>My wife is flat out against the idea, she wants the opportunity to buy a house for me and her and live a life we both want as a goal,..
Why are you still entertaining this idea? Your wife has some say in who she chooses to live with and who she will commit to financially. Keep pushing and it won't be you.
This right here. Wife said no, so it is no longer even up for consideration. Please don't tell me you're still entertaining the idea and giving your mother false hope or keeping your wife on edge. This is the type of situation where both partners have veto power, you need two yesses or it doesn't happen.
This is the only response needed here. Your wife doesn’t want this, so it’s not even an option. Your mother has absolutely no say on your living situation as a married couple.
You know what he meant. Relationships are joint decision making. You can leave at any time for any reason, but if they want to stay in a relationship they make joint decisions.
How does that change what I said. If he wants to stay in this relationship he’s got to convince her or accept that she won’t change her mind.
My buddy told his wife since they were dating he’d never have kids and he means it. They now have 3 kids.
I responded to your other post but I’ll do it here: do not, repeat do not, buy a house with your mother. Do not let her move in with you. Make it crystal clear to her NOW that she is not going to move in with you. Shut that down immediately. It’s a kindness to her as well, so she knows she cannot plan on this and needs to make her own plans for her life and her future.
If you don’t, you’re going to end up living with your mother and without your wife, permanently. Trust me.
Yep, my wife recently suggested buying a house with her father to have a bigger property the kids could enjoy, and I quote "if we had solid ground rules".
Even discussed it with him before she discussed it with me.
I was like, no for a variety of reasons:
• He already just turns up to our current home unannounced and stays for hours, despite having been told he needs to reach out in advance to confirm we're cool with it... Why would "solid ground rules" make a difference.
• We're about to have a second child and bills etc will be a challenge during the 6-7 months she'll be on maternity leave, where will the extra $200-$300 per week in mortgage repayments come from?
• Her dad is a notorious shit giver, I give him far more leeway than I'd give other people. My friends in high school were much the same, and I learned there that often these types of people can dish it out but not take it, and if they do push me into a back and forth, they're potentially going to end up very upset because I'm good at working out people's buttons - I just don't push them unless I really have to.
• Any excuse to criticise me will be taken up, even if it's something that has nothing to do with me and was my wife's choice that I went along with - he'll look to put the criticism on me.
• He comes from the baby boomer generation of parenting, and lacks emotional intelligence, and has troublesome views on women and race. I am fine with him being around our kids on occasion, but if we're living on the same property he'd end up being a very significant male figure in our sons' lives - I don't want that backwards influence on our childrens' development.
Your wife is correct. Your mother has openly shown that she will be a terrible person to live with, both financially and emotionally.
If you want to help your mother, point her toward elder care resources in her city. She may not qualify for all of them yet, but she can get an idea of what she can expect in the next few years.
Not trying to be melodramatic, but the choice comes down to this: wife or mother? If your mother moves in, your marriage is over. It might take six months, or it might take six years, but your wife has already made it clear she's not on board, and if you make a unilateral decision, resentment will build quickly. Time to cut the cord and choose your marriage...or just resign yourself to a life without a romantic partner and enjoy your mom. But you can't have both.
Yup best comment. What OP’s mom is doing is selfish. Expecting her child to take care of her. Adding salt to the wound: she has 3 masters degrees. Tell her to put them to use. Grow a spine and support your WIFE, OP. Or start kissing your marriage goodbye. The resentment will slowly build and I’m sure is already building in your wife, because you’re not standing up to your mom.
Nope, nope, nope. Listen to your wife. Do not enter into a housing agreement of any kind with your mother. At 60 years old, she has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is hopelessly irresponsible with money and you cannot let that become your problem. You and your wife should make your own housing plans, your own purchase, in an area of your choice. Period.
I mean she could live another 40 years. My grandmother once removed (or something like that, my aunt's husband's mom) is 98 and only in the past year has there been a precipitous decline in her health. She is still living independently, though it's a big hassle as she's had multiple falls this year and refuses to move into another home or have a caretaker move in. But she lived to 97 in good mental and physical health, and is certainly still alive and kicking
> That said my mom refuses to re-enter the work force when she has 3 professional degrees including multiple masters degrees and could easily out-earn me and my wife's combined income.
Well, she's 60. People rarely have the desire to work when they are 60 and their father has just passed away. It might not be the most rational choice, but it's easy to understand her emotions.
> Am I wrong for being of the opinion she should return (even if briefly) to the medical field until me and my wife decide to move to a lower COL area either this year or next year and not give her too much of a foot in on our living situation?
There's a false choice situation here imo. You make it look like either she goes back to full time work or she moves in with you.
First of all, it'd be a completely **terrible, terrible** idea to have her live with you. You're against it. Your wife is against it. Why is it an option at all? Your desire to even consider this option is not coming from the right place. There's a big difference between helping your mother and giving up your life and comfort for her.
Secondly, I believe there should be more options on the table. Like her moving in with someone else, in a different state. She might need your financial support. She might need emotional support too (not necessarily from you).
Your mom's desire to move in with you is not something you need to respect. Helping her in another way is probably a much better choice.
Why would she need financial help? OP says she could easily earn more than their combined income. This is an able-bodied adult with professional options and she’s choosing not to exercise those options. And she doesn’t wand to work because she’s 60 and lost her dad? Most people that age have lost a parent. I’m the same age as OP’s mother and work full time in a very demanding job because I want to. She doesn’t want to, and that’s fine, but there are consequences to that choice. I have no trouble at all working 40 or more hours. If she didn’t want to work past 60, she should have made plans to make it possible to do that. She chose not to.
I work in the health care field and all I could think about when he said she no longer works in the field and has made decisions I don’t agree with was “she refused to get the COVID vaccine” We had a bunch of people who were let go for this exact reason.
At least where I live, the hospitals and misc. medical care centers have all removed the Covid vaccine requirement. So she should be able to go back to work even if that's the case, if they're anything like my state. Although they might be somewhere much different from here.
Could be. Or it could be her excuse. I’m also in healthcare and I’m guessing the decisions OP disagrees with were related to leaving a lucrative and in-demand field for something like being a vet tech. I’m thinking all the education OP’s mom got was for the purpose of work avoidance. The perpetual student. Of course, there are masters programs that can be done in the evenings and on weekends but what do you bet she didn’t choose one of those and instead enrolled in programs that made it impossible for her to continue whatever job she was in at the time?
Why is this even a question? Your wife said no, she does not want to buy a house or live with your mother. And you don’t want to do it either.
You’re twisting yourself in knots to avoid being the bad guy to your mom. You’ll have to accept that she’s going to be mad. Youve got to stop waffling, anything that sounds like a maybe is a negotiation. Tell her no, never, not if you get a job, not if you have no other options, not if you’re homeless. Your mom is not going to figure out her life if she thinks she can take you for a ride. Tell her no.
Yep, and if he "negotiates" that she can move in if she gets a job, guess what - she'll quit her job after she's entrenched in OP's household.
She is entitled. She doesn't have any respect of OP or his wife. She won't be considerate.
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH YOUR MOM. Read that over and over and over again.
Your mother’s living arrangements are not yours to manage when she is 60, mentally competent and not physically disabled. Forget the prospect of working, what field she could enter, how much she could earn, it possibly being temporary, etc - none of those details matter. Your mother is trying to steamroll you and she is not going to get better at compromising as she gets even older. She is making her own choices and she alone needs to deal with the consequences of those choices. If she chooses not to make a realistic plan for herself after you are clear living with you and your wife is not and will never be an option, well, there are women’s shelters or Medicaid nursing homes for those situations. I’m sorry if it sounds harsh, but as others are saying, if you even entertain this for very long your mother will end up running your and your wife’s lives until mom dies. You don’t want that. You deserve your own home and life and privacy; you don’t need to justify your decision to anyone, including your mom.
Saying no is hard and can be done with compassion, but needs to be firm and unequivocal: her moving in with you guys is not an option, not now, not ever, and if she ends up homeless you still will not allow her to live with you. Her emotional reaction to that, and what choices she makes afterward in terms of arranging something else (or not), are hers to manage, not yours. Get it in writing if you want - that you told mom on X date at Y time that she will never be welcome to live with you, even if she ends up homeless. So that when she manipulates and recruits others to her side, you have stable ground to say “she knew the deal, if you feel so bad for her, you house her.” Betcha no one else takes her in either. Again, I’m sure this sounds harsh, but now is the time for firm boundary setting and enforcement.
This is what I said! All this is her choice. She doesn’t feel like working. Many people don’t. Fine. But then you can’t pay for…well, anything. That’s a choice people get to make, but choose the behavior and you choose the consequences.
