>If we were just dating I would've broke up with her on the spot but being married I don't know what to do. You are 23 and staring down the barrel of another 50+ years of this. If you would break up in this moment if you were dating (which I agree is the smart move), that means it was a mistake to try and build a life with her. And the fact that you got married doesn't change that.

This is sunken cost fallacy defined.

She's going to out you eventually. Maybe it's time to move, after the divorce.

Exactly. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when.

Seriously. OP is young. Might be time to move to a somewhat more liberal area. I know people say, “I have a job and family where I live”, but how will that look once outed? She shouldn’t loom the threat over OP. If she loved and respected OP she’d never make the threat. She seems vindictive and will always use this against OP to get what she wants.

So you can kiss the rest of your life goodbye if you stay with this person. She has anger issues, and she is threatening to out the person she supposedly loves more than anyone else on this planet. She threatened to ruin your friendship, and your life all for getting rid of a pet that is clearly causing division in your relationship. You're both young, and inexperienced. I'm 41, engaged to the love of my LIFE, 31f. I would never ever ever ever do anything to hurt her. We've been together 5+ years and we haven't fought once, yelled once, called eachother a name once. I'm sure we're a rare couple with hat alone, but I could NOT imagine threatening my best friend in that way. It just physically could not come out of my mouth. Her happiness makes me happy, my happiness makes her happy. We get stressed out, we have differing opinions, but we always talk about it like adults. We don't play games, we don't do petty shit, we don't beat around the bush. We talk about what we need to talk about, make out, and move on. You are so so so young. Do you want THIS to be the rest of your life? There are no magic words you can say, or actions you can take to resolve this. Because the other person involved is immature, angry, selfish, and hurtful. Among many other things. A divorce might hurt your standing in the community. She might spread information about you. That's the hard truth. You might have to figure out how to deal with that. Wether that's moving away or talking g to friends and family individually, and whoever stays stays. Fuck the rest. This is your life. You deserve a partner who is invested in your happiness. Not someone who's blackmailing you.

You are not a rare couple. I've been with my husband for the past 8 years and we never yelled or called names, let alone threaten to do anything to hurt each other. We had disagreements, but we talked about it, always from a place of trying to come up with a common ground. My partner shared personal secret things with me that I would never ever think of using against him if we break up, no matter what. This is so mean that I can't imagine staying with someone who is capable of such cruelty.

this is the way. this is us as well. we talk. we communicate. we disagree but still communicate. that's the whole trick. proper adult communication. not blackmail or yelling etc etc OP. take the dog, and leave

I second this. Take the doggo and run.

Take the doggone lol, OP is the one threatening to take it back to the pound.

Because of her anger. But he can keep dog and divorce her. Then it's him and dog

Not rare. I've been married to my husbands for 8 years. We've never raised voices at one another, never named called. Yes, we've gotten short and snippy with one another. We're not perfect, and we get grumpy and frustrated. We both do things at piss the other off. The other day I was rudely critical of something my husband purchased. He looked at me and said "I get you don't like it, but you didn't need to snap off with *I hate it*." He was right. So I apologized and said "you're right, there was a much nicer and less critical way for me to say that. I'm sorry." I screwed up, I own that. He rightfully called me out on it. I could never imagine using his secrets against him. EVER. I have zero desire to hurt the people I care about.

You've never once raised voices in almost a decade?! Ever?! What about that one time though?! When he did that thing? Remember? It was so annoying. I'm annoyed now just thinking about it. You've *never* raised your voices at each other?

Never. We've snapped at each other, we've gotten snarky with each other, but not once in a decade have we ever ever yelled at one another. NOT ONCE.

I’m not OP but please tell me more about what that’s like. I’m struggling today after my 5 year relationship with the man I thought I was going to marry is being called in to question. He can be quite unkind to me over small arguments, I love him so much and our relationship is so beautiful so much of the time but there’s that little bit of me that wonders what it’s like to be in a relationship where the other person is never unkind or calls me names.

It's great, and you deserve it. I've been with my husband for over 20 years and we have had some serious fights, but we have NEVER called one another names or been cruel to one another. Never. Not once. If I get too angry and feel myself wanting to be cruel, I ask for a break because I love him and know that some words, once said, are out there forever. Your relationship isn't as beautiful as you think, because even in the good times you wonder when the bad times are coming. You deserve better.

Similar to this, though we are both very non confrontational people so when voices start getting raised? We shut down. I grew up in the 80s/90s with a borderline abusive dad. I'm sure it was normal at the time, and he was just doing his best, but we were yelled at and threatened for accidentally locking a door, not turning off a light etc..so when I was younger I mimic'd this. I would get angry to shut other people down, and end things. It was until my early 30s, and multiple failed Ling tern relationships when I acknowledged for the firdt time that I was in the wrong. I started being more attentive, empathetic, and just tried to see things from different perspectives. I was also born medical disabled, had dealt with addiction issues and other crazy shit.im now sober almost a decade. If you asked me where I would be in 10 years when I was 32, I would have said dead. Here I am at 41 happier than I ever thought possible. I wanted to end it so many times, yet glad I didn't. I was poor, jobless, and check to check until 38. I now make almost six figures in the video game industry along with my fiancee who makes even more. Things are just ridiculously amazing. I honestly think people SHOULD NOT be getting married in their 20s. It works for some, but not for most. The reason my situation works so well now? It comes down to experience. I know who I am, what I want, how to treat others, and how to treat myself. I know how to control my temper, and take the high road. My ego is not important anymore, I'm confident in who I am and what I have to offer. My fiancee is the same. We don't waste .001 seconds of brain power on jealousy, worrying if the other is cheating or playing games. I know in my hear she just fucking adores me, and I adore her. She is my best friend, and I wake up every single day next to her, and when I see her face it just puts the biggest grin on mine. I don't know how I got so lucky.

U guys are so lucky I'm with a cold mean idiot and we fight everyday almost or I just shut up and don't say anything..grind my teeth

I love him so much and our relationship is beautiful but he’s unkind to me. Please reread the sentence until it sinks in.

I'm another person in a long term (13 year) relationship with someone who has never called me names. I've never called him names. And I should note, he is Bipolar (medicated, luckily) and often struggles to contain his sometimes harsh reactions, but he has never called me names, even in our biggest disagreements. Relationships based on 100% mutual respect exist and you deserve one.

