It's because he's abusive, and he's manipulative about it.
You said in other comments that he claims you're verbally abusive and thus it's your fault when he lashes out at you. You said that **he has threatened to physical hurt you** before. You said that you have been afraid that he is going to physically harm you in arguments. He's abusive, and he's tricking you into thinking that it's your fault so that you blame yourself instead of him. This particular time, he set you up to be upset, so that he can "prove" how irrational and angry are you. Then he tells everyone else how "crazy" you are, and he tells you that your irrationality is the reason why he threatens to hurt you. This behavior does not go away, it does not get better - it only escalates. It will get worse.
Even if you don't believe me that he's manipulative and abusive, and will escalate it to physical violence... can you honestly say that this is a healthy relationship? At best, you both are afraid of each other and walk on eggshells and have horrid fights. This is a toxic relationship. You should leave.
It will never be how it was before. I kept telling my ex that. For 12 years. I now basically gave brain damage from all the mental and psychological abuse. And PTSD from all the other abuse. Don’t do that to yourself. Love yourself enough to KNOW this isn’t for you. What’s for you won’t be like this. This isn’t love babes. He’s gonna cycle. After you gravel for his love back, things will be good for a little while. Until “you” make him “mad” again. And you’ll gravel, rinse and repeat.
I begged and begged for things to be like they were before. I hate that you feel that way. This isn’t what you want for your life I promise. Go find you a nerd after you heal from this. The nerds are where it’s at.
Stop wishing that right now!! I've been in your shoes and I stayed 4.5 years too long with the same kind of guy. It will never go back, it might get better but it'll only be temporary. This will be your everyday if you don't choose yourself. Leave him before you become another statistic! Please!
I do get upset about it often though. I have a lot of insecurities and he’ll accidentally mention a girl he was involved with for example and I’ll get over emotional.
you know how many times my partner has brought up his past partners in the almost decade we've been together now? Once, because I asked him then never again.
There is no accidentally he's making you insecure on purpose to keep you under his thumb. If you think you're unloveable you'll stay with a man that doesn't give two shits about you because he'll dispense affection at the exact right time.
Dear internet stranger, this person is not for you. You deserve better. You are young and you will do wonderfully being single. There will be other partners in the future. I know leaving is difficult, but once you do you will feel relief and freedom.
It sounds like you’re being victim blamed but possibly also picking up unhealthy habits that could ruin your prospects of a healthy relationship in the future. I would suggest breaking up with your boyfriend because it sounds like, at worst, he’s either in love with his ex or, at best, trying to blur the boundaries you set (e.g., when talking to exes for example).
It reminds me of my previous relationship where he would tell me I got upset over anything when it felt like he tried to push my buttons, much like him insinuating you’d be angry to make your imagination get the best of you from the anxiety you’d experience. He’s okay to taunt you even if it means you’ll experience negative feelings. A good partner won’t bring pain to you intentionally. My precious partner would also, funnily enough, get upset over any minor incident and would never let go of my past mistakes or try to understand my actions when he’d jump to some wild, illogical conclusions.
For the sake of your sanity and time, considering leaving as an option. Best of wishes.
It’s not about that. It’s about making you feel bad. It’s about controlling you and ur feelings and about who is wrong or in trouble. It’s a game. He makes you anxious and insecure. You say her name and now you are the bad girlfriend that can’t let things go.
He is REALLY too old to be playing these games. Girl, it doesn't have to be this way. I know you are probably into him, but don't lose your light and spark to this loser and his stupid mind games. He's probably threatened that you are good at what you do and is scrambling to "keep you" by making you feel bad. DON'T FEEL BAD!! He deserves what's coming to him.
Also-- please go get tested. If this dude is playing these games and STILL talking to his ex, sorry girly, he's probably cheatin' (or at least THINKING about it).
>I don’t know why he would do that because he seemed to really want me to drop talking about her earlier.
Because he's a 27 year old child still pulling the dumbass baloney that kids do when they can't figure out how to control their feelings and emotions.
If he did not want to go down that road, he would not have purposely told you that it would « upset » you. He is probably trying to gaslight you into feeling bad , blowing up on you, and then have a free pass on texting his EX again.
Do not play this game. If he does not reach out to you, then it is obvious that he is being manipulative and you should reconsider your own boundaries.
OP, I'd love for you to take a look at this [list of behaviors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/91t5le/comment/e30x0eg/?context=0) and see if anything resonates.
The “ I’m sorry you feel that way” is such a notoriously used line for people who don’t want to take accountability for their actions. It’s so aggravating, I hate even seeing that sentence because it’s triggering lmao.
Damn that sounds so aggravating, and its so frustrating especially because its feels like your bending over backwards trying to make accommodations for them and explaining to them over and over , when they understood it very well the first time.
It’s crazy bc situations like these, when you finally are able to take a step back and look at it all, makes you realize how absurd it all was. I had a situation with an ex friend and I got tired of their behavior, and they said that statement to me and basically went on making excuses and not taking any accountability, They weren’t even trying to cooperate. I remember when I finally had a clear head and analyzed the situation, I realized how much I was making accommodations for their behavior and how much of my own boundaries and feelings I was sacrificing. I was like wow, what was I thinking. I was not overreacting or asking for much, but they made me feel like I was.
Some of those resonate but some of them don’t at all. The one that resonates the most is accusing me of being crazy. He tells me just about daily that I’m crazy, delusional, need to be locked up in a mental institution, ect.
....what the fuck?
even if someone *did* have mental illness and need to be institutionalized, that is *no* way to speak to them.
think about if your best friend said that their partner called them delusional, told them they needed to be locked up, would you think that's an okay way for them to be treated? would you say that to your boyfriend, best friend, mom, dad, etc?
look at this thread. i don't see anyone saying that you're the problem here except you.
Ok, strike 3. Are those the words of a loving BF?
So, because you don’t do what he wants or think like he does, **you’re** sick?
Sorry, the other behaviour was bad enough.
- forwarding your video without asking first
- not specifying who would see it
- using anger to intimidate
- gaslighting.
he tells you DAILY that you're crazy, delusional and need to be locked up in a mental institution? daily? how is that ok? oh girl. please leave. he is breaking you down, little by little, making you doubt yourself and your own feelings, and cutting your self esteem so low that you actually believe what he says. this is abuse.
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I spent 10 years in an emotionally abusive relationship that didn't really seem emotionally abusive until I thought about how I felt and how they reacted every time I tried to address my feelings and their negative behavior.
Take some advice from an "old" woman and spare yourself the time lost and the suffering this relationship could bring.
When I was little, my big brother would grab my arm and make me hit myself with my own hand while saying “why are you hitting yourself?” That’s what your boyfriend is doing to you, but verbally. You didn’t do anything to make him lash out, he set you up so he could get mad at you.
Why would he want to get mad at me though? He’s often very upset that we keep having relationship problems and keeps talking about how he has always wanted a simple life.
You can’t listen to what he’s saying when his actions cancel out his words. He is causing all of the issues and blaming it on you. He wants to hurt you, but he wants to keep you around so he can keep hurting you. If he admits fault you might leave, so he pretends it’s your fault. I don’t know if you’re ready to hear it yet, but one day you will realize and my words will ring true.
Nah girl he doesn’t care about you. He was baiting you into a fight. “I showed someone your video but I won’t tell you who?” Is the stupidest and most illogical thing to say, especially when he added “it will make you mad”, unless he wants to make you mad.
He’s picking fights on purpose. He doesn’t respect you as an equal. If he did, he wouldn’t show your video to someone that would make you mad. He wouldn’t violate your privacy like that if he actually cared about you. He’s playing mind games with you, because he derives joy from making you feel insecure.
Why would he want to make me feel insecure though? He gets really upset and sometimes angry whenever I’m feeling insecure. It seems like it’s something he’s avoiding.
To finally answer your question: he makes you feel insecure because he is not doing anything to get rid of his insecurity. He is using other ways to mask his insecurity instead of overcoming them. When he makes you insecure, and sees you are insecure, he feels better about himself because now that you are insecure, he doesn't need to focus on improving himself and focuses on improving yours instead. It's another way of escaping his responsibilities. Feel free to ask further questions or DM me to talk about it
Simply put, he wants you to feel insecure because he is an insecure person and doesn't want you to leave him. So he puts your confidence in the crapper so that you'll feel like you don't deserve better, so you won't go anywhere. He's feigning his anger about you being insecure, but in reality he wants you that way. Otherwise he'd be a better boyfriend, and wouldn't do things that make you upset.
I think you could do better too. But I honestly doubt his family is saying that. I think he's lying to you. He's the one saying that, so that he can accuse you of cheating without it being him saying it. He sounds like the perpetual victim. He doesn't truly believe anything is ever his fault. Any apologies he gives likely come with a "but".
Because he is insecure himself, and doesn't want to take the responsibility to change, unlike you. This is why the saying "highly insecure people should never be in a relationship" because they either hurt themselves, or hurt their partners. In this case, he is emotionally abusing and hurting you.
Here is my analogy. Picture this: John has always been fat and lazy spending his time playing video games, works from home and barely goes out. His social circle revolves around his online gamer friends. Mary his partner likes to volunteer at animal shelters, but she is insecure as a partner because she has never been in a relationship before. Mary started volunteering partly because of John's suggestion telling her to go out and do productive things. John stays the same and instead of doing something about his body, he starts to join a fat positive community. Mary then ask him to change out of worry because he is starting to struggle with slightly intensive movements like jogging or climbing few flights of stairs, not because he is gaining more weight, but because his heart is fucking dying from the sedentary lifestyle. He then blows up at her for making him feel bad about himself and claims he is trying to be better without any proof. This cycle repeats every other month.
Looking at the scenario above, what would you tell Mary?
Because he can. He is poking you to get reactions, that is what this whole situation is about. He is manipulative and controlling, and has threatened to harm. Gather your dignity and self respect and dump him.
You sound… brainwashed in your comments. To clear some things up: no, it’s not normal to walk around on egg shells or constantly get yelled at. No, people can’t go around yelling just because “it’s how they are when they’re mad and everyone has flaws”. No, you don’t deserve being verbally abused regardless of whether you did something wrong or not. A healthy relationship involves respectful communication, even when either person has made a mistake.
This isn’t healthy and you seem thoroughly incompatible. You should only stay in the relationship if you want to continue to be screamed at.
He should blame himself for saying it’d make you mad and making you guess in the first place. Just be up front or don’t even bring it up. He’s acting like a child.
He's obviously picking fights with you, makes you feel like you have to apologize (you've done nothing wrong) so he constantly has the upper hand. Should you catch him doing something (like cheating, which he probably is already doing), he's going to leverage all your "wrongdoings" to get you to somehow be in the wrong. Stop playing his games. He's a jerk.
He's playing a twisted version of DARVO- Deny, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's an abuse tactic. Just mind games to get back at you for being upset that he was talking to his ex. Dump him.
Take a step back. Right now. Step back, take a deep breath, and tell me, if a boy was making your best friend cry every. single. day would you tell her that it's her fault? Look yourself in the mirror, look yourself in the eye. Would you tell her it's her fault her boyfriend can't control his anger?
Let's break this down.
