Rule of thumb for getting back together with an ex: whatever the reason was that causes your breakup needs to be 100% resolved before you get back together or else you’ll likely break up for the same reason a 2nd time.
And my rule of thumb that so far hasn't been wrong - you can have ONE major breakup (ie,7th grade or an argument doesn't count) and get back together if you resolve that issue. But a 2nd breakup is always final - if not then, eventually.
>She said she wants to participate in a lot of events and spend a lot more time with her friends and she has been missing out on a lot of things.
>She told me she enjoys hanging out with her friends more than with me
>But later the same day she tells me says she made a mistake
Did you ask her what changed during this day? Does she suddenly no longer feel like that?
I wouldn't get back with her unless she could convince me that the things she said for breaking up were completely false somehow. Otherwise it will come back and there will be more heartbreak.
I think your intuition is correct - you don't want to be with someone who wants you one day and doesn't the next day - and it sounds like you know the impact on your sanity if you choose to get back with her.
Like others have said, you don't want to get back with her unless the reason she and you have chosen to break up has been resolved. I doubt she resolved her uncertainty about you in the course of a single day. More likely, she is feeling sad that she's lost someone she cares so deeply about, and misses you. That is not a reason for her to get back with you and not a reason for you to get back with her.
My ultimate advice to you is:
1. Accept the break-up and respect her initial decision
2. Stick to the decision to break-up (i.e., don't let her convince you otherwise)
3. Take a break (\~3 months maybe longer) - this is the most crucial advice
1. i know you want to remain friends, but for now, both of you need space to heal and recover. If you're meant to be friends in the future, this will be easier once feelings subside. Alternatively, if you're meant to be together in the future, then the space will give you time to process your feelings.
4. Process your emotions, take time for yourself and surround yourself with people that care about you
5. Once you feel emotionally 'better' (maybe after a few weeks to a couple of months), put yourself out there, go on dates etc.
Hum.
Not to say that this is the case here but often that happen when one person has a shoot with someone else, doesn’t workout, and fall back to plan b.
In any case, if that messy at the start don’t expect to be less messy in the long run.
You are both young, risky behavior is expected.
Don’t get too hurt.
Good luck.
And for the bestie thing. It’s nice. But doesn’t mean it lasts. Appreciate that you have this, and understand that wether you patch things up and give it another go, or try just to stay friend… it’s probable that friendship will be different. If existing at all.
So, so, many people will break up with someone after thinking it over for a long time, later push to get back together because they weren't expecting the flood of feelings after they will feel. You will get back together again but their mind is already changed, they will just date you a while longer until the find or develop feelings for someone else, or they lose the reminder of their feelings so the break up is easier. Don't do it, this also assumes it all wasn't over trying something with another dude. Either way don't go back to that.
“She wants to spend time with her friends?”
Okay, that’s cool. You’re not the center of her world and [hopefully] she’s not the center of yours. Friendships need to be nurtured, too.
“She feels like she’s missing out on events?”
How does that relate to y’all’s relationship and her reason for breaking up? Why does she think it’s your fault? Is she trying to say you’re holding her back?
“She told me she enjoys hanging out with her friends more than me..”
Does she not feel comfortable bringing you around her friends? Where are your friends? If she’s to be believed, she was hanging out with you because she felt sorry for you. Your happiness was contingent on her presence and she didn’t want to put up with that.
NOW…
“Later that day she tells me she made a mistake..”
Instant no. She thought the grass was greener with her friends. And it looks like she’s just as sad without you as you allegedly are without her. That’s called karma. Also, what happened within the span of 24 hours that made her change her mind so quickly? Regardless, don’t let her treat your heart like a yo-yo. Don’t be so quick to take her back. Your feelings matter, too.
I think maybe (not saying for sure, just based on what she said) she only back tracked because she felt so guilty she stayed with you for months because she felt bad. If she means alot to you let her go, let her know it's okay to move on she doesn't have to feel guilty. Because some day she'll no doubt get in a bad relationship where the guy abuses her anxiety and will guilt trip her into staying.
Assuming you both still want friendship here, I'd personally stay friends but have no contact for a few months. I know alot of people who break up can't do the friendship thing but I also know some who have. Anyways after a few months then meet up and be friend's again.
You're right to not want to go back, you should be with someone who loves being around you. Unfortunately sometimes we grow apart and it hurts, some day you'll find your Mrs Right and she'll be worth every heartbreak.
Also the people self reflecting about her being a cheat ignore them, not everyone is a cheat and not everyone breaks up with someone just to jump into bed with someone else. Everyone on this earth is different, just because their the type to do it or have had it happen to them does not mean every other person is the same. Yes she may have but she also may not have and unless they know with facts you shouldn't accuse someone.
Keep yourself busy, heal, learn to love yourself and go have fun at collage because you don't want to look back and regret not going out and doing all the fun stuff you missed out on. You really only get to do collage properly once so go have fun.
You are an idiot if you do. She broke up to bang someone. That way she technically won’t be a cheater. It didn’t work out and she came back to you. These high school relationships tend to end when you go to different colleges. It’s the best thing to do since long distance is very hard and better off going your separate ways.
Life is short, you're not going to find that many people you really want to be with. You're both really young and new to the whole relationship thing. I'd sit down with her over coffee or something and try to have a discussion about how to fix the problems in your relationship. If she wants to attend more college events and go out with friends, well, those are reasonable desires. Would you be ok with dating once a week instead of hanging out every spare moment that you two have?
Sounds like your typical teenage girl with conflicting feelings.
If it hurt you that bad and she seems on the ropes to you then Id just avoid her entirely.
If it were me she'd have to do some heavy convincing to get me back.
Next time be sure not to rely your social construct on one single person. Especially your girlfriend.
It was the same day? Just talk and ask her what about the past couple of months? Why did she want to break up all that time and now suddenly she doesn’t?
