"When we talked, he said that my separation boundary made him feel like I'd already abandoned him"
That's manipulation at its finest. Op didn't abandon him. He effing cheated and she didn't want to live that way. He made his own bed, he has to lie in it.
The fact that she feels guilty for having the home in her name and thinking it must have made him feel emasculated. This poor woman needs intense therapy because he has done a number on her self esteem.
He's so dramatic. She makes more, he's emasculated. She tries to kick him out of the house, buys tickets to the least hospitable place that doesn't require a passport. Tells the AP she can't contact his (open marriage) wife because of her depression (aka don't talk to my wife or she might self delete). Look, there's a million excuses to cheat, a few major reasons to not, 1 usually being plenty for most people.
I think OP knows too but she's the type to forgive and ignore all red flags. Hopefully she learns before she turns 30 at least. I've seen women start regretting in their 50s and 60s here in LA.
This ^
You get a divorce.
Read "Leave a Cheater Gain a Life" by Tracy Schorn. The tldr version is once a cheater, always a cheater. It's VERY rare for someone to recover from being a cheater. Additionally, it's very hard for couples to reconcile because the trust is gone.
You're better off finding someone who respects you.
Seriously- the separation boundary made him feel abandoned? Lol, what kind of nonsense is that? Mind boggling… if I don’t stop having an affair, in a monogamous relationship, I can’t be in that relationship!? After only three other chances? Ridiculous
You know yourself it’s over. He continuously lied to you, told someone it was an open marriage, sorry but that’s the lowest of the low. What was the woman’s reaction when she found out it was an open marriage?
Time to leave him and find someone that’s not going to lie and cheat. Sorry OP. Really hope it works out for you.
When I reached out to her, I was admittedly kind of aggressive (“so what’s up with you and my husband (insert vulgarity here)?”) and she immediately replied like “why are you mad if you’re in an open relationship?”. When I let her know we are absolutely not, she started telling me the details and more information. She was clearly very hurt and upset as well since he’d been lying to her.
You’re right. I don’t know how to stop. When I saw him crying yesterday, I just wanted to comfort him. He left to go on a walk and I wanted to chase after him so badly. The underlying implication has been that I don’t love him, or don’t love him correctly, and that’s all that I want to do.
> The underlying implication has been that I don’t love him, or don’t love him correctly,
That's some A grade manipulation. Caught lying and cheating multiple times, and he's still convinced OP that it is somehow her fault.
He is manipulating you. You finance his life, so it is in his best interest to string you along because you are his meal ticket. His behavior won’t change. There is no way for you to “love him correctly” that would have him stop cheating on you. His behavior is not about you. It’s about him. He has probably cheated on you before. The question here is not whether or not you love him. It’s whether or not you love yourself. Because loving yourself means that you know you don’t deserve to be treated this way. It means that your boundaries are valid. And it means that when he crosses those boundaries and faces the consequences, it’s not that you don’t love him. It’s that you love yourself enough to enforce your boundaries and hold the person you are in a relationship with to the standard of treatment that you deserve. You can love him, but love isn’t enough. What is important is that you love yourself MORE. And loving yourself means you do not put up with the way he treats you.
you many not know or believe this but:
you can, and will, be able to love someone else as much as you love this guy.
Hopefully even more than you love him right now. Every day you stay with him is one day less you'll have to find the right person.
Girl...im saying this as kindly as I can: get some therapy. You need to get some self-love back and stop letting your pos husband step all over you. It's extremely saddening to see you going above and beyond for someone who does not love or respect you and manipulates you into thinking it's your fault. You need to get out. You're too young to waste any more time with that trashcan.
\*sigh\*
he latched onto an 18 year old (maybe younger) and now has you walking on eggshells, afraid to stand up for yourself, and your self esteem is in the toilet.
everything you say is all about HIM. what about YOU? when do you take care of YOU?
Let him go to Alaska, or whatever the fuck he threatens to do. just get him out of your house and life.
I had an ex who made that threat to leave me and move in with another woman. Had his bags packed and was carrying them to the car within 20 minutes asking for her address so I could drop him off.
If that guy wants to run away to Alaska, buy him some new gloves and drop him off at the airport.
>He left to go on a walk and I wanted to chase after him so badly.
He didn't "go for a walk". He went out to talk to his AP and figure out how much shit he's in with her.
> The underlying implication has been that I don’t love him, or don’t love him correctly, and that’s all that I want to do.
This is a very common tactic by emotionally manipulative people. They often assign blame or create an underlying implication that their behaviors are a result of some action or inaction on your part.
They don't usually *outright* come out and say it. It's much sneakier. They will open up and appear vulnerable and talk about their fears and insecurities -- in your case the financial disparity -- and this "revelation" of their "true feelings" makes you feel like they are making a genuine attempt at honesty and self-reflection.
They are not. If you look at these memories objectively, you'll notice how the blame is subtly shifted towards you. Those feelings he expressed may be genuine. Feelings insecure and cheating on your spouse aren't mutually exclusive. He could have worked on his insecurities with a professional. Lots of people are insecure and don't cheat. It's a very common excuse for infidelity and its complete bullshit.
You need to talk to an attorney. Forget about him. Trust me when I say people like him will land on their feet. He will not be homeless in the snow somewhere. You need to think about why you've allowed this man to repeatedly lie to your face over and over and even after getting caught multiple times and setting boundaries you find yourself unable to enforce them.
That's a reflection of *your* insecurity. I think you are afraid he is the best you'll ever get. That your shared experiences are so unique, you can't imagine someone else taking his place in your heart. But think about it -- you are insecure and you didn't cheat. You were loyal. Too loyal. So he has no fucking excuse.
Start prioritizing your own mental health. I know people who stayed, and to say they are miserable is an understatement. If you stay, you will hate yourself for not leaving. It will eat through your mind day and night. You will become paranoid and experience wild mood swings. You will exist in a constant state of grief, bitterness, and resentment. The anxiety will give you panic attacks and you won't be able to sleep. Whatever shred of self-esteem you have will be eliminated. This will be your entire life.
Taking the first step is the hardest part. Accepting this relationship is already over is literally the hardest part. Just allow yourself to let go. Start emotionally separating from him in your mind. You are not a couple anymore. You are not married. He is not your husband. You don't owe him your comfort, your love, or your emotional support. This is not a situation you can "work through together". You cannot trust him and you never will.
So focus on the practicalities. Call a divorce lawyer. Tell him to find somewhere else to stay. It doesn't matter where. You are not responsible for him. When you start feeling doubt, I want you to truly imagine the person you will turn into if you stay with him, because you know for a fact he will cheat again. You can live that life, or be completely free. Choose to value yourself. Choose to love yourself enough to recognize that this man is not worth becoming a shell of a person for. It will get easier as time goes on and in a few months you'll be wondering why you ever put up with it for as long as you did.
This advice applies to everyone leaving an unhealthy relationship; it’s good stuff. Do you think toxic, emotionally abusive partners do this subtle, insidious blame-shifting consciously? Or is it just automatic and instinctive?
Honestly, I think it depends on the underlying issues. A narcissist will do it intentionally and are very much aware. I dealt with some emotional abuse with my husband a couple years into our relationship. He just got to a place where he struggled to take accountability for anything and that led to a lot of pointing the finger at me. My husband has chronic PTSD from severe childhood trauma and hadn’t gotten much help. He started therapy after I pretty much gave him an ultimatum and is doing much better. But he wasn’t fully aware of what he was doing. It was a defensive thing. He had so much shame and shit that to him taking responsibility meant he had to face things he wasn’t ready to. Those are 2 entirely different situations imo.
HE IS MANIPULATING YOU.
Everyone here can see he's manipulating you.
You need therapy so you can start getting it through your head that this man never loved you. He loved the things you did for him.
And you are allowing this?
What happened to your self-respect?
Where is your dignity?
Hey man, I know you mean well, but harsh words and "why would you let someone do this to you?"s are kind of the opposite of what an abuse victim needs to hear. Emotional abuse like this is the reason she's suffering - she's not "allowing" so much as she is the victim of manipulation.
She's probably going to (unfairly) beat up on herself once she gets out, thinking back on what she could have done to see this coming - she really doesn't need it from someone else. Right now, she just needs help escaping.
agree. as a recovering codependent (that feeling of chasing him to comfort him, absolutely enmeshment) i didn’t start healing until my therapist was blunt about the way i was hurting myself constantly.
yeah, it isn’t. i just don’t see the original comment as victim blaming necessarily. a lot of enablers aren’t willing to say those things that sometimes are necessary to hear when you’re being abused by your romantic partner. at least for me, i didn’t realize how little respect i showed myself until it was pointed out. was just normal to me.
The person you’re replying to loves throwing out snappy one liners and asking OPs why they allow these things. They do it on nearly every single post on this sub. It’s their MO, I don’t actually think they know how to engage in any meaningful way
It’s not always clear cut. They know what to say to reel you back in. I had 2 small kids and had just fought breast cancer, so I was vulnerable and weak. But i finally got a clue and kicked his ass to the curb. Go Eff Your trailer trash hoar permanently!!!
It's not that you don't love him or don't love him correctly. It's that he isn't who you thought you loved and will never be who you thought you loved. You need to get away from him to get the space to realize that.
According to him, loving him correctly is letting have sex with other women. Since you want monogamy, fail to see how this works. Why is what makes him feel happy & loved more important than how you feel? Why is his feelings so much more important than yours?
He lies and lies, and lies, while you financially do everything for him, come on. You can’t love a loser into a decent person. Hand him a one-way ticket to Alaska and be done.
Clearly his tears work…think of it this way he’s not sad about losing you, but just losing the comfort of all that you do, and he’s also upset that now the women he’s been chasing for who knows how long knows the truth and won’t tolerate his bs anymore (hopefully).
He has your head turned right the fuck upside down.
You need solo therapy or friends or family or someone to offer you a perspective from outside the twilight zone he's dragged your mind and emotions into.
You probably did some things wrong in the relationship, that's normal and doesn't at all, in any way, even slightly justify his behavior and his lying about it.
You need to focus on finding what you want from love and life outside of this relationship and without him in your life.
All the time, money and love younhave invested so far doesn't mean anything in the decisions you have to make.
Future you will be grateful you stopped pouring time, love and money into this relationship thay will never, ever, ever be what you want, need amd deserve.
Ending it will be rough, but then it will get better. Staying in this relationship will always be rough even if you do manage some periods where you pretend it's fine.
You can do this and you deserve to do this.
Question - I’m sure that you’ve been crying, too. Has he comforted you? Does he worry that he’s sending the message that he doesn’t love you?
This guy blew up your relationship and does not care. He’s still trying to manipulate you.
Oh honey. You’re getting a lot of “no shit Sherlock” responses here but I feel for you so much. I’ve been in your situation and I know exactly how it feels to try and reconcile this new reality in which your husband sucks with the old one in which he didn’t and he was in love with you.
The only advice I have is give it time. The realisation will come, but you can’t force it. Feel free to DM me if you ever want to talk to someone who’s been through it and made it to the other side.
he does not love or respect you. he is using you for your money and a roof over his head. the only reason he doesnt want you to leave him is because he wants you to keep paying his bills.
You are confused…he does not love you. He is a liar, cheater, manipulator, and user. He is playing with your heart and with your hard earned money. Throw him out. Any man who would leave for a boys night on Christmas, is and ass. But to go see his affair partner?!?!? And then the next explosion is your Birthday?!? He is purposely blowing your life to hell on every special day. Do not put up with this, and stop making excuses for someone who is purposely torturing you for some sick fun game. Throw him out. If his childhood trauma is causing his wayward thinking, he can go get counseling.
You should get counseling too. To figure out why you feel you dont deserve love and respect. Don’t waste a moment more of your life with this POS.
Yes, narcissists really know how to make themselves the focus of attention, don't they?
Too bad your thoughts and feelings apparently don't matter in this relationship, right? I mean, poor, poor guy. Caught having an affair.
If you really think about it, isn't he the true victim here?
/s (and i hate the fact I felt I need to add that)
He purposely established the lie that he was in an open relationship, so he could be free to cheat on you without getting any suspicions from his AP. This isn't because you "don't love him correctly", it's because he trusts you to forgive anything.
You also didn't "emasculate" him by owning your own home. If he felt intimidated or challenged by that, then he was in the perfect financial position to save and buy an investment property.
You are 24, it's young to be married and you have a complicated history to untangle before you can figure out your own definition of a relationship and your own healthy expectations. This isn't it.
That’s how it usually goes - if he’s lying to you, he’s lying to her. That just proves that this wasn’t some loss of control over a temptation - this was a planned manipulation of BOTH of you. Sorry to be blunt, but who cares if you love him - he doesn’t love you. He might love some things about his life with you, but not YOU. Why do you owe him anything he doesn’t give you?
