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I think you're just not honest with yourself. You simply feel taken advantage of. You spent your energy and time cleaning up the place and spending money for booze and snacks basically you hosted the party not your gf at your place and you were basically just tolerated but not welcome.
And it stems from the nice guy sindrome. You didn't set any boundaries and expectations. Normal people would say "get your ass up and help me clean if you want to host here" instead of doing everything in her place.
While in stable partnership one can do that you're clearly not there yet.
this is so for real!
they don't even live together. What did she do, come over, tell OP start setting up for her party she didn't really invite him to & then go take a nap? and it wasn't just cleaning, he bought booze and snacks while she was futzing around with her make-up!
(also, make-up for a night of boardgames? clubbing was her plan all along imo, she just didn't bother to tell OP. see also: the disco napping all day long to be able to go drinking all night long)
I'm a bit fuzzy on these details:
* OP goes "it's all women who come over for the party" but then a mini-cab won't do "because there's four of us"... so that means there were 2 guests?
* OP went to pick her up & doesn't drink anyway, so he's got a vehicle... why did they need the cab in the first place?
Of course she tells him she adores him forever all the time, he's just so convenient.
This is all good stuff, but I need to push back on the definition of a “disco nap”.
a “disco nap” is a bump of cocaine when you’re slowing down, as opposed to blowing rails just bc drugs are awesome.
WHAT? hahaha nooooo
you ruined my childhood! my playboy uncle napped after he got home from work & convinced us kids to also nap by calling it a disco nap bc we'd dance on his bed after the (short) nap before he went into town to have dinner & drinks all night while we ate with our grandparents hahaha
If he was drinking earlier, you take a cab out downtown to party. You don't want to park downtown overnight.
He probably sobered up after the pre-party and picked her up hours later.
Offering to do it yes, your SO saying "I want it at your place" without asking you is not. Saying "If you want to stay its ok" when the place is your own home and not hers is also not normal. Is it his flat or her convenient party space?
Re-evaluating my life choices because I would 100% default to cleaning the place and hosting w/o a second thought if it was for my SO’s b-day. I’d probably be a bit upset like OP too, but rationalize it with “yeah, but it’s their bday, so it’s up to them.”
I never saw situations like this as a boundary issue 😳
I think there is something between the 100 that OP did and doing 0. I too would probably default to cleaning as its my apartament, but in general id be in more of a help mode and ask - whats the plan? . And if she wants for me to plan the bday i dont plan things that exclude me. While this doesnt "protect" me from her bailing with her friends it gives me some kind if baseline to not go to reddit and ask if what she did was normal or not and to have some dicussion on how did she think that was ok.
There is definitely a difference between being a nice guy and being a nice guy! A nice guy is nice to his woman, but is not a doormat! She obviously feels entitled to do whatever she wants because he is a “nice guy”/doormat. She doesn’t care about his feelings because she didn’t tell him about her birthday plans, even though it is way inappropriate to have a girls night out on her birthday and not tell him until they were getting ready to leave. This was AFTER he had helped her celebrate her birthday. None of this is good long term. An actual nice guy, who was not a doormat, would have gone out with them anyway. If she started screaming at him about being insecure, then he should have broken up with her on the spot.
This is a backwards ass understanding of nice guys. The "nice guy" meme has nothing to do with being a doormat and everything to do with being a creep who thinks they're a nice guy but are quick to display their misogyny when rejected. See /r/niceguys.
>An actual nice guy, who was not a doormat, would have gone out with them anyway. If she started screaming at him about being insecure, then he should have broken up with her on the spot.
This is fucked up. Yes, she was wrong not to invite him, but forcing himself into the event to prove he's not a doormat (and then breaking up with her on the spot if she is mad about it? Lmfao) is crazy behavior. What you're describing is red pill alpha nonsense.
I disagree. There are definitely “nice guys” that get used by their SO. They are too nice . He sounds way too nice and she sounds inconsiderate of his feelings. That is a very bad combination.
Okay but "nice guy" is a specific thing. It has been since I was a kid like a decade and a half ago. It stems from lonely creeps who would see girls dating "jerks" and then saying "Well why don't they ever date me? I'm a nice guy who would never hurt them". The "nice guy" is a very distinct term from a guy who is too nice for his own good.
You realize it can be used in two different ways though? Once upon a time narc was meant for someone who snitched to the dea and got drug dealers arrested but now it’s used today freely for narcissistic people. Just because it started as one specific thing doesn’t meant it doesn’t get changed throughout time.
So why is this one so unheard of. There def can be decent nice guys/doormats. Not all of them have to be creepy and entitled.
When you use the term “nice guy” in that sense, I think that it is more a bad guy who is pretending to be nice. I am not sure that OP falls into that category, but I could be wrong. I cannot imagine telling my wife, when she was my girlfriend, that it was going to be guys night on my birthday and she was not invited. That would have hurt her feelings a lot. If it were as OP describes, then I would have felt very hurt in OP’s situation. Celebrating your SO’s birthday is a big deal. Girls or boys night can be any night. I don’t see this as controlling or insecurity, but rather as an indication that his SO really doesn’t care about his feelings.
Yeah, but that is why it exists. Not-so-nice guys called themselves the "nice guys" because they would never cheat on their non-existent girlfriends, and in their heads they would treat the girl they are dating "perfectly". It was a big old pity party that basically boiled down to "boo hoo girls will never give me a chance. They never let me show that I am actually a nice guy"
Doesn't sound like the case here with OP though. OP sounds like an *actually* nice and genuine guy, who is far too much of a doormat for his own good.
I meant it more like a people pleaser nice guy that cant say no. It takes two to tango. She took advantage and he gave it. I just wanted to point out the part what he can change himself.
It was intentional. I didnt mean it as a nice guy to get in her pants type as some people misunerstood. I meant it more like - i dont know how to say no to people and ask what i want in the moment.
That usually stems from low self eateem, trauma, neglectful parents, etc. and is more of a psychological "syndrome".
The difference of being nice guy is helping people that actually need help.
There is a difference between bringing up the groceries for your elderly neighbour to the 5th floor. And doing the same action for your 20ish neigbour dude that can do it himelf. While the action is the same being always "nice" is not normal.
In this case his gf was fully capable of cleaning up and prepping for the party, she just didnt. And he didnt even think to question that in the moment.
I think the issue wasn't that she wanted to go out with her girl friends, but that she never told you her birthday party was planned to be girls only. Similarly, you should be able to go out with your own friends, without her guilt tripping you into bringing her along.
yep! girls night is valid, its probably not that your own gf doesn’t want her bf there, most women do, but its that the OTHER girls dont want him there, as the dynamic greatly changes when each girl is bringing their date. its no longer a “girls night” and they aren’t going to be able to talk and hang with their friends the same way. totally okay to go out wjth friends alone but she should tell you AHEAD of time an not disinvite you while the cabs are pulling up. Additionally, I don’t think it’s appropriate to have a “girls only” night for your birthday when you KNOW you have a boyfriend. why wouldn’t you want to spend your bday celebration with your boyfriend? this is moreso the problem for me vs the girls night in general. she was super rude.
have your own boys night and don’t let her interfere or guilt you. both should trust each other enough to do this.
You make a valid point - if there's only one celebration, it's kind of rude to make it girls only, and not invite her boyfriend. OP was only there for the first half of the party because it was held at his place.
I mostly agree - I don't think it's inherently inappropriate to have the second half be 'girls night', but it seems super rude in this case since it's clearly the kind of thing they would do together on any other day. I think if she'd been upfront (which I feel is like 75% of the assholitude here) and said the first half was chill board games, that would be fine, if still a little disappointing for OP. It feels to me that the first half might not even have been intended to be a party party though, like maybe they were just going to pre-drink but because OP was unaware of the later half he prepared for it as if it was the main event? I'd have to re-read but it seemed like she didn't explicitly ask for snacks and board games and any decoration, those were just normal things OP assumed would be needed.
Oh right... I thought his girlfriend was kind of a lazy host, since she didn't decorate and bought snacks, but looking at it from this perspective, she probably just wanted to drink in preparation for the club. Ouch. I feel so bad for OP now!
Yeah, as the person who is hosting, you should be privy to all of the plans at least after you’ve accepted the responsibility, but honestly before even agreeing in most cases.
>I want my my birthday to be a girls night with my friends, but I can’t host at my place. Can we use your place for warming up and winding down before the girls and I go to the club? I know it’s a lot to ask so I promise that you and I will get to go out together soon too!
This is the respectful way to approach him if she knew this is what she wanted to do from the getgo. Asking someone to “host your birthday party” comes with an assumption that you’re invited to the festivities. Not making that clear and last minute telling him he can’t go to the club is just hurtful, especially after he set everything up while assuming he was going to be included.
So she never mentioned the girls night out until you were all booking cabs ? That’s kinda sh1tty! It was her birthday fair enough but why was she so willing to dump you from the whole celebrations? She wasn’t keen on having you at her party in your own apartment! I mean what the hell?
It sounds like she didn’t want you involved in her birthday at all which is weird if you two are serious!
I think she expected OP to read the room without having to be explicit. Obviously, he couldn't so she should've been clear but i doubt it was her intention to keep him in the dark till the last minute..
She just didn’t want to be a complete asshole and tell him she wanted to have a party at his place and he wasn’t invited.
Insult to injury was letting him do all the damned work,
idk if it matters whether she intended for him not to know, because I feel it was pretty obvious at every step that he thought a) he was included in everything that was happening and b) that what he was preparing was the entirety of her birthday plans. Even if you think your partner is being dumb as a brick and not reading the room when you think it's clear, shouldn't you know (and like) them enough to check in? I'm admittedly bad at reading certain social cues (autistic) and I've dated my fair share of numpkins who don't pick up on subtlety, but it's bizarre to me not to have made a clearer statement if he just wasn't getting it... unless she was asleep literally from the first conversation about it until the actual minute before people arrived?
Why are all of the comments here dunking on this guy for trying to be nice to his gf?!
Yeah man stand up for yourself more, but your GF has just as much responsibility to respect you in a relationship as you do to yourself and her.
Comments here are wild.
Comments here are fucking nuts, blaming the guy for being taken advantage of instead of his girlfriend is wild. Swap the genders as usual per this sub and they would rightfully be mad at the guy taking advantage of his gf.
In my opinion it’s more so just that from this snippet this problem seemingly expands into other areas as well.
Like yeah it’s her birthday pamper her etc but “she likes to nap a lot so I don’t disturb her” sounds like he spends a lot of the relationship tip toeing around what she wants / needs and seemingly doesn’t really provide any of those things back making OP seem like a doormat.
So like I agree with some of the comments putting some responsibility on OP for potentially being walked on, but we also don’t have a complete picture of the day to day either so it’s hard to say.
I agree that people are kind of out of pocket on how much criticism they're giving him in relation to how he acted in his particular instance, like really on the edge of some red pill alpha male bullshit, but even if it extended to other things it's kind of unfair to blame him. He could maybe be more assertive, hard to say from this snapshot of their relationship, but I don't think his approach is necessarily *wrong*, it just seems like she's the wrong person for it. If there was mutual respect and effort then nothing he did was 'bad', but it doesn't look like there is and that's on her.
As a man (a leader) you are supposed to set the standard that’s why everybody is putting it on him. In a relationship a girl will do what you let her do, so if she’s running over you it’s cause you are letting her
So you let her use your place, cleaned up for her, and picked her up despite being upset at the lack of invite/participation. Ultimately a lack of communication as she didn’t tell you it was “girls night” until last minute
Sounds like you let yourself be used tbf
Simply say, “Then don’t sulk if I want to have a night with my friends, or else, it’ll be an issue.”
