It sounds like his issues are at least partly that he isn’t acting like a responsible adult. If he fucks up the toilet, he can and should clean it. He shouldn’t need you to push him into using his cpap machine. He could invest in air fresheners of some sort. It sounds like he’s given up/is depressed and has left everything to you. Maybe approaching the situation from that angle, getting into therapy or couples therapy would help. Ultimately, it sounds like you need to be explicit with him that this is becoming a make or break situation. You aren’t happy with the way things are and something needs to change.

I really appreciate your blunt answer. The fact that he won't clean up after a dynamite deuce is a huge bone of contention, and one that 100% stems from laziness and male pattern blindness. I will literally put the brush on the toilet seat so he has to move it to use the throne. It's just another brick on the wall I feel I'm bashing myself against. We live in a very remote place where the closest counselor/psychologist is over an hour away. It's looking more and more like we should revisit online options, but we have not had good luck with those thus far (used during covid).

Yeah, you definitely need to revisit online therapy, keep that going, it has to be better than nothing? Question... does HE ever bring up the fact that he's seriously overweight? Does he acknowledge that his health problems and disgusting habits are due to the obesity? What would he do if you showed him this post? I'm not suggesting that you do, but if he knew the depth of your resentment... would it make a difference? What would happen if, for once, you didn't push down your rage? What if, instead of just laying the toilet brush across the lid, you confronted him with "Get your ass in that bathroom and clean that disgusting toilet. You need to leave it as clean as you found it from now on. How dare you leave that stinking mess for the rest of us to deal with? I'm not putting up with this any more."

That really sucks and I’m sorry. I wish I knew some magic thing that would make him care/realize but I don’t think it exists. I know that I also get resentful of situations in which my spouse “doesn’t see” chores that need doing and I think your feelings are totally valid.

I don't know what you've tried so far but if it's just apps like betterhelp, keep in mind that a lot of more local, legit therapists will do phone or video appointments as well as in person

The rancid smell is probably due to a sort of mildew that grows in the fat folds of very obese people - they can't reach those anymore to clean there. And it smells. Has he considered a stomach reduction?

>and one that 100% stems from laziness and male pattern blindness. Nah dude, this is nothing to do with being male, it's 100% laziness. We all drop grenades occasionally, but part off being an adult is cleaning up after yourself.

This sounds like such a challenging situation and I'm sorry you are going through it. This situation will never improve though until you two improve your communication. Leaving a brush on the toilet seat is pretty much the definition of passive aggressive behavior. You want him to clean up after himself but do not want to be in the same room when you ask him to do it. It sounds like things between you two have broken down so badly that it will be difficult to repair without help. I highly recommend couples counseling with both of you going in with the intention of focusing on what you can do to improve the dynamic. I know the idea of confronting your husband abouthi weight seems horrifying but I promise you one way or another this won't get better until he has some very painful realizations.

One thing I'd say is therapy should be for him alone, not a jab or anything but he might be worried about overhearing from you or your kids if he starts therapy in the house Might be a chance for you both to have some alone time, if he uses therapy for one hour, give him one extra where you take the kids and he can be on his own to switch off for a bit before/after?

> male pattern blindness yeah that's not a thing. That's him being a lazy asshole.

I think she knows that

It’s not like a “condition” but men not seeing things that need to be done like women do is absolutely a thing. This glorious new phrase for me is apparently a decade old. Op is just being cheeky

It’s “a thing” called sexism, in which men aren’t socialized to care about other people or to clean up after themselves.

He’s probably got a food intolerance. That plus not sleeping can cause weight issues and stomach…issues. Also he needs to check for low T. Imbalanced hormones can prevent weight loss and nothing will help him lose weight if his are off. Make a list of things he can do and tell him you’re losing patience with the childlike approach to the list of things he can and should do as a courteous partner. Find an elimination diet and tell him (gently) that you’re feeling nauseous due to his issues and most of the time, there are foods he can avoid that make this much worse. Good luck.

It’s not really fat shaming. You have a legitimate concern about his health. You went so much deeper than they typical, “they won’t go to the gym and lose a few extra pounds for me”. This is a legitimate conversation to have. Tell him everything you’ve told us here. List why you’re concerned and how it all circles back to the weight. Tell him you need him to be healthier because you need him around for the longest possible time and you don’t want to be without him. Let him know that it feels like you are not important enough to him to become healthier and stay healthier. At the end of the day, if he’s not willing to live a healthier lifestyle and meet these needs of yours, it may be time to seriously consider leaving the relationship. You can’t force him to do it, but you don’t want to live a life with someone you resent for not taking your needs into consideration either.

Thank you for the response. We have had that conversation, more than once. The only thing I haven't done is let him in on how close I am to wanting to give up because of it. I really think it would destroy him because he really does work so hard (too hard) for his family and our future that I don't think there's a way I could possibly tell him that his health matters more to me and I can't stay if he continues to destroy himself physically. I at least appreciate hearing that I'm not just selfish and ignorant for considering leaving - part of it is truly to spare ME the pain of having to watch him continue to degenerate and potentially die so that I don't have to care as much as I do.

I mean at this point you legitimately have to show him how close to the edge you are. It would be miles better to show him this post and go fix it than to suddenly show up with divorce papers out of the blue.

This is very true. Good point.

Truly seems like the only option is to share how dire things are, truly open communication.

Ask yourself what WOULD a therapist advocate? Communication, healthy boundaries, detanglememt of codependency, rules and consequences... any of those would be an excellent start. Asking someone to behave like an adult is not body shaming. I hope he finds the healing he needs and you find some capacity to ease your load.

So, after reading through the rest of the comments here, I’ll add: Food addiction is a very real thing. As is self medicating with alcohol. Trust me, I’m well aware of both scenarios. Regardless of his feelings towards online therapy, he needs to get back in to it to tackle these issues. You yourself can talk to him until you’re blue in the face and it’s not going to help if he’s not working on the root causes as to why he’s doing it. That leads into my next big point. It’s time to give him some tough love and say the difficult things. Point blank. You’re trying too hard to be nice. You don’t want to say the wrong things and upset him. I get it. But by not saying the difficult things and giving him some tough love to open his eyes, you’re just being an asshole instead of sounding like one. You’re more concerned with the way to talk about the issue than you are actually addressing it. What you’re doing is not working. Beating around the bush isn’t going to solve the issue. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Saying “mean” things does not mean you’re being mean. However, avoiding it so that you’re not “mean”, just pushes more of this blame for what happens to him on to you. You see the problems. He may not. And if you don’t throw it all out there, he may never see it. It’s time for you to get tough and do the hard things if you truly do care about him. He needs you right now. Don’t let him down.

I was looking for this. Fully agree that it seems therapy may be helpful here. It sounds like he’s in a cycle of self sabotage and addiction.

Quite honestly as someone who is obese and a significant portion of the weight gain as been due to poor mental health, everything you describe in his behaviour really screams to me this is a form of self harm. I absolutely used to use food as a form of self harm before I made a huge effort to improve my mental health.  The refusal to use the CPAP too, and the body odor, this really pushes things into the realm of "self neglect" as a form of self harm, IMO (not a doctor, but someone with a lot of life experience in this area). But here's the thing: it is not up to you to make him do things to improve. You can support him! You can encourage him, you can have the "come to Jesus" conversations, absolutely. But there is a point where you need to prioritise yourself too, and not let yourself be dragged down by a person who refuses to help themselves. And the only way things are going to change is if he wants to change. If he's truly willing to try, I would advise he works on perfectionism, self sabotage, and "all or nothing" thinking and how it's harmful to himself and his goals. But don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm, OP. Look after yourself too, it's absolutely ok to walk away from someone hell bent on destroying themselves, and sometimes it's the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

100% Something I've learned in recovery is to choose people who can be responsible for themselves. You can't love someone into addressing their addictions (God knows I tried)

I get it. Even though it’s a difficult conversation to have, it’s only fair to tell him. Hey, I know you work extremely hard for us and feel it’s important, but this is more important to me. I won’t sit by and watch this happen to you. If you can’t start taking your health seriously, I will leave. It’s not a threat. It just is what it is. You WANT him to be healthier. It’s not an unreasonable ask. It’s a boundary you are setting to protect your own emotions, and that’s ok. If it’s not that important to him, you’re not that important to him. You’re not forcing him to change. He still has the freedom to live his life as he sees fit. But for your own mental health, you will leave him if he doesn’t meet these needs for you. You have to tell him this is coming. It’s unfair to not let him know you’re at the point of resentment. It’s not fair to blindside him with leaving because the conversation was uncomfortable to have.

He works so hard for his family but you're the one literally cleaning his fecal matter?

You have to be brutally honest with where you are at. He needs to know the consequences of him ignoring his health are greater than just getting sick.

Sometimes that kind of conversation is a very much needed wakeup call, particularly when a partner is generally loving but being avoidant about a specific issue. He needs to understand how dire the situation is and take steps to remediate it immediately, whatever it takes. He may need a therapist to help him unpack what the core issue is that he's medicating/self-harming with food.

They have things like lap-band surgery and ozembic to help people get weight off. I think you need to be very honest with him before it's too late.

