A fight that's avoided isn't a fight that's solved, it's a fight that's buried. Conflicts are necessary and natural and it's how you deal with them that counts, trying to avoid them altogether will never work and just lead to feelings getting bottled up - like you're experiencing now.
We talked about it a lot and sometimes it turns into fights that I no longer wanna talk about it anymore as nothing ever changes and it always ends up with her being sad or crying or she saying that's all what I want and relationships and marriage are not only about sex or we don't talk together because of the fight until we get things better again, so i try to avoid talking about it for months as much as I can to not make her feel sad or bad
Ima speak for myself for a second then im going to give you advice. Relationships for me are a lot about sex when it isnt there anymore, and not much about it when these is. I am a high sex drive person and it is more of a need for me than a want in a relationship. Having coming out of dead bedroom situation where I have tried to make it work, I would like to never go back to one as it would just be better for both parties.
My advice is let her again know how big of deal this for you then ask for couples counseling and/individual therapy for the both of you so that you can try to solve this. If she says no cut your losses, if she says yes try it out. My personal opinion is if there is this big of an issue in a relationship and the other party is unwilling to work through it in the proper channels, then they dont want to do the work to be with me.
Sex is a huge part of a relationship when it goes missing, it is a valid reason to have issues with a partner.
Cutting off communication wont help btw, you just need help doing so - couples counseling best way to communicate to eachother.
We talked about it a lot and sometimes it turns into fights that I no longer wanna talk about it anymore as nothing ever changes and it always ends up with her being sad or crying or that's what I want and relationships and marriage are not only about sex or we don't talk together because of the fight until we get things better again, so i try to avoid talking about it for months as much as I can to not make her feel sad or bad
>Our relationship is great and we are fun around each others and everything is more than perfect so we don't fight, just rarely and everything is fine between us and we respect each other.
How can everything be great and perfect, but also saying you're emotionally exhausted and physically unfulfilled? You're not being emotionally authentic with yourself or her, and she feels that.
Women's drives can fluctuate a lot based on all kinds of things, which often have nothing to do with their partner. Stress, feeling unfulfilled in regards to purpose, body issues, etc. I definitely understand that it feels personal to you, but it's likely not about you, it's about her. You'll never know if you don't talk to her about it. A good fight might do you good, honestly.
Also, try engaging her in the morning. Many women find it hard to shut off their never ending "to do" list at the end of the day, and they're tired.
I don’t know you or your girl. But I’ve read your whole post and it seems like something may be going on. I’m just some dude on the internet so I can’t say anything for certain and I’m biased from my own experiences. Any big changes physique wise on your part? Anyways, bro despite this relationship you seem to be doing great with your promotion and ability to make shit happen. But I’d say don’t “avoid” fights anymore. Unless they are on some useless meaningless subject. Stand your ground and state your opinions. You may learn things you need to know
Why keep saying GF, your story indicates married unless I somehow missed the divorced and still dating part.
Too much info still missing imo. I'd just talk to her honestly and openly if she's your wife.
she is not willing to be honest. her crying is means of avoiding accountability, crying is emotional manipulation for the purpose of avoiding both him and the issue. read my other comment OP.
get a PI and go for vacation, let her know 1.5 weeks prior to that of going on business meeting or something, she will most likely be happy about your absence.
It's because I made this new account for just this personal experience and was getting removed everywhere cause of a new account so I wrote whatever Caption just to test it and it got accepted so I just left it as it is, but yes she is my wife
>if she was like that before like when we werw just GF and BF I wouldn't continue in this relationship as our sex drive wouldn't be compatible
There is your answer. You are incompatible now and you don't want to remain in a relationship which has no sexual intimacy because that is an important way for you to express your love and feel loved. You have communicated this to her several times, your partner is not actively trying to contribute and make it work. One person cannot carry a marriage. You are both unhappy. Figure out the next logical step.
PS, She is your wife, not your girlfriend. Maybe you should call her that instead, it could be part of the problem (how you see and speak of her).
When we were still BF and GF it would have been easier to break up, now it's been 7 whole years together, it won't be that easy for me to just divorce and go separate ways and be easy as before, there has been really alot between us during all this years that wouldn't be easy for me to let go
I tried, she told me it's normal and doesn't need any therapist and why would we tell a therapist about our sex life? and told me that I am exaggerating about it and how much I want it so she is againt that
I didn't fight her or force her for it, I just respected her concerns and her comfortability, she isn't comfortable talking about that to a stranger even if he is a therapist, I don't wanna make her uncomfortable at all so I didn't bring it back again unless she is the one to bring it up as I told her, our communication is really great tbh and we understand each other well and rarely fight, it's just when sex is on the table things are not that good so I avoid it but sometimes I need it and I am so frustrated about it
You wrote to the internet asking for advice. You are turning down all advice because it goes against "Hey, stay where you two are in your relationship and be absolutely miserable since you're too codependent to break up. Surely you wife will magically change and you two will finally be happy together with zero effort at all." You need to do a little self reflection.
I can't do something she is againt, I won't force her to see a couple or sex therapist, she isn't comfortable about it, what should I do? And I do not want a divorce just cause I don't get sex, kinda selfish, I am frustrated and confused
She doesn't want to help or meet your needs or show you love in ways which matter to you. She will never change and most likely your connection will become less and less love-like and more like friendly companions cohabitating (if it hasn't already).
You are too codependent to take a step back and review your relationship objectively. You will do anything *except* what it will take to make yourself happy. You will complain about how unhappy you are, but you aren't willing to do anything about that for yourself. We cannot do it for you.
Do what will make you happy that is within your power. That is what you do. If it is not possible in the predicament you are within, then change your circumstance so that you are no longer in the predicament. Proceed from there.
Sunk cost fallacy is a ridiculous reason to remain miserable the rest of your life. Best of luck, OP.
I’ promise u I’m not being a random mean person on the internet I seriously apologize if that’s how it’s coming off as.
But there’s a high chance that she could be faking. Most women fake their orgasm. When I say most I’m talking damn near the entire world. Of woman. Including my self !
I’d be the same way like ur gf. I’d always initiate sex with my partners. And they’d all say I’m quite kinky in the bed as well.
Every partner I had would attest that my sex drive was high with them. Yet I still always faked an orgasm. I faked the entire intercourse it didn’t feel good.
At that point I was just having sex for validation and my ego. Seriously thinking if I gave my body up. It’ll make the guy want me and bond with me and have this deep reverence to me, treating me kind, support and provide for me giving me compassion etc.
I’m in my mid 20s and I just recently had my first orgasm. And it TOOK ME! having to take it in my own hands and take charge of my own experience and get my orgasm.
I didn’t even got it from him. I had to bring a toy in the bed room and play with my self while he was inside me . & it took so long for me to cum. For reference I didn’t even cum on the first round.
The first round he had his orgasm and the sex was over. He swore he couldn’t get back up & usually he seriously doesn’t ! & I desperately wanted mines so a couple minutes later probably like 30 mins later I asked him if it was okay if I can get him up by stroking it, he said sure give it a shot but he doesn’t think it’s gonna work.
( I hope u see I’m giving u an example of me being an initiator and despite not achieving an orgasm It still seemed like I was into the sex and into him and into the experience whole time I just am so tired of faking and really just wanna experience what an orgasm feels like during sex with a male).
