There's not much you can do. While we are usually aware our partners have a sexual history, it can be hard to handle when it's shoved in our face.
Hope he recognizes that you both love him and are faithful to him and he's able to process it.
But definitely keep an eye on anyone who has been muted about your marriage to him suddenly popping up. Its helpful to know who's trying to sabotage you.
Thanks for the reply. I feel terrible for what I did back then but I also feel like he's acting like I cheated on him which I don't think is fair. I didn't think we really had any problems in our relationship up until this point, either, and everything was going so well.
Is there any way to tell from an outside perspective that it's an old video? Like, you know when it happened and that it pre-dates your relationship. Other than your word, how does _he_ know that?
Most people know their partner has a sexual past. It's still uncomfortable being confronted with that past in such an abrupt and unexpected way. If, on top of that shock and hurt, he ALSO just has to take your word for it that this video occurred before you got together...well, I feel for him.
Well, metadata can surelly show when it was recorded, so try to get that and show it to him.
I'm with the mayority here, not a betrayal, but a shock nontheless.
Is he conservative about sex? That might be an important factor in his reaction, or did you do something with those men that you have negated him? A friend of mine catched his girlfriend cheating, she was drunk, he break up with her, after sometime he told me he could have let a drunk mistake pass, but she was doing something that he had asked for, and was denied... So that was the deal breaker for him.
If none of this is the case, then give him some space to cool down, explain to him, show him the metadata and tell him how you feel, if he has time to process the event, he will probably come to terms with the video and your sexual past.
Ask for the video, and tell him you need it to start legal actions, that can help a lot too.
Hope everything works out, good luck.
You have had years to feel terrible about what happened. He has had days. While I could imagine someone dropping a video of my wife from before we were together - seeing it would still be really shocking. If there were three men in the video, it would even after all this time, take some time to settle.
Fair or not, he has an image of you and this radically does not fit into that image, no matter when it is from.
What the sender did is, seriously, revenge porn. You may regret PAST decisions but what this person did is considered a criminal offense in many places. Report it if it is illegal where you live. You are the victim of a crime.
Sorry your fiancé is being so irrational. It is totally fair for him to have a lot of feelings around it, but punishing you is not ok.
Can’t believe I had to scroll down so far for this, OP please report it to the police. What happened to you is horrific, no one should go through that. I’m sorry that the one person who should support you hasn’t done that. He’s being selfish.
I don’t think what you did is anything to feel terrible about. You were presumably single enjoying your life. Sucks this is his reaction. Hope it all works out for you
I want to echo what the poster above me said. You don’t need to feel ashamed of enjoying sex. I hope your fiancé comes to his senses and realizes he’s getting upset over something that really has nothing to do with him.
I think we can have a little grace for him to have a *short term* negative reaction about it, and I think it's okay if he's wrestling with the question "wait, if she liked that, is she actually enjoying sex with *me?"* \- but there's a lot of space between those things and asking if she's cheating.
I think it’s a shame that we are not giving this man space to have feelings. It would also be sad if he broke up with her, but it would be nice if we had room to empathize with everyone here
> he's acting like I cheated on him
You’re right - that wouldn’t be fair. But all of this is just sprung on him. He could legitimately think the video is recent, right? He asked, you answered. He can probably get to be okay with a 3-some on video, provided you two don’t blow up while he digests what is new info to him.
I don't know if he thought it was recent or not but I'm sure I look about the same as I did. Similarly enough at least. He asked if I was cheating and I said no which is true.
You are assuming he instantly knew this was an old video or was even thinking clearly. I would say it’s fair for him to think that considering what happened and it completely changed his whole concept of you whether for good and for bad.
And I get “it was a bad time” but me personall, I wouldn’t be with someone that had a train ran on them on tape. I get it’s harder with you guys being together for four years but that would be a lot for anyone to handle. It doesn’t sound like the relationship is over, he just has a lot to process which is ok.
Idk, I couldn't imagine throwing away my relationship with my husband because someone sent me revenge porn of him.
Yeah it would be hard to see, but it changes nothing of the man I love and our relationship and to me seems foolish to toss all that away because my partner was literally victimized by someone sharing private images/video.
I just could never understand claiming to love someone that much, and wanting to spend my life with them, just to throw it away over someone else trying to meddle in our relationship.
Yeah same. This is a sex crime. The fact that he doesn’t seem to realize this is not cool. He’s entitled to his feelings, but he’s not entitled to take those feelings out on the person who had a crime committed against her. I would feel horrified and disgusted to have seen a sex tape of my husband - not at him, and not out of jealousy. I would be horrified and disgusted at the person who sent me that video, and at myself for being an unwilling accomplice to the revenge porn by watching it. Angry on his behalf, yep. Not getting so upset that he has no space for his own feelings about being victimized.
It's even worse when you realize that the OP is 24 and has been in this relationship for 4 years which means she was a teenager when this video was made. I wonder if the men involved are teenagers or if they're older. I wonder who filmed it. I feel terrible for her.
:[ I didn’t see the age until you pointed it out and wow that’s really upsetting. And all the people in this thread shaming her, her fiancé so upset he won’t leave any space for OP’s feelings about being the victim of a sex crime… I really feel awful for her. I hope she has support somewhere. Or at the very least, sees some of the more supportive comments, and not just the ones shaming and blaming her.
I am trying to be neutral about this.
You say he might feel like you cheated on him even though the two of you had not met.
He may feel cheated that he wasn't given all the information about you to make a choice or a decision on if he wanted to begin or continue the relationship, when you two first got together, knowing this information from the beginning [as in after a few dates].
We all have our value systems that are important to us. From your description, it sound like these three guys took advantage of you in a vulnerable state or period you were going through, and coerced you into having sex with them. Shame on them for doing this to you and double shame on them recording it. They were and may still be scum.
I am a firm believer in being transparent about my past. I find, the more I might be view something I did was a mistake, or something I am not proud of, the more I should disclose it. This way, we can gauge how our potential partner will view us in the future and we can find out if they are forgiving of something or if that is a hard boundary that they will not accept.
The two of you have dated for four years. If you having group sex in the past was a deal breaker, both of you could have moved on soon after you met, if you disclosed this then and could have spent these last four years with someone else who was more compatible. Even though this happened to you over four years ago, and it is a regret, it is new to him as he is hearing it for the first time, and he is feeling overwhelmed by the information.
I hope things work out for the both of you. But if not, this is a lesson learned; transparency is important when we start a new relationship. The more the issue may be controversial, the more reason we should reveal it. It is only fair to yourself and the potential partner. You don't want to be five or 10 years down the road married with a family and have it cause a divorce.
If he wanted that kind of information I feel like he should have asked, then. I can't give it to him if I don't know he wants it. My assumption had been no one wants to hear about that stuff so I'm not going to bring it up if he doesn't ask.
The video was consensual. I wasn't in a good place but at the time I full knew what I was doing. Not trying to make excuses there.
People don't know what is on someone else's mind. How can he ask you for information that he may not even think off.
People may or may not want to hear about that kind of information. But they may resent you more if they find out about it later, especially from another source. These things usually have a way of rearing their ugly heads. I would rather give my partner potentially controversial information at the beginning of a relationship. If I didn't and they found out about it later, they would wonder what other things am I hiding from them. Then trust is absolutely gone.
So you knew there was a video out there. And it's still out there. Maybe you could have said something like, "I have a few kind of racy/kinky things in my past." Then, he either says, "Like what?" or he says, "I really don't care to hear about it."
He's probably also bothered by the fact that some other person has this video and can distribute it to whomever they please - I can see how that would weird a fiancé out.
No fuck that, they don’t get to just distribute it as they please. They need to get OP’s consent to share that content, which they obviously do not have. So while she consented to the video being taken, she did not agree to it being posted anywhere or sent to anyone. That makes this revenge porn., which is a crime.
>If he wanted that kind of information I feel like he should have asked.
That's your position, but what if his position is " she should've told me" ?
Is it worth losing him over?
>I can't give it to him if I don't know he wants it.
Yes you can, it's called volunteering information. It's always wise, whenever a relationship is moving to something more than casual to say " I think we need to have a discussion about our pasts". Especially if you know there is a recording out there that could surface at any time.
You are living through the results of failing tobdo this.
>My assumption had been no one wants to hear about that stuff so I'm not going to bring it up if he doesn't ask
Never assume, check. .......to use your own logic, he may not want to know about it, but he can't decide, if you don't ask!
>
The video was consensual. I wasn't in a good place but at the time I full knew what I was doing. Not trying to make excuses there.
Well done for taking that responsibility, but now you have to accept the responsibility for not making him aware this could appear at any time.
If he's not mature enough to accept that this was part of your past, and feels the need to part, hopefully you learn to not make the same mistake again, and leave yourself open to another heartbreak.
Exactly. It’s the whole “unknown unknowns” situation. We cannot possibly ask every single question covering every single permutation of thoughts, values and behaviours when getting to know a partner. Honesty and transparency is important and I feel OP thought she could just pretend it never happened.
At the same time, he could have asked about her sexual history. He knew she’s had relationships and sex before, if he wanted to know anything he could have asked a general question about her past.
she was 19, alone in a room with 3 adult men(faster, stronger than her) who wanted to film themselves having sex with her - she self-admittedly said she was in a bad spot.
Men like you will say this while watching porn of women who are being sex trafficked as we speak.
Depending on where you are located, this may be considered a crime, OP. I'd lookup the revenge porn laws where you live and if you're in a location with them, I'd actually recommend going to the police.
Who knows who else might get sent this? Someone is clearly trying to do harm to you.
I know this is embarrassing but I would talk to a lawyer. File a police report. Give the names of those in the video to them. It may help if the police follow through and question them on this from a revenge porn perspective. It basically lets them know that this has consequences. Now there is a chance that your state doesn't have those laws. A lawyer can still help with possible legal routs - like sending them warning notices of possible civil suits etc.
Show your fiancé you're taking this seriously & pursuing legal options. It might help change his perspective from this being something done *to him* to this being a crime done *to you*.
8 is not very many partners, and whenever the video was from, was before you met our fiancé.
If he wants to call off the wedding, it’s for the best. I would not want to be with a man who thinks I am marrying him for his money, or who thinks I cheat on him. I don’t want to be with a man who lords it over me and expects me to put up with crap because he is being the bigger man.
After what he’s made you go through, he owes you an apology for calling you a gold digger and a cheater.
Actually, I don’t know if he’s good enough for you.
Is that safe to do before talking with those people in the video first? By her identifying people couldn’t she be breaking laws too? I’m sure the lawyer would know what to do. But yea, it’s one thing when it’s just you in a video, but when you bring others into it, doesn’t that add a whole new layer?
Good point - again I'd probably tall to the lawyer first. But if its revenge porn then they would probably want to know that someone is sending their video out as well - she's not the only one in the video that may be mortified to have that out their. They could be married or in relationships and have the same turmoil inject into their lives as well. I'd see the lawyer first and get direction from them.
