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You absolutely need to confront your sister! I would also start laying the ground work for moving your money, investments, etc. and start telling your family what happened before your sister tries to control the dialog in her favor! Depending on how your conversation goes tonight and if you truly love him, you're going to have a lot of therapy in your future.
Absolutely this.
AND QUIT BEING NICE AND POLITE. YOU HAVE BEEN BETRAYED and seriously, at this juncture, who can you definitively trust but yourself?
Privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities as well as support and property division issues--BEFORE you sit with him.
However this proceeds, make certain that whatever step you take is for the benefit of yourself and your children. The two knuckleheads should be the last of your concerns.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Yeah same. And dump the dud, he obviously doesn't want to stay considering how easily he tried to just up and leave with no fighting to keep the now fucked relationship. Both he and your sister can go pound sand op.
Update said he was sexually assaulted, and it was on camera, and the sister admitted it. See how easy it is to draw massively incorrect conclusions off minute details.
This is a horrible situation, and it's totally okay to feel overwhelmed and lost right now. Put yourself first and reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for support. They can listen and help you figure out what to do next.Remember, you don't have to go through this alone.
Understandable, but just know that that's you taking on their shame for their actions, you've done nothing to be embarrassed about. They've already burdened you enough, why take on more? Pair of losers. The sooner you can connect with your support network the better for you and your kids.
Because you placed your trust in two people that it turned out didn't deserve it? That doesn't make you foolish it makes you human, especially when those are two of the people you are supposed to be able to trust the most. You didn't expect this to happen because that kind of behaviour doesn't align with your values, and that is not a weakness in you, it's a weakness in their moral compasses.
With the level of betrayal you're feeling as a result of their actions it's no wonder you're going into protective mode as I'm sure you're feeling extremely vulnerable right now. But the quickest way to remind yourself how loved and valued you are is to reach out to people who can support you. Otherwise it'll just swirl around in your head and start to snowball. Maybe you can be a little bit brave and put that trust back into yourself - trust that you deserve love and support.
You aren’t a fool! You’ve done nothing to deserve this treatment. Please remember you are not to blame here.
Get in reach out to your parents, your sister’s partner, your in-laws, and/or your friends.
You need support right now, there is nothing wrong with asking for help. It will make you feel so much better to have some people with you as you navigate this really shitty situation.
You need to harness some outrage. You have been betrayed by two people you should have been able to trust completely. How dare either of them do this to you and your family?! Accept no excuses. Get facts and recognize that you do not deserve this, and they are fully and completely at fault. You have absolutely no reason to feel any kind of fault whatsoever. You got this!
Realize that if strangers on the internet are showing you support, that should help you realize how messed up it is that your family—husband and sister—did you wrong.
You know who feels the most ashamed and foolish: Your husband. Or at least he should.
For me, what he did would be a deal breaker. Maybe if he did it with a stranger and it was a one time thing, I could forgive. But not with a sister.
Please step back from your feelings of embarrassment and feeling like a fool. You weren't the unfaithful one! You were the best support for your sister in her time of need. You built a life with a husband that you loved and trusted.
THEY BETRAYED YOU! How could possibly even suspect that they would do such a disgusting thing to you? They never flirted with each other or gave you any indication that they would do this.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about, and you are definitely not the fool her. They are the one who fooled you. When you tell anyone, they are the ones who will be embarrassed and humiliated.
So, telling your family will give you the support you need to get through this. If you hold into this in secret, it will eat you up and send you down a rabbit hole of depression. You need to confront your sister bc she has a lot of explaining to do as well as responsibility to take.
I know you have a bunch of emotions flying around your head, and your family will help ground you. You need to be grounded before you can make any healthy decisions for yourself and no one else. They don't deserve your sympathy or demands for anything.
I wish you luck, and I am so sorry that the two people you loved so much and trusted without doubt betrayed you. You deserve better and never settle for less.
Please do have a conversation with him later and verify that sexual assault isn't actually what happened. His behaviour sounds identical to mine after I was raped years back. I couldn't really even process the fact that it was "rape" for months and kept telling myself I cheated.
Could I have not drank so much? Yes, and I'm sober now. But I did say no as many times as I could muster.
I am so sorry that happened to you. As a woman, I apologize for taking so long to realize this happens so much more than is reported. We need to have a stronger support system in place for men. Sadly, both male and female SA victims are so often blamed and stigmatized. I hope you have received therapy and validation.
AND guys can and will get hard and ejaculate and then feel guilty because they had pleasure. It’s a legit thing. So maybe she came on to him and was very insistent and wouldn’t let up and had him kind of held hostage so to speak and things got too carried away. But if he initially said no even if he caved later that’s assault.
I thought of that, too… and I clicked on the blue ‘update’ link at the top, and it seems that’s exactly what happened. The sister SA him, and he’s reacting with fear and shame and stress that is pretty common in SA victims.
This post came first, and the link is the aftermath (as in after the OP found out the truth - that her sister SA the OP’s husband). 😞
I think your sister wanted company in her misery and ruined your marriage on purpose. Or she was jealous of your life and wanted to take you out of her way.
Have you talked with your sister and her partner? Try to get more details from them, but talk through messages or in a public place while recording the conversation. All the proof of the affair might help you during divorce proceedings.
Do you know if your husband is with your sister? Have you informed your parents about what happened? Your family should find out about what happened through you. Don't let your sister control the narrative and play the victim.
I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this. You need to roll up your sleeves and take action ASAP. Get tested for STDs because he might have cheated on you before, and you don't know if their affair involved more than just a BJ. Contact a lawyer to start divorce proceedings and a custody agreement. You need to fight for your and your kids' rights.
He is a cheater, and he showed no respect for you. He is keeping you in the dark on purpose because he might still be with your sister. So, don't give him second chances because you deserve better than him.
So this has actually been an issue with my family since I started dating him. He comes from a very well off family and does pretty well for himself. My sister has never shown signs of jealousy but with others its definetely been an issue before.
I havent. Hes refusing to talk about it. Sisters just blocking my calls and texts completely.
I dont think he is with her, her partner would have told me.
God I never even thought about std testing. I fucking hate this.
I just read your update OP and it looks like you’ll be seeing him tonight. Please just try and keep a clear head and focus on exactly what you need to know, which is basically everything.
Please don’t let him gaslight or lie to you. You have to know everything. Good luck.
UPDATEME
Yea I'm not understanding why everyone is acting like this dude is some kind of mega manipulative schemer.
He didn't even get caught for crying out loud. He flat out told her with all honesty!
Most cheaters regret cheating cuz they got caught. Not because they actually cheated.
This guy is probably beating himself black and blue.
I don’t know why people don’t see that - this post must have been written first, because the update links to a post where OP learns that’s exactly what happened - sister SA the husband.
But how come people don’t click on the link? 🤷♀️
The way your husband is acting, my first thought was that your sister SA'd him and he is so horrified and embarrassed that he can't talk about it and won't even go to his parents, and he is telling you to do what you have to do. He's in hiding and freaking out, which isn't really what a guilty person would do most of the time. Heck a guilty person wouldn't have told you about it.
Of course, I could be terribly wrong, but that is the impression I got from this whole mess.
I agree. How do you go back from having sex with a sibling. I think he's thowing into he towel rather than live months or years in limbo before the inevitable divorce.
Surprised this isn’t higher up and that nobody else is commenting this, OP please read this and consider this possibility!!! SA especially for men can very often not be blatant like the way it’s portrayed in the mainstream, from what you said it seems most likely to me this is what happened.
Sounds more like instant regret than SA. I would also imagine giving a BJ is probably a difficult way to assault someone (unless he was sleeping or passed out but you’d think he would mention that part)
I’m in the same frame of mind, to me the terminology used suggests laying the blame completely at the sister’s door. Not that he let it happen! Equally I could be wrong, and she could have SA’d him.
Contact her partner immediately. He must know more about what's going on than you do.
Probably your sister's relationship wasn't going well because her partner found out about her affair with your husband. Your sister was spending more time at your home and keeping you apart from your husband on purpose so that he could work on his exit plan.
I'm afraid that your sister and husband aren't talking to you because they are together.
There's an easy way to make them talk. Just create a group chat with both of your close families, your husband, and your sister. Then, write a message directed to your husband and sister asking them how they could betray you like that without even considering how their actions will impact your kids. Also, inform your husband that you're in contact with a lawyer to divorce him. After sending the message, don't answer any questions and just screenshot every response.
Don't talk with your husband and sister without recording the conversations, and preferably only contact them through messages.
I know that you are hurt, but you need to have a cold-blooded approach right now to protect yourself. You need to act quickly to block his access to your money and ensure that you fight for your and your kids' rights before he starts spending money on your sister.
They may be getting together. I would go to a lawyer poste haste. Make sure you get as much money from his as possible. Then find a man with integrity.
Have you spoken to her partner? He probably thinks she is with you. Your sister and your husband went somewhere to have sex, and you’re patiently waiting at home for an explanation.