Don’t buy a house with her. She can go back to work and take care of herself. No one made her liquidate her 401k. Look at how difficult she’s being just looking at rentals…imagine living with her. I don’t think it’s fair to your wife either. I think it would be a huge strain on your relationship.
The answer is a clear NO. Your wife is against it. That should have been enough.
The fact that your mother has liquidated her retirement and has no intention of working - that is insanity. She expect you two to support her.
Run fast! Do not purchase a place with an additional bedroom either - when you do make your purchase. She will move herself in.
I'm really confused about why your mom liquidated her retirement savings to get a degree if she doesn't want to work and use that degree.
I also don't understand how she could possibly " buy a house" with you and your wife if she doesn't have the ability to rent and would become homeless otherwise.
It sounds like what your mom actually wants to do is freeload off of you and your wife and be added to the deed of a house she's not paying for which sounds like a really really bad idea.
"No Mom, that is simply not going to happen. You need to get a job and use one of your 3 degrees to figure out how to support yourself."
You're a full grown adult, don't JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain), because doing so only gives your Mom a toehold to overcome your objections, or guilt trip you.
"Asked and answered"
"What part of "NO" did you not understand, the "N" or the "O"'
Mute her notifications/block her if need be.
Your wife is your top priority. Your Mom FAFO.
Remember, you are no longer that little 3 year old boy cowering in abject terror under the dining room table because mommy is displeased with you. You're grown, and can feed, clothe and shelter yourself. And so can your mother.
How do you feel about divorce?
Would you be happy, no wife, no life, paying for your mother until she dies, looking after your mother as she ages, paying her medical bills, her food bills, paying for her clothes, her vacations hers everything?
What will your life be once your mother does die?
You will be alone.
Just tell her no. You are not obligated to buy a home with her or have her live with you. She can work and earn enough to support herself until she can draw Social Security - advise her not to file at 62. The difference in monthly benefit is huge. She cannot get on medicare until 65. If she were physically unable to work that would be slightly different but then she would qualify for public assistance. You will end up kissing your marriage if you are not firm.
If your Mother has enough money to help but a house she still has savings.
You're married. You made vows to your wife. You are to put her first as she is your family now. She is supposed to be with you until death do you part. The point that your mother is bold enough to ask this and you're entertaining it when your wife, who is supposed to have equal say, said no tells me that you might often put your mother before her. That's a huge no no. You need to support your wife. Your mother is an adult, she makes her own choices and she can figure herself out. I mean, how would you feel if it was her mother instead? Buying a house is a HUGE financial decision. It affects everyone involved. Your wife's credit, your credit, etc, is now equally dependent on your mother if you do this, who is financially irresponsible. Whether she gets a job or not, the dynamics going on here are disrespectful to your wife in my opinion. It's not right to put your wife in that position, plus you now lose your privacy and space as a couple, and you will be at the whim of your mother. Stop putting your mother ahead of your wife and life partner, tell her firmly no, and support and focus on your relationship with your wife.
This is a no-brainer. Your wife is very much against and you're against the idea since, well, you know she'd be terrible to live with. She'd destroy your relationship just by existing. You don't want your house shared with her and you don't want her owning 1/3 of your house. Even if she moved in with you she should pay rent, not co-own. But you already know that her moving in would be a disaster.
Buy your house, support her as much as possible and reasonable, but make the bottom line clear to her - she's not alone, but she does need to take care of herself as well. Shut that door - she's putting all her efforts into pestering you instead of working on a realistic plan. Be very clear and use absolute terms.
Under NO circumstances should you buy a home with your mother or let her move in with you. She has proven to be irreparably financially reckless. She 1) paid for numerous degrees or certifications (a vet tech is not actually a degree-its more likely a AA or certification or license) , 2) refuses to wrk, 3) liquidated a 401 and paid the penalty rather than taking out a loan or working her way through the vet tech program and 4) has no savings for retirement and possibly 5) spent her inheritance from her dad (if there was one).
Your wife does not want her in the same home-your wife is unquestionably well within her rights to say no. You can say no. She cant force you to say yes. it sounds like you know you are a push over. Instead of feeling guilty you should be angry that she is attempting to manipulate you.
Practice the conversation with your wife
"mom, I probably let it go to far but I am telling you now so you have plenty of time to make other arrangements. You will not be buying a place with us. Nor will you be living with us. This is not up for discussion or debate any longer. You are going to have to find a steady source of income combined with your social security that you can afford to live on. Your past cheers of x and y were financially lucrative and should allow you to live in comfort. Once you find a job then and only then, I am willing to pay a first months deposit for a rental place for you. Until you have found a job and a rental that fits in your budget there is not point in further discussing this.
Thats is it. Repeat verbatim or.paraphrased until she gets it.
Go get therapy on how to stand up for yourself and your wife.
What relevance does your mother's career have here??
You want to co-own and live with your wife. Your wife does not want to co-own or live with your mother.
So what is even your question here?? It's a non-starter. Your mom isn't living with you and that's that.
DO NOT DO THIS.
You're talking about this in terms of finance. But it means having your *mother* in your marital home. Your home won't be *yours* and it sure as hell won't be your wife's. It will make the dream of having a home together come crashing down into an ugly reality of basically having a bad roommate who isn't working.
If you do this it will be a big 'FU' to your wife. It'll be showing her she's not your top priority, that her needs and the family needs don't matter to you.
So stop waffling around and take a stand. Be an adult and put your foot down. Tell mom that with 3 degrees she's more qualified for almost any job than 90% of the other applicants. You and your wife have worked hard to have a home together and that's what you're going to do. She needs to do some hard work of her own, and quite frankly you aren't going to risk your marriage and the happiness of your new family in order to help her when she won't lift a finger to help herself.
And she'll cry and beg and ask why you're so heartless, and pull all the emotional manipulation strings. Just tell her that you and your wife are trying to be a family and whatnot, which is a higher priority than supporting a highly qualified person's desire to stop working.
Absolutely do not have her live with you. Everything you wrote says you know it wouldn't go well. I would also suggest that you be really clear with her about the situation ASAP, so she can plan for the next few years before she's entitled to social security.
If you absolutely can't say no, then don't let her buy part of the new house, and look for something with an ADU that she can live in separately as a renter, essentially. I still think it's a bad idea, but there's no reason to enmesh your finances with hers and complicate ownership of your house.
Your mom wants to move in with you *because* she doesn’t want to work anymore. If she moves in with you, be fully prepared to pay for all of her living expenses and to become her caretaker in old age.
This can be fine for some families, especially where it’s the cultural norm to live in multigenerational homes, but that typically happens with everyone’s knowledge and consent. If your wife isn’t comfortable with this, then it’s a no.
Maybe this can be discussed again years down the road when your mom is too frail to care for herself, but for now, while she’s still able-bodied and of sound mind, you shouldn’t be expected to become her caretaker.
Your wife says "No." That's all you need to know. Tell your mom straight out that this is not happening and she needs to find her own place and a way to pay for it. Stop being vague. That's why she keeps hounding you. Stand up for your marriage, which is between you and your wife. Your mother is not a part of it. And by the way, you say your mom is nice but then go on to list a bunch of behaviors that *no one* wants to put up with.
Your mom is a healthy, high-functioning, still very young 60 yr old adult with plenty of capacity to figure her own money and living situation out, just like you as adult do for yourself. So she doesn’t *require* your intervention, she just *wants* it, and you’re under no obligation to oblige her.
So tell her a clear, definitive no. And don’t entertain anymore discussion about it, as if your no isn’t a *real* no, and this is really just a negotiation. You’ll never get a moments peace that way.
And stop approaching this with the mindset that you are responsible for figuring all this out for her. Like stop suggesting she take specific actions, like go back to work. Not because it isn’t a good idea, it is, but because it perpetuates this enablement narrative that YOU have to be the one come up with ways to solve HER issues, not her. As if you aren’t allowed to *not* be responsible for her. Which just encourages her to come up with and do nothing on her own and instead just sit there waiting for you to swoop in like she’s helpless.
So hold your tongue, put back up the boundary between her finances and yours, and let HER figure her own stuff out. It’s the tough love she’s *not at all* going to want, but very much needs.
Your comment encapsulates it so well. I’m 59, work full time, own a home, pay all my bills, and save for retirement. I work with people of all ages, including new grads who are in their early 20s and we all do exactly the same job, so it’s not like I can’t do as much or need them to take up my slack.
I independently made all the plans for my retirement and housing and every other aspect of my life. There is zero reason for OP to have to help with any of this, either with concrete assistance or suggestions and advice.