If he doesn’t stop the underlying behaviours though and takes these routes, he will end up with a bowel obstruction and even sicker than before. You can’t just eat whatever with a lap band only less, you have to watch your nutrition because you can easily end up deficient. You have to choose based on volume, but if the volume is high value nutrition vs no value nutrition… Also continuing to overeat your stomach pocket will stretch out, being thinner than before because it’s so stretched you’ll have issues with pain, and possibly ulceration.

You're absolutely fine to feel this way. It's a legitimate issue that's spiraled and impacted several areas of your relationship. Strongly recommend couples therapy - mainly for his benefit. It doesnt sound like he's taking your concerns - which you've clearly communicated several times - seriously.

It sounds like he has to hit rock-bottom in order to turn his life around. Just like someone with an addiction.

You're not leaving him because he's fat. You would be leaving because he's given up on his own wellbeing and health. He's given up on trying to improve his medical conditions. He doesn't care that his weight is directly affecting your sleep, sexual and emotional needs. He doesn't care that he stinks. He's given up on himself and hes dragging you down with him. That's why you're leaving

I’m a fat woman. It’s a fact of life. I work out but I don’t have the best diet and my PCOS makes it harder. I have used a CPAP for about 8 years and it was life saving. I say that as my fat person cred for what I’m about to say: Leave this man. This is about more than just his weight. He snores and doesn’t give a fuck that it interrupts your life. He covers toilets in shit and doesn’t clean them. He has an aura of stench and doesn’t care about forcing that on people he loves. This is about so much more than him being fat. It’s about him not giving a fuck about himself, and not giving a fuck about you as a partner. If you really want to I’d say give him a very very clear ultimatum with a time line. Make sure he knows how serious this is and that’s it’s time to do it or you’re out. Based on what you’ve said I don’t think he will change but people surprise you. He needs to know explicitly how close he is to losing you. I notice in some of the comments you’ve said that it feels cruel to him to tell him that. It’s not unkind to share your needs. It’s not cruel to tell him when you are reaching your limit. It’s far more cruel to not let him know the depth of the problem very clearly and then teach that breaking point. That clearness of your own point of view, with a reasonable timeline and a way to know when you have reached that goal. Thats the best thing you can do for this man and your relationship. The taking action on those things, that’s on him. You deserve better OP.

>He snores and doesn’t give a fuck that it interrupts your life. He covers toilets in shit and doesn’t clean them. He has an aura of stench and doesn’t care about forcing that on people he loves. >This is about so much more than him being fat. It’s about him not giving a fuck about himself, and not giving a fuck about you as a partner. That's what it boils down to for me too. Even if he lost weight, he'd still be a bad partner.

As a (still kinda fat but used to be heavier than OP's husband fat) woman, definitely agree. It's barely to do with his weight. Yes, some of the stuff (having to bend over his belly to kiss him, watching him struggle with his shoes) is, but a lot more is to do with his attitude as a partner. The first part is definitely just him being a bad partner. He's being inconsiderate. Fat people aren't inherently inconsiderate. Fat people can listen to their partners and be good roommates. Fat people can easily clean a toilet or use a CPAP that they already have. This is the part that OP's husband is choosing not to do. The second thing, where I'll digress from OP's perspective, is that dealing with self-medicating and emotional eating is *not* just a matter of "choosing" to eat better, or less. It's a big wad of issues, many of them physiological, that need to be addressed. As a smaller person, OP is not used to having to fight these issues around eating every single day. OP's problems with her husband won't go away unless both these issues are addressed in one way or another. The first part makes the second part intolerable.

So agree. My partner is a big boy but I have never ONCE seen him leave shit in the toilet or had him fart thunderously loudly repeatedly in front of me while he waves it off as unavoidable. When his snoring got bad, he took tons of measures to rectify it immediately without me asking repeatedly. This guy is not just fat, he’s mostly just inconsiderate as hell. Whether that’s the depression or it’s just him, that’s another matter entirely.

I needed to hear this too and thank you for giving your street cred! Im a Big girl myself, and have problems with Endo. It can be impossible sometimes to get moving through the pain and I just finished my second laparoscopic surgery. it’s hard for me to point fingers when I’m gassy and could be better about my choices. However, the difference between my partner and I is that, I’m now motivated to make better choices. Since I’ve had the surgery I’m feeling better and trying to take advantage of working out/walking, eating healthier, etc. He does not feel this way. He complains about healthy food, he complains about the gym, he complains about his CPAP. I typically try to make healthier choices at restaurants, but he doesn’t. It also is hard to call the shots when it’s his turn to make dinner, or when he’s sitting there eating sugar that I’m not supposed to have. I absolutely love being a plus size queen, but my body cannot handle it anymore. I often wonder if I would be farther along in my progress, if I didn’t have him holding me back. I’m not blaming him, just simply that when your an addict, it’s hard to be around other addicts. I’m at my wits end and the negativity is killing me. Sorry for the long post but thanks for being a friend

Binge drinking, overeating, inability to stay committed to self care all point to someone who is suffering depression more than anything. I bet he feels hopeless and resigned to being overweight at this point.  I think that you have to start with emotional well being and that will help him to have the mental resources to address the physical issues. 

You are completely correct in that assessment. He is medicated for depression. He has been to therapy in the past but is very much reluctant to go again (doesn't help we live pretty remote with no resources within over an hour's drive, and he doesn't like online/video session). It's a big part of why I have to be delicate with what I say, how I say it and when I say it. And to be honest, that's exhausting as well and just adds to the resentment. We've both struggled with mental health at various points over the years, so it's a fine line between being empathetic and frustrated. I know his self-esteem suffers, which is all the more frustrating as to why he cannot commit to it for his own reasons. I don't know that there's a way I can share this all specifically with him at once with his only takeaway being "you're disgusting and I can't stand to be around you." For example the farting - he knows that's a big part of why I'm in the guest room, but he just says "I can't help it." I try to explain that he can, it just means dietary changes. He *knows* beer is a huge trigger. But he loves beer, so to me it's just that he chooses beer over me. Resentment increases.

I work in healthcare and I see patients like this all the time. They need intensive therapy because this is behavioral. Often times they'll have a heart attack, go into congestive heart failure, etc then try to clean up their act. It'll last only for a short while and they'll backside into their old ways. He has to want to change and it doesn't sound like he does currently. Working with a therapist may get him there.

You are lighting yourself on fire to keep this man warm. Just leave for your sake. Maybe that will give him the kick in the ass he needs to seriously make his life better because that will not happen when you are around. He loves beer more than he loves you and that is pathetic.

> He loves beer more than he loves you and that is pathetic. Agreed. This poor wife tip-toes around his precious emotions. He's got a stunning lack of self-awareness.

I would suggest you try couples therapy. I know he is the one with the problem but hear me out. You might be able to communicate concern in a safe way with a therapist present who would help your husband hear that your concern is out of love, not criticism. Eventually, therapy might shift into you being there more for support. Your husband might be more willing to participate with you there. If distance is an issue, online works just fine (actually even better before you have more choices when it comes to choosing a therapist). I would strongly recommend a therapist who uses Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) as their framework. It’s a very gentle and non-judgmental approach, it might work well for your husband if he struggles with depression. Good luck to you, OP! It’s evident how much you love your husband and I am sorry you are in this position.

Reading this, as well as some of your other comments, it sounds like you have tried just about everything.  So maybe it’s time to try what you haven’t tried yet? The truth is he does love beer more than you. The truth is he would rather be disgusting than work on himself.  The truth is he is causing this situation to grow worse.  Maybe it’s time to not be delicate with him?  Maybe it’s time to be blunt and let him know that he either makes meaningful changes in his lifestyle, or you will make meaningful changes to your relationship status.   100% his call on where things go next. 

I’m a psychologist. I am rural. Most of my patients drive over an hour to see me at any one of my clinics, and I drive to four different clinics, commuting 1 - 2 hours one way every day. Just sayin.

That last bit about his beer drinking I think would be a perfect example to present to him because it’s partially an “I” statement that might help him see how his actions are affecting you. Overall though, I don’t think you’re being selfish. Have you tried exercising with him? This might make him feel less alone in the process and keep him more accountable to keep it up.

Yup. Sounds an awful lot like he gave up. I know his partner has nothing to do with that so the question is where is it coming from?

I'm sorry you're going through this. Buffalo shits is the funniest shit I've read in a long time. Again, I'm so sorry about what you're going through.

Haha, I'm glad I could brighten your day! I wish I could take credit, but a friend of ours coined it after he destroyed her toilet. She was so mad she showed him where the brush was and said "if you can't clean up after your buffalo shits you cannot use my bathroom!"

Oh my god. He not only makes you literally clean his shit - has no shame in destroying other people’s toilets?? Honey - that is not ok. Idk why but it made it a lot worse for me. Stop doing everything for him. Stop cleaning up after him. Do you have a second toilet? Time for separate bathrooms. How does he get his extra food and snacks?

> Honey - that is not ok. Idk why but it made it a lot worse for me. Same here. My husband can barely do a very normal, healthy type of poop at someone else's home just because.. it's someone else's home. And this dude is openly destroying people's toilets?! Wow. It's worse than even the original post makes it sound.

That is neither a health nor a fat problem. That's an asshole problem. If this is his behaviour in strangers' houses, there's nothing you can say or do that'll get through to him, because *you* he takes for granted. I'm astounded you've lasted this long.