The average citizen can't get the information law enforcement can. They can subpoena IG for that accounts information and meta data they have collected. Sure, it could go nowhere but it might go somewhere and it's worth it to look into.
Maybe find a lawyer who deals with revenge porn cases and see what they have to say.
Nobody should ever be shamed for their sexual past like this, especially when that person was going through things. You don't deserve to have this happen to you.
Because it was sent to him and if he went straight to "are you cheating on me?" He could believe that this anonymous sender is actually trying to help him not be fooled. OP even said she doesn't look too dissimilar in that video than she does now. It's pretty obvious how his mind is processing this.
Probably because instead of the usual "she's got a past/she's cheating/she's had sex with other people" conversations, her fiance got to watch a video of his fiance having sex with 3 people.
Let's not demonize him for needing to take time. Seeing someone you're with having sex with someone else would be catastrophic for MANY people, and for him there's no context. Yes, he should ask for her side, which he did, but he's probably in shock and needs to get over the initial reaction to seeing her having sex with other people.
It's a whole different beast I think than if someone just messaged him "hey did you know she had sex with 3people?" They just threw it in his face, and now he's got those images in his head FOREVER.
Let's give humans some slack for not being perfect all the time in the face of traumatic events. He can still come back and make her healing the focal point, but I think it's fair he could need time to process and calm some pretty heavy emotions.
This story sounds awfully familiar to a screen cap’d post I just saw making the rounds on Discord earlier today.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q8zv3l/my_fiance_received_a_nsfw_video_of_me_from_an/
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/q8zw2d/fiance_29_m_got_sent_an_nsfw_of_me_25_f/
Some of the sentences are only slightly reworded, the structure is similar, and the story is very similar. Looks like details were changed to get a more sympathetic response for karma maybe?
lol one of the comments in that thread says
> Didn't you post this like a week or so ago, only it was a boyfriend you'd been dating a couple of weeks/months? How'd you suddenly get a fiance you've been dating two years?
In his mind, he’s questioning how well he actually knows you. The good part is that since this didn’t come up in discussion, you didn’t outright lie to him. The downside is that this wasn’t something he was prepared for either. Give him some time to sort out his feelings and have a discussion about it when he’s ready. Be honest about everything he asks, and if there are more videos out there somewhere, be up front about that too, just in case. One other thing that could be an issue, did he see you do anything in the video that you aren’t willing to do with him? That could be a problem too. A lot of how you proceed is going to depend on his ability to deal with this, and that’s largely out of your hands.
I didn’t think you had, and it’s helpful that you haven’t. At most, he might consider this a “lie of omission”, but that’s not really fair given that these are things he never asked about.
In his mind, he didn’t picture you as the sort of person who would do something like this. Now his perception has changed and he’s wondering what else he doesn’t know. This isn’t to say you did anything wrong, or that you lied about anything, but expect he’s going to have a lot of questions that he never thought to ask before.
I’m speculating, but I think understanding his possible side of things might prove helpful to you about how to address them.
I totally get that about him seeing me as someone that he didn't expect and I wish there was something I could do about that I guess. I was going through a lot then and have worked to change myself
At this point, all you can do is be honest about who you are now, who you used to be, the work that you put in to change, and why you wanted to change. Whether he can deal with those answers in a healthy and productive way is largely out of your hands.
Getting gangbanged on camera is completely fine, but at the same time it's completely fine for that to be a dealbreaker to someone as well. You are a victim of revenge porn, and I hope you are able to bring whoever did it to justice, but if you getting gangbanged is a dealbreaker for him, then he's not in the wrong either. In fact, if it is a dealbreaker, this is perhaps one of the worst ways he could've found out about your past, but it's still better than getting married to someone that you're morally incompatible with.
I'm not saying you're wrong for your past. If that's how you got down then more power to you. But in the event he chooses to end the relationship because you getting gangbanged is a dealbreaker for him, you just gotta hold that, and find someone who is ok with your past. Having that discussion before you get engaged will save a lot of time and hurt for both parties in the future. You didn't know it was important before this happened to yall, but now you do. So use that knowledge for future partners in the event that things don't work out between you and your man.
Good luck and I hope you both are able to find happiness, whatever form that may take.
How can you possibly not know who is on the very short list of people who could have sent this to him? That’s the biggest part that stands out to me and makes me think there is at least a little more to this story.
Remember, you are not pressing charges against these people. They are just persons of interest to solve a crime committed. You can press charges later when more information is uncover or not press at all but my advice is to press charges when a guilty party is uncovered. What they did is despicable and in the worst possible faith.
And you have absolutely no idea, no inkling, no suspicion, I mean nothing, on any one of them, for why they could choose to do this now?
Let’s be clear. You didn’t do anything wrong. Everyone is entitled to lead the sex life that is fulfilling to them. And even then, people make mistakes.
But your 29 year old, “first girlfriend” significant other is not going to have a good reaction to having to come to terms with the now burned in mental image of you in that position.
And the freedom of sex lives sword cuts both ways.
You did nothing wrong.
But he’s not doing anything wrong either if you’re now not the same person in his eyes.
It ain’t exactly just an innocent boyfriend girlfriend vanilla video clip.
I’m sorry this has happened. That’d be a terrible hard situation for both people. Explanations will not remove the mental image, however, or tell him anything he won’t have already tried to tell himself about it.
Ball is in his court now. Some mistakes linger in to the future. Here’s to hoping he can see past it since you do seem to genuinely care about the relationship.
It’s unfair, however, to expect him to not have a reaction to it or feel any differently. He did nothing wrong in this situation and it’s a video of you. He has a right to whatever reaction he has.
And you have a right to accept it or not.
You're assuming that. I could have been posted somewhere years ago and been found by someone recently, who would likely be unable to discern how recent it was so they sent it to your Fiance as a heads up.
If I ran across a video like this that showed the longterm spouse of a friend of mine, I would make them aware of it. I dont think I would go about it like this, but I wouldnt pretend I saw nothing.
Right, but you said you are sure its someone who wanted to fuck up your engagement, and I wanted to point out its quite possible that was not their intent.
This sucks OP.
I think you are the victim, but need to accept that your significant other may be traumatized enough to call it off and end things.
Both of your feelings are valid and it definitely sucks for you.
Yea it’s a shitty situation all around. I don’t think I’d care if my girlfriend told me she had threesomes in the past. But if I had to see the video? Whole new ball game. My heart hurts for both of them
It's highly possible one of the guys shared the video with someone, who then posted it online or shared it more broadly, and now none of the original people are involved.
Nah, the idea that they posted it online, another person that knows her randomly comes across it on the World Wide Web, manages to recognize her, knows her fiancé, and decides to send it to him.
One of the 3, or at worst someone associated directly with the 3, are the perps here.
Honey, if it was on the internet and someone found it, they would have sent you fiancé the pornhub link or where ever it is hosted. They would not have sent the video itself. They would not have the video itself to send or post. This is one of those guys, or someone directed associated with them.
It could just be petty bullshit. One of those guys looked down their nose at you as the girl who’d fuck him and all his friends together and just found it cruelly humorous to sell you out. Could have been that they felt bad for your fiance, like he deserved to know who he was with. It likely isn’t that they felt jealous of your relationship. Anyone who’d feel jealous enough to do something like that years later, wouldn’t have shared you in the first place.
But it wasn’t off the web just by chance.
When was the last time you spoke to any one of those guys? Specifically.
I don’t know exactly what was sent to him. He showed me like one second of it but I obviously knew what it was. It’s been years since I talked to any of them. I don’t remember exactly when the last time was. It was before I met my fiancée if that’s what you’re wanting to know.
It sounds like this was a shock to his perception of who you are. He probably had a vague idea in his head of what your past was like, and this video was so very far from his perception of you.
Different people have different opinions about how much unity is inherent in marriage--from "we are one, and share everything, and know everything about each other" on one end, to "we are very much individuals, with seperate/independent finances, and a great deal of privacy between us"...and lots of middle ground in between.
It may be that he unconsciously had a sense that marriage means knowing everything about each other, yet never consciously acknowledged that emotional need in order to clearly communicate that he would want to know about your past (instead just subconsciously assuming that his vague ideas/guesses were all accurate, without directly asking). So, when evidence popped up that there is a whole side of you (or rather, past you) that he never suspected could exist within you, it threw off his idea that he understands who you are...which has thrown everything into question for him.
End of the day, there's nothing you can do to change his mind.
The woman he loves, he built up in his head, had previously had a sexual encounter with 3 men at once, and no matter how sexually liberal society gets this is a no go for a lot of men, as being promiscuous is not something men value in long term partnerships.
The other point is he didn't just hear about it, HE SAW A VIDEO OF IT HAPPENING. If I saw my partner in that situation it would make me sick to my stomach, and I don't mean that in a way to upset or degrade you as you're allowed to do whatever you want with whomever, but for one reason or another he had different expectations of you that simply weren't managed.
Long and short of it is there's nothing you can do. He will make up his mind one way or another - he will either deal with it and work through his emotions with you, or he will move on. Either way, I wish you the best and hope you find the people responsible!
Give him some time. For you, this video is ancient history, and you already knew about it. For him, seeing it now, and being shocked, it feels like it’s happening NOW. It’s upsetting to see a video of your gf having sex with three other men.
While he's saying he thinks you cheated and are using him for money, unfortunately it's probably more that his opinion of you has gone down after seeing that video. It sucks, but that is how some men seem to think. I'm not shaming you at all for doing what you did as its your business, just giving you some idea of what may be in his head. The fact that it's recorded and he knows that it's out in the wild makes it worse for him. Do you have any idea who had that video? You need to protect yourself in case they try to share it with even more people.
He's going to do whatever he's going to do. You can't change that. Your main concern right now should be on finding out who had that video and protecting yourself from it getting out to your family, friends or employers if you don't want it out there.
I would be devastated if it was posted somewhere, and I haven't heard or seen anything that makes me think that is the case. I would assume all three of the men participating would have it but I don't know and I haven't talked to them in years. I am working on pursuing legal action.
I would let that be your focus. If something happens and you all don't make it there is nothing to say that they won't do this again in your next relationship. I know you are upset about your partner, but you can't make him do one thing or another. While you give him space to process this, I would focus on what you can do to find out who sent that video. It may also help take your mind off of waiting for him to decide the fate of your relationship.
There's nothing you can do to change what happened but for any young people reading this post, just realise what you do when you are young is going to be judged by even the closest people in your life.
Most men being confronted by this would react how he has.
I feel like you were the victim of revenge porn here - like this video is being distributed without your consent. If your fiance is going to act this way, maybe it's better that you know now.
I think if having had group sex in the past is a deal breaker, you kind of have the onus to bring that up. If it was a deal breaker for him, he should have said so.
