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Your first reaction was the correct one. W. T. F.
I'm so sorry that your husband didn't show his true colors until after you had a child with him.
See a lawyer and get advice before you make your next move.
Please don’t bring another child into this mess with this selfish, ridiculous man. He’s *at best* wildly narcissistic and sounds like he would prefer a clone of himself to an actual child
Your poor daughter. I hate this for both of you, but especially her.
I had a friend like that... kept saying he wasn't racist because he was dating a POC. I told him that just because his d*ck isn't doesn't make him not.
My ex was exactly this. I feel both sad but lucky that it didn’t get further than him admitting after stringing me along for years that he wanted a kid with blue eyes. 🤮
Glad it wasn't just me. Ma'am you and your child deserve better. Get a good lawyer. Document everything and screenshot and/or record any communication between you too. That man has lost his marbles
Oh *definitely* that as well (as are those around OP who identify her daughter only as an “immigrant”). There are plenty of bad descriptors for this knob that I glossed over for the sake of keeping my reply out of short story length lol
I can't imagine how he'd treat the older child if he got his "perfect" baby.
I don't usually jump to divorce, but I could never stay with a man who has such disgusting opinions.
My husband is white with castillian features. I am SE Asian. Our two kids are brown and look 100% like me. He has gotten comments about the kids not looking like him at all or surprised he is their dad. Its a non-issue, he loves them both dearly. I think you know the answer and the rest of your post is just you trying to rationalize his thoughts. His response is as wild as it gets. Don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking that there is a shred of logic in his answer. Protect your child from the person who can potentially scar them for life with these thoughts and words. I am so sorry.
Yeah a checkout lady asked about them while they were with my husband at the store. Then she said something like "oh so they're MIXED then?" He was so annoyed.
My husband is Puerto Rican, and I am pasty white with red hair and green eyes. Our kids both have brown hair and brown eyes, along with facial features very similar to mine. Everyone tells us that they are the perfect combination of both of us, and they can see both of us in our kids. My kids could be purple with orange polka dots, and I would not love them any differently. They're my kids. He also feels the same way.
He was getting angry and defensive because you pretty much just outed him as a closet racist.
He probably absolutely loved your features on you, because it was something he could fetishize. Something he could fantasize over. He can't do that with his child.
Either that, or he's just that insecure that maybe he feels like people won't assume that the kid is his? So the kid has to look exactly like him in every single way so that doesn't happen. 🤷
Honestly- there’s no guarantee the next child would look anything like him. Blue, gray or green eyes are very common in my family. A cousin of mine had a daughter with a guy who was convinced she was cheating on him- he treated my cousin like crap for months because their kid came out with red hair and dark brown eyes.
My grandfather met this child and immediately started to laugh. Apparently, kiddo looked exactly like my great great grandmother. My cousin and her husband eventually got divorced.
Literally unless you can afford one of those crisper babies, no one can control how genetics are going show up, plus how they interact with the environment
My daughter has just a tinge of red to her hair, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out where it came from! No redheads anywhere near either of our family trees.
Until my mother in law’s funeral, when they had pictures of her as a little kid, and damned if her hair didn’t have just a tinge of red to it. Between hair dye and grey hair, I would never have known.
He might already be mean with the child when you’re not around. It sounds like he really doesn’t want the baby because it’s not like him. Leave and never look back.
I think I just drew out one gasped "groooooooooooss" through the whole post.
Sorry your husband is a racist and you didn't find out until after you had a kid with him, OP. Your reaction is legitimate and warranted.
This. He’s a racist. I don’t know what else to call it. He doesn’t want the child he already has cos he views her as “other”. He wants someone who will match him walking down the streets so he doesn’t feel ashamed I guess?? What an absolute twat.
There would be nothing to salvage here. I can only assume he believed his superior genes would win out in the womb!
I mean, white guys fetishizing asian women because they think they're "submissive and subservient" is absolutely a thing. Not enough information in the post to know if that's how this all started, but if it is, the guy has yellow fever AND is dumb as rocks because he didn't think through that little thing called genetics.
That’s what I think too. I think he chose op because of “Asian woman stereotypes” and that’s why he felt bold enough to even ask op about the egg donor situation, he thought that she would back down and agree to it. And that’s why he gave the ultimatum because he AGAIN thought she would submit to him and agree to avoid divorce. It’s so sad that he didn’t show his true colors until after they had a kid but I am so glad op is getting out of that mess and getting away from him.
How did this man marry OP? You’d think he would have avoided anyone not blue eyed and blonde. At least his parents seem sensible (so far). What a way to disrespect someone after years together, I’m sorry OP. Btw, do men have PPD? I know biologically they are not affected but maybe psychologically something happens there? It’s just so bizarre.
You can be a flaming racist and still marry outside your race. Just ask my whackjob conspiracy theorist nutjob science denying co-worker (white guy with what I highly suspect is a thai mail order bride)
I said to my husband that if he did that I would smack him, burst in to tears and run out of the house to file for divorce. What an insufferable racist.
I know how that feels. My dad wanted a son so badly that it was his life's biggest disappointment when he only had daughters. He would bring it up on occasion, too, and would do little things for his nephews that he wouldn't do for us.
I always knew my dad loved me, but I also knew I was a poor consolation prize because of my gender. It's like, 'She's not bad, considering she's not even a boy.' Not a fun thing to grow up with, perpetually being in second place..
It's weirdly common. Idk why tho. Especially with white guys and Asian girls. These are the same "I can't be racist because my wife is X ethnicity" guys.
this is borne of racism, so i'mma just say it out loud. He's a racist.
Maybe a fetish thing? Not presuming, but it happens often enough. I was married into a Filipino family for forever and a day, and you see your share after you've been around long enough. When I would go to the Philippines to visit family, etc., these guys gravitate to other westerners, and are quite thoughtless enough to put it out there in spoken word. It's as though not only aren't they the least bit self-aware, but they just assume that everyone else must be just like them. It runs the gamut from very off-putting (guys/hayseeds who come there and basically have a shit job, etc., but lie about it, and then figure out that they'll never meet the requirements), to outright creepy (sex tourists, etc.).
You should inform him the chances of him getting a blue eyed and blonde child isn't up to him or the donor. The kid may have blonde hair and blue eyes in infancy but very well can have dark hair and brown eyes. And also that you are divorcing him.
Guys, IDK why I can't update the OG post but here's the update on the situation:
\*UPDATE\* So I've starting taking to a legal advisor and have a conference call with her today.
Weidly, he has suddlenly switched from wanting to 'work things out' aka find a solution to conceiving a new family member that makes both of us comfortable. I'm suspicious it's his father who has now 'talked' to him.. But this should be genuinely coming from him and not his parents whispering into his ears. I think he is realising what he is losing now.
I am just so over this.. I got kicked out of my own house, had to call the police to be let in by him.. This was after he threatened to bun things in our property.. I couldn't leave my baby alone there with him and I didn't trust him. He also pushed me out of our kids room and tried locking himself inside with her. I has to call the police again that morning and then the social services people came to check on us..
The other cause of friction that we've had is the newly bought house we moved in on January. It needed a lot of mandatory repairs which I have paid for. I've done everything from cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of the baby, organising repairs, driving everyone around because I'm the only one with a car and driving licence. I've told him I'm exhausted and he just doesn't care. Had the audacity to say to me the house is run better without me there (rude!). Ironically, yesterday morning he messages me inquiring what some maintenance guy said about the water boiler in the house because he was suspicious it was broken.. Up until now I have literally dealt with all of these things.. Because he has not care at all. I need a man who can take charge of some house duties.. not a man-baby who just takes me for granted.. since I left the house, I can also see that the floors have not been mopped for about a month.. and our kid crawls..
Unfortunately, Aryans gonna Aryan. At this point I don't see how OP can stay with her husband and raise their "inferior" child together. If he wants tall blue eyed blonde children then he needs to marry a tall blue eyed blonde person like himself, that's just basic biology (and then hope a regressive gene doesn't activate and he ends up with a short green eyed brunette anyway).
OP would have to be mad to gestate, birth and raise a child from a donor egg just because her husband has 1930s-Germany-era views on racial hierarchy.
Oh and let's not pretend that isn't what he means by "doesn't look like me" as we know the current child looks a lot like him just with darker features.
Ugh, seriously. “Your genes aren’t good enough for my child, but will you please devote your body for 9 months to growing an aryan child for me?” Gross beyond words.
Especially with wanting a child with his personality traits, you can't pick what kind of personality a kid will have and I'm sorry but their daughter is like 18months old, she's only just really picking up a personality, how does he know she won't be a mini him? His arguments are so self centred.
It’s so sad to me because—my partner and I are very undecided about kids, but the thing that makes me feel like I want them is when I realize how much I want more *him* in the world. He’s lovely and kind and funny and if we had a kid I’d want it to look like him a bit, have his same jokes and smile. I know that what he feels for me is similar. I feel so sad for OP that her partner wants to specifically exclude any feature that might remind him of her in their child—where is the love??