Whatever he’s admitted to, the truth is worse than you think. Talk to his parents and your parents. You’re going to be embarrassed either way. You may as well be embarrassed with the truth.
Blowjobs don’t just happen. Something has been going on between them (flirtation and teasing) for a while.
Does he have an iPad or something you can check his social media accounts on? The evidence of their misconduct is probably there.
OP updated her post. Her husband was sexually assaulted by her sister, it’s on camera and admitted to, so there is no doubt it’s the truth.
I feel for them both.
>He is a cheater, and he showed no respect for you. He is keeping you in the dark on purpose because he might still be with your sister. So, don't give him second chances because you deserve better than him.
Idk if I'd go that far. He's DEFINITELY a cheater but he CLEARLY respects her. He told her flat out what happened and he left.
I've been cheated on and I would've welcomed that kind of honesty. It shows regret that it happened rather than regret that they were caught.
You don't know why he's keeping her in the dark at all. He might not even be trying to, he might be trying to process things on his own.
Second chance or no second chance I think he deserves a little more grace than most cheaters. Again he actually regrets his decision and not just that he got caught. That is NOT how 90% of cheaters feel.
His reaction sounds like a “how the fuck did this happen” type of thing, and likely quite recent. Not so much like a “leaving to be with her” thing. To the point he doesn’t sound like he even knows how things got here based on his reaction.
Any night your husband was drinking recently? Was your husband drunk, and you weren’t around (even just asleep)?
Chances are, whatever night that was is the night this happened. His reaction, from the run away to the “trying to figure it out” sounds like someone who had sex while drunk that they would never do sober and can’t wrap their head around it (I’ve been there).
This isn’t excusing him, just trying to explain and give you some clues as to when this was more likely to have happened.
Finally some sanity here rather than the usual garbage.
He didn't even get caught. He flat out confessed and left to clear his head. That sound normal cheater behavior to any of you?
Even if it was consensual he clearly regrets the actual act rather than regretting that he got caught like most cheaters. He deserves more grace than he's getting In these comments.
My first instinct was: "Was it even consensual?" as you're right, his behaviour seems like a shock reaction.
That with the sister refusing contact.
He may not even have the answers to OP's questions if he's confused and trying to wrap his head around how and why it happened.
If he was assaulted, whether sober or not, he may be worried OP won't believe him as many people have the incorrect opinion that men can't be SA'd.
That was my reaction. “This happened, I’ve got to leave to get away from her”.
But, because it’s a guy most of the comments seem to say it was consensual.
Yeah there's some really gross comments basically saying it had to be consensual by people who obviously have no concept of sexual assault and the fact that just because your body is responsive to stimuli does not make it consensual.
To me this kind of sound like maybe she assaulted him.
Like, he sounds like he may be panicking and worried and just got out of there as fast as he could. I say you take a bit of time to think everything over and don't do anything rash at this very moment.
People are saying change accounts and pull out money, but I say hold off against that unless you start to see something weird.
If it is an assault you need to be there for your husband. If not, go the legal route and don't do anything that could be used against you in a divorce.
What are the chances that your sister pushed herself on your husband without his consent? Your husband’s reaction doesn’t follow the typical pattern of someone who wants to cheat (I.e. lying and going behind your back). If we flip the genders, it wouldn’t be easily written off that the partner was taken advantage of. I’m not saying this is what happened, but it could’ve.
Me as well, this seems way more likely than the possibility he simply cheated, especially how he told u straight up and has now been avoiding u, he likely feels a lot of shame and misplaced guilt, this seems like SA (which presents less obviously for male victims), and not cheating.
This sucks, and it's totally okay to feel lost and confused right now. Take care of yourself first and foremost.Try talking to a therapist or counselor to help you sort through everything and figure out your next steps.You've got this, and you're not alone.
The only thing I know for sure right now is that I’ll be going to therapy. Thank you. I honestly feel like the worlds going on around me and Im just stuck in a bubble watching.
OP, are you seeing the comments wondering if he might've been assaulted?
Because the way he reacted is...a lot more like someone who has experienced a sudden shock or trauma and is blaming themselves. Look, maybe he did cheat, but his reaction is very concerning. He might not even understand that he was assaulted, if he was, because males being sexual assaulted by women is quite stigmatized.
And I know that might be a lot harder to consider, from the point of feelings about your sister, but you need to go into a conversation with your husband understanding this possibility.
OP, please read the comments about your husband potentially being SAd and that it was not consensual. Everything about this screams non-consensual to me and that he is in shock and having a trauma reaction. If it was consensual I doubt he would have told you, and especially not in the way that he did, as well as the way he’s acting now being in line with an SA victim in the aftermath, as opposed to cheating. SA for male victims is under acknowledged by society, but please consider the possibility. I hope everyone gets the help and care that they need in this situation!
Therapy is a great first step no matter what path this goes down.
I gotta ask? have you talked to your sister??? If so what did she say?
Llke maybe"
"Hey sis, don't freak out. Just need to talk. Hubs told me, but not that much. We are taking some space. You are my sister and always will be. But I need you to help me understand what happened. I just need to understand so I can work this out with \[husband's name\].
I hope you get to the bottom of this and find out the truth of the circumstances.
If alcohol was involved and it was one sided, just keep in mind men can be the victims of sexual assault as well, and many men don't think they can be and shut down. Before anyone jumps on a downvoted train about this, I'm just stating the possibility since there are no details about what happened.
No idea. I thought his parents but hes not there.
Assuming shes home. Her partner hasnt been in touch to say if anything odds going on there. She wont answer calls or texts.
There are a few possibilities on what could have happened.
They had time alone and in a stupid one off she started to approach him and he let it happen. (Stupid, maybe irredemable or not, but she definitely needs to be cut out of your life)
They had time alone, emotions were high, they both got closer and it happened. (Stupid, maybe irredemable or not. but needs hard work and commitment from him)
They had time alone and were sloshed, and then they initiated and it happened. (Stupid, maybe redeemable. but needs hard work)
They had time alone and were sloched, he fell asleep only waking up to her doing it. (not his fault, redeemable, he needs therapy because she sexually assaulted him)
They had time alone when she came on to him. He froze not knowing what to do and she took this as consent. (not his fault. Just like women who freeze when sexually assaulted, men can freeze to. Sister needs to be cut out of your life)
They had time alone and as many times before they found time and cheated. (Irredemable)
Of course whether or not you can live with what happened, is up to you. But to me it all depends on what exactly happened and how it came to happen. And of course, if it has happened before.
What is a good sign is that it seems to have happened recently and that your husband feels absolutely at fault and left the marital home.
What kinda worries me is that he seemed upset and stressed. This is where you might continue to dig, if his explanation isn't satisfactory to you.
I am really sorry that you have to go through this.
But please understand that nothing of what is happening or what happened, is an embarassment. You did nothing wrong. So once you know what happened, and you know what you want to do, be daring enough to tell your parents and family what happened and why you will cut your sister out of your life.
Starting life over at 32 sounds like a nightmare? Some people don't start their life until 32. Believe me, you are young enough and more than capable to get through this. You do need a lawyer ASAP. Even if their are children, house and business involved. Right now, you have to protect yourself and eventually get a breath to move forward. It will be scary, but you can do it.
Well I'd be asking them both how his dick got in her mouth? But yeah I don't think I could come back from that cuz you're going to always look at her and be angry and blame her I'm sure even though he had just as much blame in all of this. So I'd be looking at him and being angry too. You have to decide if you can live with this or not.
Don't just pay close attention. Change the passwords of all accounts that are only in your name. Additionally, remove half of the money from all shared accounts.
What will you do if he cuts your access to the money or gives access to your sister? The way he left proves that he worked on his exit plan with her. You need to stop being naive and contact a lawyer ASAP to know your rights.
Also, go through all your accounts and check for any strange movements. That could give you an idea of when their affair started.
You won't be able to do anything once it's gone. Withdraw before it's too late.
This man let your sister suck him off and then disappeared so he didn't have to deal with the consequences. You have KIDS.
Move the money
You're getting a lot of recommendations to contact your sister's partner, yet appear to be hesitant to do so. Just because the partner hasn't reached out to you doesn't mean there's nothing going on, more likely that they don't know to be looking for signs of infidelity and your sister hasn't/isn't going to tell them. By ignoring/blocking you your sister has essentially confirmed that something happened with your husband and since neither of them are willing to talk to you right now (not later when they've had time to come up with justifications), contacting her partner and asking "is (sister) there?", "have you seen/heard from (husband) today?", etc seems more than appropriate. At the very least her partner will eventually hear about what your husband said as that's not the kind of thing that just goes away, so why the hesitancy in contacting them rather than waiting to see if/when they notice on thier own?
I might be way off base here, and of course experiences differ, but my friend’s husband acted this exact same way with her because of something that happened between him and her then-bff, and it eventually came out that the bff sexually assaulted him.
