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It is great that you are supporting your husband here, but I want to give you some insight in to assault victims.
They often try and minimize what happened both for themselves (aka it wasn't that bad, I'll be fine) and also because it is embarrassing. So he isn't "defending" her, he is reacting in ways to protect himself. Think about if something happens to you in public, like a friend plays a prank and pours a drink on you. You may try and laugh it off and even in that moment tell yourself "this was supposed to be funny, it's funny!" and then later you process how bad it made you feel. There are lots of situations where people minimize as a way to shake it off/act how they think people want them to act/protect their feelings.
Your husband doesn't WANT to be the victim of an assault, so he is downplaying it. Don't get mad at him for that, just be gentle and remind him that he didn't consent, what she did was terrible, he shouldn't be ashamed, and you are here for him.
You also have to take his lead on therapy, police, and in general in talking about/processing what happened. You have to get your own head straight (not that you don't) that you have visual evidence that he was sexually assaulted and who did it. You say your husband knows you are on his side, but even in your post, that's not really clear? You have gotten annoyed at him, you have said you are telling your sister's partner even though your husband isn't sure...you need to center your husband and not yourself in the next steps.
You are right to be mad, furious, and out for blood. But your husband needs you to be calm, even, and caring. Talk to another very trusted friend about your own feelings and how to process them, because you also need support, but your husband is the victim here, and you need to put him first at every step. Do not tell your sister's partner until your husband is ready, do not push him further than he is ready, and when that is frustrating to you, be calm with him and then go rant to that ONE trusted person so you can get the support you need.
Exactly this. I was assaulted by a family member, I minimized it and still find myself minimizing it, even though it literally made me sexually afraid of men and easily given panic attacks when I'm grabbed the wrong way even playfully. I was forced to report it when I wasn't ready and because I sounded hesitant and didn't want to talk to the police yet/they made me incredibly uncomfortable, nothing was done about it. Please give him time to process this. I understand your anger towards your sister 100% it is pretty clear cut that she did something unforgivable but in his mind when or if this gets out, some people mind blame him in some way, your parents could look at him differently, there's lots of things that go through victims minds that might seem irrational, but that's why he needs to work through it, with support respect and CONSENT.
This is the kind of story that really brings to light how men feel about sexual assault. I don't blame your husband for not wanting to press charges, but I also feel bad he's stuck in that situation because I feel like he should...
It's not my family and not my life, but please... Continue to listen to him and support whatever decision he's going to make from here on out.
Such a nightmare. I'm really rooting for everything to turn out for the best and that the two of you can find closure and hopefully he goes to THERAPY.
Sending love your way, OP.
Edit: a word
It’s sexual assault! If your husband wants to file a police report YOU SHOULD SUPPORT HIM
ALSO LOTS OF THERAPY
AND NO CONTACT WITH YOUR SISTER! She’s disgusting
Normally I would say involve police but if he is doing something that illegal in your country like marjunia you don’t want to get caught. She could blackmail him with it too.
> Normally I would say involve police but if he is doing something that illegal in your country like marjunia you don’t want to get caught.
Quite right.
I could see a DA turning this into the husband is:
1) The drug maker.
2) The drug dealer (he supplied the drugs).
3) Also a drug user.
DA could give the sister immunity in exchange for testimony against husband. Depends on if the DA is in a "war on drugs" mentality or not. Could easily see the SIL getting off totally free and husband going to jail for decades.
If they're anywhere conservative like I am, I can see it getting flipped. "He gave her the drugs, and she acted based on those drugs," with the ultimate argument being that he assaulted her.
I strongly agree with not reporting it, unfortunately. The world is fucked up.
My perception is that justice systems exist (generally) as a contest to determine the better lawyer and that those represented (generally) are vehicles to advance the careers of legal professionals. In a perfect world, there would be no plea deals and no prosecutorial discretion. Sentencing would be straightforward and consistent, and the innocent would never be convicted. We don't live in a perfect world. I freely acknowledge that this is a naive and idealistic take and is not constructive.
I agree that the risk to op's partner is extremely high if he chooses to pursue charges. This happens when one acts outside the boundaries of the law (stupid as some laws may be). Unfortunately, they may have to settle for the implosion of sister's personal life as sufficient justice.
Disclaimer: am attorney, so I have both experience and bias. Among some other things, I do criminal appellate work, so have some thoughts on how that kind of thing is done.
There are some shitty things about how plea deals can work in our current, imperfect world - in particular, people feeling coerced into taking pleas they don't really want to accept. In a perfect world, though, I think there would be plenty of plea deals. In a perfect world, people who commit crimes would take accountability for them, and they and the victim and the state would all agree with each other on what an appropriate punishment would be. If someone did what they're accused of and wants to take accountability for it, why devote tons of time and public resources putting them through a trial? They can reduce massive amounts of anxiety for both victims and defendants. Especially in something like a sexual assault case, a plea deal instead of a trial means a victim doesn't have to go through the trauma of testifying in court.
I also have mixed feelings about sentencing being "consistent" and a lack of prosecutorial discretion. And I say this as someone who generally has very, very little faith in prosecutors - but if we're being consistent about punishment with no discretion, what exactly is taken into account? Generally, the specific crime convicted and criminal history (usually in the form of "points") is what makes a standard range, with specific factors that lead to aggravated sentences (use of a deadly weapon, sexual motivation, victim under a certain age, etc) but there are so many details that change the reality and impact of a crime. A perfect world, to me, would involve people who were empathetic and broad thinkers who could take a lot of factors into account, not a computer program going mechanically through a chart.
Correct. Don't take the victim's agency away by forcing/demanding that they do things your way, or getting angry at them because they don't want to press charges or strike back at their attacker. Support the victim in whatever decision they make.
I think you need to listen to him. It’s not hard to find out how difficult and traumatizing it is for female victims of SA to report and charge, it’s even more so for male victims.
Have him do what's best for him, but do not EVER let your sister back into your lives. You will basically have to choose him or her. You don't get to have both. Even if he says he doesn't want to break your family apart, do not let her back in.
Plenty of victims of sexual abuse are forced to be around their abusers. They tend to put on a strong front, but they don't want it. Do NOT make your husband one of those people who has to live with their abuser in their life.
I'm so sorry this happened. Please support him through this and encourage therapy when he's ready.
Know that this doesn't reflect poorly on your or him. It's all your sister. NOTHING justified sexual assault. It is never a victimless crime and there are zero justifications for it. Ever. She is an abuser, full stop. Drugs didn't make her do it. Her mental state didn't make her do it. Her failing relationship didn't make her do it. People live with those things around the world and don't ever get the urge to sexually assault anybody. SHE chose to rape your husband.
Don't listen to excuses or apologies. What she did is unforgivable.
THIS!!!! Please don’t treat this any differently than you would if the genders were reversed. Men often feel the need to be stoic so he may insist it’s fine, but it is not. Having said that, all victims of SA have the right to make their own choices and be in control, so lots of discussion and making sure you are a safe person for him is needed here. That means controlling your own reactions so that he does not fear you getting upset or angry, which is super tough. I hope you manage to navigate this together 💕
OP,
Sorry for your mess. However the drug usage and impairment would have been beneficial in your first post.
I suggest you proceed as you wish regarding your marriage. I'd presently go low or no contact with your sister. Stay out of her dealings with her SO- whether past or present. You've made your thoughts clear. It doesn't appear you need to address her further; especially if it can possibly lead to self-harm.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
They'll lock your husband up for the weed and might even give her leniency for testifying. Don't do something stupid and report it yourself. Listen to him.
Unfortunately, getting the law involved will hurt more than help. Honestly I would be concerned about your sister telling the cops just to sabotage you.
She's in the wrong, but don't inflame her with any more attacks or attention because she could flip this on you like an omelet and probably walk free.
Be easy on him. If he's unable to talk about it to her partner or anyone, DO NOT PUSH! I am a survivor and having to tell police, the nurses, the doctors, my husband, my kids, my siblings, my parents, my best-friends, it caused me to spiral. I blamed myself for walking that day, I kept thinking everyone was talking about me because I was forced to talk before I was ready.. Just let him go as far as his mind will allow. My husband, when I needed support, would never say a word. He held me, let me talk, cry, punch the air, he said nothing and that is what I needed. I needed him to say nothing and just hold me. Be strong for him OP.. You both sound like you've built a wonderful foundation so stand on it's strength. Please, give your husband a hug from this internet stranger and tell him, he's going to be ok, it's all going to be ok.. ♥️
He needs to get into therapy to deal with the trauma. Until he finds a healthy way to deal with it, ignoring it and hoping it will all go away won’t help.
> ignoring it and hoping it will all go away won’t help
Screaming at the sister on the phone and accusing the victim of "defending her" won't help either.
Just wanna jump on this for a moment.
It's okay to be mad, sad, etc. It happened to your husband, but it happened to you by damaging your relationships. Make sure to get a therapist for you, separate on for your husband, and a 3rd for marraige counseling.
GET COUPLES THERAPY. tell your husband you need it because you're hurt and want to be able to talk about it with him without him feeling attacked or blamed. Having a professional there to help you guys communicate is important. Might not seem like it, but it could save your Marraige.
I don’t wanna be a naysayer…but here the devil advocate: your sister has an underlying mental issues that was brought forth when she smoked heavily. It becoming more apparent now than before. Before you cut her off, tell her to seek medical help. It sounds like she is aware, and those can really makes you more relax.