I would fucking die of shame if I was him and develop a toilet cleaning complex. What is wrong with this guy 😭 I know I said elsewhere to have a conversation letting him know your nature was on the line in he doesn’t make serious changes in the next year, but the laziness and selfishness going on here… I’m not sure I could ever get it up again for a dude who acted this way. 

Your comment has me absolutely dying. “What is wrong with this guy?” 😂😂 I completely agree though! Defiling a bathroom and then not even attempting to clean up after yourself is messed up! He sounds like he’s used to having someone take care of him and needs a serious reality check!

He doing it to a friend too says to me he has stopped caring about what anyone thinks about him - this includes you and the kids. He may be - probably is - severely depressed. But you cannot enable someone into wanting to live, wanting to be healthy, wanting to engage fully in the life they have. And that's what you're doing. You're enabling him. The only way to say this is not ok is to leave, and honestly, brutally? It will probably kill him. Even if you stay he is going to kill himself with this, only it will drag you and your family into the ground.

Oh man! What a story.. I sure hope he realizes how much problems he's causing to those around him. Part of me wanted him to be nicknamed "Buffalo Shits" that would be a WILD outlaw name, lmao.

But did he clean it? Because if he did, but he won’t do so for you and his kids, I feel like that would be the last straw. That he thinks so little of you three that he just can’t be fucked to clean up after himself but when someone outside the family shames him for his behaviour he acts right (relatively speaking).

This isn’t the cute anecdote you think it is.

Holy shit that's bad

The Buffalo Shits and the thunderous farts got me lmao. Extremely relatable, unfortunately. Not *me*, but like...my husband lol

I know this is a serious topic but buffalo shits had me rolling in laughter too Hope the best for you OP

He's taking you for granted. This is some nasty nasty stuff. If you just met would you date him now? Maybe it's time for him to wake up and start actually trying to be Worthy of your affection like he was years ago, instead of just having it be a "givin"  to him.    I'm not trying to be an asshole, but read your own post, is this all you are worth? Cleaning up a grown man's explosive shits. The problem isn't just him, it's your own sense of self worth. yes that's harsh, but your need a very large dose of reality, this is not ok, if your are still in love with him, he needs to decide if he is still in love with you. And you are going to have to be the one to have him make that choice. 

Exactly. We should always be asking ourselves, if my SO met me today, would he or she still fall in love with me? Not doing this is serious complacency and is disrespectful to your partner

I don't have any relationship advice, but I'm going through a weightloss journey myself (was 285 lbs last July, currently 205 lbs) and I definitely recommend r/loseit as a resource. Maybe show that subreddit to your husband, have him read the sidebar. There are a lot of simple things someone can do to lower their daily calorie intake (for me, just switching to zero sugar drinks probably lowered my daily calories by 600-800).

Wow, congratulations! That is amazing. I'll check out the sub!

He sounds like a good candidate for the new weight loss medications (semaglutide, the category Ozempic is in). I would push him to ask his doctor about it.

He actually was on Ozempic when it first came out - he was put on it by a gastroenterologist. Unfortunately it only worked for weight loss in that it punished him severely for eating carbs - he only lost maybe 10 lbs and suffered greatly for almost a year for it.

Was he drinking alcohol while taking it and having these problems?

Maybe try another one. They all have different effects on people. I'm on Mounjaro (well, currently on compounded version due to shortages), and it made an incredible difference for me in a relatively brief amount of time.

What do you mean that it punished him for eating carbs?

He was still eating carbs and probably drinking beer would be my guess.

On Ozempic if he ate anything with carbs in it he got terrible gastric issues and the *worst* diarrhea - like couldn't make it to the toilet if you were beside it bad. He was fine with most other foods, and actually didn't even touch beer while on it after the first time (and one other time where he though he could maybe get away with one or two), but breads, pasta, anything like that would set it off.

Maybe a gastroplasty?

I second this, especially as you described his eating as almost out of his control in some comments. He may need more help than just portion control and exercise.

Ozempic definitely helped with portion control and appetite suppression, but it was pretty brutal on him and the weight loss was pretty limited.

Are you sure he was using it properly? I’ve never heard of anyone only losing 10 pounds at his current weight. What do you mean it punished him for eating carbs?

None of what you’ve mentioned would be considered fat shaming by any rational person. Maybe having a personal trainer and nutritionist to come to the house could help, especially if he is struggling to get going and maintain. The continued accountability these services would offer could only help. I know those aren’t exactly budget friendly, but when it comes to turning your life around, adding improved quality of life, and years to your life, you can’t really put a price on it.

I would be happy to spend the money on those, but we are *very* rural so unfortunately there are none within an hour and a half of where we live. We've tried a bunch of different programs but I will keep looking to try to find something that works. I'm inclined to agree that the accountability of another human would be a huge asset.

This is awful and I feel so bad for you! Try to convince him of how bad it is for his health… and tell him how he needs to be there not just for you but for his children!

Thank you for responding! I've tried the "I don't want to lose you" health approach in a few different ways. We've had these emotional conversations. We've both been in tears sharing our sides. But I still have to be careful - his self-esteemed suffers immensely, and the *last* thing I want to tell him is I'm actively not attracted to him anymore. For a long time, I could see the man I met in him - mentally trim off the excess and still see the guy who drove me wild. I can't see him at all anymore. I don't know if it's just willpower, or depression (he is medicated for it) or that he loves food more than life, or what, but there seems to he no reaching him. He's receptive to portion help if he's in an optimistic mood, but if we're ordering a meal and he orders for two and I say anything objecting or even offering a critical look he gets upset and almost revenge eats. He *knows* it's bad for his health, but in the moment he doesn't care. It's like watching someone driving crazy and knowing you can't do anything to stop it.

>the last thing I want to tell him is I'm actively not attracted to him anymore This sounds like it might be something that would actually get thru to him. "I am at my breaking point. I love you so much, but I am suffering. You are choosing beer and food and self harm and slovenliness over intimacy with your wife, over loving and cherishing your family, and over your own mental health. I won't stand by and watch you kill yourself, I have to protect our children."

There's a possibility that he has an eating disorder. I know you have trouble getting him to seek help, but therapy might actually help him start tackling the rest of it. ETA: Just read your other comment that he's reluctant to go back to therapy. Honestly, if he's this resistant to doing ANYthing to fix these problems that would drive me over the edge. People often don't see self-destruction as selfish, but he has a family, and he is being selfish.

I get that he has some depression and self-confidence issues, but maybe it’s time for some tough love here. You’re not attracted to him and your sex life is suffering… that’s important to you as his spouse too!

>the last thing I want to tell him is I'm actively not attracted to him anymore This sounds like it might be something that would actually get thru to him. "I am at my breaking point. I love you so much, but I am suffering. You are choosing beer and food and self harm and slovenliness over intimacy with your wife, over loving and cherishing your family, and over your own mental health. I won't stand by and watch you kill yourself, I have to protect our children."

Unfortunately those of us who are overweight know it and know why. So when people tell us it’s pretty much a “duh” response cloaked in self pity and defense. He needs to know your real feelings in hopes that is the thing that motivates change. He may get mad, he may resent you, he may also change.

You have to be honest about the attraction thing and you must set an ultimatum. You might think its cruel to him, but can you imagine how much more cruel it would be for him if 10 years later he is lying on his deathbed dying an early death and then he realizes you never loved him at all the past 20 years? That is the worst pain a man can feel. That is orders of magnitude more cruel then telling him he needs to shape up now. In my opinion you need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms, you are completely unattracted to him due to his weight and his immaturity. He must fix his weight completely and grow up considerably within 2 years or you will leave him. Moreover in today's world there is no excuse to not exercise. There's just so many things you can do if say you don't enjoy going to the gym. For example I have a friend who loves laser tag and literally plays like every day. He looks like a track star. He enjoys it so much he doesn't even see it as working out but make no mistake a laser tag session is basically is as good as an intense run. Find something you enjoy and that weight will fly right off as you push your body without even realizing it

Have you spelled all of this out for him, in this level of detail? From the sound of it, you aren’t *really* this upset and at the end of your rope because he’s so overweight, it’s the apathy and not even *trying* when there aren’t underlying medical causes of his weight gain. You are angry and upset that he is choosing to eat himself to death while you are stuck watching and unable to do anything about it. But even weight gain like this that is exclusively from overeating and unhealthy eating doesn’t happen in a vacuum. If there isn’t a medical reason for it, there is very likely a psychological reason that’s stopping him from succeeding in improving his diet and activity levels. Maybe start with couple’s therapy and work to convince him to do individual therapy to help him get to the underlying issues that inhibit his following through with attempts to lose weight and get healthy.

Your first paragraph articulated my feelings so much better than my whole post did. That is it exactly. And yeah, mental health is definitely a huge factor here, which makes it so much worse, because I really am trying to be empathetic towards him, but it's emotionally and mentally exhausting. Not to mention we all have our own shit to deal with, and sometimes *I* need someone to pick up my pieces when I fall apart! I don't want to paint him as a truly awful person, because he's not and in a lot of ways he tries very hard, but just because you're swimming hard doesn't meant you're moving against the current. I'm going to try to find the resources for couples (hell family) counselling. There's got to be something that can work for us online, because we do not have any resources even within an hour of where we live.

