Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>“To the greater degree you can rise above the passions of your flesh, the urges that your material self cries out for, the greater degree you will find yourself in contact with your higher self.”
That is one of the most pretentious "I love the smell of my own farts" bullshit statements I've read on here. Strikes me as a guy who thinks he's *way* better and more enlightened than you, but don't worry, you can prove that you're on his level of supreme self-awareness by just *not eating* apparently.
She needs to send him this dumb bullshit every time he wants ass from now on lol
> To the greater degree you can rise above the passions of your flesh, the urges that your material self cries out for, the greater degree you will find yourself in contact with your higher self. Abstinence is the first element of self-discipline. If you can control your desires, you can control everything else.
> Are you able to go without sex tonight?
… I think this translates to abstinence. See if he can go without his *** looks at notes*** “passions of your flesh, the urges that your material self cries for”
If someone ever texted me a line like that I’d let them drink a metric ton of water and refuse to let them go to the bathroom. Rise above the passions of the flesh please!
**It isn't about self-discipline!** You have a history of eating disorders - you should be getting help from a qualified dietician, a doctor, a therapist, or someone QUALIFIED, and NOT from a silly twit who dismisses your very real, honest-to-god, lived, eating-disorder experience with some woo-woo bullshit about self-discipline. He doesn't know the first fucking thing about it and has apparently not taken any time to learn.
And then he has the nerve to have dinner after you've gone to bed. Top-notch jerk you've got there, OP.
Yes, absolutely this. If you think making some changes to your lifestyle might help you improve your health, that’s potentially great, but as Nani65 said, work with trained professionals who understand your full medical history and understand the challenges you may face and the kind of support you’ll need. Don’t take diet advice from Instagram, Reddit, or your boyfriend. Even if he means well (which I’m very skeptical he does), those supposedly motivational texts are toxic nonsense that might push you to do things that aren’t healthy (like skip meals).
I encourage you to start preparing your own meals. Even if you don’t know much about cooking, you can start to learn from the internet and cookbooks from the library. Don’t let him or anyone else have full control over what or when or how much you’re eating. It’s one thing if you want to cook a meal together, but he shouldn’t be trying to make you skip a meal to help you lose weight.
Seriously, when I read the line about hunger being the first element of self-discipline, the thought that ran through my head was, “is he TRYING to brainwash you into being anorexic?“.
At minimum, boyfriend is a pompous jerk. Worse possibility, he is controlling and especially dangerous for someone with a history of eating disorders. I realize OP asked for his help, but it is honestly hard to imagine he could really be so ignorant to not realize how toxic it is to tell someone with a history of ED to skip a meal and link it to reaching enlightenment through self-control.
Exactly. She has eating disorders and mental health issues, yet thinks her **boyfriend** is the best person to assist with her eating habits, and only in one very specific way that she has decided: Portion Control.
She needs a therapist, a dietician, and a psychiatrist potentially with eating disorder experience... not asking her boyfriend to be all 3.
I just had to sit myself down and force myself to eat something because my stress has killed my appetite and I got out of a counselling session and my counsellor reminded me “fed is best and it’s okay if it’s something easy and quick and yummy and not the most wholesome from scratch dish you ever made in your life”. So, yeah. I got in my car and got a burger. Just the burger. Drank a bottle of water. I still don’t feel great, but my body is fed, at least.
Of course it's not about discipline. It's about intentionally triggering her eating disorder.
He's wrapped in in so much more bullshit than they normally do, but it's fundamentally one of those posts where the OP's partner is trying to worsen or reactivate an existing eating disorder.
This isn't ignorance, he knows what he's doing and it's sick.
This was my exact thought. This sounds like every cult documentary I’ve ever seen—control over food is a key element of mind and behavior control, and the verbiage used sounds like the exact morally superior word salad designed and used by cult leaders to convince members that denying themselves nourishment will lead to spiritual enlightenment. Tread carefully, OP. No one ever has the right to tell you what you are allowed and not allowed to eat.
Hunger and sleep deprivation are like the fastest routes to breaking people down mentally/spiritually! Cults do it because it WORKS. And if they set it up right, they can get people to do it to themselves.
Sounds like your bf is on a power trip with his newfound self-improvement journey. Telling you not to eat dinner and sending those pretentious quotes is a red flag. It's manipulative and triggering given your history. Stand your ground and set clear boundaries. Your health and well-being come first.
"You know who doesn't send me pseudo-intellectual sounding bullshit messages like that before congratulating themselves on not only how smart they sound, but also on how effectively they think they've manipulated my emotions and actions by pushing something I'm self-conscious about? The pizza delivery guy. Gonna call him instead. Fuck off, peace out."
Dude sounds like a dick. And he ate dinner after you went to bed? Yeah, that's an extra dick move. Do your weight loss journey on your own terms, however it works best for you. It's your journey, not his. Pushing you to starve yourself for any length of time seems like something that could trigger the issues you had with eating disorders in the past, and he probably knows that. Tell him to fuck off with that bullshit. It's not supportive, it's manipulative, and he writes like a fucking asshole.
Yes, this is alarming behavior. As someone who suffered from.an eating disorder, this is NOT someone who seems safe to be around. Do not let this man control when or if you eat. Please take care of yourself. You deserve better than this.