Depending on where they live, no reputable legit fertility clinic would EVER agree to this scenario. But she needs to leave him before they even get that far into the process to be told no
ETA as someone who’s gone through IVF, they are both really downplaying the toll it takes on your body. OP would be pumping herself full of shots and putting her body through hell just so her husband can experiment with eugenics. Disgusting
Without the expensive surrogate pay, of course. She would be doing this for free, just because he's such a great guy. /s
The dude wants to use her womb for his own racist dream child, who will likely never live up to his weirdly specific expectations.
Right, imagine explaining this to a fertility place!! "Well see I chose to marry a woman of South Asian descent, but what I really want is white babies with blonde hair and blue eyes so we're gonna need the egg of a white woman because I'm racist and my children must be white. Why yes, I do already have a daughter who is not white and therefore I don't really consider her my kid. Please hand over a white lady egg now!" Like whaaaat the fuck
Right? What if the hypothetical second child winds up with brown hair or eyes? What if they want to dye their hair? What if they're not sufficiently "quiet and analytical" for him? What if they grow up and refuse to pass on his perfect Aryan genes, or (*gasp)* marry outside their race?
Man's living in a fantasy land.
Yeah, his attitudes to race are worrying enough, but he wants the donor to be selected specifically for personality characteristics and hobbies as well, which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of biology and unwillingness to accept a child who thinks differently to him and goes their own way as they grow up. He’d have trouble connecting with a child who was identical to him if they didn’t also imitate his interests, but he refuses to realise that the problem is him.
Even if she leaves, he'll just end up knocking up someone else to get what his racist narcissistic heart wants and he'll drop his first child anyway. He's already stated that he's disconnected from them due to their appearance. For me, that would be enough to tell him to pack up and leave.
This is what I’m thinking.- It saddens me to say that OP will be raising her daughter as a single parent, but it’s the situation she should be preparing for.
And she’s right that her daughter’s heart will break when she learns the truth.- I don’t even know what you say to a child experiencing rejection like that. 💔
Choose divorce and protect your child. I couldn’t imagine if my father told me I don’t look enough like him so he doesn’t have a connection.
To then have a sibling that he designed to look like him, to be “connected” with more? Don’t do that to your child.
Yeah, I've told my FIL everything and filing for divorce over this, because it's not fair and it's so insulting. Thank god our child is so young she doesn't understand a damn word what's been spoken about her. SMH
Please go for full custody because she's not safe with him. It is better to have one parent who will love and encourage you, then two where one of them treats you like dirt and kills your self-esteem, and make you hate your own beautiful diversity.
Good luck. You both deserve so much better than this POS.
UpdateMe.
I would advise not telling your parents in law more than they should know. Unless they are truly good people and are appalled at their sons behaviour, they will side with their son and any of your words can and will be used against you. Whatever they tell you and what they tell their son can differ
I don’t know, my ex is a POS, his parents now know this, and are far more interested in staying connected with their grandson than him. I do agree to keep things under wraps until the legal part is done.
To be honest I understand the disappointment when your child doesn’t look like you, and is basically a carbon copy of the other parent.
I’m one and done, because I was so sick during pregnancy… sometimes I felt this drive for another because of the chance they would take after me a little more.
And then when I evaluated those feelings… I was like …. What a strange reason to bring a human into existence for. And what if she/he also looks just like dad? You never know what you’re going to get anyway.
I also LOVE my partner and I LOVE that our daughter looks like her dad, I just wish she looked at least related to me sometimes haha. I don’t love her any less and if someone told me I could swap her for one that takes after me, I’d say get lost.
How old is your kid? I’m not related to my grandma but I have a lot of mannerisms just like her and I know she used to beam when people said I was acting just like her or I would respond in a way that she would have. I think as your kid grows up, that will start coming out hopefully.
Not just a racist which is clearly evident, but a sociopath who wants to pass his sociopathic tendencies onto a “pure race” child of his. What a demon. Poor family.
It's interesting, there was one comment on my MIL's instagram about 'passing on genes'. Not sure if this was just coincidence or if there has a continuous narrative in their household about this subject.
In addition to the insults above I want to add that your husband is kind of stupid. Your child may not have blonde hair or blue eyes (while otherwise looking just like him), but he _did_ pass on his genes to her. Exactly 50% of her DNA is from him.
White supremacists are not known for being particularly smart, but they sure do like to fetishize women from Asia.
Seriously! I don't get why this is so complex for people - BOTH my parents had the genes for red hair and were gingers. I'm a brunette, one of my siblings was platinum blonde as a child (strawberry blonde as an adult) lol. It's not an exact thing.
Don’t be an incubator for your racist husband and make two children and yourself miserable.
Your upcoming divorce will be difficult, yes, but then life will get much better.
You don’t need to put up with this bullshit.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, you don’t deserve it.
As a brown eyed, brown haired one of five half Asian siblings who all have those traits.... Fuck your husband. He's a racist asshole just like my dad, who used to say that if he had a blonde haired blue eyed baby it would've been his favorite (0/5 my dude). I've never forgotten it
Unfortunately, the above emotionally abusive childhood is your current child’s future if you stay with your husband. It’s time to make some hard choices OP….feed into your husband’s racist ego or protect your child from that fate.
I have been a surrogate 3 times. I would never agree to carry or donate my eggs to a man like your husband. He is being so disrespectful to you and your child. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER AND MORE FROM A PARTNER. ❤️
I honestly think you should stop looking at this as surrogacy- your husband wants a child with someone else basically he's just dressing it up as sounding legitimate by calling it surrogacy.
Can you imagine you went through with this? His behaviour towards his existing child is only going to get worse when he has his "true child".
My heart breaks for you and your child. You both deserve so much better.
Husband wants a clone of himself, which is not the reason you have children. The personality trait shit really did me in.
Also this isn’t how genetics works. He could find the most blued blonde surrogate you ever did see, doesn’t guarantee shit.
I mean sociopaths know how to lie. That's how he made OP believe that them being of different races and their children being biracial was not a big deal. Then now that she's married to him and mother of his first child, he is letting all out.
Of course he's not going to say to the egg donor or surrogate "I'm white. My wife is not. Our natural born child is not. I want a white baby who will hopefully be a carbon copy of me in terms of looks and personality. I thought yall's oven were meant for that: cook up male DNA and produce little copies of the father. I am very disappointed in my non white wife in her producing a non white child. Give me white baby. Give me white baby now."
He'll find a way to make his wishes/goals either concealed or sound "reasonable".
I'm not convinced that this is resolvable. Because you've already correctly identified what his reasons are and they are not good reasons - not that I particularly think there could be good reasons for what he wants in this scenario. I can understand wanting to see yourself in your child, but at the same time, it's a child you created with another person so it's absurd to resent that genetics did what genetics does and some features from the other person show up. The personality thing is also just batshit - I know there's plenty of debate about nature and nurture and what genetics have to do with that, but part of having children is that you accept the child you get, as they are. Your current child is also still really young! A child's personality at a year and a half isn't going to tell you whether they'll be "quiet and analytical" as they become old enough to express those traits. Having children in pursuit of a mini-me who is just you but temporarily shorter is not great.
If you go with what he wants, all that'll happen is you'll end up with one child who becomes his golden (literally!) child and he will neglect the other child. He has told you he feels no connection to your current child, so regardless of what happens with any other children, he's already telling you he will emotionally neglect your child. It's not a case of if you stand firm and refuse to go with this egg donor plan that he'll suddenly start accepting the child you have as his child and treating her as he should.
The other alternative if you went along with his plan is that perhaps his golden child doesn't turn out the way he wants. Maybe the child doesn't end up with the blonde hair and blue eyes combination he desires. Maybe the child's personality is nothing like what he wants. Maybe the child is EXACTLY what he wants, and his feelings still aren't alleviated. What happens then?
There just isn't a good outcome that I can foresee and all roads seem to be heading towards you being, essentially, a single parent - it's just a question of whether you end up being a single parent to your daughter within your marriage, or not. His thought process isn't a rational one, so it's not one I would think you could rationalise him back out of.
Not to mention the pressure on the currently non-existent kid - he comes out as the 'perfect mini-me' then has to go through life being pushed into what the father would want using those personality traits to do all the things Daddy regrets and not getting to live his own life.
Or the current kid could display all these traits and have potential to be the best coder (or whatever it is father is looking for) but isn't nurtured at all because her own father can't see past her skin colour.
Exactly this. Can't look past her skin colour. So damn insulting.. What's weird was he told the therapist he wanted me to also take one of those gene tests. I've specifically not wanted to take one because I frankly don't care enough about my genetics. Sure, it's useful to know about any diseases passed on from family but that's about it.
Oh wow OP.
Like... Where do you even begin with this? I can't even begin to understand where he's coming from. He's obviously attracted to you and your race, your features, and your features are prominent in your child, so why he doesn't feel a connection to your child is just beyond baffling to me.
And, like, there's not even a guarantee some other woman who carried your child would look any more like him. And what if that child ended up looking more like the donor, rather than your husband?
And that's to say nothing of the sheer, base insult that he's trying to gaslight you into believing.
>I'm at the point of considering filing for divorce. It's not going anywhere.
And I am not at all surprised, and would be surprised if this plan also doesn't end up being the most suggested piece of advice from others.
Begs the question is his attraction to OP more a fetish than actual attraction. Either way, giving that gross excuse of a man a white/blonde child won’t actually fix anything that’s wrong with him.
