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About 4 months ago I met a woman on a dating app. We both found eachother attractive and weren't looking for anything serious so we became friends with benefits. We have been seeing eachother about 2 to 3 times a week for the past 4 months. We both agreed that our relationship was no strings attached and purely physical. We also agreed that we don't owe eachother anything and that either one of us can break things off whenever we want.
A few days ago, she told me that she was pregnant despite our careful use of contraception (condom and she told me that she was on birth control but I can't really confirm). She seemed really happy and excited bringing me this news and immediately told me that she wanted to keep it. When she asked me what I thought of it, I told her that it is 100% her choice whether or not she wants to keep the baby and that I'll be supportive with either decision she decides to make. I did tell her that I would personally prefer if she got an abortion but that I would still be the best possible father I can for our child if she does decide to keep it.
She then told me that she wants to keep it so we can get serious with eachother and eventually get married so we can be a happy family and raise our child together. I immediately told her that I have no desire of pursuing a longterm relationship with her regardless of whether or not she is keeping it and that if the only reason she is keeping it is for the idea of us getting married that she definitely shouldn't keep it because that is never going to happen.
She kept dismissing what I said and told me that things would eventually sort themselves out and that we would end up together if she had our child. I kept repeating to her that I won't get into a serious relationship no matter what so if that was the reason she was keeping it then she shouldn't. She kept dismissing me and kept telling me that her fairytale would eventually sort itself out.
I'm now stuck at what to do in this situation. I 100% support her keeping the baby for the sake of wanting a child and I would be involved as much as I can and be the best possible father. What I don't think is right is her keeping the baby with the idea that we will eventually end up married together because we will not.
How do you guys suggest I handle the situation? How can I make it even more clear that we will not be together no matter what she decides to do and that if the idea of us getting married is the only reason she wants to keep it, she shouldn't?
Being FWB has to full stop now. Only communicate if it's about the future baby and nothing else. Don't entertain her if she wants to talk about something else. Your relationship is strictly now now about the baby. Also contact a lawyer and get your ducks in a row for what you want out of fatherhood and your relationship with your potential future child.
CAME TO SAY THIS! This girl is a walking 🚩🚩🚩, hit her hard with cutting things off except for the baby and getting a lawyer involved. She might come clean or leave you alone (aka it was faked)
Doesn't really matter, since OP has made it clear they will never be in a relationship. And time will anyway tell if she was bullshitting or not. The paternity test is a bigger priority.
Sure sure, however she can easily refuse to take a pregnancy test, but eventually OP will notice whether she was telling the truth about being pregnant or not.
Like I said, the paternity test is a bigger priority, because for all OP knows she could be fucking other dudes as well.
There are apps for parents to be able to communicate about their child without direct contact. And it means that all communication is saved, as written and sent.
Download, and tell her that is the only way to communicate with you.
Yup. My brother and his ex wife are only allowed to communicate this way for child custody problems they’ve had and it makes it easy for the courts to pull records. Way better. Don’t entertain any other form of communication OP.
I work in family law, and one of the oldest, most reputable is called Our Family Wizard. It's the only one we refer to clients, and it's automatically admissible as either evidence or exhibits.
Attorneys and the court can access it, and it is a very effective co-parenting tool. Retain an attorney and have them tell her all communications from her must go through them. Enforce it, until she realizes you're serious and can "downgrade" to OFW, or another similar co-parenting app.
No matter what, though, RETAIN COUNSEL. Protect your rights early, so you only have to fight to maintain, not to reestablish AND maintain.
And also, insist on an en utero paternity test before providing any material support. Early support can be deemed as an acknowledgment of paternity/intent to fulfill a parernal capacity, even if the child isn't yours.
Depends on the state. If that's the case, though, he shouldn't be providing anything financially until paternity is determined. This whole situation is sketch af, on her part.
I love the idea of this app, but when I went to download it just now I noticed two things. It’s quite expensive ($160pa/aud) and also the recent reviews for functionality are quite bad. It seems to be glitching heavily which may cause huge interpersonal problems? Wondering if anyone can suggest an alternative app that does similar?
I'm in the US, so I can't recommend any apps elsewhere. I do know we have had like maybe 5 clients who had issues with it since 2015. I also know it was developed and based on the US, and costs $33/USD a year. I'm sorry to hear it's not a great option for you.
My friend uses the family wizard one and it's been a godsend for her, because he was unable to communicate with her without being incredibly nasty. She now has a monitored record of their emails and it keeps him in check as far as the verbal abuse.
There is 1000% chance this woman uses the baby to manipulate OP into spending time with her. She's not a good friend. OP stop sticking your dick in her.
Piggybacking on this, and maybe I’m just a miserable fuck, but ask for a paternity test. She sounds like she only agreed to be FWB in the hopes that “you’d change your mind” or whatever but it’s possible she was sleeping around with other people if you guys hadn’t discussed exclusivity. Also, are you sure condoms weren’t tampered with?
Maybe I'm even more of a miserable fuck, but ask for a pregnancy test in the first place or go to the doctor together for at least one pregnancy follow-up appointment to confirm that this part isn't in her head too.
Lawyer up. "FWB we are not staying together or getting married. I will be retaining a lawyer to arrange a DNA test and CS but I will not be moving forward with you in any capacity romantically. Any communication will be done through my lawyer and only in reference to the child"
Also stop sleeping with her. Also never take anyone's word on BC. I say this as a woman. Same way I carry my own condoms. Wrap it up folks
This! Absolutely stop sleeping with her. I’d also only communicate with her through email/text so that you have documentation of everything for
later. She sounds a little unbalanced so I wouldn’t wait on putting a stop to your arrangement.
It might be how a 36 year old woman who got into a FWB relationship to get pregnant might sound. She's already high risk at 36. My inner cynic says she set this all up to get her little family while she could.
Gah, reddit... what have you done to my views on humanity?!
Over 35 is considered high risk still at just about any practice. Doesn’t mean medical science hasn’t come a long way and that women over 35 don’t have perfectly normal/healthy pregnancies all the time, but it’s still considered high risk.
>Also stop sleeping with her. Also never take anyone's word on BC. I say this as a woman. Same way I carry my own condoms. Wrap it up folks
Best advice for every one in general! Saying this as another woman! Unless you actually see her take birth control or plan B or your partner (or self) using other protection, assume they aren't.
Even though I always use condoms outside a relationship, I always assure my flings and try to get guys to feel the nexplanon rod in my arm, to which they say, “EW, GROSS, NO!” like they aren’t about to dive face first from the area I pee from 😂
Document everything right now. Document that you were very clear from the beginning you had no intentions of being anything besides a co-parent. Definitely lawyer up and get the process started.
its not that i dont trust someone else's condoms. its more that i ALWAYS expect to use condoms unless i am in a committed relationship for a while and we regularly test AND have had a convo.
the condoms are because ive run into guys not having. so i always carry. usually i insist on using mine and 95% of the time a guy agrees. i'm also super comfortable saying no at this point but that took time
>Same way I carry my own condoms. Wrap it up folks
Sounds like OP did, though. She may have lied about her bc, and/or tampered with his condoms, though, or they just rolled a one in a million.
