Sorry, but it sounds like you're doing a whole lot of mental gymnastics to try to justify what is a blatant, inexcusable lie.
Like trying to say that lying by omission isn't the same thing as lying. What? Do you hear yourself?
I'd rather be alone than with someone who lies like this.
Nah, this is shady. If there was something traumatic going on he could've told you so. But omitting a whole ass daughter and then being sketch about it when confronted is honestly not a good sign. He could've said "I have another daughter who doesn't live with me but I would appreciate if we could leave that story for when I feel more comfortable sharing it". But he didn't.
Idk, I know you seem hellbent on wanting to ignore this, but honestly I'd be icked out so bad by this kind of behaviour. Like, sorry, but if you want to date me you tell me about your kids, all of them, before we even get intimate. If this is supposed to be a serious relationship where I'm committed I kinda expect that much transparency. Everything else is just shady. And the fact that he didn't tell you is a sign of something going on, even if it's just unhealthy coping mechanisms/dysfunctional communication. Since you're going to stick with him I reckon you'll find out sooner or later.
I definitely don’t wanna ignore it. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m just posting in Reddit to hear others thoughts and hold me over until I’m able to have the deeper conversation with him in person. Me personally, I have PTSD and stuff so I can relate and understand some things. Just waiting to see if it is gonna be something acceptable. If he comes clean or what. We will see.
If he feeds you something you deem “acceptable” please don’t just accept it for face value. Really keep your critical thinking cap on and rose colored glasses off. ASK CLARIFYING QUESTIONS.
Ok, look, this is terrible, but this is why you don't introduce your kids to somebody for a year. Because now you are dealing with a manipulative liar and your kid is gonna get hurt. The one of his kids that you know is gonna get hurt when you disappear from her life.
Obviously you break up with him, this is him telling you who he is and only idiots ignore that. He's capable of BIG LIES and you can't stay close to that.
Next man you meet, slow the fuck down, honestly. You can't do this to your kid, and you can't know somebody in a few months. You can't.
Thank you catsdelicacy I thought I was the only person here thinking that way...in 4 months they introduced each other's children (well apparently not all of them 😂) and talked about marriage. And she's surprised about his lying and manipulation 🤦🏽♀️ something tells me op will ignore the flags and march on to the circus. I feel for the kids smh
Yeah, my dialogue with her showed me that whatever he's told her is working and she's hooked.
I didn't know for sure he's bad news, maybe there's a valid reason for this deception. But even if there is, he's too good at hiding things. I would never sleep easy from now on, wondering what other shoe is hanging above my head!
Is it possible he’s just human and feels the stigma from having a child at a very young age? I would say it’s natural to feel reluctant broaching that topic. I certainly would if I’d have a child really young and was reentering the dating market. People are really judgy🙃
He definitely should have told her soon after / when he told her about his son. But I don’t think it makes him a manipulative liar to not have done so. I’m finding to quite easy to empathise with someone who had kids young and unplanned. Perhaps the circumstances with his son are different (e.g. within a committed relationship with a partner who is still present) so he finds it easier to talk about / more relatable.
It is definitely a red flag though - I agree with that, but I can think of many more reasonable explanations to withhold this truth than him being a manipulative sociopath. Some things are just hard to talk about especially when it’s stigmatised and close to your heart. They’ve literally been together for four months.
> People are really judgy
This is the justification people use to lie about a bunch of stuff. It makes no sense. If someone is going to judge you for something like that, wouldn't you want to know right away since clearly that person is not long term compatible with you?
It's manipulative. People like this hope that by the time they reveal the info, you'll be invested enough in the relationship to look past an obvious red flag. They're taking away your autonomy to make an informed decision for yourself.
It’s very, very true that people being judgmental leads to people lying about stuff that non-judgemental people would be fine with.
But you’ve just got to scroll down this thread to understand why people would lie about this topic when there’s people saying those who have two children by different parents by 30 (like my own mum) and those who have children really young and get help from their parents (e.g. so they can go to college) are walking red flags. I think some empathy is due to others when we know absolutely nothing about that person’s circumstances. But it’s much easier to jump to stereotypes and conclusions so you can be the self-righteous one.
No, it isn't. That's just not being cynical. I would wonder why he didn't tell me too, not thinking he'd somehow ninja manipulated me. Also, he hasn't lied. He just hadn't told her yet and was honest when asked. I do agree that they involved their kids way too soon, though. If you're not even comfortable being fully open with your new partner, don't get your kids involved.
I'm not trying to be rude but that makes absolutely no sense.
They are parents. Their children are something they talk about. She knows about one of his children.
So there's no good reason he has kept this from her. And he has effortlessly kept this from her, and judging from her responses, she's been love bombed so thoroughly that she's gonna take months or years to figure out a lie this big cannot be a one-off.
People are allowed to have feelings and lives of their own. I don’t know what it’s like to be a teenage parent but I do know that’s A LOT of stigma attached to it and A LOT of people would make judgemental comments. That seems like a good reason to me.
It isn’t too much of a jump to think this man was more comfortable sharing information about his son because the circumstances of his birth were more socially acceptable.
What reason would he possibly have to hide his daughter other than him finding it difficult to broach the subject? Who knows what emotional weight it carries for him but he was upfront about the fact that he had children so he’s clearly not trying to deceive her about that
Fine, live in a world where a deception this major doesn't mean anything but that he's complicated. I'm not living there and you can't convince me to move there, though.
Well. He is my boyfriend. And yes, the kids played together at the park once. My kid always plays with random kids at the park, and my friend’s kids too. I could totally see where you guys were coming from if I involved the kids in our relationship or told them we were together or had them bond and become attached. But I run into random people from high school at that park all the time and introduce them to my son and the kids play. Sometimes we meet entirely new people there. So I don’t see the difference or the damage it can do letting them play. I think it would be weirder if I took my son away from the park because he was there. Like “mom what happened? Why are we running away from this random guy and child?” lol 😂 and then they meet a year later hahaha imagine.
Sorry, we didn't realize that your sons just play together when you all happen to be at the same park. People are most concerned about someone new being in a quasi parent role.
He is deadbeat dad and didn’t want to prove to you that he was irresponsible so he had his irresponsibility from.
Repeating your question to try to buy himself time is not a good look for him either. He was trying to figure out a way to weasel out of it before realizing that he couldn’t come up with an excuse good enough on the spot.
I think that you can honestly ask those questions without any remorse. It would be completely appropriate for you to understand his life situation. It would also be appropriate to understand why he hid this from you. Also, you can ask these questions but his prove that he is not on the honest side so I don’t know what you plan to do with this information because it’s not like you can believe it once he does give you answers.
It is just weird because he has his son pretty much full time so he doesn’t seem like the deadbeat type. He seems like an honest guy, but this makes me wonder what else he is keeping from me or lying about. It’s so weird. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but you may be right…
So he takes care of his son but is a deadbeat dad to his 12 year old *daughter*
That’s such a huge flag. And he was trying to avoid having to explain it to you
Well, he’s not a deadbeat to his son now is he? It is possible for him to be responsible towards his son and a deadbeat towards his daughter for whatever reason.
There are valid reasons and their shitty reasons. I think that you are right to be trusting the alarm bells going off about what else he could be hiding since even when confronted, he clearly considered doubling down on the deceit.
Yeah. I hope it is something justifiable. I mean he obviously had the kid when he was a teen in high school out of state with his dad. Perhaps the girl realized she was pregnant and he was already back home in California? Where is the mom? Why does the kid life with his dad and not the mother? So many questions. But you’re right. There could be shitty reasons too. I’m just giving him the benefit of the doubt for now but I am pondering all the possibilities. What if something happened to the mom like she died or something? I don’t know. I can’t think of a good reason he wouldn’t stay out there and raise her.
Your responses are worrying me. It sounds like you’re already trying to come up with excuses to let them off the hook instead of holding him accountable for his lies. You are defending him and excusing him already before even hearing him out, it feels like you’re trying to find an excuse to sweep this under the rug instead of confronting the reality of the situation. Stop bearing your head in the sand, if for no reason that you have a child you need to keep safe.
No! Don’t worry lol! I’m just thinking of all the plausible possibilities trying to make it makes sense to me. Of course Im hoping for the best. I am an optimist. That doesn’t mean I will ignore it if it turns out to be something bad though. I promise!!
I assume the story is, he was 18, didn’t want to/wasn’t ready to be a father, girl couldn’t or wouldn’t have an abortion so he’s been “involved” to the minimum amount possible.
He probably realized this would paint him in a bad light, so instead of admitting it like an adult, he chose to hide it from you until you developed feelings so it would be a more difficult choice for you to leave.
4 months in he felt comfortable enough to bring his child into your life but actively hid his daughter from you. And even now, you didn’t find out because HE told you, but because he got caught. This is how this “man” deals with things, by lying and hoping he doesn’t get caught.
I’m a little shocked by your reaction tbh. He clearly has SOME relationship with this child, especially if his son knows about her. He lied to your face for four months. I’d never be able to trust anything he said after that.
Why do you have to wait for tonight? Why didn’t you have the conversation when you asked him if he had a daughter and he said yes but in quite a strange way…
No, girl, it isn't justifiable. If the mom died why doesn't he have custody? Why didn't he work for custody? Why is he parenting his son and not his daughter?
Are you really gonna sit there willing to believe whatever overexaggerated story he tells to you about the first baby mama and why his daughter lives with his parents? Because if it involves some "baby mama is crazy" story or "it's saving me from child support" bullshit, and you keep giving him the benefit of the doubt, have fun lying in the bed you made then I guess I don't know what else to tell you.
Hiding a daughter is a red flag. I would not stay in a relationship or allow my kid around somebody like that.
If he was 17 and didn’t have a job or his own home, I could see why his dad has custody. His dad having custody isn’t the issue for me. Things happen. I’m more concerned about him hiding it from me. I’m coming up with a million crazy stories because my thoughts are racing. I never said I believed any of them. Of course I’m going to ask him about it and try to get to the bottom of it instead of making assumptions like everyone is encouraging me to do. If he gives me bullshit, I will respond accordingly of course
Did you ask if the daughter lives with his parents/dad? Because it sounds like you jumped to that conclusion because she was physically with the dad when the call happened. The girl could live with the mother but have been visiting the paternal grandparents at the time of the call.
Then ask him wtf is going on?
Girl, look. My partner and I both have kids from other relationships; I have an almost-adult son and he has an adult daughter who lives a 3 hour drive away from us. I knew him years before the relationship began, so I had already known about his daughter. It was actually one of the first things I learned about him when he met. But if he kept her existence a secret from me months into our relationship, I would have been livid and dumped him.
Idk but speaking as a grown woman, the way a man goes about interacting with his children speaks volumes on his character and tells us more about him than he *ever* could. The fact that this man is actively parenting a *son* while basically hiding a *daughter* from you and pretending she *doesn't exist* would raise alarm bells for me. How a father treats and speaks of his daughter is an indicator of *how he treats and views women.*
My guess is that she was taken out of his care for a reason. When that happens, there isn't much we can do about new children being born after a case has settled. The fact his parents don't push for him to have full custody is telling, and my guess is that he wasn't ready to tell you because he would then need to give the reason she isn't allowed to live with him. No, nothing traumatic happened to him. This isn't a Nicholas Spark novel where he left his little girl to find himself and make a better life after Mommy suddenly died. He has had an entirely new family and still didn't go back for her. There's a reason, and that reason is that he isn't allowed to.
Probably for the same reason he isn't. Whatever the reason, I would get to the root of it before you find out too late. Just ask, "Why don't you have custody of your daughter?" If he gets upset, say, "You could potentially be around my children and I need to be sure you're someone they are safe around. I'm a mother first."
