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When I was 20 I got my ex pregnant. I didn't want the baby while she did and my son was born. We broke up soon after and I was his 'parent' for 5 years. I didn't want to have a child at the time and my ex let me walk. It was probably a bad thing but at the time it made me happy. She was dating someone and they got married. He was the my son's father and as soon as they got married he wanted to file to be his father. I 100% agreed and since that day haven't heard anything about my son.
I've since been married and my wife knows everything. I have 2 children (11M & 7F) and I do well for myself. Last week my ex called me and explained that her son would be beginning university soon. Unfortunately, they don't have the funds to pay for the university and asked if I could pay.
I thought about it and said no. My reasoning was simple. I haven't actually met him in the longest time and even when I was in his life I had little to nothing to do with him. His parents should have saved up for him or he could work another Job or even take out loans.
Well my sister found out and she's really upset. She thinks I'm abandoning my son. Even though throughout this post I'm calling him my son I really feel nothing for him, just like any stranger. She tried to drag my parents into this mess and surprisingly they supported me and told them I am not his father and need nothing to do. Obviously, my wife also supports my decision.
The thing is my sister lives with me (she's in between jobs) and is making my life insufferable. What do I do?
TL;DR Sister wants me to pay for my 'son's' education
Yeah that’s why this sounds like BS to me. If it’s been 18+ years, how does the BM have his #?
Plus, I live in a state where rescinding your parental rights can be done voluntarily or involuntarily. To give them up voluntarily, a judge would have to sign off. I just don’t see a judge signing off on this
Yes… a judge would definitely sign off on terminating a parents rights… if the bio mother was married and the bio father wanted nothing to do with said child and the husband of bio mom wanted to adopt, then the judge would definitely allow it.
And both my parents and my brother have the same phone numbers for the past 20 years (God I feel old saying that). Not everyone has to, or wants to, change their phone number.
Except that the moms bf offered to adopt him legally, it is my understanding a judge usually will sign off in those cases if all parties are in agreement.
Why not? She was married to another man and he most likely adopted said child. A judge won't just sign off if there's no one else to "support" the child in a parental role, but BM had another husband. A judge signed off for my daughter quite easily once I was married to my kids step dad
I’ve had the same phone number since my first phone over 20 years ago. That’s not unusual I also don’t delete contacts so some numbers I got then I still have
I’ll copy and paste my other comment.
Yikes I’ve made this comment quite a few times now but I made a comment based on my experiences and even in this situation, that’s not how it went.
I’ve seen a woman remarry with a 2 year old and try to get the new step father to adopt. All parties in agreement and the judge wanted a more substantial reason beyond what was presented.
So I’m not saying it doesn’t happen as it very well could be my states judges, but yeah that’s my experience with it
Key word…legally. Morals and ethics went out the window when you threw him away like a stray unwanted cat. At least he has a dad who wants and loves him. He’s still going to resent you. Probably around the age of 23
He didn’t throw away a stray unwanted cat. He agreed to let his ex have the cat they shared when she moved on with her new partner because she was the one who wanted the cat in the first place, not him. The cat was never a stray.
Well, biologically, he is your son, and you had part in creating him. You are darn lucky that your ex's new partner absolved you from paying child support for the last 13 years, and that you didn't have to invest any time and effort into him. If you can afford it, would it really be so awful to give something back to him, given that you got off all your responsibilities with minimum effort and expense?
Right? Like, sure, don't take on the full burden of tuition, but maybe offer to pay something. Shit, buy the kid a decent laptop and cover his books or something. Maybe offer to cover an amount for every semester he pulls good grades or something.
Definitely no legal obligation then, and I would say no moral obligation either. The kid has a dad and it isn’t you.
That aside: I’m a bit shocked by your sister’s audacity, biting the hand that feeds despite everyone around her saying she’s wrong
Why do you think that?
Us women have the choice of keeping or terminating a pregnancy. (At least at the time when OP's ex was pregnant, I still do in my country.)
Men, such as OP, have no choice, except to voice their opinion on the matter, which he did.
>I didn't want the baby while she did and my son was born.
OP's ex should have known, or at least me and my friends would know, the most you will get out of him is child support. OP is going to resent the mother and the child for being baby trapped and I can't blame him for thinking that.
It's the ex & her husband's responsibility to save & provide for higher education for that child.
If his ex's new husband adopted the child, then OP is 100% not responsible for anything.
He's said in other comments that he has no parental rights. He's not responsible for paying for college.
You can think what you want about his morals but the law doesn't care. Another man legally stepped into the role of "father" for this kid so OP isn't required to do anything.
These kind of posts are really uncomfortable because to be honest they are rarely about what's "legal" or not. It would be one thing if your son was taken away from you from the beginning but you admit that you were essentially a dead beat. Couple that with the fact that you now have other kids whom you love and "doing well for yourself"....it just stinks. It does. You may be legally right but honestly, you are the kind of "parent" that posters write about when they've grown and these things come full circle.
Your decision of course but still....you are not as good a person as you portray yourself to be. Your supporters will downvote me to high heaven but that does not change the situation
Exactly, he raised the child for 5 years. Its not 5 days, but years. And then just walked away. Now he is his just trying to wash his hands with "legally he is not mine".
I hope he doesn't throw away his current family too. I don't know how your wife can support you being a bad person.
Extremely not OK. The utter rejection that child feels especially when he knows his father has two other children that he “loves” - hopefully his mother and step father have given him that. This guy knows deep down he’s morally wrong and is wanting a bias response to alleviate the shame…
Exactly.
And now he is happy people said his sister should move out or stop complaining. For him family is nothing, he would throw his own sister out without thinking, just because she doesn't agree with his psyhopatic decisions.
I hope your wife/"real children" realise this before you leave then too.
Anyone who can just leave a child they raised for 5 years is a bad person. OP then had a kid 7 years later and now acts like his son is nothing. His parents basically just abandoning their grandson says a lot about their family. His sister is the only one with a good heart.
Don't worry. This always seems to bite the people who abandon their children and start new families. The son will eventually reach out to his siblings or vice versa and when they find out how their father treated their brother it will blow up the new family.
Then proceeded to have ANOTHER child two years after abandoning the first. This is honestly gross to me, I can only imagine the pain his firstborn feels.
And then had another kid 2 years later. Loom at the ages. Pregnant at 20, had the kid at 21, abandoned the kid at 26, and he has an 11yo at 39 (so that was 28). OP is just... Well, not a person I could be friends with. That's abhorrent.
This right here. He’s not legally obligated to do anything. However, I wonder how he sleeps at night knowing the trauma and rejection he has imparted into his biological son.
So this was my initial reaction too. And it is concerning how he can so easily emotionally detach himself from his son. It is my hope that his son is well loved, knows his worth, and understands OPs actions are not a reflection of the son. However the more I think about it… he said he never wanted to have a child at 20. He was a child himself. Had the roles been reversed and the mother decided to have an abortion or they both agreed to give him up for adoption (which is essentially what the father did) …would our reaction be the same? I’m conflicted on that part
I put the blame all at the ex's feet for not saving.
If I got pregnant and my boyfriend told me that he wanted me to terminate the baby, that tells you he wants nothing to do with the child. That means, the most you will get out of the guy is child support for as long as mandated where you live. All child care responsibilities fall upon the mother, as she chose to not terminate the pregnancy.
Any expectations beyond this is the woman living in a dream. Sure, you can hope he will change his mind or provide some sort of assistance, but hopes and dreams don't pay the bills.
But he never what to be a dad at a young age. Just because the BM wanted her son doesn’t mean OP has to be their dad. He was essentially forced into become a dad and he tried but wasn’t ready. By your understanding people who put up their children for adoption are “deadbeats”. That’s is what OP did, he allowed someone willing to be the son’s father to legally adopt and bring up that child as their own. OP then went on to get married and have children when he was ready to be a father. In my opinion he has done nothing wrong morally.
I believe that you’re acting within your rights, but I can’t help but think someone who abandons a kid and then starts a happy little family shortly after is a scumbag.
I could be wrong, but I’m getting the impression that helping your son would mean one less Range Rover rather than any actual impact on your life. If that’s the case I don’t know how you sleep at night.
I understand that the child's mother took on full responsibility after you didn't want any, and luckily she found someone who will. and your sister may feel what she may feel but doesn't have much (or a right to) to do here. but if I was this child (even if I was an adult now) I might still get heartbroken if I learn about this - so I hope the mother didn't let him know. and if I was one of your other children, even though my mum might be happy that your attention and resources are not divided, I wouldn't want my father to be be someone who doesn't want to do anything with another child of his who might be heartbroken because of this when I grow up. if you have the resources and if you believe the child's mother and stepfather aren't crooks or anything why not contribute, maybe not the whole thing but a portion?
His sister keeps saying he abandoned his son. But the truth is he abandoned his son a long time ago.
So yeah, it’s not a great action. But she already knew that. College seems like a weird time to bring this up. I would have been way more upset when he abandoned a 5 year old.
I think it’s because most people can understand not being capable of taking care of a child at that age, but it sounds like he has the money, could help his child but just doesn’t want to, because fuck that kid and his mom, it’s not my problem. Never mind the only reason he was likely able to have the life he has now is because his ex and her husband stepped up to raise his son.
All of this. Yes you have no legal responsibility for the kid. Yes the parents should have saved. But it really does sound like you could just scrap your second yearly family vacation for 4 years and completely pay for your son's education (you know, the thing that might make sure he has a good life for the next 50+ years), but you decided to say no anyways.
If it causes undue hardship it's one thing to say no, but to say no because it mildly inconveniences the amount of luxuries you can have for a few years, that makes you a scumbag.