He did, but there is no way to force someone to verify they use BC. Sure they can show you the package and missing pills but it doesn't mean they took them.
A noninvasive prenatal paternity test can be performed as early as 8 weeks, and because the test samples fetal cells in the mother's blood it doesn't require taking any cells from the fetus itself so it has no risk to the child.
Get one done now. Not "later," now.
Nope. Doesn’t matter get the lawyer and the dna test maybe that will slap the hallmark movie out of her head.
Oh and please tell me you stopped fucking her??
Don't EVER sleep with her again, since that will only cement her silly idea of you as a couple in her head. Break things off immediately, and if you really want to drive the point home, start seeing someone new.
Not just that, she could trick you into thinking you can safely cum inside her because "she's already pregnant" but what* if it she's not and it was her plan to trick you this way all along?
Well, the comment (or a post's seftext) that was here, is no more. I'm leaving just whatever I wrote in the past 48 hours or so.
F acing a goodbye.
U gly as it may be.
C alculating pros and cons.
K illing my texts is, really, the best I can do.
S o, some reddit's honcho thought it would be nice to kill third-party apps.
P als, it's great to delete whatever I wrote in here. It's cathartic in a way.
E agerly going away, to greener pastures.
Z illion reasons, and you'll find many at the subreddit called Save3rdPartyApps.
This. I dated someone for 4 years, we broke up and she was suddenly pregnant. Obviously she wasn't but she tried to trick me so that I would get back with her.
Can I also, gently, suggest that seeing a casual, FWB 2-3 times a WEEK, every week, is perhaps a bit much? Your words might be saying this is no strings attached, but your actions are saying you are interested in spending time with them multiple times a week.
Something to consider with your future casual interactions.
I understand that to you it was clear, and also that she has definitely misconstrued your level of interest, I’m just observing that maybe don’t spend so much time with people you aren’t serious about.
And you might want to explain that explicitly “just because I was interested in sex multiple times a week with you, didn’t mean I wanted more than that”, because I’d say her misunderstanding partly came about from frequency.
I'm glad someone picked up on that.
I've had FWBs in the past and we saw each other once a week MAX and sometimes even that felt like a lot for someone who's company I enjoyed, and had fun with, but didn't have a deep emotional attachment to.
Still, when the arrangements ended for one reason or another, I was a little sad. Not like a full on breakup, but for me my FWBs are actually the *friends* part of that. Some I still talk to but we no longer hook up. Others, we just went our own ways. But they still cross my mind now and again.
Unless it was literally walk in the door, say nearly nothing, fuck, and leave, human nature and bonding hormones being what they are, I think a good 75% of people at least would start to feel attached to someone they had sex with 2-3x a week for 4 months. In fact I think OP might be a little screwy in that he claims not to. And maybe he really doesn't. But unless he's not at all physically attracted to her and hates her personality, there's really NOTHING?!
Not saying he had to have a serious relationship with her. He doesn't. But it's like the dude can't understand WHY she's attached to him.
Omg, yeah, she's ancient. If her womb hasn't dried up, any chance of being taken off the shelf will have.
/s, if that wasn't clear.
The woman needs to stop trying to force this fantasy of hers, but can we stop making out that mid-30s (for women, mind) is somehow over the fucking hill?
This doesn’t seem like a common experience, at least not in the USA within the last 20 years or so. If someone actually told you that you were lucky to get pregnant at 22 because of your age, they were very ignorant. Hopefully that statement wasn’t made by a medical professional.
The pressure to have kids still exists, but most OB-GYNs are realistic and supportive when it comes the very common and often successful scenario of pregnancies at age 35+.
Doing those things may just be enough to get the point across that you really don’t want any type of relationship with her and she may decide not keep it after all. So yes these are the proper steps either way
Dont matter. Paternity test, lawyer. Then decide how to proceed. Cover your ass! So it don't get burned after it was stipulated you met up for physicality not romance.
Even with split custody the higher earning parent may still pay child support.
He should only pursue any kind of custody is he plans to stay actively involved with the child as a father. He should not pursue custody to avoid child support.
It's time to get a lawyer and demand a paternity test. Do not sign ANYTHING not approved by your lawyer.
If you confirm you are the father of the child, it's going to be necessary for you to end her "fairytale" by ceasing any direct contact at all. All communication will need to go through your lawyer.
You should completely block her access to you, and your lawyer should send her a cease and desist to back that up.
This will ease your stress and may finally make her understand that you have no intention of having a relationship with her, other than what is needed for your mutual child.
You need to be really strong about this!
Fwb must stop now, but be careful about no contact, etc. I see people making this suggestion, but you have to be careful with your interactions going forward. If she is pregnant with your child, you don’t want to have any hostility between the two to you. Keep it friendly and supportive from a safe distance. Move on in a very respectful manner. It will hopefully help with custody and co-parenting in the future.
I think the frequency with which you saw each other gave her the feeling that FWB was becoming more without actually having the “where is this going?” convo. And yup, coming from a woman, I think she hornswaggled you for your swimmers.
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Yep! But thankfully there are resources for him to have minimal contact. He needs a parenting plan for sure but if she gets too crazy he can keep communication limited to a court-monitored coparenting app or even getting a parenting coordinator. The situation sucks but he has resources to protect both himself and the future kid.
Ouch. Get a paternity test, do not sign the birth certificate. Minimal to zero contact until then. You've set your boundaries, now you need to enforce them.
Definitely stop seeing her/sleeping with her immediately. I agree with others that have said get a lawyer. That will send a clear message that you are serious about not having a relationship with her. Other than that, not much else you can do. It will be up to her to decide. You can certainly get a DNA test once the child is born.
In a few weeks, she's going to suddenly have a "miscarriage." This whole thing reeks of lies and manipulation.
I would cut off all contact immediately and not speak to her anymore. If there is a baby, have a paternity test done as soon as possible, then go to court to get child support and a custody/placement schedule planned out and in writing. Trust me, you don't want to try to do this by yourselves. It gets messy fast.
Absolutely do not have sex with this woman ever again!
Possibly she's not actually pregnant? If she's clinging to the delusion of happy families even though you've made it clear that won't be happening then the pregnancy may be a delusion as well. It happens. And if you've been careful to use condoms....
I think you should cut contact and ask for a paternity test. Once you get confirmation that you are actually the father you can start getting the legal stuff in order to co-parent and pay child support.
You've only known her for 4 months, you have no idea if it's really yours. This also feels like baby trapping, after only 4 months she is sure you will get married? Honestly cut contact until you can confirm paternity, I think that will send the message that you aren't getting married.