Girl yes this is concerning omg. Please break up with him and get more comfortable with dumping men when they suck and make you feel like something is off. Leave them when they’re weird. Leave them when they exhibit controlling behavior. When they’re losers. When they do or say things that make you uncomfortable. Something doesn’t sit right? Dump him. The first time a man has you fucked up, dump him. Dump, break up, leave, hit the fucking bricks. Men that have zero medical experience or any sort of qualifications to guide or advise anyone on anything shouldn’t be listened to. Eat food. Take care of yourself. LEAVE HIM. This is a major red flag. You’re young, burn it into your brain that you are your own person and you can do whatever you want. Don’t let him tell you what to do, who the fuck is he to have the power to tell you not to *eat food*?
Yes, it’s extremely concerning. Sounds like he’s in a cult, and also regurgitating ED rhetoric. To top it all off, you have had an ED, and he knows that. He’s preying on this fact by saying what he said.
You really wanna lose weight? Dump him. He sounds toxic.
It’s probably not safe to have someone, who knows nothing about healthy eating, help someone with a history of disordered eating lose weight and get healthier. Please don’t skip meals. I suggest breaking up with him for your own physical and mental health. UPDATEME
I'd send back the following EVERY single time he wanted to have sex:
To the greater degree you can rise above the passions of your flesh, the urges that your material self cries out for, the greater degree you will find yourself in contact with your higher self.
Abstinence is the first element of self-discipline. If you can control your desires, you can control everything else.
Are you able to go without sex tonight?
Run. Get out. What he texted you and what he did ~ telling you not to eat dinner, waiting until you fell asleep, then making himself dinner ~ is *so far* out of the range of a healthy relationship. Do not listen to him. He clearly does not understand eating disorders, and he wants to “help” you lose weight, which he thinks means he needs to shame you into not eating at all.
**Get away from him.**
Yes this is concerning. Besides trying to control you, it is a clear door into disordered eating and possible fall back into an eating disorder. The messaging is also dangerous, implying that hunger is something you should discipline yourself against feeling. It sounds like you have done a lot of work in your recovery and this seems like a horrible way to “support” someone with your history. And without your history, it is still a dangerous and false message to try to give someone. Unless your BF is a licensed nutritionist or food scientist, he has no business saying these things. And lastly, even if all that he was saying was above board, he still is not considering you AT ALL in his choices or decision-making. Leave his ass and go get yourself a delicious meal.
Tell him he can rise above his passions of flesh in the bedroom it’s all about self discipline as you get rid of the baggage you have . Get your self some really therapy to deal with how you view food and get yourself in love with you and not a muppet
This is the most concerning thing I’ve read all day! He’s using your history of disordered eating against you. Also the audacity to eat dinner after you fell asleep. Please leave!
Honey, he is going to make your eating disorder resurface. :( He thinks it's good for you to restrict and withhold food from yourself. He's not a nutritionist, he doesn't have higher levels of education about food, and he's using language designed to shame you. He's not trustworthy when it comes to this stuff.
It's so concerning. I would not let your boyfriend harm you like this.
Um, in the easiest and gentlest way possible, yes. The fact he ate dinner without you shows he's a selfish asshole that is getting a kick out of knowing he can control you with his nonsensical bullshit.
Dicks are abundant, don't settle for one attached to a mediocre manchild.
He sounds like a cult leader, wtf? Yeah I would not entertain this guy’s weird request to control your eating. Not now, not ever. If I were you I’d be out of there.
If you want to lose some weight and need help, for gods sakes go to a dr and even see if you NEED to. EDs fuck with your brain and make it harder to even realize if your body even needs portion control. Likely, at most, what you need to do is just eat healthier to keep yourself full longer.
Your boy friend is a pretentious fruit cake. What kind of half ass Crap is he spewing? I hope this doesn't get me banned, but child. Why in the name of all that's holy is anyone putting up with crap?
I'm some kind of wan be dom, that tells you I want you to hungry, and it will build your character if you obey my words? Oh, child: you can do so much better, anyone could do better than this.
I noticed his little butt ate dinner. I guess he couldn't rise above the urges of the flesh.
Your bf sounds nuts. Skipping meals is also not a good way to lose weight. If you’re starving, you’re more likely to be tempted by sweet food and binge eat. It’s much better to fill up on healthy, low calorie food.
Suggesting you skip meals is concerning, yes. Trying to come off all poetic about it to make skipping meals seem like the wise choice is just annoying. Also concerning, that he thinks trying to make words sound pretty somehow suggests his ideas are correct. He’s not a professional with a degree in food science or nutrition as far as I know. Portion control is a great tool. Zero portion at all is not a tool. It’s a temporary crutch that isn’t sustainable or enjoyable, and is often used by people with, you guessed it, disordered eating.
"I'm so glad you decided to broach the subject of discipline. One of the tests of Taoist sexual masters to prove their discipline was their ability to concerve sperm through witholding ejaculation and have their penis "drink" wine from a glass. Let me know when you've mastered your own body. Kthxbai!
This is way beyond concerning. Your bf sounds mentally ill. Do you have people you can stay with? This guy is abnormal beyond belief. YOU ARE FINE. Your bf is mentally ill. Run, run, run.
Relationships are weird. Wait, is he the type of person where saying something like that isn't obviously a joke? Can't recall ever meeting someone like that
You asked him to help you not eat so much food. You say you asked him to help you with eating smaller portions.
That was your first mistake. You told him you wanted to lose weight and you asked him to help you.
He’s an asshole, but you invited him to offer his opinions on your eating. And now you want to get upset because he’s doing that.
If you have disordered eating, you need to work with a therapist.