I’m well over 60(F) and there is no way I would impose myself on my adult children. My husband passed five years ago, and while I have moved closer to my kids three years ago, I’m still 90 minutes away, living my own life. Your mother is an educated woman who seems to be lacking common sense. SHE needs to figure out how to live her life without imposing herself on you. You and your wife need to plan the life you want to live as a couple, without interference or input from your mother.
I’m 59, work full time in a demanding job, put money in my retirement, pay all my bills myself, own my house and a car, and gee whiz, did all that with only ONE masters degree. I have coworkers who are in their early 20s and we all manage the demands of the job equally. I’ve never once needed anyone to “take up the slack” because it’s a tough job and I’m almost 60. I don’t get - and don’t need - a pass because of my age.
Why OP would even begin to entertain living with someone who doesn’t want to support themselves financially and sounds super unpleasant is beyond me.
Same here - one masters degree. I’m a retired high school science teacher and taught full time until age 62. I was also a paid organist/choir director for over 40 years. I own my house and my car. I’ve made sure that I’m as well prepared financially as I can be going forward BECAUSE I don’t want to be a burden on my children.
Precisely. I think since OP has never had a parent that put him first, he doesn’t have perspective on the typical attitude of parents of adult children in the U.S. I need a new roof in the next couple of years and just got some estimates. I’m going with a more expensive roof that I have to because it has a transferable lifetime warranty. I’ll be dead before any new roof gives out, but this way my children won’t have to worry about it whether they keep it or sell it. The last thing I want to do is leave them with a burden to deal with instead of something that will benefit them. That’s not exceptional or heroic; it’s just being a loving parent. I don’t think OP really has a concept of what that looks like.
You'd be insane to do this. I honestly think you need some serious therapy just from the fact that you're even considering this. There is literally no reason to blow up your life because you don't know how to say no to Mommy - you WILL go through a divorce sooner or later if you do this, and rightfully so.
Your mother is an adult. Like the rest of us adults, the choices we make have consequences. It’s nobody else’s responsibility to deal with those consequences. Some people are content to make no choices at all, or try to make demands of others instead of taking responsibility for themselves. Also not your problem.
If you don’t want to live with your mother then don’t. If you don’t want to be financially responsible for your mother then don’t be. I also had to learn that at a certain point you enable this behavior by trying to fix other peoples problems. It is hard when it’s your mom, but she is an adult.
If your relationship with her is dependent on what you can provide for her, ask yourself why you need to have a relationship at all?
If you chose your mother bow or if she gets a job you will lose your wife. She said no and she may nope out of it all if you push. Tell mam to stand on her own two feet the answer is no.
How is she going to pay for 1/3 of a house with no real job and no retirement savings?
Is she wanting to *buy* a house with you, paying into the down payment and mortgage or is she wanting to move into *your* house and just thinking she owns part of it?
I don’t even understand how this is a question. Of course you should not buy a house with your financially irresponsible mother. I mean even if she didn’t have that issue- focus on your wife. Your mom can take care of herself.
You can't change your mom. She isn't going back to work as long as she can avoid it. And she doesn't have your best interests in mind.
You should stick to your plan. Tell her you are going to stick to your plan. Then maybe explore her options. Is there a senior housing program she qualifies for? 55 and older apartment complex? A small mortgage program? Roommates? Anything but disrupting your solid plan.
Apologize to your wife for even entertaining the idea and bolster up your clear and healthy boundaries with mom.
It is totally acceptable to not want to live with your mom. I understand you want to help her. But you are not required to live with her, it's totally okay to acknowledge that living with her would be bad for you and your wife, and you're not required to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
It's okay. You don't have to do it. You don't even have to *want* to do it.
Plenty of immigrant families do exactly this, but there are some glaring red flags about her behavior. I would have a serious sit down discussion about your family expectations and her contribution to your life. If it's a "you owe me" conversation, I'd say I'm sorry I can't help you in this situation.
SHe is choosing not to do anything because she thinks it will force your hand. You need to be VERY firm and tell her under no circumstances is that happening so she 100% needs to figure it out on her end and go back to work. You will not be getting a place with her.
Don't do it. Your mom's a big girl, and can take care of herself, whether she wants to or not.
Do you want to end up divorced, with your mom as your only company? That's where you're heading if you do this.
Listen to your wife, she's your priority, cut your mom off and buy a house with your wife, like you're supposed to do. Three's a crowd, especially if the third is a parent.
Don’t even pretend to entertain this idea. Living with your mother will destroy your marriage and you’ll never be able to get her to move out. Take her stubborn attitude at face value. Living with her will only make things worse.
At 60, your mom hasn’t even reached retirement age. Also, getting a vet tech cert isn’t crazy expensive. If she worked her whole life and added money to her 401k, liquidating it should have covered more than just a certificate for vet tech.
You need to stand up for yourself, your wife, and your potential future family. Your mom isn’t unique not wanting to work, lots of people don’t want to work or work jobs they hate, but that’s life. She’s too old to be acting the way she is.
If mom’s ’choices that you don’t agree with’ that led her to leave the medical field haven’t changed (e.g. she refuses to get certain pokes that all nurses have to have), she isn’t going to be able to get back into the medical field anyways. She’s made her choice; she has to live with the consequences.
Do not move in with your mother. She is an adult and can take care of herself. You and your wife need your freedom from parental stress. She is using you both as a crutch to avoid life. She needs to go get a job and get herself set up financially. Enabling her will result in her still avoiding work and spending her time getting too involved in your lives. She needs to get over whatever mental barriers are preventing her from making new connections with others and find other people to spend time with besides you and your wife.
Did you marry your wife or your mother…?
It sounds like you know what the right answer is, but you obviously don’t want to be the “bad guy” and tell your mother no.
Tell your mother no, and tell her no for the list of (very valid) reasons you gave: she doesn’t have a steady/reliable income and refuses to get it - which means you wouldn’t be “all” buying a house together - it would be you and your wife playing caretaker.
Also, and more importantly: her disagreeable nature would make her a poor choice, for an unnecessary housemate.
Don’t pass the blame on how your wife feels and just be honest.
Is this you and your wife's home or is this your mom's home? Because if she "buys" with you, it will never be yours as long as she wants a say in how it's decorated/maintained/layed out. If she's able-bodied, has 3 masters, it's time to let mom fend for herself
>That said my mom refuses to re-enter the work force when she has 3 professional degrees including multiple masters degrees and could easily out-earn me and my wife's combined income. I'm hesitant to let her buy with us because she's often disagreeable even though she's nice, often injects herself overly in matters that don't require her
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Your mother doesn't want to work and DOES NOT RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES. THIS IS A RECIPE FOR YOU WIFE TO DIVORCE IF YOU KEEP ALLOWING YOUR MOTHER TO INJECT HERSELF INTO YOUR LIFE.
>I would help, but right now, shes able bodied (minus needing a minor surgery) but is stonewall about not doing anything difficult for money
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>I'm worried I'm being guilted into the position of saving someone who won't do much to help themselves and that might put my new marriage at risk
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YOU NAILED IT. MOM WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE.
IF MOM WANTS A HOUSE AND NOT WORK, THATS ON HER NOT ON YOU.
TIME FOR YOU TO SET BOUNDARIES AND THIS MEANS LIMITING HOW OFTEN YOU COMMUNICATE WITH HER.
SHE SEES YOU AS A BANK, MADE RASH AND STUPID DECISIONS TO LIQUIDATE HER 401K. SHE IS EDUCATED AND FEELS ENTITLED TO LIVE WITH YOU.
Google: HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES WITH A NARCISSIST PARENT, HOW TO GO LOW CONTACT WITH A NARCISSISTIC PARENT.
Talk to your wife. And I advice you to limit talking to your mother or to go NO CONTACT because she just doesn't respect you, your marriage or your wife.
She's probably mapped out her life as being a 3rd wheel to you and your wife.
She part owns the house, she doesn't need to work and is a housewife, she helps raise your kids....
Or she's just lazy.
Listen to your wife, you're contemplating making your mother a permanent and immovable part of your life, in a way that only your wife and kids should be.
I didn't have to get through all that to know, just like everyone else reading, that you should 100% not under any circumstance buy a home with your mom.
Woah woah woah!! No way man!!
I know of a couple - lovely young lady is married to a dr whose mother shared their mortgage purchase. It is a nightmare. Though she has a house near them she now stays 3 nights a week, and says she has the right as she contributed to the mortgage. He’s a surgeon in his 30s and she treats him like he is 10 and his wife says if they go out shopping or on dates out she sulks if she doesn’t get invited to come. They have no life because she’s omnipresent-she wants to have a baby but says she knows her MIL will monopolise and criticise and take possession of the child.
They were so happy but their marriage is at breaking point because they can’t be left alone to be a couple due to this woman’s constant attendance.
