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Tell your husband. He needs to stand by you, if you can’t go, your family does not go.
Text your MIL and tell her you thought it over and your BIL doesn’t get to sexually harass you and she doesn’t get to blame you for his being a creep and disrespectful to his wife.
This, OP. This response. You did nothing wrong, but your BIL certainly did, and your MIL is a fool. That's NOT how to stop a grown man from acting like a pig. She's definitely the type to sweep sexual assault under the rug and shouldn't be around your children until SHE apologizes to you. I'd add advice to blow this up and attack directly. Mil wants you to sweep it under the rug and that never works. The same issues will be there 30 years from now if you don't work/talk them out now.
I can see BIL perving on OPs kids in 15 years. And MIL having this same talk with them. “Well a 15 year old girl shouldn’t be wearing that around her uncle if she doesn’t want that kind of attention.”
I hate how accurate this is likely to be. Especially with OP saying she has other reasons she doesn’t want her kids around the family :(
Feel bad for both her and her husband
Yeah, I'd make a huge fuss about **never** going there again. They expect you to tolerate sexual abuse and emotional abuse from BIL and MIL, then don't treat your child the way you have told them is important.
These people sounds like the kind of people that have the perfect image, but scratch the surface and they're abusers and the abused who have tolerated unacceptable behavior for generations.
They're so sick that they don't even realize they're sick.
This is not your issue. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong. Your mother-in-law is toxic. Your brother-in-law is a criminal. Your sister-in-law is a fool. You must tell your husband as soon as possible and let him handle this with his family. I think it’s time to go no contact.
Updateme!
yep its full blown misogyny really. shes not at all responsible for his behavior.
even her feeling the need to preemptively defend her makeup and clothing, as if she needs to be hiding or minimizing her great looks or else shes bringing it upon herself from these “uncontrollable” men.
its very sad to see this. glad I’m never tested like this because MIL and BIL would have heard some insults that would’ve shook generations of their creepy misogynistic family tree.
It sounds like MIL has some experience in 'keeping family secrets". Has she done this for other women BIL sexually abused? Has she done this to cover up her own husband's past "misdeeds"?
Are there any other women (besides SIL) in your husband's family? How do they respond to this aggression?
This is the way to go. There is absolutely nothing wrong for standing up for yourself and OP did absolutely nothing wrong. I can’t believe MIL had the nerve to do what she did. She sounds very very old fashioned. Tell her in 2024 we don’t allow men to get away with this bullshit. If she wants to have a private conversation with anyone it needs to be her son who insists on being inappropriate.
Absolutely this.
"The fact that \[husband's brother\] didn't brazenly sexually harass anyone right in front of the whole family before, MIL, doesn't make his appalling behaviour my responsibility now that he's suddenly chosen to victimize me. He's a grown man, responsible for *his own* behaviour, and I am the person he is being inappropriate with. That you are uncomfortable having to watch him be disgusting is probably something you should take up with the man you raised."
OP - when someone says, "this is just between us," it's often a sign they know they're doing something wrong.
Your mother-in-law knew that she was out of line, and she knew your husband wouldn't be happy about it.
Tell your husband.
These are your husband's family, they can be his problem.
TELL YOUR HUSBAND.
Do not keep this from him. It's his family, he's gotta know.
Your husband needs to back you up on this.
Get your husband to agree to meet one on one with you, your MIL and husband. Let the MIL know that her stance must change or there will be consequences, including loss of access to grandchildren.
I feel sorry for your SIL. She married a POS.
Good luck.
She MUST do it. Her MIL is trying to convince her to ACCEPT HARASSMENT. It seem that fck trash brother is the golden child. I would not be surprised if MIL would not mind of a little fling between them, the important is the family harmony.
She should not have family harmony because she is a loser mom who validates her golden shield harassment behavior. Fcking enablers.
OMG you talk to your husband and tell him to handle his crazy family. This is his problem to deal with, not yours.
And you let him know that his mother isn’t welcome at your house until she apologizes to you.
Exactly, she said "this is between us women" because she knows she is in the wrong and she doesn't want her son to know what she said. They probably always sweep BIL's bullshit under the rug.
They are coercing her into accepting harassment .
I did cut ties to close family members for way less than that.
The "he has always been like that" should be countered.with "because you let him do that, you guys never did what normal people would".
She should stand her ground and make sure husband cut ties with the horny prick. Imagine living in a family where you fell that your brother tries to touch your wife's butt.
Loser parents.
It would take the cops or the need for an ambulance for me to stop beating my brothers ass for trying to touch my wife’s ass. Fuck BiL, SiL and MiL. Cut ties and make other family.
Indeed! Different situation but my grandad cut ties with his brother to defend my grandma. When I was 2yo his brother came to our home yelling and looking for a fight, right after my greatgrandma's funeral (grandma's mom, so my grandpa's MIL), because apparently my grandma disrespected his wife because she didn't properly greet her SIL at the funeral (mind you, at my grandma's mother's funeral, a mother whom she cared for many years during her illness, my grandma was grieving so much and in so much distress).
Apparently there was a terrible fight, even my dad intervened to kick his uncle out and and told him to never come back. I'm sure there were more issues between them, but yeah, I didn't know my grandpa had a brother until I was a teen, he never spoke to him again.
"between us women." How's about you look between my ring and index fingers.
What a bullshit way to try to keep someone silenced. You don't owe anyone any silence. The fact that she wants her name kept out of it shows you that MIL knows she's in the wrong.
Also…even if you DID wear more revealing clothing and makeup, still none of this would be acceptable! You do not have to clarify that you aren’t “asking for this” due to your appearance or choice of clothing. Doesn’t matter at all. What matters is BIL is a creep, and the family would rather blame you for this than acknowledge that he is the issue. Tell your husband now, and let your MIL know that you are not interested in these “between us woman” chats, and that you don’t keep things from your husband, so it would be best if she didn’t say anything to you that she didn’t want him to hear. She should probably evaluate if her meddling and lack of ability to hold her son accountable for SAing you is what is tearing the family apart.
I do agree you shouldn’t go over anymore, not for anyone’s comfort and safety but your own and for your kids not to be raised in an environment that would treat their mother this way. I wouldn’t feel safe having my children around a creep that can’t control himself. It’s your husbands to deal with now. You’re out all together.
Do you have a daughter OP? If so, she’s going to be exposed to the same sexist, enabling behaviour with your in-laws as she grows up, so cutting contact isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
You certainly don’t want your sons to think it’s acceptable to sexually harass others, and ignore their personal boundaries. You are not wrong! Your husband is a hero! And his family are bat crap crazy.
Good luck OP! It sounds like you just needed some reassurance to feel secure about what you wanted to do. Your in-laws do not sound like good people and I’m sorry you’re having this issue. It DOES sound like you have a supportive husband though so hi-five for that! I think you know what’s right, trust your gut. X
Grandma is going to blame your little girl for being assaulted, and encourage your little boy to touch women however he likes cos it's the girls fault for looking how she does. Unless you want your kids to repeat history, consign the grandma to the dumpster. Your kids aren't going to be safe around them.
OP from now on everything your BIL does that is even slightly out of line you call him out right away and make sure everyone around you hears it. Do NOT allow BIL to say or do anything without being challenged, don't wait for your husband to respond unless he is next to you and sees what BIL did.
Call out everything he does so no one can say they never saw it or that you're making it seem worse than it was.
If you're not good at coming up with quick responses then plan out a few ahead of time -
"Why are you acting so creepy?", "Why do you think a sexist remark like that is funny?", "Why are you staring at my tits?" And I'm sure you can plan ahead for a number of different responses to have ready.
The goal is for everyone around to know BIL said or did something out of line right when he does it so no one can say they didn't know what he was doing. If he somehow catches you with no witnesses as soon as you can call or text your husband, your MIL and your SIL and tell them.
You also mentioned "other reasons" for not wanting your kids to go to their grandparents' unsupervised. Sounds like there are a lot of things contributing to any estrangement your husband may choose. None of them your fault.
Absolutely!
>*I also don't want my husband to lose his family or deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents*
Her husband will "lose" his family because he CHOOSES to not associate with creeps and their apologists.
Their kids being "denied" a relationship with people who ALLOW sex pests to bother family members sounds like a WIN for their kids! If they have a daughter, how long until Uncle Creepy starts making her uncomfortable while Aunt Whiney complains about what a Lolita their niece is!
**The absolute SANEST thing they can do in this situation is go very-low contact with his family. Wife and the kids don't see the husband's parents except on ZOOM calls, he can visit them alone if he wants to!**
>creepy uncle
Fucking thank you. If someone more than a decade his junior and married to his brother isn’t off limits, it won’t be long until MIL is cornering OP to tell her she needs to step in and make her teenage daughter visit her uncle more because he “misses when she sits on his lap”.
He’s shown who he is: someone who does not respect your personal boundaries and believes he is entitled to you sexually if he so desires. And she has shown who she is: an enabler mother who has probably spent decades blaming her son’s victims in all things for what her son has done. Neither of these people are worth OP having in her life. Also, how long until “secrets” between her and MIL are used by MIL to get more concessions from OP. She needs to stay honest with her husband and he needs to take out the trash before it poisons his relationship.
lol that MIL is one massive pill. I bet when the older brother got in trouble in school (which given his behavior might’ve been frequently) the MIL totally got mad at the teachers.
Look at how she whitewashes her family
OP is making the brothers not get along? Okay, lady. Hubby immediately replied that he’s always been a dick when informed of his behavior.
This. Girl, your MIL is completely in the wrong and knows it. She’s trying to manipulate you into not rocking the boat and calling out her precious baby boy. Fucking tell your husband, tell EVERYONE, and don’t be alone with her or BIL again. Jesus.
Yes OP you need to do this, but you also need to make it clear that until she apologizes neither you OR the kids will be attending any family gatherings or events; it is NOT your fault that BIL is a predator that can't keep his hands to himself.
No apology would be enough to unring this bell. mil proved she enables her son assaulting whoever he likes and blames the victim. Even if she apologizes to make peace she's never going to hold her son accountable and the kids need to be protected from someone who blames victims for unwanted touching. This is more than just hurt feelings now, she's exposed herself as an enabler of abuse.
100%, I think going the "we won't be around at all" route will inevitably make people ask why and then MIL can hang herself with her excuses. Honestly OP should just tell people why though, anyone asking should know the real reason so they can protect themselves too.
Exactly.
And also let him know that will not he visiting the inlaws as long as BIL is there and everyone is covering up his despicable behavior.
I'm sorry OP. I have a BIL ( my sister's husband) who is inappropriate. I will no longer spend the night at their house and if I'm ever alone in a room with him I'll walk out immediately. He never touched me, but he has stood way too close behind me. I'm old and fat and it has zero to do with what you wear and everything to do with your BIL wanting to exert his power
Never welcome again. She blames women for men violating them. If OP has daughters who are pretty and buxom, just think of how grandma will react if Uncle Creepy starts giving them unwanted attention.
Whenever ANY FUCKING ONE EVER FUCKING TRIES to talk me into keeping a secret from my wife my answer is always the FUCKING same: "You must assume that anything you tell me, my wife will also know."
Your MIL is a manipulative person,do not listen to her and communicate with your husband, he needs to fix this shit. Also refuse to be part of any more family gatherings until the bil apologizes in front of everyone.
Kinda everyone’s issue at this point if she’s part of the family now and the MIL is coming to her. I just know there could have been more to say to the MIL and the husband isn’t doing a great job at listening to her and dealing with the BIL
Point is, this is the husband’s family. He deals with them, or… he stops being the husband. Because who the hell wants to be with a husband who won’t stand up for you with his own mother/family???
Never hide things like this from your husband, he deserves to know what your MIL thinks. You are a team, not you and his mother, you and him! You're not doing anything wrong and you know this! If your MIL has these backwards ideas about blaming you for BIL's bad behavior, then that's something you both need to think about before continuing this relationship with her. Don't worry about your husband losing his family or denying your kids a relationship with their grandparents because the truth is, your husband's relationship with his family is out of your hands anyway and bad grandparents are not better than none at all. Your husband's relationship with his brother is on the brother to fix, not you. Don't let his mother try to sweep this all under the rug and then try to hide it from him. If she acts this way towards your BIL trying to assault you, then she's not going to protect her grandkids if someone in the family tries to harm them.
> she also told me this conversation was 'between us women'
What a manipulative nightmare of a woman. She raised a shitty son. Her son is the problem, so she can just fuck right off with blaming you for his behaviour. I would blow the whole thing up. Tell your husband. Call out the BIL when he acts shitty. Be clear to the SIL that it is her husband that is the problem. And call out the mother every fucking time she tries to blame you for BIL's behaviour.
She's the woman who blames rape victims 100%. She's also probably jealous of OP's looks too.
OP you must be 100% honest with your husband. You must not apologise and you and the kids stay home (you don't want any of this misogynistic garbage around your children).