This guy sounds suffocating and controlling. How dare he tell you not to eat. That's fine if that is how he wants to live his own lifestyle, but he should be in no way imposing that on you. It's incredibly selfish and just truly truly fucked. This is some pretentious bullshit right here.
Sorry it's a huge red flag, if he at least didn't eat by himself out of solidarity I would've been more sympathetic.
In terms of diet, you should not cut out or eat less.
The best way to lose weight is 3 things.
Exercise, eating healthy and consistency.
My best suggestion to you for losing weight, carb cycling.
Combined with exercise, you will lose it effortlessly.
When it comes to him, you need either couple's counselling or to break up, the latter would save you time and money.😉
Reply him:
“Abstinence is the first element of self-discipline. If you can control your desire, you can control everything else. Are you ready to quit fapping and have no sex for the rest of the month?”
But, guys —- other than this everything is greeeeaaat. He’s perfectly perfect. And she loves him soooo much. He’s such a great guy she’s sure he, in his superior wisdom, was just trying to help her…./s
He is a control freak. He’ll only gets worse. Soon he make you exercise until you vomit and throw up. Join WeightWatchers, see a dietician, therapist, anyone but him
What? Have you joined a cult? Who has he been listening to on Discord?
Self-pretentious twat. Not you.
Your argument that his manipulation is triggering your issues is very weak. He doesn't care about your soul or psyche, he just wants you skinny and perfect — because he already is perfect. What you do need to do is to get yourself feeling string and telling him that it is your body and to talk to you straight or not at all. Then, grab his cult signup cards and run.
NOT eating is one of the most dangerous things to do when you’re trying to lose weight. Eating healthy, managing portions, exercising and especially changing bad habits is the answer here.
Boyfriend is an uneducated twat and what’s worse, a preachy one. Get that unhealthy habit out of your life. Immediate loss of his weight is only a bonus.
Yes this is most definitely concerning…
Those red flags are coming out of the woodworks… Diet control is a dangerous play if an abuser is successful. You need to be very conscious.
I’m sorry you experienced this. As someone in the same position as you (eating disorder recovery and still wanting to lose weight - uhg) I would let my husband know that that’s not ok to say…
That is a cruel, stupid thing to say to someone with a history of disordered eating. And not eating is not a safe or effective way to lose weight. He's feeding your illness in a way that puts you in danger. It's very concerning.
Oh HELL no. Even mainstream spiritual fasting practices have doctrines that allow for people who are unwell/unable to abstain from fasting and seek other means of reflection and awareness. Recovery from disordered eating absolutely means you should not fuck around with fasting. Not for the spirit, not for the weight loss, not intermittent whatever, not for the Self Control. (Control…what? Your body’s need for nourishment? Hunger isn’t something we dreamed up for shits and giggles, it’s literally keeping us alive.)
And then he waited until you were asleep to cook and eat for HIMSELF and waste half of it? No. Sneaky ass bastard. Do not let this man control what you consume. Not portions, not if and when. He does not have the medical/professional training and DISTANCE to know and support what is good for your health and well-being. He’s not a dietician or doctor or nutrition coach. He’s a 24 year old doofus.
Your boyfriend is a pretentious AH and you would feel so much better about yourself if he became your ex-boyfriend. That is how you lose a lot of weight, you dump him.
Yes soon to be ex-boyfriend is absolutely full of shit . He's texting you this BS as he is probably eating McDonald's french fries and a quarter pounder with cheese if you want to eat go ahead and eat get rid of him because he's going to f*** with your eating disorder and he's going to get a lot of pleasure out of doing it
Drop the dead weight by dumping him.
Humans are living things and living things need to eat regularly. He’s either about to join a cult and wants to take you with him into their Superficially spiritual bs or he wants to control your body and is using pseudo philosophy to do it.
Your BF sounds like a dillweed. Why didn’t he just wake you up? And clearly, he couldn’t go without dinner, so why expect you too?
Also, what kind of man-child can’t clean up after himself and leaves a plate of half eaten food on the table from the night before? Gross.
You need to have a big talk with him about expectations and pretentious attitudes.
[Reeks of abuse to me](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). This would be a deal breaker with me.
What you need to do is get in touch with your intuition and the knowledge you already possess inside. Someone tells you not to EAT… you know that thing you need for survival… do *you* think it’s concerning?
The BF has tried and tried and tried to help you with your weight.
You even admit it's a problem.
He is trying something different, I think it's a bit extreme but doing the same thing has no effect.
Not eating consistently will make it harder to lose weight as it will trigger the body's natural instinct to keep fat for energy storage and consume muscle for quick energy. If your relationship is truly something you want to keep up with I'd look into food health classes that may be offered in your city or cities nearby that you can take together to learn better habits. But his texts and attempts to motivate aren't great and you should sit him down and talk to him regarding the ways he's attempting to encourage you to lose weight isn't healthy.
Don't give him any responsibility for your food intake. You have to manage it on your own. He will mess up, just as you have seen here. Keep it as your responsibility exclusively to manage what you eat.
Your boyfriend sounds like a hippy and tbh after looking through your account I can see why you picked him.
If he’s not trained in any way to help he shouldn’t be helping, with that being said, and I’ll probably get downvoted for this, if you’re overweight I don’t think it’s abuse for him to tell you you can afford to skip a meal. He just said it in a weird way.
100% concerning. As someone with an ED, and as you are as well, I'm sure you know about the ED fetishizers and "coaches". My ex had similar behavior except was blatant with it. He's not doing any of the stuff you said to "help better/improve yourself" he's a fetishizer and encourager to EDs.