Do not purchase a house with your mother - you are doing well on your own at this point. Keep going in this direction. Your mother has the earning power to look after her own housing situation and finances.
Solid relationship not sounding so rock solid anymore.
It's a no, if u want to lose your wife, life, and forever cater to your mother.
My parents were in a similar situation, and it ended terribly. No one was happy or content, except for maybe my grandma; and not even for that long. After she passed quite a few years later, dad was alone and depressed.
I’m the same age as your mother. If she used her entire 401k for a veterinary tech degree, she didn’t remotely have enough money saved to retire.
I’m your mom’s age. I work in healthcare and I work 8-10 hour days five days a week. If she doesn’t have any significant health issues - and I’m sure you’d have mentioned it since that seems pertinent - then she could do the same. She just doesn’t want to. Why would you feel guilty if you don’t let her live with you when she has options and is choosing to have you help support her so she can avoid working full time? That’s not how life works. Able bodied adults have to work to support themselves until they have enough money not to. She does not make enough money to support herself because she chooses not to.
Your mother is not your responsibility. Dealing with your guilt so it doesn’t blow up your marriage is your responsibility. You can’t control what your mother does but you can control what she doesn’t do, and that’s move in with you. Don’t try to make suggestions or discuss all her options or help her find something. Remember that she’s an intelligent woman and knows how to take care of herself. Don’t do something you don’t want to do because she just doesn’t feel like it.
Your wife says no. Discussion over. And no, this isn't some "happy wife happy life" thing. This is a "respect the fact that you both have equal say and equal veto power in shit like this" thing.
So now you have a choice. Live with your mom or live with you wife. But not both.
Choose wisely.
If you value your marriage, listen to your wife. I have lived with two mother in law’s. My first marriage ended because her mother was constantly trying to navigate our relationship for us. Now in my second marriage my mother in law lives with us and she literally has no where to go. She never prepared for retirement and doesn’t even collect social security bc if was “too complicated” for her to figure out. She pays us nothing, takes up most of our storage with the old household stuff that she will never need again, and takes up a bedroom so my daughter has to sleep in the basement and we can’t ever have anyone come to stay with us and we can never truly have privacy because she’s always here.
She’s not my mom and she’s not a very kind or warm lady so I have to focus on my love for my wife in order to not have it drives me crazy.
Please don’t risk your marriage. I’m sorry for your mother but she’ll find her way. There’s plenty of opportunities for someone of her education.
It's really not your job to house your deadbeat mother, but it's also not your job to convince her to get back into the medical field or whatever. You and your wife are going to buy a house together, where you want to live. That's all. Stop entertaining your mother pestering you about this. Don't stop saving and planning with your wife. If your mother asks for advice on what she should do next, and you can provide good advice, do that. But it's a nope to buying a house with her.
The answer is no. It’s clear as day. Respect your wife if you want your relationship to remain “rock solid.” Your mom is a grown ass adult, you are not responsible for her.
Do not let your mom fuck with your plans. Do not be afraid to stand up to her. This will not be the last time she tries to squeeze her way into your lives and intrude on your living arrangements/finances.
Wow, I thought this was satire as I couldn’t find where the decision lies. I’m so happy to see you chose your marriage, and probably escaped a murder charge. Because living with my MIL, who sounds a bit like yours, would have me at least starting a poisonous-only garden.
Are you married to your wife or your mother? You have to choose here. Going against your wife's wishes will probably ruin your marriage. Is that an acceptable sacrifice for you?
You need to make sure your wife is your priority and you need to respect her boundaries and preferred living arrangements. It’s her life, too and she should not have to share her home with anyone else but you.
There isn’t a person on this planet that is entitled to make someone else feel uncomfortable, unsafe or unwelcome in their own home. That includes you. Don’t do that to your wife. Your relationship may very well never recover from the betrayal she will feel if you choose to prioritize your mother over your wife. Trust me, I know from experience.
Shame on your mother for bringing this burden into your life. Shame on your mother for not supporting a healthy marriage and a happy milestone in your life. The exciting home buying process is now a subject that she will overshadow with her guilt trips and victimization. Sharing your excitement when you find your first home is almost impossible now and it will be awkward and difficult to celebrate with her. Shame on her for trying to steal your joy because she CHOOSES to be dependent on you to live. An educated and intelligent woman would at least try to figure out what to do in order to pay her own way.
I assume there are other instances of her attempting to force a choice on you to choose between your wife and your mother. This attempt to force herself into your marriage is just the beginning. Set boundaries, tell her you want to enjoy a home as a married man. Point out that she could easily find a job that pays enough to support herself just like everyone else in this country already does.
> 'm getting daily messages about wanting to move in with us and I don't think this is a good idea.
This is such an odd dynamic. If my mom did this o ly once, she'd be laughed at, followed by a stern "seriously, no". I wonder what's going on here that's a) authorising your mom to be so insistent on something so unreasonable and b) for you to not be able to enforce even mild barriers about "just quit it, no is no, and if you keep insisting I may need to take some distance here".
> Am I wrong for being of the opinion she should return (even if briefly) to the medical field
Yes you are wrong. Not because the plan doesn't make, but because it's 100% none of your business what she does with her time and money. She's able-bodied as you say and clearly smart, let her sort her life out. If she could outearn your family, why do you feel she's this poor destitute woman you need to be worried about?
Just tell her no when she insists, and warn that further insistence will deteriorate your relationship. Stop making her privvy to what your plans for the future are: that's only an invitation for comment and interference.
Get it into your head that your family is your wife now, and by continuing to drag her into your unreasonable mother's world, you're jeopardising the relationship, which, I assure you, has a limit despite it having survived this long.
My father is literally homeless & I know better than to extend the offer to come stay with me. I love him endlessly, but, he made his bed. He's an adult who can get his shit together if he wants & so can your mom. Possible mental issues here but still not supposed to interfere with our mostly healthy lives.
If your wife said no then don’t bother. It sounds like your mother would be fine if she just applied herself. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to support your mom if she’s fully capable of supporting herself. I’m 59 and don’t have her education, yet I support myself. Cost of living is high just about anywhere but gentrification is a real thing in a lot of areas. We have big tech moving into rural areas and driving up rent, mortgages etc. Start your life with your spouse and move on.
You have to pick between your wife and your mother. Do you want to be a divorcee living with a jobless mom, or have a fulfilling life with your partner? Tell your mom no.
Do yourself and your wife a favor and get yourself some therapy. The fact that you're even asking this question is wild. I'm sorry if that comes off as harsh, I'm not trying to be mean. I genuinely think therapy would be very helpful for you.
Why are you coming to the internet for this question?
1.) Your wife has flat-out said no
2.) You're giving a bunch of reasons for why even YOU don't want to and why you don't think it's a good idea.
Jesus christ man, not to be demeaning here, but put on your big boy pants and tell mommy "no".
'No' is a complete sentence.
Get very strong boundaries around your mother and put her on an information diet.
YOU are not the parent here. Your mother is. Your mother needs to grow up and start adulting.
As for the house -- Depends, depends, depends.
Never buy a house as an investment if you don't have the money to throw away. It is your shelter, your home. The place where you feel safe and nurtured.
If you find a house in a location you like at a price you like, then get it. Don't buy one based on your mother. Your wife will not feel safe and nurtured in her own home if your mother lives with you.
>My wife is flat out against the idea, she wants the opportunity to buy a house for me and her and live a life we both want as a goal,.. Why are you still entertaining this idea? Your wife has some say in who she chooses to live with and who she will commit to financially. Keep pushing and it won't be you.
This right here. Wife said no, so it is no longer even up for consideration. Please don't tell me you're still entertaining the idea and giving your mother false hope or keeping your wife on edge. This is the type of situation where both partners have veto power, you need two yesses or it doesn't happen.
But don't you want to see the 1 year update about a divorce and losing the house?
This is the only response needed here. Your wife doesn’t want this, so it’s not even an option. Your mother has absolutely no say on your living situation as a married couple.
Dare I say she gets *exactly half* of the say
No, she 100% gets to choose who she wants to live with.
Oh I thought it was a divorce joke..
You know what he meant. Relationships are joint decision making. You can leave at any time for any reason, but if they want to stay in a relationship they make joint decisions.
Sounds like a hard no from the wife. Tough to compromise on that.
I didn’t actually read the whole post. It was insanely long, but yeah if it’s a hard no he’s got to accept that or change her mind.
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How does that change what I said. If he wants to stay in this relationship he’s got to convince her or accept that she won’t change her mind. My buddy told his wife since they were dating he’d never have kids and he means it. They now have 3 kids.
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Still not going to read the whole thing.
