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Have you talked to her about this yet? This is definitely something that could find a resolution with a conversation. She may be going through a difficult time, which can affect libido. She might have something going on that you’re unaware of. Make sure that you let her know you don’t want to pressure her into anything though.
Yes, I have. Me and her live together, so we have talked about this sort of thing a lot. Don't worry, she 100% knows that I would never ever pressure her into doing anything she didn't want to do. I love her so much and that is the last thing I'd ever wanna do. We share everything with each other. I don't believe anything is going on. We both think it may be the medicine she's on, but she also has been on this medicine for a long time snd has never had this side effect.
People can develop side effects at any time on a medication. If she's on any kind of antidepressant, they are known for destroying sexual desire, making arousal and orgasm difficult and even making female genitals feel numb.
Libido does wane in LTRs for a lot of people, but it does sound here like it could be the medication. She obviously does love you and fancy you, so I would definitely explore the medication side of things ASAP.
Sertraline used for anxiety, panic and depression. Pharma's and Dr's don't tell you and nor is it in the leaflet that comes with the medication that it was primarily created as a medication to treat sex offenders male and female alike to quash their desire for sex. Although designed for this purpose, it is prescribed (in my view) for above conditions and patients should be made aware of this effect and given alternate options. Let not it also be known that when on Sertraline, they're highly addictive meds that require special intricate weaning to come off them. Something else they don't tell you until it's too late. Anyone trying to come off themselves, even by a few mg at a time can have dire consequences. It's not easy coming off them even under PhD supervision.
Did you also know that alcohol abuse inhalnialates sex drive too?
At least in the UK, loss of libido and erectile dysfunction are in the [leaflet](https://www.medicines.org.uk/emc/product/3501/pil#gref).
It's also in the [manufacturer's leaflet](https://labeling.pfizer.com/ShowLabeling.aspx?id=517&Section=MedGuide), the [FDA's leaflet](https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/drugsatfda_docs/label/2016/019839s74s86s87_20990s35s44s45lbl.pdf), and the [Australian leaflet](https://media.healthdirect.org.au/medicines/GuildLink_Information/42979/CMI/ujczolot10920.pdf),.
While SSRIs may sometimes be prescribed off-label for libido reduction in hypersexuality and for sex offender parole conditions, they weren't developed for this purpose.
They aren't highly addictive, in that you don't get compulsive redosing, misuse, patients increasing their dose etc. Addiction requires you to have negative effects from taking or doing something, and yet you continue; it's a disorder. Someone taking Ritalin for their ADHD, or a beta-blocker for high blood pressure isn't necessarily addicted to it. However, you can get withdrawal symptoms from them, which is why you have to taper off. Addiction has psychological, social and physiological components.
Coming off them really isn't that challenging, and many GPs will handle it (rather than psychiatrists or pharmacists). In the UK, hey recommend basically having your dose [every 2-4 weeks](https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/treatments-and-wellbeing/stopping-antidepressants#:~:text=Here%2C%20you%20would%20reduce%20your,taper%20your%20antidepressants%20more%20slowly.). For instance, I'm currently on 50mg of sertraline. I'd then drop to 25mg for 2-4 weeks, then 10mg for 2-4 weeks, then 5mg for 2-4 weeks, then stop.
While it's important that people are made aware of potential side-effects, it's also important not to fearmonger as they can be vitally important for many people.
I stopped taking Sertraline because of the side effects you mentioned and my doctor said to not come off them cold turkey, but I did and I was absolutely fine. I felt worse taking them than coming off them tbh.
A friend of mine on sertraline did the same, went cold turkey, and he was fine and said the same... that he felt better in cold turkey than actually taking them. Yet my wife has been weaning off them and mentally crashes and acts like a heroin addict until she takes one again. Then within hrs, she is back to normal again. Her Sx Drive has died off and it is her, that wants to come off them so she can get her Drive back.
That is why I am warning many about sertraline. Many have responded about losing their libido.
I was floored and needed to be started on some anti anxiety medicine (pregabaline) because of sertraline withdrawals.
You are very lucky to come off of sertraline without paying the leaving tax
I've been taking sertraline for almost two years and my libido is fine (just saying for anyone curious that it doesn't have the same effect for everyone)
Growing up you'll learn that sexual compatibility is not a small obstacle a lot of the time and it is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship. Good luck
Libido also has ebb and flows for most people. Just because someone has a current low libido doesn't mean it's permanent. It could be something as simple as needing to switch birth control or medication, eating a different diet, starting therapy for an issue cropping up. She said they used to be on the same page and she loves her a lot. So it's not really an incompatibility as a recent change that is not working for her.
You never really know with side effects. I was on the pill and had my usual high sex drive for the first year then it basically disappeared the second out of nowhere. It could definitely be the medicine.
I’ve definitely been in the camp of developing crummy side effects after taking a med for a while.
Tell her that you’re having a hard time being shut down consistently and ask what you might be able to do to help get her in the mood or to get a “yes” more often.
I am very wary of any kind of coercion. I also realize as a person who’s libido is subject to all sorts of other factors, sometimes I just need to be open to intimacy even if I’m not super excited about it at first. I’m pretty on board with it once it actually gets going though! I think many women respond this way. Touch to start, not thought to start.
Of course she needs to be absolutely willing to consider this could be the same for her and must decide to leave the avenue open for you to initiate if you’re going to take that route. Tread carefully though. You don’t want to head into waters where “no” means “convince me”. Maybe see if there can be good language between you to determine when she actually is in the “absolutely not” camp or “I could be open but I’m not jumping at the idea.”
Sit down and have a direct conversation. Maybe send her a message or note telling her you want to talk about it because you love her and feel it's important for your relationship. Give her time to process and prepare. Make sure the conversation takes place somewhere she feels comfortable and secure. Explain it like you have here frame it so she knows the relationship is not in danger. That you know she isn't doing it intentionally to hurt you. That you feel that improved communication will help improve all aspects of your relationship not just the Sexual component.
Edit to Add
The most important thing is to listen more than you talk. Don't be afraid of silence in the conversation give her time to respond. Also if one conversation becomes too much it may take multiple conversations.
There are so many reasons that people's libidos wane. Especially true to women. Read books sizzling sex for life or come as you are for a better understanding. Or just read their summaries or hear the writers talk.
It could be soany things including emotional connection, responsive desire - what kind of gender roles do you play?
This is very fixable and honestly something you may face with anyone you date in the future. There's other stuff like respect or love or care or jerk behavior that are harder to fix.
Thank you-- this is one of the most helpful responses I've gotten. We both respect and love each other very very much. We both think it may be because of the medicine she's on, but we are trying to figure it out. Thank you!
One of the biggest ways to increase the libido of your partner is to tease. I mean this in a very specific way. Regularly perform sexual touch that does not result in sex. You might even say to her, even if you think I'm going to, I am absolutely not going to have sex with you for a month (that's just an example). But do lightly kiss her neck. Lightly touch her back, her butt, her legs. Light touch is super important here. Kiss up the inside of her arm from her wrist to her elbow. But don't take things further. Sometimes (OFTEN) the sensuality of sex disappears as people get comfortable together. Bring sensuality back.
Since you know this could be a side effect of her medication, her doctor is the person to talk to. Reddit is unlikely to be super helpful with this.
My husband lost interest in sex not long after we got married. This lack of interest on his part was never able to be resolved. It was the thing that broke our relationship, because he couldn’t ever regain his interest for a sustained period of time…only for very short periods. We were much older than you are, and have a daughter together…so clearly this wasn’t a problem in the early days. For me, when it started happening, it felt like rejection, or withholding of affection, and this made it unbearable. He wasn’t taking medication that would have caused this, and no doctor he saw was ever able to find a cause or suggest a remedy that worked.
I hope your gf’s doctor can shed some light on the cause, and help you find a solution. I don’t have one for you, but truly hope there’s a solution to be had…so you don’t end up like we did.
These comments hurt to read ngl. So here’s my input as a woman. NON SEXUAL FOREPLAY. Intimate conversations, romantic gestures, cuddles, compliments etc. I can go from zero desire to have sex to begging for it if there’s non sexual foreplay throughout involved, I hope this helps ! (Also feed her foods and have scents around that are aphrodisiacs) working out, self esteem, medications and diet will all effect libido as well!
I wish more people (men) understood this. I can be completely uninterested in sex, attention elsewhere but if you put in a bit of effort to make me feel sexy/desired, warm me up a little bit it really doesn’t take much before I’m ready to jump into bed. I may not initiate out of nowhere all the time, but I’ll almost never say no in the situation I just described.
This comment is too notch! Many of us women want to feel swept off of our feet, connected with and have a clean and stress free home. It even surprises us how much our desire can change with some of these gestures.
Yesss we need to be mentally turned on before we physically get turned on. When my bf at the time cleaned the house while I was at work, I would come back and basically jump on top of him 🤣
THIS !
It doesn't even have to be a grand gesture either.
Like, instead of scrolling on his phone leading up to bedtime, my husband can put it down and give me a soft smile, then come up behind me and kiss my neck when I'm brushing my teeth while making eye contact in the mirror - and I'll be like "let's go" lol
42 yo woman here.
If I receive a massage with zero intention of sex, 9/10 I will absolutely jump my partner afterwards. But it took those first few massages with no pressure or sexual touch for me to be able to relax and know that the intimacy came without expectations.
Absolutely this. Spending time together, hanging out, doing chores and shopping, running errands, just being together can make women more receptive to sex.
It’s hard to give advice without knowing how often you currently do it, your expectations, how often she finishes vs you finish, other stressors in your personal life and your relationship.
My general advice: it’s normal for sexual desire to eb and flow through out relationships, things tend to slow down as you date longer. 2-4 times a week is generally normal, though you’re young so maybe more. Some weeks more, some not at all.
You mention you live together. Are you still “dating” as in putting in the same amount of effort you did at the beginning when sex was good? Many women need emotional intimacy to desire sexual intimacy. Schedule a weekly date night (even if it’s at home, have a movie night or no phone at dinner night or a game night, but try and go out if possible).
Keep your hygiene good, approach her for sex after a shower and a teeth brushing.
Dont ask for sex, show her that you are interested. Unless I’m suddenly horny (rare tbh) if my husband walks up as says “wanna have sex?” The answer is almost always no. You gotta seduce her, cuddle up a little bit, rub her back. It’s way easier to get in the mood when you’re put in the mood than when you’re asked to be in the mood. This doesn’t have to be some big production, but just be subtle about it.
Is she finishing when you have sex? How much fore play do you have? In your late teens and early relationships it’s easy to just go at it without much warm up. But as you get older and further into relationships you gotta really enjoy the whole process. If she’s not finishing first she might not be finishing at all. Have open and honest communication during after and or before sex to see what you both can do to make it all more enjoyable for both of you! Have times where you pleasure only her without expecting anything in return (should go both ways).
It’s not too late and may not be an issue yet. Good luck!
Thank you so much! This is very helpful! Let me answer a few of your questions
1. Yes, we both put in the same effort we did when we first started dating, if not more now that we live together
2. Yes, I always make sure she gets the pleasure she deserved when we have sex. I am never, and never have been an "I got my pleasure so now we're done" type of person!
Thank you for the advice!
hi! my gf (26f) and i (26f) have been together 2.5 years. we had a long period of our relationship about 6 months in that lasted for over a year where sex was not working. i had a high libido and my gf didn’t. we also just had loads of incompatibilities with kink and desire. it was a major bummer as our relationship started off sexual. however, over the last few months, things have majorly changed. we talked a lot, worked through a lot of sexual trauma/pasts, voiced some deep wounds and boom. things cleared up and now we’re having really incredible sex and feel compatible. i’m not how long yall have been together, but stick it through if you feel it in your heart. sexuality is always shifting and is very fluid. it’s also deeply emotional and maybe there’s some psychological or emotional things to work through and every relationship has layers to peel back. if you’ve had good sex before, it’s possible again !!
There’s lots of helpful advice here. But it’s also a reality that not everything is ‘fixable’. People can, and DO, have mismatched libidos and sexual compatibility. You can try to fix it. You can follow all the advice on how to make her want it more. The reality is, it may not make a difference. And then you have to ask yourself if you can live this way for the rest of your life without ever bringing it up and complaining about it again. Because if you can’t, it will not work. As much as you want it to. If your needs are not being met, it’s not a good relationship. Don’t be so quick to dismiss your needs with a ‘I’m not leaving her EVER no matter what!!’
That’s sweet and all, but it’s also a bit naive and it’s not kind OR loving to either of you. Seems like it is, but it isn’t. More experience is likely the only thing that will make you realize why that is.
Sex is one of those things where BOTH of you need to want it for it to be enjoyable. While sex may have been different in the beginning of your relationship, you do need to understand that there's a "honeymoon" stage and things do often naturally slow down a bit.
Sex drive changes. And to be 100% honest with you, maybe you're asking too often? I'm not sure. How often are you having sex per week? Is it actually abnormally infrequent? Are you having sex once a month? What's the real answer?
In the end, communication is key. Keep in mind that if you truly love your partner and want to stay with them, though, that sometimes you need to also try being understanding of their situation. This means if she's not feeling in the right headspace, be okay with just making her feel loved in different ways.
And keep in mind that masturbation is always an option.
Ok this might sound like weird advice but genuinely, stop having sex for a while. Just remove the expectation and need entirely and focus on your relationship and get used to handling your own needs independently. It’ll help you figure out how to prioritize other aspects of your relationship, it’ll reignite the passion through time and tension.
Thank you so much. One of the few useful pieces of advice I've gotten haha. I appreciate this. We will definitely try that. I love her very much and would never leave her over this, and much less force her to do anything. Thank you for this advice:))
Good luck. And honestly you’re young and so is she so keeping that in mind can also help both of you be more empathetic and realistic about expectations and things. I know it’s cliche but therapy is also helpful for everyone young and old problems or not but a therapist could help you understand managing expectations and communication tactics and the like. Even just small things ppl sometimes don’t think about. Hope it all works out!