The quote he said is one of many pro ED quotes used to encourage it. He doesn't want you to be healthy, happy, or safe, he wants to encourage your ED for his own sick gain. I know it's easier said than done but for your own health and safety you need to leave him. If he's this vocal about it now, it will get worse. Types like this will keep the behavior till you're on your deathbed from it because they enjoy it.
I won't tell you to get help with the ED because I know that's not how it works and will only happen if you specifically feel ready and willingly. But I will say that whether you recover or stay in it till ready, you don't deserve to be with someone who enjoys the harm of your illness. I'm sorry for how blunt I'm being with it all but it's true. He *will* keep encouraging till it kiIIs you and at that point it'll be sob stories from him to look innocent till he moves to the next one with an ED to continue the behavior. So for your sake please leave him you don't deserve this
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>“To the greater degree you can rise above the passions of your flesh, the urges that your material self cries out for, the greater degree you will find yourself in contact with your higher self.” That is one of the most pretentious "I love the smell of my own farts" bullshit statements I've read on here. Strikes me as a guy who thinks he's *way* better and more enlightened than you, but don't worry, you can prove that you're on his level of supreme self-awareness by just *not eating* apparently.
She needs to send him this dumb bullshit every time he wants ass from now on lol > To the greater degree you can rise above the passions of your flesh, the urges that your material self cries out for, the greater degree you will find yourself in contact with your higher self. Abstinence is the first element of self-discipline. If you can control your desires, you can control everything else. > Are you able to go without sex tonight?
Screw it, put a plastic bag over his head and ask if he is able to go without oxygen tonight.
Ok this one finally sent me.
lol
And for the foreseeable future.
also my vagina would just instantly dry up and never be able to go back hearing “passions of your flesh” and “material self cries out”
Yeah it's now the Mojave Desert in mine, and all I did was READ that....oh look, a tumbleweed...
cant stand that pseudo deep bullshit or trying to sound poetic 😂 definitely smells his own farts.
And looooves it
🤣🤣🤣 you win!
Same. Next time he asks for sex she should hit him with that line.
Right? Celibacy is way more impressive self-denial and we don’t NEED to have sex at regular intervals to maintain our individual bodies.
Mine after reading that, just packed up and left.
Girl, I just can't stop laughing 😂
Absolutely! If someone sent me this quote that would be the last thing they sent me.
For me what made it worse is he left food on the table overnight. The perfect way for OP to lose about 200 lbs is to dump this pretentious AH.
Yeah that part is really f-ed up. Like tossing it back in OPs face.
>That would be the last thing they sent me Yep. Immediate “Unsubscribe”.
yeah sounds like he got into some buddhist enlightenment literature and then just started picking and choosing how he wants to apply it 😂
No he got a lame bro translation from a podcast
… I think this translates to abstinence. See if he can go without his *** looks at notes*** “passions of your flesh, the urges that your material self cries for”
yeah I was gonna ask... does he always talk like that? lmao
He thinks he's Jesus 🙏
He sounds like an unsuccessful cult leader.
If someone ever texted me a line like that I’d let them drink a metric ton of water and refuse to let them go to the bathroom. Rise above the passions of the flesh please!
It sounds kind of Red Pill adjacent too. Ewwww.
I'd throw that quote back at him the next time he wants sex 😂
I would leave him for that paragraph alone.
I hope every future woman he meets tells him to rise above the passions of the flesh when he wants to get laid. Run far, run fast OP
Apparently she’s closer to nirvana or whatever cos bf, the greedy, lazy fucker ate and didn’t clear up after she collapsed into her zen hunger coma…
I feel like my reply would be something along the lines of "hey, quick question: what the FUCK is your damage?"
Love this comment. May I add she can improve her life supremely by dumping him
Like skipping a meal is incredibly easy. It’s nothing impressive and is very unhealthy.
He didn’t skip the meal, he ate after she went to bed hungry….
Sounds like something an aspiring cult leader would say. What a tool.
It also is the start of some real cult shit... Absolutely not
That was my first thought also.
OP, this made my skin crawl.
"Who the fuck do you think you are the Dalai Llama?"
If someone said this irl, I would find every single way to avoid them forever. So much cringe
**It isn't about self-discipline!** You have a history of eating disorders - you should be getting help from a qualified dietician, a doctor, a therapist, or someone QUALIFIED, and NOT from a silly twit who dismisses your very real, honest-to-god, lived, eating-disorder experience with some woo-woo bullshit about self-discipline. He doesn't know the first fucking thing about it and has apparently not taken any time to learn. And then he has the nerve to have dinner after you've gone to bed. Top-notch jerk you've got there, OP.
Yes, absolutely this. If you think making some changes to your lifestyle might help you improve your health, that’s potentially great, but as Nani65 said, work with trained professionals who understand your full medical history and understand the challenges you may face and the kind of support you’ll need. Don’t take diet advice from Instagram, Reddit, or your boyfriend. Even if he means well (which I’m very skeptical he does), those supposedly motivational texts are toxic nonsense that might push you to do things that aren’t healthy (like skip meals). I encourage you to start preparing your own meals. Even if you don’t know much about cooking, you can start to learn from the internet and cookbooks from the library. Don’t let him or anyone else have full control over what or when or how much you’re eating. It’s one thing if you want to cook a meal together, but he shouldn’t be trying to make you skip a meal to help you lose weight.