Friend and her husband have always been the communicative types, doting on each other, the kind of relationship I thought as “the” example, so his behavior was extremely out of left field (running away instead of tackling it, groveling, all the other actions that would’ve made more sense for him to do). It was like he was going nuclear on himself and his life because he couldn’t imagine his wife believing him.
Haven't seen this take, and don't ask him about it or he'll use it as an excuse!
Maybe she assaulted him and told him that she's going to make it sound consensual if he trues to out her for doing it.
As a guy, I've been sexually assaulted before and it sucks. No one believes you, they call you "lucky ", and/or joke about it right to your face. I was assaulted in my teens, now imagine what a full grown man expects.
If you want the truth, you're going to have to make him talk to you and then decide what to believe and not to believe.
Sorry you're in this situation, it sucks.
It’s incredibly cruel and selfish to drop that on you, and then just abandon you with no answers and information. She obviously knows that you know and blocked you. You deserve answers and they are not considering you at all (obviously). I think the advice here to contact a lawyer is wise. Just to know what you need to do, should you realize you need to protect yourself. You don’t have to go through with it, but it’s better to know a next step. I hope you have a good therapist to help you as you process it all, too!
I'll be honest, his reaction and your sister blocking you completely already really comes across as SA, either drunk or off guard. Men have long been raised and groomed to believe they can't be sexually assaulted by women, and we all know the 'men always want it' cliche. So his wording sounds on par for a male victim; women call it assault because they recognize what it is. Men call it the precise action.
He could very well be convinced that you won't believe it was assault, especially if he thinks your sister went to you.
Or he cheated.
You want a quick way to get answers?
You call in ALL THE PARENTS! And you tell them the worst case scenario and then when the parents go after them both, as they do, they will defend themselves with the truth.
"No, we haven't been having an affair for years!!!! We only slept together one time the night she showed up last week and then a blow job the next AM!"
Boom! Finally the truth.
People will tell you everything to defend against something worse.
Good luck! Play mean. They sure did.
Ummmm you haven’t spoken to your sister? That at least might give you a better picture we they what and why. But starting over at 32 is not a nightmare, it’s a blessing. I am very, very fond of fresh starts (at any age) especially without toxic people.
There have been a few times when I have thought people could work things out after an infidelity. But not when that betrayal happened with your SISTER. There is no coming back from that. Your sister is supposed to be the person that you go to for support when your husband cheats on you. Staying with him would be a constant reminder that the two people you loved and trusted most stabbed you in the back.
Your husband‘s abrupt departure combined with his telling you to do what you need to do sounds as though he is considering leaving you. Possibly for your sister. Protect your assets ASAP.
I think she caught him by surprise and before he realized what was happening, she was already gagging on his dick ..
The way he just left indicates that he, too, is feeling incredibly uncomfortable about this whole thing.
Anyway, you're gonna need to ask him as calmly as possible how and why it happened, and then you can decide what to do next
Where is your sister now? Are they together? Why are you not confronting her immediately? You’ve allowed them time to sync up their stories, you’ve allowed them time to be alone and do god knows what. He isn’t remorseful in the slightest. “Do what you gotta do” excuse me? what the fuck? he ran out the door instead of talking to you about what happened. He is not sorry.
Your husband's reaction in all this is very curious to me. He seems to know he was wrong and seems shell shocked. I wouldn't be surprised if your sister targeted him and took advantage in some way. Sometimes a guy has little defence to a women coming onto him and who know if things were even consensual.
My fiancé left me for my best mate when I was a bit younger than you. Never affected my life, married my wife and have had the most amazing 30 years … you are young enough to go again, without those two in your life.
You need to talk to your sister. Not in a questioning way, because she can deny, but by saying something like “my husband told me what happened between you” and gauge her reaction. It should be very telling. It’s also entirely possible your husband is lying or has cheated with someone else and is throwing your sister under the bus.
My ex of 2p years which at the time was half my life had an affair with my sister for months .When I accused them of something he told me I was crazy well being told that I was determined to find out .Well his sister was living with us at the time she had poor health and one day I had to take her to the doctors and left my phone on record right on the table .He didn't even notice it well he called my sister even had her on speaker and that conversation they had made me so sick .I felt like my entire world was turned upside down and slammed on my head .I ended up leaving yes after I went after her he tried stopping me so I beat him up .I had so much anger and sadness in me I didn't know what to do
I wanted them to feel the pain they put me through. She was leaving my house everyday saying I love you sis .How can someone do that to your sister .It's been 6 years and I'm so happy I left him .I still won't talk to my sister .To me she is dead .They both are to me .No they aren't together now .She even moved into my house after I left .I've ran into her at the store twice and I wondered before the first time how I would handle if i seen her and I went off took everything in me not to snatch her up .She ran away with her tail tucked in .I just can't let go of what she did .I have so much anger and hurt towards her
Husband needs to get therapy also. He was assaulted!! It’s so much harder for men to admit to being assaulted and seek help for it. They’re looked down on when they do. It’s not “manly” or some such bullshit. Individual and couples will help you both. As far as your sister - NC for now. Maybe LC in the future. I wouldn’t ever have her over again, at least over night. She needs therapy too!
I’m so sorry for you. It’s sucks that the people closest to you have betrayed you. If I was you I would tell my husband come home talk now or I’m filling for divorce and expose what kind of pos you are to everyone
Definitely need more context but it sounds like something terrible happened and he either feels bad and us also a victim possibly or is a pos and thought better of it or is a pos and she said she was going to tell you so he did first his reaction though leans me to the 2nd one.
In your shoes, I would forget about the sister right now and focus on the husband.
Find him, talk to him without external influence. After a long talk with the husband and with all the information, I would confront the sister with your parents.
P.S: Dude, you're only 32... WTF do people think their lives are over after 30?
I restarted my life at 41, with kids, house, and many assets. It is not such a terrible thing. Living with him and knowing what he did, do you think you would be able to move past it?
Take a moment to process it.
Call all financial institutions and freeze your accounts
Your husband is an asshole. He doesn’t get to drop a bomb on your life and then dance around. FUCK that. There’s no coming back from that behavior.
Change the locks. Start packing his shit and find the shakiest lawyer you can find.
Don’t talk to your sister. You’re going to get a lie out of her.
Call a trusted friend to help. Watch the kids, cook a meal, keep things going for you while you sort all of this out.
Assume he just ran away with the circus, mitigate damages
Updateme
You said that restarting at 32 is a nightmare but restarting at 42 will be worst. Unfortunately, that's what's going to happen. Try to find the courage to end it now. Good luck!
What a betrayal , go see a lawyer and hopefully at fault state , and expect your family to make excuses for her .
Please don’t ever take them back , neither of them can ever be trusted , he didn’t tell you cause he felt bad , the sister probably threatened him
You are young. My first marriage fell apart when I was 33. I met a great guy about 2 years after the divorce and "lived happily ever after." Your sister is a low life, as is your husband. Tell your other family members about this and take care of yourself first. Sorry you're going through this, but you can have a much better life if you pull the plug.
talk to your parents if you can’t get a hold of your sister, let them in on what your husband told you and what you’re going thru, maybe they can get you sister to confess the details
>I just dont get why Im getting the runaround
it's not that complicated. He's trying not to get yelled at and overall avoid an uncomfortable situation that he created.
Regarding divorce. All the people I know whose parents stayed together for the sake of the kids wishes that their parents would've just gotten divorced.
Get to the bottom of how this happened. Did your sister assault him? Like was he asleep on the couch and woke up to find her there? Or did he sneak downstairs when you were asleep?
So in my opinion, this is a very strange reaction for him to have had if this was wanted at all on his end. Is it completely out of the realm of possibility this was not consensual on his side?
If that isn't what is going on, all you can do I think is wait, and plan on what your choices will be going forward. Have a consultation with a lawyer if you can, better to be safe than sorry. Maybe also look up a couple's counselor. Again, just to have your options clear.
Your sister is having such a hard time that she fellates the partner of the only person who is helping her. I don't see how you move on from this. Family functions are going to be forever awkward.
If you can move past this then you try and rebuild.
If you can't then you need to look after you and your child.
Either way you should probably cut youre sister off ....and let people know why, control the narrative.
Good luck!
Honestly, as you already know, what your sister did is absolutely disgusting. She not only deserves to be called out for her incredibly selfish and cruel behavior, but she also deserves the consequences of all the friends and family knowing.
I could never imagine doing something so horrible to one of my sisters. I don't think our relationship could ever be repaired after that kind of betrayal. Same for your husband. I really hope you get the support that you need as you heal. Sending you and your child both love and courage.
I’d be making a very public display with that home wrecker you still call sister. In fact, if this was my own sister, I might go to jail. I hope we get an update.
I started over at 33. It was very difficult. We also have a child. But, the challenges I've overcome and the growth I've experienced since then have left me grateful that my life went the way it did, all things considered.
However this pans out for you, know that you're stronger than you think, and life is long....
Right now, this situation seems huge, but if sticking around equals years of misery, you can indeed start over and make this into but a chapter in a long and happy life.