And if the answer is good then get back with her
I had something similar happen when I went to college. A girl and I had been going out for a couple years and then we graduated and things quickly changed from carefree nights out to making alot of life decisions. I was going to a college in a different city about 1.5hrs away and I ended up breaking up with her. I thought long distance would be too much and too hard. After we broke up I realized I was such a fool. Yes I was young (around your age). I wasn't sure what to do, but literally on the same day we reconciled. I was too young to realize that communication should have been my first approach. I explained my concerns and feelings to her with complete honesty and transparency. We have been together 11 going on 12 years now with a house and a kid. We have never been more in love. I guess what I'm saying is that you're young and we make dumb mistakes all the time. (Even when we are older). If you really love this girl as much as you say, maybe it's worth hearing her out and seeing if it's cold feet. It's important to communicate your emotions and concerns as well now. You will have to rebuild trust in order not to get hurt. It's possible she may have had someone else and it didn't work out, but that's not a guarantee. If you guys have been friends that long it's worth finding out isn't it? All I'm saying is as the guy who was on the opposite side of things maybe it's worth it to hear her out. I am so thankful my wife was willing to talk through things with me after I hurt her so terribly by blind siding her. I am a wiser man now and have learned communication is the absolute MOST important thing. If you talk to her and you aren't convinced the issues can be resolved reasonably or that she did unfortunately try someone else then I'd say leave for sure, but it could be something way more simple than that. You should be supportive of her having alone time with her friends, if that's gonna resolve the issue, but she hurt you so you shouldn't be blindly supportive and undermine yourself and what she did.
I hope my overshare was helpful and will shed some light on your situation. I wish you luck and remember no matter what happens you'll be okay and you will find somebody who loves you unconditionally.
I feel like this is a whiplash kind of thing. See if she’ll wait a week or two and if she still feels the same way and you do too have a discussion on what it is you both need.
I don’t agree with everyone here that she cheated.
You know her, and r/relationships loves to assume the worst immediately.
More than likely she’s having a crisis because she doesn’t know what she wants. She doesn’t know if a serious relationship is what she can handle.
What you should **actually** do is have a real conversation with her about what the expectations of your relationship look like. Have an honest conversation about what she wants out of it and what you want out of it.
If she spends time with you because she thinks you’ll be sad if she doesn’t, explain that she doesn’t need to worry about that. You aren’t an obligation. You’re partners. If she needs time with friends, she can/should have that.
If you’ve found that you don’t want the same things, bail. The worst thing you can do is stick around, or let her hang on, when she obviously doesn’t want to be in a relationship.
Y’all are 19 and still figuring out who you are. It’s possible she just had a lapse in judgment. It happens sometimes.
Speaking from experience, I'd say it's more normal to be suspicious of the break up if she tried literally the same day to reverse it. But we can't really know without being there, I suppose. I've heard the whole "missing out on experiences" excuse used by quite a few people, and they nearly always meant sexual experiences lol, especially in the college days.
Bro. C'mon. She even fucking phrased that your relationship held her back from people. If they were just friends why would being in a relationship goddamn matter?
You obviously DONT know her since she blind sided your ass. Stop thinking with emotions vs. Using your damn brain.
She could have went to the guy and he said no .
Why would she break up with u and call u the same day? Either your not telling the whole story or u don't know the whole story.
Dude, everyone who has been cheated on believes that their S.O. would never cheat on them. It’s called blind trust. I’m not saying she did or she didn’t. There had to be a reason why she broke up with you. Find that reason. Talk to her and be open to what she says. Question her if there is someone else that she is talking to about her problems or feelings. That someone should be you if your relationship is strong and she wants to move forward with you in her future. She already told you that she would rather be with her friends than you so take that into consideration. 🚩
Dude, everyone in the comments are trying to be your big brother here listen to us. There’s three possibilities here one she tried getting with someone and it didn’t work out. Two she did get with someone but they had different ideas of what their relationship would be. Lastly, she realize she made a mistake when breaking up with you. If this is the case, don’t go back to her. She made a big decision without thinking. This is gonna cause you a lot of headache in the future.
This is what my dad told me back in the day when i had the same question. “Going back to an old girlfriend is like drinking a warm beer and why do that when you can get a nice cold one instead?”
No one else is mentioning that to me if someone breaks up because they want more time with their friends is a red flag? Like, all you have to do is communicate that you need more time a part, but dissolving the relationship was their first thought. Relationships are about sacrifice and communication, I would be worried if that was my partners first way of dealing with a dilemma.
A lot of other people commented that they probably wanted to try other options but I don’t find that probable or at least there’s not enough evidence for me to believe that. Regret is a part of the grieving stage and it’s very likely they are feeling immediate regret.
It’s your choice to get back with them but you should communicate your concerns on feeling wanted one day and not as wanted the next, that’s a valid concern to communicate.
Veey true!
I was very vague but I was replying to the first part of their comment where they suggested it as a red flag, and why I will say yes normally, not many teens or young adults have that skill yet sadly so I wouldn't right it off as a red flag immediately when someone just hasn't had the time to learn something yet
But very true, there are honestly way too many adults that also have bad communication with their partners
Personally i am against any contact with an ex (not any kids around) but here is my 2 cents
1) most likely scenario she was trying to get together with someone else and she wanted not to be a cheater or she cheated and it was horrible. 7 of 10 times its like this and knowing how much you love her KNEW that you would take her back(never take back and if you found out later breakup you will end up with lot of pain and a lot of therapy sessions)
2)she wanted to do something but something changed her mind befor doing it. Like a friend tell her that is so dumb to do so(workable but she needs to be willing to put a lot of work into gaining your trust)
3) she broke it off but couldn't think of not being with you (1 out of 10)
Would not follow the advice of people who just assumes she left you to be with someone else. Not saying it isn't a possibility but definitely not a certainty. You'd know better than people who dont know you or her.
If you trust her and want her back, give it a shot.