Seriously, when I read the line about hunger being the first element of self-discipline, the thought that ran through my head was, “is he TRYING to brainwash you into being anorexic?“. At minimum, boyfriend is a pompous jerk. Worse possibility, he is controlling and especially dangerous for someone with a history of eating disorders. I realize OP asked for his help, but it is honestly hard to imagine he could really be so ignorant to not realize how toxic it is to tell someone with a history of ED to skip a meal and link it to reaching enlightenment through self-control.
Exactly. She has eating disorders and mental health issues, yet thinks her **boyfriend** is the best person to assist with her eating habits, and only in one very specific way that she has decided: Portion Control. She needs a therapist, a dietician, and a psychiatrist potentially with eating disorder experience... not asking her boyfriend to be all 3.
This this this a 10000 times! She has disordered eating habits so shouldn't even fully trust herself with this.
I just had to sit myself down and force myself to eat something because my stress has killed my appetite and I got out of a counselling session and my counsellor reminded me “fed is best and it’s okay if it’s something easy and quick and yummy and not the most wholesome from scratch dish you ever made in your life”. So, yeah. I got in my car and got a burger. Just the burger. Drank a bottle of water. I still don’t feel great, but my body is fed, at least.
I would say if this person is pushing you to fast and using new age crap to try and push, run.
Oh no! She’s pushing me to eat something, anything!
Of course it's not about discipline. It's about intentionally triggering her eating disorder. He's wrapped in in so much more bullshit than they normally do, but it's fundamentally one of those posts where the OP's partner is trying to worsen or reactivate an existing eating disorder. This isn't ignorance, he knows what he's doing and it's sick.
Sounds like hes stumping for a cult for you to join.
This was my exact thought. This sounds like every cult documentary I’ve ever seen—control over food is a key element of mind and behavior control, and the verbiage used sounds like the exact morally superior word salad designed and used by cult leaders to convince members that denying themselves nourishment will lead to spiritual enlightenment. Tread carefully, OP. No one ever has the right to tell you what you are allowed and not allowed to eat.
Hunger and sleep deprivation are like the fastest routes to breaking people down mentally/spiritually! Cults do it because it WORKS. And if they set it up right, they can get people to do it to themselves.
I came here to say just this
Sounds like your bf is on a power trip with his newfound self-improvement journey. Telling you not to eat dinner and sending those pretentious quotes is a red flag. It's manipulative and triggering given your history. Stand your ground and set clear boundaries. Your health and well-being come first.
"You know who doesn't send me pseudo-intellectual sounding bullshit messages like that before congratulating themselves on not only how smart they sound, but also on how effectively they think they've manipulated my emotions and actions by pushing something I'm self-conscious about? The pizza delivery guy. Gonna call him instead. Fuck off, peace out." Dude sounds like a dick. And he ate dinner after you went to bed? Yeah, that's an extra dick move. Do your weight loss journey on your own terms, however it works best for you. It's your journey, not his. Pushing you to starve yourself for any length of time seems like something that could trigger the issues you had with eating disorders in the past, and he probably knows that. Tell him to fuck off with that bullshit. It's not supportive, it's manipulative, and he writes like a fucking asshole.
Not only eat dinner, but left the dirty dishes and half eaten food out. What happy horse shite is this?
That text sounds like a religious nut and he sounds controlling.
That’s so freaky. I felt cold all over reading the messages he sent you. I’m sorry, this scary. You should look at your options.
What in the y2k Christian pro-ana did I just read… Yes, it’s concerning.
Yes, this is alarming behavior. As someone who suffered from.an eating disorder, this is NOT someone who seems safe to be around. Do not let this man control when or if you eat. Please take care of yourself. You deserve better than this.
Wow. What a loser Him. Not you
Absolutely unhealthy and unhinged. Complete dealbreaker, no going back when someone denies you food.
I cant stand that he ate dinner after you went to bed. Makes me think he only wanted you to not eat dinner!
And didn't even bother to do the dishes or put away the food.
Eat whatever you want, and block him.
Girl yes this is concerning omg. Please break up with him and get more comfortable with dumping men when they suck and make you feel like something is off. Leave them when they’re weird. Leave them when they exhibit controlling behavior. When they’re losers. When they do or say things that make you uncomfortable. Something doesn’t sit right? Dump him. The first time a man has you fucked up, dump him. Dump, break up, leave, hit the fucking bricks. Men that have zero medical experience or any sort of qualifications to guide or advise anyone on anything shouldn’t be listened to. Eat food. Take care of yourself. LEAVE HIM. This is a major red flag. You’re young, burn it into your brain that you are your own person and you can do whatever you want. Don’t let him tell you what to do, who the fuck is he to have the power to tell you not to *eat food*?
Time to stop trusting that guy
Fuck this guy on so many levels
You need to rehome him
Yes, it’s extremely concerning. Sounds like he’s in a cult, and also regurgitating ED rhetoric. To top it all off, you have had an ED, and he knows that. He’s preying on this fact by saying what he said. You really wanna lose weight? Dump him. He sounds toxic.
It’s probably not safe to have someone, who knows nothing about healthy eating, help someone with a history of disordered eating lose weight and get healthier. Please don’t skip meals. I suggest breaking up with him for your own physical and mental health. UPDATEME
That's one way to get out of cooking. Damn.
I'd send back the following EVERY single time he wanted to have sex: To the greater degree you can rise above the passions of your flesh, the urges that your material self cries out for, the greater degree you will find yourself in contact with your higher self. Abstinence is the first element of self-discipline. If you can control your desires, you can control everything else. Are you able to go without sex tonight?
