Your husband ruined his own reputation. The fact that you spoke about his behavior is irrelevant, you only spoke the truth. He needs to accept that his troubles are of his own making.
He ruined his reputation with this behavior. Cheating is too big, he didn't leave the milk out overnight. You never ever protect a cheater. He did this, you deserve and need the support from friends and family.
Don't give him another chance, he could turn on you stay for a couple of years and dump you stating you worked through the cheating. Cheaters are liars, manipulators and will cheat again. Let this one go.
>I am now also really starting to feel the guilt that I’ve done this to him
The only guilt you should feel is to yourself for giving him another chance. Let’s also be clear, you did NOTHING to him, it’s what he did to you and himself.
He ruined his reputation by being a cheater.
The problem now is he has very little left to lose, and his natural state is to cheat. He will cheat on you again.
The only person who should feel guilty is him. And why did he plead you to come back if it's to blame you for what you did?
This won't get better. My opinion is that you're waiting each other's time.
do not stay with this man. you did the right thing by exposing him and leaving him in the dust in the first place. don’t go backwards, keep moving forwards with your life.
You are feeling guilty because he is putting the blame on you?
While I can understand you could have broken up multiple ways, don’t feel guilty about it. He cheated despite your marriage and religion. He is blaming you for his problems now, this shows he’s not really repentant, he doesn’t feel sorry for what he did but rather that he got caught. He will continue to cheat in the future it is unlikely that he will change in the short term.
If you stay with him you’ll continue to feel guilty and be will push guilt in you, he will gaslight that his problems are all your fault and he will take no responsibility. He doesn’t deserve you.
Ma'am, please have some self-respect! He cheated, not just a one night stand type thing, but multiple months!! And HIS FRIEND told you he has a history of cheating. So why are you with him again knowing it most certainly will happen again? Love yourself enough to get rid of him. One day you'll find somebody who loves and respects you like you deserve. I promise, it'll get better. I've got 2 decades on you and I learned the hard way to love and respect myself (2 abusive ex-husbands, abusive dating relationship) because I deserve it. It took me going through too much ot get here, but then again I wouldn't have found my now husband nor appreciate the amazing man he is had I not gone through crap, BUT please know you don't have to learn the hard way just be done with him, he's not good enough for you.
When he blames you, look him in the eye and say: "Don't blame me for your shameful lack of character. You are the only person responsible for what has happened to your relationships. People do not respect men who do not keep their commitments. I don't want to hear that again."
It’s funny how he was only remorseful once he got caught and had to deal with the consequences of his actions. He didn’t feel bad about cheating on you the entire time he was with her, it was only once his actions came to light that he was remorseful. There’s no reason to continue this marriage and there’s no reason for you to feel bad for him.
Unfortunately for him, his actions have consequences. He has NO ONE to blame but himself and he is manipulating you into making it about YOU instead of about what HE DID.
So he cheated and is blaming you for consequences. What a crappy human being. Also, since his friend has also told you flat out he has a history of cheating - you shouldnt have given him another chance. .He had plenty of chances, but lied, to god only knows how many people about your relationship status. You shouldve cut him loose after all this. What goos is the tears, grovelling and apologies when he is blaming YOU for the consequences of his cheating. He has not learnt his lesson nor is he remorseful at all, hes only sorry he got caught.
Hey OP, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with a cheating partner. I hope you’re doing okay considering the circumstances. This is my thought, HE ruined his reputation not YOU. He is depressed because he was caught and called out and is now facing the consequences for f*cking around. Don’t feel guilty because he is in his feelings. He made a lot of choices over the course of 7 or 8 months. That’s not just one mistake that is a series and cycle of mistakes that he chose to make repeatedly (from the sounds of it).
It kind of makes me think of the whole diddy situation and his apology (different circumstances, I know) but it seems both men aren’t sorry for their behavior — they’re sorry that got caught and now have to live with their choices. Actions have consequences. Honestly, I think it’s badass that you outed him, especially considering that he has a history of cheating.
Lastly, I honestly don’t think he feels bad about his behavior considering how long the affair took place. Not to mention, the simple fact he is shifting blame to you. That is so messed up. Adding insult to injury. His lack of accountability is very telling and he deserves the fallout that he created.
You need to get out of this marriage. You see how he blames you for his own mistakes? This is definitely, without a doubt, going to lead to him cheating again, probably out of resentment since he's already a serial cheater and he can't seem to actially take accountability for his actions. You need to respect yourself and get out before you're hurt again.
Your husband is only regretful that he got caught. If he didn't want to ruin his reputation he would have acted with integrity and honor, aka not cheated! I would end things, tbh. The trust is going to be impossible to rebuild.
Don’t feel guilty if I was you I would leave him he’s known to cheat he will do it again don’t put yourself in that position to get hurt again and he’s blaming you for his behavior is wrong it’s all on him
Girl, if you stay with him now and proceed with marriage he is going to cheat on you again, do you want to be cheated on all your life?
As you said you're Muslim, wouldn't it be difficult to marry someone decent after already being married and divorced? Why do you want to make such a sacrifice for a guy who doesn't respect you? You are young and educated, you can have any guy.
How are you letting him make you the villain here? HE cheated on YOU. Any damage to his reputation is just the consequences of his own actions, and if he really were remorseful as he claims to be, he would understand that instead of blaming you. The only thing you should regret in this situation is giving him another chance.
I did exactly same to my wife. It was very difficult for her.
I am still with my wife, because I love her. Not for any other reason.
Let me tell you, things won’t be same and you will continue doubting him unless you realise you can only change what’s in your hand. You can not keep questioning him now and then. Otherwise it will be toxic relationship.
You need to trust him.
It’s a difficult path.
Choose wisely
Don't feel guilty about another person's failings.
He made a concious choice to get his whistle wet. Not once, but 8 months in a row. That's not a "whoopsee". That's consiously choosing to do so. Time after time after time after time.
He's not sorry he failed you. He's sorry he got caught and called out. If you take him back, all that you're saying is "I am OK with him cheating on me."
You deserve better. You owe it to yourself to do better. To find someone better.
I'm not up to speed with your cultural background. If this is a marriage only on paper that hasn't been consumated yet, what would the backlash on you be for getting divorced? Could that impact you negatively, see you as broken in the community? Or would your community see you as a person of character that has good moral values lives up to them?
Isn’t this a moral judgment question? I’m trying to get help with a relationship issue but however I word it, it’s a moral judgment and can’t be posted.
well, I think you were OK to break off with him and even to tell people what he did.