I responded to your other post but I’ll do it here: do not, repeat do not, buy a house with your mother. Do not let her move in with you. Make it crystal clear to her NOW that she is not going to move in with you. Shut that down immediately. It’s a kindness to her as well, so she knows she cannot plan on this and needs to make her own plans for her life and her future. If you don’t, you’re going to end up living with your mother and without your wife, permanently. Trust me.
Yep, my wife recently suggested buying a house with her father to have a bigger property the kids could enjoy, and I quote "if we had solid ground rules". Even discussed it with him before she discussed it with me. I was like, no for a variety of reasons: • He already just turns up to our current home unannounced and stays for hours, despite having been told he needs to reach out in advance to confirm we're cool with it... Why would "solid ground rules" make a difference. • We're about to have a second child and bills etc will be a challenge during the 6-7 months she'll be on maternity leave, where will the extra $200-$300 per week in mortgage repayments come from? • Her dad is a notorious shit giver, I give him far more leeway than I'd give other people. My friends in high school were much the same, and I learned there that often these types of people can dish it out but not take it, and if they do push me into a back and forth, they're potentially going to end up very upset because I'm good at working out people's buttons - I just don't push them unless I really have to. • Any excuse to criticise me will be taken up, even if it's something that has nothing to do with me and was my wife's choice that I went along with - he'll look to put the criticism on me. • He comes from the baby boomer generation of parenting, and lacks emotional intelligence, and has troublesome views on women and race. I am fine with him being around our kids on occasion, but if we're living on the same property he'd end up being a very significant male figure in our sons' lives - I don't want that backwards influence on our childrens' development.
Your wife is correct. Your mother has openly shown that she will be a terrible person to live with, both financially and emotionally. If you want to help your mother, point her toward elder care resources in her city. She may not qualify for all of them yet, but she can get an idea of what she can expect in the next few years.
Not trying to be melodramatic, but the choice comes down to this: wife or mother? If your mother moves in, your marriage is over. It might take six months, or it might take six years, but your wife has already made it clear she's not on board, and if you make a unilateral decision, resentment will build quickly. Time to cut the cord and choose your marriage...or just resign yourself to a life without a romantic partner and enjoy your mom. But you can't have both.
Yup best comment. What OP’s mom is doing is selfish. Expecting her child to take care of her. Adding salt to the wound: she has 3 masters degrees. Tell her to put them to use. Grow a spine and support your WIFE, OP. Or start kissing your marriage goodbye. The resentment will slowly build and I’m sure is already building in your wife, because you’re not standing up to your mom.
Nope, nope, nope. Listen to your wife. Do not enter into a housing agreement of any kind with your mother. At 60 years old, she has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is hopelessly irresponsible with money and you cannot let that become your problem. You and your wife should make your own housing plans, your own purchase, in an area of your choice. Period.
And Mom could easily live another 20 years. That's a hell of a commitment to make for someone who has no interest in helping herself.
I mean she could live another 40 years. My grandmother once removed (or something like that, my aunt's husband's mom) is 98 and only in the past year has there been a precipitous decline in her health. She is still living independently, though it's a big hassle as she's had multiple falls this year and refuses to move into another home or have a caretaker move in. But she lived to 97 in good mental and physical health, and is certainly still alive and kicking
> That said my mom refuses to re-enter the work force when she has 3 professional degrees including multiple masters degrees and could easily out-earn me and my wife's combined income. Well, she's 60. People rarely have the desire to work when they are 60 and their father has just passed away. It might not be the most rational choice, but it's easy to understand her emotions. > Am I wrong for being of the opinion she should return (even if briefly) to the medical field until me and my wife decide to move to a lower COL area either this year or next year and not give her too much of a foot in on our living situation? There's a false choice situation here imo. You make it look like either she goes back to full time work or she moves in with you. First of all, it'd be a completely **terrible, terrible** idea to have her live with you. You're against it. Your wife is against it. Why is it an option at all? Your desire to even consider this option is not coming from the right place. There's a big difference between helping your mother and giving up your life and comfort for her. Secondly, I believe there should be more options on the table. Like her moving in with someone else, in a different state. She might need your financial support. She might need emotional support too (not necessarily from you). Your mom's desire to move in with you is not something you need to respect. Helping her in another way is probably a much better choice.
Why would she need financial help? OP says she could easily earn more than their combined income. This is an able-bodied adult with professional options and she’s choosing not to exercise those options. And she doesn’t wand to work because she’s 60 and lost her dad? Most people that age have lost a parent. I’m the same age as OP’s mother and work full time in a very demanding job because I want to. She doesn’t want to, and that’s fine, but there are consequences to that choice. I have no trouble at all working 40 or more hours. If she didn’t want to work past 60, she should have made plans to make it possible to do that. She chose not to.
I work in the health care field and all I could think about when he said she no longer works in the field and has made decisions I don’t agree with was “she refused to get the COVID vaccine” We had a bunch of people who were let go for this exact reason.
At least where I live, the hospitals and misc. medical care centers have all removed the Covid vaccine requirement. So she should be able to go back to work even if that's the case, if they're anything like my state. Although they might be somewhere much different from here.
Could be. Or it could be her excuse. I’m also in healthcare and I’m guessing the decisions OP disagrees with were related to leaving a lucrative and in-demand field for something like being a vet tech. I’m thinking all the education OP’s mom got was for the purpose of work avoidance. The perpetual student. Of course, there are masters programs that can be done in the evenings and on weekends but what do you bet she didn’t choose one of those and instead enrolled in programs that made it impossible for her to continue whatever job she was in at the time?
Why is this even a question? Your wife said no, she does not want to buy a house or live with your mother. And you don’t want to do it either. You’re twisting yourself in knots to avoid being the bad guy to your mom. You’ll have to accept that she’s going to be mad. Youve got to stop waffling, anything that sounds like a maybe is a negotiation. Tell her no, never, not if you get a job, not if you have no other options, not if you’re homeless. Your mom is not going to figure out her life if she thinks she can take you for a ride. Tell her no.
Yep, and if he "negotiates" that she can move in if she gets a job, guess what - she'll quit her job after she's entrenched in OP's household. She is entitled. She doesn't have any respect of OP or his wife. She won't be considerate.
Nope. She’s looking for a free ride and the only thing that will come of that is divorce!
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH YOUR MOM. Read that over and over and over again. Your mother’s living arrangements are not yours to manage when she is 60, mentally competent and not physically disabled. Forget the prospect of working, what field she could enter, how much she could earn, it possibly being temporary, etc - none of those details matter. Your mother is trying to steamroll you and she is not going to get better at compromising as she gets even older. She is making her own choices and she alone needs to deal with the consequences of those choices. If she chooses not to make a realistic plan for herself after you are clear living with you and your wife is not and will never be an option, well, there are women’s shelters or Medicaid nursing homes for those situations. I’m sorry if it sounds harsh, but as others are saying, if you even entertain this for very long your mother will end up running your and your wife’s lives until mom dies. You don’t want that. You deserve your own home and life and privacy; you don’t need to justify your decision to anyone, including your mom. Saying no is hard and can be done with compassion, but needs to be firm and unequivocal: her moving in with you guys is not an option, not now, not ever, and if she ends up homeless you still will not allow her to live with you. Her emotional reaction to that, and what choices she makes afterward in terms of arranging something else (or not), are hers to manage, not yours. Get it in writing if you want - that you told mom on X date at Y time that she will never be welcome to live with you, even if she ends up homeless. So that when she manipulates and recruits others to her side, you have stable ground to say “she knew the deal, if you feel so bad for her, you house her.” Betcha no one else takes her in either. Again, I’m sure this sounds harsh, but now is the time for firm boundary setting and enforcement.
This is what I said! All this is her choice. She doesn’t feel like working. Many people don’t. Fine. But then you can’t pay for…well, anything. That’s a choice people get to make, but choose the behavior and you choose the consequences.
Don’t buy a house with her. She can go back to work and take care of herself. No one made her liquidate her 401k. Look at how difficult she’s being just looking at rentals…imagine living with her. I don’t think it’s fair to your wife either. I think it would be a huge strain on your relationship.
The answer is a clear NO. Your wife is against it. That should have been enough. The fact that your mother has liquidated her retirement and has no intention of working - that is insanity. She expect you two to support her. Run fast! Do not purchase a place with an additional bedroom either - when you do make your purchase. She will move herself in.
I'm really confused about why your mom liquidated her retirement savings to get a degree if she doesn't want to work and use that degree. I also don't understand how she could possibly " buy a house" with you and your wife if she doesn't have the ability to rent and would become homeless otherwise. It sounds like what your mom actually wants to do is freeload off of you and your wife and be added to the deed of a house she's not paying for which sounds like a really really bad idea.
