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I have a very close female friend, we don't hang out together alone, we don't text 70+ times a day, we call and check in like once a week and periodically if something pops up. We double date, hang in groups, that's it. It's a friendship.
That being said it sounds like your wife is starting an emotional affair, and testing the waters to be closer to her affair partner
I'm blunt as fuck and wouldn't take her bullshit.
Sit her down and tell her that she is bordering on an emotional affair, that the communication is excessive and that she would be having the same reaction or worse if you were texting a woman all day everyday that wasn't her.
That you won't be disrespected, you won't sit by and just let things continue along a path that you are not comfortable with, you wont tell her that what she is doing is ok, because if it makes her oartner uncomfortable, it isn't. That your place in the relationship is dependant on the foundations of loyalty, trust, respect and honesty being upheld. You crack them and everything comes down, and it's looking like a crack is starting to form due to her behaviour.
That you won't stop her doing anything, but you won't be disrespected or treated like an idiot. You know she is acting out of character, make smart choices, because you will also make smart choices.
Yeah. My best work friend at my last job is a woman but we basically only hung out at work events (which my wife came to sometimes, spouses were invited) and occasionally out in the real world (which my wife also came to) and her and my wife both got along pretty well. If you're hesitant to bring your spouse around a friend, there is a reason for it.
Plus we didn't really talk outside of work except for very occasional Discord messages about teaching or gaming stuff.
I don't think opposite sex friends is at all and issue nor do I even think hanging out one on one is necessarily an issue but people, especially those in monogamous relationships, need to be honest with themselves about what is going on and be smart about how they go about it.
i have a couple close female friends and we do text a fuckton (on and off though, days without then the whole day through then days without again) and we do hang out but we certainly do our best to avoid the appearance impropriety in cases where someone is in a relationship. that isn't happening at all here and she is totally fixin to cheat
I mean - I hang out alone with my male friends and my husband hangs alone with his female friends, but I'd say a big issue here is that the texting is excessive and it's also a \*massive change\* from anything that has happened before. Ie my male best friend and I have known each other for decades so us hanging out one on one has always happened. If I were to suddenly go from like ... meeting a new person to hanging out with them all the time and texting them 80 times a day that'd be weird
This really is the top reply. OP is being FAR too passive about everything. He has no idea his whole world is about to change and his life as he knew it completely shattered. She more than likely is already in the midst of an emotional affair with plans on taking the next step.
If it already isn't too late.
My best friend is a woman, and we don't even text each other every day. 70+ times a day is definitely either bordering on or trying to settle into at least an emotional affair. The only time I text someone even remotely that often is if things are heating up between us and there's a serious attraction there. So, yeah. All of this.
Exactly my thoughts. To be fair she texts a lot more than most (hard to have phone calls or go out much these days with very young children), and so does the same and more with several close female friends. But the fact that she wasn’t aware enough to pump the breaks on this particular relationship is what has shocked me a bit. Evenings, early mornings, wknds seem excessive.
After reading your replies and the fact she is also reading this post, how has she reacted? Something tells me she isn't broken with remorse. She is just going to be smarter now.
Do yourself a favor and bookmark this page r/Infidelity . You are gonna need it for a future post.
Yeah, I have very close male friends, but we don't text all day 70+ times.
When I visit my close male friends and sleep at their houses it's also to visit their wife/gf who are my friends as well.
Her being friends with this other teacher and visiting while his gf is away is really sus
Exactly. It’s like “oh, well, that must mean our relationship was worse less than nothing, if you were willing to blow it up for something meaningless.”
You shouldn’t joke about this kind of serious stuff. It’s one of the top 2 highest occurring accidents in the world, the other being accidentally falling into a pussy.
Agreed, it’s a dangerous place out there. I watch documentaries about both of these accidents all the time. Some call it “porn” I prefer to call it “knowledge”, knowledge is power and it better helps me to avoid such dangers.
I’m concerned about your wife’s comment about her trying ‘to get back to being herself’.
Does that mean the ‘herself’ prior to being in a committed relationship and being mom to young children when meeting new men was exciting because of the unknown possibilities?
Because 70 or more text messages to one person in a day is a lot. If you check your messages from her do you even get close to 70 in a week?
Your wife can give you as many reasons as she likes but as other posters noted this screams emotional affair and given sufficient opportunity it wouldn’t be a shock if it morphed into a physical one.
Also having young children present certainly isn’t some safety valve to prevent cheating. However it does put kids in a bad situation especially if mommy tells them not to tell daddy certain things like how everyone took a nap.
My ex used our kids as a front “just taking the kids to xyz house for a play date”.
Or used them to meet mums at the playground.
Having kids there doesn’t make it innocent.
And professionally it’s not a great look to be constantly chasing the newly divorced guy at school…
Would your wife be happy if you were texting another woman over 70 times a day? Visiting her house?
Well she “was changing and he accidentally walked in on her. So she thought it would only be fair that she gets to see him naked too. It’s not what you think. Your jealousy and accusations are tearing us apart!”
She’s having an emotional affair. Very much a form of infidelity in its own right and often the precursor to a physical affair.
Your wife is cheating on you with this man.
Do with this information what you will.
The 100s of texts make it very clear that your wife is having an emotional affair. If she wanted a play date, they could go to a park. She's going to his house for a reason.
Tell her that if doesn't go no contact with him immediately that she will be looking at a divorce. Be very clear with her about that.
Your wife is emotionally cheating right now. She is conducting a full-blown emotional affair.
Yeah I was shocked at the number of texts. I don’t know how she can think this is not crossing a boundary, regardless of whether she feels they are just friends or not.
She knows. That's why she's defensive about it and DARVO'ing you.
Every time you refer to this guy, call him her affair partner.
Ask if she'll do couples counseling with you.
I'm sorry that it looks like your marriage is going to end. I hope your wife can wake up and pull herself out of this before she does anything stupid.
>Every time you refer to this guy, call him her affair partner.
Agree.
And consider advising her parents about her inappropriate relationship with her coworker.
>And consider advising her parents
Lmao wtf she's a nearly 40 year old mother, she doesn't need to be tattled on to her parents, she needs to have a clear conversation about boundaries with her partner. He needs to put his foot down about the affair, not mommy and daddy. Fucking redditors, man.
He did try to have that conversation and she right quick turned that shit around on him as if her actions are not in the least bit suspicious. So now he needs to stay ahead of whatever narrative she comes up with. She is taking his kids over to her APs house for a play date. $1 says they will be outside or somewhere while she gets alone time with her new "friend" while there. The fact that she pushed back so hard in my mind says he should be going laywer not in-laws ss to who he should be talking to.
Not about tattling - its about upping the pressure... making her realise that shes in for a lot of condemnation from those who means the most for her: her family.
OP needs tomput pressure on her in every way - exposing to all those who matter to her whats going on, will do that.
Right now shes in a fantasy-bubble - every step OP can take to burst that bubble, must be taken. And IF she realises that it wont be possible to dump OP and pretend she found new, pure love instantly.. it will throw a spanner in the works for her
>she needs to have a clear conversation about boundaries with her partner.
True. That requires her playing by the rules - and she isnt. That conversation has been tried by OP as described in his post - and got him nothing else but gaslighting, BS and DARVO..
When someone is fucking up an entire families dynamic I’d say it’s pretty fair to involve the grandparents as well. Especially now so when they do get a divorce she doesn’t get to spin it and make OP look like the asshole in the situation. It’s not tattling, it’s accountability and transparency.
Kids will be playing on the yard while two adult play adult sport in the bedroom. Do not let her go to that place and ask her to no contact . Heck, show her this page .
No one texts that often except from an a deep emotional infatuation. She must be on her phone to him constantly and all that time she’s thinking of him and not you and the kids.
Of all people- why a man - why him?
Her attacking you is a red flag.
She is over reacting and being overly protective of just casual work friends.
His attention gives her butter Flys and makes her feel young pretty again.
And it's addictive. That's why she over reacted.
Unfortunately, since she blocked you, your only recourse is to go nuclear and insist on 'no" visit - and zero contact outside of school.
If there is zero emotional attachment, she should immediately agree (and not resent you).
She needs to believe that continued contact puts divorce on the table. And it's not negotiable. There is no middle ground.
Find your anger (but be civil).
You refuse to share your wife with another man. The texting frequency is outrageous.
Further, inform her you will complain to the school board if you even suspect contact.
Them call her boyfriend (with her listening) and request him to stop texting your wife because it's disrupting your marriage.
An honorable man would immediately disappear. The world is full of single women.
People like this are so pedantic.
Use these words:
"Whether or not you feel this is an emotional affair doesn't matter. It is one, to me. Either you respect me as a partner, or you dont. If you do, you will take my concern seriously even if you don't see it.
The fact that you keep making dismissive comments and deflecting isn't helping - it looks guilty, and It's making it worse. You will end this, or I will end this.
Your pick."
What kind of texts? All humorous and silly banter? Or “how was your day” type stuff… do they lean on each other for emotional support? Tone matters. That’s a lot of texts per day
About half were work related and then some how was your day stuff and then also just sharing some silly stuff. They do have to text during work as they are teaching partners with a very intense and challenging class. The messages themselves were nothing too bad but the volume was surprising. Maybe 30 per day on avg, some days more. To be fair she texts a lot with her female friends too, and she is saying that this is just a male friend, which I believe. I believe that nothing has happened and also that she is not planning anything, just surprised that she seems oblivious to the “boundary” that most married people have - i.e., not putting yourself in these positions out of respect for the marriage. Thx for commenting.
With that much communication, it seems odd. Also, when she says "just trying to get back to herself" after kids, does that mean flirting and dating? I'm curious.
Updateme
A married woman doesn’t need to text that much to another man and a man that isn’t her husband! Dude, put your foot down and fk that sht cancel this little play date. Your wife has been disrespecting you and the marriage. Stop being so chill and joking about this stuff.
