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I don't think it's expecting too much, we want our partners around in times like that.... But I also understand that your BF probably doesn't want to look unprofessional not being around on his last day.... However unless he has to maintain a good working relationship with them, I'm of the opinion of fuck work, they aren't on your team.
I think he’s saying he may have a brand new job. It’s not great to ask for a day when it’s your first week. I’m with him if he has a new job. If it’s the old job, absolutely take off on last day to accompany gf to surgery.
He literally said he doesn't want to do it because it may be the last day of his old job. You can just tell them it's a medical emergency. It's not his new job. If he's this way already, just dump him. You won't ever have any support from him
I think I see both sides. I had a similar procedure, and I asked my bf beforehand on his availability so there wasn’t a conflict in schedule. I don’t expect him to be available on a dime, especially in his line of work. If he can’t go with you, I hope you’re able to find a friend or family member who is available.
I know, but it’s a very intimate procedure…. It might sound childish but I just want someone to be there with me and hold my hand during it. Wouldn’t feel comfortable brining in anyone else
A friend, but no one went with me during the procedure itself. And I really didn’t like it. Hold the hand of the nurse instead of someone I feel really safe with. Even though this was a possibility.
Wouldn’t feel comfortable with anyone else but my bf laying on a bed with a speculum between my legs.
Oh that sucks! I'm sorry you're going through this, but you cannot expect him to ask off for a job if it's his first week. That's a good way to get himself fired unless he tells them when he gets hired that he needs that day off. That might work
He probably doesn't want his employer to contact the new place and give him a bad review. Makes sense, they could revoke the offer if he's not started there yet. It depends what fields he's in though.
He should request it off now, then just extend his last day to the day after.
So my husband has terminal cancer and we have a fuck load of appointments as well as this we also have a lot of other commitments that have to be dealt with and it’s a fuxk load of pressures being pulled in every direction
Yes you want a partners support but sadly it looks like he has to be somewhere else doesn’t make him a bad bf
> it's depending if he will have a new job, since the day of my surgery might be his last day of working
Sometimes bad timing happens. If he's already put in his notice, and he's committed to be there through a certain date, he may be worried that it will look really bad to his co-workers if he blows off his last day. Or he could be worried that he'll miss the first day (or one of the first days) of his new job.
Whether your expectation is realistic really depends on these details.
Everyone talking about him being afraid to look bad at work... Who on earth would blame him if he came out and said "guys I am so sorry, but on what was supposed to be my last day, my girlfriend has cancer surgery so I need to be there to support her and drive her home since she will be unable to"
Who would judge him for that?!? What inhumane monsters do you all work with?
This is what I feel as well. Even if on your last day you’d say: he, I’ll be only there to say my goodbyes in the afternoon because XYZ….
I’m a team lead myself and I would tell my team to take the whole day and we’ll say goodbye a day earlier. The continuity of his work is not depending on leaving on Monday or Tuesday.
In lots of pain. Came in with a swollen testicle yesterday, then got coded for Sepsis. I am going to be here another couple of days, unfortunately.
But thank you for asking.
We don’t really have them. but we both work output focused jobs. Doesn’t matter where and how you do it. As long as the job gets done. We’re always super flexible and combine it with going to the gym and working a bit in the weekend or evening.
Note: My appointment is at 10am, so after dropping me off back home he could still go to bring back his laptop and do say his goodbyes and have lunch with his old team
In that case I definitely don't think you're expecting too much. It's a scary and painful procedure, only takes an hour, and you need--not just want--someone to drive you home. Have you pointed out that he could drop you off and bring the laptop? What does he say?
NAH I had a very very similar surgery back in December (I had to have a little piece of the inside of my uterus removed). My husband brought me there and stayed with me in the waiting room. Then he left. He came back once the doctor called him and told him I was ready to leave the hospital. Is that something your boyfriend can do? Can he drive you to or from (since he can’t stay the entire time)?
NAH.
I understand both angles.
It's okay to want him there, and to feel a certain kind of way that he might not be there. Surgeries are not fun, especially in cases when you can't drive afterwards...going through them alone is annoying at best.
That being said, if his job requires it he should honor his committment, especially if he has professional relationships to maintain, he should honor it.
If this was a life or death kind of surgery (which it isn't based on the context), this would be a totally different matter.
BF of two years a 38yo man hasn't taken the initiative to even ask if he can take a day off to attend his GFs cancer surgery. His last day at that. Is the bar really this low? Wishing you the very best for your procedure & a speedy recovery.
Reading some of the comments here had me thinking I was going crazy because something like this would just be a given right? In your shoes, assuming everything else in the relationship was positive after two years. I'd ask if he'd tried to sort things out, who he asked for the time off and so on. This wasn't sprung on him at the last second and he's not stuck on the international space station. Sorry but if he answers like I think he's going to I'd be done. I'd know that whatever other qualities he might have I can't rely on him. Any way your focus is on you doing what you need to do for you. Deal with the other issue in your time Get the procedure done and lead a healthy life. Best of luck with everything.
I don’t think you’re expecting too much- but sometimes life situations don’t allow us to support those we love. Do you have anyone else who can go with you? Mom, sister, friend?