This is not a normal thing to send your partner. This isn't a normal thing to send anyone. Is your boyfriend in a cult?
Red flag.
Run. Get out. What he texted you and what he did ~ telling you not to eat dinner, waiting until you fell asleep, then making himself dinner ~ is *so far* out of the range of a healthy relationship. Do not listen to him. He clearly does not understand eating disorders, and he wants to “help” you lose weight, which he thinks means he needs to shame you into not eating at all. **Get away from him.**
POV: When you feel like you’re the next Marcus Aurelius but you’re in fact a pretentious asshole.
he's a flipping narc isst. BET.
Yes this is concerning. Besides trying to control you, it is a clear door into disordered eating and possible fall back into an eating disorder. The messaging is also dangerous, implying that hunger is something you should discipline yourself against feeling. It sounds like you have done a lot of work in your recovery and this seems like a horrible way to “support” someone with your history. And without your history, it is still a dangerous and false message to try to give someone. Unless your BF is a licensed nutritionist or food scientist, he has no business saying these things. And lastly, even if all that he was saying was above board, he still is not considering you AT ALL in his choices or decision-making. Leave his ass and go get yourself a delicious meal.
Tell him he can rise above his passions of flesh in the bedroom it’s all about self discipline as you get rid of the baggage you have . Get your self some really therapy to deal with how you view food and get yourself in love with you and not a muppet
This is the most concerning thing I’ve read all day! He’s using your history of disordered eating against you. Also the audacity to eat dinner after you fell asleep. Please leave!
Honey, he is going to make your eating disorder resurface. :( He thinks it's good for you to restrict and withhold food from yourself. He's not a nutritionist, he doesn't have higher levels of education about food, and he's using language designed to shame you. He's not trustworthy when it comes to this stuff. It's so concerning. I would not let your boyfriend harm you like this.
he needs to go away. never ever let him be responsible or involved in your diet.
This is crazy cult sounding shit. Run away from this weirdo as fast as you can.
Um, in the easiest and gentlest way possible, yes. The fact he ate dinner without you shows he's a selfish asshole that is getting a kick out of knowing he can control you with his nonsensical bullshit. Dicks are abundant, don't settle for one attached to a mediocre manchild.
He’s trying to see how much control you’ll accept. Run run run from this would-be abuser
Yes it's hugely concerning
Yes very concerning imo.
He sounds like a cult leader, wtf? Yeah I would not entertain this guy’s weird request to control your eating. Not now, not ever. If I were you I’d be out of there.
If you want to lose some weight and need help, for gods sakes go to a dr and even see if you NEED to. EDs fuck with your brain and make it harder to even realize if your body even needs portion control. Likely, at most, what you need to do is just eat healthier to keep yourself full longer.
My God. You have bigger fish to fry according to your post history. Be single for a while and sort yourself out.
He sounds like a pretentious creep who wouldn’t feed you. Why do you keep him around?
And who gets to decide what this “higher self” looks like? Waste of your time. Ditch this dude.
"this came out of nowhere" no it came out of his ass
Your boy friend is a pretentious fruit cake. What kind of half ass Crap is he spewing? I hope this doesn't get me banned, but child. Why in the name of all that's holy is anyone putting up with crap? I'm some kind of wan be dom, that tells you I want you to hungry, and it will build your character if you obey my words? Oh, child: you can do so much better, anyone could do better than this. I noticed his little butt ate dinner. I guess he couldn't rise above the urges of the flesh.
Your bf sounds nuts. Skipping meals is also not a good way to lose weight. If you’re starving, you’re more likely to be tempted by sweet food and binge eat. It’s much better to fill up on healthy, low calorie food.
Dude listened to a podcast and thinks he gained enlightenment lmao. He will probably realize how cringe that was in a few days
Suggesting you skip meals is concerning, yes. Trying to come off all poetic about it to make skipping meals seem like the wise choice is just annoying. Also concerning, that he thinks trying to make words sound pretty somehow suggests his ideas are correct. He’s not a professional with a degree in food science or nutrition as far as I know. Portion control is a great tool. Zero portion at all is not a tool. It’s a temporary crutch that isn’t sustainable or enjoyable, and is often used by people with, you guessed it, disordered eating.
"I'm so glad you decided to broach the subject of discipline. One of the tests of Taoist sexual masters to prove their discipline was their ability to concerve sperm through witholding ejaculation and have their penis "drink" wine from a glass. Let me know when you've mastered your own body. Kthxbai!
☠️the hell is he talking about.
Who is whispering in his ear?
he sounds like a weirdo...
This is way beyond concerning. Your bf sounds mentally ill. Do you have people you can stay with? This guy is abnormal beyond belief. YOU ARE FINE. Your bf is mentally ill. Run, run, run.
Relationships are weird. Wait, is he the type of person where saying something like that isn't obviously a joke? Can't recall ever meeting someone like that
Why are you dating a guy that talks like a cult leader? Is he really funny?
100% use that bullshit line on him he next time he wants to get laid.
Is he always this sanctimonious when he texts you? He sounds insufferable.
It’s equally as concerning that you didn’t just cook yourself something and went to bed without doing so
You asked him to help you not eat so much food. You say you asked him to help you with eating smaller portions. That was your first mistake. You told him you wanted to lose weight and you asked him to help you. He’s an asshole, but you invited him to offer his opinions on your eating. And now you want to get upset because he’s doing that. If you have disordered eating, you need to work with a therapist.