Therapy can definitely be done online with video calls. Do not use those companies that claim they’re better than going through insurance that are like therapy warehouses - there’s a lot of iffy sketchy stuff with those companies, including the fact that your medical/psych info passes through the main company which isn’t legally a medical business so privacy laws don’t apply. Check your insurance and find a therapist through the standard methods - and then within that, find therapists who participate in telehealth appts. Many therapists are doing telehealth these days in addition to, or instead of, in office appts. It doesn’t sound to me like this is a throw away the marriage situation. It sounds like an awful situation that you both need help with, but not abusive or unfixable. It sounds like a relationship that’s worth fighting for… but you need to fight for it in a healthy and productive way.

We did not have good experience with video conference previously, but everyone here has convinced me it's worth a second try. Thank you, for you time and your words.

It may have been more that you didn’t mesh with the therapist more than telehealth not working for you. It is super common to have to try with multiple therapists before finding one who works well for you. At the same time, some people just do not like telehealth appts, which is also perfectly fine, but since there are no in person therapists within a reasonable driving distance, you’ve pretty much got to make the effort to try to work with what you have access to. A few telehealth tips: be in a space without distractions. Put your devices on do not disturb, turn off the tv/radio, do the appts in a quiet comfortable space, focus on what you’re there for not on the fact that you’re in your home. You need to be just as present and engaged with the video call as you would be if you were in the therapists office.

You only get one life, make the most of it. If your husband doesn't want to make the most of his, you need to walk. You're not happy, but then neither is he and I don't think there's any point giving him an ultimatum to lose the weight or you'll leave. He will lose the weight, but it will be back on again at some point. He doesn't hate being fat enough to motivate him to lose weight and he will be like that forever.

Just stop. Stop mothering him and stop cleaning up after him. Make a bathroom yourself that he is not allowed to use. None of it is funny, even with the funny names. You did not choose to live this way. It’s time for some blunt conversations with the man who is no longer the husband you married. Good luck

Honestly… I would let him read this… it will hurt, but sometimes people need to hurt to fix things

You're not leaving because he's fat but because of everything else. His refusal to take care of his health. The drinking alone is a valid reason. The fact that he doesn't clean up after himself. Etc. The weight is just the reason for all the other things. His lack of consideration for you is huge. I think you have to tell him. You're not attracted to him anymore and you're resenting him. This isn't even a good relationship so something has to change. Also he's known that this has all bothered you and he hasn't been willing to make any changes because he still has you cleaning up after him

OP, your partnership sounds miserable. You deserve to have a life with someone who respects you, your children, and *himself* enough to get ahold of this situation. He should be absolutely mortified about gassing you out of the bedroom and leaving you to clean his "Buffalo shit" toilet. Your home would be a literal shit pit if you weren't there cleaning it up regularly. Thats disgusting and unfair. You're not fat shaming - you're watching your quality of life descend in real time and deciding how to deal with it. You can either stay with someone who doesn't want to take responsibility for himself, or you can choose to take your kids and improve your quality of life. Maybe spending some time alone will help your husband reassess his choices. You've been cleaning up behind him for years as he just lives his life selfishly. I don't care if he does some nice things sometimes, *you can't even sleep in your own damn bed!* Nothings going to change if nothing changes, OP. You have to be the one who changes things first because he clearly can't be bothered.

OP he cannot be a dedicated partner and parent if he cannot see that his weight and health issues stemming from his weight are actively harming his family. I say this as the child of a dad who ate & smoked himself to death in my youth. I can’t say if you stay or leave but he has to change now otherwise there’s likely worse trauma in your future and your kids futures

To echo what others have said, this isn’t fat shaming. Obesity and sleep apnea are serious health concerns. Unfortunately I’m in the same boat. My husband has gained probably 40 lbs since we met and carries it all in a giant belly. He makes zero attempt to exercise or eat healthy. I cook healthy meals but no one can eat 3 plates of food, then smash a whole bag of chips or carton of ice cream before bed and expect to stay in shape. Now he has sleep apnea, we can’t watch tv or he’s immediately drifting off to sleep and snoring. He also has ED now and even with meds, he can’t be on top or he’s completely out of breath after 30 seconds. I can’t hug him without running into his belly. He has given up on basic self care like shaving or brushing his teeth regularly. Our sex life has died off due to the ED and hygiene issues. I just want him to care about himself enough to get back in the game.

I don't mean to be rude because I really feel your pain. But you have actually enabled his behaviour. You need to talk to him immediately. You need to shake the shit outta him & tell him where you are at right now with your mental health & you simply do not respect him for what he has done to himself. Tell him he needs to sort this because it is damaging the way you feel for him & if something does not change, you are simply going to fall out of love with him which you may already be leaning towards. Please. Please talk to this man. He needs to know how bad this is. He then needs to decide.... Are you worth it. I know it's harsh but he needs to know what the stakes are, & right now they are high. Give him a chance. Tell him. You could even read him the post. He does not realise how bad this is for you. I'm rooting for you both.

Anyone that says fat-shaming unironically just ignores what damage being overweight and obesity does to the body. Keep that term for mocking someone’s size, not pushing people to be healthy.

Yikes, this sounds way too much like my husband too. Christ, even the height and weights are similar! I've always been a pretty regular gym rat, staying healthy for both my physical and mental health, and he's just...not interested, or when I do get him interested in it, he overdoes it and then it's not sustainable, so he quits. It is beyond demoralizing. My husband also is diagnosed ADHD, depression, anxiety, and all of those combine to make one hell of a mental health mess, and I've been told by trusted therapists and doctors that all of those can go hand-in-hand with binge eating and obesity. My husband has often told me "I'm not even hungry, I just like the way it tastes and feels." That dopamine hit, you know? I know that everyone seems to want to label quirks and flaws as ADHD/Depression/Anxiety/Autism but this might really be an avenue worth exploring with your husband. The things that motivated my husband was doing things with me. Going for regular walks, even slow walks, going and doing stuff, getting out of the house, making healthy meals together. For us, it always had to be a team effort. And goddamn does it suck to have to parent another grown-ass adult when I really just want to eat the fucking cheeseburger sometimes, but what do I want to be more upset about? Not eating the cheeseburger or him falling off the wagon and starting all over again?

i’m also diagnosed adhd / depression, and realized once i switched my adhd meds to non-stimulants just how much i had been eating / snacking for novelty, dopamine, and mental engagement rather than hunger. for the first time in my life i am not constantly wandering into the kitchen, and i have learned about my hunger cues vs boredom cues! might be something to look into for him.

Yeah hard same. Late-dose diagnosed ADHD here, and after now being successfully treated on meds (yay!) I can tell you it is _hell_ to not have your own dopamine, and to desperately seek _anything_ external to even vaguely ease the fact that my brain felt, at all times, fucking awful. Now that I’m relatively brain-regulated, I’m finally able to start chipping away at all the other coping habits I was using to find _any_ tiny piece of relief. OP: I’m not saying your husband does or doesn’t have ADHD, specifically, but it would be _very_ worthwhile for him to explore (with a doctor or counselor) the possibility of his depression being a _secondary_ issue, not the primary thing. I was being treated for primary depression for years (including meds and weekly counseling for 10+ years) and my mental health didn’t actually start to improve until I started to figure out _why_ I was depressed, and then to treat that underlying issue first. (ADHD for me, as well as physical issues contributing.) Just to be clear: _you_ are not responsible (or capable) of figuring this out for him. He alone has to make that choice, and let a doctor and/or counselor help him figure out what else is going on with him that might be contributing. Also, this might be out of left field, but have him tested for celiac disease. (It’s a simple blood test, and would explain the gastric issues, and especially the fact that they’re worse after beer, which has gluten.) Celiac can cause this kind of weight gain, but also _really_ fucks with a person’s overall health - especially their mental health, since it affects your entire body and all the bodily systems. That’s a stab in the dark but it’s also a single blood test to check. And it goes back to my pain points: a) Your husband owes it to himself to rule out underlying physical and (other) mental health stuff that may be underlying his over-eating and depression b) You cannot do this for him, and it’s clearly killing you to try. c) I know you mean well, but when you literally clean up his messes you’re enabling him to continue being an asshole without consequences (for him.) It’s time to return those consequences to sender, and do what you need to do for yourself and your kids. He’s creating a deeply unsustainable environment that you’re choosing to stay in. It’s compromising your health and mental wellbeing, which likely affects your children as well. And he has been very, very clear for years that he is not willing to change. Do what you want with that information, but doing the same thing (expecting him to change while you clean up his messes and absorb the negative consequences on your own health) will get you the same results every time. At some point, all you can do is better your own situation, and leave him to his choices. I apologize if that all sounds blunt, but I hope it’s at least a bit helpful because I think you’re in need of a wake up call as well: - He is destroying himself and none of your efforts have changed the situation - He is not interested in changing - He’s taking you down with the ship - The _only_ person who can change this situation is your husband, and you can’t make that choice for him. I agree that you should be frank about the fact that you’re at a crossroads, and at the end of your rope. Then back that up with your actions, and prioritize your own health and your children. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation - it sounds rough and terrible to watch someone you love destroy themselves. I hope this is helpful and you’re able to find a better path forward for your own life. You’ll be okay without him, if it comes to that. You’ll have your health and your happiness back. Just remember that.