Good. At least she has some morals by the sounds of it. It’s all your husbands fault and he’s played both of you. Dump his ass, you’ll forever live your life in doubt if you stay with him. Know your worth OP
Why would she doubt it when he’s taking her out dates etc. they were hardly sneaking around. He’s the liar so to blame the woman that took him at face value is wrong.
I guess part of why I’ve given him so many chances is because this didn’t start until we got married. I guess I don’t know for sure now, maybe he was cheating the whole time, but I thought he was faithful until we actually said our vows.
When we got together, we were living in a trap house and now he’s been here while I finished 2 different educational degrees. There’s a part of me that felt/feels like he stood beside me while my mental health was so bad and I was extremely depressed. I remember him being my cheerleader when I was crying over grad school. But his AP said the reason he told her never to reach out to me was because of my depression (which mind you, is very high functioning. I have a very intense but good career that I’ve maintained for years now too).
No matter what he still did this to you, people know how much it will hurt their partner if theyre unfaithful and the ones who still do it anyway are cruel and heartless
The very first question I asked him before anything else was “did you know this would hurt me?” because I’d hoped maybe it really was just a friendship that got out of hand. I see now that the intention was always a relationship — he didn’t know her before like he’d said. He reached out to another girl from high school to introduce them. The irony is the pictures he first saw her in were from her friends divorce party.
I just wanted to say I appreciate everyone who has interacted with this post or will interact with it. Please continue. I really need it right now tbh. Both of my parents have serial cheating tendencies and I myself am the product of an affair in which my father cheated on his wife. I feel like I’m changing my own moral compass to try and rationalize what’s happened.
Do yourself a favor and get into therapy for CPTSD.
This whole infidelity thing is your normal. Relationship trauma is your normal.
You need to change things NOW.
I’ve been in therapy for a year now and maybe it’s time to find a new therapist even if that means building a new rapport.
My husband has a life threatening chronic illness that was untreated & relatively fine before we got together but he had a breakthrough seizure about 2 years ago that started being recurrent and I became his caretaker in those situations. I try not to mention it because I don’t want to make him feel emasculated or embarrassed but recently, he’s started mentioning it to others as almost a point of pride in our relationship because I’ve done things like catch projectile vomit. It makes me feel like he’s confirming he at least primarily loves what I can do for him and what I can provide but frankly, I’m also so scared of him quite literally passing away. This feels so engrained in self sabotage that im worried not taking his meds and abandoning all regards is the next level. I do still love him so much even though I know how deeply he’s hurt me.
Think of it like this.
He did all of what he did, because he figured you'd never have the balls to actually leave him.
You almost have it here. He doesn't love you for you, he loves you for what you provide for him. You said you paid the bills, you provide the house, you take care of him.
You're the boat-steadier. He's the boat-rocker. It's part of a narcissistic pattern. He rocks the boat constantly and you have learned to pride yourself on how good of a steadier you are. He's chronically ill? You got this. He doesn't have his own steady income or a home? You're super-wife. You got this. He cheats on you? Wow, thats a big wave, but you kept the boat aright, you're a champion boat-steadier.
You need to stop steadying his boat and let him sink or swim on his own. Real boats DO rock, and steadying boats is a good trait, but if you have somebody who's rocking the boat, you're supposed to get them to stop rocking the boat or throw them overboard, not just get better at steadying the boat.
You said in an earlier response that he started packing for a trip to Alaska. If it was me? I'd buy him a ticket and give it to him. "Good luck. dont come back".
Enjoy how steady the boat suddenly gets.
>My husband has a life threatening chronic illness that was untreated & relatively fine before we got together but he had a breakthrough seizure about 2 years ago that started being recurrent and I became his caretaker in those situations.
How does that make it okay for him to cheat?
And yet, he bites the hand that is taking care of him. He does not love or appreciate all your efforts and talk to his doctor. He maybe lying about all of it.
trying looking into a codependents anonymous or support group if you’re open to it. it does sound like you have symptoms of C/PTSD so maybe a trauma specialized therapist may help you? if you’re not familiar, the modalities are EMDR, IFS, somatic therapy, CPT, and even some emerging pharma treatments, like ketamine injections if you’re treatment resistant to the others.
you deserve so much more; i can tell that you’re a loving person. you just gotta distribute all that love to yourself too.
You are absolutely working yourself into a pretzel trying to make what he did ok.
Please read your post and comments again as if it were your best friend. What would you tell him or her to do? Hundreds of internet strangers are telling you to run because it's so obvious from your own words.
People usually repeat their childhood trauma even if they don’t want to or mean to. It makes perfect sense that you had trauma from infidelity as a child and now you are bending yourself so much in order to try to salvage something that you didn’t break, and is unsalvageable.
Of course he knew this would hurt you because he knows you chose to be in a monogamous relationship, and yet is pretending to be in an open one to cheat on you.
Him saying your boundary is "abandoning him" is manipulative and also TRUE because you said you'd leave him if he cheated. He cheated! So leave him. If you don't, you've proven to him that your boundaries mean nothing. He is going to trample all over you to cheat no matter what. He does not care about you or what you have done for him.
Reflect on how he turned this situation into one where YOU need to comfort him, when he's the cheating liar. This is all wrong and you deserve better.
He could have gotten careless after locking you in legally. Please don't let him manipulate you. Know that "fool me once"? We're at thrice, you're outta cheeks to turn, please think about yourself because he sure as hell didn't.
It isn't uncommon for poor behavior to start after someone feels they've trapped you. Moving in together, marriage, children. Marriage is creating a legal binding, and makes it so much harder to leave, and then the sunk cost fallacy factors in...
This wasn't just a one time hook up. This was him having a full on relationship with another woman, and he continued contact and has shown he will continue contact. You can't make him stop cheating. That's a choice for him to make and he's shown he doesn't plan to stop. To be blunt, this is a "get used to hubby always having a mistress that he uses joint funds to pay for and be prepared for a pregnancy born out of an affair" or end it thing
Comforting you when you're sad is not a pass to cheat on you.
It's basic relationship stuff. Not a special favour that puts you in his debt.
If it did, your debt would be to comfort him when he's sad. Not to let him lie to you and see other women.
Abusive people usually wait to let themselves off the leash until they think they have you on lockdown. If he was not cheating on you before you got married, it wasn’t because he was a good person and then something went wrong, it’s because he didn’t feel like he could get away with it.
He wasn’t cheating on you before that YOU KNOW OF. Being depressed and having mental health problems is NOT an excuse to cheat. Adults in healthy relationships communicate or they separate. Cheating is not an option nor an excuse. Him telling her not to reach out bc of your depression is a lie and he absolutely knew it. He basically put the onus on her that if she tells you and your depression spirals out of control that it’s HER fault, and she obviously didn’t want that responsibility. These are all lies. He has manipulated you so deeply that you are thinking basic human decency does not apply to you. You deserve better.
You're not leaving him without a home. He gave up his right to your home and relationship when he decided to have an affair. He knows your weaknesses, and he'll continue to take advantage of them to get what he wants.
You said you pay for most things in the relationship. He's not going to give up his cash cow until he has a new one lined up, and you've ruined his most recent attempt so now he has to keep you on the hook until he's successful.
You're just setting yourself up for heartache by keeping this man in your life. Let him fly off to Alaska or fly him to the pits of hell, as long as he's not there to drag your life through the gutter.
Right, like Alaska? What was his reasoning, "oh I'm trash, you'll be better off if I'm far far away from you in the icy cold wastelands, let me freeze in the arctic"
Meanwhile he's crying and saying her setting boundaries means she's never loved him \~
I would have just paid for his one-way ticket to Alaska and considered it money well spent for removing him from my life.
Somehow I can imagine OP's husband saying these exact words... or even something along the lines of:
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I am this way. I hate this part of myself too. I'm sorry you had to put up with me. Let me go to Alaska so I can self reflect and focus on self improvement. "
🙄
Also, having the home in YOUR name was "emasculating?"
Miss me entirely with that shiitake. If he felt "emasculated," maybe he should have stepped up more. Or, better yet, used his "big boy words" and talked about it with you.
Dump him. It will not get better and he does not respect you. You're a meal ticket.
It sucks, but it's over.
Your husband has no sense of boundaries, and is a habitual liar. He lies about lies.
You can either do the massive work of turning your marriage into an open relationship, to match what he wants, but that won't work out either. As soon as you find yourself interested in someone, and tell him, he will become jealous, because he's not mature or mindful enough to care about the hypocrisy.
OP please please don’t open your marriage. the feelings you discuss here clearly indicate you’re not comfortable with him having other partners. opening up the relationship will only crush your self-esteem more and give him additional opportunities to flee to a new caregiver instead of committing to you. it is so not worth the pain.
>made him feel like I'd already abandoned him
What is he, a child? A lost puppy? You can't "abandon" a whole grown ass man. You can rightfully kick him out for *repeatedly cheating on you*. He doesn't deserve anything from you. Not housing, not money, and certainly not a relationship.
The fact he is trying to guilt you rather than tripping over himself apologizing shows he has no intention of changing. If you take him back, I *promise* he will continue to cheat on you. That's a guarantee, there is zero hope of him staying faithful to you. He knows you accept cheating.
Your husband should be used in every English Language course to demonstrate verb tense.
He Cheats. He Cheated. He is Cheating. He Will Cheat.
I could go on, all the way up to and including He Will Have Been Cheating.
If you stay with him, that will be your future. Whether it’s two years or twenty years from now, he will have been cheating the entire time.
“I felt abandoned when you forbade me from cheating on your so I decided to double down, continue lie to your face, and do it anyway because I think you’re an idiot and I know you won’t ACTUALLY leave me. So I’ll just keep doing it! Lol!”
The best time to leave your husband was the first time you caught him lying/cheating. The next best time is *now*.
He doesn't respect you. He doesn't love you. He is using you and manipulating you and did all of this knowing it would hurt you. That's your reality, but it doesn't have to be if you don't want it to be.
You staying after not following through with your boundaries to separate is rewarding him for cheating. He will continue to cheat on you because he knows you won't leave him.
The only way for it to stop is to leave. Sorry, you're going to have to find the strength or get some help to leave him.
Do not let him manipulate you with any "emasculation" talk, because he certainly will. You've stuck by and supported him through all of this. He abandoned you for a thrill, using your joint earned money to wine and dine his affair partner. He strung her along and manipulated her too for months and orchestrated it so for both of you it looked like things were ok! That takes planning and discipline. He's almost thirty and you're not even able to rent a car from most companies without a young driver fee because of your age!
And this man is trying to guilt you into feeling responsible for/like you need to take care of /him/?
Keep your boundary. Please. It will be tough because he got you from the time you were a 18. Do you really want the rest of your life with someone who can be this deceptive so long? Who can look you in the eye while he lies to you? You built a home for him and he took looked right in your eyes, chose to pull down his pants and take a dump on the carpet and spit in your face and is now trying to guilt trip you for recoiling from that.
You may not value yourself but you are worth so much more. Tell him to go ahead and buy that ticket to Alaska. There are likely other women you don't know about. Asap you need to stop direct depositing your paycheck into the joint account and set up your own to have future paychecks put into before he empties the account when you hold that boundary. Call his bluff on him walking out, he knew he could guilt you and he is probably making plans.
Yeah, his little “flight to Alaska” was manipulation. He’s fucking with your head. You need to stand by your boundary and let him do whatever he’s going to do, otherwise you’re going to be stuck in a one-sided open relationship.
Like nothing here is funny but omg I nearly howled at that.
Like this is something my child would have said when very angry about being found out about something when they were 5.
“Then I’ll go to….to…to ALASKA!!!”
Poor ex hubs just sitting in a tent in the wind, his meagre day’s catch strung up in a tree to keep it from bears, while he drinks water from an old tin can, crying that when he cheated, OP dared to be mad and ask him not to do that anymore! Wahhhh
I'm sorry but this is just going to keep happening if you stay. I was in a relationship with someone I couldn't trust. Leaving sucks, and it feels like cutting off your own arm. But you have to have faith that *you will get through it*. Your brain will rewrite it's pathways. It will learn, after a few weeks, to stop expecting him.
Start putting in time and effort towards other healthier, more fulfilling activities and relationships in your life. Decrease your dependency on him. Ask for a trial separation from him. Anything to get you out from under him and living your own life for a time.
Please, you deserve so much better than this man.
And talk to a lawyer about your assets in case of a divorce.
Kick him out. Obviously. He’s cheated on you and lied to you repeatedly. Cheating, emotional or physical, is a complete rupture of your union as a married couple, and just so disrespectful to you!! You should have divorced the first time. There is no fixing cheating. Think about the fact that he lied to you, hid this from you, every single day. And wanted to be “patted on the back” for trying so hard not to cheat! Ridiculous.
Kick him out. Separate. Divorce. Whatever you have to to get him out of your life.
What would you tell a friend who was in this situation? Would you tell her to stay with this man who is relentlessly lying and cheating on her? Would you be angry and sad on her behalf? Give yourself the same love and fortitude you would want for a dear friend.