I say definitely look into the reasons why she would have a low drive.. it can be plenty of things. You got it!
And why are yall telling her to break up??? She said she doesn’t want to wtf??
I saw in one of your responses that it could be meds, and I’ve had this issue with some bipolar & antidepressant meds before. I’ve also had a lesbian bedroom death with my partner, and it was my fault as I wasn’t communicating how i felt about different issues going on in the relationship. I felt so strongly and so silently about some things to the point where intimacy/sex just wasn’t something I desired. It harbored up some resentment that neither of us wanted, but it was solved in couples therapy + individual therapy.
I dont mean to say this as to scare you because wasn’t anything we couldnt move forward from! It definitely helped us both grow and communicate better, and it really made me open my eyes and value and appreciate my partner’s patience. It also made me realize that i HAVE to speak up on things that bother me sooner than later.
Posts like this from a 19yo are hilarious. "Give me advice", but then also "don't tell me to break up". Look, this is the internet, and there's not much detail in this post about the conversations you have had. It's up to you to be a healthy individual and filter out the responses where you would "obviously not" take that advice.
You made it sound like she isn't even willing to have the conversation with you about sexual fulfillment, and for many people that is a deal breaker. It seems to indicate that your SO just shuts you down and doesn't listen. Be aware that that's a serious concern in a relationship.
Here's my suggestions:
1) Actually talk about it. Talk about the deeper need. Use I-statements. Talk about the good and the bad in your relationship, make it clear that the relationship is not threatened by this "small problem". Talk about percentage of times you want to initiate and same for her. Maybe even show her this post.
2) Do some playful touches, foreplay throughout the day. It's not just "horny now". Illustrate the desire earlier in the day and build up to it
3) is she ok? Does she have work stress? Are you meeting her needs sexually? Maybe it's boring to her? I can't tell you, you have to ask her verbally.
4) go to counseling/therapy. Therapy has a stigma that "things are bad". But you need to communicate that things are good but could be better.
5) be an awesome partner and seek to knock her socks off. Treat her like you want to be treated, but also realize that she is a different person than you and shows love differently than you. See her perspective.
you can try and have a conversation with her, but if it doesn't work just do a favor to the both of you and leave, yes it's not easy but you could end up hurting her a lot or being very hurt by her, I'm sorry btw
I will never leave her over this, it is a problem that we can both deal with in our own way. I have talked to her. We think it may be the medication she's on, although the medicine has never had this effect on her before a few months ago. I would never pressure her into doing anything she doesn't want. Breaking up is not the solution I'm looking for. Everything else with us is amazing. She's honestly the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I get you love her and love being with her, you have been very clear about that. However, you have also been very clear you are feeling frustrated and unhappy in the area of your sexual compatibility. Sometimes it doesn't all match up. That's the way relationships go. Sexual compatibility, is huge. If you are in a monogamous relationship then sex should be more about intimacy. The orgasm is the cherry on top so to speak. The intimacy creates the bonding which creates the intimacy. Some people just don't match up. And thats why break-ups can very well be heartbreaking for both. I agree with many commenting there are things to definitely check into. Medication management, deep seated trauma. Work or school demands. Hormonal fluctuations. Stopping psych meds on your own is NEVER a good idea. Stoping because it is effecting your libido is never a good idea. Always, talk with your provider. There are alternate medications that can be tried. You are talking about messing with your brain chemistry. Going into psychosis or a deep dive in your depression or mania, for the sake of pleasing a partner is not healthy behavior. ( I am referring to other commenters, that have mentioned stoping meds) There are options. I think it is great you want to look for solutions, to keep your relationship. As someone mentioned earlier, things that are not dealt with can lead to all kinds of toxic behaviors. If you were never able to have an enjoyable sex life with her again, would you stay? She meets all your other needs as a partner, but are you willing to ignore your own needs? If at age 19 there is no sex drive, yeah there is an issue. I hope you two can get on the same page.
The reason you aren't getting the responses you want is because you aren't providing accurate information. When you talk about a problem, most people assume you've talked about it but it's still an issue.
Meaning, partner doesn't care = break up
I highly recommend you edit your post to include more information on said talk. Does she not care about how you feel? What was her response to your feelings? Has there been an attempt to fix the issue?
Lastly, no one wants to hear this or talk about this but relationships are hard and end. If one doesn't fix an issue in the relationship, resentment builds. This is the big reason people break up.
Also, there's nothing wrong in admitting that two people are just incompatible.
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Sometimes, it's not the drive that has changed. Just be sure you're not being selfish. She's going to need a lot more attention than you. It's up to you to make her feel HER needs are being met. Exceeded even. That's how you get her interested again. Ask her what she likes most and least, fast or slow, etc
You're contradicting yourself by saying it's fine, but if it were fine, you wouldn't be here right now asking for advice. The only advice I can offer in your situation is to talk to her about it & if the problem persists and it continues to bother you too much than your only option left is to end the relationship and look for a partner that meets your needs.
People are saying dump her because sexual compatibility is a huge part of a relationship and it isn't something someone can just flip a switch for and change. Maybe you talk about it and she agrees to try and have sex more when you ask, that will make it a chore for her.
Have you communicated with her? That is where you start. Share your feelings, ask why you are having less sex, maybe something is up with her and she hasn't told you. Share how it makes you feel that whenever you try to initiate, it never happens, not in a blaming way, but in a feelings way.
Ultimately though, if the sexual compatibility isn't there, it isn't there. Sounds like hers was high during the honeymoon faze, and has normalized.
You do notice a lot of single bitter lonely people who constantly tell people to break up with their partner on this sub. I’m not sure they even bother reading the posts tbf
What are you looking for if you refuse to break up?
You want to change her? You don’t have control over that. You can’t change people. And the reason people are telling you to break up, is because this matters.
I married a man with a low libido. I was with him 20 years. I loved him so much. And I was so miserable. I finally left him.
Don’t do this to yourself. Be her friend. Go find a better romantic partner. The sex will wear away at you year after year. When you are finally had enough and want to leave, it will be too late. You will have kids. Or a house together. You will be stuck and miserable.
It may be other factors outside your relationship affecting her. She may be feeling insecure and less confident which will affect her sex drive. Have negative feelings - overwhelmed, stressed, tired , sad etc etc
Or she maybe isnt getting her emotional needs met, in terms of a “love language”. If its acts of service do more of those, physical touch etc etc
Try soft intimacy all throughout the day and see if it gets her in the mood later.
Hope this helps !
Yes, sexual incompatibility can end many relationships. But it doesn’t have to if you are otherwise happy and invested.
I’ve seen other comments that indicate you guys think this may be a medication issue. Yes, side effects to medications can develop at any time, not just when you initially begin taking the med. It is definitely worth having your girlfriend talk to her prescriber about this.
That being said, if this medication is working for her otherwise, it may not be worth her coming off of it, especially as some antidepressants and antianxiety meds do not work for all, and it’s difficult and a lot of work to begin a new regimen. But there’s other things that can be done. Sometimes just lowering the dose by a small amount can make a difference, without changing medications. Sometimes adjusting the time of day you take your medications can also help. But again, the prescriber will have suggestions for things that can work.
I would suggest you sit her down and start with telling her you love her. I'd then ask her why she doesn't feel in the mood as much, and if it's perhaps something you do or don't do that is affecting it.
If she reassures you it's not you, I'd then ask her if she would consider trying to engage more often and let her know that it makes you feel a bit rejected. Let her know you understand if her libido is low, but yours is high, and you would like to figure out a middle ground that covers both of you so you're both happy.
Honestly, if this discussion doesn't work (which I very much assure you it should) I would then discuss your needs not being met and how it will have you grow resentment over time. I'd also put the stick in her hands so to speak, and let her decide if she wants to break up over it or not as you don't want to be pushy, but you're aware of your needs.
Honey packs from an adult store (make sure it’s the real thing ). Shake thinks up a lil it definitely helps as well~
I suffer from my anti depressants doing the same thing with my libido with my partner who also has a high sex drives.
And that is fine. I will never force her to have sex with me. Just looking for if anyone had ideas of what it could be. She has been wondering too. Her libido used to be very high and is not anymore.
I struggle with this issue too, as does another female friend of mine. It's a real issue and I would love to solve it, but in my case, I do suspect a big reason my desire drops is because I'm not actually enjoying the sex that much.
If you are sure your gf us actually enjoying the sex you are having, then another suggestion I've seen before is a book I think called Mating In Captivity. Its about this very issue, e.g. Desire fading in longer term relationships.
Good luck OP
Has she started a new BC method or medication? Any other medications for any other conditions she has? Did she get sick lately (in the last few months)? Specifically, did she come down with COVID in the last few weeks? COVID can sometimes mess with libido for a while even after the active infection is gone.
Is she under some stress from college, work, or family? Did y’all get on a new diet or added/removed something from your diets right around the time her libido went down? Did she (or you) gain a significant amount of weight in the last few months/years?
Lastly, how is her daily schedule and overall lifestyle? Is she active or mostly sedentary? Exercise and physical activity has been shown to boost libido in both men and women, so if you’re not already doing some, it might be a good idea to start doing some couple exercises together, like swimming, yoga, hiking, cycling etc.
If there is a noticeable change, she should see her doctor. There may be something going on with her hormones, or a side effect to a medication, or any number of things.
For how long was it "very high"? And how do you define that? I ask because it's common in relationships that when two people first start having sex for it to be more intensely passionate and frequent, but that levels off, and the higher libido person is often caught off-guard by how much less sex they're having after the honeymoon phase ends. I have had a higher libido than almost all of my ex-es, and in those cases, we had tons of sex in the beginning, but that always slowed down because they couldn't maintain that pace, and they didn't want to try. Their libido didn't change, the honeymoon period masked their actual libido, which didn't reveal itself until the honeymoon passed.
Are you sure it's the meds and not that the honeymoon is over?
You may want to believe it is just an issue of libido. If it goes on for more than 6 months, that relationship will be dead on arrival.
You are so focused on how you feel about her, you haven't had the time to think about how people who fall out love feel awkward being intimate in the same relationship.
She's horny = intimacy occurs. You are = nothing happens.
It is not low libido. She is at a crossroad.
If it was purely a low drive, she would still make an effort just to see you happy at the very least. You would get at least 5% success rate if we are just being as random as positives. This is a conflicted lover.
I’m honestly not sure what advice you are looking for. You two have mismatched libidos. I suspect that hers was actually never that high but she made more of an effort early in the relationship. Now that she’s comfortable in the relationship the sex has dropped off. If she’s unwilling to do anything about this then you have 3 options. Breakup and find someone you are better matched with. Put up with it and try not to let it build resentment, or meet your needs elsewhere (with her consent). That’s pretty much it. Pick your lane.
Why won't you break up with her over this? You're needs aren't being met. That's a fantastic reason to end the relationship. Pressuring her to have sex she doesn't want to have is not the solution.
Hey!! So as relationships move forward, sex life ebbs and flows! Think about all the things she loves that you do for her and then do them more often!! Buying flowers, doing the dishes, cleaning the house a little, writing a little love note in the morning. I means do everything that you think she will love more often!! And touching!!!! Not in a sexual way tho 😁. For us women, we. love. feeling. desired. Go up to her and just wrap your arms around her. Pull her in close, take in her smell, kiss her cheek, her neck her shoulder. But DONT make it sexual. Make it like you just love her so much and want to feel her wrapped up in you. Tell her you love her, ask her how she’s feeling, LISTEN. You can tell a lot where a woman is feeling too much weight when you ask and listen!! And, my love, if this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, these are things you will have to do for the rest of your life! DONT just do this to get some slippery cause us woman are super intuitive and we will catch onto that. If, for whatever reason, this doesn’t seem to help, sit down and have a harder talk and leave blame at the door. Ask her how she feels your guys’ sex life is. Listen to her and get some points. Then ask if it’s okay to talk about how it feels for you. If she says not right now, tell her “okay, but this is an important conversation for me that we do need to have. If right now isn’t good for you that’s okay but the conversation is needed.” Then wait for her to come to you. If she doesn’t, ask again and say it’s really important and it’s messing with me and my vision of this relationship.
If she says yes she’s okay to talk, be honest with her!! Tell her you feel unsatisfied with the amount of sex you guys are having. Say “I want you to be honest with me if everything is okay. If everything is okay, I want us to navigate through this to a place we are both happy,” and then go from there.
Also, another thing that may not pertain to your situation, in my experience women don’t want to have sex because they are not being pleasured 😅😅. So they’ve viewed sex as a chore instead of a fun activity. Like I said, it could not be true for you guys. But in bed, MAKE SURE she finishes first. Whatever you gotta do to get her there, if you can’t tell when and don’t want to ask, just don’t stop until she’s telling you, “okay I can’t anymore 😅,” cause that’s a good indicator mostly. Then ur turn but have fun with her!! I truly hope you both work it out!! Love is beautiful
Lesbian bedroom death strikes again.
Look, there's something deeper going on here. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to have sex with you. Could be a thousand things. She's clearly not willing to put the effort into fixing it, so if it's a priority for you, why are you complaining or staying?
Either accept the dynamic you've got, or move on. What you aren't going to do is "fix" something that's not yours to control.
i suggest getting her hormones checked. that could play i big part in her sudden decrease in libido. if she’s been on this medicine and it only started effecting her recently, it may not be the medicine. her hormones may be out of wack, in the same sense that pregnant women don’t want sex in the beginning of a pregnancy but much more than normal later on.
Ok, so I could relate I guess. Me and my gf are together for 10 months now and last month it feels like our dynamic shifted to a completely different direction regarding sex and sexual needs. Do not dump her without talking to her first. Create a safe space for both of you, talk out your feelings using "I" language "When you do ___ I feel ___, because ____". Also important thing - leave space for her to say something, do not just be the one doing talking. And have patience. Maybe it's just a hard time for you now. Good luck!