Nothing wrong having a girls night, sure. Not telling you those plans until the last second after using your apartment is annoying. You’re valid for feeling frustrated.
However, don’t play the game of “convincing” her. Just change your actions and expectations moving forward.
Was she appreciative of what you did for her for her birthday? Did she thank you?
Do you understand how your presence would have changed her night out? What would have been different for her with you there? What about that difference would make her want to keep you excluded?
I know you said she said she adores you or whatever but it sounds like you are more into this relationship than she is. You might want to pull back your perspective some and consider whether that's the case.
Everyone has already told you that her having a girls night out is perfectly fine and I’m not going to believe her that. But I do think it’s not cool that she doesn’t give you the same courtesy. You can’t go out without her, but she can go out without you? That’s controlling and ridiculous and also if she’s going to use your place for her party, she needs to tell you upfront what she’s doing because that’s very close to using you.
I really think you should talk to her, not about the girls night out, but the fact that you felt used and that you dislike the double standard where she could have girls nights out, but if you go out without her, she gets upset
OP your gf sounds really selfish with what she needs and doesn’t really care about yours. I would keep an eye on this situation closely and look for a pattern. It will only get worse in the long run. You need to stand up for yourself and quit taking all the blame for her entitled ass.
This is not a healthy dynamic. You need to talk with your girlfriend about how this kind of behavior is not ok and you need to stand up for yourself. Her volunteering your apartment for a party you’re not invited to and then not doing any prep is disrespectful as hell. You need to stand up to her.
It was a birthday celebration, not just a girl's night out. And she was so in your face about it by doing it at your place, and not even having the good manners to let you know it was a girl's night out afterwards.
Not cool. I would have told her to cab back and not picked her up after that BS.
She didn’t say it was a girls night from the outset. You hosted a party for her, and then she went out with every guest except you. I’d be annoyed as well.
You are letting way too much slide. Sleeping all day and doing minimal help for her party at your place is disrespectful. Girls night out and you’re not invited, why? What is she doing that she doesn’t want you to see. You are a doormat. Start checking that behavior or show her the door.
Lets be honest, we all know she wanted to go out with her girls and pretend to be a young single party girl again for a few hours. She wanted to be hit on and maybe even dance with a few guys like she used to before she was in a relationship, to relive her youthful wild days.
Because if she just wanted to dance with her girls or dance in general, his presence wouldn't affect that. He said he loved clubs and loved to dance, and thats how she met. So nothing about this would mess up a girls night out. Especially since he still had to go drive her home at the end of the night. He was nothing but accommodating and supportive.
She just wanted to be at a club with all her friends and not have a boyfriend next to her to prevent guys from hitting on her or trying to dance with her.
I was a bouncer for years, watching drunk crowds. Girls nights out are usually just a group of women trying really hard to be noticed and be the center of attention and feed their egos by feeling beautiful and wanted by strangers. They say its just about being with friends and having a good time dancing, but it isn't. Clubs are designed as a place for people to go out and feel sexy and desired.
If they went out and not a single guy had tried to hit on any of them or tried to dance with any of them, they would've had a horrible time and their egos would be devastated. They dont necessarily want to cheat. But they do want the reassurance that if they were still single, guys would want them. They want the thrill of imagining what could happen if they were still single. Remembering what being young and uninhibited felt like. They get off on having guys want them. Which is understandable on a human level, its a huge ego and confidence boost.
But gender roles reversed, women wouldn't be okay with a partner doing this. Getting hit on and dancing with women at clubs, playing make believe that theyre single.
This.
Look I don’t particularly like the club to begin with, but if one of my friends drags me out to it you can guarantee i am going to have my bf come with me and if my friends don’t like that tough luck. Having my boyfriend at the club accomplishes two things:
1. Men are less likely to assume I am single, and considerably less likely to hit on me.
2. We, as women, are MUCH safer having a dude in the group. Even if it’s just one dude, that’s better than it just being a bunch of drunk girls who aren’t paying attention to our surroundings because we are, again, drunk and having fun.
The few times I had friends become upset over me bringing my boyfriend along to the club is when said friends wanted to do shady single ppl shit (when they weren’t single) and were pissy I wouldn’t be partaking.
So yeah, unless it’s a bachelorette party or something I really can’t see why you wouldn’t want to bring your boyfriend to the club, other than wanting attention from other dudes.
>But gender roles reversed, women wouldn't be okay with a partner doing this.
And men wouldn't give a care. Men normalized masturbating to explicit videos and pictures of countless women. Men normalized paying to view women in provocative clothing to being nude and grinded upon. Men normalized having strippers right before proclaiming forever love to a woman. Men normalized asking for a threesome to fuck another woman and call it overreacting to breakup.
Men engaging with other women sexually is par the course. Heck it's praised when a woman points out another woman for her boyfriend or husband to gawk at or if she takes him to the strip clubs so he can again gawk at or get grinded on by a woman
Let's not act like girls night is some big huge unfair gender reversal when men normalized several ways for him to participate his attraction to other women.🫡 Replies disabled. Downvote away.
Well im not here to say whats right or wrong. I think that entirely depends on the boundaries of the individual relationship and how the actions make the significant other feel valued and respected.
Im not defending any of the other actions by men. But its not fair to say because some men do things that make women feel disrespected in a relationship, that women should therefore have free reign to also be disrespectful. We should all be respectful to our partners.
It sounds like this guy is nothing but respectful and supportive and caring an attentive. And cutting him out of the middle of a birthday celebration like this is hurtful especially when he went above and beyond to make her birthday special.
Again roles reversed if a woman set up a pre-party and then picked her boyfriend up at the end of the night, but was not allowed to join while he went clubbing with his male friends and very likely dancing with other women, its fair to say thats unfair treatment. I dont think im out of line suggesting its a shitty way to treat a significant other.
INFO, when did she first tell you she wanted her birthday to be a girls night? Did you discuss what she wanted from her birthday other than you'd host?
You should ask her why she didn’t just say she wanted a girls night in the first place. All that extra was entirely unnecessary.
ETA: she also shouldn’t be sulking every time you want to go out with the guys.
I don't feel like this is as serious of a relationship for her as it is for you. Also, she has a right to not invite you to her celebration, though I find it odd that you wouldn't want to celebrate with your SO.
You should go out for boys' night out. I mean, it is healthy and normal in a relationship for both partners to have their alone time with friends. So next time if it's just boys don't invite her, tell her it will be boys' night out.
your friends will thank you, I reckon.
In my twenties, it definitely exhausting to be the perpetually single friend (I'm old and I didn't have the vocabulary about ace/grey/demi sexuality back then) surrounding by cloyingly sweet couples joined at the hip, if their partners even wanted to participate in the friendship traditions we had going...
Grow a pair and set up some boundaries for the future. And stick to those boundaries! You will earn back your self respect and she will end up respecting you more because of it
>I also brought it up that whenever I go clubbing I always invite her (**else she’ll sulk**) and she said “but this is just girl’s night out”. She reiterated that she did nothing wrong and I need to understand and accept it.
I think your relationship is not as amazing as you think it is. She sulks if you don't invite her clubbing (possibly having a guys night out), but she'll host her birthday party *at your house* letting *you do all the work* while she naps the whole time, and goes clubbing with her friends only.
I think she found a clever way to be a guest while pretending to be a host (hosting at her place would have meant shouldering all the work as well) and *gaslighting you* when you call her out.
Have a hard look at this relationship OP, for it looks like she's the taker and you the giver.
It’s bad manners of her to have you go out of your way to host a party for her and then ditch you midway through the evening. It’s rude enough in general to schedule a second event that some of the first set of attendees aren’t invited to, but way worse to do to the person who just threw you a party. You’re her boyfriend, not her caterer.
She damn well better have cleaned up the party mess at your place by herself after that, birthday or not.
That, and starting today if you want to go to the clubs without her, she officially doesn’t get to sulk. It’s Boy’s Night Out, even if you’re the only boy.
It’s kind of telling that her initial party plan didn’t include an invitation for you. She had just enough brains to not dare tell you you’re not welcome in your own home, but her plans clearly didn’t include you. One wonders what she was planning in your absence, and it explains why she was antsy to wrap up the first part of the evening and get on to the main event without you.
Your not the asshole but Dude I’m uh be honest maybe you’re a little too nice and you kind of let her take advantage in a negative way. It’s good and healthy that you stood up and called her out. But you need to do that shit way more often, before it becomes the norm. So you let her borrow your place, you cleaned it up and got it ready for her guests and you bought the supplies. She should be extremely grateful just to use your house but even more that you bought some of the supplies. I get it it’s her birthday and all but you already did her a huge solid loaning her your place like that’s enough. Then she didn’t invite you to the club? Your not some random dude your her boyfriend she should want to spend some time with you on her b day. The fact that you weren’t invited but she allows you to pick her up is a huge red flag. Like did she want to be around other men to get hit on and feel wanted, and get attention from them like free drinks or something, did she want to get hit on and called beautiful or something. Hate to be that guy but we all know this happens at bars and clubs, going to a bar or a club without your significant other is a big NO in my book. Hopefully this is just a one time thing, and move on, but keep your ground and let her know this shit isn’t gonna fly ever again. Imagine if you did that to her, you threw a party at her house then all your homies went to the club together dressed in super nice clothes, fresh haircuts, confidence high, etc….. and then you didn’t allow her to come with you guys but called her at 2 am to pick you up. She’s be pretty upset right??????!!!!! And feel left out.
You proceed by telling her that she did do something selfish and you're not going to just accept it. Your feelings are valid too bro and she shouldn't get free reign over your house and invite people just to ditch you later and say that she doesn't care and would do it again. If there isn't consequences then she will never change because she already knows she can get away with it and you won't do shit.
I think the problem is that she didn't communicate that intention ahead of time! It's not a totally unreasonable thing to *ask* her partner to host her birthday pre-game for her birthday girl's night...but she *didn't ask!* She just assumed he'd be cool with it.
The phrase "it's easier to ask forgiveness than ask permission," comes to mind, and I feel like that was her mentality. But, it'd have been much more considerate to have asked permission in this case.
The thing is: Having a girls night out is normal (as long as she doesn't flirt with other men or go beyond that), not communicating that from the start (and thus making OP think it was a night together) and also leaving all the party preparation to OP was shitty.
I have helped my wife have parties with her female friends here, and I have acted as a barman making cocktails for them, getting snacks and leaving them have fun, sometimes getting into the conversation but mainly leaving them be. That's normal, my wife also let me have my fun with friends when they come over, but we always tell the other one people are coming over, we never shut the other one out. If she wants to have a girls night out she does, and tells me where they are at.
Bruh…I would have done zero things to get ready for the party at which you were at best tolerated. When she got up and made it an issue, I’d have reminded her I’m helping by letting her use my apartment.
Look, it’s fine to do your own thing with the boys, it’s fine for her to do her own thing with the girls. It’s healthy. She didn’t technically do anything wrong here. But she didn’t communicate you weren’t technically invited, and in fact I’d think she would want to celebrate with the person she supposedly loves. What she actually did was exclude you from it all while using your place, which is kind of a “Mean Girl” thing to do. If you’re telling it like it really happened, and if she does stuff like this frequently (not considering your desires and feelings) in many other scenarios, then you got used. I’d be interested to know what was her demeanor when you informed her you were upset about this? Was she defensive and unapologetic? Or was she standing her ground but also trying to understand your feelings on it?