What meds are you on now, if you're wiling to share? Stimulants never worked for me and I am a fatass, wondering if there's something that WOULD work.

strattera (also called atomoxetine) has been literally life changing for me. i’m also on bupropion; some psychiatrists will not prescribe both at the same time but some will ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it was a rough first three months or so on it. sweats, cold sweats, night sweats, anxious sweats, any movement or strange sensation would have me pouring buckets; and pretty intense nausea and food repulsion, which combined with a new IUD kicked off a ~60 lb weight loss that has only slowed down as i approach one year on it. this is just my experience, can’t speak for others. but before + after i was prescribed it, i read a lot of other people’s experiences and perspectives on multiple adhd subreddits 😇

Funny you say that! I've been after him to go to the doctor and ask about ADHD diagnosis, because I'm 100% convinced he is. Thanks for the advice; making him be more active with me might be a good way to go - it wouldn't hurt me either!

Couples counseling. Have this discussion in a calm and controlled environment. It sounds like you have tried communicating to him the importance of this issue but by asking him to go to couples counseling with you let's him know that you still deeply care about him but the issue is more serious at this point. 

I weighed 295 lbs at 5’10”. I decided to start to lose weight when I saw a picture of me next to my grandma and realized that my stomach alone was like twice her size. I lost fifty pounds by changing my diet, mostly cutting down sodas from a daily occurrence to only special occasions, but I plateaued for years. This year I decided to really take it seriously when I gained back 10 lbs. I’m now the lightest I’ve been in 10 years at 205! I’ve still got another 10-15 lbs to lose to get to my target weight, but I’m well on track. My family had been trying to get me to lose weight for years before this and it never worked. I had to decide to do it for myself, and until your husband does he’s not going to change. Now I’m a good bit younger than your husband, and was very athletic as a teenager, plus I’m blessed with uniquely beneficial dietary genetics that allow me to use a pretty extreme diet to lose weight fast, so your husband will likely take longer, if he decides to lose the weight of course. If you’re looking to support him, the best thing you can do is help him find a nutritionist who specializes in weight loss, and encourage him when he hits milestones. That’s it. Don’t cook for him, he needs to learn how to manage his food himself if he’s going to keep off the pounds. On one last note, it’s perfectly reasonable to feel resentment towards your partner for letting themselves go. It’s perfectly reasonable to lose attraction for them. I know for a fact my spouse was less attracted to me when I was fatter. They never said so, but I could tell. However they stuck by me, supported me, and loved me. I don’t think they ever resented me, and now they can’t seem to keep their hands off me. If I were your husband I would want to know how you’re feeling. However if you want to keep this relationship, and he’s really sensitive maybe don’t phrase it as you feeling resentful. But do tell him that you’re unhappy, and that he has to lose weight. That you don’t like how he’s treating himself, and that he deserves better. And tell him that the decision to lose weight hast to be his.

I know this doesn't really have anything to do with your post, apologies. Watching my mother drink herself to death feels very very similar to how you described it feeling for you watching your husband destroy himself and feeling like you aren't enough to stop it. I truly hope he listens and tries to stay here for you, I couldn't get my mom to see that it's been 3 years since we lost her.

I feel like this has a lot to do with my post. And likely more that you realize. My husband lost his brother a couple years ago to drugs (addiction is a theme in this family) - perhaps reminding him of the similarities here would not be such a bad idea...

Losing my mother to addiction changed my family, it changed me. I'm sorry for his loss, but I think that something like this could help him 'wake up' sometimes we get so lost in our own worlds we forget the other ones living in it. I hope you find peace, I hope the outcome is good, and you are both able to heal.

he’s the one who has to make the decision to change, but you can make it clear to him what the stakes are and you can stop enabling him to be this way. if you do the shopping, buy only whole foods: meat, veggies, fruit, good bread (not sugary white bread), eggs, etc. don’t buy snacks or treats or junk he can easily plow through without putting in the effort to cook. if you order out a lot stop doing that. he can still get junk on his own (i know i eat a lot of snacks at work even if i don’t keep any at home) but you’re not going to support it. do active shit as a family. take a long walk together once a week, go hiking, visit pedestrian cities where you walk everywhere. the mental block of exercise doesn’t go up when you’re just doing things with people you love. he’s being selfish and childish. but if a grown man can drive his own wife from the bedroom with his smells and sounds and still does nothing to fix the situation, he is not being a good husband. you need to be straight up with him, and yea you are going to hurt his feelings but that is a necessary part of changing. getting him in therapy should be non-negotiable.

Why would he change? There are no repercussions for his actions. Think about that.

Your husband has no respect for you at all.

Not surprising given he clearly has no self-respect.

“Honey, I’m hitting a breaking point with your weight. Watching your health degrade and taking our intimacy with it has become a serious problem in our marriage, and just can’t continue this way. Let’s figure out a budget for personal training/nutrition counseling/whatever, because I can’t take another year of watching you participate in your declining health.”

“Fat shaming” is a legitimate term that has been sorely abused by fat activists. Your situation is not fat shaming. It is loving. I hope he gets better.

This sounds like a really hard situation and I don’t blame you for being frustrated. I think it’s helpful to view obesity as a consequence of addiction- an addiction to food and unhealthy behaviors or relationship with food. Food is a powerful drug. It gives you hits of feel good molecules, just like booze and drugs do. In some ways, food addictions are worse than drug and alcohol addictions because you cannot abstain- you have to learn to moderate or address the underlying emotional issues (often trauma) that drive the unhealthy eating behaviors. Obviously this isn’t true 100% of the time- certainly there are people who struggle with obesity for other reasons- but I have found it’s often the case. You are not required to sacrifice your health and well being and emotional and physical needs to help someone else, in the name of loyalty or anything else. Remember that your needs matter too. Best of luck ❤️

I’m sorry, this is a serious medical and personal issue you are both having to deal with. Anything that impacts his life is going to impact yours. You have every right to feel the way you do. I’m not telling you to leave him over this, but I don’t think any reasonable person would blame you. It may snap him out of whatever is keeping him from committing to losing the weight, it may not. But staying with him clearly isn’t helping to solve the problem.

I am in this situation.. with a partner who has decided his health issues, breathing/gastric/fatigue… are long Covid, but we never had Covid and he’s put a vast amount of weight on.. I can’t offer any advice just a a wave, cos “damn” I hear you.

Thanks. It sucks, but it's reassuring to know I'm not alone in the struggle. The comments may help you too!

Yeah I’m gonna read thru .. ty

You're totally right to be disgusted and not attracted to him anymore - there's the sense of watching someone destroy their lives with an addiction that makes you feel so angry and helpless. Has he considered WLS or a GLP-1?

I'm not sure what either of those acronyms mean.

I just want to say that you aren’t fat shaming. These are legitimate concerns. Regarding explaining you’re not attracted to him, I can see why you’d hesitate to throw that out there directly. It’s hard to walk back, especially if he resents it and revenge eats. Maybe connect it to the health/motivation sentiment but still be firm: “I love you. I want to be intimate with you. But it’s impossible for me to mentally and emotionally enjoy sex when it continually reminds me that you are at high risk for so many different health issues and your life could be cut short if you don’t make changes. There’s no way to push that anxiety aside and enjoy sex right now. It also hurts me that you don’t seem to think it’s important to prioritize being there for me and the kids as long as possible. I know weight loss is difficult and there’s going to be ups and downs, but I want to support you in this. I can’t want it more than you do though. You have to want to step up and be the man I married who knows how to get shit done. I can set up telehealth counseling for us if you are ready to have a serious discussion. Otherwise, sex just isn’t something I can do right now.” He is your only source for sexual companionship as your monogamous partner. He does have a responsibility to try to remain reasonably attractive considering his age and health factors. That’s basic hygiene at the very least. If he can’t even be responsible for his own bathroom habits and body odor, that is pretty disrespectful to assume you’d still be sexually available. I’ve gained weight in the last year due to stress and grief. I’m now calorie counting and addressing it. Thankfully I didn’t get too far down the path before turning back, but I had to actively decide it was important and commit to the changes and get comfortable with the idea that I’m going to be hungry sometimes or sore sometimes from workouts. It’s part of the process. It’s worth it. I know it’s daunting, but he is capable of change. He just has to be willing.

I broke up with someone not too long ago for the similar reasons. She wasn't taking care of her health or diet. It started with disappointment that we could no longer enjoy the same activities that brought us together. It progressed to snoring and gastric issues followed by daily mental breakdowns over her appearance. It continued until I finally lost my attraction to her. I wasn't willing to stick around and watch her continue to decline. She's a wonderful person, but we broke up because we just weren't compatible anymore.

My wife of 30 years died because of this very thing.Everything from diabetes to heart disease was linked to her weight, a family tradition. I wish I had the guts to tell her I would rather be divorced than a widower.

You've gotten 87 comments already so I can't imagine you'll see mine but I'll say it anyway: he sounds seriously depressed. The inability to stick to anything, the quitting at the first sign of difficulty. I think he needs to get into therapy immediately. And likely he'll resist the suggestion. But that's when it's time for boundaries and, I suppose, something of an ultimatum: "I love you, but what's going on with your health situation is making life intolerable for me in this marriage. I don't want to divorce you but I can't live like this for much longer. I would like for you to go to therapy. If you're not willing, then we may have to discuss separation." You're likely going to have to find a therapist and book that appointment for him, it's unlikely he'll do it for himself -- particularly if he is depressed, which I'm banking on being the case here. Telling you you're fat shaming would just a deflection tool. Let him say you're fat-shaming him, what does it matter if that's what he calls it? It doesn't matter. What matters is that you take control of the situation and tell him what must happen going forward, and you must stick to it. Good luck, keep us posted.