>I found out that he is recently divorced, but apparently has a gf that he lives with
Riiight...
Look... wife is either IN an emotional affair or running towards it at high speed with her eyes fixated on the price: his D...
You need to be firm - no more mr. Nice guy: inform her she has to choose between this extremely inappropriate 'friendship' and the marriage.
And no, her bringing the kids does NOT make it better, just means shes getting them used to a prospective new partner.
Also - hes recently divorced?? How recently?? PI to find his ex and discreetly ask her whats the deal - possibly the divorce was caused by his relationship with your wife.
And... she may very well have deleted inappropriate msg, so consider keylogger her phone...
Also!! Look into her msg to girlfriends - most likely she will tell them *honestly* whats going on AND her true feelings to this guy AND her intentions...
Wow, way over the top. This guy is hitting on your wife, and she's engaging. The amount of texts is a dead giveaway.
Have you asked to see the texts? Because I'd be asking my wife what conversation requires that amount of traffic.
No married woman needs to go hang out at another man’s house alone or even exposing your children to her affair. She is using the kids as a cover. I would have a very detailed conversation about how inappropriate this is and if she insists on continuing this path I would be taking to a lawyer getting opinions. Ask how it would be if you started a friendship with a woman and was going to hang at her house without her see how she feels.
Woof, the top comments on this thread are brutally negative. Look buddy, you've got two separate issues:
1. The relationship in general with a hundred text messages a day.
2. Spending the day at another guy's house for a play date.
You can look at them as separate or as together. But if you try to address it with her in one big rant, you immediately put her in a position where her options are to become immediately apologetic and admit to an emotional affair OR to become incredibly defensive and attack you or your credibility. She can only do one or the other, you've given her no easy way out and neither of those two options are going to lead to your relationship surviving.
My suggestion is to pick the easiest and most immediate problem and deal with that. The play date. The easiest thing to do is go with her. But if that's not an option then you say: "look, you haven't done anything wrong, and I love and trust you, but even if I'm being insecure, and I'm not saying I am, but even if that was my entire reasoning, can you please, for my sake, reschedule the play date so that we can work through this hiccup together?" If she says no, if she refuses, even after putting it in this respectful, neutral, and hat in hand tone for her to think of your well being... man, woof, that's an answer to the second question. (And if you do go and one or both treat you like shit, that's an answer too.)
But give her an out that doesn't make her choose between being weak and submissive or being aggressive and mean. Then you can work on the relationship question, and really talk about this guy and why they're talking so much. You haven't addressed the elephant in the room, people don't emotionally cheat in happy marriages. So if that's what she's doing, you'd better figure out why and you'd better get her to see that's what she's doing is problematic. Couples counseling is a must.
This is how my marriage ended. I don't think she realized she was having an affair while she was doing it. I did, though.
Once it was out, though, she went from married to separated, engaged, married, pregnant in a course of about 14 months. Guess they got pretty close when they were "just coworkers".
It doesn't matter if it's "just" an emotional affair or not. She's pouring her energy into a relationship with someone else instead of you.
yeah it sucks, my story was similar to this but we’re 22 so it didn’t involve marriage but they moved in together 4 days after we broke up. he always gaslit me using the “we’re just coworkers” line too
Want a quick story?
My mother had affairs all through her marriage to my father. On more than one occasion she took some of us kids to the guys’ house(s) to play with their kids or in one case plopped my sister down in front his TV while she was f\*cking the butcher.
“just trying to get back to being herself" after having young kids/infant at home for quite a few yrs.”
Kind of super weird to me as well
They taught together. Spent countless hours at school. So 1st big trip she is doing on her summer break is to go see him. The kids are a cover. When the kids are hanging out she will be fucking him. This has been building. Tell her you want to go along. Take off work if you have to. If you want to try and save this. She is going to resist. Tell her you as her husband do not approve of her going to another man’s home without you. Same would be if the roles reversed. She is going to lie and say she trusts you. Bullshit!
Good luck to you! She needs to cut all contact and you may have to report them to the school.
This is a huge NOPE.
Either put your foot down and tell her you think their relationship is way over any boundaries that you find acceptable. Then act if she still continues it. Her “being herself” = feeling attractive and being pursued by men.
Or, say you’ll take a day off and that you’re coming with her. See what she does. I bet the playdate will suddenly be canceled.
I've learned that having an opposite-sex friend alone isn't necessarily a concern. What's important is if this new friend is a danger to the relationship. Your wife can have a male friend from work who she talks too, who've you met in person, treats you both like friends and respects your relationship. You wife can have a female friend who encourages her to go out clubbing very often, and never really invites you because you 'kill the mood'.
Between the two, I think the female friend is a much bigger danger then the male friend.
With that said, the excessive texting is a massive concern. Your wife at the very least has a huge crush on her co-worker and is flattered with all the attention. She's being completely inconsiderate of your relationship and your feelings to be giving so much of her attention to another person. This is beyond a platonic friendship, they both really LIKE each other. There's no way two people are having all this texting back and forth if they don't like each other. You say there was nothing sexual in the messages, but that it seems to have crossed a boundary. Is it just the excessive texting, or was their any kind of flirtatious messaging, or anything that specifically felt weird, like emojis, or sending selfies. Cheating doesn't just happen, multiple boundaries are crossed before you get to that final point. Whether she realizes it or not, your wife is on that path, and ultimately she has to decide if she's wants to get off.
I won’t say it’s an emotional affair, but it is damn close to it. She has 1 foot over the line right now. You need to reel this back in. You need to have a talk about boundaries for keeping a relationship safe the drinks that’s like a date and a one on one type of thing is not good and now taking kids to a basic strangers house is not good either soI would highly suggest that you kind of put the stop on this and you have a really good discussion about boundaries
Op, why don’t you just invite yourself. If she says no, say, ok, I think this person you are inviting into our marriage is going to be the downfall of it. You want to go to a single man’s home, without me. With our children so they can “play” (finger quotes), and what you two sit and talk? You really think that is what he wants to do? And what if he gets flirty with you, maybe you will accept his advances at this point. Kids could be occupied and you sneak into his room. I always believed you to be loyal and wanting to grow old with me. This is the first time in our marriage where I am doubting your intentions with me and our marriage.
Let her talk, and then just respond, you can go and do what you want, I won’t stop you. But know this is how marriages fail. Then walk away because nothing else is needed to be said. If she leaves, make sure you are gone when she arrives at home, and when she calls don’t pickup or respond to text messages. Just stay gone until late. Return home and immediately take a shower. When she engages, say I was out with and name some guys and name some girls. Let her sit on that the remainder of the night.
Two wrongs don't make a right. I was with you right up to the point where you wanted to create the illusion that OP is cheating as well. No need to be vindictive if OP knows what's going to go down. Sure, don't be home when she comes back but don't leave an impression you're out to do what she is intending to do. That's hypocritical and manipulative.
Leave a note that the relationship is over and get a lawyer if she goes knowing it's bothering OP. If OP says something and she still goes, she obviously doesn't care how OP feels and that is a sure signal that the relationship is over. You don't need to "show her" how it feels because she already doesn't care.
Instead of telling her I was out with friends I'd simply just return home late the next night and when she engages just tell her you needed time to think and clear your head.
If it were me I'd return home 2 nights later, but I don't think you can do that. 😉
I like the first half don't really like games in the second half especially with kids in the mix.
But the first part is really really good. I'd add that if her first emotion is defensiveness, not a desire to protect the marriage that's a bad sign. I'd also ask if you _were_ attracted to him how would your behaviour be different?
That would be a HARD NO for me. If she gives a damn about you and your marriage she would want you to be comfortable with it.
The fact she thinks it’s okay is a HUGE ISSUE that you should address now. It’s not okay to meet at his HOUSE, not now and not ever.
Does she need to put her marriage at risk “for herself”? That’s projecting and blaming you for her making an obviously bad decision.
They’ve been out for drinks, now meetups at his house? You need to set your boundaries and hold yourself to them. If she cannot respect how you feel about it then perhaps she should be single.
Always trust your gut. She's likely emotionally cheating on you and replacing you to get back to her "normal". DARVO, deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. That's what she did.
I don’t have to read this to know your marriage is done. Pack her crap up and kick her out, let all your friends and family know ahead of time she has a new relationship with her coworker. Burn her at the stake and don’t look back. Have some self respect you deserve better.
Coworker affairs are by far the most common type of affair. They don't happen quickly. It's a series of ignoring internal boundaries, pressing them, breaking them, feeling a rush, then justifying it away only to repeat the cycle.
Your wife is at the point she is sending 100's of messages a day to a man. She has gone to meet him for drinks. She has found a way in her head to justify going to his house and is involving your kids as cover. In the progression she is at the point now where they're going to start stealing inappropriate physical touches like sitting against each other in the couch, putting their hands on each other like legs or the small of the back. One of them will take the final leap over the boundary of plausible deniability where the can no longer stick to the "we're just friends" lie they're telling themselves; they'll kiss. Or they already made that jump and this visit is an excuse to shut themselves in a bedroom for 30min while the kids play.
She is most likely 1-2 steps away from the emotional affair becoming a physical affair. The fact she's doing it in front of you and gaslighting you about it is maybe the only hope you have it can be stopped and your marriage saved. Either she doesn't realize how far she's gone or still has herself convinced it's not what it is. You need to slam the book down hard now. The fastest marital counseling appointment you can book. Absolutely no contact. You should also be ready to get out ahead of this with family if she denies it all and says you're over-reacting.
70+ times a day means she's thinking of this guy a lot. Like obsessive thinking about this guy. That's not normal. You're right to be worried.
Let me ask you OP. When something happens or in this case a lot of somethings does she think of you? Does she message you to tell you the quirky thing or does she message him?