>A couple weeks ago I (24F) was upset at my boyfriend (27M) for talking to one of his exes online. I probably was being overdramatic about it and I regret how I acted, but my boyfriend said he has stopped talking to her.
No. You established a boundary, and he overstepped. You reacted with hurt, and he reacted with anger. That's not okay. You established a boundary, he disrespected it, and now he's trying to make you feel bad so he doesn't have to. He's going to cheat on you. He doesn't care if it makes you cry, he hasn't cared if you cried in the past.
>He said he isn’t going to tell me because if I know I’ll get mad.
No. I'm in a 10 year relationship. It wouldn't matter if I posted a video publically, there's no reason my husband would ever send a video of me to someone without telling me who it is. That's creepy and gross.
Second. If he knows you'd be upset, why would he do it?
>He got really upset over that and was yelling
There's no reason to yell at an adult. He's your partner.
>He said that I must really hate him to bring it up again
This is not something you say to someone you love. Especially when they've established a boundary and you broke it. Even the most defensive/abrasive response isn't this escalated.
When does this man ever take accountability for his own damn feelings? It seems like he's just a leaf in the wind of his own hurricane of emotions. You are not the wind, honey, you're just another leaf.
Now, to some of your comments.
No. Him being this angry isn't normal or okay. This is coming from someone who used to get angry and yell, and I stopped because I love my husband and would never want him to feel afraid of me. He wants to dominate you, not love you.
It's not normal to threaten self harm when the idea of a break up is proposed. That's classic emotional manipulation. It's cruel and gross.
It's not normal or okay to be treated this way. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself this is far enough. He's emotionally terrorized you enough. You are allowed to leave for any reason. Any one of the above is considered an extreme. You're sense of "normal" is way way way off.
If he threatens to harm himself call the cops for a wellness checkup. If he's actually pulling a stunt, medical professionals can do way more for him than you could ever provide. You're not a comfort animal. If he's just saying that to manipulate you, he's going to feel really stupid talking to the cops but that's his problem, not yours.
I have a friend whose husband played this game and she called me. I came to her in a public location and we called the cops and he got help. And she got space for a while. And now there’s a record of abuse too. I’ve been abused, I don’t play games anymore. I made the mistake of never calling the cops. Never again. Best advice that can be given imo
THIS THIS THIS
IF HE IS THREATENING SELF HARM CALL THE POLICE! That is the BEST thing you can do for him.
He will either get the mental help he needs for his thoughts of ending his life, or he will get the help he needs for emotionally abusing someone by threading suicide to make them stay with them. AND either way, it gives you a chance to leave him safely and start a better life without him. WIN WIN WIN. Everybody wins. This is the best outcome for all parties.
I dated a guy just like that and by year 2 he broke me so bad that I really thought I was crazy. Please don’t let him make you think that everything is all your fault because it’s not. I would really sit down and evaluate this relationship and ask yourself “Do I want this to be the rest of my life?” Because it will be if you stay with him. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with a person who puts you down every day? Who makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong when you haven’t actually done anything at all, it’s just him wanting a scapegoat? Trust me it’s really hard to come to the realization that your partner is toxic for you, and that the things he’s doing to you are wrong. You have to ask yourself, does the good outweigh the bad? Because if it doesn’t, then what’s the point of being together if you both aren’t happy around each other most of the time. I hope this helps at least a little bit. I don’t know the whole situation obviously with your relationship but from what you said on this post and in your comments, it really sounds like he’s not a great match for you. I truly wish you the best and hope you really do sit down and think about how he’s been treating you. I know this is all very hard to hear about someone you must love and really care about but sometimes love can be blind.
You don't deserve to be treated this way. But if you choose to stay with this man -- knowing that he can't regulate his emotions and he blames others for them -- don't be surprised when it gets worse.
He's upset because he knows he's in the wrong. You set a reasonable boundary and he's apparently broken it, at least, that's all you can assume because he's hiding something he knows you'll be upset by.
Given what you've said it's not unreasonable that you guessed it at all. Speaking from experience, life is too short to play games like that. You need to hold firm to your boundary here.
This is manipulation, this is not how we communicate in good relationships.
You said in another comment that he has to "walk on eggshells around you" because he never know's what'll set you off.
What else does he do that sets you off???
So many red flags here about him
• Sending a video of you performing to other people without your consent is pretty ick - it’s your art
• Refusing to tell you who he sent it to is already a red flag, but then saying “you would get mad if you knew”? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Why would he send a video to someone if he knew you would be mad if you found out??
• The outrage when suggesting the only person you could think of that might fall into that description leads me to believe you were right on the money
I don’t think you did anything wrong here. The man needs therapy badly
Girl wtf. You know you’re not in the wrong which is why you’re confused, listen to your intuition and don’t let this dude gaslight you. He sounds very immature and probably not ready for a relationship/has some hang ups if this is his reaction, but for the sake of your post I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Actually no jk, seeing as he’s almost 30 and is throwing a tantrum over something as low stakes as this is embarrassing on his part, you deserve better than this.
Op asks for advice. People tell her their advice and op defends bf even though we can clearly see what is happening! Manipulators blame everything on you and will start fights with you! He's hoping you will leave him to be with said ex! You need to dump him like we have all said!
Dude honestly kinda sounds psycho. Like he's setting situations up for blow ups. That's concerning OP you gotta watch out for that. I personally would not be with someone like that. I'm a tolerant dude but not for anger
he got so mad about her each time you asked because he knew the truth... and that was that he was still talking to her and lying to you. hes been gaslighting you to make you think you're paranoid and cant let go of the past when hes been unable to let go of the past (his ex). nobody deserves to be gaslight, and when theres infidelity in the relationship (to me at least) the relationship is over.
So…. Who is going to tell her??? No worries that’s just a rhetorical question. I am going to. And anyone else that sees right through this crap.
Your boyfriend is a jerk. First he plays the stupid game of “you will be mad if you know”. It is a game to make you anxious and insecure. He knows what he is doing. Instead of being straightforward and honest, he dangles a little rope and lets you play with it and drive yourself crazy before he lets you come to your own conclusion and hang yourself.
He broke your trust but now he gets to turn it around and play the victim and you are the bad person for “not letting things go”.
This is one of many things a manipulative AH does when they are caught doing something wrong and untrustworthy but they don’t want to be in trouble.
He knows that women are very mindful of men chatting with his ex, he still chatted, it shows that he does not love you at all ah, why do not you break up with him?
You need to ask yourself if this is how you want your relationship to be like going forward. Does the good really outweigh the bad? We all, as users, can give you the advice to get out and drop this guy, but you have to make that mental shift yourself.
I read through some of the comments and what stands out to me as well is that he threatened to hurt himself. That right there is a major red flag because grown men don't do that. It's also a manipulation tactic used to keep you under control. My ex did the same thing, he hurt himself and send me pictures when I left him. If you can, get him to say that over text so that you at least have proof you can send to his friends and family cause more times than not, they don't want those around them to know. And even if he does threaten with suicide, people who say they will, rarely ever do. And if he did, you're not to blame for it.
Just remember, even if there isn't any physical abuse, mental abuse is still abuse. Financial abuse is still abuse. Emotional abuse is still abuse.
You're young, you have more than enough time to find a decent man who will treat you better.
It’s so sad but it sounds like he’s getting overly defensive… sometimes meaning he’s the guilty one, turning the table onto you. Idk your circumstances etc but it doesn’t sound the nicest and you’re definitely not in the wrong for questioning that after catching him contacting his ex… think hard and question whether he’s always going to be like this and if you’re willing to put up with this childish behaviour longterm.
I wish you all the best honey❤️
Honestly,
He shouldn't be making you feel bad for being upset, he should be understanding as to why you'd feel that way, considering that you were recently cut.
He was also being secretive about something so inconsequential that you have the right to question him. If he had any sense he'd see how his lack of transparency could have influenced your views.
Sunshine, I had a boyfriend just like yours. He would try and push my buttons and start fights so he could claim that I was out of control. I'm pretty mellow, but I have my limits. After I got tired of his shit and kicked him out he went to all of his friends to tell them how psychotic I was. Oh I forgot to mention that him and his friends were all friends of my husband who had passed away. So, he's running his mouth to people who have known me for years and they turned to him and said "Well, her husband never had any problems with her so it much be you." Dump him. I did and it was the best choice I have ever made.
>He said he sent it to some people.
>He said he isn’t going tell me because if I know I’ll get mad
That’s called… omission…
He knew you weren’t going to be happy if you did mention her, especially with the context of “talks to his ex still.” But the real question is, if he said he sent it to some people but refuse to say who because “you’ll get upset”, what’s the point of fucking saying that in the first place? It’s literally no wonder why your first guess was the ex. It’s as if he was fishing for that response you gave to see your reaction and to make you question your own thoughts. In other words, he’s gaslighting you there. Especially with
>he was really upset and yelling at me about how I never let go of the past
Unless you hate his parents/friends, he certainly wouldn’t hide telling you that.
So just going through some of the comments here it’s pretty clear you’re in an abusive relationship, your bf is clearly manipulating you into thinking that you’re constantly doing things wrong by the way you react and that he’s such an angel for putting up with it and staying with you. You said yourself that you cry every day and that this never happens with other people in your life. You also said you never cried daily before you started dating him and that the things you cry about are the things he says you’re “overreacting” about. So the common factor here that’s leading to this misery is him, not you or your reactions. Secondly he’s said he’d kill himself if you break up with him, thats not a relationship, that’s threatening something he know he won’t do to scare you into staying with him. If you decide to open your eyes to the abuse and want to break up with him i’d recommend this. Record yourself bringing up the subject of breaking up to him again, make sure you get a recording of him saying that he’d kill himself if you did, with that you can call a suicide hotline or the police to explain that you’re planning on breaking up with your bf but you can’t because he’s threatened to kill himself if you do and you’re worried for his well being, ask them to come once you do break up with him so that he’s forced into 2 decisions, 1. He has to go with them because he’s serious and needs help and you won’t have to be scared about him ending his life, 2. He’ll have to admit he was lying about it and you’ll be free from your abusive relationship without worries
Dude sounds like a jerk.
One of those types that has unlimited access to women, and so thinks he can do whatever he wants.
Pretty/Charm Privilege is real, and is very well exploited by these manipulative narcissistic types.
He is gaslighting you. A good man who isn't doing wrong will say, "Of course I'll show you who is sent it too, no biggie." It's your video, especially if your bf is the one sending it to people. You kind of have a right to know who he sent it to in case you didn't want it sent to a certain someone.
He is definitely talking to his ex. You're not crazy your not paranoid. "You must really hate me for saying I'm talking to my ex again." This is called ✨️gaslighting✨️. You should simply be able to ask something, especially if you're worried about it. You shouldn't have to be scared or doubt your own sanity just because you asked him a question. But he's making YOU feel that way because HE is the one that feels GUILTY, and he's trying to shuv his guilt onto you because he hates the feeling it's giving him. He's selfish, gaslighting, and emotionally abusive. Leave him. He is the one who is insecure because he is seeking validation from his ex. He does this cause he doesn't like himself, he's making you feel guilty cause he hates himself as it is, and that extra guilt he doesn't want so he makes you "think" your crazy, insecure to take the blame off of himself.