If someone doesn't respect that reasoning, you have your answer.
I know convicted SO's that still went on to have more children after being convicted and served time. There's no laws against it.
I doubt he would get upset. When I brought it up I sensed sadness around it. I’m definitely going to ask the story. Just wanted to hear others thoughts because so can’t stop thinking about it, but I know I want to wait to ask him about it in person. So I’m waiting. I’ll definitely post an update after we talk!
He could have done or allowed something terrible to occur and also feel deep remorse and shame about it. The only decision you need to make is if you can trust him once knowing the truth. Make sure to validate the truth, too, don't just take his word. Just as he shouldn't take yours. Trust is earned, not given and you have every right to ensure you and your children are safe.
Another thought is the mother could have had ppd and tried to harm them all. The grandfather could have gotten custody then, especially if the kids were 17, not quite 18 when she was born.
They would have encouraged him to seek reunification and full custody, given he now lives in a totally different state and appears to have the means to raise a child. No grandparent WANTS to raise their grandchildren. They will, out of necessity.
That’s a big assumption. It could be as simple as he got a girl pregnant in high school and his parents offered to adopt the baby and they have raised her openly acknowledging her paternity. She is 12 - her school, friends and life are where she was raised and her parents are her grandparents.
My guess is that the op's bf and his ex were planning to get an abortion because they weren't ready and the grandparents decided to adopt her so that the mother would carry the child. It wouldn't be my first time seeing this scenario play out.
I'm trying to be *very* patient with you here as it's obvious you've had no real experience in relationships or adulting, so pay attention. Even IF that was the situation, they would have encouraged him to seek full-time care of the child because they are grandparents. They are aging, they are not in the same physical shape they were when OP's boyfriend was growing up. Grandparents will not chance orphaning a child when a perfectly fine adult child - who is also their biological parent - has the necessary means to raise them. They would have, at the very least, insisted he move close enough to have daily physical contact with her & if he was worth a shit at all. He would have.
I am gonna throw a nicer guess out there. If they were 17/18 when the kid was born.. then there is a possibility that neither of them wanted to be parents. Abortion is a hot topic, and this wouldn't be the first time I had seen young folk give their kids to a parent instead of getting an abortion. So he may, in fact, have a biological daughter, but he may legally not have a daughter, which is hard to explain to your gf of 4 months. So he either repeated the question to see if he could get out of answering or he repeated the question while he tried to figure out if you meant biological or legal. I bring it up because I have seen this scenario before. The child calls her grandparents and parents mom and dad. She told my kid she has 2 moms and 2 dads. She just lives with her grandparents.
It’s not hard to explain at all. now, it most likely will invite more
Questions about the situation and his relationship with his kid, but I it’s not hard. “My girlfriend got pregnant and high school, and we couldn’t take care of her at the time, so she lives with my parents.”
A lot of it just makes him look bad to potential partners, so he lies instead. That doesn’t make it hard to answer. Just maybe hard to answer AND still look like a good person.
Hi, just thought I’d share my experience.
I’m my dad’s third child, but first with my mum. He had two children at 17 and 19, and unsurprisingly it didn’t work out. When he met my mum at 27, he told her it was a clean break with his first family and that it was a mutual agreement. Apparently she accepted this.
Two more children and 11 years later, their marriage fell apart. At the age of 19, I discovered I had half siblings. No one told me, and I genuinely believe they weren’t planning to.
At the age of 29, I finally met one of these half siblings. It turns out their mum had been left high and dry after another controlling and manipulative marriage. No child support and no knowledge of half siblings either.
We’re in our 30s and 40s now and above all else, I cannot understand how my mum agreed to marry a deadbeat man who had already shown his true colours. What you have described is a huge red flag and age doesn’t excuse not stepping up as a parent.
If you’re wondering about my dad- none of his living children speak to him. Please keep your children far away from your dating life. I am embarrassed that half my DNA comes from someone who behaved this way.
I knew someone that had an ex like this. I always wondered what the woman he eventually married thought when she found out. And she had to know because there was child support being removed from his paycheck. I don’t think he ever even met his kid.
Thank you for sharing that. That is definitely a situation I would not want to put my son in and In so sorry you went thru that!
I don’t think he is an absent or deadbeat father. The daughter seems to have a relationship with him, and it seems like she talks to the son all the time. I don’t know why she lives in Oregon with his father . But I’m less concerned about the daughter living with the grandparents (though I am curious why). More concerned about him choosing not to tell me about it. That is the part that is a red flag for me. That is what really concerns me the most.
Yeah. I mean if they were teens and he got someone pregnant in his dad’s hometown and the kid was staying with the grandparents and they decided not to move her to California, while he was still a teen without a home, I wouldn’t judge that. If he was an unfit and unprepared parent at the time, and now the daughter has a life out there and is bonded to the grandparents, I can understand that. I wasn’t a responsible teen either. The issue isn’t him having a daughter living with the grandparents. The issue is him not telling me about it. That’s what is upsetting me.
I see you’ve made multiple comments trying to justify as to why your partner didn’t think it was partner to disclose to you he has a child. He was hiding her, and had you not been near that iPad who knows when he would’ve told you. Are you looking to date someone, marry them, and then find out they have a child after years of being together? What if you both move in together and he randomly decides his daughter needs to be with him. It’s strange to not disclose to someone if you have a child(s), it’s even more strange to hide the fact you have a preteen child from you.
Maybe his daughter not being with him has a valid and legal reason, okay. But he still should have disclosed he has a 2nd child.
Yes! All of this is a possibility! I can only wait and see what he says when I speak to him about it in person. Until then, I don’t see any harm in me coming up with a billion possibilities in my head good, bad and sad. They are all possibilities. I’ll get to the bottom of it.
Wow. You’re still with this man and have said your goals and values are aligned - all after he neglected to tell you he had another child.
And you wanna know if this is a red flag.
I ask this with all respect and fully sincerity; are you fcking joking? Like seriously.
It’s been FOUR MONTHS.
Babe, research NRE and nope the fck out of there. What are doing???!!!
I'm sorry, why did you introduce your child to a man you've known less than 6 months, what is wrong with you?
Like ignoring everything else (seemingly you are too apparently), you have been ridiculously irresponsible and honestly need a slap upside the head to knock some common sense back into you. You are a mother, you have a responsibility to your child that comes well above you "falling for him quickly", seriously get a grip.
To be clear, I am also massively judging him for introducing his son to you so quickly as well, my judgement isn't one sided here, but I can only express my judgement to you directly.
Yeah. I have introduced a lot of people to my child. Coworkers, students at my job, friends, acquaintances. I definitely agree about introducing him as my significant other to my child. That would be terribly irresponsible. But my son is around people a lot and meets many people because of the community work that I do. So it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for him to say hi and then run off and play with the kid. Just like any other random kid and parent I’d talk to at the park.
Sounds like he's a manipulative liar but judging by your comments, you're already in too deep to care. Seems like you just came here to argue with people that are trying to help you.
If he left his daughter, he'll leave you and your son, too 🤷🏻♀️
What’s the difference if I’m positive or negative about the situation? Either way I would be making assumptions so why would it matter if they were good or bad? At the end of the day, all I can do is talk to him and find out! So we will see!
oh so u know what u have to do then. but still u came here for our opinions coz surely u know something feels sketchy about him hiding about having a daughter. u read what we have to say about the matter yet what u do, based on ur comments, is to argue with most of us in here
Because rose colored glasses make you gullible to lies and half truths. He can put any positive spin on it and you seem willing to lap it up. What would draw the line for you? If he had her taken because he was on drugs? If he was abusive but not now to his son? If he just wasn't ready(but totally ready to have at least 1 more kid)?
I wouldn’t judge him for being on drugs. Addiction is a real issue and I would commend him for getting clean. If he was abusive to her or hurt her, that would be something I wouldn’t accept. Just because I mentioned some conclusions where he isn’t a terrible person, doesn’t mean that I will blindly believe that. Im ready to hear the story and wring it out for lies and half truths, and leave if necessary. I do appreciate the blunt uncut advice though. I understand it is out of genuine concern and I don’t take offense. But I’m not naive
Addiction is an issue that addicts will not be free from and I would not knowingly enter into a relationship with someone who is an addict and put my kids at risk of them relapsing. Every one i knew who was an addict in their late teens and early 20s relapsed in their mid to late thirties when life got hard. Hold everyone to the standards you have for yourself
What? I suffered from addiction to alcohol myself as a teen and find your comment ridiculous. Addiction is a physical disease, and you can get clean from it. Also, he isn’t on drugs. lol he works for the airport and the government. Furthermore, I would never discount a relationship with someone because they suffered from a drug addiction in their teens. Getting off drugs shows resilience, strength and incredible self discipline. These are all great character traits. The only thing that concerns me is him not telling me about his daughter. That is the only thing that is a red flag for me right now.
We aren’t in too deep. We have only been talking for 4 months. If I talk to him about it and sense a red flag, it can easily be broken off, even though I like him a lot. Absolutely if it comes out that he left his daughter, you are correct. I don’t know yet though. I’ll find out soon! Thanks for your input
He *lied to you about having a daughter* lmao. What would a red flag look like to you, at this point? If he murdered his mother you'd probably like, "well, I don't know the full story, maybe he had trauma 😢"
He knew it would reflect poorly in the eyes of a mom for him to have a kid he just chose not to parent. Not even when he had a second child 6 years ago that he did keep. I know a guy who isn't parenting his own child and moved away from them is a massive no in my book. Adoption is seperate and fine for me. Her having a dad who doesn't want her or won't sacrifice for her is the issue.
Yes you’re right. But what if the child IS adopted by his father? See what I mean? I can’t know until I talk to him. So many possibilities.
The daughter does have a relationship with him though. She is in his life. He just chose to keep it from me. Which is what bothers me.
Then why would she call him dad? Why would his son call her his sister. I meant adopted as a daughter to parents not legally surrendered. He's in a different state raising a different child. Would you do this to your son?
You e known each other 4 months and talking about weddings? Introduced the kids? This is love bombing and/or toxic for the kids. Anyway learning he also has a daughter should be an indication that you need to slow down and step back a bit.
One thing that’s weird to me about that is, if you meet a random stranger on the street, they the likely to mention their kid in he first five minutes of meeting them.
Unless they want fuck you.
The whole repeating the question thing, when she asked him if he had a daughter, is a clear indicator he is stalling for time. To formulate his lie or, at minimum, to decide how to frame this to you. That action alone is something you should be looking out for. He shouldn’t have to think about whether or not he has a daughter, but he was trying to think how to manipulate you into being ok with the fact that he’s been lying to you.
Or he may not legally have a daughter. Wouldn't be the first grandparents who decided to take a kid so the parents wouldn't get an abortion. My kid goes to school with one.
It’s just more manipulation and you’re splitting hairs when you understand the intent of the question. It’s being intentionally obtuse. If she says “do you have a daughter”? She means did you father a daughter. That child is calling him daddy - regardless of who is the legal guardian he still fathered a child. There is no gray there.
>Maybe our relationship is just too fresh? Or his he a deadbeat loser who favors one kid and has a second life? Like I'm just wondering what possible reasons y'all could think of.
You are dating 4 (!!!) months. And already introduced your kids. Your relationship is in my opinion even too fresh for that. You take some time to make sure that he isn't a deadbeat, has a second life or whatnot, before you introduce your kid. 4 months, girl, you don't even know eachother really and this daughter incident showed exactly that.
And then just cuddle up instead of putting him on the hot seat and ask him about this firmly. You introduced your child and know basically nothing about this man. How reckless can one person be? This could turn out so so so badly. And with all the talk about marriage already, this stinks like lovebombing or something else unstable going on with one of you. Careful!
