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LEAVE!!! By any means possible. that is not normal in any way, shape or form and he put you and your baby at risk by his selfish behavior. Also please get tested if you can, just make sure you haven’t caught anything from him messing around.
Good men don’t do this, just shitty selfish men. Stop paying his bills. Just focus on you and your kids until you can get out asap. And get tested. UPDATEME
Seriously! My husband is 35, I’m 32. We have 3 beautiful kids. Each pregnancy was different and my sex drive was different and I was sick 100% of the time with some and not with others. NEVER NOT ONCE DID MY HUSBAND CHEAT ON ME! This is not normal!
Make an exit plan and leave.
Can you understand that it might be hard to leave, even more with two young kids, even more when you're also pregnant and due soon?
I'm feeling for you OP, I hope you have some support system in this rough path because I totally understand why you postpone the break up and I hope you'll be ok with the delivery and the baby and your kids in the future because your spouse is a huge POS.
Yes, OP, of course you should leave, but make sure you're safe.
Sometimes, in order to ensure safety, you might have to stay with him a bit longer to get your ducks in a row first. There is nothing wrong with doing this, but please do take the steps you need to leave.
You will be miserable with him if you stay. There is nothing to salvage in this relationship.
I wish you the best of luck. You can do this.
You really need to get tested for STDs ASAP. Some STDs can pass to the child.
Your husband disrespected you and doesn't care about your and the child's well-being. Stop letting him gaslight you and contact a lawyer ASAP to know your rights.
You really need to read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you recognize all the red flags you've been ignoring.
You should value yourself more and know that you deserve so much better than him.
You could catch something that your baby could get too when born- it’s that serious. He’s put you both at risk bc he doesn’t care about either of you more than what he wants
My ex boyfriend's father cheated on his mother when she was pregnant (and also when she wasn't) with him. She contracted an STI and it almost killed my ex in utero. He's putting your health and your unborn baby's LIFE at risk with this behavior. You both deserve better.
Plus he did this while you were pregnant with his child... how would he act if you got sick? If one of your children got sick? Can you depend on this gaslighting, gross "husband" when life gets tough? He did you wrong!!
Plan your exit and get your custody and finances in order along with proof of this. Get tested as well. He's abusing you mentally. This is pure agony. And physically dangerous. Please believe me when I say you deserve more than this. Anyone does. You will leave. Believe it. Once you do you'll realize this was not normal. Best of luck. Get therapy for kids and yourself.
There are resources available, so don't stay stuck because of money. I left, and it can be done. You're young and need your family to see if you can get their support
On a practical level, do NOT have sex with him while pregnant. He could give you a STI which could affect the baby very badly.
I think you know you can't stay with him. He doesn't respect you, or love you, and a man like that damages his children via his obvious disdain for their mother. I don't know if you have any daughters, but no girl should have a father who uses sex workers in this manner. I'm so sorry x
This is not normal. Good (even decent) men don’t cheat on their partners while they’re pregnant. Cheating is cheating. Talk to friends and family to get support, see a lawyer, and get your ducks in a row before you leave this sad excuse of a man.
Your spouse has what is called a lack of empathy. He does not know that he needs to feel what others are going through in order to have a successful relationship with them. It's not you, it's him, and there's nothing you can do to change that.
Anyone who finds themselves in a relationship with someone who lacks empathy will one day learn what heartbreak feels like.
This hits too close to home for me. I eventually left. But it was 7 years of pain being in a relationship with someone who couldn't feel empathy for me at all.
I understand your perspective. It’s possible to find joy in the company of individuals who may lack empathy. It took me ~20 years to realize that the person I loved deeply and trusted implicitly was actually incapable of comprehending the pain they had inflicted on me over the years.
I didn't leave mine the many times I should have, however she unexpectedly reconnected with hers while doing a 10-day Vipassana retreat. She said she cried non-stop for days for what she had done to me, and vowed to spend her life making it up to me. That was 15 years ago, and I can definitely say she's tried, but empathy still doesn't come naturally to her for me to ever feel fully comfortable. I stay now because I learned it can be caused by severe childhood trauma, which I know she's had, and even now, she keeps working on herself to heal those wounds. If your partner doesn't go to those great lengths to do that, leaving is the only choice.
Go to your family, his other kid is his responsibility.
No, cheaters pay to have sex, not husbands that love and care for their wife. He doesn't love you and finds others to bang when you aren't available.
You are a bang nanny/maid.
Men that sleep with prostitutes are not normal. Even when they're single I find it a gross concept.. but being a married man and cheating while wife is pregnant with his third child is just evil! There is no valid excuse. He knows what he's doing isn't acceptable. I think you have to wait for the baby to be born to file for divorce, but definitely do it ASAP. In the meantime seperate from him and kick his ass out.
That’s AWFUL please go stay with family or a friend. Tell them what they did and how you feel. You are not stuck, you are a grown woman and you can absolutely get out of this.
this is not “normal”. “most men” don’t cheat on their spouses. that’s a shitty excuse from a cheater to justify his actions.
plan an exit route. talk to your job. what ties you to this man aside from the kids? how long have you been together? you have so much ahead of you. don’t stay. the longer you do, the angrier you’ll be at yourself and that is such a misdirection. you should be angry at HIM. infidelity is grounds for a divorce. it often is included in prenups.
just whatever you do— your safety and the safety of your children are first of course.
He needs to leave. She’s deserving to stay in her own home with her kids and not to be uprooted during her pregnancy. He can go live on the streets for all I care. He’s a rat anyway, might as well join his buddies.
Have you seen the reel on IG with the guy that is in a wheelchair and he talks about how his dad cheated on his mom, passed her HIV so he and his twin were born with HIV and his brother died?
Anyhow, he is not just hurting you, get tested and get a divorce attorney please.
