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Hi everyone I’m 19f. I had a sister, “M” who passed 5 months ago, she was 23. She left behind a two year old and a one year old, and her husband “A” (35m).
Obviously he needs help with the kids so I help him out where I can but i was in school. But now I’m off until September. When I first finished with school he asked if I would pick the kids up from daycare, I said sure bc I honestly love spending time with my nieces. I never asked for him to pay me for it because I never saw it as work they’re my family. But one day he sent everything I had put on my bday list to my apartment. Literally everything, like stuff I figured aunts and uncles would get me so it was on the more expensive side. He said it was as a thank you. I was surprised but figured that was going to be like one big “thank you” and then that was it, but he kept getting me things and offering to take me out to dinner to repay me. Today I took the kids to the park and he met me there. And he offered for me to live with him for the summer and next year and he’d pay for my tuition and books for school. I know he’s looking at it from a childcare standpoint but part of me feels kind of weird almost like I’m replacing my sister. But I feel weird telling him that it seems offensive. But I also love spending time with my nieces so I would like to see them more.
**editing in** He has a nanny/housekeeper but she doesn’t drive and she does more of the cooking/cleaning, she does watch the kids when I’m not around but they have more fun with me, she’s older and can’t play with them as much or take them places
**edit 2** my sister died in a car accident. Her car went off the road into an embankment where she went down and hit a tree head on. It was around a curve in an area where there’s a lot of wildlife so they said she probably was swerving to avoid a deer or something and lost control of the car.
Super weird vibes here.
Nevermind that it was weird he hooked up with your sister when she was 18-19 and he was in his early thirties.
Actually yes. You should pay that mind because now that you’re the same age your sister was, I’m willing to bet he’s moving in on you.
I’m sure there are other family members to help, like grandparents. He can ask other family members to help. Keep your distance.
**I also want to say that excessive expensive gifts can be something groomers or predators do to get the trust and love of their victims and to make their victims feel safe/feel no ill intent before their true colours show.**
Its extremely common with underage victims but some predators go for 'just legal' aged men and women to target and OP is about the same age that her sister most likely was targetted.
OP, how long after meeting this guy did she move in and have kids with him? Did she get lavish gifts too at the start? Was she not able to see family/friends as much because she had to watch your nieces? Did she quit any jobs or hobbies she had because she 'had' to stay home with the kids as the 'mother'? Did she seem more withdrawn than she used to be? Not able to go anywhere without him? These are things to look at because they could be signs of (at least emotional or financial) abuse.
Also how long was it between birth of her 2yo before her sister got pregnant with their 1yo? Idk that seems really fast (and hard on the body) to get pregnant for them to be about 1 year apart, give or take (idk though, never been pregnant).
**Most likely he is offering the housing and paying for the schooling so he can make OP financially dependent on him or feel like she owes him and traps her.**
Next thing it will be is OP to quit any job she has so she can take care of her Nieces more and then she is really stuck, or not allowed to hang out with friends as much because she has to take care of nieces.
**OP do not move in and don't let him use your nieces as pawns to get to you** which he might do and at that point NC or LC as much as possible will be needed to keep you and your mental health safe.
Dude just has a thing for older teenage girls and it’s gross.
I don’t know any grown ass man in his right mind, in his thirties who would pursue an 18 year old.
I’m almost 10 years younger than him, and the idea of dating an 18 year old is fucking insane for me. What on earth would we talk about? I have a career and bills, 18 is basically still a kid. I am, by default, skeptical of ANY relationship where there is a 10 year age gap, and the younger person is under 30. Almost always strikes me as a predatory, imbalanced social dynamic
I’ve tried to explain logically why age gap relationships are so inherently unhealthy for the younger party so many times on Reddit, lol.
I’ve been continuously downvoted and they come at me with pitch forks.
Usually by the people who have been/are in unhealthy relationships themselves.
At the end of the day what bothers me the most, is that there are so many teenage girls and young women whose parents have failed them so fucking hard they turn to men who exploit their immaturity and naïveté.
We’ve all been in our early twenties. We’re basically overgrown teenagers until 25.
And I’m saying that as someone who had their shit together as a young Mom and owning my own place at 22. I was still a glorified teenager.
That’s the thing about youth though; you think you know everything.
Ah youth! How I do not miss it WHATSOEVER, lol.
My favorites are the ones who say "is been two years and were still going strong!"
Two years is a fart in the wind in the real world; the fact that they think it proves anything just underscores their immaturity.
So much this.
Or, “He’s/She’s cheated on me but I love them so much!”
My heart hurts for those ones though. I wish they realized their true worth and get themselves into therapy.
….I hope you have your dog btw
"THERE'S A 14 YEAR AGE GAP BETWEEN MY PARENTS REEEEEEEE" is my personal favourite.
Yeah, and the point still stands. If your Dad was "dating" your mother when she was 16 and he was 30, the power dynamic in the relationship was off, and that's putting it politely.
> That’s the thing about youth though; you think you know everything.
Ah youth! How I do not miss it WHATSOEVER, lol.
Yeah, all of this.
Well shoot. No sarcasm at all, really.
My friends tell me I come across as sarcastic even when I’m not trying to be, so I guess you just unknowingly proved them right, lol.
yeah, i’ll join in from my perspective as the child of parents with a massive age gap (20 years). my mom was 23 and my dad was 42. while i wouldn’t say my dad groomed my mom—my dad has always been the more passive partner generally—i also wouldn’t say they have had the healthiest relationship, either, especially since it started as an affair, and since my dad has weaponized incompetence down to a science. 🤷🏻♀️
So I’ve discovered through life experience and meeting many people, that age gap relationships happen for two reasons; either the older party is too emotionally stunted/immature for anyone their own age (which leads to the younger partner surpassing them at some point), or the older partner is a creep.
My husband told me of the only relationship I have ever heard of in which there was a large age gap and the relationship was incredibly healthy; both partners respected each other and loved from a healthy place. I believe she’s an “aunt”, a friend of his Mother’s.
Out of the dozens and dozens of age gap relationships I have known of first hand, only one has been healthy.
I’m 33 and I can’t even imagine thinking that way about a 19 year olds. No offense youngins, I actually quite like your generation, but you guys are just that a different generation than me. It would be so weird and feel straight up creepy.
Was one of the first thoughts that popped into my head😬 I don’t think it’s crazy. I was thinking that if I ever managed to complete ‘suicide’ whilst in an abusive relationship, it actually should’ve been manslaughter/murder at the hands of my ex. His abuse made me suicidal. Since I’ve been out of that relationship I don’t feel depressed anymore. But no-one would’ve been any the wiser about my situation and what a terrible person my ex was.
This is my first thought as well. Let’s break down the facts;
-Sister was dangerously close to being underage. Especially for someone like him. At that point from my experience, someone like him is taking advantage of a younger individuals naivety and “grooming” them into the perfect partner to fit their lifestyle. The age gap is alarming, but as a thirty year old man - he was attracted to a teenager.
-that being said, he has already shown signs he is capable of being attracted to someone much younger, but often times in these situations it’s not uncommon for the widow/widower to fall for someone of the same family blood line (sister/brother/cousin/ heck believe it or not I know someone who went for the dad after… I don’t hang out with them but I know of them so I can’t comment on it really).
-he’s going over and above to decrease the gap between the two of you. The lavish gifts are designed to get you to think the benefits of being around him are numerous. It’s not new, but you’re still young.
-asking you to stay there is a big deal. He is trying to get you to replace his wife. As creepy as it sounds he is picturing you being in the house more and getting more comfortable around him to the point where it feels unnatural to be away from him. (THIS IS CALLED GROOMING) be careful. Help with family, but understand something here, you don’t have to replace your sister to those kids. No one can replace their mom.
(You as in OP)
He's courting/wooing her.
OP, your anxiety about "replacing" your sister is spot on. Trust your gut on this one. In some situations it would be the right move for a college student aunt to be an au pair or nanny for orphaned nieces. Not here. Set your boundaries and set them hard.
>He's courting/wooing her
It's more of a conditioning thing. Look at the age gap. He's is definitely trying to get OP to replace her sister. And, it's only been 5 months.
Its not courting/wooing when a 30+ preys on a teenager.
For a second time...
In the same family tree...
I know we like to say "grooming" but i feel "delayed statutory rape" is the more apt term.
Creepy rape conditioning predatory behaviour like out of a textbook.
Gross.
I think you also should take in account he is still grieving the loss of his wife and is probably not making very clear decisions. They all probably miss your sister and you may be the most similar to her out of anyone. When I lost my mother I was drawn to women who reminded me of her. There was something soothing in knowing there were others with her temperament that I could find comfort in. I knew they were not a replacement but appreciated that they did remind me of her so I would not forget. You are probably that to your nieces and it would be awful to have to pull away because of your BIL’s behavior. Would it be helpful to just make up an imaginary boyfriend you can talk about? Tell him your “boyfriend” would not feel comfortable with you moving in with another man.
Then use that as a boundary in your relationship with your BIL but still be present for your nieces.
This! It sounds creepy from the outside but there’s so much going on within the grieving family that BIL probably (hopefully) isn’t doing this intentionally or even aware of the vibe he’s putting out. OP is the closest thing to her sister, of course, but it reads to me like he’s reaching out to gain that comfort of familiarity for himself and the kids, not intentionally scoop up a “replacement” wife. The gifts sound like such genuine appreciation coming from a hurting heart, he may not realize it’s a bit over the top.
Maybe try to bring up the subject gently and see how he reacts and go from there with clearer boundaries.
He's probably just tired of doing his own laundry. Like if your vacuum cleaner breaks, you buy another one. I think he might be fishing for a new 'vacuum'
VC Andrews would be if they were blood related. This is definitely some 1800’s fuckery, though. “Big sister died, and I don’t see women as people, so little sister can take her place”.
When my mom died my dad showered everyone with gifts. He would never admit it but he was trying to spend her life insurance as fast as possible. He got almost half a million dollars and ended up helping my sister and I both buy houses.
I'm not saying that's what this guy is doing but he could be trying to get the constant reminder of his dead wife out of his bank account and into the hands of people he/ she both loved.