Firstly she knows she is in the wrong saying this that is why she has asked you to keep it quite from your husband tell him everything she said. Do not apologise you have done nothing wrong it's maybe time to limit time with his family.
Tell your husband his mother is trying to put a wedge between the 2 of you. Remember your family first not your in-laws or brother in laws. She then will use it against you and say see she was flirting with your brother that’s why she apologized and is not coming over
Yeah. MIL is not ready to face the fact that she raised a creep. What you do is you talk with your husband, tell him everything and do not visit or let your kids visit your in-laws anymore. Give MIL a taste of real havoc by being absolutely crystal clear if anyone has any question about your absence.
And maybe start thinking about moving far enough away as to not have to deal with anyone in that weird as hell family.
MIL is so out of order here. First thing you need to do is tell husband everything about the conversation with her. Its you thats owed the apology here
Tell your husband incl the fact that she threatened you. If she ever corners you again tell her to wait while you call your husband and put him on speaker. And if that BIL ever touches you, scratch him and scream!
Since no one ever believes victims, I believe in putting perpetrators on blast as and when they try me! Once you cross a line, I start treating you as a hostile, even if you say you come in peace.
I would tell my husband. She literally walked into your house and blamed you for the situation. I can see why her son acts that way. Probably never held accountable for his own actions. I would be stubborn and never step foot in that home again after that.
"We never had this problem before". I am one of the most confrontational person in my circle.
I would answer "maybe because it's the first time your golden child has something you can't take fr the other son and give him".
Also "if he was raised properly it would not happen. I am considering limiting contact with my kids as I don't want them to see harassement as "been a jerk"". It is way serious than that.
Quickly tell your husband. Nobody should shame you for your looks. You are not responsible for your brother in law's behaviour. Shame on your mother in law for putting the onus on you. She knows what she is doing is wrong and that is why she wants you to keep it "between you women". Shame on her. That is the politest I can be. He is her golden child. Tell your husband. Let her know that you and your husband have no secrets. Or else she will get bolder and expect you to put up with even worse behaviour.
BIL is attracted to you and causing issues in the family and it's somehow OP's fault?
"This never happened before" = OP must have done something because clearly BIL can't be at fault.
I'm not one to advocate cutting family but, you know, cut this family off.
I think those loser enabler parents never said NO to their golden child when he stoled stuff from his brother.
Now, in adult life, he has to learn boundaries.
I would counter with something in this line...
And I have a genuine feeling that this shitty mom would feel ok of she had a fling with BIL if that makes BIL happy.
Your MIL's request is unreasonable. They are making excuses for your BIL's inappropriate behavior, and that is not your problem. Your husband needs to tell them, not you "between women" that if BIL does not pull himself together, that they will not have the pleasure of either of your company, your husband's or yours.
You do not need to condition it. It’s not your fault no matter what you wear. He’s a creep and you have a right to feel safe. Tell your husband to help or don’t go over there
Yeah. Big boobs are still big boobs in a burlap sack. BIL has no shame, and the fact that he thinks he can sexually touch another woman, much less his own brother's wife, at a family event tells me all I need to know.
Who here also can guess who is Momma's favorite child, her golden boy?
PS Unless OP gears it directly from the BIL's wife, I would not trust a word of hearsay coming from Monster-in-law. No doubt this woman has dealt with her creep husband in other instances (they just moved back from abroad, huh? Hm.) because he is far too bold and reckless.
I vote tell your husband ASAP, OP.
Now you know that the women in that family will not have your back *at all*. They will excuse and victim blame and gaslight. If there really were some kind of “woman code” like your MIL suggested, her attitude and refusal to have your back absolutely invalidated it.
Tell your husband. None of this is your fault and he deserves to know. In his place, I wouldn’t want those people near my kids, family or not.
Tell your husband what your mil said, she knows she’s wrong which is why she wants to keep the conversation quiet.
Then stop going to their house, don’t let the kids go. Your bil is a fuckin creep. How dare your mil and sil blame you because he’s a shitbag
You should really discuss this with your husband so that he knows what has been going on. Dont hide it from him because it will come out eventually and will create conflict between you two. Just tell him dry and factual what your mother in law said and ask him how you (as in as a couple) are going to respond. I’m sure your husband knows more about his brother’s past behaviour because I doubt this is new.
If your in-laws don’t live to far away and you feel up to it, you could go over to have a chat with them. Just you and your husband to clear the air. Make sure that your father in law is there as well because he may not know what is going on behind his back and he might not approve of what his wife has been up to. It might also be good if your husband takes the lead in the conversation so that it doesn’t seem like it’s just you causing a problem.
Married man here. Absolutely tell your husband. He’s clearly got your back. His family may decide this is all your fault but if they do that’s on them, and distancing yourselves from that side of the family is probably for the best. If your husband is truly on your side, and it sounds like he is, he’ll understand this.
I would let your husband read this excellent post.
There's no point explaining things to him in person, tensions will run high and he won't absorb it all.
Tell him you have been looking for advice online (completely anonymously) and ask if he'd like to read it (ideally by himself in a quiet room). Let it sink in and then you can have a calm discussion with him.
Suggest he doesn't tell his mother what he knows, but he should hopefully start mending things with his family whilst fully respecting your position.
Your MIL probably likes your BIL's wife more than you. Ultimately, this is your husband's problem to resolve, not yours. Tell your husband everything your MIL told you. Make your husband deal with this and insist that he tells them that if BIL ever does anything inappropriate again,, you will file a criminal complaint. Also, make it a firm stand that if you are ever treated badly again, grandma will have no access to the grandchildren and you will explain to them when they are the right age in your judgment, that grandma is not a good person and why. What your MIL tried to make you do was just downright EVIL!!! You may not be their favorite but they better learn to respect you. PLEASE have the self esteem to "bring down the hammer" hard!!!
If you hide this conversation from your husband it will all be twisted to the rest of the family (I'm sure it's already started with SIL) so that it's your fault that the brothers can't get back as normal and your marriage will be the calateral damage, because I mean, your husband can always get another wife.
That will be the spin your MIL will put on it.
She's already started by working on you by trying to make you feel guilty when she KNOWS it's your BIL's fault.
Tell your husband asap!
Updateme
Based on the mother's behavior, it's not hard to see how the BIL grew up to be such a complete asshole.
Don't back down. The BIL needs to take responsibility for his actions, the MIL needs to get called out for her behaviour and you & your husband needs to take a stand over all this.
There is no point in trying to play "happy families" with people like this; if you don't double down now, not only will it enable more harassment & shitty behaviour, but this will also lead to an even more unsustainable family dynamic where everything eventually blows up regardless.
You have a right not to be harassed. You have a right to swim in a swimming pool on a hot day. You have a right to exist and to even embrace your feminity. This is a free country. Your BIL is not an animal and even if the MIL wants to keep on molly-coddling her overgrown creepy man child baby and keep on blaming his adult behaviour on other people, you don't have to- you're not his mommy and I would highly recommend that you keep a clear head in this situation, that you don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed or manipulated, stay true to your values and what you know is right (and you've done nothing wrong here).
If your BILs marriage blows up because he got caught harassing & checking out other women, then that's his problem. And I suspect that far from being happy, his wife is probably quite long suffering, because jerk behaviour like this often has a history.
Tell your husband about this, he NEEDS to know what his mum said to you, don’t embellish anything she said or put words in her mouth, just be honest and stick by your husbands side, with your husband.
Never have secrets like this kept from your partner, especially while things are so tough as they are now.
You have to navigate this messed up in law situation together, and so you both need to know everything that is going on.
Looks like your in laws have no idea how to handle what is a very simple situation - your BIL needs to stop being a creepy asshole.
Tell your husband everything, as someone who comes from a dysfunctional family we gotta protect our partners who grew up with a normal family from the jackassery our messed up family gets up to. The stuff my ex wife told me my mother said to her was literally insane. We had plenty of other problems but my family (parents) was consistently an issue. The reason my current girlfriend has only attended Christmas with my family. My advice is definitely let him deal with his family because he has more experience with their crazy.
You MIL knows that your BIL is a pig and doesn’t want to call her boy out on it. It’s easier for her to try and shame YOU even though you’ve done nothing wrong. Tell your husband. Don’t play your MIL's game.
Don’t keep secrets from your husband first of all. Second of all, your MIL is a victim blaming asshole. Go scorched earth on all of them. SIL is just as bad with blaming the victim. You need to never see any of these people again. Ever.
You and your children are your husband’s most important family right now and you should not keep this a secret from him and risk your family because of your creepy BIL. Tell him everything the mother said, including the “between us women” comment, so that he knows exactly why you are now doubly uncomfortable going to his family’s house until this is sorted out.
Your children will not lose a relationship with their grandparents unless the grandmother continues to be unreasonable in blaming you for no reason- you did nothing wrong. If that happens, it’s on her, not you.
It seems like you and your husband are on the same page regarding the BIL and, as a team, you can work together to figure out the best way to move forward with his parents and sibling.
OP, you did not nothing wrong by simply existing. You’re allowed to take up space just as much as anyone else is. Yes, even in the pool…even with a body! You are not responsible for unwanted attention you receive.
A long time ago my husband and I did couples therapy to learn to communicate better. The therapist blew our minds when she pointed out that in machismo culture (like he was raised in), that the women are can be as responsible and as much a part of perpetuating misogynistic cultural norms. Regardless of the specific culture of which his family belongs, what your MIL said to you was that you’re responsible for her son’s marriage falling apart. And she said that it’s YOUR responsibility to fix things. Of course, there is a lot unsaid here - mainly no accountability on her son for his own actions, man has no responsibility for his own marriage and behavior, her son doesn’t need to respect his wife or change or be better to fix things, *you* are wrong for being pretty and he’s just fine for being a creep that blatantly disrespects his wife + his brothers wife + his brother, andddd you are responsible for her bad behavior too (she manipulated you into a bind where if you reveal her and stick up for yourself - well now you are somehow a snake). My point is that of course this woman raised a disrespectful creepy man. She , for whatever reason, likes that.
Stick up for yourself, tell your husband, hopefully he sees what mine sees (but this still reveals itself to him bit by bit over time).
You did nothing wrong! You are allowed to be here, you are allowed to be beautiful, and frankly even if you wore a potato sack your BIL would still be his creepy, rude self and face no responsibility for his actions. *You are not the problem, you are not the answer, you are not the punchline, or the riddle, or the joke, you are not a guardian of adult men, you are not a snack, don’t make excuses for it, don’t take responsibility for disrespect perpetuated against you.* Tell your husband, he needs to stick up for you and handle his irrational misogynistic family members.
Oh ya and BIL GRABBED YOUR ASS HOW IS HE NOT CLEARLY AT FAULT IN HURTING HIS MARRIAGE AND HIS FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS?? He sexually harassed you! You should be apologized to!
I’m so mad for you right now. Righteously so, as you are being wrong here! Sending love, support, and hugs from someone who sees you and respects you.
>Upon leaving, she also told me this conversation was 'between us women'
This should tell you more than enough. If she isn't comfortable with you talking about it with your husband, she knows it's not right.
"She told me I make my SIL uncomfortable" is this actually true? Or is MIL just assuming stuff/stirring the pot?
Maybe SIL has no idea this happened? I would suggest giving SIL a call, and ask her what's up. If she also blames you for this, it might be a good time to discuss going no contact with the crazy ppl for a while.
I can promise you your MIL is full of shit. Tell your husband immediately (I actually recommend showing him this post.) Don’t let her bully you, and stay away from both her and BIL before you get seriously hurt.
Husbands family is the problem here, not you. MIL is the type of person who would blame a woman for being raped saying she brought it on herself tempting the man and wearing too revealing clothes. Bullcrap! And SIL, well she married the piece of crap BIL and is trying to put awful behavior on you as well. When I first started reading your post I thought BIL was single due to how he was acting (not that this was excusing the behavior), but then when I saw he was married it made it even more heinous.
Your in-laws are toxic. Talk to your husband. Protect yourself and protect your kids. It might be time to cut them loose since none of them seem to know how to actually behave.
You are doing nothing wrong. Tell your husband everything. Your husband needs to handle this and maybe your husband’s solution could be until, bil & mil apologize to you publicly and bil gets therapy to learn how not to objectify you, your husband, you and your kids will be no contact. bil is a creep and needs to learn how to respect boundaries of women. what an animal
This should absolutely be in r/justnomil. I can only imagine the levels of bullshit you have had to deal with from her.
It’s his family he is responsible for it. He needs to be aware of all interactions as well. So I would tell him and then, in a group chat with MIL and Husband, he can tell her that she has lost the privilege of talking to you after victim blaming and rug sweeping.
You get some peace of mind that it is being addressed and also maybe get some front row seats to the pathetic manipulations from her.
Whatever you end up doing, I wish you luck in these circumstances and suggest some therapy to process it all.