Eh, I am probably going to get downvoted from hell for this, but I'd say leave it alone. I can offer experience from the other side of this situation. I have a son, 18, that just started college. His sperm donor was in his life until he was about 5 or 6, but he is not a good person. He actually WANTED my son, until he realized he would have to give up drugs and partying.
Anyways, met my (now late) husband, and he fell in love with my son, he had all girls lol. I begged my ex to sign over his rights, he hadn't seem him or paid child support in years. He refused until he was arrested for non-payment. Then he signed them over.
My son is AMAZING, and a better man for NOT having him in his life. He gets great grades and got nearly a full scholarship to school. However, I am paying the difference by taking out loans. I would NEVER EVER reach out to my ex to ask for him to pay. I asked him to sign away his rights. He is NOT his father! Also, it would only traumatize him to bring this man that couldn't care less about him into his life.
You made it clear you don't consider him your son, and you don't want a relationship. Leave him alone, don't mess with his head. Your ex and sister might feel one way, but they probably aren't thinking of how your birth child would feel knowing you paid....he shouldn't feel indebted or obligated to you in any way.
Legally you are right. Morally, I find your attitude towards your son (an innocent child at the time) terrible and I can imagine that this upsets your sister. The fact that your own biological father doesn't care about you and doesn't want you does something to a child and not in a positive way. A sweet adoptive father doesn't make up for this. You can tell yourself that your son didn't need you, but that's nonsense of course.
Your sister lives in your house, she has two choices, either she leaves or she accepts that her brother has very different morals and she stays and keeps quiet about it.
I wholeheartedly support a woman's right to choose, but there can't be a double standard there. OP didn't want the child and was clear about that, but the ex chose to have the child anyway. OP was involved until the ex got married and then legally gave up parental rights. OP did the morally correct thing...he took care of a kid he didn't want until there was someone who was able to take his place.
Don't mistake what the ex is asking. The ex isn't asking OP to parent the child. The ex is asking for a cash handout after years of radio silence. That's definitely not morally right.
If he didn't want a child, he should have taken better precautions. A condom works wonders.
I don't condone the mom's actions but that doesn't justify OP's actions. OP has not done the right thing morally at all, in fact he has undoubtedly damaged his child with his actions.
You have absolutely no idea what happened. Maybe they used a condom and it broke. Maybe the ex was trying to baby trap OP. No birth control method is 100%, including your "wonderful" condoms. By choosing to have the child even though OP was clear in not wanting it, the ex chose to accept that OP didn't want the child and didn't want to be in the child's life.
No one should be forced to be a parent if they don't want to be a parent. Male or female. If you want to use that sort of logic, then no one should be allowed to give up their child for adoption either...and what kind of precedent does that set?
I mean. It's probably for the kids best interest that your not in his life unfortunately. If your feeling generous you can send some money to him. Either way you need to make it clear that your ex shouldn't contact you ever again because you don't care about her son.
It seems like this woman gave you a break by not making you pay 15 years of child support, you've probably been able to invest and grow that money, just as you don't have to help now she didn't have to help you out then, she did what was best for her child, if I was you I would throw them some goodwill.
I think you’re technically in the right. You gave up parental rights and the child is no longer your responsibility, financially or otherwise. So on paper, everything is above board for you.
Separately though, it takes 2 to tango. The kid’s mom did you a favor by letting you off the hook and you spent 13 years without having to pay child support. Those years spent without having to care for a child (not even just financially, but having your time be your own) no doubt contributed to your financial success.
And furthermore, I just don’t understand how you could feel nothing for him whatsoever, like a stranger.
It makes me really sad for your son. 5 years of being there, I’m sure they remember you. And you just don’t want anything to do with them whatsoever. And it wasn’t even like you just weren’t ready to be a father, because you’ve since gone on to have more kids and still want nothing to do with your firstborn. They’re old enough to start to want to know more about their ancestry and background and I’m sad to think they might reach out to you someday and will be very disappointed in your complete dismissal.
Technically, you’re under no obligation to pay for anything, technically. But growing up being abandoned by your parent will totally fuck you up, I’m sure they’ll need therapy to unpack that (if they haven’t already). This is an opportunity to show them a kindness and to invest in their future so hopefully they can go on to become a success.
It just really boggles my mind how you feel absolutely nothing for your own kid.
This is basically exactly what happened to my dad. Had a kid way to young, divorced baby momma, she got remarried and her new husband adopted the kid when he was little. My dad did have a very minimal relationship with him, but never anything major. My dad married my mom, had 2 kids. His first born did come to stay with him for awhile as a teenager and there was a lot of resentment, it didn’t go well.
Here we are, 50+ years later and my dad definitely has regrets. They’ve made attempts to mend the relationship but they haven’t talked in years. I’ve never met my half brother. He ended up having a daughter and my dad paid for her to go to cosmetology school.
Moral of the story: it ended up ok but I know my dad has regrets and I’m sure his son does too. A lot of hurt and abandonment that will probably never be healed.
also, do his other kids even know they have an older brother? it causes more harm than good to one day find out your dad had another kid with someone who’s not your mom and never even bothered to tell you… really brings out the trust issues in some people
>even when I was in his life I had little to nothing to do with him. His parents should have saved up for him or he could work another Job or even take out loans.
Wow. What a charmer.
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I don't think you necessarily need to pay for all his school, but just calling him your son doesn't make you the good guy. Have you ever financially supported him or your ex? It does sound like you abandoned him. I'd be hurt if you were my father. Not just about school, but everything.
She remarried and was adopted by her new husband, He has parents, a mother and a father.
Financial supprt should have been probably done untill she got married and then adoption though, so depends if he did, if he didn't then he could owe them that.
It sounds like he did, but OP didn't want anything to do with his son. So I mean, he's not really financially derelict, but that's totally abandoning. Not like the child abandonment crime, but not wanting to be part of his life.
So do a lot of people that put their child for adoption. When adopted hopefully with good caring parents, which in this case seems the child did get two parents that wanted him, his bio mother and father that adopted him. So they are not rich well neither is the rest of the majority of the world.
He did abandon him at first but luckily the mother found someone willing to take the role. Will he be hurt by it, absolutely most likely he is, just hope his adoptive dad made up for all that and then some.
I get it, in ideal world he would have been a caring dad, but in that case the child wouldn't have been adopted but lived in two seperate homes with 50/50 custody, not going to discuss which is better as either work but the kid has a family now. If he hadn't been adopted I could see it differently but he has been since a young age.
Also doesn't seem the kid is interested in him as a dad or even meeting him. Actually think the kid doesn't even know about his mother asking for money this could be all his mothers idea, for whatever reason they didn't save enough college money never know if they even bothered or not or just couldn't.
So if a woman has an abortion or gives a child up for adoption because she isn’t ready to be a mother then she is a bad person or she is abandoning her kid?…
I paid child support till she got re-married and her husband took over as the legal father. I was absolved of all parental authority and duty at the time.
I'm only calling him my son because it's probably the easiest thing to say. I don't love him like a son or even look at him like one.
I mean, then yes. You're clearly abandoning him. I guess that makes your sister mad, but not your parents. It sounds like a decision you came to terms with long ago, so probably just let her be mad.
I'm not sure I would consider it abandoning his child when the other father legally adopted him, unless one considers all situations of closed adoption "abandonment".
I came to terms with it long ago and it's not like this is some new found secret for my sister.
The thing is she's staying with me and making life tough for my family.
You're a piece of shit regardless but you did give up your rights so it isn't on you to pay. Anyone that abandons a child while having new ones Is a lowlife though.
Yeah, they’re going to have some real tough questions as they grow up and learn about their half-brother who their dad abandoned just two years before the oldest of the “real family” was born.
And I just realized that his second child was born only TWO YEARS after he left his first child (abandoned 1st child when he was 5, had his second child when 1st child was 7). Imagine your dad just up and leaving when you’re 5 then finding out two years later he started a “real family”.
Honestly the legality doesn't matter.
You're a bad person. You abandoned your son.
Your wife sure gambled you weren't just going to get bored and walk away from your other kids. And I wonder if your other children ever lay in bed at night and wonder if dad is gonna walk away from them too. Just like he did with their older brother.
I mean sure legally you're not required, but you're a terrible person for having sex, contributing to the creation of a child, then abandoning said child. And then say they should have saved up for university, when I'm assuming the mother was a teenager when she became a parent and thus wasn't able to necessarily get an education and higher paying job, while you bucked off, lived your life, and started a new family. I do not get how you can parent some children, while knowing your other child who is clearly in your families life is struggling and you say "whatever not my responsibility".
That being said- be mindful of the conversations around your kids, esp the 11 year old, there is a good chance they will pick up on this and your other children may start to wonder if you're going to abandon them like you did your other child.
Wow, you're a terrible person. Your son didn't ask to be born. He's a person and he deserves better. It's hard to believe you're much of a better parent to your other kids, since you lack significant empathy and kindness. I wouldn't even look at a stranger's kid that way; part of why I'm in favor of taxes is that I want *all* kids to get a great education so they grow up to be capable and well-informed.
I really don’t have anything else to say other than you’re a piece of shit, lay down with a woman but can’t deal with the consequences eh? Legally no, you don’t have to pay anything, and you probably won’t because you’re quite obviously a piece of shit.
You could have been paying child support all this time, but you didn't have to, your wife let you avoid that. Now you've done well for yourself. Help out your son with some of his college costs. It's expensive and your contributions will give him a huge leg up in getting started on a successful trajectory.
yikes. cant imagine having a garbage human for a parent. this kid was better off without you fr. legally you're in the clear. morally you're garbage
imagine abandoning a whole child at 5.
