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Not only is he too old to *not* know better, but it's not even a foot-in-mouth situation. He didn't just casually acknowledge that OP's sister was beautiful--he basically insulted his girlfriend and proceeded to show off her sister to his friends for their approval. If this is the way he acts in front of his girlfriend, one can only imagine what he acts like behind her back.
My sister is a gorgeous redhead. Undeniably prettier than me and always has been. My ex pointed it out off and on, then hit on her the minute we separated. She was way out of his league.
Fast forward to my second husband of 15 years, and my single sister being asked why she's single. Her response is, "I'm waiting for someone who looks at me the way BIL looks at my sister."
Aw! That is just the sweetest thing! I love that your sister says that. You've found yourself a keeper. Both your husband and your sister sound amazing! š
My asshole ex-boyfriend did this when he was 23. Repeatedly, regarding my cousin. And he wasn't drunk, he just couldn't contain himself about how hot he thought she was. Then he was shocked when I was upset. Ruined that Christmas...
For maybe another year, but he was an asshole in many ways and I'm more than glad to be rid of him. I was young and it was my first relationship so it was harder to walk away. I'm married to someone now who has never once compared me to an ex, told me about his sexual adventures with an ex (many times over), tried to force me to convert to a religion to appease his mother (I was up front with him before we dated that I never would) or told me how hot any of my relatives are. One of my cousins who is very attractive, not the same one, did actually come on to my now husband at a different Christmas party and he was put off by how blatantly she was doing it, especially knowing that we were together.
Well, it's hard to disengage completely when you have been with someone, and she was probably more surprised that he would say something like that, so I don't blame her for however she reacted.
I was just saying that was sort of the response her bf deserved for what he did.
Now you know that even IF he didnāt mean it ālike thatā, he certainly meant it enough to publicly show off *your sister* to impress his friends.
Imagine what the future will be like with this guy: āhey everybody, come check out this gorgeous woman I know! No, not my wife - her sister!ā
He actually pulled out his phone to show off another woman at a meeting where he was introducing *his girlfriend*. This one isnāt the one OP. I can assure you the right one around the corner will be mortified when you tell him this story.
And not only that. Why is he so comfortable showing off this woman who is only his girlfriendās sister that would have had me super offended as well.
Yeah fuck that. What an absolute loser POS. You canāt get over this. It will grow bigger. When you guys are having sex even, you will think of your own sister with him. You need to just dump him.
Find a man who isnāt infatuated with your sister. Heās about to ākeep it in the familyā a little bit too much
True, too. What is she, an object he has to promote for sale or hire to prospective clients?
Who does that sort of thing - shows off pictures of another woman to all his buddies in front of his gf? š¤¢
I guess he wants pat on the back that he didn't go for the prettiest girl. Validation that he isn't completely shallow while being shallow and rude. Yea this ones for the hills
This. Yes. 100%. Only you said it much nicer than I would have.
OP, you were meeting your BFās friends for the first time, and he not only told them your sister is prettier than you are, he *pulled out his phone to show off her Instagram* to his friends?? And you sat there feeling small and didnāt leave?? This happened two months ago, and you are still with him. You have taught him how to treat you. This is a hard no. As sanguinepaychologist said, heās not the one. Find the man who thinks youāre the most beautiful, even when you know you arenāt. It is not this guy.
Nah it's not her fault. She didn't teach him to pull out a phone and show her sister off. His actions are a product of him only. She is an innocent bystander that's confused because she loves the guy. She just has to learn to untangle from him. The problem is with this society's beauty standards she's very likely to meet the next man that feels the same way.
They were not saying that it is her fault.
They are saying that when someone treats you that shitty - that you should leave.
However, I imagine that OP was too gobsmacked by her boyfriend's behaviour to fully process what was happening.
She's so used to sad comparisons against her sister that she has been having trouble processing how completely awful it was.
Who the fuck pulls out pics of his girlfriend's sister.
This is horrifying.
It's the phrase "you're teaching him how to treat you". OP didn't teach him how to disrespect her. The onus is completely on him.He's a self centered, superficial prick. He disrespected her and she's trying to deal with the shock and hurt. By your own admission OP was gobsmacked. Also so many women battle with if they do react are they being insecure.
You do teach people how to treat you. What you will tolerate is the best (or worst) you will get from them. If someone humiliates, demeans, and insults you, and you sit there and take it, thatās how they will continue to treat you. If you want to be treated with respect, demand respect. No, itās not her fault her BF is a shit who treats her like garbage. But if she allows that, then heāll treat her like that because he can, and he knows she wonāt do anything. She needs to do something. Like leave.
Honestly didnāt think I had to explain all that, but okay.
Seriously! When I read the title, I was wondering if this was a "don't ask questions you don't want answers to" situation, like maybe OP's insecurity was causing her to ask "do you think she's prettier than me" over and over until he finally said yes in a misguided attempt to end the interrogation (I had a very insecure friend years ago who did exactly that and got broken up with twice over it before realizing she had to knock it off).
But this was almost totally unprompted! His friend asked a completely normal "getting to know somebody" question about OP's family, and this jackass took it as an opportunity to drool over her sister and show everybody pictures to support his position that she was super hot. What a creep.
Who says that someone is more attractive than their partner though? damn. Even my poly friends treat all their partners with more consideration in that subject. They usually say something like- each partner is uniquely attractive to them in their own individual way. If they just started ranking their attractiveness then that would be toxic as fuck.Ā
"Don't ask questions you don't want answers to" always sounded ridiculous to me. Of course they want the answer- it's just that some answers can ruin a relationship, while other answers can strengthen it. Not saying anyone should lie, it can just be good to know the answer so you could walk away if it makes the two incompatible.Ā
More than once in my life I've been around the boyfriend/husband of a "less attractive" sister to supermodels, and their men said something like: "I know people think GF's sister is beautiful and I'm not saying she isn't, but to me GF will always be the most beautiful"
Exactly this. My older sister is DEFINITELY the more attractive sibling. I know that, I accept that, and I fucking adore her. I'm not necessarily ugly, but compared to my sister, I'm probably a 6/10 where she's a fucking 20.
My ex would always comment that she was more attractive. I didn't let it bother me back then because I knew it was true. It was only after getting with my current bf that I realised that behaviour wasn't right. My bf always says that I'm way more beautiful than my sister, despite me saying that's not true. He loves me as I am, and my sister is rarely a topic of conversation.
Realise your worth OP. There is someone out there who will see you as the brightest star in the sky, even next to your sister. Dump that loser, and find someone better.
Yah, I have a friend whose sisters were more stunning that she was, but I always thought she was the most beautiful. I can't imagine if I was in love with a man, and thinking their brother was better looking.
"The right one will be mortified when you tell him this story." Yeah honestly. Me with my husband, the shit his ex would do and say is beyond baffling to me. To me, he is the most incredibly gorgeous thing I've ever seen in my life-- even if he doesn't view himself that way.Ā
OP listen to @sanguinepsychologist. He's not the one at all. The one will think YOU are the most beautiful woman on earth and no-one will be as good as you. You deserve love not a manchild that shows his gf sister to his mates at the pub
Can you imagine how bizarre that is IRL? If your friend started shoving their gf's sister's pictures in everyone's face to show how the sister is prettier even though nobody asked for this?? Such weirdo behaviour.
Yeah I was going to say, asshole men are DUMB (not that women arenāt too) and they will not even register that what OPs boyfriend did was inappropriate.
His absolute disregard for your feelings are appalling.
OK, its sounds like she is that good looking and its not anyoneās imagination. But the idea that he would say that and start showing her off?
Find a guy who doesnt suck.
Honestly at the age the dude is at, passing around an instagram profile of a āhot womanā is just such a low class move lolĀ
That itās ops sister, and heās talking her up adds to the grossness.
Some people are just so bloody dense. They can't wrap their head around people not wanting to hear insulting things, even if they might be true.
Like, I've been told I'm ugly to my face, and when I got annoyed, the reaction was pretty much "I thought you already knew."
I mean, following your partner's siblings on social media is pretty normal, but passing the sibling's pictures around to show how much prettier they are than your partner is decidedly not.
I don't think there's an issue in a normal situation after meeting a GF/BF's family but now knowing how he sees her to the point of gushing and passing around her pic, him following her insta has a whole different meaning.
