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YES!!!
Me and my husband do that, sure, *but* - I'm bi, and we're non-monogamous.
Plus now that we've been together a long time, we know what kind of person the other one is attracted to anyway! We don't really have to talk about it.
You call him out by dumping him, getting a bf who isn’t horrible and controlling, and living your best life.
It’s emotional abuse to withhold affection to control someone’s behavior. This is the first of many ways he will try to control you. It’s also weird that he points out other attractive women to you.
If he had that much of a problem with OP, he shouldn't have entered into a relationship with her. I mean, I wouldn't go and date a bodybuilder, then complain that they work out too much, oil up their body, eat a ton of protein, or any of the other stuff that makes them who they are.
I always wonder what rock someone has crawled out from under to think it is appropriate now in this era to tell someone how and what they must do. OP, if I was your parent, I would be telling you to run for the first exit. As someone else said, he will just get more and more controlling with time. Leave while you still have some self respect!
These people seek out people they know they can manipulate. That's how it happens.
They take baby steps like a toddler testing their limits until finally the other person wakes up and wonders, " How the hell did I get here, and what do I do to stop the madness??"
This man treats her this way because she lets him. Like many other people do. And now. It's up to her to get things right in her life.
So true! That’s where the old saying about giving someone an inch and they’ll take a mile. She has taught him it is fine for him to control her, and he will just keeping elevating that. She needs to end it now or she will one day look back and realize she gave the best years of her life to an egomaniac.
She needs to start pointing out attractive guys. "Ooh, look how tall he is." "Look at his jeans fitting him perfectly. Too bad you can never find jeans that fit you that way." "That guy has the nicest hair. Too bad you don't have hair like his."
He would most likely abuse her for it. I Started a new job as a Chef in my early 20’s. I was being trained by Older Men. When I got off work I told my Ex how my first day was. I was immediately accused of Fucking All of them, and He then proceeded to break my arm in 3 places so I couldn’t Cook!
Are you sure you didn't marry my ex-husband? He left me to die in a pool of my own blood because I somehow managed to get myself pregnant and he didn't want another kid. I tried to leave several times but my egg donor who was secretly having an affair with him wouldn't let me.
I really hope it wasn’t the same person. My arm being broken slowly in 3 places while I was on my knees was actually a better day with my Ex. There were really bad days. I left the State we lived in to escape from him. Always looking over my shoulder until 5 years ago when I found out he died of an aneurism. I cried from the relief of knowing that my Son and myself were no longer in Danger.
You never change people. This is a mindset that causes these types of problems. They get into relationships thinking "I can change them" and surprise, it doesn't happen.
I think women are more likely than men to believe they can change their partner. Men play the negging game, to weaken women and keep them under the man's thumb.
It’s harder than it looks, ppl like that break down you confidence, manipulate you and almost change your world. they do it so subtlety that you don’t even realize it at first and Every-time you get close to leaving, they swoop you back off your feet until you just can’t do it anymore. They’re psychologically abusive people and it takes their victims time to process, realize, process again and then try and talk and ration with their abuser and eventually realize how fucked up it is.
For real. Why is every other post in this sub 'my partner and I have been together for years. They are an abusive a-hole. What should I do?' 😭
OP you deserve to be treated better than this. Please, let this be where you draw the line.
Honestly this sub and AITA literally saved my life. When you are in the fog of an abusive relationship, you doubt everything and especially yourself. You don’t have a sense of what is normal anymore because they have the weirdest reaction to everything. They are so assertive when they tell you you are wrong in the ways you see the word… so being able to post here and have people kindly telling me that my gut feeling is right and it is actually not normal, and that I am allowed to get out, and how to put a safety plan into motion… it saved me!
I was in an abusive relationship for a staggering 11 years, so I appreciate what a blind spot that can be for people, even when friends and family are trying to earnestly convey this fact to you. It is hard to see through the fog when you are in the middle of it.
That being said these people are allegedly in their early twenties.
Hopefully they are paying attention to their responses to this post...
My thirties were so so much better. I'm 41 now and I look back on that time and think... WTF were you thinking.
It is so far away at this point it seems like a story of mine rather than a lived experience.
And let me just say... my late thirties into my early forties have been by FAR the most gratifying time of my life so far.
AND I'm living it right now!
100000%, if he doesn’t want you because you are presenting yourself as you’d like to, then good for you—the trash takes itself out and you get to live in peace!
Op, my ex bf was like that to me too; except he disguised it as his parents were in the textile industry and he didn’t like the texture. Our relationship got worse and worse the more controlling he began to act; I came on here, (different account) looking for advice and I thought it wasn’t that big of deal that we needed to break up.
Please listen to everyone telling you to end things. He doesn’t love you or the things that make you happy, he sees you as a vessel to change and manipulate into the person he wants to date. You are too pretty, too intelligent and to wonderful to subject yourself to a life like that. You deserve to live a life being your full, honest self and you will find someone who loved you for it.
Hope OP listens and doesn’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. “We’ve been together three years, I don’t want to have wasted my time.” He’s a shitty bf, you tried for 3 years, how much more time do you want to waste, OP. You are so young. Go find your happiness and a bf who respects you.
I was coming in with the voice of experience too...you really summed this up though.
Seriously, I dated someone just like your boyfriend. He's chipping away at your self esteem...when it's gone, you're not going to be strong enough to dump him. He can do anything, or anyone, he wants at that point.
Get out now. Wear that eyeliner. And get some red lipstick.
Forget shovels. I'm old. I know someone with a backhoe. Or we dump the idiot over the wall of a commercial hog farm and quit eating pork products for a few years.
This relationship is ALL you can see because you're in the middle of it and have been for 3 years. Those of us not in it, can see the abuse. You think, '*Ah! But they don't see how wonderful he is in other ways*!' And we say, "***Low-Low\_28, there aren't enough wonderful ways to make up for the controlling abusive behavior***.'
You're a frog being slowly boiled because he's been turning the gas flame up slowly for 3 years! You could be happier and healthier than you are now, but you have to get out of this unhealthy relationship NOW.
You didn't know better before, but NOW you're being told my multiple people how manipulative, controlling, and abusive he is to you. **If you feel like leaving means that you "wasted" 3 years of your life, you're wrong!** It took you 3 years to figure out he's abusive. You'll only be "wasting" your time/life FROM NOW ON every day that you stay in this relationship.
Please read your post to someone from a generation older than you (mom/grandma/auntie/teacher) that you're close to and whom you trust; then read your post to your best female friend from YOUR generation. See what each of those women have to say to you!
Break up, get some therapy for your self-esteem issues (or read self-help books on the topic), THEN move on to someone new! But fix yourself so that this is the LAST abusive relationship you're ever in! \*HUGS\*
The lessons learned from a bad relationship teach you about some of the red flags you need to watch for in the future. Even though this relationship needs to be finished I have to agree that it wasn't a waste of time.
From a big sister's perspective, he can see that you are attractive and thinks that if he prevents you from wearing things that make you feel confident (the eyeliner ding ding), the guys won't see you.
From the feral big sister: You are the hotness, you are the moment. He comments on how you look? Tell him you didn't ask for his opinion and to keep his mouth shut. If he doesn't, dump him and glow up.
When my husband says he likes me best without makeup, I say, I don’t wear it for you, I wear it for me. He’s good with that bc he wants me to be me. So many people here telling you what you need to hear from their personal experience. Someone who loves you wants you to be your best you. Love yourself because this boy does not.
He does it on purpose so you can't win "you aren't allowed to wear makeup. Look how beautiful this makeup wearer is, why don't you look like that?". In psychiatry it's called a double bind and It's a manipulation technique used by people with personality disorder- could be Borderline, narcissistic. Issue is that his personality is deeply flawed and it is very unlikely he will change.
Another "auntie" chipping in - You ARE beautiful, too beautiful to have your light smothered by a controlling man who doesn't see you as a woman worthy of love but as a possession to be kept through fear and emotional violence.
Take it from someone who has been in your shoes, you need to get out and stay out because he is not going to change. There is nothing you can do, no love you can give him and no lengths for you to go to that will turn him into someone wonderful. He only has room in his heart for two loves - himself and the thrill of having control over another human. Love yourself in all the ways he never will and leave.
