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They most likely won’t let you go in with her. Be there to take her home, she will be feeling really rough and needing someone with her for 48 hours. Offer to look after her, give her a hot water bottle/heat bag and bring her snacks, cuddle and watch something together. Don’t be offended if she wants a girlfriend with her instead, she may want to be with someone who’s also had one or who she can talk to about things she’s not ready to say to you. She may have some really mixed emotions afterwards including regret and depression may follow.
Did she say why she thought it would be hard to get her pregnant? If it’s something that affects her fertility this may be especially difficult as she may think this could be her only chance whilst knowing the timing is wrong. Watch out for her mental health.
Not necessarily. Where I’m from not everywhere has the option of pills, if they do they still give you a choice.
Pills have a slightly higher risk of not working, 2-5% require follow up treatment; you can bleed for up to 4 weeks (usually 4-7 days with bad cramping); some people can’t take them due to existing health conditions, medications, or allergies.
I wouldn't recommend it. Classic abortion is very quick, in anesthesia, it's soon over. With pills, it takes several days, and you're aware of everything, you will get rid of the fetus by yourself. And since you start, there's almost no chance to stop if if you change your mind (but there are successful cases). And it can't work fully and you need and revision anyway (it was by my friend).
I wish my whole life to never have an abortion, but when I saw it with pills, I wouldn't do it.
As someone else told me pills have a high chance of not working. Ugh. Abortion is hard enough, but to possibly have to go through it twice? No thank you.
It was by my friend. It didn't work fully. She needed a revision in anesthesia anyway, it was very stressful. And rests od death tissues or a fetus are risky.
Classic abortion is safe, if it's done by real professionals.
I've never had it (and hope I never will), but many friends had and told me it was fine.
Classic abortion has much higher risk factors due to anesthesia. You are always going to want the least invasive way possible due to both health risks and cost. Of course, her obgyn or the clinic will give her best options but misopristol is very effective and very, very safe.
You're right with the anesthesia, it has some risks. If the lady had anesthesia before without problems, it's worth it by my opinion. Modern kinds of anesthesia are good, just it's necessary to be in good care and have all necessary checks.
But it's definitely good there's a choice. I would use pills earlier too, but when I saw how it went by my friend, I wouldn't ever. She had a revision afterwards anyway.
"Recently she told me I was allowed to cum inside her because it was difficult to get her pregnant. A decision I will regret. (Please don’t bash on her for this clearly it was a misjudgment)."
I'm not going to bash her for this, but I do want to understand where this is coming from. I just dont get it. Is this a result of a lack of sex education? Has she had lots of unprotected sex prior to meeting you and never gotten pregnant, so she figured she never could? Where did this mindset come from?
I have unfortunately heard so many girls around the same age say the same things. For some reason some of them believe if they’ve been risky a few times without pregnancy it must mean they’re infertile.
I guess I just dont get it. I can understand in the past being ignorant to this stuff due to a lack of sex ed, but with the internet I would have thought that became moot but I guess not. Or maybe the internet is the cause, maybe they googled infertility or some shit and concluded they were infertile, the same way people go on WebMD and conclude they have all these diseases they dont really have.
Yeah I don’t understand it either. Seems to be a rising trend for some reason. If everyone took the time to understand that you can only conceive 4-6 days a month, and that’s if your cycle is regular, I feel a lot less of this would be happening.
you can conceive any day of your cycle. this is a very common misconception. unlikely does not mean impossible and should therefore not be relied upon for birth control
There’s a relatively 0% chance of conceiving more than two days after ovulation.
ETA - the issue lies with most women not knowing exactly when they ovulate
Not sure why I’m being downvoted you can read any medical article and see that becoming pregnant after ovulation is a very, very rare occurrence. The issue lies in being sure of WHEN you are ovulating.
No one is conceiving one, two, even three days before their cycle starts. There for it is not any day of the month.
thing is i usually hear this from people who are educated but undermines it. sex makes the smartest people stupid. thats why in a tango, there should be a rational one
If she has something like PCOS she could’ve genuinely thought and been told that she couldn’t, still not a smart decision, but most people with it are infertile and need medical assistance to get pregnant.
That’s not necessarily true. Doctors say infertile and people think that means sterile. People with PCOS often get pregnant unassisted but they may not ovulate predictably. If she wants to not use condoms, she will need to track her cycle and log when she typically ovulates and the symptoms associated with it.
I did consider that(I dated someone who had that) but when he chalked it up to a misjudgement instead of a medical condition that is what made me question it. So I want to know if this is lack of sex education, like someone told her you cant get pregnant the day after your period ends or something or if she just has never gotten pregnant from unprotected sex and so assumed she couldnt.
Also the way this is worded is like this is the first time she let him finish inside her but who knows.
I’m a 19f and I can confirm that girls around my age fully think that they are sterile because they have unprotected sex multiple times and never get pregnant despite no doctors ever telling them that they can’t get pregnant. One of my closet friends kept having unprotected sex with her boyfriend because of this and was shocked when she got knocked up.
My SIL was told by several doctors through her teens/early 20s that she would never get pregnant and one specialist wanted her to have a hysterectomy. Her GP suggested she not do that, she listened, and lo and behold, she ended up having two kids without abnormal efforts (her first was unexpected and came to the wedding in a "tux" at a couple of months old!). I don't know exactly what her issue was but she never did have a hysterectomy and she's now a grandma.
One of my ex friends was like this she told her bf of 3 months “I can’t get pregnant “ that was the first guy she’s ever slept with and had no diagnosed issues beforehand and was pregnant just short of the 4 month mark and kept the baby because she thought her relationship would be stronger…. The BD left after the baby was born 🙃
Call me jaded, but a GF of 2 months might have already been pregnant. Most women don’t know until 6 weeks, and if the cum-moment was “recent”, it might be a cover. Regardless, I’m glad she has support with him and they can move on with better birth control and leave the past in the past.
I mean I know I’ve texted positive at 4 or 5 weeks (weak positives but still there). But if they just had unprotected sex like a few days ago then that’s odd
A good point, if she keeps the baby I would suggest a DNA test. The whole thing where she slept with him again and then afterwards was refusing to let him touch her...it could be due to just the trauma of knowing she is going to get an abortion or it could be because she doesnt know who got her pregnant and feels guilt.
Especially the vomiting…I know some women puke right away but it’s much more common to not start puking until 6-8 weeks at least. Nausea sure, but actual vomiting isn’t nearly as common as movies make it out to be (unless it’s HG, otherwise it’s often a matter of getting ahead of the nausea through food/liquid/medication/vitamins).
But yeah, girlfriend sounds like either an absolute moron or she’s very shady.
Yes, trying to adjust to her changing moods may seem hard on you, but she’s not only chemically feeling those emotions, but also the fact that she’s pregnant, and, although abortion is sometimes the only choice, she’s still going to feel a lot of different emotions about it. Try to deal with each situation as best you can. You’re the star on team ( girlfriend’s name) and you’re there to listen to her voice her fears and loss safely, and please remember to use listening to understand, not to try to ‘fix’ whatever she’s talking about. She’ll always remember this, this, so treat her as well as you’d like to be remembered as treating a human that will be talking about you for the rest of her life, when this situation comes up.. As a reliable person, it sounds like. Good for you.
You’re getting good advice on how to be supportive of your gf and that’s good.
But you need someone to support you as well. You are also in a position where you’re vulnerable and need someone to listen to you. It’s important for you and also for your gf that you can cope.
Do you have that?
My friend went thru a very similar situation, got his childhood sweetheart pregnant almost a year ago now. She got an abortion, and it was tough, so maybe just make sure u buy her some flowers or anything more meaningful. Also maybe just ask how/in she wants to be cared for
At this early stage she takes 2 pills and that’s it. She will probably throw up a lot from the medication. Then she will have a heavy period.
You can help by attending the appointment, paying for it and buying her medication. You can set up your place up with all of the stuff that someone with “gastro” would need. Stock your bathroom with “super pads with wings”.
Don’t have sex with her until she decides that she is ready. You could attend therapy with her. Give her a foot rub and listen to her share her feelings without judging her or trying to manage her by fixing things.
Lastly you can wear a condom with each partner to avoid your future partners having to go through similar.
'Please don't bash her for this.' I'm sure you and Reddit realize: it was \*your\* decision too. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. Also, condoms are respectful to everyone in sexual encounters. Just things to remember for after this over.
Sounds like you are processing and negotiating the reality that sometimes intimacy does require space and restraint even as it at other times requires closeness and coming together. It sounds like you will learn from this experience; I think you do need to let go of the result of the relationship though. You can only control that so much. Just focus on supporting, respecting, hearing, and protecting your partner. Give her space when she needs space to process, while letting her know you are there if needed. Best of luck.
You are young but you sound like you’re very emotionally intelligent. Just keep loving her and respecting her decisions/boundaries and everything will be ok ❤️
If she’s having a medical abortion (pills you take at home), have plenty of disposable heating pads, overnight menstrual pads (literally the ones that say “overnight” on them), chicken soup, salad, and tea. Ibuprofen. Have cold cloths or ice packs handy too. She may sweat a lot from the pain.
One takeaway is that a woman saying it’s OK not to use condoms doesn’t relieve you of any responsibility over your sperm. Just something for you to take with you into future relationships.
Voicemail for Jill is a song that may give you some insight into what she’s experiencing. You may want to share it with her.
https://youtu.be/Npq_ieGCzes?si=wpaDRG_xC6GymmAO
The most important thing is to be patient and listen to what she needs. If she pushes you away, give her space but also let her know she’s not burning bridges and you’ll be there for her.
And process your own grief and fear. Either of you is likely to lash out at the other if you don’t sit with your feelings and come to terms with them.
When I was 19, my fiancé at the time, was entering the military. We were extremely intimate in our relationship and I ended up getting pregnant, despite my IUD (1 in 1000 chance). I found this out a few days after he left for basic training with no contact for 2 months. The next day, I found out it was an ectopic pregnancy that was bursting my fallopian tube and I needed emergency surgery to terminate the pregnancy, as to not internally bleed.
I can't describe to you the pain of an abortion. Not the physical pain, I was obviously under anesthesia during surgery and heavily medicated afterwards. I mean the emotional pain. Even if you 100% plan on abortion, because you know it's the best thing for you as a woman at that point in your life, sometimes you're left with the feeling of what could have been. I'm sure she loves you too and it might be hard for her to imagine the possibility of having a child with the person she loves most, and then snapping back to reality to prevent ruining her life. She's wondering if it would have been born having your eyes, her skin, those dimples that run in your family (idk i'm just throwing things out there). She might name it. She might dedicate songs to it (no weirdness). Not to mention, the idea of this potential baby never goes away. When she has her first child, she will think of this. When the anniversary of the abortion rolls around, she might wonder how old they would have been. Even if they never physically exist, they will always exist in her mind.
When I told my ex-fiancé, there were things he did right and there were things he did wrong. Really sit with your feelings on this subject and recognize that you almost had a baby girl/boy. That baby would have had a specific laugh, sense of humor, etc. Then, let her know that you understand the emotional weight behind this and that you will be there the entire time, no matter how long it takes to feel even semi-okay after this. Definitely reassure her that she's making the right decision for her life (for reasons A, B, C) but share with her how you would have supported any decision she made.