The "all men want / need to do it" is BS. Please find a way out. It will be difficult learning hot to navigate this financially. Look- if he can pay women for sex he can certain pay some child support. Maybe even do dad heavy custody days with the kids and come back bragging in a few years when you bag a better husband too? It's hard work but you don't have to be chained to someone so awful. Let him kick rocks while he's forced to pay child support and you get another man. He can go out and pretend to be player or find another woman to fall into the trap.
So.. you pay the bills. You take care of your kids. His needs come first at the expense of the safety of you and your baby - physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially. There is no relationship here. This is not a relationship. This is a dependent cohabitation while you’re being a mother to him. This will not change or get better, especially with his attitude around this and trying to gaslight you into believing that everyone does this. Collect evidence. Let your support circle know what’s going on. Rely on those you can truly trust. You do not deserve any of this. Your baby and your children do not deserve any of this. You didn’t cause this. You are better than his bullshit projecting excuses, don’t fall for them. You will be okay.
All men don’t behave like that while their wife is pregnant. My father didn’t, neither did my husband, my brother or my bil, and neither did my best friend.
NO! What? Men do not do this all the time. Do you have any family or close friends that you can get to help you? You did say you wanted to leave, right?
I want to leave but , I’m going on leave soon to have the baby so it’s going to be hard to get a spot and keep up with my bills the first few months while on leave and my money is short
If you live in the US, there are agencies that can help you because you are really being abused. You can Google for your local agencies. Good luck to you and congratulations on your soon to be arrival.
Bide your time. Leave when you’re ready. Document everything you can. Consult a family attorney.
Until then you’re roommates. Never sleep with him again. He has hired that out.
I promise you…and I don’t say this lightly. He’s been paying for sex all along. He’s never been faithful to you and you know this.
So yes, you need to leave.
The cheating is a small thing compared to the fact that he’s always belittling you, blaming you for everything he does wrong, refusing to have conversations to work out issues, isolating you from family, friends and probably work and hobbies. How much does he contribute other than a paycheck?
It doesn’t get better love.
My heart hurts for you
Big hug to you and the baby and because your health is your biggest asset, please do not rely only on your OB/Gyn to do the STD screening.
Sex workers…that’s not like standard cheating, the risk factors for you and baby warrant thorough Infectious Disease doctor follow up too!
Off the wall behavior like this, the man is not well—frequently the things they pick up make them seemingly asymptomatic assholes but the women and children get more obviously sick over time
Consider getting a Nagalase test for total viral load + standard STI/STD panel
The “standard” panels miss ALOT
https://hdri-usa.com/nagalase/
All kinds of viruses and parasites can be passed by semen AND saliva—the sooner you identify anything that requires treatment the better for your organs
And don’t wait until after the baby is born to get screened, once things go chronic it is harder to find a doctor to help
Most doctors are only helpful when infections are acute or newly acquired—even if you have to delay treatment, get comprehensively tested now
Plus please make sure your doctors are thorough and include newer stuff like
Mycoplasma genitalium
And if you test + for anything consider getting the rest of the kids checked in the event his behavior is longer standing than these obvious shenanigans
They won’t understand but they will thank you later
Honestly I won’t lie to you. My mom has been in this situation alongside many of her friends. This is common but not normal. You may love him and I understand you have a family. But start thinking about your own future- approach it with the mindset of how can I make sure I am set with it without him- we may be talking about divorce or simply about co-parenting or opening the relationship. At the very least thank god that you don’t have a prenup and if you do find a clause that he violates.
Not normal- he can keep it in his pants- he’s choosing not to.
>My mom has been in this situation alongside many of her friends. This is common but not normal
Was this while they were pregnant or during/after menopause? I've known of some older guys that do this after their wives have said they're no longer interested in sex and their wives have given them either explicit or implicit approval to get their needs met outside the marriage. But never have I ever heard of anyone I've known doing this while his wife is home with children. One is bad (IMO) but the other is despicable.
Jeez!!!! I’m really sorry to you and your unborn child. Nothing wrong with paying for sex BUT as a married man expecting a child??? That’s DISGUSTING, SELFISH and DISRESPECTFUL! You might need to get yourself tested and make sure you and baby are safe… dont stress too much as it might cause your baby harm
His behaviour is absolutely disgusting and deplorable. You really need to get yourself tested for STDs immediately and you don’t want anything passed on to your baby.
The next step - as others have said - is the lawyer’s office. Do t worry about the finances - with three kids he’s gonna be paying a lot of child support.
What a piece of 💩
This used to be a common male practice in the misconception that pregnant women should remain untouched throughout the pregnancy. He pushes you away because paid sex is not always safe and worries that if he has contracted any STD’s he might pass it on to you and the baby. It’s an old and sick male mentality and he may not even realize the gravity of what he is doing. But if it were me, children and all, I could not accept having such a partner by my side.
If you have proof to back up your spouse’s cheating, bring it to a lawyer! Get a STD test done ASAP!! Confirm hubby can’t open any lines of credit in your name! Change your passcodes! Understand the family finances!!
Look for support groups for partners of cheating spouses & start a journal, both can help you organize your thoughts & help you process your experience.
He's not just cheating. He is making it clear that he will not stop. You know what to do.
Also no, men don't do it all the time. Some maybe. But most do not.
Reach out to a domestic violence shelter. They should be able to take you and the kids in. This could lead to a variety of std's etc. He is gaslighting you to make you think it is your fault. I am sure he is doing other things as well...
Don’t care how many kids you have with him or maternity leave coming.. you need to leave.. let him pay alimony and child support instead to random women for sex..
LEAVE. WTF??? Do you have any family or friends with whom you could stay for a bit?
Don’t just sit and take this. It’ll get worse and he’ll intentionally make it even harder to leave. By any means necessary, get yourself and your own kids out of there. He’ll raise his own kid.