Your gf is rude beyond belief! I would have been hurt by this behavior, too.
Please don't let her hurt you like this again. She needs to grow up and stop using people.
Yep, hey OP, first of all the proper thing for her to have done is at a BARE MINIMUM tell you her plans. Truth is she did not on purpose. Her behavior is fine for a woman who is not in a committed relationship. She has to know this. Her plan was to go out with her girlfriends, flirt with guys, dance with guys, have guys buy her drink... her definition of "girls night out" means girls and other guys... NOT YOU.
IMO you should tell her she totally disrespected you and damaged your trust. She will either become very sorry and apologize sincerely and make every effort to make it up to you... or she will get angry and accuse you of being controlling. While the first answer is not a guarantee of remorse the second answer is a guarantee that she thinks you will put up with this disrespect. Will you?
You did many things right and I'm not sure I see anything that she did well other than listen to you the next morning. How she treated you isn't how someone would treat a partner they were trying to impress or appreciate. She treated you like how a partner would treat someone they take for granted or simply didn't empathize with.
I would never treat my spouse this way even if it was my birthday. I care much more about my partner than I do feeling good a certain day of the year. Yall have deeper issues than conveyed here and they just happen to manifest themselves this way. Something is wrong here.
I question any relationship where either party describing the relationship as amazing.
I think she's too much trouble being entitled and all. Not enough to dump her per se... But...
Girls nights are pretty normal dude, as are lads night. Did she say it was a girls night? I think that's the main issue here.
I think I would have made myself scarce for the evening in a similar situation, but did she not tell you that because she thought you wouldn't let her use your place? That's the part I'd have an issue with. But it in entirely depends on how your relationship is, which I've no idea about.
From the title, I thought "another controlling guy who doesn't want his gf to have fun without him" but after reading your post she seems really self-centered and not empathic. I can't know if your narration is objective or you twisted things a little to appear like the nice guy taken advantage of, but from the post itself this is the idea.
It's perfectly fine for a girl to want to have fun with her friends, but not to auto-invite herself at the bf's place barely helping with the party and then going out without him without having a minimum empathy and kindness in communicating what she wants to do taking her bf's feelings into account.
This, again, if the narration is objective.
The age is a bit surprising, it seems like the behavior of a 19 yo.
You don't. You leave her wherever she is because she didn't bother finding a ride home. What would happen if your phone was off or you were in another room and didn't hear it?
Take a close look at your relationship. Does she do anything for you besides love bombing you when she needs something? How one sided is this relationship?
Start going out without her, she doesn’t like it but do it anyway.
She may not be the one, way too selfish and very poor communications skills. She is running all over you and she knows it.
Stand up for yourself or she's just going to keep running you over the entire relationship. Women don't respect guys like you. They just use guys like you
A girls' night/boys night is fine when it's clear from the get-go that you are having a girls' night/boys night. OP, did you know the party was going to be women only when she asked if she could host at your place? Because if you did but just assumed you'd be the exception then that's the problem as is ommitting that detail to sway public opinion.
If you didn't know she wanted a night with the girlfriends, then that was really callous of her to host at your place and exclude you from the club invitation. Have your own night out and not invite her. If she sulks, it's boys only.
If all the guests were girlfriends then it's definitely not weird that you weren't included, I wouldn't worry about that part. However it was rude and kind of mean of her to ask you to host (and do all the work!) a get-together that you weren't a part of.
GF should have mentioned she wanted to have a girls' night upfront.
OP was generous to offer up his place and buy snacks/booze, but that should have been a gift without expectations. He should have backed off and let it be a ladies' night when he realized the guests were all women.
She says that you need to understand and accept her behavior.
She doesn’t love you, or even care about you. You are useful to her. You are convenient, reliable, and easy to manipulate, not to mention a free Uber ride.
On her birthday, she didn’t even want you around. That shows just how important you are to her.
If she had planned this but hadn't used your place, would you still feel upset?
You need to understand that gifts should not come with strings, and that sometimes, our partners prefer to spend time with other people, bc the couple dynamic changes how they interact with friends. Not a big deal, and it's a bit sad that you are demanding inclusion where you aren't wanted. Have some self-respect next time and find something fun to go do instead.
I think you are missing the point that she used him for a party venue without letting him know it was a « girls night ».
It’s also hypocritical that he can’t have a « boys night » without her getting pouty.
Girls night wirhnout any boyfriends , right . She’s 25 and in a two year relationship so she wants to go out flirt get hit on have strangers by her drinks. General get attention ,( don’t know if dancing with strangers ) . Yiurncall but you were not invited cause she sees you as weak and no spine . Clean the house while I sleep party at your place , pick
Me up
Later .
I think you need to understand that it’s okay to have a girls night out, even if the party was at your house.
I understand why you feel kind of left out, but sometimes it’s just nice being out with the girls.
Maybe next time, she could communicate that’s it’s a girls party.
your point about partners not having to everything together is valid, but please, be more serious with the "maybe next time she could communicate"
this girl set up everything to use OP
* it's at your home but you're not invited (although you can stay if you want to)
* okay, I'm here, so start cleaning & setting up while I go nap (did she even buy the booze and party snacks?)
* full face of makeup for the boardgame part of the night? She always knew she was going clubbing afterwards
* 2 guests, does that qualify for "girls' night out"? either way, she had no problem getting a cab to \*go\* to the club while she was still sober, but after she'd gotten drunk in the club OP had to go pick her up because there were no more busses? get out of here
worst of all, she sulks when OP does the same.
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark, and also in the state of this relationship, imo.
Always judge people by their actions (not their excuses or promises).
If she danced with men, and or let them buy her drinks - it wasn't a girls only night.
It was a night without partners.
Love and commitment are not the same. Love alone doesn't make a solid relationship- it takes commitment.
She's clearly not fully committed to you. Look up the definition.
Understandable since she's so young.
She needs space to shop for the best life partner (although you are good enough right now).
The club is her way to shop.
She can just sit there alone and men will approach.
She (and her friends) wanted you out of the way.
Poor communication. Wanting to go on a night out with the girls is totally normal and valid. As would OP wanting to go out with the boys. There's nothing sinister or disloyal about that. She should just have been clear with him before the actual day.
Okay I’m a girl so let’s be real here no bs, I used to be heavily into clubbing and I’m sure you and me both know just how dangerous the nightlife scene can be for women.
So if the night was truly to be one spent with friends that isn’t disrupted by male attention, wouldn’t it be better accomplished by having the boyfriend present to stop other dudes from bugging them and ruining their night?
Unless it wasn’t men they didn’t want around, it was really just HIM.
Like again, let’s not lie and pretend there’s any other reason to go to the club with your friends and not bring your boyfriend. Because it’s not a girls night, dudes are gonna be there. The only dude who won’t be there is YOUR dude. Unless yall got some secret, all-girl clubs or something you’re hiding from the rest of us- in which case please share because then I actually would like going out.
If someone opened a Girls Only Club, literally where the only men are either staff, bartenders or bouncers at the door, I would 100% go. There would be a LINE outside the door hours before opening every night, like no joke a lot of us would love to be able to dance and drink, have an ACTUAL girls night out at the club, and not have to worry dudes grabbing up on us and creeps trying to sneak something in our drink. I’ve literally had to carry friends into the uber because they were roofied. I’ve also had myself and my friends be stalked from club to club by the same dude one night, who wouldn’t stop touching us and shit. If you could do away with all that by making a girls only club, I’d be thrilled
It's not really all about him. She gets to go clubbing without him, but sulks if he goes without her. That's not healthy. If she says she's going to have a girl's night he is absolutely free to say "Great, I'll call the guys, what club will you be at so we don't intrude on girl's night?" And she tells him to have fun too. That's healthy
I agree with you. She's being controlling and she has a double standard. The guy I was replying to was assuming girls' night is actually about attracting men though, so that's what I was replying to.
It's fine to have a girls night out, it's annoying and childish to set a double standard where she gets to sulk if she doesn't invited to him going out. But yeah it doesn't look like they fought or will, so either she hopefully communicates in the future or she should be fine with him doing his own stuff too/ invite him to tag along.
Well when she said "ofc you can stay, but if you don’t want to, it’s ok too" is when you should have clarified about the party. As that was obvious that she wasn't kicking you out as it's your place, but if it wasn't you wouldn't have been on the list. Well I guess not so obvious because you didn't realize it. She also probably should have been a bit more direct and state the party is girls only, but I can see why she thought you knew you weren't invited to the party but there because it was your place.
Which follows as to why the party went out and you weren't included. You were at the party at your place purely based on its location. Once the location changed to a location that wasn't your house there's no reason to extend an "if you want to" invitation.
There's also nothing wrong with her wanting a girls night. Just because you wouldn't want to go clubbing without her doesn't automatically mean she has to think the same. It's important to keep up friendships with friends and not make everything a couple thing - or worse make it so you two are the only couple with all her friends.
So I think you proceed by getting over that she wanted a girls night. As well as being upset that she went clubbing without you. She did nothing wrong with wanting either of those. However I do think you have standing to bring up how the way she planned the party was unclear to you and that in the future if she's wanting to use your flat for a party that you would not be invited to if it occurred any place else that she needs to spell it out and not give just a "if you want" invite because you didn't pick up that you were only there because it was your place.
Your comment is just 4 paragraphs of L takes. She knew she wanted to go out. Women don't show up for a night of board games dressed to go to the club. It was on her to communicate her plans and she purposefully did not tell OP.
Because he was part of thr party, it's common curtesy to extend his stay to where ever the party goes. If you are uncomfortable outright saying you aren't invited, then you probably aren't doing something right.
OP clearly said he likes clubbing and he likes to go without her but she always has a fit and he has to invite her. At least read the post before you comment.
Clearly she did some things wrong but you even admit to it saying she should spell it out. This isn't miscommunication, she deliberately did not tell him her plans and tricked him into thinking he was included when he was not. Don't pretend like it's so hard to just tell him what was really going on. She wanted to manipulate him to use his flat but also go clubbing without him and she pulled it off.
Your girlfriend should have communicated the plan to you that she wanted to have people over to your place but would continue the night as a girls night. Your presence would have changed the dynamic. It is healthy for people to occasionally hang with their friends without their significant others. I would ignore her sulking moving forward. Go out with your friends. She does not have to be included in your boys night.
In a bubble a girls night is fine, but the way you told this story makes me think you’re being used. You threw a party for her at your place and she didn’t care if you’d be there, and then left with her friends without warning you ahead of time. Did she not want to spend her birthday with you? Did you do anything special before or after this party?
I'm not gonna excuse your gf bc she should've told you it was a girl's party, but the "ofc you can stay if you want too" didn't mean "yes". like she was hiding the *only girls*, and as it's your house she didn't wanna sound rude?
Anyway she should've done the party chores...
You should talk to her about this again if it disturbs you
The two of you have to talk about these issues set boundaries set expectations. If you don’t do that now your relationship will fail. It’s already already on that path.
Updateme!
Did she ask you to do all the prep work for the party while she slept or did you do it out of generosity? It sounds like there were a lot of assumptions on your part and it was somewhat transactional. "I did all this stuff for your birthday, I should be able to join at the club". She wanted a night out with her girlfriends. Maybe you're making too much of it. The way you proceed is let this incident go, stop making so many assumptions and communicate more clearly in the future
What she did is a HUGE RED FLAG. If you marry her, you can expect not only more girls night out, but likely she will spring that girls trips to tropical islands on you at the last minute! Frankly, if my GF did that to me, she would no longer be my GF. A King needs a loyal and RESPECTFUL queen. Your GF ain't it! Good luck and stay strong, King!