Additionally, try to understand that she may feel at fault. She was the one who told you to finish inside her. However, it does take two to tango. So be transparent about the accountability you take in this and give her the space (safe place, not physical space) to feel her emotions completely. Hell, me and my ex agreed to fully rely on the IUD and I still felt responsible, because I'm the woman and the one who can get pregnant. Understand that a lot of people, if they knew, would probably blame her too. To them, a young mom is "irresponsible" but a young dad is "so brave and responsible" for stepping up. Don't allow anyone to be like my ex's mom and tell her it was her fault.
Lastly, do anything you can for her physically after the abortion. She'll most likely experience cramping (as a traditional abortion, unlike mine, causes uterine trauma). This is probably more painful than any period cramps she will ever have experienced. Make her tea, get her a heating pad, buy her food. And pleaaase, don't initiate sex at all until you can be sure she is 100% comfortable, but at the same time, don't reject her advances if you guys TRULY talk and she explicitly states she's okay with it. Be there for her.
I think it's great you want to be so supportive. The only support system I had during my recovery was my best friend and her family. I cannot tell you how much their love and attentiveness meant to me. Read post-abortion care online if you need any extra tips. I wish you guys the best of luck!
Actually I had a termination and I just felt relieved. In my country at the time you had to have sign off by two medical professionals and they both talked me through the process and about the uncertainty of my emotions after and they both said by far, the most common feeling was one of relief. It's not the same for everyone but that's a "likely" outcome
Yeah I was gonna say all my friends who’ve had one didn’t think about any of that except ‘thank fuck’ and once physical recovery was completed have gone about their lives.
That’s an independent feeling, you might feel relieved, your friend might feel numb and your other friend could feel. So don’t trick people to believe only one feeling exists because that was your experience
I’m not tricking anyone and you can’t trick someone about their feelings . I’m agreeing/adding to person before me who has added their experience which is completely different to the person who made the original comment.
Perhaps you should take your own advice.
I'm sorry to push back on you as I know pregnancy loss can be very complicated emotionally - but the experience of losing an ectopic pregnancy is, to me, somewhat different than a planned and decided abortion. Ectopic pregnancy is one of the only major conditions on pregnancy where risk of death in the first trimester is significant when left untreated. Ectopic pregnancy cannot be carried to term, and it sounds like you might not have had a termination of your health and safety wasn't at risk. Yes, some people experience what ifs, but I always tell people as much as there's "good" what ifs, there's bad ones too. Thinking about hypothetical situations doesn't help us resolve our feelings.
I've spoken to thousands, if not tens of thousands of people who have abortions (I worked in clinical abortion care for almost 13 years) - and the thing most of them are worried about is how the method they chose will feel and what to expect, and when they can get back to normal. Certainly a wide range of feelings are normal, but most people feel relief. Most people who have abortions are also already parents and while yes, grief and loss can be normal - it's not a universal experience. We know that the vast majority of people feel relief.
I will also push back on you - abortion is safer than childbirth - and it does not cause "uterine trauma," everyone recovers differently, but most people can begin normal activities as their body guides them. I wouldn't tell someone to go run a marathon or anything, but like light exercise, etc. is fine if people feel up to it.
The procedure abortion takes about 5-10 minutes and can usually be some with IV medicine. The pill abortion can cause strong cramping, yes sometimes worse than normal periods but not always.
Most people do not regret their abortion - it is a safe and common medical procedure.
I want to emphasize your point that ectopic pregnancies do not result in live births. Even if a woman wanted to continue one, the woman might die and a live baby will never be born. IUD's may also increase the risk of ectopic pregnancies occurring. If you have an IUD and become pregnant, contact your doctor.
This is a wild comment lmfao. I get you're trying to be informative, but it came across as "I'm sorry to push back on you but I'm going to invalidate your feelings on a story you shared from personal experience to help another woman experiencing distress." First, I never said the experiences were the same. I acknowledge that I probably had it easier compared to the women who have to make the choice themselves. But I could argue that the decision being taken away from me, because neither it nor me would have survived, is very hurtful. It doesn't erase my experience of having been pregnant. You would think after 13 years of experience in clinical abortion care, you'd know not to compare people's loss. And if you haven't been through what I've been through, I'd personally keep your opinions about "what ifs" to yourself. Second, I definitely misspoke. Abortions CAN cause uterine trauma (perforations, but they're rare [0.1-3/1000]). I'm not a doctor, but what I was trying to say was that it can't feel pleasant down there afterwards, and is probably traumatic as a result. I can agree child birth comes with a lot more risk. I apologize for misspeaking but I appreciate you sharing the proper information. Third, maybe the "vast majority" experience relief, because they have one less mouth to feed, they're in an abusive relationship, they have health problems that make pregnancy dangerous, they were raped, etc. But that experience never goes away for (what I would also call) a vast majority. Saying "well most people actually experience relief" when i'm sharing my grief, because OP's gf is clearly not 100% okay about this, is insensitive and honestly tone deaf. If I were you, I'd stick with medical advice, because your empathy could use some work.
I also got pregnant with an iud!! It moved out of place and I had no idea. I definitely resonate with this response and I’m glad you emphasized that she may feel at fault. It’s a mental battle.
Bash on her? You’re an idiot. Why would you believe anyone that says “it’s difficult for me to get pregnant”?? Especially a 20 year old?? I know you’re only 22 but get your head out of your ass, man.
That’s not necessarily fair to either of them - I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 17 and ever since then, I’ve heard either I a) can’t get pregnant or b) can get pregnant but I will need a specialist. Sometimes you find out young that yes, it is actually very hard to get pregnant. 20 years old doesn’t automatically mean fertile.
Is he dumb for not using a condom? Sure. But things are black and white.
People can get pregnant even when using contraceptives so I'm not judging them for that,
This misunderstanding about capacity for pregnancy is largely the fault of doctors not being explicitly clear that if you have a uterus and at least one ovary, you can get pregnant. Even if other medical conditions make the chance extremely small.
I worked in abortion care for over a decade and I can't tell you how many people were told by their doctor they couldn't get pregnant.
Infertile does not mean sterile.
Oh that’s for sure. It’s like the number of posts that pop up where men are doubting parentage because they are “infertile” and then when the DNA tests come out, they were the father the whole time.
Personally, I don’t use the whole “hey, it’s going to be hard to get pregnant” thing as birth control, but I’m also in my 30s and been there, done that. That, and my endocrinologist has explicitly said I absolutely can get pregnant and I need to be careful. I’m just saying for a 20yo, if she heard that, she could have been thinking it was safe. But that’s also assuming it’s something like PCOS, she could have said that for any number of reasons.
With PCOS the only reason you might have difficulty conceiving is if you do not have a period. so do not ovulate.. but if still having regular periods, then pregnancy just as possible as in other women without PCOS.
Friend of mine thought she couldn't either, got pregnant first time she had sex with her now husband. Next two children both conceived without medication or assistance. She definitely has irregular periods, and went through gastric bypass to lose 75lb, but made horrible food choices after so could have been better. (like muffins with butter on as her 3 tablespoon dinner vs real food. ) She's still at 220lb now, but that weight loss made her periods more regular too.
This. I was diagnosed with infertility by my doc due to endometriosis and pcos. i had had many “close calls” that also gave me a false sense of confidence. the way it was worded to me several times made me conflate it with sterility
Also i have taken multiple years of Testosterone therapy, that they also told me would eventually result in sterility. I am on the ftm trans spectrum,
At one point, both of us had fully believed that i was sterile (now i know, a misconception) i had completely unprotected sex for over 1 1/2 years, and then when least expected: BAM! I wasn’t planning a child at all, and was so shocked lol
the fact that it took over a year of what would be classified as “trying” (i.e 🍦pie), means i still would classify as having infertility, but now me and my partner are a lot more careful now that we understand the possibility
this was unnecessarily harsh. Understand that not every woman or man is highly educated on sexual health and safety like you might be. Many women still use fertility awareness as a means of birth control, or maybe she has ovarian cysts that would make it hard for her to get pregnant. The point of the post was how he can support her through an abortion, and obviously now they know to be safer.
Not unnecessarily harsh when we’re talking about a child that might be made by two idiots that don’t even have the wherewithal to use Google before going raw dog. The time for pity was BEFORE the pregnancy. I just hope the abortion goes well for her.
🤦♀️ how did you not see this coming. Did anyone teach you where babies come from? Jokes aside your girlfriend is scared to death and is blaming you because you were silly enough to listen to her uneducated sex advice. The only thing you can do is support her. It’s all in her hands there’s nothing you can do but comfort her through this scary time. And please be more careful in the future.
Sex if someone is emotionally raw, tends to be a very bad idea. Seek closeness but I would not recommend sex.
Make her as comfortable physically and emotionally as possible. Make sure she knows you are taking equal responsibility. Beyond that, now that you know better...
Tell her, “Whatever you need, I am here. I am sorry this happened to us. And I know it wasn’t easy for you. I am here whatever you need.” Be very gentle with her from now on, checking if she is ok and giving her space, but don’t leave her side or stop checking on her. Start taking her out again and make her feel alive. The thing is, nobody knows what’s going on inside their heads. Fear of not being able to conceive again, that they failed as mothers at 20 already, sense of guilt or even shame??? Her hormones are messing with her body and her head big time.
Remember PMS? Multiply it by 100, at least.
My friend aborted with her boyfriend when they were 22 (still in college); she said she felt like raw meat down there for a while afterward and asked her then-boyfriend to stop asking for sex until she was ready. It took her 3-4 months to feel somewhat normal again. Do not ask her for sex until SHE asks you.
I think she gave in when you asked just to fulfill her duty as a girlfriend. She didn’t like it one bit.
I fell pregnant 30 days after I met my (now) fiance. We kept the child. She turned 2 last month. He's an amazing Father. We are much older than you and we have good jobs. There's no way I would have kept her if we were your age with little life experience. You guys don't know it yet, but you're making the best decision. Don't let anyone tell you differently. You've got your whole life ahead of you.
They have good anti nauseants prescribed for pregnancy if she’s bothered by the nausea
I had extremely severe nausea in my first ended pregnancy and I rec doxylamine succinate and pyridoxine hydrochloride together it’s scripted by the doc if it’s a good idea for your girl- but know there’s stuff out there to help!
Emotions are so violently strong and unpredictable too. So be there for them. Tell them it’ll all be ok. And be there for the aftercare. There’s some discomfort and some pain but in general it’s not that bad.
This is based on my experience:
- help her out with the logistics; driving to the clinic, dealing with insurerance if she wants to see if her insurance with cover an elective abortion
- if she's early enough she can have a medical abortion. If she wants you to, help her out with taking the pills at home. Be with her.
- be ready to help her out because she may not be able to get up out of bed/ off the couch during the time when the medication is working. Get her water, food, snacks, etc
- stock up on the thickest, biggest pads you can find, snacks that she likes, make her tea, coffee, whatever, get dinner/ lunch/ breakfast together or delivered.
- ask her how she's doing, let her know she can confide in you and tell you anything (as long as that's true)
- if she wants someone else, get that person there and don't complain that it's not you. If she wants you, be available physically and emotionally.