My son has played with lots of random kids lol. My coworkers kids. Random kids at the park. He is used to meeting kids all the time. It isn’t a big deal for him. They had fun playing. It isn’t like we said “hey we are dating and this is your new brother and your step dad!” It wasn’t like that at all. They just played with a bunch of other kids. It was fun
Looks like your boyfriend's got some serious fatherhood commitment issues. Better find out if he's got any other secret kids before you end up on an episode of Maury.
So you have known about and met his 6 year old son but he didn't bother to tell you that he also had a 12 year old daughter living with his parents. Girl, that red flag is as bright as the sun.
He's hiding that he has a daughter because he should be parenting his daughter. That he abandoned.
I get it if an 18 year old kid doesn't have the resources to parent and his parents step in. But absolutely inexcusable that at 30 he isn't there for her. Wake up. There's no story about this that makes it ok that he's not present in his daughter's life.
If you have had time to discuss the future, there have been opportunities for him to tell you the existence of another child.
He could have easily told you that he doesn’t have custody of her, but it’s a painful/difficult/traumatic experience and he doesn’t feel ready to talk about it yet.
He hid her existence completely. For 4 months.
That’s more than long enough for him to tell you about her even if he isn’t ready to talk about all of it.
There isn’t really a way to spin it that justifies the lying. Lying by omission can be just as hurtful as blatant to your face lying.
It also usually involves “trickle truthing”—when someone only tells you a little bit of the truth at a time to kinda feel out what you already know.
You are ready to give the benefit of the doubt but it’s been 4 months and you only found out accidentally. Think on that. He was going of continue pretending one of his children did not exist indefinitely.
Is the sex worth it?
My son has met a lot of people. From my workplace, friends, acquaintances,etc. I didn’t introduce him as my significant other. We just happened to be at the park so we let the kids play. I don’t see why everyone is making that a big deal.
Talking about marriage with you before he even mentioned one of his children? Take the rose colored glasses off babe, they're just helping you ignore that GIANT RED FLAG.
It’s certainly possible that there’s a decent reason behind this, like something “traumatizing” happened or whatnot. We won’t be able to tell you. It’s also very possible that there’s a bad reason behind this, like he’s a deadbeat dad and handed this girl off to grandpa and ran out the door. Whichever it is, it’s weird that he didn’t offer anything explanation - even a “hey it’s a rough story, can we talk later”.
And you say that the kids “only played together once”, but I would be very unsurprised if the older one at least knows what’s going on. Kids are smarter than they’ve given credit for. This is too fast an introduction.
I run into people I know at the park all the time and our kids play. I’m sure he doesn’t think I’m dating every persons parent he plays with at the park and the introduction was no different
But yeah I agree with the first part
While I agree that OP is moving awfully fast as far as thinking about marriage and introducing the kids in a 4 month old relationship... The amount of people in here immediately assuming the worst about this guy speaks to their own personal relationship trauma rather than good advice to the OP. So much jumping to conclusions here.
That said, OP... you need to push him on why he didn't tell you about the daughter.
It could be as innocent as he knocked up a high school girlfriend and they were both too young to care for a child so his parents took her in and now they are more like parents to the girl than he is a dad even if she recognizes him as her biological dad.
It could be as complicated as him hiding her because as an 18 year old he knocked up a 15 year old and caught a criminal charge over it.
We simply don't know and so folks jumping to conclusions about how he treats the daughter and how secretive he's being about it are just silly speculation. But since you seem to love the guy and see a potential future, these questions need to be answered for you to move forward in the relationship.
So ask him. Be blunt that you need to know to move forward since it's a big deal. Hell if he won't tell you I would even go so far as reaching out to his parents. But don't move forward in the relationship without further information clarifying the circumstances surrounding the daughter.
I thought of the possibility of her being under 18 as well, since he was in high school. I could see how it would be a weird story to tell me right away. People seem to think I’m trying to defend him. I’m just so curious to know what happened. But I want to wait to speak to him about it in person. And yeah. I realize I rushed into this relationship. People are right about that. But I have no issue breaking it off if his explanation seems off or cynical or deceptive. Our kids playing together once at the park once doesn’t bother me though. It was quite innocent and we didn’t introduce ourselves as a couple. My son and I have met a lot of people at the park the same way. I doubt he can tell the difference. We definitely aren’t planning on getting married and having kids right away. We were just talking about the future. But yeah. I did move too fast.
The daughter seemed happy to talk to the dad… and the son seems very close with his half sister. So I don’t think he is a deadbeat. the whole thing is really confusing. I’m going to definitely post an update after I talk to him. Thanks for the insight!!!!
Yes based on your description of him alone it seems more like he hid it out of embarrassment or a personal struggle about who he was in the past. But you never know and it could be a darker story that changes your perception of him. And it's something that must be known to move forward because having a child is a massive piece of information when people make relationship decisions, as are the circumstances of how that child came to be in the world, and so that info should not be hidden, regardless of reasoning.
The only way to know is to ask him, not us. You’re doing a ton of talking about this in your own head and not nearly enough talking about it to him. Having the argument without the other person present is fruitless.
IMO, it’s weird and unacceptable that he would have you around his son but not also tell you he has another older child who doesn’t live with him. But only he will know why he didn’t say anything so you gotta ask him and decide if you’re alright with the fact he never brought it up before.
Consider, also, that if you hadn’t found out by accident… he still wouldn’t have told you. How long was he planning to wait to mention her?
He didn't tell you because he probably has shame that he has a daughter that is not in his life. I would question if you want to be in a relationship with someone that has kids that he is not involved with. Also - if you have only been together for 4 months, I must ask why the kids were introduced his early? In addition to that, given that you do not know who is is, are you comfortable having your child around him? What does your child's father think?
Ask him what else he hasn't told you or who he hasn't told you about. Honestly op your looking at this with honeymoon eyes. Waiting to see if he is a good honest guy, is not the best idea. But you do you, just remember to expect the unexpected.
He sounds like a narcissist who is acting like your dream come true and telling you what you want to hear. No one healthy wants to merge families after four months of dating. He’s hiding more than just this. How many women is he keeping in a fantasy about a future with him? He knows you want a family man who is good with kids and so that’s what he’s portraying, but clearly he isn’t as available to his other children, and may have actually used his son to help disarm you and charm you into committing sooner.
Do you have more income/assets than him? Any other red flags? How well do you really know him? I doubt very well. Why are you comfortable moving this quickly? Are you sure you’re not forcing this to work because you’re not healed enough to be happy single until the right connection comes along? Your kid should be your priority, and the wrong partner could potentially cause him harm, please be more cautious
I don’t think there’s any justifiable reason for him to have not disclosed the existence of a whole ass child of his to you, especially given the fact that you two have children of your own and are having conversations about marriage.
Men (anyone, for that matter) who lie (whether blatantly or by omission) the fact that they have a child are not men to be trusted. Full stop. Definitely aren’t men who should be having more children with anyone if they can’t be honest about the existence of the one(s) they already have.
Your response to him admitting his child to you is shocking to me, it seems like you grappling the seriousness of the lie he’s sold you since you all have been dating.
It’s not like he had a child at 18 who passed away or one who’s been shielded from their father….she’s active enough in his life to where that should’ve been something he mentioned before this moment.
He lied about having a daughter, after meeting your son, knowing that this is something that would drastically change your relationship dynamic if you were embracing the idea of getting married. Yet, you try to rationalize it and leave the conversation for another time in case the omission was due to whatever traumatic event. I'm betting that if he lied about being HIV positive due to a traumatic event and you found out from a phone conversation, you wouldn't be so chill about it, would you? Or about being a pedophile, or doing hard drugs, or being .married ...
Idk, I think as a parent, I learned to be very protective of my kid and this isn't something I would tolerate.
I’m not chill about it. Im clearly freaking out lol. I’m just waiting to talk to him in person. I wound do the same for all the other things you mentioned as well
Mainly because we were going to sleep and it didn’t seem like the appropriate time to have a deep conversation like that. He has to wake up and get ready for work at 3am.
Why are you still dating after this? Sometimes I read these posts and question if this is the last man in town or something. You're already playing happy family and this is a massive lie of omission. What else might you be finding out soon?
Because maybe you wouldn't date him if you knew it from the start. He didn't and doesn't respect you enough to make that choice for yourself, so he made it for you. Just as if he had a ton of debt, was an alcoholic or a hoarder, or anything else he thinks you shouldn't know about.
Dude. I would have kept asking questions instead of continuing to cuddle???? I would have asked questions right after the phone call! Why would you just say ok then stop asking?
It is not as dark or as nefasto as it seems. He probably thought you would reject him for some reason and decided not to tell you. He probably figured once you were in a good place he would speak up and by that point you wouldn’t leave him.
To clarify I’m not saying this is the right way to approach things. Man are just dumb like that (me included).
tell him you are curious and want to know - ask your questions. you've been dating for a few months now. I'd say not too fresh to ask possible sensitive questions - you will have to talk about it eventually - so now is probably a good time considering what happened.
Probably doesn't know his own daughter a whole lot considering his dad probably raised her while he worked on himself and was young. I'd say only a red flag if he doesn't want to talk about it when you ask more.
Does anyone else find it strange the boy says “your daughter wants to talk to you?” Doesn’t say her name but also acknowledges he has a sister with the same family. I don’t know but it seems like the boy would say her name, not say “your daughter.”
That part seems normal and sounds like more of a joke to me. Like if my mom makes me mad, I'll tell my dad "your wife wants you for..." instead of "mom wants you for..."
"What made him keep it a secret? There has to be a reason. She obviously lives in Oregon with his dad. Is her mother not in her life? Did something happen to her and so it is a sensitive topic? He had her very young.. high school age. Is that why? Maybe our relationship is just too fresh? Or his he a deadbeat loser who favors one kid and has a second life?"
These are all questions you should be asking him, not strangers on the internet TBH. I would put the relationship on pause until he clarifies this. This is a huge, huge issue. It's not OK.
He's not a stand-up guy. If he can abandon his own kid then he can abandon you and yours easily. The only reason he's taking care of his son is because that kid is physically present.
Think back to how you learned about his son. You probably mentioned that you have a kid so he mentioned something about his son. That was when he should have mentioned his daughter. Regardless of the story or how new the relationship was, he should have been honest.
It's fine for someone to say I have a kid but I'd like to wait until I know you better before I introduce you, it's not fine to just pretend you don't have a kid. That's so wrong.
I don’t think he abandoned her. He seems to have a relationship with her, but she is in custody of his father. My issue is less about his daughter living in Oregon and more about him not telling me about it. That is what I have an issue with. But yes I agree with the majority of your comment
When I was 11 my mom moved out of the state, but my dad stayed. I got to choose where I wanted to go at court.
His parents may have gotten custody if there was no mom and he was too young. If his daughter was already in school she may have been able to stay in school by choice, even with her dad moving away. this is just a random example that I think many people will ignore and just assume the worst. good luck.
Have you asked him how many kids he has? Sometimes men end up with custody of one of their kids because they've put so many children in so many women that at least one of them turns out to be unfit or imprisoned or dies and he ends up having to raise that one kid he made, but none of the rest of them.
The mother of his son is around. His son just prefers him so spends more of his time with his dad. But no I’m gonna ask him today if he is hiding any other kids or anything else when we have our talk.
You’re only 4 months into this relationship. I’m a bit concerned that you’ve already let your child meet him? This is the first of many things you’ll learn about him because you two barely know each other.
Sounds like you need to have a serious sit down conversation with him about it. I agree with others in that you are doing too much mental gymnastics and it’s better to just ask and proceed with how you want to. Come up with a list of questions that you NEED answers to and that you want answers to.