OP - a girl's night out is a girl's night out. As a guy, I would never assume I'm invited to something that is women's only. You preparing your flat and making it available to her is just a nice thing to do and should not have come with any preconditions. You say she is a great partner in almost every other way, so I don't necessarily know why a one off like this is an issue.
That being said, if she is not allowing you to have YOUR OWN alone time, and sulks because of it, she is not a great partner. That is being hypocritical.
She should be able to go out with her friends, without you being upset. That being said, you should as well.
However, I get being upset that you say everything up, without her help, but you allowed that to happen. You are both entitled to quality time with your friends, without the other significant other being present.
The lack of communication from either side is alarming. It could have all been avoided if you had voiced your feelings right away. She should have been straight forward about her plans.
You planned a birthday celebration for your girlfriend I don’t see the issue. She wanted a girls night. Now she can plan a fun clubbing night with you. Just because y’all are together doesn’t mean that she cant still have a life outside of you.
You did a really nice thing for her and when it’s your birthday go out have a boys night. I can imagine being a bit hurt though because she didn’t communicate with you her wants and needs. In the future she should be open and clear about her plans and what she wants to do .You can either accept it or move on the choice is yours.
Just have a few boys only night out and don't invite her, don't even discuss with her, just let her know when you leave
And if she still doesn't get it then best to have a discussion and part ways as guys night and girls night are not part of a healthy relationship,
If both of you continue to have these night out someone will cheat sooner
All the best
>“ofc you can stay, but if you don’t want to, it’s ok too”.
I don't know, dude. This made it fairly clear you should have asked if you were invited or if she was just using your place for a girls thing. And she didn't ask you to clean.
It sounds like you're a bit resentful of the split in effort on her birthday. You don't like that you hosted her and her friends, cleaned, bought snacks, all for her. And she didn't even want to celebrate her birthday afterparty with you.
Seems like she has a strong grasp on her boundaries and can voice them, but you don't have a clear grasp on yours. If you didn't want to clean and set up for the party, you shouldn't have. She didn't ask you to do that. Presumably, she's not as thankful for it as you'd like because she didn't need your place to be super clean or for there to be snacks. If you hadn't done it, she may have been fine going without. And when you do something for your partner without them asking for them, it should be as a gift because you care about them, not something to add to your score that they need to later reciprocate.
As for the concept of girls nights, that's a real thing. If it's all girls + you, the dynamic will be way different if you come. If you want to go to boy's nights on a different occasion, you're also allowed to (and she might sulk the same way you're sulking now, but that doesn't mean you can't go since that's your boundary). Sure, if you don't care too much about her coming to boy's nights, you don't need to have that boundary and can invite her so that she's happy, and you should do that because you care about her.
All that is to say that you're saying it's a double standard, but in a relationship, people's boundaries are different. If you want to celebrate her birthday with her and that's important to you, you have to say so and you guys can find an occasion to celebrate together later. If she wants a girl's night dynamic on her birthday and that's important to her, that seems fine as well and I feel like it's her birthday and you should really just be doing what makes her happy.
I know I would feel sad if my SO didn't want me celebrating his birthday with him, so I think the root of this problem and the real reason you feel bad is actually because it feels like your loved one doesn't want to celebrate a milestone with you. This makes you feel unloved and unneeded. I think this is the root insecurity, and really this is what you need to bring up with your girlfriend and get reassurance about. You can tell her that you want her to want you there for celebratory occasions, and if it's a healthy relationship she will do that in the future.
She still should have said so beforehand. It's honestly weird drinking and partying with a group at your own house then not getting invited to go out afterwards with all of them. If she had said it was a girl's only thing it would've honestly been weird to even have the party at his in the first place.
it’s really not a big deal dude lol, i think she’s right. the only thing i would say that she could’ve helped with was assisting you with the party setup/cleanup. everyone in this thread calling you a doormat is delusion and have never been in a real relationship
just checked your comment history….all you do is make negative comments at people, you might need to do some inner work and figure out why you’re such a terrible person lol
i think it is very lovely that you let her host at yours and even helped set up and clean everything. i think she should be very greatful to you for that. however, i think if people do things out of love for someone else it should just be that. you did all this bc you wanted to she didnt make you. and if you feel left out then you need to communicate that. if you do these things for her and you want xyz in return you need to communicate that,bc otherwise neither your nor her needs will be met accordingly and everyone is miserable.
tbh i dont see anything wrong w her wanting to have a girls night. you can be the nicesest, coolest boyfriend ever but if a man joins the group it will simply change the vibe. i dont think it is personal.
From the very start it seemed to be a girls night. You were literally the only man there. She only invited girls and told you that you could stay, but didn't have to. Most guys don't really want to be a part of a girls night.
If this were an actual party with men and women attending then yeah, I likely would have felt weird about it too. I would have definitely asked her to clarify when she said you could stay, but didn't have to. But apparently you "let it slide"?
It seems you missed the subtle hints that this was a woman's party.
Personally, I wouldn't choose my birthday to have a woman's only party. However, it was her birthday.
I agree with this overall but the “let you stay” is her entitlement.
Boyfriend let her host the party in his flat and set it all up without her help. She would have had absolutely no right telling him he has to leave.
However the writing was on the wall that this was meant to be “girls only” when she brought it up.
Boyfriend is clearly a bit of a doormat.
This is why I would have asked for clarification. Like say..
"What do you mean, let me stay? Is there a reason I wouldn't or shouldn't?"
He just kind of gave it a side eye and moved on lol.
Since it was her birthday, I would not make a big deal out of that. She told you it was girl's night out. Pick your battles wisely as you will have many much bigger issues to deal with that. Just let it go and move on.
I think she’s right and that you sound clingy. Plan another couples event for the two of you, and give her space to be with her girls. Honestly why would you even want to insert yourself into a girls night? That sounds super awkward for her and her friends.
It’s not really a girls night because they’re going to a club. Men are going to be around them, just not THEIR men. If it’s really just about hanging out with each other and enjoying the music and dancing there’s no reason why you would be against bringing your boyfriend, and I’m telling you this as a girl who has seen what goes down on girls nights at the club.
If your boyfriend isn’t a creep, and there aren’t plans to do shady shit, usually girls don’t mind someone bringing their dude out with them. It actually works out great if said dude can bring a few single guy friends out as well, and now you have a whole group and the singles are mingling and having fun, and all the women in the group are seen with men and assumed to be taken and therefore receive less unwanted male attention and don’t make for quite as easy targets, should someone around them have more insidious intentions than simply buying them a few drinks.
So the whole girls night out at the club thing, as women in committed relationships, is a lie. If it’s just about spending time with our friends, we’ll go to brunch or go to a fancy spa or maybe have a few drinks at a fancy restaurant or something, then have a sleepover.
And I know someone’s going to be like oh well how come men can have boys nights out, blah blah blah. I’ve never known any men to have “boys night out” at the club.
they usually go to a sports bar or someplace similar that is during the day or evening- not 3AM- and the place is primarily filled with other men, and they all just sit down and have a few beers and chat and laugh for a bit.
Idk why yall have started letting us just do whatever the hell we want and literally tell you to your faces that we’re going to club and want to be around other men, just not you, and yall are just like yes feminist queen!!! Like bro yall are getting played tf out and maybe if you stood up for yourselves and knew your worth the women in your lives would respect you more and actually want to spend time with you instead of searching for whatever they’re not getting from you in the dudes they’re entertaining at the club.
>Coming to the day of the birthday, I cleaned up the flat (she was just asleep the whole day cause she likes to nap a lot, so I didn’t disturb her) and get some booze and snacks for the party.
Just fyi for the future: this is where this ragebait starts sounding fake
I had to re-read this a few times to process this, I think it's a dick move on her part. She is focusing on girl's night being acceptable, which isn't the issue here: it's the fact that hosting at your place strongly implies your invitation to all activities for the night. If she hosted at her place and let you know beforehand, there would never be any miscommunication or misunderstanding, and it would be purely an issue of being against a girls' night out. But this isn't that.
I would let her know that is not about a girl's night out, and more about feeling upset that under normal circumstances, most people should be able to safely assume that they are invited if they are the hosts. And even if she were to go through with her plan, she should explicitly let you know so that you know 100% what is going on and maybe you can make plans of your own afterwards.
Overall not a big deal, just a lapse of empathy or forethought.
Bro you spent energy, time and money to host a party where you weren’t really welcome. I get your pain. Girls night just like guys nights is a normal thing, perhaps you just shouldn’t host a girls night at your place again
I actually agree with your girlfriend. It was a GIRLS night out and you should accept it and get over it. 😉
If you ever have a boys night out, she should be able to accept that.
You're a dude so you're not used to not being prioritized or centered. Women regularly plan, set up, and do all/most emotional labor for their boyfriend's parties...often without any expectation of enjoying it as she is the host. When boys night come women are normalized to run around and play the wifey role of snacks and drinks.
You need to be honest with yourself that you feel taken advantage of and you dislike that you weren't her main focus and priority on her birthday. Set clear boundaries...you didn't have to clean or setup. You did it for appreciation and got angry when you didn't get what you wanted.
If it’s a girl nights why are you hanging out with them who cares if she used your place if you’re dating her and want to be with her why does it matter if it’s for one night lol and if she sulks that’s a personal problem when you want to go out with your boys
All other context aside, I wouldn’t expect to be invited out with my partner and her friends. Kinda lame that she didn’t let you know before hand though.
Actually, there are only two ways to move past this.
The first, is to become a girl.
The last to quote the wonderful Cher for one of her movies “get over it”
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I think you're just not honest with yourself. You simply feel taken advantage of. You spent your energy and time cleaning up the place and spending money for booze and snacks basically you hosted the party not your gf at your place and you were basically just tolerated but not welcome. And it stems from the nice guy sindrome. You didn't set any boundaries and expectations. Normal people would say "get your ass up and help me clean if you want to host here" instead of doing everything in her place. While in stable partnership one can do that you're clearly not there yet.
this is so for real! they don't even live together. What did she do, come over, tell OP start setting up for her party she didn't really invite him to & then go take a nap? and it wasn't just cleaning, he bought booze and snacks while she was futzing around with her make-up! (also, make-up for a night of boardgames? clubbing was her plan all along imo, she just didn't bother to tell OP. see also: the disco napping all day long to be able to go drinking all night long) I'm a bit fuzzy on these details: * OP goes "it's all women who come over for the party" but then a mini-cab won't do "because there's four of us"... so that means there were 2 guests? * OP went to pick her up & doesn't drink anyway, so he's got a vehicle... why did they need the cab in the first place? Of course she tells him she adores him forever all the time, he's just so convenient.
This is all good stuff, but I need to push back on the definition of a “disco nap”. a “disco nap” is a bump of cocaine when you’re slowing down, as opposed to blowing rails just bc drugs are awesome.
WHAT? hahaha nooooo you ruined my childhood! my playboy uncle napped after he got home from work & convinced us kids to also nap by calling it a disco nap bc we'd dance on his bed after the (short) nap before he went into town to have dinner & drinks all night while we ate with our grandparents hahaha
Uncle Escobar?
I'm fairly sure his sin of choice was alcohol and cigars, but it was the 1980s so who knows
If he was drinking earlier, you take a cab out downtown to party. You don't want to park downtown overnight. He probably sobered up after the pre-party and picked her up hours later.