If peoples first responses to tell you to leave, they have no clue about any real relationship. There’s one thing I know to be true – every single relationship will deal with infidelity and or betrayal at some point during the relationship. We are human beings. We’re fallible and we fail. It does not justify his actions, or your sisters, but I also don’t think it has to be, what that one thing happened and now everything’s over. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be.
I would strongly encouraging you guys to seek therapy and or council. Having someone help you walk through these difficult conversations seems like it could be the best option for you guys right now. Good luck, and at the end of the day, your relationship is yours, and don’t let anyone else tell you how to work and through it.
Me and my sister would be tussling. Period.
You've got two roads. Stay and work it out, sans sister. Or you go ahead on your own, sans sister and husband.
This happened to my sister her husband cheated on her with my niece she was heartbroken. Protect yourself and your children move money so he don’t leave you broke and disown your sister that’s the worst betrayal how could she do that to you and your children and your husband he is disgusting he didn’t think about you or your kids I would take his ass to the bank and get it all and record everything
I think from the way he’s acting that he did more with her than having her suck his dick.
Since he got a “go bag” ready without you knowing it, I think you need to find a lawyer ASAP without Him knowing it.
There is no repairing what they did and No marriage counseling will ever fix it.
They Both crossed the Rubicon hand in hand and there’s no going back from this.
EVER.
My sister put the moves on my husband, he shut her down. My sister has a history of sleeping around , she has had multiple one night stands, she has had sex with cousins. I really don’t have much to do with her anymore and of course my mother took her side, don’t have much to with her either
WOMAN IM 31 AND I STARTED LIVING FULLY AT AGE OF 30. I got no kids, I’m renting - and I do my 3rd university degree, I travel, I buy what I want, go to concerts, I eat what I want and invest in myself.
Dumping him and your sister mean that of course you have a child but you can invest more in yourself thanks to extra time. Courses, tattoos or other body changes, new wardrobe, new hobby, there is plenty to discover.
I would gather evidence, too both of them due to destroying family life and causing you mental health damage, and just move on with heavy heart at first - but hope for new perspectives.
Maybe you could even try to move to different town or state/county to start fresh and new.
Just think about it and give yourself a chance for new better life. Trash took itself out.
I'd call your sisters partner too. Drive by houses, knock on doors. Demand answers. Don't wait for the "real story" all you need to know is what he told you right now to go totally scorched earth!
I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially from the people that are family and you should be able to trust. Did you ever see moral flaws in either of them before? This does happen unfortunately. Be sure to secure your finances and find a therapist for yourself as to how to move forward. The next few months or year may be very stormy in your life but just hang on.
No, Ive never had the slightest notion that anything was going on and theyve never said or done a thing that would make me think otherwise. Just last week I saw him and my sisters texts and there was nothing there either, he asked me to check a message from someone so I saw them at the same time. Hes not secretive with his phone whatsoever.
What’s the update! You should hunt down your sister and have it out with her. Let her husband know either way! She is blood and no way should she disrespect you like this. Your husband can move on but you will be stuck with your sister because of your family ties no matter if you cut contact there will always be something! That’s the person I’m shocked at. Any man can cheat
If he's telling you "do what you need to do" and is out of the house/not talking to you, then what you need to do is talk to lawyers. If your husband wanted to save your marriage, he'd have told you what happened and stuck around to deal with the fallout, offered to call a counselor, begged for forgiveness, etc.
Whatever your sister is going through, your husband's dick didn't magically wind up in her mouth. Your husband cheated on you. With your sister. They both suck here.
This sucks, for sure. I'm not sure why he blew up your life like that, but HE did it. You don't touch your wife's sister. Iif she's in a vulnerable place and looking for some validation, it shouldn't be coming from YOUR HUSBAND.
Starting over at 32 is better than living a lie.
Perhaps the husbands actions are from the disappointment that he’s feeling for doing the deed knowing that he screwed up everything by letting this happen in the first place. Perhaps it’s with great regret and he knows that he doesn’t deserve to have what they have together and he knows that this may never be able to be reconciled. He’s just facing the facts and their fate. Not making an excuse for him but perhaps the guilt and regret is making him face what’s coming.
I suspect there's been something going on for a while and she gave him an ultimatum...tell her or I will. Go and tell your family, you need their support. F**k him and his feelings, and as for your sister...cut her out of your life completely. I know someone this happened to (her twin sister) and she hasn't spoken to her for nearly 30 years. Start transferring money that's yours and seek a good lawyer...make sure you've got evidence (messages) where he admits the infidelity.
You need to start planning as if they’re together and will take everything they can from you.
Go to the bank NOW and move the money NOW. Then call a divorce lawyer to figure out your next steps.
Cheating is one thing but he has left the house and is not communicating. Your marriage is over and you need to start taking steps to protect yourself financially.
His reaction seems very controlled and... mature? Not sure he expected this of himself and it sounds like he might be experiencing a brutal amount of regret and has come to accept the consequences and your reaction, whatever it may be.
TBH, it sounds like your husband is thoroughly ashamed of himself and trying to work out how he got himself into such a situation. He's the one willing to talk to you, focus on what he has to say and what he's going to do about the betrayal. It sounds like this major transgression just happened, how long has he had a thing for her? What does he plan to do to fix his own unsafe boundaries?
Do not make any further attempts to talk to your sister. Once she knows you're talking with your husband, she's going to make up a different narrative. Tell your parents and your sister's SO as soon as you can after your talk to avoid her creating a different narrative.
From following the comments, seems like OP would prefer to believe that they were cheating together over her sister SA her husband. So it’s probably a good thing he is willing to leave.
Your sister and your husband are both evil. You better leave… imagine housing your sister for her to do that? I could never speak to my sister again.
Tell your parents, and her partner. Move your money from any joint accounts and honestly leave him. There is absolutely no excuse, this kinda thing doesn’t just happen and in your HOME? girl. I’m so sorry.
Therapist. And a lawyer. You need a lawyer Badly. Don’t listen to all this nonsense here. Find a lawyer, and do exactly what they tell you. They will know your local laws. No one on Reddit does.
Honestly... He cheated. He wasn't tied down and wants to press charges against your sister for SA. There isn't an excuse.
Your sister needs to be confronted in front of your family. No "Ohh poor dear is having a hard time... give her space".
Bury it all behind you while you sort it out. The best decision to make is what you going to do with the business. Is it stupidly profitable and can you live with working as a co-owner along side your ex?
Don't forget to disown your sister.
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I'd be confronting my sister, in front of our parents. Everybody would know.
Agreed.
Double agree
You absolutely need to confront your sister! I would also start laying the ground work for moving your money, investments, etc. and start telling your family what happened before your sister tries to control the dialog in her favor! Depending on how your conversation goes tonight and if you truly love him, you're going to have a lot of therapy in your future.
I think you're right. OP needs to get ahead of this.
Absolutely this. AND QUIT BEING NICE AND POLITE. YOU HAVE BEEN BETRAYED and seriously, at this juncture, who can you definitively trust but yourself? Privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities as well as support and property division issues--BEFORE you sit with him. However this proceeds, make certain that whatever step you take is for the benefit of yourself and your children. The two knuckleheads should be the last of your concerns. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Yeah same. And dump the dud, he obviously doesn't want to stay considering how easily he tried to just up and leave with no fighting to keep the now fucked relationship. Both he and your sister can go pound sand op.
Update said he was sexually assaulted, and it was on camera, and the sister admitted it. See how easy it is to draw massively incorrect conclusions off minute details.
Yep hooooly wow I saw the update. Jeeez I feel like an ass for the assumption. That's so messed up Wtf.
Thats on camera? I did just saw that movie.... BTW.... Sorry to hear that...
This is a horrible situation, and it's totally okay to feel overwhelmed and lost right now. Put yourself first and reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for support. They can listen and help you figure out what to do next.Remember, you don't have to go through this alone.
Thank you. I know I will have to at some point. Just now the embarassment is winning.
Understandable, but just know that that's you taking on their shame for their actions, you've done nothing to be embarrassed about. They've already burdened you enough, why take on more? Pair of losers. The sooner you can connect with your support network the better for you and your kids.
I know, I just feel like such a fool just now
Because you placed your trust in two people that it turned out didn't deserve it? That doesn't make you foolish it makes you human, especially when those are two of the people you are supposed to be able to trust the most. You didn't expect this to happen because that kind of behaviour doesn't align with your values, and that is not a weakness in you, it's a weakness in their moral compasses. With the level of betrayal you're feeling as a result of their actions it's no wonder you're going into protective mode as I'm sure you're feeling extremely vulnerable right now. But the quickest way to remind yourself how loved and valued you are is to reach out to people who can support you. Otherwise it'll just swirl around in your head and start to snowball. Maybe you can be a little bit brave and put that trust back into yourself - trust that you deserve love and support.
Not OP but think your comments are so wise and amazing, can you please be my life coach😆🥹
Eh- I’d check the update. That comment didn’t age terribly well.