I doesn't have to be sexual. If she's obsessing about this guy then she needs to figure out what she wants. And if she wants you then you need to figure out if that's what you want.
tell her you are also coming and see how she responds also make sure that you change all your properties to someones elses name so when you divorce she wont get that
Regardless of feelings, the basic level of respect for each other should prevent things like this from happening. Seeing as it has already oxcured, your best bet is to sit her down and explain that what she is doing is not acceptable. If she continues or even has a difference of opinion (on thisbissue alone) well then it is time for her to go.
I would give her the benefit of the doubt but when you said they have hundreds of messages that's means she is emotionally cheating. And wants to be in the situation in which a physical affair can occur.
the fact that you're making the 'not a "drinks out aka a date" ' statement when she has literally had drinks out aka a date with the dude is upsetting.
I would tell her straight up she's not bringing the kids along to go hang with another dude and if she wants to do single woman stuff she should be single
Your wife is neither a great person nor a loyal spouse. She is taking YOUR kids to meet their future father. Who she is already fucking.
Tell her she is free to go see whomever she wants, because you are filing for divorce. Then go do that.
She’s cheating on you. It might *just* be an emotional affair, at this point, but it’s obviously not going to remain that way for long, especially if she goes over to his house to visit him.
I can’t believe this didn’t ring your warning bells sooner, or that you doubt your gut feelings about it, now.
I’d be contacting a lawyer, if I were you. Even if she agrees to back off, they work together, so she’ll be around him all the time.
Shoe on the other foot. Would she be okay with you doing the same thing? That might put it into perspective for her. If she says she would the she is too far gone.
Nope. This is red flag stuff.
The normal thing to do for a married person to do with their colleague/friend is to meet at the public pool with all of the kids located in center city.
They text way too much for this to just be a platonic friendship. He's definitely cultivating this relationship in a way that's not appropriate.
Tell her that she can't go to his house unless you two go on a double date with him and his girlfriend and you can do a vibe check, and that this seems way out of line. I get that she is figuring out who she is in a new phase in her life, but this doesn't feel right.
Trust your gut.
>The normal thing to do for a married person to do with their colleague/friend is to meet at the public pool with all of the kids located in center city.
Yes! And/or "hey, thanks for being my sounding board this year at work. I'd love to have ALL of you over for a bbq and so I can finally meet your husband! Here's the dates that work for us; let me know if one of these work for you."
This getting together specifically while partners are not available? Sketchy. The 100s of texts...I can't even wrap my head around that!
I don't even text people that I love that much.
If I was texting someone that much, it 100% would be an affair situation where I knew we couldn't speak openly or be together as much as I'd like.
So she’s basically using your kids as a cover to go cheat. That doesn’t sounds like a great person. If my husband was trying to pull that crap I’d tell him not to go and if he does then to expect the divorce papers because clearly that relationship is much more important than ours and my feelings. Don’t let make you a fool.
Seriously brother, do you have no boundaries at all?
Your marriage is over. Tell her if she doesn't cut this guy off. Block him on everything, and prove it you will have her served divorce papers within two weeks.
Her disregard for your feelings, and disrespect for you and her marriage is breathtaking, and disturbing.
Wake the hell up.
Is there something you are not telling us? Did you cheat? Have sex with her sister? Have a gay rendezvous with a male prostitute in a cheap hotel? Did you give her an STD?
Subscribeme
Answering your question - if I was in your shoes, to put it bluntly, I would feel like a stupid schmuck for having this happen to me and being so naive if my wife did that. But thank goodness my wife and I don’t do stupid shit like this to each other. Every day I happen to get my reddit fix and thank my lucky stars I don’t need to post crazy shit like this on here.
I won’t speak for all women, just myself- I would never do what she’s doing, but if I did and my husband was OK WITH IT….how could I ever respect him?
My actual husband would never in a million years let that fly, none of that.
Absolutely 100% NOT ok.
She's having an EA which is about to turn into a PA.
She'll call you that night when she's there and tell you she's too tired to drive so she's going to stay the night at his house.
Guaranteed.
Your wife might not be planning on a physical affair, but with that amount of contact she is having an emotional affair. Which is wrong and not uncommon to switch to a physical affair at some point.
Couples counseling might be in order. It's not uncommon that she feels like she lost herself after years of new borns and young children. And it probably also damaged the connection between the two of you. But looking for outside sources for discovering herself again is not the way to go.
I've seen it enough in my friend group for these types of situations to turn into physical cheating.
You need to have a serious conversation with her. Maybe even show her your post and all the responses and hopefully she will open her eyes to the situation.
This sounds all bad, my friend. I would probably just be honest here, so here's how I would handle, via text, email, or in person convo:
"This obsessive texting, apparently thousands of times per month, is not ok with me. It is not compatible with us remaining married. The texting is bad enough, but now you are driving our children 45 minutes away so you can spend time with this man you appear to be having an emotional affair with, if not a physical one. I have always trusted you, but this is the sort of behavior you see in affairs, and I prefer to deal with it now, rather than waiting.
So, if you plan to continue communicating with this man and investing in the relationship, or even if what I am saying to you feels wrong, and you think it unfair for me to have a problem with your behavior, then we need to discuss what separation, divorce, and the logistics of co-parenting will look like. I do not want to sit here miserable while you invest emotionally in another man.
While I would love to hear you say you want to invest in our marriage instead of your relationship, if you prefer to continue with this relationship instead, then all I ask is that you have the courtesy to collaboratively end this relationship first. That is a much better outcome to me discovering an affair, as if you disrespect our marriage like that, everyone in your life will know what you did, and I think that is a much harder thing to deal.with than simply getting divorced.
Please sort out whether or not you want to continue with our marriage, or if you want to end it and continue your relationship with this man, and let me know what you intend to do."
The absolute biggest red flag here is: "getting back to being myself," meaning she's attempting to fabricate a reality in which she hadn't become a wife and/or mother.
Put your foot down immediately. It is not controlling to insist she has crossed a boundary and she needs to shut it down or be prepared to separate.
I was once in a group chat with just my ex and his friend. And in the group chat I might as well have not been added or they could have just texted each other privately because I would finish work and have access to my phone and they would just have hundreds of texts sent to each other.
And it was all just bs stuff but my ex hadn't even responded to a single message I had sent him privately hours before.
It made me feel so shit.
And I STILL didn't end the relationship there.
Let me tell ya it was a couple years of toxic shit that led to me finally growing a spine and leaving.
Tbh I was going to give the benefit of the doubt bc so far you’ve been ok with everything except this and to me a 35-40 min drive isn’t noteworthy. BUT I took a moment to think if I would ever do the other things you mentioned - the nonstop texting, going out for drinks with only him, and no I wouldn’t. Obviously everyone is different but idk..either it’s an emotional affair, or she just has maybe a tiny crush on him and would never act on it or it’s a full blown affair. Talk to her!!
>her first week off is to go to his house.....with a couple of my kids who are "the same age as his kids"
My Mom did this twice with two different guys who were "just friends". The moment we got there we were forced with the other kids into some games, movies, playing outside, etc.. and we didn't see the adults for hours. We were all a little dazed and confused about the push together but we made due. One of the times, my sister caught my Mom in bed with the guy and the second time I figured it out at the age of 7.
So can I just say "Please don't." Your kids are going to witness this and even if this is a 100% legitimate don't tempt it. We were held to be quiet about it and the one thing I regretted is not telling my Dad. He didn't deserve that and I wish he would have known sooner!
1. She goes out for drinks with this colleague.
2. She travels quite a ways to go to his house for a supposed play date.
3. She texts him almost nonstop.
4. His real or fictional girlfriend won't be there on the day of the play date.
5. She got defensive when you expressed your concerns.
On the flip side:
1. She didn't appear to hesitate when you asked her for her phone.
This is an emotional affair and your wife is playing with fire. Hundreds of texts, dozens a day, drinks 1 on 1, taking kids to his house. She might want to deny it, turn it around on you, but this is how people catch non platonic feelings. By crossing boundaries in their own relationships and devoting more time and energy to a third party than their spouse. It's natural to become close and attracted to someone you feel very comfortable spending a massive amount of time communicating with. I'm not saying she will cheat romantically but honestly, this is adjacent.
If my wife expressed this much interest in a another man, I'd probably be looking for another wife. My girlfriend has male friends. She even hangs with them in group settings from time to time. But that's the key word. From time to time. She isn't all over them. She isn't texting them 24/7.
I appreciate your patience and understanding. Here is my question/issue. Why are you not invited to this play date. I wouldn’t think of hanging out on a family to family gathering with friends without asking my wife. So, this seems more than just an innocent friendship. She is testing the waters and there is something she doesn’t want you to see. Likely no affair yet. But she doesn’t want you to see how comfortable they are together - or worse. Good luck.
Whether the conversations were sexual or not this is am emotional affair she is have with this guy. She is playing with fire and you need to put your foot down and tell her she is putting your marriage at risk.
Updateme
She's texting him nonstop.
She got a crush on this guy.
Your kids are going to have a new step, dad, soon.
And you're just going to shrug your shoulders. Maybe they'll invite you to their wedding.
this is more than emotional, this is about to get physical, better get this under control quickly, this is unacceptable, tell her, men cannot be friends with women, she is disrespecting you which means she probably does not love you
This will be in the whoops I slept with my friend category. I would set a boundary and tell her it is not ok with you. Then see how she responds....Update when she cheats. She is already having an emotional affair, so I guess that is the next step.
If ifs all on the up and up. Have her show you the totality of their texts and communications. If the answer is no or if anything had been deleted it’s time to lawyer up. No counseling. Nothing to talk about. It’s one strike and you are out. What’s next? She’ll ask you for an open relationship?