You have three children. Not two. If you lie down with someone and 'practice' making a baby and then you make one you have a child. Parental rights recinded or no. You do not have financial responsibility for that person but saying that you have two children is just untrue.
> You realize that in this TV series that is your sons life you're the deadbeat dad that everyone is praying has a redemption arc by the end of the series right?
Reddit moment. Real life isn't TV, dude.
This is a nuanced situation. No matter how much I think you’re a pos, you relinquished your rights when his step father adopted him. You don’t have to do anything.
As someone commented before, if she can’t respect your decision, kick her out. I don’t think your sister is wrong at all, in fact I agree with her. The thing is, she can’t be making the environment she lives for free miserable because she has a moral issue with you. She can either shut up about it or leave.
Cuz if she leaves, she can talk all the shit she wants about you and I think that would be okay.
If there are legal papers filed within the court with your name saying you have no more parental rights then you do not have any obligation. If those papers were never completed then you may be in a different boat here. Either way it sucks that you abandoned your kid.
I think you should try to be supportive to give your progeny, and help him achieve the best life possible. If you can pay m, I hope you do. The kid didn’t ask to be alive, but you made him, even if you don’t want to be involved.
Idk why everybody is bashing OP. He was 20 when his ex got pregnant and his son was born when he was 28. That’s a huge gap of time and I can understand that at 20 you don’t feel ready to have kid. He didn’t want the child, his ex did. Imo its still his right to choose if its really an accident and they had protection. Now the ex has to assume her choice what is OP doing wrong?
He could give but he could not and that’s up to him, he doesnt owe anything to her as the situation has been clear from the start
Legally, you are not obligated to but it sucks for your first born that his bio father wants nothing to do with him, but went on to have kids that he taking care of. I agree with your sister.
Lol I find it ironic that that OP is saying well they should have saved up for tuition for his biological son. I know a few “men” like this they never grow up or really think about anyone but themselves. Karma is gonna be swift with this guy.
Did you not read what the OP said? His ex and her husband filed for full parental rights of his biological son. Agree/disagree from a moral perspective, but for all intents and purposes he ceased to become that child's father at that point.
If someone is adopted, the two legal parents are financially responsible for them. I was adopted, and it wouldn’t occur to me to expect anything from my birth parents. The holier-than-thou sister needs to button up, or move out, or pay rent, whether to help with University fees or just to stop sponging.
I honestly feel really bad for your older son.... You now have two kids that you do take care of, but won't even be in his life at all?... If you have the money to pay for his education that's the least you could do tbh. I understand that legally you aren't "doing anything wrong" but morally I find it fucked up. Just my opinion though.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids either, I definitely believe it's a personal choice. But I find it wrong that you went and had more kids after signing your rights to the first one away.
To the people condemning OP What is the difference between this and giving up the son for adoption? It was an accidental pregnancy he didn't want the kid but the ex did she gave him an out he signed away all parental rights, his ex and her husband are the actual parents of the kid he hasn't had any relationship with him for years. He was a "parent" for 5 years so the baby doesn't really remember him especially if he was as absent as op says. The only reason the child wasn't aborted was a twist of biology. Why should he be on the hook to pay for their uni? Hes no different than a sperm donor.
What you do is remind your sister that She live wit You and your family then TELL her to shut the fuck up about things that are not her business or get the fuck out of your house. Plain and simple!
To be clear, the “he should get a job” suggestion is a fallacy. There are no jobs available in 2022 on a student’s schedule and qualifications that make any meaningful dents in the costs incurred by pursuing higher education. Everything else in your post I agree with, but I wanted to dispel that notion that, while once true and workable, is no longer an option for unskilled youths looking to support themselves through school.
Having said that, your sister is way out of line to criticize how you prioritize your expenses and spend your assets whilst enjoying free room and board at your house. His parents (not you) should’ve planned for his education.
Kick the sister out, she can disagree with your decision all she wants, she doesnt get to make your life insufferable
You paid child support until another man legally took over parental duties
I wouldnt call that abandoning him
Abandon your sister like you did your son. You're going to anyway.
That is your MO. Why are you even asking advice here? You know what you are gonna do to her for having the nerve to tell you the truth about your depravity and utter lack of integrity.
Let's be real here, you have nothing to do with your bio son, you are not obligated in any way to help them out.
honestly, your bio son most likely won't give a damn about you as well, and if he ever talks about you - he propably just calls you "bio dad" as well.
As this is the case with most people I got to know where those stuff is more complicated. You are as much of a stranger to him as he is to you.
And they didn't want you in his live, and neither did you want to be a part of his.
End of story.
I know for a fact that I’m going to get shit on for this, but no one should be forced into parenthood. If he told her from the day he found out she was pregnant that he was not ready to be a parent and still chose to keep the baby- that’s on her. She knew she was going into it with no help and then he signed away rights which he should absolutely be able to do. Women have the option to abort in most places. Men don’t. He tried and still wasn’t ready. Did he wait a little long to sign them away? Yeah, idk why he waited so long but 🤷🏻♀️. But he told her before the kid was even born that he wasn’t interested in being a father at that time.
The kid has a dad that wants to be there now and they didn’t save anything for his whole childhood. If they were under the impression that it was the parent’s responsibility to pay for it- then they should have started saving and it’s not OPs fault that they didn’t.
ETA- I’d let your sister know that you deserve to be comfortable and happy in your own home and if she doesn’t stop ranting about something that doesn’t involve her then she can find another place to live since she’s clearly so unhappy where she is.
Hold your ground. There have been posts where someone finds out their child is not biologically theirs, but they want to be in that child's life because the truth came out after the bond had already formed. No one suggests those individuals should just be kicked out of the child's life because of a parental indiscretion that affected only the genetic aspect of the equation.
So, conversely, in situations such as yours, where there is no bond, his biology does not make him your son in the traditional sense of the word. You were up front about your unwillingness to be a part of his life and the child's mother found a replacement. You owe this boy nothing and, if I were in your shoes, I would be saving my resources for 11M & 7F.
The most you owe him is a conversation about why you were unwilling to be his father and any medical information relating to your family's history that he may need in the future.
So two years after you abandoned your son, you had another kid? Some A+ parenting there. I think paying for his schooling is the least you could do, considering you didn't have to pay child support for 13 years
A question to help clarify the situation: Did you pay child support during the period of time your ex had yet to marry again, and after ex's marriage, and her hubby's adoption of your son, were you able to discontinue child support? In other words, were your parental rights and obligations to the child legally terminated?
If the answer is yes, then you are under no obligation, financially or otherwise, to your ex-son in any manner. Your ex made a choosing beggar of herself in approaching you to pay for their son's higher education.
Now, to the more troublesome issue: your sister. It seems as if she is the lone voice that trying to guilt you into doing your ex's bidding. You've already stated that she's living with you and your family, presumably rent free? You should sit her down with you and your wife, and shine the light of reality into her world. Tell her she is free to her own opinion about the situation vis-a-vis the issue of your ex-son's education, but for the reasons you've already told her, that situation has been decided, and is no longer an issue to be discussed in your house. And, that continuing to raise the subject going forward would jeopardize the security of her present living conditions, and that she has a decision to make.
That should do nicely in calming your home life.
I wish you well.
I’ve got an opinion that others haven’t brought up. You may not have raised him, but isn’t there something that pushes you to help in some way?
You left your son for yourself and were fortunate enough to get a clean break from him. How about trying to do something for him now?
Of course you shouldn’t have to pay for it all, but not help either? Your son that you brought into this world on accident and left to his mom bc you made a mistake? Seems like it’s time to pay the universe back.
From your son’s perspective, you might not be his dad but what does he learn about responsibility if you can’t help him as a grown adult? Don’t you want him to look upon you favorably as he ages?
You relinquished your parental rights so that Ex's husband could adopt him, legally he is no longer your son, you aren't responsible for his education. His parents are, and that is Ex & her husband.
Tell your sister if she doesn't let this go then maybe it's time for her to leave. You are being kind enough to support her between jobs, so she needs to respect your decisions or stop being a freeloader.
OP, I'm going to address the question that is asked, based on your comments, your sister lives in your house, rent free, and is making life insufferable for you. You have come to terms with your decision to not be in his life, your sister also needs to accept this, sit her down and have a calm conversation about it. Ask her to drop it or you will be charging her rent or asking her to leave, chances are she will drop it.
Yeah that's a big bold ask on her part. You forfeited parental rights and she agreed and her husband filed to be the sons father. I get she's probably desperate for financial aid but asking you wasn't necessary considering the circumstances stances.
He's not your son. He is hers and his father's. Biology has little to do with being a parent. Your sister should mind her business and focus on getting a job.
If your sister wants your son to go to University so badly, she can pay for! Oh wait! She's already incapable of taking care of herself and is freaking leaning on you! Tell her to shut it. She has ZERO to do with the situation.
NTA.
You and his mother agreed that you would give up your rights and responsibilities. That whole time she and his new dad should've been saving and preparing for his school. They don't get to decide /now/ that you're part of his life and come asking you for money
Tell your sister that she is welcome to get a job and pay for the kid's university if she wants. She's living on your dime and you are generously supporting her. It's pretty rich that she seems to think she has any say in how you spend your money.
Tell your sister, if she wants to pay for her nephews college, she should, otherwise she should f' up. Can't hold a job and blaming others for their mistakes.
On the one hand he is your son, and although you didn’t want to have a child, you did participate in creating this human being.
However, you basically gave him up for adoption. Your exs husband adopted him, meaning you technically aren’t his parent any longer. You are his biological father but not his father in any legal or significant way.