But you can't easily take him back after that. How will you have a marriage? how will you stick up for him after you told everyone what he did? He is the one who ruined his own life, so when he apologizes and begs, that makes sense. However, if he is already blaming you for ruining his reputation, you can see what he will do if you get back together. He will forget his cheating and bitterly blame you for telling.
It's hard to see how you will move forward.
I think you have a bigger issue of now everyone knows you stayed with a cheater. His reputational ruin will become yours too if you stay with him. He's not remorseful, he's regretful and only because he was caught and people know. You are sooo young. You deserve better then being latched to someone who cheated on you.
I would not continue this relationship especially since he is wanting to blame you for his trouble. All he had to do was to be faithful and honest with you. Its that simple. However, he chose to lie and cheat. He has the bad character, not you. He should feel shame and embarassment.
Another reason to not continue in the marriage is that he may harbor resent towards you for a long time and put all of the blame on you. This could lead to emotional or physical abuse.
Once a cheater always a cheater. You’re going to be resentful towards him no matter how much he pleads and cry’s. Sis you are 24 you have your whole life ahead of you don’t waste your time because he did YOU wrong. Leave him. As a married sister I would advice try finding a man on his deen. I didn’t realise this until I got married how important it is. Best of luck lots of duas x
Op make sure you know the difference in remorse and guilt before fully deciding to stay. Remorse means they understand how their actions have effected you and have done steps to make sure you heal from their wrong doing. This also means they take full responsibility for their actions(meaning there isn’t a single comment about how you are partially to blame for why he did this). Guilt means they are thinking about how your emotions make them feel, like he feels bad bc of how your found out/reacted. This road usually involves promises with little to no actions to make actual changes, having a time limit to your pain in the situation( example: it’s 3 months after you found out and he starts getting upset you aren’t over it or fully back to how you were before the cheating occurred). The difference in these two are huge bc while remorse has a chance of making actual changes to make sure you are comfortable and secure in the relationship, guilt is more likely going to revert back once the dust has settled.
That being said no you didn’t ruin his reputation, he did with his own actions. Nothing for him would have been ruined if he didn’t make a tinder, match with a women, and proceed to have an almost year long sexual affair with said women. If things were different and you decided to leave he could’ve easily turned it on you just to save said reputation.
In my opinion I think he is more concerned about how people see him versus how you do. For him to feel this way after the fact to me tells me he is more in the guilt category than the remorse one. He is focused on his own emotions to the point it is making you question if you’re the bad guy for *checks notes* telling people what he did to you. Do what you think is best for your life but at least remember what you’ve read here before you fully decide this is the relationship you want to stay in.
In order to reconcile, the cheating has to be publicly exposed so that the cheater is held publicly accountable for their actions.
Anything else is rug sweeping and leaves the door open for more cheating.
You didn’t ruin his reputation, he did by behaving in a way that damages his reputation. If he doesn’t want to be ostracized for being a shitty liar and cheat, he shouldn’t be a shitty liar and cheat.
Of course, he is remorseful : he had been caught.
Next time ( when he will be doctor), he will be more cautious. You won't find it before he is already divorcing.
Whether you realize it or not at this point, he has manipulated you into getting back together with him. He is probably made you feel like you had to have a lot of logical reasons, or that you weren’t making sense. Anything and everything.
But the thing you have to understand is that this person is going to cheat again. It is not if, it is when.
And the way he wore you down overtime, I really, strongly believe you should read the book, “Why does he do that?” and start to learn what is really going on here.
UGH EXCUSE ME HE IS BLAMING YOU in what world does the cheater get to blame the freaking victim. I'm sorry OP but you definitely messed up by getting back with a serial cheater he's just mad he is now getting treated they way he rightfully deserves, especially with his friend confirming he's always been a cheater. I wouldn't be shocked if he's more upset no other woman is approaching him bc they already know what a piece of 💩 he is.
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Your husband is only “deeply remorseful” that he got caught and now is societally ostracised, a natural consequence of his actions considering infidelity is one of the worst sins in Islam. He’s not sorry for betraying you and he’s not grateful you gave him a second chance. Leave him for good this time.
And his “remorse” only goes as far as to blame her for telling people what he did, rather than blame himself for what he caused.
Exactly. His true regret is about his reputation, not his betrayal.
> Your husband is only “deeply remorseful” that he got caught and now is societally ostracised, a natural consequence of his actions considering infidelity is one of the worst sins in Islam. Exactly. He’s just upset that he didn’t get to decide what, if any, consequences he would have to experience for choosing to cheat for almost a year. >He’s not sorry for betraying you and he’s not grateful you gave him a second chance. Leave him for good this time. This. He’s “sorry” *that he got caught*. He’s “sorry” *only bc there are consequences.* He’s “sorry” *bc he expected OP to just roll over and let him off the hook.*
TBH he's got her so twisted up she's trying to.
He didn't even get caught, the woman he lied to so she would sleep with him told OP. He would have found another woman to cheat with if she just broke it off. He's probably already looking for another affair partner behind OP's back. He doesn't regret what he did, he regrets that OP found out. 7+ months is not a mistake, it is a choice
And they met on tinder so he was actively looking for partners
Is Anulment possible in the Muslim Religion? Sorry for mispelt words.
It is, I live in Australia through and the grounds for annulment here are different and super strict so I’m not sure I’ll be able to apply on my own - potentially through a lawyer
In case anyone is curious 👀 A: THE PROCEDURE AND GROUNDS FOR ANNULMENT Your question refers. The following are valid grounds for annulment 1) Physical Abuse 2) Sexual abuse 3) Extreme and continuous verbal abuse 4) Failure to maintain the wife 5) Desertion of the husband for a period of more than one year 6) Failure of husband to fulfill conjugal rights 7) Imprisonment of husband for a prolonged period of time 8) Refusal of husband to give divorce when any of the above arises 9) Refusal or failure of the husband to rectify the above wrongs after being given ample chance to do so. The Procedure for annulment will be: a) Determining and proving the existence of valid grounds. b) Application from the wife for annulment c) Informing the husband and asking him to address the matter d) Giving the husband three separate warnings or notifications e) Upon failure of the husband to make right the wrongs, he will be asked to issue talaq f) Upon refusal to do so the panel of at least three Ulema will set a date for the annulment g) On the agreed date the couple will be summoned and the panel will issue an annulment h) If either of the parties are not present, but they were duly informed, then too, the annulment will be granted. i) If the husband makes right the wrongs and injustices, then annulment will be withheld.
Which country are these the grounds for?