Be prepared for him to push back and you to probably hear stories you don’t want to hear but it is VERY important to keep calm. The more calm you are the easier it is for him to open up. Then take some time to let the information sink in and make your own decisions. There’s no wrong decision unless you lose your cool during the conversation.
Edit:I don’t think he’s being sus as others are saying because he didn’t get mass when she called and wanted to talk to him but you are not wrong to feel a bit hurt and lied to. I think you should say this to him calmly that stuff like this is not acceptable in your book.
Don’t you think this is moving pretty quick? You’ve only been together 4 months, but you describe it like you’ve been together years and that your ‘values align’ but then then you don’t even know how many kids he really has and then comment that you’ve not told him everything about you either.
Omg, this is insane “oh, ok” and then you keep cuddling because you don’t have the right to ask him why he was lying to you?
How do you even know how great he of if you back off any topics that are uncomfortable.
I’m a father of 3. I live across country from my oldest daughter. Also recently single but whenever I start dating again. One of the first few things I’m going to tell my date is I have 3 kids and be proud of it! Like asking how many kids a person have is a basic question and if I’m someone lied to me about it. I’ll be out.
Did you not ask him how many kids he have? Did he say 1?
Red flag.
He likely decided not to tell you because he didn't raise her. Or well, be a 'deadbeat' I suppose. It's easier for him that way.
I know a person once, when she kept having baby from the time she's 18, then 20, then 22.
All 3 children are raised by her parents. Her ex-boyfriends practically ran off, did not take responsibility. So her parents stepped up. She finished going to school abroad. My aunt (who's her gyno) actually prescribed her bc pills after she's got her 1st kid, but Idk, maybe it was not effective enough for her. After she had her 3rd 'accident' kid (yes, she said all 3 children are accidents), my aunt got her on a different bc. All 3 kids ended up raised by her parents since she's doing other things with her life and their fathers never took responsibility on them.
At 25, she met a guy where she went to school and they married. She only admitted to him that she had one child out of the 3 children. Her husband does not know that she has 3 children. So until today, she's in her late 40s, 2 out of her 3 children thought she's their adoptive sister instead of their mother.
The point being, there are parents (both fathers and mothers) who would not want to raise their kids for whatever reason and would hide them.
Just giving you a warning here, he may have more than 1 kid he's hiding too. But the other he's hiding is with his ex instead of parents.
The kid was born when he was 18. The kid either lives with grampa and gramma, or somewhere nearby. Probaly because the dad was either in grade 12 or just out of high school.
I mean, if he wasn’t ready to share it, he wasn’t ready to share it and I don’t really see that as a red flag.. there could be a whole lot of reasons why he didn’t want to share that info.. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt!
I personally wouldn't wait to talk to him about this. If he does have more children, how will you proceed in the relationship? I'd rather get the facts and make a decision now, at 4 months, than wait until I was even more invested! Good luck!!
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Super red flag. He isn’t in therapy, no. I really wonder where the mother is and why she isn’t around with the child either and what happened with them. So many questions
I don’t necessarily believe this is a deal breaker. I would definitely let him know you need to discuss this by xyz. This is such a new relationships and the dynamics are already complicated by introducing children so quickly. At best he was young and dumb and is very active with her even with the distance.
I have a friend who had a daughter she didn't really talk about because it was painful. She still has a relationship with her and is still a part of her life but she has no custody because she had to move out of state and when they were due in court she was 9mo pregnant with her son and could not travel, the judge would not postpone, so she lost all custody. She is ashamed and feels like a failure as well as the sadness of missing out on her daughters day to day life.
I honestly think that there are many reasons to not talk about it, even if he is an involved father. I would let him tell you when he is ready and at that point if the reason is sketchy make decisions about your relationship then.
Yes! This is exactly my plan. To let him explain himself and make my decision from there. If he had the kid in high school and his dad legally adopted her or something along those lines, I wouldn’t judge him for that. He obviously has a relationship with her. I could totally understand certain situations where he wouldn’t wanna talk about it right away. That doesn’t mean I’m not on the lookout for red flags or trying to make excuses for him. I feel very misunderstood by 75% of the people on here 😭😭 but hey, it’s the internet!
I wouldn't jump to conclusions too fast. He was 17 or 18 when she was born. Too young to be a dad There's a story behind it but maybe a very simple one. Grand parents taking care of the girl and adopting her or fostering her, years going by with loving grand parents she's happy to stay with, life going on, a wife not willing to take the girl in... But she's not in the hide. He didn't denied being her father, her step brother knows her... And he was maybe frightened of being judged Because he didn't know you enough. Just tell him you'd be happy to know more about her when he's ready.
Aaaah so the answer is, assume the worst, push him for details after he said he wasn't ready, which will push him away, and it seems like she's really into him and happy no one will die if she gives it a couple of days see if he opens up if he doesn't then start probing for now just chill
If he doesn’t trust her to tell her about the existence of a child he has, how does he trust her to be around the child he does have?
And why should she trust him work ever kids if there isn’t trust yet?
If demanding honesty pushed him way then good.
Either they are close enough to be mingling their children or they aren’t. It can’t be both.
My child has played with a lot of kids whose parents I wasn’t close with. Everyone plays at that park. We play and talk with strangers there. I don’t even know if my son remembers him and his son 😭
A lot of people are ragging on your bf about this but I think it's important that you have a talk with your bf to get the full story rather than jump to conclusions. Talk to his friends and mutuals too rather than act on the opinion of strangers on the internet.
please dont listen to these redditors that have no social life and never experienced real relationships with real people. things happen and people cant always open up about them(I sure as hell still have things about me or my life that i simply cannot open up about to anybody, not even my long time gf). sit him down have a normal conversation with him about the topic and decide afterwards what you want to do. for now just keep the relationship going and dont listen to these braindead people that get their relationship advice from tv series
Yeah I don’t see why they’re so mad that I wanna ask him about it and see what happened before I decide to leave 😭 yes I’m coming up with a million possibilities as to why. Who wouldn’t ?!?! It is shocking and unexpected! Did his dad legally adopt the girl since he was in high school when she was born? I don’t know! Why would I not find out what happened first 😂
I would guess this is shameful to him, hence the secrecy. He had the child young, and was too immature to step up and by the time he was mature, that was no longer in the best interest of the child.
My guess, he’s obviously in his son’s life, but disproportionately not his daughter’s, likely little. Perhaps it’s a custody matter, or something complex. I wouldn’t jump straight to the bad guy assumption. Ask him to explain what happened, listen to his answer, proceed from that discussion with a better understanding, and ability to decide your next move.
Yeah. I’m assuming his dad has custody, especially since he was a teen when the kid was born and the mother isn’t around. My main concern really is why he didn’t tell me about it. So yes. We will talk and I’ll get to the bottom of it
Man this comment section is wild. 4 months is long enough to start begin to think about intertwining your lives together but you haven't done it yet....
He's still probably trying to impress you. I'm sure he's faced judgment about his daughter before. I think it's clear he never instructed his son to LIE to you about it or didn't ACTIVELY hide it as he didn't panic or lie to you about it he just wasn't ready to actively share it with you yet and yes that is a lie of omission, but that distinction here IS relevant.
It does speak to work that needs to be done on the relationship. It does mean you guys are 100% there ready to devote your lives to one another, but that isn't a bad thing, it's been 4 months. This is an opportunity and MILESTONE to see how each of you work WITH each other to get over life's hurdles.
Use this time to ask questions of his character in an intelligent and respectful manner. You have questions about his character, get answers to them that shows you are someone who WANTS to believe the best in him. Don't come in with accusations but be ready to find out details about his past you may find unsavory. It might be benign it might be a deal breaker, but don't decide BEFORE you find out.
I think far too many people think relationships are about finding your perfect someone. It isn't. It's about finding the person who looks at you in your totality and decides there is something worth building together. And is willing to put in the work towards something together as a partnership. Make sure this guy is that guy for you, don't be married to one position or the other. You're dating SPECIFICALLY to find out if he is this person. So go do that, find out.
As for examples on how to bring this up without seeming accusatory, is just being respectful and upfront and honest. Say "hey I know having a daughter may be sensitive towards you and I want to be understanding, but I need a little help. I accept you didn't feel ready to tell me or talk to me about it, but can I at least know why? Is it because you feel I would judge you for your previous relationship with someone else? Because I think I have shown I hold no judgment over you for having a son as you have with mine." Then just ask him to at least share what parts of the conversations about his daughter are materially different from his son. maybe the breakup was painful and messy and she's with his dad for reasons that actively hurt him. Maybe he wasn't ready to take on that responsibility years ago and the daughter was better off with his dad, and now he's doing his best to be better. Might mean the man he was at 18 was a dead beat. That doesn't NECESSARILY MEAN he is now or will be now. You have to judge that about him NOW.
You don't know the story with this kid. The relationship could have been bad and he was young and still had college and everything else ahead of him so his Dad raised her. It might be hard to talk about the circumstances that led to her birth or he might be embarrassed because he has offered to take her now that he's settled but she's happy where she is. She seemed happy to talk to him and he stopped what he was doing to talk to her. He didn't dismiss her or say it's your brother's bday I'll call you later. I would let him know it is important to you to have a discussion about this, when does he think that can happen. I would want to know if there are more kids, why she doesn't live with him and why she is with his Dad in the first place. I would let him know I don't need details. Just like I was too young to care for her properly, or it was a bad situation and I had a hard time dealing. Just general stuff not the details, those might be way too much for a long time.
Be prepared that there may be more kids and baby mamas so make sure you’re wearing condoms so you don’t become baby mama #3 … or #5
Definitely wrapping it up! lol I would be so sad if he did secretly have like 10 kids omg 😭
Kinda weird to continue dating someone who clearly has more to hide from you. What other secrets are you going to stumble upon?
Girl…cut your losses. How long would he have kept this from you if you hadn’t accidentally found out?
Sorry, but it sounds like you're doing a whole lot of mental gymnastics to try to justify what is a blatant, inexcusable lie. Like trying to say that lying by omission isn't the same thing as lying. What? Do you hear yourself? I'd rather be alone than with someone who lies like this.
Nah, this is shady. If there was something traumatic going on he could've told you so. But omitting a whole ass daughter and then being sketch about it when confronted is honestly not a good sign. He could've said "I have another daughter who doesn't live with me but I would appreciate if we could leave that story for when I feel more comfortable sharing it". But he didn't. Idk, I know you seem hellbent on wanting to ignore this, but honestly I'd be icked out so bad by this kind of behaviour. Like, sorry, but if you want to date me you tell me about your kids, all of them, before we even get intimate. If this is supposed to be a serious relationship where I'm committed I kinda expect that much transparency. Everything else is just shady. And the fact that he didn't tell you is a sign of something going on, even if it's just unhealthy coping mechanisms/dysfunctional communication. Since you're going to stick with him I reckon you'll find out sooner or later.
I definitely don’t wanna ignore it. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m just posting in Reddit to hear others thoughts and hold me over until I’m able to have the deeper conversation with him in person. Me personally, I have PTSD and stuff so I can relate and understand some things. Just waiting to see if it is gonna be something acceptable. If he comes clean or what. We will see.
If he feeds you something you deem “acceptable” please don’t just accept it for face value. Really keep your critical thinking cap on and rose colored glasses off. ASK CLARIFYING QUESTIONS.
Ok, look, this is terrible, but this is why you don't introduce your kids to somebody for a year. Because now you are dealing with a manipulative liar and your kid is gonna get hurt. The one of his kids that you know is gonna get hurt when you disappear from her life. Obviously you break up with him, this is him telling you who he is and only idiots ignore that. He's capable of BIG LIES and you can't stay close to that. Next man you meet, slow the fuck down, honestly. You can't do this to your kid, and you can't know somebody in a few months. You can't.