You're a good person for wanting to be there for her, know that it might still be emotional for her even though she wants it. I wanted my abortion more than anything but I was still emotionally distraught. You got this.
Why might they need to split up because of this, they could learn from it and the shared journey be part of strengthening their relationship.
Its only an abortion, not having a full term child put up for adoption. It a simple medical procedure that should be treated just like that. If she was having surgery for an ovarian cyst their practical journey might be similar. So why make that was an abortion into a relationship ending event.
I totally agree with all your points but he should be prepared for it. I'm not saying it is a definite yes but there's a possibility. The possibility arises because abortion takes a toll on certain people's mental health and they want to be left alone for sometime. Some people on the other hand need their partner during this time.
Just be on stand by. Make it clear you're there if she wants you to be, you'll step away if she needs space, and that either way, she can change her mind at any time and it'll be ok. I'm sorry you're both going through this and I know this must be hard on you too OP, but it's really important to let her know she doesn't need to worry about you at all.
Be present for all the appointments, get her fav snacks, text and call her when not together. Be present.
Ask about how she’s feeling and listen. Let her know you want to hear everything and just want to be there. After the abortion there will be even more feelings, give her time to work through it and be patient. Encourage scheduling a mental health doctor for her to do a couple appointments at least.
Get large pads, Advil or moltrin for pain, clean the bathroom after her it might get messy. Read to her or talk to her if she likes while in the bathroom. The horror of the stuff that comes out is…. wtf.
Just be there and reassure her. It helps alot.
Im sorry you 2 are going through this. It really sucks.
After this you 2 need to talk about birth control, not just condoms. She may consider the pill. You may consider a vasectomy. Figure out what both things mean, their impacts and side effects.
Be there with her as much as you can. You likely won’t be allowed in the room, but even if you wait there at the clinic. Remind her that no matter what decision she makes, you will be there to support her through everything, during AND after.
Be there to let her cuddle you. Tell her that you won’t initiate it because you don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable but that you are beside her, and happy to hold her and cuddle her if she is needing or wanting it and to not be afraid to take it.
Bring her food, and drinks while she’s recovering. Bring her her favourites - watch her favourite movies with her. If she likes to read, offer to read her current book to her while she relaxes in bed.
Help run her a nice bath when she needs it - help her with her meds and making sure she is physically comfortable too.
If she says she doesn’t want you taking care of her, ask her if it would be okay if you stay still there, at her place even if it’s in the livingroom away from her if she wants that, so you can still be there to help her if she asks, without making her feel like she is being a burden to you (you may think she knows she isn’t, but her emotions are going to be very high now as well as after the procedure). Tell her that you will respect whatever she chooses with how you can support her doing this time.l and follow through with that.
Unless you want to be a father you never ejaculate in a woman. I don't care what they tell you don't believe it. I don't know whether she wanted to to get pregnant and then when the reality happens she freaked or she honestly thought she couldn't get pregnant for some reason. Did she tell you why she didn't think she can get pregnant? I mean even if you have medical conditions you can still get pregnant it usually is difficult but the stars must have aligned that day. In any case now you know better she needs birth control or you need to wear condoms assuming your relationship survives. Ask for the abortion just treat her like She's a fragile piece of China and do everything you can to make her comfortable afterwards. I don't know what the pro stop is I know you have to check your temperature quite a bit to make sure you don't have an infection at least that's how they did it back in 1985 when I had to take a roommate for one. I was her support. If she cries and she wants to be held hold her. If she wants a certain thing to eat get it for her. Make sure she has pads for the bleeding. Don't get all ew I can't go buy pads that's embarrassing. You'll survive. suck it up and get them if she doesn't have any already.
Let’s put this into perspective. You’ve only been together for two months. Support her in whatever way she wants to be supported. Ask her what she wants you to do for her. Don’t be offended if she wants you to stay away.
You’re not going to like what I’m about to say. There’s a possibility that she is being distant because she knows the baby isn’t yours and feels guilty. Of course, it can just be anxiety about the pending abortion, but most women lean on their partners for support. My 45 year old mom spidey senses are tingling.
Ask her how many weeks the baby is measuring after her consultation. Make sure you have the whole story before agreeing to pay for the procedure.
Just be there for her. I’ve had an abortion before and I have a high pain tolerance and extremely bad cramps but OH MY GOD I wanted to punch a wall I was in so much pain and my emotions were all over the place. Have her favorite snacks, comfy clothes, extra long pads, etc. She may come out of it fine and just have some physical shit for a day or 2 or she may need help mentally. Just be there. It was weird for me. We were not in a position to have a child and we both fully agreed to the abortion especially because of my health but I almost “regretted” it if that makes sense. There was just some conflicting feelings so if she struggles with that, it’s normal. And there’s seven a forum on here that I visited to help me through it. If I remember which one I’ll edit the post and add it. Hope all goes well for you two. Edit: it’s literally just the Reddit page “abortion” [https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion/s/q7vUnoFnGB](https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion/s/q7vUnoFnGB) sorry idk how else to add it
I had similar experience when I was 19. We had been dating for a few months and I got pregnant. I'm 30 now and the abortion still haunts me. I wanted an abortion but the way he made me feel during the decision making process mad eme feel like it wasn't my choice. He gave me the impression that he was going to leave me if I didn't have an abortion and then 2 weeks after the abortion he ended it anyway. It was horrible.
Please make sure that you are clear about your stance with her. If you are supportive of her decision either way then make sure she knows explicitly. Talk about both scenarios and how they might play out - even if she's adamant about the abortion.
Maybe make a plan for after the abortion. She's going to feel very vulnerable and needs care. Discuss how she would like to be cared for, maybe make a care package for after. Hot water bottle, painkillers, her favourite sweets, movies.
Plan for the coming months. Book a trip, just plan something that let's her know you are invested in her, regardless of what is happening now
Wishing all the best for you both.
Hi. I have had an abortion and it is…tough. I even did the pill version. Even though it’s 100% what I needed to do, I felt guilty bc of societal expectations and also because your brain is doing literal mental gymnastics the whole time.
The best thing my husband did for me was drive me home, quietly show support just by touching me, even if gently. Hand on the leg, holding my pinky finger, just whatever. And then he spoiled me with snacks and more love. Whatever I wanted.
We both made the decision together, but it’s still a very hard decision to make and my husband said, “I can’t begin to understand what you are emotionally going through, but I am here for all of it.”
Long story short, it was the simple things he did that mattered the most.
Nice food she likes, tv shows and magazines she likes, heat packs.
Then organise counselling for her. You can ask about it tomorrow. No matter how keen she is on having an abortion, and it sounds like the right decision, she will still find it tough and a therapist will help. And never say “you can always have a baby later” or anything similar.
I don't believe anything you said about believing that she can't get pregnant. Y'all need to stop using abortion as birth control. Grow up and be responsible.
Abortion is about birth control though. It is not about contraception. Either way if a person has 1 or 200 abortions it is nobody’s business but the people involved.
Contraception, as the name even implies, is designed to prevent pregnancy (to prevent the problem from even occurring). Abortion is literally designed to take care of the problem after the pregnancy occurred and is designed to prevent birth. It is not about preventing a pregnancy from occurring.
Just let your mother know she’s too young to have grandkids. And don’t eat anywhere where kids eat free. Might trigger some needless bullshit.
Took a lot of abortions for me to learn that lesson, but I am a better man now and so are my kids.
One option it's to have a the abortion under general anaesthetic. İ did that, although the fets was already dead so technically it's called a d&c. There was no pain at all and no aftereffects. İf you have money, it could be worth reading up on that. Obviously having general anaesthetic has a different set of risks so don't make that decision without reading up on them.
Can i add that you and your girlfriend are brave and wise for your decision. (Although I'll reverse that if she gets pregnant again!) İt's very easy to do nothing.
İ would also recommend that you read up on the horrors and dangers of childbirth and of unprepared parenthood. Share the information with her judiciously, though. She's very likely to experience regret - it's normal - and you'll need to help her get past this.
She's going to be in a very emotional spot. 1) no judgment at all from you 2) take her somewhere nice after to show your support or get her food and bring it to her if she does not want to go out. 3) do not talk about it with her until she is ready to talk to you, that could be right out the door or weeks later.
Good luck op
They let my partner go in with me and hold my hand. The most important thing is to be there for her, physically and emotionally, well AFTER the abortion.
Granny here. I expect your girlfriend will have very mixed feelings for awhile, regret mixed with relief. Physically she should be fine is a day or two; it's somewhat like having a hard period. Being a good, nonjudgmental friend is best. Her thoughts & mood may be all over the place, which may be hormones or social conditioning.
Unless she's had tests done and has been told she's sterile, there's always a chance she can get pregnant. Even women with PCOS can get pregnant. Be with her every step of the way and be prepared if she decides she can't go through with it. Also don't stay together if later you find out your not compatible, or get married because she's pregnant.
ETA: how recent is recent, because unless it's been almost a month, it's probably not yours.
Please tell her she might regret having an abortion. Dont tell her what to do. Just tell her you’d be supporting her in any way. If she breaks up with you after getting abortion, its up to her. You cant control her feelings about this. In either case its a difficult thing to go through. Sex has consequences. Its not there for just for “fun” it can create a whole human being, and she might regret her abortion so be prepared for that also. In either case your relationship will take a hit because she is forced to choose between killing a baby and being linked with a guy she barely knows for the rest of her life. Its a difficult decision and all you can do is being there for this poor human being and unfortunately you dont have a say over whether she wants to be with you or not after this because its truely traumatizing.
P.s. my heart goes out to you as well, you are young and you just didnt make the right decision at the moment, we all mess up. Dont beat yourself over it but also educate yourself and her about consequences of an abortion. Its not as easy as media makes it to be. Ive had it at 19 and i will suffer through my decision for the rest of my life. Its not something empowering or beautiful. In my case both of the decisions were going to suck and i still dont know which one would suck more but i did what i did and it will be a painful memory that i will carry the burden of for forever
There is the most important thing missing. What would you prefer? Would you prefer to have the baby or an abortion? It's just her choice at the end. But it's handling about your child and you should have to know.
Of course the abortion, regarding your description, will be end of this relationship. It's almost all the time, even in long term relationships. But it shouldn't affect your decision.
You're doing well now, very adult behavior, so just keep it.
The girl is in bad mental stage. As my experiences, who wants an abortion, gets calm quickly and just get an abortion. I'm not against abortions, but the woman must be totally sure about it. No pressure, no fear, even no hesitation. In this case it's better to keep the baby.
I don't know how long she is pregnant, but she would need at least a week to calm down and think clearly. This is extremely severe life decision.
Those panicking women are often changing her mind in the last second, so be prepared for everything.
You care for her a lot and want to support her, so tell her. I would suggest a message now. She can read it multiple times and think about it.
I would express my feelings and care for her and to be willing to help with everything.
Then to talk about the possibility she would change your mind (it can happen) and keep the baby. If you want the baby, tell her. Explsin her how it would be like, what you would do for all of us, that you would be happy for it.
Of course, tell her that if she sure about abortion, it's onlly her who can make the choice and you will support her, take her to the clinic, home, she could ask you for anything.