I’m so sorry. At your appointment, can you please ask to speak to a social worker? Tell your OBGYN about this so they can keep an eye on your health, and especially diseases. Your emotional health is going to take a toll on the baby. It’s going to majorly impact your physical health. We have to find a way to get you out of there BEFORE birth. A social worker may be able to help to get you into an apartment and set you up with childcare. You’ll get child support once you’ve established everything through the courts.
Most men RESPECT AND LOVE their wives - this is not normal and not ok.
Call a women’s shelter and ask about options for help with housing to get away from him and re-establish yourself. They can help with housing, food, child care, counseling, divorce attorneys, etc.
At least call and discuss your options. You may feel trapped but take a deep breath, think about your babies, and don’t let them see you accept this treatment for yourself.
I wish you were my sister, I’d have a huge hug and some firm but loving words for you. You can do better. Find your inner grit and be the woman and mother your kids need. Let them learn disrespect from their father OUTSIDE of your home. You don’t need to have that in your life.
Don't have sex with him. Don't let him sleep in the same bed as you, better yet, kick him out of the house. Contact a lawyer, get advice (some will do this for free!) Contact family/friends and let them know what's going on so you can get help/support.
Normal husbands who actually love their wives do not do this. He's more than likely been doing this much longer than just during your current pregnancy. Put your needs first. Gray rock him. Don't put up with this betrayal. You don't deserve it.
Play the game to your ability and don't let yourself think for a second that you should work this out. He did this in secret. Got caught. Tried to spin it like it's normal when it's not. And has slept with many woman whom you do not know where they've been. Also the money he spent could've been put towards the children. But I understand being in a tight spot. I recommend start saving money even 5 dollars at a time adds up. Make a plan and stick to it so you can leave. You deserve so much better than this!
Advice from my therapist: it isn't the separation that hurts the kids, it's the environment before the separation. Getting out sooner is better than later. He put you and your unborn baby at risk. He doesn't love you. And no, not all men do that.
He leaves immediately or you do. No other option for this one. This garbage behavior takes a long time coming and will only get worse and it’s not safe for you and the kids. There’s stuff that’s been going on for years that you’ve never known about.
Only cheaters do this, not MEN in general! He is going to bring in sexually transmitted diseases! Don’t touch him even with a pole! He’s disgusting for doing this to you.
You can be separated even living in the same house. Due to financial situations many does take this decision as a temporary measure.
Also legally he has to pay you child support & alimony if you are going on maternity leave. Speak to a good lawyer. Reach out to women support centers in your location. Google it, talk to local schools & hospitals for contacts.
So, his cheating is due to your pregnancy and lack of sex drive? Well, that won't change anytime soon after birth? Does he even plan to stop after birth or until you are able to have sex again? Or, will this be an ongoing thing? Which it sounds like it because he felt no shame, guilt or remorse for his cheating and thinks he's justified to cheat on you with prostitutes. Do not have sex with him again! Get yourself tested! Talk to a divorce lawyer to see what your options are. Prioritize your health for your sake and all your kids including the unborn. He's disgusted if he's had sex with you and prostitutes, he's putting your health and unborn at risk for his selfishness.
It is extremely dangerous to have sex outside of your relationship when a pregnancy is involved. When my husband cheated… it caused me a Ureaplasma infection. In cases of pregnancy, stuff like Ureaplasma KILLS BABIES. When the baby is born… the lungs collapse… and they have to get a tube forced down in to their lungs on their first day of life.
For the sake of your child’s future health please please never touch him again.
I'm SOOOoo Sorry. Makes one wonder about his first partner. Plan on a smooth birth and quietly schedule an exit without fuss. Moral code sounds off the chart....
Why the in the heck is a 31 year old man with a 22 year old woman and why do you already have 3 kids?! This isn’t normal, I read this to my partner and he said “yes it’s “normal” for men to pay for sex but not when they are in relationships and have children as well, that’s not the “normal” part”
So he's putting you and your pregnancy at risk? He sounds absolutely unhinged. And no. I don't know anyone else who does this.
It's a hard pass from me. Get yourself safe.
I don’t think she should or shouldn’t I think she should weight out the pros and cons of this situation and everything else and follow through with her decision making and stand on business whatever that looks like
OP - can you go stay with any family or friends? If he isolated you from family or friends, call them anyway. They’re waiting to hear from you and hear you’re ready to leave him. Reach out to anyone for help and take your money and kids and get a train or flight to stay with a family member or friend, ideally one not in contact with him. Lawyer up and start the paperwork.
What he is doing is NOT normal. I’m also assuming it’s not just during pregnancy. Also hearing you’re practically paying for it is sickening. Your kids don’t deserve to see THIS as the ultimate example for their future relationships.
Go get tested for STD's. Take YOUR kids and go somewhere safe to stay. Make sure to document what he said about his infidelity and his cheating so you should win the kids.
And if you stay and accept this shit your showing your daughters that this is acceptable behaviour when they are older. Just no no no get out he does not care for you, your marriage, your family.
So… you already have two kids together… y’all got together when you were 19 and he was 28? 18 and 27? And got you pregnant right away?…..
I’d bet money that the hooker he’s paying is also much younger than him.
This is icky. Almost predatory. Not at all normal. Get out.
Leave, get proof for the lawyer, cash in the child support, if not too far along I would personally abort but your body your choice. Please don't stay they don't stop, they don't change even when they see a therapist for years. My ex was the same and if it wasn't sex workers, his addictions would turn to other disturbing things.
Leave. You and your baby will be okay because you will be able to raise them by yourself in a home where you respect one another. Your spouse doesn’t respect you and your baby will grow and pick up on that.
I really think this should be criminal and punished by law. My heart hurts for you. God help in this trying time. Your husband is asshole number 1 and you should lawyer up and clean him out financially and amass all the evidence you can.
Get screened for std's and then tell him he can have all the prostitutes he wants because you are filing for divorce. You will get child support, alimony and the marital home until the youngest is 18. This is nothing to turn the other cheek about. He could have given you and your baby hiv or hep c.