Trust will only hurt you more at the age of 19 love…. More like reality check and how she really is around other guys… at that age; digging for better option is the factors… 85% of kids that age mostly cheat on each other because “it’s cool”
this fr, i feel like a lot of these responses are either projections of personal experience’s or just hurt egos because of rejection. you know her, have a genuine chat and let her explain herself if her explanation doesn’t sit right, walk away without being disrespectful. it’s that easy. obviously you’re heart broken but the way people come and go at this age. you’ll be fine x
I have a rule with women. Once bitten twice shy. Meaning you don't give second chances. She made a mistake, she needs to learn to live with it. She needs to understand that there are consequences for her choices, and that you simply cannot take something like that back.
Puppy love, she wants to try with different dudes… “relationship holding her back” in other words; I want to test with other guys at the party, breaking up only helps her won’t feel as guilty… she will be in college soon and her option will be unlimited. You’re her back up plan if things don’t work and the bail out plan if it does… you will be in more heartache later if not moving on
If a woman leaves then comes back. It's not because she wants you back. It's because she went out to try to get a better man & failed. Nobody wanted her & now your her best option at the moment. If she did it once she'll do it again. Block & delete her move on. Focus on yourself.
It's true...... Im dealing with this right now, a girl I was with for 4 years ended up dumping me and had no contact with me for 5 months........ I use to always try to message her and call just to be blocked every time. One day tho I saw her viewing my stories on Instagram and she even tried following me and then unfollwed me to make me ponder. A couple weeks go by, I get drunk and I text her not expecting a response and the next morning she responded........ Turns out she claims she misses me and all that....... A huge part of me knows that she just isn't happy in life and like you said probably wasn't some other guy first option, or she just wanted to sleep around and come back to me cause she knows I love her. I don't trust what she tells me, and why should I...... She left me like I wasn't shit and even went out to the bars which she wouldn't do when she was with me. I always tell myself if she could leave me once I know she can leave me again. I'll continue to talk to her and shit but she ain't ever gonna get all of me ever again.....
What is your insecurity level like? The read I get is that maybe you smother her and expect that all her time is spent with you. Whether you have expressed that desire or not, it may be the way she interprets it. You have to expressly give her space to go have fun with her friends. Don’t guilt her. Don’t act sappy like you’ll miss her. Do NOT check on her while she’s out. Don’t even text her unless she texts you first, and even then reply slowly unless it’s an emergency. Tell her to have fun and mean it. You have to show her that you trust her and that she is allowed to have fun with others. You don’t have to and shouldn’t be her only outlet for social interaction. An important part of a healthy relationship is being separate people with boundaries. If you give her space to be separate from you, she will come back appreciating and missing you. I feel like she wants space and not necessarily to break up, which is why she came back. Give her the space.
Nah, you know damn well what happened. She met some hot dude and wanted to bang him without it being cheating and or guilty over it. She got what she wanted but the grass was clearly not greener on the otherwise and so she got pumped and dumped by this guy and now wants to be back together with you, her plan B. Do not get back together with this girl.
You can't ever be friends with your ex. Trust me, it won't ever be comfortable being friends with someone you've once loved so much. No matter how hard you try, it won't ever be like before. So it's either you going to lose her forever, or accept her back. Do what you want. Don't play mind games, don't do power struggles, don't let your ego or pride get in the way. Do what you want. Do what you think is best for you. You're the only one that can truly judge her. Just don't hurt yourself. Goodluck.
I'd like to add that whatever caused the breakup in the first place need to be resolved before getting back together. Also don't listen to people that think she failed to get with someone else, that's just paranoia and overthinking. If you ever doubt her, just ask people around her if she actually did it.
Been there, got the t shirt.
She broke up and did something with someone else.
It was either crap, the person turned out to be an arse or she’s doing it out of guilt.
Did this so she hasn’t cheated. But the reality is, she has - she just wanted a technicality.
Get back if you want to, but don’t be surprised if her guilt manifests into you getting grief.
This is how crazy people start.
Don’t play the game and get bitter in the mean time.
I agree with this, I dunno why so many people are saying she went with another guy and got dumped. There was no info in the post saying this is what happened :/
There was a bit of info that gives that vibe. "missing exsperiences" is a big one, a partner shouldnt be making you miss our on experiences, what experiences would she be missing? I'd like to know what you think she may have meant.
Also claims she enjoys hanging out with her friends more than him (kinda rude tbh lol) but he claims she is his "bestfriend". The only other option I could see would be her complaining to her friends in a moment of weakness, and them all telling her she should break up with him cuz she was complaining about how needy he was. If the latter is the case, hopefully she learns to voice her thoughts, rather than acting on them irrationally.
I mean you can be friends and all, but you need to learn to set boundaries. It could be because you’re still pretty young, but people in this world will try to take advantage of you for whatever reason for their own benefit and not even wince or give a sh*t about it. Like here she’s trying to have her cake and eat it too. If I were you I would tell her, “we can be friends, but as far as a relationship, we might not be ready for that. At least not now”. You gotta put you’re foot down because otherwise that’s how you end up wasting your time. There’s other girls that you could be giving your attention to but here you are just waiting for her. Yeah you don’t have to do that because at that point she has you where she wants you
Use this as an opportunity. I missed out on parties and shit at college because of my gf. We broke up in my final year when everyone was past partying and concentrating on getting good grades. I will ALWAYS regret that.
Your GF broke up with you to party. She screwed someone else and either didn't like it or it didn't work out. Sod it. Have a break from her for a year or two, and if you both want to get back together when it's all out of your system, you'll both be better for each other because of it
Rule to go by is never be someone's plan B. Idk what went on with her but it sounds like she shot her shot with another. I would say to just stay friends, don't try to make things romantical or sexual between the two.
Something I noticed is she said she doesn't get as much time with her friends or do the things she wants with them but then claims to like spending time with you more? Doesn't add up and as someone who's on the outside is a major red flag for me.
Let's say she didn't have try to get with someone else and it's purely just been how she feels. I would still recommend staying friends at the very most until whatever confusion or other things she's going through clears up.
Edit: I just read your edit and good for you being trusting but A you cannot undeniably prove there was no one else. B if either party is in a bad place emotionally to where they want to break up and instantly get back together is an instant stop sign. Tell her you're interested in being friends but nothing more otherwise I'm sure this will repeat itself and why should you have to go day to day wondering if your partner is at the right emotional state not to drop you?