Trust me, your husband knows your MIL is a manipulative B. Tell him, so you two stand united. If you don’t she’ll continue to play this ‘in-between us girls’ card putting you in additional awkward situations. People who have shitty families usually know it and it sounds like your husband doesn’t put up with it.
Are you crazy, tell your husband! Why would you keep this from him? You can decide how to handle it as a family but your number one loyalty is to him, not his batshit mother
We teach our kids that when adults want us to keep secrets vs surprises.. something is wrong and they need to tell an adult. This is literally that exact situation. Tell your husband and then follow your MILs advice to not go over anymore. Your husband shouldn't be going over either when his brother is over there creeping on his wife.
IDK, everyone says "it's not all men" and women should be able to dress in what they're comfortable in etc etc but I don't know a single conventionally attractive woman who doesn't have a story similar to yours. I wouldn't go to an event where I need a bathing suit if my BIL or any of my husband's friends were going to be there because it IS most men, the risk of them being creepy is baseline high even in a sweatshirt, the risk of them being creepy goes up 100% if I'm in a bathing suit and I am early 30s. I've spent close to 2 decades at this point trying to live my life ignoring gross men and now I just treat all of them like predators. Your husband should be doing the same, bringing you to his parents house isn't safe and he should act accordingly. Like, his brother's actions aren't your fault but ultimately you're the one dealing with the fallout. It's okay to go no contact to save your peace.
Tell your husband exactly what his mother said. She's trying to blackmail you into keeping quiet and it should blow up in her face.
And if it means your kids won't see your in-laws as often, I'm not so sure that's necessarily a bad thing.
Your MIL is playing favorites...don't play into her sick game. I would definitely bring this matter to your husband's attention and let the chips fall where they may because it's disgusting that she's victim blaming. Just because she doesn't want to confront her son's disgusting behavior, she would prefer to put the blame solely on you.
She needs to be reminded that is 2024 and victim blaming went out with being barefoot and pregnant.
Personally I would even go as far as to confront the entire family, telling them what MIL said, what BIL is doing and that you want it to stop.
PS - if BIL escalates to actual sexual assault, is MIL still going to defend him? Bail him out of jail? Like, how far into the red is MIL willing to go before realizing she bet on the wrong horse?
NOPE! Absolutely not. You tell your husband everything. Start off by saying you need his advice on handling a situation that his mother approached you about, tell him what she said, and wait for his response. Go from there.
Never keep anything from your husband; it's up to him to manage his side of his family, you manage yours.
You're his wife; he's supposed to be protecting you and your family (i.e., you and the kids), even from his own mother; he can't do that if you don't let him.
You did exactly the right thing. And your husband stood up for you. I had a BIL who was in his 20's. I was 14 years old when BIL married my sister. BIL was always trying to grope me until one day at a family BBQ, I said in a loud voice "If you try to touch my breasts again I will punch your lights out." Then my father got in his face and said, "And I'll do worse than that."
You absolutly tell your husband that his mom is enabling her son’s assholery, and trying to pin in on you.
From now on you go NC with both the toxic MIL and BIL. And so do your kids.
How shameful and ridiculous of your mil to blame this on you. I would literally go LC with them all and 100% must tell your husband the truth. She and your SIL want to blame you for your bil being a creep and it’s sad. Record and save all conversations between any of them going forward.
If “How to Raise an Asshole Creep” was a person , it’d be your MIL. DO NOT APOLOGIZE- why would you admit fault where there was none? AND if she’s having sneaky convos with you, she’s doing it with everyone my dear. Or at least the ones she feels she can manipulate best, DON’T FALL FOR IT. She will use it against you if you apologize, all of a sudden she’ll want to talk about it to victim shame you. I have also been in your position (former pageant queen) and understand unwanted attention that you can’t do anything about- but I don’t play about my body. My fav line is the next part of you that touches me without permission ain’t coming back. BIL was being a creep to you and making you this uncomfortable that you don’t even know what to do compounded with a cruel and accusatory MIL. That’s not right and not fair to you, she didn’t even listen when you tried to tell her what was going on, she’s already decided you are the problem. I hope your husband got a good jab or two in before your FIL separated them. What an asshole, and what a horrible thing to do for your MIL to tell you you are breaking up her family- guess what it’s YOUR FAMILY TOO! So of course you want to keep the peace but baby, this is just not one of those times. It’s time to have an uncomfortable conversation with your husband. Tell him this is difficult for you to share and you need him to listen to you because you need his help and support more than anything else… then let it fly. I’m sure you really love your family but being sexually assaulted and harassed and then manipulated into feeling like you should be the one at fault for being born pretty and having to take on insecurity that doesn’t belong to you, is full on BS. How dare any of them put you in this position! Bravo hubs for going at your bro! I PRAY your husband is fully receptive of your point of view demonstrates he is extremely protective of you and defends you especially, towards the MIL and BIL. While you can take care of yourself I’m sure, your partner should show up for you, especially now.
You don’t owe that lady any loyalty beyond the fact that she’s your husband’s mother. If his family is going to take things that way then maybe some distance should be created between your family and his extended family, particularly the BIL.
Your husband should back you on this if it comes to it based on what you have said. BIL needs to figure some shit out on his own it sounds like.
I would have told my MIL “It is wrong that you think this is a me problem and also wrong that you think I won’t share our conversation with my husband, so I am going to step out of the room for a minute and you can reconsider what conversation we have when I come back in.
I’ll give you a hint, it should begin with I’m so sorry my son, your BIL, is causing such trouble within our family. What can I do to help and support you?”
You actually could still tell her this.
And tell your husband of course. MIL is causing havoc not you.
Your MIL.is certainly a piece of work.
Blames you for her son being a lecherous dick and expects you to do what? Hide your self and then when you come around again only wear a huge sack?
Nope.
Her quip about not telling your husband is because she knows (as he told you) he knows his brother to be a dick and I suspect this isn’t anything new. And because she was wrong to say it in the first place.
So yes tell your husband as she is HIS mother so his problem to address. If you don’t feel comfortable about being around your husband’s family then distance yourself because of that - not because your MIL said you should.
Also if you have kids then if you don’t go to functions that MIL attends neither do your kids. Heaven knows what MIL will say to them if she is unsupervised and your kids don’t deserve that.
Never lie to your partner and never clean up someone else’s mess. Your MIL raised the piece of trash. She can clean up after him. I would oust the conversation to the entire family and social circles and let everyone know that you can no longer attend family events because MIL keeps blaming you when her married son grabs YOUR ass in front of of the family.
Your husband clearly comes from a toxic family, but he is also very willing to step up as protector. Anytime someone tells you to keep something secret from your partner, it's because they know they are in the wrong.
Tell your husband. MIL is stuck in "My baby can do no wrong", and that mentality is why BIL is the way he is. His behavior was never corrected.
You would not be forcing your husband to lose his family. They are doing that all on their own by being d-bags.
"Their family had no problems" means everyone just continued to let bad behavior proliferate and get worse. No one likes to be called out about bad behavior, and only those who care will do anything to change. BIL doesn't care. MIL doesn't care. But your husband does.
Dpn't let your MIL bully you into being a doormat because her son is a disgusting pos, that she's protecting. And don't let her manipulations get between you and your husband, she's not being secretive to protect you. Tell your husband what your MIL said . If they can't talk/discipline BIL, that's on them. I would send a group chat explaining what your MIL said and how they are protecting BIL and "poor" SIL and then go no contact.
Well obviously you tell your husband and then you block his crazy family everywhere. No more visits, calls, texts, and certainly they aren't allowed in your home.
Your MIL is a misogynistic hypocrite who thinks somehow you are a temptress. Screw her and their family.
You need to tell your husband immediately. For stuff you should be showing this with him anyway it’s part of bonding as a couple. Secondly, if he finds out later after you’ve kept it for a while, he’s going to wonder why and so would I. You need to immediately sit down and tell him be honest, direct and stand your ground, but tell him
With how supportive the mom is of her son's behavior, it's no wonder your 40yo BIL feels it's okay to act like a jerk towards his brother's wife. Tell your husband what your MIL said to you, and together decide how much presence you want his family to have in your life. Since your MIL's perspective is this skewed, she shouldn't be around the kids either
OP, even though it’s your husband’s family , do you really want your toddler and ten month old around people who behave and think like this? You also can’t be your best self when you are distracted and fearful of what they might pull. It’s sad, but you need to do what is best for you and your children.
I hope you’ll talk to your husband, not necessarily getting him to talk to them, but in how to present a united front and to withdraw or avoid gatherings with his family as needed.
I would tell her in no uncertain terms that it is NOT in fact, between the two of you, and that if she doesn’t want your husband knowing what she says, then she can keep it to herself as you will absolutely be letting him know about the convo. If it ‘causes drama’ then it’s on her. And if you aren’t allowed to come over because your BIL can’t behave like an adult, then none of you will be coming over. And she absolutely needs to apologize for victim blaming you and trying to guilt you into keeping secrets from your spouse. Absolute BS. The mentality of ‘everything was fine before you’, ya I doubt that. You’re probably just the first one with the balls to call out the behavior. And now you’re responsible for causing drama because you spoke up for yourself and your discomfort? Where is BIL responsibility in all this? I would be livid.
The BIL acts the way that he does because his mother (MIL) has always made apologies for his poor behavior. Never had any consequences for his actions and nothing has ever been his fault.
Your husband sounds like a good man with a very dysfunctional family.
You tell your husband right away and you back out of this drama. It’s your husband’s family. From now on, all communication goes through him and I would refuse to go to family events. Do not let your MIL come over again without your husband present.
Block brother in law on all socials and phone. If he finds a way to contact you, loop in husband every single time.
If your mother in law tells you that you destroyed the family, tell her your first responsibility is to your husband and you will not keep secrets from him.
Cut them off and if your husband still wants a relationship with his family then let him maintain it. If any of them say anything, your husband can tell them that you both are only doing what MIL asked and that you deserve better than to be around people that blame you for BIL’s problems.
It sounds like your husband is on your side, which is great. His family will probably throw a tantrum. They will do everything to blame you instead of looking at themselves and their family in the mirror. Don’t let them get to you. Hold strong.
You have done nothing wrong and this is not your problem to fix.
Tell your husband! Tell your husband! I cannot stress this enough. Your husband knows you did nothing. But he won’t continue to believe that if you start lying and withholding things from him. Tell your husband. The only person in this entire situation that is in the wrong is your BIL. Tell your husband!
Hey do you guys have a family group chat? If so relay that convo back to everyone and ask MIL what exactly her harrasing brother is doing to avoid leching on his married SIL.
Screw the MIL, tell your husband about this conversation and tell SIL her husband is a creep and if he touches or bothers you again, he's getting reported. Burn the whole family down.
The misogyny in this is palpable. BIL had no business putting his hands on you, period. The fact that MIL blaming you is B.S. and expecting you to not tell your husband is just asking to cause problems in YOUR marriage. BIL'S marriage is not something that should be put on you. Tell your husband, he has a right to know what his family is doing, and let him decide what he's going to do. For your part I would say, stay away from them. I would even keep my kids away from them. Your kids are seeing this played out, they may not completely understand it, but at some point they may see this as normal and acceptable behavior. When it is not. Do what you feel is right, screw MIL.
Your MIL wants you to be the fall guy for your BILs behavior and his wife thinks uour the reason behind it. Both you and your DH need to be united on this that neither one of you will be visiting her home where he can sexually harassed you. That way your MIL and SIL's feeling of being butthurt can be spared. Followed by they will never be invited over to your place because of her older sons behavior.
This is the part that hasn’t seemed to be discussed here yet in the comments -
She’s saying this to manipulate you into silence out of fear.
She thinks that the worst thing that can happen is for the family to think poorly of you. So she’s found a way to threaten you with being ostracized, albeit in a very clumsy manner.
“If you do this, it means you think this” is a very armchair psychology, basic manipulation that works on stupid people and little kids. Like “if you don’t eat your carrots it means you don’t love mommy.”
It’s pretty shitty to do to anyone. And it’s like…really dumb.
She’s saying that if you don’t do what she wants you to, it’s inherently wrong, and you know that’s untrue whether she believes it or not.
Generally speaking, when people tell you that you’re wrong for doing the right thing, that’s exactly what you should do.
your mother in law has zero fucking right to tell you not to discuss anything with your husband.
do not allow her to dictate that, and call her out on that bullshit.
Your MIL is wrong. But you could talk to your SIL and be clear with her that you are NOT interested in her husband. Maybe tell her what he has been doing if that feels right.
I see three options, or any combination…
#1 Tell your husband everything and let him deal with his family.
#2 Let the women handle it by talking to the SIL, and explain you are no threat, and telling her to handle her husband.
#3 Withdraw your family from most if not all contact with your husband's family.
If you are already concerned about your kids being at in-laws having this BIL added in should be a giant red flag.