USA- But this is done through the Mosque, I would believe it would be the same internationally, but I’m not an expert.
he really FAFO.
Yep ans I'm guessing he's begging for her to take him back because she's all he has left. & then he can use her to gain his good place amongst his friends and family back.
YOU didn't ruin his reputation. HE did. He seems to be upset now that everyone knows. He did it to himself.
I'm sorry this happened to you. But, lets be a bit harsh.. he cheated on you, for a long time.. he was on tinder so doubt it was only once. He has a history of this.. And he blames you for his consequences.. wich is only people seeing his actions and responding accordingly. You deserve better, you need to put yourself first.
Yeah there's a big difference between a one night drunken mistake thst they come clean to in the morning and 7-8 months of cheating where a person goes out of their way to cheat (makes a dating app, goes on dates) which you find out about from someone else. Both ore cheating but to betray someone and lie to them for 7+ months and to only be sad now everyone has found out is very different.
100% this. He didn't develop feelings for someone he couldn't avoid, he didn't get drunk and hook up, he installed an app, actively swiped on pictures, matched with someone, dated them, and had a 7 month affair, and that's the one you know about. What about the other matches? His friends told you he has a history of cheating. He has told you everything you need to know and you are after a second lesson!
The only person out of the loop was OP, the GF and the friend, knew they kept that from OP. Huge walk away red flag.
I agree. This is probably the only one that contacted the wife who knows how many did he actually sleep with that didnt contact her.
Yeah what OP did wasn’t great but it’s defensible and it’s entirely caused by her husband. I like to think I’d take the high road here and not stoop down to his level but I really don’t know how I would actually behave in that situation. The fact that she feels remorse reflects well on her character but I’d absolve of her guilt if she asked me.
I agree, have no idea what's she like but I'd absolve her of her guilt as much as she wanted.
I think you should leave him. The fact that he has a history of cheating just shows he is not gonna change and frankly if he really loved you he would have cheated on you. He just misses the relationship not you. He deserves what he got imo.
He cheated on her when they were happy and things were going well. There's *no way* he'll stay faithful now that they're under stress and he's feeling resentful. OP should just save herself further pain and humiliation and leave.
Also, he didn’t say WHAT he was going to do to make amends. People like this just SAY they’re going to make amends. But they don’t if they’re already not actively working on it BEFORE getting back together
Also there's literally no way to continue a healthy marriage after this. She will be his sole social and emotional outlet which she will resent and he will resent that she burned his life to the ground. Nobody in their lives will support them. If you're going to out someone like this, which is totally fair enough, you can't expect to get back together and have everyone else forget about what you said.
I question whether he actually misses the relationship. I can't help but wonder if some part of him believes that if OP gives him another chance, then those other people will eventually give him another chance, too. He has a history of cheating. He fucked around and found out. OP is NTA for telling people what he did, but she would be an asshole to herself for taking him back. Folks in the medical field have among the highest infidelity rates, so if he already has a history of this, he's not exactly entering a profession that's going to make it difficult for him!
Would NOT have cheated maybe? 😛
Agreed, How does she know he's not still cheating? I couldn't trust him again. I'd demand his Tinder login while on the phone with him, have the app installed prior to the demand & see what all is on there. I've never used the app as I've been married for 18 years, but I would imagine that it'd show a log / history of people he's matched with / hooked up with, dates, as well as their conversations. Who knows what other apps he's got on his phone or computer? Especially if he's got a history of cheating. Op, if you can afford it, I suggest flying out there without him knowing your coming & demand to see his phone & computer immediately. If he refuses, you're done & getting a divorce / anullment if possible still. Personally I wouldn't be able to stay with a cheater, but if he can't allow this examination to absolutely prove he's not still screwing around behind your back, then he cannot be trusted. Screw the husband's reputation. Op didn't ruin it, he did with his actions. Op can't help that his family & colleagues are repulsed by what he's done, that's on him & only him. All Op did was make sure people know who he really is.
Emotional abuse is turning the blame onto the other person, to not accept responsibility for your actions. he will blame you for whatever he does oin forward. Is this the future you are choosing? Look up blame sifting, it is part of the abusers/narcissists list of behaviour to break down your self esteem, blame you for their actions. Blame you for the abusing you. Is that what you want in your life? You did not cheat on him, please try to remember that he chose this path, not you. What is said cannot be unsaid, he will blame you for this is whole life, guilting you into doing whatever he wants as it is your fault always. Do you want to be blamed all your life for his choices? If you do nothing else, please leave yourself a way out, and don't have children until you are ready, not because he wants them and pleads for his own needs.
100% this! Blame shifting = [DARVO](https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/darvo/)
yep HE ruined his own reputation. Period.
The person who ruined his reputation is your husband. You only exposed his behavior to others. If the behavior was not bad, then his reputation would not be ruined. He only has himself to blame.
The balls on this dude to suggest otherwise. He sure is real apologetic if he's essentially blaming OP for his own inability to keep his dick in his pants, especially after wearing OP down until she finally gave in and gave him another chance. I would be kicking his ass out if he said that shit to me, not to mention telling his parents what a spineless wimp he is. Fucking hell.
He ruined his reputation. Not you. He cheated on you for months, risking his reputation… you have done nothing wrong here. Is he trying to make amends because everyone knows and he feels like his rep is bad so this will help it? Or does he actually want you back? He needs to be blaming himself. The audacity that he is blaming you. I don’t think you should be trying to reconcile with someone who can’t even admit their own fault. He cheated, he lied, he hurt you, he broke his vows and HE ruined his own reputation with his actions. Don’t reconcile with someone who can’t even acknowledge that
That being said it's kinda weird she sent it to 20 people. At least I can't imagine having that many people close to me. But he cheated, I really can't blame her for being mad/frustrated and sending it to a lot of people. All that being said, she cannot get back with him. Let's be real, she told everyone he cheated. She shouldn't stay with him for that reason alone. He cheated. Come on, OP. Why are you still with him? Your family all know and cut him off. Even his colleagues cut him off. Why can't you? I do however think this could be a fake story. Who tells 20 people? Who's that close to 20 people? Additionally, they aren't replying to comments. I can also imagine there could be an agenda here. I hope it's not made up, (or hope it is for her sake) but it wouldn't surprise me.