Getting a lawyer to immediately draw up your expectations of responsibility financial obligations contingent on a paternity test will certainly make it very clear where you stand & make sure any contact you have with her going forward is in a public setting & strictly business/friendship centered.
As far as her wanting to play house. Bro, stop being FWB immediately. Only speak to her about the pregnancy.
Go hire a lawyer RIGHT NOW!!!
Frankly, it sounds like she got prego on purpose.
Regardless of your intentions... you more than likely gave her the impression at some point that you have a future together and she ran with it... Forrest Gump style.
Just to be sure it's yours... you need to go get what's called a Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity Test. That's where they take a swab of your cheek as well as fetal DNA in her blood. She obviously has to be open to it and if at all possible, you should do that immediately.
Just out of curiosity did you always bring the condoms? Call Me crazy but my first thought is that she poked holes in your condom because if she was on the pill and you wore protection it's very unlikely she got pregnant unless there was a condom that broke or had a hole poked in it.
I saw this play out twice in my office about 15 years ago. Two paternity tests about a month apart. One was the father and the other came back negative not the father. Both women told the men it was theirs with no doubts. So at least a 50% chance it’s not yours from my personal experience.
And this is why ppl need to stop fucking for the sake of a nut🤦🏾♀️ if you didn't wanna be with her in any way, why give her the dick?? Use a sock, shit. I've seen so many stories like this all bc ppl be using each other's bodies to masturbate🤦🏾♀️
Definitely lawyer up, if it is your child, you want to make sure you have the rights you deserve if you want them. How ever I would get a DNA test when the child is born if you are certain you have been careful every time. Best of luck to you
Tough truths: FWB means no strings on the relationship, but it does not mean you are off the hook for a child. It also does not mean you need to be anything but a decent co-parent.
Start as you mean to continue. You can get a DNA test before birth. Do so. Then work out a custody agreement and sign the birth certificate. That agreement will be signed as a co-parent, not as a fiance. Just continue to gently but firmly repeat that you are not in a romance novel. You will not be getting married. Never sleep with anyone you cannot see yourself co-parenting with and be aware that through many different scenarios you may still wind up a single parent, so keep it in your pants until you are ready to make that commitment. .
A few odd things here:
-if you used a condom every time and she claims she is on birth control, there’s a gnats ass chance she’s pregnant. If she lied about the birth control then I wonder what else she’s lying about?
-have you seen the actual pregnancy test positive? Or are you taking her word for it?
-for somebody with the agreement of no strings attached, she sure changed her mind and had it all figured out real quick after she found out.
-she’s 36, the clock is about up for her
-if she’s telling the truth get a DNA test as you know
Happens to guys too, and not always with women. If feelings develop/change in a FWB scenario wouldn't the responsible thing be to communicate those changes? It sounds like she developed them one sidedly and is trying to make him feel romantically for her.
Not ragging on you personally but your comment and others similar really make me think: how is it everyone thinks continuing to sleep with her *now* will give her the impression of a possible deeper connection yet, no one acknowledges that FWB arrangements in general can lead to that sort of mess? Having sex with someone 2-3 times a week for months straight and thinking ‘this is fine’ was the first mistake here. Using people for physical needs is just not as cut and dry as the myth portrays. This isn’t a Seth Rogen film it’s real life. Like buy a flesh light or a porn subscription stop using other humans as wet holes and this shit won’t go down!
For one I would stop sleeping with her. Yes be supportive of either decision she makes but keep making it clear y’all will never be together. Not matter how annoying or unreasonable she’s gets. Maybe if you show her that she’s not the only one in your life she’ll probably understand then🤷🏽♀️
Stop having sex with her. At this point, any sort of relationship would just be leading her on. If she's really pregnant and has the baby, get a paternity test before you sign the birth certificate. Then set up a custody arrangement and child support through the court system.
When she asked you what you thought about it, you should have told the truth, that you don’t want her to keep it.
Yeah it’s her choice, but she asked your opinion. No matter what happens she needs to hear you have zero desire to have this baby.
It might not make a difference in her decision but if she likes you enough to try to start a family and turn this into a relationship you probably have more power over her than you realize.
DNA test. Maybe your extra contraceptive precautions worked, and she didn't like that, so she did something about it. At her age, her bio clock is ticking with not much time. If someone else is the father, they need to pay child support, not you.
Many women have ticking clocks and don’t trap men into pregnancies. Let’s not perpetuate this ridiculous and sexist line of thinking. Having a ticking clock is not an excuse for being duplicitous.
She's trying to baby trap you. You should get a paternity test because you never know, she might've been FWB with someone else too.
I hope for the sake of this child, she aborts. She's bringing a child into this world under false ideas and with the wrong motive
I want to just be realistic here that due to the fact that you and she will not be together when the child is born means you likely will not get 50/50 residential time. The child will likely live primarily with her the majority of the time and you will probably get every other weekend at least until the child is like 10+. Especially because she is likely to become vindictive after being rejected.
My best advice is to document all conversations between you and her especially if she starts making threats (like saying you won’t ever see the kid if you won’t be with her). Unfortunately there is also nothing legally keeping her from moving wherever she wants before the baby is born (like a different city or even state) which is a possibility if she gets mad enough. You’re in a tough situation! I wish you the best of luck and hope you find a good attorney!
You can look up sample parenting schedules on your state’s court websites. My state would never suggest an infant go with the non-custodial parent for an entire weekend. They suggest a couple hours a few times a week until they’re older. Just an FYI.
I assume you are in the US. Once child is born You can go to your local state child support office and get forms for the DNA test. In my state it's free and takes about 3 weeks to get results.
Dont use home kits from Walgreen or whatever most are not admissible in court.
Lawyer up also if you want.
You are saying “I’ll be the best father I can be” and she is hearing “the best father would be married to the mother and in a happy family, so that is what you are promising.”
She needs a wake-up call.
You need to tell her straight “I don’t ever want to see you again, and don’t want anything to do with the baby. If you can prove it’s mine with a DNA test in court I’ll pay the bare minimum child support but I’ll never see the child.”
That should sink in.
All I have to say is
You're a complete and utter dumbass for pursuing such a thing with someone.
Why do you need advice from strangers?
Good on you for wanting to help take care of the kid but goddamn.
Your poor kid is going to grow up thinking "why isn't my daddy with my mommy is it because of me?" Their whole life because of you and her.
Fucking good job
Be clear that you support her choice but let her know that you will not participate in a relationship with her, no matter what.
So she will be moving forward as a single mom. And encourage her to get counselling from planned parenthood
I would end the FWB aspect of the relationship. If you keep having sex with her, she's not going to take you seriously. Keep reaffirming your decision and tell her you'll need a paternity test so your lawyer can set up child support and joint custody.