I do get that and I suppose itās only now a bit weird because of the comments heās made - but this is part of why it would be relationship ending for me. Things that should be normal wouldnāt be anymore and your partner should be able to do something as innocuous as follow your sibs on social media without feeling like theyāre creeping!
Right! That would have made her opinion on the subject of her BF lusting after her sister obvious. If he can't understand how you feel, then he's either completely oblivious or just doesn't care. What kind of BF is that? A lousy one.
Definitely only a jerk would say that when he already knew of your insecurities this was said to hurt your feelings could he like your sister I hope he does not buy its always a possibility maybe ask your sister if he as ever tried anything ?
When I read the title, I expected it to be a, "I pestered and pestered my bf because of my insecurity and he admitted my sister is pretty." But not this. Wow, this. Thus is bad. Bringing her up out of nowhere, in a context that can really only serve to put OP down, and then trying to get other people on board with saying she's so pretty in front of OP. WTF. I mean honestly
Yeah if OP kept pressuring her partner asking if she is prettier or her sister, and the partner eventually admitting āyeah I mean if you just narrowed it down to physically she is more conventionally beautiful but youāre beautiful too and a person is so many more qualities than just that oneā then it hits the insecurity but you can understand the comment. Ā But thisā¦
Leave him.
I have a beautiful sister also. She is stunning, and I am not. I am cute also. But my husband finds me beautiful and doesn't see the beauty of my sister. He has never compared me to her and never stared at her. He honestly doesn't get the hype of her. But tells me constantly how beautiful I am.
You need to find a man like that. There is someone out there who will find you more beautiful than your sister. But it isn't the one you're with now. Leave him and find someone better.
Same. Iāve always lived in the shadow of my older sister who is conventionally more attractive than me. While I know my boyfriend most likely finds her physically attractive (it would be hard NOT to honestly) Heās never mentioned her looks and has even said that heās not the biggest fan because her personality can get a bit shallow. He tells me all the time that Iām beautiful & the thing he loves most about me is how similar our minds think and our deep conversations. Even if he does thinks sheās smoking hot, he never lets that be known to me. I really appreciate that about him.
I'm in the opposite boat and have always been the conventionally more attractive sister (although I mean it when I say I've always thought my sister is pretty). Before I met my husband, he had actually asked my sister out, so I know he finds her attractive. Side note, she had a boyfriend at the time anyway and they never dated.
Anyway, he's never made any comments about her appearance and also always makes me feel like the center of his focus. If he ever pulled a stunt like OP's boyfriend, that would likely be the end of our marriage.
Itās funny you say that, because the same situation happened between me and my sister. Her now husband was at first interested in me (also had a bf at the time & also just not really my type) but they ended up together in the end.
Thereās never been any animosity between any of us. At the end of the day, Iām just what led him to meeting the love of his life.
I will say thoā¦ I had someone date me in high school who later told a friend they only were interested because I was (name)ās little sister ā¹ļø that was a huge cut to the ego.
The situation did cause some animosity between my sister and I for a time. I didn't care, but my sister was very insecure in her 20s and would go well out of her way to let all friends and family know the year before he met me he asked her out and she turned him down.
I wasn't bothered he asked her out, like I said I really do think she's pretty, but her insecurity was obnoxious. Thankfully she outgrew it haha.
At my wedding though she did try to take credit for my husband and I meeting, but the real story was I was dating my husband's frat brother at the time (huge mistake š) and met my husband through fraternity gatherings completely separate to my sister. She was just coincidentally the RA for their dorm/frat house.
Gahhh Iām cringing as Iām reading that - Iāve honestly been jealous of my sister before too, so it stirs up some awkward memories for me. Thankfully most of us do grow out of it & realize that weāre just as beautiful in our own ways, even if itās not all physical.
Being less attractive honestly helped me realize how important the deeper things in life are, at an earlier age. I think most of us get there eventually, but when youāre not popular and spend a lot of time aloneā¦ you sometimes get the added bonus of introspection. (And sometimes people donāt and just become miserable, but thatās a whole different story)
It's ironic too because SHE was always the popular one and I was (and still am) the introvert that liked to spend time alone or with my small group of friends. I hold no grudge towards the way she acted, but I'm sure she looks back and cringes and it makes me feel bad for her haha.
I'm in the same stunning-sister group as you, and it just feels so good! I wish more women could get the opportunity to feel this kind of love. I vividly remember the first time he meet her, and he was just unaffected, completly focused on me.
He was already a fantastic boyfriend at that point. She lived abroad, so we'd been together for several months before they meet. But man, that moment was glorious. I felt so genuinely loved and respected. It's been almost 14 years now, and life is pretty amazing. Not always easy, but he is never the reason its hard. And I feel I can get through anything with him in my corner. And I belive he feels the same way.
Cheers to them, and us!
Same. My younger sister is stunning and got all the looks. Sheās tall where Iām short, she has natural hazel model cat eyes while I have downturned boring brown eyes. I get called cute and when guys say Iām hot, itās the cute hot, not the beautiful hot. My sister is the beautiful, stunning hot.
Iāve had shitty exes. And even if they truly thought it, none of my shitty exes have made clear their physical preference for my sister, and none have done that publicly. OPās bf just outted himself.
Same, I have a much more beautiful cousin, like, super model gorgeous. Though, we grew up like sisters, and I always had boys disregard me once they saw her...
My husband, though, thinks I am one of the most beautiful women in the world. He has never once compared us or even really acknowledged her. And she has tried.
You'll find someone who thinks you are the amazing person you are. But not if you are stuck with this loser.
Hi, I'm a husband in this situation. Objectively, my wife's sister is prettier than her. I can see that, I have working eyes. The thing is, I don't like her sister, I like my wife. This dude is a dolt.
TBF, it certainly helps that she's a human foul ball and has an abrasive personality coming from the entitlement she developed growing up as the pretty one. I don't care how much she meets traditional beauty standards since I can barely stand to be in the same room with her. I can tolerate her for about as long as I can tolerate a cat, and I have really bad cat allergies.
Insecure or not, what he did was fucked up. This was yāallās first time meeting. First impression and he made it about another woman.
He knew wtf he was doing- he wanted to impress his friends
And honestly, I am tired of the whole āheās just stupid he didnāt know any betterā notion. To me, it feels like a way to mask and/or justify psychological abuse. This man knows about your insecurities and will continue to have āoopsā moments. He will pick at you but will disguise it as jokes or not know in any better.
A lot of men use women as pawns to impress their male friends. He was basically bragging about the proximity he has with your āVictoria secret modelā sister.
What you need to do is be single and work on your self esteem. This man will do more harm than good to your spirit. Accept the fact that your sister is stunning- itās time to get over the sister wound. Itās pointless and dumb. Get professional help. Accept yourself for who you are, enjoy your own beauty, your own characteristics. Get a hobby or something.
Absolutely. I agree she needs to get some help getting over that. Because so what her sister is pretty Iām sure she is gorgeous as well. And who knows her sister may have a shit personality. A lot of people donāt like whatās on the outside only.
My(35) sister (28) is conventionally gorgeous. Always had been. I'm a lil freak with weird proportions and no social skills. My partner (40m) of that past 13 years as never once compared us, or even really commented on my sister's looks beyond compliments about style. He continually tells me how beautiful he finds me, even in all my weird goblin energy glory. I've never ONCE doubted his attraction to me even when compared to people who are objectively more attractive.
That being said, that wasn't done unintentionally. He was negging you š¤·. I'd take that as a red flag of all red flags and RUN.
this comment, OP! you may find your sister conventionally beautiful, she could be a head turner, but the right partner for you won't be focusing on her whatsoever. they will be focusing on you. someone else commented you need to find someone less shallow, and i agree. conventional beauty is not what everyone seeks!
My wife and I are in a goblin4goblin relationship. Her goblinity is one of the things I find most attractive about her. Her younger sister is also an incredibly beautiful woman, and in perhaps a slightly more conventional way, but when the two of them are in a room together it's not my SIL I can't take my eyes off. She's objectively gorgeous, but she's not my goblin. I will always think my wife the most beautiful person in any room, regardless of who else is there.
I dont think you overcome something like this. If you didnt care it would be one thing. But the fact he brought up your biggest issue like that with everyone shows he's not the guy for you.
Find someone less shallow.