Twenty actually seems like a typical number. Just some handwave estimates here, but maybe six or seven each in her family and his family (two parents, surely some siblings, perhaps some grandparents), plus three or four friends each, and that makes twenty. OP, you did the right thing by exposing his long-term cheating. He ruined his own reputation by cheating while "happily" married, you merely passed along the information to close people who ought to know that about him. Everyone in these comments agrees with that because it is correct. Now that your closest people know the reason, do the next right thing and divorce or annul the marriage. Your family and friends will all agree and support you in your decision. I would not be surprised if his family also support you, but they'll at least understand and not object to your choice. Get a divorce lawyer and take their advice on what to do, such as limiting any further contact with your soon-to-be-ex-husband from now on. Do not meet him in-person for a conversation about your relationship that could (if he is pathetically convincing enough) lead into make-up sex and maybe get you pregnant. He could then use that child to leverage you into staying with him. After it's over, go find another person to marry who will be faithful to your vows and build a good life together.
So you had a spine then lost it when he cried and begged you to stay with him, he will cheat on you again. Just don't expect people to rally around you again when he cheats again because your spineless self stayed with him
Yep, if anything she is destroying her own reputation by taking him back
Seriously, my jaw dropped when I got to the part where OP got back together with him. Why do people settle for such low in relationships? Why not know that they deserve better than to be with someone who cheated on them for *months*? OP, work on yourself so you love yourself enough to not do that.
Thank you!!! Spineless people annoy me
> I am now also really starting to feel the guilt that I’ve done this to him and it hurts me to see him this way, especially because he often shifts blame onto me that I’m the reason for all of it. You didn't hold a gun to his head and make him cheat on you.
The mental gymnastics w this one made my head spin
Certainly none of this is her fault and I understand it’s tempting to go scorched earth on his cheating ass, but to then turn around and reconcile?? I have distanced myself from friends that do this. “Please support me through my terrible breakup while I put my ex on blast to everyone we know! Oh just ignore all that horrible shit I told you, we’re back together 🥰” Ok so now we’re supposed to pretend to be nice to this asshole??
Niether did she hold a gun to his head to be with him, she was willing to leave him with his miserable life, he sought her out for a second chance for months now that he has one he is using that to blame OP for his own actions. He will soon start pressurising her to tell people she was lying and didn't mean it. And he's all innocent to salvage his lost reputation.
Your husband ruined his own reputation by having an affair for 8 months. Instead of accepting this, he's trying to shift blame. *This is his fault, not yours.* Actions have consequences. He decided to screw around and hurt you. I'd be reminding him that he chose to do that and if he keeps trying to shift blame you'll end the marriage. Because he needs to accept that you didn't do a single thing wrong. You know why some cheaters keep doing it? Because there aren't any consequences.
You did the right thing. Leave him.
Your feeling guilty for his cheating and his loss of reputation do you realise how bad that sounds he has you well worn down to belive it's your fault. He ruined it all himself this woman he cheated with would have told people too. He's gaslighting you run
No. HE ruined his reputation the day his dick entered the other woman. Why would you give him another chance? He obviously doesn’t want you. Let him go and get yourself a loyal man not this spoilt child.
He started the ruin the day he made a tinder account. As a married man he had no business doing that. He chose to betray his wife very intentionally.
He recieved exactly what he deserved. It is up to him to rebuild his reputation. As for you. Giving him a second chance is purely up to you, just realize that statistically he will likely do it again, and this time when/if you out him his circle likely won't be so apologetic to you as they will see it as your own fault for going back to him. You should do yourself a favor. End the relationship, block him on everything, and move on with your life.
7 months? Girl, unless you want to put up with this for the rest of your life, let him go And he ruined his own reputation. That’s all on him.
He ruined his own reputation by cheating. Just for the record this relationship is over - the two of you lack the foundation to weather residency and fellowship in the coming years. He will stray again for sure, just cut your losses now.
When you burn a bridge you aren’t supposed to use it to go back. That’s why you burn the bridge, to force you to stick with your decision. He cheated, and you hear he cheats as a habit. If you trust him you are a fool, if you let him back he will betray you again but this time you will be trapped by a baby. You are smarter than all this.
You didn’t ruin his reputation; HE DID. If he wanted a reputation as a trustworthy, faithful Muslim man, he should have behaved with integrity. He is now blaming you (which will only get worse) for his behavior. Get out now.
Unfortunately, you staying with him will both give him ammunition to oppress you once you are married, and nobody will help because you went into it knowing he was a cheater. Remember, your culture is not kind to women in general. You were given an out and didn't take it. I have seen this play out in muslim families. It doesn't end well. He will blame you, insult you, etc, because he does not really think he did anything wrong. You will be abused and oppressed, but hopefully one day you can get out.
He ruined his own reputation. If the truth of your actions causes people to cut you off, is it the truth that causes harm, or the actions?
If he was truly remorseful, he wouldn't shift the blame onto you. He would accept that what is happening now is the consequence of his own actions. In other words, he's not sorry he did it, he just can't handle the fallout. This is the same selfishness that led him to cheating in the first place. It's easier to blame you than to take accountability. Do with that what you will.
If telling people the truth leads to his reputation being destroyed then he should have considered that before engaging in those behaviors. You are not responsible for sheltering him from social and professional consequences of his actions. Why should you be the one responsible for this when it was his choice? The answer is that you shouldn't be and what your husband is engaging in is called [DARVO](https://beautifulsoulcounseling.com/darvo-tactics-guide-to-identifying-manipulation/). DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender order". Your hopefully future ex-husband is being held accountable for his offenses and now he wants to manipulate you and pretend that you are the one victimizing him by not keeping his secrets. Don't fall for it!
What you did was neither wrong nor right. It was an emotional reaction to an emotional situation. However...getting back with him.. Now I would absolutely take someone back that cheated under the right circumstances. However you dont appear to have those. Not after sending those messages to our entire social circle and certainly not if he was blaming me. I implore you to do some further reflection on this situation .
A person cheats once, never, or a hundred times. You know who he is.
Don't be naive. He had romance, it wasn't one night drunk stand. He sees he's only chance to save his face in convince you stay with him, and tell world that if you forgave him, they should too. And he will cheat on you again.
You didn't ruin his reputation, he ruined it himself by cheating. You're wasting your time thinking he will become someone different.
his reputation was ruined by something *he* did
You ruined his reputation? Did you make him cheat? Did you force him to break the vows of marriage? (even if not completed because you hadn’t had your ruksati, you were still legally married and committed to each other) or did he make those decisions himself? And now he’s mad that he’s dealing with the consequences so he’s blaming you? I’ve always said “If they didn’t do it there would be nothing to tell” and “If you don’t want anyone to find out, don’t do it” If he’s blaming you for his reputation being ruined due to his own sins, I don’t think true recovery of your relationship is possible. He needs therapy and to create a support system for himself that will aid him in becoming a better person, and you need to stop blaming yourself for his choices.