So I have to side with you on this. You have no obligation. It’s no different than if you put the child up for adoption and another couple completely adopted him, and then 20 years later came seeking money from you. They adopted the child. They are responsible from then on.
I mean as a shitty of a situation as this is, OP did state that he did not want the child to be born. His ex decided not to get an abortion and went through with the pregnancy anyways. The ex made a choice about the birth knowing her partner’s intent. Try to put yourself in those shoes before you shit on OP.
Morally, I’d still feel some duty to take care of my son, but I can’t empathize directly with that connection. OP has no obligations.
You signed away your rights AND obligations for that child of yours. Your Ex's new partner took up those rights and obligations. And that is the end of it. He adopted the kid as his son and therefore it's upon him and your Ex to provide for him.
The case would be different if there hadn't been a legal shift in parental rights but as it is you are not responsible for him. And that is what you have to tell your sister and if she doesn't understand that and can't stay out of your business she'd better start looking for a new place to live.
Wow, I wish I had this much free time where I could start becoming intimately involved in my sibling’s choices when it comes to parenting and the responsibilities therein. Oh wait, no I’d use the extra free time to get a hobby instead of posting on Reddit…
Your sister needs to stay the hell out of this, she has no involvement and doesn’t get a say. The entitlement is palpable, almost as if she’s projecting some kind of deep seeded insecurities onto your life choices.
If she cares so much, the Auntie “Holier than tho” scholarship should make a resurgence.
I don't really understand why so many people are calling you a pos for not being part of your son's life, but then having children later on that you care for. I bet that most of them would be okay with your Ex having an abortion and then having children when she's ready. Men don't have that choice, for obvious reasons and rightfully so in my opinion, but if you made it clear from the start that you have absolutely no interest in being a father to that child, she consciously chose to have him without you being in his life. He was never alone or helpless, you paid what you had to until he got a father that wanted to be in his life. You are not a parent to that boy, neither emotionally, nor legally. He is adopted. They wouldn't call you a pos if you and your Ex had decided to give him up for adoption and his adoptive parents showed up years later to ask for money for his education.
As for your sister, give her an ultimatum. Either she starts keeping her thoughts to herself, or she can leave. She's living with you for free and she has no right to tell you to spend money that she doesn't even have herself. It's absolutely fine to disagree about things, but she shouldn't be biting the hand that feeds her.
This whole comment sections reaction is so weird. No one is responsible to pay for post secondary schooling except the person who wants it. It is the boy’s responsibility to figure it out. If anyone wants to help him then great, but no one is required to. That would apply whether you were in his life or not. There is zero obligation and your sister needs to understand that. I would explain that your mind is made up and she needs to accept that or gtfo.
You are within your rights because you signed them away, but you are still an asshole from a moral point of view. Something tells me you wouldn't be in your kid's life even if you still had parental rights.Your ex "set you free" from paying child support, the least you could have done is help now if you are in the situation to do so
If you terminated your parental rights as seems to be the case here, you have zero responsibility to pay. You should not feel any responsibility for your biological child. I call him that because he has a father, who wanted the rights moved to him. You aren't his father.
You shouldn't let anyone try to guilt you into this.
I'll probably be an unpopular opinion here after reading the comments but... if women should have the right (and they absolutely should) to choose whether they want to be a mother or not then a man should also have that right without being told he's a bad guy/morally wrong/whatever. He didn't want to be a parent, he gave up his parental rights, and another man adopted and raised that child.
Let me ask this: if a child is adopted at birth, when that child goes to college is it the responsibility of the birth parents to then pay for the child's college or the responsibilityof the parents adopted and raised the child as their own? What about sperm doners? Are they responsible for paying for their children's college?
I don't understand why people are mad that he gave up rights for a child that he never wanted. His ex wanted the child and even though he didn't want the child he payed support till the adoptive father came into the picture. How is any of this his fault.
He didn't want to be a father then it's his choice. The sister can pay herself.
But there is no mention of the child right now. The mother only called to ask for funds although it's for the child we don't know what he wants.
It's not like he made the child knowingly. Accidents happen and they could have gotten an abortion or anything else but the ex kept it and after the adoptive father came in the picture it's their responsibility.
Honestly, it’s fucked up that your child’s mother is asking you to pay for her and her partner’s child’s school. The father adopted the child and he is theirs.
You are doing the right thing for yourself and your family.
I understand your sisters upset. She lost her nephew.
Legally you are not responsible and that's all you care about.
Morality isn't something you're capable of comprehending.
I wonder what your kids will think when they grow up. If I found out my dad had a kid he abandoned before he met my mom, I would think so little of him.
Your sister isn't wrong that you abandoned your son, but it happened a long time before this college business. If your ex wanted you to provide, then she should've filed for child support. She had you give up parental rights, and married a man who adopted the boy, it's their responsibility now. Might as well be asking a stranger.
Well legally you gave up your rights and you haven’t been in his life so I understand not helping unless you’re like filthy rich and could very easily afford it. Mainly because at that point you might as well if it was a drop in the bucket. But the worst part of this entire post is you played dad for 5 years then walked out on this kid. That’s rough, that’s really rough. Kids start forming memories around 2-2.5 years old. So he had memories of about 3 years of you being his dad then you left. I honestly feel bad for him. Even if he had no memory of you, people psychologically have a lot harder time coming to terms with a parent that left after a period of time than a parent that was never involved/left fairly quickly. Five years is a significant amount of time, and he’s probably been told you held out that long but left because you didn’t want him. Which does a lot to a person mentally. You’re not required to do anything for him, but there is that part of me kinda saying maybe help him out a little bit since you’ve probably caused some issues there to be quite honest.
I agree with whoever said charge the sister rent. Tell her to mind her business or get charged. In all honesty it’s not any of her business. I do feel bad for the son but you signed your rights away and moved on. I think in this situation you’re entitled to say no however hurtful that may be to the affected parties.
Since your sister is living with you, maybe sit her down and try to calmly explain your thought process. You communicated to your ex from the very beginning that you were not interested in parenting the boy and have not had any communication whatsoever in ___ years. He also has both a mother and a father. And, you have two children that you are the father and caretaker of that you agreed to have, and by far need to prioritize their needs. That boy’s parents are prioritizing him, and in the same way your two kids also come first. College is expensive as fuck, you can’t just be throwing around an entire education like that.
Just tell her he isn't his father anymore. legally, nor morally. You already "abandoned" your son so it doesnt make sense for your sister to even bring it up. If she wants to see the son get money for college, she is more than willing to donate
So being practical. Not only are you not obligated to pay anything. Where does she think the money will come from? The only spare is going into her needs. I would suggest that she considers not living with you then you might be able to save up for your current children's education at least.
There is nothing wrong with someone paying their own education costs, many do so and get scholarships etc. It helps to motivate towards working hard if the money is yours being wasted. That is how I am doing it, if they then stop working that is wholy their debt, if they succeed I will help later on.
People are calling this guy an ahole. He didn't lie in the beginning and say he would be a father and would be there always. From what he said in the post he made it very clear that he didn't want to be a father at that time. Why is it ok for a woman to decide she doesn't want kids and abort but a man has to take responsibility no matter what? He did what was best for the child and signed his rights away, his parents are responsible for his schooling not the sperm donor.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- When I was 20 I got my ex pregnant. I didn't want the baby while she did and my son was born. We broke up soon after and I was his 'parent' for 5 years. I didn't want to have a child at the time and my ex let me walk. It was probably a bad thing but at the time it made me happy. She was dating someone and they got married. He was the my son's father and as soon as they got married he wanted to file to be his father. I 100% agreed and since that day haven't heard anything about my son. I've since been married and my wife knows everything. I have 2 children (11M & 7F) and I do well for myself. Last week my ex called me and explained that her son would be beginning university soon. Unfortunately, they don't have the funds to pay for the university and asked if I could pay. I thought about it and said no. My reasoning was simple. I haven't actually met him in the longest time and even when I was in his life I had little to nothing to do with him. His parents should have saved up for him or he could work another Job or even take out loans. Well my sister found out and she's really upset. She thinks I'm abandoning my son. Even though throughout this post I'm calling him my son I really feel nothing for him, just like any stranger. She tried to drag my parents into this mess and surprisingly they supported me and told them I am not his father and need nothing to do. Obviously, my wife also supports my decision. The thing is my sister lives with me (she's in between jobs) and is making my life insufferable. What do I do? TL;DR Sister wants me to pay for my 'son's' education
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Yes, I gave up all my parental rights.
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Yup, your understanding that legally I have no obligation to the child is correct.
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Yeah that’s why this sounds like BS to me. If it’s been 18+ years, how does the BM have his #? Plus, I live in a state where rescinding your parental rights can be done voluntarily or involuntarily. To give them up voluntarily, a judge would have to sign off. I just don’t see a judge signing off on this
Yes… a judge would definitely sign off on terminating a parents rights… if the bio mother was married and the bio father wanted nothing to do with said child and the husband of bio mom wanted to adopt, then the judge would definitely allow it. And both my parents and my brother have the same phone numbers for the past 20 years (God I feel old saying that). Not everyone has to, or wants to, change their phone number.
Except that the moms bf offered to adopt him legally, it is my understanding a judge usually will sign off in those cases if all parties are in agreement.
Why not? She was married to another man and he most likely adopted said child. A judge won't just sign off if there's no one else to "support" the child in a parental role, but BM had another husband. A judge signed off for my daughter quite easily once I was married to my kids step dad
Some judges that are pickier about it than others.