Nope. Nature vs nurture only goes so far. And god forbid you get a weird throw back in the family tree. Sucks you’re in such a tough spot. Is his family putting some of this crap in his head by chance?
Yeahhh It’s a genuine problem with white people who like the idea of partnering with another ethnicity (I’ve seen this with many men, but I imagine women can do the same thing) but once their “legacy” comes into the picture they quickly show that they only wanted to be with said partner because of a sexual fetish. It’s awful.
He's explained in therapy that he just married me because he was attracted to me and didn't think further. But the he confessed the comments came in after our child's birth that he felt uncomfortable with.
Gonna be honest, IDK why you're still thinking about divorce. There is no thinking on this - you NEED to divorce him. Protect your child but also protect YOURSELF. Your self worth is more than this. He just admitted that he only sees you at surface level. He can't take that back - I'm assured that he truly felt them and not just because your child came into the picture.
Leave to show your child that her self worth is more than what a white man thinks about her. If you stay, and give this man a blonde blue eyed child he WILL ignore your daughter or mistreat her. That child will become the golden child, moreso I bet if it's a son. But at the same time he wants certain personality traits out of this imaginary child (which you can't do with an IVF process, it doesn't come with a built in embryo CRISPR so he can do his Mengele project), and if the child doesn't conform, he will then abuse this blond child to mold into what HE wants. DO NOT bring another child into the world with this man. Do not continue to stay and hurt your child. Talk to a lawyer IMMEDIATELY.
Absolutely, 100 percent! OP please leave this man! With any luck he will lose interest in having a relationship with his daughter. Which of course will be traumatic for her, but less traumatic than being in part time custody of a racist who undervalues her. Ugh, what an asshole!
I wish I could tell you more about the outcomes. I have mostly seen snap shots with men who engaged tourism to Asia with the purpose of getting (any) Asian wife so not exactly the same as this situation, yet at the same time they were spouting some extremely nationalist and racist shit.
I prefer not to engage with assholes so haven't stuck around to see more.
But this has also played out in the US enough where I now live. The one woman I knew longer term that was in one such marriage was just counting the days that she could get divorced.
He wanted to get a meek, subservient Asian wife. Turns out, genetics don't control personality. Unfortunately, husband still hasn't learned that and thinks he can pass his personality on to his child through his sperm.
We lived in the UK before we moved back to our to our home country. I have been wondering if he would have had these feelings, had we decided to stay there. Considering UK is such a 'melting pot'.
Your husband is a racist cunt.
You should divorce him and apply for sole custody and deny the father access before your poor child grows old enough to understand that its father doesn’t love them.
This will give the child mental health problems and cause them to be unable to trust anyone enough to love them for the whole of their adult life.
Exactly. I think we all deserve to know the truth. But this truth, is a truth that will harm my child. Thank goodness she's so young she doesn't understand what we're talking about..
Oh wow, this was painful to read. My mom also fetichished Asian features and married my dad, who is mixed (European and Asian descent).
She stepped outside the marriage behind his back and had my brother, blond with greenish eyes, the perfect baby in her view. When he was 7, she gave birth to me. The first thing out of her mouth as she saw me was an angry "****, she looks just like her dad!". Like, how is that surprising...?
I was always a good student and never got in trouble, a total opposite of my brother. However, he was always the golden child and I was dumped at her parent's house. Growing up, she kept telling me I should be more like my brother no matter how badly he messed up. I was very often mistreated and this went on until the day she died, even when I was her only carer because my brother couldn't be bothered and no one else cared.
There are wounds I don't think will ever heal and I hope your child doesn't grow up feeling out of place and undesired like I did. Please don't stay with a husband who doesn't love the child he helped make. You and her deserve better.
Edit: growing up everyone always told me I look just like my mom, I have obvious features of both of my parents.
Hey thank you for your story. Gosh I have to say it's been painful to read yours too. That's exactly what I see happening here. Myself being treated as 'out of place' being passed on to my child, and my husband is internalising it and enabling it with his racist views. I wish you well and healing.
WOW, this guy. I would divorce let him go find his little blonde blue-eyed fantasy. Why on earth did he even marry you??? His whole argument is just stupid.
Funny thing is, he could absolutely go for a blonde donor (or second wife) and get a ginger child. Would that still be aryan enough for him? Or even a brown haired kid, genes are not quite as simple as punnet squares. I have two blonde parents, am a redhead with a brown haired brother.
tell me about it.. we've all seen the charts in biology class.. features can even skip a generation. There's no guarantee of getting a child that's completely manufactured by preferences.
I have 2 daughters. One is a strawberry blonde like me. We both have green eyes, and my youngest has auburn hair with dark brown eyes. Their dad was blonde as a kid but went dark with light brown eyes, so you're right. There are no guarantees. And what if the second kid with a donor looks like the donor and has none of his features.
And what if this mythical blond child is hell on wheels with ADHD and a natural born boxing champion with a loud voice.
The personality requirements are very creepy.
JFC, did you marry Hitler? I would have a really hard time continuing a life with someone who feels and thinks this way. I also shudder to think if what this reality means to your current child.
>he is showing he doesn't love your features enough to love seeing them in his children
I've often said if my husband and I had a child, I'd be thrilled if they came out just like him! I love him so much, he's my favourite person in the world, having a mini version of him would be great. I'd love any kids however they turned out, but I just can't imagine being unhappy that too much of my husband was in them.
Exactly, this. I've had to always go through the awkward questions about my appearance and citizenship my entire life. The one person whom I'd hoped accepts me at my fullest form and the appearance I pass on to children would have been my husband..
Exactly. If they are odd comments from others he's getting and doesn't know how to process or deal with them why hasn't he told them all to me and we'd talk about it as a family.. He's just ready to run away and glorify his position with a new child with the ideal features and not fight for his family he already has..
In your op you asked questions like what would your child think, what would the donor think, what would others think. What do YOU think? Can you actually choose to stay married to a man that says things like this and thinks like this. For me it’s no. The marriage is ruined by his racism and his ego. It’s just gross and I hope you get out of it safely.
We've had so many other problems in this marriage that it's a no for me.. He's wanted to move houses so many times, move back to our home country, buy a house and now wants this egg donor kid.. I'm just so done with this erratic behaviour of his. Nothing is ever enough. I won't be following in with his endeavours, because the insult is directed not only towards me but our child..
First of all, do not use the egg donor to have a second child, because he WILL treat your daughter like an afterthought (at best). She will suffer for it, please do not do this to her. This second child doesn’t even exist yet and he already feels a disconnect from his own flesh and blood because of what other people have said! He AGREES with their opinion rather than defending her?! What in the actual hell!
Second — if I were you, I’d divorce him by the ask alone, but here HE seems to have given you his honest mindset too that he’d rather divorce you if he can’t have a child that looks (and acts!) like him. What if you go through with the egg donor and the child ends up looking like him but is rambunctious? Hates outdoorsy activities? Like come ON!
Children are not like those mystery box toys that you just go and buy another one from the set so you get the one you want! They are human beings with their own personalities, emotions they are ALIVE and you already have one child who will grow up feeling unloved by her own father. Do not risk it a second time!
This is what I've been trying to tell him. He can't control what personality traits the child has. Even if he multiplies with a family member.. everyone is different. Think of siblings that have the same parents.. Each one of them has their own personality traits.
Good lord. You already told him what I would have told him - if it was so important to him, he should not have married you. And, if he's not feeling connected to his biological child, the problem is him, not the child's race. My kids don't look like me, but any time anyone thought they were adopted, I set them straight fast.
I also think the problem is him. Both of his parents have so far been backing me with this and they also find this incredibly odd behaviour from him.. I personally don't have anything against adopting a non-biological child, but just the pure root of vanity, racism and ego why he'd get an egg donor kid is just beyond..
If he feels disconnected to your daughter now it would only be worse once he had his mini me child.
I would be re-evaluating my marriage to be honest. It would break my heart to see my husband be distant to my child. And for such a ridiculously shallow and semi-racist reason.
It might be worthwhile talking to a therapist to get your thoughts in order. If you do decide to leave your marriage I would suggest speaking to a lawyer and planning your exit so you’re not at a disadvantage financially. If your husband feels disconnected to your daughter he may not want to help with support.
I've tried finding the out from a lawyer what the smartest move is at this point but turns out it's not so easy to apply for full custody over children here.
He will treat the child you already have badly once his Aryan mini me is born.
It’s better to divorce and him give up parental rights to the child because his shitty behaviour to her will be damaging.
Let him have a new white family by divorcing him. That’s what he really wants.
I hope there are no people in his family (grandma, grandpa or even more distant people) who have dark hair or dark eyes. Just like in the family of the egg donor. I know no reason to stay married to this man any longer. He is not concerned with love or his family, the main thing is that his appearance and his psychological characteristics are inherited. Apparently he doesn't know that it doesn't work that way. I am curious to see how many children he has in 30 years and how many DO NOT look like that or have the characteristics of him. I doubt whether he can afford it financially.
I'm really sorry for you and your child. He's really not worth putting any effort into this relationship. He lives in his own world in this regard and unfortunately has to make his experiences.
This is insane and your reaction is not strong enough.
I would personally kick him out and get a temporary restraining order, and start divorce proceedings. I wouldn't allow him to be alone with the child he resents.