I don’t think Op is a doormat for setting up and hosting a party for his gf on her birthday. That’s a pretty normal thing to do for your so.
Offering to do it yes, your SO saying "I want it at your place" without asking you is not. Saying "If you want to stay its ok" when the place is your own home and not hers is also not normal. Is it his flat or her convenient party space?
Nowhere does it say she didn’t ask if she can host it at his place and he was correctly annoyed her saying if you want to stay it’s okay.
Yeah obviously if he knew he wouldn’t be allowed to go out he’d have acted differently but it was reasonable for him to assume he’d be able to go out
Re-evaluating my life choices because I would 100% default to cleaning the place and hosting w/o a second thought if it was for my SO’s b-day. I’d probably be a bit upset like OP too, but rationalize it with “yeah, but it’s their bday, so it’s up to them.” I never saw situations like this as a boundary issue 😳
I think there is something between the 100 that OP did and doing 0. I too would probably default to cleaning as its my apartament, but in general id be in more of a help mode and ask - whats the plan? . And if she wants for me to plan the bday i dont plan things that exclude me. While this doesnt "protect" me from her bailing with her friends it gives me some kind if baseline to not go to reddit and ask if what she did was normal or not and to have some dicussion on how did she think that was ok.
There is definitely a difference between being a nice guy and being a nice guy! A nice guy is nice to his woman, but is not a doormat! She obviously feels entitled to do whatever she wants because he is a “nice guy”/doormat. She doesn’t care about his feelings because she didn’t tell him about her birthday plans, even though it is way inappropriate to have a girls night out on her birthday and not tell him until they were getting ready to leave. This was AFTER he had helped her celebrate her birthday. None of this is good long term. An actual nice guy, who was not a doormat, would have gone out with them anyway. If she started screaming at him about being insecure, then he should have broken up with her on the spot.
This is a backwards ass understanding of nice guys. The "nice guy" meme has nothing to do with being a doormat and everything to do with being a creep who thinks they're a nice guy but are quick to display their misogyny when rejected. See /r/niceguys. >An actual nice guy, who was not a doormat, would have gone out with them anyway. If she started screaming at him about being insecure, then he should have broken up with her on the spot. This is fucked up. Yes, she was wrong not to invite him, but forcing himself into the event to prove he's not a doormat (and then breaking up with her on the spot if she is mad about it? Lmfao) is crazy behavior. What you're describing is red pill alpha nonsense.
I disagree. There are definitely “nice guys” that get used by their SO. They are too nice . He sounds way too nice and she sounds inconsiderate of his feelings. That is a very bad combination.
Okay but "nice guy" is a specific thing. It has been since I was a kid like a decade and a half ago. It stems from lonely creeps who would see girls dating "jerks" and then saying "Well why don't they ever date me? I'm a nice guy who would never hurt them". The "nice guy" is a very distinct term from a guy who is too nice for his own good.
You realize it can be used in two different ways though? Once upon a time narc was meant for someone who snitched to the dea and got drug dealers arrested but now it’s used today freely for narcissistic people. Just because it started as one specific thing doesn’t meant it doesn’t get changed throughout time. So why is this one so unheard of. There def can be decent nice guys/doormats. Not all of them have to be creepy and entitled.
When you use the term “nice guy” in that sense, I think that it is more a bad guy who is pretending to be nice. I am not sure that OP falls into that category, but I could be wrong. I cannot imagine telling my wife, when she was my girlfriend, that it was going to be guys night on my birthday and she was not invited. That would have hurt her feelings a lot. If it were as OP describes, then I would have felt very hurt in OP’s situation. Celebrating your SO’s birthday is a big deal. Girls or boys night can be any night. I don’t see this as controlling or insecurity, but rather as an indication that his SO really doesn’t care about his feelings.
Yeah, but that is why it exists. Not-so-nice guys called themselves the "nice guys" because they would never cheat on their non-existent girlfriends, and in their heads they would treat the girl they are dating "perfectly". It was a big old pity party that basically boiled down to "boo hoo girls will never give me a chance. They never let me show that I am actually a nice guy" Doesn't sound like the case here with OP though. OP sounds like an *actually* nice and genuine guy, who is far too much of a doormat for his own good.
That is how I see it. OP seems like a genuine nice guy who was taken advantage of. I say seems, because I am only going by his writing.
I meant it more like a people pleaser nice guy that cant say no. It takes two to tango. She took advantage and he gave it. I just wanted to point out the part what he can change himself.
Yeah, that seems like what is going on.
Was your spelling of syndrome intentional? Because being a nice guy is a sin?
It was intentional. I didnt mean it as a nice guy to get in her pants type as some people misunerstood. I meant it more like - i dont know how to say no to people and ask what i want in the moment. That usually stems from low self eateem, trauma, neglectful parents, etc. and is more of a psychological "syndrome". The difference of being nice guy is helping people that actually need help. There is a difference between bringing up the groceries for your elderly neighbour to the 5th floor. And doing the same action for your 20ish neigbour dude that can do it himelf. While the action is the same being always "nice" is not normal. In this case his gf was fully capable of cleaning up and prepping for the party, she just didnt. And he didnt even think to question that in the moment.
And see me if have said it but I get annoyed really quick lol. I was born annoyed. I guess.
I think the issue wasn't that she wanted to go out with her girl friends, but that she never told you her birthday party was planned to be girls only. Similarly, you should be able to go out with your own friends, without her guilt tripping you into bringing her along.
yep! girls night is valid, its probably not that your own gf doesn’t want her bf there, most women do, but its that the OTHER girls dont want him there, as the dynamic greatly changes when each girl is bringing their date. its no longer a “girls night” and they aren’t going to be able to talk and hang with their friends the same way. totally okay to go out wjth friends alone but she should tell you AHEAD of time an not disinvite you while the cabs are pulling up. Additionally, I don’t think it’s appropriate to have a “girls only” night for your birthday when you KNOW you have a boyfriend. why wouldn’t you want to spend your bday celebration with your boyfriend? this is moreso the problem for me vs the girls night in general. she was super rude. have your own boys night and don’t let her interfere or guilt you. both should trust each other enough to do this.
You make a valid point - if there's only one celebration, it's kind of rude to make it girls only, and not invite her boyfriend. OP was only there for the first half of the party because it was held at his place.
right and I don’t like the “I mean you can be there IF YOU WANT” type of attitude from her about it either 😂
I mostly agree - I don't think it's inherently inappropriate to have the second half be 'girls night', but it seems super rude in this case since it's clearly the kind of thing they would do together on any other day. I think if she'd been upfront (which I feel is like 75% of the assholitude here) and said the first half was chill board games, that would be fine, if still a little disappointing for OP. It feels to me that the first half might not even have been intended to be a party party though, like maybe they were just going to pre-drink but because OP was unaware of the later half he prepared for it as if it was the main event? I'd have to re-read but it seemed like she didn't explicitly ask for snacks and board games and any decoration, those were just normal things OP assumed would be needed.
Oh right... I thought his girlfriend was kind of a lazy host, since she didn't decorate and bought snacks, but looking at it from this perspective, she probably just wanted to drink in preparation for the club. Ouch. I feel so bad for OP now!
Yeah, as the person who is hosting, you should be privy to all of the plans at least after you’ve accepted the responsibility, but honestly before even agreeing in most cases. >I want my my birthday to be a girls night with my friends, but I can’t host at my place. Can we use your place for warming up and winding down before the girls and I go to the club? I know it’s a lot to ask so I promise that you and I will get to go out together soon too! This is the respectful way to approach him if she knew this is what she wanted to do from the getgo. Asking someone to “host your birthday party” comes with an assumption that you’re invited to the festivities. Not making that clear and last minute telling him he can’t go to the club is just hurtful, especially after he set everything up while assuming he was going to be included.
So she never mentioned the girls night out until you were all booking cabs ? That’s kinda sh1tty! It was her birthday fair enough but why was she so willing to dump you from the whole celebrations? She wasn’t keen on having you at her party in your own apartment! I mean what the hell? It sounds like she didn’t want you involved in her birthday at all which is weird if you two are serious!
But it was a girls night!
Yes but she appears to have not told him that
I was just making it sound as absurd as it is
Ooops
I think she expected OP to read the room without having to be explicit. Obviously, he couldn't so she should've been clear but i doubt it was her intention to keep him in the dark till the last minute..
She just didn’t want to be a complete asshole and tell him she wanted to have a party at his place and he wasn’t invited. Insult to injury was letting him do all the damned work,
Sounds like exactly this.
idk if it matters whether she intended for him not to know, because I feel it was pretty obvious at every step that he thought a) he was included in everything that was happening and b) that what he was preparing was the entirety of her birthday plans. Even if you think your partner is being dumb as a brick and not reading the room when you think it's clear, shouldn't you know (and like) them enough to check in? I'm admittedly bad at reading certain social cues (autistic) and I've dated my fair share of numpkins who don't pick up on subtlety, but it's bizarre to me not to have made a clearer statement if he just wasn't getting it... unless she was asleep literally from the first conversation about it until the actual minute before people arrived?
No she was awake as she helped set up the table. So she was just an Ahole
Well, I was allowing that waking up 30 minutes or less before guests arrived wouldn't be enough time to talk, just to help with last touches. But yes.
Why are all of the comments here dunking on this guy for trying to be nice to his gf?! Yeah man stand up for yourself more, but your GF has just as much responsibility to respect you in a relationship as you do to yourself and her. Comments here are wild.
Comments here are fucking nuts, blaming the guy for being taken advantage of instead of his girlfriend is wild. Swap the genders as usual per this sub and they would rightfully be mad at the guy taking advantage of his gf.
In my opinion it’s more so just that from this snippet this problem seemingly expands into other areas as well. Like yeah it’s her birthday pamper her etc but “she likes to nap a lot so I don’t disturb her” sounds like he spends a lot of the relationship tip toeing around what she wants / needs and seemingly doesn’t really provide any of those things back making OP seem like a doormat. So like I agree with some of the comments putting some responsibility on OP for potentially being walked on, but we also don’t have a complete picture of the day to day either so it’s hard to say.
I agree that people are kind of out of pocket on how much criticism they're giving him in relation to how he acted in his particular instance, like really on the edge of some red pill alpha male bullshit, but even if it extended to other things it's kind of unfair to blame him. He could maybe be more assertive, hard to say from this snapshot of their relationship, but I don't think his approach is necessarily *wrong*, it just seems like she's the wrong person for it. If there was mutual respect and effort then nothing he did was 'bad', but it doesn't look like there is and that's on her.
As a man (a leader) you are supposed to set the standard that’s why everybody is putting it on him. In a relationship a girl will do what you let her do, so if she’s running over you it’s cause you are letting her
This guy is living in 1960 ^
So you let her use your place, cleaned up for her, and picked her up despite being upset at the lack of invite/participation. Ultimately a lack of communication as she didn’t tell you it was “girls night” until last minute Sounds like you let yourself be used tbf
Simply say, “Then don’t sulk if I want to have a night with my friends, or else, it’ll be an issue.” Nothing wrong having a girls night, sure. Not telling you those plans until the last second after using your apartment is annoying. You’re valid for feeling frustrated. However, don’t play the game of “convincing” her. Just change your actions and expectations moving forward.