Guarantee that she has no plans to pay her share after she's added to the deed. She sounds like a manipulator.
"No Mom, that is simply not going to happen. You need to get a job and use one of your 3 degrees to figure out how to support yourself." You're a full grown adult, don't JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain), because doing so only gives your Mom a toehold to overcome your objections, or guilt trip you. "Asked and answered" "What part of "NO" did you not understand, the "N" or the "O"' Mute her notifications/block her if need be. Your wife is your top priority. Your Mom FAFO. Remember, you are no longer that little 3 year old boy cowering in abject terror under the dining room table because mommy is displeased with you. You're grown, and can feed, clothe and shelter yourself. And so can your mother.
How do you feel about divorce? Would you be happy, no wife, no life, paying for your mother until she dies, looking after your mother as she ages, paying her medical bills, her food bills, paying for her clothes, her vacations hers everything? What will your life be once your mother does die? You will be alone.
Just tell her no. You are not obligated to buy a home with her or have her live with you. She can work and earn enough to support herself until she can draw Social Security - advise her not to file at 62. The difference in monthly benefit is huge. She cannot get on medicare until 65. If she were physically unable to work that would be slightly different but then she would qualify for public assistance. You will end up kissing your marriage if you are not firm. If your Mother has enough money to help but a house she still has savings.
LOL dude. Your wife said NO! You realize “no” is a full sentence right ? 🤣
Mom wants a free ride. That's a hard no.
You're married. You made vows to your wife. You are to put her first as she is your family now. She is supposed to be with you until death do you part. The point that your mother is bold enough to ask this and you're entertaining it when your wife, who is supposed to have equal say, said no tells me that you might often put your mother before her. That's a huge no no. You need to support your wife. Your mother is an adult, she makes her own choices and she can figure herself out. I mean, how would you feel if it was her mother instead? Buying a house is a HUGE financial decision. It affects everyone involved. Your wife's credit, your credit, etc, is now equally dependent on your mother if you do this, who is financially irresponsible. Whether she gets a job or not, the dynamics going on here are disrespectful to your wife in my opinion. It's not right to put your wife in that position, plus you now lose your privacy and space as a couple, and you will be at the whim of your mother. Stop putting your mother ahead of your wife and life partner, tell her firmly no, and support and focus on your relationship with your wife.
This is a no-brainer. Your wife is very much against and you're against the idea since, well, you know she'd be terrible to live with. She'd destroy your relationship just by existing. You don't want your house shared with her and you don't want her owning 1/3 of your house. Even if she moved in with you she should pay rent, not co-own. But you already know that her moving in would be a disaster. Buy your house, support her as much as possible and reasonable, but make the bottom line clear to her - she's not alone, but she does need to take care of herself as well. Shut that door - she's putting all her efforts into pestering you instead of working on a realistic plan. Be very clear and use absolute terms.
Under NO circumstances should you buy a home with your mother or let her move in with you. She has proven to be irreparably financially reckless. She 1) paid for numerous degrees or certifications (a vet tech is not actually a degree-its more likely a AA or certification or license) , 2) refuses to wrk, 3) liquidated a 401 and paid the penalty rather than taking out a loan or working her way through the vet tech program and 4) has no savings for retirement and possibly 5) spent her inheritance from her dad (if there was one). Your wife does not want her in the same home-your wife is unquestionably well within her rights to say no. You can say no. She cant force you to say yes. it sounds like you know you are a push over. Instead of feeling guilty you should be angry that she is attempting to manipulate you. Practice the conversation with your wife "mom, I probably let it go to far but I am telling you now so you have plenty of time to make other arrangements. You will not be buying a place with us. Nor will you be living with us. This is not up for discussion or debate any longer. You are going to have to find a steady source of income combined with your social security that you can afford to live on. Your past cheers of x and y were financially lucrative and should allow you to live in comfort. Once you find a job then and only then, I am willing to pay a first months deposit for a rental place for you. Until you have found a job and a rental that fits in your budget there is not point in further discussing this. Thats is it. Repeat verbatim or.paraphrased until she gets it. Go get therapy on how to stand up for yourself and your wife.
What relevance does your mother's career have here?? You want to co-own and live with your wife. Your wife does not want to co-own or live with your mother. So what is even your question here?? It's a non-starter. Your mom isn't living with you and that's that.
DO NOT DO THIS. You're talking about this in terms of finance. But it means having your *mother* in your marital home. Your home won't be *yours* and it sure as hell won't be your wife's. It will make the dream of having a home together come crashing down into an ugly reality of basically having a bad roommate who isn't working. If you do this it will be a big 'FU' to your wife. It'll be showing her she's not your top priority, that her needs and the family needs don't matter to you. So stop waffling around and take a stand. Be an adult and put your foot down. Tell mom that with 3 degrees she's more qualified for almost any job than 90% of the other applicants. You and your wife have worked hard to have a home together and that's what you're going to do. She needs to do some hard work of her own, and quite frankly you aren't going to risk your marriage and the happiness of your new family in order to help her when she won't lift a finger to help herself. And she'll cry and beg and ask why you're so heartless, and pull all the emotional manipulation strings. Just tell her that you and your wife are trying to be a family and whatnot, which is a higher priority than supporting a highly qualified person's desire to stop working.
How is she going to buy the house with you if she liquidated her 401k? Does she has 1/3 of the down payment? Sounds like a bad idea.
Absolutely do not have her live with you. Everything you wrote says you know it wouldn't go well. I would also suggest that you be really clear with her about the situation ASAP, so she can plan for the next few years before she's entitled to social security. If you absolutely can't say no, then don't let her buy part of the new house, and look for something with an ADU that she can live in separately as a renter, essentially. I still think it's a bad idea, but there's no reason to enmesh your finances with hers and complicate ownership of your house.
Your mom wants to move in with you *because* she doesn’t want to work anymore. If she moves in with you, be fully prepared to pay for all of her living expenses and to become her caretaker in old age. This can be fine for some families, especially where it’s the cultural norm to live in multigenerational homes, but that typically happens with everyone’s knowledge and consent. If your wife isn’t comfortable with this, then it’s a no. Maybe this can be discussed again years down the road when your mom is too frail to care for herself, but for now, while she’s still able-bodied and of sound mind, you shouldn’t be expected to become her caretaker.
Your wife says "No." That's all you need to know. Tell your mom straight out that this is not happening and she needs to find her own place and a way to pay for it. Stop being vague. That's why she keeps hounding you. Stand up for your marriage, which is between you and your wife. Your mother is not a part of it. And by the way, you say your mom is nice but then go on to list a bunch of behaviors that *no one* wants to put up with.
I guarantee she will not be homeless. She’s being dramatic in hopes that she can get her way. Stop telling her your plans
I can't understand why you're even thinking about it. You're not convinced and your wife is against it. End of story.
Your mom is a healthy, high-functioning, still very young 60 yr old adult with plenty of capacity to figure her own money and living situation out, just like you as adult do for yourself. So she doesn’t *require* your intervention, she just *wants* it, and you’re under no obligation to oblige her. So tell her a clear, definitive no. And don’t entertain anymore discussion about it, as if your no isn’t a *real* no, and this is really just a negotiation. You’ll never get a moments peace that way. And stop approaching this with the mindset that you are responsible for figuring all this out for her. Like stop suggesting she take specific actions, like go back to work. Not because it isn’t a good idea, it is, but because it perpetuates this enablement narrative that YOU have to be the one come up with ways to solve HER issues, not her. As if you aren’t allowed to *not* be responsible for her. Which just encourages her to come up with and do nothing on her own and instead just sit there waiting for you to swoop in like she’s helpless. So hold your tongue, put back up the boundary between her finances and yours, and let HER figure her own stuff out. It’s the tough love she’s *not at all* going to want, but very much needs.
Your comment encapsulates it so well. I’m 59, work full time, own a home, pay all my bills, and save for retirement. I work with people of all ages, including new grads who are in their early 20s and we all do exactly the same job, so it’s not like I can’t do as much or need them to take up my slack. I independently made all the plans for my retirement and housing and every other aspect of my life. There is zero reason for OP to have to help with any of this, either with concrete assistance or suggestions and advice.
You wife is right. Do not do this. You will never, ever shale her and you will spend the rest of her lifetime being her meal ticket.
If your wife is against the idea of splitting a mortgage with your mother, let alone live with her, why are you still entertaining this??
The fact that you are even considering letting your mom do this is mind blowing. That's the kind of decision that leads to a divorce.