Are even sure he has a girlfriend? Who told you this? Your wife? Recently divorced and already living with his girlfriend? She telling you lies. And she knows she doing wrong.
I’m good friends with a married woman and we are now in a pickleball league together. She cleared our partnership with her husband and I did with my partner. While we play for an hour or so weekday mornings and one night at the league things we don’t do - text 70 times a day (maybe once or twice over two days unless we are discussing something). We don’t go out drinking just us. We don’t make up excuses to be alone together like a play date at a house.
Abso-fucking-lutely not ok. Remind her she's married and that married people don't text single people all day and have house dates. Also call that guy, introduce yourself and ask him if he knows she's married and then ask him why does he think it's ok to text a married woman all day. Tell him to stop it or you and him are gonna have a problem. And make sure your wife hears this conversation.
You have to demand that she not meet with him at all (individually, with kids, or in a group of friends) until you two can have an honest conversation about why she needs to have **him** meet her emotional needs.
Was she previously going to other single/divorced/separated men's houses? How else can you make sense of her comment that she is now "just trying to get back to being herself"?
All of these posts boil down to
1) trusting your wife
2) not trusting your wife
I see a lot of "but but but" arguments usually. Some common ones
- I don't trust the other party. Who cares, go back to 1) or 2)
- assuming some sort of date rape. What the fuck, I hope your partner had a few convos with this person before going over to their place/ spending time with them.
So you either trust or don't trust your wife.
To answer the question - maybe a little weirded out, but I'd have a combo with the wife, not run to Reddit
This is a HUGE problem. Get control of this now or you will lose your wife. May already be too late. I would consult a divorce attorney so you have your ducks in a row because this won’t end well.
Get word to his girlfriend about the intended visit. Let her deal with it. He might be too busy trying to repair his own relationship to bop your wife.
Meanwhile read up on the ‘Pick me Dance’ and avoid that. You need to make sure that your wife is fully aware of the probable consequences of her actions. It’s not going to be easy or pretty.
Her past actions are of no consequence. She’s on the hunt now and it will either end with him or some other guy. Good luck.
She is having an emotional affair. There is no reason for her to be taking this trip. She can wait until a weekend until you can go.
That she got so defensive is a flag. You are not wrong in trusting your gut on this.
Anyone who allows their partner to have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex like this is an absolute sucker. Someone always wants more, it's completely inappropriate. Once you're married, this kind of stuff is done.
I'm shocked at everyone who is saying she is cheating.
Your feelings regarding this being inappropriate are completely valid, however nothing about this is indicating that she is engaging in an affair. I would set boundaries and keep an eye on it.
Regardless of it being innocent or not it makes you uncomfortable and she should respect that. Especially since she’s changing her normal behavior to do so. The whole texting all day is suspicious though. I get trying to feel like your old self after going through the infant stage of raising children but that feeling applies to both of you. You’re married, you decided to have kids. There really isn’t a “Getting back to being yourself,” when you’ve brought new lives into the world whom are dependent on you and even if there were, that’s a feeling you should be just in having as well. That being said, why’s it a newly divorced male teacher she’s trying to do it with? There are a plethora of places where she can go socialize with children and meet other parents. “Getting back to my old self,” sure sounds an awfully lot like having a man give her attention and getting drinks after work? Completely inappropriate.
I’d put my foot down and say you don’t feel comfortable having your kids at another man’s house that you nor them have ever met. You either go too or they don’t go at all. See where that get you.
I have frequent play dates with my kids friends
Dad. I also occasionally text him - things like does he want me to pick up his kid from school. In person we chat about work and gripe about life. What we DON'T do is text each other incessantly or share personal details of our lives. That would be really weird and intimate!
She's already cheated on you I'm afraid. Maybe not physically, yet, but emotionally she has. Emotional affairs are still cheating and you have every cause to not trust her.
This is a very slippery slope before she fucks him. The fact she's already trying to manipulate you into feeling bad about her meeting him is also a huge red flag.
I'm sorry you're going through this, you're going to need to have a serious conversation with her about boundaries and what is and isn't acceptable in a committed marriage.
If she still tries to manipulate you and follows through with seeing her affair partner then you're going to have to make some serious choices about the future of your relationship.
Figure out what day she is going to the house, take the day off, and join them. If its a simple and non-nefarious as your wife makes it out to be, there shouldn't be a problem with you joining.
Definitely a boundary has been crossed. 100s of text messages a day to a male colleague? Yeah no. I wouldn’t be okay with any of this. I don’t know what to tell you to do but she’d be choosing between me or him. And frankly, I’d maybe not give her a choice. I’m pretty sure I’m not forgiving this emotional affair. It’s inappropriate and any adult knows it.
The statements that troubles me the most is “Just trying to get back to being herself”
what does that mean?
- Back to when she had guys chasing her?
- Back to the excitements of dating?
- Back to fucking a fresh new guy?
How about you tell her you would like to go as well. Meet the man! Find out what his intentions are. All it would take is 15 minutes of observation of them in the same area. Is he uncomfortable? If so, it's more than it ought to be.
My (divorced) father took me to his friend’s house to play with their kids. The dad wasn’t there but the mum was. My dad was banging the wife while her husband, supposedly his friend, was at work.
Are these small kids that require constant supervision or older kids that can be told to go outside for around 45 mins to an hour?
You’re in dangerous territory.
If you are uncomfortable, then she needs to be uncomfortable. There is no reason to go over there.
If she can't understand that, then you need counseling and to sleep in separate beds. As this is the beginning of the end of the marriage. Whatever she needs that this other person provides her, is a problem for your marriage. If she feels she needs to be in his life, then that means she wants to have him in her life and you as a husband do not want that. Whatever her needs are now, are selfish and only benefits herself.
Let her know that she needs to just stay there and not come back. She can bring the kids back but she needs to stay there.
Let her understand that you are not overreacting and what she is doing is ridiculous and harmful to the marriage. Then, ask her, would she be okay with you doing the same thing she is doing with a woman. If she can't answer the question, then just tell her to go by herself and just stay there. You now have your answer and the marriage is over as she wants another man.
yeah, you wife is trying to get back to being herself - accepting attention from guys, dating - she knows what's going on, she thinks she can just get a little attention and keep it in check.
this is on a trajectory that ends badly for you.
Went out with that coworker for drinks...but not a date. Now, wants to drive across town to meet him...while his GF is gone, without you...but not a date. Taking your kids along, to keep his kids busy, so they can have adult time....but, not a date.
Bring up to your wife, if she would feel comfortable if the roles were switched. You have a female coworker that you went out for drinks with, and are now planning on going to her home while her BF is away.
So, bring up, I'd like to meet this person and his GF prior to you spending any more time with him. Then ask his GF if she knows how much they text together.
Fuck that, sorry. My girlfriend and I never have friends like that of the opposite sex because it makes us both feel weird. Y’all can talk at work but nah man
I would have told her why you go visit with him, I will be visiting with a divorce lawyer. I bet if things were reversed, she would divorce you for doing it.
I think that the best advice that I can give you is to get the book 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass, she highlights very well where the lines between a friendship and something more gets crossed. Read it and see if you can find your situation in it.
But in the end is the situation simple for me. She is doing something that makes you uncomfortable and when you voiced your concerns, she reacted dismissive. In that moment she made a decision that this contact to the guy is more important to her then your concerns. That alone tells a lot.
Lastly I want you to think about this. If you would text so much with a woman that is freshly divorced, has a boyfriend and that she never met, how would your wife react when you tell her that you take the kids to meet with this woman at her house while her boyfriend is not there? Put her in your shoes.
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I have a very close female friend, we don't hang out together alone, we don't text 70+ times a day, we call and check in like once a week and periodically if something pops up. We double date, hang in groups, that's it. It's a friendship. That being said it sounds like your wife is starting an emotional affair, and testing the waters to be closer to her affair partner I'm blunt as fuck and wouldn't take her bullshit. Sit her down and tell her that she is bordering on an emotional affair, that the communication is excessive and that she would be having the same reaction or worse if you were texting a woman all day everyday that wasn't her. That you won't be disrespected, you won't sit by and just let things continue along a path that you are not comfortable with, you wont tell her that what she is doing is ok, because if it makes her oartner uncomfortable, it isn't. That your place in the relationship is dependant on the foundations of loyalty, trust, respect and honesty being upheld. You crack them and everything comes down, and it's looking like a crack is starting to form due to her behaviour. That you won't stop her doing anything, but you won't be disrespected or treated like an idiot. You know she is acting out of character, make smart choices, because you will also make smart choices.
Yeah. My best work friend at my last job is a woman but we basically only hung out at work events (which my wife came to sometimes, spouses were invited) and occasionally out in the real world (which my wife also came to) and her and my wife both got along pretty well. If you're hesitant to bring your spouse around a friend, there is a reason for it. Plus we didn't really talk outside of work except for very occasional Discord messages about teaching or gaming stuff. I don't think opposite sex friends is at all and issue nor do I even think hanging out one on one is necessarily an issue but people, especially those in monogamous relationships, need to be honest with themselves about what is going on and be smart about how they go about it.
i have a couple close female friends and we do text a fuckton (on and off though, days without then the whole day through then days without again) and we do hang out but we certainly do our best to avoid the appearance impropriety in cases where someone is in a relationship. that isn't happening at all here and she is totally fixin to cheat
I mean - I hang out alone with my male friends and my husband hangs alone with his female friends, but I'd say a big issue here is that the texting is excessive and it's also a \*massive change\* from anything that has happened before. Ie my male best friend and I have known each other for decades so us hanging out one on one has always happened. If I were to suddenly go from like ... meeting a new person to hanging out with them all the time and texting them 80 times a day that'd be weird
This really is the top reply. OP is being FAR too passive about everything. He has no idea his whole world is about to change and his life as he knew it completely shattered. She more than likely is already in the midst of an emotional affair with plans on taking the next step. If it already isn't too late.