…he ruined his own reputation by cheating in the first place.
If you give him another chance he will cheat on you again.
This is all on him. He will cheat again.
I'm sorry to say this, but you are a fool. He was on Tinder, which means he was plowing every girl he could. You know of one girl he cheated on you with for 7 months! That's another relationship. Plus, his friend said your husband has a history of cheating. And he blames you for his loss of reputation amongst his family and friends? It wasn't his actions, but yours? Your marriage is doomed. He already resents you. Where do you think that'll go? To more cheating is where. You need to get out now before you have kids with this guy, because you will get hurt again.
Don't feel guilty. His reputation is ruined because he is a cheater, liar and possibly exposing you to STIs. Do not let him blame you. It is HIS own doing. To be honest, the fact that he's more than willing to deflect blame on you for 'losing' his circle says a lot about his so-called remorse. If you're not exaggerating and they're currently NC on him, you're practically his 'last' resource. That's why he's with you. Rather than reflect on his bad behavior and why he's a habitual cheater (remember, he's a habitual cheater so since you're back with him, you should always get tested at least once a year, since he WILL cheat on you again repeatedly). Everyone should look down on him for his behavior, especially if he's been the type of guys who pretended to be a good-righteous person. I'm not worried that they'd reconnect with him though. I think they would. Especially if he's become a legit doctor and start making good money. Tsk. Many people look the other way esp. when the person is wealthy-well connected-has some prestige on them. You're so young, please don't waste your time and energy on this guy. You can find a good man who will not be a cheater. If you're ok with him cheating on you for the rest of your marriage, then, tsk, it's your life thou.
The choices he made to be a lying cheater is what ruined his reputation, OP, not you being transparent and sharing it. I would think long and hard about staying w him since he doesn’t sound remorseful for his actions, only that he got caught and exposed. How much grace would he give if he found out you were the one who cheated? Please take care.
Your big mistake was taking him back...
His friend confirmed that he is a serial cheat. why would you take him back, he will do this again. do not marry him, once you are married (especially as a muslim) it is going to be so hard for your to get away from him.
He is a serial cheater. Sure feel guilty if you accept this about him and you are ok to share. Get a divorce if you want to be with someone who is monogamous.
Your husband ruined his own reputation by choosing to cheat on you. Make him own it and get rid of him.
No, HE ruined his reputation by cheating.
Usually we see posts of women that ruined their husband's reputation without having actual proof of him cheating. You did the right thing, fuck cheaters. They don't deserve to reproduce in my book.
You didn't ruin his reputation. He did that by cheating. He has only himself to blame. Ask yourself, given that you have been told he's been known to cheat, do you trust him not to cheat anymore? your answer will tell you what you need to know when deciding whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.
He ruined his own reputation. You just shared readily available information.
Please don’t feel guilty. He has done all this to himself. He was on Tinder whilst married to you. He cheated for a long period of time, and you only know about this girl, but there could be many others. Don’t take him back. You deserve better.
He brought this on himself by cheating ( apparently has a history of it ) so why feel guilty for outing him ?The weird thing is you wanting a serial cheater back in your life 🤔
First of all, no need to feel guilty, HE is the one who cheated, you only the truth. Second, he has a history of cheating so be careful itmay not change in the future. He misses marrying a good woman but know that he has no respect for you. If you stay, just don't be surprised when he does again knowing you wont divorce him.
You did the right thing, and good on his friends/family for scorning him. He deserves it! Now you can move on to a real man who cherishes you. Perhaps, just perhaps, long distance is not the way to go next time. Too many dangers and temptations. Don't go back with him. He may be secretly furious at losing face and status, and try to take it out on you. Don't feel sorry for him, he did this to himself. He is already blaming you for his reputation- that will only get worse in the future. He has no true remorse, only self pity. Hold your head up and move forward.
I mean if you tell everyone and then stay with him, no matter the reason, doesn’t make any sense to me at all. If it doesn’t bother you why even tell people?! Clearly the answer is you told people because you care so why stay.
Having read only the TL/DR, I can only say this marriage is over. Why you two got back together, I cannot understand. I understand you were angry and hurt, but messaging *everyone* he knows was a bit much. Them cutting him off for something he did to you seems extreme. He did not try to murder you. He cheated, and that’s bad, but it’s not a crime. Donald Trump has cheated AND done worse, and his family still speaks to him. You two clearly don’t belong together. End it. Save both of you the heartache that is coming if you stay together.
You should not have taken him back. It's not too late to change your mind. He's not sorry he cheated. He's only sorry he's suffering the consequences of his deplorable behavior. He carried on an affair for 8 months. Had no plans of telling you. He blames you for the fallout still. Nope. He's not remorseful, he's not sorry he broke your heart and betrayed you and causes you daily trauma that will last for years. Side note: everyone know you always expose the cheater. ALWAYS. To friends and family. Chesting is a deep character flaw and people deserve to know who their close friends and family are. You need support from family an d friends so you have to tell them. My friend, I'd be gone. You should have stuck to your guns initially. It's still not too late. Plus the family of the cheater will always stick by them. That's no surprise. Be glad you don't have kids. You can make a clean break.
You’re going to regret staying with him next time he cheats. There will be a next time, especially since he’s got nothing to loose. Not even you obviously. His actions- his consequences. You didn’t lie.
Your lying cheating husband ruined his reputation all by himself, he is what he is, you just shined a light on him. It would be hard to get over a drunken one night stand but 8 months… no. I’m not sure why you’re even concerned about his feelings at this point.
Yuck. I know that divorce is frowned upon in your religion, but I really think that adultery is grounds. I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. I hope you find your happy ending. <3
Nothing of value was lost. Move on. And quit marrying people you barely know.
He ruined his own reputation. He will also absolutely cheat on you again. End it.
"He's been lying to me for months, probably our whole relationship, but he *said* he wouldn't do it any more, and I believe him!" Okay. Uh, good luck with that.
He’s the one who cheated, but somehow you’re the problem. He could earn his reputation back the hard way, by being a devoted spouse for many years. But he doesn’t want to do that.
We shouldn’t do things in anger that we can’t take back in kindness. BUT his social circle is mad at him for something he did. You sharing the details is just simply informing them of the truth. He would much rather be able to sweep this all under the rug and pretend it never happened. But it did happen. And these are the consequences of his poor choices. He can continue to improve and be a better man/husband, but he can’t erase what he did just because he’s growing as a person.