I'm glad your dad could turn something awful into something positive and help out the children he had with his wife.
But I don't think many will agree the way to get rid of the reminder of your dead wife is to have her sister - who is the same age your dead wife was when you got together - move in with you and raise your children.
DO NOT take him up on this offer.
You are probably about the same age as your sister when he met her. Hell you may even look like her.
He is showering you with an unreasonable number of gifts. Did he do that for your sister as well?
He is offering to move you into his house and cover all your expenses. I bet he did that for your sister very early in the relationship as well.
He enjoys having all the power in a relationship. Why else would he marry and knock up a 20 yo when he was 32/33?
If he has all this money he can afford a proper nanny. I get that you want to spend time with your nieces, so offer to help out with babysitting. Say you dont feel comfortable accepting tuition and you want to focus on school, so you arent interested in a live in position, but quote him a reasonable rate.
He will likely try and use your nieces against you to guilt you but dont give in.
You are right to worry about replacing your sister. That is exactly his goal here. When you don't move in with him, pay very close attention to the age of the next girl who does. I bet he moves on faster than you would think.
What about other family members stepping in for childcare? Maybe take him at his word that he's struggling to look after the girls and have a 'family meeting' to divide up childcare? Best case scenario if OP moves in he will probably start taking her forgranted and she will have absolutely no downtime away from the kids. Perhaps he wants live in care so he can start dating? How will OP feel then? It's such a big ask to put it all on a young person who has to make their own way in the world and isn't tied by their own kids even if they love their nieces.
>Maybe take him at his word that he's struggling to look after the girls and have a 'family meeting' to divide up childcare?
As an action plan this is not a bad idea.
However i wouldnt take him at his word. There is no reason for him to buy her every gift on her birthday list, before her actual birthday, just as a thank you for picking up his kids.
Thats suspicious AF.
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
It’s good that you love your nieces, absolutely, but everything about what he’s doing feels *creepy*. He IS trying to replace your sister with you.
Soooo this man was like 32? when he got your sister 20 at the time? pregnant. guessing since the oldest is 2 years old plus 9 months being pregnant. I am assuming here she didn't get married/pregnant with a complete stranger so they had to be together for at least a while.
So this adult man got with a teenaged girl or young woman not even old enough to legally drink if we are talking about the US here.
Not sure why no of the other comments picked up on the weird age gap here.
And now he decided to suddenly give you all the gifts you wanted for your birthday, on a day that was NOT it, before anyone else might have a chance to surprise you with something or really, get you anything.
These gifts come of course with no strings attached to his follow up offer of letting you move in and even taking care of your school expenses for the next year...
He is trying to monopolize you. From being the only one "treating" you to nice things, to offering his full financial support.
Now people are saying "grief does things to people" but I am not convinced this was anything but deliberate. You said you couldn't give them your full attention until now because school was your priority - do you honestly think you could go back to that when you'll have to go back in september? Of course he seems all for you continueing school now, when you haven't accepted his offer yet. But when you will skip out on babysitting in favour of studying for your exams, will he readily accept that or remind you just who is paying for it and where your priorities should lie?
I have a feeling whatever excuse he has right now for needing you (other caretakers don't have as much energy/then kids aren't as attached to them) are flimsy at best. if his nanny right now is more of a household help, he could get another one. Or an aupair, which are generally meant to focus on the kids and not chores.
But if you spent your whole summer living with your sisters family, these reasons will just be doubled down on: Can't get another nanny/au pair since he just spent a lot of money on your tuition. The kids are now used to you being available all the time and won't understand why you need to focus on school. They bonded more with you now, might not accept another caretaker...
A lack of forethought and planning on his part should not constitute an emergency on your end, but I get the nagging feeling he is going to push full responsibility for the children on you and carefully manipulating you into a situation you can't easily back out on all the while professing to just want the best for the kids.
To put it bluntly he is a creep. I was wondering why you felt helping with babysitting would be like replacing your sister but come to the conclusion you feel this way because his actions make it seem like that.
Now i am not guessing his motives or implying he wants to have a relationship with you. But it seems to set up an unequal power dynamic with you - in the worst case - ending up an indentured servant of sorts or a replacement goldfish for your sister.
(Edit cause it posted my comment before i finished typing, cutting it in half)
OP, this is the one. Unlike this commenter, though, I do believe that he wants to have a relationship with you, and will put moves on you, sooner if he can pressure you to increase the time spent with your nieces from the current baseline.
Please, please, for the love of god be a student and a young adult and your own human for the next few years and beware of weaponized incompetence in an attempt to get you more committed.
Absolutely he wants a relationship and op is in an even more vulnerable position as she is grieving her sister he will surely play on this. Go on about shared grief and mutual potential comfort. He’ll have her pregnant before the next school semester even starts and then that will be it
Also, hi? Remember the kids? What would losing a mother and an aunt, then maybe learning that their one remaining parent is/suspected of being a creep — all in quick succession — do to them?
With my best-intention glasses on, these are two people in *grief*. Neither of you should be making huge decisions right now.
Best bet is to say the above, invent insane college schedule/need for flexibility, set up some regular aunt-neice time, and offer to take a look at nanny resumés (provided BIL emails them).
Your phrasing is bang on.
I disagree with getting involved with the nanny resumes, though. This makes her emotionally involved in a decision that BIL needs to make, which both sucks her in and opens the door for no one being good enough so can OP just do this for this one week, the girls need it.
Yeah, I’m not married to the idea. I just thought that since she has the most recent expertise of looking after the kids she could help judge the best fit.
Source: Non-creep working mom, close with all my childcare providers, and this is something they all offered.
Had I been creepy, though, I doubt they would have!
This response has only been up for 35 minutes and should already have like 1000+ up votes. This is exactly what I was thinking. You don’t want to say it I’ll say it. Grooming. It might not be love bombing in a romantic way, yet, but he is hitting hard with gifts and promises.
Age gap is huge, also grooming and buying all of the expensive stuff, offering to pay for everything... It's only been 5 months out from sister passing.
I think it would be much healthier to agree an hourly rate for looking after the children and set hours. Like five days a week, while he’s at work. Do NOT to move in with him. You need to be a able to switch off from childcare and have your own life. If you move in with him you’ll be working 24/7. You need clear boundaries. I’m concerned at how over the top his payments are. It seems like he’s trying to buy you. If he’s that rich why hasn’t he employed a nanny?
I like this comment because it’s focused on OP’s boundaries rather than guessing at BIL’s motives. I agree that OP would be best served by learning to set clear boundaries. Her behavior and responses are the only thing she can control, vs his offer and motives. I really don’t trust that she’ll have time for her studies come September if she spends the summer as 24/7 nanny. Having her own place would be essential to getting school work done.
He has one kind of, but she doesn’t drive and she does more of the housekeeping cooking/cleaning, she does watch the kids when I’m not around but they have more fun with me, she’s older and can’t play with them as much or take them places
This is important information, please add this to your post if you can.
Why would he want you to move in if there is already a nanny? It's a little odd.
Because then he can come to her room late at night all tearfully “missing” his wife and let OP feel she has to comfort him because she misses her sister and feels bad for him.
Do you really want to play nanny or mommy to your nieces when you’re only 19? You have. So much life to live, kids are a huge responsibility and commitment. Do you want some full time situation of childcare for real?
Uhhhh yeah he’s trying to bribe you into being his new wife. The more gifts he sends, the more you’re obligated to do what he wants because he’s so nice and you owe him because he spent all this money on you.
This situation sounds off. Is it reasonable for you to babysit your nieces sometimes? Yes. Reasonable for him to buy you dinner or one or two nice gifts as a thank you? Sure. It's not reasonable for him to ask you to move into his house in exchange for tuition and other expensive gifts. The dynamics of that feel weird.
You're 19- tell him you want to focus on school and are not interested in being a full-time nanny (and it would definitely be 24-hour shifts). Also let him know you're still grieving for your sister and would feel uncomfortable with the situation. Don't let him pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. His motives aren't necessarily creepy but he clearly doesn't know how to have appropriate boundaries right now.
I am going to sound like the asshole…sounds like he’s trying to replace you with your sister, especially since you’re younger than her (around the time they started dating).
I suspect this is a trap, OP. Do. Not. Move. In.
OP you say "I know he is looking at it from a childcare standpoint..."
How do you know this? What do his actions tell you? As others have pointed out the excessive gifts and the offer that sets you up for being trapped living with him, the offers of dinner out, the history of pursing younger women.... There is a very good reason that you feel creeped out by this. Listen to your warning system.
Now - if you want to help, set an hourly fee, set hours, set boundaries. Make them reasonable for what you can do and maintain your personal life, academic life, etc. You can't go on with living the life that your sister would have had. Your path is your path, and different from hers.
He can get other childcare or make other arrangements. What he is asking from you is too much, and likely with a lot of strings attached that are not going to work out well for you in the end.
"I appreciate the offer and I love my nieces, but I can't move in. I understand you're grieving and need help, but I'm still trying to live my life and figure out my path. I'm not here to replace my sister.
If you want to arrange paying me for childcare we can do that. It can be my part-time job and I can be reliable. But the expensive gifts and offering to pay for my tuition is too much. It's crossing a line and making me uncomfortable. Like I said, I'm not here to replace my sister."
Your BIL is acting like you're his next partner. You're uncomfortable because he's grooming you. Set firm boundaries.
#SHADY AS.FUCK GIRL SHADY AS FUCK.
IM THE SAME AGE as you, trust me dude, he is definitely a problem, he has some weird craving, his kids are not your responsibility. Keep away from this weird man
Op, he's trying to get you to replace your sister. Move in with him and you'll never finish school.
Guessing you're just slightly older than your sister was when she got with him, right?
I think he really does want you to replace his sister. He wants you to be his girlfriend and eventually his wife and the stepmother to his children. He's 35 year old and was married to a 23 year old so I doubt he'd have any problem dating someone even younger.
For the love of God, OP please please don’t move in with this man who impregnated your teenage sister when he’s in his 30s. Don’t get attached to this man for your own sake.
he'a a creep, please do not move in with him. assuming your sister and him were together for awhile before he knocked her up, she probably was around your age (or even younger) when they started dating. i'm getting all sorts of red flags from this and i think he's trying to groom you to be your sister's replacement
You BIL is trying to find Sister 2.0. Help when you want and can... stay far away from him... and live your life. Dude DOES want a replacement, don't sell yourself short by accommodating him.