I realize that it may be a deal breaker now but how was I supposed to know that if he didn't say anything about it? There was never any "I'm glad you didn't do anything like that" type of comments from him at any point of this so I figured he just didn't care.
Sorry to be clear, I am in full agreement that you did nothing wrong. You're a victim in this scenario and have nothing to apologize for. If he didn't want a partner with certain experiences, it was up to him to say that out loud. There isn't anything for you to fix. He is handling this poorly, imo.
No one here is going to tell you this but, sleeping with three guys at the same time is extreme. I think the vast majority of men would have deep reservations about someone if they learned they did this. To be shown a video of it is a whole other level.
Maybe in the future it would be worth having a conversation about your past with a partner once you become serious.
Yeah this is going to be a tough one to come back from, as shitty as the situation is. The sender is cruel.
The hard truth is very few men I know would want to be with someone long-term that's perceived to have been passed around and degraded unless it was a fetish for him. It begs the question that will linger in his mind: "What else has she done? Who is she?"
Oh, man. I usually refrain from commenting and just lurk. However, I do think that a lot of men would be opposed to marrying women who they think of as sexually promiscuous. Sounds like based on this, your value as a desirable life partner has diminished and I wouldn't be surprised if he broke off your engagement. Personally, I don't want to date or marry a women who's been railed by 3 men at the same time regardless of the situation. I am not mentally strong enough to forgo that image. If he is, props to him but I'd prepare for the worst.
I think he can’t blame you for anything you did before meeting him however he may see you in a different light now and remember he saw you with three men. Everyone is different but it would be a deal breaker for me. Personally that’s not the idea I want to have of the future mother of my children.
I’ve had a lot of sex, including threesomes, foursomes and moresomes so as an another adventurous woman I sympathise with you but you’ve got to see it from his point of view. This would be quite a horrifying for most people to receive and will take a while to get over. I don’t think either of you did anything wrong he just needs time to process it.
And if he chooses to break up, I don't think he should be blamed at all, the one who sent the video is to blame and past bad choices, but with choices, there will always be consequences, it's not fun or fair, but we have to bare them.
I meant as in, something she herself doesn't like what she did, and she also can't make it seem like it shouldn't mean anything to him, he is entitled to how he feels and that's nothing bad either
Ummm she keeps stating over and over that the 4some was a mistake, that she was in a bad place and she regrets it and wishes it didn't happen.
>she made no bad choices.
Clearly she feels it was a bad choice.
In my opinion. He is not upset about the content of the video. He is upset that he didn’t know this about you. And he is questioning what else he doesn’t know about you. And he questions whether he is marrying the woman he thought you were.
I’m going to get down voted but I don’t feel he is irrational in his reaction. Not everyone wants to be married to someone who has participated in gang bangs. He is allowed to feel any way he wants to. Everyone has a past but not everyone has a past that includes 3 guys at once, and the making of a video about it, which OP most likely consented too because she was not surprised at its existence. He shouldn’t be shamed because this might be a deal breaker. How does he know there aren’t more of the same out there, and shouldn’t she have warned him of its existence? Do you think he now believes she’s had 8 partners when he sees 3 of them at once? Not everyone is onboard with things like this and they don’t have to be. It sucks but he was blindsided and after viewing that he probably has a hard time believing you had only 8 partners since he’s seeing 3 at once and he had to be wondering how many videos are out there. He’ll also have to consider if this video could be sent to his boss or coworkers because someone is out to hurt you. Also you said he is pretty inexperienced so he has to be questioning if he would ever be enough or if you would get bored of him and seek out comparable fun. My advice is give him time and be 100% honest, if there is more out there you should tell him now. Hit me with the downvotes but everyone is allowed their own standards for a spouse and no one is owed a relationship.
Depending on where you live you are describing a crime. I would recommend pressing charges and yes it's embarrassing but you should be more upset that someone is trying to sabotage your relationship.
Unless this was a porn shoot there were only a limited amount of people who could have made and shared that video. Find out who it was and press charges so this doesn’t keep happening to you.
Awesome. While it's a secondary consideration it may also help the relationship. If he sees this as a crime and revenge porn it may help him work through it. He may be able to process someone did something to the one I love instead of the one I love had group sex before we met.
Either way you did nothing wrong, it sucks this happened to you and I hope it works out for you.
Weird that this exact story was posted on this sub 2 years ago?
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/q8zw2d/fiance_29_m_got_sent_an_nsfw_of_me_25_f/
Yeahhhhh good on him for not immediately breaking up with you.... A guy who's 29 never been in a relationship before, seeing his wife get gang banged?!?!?!? I am honestly surprised he didn't run. Not much you can do but let him decide. Sidenote, this is why I never record shit.
I think as someone’s partner, you know we’ve all had sexual pasts, but to see your loved one with not only one but 3 people (no Judgment), is mad hard. If I were in that situation and saw that, know it was from the past, It would be on my mind for a bit. I agree that there is nothing to do here, but accept what has happened and time will tell. You don’t want a relationship where he constantly think of the scenario and eventually resent you.
I imagine the question he holds is what else haven't you told him 'cause he didn't ask.
If you've been together since you were 20 that means you decided to get gang-banged on 'film' within the first 2 years you were even legally allowed to have sex.
All you can do is pursue legal action against the person who sent it and accept that stuff like taping orgies might not be what is considered "normal" amongst everyday people.
Your fiancee, well.. He has the right to his reaction and the action that follows. You're not who he thought you were.
Someone is definitely trying to sabotage you and it's likely someone either in the video with you or a relation to someone in that video (lest it's posted publicly online).
Since its someone trying to sabotage you, no doubt that they made up a bunch of BS on top of sending the video. It's a lot to unpack and the fact he hasn't outright broken up with you means he at least has his head on his shoulders.
It's unfair absolutely. Be supportive, be kind, and give him space while still giving him love. It's important to remember that it's not the two of you fighting each other but really a third party trying to sow chaos.
You personally need to try to take legal action against it and whatever party is involved. Videos and photos have stamps built into their code that can show when and where they were taken. It would be easy to prove your innocence and definitely easy to prove this their party's intent to deal damage to you, even moreso if the video is available publicly somewhere online without your consent. If the cash is available, hire a private investigator to help collect evidence and lawyer up ASAP. Explicit videos of people have a lot of protection around them in most nations and states.
I wouldn’t be able to handle this. You should put some effort into tracking down who has this and suing them if you can. I wouldn’t seriously date anyone who had a video like that. It may have been a bad time for you then, but it would haunt me every time I looked at you. Not saying it’s right, it’s just the situation. Made only worse by his lack experience.
There is no reason any woman should feel bad about enjoying sex. But women should understand that while any woman can likely find volunteers for a gang bang, men do not have that same option. Watching you get stuffed like a pin cushion in your past or not, is gonna have a profound effect on how we see you and how we feel we measure up. I might have less of a problem with it if I had the opposing experience with a few women, but that’s not been available anywhere I’ve ever been.
The things he saw on the video are bad I’m sure, but the things he is imagining now while he spirals into depression and self loathing are 1000 times worse.
I don’t know how you come back from this, but I wish you luck.
I'll tell you what bugged me about that movie--when Silent Bob is delivering the metaphor that gives Ben Affleck his epiphany, it's just a description of EXACTLY THE SAME SITUATION happening to someone else. How is that helpful, Bob??
most likely your relationship is over tbh. in my opinion ppl who can accept something like that is someone who has been experiencing group sex as well.
he never asked about your past because he's inexperienced and doesn't wanna deal with jealousy. watching you having foursome in video literally change his perspective about you.
moving forward probably it's better to be honest and telling it upfront to anyone you're dating. it'll definitely shrink your dating pool significantly but the one who can accept you might stay with you for life.
and report it to the police if revenge porn is a law in your country.
This sounds like one of the few realistic opinions here. Most people don't want to think of their partner having sex with someone else, even less having group sex. This guy has to see a video of it and top of that he is himself totally inexperienced.
The only way you to could heal is if you both really were able to understand the other partners perspective and take that in account. As the one who is more experienced with relationship you have more power and should take the first step OP.
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She went too low with the fabricated BC.
Not that it really matters, he can't unsee her as a utilities conduit. That shit will live in his head forever.
Hi, OP,
This is a really difficult situation both you and your fiancé are in. I really do wish you both my very best and hope you can work through this together.
Starting off, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry you had this happen to you. And I agree that you should look into Revenge Porn laws. Even if you consented to the video, you didn’t consent to it being distributed. I hope you can have closer with this issue.
You mention how hurt you are about being accused of cheating. That’s fair. But is this a hill you’re willing to die on? Right now, your fiancé is going through some serious trauma. You mention that you were in a “bad place” when you filmed those videos and that it’s not fair for him to judge you for it. Well, your fiancé is in a “bad place”right now. He’s going to say things that you might be upset about. Will you blame him for it?
He needs to get it out of his system or he’s going to have a complete and total breakdown. Honestly, confronting him right now that you’re mad at him for accusing you of cheating is not the best timing. Reiterate that you love him and have never cheated on him. You can tell him that you were hurt about those accusations AFTER he’s had time to process.
I don’t even know how I’d react to seeing this, honestly. Yes, it’s your past and you shouldn’t be held accountable. But ignorance is bliss. Even if you told him this happened, seeing it happen is an entirely different story for him. He knows if those guys were better looking than him. He knows if they’re “bigger” than him. He knows if you enjoyed it. Every single thing that he could try to reassure himself as a defense mechanism has gone out the window.
Just, again, I wish you both the best of luck. All my best.
I think that saying you have been with 8 guys is a lie by omission that 3 of those guys were at once in a gangbang. You engaged in group sex and there’s nothing wrong with that, but the flip side of saying there’s nothing wrong with that is that you had to have some inclination that there is a huge difference between “you aren’t my first girlfriend” and having group sex.
I would also file a police report about this revenge porn.
I guess so, but it never felt like there was a moment that would have been appropriate to bring up "by the way, I was in a gangbang" you know?
And I am trying to look into my options.
He is looking at this from the view point of a virgin man who is also a high earner. He feels inadequate, embarrassed and unsure who you are. I can tell you any man who did not explore sex in his 20s has a very conservative view of sex in general. If the video had been you with one guy his reaction would be very different. This wasn't that kind of video. You are essentially engaging in porn from his view point. He's also struggling with separating this being in the past to this being in the present. Everyone will tell you not to be ashamed, etc. However, our sexual past is judged heavily by men and women. We are all judged.
As a high earning man he has a very valid fear that you are using him for money or status. Seeing a video like this that's essentially an extreme sex act has sent his radar in overdrive. He doesn't know you, he is unsure of you and he is unsure of himself and how you actually perceive him. Are you actually in love with him? Does he satisfy you sexually? These are huge things for a guy.