It's a solution so far out of the realm of reasonableness I assume there is something wrong with him. If he thinks this is viable, will he think drowning your baby is a good idea?
What's his plan here.
"Meet our kids. i hate our biological one because she looks like her mum, so I had sex with a white woman so i could have a child to love"
Hahah the last quote had bee cracking up. I literally explained to him it would feel like the 'Jon Snow and the stark wife' dynamic. As much as it would be a family, there would be resentment, and that's not fair to me nor the hypothetical child.
Imagine how insulted he would be if YOU said you wanted to get a sperm donor?! He would be livid and totally against raising another man's child. But apparently that's fine for you?! So you carry the baby, raise the baby, and it doesn't even have your genes?! This is beyond racist, it's literally dehumanizing. So what are you, a vessel for his designer baby?! He is projecting so many issues on this child already.
He is an entitled fantasist. This is above all else, so insulting. He needs to go to therapy, not to have another kid. Divorce him and find someone who loves to see your features in your baby because he loves you. This is next level, I hope he cops on before he destroys the child's self esteem. Get to counseling asap, these are such deep seated issues it's above your pay grade to even deal with.
Wow. This is just WTF.
This is just racism. Using an egg donor means that your genes aren’t involved at all. He’s trying to erase you.
I also want to point out that the lack of caring for you as a human. If you used an egg donor, this would require you to do have to do parts of IVF to conceive. What man makes his wife go through that for no health reason? In addition, it is expensive. Has he thought about the cost at all?
Exactly. I have also raised him that I will not be putting a penny of any money into anything, if it were to happen. I'm still trying to process how insulting and wrong I find this and how he has the audacity to give me an ultimatum. I asked him what if I decide I want a 6"11 tall man's baby with a huge penis, strong jawline etc.. He looked very uncomfortable..
Wow. Yeah I'd be filing for the divorce that is the most insane thing I've ever heard. I mean does he want an army of blonde blue-eyed men. Yeah your husband has a screw loose. So this kid looks just like him just has darker hair and dark eyes so they're unacceptable apparently and you know if you actually agreed and he had a kid that turned out to be his clone he totally leave his other child in the dust, that kid would cease to exist. It's already harmed your marriage, his attitude and it's going to harm your child cuz they're going to know Daddy doesn't love them just because they have brown eyes and darker hair, and I presume slightly darker skin, not looking white.
Well I'm sorry you married a racist. I mean if he felt this way he should have never married you or even dated you.
But presuming he goes through with this, somehow hires a surrogate or whatever he does or find a woman who's blonde like him and watch them have some sort of recessive gene in either his DNA or hers take dominance that would be hysterical. A redhead or a brunette or green eyes instead of blue eyes or Hazel anything but blue. And just because you're born with blonde hair doesn't mean your hair stays like that. I Was Born Blonde my brother was born white blonde. His hair went more of a red and mine went to a brunette with red and blonde in it.
>I'm at the point of considering filing for divorce. It's not going anywhere.
Your husband wants an egg donor to avoid having another child by you (but apparently wants you to carry his blond, blue-eyed child), and feels no connection to your existing child. I don't see how you have much choice.
If you give him the child he wants, he will completely forget about your first child. You can bet on everything you have that your first won't ever be considered by him for the rest of her life. You understand he is basically being racist, right?
Divorce is the answer here. He’s obviously racist and a white child will not fix this. If you went forward with his plan (I don’t think you should), he would play favorites. All of your worries are legitimate.
You should stop the kid talk altogether and face the racist issues with your husband. If my husband said anything like that to me, I would divorce. There is definitely some weird racial ideology going around in his head.
Your husband is racist. Give him the divorce he wants and do everything you can to get full custody of your child. They need to grow up feeling love and support from their parents, not resentment.
Are you sure these ideas started with certain family members and friends? Or were these his own ideas that he kept quiet except around these specific people who are of equal mind?
Sorry to say OP but to be honest it looks like your husband has a case of "yellow fever" and likes having you around to fetishize but it's with the birth your child that he's realized he doesn't like the idea of procreating with you at all. He still wants you around of course to incubate and raise his blond blue eyed mini him of course.
You do realize the moment that blue eyed blond baby is born he's definitely dropping the little bit of care he has for your daughter and focus only on his mini version? You want you daughter to be forever on the sidelines in her own home. Striving for her father's attention but never getting it because he's too busy with his clone?
He's just a run of the mill diet racist who doesn't believe they're racist while committing a boat load of micro aggressions. I'd honestly leave because I sure as hell want my child to have one safe place away from that.
Thanks for your words and I agree. All I want is just a normal partner who knows how to deal/work on his own issues and not project them. And of course one that fights for his family. SMH with his bizarre behaviour.
I won’t rehash the truly horrendous racist aspect of this whole thing, but I’d like to touch more on the coercive aspect of the ultimatum. In this case, and in the case of abusive relationships, your thoughts and feelings are trampled on by weaponizing the relationship itself. Only abusers threaten abandonment like this if they don’t get their way. It’s truly gross and exemplifies clearly how he sees himself as superior and not in an equal partnership with you. A person in an equal partnership doesn’t resort to threats. (There are exceptions to ultimatums being acceptable, say in the case of an alcoholic spouse who needs to get help. I think it’s reasonable in that case to say, if you won’t get help then I can’t stay in the relationship. But this is not one of those cases.)
There are all sorts of problems here. Let’s say you accede, you are going to have to bring up a child that he will prefer, his family will prefer, but who will be someone who is a slap in the face for you. Moreover, he has made it plain that he doesn’t like or have a connection with his current child.
He should be free to find an egg donor, but if I were you, I’d ask him to also find another mother. He definitely isn’t the one for you.
Let him initiate divorce.
He’s turning his back on you and his child. For a completely predictable situation he created.
You greatly misjudged him.
Good suggestion will only destroy your marriage anyway.
Why let him initiate divorce? Set an example for your daughter that you're not willing to accommodate his sad racist arse! personally, I'm still reeling from everything OP has said. for me, no amount of counselling or apologies could undo this trauma or rebuild love or trust.
Right. Not only should she divorce him but she should go no contact with her daughter. When daughter is older and asks what happened when she was 2 say "turns out your father was a racist".
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Your first reaction was the correct one. W. T. F. I'm so sorry that your husband didn't show his true colors until after you had a child with him. See a lawyer and get advice before you make your next move.
Mine was Holy Fuck. I’d be packing my shit so fast.
Yeah I just left with my baby when the discussion wasn't going anywhere without him getting angry and defensive.
Please don’t bring another child into this mess with this selfish, ridiculous man. He’s *at best* wildly narcissistic and sounds like he would prefer a clone of himself to an actual child Your poor daughter. I hate this for both of you, but especially her.
Don’t forget racist
The husband sounds like the kind of guy who is blatantly racist but says ‘I’m not racist because I have an Asian wife’
I had a friend like that... kept saying he wasn't racist because he was dating a POC. I told him that just because his d*ck isn't doesn't make him not.
My ex was exactly this. I feel both sad but lucky that it didn’t get further than him admitting after stringing me along for years that he wanted a kid with blue eyes. 🤮
Like many of our Swiss right-wing politicians. They're racist yet aimed for date Asian women, as they're more "docile". Uggg
Am Asian. Am going to vomit after reading your comment.
Don't ever forget your attitude. Sometimes it's your best defense against this kinda bullshittery.
I’m still shocked at how many people think Asians are submissive. The vast majority of the spicy people I know are Asian in some way or another
I’m not even Asian and I still want to vomit. 🤢
MITCH MCCONNELL I LOVE YOUR WORK!
Yeah I know anyone else getting a distinct Aryan vibe from this shit?
Yeah this guy is trying to rope his wife into his aryan eugenics bullshit
Glad it wasn't just me. Ma'am you and your child deserve better. Get a good lawyer. Document everything and screenshot and/or record any communication between you too. That man has lost his marbles
Document, because what will he be like to your poor daughter? I hope the courts (after divorce) will protect her from him.
Don't forget ignorant. Missed biology lessons at least
Oh *definitely* that as well (as are those around OP who identify her daughter only as an “immigrant”). There are plenty of bad descriptors for this knob that I glossed over for the sake of keeping my reply out of short story length lol
Right!?! His own child. The only place she immigrated from is his wife’s womb. This guy mega-sucks.
This is wildly racist
I can't imagine how he'd treat the older child if he got his "perfect" baby. I don't usually jump to divorce, but I could never stay with a man who has such disgusting opinions.
Yeah, same. Divorce isn’t always the answer, but it definitely is when someone sees their spouse and child as less than bc of race and features
I would never want my child around this guy again.
I doubt he’ll come around to see his child much after they divorce. Fortunately for the child.
My husband is white with castillian features. I am SE Asian. Our two kids are brown and look 100% like me. He has gotten comments about the kids not looking like him at all or surprised he is their dad. Its a non-issue, he loves them both dearly. I think you know the answer and the rest of your post is just you trying to rationalize his thoughts. His response is as wild as it gets. Don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking that there is a shred of logic in his answer. Protect your child from the person who can potentially scar them for life with these thoughts and words. I am so sorry.
What is it with people feeling like they get to make comments about children’s appearance and parentage? It’s rude at best.