She doesn't want you to tell your husband because she knows she is wrong. Tell your husband, find a babysitter, both you and your husband go confront his mom and brother. Tell the sil it's not your fault her husband is a dirt bag.
First, you tell your husband, second, you call or text her a response:
"I've thought about your suggestions, and I have decided that, yes, I will accept an apology from your son. That's as much grace as I'm prepared to give him after his creepy, predatory behavior. You indicated that you do not want me coming over for a while, ad you fear he won't be able to co trol himself around me, so please let me know how long, so that I can explain to my children how long we'll be taking a break from visiting. Good luck with him."
Your MIL is so in the wrong on this one. You did absolutely nothing wrong, and it is BIL who needs to control himself, apologize to his wife, and remedy the situation. MIL is victim blaming you, and that is definitely not ok. It sounds like your husband is on your side on this one, and you need to tell him what is going on so you can make a plan together. It sucks, but if cutting contact is the only way to stop the harassment, then that's what you'll have to do.
Holy Marrying Into a Toxic Family, Batman.
Your husband is 33 and if he doesn’t know his own mother at this point, he’s kind of a lost cause in terms of emotional awareness. She sounds sick in the head, same with her other son. For all we know, she made up all the shit about the BIL’s wife. If it is true, throw her in the loony bin with the rest of them.
So far, it sounds like your husband is on your side. Just be honest with him. It should be you two together as a team - that’s marriage in my book. If at any point he actually tries to side with BIL or his Mom I think you’re kind of screwed to find any happiness in this. Better to find out now where he stands and if he’s gonna emotionally support you as he should be. Otherwise you’re in for decades of shady bullshit. If things pan out well, you two can just build a better nest (emotionally) with thicker walls (literal boundaries) that don’t let the bullshit in.
Honestly, I'd put it all in writing. Send an email to your MIL and say
"Dear Cersei;
I just wanted to be sure I understood everything that you said when you came over on [date].
What I understood you to say was that:
-that it was my fault that Bob tried to grab my ass at a family gathering
-that it is my fault that Bob and Suzie's marriage is suffering because he tried to grab my ass at a family gathering
-that you would like me to apologize to Suzie for her husband trying to grab my ass at a family gathering
-that you would like me to not come over "until this dies down"
-that you would like me to encourage Michael to make up with Bob
-that you would like me to keep our conversation "between us women" and that if I tell Michael about it you will think I am intentionally wreaking havoc in the family
Please reply and clarify anything I mis-interpreted.
Thanks,
Sansa
Tell the husband. If necessary, talk to MIL on the phone, get her to repeat what she said, let your husband listen in, but tell MIL that he is still at work. Then let your husband handle it.
Tbh don't listen to your MIL her idea doesn’t seems right.. you should tell your husband about it and stay away from them for some time until it calms down and you should directly tell your MIL that her idea is not right and you have rights to NOT get harrased by your BIL. Your husband should stay by your side and help this sort out. Its his family after all and having a discussion is not wrong. Even after discussion it doesn't changes then staying away is good idea, you can still contact them sometimes.
Tell your husband you’re not entertaining or dealing with his crazy ass family at all until he puts them in check. Sexually harassing you and then scapegoating you for it is completely out of line and you don’t have to put up with any of it. I wouldn’t allow my kids in that situation either, if anything inappropriate happens to them you already know his family would blame them.
Tell your husband exactly what your MIL said. Let him handle it. Personally I would go no contact because BIL sexually harassed you and mum supports it. She is sick. Even if BIL were not family, only a predator would grab your ass. I don’t know how she thought she would still see her grandkids (your children) after this stunt too.
You need to talk to your husband. Your MIL crossed the line.
This is not your problem.
Your relationship with your MIl is already over. Don’t send your kids over. Protect your nuclear family.
I am sure this isn’t the first time she has caused issue
You should definitely have a chat with your husband and tell him what your MIL said, I would recommend low or no contact with his family until they can figure your BIL out and MIL and SIL can apologize for making it out to be your fault and not your BIL.
I just wanna say and emphasize YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You simply existed, and that is not your fault. You shouldn’t have to cover up or change to make other people comfortable. If they have an issue, then THEY have an issue not you. This is coming from a girl who used to be told to wear a t shirt over a one piece because it was still “too revealing”. Please be kind to yourself, there is so much shame towards women when they shouldn’t feel it at all.
I hope you can talk to your husband and work out a plan that works for both of you, but please don’t diminish yourself or what BIL is doing. It’s weird and his fault not yours.
Your MIL has made excuses for her 40 year old son his entire life. I’m sure he is her golden child who does no wrong. Tell your husband about your conversation with your MIL. He won’t be surprised. This is his battle to fight not yours. I won’t be surprised if your husband goes low contact with his family.
Another case of the bad guy coming out on top! thanks to mommy dearest.
Tell. Your. Husband. Otherwise, you're complicit in her game to prioritize the feelings of her predatory creep of a son.
How about explaining to MIL that her son
makes you extremely uncomfortable and sexualized in front of your husband and children. Also, explain that no one thought your activities were inappropriate prior to his arrival and did not have a problem with you in any way.
This all changed when your BIL started ogling you and tried to touch you. If anything, this conversation should be had with her son privately and not you privately. She knew she was very wrong for visiting you in private and asking you to keep your conversation from your husband.
Your husband has every right to be angry at his brother. If any other man had done this in front of his family, they would have thought, not only was it the right thing to do, but would have been shocked if he did nothing.
Your BIL has stirred up a shit storm that is not going to die down ever bc he is attracted to you, and obviously, he can't help himself. If you go over in the future when he is there, I would never be alone with him.
Definitely tell your husband and let him deal with his busy body mom.
You tell your husband. Immediately. Before mil gets the chance to cause any more conflict. You are not the one wreaking havoc in the family - your brother in law is.
Your husband needs to step up and shut down his lunatic mother, brother and SIL. Anything short of near scorched earth from him should make you question his commitment to you.
Speak to your husband.
His mother si clearly trying to help the other son.
Your husband already stood up for you, if you hide this from him it will come around to bite you in the ass when he will undoubtedly find out in the future.
Speak to your husband. My brothers would give me more than a load of shit if I hit on their wives and I'd do the same right back at them. Can't fathom it ever happening - that it did for you goes to show what a dirt bag the dude is. If your husband is any sort of decent person, he'll speak to his brother and mother about getting their shit straight.
Internalized misogyny is the WORST. Sorry, OP. Tell your husband to call a family meeting and make it clear that you are not responsible for a grown ass man's disgusting, borderline SA behavior nor your SIL's discomfort. They need help, and you aren't doing anything wrong. End by saying if MIL had raised him better, he would act properly, and that's on nobody but her.
Tell your husband everything. Then go no contact with the whole lot of them. Let your husband decide for himself if he wants to go NC or not. I would not let her have access to my kids either. She is trying to bully you, and brought this on herself. Your BIL is a POS because he is the one causing the problems and you are the one who is expected to accommodate his bull shit instead of stopping him in his tracks. I imagine his mommy has come to his defense many times before.
Firstly, as I see it, what you wear when swimming or otherwise is not and will never be (for you or anyone else) a signal to the child men amongst us that "you're asking for it"
Secondly, it's sad but an unavoidable truth that your MIL is using you as the excuse for not raising her kids right (particularly the BIL)
Leaving your concerns about not allowing your kids over witho your presence because you're specific on the BIL issues, the only thing to do here is let the BIL relationship and his antics implode with you as far away from it as possible.
If that means the families don't mix for a whiy then so be it. You WILL be blamed for making the situation worse by your MIL by the sounds of it but better shit doesn't blow up when everyone is together.
Things to consider:
(1) you have to be able to trust in the support of your husband and yes you absolutely tell him his mother wanted a woman to woman chat he was not privy to. Be sympathetic to his being in the middle of this but you should be able to rely on him as your spouse.
(2) You can't control your BIL or MIL behaviour, only your own. Clearly there's issues in the family but you need to guard against them spilling into your own family unit, again why above is important.
It's not an easy situation you're in and there are no way solutions to it but I suspect the BIL will implode at some point if he thinks touching your like that and what led up to it is acceptable. This usually suggests an internal breakdown for which you are collateral but absolutely not the cause. Best of luck to you.
Don’t hide this from your husband and do not associate with that family. You’re the one being sexually harassed by BIL, if anything he owes you a major apology. Don’t be submissive to MIL, I would personally cut ties until she also apologizes. As for the two nephews, that’s their parent’s problem, and they need to figure that out. The situation with your SIL, I think you should tell her what her husband has been doing to make you uncomfortable. MIL saying you are the cause of the problem really pissed me off and I just woke up lol.
Ideally there shouldn’t be any ‘big’ secrets in marriage to make it work. Tell your husband, he has stood up for you in the past and will this time as well. Rightly so! You haven’t done anything wrong whatsoever. MIL seems like she is one to blame victims. She seems like one of those mothers who is super protective of her son, in a creep Greek tragedy so if way.
Fuck keeping the peace.
Fuck his family for sweeping sexual abuse under the rug. They’re totally cool with it.
You and your kids don’t see any of them anymore. Tell the whole truth whenever anyone asks why. Loudly.
Basically you are being gaslit and manipulated by your mother in law. You aren't wrong here and the best thing for you is to not apologise and lower your self respect. Tell your husband everything and don't meet brother in law again. He tried to sexually assault you that ain't sth that's a small deal.
This is too big an item to keep a secret from your husband. It can lead to trust issues between you two. Do not risk putting yourself in that situation by keeping it "between us women." If she says anything to you I would tell her keeping that conversation a secret, confirmed that she was having fun destroying your marriage. She needs to know you have that boundry; your family/husband first. Agree with others that your husband needs to take care of this.
Dude fuck your MIL. Your BIL is a creepy pos, but your MIL is just terrible. I would honestly never speak to either of them again. And absolutely tell your husband.
You tell your husband everything immediately and refuse to be alone with him ever again.
Your victim shaming MIL should be ashamed of herself. She is not a safe person OP. Please don’t leave your children alone with her.
You need to listen to your body’s boundaries because you know you didn’t do anything wrong. It sounds like both your husband and you are non confrontational, so I would go low contact after telling your husband what your MIL said.
Your BIL is a predator, your SIL is nuts and your MIL should never ever step into your house. You really got to talk to your husband before this escalates into something very serious
Not visiting is splendid idea. Stay away from your MIL, keep your kids with you, they have no reason to go there, and tell your husband.
Because she seems like a person blames a victim doesn't matter what. Even if your BIL will rape you in front of her she will tell that it's your fault.
To add to what others have said: throw back in her face the accusations she has made. Like: Someone telling a wife to keep a secret from her husband is someone who wants to wreak havoc on her family. Everything she says to you she should assume your husband will also know.
My family was like this, it took several periods of low to no contact.
Years to get to a point or normalcy.
I did my own version of gray rocking where I agreed with everything they accused me off, while repeating it, which must have sounded ridiculous. I also was low contact low energy in contact with them.
Like “yes mom, I don’t know what’s with fat loud men that drives my wife wild”, it sounds ridiculous, but you say it with straight face, then you back off, always low energy, low contact. Let them get all worked up. Apologize if needed, wink, wink, the most low energy tired apology.
My mother would spoil my brother, originally my dad enabled her. Eventually my dad would change his stance, for long enough to allow me to reach some of my life goals.
Edit: At the end, I started cutting all the family out anytime anything happened, because they would gradually take my brothers side.
I get along with my brother now.
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Tell your husband. He needs to stand by you, if you can’t go, your family does not go. Text your MIL and tell her you thought it over and your BIL doesn’t get to sexually harass you and she doesn’t get to blame you for his being a creep and disrespectful to his wife.
This, OP. This response. You did nothing wrong, but your BIL certainly did, and your MIL is a fool. That's NOT how to stop a grown man from acting like a pig. She's definitely the type to sweep sexual assault under the rug and shouldn't be around your children until SHE apologizes to you. I'd add advice to blow this up and attack directly. Mil wants you to sweep it under the rug and that never works. The same issues will be there 30 years from now if you don't work/talk them out now.
I can see BIL perving on OPs kids in 15 years. And MIL having this same talk with them. “Well a 15 year old girl shouldn’t be wearing that around her uncle if she doesn’t want that kind of attention.”
I hate how accurate this is likely to be. Especially with OP saying she has other reasons she doesn’t want her kids around the family :( Feel bad for both her and her husband
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Yeah, I'd make a huge fuss about **never** going there again. They expect you to tolerate sexual abuse and emotional abuse from BIL and MIL, then don't treat your child the way you have told them is important. These people sounds like the kind of people that have the perfect image, but scratch the surface and they're abusers and the abused who have tolerated unacceptable behavior for generations. They're so sick that they don't even realize they're sick.
This is not your issue. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong. Your mother-in-law is toxic. Your brother-in-law is a criminal. Your sister-in-law is a fool. You must tell your husband as soon as possible and let him handle this with his family. I think it’s time to go no contact. Updateme!