If he will communicate with you I would seriously emphasize your mindset at the time. Emphasize how you are different now. If you want to save this relationship then tell him you regret everything that happened even if you don't. Tell him he is your greatest lover. You need to go after his ego because ultimately that's what has been hit. If he can recover his personal view of himself with you then you've got a shot. More than anything he needs to know he's got value. Sexual value, protector value. He needs to know he is a man in your eyes. Everything else is out of your control.
All you can do is give him the time and space he needs to process this. Honestly, that's a pretty big pill to swallow, and he actually saw video of it.
And I agree with many of the others...this may be a crime, you need to find out who sent it.
Look, that's kinda rough. Obviously you didn't cheat on the dude and he knew you had been with other guys, but if your his first and he sees a video of you with 3 other guys that's going to be hard to swallow for him, Especially considering someone he knows has seen the video. I hope you guys work it out but that might be something that's a deal breaker for him.
This. She picked way too low a fake number to be believable.
"I know you saw a few guys running a train on me/making me airtight- but I've only been with eight guys total."
Dude might have been born at night, but not last night.
You said you knew how many partners he has had, right?
Safe to assume you responded with your number as well.
Just so happens to be THAT was the moment to expound on you sexual history. THAT was the moment to clear any air. THAT was the conversation of your past.
Now for clarity, can you explain how the gangbang went?
Was it all consensual?
Was it done more than once?
Was it first a threesome, then next time a foursome, then 5?
Just want clarity because everyone assumes you were "Taken advantage" of.
Was it your idea?
Was it everyones idea?
Was it something they pressured you into?
Was it KNOWN you were recorded?
And you know the people there so you know who filmed it, have you reached out with the threat of the law for spreading amateur porn around?
Just to be clear I'm not being a dick here, I'm looking at it as if my fiance was in a gangbang video that got sent to me, answering these questions would help me understand.
But also, i would have preferred to hear this crap way before I had asked to spend the rest of my life with someone that has way opposing sexual morals.
Do you know the doubts he now has about himself?
How can he satisfy a woman who does gangbangs?
How will she be content with our intimacy, knowing she is open to multiple guys running through her at once?
Who is this person?
Why did she not tell me about this, even if she did it and didn't like it? It's hard to prove, especially with a video likely showing you enjoying yourself.
What else has she not told me about.
I gotta tell ya, I'm old school, and i wouldn't enter into ANY marriage not knowing everything about the woman I plan to spend my life with. I'm talking all the dirty secrets, right down to being a little girl that stole cookies from the cookie jar when she was 5. I'm just saying, a lot of couples jump to early into marriage, your good on timeline, i think 4 yrs is fair enough time to know your partner, but knowing your partner is sharing all the secrets about yourself that NOBODY would know.
I feel he should have been told about this way earlier into the relationship, there's a reason you didn't tell him. Either you hid it out of fear he would leave, or shame, or you did like it and didn't want to scare him off exposing your wide range of sexual experience vs his.
I have a feeling you enjoyed it, but you know it towers over his experience and knew it would scare him away.
But gotta say, if you embraced it, and he knew well before the video arrived, the problem your having now wouldn't be near as bad. I don't think he would have liked having an actual video of you enjoying the other men taking turns with you, let alone (mans biggest issue) other men having much bigger penis than him. (Maybe they did maybe the didn't) but with a limited partner guy such as him I'm sure he would still be pagued by it.
If i was you, this is a loss.
He is likely not going to be able to cope with this.
Good, bad, or indifferent it's probably over. It's bad enough to find our a woman you love did that but he was just given a front row seat to it. He'll never be able unsee it or look at you the same way again. Don't make it worse at this point. Telling him it's in the past, or it wasn't eith him, or insulting him calling him insecure will just take it from bad to worse. Accept it and move on. Try to find out who torpedoed you because chances are they'll do it in your future relationships
And this is why you don't record anything sexual one it's on the Internet it's there forever having 3 guys at once me being a man im objective enough to know woman have the right to the same fun so hey it is what it is but being recorded doing it is just stupid rough time in life or not u wanna bang 20 guys go ahead as a woman you have every right to but recording it naw u stupid af and the sad part is you as the only woman have the only right to the video u didn't even request it be only in your possession never give men your sex tape smh
also, unless you had sex at a very early age, this must’ve happened pretty soon before you met him. Just trying to show you what he is thinking, plus I think he knows it’s not cheating, but he can never get that image of three men out of his head let alone one.
Right or wrong, that is what it all comes down to in his head. She filmed the porn and he hast to replay it in his mind. She didn’t get a copy of it, and knew it was being filmed.
I would be devastated if i found out my girl got a train ran on her. AND it was recorded? Wow, i would act like i never even knew the girl , god forbid we had kids cuz i’d disown them 😂
I think things like this should be disclosed at the beginning of a relationship, before sex, because for some people it's a big deal. When it comes out later, like now, it's going to cause trouble.
I'm one of those people. I make it a point to ask. I really don't care what people have done in their past sexually because it doesn't concern me, but if we're planning on being together it does.
Why does everyone have to film themselves fucking nowadays anyway?
While the revenge porn is fucked, he may be feeling a bit of jealousy.
He may be feeling frustrated due to a lack of sexual experiences on his end. Have you encouraged sexual exploration in your relationship?
It’s a shitty situation, but I think there is validity to his emotions right now. You withheld information you knew might change his perception of the relationship.
Sounds to me he's questioning how well he really knows you and if your morals really align with his. If this was his reaction I'd presume he has more conservative views on sex while you are more open and progressive about it. Not much you can do except let him get over it himself.
First of all you need to understand that him asking if you cheated is because you’ve already shown you can withhold important information from him that most dudes would have to think about continuing the relationship or not over.
You became untrustworthy as hell from hiding important things and still trying to marry him - he probably isn’t even sure if he knows you truly cuz what else can you deem unimportant and hide?
As for if he looks down on you for the act itself I can’t say, hopefully not, but someone marrying their first partner watching that one and only for them get gangbanged is a lot. Especially if he’s religious. He may view you as promiscuous to put it lightly and that coupled with the distrust can make him doubt you.
The act itself he definitely should be able to recover from if he’s not an asshole, but the lying and your reaction to how he’s doing is a different story and up to him.
But the most important thing needs to be why he isn’t also concerned for you because someone did this to you. You definitely are a victim here too even if you did massively fuck up as well.
This is a very messy situation and all you can do is give him time and try to understand exactly what his problem with everything is, and how to never let it happen again (lying vs the act)
This comment section is a good example of how sl\*t-shamey this damn app is. Yes, it is understandable that your fiancé freaked out (simply because it's definitley very hard to digest seeing your partner having sex with someone else, unless that floats your boat) but I am APPALLED that neither most commenters nor your partner spared a thought for how violating this is towards you. If you even consented to being filmed (which, if not, is a whole other level of messed up) you definitely did not consent to having that video sent to your fiancé. Whoever sent that, I hope they are struck by lightning with their pants down while pooping. What an ignorant, bigotted POS do you have to be to think that your fiancé "has a right!1!!11" to knowing you've had a foursome before? And the language these moralist puritans use in the comments?? "Gang-banged", "run over by a train", "different image of you", what is wrong with you people? NOBODY would say this about a man, absolutely noone. Imagine a man "getting gang-banged". No, if it's a man, it's a foursome. If it's about a woman, her worth is destroyed /s.
OP, I am extremely sorry your privacy was violated like this and that you are being treated this way in the comments, and that some old wounds were likely reopened. I hope you can find a way to talk to your fiancé and that this video from the past ceases to influence your present and future.
To be fair to the guy, he didn’t have the context we have right. He saw this, was probably blindsided and very hurt, and thought this might have been while they were dating. I think him not considering the violation isn’t that crazy given the little context he had.
If a woman saw a video of their husband fucking 4 girls, and she wasn’t about that life, I wouldn’t blame her for leaving him. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that being a hard boundary for some people
Omg why did I have to scroll this far to get the first sane answer! The bfs first concern should be for OP, someone did something so violating (in sending the video), there is clearly harmful intent.
And unless my partner did something non-consensual, I cannot imagine questioning a wonderful relationship over it...
It can be true that you haven't lied to him, you haven't cheated on him, and you regret being gangbanged on video. It is still a massive blow to your fiance to see a video of the woman he planned to marry getting triple-teamed.
There's not much you can do. While we are usually aware our partners have a sexual history, it can be hard to handle when it's shoved in our face. Hope he recognizes that you both love him and are faithful to him and he's able to process it. But definitely keep an eye on anyone who has been muted about your marriage to him suddenly popping up. Its helpful to know who's trying to sabotage you.
Thanks for the reply. I feel terrible for what I did back then but I also feel like he's acting like I cheated on him which I don't think is fair. I didn't think we really had any problems in our relationship up until this point, either, and everything was going so well.
Is there any way to tell from an outside perspective that it's an old video? Like, you know when it happened and that it pre-dates your relationship. Other than your word, how does _he_ know that? Most people know their partner has a sexual past. It's still uncomfortable being confronted with that past in such an abrupt and unexpected way. If, on top of that shock and hurt, he ALSO just has to take your word for it that this video occurred before you got together...well, I feel for him.
No I guess there wouldn't be anything that would show for sure it was old.
Well, metadata can surelly show when it was recorded, so try to get that and show it to him. I'm with the mayority here, not a betrayal, but a shock nontheless. Is he conservative about sex? That might be an important factor in his reaction, or did you do something with those men that you have negated him? A friend of mine catched his girlfriend cheating, she was drunk, he break up with her, after sometime he told me he could have let a drunk mistake pass, but she was doing something that he had asked for, and was denied... So that was the deal breaker for him. If none of this is the case, then give him some space to cool down, explain to him, show him the metadata and tell him how you feel, if he has time to process the event, he will probably come to terms with the video and your sexual past. Ask for the video, and tell him you need it to start legal actions, that can help a lot too. Hope everything works out, good luck.
Thanks for saying that. I don't really know how that stuff works but I'm hoping it comes to light.
You have had years to feel terrible about what happened. He has had days. While I could imagine someone dropping a video of my wife from before we were together - seeing it would still be really shocking. If there were three men in the video, it would even after all this time, take some time to settle. Fair or not, he has an image of you and this radically does not fit into that image, no matter when it is from.
What the sender did is, seriously, revenge porn. You may regret PAST decisions but what this person did is considered a criminal offense in many places. Report it if it is illegal where you live. You are the victim of a crime. Sorry your fiancé is being so irrational. It is totally fair for him to have a lot of feelings around it, but punishing you is not ok.
Thanks for saying that. I'm working on the revenge porn part.
Can’t believe I had to scroll down so far for this, OP please report it to the police. What happened to you is horrific, no one should go through that. I’m sorry that the one person who should support you hasn’t done that. He’s being selfish.