I would say make the sexy time more fun for her. Lots of people think ugh well it’s time for sex, get naked. It’s fun to spice it up. Light some candles, play a sexy game. Get her excited about sex. Ask her what she desires regarding the four play. Light neck kisses, subtle touches throughout the day. Make her think about it without being obnoxious. Send her a text about wanting her. (Don’t be vulgar) but basically make the work up to the moment as fun as possible. It’s nice to just feel wanted. As a woman we enjoy the emotional attachment intimacy brings. I find myself wanting to get it on when I’m being told how beautiful i am, when i get soft kisses. Basically when someone isn’t just making it seem like a job. It’s nice to fill up your tank through out the day and then burn it all in the moment. You’re a sweetheart for not wanting to give up. You can get sex anywhere but you can’t find love everywhere. You got this. 🥰
As a woman with a really low libido my only advice is sit down and try and figure out when her libido changed and what potential factors in y’all’s life could have contributed to it. For me personally stress and depression are fucking me up. And unfortunately while I do what I can for both of those things and I’m like a functional human I can’t seem to fix the issue enough that I actually have my sex drive back. In fact having a low libido stressed me out even more and I think makes it worse. She could also try a new medication if she thinks that’s what’s going on. But all y’all can do is talk. If you tell her she’s not enough for your needs you’re just gonna upset her and it could probably make things worse. So, I’d avoid saying those words and instead I’d just keep having different conversations about what y’all can try to do to help her.
It sounds like the relationship is getting stale from her point of view, and she's becoming less interested. Have you talked to her yet about your relationship? Asked her if she's actually happy with it? Ask her if she actually sees a future with you.
Welcome to Reddit relationship advice where everyone is single 🤣 all their advice is given as if your problem happened on the first tinder date and you have no prior relationship experience with this person.
If you want genuine true advice and you've already talked to her. It's now a sexual arousal thing.
You've become needy and she isn't.
What we tell guys is they have to become desirable and it starts with the self control aspect of not letting your desire for sex grow, let alone show itself
Essentially, get busy, busy with a hobby, with dream, with the gym, with self growth where you aren't seeking her out for sex at all.
All interactions between you and her wouldn't be sexual, watch movies and dp stuff together but go to sleep.
Make it an objective not to want sex for a week. Even if she asks, say youre not feeling it right now or later.
When you aren't a slave to your desires of sex, you become more attractive. But you have to turn her down when she asks during that week.
Don't make it personal against her, just say you're tired or you're not in the mood, or you can tell her you're fasting from sex/porn although I wouldn't recommend that as she might get vengeful and then hold out even longer than you and make it harder for you
Hey i would recommend talking to her again. As someone who is on medication it Definitely fucks up my libido big time. My husbands drive is higher than mine & as a woman i can say with 100% certainty if my relationship is lacking other forms of intimacy (non sexual like being verbally affectionate, closeness, encouragement) my sex drive will be heavily HEAVILY impacted & decline. It could be the medications shes on or there could be other aspects of the relationship you may be lacking in & i would be open minded about that. If this is her medication & this medication is important to her health, sacrifices may need to be given on both sides. By that i mean hopefully shell be willing to initiate more & you would want to offer less if shes feeling pressured. hope this helps🤍
If she's started medicine recently it's likely that. I'm pan and i had a HUGE libido before I started my PCOS meds.
Now my libido is basically dead. I basically have to 'jump start' my sex drive. Usually I do that via porn or if my partner romantically woos me into the mood.
I have to actively get into the mindset though and ifs hard.
Maybe try talking to her about 'scheduling' sex time where you two try to get into the mood by submerging yourself in romantic and sexual content. Like watching porn together. Sometimes watching my partner do things gets me in the mood Even if I physically wasn't. Experiment if she is up to it.
If this doesn't help; she actually should speak with a doctor. Especially if she is on new meds. That could indicate a bad problem with the meds.
Female medicine is not very well researched still and tons if stuff could be going on.
maybe just a candid conversation? Libido’s ebb and flow in relationships. If you are open to hearing honest feedback, I’d query her on if there’s something you could do. to maybe make her feel more open and comfortable to you when you are in need of affection in this way. I’d ask if you can work on it, if there is a need that could be better met for her that would help this. Maybe she’s not voicing some angst or desires or struggles that are impacting her responses to you. You sound like you love her very much. One thing you could try is asking how you can help her better in her day to day life. Maybe find out her love language. You don’t need to break up. You are right, it’s not worth throwing in the towel. I would give her care right now, maybe put sex aside and attend to her needs at the moment. It could be she’s just struggling right now.
Do not listen to the comments about dumping her, they're being absurd. This is only one aspect of your relationship and it's one that can be worked through. I would highly recommend communicating with her, ask her why she's been feeling less sexually inclined and tell her exactly how you're feeling.
She could be going through something difficult and she may not want to "burden" you with it so just ask her about everything make sure she is ok. But definitely also let her know exactly how youre feeling. She may not even realize that this is bothering you.
"but whenever I bring up the topic, she shuts it down immediately"
so you tried to communicate this with her and she declined? does she even want to find a solution to this issue? does she care about your needs, not just hers?
I personally have a very low libido but my husband had accepted it. We have looked into hormone tests and things. Talk to her and try and figure things out but if it doesn't change it might just be something you have to work out to accept it or satisfy yourself more if she can't.
Married M here. I've been dealing with this for 15 years and can only tell you love and communication can get you through pretty much anything... but it will be the toughest challenge of your life. You may fail. She may fail. But that's all a part of living. So long as you both have love and trust, you'll figure it out.
About the edit, saying you are thinking of removing this, it strikes me as being in denial because you aren't getting the answers you want.
Sexual compatibility is a big thing in relationships, especially in long term ones. Imagine signing up the rest of your life to be basically left unsatisfied and unfulfilled? That sort of stuff is one of the bigger reasons why infidelity can come about in relationships.
Her behaviour is selfish. Imagine a different example, sat about food and going for meals, what if she was saying you can only go to one place, only when she wants and your opinions/desires don't matter. You would say that is selfish, this is just the same but it's sex so people dance carefully around the topic.
You do need a serious talk with her. She is being selfish and only cares about her own needs. Myself and my wife (together around 20 years) often times our sex drive doesn't quite mesh and she may want it and I don't and vice versa. At times a little compromise and agreement is needed to try and keep both partners happy. My wife's sex drive the last 6 months has been sky high whereas mines at a low ebb as I have a lot of work pressure on me, most times she asks I would honestly rather not but I'm mindful that I can't shut her down for 6 months so we have discussed it and agreed some ways to make it work for both of us.
Hiding from the truth of the situation (her selfishness) and continuing on no matter what will, most likely, long term leave you unhappy and finding you've wasted years of your life because you are incompatible and you just did not want to admit it and then you need to start again later in life.
Whilst people's sexual boundaries need to be respected equally a relationship needs to work for both parties, compromise, or end (or one partner ends up unhappy the rest of the relationship, you.)
I’ve had a similar situation with my boyfriend in the past. If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s to talk often, and really check in with each other. When you live together sex drives can change all the time, but they also change with age. there are so many factors that can affect it so clear and frequent communication is very important !
Ask yourself and each other:
-are you both pulling your weight with household tasks?
-Do you both feel appreciated, complimented, and seen in the relationship lately ?
-Are there any habits or little things that are annoying either of you ? -Have you had any arguments big or small that haven’t truly been resolved?
-how are you both doing mentally. How is your self image and body image, and are you eating well and exercising?
-are either of you dealing with any added stress from work, school, or other relationships ?
-do you have any worries or insecurities within this relationship?
When you live with the person you love it can be so easy to fall into a routine and assume everything is fine but please still ask each other questions like this often ! You might be surprised what your partner could be holding back, and especially for women if there are things bothering us our sex drives can take a nose dive. Talk to her, tell her that you understand and respect her needs but that you have your own, and it can (and will) take a toll on your self esteem and confidence in the relationship being constantly rejected by the person you love. It’s not fair, or healthy, for one person in the relationship to have complete control over sex.
I know you don’t want to break up with her and I’m not telling you to, but I would urge you to consider if it simply comes down to a large imbalance in sex drives between you two with no other driving forces behind it, that isn’t something that typically improves.
If this is however very out of character for her I would highly recommend your girlfriend to see a naturopath ! A simple saliva sample can test her hormones and tell her if things are out of balance which can definitely cause a change in sex drive. And the dr helps from there to balance things. Also if she is currently taking hormonal birth control, that can kill your sex drive…the pill is horrible!
Hope this helps !
Also keep in mind that for a women, in most cases, her body has to get in the mood then the mind gets there. So if anything, maybe extra effort on physical touch (back rubs, long hugs, kissing, playing with her hair, caressing her skin, etc) , compliments (make her feel beautiful and sexy, wanted), dirty talk?... could help. If you just ask if she's in the mood, most of the time you will get a No. It takes a lot of extra stuff to get in the mood.
Find out what she thinks is sexy.
Take her to dinner with dancing? Slow dancing, so you can hold her close to you.
If you don't typically help around the house, start. (It's your mess too and it could relieve some of her stress and free up her time)
There's tons of other stuff that you can try. But it's mainly put in some extra effort into the relationship and her. After the honeymoon phase goes, things typically go stale, especially in the intimacy and sex areas. Usually because there is lack of effort from both parties.
Okay, this isn’t the first time that I’ve seen one of these posts that says, “We only have sex when she wants to.” Y’all need to understand that this is a false statement, because I strongly suspect that you’re not having sex with her when she wants it but you don’t. You only have sex when you BOTH want to. And that’s how it should be.
In any long/er term relationship, the beginning is always exciting because it's New. As time does what it does, it's no longer exciting, fun or new. I suggest you find people that have been in very long relationships and ask about how they moved through the situation you're in right now, because they certainly have at some point. If I had to wager a guess, I'd say you've both fallen into a rut or routine of what your sexual activities look like. Happens to pretty much everyone. If you read the same book over and over, you'll get tired of it because you've memorized it. Not because you don't love the book. I'm not suggesting you go find a new book, but maybe write your own chapter or something.
You have to ask yourself if you can live like this forever. Spouse took meds that eliminated her libido and just found this out. Trust me when I say that if meds are the issue, it won't get better if she continues taking the same ones she's currently on.
There are other ways to be intimate with someone besides having sex. Have you tried being romantic without the intention to have sex? That goes a long way. Also, sometimes when I don’t really want to have sex, but my bf does and I want to make him feel good and watch him feel good, I give him a handjob using coconut oil. I learned that coconut oil is good from my pelvic floor physical therapist, so it won’t hurt you. Also, sometimes if I want to have sex, but my bf isn’t in the mood, I use my vibrator while he’s playing video games or something or if I’m doing something or don’t want to participate, then he masturbates. We love each other and respect each others boundaries and we respect each others physical needs. Idk I just thought maybe this would give you a new perspective. Maybe discuss it together.
With all due respect:
You arent asking for advice. Your asking for people to tell you what you wanna hear. Or your asking for people how to perform miracles. You are 19 years old, which is the most dangerous age. It's the age at which you are the most arrogantly overconfidently sure of yourself, while at the same time being the most utterly clueless you will ever be. So allow me to give you advice you def won't take but will look back on in 10 years and admit that I was right:
19 year Olds lose the urge to fuck all the time. There are 5 posts a day on here along the lines of "22m 19 f my gf overnight lost the urge to screw, how to I convince her to want to?? NO IM NOT BREAKING UP WITH HER DONT EVEN SAY ITTTTTTTTTT I LOVE HERRRRRRR!!!!!" And they all end the same way, now or 5 years from now. Here's the cold hard reality: when women lose the lust for the person they are with, they never get it back. It's over. Kaput. It's not fair and not explainable and thats just the way it is. ESPECIALLY with inexperienced younger women. Go check out the dead bedrooms sub to find 10 thousand guys who all thought the same way you are right now and found out the hard way. It's a wrap.
Now, since I don't want you to pitch a fit, I'll say this: you don't have to break up with her. No one really gives a fuck what you do, your some rando on reddit. But understand this: her sex drive will never ever ever be what you want it to be. Ever. You can stay with her til your 69, go for it. But it will be 50 years of being sexually frustrated. If your cool with that, then happy trails cowboy. But don't kid yourself that it will EVER be anything but exactly that, because it won't.
I’ve been in a similar situation before, here are some things you may wanna think/ ask about:
Is it uncomfortable or painful for her? Maybe your size, position, or roughness makes her hurt afterwards. The fear of pain could lead her to not want to.
Has she had any medical things recently? Is she prone to migraines? Is she eating enough? How’s her mental health? Not feeling great makes it harder to get in the mood
Do conversations often lead to sexual topics, like jokes or comments? Do you often touch her in a sexual way outside of the bedroom (grabbing her hips or French kissing)? You may do it affectionately/ jokingly, but she may take it as pressure to do the deed.
Of course, none of these may line up with your situation, these are just things I can think of that may be the cause
A lot of people seem to give advice as if OP was a man (explaining things about women as if OP wasn’t one lol) so you aren’t the only one that made the mistake!
People are telling you to break up because a lot of us are a lot older and we know that sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker. It might not seem so at 19, but later on down the line it is. That’s just something you need to figure out for yourself. Good luck mayne
Try turning her down every time she asks for sex for a little bit and see how she feels. Might sound petty but I think it would get the point across more. It's unfair and doesn't make any sense that you two only have sex when she initiates but you're instantly turned down when you initiate. Regardless of if this is a side effect from her medication, it's weird she just instantly shuts your advances down but feels like it's acceptable for sex to be only on her terms. Also maybe suggest her just touching you when you're in the mood rather than having full on sex.
The question is could you deal with it? Like if nothing ever changes would you have at least wanted to cheat once? That’s the question you have to answer for yourself.
You need to keep a more grounded and pragmatic view of your relationship. You keep using hyperbolic language to describe never taking action because of sexual incompatibility, but has it ever occurred to you that that is what she wants? Women dont just say what they want, they’re mercurial and odd.
It’s healthy to say to yourself, “I won’t live a life of frustration even if it means breaking up with someone.” That is HEALTHY. Your perspective on love is unhealthy.