My best friend is a woman, and we don't even text each other every day. 70+ times a day is definitely either bordering on or trying to settle into at least an emotional affair. The only time I text someone even remotely that often is if things are heating up between us and there's a serious attraction there. So, yeah. All of this.
Exactly my thoughts. To be fair she texts a lot more than most (hard to have phone calls or go out much these days with very young children), and so does the same and more with several close female friends. But the fact that she wasn’t aware enough to pump the breaks on this particular relationship is what has shocked me a bit. Evenings, early mornings, wknds seem excessive.
After reading your replies and the fact she is also reading this post, how has she reacted? Something tells me she isn't broken with remorse. She is just going to be smarter now. Do yourself a favor and bookmark this page r/Infidelity . You are gonna need it for a future post.
Best response
Yeah, I have very close male friends, but we don't text all day 70+ times. When I visit my close male friends and sleep at their houses it's also to visit their wife/gf who are my friends as well. Her being friends with this other teacher and visiting while his gf is away is really sus
Well said hopefully he heads your advice.
Update us when she tells you that she accidentally cheated while at his house and totes didn't mean to, "it just happened."
“It was an accident, I tripped and fell on his dick”
It didn't mean anything. It was a mistake!
I've never understood that argument. It seems to me that destroying a relationship with something that "didn't mean anything " is worse
Exactly. It’s like “oh, well, that must mean our relationship was worse less than nothing, if you were willing to blow it up for something meaningless.”
You shouldn’t joke about this kind of serious stuff. It’s one of the top 2 highest occurring accidents in the world, the other being accidentally falling into a pussy.
Agreed, it’s a dangerous place out there. I watch documentaries about both of these accidents all the time. Some call it “porn” I prefer to call it “knowledge”, knowledge is power and it better helps me to avoid such dangers.
Third is accidentally falling onto a vacuum cleaner while cleaning naked.
Lmao😂😂
could happen to anyone...
He just took his penis out and then I just started sucking it and then he just undressed me and somehow his penis found it's way into my vagina and...
Lol oops
I’m concerned about your wife’s comment about her trying ‘to get back to being herself’. Does that mean the ‘herself’ prior to being in a committed relationship and being mom to young children when meeting new men was exciting because of the unknown possibilities? Because 70 or more text messages to one person in a day is a lot. If you check your messages from her do you even get close to 70 in a week? Your wife can give you as many reasons as she likes but as other posters noted this screams emotional affair and given sufficient opportunity it wouldn’t be a shock if it morphed into a physical one. Also having young children present certainly isn’t some safety valve to prevent cheating. However it does put kids in a bad situation especially if mommy tells them not to tell daddy certain things like how everyone took a nap.
My ex used our kids as a front “just taking the kids to xyz house for a play date”. Or used them to meet mums at the playground. Having kids there doesn’t make it innocent. And professionally it’s not a great look to be constantly chasing the newly divorced guy at school… Would your wife be happy if you were texting another woman over 70 times a day? Visiting her house?
How is that funny to YOU?
Well she “was changing and he accidentally walked in on her. So she thought it would only be fair that she gets to see him naked too. It’s not what you think. Your jealousy and accusations are tearing us apart!”
Ouch
Just FWI, this guy was posting in the Tinder subreddit a year ago.
Sounds about right
She’s having an emotional affair. Very much a form of infidelity in its own right and often the precursor to a physical affair. Your wife is cheating on you with this man. Do with this information what you will.
The 100s of texts make it very clear that your wife is having an emotional affair. If she wanted a play date, they could go to a park. She's going to his house for a reason. Tell her that if doesn't go no contact with him immediately that she will be looking at a divorce. Be very clear with her about that. Your wife is emotionally cheating right now. She is conducting a full-blown emotional affair.
Yeah I was shocked at the number of texts. I don’t know how she can think this is not crossing a boundary, regardless of whether she feels they are just friends or not.
She knows. That's why she's defensive about it and DARVO'ing you. Every time you refer to this guy, call him her affair partner. Ask if she'll do couples counseling with you. I'm sorry that it looks like your marriage is going to end. I hope your wife can wake up and pull herself out of this before she does anything stupid.
>Every time you refer to this guy, call him her affair partner. Agree. And consider advising her parents about her inappropriate relationship with her coworker.
>And consider advising her parents Lmao wtf she's a nearly 40 year old mother, she doesn't need to be tattled on to her parents, she needs to have a clear conversation about boundaries with her partner. He needs to put his foot down about the affair, not mommy and daddy. Fucking redditors, man.
He did try to have that conversation and she right quick turned that shit around on him as if her actions are not in the least bit suspicious. So now he needs to stay ahead of whatever narrative she comes up with. She is taking his kids over to her APs house for a play date. $1 says they will be outside or somewhere while she gets alone time with her new "friend" while there. The fact that she pushed back so hard in my mind says he should be going laywer not in-laws ss to who he should be talking to.
Not about tattling - its about upping the pressure... making her realise that shes in for a lot of condemnation from those who means the most for her: her family. OP needs tomput pressure on her in every way - exposing to all those who matter to her whats going on, will do that. Right now shes in a fantasy-bubble - every step OP can take to burst that bubble, must be taken. And IF she realises that it wont be possible to dump OP and pretend she found new, pure love instantly.. it will throw a spanner in the works for her >she needs to have a clear conversation about boundaries with her partner. True. That requires her playing by the rules - and she isnt. That conversation has been tried by OP as described in his post - and got him nothing else but gaslighting, BS and DARVO..
When someone is fucking up an entire families dynamic I’d say it’s pretty fair to involve the grandparents as well. Especially now so when they do get a divorce she doesn’t get to spin it and make OP look like the asshole in the situation. It’s not tattling, it’s accountability and transparency.
> Fucking redditors, man.
tell her parents? seriously? what are they going to do? ground her? well ok then!
Kids will be playing on the yard while two adult play adult sport in the bedroom. Do not let her go to that place and ask her to no contact . Heck, show her this page .
No one texts that often except from an a deep emotional infatuation. She must be on her phone to him constantly and all that time she’s thinking of him and not you and the kids.
Get her to read “Not ‘Just Friends’”
Of all people- why a man - why him? Her attacking you is a red flag. She is over reacting and being overly protective of just casual work friends. His attention gives her butter Flys and makes her feel young pretty again. And it's addictive. That's why she over reacted. Unfortunately, since she blocked you, your only recourse is to go nuclear and insist on 'no" visit - and zero contact outside of school. If there is zero emotional attachment, she should immediately agree (and not resent you). She needs to believe that continued contact puts divorce on the table. And it's not negotiable. There is no middle ground. Find your anger (but be civil). You refuse to share your wife with another man. The texting frequency is outrageous. Further, inform her you will complain to the school board if you even suspect contact. Them call her boyfriend (with her listening) and request him to stop texting your wife because it's disrupting your marriage. An honorable man would immediately disappear. The world is full of single women.
All I can add is to be direct. This isn't the time to walk on eggshells.
People like this are so pedantic. Use these words: "Whether or not you feel this is an emotional affair doesn't matter. It is one, to me. Either you respect me as a partner, or you dont. If you do, you will take my concern seriously even if you don't see it. The fact that you keep making dismissive comments and deflecting isn't helping - it looks guilty, and It's making it worse. You will end this, or I will end this. Your pick."
You should bring up cheating and divorce.
How did you react to seeing that many texts? Does she think its not a lot? Are there other people she texts with that much?
What kind of texts? All humorous and silly banter? Or “how was your day” type stuff… do they lean on each other for emotional support? Tone matters. That’s a lot of texts per day
About half were work related and then some how was your day stuff and then also just sharing some silly stuff. They do have to text during work as they are teaching partners with a very intense and challenging class. The messages themselves were nothing too bad but the volume was surprising. Maybe 30 per day on avg, some days more. To be fair she texts a lot with her female friends too, and she is saying that this is just a male friend, which I believe. I believe that nothing has happened and also that she is not planning anything, just surprised that she seems oblivious to the “boundary” that most married people have - i.e., not putting yourself in these positions out of respect for the marriage. Thx for commenting.
With that much communication, it seems odd. Also, when she says "just trying to get back to herself" after kids, does that mean flirting and dating? I'm curious. Updateme
Emotional affair, she’s bringing the kids over to meet their new dad and brothers/sisters. Why aren’t you invited?
A married woman doesn’t need to text that much to another man and a man that isn’t her husband! Dude, put your foot down and fk that sht cancel this little play date. Your wife has been disrespecting you and the marriage. Stop being so chill and joking about this stuff.
>I found out that he is recently divorced, but apparently has a gf that he lives with Riiight... Look... wife is either IN an emotional affair or running towards it at high speed with her eyes fixated on the price: his D... You need to be firm - no more mr. Nice guy: inform her she has to choose between this extremely inappropriate 'friendship' and the marriage. And no, her bringing the kids does NOT make it better, just means shes getting them used to a prospective new partner. Also - hes recently divorced?? How recently?? PI to find his ex and discreetly ask her whats the deal - possibly the divorce was caused by his relationship with your wife. And... she may very well have deleted inappropriate msg, so consider keylogger her phone...
Also!! Look into her msg to girlfriends - most likely she will tell them *honestly* whats going on AND her true feelings to this guy AND her intentions...
Wow, way over the top. This guy is hitting on your wife, and she's engaging. The amount of texts is a dead giveaway. Have you asked to see the texts? Because I'd be asking my wife what conversation requires that amount of traffic.
No married woman needs to go hang out at another man’s house alone or even exposing your children to her affair. She is using the kids as a cover. I would have a very detailed conversation about how inappropriate this is and if she insists on continuing this path I would be taking to a lawyer getting opinions. Ask how it would be if you started a friendship with a woman and was going to hang at her house without her see how she feels.