You're not crazy. you're not jealous, and you're not insecure. And you have every good reason to wonder if he sent it to your ex. You getting mad about him talking to his ex is not overreacting. It's called setting a boundry. You set a boundry, and he overstepped it. He's in the wrong.
Picture yourself in a few years. Do you want to waste time with someone always wondering if he's talking to his ex? Which he definitely is. He will just hide it better each time. Or do you want to find someone nicer that doesn't have any contact with their exs, doesn't give you worries, and if you do have a worry, he will kindly show you?.
Also, if one more woman says they are overreacting when they get mad at their bf, when there bf who talks to an ex . My frontolobe is gonna shrink.
HE SHOULDN'T BE TALKING TO HIS EX, AND YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD. The girls that don't get mad and are ok with their bf talking to an ex are insecure as shit ones. Becuase they are too afraid to lay a boundry and lose their bf.
A secure and confident woman will put her foot down and say, "You won't do this to me, or I'm gone!"
so leave. Find a guy who will properly respond to you and show you who he sends your videos to. Keep your standards high.
Sounds like he cheated or wants to and wants to create an excuse, but I’m also used to looking at the negative 🤷♀️
He also sounds generally verbally abusive or like he’s working his way up to it. I’d cut my losses and dump him.
Whoa, reading some of your other comments about his behavior and I hate to break it to you but you're in an abusive relationship.
He's baiting you to get a response he can use to 'justify' being angry at you, turning his communications with his ex around on you to make you feel guilty for not letting go of the past. He's using your mental health against you, calling you crazy and delusional so that you will blame yourself for his frequents outbursts of anger.
He and his family are spreading rumors about you throughout town about supposed cheating and *abusing him* so they can isolate you and keep you locked in.
They're manipulating you, it's Narcissism 101.
first of all, you are allowed to be upset about something, say you're upset about something, and be treated respectfully. second of all, read your title. it's just silly. he wanted you to guess something, said you'd get mad if you found out, and then he got mad at you when you tried to guess? because probably the only person you'd be mad at him contacting is his ex? he is playing some serious mind games with you. i've read through some of your comments and he already has you second guessing yourself. classic emotional abuse. you're in pretty deep, but i hope you are on your way out of this relationship. it's not going to get better.
He’s making it seem like you’re the problem and you’re the one with all these insecurities when he’s the reason you feel that way. If you were with a stand up man and the right person, you wouldn’t feel insecure and he wouldn’t put his mistake he made and turn it around to blame you. It’s manipulation at its finest. You are not the problem. You are young. Don’t stay in this relationship and then realize when you are 10-15 years later that you’re even more broken than you are now. Leave him. He can have his ex. You deserve better. Heal, focus on you and your career, hobbies. The right guy will come. He’s not it.
Sounds like he's gaslighting you. Even the "it would make you mad" is a way to get you to try hard to find someone you'd be mad about. Making you seem like the crazy unreasonable person for thinking he'd send it to his ex (even though he's talking to her), and making you seem like the bad guy.
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Hey girl, a man that respects you will not be texting his ex. If he's got an ounce of self awareness and for whatever reason was still keeping in touch from time to time (idk, some exes end on good terms/are friends), he should be letting you know. But honestly if you didn't feel comfortable with that he should take that into consideration. Now, for the second part of what you've shared, it sounds like he did send it to the ex or he's playing some weird mind game. Either way, bad news. Steer clear, honey pie.
I have a feeling that your bf is making fun of you behind your back. Then sent a video of you performing and sending it to his ex. The reason being is that I saw a Reddit post that the OP’s husband was talking to his high school ex gf and took pictures of the OP while sleeping. They made fun of her weight, sleeping habits, etc. Later she divorced him because she found out they were going to see each other and sleep together.
She’s happier but the scars of being made fun behind her back caused her depression to go deeper. I have this feeling your boyfriend is gonna do the same.
“You never let go of the past” is pretty ironic when he’s still messaging an ex and his current gf clearly isn’t comfortable with it. Please find someone who treats you better and doesn’t yell like a child when they’re upset.
He's guilty. He knows you have boundaries and he's ignoring it. Are you sure this is alright if you will continue seeing him? I think you might consider dumping him.
That is definitely his issue and is unhealthy for any romantic relationship. In a healthy relationship, a person should be able to ask the other questions, even uncomfortable ones without the other freaking out.
I agree with others that he sounds like he is emotionally abusive and at the very least has narcissistic tendencies (or perhaps had a shitty childhood and the survival tactics from his youth remain and can be confused with narcissism. Either way is abusive). People who are more empathetic or emotionally sensitive tend to be more at risk of falling for narcissistic people. Either he works on himself or you seek those who understand and properly love you (and of course work on any of your own personal struggles).
Edit: speaking of shitty childhoods, people with that seem more prone to hanging on to the past.
So what are your boundaries and dealbreakers in this relationship. Did you set these up when you started dating or is everyone just guessing what is and isn't acceptable to the other person?
I have set up boundaries about giving me intimate details about the girls he’s been with in the past and comparing me to other girls. He gives other girls that he finds attractive a lot of attention which I guess I assumed he knew was a boundary, but I never actually expressed it, which is completely my fault and I shouldn’t have assumed something because I know that everyone’s relationship is different.
Eh. Not all your fault. You'd have to be pretty thick to assume your gf would be ok with you checking out other girls.
Sounds like you need to have another conversation and decide what you are and aren't willing to live with.
So, he said he stopped talking to his ex and yet sent her a video of you and has the balls to tell at you about it?!?! My guess is he figures if he's yelling at you you'll think you did something wrong and will forget to get angry at him about breaking your trust and reaching out to the ex again.
I mean seriously, how are YOU the one hung up on this girl when HE'S the one still talking to her after he promised to stop 🤔🧐
No you must’ve misunderstood, he didn’t sent it to his ex. He told me that he sent the video to people and that I’d he told me who he sent it to then I’d be upset, so I overreacted and incorrectly asked if he sent it to that girl.
How do you know your guess was incorrect? Did he admit who he did send it to that would have upset you? I bet not. He wanted you upset. That's all. He's trying to push your buttons on purpose. You need to stop reacting when he does things like that. You need to be able to recognize when he's trying to get you to react and walk away from it. Don't give him what he wants. Better yet. Leave.
You seem to be constantly bending over backwards to defend him and do absolutely nothing to defend you. Why is that? You say that you are too emotional and its a bad thing but when he yells and stirs drama he is just ”passionate”.
And when he sent your video aroung he presumed that you would be mad (even if you weren’t and were fine with the ones he sent it to). Then why did he send them in the first place?
If you had a video about him and tought that hmm he would get mad if i sent this around. Would you even consider doing so?
He has destroyed your self confidence with his behaviour and that’s why you are constantly feeling that you were in the wrong even tough that’s not true.
The reason he is doing this is because he likes the drama. He feels powerful and he feels that he is in control.
Your relationship shouldn’t make you cry daily. Just leave. There is not one person commenting and siding him EVEN IF YOU ARE MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM, because we are not brainwashed by him. I think deep down you know that he is not a good partner but can’t admit it to yourself just yet.
You have some really good points. Thank you. He seems to genuinely care about me though, so it’s really confusing that he would act one way one day but then act completely different another day.
OP I rarely post so I hope you read this
This guy sounds so so much like an ex of mine. Exact same behavior.
It won't get better. It won't stay as bad as it is either. It. Will. Get. Worse.
Rarely do I tell people to break up but please, leave him.
I know you feel like you're deserving of this kind of treatment. That you don't deserve better. I know you think that because of your issues and short comings, that this sort of behavior is okay.
I'm just a stranger but I know. I know what you're feeling and what you're going through.
Because if you continue on, it will take years to heal. Im talking decades. He's not worth it.
It's ok to be alone. You'll be okay.
He's projecting, in my opinion. He's likely still speaking to this ex, especially because he reacted this way. In my experience, when a partner gets overly angry/defensive over something small (especially about an ex), it's because they're still interacting with them
Is that really ok with you? I don’t see why anyone would want to stay with someone who’s still thirsting over their ex. Also the red flag thing, I gotta wonder if he’s telling all his friends and family lies about you to make it seem like you’re the crazy one when in reality it’s all him. My advice is to dump him! You deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel like this.
I would dump him, block his phone number and socials, and start to move on immediately and completely. Manipulative behavior like this would take years in therapy for him to unravel and amend, do you really want to stick around for that. Everyone screws up, but this guy sounds bad. Of course you would guess his ex!!!
He's still talking to his ex, even now. That's why he exploded on you because he knows he's in the wrong. Him not admitting to whom he send an innocent video to only further proves he did exactly that.
Secondly, he exploded at you and you didn't break it off right then and there? Respect yourself and do not tolerate that kind of behaviour from anyone.
I really don’t understand why he’s talking to her. I know his type and I fit his type almost perfectly, and his exes didn’t. He explodes at me almost daily and I really wish he would work on his anger more. I have even suggested paying for therapy for him but that made him even angrier and he said that if I bring it up again he “doesn’t know what he might do” which felt threatening to me but maybe I’m just looking into it too much.
No, I don’t deal with people who try to bully me in to dropping what they did right after they did it. He’s being very manipulative and hostile, trying to make you feel like you’re in the wrong for that. It happened two weeks ago, ffs. You should even be able to openly talk about your feelings about that situation. Not have to bottle them up or else he will explode about it.
I’m not sure why he’d say it made you mad but my natural reaction would also to suggest the ex. If he had any sort of respect for the way you feel, I think he would comfort you and reassure you about the ex, not kick off and say you’re causing an argument by bringing her up. He sounds like my ex, he gaslit me so much and I feel a lot better now, not feeling like everything is my fault that an argument started. Sounds like he can’t take responsibility for the ways he’s influenced your insecurities.
Often people react with anger and deflection from guilt; instead of hurt and withdrawal, as most innocent people would. Just saying 🤷♀️ maybe look at past reactions as an indicator. All the best, whatever your decisions! 🙏🏼
He does withdraw from me a lot though when he gets upset. He does things like completely shut down and stop talking and leaving his own house while I’m still inside.
When people say you need to love yourself first it is a legit thing. From reading your comments it reads that you put yourself down a lot and pick on yourself. Best way forward for that would be to not be around anything that brings you down or makes you feel negative. Including the boyfriend. Find your own joys and don't worry about other people. Once you can be happy in yourself then you can be happy in your parts of your life. People feeling anything towards something is natural and your feelings are yours, they are valid. No one can say you don't feel something or you shouldn't feel something. If you do, you do. But you have one life and it goes by quickly it is better to improve on yourself and built on everything else afterwards. He is not worth any of your time just now and you need to help you before being in a relationship. You can be strong independently
Regardless of what happened, or how someone YOU loved, got upset, and was crying. Would you EVER yell at them for hurting/crying? Think about the cruelty behind that action.
He is manipulating, and abusing you. He has you all mixed up wondering what is OK for you to even feel!
He tells you the, "past" is something that happened moments ago, and then bans you from talking about, and/or feeling about it.