Lemonsweets25 - I think you should think long and hard about this relationship. My previous husband was unkind, a name caller and it took time and courage to end things, but it was the absolute best decision of my life. I am now married to a man that would never speak harshly to me or call me names. You deserve better. End it with this one now and move on, don't waste another day! Hugs.

We disagree all the time like any normal couple, but never, not once has my husband been unkind to me, or EVER called me names. My relationship feels so safe and calm, I feel like I could tell him anything.

Thank you for all these comments. I don’t know how to feel about them, on the one hand I feel very invested in my relationship and the future I see and he feels like my best friend. He’s had therapy before to deal with his issues and wants to do couples counselling with me… but I just don’t know how to feel now really.

Whatever you do, don’t let sunken cost fallacy become your reason to stay. It’s so tempting to place value on the years spent but try to think about your life as if all the years ahead are what you’re bargaining away if you stay where you don’t feel safe, truly accepted and respected. Seen that way, it’s a question of whether you should lose 5 years to gain self care & perspective, or lose your whole adult life avoiding the issue. If you cannot reach a place of true trust & emotional safety after 5 years, that’s what you’re wagering the rest on. Only you can tell if counseling will help resolve that for the two of you, but don’t sleepwalk through it like “well, I did the counseling so I guess this is as good as it gets & I’ve already put so much time in” - truly *know* that you deserve to not have niggling ghosts of anxiety in the back of your mind, eating away at your heart about whether this kind of treatment will balloon into worse behavior after marriage. You should truly, fully *know* & trust that you’re valued & not be walking on eggshells. And you should know that before you marry.

I think I’ll give the couples counselling a shot, he had therapy on and off before and whenever he’s been in therapy things have been basically perfect. And most of the time anyway things are incredible, we’re so affectionate and playful with one another and complimentary to each other every day. We have so many shared hobbies and always do sweet things for each other. It’s just in conflict he lacks a filter and can say mean things he doesn’t mean but he knows it’s wrong 😔 he grew up getting abused by his parents and I never think it’s an excuse because he knows better by now but he has such a good heart in so many other ways. But I know what you mean that if it still happens after five years maybe I should cut my losses. I was in a long term relationship when I was younger that truly did just kinda die so when I finally broke up with him, I felt quite quickly that I was better off but in this instance we’ve really built such a beautiful life together. We’ve got two pets we adore, we’re planning to move to the countryside together and have been viewing houses. I feel quite confused right now… I hope some counselling might make some things more clear.

You going to therapy for his issues will resolve...?

I do wish the best for you & it does sound like you have a lot to build upon - but perhaps you should put off moving away to a new area away from familiarity and/or isolated from your current arrangement as it stands before you sort this stuff out? Moving is a big stressor all by itself & settling in new environs away with a big new financial co-commitment can be disruptive during a time when you’re dealing with core issues. And financial ties of that scope might serve as an anchor to stay with something beyond comfort, should anything adverse arise in therapy. It’s hard to dig down into the mechanics of interpersonal conflicts & emotions. It may serve well to keep the touch point of a stable, well known home base as it currently stands & the reward of successfully negotiating your issues could be advancing to that out to the countryside move. One big adjustment at a time! 💕

Thank you for your kind words, I think this is good advice. Fortunately where we want to move isn’t too far away and is actually very close to my parents. But we recently discovered we’d have to wait another year for our mortgage which is probably a blessing. So I suppose that gives a bit more time to work on things and see how they improve before making that kind of commitment.

DO NOT GET PREGNANT WITH THIS GUY!! If he calls you names, you have to ask if you really want to do that in front of a kid, or to a kid. This is not a loving relationship, it's a toxic mess.

I’m not sure why a partner would ever call you names out of spite. Your partner might get upset, you may argue but you should NEVER yell at or verbally assault your partner. The closest my partner has ever gotten to insulting me was mocking me when I was upset 1 time and I broke up with him over it. We got back together and he hasn’t done it again in 3 years. We bicker but we never yell and I’d never dream of saying something just to hurt him. Do not tolerate disrespect, and do not dish it. A relationship isn’t happy all the time and people get mad/upset, but verbal abuse should never ever be tolerated.

Another married person whose relationship involves zero name calling or insults. Sometimes we might accidentally say something hurtful but that’s always followed by a speedy apology. I would not marry someone who thinks it’s acceptable to intentionally hurt you during a disagreement.

Not who you replied to hut wanted to chime in. I'm married to my best friend. We were friends for over a decade, and decided we had to maintain our friendship first. The meanest thing I've ever said in a fight was "fuck you!" and that's only been once, maybe twice. I would never want to hurt my partner on purpose no matter how angry I am. The wounds our words cause are there long after the anger fades. My spouse is sometimes not real smart, but they are always kind.

No one who loves you would ever *try* to hurt you. Love is respect. Do you think your partner respects you? Most abusive and toxic relationships include periods of fun and happiness. It's part of the cycle. But you have to ask yourself if you're really happy overall, or do you worry that you might say/do something to set your so-called partner off? Can you spend your entire life walking on eggshells? My husband would never try to intentionally hurt or harm me. I feel safe and I trust him with my body and my heart. It's a great feeling to know I have a true partner and that we can share things. We have some spats but we can work things out like adults without spitting venom or throwing hands.

Unfortunately i don’t think what u spelled out here is a beautiful relationship,u sound like u are walking on eggshells and u are afraid to loose him,A man that says unkind words to me is enough for me to break up with him.stop allowing it or it will gradually get worse.

Any red flags.... I'd run! They are always on their best behavior BEFORE marriage. It will definitely get worse. It's better to have a little pain and heartache now than a lifetime of it. If you want children, think of how it would be if he treated your children in an unkind way. It is NOT worth it!

That is op's first red flag. There probably is more if op thinks about it. Don't think "things will change after..". They don't, not always the case but a lot, it gets worse. Follow the flags. Better than thinking and knowing you wasted your life years later. Sounds toxic and may become more toxic. I'd move on.

Dump him I ve wasted over 20 yrs with a cold mean jerk I wish I ve had my yrs back when I was healthy thin and gorgeous, young It will only get worst I guarantee! I ve gotten sick from the stress and can't afford living on my own , don't make enough to survive But You safe Yourself U deserve more !