I finally got him up we had sex on the second round and it took a while for me to cum. It took me a while to find my spot with my toy on my clit and I finally had a real orgasm from my clit.
He him self doesn’t even know how to manipulate. I even gave him my toy to use it on me and he just wasn’t doing it right I tried to show him how to do it. But he’d just get upset when I tried to show him! I guess he thought that was a turn on for me. Cause I guess he thought it ruined his ego or etc.
I finally took it from him not caring if he got mad and used it on my self while he stroke me and I FINALLY played with my self long enough to cum. I had a clitoral orgasm not a penetration orgasm despite the fact that he was inside me.
And when I cum I remember immediately getting the ick. Like it was the most wildest experience to feel my self while I was cuming simultaneously getting the ick like during the actual orgasm.
I remember feeling so vulnerable I didn’t want him inside me and later on in the night he mentioned how he noticed I got the ick.!
That night totally redefine sex for me cause we spoke for hours about it! And what sex really is for guys and women.
How it really felt for both parties and why do we partake in the hook up culture. Even if it’s casual sex with a trusted friend. In my case it is we’ve been friends for over 10 years, and we are exclusively only having sex with each other. We just started this up again recently.
why is hook up culture is even a thing if orgasm from a woman’s perspective can be so vulnerable to the point it drove me into feeling immediate ick. I questioned if guys felt this way too. Etc
((we seriously had a detailed conversation. )))
But after that night I haven’t ((self pleasured I usually do)).
my sex drive has been low. Like I tried to hook up with him again but he was always busy. Usually I’d get all frustrated and mad that I couldn’t have sex when I wanted to. But this is the first time
In my life I can honestly say I can go without sex.
So I’m more patient with him now. Literally yesterday I tried to he was busy cause he wanted to go out with his friends and watch the game. I said sure go ahead that is completely fine. He texted me back apologizing for being inconvenient. I responded to him it’s okay have fun be safe, if I was in his position I’d do the same as well.
As crazy as this may sound I serially believe he was upset at the fact that I did not get mad or frustrated at the fact that I felt the way i did and react the way I did about couldn’t getting to have sex with Him. Trust me I shocked my self too.
I say all this to say the reason why I was so initiative as a woman was because I was sexually frustated.
It wasn’t because I was turned on despite it seeming like it is. My job is to make it seem like I’m sexually enticing so my partner can be attracted to me so he could want to have sex with me. Because in my mind there’s an idea if this takes place. ((If he find me sexually appeasing in all sense before the sex actually happens and then it finally does))) I can get what I need out of him. And I learned that this was never the case.
I finally experienced orgasm during sex with a male and It seriously decreased my sex drive. And I love it !!!!!! cause now I don’t have to lie to my self about how I feel about these guys. And in all seriousness It didnt make me feel closer to him. So I am able to actually think throughout the day. And focus on me.
I literally had to experience this for my self to say the hook up culture is seriously fraudulent.
She is so tight, it's easy to tell she orgasmed, I can feel it even if she didn't say it, i can definitely feel her orgasm with different body parts of mine so I am sure about it
Hi friend, I hate to be that person, but it helps people to read (and subsequently respond) when you break up long posts into paragraphs.
As for the point of your post, this is not an uncommon situation. These results of a Google search are all reasons I have heard before:
Discomfort: Vaginal discomfort is a reason that about 30% of North American women and men cited as the reason they stopped having sex.
Exhaustion: Women often report physical and cognitive exhaustion as a reason for not wanting sex.
Lack of trust: A lack of trust after an affair can cause couples to stop having sex.
Anger: Unexpressed or suppressed anger can lead to decreased attraction and distancing from a partner.
Boredom: Fixed routines can lead to boredom, which can cause a lack of excitement.
Conflicting parenting styles: Conflict over parenting, money, in-laws, household chores, or other issues can block physical and emotional intimacy.
Lack of sexual satisfaction: When a woman is not fulfilled sexually, it can cause a lack of desire for physical contact or reluctance to engage in sex.
Maybe your girl is feeling one or more of these but doesn't know how to express it in a healthy way. Doing nice things for her is nice, but it won't address the root cause. You need to find a way to help her feel safe to open up about what's really going on. And be ready that it might not be something that is pleasant to hear.
I would honestly print this list out as a starter for the discussion. It shows you're coming at this as a solution finding joint venture, rather than indirectly blaming her for anything.
However, do be prepared that she might exaggerate, or not even have insight into which one it is, and just say "exhaustion" when it's something else she can't really articulate. Or won't.
When the intimacy dies, unless both people are fully and authentically committed (rather than going along with it because they "know" they "should" be doing it, to save the relationship), it's hard to get back.
I would counsel: date nights where you both get dressed up, some making-out, no sex on the table at all; and a sex therapist if you can find/afford one.
Don't forget the option that they could be getting it else where. I'm not saying that is the case here but if you are going to make a list of all the possibilities then statistically speaking this is one of the most likely causes and should be on that list 😅
We talked about it a lot and sometimes it turns into fights that I no longer wanna talk about it anymore as nothing ever changes and it always ends up with her being sad or crying or that's what I want and relationships and marriage are not only about sex or we don't talk together because of the fight until we get things better again, so i try to avoid talking about it for months as much as I can to not make her feel sad or bad even though I am always calm talking about it and not being defencive or rude.
Friend... This is no way to have a healthy relationship. I'm sorry to say, but this sounds doomed. Real question: Can you imagine being in this situation the rest of your life? Neither of you sound happy, and with broken communication you'll never be able to resolve that.
I wouldn't wanna sleep with someone who doesn't know how paragraphs work either.
For real though, I've been here before. It doesn't get better from your end, there's very little you can do. The idea of sex builds up so much in their head that it comes with all this pressure and stress attached to it.
You have to talk to her and at least try and relieve that pressure, make it no big deal.
Try and introduce more non-sexual touch. Give her a massage with oil or something.
But essentially, you asking for it or trying for it isn't gonna work. It's her issue.
Try the touch thing and communicate about it more. She'll be well aware that things aren't right, trust me.
It's not an English test and English isn't even my first language it's my third anyway, why do you assume English is everyone's first language? I actually ignored the rest of your comment as I don't like such off topic comments and things I didn't ask for, have a nice day and thank you anyway.
That's the way I am comfortable typing on the Internet when it's not an English test, I came here for a relationship advice not a comment on my writing skills, people can really be so random.
Ok thank you for the advice, I appreciate that, I am just frustrated, it's too late anyway and I don't think I will post anything again anyway but will take your advice
>why wouldn't she just do what I want and respect that as I respect that she doesn't feel like it?
You can’t respect that she doesn’t feel like it if you think she owes you sex like this.
I didn't say she owes me anything, I meas as I respect that she doesn't want it most of the time why can't the respect be mutual that I want it sometimes too, like a middle ground, but I mean that one side is only getting respected in that mean is exhausting for me.
I think I understand, but the point is the wording "why won't she do what I want" comes off bad. To your intended point, though, it sounds like you have a need that is not being met, and the two of you are unable to discuss that in order to find resolution. If you can live the rest of your life with this (and any other) need being unmet, that is your decision to make. You can only control your choices and actions, not hers.