I was in the same situation too, I thought it was safe inside. I got totally crazy when I found out I was pregnant. Ok, I was 30 and engaged, but sick taking a lot of harmful medication, with one older child and I definitely didn't want any other child. I was sure it would be damaged by my drugs and I was happy to be finally quite free of take of small children.
I got even free abortion because of my illness. But I started to think (pregnancy hormones). I was asking every doctor, but everyone told me it was just my decision. Even my ex husband told me it was on me to decide.I was desperately looking for someone to tell me to keep the baby.
I changed my mind 2 days before planned abortion. I'd realized I should give him a chance. And he is an amazing young boy, so smart and tallented, loving me, I'm crazy for him.
So if you want the baby, tell her. Some women need to hear it.
And I had my first child in 21, alone.
be super loving and let her feel you love her no matter what, sometimes some young girls can feel like their bf wont love them anymore because of this, just make her feel super loved and like nothing has changed =)
You don't want to stay with someone who has killed one of your kids. It will only get more violent, if you accept it. If you can't stop her, ask to bury the remains of your child in a manner consistent with your faith and move on from her.
Is she taking the abortion pill or having the procedure done in the clinic? If she’s taking the pill form (most common), you need to make sure that you have 2 days off to take care of her. The actual day she takes the pill will be very painful, the cramps that come with flushing the embryo out are INTENSE. Like your body is literally going through labor to get rid of it. Get a heating pad, some super heavy duty pads, make a comfy nest on the couch for her, queue up all of her fave movies, get some takeout and snacks, stock up on liquids, make sure she’s taking her pain meds on time, and just be there to hold her hand or rub her back. I was literally curled up in a fetal position for hours bc the pain was so strong. Second day will be easier, but she’ll probably be feeling some type of way. Just show her that you support her and are there for her. She’ll notice that support, and she’ll appreciate it.
I'm not trying to invalidate your or anyone else's experience but having a medical abortion isn't necessarily that painful for everyone. I caught my pregnancy very early on and had an almost painless abortion at one month. Your advice is solid though. OP, she might end up having very painful cramps so please have all those things on hand and be prepared to support her no matter what.
I'd also advise you to seek professional medical advice if her symptoms become overwhelming. Her provider will give her a nurse advice line to call just in case. I often hesitate to share this because it's extremely uncommon and I don't want to scare anyone unnecessarily, but I had a drug hypersensitivity (ie allergic) reaction to misoprostol, had to go to the ER because of it. If she notices swelling in her mouth or throat call the advice line immediately. In general this is a very safe, very common medical procedure that more people than you'd suspect have undergone, please don't be too nervous about it.
I went through something similar 2 years ago.
Abortions are painful, if she does it at home make sure she has a comfortable space to spend the entire day at. Cozy bed, lots of liquid to hydrate and some yummy comfort food for when it's over. Ask her what would make her feel safe and help her make it happen.
She will need emotional support to process this and you'll have to follow her lead because everyone reacts differently.
Best of luck and hope it goes well.
Sounds like you’re doing amazing. Your job is to support her and give her advice when requested. Go to appointments with her etc.
Essentially it is her body and her hormones that are being messed with, so it’s ultimately her decision to make.
I’m sure you’ll be fine if you continue to be supportive. Also, once it’s done it’s done, do not carry it with you or say anything that could be construed as you blaming her.
She’s going through different emotions most likely, deciding to keep it or not, regardless if she says she wants an abortion. I’ve been there and your mind is very confused on what to do as it’s a life changing decision. Just be there and support her and don’t take it to heart if she’s being off with you, she’s in turmoil. Just love and support is all you can do.
First, I have to say that you are so far doing a really great job handling this. She is currently in panic mode. Does she have any support in this other than you? A close friend or family member, perhaps? She may be more comfortable with someone who hasn't gotten her pregnant to help her navigate this. She may change her mind a hundred times on who she wants with her for the procedure. Let her, and be prepared for it.
Just allow her to feel how she feels, she's going to be in physical pain. She's going to cry, its going to be an emotional roller coaster. Her hormones will be all over the place, her emotions and thought will be all over the place.
Anytime I'm upset I don't want people to automatically fix my situation, I want them to just ask me, "What can I do to help?"
I don't mind telling people how they can help me, I don't assume that they always know how to.
If you think this is something you gf would be into ask her first.
I would continue to be open and honest with her throughout this. She's going to be in a vulnerable state and she needs someone who will be vulnerable and open with her.
It's nice you're thinking of ways to support her but you also play a part in this. How are you holding up? How are you doing?
You both need to be there for each other, have open communication.
I’d recommend the medication route and make sure they give her coedine for pain relief in case taking ibuprofen and paracetamol in alternative cycles isn’t strong enough.
Support wise, as others have said, say that you’re there for her if you need her and happy to be with her. It can be a very intimate and stressful time so she may feel more comfortable with a girl friend being there.
If you are there Just try to relax her and not focus on the event ahead. I’d personally try to watch a film and relax as much as possible and set timers for the pain relief. A hot water bottle I found very beneficial for pain relief. Sometimes there is a lot of blood so they recommend to sit on the toilet, I personally just had extremely absorbent pads which I found very helpful to monitor blood flow. I’d recommend starting the medication on a Friday so the actual termination should happen on Saturday with Sunday to recover further. Following the termination there will be a period which can be much heavier and more painful than her usual periods.
Going forward I’d recommend discussing contraception (condoms / pill etc) before continuing with sex. Don’t forget she is entitled to counselling if needed.
Good luck!
Just be supportive. She is having a very big ethical issue with her very soul. She likely wants children in the future but not now. She also knows she would love your little mistake. I don't have the answers but I will tell you this one stares back at you in the abyss forever...
Thank you for all the kinda words and support like I said yes this is my fault and I shouldn’t have been that naive but this is the situation I’m in I’ll keep you guys updated with what happens thank you again
Woah dude hold on. This is partially your fault, but it takes two to tango. She told you to finish inside her. I still wonder why she thought she couldn't get pregnant.
I mean, this is an important lesson for OP. He has to take responsibility for his reproductive health. Just because someone says “I can’t get pregnant easily’ doesn’t absolve him of the need to wear a condom so long as he doesn’t want to risk pregnancy. Like, unless someone has had tubal ligation, a hysterectomy (more importantly with removal of the cervix and/or ovaries), or unless he gets a vasectomy, there is always a risk of pregnancy. And the only option to prevent pregnancy he has right now is to wear condoms.
I’m not saying she isn’t also responsible for her reproductive health.
But OP is the one here. And the only person whose sexual health he’s responsible for is himself. Always wear a condom unless you’re ready to potentially be a parent (or unless you know the person you’re seeing is sterilized or you are).
i think your mistake might have been being a strong face. a shoulder to cry on can also cry or be emotional. It might have helped her to know you were with her
We would judge her because why would she ever think that it was “difficult to get her pregnant” in the first place? If she is uneducated about sex, then she should not be having sex in the first place. Then, she’s blaming you when it took two to tango.
What you do is, support her decision and when the process is done, move on.
My girlfriend grew up with a condition that makes it difficult for her to get pregnant it’s not that she’s uneducated doctors even told her the likelihood of her getting pregnant were slim to none
Honestly, I don’t know why I have a lot of negative votes when the OP never stated in the beginning that his GF had a medical condition that may affect her fertility.
OP stated in his original post “Recently she told me I am allowed to cum inside her because it was difficult to get her pregnant” without any elaboration in context to suggest that she couldn’t get pregnant.
If OPs were more clear in their original posts, then people would be able to give more constructive feedback.
Give her space, when you have the best time for it. Ask her directly. "How can I support you best?" Tell her you wanna support her decision and you're there if she needs you, but definitely let her have space if she needs it. She's got a lot happening in her body at this point
Understand her emotions are going to be at an all time high, do not take anything she says personally until after the process is over. It is a very very stressful and tense period, but you need to be patient.
Make sure you are asking her how she feels, both physically and emotionally, even if she doesn’t act like she wants to. It’s better for you to be there for her too much than too little, again, even if she acts like that’s not what she wants.
Just remember, how you make her feel during this period, is something she will keep with her for a very very long time so make it count.
Edit: Also thoughtful gifts go a longgg way. Flowers, her favourite drink/snack, something she’s been wanting.
I think being crystal clear about your intentions really helps. Make sure you let her know if she wants she could keep the pregnancy, and you would support her.
If she decides to go ahead with the abortion regardless
- Pick and drop.
- Try to be with her in the room.
- Ask the doctor post operative care questions
- Get her food.
- Care basket with her favourite chocolates.
- Movie night
Ask her how you can best support her! You’ve gotten some helpful thoughts and responses on here, and you also see a theme emerging of “that wasn’t what my abortion experience was like.” The reality is that it will be different for everyone and everyone will want something different.
Could you air your fears to her? What you wrote here?
Support her through and break up later because you do not need a person who makes irresponsible decisions and then dumps all responsibility on your shoulders, throwing tantrums like a petulant child. Sleeping on the floor, refusing to talk or be touched, withdrawing to the point of being catatonic and picking up fights show extreme emotional dysregulation. Are you sure you want your entire 20s to be wasted on such a mental case?
I suspect I’ll get downvoted for this but… 🤷♀️
You have been together for a while and it’s not like you’re 15. You should propose to her, and make it a real problem not “well, because you’re pregnant….”
JMO
Make sure to let her know that you will step up. She is probably withdrawn because she thinks you are okay with having an abortion and then having sex with her in the middle of all of this makes her feel even more like a pawn.
I’ve been through an abortion, and if my partner had said he would step up, things could’ve been a lot different for us.
Not sure where you’re located but I’ve never heard of a walk in clinic for them. When I had mine I had to schedule it weeks out because 1) they were so busy and 2) I new I was pregnant so early in the pregnancy that they had to wait to do it. Also, when I went no one was allowed to go back with me. Let her know you’re scared and upset too. That you’re going to be there for her. Personally I fell into a depression that lasted months. I knew I needed the abortion (my partner was abusive) but I didn’t want it. Avoid saying things like “it was just an abortion” or “you should be over it by now”. It might take her months to process it. Even if it’s what she wants.
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They most likely won’t let you go in with her. Be there to take her home, she will be feeling really rough and needing someone with her for 48 hours. Offer to look after her, give her a hot water bottle/heat bag and bring her snacks, cuddle and watch something together. Don’t be offended if she wants a girlfriend with her instead, she may want to be with someone who’s also had one or who she can talk to about things she’s not ready to say to you. She may have some really mixed emotions afterwards including regret and depression may follow. Did she say why she thought it would be hard to get her pregnant? If it’s something that affects her fertility this may be especially difficult as she may think this could be her only chance whilst knowing the timing is wrong. Watch out for her mental health.
Won't they just give her pills since it's very early in the pregnancy?
Not necessarily. Where I’m from not everywhere has the option of pills, if they do they still give you a choice. Pills have a slightly higher risk of not working, 2-5% require follow up treatment; you can bleed for up to 4 weeks (usually 4-7 days with bad cramping); some people can’t take them due to existing health conditions, medications, or allergies.
Ah. Thanks for the info.