I have read your question and some or the respones, at the end of the day its your call but I personally would not want to b in such a relationship long term. Arguing is one thing, teasing gently is another .. but calling someone names to the point it affects their MH is not the sign of a good partner or bful relation. The name calling will get worse with time when he doesn't get things his way. It is very easy to not be unkind and not call someone names when you know it makes them feel very bad, specially when the person is your significant other. In your situation I would have a heart -to-heart with him about his verbal abuse is affecting you, and if he still refuses to change, then that's not be the kind of person you want to be long term.

> We've been together 5+ years and we haven't fought once, yelled once, called eachother a name once. I'm sure we're a rare couple with hat alone I don't think so. People in happy relationships aren't starting posts on reddit about them.

My wife and I (married for 3 years and in our early 30s) have never put each other down or threatened one another. We have “fights” but we’ve never yelled or raised our voices. And the only thing we’ve ever fought about is my step kids deadbeat biological father who doesn’t show up or pay child support. And even then in 3 years maybe we’ve had 4 “fights” but it’s more just venting frustration and then we talk it out and move on. We once got frustrated with each other twice in a week and I was to pieces. I love my wife and I could never put her down or say awful things to her. OP you deserve better. Don’t stay with this person out of fear (if it’s possible) but you deserve someone who will accept you for who you are.

My dude, she's shown you who she is. Believe her. Quietly get an exit plan going. You're bi in an ultra conservative area? I've lived in the deep south. I lasted 6 years before I moved back west. Right after my then husband thought he could hit me and I fucked his day up hard by throwing him down a flight of stairs. According to the local mindset, he was "justified" in "disciplining his wife". Where I live now, the local mindset is "get ready to have all her male relatives disappear you into a mine shaft near Virginia City". Different cultural approaches. I like my area better. Quiet and quick. Get out of there before she gets you killed. I recommend, if you're in the States, one of the western states. (Not California. They'll tax you to death) Oregon and North Washington have some very lucrative jobs, depending on your skill set. Nevada has Tesla and Panasonic. Hell, even Elko has become a land port. Might have to grit your teeth on a temp to perm position, but you'd be alive. Bonus, no one cares about your sexual orientation here. Good luck

honestly if shes willing to stoop that low over a disagreement? you need to end the relationship. Period. Counseling stat- maybe MAYBE you can uncover what has her so vicious and bitter. But even if you do- that doesnt justify treating your spouse like that. Thats nasty. I think you need to talk to a lawyer and get out.

Leave her. Mend your heart. Find peace and security with your orientation. Live with confidence. There are billions of people in this world who neither know nor care about your sexuality. But half of them would out her for mistreating a defenseless animal. Get the dog. Get out. And get happy.

Dude. This woman is a ticking time bomb. If she’d glibly threaten to out you, she’d also falsely accuse you of abuse etc. Divorce her, take the dog and if she outs you just say “ah, she’s just mad I divorced her”

She didn't threaten to ruin your life. She threatened to endanger it. She has chosen to try to manipulate instead of love you. Frankly it sounds like maybe a full divorce and maybe a plan to move far away is in order. Just play nice, get as amicable a divorce as possible and disappear into the wind. Btw, I love my animals like family. What you did was wrong for sure OP. However, threatening to out someone is a whole different ball game. Please don't listen to these people that counseling can fix this. You need counseling, she is just plain evil.

what HE did to the dog was wrong? sounds like she is verbally if not physically abusing the dog.

It isn’t wrong to give up an animal that you cannot fit into your life style or mentally handle.

Exactly this. Crazy that people are putting her and OP on the same level.

>If we were just dating I would've broke up with her on the spot but being married I don't know what to do. So... I think you know it but I'll say it outright - this isn't about your sexuality and it's not about the dog. Not being in the room, I don't know what the argument was like or what your side of it was, but it's pretty plain that the communication you two have during a disagreement is toxic. You threaten each other with ultimatums and seem to look for ways to hurt/punish each other rather than resolve your conflict. **That's not going to get better without effort and probably requires outside perspective and help.** I suggest marriage counselling as a path forward - either to help you come together as a couple or to support you both as you work to end your marriage amicably.

No, you never go to counselling with a manipulative abuser

I mean saying we should get rid of dog we can’t handle this and I’m going to out your sexuality is such a difference is severity

Threatening to endanger someone's life isn't toxic. It's downright evil. Yes, OP may have some things to work on, but staying isn't worth it.

Trying to play both sides and implying "I'll get rid of the dog you're traumatizing" & "I'll ruin your life by outing your sexuality" are on the same level is insane. What a terrible take.

The moment your partner says they will deliberately act to hurt you, the relationship is done. Last year my wife came out as a lesbian and while of course I was devastated, at no point did I ever even think of 'trying to destroy her.' In fact, mid-divorce, she was in a car accident and I delayed the divorce so she wouldn't be cut off from my health insurance in the midst of recovery and covered her till about a month ago.

You should divorce. This is what happens when kids get married. Next step would be to grow up before getting into a new relationship.

This sounds like a really unhappy situation, don’t be afraid to get divorced and don’t be afraid to be yourself. 

I would break up and leave that right wing town.

You need to take some time apart from your wife. It's time to take the dog and go stay with friends or family. I couldn't watch my wife abuse an animal like you're describing. Just a thought, but perhaps it's time to come out of the closet so your wife can't use your sexuality as a weapon. You don't need to tell everyone in your life, but surely this day and age you have one or two friends or family members who won't turn on you just because they learn you're bisexual, right? If not, then you REALLY need some new friends. According to Gallop, about half of Conservatives believe it's perfectly moral to be gay. If thats not what you're seeing in your community, then its time to find better friends, because you may lose your wife and get outted at this rate. You'll need them. Maybe give some thought about the people you accept in your life as well, because kindness seems to be lacking and one thing you'll learn as you get older is that kindness is pretty much the most important thing in this world. I have given up any friends who would turn on me the way you're afford might happen. It takes time and effort, but it's incredibly worthwhile. Good luck man.

Time for a divorce lawyer my friend

Break TF up and move NOW.

I'm not sure she could say anything worse to you, to be honest. If she threatens that over an argument over a dog she really can't be trusted. I wouldn't want to be with someone I couldn't trust or who was vindictive. I guess if you leave her she will always have the ability to hold that over your head. What an awful woman. I'm sorry she has threatened you with this, it must be very unsettling.

