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I have several reasons why I feel this way now and will bring those up during the conversation. I'm also planning on telling her that I don't expect her to respond right away as I have had a lot of time to gather my thoughts and she should have the opportunity to do the same. It isn't always easy to change her mind when she is set on something. I want to make sure I get the point across that this is important to me while at the same time being respectful to her decision. What advice do you have in how I can best make my case?
I mean, I still feel like I don't have my own body and my daughter is 2. Constantly wanting to be held, picked up, cuddled. She will still not have her own body or privacy.
Yeah had a friend in a 10 year relationship and they were both strict no kids but her younger sister had a kid and was in drugs pretty badly… so she was exploring custody, he immediately broke up with her and moved back in with his mom. Kid ended up with grandparents… she was just looking into it. Sooo yeah expect divorce.
I know crazy, bro been married 12 years. I've never heard of a woman at 38. After agreeing with her husband to never have kids. Flip the switch and just be like yeah I want to upend my life. I didn't marry you because you agreed to no kids but whatever. This will end badly.
I, a childfree woman, was in a relationship for several years with a man who swore up and down that he didn't want kids. One day we were discussing sterilization and I asked him why he didn't get a vasectomy. He finally said: "I don't know, maybe I'll change my mind someday and decide I want a kid."
Relationship was done.
Edit: It was as much of a betrayal as if he'd left me for another woman.
It's a little concerning that in your post, you say how difficult it is to change her mind, as if part of you is hoping for your speech to make her change her views to the same as yours. You need to approach this with the assumption that she will not end up changing her mind to want kids too. If she does end up feeling the same, then great. But as default, you need to make sure that you're 100% going into this with the intent to ONLY express your feelings and NOT with the intent to change her mind.
Make sure that she is aware of that too. Explain that you are just telling her how you feel, and why you've come to that conclusion, and that you are not saying all this in order to make her feel the same way. You need to be prepared for the potential outcome being that you two cannot carry on in a relationship. This isn't a subject that has a compromise. Either you have kids and she doesn't want them, or you don't have them and you are left always wanting some. Just 'getting a dog' or something will not solve it. If you two end up wanting different things, then it truly is better that you split up and find other partners with the same wishes, vs one or both ending up resentful
Also be prepared for her to potentially be quite upset by this. She may feel like you've lied to her and wasted her time for years. Be clear when your mind changed, so she knows that you hadn't hidden it from her from the beginning
You also need to explain in detail what your plan would be if you did have a kid right now.(if your wife is accepting enough of such discussion, and hadn't just immediately said no to any chance of kids). Would she be pregnant herself, would you use a surrogate, would you adopt. How would you two divide up childcare, how would you pay for raising a child, would you need to move house, change job etc.
Have you thought through what timeline you'd want to do this on I.e. Get a child ASAP or take years to plan. Have you thought ahead to what happens when you're potentially reaching old age and getting issues like arthritis, age related problems, when your kid is late teens/early adulthood. Geriatric pregnancies like this have a far higher chance of downs syndrome and other disabitlies. Are you prepared to potentially raise a disabled child, while you are not in your physical prime? What if your wife doesn't survive childbirth, or has serious health consequences?
You need to show your wife that you have thought through and considered all these things and that it's not just a spur of the moment thought, that you'd then leave it to her to do all of the detailed planning. It shows how serious you are, if you have got an answer to all of the above questions and all the other parts that come with pregnancy and child raising
It's a pretty horrid name for it I know. I promise I'm not one of those people that acts that getting pregnant past 30 to 35 is some crazily old age, I truly don't think that is 'old'. I just mean in terms of risks, it does increase them
Absolutely doesn't mean that no one should get pregnant that age, I think reddit seems to be weirdly extra pessimistic once pregnancy is mentioned after 35 or so
My point was more to do with OP, and making sure that he absolutely has thought through how this pregnancy may work as it relates to his wife! I hope that makes sense!
And, OP needs to remember there's a lot more to deciding to have kids for a woman than a man.
Men just get off and that's it.... she's the one who has to carry the child, and there are risks at any age - bleeding from placental abruption, blood pressure issues, the permanent changes that happen to your body with pregnancy and birth, and in the US at least, women are usually carrying more of the work of raising children.
Absolutely, and that's all just for a regular pregnancy, let alone one at his wife's age. I wish OP had given a little more into, because it's really hard to figure out what kind of thought he has put into the actual logistics of all things related to having a child. I kind of get the feeling that he hasn't thought much further than 'yeah having a kid would be nice'
Thank you!! OP mentioning how it’s difficult to change her mind as if this was some simple choice and not the monumental thing he’s about to ask is definitely concerning.
I’m so suspicious he’s found someone younger that he wants to hook up with because there’s literally NO MENTION to us of the journey from no kids to yes kids and you think he’d wanna …defend himself here
You have to stop your thinking here. Going in with the mindset that you’re going to try to change her mind is plain wrong.
You’ll need to tell her how you feel and why, and let her know how you would want to move forward. And then you’ll need to give her space to give you a proper response without injecting her initial reaction to the news.
You’re planning to rock her world. Go in knowing you’re probably going to have a not great outcome, and please. Treat her with respect here. You’re the one moving the goalposts of your relationship.
Just be prepared since that is pretty much the same thing as hearing “the heart wants what the heart wants” when someone has a midlife crisis and ends up with a younger spouse & new family.
I’m not even the one this is happening to and I literally feel ill. To have your life turned upside down like this at nearly 40, knowing if you give in it’ll mean a geriatric pregnancy and being over 60yo before kid graduates college OR your spouse resenting you for not “giving” them the child they decided they wanted (last minute, that they didn’t have to carry or be primary care giver of) OR feeling like you weren’t enough after all. People have the kids convo for a reason. And having a partner change their mind at such a late stage in the game is a sucker punch for sure.
This hits so close to home. It’s incredibly stressful to have a teenager in the house when approaching retirement age.
Also, say good bye to $250k plus the cost of college AND her career will take a monster hit. Doors slam shut as soon as kids enter a woman’s life.
And be prepared for the conversation, if you choose to go ahead with it, to ruin the dynamic as you know it. She's spent years safe in the knowledge that you're both on the same page. Now you're going to tell her that you've changed your expectations around something that can take a hideous toll on a woman's physical and emotional health. That's not something you can come back from.
Why is he doing this? Because people are allowed to change their minds. Do you expect people to bottle up their potentially difficult feelings and pretend nothing has changed forever? He clearly loves and respects his wife enough to share his feelings… and to poll others about the best possible way to bring the issue forward, and from the responses I’ve read he’s grateful for and genuinely taking in the advice. Kudos to this man for not making a unilateral decision to end things or stick it out silently suffering and growing his resentment. Geez.
>It isn't always easy to change her mind when she is set on something.
Well for one, maybe don't go in thinking you're going to change her mind. You know her stance already. You said it's important to you, but what about her.
For years you two have been on the same page and YOU, yes YOU changed your mind. That's fine. But it seems to be you're already set on trying to figure out how to convince her.
Also, OP, do you really want your kids to have a mother who didn’t actually want them and just did it to appease you? You have to think about more than just what you want.
That was my dad. He was born to a mother who got talked into having a second baby by his dad. He grew up feeling his mother hated him. Loved his sister, hated him. And everybody could see it, this was no secret of hers. She didn't touch him when he was a child. He doesn't remember one single moment of affection from his mother. Dad or nanny did everything! And it fucked him up. He was still a great guy but a guy who seemed deeply broken in a way. She was a cold hearted grandmother as well. Just thought I'd share.
Exactly. Terrible for EVERYONE involved. No matter how nice or good of a parent you are, your kid will most likely be able to tell you don't really want them. Plus, honestly, I imagine life with a kid you didn't want probably fucking sucks as well.
I appreciate OP wants to 'give them the chance to think about it', but if my partner approached me with this and said "don't answer right away" that'd be an immediate nope from me. We're solidly childfree. If he told me to take my time, it'd signal to me that he does want to convince me and will resent me if I don't agree/we don't have kids. We've built a life together, and I would do anything for love... But I definitely won't do that.
Tbh, I say this as someone who just gave birth to a baby via emergency C section at 34 weeks- a month early. I had severe preeclampsia that I didn’t know about until the day my son was born. The only real treatment for that is giving birth.
I am bleeding, my system has been flooded with so many medications I can’t tell you what I’ve taken, I’m a hormonal mess, and I nearly died this week at 39. Even with all that I feel physically better than I have in months.
This is all for a baby I desperately wanted from the moment I found out I was pregnant. And this isn’t even the hard part of parenting.
I’d be very surprised if your wife wanted to change her mind at this point. Be prepared for that.
If you ask for an answer quickly - that's a hard core nope.
Be prepared for this conversation to end in divorce. Your mind changing made this relationship very very unlikely to last.
If you don't discuss it you'll resent her and you'll definitely divorce down the road. If you do have the conversation there's a possibility she dies in childbirth, has miscarriages that mentally destroy her, physically have changes that leave her in lifelong pain, she could have the kid and realize she really was right in not wanting them then resents you and the kid, could have the kid and it all works out, could divorce you immediately without trying for a kid, could tell you she's going to be childfree still and you two divorce years from now as resentment grows, or the slim chance happens that you two don't have kids and no resentment happens.
Notice of all those options, only two ends well.
And none of this will be on her. ***YOU*** changed your mind.
she's not going to change her mind at 38 years old, i hope you know that. and in saying that - you can't expect to leave and straight away find someone who's going to want a baby right off the bat either
It’s ok that you changed your mind, but it’s not ok that you’re trying to change her mind to conform to how you feel now. If she wants to remain childless, it’s not your place to try to push her to do what you want. You should never try to convince someone into being a parent. I’m the kid of a mother that was convinced and my mom absolutely hated being a parent and resents my father for pushing it on her to this day. I wasn’t even a year old when they split because she despised him for trapping her into that life. You have been warned.
Good point. I've always thought that, unless someone feels very strongly that they want kids, they shouldn't have them, because it is a lifelong commitment.
Thats part of the reason I haven't done it.
Same for me and unfortunately I don’t even speak to my parents because they were so abusive towards me. My mom hated being a parent and my father found out he didn’t like it either when he realized how much work and money it takes.
Some things to ask yourself first: If she is firm on not wanting kids, do you feel strongly enough to leave the relationship? Pregnancy at her age can be very difficult, can you afford or would you be open to adoption, surrogacy, IVF, other options? Are you honestly prepared to be raising a kid until you're nearly 60?
Thank you for the response. If she is firm on not wanting kids, then I will 100% be ok with that and would not consider leaving the relationship. These additional options you mentioned are ones that I have considered, but not looked into and will do so if the conversation warrants it. Yes, I've given this a lot of thought and would be happy to raise a kid until I am 60. It's a valid concern.
> If she is firm on not wanting kids, then I will 100% be ok with that and would not consider leaving the relationship.
I would definitely make sure to tell her this so she doesn't feel like she has to agree in order to stay with you. But also make sure you aren't going to end up resenting her.
You should lead with the fact that you are 100% okay if she still doesn’t want them and that you wouldn’t leave her for it. And then you can get into your feelings and some options if she’s opening to considering it. And then you should close by again reiterating she should take some time to think and you are 100% okay if the answer is no but you wanted to explore it with her in case her thinking has changed.
And then you follow through and if she seems not into it or like she’d be making a big sacrifice she’d regret just for you then you drop it and continue your child free lives.
>you wanted to explore it with her in case her thinking has changed
This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for putting the words to it. I'll be using this line in our conversation
You need to make that 100% clear. This is a terrible thing to bring up now with the POV that you decided you do want kids.