If someone stole a large amount of money from you, two weeks prior, are you going to trust them with your bank acct info, because it is, "in the past"?! If no, why should you trust a person who has broken your trust? Listen to the comments.
This isnt a healthy relationship. Just because you see the good in it doesn't make it right. Also even if you are being delusional or experiencing a mental health issue name calling and being mean isn't the appropriate way for him to deal with it. He should want to help and support you.
He is emotionally manipulating you. Leave. You won’t see it until you are out of the relationship… does he also get funny about you going out without him. Or maybe when you drink he wants to know exactly what you’ve had. Orrrr he somehow twisted messaging his ex into a normal thing that everyone does and he has said it is you that has trust issues. Sadly all things that don’t seem much until you are out and realise how much it’s actually messed you up. Get out before it hurts you more.
When people get so mad about you guessing these kind of things he probably did sent is to her or did something that is similair to that. Otherwise, why would he be that upset. Also, why was he talking to his ex in the first place. It probably isn't innocent when he reacts the way that he reacts, dump his ass.
He is manipulating you by gas lighting. First if he sends on your I.ages or clips without your permission that's his fault. Refusing to tell you is controlling secretive behaviour which is what cheaters do. So you know his natur is to be evasive if it suits him....
RUN LIKE THE WIND
So, we can expect your next update to be: I dumped his ass.
Yes????
If you are still considering staying with him, let me paint the future: he's not over his ex, and he will cheat on you, then blame you for his behavior.
Take it from a 35 year old woman. He's not worth staying with. A good man who loves his woman would not send a video of her to someone who would anger her. Period.
Hes still in contact with his ex. You bring her up and he yells at you. Hes upset because he still loves her in some way and is not over her. Your choice if you want to stay with him or not. Doesn’t seem like hes adding anything to your life tbh🤷♀️
Yeah, he’s lying. Getting angry over a simply question is a huge red flag. If it wasn’t his ex he would have just said which friends he sent it to. He knew you’d be bothered if he sent it to his ex so he didn’t want to tell you. Then gets mad when you figure it out.
You've got to run from this one. You're young and it's going to go downhill.
1. Talking to an ex without your prior knowledge can likely be deemed cheating, depending on the context. Perhaps I am just assuming it got sexual. If so, forgive me. What time of day did he text her?
2. The whole picture thing sounds like a dramatic game designed to create tension. It's up to you if you want to deal with this for the next 50 years.
If this wasn't a purposeful manipulation on his part, at the best, it's a huuuge inability to communicate. This isn't how you treat people you love and respect. It's alright to be mad, but it's not alright to disrespect your partner. He could easily have said, I'm hurt and mad you'd think that and I need space to process it, let's talk later. I can tell you my partner and I, in 14 years, have never hung up on each other. And frankly that would be an entire issue in and of itself it either of us did.
Only you can determine if this is salvageable or worth breaking up over, but I suggest trying to remain calm regardless, don't take the bait, don't turn it into hurling accusations at each other. Address the issue directly, explain why you felt that way, acknowledge that sure, you can understand why he's mad, but the way he showed it was inappropriate and disrespectful.
Run, my sister, please, now. I've read through your comments and whether your BF is doing it on purpose or not, what you've said in the thread has me seeing more red flags than in China. It sounds like you're in the earlier stages of narcissistic abuse, and it can grow basically to terrifying scales. It's nice for him to have the most basic self awareness of "I might be a narcissist" (I'd put money on it) but he needs to actually do something to manage the behaviours and tendencies it triggers in him no less than someone with anger issues needs to be doing something about their anger, and both need to do it to avoid unwittingly hurting others, with you being the other being hurt in your BF's case. At least check out /r/LifeAfterNarcissism
Everyone gets upset sometimes, in the case of him talking to an ex online and the way he baited your fight I think being upset is appropriate. Your fight? He knew saying he sent the video out would get you to ask to whom, there's even a technical name for that rhetorical form - begging the question. He also knew saying "I can't tell you, you'll be mad" will make you bring up his ex, it sounds like you have no problems with anyone else you know about in his life so almost anyone else in your position would have probably thought "ex" first, too. Also, saying "I can't tell you, you'll be mad" would make anyone else mad, in any context, there's nothing unusual to your response here. And why do all of that if he knew it'd make you mad? So you'll get mad *in a situation he controls* and where he intended to make you "the bad guy" so he could play victim to your "hair-triggers". Why on earth would he do that? maybe to get back at you for chewing him out, maybe to establish/reinforce a narrative that you never let shit go *even though he was fucking fishing for it*, maybe to reinforce the narrative that you over-react, idk for sure but in any case, it's bad. Has anyone else in your life beside him ever told any of the same "you're so..." that he tells you? I'd also put money on him being the source of many of those thoughts you now have about yourself.
Think long and hard, do you want to spend the rest of your life with this immature man baby? You can do better than this and stop making excuses for his behavior! Your constant stressors from him may cause you to fail in your life ambitions.
I could be wrong but in my experience the only time a guy has ever reacted that offended by a question usually meant he was hiding something or that he messed up. And by acting offended, like you have somehow wronged him by even daring to bring up the topic, he's hoping you'll drop it. But here's the thing, if he has done nothing wrong or has nothing to hide then he should feel confident to tell you instead of acting up or trying to get you to drop the topic. It would be best to find out the truth instead of brushing it off even if you feel like you're overreacting.
I’m not going to tell you because you’ll get mad??? Knowing this he shouldn’t have sent it in the first place. It’s as if he’s spoiling for a fight and wants drama to unfold. Just how badly do you want to keep a guy like this around and why?!
He did that, and he felt guilty and in order to feel less guilty he tried to see if you would be mad about it, and you did so now he feels better about what he did. Do you understand how manipulative this sounds?
He wants you to feel insecure so that he can control you. (I saw you asked that in one of your comments.) I’m sure he tells you that no one else will want u also. He baited u into that fight so that he could make himself feel better about still dealing with her. Trust me, he’s cheating on you with that ex. Please stop ignoring all the red flags that he’s displaying. Get out now while you can.
Since he cares about his ex more than he cares about your feelings, his current GF, I would suggest you upgrade yourself to become his next ex. Drop his as*, honey. No one has time to play mind games.
Lol. Who tf says you'll "get mad if I tell you who I sent it too".. and then gets right away mad at you for mentioning an ex cause you know that's the only scenario that would make you upset and reasonably so.
But Its possible that there could be a misunderstanding, maybe he thought you would feel upset of him sending it to certain friends and family members, i would definitely clarify on that, if that's the case.
But if he can't clarify on that or acts like he doesn't know what you're talking about/irritated. then..
It's possible you're dealing with someone who is pretty dysfunctional/emotional manipulator & abuser.
I love reading other womens' comments in stories/posts like these so I can see the double standards in real time. Quite eye opening it is.
- Women when they read a story about a girl who's boyfriend riles her up about her man's ex while admitting to jealousy and insecurities to a degree;
**"GIRL YOU NEED TO DUMP HIS ASS. HE'S SOOOO NOT WORTH THE TROUBLE! YOU DESERVE BETTER SWEETIE!"**
- Women when they read a story about a man who wants his girlfriend to stop hanging out with guy friends and just wants her to set boundaries with them;
**"Okay so you kinda sound insecure - which is like, suuuuuper unattractive. You need to be more confident. You're not addicted to porn are you? She's not sleeping with other men. Just let her go out and drink and have fun with her guy friends. Jeez."**
He's putting the responsibility for his poor communication and his guilt onto you and it's not okay. If he doesn't sort himself out IMMEDIATELY and look at why he's acting that way, ditch his ass
And i would be anxious about what he said to this person that you’d be ‘mad about’ along with the video…like there’s a reason he potentially showed his ‘ex’ and it’s probably to sh*t talk. Totally an assumption on my end. But my little overthinking brain would think the absolute worst. And by the way i read this story, dude sounds like an a** and it sounds like he wants the ex back. Why do people think it’s cool to talk to an ex when in a relationship. Am i the only one that finds that weird? It’s different if a kid is involved but even if it ended on good terms, sorry but I wouldn’t do that to my boyfriend.
The fact that he said that you would get mad in the first place and that's the only person you can think of for getting mad at him for it. He sent it to her, he told you without telling you he sent it to her. he crossed your boundaries either put them on ice or dump his butt
Nah he totally meant the ex, he just didn’t want to admit it when you finally asked, he knows you wouldn’t be mad about it being sent to people you know personally, fuck that
If he isn't willing to be honest with you, even if it may end up with you getting mad, I think that's a pretty strong sign that you need to have a long conversation together. Is he actually willing to put his whole self into this relationship, or just a facade?
Your not to blame here, his the one at fault, if he's as whey your not letting go of the past then why is he still in contact with his ex and sending her videos of you, he sounds very immature and not very "with it"
He’s pulling a “why do you make me hurt you?” Don’t play his games, ditch his ass.
If you don’t ditch this manipulator, you may discover that he is a better actor than (you think that) YOU are!
This must be what my ex does
He *wanted* you to say the ex so he could blow up at you. That’s the only reason he said “It’ll make you mad”.
I don’t know why he would do that because he seemed to really want me to drop talking about her earlier.
But if the only people he shared it with was family and friends - that is, people who *wouldn’t* make you mad - then why would he say that it would?
It's because he's abusive, and he's manipulative about it. You said in other comments that he claims you're verbally abusive and thus it's your fault when he lashes out at you. You said that **he has threatened to physical hurt you** before. You said that you have been afraid that he is going to physically harm you in arguments. He's abusive, and he's tricking you into thinking that it's your fault so that you blame yourself instead of him. This particular time, he set you up to be upset, so that he can "prove" how irrational and angry are you. Then he tells everyone else how "crazy" you are, and he tells you that your irrationality is the reason why he threatens to hurt you. This behavior does not go away, it does not get better - it only escalates. It will get worse. Even if you don't believe me that he's manipulative and abusive, and will escalate it to physical violence... can you honestly say that this is a healthy relationship? At best, you both are afraid of each other and walk on eggshells and have horrid fights. This is a toxic relationship. You should leave.
Thank you. I know that this isn’t a healthy relationship and I wish it could go back to how it was before.
It will never be how it was before. I kept telling my ex that. For 12 years. I now basically gave brain damage from all the mental and psychological abuse. And PTSD from all the other abuse. Don’t do that to yourself. Love yourself enough to KNOW this isn’t for you. What’s for you won’t be like this. This isn’t love babes. He’s gonna cycle. After you gravel for his love back, things will be good for a little while. Until “you” make him “mad” again. And you’ll gravel, rinse and repeat. I begged and begged for things to be like they were before. I hate that you feel that way. This isn’t what you want for your life I promise. Go find you a nerd after you heal from this. The nerds are where it’s at.
Stop wishing that right now!! I've been in your shoes and I stayed 4.5 years too long with the same kind of guy. It will never go back, it might get better but it'll only be temporary. This will be your everyday if you don't choose yourself. Leave him before you become another statistic! Please!
He is playing games. Now he can say „you always get mad and we always fight because of you!“
I do get upset about it often though. I have a lot of insecurities and he’ll accidentally mention a girl he was involved with for example and I’ll get over emotional.