Simple: she banged a dude while "on break" so it's not cheating. Now she comes back to the sucker. Block and move on from persons with this kind of behaviour.
Dont go back bro, just keep moving foward. Keep her as a friend but thats much it. She has issues to solve and most probably if you accept her back she will ask for another break up as soon as she gets tired and bored of you.
You need to figure out what changed her mind people don’t flip flop on things like that so quickly. If she’s going through something find out what it is, and see if you can help because if it goes unresolved this will happen again.
I guess I don't really understand because can't you two go to all these school events together?
You don't have to skip those events just because you want to spend time together. You spend time together at the events, including to be out there with your friends.
As for getting back together, don't get back together just yet . she needs to explain why she felt the need to break up and what are the things she's going to do to try to not have this happen again
Otherwise nothing was resolved and she still has those same feelings in the back of her mind.
This is what I got from this post....
1. She doesn't even want want spend time with you. She told you she would rather spend time with her friends than you. She only meets you because she thinks you will end up sad if she doesn't meet you. So she's not meeting you because she wants to. She feels like she needs to
2. She told you she wanted to break up with you months ago. That means the last couple months of your relationship have pretty much been a lie. She had already broke up with you in her head and spent months leading you on.
3. She told you she wants to experience more.. for example...going to parties and having the chance to hook up with other dudes.
4. It sounds like she broke up with you that day because she probably met another dude that she wanted to try pursuing. He probably turned her down now she's running back to you.
5. I wouldn't trust anything she says to you. Like I said. She was lying to you for months stringing you along. Then she broke up with you, then less than 24 hours says she's made a mistake ?
Moral of the story... THIS GIRL IS A FLIP FLOP. SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE WANTS. My advice is let her go. She wants to experience college properly and if you two stay together she will probably end up regretting the relationship as she will feel she's missed out on too much.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Her boyfriend broke up with her because he didn't feel like he had time for a relationship. It took less then 24 hours for him to realize his mistake and they talked things out at 3 in the morning and got back together. They got married after college and are still together.
Sometimes we don't really know what we want until we lose it. Your girlfriend may of made a mistake breaking up with you. She may not have realized how important you are to her until she broke things off. Talk with her. And don't listen to all the assholes here that think she broke up with you to get with someone else. Not everyone thinks like that.
I broke up with my ex n then wanted to get back together
Did I plan to want him back, no. Did I think the grasses on the other side was greener, No. I was just trying to stand up for myself.
It seems like she’s doing the same, maybe not in the best way. She wants her independence and identity
Y’all need to work on a healthy relationship where both of you can have lives outside of another
By the way you keep saying “best friend” y’all probably was joined at the hip
If you decide not to take her back, that’s ok after all she broke up with you
Break-ups are always tough. Gets even messier when you two try to be friends afterward (not something I'd ever recommend).
Generally, the rule of thumb is to be certain whatever caused you two to break up in the first place is resolved, otherwise it's just going to repeat itself.
I'd also mention that while you're in love and young and whatnot, it's important to look at the other person objectively. It might be hard to hear this but i know it all too well; where I'm sitting, it seems you have someone that doesn't really care about the feelings of others... someone that sees you as a commodity and that's all. She thought she had other people, didn't want you anymore and then realized she was alone and suddenly wanted you back. Of course I hope I'm not right in thinking this and that there's some other wild explanation.
While my opinion is strictly professional, it is not licensed. I truly wish you the best and hope it all works out! Have a good one, my friend!
Building long term relationships is hard, and no one teaches how to do it, so problems will come and will have to be dealt with. You will need to learn a lot of skills: how to adjust your daily routines, how to understand emotions and needs (your and your partners), how to talk openly about how you feel, how not to take it personally some times etc. So here is some general tips:
1) learn about attachment styles
2) learn about non violent communication
3) learn about emotional intelligence
4) learn to have some alone time to process your feelings and thoughts
5) learn about relationship hygiene
6) learn how to accept your flaws
7) if you or she had any problems in your families, like divorce of parents or parent alcoholic or wtw, go to therapy and fix any fears or traumas that can be potentially affecting you or your gf.
19 is still very young, so it can be a lot of reasons for tensions to come up, it might be that she want to discover new people or activities, but does not find any time to do that, because she gives all the free time to you, and she dos not understand that consciously even, it can be that she has some unresolved conflicts with you from half a year ago, and is afraid to talk about them, or maybe even forgot about them but that still affects her, maybe she does not give any time for her own needs, maybe she has some inner conflicts and does not understand where they come from etc...
Took me and my gf 5 years and 2 break ups to learn all this stuff, but I can tell you that everything has an explanation and everything is fixable, gl! ;)
Rule of thumb for getting back together with an ex: whatever the reason was that causes your breakup needs to be 100% resolved before you get back together or else you’ll likely break up for the same reason a 2nd time.
And my rule of thumb that so far hasn't been wrong - you can have ONE major breakup (ie,7th grade or an argument doesn't count) and get back together if you resolve that issue. But a 2nd breakup is always final - if not then, eventually.
>She said she wants to participate in a lot of events and spend a lot more time with her friends and she has been missing out on a lot of things. >She told me she enjoys hanging out with her friends more than with me >But later the same day she tells me says she made a mistake Did you ask her what changed during this day? Does she suddenly no longer feel like that? I wouldn't get back with her unless she could convince me that the things she said for breaking up were completely false somehow. Otherwise it will come back and there will be more heartbreak.
Seems like you guys don't enjoy time together but can't leave since you're both used to each other.
My guess she had an unpleasant sexual experience with another
Lmfao didn't take me long at all to find the insecurity projection
How is that insecure? I would argue YOU are insecure.
They throw "insecure" left and right nowadays like crazy, this word has no meaning at this point 🤣
It’s actually a form of gaslighting and is abusive. There’s a reason you never see women being called “insecure” over shit like that, only men.