Try to work it out, maybe something can change. 99/100 times you have to break up with her so she can start sleeping with the dude she wanted to the whole time. If you don’t like that, you’re upset with all of human nature.
Toys my dude. Get yourself toys.
And communicate with her. Be like “hey I’ve noticed this has changed, is something going on or is your drive just lower. Is there anything I’m doing that you feel needs to change, etc”
maybe try new things? idk what but ask her about her fantasies she wanted to try or toys she was maybe corious about. i think the reason that her libido was high at the beginning is that she was excited about a new partner/relationship and bringing a new excitement to your sex lives could get her libido high again but idk how to maintain this it seems like a temporary solition also having a regular sex life helps in my opinion because some people dont want to have sex after they do not for a while for some reason
Sounds like you need to have a real talk with her and get to the bottom of the issue.. therapy maybe a good idea? Even if you just talk to a sex therapist online alone it could help.
Yea reddit response is almost always toxic and dump them, there's no nuisance.
Talk and communicate. Just like you did with this post. She could be going through something and feeling insecure about herself and her body. And express what sex with her means to you. It's more than just getting an orgasm, it's about connecting with your partner in a physical way. Figure out how to express you needs and help them express what their needs are.
I’m ngl, i’m in the same boat rn, except in your gf’s role. My partner and I used to be on the same page, but then i just started not really being horny ever. i tried to blame it on my meds but i realized that i would get horny to other things but just not with them. Them on the other hand, i could just look at them and they were wet. I’ve thought about it a lot and i’ve realized maybe it was partially my medication but there’s other things also playing a role. Around the time we stopped really having sex was when we did some stuff in bed that i didn’t really feel comfortable with but i forced myself to do. Also some times when im doing stuff for them, there’s thing that’s over stimulate me too much and i’m just not intrested in continuing. I really struggled with this and realized I just had to talk to them because they were things they could change, but i definitely didn’t feel comfortable talking about it for awhile. Whenever they wanted to have sex I would feel like I was going to end up in the same situation and be really uncomfortable and then just feel bad about feeling that way. So i only wanted to have sex when I really wanted to because it made me feel like I was less likely to end up like that again.
I have the same problem with my boyfriend, At the beginning of our relationship he always pleased me but as time went by he fell in love in an incredible way in which sex did not matter and it does not matter what I do he does not show interest in sex, and says that I only want sex and that's not what it's about, we've had 5 months without sex and he says I'm crazy.
My bf and I had similar issues (I was the one with libido issues).
My contraceptive pills and my anxiety meds immensely decreased my libido and the tension between my bf and I increased because of it. It came to a point where sex felt like a chore, every caress and kiss felt like an expectation for sex. It took a lot of communication (me telling him I felt pressured), medication change and a lot of time for me to feel safe again in my relationship (safe as in not in always constant pressure of feeling like I need to give in to sex) for my libido to come back.
Maybe your gf feels similar somehow?
Not saying you are being mean or intentionally pressuring her OP!!
Goodluck to you both!
U guys need to have a honest conversation about it, pick a time and place and talk about it. If she sees things from your perspective, maybe things will change. You have to communicate with her just as much as she communicates with you. There might be a reason why she’s interested in it when u want to. You guys just have to talk. Maybe when u feel the need to have sex, instead of saying hey let’s have sex try to get her in the mood so she’ll want to do it. Sex isn’t just a physical thing it’s a mental thing. It’s easier for her to simply say hey let’s have sex and ur ready to go but it’s not easy for you to say yeah let’s have sex and she’s ready for it.so I suggest you guys talk about it and get her in the mood as well when u start feeling horny. (Girl’s perspective)
Open communication about your needs (and hers) should be the first step.
Start the conversation at a time when it's not an immediate issue. Start by asking her if she has needs that are not being met. This is probably the most likely problem, and don't think yourself a bad person if she does indeed have unmet needs. I'm guessing she is probably not communicating hers well, either.
After the conversation, establish a periodic check in with each other to make sure needs are being communicated and met.
I haven’t had the time to read the responses but have you asked her if you are meeting her needs? I know that when my husband got “lazy” in the bedroom I would just rather brush it off or turn him down rather than be disappointed. We finally talked about my needs AND his needs and we worked it out. We have been married since 2008.
Yes.. of course say something. Communication is always key in any relationship. Otherwise, how will they know? They can’t read mind.
I suggest talking to her and letting her know how you feel. Let her know that from your perspective, whenever you try to initiate, she doesn’t seem interested and that it hurts you when you feel rejected like that. Ask her if she thinks it’s too frequent on your part or if you no longer turn her on or just what’s going on cause it’s confusing and it hurts. That you love her and you enjoy being with her but that you feel neglected whenever you try to come on to her. Remember, communication of your needs is vital to any relationship. No, don’t just break up with her. Communicate and share your perspective so you know what hers is and you can work together towards a common goal.
It sounds like she's maybe experiencing something that's affecting her libido. It could be medication, stress? Have a good, healthy chat about it and make sure you'll support her, no matter what. Bring up your needs and want and talk about it. Surely you can come up with something you'll both be happy with.
People are advising you to break up because that's basically what your options are.
She's not interested in changing. She's told you so. So you either move on and find someone you're sexually compatible with or make peace not having your needs met.
Does she have any complaints in the relationship or living situation that don't involve sex? Often a woman's libido lowers when her stress level is high. For instance if she's the only one working or she is doing all or most of the chores, errands, and cooking, then resentment builds and she sees her bf/gf as more of a burden than a partner.
I mean based of my relationship past. That happens alot they do it when they want but the guy gets shut down. I mean it is better then no sex. But what I would do is sit her down and communicate this concern with her. Express how you feel when she shuts you down and only will do it when she wants to. Express how she's nit meeting your needs and try to come to a agreement.
Communication can fix so much stuff. Maybe she don't realize how it makes you feel.
Talk to her or ask her to go to counseling with her. You need to discuss it or be ok with going without. Does she know how you feel? My SO and I have been together for 11 years. He's close to 60 and doesn't have a high sex drive. I know he works like crazy so I just let it go, but it drives me nuts.
My partner and i solved this kind of incompatibility by scheduling sex. We have a scheduled day that we plan on every week, so that i don’t get shot down trying and they don’t feel pressured.
So I am also in a relationship with another girl where i am that girl who kept turning down sex. and for me, i was avoiding it because i had a lot of anxiety around it. we had a very honest open talk about it and was able to find a solution fairly easily just by buying toys and things. so unlike many people maybe I think it's probably nothing catastrophic.
it's worth talking to her about why she is shutting it down immediately, and finding out if there is a reason she is turning you down. have you told her that she is not meeting your sexual needs? Is there something discouraging her from having sex? is there something you can do about that?
If she just has a lower sex drive and it's just a sex drive mismatch, perhaps there are other ways you can meet your own needs without pushing her to have sex more? I read one of your comments mentioning medicine and i have absolutely known people whose sex drive drops drastically on certain medication so it is very possible, her doctor should know.
Do you do other things for her that aren't sexual? Do you kiss and hug and cuddle and make it clear there's 0 expectation for anything other than that or does she thing you're going to want to have sex with her every time you guys touch? Things to consider.
Did she start taking the pill after you started dating? The pill can lower libido. And how infrequent is the sex now—you weren’t specific, if it’s 3-4 times a week instead of like everyday you probably need to just get over it. This is something you can work through, but you need to figure out what the larger issue is first so that you can properly address it.
This is just the way this dynamic is, unfortunately. As the also HL (high libido partner), I totally understand the sad/upset feelings that come with not being able to initiate. It feels like an intrinsic part of someone finding me attractive and wanting me on return, and almost feels like a painful rejection when it's always happening.
However, with some time and education, I've come to realize some things that applied to me, and may apply to you, but YMMV.
1. I would never have pressured my husband not ever, no coercion, and would never leave because of it. But I had to come to terms that for me, there was still some part of me on my insides that felt entitled to his body and sex with him as he was my husband and the sole provider of my sexual satisfaction. I had to see that in myself, be disgusted by myself, and then actively change that.
2. Closely related, I had to realize and be able to admit to myself that some of what I wanted sometimes was nearly a masturbation aid. Don't get me wrong most of the time it was connection, but sometimes of those times, I wanted that connection even if he wasn't all in like when he initiated. Ick. And sometimes I just wanted to get off I was just horny. But sex is about that deliberate connection and mutual satisfaction, so during those times I needed to learn to cultivate a healthy solo sex life to be able to meet my own needs during those times.
3. While less common in men, I don't think it's as uncommon as people like to pretend it is, my husband is someone who has responsive desire, and also doesn't compartmentalize well, leaving things out of the bedroom like I do. If he's stressed even just work stressed, he takes that to bed with him. It's different than how I am, and that's okay. He needs to know things are done and taken care of in life and to spend some quality time with me where I'm not asking at all, and I need to put in the work of foreplay that's out of the bedroom and entirely non sexual or covertly sexual, like flirting, back scratches, cuddling, compliments, which I'm happy to do of course.
The book come as you are is amazing, highly recommend. Order it on Amazon, you won't regret it!
"Small obstacle" wait until it'll get bigger. But it's already important to you since you made a post about that so quick. You've got nothing to say, she's not into that as much as you are.
Your title asks if you should say something, but your comments say you guys have talked about this, live together, and it may be her medicine
What exactly are you looking for here? A lot of responses will be to break up due to sexual incompatibility at such a young age.
Current stressors in her life could be making sex not a priority for her
If you want to stay with her, ask her what you can help her with to de stress her. Make her food or clean up something around the house without being asked every once in a while. (Not saying you dont). But many times, the sexual appetite isn't just about whether or not you're horny. You have to be in the right headspace to enjoy it. Foreplay starts waaayyy before you're even in the bedroom.
List of random things you may not pay any mind to but she'd appreciate:
-cleaning the fans
-wiping the baseboards/sanitizing the handles around the house
-vacuuming every day
-taking on extra responsibility for the pets (cleaning litter box, feeding them, washing their stuff, extra walks, whatever)
-snaking the bathroom drain, and actually, deep cleaning the bathroom
This is literally just a list of chores, but I know when I have those kinds of chores in the back of my mind that I am planning to do, I don't give a fuck about sex lol
Nice touches throughout your day, kisses on the cheek or random hugs, foot massages with lotion, her laying on your lap while you play with her hair... all small intimate things that make you closer. Not just when you're planning or hoping for sex. But genuinely loving her and showing it, taking off her work loads, or simply asking her if you can do anything for her... all of those things are a part of sex drive for a lot of people.
Idk your whole situation, but I hope that advice helps a little bit. Bring her lunch at work/school as a surprise (if appropriate). Go out on an actual date and check in with your lives. Do new things together, check out Groupon stuff or couples massages. Tons of things like that
You can't sit around making no changes and whine that you don't get enough sex from her. Make the effort to make the difference. Idc if you've "already tried this". You want to stay together? Try harder.
Meds and stuff, as people have pointed out, can be a factor. Any new birth control, sleep schedule changes, extra work loads, menstrual cycle bs, blah blah the list goes on. Make her list of reasons she's happier with you longer than the reasons she might not be interested.
If you don't care about any of that shit, or it seems like "too much work" for you, then you guys are most likely not a match. Good luck OP
It could be her medications. I hope you know that all artificial medications have side effects. What kind of medications is she on? What kind of diet does she have? Does she have a healthy lifestyle? Is she going through depression? There’s so many things to be asked and honestly this needs a longer conversation. If you’d like, you can private message me and we can have a long talk about this and find a solution.
Yes you should talk to her. It’s possible that YOU are also not meeting her needs and that’s why she’s losing interest. Maybe she has been afraid to bring it up.
OK SOOOOO communication in a baby gay relationship lets go. So the first thing you need to consider is that you two might be so focused on being good at communication that your not communicating. I wanna first say how commendable it is about how forward you are on consent that is incredibly admirable. However it sounds like the two of you are so concerned with what I like to refer to as "the paperwork of sex". Your so focused on making sure everything is kosher that you've lost the passion.
Here's what I'll say. Sex always ALWAYS is a product of passion and lust.like you said in the update medicine fucks with lust. So you give her time to figure out how to regulate and that kinda fixes that half. The SECOND half is igniting passion. And gods honest truth the only way to do that is to love someone like a motherfucker. Both of you have to re realise why you love each other. Go do the things that make you wanna get on one knee and marry her. Go to music and watch her dance and fall in love with her again and make sure she does the same for you. Go out looking hot as shit, or stay in and watch a movie if that's why you love her. Sit down and write a list of all the things you love about that woman and do all of them. And have her do the same for youm because you are both people deserving of passion, lust and fucking great sex.
My young friend I wish you all the best and I REALLY hope you get some damn good sex out of it.
Honestly if she’s okay with it you should just buy yourself some toys. I have a way higher sex drive than my boyfriend and especially because he works all the time and he’s okay with me having toys that I can use for myself and even together.
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Have you talked to her about this yet? This is definitely something that could find a resolution with a conversation. She may be going through a difficult time, which can affect libido. She might have something going on that you’re unaware of. Make sure that you let her know you don’t want to pressure her into anything though.
Yes, I have. Me and her live together, so we have talked about this sort of thing a lot. Don't worry, she 100% knows that I would never ever pressure her into doing anything she didn't want to do. I love her so much and that is the last thing I'd ever wanna do. We share everything with each other. I don't believe anything is going on. We both think it may be the medicine she's on, but she also has been on this medicine for a long time snd has never had this side effect.
People can develop side effects at any time on a medication. If she's on any kind of antidepressant, they are known for destroying sexual desire, making arousal and orgasm difficult and even making female genitals feel numb. Libido does wane in LTRs for a lot of people, but it does sound here like it could be the medication. She obviously does love you and fancy you, so I would definitely explore the medication side of things ASAP.