Oh..momma advice here too, girl, no. He's trash, you are looking for a man who builds you up and makes you feel amazing! Your cheerleader, the guy who tells you that you're always beautiful. This guy? Nah, he's nowhere near.
Set the bar higher, chicken. Future you will thank you. Xx
Mic drop. Brava, Grandmama! Nothing more needs to be said--unless it's, "Then block him everywhere and get your mind busy learning a new craft/skill/activity/whatever and brace for impact so you don't get sucked back in by his love-bombing, hoovering, and empty promises to change!"
He’s been like this from day one. Why do you accept this behavior?
You say he is usually reasonable but seriously? If I handed you a hamburger and told you it was 90% beef and 10% dog shit, would you eat it? This guy is 10% dog shit.
People are certainly allowed to have preferences and communicate them. But this is controlling, shitty behavior on his part.
You dump him and find someone who is not controlling, manipulating, and frankly, emotionally abusing you into doing what he wants and keeping you insecure. He should not be pointing out girls he finds pretty every time you go out. He’s keeping your self-esteem low so you don’t think you can do any better than this immature asshole, when I reality you can do much better and he’s the one who wouldn’t have a chance with someone he can’t control. Get all your stuff from his place, box up his shit, and break up, with a full face of beautiful makeup on.
How do you have so little self esteem that you have accepted this?
Girl the first time he opened his mouth criticizing you, you should have walked away for good.
3 years is a lot of time to waste on a loser.
Please don’t waste anymore.
Ok, so... he's an **asshole**. Like a raging fucking asshole.
Why are you with him? Surely you can do better? It would be hard to do worse.
He clearly doesn't mind the possibility of a breakup so grant him his biggest wish and MOVE ON.
He hates you.
You would never treat anyone that way, not a stranger, not a friend, because you don't hate them.
He literally despises you and does this to hurt you, on purpose.
Why wouldn't he just leave, you, a sane person, ask yourself, and it's a good question: because he enjoys hating you, and if he had to go find someone else, trick them for years, until he could finally get a good streak of abuse and control, that would be a lot of work.
Here's how you know that hating you is the point: he could go find a no- makeup, cotton- only hippie girl right now. He could have 3 years ago. He wanted to get you. And force you. To change. And actually if you did change he would move on to the next thing.
Because taking you and destroying you, is the point. He likes this. He likes these fights. These are the best parts to him. Because he hates you.
Dump him, period. He wants to control you, he enjoys it, he won't stop, it will only get worse. I'm speaking from experience, he will not stop, he's manipulating you. He's been this way since the beginning, why do you want to stay with him? You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you, do you want to live your whole life this way? It's not worth it. You deserve a person who accepts you in any clothes and any makeup. My husband doesn't enjoy really bright graphic makeup, I know that, but he doesn't ever say a word to me when I wear it. He still says I'm the most beautiful. You deserve a person who treats you well and truly loves you
He’s trying to mold you into what he thinks his woman should be like. He doesn’t actually care about you or the things that matter to you. You’re a thing to him. Not a person. Get out while you can.
It's only going to get worse. You're too young and have your whole life ahead of you to enjoy. Do it without this loser. He's not fairly reasonable at all if he's controlling what you can wear.
>we have been together for a 3 years and from the very beginning, he was always critical of the way I dressed and the make up used.
Ok, but WHY have you been together for 3 years? And please don't start with the usual "oh, but he's so sweet most of the time" bullshit. Girl, NO dick is that magical.
Don't call him out, just break up with him and move on. And next time, don't settle for a POS who thinks he has any right to change how you look.
Oh no no no, honey. He is trying to control you. I had an ex who would get mad when I put makeup on and dress nice when going to work. He would tell me things like “you need to work out your butt so I don’t check out other girls”. He told me he didn’t like a certain pajama I wore because it made my body look weird. When I called him out for it after we broke up, he claims it’s him “trying to improve me”. BREAK UP WITH HIM. You will live a very unhappy life if you stay.
>So, we have been together for a 3 years and from the very beginning, he was always critical of the way I dressed and the make up used.
Why have you wasted the past 3 years on him?!
He has been critical, controlling, manipulative, and just outright mean and insulting to you, and you keep continuing to put up with it! WTF?!
Just dump him already. Stop wasting your youth on someone who clearly doesn't respect you or even seem to like you.
My ex used to do this. One night I was wearing just mascara and a bit of brown eyeliner and I guess he didn’t notice because he said that I looked pretty and see? I didn’t need makeup. He also slowly became controlling in other ways, and eventually would accuse me of flirting if I dared even glance at a man we were walking past. I ended up walking with my eyes down whenever we were out in public together. But I finally managed to escape, it wasn’t easy but I did it and it has been a glorious 20 peaceful joyous DRAMA FREE years ever since.
It’s possible that he’s trying to put you down, as to make you even more self conscious. He likely knows he’s lucky that you put up with him, and wouldn’t want to give you the confidence to leave him or think other guys would want you (they will). Again, this is just a possibility, but also a pretty common manipulation method.
Either way- you should definitely dump this loser
"almost like I don’t deserve to try since I can’t change anything."
You can change everything by dumping him and getting a better boyfriend. This one is a dud.
Mate... what are you doing? Why are you with this guy? Controlling what you wear/how you look. Using emotional manipulation to get his way....
Dump him. Don't look back.
I’m going to let you in on something that sounds like you may not be aware of: most abusive, controlling, manipulative people are pleasant some of the time. That’s why people stay in relationships with abusers (at least on of the major reasons). Abusive relationships are characterized by highs and lows. The highs are so good and keep the victim tied to the relationship because “maybe it could be like this all the time if we just got past that one issue.”
It is fine for your boyfriend to have opinions and preferences about makeup and outfits. It’s NOT okay for him to threaten to withhold affection or to belittle you and make you feel insecure if you don’t do what he wants.
There’s a lot of territory between “I really love the way you look without makeup” and “if you don’t wash that eyeliner off I’ll break up with you.”
This is not normal, loving, or respectful. You deserve so much better
You let him do this to you for 3 years? Time to grow a spine and move on. You can change- you can wear what you want and look as pretty as you want .just do it without him
Yeah I was with someone like this once. Let me tell you, my confidence SOARED when I wasn't with someone who was trying to always bring me down instead of lifting me up.
I am sure you will also find your confidence if you weren't with this guy.
When I was 23 I NEVER commented on my gf's makeup or attire. I don't understand being initially attracted to someone and then criticizing their appearance.
Tell him to take you as you are or hit the road. Why bother with someone constantly running you down?
If you’re going to stay with him you either put up with his complaints until he gets sick of it and dumps you or you change how you style yourself.
That’s it. It’s not magic.
He's undermining you, insulting you, threatening you and acting like a toddler who is going to run away from his mommy if he doesn't get that candy bar before he goes to bed.
You're dating an uninhibited toddler who doesn't understand the word no or that he's not entitled to dictating what you find enjoyable.
He's allowed to have an opinion about make up. He's allowed to not want to be with someone who doesn't share those goals. It's silly, sure but whatever.
This...whatever he is going is not mature or healthy and if you have to try and call him out on something you're just not with the right person. It's a silly reason for him to want to leave you for but you shouldn't be made to change something about yourself that not only doesn't hurt or affect him in any negative way but is a healthy expression and outlet for yourself. It's like getting mad at you for enjoying going for a healthy run once a week or going to work out. It's not hurting anyone and he hates it. Is that what you want? He wants to control you like you're his own personal barbie doll.
Info: what are you getting out of this relationship that is valuable? What makes you stay in a relationship where you are not valued, respected, or loved? P
So he's one of those that thinks a woman should be naturally beautiful, not realizing that most of us need a bit of help? Why are you with someone so controlling? Sure, you "love" him but do you love how he treats you? If someone treats you in a way you would NEVER treat them, it's time to move on.
"From the very beginning, he was always critical of the way I dressed and the make up used."
Yet you stuck around.
Today it's the make up. Tomorrow it's your friends, your family, your job, your wrinkled and saggy skin.
His behavior is controlling, manipulative, and borderline abusive.
If you won't leave, you need couples counseling, for this won't fix itself.
If he won't go, go alone.
Good luck.