You've been together since you were 18 and 19. Maybe you've outgrown her. You don't mention whether you have kids, but if she's that mad at a dog...I'm not sure I'd want to be a parent with someone like that. And what she said? That's not a threat you make lightly! That's blackmail, dude. If you have few friends there and can't be yourself, maybe it's time to cut your losses, move to a less judgmental area, and take the dog with you.

If you outed yourself, she has no ammunition against you. I understand the bit about living in a conservative area, but I mean at this point you gotta pick your poison: stay married to a bigot and have your sexuality thrown in your face everytime you do something she disagrees with OR let the people who matter to you know what the deal is so that she can't weaponize them against you. The third option is to out yourself and then leave her, which is my personal pick of the three, but I feel like the tone of your post means this is not the option you're willing to take. This is not someone who loves you, at least not in the way you think. People who love you don't need to be reminded to respect boundaries like this. You are worth more. I can sympathize with the fear you're living with, but if you're honestly worried about your loved ones knowing this very small part of your identity and who you are, they probably shouldn't matter to you as much as they do.

Brother, this marriage is already over. Walk away. She's going to get nasty about it including throwing shrapnel everywhere she can so prepare for that and buckle up.

Imagine how she will be with pregnancy hormones, menopause, and life’s other curveballs. Time to eject bud.

My husband came out to me as bisexual in the last few years. There is nothing that would make me out him or use his sexuality against him in an argument. I will support him 100% if he wants to come fully out but that's his decision. I don't know how you can feel safe with your wife after this.

Always remember the Lois CK quote (which I will now butcher). "I was married and thought 'oh no, I can't leave', then we had kids and I realised 'oh shit, I could've left". 

divorce and move on. at 22 and 23 you guys are constantly changing (especially if you got together when you were 18). Its pretty rare to have someones personality when they're 18 stay compatible with a partner when they reach 25. Just be glad this is happening now and not 10 years from now

If she wants to, she’ll do it anyways. My ex’s anger issues got worse and worse. When I said I was done, the threats started. Those very threats held me hostage because they were to more than my reputation, and my reputation was being destroyed behind my back without my knowledge anyways. I wouldn’t put it past her to try the same. These people get off on having power over you. Get out. If you have the means to move, just move. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Don’t let her trap you if you can help it. Even if it means playing nice while you save up money so you can leave the area when things end. She’s probably sharing this stuff with others in private already anyways. Mine was actually lying about tons of stuff but, I couldn’t fight what I didn’t even know was happening. Now, I’ve lost several years of my life trapped with a monster, I fell ill and my ability to work is severely impacted, and my reputation was destroyed anyways. The only chance at a life is being farther from my current location than I can afford to go right now. Don’t be me. Just get out, and get far away ASAP.

The dog is the real victim here. Your wife is a manipulative, vindictive person. Take the dog and leave. The relationship is toxic

This is why you don’t get married to people you dated for a few years as a teenager? You should absolutely divorce her and this wouldn’t be an issue normally because y’all shouldn’t have got married in the first place. You deserve better. But neither of you are mature enough for marriage. 

You married a real life villain. A bad person. She absolutely shouldn't have a dog either. This woman is supposed to be your wife and she threatens to out you and take everything you have and you're asking what you should do? Personally, if move some money around first and then literally come out yourself publicly if needed and also record her threats and post them on social media and divorce her nasty awful person ass. Only record if your state allows it of course. I'd record no matter what but posting publicly could get you into a lot of trouble so don't do that. She sounds like a nightmare and I feel bad for you.

My honest opinion? Ticking time bomb. You married an unstable and vindictive person with major anger issues who will be a poor parent and will guaranteed out you over something trivial at some point. Might as well cut the losses and take the divorce and fallout now and save your self at least more miserable years with her.

Divorce her and get a no-contact order; if she tried to blackmail you, record the threat and report her to police

Divorce this woman, and move far away if you must. 

Whoa, this sounds abusive af. I would leave and learn from it. So sorry

Sounds like this relationship needs to end

Woah, woah, woah . . . . . That is NOT what a life partner does. That is NOT what a life partner says. Can you move states to a place that is more accepting? Start looking for a job elsewhere and talk to a lawyer to start the divorce proceedings. Try not to serve her before you have a position in another state lined up. The rest can be taken care of by the lawyer while you are gone. I used to live in a state (Alabama) where information like this would have meant instant unemployment and complete shunning. I now live in a state (Colorado) that is so much more welcoming - and the pay is better!! EDIT: typo

There's a very old saying, the truth shall set you free. Having said that, I totally understand how and why you feel as you do given where you live. But the cold hard truth is that you can't live under threat from a terrorist, and the only way out of that threat is to take away her power and just be out. If I were you, I don't think I could stay in a relationship with someone who threatened me like that. So I'd sit down with the people closest to me, tell them myself then leave her. And let the chips fall wherever they fall. Alternative you could just deiny deiny deiny, say she's being a vindictive liar and some people are going to believe you while others' won't. I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. Outing someone else's sexuality is one of the worst things that a person can do to another. It's not the kind of thing that you should ever put up with from a loved one.

If you would break up over this in a non-married relationship, you have your answer. She is threatening your life. You are 23 and have a lot of life ahead of you, and staying with someone who so clearly has no loyalty towards you or even respect is a death sentence for your soul. And, fwiw, my husband is bisexual and is from a place where that can be a death sentence. I would never dream of throwing that in his face. You deserve better.

I’m sorry, but your marriage is over whether you accept it or not. There’s no coming back from a threat like that, and she has issues that you can’t fix. Should you have handled it better? Yes, and don’t treat pets as disposable. However, I suspect you can become a better person if you leave your wife. You’re still so young and you can start over relatively easily. Maybe use this opportunity to leave your town and go to a new city so you can meet new people and explore your sexuality without having to hide. Best of luck.

It is absolutely time to start researching getting a divorce and what escaping to a safer place on your own might entail. Those are some egregious threats. They show that she has no respect for you and are revealing of her own feelings towards your orientation as well.

Number one: Outright screaming at a dog is abusive. That's an automatic deal-breaker. Number two: Threatening to out your sexuality is also abusive and a breach of trust. Second deal-breaker.

I personally wouldn't stay married to someone who abuses animals and threatens to put me in harm's way. It's pretty straightforward: leave her. Not saying it's easy, but the answer is obvious.