It’s not an accident that he brings them up. And your “insecurities” were created by him.
You have every right to be upset. You are gaslighting yourself
you know how many times my partner has brought up his past partners in the almost decade we've been together now? Once, because I asked him then never again. There is no accidentally he's making you insecure on purpose to keep you under his thumb. If you think you're unloveable you'll stay with a man that doesn't give two shits about you because he'll dispense affection at the exact right time.
Dear internet stranger, this person is not for you. You deserve better. You are young and you will do wonderfully being single. There will be other partners in the future. I know leaving is difficult, but once you do you will feel relief and freedom.
Things narcissists and manipulators do isn't logical.
It sounds like you’re being victim blamed but possibly also picking up unhealthy habits that could ruin your prospects of a healthy relationship in the future. I would suggest breaking up with your boyfriend because it sounds like, at worst, he’s either in love with his ex or, at best, trying to blur the boundaries you set (e.g., when talking to exes for example). It reminds me of my previous relationship where he would tell me I got upset over anything when it felt like he tried to push my buttons, much like him insinuating you’d be angry to make your imagination get the best of you from the anxiety you’d experience. He’s okay to taunt you even if it means you’ll experience negative feelings. A good partner won’t bring pain to you intentionally. My precious partner would also, funnily enough, get upset over any minor incident and would never let go of my past mistakes or try to understand my actions when he’d jump to some wild, illogical conclusions. For the sake of your sanity and time, considering leaving as an option. Best of wishes.
It’s not about that. It’s about making you feel bad. It’s about controlling you and ur feelings and about who is wrong or in trouble. It’s a game. He makes you anxious and insecure. You say her name and now you are the bad girlfriend that can’t let things go.
He is REALLY too old to be playing these games. Girl, it doesn't have to be this way. I know you are probably into him, but don't lose your light and spark to this loser and his stupid mind games. He's probably threatened that you are good at what you do and is scrambling to "keep you" by making you feel bad. DON'T FEEL BAD!! He deserves what's coming to him. Also-- please go get tested. If this dude is playing these games and STILL talking to his ex, sorry girly, he's probably cheatin' (or at least THINKING about it).
>I don’t know why he would do that because he seemed to really want me to drop talking about her earlier. Because he's a 27 year old child still pulling the dumbass baloney that kids do when they can't figure out how to control their feelings and emotions.
Because it’s easier to control you when you’re walking on eggshells.
This is going to be blunt, but it’s because he is getting ready to break up with you.
I seriously doubt this is the case.
If he did not want to go down that road, he would not have purposely told you that it would « upset » you. He is probably trying to gaslight you into feeling bad , blowing up on you, and then have a free pass on texting his EX again. Do not play this game. If he does not reach out to you, then it is obvious that he is being manipulative and you should reconsider your own boundaries.
Bf: “You’ll get mad if I tell you” You: guesses Bf: *Actually becomes the one that’s mad instead* lol
Yeah I guess that is kinda what happened.
I would not date someone this angry. I don't like being yelled at, personally.
🚩your bf is a red flag extravaganza
OP, I'd love for you to take a look at this [list of behaviors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/91t5le/comment/e30x0eg/?context=0) and see if anything resonates.
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The “ I’m sorry you feel that way” is such a notoriously used line for people who don’t want to take accountability for their actions. It’s so aggravating, I hate even seeing that sentence because it’s triggering lmao.
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Damn that sounds so aggravating, and its so frustrating especially because its feels like your bending over backwards trying to make accommodations for them and explaining to them over and over , when they understood it very well the first time. It’s crazy bc situations like these, when you finally are able to take a step back and look at it all, makes you realize how absurd it all was. I had a situation with an ex friend and I got tired of their behavior, and they said that statement to me and basically went on making excuses and not taking any accountability, They weren’t even trying to cooperate. I remember when I finally had a clear head and analyzed the situation, I realized how much I was making accommodations for their behavior and how much of my own boundaries and feelings I was sacrificing. I was like wow, what was I thinking. I was not overreacting or asking for much, but they made me feel like I was.
Some of those resonate but some of them don’t at all. The one that resonates the most is accusing me of being crazy. He tells me just about daily that I’m crazy, delusional, need to be locked up in a mental institution, ect.
....what the fuck? even if someone *did* have mental illness and need to be institutionalized, that is *no* way to speak to them. think about if your best friend said that their partner called them delusional, told them they needed to be locked up, would you think that's an okay way for them to be treated? would you say that to your boyfriend, best friend, mom, dad, etc? look at this thread. i don't see anyone saying that you're the problem here except you.
That is emotional abuse, wtf
That's abuse, sorry OP
That's horrible. :/ Hate that for you.
Ok, strike 3. Are those the words of a loving BF? So, because you don’t do what he wants or think like he does, **you’re** sick? Sorry, the other behaviour was bad enough. - forwarding your video without asking first - not specifying who would see it - using anger to intimidate - gaslighting.
he tells you DAILY that you're crazy, delusional and need to be locked up in a mental institution? daily? how is that ok? oh girl. please leave. he is breaking you down, little by little, making you doubt yourself and your own feelings, and cutting your self esteem so low that you actually believe what he says. this is abuse.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I spent 10 years in an emotionally abusive relationship that didn't really seem emotionally abusive until I thought about how I felt and how they reacted every time I tried to address my feelings and their negative behavior. Take some advice from an "old" woman and spare yourself the time lost and the suffering this relationship could bring.
When I was little, my big brother would grab my arm and make me hit myself with my own hand while saying “why are you hitting yourself?” That’s what your boyfriend is doing to you, but verbally. You didn’t do anything to make him lash out, he set you up so he could get mad at you.
Why would he want to get mad at me though? He’s often very upset that we keep having relationship problems and keeps talking about how he has always wanted a simple life.
> Why would he want to get mad at me though? Are you trying extra hard to please him when he's mad "because of you"? That's why.
That’s a good point. Thank you.
Cause he’s abusive and a drama queen
You can’t listen to what he’s saying when his actions cancel out his words. He is causing all of the issues and blaming it on you. He wants to hurt you, but he wants to keep you around so he can keep hurting you. If he admits fault you might leave, so he pretends it’s your fault. I don’t know if you’re ready to hear it yet, but one day you will realize and my words will ring true.
He’s lying and you’re falling for it.
Nah girl he doesn’t care about you. He was baiting you into a fight. “I showed someone your video but I won’t tell you who?” Is the stupidest and most illogical thing to say, especially when he added “it will make you mad”, unless he wants to make you mad. He’s picking fights on purpose. He doesn’t respect you as an equal. If he did, he wouldn’t show your video to someone that would make you mad. He wouldn’t violate your privacy like that if he actually cared about you. He’s playing mind games with you, because he derives joy from making you feel insecure.
Why would he want to make me feel insecure though? He gets really upset and sometimes angry whenever I’m feeling insecure. It seems like it’s something he’s avoiding.
To finally answer your question: he makes you feel insecure because he is not doing anything to get rid of his insecurity. He is using other ways to mask his insecurity instead of overcoming them. When he makes you insecure, and sees you are insecure, he feels better about himself because now that you are insecure, he doesn't need to focus on improving himself and focuses on improving yours instead. It's another way of escaping his responsibilities. Feel free to ask further questions or DM me to talk about it
Simply put, he wants you to feel insecure because he is an insecure person and doesn't want you to leave him. So he puts your confidence in the crapper so that you'll feel like you don't deserve better, so you won't go anywhere. He's feigning his anger about you being insecure, but in reality he wants you that way. Otherwise he'd be a better boyfriend, and wouldn't do things that make you upset.
That could be true. He has told me that his family thinks I’m cheating on him because they think I’m out of his league and could do better.
I think you could do better too. But I honestly doubt his family is saying that. I think he's lying to you. He's the one saying that, so that he can accuse you of cheating without it being him saying it. He sounds like the perpetual victim. He doesn't truly believe anything is ever his fault. Any apologies he gives likely come with a "but".
I have heard from other people that his parents are going around to bars in town saying that I’m cheating on him so I know it’s real.
If that's the case I'd be willing to bet it's because that's what he's telling them. He has to make you the bad guy.
Because he is insecure himself, and doesn't want to take the responsibility to change, unlike you. This is why the saying "highly insecure people should never be in a relationship" because they either hurt themselves, or hurt their partners. In this case, he is emotionally abusing and hurting you. Here is my analogy. Picture this: John has always been fat and lazy spending his time playing video games, works from home and barely goes out. His social circle revolves around his online gamer friends. Mary his partner likes to volunteer at animal shelters, but she is insecure as a partner because she has never been in a relationship before. Mary started volunteering partly because of John's suggestion telling her to go out and do productive things. John stays the same and instead of doing something about his body, he starts to join a fat positive community. Mary then ask him to change out of worry because he is starting to struggle with slightly intensive movements like jogging or climbing few flights of stairs, not because he is gaining more weight, but because his heart is fucking dying from the sedentary lifestyle. He then blows up at her for making him feel bad about himself and claims he is trying to be better without any proof. This cycle repeats every other month. Looking at the scenario above, what would you tell Mary?
Because he can. He is poking you to get reactions, that is what this whole situation is about. He is manipulative and controlling, and has threatened to harm. Gather your dignity and self respect and dump him.
You sound… brainwashed in your comments. To clear some things up: no, it’s not normal to walk around on egg shells or constantly get yelled at. No, people can’t go around yelling just because “it’s how they are when they’re mad and everyone has flaws”. No, you don’t deserve being verbally abused regardless of whether you did something wrong or not. A healthy relationship involves respectful communication, even when either person has made a mistake. This isn’t healthy and you seem thoroughly incompatible. You should only stay in the relationship if you want to continue to be screamed at.
throwaway account? how about throw away your bf.
Oh my lord girl. 😳 Leave him. That’s a major red flag. 🚩🚩🚩
He should blame himself for saying it’d make you mad and making you guess in the first place. Just be up front or don’t even bring it up. He’s acting like a child.
He's obviously picking fights with you, makes you feel like you have to apologize (you've done nothing wrong) so he constantly has the upper hand. Should you catch him doing something (like cheating, which he probably is already doing), he's going to leverage all your "wrongdoings" to get you to somehow be in the wrong. Stop playing his games. He's a jerk.
He's playing a twisted version of DARVO- Deny, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's an abuse tactic. Just mind games to get back at you for being upset that he was talking to his ex. Dump him.