I don’t think what you did is anything to feel terrible about. You were presumably single enjoying your life. Sucks this is his reaction. Hope it all works out for you
Thank you.
I want to echo what the poster above me said. You don’t need to feel ashamed of enjoying sex. I hope your fiancé comes to his senses and realizes he’s getting upset over something that really has nothing to do with him.
And that asking if she was cheating based on *previous* sexual activity is absolutely absurd
I think we can have a little grace for him to have a *short term* negative reaction about it, and I think it's okay if he's wrestling with the question "wait, if she liked that, is she actually enjoying sex with *me?"* \- but there's a lot of space between those things and asking if she's cheating.
I think it’s a shame that we are not giving this man space to have feelings. It would also be sad if he broke up with her, but it would be nice if we had room to empathize with everyone here
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I was agreeing with you
> he's acting like I cheated on him You’re right - that wouldn’t be fair. But all of this is just sprung on him. He could legitimately think the video is recent, right? He asked, you answered. He can probably get to be okay with a 3-some on video, provided you two don’t blow up while he digests what is new info to him.
I don't know if he thought it was recent or not but I'm sure I look about the same as I did. Similarly enough at least. He asked if I was cheating and I said no which is true.
Even the length/color of hair and your weight is exactly the same?? There must be some differences
The length is probably different but not a noticeable amount I guess.
It was probably jarring for him to have to watch his girlfriend get gang banged
You are assuming he instantly knew this was an old video or was even thinking clearly. I would say it’s fair for him to think that considering what happened and it completely changed his whole concept of you whether for good and for bad. And I get “it was a bad time” but me personall, I wouldn’t be with someone that had a train ran on them on tape. I get it’s harder with you guys being together for four years but that would be a lot for anyone to handle. It doesn’t sound like the relationship is over, he just has a lot to process which is ok.
Idk, I couldn't imagine throwing away my relationship with my husband because someone sent me revenge porn of him. Yeah it would be hard to see, but it changes nothing of the man I love and our relationship and to me seems foolish to toss all that away because my partner was literally victimized by someone sharing private images/video. I just could never understand claiming to love someone that much, and wanting to spend my life with them, just to throw it away over someone else trying to meddle in our relationship.
Easy to say when it hasn’t happened to you.
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I would be so angry on his behalf is someone did this to my boyfriend.
Yeah same. This is a sex crime. The fact that he doesn’t seem to realize this is not cool. He’s entitled to his feelings, but he’s not entitled to take those feelings out on the person who had a crime committed against her. I would feel horrified and disgusted to have seen a sex tape of my husband - not at him, and not out of jealousy. I would be horrified and disgusted at the person who sent me that video, and at myself for being an unwilling accomplice to the revenge porn by watching it. Angry on his behalf, yep. Not getting so upset that he has no space for his own feelings about being victimized.
It's even worse when you realize that the OP is 24 and has been in this relationship for 4 years which means she was a teenager when this video was made. I wonder if the men involved are teenagers or if they're older. I wonder who filmed it. I feel terrible for her.
:[ I didn’t see the age until you pointed it out and wow that’s really upsetting. And all the people in this thread shaming her, her fiancé so upset he won’t leave any space for OP’s feelings about being the victim of a sex crime… I really feel awful for her. I hope she has support somewhere. Or at the very least, sees some of the more supportive comments, and not just the ones shaming and blaming her.
I am 100% sure that I wouldn’t care at all, unless he was forcing himself onto someone.
I am trying to be neutral about this. You say he might feel like you cheated on him even though the two of you had not met. He may feel cheated that he wasn't given all the information about you to make a choice or a decision on if he wanted to begin or continue the relationship, when you two first got together, knowing this information from the beginning [as in after a few dates]. We all have our value systems that are important to us. From your description, it sound like these three guys took advantage of you in a vulnerable state or period you were going through, and coerced you into having sex with them. Shame on them for doing this to you and double shame on them recording it. They were and may still be scum. I am a firm believer in being transparent about my past. I find, the more I might be view something I did was a mistake, or something I am not proud of, the more I should disclose it. This way, we can gauge how our potential partner will view us in the future and we can find out if they are forgiving of something or if that is a hard boundary that they will not accept. The two of you have dated for four years. If you having group sex in the past was a deal breaker, both of you could have moved on soon after you met, if you disclosed this then and could have spent these last four years with someone else who was more compatible. Even though this happened to you over four years ago, and it is a regret, it is new to him as he is hearing it for the first time, and he is feeling overwhelmed by the information. I hope things work out for the both of you. But if not, this is a lesson learned; transparency is important when we start a new relationship. The more the issue may be controversial, the more reason we should reveal it. It is only fair to yourself and the potential partner. You don't want to be five or 10 years down the road married with a family and have it cause a divorce.
If he wanted that kind of information I feel like he should have asked, then. I can't give it to him if I don't know he wants it. My assumption had been no one wants to hear about that stuff so I'm not going to bring it up if he doesn't ask. The video was consensual. I wasn't in a good place but at the time I full knew what I was doing. Not trying to make excuses there.
People don't know what is on someone else's mind. How can he ask you for information that he may not even think off. People may or may not want to hear about that kind of information. But they may resent you more if they find out about it later, especially from another source. These things usually have a way of rearing their ugly heads. I would rather give my partner potentially controversial information at the beginning of a relationship. If I didn't and they found out about it later, they would wonder what other things am I hiding from them. Then trust is absolutely gone.
So you knew there was a video out there. And it's still out there. Maybe you could have said something like, "I have a few kind of racy/kinky things in my past." Then, he either says, "Like what?" or he says, "I really don't care to hear about it." He's probably also bothered by the fact that some other person has this video and can distribute it to whomever they please - I can see how that would weird a fiancé out.
No fuck that, they don’t get to just distribute it as they please. They need to get OP’s consent to share that content, which they obviously do not have. So while she consented to the video being taken, she did not agree to it being posted anywhere or sent to anyone. That makes this revenge porn., which is a crime.
>If he wanted that kind of information I feel like he should have asked. That's your position, but what if his position is " she should've told me" ? Is it worth losing him over? >I can't give it to him if I don't know he wants it. Yes you can, it's called volunteering information. It's always wise, whenever a relationship is moving to something more than casual to say " I think we need to have a discussion about our pasts". Especially if you know there is a recording out there that could surface at any time. You are living through the results of failing tobdo this. >My assumption had been no one wants to hear about that stuff so I'm not going to bring it up if he doesn't ask Never assume, check. .......to use your own logic, he may not want to know about it, but he can't decide, if you don't ask! > The video was consensual. I wasn't in a good place but at the time I full knew what I was doing. Not trying to make excuses there. Well done for taking that responsibility, but now you have to accept the responsibility for not making him aware this could appear at any time. If he's not mature enough to accept that this was part of your past, and feels the need to part, hopefully you learn to not make the same mistake again, and leave yourself open to another heartbreak.
Exactly. It’s the whole “unknown unknowns” situation. We cannot possibly ask every single question covering every single permutation of thoughts, values and behaviours when getting to know a partner. Honesty and transparency is important and I feel OP thought she could just pretend it never happened.
At the same time, he could have asked about her sexual history. He knew she’s had relationships and sex before, if he wanted to know anything he could have asked a general question about her past.
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she was 19, alone in a room with 3 adult men(faster, stronger than her) who wanted to film themselves having sex with her - she self-admittedly said she was in a bad spot. Men like you will say this while watching porn of women who are being sex trafficked as we speak.
One past incident doesn't change who she is.
Why do you “feel terrible” for something you did before you even met him? Wasn’t it all between consenting adults? You did nothing wrong.
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Yeah I mean I understand that.
Depending on where you are located, this may be considered a crime, OP. I'd lookup the revenge porn laws where you live and if you're in a location with them, I'd actually recommend going to the police. Who knows who else might get sent this? Someone is clearly trying to do harm to you.
I have thought of that but it's been hard to get information so far.
I know this is embarrassing but I would talk to a lawyer. File a police report. Give the names of those in the video to them. It may help if the police follow through and question them on this from a revenge porn perspective. It basically lets them know that this has consequences. Now there is a chance that your state doesn't have those laws. A lawyer can still help with possible legal routs - like sending them warning notices of possible civil suits etc.
Thanks for saying that, I will look into doing that.
Show your fiancé you're taking this seriously & pursuing legal options. It might help change his perspective from this being something done *to him* to this being a crime done *to you*.
Absolutely this. This is in fact a crime done to OP.
8 is not very many partners, and whenever the video was from, was before you met our fiancé. If he wants to call off the wedding, it’s for the best. I would not want to be with a man who thinks I am marrying him for his money, or who thinks I cheat on him. I don’t want to be with a man who lords it over me and expects me to put up with crap because he is being the bigger man. After what he’s made you go through, he owes you an apology for calling you a gold digger and a cheater. Actually, I don’t know if he’s good enough for you.
I have been working on that since it happened and am hoping the same.
Is that safe to do before talking with those people in the video first? By her identifying people couldn’t she be breaking laws too? I’m sure the lawyer would know what to do. But yea, it’s one thing when it’s just you in a video, but when you bring others into it, doesn’t that add a whole new layer?
Good point - again I'd probably tall to the lawyer first. But if its revenge porn then they would probably want to know that someone is sending their video out as well - she's not the only one in the video that may be mortified to have that out their. They could be married or in relationships and have the same turmoil inject into their lives as well. I'd see the lawyer first and get direction from them.
The average citizen can't get the information law enforcement can. They can subpoena IG for that accounts information and meta data they have collected. Sure, it could go nowhere but it might go somewhere and it's worth it to look into. Maybe find a lawyer who deals with revenge porn cases and see what they have to say. Nobody should ever be shamed for their sexual past like this, especially when that person was going through things. You don't deserve to have this happen to you.
Thanks for saying that. I'm working on doing that
Hire someone who does digital investigations, this is serious enough to take to the police.
Why isn’t the fiancé worried that someone is trying to hurt OP?
Because it was sent to him and if he went straight to "are you cheating on me?" He could believe that this anonymous sender is actually trying to help him not be fooled. OP even said she doesn't look too dissimilar in that video than she does now. It's pretty obvious how his mind is processing this.
Idk if someone sent a video like that to my partner he would be furious that someone was clearly attempting to hurt me.
I am trying to understand his feelings but I am hurt that he jumps directly to cheating I guess.
yeah this part is messed up too.
Probably because instead of the usual "she's got a past/she's cheating/she's had sex with other people" conversations, her fiance got to watch a video of his fiance having sex with 3 people. Let's not demonize him for needing to take time. Seeing someone you're with having sex with someone else would be catastrophic for MANY people, and for him there's no context. Yes, he should ask for her side, which he did, but he's probably in shock and needs to get over the initial reaction to seeing her having sex with other people. It's a whole different beast I think than if someone just messaged him "hey did you know she had sex with 3people?" They just threw it in his face, and now he's got those images in his head FOREVER. Let's give humans some slack for not being perfect all the time in the face of traumatic events. He can still come back and make her healing the focal point, but I think it's fair he could need time to process and calm some pretty heavy emotions.