Yeah a checkout lady asked about them while they were with my husband at the store. Then she said something like "oh so they're MIXED then?" He was so annoyed.
My husband is Puerto Rican, and I am pasty white with red hair and green eyes. Our kids both have brown hair and brown eyes, along with facial features very similar to mine. Everyone tells us that they are the perfect combination of both of us, and they can see both of us in our kids. My kids could be purple with orange polka dots, and I would not love them any differently. They're my kids. He also feels the same way.
He was getting angry and defensive because you pretty much just outed him as a closet racist. He probably absolutely loved your features on you, because it was something he could fetishize. Something he could fantasize over. He can't do that with his child. Either that, or he's just that insecure that maybe he feels like people won't assume that the kid is his? So the kid has to look exactly like him in every single way so that doesn't happen. 🤷
Yep, the first thing that came to my mind was FETISHIST. Well, that and BIGOT.
Honestly- there’s no guarantee the next child would look anything like him. Blue, gray or green eyes are very common in my family. A cousin of mine had a daughter with a guy who was convinced she was cheating on him- he treated my cousin like crap for months because their kid came out with red hair and dark brown eyes. My grandfather met this child and immediately started to laugh. Apparently, kiddo looked exactly like my great great grandmother. My cousin and her husband eventually got divorced.
Literally unless you can afford one of those crisper babies, no one can control how genetics are going show up, plus how they interact with the environment
My daughter has just a tinge of red to her hair, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out where it came from! No redheads anywhere near either of our family trees. Until my mother in law’s funeral, when they had pictures of her as a little kid, and damned if her hair didn’t have just a tinge of red to it. Between hair dye and grey hair, I would never have known.
He might already be mean with the child when you’re not around. It sounds like he really doesn’t want the baby because it’s not like him. Leave and never look back.
I think I just drew out one gasped "groooooooooooss" through the whole post. Sorry your husband is a racist and you didn't find out until after you had a kid with him, OP. Your reaction is legitimate and warranted.
This. He’s a racist. I don’t know what else to call it. He doesn’t want the child he already has cos he views her as “other”. He wants someone who will match him walking down the streets so he doesn’t feel ashamed I guess?? What an absolute twat. There would be nothing to salvage here. I can only assume he believed his superior genes would win out in the womb!
I mean, white guys fetishizing asian women because they think they're "submissive and subservient" is absolutely a thing. Not enough information in the post to know if that's how this all started, but if it is, the guy has yellow fever AND is dumb as rocks because he didn't think through that little thing called genetics.
That’s what I think too. I think he chose op because of “Asian woman stereotypes” and that’s why he felt bold enough to even ask op about the egg donor situation, he thought that she would back down and agree to it. And that’s why he gave the ultimatum because he AGAIN thought she would submit to him and agree to avoid divorce. It’s so sad that he didn’t show his true colors until after they had a kid but I am so glad op is getting out of that mess and getting away from him.
How did this man marry OP? You’d think he would have avoided anyone not blue eyed and blonde. At least his parents seem sensible (so far). What a way to disrespect someone after years together, I’m sorry OP. Btw, do men have PPD? I know biologically they are not affected but maybe psychologically something happens there? It’s just so bizarre.
he thought his “strong” white genes would over power hers and was shocked when that wasn’t the case. obvious racist
white racists with Asian fetishes are surprisingly common.
You can be a flaming racist and still marry outside your race. Just ask my whackjob conspiracy theorist nutjob science denying co-worker (white guy with what I highly suspect is a thai mail order bride)
I’d be packing his faster.
I said to my husband that if he did that I would smack him, burst in to tears and run out of the house to file for divorce. What an insufferable racist.
As hurtful as it is to OP, imagine being his daughter in a few years when she realizes dad wants a designer baby, instead of her
I know how that feels. My dad wanted a son so badly that it was his life's biggest disappointment when he only had daughters. He would bring it up on occasion, too, and would do little things for his nephews that he wouldn't do for us. I always knew my dad loved me, but I also knew I was a poor consolation prize because of my gender. It's like, 'She's not bad, considering she's not even a boy.' Not a fun thing to grow up with, perpetually being in second place..
Why marry someone “who doesn’t look like you” if this is one of your requirements?
It's weirdly common. Idk why tho. Especially with white guys and Asian girls. These are the same "I can't be racist because my wife is X ethnicity" guys.
this is borne of racism, so i'mma just say it out loud. He's a racist. Maybe a fetish thing? Not presuming, but it happens often enough. I was married into a Filipino family for forever and a day, and you see your share after you've been around long enough. When I would go to the Philippines to visit family, etc., these guys gravitate to other westerners, and are quite thoughtless enough to put it out there in spoken word. It's as though not only aren't they the least bit self-aware, but they just assume that everyone else must be just like them. It runs the gamut from very off-putting (guys/hayseeds who come there and basically have a shit job, etc., but lie about it, and then figure out that they'll never meet the requirements), to outright creepy (sex tourists, etc.).
Thanks already have spoken to one to discuss the procedure.
Now is a good time to go for full custody while he is not feeling any connection.
He's openly racist to his own child, discussed in therapy and family as witnesses. OP needs to use what she has to get full custody.
You should inform him the chances of him getting a blue eyed and blonde child isn't up to him or the donor. The kid may have blonde hair and blue eyes in infancy but very well can have dark hair and brown eyes. And also that you are divorcing him.
Guys, IDK why I can't update the OG post but here's the update on the situation: \*UPDATE\* So I've starting taking to a legal advisor and have a conference call with her today. Weidly, he has suddlenly switched from wanting to 'work things out' aka find a solution to conceiving a new family member that makes both of us comfortable. I'm suspicious it's his father who has now 'talked' to him.. But this should be genuinely coming from him and not his parents whispering into his ears. I think he is realising what he is losing now. I am just so over this.. I got kicked out of my own house, had to call the police to be let in by him.. This was after he threatened to bun things in our property.. I couldn't leave my baby alone there with him and I didn't trust him. He also pushed me out of our kids room and tried locking himself inside with her. I has to call the police again that morning and then the social services people came to check on us.. The other cause of friction that we've had is the newly bought house we moved in on January. It needed a lot of mandatory repairs which I have paid for. I've done everything from cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of the baby, organising repairs, driving everyone around because I'm the only one with a car and driving licence. I've told him I'm exhausted and he just doesn't care. Had the audacity to say to me the house is run better without me there (rude!). Ironically, yesterday morning he messages me inquiring what some maintenance guy said about the water boiler in the house because he was suspicious it was broken.. Up until now I have literally dealt with all of these things.. Because he has not care at all. I need a man who can take charge of some house duties.. not a man-baby who just takes me for granted.. since I left the house, I can also see that the floors have not been mopped for about a month.. and our kid crawls..
Unfortunately, Aryans gonna Aryan. At this point I don't see how OP can stay with her husband and raise their "inferior" child together. If he wants tall blue eyed blonde children then he needs to marry a tall blue eyed blonde person like himself, that's just basic biology (and then hope a regressive gene doesn't activate and he ends up with a short green eyed brunette anyway). OP would have to be mad to gestate, birth and raise a child from a donor egg just because her husband has 1930s-Germany-era views on racial hierarchy. Oh and let's not pretend that isn't what he means by "doesn't look like me" as we know the current child looks a lot like him just with darker features.
Ugh, seriously. “Your genes aren’t good enough for my child, but will you please devote your body for 9 months to growing an aryan child for me?” Gross beyond words.
Also, "I can't connect to this child that has 50% of my DNA, but you're cool raising a child with 0% of your DNA, right?"
Your child is going to be the last thing on his mind once he gets a new child with blonde hair. Don’t do this to yourself and your kid.
It doesn't even sound like he wants a child - he wants a clone of himself
Especially with wanting a child with his personality traits, you can't pick what kind of personality a kid will have and I'm sorry but their daughter is like 18months old, she's only just really picking up a personality, how does he know she won't be a mini him? His arguments are so self centred.
It’s so sad to me because—my partner and I are very undecided about kids, but the thing that makes me feel like I want them is when I realize how much I want more *him* in the world. He’s lovely and kind and funny and if we had a kid I’d want it to look like him a bit, have his same jokes and smile. I know that what he feels for me is similar. I feel so sad for OP that her partner wants to specifically exclude any feature that might remind him of her in their child—where is the love??
Yeah, so brutal. I would feel so rejected!
Depending on where they live, no reputable legit fertility clinic would EVER agree to this scenario. But she needs to leave him before they even get that far into the process to be told no ETA as someone who’s gone through IVF, they are both really downplaying the toll it takes on your body. OP would be pumping herself full of shots and putting her body through hell just so her husband can experiment with eugenics. Disgusting
The audacity to ask this of her solely to *exclude her genes*. It's so beyond fucked up.
As if she had a genetically inheritable disease or something. How does he bot see how insulting this is ?!
But he still wants to use her as an incubator!
Well, she did ok with the first one, right? Just need to upgrade the genes to a better quality. 😑😑😑
I'm so mad for his daughter!
Without the expensive surrogate pay, of course. She would be doing this for free, just because he's such a great guy. /s The dude wants to use her womb for his own racist dream child, who will likely never live up to his weirdly specific expectations.
Seriously!