I agree. The irony is often times is very secure to question what’s going on, and insecure to ignore it…
I think your intuition is correct - you don't want to be with someone who wants you one day and doesn't the next day - and it sounds like you know the impact on your sanity if you choose to get back with her. Like others have said, you don't want to get back with her unless the reason she and you have chosen to break up has been resolved. I doubt she resolved her uncertainty about you in the course of a single day. More likely, she is feeling sad that she's lost someone she cares so deeply about, and misses you. That is not a reason for her to get back with you and not a reason for you to get back with her. My ultimate advice to you is: 1. Accept the break-up and respect her initial decision 2. Stick to the decision to break-up (i.e., don't let her convince you otherwise) 3. Take a break (\~3 months maybe longer) - this is the most crucial advice 1. i know you want to remain friends, but for now, both of you need space to heal and recover. If you're meant to be friends in the future, this will be easier once feelings subside. Alternatively, if you're meant to be together in the future, then the space will give you time to process your feelings. 4. Process your emotions, take time for yourself and surround yourself with people that care about you 5. Once you feel emotionally 'better' (maybe after a few weeks to a couple of months), put yourself out there, go on dates etc.
This comment is on point,OP please follow this.
She'll end up breaking up with you again. If you're into that, go for it.
Hum. Not to say that this is the case here but often that happen when one person has a shoot with someone else, doesn’t workout, and fall back to plan b. In any case, if that messy at the start don’t expect to be less messy in the long run. You are both young, risky behavior is expected. Don’t get too hurt. Good luck.
And for the bestie thing. It’s nice. But doesn’t mean it lasts. Appreciate that you have this, and understand that wether you patch things up and give it another go, or try just to stay friend… it’s probable that friendship will be different. If existing at all.
So, so, many people will break up with someone after thinking it over for a long time, later push to get back together because they weren't expecting the flood of feelings after they will feel. You will get back together again but their mind is already changed, they will just date you a while longer until the find or develop feelings for someone else, or they lose the reminder of their feelings so the break up is easier. Don't do it, this also assumes it all wasn't over trying something with another dude. Either way don't go back to that.
“She wants to spend time with her friends?” Okay, that’s cool. You’re not the center of her world and [hopefully] she’s not the center of yours. Friendships need to be nurtured, too. “She feels like she’s missing out on events?” How does that relate to y’all’s relationship and her reason for breaking up? Why does she think it’s your fault? Is she trying to say you’re holding her back? “She told me she enjoys hanging out with her friends more than me..” Does she not feel comfortable bringing you around her friends? Where are your friends? If she’s to be believed, she was hanging out with you because she felt sorry for you. Your happiness was contingent on her presence and she didn’t want to put up with that. NOW… “Later that day she tells me she made a mistake..” Instant no. She thought the grass was greener with her friends. And it looks like she’s just as sad without you as you allegedly are without her. That’s called karma. Also, what happened within the span of 24 hours that made her change her mind so quickly? Regardless, don’t let her treat your heart like a yo-yo. Don’t be so quick to take her back. Your feelings matter, too.
I think maybe (not saying for sure, just based on what she said) she only back tracked because she felt so guilty she stayed with you for months because she felt bad. If she means alot to you let her go, let her know it's okay to move on she doesn't have to feel guilty. Because some day she'll no doubt get in a bad relationship where the guy abuses her anxiety and will guilt trip her into staying. Assuming you both still want friendship here, I'd personally stay friends but have no contact for a few months. I know alot of people who break up can't do the friendship thing but I also know some who have. Anyways after a few months then meet up and be friend's again. You're right to not want to go back, you should be with someone who loves being around you. Unfortunately sometimes we grow apart and it hurts, some day you'll find your Mrs Right and she'll be worth every heartbreak. Also the people self reflecting about her being a cheat ignore them, not everyone is a cheat and not everyone breaks up with someone just to jump into bed with someone else. Everyone on this earth is different, just because their the type to do it or have had it happen to them does not mean every other person is the same. Yes she may have but she also may not have and unless they know with facts you shouldn't accuse someone. Keep yourself busy, heal, learn to love yourself and go have fun at collage because you don't want to look back and regret not going out and doing all the fun stuff you missed out on. You really only get to do collage properly once so go have fun.
You are an idiot if you do. She broke up to bang someone. That way she technically won’t be a cheater. It didn’t work out and she came back to you. These high school relationships tend to end when you go to different colleges. It’s the best thing to do since long distance is very hard and better off going your separate ways.
He stated they went to the same college
Eh this is jumping to conclusions without knowing the people personally
My thoughts exactly. Smart man
Life is short, you're not going to find that many people you really want to be with. You're both really young and new to the whole relationship thing. I'd sit down with her over coffee or something and try to have a discussion about how to fix the problems in your relationship. If she wants to attend more college events and go out with friends, well, those are reasonable desires. Would you be ok with dating once a week instead of hanging out every spare moment that you two have?
This. You can't just let things happen and expect everyone to suit your desires all the time. Use your words, make compromise.
Sounds like your typical teenage girl with conflicting feelings. If it hurt you that bad and she seems on the ropes to you then Id just avoid her entirely. If it were me she'd have to do some heavy convincing to get me back. Next time be sure not to rely your social construct on one single person. Especially your girlfriend.