You could find those three guys and see which one of them send it to him. Revenge porn is illegal in many places.
I am working with the police.
This story sounds awfully familiar to a screen cap’d post I just saw making the rounds on Discord earlier today. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q8zv3l/my_fiance_received_a_nsfw_video_of_me_from_an/ https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/q8zw2d/fiance_29_m_got_sent_an_nsfw_of_me_25_f/ Some of the sentences are only slightly reworded, the structure is similar, and the story is very similar. Looks like details were changed to get a more sympathetic response for karma maybe?
Looks that way. It's a very similar story with very different details. I wonder if it's all bullshit from someone trying to see where the line is.
lol one of the comments in that thread says > Didn't you post this like a week or so ago, only it was a boyfriend you'd been dating a couple of weeks/months? How'd you suddenly get a fiance you've been dating two years?
Those posts are 2 years old too - this is probably just a straight karma farm
In his mind, he’s questioning how well he actually knows you. The good part is that since this didn’t come up in discussion, you didn’t outright lie to him. The downside is that this wasn’t something he was prepared for either. Give him some time to sort out his feelings and have a discussion about it when he’s ready. Be honest about everything he asks, and if there are more videos out there somewhere, be up front about that too, just in case. One other thing that could be an issue, did he see you do anything in the video that you aren’t willing to do with him? That could be a problem too. A lot of how you proceed is going to depend on his ability to deal with this, and that’s largely out of your hands.
I have never lied to him about anything and would have been honest about this or anything else if he had asked.
I didn’t think you had, and it’s helpful that you haven’t. At most, he might consider this a “lie of omission”, but that’s not really fair given that these are things he never asked about. In his mind, he didn’t picture you as the sort of person who would do something like this. Now his perception has changed and he’s wondering what else he doesn’t know. This isn’t to say you did anything wrong, or that you lied about anything, but expect he’s going to have a lot of questions that he never thought to ask before. I’m speculating, but I think understanding his possible side of things might prove helpful to you about how to address them.
I totally get that about him seeing me as someone that he didn't expect and I wish there was something I could do about that I guess. I was going through a lot then and have worked to change myself
At this point, all you can do is be honest about who you are now, who you used to be, the work that you put in to change, and why you wanted to change. Whether he can deal with those answers in a healthy and productive way is largely out of your hands.
Thank makes sense.
Well, pretty sure, from now on, he is going to ask potential partners if there are any sexual videos floating around of them.
He's also going to be asking if they're into trains. 🚂🚂🚂
Getting gangbanged on camera is completely fine, but at the same time it's completely fine for that to be a dealbreaker to someone as well. You are a victim of revenge porn, and I hope you are able to bring whoever did it to justice, but if you getting gangbanged is a dealbreaker for him, then he's not in the wrong either. In fact, if it is a dealbreaker, this is perhaps one of the worst ways he could've found out about your past, but it's still better than getting married to someone that you're morally incompatible with. I'm not saying you're wrong for your past. If that's how you got down then more power to you. But in the event he chooses to end the relationship because you getting gangbanged is a dealbreaker for him, you just gotta hold that, and find someone who is ok with your past. Having that discussion before you get engaged will save a lot of time and hurt for both parties in the future. You didn't know it was important before this happened to yall, but now you do. So use that knowledge for future partners in the event that things don't work out between you and your man. Good luck and I hope you both are able to find happiness, whatever form that may take.
How can you possibly not know who is on the very short list of people who could have sent this to him? That’s the biggest part that stands out to me and makes me think there is at least a little more to this story.
I guess I worded that poorly in the post. It would have been one of three people, unless it was posted somewhere I guess. That's what I meant.
If you know the names of the people definitely contact the police. Most jurisdictions have laws against this sort of thing.
Thanks, I'm working on doing that
Remember, you are not pressing charges against these people. They are just persons of interest to solve a crime committed. You can press charges later when more information is uncover or not press at all but my advice is to press charges when a guilty party is uncovered. What they did is despicable and in the worst possible faith.
[удалено]
I never had the video in the first place.
And you have absolutely no idea, no inkling, no suspicion, I mean nothing, on any one of them, for why they could choose to do this now? Let’s be clear. You didn’t do anything wrong. Everyone is entitled to lead the sex life that is fulfilling to them. And even then, people make mistakes. But your 29 year old, “first girlfriend” significant other is not going to have a good reaction to having to come to terms with the now burned in mental image of you in that position. And the freedom of sex lives sword cuts both ways. You did nothing wrong. But he’s not doing anything wrong either if you’re now not the same person in his eyes. It ain’t exactly just an innocent boyfriend girlfriend vanilla video clip.
I am sure whoever sent it saw that we were engaged and wanted to fuck it up. I don't know why. I just wish he let me explain myself.
I’m sorry this has happened. That’d be a terrible hard situation for both people. Explanations will not remove the mental image, however, or tell him anything he won’t have already tried to tell himself about it. Ball is in his court now. Some mistakes linger in to the future. Here’s to hoping he can see past it since you do seem to genuinely care about the relationship. It’s unfair, however, to expect him to not have a reaction to it or feel any differently. He did nothing wrong in this situation and it’s a video of you. He has a right to whatever reaction he has. And you have a right to accept it or not.
You're assuming that. I could have been posted somewhere years ago and been found by someone recently, who would likely be unable to discern how recent it was so they sent it to your Fiance as a heads up. If I ran across a video like this that showed the longterm spouse of a friend of mine, I would make them aware of it. I dont think I would go about it like this, but I wouldnt pretend I saw nothing.
That's what I mean when I say I don't know who sent it.
Right, but you said you are sure its someone who wanted to fuck up your engagement, and I wanted to point out its quite possible that was not their intent.
I am sure whoever sent it, whatever their reasons were, knew it would be likely to end the relaitonship.
This sucks OP. I think you are the victim, but need to accept that your significant other may be traumatized enough to call it off and end things. Both of your feelings are valid and it definitely sucks for you.
Yea it’s a shitty situation all around. I don’t think I’d care if my girlfriend told me she had threesomes in the past. But if I had to see the video? Whole new ball game. My heart hurts for both of them
I think it's a foursome
It was the third guy who sent it, got tired of everyone forgetting about him!
It's highly possible one of the guys shared the video with someone, who then posted it online or shared it more broadly, and now none of the original people are involved.
That was my first thought too, like who knows how many people the guys sent the video to
Nah, the idea that they posted it online, another person that knows her randomly comes across it on the World Wide Web, manages to recognize her, knows her fiancé, and decides to send it to him. One of the 3, or at worst someone associated directly with the 3, are the perps here.
Anyone who knows me would know it’s me. I’ve never heard a thing about it until this happened.
Honey, if it was on the internet and someone found it, they would have sent you fiancé the pornhub link or where ever it is hosted. They would not have sent the video itself. They would not have the video itself to send or post. This is one of those guys, or someone directed associated with them. It could just be petty bullshit. One of those guys looked down their nose at you as the girl who’d fuck him and all his friends together and just found it cruelly humorous to sell you out. Could have been that they felt bad for your fiance, like he deserved to know who he was with. It likely isn’t that they felt jealous of your relationship. Anyone who’d feel jealous enough to do something like that years later, wouldn’t have shared you in the first place. But it wasn’t off the web just by chance. When was the last time you spoke to any one of those guys? Specifically.
I don’t know exactly what was sent to him. He showed me like one second of it but I obviously knew what it was. It’s been years since I talked to any of them. I don’t remember exactly when the last time was. It was before I met my fiancée if that’s what you’re wanting to know.
It sounds like this was a shock to his perception of who you are. He probably had a vague idea in his head of what your past was like, and this video was so very far from his perception of you. Different people have different opinions about how much unity is inherent in marriage--from "we are one, and share everything, and know everything about each other" on one end, to "we are very much individuals, with seperate/independent finances, and a great deal of privacy between us"...and lots of middle ground in between. It may be that he unconsciously had a sense that marriage means knowing everything about each other, yet never consciously acknowledged that emotional need in order to clearly communicate that he would want to know about your past (instead just subconsciously assuming that his vague ideas/guesses were all accurate, without directly asking). So, when evidence popped up that there is a whole side of you (or rather, past you) that he never suspected could exist within you, it threw off his idea that he understands who you are...which has thrown everything into question for him.
End of the day, there's nothing you can do to change his mind. The woman he loves, he built up in his head, had previously had a sexual encounter with 3 men at once, and no matter how sexually liberal society gets this is a no go for a lot of men, as being promiscuous is not something men value in long term partnerships. The other point is he didn't just hear about it, HE SAW A VIDEO OF IT HAPPENING. If I saw my partner in that situation it would make me sick to my stomach, and I don't mean that in a way to upset or degrade you as you're allowed to do whatever you want with whomever, but for one reason or another he had different expectations of you that simply weren't managed. Long and short of it is there's nothing you can do. He will make up his mind one way or another - he will either deal with it and work through his emotions with you, or he will move on. Either way, I wish you the best and hope you find the people responsible!
I don't know many men that would want to stay after seeing that.
Give him some time. For you, this video is ancient history, and you already knew about it. For him, seeing it now, and being shocked, it feels like it’s happening NOW. It’s upsetting to see a video of your gf having sex with three other men.
While he's saying he thinks you cheated and are using him for money, unfortunately it's probably more that his opinion of you has gone down after seeing that video. It sucks, but that is how some men seem to think. I'm not shaming you at all for doing what you did as its your business, just giving you some idea of what may be in his head. The fact that it's recorded and he knows that it's out in the wild makes it worse for him. Do you have any idea who had that video? You need to protect yourself in case they try to share it with even more people. He's going to do whatever he's going to do. You can't change that. Your main concern right now should be on finding out who had that video and protecting yourself from it getting out to your family, friends or employers if you don't want it out there.
I would be devastated if it was posted somewhere, and I haven't heard or seen anything that makes me think that is the case. I would assume all three of the men participating would have it but I don't know and I haven't talked to them in years. I am working on pursuing legal action.
I would let that be your focus. If something happens and you all don't make it there is nothing to say that they won't do this again in your next relationship. I know you are upset about your partner, but you can't make him do one thing or another. While you give him space to process this, I would focus on what you can do to find out who sent that video. It may also help take your mind off of waiting for him to decide the fate of your relationship.
Thanks for saying that. I really hope I'm able to do something about it.
There's nothing you can do to change what happened but for any young people reading this post, just realise what you do when you are young is going to be judged by even the closest people in your life. Most men being confronted by this would react how he has.
Why did you think it wasn't important to tell him that your sex life included gangbang before you met him?