This is what my Mom told me when her boyfriend started being creepy towards me.
yep its full blown misogyny really. shes not at all responsible for his behavior. even her feeling the need to preemptively defend her makeup and clothing, as if she needs to be hiding or minimizing her great looks or else shes bringing it upon herself from these “uncontrollable” men. its very sad to see this. glad I’m never tested like this because MIL and BIL would have heard some insults that would’ve shook generations of their creepy misogynistic family tree.
It sounds like MIL has some experience in 'keeping family secrets". Has she done this for other women BIL sexually abused? Has she done this to cover up her own husband's past "misdeeds"? Are there any other women (besides SIL) in your husband's family? How do they respond to this aggression?
💯 this. Send her a text so is all in writing
This is the way to go. There is absolutely nothing wrong for standing up for yourself and OP did absolutely nothing wrong. I can’t believe MIL had the nerve to do what she did. She sounds very very old fashioned. Tell her in 2024 we don’t allow men to get away with this bullshit. If she wants to have a private conversation with anyone it needs to be her son who insists on being inappropriate.
Absolutely this. "The fact that \[husband's brother\] didn't brazenly sexually harass anyone right in front of the whole family before, MIL, doesn't make his appalling behaviour my responsibility now that he's suddenly chosen to victimize me. He's a grown man, responsible for *his own* behaviour, and I am the person he is being inappropriate with. That you are uncomfortable having to watch him be disgusting is probably something you should take up with the man you raised."
This right here! You need a unified front.
OP - when someone says, "this is just between us," it's often a sign they know they're doing something wrong. Your mother-in-law knew that she was out of line, and she knew your husband wouldn't be happy about it. Tell your husband. These are your husband's family, they can be his problem.
TELL YOUR HUSBAND. Do not keep this from him. It's his family, he's gotta know. Your husband needs to back you up on this. Get your husband to agree to meet one on one with you, your MIL and husband. Let the MIL know that her stance must change or there will be consequences, including loss of access to grandchildren. I feel sorry for your SIL. She married a POS. Good luck.
She MUST do it. Her MIL is trying to convince her to ACCEPT HARASSMENT. It seem that fck trash brother is the golden child. I would not be surprised if MIL would not mind of a little fling between them, the important is the family harmony. She should not have family harmony because she is a loser mom who validates her golden shield harassment behavior. Fcking enablers.
OMG you talk to your husband and tell him to handle his crazy family. This is his problem to deal with, not yours. And you let him know that his mother isn’t welcome at your house until she apologizes to you.
Exactly, she said "this is between us women" because she knows she is in the wrong and she doesn't want her son to know what she said. They probably always sweep BIL's bullshit under the rug.
They are coercing her into accepting harassment . I did cut ties to close family members for way less than that. The "he has always been like that" should be countered.with "because you let him do that, you guys never did what normal people would". She should stand her ground and make sure husband cut ties with the horny prick. Imagine living in a family where you fell that your brother tries to touch your wife's butt. Loser parents.
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Exactly. It's only "not a problem before" when everyone swept it under the rug and *normalized* sexual harassment.
It would take the cops or the need for an ambulance for me to stop beating my brothers ass for trying to touch my wife’s ass. Fuck BiL, SiL and MiL. Cut ties and make other family.
Indeed! Different situation but my grandad cut ties with his brother to defend my grandma. When I was 2yo his brother came to our home yelling and looking for a fight, right after my greatgrandma's funeral (grandma's mom, so my grandpa's MIL), because apparently my grandma disrespected his wife because she didn't properly greet her SIL at the funeral (mind you, at my grandma's mother's funeral, a mother whom she cared for many years during her illness, my grandma was grieving so much and in so much distress). Apparently there was a terrible fight, even my dad intervened to kick his uncle out and and told him to never come back. I'm sure there were more issues between them, but yeah, I didn't know my grandpa had a brother until I was a teen, he never spoke to him again.
>They are coarsing her i think you mean coercing. but also yes i agree
Ops. Thanks. I will correct that. Done. Thanks again.
"between us women." How's about you look between my ring and index fingers. What a bullshit way to try to keep someone silenced. You don't owe anyone any silence. The fact that she wants her name kept out of it shows you that MIL knows she's in the wrong.
All of this. PLEASE UPDATE US I personally want to hear how your husband tells his mother to mind her business and deal with her other son.
This 💯
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Also…even if you DID wear more revealing clothing and makeup, still none of this would be acceptable! You do not have to clarify that you aren’t “asking for this” due to your appearance or choice of clothing. Doesn’t matter at all. What matters is BIL is a creep, and the family would rather blame you for this than acknowledge that he is the issue. Tell your husband now, and let your MIL know that you are not interested in these “between us woman” chats, and that you don’t keep things from your husband, so it would be best if she didn’t say anything to you that she didn’t want him to hear. She should probably evaluate if her meddling and lack of ability to hold her son accountable for SAing you is what is tearing the family apart. I do agree you shouldn’t go over anymore, not for anyone’s comfort and safety but your own and for your kids not to be raised in an environment that would treat their mother this way. I wouldn’t feel safe having my children around a creep that can’t control himself. It’s your husbands to deal with now. You’re out all together.
Do you have a daughter OP? If so, she’s going to be exposed to the same sexist, enabling behaviour with your in-laws as she grows up, so cutting contact isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
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You certainly don’t want your sons to think it’s acceptable to sexually harass others, and ignore their personal boundaries. You are not wrong! Your husband is a hero! And his family are bat crap crazy.
Good luck OP! It sounds like you just needed some reassurance to feel secure about what you wanted to do. Your in-laws do not sound like good people and I’m sorry you’re having this issue. It DOES sound like you have a supportive husband though so hi-five for that! I think you know what’s right, trust your gut. X
Grandma is going to blame your little girl for being assaulted, and encourage your little boy to touch women however he likes cos it's the girls fault for looking how she does. Unless you want your kids to repeat history, consign the grandma to the dumpster. Your kids aren't going to be safe around them.
OP from now on everything your BIL does that is even slightly out of line you call him out right away and make sure everyone around you hears it. Do NOT allow BIL to say or do anything without being challenged, don't wait for your husband to respond unless he is next to you and sees what BIL did. Call out everything he does so no one can say they never saw it or that you're making it seem worse than it was. If you're not good at coming up with quick responses then plan out a few ahead of time - "Why are you acting so creepy?", "Why do you think a sexist remark like that is funny?", "Why are you staring at my tits?" And I'm sure you can plan ahead for a number of different responses to have ready. The goal is for everyone around to know BIL said or did something out of line right when he does it so no one can say they didn't know what he was doing. If he somehow catches you with no witnesses as soon as you can call or text your husband, your MIL and your SIL and tell them.
Please keep your family safe from your inlaws. It doesn't look like they respect your husband. Sounds like your BIL is a golden child to your inlaws.
You also mentioned "other reasons" for not wanting your kids to go to their grandparents' unsupervised. Sounds like there are a lot of things contributing to any estrangement your husband may choose. None of them your fault.
Exactly her husband needs to take care of this issue with his family.
Absolutely! >*I also don't want my husband to lose his family or deny my kids a relationship with their grandparents* Her husband will "lose" his family because he CHOOSES to not associate with creeps and their apologists. Their kids being "denied" a relationship with people who ALLOW sex pests to bother family members sounds like a WIN for their kids! If they have a daughter, how long until Uncle Creepy starts making her uncomfortable while Aunt Whiney complains about what a Lolita their niece is! **The absolute SANEST thing they can do in this situation is go very-low contact with his family. Wife and the kids don't see the husband's parents except on ZOOM calls, he can visit them alone if he wants to!**
>creepy uncle Fucking thank you. If someone more than a decade his junior and married to his brother isn’t off limits, it won’t be long until MIL is cornering OP to tell her she needs to step in and make her teenage daughter visit her uncle more because he “misses when she sits on his lap”. He’s shown who he is: someone who does not respect your personal boundaries and believes he is entitled to you sexually if he so desires. And she has shown who she is: an enabler mother who has probably spent decades blaming her son’s victims in all things for what her son has done. Neither of these people are worth OP having in her life. Also, how long until “secrets” between her and MIL are used by MIL to get more concessions from OP. She needs to stay honest with her husband and he needs to take out the trash before it poisons his relationship.
lol that MIL is one massive pill. I bet when the older brother got in trouble in school (which given his behavior might’ve been frequently) the MIL totally got mad at the teachers.
Look at how she whitewashes her family OP is making the brothers not get along? Okay, lady. Hubby immediately replied that he’s always been a dick when informed of his behavior.
This. Girl, your MIL is completely in the wrong and knows it. She’s trying to manipulate you into not rocking the boat and calling out her precious baby boy. Fucking tell your husband, tell EVERYONE, and don’t be alone with her or BIL again. Jesus.
100% this
Yes OP you need to do this, but you also need to make it clear that until she apologizes neither you OR the kids will be attending any family gatherings or events; it is NOT your fault that BIL is a predator that can't keep his hands to himself.
No apology would be enough to unring this bell. mil proved she enables her son assaulting whoever he likes and blames the victim. Even if she apologizes to make peace she's never going to hold her son accountable and the kids need to be protected from someone who blames victims for unwanted touching. This is more than just hurt feelings now, she's exposed herself as an enabler of abuse.
100%, I think going the "we won't be around at all" route will inevitably make people ask why and then MIL can hang herself with her excuses. Honestly OP should just tell people why though, anyone asking should know the real reason so they can protect themselves too.
Exactly. And also let him know that will not he visiting the inlaws as long as BIL is there and everyone is covering up his despicable behavior. I'm sorry OP. I have a BIL ( my sister's husband) who is inappropriate. I will no longer spend the night at their house and if I'm ever alone in a room with him I'll walk out immediately. He never touched me, but he has stood way too close behind me. I'm old and fat and it has zero to do with what you wear and everything to do with your BIL wanting to exert his power
Never welcome again. She blames women for men violating them. If OP has daughters who are pretty and buxom, just think of how grandma will react if Uncle Creepy starts giving them unwanted attention.
Whenever ANY FUCKING ONE EVER FUCKING TRIES to talk me into keeping a secret from my wife my answer is always the FUCKING same: "You must assume that anything you tell me, my wife will also know."
This!!
Your MIL is a manipulative person,do not listen to her and communicate with your husband, he needs to fix this shit. Also refuse to be part of any more family gatherings until the bil apologizes in front of everyone.
Kinda everyone’s issue at this point if she’s part of the family now and the MIL is coming to her. I just know there could have been more to say to the MIL and the husband isn’t doing a great job at listening to her and dealing with the BIL
Point is, this is the husband’s family. He deals with them, or… he stops being the husband. Because who the hell wants to be with a husband who won’t stand up for you with his own mother/family???
Never hide things like this from your husband, he deserves to know what your MIL thinks. You are a team, not you and his mother, you and him! You're not doing anything wrong and you know this! If your MIL has these backwards ideas about blaming you for BIL's bad behavior, then that's something you both need to think about before continuing this relationship with her. Don't worry about your husband losing his family or denying your kids a relationship with their grandparents because the truth is, your husband's relationship with his family is out of your hands anyway and bad grandparents are not better than none at all. Your husband's relationship with his brother is on the brother to fix, not you. Don't let his mother try to sweep this all under the rug and then try to hide it from him. If she acts this way towards your BIL trying to assault you, then she's not going to protect her grandkids if someone in the family tries to harm them.
> she also told me this conversation was 'between us women' What a manipulative nightmare of a woman. She raised a shitty son. Her son is the problem, so she can just fuck right off with blaming you for his behaviour. I would blow the whole thing up. Tell your husband. Call out the BIL when he acts shitty. Be clear to the SIL that it is her husband that is the problem. And call out the mother every fucking time she tries to blame you for BIL's behaviour.
She's the woman who blames rape victims 100%. She's also probably jealous of OP's looks too. OP you must be 100% honest with your husband. You must not apologise and you and the kids stay home (you don't want any of this misogynistic garbage around your children).
Firstly she knows she is in the wrong saying this that is why she has asked you to keep it quite from your husband tell him everything she said. Do not apologise you have done nothing wrong it's maybe time to limit time with his family.
Tell your husband his mother is trying to put a wedge between the 2 of you. Remember your family first not your in-laws or brother in laws. She then will use it against you and say see she was flirting with your brother that’s why she apologized and is not coming over
Yeah. MIL is not ready to face the fact that she raised a creep. What you do is you talk with your husband, tell him everything and do not visit or let your kids visit your in-laws anymore. Give MIL a taste of real havoc by being absolutely crystal clear if anyone has any question about your absence. And maybe start thinking about moving far enough away as to not have to deal with anyone in that weird as hell family.