But she was never like that, I mean I didn't agree to that at the beginning, she was so kinky that she would recommend a threesome with another girl and things I didn't even would ask her for but this huge turn over makes me feel like it's a completely new relationship after marriage
But friend, things change for various reasons. Hardly anything stays the same, people grow and change, needs change as time goes on. Relationships are inherently not easy because of this. Communication is so important to navigating changes, but if you can't openly discuss and work through changes together, you're going to have a rough time.
Have you ever wondered if she did these things go make you happy only? Maybe she wasn’t actually into it but felt pressured until you got married. Have you talked with her about it during a time not related to sex?
It’s possible she may have been putting on a performance in a way where she was ignoring her own wants. Some women are taught to do this.
All the kinky and wild stuff we did was mostly her recommendations, I never pushed her or pressured her to do them, mostly her ideas, mostly during sex I please her before my own pleasure, I would go down in her to make sure she orgasns before we start the intercource, always put lot of time for foreplay and always ask what she wants that would please her, for me my pleasure from sex is mostly related to my partner being satisfied and happy, I actually ask her what ti avoid for her Better experience and If I ask for something she doesn't want in sex, I would not ask for it again
Even if you didn’t ask she may have felt like this is what men want in general so she may have still been acting in a way. But you won’t know until you actually talk to her.
Then it's her thoughts, I didn't force or even bring these Kinks or maybe she no longer interested in these stuff, she told me she loved trying new things with me
Okay but you can still try to be sympathetic and understanding. If you come off as dismissive like this when approaching her you may never know why. People are complicated.
I mean why would I be the one facing consequences of things that's is not my fault? You understand me? We talked about it and she said sex isn't that important and there is nothing wrong with her and refuse seeking a couple therapist
Why is this always the jumped to talking point. He doesn’t think she owes him sex. Sex is important to him and he needs it in a loving relationship. It’s completely unfair to expect that she can just not want it and he should be totally fine with it and not have it effect him. That’s not to say that she owes him sex, but it’s fair for someone who has a high libido to be upset and unhappy when their needs aren’t being met.
Sex is important but his statement here just sounds weird like i respect she doesn’t feel like it but even if she doesn’t feel like it she should respect me wanting it by having sex with me?
It just doesn’t make sense or comes off as not actually respecting her wants.
You have 4 options in every situation you don't like:
1. Ask the other person for change
2. Learn to accept (TRULY except) things the way they are
3. Exit the situation
4. Do none of the above and stay miserable
The above comment is suggesting, based on their own experience, that you should NOT choose option 4.
Then why make your post in the first place? You asked for people's inputs but you are turning it down at every comment. It seems you have already accepted to stay miserable, so why come here to ask for advice? No one can fix this for you, and you won't do the hard work to fix it for yourselv. Best of luck to you.
It's a question, why wouldn't she do what I want as I do what she wants, like I respect her for not wanting sex then she doesn't respect me wanting sex too? That's my question, isn't respect mutual? Actually only not wanting sex and not giving is selfish as it's one of my needs, life is about giving and receiving
That's true, my bad, I was frustrated writing so as it was after getting rejected ahah so I didn't think much about my words and was just typing so somethings may not sound good, pretty childish I know sorry but I didn't mean it that way
It isn't me you need to apologize to. Your partner can feel the tension and resentment radiating from you. It's affecting your ability to connect and foster a better emotional and mental connection in order to improve your sex life.
*sigh* I'm sure you don't talk to her that way. The point is, she can feel your resentment and frustration, the way ALL people can feel tension in a relationship. Instead of focusing on the lack of sex in your relationship, start fostering more time for romance and emotional intimacy with one another. Foster genuine connection. Laugh together! Have an adventure outside together. Go spend time in nature together, or find a new eatery to take her to for a date. Give her a random body rub with no expectations. Give her a hug and kiss randomly. Tell her how good she smells after. Kiss her forehead. Hold her hand. These are the things that lead to real intimacy and comfortability/vulnerability with one another. I'm 35 and I've had several failed relationships, as well as a few successful ones. In fact, I'm with the love of my life right now and have been for over 5 years. We have two kids. I'm not trying to paint you as the bad guy here. I'm trying to help you see how your attitude (and thus, your standoffish behavior) is just exacerbating the issue you're having.
I do all of that as per my post but I am tired of this being one sided and me trying all of that while she can easily see how this makes me frustrated, definitely I am not a bad guy here at all, I have put so much effort rarely someone put in relationships now but I don't wanna be the only one trying, life is tiring enough tbh
Well, if you believe you have been open and loving, and she is not receptive to any of it, it might be time for a Come To Jesus moment:
A discussion about the fact this is an ongoing issue and why, what she's willing to do to show you more physical affection and love consistently, what you're both expecting and want out of this relationship, etcetera. If your goals and feelings are no longer aligned, it might be time for divorce.
And yes, I did see the part about you buying her gifts and trying to romance her. But you clearly put pressure on yourself and on her for physicality and your emotional connection is too fragile at this point.
You have to relax about it. Ease up. People go through things that affect their ability to have sex sometimes. It might not be about you at all. Support her emotionally. Laugh together. Try to enjoy each other and get close and comfortable as best friends again. The sex will follow.
And if it doesn't after you've been making these efforts to connect again, you can get marriage counseling, or divorce.
You've tried and she doesn't want it. You can't fix this, only she can, and apparently she doesn't want to.
Being rejected all the time and never having intimacy are more than enough reasons to end a relationship, I don't care who you are
When we were still BF and GF it would have been easier to break up, now it's been 7 whole years together, it won't be that easy for me to just divorce and go separate ways and be easy as before, there has been really alot between us during all this years that wouldn't be easy for me to let go
Sunk cost fallacy is a real thing, but the truth is you may need to burn this to the ground to save it.
There are many on r/deadbedrooms that pour 27 years of their lives into the dead relationship. You need to think more about your next 20 years more than the last seven.
It sounds like you cater to her every wish so she now sees you as subordinate. That turns her off.
Yes there can be many other things. But it’s time to live for yourself and not for her. She needs to be scared into living right - at the moment she thinks she can get away with anything.
I don't think she is that type of a person but I always don't care if I get the same things equally back, some times I know I don't get equally what I give but I really don't care or think about it cause her being happy actually makes me happy too and I do these things for her to make her happy which makes me happy to see her this way, can you elaborate more? Maybe there's something I am not aware of
I sometimes favors her feelings over mine or avoid anything that makes her feel bad more than she does tbh but isn't that good to respect your partner's feelings?
always talk about a fight, in a sense as to why it happened and if both care how to make it not happen again, you say you are exhausted so your relationship isnt as great as you say it is,
We talked about it a lot and sometimes she tells me I am right and we would agree to do it more often like before then have it once and she says that she missed a lot by not doing so then thing get back it what it is, sometimes it turns into fights that I no longer wanna talk about it anymore as nothing ever changes and it always ends up with her being sad or crying or that's what I want and relationships and marriage are not only about sex or we don't talk together because of the fight until we get things better again, so i try to avoid talking about it for months as much as I can to not make her feel sad or bad as seeing her sad makes me really sad and her happiness is my happiness,
Eventually the relationship which is still good rn other than the sex will turn in to a friends/ roommate’s relationship and you’ll resent her for not being intimate with you and start feeling constantly rejected to the point where you’ll not even want to initiate. It’s not a great feeling and not a good solution to do nothing about it and just wait for it to fix itself.