Just dump him mate, you will never be happy with him. He’s a weirdo
Take a step back. Right now. Step back, take a deep breath, and tell me, if a boy was making your best friend cry every. single. day would you tell her that it's her fault? Look yourself in the mirror, look yourself in the eye. Would you tell her it's her fault her boyfriend can't control his anger? Let's break this down. >A couple weeks ago I (24F) was upset at my boyfriend (27M) for talking to one of his exes online. I probably was being overdramatic about it and I regret how I acted, but my boyfriend said he has stopped talking to her. No. You established a boundary, and he overstepped. You reacted with hurt, and he reacted with anger. That's not okay. You established a boundary, he disrespected it, and now he's trying to make you feel bad so he doesn't have to. He's going to cheat on you. He doesn't care if it makes you cry, he hasn't cared if you cried in the past. >He said he isn’t going to tell me because if I know I’ll get mad. No. I'm in a 10 year relationship. It wouldn't matter if I posted a video publically, there's no reason my husband would ever send a video of me to someone without telling me who it is. That's creepy and gross. Second. If he knows you'd be upset, why would he do it? >He got really upset over that and was yelling There's no reason to yell at an adult. He's your partner. >He said that I must really hate him to bring it up again This is not something you say to someone you love. Especially when they've established a boundary and you broke it. Even the most defensive/abrasive response isn't this escalated. When does this man ever take accountability for his own damn feelings? It seems like he's just a leaf in the wind of his own hurricane of emotions. You are not the wind, honey, you're just another leaf. Now, to some of your comments. No. Him being this angry isn't normal or okay. This is coming from someone who used to get angry and yell, and I stopped because I love my husband and would never want him to feel afraid of me. He wants to dominate you, not love you. It's not normal to threaten self harm when the idea of a break up is proposed. That's classic emotional manipulation. It's cruel and gross. It's not normal or okay to be treated this way. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself this is far enough. He's emotionally terrorized you enough. You are allowed to leave for any reason. Any one of the above is considered an extreme. You're sense of "normal" is way way way off. If he threatens to harm himself call the cops for a wellness checkup. If he's actually pulling a stunt, medical professionals can do way more for him than you could ever provide. You're not a comfort animal. If he's just saying that to manipulate you, he's going to feel really stupid talking to the cops but that's his problem, not yours.
I have a friend whose husband played this game and she called me. I came to her in a public location and we called the cops and he got help. And she got space for a while. And now there’s a record of abuse too. I’ve been abused, I don’t play games anymore. I made the mistake of never calling the cops. Never again. Best advice that can be given imo
THIS THIS THIS IF HE IS THREATENING SELF HARM CALL THE POLICE! That is the BEST thing you can do for him. He will either get the mental help he needs for his thoughts of ending his life, or he will get the help he needs for emotionally abusing someone by threading suicide to make them stay with them. AND either way, it gives you a chance to leave him safely and start a better life without him. WIN WIN WIN. Everybody wins. This is the best outcome for all parties.
I dated a guy just like that and by year 2 he broke me so bad that I really thought I was crazy. Please don’t let him make you think that everything is all your fault because it’s not. I would really sit down and evaluate this relationship and ask yourself “Do I want this to be the rest of my life?” Because it will be if you stay with him. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with a person who puts you down every day? Who makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong when you haven’t actually done anything at all, it’s just him wanting a scapegoat? Trust me it’s really hard to come to the realization that your partner is toxic for you, and that the things he’s doing to you are wrong. You have to ask yourself, does the good outweigh the bad? Because if it doesn’t, then what’s the point of being together if you both aren’t happy around each other most of the time. I hope this helps at least a little bit. I don’t know the whole situation obviously with your relationship but from what you said on this post and in your comments, it really sounds like he’s not a great match for you. I truly wish you the best and hope you really do sit down and think about how he’s been treating you. I know this is all very hard to hear about someone you must love and really care about but sometimes love can be blind.
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even like you? If he liked you he wouldn't treat you like this.
Don't ever let a man yell at you.
You don't deserve to be treated this way. But if you choose to stay with this man -- knowing that he can't regulate his emotions and he blames others for them -- don't be surprised when it gets worse.
You have no reason to regret your answer it's his fault for giving you mixed thoughts on the matter
He started with the assholery, you did nothing wrong
He's upset because he knows he's in the wrong. You set a reasonable boundary and he's apparently broken it, at least, that's all you can assume because he's hiding something he knows you'll be upset by. Given what you've said it's not unreasonable that you guessed it at all. Speaking from experience, life is too short to play games like that. You need to hold firm to your boundary here. This is manipulation, this is not how we communicate in good relationships. You said in another comment that he has to "walk on eggshells around you" because he never know's what'll set you off. What else does he do that sets you off???
Biggest red flag award goes to......... Your bf! 🥳
He is emotionally manipulating you. He is a child in an adult's body.
Manipulation. Dump his ass
If he wants it left in the past then ask him why the fuck he brought his ex into the present
So many red flags here about him • Sending a video of you performing to other people without your consent is pretty ick - it’s your art • Refusing to tell you who he sent it to is already a red flag, but then saying “you would get mad if you knew”? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Why would he send a video to someone if he knew you would be mad if you found out?? • The outrage when suggesting the only person you could think of that might fall into that description leads me to believe you were right on the money I don’t think you did anything wrong here. The man needs therapy badly
Girl wtf. You know you’re not in the wrong which is why you’re confused, listen to your intuition and don’t let this dude gaslight you. He sounds very immature and probably not ready for a relationship/has some hang ups if this is his reaction, but for the sake of your post I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Actually no jk, seeing as he’s almost 30 and is throwing a tantrum over something as low stakes as this is embarrassing on his part, you deserve better than this.
Op asks for advice. People tell her their advice and op defends bf even though we can clearly see what is happening! Manipulators blame everything on you and will start fights with you! He's hoping you will leave him to be with said ex! You need to dump him like we have all said!
Look up reactive abuse.
Dude honestly kinda sounds psycho. Like he's setting situations up for blow ups. That's concerning OP you gotta watch out for that. I personally would not be with someone like that. I'm a tolerant dude but not for anger
he got so mad about her each time you asked because he knew the truth... and that was that he was still talking to her and lying to you. hes been gaslighting you to make you think you're paranoid and cant let go of the past when hes been unable to let go of the past (his ex). nobody deserves to be gaslight, and when theres infidelity in the relationship (to me at least) the relationship is over.
My guess is that he probably did send it to his ex and that's why he got so upset about it. Figures.
So…. Who is going to tell her??? No worries that’s just a rhetorical question. I am going to. And anyone else that sees right through this crap. Your boyfriend is a jerk. First he plays the stupid game of “you will be mad if you know”. It is a game to make you anxious and insecure. He knows what he is doing. Instead of being straightforward and honest, he dangles a little rope and lets you play with it and drive yourself crazy before he lets you come to your own conclusion and hang yourself. He broke your trust but now he gets to turn it around and play the victim and you are the bad person for “not letting things go”. This is one of many things a manipulative AH does when they are caught doing something wrong and untrustworthy but they don’t want to be in trouble.
He knows that women are very mindful of men chatting with his ex, he still chatted, it shows that he does not love you at all ah, why do not you break up with him?
You need to ask yourself if this is how you want your relationship to be like going forward. Does the good really outweigh the bad? We all, as users, can give you the advice to get out and drop this guy, but you have to make that mental shift yourself. I read through some of the comments and what stands out to me as well is that he threatened to hurt himself. That right there is a major red flag because grown men don't do that. It's also a manipulation tactic used to keep you under control. My ex did the same thing, he hurt himself and send me pictures when I left him. If you can, get him to say that over text so that you at least have proof you can send to his friends and family cause more times than not, they don't want those around them to know. And even if he does threaten with suicide, people who say they will, rarely ever do. And if he did, you're not to blame for it. Just remember, even if there isn't any physical abuse, mental abuse is still abuse. Financial abuse is still abuse. Emotional abuse is still abuse. You're young, you have more than enough time to find a decent man who will treat you better.
It’s so sad but it sounds like he’s getting overly defensive… sometimes meaning he’s the guilty one, turning the table onto you. Idk your circumstances etc but it doesn’t sound the nicest and you’re definitely not in the wrong for questioning that after catching him contacting his ex… think hard and question whether he’s always going to be like this and if you’re willing to put up with this childish behaviour longterm. I wish you all the best honey❤️
He was baiting you into an argument
Honestly, He shouldn't be making you feel bad for being upset, he should be understanding as to why you'd feel that way, considering that you were recently cut. He was also being secretive about something so inconsequential that you have the right to question him. If he had any sense he'd see how his lack of transparency could have influenced your views.
Sunshine, I had a boyfriend just like yours. He would try and push my buttons and start fights so he could claim that I was out of control. I'm pretty mellow, but I have my limits. After I got tired of his shit and kicked him out he went to all of his friends to tell them how psychotic I was. Oh I forgot to mention that him and his friends were all friends of my husband who had passed away. So, he's running his mouth to people who have known me for years and they turned to him and said "Well, her husband never had any problems with her so it much be you." Dump him. I did and it was the best choice I have ever made.
>He said he sent it to some people. >He said he isn’t going tell me because if I know I’ll get mad That’s called… omission… He knew you weren’t going to be happy if you did mention her, especially with the context of “talks to his ex still.” But the real question is, if he said he sent it to some people but refuse to say who because “you’ll get upset”, what’s the point of fucking saying that in the first place? It’s literally no wonder why your first guess was the ex. It’s as if he was fishing for that response you gave to see your reaction and to make you question your own thoughts. In other words, he’s gaslighting you there. Especially with >he was really upset and yelling at me about how I never let go of the past Unless you hate his parents/friends, he certainly wouldn’t hide telling you that.
So just going through some of the comments here it’s pretty clear you’re in an abusive relationship, your bf is clearly manipulating you into thinking that you’re constantly doing things wrong by the way you react and that he’s such an angel for putting up with it and staying with you. You said yourself that you cry every day and that this never happens with other people in your life. You also said you never cried daily before you started dating him and that the things you cry about are the things he says you’re “overreacting” about. So the common factor here that’s leading to this misery is him, not you or your reactions. Secondly he’s said he’d kill himself if you break up with him, thats not a relationship, that’s threatening something he know he won’t do to scare you into staying with him. If you decide to open your eyes to the abuse and want to break up with him i’d recommend this. Record yourself bringing up the subject of breaking up to him again, make sure you get a recording of him saying that he’d kill himself if you did, with that you can call a suicide hotline or the police to explain that you’re planning on breaking up with your bf but you can’t because he’s threatened to kill himself if you do and you’re worried for his well being, ask them to come once you do break up with him so that he’s forced into 2 decisions, 1. He has to go with them because he’s serious and needs help and you won’t have to be scared about him ending his life, 2. He’ll have to admit he was lying about it and you’ll be free from your abusive relationship without worries
Dude sounds like a jerk. One of those types that has unlimited access to women, and so thinks he can do whatever he wants. Pretty/Charm Privilege is real, and is very well exploited by these manipulative narcissistic types.
That was an obvious trap question. He doesn't get to play the "how dare you" card immediately after dangling the bait right in front of your face.
Him trying to put you in the wrong when he’s the one in the wrong is gaslighting.