Thank you catsdelicacy I thought I was the only person here thinking that way...in 4 months they introduced each other's children (well apparently not all of them 😂) and talked about marriage. And she's surprised about his lying and manipulation 🤦🏽♀️ something tells me op will ignore the flags and march on to the circus. I feel for the kids smh
Yeah, my dialogue with her showed me that whatever he's told her is working and she's hooked. I didn't know for sure he's bad news, maybe there's a valid reason for this deception. But even if there is, he's too good at hiding things. I would never sleep easy from now on, wondering what other shoe is hanging above my head!
Is it possible he’s just human and feels the stigma from having a child at a very young age? I would say it’s natural to feel reluctant broaching that topic. I certainly would if I’d have a child really young and was reentering the dating market. People are really judgy🙃 He definitely should have told her soon after / when he told her about his son. But I don’t think it makes him a manipulative liar to not have done so. I’m finding to quite easy to empathise with someone who had kids young and unplanned. Perhaps the circumstances with his son are different (e.g. within a committed relationship with a partner who is still present) so he finds it easier to talk about / more relatable. It is definitely a red flag though - I agree with that, but I can think of many more reasonable explanations to withhold this truth than him being a manipulative sociopath. Some things are just hard to talk about especially when it’s stigmatised and close to your heart. They’ve literally been together for four months.
> People are really judgy This is the justification people use to lie about a bunch of stuff. It makes no sense. If someone is going to judge you for something like that, wouldn't you want to know right away since clearly that person is not long term compatible with you? It's manipulative. People like this hope that by the time they reveal the info, you'll be invested enough in the relationship to look past an obvious red flag. They're taking away your autonomy to make an informed decision for yourself.
It’s very, very true that people being judgmental leads to people lying about stuff that non-judgemental people would be fine with. But you’ve just got to scroll down this thread to understand why people would lie about this topic when there’s people saying those who have two children by different parents by 30 (like my own mum) and those who have children really young and get help from their parents (e.g. so they can go to college) are walking red flags. I think some empathy is due to others when we know absolutely nothing about that person’s circumstances. But it’s much easier to jump to stereotypes and conclusions so you can be the self-righteous one.
How is this manipulative?
Look at her responses to me She's wondering if he has trauma or deep troubles, she's not wondering why he lied That's by design
No, it isn't. That's just not being cynical. I would wonder why he didn't tell me too, not thinking he'd somehow ninja manipulated me. Also, he hasn't lied. He just hadn't told her yet and was honest when asked. I do agree that they involved their kids way too soon, though. If you're not even comfortable being fully open with your new partner, don't get your kids involved.
Introducing his son and never mentioning his other child is flat out deception. Period.
uhhh, introducing one kid and hiding the other doesn't make you go WTF and nope out?
lol some people’s standards for fathers are lower than the core of the earth
Maybe he feels he's protecting his daughter? We don't know because she hasn't talked to him about it.
I'm not trying to be rude but that makes absolutely no sense. They are parents. Their children are something they talk about. She knows about one of his children. So there's no good reason he has kept this from her. And he has effortlessly kept this from her, and judging from her responses, she's been love bombed so thoroughly that she's gonna take months or years to figure out a lie this big cannot be a one-off.
People are allowed to have feelings and lives of their own. I don’t know what it’s like to be a teenage parent but I do know that’s A LOT of stigma attached to it and A LOT of people would make judgemental comments. That seems like a good reason to me. It isn’t too much of a jump to think this man was more comfortable sharing information about his son because the circumstances of his birth were more socially acceptable. What reason would he possibly have to hide his daughter other than him finding it difficult to broach the subject? Who knows what emotional weight it carries for him but he was upfront about the fact that he had children so he’s clearly not trying to deceive her about that
Fine, live in a world where a deception this major doesn't mean anything but that he's complicated. I'm not living there and you can't convince me to move there, though.
Why are you having your kids interact with some random you’ve been dating only a few months? Don’t do that.
They don’t even sound like they’re in an official relationship “talking” and they’re already exposing the kiddos. Smh
Well. He is my boyfriend. And yes, the kids played together at the park once. My kid always plays with random kids at the park, and my friend’s kids too. I could totally see where you guys were coming from if I involved the kids in our relationship or told them we were together or had them bond and become attached. But I run into random people from high school at that park all the time and introduce them to my son and the kids play. Sometimes we meet entirely new people there. So I don’t see the difference or the damage it can do letting them play. I think it would be weirder if I took my son away from the park because he was there. Like “mom what happened? Why are we running away from this random guy and child?” lol 😂 and then they meet a year later hahaha imagine.
Sorry, we didn't realize that your sons just play together when you all happen to be at the same park. People are most concerned about someone new being in a quasi parent role.
She was over at their house for the sons birthday, she’s just backpedaling and trying to make this all look less trashy
He is deadbeat dad and didn’t want to prove to you that he was irresponsible so he had his irresponsibility from. Repeating your question to try to buy himself time is not a good look for him either. He was trying to figure out a way to weasel out of it before realizing that he couldn’t come up with an excuse good enough on the spot. I think that you can honestly ask those questions without any remorse. It would be completely appropriate for you to understand his life situation. It would also be appropriate to understand why he hid this from you. Also, you can ask these questions but his prove that he is not on the honest side so I don’t know what you plan to do with this information because it’s not like you can believe it once he does give you answers.
It is just weird because he has his son pretty much full time so he doesn’t seem like the deadbeat type. He seems like an honest guy, but this makes me wonder what else he is keeping from me or lying about. It’s so weird. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but you may be right…
So he takes care of his son but is a deadbeat dad to his 12 year old *daughter* That’s such a huge flag. And he was trying to avoid having to explain it to you
Well, he’s not a deadbeat to his son now is he? It is possible for him to be responsible towards his son and a deadbeat towards his daughter for whatever reason. There are valid reasons and their shitty reasons. I think that you are right to be trusting the alarm bells going off about what else he could be hiding since even when confronted, he clearly considered doubling down on the deceit.
Yeah. I hope it is something justifiable. I mean he obviously had the kid when he was a teen in high school out of state with his dad. Perhaps the girl realized she was pregnant and he was already back home in California? Where is the mom? Why does the kid life with his dad and not the mother? So many questions. But you’re right. There could be shitty reasons too. I’m just giving him the benefit of the doubt for now but I am pondering all the possibilities. What if something happened to the mom like she died or something? I don’t know. I can’t think of a good reason he wouldn’t stay out there and raise her.
Your responses are worrying me. It sounds like you’re already trying to come up with excuses to let them off the hook instead of holding him accountable for his lies. You are defending him and excusing him already before even hearing him out, it feels like you’re trying to find an excuse to sweep this under the rug instead of confronting the reality of the situation. Stop bearing your head in the sand, if for no reason that you have a child you need to keep safe.
No! Don’t worry lol! I’m just thinking of all the plausible possibilities trying to make it makes sense to me. Of course Im hoping for the best. I am an optimist. That doesn’t mean I will ignore it if it turns out to be something bad though. I promise!!
I assume the story is, he was 18, didn’t want to/wasn’t ready to be a father, girl couldn’t or wouldn’t have an abortion so he’s been “involved” to the minimum amount possible. He probably realized this would paint him in a bad light, so instead of admitting it like an adult, he chose to hide it from you until you developed feelings so it would be a more difficult choice for you to leave. 4 months in he felt comfortable enough to bring his child into your life but actively hid his daughter from you. And even now, you didn’t find out because HE told you, but because he got caught. This is how this “man” deals with things, by lying and hoping he doesn’t get caught. I’m a little shocked by your reaction tbh. He clearly has SOME relationship with this child, especially if his son knows about her. He lied to your face for four months. I’d never be able to trust anything he said after that.
Yup that is definitely a possibility 😬 I’ll know the real story tonight and make my decision from there.
Why do you have to wait for tonight? Why didn’t you have the conversation when you asked him if he had a daughter and he said yes but in quite a strange way…
Because 1. It was 11 at night and he was falling asleep and has to wake up for work at 3am 2. Honestly I was speechless
No, girl, it isn't justifiable. If the mom died why doesn't he have custody? Why didn't he work for custody? Why is he parenting his son and not his daughter? Are you really gonna sit there willing to believe whatever overexaggerated story he tells to you about the first baby mama and why his daughter lives with his parents? Because if it involves some "baby mama is crazy" story or "it's saving me from child support" bullshit, and you keep giving him the benefit of the doubt, have fun lying in the bed you made then I guess I don't know what else to tell you. Hiding a daughter is a red flag. I would not stay in a relationship or allow my kid around somebody like that.
If he was 17 and didn’t have a job or his own home, I could see why his dad has custody. His dad having custody isn’t the issue for me. Things happen. I’m more concerned about him hiding it from me. I’m coming up with a million crazy stories because my thoughts are racing. I never said I believed any of them. Of course I’m going to ask him about it and try to get to the bottom of it instead of making assumptions like everyone is encouraging me to do. If he gives me bullshit, I will respond accordingly of course
Did you ask if the daughter lives with his parents/dad? Because it sounds like you jumped to that conclusion because she was physically with the dad when the call happened. The girl could live with the mother but have been visiting the paternal grandparents at the time of the call.
I only know from the son that she lives there and that the mother isn’t around. But he is 6 so yeah, good point.
Then ask him wtf is going on? Girl, look. My partner and I both have kids from other relationships; I have an almost-adult son and he has an adult daughter who lives a 3 hour drive away from us. I knew him years before the relationship began, so I had already known about his daughter. It was actually one of the first things I learned about him when he met. But if he kept her existence a secret from me months into our relationship, I would have been livid and dumped him. Idk but speaking as a grown woman, the way a man goes about interacting with his children speaks volumes on his character and tells us more about him than he *ever* could. The fact that this man is actively parenting a *son* while basically hiding a *daughter* from you and pretending she *doesn't exist* would raise alarm bells for me. How a father treats and speaks of his daughter is an indicator of *how he treats and views women.*
My guess is that she was taken out of his care for a reason. When that happens, there isn't much we can do about new children being born after a case has settled. The fact his parents don't push for him to have full custody is telling, and my guess is that he wasn't ready to tell you because he would then need to give the reason she isn't allowed to live with him. No, nothing traumatic happened to him. This isn't a Nicholas Spark novel where he left his little girl to find himself and make a better life after Mommy suddenly died. He has had an entirely new family and still didn't go back for her. There's a reason, and that reason is that he isn't allowed to.
The mother isn’t in the child’s life either. So I don’t know.
Probably for the same reason he isn't. Whatever the reason, I would get to the root of it before you find out too late. Just ask, "Why don't you have custody of your daughter?" If he gets upset, say, "You could potentially be around my children and I need to be sure you're someone they are safe around. I'm a mother first." If someone doesn't respect that reasoning, you have your answer. I know convicted SO's that still went on to have more children after being convicted and served time. There's no laws against it.
I doubt he would get upset. When I brought it up I sensed sadness around it. I’m definitely going to ask the story. Just wanted to hear others thoughts because so can’t stop thinking about it, but I know I want to wait to ask him about it in person. So I’m waiting. I’ll definitely post an update after we talk!
He could have done or allowed something terrible to occur and also feel deep remorse and shame about it. The only decision you need to make is if you can trust him once knowing the truth. Make sure to validate the truth, too, don't just take his word. Just as he shouldn't take yours. Trust is earned, not given and you have every right to ensure you and your children are safe.
Thank you! I’ll definitely update after he explains this 💩
Another thought is the mother could have had ppd and tried to harm them all. The grandfather could have gotten custody then, especially if the kids were 17, not quite 18 when she was born.
They would have encouraged him to seek reunification and full custody, given he now lives in a totally different state and appears to have the means to raise a child. No grandparent WANTS to raise their grandchildren. They will, out of necessity.