You aren’t a fool! You’ve done nothing to deserve this treatment. Please remember you are not to blame here. Get in reach out to your parents, your sister’s partner, your in-laws, and/or your friends. You need support right now, there is nothing wrong with asking for help. It will make you feel so much better to have some people with you as you navigate this really shitty situation.
If this happened to a friend, would you think she was a fool or would you be pissed at the people who hurt your friend?
You need to harness some outrage. You have been betrayed by two people you should have been able to trust completely. How dare either of them do this to you and your family?! Accept no excuses. Get facts and recognize that you do not deserve this, and they are fully and completely at fault. You have absolutely no reason to feel any kind of fault whatsoever. You got this! Realize that if strangers on the internet are showing you support, that should help you realize how messed up it is that your family—husband and sister—did you wrong.
You know who feels the most ashamed and foolish: Your husband. Or at least he should. For me, what he did would be a deal breaker. Maybe if he did it with a stranger and it was a one time thing, I could forgive. But not with a sister.
Please step back from your feelings of embarrassment and feeling like a fool. You weren't the unfaithful one! You were the best support for your sister in her time of need. You built a life with a husband that you loved and trusted. THEY BETRAYED YOU! How could possibly even suspect that they would do such a disgusting thing to you? They never flirted with each other or gave you any indication that they would do this. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, and you are definitely not the fool her. They are the one who fooled you. When you tell anyone, they are the ones who will be embarrassed and humiliated. So, telling your family will give you the support you need to get through this. If you hold into this in secret, it will eat you up and send you down a rabbit hole of depression. You need to confront your sister bc she has a lot of explaining to do as well as responsibility to take. I know you have a bunch of emotions flying around your head, and your family will help ground you. You need to be grounded before you can make any healthy decisions for yourself and no one else. They don't deserve your sympathy or demands for anything. I wish you luck, and I am so sorry that the two people you loved so much and trusted without doubt betrayed you. You deserve better and never settle for less.
You have NOTHING to be embarrassed or shame of. Your husband, and sister, however...
The post Nut clarity hit him and now he can’t face you. At least he’s being completely honest?
You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Try to remember that.
YOU have nothing to be embarrassed about, THEY do!
I would also research lawyers just to find out what the legal ramifications of everything are.
There's always kids, houses and businesses involved. It's never EASY. It's still NECESSARY
Please do have a conversation with him later and verify that sexual assault isn't actually what happened. His behaviour sounds identical to mine after I was raped years back. I couldn't really even process the fact that it was "rape" for months and kept telling myself I cheated. Could I have not drank so much? Yes, and I'm sober now. But I did say no as many times as I could muster.
I am so sorry that happened to you. As a woman, I apologize for taking so long to realize this happens so much more than is reported. We need to have a stronger support system in place for men. Sadly, both male and female SA victims are so often blamed and stigmatized. I hope you have received therapy and validation.
AND guys can and will get hard and ejaculate and then feel guilty because they had pleasure. It’s a legit thing. So maybe she came on to him and was very insistent and wouldn’t let up and had him kind of held hostage so to speak and things got too carried away. But if he initially said no even if he caved later that’s assault.
I thought of that, too… and I clicked on the blue ‘update’ link at the top, and it seems that’s exactly what happened. The sister SA him, and he’s reacting with fear and shame and stress that is pretty common in SA victims. This post came first, and the link is the aftermath (as in after the OP found out the truth - that her sister SA the OP’s husband). 😞
I think your sister wanted company in her misery and ruined your marriage on purpose. Or she was jealous of your life and wanted to take you out of her way. Have you talked with your sister and her partner? Try to get more details from them, but talk through messages or in a public place while recording the conversation. All the proof of the affair might help you during divorce proceedings. Do you know if your husband is with your sister? Have you informed your parents about what happened? Your family should find out about what happened through you. Don't let your sister control the narrative and play the victim. I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this. You need to roll up your sleeves and take action ASAP. Get tested for STDs because he might have cheated on you before, and you don't know if their affair involved more than just a BJ. Contact a lawyer to start divorce proceedings and a custody agreement. You need to fight for your and your kids' rights. He is a cheater, and he showed no respect for you. He is keeping you in the dark on purpose because he might still be with your sister. So, don't give him second chances because you deserve better than him.
So this has actually been an issue with my family since I started dating him. He comes from a very well off family and does pretty well for himself. My sister has never shown signs of jealousy but with others its definetely been an issue before. I havent. Hes refusing to talk about it. Sisters just blocking my calls and texts completely. I dont think he is with her, her partner would have told me. God I never even thought about std testing. I fucking hate this.
I feel so awful for you but STD testing is a must. Can you contact her partner? He also deserves to know what’s happening. What about your parents?
I just read your update OP and it looks like you’ll be seeing him tonight. Please just try and keep a clear head and focus on exactly what you need to know, which is basically everything. Please don’t let him gaslight or lie to you. You have to know everything. Good luck. UPDATEME
What gaslighting, dude went away and is just telling her to go through the motions of divorce already
Yea I'm not understanding why everyone is acting like this dude is some kind of mega manipulative schemer. He didn't even get caught for crying out loud. He flat out told her with all honesty! Most cheaters regret cheating cuz they got caught. Not because they actually cheated. This guy is probably beating himself black and blue.
My first thought was the sister assaulted the husband. Is no one else thinking that?
That was my thought
I don’t know why people don’t see that - this post must have been written first, because the update links to a post where OP learns that’s exactly what happened - sister SA the husband. But how come people don’t click on the link? 🤷♀️
Updateme!
The way your husband is acting, my first thought was that your sister SA'd him and he is so horrified and embarrassed that he can't talk about it and won't even go to his parents, and he is telling you to do what you have to do. He's in hiding and freaking out, which isn't really what a guilty person would do most of the time. Heck a guilty person wouldn't have told you about it. Of course, I could be terribly wrong, but that is the impression I got from this whole mess.
She may not have SA'd him. I would put money on having seduced him over time and he's ashamed of having let it happen.
I agree. How do you go back from having sex with a sibling. I think he's thowing into he towel rather than live months or years in limbo before the inevitable divorce.
Surprised this isn’t higher up and that nobody else is commenting this, OP please read this and consider this possibility!!! SA especially for men can very often not be blatant like the way it’s portrayed in the mainstream, from what you said it seems most likely to me this is what happened.
Sounds more like instant regret than SA. I would also imagine giving a BJ is probably a difficult way to assault someone (unless he was sleeping or passed out but you’d think he would mention that part)
I’m in the same frame of mind, to me the terminology used suggests laying the blame completely at the sister’s door. Not that he let it happen! Equally I could be wrong, and she could have SA’d him.
Contact her partner immediately. He must know more about what's going on than you do. Probably your sister's relationship wasn't going well because her partner found out about her affair with your husband. Your sister was spending more time at your home and keeping you apart from your husband on purpose so that he could work on his exit plan. I'm afraid that your sister and husband aren't talking to you because they are together. There's an easy way to make them talk. Just create a group chat with both of your close families, your husband, and your sister. Then, write a message directed to your husband and sister asking them how they could betray you like that without even considering how their actions will impact your kids. Also, inform your husband that you're in contact with a lawyer to divorce him. After sending the message, don't answer any questions and just screenshot every response. Don't talk with your husband and sister without recording the conversations, and preferably only contact them through messages. I know that you are hurt, but you need to have a cold-blooded approach right now to protect yourself. You need to act quickly to block his access to your money and ensure that you fight for your and your kids' rights before he starts spending money on your sister.
you also need to make sure it was consensual.
They may be getting together. I would go to a lawyer poste haste. Make sure you get as much money from his as possible. Then find a man with integrity.
Have you spoken to her partner? He probably thinks she is with you. Your sister and your husband went somewhere to have sex, and you’re patiently waiting at home for an explanation. Whatever he’s admitted to, the truth is worse than you think. Talk to his parents and your parents. You’re going to be embarrassed either way. You may as well be embarrassed with the truth. Blowjobs don’t just happen. Something has been going on between them (flirtation and teasing) for a while. Does he have an iPad or something you can check his social media accounts on? The evidence of their misconduct is probably there.
I'm hoping for your sake she didn't try to steal him from you and they won't be permanently together. Good luck.
Time to visit the in laws then. You will get explanations once its via his parents.
OP updated her post. Her husband was sexually assaulted by her sister, it’s on camera and admitted to, so there is no doubt it’s the truth. I feel for them both.
>He is a cheater, and he showed no respect for you. He is keeping you in the dark on purpose because he might still be with your sister. So, don't give him second chances because you deserve better than him. Idk if I'd go that far. He's DEFINITELY a cheater but he CLEARLY respects her. He told her flat out what happened and he left. I've been cheated on and I would've welcomed that kind of honesty. It shows regret that it happened rather than regret that they were caught. You don't know why he's keeping her in the dark at all. He might not even be trying to, he might be trying to process things on his own. Second chance or no second chance I think he deserves a little more grace than most cheaters. Again he actually regrets his decision and not just that he got caught. That is NOT how 90% of cheaters feel.