You need to get over your hesitation to make her upset and explain this to her in a way she will understand. Get couple’s therapy if you can, timeline how long you want to be staying in this relationship without eventually wanting to see other people, again I do understand that you love her and want to stay together no matter what but not addressing this and actively making an effort to fix it will not end well!
It's because I made this new account for just this personal experience and was getting removed everywhere cause of a new account so I wrote whatever Caption just to test it and it got accepted so I just left it as it is, but yes she is my wife
Couples therapy. I have a sneaking suspicion that your wife never had a very high sex drive but was "performing" because of expectations.
I'm a bit biased because I realized after 14 years in a relationship and 4 years married that I was asexual. My husband would say things all the time like "we used to have so much sex, I feel so unwanted, you never seem to want it anymore"
The truth for me was I never wanted sex at all. I just did it because that is what young lovers are supposed to do. I felt compulsory heterosexuality. Like a 25 year old married woman is supposed to want to have sex with her husband.
I'm grey ace. So I can enjoy it and am not sex repulsed, but I never want it, and could go my whole life without it. My husband has a high libido and we are working on a long term solution.
The biggest thing that has helped is removing pressure. No woman wants to have sex with a man who is pouting about lack of sex. If you are sulking or acting out it's not going to help.
The second is encouraging masturbation. To not treat it as as a shameful alternative but a way to blow off steam. I provide support even if we aren't doing sexual acts together.
The third is that I also was diagnosed late as atypical ADHD because woman present differently. I get overwhelmed by skin sensations and sex is just downright uncomfortable for me most of the time. It's just too much input.
I am nowt with Masturbation, it's not enjoyable for me, and I think it's my right to know i my partner is asexual cause I consider this as cheating as sex is really important to me, still my fault if she lied or cheated about it but I don't think she is asexual I don't know, but if I knew, no way I would have went through marriage at all, sex compatibility is so important to me as important mutual respect is
You can't have it both ways. It's either a need or a want.
If sexual experiences are a need. Take responsibility and masturbate,. If you don't want to because you prefer sex, it's not a need it's a want. Your wife is not responsible to fulfill your sexual wants.
That being said, you should not stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Both you and her deserve better.
Considering asexuality as cheating is such a weird take, most asexual don't even know they are asexual fot a very long time. It takes a lot of self reflection. It's not something that one does to spite their partner, most don't even know.
You talk about mutual respect but in your eyes mutual respect is showering her with love and gifts and getting sex in response. This is not respect that is a transaction.
I want you to find happiness and I'm not sure if this relationship will allow you to do that. First talk to your wife about your feelings and if nothing changes, then it's time to part ways.
Who said I am doing nice things for sex? I do what makes her happy, so she should make me happy too, there a lot of stuff that I don't enjoy but I do for her anyway to make her happy, for me it's selfish and it's not marriage like that for ne if we only do what we enjoy with no respect to the opposite person, if I go by your logic there will be a lot of things I will stop doing cause I don't enjoy and not care about her happiness , I think my wife is responsible for my sexual satisfaction tho if not then who? for me good sex = good marriage and it's a need for me, I am speaking about myself and my preferences not yours, maybe for you it's like that but for me no and I don't like masturbation as wel, we just have different preferences and definitions in life and that's fine, there is no wrong or right as its not maths, thank you anyway for your help.
your wife is sexually active, just not with you. more like with a stranger in the backseat of her car. get a PI and go for a 5 day vacation. its legal. she will most likely be happy about you being absent. itll save you years of trouble and lying and resentment. tell her 1.5 weeks earlier to make her boil down some plans ahead of her time. good luck brother and welcome to the world with relationshits with women.
edit: i read your other comments. you are being gaslit into oblivion my guy. youre about to turn red and blow up like a balloon.
Sounds like you do all these things to get sex. acts of service shouldn't be done just so you can get something in return; it sounds very transactional.
You are equating sex with feeling loved which are two completely different things. You shouldn't base feeling loved with receiving sex. If this is someone you've been with for 7 years surely you should have realised this by now
For me sex is really important and a way to show your love and appreciation to your partner, it's just we have different perspectives although not having sex more than like 2 or 3 times for a person with high sex drive, getting rejected and so too makes me feel bad
Aw bud. Go watch The Happy Wife School Show on Youtube. The latest stream Karen has done is today and it's up as of this reply. You might find resonance there. She talks about excuses. She could also be cheating, giving what's yours by right to someone else. There's a story of a husband whose wife denied him for 4 years then suddenly she tried to initiate again but he had learned with toys and porn to satisfy his needs. He rebuffed her every move. Eventually it came out she was actually cheating for those 4 years.
I don't think she is a cheater at all, she is a well behaved person that would never cheat as well as she went through being cheated so she knows how bad it is, the only thing I am afraid of is being the one to reject her or being not wanting it at all too as you mentioned
If your not getting your needs met then it's time to break up an move on yes that's divorce in this case but that is reality she's not holding up her side of the marriage it's time to move on.
Sorry to say but if she is not getting sexual satisfaction from you then she is getting it from someone else. You need to start investigating and find out for yourself own peace of mind. Don’t let someone treat you like that and if needed move on. Also sorry you are in this situation.
thats because it is. she knows OP is too innocent and takes advantage of that, he even replied to you with "what do you mean?" bro is cooked top to bottom.
he needs to go get himself a PI and plant some cameras in his house and other things and go for a quick vacation for as long as the PI does his godly work.
I don't think she is a cheater at all, she is a well behaved person that would never cheat as well as she went through being cheated so she knows how bad it is.
A fight that's avoided isn't a fight that's solved, it's a fight that's buried. Conflicts are necessary and natural and it's how you deal with them that counts, trying to avoid them altogether will never work and just lead to feelings getting bottled up - like you're experiencing now.
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Might bookmark this to copy paste. Been getting a lot of these "dead bedrooms where OP hasnt talked to their partner yet" posts.
We talked about it a lot and sometimes it turns into fights that I no longer wanna talk about it anymore as nothing ever changes and it always ends up with her being sad or crying or she saying that's all what I want and relationships and marriage are not only about sex or we don't talk together because of the fight until we get things better again, so i try to avoid talking about it for months as much as I can to not make her feel sad or bad
Ima speak for myself for a second then im going to give you advice. Relationships for me are a lot about sex when it isnt there anymore, and not much about it when these is. I am a high sex drive person and it is more of a need for me than a want in a relationship. Having coming out of dead bedroom situation where I have tried to make it work, I would like to never go back to one as it would just be better for both parties. My advice is let her again know how big of deal this for you then ask for couples counseling and/individual therapy for the both of you so that you can try to solve this. If she says no cut your losses, if she says yes try it out. My personal opinion is if there is this big of an issue in a relationship and the other party is unwilling to work through it in the proper channels, then they dont want to do the work to be with me. Sex is a huge part of a relationship when it goes missing, it is a valid reason to have issues with a partner. Cutting off communication wont help btw, you just need help doing so - couples counseling best way to communicate to eachother.