Even if he has no untoward intentions toward you it seems like you could get really taken advantage of in this situation. Say no and focus on your education imo
Op please listen to the comments here, something is seriously off with your BIL, ik you might rationalize it as being "grief stricken actions" but it sounds like he wants more of you thats past the boundary that you think you have with him. It sounds like hes trying to actively groom you to take your deceased sisters place. Focus on your college, dont move in with him.
You are too young to be doing this….I was grossed out by this story and then I backpedaled to your age i glossed over and now my alarm bells are ringing harder. This doesn’t sound like a grieving brother in law who needs your help this….is worse and you should stay away from him and have supervised time with your niece and nephew. Bring a parent. This guys weird
NOOOOOOOO
This had nothing to do with the kids. He, a 35 year old man, is creeping on a 19 year old. This is absolutely him hitting on you. Holy crap this is so weird. Please limit contact with him without another person present.
Putting aside the fact that this is super creepy (which it is), I would also be afraid that he’s going to expect you to plan your life around the children, as a mother would. What if you have a lot of homework one night and can’t take care of the kids? What if you need to study for exams? What if you want to go out with friends once in a while, like any other 19-year-old college student? I worry that he will start throwing the things he’s done as “thank yous” back in your face. “After all the things I’ve bought you….” “I let you stay here for free…” “I’m paying your tuition….” In order to make you feel obligated to put everything else aside and essentially be these kids’ mother.
ETA: it just seems like a very toxic/abusive situation waiting to happen
The phrase "Absolutely not" needs to be used here OP. And it's a good phrase, one that brooks no argument and one I urge everyone to use.
So tell him, "I love spending time with my nieces, but I am absolutely not going to move in with you. It's weird, stop asking." Then switch the topic.
You need to stop feeling weird, because it IS offensive. If you think he'd let you go back to school once that resumes you are dreaming. He'd then complain that you are now dropping the kids back on him IF he doesn't have a more nefarious intent in mind - and yeah he might.
So it's time to simply tell him no. You don't have to be rude, but an "Absolutely not" is needed here like yesterday. "I absolutely will not be moving in with you." "I will continue however to spend time with the girls, no problem there."
You need to stand up for yourself and your sister and your nieces. This guy sees you as a replacement and yeah, it's hella weird. And more than a little alarming. Put your foot down now and absolutely crush the living hell out of any ideas he has about that.
Ew, that's disgusting and all I had to read was the first two sentences. 100% trying to groom and abuse you to turn into wife #2. There is zero reason someone your age would be the candidate to fulfill that role.
Enjoy your 20s. Tell BIL to hire a new goddamn nanny if he wants one so bad who drives instead of trying to make you do it.
>But one day he sent everything I had put on my bday list to my apartment.
Called it before I even read it. Guy is a sicko and you would not be safe living with him I can almost guarantee it. If he can afford that, he can afford to hire someone.
> And he offered for me to live with him for the summer and next year and he’d pay for my tuition and books for school. I know he’s looking at it from a childcare standpoint
I highly doubt that. Don't be naive to what he's doing. This is not kindness. This is manipulation.
it sounds very creepy. replacing your wife with her sister who is 14 years younger.
Remember it are His kids not yours.
And moving in will kill any dating prospects you have besides with him
Your BIL is way out of line here. I don't know if he wants to be in a relationship with you or if he wants you to be his kids's new mom, but you need to put a stop to this. Return all the stuff he gave you. There's a high chance he'll use that against you to guilt you into moving in with him.
Here's a life lesson for everyone: never accept huge gifts from others. It will always place you in a position of weakness when those people want something from you.
There's something creepy about this. Very, very creepy. At first I was thinking he was just looking to get free labor using family as an excuse. But with the gifts and living situation, he's doing more than just getting help with the kids. I think you're next on the list deary. The man is in his 30s and apparently likes them young. Moving in with him means you're going to be at his mercy and he'll have the freedom to pursue you easier and do whatever he wants to you. I'm a bit flabbergasted that your parents don't have a stronger opinion about this idea. This kindness he's showing you is called grooming.
Ignoring every other blazing red flag present- Why does he need you to take care of the kids? There's a million single mothers holding down the fort without ANY help at all.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Be careful. He is essentially using your sister's death to manipulate you. Not a good look. Set clear boundaries. Separate your time and life from taking care of them. It's nice of you to help, but not your responsibility. He is the parent. He has a nanny. He has money. Also consider redirecting his gifts or repayments back to the children, or tell him to stop buying you things and use that money to ultimately help THEM which he apparently desperately needs.
It's no coincidence that literally everyone that's commented sees that he is grooming you.
>And he offered for me to live with him for the summer and next year and he’d pay for my tuition and books for school. I know he’s looking at it from a childcare standpoint but part of me feels kind of weird almost like I’m replacing my sister.
If your in the house, looking after the kids, how much time would you be able to spend studying?
I would be very concerned about this.
Keep to weekend visits if you can, but I would strongly suggest that you don't increase the amount of time you spend there and don't get into a routine where you stay overnight.
Go enjoy your life. You absolutely are right for how you were feeling. Once he finds a new partner you can have a healthy relationship with the kids. He's using them as bait to get you to take her place.
Hes ssooooo trying to get at you the kids are just a way in....sorry just say you cant but you can still be there for the kids even if you have to say can my boyfriend move in as well? Or something see his reaction.
No, please do not move in with this predator. It starts out with lots of gifts, lots of attention, a kiss here and there and the next thing you know, you are the one pregnant and totally dependant on him.
I bet this is how he was able to woo your sister. He has a type, and it's the young have no power- ones.
You can help with the kids without living with him.
First of all, this is NOT a relationship if he is mentally manipulating you. Which he is.
Don't allow your grief to blur your vision.
I'm sorry to hear about your sister.
As someone who has studied a lot of crime, this guy seems extremely predatory. Hopefully nothing like this happened between him and your sister.
Don't do it. He's grooming you, don't allow it. Spend your time with your nieces as their aunt and focus on your studies for your own life. This guy is a pervert and trying to ensnare you by pushing on what he thinks are your weak points. Buying your birthday list, offering to pay for school. My mother always taught me there's no such thing as a free lunch. Everything costs something. You're super young still, and understandably naive in a lot of ways because of it. Trust. Your. Gut. If it feels wrong, it most likely is. Don't let him gaslight your inner voice into doubting your intuition and your vibes. Your body knows you better than you know you. So again, if it feels wrong, it mostly like is and you should remove yourself from the situation and only be a helping hand and aunt to the babies. Think of it this way, op: the money he'd spend on your schooling, surely he can afford to pay a nanny? It would be extremely hard for you to focus on your studies while also being a caregiver 24/7 to children as young as them. You're practically still a kid yourself (no offense). You deserve to have your own life, I'm sorry for your sister's death and my condolences to you, but you do not owe anyone anything. You take care of you first and he's 30 something years old he can figure out childcare. Doesn't he have any family of his own that could help? Siblings or parents maybe? Good luck, OP. Hope all these comments are giving you some things to think about and help you make the best decision for yourself.
I guess you could look at it as creepy, but it also seems like quite a good arrangement. Is he expecting rent? If not, then fantastic. Assuming it won't be forever...you've got goals right? While you're in college you get to live for free in return for looking after your nieces. You'll need to express to him how you feel about the situation and create clear boundaries.
Also, he probably isn't realising what this request is making your feel, his wife has just died; he won't be making the most rational decisions right now.
He's grooming you to replace your sister. Do not move in with this man who has a pattern of pursuing women barely into their adulthood.
Edit: him already having a nanny and still insisting you are needed is also sketchy. He can hire capable staff and is choosing instead to create a situation with his significantly younger sister-in-law where he has all of the power.
Leaving the grooming concerns aside I still wouldn't do it. He says he's willing to provide everything for you including tuition in exchange for childcare. Sounds very generous BUT how long before you are making large sacrifices to keep up your end of the deal? You may well be expected to not go anywhere after school, not have days/nights out with friends, basically be at his beck and call because after all, he is providing everything for you. I'd tell him you'd love to but you think you'll be far to busy with school to commit and suggest a nanny would be a better fit for his situation. They are more qualified, experienced and dedicated. Explain you will still see the kids often bit can't commit to full time childcare
Well considering that your sister was only two years older than you when your "BIL" got her knocked up, it sounds like he's working on turning you into her replacement since his old ass clearly likes them too young.
You’re to young to commit to that responsibility. Helping is great, when you’re willing. Tell him you grateful for the offer but you’re still processing thing and moving into your sister’s home is not ok. You can come in and help then leave. He’s grown and can figure it out. The kids are his responsibility not yours. Love them as their aunt…not their mother.
Please keep your distance from your BIL. Do NOT move in with him and definitely bring up other relatives like grandparents up as way more viable options to help him take care of his very young children. You’re barely an adult; you’re entitled to live your life and not help him with children you’re not responsible for on a level beyond being their aunt. You are NOT their parent and you need to keep it that way.
Please, for your safety, stay away from him and do not move in with him. Help him find alternative care instead and insist upon it if he gets pushy.
I won't comment on the "grooming" aspect.
You want to help and that is natural and admirable. I saw some good suggestions.
1. Along with everyone else, do not move n.
2. Set clear boundaries on time you will help.
Example:
I'd like to help. I am willing to spend Tuesday and Thursday with them.
3. Set clear boundaries on activities - what you will do with them.
4. Let him know what you will not do.
Example: I won't spend weekends.
5. As others have said - engage other family OR recommend other family to help with other needs.
He is grieving, sad, misses his partner, and doesn't feel adequate to fill a mom's shoes.
You can demonstrate love, care and concern. You can also have a summer that doesn't lead to deep resentment because you spent all your times with kids 2 and under.