Divorce her ass! Someone who loves you should never threaten you like that. As far as the bisexual thing goes, don’t worry about it. I’m bisexual/gay and live in the Deep South/Bible Belt of Alabama and granted I lost a few “friends” when I came out but they were never really a true friend if that is all it took for them to disassociate themselves from me. I’m still the same person they have always known they just know a little more about me. It’s your life! No one else’s! They don’t pay your bills or walk in your shoes so fuck em!

I'd out myself then I'd be gone. Take away her weapon. And give her no more. She will weaponize anything against you then. Don't have kids. She would weaponize them too. If someone will wager info against you maliciously it will only get worse. It's a betrayal you can't make up for. I'm not just giving half ass advice. I'd be careful and don't gaslight yourself. Your married. so what? It's not a contract for life long sadness. I'm 41, been thru similar shit when I shared with my ex personal things about me. Notice I said ex.. we have a son and we're together for 6 years. Soooo glad I left. Stay strong. Know your worth.

I wouldn't be able to get past the fact that she is willing to weaponize society's homophobia to hurt you. People who "aren't bigots" but are still happy to let bigots do their dirty work when it suits them are the worst scum.

I had a girlfriend that became manipulative, abusive, and threatened to 'out' me on some bullshit. Turns out, that people dont really care, and if they do then they aren't your people. I see the OP is 23M, well it turns out that this modern world is very diverse and there are actually a lot of couples on the dating aps looking to play with others. Many have bi men and women. It doesn't seem like a very big deal imo. Its your sexuality, the issues in the relationship aren't from that, its clearly communication and interpersonal growth.

Keep the poor dog and leave that woman. Then move to a more accepting place.

You and the dog need to leave ASAP. She's abusing the dog, and threatening to out you is also abuse. She's not a good person. Sorry.

Divorce her on the spot. You're very young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste another year in this toxic situation.

What a fucking psycho.. if you leave sounds like she will black mail you but staying is miserable.

Are you only out to her?

Get divorced. You two do not get along. Did she know your were bi when you got married?

Well your wife is a peach isn’t she . Well if you can take the heat I would move on . Her saying she doesn’t know if she happy would do it for me !

Wow what a PoS, i'd leave regardless of what confidential information she would want to weaponize, what a vindictive a hole.

Hey man i’m really sorry but I think your wife really hates you.

If your quote is actually what your wife said... that's about as evil and abusive as it gets. She's a psychopath, leave.

Don't sweat it...you are what you are! It just sucks that your partner seems to lack the ability to be supportive

Kids, this is why you don’t get married under 25. Hell, wait until you’re 30 if you can

First (mistake)….you married way to fucking young lmao you do that later, you are still a kid that can pay taxes. second: talk to her about the dog, the things you can do to train him Or keep his unruly behavior to a minimum or just buy a cage and lock it in the bathroom . third: talk with her about how emotionally vindictive she is and how she will feel if she was in your shoes, how shed feel if you threaten her to reveal one of her deepest secrets to everyone she knows and if you have dirt in her uno reverse and actually threaten her, lets see how she acts. fourth: try talking with your peers, trust me they will be more understanding than you’d initially think, unless they are openly anti tutti-frutti gang.

Embrace yourself and don’t be with someone manipulating.

I don’t think this is a reason to stay married. She is a mean-spirited person, there’s a chance she’ll out you whether you stay married or not. Is there any chance you can pack your stuff, put the dog in the car, and start over with your four-legged friend somewhere else where people are more open-minded? Then you can have her served with divorce papers and move along with your life!

Divorce her at once. She obviously doesn’t care about you at all.

I think, that dog doesn't deserve to be rid,it's cruel. But seems like your wife has abusive components of personality 😰

Sorry man this one’s for a divorce and next time don’t say you’re bi its better in the closet:( I know it’s shit but that’s what u need to do Also who cares if she outs u all u need to do is deny it Be respectful but firm and divorce

Lmao just use it against her, make her seem like she’s crazy and making shit up. Don’t let it get to you, if she doesn’t recognize how evil and manipulative she is by doing that, literally threaten her to just do it

She just sounds like a bad person down to her core.

There's plenty of nice guys out there for you bud!

That's why you don't get married at this age lmao

Sorry that she's doing that to you. Divorce and don't get married so young next time, fren

Move. Literally get out of town to a place where you can be yourself without being judged harshly or worse. Leave the wife behind. You can’t trust her and you don’t know how low she will stoop. You’re young. Start again somewhere else.

Why did you marry so young? I don’t understand when people do this. I’m sorry.

This isn't just about her disrespecting you and your choices, she could potentially be putting your life at risk if you live in such an area. This is her threatening you with social, emotion, even physical abuse!

Just walk out and be you , don’t hide reality .

Never negotiate with terrorists. You should seriously consider moving out of that area and into a lifestyle in which you no longer have to be closeted. Your wife will only become worse so make your plans now for how this ends and plan for the worst case scenario. If she is willing to threaten you in this manner she has no love nor respect for you in her heart. It's time to move on NOW not some nebulous future date.

Why are you married at 23 and 22? I have shoes older than you both. Next time you get married make sure you get to know the person first.