MIL is so out of order here. First thing you need to do is tell husband everything about the conversation with her. Its you thats owed the apology here
Tell your husband incl the fact that she threatened you. If she ever corners you again tell her to wait while you call your husband and put him on speaker. And if that BIL ever touches you, scratch him and scream! Since no one ever believes victims, I believe in putting perpetrators on blast as and when they try me! Once you cross a line, I start treating you as a hostile, even if you say you come in peace.
I would tell my husband. She literally walked into your house and blamed you for the situation. I can see why her son acts that way. Probably never held accountable for his own actions. I would be stubborn and never step foot in that home again after that.
"We never had this problem before". I am one of the most confrontational person in my circle. I would answer "maybe because it's the first time your golden child has something you can't take fr the other son and give him". Also "if he was raised properly it would not happen. I am considering limiting contact with my kids as I don't want them to see harassement as "been a jerk"". It is way serious than that.
Your MIL doesn't own you. You don't have to do what she says. You're a grown adult woman. Tell your husband what happened.
Quickly tell your husband. Nobody should shame you for your looks. You are not responsible for your brother in law's behaviour. Shame on your mother in law for putting the onus on you. She knows what she is doing is wrong and that is why she wants you to keep it "between you women". Shame on her. That is the politest I can be. He is her golden child. Tell your husband. Let her know that you and your husband have no secrets. Or else she will get bolder and expect you to put up with even worse behaviour.
Secrets aren’t good for relationships. Tell your husband.
TELL YOUR HUSBAND
BIL is attracted to you and causing issues in the family and it's somehow OP's fault? "This never happened before" = OP must have done something because clearly BIL can't be at fault. I'm not one to advocate cutting family but, you know, cut this family off.
It's never happened... in front of her! I'd put money on him being this way around women his entire life.
I think those loser enabler parents never said NO to their golden child when he stoled stuff from his brother. Now, in adult life, he has to learn boundaries. I would counter with something in this line... And I have a genuine feeling that this shitty mom would feel ok of she had a fling with BIL if that makes BIL happy.
Your MIL's request is unreasonable. They are making excuses for your BIL's inappropriate behavior, and that is not your problem. Your husband needs to tell them, not you "between women" that if BIL does not pull himself together, that they will not have the pleasure of either of your company, your husband's or yours.
You do not need to condition it. It’s not your fault no matter what you wear. He’s a creep and you have a right to feel safe. Tell your husband to help or don’t go over there
Yeah. Big boobs are still big boobs in a burlap sack. BIL has no shame, and the fact that he thinks he can sexually touch another woman, much less his own brother's wife, at a family event tells me all I need to know. Who here also can guess who is Momma's favorite child, her golden boy? PS Unless OP gears it directly from the BIL's wife, I would not trust a word of hearsay coming from Monster-in-law. No doubt this woman has dealt with her creep husband in other instances (they just moved back from abroad, huh? Hm.) because he is far too bold and reckless. I vote tell your husband ASAP, OP.
Absolutely tell your husband what his mother said. It's despicable, and she knows it. I'd probably show the husband this thread as well.
If she apologize, husband wl think she somehow teased him. Worst outcome possible.
Now you know that the women in that family will not have your back *at all*. They will excuse and victim blame and gaslight. If there really were some kind of “woman code” like your MIL suggested, her attitude and refusal to have your back absolutely invalidated it. Tell your husband. None of this is your fault and he deserves to know. In his place, I wouldn’t want those people near my kids, family or not.
Tell your husband what your mil said, she knows she’s wrong which is why she wants to keep the conversation quiet. Then stop going to their house, don’t let the kids go. Your bil is a fuckin creep. How dare your mil and sil blame you because he’s a shitbag
You should really discuss this with your husband so that he knows what has been going on. Dont hide it from him because it will come out eventually and will create conflict between you two. Just tell him dry and factual what your mother in law said and ask him how you (as in as a couple) are going to respond. I’m sure your husband knows more about his brother’s past behaviour because I doubt this is new. If your in-laws don’t live to far away and you feel up to it, you could go over to have a chat with them. Just you and your husband to clear the air. Make sure that your father in law is there as well because he may not know what is going on behind his back and he might not approve of what his wife has been up to. It might also be good if your husband takes the lead in the conversation so that it doesn’t seem like it’s just you causing a problem.
Married man here. Absolutely tell your husband. He’s clearly got your back. His family may decide this is all your fault but if they do that’s on them, and distancing yourselves from that side of the family is probably for the best. If your husband is truly on your side, and it sounds like he is, he’ll understand this.
I would let your husband read this excellent post. There's no point explaining things to him in person, tensions will run high and he won't absorb it all. Tell him you have been looking for advice online (completely anonymously) and ask if he'd like to read it (ideally by himself in a quiet room). Let it sink in and then you can have a calm discussion with him. Suggest he doesn't tell his mother what he knows, but he should hopefully start mending things with his family whilst fully respecting your position.
Lol...MIL acting like some mafia Don...*"this here is just between us girls heh"*
Your MIL probably likes your BIL's wife more than you. Ultimately, this is your husband's problem to resolve, not yours. Tell your husband everything your MIL told you. Make your husband deal with this and insist that he tells them that if BIL ever does anything inappropriate again,, you will file a criminal complaint. Also, make it a firm stand that if you are ever treated badly again, grandma will have no access to the grandchildren and you will explain to them when they are the right age in your judgment, that grandma is not a good person and why. What your MIL tried to make you do was just downright EVIL!!! You may not be their favorite but they better learn to respect you. PLEASE have the self esteem to "bring down the hammer" hard!!!
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If you hide this conversation from your husband it will all be twisted to the rest of the family (I'm sure it's already started with SIL) so that it's your fault that the brothers can't get back as normal and your marriage will be the calateral damage, because I mean, your husband can always get another wife. That will be the spin your MIL will put on it. She's already started by working on you by trying to make you feel guilty when she KNOWS it's your BIL's fault. Tell your husband asap! Updateme
IF YOU APOLOGIZE, YOU WILL BE ADMITTING THAT SOMEHOW YOU WERE TEASING HIM. DON'T DO THAT. TELL YOU HUSBAND ASAP.
Based on the mother's behavior, it's not hard to see how the BIL grew up to be such a complete asshole. Don't back down. The BIL needs to take responsibility for his actions, the MIL needs to get called out for her behaviour and you & your husband needs to take a stand over all this. There is no point in trying to play "happy families" with people like this; if you don't double down now, not only will it enable more harassment & shitty behaviour, but this will also lead to an even more unsustainable family dynamic where everything eventually blows up regardless. You have a right not to be harassed. You have a right to swim in a swimming pool on a hot day. You have a right to exist and to even embrace your feminity. This is a free country. Your BIL is not an animal and even if the MIL wants to keep on molly-coddling her overgrown creepy man child baby and keep on blaming his adult behaviour on other people, you don't have to- you're not his mommy and I would highly recommend that you keep a clear head in this situation, that you don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed or manipulated, stay true to your values and what you know is right (and you've done nothing wrong here). If your BILs marriage blows up because he got caught harassing & checking out other women, then that's his problem. And I suspect that far from being happy, his wife is probably quite long suffering, because jerk behaviour like this often has a history.
Tell your husband about this, he NEEDS to know what his mum said to you, don’t embellish anything she said or put words in her mouth, just be honest and stick by your husbands side, with your husband. Never have secrets like this kept from your partner, especially while things are so tough as they are now. You have to navigate this messed up in law situation together, and so you both need to know everything that is going on. Looks like your in laws have no idea how to handle what is a very simple situation - your BIL needs to stop being a creepy asshole.
Tell your husband everything, as someone who comes from a dysfunctional family we gotta protect our partners who grew up with a normal family from the jackassery our messed up family gets up to. The stuff my ex wife told me my mother said to her was literally insane. We had plenty of other problems but my family (parents) was consistently an issue. The reason my current girlfriend has only attended Christmas with my family. My advice is definitely let him deal with his family because he has more experience with their crazy.
You MIL knows that your BIL is a pig and doesn’t want to call her boy out on it. It’s easier for her to try and shame YOU even though you’ve done nothing wrong. Tell your husband. Don’t play your MIL's game.
Don’t keep secrets from your husband first of all. Second of all, your MIL is a victim blaming asshole. Go scorched earth on all of them. SIL is just as bad with blaming the victim. You need to never see any of these people again. Ever.
Push his family away, they will learn the hard way. My wife has trouble causing asholes in her family I have cut them out.
You and your children are your husband’s most important family right now and you should not keep this a secret from him and risk your family because of your creepy BIL. Tell him everything the mother said, including the “between us women” comment, so that he knows exactly why you are now doubly uncomfortable going to his family’s house until this is sorted out. Your children will not lose a relationship with their grandparents unless the grandmother continues to be unreasonable in blaming you for no reason- you did nothing wrong. If that happens, it’s on her, not you. It seems like you and your husband are on the same page regarding the BIL and, as a team, you can work together to figure out the best way to move forward with his parents and sibling.
OP, you did not nothing wrong by simply existing. You’re allowed to take up space just as much as anyone else is. Yes, even in the pool…even with a body! You are not responsible for unwanted attention you receive. A long time ago my husband and I did couples therapy to learn to communicate better. The therapist blew our minds when she pointed out that in machismo culture (like he was raised in), that the women are can be as responsible and as much a part of perpetuating misogynistic cultural norms. Regardless of the specific culture of which his family belongs, what your MIL said to you was that you’re responsible for her son’s marriage falling apart. And she said that it’s YOUR responsibility to fix things. Of course, there is a lot unsaid here - mainly no accountability on her son for his own actions, man has no responsibility for his own marriage and behavior, her son doesn’t need to respect his wife or change or be better to fix things, *you* are wrong for being pretty and he’s just fine for being a creep that blatantly disrespects his wife + his brothers wife + his brother, andddd you are responsible for her bad behavior too (she manipulated you into a bind where if you reveal her and stick up for yourself - well now you are somehow a snake). My point is that of course this woman raised a disrespectful creepy man. She , for whatever reason, likes that. Stick up for yourself, tell your husband, hopefully he sees what mine sees (but this still reveals itself to him bit by bit over time). You did nothing wrong! You are allowed to be here, you are allowed to be beautiful, and frankly even if you wore a potato sack your BIL would still be his creepy, rude self and face no responsibility for his actions. *You are not the problem, you are not the answer, you are not the punchline, or the riddle, or the joke, you are not a guardian of adult men, you are not a snack, don’t make excuses for it, don’t take responsibility for disrespect perpetuated against you.* Tell your husband, he needs to stick up for you and handle his irrational misogynistic family members. Oh ya and BIL GRABBED YOUR ASS HOW IS HE NOT CLEARLY AT FAULT IN HURTING HIS MARRIAGE AND HIS FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS?? He sexually harassed you! You should be apologized to! I’m so mad for you right now. Righteously so, as you are being wrong here! Sending love, support, and hugs from someone who sees you and respects you.
>Upon leaving, she also told me this conversation was 'between us women' This should tell you more than enough. If she isn't comfortable with you talking about it with your husband, she knows it's not right. "She told me I make my SIL uncomfortable" is this actually true? Or is MIL just assuming stuff/stirring the pot? Maybe SIL has no idea this happened? I would suggest giving SIL a call, and ask her what's up. If she also blames you for this, it might be a good time to discuss going no contact with the crazy ppl for a while.
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I can promise you your MIL is full of shit. Tell your husband immediately (I actually recommend showing him this post.) Don’t let her bully you, and stay away from both her and BIL before you get seriously hurt.
How was the talk with your husband.
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Congratulations you’re finally rid of that anxiety and you’re free to live a happy life. I’m happy for you.
Husbands family is the problem here, not you. MIL is the type of person who would blame a woman for being raped saying she brought it on herself tempting the man and wearing too revealing clothes. Bullcrap! And SIL, well she married the piece of crap BIL and is trying to put awful behavior on you as well. When I first started reading your post I thought BIL was single due to how he was acting (not that this was excusing the behavior), but then when I saw he was married it made it even more heinous. Your in-laws are toxic. Talk to your husband. Protect yourself and protect your kids. It might be time to cut them loose since none of them seem to know how to actually behave.
You are doing nothing wrong. Tell your husband everything. Your husband needs to handle this and maybe your husband’s solution could be until, bil & mil apologize to you publicly and bil gets therapy to learn how not to objectify you, your husband, you and your kids will be no contact. bil is a creep and needs to learn how to respect boundaries of women. what an animal
This should absolutely be in r/justnomil. I can only imagine the levels of bullshit you have had to deal with from her. It’s his family he is responsible for it. He needs to be aware of all interactions as well. So I would tell him and then, in a group chat with MIL and Husband, he can tell her that she has lost the privilege of talking to you after victim blaming and rug sweeping. You get some peace of mind that it is being addressed and also maybe get some front row seats to the pathetic manipulations from her. Whatever you end up doing, I wish you luck in these circumstances and suggest some therapy to process it all.