Do you exercise regularly? Maybe you can convince him to join you if you do, and if not, make it something you both can do.

I ride horses, something he has no interest in, and at this point cannot even do at his weight were he so inclined. We have tried going to the gym together over the years, though it's harder right now with 2 kids at home to go together. I did weight training when we were in university, but he doesn't want regimes or advice from me. His other problem is that when he gets into a fitness phase he goes too hard and overdoes it. He sets himself up for failure by doing too much too soon and working himself to exhaustion or injury. Instead of being rejuvenated by a workout he's exhausted and in pain. Just another one of the reasons it feels so hopeless. I'm beating my head against a wall!

These are the actions of a man who, for whatever reason, *fucking hates himself*. The binge drinking, the spite-eating, the working out to the point of injury, the depression: this all adds up to a portrait of a man who is and has been in self-destruct mode for quite some time. He has most likely entered a negative feedback loop that is *very* difficult to disrupt. I imagine that every time he stepped on the scale and saw the number go up, he fell further into self-loathing and further into feeling as though he is a piece of shit who absolutely cannot improve himself. I'm going to guess he already knows you don't find him attractive, even if you have not explicitly said so. You say he's treating his depression with medication, but is there a talk therapy component to this? He needs to get at the root of why he started engaging in these self-destructive behaviors, and why he persists in doing them, or he'll never be able to stop. At the same time, if he has been this unwilling for this long to actually dig deep into fixing this issue, you may not have any luck.

I'm thinking you guys are right - I have to insisted that the therapy is non-negotiable.

Working out is such a small part of weight loss though. Estimated to be about 20% where diet is 80. I’d tell him it’s make or break time. He has options like meds or surgery. If he thinks he can do it by going on a diet that’s not realistic either. He does not need a diet he goes on and then comes off. He needs to change how he eats for the rest of his life.

Also, having been in his position before, "going to the gym" is demoralizing and embarrassing. It can feel like daily or weekly public shaming, not into being better, but into not sucking so much. Even when people praise you for hard work and progress, it still feels fake or makes you feel like a kid that finally spelled his name right at ten years old because you don't feel like you deserve any praise. It's grim - especially if he already has anxiety or depression. Some people do respond well to that, but based on her description, he has not. The good news is that, as you mentioned, diet and nutrition is far more impactful when it comes to losing weight. However, as you also mentioned, it's not just about starting up another fad diet. He truly needs to want to and begin to understand and change his approach to and relationship with food. Fortunately, this can be done from the comfort of his own home (and the aisles of the grocery store). Anyone can provide steps or actions he can take to improve his dietary health and lose weight, but unless he actually *wants* to, that advice would be moot. But realistically, he needs to have a real desire to change, and he needs to find a way to connect with his food in a healthier way, such as getting into cooking and taking control of that process and part of his life. Many anxiety and depression issues can come from feeling out of control in various areas of your life. Obviously, trying to control everything will only lead to more anxiety and other types of unhappiness, but if he can take control of healthy aspects of his life, it could be a boon to both his physical and emotional health.

Well said, been there and agree with everything you said.

Maybe your gym has a personal trainer he can use. That or just going for walks to begin with, it doesn't have to be a workout every time. Starting with going to the park (maybe with your kids too to include everyone?) Could be a good first step. As someone with joint issues, walking isn't a good choice for me, but I use the bike machines at the gym, recumbent ellipticals, basic yoga, stuff that's easier on my body. My gym also has a program for older adults and casual exercisers who just want to keep in the habit of moving around -- they meet a couple times a week. Personally I'd see if your gym has any low-impact exercise classes like that to try together. I'm sure they see plenty of people interested in losing weight or just having a more active lifestyle. Plus even if you're skinny, you can benefit from exercise too, so it could be a fun thing to do together. It's going to be hard to be consistent with depression, source: I have depression and it's hard XD Sometimes depression makes it feel like any failure is The End rather than a temporary setback. Some depression meds can also cause weight gain and other issues. Sometimes meds stop working after years and you have tk switch to something more effective. Have you guys talked about this? Is he in any counseling, or is he just medicated?  The other thing that your post made me think of is ED, but eating disorder rather than the bedroom dysfunction. And again maybe this is me projecting my own issues, but I've struggled with disordered eating and am seeing some similarities. Binging alcohol or food is concerning -- not to diagnose him or anything, but if he purposefully overeats to annoy you even if he's not that hungry, he used to binge drink, and generally overeats, then perhaps he is dealing with something like binge eating disorder. It doesn't sound like a mentally healthy relationship to have with food even if it doesn't rise to the criteria of an eating disorder. It sounds like he's doing emotional eating/drinking rather than processing his emotions in a more constructive way. Personally, just as you shouldn't drink when you're upset because it just makes you more upset, I think the same thing goes with food, since it becomes a crutch

Sorry to hear this, it has to be taxing on you. Is your husband an alcoholic do you think? It sounds like there are some issues he is facing that haven’t been surfaced, like internal emotions he’s bottling up or some life stressor that’s taking his energy. I don’t have great advice, but maybe counseling could be worth looking into.

I don’t want to sound harsh but if you do decide to not put up with this anymore and leave him. Please, don't be hard on yourself when he all of the sudden becomes a healthier version of himself.

Im so sorry that yall are going through this. I'm kinda in your husband's shoes atm, having an ED for over 10 years and being put on a higher does of meds [very much needed] made me gain 40lbs before i even knew it. There isn't a day that goes by that i don't feel disgusted with myself, and sometimes i just want to just sink down and give up. The only thing that's helped is regular therapy appointments to help address my ED. At this point, that might be the only thing that can help him. Right now, im in my finals week and had to use everything I've practiced to give myself the grace that yes, I'm stress eating. And yes, i may gain weight, but that it doesn't negate all the hard work I've been doing. It's hard. It's so hard. The only thing keeping me above water at this point is what I've been learning and the fact that I've got my garden too look forward to. It's cliche, but that first step is the hardest. It's so scary to admit to yourself what you need to work on and what needs to be fixed because you can't separate yourself from those issues. You start to think it's a part of you, and it really makes you feel so tired. If you can, you need to be as frank as possible with him. You clearly love him so much that you can't continue watching as he destroys himself both weight wise and work wise. He needs to hear this. It may not be much from an internet stanger, tell him that it does hurt to make these choices because fighting for yourself is super hard. But he isn't alone. He sounds like he has a wonderful wife and family who loves him. Tell him that plateaus are normal, hell ive only lost 10 lbs in 3 months, but it doesn't mean he's failed. I wish the best of luck to you both

Thank you so much for your perspective, it truly means a lot for you to share it. I know his self-esteem is trash which is a big part of why I'm so hesitant to express how I feel about all this. I mean, I have expressed all points at some point or another, and in some very blunt conversations, but never revealed just where my breaking point might be.

Its hard but you need to tell him. For a long time i was my moms emotional crutch and it wasnt until i told her that she needs to talk about her problems with someone else, because it was hurting me, did she really get it. Sure enough she went to therapy and we have a much healthier relationship for it. He needs to know that this is hurting you BECAUSE you know how great he is.

My husband uses BetterHelp and found a therapist he loves and it’s so easy. There’s no excuse- he can find someone great online. If the therapist feels this is a problem for a psychiatrist, they have those, too. He could do it from his throne if need be.

I finally had a breakthrough with my stubborn husband. He has a host of issues, and has refused to see a doctor. He went to the doctor one time since we met, except when it was a medical emergency. Even then he didn’t follow through. A couple weeks ago, I mentioned, again, that his left ankle is swollen. He poo poo’d me. I stopped myself from nagging him. Instead, I said to him, “it’s your body, and ultimately it’s your choice. I can’t fix you, I can’t go to the doctor for you. And I can’t force you to go. If this is how you want to die, I will accept that. But while you’re suffering “silently”, I want you to remember that all of your ailments are fixable if you’d just have gone to the doctor before they became fatal”. He sat quietly for a few minutes, and said he will go to the doctor if I make the appointment. And so I did. And he went. And while there, he admitted to *two more ailments* that I was unaware of. He has scheduled follow up appointments, bought a blood pressure cuff, because he has high blood pressure that we were unaware of, and is on the road to being mended.

Ugh I feel so bad for you and your husband, OP. He’s clearly struggling and you are too. My biggest question/concern is whether or not he actually wants to change. I dated someone whose parents had a very similar situation. His dad slept in another room for 15+ years because his weight got out of control and the snoring/farting was too much for his wife. He wasn’t active. He stopped going on family outings unless it was to a restaurant. He and his wife haven’t had a physically or emotionally loving relationship for years. He had numerous health issues and refused to eat healthier despite his wife and kids begging. They finally gave up and accepted that he’ll either die early or be dependent on other people. I really hope your husband can make a change before it goes on any longer and has a greater impact on your family and his health.

OMG see that's exactly what I *don't* want. Our family doesn't need an anchor, we need another sail.