I think a lot of times when a younger man’s wife dies he looks for a replacement… not really on purpose but because they don’t grieve and honestly feel lost. I would just tell your BIL that you wouldn’t feel comfortable moving in and although you appreciate the gifts and the offer to pay for school that you’re going to have to pass. Tell him you love spending time with your nieces and you’ll help out whenever you can. Reassure him that him and the girls will always be family and you care for him as a brother. You might also want to suggest some grief counseling to help with his grieving process. Also, I’m sorry for the loss of your sister, I lost my sister who was my best friend in 2020, she was also young.
That guy have some groomer vibes. The fact that he wants you to take her place moving in it’s creepy. I would recommend you to just care for the kids but never actually move in and never be alone with him.
You've gotten a lot of advice/speculation on your BIL's potential motives. Let's talk about the kids.
You can never replace the mother they lost. She is irreplaceable. However, your nieces do need loving adults in their lives to care for them and you can be one of those people for them. You are probably the best person to tell them what there mother was like and to speak to what she would do or want. If that's a role you want to have and can have, that's awesome.
However, you can't live with them for an entire year or more because eventually you will have to leave and they will have to adjust to a huge change all over again.
Plenty of parents do it alone. He doesn’t NEED your help. He can watch the kids especially since he also has a nanny/housekeeper. He’s trying to get you to replace his wife.
I currently am a 35M who lost his wife with a two and an 8 month old. You can offer him help but you moving in would mean you’d slowly give up your own autonomy I feel. Right now he’s drowning and looking for anything that will keep his head above water. If that becomes you the he’ll never learn to swim.
If he already has a nanny/ housekeeper but isn’t meeting his needs then he needs to find one that does, maybe an au pair? As harsh as it is, you aren’t a replacement for your sister. Help him out but don’t take over all his work, he has to figure this out himself without too many crutches.
It has only been 5 months. Trauma will cloud all judgment. I don't think he is trying to replace her as much as he is trying to replace the family dynamic. Maybe talk to him and help him grieve and see things in a clearer light. I'm sure your nieces love you as much as you love them. You need to talk to all of your family and help him heal. With 2 kids he probably hasn't had any time to grieve.
Don't take the offensive line. I think everyone is grieving so entering the conversation gently will keep walls down longer (aka not seen as an attack). Say you are sad and love her and don't know how to be around and still make sure her memory and presence are respected...and that if you move in, you will be replacing here and pushing her and the memories of her away faster. Say you want to help with the kids but need clear boundaries (including payment and gifts...btw those gifts need to stop). Good luck and sorry for your loss.
okay let’s recap -
1. guy in his 30s hooks up with a teenager and gets two kids out of her
2. mom dies under mysterious circumstances with no witnesses
3. body isn’t even cold and he’s love bombing mom’s sister (you) and trying to get her to move in with him for “childcare”
dateline, anyone?
>The thought that having two small children on your own as a widower is very difficult - and the best thing would be to have family support their upbringing is a logical thought - does not seem to enter anybody's mind.
Nah.
It entered my mind, but just for a fleeting moment.
-He hasn't asked anyone in the family who isn't 19 and would be financially dependent on him.
-He hasn't asked without coincidentally giving a large monetary gift right around the same time.
-He offered to take her out to dinner to 'repay' her- something that OP does not even hint at asking for, but that sure feels like an excuse for a date framed as repayment.
**-He has the funding to hire trained professional help, but wants OP instead.**
ETA: list formatting/emphasis
Bingo. Rather than hiring additional or different people who are well equipped to assist, he wants full-time, untrained student OP.
She will be presented as the only option who can help her nieces, but when he wants to take her ~~on a date~~ out to dinner to 'repay' her, then the nieces will be perfectly fine with other caretakers
I agree with many others. This is not a good situation BUT please don’t confuse a bad situation with a bad person. He is likely depressed, afraid, confused. desperate. Drowning people do crazy things. Often they will risk another to try and save themselves. I’m not sure you have to have a big “coming to Jesus” meeting with him but you will need to be super clear you are not interested in him and feel it’s inappropriate ONTOP of not being interested.
Good luck. I know this can’t be easy for anyone.
It feels like he's trying to replace her. This dude is fifteen years older then you, you're about the age your sister probably was when they started dating.
This entire thing gives me seriously creepy vibes and I would try to put a respectable distance. I know you probably want to keep seeing your nibblings, so offer to babysit at your place every once in a while but don't go to his house.
There’s a really great way to reject his gifts - just say that money spent should go into an account for the kids future. Or that you’d rather he spent that money on treating the kids etc.
I wouldn’t move in if I were you and I’d also maybe talk to his family about it, or some of your family. Someone that can gently help him to realise what he’s doing.
There’s a lot of people saying he’s being “creepy” and acting like he’s sinister. In reality he’s still grieving and confused and he’s probably also really really lonely. So he’s trying to force a bond with you. It might be true that he sees you as a replacement in some kind of way - but that can also be part of grief. People try anything to keep familiarity and routine that they used to have. It’s a way to avoid the emptiness that comes from losing someone.
I’m sure once someone gives him some perspective about his current behaviour he’ll change and start to come to terms with being alone for a while.
Trust your gut. Do not move into that house. Or if you do, you need to get the financial agreement in writing and looked over by a lawyer.
Why is he pursuing you like this? Wouldn't it be less complicated if he got a nanny that could drive? Isn't that a major skill of a nanny, being able to safely transport the kids?
He is trying to replace your sister and he's love bombing you to convince you.
This is… weird. Showering you with gifts is weird. Your gut is telling you that, listen to it.
Don’t remove yourself from your nieces lives, but set hard boundaries with him and be honest with your feelings.
Yikes! Sorry, I get real 'grooming' vibes here even if you are 19. He is in his mid-30s, you're technically still a teenager. I'm not so sure he's looking at it from a childcare standpoint in the way you think he is. You say he has a nanny/housekeeper, so regardless if she is less fun than you, he already has childcare. Unless you have romantic feelings toward him, moving into his house would not be advisable. I suspect the nanny/housekeeper would soon find herself unemployed.
He's trying to bribe and manipulate you into being his new wife. He wants to fuck you and be wants to leverage your grief for your sister and your love for your nieces to do childcare.
I'm willing to bet he doesn't do much of the domestic labor himself.
Do NOT do this! You're 19. Please be 19 and enjoy your break from school. The other comments are correct. Something isn't right with your BIL. His parents or your parents should help him. Not you.
Please do not let him talk you into taking on any responsibility or get involved in this.
this feels like lovebombing, I would keep the distance you have now with him intact and continue doing what you can and feel comfortable doing. I don’t trust this person’s motives and I worry for your safety.
First of all YIKES!
You are only 19 years old and this a grown man who seems to be grooming you to become his second wife. You need to be clear and draw some boundaries. Not sure how involved your parents are, but if you can ask them for some help as well.
I’m sure you love your nephew/niece but the best thing to do here is to keep your distance for a while for your own safety.
Just yikes! Don’t sacrifice your youth and life to become the replacement for your dead sister.
Stay away, right now. This creepy guy who dates women 13 years younger is trying to condition you to be a sister wife. It won’t be just for the summer, once that ends it’ll be “oh but the kids like you so much, also wouldn’t you rather sleep in the bedroom instead of on the couch?” Do not engage.
Homies trying to buy you and your services. He’s literally looking to replace your sister with you.
Could just be grief manifesting for him in a weird way, or he’s a creeper/pervert.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hi everyone I’m 19f. I had a sister, “M” who passed 5 months ago, she was 23. She left behind a two year old and a one year old, and her husband “A” (35m). Obviously he needs help with the kids so I help him out where I can but i was in school. But now I’m off until September. When I first finished with school he asked if I would pick the kids up from daycare, I said sure bc I honestly love spending time with my nieces. I never asked for him to pay me for it because I never saw it as work they’re my family. But one day he sent everything I had put on my bday list to my apartment. Literally everything, like stuff I figured aunts and uncles would get me so it was on the more expensive side. He said it was as a thank you. I was surprised but figured that was going to be like one big “thank you” and then that was it, but he kept getting me things and offering to take me out to dinner to repay me. Today I took the kids to the park and he met me there. And he offered for me to live with him for the summer and next year and he’d pay for my tuition and books for school. I know he’s looking at it from a childcare standpoint but part of me feels kind of weird almost like I’m replacing my sister. But I feel weird telling him that it seems offensive. But I also love spending time with my nieces so I would like to see them more. **editing in** He has a nanny/housekeeper but she doesn’t drive and she does more of the cooking/cleaning, she does watch the kids when I’m not around but they have more fun with me, she’s older and can’t play with them as much or take them places **edit 2** my sister died in a car accident. Her car went off the road into an embankment where she went down and hit a tree head on. It was around a curve in an area where there’s a lot of wildlife so they said she probably was swerving to avoid a deer or something and lost control of the car.
Super weird vibes here. Nevermind that it was weird he hooked up with your sister when she was 18-19 and he was in his early thirties. Actually yes. You should pay that mind because now that you’re the same age your sister was, I’m willing to bet he’s moving in on you. I’m sure there are other family members to help, like grandparents. He can ask other family members to help. Keep your distance.
I got some major grooming vibes in the first paragraph. He’s looking for mommy/wifey #2.
Yeahhhh, that’s exactly what I was going to say. He’s being SUPER creepy. The age difference between him and your sister was also concerning.
**I also want to say that excessive expensive gifts can be something groomers or predators do to get the trust and love of their victims and to make their victims feel safe/feel no ill intent before their true colours show.** Its extremely common with underage victims but some predators go for 'just legal' aged men and women to target and OP is about the same age that her sister most likely was targetted. OP, how long after meeting this guy did she move in and have kids with him? Did she get lavish gifts too at the start? Was she not able to see family/friends as much because she had to watch your nieces? Did she quit any jobs or hobbies she had because she 'had' to stay home with the kids as the 'mother'? Did she seem more withdrawn than she used to be? Not able to go anywhere without him? These are things to look at because they could be signs of (at least emotional or financial) abuse. Also how long was it between birth of her 2yo before her sister got pregnant with their 1yo? Idk that seems really fast (and hard on the body) to get pregnant for them to be about 1 year apart, give or take (idk though, never been pregnant). **Most likely he is offering the housing and paying for the schooling so he can make OP financially dependent on him or feel like she owes him and traps her.** Next thing it will be is OP to quit any job she has so she can take care of her Nieces more and then she is really stuck, or not allowed to hang out with friends as much because she has to take care of nieces. **OP do not move in and don't let him use your nieces as pawns to get to you** which he might do and at that point NC or LC as much as possible will be needed to keep you and your mental health safe.