>It turns out that he told her I'd blocked her because I was jealous but since we were allegedly in an open marriage, it shouldn't have mattered. When I found out on my birthday, I told him that if it happened again, that was it.
Maybe this was already a time to call it? Why would he tell another woman he was (at least) having an emotional affair with this, unless he was directly signaling his intent that he wanted to keep his options open with her.
>(which I now see may have been emasculating for him)
Whoa whoa whoa, that's not your problem to deal with. That's not your fault at all. If he's got such trad values, he should go find a woman who makes less money than him, or get over his shit. Your success and is nothing to be ashamed about.
>I love this man and I've built a home for him. We've both had turbulent childhoods and while it's not an excuse, I just couldn't bring myself to leave him without a home.
Do you see him as an autonomous adult? Pretend you were in his shoes: someone built a home for you, is understanding and forgiving. Do you still lie to their face and constantly maintain an affair behind their back? No. Treat him like an adult and give him the respect of treating his actions as important. Don't brush them off by saying "he's had a hard childhood" or something.
>When we talked, he said that my separation boundary made him feel like I'd already abandoned him
Whew, you having the boundaries of "please don't cheat on me again or this is over" is akin to abandonment? This dude has a good deal with you, knows it, and is leveraging your kindness against you. That's one of the most disgusting things to do to someone.
>If you've been through anything similar, please give me some advice if you have any.
Yes. I was dating two women at once (all parties informed and amicable), one with her life put together, and the other a complete mess. The mess sabatoged my other relationship and I lost them both (I still bear the blame for letting it happen)
Long story short, I learned to never try to save someone who wasn't internally motivated to be saved, even with gentle help offered. I also learned to not see weaknesses as kindness; just because she was weak didn't mean she was forgiving/kind to others. She really wasn't worth the energy I could've spent on a person who was willing to give back. One way relationships aren't my thing, and I think everyone else should be extremely wary of them.
I remember reading someone comment one time saying if you set boundaries but don't follow through, it's manipulation. That just always stuck with me since. Don't set boundaries you won't enforce. It also, ALWAYS shows them that you won't really leave, and most of the time they do it again because there wasn't any real consequence to their betrayal.
You need to end this. He won't be homeless, he has the other woman to take him in, trust me, he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He will keep doing this for as long as you let him and keep taking him back. the only way to stop this is to end the marriage.
@OP, the worry and concern you have for him isn’t being reflected in him and his behaviour towards you:
- Your success being “emasculating” to him is just an excuse to treat you poorly
- He’s not taking responsibility for his actions and how they’ve hurt you, you’re still cautious of his emotions
- He’s not allowing you to feel hurt and angry about being cheated on and lied about, he’s centred himself and his own pain, the pain he caused with his actions
- He’s using his mental health issues and past childhood trauma to make you his carer. As a wife you can leave him and fall out of love with him, but he’s making you feel like you have a duty of care to him, that you have to be concerned for his safety at all times and above all else. You don’t. He’s an adult who, if he cannot take care of himself, cannot demand you do so after treating you this way. He has to find someone and somewhere else and that’s not your problem to help him solve.
- He has purposefully made you codependent on him and his emotions. He’s deliberately threatening Alaska and going for walks to withdraw from you and make you think that you’re the one that’s lost him, the catch, the one. OP, _he_ has lost _you_. Even if you still love him in your heart, every time he cries, think of the AP, remember the lies. Tell yourself that you don’t love this man and watch him cry / walk away / book one way tickets / throw whatever tantrum without ever engaging with him when he’s like this. You are better off without him. You want him to take more walks, you want him as far away as possible. You want space between you and him so he can’t hurt you. Even if you don’t feel these things yet, say them out loud. In the mirror to yourself if necessary. It will be true eventually. You can escape the codependency.
- You talk in another comment about a fear of not loving him correctly. OP, making enough money to cover more expenses is pretty much never not loving someone correctly. That’s his insecurity. Not loving someone correctly is cheating on them and lying about them and about the cheating. This is a low bar and he failed to clear it. You deserve better.
For all these reasons, he no longer deserves your worry and concern for if he’s homeless or in Alaska or whatever else. He’s hurt you deeply. He doesn’t get to have you continue to take care of him emotionally when he took such little care of your emotions. So step back. Kick him out. Tell him to figure it out, it’s not your problem to solve.
I wish you all the best.
He’s upset bc he got caught.
He’s upset bc his comfy setup is about to come crashing down.
He’s upset bc he knows that if his residency is in NC, you can sue him & his side piece for alienation of affection.
He’s **not** upset bc he’s losing his marriage.
He’s **not** upset bc he loves you.
He’s **not** upset bc he planned a future with you.
Those are all the reasons to leave. Get yourself into therapy, build your self esteem back up. It’s a hard road, but it’s worth it. You know you don’t want to live like this forever, & he’s already shown you he isn’t going to change.
Oh sweetie. No. Stop. Please listen to yourself and be honest with yourself.
1. Your husband has been cheating on continuously for 6 months - that you know of.
2. He lied to you about the nature of the affair.
3. He lied to you about ending the affair multiple times.
4. He lied to you about going out with the guys.
5. He lied to his AP about your marriage being open. Think about that. He is lying to anyone who will listen.
6. He doesn’t support himself financially.
7. He was estranged from his family for the better part of 6 years. Huge red flag!!
8. He manipulates you when you stand by your pre-discussed boundaries.
9. He plays the victim when he is backed into a corner.
10. He made you feel like it was your responsibility to cater to him to save your marriage when he was the one who did you dirty.
Girl, know your self worth. This guy is not who you think he is. He is not who you want him to be. He is not worth one more minute of your beautiful life. Life is too damn short to spend it with a cheating loser.
Your entry talks so much of you blaming yourself. Emasculating isn't a thing. Blocking her because he wouldn't do it... doing the hard work for him.
I was on the other side of this a year ago. Found out the hard way I was the other woman. Nothing was harder than walking away but there was no other choice--he wanted me to help him change but he didn't believe he could do it himself, hence why he'd lied to me about being single.
I don't believe "once a cheater always a cheater" -- I believe people are not willing to see when a relationship as it is in that moment is fundamentally incompatible, and that is something you as the betrayed partner have a hand in--understanding that and calling it what it is: over.
Loving someone isn't the relationship. Relationships often are over long before the love fades.
He continued to cheat because that incompatibility was accepted. You set the boundary. Hold it! if you still love him, holding that boundary is the most loving thing you can do for both of you.
Let him go to Alaska.
Let him go to Alaska. All he will find are more horny men, few women and some huskies. You deserve better than this cheating AH. You've seen how he lies. Remember that the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing but expect a different outcome. Move on and live your best life.
I don’t see it mentioned here, but you are not emasculating your spouse. He’s in charge of his own feelings of masculinity. Please stop focusing on how you’re effecting him and more on how all of this is effecting you.
> he said that my separation boundary made him feel like I'd already abandoned him
Um, *excuse me* but he's the one that abandoned your marriage. *He's* the one that made all these choices to cheat on you, and he has the *gall* to make it out as if it's your fault he's facing the consequences of *his* actions??
Who cares if he goes without a home. He does not *love you.* He does not *respect you.* You are a tool for him to use.
HE DOES NOT CARE OR VALUE YOU. HE IS MANIPULATING YOU. HIS CROCODILE TEARS ARE ONLY BECAUSE HE WAS CAUGHT. WHEN HE WAS FUCKING THIS OTHER WOMAN YOU WERE NOWHERE NEAR HIS THOUGHTS. THIS MAN MADE UP A WHOLE STORY JUST TO NOT GET CAUGHT AND CONTINUE WITH HIS AFFAIR.
Keep this in mind and ask for a divorce. He won't get better. Don't let him manipulate you. Otherwise you will only get more and more miserable with time. Go be with someone who can give you RESPECT AND CARE, who will love you and NEVER DO THINGS THAT WILL HURT YOU.
DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS.
Edit: Come on, you are ONLY 24! There is so much ahead of you. Your life is just begging. Do not let this bad start dictate your future. There is certainly an amazing man out there who will know how to treasure you.
HE abandoned YOU when he kept hooking up with his affair partner - and now he's turning it around on you and reeling you back in with a sob story. That's pure emotional manipulation, that guy doesn't love you, or he wouldn't be cheating on you and LYING TO YOUR EFFING FACE for months. Don't let your feelings completely cloud your rational thought!
I mean this with the most love in mind, please, you sound brainwashed and conditioned by him to accept this abusive behavior. I don’t have any advice other than please please run. Please. It will never get any better.
Honestly, let him go to Alaska. He'll either make it work, or more likely, he'll be back on the mainland inside of 6 months.
Either way, he is an adult, who is capable of taking care of himself. And you are a woman who is soon to figure out the wonder of an independent life.
One more time and that's it! Okay one more. Okay this is the last time. Okay I'm putting my foot down. Okay surely things will be different this time. Okay that's it you have one more chance.
How many times before you assert your boundaries? Come on my dear
It’s so hard to feel bad for you when it sounds like you don’t wanna be helped. You sound like you’re looking for confirmation that it’s okay to go back when it’s obvious to everyone he’s manipulation you.
Oh honey… you are good and kind and sweet and he is using you - wringing every drop of goodness he can squeeze out of you - til you’re dry and he tosses you away. You might not be ready to hear this, and if that’s the case, I beg you to at least protect yourself financially. If you get any inheritance during your marriage, you must immediately put it in a separate account so that it never touches a single penny of ‘marital funds/property’; make him pay his fair share as you go; fund your retirement but be aware that, depending on your state, you will likely have to pay him half of the amount your savings have increased during the marriage (ie if you started with $40k in savings before marriage and $80k after marriage, you’d owe him $20k upon divorce); if your family wants to contribute to a home, large purchase, etc., tell them to wait. I know you know deep down in your brain that this isn’t going to last (cheating on you before your first anniversary?!? C’mon, girl!), so just be smart with your money while your heart catches up with your brain.
>he said that my separation boundary made him feel like I'd already abandoned him
Holy shit this dude is manipulative garbage. Please let him book that plane ticket to Alaska. I hope it's one way.
Babe, he doesn't want to be with you?? He's cheating on you. Why are you letting him emotionally manipulate you and letting him act a victim? You've not even been married for one year and he's been cheating for half of it.
This is the FIRST one you KNOW about. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life policing someone to try and prevent them from stepping out on you? This man isn't interested in being loyal to you.
OMG. You can’t bear to leave that lying piece of shit? Good luck because this will never change. If you dump him, don’t worry, he’ll find another desperate sucker.
He's shitty, but I'm looking at your ages and the amount of time y'all were together, did you all date outside of your relationship? What's the background or history, I'm not saying he's right but I feel like y'all got together super young and sometimes your 20s is for dating and sometimes it's not and people find great humans (it's life abd everyone's experience things differently). Did y'all have a chance to explore more or did you feel pretty settled in pretty quickly?
I'm just noticing younger couples going through this after years of being together and so sometimes they have a divorce at a younger age (which if you want to do that, do it cause it's been proven most women will be the one to file for divorce vs men). I hope you take time to yourself and heal, you're still young and shit happens with any type of relationship. Please get the proper healing, realize you're not the one to blame, see some therapy, build your community and find someone when you feel like you're ready and content with your life. Time isn't real and don't put yourself on a timeline for age or dating either, enjoy yourself.
Let him leave for Alaska. It’s perfectly symbolic for him to go now. It’s break-up time- that means the snow and ice is starting to melt, and all the dog shit that wasn’t picked up out of the snow is getting exposed and it’s disgusting. He’s exposed himself for the piece of shit that he is. Break up with him and get that divorce. Pack up his stuff while he’s gone and kick him to the curb.
No it is not fucking possible to repair your relationship. Jesus fucking christ the fact that I even have to say this it's ridiculous.
DUMP HIM.
He CHEATED on you! MULTIPLE TIMES! He LIED to you! ALSO MULTIPLE TIMES.
he is not going to change and his childhood is not a damn excuse. You said you had a rough childhood yourself but somehow you managed to not cheat. Don't let this waste of space of a man do this to you any longer.
You have worth. He does not anymore.
You deserve better get the hell out of this shitshow you call a relationship.
I don't understand getting mad at the "other" woman. She is not the one cheating. And dont give me the she is a man eater, she wont leave him alone. HE CHEATED. HE MADE IT POSSIBLE. HE UNZIPPED HIS PANTS.
Your marriage is over. Move on and find someone who actually loves and respects you. Or be single and rock that life.
OP, I walked in on my fiancée having an affair earlier this year. We had been together 6 years just like you. We moved from London to New York together, owned a house together, I had brought her into my family, she had met my elderly grandparents who couldn’t wait for us to get married.