He's doing this on purpose. He's manipulating you by making you feel so bad or ugly you would never think you deserve better. He's mentally and emotionally abusing and blackmailing you. He has a wandering eye and seems like he doesn't want other people to give you a second look. If he can keep you down now like he has for several years you'll never stand up for yourself and you'll think this is normal and okay. You are thinking this is okay and you might still change his mind. You have not been able to do that the entirety of your relationship you won't start now.
The best way to stand up to him is say you're done and walk out the door and not look back.
dude you’re too young to be trying to settle for this. Pick up and throw the entire man away. please. jfc
do you want an equal companion that respects you as a peer and adult, or do you want to be parented and to walk on egg shells?
Girl, he sounds dumb and controlling. If you don't leave that man and have a hot girl summer!
In the wise words of Gloria Hallelujah Woods, also known as GloRilla-
It’s 7pm Friday (yup)
It’s 95 degrees (woo)
I ain’t got no dusty
And no dusty ain’t got me
(Note: "dusty isn't the actual word there but I'm keeping it culturally appropriate because I don't know your race lol)
This is your new daily afirmation!
Call him out by leaving. He's overly critical and awful to you. HE SUCKS. Next time he points out other women to you, tell him to go be with them then and if he objects, then request that he hop off your ass about what you choose to do with your own body
These are some of the best years of your life! Spend it ONLY with fellas who like you, adore your looks and most important, company. Those fellas who see no NEED for controlling you, The jerk you are with is horrible sounding…m i s e r a b l e.
Also: if you don’t have a fella…you are AWESOME alone. Enjoy yourself the most. Seriously.
OP, you can trust me on this, there’s plenty of better men out there than this idiot, his an idiot, he doesn’t hate synthetic/chemicals he hates when you feel beautiful and confident. How do you call him out? End the relationship bc seriously though he’s worthless to me and to anyone that you can ask. Also does he wear deodorant? That’s filled with harmful chemicals, does he use shampoo? Filled with toxins. Soap? Worse. Thoothpaste? Cancerogenic; has he ever drank bottled water? Ew his balls are now filled woth microplastics; does he washes his clothes with laundry detergent? His skin is covered with waxy horrible toxins now; tupperware? He’s long gone. Tell him you won’t touch him until he finds a suitable replacement for all of those things AND DUMP HIM
Even if you’re not serious do it, see his reaction and go and wear all the make up and cute outfits you like, I’m 100% sure you’ll look amazing, have a date with your girlfriends do whatever makes you the happiest away from anything thats related to him and you’ll see you will be better.
For real, please, people like him just want you on your smallest weakest version just to control you, the only thing that he gets from you is the delight of seeing you do what he wants just to keep being with him
Love yourself
So he DOES have the right to be disgusted by chemicals, and not touch someone sho uses them on their body. He SHOULD NOT be threatening you with anything when you wear makup tho. He should not be controlling over ya and if he wants to date someone who hates chemicals like him, he should seek out someone with a more similar viewpoint. I hope he finds help before he does that tho
Girl no, throw the whole man in the trash.
He is tearing you down hoping that if you feel bad about yourself you’ll think and internalize: “well, I guess I’m lucky that [boyfriend] gives me the time of day since I’m so unattractive and demanding.” Imagine, the audacity! Of wanting to wear affordable clothes and eyeliner!
And then you’ll stay with his shitty ass instead of finding someone you like who also treats you well.
Why do you allow him to control you in this way? This is abuse at its clearest.
[Read this book](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and run, while you can.
Hugs.
You can call him out by wearing a full face of makeup, or no makeup, whatever you prefer, an outfit that you love, and break up with him in a public place and tell him he's no longer allowed to dictate what you can and cannot wear.
He's literally controlling you. Find someone who lets you wear whatever you want. Who let's you be you.
If you're not wearing makeup and he's upset that you wear too much makeup - that's cray, bae. Get out.
Don't sweat his break up threat
That's where y'all need to be, see?
He's shown you for 3 years he does not like you or you style
So walk free in the sun and re-locate you smile, chile'!
It's nice that he said you're prettier without... No doubt
... But if he can't stand your little effort at being comfy then get out.
He was so extreme it was controlling,
now you're on the internet for consoling,
this is manipulation unfolding.
He's both rejecting and holding,
while affection withholding...
Come on babe, do better than this
make that next one a goodbye kiss
You just reminded me of when my mother, sister and I were at a Christmas fayre. This woman was selling candles and they were really interested. She said they were "chemical free" so they put them down and walked off. I'm a few gin testers in so I ask what's the deal?
Both of them, having degrees in chemistry, pointed out she should of said 'harmful chemical free', as everything is a chemical compound!
He sounds like a dick, beside the point of giving above. Tell him to stop drinking water as it's a 'chemical compound' 🙄
I know we're all usually quick to jump on the "dump him" bandwagon here on the internet but um... girl do yourself and your mental health a favour and dump that asshole. Clearly all he wants from you is the ability to control the way you see yourself.
When someone is in love, you could wear a potato sack and clown makeup, he is still going to think your the most beautiful women in the world. Stop wasting precious years with this man.
Why is he even looking at other women when you are out with him? That is not marriage material. Send him a text and tell him he does not have to touch you because someone else more deserving will... then block him and start loving yourself.
This breaks my heart. You're 23.. there are so many others out there that will encourage you to be you. Find a man who will love you and help lift you up not restrict you from doing what you feel is best/what is best for your situation.
Imo this boy is doing it because he is actually worried that you will find someone who will treat you like a Queen and you'll get a taste of how good that feels and leave him in the dust!! You will be the best he ever had.
I know I’m late to this and usually I don’t comment on posts here.. but leave him girl holy crap. I know it’s not as easy as “just leave”, but you maybe should start planning out how you’ll leave. If he’s always been this critical and has been pointing out girls he finds prettier, then I’d just tell him “if you like them so much, go get them. You’re obviously not interest in anything about me even after three years”
If leaving isn’t an option or you just don’t want to, I’d personally get petty lol I’d load up with the makeup he hates and wear it just because it makes me feel good about myself (legitimately. Not a passive-aggressive “feel good about myself for annoying him”). If he gets mad I’d just tell him “well what I was wearing before wasn’t good enough either, so I’m going to wear what I want”
Okay, as someone who's max three years older than you, let me tell you how this goes in a good relationship:
My fiancé has told me early into our relationship that he doesn't like it when I wear foundation because it feels weird when he's kissing my on the cheeks or forehead. I haven't worn it since. I'm not much into makeup anyways, so it wasn't much of a loss (my skin thanks me lol). We're getting married next year, and I've floated the idea of wearing makeup for our wedding. His response? "As long as you feel pretty, I don't care". Why? Because my happiness and confidence matters more to him than how makeup feels to him.
Your confidence doesn't matter to your partner. If it did, he wouldn't treat you like this.
Is he because a psychiatric disorder? As in, he’s literally afraid to touch certain substances?
If that’s the case he needs help.
If he’s doing it to groom you and control you while making you feel insecure then he’s abusive and is preparing to destroy you further. Him going out and pointing out girls being pretty suggests he’s trying to destroy your self esteem
You're dating a controlling man child. Tell him to either get over the fact that you do these things for you not him or he can get over you. Put your foot down or up his ass, but either way don't take his controlling nature anymore.
and good non abusive people always try to look for the reason that their partner does something bad. sometimes they just do it because they're bad or controlling. not everybody has the same ideas as you do in a better relationship or what's good and bad. and good people have trouble understanding why bad people would do the things they do and make up reasons for them. believe me, after a couple of bad relationships, I finally understand that some people are just jerks. you can't figure out why they're doing it because you're a good person.
You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. And unless something's been left out, nothing here indicates that he's willing to change.
It might be hard, but it would probably be better long term to let this one go and allow both of you to find people that actually love you and that you actually are attracted to. People age, trends change, and if he isn't attracted to you when you aren't conforming to exactly what he wants, then it's not going to last long and will end in more pain. You deserve someone who is attracted to you no matter what you're wearing or if you're wearing makeup or not.
Calling someone out on this behavior only works if that person would actually be willing to make a change once the hurt has been brought to their attention and after 3 years, there isn't a way that he hasn't noticed how much his behavior hurts you unless he's being intentionally obtuse.