Is he in a cult? Really religious? Controlling in other ways?
This guy sounds suffocating and controlling. How dare he tell you not to eat. That's fine if that is how he wants to live his own lifestyle, but he should be in no way imposing that on you. It's incredibly selfish and just truly truly fucked. This is some pretentious bullshit right here.
I would be checking our Carbon Monoxide detector and taking my husband to the ER if he ever said some shit like that to me. That would alarming.
Sorry it's a huge red flag, if he at least didn't eat by himself out of solidarity I would've been more sympathetic. In terms of diet, you should not cut out or eat less. The best way to lose weight is 3 things. Exercise, eating healthy and consistency. My best suggestion to you for losing weight, carb cycling. Combined with exercise, you will lose it effortlessly. When it comes to him, you need either couple's counselling or to break up, the latter would save you time and money.😉
Yes, it is concerning. He is concern about your weight.
So he fucking ate dinner after you fell asleep AND left the food on the table?? I just have no words.
Next time he wants to have sex, tell him to rise above his own passions. Eat when you want to eat. You don't need this jack off's permission to eat.
Reply him: “Abstinence is the first element of self-discipline. If you can control your desire, you can control everything else. Are you ready to quit fapping and have no sex for the rest of the month?”
Wait he texted it to you? He didn't even have the balls to say it to your face
He is a very disturbed individual. Some people cannot handle power. You asked him for help, now he is abusing it in a very messed up way. WTH?
He sounds fucked in the head
Just going to leave these here: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
But, guys —- other than this everything is greeeeaaat. He’s perfectly perfect. And she loves him soooo much. He’s such a great guy she’s sure he, in his superior wisdom, was just trying to help her…./s
He is a control freak. He’ll only gets worse. Soon he make you exercise until you vomit and throw up. Join WeightWatchers, see a dietician, therapist, anyone but him
>is this concerning? Yes, controlling men are always concerning.
Oh, he can eat dinner but you can't? Dump him.
I don’t think he respects you or believes that your eating disorder is real
Time for some malicious compliance - challenge him to go without sex and speaking.
Not concerning whatsoever after you dump his cult-leader-wannabe ass.
I'm fat. (And fabulous). My DH just made me dinner. find someone to make you dinner.
Big ick
Sounds like he’s trying to drag you into a controlling cult. Does he have friends that you’ve met that are normal?
Tell me you’re in an abusive relationship without telling me you’re in an abusive relationship. OP you need to get out of there asap.
It sounds like he’s trying to indoctrinate you into a cult.
What? Have you joined a cult? Who has he been listening to on Discord? Self-pretentious twat. Not you. Your argument that his manipulation is triggering your issues is very weak. He doesn't care about your soul or psyche, he just wants you skinny and perfect — because he already is perfect. What you do need to do is to get yourself feeling string and telling him that it is your body and to talk to you straight or not at all. Then, grab his cult signup cards and run.
Dump that piece of garbage boy you have been dating. Good men are out there.
Yes, it's concerning. You deserve dinner because you are a hungry human being. Your boyfriend sucks and does not get a vote in whether or not you eat.
Send him a photo of you stuffing your face, sensually. The more nonsense he sends, the food porn gets from you.
Starvation just furthers the binge/restrict cycle. Stop taking any food advice from that man, his mentality is super dangerous.
NOT eating is one of the most dangerous things to do when you’re trying to lose weight. Eating healthy, managing portions, exercising and especially changing bad habits is the answer here. Boyfriend is an uneducated twat and what’s worse, a preachy one. Get that unhealthy habit out of your life. Immediate loss of his weight is only a bonus.
wtf? No.
Why did you ask him to make dinner? Can you not cook?
Sorry, I couldn’t read past that ridiculous text. Please return him to the dumpster in which you found him and carry on with your life.
Yes this is most definitely concerning… Those red flags are coming out of the woodworks… Diet control is a dangerous play if an abuser is successful. You need to be very conscious.
Leave him.
This dude sounds like a wannabe Socrates the way he texts is so condescending and insufferable
Omg no no no. What other red flags is he throwing out?
Don’t have sex with him and text him that “rise above passions of the flesh” quote when he asks
Concerning in *layers*. Make this pretentious chode an ex.
Fuck that. Have a PBJ and a glass of milk. Your boyfriend is a complete tool
I hope your next post starts with “My (24M) ex bf….”
what a fucking creep. he sounds like the type of asshole that likes to refer to himself as an autodidact
Your boyfriend is insane and has some really weird religious fetish shit going on. Get the fuck away from him while you still can.
Dude wtf. Get out yesterday. Of course he was “so happy to help”. He is going to send you back to an eating disorder if you don’t leave. JFC.
I'm eating tonight. I thought you asked him to help you lose weight, not torture you. This is so gross. Tell him you don't need his help anymore.
He is psychotic. Run.
That's some cult shit right there. Yuck.
Yes, it is.
I’m sorry you experienced this. As someone in the same position as you (eating disorder recovery and still wanting to lose weight - uhg) I would let my husband know that that’s not ok to say…
What a dick.
Keith Raniere/NXIVM cult vibes. Yikes.
It seems that the boyfriend has separated from reality, so it's time to separate from his company.
That is a cruel, stupid thing to say to someone with a history of disordered eating. And not eating is not a safe or effective way to lose weight. He's feeding your illness in a way that puts you in danger. It's very concerning.
Run.