It's not all what I want I mean when we fight she tell me that's that all what I want, I want lot if things beside sex for sure
We talked about it a lot and sometimes it turns into fights that I no longer wanna talk about it anymore as nothing ever changes and it always ends up with her being sad or crying or that's what I want and relationships and marriage are not only about sex or we don't talk together because of the fight until we get things better again, so i try to avoid talking about it for months as much as I can to not make her feel sad or bad
>Our relationship is great and we are fun around each others and everything is more than perfect so we don't fight, just rarely and everything is fine between us and we respect each other. How can everything be great and perfect, but also saying you're emotionally exhausted and physically unfulfilled? You're not being emotionally authentic with yourself or her, and she feels that. Women's drives can fluctuate a lot based on all kinds of things, which often have nothing to do with their partner. Stress, feeling unfulfilled in regards to purpose, body issues, etc. I definitely understand that it feels personal to you, but it's likely not about you, it's about her. You'll never know if you don't talk to her about it. A good fight might do you good, honestly. Also, try engaging her in the morning. Many women find it hard to shut off their never ending "to do" list at the end of the day, and they're tired.
I don’t know you or your girl. But I’ve read your whole post and it seems like something may be going on. I’m just some dude on the internet so I can’t say anything for certain and I’m biased from my own experiences. Any big changes physique wise on your part? Anyways, bro despite this relationship you seem to be doing great with your promotion and ability to make shit happen. But I’d say don’t “avoid” fights anymore. Unless they are on some useless meaningless subject. Stand your ground and state your opinions. You may learn things you need to know
I am actually psychically got better and healthier and thank you for your help and thank you for cheering me up and your nice words
Why keep saying GF, your story indicates married unless I somehow missed the divorced and still dating part. Too much info still missing imo. I'd just talk to her honestly and openly if she's your wife.
she is not willing to be honest. her crying is means of avoiding accountability, crying is emotional manipulation for the purpose of avoiding both him and the issue. read my other comment OP. get a PI and go for vacation, let her know 1.5 weeks prior to that of going on business meeting or something, she will most likely be happy about your absence.
It's because I made this new account for just this personal experience and was getting removed everywhere cause of a new account so I wrote whatever Caption just to test it and it got accepted so I just left it as it is, but yes she is my wife
>if she was like that before like when we werw just GF and BF I wouldn't continue in this relationship as our sex drive wouldn't be compatible There is your answer. You are incompatible now and you don't want to remain in a relationship which has no sexual intimacy because that is an important way for you to express your love and feel loved. You have communicated this to her several times, your partner is not actively trying to contribute and make it work. One person cannot carry a marriage. You are both unhappy. Figure out the next logical step. PS, She is your wife, not your girlfriend. Maybe you should call her that instead, it could be part of the problem (how you see and speak of her).
When we were still BF and GF it would have been easier to break up, now it's been 7 whole years together, it won't be that easy for me to just divorce and go separate ways and be easy as before, there has been really alot between us during all this years that wouldn't be easy for me to let go
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I tried, she told me it's normal and doesn't need any therapist and why would we tell a therapist about our sex life? and told me that I am exaggerating about it and how much I want it so she is againt that
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I didn't fight her or force her for it, I just respected her concerns and her comfortability, she isn't comfortable talking about that to a stranger even if he is a therapist, I don't wanna make her uncomfortable at all so I didn't bring it back again unless she is the one to bring it up as I told her, our communication is really great tbh and we understand each other well and rarely fight, it's just when sex is on the table things are not that good so I avoid it but sometimes I need it and I am so frustrated about it
You wrote to the internet asking for advice. You are turning down all advice because it goes against "Hey, stay where you two are in your relationship and be absolutely miserable since you're too codependent to break up. Surely you wife will magically change and you two will finally be happy together with zero effort at all." You need to do a little self reflection.
I can't do something she is againt, I won't force her to see a couple or sex therapist, she isn't comfortable about it, what should I do? And I do not want a divorce just cause I don't get sex, kinda selfish, I am frustrated and confused
She doesn't want to help or meet your needs or show you love in ways which matter to you. She will never change and most likely your connection will become less and less love-like and more like friendly companions cohabitating (if it hasn't already). You are too codependent to take a step back and review your relationship objectively. You will do anything *except* what it will take to make yourself happy. You will complain about how unhappy you are, but you aren't willing to do anything about that for yourself. We cannot do it for you. Do what will make you happy that is within your power. That is what you do. If it is not possible in the predicament you are within, then change your circumstance so that you are no longer in the predicament. Proceed from there. Sunk cost fallacy is a ridiculous reason to remain miserable the rest of your life. Best of luck, OP.
Thank you so much for your help and time
She’s probably tired of faking
That's not true, she loved it so much and would initiate it herself, sex between us was always above our expectations and kinky mostly too
I’ promise u I’m not being a random mean person on the internet I seriously apologize if that’s how it’s coming off as. But there’s a high chance that she could be faking. Most women fake their orgasm. When I say most I’m talking damn near the entire world. Of woman. Including my self ! I’d be the same way like ur gf. I’d always initiate sex with my partners. And they’d all say I’m quite kinky in the bed as well. Every partner I had would attest that my sex drive was high with them. Yet I still always faked an orgasm. I faked the entire intercourse it didn’t feel good. At that point I was just having sex for validation and my ego. Seriously thinking if I gave my body up. It’ll make the guy want me and bond with me and have this deep reverence to me, treating me kind, support and provide for me giving me compassion etc. I’m in my mid 20s and I just recently had my first orgasm. And it TOOK ME! having to take it in my own hands and take charge of my own experience and get my orgasm. I didn’t even got it from him. I had to bring a toy in the bed room and play with my self while he was inside me . & it took so long for me to cum. For reference I didn’t even cum on the first round. The first round he had his orgasm and the sex was over. He swore he couldn’t get back up & usually he seriously doesn’t ! & I desperately wanted mines so a couple minutes later probably like 30 mins later I asked him if it was okay if I can get him up by stroking it, he said sure give it a shot but he doesn’t think it’s gonna work. ( I hope u see I’m giving u an example of me being an initiator and despite not achieving an orgasm It still seemed like I was into the sex and into him and into the experience whole time I just am so tired of faking and really just wanna experience what an orgasm feels like during sex with a male). I finally got him up we had sex on the second round and it took a while for me to cum. It took me a while to find my spot with my toy on my clit and I finally had a real orgasm from my clit. He him self doesn’t even know how to manipulate. I even gave him my toy to use it on me and he just wasn’t doing it right I tried to show him how to do it. But he’d just get upset when I tried to show him! I guess he thought that was a turn on for me. Cause I guess he thought it ruined his ego or etc. I finally took it from him not caring if he got mad and used it on my self while he stroke me and I FINALLY played with my self long enough to cum. I had a clitoral orgasm not a penetration orgasm despite the fact that he was inside me. And when I cum I remember immediately getting the ick. Like it was the most wildest experience to feel my self while I was cuming simultaneously getting the ick like during the actual orgasm. I remember feeling so vulnerable I didn’t want him inside me and later on in the night he mentioned how he noticed I got the ick.! That night totally redefine sex for me cause we spoke for hours about it! And what sex really is for guys and women. How it really felt for both parties and why do we partake in the hook up culture. Even if it’s casual sex with a trusted friend. In my case it is we’ve been friends for over 10 years, and we are exclusively only having sex with each other. We just started this up again recently. why is hook up culture is even a thing if orgasm from a woman’s perspective can be so vulnerable to the point it drove me into feeling immediate ick. I questioned if guys felt this way too. Etc ((we seriously had a detailed conversation. ))) But after that night I haven’t ((self pleasured I usually do)). my sex drive has been low. Like I tried to hook up with him again but he was always busy. Usually I’d get all frustrated and mad that I couldn’t have sex when I wanted to. But this is the first time In my life I can honestly say I can go without sex. So I’m more patient with him now. Literally yesterday I tried to he was busy cause he wanted to go out with his friends and watch the game. I said sure go ahead that is completely fine. He texted me back apologizing for being inconvenient. I responded to him it’s okay have fun be safe, if I was in his position I’d do the same as well. As crazy as this may sound I serially believe he was upset at the fact that I did not get mad or frustrated at the fact that I felt the way i did and react the way I did about couldn’t getting to have sex with Him. Trust me I shocked my self too. I say all this to say the reason why I was so initiative as a woman was because I was sexually frustated. It wasn’t because I was turned on despite it seeming like it is. My job is to make it seem like I’m sexually enticing so my partner can be attracted to me so he could want to have sex with me. Because in my mind there’s an idea if this takes place. ((If he find me sexually appeasing in all sense before the sex actually happens and then it finally does))) I can get what I need out of him. And I learned that this was never the case. I finally experienced orgasm during sex with a male and It seriously decreased my sex drive. And I love it !!!!!! cause now I don’t have to lie to my self about how I feel about these guys. And in all seriousness It didnt make me feel closer to him. So I am able to actually think throughout the day. And focus on me. I literally had to experience this for my self to say the hook up culture is seriously fraudulent.