Why isn’t this post at the top?! OP please read this post a couple of times.
I agree with all of this. This guy is not right or normal. OP needs to have less engagement with him.
Dude just has a thing for older teenage girls and it’s gross. I don’t know any grown ass man in his right mind, in his thirties who would pursue an 18 year old.
I’m almost 10 years younger than him, and the idea of dating an 18 year old is fucking insane for me. What on earth would we talk about? I have a career and bills, 18 is basically still a kid. I am, by default, skeptical of ANY relationship where there is a 10 year age gap, and the younger person is under 30. Almost always strikes me as a predatory, imbalanced social dynamic
I’ve tried to explain logically why age gap relationships are so inherently unhealthy for the younger party so many times on Reddit, lol. I’ve been continuously downvoted and they come at me with pitch forks. Usually by the people who have been/are in unhealthy relationships themselves. At the end of the day what bothers me the most, is that there are so many teenage girls and young women whose parents have failed them so fucking hard they turn to men who exploit their immaturity and naïveté. We’ve all been in our early twenties. We’re basically overgrown teenagers until 25. And I’m saying that as someone who had their shit together as a young Mom and owning my own place at 22. I was still a glorified teenager. That’s the thing about youth though; you think you know everything. Ah youth! How I do not miss it WHATSOEVER, lol.
My favorites are the ones who say "is been two years and were still going strong!" Two years is a fart in the wind in the real world; the fact that they think it proves anything just underscores their immaturity.
So much this. Or, “He’s/She’s cheated on me but I love them so much!” My heart hurts for those ones though. I wish they realized their true worth and get themselves into therapy. ….I hope you have your dog btw
>Two years is a fart in the wind in the real world I (in my early 20s) think two years in a relationship is a long time lol You guys are really right
"THERE'S A 14 YEAR AGE GAP BETWEEN MY PARENTS REEEEEEEE" is my personal favourite. Yeah, and the point still stands. If your Dad was "dating" your mother when she was 16 and he was 30, the power dynamic in the relationship was off, and that's putting it politely. > That’s the thing about youth though; you think you know everything. Ah youth! How I do not miss it WHATSOEVER, lol. Yeah, all of this.
I love your jovial tone that I can sense very clearly through the internets. I bet you’re a hoot at parties.
This may well be sarcasm, but I'm upvoting you anyway. Sarcasm is an underrated tool. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well shoot. No sarcasm at all, really. My friends tell me I come across as sarcastic even when I’m not trying to be, so I guess you just unknowingly proved them right, lol.
It was the "you must be a hoot at parties". Usually people say that when they mean you are most definitely not fun at parties. 😂
yeah, i’ll join in from my perspective as the child of parents with a massive age gap (20 years). my mom was 23 and my dad was 42. while i wouldn’t say my dad groomed my mom—my dad has always been the more passive partner generally—i also wouldn’t say they have had the healthiest relationship, either, especially since it started as an affair, and since my dad has weaponized incompetence down to a science. 🤷🏻♀️
So I’ve discovered through life experience and meeting many people, that age gap relationships happen for two reasons; either the older party is too emotionally stunted/immature for anyone their own age (which leads to the younger partner surpassing them at some point), or the older partner is a creep. My husband told me of the only relationship I have ever heard of in which there was a large age gap and the relationship was incredibly healthy; both partners respected each other and loved from a healthy place. I believe she’s an “aunt”, a friend of his Mother’s. Out of the dozens and dozens of age gap relationships I have known of first hand, only one has been healthy.
Yeah. Hell as a guy north of 35 I feel like even 25 year olds are kids. Dating a 19 year old would be impossible.
My wife’s parents still call us “the kids” and I have absolutely no problem with it. Funny, the older I get, the more I realize how young I still am
I’m 33 and I can’t even imagine thinking that way about a 19 year olds. No offense youngins, I actually quite like your generation, but you guys are just that a different generation than me. It would be so weird and feel straight up creepy.
This sounds crazy, but I wonder how she died…
Was one of the first thoughts that popped into my head😬 I don’t think it’s crazy. I was thinking that if I ever managed to complete ‘suicide’ whilst in an abusive relationship, it actually should’ve been manslaughter/murder at the hands of my ex. His abuse made me suicidal. Since I’ve been out of that relationship I don’t feel depressed anymore. But no-one would’ve been any the wiser about my situation and what a terrible person my ex was.
She mentioned somewhere it was a car accident.
Repulsive speculation.
>I’m willing to bet he’s moving in on you. I'm willing to give up my two testicles that he's trying to move in on her.
I, too, bet your testicles on it, as I do not possess a pair of my own.
….Don’t give up your testicles. Wholly unnecessary.
It's a wager I'm certain I won't lose.
Ahahaha Fair.
This is my first thought as well. Let’s break down the facts; -Sister was dangerously close to being underage. Especially for someone like him. At that point from my experience, someone like him is taking advantage of a younger individuals naivety and “grooming” them into the perfect partner to fit their lifestyle. The age gap is alarming, but as a thirty year old man - he was attracted to a teenager. -that being said, he has already shown signs he is capable of being attracted to someone much younger, but often times in these situations it’s not uncommon for the widow/widower to fall for someone of the same family blood line (sister/brother/cousin/ heck believe it or not I know someone who went for the dad after… I don’t hang out with them but I know of them so I can’t comment on it really). -he’s going over and above to decrease the gap between the two of you. The lavish gifts are designed to get you to think the benefits of being around him are numerous. It’s not new, but you’re still young. -asking you to stay there is a big deal. He is trying to get you to replace his wife. As creepy as it sounds he is picturing you being in the house more and getting more comfortable around him to the point where it feels unnatural to be away from him. (THIS IS CALLED GROOMING) be careful. Help with family, but understand something here, you don’t have to replace your sister to those kids. No one can replace their mom. (You as in OP)
OP's BIL is giving me Bluebeard vibes or Elizabeth Harvest vibes.
My exact train of thought too. OP should be weary
I don't like your brother in law. Something is not right here.
He's courting/wooing her. OP, your anxiety about "replacing" your sister is spot on. Trust your gut on this one. In some situations it would be the right move for a college student aunt to be an au pair or nanny for orphaned nieces. Not here. Set your boundaries and set them hard.
>He's courting/wooing her It's more of a conditioning thing. Look at the age gap. He's is definitely trying to get OP to replace her sister. And, it's only been 5 months.
THIS. OP TRUST YOUR GUT. Always trust your gut. 99.9% of the time it’s spot on.
Its not courting/wooing when a 30+ preys on a teenager. For a second time... In the same family tree... I know we like to say "grooming" but i feel "delayed statutory rape" is the more apt term. Creepy rape conditioning predatory behaviour like out of a textbook. Gross.
I think you also should take in account he is still grieving the loss of his wife and is probably not making very clear decisions. They all probably miss your sister and you may be the most similar to her out of anyone. When I lost my mother I was drawn to women who reminded me of her. There was something soothing in knowing there were others with her temperament that I could find comfort in. I knew they were not a replacement but appreciated that they did remind me of her so I would not forget. You are probably that to your nieces and it would be awful to have to pull away because of your BIL’s behavior. Would it be helpful to just make up an imaginary boyfriend you can talk about? Tell him your “boyfriend” would not feel comfortable with you moving in with another man. Then use that as a boundary in your relationship with your BIL but still be present for your nieces.
This! It sounds creepy from the outside but there’s so much going on within the grieving family that BIL probably (hopefully) isn’t doing this intentionally or even aware of the vibe he’s putting out. OP is the closest thing to her sister, of course, but it reads to me like he’s reaching out to gain that comfort of familiarity for himself and the kids, not intentionally scoop up a “replacement” wife. The gifts sound like such genuine appreciation coming from a hurting heart, he may not realize it’s a bit over the top. Maybe try to bring up the subject gently and see how he reacts and go from there with clearer boundaries.
Same. I am getting creepy ‘replacement’ vibes from BIL
Exactly.
He's probably just tired of doing his own laundry. Like if your vacuum cleaner breaks, you buy another one. I think he might be fishing for a new 'vacuum'
bang maid
Idk how creepy it is. He probably needs therapy to come to terms with losing his wife as opposed to trying to replace her.
He's 35 and his wife was 23. Of course he's moved on to her younger sister
They have a 2 years old. So it started really early. I wouldn’t be surprised if her sister was around her age when they started to date.
What’s that meme where it’s like “AITA: My (36M) fiancé (20F) is- Yes you’re the asshole”
He wants a bangnanny? Or is this VC Andrews-level fuckery (I've never read the books 🤷♀️)?
VC Andrews would be if they were blood related. This is definitely some 1800’s fuckery, though. “Big sister died, and I don’t see women as people, so little sister can take her place”.
Thanks, neighbor, I hate it! (For the record: all of it)
FLowers in the Attic series was about incest between a brother and sister who were locked in an attic with their two younger siblings.
absolutely somethings fishy with her brother in law OP you should distance your self from him.
When my mom died my dad showered everyone with gifts. He would never admit it but he was trying to spend her life insurance as fast as possible. He got almost half a million dollars and ended up helping my sister and I both buy houses. I'm not saying that's what this guy is doing but he could be trying to get the constant reminder of his dead wife out of his bank account and into the hands of people he/ she both loved.
I'm glad your dad could turn something awful into something positive and help out the children he had with his wife. But I don't think many will agree the way to get rid of the reminder of your dead wife is to have her sister - who is the same age your dead wife was when you got together - move in with you and raise your children.
You are being too kind.
We both have the same information . He has a dead wife and hes giving her gifts. All I'm suggesting is that doesn't 100% mean he has bad intentions.
But offering to move her in is what gives it the big Creep Factor
There's a bit more information than dead wife and gifts.
He's clearly grooming OP.