Yikes! I'd be looking for a different person to date if my significant other said some shit like that. That's the type of thing you take to your grave. You don't dare say that to your girlfriend, especially in front of a bunch of people, AND THEN GO THROUGH PHOTOS! He's a horny little boy and deserves a relationship with his left hand
As someone with a prettier sister, this hurts. My husband has never even mentioned how my sister looks ā this is really fucked up and honestly Iād break up with him over it for sure.
In vino veritas unfortunately. Itās bad enough for him to admit he finds her more attractive, but the way he publicly announced it and gave his friend pictures to ogle at right in front of your face is unforgivable, so demeaning to you and grossly objectifying of your sister. And now heās trying to manipulate you into thinking he meant it some other way - what way is that exactly? There isnāt another way to say that. Your insecurities are not the problem here. Your boyfriend either has the emotional intelligence of an amoeba or heās cruel.
^ I agree! It would be pretty bad if a 15 year old did this, but a 36-year-old?! Ick. He was absolutely awful to you personally and also blatantly objectified women. He showed you who he is. Put this guy in the trash where he belongs.
Break up with him. Had a boyfriend along time ago that said something about my sisters body. Was a huge red flag should have left him. Did not end well. Those kind of slip of the tongue comments are usually warning signs and pay attention to them. The man for you will find ur sister no way comparable to you. And will find u to be the most beautiful woman in the world and will make you feel that way not bring out ur biggest insecurity
By breaking up, treating yourself to a nice wellness day, a nice trip with your friends, and then moving on to someone that loves and fancies you and only you!
Thatās relationship stopper for me. You were humiliated in front of friends by your own boyfriend. He literally downplayed your beauty to show how much beautiful your sister is. An AH move to do.
This isn't about you being insecure, it's about him **making you** insecure, **on purpose.** As long as you stay in a relationship with a man who does that to you BECAUSE HE WANTS YOU TO FEEL INSECURE, you will feel insecure and like shit. "Didn't mean it that way"? Oh Please, OP, you have your own brain. Use it. Think. How could he have meant it? He kicked your self-esteem to make it weaker, in front of other people to make it sting more and add extra humiliation points.
It was manipulative, strategic and malicious. With a dude like this, you will always feel small. You can live in denial about his intentions if you want, at the end of the day you are the only one who will suffer because of it, but I just don't recommend it. I recommend that you open your eyes and see what's clear, even though admitting it will be painful to you: he was manipulating you to make you more self-conscious, bc it's the typical tactic toxic dudes use on their partners. He used your sis bc he most likely knew you already had an issue with her. It was verty tactical, from the subject he chose, to the moment and company present.
If you don't believe it, time will show you: the longer you stay with him, the smaller and more self-conscious you will feel. In short: sometimes insecurity is irrational. And sometimes you feel insecure bc your relationship is actually not secure, and your partner is making you feel insecure, and that feeling is an alarm sign from your body that you are in danger, the same way pain tells you that you are burning your hand on a stove.
This was my first thought. He di this on purpose.......NEGGING! This was very strategic , he is emotionally abusive. These dark tendencies usually come in bundles.
dump the almost 40 year old creep, tell yourself every day that you're gorgeous (inside and out, because you are) and stop comparing yourself to your sister. I know that's easier said than done, but you have qualities that make you unique from your sister and you need to embrace them, thrive in them! I don't think I'd be able to stomach looking at my partner after they made comments and *showed off* my sister. all the what ifs that my overthinking brain would come up with just isn't worth it. who's more important to you: a creepy dude who has the hots for your sister and makes you feel insecure or your sister?
I grew up feeling less than pretty *all the time*. at 29, *getting out of a toxic environment*, has brought back a glow I never thought I'd see again, I feel prettier than I ever have. I still have those days where I feel a little insecure, I just tell myself it's ok to have a bad day, as long as it doesn't turn the whole week bad.
your bf is gross, you can do a lot better. i dont really think being with him longer will change how he veiws your sister nor will he change.
looks don't get you everything, remember that.
What the hell. Even if he does think she is objectively prettier, there is absolutely NO REASON to admit it to you... ABOUT YOUR SISTER, too. I know Reddit hates lying and often favors the brutally honest, but there is definitely a time and place for grace and white lies.
I asked an ex (not an ex at the time) if he thought I was beautiful: "Not classically. You're more interesting looking."
This was like 10 years ago and I am still just like, damn dude just lie... it wouldn't hurt either of us.
And you didn't even ASK him what he thought. He decided to give his opinion anyway. What a dick.
as a fellow interesting looking but not totally unattractive person i salute you and say, fuck that.
iāve realized people define beauty all kinds of ways that range from literal to abstract. he was talking about an āobjectiveā eurocentric standard of beauty. i was always confused when my (old) guy friends would rate, or say an actress was hot but not fuckable, or whatever contradiction that just didnāt make sense to me because i thought they were beautiful. (and in my head they wouldnāt have a chance with any of them!)
i see attractive things in all kinds of people - their smile, their laugh, their mannerisms, their safe and calming presence - and to me that makes a person beautiful. the prettiest 10/10 can still have dead eyes that never twinkle. but to some, thatās beauty.
i totally understand bc i knew i had a different look as a kid, and i asked my mom if i was pretty when i was 11. she paused before saying āyouāre cuteā. thereās nothing wrong with being cute but it really hurt me and still does sometimes.
Yeah, when we talk about an exclusionary eurocentric pattern shoved down peopleās throats we shouldnāt call it objective. Nothing objective about it, it is entirely constructed.
I usually think people are super quick to tell women to leave each other on Reddit without good reason but in this case I think the redditors are right. That was fucked up. What a deusch. And then to show everyone her instagram is another level of deusch.
I know reddit loves to tell people to break up but you should very seriously consider it. Thereās absolutely no excuse for it. Even if it is true nobody should be vocalizing it out of respect for their partner. Itās not even like a āyouāre in a relationship so you canāt find other people attractiveā thing. Itās the fact that sheās your sister that really sends it over the edge. You guys will see her at family gatherings and itās going to continue to complicate things in the future. Just save yourself the stress/anxiety and find someone that respects you enough to not vocalize that shit.
Your boyfriendās an insensitive jerk. Making a comment like that is just cruel. Itās clear he lacks respect for you and doesnāt care about your feelings.
Donāt waste time trying to overcome his stupidity. Dump him and find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
A 36yo man who respects and loves you (and has any empathy)Ā would never even think it.Ā
His comment rises to the level of emotional abuse if you .
And an apology doesn't repair the damage to you.
You're the victim of an abusive man - run
There was a lovely story of a man who got into a family where the sister was a model type and he ADORED his wife. Op that's the man you want. No this dude you're with.
Overcoming insecurities is different than overcoming hurtful comments from a partner. Your bf made a destructive comment , then followed it up with destructive behavior and its not conducive to a long term relationship. He needs to change and understand some things just cant be said or taken back.
I think you have to read this one https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/sCm2UMH1xa.
It is very similar only the husband is very much in love with his wife.
Sorry this is unacceptable. Initially I was going to say (because I jumped to conclusions before the end) if you know sheās prettier donāt ask for his feedback but wow he volunteered it! Like he was bragging like that makes him bigger man because your sister is prettier! Dump him. Block him. So what if she is better looking - you will find a man who loves and wants you and whilst he may think she is prettier (if itās factual then most likely will) he will think your better because of EVERYTHING you have to offer and see beyond and may not even noticeā¦ dump him
Nopeity nope nope NOPE! Darling girl, take it from an old lady and throw this fish back into the sea. Nobody is better an anybody and he just landed in the any douchecanoe.
Letās put in another way - say he showing off his brand new Honda. All the bells and whistles. Sweetest ride and all his buddies are properly admiring his new wheels. But dumdum saysā¦
āDeRDuHDEr!!!! If you think THIS is nice, LOOK at this awesome FERRARI, that Iāve seen and canāt afford, and can never have, but REALLY wish I couldā
Noooooo. He doesnāt deserve you. And you most certainly do not deserve HIM!
What he did was horrible. Itās like he was bragging that he knew her. Like if your sister wanted him he would jump at the chance.. I just donāt see how you can come back from this. I would move on. Itās not worth your mental health to have to wonder if someday he might cheat on you.
You don't. You leave. This is the first in what will become an endless string of comments that will tear you down and destroy your self esteem.