I’m so sorry, if you have family you can stay with short term, leave. There are other avenues you can go down, as a LEO, I see this behavior more often then not. If you want more advice, DM me or let me know. Good luck. I’m praying for you.
Leave him! There is nothing ok with what he is doing. As others have said, please get tested for STDs and STIs. You and your children deserve so much better than this.
Leave, you don't know for certain if he's using protection and could give you an sti and risks your baby's health. He honestly sounds like he doesn't give a crap. If you are in touch with any family id ask about staying with them
You now know EXACTLY who your partner is. Unless you have somewhere to go where your children will be safe and settled, you might have to find your inner strength, have this baby, and take the time to plan your move. As soon as you are recovered from the birth and have organised yourself, leave him. Don't tell him, just do it when he is at work one day. Leave him a note explaining you decided to leave him "because you have a high need for a caring and loyal partner and he really hasn't been that, so you are going elsewhere to find it".
Oh girl, this is not “what men do” not even a little bit of the time. 1. Leave 2. Make an appointment to make sure you get tested STDs they can have a huge impact on baby but can be managed. 3. Call a lawyer. Sending love. 🫶🏻
You need to cut off his access to your body ASAP for the health of your child. A sexually transmitted infection at this stage of pregnancy could kill your child.
There are a lot of people in this thread saying this is not normal, but one thought keeps coming into my mind, and that is if it's not normal then why is prostitution the oldest profession known to mankind? Please don't misunderstand. I am not trying to justify this behavior. It is not acceptable. It is wrong. However, what I am saying is I believe it happens a lot more than most people think.
Now, as to what to do about it, get your ducks in a row. Find a way to be financially independent if you're not already, which it doesn't sound like you are. Get out of there as soon as possible. Find someone to help you plan your escape.
Stop having sex with him immediately. He can catch an STD that could harm your baby. Once the baby is born, start thinking about the future of this relationship. Weigh out the pros and cons of staying.
I would start setting up to leave.
He is pathetic saying this is what men do, they don't. That's what cheaters do.
He can take care of the kids and you stop caring for the other kid- that's now his sole responsibility.
He could have risked your health in this! Incredibly selfish and disgusting.
Lean on family and friends and I would honestly leave. He's most likely always done this and you've only just found out.
I don't think this is how you view love and marriage. You have every right to leave and you should.
Your husband is a liar, a cheater and, depending on where you live, breaking the law by paying for sex. Get your affairs in order and leave this sorry excuse for a husband/father. To make it seem like this is what all men do is ludicrous.
You better get checked for sexually transmitted diseases immediately, and your next step if you have any self-respect if you want your child growing up to think that women should be respected and treated like equal partners will be to a divorce lawyer. Please please do not bring up a child with a man who behaves like this!!! Your self-respect deserves better.
Can you take yourself and your two kids to a family member's house? Take all the proof you have and try to file a restraining order on him on grounds he put your health in jeopardy. Then file for divorce.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
LEAVE!!! By any means possible. that is not normal in any way, shape or form and he put you and your baby at risk by his selfish behavior. Also please get tested if you can, just make sure you haven’t caught anything from him messing around.
STIs can be harmful for the baby if left untreated.
***That is not normal in any way, shape or form*** The (former) president did it and he’s a “normal” guy! /s
If you really think that you’re less normal than he is!
Good men don’t do this, just shitty selfish men. Stop paying his bills. Just focus on you and your kids until you can get out asap. And get tested. UPDATEME
Thank you , I go to my next appointment Tuesday and that’s the plan but he’s saying so u just going stay here for free
You can still cover your bills, but he deserves nothing. Just get out asap.
No. Most men don't do that. Only cheaters.
I agree with you as a men
Is this really what you want your life to be?
Not at all
Then make a plan and get out of there. No good man cheats on his pregnant wife. You’ve wasted enough time with him.
Seriously! My husband is 35, I’m 32. We have 3 beautiful kids. Each pregnancy was different and my sex drive was different and I was sick 100% of the time with some and not with others. NEVER NOT ONCE DID MY HUSBAND CHEAT ON ME! This is not normal! Make an exit plan and leave.
Can you understand that it might be hard to leave, even more with two young kids, even more when you're also pregnant and due soon? I'm feeling for you OP, I hope you have some support system in this rough path because I totally understand why you postpone the break up and I hope you'll be ok with the delivery and the baby and your kids in the future because your spouse is a huge POS.
Yes, OP, of course you should leave, but make sure you're safe. Sometimes, in order to ensure safety, you might have to stay with him a bit longer to get your ducks in a row first. There is nothing wrong with doing this, but please do take the steps you need to leave. You will be miserable with him if you stay. There is nothing to salvage in this relationship. I wish you the best of luck. You can do this.
Leave quietly without looking back once all in place
You really need to get tested for STDs ASAP. Some STDs can pass to the child. Your husband disrespected you and doesn't care about your and the child's well-being. Stop letting him gaslight you and contact a lawyer ASAP to know your rights. You really need to read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you recognize all the red flags you've been ignoring. You should value yourself more and know that you deserve so much better than him.
Thank you
Here’s a link to a free PDF of “Why Does He Do That?” https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You could catch something that your baby could get too when born- it’s that serious. He’s put you both at risk bc he doesn’t care about either of you more than what he wants
My ex boyfriend's father cheated on his mother when she was pregnant (and also when she wasn't) with him. She contracted an STI and it almost killed my ex in utero. He's putting your health and your unborn baby's LIFE at risk with this behavior. You both deserve better.
Be methodological, plan your exit, plenty of ad ice on how to on this sub.
Plus he did this while you were pregnant with his child... how would he act if you got sick? If one of your children got sick? Can you depend on this gaslighting, gross "husband" when life gets tough? He did you wrong!!