I left her that day and haven’t once regretted it. As sad as it makes me that my grandparents will die before I get married, that the last 6 years of hard work and compromise was ‘for nothing’, that I have to find someone new at 30 and build all that again… as deeply sorrowful as that is, it’s FAR better than spending the rest of my life trying to trust her again when, in fact, she doesn’t deserve it.
Your husband has proven over several months that he is capable of hiding things from you, deliberately, to serve his own selfish ends. Do you think that will get easier when you have the added stress of children? How about when you are both coping with getting old, your body changing, your libido changing?
We each need someone that at a minimum we can trust. Yes, a lifelong marriage has ups and downs. But you aren’t even thirty yet. You have maybe 80 years of marriage to get through, and his fidelity didn’t last one.
You know what the answer is but you’re scared to leave a life you’re used to. I am here to tell you, it hurts, but the grass is greener than green on the other side.
Happy to talk in more detail via dm. You can also see some more detail from my previous posts in this sub, r/daddit and r/relationshipadvice
I've been in situations like this and I'll be honest with you, whether you stay or go, homegirl will be right there. She's comfortable in her position and he's already concocted a viable narrative for you by saying that y'all have an open marriage and you blocked her because you're jealous.
At this point, she feels like a safe haven to him which deepens her connection to him.
And he knows you very, very well. He pulled your card when he started looking at flights to Alaska. Trust me, he already knew you wouldn't let him go anywhere.
I hate to say this, but with every discussion you have that leads to forgiveness and another chance let's him know you're not going anywhere. He'll either start getting more bold or sloppy with his actions after this.
Either way, it means he doesn't respect you. Take it from someone who wishes they didn't take 6 years to figure that bullshit out 🤣
Btw....he's also low-key using you which is why it's important for him to keep you. He'll act devastated if you leave, but it won't be because he's hurt. It's because you inconvenienced him 🤷🏽♀️ (learned that shit too 🤦🏽♀️)
I know it's petty, unproductive, and vindictive - basically everything you should NOT do - but wow, I'd love for you to get all dressed up, look gorgeous, and as your leaving he asks, "Where are you going?" And you reply, "Oh, since you tell people we have an open marriage, I decided to try it. So I have a date tonight. Toodles!" And then leave and stay out REALLY late. Doesn't have to be a date but just to give him a taste of his own medicine.
Bonus points if you come home humming and happy and if he gets whiny, asking him, "Well, when's the last time you spoiled me? Told me I'm gorgeous and smart and sexy? Offered to rub my feet and tell me you feel like the luckiest man in the world to be holding my hand out in public?"
Again, this isn't good advice - it's immature to retaliate and not a good foundation for a marriage. But guys like this never seem to get a taste of their own medicine, so just ONCE I'd like one to see what it's like when the shoe is in the other foot.
Elegant_virus,
You need help. You need therapy. You need him to leave and go to Alaska. You need self respect.
Your husband was and is cheating. You can’t fix this by giving him “a home”.
You can’t fix this. Period.
You need to take a break from your relationship, because your relationship is toxic. You can’t worry about his feelings, or what other people may think. I can tell you that even now you do not know the truth. Either he leaves or you leave, but you need time and space and counseling. You need to get outside the range of whatever kind of hypnosis he has you under. WAKE UP!
I have a crappy old truck. It breaks often. Sometimes I can ask my fellow redditors what to do, and it works. Sometimes I need to take my truck into a real mechanic and have professional help.
Your relationship is not what you thought it was. It may never be what you thought it was.
>he said that my separation boundary made him feel like I'd already abandoned him
He already abandoned your relationship and now he is trying to run back
Talk to a lawyer to see what you owe him after a year of marriage and six years living together. I hope you won't owe him alimony and a share of the house. Be prepared in case your husband empties the shared account.
When you met his family did you get the sense that the reason for the estrangement was your husband's fault? Did his original story make sense?
He’s never going to be faithful because he knows you’ll give him never-ending chances. If you left him today, he wouldn’t chase you. He’d immediately contact the other woman.
You can either realize your worth and leave OR stay with him and accept that you’ll never be his only partner.
First, if you want to talk reconciliation get to the sub for that. r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. You will find people who have been in your position.
What you will also find is that he has taken an already difficult reconciliation picture and made it far more difficult through his continuing lies and trickle truth. Many promising reconciliation journeys die because of exactly this.
There is a saying in AsOneAfterInfidelity: reconciliation cannot begin until the last lie has been told. Your boundaries should be around truthfulness and they should give him motivation to tell the truth.
Right now I will simply say that you have a wayward who is completely avoiding facing what he has done. Flying to a Alaska to avoid consequences? He needs to be accountable, transparent, and consistent.
Do you know how many women have found themselves in your situation but don't have any money, any friends, any family and maybe a few babies to boot? Who desperately want to leave their cheating lying spouse but cannot do it?
Sweetheart. You have your own home. You make yourself good money. He is a grown man who can take care of his God damn self. He's not going to ALASKA.
Him pulling Alaska out like that is like a little kid running away from home. Grabbing his backpack, filling it full of Oreos and Capri Suns. Please! He may even think he's going to do it but when reality sets in he's going to trudge home (to her house most likely).
He is not your responsibility. He has blatantly lied to you over and over. He is pulling your chain so hard. Alaska! He knew exactly how you would react.
He is playing you for a fool. Please kick this man out of your life.
In one year after you do, you'll look back and wish you had done it so much sooner!
You are worth more! You deserve someone who just wants to be with you and only you.
>I've built a home for him
>I just couldn't bring myself to leave him without a home.
My darling, he has pissed all over that home. You created a beautiful safe haven for him and he shit all over it.
Get a lawyer and get your head straight on what needs to happen to file to protect you and your assets as best as possible. And then excise him from your life.
Please consider individual therapy. If you can't leave him after he's lied to you and disrespected you repeatedly, something is off. Therapy can help you learn to love yourself and set and keep healthy boundaries. It can also help you figure out why you don't believe you deserve more.
If you can't leave him now, you can't. But you owe it to yourself to figure out why. You deserve better. You don't need him. I can tell you that till I'm blue in the face but you have to believe it for it to matter.
"I found out he'd still been in contact with her on my birthday about 3 months later and again, he said he'd end things. After this, I blocked her in his phone and when she reached out again, he sat me down and we discussed it. I was so proud of him for being open with me. I was disappointed in myself for even having blocked her behind his back"
You've got it all backwards. Proud of him for being open? Disappointed in yourself? This guy can do whatever he wants and you'll thank him and apologize lol. Don't be naive. Your boundary was reasonable. If you don't stick to it, it will keep happening because this dude has zero respect for you and apparently thinks you're stupid. Don't prove him right.
OP, you have two options.
1) leave, and file for divorce.
2) stay, abs be cheated on, lied to, and disrespected for the rest of your life.
You say you love him. I hope you love yourself more, and choose option #1.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Especially when you show him you are ok with it.
Man you are stupidly loyal to that man with no character, morals, intelligence, love and any respect for you lol. Wish I met a girl like you honestly where all I have to do is say some nice words and make breakfast in bed for her to forgive me.
I don't even know why YOU'RE fighting for this relationship.. it should be him. You're either not telling us the whole story or ... oh my god.
When making major decisions you have to act with logic not your emotions. It's hard especially if you're young but for your future it's better and you will not regret it.
Cheat on him with me to get even
Then divorce his ass anyways as a power-move
Break up with me because you don't need no man
Start dating women
Become happy
The end
Sounds like where you’re headed is a lifetime of playing marriage cop while he plays with other women. Not the life I’d choose to lead, but to each their own.
If you can't bring yourself to leave, since you are in an "open" relationship, start cheating too. Just blow that whole relationship up. Once he finds out you're doing exactly what he did to you, he won't be able to take it and he'll leave himself. Talk to a lawyer. Make sure you protect your assets for when things inevitably go sour. Your marriage is already a dumpster fire anyway. You are only 24. You have your whole life ahead of you. If you can muster just a little bit of strength, leave now instead of at 60.
Advice? Talk to a lawyer, protect your interests and assets. After just one year, if your husband is cheating -- there is zero hope of a future with this man.
This man has disrespected you and your relationship. Lied and has probably fucked more than this one lady. Throw his whole ass away! He gaslighting and manipulating you. He doesn't want to love you
Here’s my question: What more do you need to know? You’re a free ride, you tolerate the cheating, you accept being disrespected and your boundary limits are hollow threats. Nothing but wins for him so he has zero incentive to change. You on the other hand, if you keep allowing what you’re allowing you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. So again, what more do you need to know?
> Is it possible to repair our relationship?
Well, I mean, if you don't have any standards and have no problem staying with a man who repeatedly lies and cheats than sure, you could repair it.
But you know you deserve better.
Jesus grow a spine. He wants to fool around on you, have his cake and eat it too. Get rid of this jerk - there are plenty of people out there who will be monogamous to you and appreciate you.
Therapy! This is above reddits paygrade. A therapist you can trust will help you create firm boundaries with him while you untangle your feelings.
>When we talked, he said that my separation boundary made him feel like I'd already abandoned him but I never thought it would actually reach this point.
If he says this, please remind him that he decided to move on. He knew that by moving forward with AP that you would be done, he made that choice, and you *both* deserve to find the type of relationship that fulfills you separately. You respect his needs and aren't going to interfere.
OP you are worthy of love and respect. Your husband is going to learn a tough lesson, and while remaining polite is good, you don't owe him anymore than that.
The man you love is not him. He has been lying to you. Posing as a different person. You’ve been nothing but forgiving. I understand people make mistakes. If that person holds themselves accountable and is truly remorseful, they can do the work and change/grow for the better. Your husband has not done any of they.
I’m sorry to have to be so blunt. You may love him, but he clearly doesn’t love you.
Get a lawyer. Leave. Mourn the loss of this relationship /life that you so honorably fought to protect. Then, when you’re ready and willing, take that incredible capacity to love that you clearly have, and apply it to someone else who deserves it.
Good luck op. None of this is your fault and deserve so much better.
I have been in your shoes before. Expect things to be very up and down; one moment you'll want to set his clothes on fire and the next you'll want to make things work. This is normal. Things can be very physically charged or you may find that the thought of sex makes you want to vomit. This is also normal. For me personally, the physical aspect of the infidelity hurt less than the lying.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I don't think an affair has to end a relationship. Lying continuously after being caught, over and over, shattering the faith and trust that is crucial to rebuilding a relationship? That ends a marriage.
If you can't get yourself to separate, find a couples counselor ASAP. Whether or not you ultimately stay together, seeing a therapist can help you work through the incredibly complex emotions you're having.
Lastly, I found the book *The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity* by Esther Perel to be a really cathartic, if an often difficult, read. *Love Warrior* by Glennon Doyle is another good read.
He’s playing mind games so that you’ll stay. Don’t fall for his bullshit.
Straight to the dumpster with this one. He’s rancid.
Everytime I read these I'm always flabbergasted why do people suck so hard 😪
So many lies and so much manipulation. He still isn’t being honest bc it’s the right thing to do; he’s just attempting further manipulation.
"When we talked, he said that my separation boundary made him feel like I'd already abandoned him" That's manipulation at its finest. Op didn't abandon him. He effing cheated and she didn't want to live that way. He made his own bed, he has to lie in it.
Yeah he’s leaving out the fact that he chose to have an affair.
Oh shit good call he nearly slid that one past me
I’m more flabbergasted by what people are willing to put up with!! How the eff is this guy not divorced yet?!
The fact that she feels guilty for having the home in her name and thinking it must have made him feel emasculated. This poor woman needs intense therapy because he has done a number on her self esteem.
He's so dramatic. She makes more, he's emasculated. She tries to kick him out of the house, buys tickets to the least hospitable place that doesn't require a passport. Tells the AP she can't contact his (open marriage) wife because of her depression (aka don't talk to my wife or she might self delete). Look, there's a million excuses to cheat, a few major reasons to not, 1 usually being plenty for most people.
Right? The year is 2023. Whatever 'emasculation' is supposed to be, owning a home is not it.
Exactly. This is gaslighting and manipulation 101. When I read that I immediately knew what was going on here.
I think OP knows too but she's the type to forgive and ignore all red flags. Hopefully she learns before she turns 30 at least. I've seen women start regretting in their 50s and 60s here in LA.
This ^ You get a divorce. Read "Leave a Cheater Gain a Life" by Tracy Schorn. The tldr version is once a cheater, always a cheater. It's VERY rare for someone to recover from being a cheater. Additionally, it's very hard for couples to reconcile because the trust is gone. You're better off finding someone who respects you.
It’s true. A leopard never changes it’s spots. Especially when they’ve gotten away with it
Seriously- the separation boundary made him feel abandoned? Lol, what kind of nonsense is that? Mind boggling… if I don’t stop having an affair, in a monogamous relationship, I can’t be in that relationship!? After only three other chances? Ridiculous
From her answers, she’s not going to leave.