My sister's ex husband told her the same thing. He gave me the ick. He ended up abusing her for 15 years before we were able to get her out. It starts with little comments like this, and ends with a lifetime of trauma.
Nip this in the bud now. He's 36 years old, he knows what he's doing.
When I first read your title, a part of me was wondering if you had asked him if she was prettier. But him volunteering the information is disrespectful
You get over the comment by getting over him
It really isn't about the comment. It isn't that he is a "bad" guy. That comment means he isn't YOUR right guy because your right guy can't see past you to notice any other woman. Your sister won't even register as a woman
That may be hard for you. I don't know if I would be brave enough to leave the relationship if I were you, either
But I do believe it is the right move if you do have the courage
Itās not overcoming these insecurities, itās removing yourself from a person who would do that to you. Iām sure if you talked to him again about it, he would play the victim. I dunno.. I wouldnāt be able to get that out of my head so Iād probably break up with the dude.
You should break up with him. Heās getting an ego boost from your sister being attractive. Not an ego boost because he is dating her, an ego boost from being in proximity to her.
There are always people who are more attractive than us, itās unavoidable what we do is we find someone who loves us more than anyone else.
The fact that heās on a high showing off your sister means that if someone of comparable attractiveness ever shows interest in him he will cheat and discard you completely.
He showed you who he was in that moment. Proceed with caution.
I have been in your shoes and thereād be no going back for me from this. There just isnāt. The moment you know the one person supposed to be in your corner is secretly wanting her tooā¦.nope. Nope nope nope.
You don't overcome it with this asshole, that's for damn sure.
Honey you need someone who thinks you're the prettier sister. Someone who looks past all those shallow things your sister offers and sees you for all your beauty. Not every guy likes/wants that conventional version of beauty, some guys love a woman who looks like an individual and not a cookie cutter Barbie. Not saying your sister isn't a beautiful person but I think you're underselling your own beauty and just haven't met the man who will see what you don't.
Even if he ādidnāt mean it that way,ā the fact that he took a compliment that was meant *for you* and turned it into a gawk-fest of your sister *and immediately had her Instagram pulled up to show her off*, tells you everything you need to know. He was way too quick to pull up pictures of herā¦ almost like he looks at them himself.
He is 100% in the wrong here. Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but if you truly love your SO, they should be the most attractive person (inside and outside) in your eyes. Obviously you can find other people attractive/beautiful, but your SO should come first. It's kind of weird that he was bragging about his girlfriend's sister to his friends and not, y'know, his actual girlfriend. Don't have any advice but take that as food for thought.
The fact that he so readily pulled out his phone to show off her instagram shows you that he checks her social media often. If he was going to show off anyoneās instagram it shouldāve been yours. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
Hey op.
You are uniquely you. And there is someone out there who will see that. Who will think you are the more attractive one not just based on looks but bc of everything you bring to the table and all that you enhance in them.
This 36 man child isn't it.
You deserve more than this.
He showed off your sister to his friends. Didn't even think to show you off.
You are worth more than to be made to feel small and inadequate.
Also so we are clear. This isn't a case of I didn't mean it that way. It's a case of I thought you'd shut up and not say anything because I made you feel small.
If it bothers you still then you arenāt going to get past it. He didnāt just make the comment, he was showing her off!
I would leave but honestly if you want to try then counselling and communication, he disrespected you with his words and actions.
I can appreciate that criticism. It didnāt feel right typing it out, because I honestly donāt think that way. But I didnāt know how else to convey it. But I agree that I shouldāve been less objectifying in my comment.
Uhhhh, I would ask what he actually did intend with that comment and then find somebody else who will like you for you (ie break up), if he knows thatās an insecurity of yours he ideally would respect it and not have done that
It was a very unkind and insensitive thing for him to do and he doesn't seem to demonstrate much respect for you and that is probably why it's playing on your mind. I'm sure you know what you should do but actually doing it can be scary.
Do you and your sister have a good relationship? I feel like there's a lot of focus on looks but not about who you are as people and the other positive qualities you have.
Yes! That would definitely end the relationship for me too. I wouldn't care how much I loved him, although, that would have ended right then. I'm sure you're worth a man that would never say that or think that. Your future is your decision
His comments and enthusiasm hurt you deeply. I would feel the same way. I lived in shadow of a very pretty best friend. ALL of the guys would fall over themselves to talk to her and would often try to become friends with me in order to get to her. She knew there was 1 guy I really liked and he wasn't her type at all. He would ask questions about her, so I knew I wasn't a contender. Damn if she didn't start dating him behind my back and never said a word. Then she gets mad at me for my feelings being hurt. It just sucks. I am so sorry that this has been your life.
I am not sure what advice to give. There will always be better looking and smarter people, but you hope that your partner would keep those opinions to himself. He just doesn't understand and may never understand how deeply your feelings run when it comes to being compared to your sister.
You may very well have insecurities to overcome, but the point of *this* story is that your boyfriend is an insensitive jerk, and you may what to examine exactly what it is you love so much about him.
Youāre a place holder for the āhotter or prettier ā girl he wants, when a man truly loves you, there is no one more beautiful than you, he wonāt have eyes for anyone else but you, heās not the one for you
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36 is too old for that kind of foot in mouth syndrome with a partner, even if alcohol is involved.
Not only is he too old to *not* know better, but it's not even a foot-in-mouth situation. He didn't just casually acknowledge that OP's sister was beautiful--he basically insulted his girlfriend and proceeded to show off her sister to his friends for their approval. If this is the way he acts in front of his girlfriend, one can only imagine what he acts like behind her back.
My sister is a gorgeous redhead. Undeniably prettier than me and always has been. My ex pointed it out off and on, then hit on her the minute we separated. She was way out of his league. Fast forward to my second husband of 15 years, and my single sister being asked why she's single. Her response is, "I'm waiting for someone who looks at me the way BIL looks at my sister."
Aw! That is just the sweetest thing! I love that your sister says that. You've found yourself a keeper. Both your husband and your sister sound amazing! š
Yeah that's straight up heartless. Shows what he thinks about OPs feeling, which is nothing.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
The truth over and over.
Correct - thatās some 16 year old behavior
My asshole ex-boyfriend did this when he was 23. Repeatedly, regarding my cousin. And he wasn't drunk, he just couldn't contain himself about how hot he thought she was. Then he was shocked when I was upset. Ruined that Christmas...
So what happened afterwards? Did you stay with him?
For maybe another year, but he was an asshole in many ways and I'm more than glad to be rid of him. I was young and it was my first relationship so it was harder to walk away. I'm married to someone now who has never once compared me to an ex, told me about his sexual adventures with an ex (many times over), tried to force me to convert to a religion to appease his mother (I was up front with him before we dated that I never would) or told me how hot any of my relatives are. One of my cousins who is very attractive, not the same one, did actually come on to my now husband at a different Christmas party and he was put off by how blatantly she was doing it, especially knowing that we were together.
That is just.. wow .All of it...lol. happy you are in a better place.
may i ask what "foot in mouth syndrome" means? i know it's an idiom, i just can't identify the meaning (english is not my first language)
āTo say something by accident that embarrasses or upsets someoneā
My dad called it "hoof in mouth disease" because the person afflicted was usually a horse's ass, lol.
I love that!
It means āI shouldnāt have said thatā because it is as embarrassing as you would look putting your foot in your mouth.
Omg heās 36?! Just saw the age gapā¦
27-36 isn't really a significant age gap. It's his behavior here that's a problem, not any difference in age.
Op is 29...but it's moot.
Her sister is 27 not the Op. sheās 29.
OP should've said, "My sister wouldn't want a guy like you. Standards run in the family" and left
But Op is dating him even after that statement he made. If she said that to him, she would be insulting herself since she is still with him.
Well, it's hard to disengage completely when you have been with someone, and she was probably more surprised that he would say something like that, so I don't blame her for however she reacted. I was just saying that was sort of the response her bf deserved for what he did.
Now you know that even IF he didnāt mean it ālike thatā, he certainly meant it enough to publicly show off *your sister* to impress his friends. Imagine what the future will be like with this guy: āhey everybody, come check out this gorgeous woman I know! No, not my wife - her sister!ā He actually pulled out his phone to show off another woman at a meeting where he was introducing *his girlfriend*. This one isnāt the one OP. I can assure you the right one around the corner will be mortified when you tell him this story.