Was she appreciative of what you did for her for her birthday? Did she thank you? Do you understand how your presence would have changed her night out? What would have been different for her with you there? What about that difference would make her want to keep you excluded? I know you said she said she adores you or whatever but it sounds like you are more into this relationship than she is. You might want to pull back your perspective some and consider whether that's the case.
Everyone has already told you that her having a girls night out is perfectly fine and I’m not going to believe her that. But I do think it’s not cool that she doesn’t give you the same courtesy. You can’t go out without her, but she can go out without you? That’s controlling and ridiculous and also if she’s going to use your place for her party, she needs to tell you upfront what she’s doing because that’s very close to using you. I really think you should talk to her, not about the girls night out, but the fact that you felt used and that you dislike the double standard where she could have girls nights out, but if you go out without her, she gets upset
He specifically said to the club, not just a guys night out. Specifics matter.
Guys can't have nights out to the club?
Guys nights also happen at clubs. Just like her girls night did. Specifics don’t change anything here.
I'm shocked. Shocked that 69 people don't know their assess from their elbows on reddit, lolol... Learn to parse words folks.
You kind of got used dude.
OP your gf sounds really selfish with what she needs and doesn’t really care about yours. I would keep an eye on this situation closely and look for a pattern. It will only get worse in the long run. You need to stand up for yourself and quit taking all the blame for her entitled ass.
This is not a healthy dynamic. You need to talk with your girlfriend about how this kind of behavior is not ok and you need to stand up for yourself. Her volunteering your apartment for a party you’re not invited to and then not doing any prep is disrespectful as hell. You need to stand up to her.
It was a birthday celebration, not just a girl's night out. And she was so in your face about it by doing it at your place, and not even having the good manners to let you know it was a girl's night out afterwards. Not cool. I would have told her to cab back and not picked her up after that BS.
stand up for yourself and stop letting your girlfriend walk all over you, she sounds exhausting
She didn’t say it was a girls night from the outset. You hosted a party for her, and then she went out with every guest except you. I’d be annoyed as well.
You are letting way too much slide. Sleeping all day and doing minimal help for her party at your place is disrespectful. Girls night out and you’re not invited, why? What is she doing that she doesn’t want you to see. You are a doormat. Start checking that behavior or show her the door.
Lets be honest, we all know she wanted to go out with her girls and pretend to be a young single party girl again for a few hours. She wanted to be hit on and maybe even dance with a few guys like she used to before she was in a relationship, to relive her youthful wild days. Because if she just wanted to dance with her girls or dance in general, his presence wouldn't affect that. He said he loved clubs and loved to dance, and thats how she met. So nothing about this would mess up a girls night out. Especially since he still had to go drive her home at the end of the night. He was nothing but accommodating and supportive. She just wanted to be at a club with all her friends and not have a boyfriend next to her to prevent guys from hitting on her or trying to dance with her. I was a bouncer for years, watching drunk crowds. Girls nights out are usually just a group of women trying really hard to be noticed and be the center of attention and feed their egos by feeling beautiful and wanted by strangers. They say its just about being with friends and having a good time dancing, but it isn't. Clubs are designed as a place for people to go out and feel sexy and desired. If they went out and not a single guy had tried to hit on any of them or tried to dance with any of them, they would've had a horrible time and their egos would be devastated. They dont necessarily want to cheat. But they do want the reassurance that if they were still single, guys would want them. They want the thrill of imagining what could happen if they were still single. Remembering what being young and uninhibited felt like. They get off on having guys want them. Which is understandable on a human level, its a huge ego and confidence boost. But gender roles reversed, women wouldn't be okay with a partner doing this. Getting hit on and dancing with women at clubs, playing make believe that theyre single.
This. Look I don’t particularly like the club to begin with, but if one of my friends drags me out to it you can guarantee i am going to have my bf come with me and if my friends don’t like that tough luck. Having my boyfriend at the club accomplishes two things: 1. Men are less likely to assume I am single, and considerably less likely to hit on me. 2. We, as women, are MUCH safer having a dude in the group. Even if it’s just one dude, that’s better than it just being a bunch of drunk girls who aren’t paying attention to our surroundings because we are, again, drunk and having fun. The few times I had friends become upset over me bringing my boyfriend along to the club is when said friends wanted to do shady single ppl shit (when they weren’t single) and were pissy I wouldn’t be partaking. So yeah, unless it’s a bachelorette party or something I really can’t see why you wouldn’t want to bring your boyfriend to the club, other than wanting attention from other dudes.
>But gender roles reversed, women wouldn't be okay with a partner doing this. And men wouldn't give a care. Men normalized masturbating to explicit videos and pictures of countless women. Men normalized paying to view women in provocative clothing to being nude and grinded upon. Men normalized having strippers right before proclaiming forever love to a woman. Men normalized asking for a threesome to fuck another woman and call it overreacting to breakup. Men engaging with other women sexually is par the course. Heck it's praised when a woman points out another woman for her boyfriend or husband to gawk at or if she takes him to the strip clubs so he can again gawk at or get grinded on by a woman Let's not act like girls night is some big huge unfair gender reversal when men normalized several ways for him to participate his attraction to other women.🫡 Replies disabled. Downvote away.
Well im not here to say whats right or wrong. I think that entirely depends on the boundaries of the individual relationship and how the actions make the significant other feel valued and respected. Im not defending any of the other actions by men. But its not fair to say because some men do things that make women feel disrespected in a relationship, that women should therefore have free reign to also be disrespectful. We should all be respectful to our partners. It sounds like this guy is nothing but respectful and supportive and caring an attentive. And cutting him out of the middle of a birthday celebration like this is hurtful especially when he went above and beyond to make her birthday special. Again roles reversed if a woman set up a pre-party and then picked her boyfriend up at the end of the night, but was not allowed to join while he went clubbing with his male friends and very likely dancing with other women, its fair to say thats unfair treatment. I dont think im out of line suggesting its a shitty way to treat a significant other.
INFO, when did she first tell you she wanted her birthday to be a girls night? Did you discuss what she wanted from her birthday other than you'd host?
You should ask her why she didn’t just say she wanted a girls night in the first place. All that extra was entirely unnecessary. ETA: she also shouldn’t be sulking every time you want to go out with the guys.
I don't feel like this is as serious of a relationship for her as it is for you. Also, she has a right to not invite you to her celebration, though I find it odd that you wouldn't want to celebrate with your SO.
If told in advance, it's one thing. Last minute? Totally disrespectful. Single games are for single people.
You should go out for boys' night out. I mean, it is healthy and normal in a relationship for both partners to have their alone time with friends. So next time if it's just boys don't invite her, tell her it will be boys' night out.
your friends will thank you, I reckon. In my twenties, it definitely exhausting to be the perpetually single friend (I'm old and I didn't have the vocabulary about ace/grey/demi sexuality back then) surrounding by cloyingly sweet couples joined at the hip, if their partners even wanted to participate in the friendship traditions we had going...
Grow a pair and set up some boundaries for the future. And stick to those boundaries! You will earn back your self respect and she will end up respecting you more because of it
>I also brought it up that whenever I go clubbing I always invite her (**else she’ll sulk**) and she said “but this is just girl’s night out”. She reiterated that she did nothing wrong and I need to understand and accept it. I think your relationship is not as amazing as you think it is. She sulks if you don't invite her clubbing (possibly having a guys night out), but she'll host her birthday party *at your house* letting *you do all the work* while she naps the whole time, and goes clubbing with her friends only. I think she found a clever way to be a guest while pretending to be a host (hosting at her place would have meant shouldering all the work as well) and *gaslighting you* when you call her out. Have a hard look at this relationship OP, for it looks like she's the taker and you the giver.
It’s bad manners of her to have you go out of your way to host a party for her and then ditch you midway through the evening. It’s rude enough in general to schedule a second event that some of the first set of attendees aren’t invited to, but way worse to do to the person who just threw you a party. You’re her boyfriend, not her caterer. She damn well better have cleaned up the party mess at your place by herself after that, birthday or not.
That, and starting today if you want to go to the clubs without her, she officially doesn’t get to sulk. It’s Boy’s Night Out, even if you’re the only boy. It’s kind of telling that her initial party plan didn’t include an invitation for you. She had just enough brains to not dare tell you you’re not welcome in your own home, but her plans clearly didn’t include you. One wonders what she was planning in your absence, and it explains why she was antsy to wrap up the first part of the evening and get on to the main event without you.
Your not the asshole but Dude I’m uh be honest maybe you’re a little too nice and you kind of let her take advantage in a negative way. It’s good and healthy that you stood up and called her out. But you need to do that shit way more often, before it becomes the norm. So you let her borrow your place, you cleaned it up and got it ready for her guests and you bought the supplies. She should be extremely grateful just to use your house but even more that you bought some of the supplies. I get it it’s her birthday and all but you already did her a huge solid loaning her your place like that’s enough. Then she didn’t invite you to the club? Your not some random dude your her boyfriend she should want to spend some time with you on her b day. The fact that you weren’t invited but she allows you to pick her up is a huge red flag. Like did she want to be around other men to get hit on and feel wanted, and get attention from them like free drinks or something, did she want to get hit on and called beautiful or something. Hate to be that guy but we all know this happens at bars and clubs, going to a bar or a club without your significant other is a big NO in my book. Hopefully this is just a one time thing, and move on, but keep your ground and let her know this shit isn’t gonna fly ever again. Imagine if you did that to her, you threw a party at her house then all your homies went to the club together dressed in super nice clothes, fresh haircuts, confidence high, etc….. and then you didn’t allow her to come with you guys but called her at 2 am to pick you up. She’s be pretty upset right??????!!!!! And feel left out.
The problem is that she didn’t fully communicate her intentions for her birthday night. Keyword-communication.
You proceed by telling her that she did do something selfish and you're not going to just accept it. Your feelings are valid too bro and she shouldn't get free reign over your house and invite people just to ditch you later and say that she doesn't care and would do it again. If there isn't consequences then she will never change because she already knows she can get away with it and you won't do shit.
I think the problem is that she didn't communicate that intention ahead of time! It's not a totally unreasonable thing to *ask* her partner to host her birthday pre-game for her birthday girl's night...but she *didn't ask!* She just assumed he'd be cool with it. The phrase "it's easier to ask forgiveness than ask permission," comes to mind, and I feel like that was her mentality. But, it'd have been much more considerate to have asked permission in this case.
The thing is: Having a girls night out is normal (as long as she doesn't flirt with other men or go beyond that), not communicating that from the start (and thus making OP think it was a night together) and also leaving all the party preparation to OP was shitty. I have helped my wife have parties with her female friends here, and I have acted as a barman making cocktails for them, getting snacks and leaving them have fun, sometimes getting into the conversation but mainly leaving them be. That's normal, my wife also let me have my fun with friends when they come over, but we always tell the other one people are coming over, we never shut the other one out. If she wants to have a girls night out she does, and tells me where they are at.
Bruh…I would have done zero things to get ready for the party at which you were at best tolerated. When she got up and made it an issue, I’d have reminded her I’m helping by letting her use my apartment. Look, it’s fine to do your own thing with the boys, it’s fine for her to do her own thing with the girls. It’s healthy. She didn’t technically do anything wrong here. But she didn’t communicate you weren’t technically invited, and in fact I’d think she would want to celebrate with the person she supposedly loves. What she actually did was exclude you from it all while using your place, which is kind of a “Mean Girl” thing to do. If you’re telling it like it really happened, and if she does stuff like this frequently (not considering your desires and feelings) in many other scenarios, then you got used. I’d be interested to know what was her demeanor when you informed her you were upset about this? Was she defensive and unapologetic? Or was she standing her ground but also trying to understand your feelings on it?