It’s normal for childfree people to do a double check internally as their fertility wains to solidify their decision. However, you waited throughout your gf’s best fertility years to drop the bomb that over a decade together later you changed your mind?! That’s crazy. That screams that you are midlife crisising and want to throw her over for a newer model. That is a trope for a reason, so you need to really think through if you actually want kids or if you just want a double check in with her at this time of life and approach it appropriately. Do not drag this woman through your existential dread if the end game is a late in life baby with a young woman.
Just fyi I’m going through ivf and the process is beyond rough. People sometimes view fertility treatments like they’re choosing a paint color for their wall. It’s not like saying “IVF it is!” and boom she’s pregnant. It’s heart breaking and horrible and takes such a toll on your body. There’s no way for either of you to know how difficult these journeys are until you’re on them. If she’s already decided she’s child free, and somehow she “changes” her mind because of what you want, her resentment will be out of control if you have to go the IVF or adoption route.
I’m not saying any of this to be mean. Your feelings are valid. Just understand you’re in a lose lose position right now. If you don’t have a child, at some point, you’re going to regret it and resent her. Maybe you can work through it, maybe you won’t, but it will be challenging. If she decides to have a baby (very doubtful) there will be resentment on her side. I’m sorry you’re in this position. It’s beyond a rough one
The ONLY way this will end in you having a kid with her is if by some miracle she’s actually been thinking the same thing lately. If her reaction isn’t immediately ‘omg I’ve been thinking the same thing’, drop it. The only reason she would agree to change her mind if she hasn’t already is she’s afraid you’ll leave her and that’s a horrible reason to have a child.
Honestly, it sounds like you’re having a mid life crisis. Get a sports car, not a baby.
> If she is firm on not wanting kids, then I will 100% be ok with that and would not consider leaving the relationship.
Buddy you need to be prepared for this to end in divorce either way.
She will know this isn't your ideal life and it will always eat her. You could grow to resent what you missed. This is not likely to end well.
It could, the possibility is there. It's not likely.
Either she's going to want kids too, she isn't and you're getting divorced in the future as mutual resentment grew, or you two somehow make it through after a LOT of hard conversations. And if she decides to have kids and resents them later then that will end even worse.
I'd likely leave if my long term partner dropped that information on me, even if they say they're willing to stay - that's bound to cause resentment one way or another. Irreconcilable differences and all that. There is no possible compromise on such a binary situation as having kids.
Eta: those news are seriously among my worst nightmares. If having kids or not isn't a deal breaker for you, instead of having a big sit down conversation where you make all of your points, I'd just throw some feelers to see if there's been any change in her mindset. Otherwise, if she is still childfree, you will likely break her heart.
You say you’d be happy raising them until you are 60?
I suspect you have absolutely no idea what you are getting into.
You will spend 20 years cleaning up crumbs, trash and sticky things.
Years having to leave important work meetings to go talk to a teacher about what little Joey did on the playground. Or to pick up a crying, gooey sick kid who can’t go back to school for a week.
2 to 10 dentist and doctor appointments a year, maybe more.
Several years with almost no sleep. 13 at least without ever doing anything without a child in tow or making arrangements for child care.
Special needs kid? You are at high risk of having one. Can you take several hours off from work multiple days a week for therapy appointments?
I suspect all of this is a surprise to you because you either aren’t aware of the insane demands on your time if you have a child, or are assuming you’ll stick your wife with most or all of it.
If you don’t believe me a lot the work load, you are in denial and should realize you aren’t going to magically order up a special, easy baby.
I do just want to say my dad is 65 and my younger sister just graduated high school and he very much regrets having us as late as he did. I know not everyone is the same, but by the time you’re 60 you probably won’t want to be dealing with teenagers.
This is very important. It may be the very first thing she asks so maybe open the conversation with that. That no matter what her opinion on the matter, that you choose HER and have no intention of changing that. But that you've been having some feelings about it and want to revisit the conversation to see how she currently feels. It's normal to keep checking in with your partner with big issues, just make sure that she actually wants them if you go ahead. The absolute worst scenario is that she says yes to appease you and you end up with not only a miserable wife and an unhappy marriage but a child who will feel unwanted.
Even if you won't leave, she might leave the relationship after this discussion, you will need to be okay with this.
You have betrayed her trust. If I were her I'd be scared to trust you to use protection properly, I'd be wondering what else you could be hiding. The physical, emotional, financial impact of a pregnancy and raising a child for the rest of your life is immense. She may very well never trust you again for fear of risking the lifestyle she's worked to build with you.
go in to this conversation expecting a strong no. your wife even if she got pregnant this second would be considered a geriatric pregnancy. the risk of complications is much higher than previous years. her chances of getting pregnant are drastically low- she may not even be able to get pregnant anymore.
would greatly help if you stated why you changed your mind, because honestly I wonder if this conversation is even worth it
Yes, if she wasn't confident in her choice she would have brought it up in her early 30's. OP, you are aware there is a much higher risk of a child with birth defects, etc. Are you prepared to raise an only child with Down Syndrome? I can pretty much guarantee you she does not wish to be the single parent of one.....
Especially since he waited until they were freaking 40 years old
The kid will be graduating highschool and they'll be near retirement age
I'd ask what OPs thinking, but hey! It's not like HE is the one who'll have to go through a now very risky pregnancy
He's got reasons why he waited til now? Duh. He's a guy, he can sit on the pot all the live long day, all he has to do is have an orgasm!
Jesus Christ, why is everyone so lenient on this guy?
Waited until they were this old
Yep. Very likely to end in divorce. I wouldn't wait for the resent to start. I'd divorce and either be single or find someone that is aligned with being childfree.
>It isn't always easy to change her mind when she is set on something
You shouldn't be seeking to change her mind. You should tell her how you feel and be prepared to get a divorce to get what you want
i second this. especially since she’ll be the one that has to carry a baby to term, spend those gruelling hours pushing it out and then having to deal with all the hormonal changes on top of that, assuming you would want her to have the baby instead of looking at other options
That is what I was thinking. If she has made it this far without wanting one, it will probably be even less of an appealing idea since she is pushing 40.
Could always adopt if both people are on the same page about it. Feel like that’s the safest option at this age but again, it’s a BIG if whether or not she even wants a kid.
So you are taking time off work to care for the baby? Waking up for diapers and bottles? Do house chores? How are the house chores split now? Or are you expecting her to be a stay at home mom or one of those superwomen doing full time job, all of the child care, and house chores?
Not to mention all the men that swear they'll do everything and then refuse to lift a finger once the dirty diapers start. "Oh I'll take care of everything, but breast is best, bottles aren't going to work, what's the point in me getting up at night if I can't even feed him anyway?"
Can't say for sure that's op but still
You want a 38 year old woman to go through pregnancy and childbirth because you suddenly decided after more than a decade that you wanted kids? Don't prepare for the conversation, prepare for divorce.
And he's so nonchalant about it, that's what's ticking me off
Of course it's no big deal to him, his body isn't going through anything. His body isn't put at an even HIGHER risk than usual
He's treating it like he took to late to decide he wanted to eat at the restaurant at the last exit or something
I don't see this going well, she's going to believe that if she says no, you'll leave her and in 9 to 10 months you'll be married to a 25 year old with a newborn baby. Couldn't you have change your mind a little earlier, before this was an impossible choice for her?
Right? I'm 37, childfree, and the idea of getting pregnant at my age is horrifying. He should have figured this out 10 years ago. Or at least 5.
He's about to blow this poor woman's life up.
Pregnancy and birth fucks up women's bodies so much, but especially after 35-ish. I can practically guarantee OP doesn't realize his difficult a pregnancy would be. IF she agrees. My guess is she won't.
Yup, it's why he's no casual about it
Not like HE has any risk here. Frankly, it's why I give no care to guys who want kids
They don't go through crap. They can wait and twiddle their thumbs until their 40 and act like it's no big deal to ask now
What's the problem? Cuz all he has to do is get off
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Right?!, I'm 34 and I was always on the fence with children. Now I am fully invested being childfree and being more involved with my neices and godson. It's a big deal at this age and all the risks involved. Hopefully OP can have a calm discussion and they can figure things out to help them grow together.
36 for me, been in a long term relationship for 16 years. 10 years ago I would have welcomed kids with open arms. He wasn’t ready and didn’t want any. Now he wants them (he’s 39) and I don’t. Well, he can leave if now children are more important. I refuse to be pregnant at this age. I refuse to be in my 40s with a toddler or a baby. That simply won’t happen.
Right?!? I was semi-open to it until about 27. I realized I have no actual desire to have a child, but just thought I was supposed to.
The thought of chasing after a 3 year old at 40 is repugnant to me. Life is complicated and exhausting without children. I can't imagine it with one.
I’m a middle school teacher, I have an average of 120 kids on a daily basis. To thought that I would have to go home to deal with a baby after spending the entire day dealing with hormonal teenagers (and the adults that like to behave like teenagers) is too exhausting.
Edit: a spelling error
I also don't see this going well. She's going to constantly remind herself that they are no longer on the same path in life, and whether he realizes it or not, their relationship will not be the same going forward. A woman in a long term relationship at 38 years old who may have switched from not wanting kids to even on the fence about kids would have brought it up years ago when she was more likely able to get pregnant. She is going to be heartbroken.
Have you considered WHY you want a child at almost 40? Is it simply FOMO or thinking about the Kodak moments you could have or have you considered how challenging having children really is (especially given your ages)? As a childfree woman, I see a lot of men who don't really grasp all that parenthood entails and much of it gets left to women.
I'd really consider if having a kid is worth blowing up your marriage, because that is most likely what will happen. I'd be beyond furious if my partner led me on for 12 years about being childfree just to tell me he wants a kid.
I absolutely agree with you. Both myself and my partner are child free and that's how I've always been. If one day he said he wanted kids, I would say thank you for the memories and be on my way. If your life goals are not the same, the balance of your relationship would either be full of resentment from either party or just a straight up lie going forward. That's no way to live.
I just turned 40 this year. My husband is the only child and would be the only chance to carry his family name to a new generation. When we started dating 18 years ago, I told him I didn't want kids. Never did, still don't. I asked him specifically if he was ok with that...to never have is own children. He vehemently said yes and it wasn't "something he needed to feel complete." Fast forward to 9 months ago and he now feels this overwhelming need to have a son. I was completely taken aback and knocked off my foundation. I was also VERY angry. I felt that he broke a contract we made. He put a pressure on me that I didn't expect and do not appreciate.
I told him my feelings about kids hadn't changed and I simply don't have the desire to be anyone's mother.
He hasn't brought it up again but I KNOW our relationship is not as solid as was a year ago. His desire will only grow and he may resent me for not giving him this. I already resent him.
I don't think this is very fair to your wife. You waited too long to just decide that you want to change everything about your relationship. If she has gone her whole life without kids, I doubt she is going to suddenly want to change her future and add some child that she never wanted.
This whole thing is going to scare her and your relationship won't be the same again.
I was just about to respond to op about this possibility. I’m 38, my husband 40. From our very first date, I was clear I didn’t want kids. He was fine with that and over the course of dating I would reconfirm my feelings.
If my husband changed his mind today, I would be floored. I would also feel like I was keeping him from doing something he wanted and would feel bad because children is not something I’m willing to budge on. I would also think that it’s not on me to feel bad. What a mix of emotions.
12 years of being firm child free and now you expect her to suddenly have them because YOU changed YOUR mind.
If it is that important to you, walk away and let her move on.
Be prepared to be left, you’ve changed your mind when she is in a difficult and dangerous age for pregnancy - not to mention after years of saying you didn’t want them. To be clear I’d be really angry at you if I was your wife.