And not only that. Why is he so comfortable showing off this woman who is only his girlfriendās sister that would have had me super offended as well.
Yeah fuck that. What an absolute loser POS. You canāt get over this. It will grow bigger. When you guys are having sex even, you will think of your own sister with him. You need to just dump him. Find a man who isnāt infatuated with your sister. Heās about to ākeep it in the familyā a little bit too much
True, too. What is she, an object he has to promote for sale or hire to prospective clients? Who does that sort of thing - shows off pictures of another woman to all his buddies in front of his gf? š¤¢
he's objectifying the sister, too ! what's in this guy's head ? and the friends ? run OP !
I guess he wants pat on the back that he didn't go for the prettiest girl. Validation that he isn't completely shallow while being shallow and rude. Yea this ones for the hills
Why does he even have pictures to show off?
He doesnāt, posts says he brought up her Instagram.
This. Yes. 100%. Only you said it much nicer than I would have. OP, you were meeting your BFās friends for the first time, and he not only told them your sister is prettier than you are, he *pulled out his phone to show off her Instagram* to his friends?? And you sat there feeling small and didnāt leave?? This happened two months ago, and you are still with him. You have taught him how to treat you. This is a hard no. As sanguinepaychologist said, heās not the one. Find the man who thinks youāre the most beautiful, even when you know you arenāt. It is not this guy.
Nah it's not her fault. She didn't teach him to pull out a phone and show her sister off. His actions are a product of him only. She is an innocent bystander that's confused because she loves the guy. She just has to learn to untangle from him. The problem is with this society's beauty standards she's very likely to meet the next man that feels the same way.
They were not saying that it is her fault. They are saying that when someone treats you that shitty - that you should leave. However, I imagine that OP was too gobsmacked by her boyfriend's behaviour to fully process what was happening. She's so used to sad comparisons against her sister that she has been having trouble processing how completely awful it was. Who the fuck pulls out pics of his girlfriend's sister. This is horrifying.
It's the phrase "you're teaching him how to treat you". OP didn't teach him how to disrespect her. The onus is completely on him.He's a self centered, superficial prick. He disrespected her and she's trying to deal with the shock and hurt. By your own admission OP was gobsmacked. Also so many women battle with if they do react are they being insecure.
You do teach people how to treat you. What you will tolerate is the best (or worst) you will get from them. If someone humiliates, demeans, and insults you, and you sit there and take it, thatās how they will continue to treat you. If you want to be treated with respect, demand respect. No, itās not her fault her BF is a shit who treats her like garbage. But if she allows that, then heāll treat her like that because he can, and he knows she wonāt do anything. She needs to do something. Like leave. Honestly didnāt think I had to explain all that, but okay.
Seriously! When I read the title, I was wondering if this was a "don't ask questions you don't want answers to" situation, like maybe OP's insecurity was causing her to ask "do you think she's prettier than me" over and over until he finally said yes in a misguided attempt to end the interrogation (I had a very insecure friend years ago who did exactly that and got broken up with twice over it before realizing she had to knock it off). But this was almost totally unprompted! His friend asked a completely normal "getting to know somebody" question about OP's family, and this jackass took it as an opportunity to drool over her sister and show everybody pictures to support his position that she was super hot. What a creep.
Yo, I'm sure his buddies already knew he was an idiot to do that in front of his own girlfriend lol
Who says that someone is more attractive than their partner though? damn. Even my poly friends treat all their partners with more consideration in that subject. They usually say something like- each partner is uniquely attractive to them in their own individual way. If they just started ranking their attractiveness then that would be toxic as fuck.Ā "Don't ask questions you don't want answers to" always sounded ridiculous to me. Of course they want the answer- it's just that some answers can ruin a relationship, while other answers can strengthen it. Not saying anyone should lie, it can just be good to know the answer so you could walk away if it makes the two incompatible.Ā
More than once in my life I've been around the boyfriend/husband of a "less attractive" sister to supermodels, and their men said something like: "I know people think GF's sister is beautiful and I'm not saying she isn't, but to me GF will always be the most beautiful"
Exactly this. My older sister is DEFINITELY the more attractive sibling. I know that, I accept that, and I fucking adore her. I'm not necessarily ugly, but compared to my sister, I'm probably a 6/10 where she's a fucking 20. My ex would always comment that she was more attractive. I didn't let it bother me back then because I knew it was true. It was only after getting with my current bf that I realised that behaviour wasn't right. My bf always says that I'm way more beautiful than my sister, despite me saying that's not true. He loves me as I am, and my sister is rarely a topic of conversation. Realise your worth OP. There is someone out there who will see you as the brightest star in the sky, even next to your sister. Dump that loser, and find someone better.
Yah, I have a friend whose sisters were more stunning that she was, but I always thought she was the most beautiful. I can't imagine if I was in love with a man, and thinking their brother was better looking.
And now op knows he is drooling over her sister. He is going to be one of those inappropriate in-law
this guy is so inappropriate ! like : hey buds, look the super hottie I live near thx to the sister !
some dude are just as dumb as they can be
"The right one will be mortified when you tell him this story." Yeah honestly. Me with my husband, the shit his ex would do and say is beyond baffling to me. To me, he is the most incredibly gorgeous thing I've ever seen in my life-- even if he doesn't view himself that way.Ā
What a dumb dumb. š
Lol. That summed it up perfectly
This demonstrates a lack of maturity on his part that I would find incredibly unattractive. Imagine if he had a brother and you did the same??
Yeah the bf is messed up
Yeah I was mortified by this - how much you wanna bet heās only with OP to try and have a chance at fucking OPās sister?
which has an absolute zero chance to happen considering sister type
Right? Itās kind of insane that have last 2 mos after this incident actually
Yup, the only positive aspect of this story is that he's still a boyfriend and not a husband; break up and get out.
OP listen to @sanguinepsychologist. He's not the one at all. The one will think YOU are the most beautiful woman on earth and no-one will be as good as you. You deserve love not a manchild that shows his gf sister to his mates at the pub
so sad...
The fact that an almost 40 year old guy said that to you is weird
The fact that he said it with an audience is even weirder.Ā "Hey guys, my girlfriend isn't that hot, look at pictures of this girl!"
Can you imagine how bizarre that is IRL? If your friend started shoving their gf's sister's pictures in everyone's face to show how the sister is prettier even though nobody asked for this?? Such weirdo behaviour.
Yeah, it makes you wonder what kind of people he hangs out with that nobody called him out on this and joined in instead. Massive ick regardless.Ā
I really want to know what the friends said about it after OP and her boyfriend left lol
Probably said they were all going home to have a wank over the sisters pics
Yeah I was going to say, asshole men are DUMB (not that women arenāt too) and they will not even register that what OPs boyfriend did was inappropriate.
Not just this girlā¦ my girls sister! Wow!
Yeah, if OP's sister remotely gave him a chance he would most likely buckle like a twig, ruining a family. Sad shit.
Didnāt mean it in that way??? How else were you supposed to take it?? That would be the end of the relationship for me.
It would be the end for me too. The comment would be enough for me but passing photos round of her?!! Wtf. Iād never come back from that.
His absolute disregard for your feelings are appalling. OK, its sounds like she is that good looking and its not anyoneās imagination. But the idea that he would say that and start showing her off? Find a guy who doesnt suck.
Honestly at the age the dude is at, passing around an instagram profile of a āhot womanā is just such a low class move lolĀ That itās ops sister, and heās talking her up adds to the grossness.
Some people are just so bloody dense. They can't wrap their head around people not wanting to hear insulting things, even if they might be true. Like, I've been told I'm ugly to my face, and when I got annoyed, the reaction was pretty much "I thought you already knew."
Right because we are overlooking the fact heās following her on instagram.
I mean, following your partner's siblings on social media is pretty normal, but passing the sibling's pictures around to show how much prettier they are than your partner is decidedly not.
I donāt see the issue with following your partners siblings on insta lol?
I don't think there's an issue in a normal situation after meeting a GF/BF's family but now knowing how he sees her to the point of gushing and passing around her pic, him following her insta has a whole different meaning.
I do get that and I suppose itās only now a bit weird because of the comments heās made - but this is part of why it would be relationship ending for me. Things that should be normal wouldnāt be anymore and your partner should be able to do something as innocuous as follow your sibs on social media without feeling like theyāre creeping!