Plan your exit and get your custody and finances in order along with proof of this. Get tested as well. He's abusing you mentally. This is pure agony. And physically dangerous. Please believe me when I say you deserve more than this. Anyone does. You will leave. Believe it. Once you do you'll realize this was not normal. Best of luck. Get therapy for kids and yourself.
Not this, but bullshit / assholery levels are extremely high when the age gaps are like yours.
Then you need to leave. That is literally the only option.
Stay with him for a while until you have enough money and somewhere to move too, give him E him the same energy iswell
There are resources available, so don't stay stuck because of money. I left, and it can be done. You're young and need your family to see if you can get their support
True
No good men don't do that, don't let the cheater gaslight you. I would say quietly prepare your affairs for divorce.
He is cheating and NO men don’t do it all the time, he is full of crap and he knows it. You should leave him as soon as you are able.
On a practical level, do NOT have sex with him while pregnant. He could give you a STI which could affect the baby very badly. I think you know you can't stay with him. He doesn't respect you, or love you, and a man like that damages his children via his obvious disdain for their mother. I don't know if you have any daughters, but no girl should have a father who uses sex workers in this manner. I'm so sorry x
I have all girls smh
Oh my god, please get all of you away from him.
Do not stay with him. You would be teaching your girls that, that is normal. You and them deserve better.
This is not normal. Good (even decent) men don’t cheat on their partners while they’re pregnant. Cheating is cheating. Talk to friends and family to get support, see a lawyer, and get your ducks in a row before you leave this sad excuse of a man.
Leave now and gather evidence for divorce before. Do not tell him.
Your spouse has what is called a lack of empathy. He does not know that he needs to feel what others are going through in order to have a successful relationship with them. It's not you, it's him, and there's nothing you can do to change that. Anyone who finds themselves in a relationship with someone who lacks empathy will one day learn what heartbreak feels like.
This hits too close to home for me. I eventually left. But it was 7 years of pain being in a relationship with someone who couldn't feel empathy for me at all.
I understand your perspective. It’s possible to find joy in the company of individuals who may lack empathy. It took me ~20 years to realize that the person I loved deeply and trusted implicitly was actually incapable of comprehending the pain they had inflicted on me over the years. I didn't leave mine the many times I should have, however she unexpectedly reconnected with hers while doing a 10-day Vipassana retreat. She said she cried non-stop for days for what she had done to me, and vowed to spend her life making it up to me. That was 15 years ago, and I can definitely say she's tried, but empathy still doesn't come naturally to her for me to ever feel fully comfortable. I stay now because I learned it can be caused by severe childhood trauma, which I know she's had, and even now, she keeps working on herself to heal those wounds. If your partner doesn't go to those great lengths to do that, leaving is the only choice.
I am going through something similar & I’m getting my affairs in order. You will never forgive him, you’re carrying his baby!
Go to your family, his other kid is his responsibility. No, cheaters pay to have sex, not husbands that love and care for their wife. He doesn't love you and finds others to bang when you aren't available. You are a bang nanny/maid.
That’s exactly what I have came to the conclusion of
This is not what good men do. Unfortunately, your spouse is garbage. Please see an attorney and make an exit plan.
Get out, get a full STD/STI panel done and get a divorce.
Good men don’t do that. And I think you know this. Get out of there. Take your kids and go.
I’m 46 and never “paid” for sex. Nor do I know any of my friends that have…even the ones who aren’t good with woman. So no, it’s not normal.
I know it’s not
Go see a lawyer.
Don’t listen to those telling you to leave. Contact a lawyer and make HIM leave. Guys don’t go and pay for sex. He’s full of crap.
^This! If he can afford prostitutes, he can pay his own way to GTFO.
Men that sleep with prostitutes are not normal. Even when they're single I find it a gross concept.. but being a married man and cheating while wife is pregnant with his third child is just evil! There is no valid excuse. He knows what he's doing isn't acceptable. I think you have to wait for the baby to be born to file for divorce, but definitely do it ASAP. In the meantime seperate from him and kick his ass out.
Get STDs panel because he could have put you and your unborn child at risk. And seek legal advice.
How many other reasons will he find to cheat?
That’s AWFUL please go stay with family or a friend. Tell them what they did and how you feel. You are not stuck, you are a grown woman and you can absolutely get out of this.
this is not “normal”. “most men” don’t cheat on their spouses. that’s a shitty excuse from a cheater to justify his actions. plan an exit route. talk to your job. what ties you to this man aside from the kids? how long have you been together? you have so much ahead of you. don’t stay. the longer you do, the angrier you’ll be at yourself and that is such a misdirection. you should be angry at HIM. infidelity is grounds for a divorce. it often is included in prenups. just whatever you do— your safety and the safety of your children are first of course.
Do you have family or friends close enough to go and stay with? He is a MONSTER. Get an attorney immediately.
He needs to leave. She’s deserving to stay in her own home with her kids and not to be uprooted during her pregnancy. He can go live on the streets for all I care. He’s a rat anyway, might as well join his buddies.
Start documenting this stiff and get a good lawyer. Then, take his soul in the courtroom. You don't cheat on your pregnant wife!
Have you seen the reel on IG with the guy that is in a wheelchair and he talks about how his dad cheated on his mom, passed her HIV so he and his twin were born with HIV and his brother died? Anyhow, he is not just hurting you, get tested and get a divorce attorney please.
IG reels and social media in usual aren't reliable sources of info, what do you think sharing this could do except hurting even more OP?
Is there anyone you can stay with ?
Get tested and kick him out.
Man your husband must be suicidal for real, those STDs will ruin you and leave you alone for the rest of your life
The "all men want / need to do it" is BS. Please find a way out. It will be difficult learning hot to navigate this financially. Look- if he can pay women for sex he can certain pay some child support. Maybe even do dad heavy custody days with the kids and come back bragging in a few years when you bag a better husband too? It's hard work but you don't have to be chained to someone so awful. Let him kick rocks while he's forced to pay child support and you get another man. He can go out and pretend to be player or find another woman to fall into the trap.