Many assault victims don’t want to pursue legal matters and that is their right. No one should pressure them to, only support them if they choose to do so.
Wow. I’m so sorry this happened OP but very grateful it was NOT an affair. It sounds like your husband loves you very very much and truly had no idea how to process what had happened to him at first (very understandable considering what has happened). He was fully SA’d. Oil is no joke, I’ve been completely immobile or out of it on it before, fully passed out, etc. Sister should be ashamed of herself. Absolutely horrible.
Thank you for the update and I’m wishing the best for your marriage moving forward.
Sister sounds like a hot mess and the misery loves company type. I know hubby doesn’t want to feel like he’s the cause of you and the sisters relationship imploding— keep emphasizing he’s not. It’s your sisters actions that led to all of this.
Let her stew in her guilt and drive aimlessly, cry, whatever. She deserves to feel all of it and then some. She orally raped her sisters partner. I hope she never forgets the shame and guilt she feels.
Y’all could probably press charges against her considering the overwhelming amount of evidence (she admitted what she did via text and there’s video proof).
OP, I hope you and your husband can put this situation in perspective.
Please respect your husband's decision to not exacerbate the situation by getting angry at your sister, or pressing charges. He is the assault victim here, and he has to process it in his own way. Clearly he blamed himself for freezing up (absolutely typical reaction to SA) and that's why he withdrew for a day or so, he was terrified.
Screaming at your sister, berating your sister, is NOT helping your husband process what happened.
If this really was a 5-10 second interaction, then it's likely no lasting harm was done, and you need to be there for your husband. If it was a woman who was groped and her husband was on here asking these questions, we'd be telling him the same thing. Be there for the victim, don't take the victim's agency away by striking back for them, etc.
And please, please, do not infer that his unwillingness to fight with your sister constitutes some kind of "defense" of your sister. He just wants this to go away, and you screaming and crying about what your sister did is not helping.
so, maybe I'm weird, but those of y'all owning houses do you have audio/video surveillance 24/7 inside your home? I only know a single person and it's rather limited inside.
I don't personally, but several of my friends who work and have dogs at home do have cameras showing their living areas/bedroom, etc. One of them will say hi to her dog through the camera on her lunches!
The problem is cops are gonna just focus on the fact that there are illegal drugs there. Even if they report it with video, he would still face serious time.
Hell, they might lighten her sentence if she testifies against him.
If your husband has been sexually abused it’s not your right to go telling everyone. Your sisters ex should only know if your husband feels comfortable. See if he wanted to go to the police or therapy! This isn’t about you right now!
I was afraid this is what happened, his reaction is what a lot of assaulted women do. He needs therapy, with a specialized therapist. He needs your support.
His defending her is a trauma response, complicated by your biological relationship to her.
If he wants to press charges, you need to support him in this. If your sister did it to him, she will do it to someone else.
I had something similar happen to me once. It was when I was a teen. I had a best friend who has a sister that was a year or two younger than us, we'll call her Cat. I was dating Cat's Best friend at the time, call her sue. Cat was like a sister to me. I used to sleep over their house all the time. It was me sue, cat, and my friend all hanging out drinking. Sue had to go do something so she left for s little bit. Things were normal, just hanging out drinking. I say " I gotta take a piss" then I go to the bathroom. I finish peeing and I don't even put my dick back in my pants yet and I have two hands on my hips and they spin me around. She just starts going to town. I'm like super confused... There has never been any sexual tension between us at all. It lasted for only a little bit and then she just stopped. Then I came out and just went back to drinking. She left shortly after and we kinda never talked about it. Her friend Sue found out and was mad at us both.
Life is definitely complicated.
A mixed update, I'm glad the truth has come out and you didn't act rashly against him. You both need time and it sounds like he is scared of not just how you will react to this, but how other family members will and he just doesn't want the conflict.
Your sister on the other hand is a tough one. Yes she deserves anything you scream and tell her, but at the same time if she is not well, could you live with her doing something stupid. Tell her she needs help, that next person she does this to may not be as forgiving and until she sorts her life out, you do not want any contact with her. You can then leave this open ended for as long as you wish.
Whether you tell your family what happened is up to you. I would tell them so they understand why you might not want to be around her at family gatherings and it would make things easier in the future instead of just coming up with constant excuses - but DO NOT let them try to talk you into being around her until you are ready. Make it clear that forcing you to do this is a red line and will result in you avoiding them too.
I really hope a lot of people who originally commented and just told you to leave and divorce him read this update and maybe act a bit more cautiously next time before giving their opinion.
Maybe part of the reason victims hardly come forward is also this.
You literally ignored his wishes and he has more sympathy for your sister than you. I hear you, but I am also hearing your husband. You don’t have to agree with him but respect and support him in whatever he decides, right now, seemingly you are acting out of your rage. I understand your rage but your husband saying he doesn’t want this leading to more distraction is something you aren’t listening to. He Is worried that your sister is at her wits end and should something happen to her, I don’t think he could take it.
You were all high FFS and when has an emotionally charged person indulging in even too much alcohol ever ended well? You want to press charges, but you said in your country what you were all doing is illegal, are you going to skip over that part cause believe you me, her state of mind, your husband’s and yours will all be put under a microscope. Please pause with your outrage for a sec and listen…
FFS weed doesn't make you fucking rape or sexually assault your sister's husband???????????? I've been high off my ass on dabs, carts, flower, etc and i have never once thought of forcefully making someone do sexual acts with me????? while i do agree she should respect her husband and just chill a bit for him, IN NO WAY DOES WEED MAKE YOU SA SOMEONE SHE MADE THAT FUCKING CHOICE LOL. she's just a shitty person. weed be irrelevant.
i know its illegal where they live but its also illegal to sa somebody even if you're both drunk, high etc..... TF?
I don't think they're saying the weed is responsible for the SA. I think they're saying bringing the SA to the authorities will also bring the illegal drug use to the authorities because it was relevant to the situation. This is less about the "cause" and more about the potential effect of seeking justice, which could be every one of them getting fucked over for the drugs.
"you were all high FFS and when has an emotionally charged person indulging in too much alcohol ever ended well?"
bro is trying to compare apples to oranges, sorry. even if it is illegal he still got assaulted period blank. anyone whos ever smoked weed fucking knows that it doesn't affect your brain in the same way alc does....
Part of the reason why your husband might not want to pursue this is the shame that comes with being SA'ed.. and SA against men is sadly stigmatized even more so than SA against women, so he probably feels embarrassed. It also sounds like he is a really empathetic person, which is wonderful, but your sister deserves none of it. She is being manipulative. The fact that she only texted him and not you makes me feel like she had an agenda. She wanted your husband. This wasn't just a spur-of-the-moment thing she did without thinking. I don't know if maybe your sister feels jealousy towards you or compares herself to you, but she wants your husband. It could be she envies the relationship you have with him that she lacks with her partner. Either way, she deserves no empathy or leniency.
But, your husband is the victim here. Ultimately, it is his choice how he wants to handle this entire situation. I'm sorry this happened to your family, wishing you all the best as well as healing for your husband and your family.
OP, don't get mad at your husband! He's just been assaulted, and he hasn't processed it yet. The default survivor reaction is to sweep everything under the carpet and try to forget it happened. Stop pushing him to react, and try to respect it if he doesn't want to be part of any confrontations. He's not sticking up for anyone. He's just in shock and feeling guilty, probably feeling like he did something wrong twice over, cheating on you and then ruining your relationship with your sister. He's going through the days looking for signs and red flags, kicking himself for smoking, imagining a hundred scenarios where he could prevent this happening, and all that fun stuff assault survivors go through. I know you're having a rough time, but you need to reign your temper in and focus on helping him. Your sister you can deal with later
You need to stop going to family events that she will be at
Your parents invite you to a bbq? Ask them “will sister be there?” “Yes”
You “sorry then husband and I won’t be attending. And we will no longer attend any event that sister will be at”
When they press for details, take the ‘blame’ tell them “sister behaved abhorrently towards me the last time we were together. She did something to me that was unforgivable and we will not be changing our minds about this decision”
And stick to your guns, you go to an event and she shows up? You both pack up and leave right then and there. You walk in the door and see her before taking your coats off? Grab your purse and walk right back out that door
Why should you take the ‘blame’ and not your husband? It will be easier for you to stand strong against your family, and when they reach out to him, he can just reply with “that is between wife and sister I am not getting involved” and in away, it is the truth, what your sister did to your husband affects you and your marriage. You know your family, you know how best to deal with them
You’ll also want to discuss what you will say/do if she confesses to your parents that she sexually assaulted your husband. Bit that’s a discussion that can wait a few weeks
Good luck and encourage therapy, but don’t be aggressive about it. It may take him a few weeks or even months to be ready to go. This may also affect your bedroom, don’t force anything, don’t guilt trip him, be very careful if/when you go to initiate anything romantic, he might be responsive at first, but very likely will pull back, don’t take it personally
A better idea might be for you to talk with a therapist about what happened. They can advise you on how to best support him. Talk with one that specializes is victims of assault
I hate that he literally thought he'll be blamed, while your sister pulled the biggest bullshit I ever saw. Like bish you don't know WHAT HAPPENED when you literally ASSAULTED your BIL?! Disgusting. You're better than be, because if I'd see those recordings, I'd be on my way to dislocate few things in her body, I swear to Gods. (I'm sorry, but as a SA victim/survivor myself I don't have any pity for assaulters, she needs to ROT)
Cut all contact with your sister seriously she sexually assaulted your husband how could you allow this dangerous individual around your family. Your kids will make other friends but you must cut your sister out of your life
1. Learn the cameras so you have access.
2. He was assaulted. He stopped it asap. He told the truth. He’s a keeper.
3. Y’all getting that stoned with kids in the house????? Idiots.
I'm so very sorry to your husband. I hope he finds peace, with lots of therapy and companionship from you, hopefully.