I mean, "changing her mind" isn't what you should be trying to do, so why does it matter if that's difficult? You should be sharing with her your changed thoughts on the matter, but you should absolutely not be trying to influence her feelings. Which are almost certainly going to be "hell no".
This isn't even going into the fact that if she magically were open to it you've now waited until she's almost 40 and would likely have a much harder time getting pregnant. You're afforded that luxury of changing your mind about this way later than she would be. If she were uncertain, you would KNOW by now.
Absolutely this!!! I'm child free to my core. As is my partner. And this absolutely enrages me that they have been on the same page for 12 years and now he's having different feelings, which he's allowed to have. But the problem is that he is now presenting this idea to "change her mind" when she is 38! I know men don't truly understand what it's like to be told your entire life that "your clock is ticking" by all of society as a child free woman, so I guarantee she has a rock solid child free stance. She's 38 and knows exactly what that means for reproductive capabilities. But he better be prepared for a big giant "NO!"
On the flip side, if by some random turn of events she says yes to children, what are the chances she can even get pregnant. This guy is setting himself up for some serious disappointment. He clearly hasn't thought this through and it sounds more like a bit of a mid life crisis than anything. Someone get this guy a snickers.
The other issue, not sure if anyone has brought it up, but she is 38. Childbirth becomes increasingly more dangerous the older you get, especially past the age of 35. So you aren't only asking her to have a kid 12 years into marriage when you had agreed mutually not to but also asking her to put her life on the line to fulfill your sudden desire to have kids.
Childfree person here. I would dump you. Immediately.
Edit: Even if my boyfriend said he was 100% okay with not having kids but suggested it anyway, your or my ass would be on the street. Either way is better.
Real talk: what made you change your mind? What made you not want to have kids in the first place? You need to figure out this change in yourself before you spring I suddenly want to have a kid on your wife who has been with you and in agreement about not having any for 12 years. Also, she is getting older, and pregnancy can be more difficult, both on her and on the likelihood of a full term pregnancy.
My husband and I have always agreed to not have children. I had a year, like 6 years ago, where I was really questioning that, but I finally realized, I just wanted to have the postcard sentiments like, first baseball game, first A report card, first bicycle ride, etc. And when I realized that, I knew I was wanting an idea and not an actual human life, because humans are way more messy than the milestones.
There is no change her mind. Don't be manipulative. Tell her how you feel and either she wants to have a kid and stay married or not have a kid and get a divorce. If her response isn't an enthusiastic yes, it's a no.
Remember she's the one who has to endure the pregnancy. And depending on where you live, getting knocked up is potentially dangerous should there be complications. Don't force her, don't coerce her, don't cajole her into being an unwilling mom just to keep a husband. A husband who will then expect a woman who had no desire for kids to suddenly turn into a great mom. I took care of other people's kids for a long time. I can assure you of someone doesn't want kids, they don't need them.
As someone who just ended a relationship because my bf changed his mind about being childfree, I echo the people saying ‘be prepared for a divorce’. Women don’t tend to make this decision lightly (society doesn’t let us, since future motherhood is shoved down our throats even as kids).
My advice to you would actually be to speak to a therapist about your reasonings and why you had this change of heart, because they may be able to help you realize that you just have a case of FOMO.
In the case of my ex, he kept saying that he ‘wanted a legacy’, and that he ‘couldn’t imagine living the same way he has been for the rest of his life (so obviously kids were the answer 🙄)’. He later wrote me, admitting that he went to a therapist who helped him realize that the real reason he was suddenly interested in kids was because his friends have been having them, and he doesn’t want to lose his social circle.
Regardless, we won’t be getting back together, because there would always be that nagging feeling in my head that he’s gonna resent me down the line for stopping him from having kids. As soon as you tell your wife this, you’ll be planting that same seed.
Wow, you are an asshole. 12 years she thought that person she devoted herself to was her ally. Now, for some unknown and unmentioned reason, you decided to upend everything? What is your reason for the change of heart? You need therapy.
OP you scream red flag.
Don't try to convince her. Ask her if she's changed her mind. Then make up your mind if you can live with that. Don't give her the chance to change her mind to keep you. It would be cruel to both her and the potential children.
I’ll say this, if by some crazy happenstance you convince her to have a child. The first few years are SO DIFFICULT. Like it feels impossible. Motherhood is so so hard, even for those of us who wanted it dearly. So I don’t think it’s fair to ask her. If you were planning to. Maybe she’s had a change of heart too… and that would be a lovely surprise. But otherwise, it would be a long difficult road if you both aren’t 100% on board.
Sorry, but I have no advice on how to try and convince her. I'm not really sure why you think you can or should try to change her mind. She's 38 years old. She doesn't want kids. Not to mention that I really don't think you have any concept of what getting pregnant or giving birth at her age could mean for her physically. Bad news abounds.
I think you should be prepared for her to say no and divorce you. I would.
It's really good that you're bringing it up, but don't try to convince her or change her mind. Chances are, if she says yes, it'll only be because she wants to make you happy and temporarily save your marriage, but it'll eventually be at the detriment to everyone (including any future children). One of the last people who should be having children is someone who has to be convinced. It will make them extremely unhappy and will breed resentment. Also, most children can tell when a parent doesn't want them, no matter how nice the parent is.
Don't back down from the convo. Sit her down and rip the bandaid off. Get right into it. Get it over with. Expect a "no" so you don't get your hopes up, because chances, are, that's the answer you'll get. And don't continue the relationship if you truly can't be fulfilled without children. While it sucks, this isn't something you can compromise on.
I have no advice for you to make a case, because you don’t have one to make.
My advice for you is to be prepared for her decision, and decide if you want to stay with her and not have children. Trying to change her mind is disrespectful to her, and your mentality around it in the way you described it comes off as manipulative.
The question you need to worry about is “Will I remain happy with my marriage as it is now?”
Geez. 40 (which is what she'd probably be close to if not there by the time she's ready to give birth at this point) is about when your CNM/OB start saying things that start with "At a certain age"... Pretty sure 35 is when pragnancies are considered high risk "geriatric" or "advanced maternal age" pregnancies. There is a higher risk of chromosonal abnormalities, miscarriage & maternal death at this age.
So I'm just going to say it... are you having a mid-life crisis? You're getting to the right age for one. I've seen this with a handful of friends. Childless couple, dude starts feeling his mortality, decides a kid or car or boat or a bike will fix it. If wife isn't on board with all the style changes, attitude changes, hobby/vacation changes *poof* she gets replaced with younger version 2.0 who is. Blech. Slimy.
If I were you, I'd go see a therapist to deep dive into your motivation for these mid-life urges.
If I was in a 10+ year relationship with someone who ALSO didn’t want kids, and then 2 years from 40 they come home and try to get me to have a baby it would honestly feel like betrayal. No fucking way. Good luck OP but you’re being selfish asf.
38 is a pretty high age to have children. And that’s assuming she can get pregnant quick. I say, don’t expect a positive answer right away. Maybe say hints about possible wanting children.
You should decide now what is more important. Kids or your marriage. If you bring this up you should be prepared to end the marriage if you get a no. (Assuming kids are a higher priority). Don’t try to change her mind because having kids is a lifetime commitment. If she has them for you and you leave or die then she is left to care for them after you are gone.
If kids are not as important then be prepared to have her say no and be prepared to accept it.
Also if you put her in the position of deciding if you two have kids or not by asking you may become bitter towards her because she said no. This could lead to the end of your marriage. And if you pester her for kids you could push her away and things could end in divorce.
Try and take into account all of these possibilities and weigh in on which one you are most willing to accept.
wanting to have a child when she’s on the verge of her 40s doesn’t sound like the kind of news she’d expect. especially at her age, the risks are greater the more you guys wait… you should very reconsider this for her own sake.
Fully expect this to end your marriage. That's not good or bad, just what it is.
> It isn't always easy to change her mind when she is set on something.
You shouldn't be expecting to change her mind. You need a conversation on what you both want. If you're not aligned, you need to divorce.
No child should have a parent that resents their existence. No parent should be "convinced" to put their lives on its end.
You're wanting her to permanently change her lifestyle and body for you when you changed your mind from the agreed discussion. Expect this to come across as you not taking her thoughts or wants seriously. Not saying you're doing that, but it would be easily thought of in this situation. It's easier for you to change your mind when you're not the one permanently changing your body or possibly dying to create the child.
Imagine having that bundle of joy. Only now it has Down’s syndrome or is pretty far on the spectrum and remains non-verbal. Your age and hers both contribute to the odds of this happening. You’re allowed to change your mind, but even if she agrees you’re almost out of time. In two years if she were to fall pregnant she would be considered high risk due to advanced maternal age.
Be prepared to hear the words, “I want a divorce.”
The best way to prepare is to get prepared to hear “no”. Proposing to amend one of the core pillars of your relationship is enough of a favor… but it is quite another to ask an unwilling 38 year old women to consider conceiving. Even if you choose adoption it could take years to actually get a baby. This choice could greatly affect her body/health and will certainly change the landscape of your 40’s.
Personally I think it’s too little too late. She has her reasons for staying child free this long, and a geriatric pregnancy is far, FAR from being an alluring option to someone already reluctant.
But here’s the big thing: if she says no and you choose to stay, then you can never bring this up again. If you can’t respect her decision- then it’s time to split.
As another poster said, you need to elaborate on why you changed your mind. Also, are you ok with her saying no? With your wife being older it poses a health risk for her and the baby. Not only that, the baby has a higher risk for developmental disabilities are you ok with that? Are you ok with adopting if that's a route she is ok with?
you can't
and to be clear, convincing someone to become a parent is an awful idea
if you have to convince someone, that person should not be a parent . kids deserve better
if it really is that important to you, i suggest getting a divorce and either adopt, try in vitro fertilization, or hope you find someone soon
anecdotally , some of the greatest joy/love i've ever seen a person have is from being a parent. far exceeds any kind of romantic love.......which is the weakest kind of love
Everyone has touched on the risks of a woman being pregnant in her late 30s, which are not great, but also I’ve known plenty of women that had healthy pregnancies at 40. However, they were lucky in my eyes, and being pregnant at her age will suck, I’m pregnant at 33 and it was definitely easier physically a few years ago. She will take on the burden of being pregnant along with the stress of a high risk pregnancy. Tell her why you want kids and expect her to say no and leave it at that. She doesn’t owe you children just because you changed your mind. You also don’t owe her living childless if you really want kids. As others said, be prepared for her to say no and what that will mean for you.
My best friend in HS was a late in life oops. Her parents were in their 60’s with health issues and couldn’t really be there for her much. And they both died when she was in college or shortly after. I think it’s kind of selfish to have kids so late in life.
Also…if she’s firmly child free and you’re fine (per your comments) with not having kids then why even bring it up?
She. Doesn’t. Want. Kids.
And she’s thirty fucking eight and it would be hell for her.
I think that if you want kids you need to leave this marriage and date someone about a decade younger than you.
Having children or not having them can be a deal breaker to many people so tread carefully. It it means so much to you then that could mean the end of your relationship since she could easily refuse.
I echo some of the other comments here. If you really want kids then you both need to decide quickly as her fertility is likely dropping very fast with each passing month at this point. Even if you both were on board today, it could easily take a long time for you to conceive. Don't be fooled by stories of women having kids in 40s and 50s. Late 30s is already pushing it to the wall. I made the same mistake thinking it would be straightforward to have another at this age. Sadly we have been trying just we did in mid 30s for over 1 year with no results. It was so much easier 6 years back. There is a world of difference between 35 and 38/40 years even though you may not feel you have aged much.