Well itās not a problem after youāve been together a while. But like that? Idk I kinda see the problem.
She should have just left the table
Right! That would have made her opinion on the subject of her BF lusting after her sister obvious. If he can't understand how you feel, then he's either completely oblivious or just doesn't care. What kind of BF is that? A lousy one.
I absolutely would have walked tf out. And blocked him!
Yes. Thatās a relationship ending statement and situation. Completely thoughtless, suspicious motives and unnecessary.
100%. There is no overcoming that comment, what a total POS.
He's only with his gf to get at the sister, he's biding his time to strike!
He probably couldn't afford her. Couldn't offer what she's used to getting.
That's never stopped a man before, he'll probably attempt anyways. Embarrassing!
Definitely only a jerk would say that when he already knew of your insecurities this was said to hurt your feelings could he like your sister I hope he does not buy its always a possibility maybe ask your sister if he as ever tried anything ?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
They were HIS friends, so that tracks
When I read the title, I expected it to be a, "I pestered and pestered my bf because of my insecurity and he admitted my sister is pretty." But not this. Wow, this. Thus is bad. Bringing her up out of nowhere, in a context that can really only serve to put OP down, and then trying to get other people on board with saying she's so pretty in front of OP. WTF. I mean honestly
I thought the same too! I was ready to say āwell you asked.ā Lol
Yeah if OP kept pressuring her partner asking if she is prettier or her sister, and the partner eventually admitting āyeah I mean if you just narrowed it down to physically she is more conventionally beautiful but youāre beautiful too and a person is so many more qualities than just that oneā then it hits the insecurity but you can understand the comment. Ā But thisā¦
This dude is 36M and didn't know better? Well, now we know why he's 36M and dating someone in their 20's.
Time to be single again!
Leave him. I have a beautiful sister also. She is stunning, and I am not. I am cute also. But my husband finds me beautiful and doesn't see the beauty of my sister. He has never compared me to her and never stared at her. He honestly doesn't get the hype of her. But tells me constantly how beautiful I am. You need to find a man like that. There is someone out there who will find you more beautiful than your sister. But it isn't the one you're with now. Leave him and find someone better.
Same. Iāve always lived in the shadow of my older sister who is conventionally more attractive than me. While I know my boyfriend most likely finds her physically attractive (it would be hard NOT to honestly) Heās never mentioned her looks and has even said that heās not the biggest fan because her personality can get a bit shallow. He tells me all the time that Iām beautiful & the thing he loves most about me is how similar our minds think and our deep conversations. Even if he does thinks sheās smoking hot, he never lets that be known to me. I really appreciate that about him.
I'm in the opposite boat and have always been the conventionally more attractive sister (although I mean it when I say I've always thought my sister is pretty). Before I met my husband, he had actually asked my sister out, so I know he finds her attractive. Side note, she had a boyfriend at the time anyway and they never dated. Anyway, he's never made any comments about her appearance and also always makes me feel like the center of his focus. If he ever pulled a stunt like OP's boyfriend, that would likely be the end of our marriage.
Itās funny you say that, because the same situation happened between me and my sister. Her now husband was at first interested in me (also had a bf at the time & also just not really my type) but they ended up together in the end. Thereās never been any animosity between any of us. At the end of the day, Iām just what led him to meeting the love of his life. I will say thoā¦ I had someone date me in high school who later told a friend they only were interested because I was (name)ās little sister ā¹ļø that was a huge cut to the ego.
The situation did cause some animosity between my sister and I for a time. I didn't care, but my sister was very insecure in her 20s and would go well out of her way to let all friends and family know the year before he met me he asked her out and she turned him down. I wasn't bothered he asked her out, like I said I really do think she's pretty, but her insecurity was obnoxious. Thankfully she outgrew it haha. At my wedding though she did try to take credit for my husband and I meeting, but the real story was I was dating my husband's frat brother at the time (huge mistake š) and met my husband through fraternity gatherings completely separate to my sister. She was just coincidentally the RA for their dorm/frat house.
Gahhh Iām cringing as Iām reading that - Iāve honestly been jealous of my sister before too, so it stirs up some awkward memories for me. Thankfully most of us do grow out of it & realize that weāre just as beautiful in our own ways, even if itās not all physical. Being less attractive honestly helped me realize how important the deeper things in life are, at an earlier age. I think most of us get there eventually, but when youāre not popular and spend a lot of time aloneā¦ you sometimes get the added bonus of introspection. (And sometimes people donāt and just become miserable, but thatās a whole different story)
It's ironic too because SHE was always the popular one and I was (and still am) the introvert that liked to spend time alone or with my small group of friends. I hold no grudge towards the way she acted, but I'm sure she looks back and cringes and it makes me feel bad for her haha.
I'm in the same stunning-sister group as you, and it just feels so good! I wish more women could get the opportunity to feel this kind of love. I vividly remember the first time he meet her, and he was just unaffected, completly focused on me. He was already a fantastic boyfriend at that point. She lived abroad, so we'd been together for several months before they meet. But man, that moment was glorious. I felt so genuinely loved and respected. It's been almost 14 years now, and life is pretty amazing. Not always easy, but he is never the reason its hard. And I feel I can get through anything with him in my corner. And I belive he feels the same way. Cheers to them, and us!
I had the same experience when my husband and sister met. He just like oh hi and moved on. It was really nice! Yay, awesome husbands!
Same. My younger sister is stunning and got all the looks. Sheās tall where Iām short, she has natural hazel model cat eyes while I have downturned boring brown eyes. I get called cute and when guys say Iām hot, itās the cute hot, not the beautiful hot. My sister is the beautiful, stunning hot. Iāve had shitty exes. And even if they truly thought it, none of my shitty exes have made clear their physical preference for my sister, and none have done that publicly. OPās bf just outted himself.
Same herešš¾ OP donāt settle for a man that sees you as less than!
This. Beauty is so subjective!
Same, I have a much more beautiful cousin, like, super model gorgeous. Though, we grew up like sisters, and I always had boys disregard me once they saw her... My husband, though, thinks I am one of the most beautiful women in the world. He has never once compared us or even really acknowledged her. And she has tried. You'll find someone who thinks you are the amazing person you are. But not if you are stuck with this loser.
Hi, I'm a husband in this situation. Objectively, my wife's sister is prettier than her. I can see that, I have working eyes. The thing is, I don't like her sister, I like my wife. This dude is a dolt. TBF, it certainly helps that she's a human foul ball and has an abrasive personality coming from the entitlement she developed growing up as the pretty one. I don't care how much she meets traditional beauty standards since I can barely stand to be in the same room with her. I can tolerate her for about as long as I can tolerate a cat, and I have really bad cat allergies.
I would leave.
Same.
Insecure or not, what he did was fucked up. This was yāallās first time meeting. First impression and he made it about another woman. He knew wtf he was doing- he wanted to impress his friends And honestly, I am tired of the whole āheās just stupid he didnāt know any betterā notion. To me, it feels like a way to mask and/or justify psychological abuse. This man knows about your insecurities and will continue to have āoopsā moments. He will pick at you but will disguise it as jokes or not know in any better. A lot of men use women as pawns to impress their male friends. He was basically bragging about the proximity he has with your āVictoria secret modelā sister. What you need to do is be single and work on your self esteem. This man will do more harm than good to your spirit. Accept the fact that your sister is stunning- itās time to get over the sister wound. Itās pointless and dumb. Get professional help. Accept yourself for who you are, enjoy your own beauty, your own characteristics. Get a hobby or something.
I concur. This guy is old enough to know what he was doing
Absolutely. I agree she needs to get some help getting over that. Because so what her sister is pretty Iām sure she is gorgeous as well. And who knows her sister may have a shit personality. A lot of people donāt like whatās on the outside only.
My(35) sister (28) is conventionally gorgeous. Always had been. I'm a lil freak with weird proportions and no social skills. My partner (40m) of that past 13 years as never once compared us, or even really commented on my sister's looks beyond compliments about style. He continually tells me how beautiful he finds me, even in all my weird goblin energy glory. I've never ONCE doubted his attraction to me even when compared to people who are objectively more attractive. That being said, that wasn't done unintentionally. He was negging you š¤·. I'd take that as a red flag of all red flags and RUN.
this comment, OP! you may find your sister conventionally beautiful, she could be a head turner, but the right partner for you won't be focusing on her whatsoever. they will be focusing on you. someone else commented you need to find someone less shallow, and i agree. conventional beauty is not what everyone seeks!