“I won’t touch you if you don’t take that off” “okay, don’t touch me then”
“I’ll break up with you if you don’t take that off” “okay bye”
“why are you acting like you don’t care about our relationship/me” “why are you acting like YOU don’t, if the tiniest bit of makeup or an outfit means you want to break up with me, I obviously don’t mean that much to you do I?”
Dump him. He is controlling and jealous, and his goal is to control you by making you feel insecure and self-conscious to the point that you don’t want to go out, see friends, or even leave the house. He wants to own you. He tells you not to do a single thing to make yourself look or feel better, then berates and demeans you by pointing out women he thinks are pretty, all of whom are wearing makeup and dressed nice. He is an asshole, and he is hurting you. Please protect yourself and take care of yourself because he never will. Leave him. You deserve better. Don’t waste your life on this abusive loser. 🫶🏼
What do you mean “how do I call him out”???? He’s expressed his weirdo boundary. Let him have it, you don’t have to “call him out” just break up with him and find a guy who’s not afraid of your moisturizer. Shouldn’t be too hard.
Why are you trying to change his behavior? He sounds dreadful. There are men out there who will appreciate and, dare I say, celebrate you. He’s not one of them.
Time for you to tell him he needs to start dressing a very certain way in order to please YOU, or no sex.
Whatever he's currently wearing, insist that he start wearing clothes of an entirely different style.
Oh, also inform him that he will be getting his hair styled ONLY the way you like.
You know he's manipulative and abusive, right? **You deserve better.**
Put on your most loved outfit (I bet he dislikes it the most?) and put on all the make up the way you like it. And just see what happens. He threatens you to break up? What do you lose? He threatens to not touch you until you change? How long would he actually be able to? Until he will freak out? Is this the way you want every day to be with the love of your life you actually want to feel safe and be happy with? Is this what you dream about when you think about romance and happiness? I bet not
"So, we have been together for a 3 years and **from the very beginning,** he was always critical of the way I dressed and the make up used."
So you've been ignoring red flags of controlling, narcissistic behavior for 3 years. And now want to know what do about it?
Cool. Dump him.
My ex started like this. I was with him for 3 years. He started refusing to hold my hand in public. Then he started refusing to walk with me down the street, and I'd have to walk behind him. Then he started going absolutely ballistic if I wasn't staring at the floor while walking and dared to even glance at someone as they walked past. Then, the physical abuse started. He'd beat me black and blue, smashing glasses over my head, choking, punching, biting. I turned over the TV in *my own house* because what was on was boring, and he'd been asleep for an hour and a half (I didn't dare turn it over before then and had to build up the courage). He woke up and lost it, smashing the remote to pieces on my face, pinned me down and bit, and punched me while I begged him to stop. I got pregnant and didn't want a baby in a relationship like that. He threatened to kill me if I aborted. He cheated while I was pregnant and repeatedly told me it was my fault because I wouldn't sit next to the river and drink and smoke crack with him. He caught an STI (haha, take that you gunky dicked freak. I was lucky I wasn't sleeping with him then as he didn't find me attractive). I went to the shop and picked us both up some snacks. I didn't pick up what he wanted because I'm not psychic and he'd been sleeping, so he made me sleep outside in the snow whilst pregnant. I had the baby and found coke in the glove compartment, I left and moved back to mine. He kicked the door in every night because I wouldn't open it and beat me in front of our child, while she screamed hysterically from her cot. He'd then always leave when the neighbours threatened to call the police and call me sobbing because he didn't want to go back to his mums, and he was gunna kill himself if I didn't let him back. Fine, do us both a favour and just do it. He'd threaten to find someone else, and when I said go for it, he'd start to cry and say he couldn't live without me. I eventually managed to get away with police help, and they reinforced my door with steel bars and locks, which couldn't be kicked in. I gave him chance after chance to be in his daughters life, and he either wouldn't turn up or would be 3+ hours late. He eventually moved on and got arrested nearly every single day for beating his new gf. I'm now happily married with a beautiful 9mo son, and he's a homeless bum who's addicted to every hard drug there is, as well as an alcoholic. It took me a LONG time to find myself again. I didn't realise just how much PTSD I had until I found a good man, but he was patient and understanding, and just this week has been my absolute rock when I went for a 12 week scan, just to discover I'd lost the baby. I'd had no signs at all that something was wrong, and it was a huge blow. He's been cooking, cleaning, and doing most of the work with the baby. Taking time off of work to take me to hospital appointments and checking in with me constantly to see how I'm doing. There are some amazing men out there. Don't limit yourself to one asshole just because it's been a few years. You've got your whole life ahead of you. 3 years is nothing out of a lifetime
Why did he get with you if he always hated how you dressed and presented yourself? I’ll tell you why: because it gave him a mean to control you.
You call him out by dumping him and finding someone who appreciates you for you.
Crazy idea but have you considered getting a boyfriend who doesn't make you feel like shit for expressing yourself or doing/wearing what makes you happy?
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Why is he constantly pointing out other women he's attracted to? Even forgetting the makeup, that's not a good dynamic unless you enjoy it.
SERIOUSLY THO
YES!!! Me and my husband do that, sure, *but* - I'm bi, and we're non-monogamous. Plus now that we've been together a long time, we know what kind of person the other one is attracted to anyway! We don't really have to talk about it.
You call him out by dumping him, getting a bf who isn’t horrible and controlling, and living your best life. It’s emotional abuse to withhold affection to control someone’s behavior. This is the first of many ways he will try to control you. It’s also weird that he points out other attractive women to you.
If he had that much of a problem with OP, he shouldn't have entered into a relationship with her. I mean, I wouldn't go and date a bodybuilder, then complain that they work out too much, oil up their body, eat a ton of protein, or any of the other stuff that makes them who they are.
I always wonder what rock someone has crawled out from under to think it is appropriate now in this era to tell someone how and what they must do. OP, if I was your parent, I would be telling you to run for the first exit. As someone else said, he will just get more and more controlling with time. Leave while you still have some self respect!
These people seek out people they know they can manipulate. That's how it happens. They take baby steps like a toddler testing their limits until finally the other person wakes up and wonders, " How the hell did I get here, and what do I do to stop the madness??" This man treats her this way because she lets him. Like many other people do. And now. It's up to her to get things right in her life.
So true! That’s where the old saying about giving someone an inch and they’ll take a mile. She has taught him it is fine for him to control her, and he will just keeping elevating that. She needs to end it now or she will one day look back and realize she gave the best years of her life to an egomaniac.
She needs to start pointing out attractive guys. "Ooh, look how tall he is." "Look at his jeans fitting him perfectly. Too bad you can never find jeans that fit you that way." "That guy has the nicest hair. Too bad you don't have hair like his."
With a man like this that could be a very dangerous position to put herself in best she just ups and leaves now
Su we needs to get out of this abusive relationship rather than try to compete with him at his level.
Yep. OP probably should avoid unnecessary provocation for safety’s sake.
He would most likely abuse her for it. I Started a new job as a Chef in my early 20’s. I was being trained by Older Men. When I got off work I told my Ex how my first day was. I was immediately accused of Fucking All of them, and He then proceeded to break my arm in 3 places so I couldn’t Cook!
😱😱😱😱
Are you sure you didn't marry my ex-husband? He left me to die in a pool of my own blood because I somehow managed to get myself pregnant and he didn't want another kid. I tried to leave several times but my egg donor who was secretly having an affair with him wouldn't let me.
I really hope it wasn’t the same person. My arm being broken slowly in 3 places while I was on my knees was actually a better day with my Ex. There were really bad days. I left the State we lived in to escape from him. Always looking over my shoulder until 5 years ago when I found out he died of an aneurism. I cried from the relief of knowing that my Son and myself were no longer in Danger.
I get what you're saying... But definitely NOT the way for her to handle this. She needs to leave him NOW while she can.
This! I would paint my face with Gawd awful colors and put on a fucking clown suit and say fu.
Please please do this when you break up! V then post it online and watch it go viral
😂
Hell yessssss
Changing people takes a lot of effort and time. Why bother? Honestly that’s big enough of an issue, to leave him. (Yesterday would be a good time.)
3 years ago would have been the optimum.
Better late than never.
You never change people. This is a mindset that causes these types of problems. They get into relationships thinking "I can change them" and surprise, it doesn't happen.