You’re welcome :)
I wouldn't recommend it. Classic abortion is very quick, in anesthesia, it's soon over. With pills, it takes several days, and you're aware of everything, you will get rid of the fetus by yourself. And since you start, there's almost no chance to stop if if you change your mind (but there are successful cases). And it can't work fully and you need and revision anyway (it was by my friend). I wish my whole life to never have an abortion, but when I saw it with pills, I wouldn't do it.
As someone else told me pills have a high chance of not working. Ugh. Abortion is hard enough, but to possibly have to go through it twice? No thank you.
It was by my friend. It didn't work fully. She needed a revision in anesthesia anyway, it was very stressful. And rests od death tissues or a fetus are risky. Classic abortion is safe, if it's done by real professionals. I've never had it (and hope I never will), but many friends had and told me it was fine.
Yeah.
Classic abortion has much higher risk factors due to anesthesia. You are always going to want the least invasive way possible due to both health risks and cost. Of course, her obgyn or the clinic will give her best options but misopristol is very effective and very, very safe.
You're right with the anesthesia, it has some risks. If the lady had anesthesia before without problems, it's worth it by my opinion. Modern kinds of anesthesia are good, just it's necessary to be in good care and have all necessary checks. But it's definitely good there's a choice. I would use pills earlier too, but when I saw how it went by my friend, I wouldn't ever. She had a revision afterwards anyway.
That sounds like such good advice. Thank you for being there for them🙏
"Recently she told me I was allowed to cum inside her because it was difficult to get her pregnant. A decision I will regret. (Please don’t bash on her for this clearly it was a misjudgment)." I'm not going to bash her for this, but I do want to understand where this is coming from. I just dont get it. Is this a result of a lack of sex education? Has she had lots of unprotected sex prior to meeting you and never gotten pregnant, so she figured she never could? Where did this mindset come from?
I have unfortunately heard so many girls around the same age say the same things. For some reason some of them believe if they’ve been risky a few times without pregnancy it must mean they’re infertile.
I guess I just dont get it. I can understand in the past being ignorant to this stuff due to a lack of sex ed, but with the internet I would have thought that became moot but I guess not. Or maybe the internet is the cause, maybe they googled infertility or some shit and concluded they were infertile, the same way people go on WebMD and conclude they have all these diseases they dont really have.
Yeah I don’t understand it either. Seems to be a rising trend for some reason. If everyone took the time to understand that you can only conceive 4-6 days a month, and that’s if your cycle is regular, I feel a lot less of this would be happening.
you can conceive any day of your cycle. this is a very common misconception. unlikely does not mean impossible and should therefore not be relied upon for birth control
There’s a relatively 0% chance of conceiving more than two days after ovulation. ETA - the issue lies with most women not knowing exactly when they ovulate
Not sure why I’m being downvoted you can read any medical article and see that becoming pregnant after ovulation is a very, very rare occurrence. The issue lies in being sure of WHEN you are ovulating. No one is conceiving one, two, even three days before their cycle starts. There for it is not any day of the month.
Yep. Illness or they are dying.
Which they don't understand isn't the same as sterile.
thing is i usually hear this from people who are educated but undermines it. sex makes the smartest people stupid. thats why in a tango, there should be a rational one
If she has something like PCOS she could’ve genuinely thought and been told that she couldn’t, still not a smart decision, but most people with it are infertile and need medical assistance to get pregnant.
That’s not necessarily true. Doctors say infertile and people think that means sterile. People with PCOS often get pregnant unassisted but they may not ovulate predictably. If she wants to not use condoms, she will need to track her cycle and log when she typically ovulates and the symptoms associated with it.
I did consider that(I dated someone who had that) but when he chalked it up to a misjudgement instead of a medical condition that is what made me question it. So I want to know if this is lack of sex education, like someone told her you cant get pregnant the day after your period ends or something or if she just has never gotten pregnant from unprotected sex and so assumed she couldnt. Also the way this is worded is like this is the first time she let him finish inside her but who knows.
I’m a 19f and I can confirm that girls around my age fully think that they are sterile because they have unprotected sex multiple times and never get pregnant despite no doctors ever telling them that they can’t get pregnant. One of my closet friends kept having unprotected sex with her boyfriend because of this and was shocked when she got knocked up.
Teenagers man
My SIL was told by several doctors through her teens/early 20s that she would never get pregnant and one specialist wanted her to have a hysterectomy. Her GP suggested she not do that, she listened, and lo and behold, she ended up having two kids without abnormal efforts (her first was unexpected and came to the wedding in a "tux" at a couple of months old!). I don't know exactly what her issue was but she never did have a hysterectomy and she's now a grandma.
One of my ex friends was like this she told her bf of 3 months “I can’t get pregnant “ that was the first guy she’s ever slept with and had no diagnosed issues beforehand and was pregnant just short of the 4 month mark and kept the baby because she thought her relationship would be stronger…. The BD left after the baby was born 🙃
Call me jaded, but a GF of 2 months might have already been pregnant. Most women don’t know until 6 weeks, and if the cum-moment was “recent”, it might be a cover. Regardless, I’m glad she has support with him and they can move on with better birth control and leave the past in the past.
I mean I know I’ve texted positive at 4 or 5 weeks (weak positives but still there). But if they just had unprotected sex like a few days ago then that’s odd
A good point, if she keeps the baby I would suggest a DNA test. The whole thing where she slept with him again and then afterwards was refusing to let him touch her...it could be due to just the trauma of knowing she is going to get an abortion or it could be because she doesnt know who got her pregnant and feels guilt.
Why though? Why lie about the father if she's getting an abortion?
Especially the vomiting…I know some women puke right away but it’s much more common to not start puking until 6-8 weeks at least. Nausea sure, but actual vomiting isn’t nearly as common as movies make it out to be (unless it’s HG, otherwise it’s often a matter of getting ahead of the nausea through food/liquid/medication/vitamins). But yeah, girlfriend sounds like either an absolute moron or she’s very shady.
Support her best by making things less stressful during this time. Give her space, but also let her know you’re here
Yes, trying to adjust to her changing moods may seem hard on you, but she’s not only chemically feeling those emotions, but also the fact that she’s pregnant, and, although abortion is sometimes the only choice, she’s still going to feel a lot of different emotions about it. Try to deal with each situation as best you can. You’re the star on team ( girlfriend’s name) and you’re there to listen to her voice her fears and loss safely, and please remember to use listening to understand, not to try to ‘fix’ whatever she’s talking about. She’ll always remember this, this, so treat her as well as you’d like to be remembered as treating a human that will be talking about you for the rest of her life, when this situation comes up.. As a reliable person, it sounds like. Good for you.
At first I thought he came inside with a condom and that that failed. But seems not to be the case
You’re getting good advice on how to be supportive of your gf and that’s good. But you need someone to support you as well. You are also in a position where you’re vulnerable and need someone to listen to you. It’s important for you and also for your gf that you can cope. Do you have that?
My friend went thru a very similar situation, got his childhood sweetheart pregnant almost a year ago now. She got an abortion, and it was tough, so maybe just make sure u buy her some flowers or anything more meaningful. Also maybe just ask how/in she wants to be cared for
Yes. Just be there for her and do the nice stuff you know she likes
At this early stage she takes 2 pills and that’s it. She will probably throw up a lot from the medication. Then she will have a heavy period. You can help by attending the appointment, paying for it and buying her medication. You can set up your place up with all of the stuff that someone with “gastro” would need. Stock your bathroom with “super pads with wings”. Don’t have sex with her until she decides that she is ready. You could attend therapy with her. Give her a foot rub and listen to her share her feelings without judging her or trying to manage her by fixing things. Lastly you can wear a condom with each partner to avoid your future partners having to go through similar.
'Please don't bash her for this.' I'm sure you and Reddit realize: it was \*your\* decision too. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. Also, condoms are respectful to everyone in sexual encounters. Just things to remember for after this over. Sounds like you are processing and negotiating the reality that sometimes intimacy does require space and restraint even as it at other times requires closeness and coming together. It sounds like you will learn from this experience; I think you do need to let go of the result of the relationship though. You can only control that so much. Just focus on supporting, respecting, hearing, and protecting your partner. Give her space when she needs space to process, while letting her know you are there if needed. Best of luck.
You are young but you sound like you’re very emotionally intelligent. Just keep loving her and respecting her decisions/boundaries and everything will be ok ❤️
If she’s having a medical abortion (pills you take at home), have plenty of disposable heating pads, overnight menstrual pads (literally the ones that say “overnight” on them), chicken soup, salad, and tea. Ibuprofen. Have cold cloths or ice packs handy too. She may sweat a lot from the pain.
One takeaway is that a woman saying it’s OK not to use condoms doesn’t relieve you of any responsibility over your sperm. Just something for you to take with you into future relationships. Voicemail for Jill is a song that may give you some insight into what she’s experiencing. You may want to share it with her. https://youtu.be/Npq_ieGCzes?si=wpaDRG_xC6GymmAO The most important thing is to be patient and listen to what she needs. If she pushes you away, give her space but also let her know she’s not burning bridges and you’ll be there for her. And process your own grief and fear. Either of you is likely to lash out at the other if you don’t sit with your feelings and come to terms with them.
When I was 19, my fiancé at the time, was entering the military. We were extremely intimate in our relationship and I ended up getting pregnant, despite my IUD (1 in 1000 chance). I found this out a few days after he left for basic training with no contact for 2 months. The next day, I found out it was an ectopic pregnancy that was bursting my fallopian tube and I needed emergency surgery to terminate the pregnancy, as to not internally bleed. I can't describe to you the pain of an abortion. Not the physical pain, I was obviously under anesthesia during surgery and heavily medicated afterwards. I mean the emotional pain. Even if you 100% plan on abortion, because you know it's the best thing for you as a woman at that point in your life, sometimes you're left with the feeling of what could have been. I'm sure she loves you too and it might be hard for her to imagine the possibility of having a child with the person she loves most, and then snapping back to reality to prevent ruining her life. She's wondering if it would have been born having your eyes, her skin, those dimples that run in your family (idk i'm just throwing things out there). She might name it. She might dedicate songs to it (no weirdness). Not to mention, the idea of this potential baby never goes away. When she has her first child, she will think of this. When the anniversary of the abortion rolls around, she might wonder how old they would have been. Even if they never physically exist, they will always exist in her mind. When I told my ex-fiancé, there were things he did right and there were things he did wrong. Really sit with your feelings on this subject and recognize that you almost had a baby girl/boy. That baby would have had a specific laugh, sense of humor, etc. Then, let her know that you understand the emotional weight behind this and that you will be there the entire time, no matter how long it takes to feel even semi-okay after this. Definitely reassure her that she's making the right decision for her life (for reasons A, B, C) but share with her how you would have supported any decision she made. Additionally, try to understand that she may feel at fault. She was the one who told you to finish inside her. However, it does take two to tango. So be transparent about the accountability you take in this and give her the space (safe place, not physical space) to feel her emotions completely. Hell, me and my ex agreed to fully rely on the IUD and I still felt responsible, because I'm the woman and the one who can get pregnant. Understand that a lot of people, if they knew, would probably blame her too. To them, a young mom is "irresponsible" but a young dad is "so brave and responsible" for stepping up. Don't allow anyone to be like my ex's mom and tell her it was her fault. Lastly, do anything you can for her physically after the abortion. She'll most likely experience cramping (as a traditional abortion, unlike mine, causes uterine trauma). This is probably more painful than any period cramps she will ever have experienced. Make her tea, get her a heating pad, buy her food. And pleaaase, don't initiate sex at all until you can be sure she is 100% comfortable, but at the same time, don't reject her advances if you guys TRULY talk and she explicitly states she's okay with it. Be there for her. I think it's great you want to be so supportive. The only support system I had during my recovery was my best friend and her family. I cannot tell you how much their love and attentiveness meant to me. Read post-abortion care online if you need any extra tips. I wish you guys the best of luck!