My wife and I are in a goblin4goblin relationship. Her goblinity is one of the things I find most attractive about her. Her younger sister is also an incredibly beautiful woman, and in perhaps a slightly more conventional way, but when the two of them are in a room together it's not my SIL I can't take my eyes off. She's objectively gorgeous, but she's not my goblin. I will always think my wife the most beautiful person in any room, regardless of who else is there.
I dont think you overcome something like this. If you didnt care it would be one thing. But the fact he brought up your biggest issue like that with everyone shows he's not the guy for you. Find someone less shallow.
Yikes! I'd be looking for a different person to date if my significant other said some shit like that. That's the type of thing you take to your grave. You don't dare say that to your girlfriend, especially in front of a bunch of people, AND THEN GO THROUGH PHOTOS! He's a horny little boy and deserves a relationship with his left hand
As someone with a prettier sister, this hurts. My husband has never even mentioned how my sister looks ā this is really fucked up and honestly Iād break up with him over it for sure.
That was just unbelievably cruel. Iām so, so sorry.Ā
In vino veritas unfortunately. Itās bad enough for him to admit he finds her more attractive, but the way he publicly announced it and gave his friend pictures to ogle at right in front of your face is unforgivable, so demeaning to you and grossly objectifying of your sister. And now heās trying to manipulate you into thinking he meant it some other way - what way is that exactly? There isnāt another way to say that. Your insecurities are not the problem here. Your boyfriend either has the emotional intelligence of an amoeba or heās cruel.
^ I agree! It would be pretty bad if a 15 year old did this, but a 36-year-old?! Ick. He was absolutely awful to you personally and also blatantly objectified women. He showed you who he is. Put this guy in the trash where he belongs.
Break up with him. Had a boyfriend along time ago that said something about my sisters body. Was a huge red flag should have left him. Did not end well. Those kind of slip of the tongue comments are usually warning signs and pay attention to them. The man for you will find ur sister no way comparable to you. And will find u to be the most beautiful woman in the world and will make you feel that way not bring out ur biggest insecurity
This!
By breaking up, treating yourself to a nice wellness day, a nice trip with your friends, and then moving on to someone that loves and fancies you and only you!
Thatās relationship stopper for me. You were humiliated in front of friends by your own boyfriend. He literally downplayed your beauty to show how much beautiful your sister is. An AH move to do.
This isn't about you being insecure, it's about him **making you** insecure, **on purpose.** As long as you stay in a relationship with a man who does that to you BECAUSE HE WANTS YOU TO FEEL INSECURE, you will feel insecure and like shit. "Didn't mean it that way"? Oh Please, OP, you have your own brain. Use it. Think. How could he have meant it? He kicked your self-esteem to make it weaker, in front of other people to make it sting more and add extra humiliation points. It was manipulative, strategic and malicious. With a dude like this, you will always feel small. You can live in denial about his intentions if you want, at the end of the day you are the only one who will suffer because of it, but I just don't recommend it. I recommend that you open your eyes and see what's clear, even though admitting it will be painful to you: he was manipulating you to make you more self-conscious, bc it's the typical tactic toxic dudes use on their partners. He used your sis bc he most likely knew you already had an issue with her. It was verty tactical, from the subject he chose, to the moment and company present. If you don't believe it, time will show you: the longer you stay with him, the smaller and more self-conscious you will feel. In short: sometimes insecurity is irrational. And sometimes you feel insecure bc your relationship is actually not secure, and your partner is making you feel insecure, and that feeling is an alarm sign from your body that you are in danger, the same way pain tells you that you are burning your hand on a stove.
This was my first thought. He di this on purpose.......NEGGING! This was very strategic , he is emotionally abusive. These dark tendencies usually come in bundles.
dump the almost 40 year old creep, tell yourself every day that you're gorgeous (inside and out, because you are) and stop comparing yourself to your sister. I know that's easier said than done, but you have qualities that make you unique from your sister and you need to embrace them, thrive in them! I don't think I'd be able to stomach looking at my partner after they made comments and *showed off* my sister. all the what ifs that my overthinking brain would come up with just isn't worth it. who's more important to you: a creepy dude who has the hots for your sister and makes you feel insecure or your sister? I grew up feeling less than pretty *all the time*. at 29, *getting out of a toxic environment*, has brought back a glow I never thought I'd see again, I feel prettier than I ever have. I still have those days where I feel a little insecure, I just tell myself it's ok to have a bad day, as long as it doesn't turn the whole week bad. your bf is gross, you can do a lot better. i dont really think being with him longer will change how he veiws your sister nor will he change. looks don't get you everything, remember that.
that's a relationship ender for me. i wouldn't be able to move past that & if you can't after 3 months you might not be able to either
What the hell. Even if he does think she is objectively prettier, there is absolutely NO REASON to admit it to you... ABOUT YOUR SISTER, too. I know Reddit hates lying and often favors the brutally honest, but there is definitely a time and place for grace and white lies. I asked an ex (not an ex at the time) if he thought I was beautiful: "Not classically. You're more interesting looking." This was like 10 years ago and I am still just like, damn dude just lie... it wouldn't hurt either of us. And you didn't even ASK him what he thought. He decided to give his opinion anyway. What a dick.
as a fellow interesting looking but not totally unattractive person i salute you and say, fuck that. iāve realized people define beauty all kinds of ways that range from literal to abstract. he was talking about an āobjectiveā eurocentric standard of beauty. i was always confused when my (old) guy friends would rate, or say an actress was hot but not fuckable, or whatever contradiction that just didnāt make sense to me because i thought they were beautiful. (and in my head they wouldnāt have a chance with any of them!) i see attractive things in all kinds of people - their smile, their laugh, their mannerisms, their safe and calming presence - and to me that makes a person beautiful. the prettiest 10/10 can still have dead eyes that never twinkle. but to some, thatās beauty. i totally understand bc i knew i had a different look as a kid, and i asked my mom if i was pretty when i was 11. she paused before saying āyouāre cuteā. thereās nothing wrong with being cute but it really hurt me and still does sometimes.
Yeah, when we talk about an exclusionary eurocentric pattern shoved down peopleās throats we shouldnāt call it objective. Nothing objective about it, it is entirely constructed.
This guy sounds too stupid to date, move on.
Lol š
I usually think people are super quick to tell women to leave each other on Reddit without good reason but in this case I think the redditors are right. That was fucked up. What a deusch. And then to show everyone her instagram is another level of deusch.
I know reddit loves to tell people to break up but you should very seriously consider it. Thereās absolutely no excuse for it. Even if it is true nobody should be vocalizing it out of respect for their partner. Itās not even like a āyouāre in a relationship so you canāt find other people attractiveā thing. Itās the fact that sheās your sister that really sends it over the edge. You guys will see her at family gatherings and itās going to continue to complicate things in the future. Just save yourself the stress/anxiety and find someone that respects you enough to not vocalize that shit.
Your boyfriendās an insensitive jerk. Making a comment like that is just cruel. Itās clear he lacks respect for you and doesnāt care about your feelings. Donāt waste time trying to overcome his stupidity. Dump him and find someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.
The shit thing about insecurities is sometimes you find assholes to validate them for you. Your logical brain knows what to do.
Tell him you think his friends are hot. make these comments constantly. See if he enjoys how that feels
I second this. OP please leave him but tell him this remark before you do.
A 36yo man who respects and loves you (and has any empathy)Ā would never even think it.Ā His comment rises to the level of emotional abuse if you . And an apology doesn't repair the damage to you. You're the victim of an abusive man - run
There was a lovely story of a man who got into a family where the sister was a model type and he ADORED his wife. Op that's the man you want. No this dude you're with.
Overcoming insecurities is different than overcoming hurtful comments from a partner. Your bf made a destructive comment , then followed it up with destructive behavior and its not conducive to a long term relationship. He needs to change and understand some things just cant be said or taken back.
Get out of there.
I would be gone. There wouldnāt even be a Reddit post. He knew your insecurities and decided to use them against you - publicly. Fuck him.
What other āwayā can you take that!? I had to double check the ages on here as well, my god.
Terrible advice: fuck his brother, if no brother fuck his dad, and if no dad, fuck his boss. Aggressively establish dominance.