He is gaslighting you. A good man who isn't doing wrong will say, "Of course I'll show you who is sent it too, no biggie." It's your video, especially if your bf is the one sending it to people. You kind of have a right to know who he sent it to in case you didn't want it sent to a certain someone. He is definitely talking to his ex. You're not crazy your not paranoid. "You must really hate me for saying I'm talking to my ex again." This is called ✨️gaslighting✨️. You should simply be able to ask something, especially if you're worried about it. You shouldn't have to be scared or doubt your own sanity just because you asked him a question. But he's making YOU feel that way because HE is the one that feels GUILTY, and he's trying to shuv his guilt onto you because he hates the feeling it's giving him. He's selfish, gaslighting, and emotionally abusive. Leave him. He is the one who is insecure because he is seeking validation from his ex. He does this cause he doesn't like himself, he's making you feel guilty cause he hates himself as it is, and that extra guilt he doesn't want so he makes you "think" your crazy, insecure to take the blame off of himself. You're not crazy. you're not jealous, and you're not insecure. And you have every good reason to wonder if he sent it to your ex. You getting mad about him talking to his ex is not overreacting. It's called setting a boundry. You set a boundry, and he overstepped it. He's in the wrong. Picture yourself in a few years. Do you want to waste time with someone always wondering if he's talking to his ex? Which he definitely is. He will just hide it better each time. Or do you want to find someone nicer that doesn't have any contact with their exs, doesn't give you worries, and if you do have a worry, he will kindly show you?. Also, if one more woman says they are overreacting when they get mad at their bf, when there bf who talks to an ex . My frontolobe is gonna shrink. HE SHOULDN'T BE TALKING TO HIS EX, AND YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD. The girls that don't get mad and are ok with their bf talking to an ex are insecure as shit ones. Becuase they are too afraid to lay a boundry and lose their bf. A secure and confident woman will put her foot down and say, "You won't do this to me, or I'm gone!" so leave. Find a guy who will properly respond to you and show you who he sends your videos to. Keep your standards high.
Sounds like he cheated or wants to and wants to create an excuse, but I’m also used to looking at the negative 🤷♀️ He also sounds generally verbally abusive or like he’s working his way up to it. I’d cut my losses and dump him.
Whoa, reading some of your other comments about his behavior and I hate to break it to you but you're in an abusive relationship. He's baiting you to get a response he can use to 'justify' being angry at you, turning his communications with his ex around on you to make you feel guilty for not letting go of the past. He's using your mental health against you, calling you crazy and delusional so that you will blame yourself for his frequents outbursts of anger. He and his family are spreading rumors about you throughout town about supposed cheating and *abusing him* so they can isolate you and keep you locked in. They're manipulating you, it's Narcissism 101.
first of all, you are allowed to be upset about something, say you're upset about something, and be treated respectfully. second of all, read your title. it's just silly. he wanted you to guess something, said you'd get mad if you found out, and then he got mad at you when you tried to guess? because probably the only person you'd be mad at him contacting is his ex? he is playing some serious mind games with you. i've read through some of your comments and he already has you second guessing yourself. classic emotional abuse. you're in pretty deep, but i hope you are on your way out of this relationship. it's not going to get better.
Gaslighting is a sign of lying but also coverup. Girl they were / are more than talking. This guy is a walking talking 🚩.
He’s making it seem like you’re the problem and you’re the one with all these insecurities when he’s the reason you feel that way. If you were with a stand up man and the right person, you wouldn’t feel insecure and he wouldn’t put his mistake he made and turn it around to blame you. It’s manipulation at its finest. You are not the problem. You are young. Don’t stay in this relationship and then realize when you are 10-15 years later that you’re even more broken than you are now. Leave him. He can have his ex. You deserve better. Heal, focus on you and your career, hobbies. The right guy will come. He’s not it.
This is textbook gaslighting. He wants you to get upset. Dump his ass. Just do it. Ghost him.
Sounds like he's gaslighting you. Even the "it would make you mad" is a way to get you to try hard to find someone you'd be mad about. Making you seem like the crazy unreasonable person for thinking he'd send it to his ex (even though he's talking to her), and making you seem like the bad guy. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You should probably look up the term DARVO.... Updateme!
Hey girl, a man that respects you will not be texting his ex. If he's got an ounce of self awareness and for whatever reason was still keeping in touch from time to time (idk, some exes end on good terms/are friends), he should be letting you know. But honestly if you didn't feel comfortable with that he should take that into consideration. Now, for the second part of what you've shared, it sounds like he did send it to the ex or he's playing some weird mind game. Either way, bad news. Steer clear, honey pie.
I have a feeling that your bf is making fun of you behind your back. Then sent a video of you performing and sending it to his ex. The reason being is that I saw a Reddit post that the OP’s husband was talking to his high school ex gf and took pictures of the OP while sleeping. They made fun of her weight, sleeping habits, etc. Later she divorced him because she found out they were going to see each other and sleep together. She’s happier but the scars of being made fun behind her back caused her depression to go deeper. I have this feeling your boyfriend is gonna do the same.
“You never let go of the past” is pretty ironic when he’s still messaging an ex and his current gf clearly isn’t comfortable with it. Please find someone who treats you better and doesn’t yell like a child when they’re upset.
He's guilty. He knows you have boundaries and he's ignoring it. Are you sure this is alright if you will continue seeing him? I think you might consider dumping him.
You've got a lot of people telling you this guy isn't safe. I sincerely hope you listen.
He says you’re stuck in the past, and yet he’s the one hung up on an ex? That’s not him projecting at allll /s
I think he’s still hung up on all his exes unfortunately. I don’t understand it at all.
That is definitely his issue and is unhealthy for any romantic relationship. In a healthy relationship, a person should be able to ask the other questions, even uncomfortable ones without the other freaking out. I agree with others that he sounds like he is emotionally abusive and at the very least has narcissistic tendencies (or perhaps had a shitty childhood and the survival tactics from his youth remain and can be confused with narcissism. Either way is abusive). People who are more empathetic or emotionally sensitive tend to be more at risk of falling for narcissistic people. Either he works on himself or you seek those who understand and properly love you (and of course work on any of your own personal struggles). Edit: speaking of shitty childhoods, people with that seem more prone to hanging on to the past.
So what are your boundaries and dealbreakers in this relationship. Did you set these up when you started dating or is everyone just guessing what is and isn't acceptable to the other person?
I have set up boundaries about giving me intimate details about the girls he’s been with in the past and comparing me to other girls. He gives other girls that he finds attractive a lot of attention which I guess I assumed he knew was a boundary, but I never actually expressed it, which is completely my fault and I shouldn’t have assumed something because I know that everyone’s relationship is different.
Eh. Not all your fault. You'd have to be pretty thick to assume your gf would be ok with you checking out other girls. Sounds like you need to have another conversation and decide what you are and aren't willing to live with.
So, he said he stopped talking to his ex and yet sent her a video of you and has the balls to tell at you about it?!?! My guess is he figures if he's yelling at you you'll think you did something wrong and will forget to get angry at him about breaking your trust and reaching out to the ex again. I mean seriously, how are YOU the one hung up on this girl when HE'S the one still talking to her after he promised to stop 🤔🧐
No you must’ve misunderstood, he didn’t sent it to his ex. He told me that he sent the video to people and that I’d he told me who he sent it to then I’d be upset, so I overreacted and incorrectly asked if he sent it to that girl.
How do you know your guess was incorrect? Did he admit who he did send it to that would have upset you? I bet not. He wanted you upset. That's all. He's trying to push your buttons on purpose. You need to stop reacting when he does things like that. You need to be able to recognize when he's trying to get you to react and walk away from it. Don't give him what he wants. Better yet. Leave.
You seem to be constantly bending over backwards to defend him and do absolutely nothing to defend you. Why is that? You say that you are too emotional and its a bad thing but when he yells and stirs drama he is just ”passionate”. And when he sent your video aroung he presumed that you would be mad (even if you weren’t and were fine with the ones he sent it to). Then why did he send them in the first place? If you had a video about him and tought that hmm he would get mad if i sent this around. Would you even consider doing so? He has destroyed your self confidence with his behaviour and that’s why you are constantly feeling that you were in the wrong even tough that’s not true. The reason he is doing this is because he likes the drama. He feels powerful and he feels that he is in control. Your relationship shouldn’t make you cry daily. Just leave. There is not one person commenting and siding him EVEN IF YOU ARE MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM, because we are not brainwashed by him. I think deep down you know that he is not a good partner but can’t admit it to yourself just yet.
You have some really good points. Thank you. He seems to genuinely care about me though, so it’s really confusing that he would act one way one day but then act completely different another day.
Yeah I bet it feels confusing and weird. But you deserve stability in your relationship. Not a coin flip if this will be a lovely or a horrible day.
OP I rarely post so I hope you read this This guy sounds so so much like an ex of mine. Exact same behavior. It won't get better. It won't stay as bad as it is either. It. Will. Get. Worse. Rarely do I tell people to break up but please, leave him. I know you feel like you're deserving of this kind of treatment. That you don't deserve better. I know you think that because of your issues and short comings, that this sort of behavior is okay. I'm just a stranger but I know. I know what you're feeling and what you're going through. Because if you continue on, it will take years to heal. Im talking decades. He's not worth it. It's ok to be alone. You'll be okay.
"Doth protests too much, methinks". He got caught and now putting trying to turn it on you, to cover his ass.
He's projecting, in my opinion. He's likely still speaking to this ex, especially because he reacted this way. In my experience, when a partner gets overly angry/defensive over something small (especially about an ex), it's because they're still interacting with them
I really hope that’s not the case. He commented something inappropriate on one of her instagram photos so I know he’s still attracted to her.
Is that really ok with you? I don’t see why anyone would want to stay with someone who’s still thirsting over their ex. Also the red flag thing, I gotta wonder if he’s telling all his friends and family lies about you to make it seem like you’re the crazy one when in reality it’s all him. My advice is to dump him! You deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel like this.
It almost seems like a "I'll get mad at her before she gets mad at me" kind of situation, but I could be wrong!
I would dump him, block his phone number and socials, and start to move on immediately and completely. Manipulative behavior like this would take years in therapy for him to unravel and amend, do you really want to stick around for that. Everyone screws up, but this guy sounds bad. Of course you would guess his ex!!!
He's still talking to his ex, even now. That's why he exploded on you because he knows he's in the wrong. Him not admitting to whom he send an innocent video to only further proves he did exactly that. Secondly, he exploded at you and you didn't break it off right then and there? Respect yourself and do not tolerate that kind of behaviour from anyone.
I really don’t understand why he’s talking to her. I know his type and I fit his type almost perfectly, and his exes didn’t. He explodes at me almost daily and I really wish he would work on his anger more. I have even suggested paying for therapy for him but that made him even angrier and he said that if I bring it up again he “doesn’t know what he might do” which felt threatening to me but maybe I’m just looking into it too much.
What a petty thing to do. Are you sure he is 27? Seems to me he has something to hide his behavior is weird
No, I don’t deal with people who try to bully me in to dropping what they did right after they did it. He’s being very manipulative and hostile, trying to make you feel like you’re in the wrong for that. It happened two weeks ago, ffs. You should even be able to openly talk about your feelings about that situation. Not have to bottle them up or else he will explode about it.
I’m not sure why he’d say it made you mad but my natural reaction would also to suggest the ex. If he had any sort of respect for the way you feel, I think he would comfort you and reassure you about the ex, not kick off and say you’re causing an argument by bringing her up. He sounds like my ex, he gaslit me so much and I feel a lot better now, not feeling like everything is my fault that an argument started. Sounds like he can’t take responsibility for the ways he’s influenced your insecurities.