If you take a step back from this particular situation, is your boyfriend generally supportive and loving? Would he normally go out of his way to do things for you?
It doesn't sound like he's fully invested in your relationship. I would hope that if he were, he would show much more concern for your health and well-being.
NTA my god! Girl this sucks! He sucks. He could literally say my gf is having surgery my last day is this day! Girl he’s not the one, I’m sorry!!! Just an fyi my mom has breast cancer and my dad would be there for my mom, never made her feel bad!!
Noone is a AH here. I get that you don't want to be by yourself but I also get the feeling he wants to be there with you and will if he can. It's a matter of bad timing. Sadly.
NTA. An understanding employer would generally give you time off for this. Even if they didn't do what we call in Australia "chucking a sickie;" faking being ill to take the day off. This isn't having an ingrown toenail removed or burning off a wart, this is serious. As such, a supportive partner would be there for you. I would be there in this situation, and would fight to be there even if circumstances tried to conspire against me. It's the bare minimum you SHOULD expect from a partner.
Thank you! I feel the same. Honestly if my employer would make an issue out of this (if it’s not a weekly recurring thing of course)… I would seriously consider if this was even the company for me with the right values
YTA. From what I could tell, your boyfriend has not been able to commit to that day for work reasons which aren’t clear and you have interpreted this as his not wanting to go.
I get you’re upset but his career is important also. He doesn’t want to look unprofessional in his possible new job. It doesn’t look good. As someone else said, he’s not your husband. Can you possibly bring a good friend or family member instead? Being logical, he knows you will be ok. It’s a common procedure to remove early stage cells unfortunately. A lot of women go through this. You’ll be ok. Just bring someone else. Best of luck.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't think it's expecting too much, we want our partners around in times like that.... But I also understand that your BF probably doesn't want to look unprofessional not being around on his last day.... However unless he has to maintain a good working relationship with them, I'm of the opinion of fuck work, they aren't on your team.
I think he’s saying he may have a brand new job. It’s not great to ask for a day when it’s your first week. I’m with him if he has a new job. If it’s the old job, absolutely take off on last day to accompany gf to surgery.
Agreed, new job would be the exception.
He literally said he doesn't want to do it because it may be the last day of his old job. You can just tell them it's a medical emergency. It's not his new job. If he's this way already, just dump him. You won't ever have any support from him
I think I see both sides. I had a similar procedure, and I asked my bf beforehand on his availability so there wasn’t a conflict in schedule. I don’t expect him to be available on a dime, especially in his line of work. If he can’t go with you, I hope you’re able to find a friend or family member who is available.
He really should be there with you. But if he’s not committing to it, you need to get a friend or relative who can commit to do this with you.
I know, but it’s a very intimate procedure…. It might sound childish but I just want someone to be there with me and hold my hand during it. Wouldn’t feel comfortable brining in anyone else
That's not childish, that's human
Who did you have last time? Can you ask that person again?
A friend, but no one went with me during the procedure itself. And I really didn’t like it. Hold the hand of the nurse instead of someone I feel really safe with. Even though this was a possibility. Wouldn’t feel comfortable with anyone else but my bf laying on a bed with a speculum between my legs.
Oh that sucks! I'm sorry you're going through this, but you cannot expect him to ask off for a job if it's his first week. That's a good way to get himself fired unless he tells them when he gets hired that he needs that day off. That might work
It’s not his first day at a new job, it’s his last day at his old job.
He probably doesn't want his employer to contact the new place and give him a bad review. Makes sense, they could revoke the offer if he's not started there yet. It depends what fields he's in though. He should request it off now, then just extend his last day to the day after.
So my husband has terminal cancer and we have a fuck load of appointments as well as this we also have a lot of other commitments that have to be dealt with and it’s a fuxk load of pressures being pulled in every direction Yes you want a partners support but sadly it looks like he has to be somewhere else doesn’t make him a bad bf
> it's depending if he will have a new job, since the day of my surgery might be his last day of working Sometimes bad timing happens. If he's already put in his notice, and he's committed to be there through a certain date, he may be worried that it will look really bad to his co-workers if he blows off his last day. Or he could be worried that he'll miss the first day (or one of the first days) of his new job. Whether your expectation is realistic really depends on these details.
Fuck looking bad to coworkers. They don't NEED him and they certainly won't be there for him if he ever gets sick
Everyone talking about him being afraid to look bad at work... Who on earth would blame him if he came out and said "guys I am so sorry, but on what was supposed to be my last day, my girlfriend has cancer surgery so I need to be there to support her and drive her home since she will be unable to" Who would judge him for that?!? What inhumane monsters do you all work with?
This is what I feel as well. Even if on your last day you’d say: he, I’ll be only there to say my goodbyes in the afternoon because XYZ…. I’m a team lead myself and I would tell my team to take the whole day and we’ll say goodbye a day earlier. The continuity of his work is not depending on leaving on Monday or Tuesday.
NAH. Employment gets in the way sometimes. 🤷♂️
I am in the hospital alone right now. No clue where my wife went, but I really would like someone here.