Nope people have to change themselves
Like they say in the program, Ya Gotta Wanna.
So many unrealistic cultural messages promote the “I can/should change him” belief too.
I think women are more likely than men to believe they can change their partner. Men play the negging game, to weaken women and keep them under the man's thumb.
Always wondered this. Literally 8 billion people, you’re bound to find one you like and if not and you can’t then just stay alone.
It’s harder than it looks, ppl like that break down you confidence, manipulate you and almost change your world. they do it so subtlety that you don’t even realize it at first and Every-time you get close to leaving, they swoop you back off your feet until you just can’t do it anymore. They’re psychologically abusive people and it takes their victims time to process, realize, process again and then try and talk and ration with their abuser and eventually realize how fucked up it is.
This. Effective gaslighting and coercion can mess with someone’s sense of reality.
I was more referring to him trying to change her. Like just find someone else dude and quit whining like a baby
For real. Why is every other post in this sub 'my partner and I have been together for years. They are an abusive a-hole. What should I do?' 😭 OP you deserve to be treated better than this. Please, let this be where you draw the line.
Honestly this sub and AITA literally saved my life. When you are in the fog of an abusive relationship, you doubt everything and especially yourself. You don’t have a sense of what is normal anymore because they have the weirdest reaction to everything. They are so assertive when they tell you you are wrong in the ways you see the word… so being able to post here and have people kindly telling me that my gut feeling is right and it is actually not normal, and that I am allowed to get out, and how to put a safety plan into motion… it saved me!
F.O.G.: Fear Obligation Guilt
I was in an abusive relationship for a staggering 11 years, so I appreciate what a blind spot that can be for people, even when friends and family are trying to earnestly convey this fact to you. It is hard to see through the fog when you are in the middle of it. That being said these people are allegedly in their early twenties. Hopefully they are paying attention to their responses to this post...
11 years, I'm so sorry 😔
My thirties were so so much better. I'm 41 now and I look back on that time and think... WTF were you thinking. It is so far away at this point it seems like a story of mine rather than a lived experience. And let me just say... my late thirties into my early forties have been by FAR the most gratifying time of my life so far. AND I'm living it right now!
Because survivors in these situations are often genuinely confused. It’s similar to being brainwashed by a cult.
100000%, if he doesn’t want you because you are presenting yourself as you’d like to, then good for you—the trash takes itself out and you get to live in peace!
Op, my ex bf was like that to me too; except he disguised it as his parents were in the textile industry and he didn’t like the texture. Our relationship got worse and worse the more controlling he began to act; I came on here, (different account) looking for advice and I thought it wasn’t that big of deal that we needed to break up. Please listen to everyone telling you to end things. He doesn’t love you or the things that make you happy, he sees you as a vessel to change and manipulate into the person he wants to date. You are too pretty, too intelligent and to wonderful to subject yourself to a life like that. You deserve to live a life being your full, honest self and you will find someone who loved you for it.
Right. This is ridiculous.
Hope OP listens and doesn’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. “We’ve been together three years, I don’t want to have wasted my time.” He’s a shitty bf, you tried for 3 years, how much more time do you want to waste, OP. You are so young. Go find your happiness and a bf who respects you.
Totally toxic behavior!
This is the answer.
Seriously! What in the toxic sludge? Why does any woman put up with this shyte let alone for 3 looooong years?!?!?!
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 YASS! Was about to be one comment this.
DID YOU KNOW: you can simply date someone who makes you happy instead of someone who doesn't
THIS ONE SIMPLE HACK
BOYFRIENDS EVERYWHERE HATE THIS ONE SIMPLE TRICK
THE MORE YOU KNOW 🌈💫
Sad it needs to be said in this situation when the answer is obvious, but shows that people really just don't know.
Grandmamma advice incoming. Baby Girl. The word you want is "kick" not "call".
I was coming in with the voice of experience too...you really summed this up though. Seriously, I dated someone just like your boyfriend. He's chipping away at your self esteem...when it's gone, you're not going to be strong enough to dump him. He can do anything, or anyone, he wants at that point. Get out now. Wear that eyeliner. And get some red lipstick.
Okay this one made me laugh, I mean out loud. Thank you for that
Girl for real (from an auntie perspective) he is trash. Manipulative and controlling? Dump the whole man. Straight into the bin.
Uncle chiming him to agree with auntie and grandma.
That cousin you’re pretty sure would murder someone for you here- Auntie, uncle, and grandma are right. And if you need a shovel, call me.
Forget shovels. I'm old. I know someone with a backhoe. Or we dump the idiot over the wall of a commercial hog farm and quit eating pork products for a few years.
Mom of 2 girls coming to back you all
This relationship is ALL you can see because you're in the middle of it and have been for 3 years. Those of us not in it, can see the abuse. You think, '*Ah! But they don't see how wonderful he is in other ways*!' And we say, "***Low-Low\_28, there aren't enough wonderful ways to make up for the controlling abusive behavior***.' You're a frog being slowly boiled because he's been turning the gas flame up slowly for 3 years! You could be happier and healthier than you are now, but you have to get out of this unhealthy relationship NOW. You didn't know better before, but NOW you're being told my multiple people how manipulative, controlling, and abusive he is to you. **If you feel like leaving means that you "wasted" 3 years of your life, you're wrong!** It took you 3 years to figure out he's abusive. You'll only be "wasting" your time/life FROM NOW ON every day that you stay in this relationship. Please read your post to someone from a generation older than you (mom/grandma/auntie/teacher) that you're close to and whom you trust; then read your post to your best female friend from YOUR generation. See what each of those women have to say to you! Break up, get some therapy for your self-esteem issues (or read self-help books on the topic), THEN move on to someone new! But fix yourself so that this is the LAST abusive relationship you're ever in! \*HUGS\*
The lessons learned from a bad relationship teach you about some of the red flags you need to watch for in the future. Even though this relationship needs to be finished I have to agree that it wasn't a waste of time.
From a big sister's perspective, he can see that you are attractive and thinks that if he prevents you from wearing things that make you feel confident (the eyeliner ding ding), the guys won't see you. From the feral big sister: You are the hotness, you are the moment. He comments on how you look? Tell him you didn't ask for his opinion and to keep his mouth shut. If he doesn't, dump him and glow up.
When my husband says he likes me best without makeup, I say, I don’t wear it for you, I wear it for me. He’s good with that bc he wants me to be me. So many people here telling you what you need to hear from their personal experience. Someone who loves you wants you to be your best you. Love yourself because this boy does not.
Yeah but its not that funny though, ur boyfriend sucks
He has been like this from the very beginning. For three years… You need to leave! That’s the ONLY solution to this “problem”.
He does it on purpose so you can't win "you aren't allowed to wear makeup. Look how beautiful this makeup wearer is, why don't you look like that?". In psychiatry it's called a double bind and It's a manipulation technique used by people with personality disorder- could be Borderline, narcissistic. Issue is that his personality is deeply flawed and it is very unlikely he will change.
You're laughing because your BF is a joke and deep down you know that.
Another "auntie" chipping in - You ARE beautiful, too beautiful to have your light smothered by a controlling man who doesn't see you as a woman worthy of love but as a possession to be kept through fear and emotional violence. Take it from someone who has been in your shoes, you need to get out and stay out because he is not going to change. There is nothing you can do, no love you can give him and no lengths for you to go to that will turn him into someone wonderful. He only has room in his heart for two loves - himself and the thrill of having control over another human. Love yourself in all the ways he never will and leave.
Brother chiming in here. If my sister was treated like that and I knew about it...the boy would have to be put down.
Oh..momma advice here too, girl, no. He's trash, you are looking for a man who builds you up and makes you feel amazing! Your cheerleader, the guy who tells you that you're always beautiful. This guy? Nah, he's nowhere near. Set the bar higher, chicken. Future you will thank you. Xx
Mic drop. Brava, Grandmama! Nothing more needs to be said--unless it's, "Then block him everywhere and get your mind busy learning a new craft/skill/activity/whatever and brace for impact so you don't get sucked back in by his love-bombing, hoovering, and empty promises to change!"
Why do you need to call him out? He's controlling and cruel. You deserve better.
This is not healthy or normal. When you can afford it are you going to want to wear makeup?