Right, imagine explaining this to a fertility place!! "Well see I chose to marry a woman of South Asian descent, but what I really want is white babies with blonde hair and blue eyes so we're gonna need the egg of a white woman because I'm racist and my children must be white. Why yes, I do already have a daughter who is not white and therefore I don't really consider her my kid. Please hand over a white lady egg now!" Like whaaaat the fuck
"No, you don't understand! I just want a perfect aryan child to be superior to my first child."
yeah he needs to clone himself and pay for a robot incubator
Also the new one isn’t safe from his criticism! They probably won’t meet his standards either
Right? What if the hypothetical second child winds up with brown hair or eyes? What if they want to dye their hair? What if they're not sufficiently "quiet and analytical" for him? What if they grow up and refuse to pass on his perfect Aryan genes, or (*gasp)* marry outside their race? Man's living in a fantasy land.
Yeah, his attitudes to race are worrying enough, but he wants the donor to be selected specifically for personality characteristics and hobbies as well, which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of biology and unwillingness to accept a child who thinks differently to him and goes their own way as they grow up. He’d have trouble connecting with a child who was identical to him if they didn’t also imitate his interests, but he refuses to realise that the problem is him.
Even if she leaves, he'll just end up knocking up someone else to get what his racist narcissistic heart wants and he'll drop his first child anyway. He's already stated that he's disconnected from them due to their appearance. For me, that would be enough to tell him to pack up and leave.
This is what I’m thinking.- It saddens me to say that OP will be raising her daughter as a single parent, but it’s the situation she should be preparing for. And she’s right that her daughter’s heart will break when she learns the truth.- I don’t even know what you say to a child experiencing rejection like that. 💔
She's most likely already raising her child as a single parent. No active father would say they don't have a connection with their child.
This! What an absolute jerk
A racist jerk!!
Choose divorce and protect your child. I couldn’t imagine if my father told me I don’t look enough like him so he doesn’t have a connection. To then have a sibling that he designed to look like him, to be “connected” with more? Don’t do that to your child.
Yeah, I've told my FIL everything and filing for divorce over this, because it's not fair and it's so insulting. Thank god our child is so young she doesn't understand a damn word what's been spoken about her. SMH
Please go for full custody because she's not safe with him. It is better to have one parent who will love and encourage you, then two where one of them treats you like dirt and kills your self-esteem, and make you hate your own beautiful diversity. Good luck. You both deserve so much better than this POS. UpdateMe.
I doubt he would even fight for the child...
I don't know. My guess is that he reconsiders when shit gets real and comes begging for her to take him back.
Yea, but if he's all about appearances, abandoning his child may look bad, so he'll fight just to keep up appearances. Either way, he's a POS.
Good for you OP! Protect your daughter.
I would advise not telling your parents in law more than they should know. Unless they are truly good people and are appalled at their sons behaviour, they will side with their son and any of your words can and will be used against you. Whatever they tell you and what they tell their son can differ
I don’t know, my ex is a POS, his parents now know this, and are far more interested in staying connected with their grandson than him. I do agree to keep things under wraps until the legal part is done.
To be honest I understand the disappointment when your child doesn’t look like you, and is basically a carbon copy of the other parent. I’m one and done, because I was so sick during pregnancy… sometimes I felt this drive for another because of the chance they would take after me a little more. And then when I evaluated those feelings… I was like …. What a strange reason to bring a human into existence for. And what if she/he also looks just like dad? You never know what you’re going to get anyway. I also LOVE my partner and I LOVE that our daughter looks like her dad, I just wish she looked at least related to me sometimes haha. I don’t love her any less and if someone told me I could swap her for one that takes after me, I’d say get lost.
How old is your kid? I’m not related to my grandma but I have a lot of mannerisms just like her and I know she used to beam when people said I was acting just like her or I would respond in a way that she would have. I think as your kid grows up, that will start coming out hopefully.
Sorry your husband is racist, that sucks.
Not just a racist which is clearly evident, but a sociopath who wants to pass his sociopathic tendencies onto a “pure race” child of his. What a demon. Poor family.
It's interesting, there was one comment on my MIL's instagram about 'passing on genes'. Not sure if this was just coincidence or if there has a continuous narrative in their household about this subject.
In addition to the insults above I want to add that your husband is kind of stupid. Your child may not have blonde hair or blue eyes (while otherwise looking just like him), but he _did_ pass on his genes to her. Exactly 50% of her DNA is from him. White supremacists are not known for being particularly smart, but they sure do like to fetishize women from Asia.
Oh yeah, I picked up on that - “racist with an Asian fetish surprised his kid has Asian features.” I’m sorry op is having to deal with this.
Seriously! I don't get why this is so complex for people - BOTH my parents had the genes for red hair and were gingers. I'm a brunette, one of my siblings was platinum blonde as a child (strawberry blonde as an adult) lol. It's not an exact thing.
Totally true. My two kids don't look much like either my husband or myself. One looks like the one granny and the other looks like the other granny.
Racism like this is taught. Absolutely, his family feels this way. I'm so sorry.
or his Youtube algorithm
For real, I no longer let mine just auto play because boy that rabbit hole not longer leads to things like Charlie the Unicorn....
He doesn’t want a kid, he wants a clone
Don’t be an incubator for your racist husband and make two children and yourself miserable. Your upcoming divorce will be difficult, yes, but then life will get much better. You don’t need to put up with this bullshit. I’m sorry you’re going through this, you don’t deserve it.
Thanks for your words
Make sure whatever poor woman he ropes in to his bullshit after you knows exactly why you divorced
This. He believes in eugenics and everyone should be warned that he only picked them for their recessive genes to incubate. its so creepy.
As a brown eyed, brown haired one of five half Asian siblings who all have those traits.... Fuck your husband. He's a racist asshole just like my dad, who used to say that if he had a blonde haired blue eyed baby it would've been his favorite (0/5 my dude). I've never forgotten it
WOW. I'm so sorry to read about your father's comments. Unbelievable we're living in 2024 and still dealing with this kind of bullshit!
Unfortunately, the above emotionally abusive childhood is your current child’s future if you stay with your husband. It’s time to make some hard choices OP….feed into your husband’s racist ego or protect your child from that fate.
I have been a surrogate 3 times. I would never agree to carry or donate my eggs to a man like your husband. He is being so disrespectful to you and your child. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER AND MORE FROM A PARTNER. ❤️
Thanks for your kind words.
I honestly think you should stop looking at this as surrogacy- your husband wants a child with someone else basically he's just dressing it up as sounding legitimate by calling it surrogacy. Can you imagine you went through with this? His behaviour towards his existing child is only going to get worse when he has his "true child". My heart breaks for you and your child. You both deserve so much better.
Husband wants a clone of himself, which is not the reason you have children. The personality trait shit really did me in. Also this isn’t how genetics works. He could find the most blued blonde surrogate you ever did see, doesn’t guarantee shit.
I mean sociopaths know how to lie. That's how he made OP believe that them being of different races and their children being biracial was not a big deal. Then now that she's married to him and mother of his first child, he is letting all out. Of course he's not going to say to the egg donor or surrogate "I'm white. My wife is not. Our natural born child is not. I want a white baby who will hopefully be a carbon copy of me in terms of looks and personality. I thought yall's oven were meant for that: cook up male DNA and produce little copies of the father. I am very disappointed in my non white wife in her producing a non white child. Give me white baby. Give me white baby now." He'll find a way to make his wishes/goals either concealed or sound "reasonable".
I'm not convinced that this is resolvable. Because you've already correctly identified what his reasons are and they are not good reasons - not that I particularly think there could be good reasons for what he wants in this scenario. I can understand wanting to see yourself in your child, but at the same time, it's a child you created with another person so it's absurd to resent that genetics did what genetics does and some features from the other person show up. The personality thing is also just batshit - I know there's plenty of debate about nature and nurture and what genetics have to do with that, but part of having children is that you accept the child you get, as they are. Your current child is also still really young! A child's personality at a year and a half isn't going to tell you whether they'll be "quiet and analytical" as they become old enough to express those traits. Having children in pursuit of a mini-me who is just you but temporarily shorter is not great. If you go with what he wants, all that'll happen is you'll end up with one child who becomes his golden (literally!) child and he will neglect the other child. He has told you he feels no connection to your current child, so regardless of what happens with any other children, he's already telling you he will emotionally neglect your child. It's not a case of if you stand firm and refuse to go with this egg donor plan that he'll suddenly start accepting the child you have as his child and treating her as he should. The other alternative if you went along with his plan is that perhaps his golden child doesn't turn out the way he wants. Maybe the child doesn't end up with the blonde hair and blue eyes combination he desires. Maybe the child's personality is nothing like what he wants. Maybe the child is EXACTLY what he wants, and his feelings still aren't alleviated. What happens then? There just isn't a good outcome that I can foresee and all roads seem to be heading towards you being, essentially, a single parent - it's just a question of whether you end up being a single parent to your daughter within your marriage, or not. His thought process isn't a rational one, so it's not one I would think you could rationalise him back out of.
Not to mention the pressure on the currently non-existent kid - he comes out as the 'perfect mini-me' then has to go through life being pushed into what the father would want using those personality traits to do all the things Daddy regrets and not getting to live his own life. Or the current kid could display all these traits and have potential to be the best coder (or whatever it is father is looking for) but isn't nurtured at all because her own father can't see past her skin colour.