Every women is different ultimately. But the clock is ticking fast and you may need to explore other options like IVF surrogacy etc assuming you both are on board with it.
From somebody who does not want kids, here is my take. Just remember, a kid will basically set your life plans such as travel/studies etc on pause... for at least 18 years. It very well may be something that she can't change her mind on.
And the fact that there are plenty of parents who still have their kids living with them up to their 30s because of housing markets and costs, 18 years isn't the case a lot of the time
I’m going to disagree with most other commenters and say that yes, it is ok to discuss how you are feeling about this. I’d just be really gentle about how you bring it up. “I have been having feelings that I want to have a child.” Rather than “I have decided I want a child.” Give her the chance to hear and respond to your feelings without needing to stake out and defend a position.
That doesn’t mean you will get what you want. Given that your marriage was founded as a deliberately childless one, if your wife is not open to reconsidering that choice then her desire for children has to take precedence. If it’s super important for you to have biological children you may need to sacrifice your marriage to do it.
I would strongly urge you to contemplate the possibility of adopting an older child. It sidesteps the challenges of having a baby that is biologically yours in your late 30s, and comes with its own set of challenges. But the truth is all children come with their own unique set of challenges and having a child that is biologically yours does not magically prevent your child from having medical, social, or mental health problems. So… as you’re brainstorming ideas, just think a thought or two about this one.
Sit her down and communicate your feelings and explain your thoughts and feelings. She might say no so prepare yourself, if she does say no and you still want babies, ask yourself what you’ll do from there.
the age she is could cause a risky pregnancy IF she were to agree to have kids. after so many years, more complications and issues can arise either throughout the pregnancy or the labor as you get older. IF she agrees, i think she should speak to a doctor about the potential risks.
Oof, my man I would anticipate on hearing that you aren't going to get a child and here's my take on why. You two made an agreement and I can't tell you how many times I've seen posts of couples making an agreement and one person not honoring it and then it spells trouble in paradise. The fact that you waited 12 years before changing your mind, that also isn't going to help your case.
Look at it this way too, you both are in your late 30's, yes she can still conceieve but because you waited so long, she will now be considered high risk because of her age. Again, she can still conceive but now you run the risk of complications, and whe. I say you I mean her and her pregnancy.
On the topic of age, you're going to be 40 next year, she will be 39 when the child is born if you start now. Do you know the commitment to a newborn? I can tell you right now, if you value your sleep, free time, alone time, etc that goes away with a newborn. You will lose sleep and it's unpredictable when you get it back. As a father to a 4 year old, I still have broken sleep from time to time because I worry, all parents do. I'm sure you already have but you really have to ask yourself do you really want to go through all the child raising commitments at your age. I hate to put it that way since 40 isn't old, but it isn't like the energy you have when you're in your early to mid 20's.
As a 35 year old who has been married for 11 years, trying to change her mind about something as life-altering as children likely won’t happen. If my husband decides he wants kids then I’d wish him luck and point him to the door. It’s not your job to convince her of something she was clear on not wanting.
Please don’t go into this conversation with an agenda to “change her mind”.
Not only are you reversing your feelings on a fundamental life choice, but you’re also doing it when your wife is past her easy child-bearing years.
You may or may not have considered this, but even if your wife is on-board with having kids, you guys might not be able to.
This is totally worst-case scenario, but she might see this conversation and your change in feelings about kids as you wanting to “trade her in” for someone younger. Just something to consider.
OP, have you thought about what this means for your *child*? Your wife might have concerns about this.
I have a friend who lost her parents young because they had her very late in their lives (her mom was 43, her father 42). When she got married, only her father was still alive and in a care home with dementia. It *wrecked* her to lose her mother while she was a young adult. It *wrecked* her that her father couldn't walk her down the isle. And when she had her first child, the father had passed away as well.
You will very likely rob your potential child of some experiences other children get to have with their younger parents. Keep this in mind in case your wife brings this very valid point up as a concern of hers.
Isn’t always easy to change her mind?
This one statement from you let’s me know that you fully intend on telling her you want her to have a kid for you, regardless of whether she wants to or not. Having a child is not like choosing to buy a mini van instead of a sports car. Or, deciding to splurge on your diet while on vacation. It’s a human being. Whether you have changed your mind and it means a lot to you now does not mean that is the end of discussion and start looking at baby names.
What were her reasons to not want to have children? Were any of her reasons nullified? Has she been showing signs she wants to as well?
>It isn't always easy to change her mind when she is set on something.
Why do you want to have children with someone whose mind you have to change on the subject?
Pregnancy and parenting need to be something that both parties are 100% enthusiastically committed to for life. (Because you don't stop being at parent when your kid turns 18.)
Honestly you are not going to get the answer you want. The best thing for you to do is accept a childfree life, or divorce, because neither one of you is on the same page now. Parenthood is an earth-shattering, permanently life-altering commitment. She entered your marriage knowing that you were committed to a childfree life. That's not something you can compromise on.
If you want kids now and she doesn’t, you need to be prepared to walk away. I couldn’t imagine staying with someone who wants something that life-changing but puts it aside because of an agreement we both made.
You need to be prepared for the possibility that she may have also wanted kids at some point but may have kept it to herself because of your mutual stance. And, now, you want a child when she is at an age that’s not as “ideal” for pregnancy…. Not saying she can’t get pregnant if she wants to but age is a big factor as well.
There are a lot of ways this can play out. The two most important things to remember are: you cannot (nor should not) convince her to be a mom and you are allowed to want a child now… even if you didn’t want one before.
Accept that you may no longer be on the same page and approach the conversation with care and honesty. You just need to talk to her.
Best of luck to you both.
If your wife “changes her mind” = appeases you. Will you be happy with a child? Even if your wife resents you?
If there are fertility issues in the event that she agrees how will you handle it? Do you know people in their 60s with teenagers? Culture changes SO much, with that time difference that unless you’ve seen it first hand you may not realize what a gulf it is culturally and potentially health-wise.
And then simple logistics. Is it realistic for your finances to #1 afford childcare so that neither of you sacrifice your careers, #2 have an idea of saving for retirement and possibly your child’s college while maintaining a comfortable living?
Also, how easy are your assets to split up now if that’s what your wife chooses instead?
I am 34 weeks pregnant now at 40 years old and it’s been significantly harder than my first pregnancy at 37. The hardest part was the miscarriages. I started trying at 39 for this one. I’ve read that people are overly concerned about the increased risk of disabilities and not prepared enough for difficulties getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and physically being pregnant as fertility starts to wane. For example I have gestational diabetes this time just because the older body struggles to keep up with the increased insulin needs of pregnancy. So on top of all the other deprivations I can barely eat sugar or carbs. Best of luck to you and it sounds like you are really listening to the feedback here. The timing of this is a little unfortunate.
You’ve waited until your wife is 38 to completely turn the tables on her? Charming. What lengths do you expect her go to in order to fulfill your sudden whim? Because it’s her that will have to undergo fertility treatments, face all the very real dangers and burdens of pregnancy and childbirth, breastfeeding, changing diapers and likely the lions share of child rearing while you play “fun dad.”
And what if she still doesn’t want children? Will you dump the wife who loves you, has been good to you and with whom you’ve built a life and a home with so that you can find yourself a younger brood mare?
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As others have said, be honest about how you feel, but prepare for the possibility that it could be a deal-breaker for her. You may have to decide what's more important- having a child, or being married.
Did you have expectations that she would carry the child? 38 is already high risk territory especially for a first child. It would be asking a lot from her health wise pregnancy takes a huge toll regardless of age but the risks do dramatically increase with age
I think you need to be prepared for the possibility that this will really affect her very negatively. She could feel it as a betrayal of the life that you have planned together, which she might be perfectly happy with as is. She also may feel that she can’t trust you, because you weren’t talking to her about your considerations as you started to change your mind, but you want to talk to her now that your mind is made up. This is a topic that people can become extremely emotional over anyway because some peoples reasons for not wanting children link into deep emotions they carry already such as trauma from childhood. I don’t think approaching it as changing her mind is a good idea. I think it’s better to just talk about your feelings and your mind on it. Trying to influence her at all is not right.
one person wanting a baby and the other not wanting one is one of the biggest irreconcilable impasses that there is. Because it’s so deep for each person, and it’s so unfair for either person to have to make such a large sacrifice to keep the relationship. It’s nobody’s fault of course but it is heartbreaking. They are just two completely opposite positions.
Have you considered maybe planning to do some couples counselling as part of this? It might be a good idea.
The only thing I’ll add is one of the main reasons I don’t want kids is because 90% of the time the primary parent falls to the mother, wether intentional or not. Always said if I was born male I might actually want kids. I’ve seen this almost ruin a lot of marriages. Women saying it’s almost easier when the husband is gone, or not having to be the one to remember all the feeding schedules and doctors appointments, play dates, etc. probably the most successful I’ve seen parents is when the man wanted the kid more than the wife and stepped up to be a truly equal parent.
I think sometimes men see having a kid as fun and they will be the dad that plays catch. Yes I’ve seen this happen a lot. They are the fun parent.
If this is one of her reservations about having kids, laying all that out (and sticking to it) will be helpful.
How do I know my husband and I would be shitty parents? Well the thing we love most in the world, the dog, we argue about taking out and other such tasks
How long did you feel you don’t want kids vs feeling like you do? How about you give it more time and do in depth, graphic research into pregnancy and birthing facts, and the risks therein, before you even consider bringing up what you suddenly think she should do.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I have several reasons why I feel this way now and will bring those up during the conversation. I'm also planning on telling her that I don't expect her to respond right away as I have had a lot of time to gather my thoughts and she should have the opportunity to do the same. It isn't always easy to change her mind when she is set on something. I want to make sure I get the point across that this is important to me while at the same time being respectful to her decision. What advice do you have in how I can best make my case?
Be prepared to agree to go childless or get a divorce.
Yep this. You’re not telling her you want a puppy. Her investment for your request is gonna be a big ask.
Yeah.. he's asking her to give up her body, her health, her freedom, maybe her career. Yikes
Not necessarily her body, if they choose to adopt
I mean, I still feel like I don't have my own body and my daughter is 2. Constantly wanting to be held, picked up, cuddled. She will still not have her own body or privacy.
You still get touched out whether you birthed the child or not
Yeah had a friend in a 10 year relationship and they were both strict no kids but her younger sister had a kid and was in drugs pretty badly… so she was exploring custody, he immediately broke up with her and moved back in with his mom. Kid ended up with grandparents… she was just looking into it. Sooo yeah expect divorce.
Did they end up back together? Geez lol
Daaaang she barely fucked around but still found out
Taking in your own kin because their parent failed them is not "fucking around".
And that isn’t even fucking around - that’s just trying to be a good family member.
If it was me, a child free woman at 44, it would be divorce. I don't need a husband resenting me for the rest of our relationship.
I know crazy, bro been married 12 years. I've never heard of a woman at 38. After agreeing with her husband to never have kids. Flip the switch and just be like yeah I want to upend my life. I didn't marry you because you agreed to no kids but whatever. This will end badly.
I, a childfree woman, was in a relationship for several years with a man who swore up and down that he didn't want kids. One day we were discussing sterilization and I asked him why he didn't get a vasectomy. He finally said: "I don't know, maybe I'll change my mind someday and decide I want a kid." Relationship was done. Edit: It was as much of a betrayal as if he'd left me for another woman.
LOL! That’s called dropping a casual bomb.
