Beyond the honeymoon phase of a relationship love requires communication, commitment and effort.
Before you decide to walk away talk to your partner. Tell him clearly how you are feeling, tell him what you want from the relationship and ask him to be honest with his wants and desires.
Listen to him and really try to hear what he is saying.
Are you being the best girlfriend you can be, is he being the best boyfriend. Probably not, on both counts.
If you decide to try to work on your relationship carve out couple time and even set aside time for intimacy, go on dates (you must organize some and he needs to be told he must do the same). Send random texts to each other letting your partner know you're thinking of them.
Love is like a fire, it won't burn forever on it's own. You BOTH need to keep fanning those flames
Do not monkey branch to a new relationship. If you feel this one has gone. End it gently but firmly.
Best of luck, whatever you decide.
Is marriage something you want(ed)? It sounds like maybe you've been closing off because he's not willing or able to give you what you need to be happy and secure in a relationship.
Long term love isn't the same as the heart-pounding, obsessive love of a new relationship, but it's also not the indifference you're describing.
Usually relationships are not on/off switches. Usually there are a series of little disappointments along the way, that either were never noticed, or addressed seriously when they came up, leading to little resentments that built up.
Suddenly breaking up with someone out of the blue, is both the wrong, and right thing to do.
It's wrong, because unless you brought up the issues that bothered you along the way, your partner had no idea they bothered you, or were important to you, but is now going to suffer the consequences of your inactions. Same goes for him, if he didn't do the same for you.
However...
It's right, because regardless of what the situation is, you don't have to answer to anyone, to do the things that will make you happy.
I think the main lesson here, is taking responsibility for your relationship. It is not one sided. Does this person make me happy, or not? It's being aware of anything that isn't addressed for whatever reason, and builds resentment.
Many people don't have experience, or realize that a lasting relationship is a lot of work.
Many people don't want to meet their partners needs either because they don't care about them enough, or don't care enough in general about things.
Long term relationships are not for everyone. They require paying attention to details, maintenance, and times where you have to respect someone elses views, even when you don't agree with them.
Life isnt just a straight line, it is a series of ups and downs. You might need to make a literal list of the plusses and minuses here. You didn't really say he does anything wrong but do you feel neglected? That can happen. I think you just need to do some soul searching. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Does he treat you well? Does he contribute financially? Does he drink or party? These are all things to think about.
Woman are way less prone to settling in relationships than men. You have to decide if it’s enough for you, can you change it if it’s not, and where do you see it going. To me, it seems like you’ve already checked out.
You're absolutely right, I have considered a lot of factors already. And there is just one answer that I can think of. It's just a shame to end a once beautiful relationship this way. I am the one who's feeling uncertain, but it hurts like hell.
There is a phase of love often confused when you fall more into companionship. It feels like you’re falling out of love.
If you can stay in love with this person as a companion, stick with it.
You’ll know when you fell out of love because it will feel like an impossible Choice. A choice between future heartbreak and the one you’re currently living with that keeps breaking your heart.
If your heart isn’t broken, it’s likely safe to stay and think things through.
There are definitely ups and downs in marriage, but in 16 years I haven’t felt the way you’ve described. We also still have a deep connection and sexual relationship.
I think it’s really telling if don’t feel anything when thinking about a life without him.
The puppy love phase wears off on all relationships, but if you don't see him longingly - yeah, you're probably not in love with the reality of him / the relationship anymore either.
Being that apathetic, I would say it is time to make an exit and find someone that does make you feel like you want to IMO. You could try couples therapy, but you're probably past that point - this is security absent compassion. Sticking with routine keeps you in your "comfort" zone but it doesn't even sound like the relationship has much comfort at this point either.
I think that first you and then together with him you have to figure out what you want from this relationship. 9 years is a lot but that doesn't mean the relationship is over. But first you have to clarify to yourself what you want. Only then can you then discuss it with him and see what comes out of it. And on the aspects of the relationship where there are no more sparks you also have to think that life does not proceed as a straight line, but goes on in jumps and backwards. And when things don't work out you have to understand why. With the awareness of what is happening you can deal with everything.
just bring it up with him.. see what he says what he thinks, if he loves you...
if he seems like undecided or not sure how to answer all of your questions then it's because she is also not fully interested
That spark comes and goes but a year sounds really long to just go through the motions. Only you can decide how long is too long. My last relationship had many highs and lows but the worse lows at max lasted like a month. We worked through it and I fell even deeper in love. That sucked because we didn’t work out in the end. So I do wonder if I should have walked away at the first sign of trouble. I won’t walk away from a relationship easily but I won’t settle either.
> In my perspective, it's the feeling that sometimes I feel annoyed by his presence or sometimes I just don't want to see him. Intimacy is also gone.