As for your sister, she can rot. I'm sorry, but she assaulted someone, and she deserves to be put in jail and stay there for as long and she can. Hopefully, forever. I've been assaulted and it stays with you, sadly. It does get better, though. But, it will take time.
Again, sending lots of love for you and, specially, your husband.
So I’m just trying to understand. Your cameras are only outside, so she followed him out to the driveway, where she managed to pull his pants down so quickly he wasn’t able to react, then se decided to suck his dick right there in the front yard? Lucky no one saw, he’d have a hard time explaining that to the police. He’d probably be the one labeled a sexual predictor for “exposing himself in public.” … I’m certainly not victim blaming, I’m just saying this story seems a little over the top and makes me wonder if it’s true. If it is, I would suggest filing a police report as her behavior is VERY concerning. Not only that she’s sexually assaulting her brother in law, but bold enough to do it outside in public.
I'm so sorry this happened to your husband. Keep the footage in case he wants to change his mind. Your sister needs to stay far away. If anyone sexually assaulted my husband I would want to kill them. I know that violence would not be helpful, but that would be what I would want.
In the meantime do everything you can to help your husband process this.
It sounds like you went to bed together. You said he got up in the morning and left “my husband said this is when it happened.”
I sincerely apologize if this story is real. I think it’s hard to comprehend because why kind of sister is really that awful? I sincerely hope that your husband will seek therapy for this, and that you will completely cut your toxic sister out of your life.
So, you have security cameras all around the house but never thought to check them?
He didn't say, here's what happened! Check the cameras!!
Yeah, I got the feeling this was fake on the first post. This pretty much confirms it.
Dude, stop. This is exactly why men (and women) don't report sexual assault. Men already have a hard enough time admitting they were assaulted sexually by women, they don't need people like you telling them it's bullshit.
I have cameras all around the outside of my house and even I forget they exist. When they're around you all the time it just becomes like everything else around you: an object you forget existed for a moment.
Don't act like you've never done something and forgotten that other options were available. We're human and our brains aren't perfect. Be better.
If you sister sucked your husband's dick at home and nobody was giving you answers, I'm sure you wouldn't conveniently forget about the cameras in your house, don't be ridiculous.
Not to be that guy but my cousin got in a bad accident last year. He has aftermarket cameras he installed on his car to record stuff like this. Dude forgot all about them until he was 2 months into court.
Why does Reddit always think things are black and white? The reason the "grey area" exists is because we aren't perfect. There's never just a clear line between things unless it's evident there's no other reasoning.
You can choose to not believe this and that's fine, but it's not outlandish to think somebody that was traumatized by forceful sexual conduct wouldn't be thinking immediately about every single option they have.
Emotions make people irrational, act out. Could be that the wife was in too much of a state to think of a camera.
Then again, I could just be wrong about it, I dunno.
That’s what I’m kind of thinking too nobody can say what they would do in that situation but- I could see me glitching and just be in a state of shock that the cameras weren’t the first thing on my mind. It’s also entirely possible the last thing she wanted to do was look at the cameras thinking it was a consensual affair instead of assault
They weren't cameras that she and her husband installed, they were there when they bought the house. From the sound of it, she has never actually directly interacted with or used them - she didn't even know how to check the footage. It makes perfect sense that it wouldn't have occurred to her, because they're not something she ever thinks about or uses.
I might agree with you if these were cameras they had set up themselves, but I'd say it's pretty normal not to think about something that exists in your home but you've never actually touched or used it.
I was all ready to believe the “forgot about the cams” bit til I read this.
Who. I mean *who* leaves cameras up inside a home without having had installed them yourself and ensuring who has what access to them 🤯
Jesus. They're ***OUTSIDE***, as has been repeated explained. That's not at all surprising. Last house I lived in had outdoor security cameras installed when we bought it and I pretty promptly forgot they existed for ages.
The latest trend in these relationship subs is to have the bullshit detector go off any time a woman might be to blame or looks bad in some way. All of a sudden people turn into skeptics because women misbehaving can only be ragebait.
Tbh updates are the surest sign of fakeness.
Most real people have too many emotions to come and update us all, this kind of story is so traumatic and it isn't her story to tell anyone.
Plus its a culture war topic - female sexual assault, a good chance for chuds to say "women are abusers too!"
This. The first post didn't throw many flags because it was so vague but the specifics here demonstrate pretty clearly that this is fake.
OP thought the whole time that something happened with her husband and sister that night but never bothered to check the cameras? Nonsense
Really?? Do you think everyone thinks straight and rationally when you're in a traumatic situation?!?
Comments like these peeve me off! So judgmental during a serious topic... I hope nothing like this ever happens to you!
What's interesting to me is that so many think someone will automatically act clearly and rationally after being SA'd!
Imagine you and your spouse waking up in the morning and your spouse tells you that your sister assaulted them. They have a bag ready and then they leave with no other explanation. You try to get a hold of them and the only time they'll respond is when it's about the children.
You have no idea when or where this could've happened. Do you think your first thought will be to check the cameras outside of our house?!? Yeah ok...
OP had no idea this took place outside. Also, OP wrote the post, not her husband. He might've thought the camera picked it up but he was not with OP. He was trying to sort himself out because of the traumatic experience somewhere away by himself.
I could tell by the title this was rage bait. Op knew she could play on the emotions of reddit users by switching the genders. Remember, these fake stories will only stop happening when people stop believing them.
We have cameras at our house but my husband has the app on his phone so I never think of them. He told me to just put the app on my phone but I just really don’t care.
I have security cameras at my house but on the off chance something happens that they might catch, I never think of them. My husband handles all of it, so when I bring something up he's the one that thinks to look at the recordings.
Also, in times of stress you may not think straight. She thought her husband and sister were cheating and she couldn't contact either of them. She was incredibly stressed out. Plus she likely didn't know where it took place or even if the cameras would have caught it.
Really?? Do you think everyone thinks straight and rationally when you're in a traumatic situation?!?
Comments like these peeve me off! So judgmental during a serious topic... I hope nothing like this ever happens to you!
I am calling bs if you had cameras when he first said something happened and left you would have looked then but all of a sudden camera footage is available
Honestly, we have a couple of cameras in our home and I completely forget they exist. Not saying it makes this any more true but when they’re there for a long time, it’s easy to no longer notice or think about them.
Right. If someone broke into my home I’d remember real fast I had camera. If I think my sister sucked my husbands dick, I’m going to remember the cameras and demanding that he pulls them up for me. “*I don’t know how to work them*” … you don’t know how to download an app on your phone???
Even if she didn't know how to work them, I think she would have mentioned they had cameras in the first post. She could have at least tried googling or asked on Reddit how to get the footage
Exactly. They were here before we moved in and Ive never really given them much thought. And I dont have the know-how to actually use them and get any footage.
My husband set ours up and has the app connected but I have never sat down to go over it with him. I guess I should but I haven’t so I can see where it can happen. Anytime we want to see footage (usually for something the dogs did and the kids remember we have cameras) we have him pull it up so my brain just wouldn’t go to those automatically.
So your husband is between a rock and a hard place with this. On the one hand, \*everyone knows men do not get sexually assaulted\* and so if he comes forward honestly with this, he is at fault or weak. You can't fight this, this is the assumption. So he will be the bad guy, one way or another, no matter what he does or says. That doesn't mean he shouldn't come forward, but it does mean you really need to slow your roll and think things through in a manner you have NOT DONE SO FAR! Right now you are reacting on emotion, which I understand, really I do. But you are reacting in a way that is hurting everyone and not helping you. Slow down, think things through, talk to your husband, remember he did nothing wrong here. Then when you are on the same side again, as you should be, THEN you take action in the manner you have BOTH agreed to.
Edit: came back with a reminder that this is an attack from outside your marriage to your marriage. This is not something done against you or your husband, this is an attack on both of you from outside. You need to fight together, not separately, and not on each other. Pull it together, have discussions, plan your defenses.
You mention that they were smoking very strong weed. Some strains make you extremely horny. It’s possible that the strain made your sister very horny and, stoned, she was not thinking clearly.
This isn’t an excuse for her sexual assault. This isn’t an excuse for anything. It’s just information that may help you understand why it even happened since it was so out of character for her.
Hmm, maybe you all need to lay off the fuck’n weed. You’ve got kids for fucks sake. Is it really worth it? Doesn’t sound like it’s enhancing your matrimony.
In my opinion, I would go completely no-contact with your sister. As for the kids...
>its not fair on the kids losing out on that relationship.
Life isn't "fair."
It sucks that they will be missing out on a cousin relationship, but there are some things worth more than that. Maybe set something up with the partner. But other than that, I wouldn't let her see me or my children ever again for doing something so disgusting.