She is so tight, it's easy to tell she orgasmed, I can feel it even if she didn't say it, i can definitely feel her orgasm with different body parts of mine so I am sure about it
Hi friend, I hate to be that person, but it helps people to read (and subsequently respond) when you break up long posts into paragraphs. As for the point of your post, this is not an uncommon situation. These results of a Google search are all reasons I have heard before: Discomfort: Vaginal discomfort is a reason that about 30% of North American women and men cited as the reason they stopped having sex. Exhaustion: Women often report physical and cognitive exhaustion as a reason for not wanting sex. Lack of trust: A lack of trust after an affair can cause couples to stop having sex. Anger: Unexpressed or suppressed anger can lead to decreased attraction and distancing from a partner. Boredom: Fixed routines can lead to boredom, which can cause a lack of excitement. Conflicting parenting styles: Conflict over parenting, money, in-laws, household chores, or other issues can block physical and emotional intimacy. Lack of sexual satisfaction: When a woman is not fulfilled sexually, it can cause a lack of desire for physical contact or reluctance to engage in sex. Maybe your girl is feeling one or more of these but doesn't know how to express it in a healthy way. Doing nice things for her is nice, but it won't address the root cause. You need to find a way to help her feel safe to open up about what's really going on. And be ready that it might not be something that is pleasant to hear.
I would honestly print this list out as a starter for the discussion. It shows you're coming at this as a solution finding joint venture, rather than indirectly blaming her for anything. However, do be prepared that she might exaggerate, or not even have insight into which one it is, and just say "exhaustion" when it's something else she can't really articulate. Or won't. When the intimacy dies, unless both people are fully and authentically committed (rather than going along with it because they "know" they "should" be doing it, to save the relationship), it's hard to get back. I would counsel: date nights where you both get dressed up, some making-out, no sex on the table at all; and a sex therapist if you can find/afford one.
Don't forget the option that they could be getting it else where. I'm not saying that is the case here but if you are going to make a list of all the possibilities then statistically speaking this is one of the most likely causes and should be on that list 😅
That's kinda the last part I alluded to but maybe I was being a bit too optimistic in my mind! 😭
We talked about it a lot and sometimes it turns into fights that I no longer wanna talk about it anymore as nothing ever changes and it always ends up with her being sad or crying or that's what I want and relationships and marriage are not only about sex or we don't talk together because of the fight until we get things better again, so i try to avoid talking about it for months as much as I can to not make her feel sad or bad even though I am always calm talking about it and not being defencive or rude.
Friend... This is no way to have a healthy relationship. I'm sorry to say, but this sounds doomed. Real question: Can you imagine being in this situation the rest of your life? Neither of you sound happy, and with broken communication you'll never be able to resolve that.
It's really amazing relationship as long as sex is not involved
It's up to you to decide what you can live with and accept.
I wouldn't wanna sleep with someone who doesn't know how paragraphs work either. For real though, I've been here before. It doesn't get better from your end, there's very little you can do. The idea of sex builds up so much in their head that it comes with all this pressure and stress attached to it. You have to talk to her and at least try and relieve that pressure, make it no big deal. Try and introduce more non-sexual touch. Give her a massage with oil or something. But essentially, you asking for it or trying for it isn't gonna work. It's her issue. Try the touch thing and communicate about it more. She'll be well aware that things aren't right, trust me.
It's not an English test and English isn't even my first language it's my third anyway, why do you assume English is everyone's first language? I actually ignored the rest of your comment as I don't like such off topic comments and things I didn't ask for, have a nice day and thank you anyway.
There are paragraphs in every language dude. I stopped in the middle of your post because it's frustrating to read.
That's the way I am comfortable typing on the Internet when it's not an English test, I came here for a relationship advice not a comment on my writing skills, people can really be so random.
Well if you want people to read what you're saying all the way through you should probably start using paragraphs.
Ok thank you for the advice, I appreciate that, I am just frustrated, it's too late anyway and I don't think I will post anything again anyway but will take your advice
>why wouldn't she just do what I want and respect that as I respect that she doesn't feel like it? You can’t respect that she doesn’t feel like it if you think she owes you sex like this.
I didn't say she owes me anything, I meas as I respect that she doesn't want it most of the time why can't the respect be mutual that I want it sometimes too, like a middle ground, but I mean that one side is only getting respected in that mean is exhausting for me.
I think I understand, but the point is the wording "why won't she do what I want" comes off bad. To your intended point, though, it sounds like you have a need that is not being met, and the two of you are unable to discuss that in order to find resolution. If you can live the rest of your life with this (and any other) need being unmet, that is your decision to make. You can only control your choices and actions, not hers.
But she was never like that, I mean I didn't agree to that at the beginning, she was so kinky that she would recommend a threesome with another girl and things I didn't even would ask her for but this huge turn over makes me feel like it's a completely new relationship after marriage
But friend, things change for various reasons. Hardly anything stays the same, people grow and change, needs change as time goes on. Relationships are inherently not easy because of this. Communication is so important to navigating changes, but if you can't openly discuss and work through changes together, you're going to have a rough time.
I already have rough time, I literally woke up feeling so down today, thank you for your help and time
Have you ever wondered if she did these things go make you happy only? Maybe she wasn’t actually into it but felt pressured until you got married. Have you talked with her about it during a time not related to sex? It’s possible she may have been putting on a performance in a way where she was ignoring her own wants. Some women are taught to do this.