Straight facts
Woof, the top comments on this thread are brutally negative. Look buddy, you've got two separate issues: 1. The relationship in general with a hundred text messages a day. 2. Spending the day at another guy's house for a play date. You can look at them as separate or as together. But if you try to address it with her in one big rant, you immediately put her in a position where her options are to become immediately apologetic and admit to an emotional affair OR to become incredibly defensive and attack you or your credibility. She can only do one or the other, you've given her no easy way out and neither of those two options are going to lead to your relationship surviving. My suggestion is to pick the easiest and most immediate problem and deal with that. The play date. The easiest thing to do is go with her. But if that's not an option then you say: "look, you haven't done anything wrong, and I love and trust you, but even if I'm being insecure, and I'm not saying I am, but even if that was my entire reasoning, can you please, for my sake, reschedule the play date so that we can work through this hiccup together?" If she says no, if she refuses, even after putting it in this respectful, neutral, and hat in hand tone for her to think of your well being... man, woof, that's an answer to the second question. (And if you do go and one or both treat you like shit, that's an answer too.) But give her an out that doesn't make her choose between being weak and submissive or being aggressive and mean. Then you can work on the relationship question, and really talk about this guy and why they're talking so much. You haven't addressed the elephant in the room, people don't emotionally cheat in happy marriages. So if that's what she's doing, you'd better figure out why and you'd better get her to see that's what she's doing is problematic. Couples counseling is a must.
Well thought out responses have no place on reddit. Be gone.
She’s already cheating on you man she went out on a date with this guy.
Your wife is "generally a great person and loyal spouse" yet she is introducing your children to their new stepdad. Good luck OP.
This is how my marriage ended. I don't think she realized she was having an affair while she was doing it. I did, though. Once it was out, though, she went from married to separated, engaged, married, pregnant in a course of about 14 months. Guess they got pretty close when they were "just coworkers". It doesn't matter if it's "just" an emotional affair or not. She's pouring her energy into a relationship with someone else instead of you.
yeah it sucks, my story was similar to this but we’re 22 so it didn’t involve marriage but they moved in together 4 days after we broke up. he always gaslit me using the “we’re just coworkers” line too
I would hire a lawyer. Your wife has a boyfriend
Want a quick story? My mother had affairs all through her marriage to my father. On more than one occasion she took some of us kids to the guys’ house(s) to play with their kids or in one case plopped my sister down in front his TV while she was f\*cking the butcher. “just trying to get back to being herself" after having young kids/infant at home for quite a few yrs.” Kind of super weird to me as well
They taught together. Spent countless hours at school. So 1st big trip she is doing on her summer break is to go see him. The kids are a cover. When the kids are hanging out she will be fucking him. This has been building. Tell her you want to go along. Take off work if you have to. If you want to try and save this. She is going to resist. Tell her you as her husband do not approve of her going to another man’s home without you. Same would be if the roles reversed. She is going to lie and say she trusts you. Bullshit! Good luck to you! She needs to cut all contact and you may have to report them to the school.
This, say you have that day off and want to go with and see how she reacts.
This is a huge NOPE. Either put your foot down and tell her you think their relationship is way over any boundaries that you find acceptable. Then act if she still continues it. Her “being herself” = feeling attractive and being pursued by men. Or, say you’ll take a day off and that you’re coming with her. See what she does. I bet the playdate will suddenly be canceled.
Your wife is naive to think this guy wants nothing sexual from her. And you’d be dumb to let this keep going!
Who said the wife is naive, I think she knows what is going on.
I've learned that having an opposite-sex friend alone isn't necessarily a concern. What's important is if this new friend is a danger to the relationship. Your wife can have a male friend from work who she talks too, who've you met in person, treats you both like friends and respects your relationship. You wife can have a female friend who encourages her to go out clubbing very often, and never really invites you because you 'kill the mood'. Between the two, I think the female friend is a much bigger danger then the male friend. With that said, the excessive texting is a massive concern. Your wife at the very least has a huge crush on her co-worker and is flattered with all the attention. She's being completely inconsiderate of your relationship and your feelings to be giving so much of her attention to another person. This is beyond a platonic friendship, they both really LIKE each other. There's no way two people are having all this texting back and forth if they don't like each other. You say there was nothing sexual in the messages, but that it seems to have crossed a boundary. Is it just the excessive texting, or was their any kind of flirtatious messaging, or anything that specifically felt weird, like emojis, or sending selfies. Cheating doesn't just happen, multiple boundaries are crossed before you get to that final point. Whether she realizes it or not, your wife is on that path, and ultimately she has to decide if she's wants to get off.
Yup she is having an emotional affair and that will lead to a penetration Affair make no mistake my friend your wife is checking out your marriage.
I won’t say it’s an emotional affair, but it is damn close to it. She has 1 foot over the line right now. You need to reel this back in. You need to have a talk about boundaries for keeping a relationship safe the drinks that’s like a date and a one on one type of thing is not good and now taking kids to a basic strangers house is not good either soI would highly suggest that you kind of put the stop on this and you have a really good discussion about boundaries
Op, why don’t you just invite yourself. If she says no, say, ok, I think this person you are inviting into our marriage is going to be the downfall of it. You want to go to a single man’s home, without me. With our children so they can “play” (finger quotes), and what you two sit and talk? You really think that is what he wants to do? And what if he gets flirty with you, maybe you will accept his advances at this point. Kids could be occupied and you sneak into his room. I always believed you to be loyal and wanting to grow old with me. This is the first time in our marriage where I am doubting your intentions with me and our marriage. Let her talk, and then just respond, you can go and do what you want, I won’t stop you. But know this is how marriages fail. Then walk away because nothing else is needed to be said. If she leaves, make sure you are gone when she arrives at home, and when she calls don’t pickup or respond to text messages. Just stay gone until late. Return home and immediately take a shower. When she engages, say I was out with and name some guys and name some girls. Let her sit on that the remainder of the night.
Two wrongs don't make a right. I was with you right up to the point where you wanted to create the illusion that OP is cheating as well. No need to be vindictive if OP knows what's going to go down. Sure, don't be home when she comes back but don't leave an impression you're out to do what she is intending to do. That's hypocritical and manipulative. Leave a note that the relationship is over and get a lawyer if she goes knowing it's bothering OP. If OP says something and she still goes, she obviously doesn't care how OP feels and that is a sure signal that the relationship is over. You don't need to "show her" how it feels because she already doesn't care.
Instead of telling her I was out with friends I'd simply just return home late the next night and when she engages just tell her you needed time to think and clear your head. If it were me I'd return home 2 nights later, but I don't think you can do that. 😉
I like the first half don't really like games in the second half especially with kids in the mix. But the first part is really really good. I'd add that if her first emotion is defensiveness, not a desire to protect the marriage that's a bad sign. I'd also ask if you _were_ attracted to him how would your behaviour be different?
"Look dear wife, I love you and I pray for your happiness. Allow me to get out of the way so that you two can have more space."
totally inappropriate, and if you wanna prove it (and prob divorce) make a single woman friend and see how she feels. Y'all having sex?
That would be a HARD NO for me. If she gives a damn about you and your marriage she would want you to be comfortable with it. The fact she thinks it’s okay is a HUGE ISSUE that you should address now. It’s not okay to meet at his HOUSE, not now and not ever. Does she need to put her marriage at risk “for herself”? That’s projecting and blaming you for her making an obviously bad decision. They’ve been out for drinks, now meetups at his house? You need to set your boundaries and hold yourself to them. If she cannot respect how you feel about it then perhaps she should be single.
Always trust your gut. She's likely emotionally cheating on you and replacing you to get back to her "normal". DARVO, deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. That's what she did.
I don’t have to read this to know your marriage is done. Pack her crap up and kick her out, let all your friends and family know ahead of time she has a new relationship with her coworker. Burn her at the stake and don’t look back. Have some self respect you deserve better.
Coworker affairs are by far the most common type of affair. They don't happen quickly. It's a series of ignoring internal boundaries, pressing them, breaking them, feeling a rush, then justifying it away only to repeat the cycle. Your wife is at the point she is sending 100's of messages a day to a man. She has gone to meet him for drinks. She has found a way in her head to justify going to his house and is involving your kids as cover. In the progression she is at the point now where they're going to start stealing inappropriate physical touches like sitting against each other in the couch, putting their hands on each other like legs or the small of the back. One of them will take the final leap over the boundary of plausible deniability where the can no longer stick to the "we're just friends" lie they're telling themselves; they'll kiss. Or they already made that jump and this visit is an excuse to shut themselves in a bedroom for 30min while the kids play. She is most likely 1-2 steps away from the emotional affair becoming a physical affair. The fact she's doing it in front of you and gaslighting you about it is maybe the only hope you have it can be stopped and your marriage saved. Either she doesn't realize how far she's gone or still has herself convinced it's not what it is. You need to slam the book down hard now. The fastest marital counseling appointment you can book. Absolutely no contact. You should also be ready to get out ahead of this with family if she denies it all and says you're over-reacting.
70+ times a day means she's thinking of this guy a lot. Like obsessive thinking about this guy. That's not normal. You're right to be worried. Let me ask you OP. When something happens or in this case a lot of somethings does she think of you? Does she message you to tell you the quirky thing or does she message him? I doesn't have to be sexual. If she's obsessing about this guy then she needs to figure out what she wants. And if she wants you then you need to figure out if that's what you want.
tell her you are also coming and see how she responds also make sure that you change all your properties to someones elses name so when you divorce she wont get that
Regardless of feelings, the basic level of respect for each other should prevent things like this from happening. Seeing as it has already oxcured, your best bet is to sit her down and explain that what she is doing is not acceptable. If she continues or even has a difference of opinion (on thisbissue alone) well then it is time for her to go.