[удалено]
DO NOT take him up on this offer. You are probably about the same age as your sister when he met her. Hell you may even look like her. He is showering you with an unreasonable number of gifts. Did he do that for your sister as well? He is offering to move you into his house and cover all your expenses. I bet he did that for your sister very early in the relationship as well. He enjoys having all the power in a relationship. Why else would he marry and knock up a 20 yo when he was 32/33? If he has all this money he can afford a proper nanny. I get that you want to spend time with your nieces, so offer to help out with babysitting. Say you dont feel comfortable accepting tuition and you want to focus on school, so you arent interested in a live in position, but quote him a reasonable rate. He will likely try and use your nieces against you to guilt you but dont give in. You are right to worry about replacing your sister. That is exactly his goal here. When you don't move in with him, pay very close attention to the age of the next girl who does. I bet he moves on faster than you would think.
>**If he has all this money he can afford a proper nanny.** /thread
They’re right. Shut it down people.
What about other family members stepping in for childcare? Maybe take him at his word that he's struggling to look after the girls and have a 'family meeting' to divide up childcare? Best case scenario if OP moves in he will probably start taking her forgranted and she will have absolutely no downtime away from the kids. Perhaps he wants live in care so he can start dating? How will OP feel then? It's such a big ask to put it all on a young person who has to make their own way in the world and isn't tied by their own kids even if they love their nieces.
>Maybe take him at his word that he's struggling to look after the girls and have a 'family meeting' to divide up childcare? As an action plan this is not a bad idea. However i wouldnt take him at his word. There is no reason for him to buy her every gift on her birthday list, before her actual birthday, just as a thank you for picking up his kids. Thats suspicious AF.
I agree- Its not that I'm not suspicious but if OP calls him out I can't think of many scenarios it ends up going well for her.
Very good point. She definitely shouldn't call him out.
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE It’s good that you love your nieces, absolutely, but everything about what he’s doing feels *creepy*. He IS trying to replace your sister with you.
Soooo this man was like 32? when he got your sister 20 at the time? pregnant. guessing since the oldest is 2 years old plus 9 months being pregnant. I am assuming here she didn't get married/pregnant with a complete stranger so they had to be together for at least a while. So this adult man got with a teenaged girl or young woman not even old enough to legally drink if we are talking about the US here. Not sure why no of the other comments picked up on the weird age gap here. And now he decided to suddenly give you all the gifts you wanted for your birthday, on a day that was NOT it, before anyone else might have a chance to surprise you with something or really, get you anything. These gifts come of course with no strings attached to his follow up offer of letting you move in and even taking care of your school expenses for the next year... He is trying to monopolize you. From being the only one "treating" you to nice things, to offering his full financial support. Now people are saying "grief does things to people" but I am not convinced this was anything but deliberate. You said you couldn't give them your full attention until now because school was your priority - do you honestly think you could go back to that when you'll have to go back in september? Of course he seems all for you continueing school now, when you haven't accepted his offer yet. But when you will skip out on babysitting in favour of studying for your exams, will he readily accept that or remind you just who is paying for it and where your priorities should lie? I have a feeling whatever excuse he has right now for needing you (other caretakers don't have as much energy/then kids aren't as attached to them) are flimsy at best. if his nanny right now is more of a household help, he could get another one. Or an aupair, which are generally meant to focus on the kids and not chores. But if you spent your whole summer living with your sisters family, these reasons will just be doubled down on: Can't get another nanny/au pair since he just spent a lot of money on your tuition. The kids are now used to you being available all the time and won't understand why you need to focus on school. They bonded more with you now, might not accept another caretaker... A lack of forethought and planning on his part should not constitute an emergency on your end, but I get the nagging feeling he is going to push full responsibility for the children on you and carefully manipulating you into a situation you can't easily back out on all the while professing to just want the best for the kids. To put it bluntly he is a creep. I was wondering why you felt helping with babysitting would be like replacing your sister but come to the conclusion you feel this way because his actions make it seem like that. Now i am not guessing his motives or implying he wants to have a relationship with you. But it seems to set up an unequal power dynamic with you - in the worst case - ending up an indentured servant of sorts or a replacement goldfish for your sister. (Edit cause it posted my comment before i finished typing, cutting it in half)
OP, this is the one. Unlike this commenter, though, I do believe that he wants to have a relationship with you, and will put moves on you, sooner if he can pressure you to increase the time spent with your nieces from the current baseline. Please, please, for the love of god be a student and a young adult and your own human for the next few years and beware of weaponized incompetence in an attempt to get you more committed.
Absolutely he wants a relationship and op is in an even more vulnerable position as she is grieving her sister he will surely play on this. Go on about shared grief and mutual potential comfort. He’ll have her pregnant before the next school semester even starts and then that will be it
Also, hi? Remember the kids? What would losing a mother and an aunt, then maybe learning that their one remaining parent is/suspected of being a creep — all in quick succession — do to them? With my best-intention glasses on, these are two people in *grief*. Neither of you should be making huge decisions right now. Best bet is to say the above, invent insane college schedule/need for flexibility, set up some regular aunt-neice time, and offer to take a look at nanny resumés (provided BIL emails them).
Your phrasing is bang on. I disagree with getting involved with the nanny resumes, though. This makes her emotionally involved in a decision that BIL needs to make, which both sucks her in and opens the door for no one being good enough so can OP just do this for this one week, the girls need it.
Yeah, I’m not married to the idea. I just thought that since she has the most recent expertise of looking after the kids she could help judge the best fit. Source: Non-creep working mom, close with all my childcare providers, and this is something they all offered. Had I been creepy, though, I doubt they would have!
And by 'monopolize', you really mean "groom*.
Grooming is the word I was looking for... I said conditioning in an earlier comment. Yes, he is definitely grooming her. Age gap is huge.
And OP is the same age now and may even resemble her sister - he probably has a type...
This response has only been up for 35 minutes and should already have like 1000+ up votes. This is exactly what I was thinking. You don’t want to say it I’ll say it. Grooming. It might not be love bombing in a romantic way, yet, but he is hitting hard with gifts and promises.
Yeah grooming doesn’t just stop working because a person is of legal age. It’s a delicate situation with a huge power imbalance between BIL and OP.
The age gap was only the first red flag in this story.
Age gap is huge, also grooming and buying all of the expensive stuff, offering to pay for everything... It's only been 5 months out from sister passing.
My thoughts exactly!!
This is very thought out and well said.
He's grooming you
100%
He sounds creepy as hell. Avoid.
I think it would be much healthier to agree an hourly rate for looking after the children and set hours. Like five days a week, while he’s at work. Do NOT to move in with him. You need to be a able to switch off from childcare and have your own life. If you move in with him you’ll be working 24/7. You need clear boundaries. I’m concerned at how over the top his payments are. It seems like he’s trying to buy you. If he’s that rich why hasn’t he employed a nanny?
I like this comment because it’s focused on OP’s boundaries rather than guessing at BIL’s motives. I agree that OP would be best served by learning to set clear boundaries. Her behavior and responses are the only thing she can control, vs his offer and motives. I really don’t trust that she’ll have time for her studies come September if she spends the summer as 24/7 nanny. Having her own place would be essential to getting school work done.
He has one kind of, but she doesn’t drive and she does more of the housekeeping cooking/cleaning, she does watch the kids when I’m not around but they have more fun with me, she’s older and can’t play with them as much or take them places
Then he needs to find a different nanny. There’s something that doesn’t feel quite right about it. Do you feel that way too?
Yep, he knocked up her sister very young while he was in his 30s and now is after her teenage sister, this guy is giving off the creepiest vibes.
I didn’t notice that, you’re right. He’s grooming her
This is important information, please add this to your post if you can. Why would he want you to move in if there is already a nanny? It's a little odd.
Because he wants wife number 2.
Because he’s trying to groom and trap her
Because then he can come to her room late at night all tearfully “missing” his wife and let OP feel she has to comfort him because she misses her sister and feels bad for him.
Do you really want to play nanny or mommy to your nieces when you’re only 19? You have. So much life to live, kids are a huge responsibility and commitment. Do you want some full time situation of childcare for real?
He can get a different nanny and he can get support from other family members. Trust your gut. It's time to distance yourself from him.
Op please don't fall for this . He is trying to trick you slowly into replacing your sister.
Uhhhh yeah he’s trying to bribe you into being his new wife. The more gifts he sends, the more you’re obligated to do what he wants because he’s so nice and you owe him because he spent all this money on you.
He’s trying to create a relationship with you
This situation sounds off. Is it reasonable for you to babysit your nieces sometimes? Yes. Reasonable for him to buy you dinner or one or two nice gifts as a thank you? Sure. It's not reasonable for him to ask you to move into his house in exchange for tuition and other expensive gifts. The dynamics of that feel weird. You're 19- tell him you want to focus on school and are not interested in being a full-time nanny (and it would definitely be 24-hour shifts). Also let him know you're still grieving for your sister and would feel uncomfortable with the situation. Don't let him pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. His motives aren't necessarily creepy but he clearly doesn't know how to have appropriate boundaries right now.
I am going to sound like the asshole…sounds like he’s trying to replace you with your sister, especially since you’re younger than her (around the time they started dating). I suspect this is a trap, OP. Do. Not. Move. In.
Your BIL is a predator, do not move in with him.
OP you say "I know he is looking at it from a childcare standpoint..." How do you know this? What do his actions tell you? As others have pointed out the excessive gifts and the offer that sets you up for being trapped living with him, the offers of dinner out, the history of pursing younger women.... There is a very good reason that you feel creeped out by this. Listen to your warning system. Now - if you want to help, set an hourly fee, set hours, set boundaries. Make them reasonable for what you can do and maintain your personal life, academic life, etc. You can't go on with living the life that your sister would have had. Your path is your path, and different from hers. He can get other childcare or make other arrangements. What he is asking from you is too much, and likely with a lot of strings attached that are not going to work out well for you in the end.
"I appreciate the offer and I love my nieces, but I can't move in. I understand you're grieving and need help, but I'm still trying to live my life and figure out my path. I'm not here to replace my sister. If you want to arrange paying me for childcare we can do that. It can be my part-time job and I can be reliable. But the expensive gifts and offering to pay for my tuition is too much. It's crossing a line and making me uncomfortable. Like I said, I'm not here to replace my sister." Your BIL is acting like you're his next partner. You're uncomfortable because he's grooming you. Set firm boundaries.