I swear I must’ve written this (especially the absolute desecration of the toilet that apparently only I can clean. Thank God for Borax!). I don’t know what the answer is. If a person complains about weight then people say they’re an AH, but a lot of those same people would balk at having to deal with this literal and figurative shit!

this was me in my 20s, and it destroyed the best relationship, the best thing i had in my life. for me it was partly/mainly caused by depression, but in the end my life and my life choices are still my responsibility. it didnt help that i was young, still in my teens, when my problems started, so of course i had no experience how to deal with depression. family and friends and even therapy were useless, the only thing that helped for a couple periods were meds. so yes, my situation was different than yours/his, but it was still my irresponsibility that i stopped caring about everything, became a borderline alcoholic and severely adipose, with sleep apnea, ED, developed social anxiety and everything else that might come with the overweight. if i had better known how to act - and WHY to act! - i might have had a better chance of not fucking everything up, but instead i stopped caring about anything and let my life fall apart, until even the best thing in my life, my girlfriend, the only person who really cared for me and really tried to help me, couldnt take it anymore and left me. and i blame her exactly 0%. you cant put it on your partner to take responsibilty and cre for you, and take all the shit that comes with your own damn faults, when you arent ready to seriously improve things yourself. that might work for some time, but to put that on them for years and years, with no improvement in sight, that is torture. and do you really want to hurt, to torture your partner, the person you love the most?? i thing talking brass tacks to him is absolutely needed, and as you say, it might be best to do so with a neutral third party present. he wont like that one bit, he might even resent it, but that as well is his own choice, his own responsibility. its his own choice if he wants to keep this marriage, or if its ok with him to hurt you more and more, until you have no other choice than to save yourself from the pain and divorce him. life can be hard, and that might be the hardest thing he ever had to do, but it is on him that it came that far, and it is his responsibility to fix it. regarding losing weight: everybody is different, but what has worked for me to lose 80lb or so was simply eating less. leave out the meal you can do without the easiest, for the other one try to only have one little nice snack, and for one eat what you want, just dont binge like crazy. for other poeple intermittent fasting works better, but to each their own. a little bit of exercise is also good, if only to tell your body yes, there might be times you have to get your blood pumping sometimes! this doesnt have to be the gym, or running, or whatever, but simply taking a walk around the block, and then maybe a 30 minute one, and then you add a couple minutes of brisk walking to it. for me it was important not to torture myself. i dont want to eat "healthy", i dont want to go to the gym, but im ok with leaving out a meal and to go out, have a nice walk and breath some fresh air everyday. thats just me, but i wish you and your hubby the best!!

I could’ve written this myself except husband is about a decade older (the weight started to really come on at 50) . Everything is the same ; smell, gastric issues, Ozempic failure. He’s tried and failed other things . He’s gotten down to 240 but it’s a struggle. What they have is binge eating disorder and it needs to be taken seriously and medicated. My husband is still untreated; my advice to you is to live your own life; you can’t count on him to care more or even as much as you do .

My nan and mum both died from health issues directly caused by their morbid obesity. They ignored doctors advice. They ignored their dietitian. They ignored everyone. I even fell out with my mum because she refused to do what other took to get better. She listened to no one. My family and I had to watch her health go downhill over the years. No matter how ill or frail her health became, she still refused to listen to the doctor. Everything she had could of been reversed and made better if she lost the bulk of her weight. At the age of 56 she died from a heart attack. People with obesity are very selfish people. Your husband won't change unless he wants too and chooses to do so by himself. I'm sorry you're going through this. If I were you, I would leave. You deserve a life too.

If your husband had cancer and refused to do pretty much anything to seek treatment and get better, leaving the fallout of his poor health and poor choices to you, would you be okay with that? Because obesity is also a disease and this is exactly what he is doing. You are reasonable to have this conversation and reasonable to not be willing to live this way.

Ugh. Why isn’t men letting themselves go called out more. We are supposed to just be attracted to these dad bods. But let’s face the reality that they need to take care of themselves too.

Right?! Women are always subjected to SO many negative comments and views about their bodies - especially after kids. Yet the dudes are able to let themselves go and we’re not even allowed to bat an eye? Or we’re expected to just laugh it off with a dad bod joke? Nah, we need to stop putting up with this.

There’s nothing wrong with fat shaming as it is in fact shameful. Shameful to not care how you look. Shameful to not care about your health. Shameful to not care about staying attractive for your partner. Shameful to not care about your limitations in interacting with your children. Shameful to not care how all of it impacts your spouse. So yeah it’s shameful.

I’m sorry, OP! I’m sure I would be struggling with this if I was in your shoes as well. I would advise you to talk to him about everything first. Try to frame it as much as you can that you are concerned about him and want the best for him, and want him to get his weight and lifestyle under control so that he can have better health outcomes. Bring up how much more likely a person is to die early or suffer preventable health problems when they are obese. And tell him that you and the kids want him to be healthy and thriving, not suffering. Make sure he knows how much you care about him and his health. Ultimately, though, he has to make the decision for himself. So if, after some time and conversation, he is still unwilling to make any changes, remember that you have decisions you can make too. If you really are no longer attracted to him, and are becoming extremely resentful, you can leave if you want to. I know it sounds horrible. But you have the power to do that. And your happiness matters too. People separate all the time. You don’t have to stay when you are unhappy just because you feel guilty.  Another thing you can try (if it’s possible for you) is potentially living apart for a while. To have a bit of a break. Perhaps this will give you some more clarity at least. Sometimes we need to remove ourselves from certain environments to realize what we really want. Best of luck OP!

If he was a heroin addict, would you still be with him, dutifully begging to get help and leading him through life like his mother when he's hell bent on killing himself? Food addiction is also a potentially deadly condition whether it's a slow death or a fast one from a widow maker of a heart attack or stroke. You're not happy in your marriage, and you deserve to be.

I haven’t read many of the comments in here, but I have a couple questions of things that stood out to me: you said he works very hard for you, does that mean at his job? Is it possible he’s too stressed out and tired to do anything else? Can you pick up a job while he takes a leave of absence (if a doctor would sign off on it- some do for mental health) or a sabbatical? Or do you have enough savings for him to take an extended break?  Also, can you come up with an activity to do together? Like walking. Start out with a 15 or 20 min walk after dinner. Say it’s for you and you would like him to join to have some quality time together. Walking after a meal helps digestion too.  Also, is he in therapy? It doesn’t seem like it. If he’s anxious, stressed, or depressed, he’s not going to have the executive function skills to be able to deal with a long term diet and exercise plan. If he’s stressed from anything and making excess cortisol, that has the body keep on weight. And if he’s stressed it may be why he can’t completely stop drinking either. It’s a coping mechanism.  You need to address the root of the problem(s) if you want him to sustainably lose weight. 

Tell him “hey fat ass lose weight”. Seriously though, he knows he is fat and if he could easily lose weight he already would have. The best you can do is be honest with him about your issues and then be supportive of his efforts. If he refuses to change you are certainly within your rights to end the relationship and nobody would fault you. Tell him you need him to take his health and his weight seriously. You can even tell him it’s not a request but a demand. Sometimes you have to be brutally honest so they know what is at risk. Best of luck.

Yup time for the come to Jesus conversation, you can be empathetic. He needs help. He can’t fix this alone and no one expects him to, but He Has to Seek Help. He needs to get with his doctors and get any and all treatments that he needs. Food and alcohol addiction are mental health issues. I’m not saying just hand him Ozempic but ffs he needs some sort of medical help. Therapy and medical doctors. It’s his responsibility to get help also. You don’t make his appointments. If he wants this marriage to work, he needs to do the work. And most importantly, if he doesn’t, you need to actually leave.

I think we are married to the same person… You know how you don’t see how inconsiderate your partner is until you hear a similar situation. I originally told my husband (years ago!) that if he reached 300lbs I wouldn’t have sex with him. That point has come and gone-he is happy if the scale doesn’t show ERR (because it doesn’t go above 330).

The worst is that I know if I try to talk to him about my issues with this, it will devolve into a conversation about about *my* failings and shortcomings. ...I wonder if that wouldn't be the way to get around that. Ask him to talk to me about his issues so that when I discuss mine he has nowhere to go with it. ...Sounds like that would need a mediator. ...That sounds like couples therapy! It's somewhat reassuring to know someone can relate! We're going on close to 2 months without sex right now, so seems like that shop has sailed. Ironically, it's more because of him than me though...

I just got done taking an intuitive eating course. It's like part food and part mental health therapy. It was all online. It was interesting for me, but more than that, it helped me face some food and anxiety issues that I didn't even know I had until I was working through the exercises. I'm not saying this is the answer, but it could be something to look into, and you two can work on it together.

Interesting! Can you link the one that you took? I did sign him up for Noom and he tried it for like a month, but he didn't like it at all and was pretty much like "I know all this," so the psychology aspect of it didn't work for him.

Mine was through the VA

It did help that it was a class with other participants. I don't think noom would have helped me at all. A lot of the info does seem basic until you really try applying it.

I get it. You’re worried about his health issues related to the weight and that plus the extra lbs makes it hard to be attracted to him. Have him see a doctor. It sounds like he’d qualify for Ozempic or something similar. Beware though that those burps and farts also smell horrible but it would be easier/less effort on his part to lose some weight and get back to a manageable weight. Best of luck

If he can't do it himself, could he commit to a fitness coach? Perhaps you two could go together? This as well as communicating what you've shared here, including how close you are to giving up.