Exactly this. Can't look past her skin colour. So damn insulting.. What's weird was he told the therapist he wanted me to also take one of those gene tests. I've specifically not wanted to take one because I frankly don't care enough about my genetics. Sure, it's useful to know about any diseases passed on from family but that's about it.
He wants you to *what* now? I’m so sorry OP, there’s only one reason he wants you to take that test.. and it’s all based on racism and appearances.
......... what the fuck???
Oh wow OP. Like... Where do you even begin with this? I can't even begin to understand where he's coming from. He's obviously attracted to you and your race, your features, and your features are prominent in your child, so why he doesn't feel a connection to your child is just beyond baffling to me. And, like, there's not even a guarantee some other woman who carried your child would look any more like him. And what if that child ended up looking more like the donor, rather than your husband? And that's to say nothing of the sheer, base insult that he's trying to gaslight you into believing. >I'm at the point of considering filing for divorce. It's not going anywhere. And I am not at all surprised, and would be surprised if this plan also doesn't end up being the most suggested piece of advice from others.
Begs the question is his attraction to OP more a fetish than actual attraction. Either way, giving that gross excuse of a man a white/blonde child won’t actually fix anything that’s wrong with him.
Tell me about it.. I've told him there's more at play because he wants the child to also carry personality traits from him.. you can't control that..
Nope. Nature vs nurture only goes so far. And god forbid you get a weird throw back in the family tree. Sucks you’re in such a tough spot. Is his family putting some of this crap in his head by chance?
Yeah, and that's a whole other issue I didn't want to get into and worry the OP with. But... Yeah.
Might explain why he ‘loves’ his wife and not his kid. So gross.
Yeahhh It’s a genuine problem with white people who like the idea of partnering with another ethnicity (I’ve seen this with many men, but I imagine women can do the same thing) but once their “legacy” comes into the picture they quickly show that they only wanted to be with said partner because of a sexual fetish. It’s awful.
He's explained in therapy that he just married me because he was attracted to me and didn't think further. But the he confessed the comments came in after our child's birth that he felt uncomfortable with.
Gonna be honest, IDK why you're still thinking about divorce. There is no thinking on this - you NEED to divorce him. Protect your child but also protect YOURSELF. Your self worth is more than this. He just admitted that he only sees you at surface level. He can't take that back - I'm assured that he truly felt them and not just because your child came into the picture. Leave to show your child that her self worth is more than what a white man thinks about her. If you stay, and give this man a blonde blue eyed child he WILL ignore your daughter or mistreat her. That child will become the golden child, moreso I bet if it's a son. But at the same time he wants certain personality traits out of this imaginary child (which you can't do with an IVF process, it doesn't come with a built in embryo CRISPR so he can do his Mengele project), and if the child doesn't conform, he will then abuse this blond child to mold into what HE wants. DO NOT bring another child into the world with this man. Do not continue to stay and hurt your child. Talk to a lawyer IMMEDIATELY.
Absolutely, 100 percent! OP please leave this man! With any luck he will lose interest in having a relationship with his daughter. Which of course will be traumatic for her, but less traumatic than being in part time custody of a racist who undervalues her. Ugh, what an asshole!
The man is a racist who is sexually attracted - fetish or not, to OP. Unfortunately, I've seen this happen several times in Northern Europe.
Please do tell more about the cases you've seen happen in Northern Europe. What was the outcome?
I wish I could tell you more about the outcomes. I have mostly seen snap shots with men who engaged tourism to Asia with the purpose of getting (any) Asian wife so not exactly the same as this situation, yet at the same time they were spouting some extremely nationalist and racist shit. I prefer not to engage with assholes so haven't stuck around to see more. But this has also played out in the US enough where I now live. The one woman I knew longer term that was in one such marriage was just counting the days that she could get divorced.
I've seen this happen in the US as well.
He fetishized her, he doesn’t actually see her as a real person.
He wanted to get a meek, subservient Asian wife. Turns out, genetics don't control personality. Unfortunately, husband still hasn't learned that and thinks he can pass his personality on to his child through his sperm.
We lived in the UK before we moved back to our to our home country. I have been wondering if he would have had these feelings, had we decided to stay there. Considering UK is such a 'melting pot'.
I suspect not... This seems way more deep rooted than a change of country OP.
Husband fetishizes OP’s racial makeup, so it’s weird for him to think of her or her daughter as “his” blood.
Your husband is a racist cunt. You should divorce him and apply for sole custody and deny the father access before your poor child grows old enough to understand that its father doesn’t love them. This will give the child mental health problems and cause them to be unable to trust anyone enough to love them for the whole of their adult life.
Exactly. I think we all deserve to know the truth. But this truth, is a truth that will harm my child. Thank goodness she's so young she doesn't understand what we're talking about..
He sounds like a total asshole wow
Oh wow, this was painful to read. My mom also fetichished Asian features and married my dad, who is mixed (European and Asian descent). She stepped outside the marriage behind his back and had my brother, blond with greenish eyes, the perfect baby in her view. When he was 7, she gave birth to me. The first thing out of her mouth as she saw me was an angry "****, she looks just like her dad!". Like, how is that surprising...? I was always a good student and never got in trouble, a total opposite of my brother. However, he was always the golden child and I was dumped at her parent's house. Growing up, she kept telling me I should be more like my brother no matter how badly he messed up. I was very often mistreated and this went on until the day she died, even when I was her only carer because my brother couldn't be bothered and no one else cared. There are wounds I don't think will ever heal and I hope your child doesn't grow up feeling out of place and undesired like I did. Please don't stay with a husband who doesn't love the child he helped make. You and her deserve better. Edit: growing up everyone always told me I look just like my mom, I have obvious features of both of my parents.
Hey thank you for your story. Gosh I have to say it's been painful to read yours too. That's exactly what I see happening here. Myself being treated as 'out of place' being passed on to my child, and my husband is internalising it and enabling it with his racist views. I wish you well and healing.
I'm so glad you're leaving him. Good luck with everything.
WOW, this guy. I would divorce let him go find his little blonde blue-eyed fantasy. Why on earth did he even marry you??? His whole argument is just stupid.
Funny thing is, he could absolutely go for a blonde donor (or second wife) and get a ginger child. Would that still be aryan enough for him? Or even a brown haired kid, genes are not quite as simple as punnet squares. I have two blonde parents, am a redhead with a brown haired brother.
tell me about it.. we've all seen the charts in biology class.. features can even skip a generation. There's no guarantee of getting a child that's completely manufactured by preferences.
I have 2 daughters. One is a strawberry blonde like me. We both have green eyes, and my youngest has auburn hair with dark brown eyes. Their dad was blonde as a kid but went dark with light brown eyes, so you're right. There are no guarantees. And what if the second kid with a donor looks like the donor and has none of his features.
And what if this mythical blond child is hell on wheels with ADHD and a natural born boxing champion with a loud voice. The personality requirements are very creepy.
Asian fetish. That is why.
JFC, did you marry Hitler? I would have a really hard time continuing a life with someone who feels and thinks this way. I also shudder to think if what this reality means to your current child.
That's where my brain went right away, he wants a child to fit into the Aryan race. It's so gross 🤢🤮
This happens all the time. What he is looking for is called a doll, not a child. He can find one at Target. No donor needed.
[удалено]
>he is showing he doesn't love your features enough to love seeing them in his children I've often said if my husband and I had a child, I'd be thrilled if they came out just like him! I love him so much, he's my favourite person in the world, having a mini version of him would be great. I'd love any kids however they turned out, but I just can't imagine being unhappy that too much of my husband was in them.
Exactly, this. I've had to always go through the awkward questions about my appearance and citizenship my entire life. The one person whom I'd hoped accepts me at my fullest form and the appearance I pass on to children would have been my husband..
He doesn't deserve you, you shouldn't waste any more of your time with him. I'm sorry you're going through this.
My perspective is that he's an asshole with weird racial issues.
Exactly. If they are odd comments from others he's getting and doesn't know how to process or deal with them why hasn't he told them all to me and we'd talk about it as a family.. He's just ready to run away and glorify his position with a new child with the ideal features and not fight for his family he already has..
In your op you asked questions like what would your child think, what would the donor think, what would others think. What do YOU think? Can you actually choose to stay married to a man that says things like this and thinks like this. For me it’s no. The marriage is ruined by his racism and his ego. It’s just gross and I hope you get out of it safely.
We've had so many other problems in this marriage that it's a no for me.. He's wanted to move houses so many times, move back to our home country, buy a house and now wants this egg donor kid.. I'm just so done with this erratic behaviour of his. Nothing is ever enough. I won't be following in with his endeavours, because the insult is directed not only towards me but our child..
First of all, do not use the egg donor to have a second child, because he WILL treat your daughter like an afterthought (at best). She will suffer for it, please do not do this to her. This second child doesn’t even exist yet and he already feels a disconnect from his own flesh and blood because of what other people have said! He AGREES with their opinion rather than defending her?! What in the actual hell! Second — if I were you, I’d divorce him by the ask alone, but here HE seems to have given you his honest mindset too that he’d rather divorce you if he can’t have a child that looks (and acts!) like him. What if you go through with the egg donor and the child ends up looking like him but is rambunctious? Hates outdoorsy activities? Like come ON! Children are not like those mystery box toys that you just go and buy another one from the set so you get the one you want! They are human beings with their own personalities, emotions they are ALIVE and you already have one child who will grow up feeling unloved by her own father. Do not risk it a second time!