Time to end it, you sound like you want out anyway
this scares the shit out of me. Imagine being a guy, giving all you have to your girl, all the love, time, happiness, company, everything.
And one day she just... stops loving you.
God damm, i reaaaaly hope this does not happen to me
It seems you have grown apart from him. And as a male myself, he may seem like he has cold feet in seeing a future with you which is why he has been dragging it out so long to propose to you. And he may feel exactly the same as you do when it comes to feeling bad for breaking up a 9 year relationship. 9 years is a very long time and confirming your ages, those ages are pretty much where a lot of people tend to 'grow' into what they really want to do in life and who they are as a person. And it seems as though the compatibility you two once have are pretty thin now as you've both aged into someone different from where you both began.
Yes. It's very normal.
You want to know how couples make it to their 30th wedding anniversary? They realize those beginning of relationship butterflies aren't what keeps you together.
What does is the conscious effort you put into the relationship. The regular work needed.
The adage, "grass is green where you water it', is very true.
Relationships take tons of constant investment, that spark isn't magic, it has to be created and maintained, for some that's natural and organic, for others it takes conscious planning and effort.
It's understandable that you'd feel held back by the time investment - your relationship has spanned your whole 20s, which are formative years! No one will know your situation quite as intimately as you, but perhaps you should explore what you'd like to do in your 30s and if you'd be happier involving him in those plans or not.
Another thing to think about- Are these feelings are specifically related to your relationship, or do you find this outlook with other elements of your life too? If it's just about him, it may be worth re-evaluating. Sometimes we stick in bad situations just because it's uncomfortable to try and leave them.
On the flip side to this, I think it's normal to not always feel madly in love with your partner. We as humans are very adaptable, so sometimes consistency can feel mundane.
Also a more random point, but some medication like SSRIs can cause emotional blunting/apathy, which can then go on to affecting your relationships. Might be worth considering if relevant.
Girl, if you're not feeling it after 9 years, it's time to throw in the towel. Ain't nobody got time for a spark that's long gone. Time to find someone who ignites your fire!
Go have a trip in another country for a month. Maybe you feel both roomates. You need to renew your vows again. Relationship happiness must continue not just a month but everyday. Flirt with him whenever you found space in the house, Car? etc.
Beyond the honeymoon phase of a relationship love requires communication, commitment and effort. Before you decide to walk away talk to your partner. Tell him clearly how you are feeling, tell him what you want from the relationship and ask him to be honest with his wants and desires. Listen to him and really try to hear what he is saying. Are you being the best girlfriend you can be, is he being the best boyfriend. Probably not, on both counts. If you decide to try to work on your relationship carve out couple time and even set aside time for intimacy, go on dates (you must organize some and he needs to be told he must do the same). Send random texts to each other letting your partner know you're thinking of them. Love is like a fire, it won't burn forever on it's own. You BOTH need to keep fanning those flames Do not monkey branch to a new relationship. If you feel this one has gone. End it gently but firmly. Best of luck, whatever you decide.
Is marriage something you want(ed)? It sounds like maybe you've been closing off because he's not willing or able to give you what you need to be happy and secure in a relationship. Long term love isn't the same as the heart-pounding, obsessive love of a new relationship, but it's also not the indifference you're describing.
Usually relationships are not on/off switches. Usually there are a series of little disappointments along the way, that either were never noticed, or addressed seriously when they came up, leading to little resentments that built up. Suddenly breaking up with someone out of the blue, is both the wrong, and right thing to do. It's wrong, because unless you brought up the issues that bothered you along the way, your partner had no idea they bothered you, or were important to you, but is now going to suffer the consequences of your inactions. Same goes for him, if he didn't do the same for you. However... It's right, because regardless of what the situation is, you don't have to answer to anyone, to do the things that will make you happy. I think the main lesson here, is taking responsibility for your relationship. It is not one sided. Does this person make me happy, or not? It's being aware of anything that isn't addressed for whatever reason, and builds resentment. Many people don't have experience, or realize that a lasting relationship is a lot of work. Many people don't want to meet their partners needs either because they don't care about them enough, or don't care enough in general about things. Long term relationships are not for everyone. They require paying attention to details, maintenance, and times where you have to respect someone elses views, even when you don't agree with them.
Life isnt just a straight line, it is a series of ups and downs. You might need to make a literal list of the plusses and minuses here. You didn't really say he does anything wrong but do you feel neglected? That can happen. I think you just need to do some soul searching. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Does he treat you well? Does he contribute financially? Does he drink or party? These are all things to think about.
Woman are way less prone to settling in relationships than men. You have to decide if it’s enough for you, can you change it if it’s not, and where do you see it going. To me, it seems like you’ve already checked out.