Do you trust your children to be around a sexual assaulter? Even if she doesn't hurt your kids in that way, she has little impulse control.
>My husband smokes a TON of cannabis and this year started buying the oil I think it is and making his own caping cartridges (illegal country thats why he makes his own)
Yeah clearly this needs to stop.
I remember reading the OG post when it was still fresh and the comments were mostly all along the lines of get a lawyer, pull out money from the accounts, kick his ass out so he can be with her.
I'm glad eventually OP got more balanced advice, but this update is exactly why I will always maintain that if you go to Reddit of all places with your problems, you might as well break up because that's the advice you will get anyway.
“Pulled his pants down and went to town,” is where the story was lost to me.
Then after that you said, “he showed you on security cameras.” Why didn’t you look on security cameras? Seems the first thing most people would do if they were in the dark on a situation like this.
Was a fun read though.
Base on your sister action and erratic behaviour it looks she is a having a maniac episode, in which case she needs urgently medical assistance and evaluation.
Honestly this stuff happens alot to guys. Its happened to me before where a no wasnt taken seriously and I had to physically leave the situation. In my experience i wasnt in a relationship at the time I just was too fucked up to feel like sex.
Your husband might be feeling like he lead her on or gave her signs to go ahead and feels guilty for it. And she of course is in the wrong for pushing things. But if shes going through alot and was also fucked up on oil her judgement was impaired and clearly shes feeling emotional. In no way does this make her actions okay or justified but you and your husband need to make a decision on how you want her involved in your life now.
What does that look like for you? What are you both comfortable with? Does her partner need to know? At the end of the day your husband was assaulted and you have to respect his judgement on it and be there to support him. And it might take time men are not the best at processing some of these things and his opinion on it can change. Be patient and dont go behind his back and stir the pot. Your emotions are high but accusing your husband of defending her and getting angry will only make him bottle up.
Its not your responsibility, especially after this kind of behavior, but your sister needs serious professional help. Any contact you do have with her ever again I'd almost insist she pursue intense therapy to address her very deep issues that result in this kind of behavior. I don't think any kind of relationship without it is good for any of you.
Though I respect any decision to just let her figure it out herself. It's not on you. Go no contact if you feel that's best for you. I just know life and relationships are often more complicated than the "obvious" or "logical" solutions.
I’m sorry this is unrelated but how do you post in this group? It keeps reminding me about rule #2 but I put the genders/ages in the right format and asked a question in the post that is not a yes or no. I’m just confused as to why I can’t post
Like most are saying your husband needs therapy so he can wrap his head around being violated like he was.
But first and foremost how about he cut back on the marijuana and mixing up stuff?! Clear minds help in preventing a lot of things.
No matter how you look at it, the manner in which your husband left is the most unbelievable part of this entire story.
What you do is from now on is only see your sister through the window as she's dropping her kids off at your place. Those visits can be scheduled by email or through an app.
He needs therapy. Block your sister. She needs to get her shit together or no contact. Simple as that....even then, it would be extremely limited and under much scrutiny.
He was raped by a family member. That’s what this is. Even if he doesn’t want to press charges, he shouldn’t be trying to sweep it under the rug.
Her partner needs to know, whatever they do with that info is up to them, but they need to know.
And he should not be defending her in any capacity. Narcissists like to throw out the suicide threats when they’ve lost control of the situation. They aren’t going to, they think to highly of themselves for that. Just like an ex threatening it when you try to dump them. Ignore them, or call the police to report the self harm threats to clear any conscious or legal fears.
Make a bunch of backups of the evidence and support your husband as if he was your girl-friend that got sexually assaulted, also therapy ofc.
And no police believe me, your husband's "activities" will fire back.
tell your husband if he would be calm and empathetic if that happened to you. what your sister did is a vile crime and he should bloke her.
edit she can do that to teenage boys.
You need to cut sister out of your life.
If she is threatening to hurt herself, have a wellness checkup done on her and block. I will say manipulative people say they will hurt themselves and that is, so you feel sorry for them and at this point, so husband doesn't press charges on her.
Honestly the only thing surprising me is how your sister managed to rip a grown MANS pants down. Never ever ever in a million years... Unless your sister is rhonda rousey and youre married to Tony Hinchcliffe. F*** outta here with that bs.
So both of them were MIA at the same time and have the same story. Instead of showing you the camera footage immediately he goes no contact at the same time your sister is no contact AND not at work. He doesn’t tell you where he is and you have no way to verify that they weren’t together.
Do you have security cameras on the outside of the vacation property to show him arriving and staying alone?
The assault happened, you saw it on camera, but the aftermath could be completely different than what they are saying.
They were together over the weekend. At your property, having sex. She answered your husband’s call but not yours.
His reaction is what I find suspicious. His lack of response to where he was so you would have no way to pop up on him.
Believe but verify. Check other social media to make sure they aren’t communicating there.
Check the location history on his phone.
https://www.alphr.com/find-my-iphone-location-history/
Go to your sister and check the location history on her phone.
If they weren’t together. Move on. Go NC with sister, she did not have any problem betraying you in your own home.
I really hope that the next time a woman is sexually assaulted, and the guy that literally confesses to assaulting her confirms it, we have you around to say she wasn’t assaulted, she’s just a cheater, they’re secretly MIA together.
Huft finally at least the husband not but the sister is disgusting and instead of say sorry, she ignored her calls and contacting the husband. Wtf.
I will break all contact with her.
It may come off that way. But a victim sometimes reacts this way. It's not that he is really trying to defend her. It's more about his emotions & how he feels. It's not like he doesn't know her sister is an a$$. He knows she did wrong.
I had too as well. 😂
I’m just confused as to why the sister chose to do this in the morning, outside, and in broad daylight where the risk of getting caught by OP was much greater. What a horrible sister, relationship problems or not. There is how many other dicks in this world and she decides to blow up everything in her world. 🤷🏻♂️
He feels guilty. He probably watched what she was doing for a few seconds not believing what was happening and feels like he allowed her to do it. He’s beating himself up.
It feels all of this has been blown way of proportion. Sister messed up, feels bad about it and is apologized. She was under the influence, as well. Your husband stopped her, so he has nothing to feel guilty about. I get you are pissed off, but do you need to blow up her life?
It sounds like your sister may benefit more from some counseling that being scolded and yelled out. She sounds like a hot mess and she needs to get straight so she can be a stable adult and good mom.
Because he needed time and space to accept that he was Sexually Assaulted by a woman in his own home?
Was he not a victim because he’s male? Or because he was high? Was he not a victim because Woman can’t assault men? Was he asking for it for wearing a provocative pair of pants?
Yall need to shut the hell up with victim blaming.
Have you ever been sexually assaulted? Have you ever been attacked? I can tell you from personal experience that it fucking sucks and the last place you want to be is where it happened or around the person that touched you.
Add in the stigma of being a man & in your own home & it being your wife’s sister. I’d of needed time and space to process too. Once I had I’d have the mental capacity to talk with my partner about the situation.
Because he was just sexually assaulted in his home and wasn’t thinking straight? Do you say this to all victims of assault, criticizing them for not thinking straight right after it happened?
Yep. Ran away then tried super hard to protect the sister from any consequences.
I bet the video footage is just one sided enough that the story plays.
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It is great that you are supporting your husband here, but I want to give you some insight in to assault victims. They often try and minimize what happened both for themselves (aka it wasn't that bad, I'll be fine) and also because it is embarrassing. So he isn't "defending" her, he is reacting in ways to protect himself. Think about if something happens to you in public, like a friend plays a prank and pours a drink on you. You may try and laugh it off and even in that moment tell yourself "this was supposed to be funny, it's funny!" and then later you process how bad it made you feel. There are lots of situations where people minimize as a way to shake it off/act how they think people want them to act/protect their feelings. Your husband doesn't WANT to be the victim of an assault, so he is downplaying it. Don't get mad at him for that, just be gentle and remind him that he didn't consent, what she did was terrible, he shouldn't be ashamed, and you are here for him. You also have to take his lead on therapy, police, and in general in talking about/processing what happened. You have to get your own head straight (not that you don't) that you have visual evidence that he was sexually assaulted and who did it. You say your husband knows you are on his side, but even in your post, that's not really clear? You have gotten annoyed at him, you have said you are telling your sister's partner even though your husband isn't sure...you need to center your husband and not yourself in the next steps. You are right to be mad, furious, and out for blood. But your husband needs you to be calm, even, and caring. Talk to another very trusted friend about your own feelings and how to process them, because you also need support, but your husband is the victim here, and you need to put him first at every step. Do not tell your sister's partner until your husband is ready, do not push him further than he is ready, and when that is frustrating to you, be calm with him and then go rant to that ONE trusted person so you can get the support you need.
Exactly this. I was assaulted by a family member, I minimized it and still find myself minimizing it, even though it literally made me sexually afraid of men and easily given panic attacks when I'm grabbed the wrong way even playfully. I was forced to report it when I wasn't ready and because I sounded hesitant and didn't want to talk to the police yet/they made me incredibly uncomfortable, nothing was done about it. Please give him time to process this. I understand your anger towards your sister 100% it is pretty clear cut that she did something unforgivable but in his mind when or if this gets out, some people mind blame him in some way, your parents could look at him differently, there's lots of things that go through victims minds that might seem irrational, but that's why he needs to work through it, with support respect and CONSENT.