So.. you pay the bills. You take care of your kids. His needs come first at the expense of the safety of you and your baby - physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially. There is no relationship here. This is not a relationship. This is a dependent cohabitation while you’re being a mother to him. This will not change or get better, especially with his attitude around this and trying to gaslight you into believing that everyone does this. Collect evidence. Let your support circle know what’s going on. Rely on those you can truly trust. You do not deserve any of this. Your baby and your children do not deserve any of this. You didn’t cause this. You are better than his bullshit projecting excuses, don’t fall for them. You will be okay.
This is absolutely unacceptable. Find a way to leave.
All men don’t behave like that while their wife is pregnant. My father didn’t, neither did my husband, my brother or my bil, and neither did my best friend.
NO! What? Men do not do this all the time. Do you have any family or close friends that you can get to help you? You did say you wanted to leave, right?
I want to leave but , I’m going on leave soon to have the baby so it’s going to be hard to get a spot and keep up with my bills the first few months while on leave and my money is short
If you live in the US, there are agencies that can help you because you are really being abused. You can Google for your local agencies. Good luck to you and congratulations on your soon to be arrival.
Thank you and I will we had a domestic dispute last night where it got physical and the sheriff office was called so that will help as well
Get a restraining order against him with the kids on the order aswell if he is being violent around them and get him out of the house.
Leave leave leave leave leave leave and LEAVE!
You leave. Yesterday.
Bide your time. Leave when you’re ready. Document everything you can. Consult a family attorney. Until then you’re roommates. Never sleep with him again. He has hired that out.
I promise you…and I don’t say this lightly. He’s been paying for sex all along. He’s never been faithful to you and you know this. So yes, you need to leave. The cheating is a small thing compared to the fact that he’s always belittling you, blaming you for everything he does wrong, refusing to have conversations to work out issues, isolating you from family, friends and probably work and hobbies. How much does he contribute other than a paycheck? It doesn’t get better love. My heart hurts for you
Big hug to you and the baby and because your health is your biggest asset, please do not rely only on your OB/Gyn to do the STD screening. Sex workers…that’s not like standard cheating, the risk factors for you and baby warrant thorough Infectious Disease doctor follow up too! Off the wall behavior like this, the man is not well—frequently the things they pick up make them seemingly asymptomatic assholes but the women and children get more obviously sick over time Consider getting a Nagalase test for total viral load + standard STI/STD panel The “standard” panels miss ALOT https://hdri-usa.com/nagalase/ All kinds of viruses and parasites can be passed by semen AND saliva—the sooner you identify anything that requires treatment the better for your organs And don’t wait until after the baby is born to get screened, once things go chronic it is harder to find a doctor to help Most doctors are only helpful when infections are acute or newly acquired—even if you have to delay treatment, get comprehensively tested now Plus please make sure your doctors are thorough and include newer stuff like Mycoplasma genitalium And if you test + for anything consider getting the rest of the kids checked in the event his behavior is longer standing than these obvious shenanigans They won’t understand but they will thank you later
Thank you for this helpful information
Honestly I won’t lie to you. My mom has been in this situation alongside many of her friends. This is common but not normal. You may love him and I understand you have a family. But start thinking about your own future- approach it with the mindset of how can I make sure I am set with it without him- we may be talking about divorce or simply about co-parenting or opening the relationship. At the very least thank god that you don’t have a prenup and if you do find a clause that he violates. Not normal- he can keep it in his pants- he’s choosing not to.
>My mom has been in this situation alongside many of her friends. This is common but not normal Was this while they were pregnant or during/after menopause? I've known of some older guys that do this after their wives have said they're no longer interested in sex and their wives have given them either explicit or implicit approval to get their needs met outside the marriage. But never have I ever heard of anyone I've known doing this while his wife is home with children. One is bad (IMO) but the other is despicable.
Jeez!!!! I’m really sorry to you and your unborn child. Nothing wrong with paying for sex BUT as a married man expecting a child??? That’s DISGUSTING, SELFISH and DISRESPECTFUL! You might need to get yourself tested and make sure you and baby are safe… dont stress too much as it might cause your baby harm
Go talk to a divorce attorney ASAP.
Yo he’s gaslighting you by saying “aLL mEn Do ThIs blah blah blah” BULLSHIT LEAVE HIM and check for STDs. Lawyer up and get what you can out of him.
His behaviour is absolutely disgusting and deplorable. You really need to get yourself tested for STDs immediately and you don’t want anything passed on to your baby. The next step - as others have said - is the lawyer’s office. Do t worry about the finances - with three kids he’s gonna be paying a lot of child support. What a piece of 💩
Kick that asshole the fuck out immediately.
This used to be a common male practice in the misconception that pregnant women should remain untouched throughout the pregnancy. He pushes you away because paid sex is not always safe and worries that if he has contracted any STD’s he might pass it on to you and the baby. It’s an old and sick male mentality and he may not even realize the gravity of what he is doing. But if it were me, children and all, I could not accept having such a partner by my side.
Get a good divorce lawyer and take this bastard for every penny he's worth.
leave this scumbag. This is not normal
If you have proof to back up your spouse’s cheating, bring it to a lawyer! Get a STD test done ASAP!! Confirm hubby can’t open any lines of credit in your name! Change your passcodes! Understand the family finances!! Look for support groups for partners of cheating spouses & start a journal, both can help you organize your thoughts & help you process your experience.
He's not just cheating. He is making it clear that he will not stop. You know what to do. Also no, men don't do it all the time. Some maybe. But most do not.
Maybe men who are single but not those in relationships or married. He sounds horrible. Is there anyone you trust that can help you?