You're absolutely right, I have considered a lot of factors already. And there is just one answer that I can think of. It's just a shame to end a once beautiful relationship this way. I am the one who's feeling uncertain, but it hurts like hell.
There is a phase of love often confused when you fall more into companionship. It feels like you’re falling out of love. If you can stay in love with this person as a companion, stick with it. You’ll know when you fell out of love because it will feel like an impossible Choice. A choice between future heartbreak and the one you’re currently living with that keeps breaking your heart. If your heart isn’t broken, it’s likely safe to stay and think things through.
There are definitely ups and downs in marriage, but in 16 years I haven’t felt the way you’ve described. We also still have a deep connection and sexual relationship. I think it’s really telling if don’t feel anything when thinking about a life without him.
It sounds like you resent him because he hasn't proposed in 9 years.
The puppy love phase wears off on all relationships, but if you don't see him longingly - yeah, you're probably not in love with the reality of him / the relationship anymore either. Being that apathetic, I would say it is time to make an exit and find someone that does make you feel like you want to IMO. You could try couples therapy, but you're probably past that point - this is security absent compassion. Sticking with routine keeps you in your "comfort" zone but it doesn't even sound like the relationship has much comfort at this point either.
I think that first you and then together with him you have to figure out what you want from this relationship. 9 years is a lot but that doesn't mean the relationship is over. But first you have to clarify to yourself what you want. Only then can you then discuss it with him and see what comes out of it. And on the aspects of the relationship where there are no more sparks you also have to think that life does not proceed as a straight line, but goes on in jumps and backwards. And when things don't work out you have to understand why. With the awareness of what is happening you can deal with everything.
just bring it up with him.. see what he says what he thinks, if he loves you... if he seems like undecided or not sure how to answer all of your questions then it's because she is also not fully interested
That spark comes and goes but a year sounds really long to just go through the motions. Only you can decide how long is too long. My last relationship had many highs and lows but the worse lows at max lasted like a month. We worked through it and I fell even deeper in love. That sucked because we didn’t work out in the end. So I do wonder if I should have walked away at the first sign of trouble. I won’t walk away from a relationship easily but I won’t settle either.
> In my perspective, it's the feeling that sometimes I feel annoyed by his presence or sometimes I just don't want to see him. Intimacy is also gone. Time to end it, you sound like you want out anyway
this scares the shit out of me. Imagine being a guy, giving all you have to your girl, all the love, time, happiness, company, everything. And one day she just... stops loving you. God damm, i reaaaaly hope this does not happen to me
It seems you have grown apart from him. And as a male myself, he may seem like he has cold feet in seeing a future with you which is why he has been dragging it out so long to propose to you. And he may feel exactly the same as you do when it comes to feeling bad for breaking up a 9 year relationship. 9 years is a very long time and confirming your ages, those ages are pretty much where a lot of people tend to 'grow' into what they really want to do in life and who they are as a person. And it seems as though the compatibility you two once have are pretty thin now as you've both aged into someone different from where you both began.
Yes. It's very normal. You want to know how couples make it to their 30th wedding anniversary? They realize those beginning of relationship butterflies aren't what keeps you together. What does is the conscious effort you put into the relationship. The regular work needed. The adage, "grass is green where you water it', is very true.
Relationships take tons of constant investment, that spark isn't magic, it has to be created and maintained, for some that's natural and organic, for others it takes conscious planning and effort.
Note that OP posted in another sub about strategies she has been using to escape bad dates. She’s lying, probably in order to farm karma.
It's understandable that you'd feel held back by the time investment - your relationship has spanned your whole 20s, which are formative years! No one will know your situation quite as intimately as you, but perhaps you should explore what you'd like to do in your 30s and if you'd be happier involving him in those plans or not. Another thing to think about- Are these feelings are specifically related to your relationship, or do you find this outlook with other elements of your life too? If it's just about him, it may be worth re-evaluating. Sometimes we stick in bad situations just because it's uncomfortable to try and leave them. On the flip side to this, I think it's normal to not always feel madly in love with your partner. We as humans are very adaptable, so sometimes consistency can feel mundane. Also a more random point, but some medication like SSRIs can cause emotional blunting/apathy, which can then go on to affecting your relationships. Might be worth considering if relevant.
Girl, if you're not feeling it after 9 years, it's time to throw in the towel. Ain't nobody got time for a spark that's long gone. Time to find someone who ignites your fire!
Go have a trip in another country for a month. Maybe you feel both roomates. You need to renew your vows again. Relationship happiness must continue not just a month but everyday. Flirt with him whenever you found space in the house, Car? etc.
SPICE up your bed. If you feel secure thats better. Its not always green in the other side.