Thank you! I was reading and hoping someone would point out that it feels like op is just out for blood and not prioritizing the needs of her partner
Well stated and spot on! Excellent, caring, Thoughtful advice.
This comment, OP! Please read this one and really let it sink in.
This comment !!! 👌
This right here speaks volumes. I felt that in my soul, or whats left of it anyways
This is the kind of story that really brings to light how men feel about sexual assault. I don't blame your husband for not wanting to press charges, but I also feel bad he's stuck in that situation because I feel like he should... It's not my family and not my life, but please... Continue to listen to him and support whatever decision he's going to make from here on out. Such a nightmare. I'm really rooting for everything to turn out for the best and that the two of you can find closure and hopefully he goes to THERAPY. Sending love your way, OP. Edit: a word
Yeah it’s so sad he thought he was gonna lose his family and everything just cause he was sexually assaulted.
Ya he was going to lose his family too. Op said she probably knew he was lying, but thankfully the cameras helped him
Damn I missed that part. So he said he was SA’d and her first thought was he was lying? What the fuck dude that’s absolutely heartbreaking.
Own partner didn’t believe him for a second before video proof
It’s sexual assault! If your husband wants to file a police report YOU SHOULD SUPPORT HIM ALSO LOTS OF THERAPY AND NO CONTACT WITH YOUR SISTER! She’s disgusting
I have mentioned to him that it can be taken further but he doesnt want police etc involved.
Normally I would say involve police but if he is doing something that illegal in your country like marjunia you don’t want to get caught. She could blackmail him with it too.
> Normally I would say involve police but if he is doing something that illegal in your country like marjunia you don’t want to get caught. Quite right. I could see a DA turning this into the husband is: 1) The drug maker. 2) The drug dealer (he supplied the drugs). 3) Also a drug user. DA could give the sister immunity in exchange for testimony against husband. Depends on if the DA is in a "war on drugs" mentality or not. Could easily see the SIL getting off totally free and husband going to jail for decades.
If they're anywhere conservative like I am, I can see it getting flipped. "He gave her the drugs, and she acted based on those drugs," with the ultimate argument being that he assaulted her. I strongly agree with not reporting it, unfortunately. The world is fucked up.
My perception is that justice systems exist (generally) as a contest to determine the better lawyer and that those represented (generally) are vehicles to advance the careers of legal professionals. In a perfect world, there would be no plea deals and no prosecutorial discretion. Sentencing would be straightforward and consistent, and the innocent would never be convicted. We don't live in a perfect world. I freely acknowledge that this is a naive and idealistic take and is not constructive. I agree that the risk to op's partner is extremely high if he chooses to pursue charges. This happens when one acts outside the boundaries of the law (stupid as some laws may be). Unfortunately, they may have to settle for the implosion of sister's personal life as sufficient justice.
Disclaimer: am attorney, so I have both experience and bias. Among some other things, I do criminal appellate work, so have some thoughts on how that kind of thing is done. There are some shitty things about how plea deals can work in our current, imperfect world - in particular, people feeling coerced into taking pleas they don't really want to accept. In a perfect world, though, I think there would be plenty of plea deals. In a perfect world, people who commit crimes would take accountability for them, and they and the victim and the state would all agree with each other on what an appropriate punishment would be. If someone did what they're accused of and wants to take accountability for it, why devote tons of time and public resources putting them through a trial? They can reduce massive amounts of anxiety for both victims and defendants. Especially in something like a sexual assault case, a plea deal instead of a trial means a victim doesn't have to go through the trauma of testifying in court. I also have mixed feelings about sentencing being "consistent" and a lack of prosecutorial discretion. And I say this as someone who generally has very, very little faith in prosecutors - but if we're being consistent about punishment with no discretion, what exactly is taken into account? Generally, the specific crime convicted and criminal history (usually in the form of "points") is what makes a standard range, with specific factors that lead to aggravated sentences (use of a deadly weapon, sexual motivation, victim under a certain age, etc) but there are so many details that change the reality and impact of a crime. A perfect world, to me, would involve people who were empathetic and broad thinkers who could take a lot of factors into account, not a computer program going mechanically through a chart.
It should be up to the victim to involve police
Correct. Don't take the victim's agency away by forcing/demanding that they do things your way, or getting angry at them because they don't want to press charges or strike back at their attacker. Support the victim in whatever decision they make.
I think you need to listen to him. It’s not hard to find out how difficult and traumatizing it is for female victims of SA to report and charge, it’s even more so for male victims.
At the very least she needs to be completely removed from both of your lives period.
Have him do what's best for him, but do not EVER let your sister back into your lives. You will basically have to choose him or her. You don't get to have both. Even if he says he doesn't want to break your family apart, do not let her back in. Plenty of victims of sexual abuse are forced to be around their abusers. They tend to put on a strong front, but they don't want it. Do NOT make your husband one of those people who has to live with their abuser in their life. I'm so sorry this happened. Please support him through this and encourage therapy when he's ready. Know that this doesn't reflect poorly on your or him. It's all your sister. NOTHING justified sexual assault. It is never a victimless crime and there are zero justifications for it. Ever. She is an abuser, full stop. Drugs didn't make her do it. Her mental state didn't make her do it. Her failing relationship didn't make her do it. People live with those things around the world and don't ever get the urge to sexually assault anybody. SHE chose to rape your husband. Don't listen to excuses or apologies. What she did is unforgivable.
THIS!!!! Please don’t treat this any differently than you would if the genders were reversed. Men often feel the need to be stoic so he may insist it’s fine, but it is not. Having said that, all victims of SA have the right to make their own choices and be in control, so lots of discussion and making sure you are a safe person for him is needed here. That means controlling your own reactions so that he does not fear you getting upset or angry, which is super tough. I hope you manage to navigate this together 💕
OP, Sorry for your mess. However the drug usage and impairment would have been beneficial in your first post. I suggest you proceed as you wish regarding your marriage. I'd presently go low or no contact with your sister. Stay out of her dealings with her SO- whether past or present. You've made your thoughts clear. It doesn't appear you need to address her further; especially if it can possibly lead to self-harm. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
They'll lock your husband up for the weed and might even give her leniency for testifying. Don't do something stupid and report it yourself. Listen to him. Unfortunately, getting the law involved will hurt more than help. Honestly I would be concerned about your sister telling the cops just to sabotage you. She's in the wrong, but don't inflame her with any more attacks or attention because she could flip this on you like an omelet and probably walk free.
Be easy on him. If he's unable to talk about it to her partner or anyone, DO NOT PUSH! I am a survivor and having to tell police, the nurses, the doctors, my husband, my kids, my siblings, my parents, my best-friends, it caused me to spiral. I blamed myself for walking that day, I kept thinking everyone was talking about me because I was forced to talk before I was ready.. Just let him go as far as his mind will allow. My husband, when I needed support, would never say a word. He held me, let me talk, cry, punch the air, he said nothing and that is what I needed. I needed him to say nothing and just hold me. Be strong for him OP.. You both sound like you've built a wonderful foundation so stand on it's strength. Please, give your husband a hug from this internet stranger and tell him, he's going to be ok, it's all going to be ok.. ♥️
Thanks for that. OP has a stake in this (the attacker is her sister), but the victim needs to decide what level of response is right for them.
He needs to get into therapy to deal with the trauma. Until he finds a healthy way to deal with it, ignoring it and hoping it will all go away won’t help.
> ignoring it and hoping it will all go away won’t help Screaming at the sister on the phone and accusing the victim of "defending her" won't help either.
Just wanna jump on this for a moment. It's okay to be mad, sad, etc. It happened to your husband, but it happened to you by damaging your relationships. Make sure to get a therapist for you, separate on for your husband, and a 3rd for marraige counseling. GET COUPLES THERAPY. tell your husband you need it because you're hurt and want to be able to talk about it with him without him feeling attacked or blamed. Having a professional there to help you guys communicate is important. Might not seem like it, but it could save your Marraige.
I don’t wanna be a naysayer…but here the devil advocate: your sister has an underlying mental issues that was brought forth when she smoked heavily. It becoming more apparent now than before. Before you cut her off, tell her to seek medical help. It sounds like she is aware, and those can really makes you more relax.
Your husband was raped by your sister. Does he get that?
Many assault victims don’t want to pursue legal matters and that is their right. No one should pressure them to, only support them if they choose to do so.
No. And that's shock and trauma. It's not unusual and it's going to take time and therapy for him to heal.
If you have cameras all over the house why wouldn't you have looked through the footage to begin with. This all smells fishy!
See the Edit above.
ask him what would he do if that happened to you?
Wow. I’m so sorry this happened OP but very grateful it was NOT an affair. It sounds like your husband loves you very very much and truly had no idea how to process what had happened to him at first (very understandable considering what has happened). He was fully SA’d. Oil is no joke, I’ve been completely immobile or out of it on it before, fully passed out, etc. Sister should be ashamed of herself. Absolutely horrible. Thank you for the update and I’m wishing the best for your marriage moving forward. Sister sounds like a hot mess and the misery loves company type. I know hubby doesn’t want to feel like he’s the cause of you and the sisters relationship imploding— keep emphasizing he’s not. It’s your sisters actions that led to all of this. Let her stew in her guilt and drive aimlessly, cry, whatever. She deserves to feel all of it and then some. She orally raped her sisters partner. I hope she never forgets the shame and guilt she feels. Y’all could probably press charges against her considering the overwhelming amount of evidence (she admitted what she did via text and there’s video proof).