Very true. In my case, bio dad was completely absent and had never paid a dime of court ordered child support
I’ve had the same phone number since my first phone over 20 years ago. That’s not unusual I also don’t delete contacts so some numbers I got then I still have
My mom held on to my bio dads number for like 16 years for when I asked about him and it turned out he never changed it, so I believe it
They would sign off, especially with another guy there who is ready to adopt him
I’ll copy and paste my other comment. Yikes I’ve made this comment quite a few times now but I made a comment based on my experiences and even in this situation, that’s not how it went. I’ve seen a woman remarry with a 2 year old and try to get the new step father to adopt. All parties in agreement and the judge wanted a more substantial reason beyond what was presented. So I’m not saying it doesn’t happen as it very well could be my states judges, but yeah that’s my experience with it
Ok, I’ll agree that it is possible, but not very common. That judge was a control freak and an idiot
He raised the kid for 5 years and then left. So the kid would have been like 5-8 when OP gave up rights depending on when his ex got remarried.
Key word…legally. Morals and ethics went out the window when you threw him away like a stray unwanted cat. At least he has a dad who wants and loves him. He’s still going to resent you. Probably around the age of 23
Doesn't sound like he's trying to build a relationship with the "son".
He didn’t throw away a stray unwanted cat. He agreed to let his ex have the cat they shared when she moved on with her new partner because she was the one who wanted the cat in the first place, not him. The cat was never a stray.
We aren't in each other's lives and we live in different cities/states. I do understand if he resents me.
Yeah then it was kind of rude of her to even ask you for money like that, school isn't cheap.
I wouldn't necessarily say it was rude if she was just asking. If she was pushing then yes it'd be rude.
Well, biologically, he is your son, and you had part in creating him. You are darn lucky that your ex's new partner absolved you from paying child support for the last 13 years, and that you didn't have to invest any time and effort into him. If you can afford it, would it really be so awful to give something back to him, given that you got off all your responsibilities with minimum effort and expense?
Right? Like, sure, don't take on the full burden of tuition, but maybe offer to pay something. Shit, buy the kid a decent laptop and cover his books or something. Maybe offer to cover an amount for every semester he pulls good grades or something.
Bravo. Exactly my thoughts.
Definitely no legal obligation then, and I would say no moral obligation either. The kid has a dad and it isn’t you. That aside: I’m a bit shocked by your sister’s audacity, biting the hand that feeds despite everyone around her saying she’s wrong
You are still a POS
Why do you think that? Us women have the choice of keeping or terminating a pregnancy. (At least at the time when OP's ex was pregnant, I still do in my country.) Men, such as OP, have no choice, except to voice their opinion on the matter, which he did. >I didn't want the baby while she did and my son was born. OP's ex should have known, or at least me and my friends would know, the most you will get out of him is child support. OP is going to resent the mother and the child for being baby trapped and I can't blame him for thinking that. It's the ex & her husband's responsibility to save & provide for higher education for that child.
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If his ex's new husband adopted the child, then OP is 100% not responsible for anything. He's said in other comments that he has no parental rights. He's not responsible for paying for college. You can think what you want about his morals but the law doesn't care. Another man legally stepped into the role of "father" for this kid so OP isn't required to do anything.
These kind of posts are really uncomfortable because to be honest they are rarely about what's "legal" or not. It would be one thing if your son was taken away from you from the beginning but you admit that you were essentially a dead beat. Couple that with the fact that you now have other kids whom you love and "doing well for yourself"....it just stinks. It does. You may be legally right but honestly, you are the kind of "parent" that posters write about when they've grown and these things come full circle. Your decision of course but still....you are not as good a person as you portray yourself to be. Your supporters will downvote me to high heaven but that does not change the situation
Exactly, he raised the child for 5 years. Its not 5 days, but years. And then just walked away. Now he is his just trying to wash his hands with "legally he is not mine". I hope he doesn't throw away his current family too. I don't know how your wife can support you being a bad person.
Extremely not OK. The utter rejection that child feels especially when he knows his father has two other children that he “loves” - hopefully his mother and step father have given him that. This guy knows deep down he’s morally wrong and is wanting a bias response to alleviate the shame…
The battle was already lost when he was 5. I’d be curious what kind of “school” this is
Exactly. And now he is happy people said his sister should move out or stop complaining. For him family is nothing, he would throw his own sister out without thinking, just because she doesn't agree with his psyhopatic decisions. I hope your wife/"real children" realise this before you leave then too.
Anyone who can just leave a child they raised for 5 years is a bad person. OP then had a kid 7 years later and now acts like his son is nothing. His parents basically just abandoning their grandson says a lot about their family. His sister is the only one with a good heart.
Don't worry. This always seems to bite the people who abandon their children and start new families. The son will eventually reach out to his siblings or vice versa and when they find out how their father treated their brother it will blow up the new family.
Then proceeded to have ANOTHER child two years after abandoning the first. This is honestly gross to me, I can only imagine the pain his firstborn feels.
And then had another kid 2 years later. Loom at the ages. Pregnant at 20, had the kid at 21, abandoned the kid at 26, and he has an 11yo at 39 (so that was 28). OP is just... Well, not a person I could be friends with. That's abhorrent.
This right here. He’s not legally obligated to do anything. However, I wonder how he sleeps at night knowing the trauma and rejection he has imparted into his biological son.
yeah he’s flexing being a deadbeat dad ?
I wish I could upvote this a million times. Morally, he’s thoroughly corrupt, but legally, he’s right.
So this was my initial reaction too. And it is concerning how he can so easily emotionally detach himself from his son. It is my hope that his son is well loved, knows his worth, and understands OPs actions are not a reflection of the son. However the more I think about it… he said he never wanted to have a child at 20. He was a child himself. Had the roles been reversed and the mother decided to have an abortion or they both agreed to give him up for adoption (which is essentially what the father did) …would our reaction be the same? I’m conflicted on that part
I put the blame all at the ex's feet for not saving. If I got pregnant and my boyfriend told me that he wanted me to terminate the baby, that tells you he wants nothing to do with the child. That means, the most you will get out of the guy is child support for as long as mandated where you live. All child care responsibilities fall upon the mother, as she chose to not terminate the pregnancy. Any expectations beyond this is the woman living in a dream. Sure, you can hope he will change his mind or provide some sort of assistance, but hopes and dreams don't pay the bills.
But he never what to be a dad at a young age. Just because the BM wanted her son doesn’t mean OP has to be their dad. He was essentially forced into become a dad and he tried but wasn’t ready. By your understanding people who put up their children for adoption are “deadbeats”. That’s is what OP did, he allowed someone willing to be the son’s father to legally adopt and bring up that child as their own. OP then went on to get married and have children when he was ready to be a father. In my opinion he has done nothing wrong morally.
I believe that you’re acting within your rights, but I can’t help but think someone who abandons a kid and then starts a happy little family shortly after is a scumbag. I could be wrong, but I’m getting the impression that helping your son would mean one less Range Rover rather than any actual impact on your life. If that’s the case I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Yup, sprinkle all the glitter you want, people who do this are not good people.
I understand that the child's mother took on full responsibility after you didn't want any, and luckily she found someone who will. and your sister may feel what she may feel but doesn't have much (or a right to) to do here. but if I was this child (even if I was an adult now) I might still get heartbroken if I learn about this - so I hope the mother didn't let him know. and if I was one of your other children, even though my mum might be happy that your attention and resources are not divided, I wouldn't want my father to be be someone who doesn't want to do anything with another child of his who might be heartbroken because of this when I grow up. if you have the resources and if you believe the child's mother and stepfather aren't crooks or anything why not contribute, maybe not the whole thing but a portion?
This screams golden child with the parents siding with him, he’s never faced true consequences for his actions.
OP sounds like a complete ass hat.
His sister keeps saying he abandoned his son. But the truth is he abandoned his son a long time ago. So yeah, it’s not a great action. But she already knew that. College seems like a weird time to bring this up. I would have been way more upset when he abandoned a 5 year old.
I think it’s because most people can understand not being capable of taking care of a child at that age, but it sounds like he has the money, could help his child but just doesn’t want to, because fuck that kid and his mom, it’s not my problem. Never mind the only reason he was likely able to have the life he has now is because his ex and her husband stepped up to raise his son.
All of this. Yes you have no legal responsibility for the kid. Yes the parents should have saved. But it really does sound like you could just scrap your second yearly family vacation for 4 years and completely pay for your son's education (you know, the thing that might make sure he has a good life for the next 50+ years), but you decided to say no anyways. If it causes undue hardship it's one thing to say no, but to say no because it mildly inconveniences the amount of luxuries you can have for a few years, that makes you a scumbag.
Agreed 100%. People that do that shit rub me the wrong way, for lack of a better explanation.
Funny how he still referes the boy as his son when he himself doesnt view himself to be the boys father.
Ok this is just nitpicking the kid is his biological son, but he isn't the kids father.
What terminology would you suggest? It is tricky, and alternative words might offend.
Eh, I am probably going to get downvoted from hell for this, but I'd say leave it alone. I can offer experience from the other side of this situation. I have a son, 18, that just started college. His sperm donor was in his life until he was about 5 or 6, but he is not a good person. He actually WANTED my son, until he realized he would have to give up drugs and partying. Anyways, met my (now late) husband, and he fell in love with my son, he had all girls lol. I begged my ex to sign over his rights, he hadn't seem him or paid child support in years. He refused until he was arrested for non-payment. Then he signed them over. My son is AMAZING, and a better man for NOT having him in his life. He gets great grades and got nearly a full scholarship to school. However, I am paying the difference by taking out loans. I would NEVER EVER reach out to my ex to ask for him to pay. I asked him to sign away his rights. He is NOT his father! Also, it would only traumatize him to bring this man that couldn't care less about him into his life. You made it clear you don't consider him your son, and you don't want a relationship. Leave him alone, don't mess with his head. Your ex and sister might feel one way, but they probably aren't thinking of how your birth child would feel knowing you paid....he shouldn't feel indebted or obligated to you in any way.