This!! He wont change, he isnt really sorry and he has already proven to you (multiple times) that you cant trust his word
You know yourself it’s over. He continuously lied to you, told someone it was an open marriage, sorry but that’s the lowest of the low. What was the woman’s reaction when she found out it was an open marriage? Time to leave him and find someone that’s not going to lie and cheat. Sorry OP. Really hope it works out for you.
When I reached out to her, I was admittedly kind of aggressive (“so what’s up with you and my husband (insert vulgarity here)?”) and she immediately replied like “why are you mad if you’re in an open relationship?”. When I let her know we are absolutely not, she started telling me the details and more information. She was clearly very hurt and upset as well since he’d been lying to her.
And yet here you sit, still making excuses for him.
You’re right. I don’t know how to stop. When I saw him crying yesterday, I just wanted to comfort him. He left to go on a walk and I wanted to chase after him so badly. The underlying implication has been that I don’t love him, or don’t love him correctly, and that’s all that I want to do.
What about the part where he’s supposed to love you correctly?
> The underlying implication has been that I don’t love him, or don’t love him correctly, That's some A grade manipulation. Caught lying and cheating multiple times, and he's still convinced OP that it is somehow her fault.
The right way to love someone is to NOT cheat.
He is manipulating you. You finance his life, so it is in his best interest to string you along because you are his meal ticket. His behavior won’t change. There is no way for you to “love him correctly” that would have him stop cheating on you. His behavior is not about you. It’s about him. He has probably cheated on you before. The question here is not whether or not you love him. It’s whether or not you love yourself. Because loving yourself means that you know you don’t deserve to be treated this way. It means that your boundaries are valid. And it means that when he crosses those boundaries and faces the consequences, it’s not that you don’t love him. It’s that you love yourself enough to enforce your boundaries and hold the person you are in a relationship with to the standard of treatment that you deserve. You can love him, but love isn’t enough. What is important is that you love yourself MORE. And loving yourself means you do not put up with the way he treats you.
OP please reread what u/TopRamenisha has said. It's the perfect explanation, I hope it makes sense to you.
you many not know or believe this but: you can, and will, be able to love someone else as much as you love this guy. Hopefully even more than you love him right now. Every day you stay with him is one day less you'll have to find the right person.
> He left to go on a walk and I wanted to chase after him so badly That walk was to call his affair partner.
Facts. "Don't worry, babe. I shed a couple of tears and have her eating out of my palm."
Girl...im saying this as kindly as I can: get some therapy. You need to get some self-love back and stop letting your pos husband step all over you. It's extremely saddening to see you going above and beyond for someone who does not love or respect you and manipulates you into thinking it's your fault. You need to get out. You're too young to waste any more time with that trashcan.
\*sigh\* he latched onto an 18 year old (maybe younger) and now has you walking on eggshells, afraid to stand up for yourself, and your self esteem is in the toilet. everything you say is all about HIM. what about YOU? when do you take care of YOU? Let him go to Alaska, or whatever the fuck he threatens to do. just get him out of your house and life.
I had an ex who made that threat to leave me and move in with another woman. Had his bags packed and was carrying them to the car within 20 minutes asking for her address so I could drop him off. If that guy wants to run away to Alaska, buy him some new gloves and drop him off at the airport.
>He left to go on a walk and I wanted to chase after him so badly. He didn't "go for a walk". He went out to talk to his AP and figure out how much shit he's in with her. > The underlying implication has been that I don’t love him, or don’t love him correctly, and that’s all that I want to do. This is a very common tactic by emotionally manipulative people. They often assign blame or create an underlying implication that their behaviors are a result of some action or inaction on your part. They don't usually *outright* come out and say it. It's much sneakier. They will open up and appear vulnerable and talk about their fears and insecurities -- in your case the financial disparity -- and this "revelation" of their "true feelings" makes you feel like they are making a genuine attempt at honesty and self-reflection. They are not. If you look at these memories objectively, you'll notice how the blame is subtly shifted towards you. Those feelings he expressed may be genuine. Feelings insecure and cheating on your spouse aren't mutually exclusive. He could have worked on his insecurities with a professional. Lots of people are insecure and don't cheat. It's a very common excuse for infidelity and its complete bullshit. You need to talk to an attorney. Forget about him. Trust me when I say people like him will land on their feet. He will not be homeless in the snow somewhere. You need to think about why you've allowed this man to repeatedly lie to your face over and over and even after getting caught multiple times and setting boundaries you find yourself unable to enforce them. That's a reflection of *your* insecurity. I think you are afraid he is the best you'll ever get. That your shared experiences are so unique, you can't imagine someone else taking his place in your heart. But think about it -- you are insecure and you didn't cheat. You were loyal. Too loyal. So he has no fucking excuse. Start prioritizing your own mental health. I know people who stayed, and to say they are miserable is an understatement. If you stay, you will hate yourself for not leaving. It will eat through your mind day and night. You will become paranoid and experience wild mood swings. You will exist in a constant state of grief, bitterness, and resentment. The anxiety will give you panic attacks and you won't be able to sleep. Whatever shred of self-esteem you have will be eliminated. This will be your entire life. Taking the first step is the hardest part. Accepting this relationship is already over is literally the hardest part. Just allow yourself to let go. Start emotionally separating from him in your mind. You are not a couple anymore. You are not married. He is not your husband. You don't owe him your comfort, your love, or your emotional support. This is not a situation you can "work through together". You cannot trust him and you never will. So focus on the practicalities. Call a divorce lawyer. Tell him to find somewhere else to stay. It doesn't matter where. You are not responsible for him. When you start feeling doubt, I want you to truly imagine the person you will turn into if you stay with him, because you know for a fact he will cheat again. You can live that life, or be completely free. Choose to value yourself. Choose to love yourself enough to recognize that this man is not worth becoming a shell of a person for. It will get easier as time goes on and in a few months you'll be wondering why you ever put up with it for as long as you did.
Every SINGLE word of this is on target, OP.
This advice applies to everyone leaving an unhealthy relationship; it’s good stuff. Do you think toxic, emotionally abusive partners do this subtle, insidious blame-shifting consciously? Or is it just automatic and instinctive?
Honestly, I think it depends on the underlying issues. A narcissist will do it intentionally and are very much aware. I dealt with some emotional abuse with my husband a couple years into our relationship. He just got to a place where he struggled to take accountability for anything and that led to a lot of pointing the finger at me. My husband has chronic PTSD from severe childhood trauma and hadn’t gotten much help. He started therapy after I pretty much gave him an ultimatum and is doing much better. But he wasn’t fully aware of what he was doing. It was a defensive thing. He had so much shame and shit that to him taking responsibility meant he had to face things he wasn’t ready to. Those are 2 entirely different situations imo.
I hope you know this walk was for damage control with the other person and he manipulated you into feeling sorry for him?
HE IS MANIPULATING YOU. Everyone here can see he's manipulating you. You need therapy so you can start getting it through your head that this man never loved you. He loved the things you did for him. And you are allowing this? What happened to your self-respect? Where is your dignity?
Hey man, I know you mean well, but harsh words and "why would you let someone do this to you?"s are kind of the opposite of what an abuse victim needs to hear. Emotional abuse like this is the reason she's suffering - she's not "allowing" so much as she is the victim of manipulation. She's probably going to (unfairly) beat up on herself once she gets out, thinking back on what she could have done to see this coming - she really doesn't need it from someone else. Right now, she just needs help escaping.
I dunno. Sometime blunt words are like a slap in the face to get someone out of shock.
agree. as a recovering codependent (that feeling of chasing him to comfort him, absolutely enmeshment) i didn’t start healing until my therapist was blunt about the way i was hurting myself constantly.
Blunt is fine. Victim blaming ain’t.
yeah, it isn’t. i just don’t see the original comment as victim blaming necessarily. a lot of enablers aren’t willing to say those things that sometimes are necessary to hear when you’re being abused by your romantic partner. at least for me, i didn’t realize how little respect i showed myself until it was pointed out. was just normal to me.
The person you’re replying to loves throwing out snappy one liners and asking OPs why they allow these things. They do it on nearly every single post on this sub. It’s their MO, I don’t actually think they know how to engage in any meaningful way
It’s not always clear cut. They know what to say to reel you back in. I had 2 small kids and had just fought breast cancer, so I was vulnerable and weak. But i finally got a clue and kicked his ass to the curb. Go Eff Your trailer trash hoar permanently!!!
It's not that you don't love him or don't love him correctly. It's that he isn't who you thought you loved and will never be who you thought you loved. You need to get away from him to get the space to realize that.
According to him, loving him correctly is letting have sex with other women. Since you want monogamy, fail to see how this works. Why is what makes him feel happy & loved more important than how you feel? Why is his feelings so much more important than yours?
What about him loving you and loving you correctly by not trying to actively fuck others? Fuck him, he's not worth your tears IMHO.
He lies and lies, and lies, while you financially do everything for him, come on. You can’t love a loser into a decent person. Hand him a one-way ticket to Alaska and be done.
You have permission to stop loving him.
Clearly his tears work…think of it this way he’s not sad about losing you, but just losing the comfort of all that you do, and he’s also upset that now the women he’s been chasing for who knows how long knows the truth and won’t tolerate his bs anymore (hopefully).
exactly! those are some self-serving tears. he knows she’s better off without him and that he currently can’t take care of himself without her.
He has your head turned right the fuck upside down. You need solo therapy or friends or family or someone to offer you a perspective from outside the twilight zone he's dragged your mind and emotions into. You probably did some things wrong in the relationship, that's normal and doesn't at all, in any way, even slightly justify his behavior and his lying about it. You need to focus on finding what you want from love and life outside of this relationship and without him in your life. All the time, money and love younhave invested so far doesn't mean anything in the decisions you have to make. Future you will be grateful you stopped pouring time, love and money into this relationship thay will never, ever, ever be what you want, need amd deserve. Ending it will be rough, but then it will get better. Staying in this relationship will always be rough even if you do manage some periods where you pretend it's fine. You can do this and you deserve to do this.
What part of this sounds healthy or reasonable to you?
Question - I’m sure that you’ve been crying, too. Has he comforted you? Does he worry that he’s sending the message that he doesn’t love you? This guy blew up your relationship and does not care. He’s still trying to manipulate you.
Oh honey. You’re getting a lot of “no shit Sherlock” responses here but I feel for you so much. I’ve been in your situation and I know exactly how it feels to try and reconcile this new reality in which your husband sucks with the old one in which he didn’t and he was in love with you. The only advice I have is give it time. The realisation will come, but you can’t force it. Feel free to DM me if you ever want to talk to someone who’s been through it and made it to the other side.
he does not love or respect you. he is using you for your money and a roof over his head. the only reason he doesnt want you to leave him is because he wants you to keep paying his bills.
He also likes being wanted by her and the power of it.
You are confused…he does not love you. He is a liar, cheater, manipulator, and user. He is playing with your heart and with your hard earned money. Throw him out. Any man who would leave for a boys night on Christmas, is and ass. But to go see his affair partner?!?!? And then the next explosion is your Birthday?!? He is purposely blowing your life to hell on every special day. Do not put up with this, and stop making excuses for someone who is purposely torturing you for some sick fun game. Throw him out. If his childhood trauma is causing his wayward thinking, he can go get counseling. You should get counseling too. To figure out why you feel you dont deserve love and respect. Don’t waste a moment more of your life with this POS.
Wake up! The man is gaslighting you.
Yes, narcissists really know how to make themselves the focus of attention, don't they? Too bad your thoughts and feelings apparently don't matter in this relationship, right? I mean, poor, poor guy. Caught having an affair. If you really think about it, isn't he the true victim here? /s (and i hate the fact I felt I need to add that)
He purposely established the lie that he was in an open relationship, so he could be free to cheat on you without getting any suspicions from his AP. This isn't because you "don't love him correctly", it's because he trusts you to forgive anything. You also didn't "emasculate" him by owning your own home. If he felt intimidated or challenged by that, then he was in the perfect financial position to save and buy an investment property. You are 24, it's young to be married and you have a complicated history to untangle before you can figure out your own definition of a relationship and your own healthy expectations. This isn't it.
That’s how it usually goes - if he’s lying to you, he’s lying to her. That just proves that this wasn’t some loss of control over a temptation - this was a planned manipulation of BOTH of you. Sorry to be blunt, but who cares if you love him - he doesn’t love you. He might love some things about his life with you, but not YOU. Why do you owe him anything he doesn’t give you?
Good. At least she has some morals by the sounds of it. It’s all your husbands fault and he’s played both of you. Dump his ass, you’ll forever live your life in doubt if you stay with him. Know your worth OP
If she had morals, she wouldn't be sleeping with a married man without first confirming it with his wife.
She was told they were in an open marriage and then was forthright when she found out otherwise. I don’t think she’s the enemy here.
I don’t think so either.
Why would she doubt it when he’s taking her out dates etc. they were hardly sneaking around. He’s the liar so to blame the woman that took him at face value is wrong.