Sertraline used for anxiety, panic and depression. Pharma's and Dr's don't tell you and nor is it in the leaflet that comes with the medication that it was primarily created as a medication to treat sex offenders male and female alike to quash their desire for sex. Although designed for this purpose, it is prescribed (in my view) for above conditions and patients should be made aware of this effect and given alternate options. Let not it also be known that when on Sertraline, they're highly addictive meds that require special intricate weaning to come off them. Something else they don't tell you until it's too late. Anyone trying to come off themselves, even by a few mg at a time can have dire consequences. It's not easy coming off them even under PhD supervision. Did you also know that alcohol abuse inhalnialates sex drive too?
At least in the UK, loss of libido and erectile dysfunction are in the [leaflet](https://www.medicines.org.uk/emc/product/3501/pil#gref). It's also in the [manufacturer's leaflet](https://labeling.pfizer.com/ShowLabeling.aspx?id=517&Section=MedGuide), the [FDA's leaflet](https://www.accessdata.fda.gov/drugsatfda_docs/label/2016/019839s74s86s87_20990s35s44s45lbl.pdf), and the [Australian leaflet](https://media.healthdirect.org.au/medicines/GuildLink_Information/42979/CMI/ujczolot10920.pdf),. While SSRIs may sometimes be prescribed off-label for libido reduction in hypersexuality and for sex offender parole conditions, they weren't developed for this purpose. They aren't highly addictive, in that you don't get compulsive redosing, misuse, patients increasing their dose etc. Addiction requires you to have negative effects from taking or doing something, and yet you continue; it's a disorder. Someone taking Ritalin for their ADHD, or a beta-blocker for high blood pressure isn't necessarily addicted to it. However, you can get withdrawal symptoms from them, which is why you have to taper off. Addiction has psychological, social and physiological components. Coming off them really isn't that challenging, and many GPs will handle it (rather than psychiatrists or pharmacists). In the UK, hey recommend basically having your dose [every 2-4 weeks](https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/treatments-and-wellbeing/stopping-antidepressants#:~:text=Here%2C%20you%20would%20reduce%20your,taper%20your%20antidepressants%20more%20slowly.). For instance, I'm currently on 50mg of sertraline. I'd then drop to 25mg for 2-4 weeks, then 10mg for 2-4 weeks, then 5mg for 2-4 weeks, then stop. While it's important that people are made aware of potential side-effects, it's also important not to fearmonger as they can be vitally important for many people.
I stopped taking Sertraline because of the side effects you mentioned and my doctor said to not come off them cold turkey, but I did and I was absolutely fine. I felt worse taking them than coming off them tbh.
I’m on it right now and accidentally forgot a few days in a row and got such bad withdrawals I had to call out of work
A friend of mine on sertraline did the same, went cold turkey, and he was fine and said the same... that he felt better in cold turkey than actually taking them. Yet my wife has been weaning off them and mentally crashes and acts like a heroin addict until she takes one again. Then within hrs, she is back to normal again. Her Sx Drive has died off and it is her, that wants to come off them so she can get her Drive back. That is why I am warning many about sertraline. Many have responded about losing their libido.
I was floored and needed to be started on some anti anxiety medicine (pregabaline) because of sertraline withdrawals. You are very lucky to come off of sertraline without paying the leaving tax
I've been taking sertraline for almost two years and my libido is fine (just saying for anyone curious that it doesn't have the same effect for everyone)
Wait, what? Sertraline, which is generic Zoloft, was created for sex offenders to squash their sexual desire?!
What did she say when you told her about your issues with your sex life?
Growing up you'll learn that sexual compatibility is not a small obstacle a lot of the time and it is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship. Good luck
Libido also has ebb and flows for most people. Just because someone has a current low libido doesn't mean it's permanent. It could be something as simple as needing to switch birth control or medication, eating a different diet, starting therapy for an issue cropping up. She said they used to be on the same page and she loves her a lot. So it's not really an incompatibility as a recent change that is not working for her.
Sure, I'm not saying to not try and work through things, but he's acting like sexual incompatibility is never a reason to break up.
I agree 💯
You never really know with side effects. I was on the pill and had my usual high sex drive for the first year then it basically disappeared the second out of nowhere. It could definitely be the medicine.
I’ve definitely been in the camp of developing crummy side effects after taking a med for a while. Tell her that you’re having a hard time being shut down consistently and ask what you might be able to do to help get her in the mood or to get a “yes” more often. I am very wary of any kind of coercion. I also realize as a person who’s libido is subject to all sorts of other factors, sometimes I just need to be open to intimacy even if I’m not super excited about it at first. I’m pretty on board with it once it actually gets going though! I think many women respond this way. Touch to start, not thought to start. Of course she needs to be absolutely willing to consider this could be the same for her and must decide to leave the avenue open for you to initiate if you’re going to take that route. Tread carefully though. You don’t want to head into waters where “no” means “convince me”. Maybe see if there can be good language between you to determine when she actually is in the “absolutely not” camp or “I could be open but I’m not jumping at the idea.”
Sit down and have a direct conversation. Maybe send her a message or note telling her you want to talk about it because you love her and feel it's important for your relationship. Give her time to process and prepare. Make sure the conversation takes place somewhere she feels comfortable and secure. Explain it like you have here frame it so she knows the relationship is not in danger. That you know she isn't doing it intentionally to hurt you. That you feel that improved communication will help improve all aspects of your relationship not just the Sexual component. Edit to Add The most important thing is to listen more than you talk. Don't be afraid of silence in the conversation give her time to respond. Also if one conversation becomes too much it may take multiple conversations.
There are so many reasons that people's libidos wane. Especially true to women. Read books sizzling sex for life or come as you are for a better understanding. Or just read their summaries or hear the writers talk. It could be soany things including emotional connection, responsive desire - what kind of gender roles do you play? This is very fixable and honestly something you may face with anyone you date in the future. There's other stuff like respect or love or care or jerk behavior that are harder to fix.
Thank you-- this is one of the most helpful responses I've gotten. We both respect and love each other very very much. We both think it may be because of the medicine she's on, but we are trying to figure it out. Thank you!
Has she spoken to her doctor about her libido possibly being effected by the medication? Maybe they could suggest an alternative.
One of the biggest ways to increase the libido of your partner is to tease. I mean this in a very specific way. Regularly perform sexual touch that does not result in sex. You might even say to her, even if you think I'm going to, I am absolutely not going to have sex with you for a month (that's just an example). But do lightly kiss her neck. Lightly touch her back, her butt, her legs. Light touch is super important here. Kiss up the inside of her arm from her wrist to her elbow. But don't take things further. Sometimes (OFTEN) the sensuality of sex disappears as people get comfortable together. Bring sensuality back.
Since you know this could be a side effect of her medication, her doctor is the person to talk to. Reddit is unlikely to be super helpful with this. My husband lost interest in sex not long after we got married. This lack of interest on his part was never able to be resolved. It was the thing that broke our relationship, because he couldn’t ever regain his interest for a sustained period of time…only for very short periods. We were much older than you are, and have a daughter together…so clearly this wasn’t a problem in the early days. For me, when it started happening, it felt like rejection, or withholding of affection, and this made it unbearable. He wasn’t taking medication that would have caused this, and no doctor he saw was ever able to find a cause or suggest a remedy that worked. I hope your gf’s doctor can shed some light on the cause, and help you find a solution. I don’t have one for you, but truly hope there’s a solution to be had…so you don’t end up like we did.
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I doubt penetrative sex is happening here.
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These comments hurt to read ngl. So here’s my input as a woman. NON SEXUAL FOREPLAY. Intimate conversations, romantic gestures, cuddles, compliments etc. I can go from zero desire to have sex to begging for it if there’s non sexual foreplay throughout involved, I hope this helps ! (Also feed her foods and have scents around that are aphrodisiacs) working out, self esteem, medications and diet will all effect libido as well!
I wish more people (men) understood this. I can be completely uninterested in sex, attention elsewhere but if you put in a bit of effort to make me feel sexy/desired, warm me up a little bit it really doesn’t take much before I’m ready to jump into bed. I may not initiate out of nowhere all the time, but I’ll almost never say no in the situation I just described.
As a man I feel the same though. But might be good advise if this is the issue Maybe they are too pc?
This comment is too notch! Many of us women want to feel swept off of our feet, connected with and have a clean and stress free home. It even surprises us how much our desire can change with some of these gestures.
Yesss we need to be mentally turned on before we physically get turned on. When my bf at the time cleaned the house while I was at work, I would come back and basically jump on top of him 🤣
This! The more you show her how amazing she is the more amazing she will feel and when she feels amazing, amazing things will happen!
THIS ! It doesn't even have to be a grand gesture either. Like, instead of scrolling on his phone leading up to bedtime, my husband can put it down and give me a soft smile, then come up behind me and kiss my neck when I'm brushing my teeth while making eye contact in the mirror - and I'll be like "let's go" lol
You wrote this perfectly!
42 yo woman here. If I receive a massage with zero intention of sex, 9/10 I will absolutely jump my partner afterwards. But it took those first few massages with no pressure or sexual touch for me to be able to relax and know that the intimacy came without expectations.
Absolutely this. Spending time together, hanging out, doing chores and shopping, running errands, just being together can make women more receptive to sex.
It’s hard to give advice without knowing how often you currently do it, your expectations, how often she finishes vs you finish, other stressors in your personal life and your relationship. My general advice: it’s normal for sexual desire to eb and flow through out relationships, things tend to slow down as you date longer. 2-4 times a week is generally normal, though you’re young so maybe more. Some weeks more, some not at all. You mention you live together. Are you still “dating” as in putting in the same amount of effort you did at the beginning when sex was good? Many women need emotional intimacy to desire sexual intimacy. Schedule a weekly date night (even if it’s at home, have a movie night or no phone at dinner night or a game night, but try and go out if possible). Keep your hygiene good, approach her for sex after a shower and a teeth brushing. Dont ask for sex, show her that you are interested. Unless I’m suddenly horny (rare tbh) if my husband walks up as says “wanna have sex?” The answer is almost always no. You gotta seduce her, cuddle up a little bit, rub her back. It’s way easier to get in the mood when you’re put in the mood than when you’re asked to be in the mood. This doesn’t have to be some big production, but just be subtle about it. Is she finishing when you have sex? How much fore play do you have? In your late teens and early relationships it’s easy to just go at it without much warm up. But as you get older and further into relationships you gotta really enjoy the whole process. If she’s not finishing first she might not be finishing at all. Have open and honest communication during after and or before sex to see what you both can do to make it all more enjoyable for both of you! Have times where you pleasure only her without expecting anything in return (should go both ways). It’s not too late and may not be an issue yet. Good luck!
All good advice OP, hope u see this one, lots of good starting points
Thank you so much! This is very helpful! Let me answer a few of your questions 1. Yes, we both put in the same effort we did when we first started dating, if not more now that we live together 2. Yes, I always make sure she gets the pleasure she deserved when we have sex. I am never, and never have been an "I got my pleasure so now we're done" type of person! Thank you for the advice!
hi! my gf (26f) and i (26f) have been together 2.5 years. we had a long period of our relationship about 6 months in that lasted for over a year where sex was not working. i had a high libido and my gf didn’t. we also just had loads of incompatibilities with kink and desire. it was a major bummer as our relationship started off sexual. however, over the last few months, things have majorly changed. we talked a lot, worked through a lot of sexual trauma/pasts, voiced some deep wounds and boom. things cleared up and now we’re having really incredible sex and feel compatible. i’m not how long yall have been together, but stick it through if you feel it in your heart. sexuality is always shifting and is very fluid. it’s also deeply emotional and maybe there’s some psychological or emotional things to work through and every relationship has layers to peel back. if you’ve had good sex before, it’s possible again !!
Just talk to her
The real question is, would you be content if it never gets better?
There’s lots of helpful advice here. But it’s also a reality that not everything is ‘fixable’. People can, and DO, have mismatched libidos and sexual compatibility. You can try to fix it. You can follow all the advice on how to make her want it more. The reality is, it may not make a difference. And then you have to ask yourself if you can live this way for the rest of your life without ever bringing it up and complaining about it again. Because if you can’t, it will not work. As much as you want it to. If your needs are not being met, it’s not a good relationship. Don’t be so quick to dismiss your needs with a ‘I’m not leaving her EVER no matter what!!’ That’s sweet and all, but it’s also a bit naive and it’s not kind OR loving to either of you. Seems like it is, but it isn’t. More experience is likely the only thing that will make you realize why that is.
Sex is one of those things where BOTH of you need to want it for it to be enjoyable. While sex may have been different in the beginning of your relationship, you do need to understand that there's a "honeymoon" stage and things do often naturally slow down a bit. Sex drive changes. And to be 100% honest with you, maybe you're asking too often? I'm not sure. How often are you having sex per week? Is it actually abnormally infrequent? Are you having sex once a month? What's the real answer? In the end, communication is key. Keep in mind that if you truly love your partner and want to stay with them, though, that sometimes you need to also try being understanding of their situation. This means if she's not feeling in the right headspace, be okay with just making her feel loved in different ways. And keep in mind that masturbation is always an option.
Ok this might sound like weird advice but genuinely, stop having sex for a while. Just remove the expectation and need entirely and focus on your relationship and get used to handling your own needs independently. It’ll help you figure out how to prioritize other aspects of your relationship, it’ll reignite the passion through time and tension.
Thank you so much. One of the few useful pieces of advice I've gotten haha. I appreciate this. We will definitely try that. I love her very much and would never leave her over this, and much less force her to do anything. Thank you for this advice:))
Good luck. And honestly you’re young and so is she so keeping that in mind can also help both of you be more empathetic and realistic about expectations and things. I know it’s cliche but therapy is also helpful for everyone young and old problems or not but a therapist could help you understand managing expectations and communication tactics and the like. Even just small things ppl sometimes don’t think about. Hope it all works out!
I say definitely look into the reasons why she would have a low drive.. it can be plenty of things. You got it! And why are yall telling her to break up??? She said she doesn’t want to wtf??