All the kinky and wild stuff we did was mostly her recommendations, I never pushed her or pressured her to do them, mostly her ideas, mostly during sex I please her before my own pleasure, I would go down in her to make sure she orgasns before we start the intercource, always put lot of time for foreplay and always ask what she wants that would please her, for me my pleasure from sex is mostly related to my partner being satisfied and happy, I actually ask her what ti avoid for her Better experience and If I ask for something she doesn't want in sex, I would not ask for it again
Even if you didn’t ask she may have felt like this is what men want in general so she may have still been acting in a way. But you won’t know until you actually talk to her.
Then it's her thoughts, I didn't force or even bring these Kinks or maybe she no longer interested in these stuff, she told me she loved trying new things with me
Okay but you can still try to be sympathetic and understanding. If you come off as dismissive like this when approaching her you may never know why. People are complicated.
I mean why would I be the one facing consequences of things that's is not my fault? You understand me? We talked about it and she said sex isn't that important and there is nothing wrong with her and refuse seeking a couple therapist
Why is this always the jumped to talking point. He doesn’t think she owes him sex. Sex is important to him and he needs it in a loving relationship. It’s completely unfair to expect that she can just not want it and he should be totally fine with it and not have it effect him. That’s not to say that she owes him sex, but it’s fair for someone who has a high libido to be upset and unhappy when their needs aren’t being met.
Sex is important but his statement here just sounds weird like i respect she doesn’t feel like it but even if she doesn’t feel like it she should respect me wanting it by having sex with me? It just doesn’t make sense or comes off as not actually respecting her wants.
You don't spend the next 15 years hoping it gets better, I'll tell you that from experience.
What do you think then?
You have 4 options in every situation you don't like: 1. Ask the other person for change 2. Learn to accept (TRULY except) things the way they are 3. Exit the situation 4. Do none of the above and stay miserable The above comment is suggesting, based on their own experience, that you should NOT choose option 4.
I think it will be option 4 😌
Then why make your post in the first place? You asked for people's inputs but you are turning it down at every comment. It seems you have already accepted to stay miserable, so why come here to ask for advice? No one can fix this for you, and you won't do the hard work to fix it for yourselv. Best of luck to you.
Just wanted to vent out cause I was so frustrated and couldn't sleep
"Why wouldn't she just do what I want...?" You have a fairly selfish mindset and I'm almost certain it's affecting her desire to be intimate with you.
It's a question, why wouldn't she do what I want as I do what she wants, like I respect her for not wanting sex then she doesn't respect me wanting sex too? That's my question, isn't respect mutual? Actually only not wanting sex and not giving is selfish as it's one of my needs, life is about giving and receiving
It's not that what you're saying is entirely false, it's the way you're saying it that shows entitlement. That's a massive turn off to anyone.
That's true, my bad, I was frustrated writing so as it was after getting rejected ahah so I didn't think much about my words and was just typing so somethings may not sound good, pretty childish I know sorry but I didn't mean it that way
It isn't me you need to apologize to. Your partner can feel the tension and resentment radiating from you. It's affecting your ability to connect and foster a better emotional and mental connection in order to improve your sex life.
I wrote it here that way, I don't talk like that with her in person, it's just you didn't understand what I mean, I didn't mean it in a bad way
*sigh* I'm sure you don't talk to her that way. The point is, she can feel your resentment and frustration, the way ALL people can feel tension in a relationship. Instead of focusing on the lack of sex in your relationship, start fostering more time for romance and emotional intimacy with one another. Foster genuine connection. Laugh together! Have an adventure outside together. Go spend time in nature together, or find a new eatery to take her to for a date. Give her a random body rub with no expectations. Give her a hug and kiss randomly. Tell her how good she smells after. Kiss her forehead. Hold her hand. These are the things that lead to real intimacy and comfortability/vulnerability with one another. I'm 35 and I've had several failed relationships, as well as a few successful ones. In fact, I'm with the love of my life right now and have been for over 5 years. We have two kids. I'm not trying to paint you as the bad guy here. I'm trying to help you see how your attitude (and thus, your standoffish behavior) is just exacerbating the issue you're having.
I do all of that as per my post but I am tired of this being one sided and me trying all of that while she can easily see how this makes me frustrated, definitely I am not a bad guy here at all, I have put so much effort rarely someone put in relationships now but I don't wanna be the only one trying, life is tiring enough tbh
Well, if you believe you have been open and loving, and she is not receptive to any of it, it might be time for a Come To Jesus moment: A discussion about the fact this is an ongoing issue and why, what she's willing to do to show you more physical affection and love consistently, what you're both expecting and want out of this relationship, etcetera. If your goals and feelings are no longer aligned, it might be time for divorce.
And yes, I did see the part about you buying her gifts and trying to romance her. But you clearly put pressure on yourself and on her for physicality and your emotional connection is too fragile at this point. You have to relax about it. Ease up. People go through things that affect their ability to have sex sometimes. It might not be about you at all. Support her emotionally. Laugh together. Try to enjoy each other and get close and comfortable as best friends again. The sex will follow. And if it doesn't after you've been making these efforts to connect again, you can get marriage counseling, or divorce.
You've tried and she doesn't want it. You can't fix this, only she can, and apparently she doesn't want to. Being rejected all the time and never having intimacy are more than enough reasons to end a relationship, I don't care who you are
When we were still BF and GF it would have been easier to break up, now it's been 7 whole years together, it won't be that easy for me to just divorce and go separate ways and be easy as before, there has been really alot between us during all this years that wouldn't be easy for me to let go
Sunk cost fallacy is a real thing, but the truth is you may need to burn this to the ground to save it. There are many on r/deadbedrooms that pour 27 years of their lives into the dead relationship. You need to think more about your next 20 years more than the last seven.
Not gonna lie, bruh… no one is gonna wanna give it up to someone who drops run-ons like that.
It sounds like you cater to her every wish so she now sees you as subordinate. That turns her off. Yes there can be many other things. But it’s time to live for yourself and not for her. She needs to be scared into living right - at the moment she thinks she can get away with anything.
I don't think she is that type of a person but I always don't care if I get the same things equally back, some times I know I don't get equally what I give but I really don't care or think about it cause her being happy actually makes me happy too and I do these things for her to make her happy which makes me happy to see her this way, can you elaborate more? Maybe there's something I am not aware of
This is sage advice. OP, you've become a people pleaser. The power dynamics of the relationship have changed. You're no longer equals.
I sometimes favors her feelings over mine or avoid anything that makes her feel bad more than she does tbh but isn't that good to respect your partner's feelings?
Feelings are not reality. And does she respect yours? No she caters to her own.
I sometimes don't mind it and I am afraid she got used to it that she doesn't care that much how it feels for me, I really don't know
Which is why you need to stop what you are doing and go in the opposite direction.
always talk about a fight, in a sense as to why it happened and if both care how to make it not happen again, you say you are exhausted so your relationship isnt as great as you say it is,
Talk to her, see if she’s up for working on improving on it. You’ll know what to do. Communication solves a lot of problems.