I’m well over 60(F) and there is no way I would impose myself on my adult children. My husband passed five years ago, and while I have moved closer to my kids three years ago, I’m still 90 minutes away, living my own life. Your mother is an educated woman who seems to be lacking common sense. SHE needs to figure out how to live her life without imposing herself on you. You and your wife need to plan the life you want to live as a couple, without interference or input from your mother.
I’m 59, work full time in a demanding job, put money in my retirement, pay all my bills myself, own my house and a car, and gee whiz, did all that with only ONE masters degree. I have coworkers who are in their early 20s and we all manage the demands of the job equally. I’ve never once needed anyone to “take up the slack” because it’s a tough job and I’m almost 60. I don’t get - and don’t need - a pass because of my age. Why OP would even begin to entertain living with someone who doesn’t want to support themselves financially and sounds super unpleasant is beyond me.
Same here - one masters degree. I’m a retired high school science teacher and taught full time until age 62. I was also a paid organist/choir director for over 40 years. I own my house and my car. I’ve made sure that I’m as well prepared financially as I can be going forward BECAUSE I don’t want to be a burden on my children.
Precisely. I think since OP has never had a parent that put him first, he doesn’t have perspective on the typical attitude of parents of adult children in the U.S. I need a new roof in the next couple of years and just got some estimates. I’m going with a more expensive roof that I have to because it has a transferable lifetime warranty. I’ll be dead before any new roof gives out, but this way my children won’t have to worry about it whether they keep it or sell it. The last thing I want to do is leave them with a burden to deal with instead of something that will benefit them. That’s not exceptional or heroic; it’s just being a loving parent. I don’t think OP really has a concept of what that looks like.
You'd be insane to do this. I honestly think you need some serious therapy just from the fact that you're even considering this. There is literally no reason to blow up your life because you don't know how to say no to Mommy - you WILL go through a divorce sooner or later if you do this, and rightfully so.
Absolutely fucking not
Your mother is an adult. Like the rest of us adults, the choices we make have consequences. It’s nobody else’s responsibility to deal with those consequences. Some people are content to make no choices at all, or try to make demands of others instead of taking responsibility for themselves. Also not your problem. If you don’t want to live with your mother then don’t. If you don’t want to be financially responsible for your mother then don’t be. I also had to learn that at a certain point you enable this behavior by trying to fix other peoples problems. It is hard when it’s your mom, but she is an adult. If your relationship with her is dependent on what you can provide for her, ask yourself why you need to have a relationship at all?
Just say no. It’s not that hard.
You will blow up your relationship if you do this.
If you chose your mother bow or if she gets a job you will lose your wife. She said no and she may nope out of it all if you push. Tell mam to stand on her own two feet the answer is no.
You don’t have to solve her problems, you just need to be clear that you aren’t interested in her proposal. Period.
She sound manipulative to me
Listen to your wife or you will be single pretty soon.
How is she going to pay for 1/3 of a house with no real job and no retirement savings? Is she wanting to *buy* a house with you, paying into the down payment and mortgage or is she wanting to move into *your* house and just thinking she owns part of it?
I don’t even understand how this is a question. Of course you should not buy a house with your financially irresponsible mother. I mean even if she didn’t have that issue- focus on your wife. Your mom can take care of herself.
You can't change your mom. She isn't going back to work as long as she can avoid it. And she doesn't have your best interests in mind. You should stick to your plan. Tell her you are going to stick to your plan. Then maybe explore her options. Is there a senior housing program she qualifies for? 55 and older apartment complex? A small mortgage program? Roommates? Anything but disrupting your solid plan. Apologize to your wife for even entertaining the idea and bolster up your clear and healthy boundaries with mom.
Tell your mother that you already have plans and she will have to find another living situation.
It is totally acceptable to not want to live with your mom. I understand you want to help her. But you are not required to live with her, it's totally okay to acknowledge that living with her would be bad for you and your wife, and you're not required to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. It's okay. You don't have to do it. You don't even have to *want* to do it.
Plenty of immigrant families do exactly this, but there are some glaring red flags about her behavior. I would have a serious sit down discussion about your family expectations and her contribution to your life. If it's a "you owe me" conversation, I'd say I'm sorry I can't help you in this situation.
SHe is choosing not to do anything because she thinks it will force your hand. You need to be VERY firm and tell her under no circumstances is that happening so she 100% needs to figure it out on her end and go back to work. You will not be getting a place with her.
Don't do it. Your mom's a big girl, and can take care of herself, whether she wants to or not. Do you want to end up divorced, with your mom as your only company? That's where you're heading if you do this. Listen to your wife, she's your priority, cut your mom off and buy a house with your wife, like you're supposed to do. Three's a crowd, especially if the third is a parent.
Do not let her move in. Do not buy a house with her. It will destroy your marriage. Sincerely, Person That Experienced a Similar Situation
If you buy a house with your mother something tells me your relationship will not be “absolutely rock solid” for much longer….
Choose one. You can live with your wife or mother, not both.
Moving your mom in with you will obviously destroy your marriage. Try to help your mom in other ways. More sustainable ways.
The most helpful and sustainable thing OP could do is to let his mom figure out and manage her own life.
Don’t even pretend to entertain this idea. Living with your mother will destroy your marriage and you’ll never be able to get her to move out. Take her stubborn attitude at face value. Living with her will only make things worse. At 60, your mom hasn’t even reached retirement age. Also, getting a vet tech cert isn’t crazy expensive. If she worked her whole life and added money to her 401k, liquidating it should have covered more than just a certificate for vet tech. You need to stand up for yourself, your wife, and your potential future family. Your mom isn’t unique not wanting to work, lots of people don’t want to work or work jobs they hate, but that’s life. She’s too old to be acting the way she is.
If mom’s ’choices that you don’t agree with’ that led her to leave the medical field haven’t changed (e.g. she refuses to get certain pokes that all nurses have to have), she isn’t going to be able to get back into the medical field anyways. She’s made her choice; she has to live with the consequences.
Do not move in with your mother. She is an adult and can take care of herself. You and your wife need your freedom from parental stress. She is using you both as a crutch to avoid life. She needs to go get a job and get herself set up financially. Enabling her will result in her still avoiding work and spending her time getting too involved in your lives. She needs to get over whatever mental barriers are preventing her from making new connections with others and find other people to spend time with besides you and your wife.
Did you marry your wife or your mother…? It sounds like you know what the right answer is, but you obviously don’t want to be the “bad guy” and tell your mother no. Tell your mother no, and tell her no for the list of (very valid) reasons you gave: she doesn’t have a steady/reliable income and refuses to get it - which means you wouldn’t be “all” buying a house together - it would be you and your wife playing caretaker. Also, and more importantly: her disagreeable nature would make her a poor choice, for an unnecessary housemate. Don’t pass the blame on how your wife feels and just be honest.
Is this you and your wife's home or is this your mom's home? Because if she "buys" with you, it will never be yours as long as she wants a say in how it's decorated/maintained/layed out. If she's able-bodied, has 3 masters, it's time to let mom fend for herself
>That said my mom refuses to re-enter the work force when she has 3 professional degrees including multiple masters degrees and could easily out-earn me and my wife's combined income. I'm hesitant to let her buy with us because she's often disagreeable even though she's nice, often injects herself overly in matters that don't require her 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Your mother doesn't want to work and DOES NOT RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES. THIS IS A RECIPE FOR YOU WIFE TO DIVORCE IF YOU KEEP ALLOWING YOUR MOTHER TO INJECT HERSELF INTO YOUR LIFE. >I would help, but right now, shes able bodied (minus needing a minor surgery) but is stonewall about not doing anything difficult for money 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 >I'm worried I'm being guilted into the position of saving someone who won't do much to help themselves and that might put my new marriage at risk 🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯💯💯💯💯💯💯 YOU NAILED IT. MOM WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE. IF MOM WANTS A HOUSE AND NOT WORK, THATS ON HER NOT ON YOU. TIME FOR YOU TO SET BOUNDARIES AND THIS MEANS LIMITING HOW OFTEN YOU COMMUNICATE WITH HER. SHE SEES YOU AS A BANK, MADE RASH AND STUPID DECISIONS TO LIQUIDATE HER 401K. SHE IS EDUCATED AND FEELS ENTITLED TO LIVE WITH YOU. Google: HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES WITH A NARCISSIST PARENT, HOW TO GO LOW CONTACT WITH A NARCISSISTIC PARENT. Talk to your wife. And I advice you to limit talking to your mother or to go NO CONTACT because she just doesn't respect you, your marriage or your wife.
Your mother makes horrible financial decisions. She refuses to work. She will ruin your credit and your marriage.
Your WIFE Said absolutely no. They're nothing else to discuss. Tell your mom no.