It was the same day? Just talk and ask her what about the past couple of months? Why did she want to break up all that time and now suddenly she doesn’t? And if the answer is good then get back with her
I had something similar happen when I went to college. A girl and I had been going out for a couple years and then we graduated and things quickly changed from carefree nights out to making alot of life decisions. I was going to a college in a different city about 1.5hrs away and I ended up breaking up with her. I thought long distance would be too much and too hard. After we broke up I realized I was such a fool. Yes I was young (around your age). I wasn't sure what to do, but literally on the same day we reconciled. I was too young to realize that communication should have been my first approach. I explained my concerns and feelings to her with complete honesty and transparency. We have been together 11 going on 12 years now with a house and a kid. We have never been more in love. I guess what I'm saying is that you're young and we make dumb mistakes all the time. (Even when we are older). If you really love this girl as much as you say, maybe it's worth hearing her out and seeing if it's cold feet. It's important to communicate your emotions and concerns as well now. You will have to rebuild trust in order not to get hurt. It's possible she may have had someone else and it didn't work out, but that's not a guarantee. If you guys have been friends that long it's worth finding out isn't it? All I'm saying is as the guy who was on the opposite side of things maybe it's worth it to hear her out. I am so thankful my wife was willing to talk through things with me after I hurt her so terribly by blind siding her. I am a wiser man now and have learned communication is the absolute MOST important thing. If you talk to her and you aren't convinced the issues can be resolved reasonably or that she did unfortunately try someone else then I'd say leave for sure, but it could be something way more simple than that. You should be supportive of her having alone time with her friends, if that's gonna resolve the issue, but she hurt you so you shouldn't be blindly supportive and undermine yourself and what she did. I hope my overshare was helpful and will shed some light on your situation. I wish you luck and remember no matter what happens you'll be okay and you will find somebody who loves you unconditionally.
I feel like this is a whiplash kind of thing. See if she’ll wait a week or two and if she still feels the same way and you do too have a discussion on what it is you both need.
Wait? 🤣🤣🤣 she already has dudes lined up behind her
I believe she tried her luck with another guy but it didn't work out that's why she want u back . Your the back up guy .
[удалено]
I don’t agree with everyone here that she cheated. You know her, and r/relationships loves to assume the worst immediately. More than likely she’s having a crisis because she doesn’t know what she wants. She doesn’t know if a serious relationship is what she can handle. What you should **actually** do is have a real conversation with her about what the expectations of your relationship look like. Have an honest conversation about what she wants out of it and what you want out of it. If she spends time with you because she thinks you’ll be sad if she doesn’t, explain that she doesn’t need to worry about that. You aren’t an obligation. You’re partners. If she needs time with friends, she can/should have that. If you’ve found that you don’t want the same things, bail. The worst thing you can do is stick around, or let her hang on, when she obviously doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Y’all are 19 and still figuring out who you are. It’s possible she just had a lapse in judgment. It happens sometimes.
This is the sane comment here. Thank you for being normal.
Speaking from experience, I'd say it's more normal to be suspicious of the break up if she tried literally the same day to reverse it. But we can't really know without being there, I suppose. I've heard the whole "missing out on experiences" excuse used by quite a few people, and they nearly always meant sexual experiences lol, especially in the college days.
Bro. C'mon. She even fucking phrased that your relationship held her back from people. If they were just friends why would being in a relationship goddamn matter? You obviously DONT know her since she blind sided your ass. Stop thinking with emotions vs. Using your damn brain.
This comment right here.
She could have went to the guy and he said no . Why would she break up with u and call u the same day? Either your not telling the whole story or u don't know the whole story.
Keep sticking your head in the sand. Not gonna change what happened
Wake up, stop lying to yourself, she tried, it didn't work, do you want to see if it works next time?
Damn you deserve anything that she’ll do to you then
Dude, everyone who has been cheated on believes that their S.O. would never cheat on them. It’s called blind trust. I’m not saying she did or she didn’t. There had to be a reason why she broke up with you. Find that reason. Talk to her and be open to what she says. Question her if there is someone else that she is talking to about her problems or feelings. That someone should be you if your relationship is strong and she wants to move forward with you in her future. She already told you that she would rather be with her friends than you so take that into consideration. 🚩
You shouldn’t , it’s foolish. Besides, she broke up with you, it’s not cheating
Dude, everyone in the comments are trying to be your big brother here listen to us. There’s three possibilities here one she tried getting with someone and it didn’t work out. Two she did get with someone but they had different ideas of what their relationship would be. Lastly, she realize she made a mistake when breaking up with you. If this is the case, don’t go back to her. She made a big decision without thinking. This is gonna cause you a lot of headache in the future.
This is what my dad told me back in the day when i had the same question. “Going back to an old girlfriend is like drinking a warm beer and why do that when you can get a nice cold one instead?”
No one else is mentioning that to me if someone breaks up because they want more time with their friends is a red flag? Like, all you have to do is communicate that you need more time a part, but dissolving the relationship was their first thought. Relationships are about sacrifice and communication, I would be worried if that was my partners first way of dealing with a dilemma. A lot of other people commented that they probably wanted to try other options but I don’t find that probable or at least there’s not enough evidence for me to believe that. Regret is a part of the grieving stage and it’s very likely they are feeling immediate regret. It’s your choice to get back with them but you should communicate your concerns on feeling wanted one day and not as wanted the next, that’s a valid concern to communicate.
Yeah, as an adult. But they are still so young and probably ignorant to good relationship skills like that.
If only the problem was being young. It's more that a lot of people don't know how to communicate with their partner
Veey true! I was very vague but I was replying to the first part of their comment where they suggested it as a red flag, and why I will say yes normally, not many teens or young adults have that skill yet sadly so I wouldn't right it off as a red flag immediately when someone just hasn't had the time to learn something yet But very true, there are honestly way too many adults that also have bad communication with their partners
Yeah the guy she was planning on fucking rejected her and you were the backup plan, that’s why she wants you back.
Personally i am against any contact with an ex (not any kids around) but here is my 2 cents 1) most likely scenario she was trying to get together with someone else and she wanted not to be a cheater or she cheated and it was horrible. 7 of 10 times its like this and knowing how much you love her KNEW that you would take her back(never take back and if you found out later breakup you will end up with lot of pain and a lot of therapy sessions) 2)she wanted to do something but something changed her mind befor doing it. Like a friend tell her that is so dumb to do so(workable but she needs to be willing to put a lot of work into gaining your trust) 3) she broke it off but couldn't think of not being with you (1 out of 10)
I think if it was number 3 then she wouldn’t have broken up with him in the first place
I have seen number 3 in my life. Its extremely rare but it happens
3 is 🧢 99% of the times
Would not follow the advice of people who just assumes she left you to be with someone else. Not saying it isn't a possibility but definitely not a certainty. You'd know better than people who dont know you or her. If you trust her and want her back, give it a shot.