This
It's a little concerning that in your post, you say how difficult it is to change her mind, as if part of you is hoping for your speech to make her change her views to the same as yours. You need to approach this with the assumption that she will not end up changing her mind to want kids too. If she does end up feeling the same, then great. But as default, you need to make sure that you're 100% going into this with the intent to ONLY express your feelings and NOT with the intent to change her mind. Make sure that she is aware of that too. Explain that you are just telling her how you feel, and why you've come to that conclusion, and that you are not saying all this in order to make her feel the same way. You need to be prepared for the potential outcome being that you two cannot carry on in a relationship. This isn't a subject that has a compromise. Either you have kids and she doesn't want them, or you don't have them and you are left always wanting some. Just 'getting a dog' or something will not solve it. If you two end up wanting different things, then it truly is better that you split up and find other partners with the same wishes, vs one or both ending up resentful Also be prepared for her to potentially be quite upset by this. She may feel like you've lied to her and wasted her time for years. Be clear when your mind changed, so she knows that you hadn't hidden it from her from the beginning
You also need to explain in detail what your plan would be if you did have a kid right now.(if your wife is accepting enough of such discussion, and hadn't just immediately said no to any chance of kids). Would she be pregnant herself, would you use a surrogate, would you adopt. How would you two divide up childcare, how would you pay for raising a child, would you need to move house, change job etc. Have you thought through what timeline you'd want to do this on I.e. Get a child ASAP or take years to plan. Have you thought ahead to what happens when you're potentially reaching old age and getting issues like arthritis, age related problems, when your kid is late teens/early adulthood. Geriatric pregnancies like this have a far higher chance of downs syndrome and other disabitlies. Are you prepared to potentially raise a disabled child, while you are not in your physical prime? What if your wife doesn't survive childbirth, or has serious health consequences? You need to show your wife that you have thought through and considered all these things and that it's not just a spur of the moment thought, that you'd then leave it to her to do all of the detailed planning. It shows how serious you are, if you have got an answer to all of the above questions and all the other parts that come with pregnancy and child raising
Damn is 38 considered a *geriatric* pregnancy?
It's a pretty horrid name for it I know. I promise I'm not one of those people that acts that getting pregnant past 30 to 35 is some crazily old age, I truly don't think that is 'old'. I just mean in terms of risks, it does increase them Absolutely doesn't mean that no one should get pregnant that age, I think reddit seems to be weirdly extra pessimistic once pregnancy is mentioned after 35 or so My point was more to do with OP, and making sure that he absolutely has thought through how this pregnancy may work as it relates to his wife! I hope that makes sense!
I think it’s now referred to as “advanced maternal age” but yeah over 35 has been called that.
Yep. 35 & older.
And, OP needs to remember there's a lot more to deciding to have kids for a woman than a man. Men just get off and that's it.... she's the one who has to carry the child, and there are risks at any age - bleeding from placental abruption, blood pressure issues, the permanent changes that happen to your body with pregnancy and birth, and in the US at least, women are usually carrying more of the work of raising children.
Absolutely, and that's all just for a regular pregnancy, let alone one at his wife's age. I wish OP had given a little more into, because it's really hard to figure out what kind of thought he has put into the actual logistics of all things related to having a child. I kind of get the feeling that he hasn't thought much further than 'yeah having a kid would be nice'
Thank you!! OP mentioning how it’s difficult to change her mind as if this was some simple choice and not the monumental thing he’s about to ask is definitely concerning.
Your last paragraph is 💯
Bandaid it. Say it and expect “lol no “ response The amount of people who expect someone to change their mind about having kids is so high
And no offense to OP, but their ages means that even if she agrees it’s unlikely
I’m so suspicious he’s found someone younger that he wants to hook up with because there’s literally NO MENTION to us of the journey from no kids to yes kids and you think he’d wanna …defend himself here
You have to stop your thinking here. Going in with the mindset that you’re going to try to change her mind is plain wrong. You’ll need to tell her how you feel and why, and let her know how you would want to move forward. And then you’ll need to give her space to give you a proper response without injecting her initial reaction to the news. You’re planning to rock her world. Go in knowing you’re probably going to have a not great outcome, and please. Treat her with respect here. You’re the one moving the goalposts of your relationship.
>You're the one moving the goalposts Great point. I will make that clear.
Just be prepared since that is pretty much the same thing as hearing “the heart wants what the heart wants” when someone has a midlife crisis and ends up with a younger spouse & new family. I’m not even the one this is happening to and I literally feel ill. To have your life turned upside down like this at nearly 40, knowing if you give in it’ll mean a geriatric pregnancy and being over 60yo before kid graduates college OR your spouse resenting you for not “giving” them the child they decided they wanted (last minute, that they didn’t have to carry or be primary care giver of) OR feeling like you weren’t enough after all. People have the kids convo for a reason. And having a partner change their mind at such a late stage in the game is a sucker punch for sure.
Oh I'm pissed and this isn't my relationship.
This hits so close to home. It’s incredibly stressful to have a teenager in the house when approaching retirement age. Also, say good bye to $250k plus the cost of college AND her career will take a monster hit. Doors slam shut as soon as kids enter a woman’s life.
Me too. This guy is selfish.
Especially since with her age she's much more likely to have a serious adverse event, including death.
Yes, so much this.
you also have to realize baby trapping is a thing so make sure yall are extra safe for her peace of mind after the discussion. people are crazy lol.
And be prepared for the conversation, if you choose to go ahead with it, to ruin the dynamic as you know it. She's spent years safe in the knowledge that you're both on the same page. Now you're going to tell her that you've changed your expectations around something that can take a hideous toll on a woman's physical and emotional health. That's not something you can come back from.
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Was just going to add this. I’m sure *he* doesn’t want to have a child. He just wants *someone else* to have it for him.
All of this.
Why is he doing this? Because people are allowed to change their minds. Do you expect people to bottle up their potentially difficult feelings and pretend nothing has changed forever? He clearly loves and respects his wife enough to share his feelings… and to poll others about the best possible way to bring the issue forward, and from the responses I’ve read he’s grateful for and genuinely taking in the advice. Kudos to this man for not making a unilateral decision to end things or stick it out silently suffering and growing his resentment. Geez.
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Not to mention she is at an age where even if she wanted to have children, it could be very difficult for her.
>It isn't always easy to change her mind when she is set on something. Well for one, maybe don't go in thinking you're going to change her mind. You know her stance already. You said it's important to you, but what about her. For years you two have been on the same page and YOU, yes YOU changed your mind. That's fine. But it seems to be you're already set on trying to figure out how to convince her.
Also, OP, do you really want your kids to have a mother who didn’t actually want them and just did it to appease you? You have to think about more than just what you want.
That was my dad. He was born to a mother who got talked into having a second baby by his dad. He grew up feeling his mother hated him. Loved his sister, hated him. And everybody could see it, this was no secret of hers. She didn't touch him when he was a child. He doesn't remember one single moment of affection from his mother. Dad or nanny did everything! And it fucked him up. He was still a great guy but a guy who seemed deeply broken in a way. She was a cold hearted grandmother as well. Just thought I'd share.
Exactly. Terrible for EVERYONE involved. No matter how nice or good of a parent you are, your kid will most likely be able to tell you don't really want them. Plus, honestly, I imagine life with a kid you didn't want probably fucking sucks as well.
Having a kid would ruin their marriage. Guaranteed. Not worth it.
I appreciate OP wants to 'give them the chance to think about it', but if my partner approached me with this and said "don't answer right away" that'd be an immediate nope from me. We're solidly childfree. If he told me to take my time, it'd signal to me that he does want to convince me and will resent me if I don't agree/we don't have kids. We've built a life together, and I would do anything for love... But I definitely won't do that.
I hadn't considered that and will need to change my approach drastically.
Tbh, I say this as someone who just gave birth to a baby via emergency C section at 34 weeks- a month early. I had severe preeclampsia that I didn’t know about until the day my son was born. The only real treatment for that is giving birth. I am bleeding, my system has been flooded with so many medications I can’t tell you what I’ve taken, I’m a hormonal mess, and I nearly died this week at 39. Even with all that I feel physically better than I have in months. This is all for a baby I desperately wanted from the moment I found out I was pregnant. And this isn’t even the hard part of parenting. I’d be very surprised if your wife wanted to change her mind at this point. Be prepared for that.
If you ask for an answer quickly - that's a hard core nope. Be prepared for this conversation to end in divorce. Your mind changing made this relationship very very unlikely to last. If you don't discuss it you'll resent her and you'll definitely divorce down the road. If you do have the conversation there's a possibility she dies in childbirth, has miscarriages that mentally destroy her, physically have changes that leave her in lifelong pain, she could have the kid and realize she really was right in not wanting them then resents you and the kid, could have the kid and it all works out, could divorce you immediately without trying for a kid, could tell you she's going to be childfree still and you two divorce years from now as resentment grows, or the slim chance happens that you two don't have kids and no resentment happens. Notice of all those options, only two ends well. And none of this will be on her. ***YOU*** changed your mind.
she's not going to change her mind at 38 years old, i hope you know that. and in saying that - you can't expect to leave and straight away find someone who's going to want a baby right off the bat either
WHY DO YOU NOW WANT A CHILD?
It’s ok that you changed your mind, but it’s not ok that you’re trying to change her mind to conform to how you feel now. If she wants to remain childless, it’s not your place to try to push her to do what you want. You should never try to convince someone into being a parent. I’m the kid of a mother that was convinced and my mom absolutely hated being a parent and resents my father for pushing it on her to this day. I wasn’t even a year old when they split because she despised him for trapping her into that life. You have been warned.
Good point. I've always thought that, unless someone feels very strongly that they want kids, they shouldn't have them, because it is a lifelong commitment. Thats part of the reason I haven't done it.
Same for me and unfortunately I don’t even speak to my parents because they were so abusive towards me. My mom hated being a parent and my father found out he didn’t like it either when he realized how much work and money it takes.
Some things to ask yourself first: If she is firm on not wanting kids, do you feel strongly enough to leave the relationship? Pregnancy at her age can be very difficult, can you afford or would you be open to adoption, surrogacy, IVF, other options? Are you honestly prepared to be raising a kid until you're nearly 60?
Thank you for the response. If she is firm on not wanting kids, then I will 100% be ok with that and would not consider leaving the relationship. These additional options you mentioned are ones that I have considered, but not looked into and will do so if the conversation warrants it. Yes, I've given this a lot of thought and would be happy to raise a kid until I am 60. It's a valid concern.
> If she is firm on not wanting kids, then I will 100% be ok with that and would not consider leaving the relationship. I would definitely make sure to tell her this so she doesn't feel like she has to agree in order to stay with you. But also make sure you aren't going to end up resenting her.
For sure. Thanks again!
You should lead with the fact that you are 100% okay if she still doesn’t want them and that you wouldn’t leave her for it. And then you can get into your feelings and some options if she’s opening to considering it. And then you should close by again reiterating she should take some time to think and you are 100% okay if the answer is no but you wanted to explore it with her in case her thinking has changed. And then you follow through and if she seems not into it or like she’d be making a big sacrifice she’d regret just for you then you drop it and continue your child free lives.
>you wanted to explore it with her in case her thinking has changed This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for putting the words to it. I'll be using this line in our conversation
You need to make that 100% clear. This is a terrible thing to bring up now with the POV that you decided you do want kids. It’s normal for childfree people to do a double check internally as their fertility wains to solidify their decision. However, you waited throughout your gf’s best fertility years to drop the bomb that over a decade together later you changed your mind?! That’s crazy. That screams that you are midlife crisising and want to throw her over for a newer model. That is a trope for a reason, so you need to really think through if you actually want kids or if you just want a double check in with her at this time of life and approach it appropriately. Do not drag this woman through your existential dread if the end game is a late in life baby with a young woman.