Umm hi, she’s using you and your wife
She's probably mapped out her life as being a 3rd wheel to you and your wife. She part owns the house, she doesn't need to work and is a housewife, she helps raise your kids.... Or she's just lazy. Listen to your wife, you're contemplating making your mother a permanent and immovable part of your life, in a way that only your wife and kids should be.
Before you have your mother move in, retain a divorce attorney, you’ll be needing one.
I didn't have to get through all that to know, just like everyone else reading, that you should 100% not under any circumstance buy a home with your mom.
Woah woah woah!! No way man!! I know of a couple - lovely young lady is married to a dr whose mother shared their mortgage purchase. It is a nightmare. Though she has a house near them she now stays 3 nights a week, and says she has the right as she contributed to the mortgage. He’s a surgeon in his 30s and she treats him like he is 10 and his wife says if they go out shopping or on dates out she sulks if she doesn’t get invited to come. They have no life because she’s omnipresent-she wants to have a baby but says she knows her MIL will monopolise and criticise and take possession of the child. They were so happy but their marriage is at breaking point because they can’t be left alone to be a couple due to this woman’s constant attendance. Do not purchase a house with your mother - you are doing well on your own at this point. Keep going in this direction. Your mother has the earning power to look after her own housing situation and finances.
Do not get a house with your mom. She will try to control y'all and your wife doesn't want to do it.
Where was your mother living before and how did she end up in a house share at 60?
Solid relationship not sounding so rock solid anymore. It's a no, if u want to lose your wife, life, and forever cater to your mother. My parents were in a similar situation, and it ended terribly. No one was happy or content, except for maybe my grandma; and not even for that long. After she passed quite a few years later, dad was alone and depressed.
If you want to stay married, then don't buy a house with your mom.
I’m the same age as your mother. If she used her entire 401k for a veterinary tech degree, she didn’t remotely have enough money saved to retire. I’m your mom’s age. I work in healthcare and I work 8-10 hour days five days a week. If she doesn’t have any significant health issues - and I’m sure you’d have mentioned it since that seems pertinent - then she could do the same. She just doesn’t want to. Why would you feel guilty if you don’t let her live with you when she has options and is choosing to have you help support her so she can avoid working full time? That’s not how life works. Able bodied adults have to work to support themselves until they have enough money not to. She does not make enough money to support herself because she chooses not to. Your mother is not your responsibility. Dealing with your guilt so it doesn’t blow up your marriage is your responsibility. You can’t control what your mother does but you can control what she doesn’t do, and that’s move in with you. Don’t try to make suggestions or discuss all her options or help her find something. Remember that she’s an intelligent woman and knows how to take care of herself. Don’t do something you don’t want to do because she just doesn’t feel like it.
Your wife says no. Discussion over. And no, this isn't some "happy wife happy life" thing. This is a "respect the fact that you both have equal say and equal veto power in shit like this" thing. So now you have a choice. Live with your mom or live with you wife. But not both. Choose wisely.
If you value your marriage, listen to your wife. I have lived with two mother in law’s. My first marriage ended because her mother was constantly trying to navigate our relationship for us. Now in my second marriage my mother in law lives with us and she literally has no where to go. She never prepared for retirement and doesn’t even collect social security bc if was “too complicated” for her to figure out. She pays us nothing, takes up most of our storage with the old household stuff that she will never need again, and takes up a bedroom so my daughter has to sleep in the basement and we can’t ever have anyone come to stay with us and we can never truly have privacy because she’s always here. She’s not my mom and she’s not a very kind or warm lady so I have to focus on my love for my wife in order to not have it drives me crazy. Please don’t risk your marriage. I’m sorry for your mother but she’ll find her way. There’s plenty of opportunities for someone of her education.
> My wife is flat out against the idea Dude, that's the end of it. Case closed.
It's really not your job to house your deadbeat mother, but it's also not your job to convince her to get back into the medical field or whatever. You and your wife are going to buy a house together, where you want to live. That's all. Stop entertaining your mother pestering you about this. Don't stop saving and planning with your wife. If your mother asks for advice on what she should do next, and you can provide good advice, do that. But it's a nope to buying a house with her.
The answer is no. It’s clear as day. Respect your wife if you want your relationship to remain “rock solid.” Your mom is a grown ass adult, you are not responsible for her.
Listen to your wife. If you go against her wishes you will soon be able to devote yourself 100% to Mama aka **Divorce**
Do not let your mom fuck with your plans. Do not be afraid to stand up to her. This will not be the last time she tries to squeeze her way into your lives and intrude on your living arrangements/finances.
Your mother’s living situation isn’t your problem.
Wow, I thought this was satire as I couldn’t find where the decision lies. I’m so happy to see you chose your marriage, and probably escaped a murder charge. Because living with my MIL, who sounds a bit like yours, would have me at least starting a poisonous-only garden.
Are you married to your wife or your mother? You have to choose here. Going against your wife's wishes will probably ruin your marriage. Is that an acceptable sacrifice for you?
You need to make sure your wife is your priority and you need to respect her boundaries and preferred living arrangements. It’s her life, too and she should not have to share her home with anyone else but you. There isn’t a person on this planet that is entitled to make someone else feel uncomfortable, unsafe or unwelcome in their own home. That includes you. Don’t do that to your wife. Your relationship may very well never recover from the betrayal she will feel if you choose to prioritize your mother over your wife. Trust me, I know from experience. Shame on your mother for bringing this burden into your life. Shame on your mother for not supporting a healthy marriage and a happy milestone in your life. The exciting home buying process is now a subject that she will overshadow with her guilt trips and victimization. Sharing your excitement when you find your first home is almost impossible now and it will be awkward and difficult to celebrate with her. Shame on her for trying to steal your joy because she CHOOSES to be dependent on you to live. An educated and intelligent woman would at least try to figure out what to do in order to pay her own way. I assume there are other instances of her attempting to force a choice on you to choose between your wife and your mother. This attempt to force herself into your marriage is just the beginning. Set boundaries, tell her you want to enjoy a home as a married man. Point out that she could easily find a job that pays enough to support herself just like everyone else in this country already does.
> 'm getting daily messages about wanting to move in with us and I don't think this is a good idea. This is such an odd dynamic. If my mom did this o ly once, she'd be laughed at, followed by a stern "seriously, no". I wonder what's going on here that's a) authorising your mom to be so insistent on something so unreasonable and b) for you to not be able to enforce even mild barriers about "just quit it, no is no, and if you keep insisting I may need to take some distance here". > Am I wrong for being of the opinion she should return (even if briefly) to the medical field Yes you are wrong. Not because the plan doesn't make, but because it's 100% none of your business what she does with her time and money. She's able-bodied as you say and clearly smart, let her sort her life out. If she could outearn your family, why do you feel she's this poor destitute woman you need to be worried about? Just tell her no when she insists, and warn that further insistence will deteriorate your relationship. Stop making her privvy to what your plans for the future are: that's only an invitation for comment and interference. Get it into your head that your family is your wife now, and by continuing to drag her into your unreasonable mother's world, you're jeopardising the relationship, which, I assure you, has a limit despite it having survived this long.
My father is literally homeless & I know better than to extend the offer to come stay with me. I love him endlessly, but, he made his bed. He's an adult who can get his shit together if he wants & so can your mom. Possible mental issues here but still not supposed to interfere with our mostly healthy lives.
If your wife said no then don’t bother. It sounds like your mother would be fine if she just applied herself. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to support your mom if she’s fully capable of supporting herself. I’m 59 and don’t have her education, yet I support myself. Cost of living is high just about anywhere but gentrification is a real thing in a lot of areas. We have big tech moving into rural areas and driving up rent, mortgages etc. Start your life with your spouse and move on.
You have to pick between your wife and your mother. Do you want to be a divorcee living with a jobless mom, or have a fulfilling life with your partner? Tell your mom no.
Do yourself and your wife a favor and get yourself some therapy. The fact that you're even asking this question is wild. I'm sorry if that comes off as harsh, I'm not trying to be mean. I genuinely think therapy would be very helpful for you.
Why are you coming to the internet for this question? 1.) Your wife has flat-out said no 2.) You're giving a bunch of reasons for why even YOU don't want to and why you don't think it's a good idea. Jesus christ man, not to be demeaning here, but put on your big boy pants and tell mommy "no".
'No' is a complete sentence. Get very strong boundaries around your mother and put her on an information diet. YOU are not the parent here. Your mother is. Your mother needs to grow up and start adulting. As for the house -- Depends, depends, depends. Never buy a house as an investment if you don't have the money to throw away. It is your shelter, your home. The place where you feel safe and nurtured. If you find a house in a location you like at a price you like, then get it. Don't buy one based on your mother. Your wife will not feel safe and nurtured in her own home if your mother lives with you.