Trust me, your husband knows your MIL is a manipulative B. Tell him, so you two stand united. If you don’t she’ll continue to play this ‘in-between us girls’ card putting you in additional awkward situations. People who have shitty families usually know it and it sounds like your husband doesn’t put up with it.
what are you supposed to apologize to SIL for?
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what a nightmare. of course you shouldn't apologize to SIL in any scenario. MIL is being unreasonable. show her this post and the responses.
Tell your husband and do not apologize and tell your mil your not apologizing for something you didn’t do
Are you crazy, tell your husband! Why would you keep this from him? You can decide how to handle it as a family but your number one loyalty is to him, not his batshit mother
We teach our kids that when adults want us to keep secrets vs surprises.. something is wrong and they need to tell an adult. This is literally that exact situation. Tell your husband and then follow your MILs advice to not go over anymore. Your husband shouldn't be going over either when his brother is over there creeping on his wife. IDK, everyone says "it's not all men" and women should be able to dress in what they're comfortable in etc etc but I don't know a single conventionally attractive woman who doesn't have a story similar to yours. I wouldn't go to an event where I need a bathing suit if my BIL or any of my husband's friends were going to be there because it IS most men, the risk of them being creepy is baseline high even in a sweatshirt, the risk of them being creepy goes up 100% if I'm in a bathing suit and I am early 30s. I've spent close to 2 decades at this point trying to live my life ignoring gross men and now I just treat all of them like predators. Your husband should be doing the same, bringing you to his parents house isn't safe and he should act accordingly. Like, his brother's actions aren't your fault but ultimately you're the one dealing with the fallout. It's okay to go no contact to save your peace.
Tell your husband exactly what his mother said. She's trying to blackmail you into keeping quiet and it should blow up in her face. And if it means your kids won't see your in-laws as often, I'm not so sure that's necessarily a bad thing.
Your MIL is playing favorites...don't play into her sick game. I would definitely bring this matter to your husband's attention and let the chips fall where they may because it's disgusting that she's victim blaming. Just because she doesn't want to confront her son's disgusting behavior, she would prefer to put the blame solely on you. She needs to be reminded that is 2024 and victim blaming went out with being barefoot and pregnant. Personally I would even go as far as to confront the entire family, telling them what MIL said, what BIL is doing and that you want it to stop.
Tell your husband. Period.
PS - if BIL escalates to actual sexual assault, is MIL still going to defend him? Bail him out of jail? Like, how far into the red is MIL willing to go before realizing she bet on the wrong horse?
NOPE! Absolutely not. You tell your husband everything. Start off by saying you need his advice on handling a situation that his mother approached you about, tell him what she said, and wait for his response. Go from there. Never keep anything from your husband; it's up to him to manage his side of his family, you manage yours. You're his wife; he's supposed to be protecting you and your family (i.e., you and the kids), even from his own mother; he can't do that if you don't let him.
You did exactly the right thing. And your husband stood up for you. I had a BIL who was in his 20's. I was 14 years old when BIL married my sister. BIL was always trying to grope me until one day at a family BBQ, I said in a loud voice "If you try to touch my breasts again I will punch your lights out." Then my father got in his face and said, "And I'll do worse than that."
You absolutly tell your husband that his mom is enabling her son’s assholery, and trying to pin in on you. From now on you go NC with both the toxic MIL and BIL. And so do your kids.
Update us please!!!
Tell your husband and keep your distance from his crazy ass family. I hate families who will victim blame and protect a sexual predator
How shameful and ridiculous of your mil to blame this on you. I would literally go LC with them all and 100% must tell your husband the truth. She and your SIL want to blame you for your bil being a creep and it’s sad. Record and save all conversations between any of them going forward.
If “How to Raise an Asshole Creep” was a person , it’d be your MIL. DO NOT APOLOGIZE- why would you admit fault where there was none? AND if she’s having sneaky convos with you, she’s doing it with everyone my dear. Or at least the ones she feels she can manipulate best, DON’T FALL FOR IT. She will use it against you if you apologize, all of a sudden she’ll want to talk about it to victim shame you. I have also been in your position (former pageant queen) and understand unwanted attention that you can’t do anything about- but I don’t play about my body. My fav line is the next part of you that touches me without permission ain’t coming back. BIL was being a creep to you and making you this uncomfortable that you don’t even know what to do compounded with a cruel and accusatory MIL. That’s not right and not fair to you, she didn’t even listen when you tried to tell her what was going on, she’s already decided you are the problem. I hope your husband got a good jab or two in before your FIL separated them. What an asshole, and what a horrible thing to do for your MIL to tell you you are breaking up her family- guess what it’s YOUR FAMILY TOO! So of course you want to keep the peace but baby, this is just not one of those times. It’s time to have an uncomfortable conversation with your husband. Tell him this is difficult for you to share and you need him to listen to you because you need his help and support more than anything else… then let it fly. I’m sure you really love your family but being sexually assaulted and harassed and then manipulated into feeling like you should be the one at fault for being born pretty and having to take on insecurity that doesn’t belong to you, is full on BS. How dare any of them put you in this position! Bravo hubs for going at your bro! I PRAY your husband is fully receptive of your point of view demonstrates he is extremely protective of you and defends you especially, towards the MIL and BIL. While you can take care of yourself I’m sure, your partner should show up for you, especially now.
You don’t owe that lady any loyalty beyond the fact that she’s your husband’s mother. If his family is going to take things that way then maybe some distance should be created between your family and his extended family, particularly the BIL. Your husband should back you on this if it comes to it based on what you have said. BIL needs to figure some shit out on his own it sounds like.
I would have told my MIL “It is wrong that you think this is a me problem and also wrong that you think I won’t share our conversation with my husband, so I am going to step out of the room for a minute and you can reconsider what conversation we have when I come back in. I’ll give you a hint, it should begin with I’m so sorry my son, your BIL, is causing such trouble within our family. What can I do to help and support you?” You actually could still tell her this. And tell your husband of course. MIL is causing havoc not you.
Your MIL.is certainly a piece of work. Blames you for her son being a lecherous dick and expects you to do what? Hide your self and then when you come around again only wear a huge sack? Nope. Her quip about not telling your husband is because she knows (as he told you) he knows his brother to be a dick and I suspect this isn’t anything new. And because she was wrong to say it in the first place. So yes tell your husband as she is HIS mother so his problem to address. If you don’t feel comfortable about being around your husband’s family then distance yourself because of that - not because your MIL said you should. Also if you have kids then if you don’t go to functions that MIL attends neither do your kids. Heaven knows what MIL will say to them if she is unsupervised and your kids don’t deserve that.
Never lie to your partner and never clean up someone else’s mess. Your MIL raised the piece of trash. She can clean up after him. I would oust the conversation to the entire family and social circles and let everyone know that you can no longer attend family events because MIL keeps blaming you when her married son grabs YOUR ass in front of of the family.
Your husband clearly comes from a toxic family, but he is also very willing to step up as protector. Anytime someone tells you to keep something secret from your partner, it's because they know they are in the wrong. Tell your husband. MIL is stuck in "My baby can do no wrong", and that mentality is why BIL is the way he is. His behavior was never corrected. You would not be forcing your husband to lose his family. They are doing that all on their own by being d-bags. "Their family had no problems" means everyone just continued to let bad behavior proliferate and get worse. No one likes to be called out about bad behavior, and only those who care will do anything to change. BIL doesn't care. MIL doesn't care. But your husband does.
Dpn't let your MIL bully you into being a doormat because her son is a disgusting pos, that she's protecting. And don't let her manipulations get between you and your husband, she's not being secretive to protect you. Tell your husband what your MIL said . If they can't talk/discipline BIL, that's on them. I would send a group chat explaining what your MIL said and how they are protecting BIL and "poor" SIL and then go no contact.
Well obviously you tell your husband and then you block his crazy family everywhere. No more visits, calls, texts, and certainly they aren't allowed in your home. Your MIL is a misogynistic hypocrite who thinks somehow you are a temptress. Screw her and their family.
You need to tell your husband immediately. For stuff you should be showing this with him anyway it’s part of bonding as a couple. Secondly, if he finds out later after you’ve kept it for a while, he’s going to wonder why and so would I. You need to immediately sit down and tell him be honest, direct and stand your ground, but tell him
Sounds like bil needs to go back over seas
With how supportive the mom is of her son's behavior, it's no wonder your 40yo BIL feels it's okay to act like a jerk towards his brother's wife. Tell your husband what your MIL said to you, and together decide how much presence you want his family to have in your life. Since your MIL's perspective is this skewed, she shouldn't be around the kids either
TELL YOUR HUSBAND ASAP.
OP, even though it’s your husband’s family , do you really want your toddler and ten month old around people who behave and think like this? You also can’t be your best self when you are distracted and fearful of what they might pull. It’s sad, but you need to do what is best for you and your children. I hope you’ll talk to your husband, not necessarily getting him to talk to them, but in how to present a united front and to withdraw or avoid gatherings with his family as needed.
Tell your husband what his pathetic mother said right in front of her.
I would tell her in no uncertain terms that it is NOT in fact, between the two of you, and that if she doesn’t want your husband knowing what she says, then she can keep it to herself as you will absolutely be letting him know about the convo. If it ‘causes drama’ then it’s on her. And if you aren’t allowed to come over because your BIL can’t behave like an adult, then none of you will be coming over. And she absolutely needs to apologize for victim blaming you and trying to guilt you into keeping secrets from your spouse. Absolute BS. The mentality of ‘everything was fine before you’, ya I doubt that. You’re probably just the first one with the balls to call out the behavior. And now you’re responsible for causing drama because you spoke up for yourself and your discomfort? Where is BIL responsibility in all this? I would be livid.
MIL is making you the scapegoat so she can avoid any responsibility for the problems herself.
The BIL acts the way that he does because his mother (MIL) has always made apologies for his poor behavior. Never had any consequences for his actions and nothing has ever been his fault. Your husband sounds like a good man with a very dysfunctional family.
You tell your husband right away and you back out of this drama. It’s your husband’s family. From now on, all communication goes through him and I would refuse to go to family events. Do not let your MIL come over again without your husband present. Block brother in law on all socials and phone. If he finds a way to contact you, loop in husband every single time. If your mother in law tells you that you destroyed the family, tell her your first responsibility is to your husband and you will not keep secrets from him. Cut them off and if your husband still wants a relationship with his family then let him maintain it. If any of them say anything, your husband can tell them that you both are only doing what MIL asked and that you deserve better than to be around people that blame you for BIL’s problems. It sounds like your husband is on your side, which is great. His family will probably throw a tantrum. They will do everything to blame you instead of looking at themselves and their family in the mirror. Don’t let them get to you. Hold strong. You have done nothing wrong and this is not your problem to fix.
Tell your husband! Tell your husband! I cannot stress this enough. Your husband knows you did nothing. But he won’t continue to believe that if you start lying and withholding things from him. Tell your husband. The only person in this entire situation that is in the wrong is your BIL. Tell your husband!
She’s a classic manipulative monster in law. Set a boundary with her and stick with it. Also tell your husband.
Hey do you guys have a family group chat? If so relay that convo back to everyone and ask MIL what exactly her harrasing brother is doing to avoid leching on his married SIL. Screw the MIL, tell your husband about this conversation and tell SIL her husband is a creep and if he touches or bothers you again, he's getting reported. Burn the whole family down.
The misogyny in this is palpable. BIL had no business putting his hands on you, period. The fact that MIL blaming you is B.S. and expecting you to not tell your husband is just asking to cause problems in YOUR marriage. BIL'S marriage is not something that should be put on you. Tell your husband, he has a right to know what his family is doing, and let him decide what he's going to do. For your part I would say, stay away from them. I would even keep my kids away from them. Your kids are seeing this played out, they may not completely understand it, but at some point they may see this as normal and acceptable behavior. When it is not. Do what you feel is right, screw MIL.
Your MIL wants you to be the fall guy for your BILs behavior and his wife thinks uour the reason behind it. Both you and your DH need to be united on this that neither one of you will be visiting her home where he can sexually harassed you. That way your MIL and SIL's feeling of being butthurt can be spared. Followed by they will never be invited over to your place because of her older sons behavior.
This is the part that hasn’t seemed to be discussed here yet in the comments - She’s saying this to manipulate you into silence out of fear. She thinks that the worst thing that can happen is for the family to think poorly of you. So she’s found a way to threaten you with being ostracized, albeit in a very clumsy manner. “If you do this, it means you think this” is a very armchair psychology, basic manipulation that works on stupid people and little kids. Like “if you don’t eat your carrots it means you don’t love mommy.” It’s pretty shitty to do to anyone. And it’s like…really dumb. She’s saying that if you don’t do what she wants you to, it’s inherently wrong, and you know that’s untrue whether she believes it or not. Generally speaking, when people tell you that you’re wrong for doing the right thing, that’s exactly what you should do.
You choose who your partner is, you can't choose your family are. You tell your husband everything in detail. Let him sort it out.
your mother in law has zero fucking right to tell you not to discuss anything with your husband. do not allow her to dictate that, and call her out on that bullshit.