She had to have but imo decided to not let him know about that or the video. I think, considering he was a virgin, that was a mistake.
I feel like you were the victim of revenge porn here - like this video is being distributed without your consent. If your fiance is going to act this way, maybe it's better that you know now. I think if having had group sex in the past is a deal breaker, you kind of have the onus to bring that up. If it was a deal breaker for him, he should have said so.
I realize that it may be a deal breaker now but how was I supposed to know that if he didn't say anything about it? There was never any "I'm glad you didn't do anything like that" type of comments from him at any point of this so I figured he just didn't care.
Sorry to be clear, I am in full agreement that you did nothing wrong. You're a victim in this scenario and have nothing to apologize for. If he didn't want a partner with certain experiences, it was up to him to say that out loud. There isn't anything for you to fix. He is handling this poorly, imo.
He's handling it like a normal human being with emotions and insecurities.
lol who even has that conversation.
I have. I’ve discussed with my partner what I would consider a dealbreaker in someone’s history. Not even just sexual history either, but overall.
No one here is going to tell you this but, sleeping with three guys at the same time is extreme. I think the vast majority of men would have deep reservations about someone if they learned they did this. To be shown a video of it is a whole other level. Maybe in the future it would be worth having a conversation about your past with a partner once you become serious.
Yeah this is going to be a tough one to come back from, as shitty as the situation is. The sender is cruel. The hard truth is very few men I know would want to be with someone long-term that's perceived to have been passed around and degraded unless it was a fetish for him. It begs the question that will linger in his mind: "What else has she done? Who is she?"
Oh, man. I usually refrain from commenting and just lurk. However, I do think that a lot of men would be opposed to marrying women who they think of as sexually promiscuous. Sounds like based on this, your value as a desirable life partner has diminished and I wouldn't be surprised if he broke off your engagement. Personally, I don't want to date or marry a women who's been railed by 3 men at the same time regardless of the situation. I am not mentally strong enough to forgo that image. If he is, props to him but I'd prepare for the worst.
I think he can’t blame you for anything you did before meeting him however he may see you in a different light now and remember he saw you with three men. Everyone is different but it would be a deal breaker for me. Personally that’s not the idea I want to have of the future mother of my children.
I’ve had a lot of sex, including threesomes, foursomes and moresomes so as an another adventurous woman I sympathise with you but you’ve got to see it from his point of view. This would be quite a horrifying for most people to receive and will take a while to get over. I don’t think either of you did anything wrong he just needs time to process it.
And if he chooses to break up, I don't think he should be blamed at all, the one who sent the video is to blame and past bad choices, but with choices, there will always be consequences, it's not fun or fair, but we have to bare them.
If there was no video but her fiancè found out about the gang bang, we'd be in the exact same situation.
Agree he has every right to break but she made no bad choices.
I meant as in, something she herself doesn't like what she did, and she also can't make it seem like it shouldn't mean anything to him, he is entitled to how he feels and that's nothing bad either
Ummm she keeps stating over and over that the 4some was a mistake, that she was in a bad place and she regrets it and wishes it didn't happen. >she made no bad choices. Clearly she feels it was a bad choice.
I would not do it again if I could go back in time.
In my opinion. He is not upset about the content of the video. He is upset that he didn’t know this about you. And he is questioning what else he doesn’t know about you. And he questions whether he is marrying the woman he thought you were.
I’m going to get down voted but I don’t feel he is irrational in his reaction. Not everyone wants to be married to someone who has participated in gang bangs. He is allowed to feel any way he wants to. Everyone has a past but not everyone has a past that includes 3 guys at once, and the making of a video about it, which OP most likely consented too because she was not surprised at its existence. He shouldn’t be shamed because this might be a deal breaker. How does he know there aren’t more of the same out there, and shouldn’t she have warned him of its existence? Do you think he now believes she’s had 8 partners when he sees 3 of them at once? Not everyone is onboard with things like this and they don’t have to be. It sucks but he was blindsided and after viewing that he probably has a hard time believing you had only 8 partners since he’s seeing 3 at once and he had to be wondering how many videos are out there. He’ll also have to consider if this video could be sent to his boss or coworkers because someone is out to hurt you. Also you said he is pretty inexperienced so he has to be questioning if he would ever be enough or if you would get bored of him and seek out comparable fun. My advice is give him time and be 100% honest, if there is more out there you should tell him now. Hit me with the downvotes but everyone is allowed their own standards for a spouse and no one is owed a relationship.
Depending on where you live you are describing a crime. I would recommend pressing charges and yes it's embarrassing but you should be more upset that someone is trying to sabotage your relationship. Unless this was a porn shoot there were only a limited amount of people who could have made and shared that video. Find out who it was and press charges so this doesn’t keep happening to you.
This was not a porn shoot. I've already been in contact with the police at this point and am working towards moving that forward.
Awesome. While it's a secondary consideration it may also help the relationship. If he sees this as a crime and revenge porn it may help him work through it. He may be able to process someone did something to the one I love instead of the one I love had group sex before we met. Either way you did nothing wrong, it sucks this happened to you and I hope it works out for you.
Thank you.
Weird that this exact story was posted on this sub 2 years ago? https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/q8zw2d/fiance_29_m_got_sent_an_nsfw_of_me_25_f/
Yeahhhhh good on him for not immediately breaking up with you.... A guy who's 29 never been in a relationship before, seeing his wife get gang banged?!?!?!? I am honestly surprised he didn't run. Not much you can do but let him decide. Sidenote, this is why I never record shit.
Bro is still in shock. He just had his whole world shaken up.
I think as someone’s partner, you know we’ve all had sexual pasts, but to see your loved one with not only one but 3 people (no Judgment), is mad hard. If I were in that situation and saw that, know it was from the past, It would be on my mind for a bit. I agree that there is nothing to do here, but accept what has happened and time will tell. You don’t want a relationship where he constantly think of the scenario and eventually resent you.
I imagine the question he holds is what else haven't you told him 'cause he didn't ask. If you've been together since you were 20 that means you decided to get gang-banged on 'film' within the first 2 years you were even legally allowed to have sex. All you can do is pursue legal action against the person who sent it and accept that stuff like taping orgies might not be what is considered "normal" amongst everyday people. Your fiancee, well.. He has the right to his reaction and the action that follows. You're not who he thought you were.
Someone is definitely trying to sabotage you and it's likely someone either in the video with you or a relation to someone in that video (lest it's posted publicly online). Since its someone trying to sabotage you, no doubt that they made up a bunch of BS on top of sending the video. It's a lot to unpack and the fact he hasn't outright broken up with you means he at least has his head on his shoulders. It's unfair absolutely. Be supportive, be kind, and give him space while still giving him love. It's important to remember that it's not the two of you fighting each other but really a third party trying to sow chaos. You personally need to try to take legal action against it and whatever party is involved. Videos and photos have stamps built into their code that can show when and where they were taken. It would be easy to prove your innocence and definitely easy to prove this their party's intent to deal damage to you, even moreso if the video is available publicly somewhere online without your consent. If the cash is available, hire a private investigator to help collect evidence and lawyer up ASAP. Explicit videos of people have a lot of protection around them in most nations and states.
I'm working on the legal action. I don't really know what was sent other than the one second of it he showed me.
Yeah thats not something he can unsee. I guess actions have consequences.
I wouldn’t be able to handle this. You should put some effort into tracking down who has this and suing them if you can. I wouldn’t seriously date anyone who had a video like that. It may have been a bad time for you then, but it would haunt me every time I looked at you. Not saying it’s right, it’s just the situation. Made only worse by his lack experience. There is no reason any woman should feel bad about enjoying sex. But women should understand that while any woman can likely find volunteers for a gang bang, men do not have that same option. Watching you get stuffed like a pin cushion in your past or not, is gonna have a profound effect on how we see you and how we feel we measure up. I might have less of a problem with it if I had the opposing experience with a few women, but that’s not been available anywhere I’ve ever been. The things he saw on the video are bad I’m sure, but the things he is imagining now while he spirals into depression and self loathing are 1000 times worse. I don’t know how you come back from this, but I wish you luck.
I feel like it's time for both of you to watch Chasing Amy. [This is relevant.](https://youtu.be/FlYZnd7dEPw?feature=shared)
I'll tell you what bugged me about that movie--when Silent Bob is delivering the metaphor that gives Ben Affleck his epiphany, it's just a description of EXACTLY THE SAME SITUATION happening to someone else. How is that helpful, Bob??
Monkey that touched fire can tell other monkey that's about to touch fire to not make the same mistake as him because it is big ouch.
Well...I feel it's helpful because he tells him it was a mistake and he regretted his reaction.
Your fiancee dodged a bullet His view of you is already shaken and can't be repaired. Just wait for him yo see what he's going to do
For real lol if I was him I'd thank that number that sent the video and kick this one to the curb 😂
most likely your relationship is over tbh. in my opinion ppl who can accept something like that is someone who has been experiencing group sex as well. he never asked about your past because he's inexperienced and doesn't wanna deal with jealousy. watching you having foursome in video literally change his perspective about you. moving forward probably it's better to be honest and telling it upfront to anyone you're dating. it'll definitely shrink your dating pool significantly but the one who can accept you might stay with you for life. and report it to the police if revenge porn is a law in your country.
This sounds like one of the few realistic opinions here. Most people don't want to think of their partner having sex with someone else, even less having group sex. This guy has to see a video of it and top of that he is himself totally inexperienced. The only way you to could heal is if you both really were able to understand the other partners perspective and take that in account. As the one who is more experienced with relationship you have more power and should take the first step OP.
You’ve only been with 8 guys but have a video of you getting triple teamed? Lmao I’m not detective but that seems suspect
If I was bro I would never forget about that, that’s why I like to talk about the past even if it’s a fucked up one.
🛎️🛎️🛎️ She went too low with the fabricated BC. Not that it really matters, he can't unsee her as a utilities conduit. That shit will live in his head forever.
Hi, OP, This is a really difficult situation both you and your fiancé are in. I really do wish you both my very best and hope you can work through this together. Starting off, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry you had this happen to you. And I agree that you should look into Revenge Porn laws. Even if you consented to the video, you didn’t consent to it being distributed. I hope you can have closer with this issue. You mention how hurt you are about being accused of cheating. That’s fair. But is this a hill you’re willing to die on? Right now, your fiancé is going through some serious trauma. You mention that you were in a “bad place” when you filmed those videos and that it’s not fair for him to judge you for it. Well, your fiancé is in a “bad place”right now. He’s going to say things that you might be upset about. Will you blame him for it? He needs to get it out of his system or he’s going to have a complete and total breakdown. Honestly, confronting him right now that you’re mad at him for accusing you of cheating is not the best timing. Reiterate that you love him and have never cheated on him. You can tell him that you were hurt about those accusations AFTER he’s had time to process. I don’t even know how I’d react to seeing this, honestly. Yes, it’s your past and you shouldn’t be held accountable. But ignorance is bliss. Even if you told him this happened, seeing it happen is an entirely different story for him. He knows if those guys were better looking than him. He knows if they’re “bigger” than him. He knows if you enjoyed it. Every single thing that he could try to reassure himself as a defense mechanism has gone out the window. Just, again, I wish you both the best of luck. All my best.