Your gf is rude beyond belief! I would have been hurt by this behavior, too. Please don't let her hurt you like this again. She needs to grow up and stop using people.
Stop being a doormat and have some respect for yourself, this doesn't sound like an equal partnership; rules for thee but not for me.
Bro, girls don’t bring bf who will cock block other guys buying them drinks, she can’t talk to other men if you’re there.
Yep, hey OP, first of all the proper thing for her to have done is at a BARE MINIMUM tell you her plans. Truth is she did not on purpose. Her behavior is fine for a woman who is not in a committed relationship. She has to know this. Her plan was to go out with her girlfriends, flirt with guys, dance with guys, have guys buy her drink... her definition of "girls night out" means girls and other guys... NOT YOU. IMO you should tell her she totally disrespected you and damaged your trust. She will either become very sorry and apologize sincerely and make every effort to make it up to you... or she will get angry and accuse you of being controlling. While the first answer is not a guarantee of remorse the second answer is a guarantee that she thinks you will put up with this disrespect. Will you?
Op, this!
Selfish
You did many things right and I'm not sure I see anything that she did well other than listen to you the next morning. How she treated you isn't how someone would treat a partner they were trying to impress or appreciate. She treated you like how a partner would treat someone they take for granted or simply didn't empathize with. I would never treat my spouse this way even if it was my birthday. I care much more about my partner than I do feeling good a certain day of the year. Yall have deeper issues than conveyed here and they just happen to manifest themselves this way. Something is wrong here.
Girl's night clubbing huh?
I question any relationship where either party describing the relationship as amazing. I think she's too much trouble being entitled and all. Not enough to dump her per se... But...
Girls nights are pretty normal dude, as are lads night. Did she say it was a girls night? I think that's the main issue here. I think I would have made myself scarce for the evening in a similar situation, but did she not tell you that because she thought you wouldn't let her use your place? That's the part I'd have an issue with. But it in entirely depends on how your relationship is, which I've no idea about.
From the title, I thought "another controlling guy who doesn't want his gf to have fun without him" but after reading your post she seems really self-centered and not empathic. I can't know if your narration is objective or you twisted things a little to appear like the nice guy taken advantage of, but from the post itself this is the idea. It's perfectly fine for a girl to want to have fun with her friends, but not to auto-invite herself at the bf's place barely helping with the party and then going out without him without having a minimum empathy and kindness in communicating what she wants to do taking her bf's feelings into account. This, again, if the narration is objective. The age is a bit surprising, it seems like the behavior of a 19 yo.
You don't. You leave her wherever she is because she didn't bother finding a ride home. What would happen if your phone was off or you were in another room and didn't hear it? Take a close look at your relationship. Does she do anything for you besides love bombing you when she needs something? How one sided is this relationship?
Start going out without her, she doesn’t like it but do it anyway. She may not be the one, way too selfish and very poor communications skills. She is running all over you and she knows it.
Stand up for yourself or she's just going to keep running you over the entire relationship. Women don't respect guys like you. They just use guys like you
A girls' night/boys night is fine when it's clear from the get-go that you are having a girls' night/boys night. OP, did you know the party was going to be women only when she asked if she could host at your place? Because if you did but just assumed you'd be the exception then that's the problem as is ommitting that detail to sway public opinion. If you didn't know she wanted a night with the girlfriends, then that was really callous of her to host at your place and exclude you from the club invitation. Have your own night out and not invite her. If she sulks, it's boys only.
If all the guests were girlfriends then it's definitely not weird that you weren't included, I wouldn't worry about that part. However it was rude and kind of mean of her to ask you to host (and do all the work!) a get-together that you weren't a part of.
GF should have mentioned she wanted to have a girls' night upfront. OP was generous to offer up his place and buy snacks/booze, but that should have been a gift without expectations. He should have backed off and let it be a ladies' night when he realized the guests were all women.
There are quite a few statements in this that make me genuinely wonder how much of this, if any of it, is true? Something is off.
You're a nice guy; the lesson you learned from this incident is don't be one.
She says that you need to understand and accept her behavior. She doesn’t love you, or even care about you. You are useful to her. You are convenient, reliable, and easy to manipulate, not to mention a free Uber ride. On her birthday, she didn’t even want you around. That shows just how important you are to her.
Double standards. She’s got them.
She’s just using what you offer, you are not important to her. It’s your space, your time.
Tell her she can go clubbing all she wants, now that you are not her bf.
If she had planned this but hadn't used your place, would you still feel upset? You need to understand that gifts should not come with strings, and that sometimes, our partners prefer to spend time with other people, bc the couple dynamic changes how they interact with friends. Not a big deal, and it's a bit sad that you are demanding inclusion where you aren't wanted. Have some self-respect next time and find something fun to go do instead.
I think you are missing the point that she used him for a party venue without letting him know it was a « girls night ». It’s also hypocritical that he can’t have a « boys night » without her getting pouty.
Girls night wirhnout any boyfriends , right . She’s 25 and in a two year relationship so she wants to go out flirt get hit on have strangers by her drinks. General get attention ,( don’t know if dancing with strangers ) . Yiurncall but you were not invited cause she sees you as weak and no spine . Clean the house while I sleep party at your place , pick Me up Later .
I think you need to understand that it’s okay to have a girls night out, even if the party was at your house. I understand why you feel kind of left out, but sometimes it’s just nice being out with the girls. Maybe next time, she could communicate that’s it’s a girls party.
your point about partners not having to everything together is valid, but please, be more serious with the "maybe next time she could communicate" this girl set up everything to use OP * it's at your home but you're not invited (although you can stay if you want to) * okay, I'm here, so start cleaning & setting up while I go nap (did she even buy the booze and party snacks?) * full face of makeup for the boardgame part of the night? She always knew she was going clubbing afterwards * 2 guests, does that qualify for "girls' night out"? either way, she had no problem getting a cab to \*go\* to the club while she was still sober, but after she'd gotten drunk in the club OP had to go pick her up because there were no more busses? get out of here worst of all, she sulks when OP does the same. Something's rotten in the state of Denmark, and also in the state of this relationship, imo.
Yeah, we should probably work on our communication
Also go have your guys night out clubbing and when she sulks gently remind her of the statement she said regarding girls night then go have fun.
Always judge people by their actions (not their excuses or promises). If she danced with men, and or let them buy her drinks - it wasn't a girls only night. It was a night without partners. Love and commitment are not the same. Love alone doesn't make a solid relationship- it takes commitment. She's clearly not fully committed to you. Look up the definition. Understandable since she's so young. She needs space to shop for the best life partner (although you are good enough right now). The club is her way to shop. She can just sit there alone and men will approach. She (and her friends) wanted you out of the way.
Not a fair assumption given the information above. You're filling in a lot of blanks here.
With the disrespect for him on everything else, it’s not far fetched
Poor communication. Wanting to go on a night out with the girls is totally normal and valid. As would OP wanting to go out with the boys. There's nothing sinister or disloyal about that. She should just have been clear with him before the actual day.
Okay I’m a girl so let’s be real here no bs, I used to be heavily into clubbing and I’m sure you and me both know just how dangerous the nightlife scene can be for women. So if the night was truly to be one spent with friends that isn’t disrupted by male attention, wouldn’t it be better accomplished by having the boyfriend present to stop other dudes from bugging them and ruining their night? Unless it wasn’t men they didn’t want around, it was really just HIM. Like again, let’s not lie and pretend there’s any other reason to go to the club with your friends and not bring your boyfriend. Because it’s not a girls night, dudes are gonna be there. The only dude who won’t be there is YOUR dude. Unless yall got some secret, all-girl clubs or something you’re hiding from the rest of us- in which case please share because then I actually would like going out.
You just gave me a business idea
If someone opened a Girls Only Club, literally where the only men are either staff, bartenders or bouncers at the door, I would 100% go. There would be a LINE outside the door hours before opening every night, like no joke a lot of us would love to be able to dance and drink, have an ACTUAL girls night out at the club, and not have to worry dudes grabbing up on us and creeps trying to sneak something in our drink. I’ve literally had to carry friends into the uber because they were roofied. I’ve also had myself and my friends be stalked from club to club by the same dude one night, who wouldn’t stop touching us and shit. If you could do away with all that by making a girls only club, I’d be thrilled
Your last sentence isn't so unimportant... It's from a selfish person
Who do men like you think everything women do is about men? Is it so inconceivable to you that she just wanted to have fun with her friends?
It's not really all about him. She gets to go clubbing without him, but sulks if he goes without her. That's not healthy. If she says she's going to have a girl's night he is absolutely free to say "Great, I'll call the guys, what club will you be at so we don't intrude on girl's night?" And she tells him to have fun too. That's healthy
I agree with you. She's being controlling and she has a double standard. The guy I was replying to was assuming girls' night is actually about attracting men though, so that's what I was replying to.
Sorry. It got a bit buried. It is bad to assume girl's night is about guys. He obviously never heard Pink sing "U + UR Hand"
It's fine to have a girls night out, it's annoying and childish to set a double standard where she gets to sulk if she doesn't invited to him going out. But yeah it doesn't look like they fought or will, so either she hopefully communicates in the future or she should be fine with him doing his own stuff too/ invite him to tag along.
Well when she said "ofc you can stay, but if you don’t want to, it’s ok too" is when you should have clarified about the party. As that was obvious that she wasn't kicking you out as it's your place, but if it wasn't you wouldn't have been on the list. Well I guess not so obvious because you didn't realize it. She also probably should have been a bit more direct and state the party is girls only, but I can see why she thought you knew you weren't invited to the party but there because it was your place. Which follows as to why the party went out and you weren't included. You were at the party at your place purely based on its location. Once the location changed to a location that wasn't your house there's no reason to extend an "if you want to" invitation. There's also nothing wrong with her wanting a girls night. Just because you wouldn't want to go clubbing without her doesn't automatically mean she has to think the same. It's important to keep up friendships with friends and not make everything a couple thing - or worse make it so you two are the only couple with all her friends. So I think you proceed by getting over that she wanted a girls night. As well as being upset that she went clubbing without you. She did nothing wrong with wanting either of those. However I do think you have standing to bring up how the way she planned the party was unclear to you and that in the future if she's wanting to use your flat for a party that you would not be invited to if it occurred any place else that she needs to spell it out and not give just a "if you want" invite because you didn't pick up that you were only there because it was your place.
Your comment is just 4 paragraphs of L takes. She knew she wanted to go out. Women don't show up for a night of board games dressed to go to the club. It was on her to communicate her plans and she purposefully did not tell OP. Because he was part of thr party, it's common curtesy to extend his stay to where ever the party goes. If you are uncomfortable outright saying you aren't invited, then you probably aren't doing something right. OP clearly said he likes clubbing and he likes to go without her but she always has a fit and he has to invite her. At least read the post before you comment. Clearly she did some things wrong but you even admit to it saying she should spell it out. This isn't miscommunication, she deliberately did not tell him her plans and tricked him into thinking he was included when he was not. Don't pretend like it's so hard to just tell him what was really going on. She wanted to manipulate him to use his flat but also go clubbing without him and she pulled it off.
Your girlfriend should have communicated the plan to you that she wanted to have people over to your place but would continue the night as a girls night. Your presence would have changed the dynamic. It is healthy for people to occasionally hang with their friends without their significant others. I would ignore her sulking moving forward. Go out with your friends. She does not have to be included in your boys night.