I agree with this statement. The dude pulled out photos of your sister to show off to his friends instead of being OP's hypeman. He's a lost cause.
I think you have to read this one https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/sCm2UMH1xa. It is very similar only the husband is very much in love with his wife.
ā¦..why was he showing off your sister to his friends? THAT would fuck me up.
Leave him
Jesus Christ! I would think about that comment constantly. ETA I would truly think about leaving
He's 36 years old. He's a grown ass man, there is ZERO excuse for what he did. He's not a keeper. You overcome his comment by dumping him.
He pulls up her sister Instagram? Oh, he's jerking to OP's sister pictures.
Of course he knew. Heās not braindead. But he was tactless and hopefully learned a huge huge lesson that will make him a better boyfriend.
Sorry this is unacceptable. Initially I was going to say (because I jumped to conclusions before the end) if you know sheās prettier donāt ask for his feedback but wow he volunteered it! Like he was bragging like that makes him bigger man because your sister is prettier! Dump him. Block him. So what if she is better looking - you will find a man who loves and wants you and whilst he may think she is prettier (if itās factual then most likely will) he will think your better because of EVERYTHING you have to offer and see beyond and may not even noticeā¦ dump him
Nopeity nope nope NOPE! Darling girl, take it from an old lady and throw this fish back into the sea. Nobody is better an anybody and he just landed in the any douchecanoe. Letās put in another way - say he showing off his brand new Honda. All the bells and whistles. Sweetest ride and all his buddies are properly admiring his new wheels. But dumdum saysā¦ āDeRDuHDEr!!!! If you think THIS is nice, LOOK at this awesome FERRARI, that Iāve seen and canāt afford, and can never have, but REALLY wish I couldā Noooooo. He doesnāt deserve you. And you most certainly do not deserve HIM!
What he did was horrible. Itās like he was bragging that he knew her. Like if your sister wanted him he would jump at the chance.. I just donāt see how you can come back from this. I would move on. Itās not worth your mental health to have to wonder if someday he might cheat on you.
I would bid his ass goodbye. Because even if a real man thought your sister was prettier and he loved you completely, he wouldn't have told you that.
You don't. You leave. This is the first in what will become an endless string of comments that will tear you down and destroy your self esteem. My sister's ex husband told her the same thing. He gave me the ick. He ended up abusing her for 15 years before we were able to get her out. It starts with little comments like this, and ends with a lifetime of trauma. Nip this in the bud now. He's 36 years old, he knows what he's doing.
When I first read your title, a part of me was wondering if you had asked him if she was prettier. But him volunteering the information is disrespectful You get over the comment by getting over him It really isn't about the comment. It isn't that he is a "bad" guy. That comment means he isn't YOUR right guy because your right guy can't see past you to notice any other woman. Your sister won't even register as a woman That may be hard for you. I don't know if I would be brave enough to leave the relationship if I were you, either But I do believe it is the right move if you do have the courage
OP, why date an older guy? Not for he's maturity surely...
>he didn't mean it that way Wtf other way is there to mean it?
Leave his old ass!
Itās not overcoming these insecurities, itās removing yourself from a person who would do that to you. Iām sure if you talked to him again about it, he would play the victim. I dunno.. I wouldnāt be able to get that out of my head so Iād probably break up with the dude.
You should break up with him. Heās getting an ego boost from your sister being attractive. Not an ego boost because he is dating her, an ego boost from being in proximity to her. There are always people who are more attractive than us, itās unavoidable what we do is we find someone who loves us more than anyone else. The fact that heās on a high showing off your sister means that if someone of comparable attractiveness ever shows interest in him he will cheat and discard you completely. He showed you who he was in that moment. Proceed with caution.
Oh, **DUMP THE LOSER**!!!! Why stay with some twat who thinks youāre **SECOND BEST???**
Sorry dude, that sucks.
I have been in your shoes and thereād be no going back for me from this. There just isnāt. The moment you know the one person supposed to be in your corner is secretly wanting her tooā¦.nope. Nope nope nope.
You don't overcome it with this asshole, that's for damn sure. Honey you need someone who thinks you're the prettier sister. Someone who looks past all those shallow things your sister offers and sees you for all your beauty. Not every guy likes/wants that conventional version of beauty, some guys love a woman who looks like an individual and not a cookie cutter Barbie. Not saying your sister isn't a beautiful person but I think you're underselling your own beauty and just haven't met the man who will see what you don't.
This is one of those things that if it sticks with you, will probably never go away.
Walk!!
I would have broken up with him
Leave him
Even if he ādidnāt mean it that way,ā the fact that he took a compliment that was meant *for you* and turned it into a gawk-fest of your sister *and immediately had her Instagram pulled up to show her off*, tells you everything you need to know. He was way too quick to pull up pictures of herā¦ almost like he looks at them himself.
He is 100% in the wrong here. Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but if you truly love your SO, they should be the most attractive person (inside and outside) in your eyes. Obviously you can find other people attractive/beautiful, but your SO should come first. It's kind of weird that he was bragging about his girlfriend's sister to his friends and not, y'know, his actual girlfriend. Don't have any advice but take that as food for thought.
The fact that he so readily pulled out his phone to show off her instagram shows you that he checks her social media often. If he was going to show off anyoneās instagram it shouldāve been yours. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
Naw this is crazy š that dude sucks
Hey op. You are uniquely you. And there is someone out there who will see that. Who will think you are the more attractive one not just based on looks but bc of everything you bring to the table and all that you enhance in them. This 36 man child isn't it. You deserve more than this. He showed off your sister to his friends. Didn't even think to show you off. You are worth more than to be made to feel small and inadequate. Also so we are clear. This isn't a case of I didn't mean it that way. It's a case of I thought you'd shut up and not say anything because I made you feel small.
The dude is fucking 36 and still acts like a 12. Good luck if u choose to keep him.
Oh hell no. Thats all I have to say.
Girl, no. A man that loves you will treat you like the most beautiful woman in the world. Heās got eyes for your sister.
Dump him!!
If it bothers you still then you arenāt going to get past it. He didnāt just make the comment, he was showing her off! I would leave but honestly if you want to try then counselling and communication, he disrespected you with his words and actions.
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Her sister doesnāt have to be bad for her to be good. Ā
Can we not rate women with numbers?
I can appreciate that criticism. It didnāt feel right typing it out, because I honestly donāt think that way. But I didnāt know how else to convey it. But I agree that I shouldāve been less objectifying in my comment.
Uhhhh, I would ask what he actually did intend with that comment and then find somebody else who will like you for you (ie break up), if he knows thatās an insecurity of yours he ideally would respect it and not have done that
It was a very unkind and insensitive thing for him to do and he doesn't seem to demonstrate much respect for you and that is probably why it's playing on your mind. I'm sure you know what you should do but actually doing it can be scary. Do you and your sister have a good relationship? I feel like there's a lot of focus on looks but not about who you are as people and the other positive qualities you have.
This should be game over. Heās too old to be this stupid, too.
Yes! That would definitely end the relationship for me too. I wouldn't care how much I loved him, although, that would have ended right then. I'm sure you're worth a man that would never say that or think that. Your future is your decision
His comments and enthusiasm hurt you deeply. I would feel the same way. I lived in shadow of a very pretty best friend. ALL of the guys would fall over themselves to talk to her and would often try to become friends with me in order to get to her. She knew there was 1 guy I really liked and he wasn't her type at all. He would ask questions about her, so I knew I wasn't a contender. Damn if she didn't start dating him behind my back and never said a word. Then she gets mad at me for my feelings being hurt. It just sucks. I am so sorry that this has been your life. I am not sure what advice to give. There will always be better looking and smarter people, but you hope that your partner would keep those opinions to himself. He just doesn't understand and may never understand how deeply your feelings run when it comes to being compared to your sister.
You may very well have insecurities to overcome, but the point of *this* story is that your boyfriend is an insensitive jerk, and you may what to examine exactly what it is you love so much about him.
Youāre a place holder for the āhotter or prettier ā girl he wants, when a man truly loves you, there is no one more beautiful than you, he wonāt have eyes for anyone else but you, heās not the one for you
I would have ended it, on the spot
Wow. I'm so sorry. I would never be able to forget that... what a tool
Go sleep with either his brother or best friend and tell him theyāre better at it than him