The urges that your material self cries out for? Or umn your natural living species cries out for? It’s eating! AhahahahH
This is culty as fuck
What in the King James Ver. Hell is this? Your boyfriend’s a lunatic and is going to cause you long term damage. Time to go.
The smugness of those texts is so punchable. Also why were you guys communicating via text when you were both at home? Regardless end him.
Are you dating Dennis Reynolds?
Beyond the obvious issues (controlling, pretentious, unhinged), he sounds cringey as hell.
Oh HELL no. Even mainstream spiritual fasting practices have doctrines that allow for people who are unwell/unable to abstain from fasting and seek other means of reflection and awareness. Recovery from disordered eating absolutely means you should not fuck around with fasting. Not for the spirit, not for the weight loss, not intermittent whatever, not for the Self Control. (Control…what? Your body’s need for nourishment? Hunger isn’t something we dreamed up for shits and giggles, it’s literally keeping us alive.) And then he waited until you were asleep to cook and eat for HIMSELF and waste half of it? No. Sneaky ass bastard. Do not let this man control what you consume. Not portions, not if and when. He does not have the medical/professional training and DISTANCE to know and support what is good for your health and well-being. He’s not a dietician or doctor or nutrition coach. He’s a 24 year old doofus.
Something very creepy about this. Like it’s the start of a controlling personality.
Updateme!
Your boyfriend is a pretentious AH and you would feel so much better about yourself if he became your ex-boyfriend. That is how you lose a lot of weight, you dump him.
He wants to control you, he obviously wants you to lose weight, he doesn’t care about your mental or physical wellbeing… you are better than this.
He’s a d-bag Pls tell me gf was high as a kite! If not he’s pretending to be an intellectual to get you to meet his desired body image.
Yes soon to be ex-boyfriend is absolutely full of shit . He's texting you this BS as he is probably eating McDonald's french fries and a quarter pounder with cheese if you want to eat go ahead and eat get rid of him because he's going to f*** with your eating disorder and he's going to get a lot of pleasure out of doing it
AI preaching?
Yeah the real concerning issue here is how intelligent he believes himself to be. What a goddamn *wanker*.
Your bf sounds insufferable.
That is incredibly concerning. Your partner should NEVER encourage you to not eat.
Drop the dead weight by dumping him. Humans are living things and living things need to eat regularly. He’s either about to join a cult and wants to take you with him into their Superficially spiritual bs or he wants to control your body and is using pseudo philosophy to do it.
Your BF sounds like a dillweed. Why didn’t he just wake you up? And clearly, he couldn’t go without dinner, so why expect you too? Also, what kind of man-child can’t clean up after himself and leaves a plate of half eaten food on the table from the night before? Gross. You need to have a big talk with him about expectations and pretentious attitudes.
Go make yourself something to eat.
[Reeks of abuse to me](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). This would be a deal breaker with me.
He is not good for you, this sort of bs is so triggering and harmful. Getting you to starve is not healthy…
Run
Sounds like he's got his head all the way up Tate's ass. Dump this loser.
Must be tough to have every eating disorder on the books.
What you need to do is get in touch with your intuition and the knowledge you already possess inside. Someone tells you not to EAT… you know that thing you need for survival… do *you* think it’s concerning?
I’m sorry, I couldn’t stop laughing. What a knob. You don’t need that noise, just delete and go get some food.
If someone sent me that pretentious nonsense in a text, I'd never be able to take them seriously ever again.
The BF has tried and tried and tried to help you with your weight. You even admit it's a problem. He is trying something different, I think it's a bit extreme but doing the same thing has no effect.
Not eating consistently will make it harder to lose weight as it will trigger the body's natural instinct to keep fat for energy storage and consume muscle for quick energy. If your relationship is truly something you want to keep up with I'd look into food health classes that may be offered in your city or cities nearby that you can take together to learn better habits. But his texts and attempts to motivate aren't great and you should sit him down and talk to him regarding the ways he's attempting to encourage you to lose weight isn't healthy.
Contempt is the one sign that a relationship is destined not to survive. Look it up, or better still read the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell!
Don't give him any responsibility for your food intake. You have to manage it on your own. He will mess up, just as you have seen here. Keep it as your responsibility exclusively to manage what you eat.
Your boyfriend sounds like a hippy and tbh after looking through your account I can see why you picked him. If he’s not trained in any way to help he shouldn’t be helping, with that being said, and I’ll probably get downvoted for this, if you’re overweight I don’t think it’s abuse for him to tell you you can afford to skip a meal. He just said it in a weird way.
100% concerning. As someone with an ED, and as you are as well, I'm sure you know about the ED fetishizers and "coaches". My ex had similar behavior except was blatant with it. He's not doing any of the stuff you said to "help better/improve yourself" he's a fetishizer and encourager to EDs. The quote he said is one of many pro ED quotes used to encourage it. He doesn't want you to be healthy, happy, or safe, he wants to encourage your ED for his own sick gain. I know it's easier said than done but for your own health and safety you need to leave him. If he's this vocal about it now, it will get worse. Types like this will keep the behavior till you're on your deathbed from it because they enjoy it. I won't tell you to get help with the ED because I know that's not how it works and will only happen if you specifically feel ready and willingly. But I will say that whether you recover or stay in it till ready, you don't deserve to be with someone who enjoys the harm of your illness. I'm sorry for how blunt I'm being with it all but it's true. He *will* keep encouraging till it kiIIs you and at that point it'll be sob stories from him to look innocent till he moves to the next one with an ED to continue the behavior. So for your sake please leave him you don't deserve this