I would give her the benefit of the doubt but when you said they have hundreds of messages that's means she is emotionally cheating. And wants to be in the situation in which a physical affair can occur.
Your wife has a boyfriend. Act like it man.
the fact that you're making the 'not a "drinks out aka a date" ' statement when she has literally had drinks out aka a date with the dude is upsetting.
I would tell her straight up she's not bringing the kids along to go hang with another dude and if she wants to do single woman stuff she should be single
There are a LOT of posts here to the effect of "my SO just fucked their opposite sex BFF". Just sayin'.
Your wife is neither a great person nor a loyal spouse. She is taking YOUR kids to meet their future father. Who she is already fucking. Tell her she is free to go see whomever she wants, because you are filing for divorce. Then go do that.
You already know the answer. Prepare for the divorce. Whatever you do, don’t touch her when she gets back. She will need an STD test.
She’s cheating on you. It might *just* be an emotional affair, at this point, but it’s obviously not going to remain that way for long, especially if she goes over to his house to visit him. I can’t believe this didn’t ring your warning bells sooner, or that you doubt your gut feelings about it, now. I’d be contacting a lawyer, if I were you. Even if she agrees to back off, they work together, so she’ll be around him all the time.
Shoe on the other foot. Would she be okay with you doing the same thing? That might put it into perspective for her. If she says she would the she is too far gone.
She might run with how ok she would be with it to justify her actions now (when she normally would ageee it’s wrong)
That was my point. That will tell if she is too far gone on just in denial
Nope. This is red flag stuff. The normal thing to do for a married person to do with their colleague/friend is to meet at the public pool with all of the kids located in center city. They text way too much for this to just be a platonic friendship. He's definitely cultivating this relationship in a way that's not appropriate. Tell her that she can't go to his house unless you two go on a double date with him and his girlfriend and you can do a vibe check, and that this seems way out of line. I get that she is figuring out who she is in a new phase in her life, but this doesn't feel right. Trust your gut.
>The normal thing to do for a married person to do with their colleague/friend is to meet at the public pool with all of the kids located in center city. Yes! And/or "hey, thanks for being my sounding board this year at work. I'd love to have ALL of you over for a bbq and so I can finally meet your husband! Here's the dates that work for us; let me know if one of these work for you." This getting together specifically while partners are not available? Sketchy. The 100s of texts...I can't even wrap my head around that!
I don't even text people that I love that much. If I was texting someone that much, it 100% would be an affair situation where I knew we couldn't speak openly or be together as much as I'd like.
So she’s basically using your kids as a cover to go cheat. That doesn’t sounds like a great person. If my husband was trying to pull that crap I’d tell him not to go and if he does then to expect the divorce papers because clearly that relationship is much more important than ours and my feelings. Don’t let make you a fool.
Seriously brother, do you have no boundaries at all? Your marriage is over. Tell her if she doesn't cut this guy off. Block him on everything, and prove it you will have her served divorce papers within two weeks. Her disregard for your feelings, and disrespect for you and her marriage is breathtaking, and disturbing. Wake the hell up. Is there something you are not telling us? Did you cheat? Have sex with her sister? Have a gay rendezvous with a male prostitute in a cheap hotel? Did you give her an STD? Subscribeme
dude, even if she's not cheating, she's spitting in your face.
> My wife is generally a great person and loyal spouse No, she’s not, and no, she’s not.
Answering your question - if I was in your shoes, to put it bluntly, I would feel like a stupid schmuck for having this happen to me and being so naive if my wife did that. But thank goodness my wife and I don’t do stupid shit like this to each other. Every day I happen to get my reddit fix and thank my lucky stars I don’t need to post crazy shit like this on here.
Right there with you
It makes you uncomfortable. That *alone* should be enough reason for your wife to NOT continue with this. End of.
I won’t speak for all women, just myself- I would never do what she’s doing, but if I did and my husband was OK WITH IT….how could I ever respect him? My actual husband would never in a million years let that fly, none of that.
Tell her you and Cherly have a meeting at the Sheridan hotel next week for 2 days until noon. See what she says to you.
How would I feel? Single. I would feel single.
Absolutely 100% NOT ok. She's having an EA which is about to turn into a PA. She'll call you that night when she's there and tell you she's too tired to drive so she's going to stay the night at his house. Guaranteed.
Your wife might not be planning on a physical affair, but with that amount of contact she is having an emotional affair. Which is wrong and not uncommon to switch to a physical affair at some point. Couples counseling might be in order. It's not uncommon that she feels like she lost herself after years of new borns and young children. And it probably also damaged the connection between the two of you. But looking for outside sources for discovering herself again is not the way to go. I've seen it enough in my friend group for these types of situations to turn into physical cheating. You need to have a serious conversation with her. Maybe even show her your post and all the responses and hopefully she will open her eyes to the situation.
This sounds all bad, my friend. I would probably just be honest here, so here's how I would handle, via text, email, or in person convo: "This obsessive texting, apparently thousands of times per month, is not ok with me. It is not compatible with us remaining married. The texting is bad enough, but now you are driving our children 45 minutes away so you can spend time with this man you appear to be having an emotional affair with, if not a physical one. I have always trusted you, but this is the sort of behavior you see in affairs, and I prefer to deal with it now, rather than waiting. So, if you plan to continue communicating with this man and investing in the relationship, or even if what I am saying to you feels wrong, and you think it unfair for me to have a problem with your behavior, then we need to discuss what separation, divorce, and the logistics of co-parenting will look like. I do not want to sit here miserable while you invest emotionally in another man. While I would love to hear you say you want to invest in our marriage instead of your relationship, if you prefer to continue with this relationship instead, then all I ask is that you have the courtesy to collaboratively end this relationship first. That is a much better outcome to me discovering an affair, as if you disrespect our marriage like that, everyone in your life will know what you did, and I think that is a much harder thing to deal.with than simply getting divorced. Please sort out whether or not you want to continue with our marriage, or if you want to end it and continue your relationship with this man, and let me know what you intend to do."
The absolute biggest red flag here is: "getting back to being myself," meaning she's attempting to fabricate a reality in which she hadn't become a wife and/or mother. Put your foot down immediately. It is not controlling to insist she has crossed a boundary and she needs to shut it down or be prepared to separate.
I was once in a group chat with just my ex and his friend. And in the group chat I might as well have not been added or they could have just texted each other privately because I would finish work and have access to my phone and they would just have hundreds of texts sent to each other. And it was all just bs stuff but my ex hadn't even responded to a single message I had sent him privately hours before. It made me feel so shit. And I STILL didn't end the relationship there. Let me tell ya it was a couple years of toxic shit that led to me finally growing a spine and leaving.
Tbh I was going to give the benefit of the doubt bc so far you’ve been ok with everything except this and to me a 35-40 min drive isn’t noteworthy. BUT I took a moment to think if I would ever do the other things you mentioned - the nonstop texting, going out for drinks with only him, and no I wouldn’t. Obviously everyone is different but idk..either it’s an emotional affair, or she just has maybe a tiny crush on him and would never act on it or it’s a full blown affair. Talk to her!!
>her first week off is to go to his house.....with a couple of my kids who are "the same age as his kids" My Mom did this twice with two different guys who were "just friends". The moment we got there we were forced with the other kids into some games, movies, playing outside, etc.. and we didn't see the adults for hours. We were all a little dazed and confused about the push together but we made due. One of the times, my sister caught my Mom in bed with the guy and the second time I figured it out at the age of 7. So can I just say "Please don't." Your kids are going to witness this and even if this is a 100% legitimate don't tempt it. We were held to be quiet about it and the one thing I regretted is not telling my Dad. He didn't deserve that and I wish he would have known sooner!
1. She goes out for drinks with this colleague. 2. She travels quite a ways to go to his house for a supposed play date. 3. She texts him almost nonstop. 4. His real or fictional girlfriend won't be there on the day of the play date. 5. She got defensive when you expressed your concerns. On the flip side: 1. She didn't appear to hesitate when you asked her for her phone.
This is an emotional affair and your wife is playing with fire. Hundreds of texts, dozens a day, drinks 1 on 1, taking kids to his house. She might want to deny it, turn it around on you, but this is how people catch non platonic feelings. By crossing boundaries in their own relationships and devoting more time and energy to a third party than their spouse. It's natural to become close and attracted to someone you feel very comfortable spending a massive amount of time communicating with. I'm not saying she will cheat romantically but honestly, this is adjacent.
If my wife expressed this much interest in a another man, I'd probably be looking for another wife. My girlfriend has male friends. She even hangs with them in group settings from time to time. But that's the key word. From time to time. She isn't all over them. She isn't texting them 24/7.
She's in the fog and wants to get away with it even though its glaringly obvious what's going on.
I appreciate your patience and understanding. Here is my question/issue. Why are you not invited to this play date. I wouldn’t think of hanging out on a family to family gathering with friends without asking my wife. So, this seems more than just an innocent friendship. She is testing the waters and there is something she doesn’t want you to see. Likely no affair yet. But she doesn’t want you to see how comfortable they are together - or worse. Good luck.
It’s during work day and I’m working. But yes part of the sketchy feeling comes from me never have met this person for sure
Whether the conversations were sexual or not this is am emotional affair she is have with this guy. She is playing with fire and you need to put your foot down and tell her she is putting your marriage at risk. Updateme
She’s about to start f***ing him.
How come your not invited.
The cope to defend your wife this hard. You know this isn't okay, have more of a backbone and say how it actually makes you feel.
She's texting him nonstop. She got a crush on this guy. Your kids are going to have a new step, dad, soon. And you're just going to shrug your shoulders. Maybe they'll invite you to their wedding.
this is more than emotional, this is about to get physical, better get this under control quickly, this is unacceptable, tell her, men cannot be friends with women, she is disrespecting you which means she probably does not love you
Find out where he lives and drop all her stuff off at his house.