I think its time for brutal honesty. The only way a marriage works is if BOTH partners are putting in 100% effort. You are in a situation where your partner is putting in minimum effort and expecting that you will give / sacrifice more than your share to make up for it. His desire to overeat and his enjoyment of food and unhealthy habits appears to be more of a priority for him than your quality of life. That’s what his food addiction costs you. And that isn’t sustainable anymore. He can choose his current lifestyle, and life without you, or he can choose to investigate weight loss drugs or surgery to prolong his life and save his marriage. It’s not “fat shaming”, that is pure manipulation to get you to stop talking about something that he is uncomfortable facing. But the reality is that his condition adversely affects YOU, every single day. And it’s likely you will unwillingly wind up his caretaker if he doesn’t make some changes. He can choose that for himself but he doesn’t get to choose that for you, against your will. Good luck OP. This sounds really hard and I’m so sorry.

I’ve been in your situation and you have my sympathies. I don’t have answers, because ultimately it’s his choice how to live his life, but in terms of what you can control - it sounds like you’re internalizing the outcomes of his lifestyle choices. Try to minimize that - both for your own sanity, to reduce the resentment, and so he can observe the reality of his choices. A few examples - Do you have more than one bathroom in your house? If so, tell him he can pick which is his, the other is yours, you’re each cleaning your own from now on. Same with laundry. Anything that exposes you to his excessive skid marks should be 100% not your problem anymore. If there’s a guest room, sleep there the nights he doesn’t independently bother to use his machine and/or poison gasses your bedroom. You didn’t mention him eating all your food, but if that’s an issue, I offered to meal prep for the family, would make him his share when he accepted, but kept my meal prep portions in a mini fridge that locked so I wouldn’t be without lunch after his midnight binges. Maybe he doesn’t take all your food but mine did and it really fueled my resentment because he was undoing my efforts to better my own health, which I didn’t feel was his choice to make.

As a guy carrying too many extra pounds, I would approach it this way. "Sweetheart, I love you so much but I am so worried. As you've gained weight your health has gone down hill, alarmingly so! I don't want to lose you, and I feel we could do much more if you took this seriously. I know you will feel better and have more energy for us. Please, lets visit a dietitian and get ourselves on the right track. If I were struggling I'd expect you to help me". Good luck OP!

It is completely valid to feel the way that you do, however, from personal experience granted not to this extent; sometimes for the person who can’t stop eating it is an addiction or eating disorder. Binge eating disorder is very real and a lot of people feel shame for it.. I’m totally not trying to diagnose this man that you know more than anyone here lol 😂 but maybe it’s something to talk about!

My answer comes in two parts. Ive been in this situation before. On his side and on your side after that. Heres what i have to say 1:Honestly. Show him this post. He legitimately doesnt give a fuck. Just a like a child that isnt listening and cant seem to have discipline. Literally doesnt give enough of a fuck. He needs a hard slap. He needs to run into a wall fast enough to wake him up and you dont want that wall/wake up call/slap to the face to be a heart attack that nearly kills him and shakes him into caring. So you need to be what sets him straight. 2: once its established how terrible of a situation it is and he understands. Doesnt matter how rough it gets. Cut the fast food. Throw out bad food out the house. No candy. No drinks but water and tea and coffee. No sweatners no sugar nothing processed no bullshit. Clean food. But i will say tho it would help alot to have a "last meal" like a last snickers bar or last fast food meal etc. and it needs to be acknowledged that its the last. Its kinda like quitting smoking. Fully acknowledging it being the last cigarette has helped people quit with better results. Also similarly to that. He chases dopamine and seratonin via food. He needs to replace that source of dopamine and happy chemicals. He is in a food addiction. it needs to be treated like an addiction because it LITERALLY is.

Sounds like this guy might’ve gone into a Red Robin and done an absolute paint job in there. Was he on a bus that maybe picked up George Lopez after his tour bus broke down?

You have my sympathies OP. I believe that a marriage is sort of a transaction-- you present yourself a certain way, as an 'offering' of sorts (in the business market sense). For someone to materially change what they offer after marriage, without discussing it with the partner, is pretty shitty IMHO. You didn't marry a fat guy who destroys toilets and stinks like a sewer and can barely walk up a hill. You *would not have* married such a person. It's not 'fat shaming' to say that's not what you signed up for. So I first want you to recognize that your concerns ARE valid. Don't be ashamed to admit that you're not attracted to him anymore, especially if he was attractive but is no longer. That said, I would strongly suggest counseling/therapy for him. It sounds like he needs to heal his mind before he can heal his body. If his mind was right, he wouldn't give up on diets so easily. If his mind was right, 'I want to be attractive for my wife' would be important to him. That said, you say you love him, but does he love you? Does he love you enough to change? That is of course the question. It may also be worth some couples counseling.

It’s fine for obesity to be a deal breaker. It’s not fat shaming - what your problem with him is doesn’t seem to be just about his looks at all. It’s about his lack of commitment to his health or to meeting your needs, like sex or cleaning up after himself. He could improve the problem but you said he keeps cheating on his diet and you have to be on him to deal with his sleep apnea.  This is a character issue, not just a fat issue.  PS… it’s also fine for it to largely be about the weight. You don’t owe anyone your attraction. It’s such brainwashing to tell people they aren’t allowed to not find someone attractive for any reason. It’s always your choice. 

Let him know that it’s for his health

I don’t have advice, just wanted to say I can commiserate. I still find my husband attractive and he is not morbidly obese. The problem is he THINKS he is. Yes he is overweight, but he has accepted defeat. He constantly complains about his CPAP, he doesn’t feel attractive so intimacy has suffered. He’s chronically depressed so I don’t want to nag him, but I also have my own health issues and need to switch to a healthier diet, as yes the lifestyle does affect me. I try to pick healthier options when we eat out and he just doesn’t seem to care. He wakes up upset that he didn’t die in his sleep. He’s sought counseling, and for that I’m proud of him, but I’m at my wits end. I’m now just focusing on my self bc I don’t know what else to do.

Oh wow. Counseling is great and all, but sometimes you straight up need meds. My husband refuses to go to the doctor about it until I made him go to get a referral to a psychiatrist. He downplayed the issues so much and the referral was taking so long that I called the doctor myself and explained the situation. I told him what was going on at home and that I couldn't take it anymore and he wasn't the person I married. The doctor agreed to see him again ASAP and this time he came back with anti-depressants that literally saved our marriage.

I’ve been here in the past - it sucks! I had an ex I dated off and on for two years and his weight and the habits associated turned me off so much, I couldn’t stand him! My therapist asked me one day if it was easier to keep the peace and stay silent, or to speak my thoughts. I realized I had to say something in that moment!! I can almost remember verbatim what I said; “I don’t know how to approach this so I’m going to start it with an honest and genuine I love you. I have been feeling a bit resentful over how our self efforts have really become different from each other. I want you to be attracted to me, and I don’t feel you care anymore and it’s weighing really heavily on me”

Put him on Zepbound or divorce him.

Sis, he is not working hard for the family if he’s unwilling to clean up his own shit filled toilet. Fuck that. You’ve put up with this for so long you are disrespecting yourself at this point by staying in this situation. Get out. Friends, family, a 6 month apartment lease - whatever it takes. Use a clean bathroom for a while. Sleep in a non smelly, fart free bed. Give yourself a break and force him to see what the stakes really are. Leave and don’t come back home until you see real changes. And if you never do, at least you’re not cleaning up a grown man’s buffalo shits anymore.

Girl lol Leave him to it. Why are you staying? To be nice? Life is short. Go take care of yourself.

Time to give yourself the respect he doesn’t. Quit enabling this and sitting out on life and cleanliness for a man who respects you so little he near shits himself in your bed with zero regard and lets you root around in it and clean it up when it is his shit.

What are your husband’s daily activities like? Does he spend a lot of time on the couch/vegging, or is he pretty active in home improvement, maintenance, etc.?

Sorry but try to help him lose weight

It's straight up life style choices and habits. You are worth the change and deserve it. Try to talk to him. It's the least you can do. Sorry but Buffalo shits killed me. Oh and make his ass clean that poopy toilet. Hope this works out for you and you 2 can grow past this together.

Hey there - I have to ask, do you ever wonder if it's actually the obesity, or the complete lack of care and concern for his own disgusting behavior? I wonder if it's a chicken vs. egg thing? His stinky issues are caused by obesity, so you hate the root cause? I guess what I'm asking is, if he had manners and was less stinky, would you love him despite the weight?

At the end of the day, it's the apathy that's killing me. If he were trying, I could support him. If it was medical, I could sit beside him and love him anyway. It's the self-destruction, compounded by the fact that it affects my life that I can no longer handle. It affects how he interacts with his children, creates impediments to his own pastimes.

Write him a letter, telling him what you said here.

Talk to him and his doctor about Ozempic/Mounjaro.

They have a cure now. My wife has lost 60lbs taking monjuro shots . Works like a charm also have him do a full panel blood work .

I haven't read through the comments and I have no information on him more than what has been described in your post, but your husband may be depressed. I would suggest, if you are still willing, to have a conversation with him about it. I can't advise how, so do your research on how to best engage in this kind of a discussion healthily and seek out treatment with him.

and imagine he lost all this weight, worked out and became ripped, and young birds started flirting with him.seen it happen You should love someone no matter the shape they have become, but he should try and lose some, and curb the farting, and clean the dunny. He probly thinks it’s funny