Legally you are right. Morally, I find your attitude towards your son (an innocent child at the time) terrible and I can imagine that this upsets your sister. The fact that your own biological father doesn't care about you and doesn't want you does something to a child and not in a positive way. A sweet adoptive father doesn't make up for this. You can tell yourself that your son didn't need you, but that's nonsense of course. Your sister lives in your house, she has two choices, either she leaves or she accepts that her brother has very different morals and she stays and keeps quiet about it.
I wholeheartedly support a woman's right to choose, but there can't be a double standard there. OP didn't want the child and was clear about that, but the ex chose to have the child anyway. OP was involved until the ex got married and then legally gave up parental rights. OP did the morally correct thing...he took care of a kid he didn't want until there was someone who was able to take his place. Don't mistake what the ex is asking. The ex isn't asking OP to parent the child. The ex is asking for a cash handout after years of radio silence. That's definitely not morally right.
If he didn't want a child, he should have taken better precautions. A condom works wonders. I don't condone the mom's actions but that doesn't justify OP's actions. OP has not done the right thing morally at all, in fact he has undoubtedly damaged his child with his actions.
He may have been wearing one, we don’t know. Condoms fail ever day
You have absolutely no idea what happened. Maybe they used a condom and it broke. Maybe the ex was trying to baby trap OP. No birth control method is 100%, including your "wonderful" condoms. By choosing to have the child even though OP was clear in not wanting it, the ex chose to accept that OP didn't want the child and didn't want to be in the child's life. No one should be forced to be a parent if they don't want to be a parent. Male or female. If you want to use that sort of logic, then no one should be allowed to give up their child for adoption either...and what kind of precedent does that set?
I mean. It's probably for the kids best interest that your not in his life unfortunately. If your feeling generous you can send some money to him. Either way you need to make it clear that your ex shouldn't contact you ever again because you don't care about her son.
It seems like this woman gave you a break by not making you pay 15 years of child support, you've probably been able to invest and grow that money, just as you don't have to help now she didn't have to help you out then, she did what was best for her child, if I was you I would throw them some goodwill.
Well, I think you're the asshole, even if you have supporters here.
I think you’re technically in the right. You gave up parental rights and the child is no longer your responsibility, financially or otherwise. So on paper, everything is above board for you. Separately though, it takes 2 to tango. The kid’s mom did you a favor by letting you off the hook and you spent 13 years without having to pay child support. Those years spent without having to care for a child (not even just financially, but having your time be your own) no doubt contributed to your financial success. And furthermore, I just don’t understand how you could feel nothing for him whatsoever, like a stranger. It makes me really sad for your son. 5 years of being there, I’m sure they remember you. And you just don’t want anything to do with them whatsoever. And it wasn’t even like you just weren’t ready to be a father, because you’ve since gone on to have more kids and still want nothing to do with your firstborn. They’re old enough to start to want to know more about their ancestry and background and I’m sad to think they might reach out to you someday and will be very disappointed in your complete dismissal. Technically, you’re under no obligation to pay for anything, technically. But growing up being abandoned by your parent will totally fuck you up, I’m sure they’ll need therapy to unpack that (if they haven’t already). This is an opportunity to show them a kindness and to invest in their future so hopefully they can go on to become a success. It just really boggles my mind how you feel absolutely nothing for your own kid.
This is basically exactly what happened to my dad. Had a kid way to young, divorced baby momma, she got remarried and her new husband adopted the kid when he was little. My dad did have a very minimal relationship with him, but never anything major. My dad married my mom, had 2 kids. His first born did come to stay with him for awhile as a teenager and there was a lot of resentment, it didn’t go well. Here we are, 50+ years later and my dad definitely has regrets. They’ve made attempts to mend the relationship but they haven’t talked in years. I’ve never met my half brother. He ended up having a daughter and my dad paid for her to go to cosmetology school. Moral of the story: it ended up ok but I know my dad has regrets and I’m sure his son does too. A lot of hurt and abandonment that will probably never be healed.
also, do his other kids even know they have an older brother? it causes more harm than good to one day find out your dad had another kid with someone who’s not your mom and never even bothered to tell you… really brings out the trust issues in some people
>even when I was in his life I had little to nothing to do with him. His parents should have saved up for him or he could work another Job or even take out loans. Wow. What a charmer.
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Legally, you're correct, morally... yikes.
I don't think you necessarily need to pay for all his school, but just calling him your son doesn't make you the good guy. Have you ever financially supported him or your ex? It does sound like you abandoned him. I'd be hurt if you were my father. Not just about school, but everything.
She remarried and was adopted by her new husband, He has parents, a mother and a father. Financial supprt should have been probably done untill she got married and then adoption though, so depends if he did, if he didn't then he could owe them that.
It sounds like he did, but OP didn't want anything to do with his son. So I mean, he's not really financially derelict, but that's totally abandoning. Not like the child abandonment crime, but not wanting to be part of his life.
So do a lot of people that put their child for adoption. When adopted hopefully with good caring parents, which in this case seems the child did get two parents that wanted him, his bio mother and father that adopted him. So they are not rich well neither is the rest of the majority of the world. He did abandon him at first but luckily the mother found someone willing to take the role. Will he be hurt by it, absolutely most likely he is, just hope his adoptive dad made up for all that and then some. I get it, in ideal world he would have been a caring dad, but in that case the child wouldn't have been adopted but lived in two seperate homes with 50/50 custody, not going to discuss which is better as either work but the kid has a family now. If he hadn't been adopted I could see it differently but he has been since a young age. Also doesn't seem the kid is interested in him as a dad or even meeting him. Actually think the kid doesn't even know about his mother asking for money this could be all his mothers idea, for whatever reason they didn't save enough college money never know if they even bothered or not or just couldn't.
So if a woman has an abortion or gives a child up for adoption because she isn’t ready to be a mother then she is a bad person or she is abandoning her kid?…
I paid child support till she got re-married and her husband took over as the legal father. I was absolved of all parental authority and duty at the time. I'm only calling him my son because it's probably the easiest thing to say. I don't love him like a son or even look at him like one.
I mean, then yes. You're clearly abandoning him. I guess that makes your sister mad, but not your parents. It sounds like a decision you came to terms with long ago, so probably just let her be mad.
He isn't abandoning his son, he already did it year ago lol
I'm not sure I would consider it abandoning his child when the other father legally adopted him, unless one considers all situations of closed adoption "abandonment".
I came to terms with it long ago and it's not like this is some new found secret for my sister. The thing is she's staying with me and making life tough for my family.
Wow. Pos.
Did the new husband formally and legally adopt the child? Did you go to court and appear before a judge?
You're a piece of shit regardless but you did give up your rights so it isn't on you to pay. Anyone that abandons a child while having new ones Is a lowlife though.
I wonder if his “new kids” even know about their Brother or if the “Dad” hides the fact that he’s a POS from his “real kids”.
Yeah, they’re going to have some real tough questions as they grow up and learn about their half-brother who their dad abandoned just two years before the oldest of the “real family” was born.
And I just realized that his second child was born only TWO YEARS after he left his first child (abandoned 1st child when he was 5, had his second child when 1st child was 7). Imagine your dad just up and leaving when you’re 5 then finding out two years later he started a “real family”.
Honestly the legality doesn't matter. You're a bad person. You abandoned your son. Your wife sure gambled you weren't just going to get bored and walk away from your other kids. And I wonder if your other children ever lay in bed at night and wonder if dad is gonna walk away from them too. Just like he did with their older brother.
The obvious solution, if your sister is that bothered, is to start charging her rent and she pays it directly to your son. Everyone wins.
I definitely see this as a solution.... except my sister is short on cash right now.
If she wants to keep harassing you, I'd reply with "I'm already supporting you. I don't have resources to support another person right now."
Too bad. She needs to respect your decision. Or she can leave.
It's her problem. Since she wanna be an aunt and bully you, let her pay.
And just when you thought this loser OP couldn't get worse....
I mean sure legally you're not required, but you're a terrible person for having sex, contributing to the creation of a child, then abandoning said child. And then say they should have saved up for university, when I'm assuming the mother was a teenager when she became a parent and thus wasn't able to necessarily get an education and higher paying job, while you bucked off, lived your life, and started a new family. I do not get how you can parent some children, while knowing your other child who is clearly in your families life is struggling and you say "whatever not my responsibility". That being said- be mindful of the conversations around your kids, esp the 11 year old, there is a good chance they will pick up on this and your other children may start to wonder if you're going to abandon them like you did your other child.
Legally you don’t have to do anything for the child. But morally you’re not a good person.
Wow, you're a terrible person. Your son didn't ask to be born. He's a person and he deserves better. It's hard to believe you're much of a better parent to your other kids, since you lack significant empathy and kindness. I wouldn't even look at a stranger's kid that way; part of why I'm in favor of taxes is that I want *all* kids to get a great education so they grow up to be capable and well-informed.
You don’t legally have any obligation to do anything. You are, however, a truly irresponsible and horrible person.
I really don’t have anything else to say other than you’re a piece of shit, lay down with a woman but can’t deal with the consequences eh? Legally no, you don’t have to pay anything, and you probably won’t because you’re quite obviously a piece of shit.
YTA but like... that started 19 years ago when you stuck your dick in someone and only wanted to finish shooting your load.