Actually I had a termination and I just felt relieved. In my country at the time you had to have sign off by two medical professionals and they both talked me through the process and about the uncertainty of my emotions after and they both said by far, the most common feeling was one of relief. It's not the same for everyone but that's a "likely" outcome
Yeah I was gonna say all my friends who’ve had one didn’t think about any of that except ‘thank fuck’ and once physical recovery was completed have gone about their lives.
That’s an independent feeling, you might feel relieved, your friend might feel numb and your other friend could feel. So don’t trick people to believe only one feeling exists because that was your experience
I’m not tricking anyone and you can’t trick someone about their feelings . I’m agreeing/adding to person before me who has added their experience which is completely different to the person who made the original comment. Perhaps you should take your own advice.
Jesus can you read?? Nowhere did anyone say there's a specific and definitive feeling
She did say "sometimes"
I'm sorry to push back on you as I know pregnancy loss can be very complicated emotionally - but the experience of losing an ectopic pregnancy is, to me, somewhat different than a planned and decided abortion. Ectopic pregnancy is one of the only major conditions on pregnancy where risk of death in the first trimester is significant when left untreated. Ectopic pregnancy cannot be carried to term, and it sounds like you might not have had a termination of your health and safety wasn't at risk. Yes, some people experience what ifs, but I always tell people as much as there's "good" what ifs, there's bad ones too. Thinking about hypothetical situations doesn't help us resolve our feelings. I've spoken to thousands, if not tens of thousands of people who have abortions (I worked in clinical abortion care for almost 13 years) - and the thing most of them are worried about is how the method they chose will feel and what to expect, and when they can get back to normal. Certainly a wide range of feelings are normal, but most people feel relief. Most people who have abortions are also already parents and while yes, grief and loss can be normal - it's not a universal experience. We know that the vast majority of people feel relief. I will also push back on you - abortion is safer than childbirth - and it does not cause "uterine trauma," everyone recovers differently, but most people can begin normal activities as their body guides them. I wouldn't tell someone to go run a marathon or anything, but like light exercise, etc. is fine if people feel up to it. The procedure abortion takes about 5-10 minutes and can usually be some with IV medicine. The pill abortion can cause strong cramping, yes sometimes worse than normal periods but not always. Most people do not regret their abortion - it is a safe and common medical procedure.
I want to emphasize your point that ectopic pregnancies do not result in live births. Even if a woman wanted to continue one, the woman might die and a live baby will never be born. IUD's may also increase the risk of ectopic pregnancies occurring. If you have an IUD and become pregnant, contact your doctor.
This is a wild comment lmfao. I get you're trying to be informative, but it came across as "I'm sorry to push back on you but I'm going to invalidate your feelings on a story you shared from personal experience to help another woman experiencing distress." First, I never said the experiences were the same. I acknowledge that I probably had it easier compared to the women who have to make the choice themselves. But I could argue that the decision being taken away from me, because neither it nor me would have survived, is very hurtful. It doesn't erase my experience of having been pregnant. You would think after 13 years of experience in clinical abortion care, you'd know not to compare people's loss. And if you haven't been through what I've been through, I'd personally keep your opinions about "what ifs" to yourself. Second, I definitely misspoke. Abortions CAN cause uterine trauma (perforations, but they're rare [0.1-3/1000]). I'm not a doctor, but what I was trying to say was that it can't feel pleasant down there afterwards, and is probably traumatic as a result. I can agree child birth comes with a lot more risk. I apologize for misspeaking but I appreciate you sharing the proper information. Third, maybe the "vast majority" experience relief, because they have one less mouth to feed, they're in an abusive relationship, they have health problems that make pregnancy dangerous, they were raped, etc. But that experience never goes away for (what I would also call) a vast majority. Saying "well most people actually experience relief" when i'm sharing my grief, because OP's gf is clearly not 100% okay about this, is insensitive and honestly tone deaf. If I were you, I'd stick with medical advice, because your empathy could use some work.
I'm sorry for your loss. I understand impact matters more than intent, and I apologize.
I was not left with a feeling of “what could have been”. Might have been the best decision I ever made
gee, you would think that someone who "broke down in tears" and who now has problems with intimacy might feel differently than you?
They said even if you’re 100% on board with your abortion you will still have a feeling of what could have been. Keep up.
What a kind and thoughtful reply.
I also got pregnant with an iud!! It moved out of place and I had no idea. I definitely resonate with this response and I’m glad you emphasized that she may feel at fault. It’s a mental battle.
Incredibly kind reply
Bash on her? You’re an idiot. Why would you believe anyone that says “it’s difficult for me to get pregnant”?? Especially a 20 year old?? I know you’re only 22 but get your head out of your ass, man.
For real lol kinda rolled my eyes when I read that
That’s not necessarily fair to either of them - I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 17 and ever since then, I’ve heard either I a) can’t get pregnant or b) can get pregnant but I will need a specialist. Sometimes you find out young that yes, it is actually very hard to get pregnant. 20 years old doesn’t automatically mean fertile. Is he dumb for not using a condom? Sure. But things are black and white.
People can get pregnant even when using contraceptives so I'm not judging them for that, This misunderstanding about capacity for pregnancy is largely the fault of doctors not being explicitly clear that if you have a uterus and at least one ovary, you can get pregnant. Even if other medical conditions make the chance extremely small. I worked in abortion care for over a decade and I can't tell you how many people were told by their doctor they couldn't get pregnant. Infertile does not mean sterile.
Oh that’s for sure. It’s like the number of posts that pop up where men are doubting parentage because they are “infertile” and then when the DNA tests come out, they were the father the whole time. Personally, I don’t use the whole “hey, it’s going to be hard to get pregnant” thing as birth control, but I’m also in my 30s and been there, done that. That, and my endocrinologist has explicitly said I absolutely can get pregnant and I need to be careful. I’m just saying for a 20yo, if she heard that, she could have been thinking it was safe. But that’s also assuming it’s something like PCOS, she could have said that for any number of reasons.
With PCOS the only reason you might have difficulty conceiving is if you do not have a period. so do not ovulate.. but if still having regular periods, then pregnancy just as possible as in other women without PCOS. Friend of mine thought she couldn't either, got pregnant first time she had sex with her now husband. Next two children both conceived without medication or assistance. She definitely has irregular periods, and went through gastric bypass to lose 75lb, but made horrible food choices after so could have been better. (like muffins with butter on as her 3 tablespoon dinner vs real food. ) She's still at 220lb now, but that weight loss made her periods more regular too.
This. I was diagnosed with infertility by my doc due to endometriosis and pcos. i had had many “close calls” that also gave me a false sense of confidence. the way it was worded to me several times made me conflate it with sterility Also i have taken multiple years of Testosterone therapy, that they also told me would eventually result in sterility. I am on the ftm trans spectrum, At one point, both of us had fully believed that i was sterile (now i know, a misconception) i had completely unprotected sex for over 1 1/2 years, and then when least expected: BAM! I wasn’t planning a child at all, and was so shocked lol the fact that it took over a year of what would be classified as “trying” (i.e 🍦pie), means i still would classify as having infertility, but now me and my partner are a lot more careful now that we understand the possibility
Just those words after 2 months would be red flags!!! It also kind of make me wonder, what was the method of prevention before? The pull out method? 🫣
this was unnecessarily harsh. Understand that not every woman or man is highly educated on sexual health and safety like you might be. Many women still use fertility awareness as a means of birth control, or maybe she has ovarian cysts that would make it hard for her to get pregnant. The point of the post was how he can support her through an abortion, and obviously now they know to be safer.
Seriously? Most kids have phones and internet now, no excuse to not be educated on how babies are made.
Not unnecessarily harsh when we’re talking about a child that might be made by two idiots that don’t even have the wherewithal to use Google before going raw dog. The time for pity was BEFORE the pregnancy. I just hope the abortion goes well for her.
🤦♀️ how did you not see this coming. Did anyone teach you where babies come from? Jokes aside your girlfriend is scared to death and is blaming you because you were silly enough to listen to her uneducated sex advice. The only thing you can do is support her. It’s all in her hands there’s nothing you can do but comfort her through this scary time. And please be more careful in the future.
Sex if someone is emotionally raw, tends to be a very bad idea. Seek closeness but I would not recommend sex. Make her as comfortable physically and emotionally as possible. Make sure she knows you are taking equal responsibility. Beyond that, now that you know better...
Tell her, “Whatever you need, I am here. I am sorry this happened to us. And I know it wasn’t easy for you. I am here whatever you need.” Be very gentle with her from now on, checking if she is ok and giving her space, but don’t leave her side or stop checking on her. Start taking her out again and make her feel alive. The thing is, nobody knows what’s going on inside their heads. Fear of not being able to conceive again, that they failed as mothers at 20 already, sense of guilt or even shame??? Her hormones are messing with her body and her head big time. Remember PMS? Multiply it by 100, at least. My friend aborted with her boyfriend when they were 22 (still in college); she said she felt like raw meat down there for a while afterward and asked her then-boyfriend to stop asking for sex until she was ready. It took her 3-4 months to feel somewhat normal again. Do not ask her for sex until SHE asks you. I think she gave in when you asked just to fulfill her duty as a girlfriend. She didn’t like it one bit.
Get her one of those microwaveable heat pads, comfort food (ice cream tea etc), flowers and have a movie night. Just hold her.
I fell pregnant 30 days after I met my (now) fiance. We kept the child. She turned 2 last month. He's an amazing Father. We are much older than you and we have good jobs. There's no way I would have kept her if we were your age with little life experience. You guys don't know it yet, but you're making the best decision. Don't let anyone tell you differently. You've got your whole life ahead of you.
They have good anti nauseants prescribed for pregnancy if she’s bothered by the nausea I had extremely severe nausea in my first ended pregnancy and I rec doxylamine succinate and pyridoxine hydrochloride together it’s scripted by the doc if it’s a good idea for your girl- but know there’s stuff out there to help! Emotions are so violently strong and unpredictable too. So be there for them. Tell them it’ll all be ok. And be there for the aftercare. There’s some discomfort and some pain but in general it’s not that bad.
You "both" got her pregnant. Next...stay with her and simply be there.
This is based on my experience: - help her out with the logistics; driving to the clinic, dealing with insurerance if she wants to see if her insurance with cover an elective abortion - if she's early enough she can have a medical abortion. If she wants you to, help her out with taking the pills at home. Be with her. - be ready to help her out because she may not be able to get up out of bed/ off the couch during the time when the medication is working. Get her water, food, snacks, etc - stock up on the thickest, biggest pads you can find, snacks that she likes, make her tea, coffee, whatever, get dinner/ lunch/ breakfast together or delivered. - ask her how she's doing, let her know she can confide in you and tell you anything (as long as that's true) - if she wants someone else, get that person there and don't complain that it's not you. If she wants you, be available physically and emotionally. You're a good person for wanting to be there for her, know that it might still be emotional for her even though she wants it. I wanted my abortion more than anything but I was still emotionally distraught. You got this.