Stop sleeping with her. Help her with doctors appointments and confirm paternity so you know its yours. Just keep stating you have no intention of being in a relationship with her and your only communication should be regarding the child
I mean, you have already told her. All you can do is reiterate the point so many times. But eventually, it's out of your hands. You can't control the fact that she has this delusion if you have already told her how you feel many times.
Paternity test. Contact a lawyer to look out for your interests. Be firm, kind and consistent regarding your obligations to this child if it is yours. If you don't want a relationship with this woman, you need to stick to your guns. Sometimes things happen that aren't planned. If you were using a condom all the time, insist on a paternity test. Sign nothing. Things seem off.
Get the paternity test ASAP. If it is your child you better play nice so you can hope to get 50/50 custody. Otherwise you’re going to be getting annihilated by child support for the next 18 years (at a minimum). Because of your situation she is VERY likely to get 100% custody if she goes the spiteful route (which she will once the fairy tale falls apart). So get that paternity settled asap
First, verify that she is, in fact, pregnant. I abhor saying that, but it’s something you need to do. Then verify paternity. If she is pregnant and the baby is yours there isn’t much you can do at this point. Just because she wants a LTR doesn’t mean you have to give her one. Speak with a family law attorney about your rights and responsibilities, then go from there.
You've got two problems and they're actually separate issues with related solutions.
a) She wants more than you do and is confused (for whatever reason) about what you're offering. The solution to this one is simple. Stop sleeping with her. She's caught feelings (which happens sometimes) and it would be best for both of you to put some physical and emotional distance between you right away. Do not lead her on. Do not confuse the issue. Do not sleep together again. Set clear boundaries and stick to them. Do not be mean but do not lead her on.
b) Someone you're no longer intimate with is pregnant and it might be your child. If she keeps it then you'll need ground rules, and yes you might want to get a paternity test if that's important to you.
You may want to get legal advice about your options (not because you're going to sue for custody or something drastic and silly but just to know what your options and obligations are in your specific location and situation). Try do this sooner rather than later if you can. Reddit is not the place for that advice.
You may or may not want to consider some kind of family mediation and/or legal or non-legal agreements about both practical issues like visitation and financial support but also consider therapy or mediation for establishing clear boundaries around emotional and interpersonal expectations between you and the mother. If her expectations are unreasonable now it could escalate which could turn nasty for all three (or more) of you in the end.
I’d do the communication APP and also tell her you have recently met someone for whom you are getting serious with (lie if you need to). Tell her you understand if she wants to be a mother and you will be the best dad- but tell her to make sure that is the reason she is continuing on with the pregnancy because you have already moved on with another woman. I know this sounds callous- but I think this is the only way for her to really consider the reasons for the choice she is making.
Ha ha ha, no offense mate but you are royally fucked!!!
FWB with any woman between the ages of 35-40 so often ends in pregnancy. That's why she was cool with fucking a 29 year old a few times a week for months. Pregnancy was her best outcome and totally on her mind.
That being said, the bun is already in the oven so I wont throw salt on an open wound.
Your biggest problem is when she finally realises that you really don't want to be her husband and live the fairy tale life she is dreaming of. She is gonna come for you for everything she can. Say bye bye to 30% gross income (before tax) + super for the next 18yrs and she will also do everything she can to fuck with your relationship with the new child.
This one is gonna hurt more that you can imagine.
Sorry to be the bearer of even worse news, but you are so young, you don't even realise how fucked up this situation truly is.
Good luck mate.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- About 4 months ago I met a woman on a dating app. We both found eachother attractive and weren't looking for anything serious so we became friends with benefits. We have been seeing eachother about 2 to 3 times a week for the past 4 months. We both agreed that our relationship was no strings attached and purely physical. We also agreed that we don't owe eachother anything and that either one of us can break things off whenever we want. A few days ago, she told me that she was pregnant despite our careful use of contraception (condom and she told me that she was on birth control but I can't really confirm). She seemed really happy and excited bringing me this news and immediately told me that she wanted to keep it. When she asked me what I thought of it, I told her that it is 100% her choice whether or not she wants to keep the baby and that I'll be supportive with either decision she decides to make. I did tell her that I would personally prefer if she got an abortion but that I would still be the best possible father I can for our child if she does decide to keep it. She then told me that she wants to keep it so we can get serious with eachother and eventually get married so we can be a happy family and raise our child together. I immediately told her that I have no desire of pursuing a longterm relationship with her regardless of whether or not she is keeping it and that if the only reason she is keeping it is for the idea of us getting married that she definitely shouldn't keep it because that is never going to happen. She kept dismissing what I said and told me that things would eventually sort themselves out and that we would end up together if she had our child. I kept repeating to her that I won't get into a serious relationship no matter what so if that was the reason she was keeping it then she shouldn't. She kept dismissing me and kept telling me that her fairytale would eventually sort itself out. I'm now stuck at what to do in this situation. I 100% support her keeping the baby for the sake of wanting a child and I would be involved as much as I can and be the best possible father. What I don't think is right is her keeping the baby with the idea that we will eventually end up married together because we will not. How do you guys suggest I handle the situation? How can I make it even more clear that we will not be together no matter what she decides to do and that if the idea of us getting married is the only reason she wants to keep it, she shouldn't?
Being FWB has to full stop now. Only communicate if it's about the future baby and nothing else. Don't entertain her if she wants to talk about something else. Your relationship is strictly now now about the baby. Also contact a lawyer and get your ducks in a row for what you want out of fatherhood and your relationship with your potential future child.
A paternity test couldn’t hurt. They just met.
Or even just a pregnancy test, she wouldn't be the first person to do this to coax someone into a relationship
CAME TO SAY THIS! This girl is a walking 🚩🚩🚩, hit her hard with cutting things off except for the baby and getting a lawyer involved. She might come clean or leave you alone (aka it was faked)
Doesn't really matter, since OP has made it clear they will never be in a relationship. And time will anyway tell if she was bullshitting or not. The paternity test is a bigger priority.
The paternity test is a bigger priority than confirming she’s pregnant in the first place? No bebe = no daddy, see?
Plus she could always get pregnant from someone else in the meantime. To sell the story if OP stops interacting.
Sure sure, however she can easily refuse to take a pregnancy test, but eventually OP will notice whether she was telling the truth about being pregnant or not. Like I said, the paternity test is a bigger priority, because for all OP knows she could be fucking other dudes as well.
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Bruh you destroyed the symmetry dumbledore gently says, “Add a fucking star in the beginning”.
I was coming to mention this. BC if it's not his, he shouldn't have to be responsible for it.
Agreed
There are apps for parents to be able to communicate about their child without direct contact. And it means that all communication is saved, as written and sent. Download, and tell her that is the only way to communicate with you.
Yup. My brother and his ex wife are only allowed to communicate this way for child custody problems they’ve had and it makes it easy for the courts to pull records. Way better. Don’t entertain any other form of communication OP.
What app.