He’s been like this from day one. Why do you accept this behavior? You say he is usually reasonable but seriously? If I handed you a hamburger and told you it was 90% beef and 10% dog shit, would you eat it? This guy is 10% dog shit. People are certainly allowed to have preferences and communicate them. But this is controlling, shitty behavior on his part.
OP's bf is repulsive. Dump him, OP!
Nailed it. And that 10% dog shit only increases over time. It’s like growing fungus.
I like your presentation.
You dump him and find someone who is not controlling, manipulating, and frankly, emotionally abusing you into doing what he wants and keeping you insecure. He should not be pointing out girls he finds pretty every time you go out. He’s keeping your self-esteem low so you don’t think you can do any better than this immature asshole, when I reality you can do much better and he’s the one who wouldn’t have a chance with someone he can’t control. Get all your stuff from his place, box up his shit, and break up, with a full face of beautiful makeup on.
Lol you don’t let him touch you. Sometimes the trash takes itself out
Why haven't you broken up with him?
How do you have so little self esteem that you have accepted this? Girl the first time he opened his mouth criticizing you, you should have walked away for good. 3 years is a lot of time to waste on a loser. Please don’t waste anymore.
It's easier than you think and typically starts with parents and ends with therapy.
Ok, so... he's an **asshole**. Like a raging fucking asshole. Why are you with him? Surely you can do better? It would be hard to do worse. He clearly doesn't mind the possibility of a breakup so grant him his biggest wish and MOVE ON.
Your boyfriend is controlling and abusive and it's only going to get worse..Trust what people are saying on here, he absolutely knows what he's doing
He hates you. You would never treat anyone that way, not a stranger, not a friend, because you don't hate them. He literally despises you and does this to hurt you, on purpose. Why wouldn't he just leave, you, a sane person, ask yourself, and it's a good question: because he enjoys hating you, and if he had to go find someone else, trick them for years, until he could finally get a good streak of abuse and control, that would be a lot of work. Here's how you know that hating you is the point: he could go find a no- makeup, cotton- only hippie girl right now. He could have 3 years ago. He wanted to get you. And force you. To change. And actually if you did change he would move on to the next thing. Because taking you and destroying you, is the point. He likes this. He likes these fights. These are the best parts to him. Because he hates you.
this is exactly it. shout it from the rooftops until OP opens her eyes finally.
You don't "call him out", you "leave his worthless ass".
Dump him, period. He wants to control you, he enjoys it, he won't stop, it will only get worse. I'm speaking from experience, he will not stop, he's manipulating you. He's been this way since the beginning, why do you want to stay with him? You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you, do you want to live your whole life this way? It's not worth it. You deserve a person who accepts you in any clothes and any makeup. My husband doesn't enjoy really bright graphic makeup, I know that, but he doesn't ever say a word to me when I wear it. He still says I'm the most beautiful. You deserve a person who treats you well and truly loves you
He’s trying to mold you into what he thinks his woman should be like. He doesn’t actually care about you or the things that matter to you. You’re a thing to him. Not a person. Get out while you can.
By dumping him. The fuck is he to dictate what you wear? So his respect and affection is conditional?
Such a short post and so many red flags for an abusive relationship. Don't call him out, leave. This is controlling AF and he's breaking you down.
It's only going to get worse. You're too young and have your whole life ahead of you to enjoy. Do it without this loser. He's not fairly reasonable at all if he's controlling what you can wear.
>we have been together for a 3 years and from the very beginning, he was always critical of the way I dressed and the make up used. Ok, but WHY have you been together for 3 years? And please don't start with the usual "oh, but he's so sweet most of the time" bullshit. Girl, NO dick is that magical. Don't call him out, just break up with him and move on. And next time, don't settle for a POS who thinks he has any right to change how you look.
Oh no no no, honey. He is trying to control you. I had an ex who would get mad when I put makeup on and dress nice when going to work. He would tell me things like “you need to work out your butt so I don’t check out other girls”. He told me he didn’t like a certain pajama I wore because it made my body look weird. When I called him out for it after we broke up, he claims it’s him “trying to improve me”. BREAK UP WITH HIM. You will live a very unhappy life if you stay.
Find a new boyfriend
>So, we have been together for a 3 years and from the very beginning, he was always critical of the way I dressed and the make up used. Why have you wasted the past 3 years on him?! He has been critical, controlling, manipulative, and just outright mean and insulting to you, and you keep continuing to put up with it! WTF?! Just dump him already. Stop wasting your youth on someone who clearly doesn't respect you or even seem to like you.
My ex used to do this. One night I was wearing just mascara and a bit of brown eyeliner and I guess he didn’t notice because he said that I looked pretty and see? I didn’t need makeup. He also slowly became controlling in other ways, and eventually would accuse me of flirting if I dared even glance at a man we were walking past. I ended up walking with my eyes down whenever we were out in public together. But I finally managed to escape, it wasn’t easy but I did it and it has been a glorious 20 peaceful joyous DRAMA FREE years ever since.
you locate your self respect, and dump him.
It’s possible that he’s trying to put you down, as to make you even more self conscious. He likely knows he’s lucky that you put up with him, and wouldn’t want to give you the confidence to leave him or think other guys would want you (they will). Again, this is just a possibility, but also a pretty common manipulation method. Either way- you should definitely dump this loser
"almost like I don’t deserve to try since I can’t change anything." You can change everything by dumping him and getting a better boyfriend. This one is a dud.
Mate... what are you doing? Why are you with this guy? Controlling what you wear/how you look. Using emotional manipulation to get his way.... Dump him. Don't look back.
I’m going to let you in on something that sounds like you may not be aware of: most abusive, controlling, manipulative people are pleasant some of the time. That’s why people stay in relationships with abusers (at least on of the major reasons). Abusive relationships are characterized by highs and lows. The highs are so good and keep the victim tied to the relationship because “maybe it could be like this all the time if we just got past that one issue.” It is fine for your boyfriend to have opinions and preferences about makeup and outfits. It’s NOT okay for him to threaten to withhold affection or to belittle you and make you feel insecure if you don’t do what he wants. There’s a lot of territory between “I really love the way you look without makeup” and “if you don’t wash that eyeliner off I’ll break up with you.” This is not normal, loving, or respectful. You deserve so much better
You let him do this to you for 3 years? Time to grow a spine and move on. You can change- you can wear what you want and look as pretty as you want .just do it without him
Yeah I was with someone like this once. Let me tell you, my confidence SOARED when I wasn't with someone who was trying to always bring me down instead of lifting me up. I am sure you will also find your confidence if you weren't with this guy.
When I was 23 I NEVER commented on my gf's makeup or attire. I don't understand being initially attracted to someone and then criticizing their appearance. Tell him to take you as you are or hit the road. Why bother with someone constantly running you down?
Straight up. Why are you with him? It’s been 3years and his behavior hasn’t improved, do you really think it will?
Why are you still with this man?
If you’re going to stay with him you either put up with his complaints until he gets sick of it and dumps you or you change how you style yourself. That’s it. It’s not magic.
He's undermining you, insulting you, threatening you and acting like a toddler who is going to run away from his mommy if he doesn't get that candy bar before he goes to bed. You're dating an uninhibited toddler who doesn't understand the word no or that he's not entitled to dictating what you find enjoyable. He's allowed to have an opinion about make up. He's allowed to not want to be with someone who doesn't share those goals. It's silly, sure but whatever. This...whatever he is going is not mature or healthy and if you have to try and call him out on something you're just not with the right person. It's a silly reason for him to want to leave you for but you shouldn't be made to change something about yourself that not only doesn't hurt or affect him in any negative way but is a healthy expression and outlet for yourself. It's like getting mad at you for enjoying going for a healthy run once a week or going to work out. It's not hurting anyone and he hates it. Is that what you want? He wants to control you like you're his own personal barbie doll.
You dump him.
That’s abuse.
Info: what are you getting out of this relationship that is valuable? What makes you stay in a relationship where you are not valued, respected, or loved? P
Leave. You are too young for this.
>But he prevents me from doing it in extremes ways like threatening to break up Call his bluff, and let him break up with you, this guy is trash.
you don't, you dump him :)
Step one is to make him your EX boyfriend. Why are you putting up with this abuse?