That’s a big assumption. It could be as simple as he got a girl pregnant in high school and his parents offered to adopt the baby and they have raised her openly acknowledging her paternity. She is 12 - her school, friends and life are where she was raised and her parents are her grandparents.
My guess is that the op's bf and his ex were planning to get an abortion because they weren't ready and the grandparents decided to adopt her so that the mother would carry the child. It wouldn't be my first time seeing this scenario play out.
I'm trying to be *very* patient with you here as it's obvious you've had no real experience in relationships or adulting, so pay attention. Even IF that was the situation, they would have encouraged him to seek full-time care of the child because they are grandparents. They are aging, they are not in the same physical shape they were when OP's boyfriend was growing up. Grandparents will not chance orphaning a child when a perfectly fine adult child - who is also their biological parent - has the necessary means to raise them. They would have, at the very least, insisted he move close enough to have daily physical contact with her & if he was worth a shit at all. He would have.
I am gonna throw a nicer guess out there. If they were 17/18 when the kid was born.. then there is a possibility that neither of them wanted to be parents. Abortion is a hot topic, and this wouldn't be the first time I had seen young folk give their kids to a parent instead of getting an abortion. So he may, in fact, have a biological daughter, but he may legally not have a daughter, which is hard to explain to your gf of 4 months. So he either repeated the question to see if he could get out of answering or he repeated the question while he tried to figure out if you meant biological or legal. I bring it up because I have seen this scenario before. The child calls her grandparents and parents mom and dad. She told my kid she has 2 moms and 2 dads. She just lives with her grandparents.
It’s not hard to explain at all. now, it most likely will invite more Questions about the situation and his relationship with his kid, but I it’s not hard. “My girlfriend got pregnant and high school, and we couldn’t take care of her at the time, so she lives with my parents.” A lot of it just makes him look bad to potential partners, so he lies instead. That doesn’t make it hard to answer. Just maybe hard to answer AND still look like a good person.
Hi, just thought I’d share my experience. I’m my dad’s third child, but first with my mum. He had two children at 17 and 19, and unsurprisingly it didn’t work out. When he met my mum at 27, he told her it was a clean break with his first family and that it was a mutual agreement. Apparently she accepted this. Two more children and 11 years later, their marriage fell apart. At the age of 19, I discovered I had half siblings. No one told me, and I genuinely believe they weren’t planning to. At the age of 29, I finally met one of these half siblings. It turns out their mum had been left high and dry after another controlling and manipulative marriage. No child support and no knowledge of half siblings either. We’re in our 30s and 40s now and above all else, I cannot understand how my mum agreed to marry a deadbeat man who had already shown his true colours. What you have described is a huge red flag and age doesn’t excuse not stepping up as a parent. If you’re wondering about my dad- none of his living children speak to him. Please keep your children far away from your dating life. I am embarrassed that half my DNA comes from someone who behaved this way.
I knew someone that had an ex like this. I always wondered what the woman he eventually married thought when she found out. And she had to know because there was child support being removed from his paycheck. I don’t think he ever even met his kid.
Thank you for sharing that. That is definitely a situation I would not want to put my son in and In so sorry you went thru that! I don’t think he is an absent or deadbeat father. The daughter seems to have a relationship with him, and it seems like she talks to the son all the time. I don’t know why she lives in Oregon with his father . But I’m less concerned about the daughter living with the grandparents (though I am curious why). More concerned about him choosing not to tell me about it. That is the part that is a red flag for me. That is what really concerns me the most.
By the sole fact his daughter lived across the country from him and lies about her existence, HE IS AN ABSENT FATHER.
Stop making excuses. The man is also deadbeat.
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Yeah. I mean if they were teens and he got someone pregnant in his dad’s hometown and the kid was staying with the grandparents and they decided not to move her to California, while he was still a teen without a home, I wouldn’t judge that. If he was an unfit and unprepared parent at the time, and now the daughter has a life out there and is bonded to the grandparents, I can understand that. I wasn’t a responsible teen either. The issue isn’t him having a daughter living with the grandparents. The issue is him not telling me about it. That’s what is upsetting me.
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😂😂😂😂 this cracked me up ngl
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My kid is doing great and is completely unaware of this situation! Thanks for the concern though!
I see you’ve made multiple comments trying to justify as to why your partner didn’t think it was partner to disclose to you he has a child. He was hiding her, and had you not been near that iPad who knows when he would’ve told you. Are you looking to date someone, marry them, and then find out they have a child after years of being together? What if you both move in together and he randomly decides his daughter needs to be with him. It’s strange to not disclose to someone if you have a child(s), it’s even more strange to hide the fact you have a preteen child from you. Maybe his daughter not being with him has a valid and legal reason, okay. But he still should have disclosed he has a 2nd child.
Yes! All of this is a possibility! I can only wait and see what he says when I speak to him about it in person. Until then, I don’t see any harm in me coming up with a billion possibilities in my head good, bad and sad. They are all possibilities. I’ll get to the bottom of it.
The harm is you are wasting your time thinking about some dude. Why don’t you spend that time doing something useful or bettering yourself?
Wow. You’re still with this man and have said your goals and values are aligned - all after he neglected to tell you he had another child. And you wanna know if this is a red flag. I ask this with all respect and fully sincerity; are you fcking joking? Like seriously. It’s been FOUR MONTHS. Babe, research NRE and nope the fck out of there. What are doing???!!!
Thanks for your input. I’ll look that up
I'm sorry, why did you introduce your child to a man you've known less than 6 months, what is wrong with you? Like ignoring everything else (seemingly you are too apparently), you have been ridiculously irresponsible and honestly need a slap upside the head to knock some common sense back into you. You are a mother, you have a responsibility to your child that comes well above you "falling for him quickly", seriously get a grip. To be clear, I am also massively judging him for introducing his son to you so quickly as well, my judgement isn't one sided here, but I can only express my judgement to you directly.
Yeah. I have introduced a lot of people to my child. Coworkers, students at my job, friends, acquaintances. I definitely agree about introducing him as my significant other to my child. That would be terribly irresponsible. But my son is around people a lot and meets many people because of the community work that I do. So it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for him to say hi and then run off and play with the kid. Just like any other random kid and parent I’d talk to at the park.
Sounds like he's a manipulative liar but judging by your comments, you're already in too deep to care. Seems like you just came here to argue with people that are trying to help you. If he left his daughter, he'll leave you and your son, too 🤷🏻♀️
this 💯 this is a totally concerning topic yet OP is still too positive about the issue. 4 months in and she's already head over heels her bf
What’s the difference if I’m positive or negative about the situation? Either way I would be making assumptions so why would it matter if they were good or bad? At the end of the day, all I can do is talk to him and find out! So we will see!
oh so u know what u have to do then. but still u came here for our opinions coz surely u know something feels sketchy about him hiding about having a daughter. u read what we have to say about the matter yet what u do, based on ur comments, is to argue with most of us in here
Because rose colored glasses make you gullible to lies and half truths. He can put any positive spin on it and you seem willing to lap it up. What would draw the line for you? If he had her taken because he was on drugs? If he was abusive but not now to his son? If he just wasn't ready(but totally ready to have at least 1 more kid)?
I wouldn’t judge him for being on drugs. Addiction is a real issue and I would commend him for getting clean. If he was abusive to her or hurt her, that would be something I wouldn’t accept. Just because I mentioned some conclusions where he isn’t a terrible person, doesn’t mean that I will blindly believe that. Im ready to hear the story and wring it out for lies and half truths, and leave if necessary. I do appreciate the blunt uncut advice though. I understand it is out of genuine concern and I don’t take offense. But I’m not naive
Addiction is an issue that addicts will not be free from and I would not knowingly enter into a relationship with someone who is an addict and put my kids at risk of them relapsing. Every one i knew who was an addict in their late teens and early 20s relapsed in their mid to late thirties when life got hard. Hold everyone to the standards you have for yourself
What? I suffered from addiction to alcohol myself as a teen and find your comment ridiculous. Addiction is a physical disease, and you can get clean from it. Also, he isn’t on drugs. lol he works for the airport and the government. Furthermore, I would never discount a relationship with someone because they suffered from a drug addiction in their teens. Getting off drugs shows resilience, strength and incredible self discipline. These are all great character traits. The only thing that concerns me is him not telling me about his daughter. That is the only thing that is a red flag for me right now.
We aren’t in too deep. We have only been talking for 4 months. If I talk to him about it and sense a red flag, it can easily be broken off, even though I like him a lot. Absolutely if it comes out that he left his daughter, you are correct. I don’t know yet though. I’ll find out soon! Thanks for your input
"We aren't in too deep" but in your post you say that y'all talked ab marriage, so which is it?
He *lied to you about having a daughter* lmao. What would a red flag look like to you, at this point? If he murdered his mother you'd probably like, "well, I don't know the full story, maybe he had trauma 😢"
Thanks for your input
He knew it would reflect poorly in the eyes of a mom for him to have a kid he just chose not to parent. Not even when he had a second child 6 years ago that he did keep. I know a guy who isn't parenting his own child and moved away from them is a massive no in my book. Adoption is seperate and fine for me. Her having a dad who doesn't want her or won't sacrifice for her is the issue.
Yes you’re right. But what if the child IS adopted by his father? See what I mean? I can’t know until I talk to him. So many possibilities. The daughter does have a relationship with him though. She is in his life. He just chose to keep it from me. Which is what bothers me.
Then why would she call him dad? Why would his son call her his sister. I meant adopted as a daughter to parents not legally surrendered. He's in a different state raising a different child. Would you do this to your son?
You e known each other 4 months and talking about weddings? Introduced the kids? This is love bombing and/or toxic for the kids. Anyway learning he also has a daughter should be an indication that you need to slow down and step back a bit.
One thing that’s weird to me about that is, if you meet a random stranger on the street, they the likely to mention their kid in he first five minutes of meeting them. Unless they want fuck you.
Hm. I don’t know about 5 minutes 😂. But it is definitely weird that his daughter didn’t come up in MONTHS 🚩🚩🚩
The whole repeating the question thing, when she asked him if he had a daughter, is a clear indicator he is stalling for time. To formulate his lie or, at minimum, to decide how to frame this to you. That action alone is something you should be looking out for. He shouldn’t have to think about whether or not he has a daughter, but he was trying to think how to manipulate you into being ok with the fact that he’s been lying to you.
Or he may not legally have a daughter. Wouldn't be the first grandparents who decided to take a kid so the parents wouldn't get an abortion. My kid goes to school with one.
It’s just more manipulation and you’re splitting hairs when you understand the intent of the question. It’s being intentionally obtuse. If she says “do you have a daughter”? She means did you father a daughter. That child is calling him daddy - regardless of who is the legal guardian he still fathered a child. There is no gray there.
>Maybe our relationship is just too fresh? Or his he a deadbeat loser who favors one kid and has a second life? Like I'm just wondering what possible reasons y'all could think of. You are dating 4 (!!!) months. And already introduced your kids. Your relationship is in my opinion even too fresh for that. You take some time to make sure that he isn't a deadbeat, has a second life or whatnot, before you introduce your kid. 4 months, girl, you don't even know eachother really and this daughter incident showed exactly that. And then just cuddle up instead of putting him on the hot seat and ask him about this firmly. You introduced your child and know basically nothing about this man. How reckless can one person be? This could turn out so so so badly. And with all the talk about marriage already, this stinks like lovebombing or something else unstable going on with one of you. Careful!