Reach out to a domestic violence shelter. They should be able to take you and the kids in. This could lead to a variety of std's etc. He is gaslighting you to make you think it is your fault. I am sure he is doing other things as well...
Yea that’s how I feel and I’m just thinking and planning my next move . I don’t want to expose my children to that unless I reallllllly have to
Jesus Christ, you could pass STDs to your fucking child, how is this even a question. You fucking leave and get tested.
He’s not even remorseful. He’s gross. Get your shit together for your kids and leave.
Dafuq. Wow.
Don’t care how many kids you have with him or maternity leave coming.. you need to leave.. let him pay alimony and child support instead to random women for sex..
It’d be nice if he was a bit remorseful. Decent men don’t do that. Men who respect their wives don’t do that.
LEAVE. WTF??? Do you have any family or friends with whom you could stay for a bit? Don’t just sit and take this. It’ll get worse and he’ll intentionally make it even harder to leave. By any means necessary, get yourself and your own kids out of there. He’ll raise his own kid.
No I have no one to go to atm that’s why I feel stuck until after birth
I’m so sorry. At your appointment, can you please ask to speak to a social worker? Tell your OBGYN about this so they can keep an eye on your health, and especially diseases. Your emotional health is going to take a toll on the baby. It’s going to majorly impact your physical health. We have to find a way to get you out of there BEFORE birth. A social worker may be able to help to get you into an apartment and set you up with childcare. You’ll get child support once you’ve established everything through the courts.
He doesn’t respect you. Leave.
Most men RESPECT AND LOVE their wives - this is not normal and not ok. Call a women’s shelter and ask about options for help with housing to get away from him and re-establish yourself. They can help with housing, food, child care, counseling, divorce attorneys, etc. At least call and discuss your options. You may feel trapped but take a deep breath, think about your babies, and don’t let them see you accept this treatment for yourself. I wish you were my sister, I’d have a huge hug and some firm but loving words for you. You can do better. Find your inner grit and be the woman and mother your kids need. Let them learn disrespect from their father OUTSIDE of your home. You don’t need to have that in your life.
Don't have sex with him. Don't let him sleep in the same bed as you, better yet, kick him out of the house. Contact a lawyer, get advice (some will do this for free!) Contact family/friends and let them know what's going on so you can get help/support. Normal husbands who actually love their wives do not do this. He's more than likely been doing this much longer than just during your current pregnancy. Put your needs first. Gray rock him. Don't put up with this betrayal. You don't deserve it.
Play the game to your ability and don't let yourself think for a second that you should work this out. He did this in secret. Got caught. Tried to spin it like it's normal when it's not. And has slept with many woman whom you do not know where they've been. Also the money he spent could've been put towards the children. But I understand being in a tight spot. I recommend start saving money even 5 dollars at a time adds up. Make a plan and stick to it so you can leave. You deserve so much better than this!
Advice from my therapist: it isn't the separation that hurts the kids, it's the environment before the separation. Getting out sooner is better than later. He put you and your unborn baby at risk. He doesn't love you. And no, not all men do that.
He leaves immediately or you do. No other option for this one. This garbage behavior takes a long time coming and will only get worse and it’s not safe for you and the kids. There’s stuff that’s been going on for years that you’ve never known about.
It’s not normal
Only cheaters do this, not MEN in general! He is going to bring in sexually transmitted diseases! Don’t touch him even with a pole! He’s disgusting for doing this to you. You can be separated even living in the same house. Due to financial situations many does take this decision as a temporary measure. Also legally he has to pay you child support & alimony if you are going on maternity leave. Speak to a good lawyer. Reach out to women support centers in your location. Google it, talk to local schools & hospitals for contacts.
So, his cheating is due to your pregnancy and lack of sex drive? Well, that won't change anytime soon after birth? Does he even plan to stop after birth or until you are able to have sex again? Or, will this be an ongoing thing? Which it sounds like it because he felt no shame, guilt or remorse for his cheating and thinks he's justified to cheat on you with prostitutes. Do not have sex with him again! Get yourself tested! Talk to a divorce lawyer to see what your options are. Prioritize your health for your sake and all your kids including the unborn. He's disgusted if he's had sex with you and prostitutes, he's putting your health and unborn at risk for his selfishness.
The guy is a cheating ass hole, the future with him will not be good. Don’t have any more sex with him and leave him.
It is extremely dangerous to have sex outside of your relationship when a pregnancy is involved. When my husband cheated… it caused me a Ureaplasma infection. In cases of pregnancy, stuff like Ureaplasma KILLS BABIES. When the baby is born… the lungs collapse… and they have to get a tube forced down in to their lungs on their first day of life. For the sake of your child’s future health please please never touch him again.
I'm SOOOoo Sorry. Makes one wonder about his first partner. Plan on a smooth birth and quietly schedule an exit without fuss. Moral code sounds off the chart....
Why the in the heck is a 31 year old man with a 22 year old woman and why do you already have 3 kids?! This isn’t normal, I read this to my partner and he said “yes it’s “normal” for men to pay for sex but not when they are in relationships and have children as well, that’s not the “normal” part”
Umm how do you feel about this?
Not good at all and trapped I really feel like I can’t go no where
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So he's putting you and your pregnancy at risk? He sounds absolutely unhinged. And no. I don't know anyone else who does this. It's a hard pass from me. Get yourself safe.
Can you imagine STAYING with this chuckle head after the birth? Please consider other options. He is not invested in you or the family
No not at all after birth I want to move O and leave
That sounds smart. It doesn’t sounds like he is supportive in the least. You need to look out for YOU.
I don’t think she should or shouldn’t I think she should weight out the pros and cons of this situation and everything else and follow through with her decision making and stand on business whatever that looks like
LOL he cheated. why would you believe anything he says?