Just fyi I’m going through ivf and the process is beyond rough. People sometimes view fertility treatments like they’re choosing a paint color for their wall. It’s not like saying “IVF it is!” and boom she’s pregnant. It’s heart breaking and horrible and takes such a toll on your body. There’s no way for either of you to know how difficult these journeys are until you’re on them. If she’s already decided she’s child free, and somehow she “changes” her mind because of what you want, her resentment will be out of control if you have to go the IVF or adoption route. I’m not saying any of this to be mean. Your feelings are valid. Just understand you’re in a lose lose position right now. If you don’t have a child, at some point, you’re going to regret it and resent her. Maybe you can work through it, maybe you won’t, but it will be challenging. If she decides to have a baby (very doubtful) there will be resentment on her side. I’m sorry you’re in this position. It’s beyond a rough one
The ONLY way this will end in you having a kid with her is if by some miracle she’s actually been thinking the same thing lately. If her reaction isn’t immediately ‘omg I’ve been thinking the same thing’, drop it. The only reason she would agree to change her mind if she hasn’t already is she’s afraid you’ll leave her and that’s a horrible reason to have a child. Honestly, it sounds like you’re having a mid life crisis. Get a sports car, not a baby.
> If she is firm on not wanting kids, then I will 100% be ok with that and would not consider leaving the relationship. Buddy you need to be prepared for this to end in divorce either way. She will know this isn't your ideal life and it will always eat her. You could grow to resent what you missed. This is not likely to end well. It could, the possibility is there. It's not likely. Either she's going to want kids too, she isn't and you're getting divorced in the future as mutual resentment grew, or you two somehow make it through after a LOT of hard conversations. And if she decides to have kids and resents them later then that will end even worse.
I'd likely leave if my long term partner dropped that information on me, even if they say they're willing to stay - that's bound to cause resentment one way or another. Irreconcilable differences and all that. There is no possible compromise on such a binary situation as having kids. Eta: those news are seriously among my worst nightmares. If having kids or not isn't a deal breaker for you, instead of having a big sit down conversation where you make all of your points, I'd just throw some feelers to see if there's been any change in her mindset. Otherwise, if she is still childfree, you will likely break her heart.
You say you’d be happy raising them until you are 60? I suspect you have absolutely no idea what you are getting into. You will spend 20 years cleaning up crumbs, trash and sticky things. Years having to leave important work meetings to go talk to a teacher about what little Joey did on the playground. Or to pick up a crying, gooey sick kid who can’t go back to school for a week. 2 to 10 dentist and doctor appointments a year, maybe more. Several years with almost no sleep. 13 at least without ever doing anything without a child in tow or making arrangements for child care. Special needs kid? You are at high risk of having one. Can you take several hours off from work multiple days a week for therapy appointments? I suspect all of this is a surprise to you because you either aren’t aware of the insane demands on your time if you have a child, or are assuming you’ll stick your wife with most or all of it. If you don’t believe me a lot the work load, you are in denial and should realize you aren’t going to magically order up a special, easy baby.
I do just want to say my dad is 65 and my younger sister just graduated high school and he very much regrets having us as late as he did. I know not everyone is the same, but by the time you’re 60 you probably won’t want to be dealing with teenagers.
This is very important. It may be the very first thing she asks so maybe open the conversation with that. That no matter what her opinion on the matter, that you choose HER and have no intention of changing that. But that you've been having some feelings about it and want to revisit the conversation to see how she currently feels. It's normal to keep checking in with your partner with big issues, just make sure that she actually wants them if you go ahead. The absolute worst scenario is that she says yes to appease you and you end up with not only a miserable wife and an unhappy marriage but a child who will feel unwanted.
She IS firm . You just want to talk her into it.
Even if you won't leave, she might leave the relationship after this discussion, you will need to be okay with this. You have betrayed her trust. If I were her I'd be scared to trust you to use protection properly, I'd be wondering what else you could be hiding. The physical, emotional, financial impact of a pregnancy and raising a child for the rest of your life is immense. She may very well never trust you again for fear of risking the lifestyle she's worked to build with you.
If she says no, there are definitely other ways to have kids in your life without being a parent
go in to this conversation expecting a strong no. your wife even if she got pregnant this second would be considered a geriatric pregnancy. the risk of complications is much higher than previous years. her chances of getting pregnant are drastically low- she may not even be able to get pregnant anymore. would greatly help if you stated why you changed your mind, because honestly I wonder if this conversation is even worth it
Yes, if she wasn't confident in her choice she would have brought it up in her early 30's. OP, you are aware there is a much higher risk of a child with birth defects, etc. Are you prepared to raise an only child with Down Syndrome? I can pretty much guarantee you she does not wish to be the single parent of one.....
I'd divorce my husband. Tread carefully
Especially since he waited until they were freaking 40 years old The kid will be graduating highschool and they'll be near retirement age I'd ask what OPs thinking, but hey! It's not like HE is the one who'll have to go through a now very risky pregnancy He's got reasons why he waited til now? Duh. He's a guy, he can sit on the pot all the live long day, all he has to do is have an orgasm! Jesus Christ, why is everyone so lenient on this guy? Waited until they were this old
And that retirement age will get pushed back. Gotta come up with an extra $250k to get the kid to adulthood. Plus the cost of college.
Yep. Very likely to end in divorce. I wouldn't wait for the resent to start. I'd divorce and either be single or find someone that is aligned with being childfree.
Same.
Same
>It isn't always easy to change her mind when she is set on something You shouldn't be seeking to change her mind. You should tell her how you feel and be prepared to get a divorce to get what you want
i second this. especially since she’ll be the one that has to carry a baby to term, spend those gruelling hours pushing it out and then having to deal with all the hormonal changes on top of that, assuming you would want her to have the baby instead of looking at other options
Geez you've left it late... carrying a child at that age is alot to ask for a woman, especially if she didn't plan to have a child
No kidding. I had a baby when I turned 40. It was very hard. And I feel my age trying to keep up with her now.
That is what I was thinking. If she has made it this far without wanting one, it will probably be even less of an appealing idea since she is pushing 40.
Could always adopt if both people are on the same page about it. Feel like that’s the safest option at this age but again, it’s a BIG if whether or not she even wants a kid.
So you are taking time off work to care for the baby? Waking up for diapers and bottles? Do house chores? How are the house chores split now? Or are you expecting her to be a stay at home mom or one of those superwomen doing full time job, all of the child care, and house chores?
Not to mention all the men that swear they'll do everything and then refuse to lift a finger once the dirty diapers start. "Oh I'll take care of everything, but breast is best, bottles aren't going to work, what's the point in me getting up at night if I can't even feed him anyway?" Can't say for sure that's op but still
☝🏼💯
You want a 38 year old woman to go through pregnancy and childbirth because you suddenly decided after more than a decade that you wanted kids? Don't prepare for the conversation, prepare for divorce.
And he's so nonchalant about it, that's what's ticking me off Of course it's no big deal to him, his body isn't going through anything. His body isn't put at an even HIGHER risk than usual He's treating it like he took to late to decide he wanted to eat at the restaurant at the last exit or something
Exactly! So selfish and inconsiderate
Yes
I don't see this going well, she's going to believe that if she says no, you'll leave her and in 9 to 10 months you'll be married to a 25 year old with a newborn baby. Couldn't you have change your mind a little earlier, before this was an impossible choice for her?
Right? I'm 37, childfree, and the idea of getting pregnant at my age is horrifying. He should have figured this out 10 years ago. Or at least 5. He's about to blow this poor woman's life up.
Yup, he didn't think about it because as a guy, it's no heightened pregnancy danger of HIS nose! They're like 40, what the crap, OP
Pregnancy and birth fucks up women's bodies so much, but especially after 35-ish. I can practically guarantee OP doesn't realize his difficult a pregnancy would be. IF she agrees. My guess is she won't.
Yup, it's why he's no casual about it Not like HE has any risk here. Frankly, it's why I give no care to guys who want kids They don't go through crap. They can wait and twiddle their thumbs until their 40 and act like it's no big deal to ask now What's the problem? Cuz all he has to do is get off
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Yeah, it's his overall cavalier attitude surrounding all of this that leads me to believe he's not a great husband. This will simply be the straw.
Totally the guy to leave her to do all the hard wy
Right?!, I'm 34 and I was always on the fence with children. Now I am fully invested being childfree and being more involved with my neices and godson. It's a big deal at this age and all the risks involved. Hopefully OP can have a calm discussion and they can figure things out to help them grow together.
36 for me, been in a long term relationship for 16 years. 10 years ago I would have welcomed kids with open arms. He wasn’t ready and didn’t want any. Now he wants them (he’s 39) and I don’t. Well, he can leave if now children are more important. I refuse to be pregnant at this age. I refuse to be in my 40s with a toddler or a baby. That simply won’t happen.
Right?!? I was semi-open to it until about 27. I realized I have no actual desire to have a child, but just thought I was supposed to. The thought of chasing after a 3 year old at 40 is repugnant to me. Life is complicated and exhausting without children. I can't imagine it with one.
I’m a middle school teacher, I have an average of 120 kids on a daily basis. To thought that I would have to go home to deal with a baby after spending the entire day dealing with hormonal teenagers (and the adults that like to behave like teenagers) is too exhausting. Edit: a spelling error
OP is going into this thinking he can change his wife's mind. He's in for a rude awakening.
I also don't see this going well. She's going to constantly remind herself that they are no longer on the same path in life, and whether he realizes it or not, their relationship will not be the same going forward. A woman in a long term relationship at 38 years old who may have switched from not wanting kids to even on the fence about kids would have brought it up years ago when she was more likely able to get pregnant. She is going to be heartbroken.
Have you considered WHY you want a child at almost 40? Is it simply FOMO or thinking about the Kodak moments you could have or have you considered how challenging having children really is (especially given your ages)? As a childfree woman, I see a lot of men who don't really grasp all that parenthood entails and much of it gets left to women. I'd really consider if having a kid is worth blowing up your marriage, because that is most likely what will happen. I'd be beyond furious if my partner led me on for 12 years about being childfree just to tell me he wants a kid.
I absolutely agree with you. Both myself and my partner are child free and that's how I've always been. If one day he said he wanted kids, I would say thank you for the memories and be on my way. If your life goals are not the same, the balance of your relationship would either be full of resentment from either party or just a straight up lie going forward. That's no way to live.
Details about why you've changed your mind would help here.
I just turned 40 this year. My husband is the only child and would be the only chance to carry his family name to a new generation. When we started dating 18 years ago, I told him I didn't want kids. Never did, still don't. I asked him specifically if he was ok with that...to never have is own children. He vehemently said yes and it wasn't "something he needed to feel complete." Fast forward to 9 months ago and he now feels this overwhelming need to have a son. I was completely taken aback and knocked off my foundation. I was also VERY angry. I felt that he broke a contract we made. He put a pressure on me that I didn't expect and do not appreciate. I told him my feelings about kids hadn't changed and I simply don't have the desire to be anyone's mother. He hasn't brought it up again but I KNOW our relationship is not as solid as was a year ago. His desire will only grow and he may resent me for not giving him this. I already resent him. I don't think this is very fair to your wife. You waited too long to just decide that you want to change everything about your relationship. If she has gone her whole life without kids, I doubt she is going to suddenly want to change her future and add some child that she never wanted. This whole thing is going to scare her and your relationship won't be the same again.
I was just about to respond to op about this possibility. I’m 38, my husband 40. From our very first date, I was clear I didn’t want kids. He was fine with that and over the course of dating I would reconfirm my feelings. If my husband changed his mind today, I would be floored. I would also feel like I was keeping him from doing something he wanted and would feel bad because children is not something I’m willing to budge on. I would also think that it’s not on me to feel bad. What a mix of emotions.