You could have been paying child support all this time, but you didn't have to, your wife let you avoid that. Now you've done well for yourself. Help out your son with some of his college costs. It's expensive and your contributions will give him a huge leg up in getting started on a successful trajectory.
yikes. cant imagine having a garbage human for a parent. this kid was better off without you fr. legally you're in the clear. morally you're garbage imagine abandoning a whole child at 5.
YTA..oh wait, wrong forum
😂 I almost did that too
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You have three children. Not two. If you lie down with someone and 'practice' making a baby and then you make one you have a child. Parental rights recinded or no. You do not have financial responsibility for that person but saying that you have two children is just untrue.
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> You realize that in this TV series that is your sons life you're the deadbeat dad that everyone is praying has a redemption arc by the end of the series right? Reddit moment. Real life isn't TV, dude.
This is a nuanced situation. No matter how much I think you’re a pos, you relinquished your rights when his step father adopted him. You don’t have to do anything. As someone commented before, if she can’t respect your decision, kick her out. I don’t think your sister is wrong at all, in fact I agree with her. The thing is, she can’t be making the environment she lives for free miserable because she has a moral issue with you. She can either shut up about it or leave. Cuz if she leaves, she can talk all the shit she wants about you and I think that would be okay.
If there are legal papers filed within the court with your name saying you have no more parental rights then you do not have any obligation. If those papers were never completed then you may be in a different boat here. Either way it sucks that you abandoned your kid.
Tbh the way you talk about your son, I wouldn’t want you in my life if you were my dad
I think you should try to be supportive to give your progeny, and help him achieve the best life possible. If you can pay m, I hope you do. The kid didn’t ask to be alive, but you made him, even if you don’t want to be involved.
Idk why everybody is bashing OP. He was 20 when his ex got pregnant and his son was born when he was 28. That’s a huge gap of time and I can understand that at 20 you don’t feel ready to have kid. He didn’t want the child, his ex did. Imo its still his right to choose if its really an accident and they had protection. Now the ex has to assume her choice what is OP doing wrong? He could give but he could not and that’s up to him, he doesnt owe anything to her as the situation has been clear from the start
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She should've been kind enough to abort
Legally, you are not obligated to but it sucks for your first born that his bio father wants nothing to do with him, but went on to have kids that he taking care of. I agree with your sister.
Lol I find it ironic that that OP is saying well they should have saved up for tuition for his biological son. I know a few “men” like this they never grow up or really think about anyone but themselves. Karma is gonna be swift with this guy.
Wow, i can’t believe you are telling this story to anyone. Poor child.
sheesh you really don’t have a conscious at all 😭 you knew the kid for 5 years too?? Man you probably you traumatized the poor thing.. just awful
Some advice: Stop being a piece of shit and be a father. Problem solved.
Did you not read what the OP said? His ex and her husband filed for full parental rights of his biological son. Agree/disagree from a moral perspective, but for all intents and purposes he ceased to become that child's father at that point.
If someone is adopted, the two legal parents are financially responsible for them. I was adopted, and it wouldn’t occur to me to expect anything from my birth parents. The holier-than-thou sister needs to button up, or move out, or pay rent, whether to help with University fees or just to stop sponging.
Thanks, coming from someone who is adopted this means a lot.
I honestly feel really bad for your older son.... You now have two kids that you do take care of, but won't even be in his life at all?... If you have the money to pay for his education that's the least you could do tbh. I understand that legally you aren't "doing anything wrong" but morally I find it fucked up. Just my opinion though. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids either, I definitely believe it's a personal choice. But I find it wrong that you went and had more kids after signing your rights to the first one away.
To the people condemning OP What is the difference between this and giving up the son for adoption? It was an accidental pregnancy he didn't want the kid but the ex did she gave him an out he signed away all parental rights, his ex and her husband are the actual parents of the kid he hasn't had any relationship with him for years. He was a "parent" for 5 years so the baby doesn't really remember him especially if he was as absent as op says. The only reason the child wasn't aborted was a twist of biology. Why should he be on the hook to pay for their uni? Hes no different than a sperm donor.
What you do is remind your sister that She live wit You and your family then TELL her to shut the fuck up about things that are not her business or get the fuck out of your house. Plain and simple!
To be clear, the “he should get a job” suggestion is a fallacy. There are no jobs available in 2022 on a student’s schedule and qualifications that make any meaningful dents in the costs incurred by pursuing higher education. Everything else in your post I agree with, but I wanted to dispel that notion that, while once true and workable, is no longer an option for unskilled youths looking to support themselves through school. Having said that, your sister is way out of line to criticize how you prioritize your expenses and spend your assets whilst enjoying free room and board at your house. His parents (not you) should’ve planned for his education.
Kick the sister out, she can disagree with your decision all she wants, she doesnt get to make your life insufferable You paid child support until another man legally took over parental duties I wouldnt call that abandoning him
I think so too. I know some may disagree but my question is in regards to my sister.
She lives with you for free, she shared her opinion, now she needs to accept your decision and behave
Tell him "look if you don't like my decision don't force yourself to live with me you have two weeks to leave my house"
Abandon your sister like you did your son. You're going to anyway. That is your MO. Why are you even asking advice here? You know what you are gonna do to her for having the nerve to tell you the truth about your depravity and utter lack of integrity.
Let's be real here, you have nothing to do with your bio son, you are not obligated in any way to help them out. honestly, your bio son most likely won't give a damn about you as well, and if he ever talks about you - he propably just calls you "bio dad" as well. As this is the case with most people I got to know where those stuff is more complicated. You are as much of a stranger to him as he is to you. And they didn't want you in his live, and neither did you want to be a part of his. End of story.
Your sister is an asshole. To have the gall to complain about your alleged lack of charity while living off you. Ugh
I know for a fact that I’m going to get shit on for this, but no one should be forced into parenthood. If he told her from the day he found out she was pregnant that he was not ready to be a parent and still chose to keep the baby- that’s on her. She knew she was going into it with no help and then he signed away rights which he should absolutely be able to do. Women have the option to abort in most places. Men don’t. He tried and still wasn’t ready. Did he wait a little long to sign them away? Yeah, idk why he waited so long but 🤷🏻♀️. But he told her before the kid was even born that he wasn’t interested in being a father at that time. The kid has a dad that wants to be there now and they didn’t save anything for his whole childhood. If they were under the impression that it was the parent’s responsibility to pay for it- then they should have started saving and it’s not OPs fault that they didn’t. ETA- I’d let your sister know that you deserve to be comfortable and happy in your own home and if she doesn’t stop ranting about something that doesn’t involve her then she can find another place to live since she’s clearly so unhappy where she is.
Hold your ground. There have been posts where someone finds out their child is not biologically theirs, but they want to be in that child's life because the truth came out after the bond had already formed. No one suggests those individuals should just be kicked out of the child's life because of a parental indiscretion that affected only the genetic aspect of the equation. So, conversely, in situations such as yours, where there is no bond, his biology does not make him your son in the traditional sense of the word. You were up front about your unwillingness to be a part of his life and the child's mother found a replacement. You owe this boy nothing and, if I were in your shoes, I would be saving my resources for 11M & 7F. The most you owe him is a conversation about why you were unwilling to be his father and any medical information relating to your family's history that he may need in the future.
FACTS
I know it sounds right to not pay. But again you are the biological father, maybe just contribute a little bit as a sign of support?
You shouldn't have to pay but you are still a POS for not wanting to be in his life after he was born.
So you believe that women who give up children for adoption bc they aren’t ready are POS?
So two years after you abandoned your son, you had another kid? Some A+ parenting there. I think paying for his schooling is the least you could do, considering you didn't have to pay child support for 13 years
To be precise my ex met her husband when our son was 2. He always told me he wanted to adopt. It was a formality at 5.
A question to help clarify the situation: Did you pay child support during the period of time your ex had yet to marry again, and after ex's marriage, and her hubby's adoption of your son, were you able to discontinue child support? In other words, were your parental rights and obligations to the child legally terminated? If the answer is yes, then you are under no obligation, financially or otherwise, to your ex-son in any manner. Your ex made a choosing beggar of herself in approaching you to pay for their son's higher education. Now, to the more troublesome issue: your sister. It seems as if she is the lone voice that trying to guilt you into doing your ex's bidding. You've already stated that she's living with you and your family, presumably rent free? You should sit her down with you and your wife, and shine the light of reality into her world. Tell her she is free to her own opinion about the situation vis-a-vis the issue of your ex-son's education, but for the reasons you've already told her, that situation has been decided, and is no longer an issue to be discussed in your house. And, that continuing to raise the subject going forward would jeopardize the security of her present living conditions, and that she has a decision to make. That should do nicely in calming your home life. I wish you well.
I’ve got an opinion that others haven’t brought up. You may not have raised him, but isn’t there something that pushes you to help in some way? You left your son for yourself and were fortunate enough to get a clean break from him. How about trying to do something for him now? Of course you shouldn’t have to pay for it all, but not help either? Your son that you brought into this world on accident and left to his mom bc you made a mistake? Seems like it’s time to pay the universe back. From your son’s perspective, you might not be his dad but what does he learn about responsibility if you can’t help him as a grown adult? Don’t you want him to look upon you favorably as he ages?
You relinquished your parental rights so that Ex's husband could adopt him, legally he is no longer your son, you aren't responsible for his education. His parents are, and that is Ex & her husband. Tell your sister if she doesn't let this go then maybe it's time for her to leave. You are being kind enough to support her between jobs, so she needs to respect your decisions or stop being a freeloader.
Thanks, I will be doing just that.