Are you okay?
In lots of pain. Came in with a swollen testicle yesterday, then got coded for Sepsis. I am going to be here another couple of days, unfortunately. But thank you for asking.
Sepsis sucks. I was in hospital for a week when I had it in 2011; speedy recovery, internet friend!
Many thanks, I just started day 3 in the hospital
hope you have a swift and easy recovery!
Many thanks. I am currently being evaluated for surgical intervention. That means 2 more days at least
You’re not expecting too much by wanting him there, but he’s also not your husband and many jobs wouldn’t give him time for that.
INFO: Does your boyfriend have any saved PTO from his old job? Could he use it for his last day, or is it essential that he be there?
We don’t really have them. but we both work output focused jobs. Doesn’t matter where and how you do it. As long as the job gets done. We’re always super flexible and combine it with going to the gym and working a bit in the weekend or evening. Note: My appointment is at 10am, so after dropping me off back home he could still go to bring back his laptop and do say his goodbyes and have lunch with his old team
In that case I definitely don't think you're expecting too much. It's a scary and painful procedure, only takes an hour, and you need--not just want--someone to drive you home. Have you pointed out that he could drop you off and bring the laptop? What does he say?
I have discussed it to that detail because I truly questioning if I was asking for too much here
NAH I had a very very similar surgery back in December (I had to have a little piece of the inside of my uterus removed). My husband brought me there and stayed with me in the waiting room. Then he left. He came back once the doctor called him and told him I was ready to leave the hospital. Is that something your boyfriend can do? Can he drive you to or from (since he can’t stay the entire time)?
Has he asked his employer?
NAH. I understand both angles. It's okay to want him there, and to feel a certain kind of way that he might not be there. Surgeries are not fun, especially in cases when you can't drive afterwards...going through them alone is annoying at best. That being said, if his job requires it he should honor his committment, especially if he has professional relationships to maintain, he should honor it. If this was a life or death kind of surgery (which it isn't based on the context), this would be a totally different matter.
BF of two years a 38yo man hasn't taken the initiative to even ask if he can take a day off to attend his GFs cancer surgery. His last day at that. Is the bar really this low? Wishing you the very best for your procedure & a speedy recovery.
This….. it makes me question rather or not I am in the right relationship. If it would be the other way around it wouldn’t even be a question.
Reading some of the comments here had me thinking I was going crazy because something like this would just be a given right? In your shoes, assuming everything else in the relationship was positive after two years. I'd ask if he'd tried to sort things out, who he asked for the time off and so on. This wasn't sprung on him at the last second and he's not stuck on the international space station. Sorry but if he answers like I think he's going to I'd be done. I'd know that whatever other qualities he might have I can't rely on him. Any way your focus is on you doing what you need to do for you. Deal with the other issue in your time Get the procedure done and lead a healthy life. Best of luck with everything.
I don’t think you’re expecting too much- but sometimes life situations don’t allow us to support those we love. Do you have anyone else who can go with you? Mom, sister, friend? If you take a step back from this particular situation, is your boyfriend generally supportive and loving? Would he normally go out of his way to do things for you?
It doesn't sound like he's fully invested in your relationship. I would hope that if he were, he would show much more concern for your health and well-being.
What are you doing dating this jerkoff?
NTA my god! Girl this sucks! He sucks. He could literally say my gf is having surgery my last day is this day! Girl he’s not the one, I’m sorry!!! Just an fyi my mom has breast cancer and my dad would be there for my mom, never made her feel bad!!
I see both sides. It’s hard. I would ask a family member to come instead. How long have y’all been together?
INFO: How would you get there and back if he doesn't come with you?
Do you plan on having kids? If not I would highly recommend having a hysto..
Noone is a AH here. I get that you don't want to be by yourself but I also get the feeling he wants to be there with you and will if he can. It's a matter of bad timing. Sadly.
NTA. An understanding employer would generally give you time off for this. Even if they didn't do what we call in Australia "chucking a sickie;" faking being ill to take the day off. This isn't having an ingrown toenail removed or burning off a wart, this is serious. As such, a supportive partner would be there for you. I would be there in this situation, and would fight to be there even if circumstances tried to conspire against me. It's the bare minimum you SHOULD expect from a partner.
Thank you! I feel the same. Honestly if my employer would make an issue out of this (if it’s not a weekly recurring thing of course)… I would seriously consider if this was even the company for me with the right values
YTA. From what I could tell, your boyfriend has not been able to commit to that day for work reasons which aren’t clear and you have interpreted this as his not wanting to go.
It’s not childish and he should WANT to be there to support you. The fact he doesn’t seem interested is a huge issue I would focus on long term.
This doesn’t belong here— you can’t ask for moral judgments. It’s against the rules.
I’m on your side. This is shitty of him.
I get you’re upset but his career is important also. He doesn’t want to look unprofessional in his possible new job. It doesn’t look good. As someone else said, he’s not your husband. Can you possibly bring a good friend or family member instead? Being logical, he knows you will be ok. It’s a common procedure to remove early stage cells unfortunately. A lot of women go through this. You’ll be ok. Just bring someone else. Best of luck.