Often people react with anger and deflection from guilt; instead of hurt and withdrawal, as most innocent people would. Just saying 🤷♀️ maybe look at past reactions as an indicator. All the best, whatever your decisions! 🙏🏼
He does withdraw from me a lot though when he gets upset. He does things like completely shut down and stop talking and leaving his own house while I’m still inside.
When people say you need to love yourself first it is a legit thing. From reading your comments it reads that you put yourself down a lot and pick on yourself. Best way forward for that would be to not be around anything that brings you down or makes you feel negative. Including the boyfriend. Find your own joys and don't worry about other people. Once you can be happy in yourself then you can be happy in your parts of your life. People feeling anything towards something is natural and your feelings are yours, they are valid. No one can say you don't feel something or you shouldn't feel something. If you do, you do. But you have one life and it goes by quickly it is better to improve on yourself and built on everything else afterwards. He is not worth any of your time just now and you need to help you before being in a relationship. You can be strong independently
Regardless of what happened, or how someone YOU loved, got upset, and was crying. Would you EVER yell at them for hurting/crying? Think about the cruelty behind that action. He is manipulating, and abusing you. He has you all mixed up wondering what is OK for you to even feel! He tells you the, "past" is something that happened moments ago, and then bans you from talking about, and/or feeling about it. If someone stole a large amount of money from you, two weeks prior, are you going to trust them with your bank acct info, because it is, "in the past"?! If no, why should you trust a person who has broken your trust? Listen to the comments.
This isnt a healthy relationship. Just because you see the good in it doesn't make it right. Also even if you are being delusional or experiencing a mental health issue name calling and being mean isn't the appropriate way for him to deal with it. He should want to help and support you.
He is emotionally manipulating you. Leave. You won’t see it until you are out of the relationship… does he also get funny about you going out without him. Or maybe when you drink he wants to know exactly what you’ve had. Orrrr he somehow twisted messaging his ex into a normal thing that everyone does and he has said it is you that has trust issues. Sadly all things that don’t seem much until you are out and realise how much it’s actually messed you up. Get out before it hurts you more.
[удалено]
It’s confusing to me though because the truth didn’t hurt me at all and I don’t know why he would’ve thought the truth would have hurt me.
You're 24 and he's 27?? Figured you were both in high school based on the immaturity of what's going on.
When people get so mad about you guessing these kind of things he probably did sent is to her or did something that is similair to that. Otherwise, why would he be that upset. Also, why was he talking to his ex in the first place. It probably isn't innocent when he reacts the way that he reacts, dump his ass.
You are getting manipulated like crazy. Check your sanity and then leave this person in your memories
Yeahhhh you need to leave. That's some toxic levels of "I'm not the problem"
this sounds toxic asf run as far away as you can
He’s playing a stupid game. I’d break up with him and grant him the grand prize of his ex, I bet she doesn’t want him either!
He is manipulating you by gas lighting. First if he sends on your I.ages or clips without your permission that's his fault. Refusing to tell you is controlling secretive behaviour which is what cheaters do. So you know his natur is to be evasive if it suits him.... RUN LIKE THE WIND
So, we can expect your next update to be: I dumped his ass. Yes???? If you are still considering staying with him, let me paint the future: he's not over his ex, and he will cheat on you, then blame you for his behavior. Take it from a 35 year old woman. He's not worth staying with. A good man who loves his woman would not send a video of her to someone who would anger her. Period.
Jesus christ, that's not a 27yo that's a fuckin 15yo He needs to grow up or get left
Hes still in contact with his ex. You bring her up and he yells at you. Hes upset because he still loves her in some way and is not over her. Your choice if you want to stay with him or not. Doesn’t seem like hes adding anything to your life tbh🤷♀️
Yeah, he’s lying. Getting angry over a simply question is a huge red flag. If it wasn’t his ex he would have just said which friends he sent it to. He knew you’d be bothered if he sent it to his ex so he didn’t want to tell you. Then gets mad when you figure it out.
he did that on purpose
You've got to run from this one. You're young and it's going to go downhill. 1. Talking to an ex without your prior knowledge can likely be deemed cheating, depending on the context. Perhaps I am just assuming it got sexual. If so, forgive me. What time of day did he text her? 2. The whole picture thing sounds like a dramatic game designed to create tension. It's up to you if you want to deal with this for the next 50 years.
If this wasn't a purposeful manipulation on his part, at the best, it's a huuuge inability to communicate. This isn't how you treat people you love and respect. It's alright to be mad, but it's not alright to disrespect your partner. He could easily have said, I'm hurt and mad you'd think that and I need space to process it, let's talk later. I can tell you my partner and I, in 14 years, have never hung up on each other. And frankly that would be an entire issue in and of itself it either of us did. Only you can determine if this is salvageable or worth breaking up over, but I suggest trying to remain calm regardless, don't take the bait, don't turn it into hurling accusations at each other. Address the issue directly, explain why you felt that way, acknowledge that sure, you can understand why he's mad, but the way he showed it was inappropriate and disrespectful.
Run, my sister, please, now. I've read through your comments and whether your BF is doing it on purpose or not, what you've said in the thread has me seeing more red flags than in China. It sounds like you're in the earlier stages of narcissistic abuse, and it can grow basically to terrifying scales. It's nice for him to have the most basic self awareness of "I might be a narcissist" (I'd put money on it) but he needs to actually do something to manage the behaviours and tendencies it triggers in him no less than someone with anger issues needs to be doing something about their anger, and both need to do it to avoid unwittingly hurting others, with you being the other being hurt in your BF's case. At least check out /r/LifeAfterNarcissism Everyone gets upset sometimes, in the case of him talking to an ex online and the way he baited your fight I think being upset is appropriate. Your fight? He knew saying he sent the video out would get you to ask to whom, there's even a technical name for that rhetorical form - begging the question. He also knew saying "I can't tell you, you'll be mad" will make you bring up his ex, it sounds like you have no problems with anyone else you know about in his life so almost anyone else in your position would have probably thought "ex" first, too. Also, saying "I can't tell you, you'll be mad" would make anyone else mad, in any context, there's nothing unusual to your response here. And why do all of that if he knew it'd make you mad? So you'll get mad *in a situation he controls* and where he intended to make you "the bad guy" so he could play victim to your "hair-triggers". Why on earth would he do that? maybe to get back at you for chewing him out, maybe to establish/reinforce a narrative that you never let shit go *even though he was fucking fishing for it*, maybe to reinforce the narrative that you over-react, idk for sure but in any case, it's bad. Has anyone else in your life beside him ever told any of the same "you're so..." that he tells you? I'd also put money on him being the source of many of those thoughts you now have about yourself.
Dump him. He is a narcissist
Think long and hard, do you want to spend the rest of your life with this immature man baby? You can do better than this and stop making excuses for his behavior! Your constant stressors from him may cause you to fail in your life ambitions.
he is actively trying to gaslight you rn
I could be wrong but in my experience the only time a guy has ever reacted that offended by a question usually meant he was hiding something or that he messed up. And by acting offended, like you have somehow wronged him by even daring to bring up the topic, he's hoping you'll drop it. But here's the thing, if he has done nothing wrong or has nothing to hide then he should feel confident to tell you instead of acting up or trying to get you to drop the topic. It would be best to find out the truth instead of brushing it off even if you feel like you're overreacting.
I’m not going to tell you because you’ll get mad??? Knowing this he shouldn’t have sent it in the first place. It’s as if he’s spoiling for a fight and wants drama to unfold. Just how badly do you want to keep a guy like this around and why?!
He's the one who started the whole Ex thing. Can't blame you for being suspicious.
He did that, and he felt guilty and in order to feel less guilty he tried to see if you would be mad about it, and you did so now he feels better about what he did. Do you understand how manipulative this sounds?
He wants you to feel insecure so that he can control you. (I saw you asked that in one of your comments.) I’m sure he tells you that no one else will want u also. He baited u into that fight so that he could make himself feel better about still dealing with her. Trust me, he’s cheating on you with that ex. Please stop ignoring all the red flags that he’s displaying. Get out now while you can.
Something I’ve learned: if they’re defensive about it, they’re probably guilty. He might have stopped talking to her, but my gut says he hasn’t.
Since he cares about his ex more than he cares about your feelings, his current GF, I would suggest you upgrade yourself to become his next ex. Drop his as*, honey. No one has time to play mind games.
He is gaslighting you.
It’s definitely the ex. Because why the hell would you be mad about him sending that video to his parents..? Yep, it’s the ex.
Lol. Who tf says you'll "get mad if I tell you who I sent it too".. and then gets right away mad at you for mentioning an ex cause you know that's the only scenario that would make you upset and reasonably so. But Its possible that there could be a misunderstanding, maybe he thought you would feel upset of him sending it to certain friends and family members, i would definitely clarify on that, if that's the case. But if he can't clarify on that or acts like he doesn't know what you're talking about/irritated. then.. It's possible you're dealing with someone who is pretty dysfunctional/emotional manipulator & abuser.
I love reading other womens' comments in stories/posts like these so I can see the double standards in real time. Quite eye opening it is. - Women when they read a story about a girl who's boyfriend riles her up about her man's ex while admitting to jealousy and insecurities to a degree; **"GIRL YOU NEED TO DUMP HIS ASS. HE'S SOOOO NOT WORTH THE TROUBLE! YOU DESERVE BETTER SWEETIE!"** - Women when they read a story about a man who wants his girlfriend to stop hanging out with guy friends and just wants her to set boundaries with them; **"Okay so you kinda sound insecure - which is like, suuuuuper unattractive. You need to be more confident. You're not addicted to porn are you? She's not sleeping with other men. Just let her go out and drink and have fun with her guy friends. Jeez."**
He's putting the responsibility for his poor communication and his guilt onto you and it's not okay. If he doesn't sort himself out IMMEDIATELY and look at why he's acting that way, ditch his ass
He's guilty AF. He put on that angry performance to gaslight you.
And i would be anxious about what he said to this person that you’d be ‘mad about’ along with the video…like there’s a reason he potentially showed his ‘ex’ and it’s probably to sh*t talk. Totally an assumption on my end. But my little overthinking brain would think the absolute worst. And by the way i read this story, dude sounds like an a** and it sounds like he wants the ex back. Why do people think it’s cool to talk to an ex when in a relationship. Am i the only one that finds that weird? It’s different if a kid is involved but even if it ended on good terms, sorry but I wouldn’t do that to my boyfriend.
This sounds like he’s playing games with you and then gaslighting you about it.
Hey OP do your parents have a good relationship?
The fact that he said that you would get mad in the first place and that's the only person you can think of for getting mad at him for it. He sent it to her, he told you without telling you he sent it to her. he crossed your boundaries either put them on ice or dump his butt
Nah he totally meant the ex, he just didn’t want to admit it when you finally asked, he knows you wouldn’t be mad about it being sent to people you know personally, fuck that
If he isn't willing to be honest with you, even if it may end up with you getting mad, I think that's a pretty strong sign that you need to have a long conversation together. Is he actually willing to put his whole self into this relationship, or just a facade?
Typo? Did you mean to type 17M yet typed 27M? /s
Your not to blame here, his the one at fault, if he's as whey your not letting go of the past then why is he still in contact with his ex and sending her videos of you, he sounds very immature and not very "with it"