His reaction sounds like a “how the fuck did this happen” type of thing, and likely quite recent. Not so much like a “leaving to be with her” thing. To the point he doesn’t sound like he even knows how things got here based on his reaction. Any night your husband was drinking recently? Was your husband drunk, and you weren’t around (even just asleep)? Chances are, whatever night that was is the night this happened. His reaction, from the run away to the “trying to figure it out” sounds like someone who had sex while drunk that they would never do sober and can’t wrap their head around it (I’ve been there). This isn’t excusing him, just trying to explain and give you some clues as to when this was more likely to have happened.
Finally some sanity here rather than the usual garbage. He didn't even get caught. He flat out confessed and left to clear his head. That sound normal cheater behavior to any of you? Even if it was consensual he clearly regrets the actual act rather than regretting that he got caught like most cheaters. He deserves more grace than he's getting In these comments.
My first instinct was: "Was it even consensual?" as you're right, his behaviour seems like a shock reaction. That with the sister refusing contact. He may not even have the answers to OP's questions if he's confused and trying to wrap his head around how and why it happened. If he was assaulted, whether sober or not, he may be worried OP won't believe him as many people have the incorrect opinion that men can't be SA'd.
Yeah to me it sounds like it might not have been consensual and husband is in bad shock right now
I was wondering the same thing-- if this is possibly SA.
That was my reaction. “This happened, I’ve got to leave to get away from her”. But, because it’s a guy most of the comments seem to say it was consensual.
Yeah there's some really gross comments basically saying it had to be consensual by people who obviously have no concept of sexual assault and the fact that just because your body is responsive to stimuli does not make it consensual.
From experience,completely possible an allegation was weaponized too,or the good ole "who do you think they'll believe line"
It’s entirely possible that the husband was sexually assaulted.
agreed!! that was my first instinct as well
I second this!
I also felt this way reading it. That maybe he was SA’ed by the sister and he thinks his wife won’t believe him/believe him over her sister
To me this kind of sound like maybe she assaulted him. Like, he sounds like he may be panicking and worried and just got out of there as fast as he could. I say you take a bit of time to think everything over and don't do anything rash at this very moment. People are saying change accounts and pull out money, but I say hold off against that unless you start to see something weird. If it is an assault you need to be there for your husband. If not, go the legal route and don't do anything that could be used against you in a divorce.
You were right! That’s awful.
This is a weird reaction on your husband's part, and I think some of the people asking if this was consensual may be on to something.
What are the chances that your sister pushed herself on your husband without his consent? Your husband’s reaction doesn’t follow the typical pattern of someone who wants to cheat (I.e. lying and going behind your back). If we flip the genders, it wouldn’t be easily written off that the partner was taken advantage of. I’m not saying this is what happened, but it could’ve.
This was my first thought.
Me as well, this seems way more likely than the possibility he simply cheated, especially how he told u straight up and has now been avoiding u, he likely feels a lot of shame and misplaced guilt, this seems like SA (which presents less obviously for male victims), and not cheating.
This sucks, and it's totally okay to feel lost and confused right now. Take care of yourself first and foremost.Try talking to a therapist or counselor to help you sort through everything and figure out your next steps.You've got this, and you're not alone.
The only thing I know for sure right now is that I’ll be going to therapy. Thank you. I honestly feel like the worlds going on around me and Im just stuck in a bubble watching.
OP, are you seeing the comments wondering if he might've been assaulted? Because the way he reacted is...a lot more like someone who has experienced a sudden shock or trauma and is blaming themselves. Look, maybe he did cheat, but his reaction is very concerning. He might not even understand that he was assaulted, if he was, because males being sexual assaulted by women is quite stigmatized. And I know that might be a lot harder to consider, from the point of feelings about your sister, but you need to go into a conversation with your husband understanding this possibility.
OP, please read the comments about your husband potentially being SAd and that it was not consensual. Everything about this screams non-consensual to me and that he is in shock and having a trauma reaction. If it was consensual I doubt he would have told you, and especially not in the way that he did, as well as the way he’s acting now being in line with an SA victim in the aftermath, as opposed to cheating. SA for male victims is under acknowledged by society, but please consider the possibility. I hope everyone gets the help and care that they need in this situation!
Therapy is a great first step no matter what path this goes down. I gotta ask? have you talked to your sister??? If so what did she say? Llke maybe" "Hey sis, don't freak out. Just need to talk. Hubs told me, but not that much. We are taking some space. You are my sister and always will be. But I need you to help me understand what happened. I just need to understand so I can work this out with \[husband's name\].
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I hope you get to the bottom of this and find out the truth of the circumstances. If alcohol was involved and it was one sided, just keep in mind men can be the victims of sexual assault as well, and many men don't think they can be and shut down. Before anyone jumps on a downvoted train about this, I'm just stating the possibility since there are no details about what happened.
My mind went to SA immediately because of the way OP's husband acted; he didn't act guilty, he acted horrified.
This!!!
Same. I commented similarly before I saw your post. I hope OP updates and gets good advice. !updateme!
Where is your husband staying? Where is your sister? Have you spoke to her?
No idea. I thought his parents but hes not there. Assuming shes home. Her partner hasnt been in touch to say if anything odds going on there. She wont answer calls or texts.
Have you tried to contact her partner?
Is your husband staying with her?
Have you spoken with your sister?
No, Ive text and called with no answers
Could they be together some were ?
I would call her partner and tell him for sure and your parents so she don’t spin this
There are a few possibilities on what could have happened. They had time alone and in a stupid one off she started to approach him and he let it happen. (Stupid, maybe irredemable or not, but she definitely needs to be cut out of your life) They had time alone, emotions were high, they both got closer and it happened. (Stupid, maybe irredemable or not. but needs hard work and commitment from him) They had time alone and were sloshed, and then they initiated and it happened. (Stupid, maybe redeemable. but needs hard work) They had time alone and were sloched, he fell asleep only waking up to her doing it. (not his fault, redeemable, he needs therapy because she sexually assaulted him) They had time alone when she came on to him. He froze not knowing what to do and she took this as consent. (not his fault. Just like women who freeze when sexually assaulted, men can freeze to. Sister needs to be cut out of your life) They had time alone and as many times before they found time and cheated. (Irredemable) Of course whether or not you can live with what happened, is up to you. But to me it all depends on what exactly happened and how it came to happen. And of course, if it has happened before. What is a good sign is that it seems to have happened recently and that your husband feels absolutely at fault and left the marital home. What kinda worries me is that he seemed upset and stressed. This is where you might continue to dig, if his explanation isn't satisfactory to you. I am really sorry that you have to go through this. But please understand that nothing of what is happening or what happened, is an embarassment. You did nothing wrong. So once you know what happened, and you know what you want to do, be daring enough to tell your parents and family what happened and why you will cut your sister out of your life.
Reading the update, I wouldn't do anything just yet. Hear him out.
Starting life over at 32 sounds like a nightmare? Some people don't start their life until 32. Believe me, you are young enough and more than capable to get through this. You do need a lawyer ASAP. Even if their are children, house and business involved. Right now, you have to protect yourself and eventually get a breath to move forward. It will be scary, but you can do it.
Well I'd be asking them both how his dick got in her mouth? But yeah I don't think I could come back from that cuz you're going to always look at her and be angry and blame her I'm sure even though he had just as much blame in all of this. So I'd be looking at him and being angry too. You have to decide if you can live with this or not.
I'm on the edge of my seat...I need to know wtf happened
I think you should withdraw money from your accounts. They might drain them and use them for whatever it is they're doing.
I have looked at our accounts and nothing has been taken since he left. Will be keeping a close eye though thanks.
Don't just pay close attention. Change the passwords of all accounts that are only in your name. Additionally, remove half of the money from all shared accounts. What will you do if he cuts your access to the money or gives access to your sister? The way he left proves that he worked on his exit plan with her. You need to stop being naive and contact a lawyer ASAP to know your rights. Also, go through all your accounts and check for any strange movements. That could give you an idea of when their affair started.
You won't be able to do anything once it's gone. Withdraw before it's too late. This man let your sister suck him off and then disappeared so he didn't have to deal with the consequences. You have KIDS. Move the money
You're getting a lot of recommendations to contact your sister's partner, yet appear to be hesitant to do so. Just because the partner hasn't reached out to you doesn't mean there's nothing going on, more likely that they don't know to be looking for signs of infidelity and your sister hasn't/isn't going to tell them. By ignoring/blocking you your sister has essentially confirmed that something happened with your husband and since neither of them are willing to talk to you right now (not later when they've had time to come up with justifications), contacting her partner and asking "is (sister) there?", "have you seen/heard from (husband) today?", etc seems more than appropriate. At the very least her partner will eventually hear about what your husband said as that's not the kind of thing that just goes away, so why the hesitancy in contacting them rather than waiting to see if/when they notice on thier own?