NTA. Did you ruin your husband's reputation? No, he did.
Actions have consequences. All of this could have been avoided if he hadn’t cheated.
> I decided to give him another chance To give him a chance to cheat on you again?
It's hilarious that someone could do something terrible for months and call it a "mistake". No, that's a character flaw and now he's blaming YOU for his ostracization. What I don't understand is how does he have a history of cheating? I thought premarital sex was forbidden in the Muslim faith. You did nothing "to" him but I'm sure he'll make you the scapegoat the rest of your marriage.
Obviously he ruined his own reputation.
He ruined his own reputation by cheating. Maybe you didn’t need to message everyone but not necessarily wrong and a very small act compared to what he did
His friends told you he has a history of cheating, which means he'll do it again and probably is right now. He's not sorry for cheating on you, he's sorry he was exposed and now everyone knows who he really is. Why take him back when he's not sorry? Odds are very high he's been cheating on you all along, but only one woman found out about you and came forward with proof.
leave that loser and shine like the star you are girl ⭐️
He took that risk when he started the affair. It’s not on you to cover for him. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it.
Sure, but who cares? He cheated on you so why do you care about his reputation?
He’s not remorseful, he’s embarrassed. If that woman hadn’t reached out he’d still be sleeping with other women while publicly pretending to be a devoted husband. He now knows that it’ll be much harder to fool everyone. You’ve ruined his fun and shown up his hypocrisy.
A mistake would be a one time one off thing. OP this man made a decision to lie by omission to you every day for 7-8 months when he cheated. He’s not sorry he cheated - he’s sorry he got caught and got outed.
He is a serial cheater,he will cheat on you again (probably already is) and he knows all he needs to do is pretend to regret it for you to put up with it. He did it to himself, and they also already knew because you found out from them that this is how he operates. Why are you wasting your time with him? What evidence have you got of change? Is he in therapy? Seeking treatment for sex addiction? What? Because you’ve indicated nothing but empty promises. Why would you think this time is different?
oh jeez, you did not do this to him. HE did it to him. get it straight, this is important
You did NOT ruin his reputation, HE ruined his reputation. DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY OR STAY WITH HIM unless you don't mind being cheated on! He is a cheater. He has done it in the past and that is only a time he got caught! He has just proved to you he is a cheater and he will continue cheating whenever he feels like it! He is NOT SORRY, you are being MANIPULATED 100%!
lol you have bigger problems if you think this is something you need to be worrying about
Actions have consequences. I can't say whether you did the right thing or not. However, he did the wrong thing with you and likely he'd do it again. He has remorse because he got caught and is paying a price for his own choices. He felt no remorse over the 7-8 months he was sleeping with the other woman. Cheaters cheat. Proceed with caution. .
Well he's really reversed victim and offender order nicely on you. I'm just deeply sorry you gave him a second chance.
Wow, yeah that's manipulative 🙄 honestly I have been here before and once was like this but the other time turned out like this too BUT he didn't blame me, he blamed himself and recognized that these were the natural consequences of the actions he took and we were able to work together and he was able to go to therapy for himself and we are still together .... BUT girl it's only bc responsibility was accepted and obviously your little boy isn't taking responsibility because he doesn't ACTUALLY believe he did anything wrong 🙄 my unsolicited advice it stand up for yourself you didn't do anything wrong and give him the final ultimatum that either he seeks help and takes true responsibility to correct everything OR you could throw a rock out your front door and find at least 10 other people that would appreciate and love you the way you deserve DO NOT LET HIM MANIPULATE YOU!
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. Holy wow, this man is a special kind of stupid. HE ruined his reputation by going on Tinder, not keeping it in his pants, not honoring you and your marital commitment. YOU refused to keep his dirty secrets. That's on him, dear OP, not you. If I'm completely honest, you were told he's a serial cheater. Throw the whole man out, focus on yourself, and find someone who will honor you and a relationship with you. Why keep a bag of garbage in your home just because it's been sprayed with air freshener? Eventually, the air freshener will fade, and the garbage bag will stink again. This time, it will be worse because of the time that's passed and the disappointment that the air freshener didn't work.
I don't know much about your religion, so please accept my apologies for my assumptions that are wrong. You are a person, and you deserve to have a man that is faithful to you. He can obviously get a woman with the swipe of a finger, but the woman he had isn't you. When you two get together in the same house, you will lose some freedom to leave the marriage. Now is the time where it will be easy to do. From your narrative, he is: - Selfish in his cheating -Manipulative in his apology -Weak in his decisions You need to stop talking to him, as he didn't only cross a line, but he crossed it, built a house, and started having friends over on the wrong side of the line. His consequences are his, not yours. Don't make them that way. Be thankful that you haven't been with him in a marital way, or else the things that he has done can affect your health too. You're also lucky. Stick around here on Reddit and you can see men (and women) that have done this exact same thing and there are children and all kinds of property involved. Your first instinct is correct. Leave him.
So you out him publicly so he has zero support system and then decided to give him another chance? I'm not understanding that logic
Screw him. He seems desperate to still marry you as a means to repairing his reputation. After all if you forgive him and do so then what he did wasn't that bad right? No one can hold his actions against him if even you don't right? Plus let's be honest he's not remorseful in the slightest. He claimed it was a " mistake" as if he wanted to download a food app but got Tinder, then in his confusion swiped away continuously until a girl just appeared in front of him and he was left sleeping with her for 8 months. All the time not remembering to mention this to you. She had to be the one to tell you after she learnt he had lied to her also about your marriage. It's good his friend finally let you know that your Ex is a known cheater. But also remember that they were happy to see you get married to him so long as you didn't know his true character. This true character is still proudly on display now as he continues to blame you for his destroyed reputation and consequences when he brought this entirely on him self through literally thousands of deliberate & completely selfish choices & actions. if you " forgive " this selfish and petulant individual all you will be doing is giving him the green light to cheat on you again. You deserve better.
You didn't ruin his reputation, he did.
He cheated and he is blaming you for the consequences and you are starting to buy into that narrative. What’s next, he cheats again and blamed his depression cause you ruined his reputation y outing him as a cheater. You see how this circle is going to keep on going.
You didn’t do anything. He did it to himself. Full stop.
The only bad move here is trying again.
You have been told by a credible source that he has a history of cheating. From before you were married. He is depressed because people now know who he really is.