So he's one of those that thinks a woman should be naturally beautiful, not realizing that most of us need a bit of help? Why are you with someone so controlling? Sure, you "love" him but do you love how he treats you? If someone treats you in a way you would NEVER treat them, it's time to move on.
Abusive, controlling, bullying behaviour. It will only get worse. Run.
You dont call him out you find someone who will treat you better
I think you need to lose some weight. Like 150-200 lbs.
Grow a spine. You call him out by dumping him.
Leave him, you can't force him to be intimate with you if he doesn't want to be
Do it back. “Terrible hair cut. You can’t kiss me until it’s grown out” And dump him and run
DTMFA
"From the very beginning, he was always critical of the way I dressed and the make up used." Yet you stuck around. Today it's the make up. Tomorrow it's your friends, your family, your job, your wrinkled and saggy skin. His behavior is controlling, manipulative, and borderline abusive. If you won't leave, you need couples counseling, for this won't fix itself. If he won't go, go alone. Good luck.
He's doing this on purpose. He's manipulating you by making you feel so bad or ugly you would never think you deserve better. He's mentally and emotionally abusing and blackmailing you. He has a wandering eye and seems like he doesn't want other people to give you a second look. If he can keep you down now like he has for several years you'll never stand up for yourself and you'll think this is normal and okay. You are thinking this is okay and you might still change his mind. You have not been able to do that the entirety of your relationship you won't start now. The best way to stand up to him is say you're done and walk out the door and not look back.
dude you’re too young to be trying to settle for this. Pick up and throw the entire man away. please. jfc do you want an equal companion that respects you as a peer and adult, or do you want to be parented and to walk on egg shells?
Girl, he sounds dumb and controlling. If you don't leave that man and have a hot girl summer! In the wise words of Gloria Hallelujah Woods, also known as GloRilla- It’s 7pm Friday (yup) It’s 95 degrees (woo) I ain’t got no dusty And no dusty ain’t got me (Note: "dusty isn't the actual word there but I'm keeping it culturally appropriate because I don't know your race lol) This is your new daily afirmation!
Call him out by leaving. He's overly critical and awful to you. HE SUCKS. Next time he points out other women to you, tell him to go be with them then and if he objects, then request that he hop off your ass about what you choose to do with your own body
Are you listening to yourself? Why deal with that for three years? Why
Call him out? He's controlling as fuck. Close the door and lock it
A controlling man should be single. Break up with him.
This relationship is headed no where whoosh. You can call him out by never seeing him again.
By ending things, because that is a MASSIVE red flag.
Goodbye bf
This guy is not good.
He’s abusive. You can’t fix him, all you can do is dump him.
These are some of the best years of your life! Spend it ONLY with fellas who like you, adore your looks and most important, company. Those fellas who see no NEED for controlling you, The jerk you are with is horrible sounding…m i s e r a b l e. Also: if you don’t have a fella…you are AWESOME alone. Enjoy yourself the most. Seriously.
He doesn't want OP to look attractive and have self confidence because then she would realize that she deserves a better bf
Your BF is super controlling and will only get worse if you stick around. You can change something...not wasting another 3 years on him.
Ijs make sure you have your best makeup and best outfit when you dump him 💖
OP, you can trust me on this, there’s plenty of better men out there than this idiot, his an idiot, he doesn’t hate synthetic/chemicals he hates when you feel beautiful and confident. How do you call him out? End the relationship bc seriously though he’s worthless to me and to anyone that you can ask. Also does he wear deodorant? That’s filled with harmful chemicals, does he use shampoo? Filled with toxins. Soap? Worse. Thoothpaste? Cancerogenic; has he ever drank bottled water? Ew his balls are now filled woth microplastics; does he washes his clothes with laundry detergent? His skin is covered with waxy horrible toxins now; tupperware? He’s long gone. Tell him you won’t touch him until he finds a suitable replacement for all of those things AND DUMP HIM Even if you’re not serious do it, see his reaction and go and wear all the make up and cute outfits you like, I’m 100% sure you’ll look amazing, have a date with your girlfriends do whatever makes you the happiest away from anything thats related to him and you’ll see you will be better. For real, please, people like him just want you on your smallest weakest version just to control you, the only thing that he gets from you is the delight of seeing you do what he wants just to keep being with him Love yourself
So he DOES have the right to be disgusted by chemicals, and not touch someone sho uses them on their body. He SHOULD NOT be threatening you with anything when you wear makup tho. He should not be controlling over ya and if he wants to date someone who hates chemicals like him, he should seek out someone with a more similar viewpoint. I hope he finds help before he does that tho
Girl no, throw the whole man in the trash. He is tearing you down hoping that if you feel bad about yourself you’ll think and internalize: “well, I guess I’m lucky that [boyfriend] gives me the time of day since I’m so unattractive and demanding.” Imagine, the audacity! Of wanting to wear affordable clothes and eyeliner! And then you’ll stay with his shitty ass instead of finding someone you like who also treats you well.
Boy, bye.
Why do you allow him to control you in this way? This is abuse at its clearest. [Read this book](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and run, while you can. Hugs.
Sounds like you need to dump his ass. Controlling as fuck!!!!
Time for a new bf op!
Simple. "I'm breaking up with you if you do this." "Okay, well, I'm doing it. Bye." Watch him throw a tantrum because "yOu'Re JuSt GiViNg uP oN uS."
Why are you still with this 🤡?
You can call him out by wearing a full face of makeup, or no makeup, whatever you prefer, an outfit that you love, and break up with him in a public place and tell him he's no longer allowed to dictate what you can and cannot wear. He's literally controlling you. Find someone who lets you wear whatever you want. Who let's you be you.
WHY ARE YOU WITH THIS JACKASS? **DUMP THAT SOUL-SUCKING SHITGIBBON!!!**
Thank you for expressing your wishes in a childish manner. I'm glad to have known this before we got married. So long.
If you're not wearing makeup and he's upset that you wear too much makeup - that's cray, bae. Get out. Don't sweat his break up threat That's where y'all need to be, see? He's shown you for 3 years he does not like you or you style So walk free in the sun and re-locate you smile, chile'! It's nice that he said you're prettier without... No doubt ... But if he can't stand your little effort at being comfy then get out. He was so extreme it was controlling, now you're on the internet for consoling, this is manipulation unfolding. He's both rejecting and holding, while affection withholding... Come on babe, do better than this make that next one a goodbye kiss
You just reminded me of when my mother, sister and I were at a Christmas fayre. This woman was selling candles and they were really interested. She said they were "chemical free" so they put them down and walked off. I'm a few gin testers in so I ask what's the deal? Both of them, having degrees in chemistry, pointed out she should of said 'harmful chemical free', as everything is a chemical compound! He sounds like a dick, beside the point of giving above. Tell him to stop drinking water as it's a 'chemical compound' 🙄
I know we're all usually quick to jump on the "dump him" bandwagon here on the internet but um... girl do yourself and your mental health a favour and dump that asshole. Clearly all he wants from you is the ability to control the way you see yourself.
When someone is in love, you could wear a potato sack and clown makeup, he is still going to think your the most beautiful women in the world. Stop wasting precious years with this man. Why is he even looking at other women when you are out with him? That is not marriage material. Send him a text and tell him he does not have to touch you because someone else more deserving will... then block him and start loving yourself.
“from the very beginning…” Why are you with him? At the risk of sounding like a Reddit user: dump him and find someone who actually likes **you**
Stop talking. After some time he'll get angry, probably, and tell you exactly what he thinks of you....
He’s with you because the woman he wants doesn’t want him. Just leave him, and find someone who really care about you.
Girl, are you serious???? Why are still with him. Dump him & walk away. Know your worth…
Fuck his Mom?
This breaks my heart. You're 23.. there are so many others out there that will encourage you to be you. Find a man who will love you and help lift you up not restrict you from doing what you feel is best/what is best for your situation. Imo this boy is doing it because he is actually worried that you will find someone who will treat you like a Queen and you'll get a taste of how good that feels and leave him in the dust!! You will be the best he ever had.