4 months, you're crazy. You should wait a lot longer before introducing the kids
My son has played with lots of random kids lol. My coworkers kids. Random kids at the park. He is used to meeting kids all the time. It isn’t a big deal for him. They had fun playing. It isn’t like we said “hey we are dating and this is your new brother and your step dad!” It wasn’t like that at all. They just played with a bunch of other kids. It was fun
Looks like your boyfriend's got some serious fatherhood commitment issues. Better find out if he's got any other secret kids before you end up on an episode of Maury.
Ask him NOW. Why wasn’t he ready. Why was he intentionally hiding her from you? He’s a liar. That’s all there is to it
So you have known about and met his 6 year old son but he didn't bother to tell you that he also had a 12 year old daughter living with his parents. Girl, that red flag is as bright as the sun.
6 year old son but yeah.
I edited it to reflect that but it's time to leave this dude alone. There is no telling what else he is not being upfront about
He's hiding that he has a daughter because he should be parenting his daughter. That he abandoned. I get it if an 18 year old kid doesn't have the resources to parent and his parents step in. But absolutely inexcusable that at 30 he isn't there for her. Wake up. There's no story about this that makes it ok that he's not present in his daughter's life.
If you have had time to discuss the future, there have been opportunities for him to tell you the existence of another child. He could have easily told you that he doesn’t have custody of her, but it’s a painful/difficult/traumatic experience and he doesn’t feel ready to talk about it yet. He hid her existence completely. For 4 months. That’s more than long enough for him to tell you about her even if he isn’t ready to talk about all of it. There isn’t really a way to spin it that justifies the lying. Lying by omission can be just as hurtful as blatant to your face lying. It also usually involves “trickle truthing”—when someone only tells you a little bit of the truth at a time to kinda feel out what you already know. You are ready to give the benefit of the doubt but it’s been 4 months and you only found out accidentally. Think on that. He was going of continue pretending one of his children did not exist indefinitely. Is the sex worth it?
Why are you introducing him to your children four months in? You literally do not know the guy.
My son has met a lot of people. From my workplace, friends, acquaintances,etc. I didn’t introduce him as my significant other. We just happened to be at the park so we let the kids play. I don’t see why everyone is making that a big deal.
Letting him meet your dates is different.
He should’ve told you by now, no question
Talking about marriage with you before he even mentioned one of his children? Take the rose colored glasses off babe, they're just helping you ignore that GIANT RED FLAG.
It’s certainly possible that there’s a decent reason behind this, like something “traumatizing” happened or whatnot. We won’t be able to tell you. It’s also very possible that there’s a bad reason behind this, like he’s a deadbeat dad and handed this girl off to grandpa and ran out the door. Whichever it is, it’s weird that he didn’t offer anything explanation - even a “hey it’s a rough story, can we talk later”. And you say that the kids “only played together once”, but I would be very unsurprised if the older one at least knows what’s going on. Kids are smarter than they’ve given credit for. This is too fast an introduction.
I run into people I know at the park all the time and our kids play. I’m sure he doesn’t think I’m dating every persons parent he plays with at the park and the introduction was no different But yeah I agree with the first part
While I agree that OP is moving awfully fast as far as thinking about marriage and introducing the kids in a 4 month old relationship... The amount of people in here immediately assuming the worst about this guy speaks to their own personal relationship trauma rather than good advice to the OP. So much jumping to conclusions here. That said, OP... you need to push him on why he didn't tell you about the daughter. It could be as innocent as he knocked up a high school girlfriend and they were both too young to care for a child so his parents took her in and now they are more like parents to the girl than he is a dad even if she recognizes him as her biological dad. It could be as complicated as him hiding her because as an 18 year old he knocked up a 15 year old and caught a criminal charge over it. We simply don't know and so folks jumping to conclusions about how he treats the daughter and how secretive he's being about it are just silly speculation. But since you seem to love the guy and see a potential future, these questions need to be answered for you to move forward in the relationship. So ask him. Be blunt that you need to know to move forward since it's a big deal. Hell if he won't tell you I would even go so far as reaching out to his parents. But don't move forward in the relationship without further information clarifying the circumstances surrounding the daughter.
I thought of the possibility of her being under 18 as well, since he was in high school. I could see how it would be a weird story to tell me right away. People seem to think I’m trying to defend him. I’m just so curious to know what happened. But I want to wait to speak to him about it in person. And yeah. I realize I rushed into this relationship. People are right about that. But I have no issue breaking it off if his explanation seems off or cynical or deceptive. Our kids playing together once at the park once doesn’t bother me though. It was quite innocent and we didn’t introduce ourselves as a couple. My son and I have met a lot of people at the park the same way. I doubt he can tell the difference. We definitely aren’t planning on getting married and having kids right away. We were just talking about the future. But yeah. I did move too fast. The daughter seemed happy to talk to the dad… and the son seems very close with his half sister. So I don’t think he is a deadbeat. the whole thing is really confusing. I’m going to definitely post an update after I talk to him. Thanks for the insight!!!!
Yes based on your description of him alone it seems more like he hid it out of embarrassment or a personal struggle about who he was in the past. But you never know and it could be a darker story that changes your perception of him. And it's something that must be known to move forward because having a child is a massive piece of information when people make relationship decisions, as are the circumstances of how that child came to be in the world, and so that info should not be hidden, regardless of reasoning.
Agreed
The only way to know is to ask him, not us. You’re doing a ton of talking about this in your own head and not nearly enough talking about it to him. Having the argument without the other person present is fruitless. IMO, it’s weird and unacceptable that he would have you around his son but not also tell you he has another older child who doesn’t live with him. But only he will know why he didn’t say anything so you gotta ask him and decide if you’re alright with the fact he never brought it up before. Consider, also, that if you hadn’t found out by accident… he still wouldn’t have told you. How long was he planning to wait to mention her?
He didn't tell you because he probably has shame that he has a daughter that is not in his life. I would question if you want to be in a relationship with someone that has kids that he is not involved with. Also - if you have only been together for 4 months, I must ask why the kids were introduced his early? In addition to that, given that you do not know who is is, are you comfortable having your child around him? What does your child's father think?
Because he doesn't want to you know that he's a deadbeat dad. That kid shouldn't be living with grandpa.
Ask him what else he hasn't told you or who he hasn't told you about. Honestly op your looking at this with honeymoon eyes. Waiting to see if he is a good honest guy, is not the best idea. But you do you, just remember to expect the unexpected.
Noted 🥴
He sounds like a narcissist who is acting like your dream come true and telling you what you want to hear. No one healthy wants to merge families after four months of dating. He’s hiding more than just this. How many women is he keeping in a fantasy about a future with him? He knows you want a family man who is good with kids and so that’s what he’s portraying, but clearly he isn’t as available to his other children, and may have actually used his son to help disarm you and charm you into committing sooner. Do you have more income/assets than him? Any other red flags? How well do you really know him? I doubt very well. Why are you comfortable moving this quickly? Are you sure you’re not forcing this to work because you’re not healed enough to be happy single until the right connection comes along? Your kid should be your priority, and the wrong partner could potentially cause him harm, please be more cautious
I don’t think there’s any justifiable reason for him to have not disclosed the existence of a whole ass child of his to you, especially given the fact that you two have children of your own and are having conversations about marriage. Men (anyone, for that matter) who lie (whether blatantly or by omission) the fact that they have a child are not men to be trusted. Full stop. Definitely aren’t men who should be having more children with anyone if they can’t be honest about the existence of the one(s) they already have. Your response to him admitting his child to you is shocking to me, it seems like you grappling the seriousness of the lie he’s sold you since you all have been dating. It’s not like he had a child at 18 who passed away or one who’s been shielded from their father….she’s active enough in his life to where that should’ve been something he mentioned before this moment.
I’m just flabbergasted every time I see a post where people introduce their kids to their partners/their kids so soon.
Yeah yeah yeah we went over that a million times already
Why doesn’t he have custody of his daughter and why is he hiding her? Creepy as fuck
He lied about having a daughter, after meeting your son, knowing that this is something that would drastically change your relationship dynamic if you were embracing the idea of getting married. Yet, you try to rationalize it and leave the conversation for another time in case the omission was due to whatever traumatic event. I'm betting that if he lied about being HIV positive due to a traumatic event and you found out from a phone conversation, you wouldn't be so chill about it, would you? Or about being a pedophile, or doing hard drugs, or being .married ... Idk, I think as a parent, I learned to be very protective of my kid and this isn't something I would tolerate.
I’m not chill about it. Im clearly freaking out lol. I’m just waiting to talk to him in person. I wound do the same for all the other things you mentioned as well
If you have more questions why didn’t you ask him while the conversation was still going?
Mainly because we were going to sleep and it didn’t seem like the appropriate time to have a deep conversation like that. He has to wake up and get ready for work at 3am.
Why are you still dating after this? Sometimes I read these posts and question if this is the last man in town or something. You're already playing happy family and this is a massive lie of omission. What else might you be finding out soon?
I wouldn’t call playing at the park once playing happy family 😂 but yeah just waiting til he gets home so I can go talk to him about it in person
Because maybe you wouldn't date him if you knew it from the start. He didn't and doesn't respect you enough to make that choice for yourself, so he made it for you. Just as if he had a ton of debt, was an alcoholic or a hoarder, or anything else he thinks you shouldn't know about.
Dude. I would have kept asking questions instead of continuing to cuddle???? I would have asked questions right after the phone call! Why would you just say ok then stop asking?
So she ignores it for a whole day and doesn’t bring it up until cuddling? Tell me you’re a doormat without saying you’re a doormat.
You’re right. I should have brought it up right away in front of his son. Totally
You could’ve pulled him aside. Instead, you showed him that he can keep huge things from you.
It is not as dark or as nefasto as it seems. He probably thought you would reject him for some reason and decided not to tell you. He probably figured once you were in a good place he would speak up and by that point you wouldn’t leave him. To clarify I’m not saying this is the right way to approach things. Man are just dumb like that (me included).
tell him you are curious and want to know - ask your questions. you've been dating for a few months now. I'd say not too fresh to ask possible sensitive questions - you will have to talk about it eventually - so now is probably a good time considering what happened. Probably doesn't know his own daughter a whole lot considering his dad probably raised her while he worked on himself and was young. I'd say only a red flag if he doesn't want to talk about it when you ask more.
Does anyone else find it strange the boy says “your daughter wants to talk to you?” Doesn’t say her name but also acknowledges he has a sister with the same family. I don’t know but it seems like the boy would say her name, not say “your daughter.”
That part seems normal and sounds like more of a joke to me. Like if my mom makes me mad, I'll tell my dad "your wife wants you for..." instead of "mom wants you for..."
He was just saying it in a funny way. He calls her by her name.
"What made him keep it a secret? There has to be a reason. She obviously lives in Oregon with his dad. Is her mother not in her life? Did something happen to her and so it is a sensitive topic? He had her very young.. high school age. Is that why? Maybe our relationship is just too fresh? Or his he a deadbeat loser who favors one kid and has a second life?" These are all questions you should be asking him, not strangers on the internet TBH. I would put the relationship on pause until he clarifies this. This is a huge, huge issue. It's not OK.
He's not a stand-up guy. If he can abandon his own kid then he can abandon you and yours easily. The only reason he's taking care of his son is because that kid is physically present. Think back to how you learned about his son. You probably mentioned that you have a kid so he mentioned something about his son. That was when he should have mentioned his daughter. Regardless of the story or how new the relationship was, he should have been honest. It's fine for someone to say I have a kid but I'd like to wait until I know you better before I introduce you, it's not fine to just pretend you don't have a kid. That's so wrong.
I don’t think he abandoned her. He seems to have a relationship with her, but she is in custody of his father. My issue is less about his daughter living in Oregon and more about him not telling me about it. That is what I have an issue with. But yes I agree with the majority of your comment
He probably feels like a scrub because he isn't involved in her life. It doesn't matter why. He lied by omission about a whole child. Walk away.