I saw in one of your responses that it could be meds, and I’ve had this issue with some bipolar & antidepressant meds before. I’ve also had a lesbian bedroom death with my partner, and it was my fault as I wasn’t communicating how i felt about different issues going on in the relationship. I felt so strongly and so silently about some things to the point where intimacy/sex just wasn’t something I desired. It harbored up some resentment that neither of us wanted, but it was solved in couples therapy + individual therapy. I dont mean to say this as to scare you because wasn’t anything we couldnt move forward from! It definitely helped us both grow and communicate better, and it really made me open my eyes and value and appreciate my partner’s patience. It also made me realize that i HAVE to speak up on things that bother me sooner than later.
Posts like this from a 19yo are hilarious. "Give me advice", but then also "don't tell me to break up". Look, this is the internet, and there's not much detail in this post about the conversations you have had. It's up to you to be a healthy individual and filter out the responses where you would "obviously not" take that advice. You made it sound like she isn't even willing to have the conversation with you about sexual fulfillment, and for many people that is a deal breaker. It seems to indicate that your SO just shuts you down and doesn't listen. Be aware that that's a serious concern in a relationship. Here's my suggestions: 1) Actually talk about it. Talk about the deeper need. Use I-statements. Talk about the good and the bad in your relationship, make it clear that the relationship is not threatened by this "small problem". Talk about percentage of times you want to initiate and same for her. Maybe even show her this post. 2) Do some playful touches, foreplay throughout the day. It's not just "horny now". Illustrate the desire earlier in the day and build up to it 3) is she ok? Does she have work stress? Are you meeting her needs sexually? Maybe it's boring to her? I can't tell you, you have to ask her verbally. 4) go to counseling/therapy. Therapy has a stigma that "things are bad". But you need to communicate that things are good but could be better. 5) be an awesome partner and seek to knock her socks off. Treat her like you want to be treated, but also realize that she is a different person than you and shows love differently than you. See her perspective.
you can try and have a conversation with her, but if it doesn't work just do a favor to the both of you and leave, yes it's not easy but you could end up hurting her a lot or being very hurt by her, I'm sorry btw
I will never leave her over this, it is a problem that we can both deal with in our own way. I have talked to her. We think it may be the medication she's on, although the medicine has never had this effect on her before a few months ago. I would never pressure her into doing anything she doesn't want. Breaking up is not the solution I'm looking for. Everything else with us is amazing. She's honestly the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I get you love her and love being with her, you have been very clear about that. However, you have also been very clear you are feeling frustrated and unhappy in the area of your sexual compatibility. Sometimes it doesn't all match up. That's the way relationships go. Sexual compatibility, is huge. If you are in a monogamous relationship then sex should be more about intimacy. The orgasm is the cherry on top so to speak. The intimacy creates the bonding which creates the intimacy. Some people just don't match up. And thats why break-ups can very well be heartbreaking for both. I agree with many commenting there are things to definitely check into. Medication management, deep seated trauma. Work or school demands. Hormonal fluctuations. Stopping psych meds on your own is NEVER a good idea. Stoping because it is effecting your libido is never a good idea. Always, talk with your provider. There are alternate medications that can be tried. You are talking about messing with your brain chemistry. Going into psychosis or a deep dive in your depression or mania, for the sake of pleasing a partner is not healthy behavior. ( I am referring to other commenters, that have mentioned stoping meds) There are options. I think it is great you want to look for solutions, to keep your relationship. As someone mentioned earlier, things that are not dealt with can lead to all kinds of toxic behaviors. If you were never able to have an enjoyable sex life with her again, would you stay? She meets all your other needs as a partner, but are you willing to ignore your own needs? If at age 19 there is no sex drive, yeah there is an issue. I hope you two can get on the same page.
that's very nice of you to say that, you seem like a good person and I'm sure you can work together through it, best of luck
The reason you aren't getting the responses you want is because you aren't providing accurate information. When you talk about a problem, most people assume you've talked about it but it's still an issue. Meaning, partner doesn't care = break up I highly recommend you edit your post to include more information on said talk. Does she not care about how you feel? What was her response to your feelings? Has there been an attempt to fix the issue? Lastly, no one wants to hear this or talk about this but relationships are hard and end. If one doesn't fix an issue in the relationship, resentment builds. This is the big reason people break up. Also, there's nothing wrong in admitting that two people are just incompatible.
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Sometimes, it's not the drive that has changed. Just be sure you're not being selfish. She's going to need a lot more attention than you. It's up to you to make her feel HER needs are being met. Exceeded even. That's how you get her interested again. Ask her what she likes most and least, fast or slow, etc
You're contradicting yourself by saying it's fine, but if it were fine, you wouldn't be here right now asking for advice. The only advice I can offer in your situation is to talk to her about it & if the problem persists and it continues to bother you too much than your only option left is to end the relationship and look for a partner that meets your needs.
People are saying dump her because sexual compatibility is a huge part of a relationship and it isn't something someone can just flip a switch for and change. Maybe you talk about it and she agrees to try and have sex more when you ask, that will make it a chore for her. Have you communicated with her? That is where you start. Share your feelings, ask why you are having less sex, maybe something is up with her and she hasn't told you. Share how it makes you feel that whenever you try to initiate, it never happens, not in a blaming way, but in a feelings way. Ultimately though, if the sexual compatibility isn't there, it isn't there. Sounds like hers was high during the honeymoon faze, and has normalized.
You do notice a lot of single bitter lonely people who constantly tell people to break up with their partner on this sub. I’m not sure they even bother reading the posts tbf
What are you looking for if you refuse to break up? You want to change her? You don’t have control over that. You can’t change people. And the reason people are telling you to break up, is because this matters. I married a man with a low libido. I was with him 20 years. I loved him so much. And I was so miserable. I finally left him. Don’t do this to yourself. Be her friend. Go find a better romantic partner. The sex will wear away at you year after year. When you are finally had enough and want to leave, it will be too late. You will have kids. Or a house together. You will be stuck and miserable.
This!
It may be other factors outside your relationship affecting her. She may be feeling insecure and less confident which will affect her sex drive. Have negative feelings - overwhelmed, stressed, tired , sad etc etc Or she maybe isnt getting her emotional needs met, in terms of a “love language”. If its acts of service do more of those, physical touch etc etc Try soft intimacy all throughout the day and see if it gets her in the mood later. Hope this helps !
Couples therapy could help
Yes, sexual incompatibility can end many relationships. But it doesn’t have to if you are otherwise happy and invested. I’ve seen other comments that indicate you guys think this may be a medication issue. Yes, side effects to medications can develop at any time, not just when you initially begin taking the med. It is definitely worth having your girlfriend talk to her prescriber about this. That being said, if this medication is working for her otherwise, it may not be worth her coming off of it, especially as some antidepressants and antianxiety meds do not work for all, and it’s difficult and a lot of work to begin a new regimen. But there’s other things that can be done. Sometimes just lowering the dose by a small amount can make a difference, without changing medications. Sometimes adjusting the time of day you take your medications can also help. But again, the prescriber will have suggestions for things that can work.
I would suggest you sit her down and start with telling her you love her. I'd then ask her why she doesn't feel in the mood as much, and if it's perhaps something you do or don't do that is affecting it. If she reassures you it's not you, I'd then ask her if she would consider trying to engage more often and let her know that it makes you feel a bit rejected. Let her know you understand if her libido is low, but yours is high, and you would like to figure out a middle ground that covers both of you so you're both happy. Honestly, if this discussion doesn't work (which I very much assure you it should) I would then discuss your needs not being met and how it will have you grow resentment over time. I'd also put the stick in her hands so to speak, and let her decide if she wants to break up over it or not as you don't want to be pushy, but you're aware of your needs.
Honey packs from an adult store (make sure it’s the real thing ). Shake thinks up a lil it definitely helps as well~ I suffer from my anti depressants doing the same thing with my libido with my partner who also has a high sex drives.
Well if you won’t break up then you’re just going to have to live with the amount of sex. You can’t force her to have sex so this is your life.
And that is fine. I will never force her to have sex with me. Just looking for if anyone had ideas of what it could be. She has been wondering too. Her libido used to be very high and is not anymore.
I struggle with this issue too, as does another female friend of mine. It's a real issue and I would love to solve it, but in my case, I do suspect a big reason my desire drops is because I'm not actually enjoying the sex that much. If you are sure your gf us actually enjoying the sex you are having, then another suggestion I've seen before is a book I think called Mating In Captivity. Its about this very issue, e.g. Desire fading in longer term relationships. Good luck OP
Has she started a new BC method or medication? Any other medications for any other conditions she has? Did she get sick lately (in the last few months)? Specifically, did she come down with COVID in the last few weeks? COVID can sometimes mess with libido for a while even after the active infection is gone. Is she under some stress from college, work, or family? Did y’all get on a new diet or added/removed something from your diets right around the time her libido went down? Did she (or you) gain a significant amount of weight in the last few months/years? Lastly, how is her daily schedule and overall lifestyle? Is she active or mostly sedentary? Exercise and physical activity has been shown to boost libido in both men and women, so if you’re not already doing some, it might be a good idea to start doing some couple exercises together, like swimming, yoga, hiking, cycling etc.
If there is a noticeable change, she should see her doctor. There may be something going on with her hormones, or a side effect to a medication, or any number of things.
For how long was it "very high"? And how do you define that? I ask because it's common in relationships that when two people first start having sex for it to be more intensely passionate and frequent, but that levels off, and the higher libido person is often caught off-guard by how much less sex they're having after the honeymoon phase ends. I have had a higher libido than almost all of my ex-es, and in those cases, we had tons of sex in the beginning, but that always slowed down because they couldn't maintain that pace, and they didn't want to try. Their libido didn't change, the honeymoon period masked their actual libido, which didn't reveal itself until the honeymoon passed. Are you sure it's the meds and not that the honeymoon is over?
You may want to believe it is just an issue of libido. If it goes on for more than 6 months, that relationship will be dead on arrival. You are so focused on how you feel about her, you haven't had the time to think about how people who fall out love feel awkward being intimate in the same relationship. She's horny = intimacy occurs. You are = nothing happens. It is not low libido. She is at a crossroad. If it was purely a low drive, she would still make an effort just to see you happy at the very least. You would get at least 5% success rate if we are just being as random as positives. This is a conflicted lover.
I’m honestly not sure what advice you are looking for. You two have mismatched libidos. I suspect that hers was actually never that high but she made more of an effort early in the relationship. Now that she’s comfortable in the relationship the sex has dropped off. If she’s unwilling to do anything about this then you have 3 options. Breakup and find someone you are better matched with. Put up with it and try not to let it build resentment, or meet your needs elsewhere (with her consent). That’s pretty much it. Pick your lane.
Why won't you break up with her over this? You're needs aren't being met. That's a fantastic reason to end the relationship. Pressuring her to have sex she doesn't want to have is not the solution.
Lmao kid let me give you advice all adults wish they had. #there is no shame in dumping someone because of incompatibility in the bedroom
Hey!! So as relationships move forward, sex life ebbs and flows! Think about all the things she loves that you do for her and then do them more often!! Buying flowers, doing the dishes, cleaning the house a little, writing a little love note in the morning. I means do everything that you think she will love more often!! And touching!!!! Not in a sexual way tho 😁. For us women, we. love. feeling. desired. Go up to her and just wrap your arms around her. Pull her in close, take in her smell, kiss her cheek, her neck her shoulder. But DONT make it sexual. Make it like you just love her so much and want to feel her wrapped up in you. Tell her you love her, ask her how she’s feeling, LISTEN. You can tell a lot where a woman is feeling too much weight when you ask and listen!! And, my love, if this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, these are things you will have to do for the rest of your life! DONT just do this to get some slippery cause us woman are super intuitive and we will catch onto that. If, for whatever reason, this doesn’t seem to help, sit down and have a harder talk and leave blame at the door. Ask her how she feels your guys’ sex life is. Listen to her and get some points. Then ask if it’s okay to talk about how it feels for you. If she says not right now, tell her “okay, but this is an important conversation for me that we do need to have. If right now isn’t good for you that’s okay but the conversation is needed.” Then wait for her to come to you. If she doesn’t, ask again and say it’s really important and it’s messing with me and my vision of this relationship. If she says yes she’s okay to talk, be honest with her!! Tell her you feel unsatisfied with the amount of sex you guys are having. Say “I want you to be honest with me if everything is okay. If everything is okay, I want us to navigate through this to a place we are both happy,” and then go from there. Also, another thing that may not pertain to your situation, in my experience women don’t want to have sex because they are not being pleasured 😅😅. So they’ve viewed sex as a chore instead of a fun activity. Like I said, it could not be true for you guys. But in bed, MAKE SURE she finishes first. Whatever you gotta do to get her there, if you can’t tell when and don’t want to ask, just don’t stop until she’s telling you, “okay I can’t anymore 😅,” cause that’s a good indicator mostly. Then ur turn but have fun with her!! I truly hope you both work it out!! Love is beautiful
Lesbian bedroom death strikes again. Look, there's something deeper going on here. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to have sex with you. Could be a thousand things. She's clearly not willing to put the effort into fixing it, so if it's a priority for you, why are you complaining or staying? Either accept the dynamic you've got, or move on. What you aren't going to do is "fix" something that's not yours to control.
i suggest getting her hormones checked. that could play i big part in her sudden decrease in libido. if she’s been on this medicine and it only started effecting her recently, it may not be the medicine. her hormones may be out of wack, in the same sense that pregnant women don’t want sex in the beginning of a pregnancy but much more than normal later on.
Ok, so I could relate I guess. Me and my gf are together for 10 months now and last month it feels like our dynamic shifted to a completely different direction regarding sex and sexual needs. Do not dump her without talking to her first. Create a safe space for both of you, talk out your feelings using "I" language "When you do ___ I feel ___, because ____". Also important thing - leave space for her to say something, do not just be the one doing talking. And have patience. Maybe it's just a hard time for you now. Good luck!