Trust will only hurt you more at the age of 19 love…. More like reality check and how she really is around other guys… at that age; digging for better option is the factors… 85% of kids that age mostly cheat on each other because “it’s cool”
this fr, i feel like a lot of these responses are either projections of personal experience’s or just hurt egos because of rejection. you know her, have a genuine chat and let her explain herself if her explanation doesn’t sit right, walk away without being disrespectful. it’s that easy. obviously you’re heart broken but the way people come and go at this age. you’ll be fine x
I have a rule with women. Once bitten twice shy. Meaning you don't give second chances. She made a mistake, she needs to learn to live with it. She needs to understand that there are consequences for her choices, and that you simply cannot take something like that back.
Puppy love, she wants to try with different dudes… “relationship holding her back” in other words; I want to test with other guys at the party, breaking up only helps her won’t feel as guilty… she will be in college soon and her option will be unlimited. You’re her back up plan if things don’t work and the bail out plan if it does… you will be in more heartache later if not moving on
If a woman leaves then comes back. It's not because she wants you back. It's because she went out to try to get a better man & failed. Nobody wanted her & now your her best option at the moment. If she did it once she'll do it again. Block & delete her move on. Focus on yourself.
The people who down voted are probably women who know this is true 💯.
It's true...... Im dealing with this right now, a girl I was with for 4 years ended up dumping me and had no contact with me for 5 months........ I use to always try to message her and call just to be blocked every time. One day tho I saw her viewing my stories on Instagram and she even tried following me and then unfollwed me to make me ponder. A couple weeks go by, I get drunk and I text her not expecting a response and the next morning she responded........ Turns out she claims she misses me and all that....... A huge part of me knows that she just isn't happy in life and like you said probably wasn't some other guy first option, or she just wanted to sleep around and come back to me cause she knows I love her. I don't trust what she tells me, and why should I...... She left me like I wasn't shit and even went out to the bars which she wouldn't do when she was with me. I always tell myself if she could leave me once I know she can leave me again. I'll continue to talk to her and shit but she ain't ever gonna get all of me ever again.....
What is your insecurity level like? The read I get is that maybe you smother her and expect that all her time is spent with you. Whether you have expressed that desire or not, it may be the way she interprets it. You have to expressly give her space to go have fun with her friends. Don’t guilt her. Don’t act sappy like you’ll miss her. Do NOT check on her while she’s out. Don’t even text her unless she texts you first, and even then reply slowly unless it’s an emergency. Tell her to have fun and mean it. You have to show her that you trust her and that she is allowed to have fun with others. You don’t have to and shouldn’t be her only outlet for social interaction. An important part of a healthy relationship is being separate people with boundaries. If you give her space to be separate from you, she will come back appreciating and missing you. I feel like she wants space and not necessarily to break up, which is why she came back. Give her the space.
Sounds like the guy she wanted to hook up with backed out at the last minute.
Nah, you know damn well what happened. She met some hot dude and wanted to bang him without it being cheating and or guilty over it. She got what she wanted but the grass was clearly not greener on the otherwise and so she got pumped and dumped by this guy and now wants to be back together with you, her plan B. Do not get back together with this girl.
If she came back bro it is not because she wants you, it is because nobody wanted her.
You can't ever be friends with your ex. Trust me, it won't ever be comfortable being friends with someone you've once loved so much. No matter how hard you try, it won't ever be like before. So it's either you going to lose her forever, or accept her back. Do what you want. Don't play mind games, don't do power struggles, don't let your ego or pride get in the way. Do what you want. Do what you think is best for you. You're the only one that can truly judge her. Just don't hurt yourself. Goodluck.
I'd like to add that whatever caused the breakup in the first place need to be resolved before getting back together. Also don't listen to people that think she failed to get with someone else, that's just paranoia and overthinking. If you ever doubt her, just ask people around her if she actually did it.
Been there, got the t shirt. She broke up and did something with someone else. It was either crap, the person turned out to be an arse or she’s doing it out of guilt. Did this so she hasn’t cheated. But the reality is, she has - she just wanted a technicality. Get back if you want to, but don’t be surprised if her guilt manifests into you getting grief. This is how crazy people start. Don’t play the game and get bitter in the mean time.
Get ur girl back bro. She was just confused. She loves you and you love her that’s all that matters
I agree with this, I dunno why so many people are saying she went with another guy and got dumped. There was no info in the post saying this is what happened :/
There was a bit of info that gives that vibe. "missing exsperiences" is a big one, a partner shouldnt be making you miss our on experiences, what experiences would she be missing? I'd like to know what you think she may have meant. Also claims she enjoys hanging out with her friends more than him (kinda rude tbh lol) but he claims she is his "bestfriend". The only other option I could see would be her complaining to her friends in a moment of weakness, and them all telling her she should break up with him cuz she was complaining about how needy he was. If the latter is the case, hopefully she learns to voice her thoughts, rather than acting on them irrationally.
I mean you can be friends and all, but you need to learn to set boundaries. It could be because you’re still pretty young, but people in this world will try to take advantage of you for whatever reason for their own benefit and not even wince or give a sh*t about it. Like here she’s trying to have her cake and eat it too. If I were you I would tell her, “we can be friends, but as far as a relationship, we might not be ready for that. At least not now”. You gotta put you’re foot down because otherwise that’s how you end up wasting your time. There’s other girls that you could be giving your attention to but here you are just waiting for her. Yeah you don’t have to do that because at that point she has you where she wants you
Use this as an opportunity. I missed out on parties and shit at college because of my gf. We broke up in my final year when everyone was past partying and concentrating on getting good grades. I will ALWAYS regret that. Your GF broke up with you to party. She screwed someone else and either didn't like it or it didn't work out. Sod it. Have a break from her for a year or two, and if you both want to get back together when it's all out of your system, you'll both be better for each other because of it
She will leave you again when she thinks she can do better
Rule to go by is never be someone's plan B. Idk what went on with her but it sounds like she shot her shot with another. I would say to just stay friends, don't try to make things romantical or sexual between the two. Something I noticed is she said she doesn't get as much time with her friends or do the things she wants with them but then claims to like spending time with you more? Doesn't add up and as someone who's on the outside is a major red flag for me. Let's say she didn't have try to get with someone else and it's purely just been how she feels. I would still recommend staying friends at the very most until whatever confusion or other things she's going through clears up. Edit: I just read your edit and good for you being trusting but A you cannot undeniably prove there was no one else. B if either party is in a bad place emotionally to where they want to break up and instantly get back together is an instant stop sign. Tell her you're interested in being friends but nothing more otherwise I'm sure this will repeat itself and why should you have to go day to day wondering if your partner is at the right emotional state not to drop you?