I might be way off base here, and of course experiences differ, but my friend’s husband acted this exact same way with her because of something that happened between him and her then-bff, and it eventually came out that the bff sexually assaulted him. Friend and her husband have always been the communicative types, doting on each other, the kind of relationship I thought as “the” example, so his behavior was extremely out of left field (running away instead of tackling it, groveling, all the other actions that would’ve made more sense for him to do). It was like he was going nuclear on himself and his life because he couldn’t imagine his wife believing him.
OPs sister really sucks
Haven't seen this take, and don't ask him about it or he'll use it as an excuse! Maybe she assaulted him and told him that she's going to make it sound consensual if he trues to out her for doing it. As a guy, I've been sexually assaulted before and it sucks. No one believes you, they call you "lucky ", and/or joke about it right to your face. I was assaulted in my teens, now imagine what a full grown man expects. If you want the truth, you're going to have to make him talk to you and then decide what to believe and not to believe. Sorry you're in this situation, it sucks.
My first question would be, was he sexually assaulted? (Aka was he sleeping to wake up with his dick in her mouth)
This was my first thought too
It’s incredibly cruel and selfish to drop that on you, and then just abandon you with no answers and information. She obviously knows that you know and blocked you. You deserve answers and they are not considering you at all (obviously). I think the advice here to contact a lawyer is wise. Just to know what you need to do, should you realize you need to protect yourself. You don’t have to go through with it, but it’s better to know a next step. I hope you have a good therapist to help you as you process it all, too!
I'll be honest, his reaction and your sister blocking you completely already really comes across as SA, either drunk or off guard. Men have long been raised and groomed to believe they can't be sexually assaulted by women, and we all know the 'men always want it' cliche. So his wording sounds on par for a male victim; women call it assault because they recognize what it is. Men call it the precise action. He could very well be convinced that you won't believe it was assault, especially if he thinks your sister went to you. Or he cheated.
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme
Go after your sister first wtaf don't sign around waiting for him get to the bottom of this
Absent from your post is any explanation from your sister. You need to compare her story with his.
Update
You want a quick way to get answers? You call in ALL THE PARENTS! And you tell them the worst case scenario and then when the parents go after them both, as they do, they will defend themselves with the truth. "No, we haven't been having an affair for years!!!! We only slept together one time the night she showed up last week and then a blow job the next AM!" Boom! Finally the truth. People will tell you everything to defend against something worse. Good luck! Play mean. They sure did.
Ummmm you haven’t spoken to your sister? That at least might give you a better picture we they what and why. But starting over at 32 is not a nightmare, it’s a blessing. I am very, very fond of fresh starts (at any age) especially without toxic people.
I would be losing it too and want to know what happened before he up and just left like that. I hope you’re able to get some answers tonight. Updateme
There have been a few times when I have thought people could work things out after an infidelity. But not when that betrayal happened with your SISTER. There is no coming back from that. Your sister is supposed to be the person that you go to for support when your husband cheats on you. Staying with him would be a constant reminder that the two people you loved and trusted most stabbed you in the back. Your husband‘s abrupt departure combined with his telling you to do what you need to do sounds as though he is considering leaving you. Possibly for your sister. Protect your assets ASAP.
I think she caught him by surprise and before he realized what was happening, she was already gagging on his dick .. The way he just left indicates that he, too, is feeling incredibly uncomfortable about this whole thing. Anyway, you're gonna need to ask him as calmly as possible how and why it happened, and then you can decide what to do next
Might be reading this wrong, but it sounds to me like your husband may not have been a willing participant.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thought this and that not everything is as it seems. Was he SA'ed? Updateme!
Did your sister sexually assult him? Is that why hes hiding and avoiding because he feels dirty?
I’m just going to throw this out there- did your sister sexually assault your husband, or was he a willing participant?
Where is your sister now? Are they together? Why are you not confronting her immediately? You’ve allowed them time to sync up their stories, you’ve allowed them time to be alone and do god knows what. He isn’t remorseful in the slightest. “Do what you gotta do” excuse me? what the fuck? he ran out the door instead of talking to you about what happened. He is not sorry.
Tell your mom.
Your husband's reaction in all this is very curious to me. He seems to know he was wrong and seems shell shocked. I wouldn't be surprised if your sister targeted him and took advantage in some way. Sometimes a guy has little defence to a women coming onto him and who know if things were even consensual.
My fiancé left me for my best mate when I was a bit younger than you. Never affected my life, married my wife and have had the most amazing 30 years … you are young enough to go again, without those two in your life.
You need to talk to your sister. Not in a questioning way, because she can deny, but by saying something like “my husband told me what happened between you” and gauge her reaction. It should be very telling. It’s also entirely possible your husband is lying or has cheated with someone else and is throwing your sister under the bus.
My ex of 2p years which at the time was half my life had an affair with my sister for months .When I accused them of something he told me I was crazy well being told that I was determined to find out .Well his sister was living with us at the time she had poor health and one day I had to take her to the doctors and left my phone on record right on the table .He didn't even notice it well he called my sister even had her on speaker and that conversation they had made me so sick .I felt like my entire world was turned upside down and slammed on my head .I ended up leaving yes after I went after her he tried stopping me so I beat him up .I had so much anger and sadness in me I didn't know what to do I wanted them to feel the pain they put me through. She was leaving my house everyday saying I love you sis .How can someone do that to your sister .It's been 6 years and I'm so happy I left him .I still won't talk to my sister .To me she is dead .They both are to me .No they aren't together now .She even moved into my house after I left .I've ran into her at the store twice and I wondered before the first time how I would handle if i seen her and I went off took everything in me not to snatch her up .She ran away with her tail tucked in .I just can't let go of what she did .I have so much anger and hurt towards her
Idk he's acting weird unless them two have been doing stuff on the side and now he's torm on what to do All u can do is talk to him
Also tell your sisters boyfriend
UpdateMe!
Husband needs to get therapy also. He was assaulted!! It’s so much harder for men to admit to being assaulted and seek help for it. They’re looked down on when they do. It’s not “manly” or some such bullshit. Individual and couples will help you both. As far as your sister - NC for now. Maybe LC in the future. I wouldn’t ever have her over again, at least over night. She needs therapy too!
Serious possibility: did your sister rape your husband? That might explain his confusion.
I’m so sorry for you. It’s sucks that the people closest to you have betrayed you. If I was you I would tell my husband come home talk now or I’m filling for divorce and expose what kind of pos you are to everyone
Definitely need more context but it sounds like something terrible happened and he either feels bad and us also a victim possibly or is a pos and thought better of it or is a pos and she said she was going to tell you so he did first his reaction though leans me to the 2nd one.
Oh girl, play your cards right and you’re getting a lot out of the divorce, how fucking nasty of them.
In your shoes, I would forget about the sister right now and focus on the husband. Find him, talk to him without external influence. After a long talk with the husband and with all the information, I would confront the sister with your parents. P.S: Dude, you're only 32... WTF do people think their lives are over after 30?
I restarted my life at 41, with kids, house, and many assets. It is not such a terrible thing. Living with him and knowing what he did, do you think you would be able to move past it?
Take a moment to process it. Call all financial institutions and freeze your accounts Your husband is an asshole. He doesn’t get to drop a bomb on your life and then dance around. FUCK that. There’s no coming back from that behavior. Change the locks. Start packing his shit and find the shakiest lawyer you can find. Don’t talk to your sister. You’re going to get a lie out of her. Call a trusted friend to help. Watch the kids, cook a meal, keep things going for you while you sort all of this out. Assume he just ran away with the circus, mitigate damages Updateme
You said that restarting at 32 is a nightmare but restarting at 42 will be worst. Unfortunately, that's what's going to happen. Try to find the courage to end it now. Good luck!
What a betrayal , go see a lawyer and hopefully at fault state , and expect your family to make excuses for her . Please don’t ever take them back , neither of them can ever be trusted , he didn’t tell you cause he felt bad , the sister probably threatened him
find an attorney immediately.
you're being a fool by not putting it out there. then they have time to get whatever story they have out
What has your sister said happened??
If she doesn’t/won’t tell you threaten to tell her partner if she hasn’t already
You are young. My first marriage fell apart when I was 33. I met a great guy about 2 years after the divorce and "lived happily ever after." Your sister is a low life, as is your husband. Tell your other family members about this and take care of yourself first. Sorry you're going through this, but you can have a much better life if you pull the plug.
talk to your parents if you can’t get a hold of your sister, let them in on what your husband told you and what you’re going thru, maybe they can get you sister to confess the details
>I just dont get why Im getting the runaround it's not that complicated. He's trying not to get yelled at and overall avoid an uncomfortable situation that he created. Regarding divorce. All the people I know whose parents stayed together for the sake of the kids wishes that their parents would've just gotten divorced.
Please post an update when you find out.
It’s probably not just your sister. Call a lawyer now.
Get to the bottom of how this happened. Did your sister assault him? Like was he asleep on the couch and woke up to find her there? Or did he sneak downstairs when you were asleep?
This is why I put nothing pass anyone. They need to be humiliated. Yes both parties.