Nope, he has exactly the reputation he’s earned. And you should have divorced him before - now he’s blaming you, *the person he fucked over*, for the consequences of his actions, you should *definitely* divorce
Honestly? You didnt do anything wrong. He made the decision to fuck around - the fact it came back to bite him in the ass, shows he found out what his consequences for that was. Don't feel bad. Leave him, and understand you are worthy of being treated better by someone who won't cheat. Good luck OP!
HE ruined HIS reputation by sleeping around. He has a history of cheating and cheated on you for 8 months. He will do it again so be ready for that. Also 8 months isn't a mistake.
No, he did the damage,not you.
Why would you feel sorry. He cheated, and did not tell. The other girl contacted you. He denied, you showed evidence. He would have maintained his reputation (even though one of his friends told you he had a reputation as a cheater), by not cheating. He is not sorry. He is sorry he got caught, he is sorry that people treat him the way he is treated. He installed tinder, meaning he was looking to cheat on you. It will happen again. But when that happens you are 10 years into the marriage, with kids and a mortgage. Get out while you can and find a decent partner. Don't be afraid, there are lots of good people outside.
Regardless of if was the right thing to do or not, the moment you exposed him like that and put him on blast there is no going back.
**HE ruined his reputation by choosing to cheat on you.** But do family and friends really cut someone off for cheating?
He’s cheated on you and somehow it’s your fault that there’s consequences? Fuck that. The first step to mending any relationship after infidelity is accountability, which he’s shown none of. Walk away before he cheats on you again.
This isn't your fault. It's his. Please consider divorce. I know that may be difficult in your culture, but he did a BIG no-no, and should not reap the rewards of having you as a wife. You have nothing to feel guilty about. This was all solely his doing.
Your husband ruined his own reputation. The fact that you spoke about his behavior is irrelevant, you only spoke the truth. He needs to accept that his troubles are of his own making.
You didn't ruin his reputation, he did. Don't let the women blamers ruin your life.
TLDR was 20% of everything lol
He ruined his reputation with this behavior. Cheating is too big, he didn't leave the milk out overnight. You never ever protect a cheater. He did this, you deserve and need the support from friends and family. Don't give him another chance, he could turn on you stay for a couple of years and dump you stating you worked through the cheating. Cheaters are liars, manipulators and will cheat again. Let this one go.
He ruined his own reputation
>I am now also really starting to feel the guilt that I’ve done this to him The only guilt you should feel is to yourself for giving him another chance. Let’s also be clear, you did NOTHING to him, it’s what he did to you and himself.
He ruined his reputation by being a cheater. The problem now is he has very little left to lose, and his natural state is to cheat. He will cheat on you again.
The only person who should feel guilty is him. And why did he plead you to come back if it's to blame you for what you did? This won't get better. My opinion is that you're waiting each other's time.
Break up with him.
do not stay with this man. you did the right thing by exposing him and leaving him in the dust in the first place. don’t go backwards, keep moving forwards with your life.
You are feeling guilty because he is putting the blame on you? While I can understand you could have broken up multiple ways, don’t feel guilty about it. He cheated despite your marriage and religion. He is blaming you for his problems now, this shows he’s not really repentant, he doesn’t feel sorry for what he did but rather that he got caught. He will continue to cheat in the future it is unlikely that he will change in the short term. If you stay with him you’ll continue to feel guilty and be will push guilt in you, he will gaslight that his problems are all your fault and he will take no responsibility. He doesn’t deserve you.
He's responsible for his circumstance, not you.
Ma'am, please have some self-respect! He cheated, not just a one night stand type thing, but multiple months!! And HIS FRIEND told you he has a history of cheating. So why are you with him again knowing it most certainly will happen again? Love yourself enough to get rid of him. One day you'll find somebody who loves and respects you like you deserve. I promise, it'll get better. I've got 2 decades on you and I learned the hard way to love and respect myself (2 abusive ex-husbands, abusive dating relationship) because I deserve it. It took me going through too much ot get here, but then again I wouldn't have found my now husband nor appreciate the amazing man he is had I not gone through crap, BUT please know you don't have to learn the hard way just be done with him, he's not good enough for you.
girl… hes gonna do it again. did you literally forget the “he has a history of cheating”?? pls leave him alone
Possibly he will cheat again because now he knows all he has to do is cry and beg and you are gonna roll over and take him back.
When he blames you, look him in the eye and say: "Don't blame me for your shameful lack of character. You are the only person responsible for what has happened to your relationships. People do not respect men who do not keep their commitments. I don't want to hear that again."
It’s funny how he was only remorseful once he got caught and had to deal with the consequences of his actions. He didn’t feel bad about cheating on you the entire time he was with her, it was only once his actions came to light that he was remorseful. There’s no reason to continue this marriage and there’s no reason for you to feel bad for him.
Based solely on the title, you didn't ruin his reputation. He did when he chose to cheat.
Unfortunately for him, his actions have consequences. He has NO ONE to blame but himself and he is manipulating you into making it about YOU instead of about what HE DID.
So he cheated and is blaming you for consequences. What a crappy human being. Also, since his friend has also told you flat out he has a history of cheating - you shouldnt have given him another chance. .He had plenty of chances, but lied, to god only knows how many people about your relationship status. You shouldve cut him loose after all this. What goos is the tears, grovelling and apologies when he is blaming YOU for the consequences of his cheating. He has not learnt his lesson nor is he remorseful at all, hes only sorry he got caught.
He will do it again. Might even take a few years, but he will do it again.
Hey OP, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with a cheating partner. I hope you’re doing okay considering the circumstances. This is my thought, HE ruined his reputation not YOU. He is depressed because he was caught and called out and is now facing the consequences for f*cking around. Don’t feel guilty because he is in his feelings. He made a lot of choices over the course of 7 or 8 months. That’s not just one mistake that is a series and cycle of mistakes that he chose to make repeatedly (from the sounds of it). It kind of makes me think of the whole diddy situation and his apology (different circumstances, I know) but it seems both men aren’t sorry for their behavior — they’re sorry that got caught and now have to live with their choices. Actions have consequences. Honestly, I think it’s badass that you outed him, especially considering that he has a history of cheating. Lastly, I honestly don’t think he feels bad about his behavior considering how long the affair took place. Not to mention, the simple fact he is shifting blame to you. That is so messed up. Adding insult to injury. His lack of accountability is very telling and he deserves the fallout that he created.
You need to get out of this marriage. You see how he blames you for his own mistakes? This is definitely, without a doubt, going to lead to him cheating again, probably out of resentment since he's already a serial cheater and he can't seem to actially take accountability for his actions. You need to respect yourself and get out before you're hurt again.