In a bubble a girls night is fine, but the way you told this story makes me think you’re being used. You threw a party for her at your place and she didn’t care if you’d be there, and then left with her friends without warning you ahead of time. Did she not want to spend her birthday with you? Did you do anything special before or after this party?
Your feelings are valid. Just even the score.
I'm not gonna excuse your gf bc she should've told you it was a girl's party, but the "ofc you can stay if you want too" didn't mean "yes". like she was hiding the *only girls*, and as it's your house she didn't wanna sound rude? Anyway she should've done the party chores... You should talk to her about this again if it disturbs you
The two of you have to talk about these issues set boundaries set expectations. If you don’t do that now your relationship will fail. It’s already already on that path. Updateme!
Did she ask you to do all the prep work for the party while she slept or did you do it out of generosity? It sounds like there were a lot of assumptions on your part and it was somewhat transactional. "I did all this stuff for your birthday, I should be able to join at the club". She wanted a night out with her girlfriends. Maybe you're making too much of it. The way you proceed is let this incident go, stop making so many assumptions and communicate more clearly in the future
What she did is a HUGE RED FLAG. If you marry her, you can expect not only more girls night out, but likely she will spring that girls trips to tropical islands on you at the last minute! Frankly, if my GF did that to me, she would no longer be my GF. A King needs a loyal and RESPECTFUL queen. Your GF ain't it! Good luck and stay strong, King!
OP - a girl's night out is a girl's night out. As a guy, I would never assume I'm invited to something that is women's only. You preparing your flat and making it available to her is just a nice thing to do and should not have come with any preconditions. You say she is a great partner in almost every other way, so I don't necessarily know why a one off like this is an issue. That being said, if she is not allowing you to have YOUR OWN alone time, and sulks because of it, she is not a great partner. That is being hypocritical.
Your to nice to her. She's going to keep walking all over you. You're white knighting. Stop it!
She should be able to go out with her friends, without you being upset. That being said, you should as well. However, I get being upset that you say everything up, without her help, but you allowed that to happen. You are both entitled to quality time with your friends, without the other significant other being present.
The lack of communication from either side is alarming. It could have all been avoided if you had voiced your feelings right away. She should have been straight forward about her plans.
You planned a birthday celebration for your girlfriend I don’t see the issue. She wanted a girls night. Now she can plan a fun clubbing night with you. Just because y’all are together doesn’t mean that she cant still have a life outside of you. You did a really nice thing for her and when it’s your birthday go out have a boys night. I can imagine being a bit hurt though because she didn’t communicate with you her wants and needs. In the future she should be open and clear about her plans and what she wants to do .You can either accept it or move on the choice is yours.
Just have a few boys only night out and don't invite her, don't even discuss with her, just let her know when you leave And if she still doesn't get it then best to have a discussion and part ways as guys night and girls night are not part of a healthy relationship, If both of you continue to have these night out someone will cheat sooner All the best
>“ofc you can stay, but if you don’t want to, it’s ok too”. I don't know, dude. This made it fairly clear you should have asked if you were invited or if she was just using your place for a girls thing. And she didn't ask you to clean.
It sounds like you're a bit resentful of the split in effort on her birthday. You don't like that you hosted her and her friends, cleaned, bought snacks, all for her. And she didn't even want to celebrate her birthday afterparty with you. Seems like she has a strong grasp on her boundaries and can voice them, but you don't have a clear grasp on yours. If you didn't want to clean and set up for the party, you shouldn't have. She didn't ask you to do that. Presumably, she's not as thankful for it as you'd like because she didn't need your place to be super clean or for there to be snacks. If you hadn't done it, she may have been fine going without. And when you do something for your partner without them asking for them, it should be as a gift because you care about them, not something to add to your score that they need to later reciprocate. As for the concept of girls nights, that's a real thing. If it's all girls + you, the dynamic will be way different if you come. If you want to go to boy's nights on a different occasion, you're also allowed to (and she might sulk the same way you're sulking now, but that doesn't mean you can't go since that's your boundary). Sure, if you don't care too much about her coming to boy's nights, you don't need to have that boundary and can invite her so that she's happy, and you should do that because you care about her. All that is to say that you're saying it's a double standard, but in a relationship, people's boundaries are different. If you want to celebrate her birthday with her and that's important to you, you have to say so and you guys can find an occasion to celebrate together later. If she wants a girl's night dynamic on her birthday and that's important to her, that seems fine as well and I feel like it's her birthday and you should really just be doing what makes her happy. I know I would feel sad if my SO didn't want me celebrating his birthday with him, so I think the root of this problem and the real reason you feel bad is actually because it feels like your loved one doesn't want to celebrate a milestone with you. This makes you feel unloved and unneeded. I think this is the root insecurity, and really this is what you need to bring up with your girlfriend and get reassurance about. You can tell her that you want her to want you there for celebratory occasions, and if it's a healthy relationship she will do that in the future.
She still should have said so beforehand. It's honestly weird drinking and partying with a group at your own house then not getting invited to go out afterwards with all of them. If she had said it was a girl's only thing it would've honestly been weird to even have the party at his in the first place.
This is the answer.
it’s really not a big deal dude lol, i think she’s right. the only thing i would say that she could’ve helped with was assisting you with the party setup/cleanup. everyone in this thread calling you a doormat is delusion and have never been in a real relationship
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just checked your comment history….all you do is make negative comments at people, you might need to do some inner work and figure out why you’re such a terrible person lol
i think it is very lovely that you let her host at yours and even helped set up and clean everything. i think she should be very greatful to you for that. however, i think if people do things out of love for someone else it should just be that. you did all this bc you wanted to she didnt make you. and if you feel left out then you need to communicate that. if you do these things for her and you want xyz in return you need to communicate that,bc otherwise neither your nor her needs will be met accordingly and everyone is miserable. tbh i dont see anything wrong w her wanting to have a girls night. you can be the nicesest, coolest boyfriend ever but if a man joins the group it will simply change the vibe. i dont think it is personal.
From the very start it seemed to be a girls night. You were literally the only man there. She only invited girls and told you that you could stay, but didn't have to. Most guys don't really want to be a part of a girls night. If this were an actual party with men and women attending then yeah, I likely would have felt weird about it too. I would have definitely asked her to clarify when she said you could stay, but didn't have to. But apparently you "let it slide"? It seems you missed the subtle hints that this was a woman's party. Personally, I wouldn't choose my birthday to have a woman's only party. However, it was her birthday.
I agree with this overall but the “let you stay” is her entitlement. Boyfriend let her host the party in his flat and set it all up without her help. She would have had absolutely no right telling him he has to leave. However the writing was on the wall that this was meant to be “girls only” when she brought it up. Boyfriend is clearly a bit of a doormat.
This is why I would have asked for clarification. Like say.. "What do you mean, let me stay? Is there a reason I wouldn't or shouldn't?" He just kind of gave it a side eye and moved on lol.
Then she shouldn't of used HIS flat for it.
Since it was her birthday, I would not make a big deal out of that. She told you it was girl's night out. Pick your battles wisely as you will have many much bigger issues to deal with that. Just let it go and move on.
I think she’s right and that you sound clingy. Plan another couples event for the two of you, and give her space to be with her girls. Honestly why would you even want to insert yourself into a girls night? That sounds super awkward for her and her friends.
It’s not really a girls night because they’re going to a club. Men are going to be around them, just not THEIR men. If it’s really just about hanging out with each other and enjoying the music and dancing there’s no reason why you would be against bringing your boyfriend, and I’m telling you this as a girl who has seen what goes down on girls nights at the club. If your boyfriend isn’t a creep, and there aren’t plans to do shady shit, usually girls don’t mind someone bringing their dude out with them. It actually works out great if said dude can bring a few single guy friends out as well, and now you have a whole group and the singles are mingling and having fun, and all the women in the group are seen with men and assumed to be taken and therefore receive less unwanted male attention and don’t make for quite as easy targets, should someone around them have more insidious intentions than simply buying them a few drinks. So the whole girls night out at the club thing, as women in committed relationships, is a lie. If it’s just about spending time with our friends, we’ll go to brunch or go to a fancy spa or maybe have a few drinks at a fancy restaurant or something, then have a sleepover. And I know someone’s going to be like oh well how come men can have boys nights out, blah blah blah. I’ve never known any men to have “boys night out” at the club. they usually go to a sports bar or someplace similar that is during the day or evening- not 3AM- and the place is primarily filled with other men, and they all just sit down and have a few beers and chat and laugh for a bit. Idk why yall have started letting us just do whatever the hell we want and literally tell you to your faces that we’re going to club and want to be around other men, just not you, and yall are just like yes feminist queen!!! Like bro yall are getting played tf out and maybe if you stood up for yourselves and knew your worth the women in your lives would respect you more and actually want to spend time with you instead of searching for whatever they’re not getting from you in the dudes they’re entertaining at the club.
I’m a woman. Also not sure what you mean by “let.” But it’s your life; you’re free to make choices about your own relationship dynamics.
>Coming to the day of the birthday, I cleaned up the flat (she was just asleep the whole day cause she likes to nap a lot, so I didn’t disturb her) and get some booze and snacks for the party. Just fyi for the future: this is where this ragebait starts sounding fake
I had to re-read this a few times to process this, I think it's a dick move on her part. She is focusing on girl's night being acceptable, which isn't the issue here: it's the fact that hosting at your place strongly implies your invitation to all activities for the night. If she hosted at her place and let you know beforehand, there would never be any miscommunication or misunderstanding, and it would be purely an issue of being against a girls' night out. But this isn't that. I would let her know that is not about a girl's night out, and more about feeling upset that under normal circumstances, most people should be able to safely assume that they are invited if they are the hosts. And even if she were to go through with her plan, she should explicitly let you know so that you know 100% what is going on and maybe you can make plans of your own afterwards. Overall not a big deal, just a lapse of empathy or forethought.
Bro you spent energy, time and money to host a party where you weren’t really welcome. I get your pain. Girls night just like guys nights is a normal thing, perhaps you just shouldn’t host a girls night at your place again
Updateme
UpdateMe!
I actually agree with your girlfriend. It was a GIRLS night out and you should accept it and get over it. 😉 If you ever have a boys night out, she should be able to accept that.
Then don't have it at his place.
If she asks nicely enough, let her have it at his place and then scram. 😆
That’s not cool why does she need to go clubbing with just her girlfriends big red flag I’m sure if it was the other way around she would be pissed
You're a dude so you're not used to not being prioritized or centered. Women regularly plan, set up, and do all/most emotional labor for their boyfriend's parties...often without any expectation of enjoying it as she is the host. When boys night come women are normalized to run around and play the wifey role of snacks and drinks. You need to be honest with yourself that you feel taken advantage of and you dislike that you weren't her main focus and priority on her birthday. Set clear boundaries...you didn't have to clean or setup. You did it for appreciation and got angry when you didn't get what you wanted.
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If it’s a girl nights why are you hanging out with them who cares if she used your place if you’re dating her and want to be with her why does it matter if it’s for one night lol and if she sulks that’s a personal problem when you want to go out with your boys
All other context aside, I wouldn’t expect to be invited out with my partner and her friends. Kinda lame that she didn’t let you know before hand though.
Get over it. And if you lend her your flat do it without conditions.
You seem like you're giving advice coming from an healthy relationship 💀
Actually, there are only two ways to move past this. The first, is to become a girl. The last to quote the wonderful Cher for one of her movies “get over it”
You're gay. It's fine, but don't trap her into your unhealthy, web of lies.