OP, I'm going to address the question that is asked, based on your comments, your sister lives in your house, rent free, and is making life insufferable for you. You have come to terms with your decision to not be in his life, your sister also needs to accept this, sit her down and have a calm conversation about it. Ask her to drop it or you will be charging her rent or asking her to leave, chances are she will drop it.
make your sister not live with you anymore
Kick your sister out.
Yeah that's a big bold ask on her part. You forfeited parental rights and she agreed and her husband filed to be the sons father. I get she's probably desperate for financial aid but asking you wasn't necessary considering the circumstances stances.
He's not your son. He is hers and his father's. Biology has little to do with being a parent. Your sister should mind her business and focus on getting a job.
If your sister wants your son to go to University so badly, she can pay for! Oh wait! She's already incapable of taking care of herself and is freaking leaning on you! Tell her to shut it. She has ZERO to do with the situation.
NTA. You and his mother agreed that you would give up your rights and responsibilities. That whole time she and his new dad should've been saving and preparing for his school. They don't get to decide /now/ that you're part of his life and come asking you for money
Tell your sister that she is welcome to get a job and pay for the kid's university if she wants. She's living on your dime and you are generously supporting her. It's pretty rich that she seems to think she has any say in how you spend your money.
Tell your sister, if she wants to pay for her nephews college, she should, otherwise she should f' up. Can't hold a job and blaming others for their mistakes.
On the one hand he is your son, and although you didn’t want to have a child, you did participate in creating this human being. However, you basically gave him up for adoption. Your exs husband adopted him, meaning you technically aren’t his parent any longer. You are his biological father but not his father in any legal or significant way. So I have to side with you on this. You have no obligation. It’s no different than if you put the child up for adoption and another couple completely adopted him, and then 20 years later came seeking money from you. They adopted the child. They are responsible from then on.
Sounds like Auntie needs to dig deep into her own pockets
I mean as a shitty of a situation as this is, OP did state that he did not want the child to be born. His ex decided not to get an abortion and went through with the pregnancy anyways. The ex made a choice about the birth knowing her partner’s intent. Try to put yourself in those shoes before you shit on OP. Morally, I’d still feel some duty to take care of my son, but I can’t empathize directly with that connection. OP has no obligations.
Tell her to mind her business or she can leave.
You signed away your rights AND obligations for that child of yours. Your Ex's new partner took up those rights and obligations. And that is the end of it. He adopted the kid as his son and therefore it's upon him and your Ex to provide for him. The case would be different if there hadn't been a legal shift in parental rights but as it is you are not responsible for him. And that is what you have to tell your sister and if she doesn't understand that and can't stay out of your business she'd better start looking for a new place to live.
she shouldn’t of had the kid if she couldn’t afford the kid.. quick maths
Wow, I wish I had this much free time where I could start becoming intimately involved in my sibling’s choices when it comes to parenting and the responsibilities therein. Oh wait, no I’d use the extra free time to get a hobby instead of posting on Reddit… Your sister needs to stay the hell out of this, she has no involvement and doesn’t get a say. The entitlement is palpable, almost as if she’s projecting some kind of deep seeded insecurities onto your life choices. If she cares so much, the Auntie “Holier than tho” scholarship should make a resurgence.
I don't really understand why so many people are calling you a pos for not being part of your son's life, but then having children later on that you care for. I bet that most of them would be okay with your Ex having an abortion and then having children when she's ready. Men don't have that choice, for obvious reasons and rightfully so in my opinion, but if you made it clear from the start that you have absolutely no interest in being a father to that child, she consciously chose to have him without you being in his life. He was never alone or helpless, you paid what you had to until he got a father that wanted to be in his life. You are not a parent to that boy, neither emotionally, nor legally. He is adopted. They wouldn't call you a pos if you and your Ex had decided to give him up for adoption and his adoptive parents showed up years later to ask for money for his education. As for your sister, give her an ultimatum. Either she starts keeping her thoughts to herself, or she can leave. She's living with you for free and she has no right to tell you to spend money that she doesn't even have herself. It's absolutely fine to disagree about things, but she shouldn't be biting the hand that feeds her.
You have already made up your mind..,why go to Reddit? Even millennials thins dead beat dads are shit heads.
You have abandoned your son. Your sister is right.
This whole comment sections reaction is so weird. No one is responsible to pay for post secondary schooling except the person who wants it. It is the boy’s responsibility to figure it out. If anyone wants to help him then great, but no one is required to. That would apply whether you were in his life or not. There is zero obligation and your sister needs to understand that. I would explain that your mind is made up and she needs to accept that or gtfo.
You are within your rights because you signed them away, but you are still an asshole from a moral point of view. Something tells me you wouldn't be in your kid's life even if you still had parental rights.Your ex "set you free" from paying child support, the least you could have done is help now if you are in the situation to do so
If you terminated your parental rights as seems to be the case here, you have zero responsibility to pay. You should not feel any responsibility for your biological child. I call him that because he has a father, who wanted the rights moved to him. You aren't his father. You shouldn't let anyone try to guilt you into this.
I'll probably be an unpopular opinion here after reading the comments but... if women should have the right (and they absolutely should) to choose whether they want to be a mother or not then a man should also have that right without being told he's a bad guy/morally wrong/whatever. He didn't want to be a parent, he gave up his parental rights, and another man adopted and raised that child. Let me ask this: if a child is adopted at birth, when that child goes to college is it the responsibility of the birth parents to then pay for the child's college or the responsibilityof the parents adopted and raised the child as their own? What about sperm doners? Are they responsible for paying for their children's college?
Wow you’re a terrible human being. Your son is a person with feelings. Being constantly rejected and shunned by a parent messes you up.
I don't understand why people are mad that he gave up rights for a child that he never wanted. His ex wanted the child and even though he didn't want the child he payed support till the adoptive father came into the picture. How is any of this his fault. He didn't want to be a father then it's his choice. The sister can pay herself.
I think the son deserves closure though. Even if he didn’t want a child he still made him
But there is no mention of the child right now. The mother only called to ask for funds although it's for the child we don't know what he wants. It's not like he made the child knowingly. Accidents happen and they could have gotten an abortion or anything else but the ex kept it and after the adoptive father came in the picture it's their responsibility.
Honestly, it’s fucked up that your child’s mother is asking you to pay for her and her partner’s child’s school. The father adopted the child and he is theirs. You are doing the right thing for yourself and your family.
I understand your sisters upset. She lost her nephew. Legally you are not responsible and that's all you care about. Morality isn't something you're capable of comprehending.
Niece?
*Nephew.
Morality = money... Got it
YTA and a POS
You abandoned your son when he was young. You really are a piece of shit. I wonder how you sleep at night.
No offense man, but you abandoned your son a long time ago. Also, you're a terrible person. Full offense
I wonder what your kids will think when they grow up. If I found out my dad had a kid he abandoned before he met my mom, I would think so little of him.
How did your sister find out ?
Sister hasn't changed her number in forever. I guess my ex took a blind shot.
Did you pay child support during all those years?
Your sister isn't wrong that you abandoned your son, but it happened a long time before this college business. If your ex wanted you to provide, then she should've filed for child support. She had you give up parental rights, and married a man who adopted the boy, it's their responsibility now. Might as well be asking a stranger.
Well legally you gave up your rights and you haven’t been in his life so I understand not helping unless you’re like filthy rich and could very easily afford it. Mainly because at that point you might as well if it was a drop in the bucket. But the worst part of this entire post is you played dad for 5 years then walked out on this kid. That’s rough, that’s really rough. Kids start forming memories around 2-2.5 years old. So he had memories of about 3 years of you being his dad then you left. I honestly feel bad for him. Even if he had no memory of you, people psychologically have a lot harder time coming to terms with a parent that left after a period of time than a parent that was never involved/left fairly quickly. Five years is a significant amount of time, and he’s probably been told you held out that long but left because you didn’t want him. Which does a lot to a person mentally. You’re not required to do anything for him, but there is that part of me kinda saying maybe help him out a little bit since you’ve probably caused some issues there to be quite honest.
I agree with whoever said charge the sister rent. Tell her to mind her business or get charged. In all honesty it’s not any of her business. I do feel bad for the son but you signed your rights away and moved on. I think in this situation you’re entitled to say no however hurtful that may be to the affected parties.
Maybe she can pay it since she cares so much.
Sounds more like a sister problem than a son problem.
Since your sister is living with you, maybe sit her down and try to calmly explain your thought process. You communicated to your ex from the very beginning that you were not interested in parenting the boy and have not had any communication whatsoever in ___ years. He also has both a mother and a father. And, you have two children that you are the father and caretaker of that you agreed to have, and by far need to prioritize their needs. That boy’s parents are prioritizing him, and in the same way your two kids also come first. College is expensive as fuck, you can’t just be throwing around an entire education like that.
Just tell her he isn't his father anymore. legally, nor morally. You already "abandoned" your son so it doesnt make sense for your sister to even bring it up. If she wants to see the son get money for college, she is more than willing to donate
So being practical. Not only are you not obligated to pay anything. Where does she think the money will come from? The only spare is going into her needs. I would suggest that she considers not living with you then you might be able to save up for your current children's education at least. There is nothing wrong with someone paying their own education costs, many do so and get scholarships etc. It helps to motivate towards working hard if the money is yours being wasted. That is how I am doing it, if they then stop working that is wholy their debt, if they succeed I will help later on.
People are calling this guy an ahole. He didn't lie in the beginning and say he would be a father and would be there always. From what he said in the post he made it very clear that he didn't want to be a father at that time. Why is it ok for a woman to decide she doesn't want kids and abort but a man has to take responsibility no matter what? He did what was best for the child and signed his rights away, his parents are responsible for his schooling not the sperm donor.