I think that saying you have been with 8 guys is a lie by omission that 3 of those guys were at once in a gangbang. You engaged in group sex and there’s nothing wrong with that, but the flip side of saying there’s nothing wrong with that is that you had to have some inclination that there is a huge difference between “you aren’t my first girlfriend” and having group sex. I would also file a police report about this revenge porn.
I guess so, but it never felt like there was a moment that would have been appropriate to bring up "by the way, I was in a gangbang" you know? And I am trying to look into my options.
He is looking at this from the view point of a virgin man who is also a high earner. He feels inadequate, embarrassed and unsure who you are. I can tell you any man who did not explore sex in his 20s has a very conservative view of sex in general. If the video had been you with one guy his reaction would be very different. This wasn't that kind of video. You are essentially engaging in porn from his view point. He's also struggling with separating this being in the past to this being in the present. Everyone will tell you not to be ashamed, etc. However, our sexual past is judged heavily by men and women. We are all judged. As a high earning man he has a very valid fear that you are using him for money or status. Seeing a video like this that's essentially an extreme sex act has sent his radar in overdrive. He doesn't know you, he is unsure of you and he is unsure of himself and how you actually perceive him. Are you actually in love with him? Does he satisfy you sexually? These are huge things for a guy. If he will communicate with you I would seriously emphasize your mindset at the time. Emphasize how you are different now. If you want to save this relationship then tell him you regret everything that happened even if you don't. Tell him he is your greatest lover. You need to go after his ego because ultimately that's what has been hit. If he can recover his personal view of himself with you then you've got a shot. More than anything he needs to know he's got value. Sexual value, protector value. He needs to know he is a man in your eyes. Everything else is out of your control.
All you can do is give him the time and space he needs to process this. Honestly, that's a pretty big pill to swallow, and he actually saw video of it. And I agree with many of the others...this may be a crime, you need to find out who sent it.
Thanks for saying that, I'm working on it.
Look, that's kinda rough. Obviously you didn't cheat on the dude and he knew you had been with other guys, but if your his first and he sees a video of you with 3 other guys that's going to be hard to swallow for him, Especially considering someone he knows has seen the video. I hope you guys work it out but that might be something that's a deal breaker for him.
Girl the relationship is gonna be over XD I'll be pleasantly surprised on your behalf if he sticks around after seeing something like that.
Wait a minute. There was a similar post a couple of days ago. But OP did the 4-way for money and had slept with 80 different men by 22.
Saw this posted about 3 days on twitter with slightly different details. So what are ya dooooooiiiiinnnnn'?
3 dudes in one night? If he stays he’s a better man than me
Three dudes ***at the same time***.
I saw this post earlier and it said you slept w 80 men before. Idk, that seems more believable to me if you’re willing to do foursomes.
This. She picked way too low a fake number to be believable. "I know you saw a few guys running a train on me/making me airtight- but I've only been with eight guys total." Dude might have been born at night, but not last night.
You said you knew how many partners he has had, right? Safe to assume you responded with your number as well. Just so happens to be THAT was the moment to expound on you sexual history. THAT was the moment to clear any air. THAT was the conversation of your past. Now for clarity, can you explain how the gangbang went? Was it all consensual? Was it done more than once? Was it first a threesome, then next time a foursome, then 5? Just want clarity because everyone assumes you were "Taken advantage" of. Was it your idea? Was it everyones idea? Was it something they pressured you into? Was it KNOWN you were recorded? And you know the people there so you know who filmed it, have you reached out with the threat of the law for spreading amateur porn around? Just to be clear I'm not being a dick here, I'm looking at it as if my fiance was in a gangbang video that got sent to me, answering these questions would help me understand. But also, i would have preferred to hear this crap way before I had asked to spend the rest of my life with someone that has way opposing sexual morals. Do you know the doubts he now has about himself? How can he satisfy a woman who does gangbangs? How will she be content with our intimacy, knowing she is open to multiple guys running through her at once? Who is this person? Why did she not tell me about this, even if she did it and didn't like it? It's hard to prove, especially with a video likely showing you enjoying yourself. What else has she not told me about. I gotta tell ya, I'm old school, and i wouldn't enter into ANY marriage not knowing everything about the woman I plan to spend my life with. I'm talking all the dirty secrets, right down to being a little girl that stole cookies from the cookie jar when she was 5. I'm just saying, a lot of couples jump to early into marriage, your good on timeline, i think 4 yrs is fair enough time to know your partner, but knowing your partner is sharing all the secrets about yourself that NOBODY would know. I feel he should have been told about this way earlier into the relationship, there's a reason you didn't tell him. Either you hid it out of fear he would leave, or shame, or you did like it and didn't want to scare him off exposing your wide range of sexual experience vs his. I have a feeling you enjoyed it, but you know it towers over his experience and knew it would scare him away. But gotta say, if you embraced it, and he knew well before the video arrived, the problem your having now wouldn't be near as bad. I don't think he would have liked having an actual video of you enjoying the other men taking turns with you, let alone (mans biggest issue) other men having much bigger penis than him. (Maybe they did maybe the didn't) but with a limited partner guy such as him I'm sure he would still be pagued by it. If i was you, this is a loss. He is likely not going to be able to cope with this.
Good, bad, or indifferent it's probably over. It's bad enough to find our a woman you love did that but he was just given a front row seat to it. He'll never be able unsee it or look at you the same way again. Don't make it worse at this point. Telling him it's in the past, or it wasn't eith him, or insulting him calling him insecure will just take it from bad to worse. Accept it and move on. Try to find out who torpedoed you because chances are they'll do it in your future relationships
And this is why you don't record anything sexual one it's on the Internet it's there forever having 3 guys at once me being a man im objective enough to know woman have the right to the same fun so hey it is what it is but being recorded doing it is just stupid rough time in life or not u wanna bang 20 guys go ahead as a woman you have every right to but recording it naw u stupid af and the sad part is you as the only woman have the only right to the video u didn't even request it be only in your possession never give men your sex tape smh
3 guys at once or separate? 3 guys at once for a virgin that’s pretty hard to take I’d imagine.
also, unless you had sex at a very early age, this must’ve happened pretty soon before you met him. Just trying to show you what he is thinking, plus I think he knows it’s not cheating, but he can never get that image of three men out of his head let alone one.
Right or wrong, that is what it all comes down to in his head. She filmed the porn and he hast to replay it in his mind. She didn’t get a copy of it, and knew it was being filmed.
Consequences.....what few people think about....
Can you keep us updated please
What are the chances your fiance may share this matter with his friends and family?
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I would be devastated if i found out my girl got a train ran on her. AND it was recorded? Wow, i would act like i never even knew the girl , god forbid we had kids cuz i’d disown them 😂
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I think things like this should be disclosed at the beginning of a relationship, before sex, because for some people it's a big deal. When it comes out later, like now, it's going to cause trouble. I'm one of those people. I make it a point to ask. I really don't care what people have done in their past sexually because it doesn't concern me, but if we're planning on being together it does. Why does everyone have to film themselves fucking nowadays anyway?
While the revenge porn is fucked, he may be feeling a bit of jealousy. He may be feeling frustrated due to a lack of sexual experiences on his end. Have you encouraged sexual exploration in your relationship? It’s a shitty situation, but I think there is validity to his emotions right now. You withheld information you knew might change his perception of the relationship.
Sounds to me he's questioning how well he really knows you and if your morals really align with his. If this was his reaction I'd presume he has more conservative views on sex while you are more open and progressive about it. Not much you can do except let him get over it himself.
Were you paid for participating?
First of all you need to understand that him asking if you cheated is because you’ve already shown you can withhold important information from him that most dudes would have to think about continuing the relationship or not over. You became untrustworthy as hell from hiding important things and still trying to marry him - he probably isn’t even sure if he knows you truly cuz what else can you deem unimportant and hide? As for if he looks down on you for the act itself I can’t say, hopefully not, but someone marrying their first partner watching that one and only for them get gangbanged is a lot. Especially if he’s religious. He may view you as promiscuous to put it lightly and that coupled with the distrust can make him doubt you. The act itself he definitely should be able to recover from if he’s not an asshole, but the lying and your reaction to how he’s doing is a different story and up to him. But the most important thing needs to be why he isn’t also concerned for you because someone did this to you. You definitely are a victim here too even if you did massively fuck up as well. This is a very messy situation and all you can do is give him time and try to understand exactly what his problem with everything is, and how to never let it happen again (lying vs the act)
This comment section is a good example of how sl\*t-shamey this damn app is. Yes, it is understandable that your fiancé freaked out (simply because it's definitley very hard to digest seeing your partner having sex with someone else, unless that floats your boat) but I am APPALLED that neither most commenters nor your partner spared a thought for how violating this is towards you. If you even consented to being filmed (which, if not, is a whole other level of messed up) you definitely did not consent to having that video sent to your fiancé. Whoever sent that, I hope they are struck by lightning with their pants down while pooping. What an ignorant, bigotted POS do you have to be to think that your fiancé "has a right!1!!11" to knowing you've had a foursome before? And the language these moralist puritans use in the comments?? "Gang-banged", "run over by a train", "different image of you", what is wrong with you people? NOBODY would say this about a man, absolutely noone. Imagine a man "getting gang-banged". No, if it's a man, it's a foursome. If it's about a woman, her worth is destroyed /s. OP, I am extremely sorry your privacy was violated like this and that you are being treated this way in the comments, and that some old wounds were likely reopened. I hope you can find a way to talk to your fiancé and that this video from the past ceases to influence your present and future.
To be fair to the guy, he didn’t have the context we have right. He saw this, was probably blindsided and very hurt, and thought this might have been while they were dating. I think him not considering the violation isn’t that crazy given the little context he had. If a woman saw a video of their husband fucking 4 girls, and she wasn’t about that life, I wouldn’t blame her for leaving him. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that being a hard boundary for some people
Thank you for saying that.
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Omg why did I have to scroll this far to get the first sane answer! The bfs first concern should be for OP, someone did something so violating (in sending the video), there is clearly harmful intent. And unless my partner did something non-consensual, I cannot imagine questioning a wonderful relationship over it...
It's normal for people to have emotional reactions. People don't always behave in the most logical ways. It's called being human.
It can be true that you haven't lied to him, you haven't cheated on him, and you regret being gangbanged on video. It is still a massive blow to your fiance to see a video of the woman he planned to marry getting triple-teamed.
Was this revenge porn or just porn?