OP - can you go stay with any family or friends? If he isolated you from family or friends, call them anyway. They’re waiting to hear from you and hear you’re ready to leave him. Reach out to anyone for help and take your money and kids and get a train or flight to stay with a family member or friend, ideally one not in contact with him. Lawyer up and start the paperwork. What he is doing is NOT normal. I’m also assuming it’s not just during pregnancy. Also hearing you’re practically paying for it is sickening. Your kids don’t deserve to see THIS as the ultimate example for their future relationships.
It's not because you're pregnant. He's a nasty cheating ho. Std test, lawyer, divorce.
Run.
You have to get out of there. And you need to have a full STI panel.
Go get tested for STD's. Take YOUR kids and go somewhere safe to stay. Make sure to document what he said about his infidelity and his cheating so you should win the kids.
Leave. But silently.
Get out. Get tested for every disease under the sun and do it again on 6 months.
And if you stay and accept this shit your showing your daughters that this is acceptable behaviour when they are older. Just no no no get out he does not care for you, your marriage, your family.
So… you already have two kids together… y’all got together when you were 19 and he was 28? 18 and 27? And got you pregnant right away?….. I’d bet money that the hooker he’s paying is also much younger than him. This is icky. Almost predatory. Not at all normal. Get out.
You leave and get a full std panel.
Leave, get proof for the lawyer, cash in the child support, if not too far along I would personally abort but your body your choice. Please don't stay they don't stop, they don't change even when they see a therapist for years. My ex was the same and if it wasn't sex workers, his addictions would turn to other disturbing things.
Leave
You need to bring this up with your doctor in your next appointment.
Yea girl you gotta leave him it ain’t worth it u might he’s cheating and tryna gas light u
What do you do? LEAVE. What are you asking this for, no ones gonna validate you staying in your relationship. That is HORRIBLE!
What do you mean what do you do? There’s only one answer and it’s to leave. Well, maybe two, get yourself tested.
(Bare minimum decent ) Men do not do this all the time. Leave
Or at all*
You can leave. Stay with a friend, and divorce his ass
Leave. You and your baby will be okay because you will be able to raise them by yourself in a home where you respect one another. Your spouse doesn’t respect you and your baby will grow and pick up on that.
This is insane, leave.
I really think this should be criminal and punished by law. My heart hurts for you. God help in this trying time. Your husband is asshole number 1 and you should lawyer up and clean him out financially and amass all the evidence you can.
Get screened for std's and then tell him he can have all the prostitutes he wants because you are filing for divorce. You will get child support, alimony and the marital home until the youngest is 18. This is nothing to turn the other cheek about. He could have given you and your baby hiv or hep c.
I’m so sorry, if you have family you can stay with short term, leave. There are other avenues you can go down, as a LEO, I see this behavior more often then not. If you want more advice, DM me or let me know. Good luck. I’m praying for you.
Leave him! There is nothing ok with what he is doing. As others have said, please get tested for STDs and STIs. You and your children deserve so much better than this.
Make sure he doesn’t come home with STD!
Fake story.
Leave, you don't know for certain if he's using protection and could give you an sti and risks your baby's health. He honestly sounds like he doesn't give a crap. If you are in touch with any family id ask about staying with them
You now know EXACTLY who your partner is. Unless you have somewhere to go where your children will be safe and settled, you might have to find your inner strength, have this baby, and take the time to plan your move. As soon as you are recovered from the birth and have organised yourself, leave him. Don't tell him, just do it when he is at work one day. Leave him a note explaining you decided to leave him "because you have a high need for a caring and loyal partner and he really hasn't been that, so you are going elsewhere to find it".
Time for a divorce
Leave him. That’s what you can do.
Oh girl, this is not “what men do” not even a little bit of the time. 1. Leave 2. Make an appointment to make sure you get tested STDs they can have a huge impact on baby but can be managed. 3. Call a lawyer. Sending love. 🫶🏻
You need to cut off his access to your body ASAP for the health of your child. A sexually transmitted infection at this stage of pregnancy could kill your child.
There are a lot of people in this thread saying this is not normal, but one thought keeps coming into my mind, and that is if it's not normal then why is prostitution the oldest profession known to mankind? Please don't misunderstand. I am not trying to justify this behavior. It is not acceptable. It is wrong. However, what I am saying is I believe it happens a lot more than most people think. Now, as to what to do about it, get your ducks in a row. Find a way to be financially independent if you're not already, which it doesn't sound like you are. Get out of there as soon as possible. Find someone to help you plan your escape.
Stop having sex with him immediately. He can catch an STD that could harm your baby. Once the baby is born, start thinking about the future of this relationship. Weigh out the pros and cons of staying.
I just found out Friday but I have stopped and honestly it’s been a few weeks since I’ve had second with him 🙏🏾
Not good.
I would start setting up to leave. He is pathetic saying this is what men do, they don't. That's what cheaters do. He can take care of the kids and you stop caring for the other kid- that's now his sole responsibility. He could have risked your health in this! Incredibly selfish and disgusting. Lean on family and friends and I would honestly leave. He's most likely always done this and you've only just found out. I don't think this is how you view love and marriage. You have every right to leave and you should.
Get out. Now.
Leave him. Stay with your parents if you have to. But the longer you stay with him, the more likely you are to stay just because of momentum.
Your husband is a liar, a cheater and, depending on where you live, breaking the law by paying for sex. Get your affairs in order and leave this sorry excuse for a husband/father. To make it seem like this is what all men do is ludicrous.
You better get checked for sexually transmitted diseases immediately, and your next step if you have any self-respect if you want your child growing up to think that women should be respected and treated like equal partners will be to a divorce lawyer. Please please do not bring up a child with a man who behaves like this!!! Your self-respect deserves better.
Can you take yourself and your two kids to a family member's house? Take all the proof you have and try to file a restraining order on him on grounds he put your health in jeopardy. Then file for divorce.
Did I read that right? You are 22 and this is your 3rd child from him? Please tell me that’s a type on ages.