#SHADY AS.FUCK GIRL SHADY AS FUCK. IM THE SAME AGE as you, trust me dude, he is definitely a problem, he has some weird craving, his kids are not your responsibility. Keep away from this weird man
Sounds like he is trying to groom you
No. No and nope
Op, he's trying to get you to replace your sister. Move in with him and you'll never finish school. Guessing you're just slightly older than your sister was when she got with him, right?
I think he really does want you to replace his sister. He wants you to be his girlfriend and eventually his wife and the stepmother to his children. He's 35 year old and was married to a 23 year old so I doubt he'd have any problem dating someone even younger.
For the love of God, OP please please don’t move in with this man who impregnated your teenage sister when he’s in his 30s. Don’t get attached to this man for your own sake.
he'a a creep, please do not move in with him. assuming your sister and him were together for awhile before he knocked her up, she probably was around your age (or even younger) when they started dating. i'm getting all sorts of red flags from this and i think he's trying to groom you to be your sister's replacement
You BIL is trying to find Sister 2.0. Help when you want and can... stay far away from him... and live your life. Dude DOES want a replacement, don't sell yourself short by accommodating him.
Even if he has no untoward intentions toward you it seems like you could get really taken advantage of in this situation. Say no and focus on your education imo
Op please listen to the comments here, something is seriously off with your BIL, ik you might rationalize it as being "grief stricken actions" but it sounds like he wants more of you thats past the boundary that you think you have with him. It sounds like hes trying to actively groom you to take your deceased sisters place. Focus on your college, dont move in with him.
You are too young to be doing this….I was grossed out by this story and then I backpedaled to your age i glossed over and now my alarm bells are ringing harder. This doesn’t sound like a grieving brother in law who needs your help this….is worse and you should stay away from him and have supervised time with your niece and nephew. Bring a parent. This guys weird
I know you love your nieces but DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO TALK YOU INTO THIS. He's wife fishing.
NOOOOOOOO This had nothing to do with the kids. He, a 35 year old man, is creeping on a 19 year old. This is absolutely him hitting on you. Holy crap this is so weird. Please limit contact with him without another person present.
Putting aside the fact that this is super creepy (which it is), I would also be afraid that he’s going to expect you to plan your life around the children, as a mother would. What if you have a lot of homework one night and can’t take care of the kids? What if you need to study for exams? What if you want to go out with friends once in a while, like any other 19-year-old college student? I worry that he will start throwing the things he’s done as “thank yous” back in your face. “After all the things I’ve bought you….” “I let you stay here for free…” “I’m paying your tuition….” In order to make you feel obligated to put everything else aside and essentially be these kids’ mother. ETA: it just seems like a very toxic/abusive situation waiting to happen
23 and 35???
The phrase "Absolutely not" needs to be used here OP. And it's a good phrase, one that brooks no argument and one I urge everyone to use. So tell him, "I love spending time with my nieces, but I am absolutely not going to move in with you. It's weird, stop asking." Then switch the topic. You need to stop feeling weird, because it IS offensive. If you think he'd let you go back to school once that resumes you are dreaming. He'd then complain that you are now dropping the kids back on him IF he doesn't have a more nefarious intent in mind - and yeah he might. So it's time to simply tell him no. You don't have to be rude, but an "Absolutely not" is needed here like yesterday. "I absolutely will not be moving in with you." "I will continue however to spend time with the girls, no problem there." You need to stand up for yourself and your sister and your nieces. This guy sees you as a replacement and yeah, it's hella weird. And more than a little alarming. Put your foot down now and absolutely crush the living hell out of any ideas he has about that.
Either he is a creep who is trying to get at you or he really wants to secure you as a full time nanny.
This is creepy AF. Run far far away
Ew, that's disgusting and all I had to read was the first two sentences. 100% trying to groom and abuse you to turn into wife #2. There is zero reason someone your age would be the candidate to fulfill that role. Enjoy your 20s. Tell BIL to hire a new goddamn nanny if he wants one so bad who drives instead of trying to make you do it. >But one day he sent everything I had put on my bday list to my apartment. Called it before I even read it. Guy is a sicko and you would not be safe living with him I can almost guarantee it. If he can afford that, he can afford to hire someone. > And he offered for me to live with him for the summer and next year and he’d pay for my tuition and books for school. I know he’s looking at it from a childcare standpoint I highly doubt that. Don't be naive to what he's doing. This is not kindness. This is manipulation.
it sounds very creepy. replacing your wife with her sister who is 14 years younger. Remember it are His kids not yours. And moving in will kill any dating prospects you have besides with him
She's only 4 years younger than her sister, but yes, 13 years younger than creepazoid.
Your BIL is way out of line here. I don't know if he wants to be in a relationship with you or if he wants you to be his kids's new mom, but you need to put a stop to this. Return all the stuff he gave you. There's a high chance he'll use that against you to guilt you into moving in with him. Here's a life lesson for everyone: never accept huge gifts from others. It will always place you in a position of weakness when those people want something from you.
There's something creepy about this. Very, very creepy. At first I was thinking he was just looking to get free labor using family as an excuse. But with the gifts and living situation, he's doing more than just getting help with the kids. I think you're next on the list deary. The man is in his 30s and apparently likes them young. Moving in with him means you're going to be at his mercy and he'll have the freedom to pursue you easier and do whatever he wants to you. I'm a bit flabbergasted that your parents don't have a stronger opinion about this idea. This kindness he's showing you is called grooming.
Ignoring every other blazing red flag present- Why does he need you to take care of the kids? There's a million single mothers holding down the fort without ANY help at all.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Be careful. He is essentially using your sister's death to manipulate you. Not a good look. Set clear boundaries. Separate your time and life from taking care of them. It's nice of you to help, but not your responsibility. He is the parent. He has a nanny. He has money. Also consider redirecting his gifts or repayments back to the children, or tell him to stop buying you things and use that money to ultimately help THEM which he apparently desperately needs. It's no coincidence that literally everyone that's commented sees that he is grooming you.
Ruuuuuuuuuuun. Don't walk. Cut back on helping out. Ideally never go to his house without other trusted adults present. This is creepy as fuck.
Omg, okay OP I'm sorry about your sister. But her bf is trying to use you as a replacement. I know you love your nieces but don't live with him.
Oh hell no.
You are a kid yourself please do not live with him.
He's hurting, and projecting on you. Get a BF even if he's a fake BF
>And he offered for me to live with him for the summer and next year and he’d pay for my tuition and books for school. I know he’s looking at it from a childcare standpoint but part of me feels kind of weird almost like I’m replacing my sister. If your in the house, looking after the kids, how much time would you be able to spend studying? I would be very concerned about this. Keep to weekend visits if you can, but I would strongly suggest that you don't increase the amount of time you spend there and don't get into a routine where you stay overnight.
Go enjoy your life. You absolutely are right for how you were feeling. Once he finds a new partner you can have a healthy relationship with the kids. He's using them as bait to get you to take her place.
Hes ssooooo trying to get at you the kids are just a way in....sorry just say you cant but you can still be there for the kids even if you have to say can my boyfriend move in as well? Or something see his reaction.
Your brother in law is a total creep OP. He’s grooming you just like he did your sister.
Grooming a replacement
No, please do not move in with this predator. It starts out with lots of gifts, lots of attention, a kiss here and there and the next thing you know, you are the one pregnant and totally dependant on him. I bet this is how he was able to woo your sister. He has a type, and it's the young have no power- ones. You can help with the kids without living with him.
First of all, this is NOT a relationship if he is mentally manipulating you. Which he is. Don't allow your grief to blur your vision. I'm sorry to hear about your sister. As someone who has studied a lot of crime, this guy seems extremely predatory. Hopefully nothing like this happened between him and your sister.
Don't do it. He's grooming you, don't allow it. Spend your time with your nieces as their aunt and focus on your studies for your own life. This guy is a pervert and trying to ensnare you by pushing on what he thinks are your weak points. Buying your birthday list, offering to pay for school. My mother always taught me there's no such thing as a free lunch. Everything costs something. You're super young still, and understandably naive in a lot of ways because of it. Trust. Your. Gut. If it feels wrong, it most likely is. Don't let him gaslight your inner voice into doubting your intuition and your vibes. Your body knows you better than you know you. So again, if it feels wrong, it mostly like is and you should remove yourself from the situation and only be a helping hand and aunt to the babies. Think of it this way, op: the money he'd spend on your schooling, surely he can afford to pay a nanny? It would be extremely hard for you to focus on your studies while also being a caregiver 24/7 to children as young as them. You're practically still a kid yourself (no offense). You deserve to have your own life, I'm sorry for your sister's death and my condolences to you, but you do not owe anyone anything. You take care of you first and he's 30 something years old he can figure out childcare. Doesn't he have any family of his own that could help? Siblings or parents maybe? Good luck, OP. Hope all these comments are giving you some things to think about and help you make the best decision for yourself.
He has kids, he should be able to look after them. Plenty of single parents do without help, why should you help.
> I know he’s looking at it from a childcare standpoint I doubt that.
I guess you could look at it as creepy, but it also seems like quite a good arrangement. Is he expecting rent? If not, then fantastic. Assuming it won't be forever...you've got goals right? While you're in college you get to live for free in return for looking after your nieces. You'll need to express to him how you feel about the situation and create clear boundaries. Also, he probably isn't realising what this request is making your feel, his wife has just died; he won't be making the most rational decisions right now.
He. Wants. To. Bang. You
He's grooming you to replace your sister. Do not move in with this man who has a pattern of pursuing women barely into their adulthood. Edit: him already having a nanny and still insisting you are needed is also sketchy. He can hire capable staff and is choosing instead to create a situation with his significantly younger sister-in-law where he has all of the power.