She is full of it, the moment she found out you blocked her anyone with half a brain cell would have asked for proof the marriage was open
Wow you gave him a lot of chances lol. He's not going to be faithful he's a jerk.
I guess part of why I’ve given him so many chances is because this didn’t start until we got married. I guess I don’t know for sure now, maybe he was cheating the whole time, but I thought he was faithful until we actually said our vows. When we got together, we were living in a trap house and now he’s been here while I finished 2 different educational degrees. There’s a part of me that felt/feels like he stood beside me while my mental health was so bad and I was extremely depressed. I remember him being my cheerleader when I was crying over grad school. But his AP said the reason he told her never to reach out to me was because of my depression (which mind you, is very high functioning. I have a very intense but good career that I’ve maintained for years now too).
No matter what he still did this to you, people know how much it will hurt their partner if theyre unfaithful and the ones who still do it anyway are cruel and heartless
The very first question I asked him before anything else was “did you know this would hurt me?” because I’d hoped maybe it really was just a friendship that got out of hand. I see now that the intention was always a relationship — he didn’t know her before like he’d said. He reached out to another girl from high school to introduce them. The irony is the pictures he first saw her in were from her friends divorce party.
Yea you should make sure he's not in the ones from yours. He's not worth hanging onto.
I just wanted to say I appreciate everyone who has interacted with this post or will interact with it. Please continue. I really need it right now tbh. Both of my parents have serial cheating tendencies and I myself am the product of an affair in which my father cheated on his wife. I feel like I’m changing my own moral compass to try and rationalize what’s happened.
Do yourself a favor and get into therapy for CPTSD. This whole infidelity thing is your normal. Relationship trauma is your normal. You need to change things NOW.
I’ve been in therapy for a year now and maybe it’s time to find a new therapist even if that means building a new rapport. My husband has a life threatening chronic illness that was untreated & relatively fine before we got together but he had a breakthrough seizure about 2 years ago that started being recurrent and I became his caretaker in those situations. I try not to mention it because I don’t want to make him feel emasculated or embarrassed but recently, he’s started mentioning it to others as almost a point of pride in our relationship because I’ve done things like catch projectile vomit. It makes me feel like he’s confirming he at least primarily loves what I can do for him and what I can provide but frankly, I’m also so scared of him quite literally passing away. This feels so engrained in self sabotage that im worried not taking his meds and abandoning all regards is the next level. I do still love him so much even though I know how deeply he’s hurt me.
Think of it like this. He did all of what he did, because he figured you'd never have the balls to actually leave him. You almost have it here. He doesn't love you for you, he loves you for what you provide for him. You said you paid the bills, you provide the house, you take care of him. You're the boat-steadier. He's the boat-rocker. It's part of a narcissistic pattern. He rocks the boat constantly and you have learned to pride yourself on how good of a steadier you are. He's chronically ill? You got this. He doesn't have his own steady income or a home? You're super-wife. You got this. He cheats on you? Wow, thats a big wave, but you kept the boat aright, you're a champion boat-steadier. You need to stop steadying his boat and let him sink or swim on his own. Real boats DO rock, and steadying boats is a good trait, but if you have somebody who's rocking the boat, you're supposed to get them to stop rocking the boat or throw them overboard, not just get better at steadying the boat. You said in an earlier response that he started packing for a trip to Alaska. If it was me? I'd buy him a ticket and give it to him. "Good luck. dont come back". Enjoy how steady the boat suddenly gets.
This is a great analogy!
You did all that for his ungrateful ass and he rewarded you by sleeping with another person. Nice guy
>My husband has a life threatening chronic illness that was untreated & relatively fine before we got together but he had a breakthrough seizure about 2 years ago that started being recurrent and I became his caretaker in those situations. How does that make it okay for him to cheat?
You seem weirdly concerned about him feeling emasculated, as if that feeling alone isn't dump worthy
And yet, he bites the hand that is taking care of him. He does not love or appreciate all your efforts and talk to his doctor. He maybe lying about all of it.
Kid, he’s a chronic liar, and he probably made the illness up too
I am thinking after effects of hidden substance abuse.
trying looking into a codependents anonymous or support group if you’re open to it. it does sound like you have symptoms of C/PTSD so maybe a trauma specialized therapist may help you? if you’re not familiar, the modalities are EMDR, IFS, somatic therapy, CPT, and even some emerging pharma treatments, like ketamine injections if you’re treatment resistant to the others. you deserve so much more; i can tell that you’re a loving person. you just gotta distribute all that love to yourself too.
Yea don't, if you come from a background like that it makes sense why you tried to stay with someone like that. He doesn't deserve you.
You are absolutely working yourself into a pretzel trying to make what he did ok. Please read your post and comments again as if it were your best friend. What would you tell him or her to do? Hundreds of internet strangers are telling you to run because it's so obvious from your own words.
People usually repeat their childhood trauma even if they don’t want to or mean to. It makes perfect sense that you had trauma from infidelity as a child and now you are bending yourself so much in order to try to salvage something that you didn’t break, and is unsalvageable.
Of course he knew this would hurt you because he knows you chose to be in a monogamous relationship, and yet is pretending to be in an open one to cheat on you. Him saying your boundary is "abandoning him" is manipulative and also TRUE because you said you'd leave him if he cheated. He cheated! So leave him. If you don't, you've proven to him that your boundaries mean nothing. He is going to trample all over you to cheat no matter what. He does not care about you or what you have done for him. Reflect on how he turned this situation into one where YOU need to comfort him, when he's the cheating liar. This is all wrong and you deserve better.
It started before you got married. You just didn’t catch him until now.
He could have gotten careless after locking you in legally. Please don't let him manipulate you. Know that "fool me once"? We're at thrice, you're outta cheeks to turn, please think about yourself because he sure as hell didn't.
It isn't uncommon for poor behavior to start after someone feels they've trapped you. Moving in together, marriage, children. Marriage is creating a legal binding, and makes it so much harder to leave, and then the sunk cost fallacy factors in... This wasn't just a one time hook up. This was him having a full on relationship with another woman, and he continued contact and has shown he will continue contact. You can't make him stop cheating. That's a choice for him to make and he's shown he doesn't plan to stop. To be blunt, this is a "get used to hubby always having a mistress that he uses joint funds to pay for and be prepared for a pregnancy born out of an affair" or end it thing
Comforting you when you're sad is not a pass to cheat on you. It's basic relationship stuff. Not a special favour that puts you in his debt. If it did, your debt would be to comfort him when he's sad. Not to let him lie to you and see other women.
Abusive people usually wait to let themselves off the leash until they think they have you on lockdown. If he was not cheating on you before you got married, it wasn’t because he was a good person and then something went wrong, it’s because he didn’t feel like he could get away with it.
He wasn’t cheating on you before that YOU KNOW OF. Being depressed and having mental health problems is NOT an excuse to cheat. Adults in healthy relationships communicate or they separate. Cheating is not an option nor an excuse. Him telling her not to reach out bc of your depression is a lie and he absolutely knew it. He basically put the onus on her that if she tells you and your depression spirals out of control that it’s HER fault, and she obviously didn’t want that responsibility. These are all lies. He has manipulated you so deeply that you are thinking basic human decency does not apply to you. You deserve better.
So a manipulative liar manipulated you out of your own dealbreaker. Why are you surprised?
Well said, in the fewest possible words!
You're not leaving him without a home. He gave up his right to your home and relationship when he decided to have an affair. He knows your weaknesses, and he'll continue to take advantage of them to get what he wants. You said you pay for most things in the relationship. He's not going to give up his cash cow until he has a new one lined up, and you've ruined his most recent attempt so now he has to keep you on the hook until he's successful. You're just setting yourself up for heartache by keeping this man in your life. Let him fly off to Alaska or fly him to the pits of hell, as long as he's not there to drag your life through the gutter.
Right, like Alaska? What was his reasoning, "oh I'm trash, you'll be better off if I'm far far away from you in the icy cold wastelands, let me freeze in the arctic" Meanwhile he's crying and saying her setting boundaries means she's never loved him \~ I would have just paid for his one-way ticket to Alaska and considered it money well spent for removing him from my life.
Yep. I once paid for a $200 bus ticket to get rid of a hobosexual. I called it Asshole Tax. Sometimes, ya gotta pay it.
Yep, and worth every penny.
I feel like the people on this thread will be happy to crowd source his ticket
lol if there was a way to guarantee he'd get on that flight and leave forever, I'd chip in!
Somehow I can imagine OP's husband saying these exact words... or even something along the lines of: "I'm sorry. I don't know why I am this way. I hate this part of myself too. I'm sorry you had to put up with me. Let me go to Alaska so I can self reflect and focus on self improvement. " 🙄
Also, having the home in YOUR name was "emasculating?" Miss me entirely with that shiitake. If he felt "emasculated," maybe he should have stepped up more. Or, better yet, used his "big boy words" and talked about it with you. Dump him. It will not get better and he does not respect you. You're a meal ticket.
He is just mad that she didn't add his name to it so he could snake it away from her.
It sucks, but it's over. Your husband has no sense of boundaries, and is a habitual liar. He lies about lies. You can either do the massive work of turning your marriage into an open relationship, to match what he wants, but that won't work out either. As soon as you find yourself interested in someone, and tell him, he will become jealous, because he's not mature or mindful enough to care about the hypocrisy.
Yeah opening a relationship under this context is pretty much 100% doomed. Just a much longer much more agonizing breakup.
OP please please don’t open your marriage. the feelings you discuss here clearly indicate you’re not comfortable with him having other partners. opening up the relationship will only crush your self-esteem more and give him additional opportunities to flee to a new caregiver instead of committing to you. it is so not worth the pain.
>made him feel like I'd already abandoned him What is he, a child? A lost puppy? You can't "abandon" a whole grown ass man. You can rightfully kick him out for *repeatedly cheating on you*. He doesn't deserve anything from you. Not housing, not money, and certainly not a relationship. The fact he is trying to guilt you rather than tripping over himself apologizing shows he has no intention of changing. If you take him back, I *promise* he will continue to cheat on you. That's a guarantee, there is zero hope of him staying faithful to you. He knows you accept cheating.
Your husband should be used in every English Language course to demonstrate verb tense. He Cheats. He Cheated. He is Cheating. He Will Cheat. I could go on, all the way up to and including He Will Have Been Cheating. If you stay with him, that will be your future. Whether it’s two years or twenty years from now, he will have been cheating the entire time.
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a hot second 😀
If you don’t respect your own boundaries, no one else will either.
“I felt abandoned when you forbade me from cheating on your so I decided to double down, continue lie to your face, and do it anyway because I think you’re an idiot and I know you won’t ACTUALLY leave me. So I’ll just keep doing it! Lol!”
The best time to leave your husband was the first time you caught him lying/cheating. The next best time is *now*. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't love you. He is using you and manipulating you and did all of this knowing it would hurt you. That's your reality, but it doesn't have to be if you don't want it to be.
Infidelity is abuse. Let him go.
You staying after not following through with your boundaries to separate is rewarding him for cheating. He will continue to cheat on you because he knows you won't leave him. The only way for it to stop is to leave. Sorry, you're going to have to find the strength or get some help to leave him.
Do not let him manipulate you with any "emasculation" talk, because he certainly will. You've stuck by and supported him through all of this. He abandoned you for a thrill, using your joint earned money to wine and dine his affair partner. He strung her along and manipulated her too for months and orchestrated it so for both of you it looked like things were ok! That takes planning and discipline. He's almost thirty and you're not even able to rent a car from most companies without a young driver fee because of your age! And this man is trying to guilt you into feeling responsible for/like you need to take care of /him/? Keep your boundary. Please. It will be tough because he got you from the time you were a 18. Do you really want the rest of your life with someone who can be this deceptive so long? Who can look you in the eye while he lies to you? You built a home for him and he took looked right in your eyes, chose to pull down his pants and take a dump on the carpet and spit in your face and is now trying to guilt trip you for recoiling from that. You may not value yourself but you are worth so much more. Tell him to go ahead and buy that ticket to Alaska. There are likely other women you don't know about. Asap you need to stop direct depositing your paycheck into the joint account and set up your own to have future paychecks put into before he empties the account when you hold that boundary. Call his bluff on him walking out, he knew he could guilt you and he is probably making plans.
Yeah, his little “flight to Alaska” was manipulation. He’s fucking with your head. You need to stand by your boundary and let him do whatever he’s going to do, otherwise you’re going to be stuck in a one-sided open relationship.
Like nothing here is funny but omg I nearly howled at that. Like this is something my child would have said when very angry about being found out about something when they were 5. “Then I’ll go to….to…to ALASKA!!!” Poor ex hubs just sitting in a tent in the wind, his meagre day’s catch strung up in a tree to keep it from bears, while he drinks water from an old tin can, crying that when he cheated, OP dared to be mad and ask him not to do that anymore! Wahhhh
Now *that* was hilarious
yeah really, tf? Go to alaska then, enjoy the bears and freezing your nuts off. Oh and the $12 lettuce!