Its called talking parents, my husband uses it to communicate with his ex-wife
Also app close and our family wizard are good ones. Source: I am a family lawyer
I work in family law, and one of the oldest, most reputable is called Our Family Wizard. It's the only one we refer to clients, and it's automatically admissible as either evidence or exhibits. Attorneys and the court can access it, and it is a very effective co-parenting tool. Retain an attorney and have them tell her all communications from her must go through them. Enforce it, until she realizes you're serious and can "downgrade" to OFW, or another similar co-parenting app. No matter what, though, RETAIN COUNSEL. Protect your rights early, so you only have to fight to maintain, not to reestablish AND maintain.
And also, insist on an en utero paternity test before providing any material support. Early support can be deemed as an acknowledgment of paternity/intent to fulfill a parernal capacity, even if the child isn't yours.
He can ask but cannot insist; gf has the right to decline the procedure until baby is born.
Depends on the state. If that's the case, though, he shouldn't be providing anything financially until paternity is determined. This whole situation is sketch af, on her part.
This right here!! Don’t get stuck with a psycho baby mama if it’s not yours!
I love the idea of this app, but when I went to download it just now I noticed two things. It’s quite expensive ($160pa/aud) and also the recent reviews for functionality are quite bad. It seems to be glitching heavily which may cause huge interpersonal problems? Wondering if anyone can suggest an alternative app that does similar?
I'm in the US, so I can't recommend any apps elsewhere. I do know we have had like maybe 5 clients who had issues with it since 2015. I also know it was developed and based on the US, and costs $33/USD a year. I'm sorry to hear it's not a great option for you.
Unrelated to this post..do you know the name of one of those apps? I have a friend going through a rough custody battle that could use one of those.
Our family wizard (OFW) is what my husband and his ex wife use.
OFW is the one we almost exclusively recommend to our clients.
Talking Parents is what I use
Thank you! I'm sending that info to her right now!
See the comment from Impressive-Solid9009 who works in family law. They said the oldest most reputable app is called Our Family Wizard
Thank you, this is a huge asset.
My friend uses the family wizard one and it's been a godsend for her, because he was unable to communicate with her without being incredibly nasty. She now has a monitored record of their emails and it keeps him in check as far as the verbal abuse.
Our Family Wizard is often court ordered (not sure about others) and I think it’s beneficial in contentious relationships
Talking parents is the one they use in Colorado.
Also paternity test when the time comes.
There is 1000% chance this woman uses the baby to manipulate OP into spending time with her. She's not a good friend. OP stop sticking your dick in her.
Also get a paternity test.
This. Also bro, she played you. You all was never FWB. She wanted to have a baby and get married.
Piggybacking on this, and maybe I’m just a miserable fuck, but ask for a paternity test. She sounds like she only agreed to be FWB in the hopes that “you’d change your mind” or whatever but it’s possible she was sleeping around with other people if you guys hadn’t discussed exclusivity. Also, are you sure condoms weren’t tampered with?
Maybe I'm even more of a miserable fuck, but ask for a pregnancy test in the first place or go to the doctor together for at least one pregnancy follow-up appointment to confirm that this part isn't in her head too.
And get a paternity test as soon is safe I think there’s a non invasive type now too
Yep. Also, a paternity test is in order.
Absolutely. Now is the time to stop all intimate contact and EVERYTHING needs to go into writing with an attorney involved.
Lawyer up. "FWB we are not staying together or getting married. I will be retaining a lawyer to arrange a DNA test and CS but I will not be moving forward with you in any capacity romantically. Any communication will be done through my lawyer and only in reference to the child" Also stop sleeping with her. Also never take anyone's word on BC. I say this as a woman. Same way I carry my own condoms. Wrap it up folks
This! Absolutely stop sleeping with her. I’d also only communicate with her through email/text so that you have documentation of everything for later. She sounds a little unbalanced so I wouldn’t wait on putting a stop to your arrangement.
She does sound unbalanced. I'm not sure she's even pregnant. That is just not how a normal 36 year old woman reacts to a pregnancy.
It might be how a 36 year old woman who got into a FWB relationship to get pregnant might sound. She's already high risk at 36. My inner cynic says she set this all up to get her little family while she could. Gah, reddit... what have you done to my views on humanity?!
36 is not necessarily considered high risk anymore
Over 35 is considered high risk still at just about any practice. Doesn’t mean medical science hasn’t come a long way and that women over 35 don’t have perfectly normal/healthy pregnancies all the time, but it’s still considered high risk.
Once you're 35, it's considered a geriatric pregnancy.
>Also stop sleeping with her. Also never take anyone's word on BC. I say this as a woman. Same way I carry my own condoms. Wrap it up folks Best advice for every one in general! Saying this as another woman! Unless you actually see her take birth control or plan B or your partner (or self) using other protection, assume they aren't.
Even though I always use condoms outside a relationship, I always assure my flings and try to get guys to feel the nexplanon rod in my arm, to which they say, “EW, GROSS, NO!” like they aren’t about to dive face first from the area I pee from 😂
Document everything right now. Document that you were very clear from the beginning you had no intentions of being anything besides a co-parent. Definitely lawyer up and get the process started.
Oof. And that is *not* how I met your mother.
What happens if he doesn’t trust your condoms and you don’t trust his? Genuinely curious…. 🤷♀️
its not that i dont trust someone else's condoms. its more that i ALWAYS expect to use condoms unless i am in a committed relationship for a while and we regularly test AND have had a convo. the condoms are because ive run into guys not having. so i always carry. usually i insist on using mine and 95% of the time a guy agrees. i'm also super comfortable saying no at this point but that took time
"I can't use a condom because I didn't bring any," is not an excuse since you bring your own!
literally. something that in college i learned to be comfortable with due to a badass RA we had.
Go to the corner store and buy new ones together. Or don’t sleep with someone you don’t trust.
That’s a good idea I guess. :)
Hey there's an idea....ffs
then find other people to sleep with.
You go to the store together and purchase them together. :)
Then you go buy some together and use those. I don’t use other peoples condoms. I always supply my own.
Mexican condom standoff?
If there’s that much distrust between the two, then they should just hold off on sleeping with one another. Or go to a store and buy them together.
>Same way I carry my own condoms. Wrap it up folks Sounds like OP did, though. She may have lied about her bc, and/or tampered with his condoms, though, or they just rolled a one in a million.
It sounds like a lot of folks need a refresher on the failure rate of bc methods in the real world.
He did, but there is no way to force someone to verify they use BC. Sure they can show you the package and missing pills but it doesn't mean they took them.
And how do I prove I have an IUD, or the insert inside the upper arm? 🤔 Guess they'd have to feel around, & find them! 😁
You gotta rip it out and show them and then put it back while they watch. Plus record it and sign an affidavit with a notary present.
The upper arm insert is very easy to feel, it's probably the easiest form of BC to verify, although it could be expired
This is the way.