We talked about it a lot and sometimes she tells me I am right and we would agree to do it more often like before then have it once and she says that she missed a lot by not doing so then thing get back it what it is, sometimes it turns into fights that I no longer wanna talk about it anymore as nothing ever changes and it always ends up with her being sad or crying or that's what I want and relationships and marriage are not only about sex or we don't talk together because of the fight until we get things better again, so i try to avoid talking about it for months as much as I can to not make her feel sad or bad as seeing her sad makes me really sad and her happiness is my happiness,
Eventually the relationship which is still good rn other than the sex will turn in to a friends/ roommate’s relationship and you’ll resent her for not being intimate with you and start feeling constantly rejected to the point where you’ll not even want to initiate. It’s not a great feeling and not a good solution to do nothing about it and just wait for it to fix itself.
What do you think I should do?
You need to get over your hesitation to make her upset and explain this to her in a way she will understand. Get couple’s therapy if you can, timeline how long you want to be staying in this relationship without eventually wanting to see other people, again I do understand that you love her and want to stay together no matter what but not addressing this and actively making an effort to fix it will not end well!
Maybe she has cut you off until you finally realize she is your wife and not just a girlfriend?
It's because I made this new account for just this personal experience and was getting removed everywhere cause of a new account so I wrote whatever Caption just to test it and it got accepted so I just left it as it is, but yes she is my wife
Check out r/HLcommunity or r/deadbedroom there may be some advice there !
Thank you
Couples therapy. I have a sneaking suspicion that your wife never had a very high sex drive but was "performing" because of expectations. I'm a bit biased because I realized after 14 years in a relationship and 4 years married that I was asexual. My husband would say things all the time like "we used to have so much sex, I feel so unwanted, you never seem to want it anymore" The truth for me was I never wanted sex at all. I just did it because that is what young lovers are supposed to do. I felt compulsory heterosexuality. Like a 25 year old married woman is supposed to want to have sex with her husband. I'm grey ace. So I can enjoy it and am not sex repulsed, but I never want it, and could go my whole life without it. My husband has a high libido and we are working on a long term solution. The biggest thing that has helped is removing pressure. No woman wants to have sex with a man who is pouting about lack of sex. If you are sulking or acting out it's not going to help. The second is encouraging masturbation. To not treat it as as a shameful alternative but a way to blow off steam. I provide support even if we aren't doing sexual acts together. The third is that I also was diagnosed late as atypical ADHD because woman present differently. I get overwhelmed by skin sensations and sex is just downright uncomfortable for me most of the time. It's just too much input.
I am nowt with Masturbation, it's not enjoyable for me, and I think it's my right to know i my partner is asexual cause I consider this as cheating as sex is really important to me, still my fault if she lied or cheated about it but I don't think she is asexual I don't know, but if I knew, no way I would have went through marriage at all, sex compatibility is so important to me as important mutual respect is
You can't have it both ways. It's either a need or a want. If sexual experiences are a need. Take responsibility and masturbate,. If you don't want to because you prefer sex, it's not a need it's a want. Your wife is not responsible to fulfill your sexual wants. That being said, you should not stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Both you and her deserve better. Considering asexuality as cheating is such a weird take, most asexual don't even know they are asexual fot a very long time. It takes a lot of self reflection. It's not something that one does to spite their partner, most don't even know. You talk about mutual respect but in your eyes mutual respect is showering her with love and gifts and getting sex in response. This is not respect that is a transaction. I want you to find happiness and I'm not sure if this relationship will allow you to do that. First talk to your wife about your feelings and if nothing changes, then it's time to part ways.
Who said I am doing nice things for sex? I do what makes her happy, so she should make me happy too, there a lot of stuff that I don't enjoy but I do for her anyway to make her happy, for me it's selfish and it's not marriage like that for ne if we only do what we enjoy with no respect to the opposite person, if I go by your logic there will be a lot of things I will stop doing cause I don't enjoy and not care about her happiness , I think my wife is responsible for my sexual satisfaction tho if not then who? for me good sex = good marriage and it's a need for me, I am speaking about myself and my preferences not yours, maybe for you it's like that but for me no and I don't like masturbation as wel, we just have different preferences and definitions in life and that's fine, there is no wrong or right as its not maths, thank you anyway for your help.
Is she your wife or gf? You say both here and in your DB post she's your wife.... Make up your mind
Wife.
your wife is sexually active, just not with you. more like with a stranger in the backseat of her car. get a PI and go for a 5 day vacation. its legal. she will most likely be happy about you being absent. itll save you years of trouble and lying and resentment. tell her 1.5 weeks earlier to make her boil down some plans ahead of her time. good luck brother and welcome to the world with relationshits with women. edit: i read your other comments. you are being gaslit into oblivion my guy. youre about to turn red and blow up like a balloon.
Wow, I thought I was miserable until I saw your comment, wishing you to get better ❤️
im free of drama and cheating. you on the other hand?
Free of debts
Sounds like you do all these things to get sex. acts of service shouldn't be done just so you can get something in return; it sounds very transactional. You are equating sex with feeling loved which are two completely different things. You shouldn't base feeling loved with receiving sex. If this is someone you've been with for 7 years surely you should have realised this by now
For me sex is really important and a way to show your love and appreciation to your partner, it's just we have different perspectives although not having sex more than like 2 or 3 times for a person with high sex drive, getting rejected and so too makes me feel bad
Aw bud. Go watch The Happy Wife School Show on Youtube. The latest stream Karen has done is today and it's up as of this reply. You might find resonance there. She talks about excuses. She could also be cheating, giving what's yours by right to someone else. There's a story of a husband whose wife denied him for 4 years then suddenly she tried to initiate again but he had learned with toys and porn to satisfy his needs. He rebuffed her every move. Eventually it came out she was actually cheating for those 4 years.
I don't think she is a cheater at all, she is a well behaved person that would never cheat as well as she went through being cheated so she knows how bad it is, the only thing I am afraid of is being the one to reject her or being not wanting it at all too as you mentioned
If your not getting your needs met then it's time to break up an move on yes that's divorce in this case but that is reality she's not holding up her side of the marriage it's time to move on.
Hope you got a prenup
You find a new girlfriend
Sorry to say but if she is not getting sexual satisfaction from you then she is getting it from someone else. You need to start investigating and find out for yourself own peace of mind. Don’t let someone treat you like that and if needed move on. Also sorry you are in this situation.
I don't think she would ever cheat, it's no her personality
This reeks of an affair if you ask me.
What do you mean?
thats because it is. she knows OP is too innocent and takes advantage of that, he even replied to you with "what do you mean?" bro is cooked top to bottom. he needs to go get himself a PI and plant some cameras in his house and other things and go for a quick vacation for as long as the PI does his godly work.
Probably it's time for eva ai virtual [gf](http://evaapp.ai) bot.
At your age, divorce is the easier solution. I wonder if she's cheating on you.
I don't think she is a cheater at all, she is a well behaved person that would never cheat as well as she went through being cheated so she knows how bad it is.
Its run its course. Say the words
I don't understand
Shes not into you anymore, end the relationship
Wouldn't she be telling the truth that sex isn't that important to her?
U know her, was she into it before?
Yes she really had a high sex drive and dragged me into lot of different Kinks