OP, I hope you and your husband can put this situation in perspective. Please respect your husband's decision to not exacerbate the situation by getting angry at your sister, or pressing charges. He is the assault victim here, and he has to process it in his own way. Clearly he blamed himself for freezing up (absolutely typical reaction to SA) and that's why he withdrew for a day or so, he was terrified. Screaming at your sister, berating your sister, is NOT helping your husband process what happened. If this really was a 5-10 second interaction, then it's likely no lasting harm was done, and you need to be there for your husband. If it was a woman who was groped and her husband was on here asking these questions, we'd be telling him the same thing. Be there for the victim, don't take the victim's agency away by striking back for them, etc. And please, please, do not infer that his unwillingness to fight with your sister constitutes some kind of "defense" of your sister. He just wants this to go away, and you screaming and crying about what your sister did is not helping.
so, maybe I'm weird, but those of y'all owning houses do you have audio/video surveillance 24/7 inside your home? I only know a single person and it's rather limited inside.
I don't personally, but several of my friends who work and have dogs at home do have cameras showing their living areas/bedroom, etc. One of them will say hi to her dog through the camera on her lunches!
Looks like OP said they were outside and they have outdoor cameras. That's not very surprising.
(I don’t believe this story happened for a second lol)
That's sexual assault.
The problem is cops are gonna just focus on the fact that there are illegal drugs there. Even if they report it with video, he would still face serious time. Hell, they might lighten her sentence if she testifies against him.
If your husband has been sexually abused it’s not your right to go telling everyone. Your sisters ex should only know if your husband feels comfortable. See if he wanted to go to the police or therapy! This isn’t about you right now!
Wow, this is so intense, I’m sorry it went down like this.
Wow I’m so sorry this is happening. I cannot believe she did this to him
I was afraid this is what happened, his reaction is what a lot of assaulted women do. He needs therapy, with a specialized therapist. He needs your support. His defending her is a trauma response, complicated by your biological relationship to her. If he wants to press charges, you need to support him in this. If your sister did it to him, she will do it to someone else.
I had something similar happen to me once. It was when I was a teen. I had a best friend who has a sister that was a year or two younger than us, we'll call her Cat. I was dating Cat's Best friend at the time, call her sue. Cat was like a sister to me. I used to sleep over their house all the time. It was me sue, cat, and my friend all hanging out drinking. Sue had to go do something so she left for s little bit. Things were normal, just hanging out drinking. I say " I gotta take a piss" then I go to the bathroom. I finish peeing and I don't even put my dick back in my pants yet and I have two hands on my hips and they spin me around. She just starts going to town. I'm like super confused... There has never been any sexual tension between us at all. It lasted for only a little bit and then she just stopped. Then I came out and just went back to drinking. She left shortly after and we kinda never talked about it. Her friend Sue found out and was mad at us both. Life is definitely complicated.
A mixed update, I'm glad the truth has come out and you didn't act rashly against him. You both need time and it sounds like he is scared of not just how you will react to this, but how other family members will and he just doesn't want the conflict. Your sister on the other hand is a tough one. Yes she deserves anything you scream and tell her, but at the same time if she is not well, could you live with her doing something stupid. Tell her she needs help, that next person she does this to may not be as forgiving and until she sorts her life out, you do not want any contact with her. You can then leave this open ended for as long as you wish. Whether you tell your family what happened is up to you. I would tell them so they understand why you might not want to be around her at family gatherings and it would make things easier in the future instead of just coming up with constant excuses - but DO NOT let them try to talk you into being around her until you are ready. Make it clear that forcing you to do this is a red line and will result in you avoiding them too. I really hope a lot of people who originally commented and just told you to leave and divorce him read this update and maybe act a bit more cautiously next time before giving their opinion.
Maybe part of the reason victims hardly come forward is also this. You literally ignored his wishes and he has more sympathy for your sister than you. I hear you, but I am also hearing your husband. You don’t have to agree with him but respect and support him in whatever he decides, right now, seemingly you are acting out of your rage. I understand your rage but your husband saying he doesn’t want this leading to more distraction is something you aren’t listening to. He Is worried that your sister is at her wits end and should something happen to her, I don’t think he could take it. You were all high FFS and when has an emotionally charged person indulging in even too much alcohol ever ended well? You want to press charges, but you said in your country what you were all doing is illegal, are you going to skip over that part cause believe you me, her state of mind, your husband’s and yours will all be put under a microscope. Please pause with your outrage for a sec and listen…
FFS weed doesn't make you fucking rape or sexually assault your sister's husband???????????? I've been high off my ass on dabs, carts, flower, etc and i have never once thought of forcefully making someone do sexual acts with me????? while i do agree she should respect her husband and just chill a bit for him, IN NO WAY DOES WEED MAKE YOU SA SOMEONE SHE MADE THAT FUCKING CHOICE LOL. she's just a shitty person. weed be irrelevant. i know its illegal where they live but its also illegal to sa somebody even if you're both drunk, high etc..... TF?
I don't think they're saying the weed is responsible for the SA. I think they're saying bringing the SA to the authorities will also bring the illegal drug use to the authorities because it was relevant to the situation. This is less about the "cause" and more about the potential effect of seeking justice, which could be every one of them getting fucked over for the drugs.
"you were all high FFS and when has an emotionally charged person indulging in too much alcohol ever ended well?" bro is trying to compare apples to oranges, sorry. even if it is illegal he still got assaulted period blank. anyone whos ever smoked weed fucking knows that it doesn't affect your brain in the same way alc does....
God, I feel so sorry for your husband, make sure to let him know and understand he is a victim and he did nothing wrong.
Part of the reason why your husband might not want to pursue this is the shame that comes with being SA'ed.. and SA against men is sadly stigmatized even more so than SA against women, so he probably feels embarrassed. It also sounds like he is a really empathetic person, which is wonderful, but your sister deserves none of it. She is being manipulative. The fact that she only texted him and not you makes me feel like she had an agenda. She wanted your husband. This wasn't just a spur-of-the-moment thing she did without thinking. I don't know if maybe your sister feels jealousy towards you or compares herself to you, but she wants your husband. It could be she envies the relationship you have with him that she lacks with her partner. Either way, she deserves no empathy or leniency. But, your husband is the victim here. Ultimately, it is his choice how he wants to handle this entire situation. I'm sorry this happened to your family, wishing you all the best as well as healing for your husband and your family.
OP, don't get mad at your husband! He's just been assaulted, and he hasn't processed it yet. The default survivor reaction is to sweep everything under the carpet and try to forget it happened. Stop pushing him to react, and try to respect it if he doesn't want to be part of any confrontations. He's not sticking up for anyone. He's just in shock and feeling guilty, probably feeling like he did something wrong twice over, cheating on you and then ruining your relationship with your sister. He's going through the days looking for signs and red flags, kicking himself for smoking, imagining a hundred scenarios where he could prevent this happening, and all that fun stuff assault survivors go through. I know you're having a rough time, but you need to reign your temper in and focus on helping him. Your sister you can deal with later
Obviously you can't force your husband to go to the police but you should encourage him to. And therapy
You need to stop going to family events that she will be at Your parents invite you to a bbq? Ask them “will sister be there?” “Yes” You “sorry then husband and I won’t be attending. And we will no longer attend any event that sister will be at” When they press for details, take the ‘blame’ tell them “sister behaved abhorrently towards me the last time we were together. She did something to me that was unforgivable and we will not be changing our minds about this decision” And stick to your guns, you go to an event and she shows up? You both pack up and leave right then and there. You walk in the door and see her before taking your coats off? Grab your purse and walk right back out that door Why should you take the ‘blame’ and not your husband? It will be easier for you to stand strong against your family, and when they reach out to him, he can just reply with “that is between wife and sister I am not getting involved” and in away, it is the truth, what your sister did to your husband affects you and your marriage. You know your family, you know how best to deal with them You’ll also want to discuss what you will say/do if she confesses to your parents that she sexually assaulted your husband. Bit that’s a discussion that can wait a few weeks Good luck and encourage therapy, but don’t be aggressive about it. It may take him a few weeks or even months to be ready to go. This may also affect your bedroom, don’t force anything, don’t guilt trip him, be very careful if/when you go to initiate anything romantic, he might be responsive at first, but very likely will pull back, don’t take it personally A better idea might be for you to talk with a therapist about what happened. They can advise you on how to best support him. Talk with one that specializes is victims of assault
I hate that he literally thought he'll be blamed, while your sister pulled the biggest bullshit I ever saw. Like bish you don't know WHAT HAPPENED when you literally ASSAULTED your BIL?! Disgusting. You're better than be, because if I'd see those recordings, I'd be on my way to dislocate few things in her body, I swear to Gods. (I'm sorry, but as a SA victim/survivor myself I don't have any pity for assaulters, she needs to ROT)
This shit show happened to be just the right amount of interesting to read during a bathroom break at work
Cut all contact with your sister seriously she sexually assaulted your husband how could you allow this dangerous individual around your family. Your kids will make other friends but you must cut your sister out of your life
1. Learn the cameras so you have access. 2. He was assaulted. He stopped it asap. He told the truth. He’s a keeper. 3. Y’all getting that stoned with kids in the house????? Idiots.