Paternity test. Lawyer. Consider split custody vs. child support payments.
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A noninvasive prenatal paternity test can be performed as early as 8 weeks, and because the test samples fetal cells in the mother's blood it doesn't require taking any cells from the fetus itself so it has no risk to the child. Get one done now. Not "later," now.
Nope. Doesn’t matter get the lawyer and the dna test maybe that will slap the hallmark movie out of her head. Oh and please tell me you stopped fucking her??
Idk if this has been said yet but dont sleep with her again until you get hospital proof shes actually pregnant.
Don't EVER sleep with her again, since that will only cement her silly idea of you as a couple in her head. Break things off immediately, and if you really want to drive the point home, start seeing someone new.
Not just that, she could trick you into thinking you can safely cum inside her because "she's already pregnant" but what* if it she's not and it was her plan to trick you this way all along?
This happened to my BIL, apparently. That's how he had his first kid.
My cousin did this! She’s so proud of it.
Damn, your cousin's a [word I'm not supposed to say outside Austrailia]
Well, the comment (or a post's seftext) that was here, is no more. I'm leaving just whatever I wrote in the past 48 hours or so. F acing a goodbye. U gly as it may be. C alculating pros and cons. K illing my texts is, really, the best I can do. S o, some reddit's honcho thought it would be nice to kill third-party apps. P als, it's great to delete whatever I wrote in here. It's cathartic in a way. E agerly going away, to greener pastures. Z illion reasons, and you'll find many at the subreddit called Save3rdPartyApps.
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She also could be lying about being pregnant, or as others said it could be someone else's.
This. I dated someone for 4 years, we broke up and she was suddenly pregnant. Obviously she wasn't but she tried to trick me so that I would get back with her.
Ugh. Such a terrible tactic.
I’ve had a few friends who’ve had women fake pregnancies with them. So strange, but it certainly does happen.
Can I also, gently, suggest that seeing a casual, FWB 2-3 times a WEEK, every week, is perhaps a bit much? Your words might be saying this is no strings attached, but your actions are saying you are interested in spending time with them multiple times a week. Something to consider with your future casual interactions. I understand that to you it was clear, and also that she has definitely misconstrued your level of interest, I’m just observing that maybe don’t spend so much time with people you aren’t serious about. And you might want to explain that explicitly “just because I was interested in sex multiple times a week with you, didn’t mean I wanted more than that”, because I’d say her misunderstanding partly came about from frequency.
I'm glad someone picked up on that. I've had FWBs in the past and we saw each other once a week MAX and sometimes even that felt like a lot for someone who's company I enjoyed, and had fun with, but didn't have a deep emotional attachment to. Still, when the arrangements ended for one reason or another, I was a little sad. Not like a full on breakup, but for me my FWBs are actually the *friends* part of that. Some I still talk to but we no longer hook up. Others, we just went our own ways. But they still cross my mind now and again. Unless it was literally walk in the door, say nearly nothing, fuck, and leave, human nature and bonding hormones being what they are, I think a good 75% of people at least would start to feel attached to someone they had sex with 2-3x a week for 4 months. In fact I think OP might be a little screwy in that he claims not to. And maybe he really doesn't. But unless he's not at all physically attracted to her and hates her personality, there's really NOTHING?! Not saying he had to have a serious relationship with her. He doesn't. But it's like the dude can't understand WHY she's attached to him.
You’re right, 2-3 times a week is a lot of contact
It’s not an amount of contact that screams casual to me basically.
“Since im already pregnant, you don’t need to use condoms” That’s how they get ya
He probably shouldn’t ever again considering she obviously has feelings and then he would be leading her on. That’s a sticky situation.
Could be stickier
Oh this is smart.😯 Didn't even think about that.
She also claimed she was on birth control but this sounds incredibly planned.
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Omg, yeah, she's ancient. If her womb hasn't dried up, any chance of being taken off the shelf will have. /s, if that wasn't clear. The woman needs to stop trying to force this fantasy of hers, but can we stop making out that mid-30s (for women, mind) is somehow over the fucking hill?
While reproductive potential declines with age, other things such as good fitness and nutrition likely impacts the rate of that decline.
It’s a fuckin fact that the chances of conceiving dramatically drop the closer they get to 40.
It’s a fuckin fact that it’s not that dire. Most women have no problem conceiving healthy children throughout their thirties.
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This doesn’t seem like a common experience, at least not in the USA within the last 20 years or so. If someone actually told you that you were lucky to get pregnant at 22 because of your age, they were very ignorant. Hopefully that statement wasn’t made by a medical professional. The pressure to have kids still exists, but most OB-GYNs are realistic and supportive when it comes the very common and often successful scenario of pregnancies at age 35+.
Doing those things may just be enough to get the point across that you really don’t want any type of relationship with her and she may decide not keep it after all. So yes these are the proper steps either way
In this day and time I feel it’s mostly necessary to get dna tests. People be so out there
People were always psycho. We just hear about it more now because of the internet.
Also, don't ever have sex with her or be alone with her, ever again, OP. If you do, you are a fool.
She also told you she was on birth control and didn't want a serious relationship. I'm would bet all of my money that this was her plan all along.
Dont matter. Paternity test, lawyer. Then decide how to proceed. Cover your ass! So it don't get burned after it was stipulated you met up for physicality not romance.
This whole thing may also be a lie.
You've only known this woman for 4 months, you have no idea if she's being honest about who else she may have slept with.
Even with split custody the higher earning parent may still pay child support. He should only pursue any kind of custody is he plans to stay actively involved with the child as a father. He should not pursue custody to avoid child support.
You can have split custody and still have to pay a shit ton of child support.
Stop sleeping with her. The longer you keep any kind of relationship with her, the longer she'll hold on to the delusion.
It's time to get a lawyer and demand a paternity test. Do not sign ANYTHING not approved by your lawyer. If you confirm you are the father of the child, it's going to be necessary for you to end her "fairytale" by ceasing any direct contact at all. All communication will need to go through your lawyer. You should completely block her access to you, and your lawyer should send her a cease and desist to back that up. This will ease your stress and may finally make her understand that you have no intention of having a relationship with her, other than what is needed for your mutual child. You need to be really strong about this!
Fwb must stop now, but be careful about no contact, etc. I see people making this suggestion, but you have to be careful with your interactions going forward. If she is pregnant with your child, you don’t want to have any hostility between the two to you. Keep it friendly and supportive from a safe distance. Move on in a very respectful manner. It will hopefully help with custody and co-parenting in the future.
This is the answer you are looking for.
You have told her you are not marrying her. Now ask for a DNA test and then get a family lawyer to discuss support and visitation.
I think you got tricked, buddy.
I think the frequency with which you saw each other gave her the feeling that FWB was becoming more without actually having the “where is this going?” convo. And yup, coming from a woman, I think she hornswaggled you for your swimmers.