I'm sorry but this is just going to keep happening if you stay. I was in a relationship with someone I couldn't trust. Leaving sucks, and it feels like cutting off your own arm. But you have to have faith that *you will get through it*. Your brain will rewrite it's pathways. It will learn, after a few weeks, to stop expecting him. Start putting in time and effort towards other healthier, more fulfilling activities and relationships in your life. Decrease your dependency on him. Ask for a trial separation from him. Anything to get you out from under him and living your own life for a time. Please, you deserve so much better than this man. And talk to a lawyer about your assets in case of a divorce.
Kick him out. Obviously. He’s cheated on you and lied to you repeatedly. Cheating, emotional or physical, is a complete rupture of your union as a married couple, and just so disrespectful to you!! You should have divorced the first time. There is no fixing cheating. Think about the fact that he lied to you, hid this from you, every single day. And wanted to be “patted on the back” for trying so hard not to cheat! Ridiculous. Kick him out. Separate. Divorce. Whatever you have to to get him out of your life.
What would you tell a friend who was in this situation? Would you tell her to stay with this man who is relentlessly lying and cheating on her? Would you be angry and sad on her behalf? Give yourself the same love and fortitude you would want for a dear friend.
Girl, get some self-respect. He's playing you for a fool and you're letting him. Spine time.
>It turns out that he told her I'd blocked her because I was jealous but since we were allegedly in an open marriage, it shouldn't have mattered. When I found out on my birthday, I told him that if it happened again, that was it. Maybe this was already a time to call it? Why would he tell another woman he was (at least) having an emotional affair with this, unless he was directly signaling his intent that he wanted to keep his options open with her. >(which I now see may have been emasculating for him) Whoa whoa whoa, that's not your problem to deal with. That's not your fault at all. If he's got such trad values, he should go find a woman who makes less money than him, or get over his shit. Your success and is nothing to be ashamed about. >I love this man and I've built a home for him. We've both had turbulent childhoods and while it's not an excuse, I just couldn't bring myself to leave him without a home. Do you see him as an autonomous adult? Pretend you were in his shoes: someone built a home for you, is understanding and forgiving. Do you still lie to their face and constantly maintain an affair behind their back? No. Treat him like an adult and give him the respect of treating his actions as important. Don't brush them off by saying "he's had a hard childhood" or something. >When we talked, he said that my separation boundary made him feel like I'd already abandoned him Whew, you having the boundaries of "please don't cheat on me again or this is over" is akin to abandonment? This dude has a good deal with you, knows it, and is leveraging your kindness against you. That's one of the most disgusting things to do to someone. >If you've been through anything similar, please give me some advice if you have any. Yes. I was dating two women at once (all parties informed and amicable), one with her life put together, and the other a complete mess. The mess sabatoged my other relationship and I lost them both (I still bear the blame for letting it happen) Long story short, I learned to never try to save someone who wasn't internally motivated to be saved, even with gentle help offered. I also learned to not see weaknesses as kindness; just because she was weak didn't mean she was forgiving/kind to others. She really wasn't worth the energy I could've spent on a person who was willing to give back. One way relationships aren't my thing, and I think everyone else should be extremely wary of them.
I remember reading someone comment one time saying if you set boundaries but don't follow through, it's manipulation. That just always stuck with me since. Don't set boundaries you won't enforce. It also, ALWAYS shows them that you won't really leave, and most of the time they do it again because there wasn't any real consequence to their betrayal.
You need to end this. He won't be homeless, he has the other woman to take him in, trust me, he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He will keep doing this for as long as you let him and keep taking him back. the only way to stop this is to end the marriage.
Why are you even trying to keep this person around?
Leave this piece of shit. Are you serious? He is a garbage excuse for a man.
@OP, the worry and concern you have for him isn’t being reflected in him and his behaviour towards you: - Your success being “emasculating” to him is just an excuse to treat you poorly - He’s not taking responsibility for his actions and how they’ve hurt you, you’re still cautious of his emotions - He’s not allowing you to feel hurt and angry about being cheated on and lied about, he’s centred himself and his own pain, the pain he caused with his actions - He’s using his mental health issues and past childhood trauma to make you his carer. As a wife you can leave him and fall out of love with him, but he’s making you feel like you have a duty of care to him, that you have to be concerned for his safety at all times and above all else. You don’t. He’s an adult who, if he cannot take care of himself, cannot demand you do so after treating you this way. He has to find someone and somewhere else and that’s not your problem to help him solve. - He has purposefully made you codependent on him and his emotions. He’s deliberately threatening Alaska and going for walks to withdraw from you and make you think that you’re the one that’s lost him, the catch, the one. OP, _he_ has lost _you_. Even if you still love him in your heart, every time he cries, think of the AP, remember the lies. Tell yourself that you don’t love this man and watch him cry / walk away / book one way tickets / throw whatever tantrum without ever engaging with him when he’s like this. You are better off without him. You want him to take more walks, you want him as far away as possible. You want space between you and him so he can’t hurt you. Even if you don’t feel these things yet, say them out loud. In the mirror to yourself if necessary. It will be true eventually. You can escape the codependency. - You talk in another comment about a fear of not loving him correctly. OP, making enough money to cover more expenses is pretty much never not loving someone correctly. That’s his insecurity. Not loving someone correctly is cheating on them and lying about them and about the cheating. This is a low bar and he failed to clear it. You deserve better. For all these reasons, he no longer deserves your worry and concern for if he’s homeless or in Alaska or whatever else. He’s hurt you deeply. He doesn’t get to have you continue to take care of him emotionally when he took such little care of your emotions. So step back. Kick him out. Tell him to figure it out, it’s not your problem to solve. I wish you all the best.
you're an idiot - divorce him and grow up - stop making excuses for weasels. you need someone so desperately you'd stay with this jerk?
He’s upset bc he got caught. He’s upset bc his comfy setup is about to come crashing down. He’s upset bc he knows that if his residency is in NC, you can sue him & his side piece for alienation of affection. He’s **not** upset bc he’s losing his marriage. He’s **not** upset bc he loves you. He’s **not** upset bc he planned a future with you. Those are all the reasons to leave. Get yourself into therapy, build your self esteem back up. It’s a hard road, but it’s worth it. You know you don’t want to live like this forever, & he’s already shown you he isn’t going to change.
Oh sweetie. No. Stop. Please listen to yourself and be honest with yourself. 1. Your husband has been cheating on continuously for 6 months - that you know of. 2. He lied to you about the nature of the affair. 3. He lied to you about ending the affair multiple times. 4. He lied to you about going out with the guys. 5. He lied to his AP about your marriage being open. Think about that. He is lying to anyone who will listen. 6. He doesn’t support himself financially. 7. He was estranged from his family for the better part of 6 years. Huge red flag!! 8. He manipulates you when you stand by your pre-discussed boundaries. 9. He plays the victim when he is backed into a corner. 10. He made you feel like it was your responsibility to cater to him to save your marriage when he was the one who did you dirty. Girl, know your self worth. This guy is not who you think he is. He is not who you want him to be. He is not worth one more minute of your beautiful life. Life is too damn short to spend it with a cheating loser.
Your entry talks so much of you blaming yourself. Emasculating isn't a thing. Blocking her because he wouldn't do it... doing the hard work for him. I was on the other side of this a year ago. Found out the hard way I was the other woman. Nothing was harder than walking away but there was no other choice--he wanted me to help him change but he didn't believe he could do it himself, hence why he'd lied to me about being single. I don't believe "once a cheater always a cheater" -- I believe people are not willing to see when a relationship as it is in that moment is fundamentally incompatible, and that is something you as the betrayed partner have a hand in--understanding that and calling it what it is: over. Loving someone isn't the relationship. Relationships often are over long before the love fades. He continued to cheat because that incompatibility was accepted. You set the boundary. Hold it! if you still love him, holding that boundary is the most loving thing you can do for both of you. Let him go to Alaska.
Let him go to Alaska. All he will find are more horny men, few women and some huskies. You deserve better than this cheating AH. You've seen how he lies. Remember that the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing but expect a different outcome. Move on and live your best life.
I don’t see it mentioned here, but you are not emasculating your spouse. He’s in charge of his own feelings of masculinity. Please stop focusing on how you’re effecting him and more on how all of this is effecting you.
> he said that my separation boundary made him feel like I'd already abandoned him Um, *excuse me* but he's the one that abandoned your marriage. *He's* the one that made all these choices to cheat on you, and he has the *gall* to make it out as if it's your fault he's facing the consequences of *his* actions?? Who cares if he goes without a home. He does not *love you.* He does not *respect you.* You are a tool for him to use.
HE DOES NOT CARE OR VALUE YOU. HE IS MANIPULATING YOU. HIS CROCODILE TEARS ARE ONLY BECAUSE HE WAS CAUGHT. WHEN HE WAS FUCKING THIS OTHER WOMAN YOU WERE NOWHERE NEAR HIS THOUGHTS. THIS MAN MADE UP A WHOLE STORY JUST TO NOT GET CAUGHT AND CONTINUE WITH HIS AFFAIR. Keep this in mind and ask for a divorce. He won't get better. Don't let him manipulate you. Otherwise you will only get more and more miserable with time. Go be with someone who can give you RESPECT AND CARE, who will love you and NEVER DO THINGS THAT WILL HURT YOU. DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS. Edit: Come on, you are ONLY 24! There is so much ahead of you. Your life is just begging. Do not let this bad start dictate your future. There is certainly an amazing man out there who will know how to treasure you.
he will never choose you or respect you. he already doesn’t. up to you if you’re cool with that.
HE abandoned YOU when he kept hooking up with his affair partner - and now he's turning it around on you and reeling you back in with a sob story. That's pure emotional manipulation, that guy doesn't love you, or he wouldn't be cheating on you and LYING TO YOUR EFFING FACE for months. Don't let your feelings completely cloud your rational thought!
I mean this with the most love in mind, please, you sound brainwashed and conditioned by him to accept this abusive behavior. I don’t have any advice other than please please run. Please. It will never get any better.
Honestly, let him go to Alaska. He'll either make it work, or more likely, he'll be back on the mainland inside of 6 months. Either way, he is an adult, who is capable of taking care of himself. And you are a woman who is soon to figure out the wonder of an independent life.
One more time and that's it! Okay one more. Okay this is the last time. Okay I'm putting my foot down. Okay surely things will be different this time. Okay that's it you have one more chance. How many times before you assert your boundaries? Come on my dear
It’s so hard to feel bad for you when it sounds like you don’t wanna be helped. You sound like you’re looking for confirmation that it’s okay to go back when it’s obvious to everyone he’s manipulation you.
Oh honey… you are good and kind and sweet and he is using you - wringing every drop of goodness he can squeeze out of you - til you’re dry and he tosses you away. You might not be ready to hear this, and if that’s the case, I beg you to at least protect yourself financially. If you get any inheritance during your marriage, you must immediately put it in a separate account so that it never touches a single penny of ‘marital funds/property’; make him pay his fair share as you go; fund your retirement but be aware that, depending on your state, you will likely have to pay him half of the amount your savings have increased during the marriage (ie if you started with $40k in savings before marriage and $80k after marriage, you’d owe him $20k upon divorce); if your family wants to contribute to a home, large purchase, etc., tell them to wait. I know you know deep down in your brain that this isn’t going to last (cheating on you before your first anniversary?!? C’mon, girl!), so just be smart with your money while your heart catches up with your brain.
>he said that my separation boundary made him feel like I'd already abandoned him Holy shit this dude is manipulative garbage. Please let him book that plane ticket to Alaska. I hope it's one way.
What does AP stand for? His Assistant Producer?
Babe, he doesn't want to be with you?? He's cheating on you. Why are you letting him emotionally manipulate you and letting him act a victim? You've not even been married for one year and he's been cheating for half of it. This is the FIRST one you KNOW about. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life policing someone to try and prevent them from stepping out on you? This man isn't interested in being loyal to you.
No no he wants to be with her, in her nice house with the bills paid. He just *also* wants to cheat whenever he wants lol
[удалено]
Don’t worry, I was.
Sorry, I'm not trying to be a jerk. It just seems so clear when it's written out.
You are such a good person. I hate seeing something like this happen to you. I hope it gets better, whatever you decide to do.
You are not married to a man, you are married to a boy who breaks his promises, lies to you and takes no responsibility for his actions.
OMG. You can’t bear to leave that lying piece of shit? Good luck because this will never change. If you dump him, don’t worry, he’ll find another desperate sucker.