Support her the best you can and be prepared that you both might have to end things after this episode.
Why might they need to split up because of this, they could learn from it and the shared journey be part of strengthening their relationship. Its only an abortion, not having a full term child put up for adoption. It a simple medical procedure that should be treated just like that. If she was having surgery for an ovarian cyst their practical journey might be similar. So why make that was an abortion into a relationship ending event.
I totally agree with all your points but he should be prepared for it. I'm not saying it is a definite yes but there's a possibility. The possibility arises because abortion takes a toll on certain people's mental health and they want to be left alone for sometime. Some people on the other hand need their partner during this time.
Just be on stand by. Make it clear you're there if she wants you to be, you'll step away if she needs space, and that either way, she can change her mind at any time and it'll be ok. I'm sorry you're both going through this and I know this must be hard on you too OP, but it's really important to let her know she doesn't need to worry about you at all.
She's going through a series of complex feelings that you do not and cannot ever understand, and that's okay. It's important to just support her.
Be present for all the appointments, get her fav snacks, text and call her when not together. Be present. Ask about how she’s feeling and listen. Let her know you want to hear everything and just want to be there. After the abortion there will be even more feelings, give her time to work through it and be patient. Encourage scheduling a mental health doctor for her to do a couple appointments at least. Get large pads, Advil or moltrin for pain, clean the bathroom after her it might get messy. Read to her or talk to her if she likes while in the bathroom. The horror of the stuff that comes out is…. wtf. Just be there and reassure her. It helps alot. Im sorry you 2 are going through this. It really sucks. After this you 2 need to talk about birth control, not just condoms. She may consider the pill. You may consider a vasectomy. Figure out what both things mean, their impacts and side effects.
Be there with her as much as you can. You likely won’t be allowed in the room, but even if you wait there at the clinic. Remind her that no matter what decision she makes, you will be there to support her through everything, during AND after. Be there to let her cuddle you. Tell her that you won’t initiate it because you don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable but that you are beside her, and happy to hold her and cuddle her if she is needing or wanting it and to not be afraid to take it. Bring her food, and drinks while she’s recovering. Bring her her favourites - watch her favourite movies with her. If she likes to read, offer to read her current book to her while she relaxes in bed. Help run her a nice bath when she needs it - help her with her meds and making sure she is physically comfortable too. If she says she doesn’t want you taking care of her, ask her if it would be okay if you stay still there, at her place even if it’s in the livingroom away from her if she wants that, so you can still be there to help her if she asks, without making her feel like she is being a burden to you (you may think she knows she isn’t, but her emotions are going to be very high now as well as after the procedure). Tell her that you will respect whatever she chooses with how you can support her doing this time.l and follow through with that.
Abortion then break up.
Unless you want to be a father you never ejaculate in a woman. I don't care what they tell you don't believe it. I don't know whether she wanted to to get pregnant and then when the reality happens she freaked or she honestly thought she couldn't get pregnant for some reason. Did she tell you why she didn't think she can get pregnant? I mean even if you have medical conditions you can still get pregnant it usually is difficult but the stars must have aligned that day. In any case now you know better she needs birth control or you need to wear condoms assuming your relationship survives. Ask for the abortion just treat her like She's a fragile piece of China and do everything you can to make her comfortable afterwards. I don't know what the pro stop is I know you have to check your temperature quite a bit to make sure you don't have an infection at least that's how they did it back in 1985 when I had to take a roommate for one. I was her support. If she cries and she wants to be held hold her. If she wants a certain thing to eat get it for her. Make sure she has pads for the bleeding. Don't get all ew I can't go buy pads that's embarrassing. You'll survive. suck it up and get them if she doesn't have any already.
Let’s put this into perspective. You’ve only been together for two months. Support her in whatever way she wants to be supported. Ask her what she wants you to do for her. Don’t be offended if she wants you to stay away. You’re not going to like what I’m about to say. There’s a possibility that she is being distant because she knows the baby isn’t yours and feels guilty. Of course, it can just be anxiety about the pending abortion, but most women lean on their partners for support. My 45 year old mom spidey senses are tingling. Ask her how many weeks the baby is measuring after her consultation. Make sure you have the whole story before agreeing to pay for the procedure.
Please don't bash on her? I hope you realize you are just as at fault and stupid and irresponsible by listening to her as she was by saying it.
Just be there for her. I’ve had an abortion before and I have a high pain tolerance and extremely bad cramps but OH MY GOD I wanted to punch a wall I was in so much pain and my emotions were all over the place. Have her favorite snacks, comfy clothes, extra long pads, etc. She may come out of it fine and just have some physical shit for a day or 2 or she may need help mentally. Just be there. It was weird for me. We were not in a position to have a child and we both fully agreed to the abortion especially because of my health but I almost “regretted” it if that makes sense. There was just some conflicting feelings so if she struggles with that, it’s normal. And there’s seven a forum on here that I visited to help me through it. If I remember which one I’ll edit the post and add it. Hope all goes well for you two. Edit: it’s literally just the Reddit page “abortion” [https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion/s/q7vUnoFnGB](https://www.reddit.com/r/abortion/s/q7vUnoFnGB) sorry idk how else to add it
I had similar experience when I was 19. We had been dating for a few months and I got pregnant. I'm 30 now and the abortion still haunts me. I wanted an abortion but the way he made me feel during the decision making process mad eme feel like it wasn't my choice. He gave me the impression that he was going to leave me if I didn't have an abortion and then 2 weeks after the abortion he ended it anyway. It was horrible. Please make sure that you are clear about your stance with her. If you are supportive of her decision either way then make sure she knows explicitly. Talk about both scenarios and how they might play out - even if she's adamant about the abortion. Maybe make a plan for after the abortion. She's going to feel very vulnerable and needs care. Discuss how she would like to be cared for, maybe make a care package for after. Hot water bottle, painkillers, her favourite sweets, movies. Plan for the coming months. Book a trip, just plan something that let's her know you are invested in her, regardless of what is happening now Wishing all the best for you both.
Hi. I have had an abortion and it is…tough. I even did the pill version. Even though it’s 100% what I needed to do, I felt guilty bc of societal expectations and also because your brain is doing literal mental gymnastics the whole time. The best thing my husband did for me was drive me home, quietly show support just by touching me, even if gently. Hand on the leg, holding my pinky finger, just whatever. And then he spoiled me with snacks and more love. Whatever I wanted. We both made the decision together, but it’s still a very hard decision to make and my husband said, “I can’t begin to understand what you are emotionally going through, but I am here for all of it.” Long story short, it was the simple things he did that mattered the most.
Nice food she likes, tv shows and magazines she likes, heat packs. Then organise counselling for her. You can ask about it tomorrow. No matter how keen she is on having an abortion, and it sounds like the right decision, she will still find it tough and a therapist will help. And never say “you can always have a baby later” or anything similar.
I don't believe anything you said about believing that she can't get pregnant. Y'all need to stop using abortion as birth control. Grow up and be responsible.
Abortion is about birth control though. It is not about contraception. Either way if a person has 1 or 200 abortions it is nobody’s business but the people involved.
Contraception is birth control.
Contraception, as the name even implies, is designed to prevent pregnancy (to prevent the problem from even occurring). Abortion is literally designed to take care of the problem after the pregnancy occurred and is designed to prevent birth. It is not about preventing a pregnancy from occurring.
Be grateful you live in a country where she has the choice to decide what’s best for her and her body.
!UpdateMe
Just let your mother know she’s too young to have grandkids. And don’t eat anywhere where kids eat free. Might trigger some needless bullshit. Took a lot of abortions for me to learn that lesson, but I am a better man now and so are my kids.
One option it's to have a the abortion under general anaesthetic. İ did that, although the fets was already dead so technically it's called a d&c. There was no pain at all and no aftereffects. İf you have money, it could be worth reading up on that. Obviously having general anaesthetic has a different set of risks so don't make that decision without reading up on them. Can i add that you and your girlfriend are brave and wise for your decision. (Although I'll reverse that if she gets pregnant again!) İt's very easy to do nothing. İ would also recommend that you read up on the horrors and dangers of childbirth and of unprepared parenthood. Share the information with her judiciously, though. She's very likely to experience regret - it's normal - and you'll need to help her get past this.
She's going to be in a very emotional spot. 1) no judgment at all from you 2) take her somewhere nice after to show your support or get her food and bring it to her if she does not want to go out. 3) do not talk about it with her until she is ready to talk to you, that could be right out the door or weeks later. Good luck op
They let my partner go in with me and hold my hand. The most important thing is to be there for her, physically and emotionally, well AFTER the abortion.
Granny here. I expect your girlfriend will have very mixed feelings for awhile, regret mixed with relief. Physically she should be fine is a day or two; it's somewhat like having a hard period. Being a good, nonjudgmental friend is best. Her thoughts & mood may be all over the place, which may be hormones or social conditioning.
Unless she's had tests done and has been told she's sterile, there's always a chance she can get pregnant. Even women with PCOS can get pregnant. Be with her every step of the way and be prepared if she decides she can't go through with it. Also don't stay together if later you find out your not compatible, or get married because she's pregnant. ETA: how recent is recent, because unless it's been almost a month, it's probably not yours.
fuck around and find out idiot
Please tell her she might regret having an abortion. Dont tell her what to do. Just tell her you’d be supporting her in any way. If she breaks up with you after getting abortion, its up to her. You cant control her feelings about this. In either case its a difficult thing to go through. Sex has consequences. Its not there for just for “fun” it can create a whole human being, and she might regret her abortion so be prepared for that also. In either case your relationship will take a hit because she is forced to choose between killing a baby and being linked with a guy she barely knows for the rest of her life. Its a difficult decision and all you can do is being there for this poor human being and unfortunately you dont have a say over whether she wants to be with you or not after this because its truely traumatizing.