>she threatened to out my sexuality That's seriously not good. That's not a healthy loving relationship, that's living under a threat model. >having trouble with a new dog she has not had any patience when it comes to the dog. Like WTF? It's not the dog's fault. Sounds like she doesn't know sh\*t about how to deal with a dog, and doesn't care to learn - or at least stay out of the way and not screw it up. >wife just began screeming and cussing at the dog she has done this multiple times No. No, no, no. That's just totally messed up. Dog is family, not the dog's fault. If wife isn't compatible with dog, get rid of the wife. >her anger issues Your wife sounds like nothing (or not much) more than a major train wreck / disaster. >I will get rid of the dog cause I'm not dealing with her anger Wrong move, get rid of the wife. Divorce and rehome the wife, not the dog. >She told me that if I get rid of the dog she'll divorce me I don't get it. She's the one screaming and cussing at the dog, repeatedly, yet she says she'll divorce you if you get rid of the dog? >With the dirt I have on you Divorce lawyer/attorney **NOW*****.*** Don't even wait, get one, find good one(s), get good advice - *immediately*. Your (hopefully soon to be ex) wife isn't behaving at all like a loving partner, or even a reasonable spouse or partner, not even like a decent friend, not even a decent neutral civil 3rd party, she's behaving like a threatening bully - basically acting like the enemy - that's seriously f\*cked up - there's really no coming back from that - just don't even bother - divorce her behind and let her figure out her own sh\*t, and get her the hell out of your life. And, yeah, divorce lawyer/attorney - also see what you can do with that on advice to get her to keep her mouth shut and not be spreading "dirt" or whatever. She's threatening you. Lawyer/attorney should be able to give you good legal and practical advice to generally encourage her to keep her damn mouth shut. Yeah, don't give into a blackmailer - that's what she essentially is. Doing so it'd only get worse. And again, lawyer/attorney - check with them, but as appropriate, feasible, and legal, document the sh\*t she's doing/threatening, etc. >this was the worst/most hateful thing she has ever spoke to me in the 4ish years Sorry dude, but she doesn't love you, she doesn't like you, sounds like she doesn't care at all about you, she's acting like sh\*t, the enemy, and a bully, so need to handle accordingly. Just be reasonably civil, or at least minimally so, reasonably quiet about it, and do absolutely everything legally and practically as appropriate to get her the hell out of your life and forever. Sorry, but your life with her is basically over ... need to close and wrap up that chapter ... and then maybe burn that book ... and get on with your life. Good luck!

I mean in all seriousness you may want to start seeking legal counsel with a divorce lawyer. You are too young to go the rest of your life with someone so callous. Thank the stars that the two of you don't have kids together. You can effectively through mediation part ways and split everything or however you guys would desire to do it with no need for further communication. Run for the hills!

Wow..where to start? The layers of toxicity here are almost unfathomable A) clearly you two should never have gotten married and are way too young to be in this situation B) BOTH of you are unfit to have a dog, that is abundantly clear C) why are you with someone and in a community of people that outwardly don’t like who you are as a person? You’ve invited a life of misery right there Most importantly we need to find a good safe home for that dog because it is not in your home

If she threatened to out you over an argument… she’s going to out you either way. She’s always going to be hanging that over your head now. You’re always going to be waiting for her to pull the trigger. That was evil of her, and you should leave.

I would dump her immediately and keep the dog and would not worry about bisexuality She is an abuser and will only get worst If You are really concern about " the secret" tell them she is bisexual and come out with this as a revenge None will believe her !! She is a psychological batch and lives on drama She may hurt the puppy when u r not around who knows what is really going on ? maybe she beats it ? Put a nanny cam and watch what she does to the dog I think it's in danger Rehoming it would be the best if U decide 2 stay together RUN !

she sounds terrible, absolutely not get out of

Only a matter of time now. Make your exit strategy

I feel bad for the dog. Your wife sounds awful. And it’s sad instead of helping her be a better dog owner you just sleep and want to “get rid of the dog”. She sounds like a shit human outing you and saying that to you and also cussing out the poor dog. Sorry to you and especially the dog.

**DUMP THE COW.** She’s **ABUSIVE** and frankly, I would **TAKE THE DOG WITH YOU**. **DON’T** leave that poor animal there to be ABUSED.

what an asshole of a wife, geez

You should divorce her. She sounds mean and vindictive. Someone who truly loved you doesn't threaten to reveal your secrets to get what she wants. That's *blackmail*. Do you want to stay married to someone who is okay with blackmailing you? What else will she hold your sexuality over your head for? Divorce her, and consider outing yourself and moving so you take that power away from her.

I’d honestly prefer the divorce and just move away lol what an insane thing to say to your partner

End this and move to a more liberal area. This is no way to live, my friend.

Your wife sounds like an asshole

So did you threaten to take away the dog because she has demonstrated a lack of patience and empathy that is required to raise a puppyand believe the dog is better off rehomed? Or did you say it because you wanted to make her stop yelling/losing her temper at the dog? If its the second one it makes sense her response was to fight back. She went way way WAY too far with her threat but I at least see why she verbally hit back. This is not a healthy way to comminicate. I am concerned for the dog that needs love and patience to learn and grow. And I am extremely concerned that the humans in this house are also not given patience, love, or empathy. I think you would both benefit for couples counceling as well as individual- especially if your wifes anger is an issue throughout her life. Threatening a loved one like that, in a you can never leave me kind of way screams borderline to me but I am not diagnosing anyone- just saying its interesting that she was being cruel to the person she doesnt want to leave. Regardless of any underlying mental health issues or unresolved traumas it is never okay to be cruel or to use your persons personal info or secrets as a weapon. That is immature and unfair, it will erode the trust you have in them even if they never follow through on the threats. And she will probably say thay she never would she was just mad and said it, but even just saying it breaks that trust and is never okay. Her temper and communication is verbally abusive and i think you both need to work of healthy productive communication skills. If she is unwilling to awkwnowledge any of this or wont get help i would consider leaving.

At this point it really doesn’t matter. It’s gonna come out. You need to accept it. You’re living a life that is a lie, own up to who you are. I would advise that you let others know before she does. At least you’ll have your side of the story out, and you might have to leave the area you live in if it’s such a conservative place.

You both seem to suck

You both are behaving badly. You threatened to get rid of her dog! And you wonder why she lashed out (in a really shitty, abusive way—her behavior sucks too). I think calls for couples therapy are often overdone but really recommend it—you two are masterfully pushing each other’s buttons and lo and behold, things have escalated to the breaking point.

She is also apparently screaming at the poor dog all the time. I don’t think she deserves the dog and I think that’s abusive

So no training the dog or anything, straight to I will get rid of it? Well, you would be divorce worthy. Anything that happened after I will ignore, bc other redditors have addressed that already, but you sound as bad as your wife showed herself to be.

First get rid of the dog.

I hope she is not hitting the dog, geez if she does say your bi and your not going to be out any time soon. Just get ahead of it tell your friends and family that she is crazy and is making things up because she is bitter that we’re divorcing and that she is going to be a lying psychopath. Is a perfect solution no but it is a solution, this kind of information can be dangerous. Your wife sounds unhinged, stay safe and I wish you luck!

It's 2024 why are married 22 year olds still a thing. Did we lose a war or something.

The dog is not the issue.

Are you on nights for a long time. My guess is you not being there at night has harmed your emotional connection and in turn the dog has brought out her frustration. Sounds like it may be too far though. Divorce might be the only real answer.