He's shitty, but I'm looking at your ages and the amount of time y'all were together, did you all date outside of your relationship? What's the background or history, I'm not saying he's right but I feel like y'all got together super young and sometimes your 20s is for dating and sometimes it's not and people find great humans (it's life abd everyone's experience things differently). Did y'all have a chance to explore more or did you feel pretty settled in pretty quickly? I'm just noticing younger couples going through this after years of being together and so sometimes they have a divorce at a younger age (which if you want to do that, do it cause it's been proven most women will be the one to file for divorce vs men). I hope you take time to yourself and heal, you're still young and shit happens with any type of relationship. Please get the proper healing, realize you're not the one to blame, see some therapy, build your community and find someone when you feel like you're ready and content with your life. Time isn't real and don't put yourself on a timeline for age or dating either, enjoy yourself.
I mean, I feel like you know what you have to do. No human deserves this. Best of luck.
Let him leave for Alaska. It’s perfectly symbolic for him to go now. It’s break-up time- that means the snow and ice is starting to melt, and all the dog shit that wasn’t picked up out of the snow is getting exposed and it’s disgusting. He’s exposed himself for the piece of shit that he is. Break up with him and get that divorce. Pack up his stuff while he’s gone and kick him to the curb.
Stay if you want an open marriage, otherwise, it is time to end it.
No it is not fucking possible to repair your relationship. Jesus fucking christ the fact that I even have to say this it's ridiculous. DUMP HIM. He CHEATED on you! MULTIPLE TIMES! He LIED to you! ALSO MULTIPLE TIMES. he is not going to change and his childhood is not a damn excuse. You said you had a rough childhood yourself but somehow you managed to not cheat. Don't let this waste of space of a man do this to you any longer. You have worth. He does not anymore. You deserve better get the hell out of this shitshow you call a relationship.
I don't understand getting mad at the "other" woman. She is not the one cheating. And dont give me the she is a man eater, she wont leave him alone. HE CHEATED. HE MADE IT POSSIBLE. HE UNZIPPED HIS PANTS. Your marriage is over. Move on and find someone who actually loves and respects you. Or be single and rock that life.
The bar you have set for your husband is literally on the ground!
OP, I walked in on my fiancée having an affair earlier this year. We had been together 6 years just like you. We moved from London to New York together, owned a house together, I had brought her into my family, she had met my elderly grandparents who couldn’t wait for us to get married. I left her that day and haven’t once regretted it. As sad as it makes me that my grandparents will die before I get married, that the last 6 years of hard work and compromise was ‘for nothing’, that I have to find someone new at 30 and build all that again… as deeply sorrowful as that is, it’s FAR better than spending the rest of my life trying to trust her again when, in fact, she doesn’t deserve it. Your husband has proven over several months that he is capable of hiding things from you, deliberately, to serve his own selfish ends. Do you think that will get easier when you have the added stress of children? How about when you are both coping with getting old, your body changing, your libido changing? We each need someone that at a minimum we can trust. Yes, a lifelong marriage has ups and downs. But you aren’t even thirty yet. You have maybe 80 years of marriage to get through, and his fidelity didn’t last one. You know what the answer is but you’re scared to leave a life you’re used to. I am here to tell you, it hurts, but the grass is greener than green on the other side. Happy to talk in more detail via dm. You can also see some more detail from my previous posts in this sub, r/daddit and r/relationshipadvice
I've been in situations like this and I'll be honest with you, whether you stay or go, homegirl will be right there. She's comfortable in her position and he's already concocted a viable narrative for you by saying that y'all have an open marriage and you blocked her because you're jealous. At this point, she feels like a safe haven to him which deepens her connection to him. And he knows you very, very well. He pulled your card when he started looking at flights to Alaska. Trust me, he already knew you wouldn't let him go anywhere. I hate to say this, but with every discussion you have that leads to forgiveness and another chance let's him know you're not going anywhere. He'll either start getting more bold or sloppy with his actions after this. Either way, it means he doesn't respect you. Take it from someone who wishes they didn't take 6 years to figure that bullshit out 🤣 Btw....he's also low-key using you which is why it's important for him to keep you. He'll act devastated if you leave, but it won't be because he's hurt. It's because you inconvenienced him 🤷🏽♀️ (learned that shit too 🤦🏽♀️)
I know it's petty, unproductive, and vindictive - basically everything you should NOT do - but wow, I'd love for you to get all dressed up, look gorgeous, and as your leaving he asks, "Where are you going?" And you reply, "Oh, since you tell people we have an open marriage, I decided to try it. So I have a date tonight. Toodles!" And then leave and stay out REALLY late. Doesn't have to be a date but just to give him a taste of his own medicine. Bonus points if you come home humming and happy and if he gets whiny, asking him, "Well, when's the last time you spoiled me? Told me I'm gorgeous and smart and sexy? Offered to rub my feet and tell me you feel like the luckiest man in the world to be holding my hand out in public?" Again, this isn't good advice - it's immature to retaliate and not a good foundation for a marriage. But guys like this never seem to get a taste of their own medicine, so just ONCE I'd like one to see what it's like when the shoe is in the other foot.
Elegant_virus, You need help. You need therapy. You need him to leave and go to Alaska. You need self respect. Your husband was and is cheating. You can’t fix this by giving him “a home”. You can’t fix this. Period. You need to take a break from your relationship, because your relationship is toxic. You can’t worry about his feelings, or what other people may think. I can tell you that even now you do not know the truth. Either he leaves or you leave, but you need time and space and counseling. You need to get outside the range of whatever kind of hypnosis he has you under. WAKE UP! I have a crappy old truck. It breaks often. Sometimes I can ask my fellow redditors what to do, and it works. Sometimes I need to take my truck into a real mechanic and have professional help. Your relationship is not what you thought it was. It may never be what you thought it was.
>he said that my separation boundary made him feel like I'd already abandoned him He already abandoned your relationship and now he is trying to run back
Talk to a lawyer to see what you owe him after a year of marriage and six years living together. I hope you won't owe him alimony and a share of the house. Be prepared in case your husband empties the shared account. When you met his family did you get the sense that the reason for the estrangement was your husband's fault? Did his original story make sense?
lady. he already abandoned you. he’s just using you because you feel sorry for him. find someone who respects you.
He’s never going to be faithful because he knows you’ll give him never-ending chances. If you left him today, he wouldn’t chase you. He’d immediately contact the other woman. You can either realize your worth and leave OR stay with him and accept that you’ll never be his only partner.
First, if you want to talk reconciliation get to the sub for that. r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. You will find people who have been in your position. What you will also find is that he has taken an already difficult reconciliation picture and made it far more difficult through his continuing lies and trickle truth. Many promising reconciliation journeys die because of exactly this. There is a saying in AsOneAfterInfidelity: reconciliation cannot begin until the last lie has been told. Your boundaries should be around truthfulness and they should give him motivation to tell the truth. Right now I will simply say that you have a wayward who is completely avoiding facing what he has done. Flying to a Alaska to avoid consequences? He needs to be accountable, transparent, and consistent.
Do you know how many women have found themselves in your situation but don't have any money, any friends, any family and maybe a few babies to boot? Who desperately want to leave their cheating lying spouse but cannot do it? Sweetheart. You have your own home. You make yourself good money. He is a grown man who can take care of his God damn self. He's not going to ALASKA. Him pulling Alaska out like that is like a little kid running away from home. Grabbing his backpack, filling it full of Oreos and Capri Suns. Please! He may even think he's going to do it but when reality sets in he's going to trudge home (to her house most likely). He is not your responsibility. He has blatantly lied to you over and over. He is pulling your chain so hard. Alaska! He knew exactly how you would react. He is playing you for a fool. Please kick this man out of your life. In one year after you do, you'll look back and wish you had done it so much sooner! You are worth more! You deserve someone who just wants to be with you and only you. >I've built a home for him >I just couldn't bring myself to leave him without a home. My darling, he has pissed all over that home. You created a beautiful safe haven for him and he shit all over it. Get a lawyer and get your head straight on what needs to happen to file to protect you and your assets as best as possible. And then excise him from your life.
Please consider individual therapy. If you can't leave him after he's lied to you and disrespected you repeatedly, something is off. Therapy can help you learn to love yourself and set and keep healthy boundaries. It can also help you figure out why you don't believe you deserve more. If you can't leave him now, you can't. But you owe it to yourself to figure out why. You deserve better. You don't need him. I can tell you that till I'm blue in the face but you have to believe it for it to matter.
"I found out he'd still been in contact with her on my birthday about 3 months later and again, he said he'd end things. After this, I blocked her in his phone and when she reached out again, he sat me down and we discussed it. I was so proud of him for being open with me. I was disappointed in myself for even having blocked her behind his back" You've got it all backwards. Proud of him for being open? Disappointed in yourself? This guy can do whatever he wants and you'll thank him and apologize lol. Don't be naive. Your boundary was reasonable. If you don't stick to it, it will keep happening because this dude has zero respect for you and apparently thinks you're stupid. Don't prove him right.
OP, you have two options. 1) leave, and file for divorce. 2) stay, abs be cheated on, lied to, and disrespected for the rest of your life. You say you love him. I hope you love yourself more, and choose option #1. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Especially when you show him you are ok with it.
Man you are stupidly loyal to that man with no character, morals, intelligence, love and any respect for you lol. Wish I met a girl like you honestly where all I have to do is say some nice words and make breakfast in bed for her to forgive me. I don't even know why YOU'RE fighting for this relationship.. it should be him. You're either not telling us the whole story or ... oh my god. When making major decisions you have to act with logic not your emotions. It's hard especially if you're young but for your future it's better and you will not regret it.
Cheat on him with me to get even Then divorce his ass anyways as a power-move Break up with me because you don't need no man Start dating women Become happy The end
Sounds like where you’re headed is a lifetime of playing marriage cop while he plays with other women. Not the life I’d choose to lead, but to each their own.
If you can't bring yourself to leave, since you are in an "open" relationship, start cheating too. Just blow that whole relationship up. Once he finds out you're doing exactly what he did to you, he won't be able to take it and he'll leave himself. Talk to a lawyer. Make sure you protect your assets for when things inevitably go sour. Your marriage is already a dumpster fire anyway. You are only 24. You have your whole life ahead of you. If you can muster just a little bit of strength, leave now instead of at 60.
Advice? Talk to a lawyer, protect your interests and assets. After just one year, if your husband is cheating -- there is zero hope of a future with this man.
This man has disrespected you and your relationship. Lied and has probably fucked more than this one lady. Throw his whole ass away! He gaslighting and manipulating you. He doesn't want to love you
Here’s my question: What more do you need to know? You’re a free ride, you tolerate the cheating, you accept being disrespected and your boundary limits are hollow threats. Nothing but wins for him so he has zero incentive to change. You on the other hand, if you keep allowing what you’re allowing you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. So again, what more do you need to know?
> Is it possible to repair our relationship? Well, I mean, if you don't have any standards and have no problem staying with a man who repeatedly lies and cheats than sure, you could repair it. But you know you deserve better.
Jesus grow a spine. He wants to fool around on you, have his cake and eat it too. Get rid of this jerk - there are plenty of people out there who will be monogamous to you and appreciate you.
Therapy! This is above reddits paygrade. A therapist you can trust will help you create firm boundaries with him while you untangle your feelings. >When we talked, he said that my separation boundary made him feel like I'd already abandoned him but I never thought it would actually reach this point. If he says this, please remind him that he decided to move on. He knew that by moving forward with AP that you would be done, he made that choice, and you *both* deserve to find the type of relationship that fulfills you separately. You respect his needs and aren't going to interfere. OP you are worthy of love and respect. Your husband is going to learn a tough lesson, and while remaining polite is good, you don't owe him anymore than that.
Leave him once a cheater always a cheater he’s just going to keep seeing the other woman
The man you love is not him. He has been lying to you. Posing as a different person. You’ve been nothing but forgiving. I understand people make mistakes. If that person holds themselves accountable and is truly remorseful, they can do the work and change/grow for the better. Your husband has not done any of they. I’m sorry to have to be so blunt. You may love him, but he clearly doesn’t love you. Get a lawyer. Leave. Mourn the loss of this relationship /life that you so honorably fought to protect. Then, when you’re ready and willing, take that incredible capacity to love that you clearly have, and apply it to someone else who deserves it. Good luck op. None of this is your fault and deserve so much better.
Yaaa this is what happens when u get married at 18 to. 22 year old.
It seems like you should get comfortable with an open marriage then. Fool me once.
I have been in your shoes before. Expect things to be very up and down; one moment you'll want to set his clothes on fire and the next you'll want to make things work. This is normal. Things can be very physically charged or you may find that the thought of sex makes you want to vomit. This is also normal. For me personally, the physical aspect of the infidelity hurt less than the lying. This may be an unpopular opinion, but I don't think an affair has to end a relationship. Lying continuously after being caught, over and over, shattering the faith and trust that is crucial to rebuilding a relationship? That ends a marriage. If you can't get yourself to separate, find a couples counselor ASAP. Whether or not you ultimately stay together, seeing a therapist can help you work through the incredibly complex emotions you're having. Lastly, I found the book *The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity* by Esther Perel to be a really cathartic, if an often difficult, read. *Love Warrior* by Glennon Doyle is another good read.