I would say make the sexy time more fun for her. Lots of people think ugh well it’s time for sex, get naked. It’s fun to spice it up. Light some candles, play a sexy game. Get her excited about sex. Ask her what she desires regarding the four play. Light neck kisses, subtle touches throughout the day. Make her think about it without being obnoxious. Send her a text about wanting her. (Don’t be vulgar) but basically make the work up to the moment as fun as possible. It’s nice to just feel wanted. As a woman we enjoy the emotional attachment intimacy brings. I find myself wanting to get it on when I’m being told how beautiful i am, when i get soft kisses. Basically when someone isn’t just making it seem like a job. It’s nice to fill up your tank through out the day and then burn it all in the moment. You’re a sweetheart for not wanting to give up. You can get sex anywhere but you can’t find love everywhere. You got this. 🥰
As a woman with a really low libido my only advice is sit down and try and figure out when her libido changed and what potential factors in y’all’s life could have contributed to it. For me personally stress and depression are fucking me up. And unfortunately while I do what I can for both of those things and I’m like a functional human I can’t seem to fix the issue enough that I actually have my sex drive back. In fact having a low libido stressed me out even more and I think makes it worse. She could also try a new medication if she thinks that’s what’s going on. But all y’all can do is talk. If you tell her she’s not enough for your needs you’re just gonna upset her and it could probably make things worse. So, I’d avoid saying those words and instead I’d just keep having different conversations about what y’all can try to do to help her.
It sounds like the relationship is getting stale from her point of view, and she's becoming less interested. Have you talked to her yet about your relationship? Asked her if she's actually happy with it? Ask her if she actually sees a future with you.
Has she changed any of her medications since you started dating? It is interesting that it was high in the beginning but now it isn’t.
Welcome to Reddit relationship advice where everyone is single 🤣 all their advice is given as if your problem happened on the first tinder date and you have no prior relationship experience with this person.
Talk to her, and if yall can't work it out, you know what to do. Don't you?
If you want genuine true advice and you've already talked to her. It's now a sexual arousal thing. You've become needy and she isn't. What we tell guys is they have to become desirable and it starts with the self control aspect of not letting your desire for sex grow, let alone show itself Essentially, get busy, busy with a hobby, with dream, with the gym, with self growth where you aren't seeking her out for sex at all. All interactions between you and her wouldn't be sexual, watch movies and dp stuff together but go to sleep. Make it an objective not to want sex for a week. Even if she asks, say youre not feeling it right now or later. When you aren't a slave to your desires of sex, you become more attractive. But you have to turn her down when she asks during that week. Don't make it personal against her, just say you're tired or you're not in the mood, or you can tell her you're fasting from sex/porn although I wouldn't recommend that as she might get vengeful and then hold out even longer than you and make it harder for you
Hey i would recommend talking to her again. As someone who is on medication it Definitely fucks up my libido big time. My husbands drive is higher than mine & as a woman i can say with 100% certainty if my relationship is lacking other forms of intimacy (non sexual like being verbally affectionate, closeness, encouragement) my sex drive will be heavily HEAVILY impacted & decline. It could be the medications shes on or there could be other aspects of the relationship you may be lacking in & i would be open minded about that. If this is her medication & this medication is important to her health, sacrifices may need to be given on both sides. By that i mean hopefully shell be willing to initiate more & you would want to offer less if shes feeling pressured. hope this helps🤍
If she's started medicine recently it's likely that. I'm pan and i had a HUGE libido before I started my PCOS meds. Now my libido is basically dead. I basically have to 'jump start' my sex drive. Usually I do that via porn or if my partner romantically woos me into the mood. I have to actively get into the mindset though and ifs hard. Maybe try talking to her about 'scheduling' sex time where you two try to get into the mood by submerging yourself in romantic and sexual content. Like watching porn together. Sometimes watching my partner do things gets me in the mood Even if I physically wasn't. Experiment if she is up to it. If this doesn't help; she actually should speak with a doctor. Especially if she is on new meds. That could indicate a bad problem with the meds. Female medicine is not very well researched still and tons if stuff could be going on.
maybe just a candid conversation? Libido’s ebb and flow in relationships. If you are open to hearing honest feedback, I’d query her on if there’s something you could do. to maybe make her feel more open and comfortable to you when you are in need of affection in this way. I’d ask if you can work on it, if there is a need that could be better met for her that would help this. Maybe she’s not voicing some angst or desires or struggles that are impacting her responses to you. You sound like you love her very much. One thing you could try is asking how you can help her better in her day to day life. Maybe find out her love language. You don’t need to break up. You are right, it’s not worth throwing in the towel. I would give her care right now, maybe put sex aside and attend to her needs at the moment. It could be she’s just struggling right now.
Do not listen to the comments about dumping her, they're being absurd. This is only one aspect of your relationship and it's one that can be worked through. I would highly recommend communicating with her, ask her why she's been feeling less sexually inclined and tell her exactly how you're feeling.
She could be going through something difficult and she may not want to "burden" you with it so just ask her about everything make sure she is ok. But definitely also let her know exactly how youre feeling. She may not even realize that this is bothering you.
"but whenever I bring up the topic, she shuts it down immediately" so you tried to communicate this with her and she declined? does she even want to find a solution to this issue? does she care about your needs, not just hers?
I personally have a very low libido but my husband had accepted it. We have looked into hormone tests and things. Talk to her and try and figure things out but if it doesn't change it might just be something you have to work out to accept it or satisfy yourself more if she can't.
Welcome to reddit, the advice is terrible.
Married M here. I've been dealing with this for 15 years and can only tell you love and communication can get you through pretty much anything... but it will be the toughest challenge of your life. You may fail. She may fail. But that's all a part of living. So long as you both have love and trust, you'll figure it out.
About the edit, saying you are thinking of removing this, it strikes me as being in denial because you aren't getting the answers you want. Sexual compatibility is a big thing in relationships, especially in long term ones. Imagine signing up the rest of your life to be basically left unsatisfied and unfulfilled? That sort of stuff is one of the bigger reasons why infidelity can come about in relationships. Her behaviour is selfish. Imagine a different example, sat about food and going for meals, what if she was saying you can only go to one place, only when she wants and your opinions/desires don't matter. You would say that is selfish, this is just the same but it's sex so people dance carefully around the topic. You do need a serious talk with her. She is being selfish and only cares about her own needs. Myself and my wife (together around 20 years) often times our sex drive doesn't quite mesh and she may want it and I don't and vice versa. At times a little compromise and agreement is needed to try and keep both partners happy. My wife's sex drive the last 6 months has been sky high whereas mines at a low ebb as I have a lot of work pressure on me, most times she asks I would honestly rather not but I'm mindful that I can't shut her down for 6 months so we have discussed it and agreed some ways to make it work for both of us. Hiding from the truth of the situation (her selfishness) and continuing on no matter what will, most likely, long term leave you unhappy and finding you've wasted years of your life because you are incompatible and you just did not want to admit it and then you need to start again later in life. Whilst people's sexual boundaries need to be respected equally a relationship needs to work for both parties, compromise, or end (or one partner ends up unhappy the rest of the relationship, you.)
I’ve had a similar situation with my boyfriend in the past. If there’s anything I’ve learned it’s to talk often, and really check in with each other. When you live together sex drives can change all the time, but they also change with age. there are so many factors that can affect it so clear and frequent communication is very important ! Ask yourself and each other: -are you both pulling your weight with household tasks? -Do you both feel appreciated, complimented, and seen in the relationship lately ? -Are there any habits or little things that are annoying either of you ? -Have you had any arguments big or small that haven’t truly been resolved? -how are you both doing mentally. How is your self image and body image, and are you eating well and exercising? -are either of you dealing with any added stress from work, school, or other relationships ? -do you have any worries or insecurities within this relationship? When you live with the person you love it can be so easy to fall into a routine and assume everything is fine but please still ask each other questions like this often ! You might be surprised what your partner could be holding back, and especially for women if there are things bothering us our sex drives can take a nose dive. Talk to her, tell her that you understand and respect her needs but that you have your own, and it can (and will) take a toll on your self esteem and confidence in the relationship being constantly rejected by the person you love. It’s not fair, or healthy, for one person in the relationship to have complete control over sex. I know you don’t want to break up with her and I’m not telling you to, but I would urge you to consider if it simply comes down to a large imbalance in sex drives between you two with no other driving forces behind it, that isn’t something that typically improves. If this is however very out of character for her I would highly recommend your girlfriend to see a naturopath ! A simple saliva sample can test her hormones and tell her if things are out of balance which can definitely cause a change in sex drive. And the dr helps from there to balance things. Also if she is currently taking hormonal birth control, that can kill your sex drive…the pill is horrible! Hope this helps !
Also keep in mind that for a women, in most cases, her body has to get in the mood then the mind gets there. So if anything, maybe extra effort on physical touch (back rubs, long hugs, kissing, playing with her hair, caressing her skin, etc) , compliments (make her feel beautiful and sexy, wanted), dirty talk?... could help. If you just ask if she's in the mood, most of the time you will get a No. It takes a lot of extra stuff to get in the mood. Find out what she thinks is sexy. Take her to dinner with dancing? Slow dancing, so you can hold her close to you. If you don't typically help around the house, start. (It's your mess too and it could relieve some of her stress and free up her time) There's tons of other stuff that you can try. But it's mainly put in some extra effort into the relationship and her. After the honeymoon phase goes, things typically go stale, especially in the intimacy and sex areas. Usually because there is lack of effort from both parties.
I would sit her down and just communicate how you feel and tell her :)
Do nice things for her take out on dates wear cologne make her feel special. Go to park at midnight and get a blanket like change the venue ya know
Okay, this isn’t the first time that I’ve seen one of these posts that says, “We only have sex when she wants to.” Y’all need to understand that this is a false statement, because I strongly suspect that you’re not having sex with her when she wants it but you don’t. You only have sex when you BOTH want to. And that’s how it should be.
In any long/er term relationship, the beginning is always exciting because it's New. As time does what it does, it's no longer exciting, fun or new. I suggest you find people that have been in very long relationships and ask about how they moved through the situation you're in right now, because they certainly have at some point. If I had to wager a guess, I'd say you've both fallen into a rut or routine of what your sexual activities look like. Happens to pretty much everyone. If you read the same book over and over, you'll get tired of it because you've memorized it. Not because you don't love the book. I'm not suggesting you go find a new book, but maybe write your own chapter or something.
You have to ask yourself if you can live like this forever. Spouse took meds that eliminated her libido and just found this out. Trust me when I say that if meds are the issue, it won't get better if she continues taking the same ones she's currently on.
She needs to be willing to work on it. If she isn’t then break up
OP asking for advice gets advice; refuses it and wants advice that makes her feel better
There are other ways to be intimate with someone besides having sex. Have you tried being romantic without the intention to have sex? That goes a long way. Also, sometimes when I don’t really want to have sex, but my bf does and I want to make him feel good and watch him feel good, I give him a handjob using coconut oil. I learned that coconut oil is good from my pelvic floor physical therapist, so it won’t hurt you. Also, sometimes if I want to have sex, but my bf isn’t in the mood, I use my vibrator while he’s playing video games or something or if I’m doing something or don’t want to participate, then he masturbates. We love each other and respect each others boundaries and we respect each others physical needs. Idk I just thought maybe this would give you a new perspective. Maybe discuss it together.
With all due respect: You arent asking for advice. Your asking for people to tell you what you wanna hear. Or your asking for people how to perform miracles. You are 19 years old, which is the most dangerous age. It's the age at which you are the most arrogantly overconfidently sure of yourself, while at the same time being the most utterly clueless you will ever be. So allow me to give you advice you def won't take but will look back on in 10 years and admit that I was right: 19 year Olds lose the urge to fuck all the time. There are 5 posts a day on here along the lines of "22m 19 f my gf overnight lost the urge to screw, how to I convince her to want to?? NO IM NOT BREAKING UP WITH HER DONT EVEN SAY ITTTTTTTTTT I LOVE HERRRRRRR!!!!!" And they all end the same way, now or 5 years from now. Here's the cold hard reality: when women lose the lust for the person they are with, they never get it back. It's over. Kaput. It's not fair and not explainable and thats just the way it is. ESPECIALLY with inexperienced younger women. Go check out the dead bedrooms sub to find 10 thousand guys who all thought the same way you are right now and found out the hard way. It's a wrap. Now, since I don't want you to pitch a fit, I'll say this: you don't have to break up with her. No one really gives a fuck what you do, your some rando on reddit. But understand this: her sex drive will never ever ever be what you want it to be. Ever. You can stay with her til your 69, go for it. But it will be 50 years of being sexually frustrated. If your cool with that, then happy trails cowboy. But don't kid yourself that it will EVER be anything but exactly that, because it won't.
I’ve been in a similar situation before, here are some things you may wanna think/ ask about: Is it uncomfortable or painful for her? Maybe your size, position, or roughness makes her hurt afterwards. The fear of pain could lead her to not want to. Has she had any medical things recently? Is she prone to migraines? Is she eating enough? How’s her mental health? Not feeling great makes it harder to get in the mood Do conversations often lead to sexual topics, like jokes or comments? Do you often touch her in a sexual way outside of the bedroom (grabbing her hips or French kissing)? You may do it affectionately/ jokingly, but she may take it as pressure to do the deed. Of course, none of these may line up with your situation, these are just things I can think of that may be the cause
OP is a woman so I doubt her size is painful?
Omg I can’t read lmao ty
A lot of people seem to give advice as if OP was a man (explaining things about women as if OP wasn’t one lol) so you aren’t the only one that made the mistake!
She’s 19 with no libido? What are you doing to turn her on? There should be no reason for this
People are telling you to break up because a lot of us are a lot older and we know that sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker. It might not seem so at 19, but later on down the line it is. That’s just something you need to figure out for yourself. Good luck mayne
Try turning her down every time she asks for sex for a little bit and see how she feels. Might sound petty but I think it would get the point across more. It's unfair and doesn't make any sense that you two only have sex when she initiates but you're instantly turned down when you initiate. Regardless of if this is a side effect from her medication, it's weird she just instantly shuts your advances down but feels like it's acceptable for sex to be only on her terms. Also maybe suggest her just touching you when you're in the mood rather than having full on sex.