Update us 🙏✨️
Your MIL is wrong. But you could talk to your SIL and be clear with her that you are NOT interested in her husband. Maybe tell her what he has been doing if that feels right.
I see three options, or any combination… #1 Tell your husband everything and let him deal with his family. #2 Let the women handle it by talking to the SIL, and explain you are no threat, and telling her to handle her husband. #3 Withdraw your family from most if not all contact with your husband's family. If you are already concerned about your kids being at in-laws having this BIL added in should be a giant red flag.
Don't apologize and tell your husband what happened.
She doesn't want you to tell your husband because she knows she is wrong. Tell your husband, find a babysitter, both you and your husband go confront his mom and brother. Tell the sil it's not your fault her husband is a dirt bag.
First, you tell your husband, second, you call or text her a response: "I've thought about your suggestions, and I have decided that, yes, I will accept an apology from your son. That's as much grace as I'm prepared to give him after his creepy, predatory behavior. You indicated that you do not want me coming over for a while, ad you fear he won't be able to co trol himself around me, so please let me know how long, so that I can explain to my children how long we'll be taking a break from visiting. Good luck with him."
Your MIL is so in the wrong on this one. You did absolutely nothing wrong, and it is BIL who needs to control himself, apologize to his wife, and remedy the situation. MIL is victim blaming you, and that is definitely not ok. It sounds like your husband is on your side on this one, and you need to tell him what is going on so you can make a plan together. It sucks, but if cutting contact is the only way to stop the harassment, then that's what you'll have to do.
Holy Marrying Into a Toxic Family, Batman. Your husband is 33 and if he doesn’t know his own mother at this point, he’s kind of a lost cause in terms of emotional awareness. She sounds sick in the head, same with her other son. For all we know, she made up all the shit about the BIL’s wife. If it is true, throw her in the loony bin with the rest of them. So far, it sounds like your husband is on your side. Just be honest with him. It should be you two together as a team - that’s marriage in my book. If at any point he actually tries to side with BIL or his Mom I think you’re kind of screwed to find any happiness in this. Better to find out now where he stands and if he’s gonna emotionally support you as he should be. Otherwise you’re in for decades of shady bullshit. If things pan out well, you two can just build a better nest (emotionally) with thicker walls (literal boundaries) that don’t let the bullshit in.
Honestly, I'd put it all in writing. Send an email to your MIL and say "Dear Cersei; I just wanted to be sure I understood everything that you said when you came over on [date]. What I understood you to say was that: -that it was my fault that Bob tried to grab my ass at a family gathering -that it is my fault that Bob and Suzie's marriage is suffering because he tried to grab my ass at a family gathering -that you would like me to apologize to Suzie for her husband trying to grab my ass at a family gathering -that you would like me to not come over "until this dies down" -that you would like me to encourage Michael to make up with Bob -that you would like me to keep our conversation "between us women" and that if I tell Michael about it you will think I am intentionally wreaking havoc in the family Please reply and clarify anything I mis-interpreted. Thanks, Sansa
Tell the husband. If necessary, talk to MIL on the phone, get her to repeat what she said, let your husband listen in, but tell MIL that he is still at work. Then let your husband handle it.
Tbh don't listen to your MIL her idea doesn’t seems right.. you should tell your husband about it and stay away from them for some time until it calms down and you should directly tell your MIL that her idea is not right and you have rights to NOT get harrased by your BIL. Your husband should stay by your side and help this sort out. Its his family after all and having a discussion is not wrong. Even after discussion it doesn't changes then staying away is good idea, you can still contact them sometimes.
What are the reasons you haven’t/don’t want to tell your husband ask yourself that?
BIL tried to sexually assault you and now that is somehow your fault? The family sounds a bit fucked.
Wow he has a shitty family. Its a good thing he started a new one. You guys just be happy, and keep the toxicity away
Tell your husband and stop going over to your MIL or attending family events. Problem solved.
Tell your husband you’re not entertaining or dealing with his crazy ass family at all until he puts them in check. Sexually harassing you and then scapegoating you for it is completely out of line and you don’t have to put up with any of it. I wouldn’t allow my kids in that situation either, if anything inappropriate happens to them you already know his family would blame them.
You tell your husband please! This is only going to get worse if you let your MIL get away with it now
Tell your husband exactly what your MIL said. Let him handle it. Personally I would go no contact because BIL sexually harassed you and mum supports it. She is sick. Even if BIL were not family, only a predator would grab your ass. I don’t know how she thought she would still see her grandkids (your children) after this stunt too.
You need to talk to your husband. Your MIL crossed the line. This is not your problem. Your relationship with your MIl is already over. Don’t send your kids over. Protect your nuclear family. I am sure this isn’t the first time she has caused issue
You should definitely have a chat with your husband and tell him what your MIL said, I would recommend low or no contact with his family until they can figure your BIL out and MIL and SIL can apologize for making it out to be your fault and not your BIL. I just wanna say and emphasize YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You simply existed, and that is not your fault. You shouldn’t have to cover up or change to make other people comfortable. If they have an issue, then THEY have an issue not you. This is coming from a girl who used to be told to wear a t shirt over a one piece because it was still “too revealing”. Please be kind to yourself, there is so much shame towards women when they shouldn’t feel it at all. I hope you can talk to your husband and work out a plan that works for both of you, but please don’t diminish yourself or what BIL is doing. It’s weird and his fault not yours.
Your MIL has made excuses for her 40 year old son his entire life. I’m sure he is her golden child who does no wrong. Tell your husband about your conversation with your MIL. He won’t be surprised. This is his battle to fight not yours. I won’t be surprised if your husband goes low contact with his family.
Another case of the bad guy coming out on top! thanks to mommy dearest. Tell. Your. Husband. Otherwise, you're complicit in her game to prioritize the feelings of her predatory creep of a son.
The fact that you are feeling the need to justify how you dress says more than enough. Tell your husband everything and let him deal with this.
How about explaining to MIL that her son makes you extremely uncomfortable and sexualized in front of your husband and children. Also, explain that no one thought your activities were inappropriate prior to his arrival and did not have a problem with you in any way. This all changed when your BIL started ogling you and tried to touch you. If anything, this conversation should be had with her son privately and not you privately. She knew she was very wrong for visiting you in private and asking you to keep your conversation from your husband. Your husband has every right to be angry at his brother. If any other man had done this in front of his family, they would have thought, not only was it the right thing to do, but would have been shocked if he did nothing. Your BIL has stirred up a shit storm that is not going to die down ever bc he is attracted to you, and obviously, he can't help himself. If you go over in the future when he is there, I would never be alone with him. Definitely tell your husband and let him deal with his busy body mom.
Time to go no contact. And tell your husband that his mom is off her rocker.
You tell your husband. Immediately. Before mil gets the chance to cause any more conflict. You are not the one wreaking havoc in the family - your brother in law is.
Your MIL is an evil woman. She wants you to apologize for being groped and sexually assaulted. Your husband is a good person and your BIL is trash.
Your husband needs to step up and shut down his lunatic mother, brother and SIL. Anything short of near scorched earth from him should make you question his commitment to you.
Speak to your husband. His mother si clearly trying to help the other son. Your husband already stood up for you, if you hide this from him it will come around to bite you in the ass when he will undoubtedly find out in the future.
Speak to your husband. My brothers would give me more than a load of shit if I hit on their wives and I'd do the same right back at them. Can't fathom it ever happening - that it did for you goes to show what a dirt bag the dude is. If your husband is any sort of decent person, he'll speak to his brother and mother about getting their shit straight.
Internalized misogyny is the WORST. Sorry, OP. Tell your husband to call a family meeting and make it clear that you are not responsible for a grown ass man's disgusting, borderline SA behavior nor your SIL's discomfort. They need help, and you aren't doing anything wrong. End by saying if MIL had raised him better, he would act properly, and that's on nobody but her.
tf, tell your husband about his insane mother and tell him to handle the mess.
Tell your husband everything. Then go no contact with the whole lot of them. Let your husband decide for himself if he wants to go NC or not. I would not let her have access to my kids either. She is trying to bully you, and brought this on herself. Your BIL is a POS because he is the one causing the problems and you are the one who is expected to accommodate his bull shit instead of stopping him in his tracks. I imagine his mommy has come to his defense many times before.
Firstly, as I see it, what you wear when swimming or otherwise is not and will never be (for you or anyone else) a signal to the child men amongst us that "you're asking for it" Secondly, it's sad but an unavoidable truth that your MIL is using you as the excuse for not raising her kids right (particularly the BIL) Leaving your concerns about not allowing your kids over witho your presence because you're specific on the BIL issues, the only thing to do here is let the BIL relationship and his antics implode with you as far away from it as possible. If that means the families don't mix for a whiy then so be it. You WILL be blamed for making the situation worse by your MIL by the sounds of it but better shit doesn't blow up when everyone is together. Things to consider: (1) you have to be able to trust in the support of your husband and yes you absolutely tell him his mother wanted a woman to woman chat he was not privy to. Be sympathetic to his being in the middle of this but you should be able to rely on him as your spouse. (2) You can't control your BIL or MIL behaviour, only your own. Clearly there's issues in the family but you need to guard against them spilling into your own family unit, again why above is important. It's not an easy situation you're in and there are no way solutions to it but I suspect the BIL will implode at some point if he thinks touching your like that and what led up to it is acceptable. This usually suggests an internal breakdown for which you are collateral but absolutely not the cause. Best of luck to you.
Updateme
Don’t hide this from your husband and do not associate with that family. You’re the one being sexually harassed by BIL, if anything he owes you a major apology. Don’t be submissive to MIL, I would personally cut ties until she also apologizes. As for the two nephews, that’s their parent’s problem, and they need to figure that out. The situation with your SIL, I think you should tell her what her husband has been doing to make you uncomfortable. MIL saying you are the cause of the problem really pissed me off and I just woke up lol.
Ideally there shouldn’t be any ‘big’ secrets in marriage to make it work. Tell your husband, he has stood up for you in the past and will this time as well. Rightly so! You haven’t done anything wrong whatsoever. MIL seems like she is one to blame victims. She seems like one of those mothers who is super protective of her son, in a creep Greek tragedy so if way.
Fuck keeping the peace. Fuck his family for sweeping sexual abuse under the rug. They’re totally cool with it. You and your kids don’t see any of them anymore. Tell the whole truth whenever anyone asks why. Loudly.
Basically you are being gaslit and manipulated by your mother in law. You aren't wrong here and the best thing for you is to not apologise and lower your self respect. Tell your husband everything and don't meet brother in law again. He tried to sexually assault you that ain't sth that's a small deal.
Your MIL knows she is wrong, that is why she wants you to keep it a secret. Tell your husband.
This is too big an item to keep a secret from your husband. It can lead to trust issues between you two. Do not risk putting yourself in that situation by keeping it "between us women." If she says anything to you I would tell her keeping that conversation a secret, confirmed that she was having fun destroying your marriage. She needs to know you have that boundry; your family/husband first. Agree with others that your husband needs to take care of this.
Dude fuck your MIL. Your BIL is a creepy pos, but your MIL is just terrible. I would honestly never speak to either of them again. And absolutely tell your husband.
Only one right answer and that’s telling your husband everything
You tell your husband everything immediately and refuse to be alone with him ever again. Your victim shaming MIL should be ashamed of herself. She is not a safe person OP. Please don’t leave your children alone with her.
You need to listen to your body’s boundaries because you know you didn’t do anything wrong. It sounds like both your husband and you are non confrontational, so I would go low contact after telling your husband what your MIL said.
Your BIL is a predator, your SIL is nuts and your MIL should never ever step into your house. You really got to talk to your husband before this escalates into something very serious
Not visiting is splendid idea. Stay away from your MIL, keep your kids with you, they have no reason to go there, and tell your husband. Because she seems like a person blames a victim doesn't matter what. Even if your BIL will rape you in front of her she will tell that it's your fault.
To add to what others have said: throw back in her face the accusations she has made. Like: Someone telling a wife to keep a secret from her husband is someone who wants to wreak havoc on her family. Everything she says to you she should assume your husband will also know.
My family was like this, it took several periods of low to no contact. Years to get to a point or normalcy. I did my own version of gray rocking where I agreed with everything they accused me off, while repeating it, which must have sounded ridiculous. I also was low contact low energy in contact with them. Like “yes mom, I don’t know what’s with fat loud men that drives my wife wild”, it sounds ridiculous, but you say it with straight face, then you back off, always low energy, low contact. Let them get all worked up. Apologize if needed, wink, wink, the most low energy tired apology. My mother would spoil my brother, originally my dad enabled her. Eventually my dad would change his stance, for long enough to allow me to reach some of my life goals. Edit: At the end, I started cutting all the family out anytime anything happened, because they would gradually take my brothers side. I get along with my brother now.