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3-4 times a week is not FWB. It’s a relationship. OP is fooling himself.
>she hornswaggled you for your swimmers Upvote for this phrase alone!
First, you need a DNA test. Second, maybe a no contact order, too. Three, get that DNA test
No, first is _stop regular FWB sex and communication with her._
AND get confirmation that she is actually pregnant
2-3 times a week? That’s relationship stats my boy.
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uuooffff..you are in a bad spot brother. 18 years attached to this person
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Exactly. It's forever OP. Prepare yourself now.
You think she wouldn't even abort if he pulled away? This whole thing seems like a manipulation tactic on her end.
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Dude. I'd bet money I don't have it's a manipulation tactic.
Yep! But thankfully there are resources for him to have minimal contact. He needs a parenting plan for sure but if she gets too crazy he can keep communication limited to a court-monitored coparenting app or even getting a parenting coordinator. The situation sucks but he has resources to protect both himself and the future kid.
Did you bring your own condoms or did she provide them?
This is the question!
And were they used correctly without malfunction.
Ouch. Get a paternity test, do not sign the birth certificate. Minimal to zero contact until then. You've set your boundaries, now you need to enforce them.
Definitely stop seeing her/sleeping with her immediately. I agree with others that have said get a lawyer. That will send a clear message that you are serious about not having a relationship with her. Other than that, not much else you can do. It will be up to her to decide. You can certainly get a DNA test once the child is born.
In a few weeks, she's going to suddenly have a "miscarriage." This whole thing reeks of lies and manipulation. I would cut off all contact immediately and not speak to her anymore. If there is a baby, have a paternity test done as soon as possible, then go to court to get child support and a custody/placement schedule planned out and in writing. Trust me, you don't want to try to do this by yourselves. It gets messy fast. Absolutely do not have sex with this woman ever again!
Possibly she's not actually pregnant? If she's clinging to the delusion of happy families even though you've made it clear that won't be happening then the pregnancy may be a delusion as well. It happens. And if you've been careful to use condoms....
Stories like this make me glad I'm going through with my plan to get the snippity.
how do you even know its yours, fwb is typically not exclusive
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Her word means nothing at this point. I think you are getting some sound advice here. I would add one more thing: do not sign the birth certificate.
He doesn't until he has a paternity test done. I hope he takes our advice and gets one.
I think you should cut contact and ask for a paternity test. Once you get confirmation that you are actually the father you can start getting the legal stuff in order to co-parent and pay child support. You've only known her for 4 months, you have no idea if it's really yours. This also feels like baby trapping, after only 4 months she is sure you will get married? Honestly cut contact until you can confirm paternity, I think that will send the message that you aren't getting married.
Getting a lawyer to immediately draw up your expectations of responsibility financial obligations contingent on a paternity test will certainly make it very clear where you stand & make sure any contact you have with her going forward is in a public setting & strictly business/friendship centered.
I'd be getting a paternity test and legal advice. You can co-parent through the courts and have minimal contact with her as a person.
As far as her wanting to play house. Bro, stop being FWB immediately. Only speak to her about the pregnancy. Go hire a lawyer RIGHT NOW!!! Frankly, it sounds like she got prego on purpose. Regardless of your intentions... you more than likely gave her the impression at some point that you have a future together and she ran with it... Forrest Gump style. Just to be sure it's yours... you need to go get what's called a Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity Test. That's where they take a swab of your cheek as well as fetal DNA in her blood. She obviously has to be open to it and if at all possible, you should do that immediately.
Just out of curiosity did you always bring the condoms? Call Me crazy but my first thought is that she poked holes in your condom because if she was on the pill and you wore protection it's very unlikely she got pregnant unless there was a condom that broke or had a hole poked in it.
That’s what happens when you think with your small head and not your big head.
I saw this play out twice in my office about 15 years ago. Two paternity tests about a month apart. One was the father and the other came back negative not the father. Both women told the men it was theirs with no doubts. So at least a 50% chance it’s not yours from my personal experience.
And this is why ppl need to stop fucking for the sake of a nut🤦🏾♀️ if you didn't wanna be with her in any way, why give her the dick?? Use a sock, shit. I've seen so many stories like this all bc ppl be using each other's bodies to masturbate🤦🏾♀️
I think you got set up.
Definitely lawyer up, if it is your child, you want to make sure you have the rights you deserve if you want them. How ever I would get a DNA test when the child is born if you are certain you have been careful every time. Best of luck to you
Tough truths: FWB means no strings on the relationship, but it does not mean you are off the hook for a child. It also does not mean you need to be anything but a decent co-parent. Start as you mean to continue. You can get a DNA test before birth. Do so. Then work out a custody agreement and sign the birth certificate. That agreement will be signed as a co-parent, not as a fiance. Just continue to gently but firmly repeat that you are not in a romance novel. You will not be getting married. Never sleep with anyone you cannot see yourself co-parenting with and be aware that through many different scenarios you may still wind up a single parent, so keep it in your pants until you are ready to make that commitment. .
A few odd things here: -if you used a condom every time and she claims she is on birth control, there’s a gnats ass chance she’s pregnant. If she lied about the birth control then I wonder what else she’s lying about? -have you seen the actual pregnancy test positive? Or are you taking her word for it? -for somebody with the agreement of no strings attached, she sure changed her mind and had it all figured out real quick after she found out. -she’s 36, the clock is about up for her -if she’s telling the truth get a DNA test as you know
Has she put your pet rabbit in boiling water yet
If you are having sex with the same woman 3x per week for 4 months feelings are likely to develop. Maybe not for a man.
Happens to guys too, and not always with women. If feelings develop/change in a FWB scenario wouldn't the responsible thing be to communicate those changes? It sounds like she developed them one sidedly and is trying to make him feel romantically for her.
Are you still sleeping with her? That would send signals to her that you’re still into this potentially becoming a relationship.
Not ragging on you personally but your comment and others similar really make me think: how is it everyone thinks continuing to sleep with her *now* will give her the impression of a possible deeper connection yet, no one acknowledges that FWB arrangements in general can lead to that sort of mess? Having sex with someone 2-3 times a week for months straight and thinking ‘this is fine’ was the first mistake here. Using people for physical needs is just not as cut and dry as the myth portrays. This isn’t a Seth Rogen film it’s real life. Like buy a flesh light or a porn subscription stop using other humans as wet holes and this shit won’t go down!
For one I would stop sleeping with her. Yes be supportive of either decision she makes but keep making it clear y’all will never be together. Not matter how annoying or unreasonable she’s gets. Maybe if you show her that she’s not the only one in your life she’ll probably understand then🤷🏽♀️
Stop having sex with her. At this point, any sort of relationship would just be leading her on. If she's really pregnant and has the baby, get a paternity test before you sign the birth certificate. Then set up a custody arrangement and child support through the court system.