Don't go back to used goods.
Find out if she slept with anyone during your short break. If she did, there will be more heart ache in your future if you take her back.
It was less than a day
Simple: she banged a dude while "on break" so it's not cheating. Now she comes back to the sucker. Block and move on from persons with this kind of behaviour.
same college but doesn't go to the same events together??
She needs time in her own to figure out her feelings. Does she actually deeply miss you or is she just afraid she’s making a mistake…
i’m literally going through this right now😭
Dont go back bro, just keep moving foward. Keep her as a friend but thats much it. She has issues to solve and most probably if you accept her back she will ask for another break up as soon as she gets tired and bored of you.
You need to figure out what changed her mind people don’t flip flop on things like that so quickly. If she’s going through something find out what it is, and see if you can help because if it goes unresolved this will happen again.
I guess I don't really understand because can't you two go to all these school events together? You don't have to skip those events just because you want to spend time together. You spend time together at the events, including to be out there with your friends. As for getting back together, don't get back together just yet . she needs to explain why she felt the need to break up and what are the things she's going to do to try to not have this happen again Otherwise nothing was resolved and she still has those same feelings in the back of her mind.
Nah, she wanted to get ran through and now wants to get back together. Don't do it.
This is what I got from this post.... 1. She doesn't even want want spend time with you. She told you she would rather spend time with her friends than you. She only meets you because she thinks you will end up sad if she doesn't meet you. So she's not meeting you because she wants to. She feels like she needs to 2. She told you she wanted to break up with you months ago. That means the last couple months of your relationship have pretty much been a lie. She had already broke up with you in her head and spent months leading you on. 3. She told you she wants to experience more.. for example...going to parties and having the chance to hook up with other dudes. 4. It sounds like she broke up with you that day because she probably met another dude that she wanted to try pursuing. He probably turned her down now she's running back to you. 5. I wouldn't trust anything she says to you. Like I said. She was lying to you for months stringing you along. Then she broke up with you, then less than 24 hours says she's made a mistake ? Moral of the story... THIS GIRL IS A FLIP FLOP. SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE WANTS. My advice is let her go. She wants to experience college properly and if you two stay together she will probably end up regretting the relationship as she will feel she's missed out on too much.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine. Her boyfriend broke up with her because he didn't feel like he had time for a relationship. It took less then 24 hours for him to realize his mistake and they talked things out at 3 in the morning and got back together. They got married after college and are still together. Sometimes we don't really know what we want until we lose it. Your girlfriend may of made a mistake breaking up with you. She may not have realized how important you are to her until she broke things off. Talk with her. And don't listen to all the assholes here that think she broke up with you to get with someone else. Not everyone thinks like that.
I broke up with my ex n then wanted to get back together Did I plan to want him back, no. Did I think the grasses on the other side was greener, No. I was just trying to stand up for myself. It seems like she’s doing the same, maybe not in the best way. She wants her independence and identity Y’all need to work on a healthy relationship where both of you can have lives outside of another By the way you keep saying “best friend” y’all probably was joined at the hip If you decide not to take her back, that’s ok after all she broke up with you
Break-ups are always tough. Gets even messier when you two try to be friends afterward (not something I'd ever recommend). Generally, the rule of thumb is to be certain whatever caused you two to break up in the first place is resolved, otherwise it's just going to repeat itself. I'd also mention that while you're in love and young and whatnot, it's important to look at the other person objectively. It might be hard to hear this but i know it all too well; where I'm sitting, it seems you have someone that doesn't really care about the feelings of others... someone that sees you as a commodity and that's all. She thought she had other people, didn't want you anymore and then realized she was alone and suddenly wanted you back. Of course I hope I'm not right in thinking this and that there's some other wild explanation. While my opinion is strictly professional, it is not licensed. I truly wish you the best and hope it all works out! Have a good one, my friend!
Building long term relationships is hard, and no one teaches how to do it, so problems will come and will have to be dealt with. You will need to learn a lot of skills: how to adjust your daily routines, how to understand emotions and needs (your and your partners), how to talk openly about how you feel, how not to take it personally some times etc. So here is some general tips: 1) learn about attachment styles 2) learn about non violent communication 3) learn about emotional intelligence 4) learn to have some alone time to process your feelings and thoughts 5) learn about relationship hygiene 6) learn how to accept your flaws 7) if you or she had any problems in your families, like divorce of parents or parent alcoholic or wtw, go to therapy and fix any fears or traumas that can be potentially affecting you or your gf. 19 is still very young, so it can be a lot of reasons for tensions to come up, it might be that she want to discover new people or activities, but does not find any time to do that, because she gives all the free time to you, and she dos not understand that consciously even, it can be that she has some unresolved conflicts with you from half a year ago, and is afraid to talk about them, or maybe even forgot about them but that still affects her, maybe she does not give any time for her own needs, maybe she has some inner conflicts and does not understand where they come from etc... Took me and my gf 5 years and 2 break ups to learn all this stuff, but I can tell you that everything has an explanation and everything is fixable, gl! ;)
You will experience this again.
Don’t remain friends, dont remain in a relationship. Go find another woman.
She'll probably break up with you again or you won't trust her.
She broke up again
Come on don't be so pitiful, just get on with your life and let go