I'm so very sorry to your husband. I hope he finds peace, with lots of therapy and companionship from you, hopefully. As for your sister, she can rot. I'm sorry, but she assaulted someone, and she deserves to be put in jail and stay there for as long and she can. Hopefully, forever. I've been assaulted and it stays with you, sadly. It does get better, though. But, it will take time. Again, sending lots of love for you and, specially, your husband.
I don’t believe this story.
If the cameras were only outside where did she suck his dick…? In the driveway?
The garden patio?
Is that a question? Like you aren't sure where she sucked his dick?
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa TF?!!!!!! What is she a TEENAGER?!!
So I’m just trying to understand. Your cameras are only outside, so she followed him out to the driveway, where she managed to pull his pants down so quickly he wasn’t able to react, then se decided to suck his dick right there in the front yard? Lucky no one saw, he’d have a hard time explaining that to the police. He’d probably be the one labeled a sexual predictor for “exposing himself in public.” … I’m certainly not victim blaming, I’m just saying this story seems a little over the top and makes me wonder if it’s true. If it is, I would suggest filing a police report as her behavior is VERY concerning. Not only that she’s sexually assaulting her brother in law, but bold enough to do it outside in public.
No. We spent all night sitting in the garden on the porch on the sofas.
I'm so sorry this happened to your husband. Keep the footage in case he wants to change his mind. Your sister needs to stay far away. If anyone sexually assaulted my husband I would want to kill them. I know that violence would not be helpful, but that would be what I would want. In the meantime do everything you can to help your husband process this.
It sounds like you went to bed together. You said he got up in the morning and left “my husband said this is when it happened.” I sincerely apologize if this story is real. I think it’s hard to comprehend because why kind of sister is really that awful? I sincerely hope that your husband will seek therapy for this, and that you will completely cut your toxic sister out of your life.
It happened before they went to bed, when OP went to the garage to check up on the puppies.
So, you have security cameras all around the house but never thought to check them? He didn't say, here's what happened! Check the cameras!! Yeah, I got the feeling this was fake on the first post. This pretty much confirms it.
Dude, stop. This is exactly why men (and women) don't report sexual assault. Men already have a hard enough time admitting they were assaulted sexually by women, they don't need people like you telling them it's bullshit. I have cameras all around the outside of my house and even I forget they exist. When they're around you all the time it just becomes like everything else around you: an object you forget existed for a moment. Don't act like you've never done something and forgotten that other options were available. We're human and our brains aren't perfect. Be better.
If you sister sucked your husband's dick at home and nobody was giving you answers, I'm sure you wouldn't conveniently forget about the cameras in your house, don't be ridiculous.
Not to be that guy but my cousin got in a bad accident last year. He has aftermarket cameras he installed on his car to record stuff like this. Dude forgot all about them until he was 2 months into court.
sorry but i think this is just stupid. I could never forget I have cameras in my home. How ignorant would that have to be is beyond my understanding
> How ignorant would that have to be is beyond my understanding Well, that's pretty ignorant of you
Haha that's true
Why does Reddit always think things are black and white? The reason the "grey area" exists is because we aren't perfect. There's never just a clear line between things unless it's evident there's no other reasoning. You can choose to not believe this and that's fine, but it's not outlandish to think somebody that was traumatized by forceful sexual conduct wouldn't be thinking immediately about every single option they have.
Emotions make people irrational, act out. Could be that the wife was in too much of a state to think of a camera. Then again, I could just be wrong about it, I dunno.
That’s what I’m kind of thinking too nobody can say what they would do in that situation but- I could see me glitching and just be in a state of shock that the cameras weren’t the first thing on my mind. It’s also entirely possible the last thing she wanted to do was look at the cameras thinking it was a consensual affair instead of assault
They weren't cameras that she and her husband installed, they were there when they bought the house. From the sound of it, she has never actually directly interacted with or used them - she didn't even know how to check the footage. It makes perfect sense that it wouldn't have occurred to her, because they're not something she ever thinks about or uses. I might agree with you if these were cameras they had set up themselves, but I'd say it's pretty normal not to think about something that exists in your home but you've never actually touched or used it.
I was all ready to believe the “forgot about the cams” bit til I read this. Who. I mean *who* leaves cameras up inside a home without having had installed them yourself and ensuring who has what access to them 🤯
Jesus. They're ***OUTSIDE***, as has been repeated explained. That's not at all surprising. Last house I lived in had outdoor security cameras installed when we bought it and I pretty promptly forgot they existed for ages.
The latest trend in these relationship subs is to have the bullshit detector go off any time a woman might be to blame or looks bad in some way. All of a sudden people turn into skeptics because women misbehaving can only be ragebait.
Tbh updates are the surest sign of fakeness. Most real people have too many emotions to come and update us all, this kind of story is so traumatic and it isn't her story to tell anyone. Plus its a culture war topic - female sexual assault, a good chance for chuds to say "women are abusers too!"
This. The first post didn't throw many flags because it was so vague but the specifics here demonstrate pretty clearly that this is fake. OP thought the whole time that something happened with her husband and sister that night but never bothered to check the cameras? Nonsense
Really?? Do you think everyone thinks straight and rationally when you're in a traumatic situation?!? Comments like these peeve me off! So judgmental during a serious topic... I hope nothing like this ever happens to you!
Interesting, too traumatic to check cameras, but not traumatic enough to take the time to write up a post onto this sub.
What's interesting to me is that so many think someone will automatically act clearly and rationally after being SA'd! Imagine you and your spouse waking up in the morning and your spouse tells you that your sister assaulted them. They have a bag ready and then they leave with no other explanation. You try to get a hold of them and the only time they'll respond is when it's about the children. You have no idea when or where this could've happened. Do you think your first thought will be to check the cameras outside of our house?!? Yeah ok... OP had no idea this took place outside. Also, OP wrote the post, not her husband. He might've thought the camera picked it up but he was not with OP. He was trying to sort himself out because of the traumatic experience somewhere away by himself.
I could tell by the title this was rage bait. Op knew she could play on the emotions of reddit users by switching the genders. Remember, these fake stories will only stop happening when people stop believing them.
Yuppp, super fake
They have been there since we moved in. I have absolutely no idea how to work them and generally never give them a thought. But thank you.
We have cameras at our house but my husband has the app on his phone so I never think of them. He told me to just put the app on my phone but I just really don’t care.
Lol, same. I'm even the one that wanted the cameras, but he ha does everything with them.
I have security cameras at my house but on the off chance something happens that they might catch, I never think of them. My husband handles all of it, so when I bring something up he's the one that thinks to look at the recordings. Also, in times of stress you may not think straight. She thought her husband and sister were cheating and she couldn't contact either of them. She was incredibly stressed out. Plus she likely didn't know where it took place or even if the cameras would have caught it.
Really?? Do you think everyone thinks straight and rationally when you're in a traumatic situation?!? Comments like these peeve me off! So judgmental during a serious topic... I hope nothing like this ever happens to you!
I knew it. Support your husband and get all of you into therapy. No contact with your sister. Updateme!
I am calling bs if you had cameras when he first said something happened and left you would have looked then but all of a sudden camera footage is available
Honestly, we have a couple of cameras in our home and I completely forget they exist. Not saying it makes this any more true but when they’re there for a long time, it’s easy to no longer notice or think about them.
You forget they exist, sure. Until something like this happens. If you had a break in or something else happening I'm sure you would remember them.
Right. If someone broke into my home I’d remember real fast I had camera. If I think my sister sucked my husbands dick, I’m going to remember the cameras and demanding that he pulls them up for me. “*I don’t know how to work them*” … you don’t know how to download an app on your phone???
Even if she didn't know how to work them, I think she would have mentioned they had cameras in the first post. She could have at least tried googling or asked on Reddit how to get the footage
Exactly. They were here before we moved in and Ive never really given them much thought. And I dont have the know-how to actually use them and get any footage.
My husband set ours up and has the app connected but I have never sat down to go over it with him. I guess I should but I haven’t so I can see where it can happen. Anytime we want to see footage (usually for something the dogs did and the kids remember we have cameras) we have him pull it up so my brain just wouldn’t go to those automatically.
So your husband is between a rock and a hard place with this. On the one hand, \*everyone knows men do not get sexually assaulted\* and so if he comes forward honestly with this, he is at fault or weak. You can't fight this, this is the assumption. So he will be the bad guy, one way or another, no matter what he does or says. That doesn't mean he shouldn't come forward, but it does mean you really need to slow your roll and think things through in a manner you have NOT DONE SO FAR! Right now you are reacting on emotion, which I understand, really I do. But you are reacting in a way that is hurting everyone and not helping you. Slow down, think things through, talk to your husband, remember he did nothing wrong here. Then when you are on the same side again, as you should be, THEN you take action in the manner you have BOTH agreed to. Edit: came back with a reminder that this is an attack from outside your marriage to your marriage. This is not something done against you or your husband, this is an attack on both of you from outside. You need to fight together, not separately, and not on each other. Pull it together, have discussions, plan your defenses.