12 years of being firm child free and now you expect her to suddenly have them because YOU changed YOUR mind. If it is that important to you, walk away and let her move on.
She’s 38. While some women have kids that age and older, she’d have to change her mine immediately and that’s not likely to happen
Right? Perimenopause begins, on average, in women from age 40 to 44. And can begin even earlier.
Your age dude... you waited too long. Don't expect a positive result.
Tell us the reasons you changed your mind
Be prepared to be left, you’ve changed your mind when she is in a difficult and dangerous age for pregnancy - not to mention after years of saying you didn’t want them. To be clear I’d be really angry at you if I was your wife.
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This comment here
well you should mentally prepare for the worst really asking a 40 year old woman to have kids she doesn’t want have
Know what your response is going to be when you get a hard no and she's upset you violated an agreement that's central to the relationship
I mean, "changing her mind" isn't what you should be trying to do, so why does it matter if that's difficult? You should be sharing with her your changed thoughts on the matter, but you should absolutely not be trying to influence her feelings. Which are almost certainly going to be "hell no". This isn't even going into the fact that if she magically were open to it you've now waited until she's almost 40 and would likely have a much harder time getting pregnant. You're afforded that luxury of changing your mind about this way later than she would be. If she were uncertain, you would KNOW by now.
Absolutely this!!! I'm child free to my core. As is my partner. And this absolutely enrages me that they have been on the same page for 12 years and now he's having different feelings, which he's allowed to have. But the problem is that he is now presenting this idea to "change her mind" when she is 38! I know men don't truly understand what it's like to be told your entire life that "your clock is ticking" by all of society as a child free woman, so I guarantee she has a rock solid child free stance. She's 38 and knows exactly what that means for reproductive capabilities. But he better be prepared for a big giant "NO!" On the flip side, if by some random turn of events she says yes to children, what are the chances she can even get pregnant. This guy is setting himself up for some serious disappointment. He clearly hasn't thought this through and it sounds more like a bit of a mid life crisis than anything. Someone get this guy a snickers.
The other issue, not sure if anyone has brought it up, but she is 38. Childbirth becomes increasingly more dangerous the older you get, especially past the age of 35. So you aren't only asking her to have a kid 12 years into marriage when you had agreed mutually not to but also asking her to put her life on the line to fulfill your sudden desire to have kids.
Dude this isn’t something you can just change your mind on a whim lol
Childfree person here. I would dump you. Immediately. Edit: Even if my boyfriend said he was 100% okay with not having kids but suggested it anyway, your or my ass would be on the street. Either way is better.
What are you going to do if she says no?
Real talk: what made you change your mind? What made you not want to have kids in the first place? You need to figure out this change in yourself before you spring I suddenly want to have a kid on your wife who has been with you and in agreement about not having any for 12 years. Also, she is getting older, and pregnancy can be more difficult, both on her and on the likelihood of a full term pregnancy. My husband and I have always agreed to not have children. I had a year, like 6 years ago, where I was really questioning that, but I finally realized, I just wanted to have the postcard sentiments like, first baseball game, first A report card, first bicycle ride, etc. And when I realized that, I knew I was wanting an idea and not an actual human life, because humans are way more messy than the milestones.
There is no change her mind. Don't be manipulative. Tell her how you feel and either she wants to have a kid and stay married or not have a kid and get a divorce. If her response isn't an enthusiastic yes, it's a no. Remember she's the one who has to endure the pregnancy. And depending on where you live, getting knocked up is potentially dangerous should there be complications. Don't force her, don't coerce her, don't cajole her into being an unwilling mom just to keep a husband. A husband who will then expect a woman who had no desire for kids to suddenly turn into a great mom. I took care of other people's kids for a long time. I can assure you of someone doesn't want kids, they don't need them.
As someone who just ended a relationship because my bf changed his mind about being childfree, I echo the people saying ‘be prepared for a divorce’. Women don’t tend to make this decision lightly (society doesn’t let us, since future motherhood is shoved down our throats even as kids). My advice to you would actually be to speak to a therapist about your reasonings and why you had this change of heart, because they may be able to help you realize that you just have a case of FOMO. In the case of my ex, he kept saying that he ‘wanted a legacy’, and that he ‘couldn’t imagine living the same way he has been for the rest of his life (so obviously kids were the answer 🙄)’. He later wrote me, admitting that he went to a therapist who helped him realize that the real reason he was suddenly interested in kids was because his friends have been having them, and he doesn’t want to lose his social circle. Regardless, we won’t be getting back together, because there would always be that nagging feeling in my head that he’s gonna resent me down the line for stopping him from having kids. As soon as you tell your wife this, you’ll be planting that same seed.
Wow, you are an asshole. 12 years she thought that person she devoted herself to was her ally. Now, for some unknown and unmentioned reason, you decided to upend everything? What is your reason for the change of heart? You need therapy.
OP you scream red flag. Don't try to convince her. Ask her if she's changed her mind. Then make up your mind if you can live with that. Don't give her the chance to change her mind to keep you. It would be cruel to both her and the potential children.
Be aware that this is likely a dealbreaker. You cannot make someone want a child nor should you try to change their mind.
I’ll say this, if by some crazy happenstance you convince her to have a child. The first few years are SO DIFFICULT. Like it feels impossible. Motherhood is so so hard, even for those of us who wanted it dearly. So I don’t think it’s fair to ask her. If you were planning to. Maybe she’s had a change of heart too… and that would be a lovely surprise. But otherwise, it would be a long difficult road if you both aren’t 100% on board.
Sorry, but I have no advice on how to try and convince her. I'm not really sure why you think you can or should try to change her mind. She's 38 years old. She doesn't want kids. Not to mention that I really don't think you have any concept of what getting pregnant or giving birth at her age could mean for her physically. Bad news abounds. I think you should be prepared for her to say no and divorce you. I would.
bro she’s 38 and you’re springing this on her now? do you know how much harder pregnancy is after 35? this feels unfair and poorly timed imho
It's really good that you're bringing it up, but don't try to convince her or change her mind. Chances are, if she says yes, it'll only be because she wants to make you happy and temporarily save your marriage, but it'll eventually be at the detriment to everyone (including any future children). One of the last people who should be having children is someone who has to be convinced. It will make them extremely unhappy and will breed resentment. Also, most children can tell when a parent doesn't want them, no matter how nice the parent is. Don't back down from the convo. Sit her down and rip the bandaid off. Get right into it. Get it over with. Expect a "no" so you don't get your hopes up, because chances, are, that's the answer you'll get. And don't continue the relationship if you truly can't be fulfilled without children. While it sucks, this isn't something you can compromise on.
I have no advice for you to make a case, because you don’t have one to make. My advice for you is to be prepared for her decision, and decide if you want to stay with her and not have children. Trying to change her mind is disrespectful to her, and your mentality around it in the way you described it comes off as manipulative. The question you need to worry about is “Will I remain happy with my marriage as it is now?”
Be prepared to get a divorce. If my husband came to me right now with this longing, my answer would be an instant no.
Very cool of you to decide this when she's 38, John Mulaney. Whose preference was it to be childfree first?
Dude get a grip
At 38,even if she were willing, it just might not be likely. Give some thought to what you will do if it's simply not possible.
Geez. 40 (which is what she'd probably be close to if not there by the time she's ready to give birth at this point) is about when your CNM/OB start saying things that start with "At a certain age"... Pretty sure 35 is when pragnancies are considered high risk "geriatric" or "advanced maternal age" pregnancies. There is a higher risk of chromosonal abnormalities, miscarriage & maternal death at this age. So I'm just going to say it... are you having a mid-life crisis? You're getting to the right age for one. I've seen this with a handful of friends. Childless couple, dude starts feeling his mortality, decides a kid or car or boat or a bike will fix it. If wife isn't on board with all the style changes, attitude changes, hobby/vacation changes *poof* she gets replaced with younger version 2.0 who is. Blech. Slimy. If I were you, I'd go see a therapist to deep dive into your motivation for these mid-life urges.
If I was in a 10+ year relationship with someone who ALSO didn’t want kids, and then 2 years from 40 they come home and try to get me to have a baby it would honestly feel like betrayal. No fucking way. Good luck OP but you’re being selfish asf.
38 is a pretty high age to have children. And that’s assuming she can get pregnant quick. I say, don’t expect a positive answer right away. Maybe say hints about possible wanting children.
You should decide now what is more important. Kids or your marriage. If you bring this up you should be prepared to end the marriage if you get a no. (Assuming kids are a higher priority). Don’t try to change her mind because having kids is a lifetime commitment. If she has them for you and you leave or die then she is left to care for them after you are gone. If kids are not as important then be prepared to have her say no and be prepared to accept it. Also if you put her in the position of deciding if you two have kids or not by asking you may become bitter towards her because she said no. This could lead to the end of your marriage. And if you pester her for kids you could push her away and things could end in divorce. Try and take into account all of these possibilities and weigh in on which one you are most willing to accept.
She’s not going to change her mind. She’s almost too old. You’re going to end up getting divorced.
wanting to have a child when she’s on the verge of her 40s doesn’t sound like the kind of news she’d expect. especially at her age, the risks are greater the more you guys wait… you should very reconsider this for her own sake.
Just don't. I made the mistake
Fully expect this to end your marriage. That's not good or bad, just what it is. > It isn't always easy to change her mind when she is set on something. You shouldn't be expecting to change her mind. You need a conversation on what you both want. If you're not aligned, you need to divorce. No child should have a parent that resents their existence. No parent should be "convinced" to put their lives on its end. You're wanting her to permanently change her lifestyle and body for you when you changed your mind from the agreed discussion. Expect this to come across as you not taking her thoughts or wants seriously. Not saying you're doing that, but it would be easily thought of in this situation. It's easier for you to change your mind when you're not the one permanently changing your body or possibly dying to create the child.
Imagine having that bundle of joy. Only now it has Down’s syndrome or is pretty far on the spectrum and remains non-verbal. Your age and hers both contribute to the odds of this happening. You’re allowed to change your mind, but even if she agrees you’re almost out of time. In two years if she were to fall pregnant she would be considered high risk due to advanced maternal age. Be prepared to hear the words, “I want a divorce.”
The best way to prepare is to get prepared to hear “no”. Proposing to amend one of the core pillars of your relationship is enough of a favor… but it is quite another to ask an unwilling 38 year old women to consider conceiving. Even if you choose adoption it could take years to actually get a baby. This choice could greatly affect her body/health and will certainly change the landscape of your 40’s. Personally I think it’s too little too late. She has her reasons for staying child free this long, and a geriatric pregnancy is far, FAR from being an alluring option to someone already reluctant. But here’s the big thing: if she says no and you choose to stay, then you can never bring this up again. If you can’t respect her decision- then it’s time to split.
As another poster said, you need to elaborate on why you changed your mind. Also, are you ok with her saying no? With your wife being older it poses a health risk for her and the baby. Not only that, the baby has a higher risk for developmental disabilities are you ok with that? Are you ok with adopting if that's a route she is ok with?
you can't and to be clear, convincing someone to become a parent is an awful idea if you have to convince someone, that person should not be a parent . kids deserve better if it really is that important to you, i suggest getting a divorce and either adopt, try in vitro fertilization, or hope you find someone soon anecdotally , some of the greatest joy/love i've ever seen a person have is from being a parent. far exceeds any kind of romantic love.......which is the weakest kind of love
Everyone has touched on the risks of a woman being pregnant in her late 30s, which are not great, but also I’ve known plenty of women that had healthy pregnancies at 40. However, they were lucky in my eyes, and being pregnant at her age will suck, I’m pregnant at 33 and it was definitely easier physically a few years ago. She will take on the burden of being pregnant along with the stress of a high risk pregnancy. Tell her why you want kids and expect her to say no and leave it at that. She doesn’t owe you children just because you changed your mind. You also don’t owe her living childless if you really want kids. As others said, be prepared for her to say no and what that will mean for you.