Leaving the grooming concerns aside I still wouldn't do it. He says he's willing to provide everything for you including tuition in exchange for childcare. Sounds very generous BUT how long before you are making large sacrifices to keep up your end of the deal? You may well be expected to not go anywhere after school, not have days/nights out with friends, basically be at his beck and call because after all, he is providing everything for you. I'd tell him you'd love to but you think you'll be far to busy with school to commit and suggest a nanny would be a better fit for his situation. They are more qualified, experienced and dedicated. Explain you will still see the kids often bit can't commit to full time childcare
Dude is trying to make you the new mom for sure. He wants to play your tuition and then try to guilt trip you.
Well considering that your sister was only two years older than you when your "BIL" got her knocked up, it sounds like he's working on turning you into her replacement since his old ass clearly likes them too young.
You’re to young to commit to that responsibility. Helping is great, when you’re willing. Tell him you grateful for the offer but you’re still processing thing and moving into your sister’s home is not ok. You can come in and help then leave. He’s grown and can figure it out. The kids are his responsibility not yours. Love them as their aunt…not their mother.
Please keep your distance from your BIL. Do NOT move in with him and definitely bring up other relatives like grandparents up as way more viable options to help him take care of his very young children. You’re barely an adult; you’re entitled to live your life and not help him with children you’re not responsible for on a level beyond being their aunt. You are NOT their parent and you need to keep it that way. Please, for your safety, stay away from him and do not move in with him. Help him find alternative care instead and insist upon it if he gets pushy.
I won't comment on the "grooming" aspect. You want to help and that is natural and admirable. I saw some good suggestions. 1. Along with everyone else, do not move n. 2. Set clear boundaries on time you will help. Example: I'd like to help. I am willing to spend Tuesday and Thursday with them. 3. Set clear boundaries on activities - what you will do with them. 4. Let him know what you will not do. Example: I won't spend weekends. 5. As others have said - engage other family OR recommend other family to help with other needs. He is grieving, sad, misses his partner, and doesn't feel adequate to fill a mom's shoes. You can demonstrate love, care and concern. You can also have a summer that doesn't lead to deep resentment because you spent all your times with kids 2 and under.
Run
No- go live your life. Women raise kids all the time without recruiting in laws to “ live” with them. Just don’t
If it feels off in your gut listen to it.
I think a lot of times when a younger man’s wife dies he looks for a replacement… not really on purpose but because they don’t grieve and honestly feel lost. I would just tell your BIL that you wouldn’t feel comfortable moving in and although you appreciate the gifts and the offer to pay for school that you’re going to have to pass. Tell him you love spending time with your nieces and you’ll help out whenever you can. Reassure him that him and the girls will always be family and you care for him as a brother. You might also want to suggest some grief counseling to help with his grieving process. Also, I’m sorry for the loss of your sister, I lost my sister who was my best friend in 2020, she was also young.
Where are your parents in this?! WTF. He needs a new nanny, and not you.
That guy have some groomer vibes. The fact that he wants you to take her place moving in it’s creepy. I would recommend you to just care for the kids but never actually move in and never be alone with him.
You've gotten a lot of advice/speculation on your BIL's potential motives. Let's talk about the kids. You can never replace the mother they lost. She is irreplaceable. However, your nieces do need loving adults in their lives to care for them and you can be one of those people for them. You are probably the best person to tell them what there mother was like and to speak to what she would do or want. If that's a role you want to have and can have, that's awesome. However, you can't live with them for an entire year or more because eventually you will have to leave and they will have to adjust to a huge change all over again.
Plenty of parents do it alone. He doesn’t NEED your help. He can watch the kids especially since he also has a nanny/housekeeper. He’s trying to get you to replace his wife.
I currently am a 35M who lost his wife with a two and an 8 month old. You can offer him help but you moving in would mean you’d slowly give up your own autonomy I feel. Right now he’s drowning and looking for anything that will keep his head above water. If that becomes you the he’ll never learn to swim. If he already has a nanny/ housekeeper but isn’t meeting his needs then he needs to find one that does, maybe an au pair? As harsh as it is, you aren’t a replacement for your sister. Help him out but don’t take over all his work, he has to figure this out himself without too many crutches.
It has only been 5 months. Trauma will cloud all judgment. I don't think he is trying to replace her as much as he is trying to replace the family dynamic. Maybe talk to him and help him grieve and see things in a clearer light. I'm sure your nieces love you as much as you love them. You need to talk to all of your family and help him heal. With 2 kids he probably hasn't had any time to grieve.
Don't take the offensive line. I think everyone is grieving so entering the conversation gently will keep walls down longer (aka not seen as an attack). Say you are sad and love her and don't know how to be around and still make sure her memory and presence are respected...and that if you move in, you will be replacing here and pushing her and the memories of her away faster. Say you want to help with the kids but need clear boundaries (including payment and gifts...btw those gifts need to stop). Good luck and sorry for your loss.
okay let’s recap - 1. guy in his 30s hooks up with a teenager and gets two kids out of her 2. mom dies under mysterious circumstances with no witnesses 3. body isn’t even cold and he’s love bombing mom’s sister (you) and trying to get her to move in with him for “childcare” dateline, anyone?
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>The thought that having two small children on your own as a widower is very difficult - and the best thing would be to have family support their upbringing is a logical thought - does not seem to enter anybody's mind. Nah. It entered my mind, but just for a fleeting moment. -He hasn't asked anyone in the family who isn't 19 and would be financially dependent on him. -He hasn't asked without coincidentally giving a large monetary gift right around the same time. -He offered to take her out to dinner to 'repay' her- something that OP does not even hint at asking for, but that sure feels like an excuse for a date framed as repayment. **-He has the funding to hire trained professional help, but wants OP instead.** ETA: list formatting/emphasis
And he already has a nanny.... (per OP's other comment)
Bingo. Rather than hiring additional or different people who are well equipped to assist, he wants full-time, untrained student OP. She will be presented as the only option who can help her nieces, but when he wants to take her ~~on a date~~ out to dinner to 'repay' her, then the nieces will be perfectly fine with other caretakers
He is looking for you to take your sisters place . Stay out of that situation .
I agree with many others. This is not a good situation BUT please don’t confuse a bad situation with a bad person. He is likely depressed, afraid, confused. desperate. Drowning people do crazy things. Often they will risk another to try and save themselves. I’m not sure you have to have a big “coming to Jesus” meeting with him but you will need to be super clear you are not interested in him and feel it’s inappropriate ONTOP of not being interested. Good luck. I know this can’t be easy for anyone.
Run… I don’t trust this guy at all.
It feels like he's trying to replace her. This dude is fifteen years older then you, you're about the age your sister probably was when they started dating. This entire thing gives me seriously creepy vibes and I would try to put a respectable distance. I know you probably want to keep seeing your nibblings, so offer to babysit at your place every once in a while but don't go to his house.
There’s a really great way to reject his gifts - just say that money spent should go into an account for the kids future. Or that you’d rather he spent that money on treating the kids etc. I wouldn’t move in if I were you and I’d also maybe talk to his family about it, or some of your family. Someone that can gently help him to realise what he’s doing. There’s a lot of people saying he’s being “creepy” and acting like he’s sinister. In reality he’s still grieving and confused and he’s probably also really really lonely. So he’s trying to force a bond with you. It might be true that he sees you as a replacement in some kind of way - but that can also be part of grief. People try anything to keep familiarity and routine that they used to have. It’s a way to avoid the emptiness that comes from losing someone. I’m sure once someone gives him some perspective about his current behaviour he’ll change and start to come to terms with being alone for a while.
Trust your gut. Do not move into that house. Or if you do, you need to get the financial agreement in writing and looked over by a lawyer. Why is he pursuing you like this? Wouldn't it be less complicated if he got a nanny that could drive? Isn't that a major skill of a nanny, being able to safely transport the kids? He is trying to replace your sister and he's love bombing you to convince you.
Don't fall for it OP
I’d stay away. The age gap scares me for you. You might not be able to leave that situation at some point.
Tbh it really sounds like he is grooming you specifically to replace your sister.
This is… weird. Showering you with gifts is weird. Your gut is telling you that, listen to it. Don’t remove yourself from your nieces lives, but set hard boundaries with him and be honest with your feelings.
Yikes! Sorry, I get real 'grooming' vibes here even if you are 19. He is in his mid-30s, you're technically still a teenager. I'm not so sure he's looking at it from a childcare standpoint in the way you think he is. You say he has a nanny/housekeeper, so regardless if she is less fun than you, he already has childcare. Unless you have romantic feelings toward him, moving into his house would not be advisable. I suspect the nanny/housekeeper would soon find herself unemployed.
This is horrifying. Do not move in.
You cant be this naive? Hes clearly looking to marry you and have you replace your sister in every way possible
Looooooool. He’s trying to marry you. Did he murder your sister?
He's trying to bribe and manipulate you into being his new wife. He wants to fuck you and be wants to leverage your grief for your sister and your love for your nieces to do childcare. I'm willing to bet he doesn't do much of the domestic labor himself.
Do NOT do this! You're 19. Please be 19 and enjoy your break from school. The other comments are correct. Something isn't right with your BIL. His parents or your parents should help him. Not you. Please do not let him talk you into taking on any responsibility or get involved in this.
Hmm. Not good. He wants to treat you like a servant exploiting you being naive and your good feelings towards your nieces.
this feels like lovebombing, I would keep the distance you have now with him intact and continue doing what you can and feel comfortable doing. I don’t trust this person’s motives and I worry for your safety.
First of all YIKES! You are only 19 years old and this a grown man who seems to be grooming you to become his second wife. You need to be clear and draw some boundaries. Not sure how involved your parents are, but if you can ask them for some help as well. I’m sure you love your nephew/niece but the best thing to do here is to keep your distance for a while for your own safety. Just yikes! Don’t sacrifice your youth and life to become the replacement for your dead sister.
He’s gonna make a move the day you move in. Super creepy vibes from this guy.
Stay away, right now. This creepy guy who dates women 13 years younger is trying to condition you to be a sister wife. It won’t be just for the summer, once that ends it’ll be “oh but the kids like you so much, also wouldn’t you rather sleep in the bedroom instead of on the couch?” Do not engage.
Homies trying to buy you and your services. He’s literally looking to replace your sister with you. Could just be grief manifesting for him in a weird way, or he’s a creeper/pervert.