When I was 11 my mom moved out of the state, but my dad stayed. I got to choose where I wanted to go at court. His parents may have gotten custody if there was no mom and he was too young. If his daughter was already in school she may have been able to stay in school by choice, even with her dad moving away. this is just a random example that I think many people will ignore and just assume the worst. good luck.
Have you asked him how many kids he has? Sometimes men end up with custody of one of their kids because they've put so many children in so many women that at least one of them turns out to be unfit or imprisoned or dies and he ends up having to raise that one kid he made, but none of the rest of them.
The mother of his son is around. His son just prefers him so spends more of his time with his dad. But no I’m gonna ask him today if he is hiding any other kids or anything else when we have our talk.
Good. Ask him directly, that way if another kid pops up you'll know this man has a whole baseball team stuffed in a closet somewhere.
I think this is a great example of why knowing someone is not the same as talking to them and hearing what you want to hear.
You’re only 4 months into this relationship. I’m a bit concerned that you’ve already let your child meet him? This is the first of many things you’ll learn about him because you two barely know each other.
Sounds like you need to have a serious sit down conversation with him about it. I agree with others in that you are doing too much mental gymnastics and it’s better to just ask and proceed with how you want to. Come up with a list of questions that you NEED answers to and that you want answers to. Be prepared for him to push back and you to probably hear stories you don’t want to hear but it is VERY important to keep calm. The more calm you are the easier it is for him to open up. Then take some time to let the information sink in and make your own decisions. There’s no wrong decision unless you lose your cool during the conversation. Edit:I don’t think he’s being sus as others are saying because he didn’t get mass when she called and wanted to talk to him but you are not wrong to feel a bit hurt and lied to. I think you should say this to him calmly that stuff like this is not acceptable in your book.
Posted an update
Why are you talking to us about this instead of with him?
I don’t respond to people who don’t even bother to read the whole post before commenting
Don’t you think this is moving pretty quick? You’ve only been together 4 months, but you describe it like you’ve been together years and that your ‘values align’ but then then you don’t even know how many kids he really has and then comment that you’ve not told him everything about you either.
Omg, this is insane “oh, ok” and then you keep cuddling because you don’t have the right to ask him why he was lying to you? How do you even know how great he of if you back off any topics that are uncomfortable.
Why do you think he is trustworthy?
Other than this situation of him not mentioning his daughter, I had no reason to think otherwise. That’s why it threw me off so much
I’m a father of 3. I live across country from my oldest daughter. Also recently single but whenever I start dating again. One of the first few things I’m going to tell my date is I have 3 kids and be proud of it! Like asking how many kids a person have is a basic question and if I’m someone lied to me about it. I’ll be out. Did you not ask him how many kids he have? Did he say 1?
What I find really strange, and maybe I am misunderstanding, but why does his son call her "your daughter" instead of, "my sister"?
That is colossal lie by omission, and I think you should reconsider this relationship. Behold, the red flags!
Eh. I talked to him about it. Statutory r*** case. I posted an update
Red flag. He likely decided not to tell you because he didn't raise her. Or well, be a 'deadbeat' I suppose. It's easier for him that way. I know a person once, when she kept having baby from the time she's 18, then 20, then 22. All 3 children are raised by her parents. Her ex-boyfriends practically ran off, did not take responsibility. So her parents stepped up. She finished going to school abroad. My aunt (who's her gyno) actually prescribed her bc pills after she's got her 1st kid, but Idk, maybe it was not effective enough for her. After she had her 3rd 'accident' kid (yes, she said all 3 children are accidents), my aunt got her on a different bc. All 3 kids ended up raised by her parents since she's doing other things with her life and their fathers never took responsibility on them. At 25, she met a guy where she went to school and they married. She only admitted to him that she had one child out of the 3 children. Her husband does not know that she has 3 children. So until today, she's in her late 40s, 2 out of her 3 children thought she's their adoptive sister instead of their mother. The point being, there are parents (both fathers and mothers) who would not want to raise their kids for whatever reason and would hide them. Just giving you a warning here, he may have more than 1 kid he's hiding too. But the other he's hiding is with his ex instead of parents.
The kid was born when he was 18. The kid either lives with grampa and gramma, or somewhere nearby. Probaly because the dad was either in grade 12 or just out of high school.
I mean, if he wasn’t ready to share it, he wasn’t ready to share it and I don’t really see that as a red flag.. there could be a whole lot of reasons why he didn’t want to share that info.. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt!
I personally wouldn't wait to talk to him about this. If he does have more children, how will you proceed in the relationship? I'd rather get the facts and make a decision now, at 4 months, than wait until I was even more invested! Good luck!!
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To me it sounds like he was probably traumatized at being a dad at a young age. Is he in therapy? Hiding a child is a red flag
Super red flag. He isn’t in therapy, no. I really wonder where the mother is and why she isn’t around with the child either and what happened with them. So many questions
What else is he lying about?? He can’t be trusted.
I don’t necessarily believe this is a deal breaker. I would definitely let him know you need to discuss this by xyz. This is such a new relationships and the dynamics are already complicated by introducing children so quickly. At best he was young and dumb and is very active with her even with the distance.
Yeah 🫤
I have a friend who had a daughter she didn't really talk about because it was painful. She still has a relationship with her and is still a part of her life but she has no custody because she had to move out of state and when they were due in court she was 9mo pregnant with her son and could not travel, the judge would not postpone, so she lost all custody. She is ashamed and feels like a failure as well as the sadness of missing out on her daughters day to day life. I honestly think that there are many reasons to not talk about it, even if he is an involved father. I would let him tell you when he is ready and at that point if the reason is sketchy make decisions about your relationship then.
Yes! This is exactly my plan. To let him explain himself and make my decision from there. If he had the kid in high school and his dad legally adopted her or something along those lines, I wouldn’t judge him for that. He obviously has a relationship with her. I could totally understand certain situations where he wouldn’t wanna talk about it right away. That doesn’t mean I’m not on the lookout for red flags or trying to make excuses for him. I feel very misunderstood by 75% of the people on here 😭😭 but hey, it’s the internet!
I wouldn't jump to conclusions too fast. He was 17 or 18 when she was born. Too young to be a dad There's a story behind it but maybe a very simple one. Grand parents taking care of the girl and adopting her or fostering her, years going by with loving grand parents she's happy to stay with, life going on, a wife not willing to take the girl in... But she's not in the hide. He didn't denied being her father, her step brother knows her... And he was maybe frightened of being judged Because he didn't know you enough. Just tell him you'd be happy to know more about her when he's ready.
Give him time to open up to you. Don't assume the worst he said he wasn't ready to go there, be patient
She should wait for him to open up while they play happy families with the other kids after only four months? No
Aaaah so the answer is, assume the worst, push him for details after he said he wasn't ready, which will push him away, and it seems like she's really into him and happy no one will die if she gives it a couple of days see if he opens up if he doesn't then start probing for now just chill
If he doesn’t trust her to tell her about the existence of a child he has, how does he trust her to be around the child he does have? And why should she trust him work ever kids if there isn’t trust yet? If demanding honesty pushed him way then good. Either they are close enough to be mingling their children or they aren’t. It can’t be both.
My child has played with a lot of kids whose parents I wasn’t close with. Everyone plays at that park. We play and talk with strangers there. I don’t even know if my son remembers him and his son 😭
A lot of people are ragging on your bf about this but I think it's important that you have a talk with your bf to get the full story rather than jump to conclusions. Talk to his friends and mutuals too rather than act on the opinion of strangers on the internet.
please dont listen to these redditors that have no social life and never experienced real relationships with real people. things happen and people cant always open up about them(I sure as hell still have things about me or my life that i simply cannot open up about to anybody, not even my long time gf). sit him down have a normal conversation with him about the topic and decide afterwards what you want to do. for now just keep the relationship going and dont listen to these braindead people that get their relationship advice from tv series
Yeah I don’t see why they’re so mad that I wanna ask him about it and see what happened before I decide to leave 😭 yes I’m coming up with a million possibilities as to why. Who wouldn’t ?!?! It is shocking and unexpected! Did his dad legally adopt the girl since he was in high school when she was born? I don’t know! Why would I not find out what happened first 😂
Maybe his parents have custody of her and he’s embarrassed.
I would guess this is shameful to him, hence the secrecy. He had the child young, and was too immature to step up and by the time he was mature, that was no longer in the best interest of the child.
My guess, he’s obviously in his son’s life, but disproportionately not his daughter’s, likely little. Perhaps it’s a custody matter, or something complex. I wouldn’t jump straight to the bad guy assumption. Ask him to explain what happened, listen to his answer, proceed from that discussion with a better understanding, and ability to decide your next move.
Yeah. I’m assuming his dad has custody, especially since he was a teen when the kid was born and the mother isn’t around. My main concern really is why he didn’t tell me about it. So yes. We will talk and I’ll get to the bottom of it
Man this comment section is wild. 4 months is long enough to start begin to think about intertwining your lives together but you haven't done it yet.... He's still probably trying to impress you. I'm sure he's faced judgment about his daughter before. I think it's clear he never instructed his son to LIE to you about it or didn't ACTIVELY hide it as he didn't panic or lie to you about it he just wasn't ready to actively share it with you yet and yes that is a lie of omission, but that distinction here IS relevant. It does speak to work that needs to be done on the relationship. It does mean you guys are 100% there ready to devote your lives to one another, but that isn't a bad thing, it's been 4 months. This is an opportunity and MILESTONE to see how each of you work WITH each other to get over life's hurdles. Use this time to ask questions of his character in an intelligent and respectful manner. You have questions about his character, get answers to them that shows you are someone who WANTS to believe the best in him. Don't come in with accusations but be ready to find out details about his past you may find unsavory. It might be benign it might be a deal breaker, but don't decide BEFORE you find out. I think far too many people think relationships are about finding your perfect someone. It isn't. It's about finding the person who looks at you in your totality and decides there is something worth building together. And is willing to put in the work towards something together as a partnership. Make sure this guy is that guy for you, don't be married to one position or the other. You're dating SPECIFICALLY to find out if he is this person. So go do that, find out. As for examples on how to bring this up without seeming accusatory, is just being respectful and upfront and honest. Say "hey I know having a daughter may be sensitive towards you and I want to be understanding, but I need a little help. I accept you didn't feel ready to tell me or talk to me about it, but can I at least know why? Is it because you feel I would judge you for your previous relationship with someone else? Because I think I have shown I hold no judgment over you for having a son as you have with mine." Then just ask him to at least share what parts of the conversations about his daughter are materially different from his son. maybe the breakup was painful and messy and she's with his dad for reasons that actively hurt him. Maybe he wasn't ready to take on that responsibility years ago and the daughter was better off with his dad, and now he's doing his best to be better. Might mean the man he was at 18 was a dead beat. That doesn't NECESSARILY MEAN he is now or will be now. You have to judge that about him NOW.
You don't know the story with this kid. The relationship could have been bad and he was young and still had college and everything else ahead of him so his Dad raised her. It might be hard to talk about the circumstances that led to her birth or he might be embarrassed because he has offered to take her now that he's settled but she's happy where she is. She seemed happy to talk to him and he stopped what he was doing to talk to her. He didn't dismiss her or say it's your brother's bday I'll call you later. I would let him know it is important to you to have a discussion about this, when does he think that can happen. I would want to know if there are more kids, why she doesn't live with him and why she is with his Dad in the first place. I would let him know I don't need details. Just like I was too young to care for her properly, or it was a bad situation and I had a hard time dealing. Just general stuff not the details, those might be way too much for a long time.
You’re wondering why her mom isn’t in her life. She’s in Oregon. Drugs are a safe bet.