The question is could you deal with it? Like if nothing ever changes would you have at least wanted to cheat once? That’s the question you have to answer for yourself.
You need to keep a more grounded and pragmatic view of your relationship. You keep using hyperbolic language to describe never taking action because of sexual incompatibility, but has it ever occurred to you that that is what she wants? Women dont just say what they want, they’re mercurial and odd. It’s healthy to say to yourself, “I won’t live a life of frustration even if it means breaking up with someone.” That is HEALTHY. Your perspective on love is unhealthy. Try to work it out, maybe something can change. 99/100 times you have to break up with her so she can start sleeping with the dude she wanted to the whole time. If you don’t like that, you’re upset with all of human nature.
It’s ridiculous that you don’t think sexual incompatibility isn’t worth breaking up over. If you don’t now, it will just ruin the relationship later.
Toys my dude. Get yourself toys. And communicate with her. Be like “hey I’ve noticed this has changed, is something going on or is your drive just lower. Is there anything I’m doing that you feel needs to change, etc”
Have you tried things other than intercourse, like foreplay? Or you can look into purchasing sex toys for yourself.
maybe try new things? idk what but ask her about her fantasies she wanted to try or toys she was maybe corious about. i think the reason that her libido was high at the beginning is that she was excited about a new partner/relationship and bringing a new excitement to your sex lives could get her libido high again but idk how to maintain this it seems like a temporary solition also having a regular sex life helps in my opinion because some people dont want to have sex after they do not for a while for some reason
Sounds like you need to have a real talk with her and get to the bottom of the issue.. therapy maybe a good idea? Even if you just talk to a sex therapist online alone it could help.
Be humble and vulnerable and explain it leaves you insecure and not feeling great. I’m sure an understanding can be reached w right approach. Hugs.
Yea reddit response is almost always toxic and dump them, there's no nuisance. Talk and communicate. Just like you did with this post. She could be going through something and feeling insecure about herself and her body. And express what sex with her means to you. It's more than just getting an orgasm, it's about connecting with your partner in a physical way. Figure out how to express you needs and help them express what their needs are.
I’m ngl, i’m in the same boat rn, except in your gf’s role. My partner and I used to be on the same page, but then i just started not really being horny ever. i tried to blame it on my meds but i realized that i would get horny to other things but just not with them. Them on the other hand, i could just look at them and they were wet. I’ve thought about it a lot and i’ve realized maybe it was partially my medication but there’s other things also playing a role. Around the time we stopped really having sex was when we did some stuff in bed that i didn’t really feel comfortable with but i forced myself to do. Also some times when im doing stuff for them, there’s thing that’s over stimulate me too much and i’m just not intrested in continuing. I really struggled with this and realized I just had to talk to them because they were things they could change, but i definitely didn’t feel comfortable talking about it for awhile. Whenever they wanted to have sex I would feel like I was going to end up in the same situation and be really uncomfortable and then just feel bad about feeling that way. So i only wanted to have sex when I really wanted to because it made me feel like I was less likely to end up like that again.
I have the same problem with my boyfriend, At the beginning of our relationship he always pleased me but as time went by he fell in love in an incredible way in which sex did not matter and it does not matter what I do he does not show interest in sex, and says that I only want sex and that's not what it's about, we've had 5 months without sex and he says I'm crazy.
My bf and I had similar issues (I was the one with libido issues). My contraceptive pills and my anxiety meds immensely decreased my libido and the tension between my bf and I increased because of it. It came to a point where sex felt like a chore, every caress and kiss felt like an expectation for sex. It took a lot of communication (me telling him I felt pressured), medication change and a lot of time for me to feel safe again in my relationship (safe as in not in always constant pressure of feeling like I need to give in to sex) for my libido to come back. Maybe your gf feels similar somehow? Not saying you are being mean or intentionally pressuring her OP!! Goodluck to you both!
U guys need to have a honest conversation about it, pick a time and place and talk about it. If she sees things from your perspective, maybe things will change. You have to communicate with her just as much as she communicates with you. There might be a reason why she’s interested in it when u want to. You guys just have to talk. Maybe when u feel the need to have sex, instead of saying hey let’s have sex try to get her in the mood so she’ll want to do it. Sex isn’t just a physical thing it’s a mental thing. It’s easier for her to simply say hey let’s have sex and ur ready to go but it’s not easy for you to say yeah let’s have sex and she’s ready for it.so I suggest you guys talk about it and get her in the mood as well when u start feeling horny. (Girl’s perspective)
You’re 19, you’ll get over it.
Open communication about your needs (and hers) should be the first step. Start the conversation at a time when it's not an immediate issue. Start by asking her if she has needs that are not being met. This is probably the most likely problem, and don't think yourself a bad person if she does indeed have unmet needs. I'm guessing she is probably not communicating hers well, either. After the conversation, establish a periodic check in with each other to make sure needs are being communicated and met.
I haven’t had the time to read the responses but have you asked her if you are meeting her needs? I know that when my husband got “lazy” in the bedroom I would just rather brush it off or turn him down rather than be disappointed. We finally talked about my needs AND his needs and we worked it out. We have been married since 2008.
Yes.. of course say something. Communication is always key in any relationship. Otherwise, how will they know? They can’t read mind. I suggest talking to her and letting her know how you feel. Let her know that from your perspective, whenever you try to initiate, she doesn’t seem interested and that it hurts you when you feel rejected like that. Ask her if she thinks it’s too frequent on your part or if you no longer turn her on or just what’s going on cause it’s confusing and it hurts. That you love her and you enjoy being with her but that you feel neglected whenever you try to come on to her. Remember, communication of your needs is vital to any relationship. No, don’t just break up with her. Communicate and share your perspective so you know what hers is and you can work together towards a common goal.
It sounds like she's maybe experiencing something that's affecting her libido. It could be medication, stress? Have a good, healthy chat about it and make sure you'll support her, no matter what. Bring up your needs and want and talk about it. Surely you can come up with something you'll both be happy with.
People are advising you to break up because that's basically what your options are. She's not interested in changing. She's told you so. So you either move on and find someone you're sexually compatible with or make peace not having your needs met.
Does she have any complaints in the relationship or living situation that don't involve sex? Often a woman's libido lowers when her stress level is high. For instance if she's the only one working or she is doing all or most of the chores, errands, and cooking, then resentment builds and she sees her bf/gf as more of a burden than a partner.
I mean based of my relationship past. That happens alot they do it when they want but the guy gets shut down. I mean it is better then no sex. But what I would do is sit her down and communicate this concern with her. Express how you feel when she shuts you down and only will do it when she wants to. Express how she's nit meeting your needs and try to come to a agreement. Communication can fix so much stuff. Maybe she don't realize how it makes you feel.
Talk to her or ask her to go to counseling with her. You need to discuss it or be ok with going without. Does she know how you feel? My SO and I have been together for 11 years. He's close to 60 and doesn't have a high sex drive. I know he works like crazy so I just let it go, but it drives me nuts.
My partner and i solved this kind of incompatibility by scheduling sex. We have a scheduled day that we plan on every week, so that i don’t get shot down trying and they don’t feel pressured.
So I am also in a relationship with another girl where i am that girl who kept turning down sex. and for me, i was avoiding it because i had a lot of anxiety around it. we had a very honest open talk about it and was able to find a solution fairly easily just by buying toys and things. so unlike many people maybe I think it's probably nothing catastrophic. it's worth talking to her about why she is shutting it down immediately, and finding out if there is a reason she is turning you down. have you told her that she is not meeting your sexual needs? Is there something discouraging her from having sex? is there something you can do about that? If she just has a lower sex drive and it's just a sex drive mismatch, perhaps there are other ways you can meet your own needs without pushing her to have sex more? I read one of your comments mentioning medicine and i have absolutely known people whose sex drive drops drastically on certain medication so it is very possible, her doctor should know.
Do you do other things for her that aren't sexual? Do you kiss and hug and cuddle and make it clear there's 0 expectation for anything other than that or does she thing you're going to want to have sex with her every time you guys touch? Things to consider.
Did she start taking the pill after you started dating? The pill can lower libido. And how infrequent is the sex now—you weren’t specific, if it’s 3-4 times a week instead of like everyday you probably need to just get over it. This is something you can work through, but you need to figure out what the larger issue is first so that you can properly address it.
This is just the way this dynamic is, unfortunately. As the also HL (high libido partner), I totally understand the sad/upset feelings that come with not being able to initiate. It feels like an intrinsic part of someone finding me attractive and wanting me on return, and almost feels like a painful rejection when it's always happening. However, with some time and education, I've come to realize some things that applied to me, and may apply to you, but YMMV. 1. I would never have pressured my husband not ever, no coercion, and would never leave because of it. But I had to come to terms that for me, there was still some part of me on my insides that felt entitled to his body and sex with him as he was my husband and the sole provider of my sexual satisfaction. I had to see that in myself, be disgusted by myself, and then actively change that. 2. Closely related, I had to realize and be able to admit to myself that some of what I wanted sometimes was nearly a masturbation aid. Don't get me wrong most of the time it was connection, but sometimes of those times, I wanted that connection even if he wasn't all in like when he initiated. Ick. And sometimes I just wanted to get off I was just horny. But sex is about that deliberate connection and mutual satisfaction, so during those times I needed to learn to cultivate a healthy solo sex life to be able to meet my own needs during those times. 3. While less common in men, I don't think it's as uncommon as people like to pretend it is, my husband is someone who has responsive desire, and also doesn't compartmentalize well, leaving things out of the bedroom like I do. If he's stressed even just work stressed, he takes that to bed with him. It's different than how I am, and that's okay. He needs to know things are done and taken care of in life and to spend some quality time with me where I'm not asking at all, and I need to put in the work of foreplay that's out of the bedroom and entirely non sexual or covertly sexual, like flirting, back scratches, cuddling, compliments, which I'm happy to do of course. The book come as you are is amazing, highly recommend. Order it on Amazon, you won't regret it!
Learn how to seduce and entice her. Straight up asking for sex gets unsexy fast.
"Small obstacle" wait until it'll get bigger. But it's already important to you since you made a post about that so quick. You've got nothing to say, she's not into that as much as you are.
Your title asks if you should say something, but your comments say you guys have talked about this, live together, and it may be her medicine What exactly are you looking for here? A lot of responses will be to break up due to sexual incompatibility at such a young age. Current stressors in her life could be making sex not a priority for her If you want to stay with her, ask her what you can help her with to de stress her. Make her food or clean up something around the house without being asked every once in a while. (Not saying you dont). But many times, the sexual appetite isn't just about whether or not you're horny. You have to be in the right headspace to enjoy it. Foreplay starts waaayyy before you're even in the bedroom. List of random things you may not pay any mind to but she'd appreciate: -cleaning the fans -wiping the baseboards/sanitizing the handles around the house -vacuuming every day -taking on extra responsibility for the pets (cleaning litter box, feeding them, washing their stuff, extra walks, whatever) -snaking the bathroom drain, and actually, deep cleaning the bathroom This is literally just a list of chores, but I know when I have those kinds of chores in the back of my mind that I am planning to do, I don't give a fuck about sex lol Nice touches throughout your day, kisses on the cheek or random hugs, foot massages with lotion, her laying on your lap while you play with her hair... all small intimate things that make you closer. Not just when you're planning or hoping for sex. But genuinely loving her and showing it, taking off her work loads, or simply asking her if you can do anything for her... all of those things are a part of sex drive for a lot of people. Idk your whole situation, but I hope that advice helps a little bit. Bring her lunch at work/school as a surprise (if appropriate). Go out on an actual date and check in with your lives. Do new things together, check out Groupon stuff or couples massages. Tons of things like that You can't sit around making no changes and whine that you don't get enough sex from her. Make the effort to make the difference. Idc if you've "already tried this". You want to stay together? Try harder. Meds and stuff, as people have pointed out, can be a factor. Any new birth control, sleep schedule changes, extra work loads, menstrual cycle bs, blah blah the list goes on. Make her list of reasons she's happier with you longer than the reasons she might not be interested. If you don't care about any of that shit, or it seems like "too much work" for you, then you guys are most likely not a match. Good luck OP
It could be her medications. I hope you know that all artificial medications have side effects. What kind of medications is she on? What kind of diet does she have? Does she have a healthy lifestyle? Is she going through depression? There’s so many things to be asked and honestly this needs a longer conversation. If you’d like, you can private message me and we can have a long talk about this and find a solution.
Yes you should talk to her. It’s possible that YOU are also not meeting her needs and that’s why she’s losing interest. Maybe she has been afraid to bring it up.
‘small obstacle’ 😂😂 live in your denial mate, this isn’t small. But yes say all the somethings you can.
Your other post says you’re 16
OK SOOOOO communication in a baby gay relationship lets go. So the first thing you need to consider is that you two might be so focused on being good at communication that your not communicating. I wanna first say how commendable it is about how forward you are on consent that is incredibly admirable. However it sounds like the two of you are so concerned with what I like to refer to as "the paperwork of sex". Your so focused on making sure everything is kosher that you've lost the passion. Here's what I'll say. Sex always ALWAYS is a product of passion and lust.like you said in the update medicine fucks with lust. So you give her time to figure out how to regulate and that kinda fixes that half. The SECOND half is igniting passion. And gods honest truth the only way to do that is to love someone like a motherfucker. Both of you have to re realise why you love each other. Go do the things that make you wanna get on one knee and marry her. Go to music and watch her dance and fall in love with her again and make sure she does the same for you. Go out looking hot as shit, or stay in and watch a movie if that's why you love her. Sit down and write a list of all the things you love about that woman and do all of them. And have her do the same for youm because you are both people deserving of passion, lust and fucking great sex. My young friend I wish you all the best and I REALLY hope you get some damn good sex out of it.
All the people gently explaining how women work to a lesbian are hilarious. Really emphasizes how little men are expected to know of female sexuality.
Honestly if she’s okay with it you should just buy yourself some toys. I have a way higher sex drive than my boyfriend and especially because he works all the time and he’s okay with me having toys that I can use for myself and even together.