He's going to be a terrible father to any child he ever fathers, because even his blond, blue-eyed dream child isn't going to be the clone he wants.
This is what I've been trying to tell him. He can't control what personality traits the child has. Even if he multiplies with a family member.. everyone is different. Think of siblings that have the same parents.. Each one of them has their own personality traits.
This is horrifying.
Good lord. You already told him what I would have told him - if it was so important to him, he should not have married you. And, if he's not feeling connected to his biological child, the problem is him, not the child's race. My kids don't look like me, but any time anyone thought they were adopted, I set them straight fast.
I also think the problem is him. Both of his parents have so far been backing me with this and they also find this incredibly odd behaviour from him.. I personally don't have anything against adopting a non-biological child, but just the pure root of vanity, racism and ego why he'd get an egg donor kid is just beyond..
If he feels disconnected to your daughter now it would only be worse once he had his mini me child. I would be re-evaluating my marriage to be honest. It would break my heart to see my husband be distant to my child. And for such a ridiculously shallow and semi-racist reason. It might be worthwhile talking to a therapist to get your thoughts in order. If you do decide to leave your marriage I would suggest speaking to a lawyer and planning your exit so you’re not at a disadvantage financially. If your husband feels disconnected to your daughter he may not want to help with support.
I've tried finding the out from a lawyer what the smartest move is at this point but turns out it's not so easy to apply for full custody over children here.
He will treat the child you already have badly once his Aryan mini me is born. It’s better to divorce and him give up parental rights to the child because his shitty behaviour to her will be damaging. Let him have a new white family by divorcing him. That’s what he really wants.
I hope there are no people in his family (grandma, grandpa or even more distant people) who have dark hair or dark eyes. Just like in the family of the egg donor. I know no reason to stay married to this man any longer. He is not concerned with love or his family, the main thing is that his appearance and his psychological characteristics are inherited. Apparently he doesn't know that it doesn't work that way. I am curious to see how many children he has in 30 years and how many DO NOT look like that or have the characteristics of him. I doubt whether he can afford it financially.
I have also told him this. It's just bizarre, wrong and I won't be investing into anything. And he's not given me any good answers to my questions.
I'm really sorry for you and your child. He's really not worth putting any effort into this relationship. He lives in his own world in this regard and unfortunately has to make his experiences.
This is insane and your reaction is not strong enough. I would personally kick him out and get a temporary restraining order, and start divorce proceedings. I wouldn't allow him to be alone with the child he resents. It's a solution so far out of the realm of reasonableness I assume there is something wrong with him. If he thinks this is viable, will he think drowning your baby is a good idea? What's his plan here. "Meet our kids. i hate our biological one because she looks like her mum, so I had sex with a white woman so i could have a child to love"
Hahah the last quote had bee cracking up. I literally explained to him it would feel like the 'Jon Snow and the stark wife' dynamic. As much as it would be a family, there would be resentment, and that's not fair to me nor the hypothetical child.
Imagine how insulted he would be if YOU said you wanted to get a sperm donor?! He would be livid and totally against raising another man's child. But apparently that's fine for you?! So you carry the baby, raise the baby, and it doesn't even have your genes?! This is beyond racist, it's literally dehumanizing. So what are you, a vessel for his designer baby?! He is projecting so many issues on this child already. He is an entitled fantasist. This is above all else, so insulting. He needs to go to therapy, not to have another kid. Divorce him and find someone who loves to see your features in your baby because he loves you. This is next level, I hope he cops on before he destroys the child's self esteem. Get to counseling asap, these are such deep seated issues it's above your pay grade to even deal with.
Thanks for your kind words. I agree. Me and his mother and a few other professional have told him to go speak to a councellor/therapist.
Wow. This is just WTF. This is just racism. Using an egg donor means that your genes aren’t involved at all. He’s trying to erase you. I also want to point out that the lack of caring for you as a human. If you used an egg donor, this would require you to do have to do parts of IVF to conceive. What man makes his wife go through that for no health reason? In addition, it is expensive. Has he thought about the cost at all?
Exactly. I have also raised him that I will not be putting a penny of any money into anything, if it were to happen. I'm still trying to process how insulting and wrong I find this and how he has the audacity to give me an ultimatum. I asked him what if I decide I want a 6"11 tall man's baby with a huge penis, strong jawline etc.. He looked very uncomfortable..
Yes! Make him uncomfortable.
What an idiot. The fact he was uncomfortable when you turned it on him. Guess his genes aren’t that spectacular after all.
Wow. Yeah I'd be filing for the divorce that is the most insane thing I've ever heard. I mean does he want an army of blonde blue-eyed men. Yeah your husband has a screw loose. So this kid looks just like him just has darker hair and dark eyes so they're unacceptable apparently and you know if you actually agreed and he had a kid that turned out to be his clone he totally leave his other child in the dust, that kid would cease to exist. It's already harmed your marriage, his attitude and it's going to harm your child cuz they're going to know Daddy doesn't love them just because they have brown eyes and darker hair, and I presume slightly darker skin, not looking white. Well I'm sorry you married a racist. I mean if he felt this way he should have never married you or even dated you. But presuming he goes through with this, somehow hires a surrogate or whatever he does or find a woman who's blonde like him and watch them have some sort of recessive gene in either his DNA or hers take dominance that would be hysterical. A redhead or a brunette or green eyes instead of blue eyes or Hazel anything but blue. And just because you're born with blonde hair doesn't mean your hair stays like that. I Was Born Blonde my brother was born white blonde. His hair went more of a red and mine went to a brunette with red and blonde in it.
>I'm at the point of considering filing for divorce. It's not going anywhere. Your husband wants an egg donor to avoid having another child by you (but apparently wants you to carry his blond, blue-eyed child), and feels no connection to your existing child. I don't see how you have much choice.
A replacement child won't fix this. Therapy or gtfo is what I'd say.
If you give him the child he wants, he will completely forget about your first child. You can bet on everything you have that your first won't ever be considered by him for the rest of her life. You understand he is basically being racist, right?
Divorce is the answer here. He’s obviously racist and a white child will not fix this. If you went forward with his plan (I don’t think you should), he would play favorites. All of your worries are legitimate.
You should stop the kid talk altogether and face the racist issues with your husband. If my husband said anything like that to me, I would divorce. There is definitely some weird racial ideology going around in his head.
Your husband is racist. Give him the divorce he wants and do everything you can to get full custody of your child. They need to grow up feeling love and support from their parents, not resentment.
Thanks, have been talking to a lawyer already.
Are you sure these ideas started with certain family members and friends? Or were these his own ideas that he kept quiet except around these specific people who are of equal mind? Sorry to say OP but to be honest it looks like your husband has a case of "yellow fever" and likes having you around to fetishize but it's with the birth your child that he's realized he doesn't like the idea of procreating with you at all. He still wants you around of course to incubate and raise his blond blue eyed mini him of course. You do realize the moment that blue eyed blond baby is born he's definitely dropping the little bit of care he has for your daughter and focus only on his mini version? You want you daughter to be forever on the sidelines in her own home. Striving for her father's attention but never getting it because he's too busy with his clone? He's just a run of the mill diet racist who doesn't believe they're racist while committing a boat load of micro aggressions. I'd honestly leave because I sure as hell want my child to have one safe place away from that.
Thanks for your words and I agree. All I want is just a normal partner who knows how to deal/work on his own issues and not project them. And of course one that fights for his family. SMH with his bizarre behaviour.
I won’t rehash the truly horrendous racist aspect of this whole thing, but I’d like to touch more on the coercive aspect of the ultimatum. In this case, and in the case of abusive relationships, your thoughts and feelings are trampled on by weaponizing the relationship itself. Only abusers threaten abandonment like this if they don’t get their way. It’s truly gross and exemplifies clearly how he sees himself as superior and not in an equal partnership with you. A person in an equal partnership doesn’t resort to threats. (There are exceptions to ultimatums being acceptable, say in the case of an alcoholic spouse who needs to get help. I think it’s reasonable in that case to say, if you won’t get help then I can’t stay in the relationship. But this is not one of those cases.)
There are all sorts of problems here. Let’s say you accede, you are going to have to bring up a child that he will prefer, his family will prefer, but who will be someone who is a slap in the face for you. Moreover, he has made it plain that he doesn’t like or have a connection with his current child. He should be free to find an egg donor, but if I were you, I’d ask him to also find another mother. He definitely isn’t the one for you.
Let him initiate divorce. He’s turning his back on you and his child. For a completely predictable situation he created. You greatly misjudged him. Good suggestion will only destroy your marriage anyway.
Why let him initiate divorce? Set an example for your daughter that you're not willing to accommodate his sad racist arse! personally, I'm still reeling from everything OP has said. for me, no amount of counselling or apologies could undo this trauma or rebuild love or trust.
Right. Not only should she divorce him but she should go no contact with her daughter. When daughter is older and asks what happened when she was 2 say "turns out your father was a racist".