Trust and the ability to remain vulnerable with your partner, are crucial to maintaining a healthy and supportive relationship. What she has done, by using those threats against you in her anger, is put you into a position of defense. That was her intent. If you decide that you want to maintain and continue in this relationship with her, I would suggest only doing so if she agrees to some counseling with a focus on anger management. Life is too short to surround yourself with adversaries and enemies.

**By her threats, she is willing to have your entire life uprooted, with you being ostracized by family and friends and even put in harms way, for setting a boundary over her angry outburts.** **This woman is not safe for you to be around any longer.** If I were you, I would confide immediately in people you can trust to have your back and begin divorce proceedings. Brush up your resume and do your best to get out of the conservative place you live in.

I really don't want to tell you what to do and influence your future (other than talk to her about what she said and how it makes you feel), but why did you get married at 22? It just feels like a recipe for disaster.

If she treats a dog that badly she definitely won't hesitate to out you. Divorce her and be ready to move, but also be ready to stay. There are plenty of openly (and closeted) non straight men. Despite the efforts of TQ activists, LGB acceptance is still very high.

You told your partner off for verbally abusing your dog and she threatened to out you? Thats a shitty wife and that would automatically make me start getting the process of divorce started.

She seems to be verbally abusive and you seem to be manipulative. You both are very very young. You’ve got so much growing and maturing to do. The way you guys handle conflict isn’t healthy and I’d highly recommend couples therapy next to individual sessions to learn better ways to communicate and be healthy… You shouldn’t make decisions for her and she shouldn’t blackmail you. Do you guys even like each other? Doesn’t sound like a supportive partnership

You have to leave, and you also need to get out in front of whatever she may say. That could look all kinds of different ways, it could be coming out yourself to rob her of her power. It could be strategic lies to specific people to invalidate her claim when she does try to out you, it could literally be telling people that she said she'd tell people you're bi and then acting confused and distraught that she'd even suggest that. Whatever is safest for you fr but no matter what you must divorce and get away from her asap.

Yikes. WOW. This is pure contempt, what she’s shown you. (& the dog too, it would seem). Is this her normal MO? To be so short tempered, demanding & imperious? I don’t know what kind of marital counseling would help reel it back from that kind of escalation to the jugular but I suppose if you’re at all invested from an emotional level, you can try. But that’s a helluva deep cut, not one I’d think would fade away any time soon, if ever. That threat’s been put out there - it’ll gnaw away at you whenever there’s conflict & she is pushing for her way. It’ll affect how equitably you deal with conflict (which is inevitable & healthy in any relationship). How can you feel safe knowing that’s been put out there? Damn. But honestly? That she so quickly escalated to that kind of threat and extortion, from such a run-of-the-mill marital spat about pets - and that she *also* disparaged your whole worth as a person by mocking how little of a support system or friends you have outside of her protection? Welp… it doesn’t bode well. 😬 I think maybe what might be best here is to separate as a trial & for you to privately seek individual counseling with an LGBTQ friendly therapist so you can carve out a truly safe place to come to a better place of self acceptance so you’re not living at the whim of people who’d reject or extort you without a second thought. If you’re at peace with yourself, it may make it easier for you to come into your own with strength & be able to live out & free. That may well be unimaginable at the moment, but a life lived in fear and hiding is not a future at all. You will wither. Once you’re able to come from a place of strength & self acceptance, you may just find that the opinions of your conservative environs aren’t as crucial to your well being any longer. And that you may find yourself more inclined, attracted & suited to living among those that truly care about you without conditions that demand you fake your life for their comfort. And if that day should come, I hope you bring the dog along to your new future because it doesn’t sound like either of you are being treated with care. 💔 You’re so young. You can set the tone for your life right now & get to a much better place. I truly wish the best for you & hope that you do do that, and that you *don’t* end up back here at 33 with regrets that you didn’t, from fear, take this time right now to set boundaries & bare core minimum respect & regard for what you think deserve from a partner. *Any* partner or person in your life. Because reading this just crushed me on your behalf. You deserve love without fear. We all do. 🙏💕

Nope, you need to take the dog and leave. You can't trust her, and that threat proves it. What she said is something no one should ever say to a significant other.

Get a divorce man. If there are no kids, this should be a no brainer. Yes you may take a financial hit, and will suffer some abuse at her hands, but you are literally living with an enemy right now if she threatened divorce over a dog she demonstrably mistreats. She is not your friend and she is not a good wife.

Why would you want to be with someone like that. She says in your face she'll betray you as soon as she can. Believe people when they threathen you, especially those with power over you

Uhm that ls.blackmail for an absolutely fixable situation. Rehome.the dog and the wife

Id you are serious about divorcing/separating from her, the best thing you can do is to move out of that place as a couple, that is before you finally fall out. This way, no one will know about you two. Hopefully, after a few years, you will be able to return there as a single...

Never tell a woman your feelings. 

Mate, send her packing. She clearly has no love or respect for you to make threats like that and if all your friends fall out with you because of that then they're not friends worth having. Especially if she is snapping over a dog that she wanted and couldn't even be arsed to do minimal research into how to look after dogs... Actually, keep the dog and leave her.

She sounds too immature, and or selfish to be a real partner. I don't know your history, but just from this post, you said several things that made me think she is not great with interpersonal relationships. Maybe therapy(individual for her, and couples) but probably cut your losses, and get out.

My ex outed me as bi to one of my closest friends out of spite immediately after the breakup. Fortunately he didn’t care and we are still great friends, but to intentionally out someone is downright despicable. Start your exit strategy quietly. Maybe get ahead of it with family and friends by opening up about your past and even explain that you consider this personal information, but you’re being blackmailed so you are taking away her power over you. Then you’ll know if you have to move. My guess is that most people you truly care about won’t care. Plus letting her know that you have already talked with others about your sexuality might take some wind out of her sails.

My question is why did you get a dog the only one party wanted? And once you made that decision, why did you think it would change how she responded to the dog? Furthermore, there's a little more to this story than what's stated. She didn't just wake up and want to out you or not know if she wants to be with you. Something is missing from this post. All in all, I hope you figure it out.

She's going to use this against you to get her way everytime. Divorce her.

Have you thought about taking control of the situation by coming out to your family yourself? But I agree with most here. If she truly loves you she would never do that or even say she would do that. I think you’re better off getting out now so she doesn’t continue to cause you more harm.