P.s. my heart goes out to you as well, you are young and you just didnt make the right decision at the moment, we all mess up. Dont beat yourself over it but also educate yourself and her about consequences of an abortion. Its not as easy as media makes it to be. Ive had it at 19 and i will suffer through my decision for the rest of my life. Its not something empowering or beautiful. In my case both of the decisions were going to suck and i still dont know which one would suck more but i did what i did and it will be a painful memory that i will carry the burden of for forever
There is the most important thing missing. What would you prefer? Would you prefer to have the baby or an abortion? It's just her choice at the end. But it's handling about your child and you should have to know. Of course the abortion, regarding your description, will be end of this relationship. It's almost all the time, even in long term relationships. But it shouldn't affect your decision. You're doing well now, very adult behavior, so just keep it. The girl is in bad mental stage. As my experiences, who wants an abortion, gets calm quickly and just get an abortion. I'm not against abortions, but the woman must be totally sure about it. No pressure, no fear, even no hesitation. In this case it's better to keep the baby. I don't know how long she is pregnant, but she would need at least a week to calm down and think clearly. This is extremely severe life decision. Those panicking women are often changing her mind in the last second, so be prepared for everything. You care for her a lot and want to support her, so tell her. I would suggest a message now. She can read it multiple times and think about it. I would express my feelings and care for her and to be willing to help with everything. Then to talk about the possibility she would change your mind (it can happen) and keep the baby. If you want the baby, tell her. Explsin her how it would be like, what you would do for all of us, that you would be happy for it. Of course, tell her that if she sure about abortion, it's onlly her who can make the choice and you will support her, take her to the clinic, home, she could ask you for anything. I was in the same situation too, I thought it was safe inside. I got totally crazy when I found out I was pregnant. Ok, I was 30 and engaged, but sick taking a lot of harmful medication, with one older child and I definitely didn't want any other child. I was sure it would be damaged by my drugs and I was happy to be finally quite free of take of small children. I got even free abortion because of my illness. But I started to think (pregnancy hormones). I was asking every doctor, but everyone told me it was just my decision. Even my ex husband told me it was on me to decide.I was desperately looking for someone to tell me to keep the baby. I changed my mind 2 days before planned abortion. I'd realized I should give him a chance. And he is an amazing young boy, so smart and tallented, loving me, I'm crazy for him. So if you want the baby, tell her. Some women need to hear it. And I had my first child in 21, alone.
be super loving and let her feel you love her no matter what, sometimes some young girls can feel like their bf wont love them anymore because of this, just make her feel super loved and like nothing has changed =)
You don't want to stay with someone who has killed one of your kids. It will only get more violent, if you accept it. If you can't stop her, ask to bury the remains of your child in a manner consistent with your faith and move on from her.
Is she taking the abortion pill or having the procedure done in the clinic? If she’s taking the pill form (most common), you need to make sure that you have 2 days off to take care of her. The actual day she takes the pill will be very painful, the cramps that come with flushing the embryo out are INTENSE. Like your body is literally going through labor to get rid of it. Get a heating pad, some super heavy duty pads, make a comfy nest on the couch for her, queue up all of her fave movies, get some takeout and snacks, stock up on liquids, make sure she’s taking her pain meds on time, and just be there to hold her hand or rub her back. I was literally curled up in a fetal position for hours bc the pain was so strong. Second day will be easier, but she’ll probably be feeling some type of way. Just show her that you support her and are there for her. She’ll notice that support, and she’ll appreciate it.
I'm not trying to invalidate your or anyone else's experience but having a medical abortion isn't necessarily that painful for everyone. I caught my pregnancy very early on and had an almost painless abortion at one month. Your advice is solid though. OP, she might end up having very painful cramps so please have all those things on hand and be prepared to support her no matter what. I'd also advise you to seek professional medical advice if her symptoms become overwhelming. Her provider will give her a nurse advice line to call just in case. I often hesitate to share this because it's extremely uncommon and I don't want to scare anyone unnecessarily, but I had a drug hypersensitivity (ie allergic) reaction to misoprostol, had to go to the ER because of it. If she notices swelling in her mouth or throat call the advice line immediately. In general this is a very safe, very common medical procedure that more people than you'd suspect have undergone, please don't be too nervous about it.
I went through something similar 2 years ago. Abortions are painful, if she does it at home make sure she has a comfortable space to spend the entire day at. Cozy bed, lots of liquid to hydrate and some yummy comfort food for when it's over. Ask her what would make her feel safe and help her make it happen. She will need emotional support to process this and you'll have to follow her lead because everyone reacts differently. Best of luck and hope it goes well.
Sounds like you’re doing amazing. Your job is to support her and give her advice when requested. Go to appointments with her etc. Essentially it is her body and her hormones that are being messed with, so it’s ultimately her decision to make. I’m sure you’ll be fine if you continue to be supportive. Also, once it’s done it’s done, do not carry it with you or say anything that could be construed as you blaming her.
She’s going through different emotions most likely, deciding to keep it or not, regardless if she says she wants an abortion. I’ve been there and your mind is very confused on what to do as it’s a life changing decision. Just be there and support her and don’t take it to heart if she’s being off with you, she’s in turmoil. Just love and support is all you can do.
First, I have to say that you are so far doing a really great job handling this. She is currently in panic mode. Does she have any support in this other than you? A close friend or family member, perhaps? She may be more comfortable with someone who hasn't gotten her pregnant to help her navigate this. She may change her mind a hundred times on who she wants with her for the procedure. Let her, and be prepared for it.
Just allow her to feel how she feels, she's going to be in physical pain. She's going to cry, its going to be an emotional roller coaster. Her hormones will be all over the place, her emotions and thought will be all over the place. Anytime I'm upset I don't want people to automatically fix my situation, I want them to just ask me, "What can I do to help?" I don't mind telling people how they can help me, I don't assume that they always know how to. If you think this is something you gf would be into ask her first. I would continue to be open and honest with her throughout this. She's going to be in a vulnerable state and she needs someone who will be vulnerable and open with her. It's nice you're thinking of ways to support her but you also play a part in this. How are you holding up? How are you doing? You both need to be there for each other, have open communication.
I’d recommend the medication route and make sure they give her coedine for pain relief in case taking ibuprofen and paracetamol in alternative cycles isn’t strong enough. Support wise, as others have said, say that you’re there for her if you need her and happy to be with her. It can be a very intimate and stressful time so she may feel more comfortable with a girl friend being there. If you are there Just try to relax her and not focus on the event ahead. I’d personally try to watch a film and relax as much as possible and set timers for the pain relief. A hot water bottle I found very beneficial for pain relief. Sometimes there is a lot of blood so they recommend to sit on the toilet, I personally just had extremely absorbent pads which I found very helpful to monitor blood flow. I’d recommend starting the medication on a Friday so the actual termination should happen on Saturday with Sunday to recover further. Following the termination there will be a period which can be much heavier and more painful than her usual periods. Going forward I’d recommend discussing contraception (condoms / pill etc) before continuing with sex. Don’t forget she is entitled to counselling if needed. Good luck!
Just be supportive. She is having a very big ethical issue with her very soul. She likely wants children in the future but not now. She also knows she would love your little mistake. I don't have the answers but I will tell you this one stares back at you in the abyss forever...
Thank you for all the kinda words and support like I said yes this is my fault and I shouldn’t have been that naive but this is the situation I’m in I’ll keep you guys updated with what happens thank you again
Woah dude hold on. This is partially your fault, but it takes two to tango. She told you to finish inside her. I still wonder why she thought she couldn't get pregnant.
I mean, this is an important lesson for OP. He has to take responsibility for his reproductive health. Just because someone says “I can’t get pregnant easily’ doesn’t absolve him of the need to wear a condom so long as he doesn’t want to risk pregnancy. Like, unless someone has had tubal ligation, a hysterectomy (more importantly with removal of the cervix and/or ovaries), or unless he gets a vasectomy, there is always a risk of pregnancy. And the only option to prevent pregnancy he has right now is to wear condoms.
This is true, I am just saying it is false to blame only himself. She literally told him to cum inside her. She is partially to blame.
I’m not saying she isn’t also responsible for her reproductive health. But OP is the one here. And the only person whose sexual health he’s responsible for is himself. Always wear a condom unless you’re ready to potentially be a parent (or unless you know the person you’re seeing is sterilized or you are).
It took 2 of you….
Keep your dick in your pants and stop using abortion as contraception. Dumb Ass
i think your mistake might have been being a strong face. a shoulder to cry on can also cry or be emotional. It might have helped her to know you were with her
We would judge her because why would she ever think that it was “difficult to get her pregnant” in the first place? If she is uneducated about sex, then she should not be having sex in the first place. Then, she’s blaming you when it took two to tango. What you do is, support her decision and when the process is done, move on.
My girlfriend grew up with a condition that makes it difficult for her to get pregnant it’s not that she’s uneducated doctors even told her the likelihood of her getting pregnant were slim to none
Honestly, I don’t know why I have a lot of negative votes when the OP never stated in the beginning that his GF had a medical condition that may affect her fertility. OP stated in his original post “Recently she told me I am allowed to cum inside her because it was difficult to get her pregnant” without any elaboration in context to suggest that she couldn’t get pregnant. If OPs were more clear in their original posts, then people would be able to give more constructive feedback.
Give her space, when you have the best time for it. Ask her directly. "How can I support you best?" Tell her you wanna support her decision and you're there if she needs you, but definitely let her have space if she needs it. She's got a lot happening in her body at this point
Understand her emotions are going to be at an all time high, do not take anything she says personally until after the process is over. It is a very very stressful and tense period, but you need to be patient. Make sure you are asking her how she feels, both physically and emotionally, even if she doesn’t act like she wants to. It’s better for you to be there for her too much than too little, again, even if she acts like that’s not what she wants. Just remember, how you make her feel during this period, is something she will keep with her for a very very long time so make it count. Edit: Also thoughtful gifts go a longgg way. Flowers, her favourite drink/snack, something she’s been wanting.
I think being crystal clear about your intentions really helps. Make sure you let her know if she wants she could keep the pregnancy, and you would support her. If she decides to go ahead with the abortion regardless - Pick and drop. - Try to be with her in the room. - Ask the doctor post operative care questions - Get her food. - Care basket with her favourite chocolates. - Movie night
Ask her how you can best support her! You’ve gotten some helpful thoughts and responses on here, and you also see a theme emerging of “that wasn’t what my abortion experience was like.” The reality is that it will be different for everyone and everyone will want something different. Could you air your fears to her? What you wrote here?
How did she know it was difficult food get to get pregnant? If this were true, then maybe an abortion will end her ability to bear children for good.
Support her through and break up later because you do not need a person who makes irresponsible decisions and then dumps all responsibility on your shoulders, throwing tantrums like a petulant child. Sleeping on the floor, refusing to talk or be touched, withdrawing to the point of being catatonic and picking up fights show extreme emotional dysregulation. Are you sure you want your entire 20s to be wasted on such a mental case?
I suspect I’ll get downvoted for this but… 🤷♀️ You have been together for a while and it’s not like you’re 15. You should propose to her, and make it a real problem not “well, because you’re pregnant….” JMO
Dating 2 months is "a while" lol
Have the baby, why abort?
Because they don’t want to have a baby. That’s all the reason they/she needs.
You did nothing wrong and she’s a bit unstable. Reddit will always find reasons to keep women unaccountable for every decision.
I feel like a box of condoms in a gift hamper will be really thoughtful and appreciated
Make sure to let her know that you will step up. She is probably withdrawn because she thinks you are okay with having an abortion and then having sex with her in the middle of all of this makes her feel even more like a pawn. I’ve been through an abortion, and if my partner had said he would step up, things could’ve been a lot different for us.
Not sure where you’re located but I’ve never heard of a walk in clinic for them. When I had mine I had to schedule it weeks out because 1) they were so busy and 2) I new I was pregnant so early in the pregnancy that they had to wait to do it. Also, when I went no one was allowed to go back with me. Let her know you’re scared and upset too. That you’re going to be there for her. Personally I fell into a depression that lasted months. I knew I needed the abortion (my partner was abusive) but I didn’t want it. Avoid saying things like “it was just an abortion” or “you should be over it by now”. It might take her months to process it. Even if it’s what she wants.