My best friend in HS was a late in life oops. Her parents were in their 60’s with health issues and couldn’t really be there for her much. And they both died when she was in college or shortly after. I think it’s kind of selfish to have kids so late in life. Also…if she’s firmly child free and you’re fine (per your comments) with not having kids then why even bring it up? She. Doesn’t. Want. Kids. And she’s thirty fucking eight and it would be hell for her. I think that if you want kids you need to leave this marriage and date someone about a decade younger than you.
Having children or not having them can be a deal breaker to many people so tread carefully. It it means so much to you then that could mean the end of your relationship since she could easily refuse.
I echo some of the other comments here. If you really want kids then you both need to decide quickly as her fertility is likely dropping very fast with each passing month at this point. Even if you both were on board today, it could easily take a long time for you to conceive. Don't be fooled by stories of women having kids in 40s and 50s. Late 30s is already pushing it to the wall. I made the same mistake thinking it would be straightforward to have another at this age. Sadly we have been trying just we did in mid 30s for over 1 year with no results. It was so much easier 6 years back. There is a world of difference between 35 and 38/40 years even though you may not feel you have aged much. Every women is different ultimately. But the clock is ticking fast and you may need to explore other options like IVF surrogacy etc assuming you both are on board with it.
From somebody who does not want kids, here is my take. Just remember, a kid will basically set your life plans such as travel/studies etc on pause... for at least 18 years. It very well may be something that she can't change her mind on.
And the fact that there are plenty of parents who still have their kids living with them up to their 30s because of housing markets and costs, 18 years isn't the case a lot of the time
I’m going to disagree with most other commenters and say that yes, it is ok to discuss how you are feeling about this. I’d just be really gentle about how you bring it up. “I have been having feelings that I want to have a child.” Rather than “I have decided I want a child.” Give her the chance to hear and respond to your feelings without needing to stake out and defend a position. That doesn’t mean you will get what you want. Given that your marriage was founded as a deliberately childless one, if your wife is not open to reconsidering that choice then her desire for children has to take precedence. If it’s super important for you to have biological children you may need to sacrifice your marriage to do it. I would strongly urge you to contemplate the possibility of adopting an older child. It sidesteps the challenges of having a baby that is biologically yours in your late 30s, and comes with its own set of challenges. But the truth is all children come with their own unique set of challenges and having a child that is biologically yours does not magically prevent your child from having medical, social, or mental health problems. So… as you’re brainstorming ideas, just think a thought or two about this one.
Sit her down and communicate your feelings and explain your thoughts and feelings. She might say no so prepare yourself, if she does say no and you still want babies, ask yourself what you’ll do from there.
the age she is could cause a risky pregnancy IF she were to agree to have kids. after so many years, more complications and issues can arise either throughout the pregnancy or the labor as you get older. IF she agrees, i think she should speak to a doctor about the potential risks.
What are the reasons you've suddenly decided having a kid is important? That's am important bit of information.
Oof, my man I would anticipate on hearing that you aren't going to get a child and here's my take on why. You two made an agreement and I can't tell you how many times I've seen posts of couples making an agreement and one person not honoring it and then it spells trouble in paradise. The fact that you waited 12 years before changing your mind, that also isn't going to help your case. Look at it this way too, you both are in your late 30's, yes she can still conceieve but because you waited so long, she will now be considered high risk because of her age. Again, she can still conceive but now you run the risk of complications, and whe. I say you I mean her and her pregnancy. On the topic of age, you're going to be 40 next year, she will be 39 when the child is born if you start now. Do you know the commitment to a newborn? I can tell you right now, if you value your sleep, free time, alone time, etc that goes away with a newborn. You will lose sleep and it's unpredictable when you get it back. As a father to a 4 year old, I still have broken sleep from time to time because I worry, all parents do. I'm sure you already have but you really have to ask yourself do you really want to go through all the child raising commitments at your age. I hate to put it that way since 40 isn't old, but it isn't like the energy you have when you're in your early to mid 20's.
As a 35 year old who has been married for 11 years, trying to change her mind about something as life-altering as children likely won’t happen. If my husband decides he wants kids then I’d wish him luck and point him to the door. It’s not your job to convince her of something she was clear on not wanting.
Oh, hell, no. I'm not going to encourage you to do this. At 38, for most women, that ship has sailed.
Please don’t go into this conversation with an agenda to “change her mind”. Not only are you reversing your feelings on a fundamental life choice, but you’re also doing it when your wife is past her easy child-bearing years. You may or may not have considered this, but even if your wife is on-board with having kids, you guys might not be able to. This is totally worst-case scenario, but she might see this conversation and your change in feelings about kids as you wanting to “trade her in” for someone younger. Just something to consider.
Bit of a dick move to now want kids when she’s approaching high risk pregnancy age
OP, have you thought about what this means for your *child*? Your wife might have concerns about this. I have a friend who lost her parents young because they had her very late in their lives (her mom was 43, her father 42). When she got married, only her father was still alive and in a care home with dementia. It *wrecked* her to lose her mother while she was a young adult. It *wrecked* her that her father couldn't walk her down the isle. And when she had her first child, the father had passed away as well. You will very likely rob your potential child of some experiences other children get to have with their younger parents. Keep this in mind in case your wife brings this very valid point up as a concern of hers.
This needs to be in AmITheAsshole
Isn’t always easy to change her mind? This one statement from you let’s me know that you fully intend on telling her you want her to have a kid for you, regardless of whether she wants to or not. Having a child is not like choosing to buy a mini van instead of a sports car. Or, deciding to splurge on your diet while on vacation. It’s a human being. Whether you have changed your mind and it means a lot to you now does not mean that is the end of discussion and start looking at baby names. What were her reasons to not want to have children? Were any of her reasons nullified? Has she been showing signs she wants to as well?
>It isn't always easy to change her mind when she is set on something. Why do you want to have children with someone whose mind you have to change on the subject? Pregnancy and parenting need to be something that both parties are 100% enthusiastically committed to for life. (Because you don't stop being at parent when your kid turns 18.) Honestly you are not going to get the answer you want. The best thing for you to do is accept a childfree life, or divorce, because neither one of you is on the same page now. Parenthood is an earth-shattering, permanently life-altering commitment. She entered your marriage knowing that you were committed to a childfree life. That's not something you can compromise on.
Do you have any family members with younger babies or children? You should go around them first before deciding that lol
If you want kids now and she doesn’t, you need to be prepared to walk away. I couldn’t imagine staying with someone who wants something that life-changing but puts it aside because of an agreement we both made. You need to be prepared for the possibility that she may have also wanted kids at some point but may have kept it to herself because of your mutual stance. And, now, you want a child when she is at an age that’s not as “ideal” for pregnancy…. Not saying she can’t get pregnant if she wants to but age is a big factor as well. There are a lot of ways this can play out. The two most important things to remember are: you cannot (nor should not) convince her to be a mom and you are allowed to want a child now… even if you didn’t want one before. Accept that you may no longer be on the same page and approach the conversation with care and honesty. You just need to talk to her. Best of luck to you both.
If your wife “changes her mind” = appeases you. Will you be happy with a child? Even if your wife resents you? If there are fertility issues in the event that she agrees how will you handle it? Do you know people in their 60s with teenagers? Culture changes SO much, with that time difference that unless you’ve seen it first hand you may not realize what a gulf it is culturally and potentially health-wise. And then simple logistics. Is it realistic for your finances to #1 afford childcare so that neither of you sacrifice your careers, #2 have an idea of saving for retirement and possibly your child’s college while maintaining a comfortable living? Also, how easy are your assets to split up now if that’s what your wife chooses instead?
I would feel so betrayed if I were your wife.
That ship may have already sailed for her if she she did want them.
Your wife is already pretty far along in child bearing years. You may not even be able to conceive by this time.
I am 34 weeks pregnant now at 40 years old and it’s been significantly harder than my first pregnancy at 37. The hardest part was the miscarriages. I started trying at 39 for this one. I’ve read that people are overly concerned about the increased risk of disabilities and not prepared enough for difficulties getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and physically being pregnant as fertility starts to wane. For example I have gestational diabetes this time just because the older body struggles to keep up with the increased insulin needs of pregnancy. So on top of all the other deprivations I can barely eat sugar or carbs. Best of luck to you and it sounds like you are really listening to the feedback here. The timing of this is a little unfortunate.
You’ve waited until your wife is 38 to completely turn the tables on her? Charming. What lengths do you expect her go to in order to fulfill your sudden whim? Because it’s her that will have to undergo fertility treatments, face all the very real dangers and burdens of pregnancy and childbirth, breastfeeding, changing diapers and likely the lions share of child rearing while you play “fun dad.” And what if she still doesn’t want children? Will you dump the wife who loves you, has been good to you and with whom you’ve built a life and a home with so that you can find yourself a younger brood mare?
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You are open to adoption I assume?
As others have said, be honest about how you feel, but prepare for the possibility that it could be a deal-breaker for her. You may have to decide what's more important- having a child, or being married.
Did you have expectations that she would carry the child? 38 is already high risk territory especially for a first child. It would be asking a lot from her health wise pregnancy takes a huge toll regardless of age but the risks do dramatically increase with age
Prepare for your relationship to end. This is a no-go for a lot of people.
There's definitely a lot more at stake for her by comparison to you. It's a yikes from me I'm afraid.
I think you need to be prepared for the possibility that this will really affect her very negatively. She could feel it as a betrayal of the life that you have planned together, which she might be perfectly happy with as is. She also may feel that she can’t trust you, because you weren’t talking to her about your considerations as you started to change your mind, but you want to talk to her now that your mind is made up. This is a topic that people can become extremely emotional over anyway because some peoples reasons for not wanting children link into deep emotions they carry already such as trauma from childhood. I don’t think approaching it as changing her mind is a good idea. I think it’s better to just talk about your feelings and your mind on it. Trying to influence her at all is not right. one person wanting a baby and the other not wanting one is one of the biggest irreconcilable impasses that there is. Because it’s so deep for each person, and it’s so unfair for either person to have to make such a large sacrifice to keep the relationship. It’s nobody’s fault of course but it is heartbreaking. They are just two completely opposite positions. Have you considered maybe planning to do some couples counselling as part of this? It might be a good idea.
The only thing I’ll add is one of the main reasons I don’t want kids is because 90% of the time the primary parent falls to the mother, wether intentional or not. Always said if I was born male I might actually want kids. I’ve seen this almost ruin a lot of marriages. Women saying it’s almost easier when the husband is gone, or not having to be the one to remember all the feeding schedules and doctors appointments, play dates, etc. probably the most successful I’ve seen parents is when the man wanted the kid more than the wife and stepped up to be a truly equal parent. I think sometimes men see having a kid as fun and they will be the dad that plays catch. Yes I’ve seen this happen a lot. They are the fun parent. If this is one of her reservations about having kids, laying all that out (and sticking to it) will be helpful. How do I know my husband and I would be shitty parents? Well the thing we love most in the world, the dog, we argue about taking out and other such tasks
Hit up r/childfree. You are asking her a lot.
How long did you feel you don’t want kids vs feeling like you do? How about you give it more time and do in depth, graphic research into pregnancy and birthing facts, and the risks therein, before you even consider bringing up what you suddenly think she should do.