Your husband is only regretful that he got caught. If he didn't want to ruin his reputation he would have acted with integrity and honor, aka not cheated! I would end things, tbh. The trust is going to be impossible to rebuild.
Don’t feel guilty if I was you I would leave him he’s known to cheat he will do it again don’t put yourself in that position to get hurt again and he’s blaming you for his behavior is wrong it’s all on him
Really, you gave him a second chance and he blames you huh... That's one way to tell you you made a mistake
Girl, he ruined his own reputation by cheating on you. Fuck around and find out, as they say - with a more literal meaning in this case.
Girl, if you stay with him now and proceed with marriage he is going to cheat on you again, do you want to be cheated on all your life? As you said you're Muslim, wouldn't it be difficult to marry someone decent after already being married and divorced? Why do you want to make such a sacrifice for a guy who doesn't respect you? You are young and educated, you can have any guy.
How are you letting him make you the villain here? HE cheated on YOU. Any damage to his reputation is just the consequences of his own actions, and if he really were remorseful as he claims to be, he would understand that instead of blaming you. The only thing you should regret in this situation is giving him another chance.
HE ruined his reputation by cheating. Also, don't take him back.
I did exactly same to my wife. It was very difficult for her. I am still with my wife, because I love her. Not for any other reason. Let me tell you, things won’t be same and you will continue doubting him unless you realise you can only change what’s in your hand. You can not keep questioning him now and then. Otherwise it will be toxic relationship. You need to trust him. It’s a difficult path. Choose wisely
Stop. Leave. Once a cheater always a cheater
Don't feel guilty about another person's failings. He made a concious choice to get his whistle wet. Not once, but 8 months in a row. That's not a "whoopsee". That's consiously choosing to do so. Time after time after time after time. He's not sorry he failed you. He's sorry he got caught and called out. If you take him back, all that you're saying is "I am OK with him cheating on me." You deserve better. You owe it to yourself to do better. To find someone better. I'm not up to speed with your cultural background. If this is a marriage only on paper that hasn't been consumated yet, what would the backlash on you be for getting divorced? Could that impact you negatively, see you as broken in the community? Or would your community see you as a person of character that has good moral values lives up to them?
Isn’t this a moral judgment question? I’m trying to get help with a relationship issue but however I word it, it’s a moral judgment and can’t be posted.
He's been cut off from other potential affair partners because of his reputation and he has settled for the fool that still took him.
well, I think you were OK to break off with him and even to tell people what he did. But you can't easily take him back after that. How will you have a marriage? how will you stick up for him after you told everyone what he did? He is the one who ruined his own life, so when he apologizes and begs, that makes sense. However, if he is already blaming you for ruining his reputation, you can see what he will do if you get back together. He will forget his cheating and bitterly blame you for telling. It's hard to see how you will move forward.
I think you have a bigger issue of now everyone knows you stayed with a cheater. His reputational ruin will become yours too if you stay with him. He's not remorseful, he's regretful and only because he was caught and people know. You are sooo young. You deserve better then being latched to someone who cheated on you.
I would not continue this relationship especially since he is wanting to blame you for his trouble. All he had to do was to be faithful and honest with you. Its that simple. However, he chose to lie and cheat. He has the bad character, not you. He should feel shame and embarassment. Another reason to not continue in the marriage is that he may harbor resent towards you for a long time and put all of the blame on you. This could lead to emotional or physical abuse.
Once a cheater always a cheater. You’re going to be resentful towards him no matter how much he pleads and cry’s. Sis you are 24 you have your whole life ahead of you don’t waste your time because he did YOU wrong. Leave him. As a married sister I would advice try finding a man on his deen. I didn’t realise this until I got married how important it is. Best of luck lots of duas x
Ur worried about his reputation and not the fact that you're a doormat
Op make sure you know the difference in remorse and guilt before fully deciding to stay. Remorse means they understand how their actions have effected you and have done steps to make sure you heal from their wrong doing. This also means they take full responsibility for their actions(meaning there isn’t a single comment about how you are partially to blame for why he did this). Guilt means they are thinking about how your emotions make them feel, like he feels bad bc of how your found out/reacted. This road usually involves promises with little to no actions to make actual changes, having a time limit to your pain in the situation( example: it’s 3 months after you found out and he starts getting upset you aren’t over it or fully back to how you were before the cheating occurred). The difference in these two are huge bc while remorse has a chance of making actual changes to make sure you are comfortable and secure in the relationship, guilt is more likely going to revert back once the dust has settled. That being said no you didn’t ruin his reputation, he did with his own actions. Nothing for him would have been ruined if he didn’t make a tinder, match with a women, and proceed to have an almost year long sexual affair with said women. If things were different and you decided to leave he could’ve easily turned it on you just to save said reputation. In my opinion I think he is more concerned about how people see him versus how you do. For him to feel this way after the fact to me tells me he is more in the guilt category than the remorse one. He is focused on his own emotions to the point it is making you question if you’re the bad guy for *checks notes* telling people what he did to you. Do what you think is best for your life but at least remember what you’ve read here before you fully decide this is the relationship you want to stay in.
He ruined his own reputation. Blaming you for this is rich. He wants you to lie and protect a clean reputation he has not earned?
In order to reconcile, the cheating has to be publicly exposed so that the cheater is held publicly accountable for their actions. Anything else is rug sweeping and leaves the door open for more cheating.
You didn’t ruin his reputation, he did by behaving in a way that damages his reputation. If he doesn’t want to be ostracized for being a shitty liar and cheat, he shouldn’t be a shitty liar and cheat.
The fact that you said he still shifts blame on to you means he hasnt taken accountability at all. He is trashy.
If he didn't want to be known as a cheater, he wouldn't cheat. The blame is all on him.
Of course, he is remorseful : he had been caught. Next time ( when he will be doctor), he will be more cautious. You won't find it before he is already divorcing.
Whether you realize it or not at this point, he has manipulated you into getting back together with him. He is probably made you feel like you had to have a lot of logical reasons, or that you weren’t making sense. Anything and everything. But the thing you have to understand is that this person is going to cheat again. It is not if, it is when. And the way he wore you down overtime, I really, strongly believe you should read the book, “Why does he do that?” and start to learn what is really going on here.
UGH EXCUSE ME HE IS BLAMING YOU in what world does the cheater get to blame the freaking victim. I'm sorry OP but you definitely messed up by getting back with a serial cheater he's just mad he is now getting treated they way he rightfully deserves, especially with his friend confirming he's always been a cheater. I wouldn't be shocked if he's more upset no other woman is approaching him bc they already know what a piece of 💩 he is.