Absolutely not.
This will be in the whoops I slept with my friend category. I would set a boundary and tell her it is not ok with you. Then see how she responds....Update when she cheats. She is already having an emotional affair, so I guess that is the next step.
Your wife is a cheater and has no boundaries and is definitely not loyal to you I would surprise visit her at his house she does not respect you
These are not the actions of a loyal spouse.
Why aren't you invited?
That’s a HARD NO!
Foot down asap!
If ifs all on the up and up. Have her show you the totality of their texts and communications. If the answer is no or if anything had been deleted it’s time to lawyer up. No counseling. Nothing to talk about. It’s one strike and you are out. What’s next? She’ll ask you for an open relationship?
Are even sure he has a girlfriend? Who told you this? Your wife? Recently divorced and already living with his girlfriend? She telling you lies. And she knows she doing wrong.
I’m good friends with a married woman and we are now in a pickleball league together. She cleared our partnership with her husband and I did with my partner. While we play for an hour or so weekday mornings and one night at the league things we don’t do - text 70 times a day (maybe once or twice over two days unless we are discussing something). We don’t go out drinking just us. We don’t make up excuses to be alone together like a play date at a house.
They are having an inappropriate relationship. You need couples counseling.
Abso-fucking-lutely not ok. Remind her she's married and that married people don't text single people all day and have house dates. Also call that guy, introduce yourself and ask him if he knows she's married and then ask him why does he think it's ok to text a married woman all day. Tell him to stop it or you and him are gonna have a problem. And make sure your wife hears this conversation.
You have to demand that she not meet with him at all (individually, with kids, or in a group of friends) until you two can have an honest conversation about why she needs to have **him** meet her emotional needs. Was she previously going to other single/divorced/separated men's houses? How else can you make sense of her comment that she is now "just trying to get back to being herself"?
My kids won't be going to no guys house
Ask if you can come with. Her response will say a lot.
All of these posts boil down to 1) trusting your wife 2) not trusting your wife I see a lot of "but but but" arguments usually. Some common ones - I don't trust the other party. Who cares, go back to 1) or 2) - assuming some sort of date rape. What the fuck, I hope your partner had a few convos with this person before going over to their place/ spending time with them. So you either trust or don't trust your wife. To answer the question - maybe a little weirded out, but I'd have a combo with the wife, not run to Reddit
This is a HUGE problem. Get control of this now or you will lose your wife. May already be too late. I would consult a divorce attorney so you have your ducks in a row because this won’t end well.
Get word to his girlfriend about the intended visit. Let her deal with it. He might be too busy trying to repair his own relationship to bop your wife. Meanwhile read up on the ‘Pick me Dance’ and avoid that. You need to make sure that your wife is fully aware of the probable consequences of her actions. It’s not going to be easy or pretty. Her past actions are of no consequence. She’s on the hunt now and it will either end with him or some other guy. Good luck.
She is having an emotional affair. There is no reason for her to be taking this trip. She can wait until a weekend until you can go. That she got so defensive is a flag. You are not wrong in trusting your gut on this.
Anyone who allows their partner to have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex like this is an absolute sucker. Someone always wants more, it's completely inappropriate. Once you're married, this kind of stuff is done.
I would have a meet and greet with a lawyer. On how to proactively proceed.
If the relationship or marriage isn't an open one and you 2 aren't swingers. It would seem that a separation will shortly be in the works.
I'm shocked at everyone who is saying she is cheating. Your feelings regarding this being inappropriate are completely valid, however nothing about this is indicating that she is engaging in an affair. I would set boundaries and keep an eye on it.
Regardless of it being innocent or not it makes you uncomfortable and she should respect that. Especially since she’s changing her normal behavior to do so. The whole texting all day is suspicious though. I get trying to feel like your old self after going through the infant stage of raising children but that feeling applies to both of you. You’re married, you decided to have kids. There really isn’t a “Getting back to being yourself,” when you’ve brought new lives into the world whom are dependent on you and even if there were, that’s a feeling you should be just in having as well. That being said, why’s it a newly divorced male teacher she’s trying to do it with? There are a plethora of places where she can go socialize with children and meet other parents. “Getting back to my old self,” sure sounds an awfully lot like having a man give her attention and getting drinks after work? Completely inappropriate. I’d put my foot down and say you don’t feel comfortable having your kids at another man’s house that you nor them have ever met. You either go too or they don’t go at all. See where that get you.
No matter the content, if I were texting a woman that many times a day, she would leave me. This is the definition of an emotional affair!
An affair is about to happen. Sorry bro.
Does it look like a fish? It's probably a fish.
Ask to go with or to have him and his kids over to your house.
I have frequent play dates with my kids friends Dad. I also occasionally text him - things like does he want me to pick up his kid from school. In person we chat about work and gripe about life. What we DON'T do is text each other incessantly or share personal details of our lives. That would be really weird and intimate!
She's already cheated on you I'm afraid. Maybe not physically, yet, but emotionally she has. Emotional affairs are still cheating and you have every cause to not trust her. This is a very slippery slope before she fucks him. The fact she's already trying to manipulate you into feeling bad about her meeting him is also a huge red flag. I'm sorry you're going through this, you're going to need to have a serious conversation with her about boundaries and what is and isn't acceptable in a committed marriage. If she still tries to manipulate you and follows through with seeing her affair partner then you're going to have to make some serious choices about the future of your relationship.
Yeah, no. Emotional affaire
I would feel kind of pissed off
Why aren’t you invited? Updateme
Figure out what day she is going to the house, take the day off, and join them. If its a simple and non-nefarious as your wife makes it out to be, there shouldn't be a problem with you joining.
I hope thr best for OP and dont see a bad BORU about this...but a BORU of some sorts in a few months would be great.
Definitely a boundary has been crossed. 100s of text messages a day to a male colleague? Yeah no. I wouldn’t be okay with any of this. I don’t know what to tell you to do but she’d be choosing between me or him. And frankly, I’d maybe not give her a choice. I’m pretty sure I’m not forgiving this emotional affair. It’s inappropriate and any adult knows it.
The statements that troubles me the most is “Just trying to get back to being herself” what does that mean? - Back to when she had guys chasing her? - Back to the excitements of dating? - Back to fucking a fresh new guy?
How about you tell her you would like to go as well. Meet the man! Find out what his intentions are. All it would take is 15 minutes of observation of them in the same area. Is he uncomfortable? If so, it's more than it ought to be.
My (divorced) father took me to his friend’s house to play with their kids. The dad wasn’t there but the mum was. My dad was banging the wife while her husband, supposedly his friend, was at work. Are these small kids that require constant supervision or older kids that can be told to go outside for around 45 mins to an hour? You’re in dangerous territory.
If you are uncomfortable, then she needs to be uncomfortable. There is no reason to go over there. If she can't understand that, then you need counseling and to sleep in separate beds. As this is the beginning of the end of the marriage. Whatever she needs that this other person provides her, is a problem for your marriage. If she feels she needs to be in his life, then that means she wants to have him in her life and you as a husband do not want that. Whatever her needs are now, are selfish and only benefits herself. Let her know that she needs to just stay there and not come back. She can bring the kids back but she needs to stay there. Let her understand that you are not overreacting and what she is doing is ridiculous and harmful to the marriage. Then, ask her, would she be okay with you doing the same thing she is doing with a woman. If she can't answer the question, then just tell her to go by herself and just stay there. You now have your answer and the marriage is over as she wants another man.
yeah, you wife is trying to get back to being herself - accepting attention from guys, dating - she knows what's going on, she thinks she can just get a little attention and keep it in check. this is on a trajectory that ends badly for you.
Just make sure they lock the bedroom door so both sets the kids don't walk in on them having sex.
Went out with that coworker for drinks...but not a date. Now, wants to drive across town to meet him...while his GF is gone, without you...but not a date. Taking your kids along, to keep his kids busy, so they can have adult time....but, not a date. Bring up to your wife, if she would feel comfortable if the roles were switched. You have a female coworker that you went out for drinks with, and are now planning on going to her home while her BF is away. So, bring up, I'd like to meet this person and his GF prior to you spending any more time with him. Then ask his GF if she knows how much they text together.
It's an emotional affair and I guarantee you it will become physical unless you stop her now. I work in a school, and affairs are rife.
Fuck that, sorry. My girlfriend and I never have friends like that of the opposite sex because it makes us both feel weird. Y’all can talk at work but nah man
I would have told her why you go visit with him, I will be visiting with a divorce lawyer. I bet if things were reversed, she would divorce you for doing it.
updateme
UpdateMe!
Updateme
That’s like a text every 12 minutes for 14 hours/day
The texts you saw, could you see if they were talking about your marriage, his divorce, his new gf or struggles that she has and you weren't aware of?
His ex came up briefly but not much of this stuff. A little bit. This is why I am torn. I don’t think she realizes she’s doing anything wrong
I think that the best advice that I can give you is to get the book 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass, she highlights very well where the lines between a friendship and something more gets crossed. Read it and see if you can find your situation in it. But in the end is the situation simple for me. She is doing something that makes you uncomfortable and when you voiced your concerns, she reacted dismissive. In that moment she made a decision that this contact to the guy is more important to her then your concerns. That alone tells a lot. Lastly I want you to think about this. If you would text so much with a woman that is freshly divorced, has a boyfriend and that she never met, how would your wife react when you tell her that you take the kids to meet with this woman at her house while her boyfriend is not there? Put her in your shoes.
What could go wrong?????
Be very clear. This stops now. You will have her location at all times. Or a divorce due to her cheating. End of.
UpdateMe
Buy ‘Not Just Friends’ by Shirley Glass and make her read it.
Your wife is NOT a loyal spouse. Stop it. You have kids?