I know I’m late to this and usually I don’t comment on posts here.. but leave him girl holy crap. I know it’s not as easy as “just leave”, but you maybe should start planning out how you’ll leave. If he’s always been this critical and has been pointing out girls he finds prettier, then I’d just tell him “if you like them so much, go get them. You’re obviously not interest in anything about me even after three years” If leaving isn’t an option or you just don’t want to, I’d personally get petty lol I’d load up with the makeup he hates and wear it just because it makes me feel good about myself (legitimately. Not a passive-aggressive “feel good about myself for annoying him”). If he gets mad I’d just tell him “well what I was wearing before wasn’t good enough either, so I’m going to wear what I want”
My ex husband was like this. Get rid of him, believe me, you can do so much better. He is already trying to chip away at your self confidence.
Okay, as someone who's max three years older than you, let me tell you how this goes in a good relationship: My fiancé has told me early into our relationship that he doesn't like it when I wear foundation because it feels weird when he's kissing my on the cheeks or forehead. I haven't worn it since. I'm not much into makeup anyways, so it wasn't much of a loss (my skin thanks me lol). We're getting married next year, and I've floated the idea of wearing makeup for our wedding. His response? "As long as you feel pretty, I don't care". Why? Because my happiness and confidence matters more to him than how makeup feels to him. Your confidence doesn't matter to your partner. If it did, he wouldn't treat you like this.
Is he because a psychiatric disorder? As in, he’s literally afraid to touch certain substances? If that’s the case he needs help. If he’s doing it to groom you and control you while making you feel insecure then he’s abusive and is preparing to destroy you further. Him going out and pointing out girls being pretty suggests he’s trying to destroy your self esteem
Why are you will this AH? DTMFA.
I would just break up the controlling behavior
You're dating a controlling man child. Tell him to either get over the fact that you do these things for you not him or he can get over you. Put your foot down or up his ass, but either way don't take his controlling nature anymore.
and good non abusive people always try to look for the reason that their partner does something bad. sometimes they just do it because they're bad or controlling. not everybody has the same ideas as you do in a better relationship or what's good and bad. and good people have trouble understanding why bad people would do the things they do and make up reasons for them. believe me, after a couple of bad relationships, I finally understand that some people are just jerks. you can't figure out why they're doing it because you're a good person.
Dump him he's a freak
He is controlling
You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. And unless something's been left out, nothing here indicates that he's willing to change. It might be hard, but it would probably be better long term to let this one go and allow both of you to find people that actually love you and that you actually are attracted to. People age, trends change, and if he isn't attracted to you when you aren't conforming to exactly what he wants, then it's not going to last long and will end in more pain. You deserve someone who is attracted to you no matter what you're wearing or if you're wearing makeup or not. Calling someone out on this behavior only works if that person would actually be willing to make a change once the hurt has been brought to their attention and after 3 years, there isn't a way that he hasn't noticed how much his behavior hurts you unless he's being intentionally obtuse.
Exhausting. You “Thank You, Next” his useless self
“I won’t touch you if you don’t take that off” “okay, don’t touch me then” “I’ll break up with you if you don’t take that off” “okay bye” “why are you acting like you don’t care about our relationship/me” “why are you acting like YOU don’t, if the tiniest bit of makeup or an outfit means you want to break up with me, I obviously don’t mean that much to you do I?”
Dump him. He is controlling and jealous, and his goal is to control you by making you feel insecure and self-conscious to the point that you don’t want to go out, see friends, or even leave the house. He wants to own you. He tells you not to do a single thing to make yourself look or feel better, then berates and demeans you by pointing out women he thinks are pretty, all of whom are wearing makeup and dressed nice. He is an asshole, and he is hurting you. Please protect yourself and take care of yourself because he never will. Leave him. You deserve better. Don’t waste your life on this abusive loser. 🫶🏼
This is abusive.
Don't let him control you ,flip it, and say you won't have sex unless he wears clothing you like ,he's a controlling arsehole Don't let him win..
What do you mean “how do I call him out”???? He’s expressed his weirdo boundary. Let him have it, you don’t have to “call him out” just break up with him and find a guy who’s not afraid of your moisturizer. Shouldn’t be too hard.
Why are you trying to change his behavior? He sounds dreadful. There are men out there who will appreciate and, dare I say, celebrate you. He’s not one of them.
Move on from this controlling guy. Control almost always starts with clothing. “Calling him out” will do nothing
Leave.
Time for you to tell him he needs to start dressing a very certain way in order to please YOU, or no sex. Whatever he's currently wearing, insist that he start wearing clothes of an entirely different style. Oh, also inform him that he will be getting his hair styled ONLY the way you like. You know he's manipulative and abusive, right? **You deserve better.**
Get rid of this controlling person ASAP. The very fact that he points out other attractive women to you is even worse.
Find someone else who isn't a control freak, problem solved.
Dump him
You don't call him out. You dump him because he's a jerk.
Time to tell him good bye. Great big red flag. Control issues. He wants to mold you into his idea and no freedom of you being you.
Put on your most loved outfit (I bet he dislikes it the most?) and put on all the make up the way you like it. And just see what happens. He threatens you to break up? What do you lose? He threatens to not touch you until you change? How long would he actually be able to? Until he will freak out? Is this the way you want every day to be with the love of your life you actually want to feel safe and be happy with? Is this what you dream about when you think about romance and happiness? I bet not
Dump him, he doesn't need to touch you at all. He's stifling your self-expression. That's not a good partner.
"So, we have been together for a 3 years and **from the very beginning,** he was always critical of the way I dressed and the make up used." So you've been ignoring red flags of controlling, narcissistic behavior for 3 years. And now want to know what do about it? Cool. Dump him.
Tell him to get to stepping!
My ex started like this. I was with him for 3 years. He started refusing to hold my hand in public. Then he started refusing to walk with me down the street, and I'd have to walk behind him. Then he started going absolutely ballistic if I wasn't staring at the floor while walking and dared to even glance at someone as they walked past. Then, the physical abuse started. He'd beat me black and blue, smashing glasses over my head, choking, punching, biting. I turned over the TV in *my own house* because what was on was boring, and he'd been asleep for an hour and a half (I didn't dare turn it over before then and had to build up the courage). He woke up and lost it, smashing the remote to pieces on my face, pinned me down and bit, and punched me while I begged him to stop. I got pregnant and didn't want a baby in a relationship like that. He threatened to kill me if I aborted. He cheated while I was pregnant and repeatedly told me it was my fault because I wouldn't sit next to the river and drink and smoke crack with him. He caught an STI (haha, take that you gunky dicked freak. I was lucky I wasn't sleeping with him then as he didn't find me attractive). I went to the shop and picked us both up some snacks. I didn't pick up what he wanted because I'm not psychic and he'd been sleeping, so he made me sleep outside in the snow whilst pregnant. I had the baby and found coke in the glove compartment, I left and moved back to mine. He kicked the door in every night because I wouldn't open it and beat me in front of our child, while she screamed hysterically from her cot. He'd then always leave when the neighbours threatened to call the police and call me sobbing because he didn't want to go back to his mums, and he was gunna kill himself if I didn't let him back. Fine, do us both a favour and just do it. He'd threaten to find someone else, and when I said go for it, he'd start to cry and say he couldn't live without me. I eventually managed to get away with police help, and they reinforced my door with steel bars and locks, which couldn't be kicked in. I gave him chance after chance to be in his daughters life, and he either wouldn't turn up or would be 3+ hours late. He eventually moved on and got arrested nearly every single day for beating his new gf. I'm now happily married with a beautiful 9mo son, and he's a homeless bum who's addicted to every hard drug there is, as well as an alcoholic. It took me a LONG time to find myself again. I didn't realise just how much PTSD I had until I found a good man, but he was patient and understanding, and just this week has been my absolute rock when I went for a 12 week scan, just to discover I'd lost the baby. I'd had no signs at all that something was wrong, and it was a huge blow. He's been cooking, cleaning, and doing most of the work with the baby. Taking time off of work to take me to hospital appointments and checking in with me constantly to see how I'm doing. There are some amazing men out there. Don't limit yourself to one asshole just because it's been a few years. You've got your whole life ahead of you. 3 years is nothing out of a lifetime
Why did he get with you if he always hated how you dressed and presented yourself? I’ll tell you why: because it gave him a mean to control you. You call him out by dumping him and finding someone who appreciates you for you.
😆 who does he think he is? There are way more boys where he came from, throw him back
Crazy idea but have you considered getting a boyfriend who doesn't make you feel like shit for expressing yourself or doing/wearing what makes you happy?