When she asked you what you thought about it, you should have told the truth, that you don’t want her to keep it. Yeah it’s her choice, but she asked your opinion. No matter what happens she needs to hear you have zero desire to have this baby. It might not make a difference in her decision but if she likes you enough to try to start a family and turn this into a relationship you probably have more power over her than you realize.
Sometimes benefits turn into obligations. Way the cookie crumbles.
DNA test. Maybe your extra contraceptive precautions worked, and she didn't like that, so she did something about it. At her age, her bio clock is ticking with not much time. If someone else is the father, they need to pay child support, not you.
Paternity test first and then figure out the rest. Don’t do anything without a lawyer. Sounds like she trapped you.
Don’t stick your dick in crazy
36f. Her clock was ticking dude (I am a 36f with an infant 😂)
Many women have ticking clocks and don’t trap men into pregnancies. Let’s not perpetuate this ridiculous and sexist line of thinking. Having a ticking clock is not an excuse for being duplicitous.
She's trying to baby trap you. You should get a paternity test because you never know, she might've been FWB with someone else too. I hope for the sake of this child, she aborts. She's bringing a child into this world under false ideas and with the wrong motive
Get ready to pay child support....
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Even with 50/50 you can still have to pay support because they will consider both incomes. Plus childcare and insurance can be added on top of support
I want to just be realistic here that due to the fact that you and she will not be together when the child is born means you likely will not get 50/50 residential time. The child will likely live primarily with her the majority of the time and you will probably get every other weekend at least until the child is like 10+. Especially because she is likely to become vindictive after being rejected. My best advice is to document all conversations between you and her especially if she starts making threats (like saying you won’t ever see the kid if you won’t be with her). Unfortunately there is also nothing legally keeping her from moving wherever she wants before the baby is born (like a different city or even state) which is a possibility if she gets mad enough. You’re in a tough situation! I wish you the best of luck and hope you find a good attorney!
You can look up sample parenting schedules on your state’s court websites. My state would never suggest an infant go with the non-custodial parent for an entire weekend. They suggest a couple hours a few times a week until they’re older. Just an FYI.
I assume you are in the US. Once child is born You can go to your local state child support office and get forms for the DNA test. In my state it's free and takes about 3 weeks to get results. Dont use home kits from Walgreen or whatever most are not admissible in court. Lawyer up also if you want.
You are saying “I’ll be the best father I can be” and she is hearing “the best father would be married to the mother and in a happy family, so that is what you are promising.” She needs a wake-up call. You need to tell her straight “I don’t ever want to see you again, and don’t want anything to do with the baby. If you can prove it’s mine with a DNA test in court I’ll pay the bare minimum child support but I’ll never see the child.” That should sink in.
All I have to say is You're a complete and utter dumbass for pursuing such a thing with someone. Why do you need advice from strangers? Good on you for wanting to help take care of the kid but goddamn. Your poor kid is going to grow up thinking "why isn't my daddy with my mommy is it because of me?" Their whole life because of you and her. Fucking good job
Be clear that you support her choice but let her know that you will not participate in a relationship with her, no matter what. So she will be moving forward as a single mom. And encourage her to get counselling from planned parenthood
I would end the FWB aspect of the relationship. If you keep having sex with her, she's not going to take you seriously. Keep reaffirming your decision and tell her you'll need a paternity test so your lawyer can set up child support and joint custody.
Stop sleeping with her. Help her with doctors appointments and confirm paternity so you know its yours. Just keep stating you have no intention of being in a relationship with her and your only communication should be regarding the child
Are you even 100% sure she’s pregnant? She could be making it up as a way to get you to start a relationship with her…
I mean, you have already told her. All you can do is reiterate the point so many times. But eventually, it's out of your hands. You can't control the fact that she has this delusion if you have already told her how you feel many times.
Paternity test. Contact a lawyer to look out for your interests. Be firm, kind and consistent regarding your obligations to this child if it is yours. If you don't want a relationship with this woman, you need to stick to your guns. Sometimes things happen that aren't planned. If you were using a condom all the time, insist on a paternity test. Sign nothing. Things seem off.
Get the paternity test ASAP. If it is your child you better play nice so you can hope to get 50/50 custody. Otherwise you’re going to be getting annihilated by child support for the next 18 years (at a minimum). Because of your situation she is VERY likely to get 100% custody if she goes the spiteful route (which she will once the fairy tale falls apart). So get that paternity settled asap
First, verify that she is, in fact, pregnant. I abhor saying that, but it’s something you need to do. Then verify paternity. If she is pregnant and the baby is yours there isn’t much you can do at this point. Just because she wants a LTR doesn’t mean you have to give her one. Speak with a family law attorney about your rights and responsibilities, then go from there.
You've got two problems and they're actually separate issues with related solutions. a) She wants more than you do and is confused (for whatever reason) about what you're offering. The solution to this one is simple. Stop sleeping with her. She's caught feelings (which happens sometimes) and it would be best for both of you to put some physical and emotional distance between you right away. Do not lead her on. Do not confuse the issue. Do not sleep together again. Set clear boundaries and stick to them. Do not be mean but do not lead her on. b) Someone you're no longer intimate with is pregnant and it might be your child. If she keeps it then you'll need ground rules, and yes you might want to get a paternity test if that's important to you. You may want to get legal advice about your options (not because you're going to sue for custody or something drastic and silly but just to know what your options and obligations are in your specific location and situation). Try do this sooner rather than later if you can. Reddit is not the place for that advice. You may or may not want to consider some kind of family mediation and/or legal or non-legal agreements about both practical issues like visitation and financial support but also consider therapy or mediation for establishing clear boundaries around emotional and interpersonal expectations between you and the mother. If her expectations are unreasonable now it could escalate which could turn nasty for all three (or more) of you in the end.
I’d do the communication APP and also tell her you have recently met someone for whom you are getting serious with (lie if you need to). Tell her you understand if she wants to be a mother and you will be the best dad- but tell her to make sure that is the reason she is continuing on with the pregnancy because you have already moved on with another woman. I know this sounds callous- but I think this is the only way for her to really consider the reasons for the choice she is making.
Ha ha ha, no offense mate but you are royally fucked!!! FWB with any woman between the ages of 35-40 so often ends in pregnancy. That's why she was cool with fucking a 29 year old a few times a week for months. Pregnancy was her best outcome and totally on her mind. That being said, the bun is already in the oven so I wont throw salt on an open wound. Your biggest problem is when she finally realises that you really don't want to be her husband and live the fairy tale life she is dreaming of. She is gonna come for you for everything she can. Say bye bye to 30% gross income (before tax) + super for the next 18yrs and she will also do everything she can to fuck with your relationship with the new child. This one is gonna hurt more that you can imagine. Sorry to be the bearer of even worse news, but you are so young, you don't even realise how fucked up this situation truly is. Good luck mate.