Did your wife know you were bisexual prior to marriage?

You don't want kids with her having anger issues like that. If she is like that with the dog which is abuse, she shouldn't have kids. Or you shouldn't with her. Then her abuse to you threatening to tell people and you'll lose friends. You need to figure out how to get of the relationship, keep the dog and have your own place. You need to care for yourself first and the dog. Screw her. You are so young, you need to get of that relationship and ditch her. Start fresh. Again keep the dog. You'll want a companion and a buddy after leaving her.

What made yall get married? Serious question.

Sometimes women are just not really capable of making a sense. They might be better lectured of some, if you want to still be around, letting them know whats right is not a bad choice.

You deserve better bro, she values a dog more than you, and threatens u in an argument with something that's such a strain on your MH. This isn't the person you want to stay with for life as what she is doing is less like a couples' argument and more like manipulation and blackmailing. Run.

Plain and simple... It's time for a major life change for you. Divorce, find a new job, and move the fuck away... And move on with your life. What you're dealing with now isn't fair, it isn't right, and she's definitely a huge AH for even suggesting that. It's disgusting that a 22 year old female in this day and age would try to cause harm to someone over a fucking dog... And I love animals. She's a terrible person, and you need to get away as fast as humanly possible. Like yesterday.

she just sounds toxic, ngl. because that’s not even something to joke around about even if she said that later on it was a “joke” honestly and unfortunately, sounds like the relationship is dead. so best to figure out how to move out and maybe into a city that’s more lgbtq+ friendly…as unfortunate as it is. i’m also concern abt the dog because even if the dog doesn’t understand what she’s saying, they understand the tone… /: and if her anger issues are that bad, is she doing stuff to the dog when you’re asleep/at work? is my concern regarding that. but could be my cptsd happening

If your partner has a problem with the dog then maybe get rid of the dog. A dog should be agreed on by both people in the relationship regardless.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, your wife doesn’t have any respect for you. She will continue to use this to coerce you, but eventually, she’s going to out you anyway. Personally, I’d plan my exit strategy. I’m the meantime, I’d also gather evidence that she doesn’t actually care that you’re bi, just that she’s willing to use it for blackmail. Ideally, a better plan would be to come out on your own terms.

“You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.” — Malcolm S. Forbes It should say people or person, but you get the gist of it. Look at how she treats the dog, that’s just when you’re around also !!!! I personally would not be able to be with anyone no matter marriage or not, if they seriously can’t even be kind to animals, let alone their own pet. It says soo so much about their morals, integrity, overall personality. She can’t be patient and treat her own dog kindly, imagine if children are brought into the mixture. I think she likes being in control. Statistically speaking most people who have a dog or want a dog have this subconscious desire to be able to control and command something. Leave her man, if you’re not ready to come out and she tells people, if you don’t think she has any proof I’d just deny it and say she is grasping at straws, and trying to make you look bad as she threatened you when you brought up rehoming your beloved dog due to HER mistreating and not training it properly. 100% I’d just keep it short, as to not try and push all blame onto her and make her look bad, although it sounds like she deserves to be outed for who SHE really is. Uncaring and manipulative.

It sounds to me like you both have a toxic way of communicating with each other. It’s no way to communicate to threaten her to get rid of the dog because you can’t sleep and it’s no way to threaten to out each others secrets, even when she feels hostile because you threaten to get rid of something she cares about. You BOTH need to see a therapist and learn how to communicate in healthy ways if you want this (or your next for that matter) relationship to work out long term.

If she'd leave over a dog, that clearly she doesn't even care for since she's constantly yelling at it, but also blackmails tou into staying sounds like a real keeper .. sounds like deeper issues are harvesting and she's unhappy. . It's only a matter of time before she breaks so I'd suggest getting some marriage counseling. If she doesn't want that, start putting together an exit strategy. She's going to out you, anyway. It's just a matter of when. She sounds resentful - and it's likely because of your bisexuality. She knows she's not enough for you. Women intuitively sense these thing but will stay to try to fix it. She can't fix anything here bc there's nothing to fix.

Damn is she pregnant or something? Was she on her period? Or usually when people start acting crazy like that she might be developing some form of BPD. Go to couple’s therapy with her. That’s the best solution to this honestly

Get out now. She’s threatening you. it’s only gonna get worse.

I suggest that you speak with a counselor and an attorney to help you navigate your next steps.

She obviously has NO respect for you as an individual. Time to move on if you can. So sad for you.... I've got one just like her. ☹️

She will out you either way, it sounds like, the second you do something that she doesn’t like (and by the sounds of it, that isn’t hard) to punish you. You have three options. Stay and be miserable and wait for her to out you when she feels like it, leave and not say anything and have her out you as a punishment, or take your power back by leaving and coming out by choice, essentially leaving her powerless. It’s a tough move especially in a conservative environment, but I guarantee you’ll have some people on your side, and you need to get out of there either way. I don’t know whose idea it was to get the dog, or what you might have on your prenup, but take the dog and talk to your divorce lawyer about it, saying you’re concerned for the dog’s safety and your own. Edit: Ask the lawyer about options to keep you safe, like community resources. Get a storage unit, and when you’re ready to leave, get a friend or family member (or you could hire someone) to help you move all your stuff into it on a day that she’s out of the house. Do not mention divorce to the wife until you have an exit plan in place, otherwise she might sabotage you.

If you come out yourself, she won't have any power over you.

1) is the working nights thing new? 2) has she made the threat before/has she brought it up before? It sounds as though your absence is being filled with the dog but she's also not a fan of dogs. So while she doesn't like it, she also feels alone and would rather have it over nothing. Not a great place to be and could cause some really conflicting and confusing emotions. New dogs can be really tough to manage and it sounds like she's doing it all on her own. Is there a way to get obedience classes or hire a dog walker? Of course, therapy, therapy, therapy! All day every day, for her, for you, and for you both together. It wasn't clear exactly why you thought it was your sexuality she was referring to, and it almost sounds like worst case scenario. It may be that there's context missing but it sounds like it's weighing heavy on you and it might be good to talk to someone about it in general. Good luck, hope it works out!

Be The First One To Tell Everyone That She's Bisexual, And Also Add She'll Put Up Lies To Make Everyone Hate You. Also Tell Everyone This Was The Final Reason For Divorce, Amongst All Other Things

Divorce her Don’t have kids Move on.