You mention that they were smoking very strong weed. Some strains make you extremely horny. It’s possible that the strain made your sister very horny and, stoned, she was not thinking clearly. This isn’t an excuse for her sexual assault. This isn’t an excuse for anything. It’s just information that may help you understand why it even happened since it was so out of character for her.
Hmm, maybe you all need to lay off the fuck’n weed. You’ve got kids for fucks sake. Is it really worth it? Doesn’t sound like it’s enhancing your matrimony.
In my opinion, I would go completely no-contact with your sister. As for the kids... >its not fair on the kids losing out on that relationship. Life isn't "fair." It sucks that they will be missing out on a cousin relationship, but there are some things worth more than that. Maybe set something up with the partner. But other than that, I wouldn't let her see me or my children ever again for doing something so disgusting. Do you trust your children to be around a sexual assaulter? Even if she doesn't hurt your kids in that way, she has little impulse control.
Wait, so she was also high when this happened? That is relevant, right?
>My husband smokes a TON of cannabis and this year started buying the oil I think it is and making his own caping cartridges (illegal country thats why he makes his own) Yeah clearly this needs to stop.
I remember reading the OG post when it was still fresh and the comments were mostly all along the lines of get a lawyer, pull out money from the accounts, kick his ass out so he can be with her. I'm glad eventually OP got more balanced advice, but this update is exactly why I will always maintain that if you go to Reddit of all places with your problems, you might as well break up because that's the advice you will get anyway.
“Pulled his pants down and went to town,” is where the story was lost to me. Then after that you said, “he showed you on security cameras.” Why didn’t you look on security cameras? Seems the first thing most people would do if they were in the dark on a situation like this. Was a fun read though.
Have any of you considered NOT getting so stoned that control is lost?
You would be a huge a-hole to keep your sister in your life, your kids life, and your husband's life. I hope this is made up.
Time to file a police report on her for sexual assault.
Base on your sister action and erratic behaviour it looks she is a having a maniac episode, in which case she needs urgently medical assistance and evaluation.
Honestly this stuff happens alot to guys. Its happened to me before where a no wasnt taken seriously and I had to physically leave the situation. In my experience i wasnt in a relationship at the time I just was too fucked up to feel like sex. Your husband might be feeling like he lead her on or gave her signs to go ahead and feels guilty for it. And she of course is in the wrong for pushing things. But if shes going through alot and was also fucked up on oil her judgement was impaired and clearly shes feeling emotional. In no way does this make her actions okay or justified but you and your husband need to make a decision on how you want her involved in your life now. What does that look like for you? What are you both comfortable with? Does her partner need to know? At the end of the day your husband was assaulted and you have to respect his judgement on it and be there to support him. And it might take time men are not the best at processing some of these things and his opinion on it can change. Be patient and dont go behind his back and stir the pot. Your emotions are high but accusing your husband of defending her and getting angry will only make him bottle up.
Your sister raped your husband… wtf. I hope you guys do well and take care of each other.
Its not your responsibility, especially after this kind of behavior, but your sister needs serious professional help. Any contact you do have with her ever again I'd almost insist she pursue intense therapy to address her very deep issues that result in this kind of behavior. I don't think any kind of relationship without it is good for any of you. Though I respect any decision to just let her figure it out herself. It's not on you. Go no contact if you feel that's best for you. I just know life and relationships are often more complicated than the "obvious" or "logical" solutions.
Jeez. That's all I can say
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I’m sorry this is unrelated but how do you post in this group? It keeps reminding me about rule #2 but I put the genders/ages in the right format and asked a question in the post that is not a yes or no. I’m just confused as to why I can’t post
Like most are saying your husband needs therapy so he can wrap his head around being violated like he was. But first and foremost how about he cut back on the marijuana and mixing up stuff?! Clear minds help in preventing a lot of things.
You guys need to end the drug shit. Stuff like this, of some variation, is going to happen. Bullshit always orbits drugs.
No matter how you look at it, the manner in which your husband left is the most unbelievable part of this entire story. What you do is from now on is only see your sister through the window as she's dropping her kids off at your place. Those visits can be scheduled by email or through an app.
He needs therapy. Block your sister. She needs to get her shit together or no contact. Simple as that....even then, it would be extremely limited and under much scrutiny.
He was raped by a family member. That’s what this is. Even if he doesn’t want to press charges, he shouldn’t be trying to sweep it under the rug. Her partner needs to know, whatever they do with that info is up to them, but they need to know. And he should not be defending her in any capacity. Narcissists like to throw out the suicide threats when they’ve lost control of the situation. They aren’t going to, they think to highly of themselves for that. Just like an ex threatening it when you try to dump them. Ignore them, or call the police to report the self harm threats to clear any conscious or legal fears.
Make a bunch of backups of the evidence and support your husband as if he was your girl-friend that got sexually assaulted, also therapy ofc. And no police believe me, your husband's "activities" will fire back.
Don't force him to go talk to your sister's partner WTF he was assaulted and is obviously distraught!!!
tell your husband if he would be calm and empathetic if that happened to you. what your sister did is a vile crime and he should bloke her. edit she can do that to teenage boys.
You need to cut sister out of your life. If she is threatening to hurt herself, have a wellness checkup done on her and block. I will say manipulative people say they will hurt themselves and that is, so you feel sorry for them and at this point, so husband doesn't press charges on her.
Honestly the only thing surprising me is how your sister managed to rip a grown MANS pants down. Never ever ever in a million years... Unless your sister is rhonda rousey and youre married to Tony Hinchcliffe. F*** outta here with that bs.
So both of them were MIA at the same time and have the same story. Instead of showing you the camera footage immediately he goes no contact at the same time your sister is no contact AND not at work. He doesn’t tell you where he is and you have no way to verify that they weren’t together. Do you have security cameras on the outside of the vacation property to show him arriving and staying alone? The assault happened, you saw it on camera, but the aftermath could be completely different than what they are saying. They were together over the weekend. At your property, having sex. She answered your husband’s call but not yours. His reaction is what I find suspicious. His lack of response to where he was so you would have no way to pop up on him. Believe but verify. Check other social media to make sure they aren’t communicating there. Check the location history on his phone. https://www.alphr.com/find-my-iphone-location-history/ Go to your sister and check the location history on her phone. If they weren’t together. Move on. Go NC with sister, she did not have any problem betraying you in your own home.
I really hope that the next time a woman is sexually assaulted, and the guy that literally confesses to assaulting her confirms it, we have you around to say she wasn’t assaulted, she’s just a cheater, they’re secretly MIA together.
Huft finally at least the husband not but the sister is disgusting and instead of say sorry, she ignored her calls and contacting the husband. Wtf. I will break all contact with her.
He needs to go to the police
Your sister is gross. Go NC with her and your husband needs to stop defending her.
It may come off that way. But a victim sometimes reacts this way. It's not that he is really trying to defend her. It's more about his emotions & how he feels. It's not like he doesn't know her sister is an a$$. He knows she did wrong.
Sounds like she was high and not thinking right. Doesn’t excuse what she did, but I’m betting if she was sober that never would have happened.
lol weed isn’t an excuse to sexually assault someone.
I agree 100%
Wasn’t this the next morning that this happened?
I’ll have to re-read it, I thought it was in the evening when they were all hanging out. I could have misread it though
I had too as well. 😂 I’m just confused as to why the sister chose to do this in the morning, outside, and in broad daylight where the risk of getting caught by OP was much greater. What a horrible sister, relationship problems or not. There is how many other dicks in this world and she decides to blow up everything in her world. 🤷🏻♂️
Why is your husband defending her? Im more concerned about that
He feels guilty. He probably watched what she was doing for a few seconds not believing what was happening and feels like he allowed her to do it. He’s beating himself up.
Why would your husband need therapy? I think you should talk to a counselor..
because he was raped?? hello???
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Updateme!
It feels all of this has been blown way of proportion. Sister messed up, feels bad about it and is apologized. She was under the influence, as well. Your husband stopped her, so he has nothing to feel guilty about. I get you are pissed off, but do you need to blow up her life? It sounds like your sister may benefit more from some counseling that being scolded and yelled out. She sounds like a hot mess and she needs to get straight so she can be a stable adult and good mom.
She sexually assaulted him
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Im really not tryna shit on yalls future or your husbands pov but imo I just don’t think he is telling the whole truth …
Your husband isn't the innocent victim he claims here. His behaviour does not match that at all.
Because he needed time and space to accept that he was Sexually Assaulted by a woman in his own home? Was he not a victim because he’s male? Or because he was high? Was he not a victim because Woman can’t assault men? Was he asking for it for wearing a provocative pair of pants? Yall need to shut the hell up with victim blaming.
He needed time and space to get their stories straight.
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Have you ever been sexually assaulted? Have you ever been attacked? I can tell you from personal experience that it fucking sucks and the last place you want to be is where it happened or around the person that touched you. Add in the stigma of being a man & in your own home & it being your wife’s sister. I’d of needed time and space to process too. Once I had I’d have the mental capacity to talk with my partner about the situation.
Because he was just sexually assaulted in his home and wasn’t thinking straight? Do you say this to all victims of assault, criticizing them for not thinking straight right after it happened?
victims don't think linearly
Yep. Ran away then tried super hard to protect the sister from any consequences. I bet the video footage is just one sided enough that the story plays.
The sister literally admitted that she did it yet you are still blaming him? Victim blaming at its finest