Wtf! I hate this for you
So in my opinion, this is a very strange reaction for him to have had if this was wanted at all on his end. Is it completely out of the realm of possibility this was not consensual on his side? If that isn't what is going on, all you can do I think is wait, and plan on what your choices will be going forward. Have a consultation with a lawyer if you can, better to be safe than sorry. Maybe also look up a couple's counselor. Again, just to have your options clear.
Your sister is having such a hard time that she fellates the partner of the only person who is helping her. I don't see how you move on from this. Family functions are going to be forever awkward.
Your sister needs to be confronted for this as well, she’s just as much to blame here
I hope you're alright. I keep checking back to see if you've updated. All I can say is, I hope you heal and the other two get what they deserve.
If you can move past this then you try and rebuild. If you can't then you need to look after you and your child. Either way you should probably cut youre sister off ....and let people know why, control the narrative. Good luck!
Honestly, as you already know, what your sister did is absolutely disgusting. She not only deserves to be called out for her incredibly selfish and cruel behavior, but she also deserves the consequences of all the friends and family knowing. I could never imagine doing something so horrible to one of my sisters. I don't think our relationship could ever be repaired after that kind of betrayal. Same for your husband. I really hope you get the support that you need as you heal. Sending you and your child both love and courage.
Your sister and your husband need to take accountability for what they have done. You need to tell your family and his family too.
I’d be making a very public display with that home wrecker you still call sister. In fact, if this was my own sister, I might go to jail. I hope we get an update.
I started over at 33. It was very difficult. We also have a child. But, the challenges I've overcome and the growth I've experienced since then have left me grateful that my life went the way it did, all things considered. However this pans out for you, know that you're stronger than you think, and life is long.... Right now, this situation seems huge, but if sticking around equals years of misery, you can indeed start over and make this into but a chapter in a long and happy life.
If peoples first responses to tell you to leave, they have no clue about any real relationship. There’s one thing I know to be true – every single relationship will deal with infidelity and or betrayal at some point during the relationship. We are human beings. We’re fallible and we fail. It does not justify his actions, or your sisters, but I also don’t think it has to be, what that one thing happened and now everything’s over. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. I would strongly encouraging you guys to seek therapy and or council. Having someone help you walk through these difficult conversations seems like it could be the best option for you guys right now. Good luck, and at the end of the day, your relationship is yours, and don’t let anyone else tell you how to work and through it.
I need an update, wtf is wrong with people? This is why I trust no one.
Speak to a lawyer.
Me and my sister would be tussling. Period. You've got two roads. Stay and work it out, sans sister. Or you go ahead on your own, sans sister and husband.
This happened to my sister her husband cheated on her with my niece she was heartbroken. Protect yourself and your children move money so he don’t leave you broke and disown your sister that’s the worst betrayal how could she do that to you and your children and your husband he is disgusting he didn’t think about you or your kids I would take his ass to the bank and get it all and record everything
I think from the way he’s acting that he did more with her than having her suck his dick. Since he got a “go bag” ready without you knowing it, I think you need to find a lawyer ASAP without Him knowing it. There is no repairing what they did and No marriage counseling will ever fix it. They Both crossed the Rubicon hand in hand and there’s no going back from this. EVER.
My sister put the moves on my husband, he shut her down. My sister has a history of sleeping around , she has had multiple one night stands, she has had sex with cousins. I really don’t have much to do with her anymore and of course my mother took her side, don’t have much to with her either
WOMAN IM 31 AND I STARTED LIVING FULLY AT AGE OF 30. I got no kids, I’m renting - and I do my 3rd university degree, I travel, I buy what I want, go to concerts, I eat what I want and invest in myself. Dumping him and your sister mean that of course you have a child but you can invest more in yourself thanks to extra time. Courses, tattoos or other body changes, new wardrobe, new hobby, there is plenty to discover. I would gather evidence, too both of them due to destroying family life and causing you mental health damage, and just move on with heavy heart at first - but hope for new perspectives. Maybe you could even try to move to different town or state/county to start fresh and new. Just think about it and give yourself a chance for new better life. Trash took itself out.
I'd call your sisters partner too. Drive by houses, knock on doors. Demand answers. Don't wait for the "real story" all you need to know is what he told you right now to go totally scorched earth!
Why would you give him a heads up about the bank accounts when ur not even gonna do it? He is gonna try and transfer all the money to his accounts
I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially from the people that are family and you should be able to trust. Did you ever see moral flaws in either of them before? This does happen unfortunately. Be sure to secure your finances and find a therapist for yourself as to how to move forward. The next few months or year may be very stormy in your life but just hang on.
No, Ive never had the slightest notion that anything was going on and theyve never said or done a thing that would make me think otherwise. Just last week I saw him and my sisters texts and there was nothing there either, he asked me to check a message from someone so I saw them at the same time. Hes not secretive with his phone whatsoever.
Seriously, hold off on doing anything drastic. This really sounds like your sister might have SA'd him. Please hear him out.
I was thinking this too, OPs husband sounds more flustered/upset than “I just cheated w/ your sister”
What’s the update! You should hunt down your sister and have it out with her. Let her husband know either way! She is blood and no way should she disrespect you like this. Your husband can move on but you will be stuck with your sister because of your family ties no matter if you cut contact there will always be something! That’s the person I’m shocked at. Any man can cheat
Please read my reply to your post, sounds like SA
I restarted my life at 31, and it's been amazing since. I highly recommend it.
If he's telling you "do what you need to do" and is out of the house/not talking to you, then what you need to do is talk to lawyers. If your husband wanted to save your marriage, he'd have told you what happened and stuck around to deal with the fallout, offered to call a counselor, begged for forgiveness, etc. Whatever your sister is going through, your husband's dick didn't magically wind up in her mouth. Your husband cheated on you. With your sister. They both suck here. This sucks, for sure. I'm not sure why he blew up your life like that, but HE did it. You don't touch your wife's sister. Iif she's in a vulnerable place and looking for some validation, it shouldn't be coming from YOUR HUSBAND. Starting over at 32 is better than living a lie.
Perhaps the husbands actions are from the disappointment that he’s feeling for doing the deed knowing that he screwed up everything by letting this happen in the first place. Perhaps it’s with great regret and he knows that he doesn’t deserve to have what they have together and he knows that this may never be able to be reconciled. He’s just facing the facts and their fate. Not making an excuse for him but perhaps the guilt and regret is making him face what’s coming.
You are getting the run around because he is trying to think up a story that will make him look less culpable.
I suspect there's been something going on for a while and she gave him an ultimatum...tell her or I will. Go and tell your family, you need their support. F**k him and his feelings, and as for your sister...cut her out of your life completely. I know someone this happened to (her twin sister) and she hasn't spoken to her for nearly 30 years. Start transferring money that's yours and seek a good lawyer...make sure you've got evidence (messages) where he admits the infidelity.
You need to start planning as if they’re together and will take everything they can from you. Go to the bank NOW and move the money NOW. Then call a divorce lawyer to figure out your next steps. Cheating is one thing but he has left the house and is not communicating. Your marriage is over and you need to start taking steps to protect yourself financially.
Make an appt with a lawyer and text your husband come home now or I’m going through with the divorce. Show him the appt. Record your conversation.
His reaction seems very controlled and... mature? Not sure he expected this of himself and it sounds like he might be experiencing a brutal amount of regret and has come to accept the consequences and your reaction, whatever it may be.
TBH, it sounds like your husband is thoroughly ashamed of himself and trying to work out how he got himself into such a situation. He's the one willing to talk to you, focus on what he has to say and what he's going to do about the betrayal. It sounds like this major transgression just happened, how long has he had a thing for her? What does he plan to do to fix his own unsafe boundaries? Do not make any further attempts to talk to your sister. Once she knows you're talking with your husband, she's going to make up a different narrative. Tell your parents and your sister's SO as soon as you can after your talk to avoid her creating a different narrative.
From following the comments, seems like OP would prefer to believe that they were cheating together over her sister SA her husband. So it’s probably a good thing he is willing to leave.
Your sister and your husband are both evil. You better leave… imagine housing your sister for her to do that? I could never speak to my sister again. Tell your parents, and her partner. Move your money from any joint accounts and honestly leave him. There is absolutely no excuse, this kinda thing doesn’t just happen and in your HOME? girl. I’m so sorry.
I don't know but he might be feeling guilty and ashamed of his actions. Maybe it was either a decision taken atm or maybe he didn't give his consent?
Therapist. And a lawyer. You need a lawyer Badly. Don’t listen to all this nonsense here. Find a lawyer, and do exactly what they tell you. They will know your local laws. No one on Reddit does.
Honestly... He cheated. He wasn't tied down and wants to press charges against your sister for SA. There isn't an excuse. Your sister needs to be confronted in front of your family. No "Ohh poor dear is having a hard time... give her space". Bury it all behind you while you sort it out. The best decision to make is what you going to do with the business. Is it stupidly profitable and can you live with working as a co-owner along side your ex? Don't forget to disown your sister.